Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit teamcoco .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hi there, Maureen, meet Kona and Sonan.
[5] Wait a minute.
[6] What the hell was that?
[7] Oh my God, Matt.
[8] Matt, what happened?
[9] I think because we were talking and she showed up and I just had to switch midstream and I couldn't do it.
[10] Oh, Matt.
[11] Wow, yeah.
[12] Amazing.
[13] We never know when the guest is going to pop in, so we were just chatting and clearly Matt lost his mind.
[14] Let me handle this.
[15] Maureen, it's very nice to meet you.
[16] Hi, nice to meet you guys too.
[17] And there's so much to talk about.
[18] I'm just getting the visual.
[19] Let me explain to our listeners that you seem to be in a room that looks very rustic.
[20] It looks like it's made of a lot of pine.
[21] and then behind you looks like lots of feathers, animal bones, I see.
[22] Not even just behind you, it's in your hair.
[23] And then you've got something in your hair.
[24] I couldn't tell if those are feathers or what's going on.
[25] Maureen, the visual demands an explanation.
[26] So please tell us, where are you?
[27] First of all, you're coming to us from which part of the world?
[28] Spring Arbor, Michigan.
[29] Spring Arbor, Michigan.
[30] Yep.
[31] And are you in a cabin or a rural area?
[32] I am in a rural area.
[33] We just got internet out here.
[34] Hey.
[35] Yeah.
[36] For real?
[37] For real?
[38] Yeah.
[39] Whoa.
[40] Yeah, it's a real shit show.
[41] And...
[42] Are you okay?
[43] Do you need help?
[44] Yeah.
[45] Well, I hear all these NPR stories about these people who don't have internet and I'm those people.
[46] Yeah.
[47] But you know what?
[48] I mean, there's an upside to it.
[49] I mean, I don't know that Thoreau was quite happy when he walked away from the world.
[50] It, for a lot of people, swear by it.
[51] And so you may decide after checking out our podcast and talking to us that you don't want internet anymore.
[52] I started doing some really weird shit when I didn't have internet.
[53] Exhibits A, B, and C, so I don't know.
[54] Well, tell us, I'm curious what's going on behind you.
[55] What is it that you do?
[56] What it, what, these bones I see behind you.
[57] And it looks like, I don't know, eagle feathers and, and.
[58] Nope, that's illegal.
[59] Oh, did I say eagle feathers?
[60] I meant, say it.
[61] You just can't have them.
[62] Yeah.
[63] So those are not eagle feathers.
[64] I will point out to people.
[65] You're not going around killing eagles.
[66] Good.
[67] Well, tell us, what is it, what do you do?
[68] So I work for a taxidermist.
[69] Oh!
[70] That makes sense.
[71] Yeah.
[72] And the feathers you see behind me, that's my former best friend, Peewee, that my mom ran over, and I didn't want to say goodbye.
[73] And so I taxidermied him with my boss.
[74] Wait.
[75] Just what was Peewee?
[76] Peewee was a person.
[77] Peacock.
[78] Okay.
[79] Oh, God.
[80] Okay.
[81] Okay, I thought you ran over your friend, Peewee.
[82] And he happened to, yeah, and he happened to be wearing an exotic coat when you ran into him.
[83] Ooh, very fancy.
[84] No, so you're, so that's a peacock behind you that's been taxidermied.
[85] Your mother, how do you accidentally run over the most visible animal in the world?
[86] I mean, it's like, peacock.
[87] Walking traffic signal.
[88] Yeah, it's, it's insane.
[89] You can't, oh, I didn't see that peacock.
[90] Well, she claimed she didn't, but.
[91] So he really hated her.
[92] I think he could sense that I loved her.
[93] Wait, you suspect foul play?
[94] No, not on her part.
[95] In her defense.
[96] Wait, who hated who?
[97] The peacock hated your mother?
[98] Peewee hated my mom and my husband.
[99] And how did this manifest itself?
[100] Did he attack them or was it mostly threatening letters?
[101] No, it was.
[102] He attacked.
[103] Dear sir.
[104] written with my own plumage quills.
[105] So wait, so.
[106] He wrote it with this.
[107] These are his feet, right here.
[108] Oh, my God.
[109] Maureen is now holding up some taxidermied peacock feet.
[110] I'm really worried when your husband passes away.
[111] He'll be made into a coffee table.
[112] Hey, his feet could be doorstoppers.
[113] Yeah.
[114] I'm just saying.
[115] What better way to hold a door?
[116] That's a great idea.
[117] Deceased husband's petrified feet.
[118] So anyway, you suspect that maybe the bird attacked your mother.
[119] Well, I watched it and heard it.
[120] You watched it.
[121] Yeah, it was terrible.
[122] I drank for weeks.
[123] How old were you?
[124] It was just a year ago last week.
[125] Oh.
[126] Yeah.
[127] I'm sober now, so it's cool.
[128] But it was very traumatic.
[129] It was awful.
[130] I'm all joking aside.
[131] I'm sorry, I mean, seeing an animal that you love get killed is got to be traumatic.
[132] My daughter saw it, her friend saw it.
[133] It was bad.
[134] Oh, boy.
[135] So then, but then you taxidermied, you know, that's got to be, isn't that emotionally difficult to taxidermy an animal that you have a connection with?
[136] So for some reason, so that's why I started doing it because I don't deal with death well.
[137] So I, like, I just can't let them go and having.
[138] them around.
[139] I know they're not literally still in there, but having their body still around helps me deal with it.
[140] And so, you know, when I taxidermium, they're still with me. And I don't know.
[141] I think there's, no, I understand that.
[142] And I'm sure that's, that's been, no, but I do.
[143] I, that's actually been, I mean, historically, that's all throughout mankind is trying to figure out.
[144] ways to keep people with us, and loved ones with us.
[145] I mean, the Egyptians did that.
[146] I think the Egyptians not only mummified their rulers and the wealthy, but they also mummified, I believe, cats.
[147] Yeah, they did.
[148] Yeah.
[149] So, and they were right about just about everything.
[150] I mean, we all live in pyramids now.
[151] Right.
[152] So, but I'm curious, this, what, who taught you?
[153] you had a taxidermy.
[154] Is it a hard thing to learn?
[155] Oh, I mean, I'm still learning and just today at work my boss, so my boss's name is Mark Ditzel and he is Ted Nugent's taxidermist and I love that, wait a minute, you can't just toss off a sentence like that.
[156] You can't just say, of course, and we all know he's Ted Nugent's taxidermist.
[157] Right.
[158] I mean, these are normal things, right?
[159] Yeah.
[160] Yeah.
[161] So wait, so I know that Ted Nugent is a big, big into hunting.
[162] Yeah.
[163] And is an avid hunter and uses a crossbow.
[164] So what is he taxidermying?
[165] Like mostly, what is Ted Nugent killing with a crossbow that you can taxidermy?
[166] And that you can talk about.
[167] Yeah.
[168] Well, I mean, he kills everything, right?
[169] Yeah.
[170] Yeah.
[171] So, I mean, White Tail, Deer, I think that's probably his favorite thing.
[172] But once you're Taxidermy 1, why do you need more?
[173] That's a good question, Conan.
[174] That's an excellent question.
[175] I will say in Ted Nugent's defense, and you're not going to hear anyone say that these days.
[176] But I shot a remote that Ted Nugent was in many, many, many, many years ago.
[177] And he was very nice to me. he, I saw his operation and he eats, at the time anyway, he consumes all the meat of any, of the, of any deer, he eat, if he kills the deer, he does it in the most humane way possible and then he eats all the meat and the meat that he, at least he was doing this at the time, the meat, the extra meat, he froze and donated to homeless shelters.
[178] Yes, which I thought was cool.
[179] Still does it.
[180] Yep.
[181] Yeah.
[182] Yeah.
[183] So, I mean, I know that there's.
[184] There's some political stuff.
[185] I'm not down with, but, you know, it is what it is, whatever.
[186] Yeah, there are people that Ted Nugent probably wants to have taxidermied because of their political views.
[187] That's not cool.
[188] But, so anyway, I don't know what's involved in taxidermying.
[189] Is it unpleasant work?
[190] Is there an odor when you're boiling down an animal, whatever it is you do?
[191] Do you boil them down?
[192] Do you put them in a pot?
[193] happens.
[194] I have no idea.
[195] I'm being honest.
[196] I don't know.
[197] Oh.
[198] So, um, so I don't have, I don't have a sense of smell.
[199] Um, oh, yeah, I lost it.
[200] I had a concussion when I was 13 and lost my sense of taste and smell permanently.
[201] So, oh my God.
[202] No, it's really helpful because my shit don't stink and nobody else's shit stinks.
[203] So, you know, it's great.
[204] And, uh, yeah, You can eat at any fast food.
[205] You can go to a Long John Silver's and have a perfectly enjoyable time.
[206] That is totally right.
[207] uh...
[208] Hey, I'll have more of these fish sticks.
[209] Yep.
[210] And I'm just going to finish eating them in the women's room.
[211] Yep.
[212] So, so when you're, when you're, there is probably an odor.
[213] I'm sure there is and a lot of, like, I work with, I work with, I work with, with two marks, my boss, and then the other mark.
[214] And the other mark, sometimes he's like, oh, gosh, and he'll get like a little nauseous over smells.
[215] And I just don't.
[216] Doesn't bother you.
[217] I can't smell anything.
[218] So I started off boiling heads because that's the grossest thing to get the meat off because you do, when you're doing, they're called European mounts and it's just the skull.
[219] And that's probably the worst smell because it's, you know, flesh and all the, all the, all when the fur is boiling off, yeah, doesn't bug me. I don't, you know, like one time I was boiling a zebra skull and I even tried some of the meat because I'm like, that looks really good.
[220] And it was not delicious.
[221] But I thought I'd try it.
[222] I'm so glad you said that because I was going to have zebra for lunch.
[223] Yeah, it wasn't good.
[224] I was weighing whether or not it was going to.
[225] You got to try it.
[226] I was going to have postmates deliver it, but now I'm not going to order it.
[227] Yeah, don't bother.
[228] So wait, I just love, I mean, first of all, you have the best sentences.
[229] You'll say things like, well, of course, my friend, who we all know is Ted Nugent's taxidermist, or...
[230] Yeah, that's never been said in human existence before.
[231] Yeah, the other day, I'm boiling a zebra's head.
[232] Who says that?
[233] That's crazy.
[234] And then you actually, you grabbed a piece of flesh and popped it in your mouth.
[235] Out of the boiling terene of boiling zebra head, you just grabbed some pulled zebra or how did that work?
[236] Yeah, I cut a piece off with my scalpel and just, you know.
[237] I would totally do that.
[238] Yeah.
[239] Yeah, right?
[240] Wait a minute.
[241] Thank you.
[242] Wait a minute.
[243] A second ago, Sona, a second ago, you were covering your mouth of all of us who were the most squeamish.
[244] And now you're saying, oh, I grabbed some of that zebra jerky.
[245] I will be like, oh, this is really gross.
[246] It smells terrible.
[247] But I could eat a little bit at this.
[248] I would.
[249] Yeah.
[250] Yeah, Sona, I could, I believe you.
[251] I do believe you.
[252] And what if I'm never by a zebra head again and never get that opportunity?
[253] You will be.
[254] Don't worry.
[255] Yeah.
[256] Maureen, don't worry about that.
[257] Matt's right.
[258] If I'm never around a zebra head tomorrow.
[259] Cut to next Thursday.
[260] Whoa.
[261] Three zebra heads boiling in my kitchen.
[262] Oh, I can't do that in the kitchen anymore.
[263] My husband won't let me. He's right.
[264] He has a sense of smell.
[265] Matt's, he's right.
[266] I know what's weird is if you come into your kids, kitchen, you just never know.
[267] Because either you're making up a delicious beef stew or you've got an armadillo that you're melting.
[268] And who knows?
[269] You can't just, you can't just dip a, I would not just dip a spoon into any pot on your stove.
[270] I would ask a lot of questions first.
[271] I think some promises.
[272] Do you ever reuse the same pot like you, you boil down an ostrich one day and then the next day, you kind of rinsed out the pan but not really and then you're making up some dinty more stew for your husband.
[273] Does that ever happen?
[274] No, but I will eat stuff and put it down on the very table that I've just skinned some horrific things and then I would do that too.
[275] Pick the food off of it and like we all do that in the shop.
[276] Yeah, we're like, is it true that COVID started with you?
[277] Is that what happened?
[278] Because everything you're describing is what we're not supposed to.
[279] to be doing.
[280] And you've got scientists all over the world saying, wait a minute, how did this jump from animal to human?
[281] And there are all these suspicions about, you know, could it have been in this southern part of China in a wet market?
[282] And then suddenly, you're going to see, the CDC is going to start saying, you know what?
[283] There's this rural part of Michigan.
[284] Oh, my gosh.
[285] It makes sense.
[286] Like Dittzel denied COVID so hard.
[287] See?
[288] Ditzel.
[289] It's back to Detzel.
[290] What if it all started with Ted Nugent.
[291] Oh, that makes sense now.
[292] Yeah.
[293] I'll bet he's a COVID denier too, and he's probably like the lady dot protest too much, yeah.
[294] He wasn't a COVID denier.
[295] He just thought masks were unnecessary because you could kill COVID with a crossbow.
[296] I think that was his, he maintained that just one good shot with a crossbow, you could take that fucker out.
[297] He also had a mustache that filtered out COVID like a bailing whale.
[298] He had 40 pounds He had 40 pounds of COVID in his mustache At any given time Oh Matt That was good It was a good one Matt I haven't heard the word Baylein I'm impressed Since middle school When I learned about the whales I know Yes Wow I feel like I use that word Every three weeks Well we're not all impressed Oh Conan's not impressed I'm sorry I use the word bailing three times this morning.
[299] Morays.
[300] Oh, God.
[301] But it was just me mispronouncing Shaline Woodley's name.
[302] I don't see what that Bailene Woodley sees in Aaron Rogers.
[303] People are like, Dad, it's Shailene.
[304] What, Bailin?
[305] Is she still with him or do they break up?
[306] Dad.
[307] Well, Maureen, I would like to meet you in person someday.
[308] I really would, but I don't want you to murder me and then taxid her.
[309] how would you pose Conan if you did yeah how would you pose me uh well i would definitely pose you nude oh definitely like that's yeah there's no negotiation on this no well there was an episode what's your what's your reasoning for a nude conan well there was an episode where you talked about the uh the hard left lean oh god and the switched balls i think we really got to work on that Aren't you glad you have Wi -Fi now, by the way?
[310] Definitely.
[311] You'd have your hands on your hips.
[312] You could, yeah, legs akimbo, arms on hips.
[313] Yep, chest out.
[314] I know what it is.
[315] It's stuffed naked Conan with his big old guy going straight to the left, and it's the entrance statue to the Conan Library.
[316] So it's like turn left here.
[317] Oh, good.
[318] Yeah, go left.
[319] Yeah.
[320] People are like, well, how do I?
[321] Where's the entrance?
[322] Oh, I see what's where it's pointing.
[323] Oh, come on.
[324] This is, this is worse than the boiling head thing.
[325] I can't.
[326] This is, this is going to be, this is awful.
[327] You know what?
[328] He could be clothed.
[329] You should be clothed.
[330] I think it's clothing optional.
[331] I think it depends on what, you know what?
[332] It depends on what day of the week.
[333] And maybe there's a certain day of the week where I'm, I'm nude in front of the Conan Library.
[334] Oh, adult night.
[335] Ladies night.
[336] Ladies, yeah, yeah, which will, which will, which, Of course, we'll translate to absolutely no ladies' nights.
[337] We'd notice that on ladies' night, no, not only do no ladies come, but nobody comes.
[338] Do you think it could have anything to do with the naked Conan statue pointing towards the entrance?
[339] Well, Maureen, it's really nice talking to you, and I'm fascinated, I am fascinated by what you do.
[340] I think it's, I could not do it, but God bless you.
[341] And I am sorry about your peacock.
[342] I know that that was, sounds like that was a traumatic time for you, but it sounds like you're doing a lot better now.
[343] Yes, yes.
[344] And he's still with me. Yeah.
[345] He's right there.
[346] Yeah.
[347] Little peewee.
[348] Yes.
[349] Murder victim of your mother's rage.
[350] That's right.
[351] Sorry, but I'm pretty sure your mom did it on purpose.
[352] Yeah, probably.
[353] Okay, that probably undid your year of therapy.
[354] Sobriety.
[355] Forget I said anything.
[356] Hey, Maureen, really nice talking to you and take care of yourself.
[357] All right.
[358] Thanks.
[359] Nice to meet you guys.
[360] All right.
[361] Bye -bye.
[362] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[363] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Goorley.
[364] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.
[365] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[366] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[367] Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm engineered by Will Beckton Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[368] This has been a team Cocoa production in association with Stitcher