Armchair Anonymous: Valentines Disaster

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard.

[5] I'm joined by Mr. Mous.

[6] Hello.

[7] Happy Valentine's Day.

[8] Happy Valentine.

[9] Happy anniversary.

[10] Happy anniversary, too.

[11] Do you ever see the movie Welcome to the Doll House?

[12] No. It's tremendous.

[13] there's a teenage band and the parents ask him to play at their anniversary party and they play this song and it goes Happy anniversary Happy anniversary to you You're the greatest couple that the world is ever known Happy anniversary to you And so I sing you that song Oh, I love that To be the bear of bad news But this will be out on the 10th It's not actually Valentine's Day When this is released Oh, okay.

[14] It's the Valentine's episode.

[15] It's the anniversary episode.

[16] Sometimes I think Rob hates me. No, I just don't want.

[17] He sees me like he's on a roll.

[18] I see the comments.

[19] No, I see the comments.

[20] Okay.

[21] I don't want you to be made a fool.

[22] Oh, you don't want me to be a sucker.

[23] No, we learned that that's a stupid thing to be concerned about.

[24] So anyways, Valentine's Day is our anniversary.

[25] So I'm going to say it anyways, happy anniversary.

[26] Yeah, happy anniversary.

[27] And I'm going to say, you're the greatest couple that the world is ever.

[28] Okay.

[29] Today is Valentine's Day disasters.

[30] And boy, there's some great ones.

[31] Big time.

[32] They get really wild.

[33] There are some really funny ones.

[34] There's some blood and gore.

[35] Yeah.

[36] There's some fire.

[37] There's some all kinds of, yes.

[38] Everything happens, as you would expect, on Valentine's Day.

[39] So, despite the fact that it's not Valentine's Day today.

[40] That's okay.

[41] Nor is it our anniversary.

[42] Thank you, Rob.

[43] Please enjoy Valentine's Day disasters.

[44] Come and go Take them slow Valentine's Day Disaster El Pasor Danny Oh my goodness Hello Hello This is so exciting Oh good You got a unicorn Yeah who's that little friend Oh I have a unicorn This is my five -year -old daughter's closet That I have commandeered What is this little critter you have I'm seeing the face of a capuch on your right bicep.

[45] Oh, it's an owl.

[46] Oh, it's an owl.

[47] Okay.

[48] It's one of the early ones.

[49] How many do you have?

[50] A lot?

[51] I waited until I was 30 before I started getting them.

[52] Oh.

[53] Because?

[54] Well, I got one when I was 16.

[55] It was a son with a smiley face that I picked off the wall.

[56] Nice.

[57] Lower back?

[58] I wish it was a tramp stamp deck, but it wasn't.

[59] It was upper back.

[60] So close.

[61] There we go.

[62] So I learned a lesson.

[63] And I decided to wait a little bit before.

[64] I really dug in after that.

[65] Right, right, right.

[66] How old are you now?

[67] I'm 41.

[68] Well, you look great.

[69] Everything's holding up nicely.

[70] Sure do.

[71] You both look great.

[72] You're both very good looking.

[73] Oh, God, thank you.

[74] You know exactly what to say.

[75] Yeah, we're very vain.

[76] We're so vain.

[77] It's crazy.

[78] What a treat.

[79] This is the best day of my life already, so we can only go up from here.

[80] Should we just call it?

[81] I mean, that was pretty perfect.

[82] I'm good.

[83] Okay.

[84] You've got a Valentine's disaster story for us.

[85] I do.

[86] Hit us, Danny.

[87] So my Valentine's Day disaster, it started in grade 10, but for context, I want to take you back to grade 9, Danny.

[88] So you could really get a sense of why it was such a punishing experience for me. Grade 9 Danny was trying to figure it out.

[89] You know, he was new to high school, like a lot of people.

[90] You're just trying out some new personas, some new styles.

[91] And the way I would do it, I would get into a music genre, and I would live it.

[92] Okay.

[93] So I got into punk music.

[94] I have green hair.

[95] I have ripped jeans.

[96] Are you getting punk t -shirts on Youngstreet?

[97] I am getting punk t -shirts on Young Street.

[98] That was my life in junior high.

[99] Yeah, I lived for that.

[100] Absolutely.

[101] I have shoes with removable spikes, Velcro spikes.

[102] Oh, mine.

[103] Awesome.

[104] It was full on.

[105] And then I get into jam bands, and all of a sudden I'm making my own power.

[106] patchwork pants and I look like clown pants and I have this floppy hat but in hindsight is basically a quartz jester hat.

[107] I got really into Pearl Jam and I basically became like an Eddie Vedder impersonator at a certain point where I had long hair and like a brown corduroy jacket and a backwards Yankees had and while I'm doing a lot of different cultural switches with subcultures, I'm not getting a lot of dates.

[108] That summer, my old older brother, five years older, he sits me down and he says, look, grade 10's coming.

[109] It's okay to like the music, but you don't have to be like the mascot of every genre of music you're into.

[110] So let's go get a haircut, maybe.

[111] Go a little incognito for grade 10.

[112] It was sort of like, she's all that moment.

[113] Yes, I'm imagining this walking down the stairs, new you.

[114] A reset.

[115] Instead of taking my glasses off and being prom queen, I'm taking the spikes off my shoes and hoping for a date.

[116] And a few months into grade 10, bam, I'm dating a really hot girl at my school.

[117] Wow.

[118] Congratulations.

[119] Thank you so much.

[120] She was someone I never would have expected to be dating.

[121] She had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy who was like a bad boy.

[122] It was like in and out of jail.

[123] He had a motorcycle.

[124] Wow.

[125] Sign me up.

[126] Yeah.

[127] So I was there with my new t -shirt and jeans and haircut.

[128] And I'm thinking I got to really try really hard to be a romantic king here.

[129] And right after we start dating, like weeks, it's Valentine's Day.

[130] So the stakes are high.

[131] So I sit down my whole family.

[132] I beg them, like promise favors, vacate the house.

[133] I need the house.

[134] Give me a couple hours.

[135] Wow.

[136] And they agree.

[137] Wow.

[138] What a liberal family, progressive.

[139] Thank you.

[140] And I decide I'm going to cook a pasta dinner.

[141] Well, it might not seem impressive.

[142] now to make pasta.

[143] At the time, it's like a Noma dinner.

[144] Like, it's very exciting.

[145] And then I need to buy a present.

[146] And the present, there's a lot of pressure.

[147] I don't have very much money.

[148] I maybe saved up like 50 bucks.

[149] I go to the mall.

[150] It's the piece de resistance.

[151] Let's do this.

[152] I'm considering jewelry, CDs.

[153] And then I pass by a store and I find the best present I could ever think of, which is the commemorative, collectible set of the Spice Girls, basically five dolls, Spice World era.

[154] Okay.

[155] In hindsight, risky choice.

[156] Very big swing.

[157] What was she into Spice?

[158] Did you know?

[159] The world was into Spice Girls.

[160] Yeah, this was like Spice World, but I'm also just coming off of living everything about music, so I think I would love it if someone got me a pearl jam.

[161] Dull set.

[162] Dahl set, yeah, sure.

[163] You're waiting for someone to get you that.

[164] I get all these things together.

[165] The night comes.

[166] I'm terrified.

[167] I'm making pasta.

[168] She shows up.

[169] I'm, like, waiting at the door with a gift bag filled with Spice Girls dolls.

[170] Is she think you're a bachelor?

[171] Like, have you told her, hey, I asked my family to get lost?

[172] It's been explained.

[173] My family's going out.

[174] Okay, great, great, great.

[175] Yeah, just lucky coincidence.

[176] They happen to be gone.

[177] Why don't you swing by for some PASDA?

[178] Exactly.

[179] Sounds so casual when you say it, that she was not that.

[180] casual at all.

[181] So she shows up, I'm waiting at the door, like, with the gift bag.

[182] I'm so excited.

[183] I presented to her.

[184] It's a success.

[185] She gave me a big kiss.

[186] Ooh.

[187] Lovely past a dinner.

[188] Oh, my God.

[189] My parents come home after dinner, and it's a perfect excuse to say, why don't we go upstairs to my room somewhere more private?

[190] Oh, wow.

[191] Okay.

[192] Just at the stage, my bedroom, it's like a small jail cell.

[193] There's pretty much a single bed caught against the wall and like a dresser.

[194] So knowing that I, in advance, I had to dress it up a little.

[195] So I put some balloons up, hearts.

[196] Hearts.

[197] As you do it's something, say, Cupid.

[198] Sure, sure, sure.

[199] I bought a whole bunch of tea light candles, and I set them up on the floor in a heart, and I lit them.

[200] I don't know if Monica's laughing with me or at me anymore.

[201] Well, this is very John Cusack.

[202] I have a lot of thoughts right now.

[203] First of all, headline, you're so sweet.

[204] Yeah.

[205] You're so sweet.

[206] I know.

[207] This is a guy who has to compete against a man who was in jail before.

[208] Well, this is what I have to offer.

[209] I know.

[210] That's what's driving some of my fear.

[211] If I was the recipient of that, I'd be panicked.

[212] If you were her?

[213] If I went into a gal's room and it was that decorated and candles everywhere and in the shape, I would just be panicked.

[214] Like, uh -oh, she wants to get married.

[215] I'm scared.

[216] But we're 15.

[217] Exactly.

[218] 15 and girls at that age.

[219] That's the fantasy.

[220] That is the fantasy.

[221] And you want to be able to go back to your girlfriends and like, it was this.

[222] Okay.

[223] He did this.

[224] Okay, great.

[225] You're not cynical yet, I guess.

[226] We got cynical and I got cynical, but this is early days.

[227] Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[228] I set it up.

[229] I set like a CD to, like, go.

[230] So she comes in, we sit on the bed.

[231] We're making out.

[232] Yeah.

[233] Throws a passion, young love.

[234] Oh, wow.

[235] Garments are coming off.

[236] Oh, wow.

[237] We're in our underwear.

[238] Can I ask, had you ever seen boobs at that point?

[239] I had seen boobs, but summer camp incidents.

[240] Okay.

[241] You're thrilled, though.

[242] It's an absolute treat.

[243] Yes, yes, yes.

[244] There's nothing in life that quite matches it.

[245] You know, you wish it could go back.

[246] Oh, if only.

[247] So we're sort of getting hot and heavy for like 10, 15 minutes.

[248] And at that point, I opened my eyes and sort of reposition myself.

[249] And I opened my eyes just long enough to see that my bedroom floor is completely on fire.

[250] Okay.

[251] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[252] Okay.

[253] It sounded like way too many candles for the space.

[254] There's a lot of candles, and like, now I've learned that tea candles need to be in a vessel, but we didn't know this at the time.

[255] Oh, they were just.

[256] This is what I'm always saying.

[257] You've heard me rage on about this.

[258] Once you see candles set a room on fire, like I've seen it, it happened in my mom's house.

[259] Once you see that once you're like, you can't fuck around.

[260] It's like having dynamite just kind of casually simmering somewhere in the house.

[261] I'm now, like, if there's a candle lit in our home right now, I'm aware of it at all time.

[262] Yes.

[263] Same, same, same.

[264] Fool me once.

[265] So the floor is on fire, and it's not a small fire.

[266] Okay.

[267] You'd be satisfied if this was like a small bonfire outside.

[268] Oh, my God.

[269] You could roast a marshmallow.

[270] I jump up, like, there's no frames in between me lying down and standing.

[271] And really what I'm doing is I'm looking around the room thinking, what in this room can I use to put out this fire?

[272] Because I don't want my parents to come in.

[273] Yeah, burn the house down.

[274] Right, because the tops are off.

[275] I want to get back in the bed.

[276] Keep the momentum going.

[277] But the smoke alarms go off immediately.

[278] Oh, boy.

[279] And it's loud, and there's yelling and stomping of feet coming upstairs, and the door is pushed open, and my parents are standing there, and we are in our underwear.

[280] The room is smoky, no, and my father's, like, ushering us out of the room into the hallway.

[281] It's humiliated.

[282] And so we're standing in the hallway.

[283] My father's, like, filling up buckets of water from the bathroom and, like, throwing them on my floor.

[284] My mom's covering up my girlfriend with a towel.

[285] Oh.

[286] Trying to comfort her and looking at me, like, what are you, like, having satanic fire sex on your floor now?

[287] Like, what is happening in there?

[288] Yeah.

[289] What is going on?

[290] And finally, the fire gets put out.

[291] We all go inside to, like, assess the damage of what's happened.

[292] And it becomes very, very...

[293] very clear what has caused this fire.

[294] Firstly, the pillows in the throes of passion were kicked off the bed.

[295] And that really acted as a sort of igniter to the fire.

[296] Accelerant, yeah.

[297] But really the kindling, the meat and potatoes of the fire.

[298] Oh, no. Don't say it.

[299] The Spice Girl Dolls?

[300] It was the Girl Power Spice Girls.

[301] That really ratcheted it up.

[302] Sent this thing going.

[303] They are fiery, those spice girls.

[304] They are.

[305] Even though this chaos is happening, I'm thinking, I need to at least save some of these spice girls.

[306] That will salvage the night.

[307] Yeah, yeah.

[308] She got to go home of something.

[309] She does, right?

[310] But they're mangled.

[311] They've melted.

[312] I think ginger spice survived.

[313] The rest of the four were not so lucky.

[314] Oh, wow.

[315] You know, she left pretty quick because she's embarrassed.

[316] And also, like, we can't be in my room anymore because now it's, like, burning plastic also and smoke.

[317] It's a hazard.

[318] I sleep on the couch.

[319] My brother and sister come home.

[320] They're, like, really having a good time making fun of me. Oh, what could be better?

[321] That's one of the great days of their life.

[322] It was.

[323] And literally, my Valentine's Day went up in flames.

[324] How long did you guys stay together?

[325] We stayed together until prom at the end of school.

[326] That's an eternity in 10th grade.

[327] It was.

[328] I mean, it was tumultuous.

[329] Like, we definitely broke up many times.

[330] But we made it to the end, and I even got my angsty style back.

[331] Like, I started wearing shiny pants and goggles at a certain point.

[332] And wait, can I ask a question?

[333] Was she wearing like a song?

[334] Yes.

[335] I would have loved to have asked that, but it would have been inappropriate.

[336] Not conservative coverage.

[337] Yeah, if I, on Valentine's Day in five years from now, I was six, hear the fire alarm's going off in my daughter's bedroom, and I go up there and a guy comes out with a shlong out and the room's on fire, I hope I perform as well as your folks did, you know?

[338] Yeah, that's all you can hope.

[339] I'll give this guy a towel to cover up his...

[340] Yeah.

[341] Well, Danny, that was a lovely story.

[342] Very, very, um, endearing.

[343] It is very sweet.

[344] Life affirming.

[345] I really liked it.

[346] Thank you.

[347] This is such a trait.

[348] It's just so exciting to see you both and to talk to you both.

[349] Good.

[350] That's so nice.

[351] It was for us, too.

[352] Yes.

[353] Take care.

[354] All right, you too.

[355] All right.

[356] Here comes Terry.

[357] Hello.

[358] Hi, guys.

[359] How are you?

[360] Oh, wonderful.

[361] Are we speaking with Terry?

[362] You are.

[363] Oh, wonderful.

[364] You're in your closet, Monica's so happy.

[365] There's so many clothes that's going to sound so good.

[366] Oh, yeah.

[367] A veritable sound booth.

[368] It's kind of big, though, so I'm not really sure how it's going to go, but I'm trying to tuck in my wife's side of the closet.

[369] More clothes are on that side?

[370] The thicker clothes.

[371] She likes sweatshirts year -round.

[372] Okay.

[373] Are you in an environment that lends itself to that style?

[374] Absolutely not.

[375] Okay.

[376] You in San Diego or something?

[377] You actually watched a documentary about the town I live in.

[378] I live in Perrump, Nevada.

[379] Oh, wonderful.

[380] Yes, I love that news show.

[381] Do you, though?

[382] I do.

[383] I do.

[384] Okay.

[385] The town is exactly what they portray on the talk, though.

[386] Do you ever bump into Heidi Fleisch?

[387] No, she doesn't live here anymore.

[388] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[389] Yeah, it's all right.

[390] I do live about a mile and a half from the brothels, though.

[391] Oh, nice.

[392] And when you drive by, are you, like, peeping to see what kind of action's coming out of there?

[393] You have to kind of go out of there?

[394] of your way to get there, but I did drive my parents there, and they have one of those cutouts that you can stick your head in, and like the body is painted on the board.

[395] And I made my parents stand in it with their heads, and my poor dad looked mortified, but it was worth it.

[396] Oh, that's wonderful.

[397] Yeah.

[398] Okay, so you have a crazy Valentine's story.

[399] I do.

[400] It happened in 1995, so I was a freshman in college.

[401] I had decided to come home to surprise my parents for Valentine's day.

[402] And they were both at work.

[403] I knew that when I got there.

[404] And I walked into the house.

[405] And we had an alarm system.

[406] Before we go into that, you need to know that my dad was a federal agent and he was a pilot for the U .S. Customs Air Branch.

[407] And they did like the drug enforcement side.

[408] So pushing drug planes out of the air, that sort of thing.

[409] And we had had some death threats against the family to the point where we were put into protective custody, had to leave this state until the people were apprehended.

[410] Oh, my God.

[411] Wow.

[412] So like cartel level and a Well, they acted like they were cartel level.

[413] So anyway, I come home and I walk in the door to turn the alarm off.

[414] And when you turn the alarm off, if it has been tripped that day, it beeps different.

[415] So I knew that the alarm had been tripped at some point that day.

[416] I don't think a whole lot about it.

[417] But my dog is out back, which is weird and of itself.

[418] And he is freaking out.

[419] So I go to the back door to let him in.

[420] And instead of his usual exuberance over me having come home, he speeds right past me. through the foyer, up the stairs, to my parents' bedroom, and I can hear him growling, which is odd because this dog does not bark at anything.

[421] So I go up, and my parents' toilet area is behind, like, a pocket door, and my mother always left it open, so the germs didn't get trapped in there.

[422] It's closed, and the dog is completely going bananas.

[423] Obviously, someone is in the bathroom.

[424] Oh.

[425] Right.

[426] My dad had guns in the house and had taken us all many times to learn gun safety and how to use them properly or whatever.

[427] So I go to get the one that I know to usually be in the closet, but it's not there.

[428] So I call my dad's office.

[429] Sometimes he would move it.

[430] So to find out where it was.

[431] And they're like, honey, your dad's in El Paso today.

[432] And so I guess you could tell from my voice, because I've known these guys forever, that something was wrong.

[433] He says, what's going on?

[434] And I said, there's someone in our house.

[435] And he's like, what do you mean?

[436] Is that why Kane's freaking out?

[437] And I'm like, yeah, because they all know the dog.

[438] Short for cocaine.

[439] I mean, that's kind of a fun drug enforcement.

[440] For raising cane.

[441] So he patches me through to 911.

[442] He starts the conversation off with, hey, we have a federal agent's daughter.

[443] She's in her home.

[444] We know the family well.

[445] Their dog is not prone to barking.

[446] It's freaking out because there's an intruder locked in the bathroom.

[447] She's 18 years old.

[448] Get there.

[449] So he says, Terry, we're on our way.

[450] 911, you finish with her.

[451] We're sending guys now.

[452] Oh, wow.

[453] So the agent that I know has disconnected the call.

[454] I'm now just talking to 911.

[455] and I have now run to my bedroom, which faces the front of the house.

[456] Is this story in Arizona?

[457] It was in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

[458] Okay, okay, okay.

[459] Breaking bad.

[460] Exactly.

[461] So I am looking out the window knowing agents are coming.

[462] Of course, they're coming from across the city, but I think they're going to be there in 2 .5 seconds.

[463] And I'm talking to the police, giving them my address, all of our information.

[464] She can hear the dog barking.

[465] She's commented on it many times.

[466] A few minutes go by.

[467] agents are now pulling up to the house.

[468] Pulling up is a slight downgrade of what they were doing.

[469] They are fish tailing into the cul -de -sac, up onto the yard, into the driveway.

[470] They're covering the whole place.

[471] The Albuquerque Police Tourment is literally right behind them.

[472] There's probably eight, nine cars in total, and it is like out of a movie.

[473] The doors are swung open.

[474] The guns are drawn.

[475] They're standing behind their door.

[476] They're coordinating this and coordinating that, and three or four of them go running towards the door.

[477] They break in the front door.

[478] They run upstairs.

[479] The agents know where my bedroom is.

[480] Again, they've been in our house a million times.

[481] And they're like, Terry, Terry, Terry, I get off the phone with the 911 operator.

[482] Two officers and two agents come running into my room.

[483] They want me out of the house first.

[484] So I have a police officer in front of me, a police officer behind me, and two federal agents on the side of me. They've got their hand on the back of my head, pushing it down, just like you see on TV.

[485] I was afraid to leave my room by myself because you had to go past my parents' room.

[486] to go back down the stairs so I'm like no thanks so they escort me down the stairs out the front door I start telling the other officers exactly what's going on they had at this point sealed the entrances and exits to our neighborhood oh my but they were letting residents in and so at about this time my mother's van pulls around the corner and she of course is like what is going on and I run up to her mom oh my god it's terrible there's somebody in the house and she's like what freaking out And I was like, yeah, Cain is going berserk.

[487] He's got him locked in the bathroom.

[488] She's like, my bathroom?

[489] I said, yeah.

[490] And she just lowers her head into her hand.

[491] She goes, oh, Terry.

[492] At that same moment, the agents and the officers that were in the house came out, holding a Mylar Valentine's Day balloon that my father had apparently given my mother for Valentine's Day.

[493] The dog was terrified of it.

[494] So she locked it in the bathroom.

[495] No. So she locked in the bathroom to keep Cain calm.

[496] And when he was still going berserk, when she left for work, she put the dog in the backyard.

[497] And he had apparently been jumping on the back door trying to get in and rattled it enough to set the alarm off.

[498] Oh, oh, wait, I forgot the best part.

[499] While I'm talking to my mom, you hear this, wot, wot, wot, wot.

[500] My dad's boss had launched the helicopter.

[501] There's a black hawk, black hawk helicopter hovering in our cul -de -sac.

[502] Guy had a gunship in the air.

[503] Oh, my God.

[504] So I spent like 50 grand in government money over a mylar balloon.

[505] Oh, my God.

[506] And are you embarrassed?

[507] What are your thoughts?

[508] This is mom's fault?

[509] How are you feeling in this moment?

[510] No, I wasn't embarrassed at all.

[511] Because of the things our family had been through.

[512] Yeah.

[513] They had kind of coached us.

[514] Like, if this happens, then this.

[515] So we had kind of been prepared that we contact them immediately.

[516] We do all the things.

[517] And they were going to take it very.

[518] very seriously.

[519] So they were like, you did the right thing.

[520] If this ever happens again, react the same way.

[521] I'm so relieved.

[522] There was a nanosecond where I thought, Dad's out of town.

[523] Oh, no. You're supposed to be at school.

[524] Mom's returning back with more wine.

[525] Oh, God.

[526] There's a fell in the toilet.

[527] I mean, I'm waiting to see a guy in a ball gag come out of the bathroom.

[528] That could have been a desert.

[529] Because not only if she bust in, bust in, bust in front of all the co -workers.

[530] Right.

[531] No, my mother is the closest thing you'll get to a saint.

[532] She is truly the best.

[533] So that would never happen.

[534] But, yeah, no, just a balloon.

[535] That's fantastic.

[536] Oh, my God, a helicopter in the air.

[537] And it's a black hawk.

[538] It's not like a little tiny helicopter.

[539] It's one that takes up the whole cul -de -sac.

[540] Oh, my God.

[541] The tiles on the roofs are rattling.

[542] It's a whole situation.

[543] Sure, sure, sure.

[544] Oh, my God.

[545] The neighborhood's blocked up.

[546] This is incredible.

[547] All the neighbors are like, holy shit.

[548] Yeah.

[549] There's a cartel gun battle about to go off.

[550] Like, what has this family gotten into now?

[551] Because it wasn't their first experience with crazy.

[552] Oh, my God.

[553] Wow.

[554] What a great Valentine's story.

[555] Yeah.

[556] Holy smokes.

[557] What a ride.

[558] Well, Terry, is great meeting you.

[559] Thanks for sharing that story with us.

[560] Thank you so much.

[561] I really love the show.

[562] Take care.

[563] All right.

[564] Bye -bye.

[565] Bye -bye.

[566] Oh, that is so funny.

[567] Oh, my God.

[568] A balloon.

[569] I couldn't get more comical.

[570] I'm surprised they didn't tell her to get out of the house.

[571] earlier yeah yeah well it sounded like she was afraid to walk by the bedroom yeah someone's with a gun in that bathroom yeah balloon with a gun getting out we've all been there turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains debilitating body aches sudden fevers and strange rashes though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios it's usually nothing but for an unlucky few these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[572] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[573] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[574] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[575] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[576] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[577] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon music.

[578] What's up, guys?

[579] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[580] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[581] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[582] And I don't mean just friends.

[583] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[584] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[585] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[586] All right.

[587] here's Amy named Hazel on Zoom Rob's private power struggles with these names and stuff like we don't even really know what happens Right what just happened Well the person's name is Amy But their name on Zoom is Just flagging it What was the case?

[588] Hazel Hazel He's always there's always a discrepancy He's wrestling with a whole other set of things That we aren't even were spared Yep Can you hear me?

[589] I can hear you We can hear you But we can't see.

[590] Oh, you can't see me?

[591] Let me call my daughter.

[592] Hazel.

[593] Oh, there you go, Rob.

[594] Riddles Salt.

[595] She's using her daughter's Zoom.

[596] Oh.

[597] Hey, we got you.

[598] Oh, my God.

[599] This is adorable.

[600] Good job, Hazel.

[601] Will you shut the door, Hayes?

[602] Oh, my gosh.

[603] I'm so embarrassed.

[604] No, that's so cute.

[605] What's the little boy's name?

[606] James.

[607] James and Hazel.

[608] She's my oldest and he's my little baby.

[609] We're visiting her, actually.

[610] Oh, she's old enough to be visited?

[611] Yeah, she's 21, and he's five.

[612] There is, like, a big span.

[613] Oh, nice.

[614] Yeah.

[615] There's a few in between them, too, but they're all wonderful.

[616] And he has never heard of the procedure of vasectomy.

[617] He's not aware that that was a procedure that he could have gotten.

[618] He's heard of it, yeah, he's heard of it.

[619] That's all he's done is heard of it.

[620] He's not a fan.

[621] Yeah, sure.

[622] It's not for everyone.

[623] Where are you visiting her?

[624] Hawaii.

[625] We were just in Hawaii yesterday.

[626] I landed at 5 a .m. from Hawaii.

[627] We were on the North Shore for four days, and then we were by Honolulu for a day.

[628] That's where she lives on the North Shore in Laia.

[629] This was all meant to be.

[630] If I was at home and, like, all my kids were at school and I was alone, I would have just had to bow out.

[631] I don't know how to do any of this.

[632] Yeah, yeah.

[633] Any of these children, is their origin story Valentine's Day?

[634] No. No. Okay.

[635] All right.

[636] Hit us with it, Amy.

[637] Okay, so we're going way back to 1991.

[638] I was a junior in high school in California.

[639] I'm born and raised in California.

[640] San Diego area?

[641] In Thousand Oaks.

[642] Oh, sure, sure, sure.

[643] Close by.

[644] You know what's great about Thousand Oaks, especially in 91, there was an Olga's kitchen.

[645] Did you ever eat at Olga's?

[646] Yes, of course.

[647] Olga's Kitchen.

[648] We were so sad when that closed.

[649] Olga's kitchen was like amazing.

[650] Yes, that's a Detroit chain.

[651] No way.

[652] I didn't know that.

[653] There was only one in California, and I used to drive up to it pretty regularly to get a triple cheese.

[654] Everyone loved Olga's Kitchen.

[655] Yes.

[656] Oh, I'm glad we share that.

[657] So 91, I'm a junior in high school, and I have my first boyfriend, and he was just like the best.

[658] He was on the baseball team, the basketball team.

[659] It was so fun.

[660] It was like the perfect first boyfriend experience where I would go to his basketball games, like his whole family was there.

[661] He'd come over to my house and play basketball with my little brother, and I was just like, this is perfect right and he was one of those guys that I was like friends with first and then his personality was like so great he was so funny we would talk on the phone for hours at night the dream so we were dating I worked at the shoe store in the mall and Valentine's Day came around and so he said why don't you come over before work and I'll give you your Valentine's Day present I was like oh my gosh this is so perfect like I have a boyfriend and he got me a present Like, oh, my gosh.

[662] So I went over to his house.

[663] I went in, and he had this long stem red rose with, like, plastic around it.

[664] Like, you would buy it at the gas station, right?

[665] But I was thrilled.

[666] I was like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe he got me something.

[667] It was amazing.

[668] And so we were hanging out of his house.

[669] I had a while before I had to go to work.

[670] And so we were, like, making out on the couch and just, like, having a perfect Valentine's Day.

[671] So after a while, he was like, I think you need to go to work.

[672] And I was like, oh, I have some time.

[673] Don't worry.

[674] Like, I came over way early.

[675] and he's like, okay, well, I don't want you to be late.

[676] Uh -oh.

[677] And then he kept going, like, I think you should go.

[678] Like, you really, like, you want to be responsible.

[679] I was like, I'm fine.

[680] Let's keep making out.

[681] This is the best day ever.

[682] Oh, boy.

[683] He was getting nervous, but, like, I was so clueless.

[684] And then he was like, no, really, you need to go to work.

[685] I'm not going to be the one that makes you late for work.

[686] So I'm like, fine, whatever.

[687] So I got up, and I was going, and I see, like, a car pull up to his house.

[688] And my friend gets out of the car.

[689] And I was like, oh, my God.

[690] Gosh.

[691] What is she doing here?

[692] And then I could see he was getting nervous.

[693] And he's like, oh, you better go.

[694] Why don't you go out this door, like the side door?

[695] Oh, my God.

[696] And I was like, no, I want to say hi to her.

[697] Like, I'm not going to be rude.

[698] I want to say hi.

[699] And so he went to the door and I followed him to the door.

[700] And then out of the corner of my eye, like as you went to the door, the door was off the entry hall for some reason.

[701] And the washer and dryer were there.

[702] And on top of the washer and dryer are two more red, long stone roses.

[703] This went to have staggered.

[704] Oh, my God.

[705] He's staggered.

[706] Hold on.

[707] Two for her, or there's two more people coming over?

[708] Yeah, there's two more people coming over.

[709] Oh.

[710] So I was like, wait, is that for her?

[711] And he was like, yeah.

[712] And I was like, Duh.

[713] Hold on.

[714] I'm your girlfriend.

[715] And he said, I know.

[716] Yeah, you are my girlfriend.

[717] But I love her too.

[718] Oh.

[719] Oh, my God, in 11th grade.

[720] I love her too.

[721] She deserves a rose on Valentine's Day.

[722] And I was like, well, who's the other one for?

[723] And he said the name of the other girl that's the other one was for.

[724] He's a polygamist.

[725] And he was like, you're my girlfriend, but like these two other girls, they deserve roses on Valentine's Day too.

[726] Absolutely not apologetic.

[727] No, I'm so sorry.

[728] This is embarrassing.

[729] He just like owned it.

[730] Amy, hold on.

[731] I just want to be clear.

[732] Was he acting like philanthropic?

[733] Like, you know what?

[734] These girls are lonely.

[735] I got nothing going on with them, but everyone deserves a rose on Valentine's Day?

[736] Or is he acknowledging I have a thing going with all three of you?

[737] In my mind, he was acknowledging that he had at least feelings for all of us.

[738] At first, I thought I thought I was the only one making out with him on the couch.

[739] Right.

[740] But then I left and I threw my rose on the ground and I drove off.

[741] I had a little Suzuki Samurai.

[742] It was like the best car ever.

[743] I drove off in it, and I went home, and I was so mad.

[744] So he, like, called and tried to apologize.

[745] But then, like, my brain started going, okay, so this other girl that's coming over hated me. At school, she'd say, like, if you wear high heels to prom, I'm going to trip her.

[746] And I was like, why doesn't she like me?

[747] Like, what's going on?

[748] That answered that.

[749] Yeah.

[750] It answered that.

[751] Oh, my God.

[752] So the other two knew about you.

[753] You were the only one who did not know.

[754] I was the only one that was in the dark.

[755] It made so much sense.

[756] People would make comments like, oh, you're dating so -and -so, and I was like, yeah.

[757] And they were like, oh.

[758] But I have a hunch that the third girl didn't know about the second girl and vice versa.

[759] Maybe.

[760] Yeah, maybe they didn't.

[761] But we were all friends.

[762] Oh, boy.

[763] Three is a crowd.

[764] They say three is a crowd.

[765] I mean, if he told her, I love her too.

[766] I love her, too.

[767] He didn't deny it.

[768] Well, he was trapped.

[769] No, he was trapped in a corner at that point because he tried to get you out the side door.

[770] And then he just realized, you know what, it's time.

[771] But even in the face of the jig is up, a lot of people are going to lie even at that point.

[772] Yeah, but no, he had confidence when I was telling my husband this story.

[773] I was like, who is this guy?

[774] And I was like, honestly, the only thing I can compare it to is now, like, the Pete Davidson vibe where they're like, why do people like this guy?

[775] And I'm like, that was him, my first boyfriend.

[776] Like, everyone was like, what is it?

[777] I'm like, I don't know.

[778] It's just something.

[779] It's just a vibe.

[780] Were you guys over at that point?

[781] Yeah, I was done.

[782] My heart was crushed.

[783] Oh, I'm sorry.

[784] I know.

[785] I got a good prom picture out of it, and I have good stories forever.

[786] The funny thing is, he kept, like, playing sports.

[787] And, like, my dad loved him and my grandpa loved him.

[788] So, like, years after, I'd come home from college, and my grandpa would have newspaper clippians.

[789] Did you see this?

[790] And I was like, yeah, grandpa, thank.

[791] Do you remember what he did to me?

[792] I don't want to read the newspaper clipies.

[793] I wish you well.

[794] But my 16 -year -old self doesn't forgive you.

[795] Did he make it official with either of the two backups once you were out of the pitcher?

[796] No. Oh, man. What line of work did he end up in?

[797] Do you know?

[798] Baseball.

[799] He played baseball.

[800] Professionally.

[801] Mm -hmm.

[802] Dang.

[803] Well, you know, he's training for that life on the road, I guess, you know?

[804] You got to figure it out sometime, I guess.

[805] Yeah.

[806] Yeah, true.

[807] He knew what his life was going to be like.

[808] Well, it worked out.

[809] You obviously made a beautiful family, a very tech -savvy daughter.

[810] Uh -huh.

[811] Living in Hawaii.

[812] Yeah, no regrets.

[813] She's the best.

[814] We're having a really, really good week.

[815] It's fun.

[816] Well, Amy, that was a great story.

[817] I mean, what a disaster.

[818] Of all days.

[819] Three roses.

[820] Listen, I got to back up.

[821] One thing I got to say is an integral ingredient in a professional athlete is confidence.

[822] Like, the notion is, he thought he could schedule all three of these back to back is incredible that shows a confidence that really you're not finding him any 16 year old and he's like keeping all the roses together like they're just out of yeah was what you're going to ditch them all over the house organized right by the front door i wonder what the guy at the mobile gas station thought when he put three on the counter like oh that's sweet you're getting your mom won yeah probably your guma oh that would have been a good lot It's for my mom.

[823] It would have been a good lie because I wasn't even thinking because I asked him.

[824] I thought she was just coming to say hi.

[825] It didn't even dawn on me until he said, oh, yeah, well, like, I love her, too.

[826] Obviously.

[827] She deserves a rose.

[828] She does deserve a rose on Valentine's stage.

[829] It's not for my boyfriend.

[830] Have somebody else give her a rose.

[831] Don't hate the player.

[832] Hate the game.

[833] You know, hate the game.

[834] Amy, that was fantastic.

[835] Thank you.

[836] I'm sorry that happened to you, but also.

[837] So now at this vantage point, what a wonderful story.

[838] Yeah, I have lots of good advice for my teenage daughters.

[839] It's great.

[840] Oh, that's great.

[841] All right.

[842] Well, great meeting you have so much fun.

[843] Aloha.

[844] Thanks.

[845] It's so fun to meet you too.

[846] Have a great day.

[847] All right.

[848] Take care.

[849] Bye.

[850] Oh, man. Here's Carla.

[851] Hello.

[852] Hi.

[853] Where are you at, Carla, other than a closet?

[854] You're not going to like it, Dax.

[855] Albuquerque, New Mexico.

[856] Can I tell you something?

[857] Yeah.

[858] The story, two -story.

[859] stories ago that we just heard took place in albuquerque new mexico yeah there's a lot ding ding ding here wait why won't you like it well because i shot employee the month there and i was only awake at night and it wasn't the greatest work experience but that's fine that has nothing to do with albuquerque anywhere you work only nights you're probably not going to fall in love with yeah well if you ever come back you let me know we'll show you the real albuquerque okay i'm in okay so you have a crazy valentine story i do it was definitely a disaster it did not happen here in new mexico my husband and I were a newlyweds living in New York City at the time.

[860] We had probably been only married for about a year and a half.

[861] 2006 -ish.

[862] We lived in one of those three -story walk -ups.

[863] You probably would call it a railroad apartment or a shotgun apartment.

[864] Uh -huh.

[865] All the rooms straight across.

[866] You can go from one side of the apartment to the other, never hit a door.

[867] At the end of this apartment was a really small bathroom.

[868] So small, in fact, that when you stood at the mirror and the sink, half your body was outside of the door.

[869] Okay.

[870] Okay.

[871] Okay.

[872] So about nine inches deep.

[873] Right.

[874] So it's a very small bathroom.

[875] It was a Valentine's Day on a weekday.

[876] I got in home from work.

[877] My husband, being ever so romantic, he lit candles.

[878] He had a big bottle of wine, music.

[879] We were hanging out.

[880] We had planned later that evening to go to one of those prefix meals that they always had in New York City.

[881] One price, lots of great fancy food.

[882] We were so excited.

[883] So we're having drinks.

[884] We're hanging now.

[885] I'm just so scared.

[886] We decide it's time to go to dinner.

[887] So I go to freshen up, right?

[888] As one girl does, fix my makeup, brush my hair.

[889] So I do one of those things when you want a lot of body in your hair.

[890] You know, you flip over and you brush the underside of your head.

[891] Sure.

[892] So I'm doing that.

[893] And my husband, unbeknownst to me, followed me into the bathroom.

[894] So when I flip my head up, he happens to be drinking from his big goblet of wine.

[895] Oh, no, this is not where I thought this was going.

[896] You thought candles, right?

[897] No, I thought this was a poop story from the food.

[898] No, I think this is a broken face.

[899] The goblet is in his face when I happen to lean back.

[900] And my head goes, bam, right into the glass.

[901] Battering ram into the glass.

[902] But it's in his mouth.

[903] Yes.

[904] Oh, oh, fuck.

[905] What happened?

[906] So there is glass everywhere, there is wine everywhere, there is blood.

[907] Oh.

[908] I don't know what's what, right?

[909] I don't know if it's blood or wine.

[910] I don't know if he's bleeding to death.

[911] Oh, my God.

[912] I can't even wipe his face because I can see little pieces of glass stuck in his face.

[913] Oh, my God.

[914] This is horrifying.

[915] What's his name real quick?

[916] Scott.

[917] Is Scott immediately in shock or is he screaming?

[918] What's his immediate reaction?

[919] He actually reminds me a lot of you, Dax.

[920] Tall, white boy, you know.

[921] Gorgeous, honky.

[922] Absolutely, gorgeous.

[923] Maybe that's why I'm inviting you back to Albuquerque.

[924] Anyhow, so, you know, he's typically very cool, but he's just going like, ah, oh, he's freaking out.

[925] I'm freaking out.

[926] So I end up having to lay him down on the bed while I strategically pick out glass from his fate.

[927] snow.

[928] There's little pieces just stuck everywhere.

[929] Oh my God.

[930] Did you think 9 -1 -1?

[931] No way.

[932] I want to call 911 for every single one of these stories.

[933] I'm with you, Carla.

[934] I'm going to, I'm not calling 911 unless I absolutely have to.

[935] But he could bleed out.

[936] I don't want to be in an ambulance.

[937] I don't, like, then what?

[938] Then they got to turn down an ambulance because you can't fucking take a $2 ,000 ride to the goddamn hospital for stitches.

[939] Do the math.

[940] Yeah, and we're in New York City.

[941] 9 -1 -1's never going to come to us.

[942] Yeah, an hour and a half later, right.

[943] That's not true.

[944] Your $2 ,000 cab rider shows up at 45 minutes late.

[945] I need to assess the situation before I decide if medical attention is necessary, right?

[946] Okay.

[947] Fair, fair, fair.

[948] So I pick out all the glass and turns out most of it is superficial.

[949] It's actually not that bad.

[950] He did have, poor thing, two slits right here on his lips, like the Joker.

[951] That's exactly what I was afraid of.

[952] Oh, he had, no, no. Kind of like an apisiotomy, really at that point.

[953] Oh, yeah.

[954] I don't know if those two are equal, but it sounds about right.

[955] All of this is awful.

[956] He ends up being okay.

[957] He's just kind of battered and bruised.

[958] And he says I didn't get to go to the fancy dinner.

[959] Although he is a very good, nice guy, I don't think he wanted to take me to dinner.

[960] Okay, I understand.

[961] Yeah, the best you can hope for is to not be mad at your partner for the accident.

[962] Like, that's an A plus if you don't ever go like, what the fuck was that headbut?

[963] Yeah, it's justified.

[964] But after you've got a face full of glass and your joker episiotomy, you know, you could get a little cruel in that moment.

[965] I think it's impressive that, you know.

[966] For months, maybe a year or two afterwards, he wouldn't even walk near me with a glass.

[967] Sure, PTSD.

[968] Yeah.

[969] Oh, how long did those Joker smile lines last?

[970] I honestly don't remember.

[971] I know he went to work the next day and had to explain how he was beat up.

[972] Yeah, probably like he got shot with a bird shot and a shotgun.

[973] Yeah, that's exactly what it looked like.

[974] Did anything require like silly band -aids or anything?

[975] No, it was mostly, you know, just little nix.

[976] He got lucky.

[977] And it was a big glass, like heavy kind of big glass.

[978] He could have cut his tongue off.

[979] I know.

[980] He could have swallowed glass.

[981] Did you guys have sex that night?

[982] Oh, my God.

[983] No. I absolutely not.

[984] Oh, I would have still been up for that.

[985] She would have had to stare at that scary Joker face.

[986] That would have been too much.

[987] No, I could go from behind.

[988] Okay.

[989] Great.

[990] There's options.

[991] You can keep your face out of it if you got it.

[992] It was Valentine's Day.

[993] That's the least I could have done, I suppose.

[994] The hero's welcome or whatever I call it.

[995] What was our old saying?

[996] A reverse bag.

[997] Oh, reverse back.

[998] Perfect opportunity for a reverse.

[999] back oh my god that is visceral yes that's a ouchy yeah mere neurony and then no permanent scarring there's no evidence of this okay he's as handsome as ever oh perfect perfect well carla thank you so much for telling us that valentine nightmare yeah my bloody valentine oh yeah my bloody valentine you can play that on valentine's day yeah scare the shit out of them swing your hair around I'm not going to do that.

[1000] Poor thing has been through enough.

[1001] Well, Carlos, so nice to meet you.

[1002] Thanks for telling us that story.

[1003] Same to you.

[1004] Thanks so much, guys.

[1005] Have a great evening.

[1006] Bye.

[1007] All right.

[1008] You do.

[1009] Bye -bye.

[1010] Those were fun.

[1011] They were.

[1012] Those were disastrous.

[1013] Valentine's Day is scary.

[1014] The stakes are high.

[1015] Anytime expectations are high, disasters.

[1016] You know, I've never had one.

[1017] A Valentine's Day.

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] I just wanted to remind people.

[1020] of that?

[1021] I would disagree.

[1022] Well, I've had like...

[1023] If I could trade every Valentine Day I ever had to launch this show on Valentine's Day, I would pick this memory.

[1024] You've done both.

[1025] You don't get to say that.

[1026] Well, I do because I did do both.

[1027] I'm also like, I...

[1028] You don't have to...

[1029] Comfort you?

[1030] You know, that's not comforting.

[1031] You don't have to make my feeling a little bit sad that I haven't had a Valentine.

[1032] I'm trying to cheer you up because I'm your buddy you did a good job instead went from sad to mad so is that an improvement do we call that a net net win because maybe on valentine's day my boyfriend or husband would do the same thing and then i'd be like ah this valentine's day is ruined yeah i'd rather have this podcast well but this is our uh this our anniversary it is happy anniversary it's exciting i'm very grateful me too and i'm a god So I can't remember a single Valentine's Day.

[1033] Really?

[1034] Yeah, it's just one of those days where as a guy, you're panicked that you got to do it right.

[1035] If you ever have like a really delicious dinner or something, though?

[1036] Because like that's a good time to do that.

[1037] I remember a single one because I want to say, I think it was the first time that Chris and I were in tabloids.

[1038] On Valentine's Day, she wanted to go to Ripley's, believe it or not, which I did not want to go do because I think that place is dusty.

[1039] It just feels dusty.

[1040] Yeah.

[1041] Well, I was like, it's Valentine's Day.

[1042] I'm going to take you to Ripley.

[1043] And then, yeah, we were walking in on Valentine's Day, and I think that it was a paparazzi photo.

[1044] Oh, that's fun.

[1045] That's the only one I remember.

[1046] But I remember Hello Bella launching on Valentine's Day and Armchair Expert launching.

[1047] So it's a great day for me. Yeah.

[1048] February 14th, I'm a fan.

[1049] Yeah, 14 is my lucky number.

[1050] I feel like I'm just learning that.

[1051] And it's real.

[1052] That can't be true, though.

[1053] Yeah.

[1054] No, I believe that that's your lucky number, but.

[1055] I'm sure you've heard it.

[1056] That sounds crazy.

[1057] 14.

[1058] How do we get there?

[1059] It's just my favorite.

[1060] You don't know why.

[1061] I just like it.

[1062] The sound of it or how it looks?

[1063] Or 14 objects.

[1064] Just like the sound of it, how it looks.

[1065] It just is great.

[1066] Well, maybe it's like normally 7 is lucky for a lot.

[1067] Like that's the most common lucky number.

[1068] So this is double double back.

[1069] I'm greedy, you know.

[1070] Yeah, you want twice as many luckies.

[1071] When Callie, her birthday is on the 14th of March.

[1072] So she thinks that's her lucky number too.

[1073] Right.

[1074] Even though I don't believe in your birthday number being your lucky number, but that's her decision to make.

[1075] Interesting because I have two.

[1076] I like two for me. Yeah, well, even.

[1077] It's the very first even number out of the gate is two.

[1078] And mine's 24.

[1079] Yeah.

[1080] Two twos equals four.

[1081] And I'm turning 48.

[1082] 36.

[1083] Anyway, because 14 was both of our favorite number, we were going to start a club called Cotorsay.

[1084] Oh, I like that.

[1085] Cotorce.

[1086] Now, do you have any.

[1087] memories in elementary school of handing out valentines yes and i loved it yeah i loved picking out the valentine's cards and getting the little heart candies uh -huh they're terrible they're chalk i've told you this i've aired this grievance on here before but we're fucked in michigan we have two valentines day it's such short that's what the whole thing to me is a little tainted what day is sweetest day who fucking cares october i don't know i don't know when sweetest day is but i told you i worked at a shop when i was 15 and one of the older mechanics It just moved there from, I think, Georgia.

[1088] Oh, yeah, we don't have that.

[1089] They'd only live there for eight months, and he came into work, and he had been an enormous fight with his wife the day before because he didn't get anything for his sweetest day.

[1090] He's like, what the fuck?

[1091] You just learned of it today, and you're mad at me?

[1092] Well, it's sad when everyone around you's getting sweet treats.

[1093] She adopted to that quick.

[1094] It's the third Saturday in October.

[1095] Okay.

[1096] So this year, the 21st.

[1097] Is it the exact same?

[1098] Rob, what does it say about it?

[1099] Like, what is...

[1100] It's a Hallmark holiday.

[1101] It was invented by Hallmark.

[1102] I mean, not even because it's only Michigan Hallmarks.

[1103] Well, they're trying to probably market tested it there.

[1104] And then it never went anyway.

[1105] Fuck, no, it didn't.

[1106] The rest of the country was like bullshit two Valentine's days.

[1107] But it's nice to celebrate love.

[1108] Well, just celebrate your love.

[1109] You don't need to fucking have to go out to the flower shop and do all this crazy stuff and feel inadequate.

[1110] And then everyone's losing.

[1111] All these girls, they're not getting their Valentine's.

[1112] They feel like losers.

[1113] The guys don't know what they're doing.

[1114] They're scared.

[1115] They feel like loose.

[1116] It's working out for like 2 % of the people have a great Valentine's Day.

[1117] It's a net loss by far.

[1118] Apparently, Sweetest Day is meant to be love or appreciation towards anyone where Valentine's Day is romantic.

[1119] For your sexual partner.

[1120] Oh, wow.

[1121] Okay.

[1122] Well, I am going to, when I move into my house in 2045.

[1123] Yeah.

[1124] Since everyone already has like a holiday.

[1125] That's going to be yours.

[1126] You're going to plan a flag in Valentine's?

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] And I'm going to have a party.

[1129] A rager?

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] Will you hire short, chubby men and make them wear wings and diapers and have cupids in the backyard?

[1132] Do you think that would be degrading?

[1133] I'm deciding if it's racist.

[1134] They'll be white.

[1135] Cupid's are white.

[1136] I know.

[1137] So we can shit on them all day long.

[1138] Yeah, you're right.

[1139] If I hire some sexy cupids.

[1140] That'd be cool.

[1141] Sexy cupids.

[1142] I'll be the only one talking to them.

[1143] I know.

[1144] The girls would be like, this is weird.

[1145] But I'll be over there like, so you.

[1146] What do you go?

[1147] What do you work out?

[1148] What grams of protein are you generally getting?

[1149] Are you in anything, testosterone or anything?

[1150] You're doing some orling?

[1151] Oh, my God.

[1152] All right.

[1153] Happy Valentine's Day.

[1154] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1155] We know what theme song?

[1156] Oh.

[1157] Okay, great.

[1158] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1159] So here I go, go, go.

[1160] We're going to ask some random questions.

[1161] And with the help of us.

[1162] armcherry's book and some suggestions on the flyer rhyme dish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1163] You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1164] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.