#382 - Greg Fitzsimmons

[0] The Joe Rogan experience.

[1] Train by day, Joe Rogan, podcast by night all day.

[2] Sweet, sweet Greg Fitzsimmons, you beautiful Savage, you.

[3] Always good to see you, my friend.

[4] What a hang this is going to be, baby.

[5] Kicking back, got some Girl Scout cookies and your special coffee.

[6] What's it called?

[7] It's called Bulletproof Coffee.

[8] Oh, man, that goes down smooth.

[9] It's a Dave Asprey creation.

[10] He invented creating coffee with grass -fed butter and MCT.

[11] oil.

[12] It's medium triglyceride oil.

[13] It gives you a caffeine high and it's a lip balm.

[14] Yeah.

[15] It keeps you greasy.

[16] The idea with it is that because it has the caffeine blended in with the butter and the MCT oil, that it's more of a slow release effect.

[17] Right.

[18] It takes your body a while to digest it as opposed to like coffee just go right in your bloodstream.

[19] And you don't get the crash with this as much.

[20] Exactly.

[21] Exactly.

[22] Yeah, that's much less than a crash.

[23] Is that how they do medicinal marijuana stuff is in the butter, right?

[24] Yes, yes.

[25] I do not know.

[26] I've never made anything and never cooked anything.

[27] I don't know the process, but I know there's something involved cooking it to activate the THC in an edible form.

[28] I think, though, that you can get high with it if you just eat, if you just eat it on its own.

[29] Yeah.

[30] But I think you have to eat an assload of it.

[31] I think it's no joke.

[32] Right.

[33] You have to, like, have salads.

[34] Right.

[35] Then maybe you can catch like a little bit of a buzz.

[36] That's the new wheat, man. Yeah.

[37] Cannabis salads.

[38] Did you hear about Sanjay Gupta on CNN?

[39] Fucking incredible.

[40] I mean, first of all, props to CNN for air in this and this guy for coming out with this, this is an incredibly controversial stance.

[41] This guy, Sanjay Gupta, he went and over the last year, he was working on a documentary called Weed.

[42] And even he's, before he started this project, he thought that marijuana was, bad for you.

[43] He thought marijuana was addictive.

[44] He thought that marijuana was, you know, something that should be avoided.

[45] And at the end of this project, he's writing this story apologizing.

[46] He says, I apologize because I didn't look hard enough until now.

[47] I didn't look far enough.

[48] I didn't review papers from smaller labs in other countries doing some remarkable research, and I was too dismissive of the loud chorus of legitimate patients whose symptoms improved on cannabis.

[49] instead I lumped them in with the high visibility maligners just looking to get high I mistakenly believe the drug enforcement agency listed marijuana as a schedule one substance because of sound scientific proof surely they must have quality reasoning as to why marijuana is in the category of the most dangerous drugs that have no accepted medical use and use a high potential for abuse so he wrote this long article I don't want to keep reading it.

[50] And he also admitted he was wrong.

[51] That's the really, as a doctor to go on on camera and say I was wrong.

[52] I wonder, though, this almost makes me wonder.

[53] It almost seems like some sort of a shift in policy.

[54] Because the reality of CNN and MSNBC and Fox News, these are giant companies.

[55] They're huge companies.

[56] They don't just say things.

[57] They don't just say whatever the fuck they want to say.

[58] None of that gets done.

[59] It all goes, it has to go through a bunch of people, and they have to decide, what are we, are we doing this?

[60] Are we going to print this?

[61] Is this going to piss off Ted Turner?

[62] Yeah, who's going to get upset by this?

[63] This is going to cost anybody money?

[64] Are we okay with this?

[65] Should we move in this direction?

[66] And then they print a story like this.

[67] Because I just got to think that something as big as CNN, like they could have said, like, maybe in the 80s if you tried to print the story, they would have been like, bitch, get the fuck out of here.

[68] We're not putting this on the air.

[69] Well, especially because Nancy Reagan had just declared the war on drugs.

[70] Yes, exactly.

[71] The Just Say No era.

[72] That's when you and I started doing comedy.

[73] It was like, what a beautiful, like, kickstart.

[74] Everybody had to their act.

[75] There was always a drug war joke because it was so preposterous.

[76] Kitty Dukakis, drinking, rubbing alcohol and war on drugs.

[77] Nobody remembers that story.

[78] That was when Mike Dukakis was running for president.

[79] He had done it.

[80] He had a couple of blunders, the tank thing.

[81] The tank thing, heard him.

[82] He got in a tank and put, like, a soldier's outfit on and let them take pictures of him.

[83] And everybody was like, what the fuck are you doing?

[84] Because he was the wimpiest human being of it.

[85] He was, like, worse than Ross Perrault.

[86] Yeah.

[87] They wanted to improve his image as a leader.

[88] And so that was the idea.

[89] He looked like, um, he looked like a snail.

[90] Like this little wrinkly neck sticking out.

[91] It was like pale white face.

[92] And he was one of those guys.

[93] He's like, um, Ralph Nader in that he doesn't give a fuck that his suit.

[94] isn't from Brooks Brothers and Well Taylor It's like asshole You're running for president You actually have to take the time To get a decent suit There's the picture Oh my god Look at him Look at that shit Who told you to do that He's got like a full helmet on and shit What does he do now?

[95] I haven't heard anything about him In a long time It's probably a professor It's a good question Oh my God Can you imagine if that was your teacher in school Well he's obviously a brilliant man You know, I think the idea of running for president, it must be so fucking incredibly stressful.

[96] I mean, that you see a woman just completely lose it and start drinking rubbing alcohol.

[97] I mean, she just, she's so, she needs to get tanked up so bad and there's nothing in the house.

[98] She's drinking aftershave.

[99] Betty Ford.

[100] Fuck, man. They were all drunks.

[101] Imagine the pressure of the White House.

[102] Just wrap your head around the pressure.

[103] of making all the decisions of pressure of being the guy everywhere you go of this fucking security everywhere around you bulletproof cars and getting on jets and flying to other countries and you're like the center of the representation of the conflict in the world like fuck not only that people were talking about like those fishermen that go out in Alaska and it's the most dangerous job how about this how about this statistic I looked this up I counted maybe I count of wrong, but I think 10 % of presidents have been killed in office or died in office.

[104] So what other job would have a 10 % chance of you dying in four years?

[105] Not in the life of the job.

[106] God.

[107] So, you know, you got that hanging over your head.

[108] The two best ones ever assassinated.

[109] Right.

[110] Lincoln, Kennedy.

[111] I mean, those are the heroes.

[112] Those are the James Deans of presidents.

[113] Right.

[114] If you look back at, like, who's the who's the bad motherfuckers?

[115] This is the He got killed in office.

[116] Yeah.

[117] That was the ones we miss. Those are the ones that David Death, that was the one.

[118] They were going to do it.

[119] They were going to fix it.

[120] Well, and on the other side, Reagan was that guy, and they tried to kill him.

[121] Well, Reagan, was a totally different animal, you know?

[122] It's interesting how Reagan, like, over time has become, like, something that's much more acceptable to like.

[123] Absolutely.

[124] Well, time always whitewashes.

[125] I mean, Henry Kissinger, the guy is, he can't leave the country because he would be arrested as a war criminal in, I forget how many countries it is, but this motherfucker, Kissinger ordered illegal bombings in Cambodia.

[126] You know, he, I mean, you're talking about genocide.

[127] If you are, if you are flat out bombing, carpet bombing, a population that you're not at war with, that's a fucking war crime.

[128] Oh, my God.

[129] And now, I just saw him on Corolla, not Corolla, Colbert last night.

[130] They did a sketch with Kissinger, and it's like, No, it's not funny.

[131] It's not okay.

[132] He's a fucked up human being.

[133] Wow, I had no idea that he'd done that.

[134] I don't have any knowledge of 1970s politics.

[135] I know almost nothing.

[136] I know like a little bit about the campaign that Hunter Thompson covered for fear and loathing on the campaign trail.

[137] Oh, right.

[138] Which was great.

[139] Yeah.

[140] It's about my extent of my knowledge of 1970s politics.

[141] I've never looked into it that much, unfortunately.

[142] these period is uh i must have been molested because i got nothing on those 10 years well it's we were kids you know we're about the same age yeah 45 47 i'll be 46 soon yeah both are you getting fucked in the ass by a neighbor right you know we blacked it out is that we're saying maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe no i think disco fucked me in the ass so i just blocked out to seven do you did you remember when you were like really young like going to dance clubs and trying to meet girls the palace Revere.

[143] Oh, my God.

[144] Isn't that your place?

[145] Well, it was everybody's place.

[146] If somebody wanted to go somewhere and try to meet a girl.

[147] Yeah.

[148] But those were so ridiculous.

[149] I only went a couple times to those places with my friends.

[150] And I always remember being like, what the fuck are we doing?

[151] Like, this kind of a crazy way to meet human beings of this.

[152] Did you ever try country?

[153] That was even worse, where you'd go like, wait, you're supposed to square dance?

[154] No. Dude, do you remember the time we went to North Carolina?

[155] Yes.

[156] With me at Charlie Goodnight's?

[157] We went next door to that bar.

[158] Yes.

[159] Oh, I know that bar.

[160] There's a bar.

[161] And they are all sing along to a song.

[162] You never fucking heard it in your life.

[163] It's got my dog in the porch and the house.

[164] And they're singing this shit, and they're going all around.

[165] They're dancing together.

[166] Is it that step dancing that they all did together?

[167] It wasn't that.

[168] They did that.

[169] They definitely did that, too.

[170] But this was another thing.

[171] This is just a song that Brian and I had never fucking heard of.

[172] But apparently it sold like 100 million.

[173] albums in the south so we're in the south and this is like it comes on they're like woo it was like i'm like we're in another country like when you're you're going to like a place where they're country fans that is a whole another country that's the people who know who won nascar did you hear dale did it again did you hear he did it again and then there's fucking everybody that lives in that area i mean that's a different part of the world right there's songs that they love that you have never fucking heard of Yeah.

[174] And they'll be like, you ain't heard of Clint Frivin?

[175] No, Clint Frivin sold 14 million albums.

[176] And you're like, what?

[177] Who the fuck is Clint Friven?

[178] You realize like Pearl Jam sold one million.

[179] And they are just as ridiculous as like Uber Goth guys.

[180] Because you know how like Uber Goth guys, they're like wearing like black makeup and, you know, they're like really like completely like posing and this bizarre thing that they're doing.

[181] What are you doing with a fucking cowboy hat shithead?

[182] Yeah.

[183] with a turquoise belt buckle and slippery -ass boots.

[184] Those things are dumb.

[185] What century you living in?

[186] What are you doing here?

[187] And it's like people that maybe they love Halloween and they want to go around all year.

[188] You know, I'm a cowboy.

[189] Got my dog, go on the porch.

[190] What if the music doesn't even sell that well?

[191] It's just that they're so dumb they keep on losing their CDs.

[192] They have to keep on buying them over and over.

[193] Well, look, as far as outfits go, cowboy's a cool -ass outfit.

[194] That's one thing I have to admit.

[195] Like, if you're dressed not by your cowboy, if you're a dude and you got the ball, to rock cowboy boots and a stetson and you're going out but even or not or not you know that is a ballsy move right that's a ballsy look to commit to in the year 2013 I see guys but why not I you know I'm not hating I just want to be clear about that I'm not hating if that's how you like to dress why not why not well look at me I'm almost 50 I dress like a 15 year old always have I dress like I dress like a junior varsity coach I wear fucking junior varsity coach She has sweatpants.

[196] Yeah, you get to a certain point.

[197] You're like, that's what's comfortable.

[198] That's the most comfortable thing.

[199] And then I think about people that you think about the possibilities in your wardrobe.

[200] They are limitless.

[201] A woman could dress up as, you know, Queen Elizabeth every day.

[202] As a guy, yeah, these got, fuck it.

[203] I'm painting my nail, the whole thing.

[204] I'm going to grow one, I'm going to grow my pinky nail really long.

[205] And you just fucking, and it's like, you.

[206] You could blow people away with that shit, but I don't...

[207] It's like the last thought in my head is to even make an impression with my clothing.

[208] I want it to be a zero.

[209] But you should wear a whistle.

[210] That would be funny.

[211] Why not?

[212] Why not?

[213] Why not?

[214] Just wear a whistle.

[215] Are you the coach?

[216] Nope.

[217] Not the coach.

[218] You want to get somebody's attention.

[219] That's great.

[220] Brian, you're buying me a fucking whistle for my birthday.

[221] Can you imagine if dudes just started wearing whistles?

[222] It became the new cross Like a cool whistle I just got a cool whistle on Look it easily could be Like you have a whistle And you're like Hey bambi'll like That could be the thing in clubs Like oh you can see how good he whistles Yeah It could be like a mating thing You know Yes we'd be like birds chirping at each other It's the rape whistle Right That is a rape culture whistle It's the opposite It's the mating hole whistle It's like It's trying to lure people in With the dance of noise If we can make cool noises Like a whistle with our mouths I guess some people probably can.

[223] There's dudes like Michael Wilslow type dudes that can make strange things.

[224] Isn't it funny, though, that that's such a valued skill?

[225] That's pretty good.

[226] You guys are fucking 12 years old.

[227] Look at that.

[228] That's what men do, ladies.

[229] There you go.

[230] That's what men do, if you leave them alone.

[231] Leave them alone long enough.

[232] They fucking sit in front of each other making stupid noises.

[233] And then they buy whistles.

[234] Isn't it funny that, like, Making cool sounds with your mouth is like a valued thing.

[235] Hell yeah.

[236] Yeah.

[237] I mean, that's why like singers are so valued.

[238] When someone is a really good singer, you're like, whoa, you know, it makes you like step back.

[239] Like, Peter Frampton doing that weird, want, want, like that was the biggest fucking thing.

[240] We thought that was the coolest.

[241] And now you look back and you're like, what was that wax paper and a comb?

[242] Well, that was when he had that thing that he put in his mouth.

[243] Yeah.

[244] You remember he put, what was them, what's sort of those things called?

[245] what talk box yeah yeah whatever that thing is that rappers use all the time now the auto tuner yeah like little little Wayne eats through that thing right eats all his food through that thing he uses it all the time but like Peter Frampton when he was doing it I guess it was like was it the 80s or 70s it must be the 79 I'm guessing that's I wish we could play some of that that song do you feel like I do oh my yeah yeah It was one of the first times anybody had ever done that, and people were going nuts.

[246] Yeah.

[247] They were going nuts.

[248] Right.

[249] He was, I just remember, like, when I had a picture of a rock star, just that line he had woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand.

[250] Who's wine?

[251] What's wine?

[252] Where the hell did I done?

[253] That's all we wanted.

[254] We wanted to become that guy who's in a penthouse suite with a wine glass in his hand.

[255] Let's do it again.

[256] Yeah.

[257] Do you?

[258] It's a great song.

[259] Great fucking thing.

[260] That was one song that defined that guy.

[261] If you think of Peter Frampton, that is the song you think of, right away.

[262] Cheap trick.

[263] I want you to want me live at Boudicom.

[264] What's crazy about Peter Frampton is that Peter Frampton was a guy who got famous because of his live shows.

[265] Is that right?

[266] Yeah.

[267] His live show was so fantastic.

[268] He was such a showman that to really appreciate his brilliance, you had to see him rock a crowd.

[269] Right.

[270] And so when he does, do you feel like?

[271] like I do, in front of a crowd.

[272] And he's got 20 ,000 people tuned in to him singing along with him.

[273] Yeah.

[274] It is some fucking magical shit.

[275] And he was one of the first...

[276] He looked 17 while he's doing it.

[277] He was a beautiful man. And because he was, like, one of the first guys to put out, like, a live album like that.

[278] And that was, like, one of his first...

[279] His big success was the live album.

[280] That was really rare.

[281] Usually people got a studio album, and then maybe...

[282] I think Kiss was one of the first guys that said, fuck it.

[283] let's do a live one kiss alive because they knew how to rock a show yeah like their shows were wild but peter frampton that do you feel like i do when he's got full control of that crowd and they're singing along with them that is fucking magic that's a magic moment can you play a little bit of that well he had that jim morrison mystique where he was like you wanted to follow him into this world yeah pre -demap he was a bad motherfucker and he was a he was a rock star in the mysterious days.

[284] It's a completely different world back then.

[285] You know, they didn't have Twitter where they said stupid shit and then had to delete it.

[286] Like, that didn't exist.

[287] These were wild dudes and they had no accountability.

[288] It was like, did you see Almost Famous?

[289] Yes.

[290] That was kind of like that.

[291] I think in the movie, they're supposed to be following the Allman Brothers, but it was kind of a, he said it was a mixture of a few different bands, but it was from that exact time.

[292] That's the Leonard Skinner era.

[293] Right.

[294] I mean, those were wild motherfuckers, man. In my opinion, the greatest guitar solo the world has ever known is Free Bird.

[295] It's Free Bird.

[296] Yes.

[297] Free Bird Live.

[298] Have you ever seen the one?

[299] It's Free Bird Live and they're jamming in front of, it's a football arena.

[300] Right.

[301] So I don't know, what is that?

[302] A hundred thousand people.

[303] Yeah.

[304] And they are dirty white guys from Florida and they're perfect.

[305] Yep.

[306] They're perfect.

[307] Every note is perfect.

[308] every fucking string is hit on the right time the fucking just the magical impact of that music it's just confident it's guys that have played to you like the almond brothers this is the post post death you gotta go and get the early most underrated band by mainstream rock fans Skinnered yeah fuck band people have heard Swedish Home Alabama too many times that's the problem yeah we've heard it so many times you're like oh get this off the air no no no you need to step back and with fresh eyes, listen to Sweet Home Alabama, because that is a fucking beautiful song.

[309] Right.

[310] For a simple man. Beautiful.

[311] Beautiful.

[312] Beautiful.

[313] Beautiful.

[314] Telling your son how to grow up.

[315] And one of my favorite things about Skinner is that they were ugly as fuck.

[316] And almost every song was about getting away from women.

[317] I gotta go.

[318] Every song is they call me the breeze.

[319] Right.

[320] I gotta go.

[321] I see you.

[322] I need to be free.

[323] Right.

[324] I can't change.

[325] Give me three steps to get the fuck out of here.

[326] fucking song was like I gotta get out of here see ya take care right you know and they even made songs about their friends trying to get them to settle down well it was classic blues you know ugly getting away from women yep you know being at the crossroads and a lot of it is about the devil there's just so many knuckleheads that love skinnered yeah that's the problem that's the problem is it you know they died young okay and you have an issue when you have so many knuckleheads like a band you can get delusioned oh well that's for knuckleheads no no no no it's not like the grateful dead like i actually like the grateful dead the grateful dead don't do it for me their fans are uh they they're a buzzkill my cousin followed them around for like years like was a deadhead she yeah she uh she she she she she she her and her boyfriend would like sell food i was just gonna say they always have like a little business that keeps them going yeah and just go from show to show and they were just i guess they were just enjoying that community It must be very strange to be like an outlaw like that, just a rebel from society, going from concert to concert with a little tiny mini -eco system of selling scrambled eggs out of the back of your car, meeting with all these people and all fucking tripping together.

[327] And always trying to get a ticket.

[328] They would have signs up.

[329] I need a miracle.

[330] Oh, wow.

[331] That was the sign that you were a real deadhead, not just some douche.

[332] I need a miracle.

[333] And then they'd get them and, you know, it was just like living from vegan tofu peasant.

[334] just making enough to get that fucking ticket.

[335] It's so weird, but I get it.

[336] I get it.

[337] I get it.

[338] You know what I get?

[339] I get, there's a lot of people doing it, and it looks like fun.

[340] I get that it's like, well, this is like an ecosystem.

[341] This is like a little community that you can link up to.

[342] And these guys actually like it.

[343] Like, you know, it's like everybody's happy, and they're all meet together.

[344] And they perform these four fucking hour shows and everyone's on acid.

[345] The dancing.

[346] I mean, I'm telling you, Springsteen is.

[347] is a fucking experience live.

[348] I heard you too is, but a Grateful Dead concert.

[349] I mean, first of all, you're tripping.

[350] Every single person is dancing.

[351] Not bouncing back and forth, fucking doing the backstroke and looking at the sky.

[352] Like, that is really intense to be surrounded by that for four hours.

[353] So is that what it's all about?

[354] Yeah, it's letting go into this energy.

[355] Is it a show that requires drugs?

[356] Yes.

[357] Yeah.

[358] And is it a show that you don't understand until you do it with drugs?

[359] And then you understand it 100%.

[360] Like, you ever, the worst feeling in the world.

[361] Strong words.

[362] You ever go to a concert?

[363] Like, my wife made me go to fucking Dave Matthews band.

[364] Oh, God, son, that's the ugly one.

[365] And the worst thing.

[366] My wife made me go to is always bad.

[367] But then when you say Dave Matthews, the only thing worse than Dave Matthews is John Meyer.

[368] Oh.

[369] If your wife made you go to a John Meyer.

[370] And she was just like, John Mayer.

[371] Meyer and she was just like just enthralled by him I see John Mayer.

[372] Huh?

[373] I could do John Mayer No, I could do too.

[374] No, I think he's great.

[375] I think he's very talented.

[376] But if your wife is really into going You know what I'm saying?

[377] Like she dragged you there and just stares at him.

[378] Right.

[379] And you're like, I paid for this ticket.

[380] You paid to have your wife close her eyes later and think about him.

[381] You notice she's not clapping because one of her hands slipped down her jeans.

[382] She's just knuckled deep.

[383] Oh, Dave Matthew.

[384] He's so sensitive She's clapping with one hand Yeah, it's just like, it sounds like Someone's stabbing a seal Just It sounds like one of those martial arts movies Where they rip the guy's heart out After killing him She's just fisted herself She's all the way to her elbow Just gritting her teeth And pounded it in there She got the wedding ring off She's just fucking strafing the You can see her rib cage expand as her fist goes up there.

[385] John Meyer, I fucking love you.

[386] Okay, let's go.

[387] Then you realize it's in her asshole?

[388] You thought it was bad?

[389] It's all fucking shit up to her elbow.

[390] You're like, what is this?

[391] What the fuck are you doing?

[392] I thought we were going to see a concert.

[393] She starts licking her arm.

[394] Oh, John, man Oh, John.

[395] Oh, you make me eat my shit.

[396] Meanwhile, that's not the craziest person that ever lived.

[397] Nope.

[398] That's not even close.

[399] Nope.

[400] It's not even close.

[401] If you work in an insane asylum, that's all they do is clean shit up off the walls.

[402] It's all about feces in the mental institutions.

[403] Yeah, what is that?

[404] They say that has something to do with abuse.

[405] I think it's territorial.

[406] Oh, I didn't hear that.

[407] I've heard a lot.

[408] There's a lot of connections between, like, feces abuse.

[409] and sexual abuse.

[410] Right.

[411] Read that, though, online.

[412] Obviously, I'm not a doctor.

[413] I know.

[414] When I think about the 70s and I take a shit, I cry.

[415] When you think about the 70s and you take a shit.

[416] Yeah, because I was molested in the 70s.

[417] And then when I'm taking a shit.

[418] We were just making that joke before, remember?

[419] Yeah, it wasn't that good.

[420] I thought we were banding that.

[421] You thought that would be edited out.

[422] I thought we were figured out a way to move past that.

[423] Do you guys know a band name One Direction?

[424] Oh, no. Yes.

[425] It's a, it's a, a, Kids ban.

[426] Like if Tiger Beat had a cover story, it would be...

[427] Oh, look at these cute little bastards.

[428] Yeah.

[429] But I guess they're staying at the hotel across the street from the comedy store.

[430] There's all these little kids that are just hanging out there late at night, just, like, in groups.

[431] Like, like an Apple product's about to get released at midnight type shit.

[432] Oh, wow.

[433] And they're just mobbed everywhere.

[434] How fucked up is that?

[435] Is these guys, you know, they're trying to make them look like they're 17, but they're probably 25, right?

[436] I think.

[437] Or whatever.

[438] Even if they're 21.

[439] The fans are 11 to 13, 14, and they want to fuck you, or they don't know what they want.

[440] They want to let you do what you want with them.

[441] So I always wonder if these guys are looking for that one older sister who's into it longer than she should be, and she's like 17, 18, and you want to pluck her out.

[442] Because otherwise it's a nightmare.

[443] All these people are screaming for you, and you can't go near them.

[444] Do you think the girls actually want them to do what they want to them?

[445] I think they have no idea what the fuck they want.

[446] I think they want to hug them or something.

[447] You know, like, you're talking about an 11 -year -old.

[448] I don't think, I don't, you know, I think they don't even realize what a guy liking you means, you know.

[449] Yeah, but some of them are dressed like dirty whores.

[450] They're like 13, but they, you know.

[451] Maybe 13.

[452] Yeah.

[453] Then you start kind of figuring it out.

[454] But at 11, how many kids at 11 know what's going on?

[455] What if your wife, though, like, it was the opposite?

[456] What if your wife was in love with, like, Justin Bieber?

[457] like just a huge Bieber fan because there was parents that were hanging out with these kids and they were like all like with the t -shirts on like freaking out awesome.

[458] It was just as creepy.

[459] Yeah, it makes sense.

[460] I mean he's a handsome bastard that Justin Bieber?

[461] It's cute.

[462] Just adorable and he never breaks character.

[463] He's always that fucking positive guy you know but now you hear he's starting to fuck up he was he pissed in a janitor's bucket behind a nightclub I think the pressure that dude must be under must be staggering.

[464] And since he was, what, 12?

[465] Six, yeah.

[466] So he never had a chance to develop in any normal way.

[467] Yeah.

[468] For him, the struggle is going to be so strange.

[469] And you know who gave me some insight into that is Ricky Schroeder?

[470] Ricky Schroeder was famous when he was like six.

[471] Yeah.

[472] He was in like that movie The Champ.

[473] I think he was like six or seven or something like that.

[474] I think he had nominated for an Oscar.

[475] Dude, he fucking deserved it.

[476] He was amazing in that.

[477] but the way he describes it when he did the podcast he talked about he's like that's my world I've never known another world right I've never known a time where I wasn't famous so it's normal to me yeah and I go oh all right like what an interesting way to grow is Justin Bieber about to kick some ass is that what's going on here what is he going who's he going after a reporter a reporter yeah well that seems like could have been handled a little better But there's a lot of big actors to start as child actors.

[478] You know, like Tom Cruise and what's his name, Leonardo DiCaprio.

[479] You know, he was probably 11 when he started.

[480] Yeah.

[481] And I think in a way, maybe you can't stay at the level that Tom Cruise does unless you just were indoctrated into it early.

[482] And it's all you know.

[483] Maybe.

[484] But there's some that seem to have gotten through it.

[485] Like, I don't know.

[486] I've never had a conversation with Jody.

[487] Foster, but she always strikes me as someone who got through it, like, fairly unscathed.

[488] She's a lesbian.

[489] Yeah, is that what it is?

[490] Like, that made it easier?

[491] That's a better transition?

[492] No, I think that being a lesbian makes you, from the lesbians I've known, and I've known some really well, I worked for Ellen DeGeneres for two years, and I think that it makes you an outlier.

[493] You're born into being an outlier.

[494] You're already thinking about things, knowing you don't need people's approval because you're not going to get it categorically, so you stop seeking it.

[495] That's interesting.

[496] You know, because one of the things that I always admire about talking to fun lesbians is how they're very much like guys.

[497] Oh, yeah.

[498] They'll make jokes and they don't give a fuck.

[499] Like Melissa Etheridge, she's like a dude.

[500] And I say that in the nicest way possible, the broadest sense of the compliment.

[501] She was talking about divorce and alimony and stuff like that.

[502] And she goes, hey, you know, look, the bottom line is women are fucking crazy.

[503] She's just talking about getting divorced, and she's talking like a dude.

[504] You know what I mean?

[505] And I don't mean all women are crazy.

[506] Some of them are great.

[507] Don't take this.

[508] But the lesbians are less crazy.

[509] But lesbians are more like dudes.

[510] Right.

[511] Like there's something.

[512] Anybody who doesn't believe that that is a natural part of the, you know, the broad spectrum of sexual attraction is a natural part of life.

[513] It's never met like a badass lesbian.

[514] You know, you never met like a Melissa Etheridge.

[515] If you met a Melissa Etheridge, you'd be like, oh, yeah.

[516] Oh, yeah, that's a lesbian.

[517] We got tons of.

[518] We have so many same -sex parents in my kids' school.

[519] It's crazy.

[520] They have absolutely no concept that two gay people shouldn't be together any more than, like, when they heard about that the Supreme Court overruled that same -sex marriage act, they were like clapping in the back of the car.

[521] They're just like, why would two, like Jeremy's parents, you know, Evan's mother's, like it's just fucking normal.

[522] Yeah, it's, it's, you know, people have this idea somehow or another that there's, there's different teams, that there's a conservative team against the liberal team.

[523] Really what you should look at.

[524] It's the simplest way.

[525] Simplest way is, does it hurt you?

[526] And if it doesn't, support it.

[527] Does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, does it, the, the idea that you would restrict people's behavior that they enjoy, because for some reason, it's distasteful to you, that's just being an asshole.

[528] That's all that is.

[529] You think abortion falls under that category?

[530] Abortion gets tricky because you're dealing with human life, and it's also tricky because it's one of those clear pattern decision things, like if you're a right -wing person, you are pro -life.

[531] If you're a left -wing person, you are, you are.

[532] pro -choice.

[533] It's almost like cut and dry.

[534] Like you have to adopt these opinions to be one side or another.

[535] I think I have no business to tell anybody what they can and can't do with their body.

[536] I have no business.

[537] I'm not a doctor.

[538] I don't know when life begins.

[539] But you look at a couple cells together and then you look at a forming fetus they become very different things as it becomes larger and older.

[540] So then it starts to be, when is it become life?

[541] And I think that's a real question and I don't think it's a left wing question or right wing question to question people aren't asking in a real way exactly it's an honesty question and it's a question that we avoid in this discussion it's you're either if you're left wing person you are pro choice and you want women to be able to do this safely and you want it to be where they don't have to worry about being harassed in the parking lot and if you're a right wing person oftentimes the views the polar opposite that you're taking a human life it's against the body If you're, you know, a Christian especially, there's a lot of people that believe this is a terrible, terrible thing, so terrible that there's the extremists, when you get on their spectrum, the extremists that shoot the fucking abortion doctors.

[542] Which is totally logical to me, and I understand it.

[543] If I believe, if I believe that absolutely that human lives were being taken, it would be the same to me as if I knew that there was a guy that was going to work every day and they were killing people.

[544] Right.

[545] I would kill that person.

[546] I would be within my moral authority, not by the United States law, but I feel the same way if somebody hurt someone in my family, rape or murder, I would get a gun and I would go find up her or I would arrange to have them killed.

[547] And I would feel like that wasn't wrong of me to do that if I was absolutely sure it was them.

[548] Right.

[549] But in terms of when a life begins, you remember Jonathan Katz's joke?

[550] He goes, I believe life begins after the second cup of coffee.

[551] Jonathan Cass was awesome But yeah It's a real question And if you bring it up like that I had a discussion with this guy That I really kind of respected I don't want to say his name But it was the most preposterous discussion On the idea that it's just a seed And that having an abortion is just a seed Like it's not just a seed It's a growing thing Like if you leave it alone It's going to be a person We both know that like we can't play games with this and then he started accusing me being right wing like immediately and i was like okay i'm not i'm not right wing at all but you're saying you're equating it to a seed it's not a seed like a fetus something growing inside your body will be a human a seed does not necessarily become a tree okay you have to fucking plant it you got to water it then it becomes a sapling and then it's on its way and if it gets the moisture then it becomes it becomes a tree but a seed can just sit around for a long time once you have a baby that's started to grow then the ethical process begins the ethical question process when is it a person is it a person a day in when it's two cells or three cells or a hundred cells whatever the fuck it is is it really are you sure like if i just pull that out of there real quick aren't we good yeah the discussion seems to me off it's off point because it it really is like very logically it is the second it becomes two cells and anything in between that and birth is life.

[552] Then the question really is about when is it less of a bad thing?

[553] Is it sooner?

[554] You know, because to me it feels like to say, well, once it has eyes or to say once it starts to delineate limbs, then you start to go like, well, now you're splitting hairs.

[555] I mean, either you are stopping, you know, an entity from fully forming or you're not.

[556] And it doesn't matter how far down the line it is.

[557] And this isn't to say I'm against abortion.

[558] But like I do a joke about it now where I say, you know, women are like first I asked the women who, how many women are pro choice?

[559] They all clap.

[560] How many of you have had abortions?

[561] Nobody claps.

[562] I go, there's the problem with your fucking cause.

[563] How are you going to really fight for a cause?

[564] You won't admit that you actually do.

[565] I said, you should be proud of it.

[566] You should see like, you should see like those silhouettes of the family members.

[567] on the back of your minivan with just an X through one of them and says not a good time.

[568] You did that in San Francisco.

[569] Right.

[570] And it just, to me, it feels like, now that might come off as anti -abortion, but it's not.

[571] It's anti -put -your -head in the sand.

[572] It's like, own it.

[573] If you're going to fucking do it, own it the same way that I would own masturbation if you tried to make it illegal.

[574] I'd be like, fuck you.

[575] I may be ashamed of this, but I'm fighting for my right to have it.

[576] I can see the cover of the article they're writing on Jezebel right now.

[577] Emmy Award winning writer connects masturbation with abortion Look, we're all ashamed ladies We're both cleaning up afterwards Oh God, how dare you This is where women Who are like really militant will get furious You can never fucking have a conversation about it Because the option isn't available to you You're not going to have a fucking body growing Inside of your body And you're not going to be the person who gives birth And my answer would be, I've never dropped seed in a chick without protection, dummy.

[578] How'd you get pregnant?

[579] Oh, how dare you?

[580] How dare you yell at someone so vulnerable and confused?

[581] In the middle of a crisis, you're exploding on a stranger.

[582] I know, you know, meet her with love.

[583] You have to be gentle.

[584] It's hard to do, but sometimes it's what we need to do to fix the world.

[585] You can't, you can ever say, why didn't you just about the past and have it sound good?

[586] Why didn't you just get your shit together?

[587] I'm sorry.

[588] Why didn't you just call me?

[589] Because I was fucking suicidal.

[590] I don't want to talk to anybody.

[591] You're not allowed to say that.

[592] That was dark.

[593] If you say suicidal around people, that's the best way to get the party stopped.

[594] Right.

[595] Everyone's having a good time.

[596] Well, ever since I've been suicidal.

[597] Cricket.

[598] No, no, no, no. Nobody wants to be around somebody who wants to end life on their own terms.

[599] for some reason that's very disturbing to us Yeah Most likely Because if you're looking to kill yourself What do you give a shit if I die too I don't know you're not going to suicide bomb yourself Right Did you watch that show Fuck the Patriot show Patriot Steelers The one on The one the fucking Homeland Homeland Yeah I've seen every episode Fascinating fucking show Fuck yeah And I don't want Spoiler alert, but the suicide vaccine?

[600] Yeah.

[601] Holy shit.

[602] That's an Emmy Award winning performance right there.

[603] Holy shit.

[604] I don't want to say anything more than that.

[605] You're about to watch one of the best actors out there.

[606] Holy shit, what a scene.

[607] I mean, the cast on that show, Mandy Petankan, well, I'd always heard his name, but I thought he was like some theater.

[608] He's not.

[609] He's a fucking well, he's that too.

[610] I know.

[611] But that made me think that he was just like, you know, for last of a better word, like, uh, you know, a homosexual.

[612] Oh, hey, easy over here.

[613] No, which isn't bad.

[614] I just meant I dismissed him as like a cabaret singer.

[615] Oh, I see.

[616] And I didn't realize he was like a brilliant fucking actor.

[617] Yeah, Mandy Patankan's a beast, man. He's a beast.

[618] He was also in, um, uh, the princess bride.

[619] He was a nigga Montoya.

[620] Right, right.

[621] You kill my father, prepare to die.

[622] He was a bad motherfucker.

[623] Mani Patankan's been a bad motherfucker for a long time.

[624] He's a brilliant.

[625] actor and he plays that character it's just a work of art it's a work of art I mean the subtlety in his delivery and the real moments when he actually gets upset the tangible feeling that you have when this really measured guy has to cut loose and get crazy fuck what a show and you know you talk about characters being layered it's like there's so many different things going on with him between his troubled marriage his relationship with Claire Dane which he knows is wrong and yet he believes in her and he's a company man in the end yeah it's there's so many different things going on with him and he plays all of them at the same time yeah it's so it's so hard to believe that i mean and again spoiler i'm not going to say anything but it's so hard to believe the plot lines they've pulled off like the idea that they put forth that they're actually playing that out and then i'm not running away from the tv going get the fuck out of here like they haven't had me go get the fuck out of here once well i i i i've i I felt 24 was like that.

[626] 24, you had to suspend your disbelief a little bit more because it was a little bit more of action.

[627] It was physical action more.

[628] But it was the same kind of storylines, shit that you would really go like...

[629] And that's why I love that genre.

[630] I love born supremacy.

[631] I like it when you got to go like, yeah, they're not riding a motorcycle across the roof.

[632] But fuck, man, this is great.

[633] It's fun to watch.

[634] Yeah.

[635] I mean, even if it's preposterous, the born identity one, what's the latest one?

[636] I don't know.

[637] The latest one is the not, it's the one that's not Matt Damon.

[638] It's the other guy.

[639] Oh, I didn't see that one.

[640] It's the new guy.

[641] Jeremy Renner?

[642] Jeremy Renner.

[643] Yeah, that's his name.

[644] And he's like jumping off top of buildings and landing on people's necks, twisted them on the way down.

[645] I mean, it's the most ridiculous shit of all time.

[646] He's like this, he's like the greatest Olympic athlete the world has ever known.

[647] This new guy.

[648] Yes, yes.

[649] The thing he can do in the movie.

[650] Is it like hardcore kind of stuff?

[651] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[652] He does whatever.

[653] He flies through the air.

[654] He lands.

[655] I mean, it's like, it's like, it's.

[656] Preposterous, like the way he can move his body.

[657] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[658] He's on, he's the hyper -level version of it.

[659] They kicked it up a couple of hours.

[660] So it's more like Bond?

[661] No, no, he's more like a superhero.

[662] Yeah.

[663] Like what he can do with his body is ridiculous.

[664] He literally could jump off buildings and land on people's heads.

[665] Catch himself and buildings on the way down, drop on their head and snap them and fucking flip on.

[666] Do a flip over a speeding Ferrari that's coming at him.

[667] Duck under this arm, grab that gun, turn it towards him.

[668] Doom, don't, don't.

[669] Kill everybody in front of them.

[670] Flip over him.

[671] When the car's coming out of him, I mean, it's just.

[672] And always, like, you know, have your leg broken and in the next scene, chase somebody down.

[673] That's always my favorite.

[674] I'm always keeping track of how injured.

[675] Because at my age, like, I get injured, just getting up, taking a shit, I can get injured.

[676] And I'm watching this guy, you know, finger must be broken from that.

[677] I got gouged out from that.

[678] And he's still at the top of his game in the last scene.

[679] Yeah, they heal well in those shows.

[680] They always get that streak of blood that comes off the eyebrow.

[681] That's a big one.

[682] You know what the key is, is the acting.

[683] I mean, Matt Damon is just a guy.

[684] He can do comedy, drama, romance.

[685] He's fucking unbelievable.

[686] He's a beast.

[687] And so you put him into a role like that, and he raises the stakes of you believing in it.

[688] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[689] Well, he was so good that he played Liberace's lover, and you believe that.

[690] Oh, God.

[691] You know?

[692] Yeah.

[693] Matt Damon's a bad motherfucker.

[694] And this Elysius, is that what it's called?

[695] The new futuristic movie, Elysium?

[696] Elysium.

[697] Elysium.

[698] Elysium.

[699] That looks awesome.

[700] Yeah.

[701] I don't know what that is.

[702] I don't know if it's good, but it looks amazing.

[703] Well, he's one of those few actors where, you know, some of these guys get paid $20, $25 million a picture, and you think that's not worth it.

[704] There's very few people that I will go see.

[705] Like, fucking don't need to read a review of the movie.

[706] Don't care who the director is.

[707] Matt Damon's in it.

[708] I will go see it.

[709] Yeah, he always makes a good choice.

[710] Right.

[711] The movies are always, there's always something really good about the movie.

[712] Yeah.

[713] What was the one movie where he played a complete total liar?

[714] Oh, about, he was flying around a lot.

[715] lot, right?

[716] The curious life of...

[717] Oh, right.

[718] What the fuck was that?

[719] Oh, God damn it.

[720] Now I got to go to his...

[721] Yeah, that...

[722] IMDB, which I never liked to do.

[723] That was badass.

[724] I went to your IMDB, man. I'm really not impressed.

[725] Who's?

[726] That's what people like to say.

[727] Oh, right.

[728] That's like a...

[729] That's a Hollywood douche thing.

[730] Yeah, I've been to your IMDB, bro.

[731] Not only that, IMDB has a star ranking.

[732] Here is the most grotesque Hollywood sign.

[733] You can pay extra.

[734] You pay an extra 10, a month for IMDB Pro, and I can look up Joe Rogan, and you will be numbered from one to like 10 million in Hollywood based on the amount of searches for your name, you know, time spent on your website.

[735] It's all factored in, and you get a run, like usually, you know, like Matt Damon might be number three, and I might be like number 46 ,000 or something.

[736] Right.

[737] So I know this 46 ,000 people higher up in the food chain.

[738] in Hollywood than I am.

[739] And you can look up any, you have a meeting with somebody, you can look up what their fucking ranking is in Hollywood.

[740] That's so ridiculous.

[741] That's just something that people would get caught up in and then it would wind up becoming really gross.

[742] You'd just get caught up in it and lose your fucking marbles.

[743] Hire a marketing team to search you so you go up in the rankings.

[744] I need to get my public internet profile higher in the rankings.

[745] It's very important.

[746] I can't find the name of this fucking movie.

[747] But so crazy is like with Twitter, there's times where I go through tweets, I stumble on something that makes me laugh and I'll write out like five, six, seven tweets in 20 minutes.

[748] Right.

[749] And then I won't tweet for like five days.

[750] And then I'll see like the number of people that follows you will jump when you write tweets and then it doesn't at all when you don't.

[751] So you realize like you really, it's great that people are, they really are reading that shit.

[752] Oh yeah man if you're if you're interesting to follow like people send you interesting things as well like one of the beautiful things about Twitter is that it's like an exchange yeah like I retweet a lot of shit and I retweet things that people send me that's that are interesting like someone'll send me some crazy story about some new scientific discovery and then I'll immediately retweet that and so it encourages people to do that because they like being retweeted because they get more followers that way and if you have cool shit on your tweet your Twitter page like people who have you know no show business connections at all.

[753] They just have developed a following.

[754] Have, like, significant numbers of Twitter followers just based on their own input on things.

[755] Yeah, someone finds out about it, or you tweet something to someone famous and they retweet it.

[756] Someone finds out about it.

[757] And then before you know it, you have, like, this little community that you've developed.

[758] Well, writers on TV are getting jobs from Twitter feeds more than SpecScript.

[759] That's amazing.

[760] You hear about it all the time.

[761] This dude, you know, he went to...

[762] you know, Colorado State University and he just used to tweet a lot and then he, he just gets fucking, they solicit him.

[763] You know, a guy will have 200 ,000 followers and they'll say, do you want to write on how I met your mother?

[764] And the guy does it and then he kills himself.

[765] That's amazing.

[766] Can you imagine writing on how I met your mom or one of those shows?

[767] Sitting in a room with 12 other people fighting to get one line into a horrible script.

[768] But folks don't know.

[769] You know, everyone's like, yeah, it must be really fucking hard.

[770] Working on TV must be terrible.

[771] Excuse me while I go to the coal mine.

[772] Right.

[773] That's obviously worse.

[774] Right.

[775] But it doesn't take away from the fact that being on a show that sucks is torture.

[776] Well, and I only say that because as comedians, we get to say whatever the fuck we want.

[777] We can get immediate feedback.

[778] Nobody's giving us notes or criticism.

[779] And then you take that and you go into a – you have an office.

[780] and then some PA will come by and go, okay, everybody in the writer's room and you have to stand up and walk in and sit down and stay in there for the four hours until they go, okay, you guys can have lunch.

[781] It's just your whole life turns upside down.

[782] Yeah.

[783] And again, this isn't to complain about it.

[784] I'm just saying compared to stand -up.

[785] Yeah.

[786] Oh, yeah.

[787] Stand -up is the greatest job the world has ever known.

[788] An hour and night.

[789] Yeah, and just writing during the day and usually it's fun.

[790] Even the stuff You're like, God, I got to write When you start writing and it clicks That's a fun feeling Right It's really fun And the excitement of then knowing Like you're driving to the club And you got like three pages A new shit Yeah, you got like a little balm That you know you can drop That's a great feeling It's so fun And you're It's also People love that feeling I love that feeling Of laughing at someone Like I'm still a huge fan of stand -up Like one of my favorite things to do is to go watch stand -up That's one of the reason why it was really fun Those dates that you and I did together I got to watch you and laugh And I hadn't seen a lot of your stuff in a while It was really fun Yeah, yeah, that was great Standup is just a, it's a beautiful exchange I was just the Montreal Comedy Festival I saw, because all these dudes that I'd heard about And hadn't seen for whatever, because you know, we're on the road At the same time But you know Kyle Canane Yeah, I don't know him, I know who he is Same thing, I hadn't seen him And he was fucking great Like a Stanhope kind of guy just you know a boozer who talks really honestly about the darkness of his life but has the chops of a real stand -up yeah I saw him do I've seen him do one set and it was at the improv and it was very funny yeah but it was a long time ago it was several years ago that's hard for him to remember his Twitter avatar is my cat it's your cat what do you mean?

[791] Oh that's funny I mean the photo the drawing or your actual cat it's like him holding techie oh that's hilarious well it's tough to beat a cute cat And then I went and I did a Something appealing to look at You know they have that gala where you got to go and perform for like 3 ,000 people And they show it around the world Oh yeah I never did that And Dane Cook was like they have a host for it You know a celebrity host And Dane Cook was the host when I was doing the you know Right And usually you draw old people Because it's like a 7 o 'clock show in Montreal It's like an old Jewish town Yeah And I have fucking choked on my own semen in front of these crowds.

[792] And this time it was like Dane's fans and they were young and fucking excited.

[793] He went out and killed first and it was all Boston guys.

[794] It was Bobby Kelly, me, Gary Gullman, Dane, Owen Alonzo Bowden, and Harlan Williams.

[795] Everybody had a great time.

[796] It was such a fucking relief.

[797] Oh, that's cool.

[798] Well, you know, I think that whole old people thing, that's from a different era.

[799] I've been hearing that the comedy festivals have skewed younger and younger these days.

[800] No, just this one particular show, the gala.

[801] It was just because of Dane?

[802] Because it's a TV taping.

[803] No, no, I'm saying they do like seven gals during the week and each night they do one.

[804] So the one I was on had a much younger crowd than the other ones during the week.

[805] Oh, so they did have ones with a lot of older folks.

[806] Because it's a taped TV show so they buy the tickets way in advance.

[807] Oh, see, because I always felt like the people that had been going to the comedy festival were sort of, there was a lot of like when we started going, the first time I went I think was 93, and there was still that push to be TV clean.

[808] Right.

[809] And they were also, like the gala was only TV clean.

[810] So I never got to work it.

[811] So I but from what I would think now is that you see all these clips from the thing and then it's on the internet and then stand -up comedy becomes like more and more popular, which I think stand -up comedy is probably at one of its more popular times.

[812] If you stop in think about like how many really good comedians there are right now it's unbelievable that's it blew me away in montreal i was like there's a hundred comics here and they're all fucking good yeah and i would think that it would be a lot of young people that would show up now to these things i think the other ones like i did moon tower which is in austin texas back in like april or may and that was very young and then you got south by southwest i mean cochella does a comedy stage bumbershoot in seattle chicago has a big one um san francisco has a sketch fest You know, there's a million of them It's hilarious that some of them don't pay the artists They literally No, Montreal pays Don't pay, yeah, Montreal pays They've always paid They paid back in 1993 when I first started doing it Right But like South by Southwest doesn't give you anything Now and the only reason I did Moon Tower is I was headlining Cap City in Austin that week So I was making my headliner money And I was part of the festival at the same time Did you do shows before or after your shows at Cap City?

[813] I know I would do you know 8 o 'clock show Thursday two Friday two Saturday but then but then after my shows I would go do like midnight shows but then also the people at the festival with the you know the customers they would they would have a laminate and they'd go see my show maybe and then they'd see Possein show after that it was part of the whole thing wow that's awesome man sounds like a good time you should do it because they do some theater shows and it is a fucking cool vibe Like Stanhope was there, hung out, was Stan?

[814] No, I'm thinking Tom Rhodes was there.

[815] Like, guys, I never fucking see.

[816] Right.

[817] And the crowds are, I mean, you work, Austin.

[818] They're the greatest crowds.

[819] Yeah, I was just there, I guess I was there like five or six months ago.

[820] You got to do Moon Tower.

[821] I'll do it if I can.

[822] I don't know.

[823] I'm so fucking busy these days.

[824] Yeah, but this one is, this is a rejuvenative week where you just, you chill, you walk away, you've seen some good new comedy, reconnected with some friends, done some good shows.

[825] So like a comedian, a meeting hub.

[826] Right.

[827] Yeah, that's what Montreal always felt, like that bar, the Delta, is that what it's called?

[828] Yeah, that bar, that's right.

[829] Yeah, that bar has always been, you know.

[830] It can be landmines, though, because you never know when you're going to run into that one shitty club owner who's going to be in your face.

[831] Or gay comedian who's drunk and ruthlessly aggressively pursuing you.

[832] He's the only time I've ever at a hotel.

[833] No, Dom can kiss me anytime once.

[834] I don't let him penetrate, but if she wants to kiss me and jerk off, I love him.

[835] I'm playing pool with Dom on Sunday.

[836] I'm looking forward to it.

[837] I love seeing him.

[838] He's awesome.

[839] He's somebody I always see at the clubs, too.

[840] Like, I'll be at the improv at one in the morning he walks in.

[841] Yeah, Dom's legit to the end.

[842] He's a legit stand -up comedian.

[843] Always working.

[844] Always has a notebook with him.

[845] Always got new shit.

[846] You know, he's just awesome.

[847] And he's got that energy before he goes on, just the way good comics do.

[848] Still, not nervous, but jazzed up, hyperphobic.

[849] He loves it.

[850] And he's always loved it.

[851] We've been friends.

[852] Dom and I've been friends since 93.

[853] I met him in 93 when I did the festival in Montreal.

[854] And then we became friends after we ran into each other at Amsterdam Billiards.

[855] Oh, yeah?

[856] Yeah.

[857] Because I had just done that show with him, but that was the first time I'd ever met him.

[858] And he's the host of it.

[859] It was a showtime thing.

[860] And then when we went to play at Amsterdam, I found out he can play pool.

[861] David Brenner's Club.

[862] Yeah, and the old one.

[863] Remember the old one that was on the Upper West Side?

[864] That one.

[865] one was awesome.

[866] So I've been friends with Dom since, I guess it was like 93.

[867] He's always been that way.

[868] It's always been like a real comic.

[869] And he's like the Don Gavin of L .A. He will talk to any young comic, be funny with them, bust their balls.

[870] Yeah.

[871] And treats you with, he says nice things to you.

[872] You don't get enough of that.

[873] He's a beautiful.

[874] He'll compliment you if you do a new bit that he likes.

[875] He's a beautiful person.

[876] I love Don Marrera with all my heart.

[877] He's beautiful.

[878] I love being around him.

[879] He's fucking hilarious.

[880] He goes.

[881] It's a sweet, warm guy.

[882] I saw him say the other night.

[883] He goes, I'm at the age where if I died of natural causes, people go, mm -hmm.

[884] Another one he said?

[885] He said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out in the closet.

[886] That's how little I give a fuck.

[887] I'm bored.

[888] I need something fun to do.

[889] You know, he really does not care what people think about him.

[890] He's happy with who he is.

[891] He's not struggling with that.

[892] But yet.

[893] Plus he's on Xanax, so he's like, whatever, I don't give a fuck.

[894] Well, I knew he quit drinking for a little while.

[895] I don't know if he lasted.

[896] Well, he got a little out of the, he was a little out of control, just slightly.

[897] But he's smart enough to, like, pull back on his own.

[898] And then he resumed casual drinking.

[899] Right.

[900] But I think, look, it's easy.

[901] You're a single guy.

[902] You're in clubs every night.

[903] And he's in clubs almost every night.

[904] It's easy to start drinking a lot.

[905] It's fun.

[906] Hell yeah.

[907] It's fun.

[908] You're having a good time.

[909] Then you have a couple of shots.

[910] Now you're having a great time.

[911] Woo -hoo!

[912] But, you know, the crushing effect that it has on your body over and over and over again.

[913] It's really bad for you, man. Right.

[914] I miss drinking, man. Fuck.

[915] I just had my family stay with me for a week.

[916] My sister, her husband, who drinks, and my niece and nephew and my mother, all staying in my house and my wife, and to nine of us.

[917] Oh, crime.

[918] But you know what?

[919] And I miss drinking because they would all drink a lot at night.

[920] They'd go through bottles and bottles of wine.

[921] and my brother -in -law I'll go through a couple six -pack Budweiser day and so you start to really feel it like even my wife who doesn't drink a lot was drinking every day so I'm all alone I'm drinking non -alcoholic beers and I'm playing fucking PlayStation with my kids because I can't relate to people get people get fucking dumb and boring when they drink I'm sorry it's nice at first but if you're the sober one everybody gets emphatic about their point of view and overly zeal us about simple thoughts and you just start to feel yourself squeezed out you start to feel like people are looking at you like you're the uptight guy and you can't have a good time and so I want to go counterpoint on what you just said unless everyone drinks the Kool -Aid it's not fun well it depends on who you're drinking with if you're drinking with idiots you're going to have that problem talking about my family I'm talking about your family I'm calling an idiot I'm calling mine too you called my wife an idiot everyone's an idiot I'm an idiot too I'm an idiot too you're an idiot as well it's all in the level of idiot right and with a certain level of idiot when they get drunk it becomes really boring because it becomes oh you're not really good at this oh I see what we're doing so we're gonna do here is we're gonna play a game that you suck at it's like two fat guys playing basketball neither one of them have any experience they're going to be bouncing around looking stupid and for a person that can communicate well and is sober it's a real problem it's a bummer it's you're dragging me into the because you want to say to them look at the top of your game i struggle to find you interesting now you're drunk but then counterpoint is some people are cool as fuck when they're drunk yeah some people are fun to talk to when they're drunk they tell you hilarious stories and they flow good it just loosens them up enough so they can catch a wave yeah you don't judge yourself as much so the real you can come out yeah you can catch a wave and if you can catch like one of those social waves it can be really fun and then you got to maintain that wave correctly.

[922] Correctly.

[923] You have to know, don't underfeed it, don't overfeed it.

[924] Yeah.

[925] It's a tricky thing, man. Drinking correctly is like something someone should teach you.

[926] Yeah, I really envy you because you seem to really enjoy it when I see you do it.

[927] But yet you don't have to do it all the time.

[928] That must be so nice.

[929] Yeah.

[930] And I recognize that it's most likely a genetic thing.

[931] Most of my friends...

[932] My father died at 53.

[933] He was an alcoholic.

[934] Three out of four of my grandparents, all my aunts and uncles.

[935] And there's so much evidence as far as like American Indians who didn't have an exposure to alcohol.

[936] Well, and it's also their livers and Irish livers process alcohol better.

[937] Yeah.

[938] Well, because they have a long history of use.

[939] Yeah.

[940] I think what happened with the Native Americans is they weren't drinking as much alcohol and not nearly as much as the Westerners that came here.

[941] So when they introduced it to them, this is like a drug they had no social experience with, which is always a big one.

[942] You know, So, I mean, it's like, remember when you were a teenager the first time you got drunk, how terrible you were at it?

[943] Right.

[944] It takes a long time to know where your tolerances are, how to do it, how not to be a sloppy bitch.

[945] It takes a while.

[946] The shots in general are not a good idea.

[947] Yeah, and when you just go straight to hard liquor and you're 30, and you've been eating fucking deer that you chased down and killed.

[948] Right.

[949] And then all of a sudden you're just drowning in whiskey.

[950] Yeah.

[951] And you have no experience, no cultural experience to fall back on.

[952] Oh, Grandpa told me what this was about when you get drunk.

[953] What you've got to do is start off slow, boy.

[954] Make sure you got food in your stomach.

[955] That's going to fill.

[956] There's none of that going on.

[957] No one even knows what the fuck it is.

[958] Yeah.

[959] And then the white man forces it on them because they realize how pliant they become when they're drunk.

[960] Yeah.

[961] So it was like, we'll pay you in whiskey and then sign this fucking treaty.

[962] Yeah.

[963] Give me New York for a nickel.

[964] Yeah.

[965] A lot of bad real estate deals were done drunk.

[966] Whether it's at a high class hotel and, you know, Donald Trump just fucking sauce you up.

[967] Or you're an Indian.

[968] Well, how much did they pay for Alaska?

[969] Was that a good deal?

[970] Where'd they buy it from the Russians?

[971] I believe they bought it from the Russians.

[972] The Russians is like, listen, we got more than we can handle.

[973] You want to take that spot?

[974] Right.

[975] Go ahead, take that spot.

[976] When you look at a map, it's one of the most ridiculous ideas ever, that that somehow another is a part of America.

[977] No, second most ridiculous idea.

[978] Hawaii.

[979] Yeah, Hawaii's pretty ridiculous.

[980] Somebody told me there's like 100 countries closer to Hawaii than the United States.

[981] And we treat it like, and somehow like, I don't.

[982] know the history.

[983] I mean, it's almost like we saw it, and we went, uh, yeah, we're going to take that.

[984] And you guys, you guys can be citizens, you can vote, you can come here.

[985] Meanwhile, we got Mexico lined up against the border.

[986] We're like, you can't fucking come here.

[987] Yeah.

[988] But Hawaiians, come on.

[989] Well, Mexico is way bigger.

[990] Hawaii's, it's just a few little tiny islands and people seem nice and they know how to cook a pig in the ground.

[991] Let's just fucking work this out.

[992] That's what the missiles are.

[993] Have you seen the feet on their women?

[994] The feet?

[995] Oh, beautiful little feet.

[996] Yeah, and they do that hula dance.

[997] Whoa.

[998] Are you hula dance?

[999] Is that what they call it?

[1000] Yeah, isn't it?

[1001] I was there.

[1002] The skirts?

[1003] The grass skirts?

[1004] My wife took me to Luao when we were in Hawaii, and I fucking, I hate anything commercial and touristy, especially when you're in Hawaii and you're hiking in the rainforest and fucking serving.

[1005] And she's like, we're going to a luau, so I was pissed, so I smoked a joint.

[1006] And not even a joint.

[1007] I smoked a couple heads.

[1008] You know me. Yeah.

[1009] And then I just fucking.

[1010] sat in the front row of the luau, and their feet, the women's feet were like three feet in front of me. You know, they're kind of like rolling on the toes and moving around on them.

[1011] Did you get hard?

[1012] Did you get hard?

[1013] Yeah.

[1014] Just by looking at the feet.

[1015] You don't like nice feet?

[1016] I do.

[1017] Yeah, absolutely.

[1018] I feel you.

[1019] I hear you coming from.

[1020] It's a weird thing that, like, we value that.

[1021] Like, what is that genetically?

[1022] Is it what is that, you know, a sense of...

[1023] I think to me it's that they're hidden.

[1024] People wear shoes.

[1025] So it's almost like nudity to me Like I'm not supposed to see your little toes And they move around like fingers But they're weird because you hide them most of the time They're fingers that you hide inside leather They're creepy Right I got a massage yesterday And I had my head in the little donut thing And I was looking down and this Asian woman She was barefoot and she had I'm sorry but Asian feet are better White women's feet are all fucked up They're like the you know One toe is like an inch longer than the other one Would you jerk off to this?

[1026] Yes right Yeah.

[1027] Oh, for sure.

[1028] You know, what's really sad to me is when women get that thing where their toes start pointing towards the big toes, starts pointing left or right towards the other toes.

[1029] A hammer toe?

[1030] Yeah.

[1031] From jamming their feet into shoes that just smush them.

[1032] Well, it's genetic also.

[1033] Is it really?

[1034] Yeah, yeah.

[1035] Oh, so you can get it without those shoes?

[1036] Right.

[1037] It's just a bone that grows out and it's like bone tissue.

[1038] So the same thing or it can happen both ways?

[1039] So either you can get it naturally.

[1040] or you can get it from shoes.

[1041] I know you can get it naturally.

[1042] Because I've seen it running families.

[1043] Is it a myth that you get it from shoes?

[1044] I think it's all natural because I have, I think some people have like that ridiculous small toe, like the retarded toe.

[1045] Oh, on the pinky that goes over?

[1046] Like it barely has a nail.

[1047] Yeah, it has a barely has a nail.

[1048] It's like taking the right turn.

[1049] Right.

[1050] Oh, and it's stacked on the one next to it?

[1051] Yeah, it's stacked.

[1052] I always see people like that and I'm like, why are you wearing flip flaps?

[1053] Your toe is all fucked up.

[1054] Put some shoes on.

[1055] I saw this one lady at the beach.

[1056] She was this old lady.

[1057] And she had, it was like it was a sketch in an in -living color movie.

[1058] You know, like her toes were so fucked up.

[1059] Like they were going over each other and crossing fingers.

[1060] I mean, I had never seen anything like it.

[1061] It was like a picket fence that got hit with a missile.

[1062] I mean, the whole thing was just, it was all just collapsed over itself.

[1063] And I was like, this is the most, it was like she was throwing gang signs with her feet.

[1064] It was one of the most ridiculous things I had ever seen in my life.

[1065] Like, and she's wearing flip -flops.

[1066] Yeah.

[1067] I mean, her, her, they were tangles.

[1068] And it is true.

[1069] I think you've got to earn a pair of flip -flops.

[1070] You've got to, uh, you got to really take a good look at your feet.

[1071] Like an Asian foot, the toes are, there's a perfect arc. It's like a 33 degree curvature from the big toe to the pinky.

[1072] The pinky is well laid out with a full nail.

[1073] There's, um, there's no fucking discoloration of the nails themselves.

[1074] A thin ankle.

[1075] And then you get, on a real, on a good side.

[1076] southeastern Asian you get like a brownish tanish on the top and then on the sides it becomes very light like almost like a nilla vanilla wafer and uh is that from the lack of the will to live hey we have a we have we're wrong it's a running in napal it's a bunyan bunyan is that hammer toe is when girls the very end of their um their digit they protrude they kind of bulge up right that is from shoes.

[1077] That's a hammer toe.

[1078] That's a different thing.

[1079] And a bunion is when the big toe has a curve on the side?

[1080] Yeah, the toe takes a turn towards the other toes.

[1081] The big toe hooks right or left.

[1082] And it gets worse with age.

[1083] There's actually disagreement among medical professionals about the cause of bunions.

[1084] Some see them as primarily caused by long -term use of shoes, particularly tight -fitting shoes with pointed toes, while other believe the problem stems from genetic factors that are exacerbated by shoe use.

[1085] Hmm.

[1086] Yeah.

[1087] You know, it could be very possibly.

[1088] I would tend to think that it might be shoes because I think it's way more on women than I see it on men.

[1089] I cannot believe women put on those stiletto type shoes.

[1090] I mean, I like it, but I look at them and I go, man, what a price to pay.

[1091] Like, even when I'm out of the club all night, my feet are fucking tired.

[1092] I'm wearing sneakers.

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] And then to think that you're perched up on this thing that your toes are jammed into.

[1095] you're at a 45 -degree angle.

[1096] It's just, it's really archaic to me. It's crazy.

[1097] Brian, what was that last one?

[1098] That woman had, like, fingers for toes.

[1099] Pull that video back again.

[1100] That was ridiculous.

[1101] That's how ADD is.

[1102] And then black women, black women grow there.

[1103] He showed three seconds ago, he's like, can't find it, boss.

[1104] I'm looking at some of those things.

[1105] Can't do it, man. Black women tend to grow, there we go.

[1106] Ew, what the fuck, man. Listen, I don't want to see this shit.

[1107] Some guys are into like, I don't want to see some dudes.

[1108] She just came from.

[1109] the gym or like they walk in dirt and then the guys lick them yeah some they like that hey come on Brian for real I don't want to see this but the um black women tend to grow the big toe nail longer which bothers me it's sexy do you like that in case they want to snort some coke off the big toe they want to let you know they're ready to party yo baby you want a toe blast have you ever seen the photo where a woman an african -american woman has uh gigantic toenails all of them and it says ghettos If you You never see that Look up Gettos T -O -E -S Wait, no, no That's not what we're looking at Look, there's images Do a Google image search He's just trying to sneak in Dude's sucking on toes He's such a creep But Duncan Charles Said the funniest fucking thing the other day He was joking around About someone Who was attractive But was mean And was saying Something stupid on Fox News And he was like He goes Stop talking and just put your feet in my mouth I'm telling you something and I started crying laughing on the phone it was the creepiest thing to say look at that ghettos that's ghettos that's ghettos oh damn okay can imagine her just walking like on a wooden floor just the sound of her nails hitting it I could it'd be hot knowing she's about foot fetish is going to take off and I believe it started with me I've been talking about for two years publicly oh I think he's been around for a long time It's been around.

[1110] I'm talking about it going mainstream.

[1111] You've been talking about it longer than two years, man. Maybe five.

[1112] Have you ever had a foot in you, Greg?

[1113] No. One of the times that we did your serious show, you were talking about having a foot fit.

[1114] And it was a long time ago.

[1115] And the funny thing is, I don't act on it.

[1116] Like, I've never, like, sucked on someone's toes, and it's just I enjoy looking at them.

[1117] So do you enjoy looking at them in real life as much as on video or on video more than real life?

[1118] Which one?

[1119] In real life, I'm on the look at all this.

[1120] all the time all the time so just store the memories i'm looking down a lot and here's what i also do if i see a woman i predict in my head whether she has open -toed sandals and what the feet are going to look like and i'm i'm pretty right on it if a woman has like really pretty feet will you store that and then jerk off to them later no never i can't store shit for jerk off i need immediate high sense right in front of you right there's never been a time where you took a few days off and you really had a build up.

[1121] No. No, and I only watched foot porn because I'm friends with...

[1122] Right.

[1123] Stop with the gross shit, man. Infected pus coming in.

[1124] What I want to see that?

[1125] I only watched it because Bella Donna is a friend of mine.

[1126] Oh.

[1127] You know, she does...

[1128] Single.

[1129] The foot soldiers is her whole...

[1130] She's single now?

[1131] I heard she just got single.

[1132] No shit.

[1133] Maybe that's not known, but...

[1134] Wow.

[1135] That's good news.

[1136] Yeah, her husband's a good dude.

[1137] But he managed her.

[1138] So that's always a bad thing.

[1139] thing he what he managed her which is always a bad thing that's a tough that's a tough sell right yeah that's a stranger it's a hard relationship it happened with um terra patrick and that dude that rocker dude yeah he was in all over porn he was bad news fascinating well and when guys like that like marry a porn star but she still works but now he fucks her and all the films like a couple mainstream you know who he's with now he's with that little loupay girl the filippino girl yeah he got Like within a month that he broke up at Tara Patrick.

[1140] He was with another porn star managing her.

[1141] He likes it.

[1142] Crazy.

[1143] Yeah.

[1144] Does he only bang her or does she bang other dudes?

[1145] I have no idea.

[1146] He told me. He told me because I co -hosted the porn awards with Tara Patrick.

[1147] So I went to her house one time and he was there.

[1148] And I asked him.

[1149] I go, so are you allowed to fuck around?

[1150] He's like, no, I don't.

[1151] He goes, there's one massage place I go to right over here in the valley.

[1152] And, you know, I get jerked off at the end.

[1153] but that's it and he's like and Terra goes there for massages too and I was like you know that ain't fucking true but that was their press release on the issue who cares that could easily be true you don't think that could be true I did it with my ex both went to the same at the same time why did that dude get mad at you because I said to Lupe because I noticed that she was back in town I was like hey I would really like to get you on that podcast I do with Dan and Dearam on Triple X squad and he wrote back look motherfucker I told you she does not want to do your stupid shit blah blah blah like just start going off on me like five tweets and then I wrote back something like dude sorry just asked if she wanted to do a podcast I would help her out and then like all these people on Twitter just started like going what the fuck it was like six months ago and then he eventually apologized sent me a direct message like sorry man here's my email address and blah blah blah I thought you were somebody else or something oh okay I think some guy I think she gets harassed a lot of course she does man Of course.

[1154] Could you imagine being a porn star on the internet and having everyone just be able to tweet you?

[1155] Oh, the fucking shit, those poor women must have to deal with.

[1156] She's awesome, man. Yeah, but because of the sexual repression that we have, they take the brunt of it.

[1157] Like, if anybody in this country, if you're allowed to call them a slut or a cunt, it's like a porn star.

[1158] It's like the things that guys say to porn, I've seen some of the shit guys who said to porn stars.

[1159] Like, well, you'll, some girl be in your feed complaining, Like, it's hard to believe some of the fucking creeps that tweet me. And then, you know, and then you'll go to her Twitter page and see her responding.

[1160] And then you read the things that they're saying.

[1161] Mean, fucking heartless, creepy shit that you're only allowed to.

[1162] Yeah, exactly.

[1163] You're only allowed to, in their mind.

[1164] Like, it's rare that I think a girl like, let's pick a name of a famous actress.

[1165] Sophia Renn.

[1166] Who's on Twitter, though?

[1167] Jenny McCarthy.

[1168] Yeah, Jenny McCarthy.

[1169] Okay, but Jenny McCarthy gets hate because of, like, the virus thing, the vaccination thing.

[1170] She gets a lot of heat because of that.

[1171] I just read some whole article about this.

[1172] The doctor was actually writing an article about how unfair it is, and how much heat she takes for having a controversial assessment on vaccinations.

[1173] Yeah, I think that it was irresponsible of her.

[1174] It's very irresponsible.

[1175] It's also what she really believed.

[1176] She really believed it at the time.

[1177] I don't know if she still does.

[1178] But then I looked up all the things that have been caused.

[1179] by vaccinations and that's where it's another one of those abortion type things it's like vaccinations for sure are not just beneficial they've probably extended the life of many people in this country they've stopped diseases like polio nip that shit right basically in the bud you know stopped measles and mumps in a lot of places because of it i'm a firm believer i'm a firm believer don't get me wrong but people have been damaged by vaccines that's the fact too it's a small percentage and most scientists believe that it's worth the risk but there's people that have been damaged by vaccines that are no longer on the market and no longer available right galaxos smith klein used to have a vaccine for um Lyme disease but the problem is if you have you're only you can only safely can take this vaccine if you have a certain gene or if you're lacking a certain gene and they have to run this like gene examination on you they have to find out what it is Sorry for butchering this, but my friend's dad got Lyme disease from the fucking vaccine.

[1180] They were going to be hiking.

[1181] They're going to live in Connecticut.

[1182] Oh, he took it preemptively.

[1183] He took it preemptively, and it gave him fucking Lyme disease.

[1184] All of a sudden, the guy's like bones hurt.

[1185] Lyme disease is the most poorly prescribed disease you can get.

[1186] They can go after it with cycle after cycle of hardcore antibiotics, and sometimes they're just chasing it and they can't get it.

[1187] and it fucks you up.

[1188] Yeah.

[1189] They need a lot of research on that because it's getting worse.

[1190] You know, the first case of it was less than 20 years ago.

[1191] Is that right?

[1192] Yes.

[1193] In Lyme, Connecticut.

[1194] Yeah, Lyme disease reported Lyme disease, I believe, less than 21 years old.

[1195] Wow.

[1196] I think they had never had it before or was undiagnosed before or it mutated.

[1197] No one knows exactly, but it's also connected to this weird thing called more gelins.

[1198] Have you ever heard more jellons.

[1199] It's one of the things that we investigated on this sci -fi show.

[1200] And what was interesting about it was doctors dismiss it right away.

[1201] Like you tell someone about more jelins.

[1202] I talked to like a really smart doctor.

[1203] Like what do you think about more jellins?

[1204] Like, more jellons, you know, those people are kind of crazy.

[1205] And I had been to a more jellants conference and I talked to doctors who have more jellins.

[1206] And one of the weird things is that almost all of them also have Lyme disease.

[1207] So this Lyme disease, when ticks are such nasty cunts that they have a host of pathogens that they carry with them.

[1208] Lyme disease being one of them, but there may be a bunch of undiagnosed tag -alongs, and more Jellans might be one of these.

[1209] These poor fucking people, man. What are the effects of it?

[1210] First of all, it makes you crazy.

[1211] It fucks with your head.

[1212] Well, Lyme disease does that, too.

[1213] It's neurological.

[1214] Yes.

[1215] It hurts their way they look at the world.

[1216] And one of the doctors that I talked to was talking to me about neurotoxicity, about how it has a certain amount of neurotoxicity.

[1217] We go pretty deep into it on this show.

[1218] It's incredibly fascinating.

[1219] And meanwhile, we don't fucking need dears, although they're being carried now in mice as much as deer.

[1220] Dogs too.

[1221] You know, people who have never been around an area where this is a real issue would never understand it.

[1222] But like upstate New York, it's a real fucking problem.

[1223] It's too many deer.

[1224] A lot of deer, and they carry ticks, and those ticks get on people, and you get Lyme disease, and you're fucked.

[1225] and you know you like bright lights hurt your joints hurt like it's it could fucking slow you down my aunt got it and she had to go in once a week for antibiotics and uh she got diabetes from it a whole list of shit plus extreme exhaustion yeah she could she would be up six seven hours a day and so you know what got rid of it what a hysterectomy oh my god she needed a hysterectomy and so she got it and then they found her Lyme disease was gone a few months ago and And the doctor went, oh, yeah, yeah, that happens.

[1226] And she's like, so for 10, 15 years, I've been walking around exhausted in pain getting disease as a woman who was, you know, 50, obviously not having more kids.

[1227] And the doctor didn't bring up that a hysterectomy would get rid of this disease.

[1228] How does a hysterectomy get rid of the disease?

[1229] I think it changes your estrogen levels or something.

[1230] Wow.

[1231] I don't know exactly.

[1232] And again, I always have to do a preamble when I do any sort of a. recorded spoken thing.

[1233] I don't know as much as I say I do.

[1234] So many times I will put out information that's wrong, but I will do it with full confidence.

[1235] Yeah.

[1236] That's the story of my life.

[1237] If you want to Google this entire interview, you will find no less than three major errors in what I've said.

[1238] And if you want to tweet me about it, it's at Greg Fitzschel.

[1239] Point them out.

[1240] And I will acknowledge, like Sunday Gupta, who's the doctor?

[1241] Sanjay Gupta.

[1242] I will admit I was wrong.

[1243] That's beautiful, Greg.

[1244] Why not?

[1245] Why I changed my mind on weed by Sanjay Gupta.

[1246] Oh, by the way, can I plug my dates?

[1247] Yeah, when are you somewhere?

[1248] I'm going to be coming up in Stand Up Live.

[1249] Do you know the club in Phoenix, Arizona?

[1250] That place is huge, man. Well, I'm there next week.

[1251] It'll be August 15 through 17, 15 to 17.

[1252] And yeah, I just booked the date a couple weeks ago.

[1253] go so I need the fucking I need the squad people to come out I'll tweet it let me know about it send it to me I'll tweet it I will and then I have a one hour special on Comedy Central coming out on August 18th at midnight where did you film it Tarry Town New York where I grew up was a theater from 1885 that was in disrepair when I was growing up so it used to be a movie theater I went to see fucking Herbie the Lovebug there and then they restored it and it's this it's got like all the ornate shit and the balcony, and it's incredible.

[1254] So it was like my family was there, my friends, and Westchester just fucking turned out.

[1255] Kids I went to grammar school with in high school and college.

[1256] It was an amazing night, really magic.

[1257] That's awesome.

[1258] Yeah.

[1259] You're really getting into doing stand -up again.

[1260] Like, you really loving it again.

[1261] Because for a long time, you did a lot of writing, right?

[1262] Where you weren't doing nearly as much stand -up.

[1263] No, and, you know, it's funny.

[1264] I talked to Dana Gould recently about it because, you know, he took time off entirely.

[1265] I mean, he stopped entirely.

[1266] entirely when he did The Simpsons.

[1267] And now he's back in at the last five, six years.

[1268] And, you know, as everybody knows, just one of the most respected comics among comics, but does not have the acclaimer on the country that he should because he was off the grid.

[1269] He stopped when he was like, he was like really respected when we were coming up.

[1270] Right.

[1271] He was like, HBO specials.

[1272] Just a great comic.

[1273] And an interesting comic.

[1274] Right.

[1275] You know, I mean, interesting points of view.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] And a very unique guy that he stopped.

[1278] It was writing for The Simpsons, right?

[1279] Yeah, one amy's made a ton of fucking dough.

[1280] And also, like, you know, had kids, wanted to be around a bit.

[1281] So for me, I feel like I never stopped, but I was splitting my time.

[1282] Like, for 12 years, I've worked on TV shows every year.

[1283] Right.

[1284] But I've also done on a slow year, still 12 weekends a year.

[1285] And on a good year, I'm still, like, this year I'll do 26 weekends.

[1286] 26 is nice.

[1287] Right.

[1288] Every two weeks.

[1289] you're going on the road.

[1290] Yeah, that's how it should be.

[1291] That's good.

[1292] That keeps you from freaking out.

[1293] Right.

[1294] Because if you're one of those, maybe when you were 21, you could go on the road for like a month and a half or two months.

[1295] But I could offer those things.

[1296] Like, let's do a bus tour.

[1297] I'm like, fuck you.

[1298] Yeah, five days in.

[1299] For how many days, though?

[1300] Just the week.

[1301] Do a week we go to fucking Madison, Wisconsin and Chicago.

[1302] Just root it so you got like two hours between each gig.

[1303] Bill Burb wanted to do something like that.

[1304] He wanted to go to like really shitty places.

[1305] Yeah.

[1306] He, like, found a bunch of really shitty places that sent it to me. I was like, I looked at the text.

[1307] I'm like, bitch, I ain't going on.

[1308] There's places that are not worth going to, man. They're just not.

[1309] Well, you could mix it up.

[1310] You do a really good city, and then you do a small one.

[1311] I would do it just to do shows with him.

[1312] Yeah.

[1313] Or to do them with you, we could do them together.

[1314] Me, you, Burr.

[1315] Brian, you open?

[1316] Boston, I'll do it.

[1317] I'll do it.

[1318] I want to do it, Dallas, Houston, Austin.

[1319] Like, just to do it.

[1320] Just go up Texas.

[1321] I think Dallas and Austin are too much the same market.

[1322] They're only an hour away.

[1323] No, they're not the same market.

[1324] No?

[1325] Not a lot of fucking people.

[1326] Yeah, now people in Texas will come out.

[1327] If you know, they know Greg Fitzimms is only going to be in Austin, they'll drive from Dallas.

[1328] Right.

[1329] It's not the same market.

[1330] They're both big -ass cities.

[1331] There's plenty of people in Austin, plenty of people in Dallas.

[1332] Right.

[1333] That Cap City in Austin's one of the greatest clubs in the history of the world.

[1334] It's such a great fucking club.

[1335] And the people that run it are cool.

[1336] Yeah.

[1337] Well, it's real, like, they support the art form.

[1338] Yeah.

[1339] It's like a legit support of the art form club.

[1340] And what a town needs, you need a club like that, and then you need a community, and then, you know, you need an open mic night, and then boom, you got a bunch of comments.

[1341] Well, you need a manager that is going to, you know, it's effort to make an open mic night, and they don't make money on it, so it's an investment in the local talent.

[1342] Basically, you're saying, you know, the way San Francisco does and Denver does, you're saying, we're going to have our farm team locally.

[1343] We're going to teach guys how to do it on an open mic night, support them and make them opening acts when they're good enough.

[1344] and then they start to create their own satellite rooms and coffee houses and whatever and then you've got a scene and a club owner knows that I know this comic he knows me you see people that go back to the San Francisco punch line myself included I go in for way less money than I work anywhere else because it's a small room but I fucking do it because I love it I love Molly and it's just and you're in a city you love in the middle of it and so I think that it's smart for club owners to establish these relationships and give this support to the community because it pays back.

[1345] Yeah, no, it does pay back.

[1346] It does.

[1347] And I think that it's the best way to support stand -up and to keep the art form alive because it's hard for a person to go from being like just a guy who wants to go on stage for the very first time, say in Indianapolis.

[1348] You know, it's fucking hard.

[1349] It's not easy to, like, develop a comedy career out of there and try to even get time locally.

[1350] It's very difficult.

[1351] Unless you're doing your own rooms.

[1352] And then to start getting booked nationally, good fucking luck you have to have some sort of a draw to get booked internet you mean unless you find someone to pickyback with like someone who thinks you're funny that takes you with them as a middle act or an opening act good fucking luck getting booked anywhere and you you would think because i think for a lot of feature acts they they come in with somebody with a headliner club owners sometimes resent that and you don't get booked back as a feature you think that you're going to showcase for them as a feature for the headliner but you know depending on the club sometimes they would rather book their own features and So they have a chip on their shoulder against that person.

[1353] Yeah, Tom Seagroar was telling me this story about this guy.

[1354] Someone couldn't make a show, so they had to call for a replacement.

[1355] And Tom wanted to use – well, Tom was the headliner.

[1356] And the middle act couldn't make it.

[1357] And so Tom wanted to use his buddy, who's in town.

[1358] And the manager's like, no, no, no, I already got someone coming.

[1359] And she's like, you know, I prefer to use them.

[1360] And he's like, but I'm in touch with this guy.

[1361] He's five minutes away.

[1362] he could be here.

[1363] Well, it turns out the other guy was someone that she was fucking.

[1364] Right.

[1365] So she wanted to get her boyfriend to work as a middle.

[1366] But he's like, well, this is, do you understand this is my show?

[1367] Like, I don't want this guy.

[1368] He's terrible.

[1369] Yep.

[1370] And so Tom was forced to work with this guy.

[1371] The last time he worked with him, he said he did 45 minutes and then was selling t -shirts at the end and, like, had this big pitch for people to go buy his shirts.

[1372] It was like the grossest thing ever.

[1373] And so, you know, now he's got to fucking work with this guy again.

[1374] It's one of the big bummers about doing the road if you don't have full control of the show.

[1375] It's like you can't, if you do the road, like I do the road, we do the road, it's all our friends.

[1376] And then it becomes a party.

[1377] It's like we might as well, if we're in Montreal or if we're in Florida, it's the same party.

[1378] You know, it's like we're moving all over the place, but it's the same party.

[1379] And it forces you to get out of your room and go to a decent restaurant for dinner.

[1380] Things become more of an event, whereas if I'm alone, I will eat at Starbucks, breakfast, and lunch.

[1381] That's how pathetic I am.

[1382] It's a very lonely thing to be working on the road.

[1383] alone for like three or four days in a row it's very lonely yeah I like it because you know like you I got kids in the house and even though I have an office it's different when I'm on the road I fucking I get up late but I'm awake when I'm up and then I work out and then I listen to my show from the night before and I take copious notes and then I work on the set for that night and then I weed all my fucking emails and and then I just go to the show like with total focus yeah that's a big one man that a lot of comics don't like to do listening to the show and taking notes but i have gotten so much out of doing that like when that's like one of the best warm -ups too for me um when i uh if i'm going to do a show somewhere i'll go over all of my notes like everything for like i'll set aside like two hours where i just go over notes usually the plane ride for me is that it's perfect plane ride's perfect you're focused you're sitting there you're not going anywhere.

[1384] You can get coffee anytime you want.

[1385] Right.

[1386] Boom.

[1387] But going over those notes, that's number one.

[1388] Then listening to a set and like trying to figure out like what order things should be in or what I forgot to do or what could be a good tag here.

[1389] Like sometimes like you'll have like a little thing in a recording that becomes this blossom that takes off.

[1390] Right.

[1391] Right.

[1392] It's just one little...

[1393] And whatever the genesis of the joke was sometimes falls away entirely.

[1394] Yeah, it's so weird.

[1395] It's like the way you get to an idea sometimes It's just like in that sense It's almost a living thing Like it's kind of growing and finding its own form As you're working it out on stage And it's so subtle That you have to listen to the tape right away Because then you can remember Where your energy was at that moment And what thoughts you were having at that moment You can connect it all Because the changes are so small Yes And sometimes you'll hear doors that opened up that you didn't follow through on.

[1396] Right.

[1397] Like, you're like, oh, there's another whole bit there.

[1398] Oh, my God.

[1399] Like, that happens all the time.

[1400] Yeah.

[1401] Or you'll go off on a little tangent, and you just think, after you went off, thank God, I got that recorded, because I don't even remember exactly what I said.

[1402] I forget everything when I get off stage.

[1403] Well, people would never know that the weird sort of mindset, unless they've done it, unless they've tried to do Stana.

[1404] But that weird mindset, when you're locked in in the groove, it's almost like you're there and you're focused and you're in the moment but you're also like completely blank and it's all just coming out of your mouth with no you know you're not clinging on to anything it's all just flying out of your mouth you're locked into it and it's almost like being a passenger in that sense yeah you're you're an active passenger it's almost like I guess like sports when you know when you know the fundamentals well enough that you let go and you find what do they call it the zone you're going the zone and because you're so in the moment you don't have that perspective of later on remembering what exactly you said and then you listen to it, I'll listen to it on tape and completely forget that I went into this place or somebody from the audience yells something out and I think you and I are similar.

[1405] I don't go counter.

[1406] When somebody yells something out, I try to take it and use it if I possibly can.

[1407] And sometimes it's fucking great because it came out of, they were in the moment too, when they yelled something out.

[1408] Yeah, yeah.

[1409] And it's such a fine balance.

[1410] Like sometimes it's not a problem at all when people yell out something in the right time.

[1411] Right.

[1412] And sometimes it's like a huge problem because you get one idiot who won't stop doing it.

[1413] Right.

[1414] And he's annoying everyone around them.

[1415] It's almost like it's a very fine line you walk.

[1416] Because occasionally someone will yell something and it's hilarious.

[1417] Well, especially if it's clearly when you're between bits.

[1418] Yes.

[1419] That's great.

[1420] Yell it out then.

[1421] I'm going to get a simple.

[1422] sip of water you yell at an idea but if i'm like that abortion bit i'll fucking set that thing up which is that's a that's a 9 .8 difficulty level doing an abortion joke that's pro uh pro life somewhat and you build it up and it's fragile man you're staying on a house of cards because you haven't gotten to the laugh yet yeah and then someone yells something and you want to go out and punch them in the face because now you got to you got to lose the joke yeah that that becomes a real problem and people just can't keep quiet long enough to let someone do their thing right but it's also like the combative nature people when it comes to controversial ideas the ideas become very they become very emotionally invested in the ideas whether if it's abortion or war or a lot of times you get that same sort of reaction so it's not just a matter of being attached to the idea it's being emotionally connected to that idea succeeding and that you know You being against that idea, they'll, in your face and screaming and pointing fingers.

[1423] You know, it becomes a weird human characteristic.

[1424] That's an unfortunate aspect to people when it comes to certain ideas.

[1425] It's just like, it's a, I mean, I've felt it myself.

[1426] There's a like a natural inclination to be competitive.

[1427] Yeah, and it sort of feels like when you go to that place and you're trying to be honest, at the same time you want to say to the audience, hey, listen, I'm not a professional.

[1428] at a university you're paying tuition at.

[1429] I'm not a speaker on NPR.

[1430] I'm a, I tell dick jokes in front of drunks.

[1431] Right.

[1432] And if you have to challenge what I'm saying, you're really taking everything too seriously.

[1433] But there is a point, though, as an audience member, where we've all seen this one guy who goes on stage and is just essentially preaching.

[1434] Right.

[1435] I mean, we've all seen that.

[1436] And it gets to be this, you know, women should be the only ones to get to choose what they do.

[1437] and don't do to their body.

[1438] And they're, like, pacing the stage.

[1439] They wait for the applause break after it.

[1440] Yeah.

[1441] And the problem is, these points to me are, duh.

[1442] It's, of course, they should.

[1443] Of course, murders it bad.

[1444] Of course, you shouldn't rob people.

[1445] Of course, you shouldn't kick babies.

[1446] Of course, duh.

[1447] You don't have to say that.

[1448] I mean, in my world, you don't have to say those things.

[1449] In my world, those things are a given.

[1450] So let's start there.

[1451] Right.

[1452] You don't have to just preach some really obvious shit that everyone's going to fucking agree with.

[1453] And also, to me, it's like, if you're doing a joke, that is about an issue that's about gun control that you're you're about gun control do a joke about a detail that you have a point of view on don't announce we are now going to take on gun control and here's my take on it right to me it's like bury that yeah yeah and it's also I want to hear about it from a guy like you who I know is doing the work I know that if you're gonna go on stage you have my full confidence that if you're going to present an idea on stage, especially a very controversial one, like a pro -life sort of a pro -phetus sort of an argument in a joke form.

[1454] Like, who, I know that you have put together a little dance.

[1455] And I have to watch this dance completely play out.

[1456] And it may have some turns in it.

[1457] Exactly.

[1458] But that knee -jerk thing where people attach themselves to ideas.

[1459] You're talking about abortion?

[1460] Are you talking about, it almost like they got a green light to be a dick.

[1461] This guy's an asshole.

[1462] Green light, wrong, not true, propaganda, liberal, you know, whatever they want to say to you.

[1463] Whatever they want to say.

[1464] I was in Lake Tahoe when I was talking about how we've been brainwashed to support billionaires in this country.

[1465] And in every other society, when this few people had this much of the money, they were dragged in the street, had their heads chopped off, and we split their shit.

[1466] And we should start killing billionaires.

[1467] Well, it's obviously a ridiculous bit, but it's based in a feeling that I have of resentment of these people, right?

[1468] Clearly a comedic extrapolation on an idea.

[1469] And this dude fucking stands up in a casino in Lake Tahoe walks towards the stage screaming at me that I'm a socialist, which, by the way, I am.

[1470] Okay?

[1471] I do believe we should share the shit more.

[1472] So he walks up and somebody grabs him from coming up on stage.

[1473] And so, and I just keep baiting him.

[1474] Now I'm like, I want.

[1475] this motherfucker on stage so bad i am getting in his head i'm making him implode so then they have to drag him out soon as he gets thrown out another dude in the back row is up he's pacing back and forth and i do the same thing i just look at him i go that's right i'll kill my bare fucking ads i'll pull him out of a Ferrari and uh and they just keep going and and it was like this instinct i had to create chaos because they they are not going to take my show no matter what it takes if i'm on a stage, that's my fucking stage.

[1476] And I will burn the place down before you take control on my show.

[1477] Well, it becomes a real issue with folks who are not familiar with your material.

[1478] They're just going out to a quote -unquote comedy show.

[1479] Well, that's a casino.

[1480] Yeah.

[1481] That's the problem.

[1482] It's there's going to be a big difference between that and who comes to see you at the Bray Improv, for example.

[1483] You know, most likely there's going to be Greg Fitzsimmons fans.

[1484] They're going to come and they're going to know what you do and they're going to enjoy it.

[1485] But when you, when someone's just going out to see comedy and you're giving them some really heavy duty subversive shit wrapped up in sarcasm and it's like what?

[1486] It's like their little feeble brains can't handle it.

[1487] Right, right and kill billionaires.

[1488] What?

[1489] Right.

[1490] The fuck, you know, billionaires made this fucking country.

[1491] What it is?

[1492] Because they believe they're going to be one.

[1493] Yeah, it's always broke people too.

[1494] Right.

[1495] Right.

[1496] Right.

[1497] What is that about?

[1498] Boy, did they fucking, boy, did they do a brainwashed job on them.

[1499] That is what.

[1500] I applaud the Republican Party because, I should say, just the conservatives in general, The mind control that they have pulled off.

[1501] And now the Coke brothers just purchased like 11 Tribune newspapers, like big ones.

[1502] That shouldn't be a problem.

[1503] Right.

[1504] It's not like Rupert Murdoch editorialized news at all.

[1505] Their brothers that own Coca -Cola, by the way?

[1506] No. They're into textiles.

[1507] I think what's fascinating, too, about the idea of someone getting upset, like a poor person, getting upset.

[1508] about, you know, about billionaires and, like, calling you a socialist or calling you a communist, like, you're the people that would benefit the most from this not being the case.

[1509] Like, this idea, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, those guys almost never do.

[1510] Because the billionaires, if they're in a situation and you're saying something to disagree with, they don't stand up and scream.

[1511] They get the fuck out of there.

[1512] Right.

[1513] You know why?

[1514] Because they don't want anybody knowing they're a billionaire.

[1515] When you're a fucking billionaire and you're just walking around, you're like a best.

[1516] bank on wheels.

[1517] You can't just go places.

[1518] You know, you can't, like, Oprah Winfrey.

[1519] Do you think Oprah Winfrey can just go places?

[1520] Everywhere Oprah goes, she must have some sort of protection with her.

[1521] She must have some big men and cars that ricochet bullets off of.

[1522] And do you know how many lawsuits are filed?

[1523] Like, I talk, I'm not going to say who, but a really, really rich, famous person.

[1524] Fucking 14 lawsuits at that time against them.

[1525] Wow.

[1526] Because it's, it's, why wouldn't you?

[1527] You have any contact with this person that doesn't go well.

[1528] Fuck it.

[1529] You know, they'll settle out of court.

[1530] I'll grab a couple hundred thousand dollars.

[1531] Did you see what happened with Oprah Winfrey recently?

[1532] She said that she was subjected to racism while shopping in Switzerland.

[1533] Former talk show host tells Entertainment Tonight she was in a Zunich store when she asked an employee if she could examine a large purse.

[1534] According to Winfrey, the employee repeatedly refused saying that the purse was too expensive.

[1535] Really?

[1536] Yeah.

[1537] Wow.

[1538] The employer told her, no, you don't want to see that one.

[1539] You want to see this one because that one cost too.

[1540] much you won't be able to afford that and I don't want to hurt your feelings well you those are the whitest people in the world but could you imagine what a colossal fuck up it is to say that to Oprah Winfrey bad for the country well just fucked it up for their whole country but stop and think just for a moment of all the people that you didn't think was rich right Oprah fucking Winfrey she's one of the richest humans that have ever walked the face of the planet.

[1541] With one of the biggest platforms to communicate what you just did on the planet.

[1542] I mean, how many women are richer than Oprah Winfrey, especially like self -made?

[1543] There's a woman in Australia who I think is the richest person in Australia, and she's worth more than Oprah.

[1544] Wow.

[1545] She wanted to buy it for Tina Turner.

[1546] So it's a double whammy, you know?

[1547] What's love got to do?

[1548] Got to do with it.

[1549] She was in Switzerland for Tina Turner's, wedding.

[1550] She's trying to buy her a beautiful purse.

[1551] Wow.

[1552] That's fucking crazy.

[1553] What a dummy.

[1554] That's a racist thing.

[1555] When I first heard about it, I was like, oh, come on, it's probably not racist.

[1556] That is 100 % racist.

[1557] When I first heard about it, this is how fucking gross I am, I immediately dismissed it.

[1558] I was like, yeah, racism.

[1559] She recommends that complain in your rope for Winfrey.

[1560] And then I went, oh, then you actually read the story and you go, oh, yeah, that's racism.

[1561] That's it.

[1562] Isn't this a fucking store?

[1563] There's a store, right?

[1564] And you're selling shit and someone wants to see it because they want to buy it?

[1565] And you're like, not you.

[1566] Yeah, but what if like a white woman came like two minutes later and they said she's like, no, this is too expensive.

[1567] You can look at it.

[1568] Well, why do they have the purse and the shit?

[1569] It's probably something you have to get a meeting with.

[1570] You have to like put down a credit card.

[1571] It's probably some kind of, you know, it might be that expensive where they're like, it's not even really for sale.

[1572] It's just big.

[1573] Oprah needs shit like this to happen now.

[1574] It's a purse, man. Oprah needs the shit to happen because her life is so insolid.

[1575] Like you said, there's always bodyguards around, you can't just walk out.

[1576] She doesn't get shit like that that she can then go on TV and talk about.

[1577] She loved it.

[1578] You think she's not looking for that?

[1579] Not to dismiss it.

[1580] I'm with you, Joe.

[1581] This is racism.

[1582] But her fucking twat wheted up when this happened.

[1583] Did you hear what Chong's daughter called Oprah?

[1584] Yeah, she was very rude.

[1585] Tommy Chong?

[1586] Yeah, and then Chong defended her.

[1587] Did he really?

[1588] Yeah.

[1589] There's a video of him just saying, you know, like she would be well what she said was about that Oprah would be the first person to run to the most powerful person in the room and kiss their ass and become their best friend and you know and I think she called her she did a movie with her and I think she called her a house N -word yeah a field N -word yeah oh a field N -word yeah is that worse than a house N -word yeah because they have to be outside yeah it's not even in the house it's a field one no the house I think though are seen as more compromised by the white man. Or docile.

[1590] That makes sense.

[1591] Well, yeah, then it's even then it's mean.

[1592] Then what she says means.

[1593] Saying that she's a sellout to white people.

[1594] How can you be upset about someone who's a slave?

[1595] That doesn't even make sense.

[1596] That's funny because you have white people that have black audiences and nobody calls them a sellout.

[1597] That's true, right?

[1598] Yeah.

[1599] Or there's no, or what about white people with white audiences?

[1600] Right.

[1601] You know, if any, just because she's black and she has a white audience like so fucking wild.

[1602] There's a lot of black woman like her too.

[1603] She obviously taps into a vein.

[1604] It's not my vein.

[1605] It's not your vein.

[1606] But it's a vein.

[1607] But guess what?

[1608] People are different than you and I. It's nothing wrong with that.

[1609] I like Oprah.

[1610] I think Oprah is like a really positive person, which she promotes to me, despite the fact that she's like a super billionaire.

[1611] She promotes to me is that you can think positive.

[1612] You can make shit happen.

[1613] You could do things.

[1614] You can be nice to people.

[1615] You could promote good causes.

[1616] Talk about healthy food.

[1617] She's a multinational corporation And she chooses to spend a lot of that money on schools in Africa, learning programs here.

[1618] She's a role model for women and black people.

[1619] And she interviews, she did, I mean, she had a lot of, like, gossipy sort of interviews, especially back in the day.

[1620] Like, Bill Burr had a great joke about her, like, how she actually made her career, you know, about, like, she can't get all high and mighty now because we remember how you got there in the first place.

[1621] So she had, like, a crazy Mori Popovich type show.

[1622] Right.

[1623] You know, if you go to the old one, I was hanging out with.

[1624] with Al Madrigals, one of the first times I ever met him, when Al was a, he was the host at the old cobs.

[1625] Do you remember the old cops?

[1626] Right.

[1627] Did you ever do it?

[1628] Yeah.

[1629] It was like a hundred.

[1630] I was there the night it burned down.

[1631] I was on stage when it burned down.

[1632] Really?

[1633] Right.

[1634] Oh, my God.

[1635] How many seats was that?

[1636] 150?

[1637] 125.

[1638] What a great room.

[1639] You were there actually when the fire broke out.

[1640] Right.

[1641] Fireman ran in and told everybody to get out of the building.

[1642] Helmets on axes.

[1643] People ran out.

[1644] It was fucking shit falling off the buildings.

[1645] Holy shit.

[1646] And I stood in the street and I watched the thing burn to the ground.

[1647] It was crazy.

[1648] What started that fire?

[1649] Next door was a hotel.

[1650] They were renovating and it was like an oily rag kind of thing.

[1651] And then it crossed over because it was called the cannery.

[1652] And it's an old, you know, walkway with the buildings pretty close together.

[1653] And, you know, those San Francisco buildings are from like the 1820s.

[1654] And it's always been the problem with San Francisco is that if there's a fire, all buildings are connected.

[1655] Like a lot of those buildings on those hills.

[1656] And it's windy, so it's blowing the flames.

[1657] And it's hills, so everything goes up.

[1658] It's like, I mean, it's, they have terrible fires.

[1659] The earthquake and fire, what was it, like the 1800s?

[1660] Then they had that other one in 94, right?

[1661] There were some fires attached to that one, too, wasn't there?

[1662] No, not 89, right?

[1663] Was it 89?

[1664] I think that was the earthquake in 89, wasn't it where they got hit really hard or was that 91?

[1665] They hit by earthquake and fire.

[1666] During the World Series.

[1667] Fuck, yeah, that's right.

[1668] I remember that.

[1669] That was nuts.

[1670] Yeah, that's a crazy place to live.

[1671] San Francisco is a badass city though So I was there with Al Magical And we had just worked together And we were a smunk and pot with him and his friends And we were sitting in his parents' house His parents had this dope house on the hill And we were watching Oprah Winfrey Old school Oprah Winfrey And I'll never forget We were sitting there I was like the first time I was ever met Al And we were watching this show And we were like damn Look how crazy Oprah used to look She used to have this crazy hair And she was interviewing these racists like these real like heavy duty white supremacists and it wasn't like the chastising holier than now Oprah of today it was like the scared Oprah who was like just starting she was almost like a newspaper reporter you know or a news camera you know newscaster it wasn't like the confident powerful iconic figure Oprah it was weird it's like wow this woman like she worked her way up yeah she became like a lioness she became more graceful and powerful as she got older and don't forget she won an Oscar for color purple yeah no shit she I mean if you stop and think about it like how many other women have ever done like that and like risen to that level they get close and they fucking they Rosie O'Donnell it right I mean Ellen Ellen looked like she was going there and then the show kind of flatlined a little I mean I think it's a successful show but it didn't it didn't grow into the empire that Oprah has Rosie had a good show on the Oprah Winfrey Network but for whatever reason TV show or radio show?

[1672] She was a TV show.

[1673] I did it.

[1674] Oh, yeah?

[1675] I was in Chicago, right?

[1676] Yes.

[1677] Yeah, she was at Oprah's place.

[1678] She was a brutal boss.

[1679] I know some people that worked on that show.

[1680] Oh, really?

[1681] Apparently, they just cleaned house one day, everybody.

[1682] Oh, really?

[1683] Yeah.

[1684] She's a tough boss.

[1685] Well, she's a lesbian.

[1686] She's like a dude.

[1687] Right.

[1688] You think she's a lesbian?

[1689] That's what I've heard.

[1690] Rosie O'Donnell?

[1691] Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.

[1692] Who are you talking about Oprah?

[1693] Oprah.

[1694] Oh, no, no, no, no. I thought you were talking about Rosa.

[1695] Rosie.

[1696] No, Rosie is a, yes, I believe a lesbian.

[1697] Yeah, it's a powerful lesbian.

[1698] Yeah.

[1699] I did her.

[1700] She's a big conspiracy theorist.

[1701] Is she?

[1702] Oh, yeah.

[1703] Tower 7, a big Tower 7 person.

[1704] I just watched another Tower 7 video with Ed Asner.

[1705] I was like, all right, I was like, if Ed Asner's now, they're getting involved with Tower 7 videos.

[1706] And it, you know, it was like, it was the most legit Tower 7 video I saw.

[1707] Ed Asner's on board?

[1708] Yeah, yeah.

[1709] Wow.

[1710] But it's still, it's like they never talk about the, they always, like, the The whole video is very believable, but they'd never talk about the humongous chunk of building that was missing on one side.

[1711] You know, like, they always talk about, well, this is like impossible because, you know, this happened.

[1712] They talk about what, the way it melted?

[1713] Yeah, there's like, there's no office fire that's ever taken down a, you know, building and how the columns, like, you know, this one was damaged and that made everyone, all of them.

[1714] But they also don't talk about the big humongous hole that's missing in the building.

[1715] And not once in that video, did they talk about the big hole in the missing.

[1716] Joe Rogan, your take on Tower 7.

[1717] There's most certainly a giant hole and diesel fires through the whole building.

[1718] That said, I have never seen a building collapse into its foundation like that that wasn't a controlled demolition.

[1719] It doesn't mean that it can't happen because obviously I'm not an architect, but I know that they have that architects and engineers for 9 -11 truth.

[1720] There's like 2 ,000 people involved in that, and they all have this belief that that would have never happened under natural circumstances.

[1721] But how many, but out of those 2 ,000, how many more thousands disagree?

[1722] I don't know that.

[1723] I don't have that information.

[1724] I know they put out.

[1725] It might be 2 ,000 believe that, but it might be 150 ,000 think it's nonsense because of X or Y. Well, the government pointed to this, or might have commissioned a popular mechanics, I believe, did the definitive report, which said that, you know, everything was legit.

[1726] But that felt, that felt a little too neat.

[1727] Yeah, that's a Hearst publication, man. William Randolph Hurst.

[1728] That's the same guy who made marijuana illegal.

[1729] That's the same guy.

[1730] who put stories, I mean, Hearst Publications.

[1731] Is that like 1930?

[1732] Yeah, 30, whatever it was, 35 or something like that.

[1733] I mean, he put in stories about these blacks and Mexicans.

[1734] Oh, raping?

[1735] Raping white women because they got hooked on this marijuana.

[1736] Right.

[1737] That's where the term marijuana came from.

[1738] Before that, marijuana was a slang for a wild Mexican tobacco.

[1739] No shit.

[1740] Yeah.

[1741] Oh, he's a bad motherfucker.

[1742] Wow.

[1743] It was all because of hemp.

[1744] Hemp, the commodity.

[1745] He was going to have to switch his paper over.

[1746] He was going to switch his paper over to hemp because hemp is a superior paper.

[1747] and he was going to have to switch.

[1748] He had forests that he would chop down and make trees out of because he had paper mills.

[1749] Because he not only had newspapers, he also had paper mills.

[1750] So in this battle over the commodity of hemp, he demonized it as being connected to this drug that was making black and Mexicans rape white women.

[1751] Right.

[1752] And then in 1970, they commissioned a big study.

[1753] The government did.

[1754] And then they, I think they made another law or?

[1755] Well, 1970, it was a sweeping psychedelic act that made everything illegal.

[1756] That was when it was like LSD, mushrooms, everything.

[1757] Yeah, actually, what's really fascinating is the Category 1 drugs are less dangerous in a lot of ways than Category 2 drugs.

[1758] Like, Category 1 is marijuana, but 2, Schedule 2 is cocaine and heroin.

[1759] Because they're considered less addictive?

[1760] No, they're way more addictive, way more dangerous, way more toxic, LD 50 rates much higher or much lower, with lethal dose at 50%.

[1761] Like, you can kill yourself pretty easy on either one of those, heroin or cocaine.

[1762] Nobody in the history of time has ever OD'd on marijuana.

[1763] Exactly.

[1764] Marijuana is not going to kill you.

[1765] So the idea that one of them is a Schedule 1, which is marijuana, which is the most illegal.

[1766] And those two are Schedule 2.

[1767] It's one of the coochiest things.

[1768] It's so crazy.

[1769] And also in this weed movie, Gupta talks about how the level of addiction with marijuana was way overstated.

[1770] And every new study shows that it's like a 10 % rate as opposed to like a 30 % or 40 % rate with heroin and cocaine.

[1771] And there's people that are addicted to everything.

[1772] You can get into that until the sun comes home.

[1773] There's people that are addicted to playing online poker.

[1774] Physically addictive.

[1775] I've been addicted to playing video games.

[1776] I know that feeling.

[1777] It is very much like an addiction.

[1778] It's a compulsive, gnawing away at your consciousness feeling.

[1779] And that could happen with almost anything.

[1780] It could certainly happen with marijuana.

[1781] But psychological versus physiological.

[1782] Yeah, psychological versus physiological.

[1783] And psychological is a real issue.

[1784] It's a real issue.

[1785] But it's an issue for almost everything that exists.

[1786] And when you're dealing with giant numbers, How many people smoke marijuana?

[1787] Jesus Christ, you're talking about millions and millions and millions of fucking people in this country.

[1788] Millions.

[1789] So out of those, you're going to get a couple of losers, okay?

[1790] You're going to get a few people that can't keep the shit together.

[1791] You're going to get a few people that would have fallen off the rails if it was sniffing glue or huff and paint.

[1792] Doritos.

[1793] Yeah.

[1794] So is it tricky for even intelligent people?

[1795] Certainly can be.

[1796] Conditions vary.

[1797] Biology varies.

[1798] But for the most part, we've been sold up packed shit.

[1799] Yeah.

[1800] Yeah, and it feels...

[1801] A pile of shit.

[1802] And it feels like the tide is changing, right?

[1803] I mean, it's...

[1804] Yes.

[1805] This is a big one.

[1806] Yeah, this is huge.

[1807] That's Sanjay Gupta.

[1808] That's the guy who was also accused of being a shill because he was getting paid millions of dollars by...

[1809] Or thousands of dollars, excuse me, I'm not exaggerated.

[1810] Thousands of dollars by the pharmaceutical companies.

[1811] It's like blood pressure medication or something.

[1812] I don't know what it was, but Dr. Drew apparently got a little cash on a side too.

[1813] You know, dog, listen, man, I ain't just running shit on TV for my own personal benefit.

[1814] I got to wet my beak, motherfucker.

[1815] I love nice cars, dog.

[1816] I like pretty shiny shit.

[1817] Give the doctor a taste now.

[1818] I don't think there's anything wrong with a good doctor getting consultations or giving consultations, making some money.

[1819] Nothing wrong with that.

[1820] It's just...

[1821] I think it's against the Hippocratic Oath.

[1822] But when it isn't?

[1823] I would think so.

[1824] I mean, they're supposed to...

[1825] They're supposed to be as neutral as possible.

[1826] They're scientists.

[1827] And I think if they're dispensing advice that can affect your life, your health, and they're getting money for it, these people have taken an oath.

[1828] Surely they would only do good.

[1829] Right.

[1830] And just the fact that this company is making them hundreds of thousands of dollars at you, that doesn't mean that they'd be willing to say things they wouldn't ordinarily say.

[1831] It's true.

[1832] They would only sign on for the ones that they absolutely believe in.

[1833] That's it.

[1834] That's the only way they do it.

[1835] That's how doctors roll.

[1836] Doctors are different than all other people that have ever existed, in fact.

[1837] And judges.

[1838] Yes.

[1839] Judges are all completely unaffected by the political party that got them into office.

[1840] Oh, we're fucked.

[1841] It's a stupid system, isn't it?

[1842] It's a crazy system.

[1843] But, you know, it seems to me that this pot thing, I feel really excited about some of the trends that we're getting with legalized gay marriage, with legalized marijuana.

[1844] I think these are big fucking cracks in the...

[1845] in the wall.

[1846] I think so too.

[1847] I think it's also, there's an understanding that people are finally getting that we've been sort of sold this bill of goods that's conservative versus liberal.

[1848] Okay, look, folks, now we have a liberal president and everything's exactly the same.

[1849] Exactly.

[1850] It's got to stop.

[1851] Like, at this point in time when a guy who is a fucking half -black son of a single parent, when that guy is doing the same shit and it's running exactly the same way, sounds horribly wrong we've been sold a bill of goods and we're duking it out with each other over gay marriage and nonsense let's just get married who gives the fuck and then I think slowly but surely as people realize that this immediate connection with homosexual being like liberal something wrong with the way they've been raised you know delinquent evil anti -christian You got AIDS because they deserved it.

[1852] Like, these ideas are, these are ridiculous.

[1853] And at a certain point in time, people are going, oh, yeah, yeah, I don't know.

[1854] I thought gay people were trying to recruit people.

[1855] Like, people are slowly starting to, like, realize that it's a stupid idea.

[1856] If you could put three things on the table that should be dealt with and talked about and change should be made versus all these window dressing things, even abortion, those are all, they affect people deal.

[1857] with it, how they want to deal with it.

[1858] What are the things that you think should be in the public discourse right now?

[1859] The biggest one would be people being able to vote on everything.

[1860] Everything that gets done.

[1861] Every war act.

[1862] Unless it's in, you know, immediate defense of life.

[1863] You know, in those situations like Pearl Harbor, you know, they've been attacked.

[1864] Get the boats out of there.

[1865] Shoot back.

[1866] You know, that type of a scenario.

[1867] Everything other than that, I think there should be an educated discourse.

[1868] And that's the only way that you have a government that acts in representation of the people itself.

[1869] Most people would not be for most of the things that happen, especially if they were educated about the ramifications.

[1870] This is the actual motivation.

[1871] Here's the pros and cons.

[1872] Here's the conspiracy theory.

[1873] If we looked at it all, like from an educated standpoint, much less would slip through the cracks.

[1874] But because we're being taken care of.

[1875] And they have to make it easy because what it comes down to is who, Who will be motivated to actually go to the polls and vote?

[1876] It's got to be on your fucking laptop with a code.

[1877] There is votes, what, once a week?

[1878] Yeah.

[1879] People will say that, oh, you can't fucking, someone's going to hack into it.

[1880] Guess what else you can do online?

[1881] Bank.

[1882] Okay, you can bank online.

[1883] It's the nutty.

[1884] That's way nuttier than check left for yes and right for no. putting your money your fucking ones and zeros in some weird account somewhere and moving around it's on plastic and you're running through the machine at the gas station that's fucking way nuttier than voting right way nuttier you know you look at what they've hacked into with wiki leagues online they've got national secret you know yeah nuclear codes are online and think about the number of transactions that take place banking wise every day online and then add to those stock market transactions.

[1885] Add to those people are getting loans online.

[1886] You know, I mean, there's, the amount of transactions that are taking place are fucking staggering.

[1887] Trillions probably every day.

[1888] Probably.

[1889] Yeah, so it seems like, yeah, if you could, the problem is like with the voting booths, it turns out there was a Republican, one of the main Republican fundraisers in Florida was the guy that designed the voting booths for Florida.

[1890] It's like, all right, we got to pick a fucking company to set up software to vote that is from Switzerland.

[1891] They don't like black people, but they're neutral to us voting.

[1892] Well, it's just one person.

[1893] This does not represent the entire country.

[1894] One person fucked up with Oprah.

[1895] Maybe Oprah like tries to fuck with people and she goes and gets made up like a homeless lady, puts like fake scabs.

[1896] She's just looking to talk shit.

[1897] Very obnoxious.

[1898] Sort of like a kung fu master might, you know, pretend to be like a drunk and stumble into a bar to get people to push them around and fuck people up.

[1899] I've been people who have done that before.

[1900] Maybe that's what Oprah did.

[1901] She's leaving out part of this story She said well you also think that I could get to that purse Let me check out that purse Oh man that purse is the shit Y 'all give me a tobo And one of those purses You imagine if Oprah was a troll And she just goes around She's bored with being a billionaire So she goes around just trying to get people to talk shit Just entrapping people She's like bitch I'm Oprah smack That's her new show Bitch I'm Oprah Well, she's at a certain point in time If she really wants to go out gangster Now's the time to really go for it Bitch I'm Oprah should be the name of her next show You should run it I would run that because I understand the black people I have written on about five black shows And I don't know why But my first writing job was on Cedric The Entertainer Presents Cedric St. Louis black guy who fucking sings and dances I get hired to write his monologues Just me Wow Then I go on, I wrote on...

[1902] Let me ask you that, before he stopped.

[1903] How did you do that?

[1904] What was the process?

[1905] Well, Louis C .K. was on the show, and I told him, look, I haven't seen my one -year -old son in a year because I've been on the road so much.

[1906] I need a writing job.

[1907] So he sets up a meeting with Cedric, and I came in, and I pitched him a few ideas for monologues.

[1908] And I said, well, why are black people?

[1909] I was the first ones kicked off reality shows.

[1910] If there's a vote, if it's Survivor, you could be like, Tyrone, I know you were a green beret.

[1911] You saved us from that barracuda.

[1912] you set up the tent during the storm but you're black man hit the pavement so I gave him like three ideas like that and he was like sold and then we would sit the shows were taped on Friday night so on Monday I just hang out in his office with him for like an hour and we would just shoot the shit you know not topical ideas just you know anything and we'd shoot the shit and the writer's assistant would sit there tap tap tap tap writing everything we said down and then I'd have a couple days to kind of compile it tweak it punch it up show it to him and then he go yeah i like this i like that and that was it friday getting makeup put on meanwhile you got to remember he would rehearse and choreograph an entire dance number he was incredible and so he would come out on the stage do a dance number with the sensation sensation dancers finish hit his mark and do the monologue no teleprompter no cue cards all he had was me after wednesday i would sit in his uh makeup room while he was getting made up and i would be like uh given like a one sheet of paper you know we're gonna talk about you know the omish and you hit this beat this beat this beat this beat you go out on this joke got it okay thanks gregg thanks fitz dog he'd nail it every time wow so that was that's that must have been a fun gig to write in someone else's voice yeah yeah it was and it was great as i was surrounded by you know It was Louis C .K. and J. Johnson.

[1913] It was all black writers except for me and Louis.

[1914] Wow.

[1915] And so it was like on tape night, it was fucking crazy.

[1916] We would, every guy's office was a different vibe.

[1917] You know, one guy had the fucking bong.

[1918] It was just pot.

[1919] And the next one, there were these girls called the Dangerous Dimes, because dimes with black people, she's a tent.

[1920] And they were these girls.

[1921] And all of a sudden on tape night, you'd see it looked like prostitutes, just got off a bus walking through with fucking micro -mini dresses and those thick black thighs and stiletto heels Did you ever close a door and whack one off?

[1922] Oh, fuck yeah.

[1923] Yeah, tell me. No, I mean, not with one.

[1924] I mean, I used to...

[1925] No, no, I mean, like, close a door.

[1926] You used to, oh, into a sink.

[1927] Right on your feet.

[1928] On that show, I was jerking off in the men's room one time and my, it was the first week of work.

[1929] And the men's room had a urinal and one stall and I'm in there and I'm jerking off and I'm just climaxing and the door to the stall opens and it's my boss It's the showrunner Did he know you were jerking off?

[1930] And I doubled over and he went Oh, oh!

[1931] And he walked out and I waited like 15 minutes and I came back in the writer's room just looked at my computer and nothing said about it for like a week I'm like am I going to get fired and then we're talking every he's talking one day and somebody's talking about taking shit.

[1932] And he goes, Jesus, I walked in on Fitzsimmons the other day.

[1933] He was, he was, like, doubled over.

[1934] You know, I locked the door next time, and I was like, thank you.

[1935] You thought I was taking a shit.

[1936] Oh, that's so funny.

[1937] So you were sitting down jerking off?

[1938] Right, on the toilet seat.

[1939] Wow.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] Well, he thought you were just struggling.

[1942] He thought I was struggling.

[1943] Meanwhile, you're shooting one onto the floor.

[1944] Where were you coming?

[1945] I would take toilet paper and I'd put it over the crown.

[1946] and I would just kind of Oh yeah, that would look like you're about to wipe Like he walked in, you're about to wipe.

[1947] Wow, that's a very anal move to cover it with a load to cover your load with toilet papers.

[1948] You catch it, it never happened!

[1949] That's right.

[1950] You never see it, it never happened.

[1951] Shame be gone.

[1952] It's a good idea.

[1953] Let's do that at the end of a fleshlight should be all tissues to catch it.

[1954] Doesn't it seem like there should be a condom in a fleshlight that you can just remove like a liner?

[1955] Yeah, but then you'd lose the feeling That patented rubber is patented for a reason.

[1956] Yeah, it's too mushy to be that thin.

[1957] If it was that thin, it probably wouldn't feel like good.

[1958] You're no longer a spokesperson for the fleshlight, correct?

[1959] Why didn't you bring it up?

[1960] Yeah.

[1961] I'm sorry.

[1962] That was one of the things where more people told me not to do it than almost anything I've ever done.

[1963] More people like...

[1964] Do you regret it?

[1965] No. Why?

[1966] It doesn't...

[1967] It's something you fuck.

[1968] Who cares?

[1969] It's like the idea that it's evil or seedy or what are you pretending you don't like something touching your penis?

[1970] We're really pretending that or are we pretending it's only noble if you do it with your hands?

[1971] Right.

[1972] Are you allowed to use lube?

[1973] Are you allowed to do it?

[1974] No, no, no. You can only jerk off out of necessity.

[1975] You have to dry dick it.

[1976] In the shower.

[1977] You have to just be upset with yourself the entire time.

[1978] Let's just get this over with really quickly.

[1979] No, people look forward to jerking off.

[1980] And that's why there's a billion porn tapes out there.

[1981] And that's why fleshlights sell like hotcakes.

[1982] You know what's crazy is you think about all the sexual positions you'll have with your partner You're always trying to be creative Try something new, it's exciting And most people jerk up Most people, how the fuck do I know?

[1983] I know that I Don't try anything.

[1984] I was a teenager, you know I'd fuck everything You know, my pillow And now it's just like Same type of porn Usually the same spot Oh man Yeah Do you like did you get into the webcam stuff?

[1985] Have you tried that?

[1986] Never like the webcam.

[1987] I remember one time I had a date with this chick.

[1988] It was just after high school.

[1989] And I kind of had a thing for her in high school, but we never did anything.

[1990] And they were going to meet up.

[1991] And she was like DTF, like completely down to fuck.

[1992] And I was working.

[1993] I was doing construction.

[1994] And I was so horny thinking about it all day, because it's been a while since I got some, that I jerked off twice at work.

[1995] Jesus Christ.

[1996] I jerked off once in a bathroom.

[1997] One time I shot a load out of door.

[1998] working in an unfinished basement and it had like a basement door and I just looked around but then that night when I hooked up with the girl I could barely get it up I was tired from work because I had a construction job I was like at the end of the day you were beat and I was beating off all day so that made me tired and I just like my desire was gone I'd already come twice in a day like an idiot like once is a good move but twice is ridiculous I can't even do that I'm one time Charlie I was like, I was working this club early on.

[1999] I was like the opening act to Catch a Rising Star down in Princeton, New Jersey.

[2000] Oh, I remember that gig, yeah.

[2001] It's near the college.

[2002] Near the college, and you stayed in the hotel, and it was a beautiful hiat.

[2003] So it was a gig that all the New York comics liked.

[2004] You take the train an hour and 20 minutes down, and you stay in a nice hotel.

[2005] Good room.

[2006] Anyway, so there was this one chick, and, you know, there's always the one girl that people know.

[2007] Oh, yeah, when you're there, Jenny, she'll take care of you.

[2008] You know, she's the one that fucks comics.

[2009] So we go out to, like, a Red Robin restaurant after the show, and she's flirting with me, and she was, like, a physical therapist with short, blonde hair, and was really rock, hard body.

[2010] I'm taking my pants off right now.

[2011] Good rack.

[2012] Good solid rack.

[2013] And so she says, so we're talking, I go, well, you want to go to my...

[2014] She goes, I can't really go in the hotel because I work there.

[2015] And she goes, you know what, just let me in the back door.

[2016] So I let her in the back door, and she comes up to my room.

[2017] And she is, what do you call, down to fuck?

[2018] She is D -T -F.

[2019] T F. So she goes down and she blows me and I and I and I blast and then she she wants to make love with me too late and I and I and I for the only time of my life I couldn't keep it up and she got pissed and yelled at me and left.

[2020] She yelled at you.

[2021] Why she yelled?

[2022] Not yelled, but she was frustrated and disappointed in me and it came through.

[2023] Were you sober at the time?

[2024] Yeah.

[2025] So it's just you just had nothing left.

[2026] I just can't I can't do that.

[2027] I've never been able to do that That's funny that she got mad Yeah I would get mad too if I was a girl I get it Well that's why I always say like With oral sex there's no upside for women Right For us does it upside Because if we go down on her She's ready to rock after that Everyone's getting laid after you go down on her If she goes down on you Right You may just leave Oh so sad Sad to be a woman I know it is But Think of having babies growing up inside you.

[2028] That's the benefit.

[2029] That's the upside.

[2030] Yeah, if you give a guy a blowjob, you can't get it up again, but you can make people with your pussy.

[2031] Right.

[2032] Did you guys hear...

[2033] Virgin Airlines is doing comedy now on the actual airplane?

[2034] They used to do that on the flights to London, right?

[2035] Please tell me. Yeah, and you can go on their, like, Twitter page and to find out who's playing and stuff, but can you imagine that was your job?

[2036] Like, I'm playing for the next week in the air.

[2037] You know what?

[2038] That would be a bring a friend and videotape it and just do fucking crazy shit yeah that would be awesome remember the time me and joe got hired to do to just be funny at an aquarium in boston for a corporation it was like their christmas party and we got hired and we're like oh great we're gonna do stand up at this christmas party and then they tell us no no no just just walk around and do funny stuff like no one knew we were comedians because it was like you know a couple hundred people so everybody didn't know each other and like We're eating off people's plates and making fun of their ties.

[2039] And we were just, people fucking hated us.

[2040] It wasn't working.

[2041] Just to say for the record, I did not eat off anybody's plate.

[2042] But Greg did.

[2043] Greg did.

[2044] And a guy, he was just being funny with a big smile on his face.

[2045] Took a guy's strawberry.

[2046] And this guy wanted to kill him.

[2047] And I was like, oh, my God, this guy's going to hit him.

[2048] Something's going to go.

[2049] And the guy just goes, you're a fucking asshole.

[2050] Right.

[2051] And it was like, whoa.

[2052] Like, this got real.

[2053] So I just went in the corner and started.

[2054] eating fucking hors d' and then all of a sudden I hear on the loudspeaker I hear Joe on the he found the microphone and he's like attention any parent with a child with a blue sweater he's now floating in the shark tank please report to security and people thought it was real it was fucking I don't do we get kicked out or he just left something like that happened I know I didn't get paid I didn't get paid I don't think I got the whole thing was a mess we should it it should have never No one should have ever, like, got a bunch of 20 -year -old comedians and said, go do whatever you want to do at this aquarium.

[2055] It was terrible.

[2056] It was trying to be creative, trying something new.

[2057] Oh, you dummies.

[2058] I think the plane thing would be fine as long as you didn't have to be a part of the show.

[2059] Like, what if you're trying to get some work done?

[2060] And the guy's like, where are you from, sir?

[2061] And you're like, oh, no. I'm sorry.

[2062] I have an hour.

[2063] Oh, somebody's an asshole.

[2064] Doesn't want to play along.

[2065] Like, oh, I've got an hour.

[2066] I've got to work.

[2067] Things I have to do.

[2068] I didn't know I was going to have to react to you.

[2069] It's almost like you should be.

[2070] be in a soundproof booth and the people that want to hear you put on their headphones but if you don't want to hear it you can't hear it creepier like a whack -off booth you're a comedian and if you don't have the headphones you just like that's too complicated where do you think the comic would stand I guess the first class people would probably be pissed they'd be the most likely to say this is bullshit I don't want to see a fucking comedian I got to do my spreadsheet so maybe it would be like in the middle Like when first class separates to coach, they'll stand right there.

[2071] Right.

[2072] Do their little act.

[2073] Meanwhile, first class, if they want to do it right, I don't know if this has been done.

[2074] I think Playboy or Hooters had a plane at one point.

[2075] Hooters had a plane?

[2076] Yeah.

[2077] That was my dream to take it, but there was like one flight, and it was like Oklahoma to Florida.

[2078] It was totally booked all the time.

[2079] Oklahoma, like people would fly to Oklahoma just to fly to Florida.

[2080] Well, you know, I'm going to transfer over to Hooters.

[2081] Oh, my God, two -stop shop.

[2082] But imagine getting a lap dance in first class on a flight.

[2083] Oh, that would be so fucking great.

[2084] Red eyes.

[2085] Oh, that'd be amazing.

[2086] Because I could have, you know, five hours of really high -end strippers just walking around, gently giving lap dance.

[2087] No fucking Van Halen blasting.

[2088] Just cool, cool lap dances.

[2089] Clean feet.

[2090] Just like really slow music, nice and central.

[2091] Dark lights.

[2092] Throwing their tits in your face.

[2093] and just gently knocking them back and forth.

[2094] Why he sit there and go, ah.

[2095] The lap dance is a very strange creation.

[2096] It is.

[2097] Eddie Bravo has a fucking hilarious story about the birth of the lap dance.

[2098] He was working in a comedy club and he saw the lap dance become a feature.

[2099] And then before that, it was just the women would dance on stage.

[2100] Yeah.

[2101] And then it was like, well, we got a new thing.

[2102] You're going to be able to do lap dances.

[2103] And most of the girls were like, fuck that.

[2104] I'm not sitting on anybody.

[2105] fucking laugh.

[2106] It's a big line to cross.

[2107] Yeah, but one girl did.

[2108] And the first day, this one girl made just fucking ass piles of money.

[2109] And so after that, there was like one extra girl the next day, and then two girls, and then four, and before you know it, they were all doing it.

[2110] Yeah.

[2111] But it took a while.

[2112] It's just, they had to just start bringing in money.

[2113] And the only girl...

[2114] I mean, people would be, like, waiting in line to get lap dances from this one girl.

[2115] This one girl was just sitting on everybody's dick, bare pussy.

[2116] Like, they're allowed to do They're selling you dick, bare pussy.

[2117] Where?

[2118] Everywhere.

[2119] No shit.

[2120] Yeah, everywhere that doesn't serve alcohol.

[2121] Yeah, it's crazy.

[2122] Beautiful.

[2123] When I was in Montreal, and Montreal is pretty famous for the strip clubs.

[2124] And I was there for six nights.

[2125] I didn't go to one, and I just had no fucking...

[2126] I figured I might go.

[2127] Who knows?

[2128] People go as a group.

[2129] Right.

[2130] I don't know.

[2131] I think that...

[2132] You were over it?

[2133] I think I'm over it.

[2134] I don't know why.

[2135] I don't know if it's because I have a daughter or it just...

[2136] I don't know.

[2137] Mass parlorers are so much cheaper.

[2138] It is if you think about the actual, if you go to the right ones and get the actual result you're looking for.

[2139] How much does that cost?

[2140] Oh, it depends what you want.

[2141] What do you want?

[2142] He's going to jerk you off.

[2143] Oh, you mean you, there's some where you're going to go, okay, come on back.

[2144] They're going to open up that curtain.

[2145] Brian's got a table set up back there.

[2146] You'd get a lot more guests on the podcast.

[2147] He'd come back with a wig on.

[2148] There'd be like 10 guests in here every day.

[2149] Hand jobs places are more common.

[2150] But blowjob places are pretty easy.

[2151] And full -on sex places, there's about 20 that I know of here in Los Angeles.

[2152] 20?

[2153] Jesus.

[2154] And how much is it to go get a massage and a hand job?

[2155] Massage in a hand job.

[2156] You'll be in and out with an hour massage for like $80.

[2157] It would be nice if it also came with a magic wand.

[2158] You press just the back of their head and they forget everything that happened.

[2159] Yeah.

[2160] If they develop the ability to zap someone and you'll lose the last 30 minutes of memory, just complete full erasure.

[2161] Oh, you don't want the, you don't want the masseuse.

[2162] remembering who you are?

[2163] Well, you could sneak out that way.

[2164] You don't have to feel a shame.

[2165] Like, nothing ever happened.

[2166] Right, right, right.

[2167] You don't want to knows.

[2168] Nothing ever happened.

[2169] Wait, so how does that work?

[2170] They usually say, I go to, I go to massage places that are like $39, $45.

[2171] Those are the places usually.

[2172] Do those places offer the happy ending?

[2173] Well, like I've said before, you can go to rubmaps .com to find out exactly which places to go to.

[2174] Rub maps.

[2175] Rub, like RUB.

[2176] Rub you dig.

[2177] Yes.

[2178] Don't go to RugMaps.

[2179] Yeah, this is.

[2180] is a confusing fucking website.

[2181] What is Brian Redband talking about?

[2182] Right.

[2183] But most places, dude, the big thing is that when you usually go to these $40 places, you're usually keeping your underwear on.

[2184] You're usually putting a towel over you.

[2185] You're not doing anything to make them think that you want anything different.

[2186] So what you do is the easiest thing is just to take off all your clothes.

[2187] That's the big thing.

[2188] Like, just take it all off, throw all your towels on the floor, you know, just let her put a towel on you if she wants to.

[2189] And then if she'll start rubbing it, you know, and then just kind of like, you know, move around a little.

[2190] I'm not looking to do it.

[2191] I'm wondering how it works.

[2192] He's giving a seminar on how to get jerked off at a really seedy massage power.

[2193] And does she say it'll cost you this much?

[2194] Usually it's just given like you just tip.

[2195] Like you just look if she's going to give you a hand job that's like 40 bucks.

[2196] It's kind of like a law like you know 40 bucks.

[2197] But what if you only gave her 10?

[2198] Blow jobs 80, sex is 100.

[2199] What?

[2200] If you just gave her 10 would she say something?

[2201] Maybe.

[2202] Some places as well.

[2203] She probably would if she's an older person.

[2204] A lot of the older ladies, they've been around so long.

[2205] Their hands are the softest.

[2206] Oh, God.

[2207] He's doing material now.

[2208] No, not.

[2209] It's true.

[2210] They have the softest hands in the road.

[2211] It's like a little kid's hand.

[2212] They've been jerking guys off forever.

[2213] That's like climbing up a rope for a year of your life.

[2214] But opposite.

[2215] Yeah.

[2216] It's opposite?

[2217] Yeah, because it's just skin and oils.

[2218] That's right.

[2219] There's oil on her hand every day.

[2220] She's rubbing it back and forth.

[2221] But it doesn't matter.

[2222] You can't, your skin gets more brittle as you get old.

[2223] There's no way to get around it.

[2224] You can't get around it with soaking it in oil.

[2225] They're going to have a leathery old softball mitt.

[2226] That's why you got to do.

[2227] Greasy, leathery softball mitt jerking you up.

[2228] It's like Tom Costa soup.

[2229] That's why you should have them use their feet.

[2230] Why is it that someone's breath, like someone with stinky breath is one of the worst turnoffs in the history of the world?

[2231] Without a doubt.

[2232] If someone's talking to you and their breath stinks, I mean, even like for having a conversation with someone, even non -sexual.

[2233] But if you're attracted to a girl and you start talking to her, breath stinks, like, oh, God.

[2234] Game over.

[2235] What do you do?

[2236] Do you tell her?

[2237] Do you try to be polite?

[2238] That's funny you say that because I had a really good friend for a lot of years, and she was cute.

[2239] You know, she was like a solid seven and a half to eight.

[2240] But she had shit breath?

[2241] Shit breath.

[2242] Great personality.

[2243] fucking single no dates and her breath stank and I didn't know I think I erred in not just anonymously sending her a note or an email you never told her I never told her I never said anything and you know a lot of times I think it's probably like tooth decay or something yes ginger vitus I mean if it smells like an antique book store that's usually means that you have some kind of like ginger vitus shit well it's a bit of like a rotting smell yeah it's really bad I mean people with like if you have um i had a root canal once i had an old filling i'd crack my tooth and then they'd filled it in but then someone under the filling it started to go bad so they had drill in and give me a root canal and as he went through the tooth it popped into the the recess and it made this horrible smell it was so nasty man it like i could smell like rot i go oh i go is that like the rotten tooth that smells like that he goes yeah that's what they smell like when you open them up I go, that's nasty.

[2244] Whoa.

[2245] Yeah.

[2246] And that's just living in your gums.

[2247] Inside my tooth.

[2248] Like, you had a drill through my tooth.

[2249] I had cracked underneath.

[2250] I have some cracks on my teeth from lifting weights.

[2251] Gritting your teeth?

[2252] Yeah.

[2253] Oh, my God.

[2254] Yeah, like, I went to the doctor once and the dentist, and he was like, do you, like, do you, like, grind your teeth at night when you sleep?

[2255] Like, if you're in a car accident?

[2256] Like, your teeth are all cracked.

[2257] Like, and then I go, no. He goes, do you lift weights?

[2258] And I go, yeah.

[2259] He goes, okay.

[2260] You've got to get a mouthpiece or something.

[2261] Look what you're doing your teeth.

[2262] And he shows me like this microscopic view of my teeth.

[2263] They're all cracked, like all over the top of them.

[2264] And so apparently one of the filters had gotten, like, loose or something and some deposits or somehow or another gotten through the bottom of the filter, like there had been an opening somehow or another, just enough to get the party started.

[2265] And that's all you need is some form of decay underneath a filling or inside a gum line and then just rots right through.

[2266] Dude, this tooth right here got knocked out when I was about 15 years old, and they did a root canal and put this cap on.

[2267] Fucking 31 years later, no problem, strong as it ever was.

[2268] Wow.

[2269] And it's a bottom tooth, so you don't really see it.

[2270] Mike Goldberg, the guy I do the UFC with, he's got his front teeth.

[2271] They had to actually, like, drill posts.

[2272] I think he got him knocked out playing hockey.

[2273] Yeah, mine has a post.

[2274] That's right, yeah.

[2275] But his was, like, he had one that was clip on with a, magnet for a while when they were in the middle of doing it have you seen those really yeah man slide on it like clink who would clip on with a magnet you're like what the hell like you know like a piece of metal in his fucking jaw like this screwed in there like the base for this and it has to sit there for a while right is that what the deal is it has to grow into your bone yeah it actually has to mend it with your your bone yeah titanium rod no i'm telling you they they put a post on this i it has no wiggle whatsoever after all these years they can make you some badass tea That's nice It's the saddest thing in the world When people have no fucking teeth Yeah And it's expensive too And then if you get a bad job done Then fucking you get coffee stains on it Or if you smoke And it's a different color I had a friend I had a friend who was a pool player His name was Mount Vernon Tommy He was like One of the best pool players Around White Plains New York Like would gamble Like spend like all of his money He worked as a dispatch guy For a tax gab company And he worked like insane hours like 20 hours a day 16 days in a row and build up a pile of cash and then come in and play pool no shit trying to put together a bank roll so i can get some action he didn't have a tooth in his mouth and this poor guy you used to he used to like occasionally i got me a filet manion i go how do you eat how do you eat your steak and he goes well yeah it's kind of a problem i can't chew it up so what i do is i just put in a blender blend it all up nice and then i just eat it like that no shit he literally couldn't chew anything he had zero to teeth.

[2276] He had no teeth.

[2277] What happened to his teeth?

[2278] Just disease?

[2279] Could be anything.

[2280] It could be fights.

[2281] I'm sure lost some in fights.

[2282] Bad dental hygiene.

[2283] You know, there was a time where people just weren't brushing their fucking teeth all the time, some people, you know.

[2284] And this guy was, you know, a part of that.

[2285] He just had terrible teeth hygiene.

[2286] Lost all his teeth.

[2287] How often you floss?

[2288] I never floss.

[2289] You never floss.

[2290] Never floss.

[2291] I brush his shit out of my teeth, but I don't floss.

[2292] Floss like once a week.

[2293] Do you?

[2294] Once a week?

[2295] If I have a steak dinner, if I feel like I, I got like a couple of spaces between my molars.

[2296] And every meat meal, I got a nice fucking chunk.

[2297] And I'll try to suck it out sometimes for 35 minutes, you know, just going after it, sucking, sucking.

[2298] And then when it comes out, it's like so tender.

[2299] You know, it's like been completely tenderized in your molars and then you chew it with your front teeth and it's delicious.

[2300] I was watching this special or it was a television show on these bear hunters.

[2301] They were going hunting grizzly bears.

[2302] It's a very strange thing to watch because part of you is like, man, I don't know.

[2303] Like, you're not even going to eat that.

[2304] Like, you're shooting this animal for its pelt.

[2305] Like, this is fucking crazy.

[2306] And then the other part, when you see the actual animal dead and you look at its jaw, you open its mouth, and you see these fucking massive teeth of this enormous head, and it just really puts in a perspective how weird teeth are.

[2307] Right.

[2308] You know, we have these flat.

[2309] flat, stupid, shitty ones that crack real easy.

[2310] This motherfucker is something that can eat trees.

[2311] These are giant swords, like, embedded in his brain.

[2312] You know, these huge fucking slicing swords that are attached to his face.

[2313] With a jaw that could crush a fucking anvil.

[2314] They're just incredibly powerful.

[2315] Meanwhile, I'm kind of on the bare side.

[2316] That's what's fucked up.

[2317] I'm watching this.

[2318] I'm like, I don't It's, man, unless you have to manage a population, like you're having a problem with them, like, killing people's animals or going after people.

[2319] Like, you're going to a place where there's no people and you're fucking up these bears.

[2320] Right.

[2321] It's like a weird short, if you're eating it, I get it.

[2322] I get it.

[2323] If you want to eat black bear, people eat black bear.

[2324] But I don't think people really eat grizzly bears.

[2325] I think they only shoot them for their pelt.

[2326] I think they probably taste like shit.

[2327] You should find out of it.

[2328] Oh, it's like a miracle, man. A beast like that or a lion when you see.

[2329] see them, it's just like it's nature expressing itself in the coolest fucking way but still terrifying like did you there's a story about these Japanese soldiers that had to enter these mangrove swamps and I'm not sure where it happened I put it on my Twitter two days ago it's a terrifying fucking story a thousand soldiers one of these swamps and 20 got out they were all eaten by crocodiles and there had no there was no there was nothing to do but just keep going and so all around them they're hearing thrashing where a crocodile will grab a guy and then you hear screams that eventually go underwater where the crock is like flipping them and rolling them and it's pitch black so it's pitch black and these guys are walking through crocodile infested swamps a thousand men went in 20 got out.

[2330] How long ago?

[2331] In 1940s?

[2332] Let me find it.

[2333] Yeah.

[2334] You're going to shit your pants.

[2335] It is a crazy fucking story.

[2336] Yeah, somebody should compile the ten events in life that most resemble what hell would be.

[2337] Yeah, here it is.

[2338] I should give the guy props who sent it to me. A dude named Van Dave.

[2339] Van Dave sent it to me. And so Death in the Swamps of Ramory is the article.

[2340] It's on my Twitter feed from 15 hours ago.

[2341] So it was in Burma The rolling jungles of Burma So in World War II These Japanese soldiers Went into southern Burma And between 900 and 1 ,000 Imperial Infantry They retreated approximately 10 miles Through the mangrove swamps In an effort to sink up With a larger defensive force And this is a fucking I don't want to read you too much of this This is a fucking crazy story It says the scattered rifle shot in the pitch black swamp, punctured by the screams of wounded men, then crushed in the jaws of huge reptiles, and the blurred worrying sound of spinning crocodiles made for a cacophony of hell that has rarely been duplicated on earth.

[2342] At dawn, the vultures arrived to clean up what the crocodiles had left.

[2343] Of about a thousand Japanese soldiers that had entered the swamps of Ramri, only 20 were found alive.

[2344] What a great way of describing that.

[2345] scattered rifle shots.

[2346] Who wrote that?

[2347] Gary Mortensen.

[2348] Somebody asked it that good writer.

[2349] Is it an excerpt from a book?

[2350] No, no, it's just a historical account.

[2351] World War II history.

[2352] That's incredible.

[2353] World War II history blog.

[2354] It's a World War II blog, World WarI