#181 - Iliza Shlesinger

[0] Experience.

[1] And now the show starts.

[2] Straight by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] That's the best way for us to do commercials we have figured out.

[4] Was I in that commercial?

[5] Mm -hmm.

[6] Okay.

[7] Dude, you were fucking awesome in it.

[8] I thought we were.

[9] That was one of your best pieces.

[10] I'm going to submit that to the Tonight Show.

[11] That was what I said.

[12] You could do that, I bet.

[13] It's a solid piece.

[14] Yeah, it was a solid piece.

[15] It was a solid piece.

[16] Give it a Russ.

[17] Elizo.

[18] Eliza Slesinger, professional stand -up comedian.

[19] Yeah.

[20] Yeah, we all share a camaraderie, you know, it's funny.

[21] Comics, you know, like when you meet someone that's a comic, we all share this kind of weird thing.

[22] Like I did the Rosie O'Donnell Show.

[23] Really?

[24] Yeah, people are like, why did you want to do Rosie O'Donnell Show?

[25] And I'd be like, because she's a comic.

[26] You know what I mean?

[27] Like, we all share, we share something, you know.

[28] Tell us about that.

[29] What was that like?

[30] She was very nice.

[31] I only got to talk to her for a short period of time.

[32] We sat down for about an hour, and we talked about, she talked a little bit about the government.

[33] She had a really good point about how people look at the government like it's a benevolent father.

[34] And I absolutely agree with that.

[35] I totally agree with that.

[36] Yeah.

[37] And she was, you know, she's like really, she stuck her neck out when she was on that show.

[38] Like a chicken?

[39] Like, br -h -h -h -h -h -h -h -h -h?

[40] You don't mean, like, you mean, literally?

[41] Yeah, well, she got in trouble in the view.

[42] I mean, I'm sorry.

[43] She got in trouble in the view because she was, she was talking about 9 -11.

[44] And she was talking about Tower 7, and if you don't know this, there's three towers.

[45] fell on September 11th and two of them obviously got hit by planes but one of them just went down one of them just went down yeah and there's a crazy conspiracy theories that say that it was a controlled demolition now I am the first person to tell you I am no engineer I have no idea how buildings are built or what their tolerances are but if I saw a building like that and I you know I saw it just catch on fire and it had some holes in it and shit but it just fell like bitch how'd you build this how the fuck did you build this you know because come on man really this is what kind of shitty work she's saying it was designed to go down like it was part of us she was a lot of people believe it's a controlled demolition i don't think necessarily she is saying that it is or it isn't and i you know i certainly am not i don't know i don't understand you know what i believe more it was a controlled demolition yes but was it by us yes oh yeah i mean i think i think that's always been the case of the argument they don't think it was done by the terrorist right they think see i mean no no building the terror what if the terrorists.

[46] Oh, if they did a controlled demolition, it wasn't, like if somehow they had terror, because I mean, it could be, if the terrorists probably could easily, I think that would probably before hijacking planes and flying them into buildings, before that would be putting a bomb in a building.

[47] Yes, but it's not that easy.

[48] See, like when you see what, what happened in Oklahoma City, that, that was multiple bombs, you know, in Oklahoma City.

[49] They actually, there was all these reports of the FBI removing bombs from the building, like, that didn't explode.

[50] And if you talk to these guys that are demolition experts, they say there's no way that was a fertilizer bomb.

[51] There's no fucking way.

[52] Right.

[53] Like they said that if you look at the amount of damage that did and look at where the blast radius is from, the way it blows out.

[54] It doesn't blow like a...

[55] They're not designed to...

[56] You're saying to this building, because we've all seen the loose change where you watch the lights go off around the building.

[57] Like one floor by one, it's like...

[58] Yeah, but see, they don't know what that means, though.

[59] That also could be.

[60] if the ceiling is coming in and slamming into the floor, all the windows would do that.

[61] They don't know that that's explosions.

[62] If it really was collapsing like that, see, no one's ever seen a building collapse like that.

[63] So when they say that those are blips and those are squibs, I don't like that because then I'm saying you know for sure what that is, and I'm saying the fuck you do.

[64] I don't know.

[65] Someone's got to, just because someone has to know, I'm not saying it was us, I'm not saying it was an inside job.

[66] It just seems odd ergonomically that you would design a building that if impacted at a certain point the entire thing would demolish like what structurally what purpose does that serve well yeah the weird well could just be incompetence that's possible if you look at humans that's our most likely option right i mean when did they make the world trade center it's a fucking long -ass time ago to get so cocky to build a building that's a hundred goddamn stories high right and how long did they think that was going to stay up there for you know what if it started falling apart and rotting what it was just a just a wonky piece of shit by the time we got hit by those planes.

[67] Yeah, that's totally true.

[68] Yeah, this fucking thing was old as shit.

[69] That thing was around during the Jessica Lang King Kong movie.

[70] It could have retrofitted it.

[71] I mean.

[72] Yeah, but what's retrofitting?

[73] The cheapest, the cheapest, goddamn floors.

[74] And the cheapest got bitter, you know, that to do that?

[75] How many floors was the little trade center?

[76] Maybe.

[77] Well, that's the crazy idea.

[78] What we're saying about Building 7 or the other building, like, terrorists could have done it.

[79] I mean, I guess they could have, but how the fuck are they going to get in there and put all those explosives in.

[80] One dynamite up a time.

[81] Those red sticks of dynamite one up a time up your ass.

[82] You're working the fucking thing five years.

[83] Every day.

[84] You're fucking putting it into this closet.

[85] That's so funny.

[86] And back then, they didn't have secure you their fucking sticks.

[87] You're walking down the hallway and you just smell shit.

[88] You're like, open this door.

[89] What's in this?

[90] It just smells like shit.

[91] And it says, shitty dynamite sticks.

[92] I ain't touching that.

[93] It's like a fucking log house.

[94] Built with shit and dynamite sticks.

[95] Yep.

[96] And little hairs.

[97] A pet mattress.

[98] Well, the idea was that, you know, that somebody had to do something in Oklahoma City.

[99] And that's what she said on the view.

[100] Well, what she said on the view is it was the only building in history that collapsed skyscraper that wasn't hit by a plane.

[101] It was hit by a plane.

[102] No, no, Tower 7 wasn't.

[103] Yeah, and it was the only building in history, skyscraper of its kind that fell from a fire.

[104] And she's right.

[105] I don't know if it means anything, though.

[106] It could be incompetence.

[107] It could be just some crazy coincidence that it actually did fall apart like a controlled demolition, even though it wasn't a controlled demolition.

[108] It could be.

[109] I don't know, man. I think there's so much chaos involved in any sort of catastrophic situation like that, and all these reports, we heard explosions in the building.

[110] Do you really remember what you saw for sure?

[111] How much nuttiness, you know what I mean?

[112] It's a lot of nuttiness going on right after something like that happens.

[113] You might want to remember something from before.

[114] You must be so jolted from that sort of a situation that after it's over, you know, I would imagine there would be several people that would have distorted perceptions.

[115] I do not believe that everyone can handle truly traumatic incidents.

[116] I'm not claiming that I can more than other people, but I don't think most people can handle like really crazy shit going down.

[117] And you can't trust a few people's memories.

[118] Well, you've got to take it into consideration.

[119] but you can't totally trust it.

[120] I think, you know, the amount of trauma that contributes to a confabulation about whether you saw something or not, I mean, you can take those reports all day and I think there's that mob mentality like I heard sounds, oh, so did I. But what creeps me out, what always were American people out, and this is how you get minor conspiracy theorists, I'm not even sure if I am one, is when there is no explanation by your all -powerful government.

[121] And that's what leads people to think, oh, the government was in on it because you're like you're supposed to be the American government and you don't have an idea how this happened, that's when people start to feel unsafe and get nervous.

[122] Yeah.

[123] When they, like with Osama bin Laden, you didn't take any pictures?

[124] Really?

[125] Not one.

[126] I believe they caught him.

[127] It's just odd when there's no answers.

[128] They're like, we're not sure.

[129] JFK, that's a weird thing.

[130] You're like, how do you not have an answer?

[131] I've talked to military people, just straight up military people about the Osama bin Laden thing thing, and every one of them has said that guy was dead for years.

[132] see i'm not off every one of them i bet i bet dude i talk i have a war go i've talked to a couple people that were skeptical i bet that where where you would have valued their opinion you know i bet they fucking tortured them and and for like years i bet like they're right wing dudes man right wing straight laced that want the war military guys yeah yeah and they're like that guy's been dead for years yeah i bet his own i mean i don't i don't think they're skilled i think you just because you put a couple bombs somewhere.

[133] These are not using like biophysics to kill anyone.

[134] So I think his own, probably friendly fire, probably blew himself up on fucking accident.

[135] You know what?

[136] They might have just fucking crashed one of their helicopters and this was their crazy cover story.

[137] They might have fucked up crashed one of their helicopters and goes, listen, boys, you see lemons, I see lemonade.

[138] Here's our story.

[139] We crashed the helicopter because we killed Osama bin Laden.

[140] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[141] We lost a billion dollar helicopter.

[142] Whatever, whatever.

[143] We're going to blow that up.

[144] It doesn't matter.

[145] Brave soldiers survived that crash.

[146] But we got him.

[147] We got him.

[148] We got him.

[149] We got him.

[150] We got him.

[151] We dumped him at C. We dumped him because we don't want to make him a martyr.

[152] What are you talking about?

[153] You're telling everybody you shot him?

[154] What?

[155] It's just in visual form.

[156] It's not the same as you fucking admitting it with your mouth.

[157] The president getting on TV with his fucking mouth and admitting it.

[158] His mouth.

[159] Seriously, he's looking at the camera and he's saying it.

[160] We killed Osama long.

[161] Like, that doesn't make him a martyr?

[162] What do you have to?

[163] There has to be a visual representation of it.

[164] That's ridiculous.

[165] I would have liked to have seen footage, like his face.

[166] Well, yeah, for us.

[167] Yeah.

[168] But not for them.

[169] Them saying their excuse that they don't want him to be a martyr.

[170] Then why the fuck are you admitting you killed them on TV?

[171] Why are you getting...

[172] No, no, no, that wasn't the martyr.

[173] They didn't want the reason they didn't bury him or do anything.

[174] They didn't want there to be a site that people could go to.

[175] But the reason why they didn't show any photos is because they didn't want him to be a martyr as well.

[176] Yeah.

[177] I think that's because they don't have any photos.

[178] There's no photos that guy.

[179] How great would have...

[180] How epic would it have been?

[181] if Barack Obama, he's like, we've captured and killed Osama bin Laden, but before we did, our GIs each had a turn fucking him in the mouth.

[182] And we have that on camera.

[183] And thanks to FlipCam, we have it all on our YouTube page.

[184] What you want to fuck some crazy old terrorist in the mouth?

[185] Just for, like, just dip in real quick.

[186] Your penis is very soft.

[187] I know.

[188] I thought guys like to do that kind of stuff.

[189] It was so disturbing seeing that other guy get captured and dragged through the streets and fucked in the ass with a knife.

[190] Yeah, Americans don't like to see stuff.

[191] Gaddafi.

[192] That was so fucked off.

[193] was a stick.

[194] I'm good.

[195] It was a stick, apparently.

[196] Oh, it was?

[197] You guys?

[198] It's like some...

[199] Americans don't have an appetite for that kind of stuff.

[200] Like, if there were a picture, we wouldn't have shown...

[201] We're not...

[202] We don't show graphic, things like that.

[203] And our people don't like to see that.

[204] We don't like to see death.

[205] We like people to die.

[206] We're still on a video.

[207] Yeah, we want to completely live on the dark.

[208] I don't want to see it ever again.

[209] Well, you can...

[210] You know, the real problem is you get access to something really shocking that's not really happening.

[211] So you're watching anybody get murdered, watching anybody get fucked up, you have access to something.

[212] life -changing, but you're not really there.

[213] That's weird when you can just access that all the time, because then you're getting influenced by it far more than you would in a normal life where you actually survive.

[214] It also desensitizes, as a country, we're desensitized to war.

[215] We have all of our video games, all of our media, all this stuff.

[216] We're like war.

[217] Very few of us have actually, we'll call upper middle class, have actually been made privy to anything tangentially related to war.

[218] And so it's very easy to be like, yeah, we'll just send some truths.

[219] I've been to Israel just on vacation and it's so fucking hot I couldn't stand it So just imagine being over there We have no frame of reference Because we're so desensitized Yeah, we're detached from it It's not a part of our daily lives Unless you have friends and loved ones over there You know, I watch something on TV Where they're talking about the amount of money That it caused to air -conditioned tents in Afghanistan It's fucking crazy So much In Iraq and some insane amount It's like billions of dollars Two donkeys and a woman.

[220] It's so crazy to keep the AC on.

[221] Yeah.

[222] They're just...

[223] We don't even think about it.

[224] The whole thing is nuts.

[225] It's fucking nuts.

[226] It's nuts.

[227] It's nuts that they talk people into it.

[228] It's nuts that's still going on, too.

[229] Yeah.

[230] Yeah, let's just send troops over.

[231] We're living in a GI Joe movie.

[232] That's what it is.

[233] People don't even think about it.

[234] I get goosebumps thinking about it at all.

[235] I don't know why it resonates so deeply with me to think about our troops over there.

[236] I think because I have...

[237] Because you're smart.

[238] I love my country so much that I just want...

[239] Like, I just love my country and anything having to do with that.

[240] Look at this.

[241] It's all standing.

[242] All my, I have way too much arm here.

[243] Dude, you should be in a patriotic commercial.

[244] Do you drive a Chevy truck?

[245] I had a blazer.

[246] Everyone thought I was a lesbian for the longest time.

[247] I had a Chevy blazer for 10 years.

[248] I drove it out here.

[249] Look, I think the idea of what America is supposed to be is awesome.

[250] You know, I think there's a lot of fucking creative people here.

[251] A lot of cool people come from America, for sure.

[252] But there's also a lot of cunts.

[253] You know, that represents America as well, unfortunately.

[254] you know yeah we've got a lot of the shit that we're doing the shit that we do around the world is just creepy as fuck but we also do we also keep things in line we do as much it's better for us to be on top than some of some wacky countries right we're the only ones we'll take your land we'll give it back we'll say sorry we'll make reparations we no we do we're the only ones with a real conscious about it the Indians we give land back we never American Indians we give them the shittiest spots where there's no deer.

[255] And we go, yeah, you want to open a casino?

[256] Go ahead.

[257] Do whatever you want to do.

[258] They don't need deer anymore.

[259] They have 7 -Elevens.

[260] Well, that's.

[261] Different Indian.

[262] No, I'm saying like they have convenient.

[263] They can go eat at like a restaurant.

[264] You don't need deer.

[265] I don't mean that.

[266] Well, I mean, people always go like what we did to the Indians.

[267] And I'm like, oh man. I wasn't.

[268] Yeah, we weren't here.

[269] So at one point in time does the current living humans, you know, I know they benefited from the shitty work of the past.

[270] I just trust Indians more, you know?

[271] You trust them like?

[272] They seem more like down to what I would like to hang out with, like, Indians or pirate guys.

[273] It was a good job.

[274] Yeah, Indians and pirates.

[275] Yeah, Indians.

[276] He's like Indians pirates, fairies, yeah.

[277] Have you seen the, Jesus, Blanche?

[278] Have you seen the Western Sky commercials?

[279] It's like one of those things where it gives you money before your payday.

[280] Western Sky.

[281] It's like a...

[282] It's like a check cash thing?

[283] Yeah.

[284] And it's got this like Indian drum.

[285] It's like, doon, do.

[286] And this girl that looks like an Indian, like Native American Gina Gershon with a braid so you know she's native.

[287] She's like, Western Sky.

[288] get you off the payday track get off the payday trail Western and it's so fucking intimidating and she's like sure it's expensive but it's worth it and I'm like this is the representative for your people some fucking creepy sexy Indian it's expensive she says that so what did they take like a certain percentage of your check in order to cash it early of your soul that's like they're into that I don't know what they I don't know there's actually been some talk that they're going to release the photos of Osama bin Laden and it's yeah and it's like so awesome because I'm thinking like, how long did it take to make Avatar?

[289] Okay, this is about the same time.

[290] They've probably got some better technology.

[291] That Pixar probably has, like, we have this whole VIP section that we don't talk.

[292] That's so funny.

[293] Could you imagine if one day there's cameras that don't just capture a 2D version of what you're seeing, but somehow or another, they figure out some sort of a camera that can actually capture three -dimensional video that you can walk around inside?

[294] It'll create holograms, like really potent holograms.

[295] So you could actually be there standing.

[296] right there next to the troops why they killed Osama bin Laden and press play.

[297] That's entirely within the realm of possibility.

[298] If we can create what we can create right now, I know it's way more complex, but it's what we're doing right now is already impossible to us, you know?

[299] I don't see any reason why they can't come up with some really intense high definition hologram type shit in the future.

[300] Like a virtual reality kind of thing?

[301] Yeah, where you can walk around in the scene.

[302] I feel like I have that universal city walk.

[303] for killing Osama bin lost They probably do I think Americans Oh fuck they would line up for that Just put that in Tennessee somewhere Yeah It's like call of duty Fuck yeah But with a real end Stop it Can't have it You ever been in places like Tennessee Or West Virginia Yeah I spent Christmas in Virginia Virginia Virginia Like backwards Virginia Whoa What are you doing Having Christmas Do you know somebody Do you know somebody in Virginia Do you know somebody in Virginia Do you have a friend there?

[304] I have a friend there.

[305] What was that like?

[306] Oh my God.

[307] I went to the Appomatics.

[308] I passed Appomatics.

[309] What's in Appomattox?

[310] Appomattox Courthouse.

[311] Like for the Civil War.

[312] It's like this tiny, went to a Civil War gift shop.

[313] Oh, wow.

[314] Which is not really a Civil War gift shop as much as this dude just ordered a bunch of shit with Confederate flags on it.

[315] So you have like a baiting suit or whatever.

[316] Oh, my God.

[317] It's really like all small towns in America are the same.

[318] And the more southern you get, the less teeth.

[319] But for the most part, most of America, looks the same.

[320] Isn't it amazing that there's some assholes out there that are still fighting that war?

[321] Yeah, right?

[322] What is it?

[323] Heritage, not hate.

[324] That's what it says under they're going to fight a flag.

[325] Because I understand it means something to them, but if I'm a black person, it's still, that's like a swastika could mean peace and was it Janism.

[326] But to most people, you're like, it's kind of a shitty thing.

[327] That's a very good point.

[328] The swastika is a very good point.

[329] I mean, no one believes that it means peace.

[330] He's the general of that, though.

[331] Like, who's the guy in charge of the hate Robert Lee?

[332] Kid Rock.

[333] He's from Michigan, man He's a northerner Yeah, it's a weird thing Michigan is the south of the north The north and the south are still at odds in some spots Yeah, they still use terms like Yankees And yeah, they get angry at you if you're Yankee They do, it's very weird It's weird because we don't have that feeling And it's clear, the conqueror and the conqueror No, yeah Northerners, we don't have that problem with like, we like southern accents Makes a dude sound sophisticated You know, makes girls sound hot Yeah A southern accent makes someone sound sophisticated No. I'm going to pee in that book.

[334] That does not sound.

[335] A man of taste and culture who appreciates a good whiskey.

[336] See, I hear a man of toast and culture.

[337] Me too.

[338] I'm going to a wall.

[339] You're talking about a Georgia accent.

[340] Southern gentlemen as well.

[341] Texas, you know?

[342] No, I think the laundrom now thing kind of sounds like you.

[343] Yeah, I'm Walmart to get some whiskey.

[344] There's a little of that, but there's also in the dudes that are intelligent that have that accent.

[345] It's pretty badass.

[346] It's one of the appeals of Bill Hicks, I believe.

[347] That Texas accent was fucking cool.

[348] It's cool here in.

[349] People from Texas talk.

[350] I'm from Texas.

[351] Texas is one of the coolest ways to talk.

[352] I really believe that.

[353] See, but it depends on, and this is for anything, where you're from, because there's a Texas accent.

[354] And then if you're from, like, Dallas, I hear, to me, it's this very preachy.

[355] I just am reminded of my teachers that were like, no, ma 'am, you cannot get at tea's the bathroom.

[356] Maybe that's just you.

[357] Maybe it's just me. Did anybody ever do anything to you in Dallas, and you drive through just stuck in your head?

[358] Like, you know, like, there's certain states of mine that you entrap in certain areas, like, for the longest time, I would go by my high school.

[359] Where are you from?

[360] Newton, Massachusetts.

[361] And I would drive by the high school, and I'd be panicked, thinking that I missed a class and they're going to drag me back in.

[362] And I'm not going to get my diploma.

[363] And I'm fucked.

[364] Did I have to go back to school again?

[365] That's what I'm saying.

[366] Like, being from there, being from Texas.

[367] I think of Dallas, and I think of that teacher that talks to you like this.

[368] We don't like Jews.

[369] That's what I hear.

[370] Did you ever have a teacher actually say that?

[371] No, but I did have a friend who, this is my really, I pretty got out unscathed for the most part.

[372] I had a friend who told me, we were like best friends.

[373] Her name was Summer.

[374] And she told me, one day we were like playing and it was like five.

[375] And she goes, if you don't accept Jesus Christ, it's your personal Lord and Savior, you are going to go to hell.

[376] And I guess I had seen a movie recently that had this line.

[377] She was how old?

[378] Like we were like six, five, probably five.

[379] And I guess I had seen a movie and my automatic response was, I have naked pictures of your mother.

[380] I had heard it, like on a movie or something.

[381] Her mom calls my mom.

[382] Now I heard Eliza said something inappropriate about having naked pictures of me. And my mom was like, well, to be fair, you told, your daughter told my daughter she was going to hell.

[383] And her answer, her response was, oh, I'm going to have to talk to summer about that.

[384] She's not supposed to start witnessing until she's older.

[385] That was like what we had.

[386] She's not supposed to start witnessing.

[387] Oh, my God.

[388] So you think of things like that, not a southern gentleman.

[389] Oh, my God.

[390] Oh, my God.

[391] Well, you know, Boulder, Colorado, everybody thinks of hippies, but it's also where John Bonnet Ramsey's from.

[392] Yeah.

[393] That's where that went down.

[394] That is where that happened.

[395] Yeah.

[396] I still think of hippies.

[397] Yeah.

[398] Mostly it is, but I didn't think of Dallas in that way.

[399] Well, it's just, it's a perfect combination of Southern charm with money and a snoddy attitude.

[400] It's like the Hollywood of Texas.

[401] Is it?

[402] They're the country people of Texas.

[403] Or can be.

[404] I mean, I love Dallas.

[405] I mean, it's got a lot of money, so.

[406] They're the hardest partiers.

[407] I'll tell you that.

[408] I've had more semi -blackout even in Dallas.

[409] The whole state of Texas.

[410] I miss it so much.

[411] We used to do that Addison Improp.

[412] My God.

[413] With Joey Diaz, that place was chaos, man. And Addison was the only, this is not, no one cares, but Addison was the only county within Dallas where you could drink for a very long time.

[414] Like in the 80s, I think.

[415] That was where all the bars were.

[416] Yeah, if parents had these special tickets you had to have or something, now it has all the bars, but you can drink anywhere, obviously.

[417] Oh, that kind of makes sense that they did that.

[418] kind of makes sense.

[419] That's because it's such a wild place.

[420] It's a perfect place for that improv.

[421] That's a great club, man. It's an improv.

[422] You know, Ari Shafir's headlining that.

[423] Yeah, he's going to headline that.

[424] Sweet.

[425] I've headlined it.

[426] Yeah.

[427] You're in San Antonio.

[428] You're not impressed.

[429] I'm not impressed.

[430] Well, for Ari, it's nice.

[431] What's my hometown?

[432] So they have had me. Do the ex -boyfriends ever show up at your shows?

[433] I've invited them.

[434] Really?

[435] From high school or something?

[436] Yeah, that's fine.

[437] Okay, it's fine.

[438] I don't think so.

[439] I don't know.

[440] Do you communicate with your ex -boyfriends from high school?

[441] no but not out of disdain or anything just one you know you don't talk to and then another one it's probably married and right it's not i don't have any relationships where it's like i don't want a fucking the ham i swear to christ none of them no it always ends amicably if i saw someone i probably give them a hug i don't know if they would give me a hug but you're usually the one that pulls the trigger always always i don't think i've ever been dumped yeah never been dumped which is not can make anyone like me anymore.

[442] Yeah.

[443] What's up with that?

[444] What kind of dudes are you picking?

[445] Hot ones?

[446] Just hot.

[447] Look at what you said it.

[448] Hot ones.

[449] Unshallow.

[450] That's fine.

[451] That's so funny.

[452] No, not out of like, oh, I always win, but just, you know, I mean.

[453] But just you always win.

[454] No, no, it's all right.

[455] Things come to a natural end and some.

[456] Listen, it's part of your spirit.

[457] You're competitive.

[458] It's not a bad thing.

[459] You defend it.

[460] It's harder for the person doing the breaking up.

[461] I think sometimes it is.

[462] Yeah.

[463] You don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

[464] I've been in relationships for a while where I just didn't want to hurt someone's feelings.

[465] Yeah, and then when you're the one that has to do the breaking up, if you're ever feeling bad about it in the future, you can't call them because you're the one that initiated it.

[466] That's like a dick thing, so you just have to keep it to yourself and be sad.

[467] Yeah, sad.

[468] So sad.

[469] So sad.

[470] It's so hard.

[471] Yeah.

[472] Some people are not meant to be, and that person needs to find whoever the fuck they're meant to be with.

[473] And get off my porch.

[474] It ain't me, bitch.

[475] How do you fix one of those domestic violence, holes that sometimes you get in your walls, you know, it's like a humongous hole that's, yeah, before you kick.

[476] Is that something hardcore, or is that really easy to do?

[477] Have you ever done any wallboard?

[478] Yeah, you ever done any dry wall work?

[479] Yeah, but I think maybe a patch.

[480] Yeah, or I punch the hole in the wall.

[481] Well, you've got to be careful because you don't know what the fuck you're doing, you could accidentally, you know, you're going to have to use a razor knife.

[482] You could accidentally slice through an electrical cord that you don't know if it was there.

[483] All right.

[484] You know, you should hire someone to do that.

[485] Really?

[486] You should leave it as a warning to the next girl.

[487] Yeah, we just, you know, you know, what you should do?

[488] Put a picture in front of it.

[489] Glue some false eyelashes and fake blood around the edges of it and just leave it there.

[490] Right.

[491] Oh, I thought you were going to say.

[492] No. Just fuck it.

[493] Because it's in the back.

[494] I thought you meant like make it look like a girl.

[495] No, just that I'm in a little like evidence.

[496] Like as if a girl's head just went right through it.

[497] False eyelashes.

[498] It's in the bathroom.

[499] Like that's the evidence, you know?

[500] Not a little subtle.

[501] Settle.

[502] Settle.

[503] Nothing crazy.

[504] Not a wig.

[505] Is that an eyelash?

[506] Yeah.

[507] It's in the bathroom now right across from the toilet.

[508] So it looks like I have a hidden camera in there now.

[509] Well, you should put a hidden camera.

[510] my girlfriend has that you do you should put a camera there yeah I should put a web now it's already to have done put a webcam up and just say people watch you shit oh that didn't put the toilet roll there and make it look like a real toilet roll yeah I'm surprised no one does allow people to watch you shit for like five bucks a month I bet you would get I bet you'd pay your rent yeah I have that if you had people like that's paid to watch you shit oh that could be a good not me people would definitely do that if they could if you could have subscribe to a 24 hour webcam that's only above the toilet you would get a lot especially if you're a girl.

[511] Why not put the camera in the toilet to watch the poop fall?

[512] Oh, that's probably illegal.

[513] Oh, so you're saying showing the actual poop.

[514] Yeah, showing the actual poop is probably illegal.

[515] It's not weird, but you can show animal poop.

[516] Well, you know, when you get into obscenity areas, like that guy Max Hardcore that got arrested, they arrested him in the most stringent place in the country, which was like this area of Florida that had the harshest laws.

[517] And that's how they prosecuted him because he was selling stuff on the internet.

[518] If he sold stuff to that area.

[519] He's prosecuted by the laws of that area.

[520] What are you telling?

[521] Just a terrible, fucking evil porn where he would do nasty, terrible things to girls.

[522] It's like really, really like sadistic shit.

[523] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[524] That's okay.

[525] Yeah.

[526] I mean, it is and it isn't because these poor fucking girls.

[527] Like what?

[528] He opened up this girl's asshole with like a tool, like this thing, a speculum I guess it would be, pissed inside of it and then had her drink the piss through a straw.

[529] Oh.

[530] Yeah.

[531] It's not like I want to see it, but it sounds like something you'd make up.

[532] Exactly.

[533] It sounds completely ridiculous.

[534] Well, who's, what did, she must have been addicted to drugs or something?

[535] Well, I think, you know, there's some really lost people out there, man, and he's taking advantage of them.

[536] And it's, it is legal, and I guess it should be.

[537] I mean, I'm not the one that's saying that we need extra laws, but I am the one that's saying he's a fucking creep.

[538] The fact that you would want to do that to somebody, you know nobody wants you to do that to them.

[539] Someone should have hug them more.

[540] Oh, it was creepy, man. And that's just one of them.

[541] He pisses in girls' mouths.

[542] I can somehow another the guy who could piss with a heart on.

[543] It's really weird.

[544] I can do that.

[545] This is all about bending your feet and pushing it down like you're pushing down something.

[546] I can't if I have to.

[547] But do you ever have to pee while you're having sex ever?

[548] Yeah.

[549] All the time?

[550] Wow, not me. I will stop in the middle and be like I had to go pee real quick.

[551] Yeah, morning sex.

[552] Yeah, morning sex all the time.

[553] Oh, well, he actually was this.

[554] Don't have a UTI.

[555] This girl was giving him head and he's got a full boner and he pees into her mouth.

[556] And it's like falling out.

[557] I mean, it's a lot of pee.

[558] And then he shoves her head back down and again.

[559] I'm like, why am I watching this?

[560] I don't know why I'm laughing.

[561] Yeah, because it's gross.

[562] My girlfriend has a hot oil.

[563] As long as you don't know that poor girl.

[564] But if she was like, you know, like your next door neighbor and you knew that her mom yelled at her and you know, you grew up and, you know, she was like that 14 year old girl that looked to you for guidance.

[565] And I peed in her mouth.

[566] No, he didn't pee in her mouth.

[567] You just, you see her, you see her hit the wall.

[568] Yeah, he did some time.

[569] I think he's out now, I think.

[570] I'm not sure.

[571] it was a really controversial sort of a situation because nobody wanted to defend him I mean not nobody a lot of people did but a lot of people were you know a lot a lot of people in the porn industry were saying good fuck him he's a creep like what he does is gross right there's a lot of people that like they don't want that to be in the same lumping as regular sex as they're right right well beggars can't be choosers my girlfriend has this hot a whale, she puts in her hair in the shower that's supposed to help damaged hair or dry hair.

[572] Wow.

[573] Is she?

[574] Kind of.

[575] Is she black?

[576] Kind of.

[577] I wasn't even joking.

[578] Only in her heart.

[579] Only in her heart.

[580] Well, we do, but not like as much as black people do.

[581] Anyways, it spilled in the, the, she wasn't using it, but it spilled into the bathtub, and I stepped in the bathtub and did one of those, like, seriously, like, three stooges, like back flip.

[582] Oh, my God.

[583] Head hit the, the wall last thing.

[584] Are you okay?

[585] Huh?

[586] So that's how you got this hole?

[587] Yeah, so now it's this huge bowling ball hole.

[588] Dude, you're fucking super lucky.

[589] Oh, I thought this was going to be about peeing in your mouth.

[590] People die that way, man. Yeah.

[591] The tub is actually a way that people die on a regular base.

[592] Isn't that one of your fears that you'll slip in the shower alone?

[593] Yeah.

[594] And they'll find you naked, wet, hard.

[595] But it's just like...

[596] Well, you're supposed to get rock hard.

[597] When you die guys die, you get super hard.

[598] Like the hardest you've ever gotten.

[599] It's called like the death boner.

[600] The death boner.

[601] Yeah.

[602] I've heard of that.

[603] And I've heard that it's only if you get.

[604] like certain poisons certain toxins in your body or something like we die a certain way I just want to do that would be awesome if it happens that's what a death boner wasn't in that movie too that's the one of the Nicholas Cage movie where he played an Elizabeth shoe he played leaving Las Vegas yes leaving Las Vegas the original title was deaf boner and they didn't think that people in Florida would like it yeah it's not going to sell in the blue states death boner in the red states, rather.

[605] It sounds like a speed rock band.

[606] It's awesome.

[607] There should be a fucking band named Death Boner for sure.

[608] I'm sure there is.

[609] Can we Google it?

[610] Yeah, I bet there is.

[611] Death Bonar, I'm sure.

[612] My dog is ripping the worst marks.

[613] Yeah, right.

[614] Absolutely.

[615] I mean, I think if you ask any guys.

[616] Wikipedia.

[617] Oh, my God, stop.

[618] If you ask any guys, you'd want to die of a boner, but I don't think if you ask any girls.

[619] You don't die of the boners.

[620] No, no, if you have a boner.

[621] No, if you have a boner.

[622] What if?

[623] Here it is.

[624] What if all the blood rush injured?

[625] Spinal cord injuries known to be associated with priapism.

[626] Injuries to serabellum.

[627] Preopism?

[628] I'm not yet.

[629] Okay.

[630] Injuries to the cerebellum or spinal cord are often associated with pariopism.

[631] Is that it?

[632] Priapism?

[633] In living patients.

[634] So it's when some people, when they're talking about deaths by hanging, executions, shit like that, dudes, dicks get hard.

[635] that's the way to go yeah is that because they've observed the effects of the genitals of both men and women Jesus Christ what they shoot a chick in the head and then check to see if she's wet yeah the labia oh my god the labia labia and clitoris becoming gorged and there may be a discharge of blood from the vagina oh when you die a death tear yeah my god it's like nature's hail Mary that's the sister band nature's nature's Hail Mary I mean nature's like listen we might be dying right now so just like any let anybody fuck us and maybe we'll get pregnant bloody death tear maybe it's because your blood is already your body's fucked your body doesn't know what to do that's what it is it's a rap son wow fatal gunshot wounds the brain that's that happens no this is just Wikipedia and some articles it references but it's it's actually a real phenomenon that happens sometimes pretty fucking nuts death boner do you die do you want to be wet don't look at don't look at me don't ask you questions like that what do you want why would I care that's what it was because you know all guys would want to have a bone no I'll tell you what I don't want anything sexual I don't want a coroner looking and I don't want anywhere in her poor be like she was really wet like I just want to be a nice normal death nothing like you know freaky does it drive you crazy that coroner gets to see you naked and do everything detective who at my husband whoever finds me yeah to be like she was so wet she was so turn on Because that makes you weird Because then they're going to think Oh, she died when she was watching The Golden Girls and she was wet You're going to think it's a thing I don't want any of that Yeah, it's going to be in your death report Wet That's the Under, under moisture Who's watching Golden Court girls?

[636] Because I watch it every night before I go to bed God forbid I have an aneurysm Dry, medium, and ready to rock So you're that addicted to the Golden Girls That you've named your dog after?

[637] No, no That just happens to be a coincidence?

[638] Yeah.

[639] I just picked an old lady name, and Blanche came in my head.

[640] And then, as of late, I started watching the Golden Girls.

[641] But this was, I got her like three years ago.

[642] Why do you watch the Golden Girls?

[643] Because it's on when I go to bed.

[644] I love it.

[645] Good show?

[646] It's a relaxing.

[647] It's like a warm hug to you when you sleep.

[648] Do you ever watch the show?

[649] Yeah, watch it all the time.

[650] It's the, the writing is so smart.

[651] I haven't watched a sitcom in forever.

[652] It's on one of our, like, affiliate, whatever.

[653] If you had to sleep with one, which one would be?

[654] My one would always Betty White.

[655] Why?

[656] Why would you sleep with group?

[657] Back in the day, she was the hottest one.

[658] She was the young, feisty one, you remember?

[659] They were all, like, 900 years old.

[660] Well, one was creepy.

[661] One was, like, Quagmire, that whatever, that she...

[662] Why wouldn't you want to sleep with Rue McClanahan?

[663] She was the one that was a whore.

[664] Yeah, she was a wheyer.

[665] That was her thing.

[666] Really?

[667] A whore.

[668] Ruma...

[669] Okay, the Betty White played Rose, and she was an idiot.

[670] B. Arthur played Dorothy's Bornaq, who was, like, really smart and eight feet tall.

[671] Yeah, she was a lesbian in real life.

[672] And then Rue McClanahan, who played Blanche Devereaux, who was a self -proclaimed slut.

[673] And she was always running off to, like, sleep with some eligible young man. Right.

[674] And you would want to sit with that one because she was...

[675] No, Betty White, all the way.

[676] That was the Chrissy.

[677] I don't know.

[678] You liked Chrissy?

[679] Oh, Chrissy was the best one.

[680] Who's Chrissy?

[681] And the third one, is okay.

[682] Oh.

[683] Which one was Chrissy?

[684] She was the second one?

[685] The first one.

[686] The first one.

[687] The first one.

[688] She was Ann Summers.

[689] Back in the day, wearing this little shorts and...

[690] She was the best one?

[691] Yes.

[692] Definitely.

[693] Would you ever want to sleep with an older woman?

[694] I would sleep with Suzanne Summers.

[695] Like older, like 60?

[696] Yeah.

[697] Like 68.

[698] Like 68.

[699] Probably not.

[700] Suzanne Summers is probably that.

[701] She's unlocked the secret to live.

[702] being young she has the book on it all right demi more on drugs she's not 68 by any means she's like almost 50 oh that's different yeah she's hanging in there I guess uh she had some sort of a reaction you know did you hear about that shit it was like red bull or something like that that's what they're saying that's not what it is she apparently drinks she was doing nitrous and she did salvia what's that's what it is where are you hearing this from you can't just say this allegedly no one's ever had a bad reaction of salvia well TMZ was reporting that it was whatever nitrous oxide which could be true because she had a seizure she fished but that lasts like five to ten minutes I've fished before now salvia the police report they had they censored the 911 call because of personal privacy and then the police report came out as that she smoked something so you don't smoke nitrous so I'm thinking it's salvia I'm thinking that was what was she smoking fish on the ground for her PCB you sure that she's, the police report said she smoked something?

[703] Are you just hearing this from TMZ?

[704] This is, TMZ was reporting on it.

[705] So that's what it is.

[706] We shouldn't really say that though.

[707] All right then I'll finish with allegedly.

[708] You could get the same rush from chewing five gum that you would want salvia.

[709] Why don't we just Google it real quick just so that we don't get in trouble?

[710] No, I'm 99 .9 % sure.

[711] Okay.

[712] Okay.

[713] What was I talking about?

[714] You were talking about her get hurt.

[715] Well, I just, I don't know.

[716] I just feel bad.

[717] The information is probably out there.

[718] You're saying that it was nitrous oxide and seven.

[719] I heard it was Red Bulls.

[720] Someone called it a death puddle.

[721] A death puddle.

[722] The wet thing you're talking about.

[723] Oh, ew.

[724] Yeah, I don't like that.

[725] I smoked.

[726] And whatever it is, you think that her PR people wouldn't put a spin on it.

[727] The media doesn't have an allegiance to the truth about celebrities.

[728] So it's whatever they hear, they're going to...

[729] Can I just say to you're own show?

[730] NMSNBC right next to Rachel Maddo.

[731] You need your own show.

[732] Me?

[733] Because I said allegiance?

[734] No, you'd be great at it.

[735] You're very articulate.

[736] You got a great vocabulary.

[737] You would kick ass in one of those shows.

[738] And you'd be able to make fun of shit.

[739] That's what I want.

[740] Is that what you want?

[741] I have a pilot we're doing with VH1.

[742] I want to have my own late night chit chat.

[743] Like a talk show?

[744] Yeah, but not as shit.

[745] How can we haven't done a podcast yet?

[746] I have a web show that I do every week.

[747] Oh, you do?

[748] Do you want to be a guest on it?

[749] Hell yeah.

[750] Of course.

[751] Of course.

[752] I would love so.

[753] I just sound off on why people are wrong every Monday.

[754] What is it?

[755] What do you do?

[756] It's called the weekly news.

[757] The weekly news.

[758] If you want type it in.

[759] Go to the stream is in water.

[760] The stream.

[761] Dot TV slash.

[762] And then put swimsuit or underwear.

[763] Weekly.

[764] W -E -A -K -L -Y.

[765] I've been doing it for five years.

[766] Yep.

[767] Demi Moore.

[768] Stream .tv.

[769] What is there?

[770] Slash weekly, W .E .A .K .L. Demi.

[771] Demi Moore has smoked something similar to incense and was semi -conscious, barely, said the worried voice on the 911 call to get more help.

[772] So similar to incense.

[773] Said the fucking idiot who thinks of smoked incense.

[774] The closest thing to similar to incense is salvia.

[775] You think?

[776] I'm 100%.

[777] She smoked Salvia.

[778] She did it in Ari Shafir, where she went to a different world, you know.

[779] I don't know if you ever saw that video is awesome similar to incense that's that sage yeah yeah yeah that's what salvia yes it's salvia yeah and so she went to the other world which you can easily do DMT style like I mean you can get pretty close to DMT kind of effects from it she but my question is is why did maybe she her body like had a little stroke because of it or something because of her age because she's not that old man no I just got old for a hot check she's not like old like she's in trouble the only reason is I say that Because after, you know, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, you usually are fine.

[780] So unless the ambulance is right next door.

[781] We don't know what else she takes.

[782] Yeah.

[783] Maybe that was cocaine.

[784] You're totally speculating.

[785] Oh, yeah.

[786] Something similar to InSense does sound like salvia because sage, the plant, sage is something that people frequently burn.

[787] It's like ward off spirits and shit.

[788] And then sage is the salvia plant.

[789] It's like the same plan.

[790] Okay.

[791] Whoever was with her would know what she was doing.

[792] So they're obviously covering up the fact that she was doing something that they don't want the public to know about no one calls yeah with like something similar to smoking inside no one would say that that's such a ridiculous thing to pull out of your ass well that i just don't think they want to advertise that it was savvy because it's still legal in most states and they just don't want you know to advertise it at all that's right that's a good point that's a very good point because if it was an actual illegal drug they would want to know what that drug was right and since yeah you probably that makes a real that's a lot of sense dude you should be a fucking detective i know i got that you should just you should really for c s i or something.

[793] Like you totally did the math there.

[794] Yeah, because if it was anything else, if it was like, you know, she was smoking cocaine, like, whoa, they would tell you, hey, she's a sensational story.

[795] She's, poor girl, she's smoking cocaine.

[796] But she's smoking something similar to incense.

[797] And that's why she, yeah, Salvia can fuck your world up.

[798] All you have to do is look at that video of Ari on your, or me, or you.

[799] Talk about my face.

[800] But when Ari was on your show.

[801] Yeah.

[802] Oh, yeah.

[803] When he was on your show, on Desquod.

[804] TV.

[805] And he did Salvia and just melted into everybody.

[806] Yep.

[807] Yeah.

[808] And he was cuddling up with Sam.

[809] It was so cute.

[810] And if somebody talked to her to doing that, and she's not used to psychedelics, if she hasn't had a psychedelic thing.

[811] If she's not used to something and she had a bad trip and maybe she's on some other things.

[812] Or it could also be that it ignited some horrible insecurity in her, too.

[813] Yeah.

[814] And she had a panic attack.

[815] What does she have to be insecure about?

[816] I'm totally kidding.

[817] I'm funny.

[818] That's so cute.

[819] I love when you do that.

[820] I typed in the stream .com TV, the weekly, but it says it's a page.

[821] Oh.

[822] The stream.

[823] Dot TV slash.

[824] Slash.

[825] W -E -A, K -L -Y, no the Just weekly Oh, weekly Take out the the -the W -E -A?

[826] K -L -Y, yeah Oh, okay Because I don't have a strong point of view I got E Okay, you crazy bitch I got you.

[827] We did one on Monday The weekly news, powerful And so you do this Every week?

[828] Every Monday we have a studio And it's a network And there's other shows on there And we've been doing it For about five years Oh really?

[829] Yeah, I do every week You know, eventually this is going to be a television station, huh?

[830] I mean that is the future we yeah and there's a he's got some the owner of the thing it's got some pretty cool things going but that's my little forum cool yeah all right we'll tell people to go there do you want to come on it fuck yeah for sure we'd love to sure boom it's done we just made a date we have a segment called who should be shot where we argue the lesser of two evils it usually has to do with who should be shot the supplier or the demander and then we talk about something right so you can you can either you can pick what side you're on wow supplier or the demander for specific things like for terrible things like guns or something like that well no it's more it's not as heavy hand it like last week i i was talking about how much i hate chocolate fountains so who should be shot the fat fucks that wait in line or the caterer that's like oh chocolate falons let me give you one i like chocolate fountain yo why is it bad strawberries with chocolate is yummy that's fine but then people start to get into like oh what else can i dip in this about my dick roast up and by the end it's all like there's garbage in it and chicken i think you're partying with the wrong people.

[831] Yeah, like Golden Corral.

[832] Yeah, I have to stop hanging out with those people.

[833] Golden Corral, what is that?

[834] That's where they have a chocolate fountain.

[835] What's the Golden Corral?

[836] It's a buffet for more people.

[837] Where is that?

[838] It's probably out somewhere in the valley.

[839] It's a, like a family, like a hometown buffet.

[840] Oh, a restaurant?

[841] Yeah.

[842] No, like a, what would it be like?

[843] Like a, you never heard of hometown buffet?

[844] Or like a Bob Evans.

[845] Like, it's like a place, like a lot of food for a little money.

[846] Right.

[847] Not super nice.

[848] I'm trying to think of some names of different.

[849] places like that but like they escaped me it's like less nice than a red lobster right yeah kind of like that yeah it's like a little bit nicer to sizzler and their big thing is that they have a chocolate fountain so well that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about if you go to somebody's dope party they got a chocolate fountain yeah you ever go to someone's party that just goes ridiculous yeah I went to this dude's party he had this crazy party in Malibu and he's like some super super billionaire type character and he had brought in snow and the whole hill was covered in snow and people were sledding.

[850] You guys have that here.

[851] At the entrance to your little community you live in, there's a big thing that says snow day.

[852] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[853] Is that like to make up for it?

[854] That's like for the whole community.

[855] No. They'll bring in snow.

[856] Yeah, they bring in snow.

[857] This dude had it out in his house, though, in his yard.

[858] He had a ramp built.

[859] He, like, it was constructed, like, because he didn't have enough of a grade for a hill, so he built it up as a giant ramp.

[860] Is it all the snow there just for the party or all the time?

[861] That's cool.

[862] Yeah, it was crazy.

[863] He had so much shit going on but no chocolate found so I was like what's this bitch ass party with no chocolate found and I think they've become so pedestrian like everyone has them now I would want it I love them with strawberries I think strawberries is chocolate delicious it's not the same it's not the same you get when the chocolate's like it's shitty chocolates made I have a blog about it so I don't want to repeat my blog but repeat it because I'm not going to read it no no I'm just saying like I don't want to I don't want to look like I read my blog and then I go and I it's like chocolate pellets that you can buy it like micha mortals no you buy metal grocery store no not like that it's like a special kind of chocolate it's just gross it's just not the good chocolate it's not the good chocolate if you had like giradelli dark chocolate some some fucking badass chocolate and that was melted would you be down no because I also don't like chocolate you what what I'm tolerating this body oh my god she's such a strange woman so strange I don't like chocolate with her dog substitute for a child that she carries with her everywhere she goes fucking hating chocolate I love candy dumping men undefeated streak of men she's undefeated she's an undefeated streak of man dumping and she carries a dog everywhere with her do you mimic nursing with that dog ever I wish oh terrible breath I wish I could say that I not only gave birth to her but that I nursed her I nursed you look at I mean do you do you have the urge to reproduce I have a baby one day Yeah If you could have a baby with that dog One dude that you decide to keep around That I mate with Because I'm going to have just a stunning child Say listen You know You've been picked for your genetics and intelligence But don't tell me what to do Here we're going to make a baby together I'm going to kill him At the death cock What is it called the death boner Death boner No What if you already jerked off that day And he's got nothing left for you What if he just throw it out Me don't jerk off what I'd like have a baby Would you for sure Yeah I'm not I think it gets weird When you don't want to be the girl That's nagging your boyfriend about it or something You don't want to be the girl that talks about all the time But I think You know we are genetically predisposed as women We're maternal we do want that one day So I take care of this little dog But I don't It's not like on my mind Like I'm just got a baby soon Get ready It happens You ever draw pictures of what you want your baby to look like or anything weird like that?

[864] No. Who does that?

[865] What the fuck, Brian?

[866] It's so weird.

[867] Is that what your black girlfriend does?

[868] Between hot world treatments?

[869] Of longing to have children seem creepy as fuck.

[870] If anybody could make that the most beautiful of natural urges seem creepy as fuck.

[871] It's you picturing some fucking crazy lady sitting there sketching out what she wants her kid's teeth to be shaped like.

[872] Girls, I like that I think.

[873] You fucking nut.

[874] Yeah, well, that's the thing, man. Some people like anything.

[875] There's a lot of people that like all kinds of crazy shit.

[876] You know, that's one of the weirdest things about growing up is experiencing the different things that people not only tolerate but actually love.

[877] And then you try to bring them up with another person, like, get the fuck out of here.

[878] They get angry at you, you know?

[879] Does anyone do that?

[880] I do it all the time.

[881] I drop my way to I want my baby to look like.

[882] I'm sure somebody has.

[883] For sure, somebody must have.

[884] They must have.

[885] babies are a little weird looking at first.

[886] Sure.

[887] They're mushy.

[888] Well, they're terrified, too.

[889] You look at a terrified object.

[890] You're like, oh, Jesus, poor little thing.

[891] Yeah.

[892] They have, like, dry skin sometimes.

[893] Yeah, little rashes.

[894] And you're like, what the fuck's going on here?

[895] I'm like, cat...

[896] Yeah, it's very tricky, man. Raising little babies is very tricky.

[897] Keeping them for diseases and getting shots, you know.

[898] I can't even get blenched not to eat cat poop.

[899] I can't imagine, like...

[900] Oh, yeah.

[901] You got to watch them every step.

[902] Like, my one and a half -year -old is just now.

[903] at the stage where I can let her get like one or two feet in front of me. Without her doing something stupid.

[904] Yeah, but they've got to be right there, right there, what are you doing, what's going on?

[905] And then maybe sometimes she'll be in an area where she can't mess anything up.

[906] She's wandering around the bathroom.

[907] Like, okay, I got an eye on you, let you walk a little.

[908] But you have to always be right there in case you're like, what is it?

[909] I lick this, and they're sticking in there.

[910] You know, they don't know.

[911] They don't know anything.

[912] And isn't it crazy how you have that desire to protect her in the first?

[913] Like, it's not hard for you to make sure she's saying.

[914] Like it's a natural instinct.

[915] You know, people who don't have children really have no idea what the experience is like.

[916] It's so hard to describe.

[917] I thought I could kind of guess what it would be like before I actually had kids.

[918] I would think, yeah, it was probably just a really intense love.

[919] And, you know, it's probably really hard to probably test your patience.

[920] But, you know, you really want, it's not like that at all.

[921] You actually get love and pleasure from it.

[922] That's what I didn't understand.

[923] I thought even like the difficult times of raising kids, I thought it would be stressful.

[924] and it would be it would be something you regret but you get like you get so much love from and it's so fun it's like you actually get it's rewarding and that's what i didn't anticipate that it's like the fun involved in like raising kids it's like if you're enjoying it you know and you're enjoying like raising them and talking to them and hanging out with them and playing with them it's it's so rewarding i didn't anticipate that i thought it was just going to be you know like loving and you know but difficult it's it's so much different than i ever thought of it's I think you thought that initially, I mean, the fact that you're, this is not a slight against men.

[925] Like, women are obviously more in tune with, you know, being maternal and mothers and all this stuff.

[926] So it's not about being a guy, but do you think being a comic?

[927] Because when I watch comics that are fathers, reluctant fathers, not everyone planned to have a kid.

[928] I always get the vibe that people hate their marriages, hate their kids.

[929] And so that's always the way I felt like comics were like, oh, I got this kid.

[930] Oh, my kid's annoying.

[931] I'm like, do you think you felt that way because a lot of your friends or whoever you would watch?

[932] when you were coming up, had a disdain toward being a father?

[933] Well, I think as comics, you know, we all can speak for the whole group and say that we're pretty much all fucked up.

[934] And super selfish.

[935] Yeah, super selfish and fucked up in one way or another.

[936] You know, I don't know.

[937] Everybody's got their own little kink.

[938] And for most of us, it came from our childhood, right?

[939] Most of us, it came from, you know, either parents splitting up or, you know, being ignored or weird shit that makes you want not all of us but the vast validation and attention yeah and then the overwhelming need to do it so much so that you're willing to risk your self -esteem by going on stage in front of strangers right you know and I think when you've been through that you're automatically apprehensive as a potential parent of like recreating that same sort of environment that you had to experience when you were a child so you're really reluctant to be in some situation where you, you know, you're going to fuck up the same way someone fucked up with you.

[940] Oh, that's one way of looking at it.

[941] Okay.

[942] That is exactly how I looked at it, you know.

[943] And then there's also the part of being connected to this other person.

[944] Like, you're responsible for them.

[945] Not the baby, the other person that you mate with.

[946] Oh.

[947] Because you have to choose that wisely.

[948] Because I have friends that have had babies with fucking crazy people.

[949] And their life is chaos.

[950] Their life is craziness and the woman is constantly fucking with them and trying to make them jealous.

[951] And doing horrible things and saying bad things to the kids and it's just constant chaos you know and then he's got to always deal with the ex the new boyfriends and all these new guys that are on his kids like i've seen people that have that have had kids with the wrong person and it's just been a disaster so there's that too you know it's so weird because in my early 20s uh like that's when you you know you're on your own for the first time and you're whatever in holl in we'll say LA and i would watch these male comics and a lot of them and I'm sure you and I know several, we have several in common where some guy, probably in his 40s, just effed some woman and she happened to be the one that stuck around, so now he's married.

[952] And he's like, you never hear him talk about his wife, he kind of doesn't like her, or he like had sex with a crazy girl, and now they have a kid.

[953] And he likes the kid, but he hates the woman.

[954] And I think men get to dictate the way society feels about marriage, because just being the stronger of the sexes.

[955] And whatever guys like is always like the cooler thing.

[956] girls are always no one ever wants to do the girl stuff what do you mean by them like women always want to wear men's clothing women want to go where the guys are oh it's always like guys you know girls always want to be part of the boys club no guys knocking down the door to get in the girls club yeah you're like to be part of them you know we want our comedy is you know like male centric and everything we do we want to be one of the guys and taken seriously like men so the view on kids in marriage you at least as a comic i'm watching them and they seem so unhappy so it all of a sudden becomes like uncool to have a baby and that's, I've noticed a lot of girls saying things like, I don't want to have kids, I don't want to get married, I don't want to be in a relationship, the fuck you don't.

[957] You have to, of course you do.

[958] It's just become the thing du jour to say that you don't want that because women think men find it more attractive.

[959] Oh, wow.

[960] How many women are running that game?

[961] So many.

[962] Just running around and pretend they don't want relationships.

[963] That or they think they don't.

[964] I mean, I host a dating show.

[965] Right.

[966] And I hear girls all the time and I'm looking at it.

[967] You're a skate.

[968] core like I'm looking at your eyeliner job like I can tell that you suck dick a lot.

[969] Sorry, that's so gross.

[970] Would eyeliner tells you that they suck a lot of them?

[971] Yeah, it depends the way of applied.

[972] Will you write a book?

[973] I'd love to.

[974] For the rest of us?

[975] Right.

[976] You can tell.

[977] You're going to wear like white eyeliner, let's get serious.

[978] Really?

[979] Okay, girl with white eyeliner so suck your dick.

[980] Lashes.

[981] That sounds like Joey Diaz.

[982] It depends.

[983] It depends on the way of your makeup, but I can tell by what you're wearing.

[984] I can tell.

[985] And then you hear them and they're like, I don't want a relationship.

[986] I don't want a guy checking up on me. You want the right guy.

[987] You're not immune to it.

[988] And you say that because you want to, like, draw the guy in, like, oh, I'm really cool, I'm totally mhm!

[989] Oh, that's what it is.

[990] No woman, I mean, I like my space, but I would be upset if the man I was dating, like, never called me. Yeah, right?

[991] That'd be weird.

[992] So, but it's not necessarily...

[993] Do you live with dudes?

[994] Yes.

[995] How many?

[996] At a time.

[997] No. I had...

[998] I didn't mean, I was like, I had a boyfriend that we lived together when I was 25 for about a year, and then I had a boyfriend who visited for a summer and then I have a boyfriend who's for months on end but never like we both signed the lease and it's always kills it when you're young when you're young you get so you should never do that when you're like 20 no never sign a lease I did that when I was 21 it totally killed our relationship I really loved her before that she was fun living together though I was like oh this is a disaster I guess it depends on the girl I probably am the messier like I tend to date guys that are opposite me so I enjoy living with someone because it's nice to have someone to hang out with and talk to.

[999] That's nice if you find a good person, but it's very difficult to do when you're 20, 20, 21.

[1000] You're still a fucking child.

[1001] You don't even know how crazy you are until you live with someone.

[1002] Totally.

[1003] And then they let you know how crazy you are.

[1004] Oh yeah, I'm fucking crazy.

[1005] I've done it as of late, and it's great because then as a girl, if you like to bake, then you can bake for them and you don't have to eat it because guys will eat anything.

[1006] Wow, you like to bake and not eat things?

[1007] I like to, I love baking.

[1008] It's cathartic.

[1009] Wow.

[1010] It's so fascinating.

[1011] and listen to your point of view as an intelligent woman explained to us the traps the chicks set up that we already suspected.

[1012] We all knew it.

[1013] We've had these conversations with ourselves.

[1014] I go, dude, tell me when a girl says to you, I don't want a relationship, what are you thinking?

[1015] She's telling you we can fuck.

[1016] That's what she said.

[1017] It means two things.

[1018] She probably doesn't, like if you're maybe gone on a couple times, she's like I'm just not ready.

[1019] She doesn't like you.

[1020] She doesn't, she's not into you.

[1021] Or it's a lure.

[1022] If she likes you and she's like, no, I'm totally cool.

[1023] Like she might be a cool girl, but she does want a relationship.

[1024] No girl wants to be cool with you just like sleeping with other girls and stuff like that.

[1025] And if she does, she's got bad issues.

[1026] What about girls where it's the one hot girl that has all these guy friends?

[1027] Oh, I can't do that.

[1028] You know those girls?

[1029] That's a weird one.

[1030] I'm a tomboy.

[1031] That is what I wrote my Cosmo article on.

[1032] I have that in there.

[1033] Oh, really?

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] First of all.

[1036] We both are really together.

[1037] Yeah, right?

[1038] Speaking as the girl who has always been the tomboy and always had guy friends.

[1039] When you have a, like a serious, significant other, it takes the place of the relationship you form with a lot of guys.

[1040] You don't need, because you have that male influence in your life.

[1041] You can't just ditch your friends.

[1042] You seem to need it more than most.

[1043] You're very aggressive.

[1044] I know.

[1045] What's that about?

[1046] But you're womanly, you're not like, like, dykey, but you're very aggressive.

[1047] Yeah.

[1048] What is that about?

[1049] I don't know.

[1050] But it's a warm, friendly aggression.

[1051] Like, I never feel creepy around you.

[1052] You're always friendly.

[1053] But, like, I can tell that you're, like, you're like, you're like, you're Like a friendly animal.

[1054] Yeah, well, you're like, you would have been a good competitor and something athletic.

[1055] I know.

[1056] If I wasn't afraid of getting punched in the face, I could have been a really good fighter.

[1057] Oh, well, you just got to learn Jiu -Jitsu.

[1058] Get a good clinch, high guard.

[1059] Do you video game?

[1060] And start slowly with a good trainer.

[1061] I'm not that.

[1062] How old are you now?

[1063] I'm 28.

[1064] Damn, it's not too late.

[1065] You can still get in there.

[1066] Not even Mario Kart.

[1067] No, I don't do video games.

[1068] I don't care.

[1069] Are you strong?

[1070] I'm really strong.

[1071] Really?

[1072] I'm not stronger than you.

[1073] Yeah, but I'm a man. You don't have to fight guys that are men.

[1074] I don't know.

[1075] Yes, I've never had to.

[1076] You could, you could, if somebody taught you how to do it, you could throw it.

[1077] I could kill my dog.

[1078] If I wanted to kill your dog.

[1079] Your dog is just tiny little pain.

[1080] I could kill my cat.

[1081] I bet your kid'd kill my cat, not the male.

[1082] I bet he would fuck you up.

[1083] I would, I actually wanted to take a class.

[1084] I bet you would think you'd kill him until you grabbed them.

[1085] I'd start.

[1086] A cat.

[1087] Once they bite you, we're such pussy.

[1088] If a cat was trying to kill you, if a cat was like trying to kill you.

[1089] You think so?

[1090] No, not a cat.

[1091] If he got a hold of your neck.

[1092] Yeah, you got a holder, and then you pile drive it into the concrete.

[1093] Yeah, but what if you're both dead?

[1094] What if you're both dead?

[1095] Fatality.

[1096] You get a boner and you're gone.

[1097] It's a rap.

[1098] Fuck the cat.

[1099] I would take, I should have asked you, I want to take like a class.

[1100] I would go, maybe I'll tape it.

[1101] I'll go, I want to take like one, maybe like a boxing class.

[1102] Well, no. If you, we don't tape it, what you want to do is, especially in the beginning, you need someone to stand with you and adjust things.

[1103] Like, adjust your shoulders, adjust your hand position.

[1104] Because especially in the beginning, it's very important that you learn with proper technique.

[1105] Because the foundation, the principles that you learn, the habits that you form in the beginning, a lot of times they stick with guys and they get really good.

[1106] So when they get tired, they go back to like their shitty technique.

[1107] Okay.

[1108] So you have to learn correctly from the beginning.

[1109] You don't want to have to correct yourself so you're thinking while you're out there.

[1110] So from the beginning, you only want to do it one way, the correct way.

[1111] So if you really want to learn how to do it, where do you live?

[1112] Well, don't tell me on the air.

[1113] I live in Hollywood.

[1114] Touch it.

[1115] What the fuck are you doing?

[1116] They're going to find you, man. Why do you live in the devil's ball sack.

[1117] Why do you live right there?

[1118] Just because you live in like a really nice neighborhood.

[1119] Yeah, but like Hollywood's taking it dirty.

[1120] Like I'm surprised that you're not like, like Burbank.

[1121] With your cat pee mattress.

[1122] Burbank.

[1123] Right, get out of here.

[1124] What, exactly.

[1125] If the valley is St. his bunnel, Burbank is like in his butthole.

[1126] Good one, wise.

[1127] Burbank is a nice place.

[1128] Hollywood is, it's relaxing.

[1129] I don't have to worry about people fucking peeing on me. How much is your rent a month?

[1130] Two -bedroom apartment is, $1 ,400?

[1131] See, I don't have a rent.

[1132] I have a mortgage.

[1133] Yeah, but I have a back.

[1134] Oh, you own a place?

[1135] Oh, yeah.

[1136] You bought a place in Hollywood?

[1137] Did you get a condo or, um, it's a condo?

[1138] That's not bad.

[1139] Why do you say, like, I don't know.

[1140] It's fine.

[1141] And the area's getting better.

[1142] It is hood.

[1143] Like, it is ghetto.

[1144] Somebody had, uh, it was one of those, uh, TV shows.

[1145] They showed the inside of people's houses.

[1146] And, uh, like Paris Hilton or someone famous like that, might not have been her.

[1147] But someone had a, one of those apartments in, on, uh, on Wilshire.

[1148] You know, those penhouses on Wilshire Boulevard where they have like valets they have like 24 hour concierge yeah where your grandparents like the older like all the way to Santa Monica yeah like those really nice ones yeah those super duper luxury upon yeah this was the dopest view like I didn't know what kind of view these there's no views like this in L .A and it's so high that you know you're you're way up there in this tower looking over the city I'm like wow I'm not really into living in the city but if I was this would be the shit bad man style that area's great I feel like it's where your grandparents live though.

[1149] I would want to have an office in that place.

[1150] I looked at it and the thing I thought of I would want to buy one of those apartments and use it as an office.

[1151] That'd be amazing.

[1152] But they're really expensive.

[1153] They're stupid.

[1154] They're like 20 million bucks or something crazy.

[1155] It's on the west side.

[1156] Is that bad?

[1157] Why is the west side of that bad?

[1158] There's no comedy clubs over there.

[1159] That's true.

[1160] I mean, for the most part, everything I need is in Hollywood.

[1161] That kind of dictated where I bought something.

[1162] I like to be closed.

[1163] You have the luxury of living farther out.

[1164] You have a bit more control over your career than I do.

[1165] You have to go into Hollywood all the time I go I mean I do shows almost every night You have your gig set You're not auditioning like a crazy person I moved down here 10 minute drive I don't want to live in Burbank Gross Why Burbank?

[1166] It's not cool It's not living to be cool though I'm living just to have a quiet I can go in my backyard and be quiet night I can have parking everywhere I have a backyard Fenced in Okay cool so you can just plan your funeral now playing your funeral now what are you talking about i'm i go to hollywood it takes 10 minutes i'm on fucking sunset i just hang out in sunday then i drive back home to my nice quiet castle instead of going staying in the party that sounds you want to stay in where in the yeah you want to be up all night while people are torching your houses do you like um manhattan do you like that kind of city i love new york do you really would you live in manhattan i would i would miss like if i were to move there now it would kind of be like i'd have it wouldn't help me it would be like a lateral move right because it's not like Like, I'm, I always think it's so funny when...

[1167] It might actually be a step down.

[1168] Yeah, because you have to start over with the comedy clubs and everything.

[1169] I think it's so funny when I meet girls like actresses or other hosts and they're like, I'm bag host.

[1170] I'm like, oh, really?

[1171] Is New York just calling you?

[1172] Just every month you got to go.

[1173] I'm back hostel.

[1174] No, you fly to Florida once a year to like visit your parents.

[1175] You're not by coastal.

[1176] I was by coastal for about two months.

[1177] I had two apartments.

[1178] So that's legit.

[1179] I'd fly back.

[1180] I'm like, why don't even have this fucking place?

[1181] Especially when you deal with the first winter.

[1182] You know, and get a, a nice winter in California, like, what the fuck am I doing?

[1183] Yeah.

[1184] My whole family's from New York.

[1185] Really?

[1186] Actually.

[1187] I love it.

[1188] They're all from New York City.

[1189] They're all city people.

[1190] I mean, they start there, and then they're from Long Island.

[1191] Those are the very strange people who are born and raised and then...

[1192] In New York City?

[1193] In the city?

[1194] Yeah.

[1195] It's a totally different animal.

[1196] Yeah.

[1197] They don't understand a lot of parts of the world.

[1198] They don't even know what a pizza is.

[1199] Or they don't, a lot of them don't drive.

[1200] Yeah, a lot of them don't ever drive.

[1201] They don't ever get licenses.

[1202] Yeah, that's weird.

[1203] And so they want to go somewhere on vacation.

[1204] It's a real.

[1205] pain in the ass.

[1206] They have to go get a driver's license.

[1207] They have to take driving classes and learn here to drive.

[1208] And then when they're on the road somewhere, they're incompetent.

[1209] They really shouldn't be driving.

[1210] Because it's its own microcosm.

[1211] Yeah.

[1212] But I do relate to how aggressive New Yorkers are and how forceful they are when they talk.

[1213] Like I like that because I feel like that's how I come off.

[1214] Do you like like really calm men?

[1215] Yeah.

[1216] Yeah.

[1217] You like dudes.

[1218] You're like sweeties who want to rub your feet.

[1219] Like calm dudes.

[1220] Not like pussies or anything.

[1221] Not not pussies, but.

[1222] Just very mellow.

[1223] Very mellow.

[1224] You're very much.

[1225] It's just the dominant, right?

[1226] Yeah, but, I mean, I'm not, like, in bed.

[1227] Like, don't look at me. Turn around.

[1228] Like, it's, you know, they can be.

[1229] Yeah, they can be aggressive, like a quiet aggressive.

[1230] No, you can't be on top.

[1231] But you only, like, two minutes of a sex at a time, remember?

[1232] I just get very tired.

[1233] I have to pee a lot.

[1234] You have to pee a lot?

[1235] You have to pee right now.

[1236] Do you?

[1237] You can go pee.

[1238] Who once have sex for, like, oh, I went all night.

[1239] Like, oh, I got.

[1240] You just don't enjoy it then, obviously.

[1241] You don't know.

[1242] There's girls out there that are freaks.

[1243] Yeah, they probably wear white eyeliner.

[1244] No. It's like hookers.

[1245] Why do you have to hate?

[1246] Can't they just be different than you?

[1247] Can't they just enjoy your two minutes and they enjoy their couple hours?

[1248] That's fair.

[1249] It's okay?

[1250] Is that okay?

[1251] Did a cowboy touch your butt when you're a child?

[1252] This girl's just like getting fucked all the time.

[1253] There's just some freaky bitches up there with crazy amounts of which one was this?

[1254] The one that you all left your podcast early.

[1255] Oh, that's sad girl that sat next to you on the Ice House Chronicles podcast, right?

[1256] Yeah, that was, I walked in and you were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[1257] Right when I walked in, you were.

[1258] going after her.

[1259] I was like, oh no, what do we have here?

[1260] Everyone keeps saying they're like, you gave it to her.

[1261] Oh, no, no, no, no. You were, you were polite.

[1262] You weren't, you weren't being mean.

[1263] I would never want to be mean to her.

[1264] But you were laughing.

[1265] I mean, there were some certain things that she was saying.

[1266] She was just hitting on you.

[1267] That's all it was.

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] That's all it is.

[1270] It was just sad, you know, that same, that's like really obvious struggle for attention by being overly sexual.

[1271] Right.

[1272] Too bad that podcast never was released.

[1273] Yeah, it wasn't?

[1274] That one had to go by -bye.

[1275] No, it's good.

[1276] I always just, you know what It's fun to talk about sex But I honestly feel that a straight up sexual It can be the lowest form of communication Especially between men and women Like if all else fails You can always talk about how you get off And so when we go right to that It's like oh we're not going to attempt to discuss anything All right sure Quit hitting on me But I'm sure everyone listening Do you get hit on a lot By women?

[1277] Yeah I don't put myself in situations Where lesbians are coming at me No I mean like like You have to have a fan base of women that are probably lesbians.

[1278] Do you ever get girls to say, I was like you, and then I figured it out?

[1279] Fuck, man. Meet me at Sunset and the Braille.

[1280] I don't think so.

[1281] I have lesbians that come to the show.

[1282] Really?

[1283] I mean, not like in droves, but.

[1284] Would you have sex with Rosie if it was offered?

[1285] If it was offered.

[1286] No, but I do think people are a little hard on her.

[1287] She's not, she's a heavy woman, but it's not like she's repugnant, like, whatever.

[1288] She was very nice.

[1289] I'm sure she is.

[1290] I really enjoy talking to her.

[1291] I was, I was looking forward to it.

[1292] I flew in really early just to do her show.

[1293] I had like a fucking 6 a .m. She's, I mean, she's been around.

[1294] She's put in the work.

[1295] She's nice.

[1296] Was it exit to Eden?

[1297] What was that one with the S &M club?

[1298] Or the, yeah.

[1299] I don't remember what it was.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] I remember the scene where she was dressed up in the crazy outfit with leather bullshit.

[1302] And then she was in like the Flintstones too, right?

[1303] There's no crying in baseball!

[1304] She was so good in that.

[1305] Yeah.

[1306] Is that the one when she played the mentally challenged girl on the bus?

[1307] I own that movie, riding the bus with my sister.

[1308] The worst Hallmark movie.

[1309] Can I tell you my problem with this?

[1310] I lend this movie out to friends.

[1311] Hallmark sent me a three -part disc one year that had all their shitty movies.

[1312] Oh, my God, I got to watch that.

[1313] It's Andy McDowell, who I think is the worst, fake Southern, like, worst thing ever.

[1314] Rosie O'Donnell is retarded in this movie, and what I don't buy about it is that, she's a mean retard and retarded people aren't mean she's a mean she's mean and smart and sarcastic what so it's just like rosy o'donnell but a little slower oh no like it was just like she was like you want you didn't like her really as a retar she was like a mean retard you watch this movie and it just there was nothing her face didn't look retarded she was just like bitchy so she was just she came off like a stupid person you know i think it's kind of insulting whenever a person who's not really mentally challenged plays a person who's mentally challenged it's like it was the movie pacific whatever the fuck it was where what's his name um downy uh robert downy says uh never go full retard oh tropical tropical thunder tropical pacific i knew it was tropical pacific i knew you went to full retard because he played simple jack simple jack yeah never go feel retard yeah come on i mean it's so true every time someone does but people try it everyone thinks they're good enough to try it yeah even fucking Sean Penn went there.

[1315] I think they do, you can have brain damage and not because if you're retarded, your face will look different and their faces are all still stunning.

[1316] You mean Down syndrome, right?

[1317] I guess you can be retarded without having the facial deformity.

[1318] Well, I have a problem with, you know, like even the word retard has been kind of extracted from the vernacular.

[1319] You know, we're saying it and we're throwing it around really easy.

[1320] We're going to piss a lot of people off.

[1321] A lot of retards that listen to your point.

[1322] It's a tricky word now where it didn't used to be.

[1323] And it doesn't mean down syndrome.

[1324] Well, it does in this, Rosie O'Donnell.

[1325] case.

[1326] Well, retarded actually means slow.

[1327] Like, in music, you have a retard or retardo when things go slow, so take it up with the Italians.

[1328] Well, it should, not only that, the, you know, the, the, the, the fire has been retarded.

[1329] You know, you can say that, can't you?

[1330] Is it a retardant?

[1331] Is it with an N?

[1332] Well, couldn't you say, yes, it was retardant, yes, but couldn't you say the fire has been retarded?

[1333] Because of the, uh, the gas fumes we're spraying on it, the fire's been retarded.

[1334] You could say that.

[1335] It wouldn't necessarily be, you know, this fire is retarded.

[1336] Yo!

[1337] This fire was crazy.

[1338] Crazy retarded, yo.

[1339] Retarded.

[1340] This is terrible.

[1341] Yeah, well, I had this woman came up to me after a show once when I used to do that bit about Noah in the Ark. You know, I do this bit about Noah in the Ark, and the bit was that an 8 -year -old retarded boy, you could tell him the story of knowing the Ark, and he would have some questions.

[1342] And so you would tell, I had the best storyteller in the world who told this incredible story to know, in the arc, and then the eight -year -old retarded boy will go, oh, there's a lot of holes in that story, and the kid sits down and just breaks down Noah's Ark. I had this woman come up to me after a show, and she goes, I thought that was really funny, except the fact that I have a retarded son.

[1343] Whatever.

[1344] And I'm like, you know, I don't know what to tell you.

[1345] You know, I'm sorry.

[1346] I mean, I'm not really making fun of retarded people.

[1347] I'm sort of saying...

[1348] You're smart.

[1349] I mean, I know it's...

[1350] We have to sort of admit in any...

[1351] Anything you do that's creative is supposed to be an expression of how you view life and the culture, right?

[1352] Are we supposed to never use retarded people because they don't exist?

[1353] Or can't use them as an example?

[1354] But you know what?

[1355] She was probably laughing at all the other jokes at the expense of yourself and others, so when it pertains to you, we have to make an exception.

[1356] There's sensitive retarded people and regular retarded people are sensitive.

[1357] It's like we're now...

[1358] No, I think there's retarded people that make fun of themselves.

[1359] What I was doing, obviously, is actually including a retarded.

[1360] person in my act and that's where she's retarded for saying it she's retarded that's stupid i don't know man if that was your kid i think you'd want someone to know that it hurts i have i get i understand where she was coming from i have a friend who's a comic very and she's very funny and one of her sons is autistic and because she's a comic she not makes fun of him but she has a sense of humor about it and like her email is rain mom instead of rainman you know like she gets it and she makes not jokes at his expense but then he's very aware she treats him like an adult and so there's you can be one of those people that gets it and gets their how they fit into the world or you can be weird and be like oh well he's retarded so no one can say that well we weren't talking about her son in specific we were talking about me making fun of an eight -year -old retarded boy yeah I'm saying to the fact that she had an issue with that is stupid I kind of see her point a little bit I stopped doing the bit because I got it on to a CD or DVD right but I would have kept doing it It was a fucking good bit.

[1361] I love it.

[1362] It's like a good bit.

[1363] I think that's funny.

[1364] I wrote something in the other...

[1365] I mean, he was the hero in the bit.

[1366] Yeah, he was the smart one.

[1367] He was the one who wasn't getting fooled by the stupid fucking book.

[1368] Oh, coffee.

[1369] Yeah, I don't know, man. I can see it from her point of view, especially if someone was being malicious.

[1370] No, you can't...

[1371] I mean, obviously do what you want, but you can't harp on the exception and...

[1372] That's true, too.

[1373] Comedy's about generalizing.

[1374] I know, and it would be nice if everybody had a fucking sense.

[1375] humor, right?

[1376] If anybody had a retarded son, then we could all just fucking make fun of them.

[1377] Oh, Eliza, how dare you?

[1378] Every time people want to like you, you can come bring it back again.

[1379] Your dog just poop on you?

[1380] And then you pet your crazy dog.

[1381] You're a crazy dog lady?

[1382] Yes.

[1383] Obviously.

[1384] It's fine.

[1385] You need to learn some Muay kid.

[1386] Would you be more of a grappler or a kickboxer you think?

[1387] I have a question of that.

[1388] Do you like to throw dukes on girls?

[1389] What do you think you'd like to choke a bitch?

[1390] I'll tell you the truth.

[1391] Tell me the truth.

[1392] I think punching is more useful, but no one expect you to kick them and take him to the ground on a Saturday night waiting in line and hide.

[1393] It's true.

[1394] So, I don't know.

[1395] I think I'd have to take an aptitude test, like a physical aptitude test, to see which of my limbs is quicker.

[1396] Right.

[1397] And then we'll just play to that strength.

[1398] What?

[1399] Physical aptitude test to see which of your limbs is quicker.

[1400] Like, am I better with kicking?

[1401] Am I quicker with punching?

[1402] Like, which am I better at?

[1403] Am I naturally predisposed to?

[1404] Well, the only issue with kicking is it takes a while to get good at it.

[1405] And you have to think about, yeah, you're going to get kicked into legs.

[1406] To do it correctly, you've got to learn how to leg kick and you've got to learn balance you have to have really good balance because otherwise someone's just going to take you down by a taser it's easier to take someone down when they're kicking especially if you're kicking to the body I mean I don't ever plan on being in a fight it would be nice to know how to defend myself in case somebody like gets crazy but I don't want to get kicked in the shin that's good thinking it's good to think that way yeah you don't get kicked in the legs it's really hurt or a lot of times you get kicked in the calf like the lower shin like the fibula the little skinny bone is the tibia in the fibula The dudes will kick the shit out of the outside of your Outside of your calf You know what they should do Instead of having tasers They should have like They should have little necklaces with like little vials That are just like filled with AIDS blood And then everyone knows what that is And so if somebody's attacking me like Hey I got my AIDS blood Don't make me throw those in you Yeah no way would I not ever spill that on myself Yeah That would be yeah throw it in their face and their eyes and stuff You still wouldn't want it to happen right You go to jail for that for life But it's a little tiny vile I would take my chances By the time you got to your vial and opened it up, I think I'd beat your ass.

[1407] I think I would rather have be tased and have AIDS blood thrown in my face, wouldn't you?

[1408] Unscrewing a vial.

[1409] No, I don't think you'd get a guy with a vial.

[1410] How much is your vial?

[1411] How big is it?

[1412] No, just like a little, you know, like those little perfume samples.

[1413] Dude, if that broke on you, what if somebody opened a door on you?

[1414] It's shattered on your chest.

[1415] What if it's, you know, like a titanium?

[1416] Why?

[1417] But you'll kill someone.

[1418] You'll go to jail for that if you willingly, knowingly give someone AIDS.

[1419] Oh, my God.

[1420] Yeah, but if somebody's attacking you, you could just say you just threw some blood at him.

[1421] Why not just have a thing of mercury?

[1422] I'm sure that's better than like, if somebody attacked you, you're allowed to shoot him, right?

[1423] If you say, hey, yeah, he attacked me, I threw some blood on him.

[1424] I think that's less than shooting somebody that's attacking him.

[1425] That is the dumbest thing I'm ever.

[1426] You're one of the silliest men that's ever walked the face of the earth.

[1427] You really are.

[1428] I'm just saying AIDS blood probably is cheap.

[1429] And like a guy that has AIDS could sell his own blood and make his own weapons for you, and then that could help him pay his bills for having AIDS.

[1430] Whoa.

[1431] Why wouldn't you, instead of giving him AIDS, give him something that'll mess with them temporarily, like mercury poisoning?

[1432] He can't talk to him.

[1433] No, he gets this far.

[1434] He goes this far out and fucking spasper.

[1435] Do you have AIDS and you're looking for ways to make money?

[1436] I'm trying to make money.

[1437] He has AIDS.

[1438] His brain has AIDS, only his brain.

[1439] It's only the part of his brain that form sentences.

[1440] That part has AIDS.

[1441] It's a very specific form of AIDS.

[1442] It only hits one area of the brain that form logical sentences.

[1443] That part has AIDS.

[1444] Do you ever think you had AIDS?

[1445] Oh, at the time.

[1446] I had an AIDS test when I got health insurance.

[1447] The first time I had health insurance, I was like 23.

[1448] I was terrified.

[1449] And you're like just, even though you didn't have it, you were like nervous.

[1450] Think of all the girls you fucked without a condom.

[1451] Yeah.

[1452] Really?

[1453] Oh, yeah.

[1454] When Google first came, like, when Google was...

[1455] Living in Boston.

[1456] When you live it in Boston, you don't have time to put a condom on.

[1457] I lived in Boston.

[1458] Girls will get angry at you.

[1459] Okay, I decided you're not going to fuck me anymore.

[1460] I changed my mind.

[1461] You had to just stick it in why you could.

[1462] You had to do your best.

[1463] As quick as you could.

[1464] Get away from those monsters.

[1465] Where are you going?

[1466] Did you live in the city?

[1467] You've got responsibilities.

[1468] Responsibilities!

[1469] I lived all over the place.

[1470] I grew up in Newton, but I lived in Revere and Walpham, Medford.

[1471] I lived in a couple different spots.

[1472] I lived off symphony.

[1473] Lynn, I lived in Lynn.

[1474] Oh, the city of sin.

[1475] You never go out the way you came in?

[1476] A year.

[1477] I ate pie there, really stoned one night.

[1478] Whoa.

[1479] Yeah, that was the grossest place I ever lived, like that was on the ocean.

[1480] Ocean was nasty.

[1481] It never felt cool to be on the ocean there.

[1482] It's not a nice ocean off.

[1483] I couldn't appreciate it either.

[1484] I was, you know, 19 or 20 or whatever hell I was.

[1485] You have, you have the AIDS.

[1486] No, I thought I had AIDS once.

[1487] There was this girl that I used to fuck around with the one of the girls that, like only had a three -sum a couple times by one of the girls.

[1488] It was a girl from that.

[1489] She was a hippie.

[1490] She used to be a hippie.

[1491] I ran into her, and she was, like, looking hot.

[1492] She wasn't hippie anymore.

[1493] She has big boobs.

[1494] So we fucked a couple times.

[1495] She had boob job?

[1496] No, no, she always had good boobs, but now she was just like, No more hippie.

[1497] Yeah, just a hot girl.

[1498] Yeah, just hot girl.

[1499] And so we fucked around.

[1500] We've, you know, back in the day, they used to have, like, webcam things, and I fucked her on webcam.

[1501] You know, thank God, no one ever recorded her.

[1502] How old are you?

[1503] 37.

[1504] And then so.

[1505] Doesn't he seem like he's 12?

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] I thought you were younger.

[1508] Not, like, immature.

[1509] I just thought you were.

[1510] Right.

[1511] And then, uh, she, uh, didn't live in the city.

[1512] And so she got pregnant.

[1513] And then she came back and I had to, like, sell all this stuff to pay for, uh, the baby hammer or whatever it's called abortion.

[1514] And so then I found out from a friend that knew her, there's like, dude, she's been doing heroin lately.

[1515] You know, she's, I guess she's been doing heroin a lot now.

[1516] She's just fucked up.

[1517] And I'm thinking, oh, great, I fucked a heroin addict, you know, with no condom on.

[1518] You know, and I'm like thinking.

[1519] And then one day out of nowhere, she called me up and goes, Brian, I need to talk to you about something.

[1520] And I'm like, no, no, no, no, bad caller, you know, I hung up.

[1521] Because my girlfriend was in bed with me. Right.

[1522] And I was just like, I can't talk to you.

[1523] And for a couple years, I was like, what does she want?

[1524] to talk to me about.

[1525] You still don't know?

[1526] No, no, wait, listen.

[1527] And then, so then I went on Google.

[1528] When Google first came out, I'm like, I'm thinking any kind of symptoms I've noticed I've had, and one was like sweating at night.

[1529] And I'm like typing sweating at night.

[1530] And it was like, oh, AIDS.

[1531] And then I was like, I was like type in something else, you know, like headaches or something, you know, AIDS.

[1532] It kept on going back to AIDS.

[1533] So for a couple years, I was freaked out.

[1534] And finally, I had some kind of mole removed, and they had to do a full blood thing.

[1535] And I'm like, can you add the AIDS bonus test?

[1536] that and i was fine but it was such a relief and then later i found out that she wanted to tell me that uh she didn't have was pregnant i she never got an abortion and that she just wanted money to buy more heroin so she had a confess to you wow it was one of the 10 steps yeah that's one of those things it's 12 steps whatever it is yeah you have to write the wrongs have you ever dated someone that was an alcoholic i went on two dates of the girl once it was really cool and she turned out to be an alcoholic the first day we had a great time i was like wow this chick is so cool you drank on the date or she didn't drink i don't think we did no we just hung out and i remember talking to her like she's so nice so normal and then the next night it was uh at some bar in hollywood uh where there was going to be a comedy show and she had got there before me with her friends and she was fucking hammered hammered right away hammered and and and for some reason mad at me and i had done anything.

[1537] I had done like nothing.

[1538] I just got there.

[1539] I was like, what's going on?

[1540] Fucking where you?

[1541] Where's you?

[1542] Or something crazy.

[1543] I was like, why are you so drunk?

[1544] I go, what the fuck happened to you?

[1545] And I go, where are your friends?

[1546] Is someone here with you?

[1547] I'm fine.

[1548] My self.

[1549] And she pulls away from me. Your impressions of women.

[1550] Women are so gross.

[1551] This one was.

[1552] This one was.

[1553] Right.

[1554] And the Roboson one.

[1555] She knocked a glass over and it was like the whole deal stumbled, lost a shoe.

[1556] I got her shoe and put it on.

[1557] I was like, wow.

[1558] I really liked you like the first date I like this girl's cool she totally was like girlfriend material she was fun she was friendly she was nice and then boom next night trashed just like to the point of like there's no way you get ever hang out with someone who gets that drunk oh god because then it'll get personal then she really will be mad about something and what's also when you look real alcoholism in the eyes and they're just floating around with the rest of us like most people that I know that drink could not drank from now to the end like between us like Ari Duncan Joey all of us we if we sat around and we you know and we found out that one of us did never had a drink again and that one of us just you know one of us just drinks every night now it would be I would be more likely to believe that they would just give it up like I don't think any of us would have a problem giving it up I gave it up the other day for four days because I got so drunk Thursday.

[1559] Give it for four days.

[1560] Did you hear what I did, how drunk I got Thursday?

[1561] I didn't even tell you this.

[1562] All right, so I went to...

[1563] What I was going to say, though, but is that we, before you say this, though, is that that's most of us, but we all do know one person who's not that way.

[1564] We know one person who, you give them a couple of drinks, and they're fucking gone.

[1565] And I didn't know it existed until I met people in Hollywood.

[1566] I was the same.

[1567] I grew up, I didn't know anybody like that.

[1568] And you meet people in comedy in particular.

[1569] I'm sorry.

[1570] Yeah, it's true.

[1571] that I remember there's this one booker who was super cool and then he would just be really mean to me. I don't have any enemies in comedy.

[1572] And I never understood.

[1573] I'm like, what did I do wrong?

[1574] Like, why is he mad at me?

[1575] And I found out he was a raging alcoholic.

[1576] And if you're not, if you're unaware of those types of people or how they act, you don't know how to handle it because I never knew anyone like that.

[1577] It's so bizarre when they literally change personalities.

[1578] And you think it's you.

[1579] Yeah.

[1580] And not only that, you're actually, you're trapped with a crazy person.

[1581] Like if you're having a conversation with them, they're drunk.

[1582] And you're like, whoa, whoa, well, this person doesn't, doesn't even see reality.

[1583] They don't even see reason.

[1584] So what were you going to say?

[1585] I got Eddie Bravo drunk the other day, Indian drunk at Sam Tripley's Nottie show.

[1586] You didn't get him drunk.

[1587] You got drunk personally.

[1588] I got.

[1589] You got as drunk as he gets.

[1590] Me and Veronica were going to the Nottie show.

[1591] We both had an eight all day.

[1592] And we were like going to eat, but we were running late.

[1593] So we're like, you know what?

[1594] We'll just go for a bit and then we'll go get something to eat.

[1595] And I guess there was, somebody told me there was, what's that moonshine there?

[1596] And I did a couple shots of moonshine, but I thought it was just shots of vodka.

[1597] What are you on the Buconazard?

[1598] Yeah.

[1599] And so I got so fucking drunk that I don't, I blacked out.

[1600] I completely don't remember.

[1601] What is the, what's regular alcohol?

[1602] 100 proof, or Moonshine's 100 proof.

[1603] What is regular alcohol?

[1604] Depends.

[1605] Like, what's whiskey?

[1606] 75, I think, 70, I don't know.

[1607] I don't know.

[1608] But that's grain alcohol.

[1609] It's way more powerful than like tequila, right?

[1610] It's illegal and people make it themselves.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] 100 proof.

[1613] So how many shots do you think that represents at a regular alcoholics?

[1614] I don't know, but I had, they have these old Milwaukee cans about that big.

[1615] I had three of those.

[1616] What?

[1617] And two shots, what I thought was just vodka.

[1618] Three of the old Milwaukee cans.

[1619] Giant old Milwaukee cans.

[1620] Yeah.

[1621] Oh, I thought you were saying old Milwaukee cans filled with that stuff.

[1622] Oh, no, no, no, no. I was like, how are you alive?

[1623] And so that night I got home and I was going through my phone and I was like, remembering all the shit that happened, trying to piece things together.

[1624] One of the things I did was at the show, somebody was yelling out Veronica's name when she was on stage at the Nottie show.

[1625] And he was like, well, hello, Veronica, come here.

[1626] You know, like, whatever.

[1627] So I decided to make fun of him and outdo his heckling.

[1628] So I was, I have it on tape to, it's on YouTube.

[1629] I was going, Veronica, I want a shit on your face.

[1630] But I did it 12 times louder and louder.

[1631] Everyone in the audience is looking back, like, what the fuck is this guy?

[1632] Your girlfriend's name's Veronica?

[1633] Yeah.

[1634] So you're out -hackling the heckler?

[1635] I'm out -heckling the heckler.

[1636] Why were you so inclined to do this?

[1637] I don't know, but the video.

[1638] That's where you went, yeah.

[1639] The video is so hilarious, though, if you look at it.

[1640] It's a, Veronica, I want a shit on your face on YouTube.

[1641] Oh, my God.

[1642] And then, so then, then I felt.

[1643] videos available on YouTube right now?

[1644] Yeah.

[1645] And so I felt so bad that anyways, then that night I went across the street to where we always ate the standard when you used to always the comment story and we went in and there was not, there was only one other table in the whole entire restaurant.

[1646] So me and my girl were eating there and the other table was a drunk Japanese guy, a big tall black guy, and an Armenian.

[1647] And they were about 50 to 55 years old and they were wasted just being slobbery wasted.

[1648] And the Armenian dudes staring at my girlfriend the whole entire time and like to the point where I'm like, why is this guy staring at you so when we eat i go i'm going to go to the bathroom and then we'll leave so i go to the bathroom i come back and he got he was in the middle of this table he got out of the table and he was leaning on the table freaking my girlfriend out like trying to hit on her doing something he knew i was with her he saw the whole time i was there right so i walk up to this and i'm like okay i'm wasted blackout wasted i'm going to act like a fucking psycho and this is how dumb i was i was like what's that man hey how's it going like i like i was like on cocaine or like i was just like up in his face What are you doing?

[1649] And it's like, get the fuck out of here, man. And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry.

[1650] I'm so sorry.

[1651] And I was like, don't make me fucking shoot you, man. And like, you said don't make me shoot you.

[1652] And it got to the point where the standard, the security comes up and goes, do we have a problem here?

[1653] I'm like, no, man. And he's like, here's your bill.

[1654] And I tipped him 100%.

[1655] It was like $43.

[1656] It was like $40.

[1657] Yeah, $40.

[1658] And I was just like, you know, because I was like while I was acting crazy, I was just like, uh -oh, you know, security.

[1659] Here's, here's a 100 % tip.

[1660] And then like, I've come out.

[1661] And you hear the guy sit down.

[1662] And he's like going, he's right.

[1663] I don't know why I did that.

[1664] You know, like, I could hear him saying that.

[1665] Right.

[1666] And I go, have a safe trip outside, asshole, or something like that.

[1667] And then the guy's like, man, stop, man, stop.

[1668] And I just walk out.

[1669] And I'm walking out, I'm like, holy shit, let's get the fuck out of here.

[1670] But I could have easily that guy.

[1671] You played poker.

[1672] You played poker.

[1673] And I bluffed and it worked.

[1674] You won.

[1675] And the funny thing is, before I went to, before I did this, I was like, hey, let's do a podcast while we're eating, you know, to Veronica.

[1676] And I forgot that, like, the waiter came up or something like that.

[1677] And so my, I recorded the whole thing.

[1678] You have the audio version of it?

[1679] But I am so embarrassed by it.

[1680] I do not want to release it.

[1681] It is too, to it.

[1682] I don't even know.

[1683] No, I don't want anyone to have it.

[1684] Brian, Brian, Brian, this is a beautiful thing.

[1685] No, no, no. Do you know how embarrassing thing ever?

[1686] You should sell bad.

[1687] The biggest blackout night, I documented everything.

[1688] But you admitted to it.

[1689] you already admitted to it.

[1690] This is part of the 12 steps.

[1691] Oh, you should totally lose that.

[1692] That thing alone was like...

[1693] Listen, bro, you're like a little slut right now.

[1694] You're teasing the world.

[1695] I might release in the future, but I don't want to release it.

[1696] Come on, you already brought it up.

[1697] You already...

[1698] So embarrassing.

[1699] You gave away all the information.

[1700] It's so embarrassing.

[1701] It's so embarrassing.

[1702] It's not.

[1703] You're crazy.

[1704] I act like a fucking psycho.

[1705] Well, listen, you were felt threatened.

[1706] There was a bunch of men, you know.

[1707] And see, what's so funny is that she did the same thing on years.

[1708] I think I talked about, like, where we are.

[1709] were getting through.

[1710] We went party downtown and it was one street from the shelter and we were drunk at like 2 a .m. walking to our car and with our friend that wasn't drunk that was driving us.

[1711] And we were going through what was like the homeless, you know, where all the shelters are and stuff like that.

[1712] So the street was just all homeless people about a hundred of them in one block, you know, just like zombies walking around and our car was in the middle of it.

[1713] And then like all these people kept on coming up like, hey, drunk.

[1714] It's like thriller.

[1715] Yeah, it was like thriller.

[1716] It was exactly like I've been there yeah and so like this one all these people my girlfriend's hi you know dressed up New Year's Eve style like buttholes showing out and uh and you know New Year's Eve style out it's New Year's Eve where's your butthole girl you ain't even fashionable yeah and so like all these people kept on coming up for money and stuff and her response like her her defense mechanism it's just going and like just like and people are like damn is that girl on crack you know like that so I think I did the same thing and I was so wasted, I don't know.

[1717] You remember that she had done that?

[1718] That comes from a weird place to be like, I'm going to act like a crazy person because I don't think I could do that.

[1719] I think it's just too much confidence, liquid confidence.

[1720] You know, like I'm just going to...

[1721] Well, you sounded like you were in another world, man. He sounds like you were in so drunk.

[1722] You don't know what the fuck you were doing.

[1723] She already had her butthole out.

[1724] I mean, I guess.

[1725] Well, that's what that's normal.

[1726] It's Halloween.

[1727] I'm a butt hanging out.

[1728] It's Halloween.

[1729] If there's every time, the butthole was, will launch.

[1730] Will launch?

[1731] Yeah.

[1732] Blossom.

[1733] The butthole blossom Why did you send me that picture, by the way?

[1734] Of what?

[1735] He's like, can you do Joe's podcast?

[1736] And I was like, let me check.

[1737] Obviously what I'm doing.

[1738] It was like, it's 4 p .m. And then I click on my text, and there's just a picture of a dog with a cork in its butt.

[1739] Oh, yeah.

[1740] And I was like, don't.

[1741] And I just wrote back.

[1742] I was like, I don't like that.

[1743] Oh, yeah.

[1744] He was like, oh, he can't poop.

[1745] I'm like, don't send me stuff like that.

[1746] That's such a weird, like, from A to B. And now, here's Joe's address, the time, and dog.

[1747] with a cork in its butt.

[1748] Well, I've gotten...

[1749] I did not like it.

[1750] You know, I, uh, that's not real.

[1751] It's a Photoshop.

[1752] But I like...

[1753] It doesn't matter.

[1754] But I love sending random photos, you know, like, and, uh, like, I asked Tom Zagirv, he has a, he's busy Friday, and he's like, I'm in Minneapolis, so I sent him a picture of a big black guy with his dick out.

[1755] And he goes, that's unnecessary.

[1756] You've done that to me. No, you notice, none of us are thrilled.

[1757] Like, you haven't done this to me many times.

[1758] I think we've all seen enough disgusting crap, but when I've been like, we're just like, messages from him.

[1759] It's just sending a text messages from him.

[1760] message and it's an image you can't see what it is like it's at night time at a comedy club or something like that I click on the image and it's a black guy with a giant dick and a white guy sucking it Why is it always funny when it's a black guy's penis?

[1761] I don't know it's funnier taboo for white people this last weekend it was my girlfriend's birthday and she was turning 30 and I was like I'm going to be a material center and erotic cake and what they do when you call for the erotic cake is they take you through the entire order process and at the end tell you how much it is it was like $200 and we're like not even close for a boob cake why because a dick it's a dick I guess how much is a regular cake you have to pay more for the game like it depends on how much like at the grocery store $200 to make a dick cake to have it delivered too oh okay but it was like in Houston it was so uncomfortable because I'm already calling I'm like it's like it's like a big and I had to get a black penis because it's funnier for someone I'm like get a big black penis on the cake and then he was like all right and he was so over his job he's like you won't come you want hair on the balls I was like I literally was like please don't ask me that it's uncomfortable he's like what I do it's what I do here so For $200, you got a black penis, and I had them right to have an elegant birthday.

[1762] Yes.

[1763] Oh, that's a good thing to say.

[1764] Yeah, I didn't want to be like, Sucker Cock, it's your 30s.

[1765] So I wrote something nice.

[1766] I think Sucker Cock, if it's your 30s, would have been way better, actually.

[1767] Why would you not want to say that?

[1768] I wanted to retain some shred of dignity.

[1769] Save that dignity for the tourists.

[1770] Save for my 30s.

[1771] Yeah, I used to always get boobcakes from my family growing up from like 12 on or something like that.

[1772] From them?

[1773] From them?

[1774] From them?

[1775] from them like every day that was like the big thing my dad with their big cakes yeah when you were 12 yeah what 13 and they were actual nipples well they weren't real nibbles they were made out of like Hershey Kisses but you would see like white Hershey Kisses but it would look like two white nipples right she's called what so but it would look like that right yeah yeah it would look like boobs it's fun you know like I don't think there was I couldn't eat it I think I feel like there was like jizz in the batter or something I take that back it wasn't full boob it was the one where the bikini but you could see a little boob around like in it cakes but the older I got I started having nipples but my 18th birthday the older I got I started moving up but and when I was 18 boy we've changed your cake congratulations when I was 18 it was a black one do you think you ever molested that you don't remember is it possible I hope not I hope do you think something something must have happened though right when you were younger that you're trying to block out what you're like I had boob cakes growing up that is weird why you've got you got you your favorite cleavage There were cleavage cakes, and then I think when I was like 16, it started becoming boob cakes, and then I was 18, it was a black.

[1776] They do full -on vaginas.

[1777] Like, they had on the cake list, they had like, open vaginas, vaginas with calm.

[1778] Like, who's like, let me slice into this?

[1779] This looks great.

[1780] The Midwest boob cakes were, I guess, more accepted.

[1781] I don't know.

[1782] Social more.

[1783] Yeah.

[1784] Well, there wasn't a lot to do there, right?

[1785] It was really cold.

[1786] I think just anything.

[1787] It seems like, you know, people that lived in West Virginia and Ohio.

[1788] Is that where you're from?

[1789] I'm from Columbus, Ohio.

[1790] But I think, like, that whole little chunk of area, I think people had a like a sicker sense of humor, Texas.

[1791] I remember, I remember.

[1792] Yeah, like, I remember, like, you'd go to my, like, yeah, you'd go to these people's houses and they would have, like, like, you know, little statues that were some silly, and there was a penis involved, you know, like, and that was, like, at your grandpa's house, you know.

[1793] What?

[1794] Your grandpa's house are.

[1795] My friend's had elephants on their parents' mantles.

[1796] What are you talking about?

[1797] You lived in a sad world.

[1798] He's like, you have the boobcake, then you go cut wood.

[1799] You grew up in a, you grew up in a goddamn Stephen King movie, you know.

[1800] I don't know.

[1801] You grew up in a Stephen King movie kid.

[1802] Yeah, I did.

[1803] It was a Stephen King movie.

[1804] Yeah, that's what it is.

[1805] It's just, it was, people were just not, had more humor.

[1806] They had more humor?

[1807] More sexual humor?

[1808] Sexual humor.

[1809] Well, they're more...

[1810] I just didn't think you just had pervy role.

[1811] Yeah, it sounds like you.

[1812] I'm talking about friends and neighborhoods, families.

[1813] I'm talking about everybody.

[1814] More sexual humor than the dirty comedians you're hanging out with here?

[1815] Like, what do you tell you?

[1816] No, I'm just saying they were like, I grew up feeling like everyone had a dirty joke thing.

[1817] Like, everyone's families had.

[1818] like dirty magazines and everyone's Maybe like maybe like if you find the dad's got like some playboys and like one or two things But not like on the mantle here well boot cakes I think were more accepted Yeah I mean I think that was normal for a lot of people that get a boob cake or a cleavage cake when you're 16 Really?

[1819] Yeah absolutely I believe you I believe you it just it seems weird to me yeah Does your mom have to order it?

[1820] No my mom would never give me a boob cake she you know should give me a Did you ever have one of your friends who had, like, a buddy who fucked his friend's mom?

[1821] No. Did you know anybody did that?

[1822] Never.

[1823] Did you?

[1824] Yeah.

[1825] Yeah, I knew one kid.

[1826] Okay.

[1827] I can only see your eyes right now.

[1828] Yeah, I remember one kid who fucked his friend's mom.

[1829] His friend's mom was kind of a freak.

[1830] And I think they smoked weed together, too.

[1831] Well, that's unforgivable.

[1832] And he banged his friend's mom.

[1833] She was a single mom.

[1834] Was she hot?

[1835] Was he hot?

[1836] I was like 16 or 17, and I think he was a year older than us.

[1837] He may have been 18.

[1838] It might have been like a year out of school and we were sophomores and he banged this dude's mom God that sucks for the kid whose mom like that to know that Yeah, nobody was happy.

[1839] Yeah dudes don't like that I remember when no they don't like that Yeah, when I was in the Boy Scouts one of the fucking 18 year old kids was hitting on my mom and in front of me It was so really yeah Mothers one of the guys who just got out of the boys the other way he's flirting with my mom But at the time my mom was in her 30s she was still pretty hot That's crazy It was gross though Being a little kid going What the fuck Just thinking some dude wants Yeah Your mom I would imagine that's awful I did I never thought about anyone That's probably gonna go Through your head one day You're gonna have to tell some little 18 year old kid To get the fuck away from you Yeah You're taking your kid to school I do now Do you do you do now Do you do now Do you ever want to like Teach him Show them what's up No No Grab a boy by the hair Come here No Train a good one I can't.

[1840] I really don't have a thing for guys that are younger than me at all.

[1841] And so I just get very, there's a PA that works on our show who is adorable and so cute.

[1842] And I'm so attracted to him, but not in the way that I want to make out with him, but I know he's hot.

[1843] Every time he's name's Joey.

[1844] And every time I see him, I'm like, oh, baby Joey, so little.

[1845] Like, I can't.

[1846] I know he's so hot, but I, there's nothing, I don't want to sleep with him.

[1847] I just want to, like, hug him.

[1848] Right.

[1849] I have no sexual attraction.

[1850] Like, I can tell him.

[1851] someone's hot but I have no sexual attraction anyone younger than me because it makes me feel so old right I don't like feeling old in my 20s right that makes sense yeah it's not attractive I don't don't and then everything starts to hurt I feel so old as it is because I'm always so tired well you're very smart for 28 I know you know that's a problem is that a problem must be a problem in dealing with dudes and most guys in their 20s are even dumber than girls in their 20s because of testosterone yeah testosterone fucking clouds your mind and and really massively slows down your ability to accumulate information because it's just so busy chasing pussy.

[1852] Yeah.

[1853] Especially when you're in your early 20s.

[1854] You barely learn a goddamn thing until you're like almost 30.

[1855] You're a dude.

[1856] I get the feeling that a lot of guys anybody comic that knows me obviously isn't hitting on me like you know me. But I get this vibe that a lot of...

[1857] That's nice though isn't it?

[1858] Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

[1859] You're totally one of the gang.

[1860] It's nice.

[1861] But I get this feeling that comics who I know just from seeing around different clubs or whatever that they're a little afraid of me. And it's not because I want to like hurt anyone's feelings.

[1862] But if you come up to me, you say something stupid.

[1863] I'm not going to be like, I'm going to be like, what?

[1864] And then they get nervous.

[1865] But I don't mean to.

[1866] It's just like, act like a person.

[1867] Right.

[1868] If you're going to come talk.

[1869] Well, some men are just fucked up talking to women anyway.

[1870] Some men are so insecure when it comes to talking to women that they fall apart.

[1871] And it so quickly translates to hate.

[1872] Yeah.

[1873] You know what it is?

[1874] I realized that when I had a friend who was an ugly dude who broke it down to me once, who was talking about girls.

[1875] And, you know, I was trying to tell them from a girl's perspective.

[1876] And I'm like, just imagine.

[1877] if you're a girl and a guy like you is constantly trying to fuck her.

[1878] I go, you know, I mean, and he said, well, here's the deal.

[1879] He goes, I have to admit.

[1880] He goes, I'm not good looking.

[1881] He goes, I'm not.

[1882] So they don't have attracted to me. So I have to try harder.

[1883] I have to force myself in.

[1884] Because someone will say yes.

[1885] Yes.

[1886] Someone will give in.

[1887] Someone will just be overwhelmed by his confidence.

[1888] But at the end of the day, they get angry at you.

[1889] And for a lot of these men, it becomes, they just have this direct association in their head with women, with feeling bad, feeling rejected and they just want to strike out and that's where a lot of them that anger towards women comes from you know like my Twitter feed or my Facebook's up people grown men and this is the weirdest thing to me I understand guys can be gross I don't fault anyone for you know you're so hot I want to fuck you all right that's what people say it's but when I go on my Facebook page and you've written something like I want to fuck you so hard I come to like cry something like that and your Facebook picture is of you and your wife like what the fuck is wrong with you like you just had such an uncontrollable boner that you had to ejaculate words on my page and it's just it's not flattering and it's or people write like really meet like I've been on podcast before and even probably today and people will be like you're such a fucking condo and fuck you're like why because I spoke like men get amped for stuff like that oh yeah yeah I'm gonna check my Twitter feed right now keep talking right now you're really yeah now it's gonna be there you guys opened it but it happens uh you're gonna get so many They say a woman scorned is like the worst.

[1890] I think a guy scorned is probably worse because they get rapy.

[1891] A lot of men, especially dudes who don't do well, they do associate women with being the source of their misery.

[1892] You know, it's unfortunate.

[1893] And you know why?

[1894] Because prostitution is illegal.

[1895] That's why.

[1896] Because if prostitution were legal, there would be brothels and someone can take care of those guys' physical needs.

[1897] I'm not saying the women should be prostitutes, but I am saying there's some women who are going to be prostitutes.

[1898] Some are just better.

[1899] And it's not a bad thing necessarily.

[1900] It ain't a bad thing.

[1901] It's a service to the community.

[1902] It's our idea that's bad.

[1903] What?

[1904] It's okay to massage the guy, but it's not okay to massage his dick.

[1905] I say bullshit.

[1906] I think it should be legal.

[1907] It would be safer.

[1908] Totally.

[1909] It should be legal, should be regulated.

[1910] The girls should be checked.

[1911] They should do it like they handle it in other countries.

[1912] That's, we're so, because we're so, I think we've talked about this puritanical.

[1913] It's ridiculous.

[1914] By the way, grain alcohol is actually 100.

[1915] Someone wrote, Brian D. Morton wrote it's 180 to 200 proof and Jack is 80 proof.

[1916] God damn it!

[1917] 200 proof.

[1918] I don't even know what that means.

[1919] Oh, that hurts my liver.

[1920] Smearing off ice is 5%.

[1921] You just stop and...

[1922] You just said 200 proof.

[1923] Just stop and think about that.

[1924] I don't know.

[1925] I don't know how to comprehend that.

[1926] It's 100 % alcohol.

[1927] God.

[1928] It's like $43 and tip.

[1929] Oh, my God.

[1930] What a fucking explosion in your liver.

[1931] That must be...

[1932] Your whole bloodstream must be like, what the fuck did you just do?

[1933] Yeah.

[1934] We need to get a blood transfuse and just add some more, you know?

[1935] 100 proof is 50 %.

[1936] Moonshine is 100%.

[1937] So that's what someone says.

[1938] So Moonshine is 100%.

[1939] I'm just reading a tweet.

[1940] Wow.

[1941] Yeah, I've heard some ridiculous high percentages of disgusting alcohols, but that's the highest I've ever heard.

[1942] I've never heard anything that high before.

[1943] I drank a shit ton of absinth ones.

[1944] Is 200 proof 100 %?

[1945] Is that what it means?

[1946] What does it mean?

[1947] Yeah, I think 200.

[1948] I think it's always 50%.

[1949] How could you be?

[1950] How does math work?

[1951] Isn't it fun to be a comedian and be fucking ignorant?

[1952] Oh, yeah.

[1953] Fucking, most mathematical things.

[1954] I went to South Africa when I was in high school and Absinth was legal there and it wasn't legal here yet.

[1955] And you hear about the green butterfly and hallucinating.

[1956] And it's awful.

[1957] It tastes like black liquorous.

[1958] Like, it's not good.

[1959] I liked it.

[1960] I didn't.

[1961] Drinking and drinking, drinking it.

[1962] With the sugar of the thing, I just got shit -faced no hallucinations because it's not made with Wormwood anymore, which is what makes you do that.

[1963] You can drink Absinth all day long.

[1964] You will not hallucinate from it.

[1965] Oh, that's interesting.

[1966] Does anybody make it the other way with the wormwood?

[1967] No. Nobody.

[1968] done it's illegal in general it's like poisoning you whoa but anyways you can't like it's just it used to be that way and it's not it's not quite the same as drunk right it's a little I said the way I described it I said it was like a cousin of drunk see I just was I also drink a lot of other stuff I enjoyed it I was I did it in Vancouver with the what made out with like the hot of South African guy whoa yeah did you like his accent it's like your first black guy what if he said something really racist right before he put it in what what if he said something really racist right before you put it in because we didn't have sex They get kind of racist.

[1969] You made out with them, though.

[1970] I made out with them at a club, in a bathroom, and then we got kicked out because I brought them the ladies in the make out.

[1971] You're a dirty bitch.

[1972] It was 21.

[1973] I love it.

[1974] That's what I'm talking about.

[1975] So are you a horny drunk, an angry drunk or a happy drunk?

[1976] Why are you questioning it?

[1977] Why are you putting that angry part out there?

[1978] Tired drunk?

[1979] Red wine drunk is the worst.

[1980] It is.

[1981] It is.

[1982] It's too relaxing.

[1983] My birthday's coming up, and I'm going to do, I want to do like a full -on asshole birthday where you get drunk and wear like a tiny dress.

[1984] get a table right really why do you want to do that because it's my last birthday in my 20s so what so I want to have a party like I'm in my 20s I have a dress that's this big it's actually a sock and I'm going to fit into it and I'm just going to bring a bunch of girls with me can we videotapes can we just let know what bar it is and hide can we videotape and put on the internet sounds like they'll be a good can we smell the dress the following day smell it who are you crying but I get afraid because I never drink I mean I just don't ever have like a chance to go on I'm afraid that I'll have two drinks and be tired and miserable.

[1985] Red Bull Vodons.

[1986] Do you take vitamins?

[1987] Do you take multivitamins and do you eat healthy?

[1988] I eat very healthy.

[1989] Sleep good?

[1990] I love Red Bullock.

[1991] I sleep 13 hours a night.

[1992] Do you really?

[1993] I need three.

[1994] Well, that's awesome.

[1995] I'm a cat.

[1996] That's awesome.

[1997] I have nothing to get up for in the morning.

[1998] That's good though.

[1999] That's good.

[2000] You're well rested.

[2001] But vitamins are important.

[2002] Even in a healthy diet, I believe very strongly in vitamins.

[2003] I've had health issues that were corrected by vitamins.

[2004] Take them every day.

[2005] Trim Tech.

[2006] Take that shit, son.

[2007] That's true.

[2008] tech immune that's the shit for you i've been and i've been even though i eat healthy i've been oh you want take it with yeah it's yours okay i'll give you the all the other stuff too you have a flashlight i don't want you sure you don't want one what am i gonna use that for you could just practice i don't want friends to come over i don't want anyone to come over and see that and see that yeah it could be a novel the item i get yeah it can be what a novel the i am the other day i took a picture of me sitting on my couch and one of my bras was behind me and so it's not like a cute bra it's like one of these like like tan Well, you have rather large brows, so do you have to have special supporting type bras?

[2009] Yeah, do you get a Sears for your bras?

[2010] Sears, I'm not poor.

[2011] You know, you get a -oh, look at the way you said that.

[2012] Oh, my God.

[2013] Did you know Sears is one of the few places you can actually have, like, custom -made brawls?

[2014] If your boobs are too big for a normal thing, they can measure you.

[2015] I don't have, like, freak.

[2016] I don't have, like.

[2017] Well, one of them is.

[2018] Well, yeah.

[2019] What about the one with the teeth?

[2020] No, I mean, you know.

[2021] The one that used to be your twin.

[2022] Ta -a -tada.

[2023] It's just terrible.

[2024] It had a nose.

[2025] It's like a little wishbone in there, and that's a little wishbone and like a tooth.

[2026] And a nose.

[2027] It cries.

[2028] Well, we could take it out, but we might have to remove the entire tit.

[2029] So you know how to choose between this wishbone and tooth -ridden tit.

[2030] Sounds like rappers.

[2031] It sneezes twice in a while.

[2032] Yeah, that's my new group.

[2033] That's my posse.

[2034] This is my boy wishbone.

[2035] And this is bone -ridden tit.

[2036] Anyways, my bra was behind me, and that was embarrassing enough that someone saw that.

[2037] I don't want a flashlight sitting around my house.

[2038] Why is it embarrassing about it?

[2039] Because it's, these are strangers, and I can understand if you deliberately do it, but when someone sees into your home without you knowing, like the fact that they saw that and I hadn't, I wasn't aware of it?

[2040] No, it's an ugly bra also.

[2041] It's not like, oh, that's hot.

[2042] Like, no one's ever looked at like a nude colored bra and been like, oh, is that to minimize under your t -shirt?

[2043] It's like, it's just not hot.

[2044] Yeah, I can see that, I guess, if I was a chick.

[2045] Yeah.

[2046] It's not like kids.

[2047] don't give a fuck.

[2048] Yeah, they do.

[2049] You find sweaty shirts and shit.

[2050] Oh, I thought you meant for looking at bras.

[2051] Oh, but you're coming over a girl's house and finding bras.

[2052] You don't want to see an ugly bra.

[2053] A cute bra is fine.

[2054] Oh, you're out of your mind.

[2055] I don't give a fuck.

[2056] Unless it's grandma.

[2057] Really, grandmally.

[2058] By the time I'll show you a picture of an ugly bra.

[2059] I don't know what kind of guys you're hanging out with, but any guy that gets turned off by a fucking bra laying around.

[2060] Not turned off, but there are more attractive.

[2061] Not that I want to turn.

[2062] I don't.

[2063] Guys don't give a fuck.

[2064] Are you crazy?

[2065] I understand guys don't give a fuck.

[2066] I'm saying if you had a choice.

[2067] different idea of what's good and bad and what's nice and not nice.

[2068] We walked in your house there's a bra on the ground.

[2069] We would laugh.

[2070] No, you would, but, and I understand guys don't care.

[2071] Like, girls are like, oh, doesn't my underwear match?

[2072] He doesn't give a fuck.

[2073] I totally get that.

[2074] I'm just saying, if you had a choice of looking at, like, a really cute, lacy black bra versus, like, grandma's nude, full -covered utility bra, you'd rather see the cute one.

[2075] Well, I guess, but really, we don't give a fuck.

[2076] It's all for you.

[2077] Most guys don't give a shit about lingerie.

[2078] Get that shit off.

[2079] I want to see your body.

[2080] I agree.

[2081] I agree.

[2082] I don't get turned on by, you can pick your dog up because I have a litter box in here.

[2083] Her breath does smell like.

[2084] Yeah, don't have your dog eat my cat's shit.

[2085] That would be the circle of life.

[2086] You're such a strange person, Eliza Slesherjew.

[2087] You're a little animal that you take care of and bring everywhere.

[2088] Yeah.

[2089] His face.

[2090] She can be a mean woman.

[2091] Whoa.

[2092] Yeah, she's got teeth and shit.

[2093] That's not weird.

[2094] She's probably developed to kill rats in the sewer.

[2095] too, right?

[2096] Yeah.

[2097] When I give her toys, she's like, she breaks their neck.

[2098] She's half longer dachshund.

[2099] She's half long hair chihuahua.

[2100] What kind of, what is the first one?

[2101] Half long hair dachshunds.

[2102] And she likes the apples.

[2103] That's a cool mix.

[2104] She likes apples and carrots.

[2105] Didn't they make Dotsons for that very reason to go after things like that's where they like long bodies, a little short legs?

[2106] Just going rat holes or something like, wasn't that like Jack Russell Terriers?

[2107] I know they've read them for that.

[2108] Jack Russell Terries are aggressive little doggies going after squirrels and shit?

[2109] Is Blanche ever bark?

[2110] Is it a Barker?

[2111] She'll bark at like squirrels and stuff.

[2112] She's not a social dog.

[2113] She doesn't care like for other dogs.

[2114] When your dog eats poop, does it make you love her a little bit less?

[2115] She doesn't do it.

[2116] It's disappointing.

[2117] It's like finding out your daughter does.

[2118] It's like getting your car broken into, yeah.

[2119] But she's a good girl.

[2120] I mean, look at that face.

[2121] I know.

[2122] But she eats poop.

[2123] And see, that's what my dog does.

[2124] She doesn't actively eat.

[2125] It's not like she takes it every day.

[2126] Well, she's not going to pass up on it if it's on the buffet.

[2127] You used to have a bit about that, didn't it?

[2128] Yeah.

[2129] It's fucking gross.

[2130] You don't get like this with your pets?

[2131] I do.

[2132] With your daughters?

[2133] Like, do you ever get this, like, aggressive?

[2134] Like, oh, my God.

[2135] With my daughters a little bit, but not really with my pets.

[2136] It would freak my cat out, and my dog's pretty big.

[2137] You don't really want him getting into it.

[2138] No, you don't want him in your face.

[2139] But when you love something, in my act, I talk about how I want to rip her face off, like when you love something so much.

[2140] Really?

[2141] Like, you just want to hurt it?

[2142] Like, not.

[2143] I think that's a girl thing.

[2144] Yeah, that's a girl thing.

[2145] That's why relationships always end.

[2146] Just girls want to bite your face off?

[2147] Yeah.

[2148] They love it so much.

[2149] They want to hurt you.

[2150] When I fucking hurt you, you little freak.

[2151] Seems like that's true, though.

[2152] Like, girls always want to hurt the person they're with and me. Well, you might, it might just be you.

[2153] I mean, how many times fake abortions did I pay for?

[2154] What?

[2155] Listen, powerful people.

[2156] Powerful people, this fucking podcast is over.

[2157] Eliza Schlesinger, if people want to find you, if they want to catch you out there in the wild world, on Twitter, you are.

[2158] Find me on Twitter at I -L -I -Z -A?

[2159] I -L -I -Z -A, and we will tweet this after the show.

[2160] We tweeted it before the show as well.

[2161] I'm tweeting it right now.

[2162] And do you have a website?

[2163] At, oh, it's just Eliza, I -L -I -ZA .com.

[2164] Really?

[2165] How'd you get both of those?

[2166] No one spells their name like me. Oh, that's awesome.

[2167] Yeah.

[2168] Oh, you're so lucky.

[2169] That's so easy to memorize it.

[2170] It is, but no one spells like that, so everyone's like, I tried it with an E, and I couldn't find you.

[2171] Where are you going to be doing your little stand -up comedy routine next?

[2172] I'll be this weekend at the L -O -L comedy club in San Antonio.

[2173] L -O -L comedy club in San Antonio.

[2174] Where's that?

[2175] What part of San Antonio is it?

[2176] It's near the river.

[2177] It's off the 4 -10 loop.

[2178] Oh, okay, cool.

[2179] And so there's two comedy clubs in San Antonio now?

[2180] I don't know.

[2181] I think there was another one, right?

[2182] Wasn't there another one?

[2183] We're probably sure to get punched.

[2184] The fake punch incident, remember?

[2185] Yeah, I don't...

[2186] You remember that?

[2187] They made a fake video without beating him up, and everybody got so excited that he got beat up.

[2188] It was the opposite of what they wanted.

[2189] That's so funny.

[2190] It was really horrible, man. That was the first time, because that was one of the first celebrity things like that where a guy fakes something like he's like dude dude and then he punches him isn't that?

[2191] Yeah yeah the guy gets on stage and the guy's fucking huge and then the video they released it afterwards it's him working it out but the negative comments after the first video like yeah fuck that faggot punch him in the face like the things that hate that he received must have been horrific to know that people feel like that about you there's so many people and that it was so accepted there was no one standing up for him there was no one was going hey man in the army now is one of my favorite all -time movies.

[2192] Fuck you.

[2193] You know, you're the asshole.

[2194] Paul's Joe makes millions of people smile.

[2195] That's that was some...

[2196] That's hardcore.

[2197] That was intense.

[2198] It was intense.

[2199] It was a horrible moment in your life.

[2200] Yeah.

[2201] Texas, they fucking party, though.

[2202] I do love going back to Texas.

[2203] We haven't been in a while.

[2204] I think next gig we're going to do is in Austin.

[2205] I'm trying to work that shit out for the spring.

[2206] You don't play clubs.

[2207] You do like theaters.

[2208] I do clubs and theater.

[2209] See, I've been coming to this one club in Austin for so.

[2210] long.

[2211] It would feel weird if I didn't go back there.

[2212] Yeah, I performed, I did my first DVD there in 1999, so I can't, I just, that's my spot.

[2213] Can I tell you, like a really humbling moment I had at Cap City, aside from when a fan brought a buck knife to meet me, which was uncomfortable.

[2214] Do you have it on his belt so you saw it?

[2215] It was behind him, yeah.

[2216] And he came up, he was like, hey, it was very, like, what did your problem?

[2217] When I called, and I was like, hey, I'm driving over, where can I park?

[2218] And they didn't care that.

[2219] I was the headlander.

[2220] They're like, there was a hobby lobby, across the street across the freeway you can just park over at the hobby lobby I'm like there's no parking from no hobby lobby I'm like I'll just make the hike over you're the headliner yeah that's not even true you know there's a back alley where they always tell us to park right behind not only do they wait for us too but I think we're men we are men it's a difference very weird maybe I should have been more assertive yeah in general I should be more aggressive maybe it was a girl answering the phone maybe she didn't know or maybe it was like a night like a manager that didn't know and I'm not the kind of person to be like Do you know who I am?

[2221] Your dog's going to eat cat shit.

[2222] Come here!

[2223] She's on her way.

[2224] Come here!

[2225] Go get her.

[2226] Come here.

[2227] What we're talking about?

[2228] Cap City.

[2229] That's it.

[2230] You were saying you love Austin and I was saying I'll be in San Antonio.

[2231] Yeah, but you were talking about them not giving you.

[2232] Oh, this is what I was going to say.

[2233] Do you think that that's like a girl, that a girl just didn't want, like she was answering the phone, like fucking female comedian, I think she's going to come in headline.

[2234] Females ain't even even good.

[2235] You know, I don't, because it wasn't even the first night.

[2236] No. think it was so many times we don't realize how a lot of people that have jobs in general you weren't in a comedy club they're not necessarily up to like they don't really know what's going on it could have been that or maybe there was something there might have been something going on where they were doing maintenance and you couldn't park I just it was such an odd thing and I as a girl it's so quick you're so it's so easy to get labeled a mean name right so I just sometimes I'm just very like okay no problem did you hear that um what the fuck is his name again that got fired Eddie Brill who got fired from Letterman?

[2237] What did he say?

[2238] He said, what was it, women, something about how women try to be more like men in their acts and that's why they're not funny or something.

[2239] I, 1 ,000 % think that there's no way he got fired because of that one comment.

[2240] Like, let's get serious.

[2241] I don't know what else he did, but no one stands up for women that much.

[2242] Like, women get raped every day and people can still keep their jobs.

[2243] Probably just a bad poker hand.

[2244] Yeah, but it's different when you're on a show like that.

[2245] Where you're the judge, yeah.

[2246] When you're the one who's, your job is to discern who's capable of being on the show.

[2247] And if you say something so blatantly sexist and so blatantly judgmental, like, he's formed an opinion.

[2248] Yeah.

[2249] And that's one of the reasons why women can't be funny.

[2250] I mean, he didn't even qualify with, you know, there are some women that try to be like men.

[2251] And, you know, it's a balancing act, which it is.

[2252] I think it's more difficult for a woman.

[2253] I think he just saw some shitty comics.

[2254] I'm sorry.

[2255] Like, a lot of them are shitty.

[2256] You're right.

[2257] You're right.

[2258] You're probably just watched those tapes.

[2259] You're right.

[2260] I've never sent in a tape.

[2261] So I was actually upset that his sentence wasn't except for Eliza Schlesinger.

[2262] She's awesome.

[2263] I genuinely thought I would be included in the conversation.

[2264] Were you upset when you hear shit like that?

[2265] Like someone said, do you feel like that that gives you like a ramp that you have to like run up where everybody else has like an even start?

[2266] I got to be honest.

[2267] I feel that my act is just so different than every other girl that I just don't include myself in the same category as most female comics.

[2268] Why is that?

[2269] I just see the audience.

[2270] I see my material.

[2271] I see topics that most women talk about versus what I talk about and the approaches and stuff like that.

[2272] And I just have never viewed women as the competition.

[2273] I think of everyone as a competition.

[2274] But I just don't, I've never seen a girl.

[2275] You really do, though.

[2276] You really do think of people as the competition, which I always thought is fascinating.

[2277] Because I was a very competitive person, but I tried to never look at other comics as competition because I think it's unhealthy.

[2278] I think the way to look at comics is use them for inspiration, be inspired by them.

[2279] but when, you know, it's not like you're playing a game where they can keep you from doing it.

[2280] It's not like you're playing football and they can keep you from getting the ball.

[2281] No, it's not direct competition.

[2282] It's, you know, you're smart about it.

[2283] I don't go online and watch everyone else and go on.

[2284] I don't Google other people.

[2285] It's not like that.

[2286] You don't ever watch other acts?

[2287] At the clubs and stuff.

[2288] And sometimes I'll go on or I'll watch certain ones that I really like, but I don't do it out of being envious.

[2289] And, you know, you keep an ear to it.

[2290] Oh, he auditioned for that, or she did this or that's a showcase you want to get.

[2291] I like going and watching people online because it gives me like a charge.

[2292] get excited.

[2293] If I see somebody good, like if somebody sends me a clip, hey, check this guy out and I go watch and it's really fun.

[2294] I go oh, that's fucking funny.

[2295] I'm going to write.

[2296] Like, I get this like, like, I get charged up, like, whoa, I want to create something cool that does to me or does to someone else the way that did to me. That is the way I felt the first time I saw Dane Cook.

[2297] This is a long time ago.

[2298] This must have been five years ago when I had just started and someone took me the laugh factory.

[2299] And it was like that orgasm.

[2300] It was fucking like no one else had that.

[2301] When did you start with you?

[2302] I must, I agree.

[2303] you were to college in 2005.

[2304] So maybe I started 2006, 2006.

[2305] It's pretty fresh.

[2306] 2005, 2006.

[2307] That's kind of amazing, you know.

[2308] So you won the Last Comic Standing.

[2309] You only been doing it for like, what, four years?

[2310] Three years.

[2311] Three years.

[2312] That's amazing.

[2313] But when I see comedy I like, it makes me happy.

[2314] I never think, oh.

[2315] When did you start headlining on the road?

[2316] Right after Last Comic.

[2317] That is crazy.

[2318] They were like, by the way, you're a headliner now.

[2319] How much time did you have?

[2320] I had 45 minutes.

[2321] Already?

[2322] After three years?

[2323] Because from doing Last Comic, you just start building.

[2324] I'm not saying it was the most.

[2325] solid but when they tell you by the way you have the headline now you have one shot to headline and if you fuck it up they're going to put you at the bottom of the list and a lot of guys did do that right so and I knew that and I was just like I'm not going to give it I'm going to make sure I have it all the people that did really well from last comic it's like you Hefron Ralphie Mae and a couple other people right John Reap John Reap John Reap did really well yeah what is that Rick Ross?

[2326] The rap Ew!

[2327] What?

[2328] He sent you Rick Ross.

[2329] No, it's just like some huge black guy.

[2330] Wow, a big black guy was cock hanging out.

[2331] The big, that is.

[2332] Forward me that, just in case.

[2333] I don't, I might need that.

[2334] And he's uncircumcised.

[2335] That's really gross.

[2336] That's so gross.

[2337] Speaking of uncircised, this podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight.

[2338] You want to give thanks to the Fleshlight.

[2339] Thanks to Elisa Lesterger for being hilarious as always.

[2340] This is really, really fun.

[2341] This is fun.

[2342] This is even better.

[2343] We know each other better than the last time we did it.

[2344] loose and relaxed I think I'm excited to get what you're gonna take me fighting yeah I would totally I'll tell you I'll take you to the gym yeah yeah I'll teach you some moitai I take you to a moitai class learn to kick people's legs it's fun okay it's great exercise too and it gives you like something like it gives you something it gives you a skill but it also gives you like something to do at the gym I'm gonna need something to fall back on when the stand up doesn't work I bet you could be a serious fighter if you want it to be a million dollar very you're very smart and you're very competitive all you have to do is do the right steps you know don't slack off be disciplined don't wear a bra Those are legit too, right?

[2345] They're not like bags of silicone.

[2346] Well, that's good.

[2347] When they actually have chest protectors, they have silicone, these things.

[2348] Yeah, you wear them.

[2349] It's like a hard plastic.

[2350] It's like a bra protector sort of plate.

[2351] Yeah, I don't know how much it helps.

[2352] I mean, I don't know what the science behind it is.

[2353] They've developed some pretty good science for the balls recently.

[2354] They have some new stuff to protect the balls.

[2355] Ball science.

[2356] All our best ball scientists have been hard at work, protecting your junk.

[2357] They've been hard at work.

[2358] hard at work clang trying different combinations of things and hitting big balls and fast balls all right that's the end of this fucking podcast Eliza you're the shit thank you for joining us it's nice to have so many cool friends we're so lucky all of us for real right as comedians we're so lucky to have all these fucking cool friends it's like one of the coolest things about this podcast is this big group of people that we have brought together and Eliza you're in the fold you're in there you're in the fucking mix Thank you.

[2359] Please, thank you.

[2360] All right, thanks to the Flashlight.

[2361] Go to Joe Rogan.

[2362] Click on the link for the fleshlight, enter in the code name Rogan, and you will get 15 % off the number one sex toy for men.

[2363] Oh shit.

[2364] And we were also brought to you by Onit .onit .com.

[2365] On it, the makers of Alphabrain, O -N -N -I -T -com.

[2366] Makers of Al -Brain, the Cognitive Enhancement Supplement.

[2367] Shroom Tech Sport, the endurance and energy supplement for extreme.

[2368] athletic pursuits.

[2369] If you're into kettlebells or cross -fit classes or jiu -jitsu, try out some Shroom Tech sport.

[2370] It is the shit.

[2371] I enjoy it.

[2372] I'd take it before every one of my serious workouts.

[2373] We're also brought to you by ShroomTech Immune.

[2374] There's a bunch of different products on Onet .com.

[2375] Go there, check it out.

[2376] If you go to my website, joe rogan.

[2377] Click on the link for Alpha Brain, entering the code name Rogan, you'll save 10 % off.

[2378] And as always, the first 30 pills, the first size you buy, whatever it is, first order, rather.

[2379] If you don't like it, you get 100 % money back guarantee you don't even have to send it back in all right we love you freaks tomorrow we'll see you soon yeah tomorrow it'll be one of the best shows ever we could ever put together yeah it'll be little esther it'll be joey motherfucking Diaz Duncan Trussell Brian Redband Jason Tebow Jason Tebow and me all the ice house it's only like 15 bucks right Icehouse comedy dot com and Icehouse is by the way run by some of the nicest people the wait staff is cool as fuck the whole place has a great vibe to it it's a really cool old cool comedy club in Pasadena that's been around since like the 1960s I think it's really badass it's one of my favorite places and it's also where we do the ice house chronicles podcast which is while we're doing shows there simultaneously we have a studio and we do podcasts at the same time Eliza slash year you've been on that podcast twice twice once was a scratch the next time and when we do it it's really your kid your dog just went in there go get he's eating shit Jesus Christ anyway um helping you out we're uh whatever on it dot com blah blah blah okay so this thursday night how did they get to it ice house house comedy dot com we also have a show friday without jo rogan but a bunch of other comics so icehouse comedy dot com also friday if you're going to be in Vegas i am going to be with joey dyes and duncan trusel we're doing the house of motherfucking blues at the mandalay bay then the next day it's carlos condit and nick dyes jesus christ the fucking stars of aligned it's going to be crazy it's going to be an awesome epic weekend between two of the best fighters on the planet Earth and two of the three best 170 pounders in the world and this is going to be chaos I can't fucking wait the whole card is nasty the whole card's sick and so that's this weekend Friday night House of Blues tomorrow night Thursday night Pasadena Ice House for all information go follow me on Twitter follow Red Band follow Eliza I -L -I -ZA super easy and anybody else they should follow any friend you want to pull out of Twitter's nice Oh can I say one thing sure text from Bennett the Twitter account that I told you about that's hilarious.

[2380] That is like a billion followers.

[2381] I'm going to show it too.

[2382] Yeah, explain it again.

[2383] It's this guy, there's Mac lethal, and he's this white guy who's got a cousin who thinks he's black, and the guy sends him texts all the time.

[2384] He doesn't know that he has this account, and it's the funniest most ignorant stuff you've ever heard, and he's created this account, but he is a huge fan, and he wanted you to know.

[2385] Oh, please, I'm going there right now.

[2386] Will you send him a tweet?

[2387] I'll show you.

[2388] Fuck yeah.

[2389] What is it?

[2390] Text from what?

[2391] It's like T -X -T -S from Bennett, B -E -N -N -E -T -E.

[2392] All right.

[2393] All right.

[2394] all right that's it sorry page doesn't exist we love you bitches we'll see you soon bye bye