The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 1

[0] Universal Pictures, R -rated comedy, Strays, is the presenting sponsor of The Lost Hans and Franz movie, a special Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend miniseries.

[1] Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie.

[2] Check out Strays in theaters, August 18th.

[3] Hey, welcome to a very special edition of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[4] I am thrilled that we are here.

[5] This is unique.

[6] This is a real occasion.

[7] Yes.

[8] You're all, of course, familiar with Hans and Franz.

[9] Dana Carvey, Kevin Ewan's classic bodybuilder characters from SNL.

[10] These were monsters.

[11] These were monster characters.

[12] Everyone was doing the Hans and Franz all across America.

[13] It was big.

[14] It was a big deal.

[15] But a lesser -known fact is that Dana, Kevin, Robert Smigel, and myself wrote a feature -length Hans and Franz movie way back in the Year of Our Lord 1991.

[16] It was a musical.

[17] It was an incredible video.

[18] and it was shockingly never made.

[19] The only movie based on S &L characters that wasn't turned into a movie.

[20] No one has ever seen or heard this script, dot, dot, dot, until today.

[21] I am here in studio with Dana Carvey, Kevin Neeland, and Robert Smigel.

[22] This is the first time any of them have spoken to each other since the movie fell apart.

[23] Everyone in this room has refused to speak to each other, but now we've come together.

[24] Put aside our differences.

[25] Put aside our differences.

[26] And we're going to read selections from Hans and Franz, The Girlie Man Dilemma.

[27] A title you probably couldn't use today.

[28] Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma.

[29] Remember, it was 1991.

[30] We're safe.

[31] We're going to read this more than 30 years after we wrote it.

[32] Gentlemen, first of all, I'm thrilled that we could all be here.

[33] Dana, Kevin, Robert.

[34] How are you guys doing?

[35] Kevin?

[36] Well, I'm just, I'm over the moon to be here.

[37] Yeah.

[38] To see that you are still in the business.

[39] Thank you, Kevin.

[40] Stuff that we predicted in 1991.

[41] Yeah.

[42] No, it's nice that we could come together.

[43] I wanted to sort of set the table first before we begin, explaining a little bit of the background of what we're doing here, okay?

[44] First of all, we're going to read this script, scenes from the movie.

[45] We're not going to read the whole movie.

[46] Yeah, the whole movie would be over six hours long.

[47] But what we're going to do is we're going to start by reading an opening sequence first.

[48] We have some Team Coco staffers in the back that are going to help us with some smaller roles.

[49] Sonom of Sessian, Matt Gourley, David Hoping, and Matt Powers are going to be assisting in smaller roles helping us out.

[50] No role is too small.

[51] No role is too.

[52] No, that's not true.

[53] Some roles are very small.

[54] In fact, I'm reading one of the small roles.

[55] But I'm also going to be reading stage direction.

[56] And, of course, Hans and Franz will be played by, of course, appropriately, by Hans and Franz, Dana and Kevin and Robert, you will be playing the part of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[57] We didn't get Arnold?

[58] What's that?

[59] No, Arnold's here.

[60] We couldn't get to meet Arnold.

[61] We couldn't.

[62] He's a pleasure to be here.

[63] Wow.

[64] What an honor.

[65] Arnold just walked in.

[66] This is incredible.

[67] Get down.

[68] Get down.

[69] Finally, it's a colonel of Brian needs.

[70] woman friend podcast.

[71] Arnold, amazing that you would just wander in without even being invading.

[72] You're amazing that I would just wandering.

[73] You're so animated.

[74] No, I'm I can't believe I'm in the studio in Larchmont.

[75] I'm pinching myself.

[76] Settle down, Robert.

[77] Yeah, okay.

[78] All right.

[79] Oh, yeah, he's good.

[80] We don't want him mad at us.

[81] Oh, right, right, right.

[82] Let me point out quickly that Robert, for many, many years on my late night show was the voice in the clutch cargos of Arnold Schwarzenegger, which was one of our biggest hit characters.

[83] He would always come down and I would start interviewing him and it would always end up with him yelling at me. And you always start with him yelling at you as well.

[84] Yeah, exactly.

[85] Sort of the beginning, middle and the end.

[86] Yes.

[87] I thought you looked familiar, man. Thanks, man. And Robert.

[88] Mouth of Arnold.

[89] Robert always had, this is how low tech it was.

[90] To create a little gap in his teeth, he'd put a little piece of electrical tape.

[91] Electric tape.

[92] In front of his two front teeth.

[93] And always, in the middle of every bit, it would start to come off.

[94] And then we would deconstruct it.

[95] And I'd say, Arnold, dear, your teeth are I, don't look.

[96] Don't, I have my gap is delicious.

[97] How would we explain this impression to, like, Rich Little or something?

[98] I know.

[99] No, this is our Arnold.

[100] It was an imprecisionist, I used to call me. Yes, exactly.

[101] Conan, I'm a little confused.

[102] Yeah.

[103] You said you were going to set the table.

[104] When is that going to happen?

[105] Not literally set a table.

[106] Oh, I thought we were having a lunch.

[107] or something.

[108] I thought I'm surprised.

[109] All right, so that's what's happening is...

[110] We should explain to people under 25 who Hans and Franz are.

[111] Hans and Franz, and I think we should quickly, and I know that I have my minders who are sitting in the room glaring at me that I keep this thing on the track.

[112] This is going to take place over multiple episodes.

[113] We're going to read different scenes and we'll take you through everything.

[114] We're going to start reading the opening sequence in just a bit.

[115] But just to tell you, Hans and Franz, it was a big deal on SNL.

[116] Kevin, where did the idea come from?

[117] Because you were watching television, I believe, once, weren't you?

[118] I was in a hotel room in Des Moines, Iowa, I believe it was.

[119] We were on tour with Dana and me. And I was watching up close and personal with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[120] And he would talk about, you know, what he does when he gets into town?

[121] They were asking, what do you do when you get into town?

[122] Well, you know, if I get into the nice light cotton shirt, I go out on the town.

[123] I have some fun.

[124] Then I come back to the hotel room.

[125] I get into the nice light cotton sheets.

[126] And I called Dane and I said Dane, you got to watch this.

[127] And we were both laughing at it.

[128] And then for the rest of the tour, drove Dennis crazy.

[129] We're talking like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[130] And it was the precision and the positivity.

[131] So Kevin told me that.

[132] I laughed.

[133] And it was just, it became a poem we did ad nauseum.

[134] It was like, you get to the hotel, you do the stairs, you get a light sweat.

[135] You take a nice warm shower.

[136] You put on a light white cotton shirt and you're ready for the evening.

[137] It always went to you're ready for the evening.

[138] You're ready for the evening.

[139] You're ready for the evening.

[140] It's all the preparation.

[141] So you two are doing this back and forth, and then eventually this becomes Hans and Franz, these two characters who want to pump you up.

[142] Arnold's cousins.

[143] Arnold's cousins.

[144] And they're constantly talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and became a very popular SNL sketch.

[145] But also they're very defensive.

[146] Yes.

[147] And they try to cut people down before they mock them.

[148] Well, they're paranoid and delusional.

[149] Yeah.

[150] Aggressive.

[151] What was it now?

[152] Believe me now and hear me later.

[153] me now.

[154] That was Kevin's.

[155] Hear me now and believe me later.

[156] If you think you're so smart, you know, why don't you come and do it?

[157] We do no way.

[158] It's not going to happen.

[159] Yeah.

[160] They're on a cable TV show with like three viewers and they're threatening them.

[161] And they never show any feats of strength or lift anything.

[162] And so, let me tell you them.

[163] If you doubt this, we can easily, easily, very easy, come to your house.

[164] And you'll see in the script what that we've got.

[165] Dan and I never laughed more than we were writing these characters for hours.

[166] Because they were just so.

[167] Fun So then you guys, and we'll talk about this how it came about, but, uh, but suddenly, didn't we?

[168] No, no, no, how that those are the characters.

[169] Then there was the idea for the movie.

[170] Right.

[171] Right.

[172] That was way later.

[173] Yeah, it was several years later.

[174] And, uh, and I think you guys talked to Robert and Robert talked to me and we agreed we would try and write this thing.

[175] So let's take you now.

[176] I think we should begin.

[177] Um, let's just do a scene, see what happens.

[178] Yeah.

[179] I don't know if I can follow that.

[180] I'll read the stage directions.

[181] And, uh, this is remind me, am I Franz?

[182] And he is Hans, right?

[183] You know, no one...

[184] And you are there to pump other people up.

[185] No one ever knew which one was Hans and which one was Franz.

[186] Okay, here I take you now to Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma.

[187] Here we go.

[188] Interior, cable TV studio, Hans and Franz.

[189] Two crew cut Austrian bodybuilders with great sweatsuits are on the set of their program.

[190] Yolet.

[191] Welcome to pumping up with Hans and Franz.

[192] The informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

[193] Welcome, we're back.

[194] As always, don't try to adjust your TV sets.

[195] This is our actual stars.

[196] Yeah, that's right.

[197] Yeah, you're looking at two of the most massive muscle gods you'll ever see in your life.

[198] Yeah, because I am armed.

[199] And I am France, and we want to pump, you are.

[200] We followed the message of our cousin, the greatest bodybuilder in the world.

[201] Yeah, maybe you've heard of him?

[202] Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[203] As they continue, occasionally cut to glazed indifferent cameramen and technicians all out of shape.

[204] Hear me now and believe me later.

[205] We could easily grab your love handles and strass them around you like a bag so you can carry yourself out of the garbage.

[206] Cut to, cute card man, holding a card reading, yeah, because that's where trash like you belongs.

[207] Yeah, because that's what trash like you belongs.

[208] Interior, a bedroom, same.

[209] Rob Lowe, as his character from Wayne's World, is in bed with a woman.

[210] She holds remote control.

[211] Wait a minute.

[212] Keep it on this for a minute.

[213] Interior, studio, same.

[214] All right, let's bring out our guest.

[215] Helmut, a flabby, shirtless Austrian man joins Hans and Franz.

[216] He appears painfully resigned.

[217] This is helmet, a typical person.

[218] Helmut is what you would become if you're lazy.

[219] Interior, Rob Lowe's bedroom, same.

[220] Nah, this sucks.

[221] He flips to another channel.

[222] exterior ugly white brick apartment building the next morning interior hans and franz's studio apartment same a cuckoo clock wakes up hans and franz asleep in their bunk beds several arnold posters hang from the walls many frame signs with slogans no pain no gain if it doesn't hurt it doesn't help believe me etc music cheerful morning hans slides out of the top bunk stepping into franz's hand stirrups they are in their pajamas and weight belts bathroom door hans is knocking to come in.

[223] Come on, Franz.

[224] Interior bathroom.

[225] Franz is flexing in front of the mirror.

[226] Exterior bathroom.

[227] Let's go.

[228] There are some other people in this house that need to flex.

[229] Interior living room later, Hans is watering and berating a sickly plant on the windowsill.

[230] Come on, you lazy charanium.

[231] Whatever that's called.

[232] Grow.

[233] Look how scrawny you are.

[234] Yeah, I could very easily pull you out by your skinny roots.

[235] Yeah, you look more like a daisy.

[236] Is that what you want?

[237] He's yelling.

[238] They're yelling at a plant.

[239] Yes.

[240] I'm sorry.

[241] Danny, a gangly nervous student who lives next door, arrives at their entrance.

[242] Uh, guys.

[243] Yeah.

[244] Yeah, yeah.

[245] Can you keep it down?

[246] I'm just trying to work on my thesis.

[247] Yeah, look.

[248] How long are you going to be finished with that?

[249] Yeah, yeah.

[250] You're going to be needing this quiet business.

[251] Uh, yeah, I'm sorry.

[252] I just hit on this whole new verbal dynamic.

[253] Yeah, look, we'd love to chat and engage in guys.

[254] early talk.

[255] But now we have an appointment with a station manager.

[256] Interior, TV executive office later.

[257] Two young executives are seated opposite Hans and Franz.

[258] Everyone is uncomfortable.

[259] It's just that Martin Luther King is a real hero in our society.

[260] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[261] So, to describe him as flabby, he is.

[262] Well, that's not the issue.

[263] What you said was offensive.

[264] English, please.

[265] Look, we've just gotten a lot of calls and a lot of pressure to pull your show.

[266] You pulling our show?

[267] From television?

[268] We're sorry.

[269] There is a pause.

[270] Look.

[271] Your suits.

[272] You sit down and make decisions in your suits.

[273] And you don't know what the people want, you know?

[274] The people.

[275] You suits.

[276] Yeah, suits.

[277] So does that change your mind?

[278] No. Exterior TV studio, Hans and Franz, Millabout outside the TV studio dejected.

[279] This phases of our lives is over.

[280] It's time to start from Sky.

[281] Yeah, you're getting touch with that roots.

[282] Let's bring a snack.

[283] Let's hear you're a subway car later.

[284] Hans and Franz are in a modern subway car gnawing on a large ham.

[285] All right, so that is, that's the opening scene, Hans and Franz.

[286] Here's what I can recall.

[287] I had left Saturday Night Live, and I was out in Los Angeles working on the Simpsons when Robert called me and said, let's write the Hans and Franz movie.

[288] Well, we had already been writing some of it, I think.

[289] Me and Kevin.

[290] We weren't going anywhere with it.

[291] We did the first, like a lot of the early stuff.

[292] And I just said, I think it would be great to add Conan to the mix, especially.

[293] And the second half with Arnold and stuff, there's so much great details that you added to this movie that are so funny.

[294] He just wanted to keep using the names Homer and Bart and everything.

[295] It didn't go with our script.

[296] That is not true.

[297] It's not true.

[298] But anyway, what I remember is we all.

[299] got together on a lot.

[300] Was it the, which lot was it?

[301] It was Sony?

[302] Was it Sony or?

[303] So we had an office and what I remember most clearly is we would get there.

[304] Robert and I would get there and Dana was pretty prompt.

[305] Kevin would usually show up just a little late and at the time you always had a giant shake of some kind of, you were slim fast.

[306] It was slim fast and you were always sipping on this giant bottle like a baby.

[307] I'm still doing it today.

[308] Yeah, yeah.

[309] And he also, he also, I remember, especially in the early state, you always have these prepared, this prepared food that was like Jenny Craig.

[310] That was Jenny Craig.

[311] Jenny Craig.

[312] So you mixed Slim Fast with Jenny Craig.

[313] Well, I could kill you.

[314] I did.

[315] But also, I had Weight Watchers in my freezer.

[316] So I did the three of those.

[317] I gained so much weight.

[318] Yeah.

[319] It's like a Mormon diet diet.

[320] That's right.

[321] That's right.

[322] That's right.

[323] The weight watch woman would come to my house because I would get the VIP treatment and she didn't know I had I had Jenny Craig in the freezer and I love Weight Watchers and then you know I said I got to go to the bathroom I go into my freezer and get a little Jenny Craig out and then come back out I thought it was more like Chinese food and stuff but didn't you have like bowls of things I didn't know you I didn't know you guys are keeping track of what I was eating and how I'm saying this is the biggest memory of the whole script right it was Kevin's food I was never a little late I was the first one there with Smigel.

[324] I don't remember him being a late type of person.

[325] I don't even remember you two guys writing.

[326] I just remember him being over.

[327] Okay.

[328] Now you've gone too far.

[329] No, you have gone too far.

[330] But I was always trying to get time off from The Simpsons.

[331] I remembered they would always keep that writer's room kind of late.

[332] And we would try and grab time on weekends.

[333] I would try and grab any time I could to go off to Sony to work on this ridiculous, silly movie.

[334] And one of the things that a sensible person would have done, if we had been sensible, because we're getting to Arnold Schwarzenegger, is to write a movie that maybe Arnold has a quick cameo in, because Arnold at the time was the biggest movie star in the world.

[335] What we did, which shocks me now upon rereading it, as I remembered Arnold was in it, but I forgot that Arnold is in it more than anybody.

[336] And so we hung the entire project.

[337] But didn't this kind of come from Arnold on some level?

[338] Like, I remember hearing this from you guys that Arnold wants to be in a Hans and Franz movie with you.

[339] He was on Hans and Franz on Saturday Night Live.

[340] Loved it.

[341] Loved it.

[342] There's reasons why it didn't work out.

[343] We can get to those later.

[344] Yeah, no. But he loved it.

[345] We thought he did want to have a major part of it.

[346] And at the time, he hadn't really done anything like this yet.

[347] And he was interested in it.

[348] And I remember that.

[349] And I remembered thinking, well, if Arnold also, the allure of if Arnold says, yes, this is going to get made.

[350] so we can make this as silly as we want because he's going to, if Arnold says yes, all the craziness is going to happen.

[351] Exactly.

[352] And I also, I have to admit that when Dana and Kevin first approached me with the idea of doing a Hans and Franz movie, my first reaction was, what a horrible idea.

[353] Because there's such one -dimensional characters in theory.

[354] So my first thought was, well, what if we made in a musical?

[355] That'll kill like, you know, 25 minutes.

[356] That's less plot.

[357] And it's fun to see them sing, and then these guys said, you guys had this idea that they're going to go to Hollywood and they're going to interact with Arnold.

[358] And I was like, okay, that makes sense because then the second half of the movie can be almost like a parody of Arnold's life.

[359] Right.

[360] And so that's...

[361] And that was so much fun.

[362] That was an incredible fun.

[363] We got to create what we hoped Arnold's life was like in our cartoonish, childish brain.

[364] Oh yeah.

[365] I mean, we'll get to those scenes.

[366] I think the war room I'm coming up on that.

[367] That's a big, very heavily Conan.

[368] And I think Austria was really made me happy.

[369] Whenever that emerged.

[370] Was that your idea, a little Austria?

[371] I love that idea.

[372] The cable car going up there?

[373] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[374] That's a scene.

[375] We might write that scene.

[376] It was fun, though.

[377] It was fun to get together and work on this thing.

[378] This was so much fun.

[379] Just because the characters, it's like the way you guys say, when you laugh, when you would write these, you just can't stop laughing because they're just so high energy and so stupid at the same time.

[380] Well, the rhythms are, yeah, you guys are trying to read the script, but you're not very successful, are you?

[381] And also, you remember that we wrote, I mean, we all did, but we wrote at that hotel in Santa Monica, that kind of retro place.

[382] Yes, I remember that.

[383] Because I had pictures of you.

[384] I sketched of you laying in the couch playing with your shoe.

[385] Yeah, I used to take, when I was thinking, I used to take off.

[386] Your wingtips.

[387] I used to wear jeans with old wingtip shoes from like an Army Navy store.

[388] And I would take off one of the shoes and just look at it when I was thinking.

[389] And you drew a sketch of it, which ended up in your book.

[390] In my book, called I exaggerate, my brushes with fame.

[391] It's available wherever fantastic books are sold.

[392] Yep.

[393] And that plug is the only reason Kevin agreed to come in.

[394] Thanks, guys.

[395] I'll see you later.

[396] We got it out of the way.

[397] You took a long time to work up to it, bro.

[398] We mentioned earlier this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays.

[399] We're very excited to have Strays as our sponsor.

[400] Now, Sona, I understand that you and Blay got an early screening of this movie.

[401] Tell me, what did you think?

[402] Oh, I loved it.

[403] It was awesome.

[404] I miss raunchy comedies.

[405] This is a fun, raunchy comedy.

[406] It's really actually laugh out loud funny.

[407] I saw the trailer, which looked funny.

[408] They're using live action dogs.

[409] Yes.

[410] But with great comedy personalities doing the voices.

[411] Will Ferrell plays the main dog.

[412] Yeah, then Jamie Fox.

[413] Yeah.

[414] Isle Fisher, who's really funny.

[415] Randall Park.

[416] And Randall Park, who's awesome.

[417] And they're like the four.

[418] They're the core dogs.

[419] And Will Forte.

[420] is in the movie as Will Ferrell's owner and Will Forte is just a total douche but Will Ferrell plays that plays this character where he kind of is an innocent like oh my God he loves me but like clearly the Will Forte does not love his dog at all and it was oh my God it's also really smart some of my favorite jokes are like at one point when the dogs goes to the other dogs hey you guys went in hearing a knock knock joke and they go yeah and she goes knock knock and they'll start barking, which is really good.

[421] And there's this whole thing about the theory that Jamie Fox's dog has about humans, they collect all the dogs, all the dog shit, because they make it into chocolate, which is why they won't let dogs eat chocolate.

[422] It's really great.

[423] So, yeah, Blay likes all the smart humor.

[424] I like all the poo -poo -pipi jokes in it.

[425] And there's a lot of that, and it's really, really funny.

[426] Well, it's not a kid's movie.

[427] It is rated at all.

[428] No, no, not a kid's movie.

[429] It's great.

[430] But it is from the humans who brought you, Cocaine Bear, and 21 Jump Street.

[431] It's important to remember.

[432] So I'll repeat again.

[433] The movie stars Will Ferrell, Jimmy Fox, Ila Fisher, and Randall Parks.

[434] Good cast.

[435] Check out Strays only in theaters, August 18th.

[436] These dogs don't give a sit.

[437] Yeah.

[438] Oh, right.

[439] I get it.

[440] All right, let's read to the next scene we're going to read, and we'll begin right now.

[441] There we go.

[442] After losing their TV show, Hans and Franz, head back to Little U .S. Austria to start humble new careers there.

[443] Instead, their grandma inspires them to follow in their cousin Arnold Schwarzenegger's footsteps and become Hollywood stars.

[444] They also meet their friend Rolf, who seems to be hatching an evil scheme involving girly men.

[445] Okay, exterior highway day, beauty shots of Hans and Franz riding their tandem bikes on the highway.

[446] A sign reads Hollywood 363 miles.

[447] They notice it and press on determinedly.

[448] Cross -dissolve Hans and Franz biking, grim -faced with passing road signs.

[449] Smithsonian Institute, Liberty Bell, Gettysburg Memorial.

[450] They ignore them and ride on.

[451] The next sign reads, Vienna Wonderland.

[452] They turn off the highway.

[453] Dissolve to exterior highway later.

[454] They are back on their tandem bike.

[455] Their knapsacks are stuffed with large, bulky, corny souvenirs.

[456] Okay.

[457] What loser am I?

[458] What sensory did you live in?

[459] 19.

[460] How flabby were you?

[461] I was 40 pounds.

[462] overweight.

[463] Lewis pastor?

[464] You're getting too good.

[465] All right.

[466] One loser am I. Will you?

[467] Will you pass shapes or completely round?

[468] God, I want to play that game.

[469] All right.

[470] Exterior, small town laundromat, day.

[471] Hans and Franz pedal up to the entrance.

[472] Interior laundromat, same.

[473] Hans and Franz are in their long underwear, shoving their sweatsuits into a washing machine.

[474] A few nearby customers hold their nose.

[475] Cut to Hans and Franz later removing their sweatsuits from a dryer.

[476] They have shrunk noticeably.

[477] Oh, this is unbelievable.

[478] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[479] This is not the proper size.

[480] An older woman at the next dryer has noticed them.

[481] That's what happens, these machines.

[482] You put your clothes in.

[483] You don't know what's coming out.

[484] They don't take care of these machines.

[485] Yeah, yeah.

[486] You're not going to get your money back.

[487] I'll tell you that.

[488] They don't care.

[489] Yeah, they don't care.

[490] Yeah.

[491] Yeah, they don't care.

[492] Yeah, well, anyway, you know, we should go.

[493] We're going to Hollywood.

[494] Yeah.

[495] Can't be any worse than this.

[496] Highway later, Hans and Franz are now joined by the older woman on the tandem bike.

[497] There are now, somehow, three seats and three wheels.

[498] Interior truck stop diner later, Hans, Franz, and the older woman are seated in a booth ordering from a waitress.

[499] Are any of these foods designed for building sheer mass?

[500] Just what's on the menu, sir.

[501] Okay.

[502] I'll have an anabolic amino -snitzel sandwich with extra egg yolk.

[503] We don't serve that sandwich, sir.

[504] We have a tuna or chicken salad.

[505] You're saying you don't make substitutions?

[506] A huge truck driver with two of his buddies belly up to the counter next to Hans and Franz.

[507] Lorraine, these characters are giving you trouble?

[508] I can handle it, boo.

[509] Yeah, boo.

[510] Yeah, boo.

[511] She can handle it, too.

[512] Yeah.

[513] Good, because I wouldn't want to have to kick anyone's head in.

[514] Keep your shut on.

[515] Yeah, boo.

[516] Yeah, boo.

[517] Don the boo.

[518] The boopo.

[519] Yeah, don't take your shirt off or your belt because you might cause a flabalange.

[520] I guess we should take this outside.

[521] They get up to leave and start backing out of the diner.

[522] Oh, I see.

[523] Yeah, very clever.

[524] We're going to pummel you and end up in jail.

[525] I don't think so.

[526] Yeah, I still live east of babies.

[527] We're headed for Hollywood.

[528] They're at the door turning back.

[529] Wait a minute.

[530] Yeah, what now?

[531] Did you say Hollywood?

[532] Exterior highway.

[533] Hans Franz, the older woman, and the three truck drivers, are peddling on the tandem bike, which now has six seats and six wheels.

[534] Okay, interior layer, twilight, music impending doom.

[535] Blairs a cavernous dark room with a network of ramps leading to different levels.

[536] Rolf walks past the crew cut, uniformly clad muscle men goons, standing guard.

[537] He hits a control panel and turns in his swivel chair to face a large screen.

[538] Distorted colors on the screen vibrate from the disembodied voice of Mr. X. Rolf's mysterious leader.

[539] Lieutenant Rolf reporting to Mr. X. How is the plan to kidnap girly man and convert them into muscle men proceeding?

[540] You're a very slow talker.

[541] Everything is in place.

[542] Very well.

[543] Set the plan into motion Remember, I want choice, Gellie, man It shall be done And don't forget to hurt The environment I think I heard you correctly, you said Don't forget to hurt the environment I told you the environment Wow, you're laying it on Heart it.

[544] Heart the environment.

[545] I won't, I won't.

[546] You fool.

[547] Rolf is petting a button marked Hurt Environment.

[548] He laughs villainously.

[549] Our six bikers led by Hans and Franz with passing highway signs.

[550] Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park, Grand Canyon, a road sign with a picture of a large beerstein reads Stein Museum featuring Herman the German the German Glockenspiel.

[551] The bike turns off the freeway.

[552] Exterior Stein Museum Day.

[553] Hans and Franz are exiting with the same museum.

[554] their friends, all armed with new souvenirs and Steins.

[555] They turn a corner and enter.

[556] Screening room, day, interior.

[557] Roger Ebert, let's just, there's some older references here.

[558] Roger Ebert, famous movie reviewer, had a show.

[559] Originally, it was Ciskel and Ebert.

[560] We were going to do that.

[561] Yeah.

[562] Roger Ebert is watching the Hans and Franz movie, taking notes.

[563] Hans, Franz, and their friends all enter.

[564] How do you like it?

[565] Holding up quite well, wouldn't you say?

[566] Well, not much has really happened yet.

[567] Didn't think two sketch characters could sustain this long, did you?

[568] Ebert shrugs.

[569] This is Vanda?

[570] Right, I saw.

[571] Yeah, the Blake, Colin, and Sam.

[572] How are you doing?

[573] I really should get back to it.

[574] What part are you up to?

[575] Angle on the screen.

[576] Ebert is up to the beginning of this scene with Hans and Franz entering an essay of questions.

[577] Angle on Hans and Franz watching the scene with interest.

[578] Oh, yeah.

[579] Yeah, this is the good part right here.

[580] Listen to look at this.

[581] Yeah, this is very enjoyable.

[582] Yeah, all right, everyone, is he here.

[583] Let's leave him alone.

[584] Yeah, let's go.

[585] They noisly exit, Ebert's size, then looks to camera.

[586] It is good.

[587] Oh, man. Good Lord, that is low.

[588] Exterior highway later, the tandem bike rolls along.

[589] It now carries 10 people.

[590] including a businessman, a 10 -year -old girl, and the cartoon -headed mascot from the Stein Museum, dissolved to the Tentem Bike approaching a sign reading entering Hollywood.

[591] Hans removes a large pin from behind his seat, disengaging Hans and Franz from the rest of the Tandem bike, which splits into eight different unicycles.

[592] The others disperse expertly peddling in different directions.

[593] Bye.

[594] Take care.

[595] Hans and Franz wave once more than triumphantly ride past the sign.

[596] Wow.

[597] Okay.

[598] All right.

[599] That is now Hans and France have arrived in Hollywood.

[600] That seems as good a place as any to stop.

[601] I completely forgot because I really liked it now.

[602] It was a nice surprise.

[603] I completely forgot that.

[604] It was a nice surprise.

[605] I completely forgot that.

[606] Where they keep taking more and more people on a tendon bike.

[607] This part of the movie was very pee -wee, big advantage.

[608] I guess.

[609] I forgot that until I looked at the script again.

[610] I always love the unicycle thing where they keep taking more and more people on a tendon bike.

[611] This part of the movie was very pee -wee big adventure.

[612] Venture influenced.

[613] And then the second half, I think, is more Simpsonsie.

[614] Yes.

[615] Where it becomes a parody of Hollywood.

[616] But what's funny about the way you guys edited this, talk about old references.

[617] So that scene in the diner was like a parody of the famous, it was meant to be a parody of the famous scene in five easy pieces where Jack Nicholson wants a certain kind of sandwich and they say, no substitute.

[618] Yeah.

[619] Yeah, I want you to take the bread and I want you to substitute the anabolic steroid, whatever it was.

[620] Hold it between your knees, I think, was the famous.

[621] Yeah, yeah, and that was in there, too.

[622] I want you to hold it.

[623] But it's just so funny.

[624] That's how old that reference is that even your guys didn't pick up on it, that it was a five easy pieces.

[625] Every day.

[626] From 1973 with Jack Nicholson.

[627] There's also some Charlie Chaplin things you cut out.

[628] Yeah, that's true.

[629] Every day starts with me telling my staff who I am.

[630] I had a late night show in the 90s.

[631] But, you know, when we're reading this, I could just picture it.

[632] like when we were writing it, it's almost like you can visualize the way you've done already, like picking that little pin up and letting the unicycles, I'd go, you know?

[633] If I was the director, I'd have a close -up on that.

[634] I do think that's great, but it's funny with the sound off.

[635] I mean, I think that was probably all intentional, obviously, because our voices of droning and braegedosia is one lane, but then all these physical gigs.

[636] Yeah.

[637] I'm glad that you reminded me, Dana, you brought up a really good point, which is Hans and Franz do a lot of boasting and a lot of flexing and a lot of talking about how they're going to twist the flab around, you, but when confronted by a trucker who's saying, hey, is this guy giving you a problem?

[638] You guys are in his face, and the minute he suggests a fight, you have, you want no party.

[639] Yeah.

[640] Nice, nice try.

[641] We put you in the hospital.

[642] I give you kudos.

[643] I give you kudos for your attempt.

[644] Do you know why you're here now in this scene?

[645] Because we wrote the scene for you.

[646] Don't, don't press your luck, my friend.

[647] Yeah.

[648] Press 20 pounds, maybe.

[649] If you threaten us, we could threaten you back and then walk away, all pumped up.

[650] And you have to look at our much good robotics as they receive in the distance.

[651] I go open up the back doors of your truck and believe me, fat would come rolling out with lard.

[652] That's right.

[653] Believe me. Instead of a truck is hot, you should wear a fatty hat.

[654] Because you're fat right from?

[655] Oh, is that Hans not getting off a good one?

[656] And then he's unsure.

[657] Second guessing.

[658] He's wrongs as his leader.

[659] All we did was scratch the surface here.

[660] This was our first episode.

[661] You've got to stick around because in the next episode, Arnold Schwarzenegger himself enters the scene.

[662] Of course, he ended up not doing the movie.

[663] I would, I know this is Hackney, but I would not want to miss the next episode.

[664] No. Can I just tell you when Arnold Schwarzenegger came to SNL to be in the first sketch for us?

[665] I remember that, yeah.

[666] First of all, we couldn't believe he wanted to do it because basically we're making fun of him.

[667] Yeah.

[668] And then we realized he's coming on the show to kill us.

[669] And he came and got us that day.

[670] And we were on the set and they brought us to his dressing room.

[671] And his name was on the door.

[672] And it was so long, it went on to the wall a little bit, you know.

[673] And we opened the door as full of cigar smoke.

[674] Remember that day?

[675] Oh, yeah.

[676] He's in a lounge chair.

[677] He's got a big cigar.

[678] One cigar, one of hand, the script we wrote from the other.

[679] And he looks through the cigar smoke to us.

[680] And he goes, hello, fellas.

[681] Now, how am I supposed to do the accent?

[682] Right there we do.

[683] It was cool.

[684] Yeah.

[685] Because he's, like I said, Arnold is very pragmatic.

[686] Yeah, the more they're doing me on the show and it makes it better that I can laugh at myself, you know.

[687] Other actors are very serious, but they see the joy and the comedy, it opens up a whole new world for me. Yes.

[688] He was, well, he went on to be a governor.

[689] He had political instincts.

[690] And he used a lot of the Hans and Franz references, too.

[691] He did.

[692] He did.

[693] Yeah, in trouble for it.

[694] New York Times wanted to interview me. I was on a camping trip, but they said, What does girly man mean?

[695] What are you trying to say?

[696] I mean, it came such a big part of pop culture.

[697] Even the astronauts in the shuttle were doing, want the bomb, you love.

[698] Oh, and gyms everywhere.

[699] Don't be a girly man. No, I mean, even in Argentina, and some of us, the horses were doing it, and mules were doing impressions.

[700] All right, I'm going to break it off there.

[701] Kevin's going on one of his famous tangents.

[702] Let's get him his pills.

[703] We're going to be back.

[704] You got to stick around for the second episode.

[705] We are reading Hans and Franz, The Girlie Man Dilemma, the movie that was never made.

[706] It was written in 1991.

[707] We've got Dana, we've got Kevin, we've got Robert Smigel, and myself.

[708] But not Arnold.

[709] We'll see.

[710] We'll see if he shows up next time.

[711] Stick around for that next episode.

[712] Yop!

[713] Wow!

[714] The Lost Hans and Franz movie, written and performed by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neel, Robert Smigel, and Conan O 'Brien.

[715] Additional voice work by Matt Goorley, Sonam of Sessian, David Hopping, and Matt Powers.

[716] Produced and edited by me, Matt Goorley, directed by Matt Powers.

[717] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[718] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[719] Engineering by Eduardo Perez, and talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Battista.

[720] Subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[721] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.