Jake Johnson Returns

[0] Welcome, welcome.

[1] Welcome to Armchair Expert.

[2] I'm Dan Shepard.

[3] I'm joined by Mr. Monica Padman.

[4] Hello there.

[5] We have a returning guest today.

[6] Yes, he was early days.

[7] And one of my favorites.

[8] I told him that and I very much was sincere about that.

[9] I found him to be so fun the first time we talked to him and then equally fun this time.

[10] Yes.

[11] Jake Johnson.

[12] He changed the show.

[13] Fundamentally.

[14] Fundamentally, he changed the show.

[15] He is an actor, a filmmaker, new girl, minx.

[16] Man, Let's Be Cops, Drinking Buddies, the whole thing.

[17] He has a new podcast right now that is very, very fun.

[18] It's called We're Here to Help with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

[19] And they're not great at help, which is what makes it.

[20] Yeah, they give kind of like, not bad, well, bad advice sort of, but advice that like your uncle would give you.

[21] Buddy advice from the bar.

[22] Yeah.

[23] It's fun.

[24] It's incredibly entertaining.

[25] So please enjoy Jake Johnson.

[26] but before you go, I would like to announce the October prompts for Armchair Anonymous.

[27] We have four coming your way.

[28] First one.

[29] If you're in the service industry, tell us a story.

[30] Service industry nightmares.

[31] I don't want to limit it to nightmares.

[32] It could also be incredible.

[33] Someone could have tipped you $10 ,000 because they won.

[34] Crazy.

[35] Crazy.

[36] That's right.

[37] From the service industry.

[38] From the service industry.

[39] Yes.

[40] This is not an invitation.

[41] if you are not in the service industry to tell us a bad story about service.

[42] Correct.

[43] This is from a service provider.

[44] Yeah.

[45] Like AT &T or Verizon or T -Mobile.

[46] Or a server at a restaurant.

[47] Comcast, yes.

[48] Okay.

[49] Number two, crazy teacher or principal stories.

[50] Again, you're the teacher or the principal.

[51] You're not the student.

[52] That would be crazy student stories.

[53] That's right.

[54] These are very confusing.

[55] Story about a real life encounter with Dax or Moll.

[56] Monica, that you think is crazy.

[57] Yes.

[58] This is very scary.

[59] I want to say this was your idea.

[60] Dax is really worried.

[61] Yes.

[62] Yeah, let's give some context.

[63] My assumption is that these stories are going to be mostly from people who we know who want to tell a funny story about us.

[64] Oh, right.

[65] Okay.

[66] But then what was my hunch?

[67] Well, for the audience, then they get to hear funny stories about us that we might not tell on our own.

[68] Okay, right.

[69] Okay.

[70] And you're worried that this is going to get you canceled.

[71] Well, just I think it might be someone I may love to, Mike, which is, I guess, fine.

[72] Well, let's listen to that.

[73] I mean, we probably won't pick you.

[74] I'm sorry.

[75] No, I still don't think we need to sit through that.

[76] So I don't think that's going to get picked.

[77] I'm warning now.

[78] Okay.

[79] Regardless, story about Taxer Monica from real life.

[80] Who do you hope writes in?

[81] Aaron?

[82] Oh, man. No, I'd rather hear of like a blast from the.

[83] the past.

[84] Yeah, me too.

[85] Like a high school.

[86] Yeah, a teacher high school.

[87] Oh, God.

[88] Do you think my hot teacher will call?

[89] By the way, this could combine two things.

[90] Like, I could be someone's nightmare service experience.

[91] I could be a principal's nightmare.

[92] It's true.

[93] Well, yours could be the teacher story.

[94] Oh, hot for teacher.

[95] This is a long intro.

[96] Um, okay, number four, an extremely generous act of hospitality that you received.

[97] Again, just for text, this was a prompt that someone suggested after I told the Boston Airport story where we were taken in by strangers and shown great hospitality.

[98] So if you have a story like that where you were really fucked and then someone showed you an extreme generous act of hospitality.

[99] Please share.

[100] Please share.

[101] Longest prompts ever.

[102] Please enjoy Jake Johnson.

[103] Do you recall this?

[104] I'm putting it all together.

[105] I'm having memories.

[106] Since memories are going back.

[107] It was a while ago.

[108] It was a very long time ago.

[109] You're for sure one of my favorite guests we've ever had.

[110] Oh, thanks.

[111] I weirdly thought optimistically somehow that one thing would have led to like some regular check -ins.

[112] Like that's how much I enjoyed it.

[113] Okay, good.

[114] Well, I had a really funny thing about you because I didn't know what this was.

[115] You guys were kind of first in my eyes in the podcast world.

[116] And I think it was Spider -Man.

[117] And I was just doing press and they said, like, do you want to be?

[118] to go to Dax's house and talk to Dax and I told you I've been a fan so I was like Which is hard to believe me yes And I was like sure we'll just do bits Yeah and then we sit down and I was not prepared For the tone Yeah, vulnerable ability forward We did a lot of dad stuff right We walked in and you go we have something in common And I thought you were gonna do like a silly voice And you were like our dad's weird And I was like oh Homeboy's doing his research He's taking this shit seriously And he's really interested in the childhood trauma This is not, wasn't he a ground lean or something?

[119] What was his background's in comedy, isn't it?

[120] It was a wake -up call to what you guys were doing.

[121] Obviously, you guys have proven it, but you guys had started a path that has now becoming a thing.

[122] But for me, at 2018, I didn't see it.

[123] Right.

[124] I was like, we're up in his garage.

[125] What fun.

[126] When you're talking about lifting weights in your garage, I've been gym in my garage.

[127] Oh, you got to.

[128] I thought this was like Midwest shit.

[129] Yes.

[130] Yeah, we're going to hang out, do some bids.

[131] Maybe you'll release it.

[132] Yeah.

[133] Maybe not.

[134] Who knows?

[135] Let's see.

[136] Maybe we'll forget we even release them.

[137] Before we get too far, I do a big thank you to you.

[138] We bring it up a lot on this show, but it's very important that I say it to you.

[139] You're the reason that this seating arrangement is the way this seating arrangement is.

[140] You probably don't remember this, but I obviously do.

[141] I used to sit there.

[142] I do remember, and it was a lot of this.

[143] Exactly.

[144] And you said in the middle of the interview, I don't like this.

[145] I can't see her.

[146] Can we rearrange?

[147] We arranged this, and so we did.

[148] We must have pulled up that chair or something.

[149] It was your episode.

[150] Why do I remember that you've said that about someone else, too?

[151] No, only you.

[152] No, no, I'm not saying that to throw you on the bus.

[153] By the way, even if you do, it feels good.

[154] I'm 100 % with it.

[155] Maybe it was someone who said, why aren't you in the picture?

[156] Some other person.

[157] Mike.

[158] Sure.

[159] Mike sure was the first one that was like, hey, get in the picture.

[160] It would be you and Mike, of course.

[161] A couple of good guys.

[162] But I'll tell you where that comes from just in terms of our business.

[163] I had been in a lot of pitches, especially when I was coming up, and you would notice certain executives wouldn't look at you.

[164] I don't know if you've ever had that, but if you're with like a heavy hitter and you're like, I'm fucking excited about them too.

[165] But we came up with this thing.

[166] That's a legit friend.

[167] I get it.

[168] We're all excited blanks in the room.

[169] And then some executives are looking around.

[170] And I would be in the middle of like my section of the pitch where I'm like, well, if you like, the Jerry character.

[171] Let me tell you about Bob.

[172] And I'm like, how about a little eye contact?

[173] And I'd be like, Motherfucker, that's brutal.

[174] No, but it changed the whole vibe of the show, I think.

[175] And I really credit you.

[176] And thank you for that, really.

[177] Oh, yeah, cool.

[178] Yeah, first of all, it was just very cool of you.

[179] But also, it made clear one of the debates we were having.

[180] Because we would go like, well, why does some guest pretend Monica's not even there?

[181] Is it a female thing?

[182] Is it a misogyny?

[183] Is it my status?

[184] Because they know who I am first.

[185] All this debate about it, and we never thought, well, just, it's logistically impossible to look at both of us.

[186] It's sad when it's simple.

[187] Yeah, I know.

[188] Because I know when I came here, I was like, yeah, I'm going to come and talk to Dagnan.

[189] And it's like, okay, cool, this is a whole thing.

[190] I remember thinking, this is tricky because I'm icing you out.

[191] But I don't mean to, but this, especially with like my body type, when your body pairs, you don't want to be like.

[192] Hold on, hold on.

[193] And then, home he's taking photos and you're like, I'm going forward.

[194] You have to somehow bend over and touch your toes to look at Monica and take your shirt up for some reason you can't see her if you don't take your shirt up.

[195] It was whiplash.

[196] You'd have to like jolt her ass.

[197] We could paint it as like an altruistic act, but I also think it was just out of preservation of your neck.

[198] I think you were like also.

[199] It was actually a physical thing.

[200] Yeah.

[201] Well, congrats to you.

[202] You've killed it.

[203] You guys have created a whole thing.

[204] I love saying this.

[205] She's building the house across street from our house.

[206] Is that true?

[207] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, big, beautiful house.

[208] No kidding.

[209] I know.

[210] How did this all start for you?

[211] I came out for acting, and then I started nannying for them.

[212] Okay.

[213] And what year?

[214] I came out in 2010.

[215] Okay.

[216] But you've got to add, starts taking classes at UCB, theater major in Georgia.

[217] And 2010 was huge at UCB.

[218] Yeah, I mean, that was like, it's high.

[219] Yeah, right on Franklin.

[220] A hundred percent.

[221] And it's so sad to see it now.

[222] It's a whole different era.

[223] And it really is.

[224] Although I just drove by there the other day and there was a fucking line up.

[225] They're doing stuff.

[226] Yeah, yeah.

[227] But even just apart from that place, what I'm starting to love about.

[228] our business and I'm finally accepting it at 45 is every five years there's going to be a major shakeup.

[229] Yeah.

[230] And if you don't see that as fun, this isn't the game.

[231] Totally.

[232] But even what you were saying outside where you said like, I was almost quitting, I'd been done.

[233] And then you got a new charge.

[234] Well, really quick.

[235] You go, you're jacked.

[236] I was like, you're a monster.

[237] Yes.

[238] He said monster.

[239] It was an ultimate compliment.

[240] Like a gargoyle even.

[241] You're hideous.

[242] You're a monster.

[243] You scared children.

[244] Thank you.

[245] Thank you.

[246] Vaney and disgusting.

[247] I go, well, yeah, you know, I work out and I bang testosterone.

[248] You go, oh, you're on testosterone.

[249] I go, yeah, I've been it for six years.

[250] And then I said, one of the things that was good about it is I was retiring.

[251] And then it made me hungry to, like, start this with you and start acting kind of too much.

[252] And then I enjoyed it.

[253] But those dips, I had that in the pandemic.

[254] When it first started, I thought, oh, thank fucking God I'm done.

[255] You go like, what a weird game we all got into.

[256] mercy does.

[257] Yeah, but now it's over.

[258] Like, it's really fun.

[259] You love it.

[260] Now, deep down, you're like, what a fucking nightmare.

[261] This has to end.

[262] Yes.

[263] And then when you see an out, you go, this isn't even quitting.

[264] I'm not a quitter.

[265] I've just naturally gotten 50 pounds fatter and, like, moved somewhere else.

[266] Shaved your head in the middle of it.

[267] I did shave it in the middle of the band.

[268] Yeah, this is a photo of it.

[269] It's incredible.

[270] But then there's like a turn and something kicks in and you go like, all right, I guess I'm going to try to adjust with the times.

[271] I guess I'm going to play.

[272] Yeah.

[273] And then something kicks in or it doesn't, but you go like, I guess I'm still fired up.

[274] Yeah.

[275] And do you think that's generally, are you brought back online by seeing something or just it strikes you?

[276] The chess of this whole business, the gamemanship of it, the like staying up late and thinking, the strategizing.

[277] Yes.

[278] The like, oh, I'm doing this.

[279] What if I did that?

[280] And then failing feels really good for me. Like, I hate it, but I love it.

[281] I'm a gambler.

[282] So I realized deep down, the reason I stopped going to casinos is I'm not playing poker to win.

[283] I'm playing until I hit a moment that it's 4 a .m. And I have no chips.

[284] And I go like, oh, tens?

[285] Yeah.

[286] Oh, you fucking.

[287] And then I'm like, I'm in a hoodie.

[288] I'm 41.

[289] It's Tuesday.

[290] Yeah, I'm at Commerce.

[291] That's where the moment hit me. And I'm sitting at now an empty table regrouping.

[292] Oh, it's this feeling I like.

[293] That feeling of like, fuck.

[294] Now, if I'm going to grind back, how do I do it?

[295] That's what I like.

[296] You know, my old man had a thing.

[297] He was talking about business.

[298] And he goes, no matter how successful you get.

[299] when I look back, I look at the drive up as the best years of my life.

[300] And the beauty of our business is every sand castle we build, it gets knocked down in a couple of years.

[301] That's true.

[302] Even if it was enormous, it just fades into memory.

[303] And then once it fades, when people are like, oh, that was great.

[304] What did you do that?

[305] 30 years ago, you're like, six months home.

[306] When you get tired for me, I'm like, I think I'm done.

[307] And then something happens where I'm like, all right, I'll try to build another sand castle.

[308] I guess it's fun.

[309] Yeah, that is so true.

[310] And I, too, love the kind of strategizing, and you are just like this one -man business, right?

[311] You're just like, you're the product, right?

[312] And you're like, how am I going to revamp this thing?

[313] And then you'll feel when, like, the town's not excited about you?

[314] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[315] And then you'll feel when the town is.

[316] And when you realize that doesn't do anything for your inner feelings, I saw that Taylor Swift Dock.

[317] She used a killer.

[318] Early on in it, she was saying how the crowd telling her she was good meant a lot to her.

[319] Yeah, yeah.

[320] I wish I had more of that.

[321] Because you're like, if that's your validation and it's filling you up, you're going to keep going better and better and better.

[322] Yes.

[323] And so I don't really have that thing.

[324] But what's really fun is to see where I'm like, ooh, Jakey Jay's not having a hot moment.

[325] Is there something I can build to get that momentum back?

[326] As if it's poker, just to have more chips.

[327] Yes.

[328] But when it's really going down, I still have the like, ooh, okay, fun.

[329] Oh, that's wonderful.

[330] Jackie Jay's in a low pole.

[331] Boy, we're at the nadir.

[332] Is this the bottom?

[333] At this event, and I'm like talking to one friend and no press is coming our way.

[334] You're like, oh, fuck it, what a game, man. I do feel like part of this business is just a really weird fantasy.

[335] It is a dream.

[336] You said you moved out here.

[337] Well, most of us moved out at a certain point with this really silly dream.

[338] Oh, yeah.

[339] Delusional.

[340] Delusion of so much ego.

[341] Yes.

[342] Limousines and cash.

[343] I had a fantasy of like convertibles in a pool in the hills and being on a 90s sitcom and being like, I just think all that's going to happen and it's just going to work.

[344] And then you come out here and it's just not what you think it is even when it's working.

[345] But it is still great even when it's dog shit.

[346] I have a thing where, you know, we can't take of any projects, but I was doing like press for projects and I was doing a photo shoot and I'm just done.

[347] I don't ever have to do this again.

[348] I never have to do a red carpet again.

[349] And then the woman who couldn't be nicer, we were in my backyard.

[350] She goes like, do you want to put shoes on?

[351] And I realized, like, there's no thought anymore.

[352] This was a Hollywood reporter interview.

[353] I noticed you were barefoot in it now that you're saying that.

[354] I didn't think about it until Max Greenfield sends a text being like, hey, idiot, throw shoes on.

[355] You look terrible.

[356] I feel like that's Max's cottage industry.

[357] Is he somehow hears of everything that's going on and then blasts you when he's shit about?

[358] Well, he also does something that's so annoying where it was me, him, Damon Wayne's Jr. on the text.

[359] And so then I wrote, I didn't post about it because the strike happened.

[360] So how'd you find out?

[361] Right?

[362] Because there's so much content.

[363] So if anybody comes to you and goes like, hey, I saw that article and it's a slight nag.

[364] Why are you Googling me, my man?

[365] He's got an alert on you.

[366] I'm not Googling you.

[367] Max must have an alert on you and all his friends, maybe.

[368] He's into it.

[369] It's almost worth, you know what?

[370] I might do my first Google alert and do it on Max.

[371] Just what you fuck with him back.

[372] He is a shockingly funny guy.

[373] He'll go on runs where I'm like, that dude murders me. He knows I'm sober.

[374] So I got the funniest text from him.

[375] It was like, when Smartless launched.

[376] And they were overly kind to me as they were interviewing me about my place in this podcast world.

[377] He wrote me and he's like, well, I knew you'd be relapsing within a few weeks of that session of stroking your ego that bad.

[378] I knew you'd be out.

[379] I was like, oh, it's so dark and funny.

[380] How long have you been sober now?

[381] Well, I haven't.

[382] I've been drank.

[383] I'm coming up on 19 years of having not drank or done cocaine, but I also have relapsed on opiates a few years back.

[384] Wow.

[385] I had a really trippy thing.

[386] After my dad passed, we were going through all his old stuff.

[387] And I'll tell you what really hit was seeing his AA tokens.

[388] You know, there's certain things that like you would see and my brother would be like all emotional and you'd be like, you want these old shirts and I'm like, fucking pass.

[389] No emotion.

[390] Right.

[391] And then he'd be like his old lighter.

[392] And I'm like, yeah, he smoked like, no. I don't feel anything.

[393] I'm not in the program, but I have some good friends who are.

[394] Seeing those, I'm like, oh, that's a really earned thing.

[395] And you're like, that's actually pretty cool.

[396] You know what's so funny is when my dad died, same thing.

[397] I go into his place he's staying at and I'm like, what do I do with any of this stuff?

[398] You immediately become aware of the fact that all the stuff is meaningless unless you're there to care about it.

[399] Now it's just a room full of junk.

[400] The only thing I took is he has this elephant.

[401] It's like carved little, well, I don't know what you call.

[402] Jewelry box.

[403] Jewelry box.

[404] Yeah, with a little elephant on top.

[405] And when you open it, it's all of his chips for.

[406] like 26 years and multiples of something and that's the only thing i took that's so weird we both have that but it's a neat because i wonder for you him getting sober and staying sober sponsoring guys and being of service that was the one thing i couldn't even find anything negative to spin about it by the way same and the whole program yes i love poking holes in programs yes i love being like that's an amazing opportunity and it is very cultish and i'm going to tell you why i'm glad you're getting spiritual healing yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah did you know the guy who He runs it, was in jail for night.

[407] Who cares, though?

[408] Yes.

[409] When you try to be a little piece of shit about AA, no one's paying.

[410] There's no top guy earning.

[411] So all my go -tos, just a self -sustaining thing that helps people.

[412] My buddy was walking me through it.

[413] And for no reason, I was trying to poke the hole in of like, well, if you relapse a lot and keep coming back, it's probably not great for the program.

[414] Right.

[415] And he's like, no, that's not it.

[416] He's like, of course you can come back.

[417] We're here to try to help you.

[418] And I'm like, well, then they must not be taking it.

[419] And he's like, you're seeing it all wrong.

[420] And I'm like, I really am.

[421] I'm just being a piece of shit.

[422] For no reason.

[423] Like, there's no value in this.

[424] Well, no, he's a very clear reason.

[425] It's a group that you're not in.

[426] So naturally, you have to debase it because if it were of any value, you'd be in it.

[427] It's like the reverse Groucho Marx statement.

[428] I don't trust any group that wouldn't have DOS a member.

[429] That's sadly more accurate.

[430] That's a great new spin on it.

[431] That's why I didn't like Jogs?

[432] Fuck jacks I should have been invited right into that group cheerleaders You can get yourself in there if you work hard enough You just didn't work You didn't work for it Were you a cheer Yeah Two times great change Oh you did like the cheer type stuff High fire No kidding Yeah it was so fun Highlight of my life And no fear of a massive neck injury No which is fascinating Because I'm so fearful I'm such a scared person And now I can't even believe that I was fine with that Just flipping around and trying stuff.

[433] Trying stuff means you crash, you know.

[434] But I was drunk on winning.

[435] Yeah, you're in time.

[436] Yeah, once you win once.

[437] What a blast.

[438] It really was a blast.

[439] Doing key bumps of victory.

[440] I mean, that is a good drug.

[441] It is fun.

[442] Going back to where we were talking about the game, I got into jihitsu in the last like eight months.

[443] Oh, really?

[444] What was the gateway to that?

[445] Honestly, daughters.

[446] And I was Googling self -defense for smaller frames.

[447] because there is something to be said about if I'm in a bad neighborhood, I do walk around at about 190 pounds and I did wrestle a lot.

[448] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[449] So unless there's a monster coming my way, I don't have a sense of like utter panic.

[450] Yeah, you get to the ground and you can survive.

[451] I started thinking about them growing up and one of my daughters is just small.

[452] They're twins.

[453] Twins, uh, fraternal.

[454] But I'm like, she's never going to be a monster.

[455] Well, she might.

[456] Well, her personality.

[457] But I started Googling best self -defense for females.

[458] I thought it was going to be like, like karate or some like striking thing handgun yeah well obviously yeah lady remington jiu jitzu yeah and it's all because you're just using the other person's body and i was like oh that's neat and so we started doing it together and then i've kind of got oh great so you do it with your daughter yeah because christin's been doing it with our 10 year old for two years now oh no way yeah with cecilina gracie oh no way she's granddaughter of the the gracey yeah yeah yeah and how are they liking it They fucking love it.

[459] And because it's a woman teaching all little girls, Kristen and two other moms and their two daughters.

[460] So it's six and they go every Monday to a friend's house and they train there.

[461] But your homework is like using your voice.

[462] So you got to come in next week and talk about how you're going to use your voice.

[463] Oh, no, thank you.

[464] I'd rather have a handshake.

[465] Things to like help you navigate all the weirdo dudes in the world that are going to try to put their hand up your ass when you're taking a photo.

[466] It's cool stuff.

[467] It is.

[468] It really is.

[469] It's really neat.

[470] Do your daughter love it?

[471] They do.

[472] It's rough.

[473] So we wrestle a lot.

[474] And then there's just moments where a knee will come across and graze the face.

[475] You get hurt.

[476] They'll kind of give me a look and I'm pretending that they're not for, which is what your feelings are.

[477] And I'll just be like, that's why we're here.

[478] That's the good stuff.

[479] And I'm like, I think if you push past, it's like when you go to cheerleading, you go like, well, you try something new, it hurts.

[480] Yeah.

[481] But when you land that motherfucker, it feels good.

[482] Also, I've been noticing so clearly that when my idea, daughters get hurt doing something they want to do, they don't give a flying fuck.

[483] That's exactly right.

[484] When you get hurt doing something you didn't want to do, you hate it, and it hurts.

[485] Going off of that, like, who wants to learn to read?

[486] Who wants to, like, work hard for something?

[487] So I am in the phase of I'm forcing them to do certain things that I'm like, I think you're going to eventually like this, but I'm not sure.

[488] Yeah, I know.

[489] But you're like, but it's hard to know.

[490] But you also only get 18 years.

[491] Let's be honest, you might get really 15.

[492] and they totally stopped listening to you.

[493] I don't know how much advice you were taking at 15, but I certainly had shut down.

[494] Nine, I was done.

[495] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[496] Me too.

[497] I think it was pre -uberty.

[498] Wait, how old were they?

[499] Almost 10, nine and a half.

[500] So they're right there.

[501] If I go back to drinking, what we should do is get drunk one night and have our daughters fucking roll to cage match in the backyard for our amusement.

[502] That would be a very 80s Midwest.

[503] You know if we had two boys, we'd have them, and they both box.

[504] We would certainly do that for our music.

[505] Let's just see.

[506] See what you're moving.

[507] moves are.

[508] But also the confidence.

[509] Lincoln said it multiple times.

[510] Like, well, I do jujitsu, so I'm good.

[511] She's been going on walks and stuff all around the neighborhood.

[512] And like, are you scared?

[513] Well, no, I know jujitsu.

[514] Yeah.

[515] And it's just like, it does.

[516] It matters.

[517] And it's good to have that confidence.

[518] By the way.

[519] Yes, agreed.

[520] That's the game anyways.

[521] You've walked down a lot of streets.

[522] I've bought crack in a lot of neighborhoods.

[523] Blackout.

[524] And it's this episode brought you.

[525] No, but it's true.

[526] And you don't have to win.

[527] You just have to send the signal that I'm confident and you'll have your hands full.

[528] There's probably an easier target.

[529] Literally, that's all you're doing.

[530] The same reason you get a dog.

[531] You could break in.

[532] This fucking annoying four -legged thing is barking.

[533] Nobody's barking across the street.

[534] It's just a problem you don't need.

[535] Yeah, it's another variable.

[536] I do want to ask you about, because in that article where you were barefoot, you've built yourself by hand an 8 by 12 cabin in your backyard.

[537] Yeah.

[538] Tell me from start to finish.

[539] Did you just draw the plans yourself?

[540] Where'd you get this idea and how'd it turn out?

[541] I grew up always doing, my mother had junk shops.

[542] So we were always in different shops around the city.

[543] We would get old furniture and fix it up.

[544] It was always my job to deliver it.

[545] You know, some like funky furniture.

[546] And then we would hire random homeless guys in Chicago, and that would be my group.

[547] Okay.

[548] And we would deliver together.

[549] And at 15, what a blast.

[550] Yes.

[551] Some of the hardest funny people I've ever met are in the back of my mom's old truck.

[552] They go like, can Eve hear us?

[553] And I'll be like, feel free to go.

[554] You're in a safe space.

[555] Please let it rip, my man. But it was always building.

[556] It was always making.

[557] And the part of this business, I directed a movie this last year.

[558] I've been going through a lot of that.

[559] It's so much goddamn work.

[560] And in the end, the thing you have, it's not physical.

[561] Even though it's film, I don't feel the way others feel of like, it's just like a memory for other people's experiences.

[562] And you work on set.

[563] You're doing 10 hours a day, 12 hours.

[564] You're really grinding.

[565] And then it just kind of comes and goes.

[566] And it doesn't feel like a physical accomplishment.

[567] There's something about it from growing up doing what I did where it was the physical thing.

[568] That was something I was really missing.

[569] I hated doing manual labor.

[570] But I really liked doing manual labor because you were part of a group.

[571] You worked really hard.

[572] You were physically beat, but you had like three more hours.

[573] Then when you were done, you'd be like, fucking two burritos, six beer.

[574] You're like, I get to now reward.

[575] You've earned it.

[576] And I don't feel like when I leave set and I'm like 11 hours, I'm like, I deserve.

[577] You're like, I got to get these boots off.

[578] You're like, great day and I'm not discrediting it.

[579] You're right.

[580] Like, I was a roofer.

[581] My best friend Aaron and I would get off work and we'd be just fucking covered in filth.

[582] We'd pop in.

[583] We'd each get two 40s of MGD, start drinking them in the truck on the way home.

[584] You'd get home and you take off all that crap.

[585] But I guess this is a disposition, too.

[586] You felt like I earned whatever.

[587] whatever the next three hours gives me, guilt -free.

[588] And now that I'm 45, that's not partying the way I used to partner.

[589] Even if it's just, I'm just going to sit and watch television.

[590] Yes.

[591] You're like, well, I need to do this because tomorrow I'm back in the sun doing blank.

[592] I don't have that if I'm like, I did a Zoom editing session for 10 hours with like a super sweet guy who I like.

[593] And then we got some really intense notes from the studio.

[594] We got pretty pessimistic for about 90 minutes.

[595] But we pulled our way out of it.

[596] And then I'm like, man, we have a really nice.

[597] relationship.

[598] I think this is a friend for life.

[599] And that executive, I don't love, but I see what they see.

[600] I'm not like, I deserve a nice chill night.

[601] The night goes on for me. Then I'm up in the middle of night watching dailies or if it's right.

[602] You're back to work.

[603] And I really wanted something where there was a mission, there was a job.

[604] How like Nebulous is finishing a movie or a script.

[605] You could choose to never, ever be done.

[606] Well, that was the big thing I've learned with mine is that I'm not done with it.

[607] We just ran out of time.

[608] Yes.

[609] I was like, can I do more?

[610] And, you know, the game was like, ha, ha.

[611] And I'm like, I'm saying it in a playful tone, but we all know what we've profited.

[612] I will go backwards financially.

[613] A movie's good after a year and a half.

[614] Imagine it in three years.

[615] In 10 years, I might win an award for this fine thing.

[616] There's a great story and it sucks because I've forgotten all the players in it.

[617] And I only know half the title, but I do know there's a very famous director.

[618] I think his movie was Sunset Boulevard or something.

[619] Does that ring a bell?

[620] The name does, yeah.

[621] It's like one of these very famous 40s movies or whatever.

[622] It's in one of these books I read.

[623] And then the person telling the story got a call from this director, who's now in his 80s.

[624] He's now in his 80s and he gets there and he's like, yeah, what is it?

[625] He's like, come downstairs.

[626] I've just finished the perfect edit.

[627] He had been working on Sunset Boulevard 30 years after it came.

[628] And he finally in his mind got it.

[629] That is it.

[630] And that doesn't feel great always.

[631] No, it's torture.

[632] But guess what?

[633] Like, that's what we all sign up for.

[634] That's the game.

[635] And earlier, when I say, wouldn't it be nice to be done?

[636] It's done with that internal thing.

[637] You go, like, I fucking left some shit on the table.

[638] And I know I did.

[639] That's probably because I'm not talented enough yet, but I might be.

[640] Just give me a little bit more time.

[641] And I don't have that with, like, the cabin.

[642] My daughter and I just built a pavilion, her and I. And that's why I'm so interested in this thing.

[643] Yeah, because she got the buzz that you could never explain.

[644] Like, we had been working on it all fucking day long.

[645] And by the time we were done, we had the walls up.

[646] And the roof, we walked away.

[647] There was still stuff to do.

[648] For the next three hours, she was, like, in such a great mood.

[649] And I go, do you feel that?

[650] You got to focus.

[651] You got to be busy.

[652] In times traveling in this wonderful way.

[653] A hundred percent.

[654] To be ridiculous, it's a meditation.

[655] You don't go like, oh, there's going to be a 240 screws.

[656] You just start.

[657] Yes.

[658] It happened pre -pandemic.

[659] I wanted a rip and dip.

[660] God bless you.

[661] We are in the middle.

[662] I got to love her here.

[663] Should we pause and do some bench presses downstairs?

[664] But it started pre -pandemic.

[665] pandemic, I wanted, like, a little space to get out of the house.

[666] And I didn't want to go to an office.

[667] That'll never happen.

[668] And it'll be shameful to have, like, space in Altadena.

[669] Yeah.

[670] Then I'm like, I put a pinball machine.

[671] It's very cool.

[672] And I'm, like, asking a friend to go with me. And they're like, I don't want to hang out in your dorky space and, like, compliment your aesthetic.

[673] Yeah, I thought we were at lunch.

[674] Yeah, but just mean at my office and then we'll head over.

[675] And then you walk in, you go, I just threw these on the wall.

[676] And they're like, I don't care.

[677] I have my own spaces.

[678] I'm not that interesting.

[679] So I was like, I don't want to do that.

[680] I don't even like it when my wife does it.

[681] And I love her.

[682] Why do I care about what you're doing?

[683] You're like, wow, pretty cool.

[684] So these are all old pictures of Chicago.

[685] Well, yeah, these are black and white.

[686] But these will be changed.

[687] Don't care.

[688] You see it in people's eyes as you're doing yours.

[689] And I'm like, I know you don't care, but for some reason, I got another three minutes.

[690] I got to finish.

[691] So here's what's cool about these floors.

[692] And your friends are like, oh, yeah, neat.

[693] There you go.

[694] It's still on it.

[695] But so I wanted to put one in my backyard.

[696] and this was during the tiny house craze, which is not a craze, I think, is cool.

[697] I've never gotten it.

[698] I don't understand why you'd want to live in a tiny little space.

[699] But there was so much out there for the 8 to 12 size place.

[700] I just drew up on a piece of paper, laminated it, and then went to YouTube and had YouTube teach each phase.

[701] What?

[702] Yes.

[703] And I realized I've got pretty bad dyslexia, and part of it is hearing it.

[704] So I have to put my hands in something to get it.

[705] All the years I did construction, and you would have some thick old Chicago foreman who would explain to me and two other people how to do something.

[706] I wasn't hearing it.

[707] So it would be like, you know, that wasn't 8 by 12, Jake.

[708] So what you got to do is you got to go right through to 2 by 6th.

[709] You got to push in, Jack.

[710] And I'd go like, yep, yep.

[711] And then cracking jokes because you're not getting it.

[712] Yes.

[713] Then your work is shitty.

[714] So you have to crack a joke of why your work is bad because you don't want to go, my work is bad.

[715] I think I have a learning challenge.

[716] I don't understand.

[717] I didn't understand the one thing you said.

[718] And you don't have that.

[719] So you're making eye contact with me and going like, hey, shit for Grange.

[720] I should do.

[721] And you're like, gone.

[722] I'm fucking gone.

[723] Some guy on YouTube would explain it.

[724] And then in the middle of it, my brain would go to Garbage Town.

[725] And I'd go, let's play it back.

[726] Just rewind it.

[727] Go off the top.

[728] Nobody's counting.

[729] And it just turned out to be like such a blast.

[730] Oh, how long did it take you?

[731] Probably about eight months.

[732] It was probably like a three -month job.

[733] But there was a lot of screwing.

[734] ups a lot of mistakes.

[735] How many trips to Home Depot?

[736] That's the best.

[737] Ghanal Lumber.

[738] Oh, that's your spot.

[739] Well, during the pandemic, when it hit and everything shut down, I was like two months in.

[740] Oh, boy.

[741] I could still go get lumber.

[742] Good hat.

[743] Yeah, I got a game.

[744] And then when you're in it, never wears off, right?

[745] Well, I'm still always working on it.

[746] The fun game of it is you look at a wall and you go like, you know, it could be neat here.

[747] So it is like doing a movie.

[748] Well, you get to keep evolving.

[749] We turn it into a tiny house.

[750] Yeah.

[751] My wife and I, if we're going to have a date night, there's the fantasy when you watch TV or if you're not an actor, you're not recognize it all of what that date night is.

[752] If she and I go out to a restaurant, it's just not the same intimacy as we expect.

[753] It's still a fun night.

[754] But it's not what it was when we first started dating because other people are part of our experience.

[755] And so those nights are fine and my kids have made it very clear.

[756] They actually like when I get recognized.

[757] Oh, great.

[758] Yeah.

[759] So I don't have any of that, like, sensitivity about it.

[760] But my wife and I've started to do if like the kids are out, we'll order in and go to that cabin and have a date in there.

[761] Because she never goes in there.

[762] Of course.

[763] So she's only in there on those nights.

[764] And so then I get to curate it.

[765] You get music.

[766] You get the food for the...

[767] That's cute.

[768] And so that's what it's turned into that.

[769] I want to be married, do you?

[770] Doesn't this sound so...

[771] If you were there, this wouldn't be the tone.

[772] Remember the whole thing about the posters on the wall?

[773] She's my friend I'm talking about.

[774] Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

[775] If you dare.

[776] I do want to go back, though, because we left it kind of hanging.

[777] So it's not the convertible in the pool, but it's awesome for a completely different reason.

[778] And we've, like, hinted at it.

[779] But it's really hanging with other folks who have the same weird fantasy.

[780] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[781] But even then going to what we're doing right now, you know, I was talking to my brother coming here, and we were talking about, like, the changing landscape of the game.

[782] And I was thinking, it's just really trippy.

[783] I'm going back to Dax.

[784] house.

[785] We are doing an interview that'll get a lot of views and this has become part of the business.

[786] When I was here the last time, I did not view this as the business.

[787] It wasn't then.

[788] No. There are certain times when like YouTube started, everybody was making shorts.

[789] And then old timers were mad and I remember when we were doing like drunk history.

[790] The generation above us was like, none of you guys are getting paid.

[791] You're missing it.

[792] And for us, we were like, paid.

[793] Yeah.

[794] A bunch of us are in a backyard, man. It's a fucking blast.

[795] But the game then changes.

[796] And then everything's YouTube now.

[797] When someone starts doing something now, five, 10 years ago, I might have viewed it as more like, whatever.

[798] Now I'm like, you might enter a 10 year period.

[799] It's really tempting to think you were part of an era that ended.

[800] For instance, I was lucky enough, you were lucky enough.

[801] I did studio comedies.

[802] Totally.

[803] You could go like, oh, well, there's no comedies anymore.

[804] And I'm so destroyed by that.

[805] I'll never get to do that again.

[806] It's easy to get stuck there.

[807] There is no version where you're going to go do 24 episodes of network television again.

[808] But something really rad that other people will miss. I loved that era comedy.

[809] Yeah.

[810] Idiocracy.

[811] By the way, I saw a great thing about it where they were talking about the costume designer.

[812] Oh, in the cross.

[813] Yes.

[814] Oh, wait, what?

[815] If this is real, it's the best.

[816] I think it's real.

[817] I know that when we all looked at those, we were like, oh, my God.

[818] Now, what did it cost to invent these stupid things?

[819] Oh, no. So the costume designer was thinking of what would the dumbest of the dumb wear in the future?

[820] Oh, my God.

[821] And it was these ugly rubber shoes with holes in them and a strap on the back.

[822] And then the company happened to just explode.

[823] Well, what's been really funny over the last five years is that Kristen's obsessed with them, as is everyone, right?

[824] Oh, they're very high fashion, right?

[825] Not high fashion, whatever.

[826] Please give me the right eye to it, but, you know, they're fast.

[827] They're very wearable.

[828] They're very wearable.

[829] They're very waterproof.

[830] But she's always been urging me. And by the way, I need them all the time.

[831] I'm like walking around a river and I don't know what to do about that.

[832] I honestly had forgotten why I have this aversion.

[833] And then I saw that same meme.

[834] And I was reminded, yes, that is exactly what happened.

[835] They came out like, look at these things.

[836] So they're forever in my mind is that.

[837] But I had forgotten that and couldn't figure out why I was so resistant to trying them.

[838] I've since got to.

[839] a black pair and I wear them in the water.

[840] So I got in and my wife and kids had them and they were all talking about them.

[841] And I had in the back of my head.

[842] And it might have also been generational.

[843] It might have been when they came out, I was already too old.

[844] Yeah.

[845] But I just always wear like boots.

[846] And in that era in the summer, I'd have like jeans and boots on like I was working and I wasn't working.

[847] I was like dressed like a dock worker at the time.

[848] And then I did throw those on and I thought, I get it.

[849] Really?

[850] Oh, yeah.

[851] Okay.

[852] I'm not on board.

[853] That's shocking though.

[854] Have you worn them?

[855] No. That's the thing.

[856] What a child!

[857] What a child!

[858] You're in the dark?

[859] Let's turn the goddamn lights.

[860] So I was a hundred percent no. And then my group got it and my daughter goes like, we'll get you a pair.

[861] I was thinking more like home slippers.

[862] Yeah.

[863] You know, because they're easy on.

[864] Like in the kitchen.

[865] Then all of a sudden one day you go to a restaurant and you do feel a moment of shame.

[866] It's what Ugs also was.

[867] Yes, that's right.

[868] Similar situation.

[869] But going back to that movie.

[870] Those kind of movies, which were so funny and so big at the time, they have gone away.

[871] Right.

[872] But I'm also like, who knows what's gone away?

[873] I won't do another network show.

[874] I don't want to do the 22, 24.

[875] And there was a whole period of time, and I felt like we were all chasing it as actors, but like, you do comedy to do drama.

[876] Right?

[877] Right.

[878] But there was a whole model of what was cool.

[879] It used to be you didn't do commercials.

[880] When I came up, my whole dream was the one day I pass on him.

[881] Yeah, I would do commercials.

[882] Who cares?

[883] The whole old models don't matter.

[884] Yeah, it used to be you did movies, you couldn't do TV.

[885] If you did TV, you couldn't do movies.

[886] Then that got blurry.

[887] But then it keeps blurring.

[888] But I even feel that way when we say this stuff about comedies, I'm like, who knows what's next?

[889] Because in many ways, Barbie, have you seen it?

[890] Not yet, but I want it.

[891] You're going to love it.

[892] I can feel it.

[893] I went with my girls on Sunday and I was laughing as hard as I've laughed in a movie in a decade.

[894] That's a blast.

[895] The send -up of us is so fucking funny and embarrassing.

[896] scene.

[897] And I think you too, I love the feeling of embarrassment.

[898] So I was cackling uncontrollably.

[899] But over the last few days, I'm like, well, why aren't I calling that a comedy?

[900] That's a comedy.

[901] And it's a billion dollar comedy.

[902] I would have said a year ago, there'll not ever be a comedy against over 100 million again.

[903] When you were talking about six years ago, when you wanted to quit and then you got fired up again, if you really think about as an actor, what fires you up?

[904] Like when you moved out here and you were like, I want to get into the game, what is it you wanted to do.

[905] And I'm like, bits.

[906] Yes.

[907] Yes.

[908] That's it.

[909] I wanted to be in a room with people who I find really funny.

[910] Who want to laugh their way through this tragedy.

[911] That is human life.

[912] And I want people watching it to laugh.

[913] Yeah.

[914] And I didn't go to acting school.

[915] I don't care.

[916] I've got a friend now who's like trying to get me with his acting coach guru.

[917] And I'm like, I'm not going.

[918] I'm just not interested.

[919] But if I'm cross covered and the person I'm with is on fire, I think like, man, I got the best.

[920] seat in the house.

[921] If that could be the job again, I went away from it for a while where, you know, you just take gigs.

[922] But that's where it's fun, man. Let's talk strike for one second, because you're actually the example I would use of when it's really heartbreaking, which is you did spend presumably a year of your life directing something that's coming out in September and you're obligated to not promote it.

[923] You accept that just lock stock?

[924] I was disappointed.

[925] I do believe in the strike, I have seen the middle class of actors get murdered.

[926] It wasn't that way when I was coming up.

[927] So it does feel deeply unfair.

[928] I did an episode of the unit, David Mamet, a CBS show.

[929] I think I got paid $24 ,000 and then four years of residuals.

[930] So for one episode, I paid for my apartment, I had a life.

[931] And I have watched over the years, my character actor friends are dying.

[932] Yeah.

[933] And if you're not the brand, for lack of a cooler way of saying it.

[934] Yeah.

[935] One and two on call sheets are getting paid still.

[936] Your name's not above the title of the thing.

[937] Yes, but you're getting paid still.

[938] Then I'm looking down, I'm starting when I'm talking to people who are deeper on that call sheet and hearing their numbers, I'm like, that's fucking garbage.

[939] You can't live.

[940] And so I am disappointed.

[941] I don't get to promote it, but I also have a thing and maybe I'm wrong on this, but I was doing press for this before and they said, like, do you feel more pressure on this than others?

[942] And what I really feel is each individual project, you feel like it really matters when you're in it.

[943] But it's all a novel.

[944] And as long as I'm allowed in this game, it started with some stuff in like 2005 and it's hopefully going to end in X amount of more years.

[945] And this is just part of it.

[946] Those who are going to find it are going to find it.

[947] It's not an opening weekend movie.

[948] It's not like Oppenheimer, Barbie, my movie.

[949] And so the way people find these things are someone's going to talk to somebody and it's going to spread.

[950] And it will have a life.

[951] It's something I'm really proud of.

[952] I got hit in the face with that news.

[953] and then I thought like, well, that's the game, man. That's so healthy, yeah.

[954] I also read you say that the wins and the losses, they used to be kind of separated.

[955] They were wins and losses.

[956] And now they're just kind of one blob of the thing, right?

[957] Now I look back and I look at the whole experience.

[958] And it's just like a nice mid -level.

[959] You average the whole thing out.

[960] It's like we're above 51%.

[961] And I can live with that.

[962] But I also have a thing in terms of the wins losses.

[963] When you're in it, it's really confusing.

[964] So I did a show on ABC called Stumptown.

[965] It was a procedural.

[966] Kobe Smolders was the lead.

[967] Michael Ely was in it.

[968] A guy named Cole was in it.

[969] It was just a really fun cast.

[970] We got along great.

[971] And this show came out, pandemic hit, went away, whatever.

[972] A net loss, if you're an investor, and you invested in the pilot of Stumptown, which we all did.

[973] You know, we got paid for two seasons, but it lost.

[974] Michael Ely's wife reached out about making a little video for his birthday and was talking about his reaction when he and I text and how much fun he had on set.

[975] And I remembered how many laughs I had with that fucking guy, how great Kobe was as a lead and being like, oh, she is a fucking dream.

[976] And I'm like, no, that's a net win.

[977] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[978] I really liked those people.

[979] The material I liked.

[980] I wasn't like, this is my dream thing, but even this movie.

[981] It's not a year of your life you want back.

[982] No, but also you make these projects, and I have learned now, some people are going to like them, some people aren't.

[983] I could do a bunch of press.

[984] Some people are going to like it.

[985] Some people aren't.

[986] It's true.

[987] It won't change their reaction to it.

[988] And those who like it, I do have a base.

[989] It's not huge.

[990] But those people will go like, you kept it weird for us, my man. And I'm like, well, it's what I like.

[991] Yeah.

[992] Okay.

[993] So when you decided, first of all, I didn't know Gareth Reynolds.

[994] Yeah.

[995] Gareth is your co -host on We're here to help.

[996] So you have a podcast now with Gareth, who wrote on Arrested Development and Flake and Hoops.

[997] Okay.

[998] But you guys met.

[999] Gareth was a guy I met in 2004.

[1000] We were both improvisers.

[1001] And he.

[1002] He's truly, and I say this as a guy, we've maintained friendships throughout.

[1003] He's one of the dumbest guys I've ever met.

[1004] But in terms of me, like, a great friend.

[1005] Yes.

[1006] Like, we used to call him Option 1, and that is because he always says yes to the first option.

[1007] And so, like, as a friend, it's really lovely.

[1008] Oh, God, that's great.

[1009] You be like, all right, so you guys want to eat?

[1010] And somebody will go, yeah, and I'll go, I mean, I got a box of cereal here.

[1011] He goes, I love cereal.

[1012] And you're like, let me finish.

[1013] I didn't even finish.

[1014] And so he had gotten into the podcast world for years.

[1015] He does a thing called the dollar.

[1016] That's big.

[1017] It's how he's been making his money for years.

[1018] He's been talking to me about doing a podcast for a while.

[1019] I've always seen the podcast world is something other.

[1020] It's not what I do.

[1021] It's very foreign to you.

[1022] And I learned it when I came here the first time, I was like, oh, motherfucker's doing his homework.

[1023] I mean, you have a sheet of paper ahead of you.

[1024] Yeah, but it's just my credits.

[1025] But I mean that as it's a mirror.

[1026] I got to keep myself confident.

[1027] A piece of paper.

[1028] But like, there's homework to be done.

[1029] I know I'm not going to do that.

[1030] Right, you're not a homework guy.

[1031] Depending on a type of podcast.

[1032] Yeah, but I was talking for a while with somebody who was like a hero of mine and who reached out about doing a podcast where I'd interview different people.

[1033] And I thought like, man, really cool.

[1034] I was really thinking about it was a couple years ago.

[1035] And then it was like, you know, you get different people on and you could learn.

[1036] I was talking to one of the producers.

[1037] And so what I have to do?

[1038] And they're like, you know, you just have to like read the book of the person.

[1039] And I went literally, pass.

[1040] Right, right, right, right.

[1041] We were about to tell you how much money.

[1042] I don't need to know.

[1043] Yeah.

[1044] What I also didn't want to do in terms of podcast is just get a bunch of friends and just fully bullshit.

[1045] Standups are doing a really good job with that where you're like, some of them are very good, but I don't want to do that.

[1046] And then Gareth pitched me an idea and it was just something I thought like, all right, that's a fun enough premise.

[1047] And I go, let's make 10.

[1048] And I'll pay our producer out of pocket.

[1049] If it's not fun, we'll never release it.

[1050] And then no harm, no fault.

[1051] We're friends.

[1052] And it was a Dear Abby advice show.

[1053] But our version of the advice is saying, if you have.

[1054] I had uncles like I had.

[1055] Uncle Eddie.

[1056] Nice call.

[1057] They were always on my team.

[1058] They weren't necessarily right.

[1059] Or good for you, but they're on your team.

[1060] Really quickly, tell Monica about Uncle Eddie coming to live with you when you were 15.

[1061] My uncle got arrested in Florida for, I still am not positive, something about like stealing computers.

[1062] And they brought him back to Illinois.

[1063] And so I was 14 or 15 at the time, and my mom said, my brother, who's wild, is going to come live with us.

[1064] And I remembered we, you know, picked him up from jail.

[1065] Wow.

[1066] And his first thing was, you got to tell everybody you fucking shit your pants.

[1067] And I'd be like, totally.

[1068] In order to get out when you're in jail and you're in the yard, you got to fucking act crazy, man. And I was like, absolutely.

[1069] You know, from the suburbs, believe me, I get it.

[1070] You know, when I'm at my very good public school, I will pretend to have shit in my pants too.

[1071] But then Eddie came back, lived with us for a year.

[1072] That was still when I wasn't close to my dad, so I was really craving that thing.

[1073] And he used to make neon signs and would sell him around Chicago.

[1074] He would walk into a shop.

[1075] He was a hell of a salesman.

[1076] And he would go like, you got a fucking beautiful fucking shop here, man, but you don't have advertised it.

[1077] Let me do it.

[1078] The catchers, his craftsmanship was dog shit.

[1079] Oh, and so I would be with him.

[1080] And he was so good at selling.

[1081] Yeah.

[1082] That somebody would be like, how much?

[1083] He'd be like, 800 bucks.

[1084] I'll get the name.

[1085] I was his worker.

[1086] As I would be hanging.

[1087] As, like, a 15 -year -old stoner.

[1088] At that point, I was out of school.

[1089] I dropped out for a little bit.

[1090] Did me about that?

[1091] I don't remember that.

[1092] Took a little time.

[1093] I would be hanging a sign -up, and I would be thinking, this looks bad.

[1094] Like, you know, like, when you're a kid and you're a worker, you don't really think to question.

[1095] But I'd be like, first of all, it's a little crooked.

[1096] But I was like, the lettering's weird.

[1097] I'd be like, the L -E, the M is really, and I'd go like, edit.

[1098] And he goes, shut the fuck.

[1099] And then as the person saw it, we would literally.

[1100] have to run.

[1101] Oh my God.

[1102] Oh, man. Oh, my God.

[1103] Was he bending the glass?

[1104] He did everything.

[1105] He did.

[1106] Wow.

[1107] That's kind of a genius, I guess.

[1108] Yeah.

[1109] I mean, he was a big part of the late 60s, acid, stonery, drug world.

[1110] So that whole world was very cool to him.

[1111] Yes.

[1112] An incredible character.

[1113] And then he suggested to Jake at some point, you should do a betting pool.

[1114] Oh, the football.

[1115] So this was while I was still in school, he goes, He goes, you got a lot of friends, and I was like, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

[1116] I have friends.

[1117] I have humans.

[1118] I talk to people.

[1119] And he goes, let's do a thing together.

[1120] You want to do a thing together?

[1121] We both like the bears.

[1122] I was like, I love the bears.

[1123] He goes, let's do a football pool.

[1124] And I go, cool.

[1125] Didn't know anything about it.

[1126] Here's all you need to do.

[1127] He printed out every game and then a number's things, like nine through one.

[1128] You need to pick a winner, go nine through one, five bucks to play.

[1129] Winner takes all.

[1130] And say, tell them, you're going to take like, you know, five percent for you.

[1131] So you don't want to lie to people.

[1132] I'm like, sure, who cares?

[1133] Tell just my friends, you know, five people hear about it.

[1134] Fucking things spreads.

[1135] So random people are coming up to me going, can I get one of those sheets?

[1136] At school.

[1137] At school.

[1138] Okay.

[1139] So people are coming to me with their name, their sheet, and $5.

[1140] And it's happening fast.

[1141] Are you getting nervous as it starts?

[1142] You're not.

[1143] You feel great about it.

[1144] There's a part of my brain that's just utter dog shit.

[1145] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1146] I can say this affectionately, but I know you can relate.

[1147] There are moments I've been in where people are like.

[1148] I've been a criminal many times.

[1149] And they're like, did you not see the red flags?

[1150] And I'm like, I swear to God, no. Looking back, I can rewrite it at the time.

[1151] I was like, no. Also, I had a story about myself, which is like, I didn't have what I deserved.

[1152] Yeah.

[1153] Like, I grew broke and I deserved more.

[1154] And if I got it, I didn't really care because I knew it was owed to me. And this is mine now.

[1155] I think mine was more when your kids are young and they're all in preschool.

[1156] All the kids are cute.

[1157] Then you're talking to some parent and you're like, that one's yours.

[1158] And what you want to say is like, I hope they come around.

[1159] Yeah, I hope it turns out.

[1160] I was that.

[1161] Okay.

[1162] Where it was like, just, I'll fucking block it.

[1163] So at the end of the week, I have my memories around $600, but I don't know for sure, but a lot of money.

[1164] Enough money where I thought, like, we're in good shape.

[1165] Pre -internet, so Sunday, while the games are going on, I'm just writing everything down.

[1166] We did not have Monday night at the time.

[1167] So, like, back then, you'd have, like, three minutes for scores.

[1168] He'd be like, Jets, Giants!

[1169] Yeah!

[1170] So, Sunday night, I go down to my uncle.

[1171] He was in the basement, and I go, hey, Eddie.

[1172] So I got all the scores, and he was like, yeah.

[1173] And I go, what's your system?

[1174] Like, how do we do it?

[1175] And he goes, there's no fucking system.

[1176] And I go, that's what I said.

[1177] I go, what's that?

[1178] He goes, there's no system.

[1179] And I go, well, no, the nine through one.

[1180] What does it mean?

[1181] I go like, I'm willing to do it.

[1182] I just don't know what it means.

[1183] You're back on the framing crew.

[1184] It's the guy telling you to run a two by six.

[1185] Literally walk me through it.

[1186] I'll do it all.

[1187] I don't care.

[1188] I like this.

[1189] I'll do this every week.

[1190] This has been fun.

[1191] And he goes, there's no system.

[1192] And I had that moment where you realize like, oh, I'm in a world of shit.

[1193] And I went like, huh.

[1194] And then he goes, who do you trust at school?

[1195] And I go, who do I trust?

[1196] And he goes, who has your back no matter what?

[1197] In retrospect, it was a really interesting moment because you look at your crew differently.

[1198] Because it's probably not your best friend.

[1199] It wasn't my crew.

[1200] There was a kid who ended up becoming a school social worker who I grew up with a guy named AJ Gomberg, who was just one of those guys.

[1201] I just trusted AJ.

[1202] And he goes, call AJ.

[1203] Tell him, you won the fucking pool.

[1204] Shut your fucking mouth.

[1205] I'm giving you $200 and you keep the rest.

[1206] And I went like, no, no. And he goes, there's no system.

[1207] So you could either tell everybody at school, you hustled them.

[1208] Because you did it, not me. Or you can call AJ.

[1209] So I called AJ Gomburg and I went like, hey, AJ, it's Jake.

[1210] You won the pool.

[1211] He goes, I didn't win any good.

[1212] games, I go, shut you fucking up.

[1213] I gave him the money.

[1214] Oh, my God.

[1215] When I was 15, my father, he hired me and my friend, J. Rob, to call up businesses and ask if they wanted to take an ad out in this Hugs Not Drugs coffee table pamphlet that would keep all kids off drugs if we could just get this thing in circulation.

[1216] And you could buy an ad.

[1217] We would call businesses, but we also called like an Elkswodge.

[1218] And they were like, okay, well, here's how it works for us.

[1219] We do make charitable donations, but we decide at our Monday night dinner.

[1220] So if you could come to that and pitch what it's all about.

[1221] So me and my friend J. Rob go to a fucking Elks Club.

[1222] He's 16.

[1223] I'm 15.

[1224] And we explained to them that we were bad drug addicts and that this system changed our life.

[1225] And while it was happening, I was just like, I know what I have to do, which is like, I got to get an ad from the Elks Club.

[1226] And I was okay with just saying that I had been a bad act and I wouldn't have been without this hug.

[1227] it's not drugs thing.

[1228] And you know, we never put out the pamphlet.

[1229] Like, we certainly sold a bunch of ads, but we never, it never went to print.

[1230] Yeah.

[1231] So grim.

[1232] It is.

[1233] Did you think Uncle Eddie was smart for doing that?

[1234] Once you sat with it, were you like, okay.

[1235] You know, he always felt very other than me. In retrospect, there was a few things that happened.

[1236] When I was diagnosed with dyslexia, in the 80s, my mom referred to it as laziness.

[1237] So it wasn't the kind of thing where you got help with stuff.

[1238] I try to explain this to people all the time.

[1239] I went to learning disabled every day.

[1240] Yes.

[1241] You put these little cards through this machine.

[1242] It said cat on it.

[1243] You put it through and then some computer voice went, cat.

[1244] And somehow that was the solution to dyslexia.

[1245] They put me in the same thing and I didn't like it.

[1246] Right.

[1247] Well, you're with kids that are actually handicapped.

[1248] It was like me and like four other kids and I'm like, I know this isn't my group.

[1249] I know.

[1250] It's almost like getting wrongly convicted.

[1251] You're like, why am I in here?

[1252] But so that's exactly it, by the way.

[1253] I love that term because I remember being like, this is fucked up.

[1254] and this is wrong.

[1255] And my reaction to it was now nobody knows anything.

[1256] And so if they would say like, hey, what's the answer?

[1257] It was always a joke.

[1258] Now I'm going to be such a fucking social problem for you that you're not going to put me in that class.

[1259] You might want to kick me out, but you're not going to put me there.

[1260] So I think what Eddie was doing, because I kind of loved him and I kind of hated him.

[1261] But we had like a moment later where we were in his truck and it was winter and I didn't have a jacket on.

[1262] I wasn't cold.

[1263] And he did this, like, huge, weird fight about me putting a coat on.

[1264] Tried to dad you a little bit?

[1265] Yeah, but he never had kids, and he didn't know how to do it.

[1266] Some really weird energy was, we were, like, all joking around, having fun.

[1267] And then we were going to, like, go to get a burger.

[1268] And then he's like, put a fucking coat on.

[1269] I was like, I'm okay.

[1270] And he's like, put a fucking coat.

[1271] And I'm like, I'm okay.

[1272] Like, mom doesn't make me, so I'm fine.

[1273] And it kept going.

[1274] And then he said, in anger, if we got in a fucking crash and I couldn't reach and I had to watch you to fucking freeze to death.

[1275] That's not happening.

[1276] And I'm like, in a really fucked up way, this is you caring about it.

[1277] So at the time I didn't, but when I look back, him making me do the neon signs and being for all the pitches, I think he thought, you don't have a fighting fucking chance of making money, you dope.

[1278] Yeah, you're not going to make it through high school.

[1279] This is how you're going to do it.

[1280] And if I'm your parental figure, you're not going to be a banker.

[1281] Right.

[1282] It's not going to be An oncologist Yeah, it's not going to be like Well, I ended up being a doctor Because you can't pronounce Any of the words So this is a path And in retrospectives I've gone back I'm like not how I would have done it Of course But it was really loving Yeah clearly well intentioned Clearly that you don't see it So even at that time I didn't think like he's smart I thought what a fucking prick Because then I was really afraid Of word spreading And people being like you and AJ hustled us and then I got afraid of the cops and I had like money to burn I went to a CD store and bought like the most expensive CD which was a double disc Bob Dylan greatest hits which got me into good music like there you go from there but before that I was listening to like radio I was like well this old man's pretty interesting talk about the butterfly effect yeah he's a character he passed away years ago but he's one of those humans that there's certain people who should have a big effect on you and they have none major characters that you think like even their vibe to you is like this is a big relationship and I'm like you're not penetrating at all and I wish you were because you're very positive you're very smart but you just mean nothing to me yeah those figures when they materialized in my life in truth I just didn't feel worthy of them or actually good I felt like you're seeing good in me that's not there I hear that but mine would be even if I would want to get I'm like you're just not speaking my language right and I'll still see people I'm like, you're a great influence.

[1283] That's a good human, and I'm like...

[1284] Not for me. And not even negative.

[1285] Yeah, just not for me. For me, I just would always immediately feel guilty.

[1286] I'm not going to live up to this thing.

[1287] I know I want to run with the wolves a little bit, and I'm going to disappoint you, and I'm not as good as you think I am.

[1288] That's interesting.

[1289] And just this horrendous guilt about that.

[1290] So you must have had a really crazy time in Hollywood when you started really popping, because you started popping, and I know we'd mentioned this last time we were here, but you were one.

[1291] of the first of our group, you rose up.

[1292] I was auditioning for punk did.

[1293] Everybody was out here doing that game.

[1294] And you were an example of like, and now it worked.

[1295] So if that's a core feeling, man, that must have been a wild -ass era.

[1296] I will say, though, I had gotten older.

[1297] I'm mostly talking about like when I was younger.

[1298] I mean, I don't want to get too dark on you, but just knowing that you were molested and you've not told anyone yet.

[1299] Something as simple as that at your core.

[1300] and then some nice benevolent figure that comes across you in high school or a teacher, and they're saying, I see you.

[1301] And I'm like, I'm a vile piece of shit, right?

[1302] But by the time that happened, I had already been sober once.

[1303] You'd lived a lot.

[1304] I had done an inventory.

[1305] I had told people I was mad that I didn't feel shame about it anymore.

[1306] So some things had allowed me to like myself enough to accept some of that.

[1307] Yeah, that's neat.

[1308] But always probably tricky.

[1309] Yeah, but still, that middle ground was the missing piece for my narrative.

[1310] That makes sense.

[1311] you had gone through shit enough and come out that that period wasn't as insane.

[1312] Yeah.

[1313] Although tons of distrust always, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1314] You got it.

[1315] Chill death, chill death.

[1316] I'm going to die with some of this shit.

[1317] That is interesting what you say about the, it's really interesting what you say about your molestation.

[1318] Oh, thank you.

[1319] I try to keep it fresh.

[1320] I know I talk about ennoissemium.

[1321] We've got to revamp it.

[1322] No, but I do think when you have a secret like that, that you are just like, well, this is a secret that I'm dying with, no one's ever going to know.

[1323] You're always going to feel a little isolated because you know, no one can ever really know you.

[1324] There's a part of you, there's a piece that is broken.

[1325] Well, no, it's just even if it's like, no one's going to know this thing about me. I've decided it.

[1326] I've declared it.

[1327] It's not happening.

[1328] So even if I fall in love, that person isn't going to know all of me. The whole year.

[1329] It's a weirdly isolating.

[1330] That's hard.

[1331] That's why secrets kill people.

[1332] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1333] Mine was different than that.

[1334] I didn't have a secret, but I did feel like everybody else has other stuff I didn't have.

[1335] And I think that's partly when one of your parents isn't around.

[1336] Well, look, dude, we had friends who had dads who practiced sports with them in the front yard.

[1337] Yes.

[1338] And we're just there.

[1339] Simply, you would go to someone's house and you would just see a man on the couch.

[1340] And I used to have a really weird thing.

[1341] When I was around adult men, I would have a physical reaction.

[1342] so like if a coach went like all right when his hand left it would still be something I craved and I hated craving it so I'd be like fuck no no no no no no so certain people would have an effect and others like my uncle Eddie even then I'm like you're just penetrating and it's going to take me a long time and I'll have people now where I'm like I'm not sure why it's penetrating but later I might get it you just seem like a really interesting person But I had a buddy of my Craig Ants that nicknamed me Jake five years ago.

[1343] And he goes, because you're always into stuff about five years late.

[1344] And he goes, but you talk about it like it's new and exciting.

[1345] But we all did this talk literally five years ago.

[1346] But it like, it will take some time.

[1347] Well, kind of like crocs.

[1348] That's old news.

[1349] What's your thing right now?

[1350] Like quinoa, like asai berry.

[1351] They're healthy.

[1352] It's healthy.

[1353] It's like dessert this healthy.

[1354] I mean, sadly, my Jake five years.

[1355] ago's podcasts.

[1356] Yeah, well, that's just kind of on par.

[1357] You know, but podcasts aren't where they are now.

[1358] The established players are the established players.

[1359] There's a marketplace.

[1360] And then there's a lot of people who are doing it as a hobby.

[1361] Yeah, it's fun.

[1362] And you get like 11 viewers and you're like, Dede, Dede, Dede.

[1363] Hey, this is Jimmy James.

[1364] And you're like, okay, fun.

[1365] And that's where I get like the excitement of, oh, what a wild Jake five years ago moment.

[1366] Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

[1367] If you dare.

[1368] So even when we started, and Monica will remember, I already felt way behind.

[1369] Because we weren't by any means first.

[1370] Mark Marin was there.

[1371] Rogan was there.

[1372] Anna Ferris was there.

[1373] So I started this process in my head six years ago thinking you're a poser.

[1374] You already missed the train.

[1375] We were going to call it the millionth podcast.

[1376] That's right.

[1377] Which, by the way, now I just had lunch with our Spotify boss yesterday.

[1378] You know how many there are right now?

[1379] Four million?

[1380] Five.

[1381] Wow.

[1382] Every time we hear it, it's crazy.

[1383] Like, I had been saying $3 million for a while, yeah, and now it's fine.

[1384] Oh, my God.

[1385] Well, half of them are ours.

[1386] That's true.

[1387] That's true.

[1388] Do you have the voice, the shadow that's saying to you, like, you can't do this?

[1389] You're too late.

[1390] Yeah, but that was the thing for years.

[1391] I guess it's already kind of over.

[1392] And then finally, Gareth came to me with this idea and I said, well, that could be really fun because one of the things I like about to impress is I love a Q &A after a screen in.

[1393] Fucking A. Probably what I do the best.

[1394] I love it, man. I'm better at that than an actor, but it's also really fun.

[1395] I'm not interested in doing like the fan events where you stand there, you take photos, you do it.

[1396] I'm like, that's no fun for me. But when you're there and someone stands up, people are funny.

[1397] Oh, absolutely.

[1398] And when they can let it rip a little bit and you're just in this interaction with somebody, I'm like, well, I really like that.

[1399] And can I add, you make a decision, I'm going to go for it, even though this is in public and it might be being recorded.

[1400] And there's something very exhilarating about that.

[1401] where I'm at in my head is if it doesn't work, the fucking risk is nothing.

[1402] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, true.

[1403] The amount of money spent is shoot one scene.

[1404] No, and then you go, all right, so let's say we do it for a year and people don't listen.

[1405] I've got to hang out with my buddy Gareth more in this last search of time.

[1406] And by the way, I do believe, I'm sure there's exceptions, but in general, I think that's the only ones that work.

[1407] You have to really just want to do it.

[1408] We had zero illusions of making money.

[1409] That was not the goal.

[1410] And I've had the goal of making money.

[1411] I'm a greedy pig.

[1412] Me too.

[1413] And I didn't, because it seemed preposterous.

[1414] Here's my personal hope for it is that we have enough of a base that the random time where Gareth goes, hey man, if you're going to be in Chicago, want to do one at this theater.

[1415] For sure, you must.

[1416] I don't know how long we're going to do it.

[1417] I hope we do it for a while.

[1418] When Gareth and I, the first time we became buddies, we were at the Rustic Inn.

[1419] A bunch of improvisers are around.

[1420] Everyone's hanging.

[1421] and he and I were similar roles in our groups.

[1422] That could clash.

[1423] It was.

[1424] So that was the competition.

[1425] Like Gareth and I, we didn't audition for punked, but we did wedding crashers.

[1426] That was the one that was copying punked.

[1427] He got it.

[1428] I didn't.

[1429] We were those guys together and we sit down next to each other and we're all drinking.

[1430] And I turned to him and just say, we should probably pour our own beers on our own heads.

[1431] With no really thought of the bit of where we're going.

[1432] Without hesitation, he just pours a beer on his head.

[1433] And I thought like, what an idiot.

[1434] And then like, years later, we bump into each other on a plane.

[1435] We were both going back to Midwest.

[1436] We did the same thing in the back.

[1437] And I kept being like, his decision making is like so flawed.

[1438] But like he really makes me laugh.

[1439] He's a really sweet guy.

[1440] He's very articulate and smart though.

[1441] I think the way you're describing him could be a hair misleading.

[1442] Yeah, no, he's a really sweet guy.

[1443] And he's actually very articulate and fast thinking.

[1444] Yeah, yeah, he's great.

[1445] It's no wonder he went into improv.

[1446] Yes.

[1447] So then we started doing the calls.

[1448] And in doing it, I'm like, this is a fun hang.

[1449] Oh my God.

[1450] Yeah.

[1451] It is virtually.

[1452] a Q &A after a screen.

[1453] Oh, yeah.

[1454] Because in the pilot, this Gail Shannon calls up.

[1455] She's ostensibly calling for advice.

[1456] We can get into what she's really calling for whatever, but she's calling for advice, and she wants to achieve more nerd clout in her Dungeons and Dragons life.

[1457] And she does a German accent as her character, Villamina.

[1458] Genuinely funny hearing you talk about this.

[1459] Well, right, because it's preposterous, right?

[1460] But even in doing it, it was like, yeah, this was a weird thing we did in our closet.

[1461] So Monica has a great, great show with her friend Liz Plank called Sink.

[1462] And they kind of give similar advice, but acknowledging we don't know shit.

[1463] And we're fucking up all the time as well.

[1464] But what I love about yours is it's anything.

[1465] Neither of you have any fucking insight on Dungeons and Dragons.

[1466] What I didn't want to do is I personally don't want to do real advice.

[1467] So in terms of the uncle advice or the in a bar advice, we really want to thrive in kind of ridiculous.

[1468] Yes.

[1469] Because there are people who could.

[1470] give you real advice, but we don't know you.

[1471] For example, we've got one that was really fun where there's a woman who's going on a high school reunion.

[1472] And she called in her question was, I have anxiety.

[1473] And I thought, like, why to drag this one is?

[1474] Because I'm like, I'm not a fucking thorough.

[1475] I don't know.

[1476] I'm literally doing this with my buddy Gareth because we text after really funny ones and it makes our text funnier.

[1477] Right, right.

[1478] Like the Shannon, the D &D one, we were dying about it.

[1479] Yeah.

[1480] Then we had her friend who plays the Irish character, Tootok or whatever.

[1481] She calls it.

[1482] And we're going to try to maybe go to the game at some point because it's a blast.

[1483] But it has to be that level.

[1484] We're there for bits.

[1485] And then when we fall into good advice, it's shocking.

[1486] So this woman calls up, she has anxiety.

[1487] We can't help.

[1488] I'm literally texting, Gareth.

[1489] We've got to wrap this one up.

[1490] Right.

[1491] Because are they calling in?

[1492] They call in, but we try doing one where we all see each other's faces.

[1493] Right.

[1494] And it changes it.

[1495] Because when they see us, their vibe is different.

[1496] So Gareth and I can see.

[1497] see each other and they call it.

[1498] So it's the voice of God thing.

[1499] You just go like, hey, how are it?

[1500] And we don't know what that call is going to be.

[1501] So we're discovering it.

[1502] Oh, wow.

[1503] And I was going to say, there's something production -wise that I love about it because it actually, let me back up.

[1504] I did want to ask one question that will lead into this observation.

[1505] When you would go do press tours for shows and movies, I'm going to guess you loved going and doing the radio shows?

[1506] Yes.

[1507] Yes.

[1508] So I discovered that quickly, too.

[1509] I would go in and you'd be in fucking Kansas City or Cleveland.

[1510] You'd go to all the radio shows in the morning.

[1511] And I immediately thought, oh, I love this.

[1512] It's so weird to want to do this because I'm doing movies.

[1513] And that seems like something backwards.

[1514] But funny enough, I did end up doing this.

[1515] But I knew immediately I love putting the headset on and talking in the microphone.

[1516] And callers, I did Loveline.

[1517] And talk about giving advice that's unsound.

[1518] You put me on Loveline.

[1519] But that feeling, I'm totally with you.

[1520] I loved it.

[1521] But the generation we came up with, there was a little bit of shame of love in it.

[1522] Because all the actors who I loved hate press, it takes away for the art. For me, yeah, it's all art, but like, it's also commerce.

[1523] My father sold cars.

[1524] We had a junk shop.

[1525] So I'm like, you're making something.

[1526] You want to sell it, right?

[1527] Then I also found it really fun.

[1528] Like, my mom had a junk shop, she's a purist.

[1529] And she used to get really mad at me because if she would leave the shop, I would negotiate.

[1530] So somebody comes in and goes, how much for the couch?

[1531] We found the fucking thing in an alley.

[1532] Right.

[1533] The couch was free.

[1534] We cleaned it.

[1535] We painted it.

[1536] We put new cushions on it.

[1537] The work was me and her.

[1538] So right now we've spent zero on the couch.

[1539] You put an arbitrary sign that said 350.

[1540] They offered another arbitrary number of 250.

[1541] So the market's 250.

[1542] If I can get it to $2 .75, what a win.

[1543] That back and forth, I would get such a rush.

[1544] And when I would do the morning show or I do the podcast, some of them are kind of boring.

[1545] And then I'll go, I'll be like, I don't know how many of these we're going to do.

[1546] Garrett.

[1547] He'll be like, you make a big claim.

[1548] I'll be like, all, I think we did it.

[1549] We're done.

[1550] He'll be like, shut up.

[1551] You liked the last three because when somebody comes, like this woman calls, she has anxiety.

[1552] I'm thinking, what a drag.

[1553] I don't want to do this anymore.

[1554] And then we go, well, hold on.

[1555] What do you want to do at this reunion?

[1556] And she goes, I didn't have a lot of friends and I wasn't popular, but I wasn't a loser.

[1557] I was just there.

[1558] And she goes, I'm now in my late 30s.

[1559] I don't have kids.

[1560] And I want to go back with three of my friends, but I don't want to just be that same thing.

[1561] have everybody talk to me about their kids and go like, yeah, cool, and leave feeling bad.

[1562] So we said, can we pitch an enormous lie to you?

[1563] And if you're into it, do it.

[1564] So we come up with this whole gag that she sold some artwork to Madonna.

[1565] Oh, my God.

[1566] She's an artist.

[1567] Madonna flew her out.

[1568] Then that night, Madonna happened to have a party and invited her.

[1569] And at that party, like, fucking Lionel Richie was there.

[1570] There was just like, go real.

[1571] And as we're going, Karen and I are just doing bits.

[1572] right we're heightening making each other laugh and then when the magic occurs for me on it is we go like are you going to do any of this and she goes I'm going to try well then she pitches back her take on it she's funnier than us oh wonderful then her friends come on the podcast and her husband and they then pitch what they've been talking about she then did it then we have a follow up after so that's why I'm like oh I'm seeing the meat and potatoes on this they're like it's not a random person calling being like my boyfriend dumped me what do I do.

[1573] I don't know and I don't care.

[1574] But that's why you have like a real therapist or a different show.

[1575] And I'm sure you can get a lot of benefit from that.

[1576] But when I talk shit about Gareth, it's because I love him.

[1577] We kill each other.

[1578] Yeah.

[1579] So the way I talk about him is the way he talks about me behind my back and to my face.

[1580] Yes.

[1581] We both think the other guy makes really dumb choices.

[1582] And so when you're in it with somebody and we're like, we don't want you hurt.

[1583] Are you into this game?

[1584] When they say yes, you're like, oh, what a fucking game.

[1585] And then you go, how far can you stretch it?

[1586] And so in terms of being late or where the money comes, I don't know.

[1587] But I do know, I can play this.

[1588] And if we do a live show, we'll have people call in.

[1589] I mean, we're discussing it.

[1590] But they're not there.

[1591] Right.

[1592] So they're not, you know, like when somebody who doesn't do this gets in front of a live audience, they change.

[1593] Yes, yes, yes.

[1594] And you're like, I promise you you're so much funnier when you're not being funny.

[1595] Yes.

[1596] Well, I was going to say, so the production value of it, there's something about the audio that sounds very landline.

[1597] Yes, totally.

[1598] And it's very retro radio.

[1599] And it brings me back to like clicking clack, listening to them like talk to something.

[1600] There's something wonderful about how it actually sounds.

[1601] So I had listened to this thing called the apology line about a guy in New York back in the 90s and it reminded me of a different era where he put a note up in New York City that said, here's a phone number, a landline.

[1602] Call in and leave a message and apologize for what you have done.

[1603] there will be no punishment, retribution, nothing.

[1604] So for years, people would call it and be like, I did this to my wife, nobody knows, I feel fucking terrible.

[1605] And in listening to those old calls, that was the era of my like creative consciousness, that era of the 90s, when all of a sudden some cool friend of yours who was older would lead you to some hip radio station on AM.

[1606] You would hear that, and then people are talking and you felt like I'm in your world.

[1607] Yes, yes.

[1608] The internet has now exploded that.

[1609] But not only do we see in everyone's world, we see in everyone's bodies.

[1610] There's too much.

[1611] There is a game to this.

[1612] I don't know, man. It's still exciting to me right now.

[1613] I'm the guy pushing being like, let's do more.

[1614] But what we need, the only way it's going to work for us is we need the right kind of callers.

[1615] Well, back to Shannon, whose D &D character is Vilamina.

[1616] Her ostensible problem is that she has a character and she does a German accent and it's not really working in her group.

[1617] And Gareth says it best You're edging I want to hear this accent so bad You start wanting to hear her accent So bad But Jake is edging He wants more of details about this And more about that And then all of a sudden It's almost like Jaws You can't wait to see Jaws And then She's so good She does the accent And it's incredible At this point you've convinced yourself It's going to be The craziest dumbest And she already has Which I'm surprised you were confused by this She's from Indiana, but she has a fucking deep southern accent, which, by the way, tons of kids in my rural Michigan town did.

[1618] It is a white trash accent.

[1619] Interesting.

[1620] But then she hit them with this German accent, and it was dynamite.

[1621] Their note was it's too good.

[1622] Yeah, cartooned up a little bit.

[1623] But the fun of that one for us was, and the big catch, and I don't know if you're having this with yours, too, with the people calling in, you just got to make sure it's real to them.

[1624] We read the questions.

[1625] Oh.

[1626] I do that specifically.

[1627] Because of that.

[1628] Yeah.

[1629] Because we have another show that we do on Fridays where we have callers submit insane stories like unauthorized evacuation at a gym, all that stuff.

[1630] I love it.

[1631] And so we do Zoom and we look at them.

[1632] But as you learn the hard way, I kind of'm looking for that emotional weird thing to happen.

[1633] So it actually ends up helping that we're looking at each other because you can see them sincere.

[1634] It's really worth it.

[1635] But in that one, we know that higher wire act.

[1636] Yeah, I think it depends.

[1637] What I love about your podcast, it sounds so funny and so good.

[1638] it's so authentic to you and I think that's what makes podcast work because you can have a great premise you can have whatever it can be super highly produced it has to be so authentic to your personality in order for it to work and I think for us like we could never do what you're doing we could never be doing bits because Liz and I we just want to have a question give our two cents but also talk for 15 minutes about what this makes us think about exactly That's what we are good at.

[1639] So that's what we're going to bring to the table.

[1640] And that's our personality.

[1641] It has to just be so you.

[1642] I totally agree.

[1643] And I don't say this negatively.

[1644] It's just a completely different relationship than we have with our audience.

[1645] And I enjoy it.

[1646] You're not necessarily nice.

[1647] No. Which I love, you're not mean.

[1648] I love that part of it.

[1649] Well, that's a big important part that Gareth and I talked about because when you do press, in our business, likeability matters so much.

[1650] In life, if you're in a bar, when I think to my uncles and I think a funny story, is the hardest I laugh is when somebody kills me because I'm wrong.

[1651] Right, yeah.

[1652] When I'm telling some story and somebody goes like, honestly, you're lying.

[1653] And then you realize, like, I'm not lying, but yeah, emotionally, I wasn't being truthful.

[1654] You're right, I'm retelling it like a hero.

[1655] And the truth is, yeah, you know what, I did want that.

[1656] And then you get that like great juice.

[1657] So our big thing, I mean this sincerely, we are on the person's team.

[1658] Now, that doesn't mean we're going to tell you how great you are.

[1659] You're on their team like a brother yes which is my brother is going to fight anyone who shows up to kick my ass but he's going to let me have it the entire time yes so that was our kind of bit and if somebody is a little bit crazy and they're in the wrong we had somebody call in that has been a really fun one he was at work you know regular 24 year old kid in Atlanta and he had sunglasses that had rainbows on him thoughtless sure truly when you get to know this kid thoughtless kid uh -huh at the end of work his boss said happy pride he just said said, thank you.

[1660] Then he said, I realized the next week people were treating me a little differently.

[1661] Oh.

[1662] Right?

[1663] And he said, in a good way.

[1664] He said, I liked my new role.

[1665] Now, the real advice, right, is you have to say, like, what you're doing is wrong.

[1666] Well, you can't false that.

[1667] I mean, you can't act like you're gay.

[1668] He doesn't have to act like he's gay.

[1669] He can just be normal.

[1670] Yes.

[1671] So, but then, hold on.

[1672] So for me personally, when I heard that, my first red flag is, no, no, no, man, people who are actually going through this and struggling.

[1673] Yeah.

[1674] You can't just wear the cap, asshole, because you're not, right?

[1675] That's like saying you're a veteran or something.

[1676] Exactly right.

[1677] So then we keep going, we go, so how do you know?

[1678] And he would have really funny examples where he would go like, you know, somebody would say, did you hear the new Taylor Swift album?

[1679] And he would say, like, I did.

[1680] And they go, what did you think?

[1681] And he goes, I loved it.

[1682] And so you're like, that's fair.

[1683] And then he never did anything.

[1684] He never lied.

[1685] In a court of law.

[1686] But then they go, he had jury duty.

[1687] And he's friends with a bunch of women at work now because they trust him.

[1688] Yeah.

[1689] And he said, one of them said, hey, jury do.

[1690] he might not be so bad there might be a hot guy and we go what'd you say he goes the truth there might be and so you're like you're the fucking best that's great so then you go all right so now for this show we're on your team so we're not going to give you the outside advice of what you have to do is be real because that's going to be bad for you so on the world of this show you're fucking out of line but we're on your team then we go what is your problem and he goes one of the girls i work with i have a crush on and it's genuine and we text outside of work, and I would like to see what happens.

[1691] This is quite a conundra.

[1692] No, to me, it's so straightforward.

[1693] He's not doing anything wrong.

[1694] I really don't think.

[1695] I think it's the guy's fault if he's wearing rainbow sunglasses.

[1696] It's that guy's issue for making an assumption.

[1697] So he's just saying, happy pride.

[1698] Great, happy pride.

[1699] He's been going on this now for almost two years.

[1700] Hold on now.

[1701] So he's in a spot now where he goes, but I like this woman.

[1702] Okay.

[1703] So then what's the...

[1704] I've got to add one thing.

[1705] I've sat out long enough.

[1706] When they say maybe they'll be a hot guy on the jury, you have to go...

[1707] There probably is.

[1708] I do like girls.

[1709] That's to me where the line was, because now you're perpetuating it.

[1710] We all know what they were saying.

[1711] That's leaning in.

[1712] He should have said, or a hot woman.

[1713] Yes, agreed.

[1714] And then they've been all fucked up.

[1715] Yeah.

[1716] He can still be a loose line.

[1717] But now for the game of the show.

[1718] Yes.

[1719] Right?

[1720] Because you're right.

[1721] That is very real advice.

[1722] That is where you cross the line.

[1723] But for the game of the show, which I also believe it, you got a hell of a great attitude about life.

[1724] Because guess what?

[1725] I notice good looking guys.

[1726] If I have a jury duty and the guy next to me is a 10 out of 10 when I saw you.

[1727] What the first thing I say?

[1728] Oh, Jesus Christ, man. You looking like a beef.

[1729] That's a compliment.

[1730] You look great.

[1731] Listen, I think we would agree.

[1732] I know way more hot guys in Hollywood than I know women.

[1733] You go like this.

[1734] Jesus Christ, you fucking hunk.

[1735] I'm a cracking egg on your head.

[1736] You're on fire.

[1737] Yeah, Josh Brolin, who we interviewed, he happened to stop by the other day out of nowhere, and I'm just looking at a table, and I'm like, look at you, son of the bitch.

[1738] Most handsome, son of a bitch.

[1739] You look like a piece of leather.

[1740] The dicks on your show that we wouldn't say the title to?

[1741] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1742] But we can't say the title to it.

[1743] By the way, you're brilliant on that show.

[1744] I think you're so good on it.

[1745] But I love looking at dicks.

[1746] So, same.

[1747] When I saw Boogie Nights and Bert Reynolds is looking at Mark Wahlberg, Rick's dick, just as money.

[1748] Yeah, yeah.

[1749] I thought like, I find that so perfect.

[1750] You see a great hawk and hogs.

[1751] If you're making money off this, the bigger, the better, baby.

[1752] Let me give you my business card.

[1753] And the way he tilts his head in that kitchen and then smiles.

[1754] I'm like, well, that's just wheelhouse for what I find X. It's like he's seen a Van Gogh.

[1755] Yeah, and he has.

[1756] It's like he sees a million bucks.

[1757] So the fun part of that job for me has been, there's nothing funny about three straight men with a beautiful woman going by making a comment on the body.

[1758] No, it's not safe.

[1759] In the 80s, in the 90s, there was a lot of comedy in that, especially if the guys are goobers.

[1760] These fat goobers, they're never going to get her.

[1761] Somehow culturally, that was really fun.

[1762] It's not anymore.

[1763] Correct.

[1764] We can still live in that immaturity when I'm at work, and there's a guy who takes his robe off and there's an intimacy coordinator, but the guy and I are doing bits, and I go like, you got a great body my man and he goes Don't I know it And I go what the fuck you're doing in the gym And he goes lifting everything And then his dick is clearly huge And he got a little lucky And he goes like God is good And we crack up I'm like you just made my Tuesday morning So funny man This movie I directed hit and run I had a scene in it Or we get the wrong hotel key And we walk in and there's It's not an active orgy They're post -coital But it's seniors and I just cast this out of like fucking Craigslist for this thing and a gentleman arrived and he just had the most glorious dong and he was so thin and wonderful looking and wispy hair and this huge hog I shot every angle of that dog three eyes of overtime certain random guys hogs and I know you tried to transition I really did I really did I just will say it's shocking and you go, never in a million years, when I guess you were packing that.

[1765] I judged you so incorrectly, my king.

[1766] Okay, get us out of it.

[1767] The advice, we never heard it.

[1768] What was your advice?

[1769] Get yourself a nice big dick.

[1770] Get a big old hog.

[1771] Get yourself a big hog, life works out.

[1772] Get really lucky, get a great big hog.

[1773] Who cares about everything else?

[1774] You'll be rich for life.

[1775] So, no, the advice for him, and Gareth and I always have slightly different advice, was what do you value more, the potential relationship with the girl or the job.

[1776] Okay.

[1777] Really salient.

[1778] Because you can't have both.

[1779] You might, but I think you could lie at work.

[1780] I don't think you can lie and start a relationship.

[1781] Yes.

[1782] I think that makes you a shitty person.

[1783] I think letting them believe you're gay makes you a gray area person, but starting a relationship that starts on a big lie, I think you're shitty.

[1784] Yeah.

[1785] So if you're going to go with her, you have to come out and say, here's the truth.

[1786] Come out of strength.

[1787] You've got to come out and say, like, this is something that happens.

[1788] I'm only telling you, but this is reality I would like to move forward.

[1789] There are so many landmines.

[1790] And as you're a corner person on this, I don't recommend that.

[1791] My advice was, let the girl go.

[1792] Keep doing the job.

[1793] Because if I'm truly on this person's team, I said, do you want to look for another job?

[1794] And he's like, no, the market's hard and I need the money.

[1795] And I go, do you see her as your future?

[1796] He's like, I don't know.

[1797] I like her.

[1798] If I'm your friend and we're at a bar and you're telling me and I got your back 100 % don't pursue the girl.

[1799] Wow, this is so interesting.

[1800] Part of the game is the advice is not the good advice.

[1801] It's what a friend would say to you.

[1802] We say at the end, you've heard our thing.

[1803] What are you going to do?

[1804] Sometimes I say, I'm going to just do this other thing.

[1805] And you go like, all right, great.

[1806] Yeah, we're not experts.

[1807] How bless you?

[1808] I bet he told you he's going to give up the girl.

[1809] I bet he didn't give up the girl.

[1810] I mean, when you like a girl, you don't really give a fuck what anyone says.

[1811] We didn't realize at the beginning, and now we're realizing we really like because of the follow -ups.

[1812] Yeah, absolutely.

[1813] We had one where some guy came on and he was talking about how he's not good enough for his girlfriend and it's a little bit whatever.

[1814] And then she came on and had a very different point of view on him and the dynamic.

[1815] And that was one we were like, well, isn't that fascinating?

[1816] The narrator's telling the story so when we can get other narrators in there.

[1817] Yeah, that's cool.

[1818] The truth is, it's just been really fun.

[1819] It's really early.

[1820] We've done like 40 calls so far.

[1821] So fun.

[1822] I don't know what it's going to be in a year.

[1823] I don't know how long I'm going to be passionate.

[1824] I'm very manic.

[1825] I get like really into something and then I'll make a big claim and I'll be like I'll never record in a microphone again and my wife will roll her eyes and I'm like no like this is real take me serious yeah take me the fact that I've been wrong about every other prediction I made by my own behavior take me serious on this one this is the one and yes I did just have coffee and yes I'm talking very fast and loud but I will say we are loving it now and we're going to push it as hard as we can in this era Well, it's great.

[1826] I'm glad that you waited and found the thing that's just a perfect fit for you.

[1827] But you guys are a legit inspiration.

[1828] Oh, well, thank you.

[1829] But I'm not kidding.

[1830] This room, when I left here, I don't think I told you, I've told a lot of people, you really threw me. Oh, yeah, I had no idea about that.

[1831] You rolled with it very effortlessly.

[1832] It was an out -of -body experience at first.

[1833] I had to, like, adjust.

[1834] I imagine people post you, and over the years they know what they're coming into, but yeah, you were early.

[1835] But also, I mean this as an ultra -compliment.

[1836] I didn't realize you were like a deep thinker.

[1837] Oh, a lot of people have that with him.

[1838] All his roles are like that.

[1839] Yeah, but I also thought like, the dude's hard funny, really fun.

[1840] I just thought I was going there.

[1841] One of the reasons I didn't do the other one in the middle was I'm not going to do all that homework.

[1842] If you're going to play this game, you got to get in the bone marrow with each person.

[1843] That's the fun of it.

[1844] Yeah, yeah.

[1845] And I can do that, but the fun has to be like, they show catfish was a big inspiration of why I said yes.

[1846] because I got into it with my kids.

[1847] Probably bad parenting because they're young.

[1848] But partly what I wanted to show was, apart from being entertaining, is don't trust the internet.

[1849] And what I found really fun about that show is the hosts are great, but each week there's a new thing that starts.

[1850] And I was like, oh, that's the caller to me. I can be really interested for 45 minutes.

[1851] I think we both have short attention spanning lives.

[1852] You've got to be productive in that window.

[1853] And then it's over.

[1854] Well, Jake, this has been a blast, just like it was the first time.

[1855] and I hope we do it a third time.

[1856] I would love it.

[1857] You guys are the best.

[1858] All right, everyone listen to, we're here to help.

[1859] It's out now.

[1860] And I imagine Villamina is the first.

[1861] She's out of number one.

[1862] Yeah, it's wonderful.

[1863] And anywhere you get podcasts?

[1864] Yes, I believe so.

[1865] Okay, great.

[1866] From what I'm being told.

[1867] I believe it's going to be anywhere.

[1868] All over.

[1869] All right, love it.

[1870] All right, Jake.

[1871] Thank you guys.

[1872] Stay tuned for the facts check so you can hear all the facts that we're wrong.

[1873] Oh my gosh.

[1874] I was so soothed.

[1875] We just had the most soothing expert of.

[1876] Golly.

[1877] He was great.

[1878] Oh, my Lord.

[1879] Well, don't give it away the gender.

[1880] They might be able to narrow it down.

[1881] They were great.

[1882] I had to wake up early today.

[1883] Me too.

[1884] Why did you wake up early?

[1885] I went to get my egg count looked at.

[1886] Is that something they tell you real time?

[1887] Yeah.

[1888] And?

[1889] It's better.

[1890] It's better.

[1891] It's better than it was.

[1892] Good.

[1893] So that's good.

[1894] Is that what you want, but it's improved?

[1895] Still, it's pretty good, actually.

[1896] I thought I could smell something.

[1897] No. A lot of eggs.

[1898] No, no, there's a lot of eggs.

[1899] It smells like eggs in this room.

[1900] No, don't say that.

[1901] It's disgusting.

[1902] You're not on any hormones.

[1903] No. So the protocol, like I went in today, they took my blood, my body blood, not my fly blood.

[1904] Okay.

[1905] Is there a difference?

[1906] Yeah.

[1907] Okay.

[1908] Fly blood has flies in it.

[1909] Well, sure.

[1910] And fly ointment.

[1911] Fly blood's kind of a fly ointment.

[1912] Kind of.

[1913] And I...

[1914] Are you on your flies?

[1915] Do you have to go during your flies?

[1916] On the third day of my flies.

[1917] Okay.

[1918] So then they did a vaginal ultrasound.

[1919] Oh.

[1920] And then that's when they're counting the fall of all.

[1921] This is they put the wand in the vash.

[1922] Yeah, in the vagina area.

[1923] Okay.

[1924] And it looked good.

[1925] I had this cycle.

[1926] It varies a little bit per cycle.

[1927] Okay.

[1928] This cycle, if we were to do it this cycle, which we're not.

[1929] Yeah.

[1930] By 14, she said if we did it this time, max would be 14.

[1931] Wasn't the last time like six or three?

[1932] Well, it was eight follicles.

[1933] Okay.

[1934] And like this is, so this is 14 follicles.

[1935] So then you never know, though.

[1936] You never know.

[1937] That's almost a 100 % increase.

[1938] It is a good increase.

[1939] Yeah, which probably would lend to the theory that you were still suffering a bit from the pill.

[1940] Definitely.

[1941] That was while I was still on it, really.

[1942] Yeah.

[1943] So that was, I've been off of it for a year.

[1944] The hope was that there would be some change.

[1945] And there is, so that's good.

[1946] Yay.

[1947] Congratulations.

[1948] Thanks.

[1949] So I'm nervous, though, because in, when I start ovulating, which is probably around the 18th.

[1950] Mm -hmm.

[1951] Up September?

[1952] Yeah.

[1953] I'm going to have to start estrogen for a week.

[1954] Okay.

[1955] And I'm nervous.

[1956] I didn't do that last time.

[1957] You didn't?

[1958] We're doing a new protocol based off of last time's poor results, small eggs.

[1959] Well, big eggs, but minimal.

[1960] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1961] Just a few big eggs.

[1962] Only a couple big eggs.

[1963] So we're doing a different protocol.

[1964] It's a little more intense.

[1965] This is one of those things I just got a flag real quick.

[1966] It's like for people who maybe weren't with us at Spot.

[1967] five for two years that are now back.

[1968] Like, they've missed the whole that, well, that Padmans have big eggs.

[1969] Exactly.

[1970] There's so much.

[1971] They're probably like, they would just take what I just said as an actual fact, like, that we know this about you, you have big eggs, which of course is just a bit that's now going on two years old.

[1972] Well, and it's a weird bit because it started as a bit before we knew about your eggs.

[1973] Any eggs.

[1974] We were talking about me thinking about doing egg freezing and then you made a joke about I have big eggs.

[1975] And your mom has big eggs.

[1976] as a joke.

[1977] Then when we started egg freezing, size is a factor and you want them to be big.

[1978] That is, that's the whole point.

[1979] So, I mean, bigger's better?

[1980] In order to retrieve them.

[1981] Yeah.

[1982] That's the whole point of the hormone injections that you do are to increase the size.

[1983] You're trying to get them as big as possible so you can retrieve them.

[1984] Anyway, if you've missed this and you're back, I did this last year, I got two mature eggs from that retrieval, which was not the best showing.

[1985] And we're hoping for more, and we'll see.

[1986] But I have to get on estrogen first, which I'm anxious about.

[1987] That's fair.

[1988] Yeah.

[1989] I love my hormones I'm on, so maybe it'll go well.

[1990] Maybe you'll feel more of something positive.

[1991] Maybe.

[1992] Might feel cranky, though, too.

[1993] I think it's, I think it makes you very emotional.

[1994] Emotional.

[1995] Yeah.

[1996] Okay.

[1997] So we'll see.

[1998] Well, you're welcome to be emotional on September 18th.

[1999] I'll put that in my calendar.

[2000] Thread lightly from the 18th to the 27th.

[2001] Yeah, I might need some gentle behavior.

[2002] Okay.

[2003] 18th to the 25th.

[2004] 18th to the following 18th.

[2005] Well, a month, but I think so it was.

[2006] Oh, my gosh.

[2007] And you're gentle for a year.

[2008] Oh, my God.

[2009] This is my outlet.

[2010] I got to be gentle around these like this eight and 10 year old.

[2011] They're so sensitive.

[2012] Well, I'm like, bottle it up.

[2013] I'm like, well, I know.

[2014] I'm just saying now it's, I'm going to have to join a bowling league or something.

[2015] We might.

[2016] We might.

[2017] So anyway, so I woke up early.

[2018] Why'd you wake up early?

[2019] What happened was I woke up at 3 a .m. I resumed my book on tape.

[2020] Mike Nichols.

[2021] I was just telling you about it.

[2022] I'm so into this biography.

[2023] It's so good.

[2024] Set my timer for an hour.

[2025] Mm -hmm.

[2026] Laying in bed.

[2027] Here it go off.

[2028] Yeah, I hate that.

[2029] Fuck.

[2030] Like, fuck.

[2031] reset it for another hour here I go off now I'm like well fuck me it's 5 a .m. I should probably get up and work out right now because I'm not going to have time the rest of the day.

[2032] Right.

[2033] And I'm kind of whipping myself up into that.

[2034] We're going to fuck it.

[2035] We're waking up at three today.

[2036] But we have a whole day and we had an expert that recorded a lot of mental, you know, it wasn't like chit chatting about rock and roll music or movies.

[2037] Yeah.

[2038] So I'm like, I just not going to work.

[2039] Anyways, I was able to go back to sleep from five to six.

[2040] Great.

[2041] Yeah, so I guess that was a win.

[2042] What time did you have to go for your egg retrieval?

[2043] It wasn't.

[2044] You don't like a hen.

[2045] Um, I don't.

[2046] You're not a hen?

[2047] I don't love it.

[2048] Okay.

[2049] Don't love it.

[2050] Um, so I had to be there at 8 .30, which is not early, really.

[2051] Well, it is for me. Yeah.

[2052] And it was in Pasadena to make sure I got there on time and stuff.

[2053] So I woke up at seven.

[2054] Okay.

[2055] Okay.

[2056] I did go back to sleep when I got home.

[2057] Oh, wonderful.

[2058] For like an hour.

[2059] Because my sleep's been bad because a couple days ago, right before bed, I was walking through the kitchen and I just, like, kind of had a habit, touched the knobs on my stove.

[2060] To make sure that they're off?

[2061] Exactly.

[2062] Like, just like click to make sure they're off.

[2063] One, I felt like I clicked it.

[2064] I clicked it in.

[2065] And then I got panicked.

[2066] That you were getting carbon monoxide poisoning?

[2067] Hasn't your father sent you a carbon monoxide detector?

[2068] Of course.

[2069] And it got unplugged.

[2070] Oh.

[2071] Okay.

[2072] His nightmare.

[2073] Yeah.

[2074] I, of course, thought that.

[2075] They're far less effective when they're unplugged.

[2076] Yeah.

[2077] But doesn't it have batteries in it for backup?

[2078] No, like it just got removed out of the wall.

[2079] Okay.

[2080] But doesn't it have battery?

[2081] No. Oh.

[2082] Yeah, I felt guilty because I was like, oh, my dad even tried to prevent this.

[2083] My daddy.

[2084] My daddy would try to look after me and he tried everything he could.

[2085] Didn't.

[2086] He can't protect me from everything.

[2087] No, can't protect people from themselves.

[2088] Exactly.

[2089] Especially me. Mm. And he tries to make me not go out in hurricanes and I do.

[2090] And it's like, what am I doing?

[2091] Anyway, so then I opened the window, but it felt like that's not enough if it had been on all day.

[2092] Right.

[2093] But you would have smelled.

[2094] That's what I thought.

[2095] It's very likely that the valve was off long before the click.

[2096] Okay.

[2097] Because there's a lot of real estate between low and off.

[2098] But do you think that a tiny leak would be happening, though, unless it's fully clicked off?

[2099] I know.

[2100] Also, is it yours old enough that the pilot lights always lit?

[2101] Is there always a little blue flame in the burners when you look over them?

[2102] Uh -uh.

[2103] Okay, never mind.

[2104] That's how mine was in my old apartment.

[2105] Oh, I mean, it is old, but no. Anyway, so I...

[2106] You kind of were neurotic about...

[2107] I was, and I couldn't sleep, and I also had a headache.

[2108] Oh.

[2109] Did you ever door closed?

[2110] No. Well, why wouldn't you close your door if you thought there was carbon dioxide coming from the kitchen?

[2111] Well, then I opened also a little bit.

[2112] I cracked open the one in my bedroom, and I thought two would be a little better.

[2113] But it was also the middle of the night, and I was worried about crazies coming in the window.

[2114] too.

[2115] Of course.

[2116] Lots of fears to juggle at once.

[2117] And not to mention the mice that are scampering around.

[2118] Oh my God.

[2119] Yeah, because last night I was listening to nobody's listening, right?

[2120] My favorite podcast.

[2121] And they were telling a horrifying story about maggots.

[2122] Oh, we just had one of those, too.

[2123] And I knew you guys just had a whole situation.

[2124] We found maggots in my butt.

[2125] No, I do not say that.

[2126] That's so disgusting.

[2127] In case people were wondering what it was.

[2128] No, we had a trash can we opened and it was.

[2129] was full of mad.

[2130] That's what happened to them.

[2131] It's so, like.

[2132] Elizabeth said something really specific.

[2133] Magids or snakes?

[2134] Just really quick.

[2135] I need nowhere they're at in the hierarchy.

[2136] What are you more grossed out by?

[2137] Snakes or maggots?

[2138] I'm grossed out by maggots.

[2139] I'm scared of snakes.

[2140] Okay.

[2141] But you're also scared of maggots, I'd imagine.

[2142] Well, I'm scared because they're so gross.

[2143] Like, they can't be in there.

[2144] Oh, God, don't.

[2145] Elizabeth said it really well.

[2146] Well, because she was having this reaction, too.

[2147] She said, these are the types of things that make me feel, this is what she said, and I fully agree, make me feel like I can't, like, be a person.

[2148] Like, I can't be human.

[2149] I can't handle this world.

[2150] Okay, it's overwhelming.

[2151] Yeah, when I think about, like, so many maggots in the trash can, like I can't live in a world like that.

[2152] There has to be something evolutionarily happening that we have such an outsized fear of maggots.

[2153] They can't do anything to you.

[2154] It's because it's death -related, I think.

[2155] Right, exactly.

[2156] I think somehow we know that they're generally present when there's some old food decaying or a body decaying.

[2157] There's decays.

[2158] Did you figure out why you had them?

[2159] Like, what was it that caused it?

[2160] Well, just we have some holes in the top of our trash can for worse.

[2161] I won't say for better or worse.

[2162] For worse.

[2163] And so the flies get in there and they nibble on all that trash.

[2164] And then they lay all their eggs.

[2165] And that's the larvae.

[2166] Oh, my God.

[2167] Oh, God, I think I got bit by a larvae.

[2168] Ah, my God!

[2169] Oh, my God!

[2170] Larva!

[2171] Don't out!

[2172] Oh, Jennifer.

[2173] Now you've, that's a real object, though.

[2174] Oh, that hurt.

[2175] Oh, boy.

[2176] Oh, my gosh.

[2177] Okay.

[2178] But are you sure it wasn't like something dead in the trash?

[2179] Well, it was food.

[2180] It's rotting food.

[2181] But Elizabeth thinks on theirs, because they had a situation with these rats.

[2182] Okay.

[2183] And the man, like, caught two rats.

[2184] And she thinks they were put in the trash.

[2185] Oh, which seems...

[2186] Could be.

[2187] I think it's normal.

[2188] We had them under our trash once.

[2189] Ew!

[2190] We have like the slide out.

[2191] And when we took them out to clean, we saw some hanging out underneath.

[2192] Sure.

[2193] All right, we got to clean this.

[2194] Well, there are flies.

[2195] There are going to be maggots.

[2196] Yeah.

[2197] Now, I will say this.

[2198] I just wish you guys...

[2199] Can I put a positive spin on the maggots?

[2200] You can try.

[2201] If they're on your body eating necrotic flesh, that's a good thing.

[2202] You want that necrotic flesh gone.

[2203] I don't know.

[2204] Yeah, so they can be a lifesaver.

[2205] Good for who, the necrotic flesh?

[2206] Well, they're good.

[2207] That's a dead guy.

[2208] The dead guy doesn't care.

[2209] No, because you know my most favorite medical story of the guy with the...

[2210] Oh, no. Why are you doing this?

[2211] I'm a similar one that I've heard from a nurse.

[2212] Yeah, yeah.

[2213] This is from an ER doctor at Cedars.

[2214] He had maggots in his dick.

[2215] Not on his dick on his under his balls.

[2216] Right.

[2217] Yeah, mine was a vagina maggot one.

[2218] Stop, you guys.

[2219] The whole thing sounds like maggot Beckett.

[2220] Maggot's Beckett, which is a turn on Silverstone.

[2221] And it's so weird to me that it's called that.

[2222] Why would they call it?

[2223] I know.

[2224] Anyway, I hate that.

[2225] And so I can't even say the word.

[2226] I can't.

[2227] I get it.

[2228] I really.

[2229] I want to point out something gross about it, but I don't think you can handle it.

[2230] Oh, my God.

[2231] Love's cry.

[2232] Well, just part of what makes the word maggot and see if I...

[2233] Part of what makes the word maggot grows is it kind of sounds like manas.

[2234] St. Max, don't want, I have to cut that.

[2235] And they kind of look like...

[2236] Stop it.

[2237] Manny's filled...

[2238] Don't...

[2239] Manny's organisms.

[2240] Oh, my God.

[2241] Oh, I hate you.

[2242] Okay.

[2243] I didn't bring up the M -A -Ward.

[2244] No, you were listening to your favorite.

[2245] Elizabeth and Andy.

[2246] But you brought up mayonnaise.

[2247] Right, but I didn't bring up the M -A -G.

[2248] Now you're smelling it now.

[2249] Well, you're starting to hurt yourself over there, so I've got to rein it in.

[2250] I feel really uncomfortable.

[2251] I feel like it's already September 18th.

[2252] And September 18th came early this year.

[2253] Hey, be careful.

[2254] I am.

[2255] I'm being careful.

[2256] Are you?

[2257] Yeah.

[2258] I don't think you are.

[2259] Trying to ride that line.

[2260] making you laugh and hurting my regular period and it's a hard it's a tough one with all the big old eggs up in there i'm sure 14 big boys up there that's more than a dozen they're not big right now they're regular size more than a baker's dozen even yeah but maybe next cycle maybe they'll be an next i don't have an extra one or something 20 what's in an outrageous amount um ideally you want between like one you want like 25 25 it's really hard like that's very hard like that's very hard Yeah, but...

[2261] That's what an 18 -year -old has?

[2262] Maybe.

[2263] 13?

[2264] I don't know because maybe 13.

[2265] Well, I don't want to shame anyone if they're 18 and they get their checked and it's for real because it makes you feel really inadequate.

[2266] Right, like you're not fertile.

[2267] Yeah, and that you're not performing like a woman's supposed to body's person.

[2268] Same, same with boys in their sperm cow.

[2269] I told you, I tried to sell my sperm at UCLA.

[2270] I needed some money and there was always ads in the Daily Brewing.

[2271] Bree looked into maybe selling some eggs.

[2272] And I went down there to the clinic and I went down there to the clinic and I, you know, I relieve myself there, as you are instructed to do.

[2273] Yeah.

[2274] And then they call and tell you whether they want it.

[2275] And they said, hmm, these average sperm count.

[2276] You need an elevated sperm count to be a donor, which is kind of a blessing.

[2277] I don't want my kids out there.

[2278] Now, yeah, now I might be curious.

[2279] Would you?

[2280] Do you think you'd go find them?

[2281] Now that I have two children, absolutely.

[2282] You would?

[2283] Yes, I definitely would.

[2284] But when I was 21 years old, I didn't.

[2285] I didn't think I didn't give a shit.

[2286] Do you think you'd walk around the city and just be looking at like everyone around that age, like 12?

[2287] Let me see that cowlick.

[2288] Yeah.

[2289] Let me see that cowlick.

[2290] Where's your birth marks?

[2291] Show me your body.

[2292] Every time you're out of a restaurant.

[2293] Let me examine your body.

[2294] Ew.

[2295] Your toe weird?

[2296] Yeah, you look at their toes or hair.

[2297] Well, what would be interesting is that because, you know, I have a couple of deformities that are identical to my father's, which is so weird.

[2298] But that's because you said the knuckle, But you punched someone for that.

[2299] Yes, and he got in a car accident.

[2300] But that was weird.

[2301] We both were missing the same knuckle.

[2302] Then we both broke the same collarbone and then had to have surgery.

[2303] Our hands look identical.

[2304] Shoulders, when I tell you, sometimes I touch my cheek on my shoulders, I feel like I have my head on my dad's shoulder.

[2305] That's really cute.

[2306] The skin feels identical, same freckles.

[2307] So I think I could identify a young shepherd.

[2308] Yeah.

[2309] But what if it's a girl?

[2310] You're not as used to.

[2311] I go, you look just like Lincoln.

[2312] get in the car.

[2313] Oh, my God.

[2314] You're going to steal her?

[2315] No one's going to say, I'm your dad.

[2316] You're my baby.

[2317] I'm your dad.

[2318] Get in the car.

[2319] At this point, 2000, child would be 22 years old.

[2320] Exactly.

[2321] So you wouldn't really know because.

[2322] Hey, hey, co -ed, get in my car.

[2323] I'm your dad.

[2324] Or maybe.

[2325] I was going to say they'd look like Carly, but that's not.

[2326] What, maybe, because your mom's jeans are in there.

[2327] That's right.

[2328] Half of Carly is my mother.

[2329] Half of me is my mother.

[2330] But Carly looks like a hatter and I look like a shepherd.

[2331] Neither of us look like Labos too much, which is my mother's.

[2332] What are you doing?

[2333] I know, so loud, right?

[2334] He's clicking away.

[2335] I'm trying to wait for a good moment.

[2336] A little further away from the microphone is something I might suggest.

[2337] Well, then I can't see you when you're going to have a good break.

[2338] Okay.

[2339] No. You look like your mom a little bit.

[2340] Probably.

[2341] Everyone looks like their mom a little bit.

[2342] It's just when your story is one thing.

[2343] Exactly.

[2344] You know, you can't, you can't see anything to the contrary.

[2345] So the, I look like my dad, you know.

[2346] Okay, but or you could, same everything.

[2347] Yeah, but you also look a little bit like your mom.

[2348] Yeah, just like her.

[2349] Olive skin, short, green eyes.

[2350] No, that's so superficial.

[2351] Oh, my God.

[2352] No, features wise.

[2353] When, like, you guys are next to each other, it doesn't look like how could that be her.

[2354] Yeah.

[2355] Right.

[2356] Like her kid.

[2357] Yeah.

[2358] But if you saw me next to my dad, it was kind of uncanny.

[2359] I saw you.

[2360] I hung out with you and your dad.

[2361] I saw a picture once.

[2362] You know, the thing that blows my mind now is, oh, God.

[2363] Occasionally, I would go snuggle him, right?

[2364] He would want me to snuggle it when I was a teenager.

[2365] Or I would go in there and he'd be asleep.

[2366] Whatever.

[2367] The case is I know exactly how he slept.

[2368] And he always, always slept on his left side with his left arm out, raised up on one of another pillow.

[2369] Oh, okay.

[2370] Yeah.

[2371] And I was so aware of it because he was such a big man. He was like slept like a little baby on the side, you know, his arm out.

[2372] And although I didn't in my youth, now my signature sleep move is that.

[2373] Really?

[2374] Yeah.

[2375] Like definitely when I'm trying to fall asleep, what I do is left side, left arm out.

[2376] my knees are at a certain and I'm like in that position I'm like this is exactly your dad's position it's crazy to think I'm a genetic stuff yes and it could be subconscious chicken or the egg it's like you you have that image in your head of that's the model of a man's sleeper but here's what's crazy too I was like connecting those dots and I was remembering papa bob slept the exact same way Right.

[2377] He'd take his, he'd go read, quote, read in the afternoon.

[2378] He'd like to read from his novel on a Saturday.

[2379] Yeah.

[2380] It was really, it was a nap.

[2381] Oh.

[2382] And we'd always catch them and he'd be in that position.

[2383] Right.

[2384] And I was, I mean, I know what you're saying, but at the same time, A, I only lived with them for two years of my life.

[2385] I know.

[2386] And B, I was trying to be the opposite in there.

[2387] I know.

[2388] And then my hand turned out the same way.

[2389] I still think it's, I still think it.

[2390] could be...

[2391] The thing about your Papa Bob, it reinforces your idea and mine.

[2392] Okay.

[2393] That, like, what you saw now twice in two different men in your family, I feel like it could have just got embedded that, like, this is...

[2394] Because one...

[2395] We don't know.

[2396] We'll never know.

[2397] I did see my Papa Bob's penis, though.

[2398] How similar to yours, was it?

[2399] It was very similar.

[2400] Yeah.

[2401] As I grew up.

[2402] Did you see your dad?

[2403] But I don't think it's...

[2404] Oh, God.

[2405] too often.

[2406] So was that similar?

[2407] Yeah, yeah, identical.

[2408] Okay, that's, okay, first of all, yeah, that can't be nurture.

[2409] That's your anatomy, but this sleep is much different.

[2410] I think you might have a genetic predisposition for how you sleep.

[2411] That's what I'm now coming to terms with.

[2412] Also, you know, the other thing, the rubbing the finger thing is, I've already told you about that.

[2413] I know, and I think that's the same.

[2414] Hey, I don't know.

[2415] Because why wouldn't I do what my mom did?

[2416] Like, my mom has signature things too, but they just don't feel natural to me. Not everyone.

[2417] It just depends.

[2418] My mom would pet your ear gently.

[2419] Well, that's sweet.

[2420] It was lovely.

[2421] I don't know.

[2422] And I saw how she slept and I don't sleep like her.

[2423] Okay.

[2424] Listen, it's the male thing.

[2425] You're not considering.

[2426] I was trying to be like my mom.

[2427] No, you weren't.

[2428] You wanted to be a big boy.

[2429] My mom slept weird.

[2430] Or sleep.

[2431] I don't know if she still sleeps this way, but she would sleep with an arm over her face.

[2432] her face.

[2433] Do you find yourself doing that?

[2434] No. Tell my mom sleeps.

[2435] Because moms are like, I guess they feel like they want to just die at night.

[2436] No, they're just so tired of the day.

[2437] Did your dad snore?

[2438] Yeah.

[2439] Because I think my mom had the pillow to like block the snore.

[2440] Oh, God.

[2441] Moms have to deal with so much.

[2442] Poor moms.

[2443] It's funny you'd bring on Papa Bob though.

[2444] Or maybe I brought a Papa Bob.

[2445] He did.

[2446] His penis.

[2447] Right.

[2448] Monica brought up his penis.

[2449] I just brought up his penis.

[2450] Um, we were, I was laying with Lincoln last night before bed and she said, you're the nicest man I've ever met.

[2451] And I said, that's because you never met Papa Bob.

[2452] That's nice.

[2453] Yeah.

[2454] And I had the most warm puzzies thinking about them.

[2455] That's nice.

[2456] Oh, what a guy.

[2457] Grandpas are nice.

[2458] They're the best grandpapa's.

[2459] I waited too late.

[2460] I don't know if I'll get a turn as a grandpa.

[2461] Because we, I waited late.

[2462] But, no, let's just say I was 38 when Lincoln was born.

[2463] And if she waits until she's 50.

[2464] Okay.

[2465] Can you just please knock on one?

[2466] Okay.

[2467] Thank you.

[2468] Like, even if I live to be 90 or 100, I still might not be a crap.

[2469] Well, you might also might not because they might decide not to have children.

[2470] Like, we don't know any.

[2471] Also, very true.

[2472] And they could have them at 55.

[2473] Like, it's getting later and later.

[2474] I hope.

[2475] Or 22.

[2476] Or 18.

[2477] Or, exactly.

[2478] Also, no shame.

[2479] Like, if that happens great.

[2480] What part?

[2481] Any of it.

[2482] I can't remember what thing we said.

[2483] Any of it.

[2484] Waiting long, not having it.

[2485] Any of it.

[2486] everything's perfect i got poison monoxide you got carbon monoxide poisoning yes okay poison monoxide yeah you look great your skin looks great you should get more poison monoxide because it's you really arrive today looking fresh face and tons of eggs this is working for you oh my god what if i is estrogen what if i had 25 before the carbon monoxide well i don't think it wouldn't have been that quickly.

[2487] It can make them grow that quickly, but it kills cells.

[2488] But if it's cycle -based, you're just extracting them, right?

[2489] No, you don't understand.

[2490] You're not my OBG.

[2491] Wabi -WB -W.

[2492] You're my producer, not my OB.

[2493] I'm going home tomorrow.

[2494] Oh, yeah.

[2495] I'm going to see Aaron Weekly and Aaron Tyrell.

[2496] Fun.

[2497] To hold your enthusiasm.

[2498] Well, I'll miss you.

[2499] I'll miss you.

[2500] But isn't it fun?

[2501] I'm going to see Best Friend Aaron Weekly.

[2502] It's been a long time too long.

[2503] Yeah, why haven't they come visit?

[2504] Like, we were gone all summer virtually.

[2505] Yeah.

[2506] And now I'm going there.

[2507] All right.

[2508] And we're going to go film some stuff, which is funny.

[2509] I've never filmed anything with Aaron.

[2510] That'll be cute.

[2511] Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

[2512] For Ted Seegers.

[2513] Are you guys going to drink any?

[2514] Fuck you.

[2515] We're going to pound Seekers in some of these.

[2516] Oh, my God.

[2517] Because I've written little spots.

[2518] Oh, wow.

[2519] Mm -hmm.

[2520] Cute.

[2521] And they involve.

[2522] Some of them involve, like, shotgunning some Ted Seegers.

[2523] That's fun.

[2524] Yeah, yeah.

[2525] We're going up to Trevor City.

[2526] Like, right after I land, next morning, we'll drive up to northern Michigan to where the hops fields are.

[2527] Oh, cool.

[2528] Uh -huh.

[2529] And it's harvest time by pure luck.

[2530] Wow.

[2531] Yeah.

[2532] But I'll miss you.

[2533] I'll miss you.

[2534] Happy Labor Day.

[2535] Yeah.

[2536] You won't even be here for Labor Day.

[2537] Your favorite holiday.

[2538] Yeah.

[2539] It's your birthday holiday.

[2540] Oh, you might as well miss. Actually, um, tell me. Happy early birthday for tomorrow.

[2541] Oh, oh, yeah.

[2542] No cocaine, no alcohol.

[2543] No cocaine, no alcohol.

[2544] Congratulations.

[2545] Thank you.

[2546] How many years?

[2547] Unbelievable that I have not had alcohol 19 years.

[2548] That would be 19 years.

[2549] That's so cool.

[2550] Yeah.

[2551] I really, it's hard for me to believe.

[2552] Certainly if you would have told me in 2004, like you're going to go night you're not going to have a drink i would be like i don't know me yeah it doesn't see it's so funny because you know they say this in the book like you get relieved of the obsession which is totally true the first few years you're sober it's like you're so aware of like alcohol is everywhere you are never more than a hundred feet from alcohol anywhere in this country for sure and you can feel it when it first starts it's like fuck now i'm at this restaurant oh everyone's drinking there i'm at this pool everyone's drinking there oh there's a guy on the street drinking on the sidewalk.

[2553] There's a liquor store.

[2554] It's so ubiquitous.

[2555] Now I don't see any of it.

[2556] I haven't for decades, you know.

[2557] Wow.

[2558] 16 of those years, I finally stopped noticing it.

[2559] That's crazy.

[2560] Or I'll even, sometimes I'm like digging through the freezer and I'll discover, oh, there's a couple bottles of vodka in here.

[2561] I don't even know that that's in there.

[2562] I don't even see that.

[2563] I'm in it out of the freezer all the time.

[2564] I don't even see that.

[2565] But the first couple years I got sober, that's all I would have.

[2566] It's all I saw anywhere.

[2567] Yeah.

[2568] Wow.

[2569] Well, thank you.

[2570] Congratulations.

[2571] Thank you.

[2572] It's kind of a ding, ding, ding, because this is for Jake Johnson.

[2573] What a fun hang Jake Johnson is, isn't he?

[2574] Yeah, he's so fun.

[2575] And he was talking about his dad's chips.

[2576] Oh, right, right, right.

[2577] Okay, so I just picked a little bit of my toenail.

[2578] Like a bit of the paint?

[2579] The nail.

[2580] The nail itself, not a polish.

[2581] No. So just chunks of your nail are.

[2582] My toenail off.

[2583] There we go.

[2584] You tore it off.

[2585] Yeah.

[2586] It's not a scary one.

[2587] It's just like, oh, a piece of my nail just fell off.

[2588] No, I pulled it off.

[2589] Okay.

[2590] And I don't know where to put it without grossing you out.

[2591] Put it on top of the keggerator.

[2592] And then we'll get it later.

[2593] Okay.

[2594] You don't need to hold it for the next.

[2595] Well, I hope we don't forget.

[2596] And then when our next guess comes.

[2597] This could be, though.

[2598] Oh, is this a trick?

[2599] I think, like, we might have a guess, probably an NBA basketball player.

[2600] And they'll be talking, talking, talking.

[2601] And then all of a sudden they'll get distracted.

[2602] And then they'll, like, pick it up.

[2603] And then they'll go, they'll go.

[2604] And then they'll go, oh, my God, whose nail is this?

[2605] And it'll be a love star -cross lover connection.

[2606] Because it's like pheromones?

[2607] Uh -huh.

[2608] And it's a piece of you.

[2609] Oh, okay.

[2610] So that's kind of a lure.

[2611] Okay.

[2612] Mm -hmm.

[2613] I feel like it makes this place look really gross.

[2614] Well, certainly.

[2615] Before the NBA player.

[2616] eats it a lot of people are going to be like like accidentally see it and pretend like they didn't see it and be so grossed out and not be able to look at it a lot of the people that aren't in the market for a love connection are not going to like it okay would that where would we put is basketball player high on the list um I'm just observational data you've responded so favorably to yes most of the basketball players I do really like all the basketball players yeah every one of them um it's funny because I wouldn't say that you wouldn't have thought that i wouldn't have thought it yeah but i do in person like them things happen well they're so disciplined is that it yeah i that's what it is okay so you love like most of the mit math department and stuff no that's different it's a different kind of discipline it's a physical discipline okay there we i can relate okay i think there's a lot of things that they're confident very they're like some of the the most confident people we've interviewed have been these these basketball players yeah and not in a way that actors are confident because actors are often confident exactly actors are often it's a massed insecurity parading as confidence or arrogance absolutely but but the athletes have some quantifiable proof yeah they've all been like hall of famers too yeah that helps they're quite successful the actors have also been that's true there's been academy award winners and they're fucking insecure scared as a no I love scared you know I told I told Andy and Elizabeth about my proclivity which one about sickness oh good you shared that with them yeah I did they were perturbed like they hadn't heard it okay and if you guys forget right I used to fantasize yeah fantasize about little boys puking and you when I was a little girl yeah not me as a grown up fantasizing about little boys I was a little girl and I had fantasies of the boys in my like class yeah um getting sick puking and yeah and then you would care you would nurture them yeah yeah yeah and there and what was their reaction they were shocked and a little disgusted but intrigued they liked it it's incredibly intriguing yeah i loved it if you recall my first uh yeah you found it intriguing too yeah i like the whole thing And then on my birthday, they sent me a piece together image of like a man over the toilet and me there.

[2617] And it was a happy birthday message.

[2618] Like a Photoshop thing?

[2619] Yeah, I was hoping I had got it.

[2620] I think they said hoping you get everything you want this year.

[2621] Which was very funny.

[2622] That is funny.

[2623] Yeah, but yeah.

[2624] I don't know why I thought of that.

[2625] Oh, oh yeah, because weakness.

[2626] I like it.

[2627] I do like it.

[2628] What weakness?

[2629] Yeah.

[2630] No, I don't, you think so?

[2631] I think we've already, we've already unpacked this.

[2632] When we were talking about the basketball players, well, you would love it if they got sick.

[2633] Yeah, I'd love it.

[2634] But that's unrelated to confidence.

[2635] Confident people get sick.

[2636] Exactly.

[2637] In fact, confident people get sick more often because like me. They're stressed out.

[2638] No, they're brazen in their, what they'll eat.

[2639] Because they're so confident.

[2640] Oh, yeah.

[2641] If you recall, I was in a Kuwaiti.

[2642] True.

[2643] first class lounge, and I was pounding the salad bar.

[2644] And Cooper was saying, wow, you're going really hard on the salad bar.

[2645] So he was there when you were sick.

[2646] On the airplane.

[2647] Did he nurture you?

[2648] He made love to me, yeah.

[2649] Oh, my God.

[2650] He took me in his arms.

[2651] Wow, what was that like?

[2652] He said, we got to stop this puking.

[2653] I'm going to kiss you.

[2654] That's what I say.

[2655] Yeah.

[2656] We got to plug this up.

[2657] That's what I say in the fantasy.

[2658] Did he really nurture you or no?

[2659] No, no. He didn't.

[2660] He was not seeded next to me. Thank goodness.

[2661] Because I drove the person next to me crazy.

[2662] Remember I'm so mad at that person still.

[2663] It was like a fucking 11 -hour flight to Germany and I was in the inside seat.

[2664] Why didn't they switch with you?

[2665] Oh, my God.

[2666] Did you ask?

[2667] Yes.

[2668] And they said no. Yeah, they didn't want to sit by the window.

[2669] Oh, my God.

[2670] I had to climb over them because it was like lay down.

[2671] You should have puked in their lap.

[2672] There's a shit on their lap on their chest.

[2673] And then they had them.

[2674] Oh, they probably.

[2675] would have liked that.

[2676] I think Cooper would have got involved.

[2677] So he wasn't close by, so he couldn't nurture it.

[2678] He didn't really know what was going on.

[2679] When we landed in New York, he was, oh gosh, he would have known in Germany.

[2680] I think we flew to Germany and then we flew to New York.

[2681] He got off in New York.

[2682] And then I continued on to fucking L .A. Oh, my God.

[2683] I was in the airplane for 20 -some hours.

[2684] You should have just stayed in a hotel.

[2685] Ding, ding, ding.

[2686] That is the only time in 19 years that I almost drank.

[2687] Yeah.

[2688] Because I literally was like, I need some relief from this.

[2689] Which is also so funny and goes to show how much it's not about alcohol and it's just about relief.

[2690] Yeah.

[2691] Because no one with the healthy -ish relationship to alcohol wants to drink when they're sick.

[2692] As they're throwing up in diarrhea.

[2693] Yeah.

[2694] It's the, that's not, there's nothing that sounds worse.

[2695] Right, but to me, it was like, if I got drunk right now, that'd be some relief.

[2696] That was a real ding, ding, dang.

[2697] Came out of nowhere.

[2698] I just want to know.

[2699] Are you going to remove your entire toenail while we talk?

[2700] Now I'm on a call.

[2701] Okay.

[2702] I just want to add to the pile.

[2703] I noticed that callus when we were recording yesterday.

[2704] You did?

[2705] And I meant to ask you about it, but then I guess we went outside for photos.

[2706] Because I'm ugly.

[2707] No. But you have a callus, and that's from.

[2708] all that walking you did while.

[2709] No, I always have it.

[2710] That's the first time I've noticed that.

[2711] I know.

[2712] It's worse right now, and now I'm pulling all the skin off of it, so it's making a pile.

[2713] There's a nail and some skin.

[2714] May I want to leave one of your eggs behind.

[2715] Maybe the maggots will find it.

[2716] Oh, gosh.

[2717] It's a big mountain of...

[2718] Oh, God.

[2719] What did you think when you saw this callus?

[2720] Like, ooh, she's gotten gross.

[2721] No, I was just really curious.

[2722] I was like was that a blister that has popped and now the skin's there or is it, you know, what's going on?

[2723] What do we got?

[2724] I want to cut it off.

[2725] You know, it's funny.

[2726] Ding, ding, ding.

[2727] My dad has one.

[2728] He does.

[2729] Well, that's we, you interrupted me. But I was going to say, yeah, you probably don't sleep like your mom.

[2730] I bet you sleep like your dad.

[2731] I don't think so.

[2732] Have your mom take some pictures of him tonight while he's asleep and look at his posture and see if that's how you, I bet you.

[2733] I bet you.

[2734] I really don't think so.

[2735] In five hours.

[2736] I sleep all crazy.

[2737] I like...

[2738] I bet he does too.

[2739] No, he doesn't.

[2740] We've all been in a hotel room.

[2741] I don't...

[2742] I don't know, actually.

[2743] You're both snorers, right?

[2744] No. I don't know.

[2745] God.

[2746] I'm always paranoid about that, though.

[2747] I just want to know if when you were sick on the plane and you're getting up and you're like holding your...

[2748] Like, how did it look like?

[2749] like were you like running or did you tell no because you know you know like or at least i know 20 seconds out like it's starting to turn it's starting to turn oh my god i'm gonna i'm gonna throw up again i'm gonna throw you know you know that feeling for a bit so i was ahead of it always i didn't have any accidents in my shorts or you didn't know do you think he was like in the like he was behind you and he was like what is this is this you already know this part of the story but it feels like it has to be said, even though it's already been such a gross fact check between the maggots and the nails and the skin and the meat, my food poisoning.

[2750] But if you recall, I sat down in my seat before we had taken off and I felt some gas.

[2751] And I cracked just the tiniest squeak of the Coke bottle, yep.

[2752] It was just a whisper of a tooth.

[2753] Like, truly 1 % of what was there.

[2754] Yeah.

[2755] In the 1 % I knew immediately I had food poisoning.

[2756] Yeah.

[2757] And I'm sure my teammate did too.

[2758] I don't think anything was a secret.

[2759] And yet the person didn't switch.

[2760] That's so mean.

[2761] Yeah.

[2762] International travel.

[2763] You never know what you're going to get.

[2764] You're in different cultures.

[2765] Right.

[2766] You don't know what protocol is.

[2767] I guess I just wonder if he was like, what is going on with Dax.

[2768] Does he need some nurturing?

[2769] No. There is no. Does he need me to like rub his back?

[2770] The only other explanation would have been I'm doing an eight ball of Coke on this flight.

[2771] Because I, why else would I be in the bathroom every 15 minutes?

[2772] Right.

[2773] And then come back with white skin.

[2774] Why didn't he pat my back?

[2775] I'm like, play with your hair and stuff.

[2776] That's a big misopportunity for him.

[2777] people don't understand he didn't know he didn't know okay well people don't know you don't know you don't know but he did know he knew i was sick there's no way he didn't notice you up and down a ton i know this assholes having cocktails and eating dinner and shit oh he was yes it sounds fun for him 11 12 hour maybe it's not i don't i don't want to say it's an 11 hour flight i actually don't know what it is It was a long flight.

[2778] It about like three flights to L .A. from New York, basically.

[2779] Okay.

[2780] All right.

[2781] Well, so the director.

[2782] Well, you'll look up flight time from Frankfurt to Kuwait, just out of curiosity.

[2783] I bet I'm way out.

[2784] 45 minutes.

[2785] I bet it's more like five and a half or six.

[2786] Five and a half.

[2787] Okay.

[2788] But then Germany did.

[2789] She said 12.

[2790] I did.

[2791] You know what I was doing subconsciously is I was adding.

[2792] Because Germany to New York is another six.

[2793] The whole thing.

[2794] Kuwait to New York was 11.

[2795] And then I had five to L .A. The director of Sunset Boulevard is Billy Wilder.

[2796] Oh, that is who the story is about.

[2797] Is it?

[2798] Yep.

[2799] Okay.

[2800] That's absolutely it.

[2801] Now, the Gracie family is a big jiu -jitsu family.

[2802] Horian, Hicks, voice.

[2803] I'm going to read some of this stuff.

[2804] Okay.

[2805] Grandfather has a world.

[2806] record for the longest fight.

[2807] Oh, yeah, well, I wanted to read some stuff.

[2808] Okay, read them so.

[2809] Um, I don't want to read any of this.

[2810] You don't want to.

[2811] No. I don't.

[2812] Gestau?

[2813] I just don't know how to pronounce anything.

[2814] Oh, it's so hard because even hoist, Gracie is spelled R -O -Y -C -E, hoist.

[2815] Because they speak Portuguese in Brazil.

[2816] Right, they do.

[2817] Okay, let me do family treat.

[2818] Oh, great.

[2819] What is the, what?

[2820] woman's name, who is doing?

[2821] Cecilina.

[2822] Okay, Cecilina.

[2823] Let me find Cecilina on here.

[2824] Cecilina.

[2825] I believe is the granddaughter of Gostow.

[2826] Gistow has George and Helena.

[2827] Nope, you've been duped.

[2828] Okay.

[2829] You've been duped.

[2830] This is not updated then.

[2831] It's not helping.

[2832] It's not helping.

[2833] It doesn't have Cecilina on here.

[2834] She should complain I don't know how to spell that name I wouldn't even know where to begin C -E -S -A Yeah I would I would imagine it To be C But it's not on this tree Is she older No she's young She's funny Maybe there's like a Her mom's name There's another family member Name Cessalina There's a Cessalina in this family tree That has eight children Wait where Who's kid Helio Gracie The youngest son of Gustav and Cessalina the Gracie's eight children.

[2835] Wait, I don't see.

[2836] This is a different.

[2837] I'm, you're not on Wikipedia.

[2838] No, yeah.

[2839] Oh, you can't do that because that's made up to make it look like she's real.

[2840] Hmm.

[2841] Fair.

[2842] Is it at cecilina .com?

[2843] At gracie madison .com.

[2844] Okay.

[2845] Well, anywho, that got us nowhere.

[2846] But it's really cool that everyone's doing jujitsu, all these daughters.

[2847] It is.

[2848] And do you care why it's even popular here in the U .S.?

[2849] it's kind of a fun history sure um hoist's brother founded the ufc with another guy or it could be two other people actually and they sent promoter art davy yep and then they they sent hoist to fight in it even though he wasn't the toughest of the graces and the original ufc you fought all day long It was an elimination day and you would have like three or four fights and everyone he fought was so much bigger than him.

[2850] It was crazy.

[2851] He was like 170 pounds in six, two or three.

[2852] And he was undefeated.

[2853] He beat dozens of people over the first three or four UFCs and the whole world went, whoa, Brazilian jiu -jitsu is the thing.

[2854] Look at this small man beating all these huge people from every different discipline.

[2855] and then they came here, the family, and they opened up tons of schools around California.

[2856] Yeah, it's very cool.

[2857] It is.

[2858] And the granddad has, I think he is the world record for the longest fought.

[2859] He fought someone for like 23 hours.

[2860] Carlos has 21 children and 106 grandchildren.

[2861] So that's probably why you're not fighting.

[2862] 128 great grandchildren.

[2863] Whoa.

[2864] Oh, my God.

[2865] What a family reunion.

[2866] A bunch of people grappling all over the place.

[2867] That'd be fun for you.

[2868] I'd be scared.

[2869] Okay.

[2870] So how much currently has the Barbie movie made?

[2871] Worldwide.

[2872] Okay.

[2873] 1 .34 billion.

[2874] Wow.

[2875] Domestic, 537 million.

[2876] Wow.

[2877] Making it the highest grossing domestic movie in Warner Brothers.

[2878] More than any of the Harry Potter's.

[2879] It says Barbie beats Batman, becomes Warner Brothers' highest grossing domestic release.

[2880] Oh, domestic release.

[2881] Yeah, domestic.

[2882] Yeah, that's awesome.

[2883] It deserves it.

[2884] Yeah.

[2885] I'm going to go again.

[2886] You are?

[2887] Oh, yeah.

[2888] I want to go again, for sure.

[2889] Aubur Labor Day?

[2890] No, no, no, no. They're a very limited time frame back in Michigan.

[2891] Okay, so he said, he said, it was funny, he was talking about kids, and he said that he was a blockhead.

[2892] Mm -hmm.

[2893] And I felt like, is that offensive?

[2894] Like, what is the origin of that?

[2895] That's what Charlie Brown is.

[2896] He's a blockhead?

[2897] Yeah, they call Charlie Brown or Blockhead.

[2898] Yeah, yeah.

[2899] Well, I looked up what it means.

[2900] Okay, great.

[2901] Origin.

[2902] Stupid person.

[2903] 15.

[2904] Stupid.

[2905] It says it.

[2906] It says, quote, stupid person.

[2907] 1540s from Blockhead, probably originally an image of the head -shaped oaken block used by hat makers.

[2908] I got it because it was a head with no brain.

[2909] Oh, I like it.

[2910] Empty head.

[2911] It's smart.

[2912] Unlike block.

[2913] Unlike block.

[2914] And like Charlie Brown and our guest.

[2915] Okay, I have a list if we want.

[2916] A block famous blockheads?

[2917] Oh my gosh.

[2918] No. 22 all -time great directors and their final films.

[2919] Where does this come from?

[2920] Because Sunset Boulevard guy.

[2921] Oh, okay.

[2922] I should have done that.

[2923] Billy Wilder.

[2924] Yeah, Billy Wilder, because he was working on that movie for his whole life, basically.

[2925] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2926] So wait, what's this category?

[2927] Okay, this list is the.

[2928] 22 all -time great directors in their final films.

[2929] Okay.

[2930] Okay.

[2931] Alfred Hitchcock.

[2932] What's his last movie you're asking?

[2933] Family plot.

[2934] I never even heard of that one.

[2935] Me either.

[2936] That's probably why he died.

[2937] You know what's really sad?

[2938] This is going to be a sad list.

[2939] We don't have to do it.

[2940] Directors movies at the end of their career are never their best.

[2941] Oh.

[2942] Right?

[2943] The only person that may achieve this is Tarantino.

[2944] Because he's going to do his last movie.

[2945] Oh, right.

[2946] You know, semi -soon, I guess.

[2947] Right, like he's going to retire, not just keep going until - Right.

[2948] Okay, yeah, because, okay, John Ford's seven women, Ingmar Bergman, Sarah, Band, Frederico Fellini, the Voice of the Moon.

[2949] Okay, hold on.

[2950] Let me just see if there's any movies I recognize on here.

[2951] Oh, Billy Wilder's on here.

[2952] Buddy Buddy.

[2953] Okay.

[2954] John Houston.

[2955] Love John Houston.

[2956] The dead.

[2957] Is that a movie that you know?

[2958] I don't know it.

[2959] Okay.

[2960] I think it's just demonstrating what I'm suggesting.

[2961] Charlie Chaplin, account is from Hong Kong.

[2962] Accountants from Hong Kong?

[2963] Accountess.

[2964] Oh, okay.

[2965] Robert Altman, a Prairie Home Companion.

[2966] I do know that movie.

[2967] I know it too.

[2968] It might not be his best movie.

[2969] I hate to tell you some stuff about that movie, but.

[2970] What?

[2971] It was racist.

[2972] I don't think I should say this.

[2973] What?

[2974] I'm going to tell you this off.

[2975] Yeah.

[2976] off mic.

[2977] So Maya was in that.

[2978] And Paul Thomas Anderson, who of course loves Robert Altman, as every director did, he was there.

[2979] It says that here.

[2980] Oh, it does.

[2981] Yeah.

[2982] Oh, then I can say that out loud.

[2983] Yeah, it says 80 years old in suffering from leukemia was asked to pick out a standby replacement and his friend Paul Thomas Anderson happily stepped up.

[2984] Right.

[2985] So that one's a little hard to evaluate.

[2986] Fortunately, it never came to that.

[2987] Altman was able to complete his film, but he obviously helped.

[2988] Okay.

[2989] Yeah, you're right.

[2990] I don't, that's the only one I know on this list, but I don't know a lot of stuff.

[2991] Like old Hollywood.

[2992] Yeah.

[2993] Well, you were trying to be on a sitcom.

[2994] We just figured this out.

[2995] No, no. I mean, I was for a while, like once I got into Goodwill Hunting, then I did really.

[2996] Get into directors?

[2997] Get into movies, but not old movies, big movies.

[2998] Uh -huh.

[2999] Or Zike Ice movie.

[3000] But I never was into.

[3001] interested in, like, yeah, Hitchcock or classics.

[3002] I was never interested in classics.

[3003] I'm not classic.

[3004] You're kind of classic.

[3005] No, because I'm brown.

[3006] Timeless.

[3007] Well, you're the original people are brown, so that's the most classic you can get.

[3008] Yeah, we all come from Africa, and it wasn't white people leaving Africa.

[3009] Well, that's true, but everyone was white in all these old movies.

[3010] Mostly, yeah.

[3011] But I just, I was never drawn to that.

[3012] Right.

[3013] Sure.

[3014] I think there's some gender element to it, I think.

[3015] Like, in Hollywood, boys seem to be like directors and all the directors are male and this person's a genius.

[3016] And there's something, I don't know, it feels like it overindexes males being super obsessed with directors.

[3017] Well, I guess because of the joke in fucking Barbie about explaining the godfather to women.

[3018] Yeah, exactly.

[3019] Boys like the godfather.

[3020] They like Coppola.

[3021] Right.

[3022] And I do think you're right.

[3023] I think so much of that has to do with them being all men.

[3024] Yeah, it's aspirational.

[3025] Right, and women didn't really have that to, like, look towards.

[3026] But also, like, in film school, I'm trying to think, like, Callie liked a lot of that stuff because she was in, she was a film major.

[3027] Yeah.

[3028] But in film class, for me, I didn't, I was not drawn to the old movies.

[3029] I liked Amelie.

[3030] That's a great movie.

[3031] It's not very old, but it's a great movie.

[3032] Not old at all.

[3033] Yeah, the 90s?

[3034] Probably, maybe, 2001.

[3035] God, you're a quick one.

[3036] I like Domali quite a bit, too.

[3037] Yeah, great movie.

[3038] I like that name.

[3039] Yeah, it's beautiful.

[3040] Should I name my...

[3041] Self -omily?

[3042] My dog, my unborn dog, Omelie.

[3043] I'll name one of my eggs.

[3044] Omelie Padman is nice.

[3045] God, it doesn't really go, does it?

[3046] It does, Amelie Padman?

[3047] Do you think so?

[3048] Absolutely, because then you start thinking like, oh, is that an Indian name?

[3049] It kind of like...

[3050] Oh, yeah.

[3051] Yeah.

[3052] Like, we, we, of course, think of it as French because we know Amelie.

[3053] Right.

[3054] But Amelie is not a common name.

[3055] It could be Indian.

[3056] That's right.

[3057] That's exactly right.

[3058] Because it's certainly not British.

[3059] We had a guest on yesterday, an upcoming Thursday.

[3060] That was a, it was a very personal story about a person.

[3061] Mm -hmm.

[3062] And she's Indian.

[3063] Mm -hmm.

[3064] And I was really thinking about it a lot yesterday.

[3065] Where are you?

[3066] Yeah.

[3067] We'll think about Neil.

[3068] Yeah, and my dad and, like, it's just really sad.

[3069] Yeah.

[3070] Really, really, really sad.

[3071] Yeah.

[3072] There's some sad stuff coming up, guys.

[3073] Easter egg.

[3074] Not all these things are parties, you know?

[3075] Well, that's life.

[3076] That's right.

[3077] I try to remind you that life is sad sometimes.

[3078] Okay, you're having too good of a weekend or something.

[3079] Let's remember tragedies all around you.

[3080] They can happen in any moment.

[3081] Not going to live.

[3082] I'm not going to look.

[3083] Okay.

[3084] Hey, congrats on your eggs.

[3085] Congrats on your sobriety.

[3086] Thank you.

[3087] Oh, my God, it was almost, if you would have had 19 eggs.

[3088] Oh, that would have felt very.

[3089] I did before my poison monoxide.

[3090] Oh, fuck, that might have been the number.

[3091] Yeah.

[3092] I hope you have a great trip, Labor Day trip.

[3093] Thank you.

[3094] I'm very much looking forward to being in Michigan for some lake swimming.

[3095] Fun.

[3096] Some Ted Seeger's guzzling.

[3097] I'm really looking forward to it.

[3098] It'll be fun.

[3099] Okay.

[3100] All right.

[3101] Happy Labor Day.

[3102] You too.