David Letterman

[0] My name is Dave Letterman.

[1] And my connection to Conan is endless admiration.

[2] I'm waiting for the twist.

[3] No twist.

[4] Can I get that again from my phone?

[5] I'd like that to be my outgoing message.

[6] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[7] Hey there, welcome to the beginning of season two of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[8] I can't believe we're here at a second season.

[9] This is pretty amazing.

[10] I'm here with my team, D -Squad, you know?

[11] Taylor Swift has her squad, and I'm very much like her.

[12] so I have my squad here and my trusty assistant Sonam of Sessian Hey Sona Hi Why you were You don't I'm laughing Why you don't think I'm at all Like Taylor Swift I Hey you're nothing like Taylor Swift We are both attractive people Oh come down You're nothing like Taylor Swift We're both talented singer songwriters We are nothing like her squad I mean she runs with a squad Of like super models and stuff And guess what you're supermodels to me Oh Oh So I'm here with Sonom of Sessian I'm also here with Matt Gourley How are you, Matt?

[13] Good, how are you?

[14] I'm good.

[15] You excited about season two?

[16] I'm ready to be back.

[17] I'm ready to roll.

[18] Okay.

[19] Yeah.

[20] We're going to have an incredible season.

[21] We had a great first season, and I'm told the numbers are through the roof.

[22] Is that correct?

[23] That's correct.

[24] Okay, the numbers are insane, but you know me, I'm not a numbers guy.

[25] I'm all about the quality of the work, more of a Michelangelo, just concerned with, did I realize a figure inside the marble?

[26] Wasn't he a dick?

[27] What the hell?

[28] What was that?

[29] I'm serious.

[30] That's so your generation.

[31] Was he a dick?

[32] Wasn't he?

[33] I heard he was a difficult person.

[34] I heard he was a huge dick.

[35] Wait a minute.

[36] He was uncompromising and a great artist.

[37] So because we have that in common, I will defend him.

[38] Could he sometimes be difficult and not just give everything a thumbs up emoji?

[39] Yeah.

[40] But you're saying he's a dick because what?

[41] He didn't like everybody's post?

[42] What?

[43] Their Facebook post or whatever?

[44] I was saying I've heard stories about him being a dick.

[45] You're acting like you went into an.

[46] Arby's that he had just been in.

[47] I've heard stories when he was kind of a dick.

[48] What do you mean?

[49] You know, I went by a chick -fil -A and I was getting a sandwich and they said he had just been in there and he parked his car in the handicapped spot.

[50] He didn't have a limp or anything.

[51] What's going on?

[52] Hey, Michelangelo, you should go.

[53] Maybe you shoulda go.

[54] Jesus, Michelangelo, your Italian accent sucks.

[55] Maybe you're an Italian accent suck.

[56] God, Michelangelo.

[57] you're a dick and a very unconvincing Italian from the Renaissance Maybe you're a unconvincing Italian from a renaissance Now Michelangelo These are terrible clapbacks You're just repeating what I'm saying And maybe you're repeating What the Euro said Now it's Michelangelo Not only have you ruined Everybody's meal here at Chick -fil -A But you're also a terrible A Terrible Tine accent And your clapbacks are the worst I want to clap back.

[58] Hey, do you think this is going to be Is this going to be the season where I get to clap back at somebody on the internet?

[59] You know that's my dream.

[60] I know.

[61] I want someone to body shame me and then I want to clap back.

[62] I'll body shame you.

[63] Your body is weird.

[64] Like, who has legs that long?

[65] Hey, I'm proud of my legs.

[66] And I'm proud of my figure.

[67] And I'm out here for guys like me that have really long legs and short torsos.

[68] And if you're out there, I'm with you.

[69] you.

[70] I like my long legs.

[71] Maybe you're the one with the legs that are too long.

[72] Michael Angelo.

[73] I came back at the help by my friend Conan.

[74] I'm uncompromising.

[75] And so I what?

[76] I may ask for the horsy sauce here at Chick -filet and I get told I'm a dick by Sona, who didn't even hear it the first hand as she heard from guys who were there a few minutes after I left.

[77] And so I use a handicap space.

[78] It was close by and I had to get back to the Sistine Chapel.

[79] What?

[80] I got to get back to the Sistine jazz.

[81] I got to finish the painting of the chapa.

[82] I'm uncompromising, but the people are say, I'm a dicker.

[83] You sound like Benicio del Toro.

[84] I'm friends with Benicio del Toro.

[85] Oh, God.

[86] That's ridiculous.

[87] This is the kind of quality comedy you're going to get in season two.

[88] Okay?

[89] This is stuff, this is well -crafted.

[90] This is what we're opening with.

[91] This is what we're starting.

[92] the season with is the worst Michelangelo impression.

[93] And I'll bet there's some bad ones out there.

[94] Oh, my God.

[95] So many comics out there try to break in on an open mickey with a Michelangelo impression.

[96] And I just, none of them are going to try after this because I win.

[97] Yep.

[98] Well done.

[99] Yeah, you win.

[100] I win again.

[101] I'm excited about this season.

[102] Yep.

[103] If we can do that our first time back, think of what we can do when we actually give it a little bit of thought.

[104] and we're warmed up.

[105] We got to get this show on the road.

[106] It's absurd to try and introduce my guest.

[107] Just absurd.

[108] This gentleman is the reason anybody my age does comedy the way we do it.

[109] He hosted late night television for 33 years between late night and the late show.

[110] He currently has a program called My Next Guest Needs No Introduction, which is on Netflix.

[111] He has been a formidable presence in my life since I was in high school, and we have encountered each other over the years and had pleasant exchanges, but he and I have never sat down and had an honest to God in -depth conversation and it is an incredible honor for me that that is happening now.

[112] Ladies and gentlemen, David Letterman.

[113] I think I've said this many, many, many times.

[114] The only reason I get to do what I do for a living is because you invented this kind of late -night show.

[115] And I just thank you because it's a great dodge.

[116] It's a real job.

[117] Yeah, so far this is the worst podcast ever.

[118] Yeah.

[119] Well, this part doesn't even air.

[120] Oh, well, then it's fine.

[121] Yeah, this is the part.

[122] I say this to everyone I talk to, you know?

[123] I praise Claude Aiken up top.

[124] Whoever I'm talking to, Sheriff Lobo.

[125] I'm just like, you're the best.

[126] I, okay.

[127] When you were deciding to move on from the late show, you said, you decided it was time because your son asked you how it was.

[128] the show tonight and you couldn't remember.

[129] And I was listening to that thinking, Jesus, I should have gotten out then 15 years ago.

[130] And it's not that I don't care.

[131] It's that the volume, the sheer volume of the work and the amount of time you're out there does something to your mind like an etchice sketch where my short -term memory is completely gone.

[132] Do you have a connection to your body of work or if you just dumped the whole thing and you have to see a tape somewhere.

[133] Well, first of all, the dynamic of not knowing who had been on the show or how it went is common.

[134] I think common to people who do something repetitive night after night after night.

[135] I used to hear Peter LaSalle say the same thing when he was working with Johnny, and I would say, who was on the show tonight?

[136] And he would say, who was on the show?

[137] I don't remember.

[138] And then later in conversation, he was Charles.

[139] Now, arguably, that is perhaps forgettable, but...

[140] I disagree.

[141] It's the same process.

[142] But, no, you know, that was kind of a ruse on my part, because as I reflect on it, I just stayed too long.

[143] Do you really think you stayed too long?

[144] Yes.

[145] Yes, absolutely.

[146] Selfishly and for the benefit of the American viewers.

[147] I stayed too long.

[148] But I see other people doing shows now who I are doing it better, more energy, and overall making it their own time period.

[149] And I just, I couldn't do that anymore.

[150] And I should have left.

[151] But, you know, I was kind of hidden and protected in those time periods where people at that time weren't really caring so much about.

[152] And then they became wildly lucrative.

[153] But, yeah, I should have gone.

[154] You know, I would have had a different kind of life, and I long for that a bit.

[155] Well, there's nothing you have in your life now that you could do all that now.

[156] Anything you could have done if you had decided to leave four years earlier.

[157] You're doing this other show now.

[158] Our next guest needs an introduction.

[159] But let me ask you, do you feel that your show and you've been on the air X number of years?

[160] How many, how many years?

[161] 26.

[162] 26.

[163] Yeah, 26 since the beginning of the late night show.

[164] Do you ever feel that it has misdirected your life in a completely, there's no blame here.

[165] It's just the momentum can suck other parts of your life away.

[166] Yes.

[167] I think there are times where you do the show, and it can be for periods of time, where you're doing the show because that was what you do.

[168] It's like a siphon.

[169] you've you've been doing it for a while and there's a momentum to doing it and sometimes I liken it too if you're driving on the highway for a long time the lines in the middle of the road hypnotize you a little bit and you feel like I'm still driving but I'm not really aware that I'm driving I'm not actually present and I think that's a danger when you've been doing this for a long time is that it can just be a habit Well, when I agree with all of that, and when I started doing it, I came on, we replaced Tom Snyder, who I thought was just fine at what he was doing, and we followed Johnny Carson.

[170] So I felt like in those days that was the most important thing a person could do.

[171] And if you screwed that up, well, why did you get rid of Tom Snyder?

[172] And look at Johnny, he's, you know, laughing at you.

[173] because you're not as good as he is.

[174] So I felt this perhaps imaginary pressure.

[175] And then my narrow of focus just kept tightening and tightening and tightening to the neglect of other aspects of real life.

[176] Well, it's very hard for me to explain to people how rare and important a late -night show was back when you were doing it.

[177] And you started out, I first saw you on the morning show.

[178] it was very arresting just, what is this?

[179] This is so different from anything on television.

[180] I have to stop and look at this for a while.

[181] I'm not even sure if this is wrong in some way or right.

[182] It's just so different.

[183] And it was next to impossible for someone like you to get that valuable piece of real estate because back then it really was.

[184] Not to be the old man, and I'm signing like the old man now, but there are 125 late -night shows now.

[185] So that sense of urgency is very hard to get.

[186] And I remembered early on reading interviews with you and maybe getting a discussion here and there where you would say, when I give someone a piece of my show in big time show business, I really expect them to have their stories ready and not for us just to be out here chewing the fat.

[187] We're two people on the subway.

[188] How do you create that urgency anymore?

[189] I don't know.

[190] We did it because that was the model of the, Tonight Show.

[191] Because in those days, as you know, if you got on the Tonight Show and did well, great.

[192] It was an important point in your career.

[193] If you didn't do well, goodbye.

[194] And that meant you had to have stories, beginning, middle and end, funny, and three or four, eight to ten minutes worth or material that was solid.

[195] And if not, you know, you might be able to get on with John Davidson guest hosting, but that was it.

[196] It was the fall, potentially the fall, was, you know, stepping off a precipice.

[197] I've talked to many people, people like Steve Martin, who say that their life changed when they went on the Tonight Show.

[198] They went on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, and the next day, and Gary Shandling said this, the next day everybody knew them, and everybody had seen their set.

[199] That can't happen today.

[200] Now, something can go viral and people can gradually catch up, but there's no such thing as ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles, and 70 million people are seeing it in that moment.

[201] And I think that sometimes the times make the show.

[202] I think in your case, because there's no internet and there was no dilution of what was happening, and you took it so seriously, and your team took it so seriously, there was this happening with your show.

[203] I was curious, when did you know, this thing has clicked in and we're becoming, it's becoming a cultural phenomenon.

[204] I know that sounds highfalutin, but was there a moment?

[205] Was it, were you a year, two years?

[206] When did you know this is a thing?

[207] Well, as you know, when you're doing a nightly show, what you concentrate on is doing the nightly show, and as far as you know, because you get the response from the people in that room.

[208] You're accustomed to, that's great, the people in the room laughed, and tomorrow we'll try to make a different room full of people or a room full of different people laugh also.

[209] Yeah.

[210] And you lose sight of what may or may not be happening outside, other than looking at the ratings, but in those days, it was pretty easy to get ratings following Johnny Carson.

[211] So that was not a problem.

[212] So I just was never sure from pickup date to pickup date, whether we were going to be renewed.

[213] I do remember one moment years into it at NBC where they were giving us primetime specials.

[214] And we did a, they gave us an hour and a half, I believe, on a Thursday night.

[215] And in those days, Thursday night was must -see TV or whatever they called it.

[216] Yeah.

[217] So we were in...

[218] That was a contemptuous sigh, if you want to...

[219] I'm just identifying that.

[220] Anyway, we got that time spot, and because of the momentum, it was huge.

[221] Our show was huge.

[222] And in those days, NBC was owned by GE.

[223] And I had used GE to great advantage by making fun of them.

[224] And there was some sort of gathering.

[225] And Bob Welch, the CEO of GE, all -powerful CEO of CEO -Land.

[226] came hustling up to me and shook my hand, and he said, congratulations.

[227] And I said, well, you got a 33 share or a 33 rating.

[228] I don't know, whatever it was.

[229] And I tried to explain to him that it was just the time spot, but he was having none of it.

[230] And so at that point, I thought, well, if Bob Welch is coming over here to shake my hand, that must mean something evil and greedy.

[231] Then you look down and your watch was gone.

[232] That's exactly right.

[233] Yeah.

[234] My experience was being told I had a very rough start following you.

[235] Thank you.

[236] My rough start lasted for quite a while.

[237] And I remembered constantly being told it's over.

[238] You're going to be let go.

[239] And the only thing I knew was these audiences come in and we do this and they laugh.

[240] So I know it's working with the people.

[241] in 6A, and I just had this call it religious, spiritual faith that there's something good happening in here and I know I have a long way to go and, you know, I'm in way over my head now, but something's happening here that has goodness to it and has value and that's just got to seep out if I can get the time.

[242] Right.

[243] But it really did start with, if there hadn't been a studio audience there, I probably would have taken my own life the first season, just because I, it was the only thing telling me, no, you're on the right track.

[244] Yeah, that's exactly in different words, my experience, not only starting out, but mostly throughout my own career.

[245] And I can remember when there was a breakthrough, finally, right around the Bob Welch time, Jack Welch, not Bob Welch.

[246] He's not listening.

[247] I thought, well, this is what they mean by saying, you got to keep pushing the rock up the hill, just keep pushing it up the hill, keep pushing it up to hill, keep pushing it up to hill, keep pushing it up to hill, keep pushing it up to hill, And before you know it, you'll be at the peak and things will be grand.

[248] And I thought, well, this experience I understand now.

[249] And I thought that that was universal to life.

[250] Turns out it's not.

[251] But I adapted it for my struggle at NBC, trying to feel like we were worthy of being on TV.

[252] There's this phenomenon.

[253] I don't know if you can relate to this.

[254] But I've seen a lot of people that got into comedy, I would include myself, because they saw other people who had achieved something great, and they thought, if I could get to where they are, then I will have no problems.

[255] You remember comedian Rich Hall.

[256] One of the first gigs I had as a 22 -year -old was writing jokes for Rich Hall, and I remembered his assistant coming in and handing him an envelope that had $1 ,000 in it because he was going somewhere.

[257] And I remember thinking, if I was making my living in comedy and someone, would occasionally come into a room and hand me an envelope with $1 ,000, I'd never complain again in my life, ever.

[258] And extrapolate that.

[259] I always looked at you as, and still do, as this guy has achieved everything you can possibly achieve.

[260] So great Buddha -like contentment must come with that.

[261] And we know that that's not the case.

[262] I wonder if there are those for who it is the case.

[263] I'm sure there are.

[264] I'd like to think I'm pushing my way to that.

[265] Well, this reminds me, and I've mentioned this to you before, you were a guest on our show after you had been on the air a while, and I had been on the air a while at CBS, and I asked you how things were going, and you said, really well, I think we've now done 18 really good shows in a row.

[266] And I said to myself, oh, my God, I don't think I've done 18 good shows in a year.

[267] And that's when I began, not then, but it re -asked the question, I don't know what I'm, I don't know what I'm, you know, it just, it created, it just hit that button of doubt again.

[268] I think you misquoted me. I'm going to just correct you now, because I remember very clearly what I said, because I always put the knife in myself, which is, I think you was, I had to just come off of a run because we had, we had to do five shows a week.

[269] We wanted to do four a week, which was your schedule.

[270] Well, we had to do five.

[271] We were getting killed.

[272] We had no time off.

[273] And I think we had had to do 133 shows without a break.

[274] And I think you said, how's it going?

[275] And I said, we just did 133 shows, 18 of which were probably pretty good.

[276] And I think maybe you heard it through your filter.

[277] Well, let me apologize.

[278] I've never said to anybody, I just did 18 shows in a row, and they're awesome.

[279] That's a different, that's a guy named Jet Blaze.

[280] I understand the other equation because I know that number.

[281] I know having, when we started, it was, I think we did six months in a row of shows.

[282] And I know people think that's silly.

[283] And I think the hard work is the pressure one puts on oneself.

[284] Yeah.

[285] There's this, I may have mentioned this to you once.

[286] It's a fascinating document.

[287] It's a 1980 Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Carson.

[288] And in it, he's bemoaning the fact that all the big stars are gone and that the tonight, his tonight show, you know, Groucho is gone and Jack Benny's gone.

[289] And, you know, all the greats are gone.

[290] I remember reading that and thinking, what the hell are you talking about?

[291] You just, you know, you had Bert Reynolds on last night.

[292] You had Bob Newhart.

[293] You had, you have Steve Martin on regularly.

[294] What are you talking about?

[295] But I think what happens.

[296] I think this happened to Johnny.

[297] He probably felt.

[298] it's all getting small it's all getting small and when he left there was no way that his Tonight Show even though it had every single star in the world and he was the pinnacle could probably match 36 year old the feeling he had when he was 36 and trading quips with his hero Jack Benny right and then I think if that happened to Johnny it must have started to feel small to you at some point it must feel at some point like who was there's this kid on and he's he's from one tree hill.

[299] What's one tree hill?

[300] Yeah, exactly.

[301] Well, you experienced that.

[302] I think it's, if you do it more than a couple of years, you're going to experience that.

[303] Yeah.

[304] Because the people are being replaced and enjoyed.

[305] I, you know, to me, when Tom Hanks would be on the program, I thought, well, you know, here's here's our Jack Benny.

[306] You know, he was, I don't know that.

[307] Didn't you love it when Tom Hanks came on?

[308] I remember it.

[309] He's fantastic.

[310] And then I remember it very well his last appearance.

[311] I think he was your last guest on the late night.

[312] And he came out and just classic talk show appearance.

[313] I mean, it was such a fantastic show.

[314] You were doing your last late night show.

[315] I was sitting alone.

[316] That's right.

[317] I remember that.

[318] And Bruce Springsteen was there.

[319] You bumped him, I think.

[320] But I was, you were doing your last show.

[321] It was sublime.

[322] It was fantastic.

[323] I was up in my, uh, you were doing your last show.

[324] It was sublime.

[325] It was fantastic.

[326] I was up in my, uh, office, we had no staff yet and I had to replace you in a couple of months and we didn't know what the show was yet.

[327] And by all accounts, I had no business being there.

[328] And I was watching you on TV and then someone convinced me to go down and say a quick hello.

[329] But I've never felt that lonely being in those offices in Rockefeller Center alone with no staff and watching you end this perfect show.

[330] I just wanted to go.

[331] I wanted to go out to window.

[332] But, I mean, it's an odd, it's odd to hear this because the other side of the table, literally, didn't feel that way.

[333] It didn't feel that way to you?

[334] No, never did feel that way.

[335] Sometimes I would think we had a really nice show.

[336] Sometimes I would think we didn't.

[337] Most nights, I felt that I had ruined it.

[338] You know, most nights I probably did.

[339] Because the truth of it is, the people, well, I don't No, I can't speak for today's talk show guests.

[340] But in those days, and in Johnny's day, the show was pretty much self -driving.

[341] Johnny comes out, does his 16, 20 jokes, whatever.

[342] Everybody loves it.

[343] He sits down.

[344] He does Aunt Blabby or whatever he does.

[345] And then the fun starts.

[346] Out come the big stars, the passing of which he lamented.

[347] So once he got to the desk and was done, you know, his job was pretty much over.

[348] I, you know, oh, I did not know that.

[349] You know, that's all you had to say.

[350] The thing that I still love is when it was time to wrap up a segment, you were on his show.

[351] No, no. Johnny retired before I got the late night show about a year before I got the late night show.

[352] I did have some contact with him because I was working on The Simpsons and he came by and do an episode.

[353] I'll never forget, he drove up in a white corvette.

[354] Yeah.

[355] and he had a file of facts and two cartons of cigarettes and he came in and he was fantastic he did the voice he played himself he did the voice and we all thought now he's going to leave what I didn't realize and what I understand now is he'd been off the air for a year and he was in a room full of comedy writers so we asked would you sign a few scripts be nice if you could it's no problem if you can't Mr. Carson of course, and he was signing them.

[356] And then he started to talk.

[357] And he was in no hurry to go.

[358] And it was lovely.

[359] Yeah.

[360] Because he started complaining about Bob Hope.

[361] And he started talking about how, you know, Bob Hope, the greatest star, greatest career.

[362] And he said, I don't do a Johnny Carson impression, but he said, I don't do impressions at all.

[363] I do a Mr. T. But he said, you know, Bob Hope, the greatest career, he spent.

[364] He'd met and performed for 11 presidents.

[365] He's traveled all over the world.

[366] He's known everybody.

[367] I'd have him on the show.

[368] I'd say, Bob, can you tell us?

[369] You were just over in Vietnam.

[370] Yeah, how about that?

[371] How about that?

[372] And then I'd ask him another question.

[373] And he'd go, yeah, and that's something.

[374] Isn't that something?

[375] And it drove Johnny crazy.

[376] And I thought, at the time, I'm 28.

[377] And I'm sitting here listening to Johnny Carson.

[378] I'm sitting like a child on the floor while he sits at a table and complains about Bob Hope who is this untouchable icon comedy that I grew up watching.

[379] Yeah, it's interesting because I've had that experience also with Johnny where he just would say to me, moan to me, when is he going to retire?

[380] What does he have to prove?

[381] Why is he doing this?

[382] And the way it would work, Bob would do a couple of specials a year, and then for his opening monologue, he would come out and use Johnny audience.

[383] Yeah.

[384] And this used to drive Johnny crazy as to what, what, why?

[385] When is this going to end?

[386] Well, how he's 90 now?

[387] How much longer is he going to do it?

[388] So there was something, I don't know if it was just envy of Bob's nearly global success recognition.

[389] I don't know what it was, but it's funny that we have that in common.

[390] Well, I also remember him telling a story about he does his last week of shows and I think Bob came on that last, you know, everyone was coming on that last week of Johnny's shows.

[391] Everybody's coming out.

[392] So sure enough, maybe the second to last night, and by the way, I've always wanted a song that I could walk out to and I'd like, that's not being used now so maybe I could get it.

[393] But Bob Hope walks out and he's carrying a gift wrapped and he hands it to Johnny and Johnny knows not to open it on the air and just sets it aside and says to Bob, well, Bob, you know, yeah, isn't that something?

[394] How about that?

[395] How about that?

[396] Isn't that something?

[397] Yeah, you met Eisenhower, and he told you, said, eh, he sure did, now something.

[398] And then, anyway, he knew not to open it.

[399] And he said, sure enough, after the show, I unwrapped it.

[400] And this is the gift that Bob Hope is giving to Johnny Carson after these two titans, one handing a gift to the other.

[401] And let's also keep in mind that Bob Hope is the richest landowner in the history of California.

[402] hands him a gift.

[403] And afterwards, he said, you know what it was?

[404] You know what it was?

[405] It was a re -gifted VCR.

[406] Yeah.

[407] That's about right.

[408] I just thought.

[409] I had one other experience with Bob Hope.

[410] It was in New Orleans.

[411] And Brandon Tartikoff had prevailed upon me to participate in a primetime Bob Hope special.

[412] And I didn't want to because sort of the unspoken purpose of the show was to avoid that.

[413] level of mainstream show business.

[414] But it was, you know, okay, I like Brandon Tardikoff.

[415] And so he's doing a special, this was at the, it was a world's exhibition in New Orleans when, you know, on the heel, maybe it was the last sort of world fair like event that used to occur routinely when I was a kid.

[416] So we went down there with Bob, Hope, as guests, and did something stupid.

[417] And Bob said, hey, come on into the trailer.

[418] So he's got a trailer and we go in there's, Then there's Dolores, and then there's Bob, and it's lunchtime for Bob, and Bob's having hot dogs.

[419] And Dolores cuts up the hot dog for Bob.

[420] And the other person in the room, forgive me for not knowing his name, Admiral Phil in the blank, he's the commander -in -chief of the Kitty Hawk.

[421] And he introduced me to the man in charge of the Guinea -Hawk three times while we were in there.

[422] And that's when I said, okay, I have nothing.

[423] to add, I don't have a battleship or a carrier I'm just going to Dolores, great pleasure meeting you.

[424] Bob, enjoy your hot dog.

[425] That was it.

[426] But he, you know, he was nice to me, but that was the only interaction I ever had with the guy.

[427] I did go, I recorded his voice for the Simpsons.

[428] So I, and they asked a room full of writers who wants to go to Bob Hope's house and record his voice for the Simpsons.

[429] No one's hand went up except myself and your old writer Jeff Martin.

[430] Oh, yeah.

[431] Just thought we've got to get, we've got to go.

[432] Sure, yeah, yeah.

[433] So we went to his house in Toluca Lake, and it had pictures of like Patton pissing in the Rhine and, you know, just all of his scripts.

[434] And we were, and then he came down and the line we wanted him to record was he helps Lisa Simpson out.

[435] And then he grabs onto a helicopter to escape.

[436] And he tells the pilot, set me down near that boat show.

[437] So he can make a few extra dollars.

[438] And sure enough, he came in and he was, it was, at this point, he, I shook his hand, but I, I don't think he could see me. And he, ah, and dad, you're going to say this.

[439] All right, all right, all right.

[440] And then just pull me down to that boat show.

[441] And we got it.

[442] And I was escorted out the back.

[443] But we've got to get off this topic of Bob Hope because I really do feel like.

[444] Well, you know, there's another, another aspect to this.

[445] Getting scared just talking about him.

[446] Yeah.

[447] I feel like he's here.

[448] There's another aspect to this, which is.

[449] And I don't know if this was motivated by just the need to perform, put me down at the boat show, or something deeper, something more admirable.

[450] But he did go out and put himself in harm's way to a certain extent.

[451] Oh, my God.

[452] His record in the wars.

[453] So irrespective of what you and I and Johnny Carson may have thought of his idiosyncrasies, notwithstanding, there's reason there for admiration.

[454] Oh, and his work in film, I think, in the 40s.

[455] Have you been able to sit through a road show with Bob Hope and Bing Crosby?

[456] Yeah, I like them in individual pieces.

[457] Do I want to watch the whole thing play out?

[458] No. The two of them, and always Dorothy Lamor.

[459] Dorothy Lamar, yeah.

[460] I mean, honest to God, there is no one listening now.

[461] Absolutely no one.

[462] What I like to do is I like to purge the people that don't deserve to listen.

[463] And so it's really just, it's really just you and me now.

[464] That happened when I walked in the room.

[465] No, no, no, no. But it's, it is interesting because there are not many people with whom I could have this conversation.

[466] Not many people with whom would want to have this conversation.

[467] I mean, I've heard over and over again, who's Jay Leno?

[468] Is he the guy that replaced Johnny Carson?

[469] Right.

[470] Like that.

[471] So, you know, it happens.

[472] And anyway, we can talk about anything you like.

[473] But thank you.

[474] I enjoyed it myself.

[475] Am I done?

[476] Oh, no, no, no. I have you down for four hours.

[477] I want to see that beard grow in real time.

[478] In 1986, the greatest wish in my life was to write for you, and it was an obsession.

[479] There were two shows that I was willing to work on.

[480] This is how arrogant I was.

[481] Your show and Saturday Night Live, and there was nothing else.

[482] Saturday Night Live was the distant second.

[483] I believed that my destiny was to write for you.

[484] and got close, didn't get it, and when I didn't get it, I was convinced that my career was over.

[485] I'll be honest with you, I don't think I would have been a great writer for you.

[486] I don't think I would have added much.

[487] No, let me explore this a little bit.

[488] I don't believe that that was my decision.

[489] No, no, I don't think it was.

[490] I don't think you, I don't.

[491] But now I'm wondering whose decision was it, and how can I punish them?

[492] Is it too late for me?

[493] Retribution.

[494] No, no. Listen, I've learned it's never too late for retribution.

[495] The Irish believe these things that go on for generations.

[496] You punish the person and then you punish their children and their children.

[497] No, I don't think I would have added anything.

[498] I think your show...

[499] Now, no. Now, let's...

[500] I have an idea.

[501] Yeah.

[502] Let's stop talking about me and my show.

[503] Let's talk about other things.

[504] Okay.

[505] I'll tell you, one of the nicest moments and people are going to think there's something wrong with me, and there is something wrong with me. I have kind of a character flaw.

[506] I went to see a movie years and years and years ago, and I got really excited in the movie because out of a group of women playing in the film, I spotted your sister.

[507] Oh, yeah.

[508] And that brought me great joy.

[509] And I told everybody else, that's Conan's sister.

[510] And did you know beforehand that she was in the movie?

[511] I had heard that she was in the movie, but I was the first one to identify her, and I was delighted.

[512] She's my sister Kay.

[513] very talented very funny does she still appear in act she does things here and there she uh she's a teacher uh in uh in massachusetts and she she does she'll take on a little project here and there and show up in something uh but she's she's fantastic she's very talented what was the film the fighter yeah and she was one of these sisters of Mark Wahlberg yeah anyway Christian Bale just showed up and started eating scenery and that That also, those were my two delightful.

[514] Everybody else kind of just stood back.

[515] All right, let us know when he's done acting and then we'll come back into the scene.

[516] Right, right.

[517] Do you go see a lot of movies now?

[518] I used to see them all the time as part of the job.

[519] Would you watch the whole movie, be honest?

[520] Yes.

[521] You would?

[522] Yes, I mean, there may have been one or two where I could not watch the whole movie, but yes, we would.

[523] Looked forward to it.

[524] It was nice.

[525] And you watched every movie that you were asked to see if someone was coming on the show?

[526] 80%, yeah.

[527] Okay.

[528] Well, then you're a better man than I. I did not do that.

[529] That would be the only regard in which I better you.

[530] You honor me with those words.

[531] I don't know why we're now in the 16th century.

[532] But, sir, I am honored, and I will write you a long letter.

[533] Thank you.

[534] Let me ask you this.

[535] How has, not getting into specifics, obviously, keep things private, but being a dad, did that change your perspective a lot about the silliness of care?

[536] about?

[537] No, not the silliness.

[538] No. Well, I was talking to a guy a couple of weeks ago who coalesced perfectly.

[539] He was a kid who had been in racing in Germany with great success.

[540] And he came to this country and competed in open wheel racing and was horrifically injured in a terrible crash at Pocono.

[541] And he's recovering.

[542] Luckily, he did not lose his life.

[543] But he's recovering.

[544] And he's still suffering some paraplegia paralysis, I think.

[545] And I was talking to him.

[546] I'd never met the kid.

[547] And he said, you know, I used to ask myself this question.

[548] If my wife was delivering our baby and I had to get in a race car and race, I would get in a race car and race.

[549] He said, I don't feel that way anymore.

[550] Yeah.

[551] And that's a far more dramatic explanation of the question.

[552] But I do feel that.

[553] And I feel I wish I had put that aside much earlier.

[554] Like if I had quit, as I said at the beginning, 10 years ago, I would have hoped to have had two or three children.

[555] And I love the one that I have, but it would be cool to see, you know, how many kids do you have?

[556] I have two children.

[557] Yeah, there you go.

[558] I'll tell you this, I'm one of six.

[559] And when it gets, when the numbers get that high, you know, there are problems.

[560] And I'll be honest with you.

[561] Well, when you get one, there are problems.

[562] Yeah.

[563] Yeah, but anyway, no, that's a overly dramatic way to answer.

[564] Yeah, you focus differently.

[565] As I keep saying, nobody told me they're funny.

[566] Yeah.

[567] You know, because I was plagued with anxiety during the pregnancy.

[568] And then if somebody had said, you know what, they're hilarious, just relax.

[569] I didn't get that until bang, Zoom, here we go.

[570] The kids are riot.

[571] Did you ever have a concern that because your son is growing up in maybe a nicer fashion than you did, that that would cost him a sense of humor?

[572] I say this because I was worried about that.

[573] And I remember having a Christmas party once a couple of years ago.

[574] Oh, I remember that.

[575] That was fun.

[576] Thank you.

[577] It's the wrong coast, Dave.

[578] And let's face it.

[579] Would you have come to my Christmas party?

[580] Not a chance at hell.

[581] I didn't think so.

[582] So Tom Hanks walks through the door because he's, that's not laughable.

[583] I'm someone who could have Tom Hanks at a Christmas party.

[584] Let's just imagine Tom Hanks walks at the door.

[585] I'm sure he was there.

[586] I'm substituting him for a much smaller star.

[587] No, Tom Hanks walked through the door.

[588] And the first thing he said, he looked at this nice house that we have and said, well, your kids won't be funny.

[589] And I thought, oh, no, no. I thought that bothered me. And then he was just making a joke.

[590] Yeah.

[591] But my kids are hilarious.

[592] They're very funny.

[593] And they're great with the butler.

[594] And we skit shoot in the backyard.

[595] And they call me potter.

[596] Yeah.

[597] So it's okay for the kids to poke fun at the help.

[598] Yeah, exactly.

[599] I encourage that.

[600] Yeah.

[601] Why not?

[602] No, that, and by the way, of course, as every parent knows, there isn't a thing the world can conjure that you don't worry about regarding your kids.

[603] Yeah.

[604] But this is nothing that I. was concerned about.

[605] Right.

[606] I just, I thought he's either going to be funny or he's not going to be funny.

[607] What I don't want is one of those guys that thinks he's funny and is not.

[608] Well, I guess that would describe myself.

[609] But he is very funny, funny without knowing so.

[610] And he can really take a punch in terms of, I like to make fun of him.

[611] And that's the best way to get him to laugh.

[612] Oh, he understands that.

[613] Yeah, yeah.

[614] He, that's about the only thing that'll make him laugh is when I go on and on about something silly he's done.

[615] I tackle my child, and he's getting big.

[616] He will soon be taller than me. How old is he?

[617] He is about to be 14.

[618] And so he is in a middle of a growth spurt, but I've always enjoyed getting on the floor and having it out, wrestling him.

[619] And I think we're now at the point where I risk serious injury.

[620] I'm there.

[621] I know exactly what you're talking about, Because when we go at it, you can just feel the strength of youth in him.

[622] Yes.

[623] And I can feel my strength fading.

[624] That's right.

[625] As I rush towards the grave.

[626] Wow.

[627] Open maw of the tomb.

[628] Sure.

[629] Calling for me. What do you see in him 10 years from now?

[630] My son is incredible with computers, just gifted, understands it.

[631] understood it when he was two and codes and thinks of things and I don't understand what my son is saying and I'll say what do you what are you up to back in he'll say well it's uh I'm I'm formulating a cross hash and I'll say I'll just I'm going to understand I'm going to stay in this what's a cross hash and I'll say well you know how there's usually four hexels per programatic desultation this is a pixelation of those programics so we we just heighten it and I Wow.

[632] And I don't understand, I can't be in his world.

[633] All right.

[634] Now, if he asked me about my job, any idiot can understand my job.

[635] I can say, yeah, I tried this, and the person I'm talking to can say, well, that doesn't sound funny.

[636] And I'll say, no, it turns out it wasn't.

[637] And so.

[638] Does he watch you?

[639] No, I've, not much.

[640] I have really, for the longest time I wanted my kids to think I was a pretty well -to -do realtor.

[641] And I've said that.

[642] I really did want them to think, I wanted them to have no connection to me being on TV and they see people want a selfie, but they have a very good sense of humor about it.

[643] And we do a thing that I think is very healthy, which is whenever we go to a restaurant and we come out in Los Angeles, there's never any paparazzi.

[644] But I'll say to the kids as we're headed out, help me out here.

[645] And they go outside and keep in mind, there's nobody.

[646] And they'll be like, give him room, give him room.

[647] Everybody back.

[648] He's a person.

[649] Give him room.

[650] And I think, yes.

[651] That's just putting it right where it needs to be.

[652] That's terrific.

[653] Dad's an idiot and there's no paparazzi because they don't care.

[654] Yeah.

[655] Well, my son does not like to be seen in public with me for that reason.

[656] He just doesn't like me being anything other than dad.

[657] He doesn't, didn't watch the show.

[658] Every now and then he'll take a look at the new show.

[659] But going out with him, he really doesn't like it.

[660] Everything else is fine, except he doesn't like any interaction I have with other people.

[661] Okay.

[662] What about what are you up to today, Dad?

[663] I'm going to do my show and I'm interviewing the president or Jay -Z, the caliber of the people that you are able to talk to, which is unparalleled.

[664] You can't make that a normal moment.

[665] Do you know what I mean?

[666] Yeah.

[667] Well, we don't, you know, we don't even, he is so uninterested that I will say this, ironically, or oddly, when he was younger, he used to come to the show in the afternoon to the comedy meeting.

[668] and we would run stuff by the kid.

[669] And if it made him laugh, we'd keep it in the show.

[670] That was part of the problem.

[671] But I was delighted.

[672] I remember the last year, it was a lot of bathroom noises.

[673] There's a lot of, you plent heavy in that direction.

[674] How tall is your son?

[675] He's coming up hard on my shoulder.

[676] And I was walking down the street the other day, and I was with my son.

[677] He drifted back a little bit and then started to catch up.

[678] And I just saw out of the corner of my eye, a figure moving up.

[679] And I thought, who's this guy?

[680] Yeah, yeah.

[681] And I turned around and it was my son.

[682] I do not, my cortex does not accept that he's that size.

[683] Yes, I go through that all of the time.

[684] And it's frightening, but yet it's also a bit of a joy.

[685] When his voice started a change, honest to God, I thought there was a guy in the house with the plumber.

[686] And it's, oh, good Lord, it's my son.

[687] Yeah.

[688] And he said there was Ellen DeGeneres.

[689] She was probably at your Christmas party, right?

[690] She would not come.

[691] I begged her.

[692] So she is doing the research with the silverback gorillas.

[693] And there is an Ellen DeGeneres center for preserving and taking care of silverback gorillas.

[694] And I talked to Harry about this because, you know, as a school kid, that's a, you know, we know about silverback gorillas.

[695] I didn't when I was a child, but I don't know that they were in peril then.

[696] Perhaps they were.

[697] But anyway, he knows about them.

[698] So, Ellen was nice enough to invite me and my family to come to California to attend her fundraising gala.

[699] And I said, oh, boy, I would like to go.

[700] I don't know that I want to fly out there and then just fly back and like that.

[701] But we should make a nice donation.

[702] And everybody was in agreement.

[703] Silverback gorillas.

[704] There was like eight of them left.

[705] I don't know.

[706] So I said, Harry, we need to write Ellen DeGeneres a check for the work she's doing with the silverbacked gorillas.

[707] What do you think?

[708] How much?

[709] I don't know, $100?

[710] $100.

[711] Yeah.

[712] And I said, yeah, put $5 .20s in an envelope.

[713] Shoot them right out there.

[714] It just tickled me. Yeah, he's, look.

[715] Every bit helps, though.

[716] Yes.

[717] In terms of endangered species, you can't really laugh at that.

[718] No, you can't laugh at that, but you can also keep in mind that you've, you know, he knows, this is the family fund.

[719] You can't let it run dry, giving it away.

[720] He realizes, yes, anything that's taken out of fun now will affect him later.

[721] That's going to seriously, seriously affect him.

[722] Yeah, that's right.

[723] No, I've, I hope I haven't hung on too long.

[724] You've got me thinking about that now.

[725] I enjoy this, I have to say.

[726] I enjoy these conversations.

[727] Well, that's, I mean, I'm sorry to interrupt there, but that describes my situation at Netflix.

[728] I enjoy that because it's typically not what you get on a television hour long, half hour long talk show.

[729] It can be some of that, but why not?

[730] But by and large, it's not, and it tends to be fun, you know.

[731] Well, it's also, you're not constrained by.

[732] a format.

[733] You can cut away to a remote, something that interests you.

[734] So the show can be whatever it is you want it to be at that moment.

[735] Who has been the best guest on this show, your podcast?

[736] On the podcast?

[737] That's very hard to say.

[738] How many people have been on?

[739] I mean, obviously, if I include you, there'll be self -hate on your side of the table.

[740] So you're not included in this.

[741] Right.

[742] I had a lovely conversation with Tina Faye, but looking at last - Tina Fey is fantastic, by the way.

[743] Well, she's also just her talent and her work ethic.

[744] This is something I would, I think you could speak to.

[745] All the people I admire work hard.

[746] There are very few people that I admire in comedy who just are naturally hilarious and don't even try.

[747] Most people that I admire work like dogs.

[748] Yeah.

[749] Is that true for you?

[750] It's true for me. I would say I like people who are really, really smart.

[751] in comedy, because I'm not, and forgive me if this sounds disdainful, but I'm not a fan of comedy that is not funny.

[752] Does that make any sense to you?

[753] I think you should go.

[754] You've just shit on my entire career.

[755] That's right.

[756] There's a place for it.

[757] It can be monetized.

[758] No, I do know what you're saying.

[759] Did you read the Steve Martin book, Born standing up?

[760] Yes, I did.

[761] Yeah.

[762] He put into his career more thought on a daily basis and continues to do so than I did my entire life.

[763] And I didn't know you could actually diagram it and plan for it and strategize and watch it grow the way he did.

[764] You know the show he does with Martin Short.

[765] He and Marty.

[766] Oh, you brought clips and stuff.

[767] I'm so sick of hearing about that.

[768] it was Las Vegas and oh yeah Conan was great and he had video and I said oh fine good okay because when I did it uh -huh I just showed up yeah I had I had nothing I prepared so they made me feel bad when I heard oh this is one man band one really clips I just really put a lot of thought and effort into it like all my idols and yeah I heard you just stumbled in that's right yeah the booing I hear was just through the rafters oh now that's been exaggerated I'm produce was thrown no one's thrown produce since the 20s but let's get back to uh but first of all before we talk about your inclusion in the show which i understand was great uh how about those two guys that's what i was going to say i brought it up not to uh lod myself uh although i'm glad that we worked that in um i bring it up because those are two guys who are just breathtakingly funny and talk about the work and when I did show up at that show in Las Vegas and I got to be there for the rehearsals, I saw Steve Martin sweating it.

[769] I don't mean in a panicky nervous way, but working it out beat for beat and I thought you're Steve Martin and it's the same nonsense that I would pull with you which is no no you don't need to you're there.

[770] I have to but you don't have to.

[771] And what of course makes him him is that he's sweating He's been that guy since 1972.

[772] Yeah, I saw the same thing in San Antonio, and it really was hot, so the sweating was to be expected.

[773] But it did the same thing.

[774] And Marty acted as my guide, my concierge, because he knew that Steve, as you describe, is preoccupied.

[775] And Steve so preoccupied when I was there, unbeknownst to me, I mean, the cause of it was unbeknownst to me, but developed the hiccough.

[776] and couldn't stop.

[777] And it's like every now and then you see something a guy in New Zealand has been hiccuping since he was four.

[778] And you think, oh, God, what if that's it?

[779] And Marty said he's nervous because you're here, and that's why he's hiccuping.

[780] But Marty, you know, took care of me and Steve went around cues and microphones and entrances and everything of a show that they had been doing at that point for at least a year.

[781] Which is spectacular.

[782] Oh, it's, it's, you know, it's what you want when you pay for a show, for God's sakes.

[783] And there is not one second of sentimentality in that show, which is something like I, you know, I think maybe they're both allergic to it, but they just insult each other the whole time.

[784] Yes, that's great.

[785] Oh, yeah, I think occasionally, there's an audience that wants a little schmaltz, they want a little, I love you, pal and I love you, and they are not going to give that to you.

[786] And I absolutely, I have a great admiration for that.

[787] Yeah, it's enviable.

[788] I wish I could do that.

[789] I wish I could be one or the other of them.

[790] But don't you think, no one's, I don't know if it was an AFI, I think, salute to Steve Martin.

[791] And they showed his clips intermixed with all the great silent stars.

[792] And they fit perfectly.

[793] Oh.

[794] You know, a clip of him from all of me on the sidewalk when he's being, you know, scenes from the jerk cut in.

[795] with the great masters.

[796] And the first thing he says afterwards is like, I didn't like that.

[797] I didn't belong in there with them.

[798] And I thought, maybe that's everybody.

[799] And there are people that think, yes, I belong in there.

[800] And by saying that, they don't, you know, by having that kind of...

[801] Talk about hardworking.

[802] I've never known a guy who is harder working than is he, and to great effect.

[803] But somebody asked him if he was going to be doing any films.

[804] And he said, no, I said, I lost interest in making movies about the same time the movies lost interest in me and I thought, well said.

[805] And, you know, but I wonder if people, like you see, you don't like people who are not hardworking, I wonder are there people who work and worked as hard as Steve did and does?

[806] Well, I know.

[807] Well, you mentioned Tina Fey, of course.

[808] Yeah, Tina Fey, I, has an incredible work ethic and she's someone I have a great deal of admiration for because the quality of, for jokes, the quantity of them, and her dedication to making something really good is unparalleled.

[809] And I think, God bless her, she's just, comes, she's old school, she's an old soul that believes we, this has to, we gotta make this great and this could be better.

[810] I was thinking when I said it, that there's an exception, I know we're both admirers of Norm McDonald.

[811] And he seems sometimes like someone who has something, it's his cadence, It's the way he talks.

[812] I don't know if he's a hardworking comic.

[813] But God, he makes me laugh.

[814] And his cadence, something is just wrong about it, you know?

[815] But I love Norm.

[816] And my guess is what I know of Norm is that he may not be working hard.

[817] No, no. But what he has is the same result of somebody who's worked hard.

[818] Yes, yeah.

[819] Which is, again, enviable, admirable.

[820] But God, he may. makes me laugh.

[821] And I happened across some of his time on Weekend Update.

[822] Yeah, yeah.

[823] When you watch it now, you realize Norm just didn't care if it got a laugh.

[824] No, no, no. And he didn't care.

[825] And he had a joke.

[826] I think Downey wrote the joke.

[827] It was during the O .J. trial.

[828] And there's a picture of Johnny Cochran holding up the knit cap with O .J. sitting next to him.

[829] And God, no one could do this but Norm.

[830] Norm said, a little bit of a wrinkle for O .J. in the trial today, Johnny Cochran stood up and held the knit cap that was found at the scene of the double murders when OJ jumped up and said, hey, careful with that, that's my lucky stabbing cap.

[831] Who else could do that?

[832] And he doesn't, and if it got nothing, He would stare and tell you, your problem.

[833] I thought that was one of the best, I mean, dark, but fantastic.

[834] And also, no one could do it but him.

[835] No, no, that's what I was going to say.

[836] If somebody had pitched that joke to me at the height of the OJ trial, I would have laughed and not done it.

[837] Would you have done that?

[838] No, I would not have done that.

[839] Yeah, yeah.

[840] I would have been queasy and, you know, it's a tragedy.

[841] It was theater of some kind, theater of the absurd.

[842] But the delivery, the persona, and the material.

[843] It's powerful, yes.

[844] I have kept you too long.

[845] I promised myself I wouldn't do that, and I know you probably have things to do.

[846] Yeah, guess again.

[847] I was reminded to talk to you about the horse.

[848] Oh, the horse.

[849] It was misunderstanding there, I guess.

[850] Well, I was told, now don't be mean to Conan about the horse.

[851] Who said that?

[852] I can't tell you.

[853] But they're in the building.

[854] Okay.

[855] And I was thinking, what did I do wrong?

[856] I sent him a horse.

[857] You didn't do anything wrong.

[858] Yeah.

[859] The whole thing was a wonderful, beautiful misunderstanding.

[860] You very kindly sent me a horse on your last show.

[861] I didn't know what to do with the horse.

[862] Right.

[863] The men who delivered the horse left.

[864] Well, that's, see, there's the first problem.

[865] That's the problem.

[866] They delivered the horse.

[867] It's all yours.

[868] And also, I'll say this, I was thinking Dave might like me to bring this out on the show.

[869] Uh -huh.

[870] And show that Dave brought me a horse, which is my first instinct.

[871] That's what that's, it was all very selfishly motivated.

[872] But listen.

[873] Look what Dave Letterman sent me a horse.

[874] A horse.

[875] And that would have, and that would have been great, a lot of pickup.

[876] and I wanted to do that.

[877] And then I had people say, well, wait a minute, he's a very private.

[878] Some people got in my head that maybe you like a quiet inside joke and that you wouldn't want me to do it.

[879] And I thought he's about to do his last show.

[880] I can't call him and bother him about this horse.

[881] So I overthought it, didn't show it on the show.

[882] And when I now wish that I had, and out of some sense of trying to protect your privacy or maybe this is a quiet moment but maybe this is I don't know.

[883] What I like about what I'm hearing now, this story, it's like an iceberg, there's so much more to this story than just here.

[884] You know it'll be funny, I'll send him a horse.

[885] Yeah.

[886] And then you send me a horse and I loved it and I sent you a picture and a nice note of me enjoying the horse.

[887] You're probably thinking, yeah, why didn't you show it on the show, you idiot?

[888] No, I'm thinking, why didn't he do the smart thing and return the bastard?

[889] I didn't understand.

[890] I did not understand.

[891] Usually when I'm, something is sent to me, I don't return it.

[892] Right.

[893] But that felt like an insult.

[894] So I thought this guy has a, uh, uh, you own half of Montana.

[895] But I send you a farm animal.

[896] Yeah.

[897] I'm thinking no one will want to be responsible for the feeding and care of a farm animal.

[898] I took on the, the care and feeding of the farm animal.

[899] Then I was told no one can ride the horse.

[900] It's crazy.

[901] And, and, see, I, I, I didn't see the paperwork on that.

[902] Oh, no, no, no. The horse is dangerously imbred.

[903] It had deep blue eyes like Frank Sinatra and they said the only horses that have those kind of eyes are insane.

[904] But now, you see, here's the part that where things, the logic drops out for me. I specified show business horse.

[905] A horse that can, has some credits, has been in movies.

[906] Yeah.

[907] Can write out and be jumped on and jumped off and chased and everything.

[908] The horse had done some improv.

[909] and had been on Gray's Anatomy.

[910] That's all I know.

[911] I wanted a bomb -proof horse, as we say.

[912] A beautiful horse.

[913] I'm told quite mad.

[914] Yeah.

[915] Quite insane.

[916] But then your wife befriended the horse.

[917] My wife loves horses.

[918] She said it's a gorgeous horse.

[919] Let's keep it.

[920] Let's keep it.

[921] So the next thing you know, I drive, you know, like in Los Angeles, I drove like an hour and 40 minutes to get to this place where the horse will be happy, tried to get on the horse, was told you can't get on that horse.

[922] You're too tall for that horse.

[923] Also, that horse is insane.

[924] And then I hear the horse might attack other horses.

[925] The horse is writing dark entries in its diary.

[926] There's a whole, and then my wife figures it out.

[927] I get these bills.

[928] I think I don't know what's happening.

[929] Then, true story, my wife finds the answer.

[930] She finds a school where they teach you how to massage a horse.

[931] And we send the horse to that school.

[932] so the horse is being massaged like 18 hours a day and is in heaven.

[933] Yeah.

[934] And this probably, how much does that run you?

[935] Let's just say, I can't retire.

[936] Remember when you said you were worried that maybe I, you brought up that maybe I've gone on too long, I'm working now to pay off the horse.

[937] This is so much better now that I know the full story.

[938] Yeah.

[939] Because when you said the horse, I heard you complaining about this.

[940] I didn't complain, no. I didn't explain.

[941] Explaining, not complaining.

[942] I envisioned that he had gone mad and kicked somebody silly in the head.

[943] No. So how did the craziness manifest itself?

[944] He was impossible to ride, I was told.

[945] And I'm not kidding about the eyes.

[946] The eyes were a deep, deep blue.

[947] I've never seen a blue -eyed horse.

[948] Limpid pools.

[949] Wait a minute.

[950] That was a Willie Nelson song, Blue -Aid horse.

[951] But if it's a show business horse, how can it be insane?

[952] listen to yourself, listen to how much you've lost contact with the real world.

[953] It's insane because it is a show business horse.

[954] It's never known, there's no gravity.

[955] It's got a lot of enablers.

[956] Yeah.

[957] It doesn't know anything about the real world.

[958] No. But have you ever had occasion on your shows to, oh, we need a horse?

[959] Yes.

[960] And do you get a horse?

[961] They get a horse right away.

[962] And how is it?

[963] Sane.

[964] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[965] Brown -eyed horse.

[966] Same.

[967] Nobody said, what color eyes do you prefer?

[968] I think what they saw is David Letterman wants a horse sent to Conan right away, and they said, he's not asking a lot of questions, he's got deep pockets, let's unload.

[969] Killer.

[970] Caligula, the insane emperor horse on Conan, and that way we take care of a lot of problems at once.

[971] So the horse is still alive and being massaged?

[972] Which is all code for they put it down.

[973] No, I'm kidding.

[974] No, the horse is fine.

[975] The horse is being massaged.

[976] Just if someone told me he's in a farm.

[977] he's being massaged, I'd say, oh, you used a shotgun.

[978] Yeah.

[979] No, the horse is fine.

[980] Yes, the horse is at an actual school being massaged.

[981] The code that I'm familiar with, and it took me a while to figure it out, is lead poisoning.

[982] Lead poisoning?

[983] Lead poisoning?

[984] Bang.

[985] That kind of lead.

[986] Ah.

[987] Yeah.

[988] Reminds me of Buddy Hackett on Johnny's show once.

[989] Really?

[990] Talking about some mob guy, and Johnny said, and how did he die?

[991] And Buddy Hackett went, Buddy Hackett said, natural causes.

[992] All the blood ran out of them through little holes.

[993] I don't know why.

[994] That just made me laugh.

[995] Well, quickly, because I know you've got an Uber waiting.

[996] I don't know.

[997] You don't care what I'm about to do.

[998] But he hack it was on our show late in his life and started telling stories.

[999] And I think it started with the old story of the Frank Sinatra saved Shecky Green's life.

[1000] You know, okay, he's had enough.

[1001] Yeah.

[1002] And that led him into talking about mob.

[1003] interaction with comedy and show business in early Las Vegas and after the show he's now the color drains from his face and he's he's oh no I shouldn't have said that I shouldn't have said that I shouldn't have said that oh no and he he won't leave he's in his dressing room and my manager at the time Jack Rollins a wonderful man lived to be a hundred by the way has to and everyone's gone the lights are out and Buddy Hackett won't leave his dressing room and he's he's almost in tears because he's afraid now that he has compromised his relationship with organized crimes, such as it may exist.

[1004] And Jack had to put his arm around him and walk him to the hotel, take him down to the lobby and put him in a cab, and assure him that he's not going to be gunned down.

[1005] Yeah.

[1006] His early days in show business, maybe something you had to worry about.

[1007] We worry about our cholesterol.

[1008] They worry about being killed by the mafia.

[1009] for not playing the top hat club in Atlantic City.

[1010] Yeah, I'm done.

[1011] You're through, are you?

[1012] Mm -hmm.

[1013] Wrap it up.

[1014] And you have that power.

[1015] Yes, I know.

[1016] It's just you're the only one who can tell me. I think that at the beginning of this yuck fest, I mentioned admiration.

[1017] And contained in that description would be shows.

[1018] that you've had, different forms of the shows that you have had to achieve and create, and the new show, the half -hour version, and this indicates to me that you still have boundless creative energy.

[1019] Let me see, maybe not boundless, but quite a supply.

[1020] So, no, you shouldn't quit.

[1021] All right.

[1022] I'll stick around.

[1023] Yeah.

[1024] I'll stick around and then...

[1025] And by the way, I can't thank you enough for.

[1026] inviting me, it's great to be invited to a place.

[1027] To any place.

[1028] I get a lot of invitations.

[1029] No, I'm lying.

[1030] I get no invitation.

[1031] But I was flattered by this one.

[1032] This meant the world to me. And I...

[1033] How long will this be when you're done with it?

[1034] About two minutes.

[1035] Just a brief high areas.

[1036] It'd be a hello and then we pretty much speed through it.

[1037] We have a technology.

[1038] Your voice will be very high -pitched.

[1039] That's all right.

[1040] it'll last, it'll be over in a second.

[1041] Yeah, that's, you know.

[1042] No, this is a, this is a, um, means absolutely the world to me. No, no, no. And I want to know, how long do these last?

[1043] Is there a set time or they can, like, Tina Faye, how long did you go with Tina Faye?

[1044] I think I did 50, I think I did an hour with Tina Fee.

[1045] What are we at now, Mr. Gourley?

[1046] We're at about hour and a half.

[1047] But see, you'll take this down.

[1048] We're looking at 20 minutes here.

[1049] That's fine with me. No. No. You just have to trust me. Okay.

[1050] I do trust you.

[1051] It's going to be fantastic.

[1052] We're going to change my questions.

[1053] You have two people on the staff from Indiana, one from Lebanon.

[1054] Harry is from Lebanon.

[1055] And Ashley is from Centerville or something.

[1056] Yeah.

[1057] Do you get back there much?

[1058] I own vacation property in Centerville, horse farm.

[1059] I'd like another horse.

[1060] Please send me another one.

[1061] It won't be a misunderstanding this time.

[1062] Please send me another.

[1063] David Letterman, an absolute honor.

[1064] It's been a great fun.

[1065] And I'm serious about admiration.

[1066] It's not easy and you are admirable.

[1067] That means everything to me. Thank you.

[1068] It's time for another segment of review the reviewers.

[1069] You ready for this, guys?

[1070] I've said this before and I'm going to say it again.

[1071] I get a little uptight, to be honest with you.

[1072] I'm a hyper -sensitive.

[1073] I know I don't seem like I am, but we know that this is all compensatory.

[1074] This is all me making up for my fragility inside.

[1075] The Hulk, apparently a very fragile person inside.

[1076] Very delicate, very worried about criticism.

[1077] Criticism.

[1078] No, it's true.

[1079] Yeah.

[1080] Many times the Hulk has said Hulk, he's smashed up a whole entire city.

[1081] And then he says Hulk fear criticism.

[1082] Hulk compensate for worries Hulk inadequate is a common phrase the Hulk uses and so that's why I act out so when I when you say here is what people think about what we're doing I get nervous but let's do it you know I filter anything that might okay you shouldn't say that sona explain conanism yep why should you not say that you shouldn't say that because then he knows that there's things that might upset him so you say oh I didn't have anything I needed to filter everything was perfect.

[1083] I wasn't finished.

[1084] I had to filter out so much good feedback that I found it nearly impossible because everything was a plus reviews.

[1085] Well, let's hear it.

[1086] Let's get into it.

[1087] The first one is from Lady Martha and the title is Miss Conan O 'Brien the cat.

[1088] And the review is there's a cat up for adoption at Paws in Philadelphia named Miss Conan O 'Brien.

[1089] I don't know how else to let you guys know, smiley face.

[1090] And this was September 15th, so it still could be there.

[1091] Now, here's where my mind goes.

[1092] Someone named a cat that was loved, Miss Conan O 'Brien, and then, because it had my name, no one wanted it.

[1093] That's what I go to.

[1094] And that was fast.

[1095] Well, maybe it's gone.

[1096] Maybe your name is the thing that got at the doctor.

[1097] I mean, it was euthanized?

[1098] Oh.

[1099] They're like, well, the name like Conan O 'Brien, it's, we got to put this down.

[1100] That's sad.

[1101] You know what I thought?

[1102] I thought that cat was found, and then somebody at the shelter is a big Conan O 'Brien fan.

[1103] So they named the cat Miss Conan O 'Brien.

[1104] Brian.

[1105] That's nice.

[1106] Yeah.

[1107] What's wrong with you?

[1108] Well, okay, no, no, no. Forget it.

[1109] No, we don't have time.

[1110] We don't have time.

[1111] Started in the late 60s.

[1112] Let's move on.

[1113] Next review.

[1114] Yes, next review.

[1115] I hope the cat's okay.

[1116] And if you've adopted Ms. Conan O 'Brien, I thank you and, you know, send us a picture.

[1117] Yeah.

[1118] God, I love cats.

[1119] Five stars, all these, by the way, five star reviews.

[1120] That's good.

[1121] You've filtered out the last one.

[1122] There were no, there were no even four and a half star reviews.

[1123] That's nice.

[1124] Yeah.

[1125] Best show ever.

[1126] by Nick Davis 11.

[1127] Conan, you and Jeff Goldblum would make tall babies.

[1128] Hi, Sona and Matt, love the show, been watching Conan for 20 years.

[1129] That's nice.

[1130] You and Jeff Goldblum would make tall babies.

[1131] You know, if only men could lie with one another and create a baby, a biological baby.

[1132] Would Jeff be your guy?

[1133] I would say Jeff Goldblum would be way up on the list.

[1134] Yeah.

[1135] But since Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, that performance Brad Pitt gave as a stuntman.

[1136] That's like my favorite guy in the world right now.

[1137] I want to be that guy's friend.

[1138] I just want to watch him go through life.

[1139] You want to make babies with him.

[1140] You know what?

[1141] If that's what it needs to happen to make more Brad Pitt's as that stuntman character.

[1142] Cliff Booth.

[1143] Cliff Booth.

[1144] I would do it.

[1145] That is just like my favorite person I've seen in a movie in so long that character.

[1146] And so, yes, I would...

[1147] I would have Cliff Booth's baby, if I could.

[1148] Does that make sense?

[1149] Yeah, I think so.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] What?

[1152] I'm not to want to make a baby with a man. Aren't we, are we evolved?

[1153] I'm not laughing at that.

[1154] I'm laughing that it's a fictional character.

[1155] Yeah.

[1156] Well, there's lots of fictional characters that I would love to have a baby with.

[1157] Captain Crunch.

[1158] That guy was my hero as a kid.

[1159] It was my favorite cereal.

[1160] He was your hero.

[1161] He was.

[1162] I was a kid.

[1163] When I was a kid.

[1164] When I was a kid.

[1165] I was a kid.

[1166] Yeah.

[1167] Well, maybe he'd let me wear the hat.

[1168] As long as I could wear the captain's hat.

[1169] Oh, but he's still animated.

[1170] Like he's still a primary color.

[1171] Of course he is.

[1172] Oh, God.

[1173] But anyway, I, um, when we were kids, there were six kids in my family, and my mother was very strict about once a week, on a Friday night, she would buy one box of a sugar cereal.

[1174] We had to eat healthy cereal all week long, but once a week, she would buy one box.

[1175] of a sugar cereal and it was Captain Crunch.

[1176] And then we would get up Saturday morning and we had to, my brother Luke who was the most, is still the most decent of all of us, he would apportion it out in six bowls.

[1177] And he would put like saran wrap over the top so that it was, each person's bowl was, no one could take too much.

[1178] And that's how it was done.

[1179] And Luke was like this quasi -religious monk.

[1180] You know, I mean, he was just like this, and Luke will come down and he would pour out the Captain Crunch and he would make sure that everyone got the fair amount.

[1181] Did you grow up in a science experiment?

[1182] Listen, listen, listen, then I would come down with my brother Neil and we would pour stuff from other people's bulls into our bowls.

[1183] We were such assholes and take more than our share.

[1184] And then Luke would say, this is what Luke would do, Luke would see that there wasn't enough now for everyone who'd say, then I shall give up my poor show.

[1185] Was he the oldest?

[1186] No, he's not the oldest.

[1187] Neil's the oldest.

[1188] And Neil would take more than his share and then I'd be with Neil.

[1189] I was like his accomplice like, yeah, yeah, yeah, boss.

[1190] Yeah, yeah, boss, yeah.

[1191] Yeah, you're taking the others.

[1192] Yeah, I'll help you there, boss.

[1193] And Neil would say, well, if you're helping me out, maybe you could have a little son too.

[1194] Yeah, Neil, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1195] And then Luke would come down like Christ.

[1196] I have been wronged, but I will die for your sins.

[1197] And yes, that's a true story.

[1198] I'm sure it is.

[1199] That's a absolute true story.

[1200] So, Luke, if you're out there, you're the best of all the O 'Brien boys.

[1201] Oh, my God.

[1202] Well, you and Justin are both great.

[1203] Neil and I are just the worst.

[1204] You guys lower the bar a lot.

[1205] Yeah.

[1206] We'd be a great family if it weren't for Neil and I. Oh, and then Justin was born later, so he's 10 years younger than me. So we were kids, and then suddenly this little baby showed up.

[1207] up and Neil at this point is like 13 and he's really big and I'm 10 and we both have we're supposed to have a moral compass at that point and my mother would go out and she would get baby food Gerber's baby food for my brother Justin who was a baby and it was Gerber's banana which is have you had Gerber's banana because I was an older brother and ate my brothers so what happened is my mom would put it in the pantry and my brother Neil would go in it I'd literally get on like Neil's shoulders and get the little bottles and this stuff was expensive and my parents, you know, they didn't have like, it wasn't like money was flying around.

[1208] We would take the food that was supposed to allow my brother Justin to grow into a healthy man. We would take that food and Neil and I would find spoons that were small enough to go into the little jars, and then we'd hide the jars and my mother would be like, who took this food?

[1209] And Neil and I'd be like, I don't know, Oh, Kate looks like she's had some.

[1210] You know, just for the worst.

[1211] Lips covered in bananas.

[1212] Yeah, exactly.

[1213] Did you ever have vanilla custard pudding?

[1214] Yeah, Gerber one?

[1215] Yes, I have.

[1216] Yeah.

[1217] Gerber, that stuff is really good.

[1218] It's really good.

[1219] If you see a baby, I'm just going to put this out there.

[1220] If you see a baby and they're about to have either the banana flavored or the vanilla custard flavored pudding, take it from the baby.

[1221] No. The baby will get nutrients from another place.

[1222] And the baby won't know.

[1223] The baby won't know.

[1224] Yeah.

[1225] And the baby is so young that it can't be psychologically harmed by this.

[1226] And someone else will get the baby the food.

[1227] But if you see a chance to take Gerber's baby food from a baby, do it.

[1228] That's my public service announcement.

[1229] Or just get adult food.

[1230] No?

[1231] No. You answered your own question.

[1232] No?

[1233] Take baby food from babies.

[1234] This is Conan O 'Brien.

[1235] The more you know.

[1236] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1237] With Sonam O'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1238] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1239] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Joe.

[1240] Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1241] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1242] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1243] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1244] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1245] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1246] Got a question for Conan?

[1247] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -251 -2821 and leave a message.

[1248] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1249] episode.

[1250] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1251] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.