Armchair Anonymous: Valentine's Day Disaster

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard.

[5] I'm joined by Mrs. Mouse.

[6] Happy Valentine's Day a couple days ago.

[7] Happy Valentine's Day a couple days ago.

[8] This is the Valentine's Day disaster episode.

[9] Yeah, this is a fun one.

[10] It really is fun.

[11] And if you listen yesterday, we already said, congrats on six years.

[12] We'll say it again.

[13] Congrats on six years.

[14] We have housekeeping.

[15] Oh, yes.

[16] So in this episode, we mention Liz a couple times.

[17] We say, oh, it's scary, like Liz.

[18] Yeah, and you scream every time.

[19] That's why I always say it.

[20] And you say, Liz, ah.

[21] And it's a pop out every time I say it.

[22] Liz.

[23] It is.

[24] And then I say in it, we got to explain Liz.

[25] and then you say, we're going to, and then we forget.

[26] Okay.

[27] So we've talked about this before.

[28] Some of the armchiries will know, but some won't.

[29] And the ones who don't will definitely think we're talking about Liz Plank and we're not.

[30] We're not talking about Liz Plank.

[31] If you're an O -A, you know this.

[32] Yeah.

[33] But Monica and I were one time watching a date line, and there was a scary woman, Liz, who was a murderer.

[34] And then Monica got back to her apartment.

[35] No. This is one of those fun moments where our memories are different.

[36] Okay.

[37] I think they might work together, but go ahead.

[38] I didn't go back to my apartment.

[39] It was COVID.

[40] And Anna, me and you were watching Dayline.

[41] We all lived together at your house during COVID.

[42] And it was when you had broken your arm.

[43] So, or your hand, whatever you had broken.

[44] Who knows that day?

[45] So you were in the guest bedroom.

[46] Anna was in the kids' bedroom.

[47] Kristen had COVID.

[48] She didn't, but we thought she had COVID.

[49] Oh, it was not that night?

[50] You know, a bunch of food at the end of the hallway?

[51] She thought she had COVID, so she was sequestered.

[52] What comedy was happening?

[53] Oh, my God.

[54] This is like three's company.

[55] Yeah, the three of us put on this dateline.

[56] We didn't even know Anna that well at the time, too, which is also weird and funny.

[57] Scary, scary lady named Liz.

[58] Yeah.

[59] She was evil and she popped out.

[60] And she had a dog.

[61] There was a dog in this episode that looked exactly like Frank, your dog.

[62] Right.

[63] And you became concerned it was the same dog.

[64] Yes, because Frank is.

[65] a rescue.

[66] And Liz is M -I -A.

[67] Exactly.

[68] And so we watched this episode, I'm getting very worked up internally about my fears.

[69] And then I am sleeping on the couch in the movie room.

[70] Uh -huh.

[71] And I go in there and I hear her.

[72] Liz.

[73] She knocked.

[74] She knocked and I freaked out.

[75] And then I texted you and Anna and I said, help, it's scary out here.

[76] And then you both slowly came out to clear the room for Liz.

[77] Yeah.

[78] I have a totally different memory, but I don't think it's either or.

[79] I totally believe that that was the full rollout of Liz.

[80] Okay.

[81] But I remember you going back to your apartment.

[82] I remember you being at your apartment and texting, I'm super scared.

[83] I heard a noise outside.

[84] And I said, I know it's Liz.

[85] And then you said, no, don't say Liz.

[86] And I said, she's out there, Liz.

[87] I know there was a moment where you were scared in your apartment, and I kept telling you it was Liz.

[88] Are you sure wasn't just me being scared in the room.

[89] next, it might have been that where I, because I heard like a knock or a weird stuff.

[90] No, I remember, I remember me introducing the notion that Liz was at your apartment.

[91] Like, you already thought it was Liz in the living room version.

[92] God.

[93] I think they both happened.

[94] I wish we could burp.

[95] Because you were afraid of Liz for months.

[96] I'm still afraid of her.

[97] Right.

[98] And so many times over the last four years, I have tried to scare you that Liz is outside your apartment.

[99] Yeah.

[100] She comes around.

[101] She's a nasty lady.

[102] Oh.

[103] Anyway, so when we say that, we say it in that tone, it's not, I don't want people to think, yeah, that's, it gets complex, it's all complicated.

[104] Not Liz Plank.

[105] We love Liz Plank.

[106] We love Liz Frank.

[107] We don't like Liz Frank.

[108] Oh, Liz and Frank.

[109] Liz Frank and Liz Plank.

[110] What if Liz Plank is Liz Frank?

[111] With a haircut.

[112] Because she just kind of showed up out of nowhere.

[113] After we, so now I guess we're reversing our position.

[114] We're reversing our position.

[115] In fact, it is about Liz Plank.

[116] That's what you should know.

[117] I'm glad we did this.

[118] Oh, my God.

[119] We landed right where it's the modest mouse layer.

[120] I'm supposed to hang out with her this week.

[121] If you go straight long enough, you'll end up right where you were.

[122] Oh, God, you better bring a weapon.

[123] To dinner, yeah.

[124] I know what you could do.

[125] Bring Frank and see if he runs to her and feels reunited.

[126] Okay, that's a good idea.

[127] Okay, perfect.

[128] We got a test.

[129] Please enjoy Valentine's disasters.

[130] All times, come and go, take them slow, you gotta know, I'm gonna keep on shining.

[131] All right, we're ready for...

[132] Emma.

[133] Valentine's Day with Emma.

[134] Valentine's Day.

[135] Oh, Valentine's Day.

[136] St. Valentine's.

[137] Massacre, blood, death, destruction.

[138] So it's your anniversary.

[139] It's our anniversary.

[140] It's our anniversary.

[141] Hello.

[142] Hello.

[143] Hello.

[144] Oh, and are you English?

[145] No, I'm from New Zealand.

[146] Oh, Kiwi.

[147] Because you immediately reminded me of the actress in the original office.

[148] Just like when you first saw your face.

[149] Oh, that's funny.

[150] My husband will like that.

[151] He loves her.

[152] Oh, he loves the office.

[153] She's so lovable.

[154] Emma, you're calling from New Zealand?

[155] Oh, no. What time is it?

[156] It's okay.

[157] It's like 7 .30 in the morning, but it's tomorrow.

[158] I love this.

[159] I always ask David this.

[160] Like, what happens today?

[161] What happens on Thursday.

[162] Is it a good day?

[163] Friday.

[164] What happens on Friday?

[165] Well, no, it's 7 .30 in the morning Friday.

[166] So I'm wondering what happened on Thursday.

[167] That makes perfect sense.

[168] My apologies.

[169] Was it a good day?

[170] Yeah, it's a great day.

[171] Okay.

[172] Good, good, good, good.

[173] I guess I wouldn't have even assumed you guys celebrate Valentine's Day.

[174] I don't even know if that's like an internationally recognized event.

[175] Is it big in New Zealand?

[176] It's definitely not as big as it is in America.

[177] We still celebrate it.

[178] It's still a thing, like jewelry stores still have sales and stuff.

[179] But it's the same as Halloween and nothing's as big as it is in America.

[180] Yeah, sorry for that.

[181] Except for Guy Fox Day.

[182] I've been to New Zealand for Guy Fox Day and that was spectacular.

[183] Yeah, we do love that.

[184] All right, so you have a Valentine's Day disaster, which we cannot wait to hear.

[185] So this happened in 2009.

[186] I was 16.

[187] So the day was February 14th.

[188] It was Valentine's Day, which happened to be a Saturday night that year.

[189] And my boyfriend, Lucas and I, we were going to a high school house party.

[190] It's like someone's birthday.

[191] My mom had agreed that she'd drop us off and pick us up and Lucas could stay the night, but like strictly in separate rooms.

[192] Oh, this is very exciting, though.

[193] I want to applaud your mother's progressiveness.

[194] Yeah.

[195] We'd been dating for like three months and we'd gotten like pretty hot and heavy, but we'd never had sex.

[196] Neither of us had ever had sex.

[197] So we decided, like, it's Valentine's Day.

[198] This is the perfect opportunity to lose our virginities.

[199] All we had to do is come home from this party, wait until my mom went to sleep, and then he would sneak up to my room.

[200] Oh, yeah.

[201] Sexy.

[202] Yeah, here we go.

[203] So we had a plan in place.

[204] We were excited, a bit nervous, but we both were, like, pretty ready for it.

[205] So random bit of backstory in New Zealand at the time, there were these popular, like, RTD drinks that I won't name, but they were always like a standard 5 % alcohol like a beer.

[206] Around this time in 2009, they'd released this 8 % can in a 12 -pack, which is like stronger than wine, but really easy to drink.

[207] Also, I feel like I should say in New Zealand, the drinking age is 18, so it's like a bit more normal for us to be having a supervised party at 16.

[208] Yeah.

[209] My mum, bless it, she'd never drunk these before.

[210] So when she went out and bought us a couple and she didn't notice the change in strength or the change in packaging, so she just grabbed the first thing she saw, which was a big 12 -pack, She dropped us off at this party.

[211] She gave us the entire 12 pack and said, okay, have fun.

[212] Stick to 2 each.

[213] You shouldn't say stick to 2 each and then give 12.

[214] It's kind of confusing.

[215] Mix messages.

[216] Yeah, she was testing you.

[217] Yeah, I think so.

[218] I failed.

[219] So we got there, we were having fun.

[220] I felt like I looked good.

[221] Everything was going well.

[222] But about an hour in, I was starting to get really nervous.

[223] Like, I'm going to have sex tonight.

[224] Everything is going through my head.

[225] What if it doesn't work?

[226] Like, what if I suck at it?

[227] What if he sucks at it?

[228] What if he's not the one?

[229] Yeah.

[230] So scary.

[231] Naturally, I'm trying to calm my nerves, trying to get a bit of a buzz going.

[232] So I just start pounding back these drinks, which is obviously the worst thing that I could have done.

[233] Can I ask really quick, did you know they were a higher alcohol content?

[234] Or was that realized later?

[235] I feel like I probably did and was just like score.

[236] Let's not tell mum.

[237] Got it, got it.

[238] So cut to a bit later.

[239] Like, I'm having a good time.

[240] I find Lucas, and he's figured out, at this point that I'm about six drinks deep and I'm absolutely toasted.

[241] Like I'm really, really drunk.

[242] So I tell him he must come to the bathroom with me. I'm busting.

[243] I have to pee.

[244] We try and head inside.

[245] But there's a big line to the bathroom and there's just no way I'm going to make it.

[246] This house had a pretty big property and it had a big bank going down the side of the driveway with like a small wooden area.

[247] And I decided, yes, wooded area, perfect spot for an outdoor evening bushwee.

[248] I love it.

[249] We're going there.

[250] I dragged Lucas across this property over to the spot and I'm like, okay, just wait there.

[251] I'll go behind this tree and pee.

[252] And he was really good.

[253] He just stood there waiting for me, keeping a lookout while I was trying to drunkenly keep myself upright, squatting in a bush.

[254] But then I heard this weird noise and I was like, who's mowing their lawns right now?

[255] Oh.

[256] It's dark, it's late.

[257] That's such a crazy thing to be doing.

[258] And then I was still peeing in this bush and I felt a bit of pain.

[259] And I was like, oh, no, I'm swaying so badly that I've fallen over without realizing it and landed in a prickle bush.

[260] That's what's heard.

[261] I've sat on a prickle.

[262] Oh, boy.

[263] Okay.

[264] Wait for it, Monica.

[265] But then two things happened at once.

[266] The pain that I felt suddenly went from zero to 100, like one prickle to a thousand prickles.

[267] It was agony.

[268] At the same time, Lucas starts screaming.

[269] It just starts yelling and yelling for me to run.

[270] while he himself is just sprinting down this hill away for me. Oh.

[271] And that's when I realized I'm squatting and peeing directly onto a wasp's nest.

[272] No. No, no, no, no. Yeah.

[273] And I was there for way too long.

[274] Once I realized, I pulled up my underwear and I sprinted back to this house.

[275] And I was like instantly sober from the pain.

[276] And I got our friend's parents to call my mom.

[277] I was distraught.

[278] and I just sat there and cried.

[279] Oh, my God.

[280] My mom picked us up and took us back.

[281] We got home and I was in so much pain.

[282] My mom just thought that I had had a wasp thing or a bee sting, and she was like, you're being a wist.

[283] Let me look.

[284] And I don't know if you were the same at 16, but it took me a lot to get everything off and let her have a look.

[285] Oh, sure.

[286] Yeah, no way.

[287] I was justified, though, when she looked at it and all she said was, oh, my God.

[288] Get in the car.

[289] We're going to the hospital.

[290] Oh, no. Oh, wow.

[291] Wow, wow, wow.

[292] It turns out probably because I was so drunk and I'd squatted there for so long without realizing what was happening that I had been stung.

[293] I was red and swollen right from the back of my thighs, all up my butt cheeks, in my butt crack, and like all over my lady bits.

[294] They got the vulva, the majora, the menorah, like all of it.

[295] Wow.

[296] Were you able to, get a good look at it?

[297] Did they give you a mirror or anything?

[298] I should have.

[299] I think I was just too upset.

[300] Did you reach down and feel it?

[301] And I know baseball's not a big game in your country, but I just imagine it might have turned into like a catcher's mess.

[302] Oh.

[303] I was really swollen.

[304] Peeing was not fun for a few days after that.

[305] It was pretty bad.

[306] I'm so glad you're still with us.

[307] You could have my girl died.

[308] Sure.

[309] Because of the shock.

[310] I know.

[311] That's why, because there were so many stings.

[312] It was like hundreds.

[313] My mom took me to the emergency room and I had to spend the night there making sure I didn't go into anaphylactic shock and died.

[314] Luckily, I was fine, obviously, but it is safe to say that I didn't get to have sex that night.

[315] Valentine's Day was officially ruined.

[316] Did you end up staying with that guy long enough to finally do it?

[317] Eventually, yeah.

[318] Once everything returned to a healthy status quo?

[319] Return to a normal size, yeah.

[320] Holy cow.

[321] And was it itchy as hell?

[322] Because when I've been stung and it gets red like that with the histamines.

[323] It gets itchy.

[324] Healing was a bitch as well.

[325] It was so itchy.

[326] And I still actually have like scars from it and stuff as well.

[327] Yeah, I'm sure.

[328] Really?

[329] Oh my God.

[330] What a disaster.

[331] That is a textbook disaster.

[332] I was assuming there'd be some mix up with the transfer from the boy to the room in the middle of the night.

[333] Maybe he went into mom's room on accident.

[334] Yeah, it was almost a red herring that you were drunk.

[335] I mean, I understand it's what got you in this position in the first place.

[336] But yeah, I thought.

[337] it was going to be like a messy hookup, but this is way worse, well, and way better.

[338] Yeah, I thought that would throw you.

[339] What a story.

[340] Thank you.

[341] Emma, I'm so glad you lived to tell the tale.

[342] That is gnarly.

[343] Thank you so much for having me, you guys.

[344] It's really nice to meet you both.

[345] We're so flattered.

[346] You're listening down in New Zealand.

[347] We're not too esoteric you're getting everything.

[348] Do you ever feel like, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about?

[349] No, we love you.

[350] You guys don't know this, but we've been friends for like four or five years by now.

[351] Oh, good.

[352] That's so lovely.

[353] Well, we're going to come down because we're going to join David Ferry at some point.

[354] Oh, please do.

[355] Well, nice meeting you, Emma.

[356] Thank you so much for telling us that.

[357] Bye guys.

[358] Bye.

[359] So you, I was in therapy to bring everyone in.

[360] I was in therapy and then all of a sudden heard the door with someone opening the door because I do my therapy inside the attic.

[361] I had to put my pants back on in a hurry.

[362] God.

[363] He insists that I have them off for vulnerability's sake.

[364] And then - the door is locked, thank God.

[365] Good idea.

[366] Yeah.

[367] And then I peeked out the window to see who had just tried to Bargen.

[368] My assumption is you and Rob know that it's therapy.

[369] I mean, I guess in theory I know, but not really.

[370] It's not on my calendar or anything.

[371] You don't even probably know what day it was when you were trying to come in.

[372] I don't know what day it is.

[373] Yeah, it's morning.

[374] But I was like, oh no, it's locked.

[375] And then I like went.

[376] I got my key out.

[377] I didn't even know if I had a key, but I had a key.

[378] I was glad I had a key.

[379] Okay.

[380] And I started putting it in.

[381] And then I could hear like a teen.

[382] I didn't hear what you said.

[383] I just heard like the tone of your voice.

[384] Monica Yeah, it's like, oh, I'm definitely coming in now.

[385] No, but I was like, oh, fuck.

[386] I was like, oh, yes, therapy.

[387] Oh, no, because I was trying to be a very good employee.

[388] Okay.

[389] I had a work meeting with Spotify.

[390] And then we had this, Armchair Anonymous, and they were back to back.

[391] Back to back.

[392] And I thought, oh, no, I can't be late to Armchair Anonymous.

[393] Everyone will be upset.

[394] So I'll go early and then I'll do it here.

[395] here, I'll be ready.

[396] And then I thought it was sometimes the best laid plans, you know.

[397] And I am of my senior of men.

[398] This is very true.

[399] So then I signed off.

[400] I was right at the end.

[401] Then I quickly peeked out the window to see who it was.

[402] And I saw you walking or what I thought was you walking.

[403] You saw a scurry?

[404] I saw scurry.

[405] And then I text you, hey, I was in there.

[406] Was that you knocking?

[407] Yeah.

[408] And then I didn't hear from you.

[409] And then I couldn't see you anywhere.

[410] And I'm like, what has happened?

[411] Did you think I was like a apparition?

[412] I had a lot of of thoughts.

[413] I was like, she got really mad.

[414] The door was like, and she went home or now she won't respond to me. Like she's angry.

[415] Also, did you see me?

[416] Okay, because when I went to the guest house, I was like closing the door and you were coming out of the attic, which then I was like, oh, should I just go?

[417] Whatever.

[418] I scanned the driveway first, and then I scan the yard because you sometimes will sit out by the, and then you were just gone.

[419] You're an aborition.

[420] I thought you saw that I was in the guest house and then you kept walking.

[421] So then I thought maybe you were mad oh interesting a lot of baggage a lot of baggage a lot of scars okay let's go to jackson hello oh my god jackson you're wearing a shirt as a hat this is the first time i've ever seen this yeah the closet's cramped but i'm making it work oh thank you you sound great this is wonderful thank you i did my best to get as insulated as possible for you guys you're my first jackson i'm meeting i mean i guess i've met a j -a -c -s -s -o -n but not a J -A -X -O -W -N.

[422] Oh, wow.

[423] Yeah, I'm a substitute teacher's favorite.

[424] It always comes up when they call the name.

[425] Oh, I bet.

[426] And where are you at in the country?

[427] Please be Jacksonville, Florida, or Jacksonville.

[428] It is Gainesville, Florida, so close to Jacksonville.

[429] Oh, okay.

[430] And I know a lot about Gainesville, but I'm not going to say anything about it.

[431] I know a lot about Gainesville, and I will say because that's where the Georgia Florida game happens.

[432] It's our, quote, neutral territory.

[433] So I've spent a couple nights there.

[434] Oh.

[435] I want to get to one of those games soon.

[436] Yeah, they're fun.

[437] How old are you?

[438] We suck right now, so I can't really go.

[439] I'm 24.

[440] Okay, 24.

[441] Just a youthful young man at the beginning of your life.

[442] And yet you've already had a Valentine's Day disaster.

[443] Yes, I have.

[444] So a little bit of backstory.

[445] I lived with my girlfriend at the time, now my fiance.

[446] She worked at a hospital.

[447] She was the morning sister.

[448] She'd get up about 5 .45 to get.

[449] like everything ready, get her coffee, get prepared for the day.

[450] The plan was after she got off of her shift, we were going to go get dinner at like eight.

[451] It would have been hard, but we were up for the challenge.

[452] Beeler, get up, ready, make her coffee, and then the fire alarm is going on.

[453] So I was like, what could possibly be happening?

[454] I'm thinking she's burnt her coffee so bad that this place is in a blaze and we need to get out.

[455] I find out that it's not that somebody has just pulled the fire alarm.

[456] So we get our dog, go outside, wait.

[457] She's, like, fully in her scrubs ready to go to work, supposed to leave in, like, 10 minutes.

[458] I lived in a college, like, off -campus apartment complex, so it wasn't out of the norm for someone to just pull a fire alarm just to, like, inconvenience the others.

[459] And that's all fine and dandy, but not at five.

[460] I mean, that's an ultra -dick move.

[461] That goes from being a prank to just a total declaration of your dickness.

[462] Well, the crazy thing was it had happened before in a different apartment complex at, like, three in the morning.

[463] I was kind of grateful it was, like, six.

[464] So I got some more sleep.

[465] Yeah, but now you're starting to look like the most viable suspect because if it's happened in two of the places, yes.

[466] Maybe I sleepwalk.

[467] Night terror.

[468] We have to wait for the fire department to come.

[469] They pull up two trucks, full sirens, because they think this apartment complex is on fire.

[470] They find out it's not.

[471] They check all the rooms.

[472] They say, okay, it's good to go back in.

[473] I go with my dogs.

[474] My girlfriend goes to work.

[475] And that door, where the control panel is to turn off the alarms, is right outside of my apartment.

[476] So I'm hearing like thuds.

[477] I think I go back to sleep for like 10 or 15 minutes and I hear just a huge banging on my door.

[478] I'm thinking the fire department has somehow messed something up and needs to get into my apartment to somehow fix this alarm situation.

[479] Turns out it is a girl that I had never seen with obvious smoke coming from the ground.

[480] So I opened the door to see what I can only describe as a self -kindled fire made of leaves, twigs, and a textbook.

[481] Oh, my.

[482] And she has a textbook wide open, and she's made this little wad of kindling on there and lit it a blaze.

[483] Yeah.

[484] It's a good -sized fire.

[485] What?

[486] I'm sorry to play into the stereotype, but welcome to Florida.

[487] Yeah.

[488] What's crazy is I thought she was helping me out.

[489] So I was like, oh, my God.

[490] You're so generous.

[491] What have you stumbled upon in front of my door?

[492] Thanks for helping me out.

[493] Oh.

[494] No. I go, are you okay?

[495] What's going on?

[496] She's like, where is she?

[497] I was like, huh?

[498] What do you mean?

[499] Where is she?

[500] And before I can say, who is she?

[501] She has kicked the fire onto my feet and into my apartment.

[502] No. What?

[503] What the fuck?

[504] This is like out of a horror movie.

[505] This is like Liz.

[506] That's scary girl.

[507] So at this point, I go into survival mode.

[508] I didn't even know I had a fire extinguisher, but I found it and it was open and I put the fire out and I'm on the phone with 911.

[509] What feels like 15 seconds, it was probably longer, but I felt like I did it pretty quickly.

[510] Can I pause you for half a second?

[511] It's been always a great fantasy of mine to be able to deploy a fire extinguisher.

[512] Had you been waiting your whole life like me to do that?

[513] And was it so thrilling?

[514] It was something I wish I could have done under less stressful terms, but it was exciting.

[515] Yes, it is right.

[516] Let it rip.

[517] It was a lot messier than I thought it would be.

[518] Yeah, it's very messy.

[519] There's powder everywhere.

[520] Yeah.

[521] Wait, can you tell us about the girl?

[522] What does she look like?

[523] I also want to know what the subject of the textbook was.

[524] Oh, sure.

[525] That could be a big clue.

[526] I didn't look at that.

[527] I bet it was psychology, but continue.

[528] Probably.

[529] She was, I would say, 22, about 5 foot 4 Hispanic descent.

[530] Okay.

[531] Had very colorful hair, red, green hair.

[532] Feisty.

[533] I was about to say that.

[534] Yeah, I'm now in my doorway, and she's still there.

[535] She didn't go into my apartment, which was weird.

[536] Like, I figured if somebody was in there, she'd want to get in quick.

[537] But she didn't.

[538] She stayed at my door, and I'm like, okay, the cops are coming.

[539] Now's your chance to leave.

[540] Let's part ways.

[541] I'll deal with this mess, unfortunately.

[542] And she was like, nope, I don't care about going to jail.

[543] I was like, oh, what?

[544] Okay.

[545] And her eyes could only be described as, like, the widest I've ever seen anybody's eyes.

[546] So then I start to assess the situation.

[547] She is looking at me saying, I know someone's in your apartment.

[548] I'm going to find her.

[549] And I've noticed that she is holding the glass pane that covers the, fire alarms.

[550] So I'm like, okay, she's pulled the fire alarm and for some reason has come back to my apartment because she didn't get a big enough thing.

[551] I don't really know what it was.

[552] I'm going to add it's 6 a .m. She hasn't woken up early for this.

[553] She's been up online.

[554] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[555] We're seeing it at the end of a long day.

[556] In my head, I'm like, okay, this girl is crazy.

[557] Like, I got to figure something out to get her out of here.

[558] She insisted and is like, I know she's in there.

[559] I'm going to find her.

[560] I'm like, who is she?

[561] And she says some name I've never heard before.

[562] And I was like, look, I don't know who you are.

[563] I don't know who she is.

[564] I think we have a misidentity type of thing.

[565] Like, I'm not the person you're looking for.

[566] You're being so calm and patient and kind.

[567] I got to say if someone chucked a textbook that was on fire in my house, I'd have to remind myself I don't hit girls.

[568] Well, my voice was definitely raised, but it was mostly, let me see if I can get somebody else out here.

[569] And luckily, the smoke from the fire had the alarms going off again.

[570] Oh, yeah, of course.

[571] The neighbors are out, and they're seeing just this girl arguing with a guy on Valentine's Day morning saying, I know she's in there.

[572] I'm like, they think that some girl's in my apartment.

[573] I'm cheating on somebody with somebody.

[574] I was like, does anybody know this person?

[575] Because I certainly don't.

[576] And I don't want anybody to think I do know her because this is crazy.

[577] Everyone's like, nope, we don't know her.

[578] But luckily, they're filming.

[579] So I felt a little bit of comfort in that.

[580] Because I was like, if anything happens, it's on film.

[581] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[582] She continues this.

[583] I know she's in there.

[584] I say, I don't know who she is.

[585] Please stop.

[586] Please leave.

[587] She then.

[588] tries to get in.

[589] And I'm a big dude.

[590] I'm about 6 to 195, 200 pounds.

[591] In my head, I'm like, okay, let's say I do decide to defend myself.

[592] I can't close the door because there's smoking there and I'm going to like get some smoking relations thing.

[593] So let's say I do defend myself.

[594] All the cops are going to see is me, a really big guy over the smaller girl.

[595] And I don't want any creative imagination to make this thing like I did something wrong.

[596] So I just was like, okay, I'm going to push her out, leave it at this, keep pushing her out.

[597] And I start to hear the police siren.

[598] So I'm like, okay, they're getting close.

[599] So I continue to push her out.

[600] She's still like, I know she's in there.

[601] Where is she?

[602] And I was like, she's not here.

[603] Like, please just leave.

[604] And then I'm thinking this girl is crazy.

[605] And I made the cardinal sin of being like, you are acting crazy right now.

[606] Yeah.

[607] All right.

[608] A sight in her eye came out and I see her jump up, right hand raised.

[609] And that glass is now smashed onto my arm with a force.

[610] God.

[611] Wow.

[612] Feisty was an understatement.

[613] I was shocked for sure, but I'm standing there and I'm like, I should be in some pain.

[614] So I look at my arm and there's like a good size cut, but I think the guy in me was like, this is fine.

[615] Like, I don't even need stitches for this.

[616] Right.

[617] I look down at a worse cut in my arm and I'm seeing like fatty tissue.

[618] Like my bicep is moving in it.

[619] Like it is a good size cut.

[620] This is going to need to be addressed.

[621] I'm about to get my first ever stitches for this.

[622] Yeah, you're going to be like.

[623] in the apartment in an ambulance here in a minute.

[624] Fuck.

[625] Well, after I get stabbed and I'm like, okay, she can look for this person that doesn't exist in my apartment.

[626] There's nobody I need to protect in here.

[627] Hopefully my dog's good.

[628] I'm going to step aside.

[629] So I do.

[630] And then she comes out crawling on all fours.

[631] It was really weird.

[632] I don't know what she was going through.

[633] But she's like all fours and just looks at me and she's like, sorry, she wasn't in there.

[634] Cops come.

[635] I point her out because she didn't run at all.

[636] She just stayed outside of my apartment.

[637] I'm like, that's her.

[638] I then am getting fixed up by the fire department, and an ambulance driver comes up, and it's like, we're here to take care of you.

[639] Do you need us to call someone?

[640] I was like, yeah, let me call my girlfriend at the time.

[641] I don't say now.

[642] Called there, I was like, hey, you aren't going to believe this story.

[643] Since you left 15 minutes ago.

[644] Oh, my God.

[645] Our apartment's been on fire, and I've been assaulted and stabbed.

[646] Exactly.

[647] I'd say from her building to the parking lot to our house is probably a 15.

[648] to 20 -minute drive, and she got there in five minutes.

[649] And I don't know how she did it.

[650] I went to the ambulance drivers.

[651] I was like, you know what?

[652] I'm not going to foot this bill for the ambulance because I'm not bleeding anything crazy.

[653] I can move my arm.

[654] I'm just going to go to the hospital, so it's a lot cheaper.

[655] They're like, okay, we'll take this girl that is insisting on going in the ambulance because she cut her hand from smashing the glass on me. And I was like, oh, yeah, for sure.

[656] Take care of her.

[657] Yeah.

[658] Right.

[659] She's not too worried about any bills she's racking up.

[660] In fact, she's not worried about almost any repercussions for anything right now.

[661] So get to the hospital, cops come.

[662] I give my statement and I get 25 stitches.

[663] And then they say, we'll be in contact so you can talk to the district attorney.

[664] And I was like, okay, because at this point, I'm thinking this crazy person who showed up to my house, why are there people showing up to my house and stabbing me?

[665] Yes.

[666] I don't know if it's some organization that has decided my apartment number, stabbing every time you see them.

[667] I don't know what's going on.

[668] So I meet with them about a week.

[669] later.

[670] And they're like, yeah, we figured out why she did it.

[671] I was like, is it because she's crazy?

[672] They're like, well, a little bit.

[673] The weeks prior to you being stabbed, she was at work and she would see a car go by and say, now's my time to run.

[674] So she would just sprint out of her job.

[675] She took a road trip to like Arkansas for no reason.

[676] So she was like in a probably bipolar ramp up.

[677] I was like, so what happened my day?

[678] And so they were like, do you have anybody that lives with you?

[679] I was like, yeah, I live with my girlfriend.

[680] And they're like, was she going to be.

[681] getting ready for work or something, like with their lights going on.

[682] I was like, she was in the bathroom, turn the lights on and off.

[683] And they go, okay, when this person saw the lights going on and off, she took that as a sign from her friend that she was being human traffic.

[684] This is like a skips on Friday.

[685] Yeah.

[686] Oh, wow.

[687] Oh, poor girl.

[688] I mean, poor you the most, but poor girl.

[689] Does that mean she was a neighbor if she was seeing this light from her place?

[690] I know she lived in the complex.

[691] I don't know how close she could have been on a stroll.

[692] She could have been in her room and been like, these lights are going off a little too crazy.

[693] My God.

[694] That's what's sad is the people that do these, yeah, in schizophrenic episodes, like they think they're being killed.

[695] Exactly.

[696] Of course, anyone is worth hurting to save yourself.

[697] Fuck.

[698] Whoa.

[699] Wow.

[700] That's a crazy story.

[701] Were you able to get a table at Applebee's?

[702] No, I spent the night cleaning up my apartment because what I didn't know is that when things happen in the apartment, like a crime, you are responsible for cleaning it out.

[703] So I got to clean up the extinguisher.

[704] She was in my apartment.

[705] She, like, smeared blood on the walls.

[706] So I got to deal with all of this on my Valentine's Day.

[707] Oh, my gosh.

[708] So what happened with her?

[709] She, from what I understand is now in a mental institution.

[710] Okay.

[711] Getting help, but from what I understand, she's going to be there until she's able to stand.

[712] trial.

[713] Oh, okay.

[714] Wow.

[715] Wow.

[716] Because not only did she assault me, she also assaulted a police officer on the way to the car.

[717] So even if I would be like, you know what, bygones be bygones, the cop is still like bygones are not bygones for him, I guess.

[718] Yes, yes, yes.

[719] And sadly, you do need a record of someone's behavior so that you have some leverage to monitor.

[720] She can't control her behavior and it's dangerous.

[721] It's a Spalowski thing.

[722] You shouldn't be judged.

[723] of it.

[724] And also you should keep dangerous people off the street.

[725] Yeah, exactly.

[726] Was this last Valentine's Day?

[727] You didn't say what year this was.

[728] It was a year ago.

[729] Oh, your anniversary's coming up.

[730] Yeah.

[731] I always forget it's on Valentine's Day.

[732] So when my fiance was like, oh, this Valentine's disaster, you have one.

[733] I was like, I thought we've had some pretty good Valentine's Day.

[734] Like, what did I do?

[735] And she's like, you got stabbed on Valentine's Day.

[736] I was like, oh, yeah, by the arsonist.

[737] Oh.

[738] Do you have Venmo?

[739] I do.

[740] Will you give it to me?

[741] I can, yeah.

[742] Yeah, Rob, will you write it down?

[743] Put in the chat.

[744] I'm buying you and your fiancé Valentine's dinner.

[745] That's nice.

[746] Oh, thank you.

[747] We need a good one.

[748] I want you to go to the nicest place in town.

[749] Let's get the stabbing out of the...

[750] Yeah, well, it'll do a reset.

[751] Well, Jackson, what a pleasure meeting you.

[752] Yes, thank you for sharing.

[753] Crazy fucking story.

[754] I loved it.

[755] Yeah, hopefully this Valentine's Day isn't his eventful.

[756] We're going to make sure you're at least dining in style, okay?

[757] Yeah, I don't know if you guys want to see the pictures.

[758] Of course.

[759] Let me see if I can find them.

[760] I have the scars now.

[761] I don't know if you can see it.

[762] Oh, my God.

[763] Mama me. Oh, my God.

[764] It's like a plantain size on the shoulder and a banana size on the bicep.

[765] Wow.

[766] Also, you're a cheloy scar like me. It did help with the one scar on my bicek because it was like a piece of skin hanging off and there would have been like a big chunk missing.

[767] But since it keelordid, it's filled in.

[768] Ah.

[769] So this is the one on my shoulder.

[770] You are not.

[771] Dude, you were brutally.

[772] You really were stabbed.

[773] Yeah.

[774] It's like a fucking dateline episode.

[775] this is the fatty tissue one oh my lord guys it looks like when they open your abdomen up to take out in Oregon got me good I'm pretty shocked you didn't take the ambulance right now I see that your entire arm was opened up they were upset they were like we're here for you I was like but my fiance got here so quickly and did she take you to her hospital did she drive right back to her yes funny story I had applied to work at that hospital.

[776] And while I was in the ER, I got a call from them.

[777] And they were like, oh, how are you doing?

[778] I was like, okay, we're here to offer you the job.

[779] I was like, sweet, I'm actually in your ER right now if you want to give me the paperwork.

[780] Oh, wow.

[781] Look at that.

[782] That's kind of sim.

[783] You're like in a Cohen Brothers movie or something.

[784] You're living in some weird movie.

[785] I would tell people this story.

[786] They're like, okay, but what stupid things do to actually like cut your arm up?

[787] I was like, nope.

[788] This person showed up.

[789] Arson has showed up and stabbed, man. I don't know what you're going to say.

[790] And then showed up and turned into a slasher.

[791] Oh, Jackson, that was a barn burner.

[792] Yeah, thanks for sharing that.

[793] Thanks a million.

[794] Thank you guys.

[795] I appreciate it.

[796] All right.

[797] Take care, brother.

[798] Guys, that arm was as opened up as you can imagine.

[799] That was much worse than I was imagined.

[800] Me too, me too.

[801] I thought stabbing was just like a funny word for it, but it's worse than stabbing.

[802] I wouldn't even even thought that like a butcher knife could do that much.

[803] Liz.

[804] That's so scary.

[805] Fuck.

[806] Now, listen.

[807] Uh -oh.

[808] Maybe it's not even worth it.

[809] I would have kicked her in the chest a long time before that happened.

[810] If she started to come forward, I would have just kicked her in the chest and got her.

[811] You can't let someone come into your person.

[812] You don't have to kick her in the chest, though.

[813] You don't want to get your hands involved.

[814] She's holding glass.

[815] If someone has a knife or something, your leg is longer than your arm.

[816] She has a mental.

[817] I know.

[818] It's heartbreaking.

[819] But also, you can't let someone.

[820] No, you can't.

[821] You can't.

[822] Curve you up like that.

[823] Ooh.

[824] Oh, Liz.

[825] I feel like we have to remind people about Lizzo.

[826] We will.

[827] We've all been there.

[828] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[829] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[830] But for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[831] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[832] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[833] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[834] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[835] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[836] Prime members can listen early and and ad -free on Amazon music.

[837] What's up, guys?

[838] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[839] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[840] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[841] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[842] And I don't mean just friends.

[843] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[844] The list goes on.

[845] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[846] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[847] Hello.

[848] Hello.

[849] Alicia?

[850] Yes.

[851] Oh my God, Alicia.

[852] Hold on.

[853] Don't even tell me. I'm recording.

[854] Yeah, okay, record.

[855] Cute glasses.

[856] I'm trying to put together your environment, but don't tell us.

[857] I think car.

[858] No. Under a coffee table.

[859] Oh, that's a great guess under a coffee table.

[860] I give up.

[861] Where are you?

[862] I am under my sewing desk in my basement with the couch cushions behind me. Monica, you have stressed up these armcherry so much.

[863] They're tearing.

[864] carrying their houses apart.

[865] That's what we need.

[866] I don't know.

[867] Yes, it is.

[868] I have a perfectly beautiful, wonderful closet.

[869] However, it's nap time and my two -year -old, almost three -year -old, is upstairs right now, being very vocal.

[870] Got it.

[871] Sure.

[872] That makes a ton of sense.

[873] Alicia, where are you in the country?

[874] I'm in Virginia.

[875] Oh, wonderful.

[876] What am I reading that was set largely?

[877] Poison with Bible.

[878] Oh, no, I'm getting confused with us having just talked to Henry Louis Gates.

[879] That was West Virginia and Maryland border.

[880] So sorry.

[881] I travel through that line all the time.

[882] So we're in the Blue Ridge Mountain area of Virginia.

[883] Oh, the most beautiful chunk of the country.

[884] I know what it is, too.

[885] We just interviewed a guy about presidents and they were talking about Jefferson started University of Virginia.

[886] UVA.

[887] Did you attend UVA?

[888] Oh, that's very ironic, you ask that because this story actually takes place at Virginia Tech, which is the rival UVA.

[889] Okay, the stakes are high.

[890] So you went to Virginia Tech.

[891] I did.

[892] Wow.

[893] very good school.

[894] Very, very good school.

[895] Do you hate that when people hear it, they have that association with the shooting?

[896] Oh, I didn't even think of that.

[897] I think that people who are not associated with Virginia Tech do think that.

[898] Right.

[899] People who live in the area and all the students, we don't think that.

[900] Okay, good.

[901] I'm not a student anymore.

[902] This happened a decade ago.

[903] Alumni and all that.

[904] We don't associate with that whatsoever.

[905] I didn't think that.

[906] I was in college then, so it was like a big deal.

[907] I was in high school.

[908] I was in high school.

[909] school when that happened.

[910] I went there in 2009.

[911] That was 2007.

[912] So it was pretty soon after.

[913] Okay.

[914] Who?

[915] Clean the slate.

[916] When does this story take place?

[917] Oh, 9, 10, 11?

[918] The precursor to this story is Valentine's Day 2011.

[919] So I had been seeing this guy for a couple of months and I had never had a valentine before, never had a boyfriend during the time.

[920] And I was so excited.

[921] And he gave me this beautiful bouquet of Red roses.

[922] We weren't like boyfriend, girlfriend.

[923] We had just been seeing each other.

[924] And then a few weeks later, he turned out to be not such a great guy.

[925] So it was still really tainted.

[926] So that's a pre -cursor to this story.

[927] February 2012, just a couple of weeks after Valentine's Day, I meet my boyfriend who the story is about.

[928] So it's right after Valentine's Day.

[929] So of course, Valentine's Day gets brought up.

[930] And I'm like, oh my gosh, yeah, last year I just had this awful about, I mean, like, it was really tainted and really, really.

[931] bad taste in my mouth.

[932] Yeah, I'm over that holiday.

[933] Right, exactly.

[934] And he was like, oh, well, I do Valentine's Day.

[935] Great.

[936] I love Valentine's Day.

[937] And I was like, okay, thinking like, well, we got a ways to go.

[938] So we're still together Valentine's Day 2013.

[939] I wake up that morning to several texts from him that I realize are every hour on the hour starting at midnight.

[940] Oh.

[941] Oh.

[942] That he has obviously pre -programmed his phone.

[943] Virginia Tech.

[944] He knows how to do this.

[945] Right.

[946] There are anything from like, I love your smile to sexual things to long, deep paragraphs of how much I've changed his life.

[947] Wow.

[948] I was really impressed.

[949] Really quick.

[950] Did you take it all with lots of gratitude and butterfly feelings?

[951] Did it tip at any point into feeling smothered?

[952] No, I was like eating it up.

[953] Right.

[954] And so we probably went out to dinner somewhere.

[955] He probably got me, you know, like, chocolates, flowers.

[956] I don't remember it.

[957] I get texts all the way up till midnight.

[958] I'm just feeling so cared about and thought about.

[959] The most loved girl in the world.

[960] Yes, this is a special guy, obviously.

[961] What a champ.

[962] Well, cut to like a year or two later.

[963] I don't remember the exact timeline.

[964] We're still together.

[965] For some reason, I'm on his computer.

[966] All good stories start with I was on his computer.

[967] Yeah, it's never a great idea.

[968] For anyone to be on anyone's computer.

[969] Well, I think he had, like, asked me to look up something in his email.

[970] He had asked me to be on his computer.

[971] Never do that.

[972] Sure.

[973] He's really playing with fires.

[974] I mean, we've been together, like, two, three years at this point.

[975] Yeah.

[976] And I see a folder that says something along the lines of Valentine's Day, something very obvious.

[977] So I open it up.

[978] There's all the text he sent me in, like, a separate email to himself.

[979] And I'm thinking, okay, well, he probably just thought about this a lot ahead of time, typed it out in an email because it's easier to type on the computer than text it on your phone, and then somehow he got it to a text, well, I read them.

[980] And in place of my name, is his ex's name.

[981] Okay.

[982] So he was recycling his homework.

[983] He absolutely was recycling.

[984] So that did not go over well.

[985] And they were exactly the same?

[986] Literally to the word.

[987] Well, here's what happened.

[988] I'm going to defend this undefendable guy.

[989] I'm going to defend this indefensible act.

[990] I'm going to defend this He did put in the time the first year, and it worked so well.

[991] I bet the ex -girlfriend felt so great.

[992] And he's like, well, I want to repeat that activity.

[993] I just don't want to put in any thought or effort into it.

[994] Well, all that, Monica.

[995] So he's like, I'm going to do this again.

[996] And then he said, and he's like, I should look at the thing.

[997] And then he was like, well, those worked perfectly.

[998] I'm going to just swap her name out.

[999] Rough.

[1000] Bye.

[1001] Oh, geez.

[1002] Hold on.

[1003] They're still together.

[1004] No, they were still together at that point.

[1005] Oh, okay.

[1006] Oh, we're still together.

[1007] Today?

[1008] I'm saying we're still together.

[1009] at that point that emails obviously.

[1010] Back to you being right.

[1011] Remember that I had met him 11 days after Valentine's Day.

[1012] Right.

[1013] So he had used that literally 11 days.

[1014] I met him right after the breakup.

[1015] Which is why he said I love Valentine's Day because he had just nailed it 11 days before.

[1016] But how did he didn't nail it?

[1017] But then they broke up.

[1018] Exactly.

[1019] He obviously didn't nail it 11 days later.

[1020] So anyways, I see all these.

[1021] I am just heartbroken.

[1022] I mean like all these.

[1023] This is a It's really graphic, sexual things.

[1024] Her name.

[1025] Or like the, you've changed my life.

[1026] I'm a better person.

[1027] And it's her name.

[1028] I bring this up to him thinking, this is a great guy.

[1029] He is going to be like, I screwed up.

[1030] And that was kind of a pattern in the relationship was I screwed up.

[1031] But anyway.

[1032] And he doubled down.

[1033] What?

[1034] Like what Dak said of, it worked so well.

[1035] It's like going to a restaurant that you love.

[1036] Why would you go with the next girlfriend to the restaurant that you love?

[1037] this gift works so well he doubled down and so yeah that was a little bit of a disastrous valentine's day oh my lord how much longer were you guys together did that spell the beginning of the end well do you want to meet him no hold that no hold that hold that hold on that hold on before we meet him i have to get my head right before he comes in monica's upset i have been sent pictures of girls sexy pictures, that I am under no illusion weren't sent to other boys.

[1038] They finally got a picture of themselves they thought was really pretty or sexy and they've sent it to me, but I'm not naive.

[1039] It was probably sent to a previous boy.

[1040] It's like they probably have a few they feel comfortable with...

[1041] That is not even close to the same.

[1042] But we had been together a year when this Valentine's Day occurred.

[1043] Let me start by saying, I think it's very shitty he did this.

[1044] I'm not pretending this is okay.

[1045] I'm only starting with one that's like adjacent to it that weirdly I can accept, which is like, okay, this person has found four pictures they think are really sexy of themselves and they sent it to me. And they probably sent it to four other previous boyfriends.

[1046] That's about you.

[1047] This is a picture of me, not what I'm saying about you.

[1048] Great point.

[1049] If somebody sent, yeah, absolutely not.

[1050] Especially the sexual text.

[1051] Oh.

[1052] Fuck that.

[1053] If I saw that it was the exact, nope, nope.

[1054] It was really rough.

[1055] So anyways, we've been together since that day in 2012.

[1056] We have two kids.

[1057] Oh, my God.

[1058] How did you get over?

[1059] I like that you got over.

[1060] If you love the guy and you're together and it worked out, great.

[1061] Truly, we've been through so much.

[1062] He's 10 years sober.

[1063] Actually, I haven't told him.

[1064] Yeah, congratulations.

[1065] I didn't tell him it was his birthday yet.

[1066] I haven't said congratulations.

[1067] So, yeah, congratulations.

[1068] He just passed 10 years.

[1069] So, I mean, with that in mind, we had a lot bigger problems.

[1070] on 10 years ago than like some recycled text.

[1071] There were way bigger fires to put out and a lot of couples therapy.

[1072] Nice.

[1073] Okay.

[1074] I like that.

[1075] Hold on.

[1076] I'm going to give you my.

[1077] Oh, no. Yeah, you knew it.

[1078] He's handsome, right?

[1079] Is that what you're saying?

[1080] Hi.

[1081] Oh, no. Hi, how's it going?

[1082] We're so mad at you.

[1083] Hold on.

[1084] Listen, I just want you to know what you're walking into.

[1085] Monica's very, very upset at you.

[1086] I think what you did is shitty, but I guess I'm more leaning towards understanding.

[1087] Oh, I wonder why.

[1088] So that's what you're walking into.

[1089] At least I didn't just give me. a card that like 7 ,000 other women got that day.

[1090] Well, I would argue that it's...

[1091] Only one other woman got those...

[1092] Oh, my...

[1093] Oh, you're still standing by it.

[1094] Oh, he's tripling down.

[1095] Wow, wow, wow.

[1096] He's tripling down.

[1097] Yeah, we talked about this last night.

[1098] And he was like, I'm still tripling down on this.

[1099] This was a good idea.

[1100] I need your name, sir.

[1101] Ryan.

[1102] Ryan, first of all, congratulations on 10 years.

[1103] That's fucking epic, dude.

[1104] A decade is impossible.

[1105] Well, let's not talk about your indiscretion for a second.

[1106] Just can you imagine having been told something by somebody that meant so much to you?

[1107] Even if it was like a mentor and they said, I've never really seen writing like this.

[1108] I didn't know you had it in you.

[1109] I think you should pursue this.

[1110] And then you found out that mentor had told that to seven other kids in the class.

[1111] Can you at least identify and associate the feeling of, oh, that thing meant nothing that I allowed to move me so much?

[1112] Absolutely.

[1113] Yeah.

[1114] Yes.

[1115] I fully understand the feeling of I felt so special when I read these the first time with my name in them and then the complete upside -down feeling that she had when she read them intended for someone else.

[1116] Okay, well that's some ownership.

[1117] To know that I didn't inspire them.

[1118] Right.

[1119] You know what I mean?

[1120] Like somebody else did.

[1121] So like, yeah.

[1122] Ryan.

[1123] Well, they had been together for years.

[1124] We were together for a couple years.

[1125] Yeah.

[1126] I think it almost would have been worse had this been a girlfriend that was like four months or something.

[1127] You know, like they had been together years.

[1128] I think it's worse.

[1129] Oh, wow.

[1130] I think it's worse for you and for the original girlfriend that her text then just got shuffled over.

[1131] Well, she should feel flattered kind of.

[1132] Like, oh, I inspired these.

[1133] Well, I don't know.

[1134] I don't want to make a case for her.

[1135] Oh, wow.

[1136] This was great.

[1137] I'm glad you showed your face.

[1138] Not all 24 texts were word for word.

[1139] There were a few that made no sense that I changed.

[1140] No. He said that and I recall.

[1141] Everything that I read was like word for word.

[1142] Wow, wow, wow.

[1143] Okay, and I'm assuming his handsomeness, it really helped in you getting over this.

[1144] You've exploited your handsomeness, Ryan.

[1145] And I guess that's what one should do with the gifts they were given.

[1146] Here's my curiosity in 2013 or 14, whenever this happened.

[1147] How brazen of you to invite your girlfriend to be on your computer sniffing around your emails and stuff.

[1148] How were you that reckless?

[1149] He was drunk.

[1150] At that point, I don't think I was.

[1151] At the point where you recycled it, you were not sober.

[1152] January 2014.

[1153] Oh, I see.

[1154] I see exactly what happened.

[1155] So you were actually now a good boy and you were like, I actually don't have anything to hide, which I was hiding so much for so long.

[1156] And now I'm kind of clean and I've made some amends and life's golden.

[1157] Look through my shit.

[1158] Oh, fuck.

[1159] Wait, I forgot about that.

[1160] Damn past me You're again to haunt me Oh you guys This was the most fun thing ever You have only seen him from the chin up If you could only see him from the chin down Very similar to Dax Like tattoos And it works out Oh my God, should he and I date?

[1161] Could you send me those texts I want to see if they rile me up?

[1162] I can forward them to you, yeah I think I still have them You still have a folder Just in case I need him in the future You never know You got always have a backup plan All right.

[1163] Well, it was really nice to meet you.

[1164] Yeah, really, really nice meeting you.

[1165] I'm so glad we got to talk.

[1166] So nice to meet you, too.

[1167] Have a great day.

[1168] Bye -bye.

[1169] Oh, my God, that was fun.

[1170] Hello.

[1171] Hi.

[1172] How are you?

[1173] Is this Amanda?

[1174] Yes.

[1175] Where are you, Amanda?

[1176] I am in my closet in Not So Sunny, San Diego.

[1177] Us too.

[1178] It's a deluge outside.

[1179] Just a whole new climate we live in.

[1180] Yeah.

[1181] So what year does this Valentine's Day disaster occur?

[1182] So it takes place in 2016.

[1183] I was in Salt Lake City, Utah.

[1184] I can make some guesses already, but I guess I won't.

[1185] We don't need do.

[1186] Tattoos and piercings, you can squash your assumptions.

[1187] Okay.

[1188] I, at the time, was a retail store manager, and I had scheduled myself to close on Valentine's Day.

[1189] And so to thank my team for being there on a holiday, I decided to make treats, which I was known for, like cookies, cupcakes, brownies.

[1190] So I made some cupcakes, decorated them, all cute and fancy for Valentine's Day, and went into work feeling great.

[1191] Can I ask really quick, did you have a partner at that time?

[1192] Were you not participating in your Valentine's with a lover?

[1193] I had a husband, but we were on year four of marriage.

[1194] So we're over it.

[1195] Yeah, those days are behind us.

[1196] The year prior, we came to San Diego for Valentine's, and that's how we decided to move out here.

[1197] So that was so magical, I'll just use this year to work.

[1198] So I go into work feeling great, display my cupcakes, clock in, and within 10 minutes of being there, I'm hit with this urge.

[1199] I'm going to shit myself.

[1200] Oh, wonderful.

[1201] Okay.

[1202] I mean, not for you, but I get sad when we have a prompt that I think there'll be no booty.

[1203] Sure.

[1204] So this is a big relief.

[1205] It felt like a relief in the moment when I ran into the bathroom and was like, where did this come from?

[1206] I sit down, you know, I think you'd say Hanes, Rhea.

[1207] Okay, great, honas.

[1208] So sudden, so violent.

[1209] So as you do, you check, like, what is the damage?

[1210] What just happened here?

[1211] And I look down and pure red in the toilet.

[1212] Oh.

[1213] Oh, oh, oh.

[1214] Not just like a trace of blood in my stool.

[1215] This is so scary.

[1216] No one can listen.

[1217] I've had this.

[1218] Monica, I thought about warning.

[1219] And then I was like, I think this is okay, but as we say it, I understand.

[1220] And just so I know if this is the exact same experience I had, would you describe it as Hawaiian punch color?

[1221] Like, it's too bright.

[1222] It's not like the blood you normally see.

[1223] It's like, whoa, that's bright.

[1224] Exactly.

[1225] Curious how you've experienced this as well.

[1226] I had a fissure one time, and it was crazy.

[1227] And I filled the whole fucking toilet with blood.

[1228] And I was like, whoa.

[1229] Oh, that's Hawaiian Punch Color.

[1230] I didn't have enough time to calculate what that could have been.

[1231] Also, I'm a woman.

[1232] Generally, that color isn't.

[1233] It was just a whole different experience.

[1234] Although perfectly time for Valentine's Day.

[1235] That is the official color of the holiday.

[1236] Very romantic.

[1237] Immediately, I'm like, I have to go to urgent care because I'm bleeding out of my rectum violently.

[1238] Now I'm feeling like I have a little bit of a tummy ache, but I can't place where this came from.

[1239] It just felt so sudden.

[1240] I go out, tell my manager who was supposed to be off soon.

[1241] Hey, I know you opened the store.

[1242] I'm going to have to go.

[1243] I'm bleeding out of my rectum, but that's all I can share.

[1244] Oh, my God.

[1245] So I drive to urgent care.

[1246] I call my husband, and I'm like, hey, can you meet me at urgent care?

[1247] I think I'm dying.

[1248] I'm kind of kidding, but I'm kind of not kidding.

[1249] Right.

[1250] It's very scary.

[1251] You think you have internal bleeding, and you're dying.

[1252] You're bleeding out.

[1253] Did I fall so heavily on something in my abdomen and then, like, forget about it?

[1254] You're just going through every irrational thought as to what could be happening.

[1255] So we get there, the doctor does the normal, like, how are you feeling?

[1256] What did you do today?

[1257] What have you eaten?

[1258] Is he skirting around the implication that anal sex had been had?

[1259] I don't know if I would have been privy enough to think that at the time.

[1260] Okay, okay.

[1261] Maybe he was.

[1262] He says, you know, what did you eat today?

[1263] And I'm cataloging.

[1264] I had a croissant for breakfast.

[1265] I made these cupcakes for my team.

[1266] And at that point, I had been thinking, so they were red velvet cupcakes.

[1267] Uh -oh.

[1268] Okay.

[1269] And I thought to myself, because I eat the batter.

[1270] And I'm like, could it be?

[1271] So I tell him, you know, I have a feeling it's probably red velvet cupcake batter.

[1272] And he was like, no. This morning you did it.

[1273] That's not how digestion works.

[1274] Like, it doesn't just go through you like a cartoon.

[1275] Yeah.

[1276] 30 minutes later.

[1277] And so I'm like, okay, well, then I don't know what to tell you.

[1278] So he's like, okay, get undressed.

[1279] We're going to need to collect a sample.

[1280] And at this point, my husband's with me. And I'm like, okay, what does that entail?

[1281] In my mind's eye, I don't know if it was this dramatic, but I remember him like snapping on a glove.

[1282] Oh, sure.

[1283] We have to do it manually.

[1284] Oh, okay.

[1285] And so he steps out of the room, and I get undressed, and I'm like, I think he has to put his finger in my butt.

[1286] And my husband goes, do you think I should offer to do it?

[1287] Oh, wow.

[1288] What a helpful partner.

[1289] He's taking the opportunity when he can.

[1290] Good for him.

[1291] And I'm like, you know, of all times and places, I think it might be this doctor's job.

[1292] I would love to see the tableau of the doctor overseeing your husband do this and him standing there.

[1293] Yeah, like giving him direction.

[1294] Like, no, not that way, this way.

[1295] And so the doctor comes back in.

[1296] It's just this, like, very solemn vibe in the room.

[1297] And he's like, okay, I need you to lay on your side and curl up into a fetal position.

[1298] I made the mistake of laying on my side so I could see into my husband's eyes.

[1299] He was just sitting on the chair in front of me. I feel like I should have turned around and, like, kept some anonymity.

[1300] But I'd roll over, lay on my side and pull up my legs and just, whoop, right in to collect a sample.

[1301] And I feel like my eyes just did these, like, cartoon eyes.

[1302] My husband, who then looks at me and also has the same kind of cartoon eye reaction.

[1303] Like, we're both walked in on the least romantic moment of any Valentine's Day ever.

[1304] Stranger Fingers' wife.

[1305] Yeah, like the headlines were reading the stranger.

[1306] This, like, big tall, I don't remember if he was handsome or not, this big doctor who's, like, getting up in there, collecting a sample.

[1307] I feel like that was so invasive for just that little amount they needed.

[1308] He goes, okay, we're going to go test this.

[1309] to see if there's blood in your stool and see if we can figure out what's going on and I'll be back in a few minutes.

[1310] And I remember just sitting up and kind of having to like settle back into myself, like, did not just happen?

[1311] This is what we're doing on Valentine's.

[1312] I'm very empathetic.

[1313] Like, this poor doctor had to put his finger in someone's butt on Valentine's sake.

[1314] And again, I guess it could have been worse.

[1315] You're right.

[1316] You point out something really good.

[1317] We only think about how much we don't want a finger in our butt.

[1318] We don't think about the poor person who's got to put their finger up your butt.

[1319] That's a great perspective.

[1320] And get poop out.

[1321] Yeah.

[1322] Let's retrieve some poody.

[1323] Yeah.

[1324] Just, you know, thinking of them, we sit there and wait, and he comes in and throws his arms up in the air and goes, it was cupcakes.

[1325] No. Oh.

[1326] Oh.

[1327] I was like, what?

[1328] Hey, really?

[1329] He was like, well, it wasn't blood, so I guess it was cupcakes.

[1330] Wow.

[1331] Weird.

[1332] I guess you just had a stomach bug of some sort that just made everything go.

[1333] through you so fast.

[1334] And if you feel like you ate enough, which you don't realize when you're scooping it out and then you're cleaning that bowl.

[1335] You brought back memories.

[1336] Have you had this, Monica, where I've pounded a few of those red velvet.

[1337] And I have seen that my stool was red velvet color.

[1338] Have you ever had that?

[1339] No, I've never.

[1340] Yeah, that's happened to me as well.

[1341] Try it on valetine stay.

[1342] Don't be alarmed.

[1343] Yeah.

[1344] I guess it's like when you eat a lot of beats, which I've never done.

[1345] Well, it's just that red dye that's in the redfinite.

[1346] velvet.

[1347] It's powerful dye.

[1348] It dies your whole, everything in your stomach.

[1349] But I'm surprised it was bright red, because the red velvet's like a darker, it's dark.

[1350] More of a dark, rich mixed with the chocolate.

[1351] But think about the dye is bright as hell.

[1352] And then I had to call my job and say, hey, I can't come back.

[1353] Ever again.

[1354] Like ever.

[1355] I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs.

[1356] Like, I'm okay.

[1357] I think I have a stomach bug, but I, more than anything, just can't face society.

[1358] So I'm going to go have the rest of my least romantic.

[1359] like Valentine's 7th.

[1360] You're going to have to cancel your plans.

[1361] Oh, boy.

[1362] That's funny.

[1363] Well, God bless that other manager that worked at Dunn Doubles, I suppose.

[1364] We are best friends now.

[1365] I actually texted her last night to see what year it was.

[1366] And she was like, it was right before we came best friends.

[1367] And I remember thinking, like, this poor girl, I just felt so bad.

[1368] I would have worked for you anyways, but now we're best friends.

[1369] Oh, it all came out.

[1370] It is romantic.

[1371] It is.

[1372] It is very romantic.

[1373] Shout out to Hannah for covering my shift.

[1374] Oh, wow.

[1375] Well, Amanda, I loved that.

[1376] We needed a poody.

[1377] It was a happy ending, too, because I was expecting a fissure.

[1378] Because let me tell you, if you get one of those, they're nearly impossible to heal because it's a cut inside, and then every day you're going to poop again and stress out that cut.

[1379] I think the bright red is good, because that means it's on the outside and not internal.

[1380] Yeah, if it's dark, it's actually bad.

[1381] Okay.

[1382] So you're looking for that nice pop of Hawaiian punch.

[1383] Yeah, thank the stars.

[1384] It was a very temporary thing, but I did think.

[1385] I think I was dying.

[1386] So that was how my valentines ended.

[1387] Wow.

[1388] Thanks for sharing.

[1389] Yeah, that was great.

[1390] Very vulnerable.

[1391] Yes, very vulnerable.

[1392] I can't think of like a more vulnerable time in my life than like walking eyes with my husband and getting a nice, gentle, not so gentle poke.

[1393] Can I bring him in to say hi?

[1394] Yes, of course.

[1395] Because he was the reason I started listening to you guys going through some postpartum sadness and needed some Sunshine.

[1396] Hello.

[1397] Hello.

[1398] We know so much about you already.

[1399] Yeah, you do.

[1400] She's having a hard time remembering exactly what the doctor looked like.

[1401] I bet you remember precisely what he looked like.

[1402] He was not tall.

[1403] He definitely wasn't handsome.

[1404] He was just a very average dude.

[1405] Okay.

[1406] But if it makes her feel better to imagine it as a tall, handsome guy, we'll have to give it to her.

[1407] Sure.

[1408] Tall stud, why not?

[1409] He got more action than I. I did that show.

[1410] Let's let him have it.

[1411] Tom Selleck, big huge mustache and a great smile.

[1412] Oh, man. Well, it's very nice to meet you, and we're very proud of Amanda for telling that quite vulnerable story.

[1413] Absolutely.

[1414] And we thank you for turning her on to the show.

[1415] I've loved listening to you guys ever since the beginning, man. Since 2018, I've been listening.

[1416] Wow, this early days.

[1417] Well, this is our six -year anniversary, this glorious holiday.

[1418] It's amazing.

[1419] Well, thank you both for what you do.

[1420] We're going to continue listening, and hopefully we'll get to go to a live show.

[1421] soon.

[1422] Oh, wonderful.

[1423] Great meeting both of you guys.

[1424] Wait, I want to see.

[1425] Bye.

[1426] Wait, wait, they're my friends.

[1427] One more shout out to our son, who's been listening to you, sent fetus.

[1428] In vitro.

[1429] He's four and a half.

[1430] His name's Hendricks.

[1431] Shout out.

[1432] And he thinks every website ends with dot com slash dax.

[1433] Oh, my.

[1434] Because he hears that at.

[1435] She thinks the internet is just dot com slash jacks.

[1436] And like every so often he'll say tap the banner to learn more.

[1437] Well, thank you so much.

[1438] That's so adorable.

[1439] ZipRecruiter will be very happy to hear that.

[1440] It's so nice meeting both of you guys, and happy Valentine's Day.

[1441] I hope it goes better this year.

[1442] Thank you so much.

[1443] Nice to meet you.

[1444] Okay, bye -bye.

[1445] Oh, that was great.

[1446] This was a great episode.

[1447] Yeah, it really was.

[1448] Really strong stories.

[1449] Based on what we heard, it's like you could only have a better one than these, right?

[1450] Yeah, it can only go up in here.

[1451] Lowers the bar.

[1452] Have you had a bad one?

[1453] I can't remember.

[1454] I think I say this every year on Valentine's Day.

[1455] My favorite thing about Valentine's Day is walking into a lot.

[1456] a flower shop and watching like 26 men standing perfectly still looking down at their feet paralyzed with what to do they don't know what to do the people at the floor is it's okay yeah what's your price rang yeah what's a what's a lot or what's a good amount yeah so i spend a hundred or two hundred what that guy buy yeah i'll take what that guy bought is his wife happy oh right that was great well happy anniversary happy anniversary happy anniversary It's six years.

[1457] Let's go, girl.

[1458] Let's go.

[1459] That's one six of your life.

[1460] Wow.

[1461] Go fast, Matt.

[1462] You still got it.

[1463] Thank you.

[1464] Love you.

[1465] Love you.

[1466] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1467] We don't have a theme song.

[1468] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[1469] We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our Jerry's book and some suggestions.

[1470] I'm a flyer rhymed dish.

[1471] I'll the fire rhyme dish.

[1472] Enjoy.

[1473] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcast.

[1474] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1475] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.