Kid Who Acts Like Nothing Happened After Meltdown

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[24] How many of you have a child who will sometimes get so upset, even kind of explosive and lash out at you, say mean, disrespectful things to you.

[25] Or maybe they throw something or break something.

[26] Then they run off to their bedroom and 30 minutes later or three hours later or the next morning, they come downstairs like nothing happened.

[27] Like nothing happened at all.

[28] And they come down kind of like carefree like, hey mom, can I have a snack?

[29] You're like, wait.

[30] A few minutes ago or a few hours ago, you were, you were.

[31] are just calling me obscene names or throwing things, and now you're acting like nothing happened at all.

[32] I want to show you what to do in these situations and why it's happening, and that's what we're going to discuss today on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[33] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin founder of Celebrate Calm.

[34] You can find us to celebrate calm .com.

[35] We were first introduced to this when our son did this time after time.

[36] And to our shame, we didn't know how to handle what and so we always handled it the wrong way well Casey's a grown up now and if you need help with anything you can reach out to Casey because he was your child and he knows how all of this works so it's Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com.

[37] So I want to give credit for this podcast to Casey but also to really great mom that wrote in and here's what she said said I got your programs I bought them downloaded them on the special listening to on the app and she listens on her way back and forth to work every day and some parents will do it at home they'll do it while they're picking up their kids even let your kids listen she said here's the cool thing you addressed this specific issue you gave me five different options and even scripts and i thought well i don't really know need this our son doesn't do this one day later son does this exact same thing and she said at first i was shocked, right?

[38] Normal.

[39] But then I remembered what I was supposed to do.

[40] And she said it was so helpful because I felt confident.

[41] Like I had a game plan.

[42] Like I knew how to help my son in the moment.

[43] See, it's not just about knowing what to do.

[44] She said, I had the resources and the tools to actually help my son instead of making it worse.

[45] And that's partly why we do what we do.

[46] Look, I did it the wrong way for a long, long time.

[47] So much of what Celebrate Calm is, is please don't make the same mistakes that I made because I nearly destroyed my relationship with my son, and I don't want that to happen to you.

[48] So let's go through this situation.

[49] You will rightly say, like, well, why doesn't my child want to take responsibility for his actions and apologize?

[50] And my answer is twofold.

[51] One is, one, you and I don't want to do it either.

[52] Seriously, we don't like being held accountable.

[53] When we do something really bad, do you really want to talk about it, especially to an authority figure?

[54] Like if I was at your house for 24 hours and I saw you blowing up or losing your core or lecturing too much, would you really like it if I said, hey, Emily, won't we step into the den?

[55] nobody has dens anymore right step into our home office we need to talk about that little incident that just happened and your response would likely be oh it's okay kirk i i got it now i'll do it differently next time right that's what i would say or actually as a guy if you would have talked to me 15 years ago and said kirk listen we need to talk about your anger issues i would have been like i don't have anger issues right and you'd be like because this is what i say to guys is like Oh, of course you don't have anger issues.

[56] You just have denial issues, right?

[57] Nobody likes to be held accountable.

[58] And here's the second thing I would tell you.

[59] You know what it is?

[60] Because of shame.

[61] Because we know what we did is wrong and we're ashamed of our behavior.

[62] Isn't that what happens to you in certain situations?

[63] And isn't that what's happening to your child?

[64] Your child knows they're not supposed to scream at you and call you names and break things and run off, they're ashamed of their behavior.

[65] So here's, I want to give you some tools because when I was making the notes, I kind of make a rough outline of this, I want to make it easier for your kids to come and apologize and own their own behavior and choices.

[66] I want to reduce that friction, that resistance.

[67] Picture this, if they think that you're downstairs standing with your arms crossed and folded, just waiting for the apology, you know they're not coming downstairs, because then they're going to get the lecture.

[68] And you know what the lecture does?

[69] It heaps more and more shame on them.

[70] Well, but I need to lecture them so they know what they did was wrong.

[71] They already know what they did was wrong.

[72] That's why they lie.

[73] It's why they'd avoid you.

[74] That what they need is to be taught, but you're not standing there in this situation where the arms folded, right, waiting for the apology, we're not, we're not, our intention then is not to teach.

[75] And I need to ask you a question.

[76] Do you want an apology or do you want contrition?

[77] Do you just want to check a box off for it to feel justified that they apologize because he did something awful?

[78] Or do you actually want to teach your child something, right?

[79] What do you want out of it?

[80] What I want to end of the day is a relationship because relationships change behavior.

[81] And we just mentioned that.

[82] little phrase that came out is, I want to be prepared so I can actually help my child, right?

[83] We get this thing about, well, I just need to teach my child a lesson.

[84] No, we don't need to teach him a lesson.

[85] We need to teach him so that for his own sake, not so he doesn't offend us and say disrespectful things.

[86] Stop taking everything personally.

[87] Why can't I'm offended that my child would speak to me like that.

[88] Why are you offended?

[89] How old are you?

[90] I know I'm being a little jerky there, but if that's your attitude I don't want to say you kind of deserve it but that attitude does well my child's you're a grown -up I'm a grown -up I mean what do you think when you had kids they're going to walk around all the time say yes ma 'am yes sir so sorry I did that they're human beings you and I do the same thing often okay and my goal is to help my child I don't need the apology in this situation my life isn't fragile and broken because my child yelled at me. Of course he yelled at me. He's really frustrated, didn't know how to handle it.

[91] Partially, he handled that way because that's what I modeled for him.

[92] Right?

[93] So let's move this.

[94] Let's move this and you have to decide what am I really after here.

[95] So let me give you a couple options to handle the shame.

[96] So one is contrition yourself.

[97] Sometimes, not all the time.

[98] And you've heard me say this, but sometimes taking the first step and even apologizing yourself or showing your own contrition, your own humility, humility breaks down walls.

[99] Humility leads to contrition.

[100] Standing with your arms folded hands on your hips, waiting for the apology, that doesn't lead to anything but a defensive response.

[101] So imagine going upstairs sometimes, knocking on the door and saying, hey, Emily, I'm sorry, you know what, I shouldn't have handled the situation that way, and then walk away.

[102] Maybe that's enough right then.

[103] That you are modeling what you want your child to do.

[104] You are modeling the humility.

[105] You're modeling, modeling honesty.

[106] right of yeah i i i shouldn't have gotten upset either i kind of contributed to that so you don't have to make it a long talk i'm so sorry i shouldn't have done it just a simple statement hey case i'm sorry that i reacted to you that way i shouldn't have done that i'm sorry and then i walk away i also like the invitation right sometimes the space is helpful just to let them think about that just to let it process.

[107] You don't have to do all of this right.

[108] Well, you're supposed to discipline with your kids promptly right away.

[109] Not all the time.

[110] Sometimes the best thing is for you to cool down and for them to have time to process.

[111] But I like the invitation.

[112] So sometimes the invitation could be a little knock on the bedroom door.

[113] Hey, Case, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, handled it that way.

[114] Listen, I've got to run up to the store.

[115] You want to come help me?

[116] Because I wanted to grab something and I thought maybe you and I could get X. Or you know, I love to go into the whole Taco Bell thing.

[117] I want to go get a snack.

[118] You want to come with me?

[119] Go for a car ride.

[120] Invite them.

[121] Hey, I've got to walk the dog.

[122] Listen, if you want to come, help me. I'd love to hear what's going on because I want to help you out.

[123] See, that tone may be a lot different than it was downstairs in the kitchen.

[124] You're not going to talk to me like that.

[125] Why are you getting so upset?

[126] You know, I'm going to get, I'm going to count the 10 young man. My tone's different there.

[127] It's an invitation.

[128] And they can feel it.

[129] But here's one of the favorite examples I've ever used because it's just real life.

[130] So this happened often in our home until I finally figured out how to handle it.

[131] And I remember one of the first times that I did it well is Casey had said awful things to us.

[132] And I ran up to his room and they slammed the door.

[133] And that's a big trigger for me. Don't slam my door.

[134] And so I was really struggling because I was justified in going up and saying, I want an apology.

[135] You owe your mother.

[136] I apologize.

[137] Right now, young man if you don't do it right now you're going to lose all your privileges for the rest of the week and i would have been justified purely justified but it wouldn't have worked and it wasn't the right thing to do so i went up and i knocked on the door oh on the way up i grabbed some legos because he's big into legos at the time so i go up knock on the door and i walk in his room and i sit on the floor and I start building with his Legos.

[138] Now, I know what he was expecting.

[139] He was expecting me to open the door and stand in the door, in the frame of the door, leaning up against it or hands on my hips, waiting for the lecture, for me to let him know what an awful kid he is and how disrespectful it is to talk to your parents like that, and I would have never done that.

[140] right that's always a helpful thing that we say isn't it i would have never done that but you're so freaking awful you do it you know i've never really said that before like that but i'm going to let that stand some of you don't like the language but look the intensity of it isn't that what we're really saying i would have never said that but you're so beyond help that you actually say that to your parents don't you feel like a loaded dog you know what right now right like Like, what are we expecting?

[141] Are we expecting, like, you know what, Dad, you're right.

[142] You're so much better than me. I'm so awful.

[143] I'm just a reprobate.

[144] I don't even know why you bother to let me live in your house anymore.

[145] Right?

[146] Like, think through some of those things, right?

[147] Well, I just need to shame them into good behavior.

[148] All right.

[149] I'm not even going to dignify that one.

[150] Right?

[151] So, watch.

[152] So that's what he's expecting for me to stand in the door and have that little face off.

[153] and because I'm the adult and the parent, he's got to humble himself and bow before me and apologize.

[154] Right?

[155] That's not what good authority figures do.

[156] Good authority figures lead.

[157] We're leaders, okay?

[158] And some of you really need, including me, I had to do this a lot.

[159] Some of you who are religious need to look inside at your view of authority figures of how you view God.

[160] because if you view God as this angry guy who just punishes people all the time when he's not happy with their behavior, and that's how a lot of you grew up, and that's how I grew up, that's in there, it's not even religious, it's cultural, it's deep inside of you because maybe that's how your parents did it with you.

[161] And you're going to have to deal with that first.

[162] Don't put all of your junk on your child and expect them to deal with it when you never learned how to deal with it first because of your own parents or your own view of God or religious upbringing.

[163] You've got to deal with your own stuff first.

[164] And one of the beautiful parts of what we talk about is generational change.

[165] I want you to break these generational patterns and strongholds of thinking that you have so that your kids don't have to labor under those and suffer under those and struggle into their 30s and 40s and maybe into their 50s like some of you and I have had to do.

[166] This is a huge opportunity.

[167] Look, we're talking about, well, I need my son, I need my child to take responsibilities for his actions.

[168] Let's be the leaders and let's start doing the hard work now.

[169] It's the beginning of the new year.

[170] If you want to dig in and really change your family, change yourself because that will change all of your interactions.

[171] So instead of standing in the doorway, I sat down for once and I started building with Legos.

[172] And I can remember this.

[173] This is probably 15, 16 years ago.

[174] Okay, it's just a little kid and there's this there's all this tension in the room picture this we just had a big blow up and there were tears and there's anger and there's frustration and there's confusion and now i'd knock on the door instead of coming in and barking at him and his face off i'm sitting on the floor and this kid my son's sitting on his bed what do you think he feels like right then things all full with pride like i showed my parents what to do of course not he's filled with shame and now's god his dad sitting on the floor that's different to him of like, why is he sitting on the floor?

[175] And he was waiting to be lectured and yelled at like I had always done.

[176] But now I'm sensing there's something different.

[177] My tone's different.

[178] My tone of my body posture is different.

[179] I'm playing with his legos on the floor.

[180] I'm not looking at him, staring at him in his shame, right?

[181] Some of you, look, please don't get offended by this.

[182] Oh, you mentioned religion.

[183] Well, look, deal with it.

[184] We're all great.

[185] grown -ups here.

[186] I'm not advocating a certain religion and you change.

[187] I bring up situations because they're true life stories and most people have dealt with religion usually in a really negative way.

[188] But for those of you who remember the story of when they, remember when they brought the prostitute to Jesus, all the men brought the prostitute caught in the act to Jesus.

[189] And he knelt in the freaking dirt.

[190] He didn't look at her and lecture young lady.

[191] Do you know what you've been doing?

[192] No, he averted his eyes from her shame.

[193] It is a beautiful, beautiful thing that he didn't stare at her and lecture her and further.

[194] He looks in the dirt and guess who he yelled at and got on?

[195] All the men who had brought her to them.

[196] Those of you who have without sin, and I believe one of the interpretations I've heard from a Jewish scholar was those of you without the same adultery you go right you throw the first stone and of course they all dropped their stones and walked away because they were all guilty but it's an important story where do you think it whatever you think of it it's a great story because it shows the shame that was evident in this woman and that the authority figure in the situation averted his eyes and knelt and drew in the dirt and so as I'm sitting on the floor I can feel this tension and my son's up look it's not a kid it's not a child it's my son who's up there I know my job is to teach them and discipline them yes and discipline means to teach but you change behavior by building a relationship by loving people not by digging in because I'm justified under the law to yell at him because I'm the authority figure it's my son up there and I can feel the tension and I'm trying to figure out what's in his brain right now because there's this guy who a few minutes earlier a few hours earlier was really angry at me and I know I did something wrong and I don't look up but I can feel him inching toward the side of the bed and after a few minutes he kind of slides down off the bed you know what hit me my son's being vulnerable he's asking himself can i trust this man who's sitting on the floor he's my dad and i want to be close to him and i want to trust him but i've never been able to and i look up to him and i want to please my dad but i don't know what's about to happen because the past 15 times i got a lecture and I got yelled at and I got shame because I never would have done this to my father.

[197] But I'm sensing something different in my dad right now because he's sitting on the floor and I want to be close to him, but I don't know if it's safe or not.

[198] And so this thing that happened when he was nine set us up for when he was 16 and 17 and 23 and 27 when he's going through really hard stuff in life and he wonders, can I call my dad and tell my dad what I did, and is that safe?

[199] That happened when he was nine, playing with a stupid Legos on the floor instead of yelling at him, so he slides off the bed onto the floor, and I still don't look at him.

[200] And I say, I thought we could build that spaceship, that thing you like to build.

[201] Can you hand me a red one?

[202] And we start building with his Legos.

[203] And now we're together.

[204] Picture it.

[205] We're together.

[206] We're not separated physically.

[207] We're not separated by anger.

[208] We're not separated by shame.

[209] We're together on the floor building.

[210] And you know what happened?

[211] He said, Dad, I'm really sorry.

[212] I didn't mean those things that I said, and I'm sorry.

[213] And at that moment, I got contrition.

[214] See, that's what we want.

[215] He wanted a do -over.

[216] He wanted me to know, I didn't.

[217] mean those things.

[218] And now that we're in that posture in that moment, I can say, I know you didn't, son.

[219] I know you didn't.

[220] You just don't know what to do when you get frustrated and so you lash out.

[221] And guess what?

[222] I do the same thing.

[223] So here's what I'm learning to do differently.

[224] Do you want to try that next time?

[225] He'd be like, yes.

[226] And see what happened in that moment?

[227] I got contrition and I taught my son something.

[228] And I built my relationship with trust deeper than it ever had been after one of the worst moments in our experience together.

[229] There are opportunities here, opportunities to bond, to draw closer.

[230] But these moments happen.

[231] And it's not about a technique.

[232] It's about a relationship and how you do these things and what I want is for you to have the tools to know how to do these things so I'm inviting you into a different way of relating to your kids and to yourself to break those generational patterns I would ask you to try this to just to work on this if we can help you reach out to Casey at C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com look at the specials on the website we've created these things We have this new app that works really, really easily so you can listen throughout the day, listen when you can, so you can break these patterns for your kids.

[233] That's my goal as we go into the new year.

[234] Let's break these patterns.

[235] So some of these things that we've had since childhood, our views of authority, so that our kids don't have to go through the same pain and ick that we did and don't have to inflict that on their kids, right?

[236] No guilt, no blame.

[237] Today is a new day.

[238] We get to handle this.

[239] in a new way so let's do that love you all talk to you soon bye -bye