#253 - Andrew Dice Clay, Max Silverstein, Eleanor J. Kerrigan

[0] The Joe Rogan Podcast, checking out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us, not just Eleanor Kerrigan, not just Max Silverstein, but Andrew Dice Clay as well.

[4] This is a fucking phenomenal show.

[5] You know, you're so strong in everything.

[6] In the meantime, I can't get the coffee to come out of my cup.

[7] There's something wrong with the lid.

[8] You got to pull the lid back.

[9] Let me help you with your little love.

[10] Oh, really?

[11] I thought that was it right there.

[12] I've been trying to drink it.

[13] Is it a faulty one?

[14] Oh, I didn't see it.

[15] Oh, you got to lift it.

[16] Well, I'm not going to do it.

[17] You do it with your finger.

[18] Yeah, can't everybody just be Starbucks.

[19] Just feel.

[20] It's like this.

[21] Like this.

[22] Look, look, gorgeous isn't everything.

[23] Sometimes you have to think, pumpkin.

[24] That's pretty easy.

[25] That's sad.

[26] She's good for you.

[27] Now you know why I got around.

[28] One of the thing that I enjoy about being around you, man, is that life is theater.

[29] 24 -7.

[30] I don't know what you'd say.

[31] Public theater.

[32] In the dressing room, you're a fun fucking dude to be around.

[33] You know what?

[34] And I've learned that about you.

[35] I've really learned that about you.

[36] Because we didn't know each other that well, and now we've become what I would call friends.

[37] You're like a new friend.

[38] I'd be honored.

[39] We text.

[40] Yeah, we text.

[41] Constant text.

[42] Does we do it in all caps?

[43] And what's funny is, no, no, I have to do it that way or else I can't see what I'm doing.

[44] So it's not like, you know how they say when you text?

[45] Oh, you can make the font larger.

[46] That's what I've had to do.

[47] I don't use that kind of phone.

[48] I don't use that kind of.

[49] Oh, you don't use an iPhone?

[50] No. How dare you?

[51] I use Commando.

[52] He used the typewriter.

[53] It's harder.

[54] Commando, you could talk 300 feet under the water with it.

[55] Oh, is it one of those Verizon ones or those crazy ones?

[56] So let's say.

[57] You got one for a disaster.

[58] Well, let's say you're having a fight with a guy, right?

[59] Right, right.

[60] And you're on the beach.

[61] Okay.

[62] So now I run into the water.

[63] I go underneath.

[64] I could call the.

[65] cops and say I got a problem over here.

[66] I mean, why the fuck are they making phones to talk underwater?

[67] I got it.

[68] Yeah, I thought about going that way.

[69] I tried it in my pool.

[70] It's like, I think of what kind of car do you like to drive?

[71] Do you like to drive a sports car or do you want to drive like a military Humvee?

[72] I mean, you got two different ways of looking at things.

[73] One is, I'm going to just assume that these roads are going to be like this and then I can get around on it pretty easy and just and it's fun.

[74] Or, I can pretend that the shit could hit the fan in every moment, and all of a sudden I'm driving through the fucking desert trying to find rats to eat to stay alive.

[75] I like an industrial car.

[76] I like that.

[77] I like that.

[78] I agree with you.

[79] Yeah.

[80] You like that?

[81] I like trucks.

[82] I do them off with the metal all around them.

[83] Yeah.

[84] Big fucking machine.

[85] Stay back.

[86] I got to challenge it too.

[87] But that to me is an industrial sports car.

[88] Do you have one of the new ones?

[89] Yeah.

[90] With the black stripe on the front.

[91] Nailed that car.

[92] They really like replicated a 70s muscle car they really nailed.

[93] You know what they got to do?

[94] So I get, listen, Dodge, do me a favor here.

[95] Yeah, talk to me. Make like the convertible version.

[96] Nothing, nothing will be cooler than that in convertible.

[97] Yeah, you think you're right.

[98] Yeah, they had like the kuda convertible.

[99] Where the fuck is the guy that's going to do this already?

[100] Yeah, that's kind of silly.

[101] What does it?

[102] Ten years.

[103] I mean, Camaro does it.

[104] They all, it's a fucking challenger.

[105] I want the top down.

[106] Yeah, what the fuck, Dodge?

[107] Really.

[108] What is that?

[109] Yeah.

[110] They don't have a sunroof?

[111] No. I mean, the sales The sunroof is not right.

[112] Every time you open the sunroof, you want to close it because the sun's now beating on you through this little fucking hole.

[113] Either want it open or not open.

[114] Eleanor, I'm talking.

[115] When I'm done talking, you start.

[116] I just ask a question.

[117] Ask it when I'm done.

[118] 24 -7s.

[119] No, you know, you've got to know how to talk.

[120] Keep them in line.

[121] Yeah, to keep in line.

[122] The 427 Corvette is the best American car available now.

[123] that now.

[124] See, but to me that's too small.

[125] I like a big muscle call.

[126] Do you?

[127] They knew this, they took they finally took the Z -O -6 suspension and Z -O -6 engine and they put it in a convertible.

[128] The Z -O -6 was the fucking race car.

[129] That was they took a regular Corvette and then the Z -O -6 was 505 horsepower and fucking racing suspension, big fat fucking almost slick tires.

[130] It's the craziest car ever.

[131] And now they're making it as a convertible, which is the first time that kind of power.

[132] My, Jeff Abraham, the publicist, my publicist, he's got, he's got that.

[133] Just Corvettes are ridiculous cars.

[134] They're cool to be in, but then it's getting out of it.

[135] That's the hard part.

[136] Well, it's, you know, it's also a plastic car.

[137] Because everything on me's broken.

[138] Everything?

[139] Everything.

[140] From disintegrating feet to rich shoulders.

[141] Now can I talk?

[142] You don't have disintegrating feet.

[143] Well, in a way that disintegrates.

[144] Well, I think mother time or father time, where the fuck it is.

[145] Oh, no, when I close my fist and I'm going to my hand, what?

[146] Wait, let it, it snaps open.

[147] You are wearing gloves, though.

[148] No, no, it's even worse when there were no gloves on.

[149] Really?

[150] Yeah, like the joints get stiff and then they got to like pop open.

[151] Did you really start wearing gloves?

[152] After you jerk off your hands like this for three hours.

[153] Did you really start wearing gloves because too many people were shaking your hands?

[154] You were worried about like getting sick?

[155] Well, it was, I don't mind shaking hands.

[156] I just can't take sweaty hands.

[157] Yeah.

[158] You know what I mean?

[159] So I invented a way to shake hands without actually.

[160] touching skin to skin.

[161] No, because, you know, a lot of people today, I mean, look how people are dressed, how sloppy they are.

[162] Yeah.

[163] With the jeans that they look like they're going to take half a shit out of their pants as they're walking down the street with the flip -flops.

[164] I'm glad you're with me. So picture about their hygiene with their hands.

[165] They probably got their fingers in their ass crack half the time.

[166] Scratch them and then using the keyboard, right?

[167] So, yeah, but you know what I'm talking about.

[168] I know you know what I'm talking about.

[169] Oh, I know what you're talking about.

[170] Because you shake a lot of hands, too.

[171] Yeah.

[172] Well, so you're with me in the disdain of people who wear their fucking pants buckled around their dick.

[173] It's sickening.

[174] There is a problem with that, folks.

[175] That is just stupid.

[176] And people have said, man, you're so wrong, dude.

[177] You're just fucking, you're just talking shit about style.

[178] You're being silly.

[179] It's nothing sexy about it.

[180] It's not style.

[181] That is crazy.

[182] When I see your pants, it's not lazy.

[183] It's insanity.

[184] No, when I see a girl or a guy walking around, like they took a dump in that pants, It's the last person I want to talk to.

[185] Yeah, they are wild.

[186] There's something about it that just shows that all you have to do is get one charismatic person to do something.

[187] And then every asshole wants to follow him.

[188] So it must have been just one probably badass black dude out of prison who sagged his pants and kept sagging his pants.

[189] And then all of a sudden all these fucking dorks want to copy that guy.

[190] And it's become like this thing.

[191] And the belt buckle where they're backlop, they literally are buckling their belt over their dick.

[192] like you silly fuck you can't even walk what are you hobbling yourself that's like this is way worse than anybody can make fun of a woman doing by wearing high heels like at least a woman in high heels can kind of kick her shoes off if she has to run you know what I mean those things aren't hard to get off but if you if you're wearing your fucking belt buckled around your dick if somebody wants to beat your ass you really don't have a whole lot of options no you're gonna get you're gonna get your fucking ass cake unless you want to fight naked and by the time you get those pants off that dude's gonna beat the shit out of you yeah you can't even walk.

[193] You're tied up.

[194] Joe.

[195] Your lasso.

[196] Joe.

[197] Joey.

[198] Joey.

[199] Joey.

[200] Joey.

[201] Yeah.

[202] My nickname for you is Joey Jay.

[203] Thank you.

[204] And we don't talk about what the Jay means.

[205] By the way, I need to get a pair of sunglasses like those.

[206] The violence.

[207] The prescription, though.

[208] They're badass, though.

[209] You know.

[210] Those are, I don't give a fuck sunglasses.

[211] And I don't.

[212] I know you don't.

[213] I know you don't.

[214] I know you don't.

[215] That's why you got those glasses are perfect for you.

[216] Joey fucking Jay.

[217] We went to see a dice.

[218] We'll have to get him Glass.

[219] Let me just say we went to see Dice in Vegas, and it is one of the rare times that I ever get a chance to go to see a show.

[220] You actually said you haven't sat down and watched the comedy show in years.

[221] Well, it had been about a year, and the last time was Norton before that.

[222] Maybe I caught Louis C .K. too, at the improv.

[223] But, you know, to go out on purpose, we're going to go to see Dice tonight.

[224] We're going to go see a show.

[225] Like on purpose.

[226] Yeah, and me and Norton and Bobby Kelly and Anthony Acumia and Sam Roberts and oh my god that we have a good fucking time it was so fun it first of all your act was fucking great it was hilarious you know it was just perfect old school dice and I think Anthony said he goes he goes it's beautiful he's like it's still dice but it's new like it's like the same old dice but it's new fresh material well well with this we haven't gotten talking about the special yet but my whole idea was all right I want to give them all this new generation stuff, technology, all the way to the fucking pigs, how they walk around with that pussy's out today.

[227] I wanted to give them all that newer stuff, but yet I wanted to put some of the classic dice stuff that the newer fans don't know and pepper that in into the act.

[228] So that's why I think you enjoyed it, because you want to watching somebody that all of a sudden is about politics.

[229] You come to see somebody like myself or you, you know, we're a certain brand so people expect that and that's what i like doing yeah you know what i mean you know i you know all these comics today that are going to bullshit about you know one little thing they might have said on stage and then it's a media event yeah you know it's like the one thing i will i will let the media know is when my special airs i'm not thinking of them i'm thinking of the people that really want to laugh from my brand to humor i don't care how i say it i don't give a fuck what i say to them, you know, and I'm not apologizing for a fucking word out of my mouth.

[230] And I love that.

[231] Not only do I love that, I think it's one of the most important things in comedy is that there's someone like you that says that, because from my personal opinion, as a stand -up comedy fan, as a connoisseur of stand -up, I never thought you got the credit that you deserved amongst comedians, because there was a lot of backlash about your material where they were saying, like, oh, it's sexist, oh, it's homophobic.

[232] Yeah, and it is A legitimate style of comedy.

[233] You're saying ridiculous shit and it's fucking hilarious.

[234] And if you can't recognize that as an art form, that's your ignorant problem.

[235] It's not that the material is it.

[236] That's the funny shit to say.

[237] Yeah, it's fucked up.

[238] Yeah, he's saying something ridiculous.

[239] Of course, it's not medically sound advice.

[240] I've had people walking out of a show, walking out of it.

[241] You know, because in Vegas, sometimes they comp certain people's high rollers, whatever.

[242] so people have walked out that they didn't like that I said the word fag they go he calls gay people fag and it's like what's the fucking difference it's the point I'm making you know what I mean you're not making a hurt for the point you know you know these are just different words to say they have an alternative sex style I don't give a fuck what they do I don't care if they want to suck dick all the way to the fucking bus station that's their choice but if I'm doing a bit fag is the word I use use.

[243] It works better for me than the word gay or queer or alternative fucking lifestyle.

[244] They suck dick on each other.

[245] And that's okay by me. I don't want to suck dick.

[246] And if I did, I'm telling you right now, I'd have a hundred cocks laying on my face right now.

[247] If you really wanted it.

[248] If I want it, because that's how I am about girls.

[249] You know what I mean?

[250] I like pussy.

[251] It's who I am.

[252] You know, so if I'm saying a word like fag, I'm saying it because because that's the word that works best in the act.

[253] Don Marrera had the best line ever about being gay.

[254] He goes, Joe, I wish I was gay just so I could come out.

[255] That's how little I give a fuck.

[256] Is that fucking quintessential, Don Marrera?

[257] It's so perfect.

[258] Oh, he's such a silly man. Yeah, who fucking cares.

[259] Yeah, I mean, it's a style of comedy and I always love.

[260] This whole thing about comics like being on trot.

[261] You know, I went through it.

[262] I know you did it in a big fucking way.

[263] I mean, this guy.

[264] But you went through it in a time where there wasn't that many people doing it and you sticking to your guns and keeping your character the way you've always kept it.

[265] Yeah, put me in a psychiatrist, yeah.

[266] But that's besides the point.

[267] Did it?

[268] No. No?

[269] But almost, you know.

[270] No, I've done the therapist.

[271] Actually, when my career took off, I went to a therapist in New York to see how to handle my family because they got so, you know, because it happened so quick, you know, from the clubs to the arena thing that, you know, my parents, and my whole family was so excited it's all they'd talk about so I would be like look I know what I'm doing but let's talk about other things you know I didn't want it to be 24 -7 about me you know when I'm on stage when I'm working on projects I do think constantly of what I'm doing but when it's downtime like when we came back I just got done shooting a half the Woody Allen movie that I'm doing and so the other night Max is you know we're sitting outside in the front porch and he goes we're sitting with my wife Valerie and he goes let's put on the video camera what we filmed and I said you know what now's not the time I need a few days just to be myself now I don't want to just stay on the movie and watch everything and see me more it's like you know just staying grounded is the most important thing well to me that's the whole thing with fame that's why a lot of these guys go nuts because it's 24 -7 of them so it's going to drive you nuts if you're not grounded like I won't even live in the hills I need to see people I need to be like more the street, like if I was in Brooklyn.

[272] Right.

[273] Because when you make you, when you isolate yourself, you know, it just makes you just think of you.

[274] And like, yeah, look at my house, look at my yard, but I don't see any people.

[275] Right.

[276] And that's no good for me. I got to always feel people.

[277] And that's also where you come up with material because I hate most people.

[278] So people are just fucking cocked up.

[279] So you, you're around people because you hate most people.

[280] Well, well, I like, yeah, I hate for.

[281] You know what I mean about, you know, when you get in traffic and you just make a move and they look at you like they're on the fucking street.

[282] Well, you know.

[283] You know, if you had Starbucks and you take too long to order a fucking coffee, they're looking at you like, doesn't he know the fucking menu that I want to fucking club him to death?

[284] Right.

[285] You know what I mean?

[286] Like, give me the 30 cents.

[287] Why do I feel panicked?

[288] Right.

[289] You know, even at an airport, why do you have to feel panicked to put your fucking shoes in a basket that somebody's looking like, doesn't he know the routine?

[290] Hey, why do I got to rush every fucking move?

[291] right right you know but that's where material comes from and then on stage I blow it out comedically but in real life like I said you want to club their head through the fucking feet but you like being around them you got to be around them you got to be around them you got to live life yeah I think you have to definitely a certain amount of it but I definitely need decompression too you know when I light a cigarette at Starbucks and I'm sitting outside and they start fucking coughing you know that's my favorite they start coughing and I go You ever get up in L .A. about six in the morning where you can't see the fucking sky because the fucking dirty smog is two feet above your fucking heads.

[292] True.

[293] But my cigarette's the one knocking you out.

[294] Go fuck yourself.

[295] Outside.

[296] It's ridiculous.

[297] Anybody that don't like my cigarette, fuck you and the horse you fucking rode in.

[298] The only time I really...

[299] You know what I mean?

[300] I don't know.

[301] They're done with me enough.

[302] They see this shit.

[303] That's true.

[304] He does get the looks.

[305] It's great.

[306] The cigarette is like lighting.

[307] You would have think he took that a night.

[308] What do you think?

[309] What do you think about these laws they're passing where you can't smoke outside in certain things?

[310] I think it's ridiculous.

[311] I'll tell you how I feel about the fucking law right now.

[312] I don't know why I got in this mood.

[313] The other night, like I told you, I just got dumb.

[314] I was in San Francisco doing the Woody Allen movie, which actually Louis C .K. is in also.

[315] What is the movie?

[316] Tell us about the movie.

[317] I can't.

[318] He doesn't like it.

[319] It's a heavy role.

[320] It's the heaviest dramatic role I've ever played in my life.

[321] And it, you know, doing scenes with Kate.

[322] Blanch it, like you're standing there going, I can't believe I'm even working with this person.

[323] Like, how the fuck did this happen?

[324] They kicked me out of, I got banned from every studio that was.

[325] You know, I made sure to just destroy my career.

[326] But you didn't, you didn't.

[327] You never did, because you were always funny.

[328] You never really destroyed it.

[329] You were always funny.

[330] You just went through this weird hiatus where people didn't appreciate your life.

[331] It was a hiatus to bring my kids up.

[332] And who doesn't like that?

[333] Fuck them, because they're not parents.

[334] You know, but the thing is, talking about the smoking, with the night we got done, me and Max, we're staying at the four seasons, went to this four -star restaurant to celebrate, had some, like, champagne -type stuff, and at the end of the meal, I just lit up a cigarette in the middle of this restaurant, and Max is looking at me going, Dad, we're in a, I go, it's all right, don't worry, there's hardly any people.

[335] And then the waiter comes over there for a few minutes, I go, can you do me if I ever get me an ashtray?

[336] And he's looking, he goes, oh, you can't smoke in here.

[337] I'm dumb with it.

[338] You know, should I put it on the floor or get a glass of water?

[339] You know what I mean?

[340] Yeah, and it just felt good to have a cigarette in a restaurant again.

[341] Well, as a non -smoker, I'm going to tell you, that shit's disgusting.

[342] But in a restaurant, it's fucking completely disgusting.

[343] Outside, I couldn't get her last.

[344] Yeah, but it was a big restaurant.

[345] Yeah.

[346] Well, outside, I wouldn't like it if there was, like, people blow smoke in front of my kids.

[347] But, you know, I mean, it depends on, like, where you're at.

[348] The only place I light up now in the, then is in a mall.

[349] You know what I mean?

[350] Because I don't feel they should have that law and I'm diced.

[351] And people know I smoke, so they should just leave me to fuck alone.

[352] Well, with all these new laws that are being passed, that's probably terrorism.

[353] They could probably taser you.

[354] I don't like it inside.

[355] You know, out of all this shit about yesterday's podcast, the thing that I've been getting the most shit about is tasering.

[356] I said that some guy runs in the field and fucking cops are trying to chase him.

[357] I'm like, the cop could blow his fucking knee out.

[358] You could blow a disc trying to tackle some dude.

[359] I'm like, it ain't a big...

[360] Like, if you think it's not a big deal to tackle a dude who's trying to get away from you, you never really tackled a dude who's trying to get away from you.

[361] Yeah, and not knowing if that dude has weapons on.

[362] Sure, you can break parts of your body.

[363] And tasering looks fun.

[364] I saw it in hang on.

[365] Yeah.

[366] If you want to run out on a field and fuck with a game in front of two million people and all the assholes, you know, yeah.

[367] I think you should be tased and razor.

[368] And it's a safe way to take somebody down if you're a cop.

[369] Sorry, dickhead.

[370] Sorry, dickhead.

[371] Fuck him, too.

[372] And I don't think...

[373] Fuck him too.

[374] When somebody's trying to break him too.

[375] break into his house and the cop tases him.

[376] He'll be thanking his fucking ass.

[377] I don't know who said it, but fuck damn.

[378] Silly criminal.

[379] Silly criminal.

[380] Everybody looking, let's point a finger.

[381] Oh, the cop did this or this one day.

[382] Yeah, you be in those neighborhoods and want to have to get home to your kids that night.

[383] You do what you got to do.

[384] That's it.

[385] Well, I think a lot of them have a massive.

[386] So it's a lot better than shooting somebody.

[387] Yeah.

[388] I think a lot of them have massive amounts of pressure built up that we can't even understand.

[389] As a person who doesn't have to deal with violent crime on every fucking.

[390] on a daily basis we don't know what kind of build up those guys have and by the way i think it should be fucking mandatory they should actually learn how to fight you know i've met dudes in who are cops and i met him in jiu jitsu class on like their first day and i'm like holy shit son you're a white belt and you're a cop like you you better learn how to strangle some fucking people like you're gonna you know someone might want to try to take your gun do you know that that can happen you better learn how to fight bitch are you crazy you're gonna go out there with a gun and a fucking target and you don't even know how to fight and that I don't know how much they teach them.

[391] I don't know how much it's dedicated to hand -to -hand combat, but that would be your whole job.

[392] Hand -to -hand combat and how to hold onto your gun.

[393] That should be like all your training.

[394] Joey, the violent.

[395] It's true.

[396] Listen, man. I'm just aware.

[397] Was that taste?

[398] I'm just aware that there's some crazy motherfuckers out there.

[399] All right.

[400] Let's talk about showbiz a little.

[401] Yes.

[402] You just did the theater in, where were you just?

[403] Denver, the Paramount Theater in Denver.

[404] And how was that for you?

[405] Because I like interviewing you too Oh it was amazing You know Because now you're doing these big theaters Which you know It's all from everything you've been working on It's all from this podcast How great You know this podcast is And what you could do for yourself You know Because my whole thing Has always been about accomplishment in life And look what you're doing now I mean You know five years ago I think you were still in clubs Now you're doing these big theaters And you know Just two years ago It was mostly doing clubs And that's commendable I mean you're doing two three, four thousand seeders now and that's, of course, it is, because you're putting the working.

[406] So I'm proud of you.

[407] I got to say you, brother.

[408] Thank you very much.

[409] I mean, I had done some theaters in the past.

[410] Besides breaking limbs on cops in between, you go and do concerts, and that's a good thing.

[411] I just want to help the cops.

[412] No, I know you do.

[413] I know a lot of cops in MMA.

[414] I know a lot of cops because of Jiu -Jitsu.

[415] So I like when everybody, people shit on cops, I've always been one to defend cops.

[416] That's a really, really hard job.

[417] You know, I've talked to people.

[418] I've heard horror stories guys that are on the job and they're not trying to be assholes but if you you lived a life where your job all day people were lying to you all day people lying to you and trying to get away with shit that's like most of the time if you're talking to somebody they're lying when i was growing up there with three things they either wanted to be doing what i'm doing now a cop or an attorney and you know how i changed my mind on being a cop when i would take the train in brooklyn every day into manhattan what pricks people were just to fucking take a seat how they would just knock you out of the fucking way.

[419] I go, I don't want to protect these motherfuckers.

[420] I want to kill them.

[421] You know what I mean?

[422] So that changed my mind on that.

[423] You know, and the attorney, well, let's face it, my schooling just wasn't up to tall.

[424] But he's good.

[425] He's good at mitigating.

[426] I could dissect.

[427] I could dissect.

[428] Don't fight with him.

[429] Hell, it's horrible.

[430] Yeah.

[431] I know how to break it down like an attorney.

[432] Even when my kids, when they were really little, used to have like an argument, I'd take them in the living room.

[433] And I'd sit him down and I'd go, okay we're going to have the trial it was horrible oh remember we remember with the bathroom rack in my bathroom in the house that I let Eleanor Eleanor I'm Eleanor Elnery stay at No no no no Eleanor Valerie Eleanor all right Sometimes I call it Valanor and she's Ellery It gets fucked up So there was this towel rack in my bathroom And one day you know near the shower I come in and it's broken So you know I go to Max I go to Dylan I go well who broke the rack nobody's admitting it so now the trial has to happen you know and i just break down where they were what they were doing dylan was like that dylan it's still going on the trial's still going on it's eight years later i'm going to get to the bottom of it and then the punishment will happen because i'll break their towel rack but i like that max is staying quiet about it he's not he's not he's not ratting on his brother and he's not well listen because it would be max first of all max he knows he got a great roll of the dice.

[434] Yeah.

[435] Like, literally, literally.

[436] You got a great roll of the dice in life.

[437] Your father is Andrew Dice Clay.

[438] That's a fucking, you're already on awesome street from the jump.

[439] Well, you know, I mean?

[440] You know what does your dad do?

[441] Oh, my dad, oh, nothing.

[442] Just Andrew Dice Clay.

[443] You might have heard of them.

[444] No, but you can't put it that way because you can't put it that way because I always brought them up that I am dad.

[445] Yeah, well, you are.

[446] No, look, you are.

[447] And you are very humble and you're very normal.

[448] But you're still Andrew motherfucking Dice Clay.

[449] And I appreciate that.

[450] When you grow up having Andrew Dice Clay as a dad, that's pretty sweet.

[451] It's different.

[452] You know, that's not, you know, your dad.

[453] But now they're preparing, they're doing the special with me. That's right.

[454] Yeah, no. Red Man. I saw them do Red Man. What, Red Man?

[455] They did your show in, um, in, in, uh, in Vegas.

[456] Well, that's the Rehearsal.

[457] They're rehearsing.

[458] By the way, how great is the Riviera?

[459] Don't you love it?

[460] It's a goddamn, like, it's, it's like a cultural experience.

[461] They're fucking, they haven't changed those pictures in the walls and forever.

[462] They have these photos.

[463] from the Riviera from the 50s, the 60s, the 70s, the 80s.

[464] I mean, it's like a history lesson.

[465] It's incredible.

[466] What a great great place.

[467] That's why I like playing those older hotels.

[468] I love that place.

[469] You know, but they've redone it.

[470] So much character there.

[471] And the showroom still has that feel of like if you were in there.

[472] They actually shot casino in that hotel.

[473] Did they really?

[474] Yeah, the movie casino.

[475] Oh, that's right.

[476] You know, I stayed in the casino room when when, uh, yeah, Steve Sharpa used to book it.

[477] You used to stay upstairs in the two bedrooms.

[478] I'll put you in the Sinatra room.

[479] Yeah, the two floors.

[480] Joey, I got you in the a natural room Sharoop.

[481] He was a like a Shrip is the guy.

[482] It was the best.

[483] What a fucking great guy.

[484] He was running the Riviera.

[485] He would do all the comedy from the Riviera.

[486] He was so fun.

[487] I would so look forward to hanging out with him.

[488] But man, you do not fuck with that guy, man. I've seen that guy snap on people.

[489] Holy shit with some asshole threw his cigarette on the carpet.

[490] And Sharip is a big fucking guy.

[491] He got him.

[492] Hey, asshole.

[493] Pick that fucking butt up.

[494] You do this shit in your house in front of your mother.

[495] You fucking piece of shit Pick it up The fuck out of it He brings it to a giant guy And he brought it to 10 Immediately You could not be an asshole Around Shrippa I love people With a short fuse Well you can tell Sharipa is seeing some real live violence He kicks it up to a level That lets you know He's not a faker's level That's a level He's willing to take it to a dark place A dark place Right quick I know I can always smell dudes who are just ready to take it to DefCon 4 And Sharper is one of those You don't want to fuck with that guy That's no bullshit He's a great guy though I never had a problem with him I always love talking to him He's such a fun guy He's a hilarious guy He could easily done stand -up He's doing it now He should be doing it He could have easily been doing it I know I tell you know I had this great talk with Sharper When he was on Sopranos Like you know Almost like the talk we had years ago only about like why aren't you setting yourself up for like an ABC sitcom he was perfect for it right like to play a father yeah and now eleanor's telling me well he's first doing it now well i mean now yeah he's he's doing a lot of because i thought he was you know even though he played a gangster on sopranos you could see he's not a gangster you could see he could be a regular nice guy well he played the the guy that he played was like really demure yeah exactly different than him as a he's a really good actor for playing that party i mean tom green didn't do standup until I told him when we did apprentice I go so you're going to hit the road I figured he did stand up he goes I don't do stand up I go what the fuck you're doing on the show then you know what I mean what are you doing what are you trying for here he's doing and then he started the stand up yeah now right after that he started and never came home people are scared to stand up some people don't like it you know what I mean I got to be honest I'm a week away from shooting this special and I know I know my shit down pat now but you start thinking do I really know it yeah because once you're out there, you're alone.

[496] It's you in the audience and that's what it's about.

[497] Do you do one show or two shows when you film a special?

[498] I'm going to tape two shows.

[499] I really only wanted to do one, but showtime wanted me to do the two because I'd rather have my back against the wall and have to come out swinging.

[500] Because I feel like I've been a fighter waiting in the cage to go fight.

[501] You know what I mean?

[502] This is two years in the making this special and it is a New Year's Eve special and, you know, I should say where I'm doing it.

[503] We're doing it in Chicago.

[504] What's the theater?

[505] The Arcata Theater.

[506] The Arcata Theater.

[507] A -R -C -A -D -A theater.

[508] And it's actually going to be my last special.

[509] You know, and not because I'm an old man. I'm going to tour.

[510] And, you know, I got other plans for movies.

[511] And I got a book coming out by, not this year, like into the early part of next year.

[512] So there's a lot I got to do.

[513] So I just want to really do one more special that I feel I really owe myself, you know, and fans.

[514] And really just fucking bang them over there.

[515] head with this shit and you know just go out a winner can I make a prediction I'm gonna make a prediction alright you the special that you're doing this upcoming special in Chicago at the Arcata Theater will create the resurgence that will make it impossible for you to not do another special because when people realize how funny what you're doing is when people realize like what people are starting to like remember how fucking funny and hilarious some of your shit was.

[516] And when we went to see that special or whatever you did, what version of you did in Vegas, that version is going to kick people's dick right into the dirt.

[517] That shit was fucking one of the better.

[518] That's why I talk about my respect for you as a comic, because you're in that thing that I'm in, the kind of comedy you do, whatever we call out genre, whatever the fuck it is.

[519] Balls out.

[520] When you say it to me, I believe you.

[521] Oh, you know what I mean?

[522] You heard me laugh at it.

[523] You know what?

[524] I'm telling you, the things you're doing and what I'm doing, we've got to team up, we've got to do some shows.

[525] I would love to do some shows.

[526] You know what I mean?

[527] Just me and you.

[528] When I was an open micer, dude, I used to listen to your cassette.

[529] Your cassette in my fucking car.

[530] I would listen to it on the way to gigs.

[531] And I told you, I'll never forget this guy, Mike Donovan, in the back of the comedy connection in Boston, crying laughing, tears coming down his eyes, crying laughing, listening to the day the laughter died, doing your impression, your impression of doing Nixon in a girl's, ass and he's crying laughing and I'll never forget that I never forget that that was to me like as an up -and -coming comedian I was just like starting on and I was like listening to this like established Boston comedian just laughing he was going he was fucking crying tears were coming down his eyes it was so silly to him it was so great well the thing is you have that effect too and that's why we'd be great together and it's funny anytime I want to do shows with another what we'd call headliner stars it's always hard because of, like, egos, who goes on after who.

[532] And I'm like, you know, just like we talked about fighting last time, that you'd be the only guy in comedy I wouldn't want to fight because there's no way to walk away a winner in something like that.

[533] Oh, I would fight him.

[534] No, I wouldn't fight him.

[535] You know what I mean?

[536] I mean, if I had to, I mean, if you pushed the buttons.

[537] Eleanor would be like a wild cat in the room.

[538] But nobody's going home saying, I didn't get hurt.

[539] You know what I mean?

[540] So he's that guy.

[541] So it would be the same thing.

[542] If we were working together, like, he would be the only guy them going, you know what, if he's got to close the show, let him close the show because he's a fucking animal.

[543] You know what I mean?

[544] You know, most comics can't go on after me. You know, so I don't even know how it would work, but either way, it would be fine by me. I would do it anyway and I would be honored.

[545] It would be so fun.

[546] I wouldn't.

[547] Yeah, but I'm saying, I don't know if I want to go on after you.

[548] Because you really, you know, when you get that first shot at the crowd, it's like you don't have the pressure to close the show.

[549] That happened when I did a show with that fucking Bill this asshole that um that that you know and and I wanted to do the show this is the last the last time you know I did over you know what happened 300 arena shows okay no I'm going to tell you what happened I did over 300 arena shows right this before computers this before really hard ticket sales so in 2000 when I was going back to the garden you know I was thinking who could open that show for me and I saw a special from Bill Maher when he does his regular stand -up, he's a filthy, dirty pig like I am on stage, okay?

[550] So I call Bill and I say, you know what, you've always been great with me, you know, when I come on your politically incorrect show, whether it was on MTV or ABC or whenever he did it, I would always do it and he was great.

[551] So I said, so why don't you do, I went back to the garden in 2000.

[552] I said, why don't you do the garden with me?

[553] And he goes, well, I'm not an opening act.

[554] I go, I'm not calling you as an opening act.

[555] I go, I'm calling, we'll co -headline, everything's equal.

[556] And the bottom line, he was afraid to do it, I could tell.

[557] And so we decide, I said, we'll go somewhere else in the country and see how it works.

[558] So we pick Phoenix, the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix.

[559] So I'm going to close the show, right?

[560] Jim Norton's going to open it.

[561] I'm going to go on at the end, and Bill will go on after Norton.

[562] So two days before the show, my agent calls me up, and he's like, I got a call from his people saying he wants to.

[563] to close the show.

[564] And I just said, you know what, that's up to him.

[565] I don't care.

[566] I go, all these fucking guys are the same.

[567] It's unbelievable.

[568] I go, if he wants to go on after me, let him go on after me. Good luck, bitch.

[569] No, I'm going to tell you what happened.

[570] So the night of the show, you know, I'm already on stage, you know, because Norton went up, and now, like I'm telling you, I feel no pressure to close the show.

[571] So I do the kind of, I go fucking nuts.

[572] And Bill actually shows up as I'm doing the show.

[573] And he sees this crowd going fucking ballistic.

[574] So now it's time for him to go on.

[575] And, you know, he sets up on the stage, he sets up on the stage a music stand with cardboard notes of his act.

[576] So now he's brought on stage.

[577] He's brought on stage.

[578] I'm behind the curtain watching and he freezes.

[579] I mean, really freezes.

[580] He doesn't talk.

[581] And I'm back there going fucking say something.

[582] You know, Like, I'm there.

[583] He gets booed off the stage in four fucking minutes.

[584] Now he's in his dressing room doing whatever he's doing to relax himself.

[585] So he had only gone on stage for four minutes?

[586] Four minutes.

[587] He comes off, but now the promoter comes.

[588] He goes, I don't want to give money back.

[589] We've got to get this guy back on stage.

[590] So I go in the dressing room.

[591] I'm talking to him as he's doing whatever he's doing.

[592] And I said, Bill, you know, it's rock and roll comedy, man. Just go out there.

[593] And he starts going up the steps.

[594] start screaming, I'm a fucking monologist.

[595] And I want to look at him and go, well, what the fuck am I?

[596] Because I'm in a leather, I'm not a monologist.

[597] Yeah, right?

[598] You know, so he goes on and maybe a third of the crowd is left, right?

[599] Right.

[600] And this asshole, after every joke, they're like, the audience is taking pot shots.

[601] You fucking suck.

[602] Asshole.

[603] And then you see him run to the camera that he was filming his set to get the tape.

[604] Because I would have loved to have that.

[605] fucking tape and after the show he's making all the excuses and I want to say asshole why on earth would you ever want to follow a guy that that's done the fucking Rose Bowl you're not that kind of fucking performer but I let him off the hug because he was fucking frazzled and he was just trying to save face you know but he's a terrible douchebag that's a terrible ego move that's a terrible when I see him on his show with the politically incorrect I look at him like yeah we really know who you are, don't we?

[606] That's how I look at this guy.

[607] Like, you got no fucking chops.

[608] You just got no fucking chops.

[609] But see, I would do a show with you knowing you're going in front of me, knowing you're going to fucking kill him, because that just brings me up.

[610] Now I got a right.

[611] It's just like doing this movie, doing this movie, I'm up against Alec Baldwin, Kate Blanchett, Sally Hawkins.

[612] These are fucking Academy nominees, Golden Globe winners.

[613] And I'm going, you're just going to have to.

[614] rise to the fucking occasion.

[615] The better the actor, the better my work's going to be.

[616] The same thing with the better...

[617] Like, Norton was probably the best opening act they ever had as a guy.

[618] I got you.

[619] Because I will say, Eleanor to me, is the best female stand -up in the country.

[620] She just needs that exposure now.

[621] But Norton would come on and fucking slay the crowd.

[622] Every time all fucking day long.

[623] He's the only show I went to over the last four years to just sit and go to the show and watch him work.

[624] And I sat through two shows and he was just great.

[625] Yeah, I saw him in Austin.

[626] He was fucking phenomenal.

[627] Yeah, he's a great, great, he's one of the great comics of today.

[628] You know what I mean?

[629] Yes, definitely.

[630] And again, it's the same sort of ridiculous, fucking over -exaggerated, hilarious kind of stand -up comedy.

[631] Very, very dirty, very out there.

[632] But, you know, it's a fucking legitimate art form.

[633] It really pisses me off when guys like you or guys like Norton or anybody who does something that's particularly dirty.

[634] or crass, whatever, that it doesn't get as much respect.

[635] It's so stupid.

[636] They say it's easy to do it.

[637] Well, no, this is my point.

[638] They're denying that it's hilarious.

[639] They're trying to pretend like, well, the other way is harder to do so it's better.

[640] Well, that's not true.

[641] Just because it's harder to make something clean and clever, doesn't mean it's better.

[642] Because guess what, the dirty stuff makes me laugh.

[643] It doesn't mean I don't have intellectual interests.

[644] It comes to comedy.

[645] That shit is a legitimate fucking art form.

[646] I was just that, you know, like I said, I've been.

[647] going all over the country, preparing the special service, just the governor's.

[648] And you know governor, you've been there.

[649] Everybody's been there.

[650] Everybody's been there.

[651] So after the show, the owner's Mark and James, they say to me, we voted you tonight the biggest laughs that ever happened in this room.

[652] So I don't care, dirty, clean, the biggest laughs that ever happened.

[653] And that's the bottom line, laughing.

[654] And let me tell you something about dirty, um, it's not so dirty when you're talking about everything that goes on in life.

[655] in a comedic, cartoonish way.

[656] Yeah, yeah.

[657] You know, I mean, Eleanor became great because she's facing the hardest crowds to face.

[658] Right.

[659] I would think your crowds are the other hardest crowds to face.

[660] You have animal audiences, real people, blue -collar people coming to see you perform.

[661] And they were, yeah, right?

[662] Yeah, they're hardcore.

[663] I mean, the first time she worked at Westbury with me, she got booed off.

[664] Why don't you have to bring that up?

[665] No, because what I admired about it is she was really green.

[666] This is, shut up.

[667] Shut up your mouth.

[668] You took a 15 minute intermission.

[669] I am trying to say something nice about you.

[670] Defend my honor.

[671] I am defending.

[672] So, but the fact that she was doing comedy three months and had the balls to face that fucking crowd was where I gave her the respect.

[673] And now she goes out and she just slays the crowd because they've been the hardest crowds.

[674] It's the, it's like basic training when you open for me. Because they don't want you.

[675] So I could imagine.

[676] You want to hear him.

[677] That's it.

[678] Well, you know, what's funny, because of the podcast, all the people that work with me in the road are all my friends from the podcast.

[679] It's all Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir and Duncan Trussell and Brendan Walsh.

[680] I love Trussell.

[681] He loves Duncan.

[682] I love Duncan.

[683] The fucking puppet.

[684] The puppet, the puppet, little hobo.

[685] How funny is that?

[686] When he does that thing with the thing and they say like, Pink Floyd, wish you were here.

[687] Yeah, with the fucking prayer.

[688] That's genius.

[689] One night he did it.

[690] I wanted to fucking throw him such a beating because he didn't put his heart into it.

[691] And I sat there through the whole fucking act.

[692] waiting for the puppet to turn into the devil, whatever, with the prayer and see people running from the showroom.

[693] And he didn't do it the way I wanted.

[694] And I was like, I fucking told you, do the fucking prayer.

[695] I go, if I'm going to sit in a room and watch you, I want to see the fucking prayer.

[696] The prayer.

[697] I don't care.

[698] I like my whole act, Eleanor, going on stage at two in the morning.

[699] But that's when people would stay out late.

[700] People are sleeping on their fucking table.

[701] That's right.

[702] And that's how you, I even tell Max, that?

[703] I go, when you play these places like Mardi's and there's five people, who gives a fuck about who's sitting there.

[704] Just work your bits because if you can work the silence, the laughs are going to be easy.

[705] Me and Kennison were on every night back to back between one and two in the morning.

[706] We were the last two out.

[707] This is before you ever came out to L .A. and the crowd whoever was there walked out knowing they saw something special.

[708] You know, it wasn't just one after the other.

[709] Well, my parents, who gives a fuck if they You know what I mean?

[710] You know, dude a real fucking, like my son Max when he's putting bits together.

[711] You know, I say certain things when I do on stage are very like, you know, out there and it's just for the effect of making them laugh.

[712] And other things, like when I talk about these new generation pigs and how they are, you know, the generation...

[713] You know, years ago, like I'd always...

[714] I always knew what slobs women were in bed.

[715] Right, Illinois?

[716] Yes.

[717] Yeah, because...

[718] That was weird.

[719] Here she is.

[720] You know, but, put that right on me. But, you know, 20 years ago, they didn't want to admit to the pigs that they are.

[721] Today, they're so aggressive, it's so much material to talk about on stage.

[722] Like, when I get a friend calling me and going, so I went out with this girl, I wound up doing everything to her that when I banged her ass, she looked at me and said, I used to be really good at this.

[723] I'm thinking, what, take it a jiffy lube?

[724] You know what I mean?

[725] The guy is like, no, but because.

[726] Because a girl 20 years ago would never look back at you and say, I used to be good at this.

[727] At taking it in the name.

[728] No, at anything.

[729] They would just, if they even did that, they wouldn't even talk about it.

[730] Today, they're almost giving you a fucking checklist of what they will and won't do.

[731] And you feel like the chick that the next day, after you've done everything to them, my friend's going, so I call the girl, you know, the call to like say, how you doing today.

[732] She's going, I'll call you back in a few.

[733] and it's been three fucking days.

[734] Like, she did everything and couldn't care less about it.

[735] That sounds like a dude who didn't fuck her correctly.

[736] No, no, let me tell you something.

[737] He missed something.

[738] He didn't follow the GPS properly.

[739] Let me tell you something.

[740] I went to a fucking ton of them between Eleanor and Valerie.

[741] You know, just one after the other.

[742] Load after fucking load.

[743] I'm not even doing material.

[744] It just sounds like, in between Eleanor and meeting my wife.

[745] It was a revolving door.

[746] You know, that even Max nearly got the best.

[747] bang one of them, you know, which, you know, which, which was ridiculous.

[748] And, um, I set them up with some people.

[749] No, but, but what I'm saying is, so I saw what was out there.

[750] And, and it's like, you know, they really do that.

[751] I don't care how good you are in bed.

[752] A girl could just bang a guy and the next day, forget it.

[753] Like we used to do, have a one night stand.

[754] That's how they look at it now.

[755] It's definitely a different world.

[756] Oh, my God.

[757] It's a harder world.

[758] Yeah, it's a different word.

[759] The age of information, because of the fact that they can get on their phone and watch someone taking the ass.

[760] They grew up on porn.

[761] You can't stop them.

[762] They grew up on fucking porn.

[763] Girls today at 19 feel if they didn't post a picture of their asshole lips on the internet, they're not as hip as their fucking girlfriends are.

[764] It's true.

[765] You know how they say, you know how they say like being four.

[766] You know how they say being 40 years old?

[767] Now I know what my new profile picture will be.

[768] Being 40 years old is like the new 30.

[769] I think anybody who says that's an asshole.

[770] No, no. But you know how they do that?

[771] Like green is the new blue.

[772] The asshole has become the new pussy.

[773] It's the new fucking pussy.

[774] It's like, come on.

[775] What happened to the pussy?

[776] Because they blow it out of control.

[777] I guess people don't want to get everybody pregnant.

[778] They blow it out of control, Joey.

[779] They blow it out of what am I going to do?

[780] They want to fuck and they don't want to get anybody pregnant.

[781] Yeah, but that's disgusting.

[782] I don't want to get pregnant.

[783] It's too bad.

[784] It's not an extra vagina.

[785] It's like you have a baby, make a vagina and then, you know.

[786] It's 2012.

[787] What you're going to do is take that pill.

[788] And then the asshole.

[789] we would just leave it alone.

[790] But we wouldn't even live it alone.

[791] Morning after pill.

[792] the morning after pill.

[793] I have a thousand of those in my dresser.

[794] Oh, how dare you?

[795] Fucking Eleanor.

[796] Fucking Eleanor.

[797] Fucking Eleanor is got a big date.

[798] She's got a big date set in Vegas now.

[799] What did you say that?

[800] Eleanor's going to be opening the show in Chicago.

[801] We got to talk about that.

[802] because I'm very excited about it.

[803] And we have L .A. rocks.

[804] Yeah, the band's going to be opening up the show also in Chicago.

[805] This is L .A. kicks that baritone down a couple of natches when he gets on the I don't think I'm not.

[806] L .A. Rocks.

[807] We just picked up the drumskin, right?

[808] Just got the drum skin a few minutes ago.

[809] The first official L .A. Rock's Drumskin.

[810] I think it's so cool that you have this show where you, you know, it's like you're traveling with family, you know.

[811] And I think that's a really important aspect of the road.

[812] And that's one of the things that's made it big for me is that when I do these shows, like with Joey Diaz or with Duncan Trussler or these guys are my family.

[813] They're my friends.

[814] We've been friends for a decade plus and we always will be.

[815] So when we go on the road together, it's just.

[816] It's your family.

[817] family.

[818] It's all, yeah, we're all, but Eleanor's real family.

[819] She really is.

[820] But you know what I mean?

[821] You don't want to, you don't want to hassle.

[822] I mean, how long do I know you now?

[823] Oh my God, like almost 19 years, almost 20 years.

[824] For the folks who don't know.

[825] Eleanor was the funniest waitress ever at the comedy store and everybody tried to talk to you.

[826] I don't know if I tried to talk you in a dude.

[827] I know everybody.

[828] You did.

[829] Everybody did.

[830] Joe, I was engaged in this fucking girl, right?

[831] And I would tell her.

[832] That's an awesome way to say.

[833] Do you know where he asked me to marry him?

[834] I'm in the fucking parking lot of the comedy store.

[835] Oh, no. This shit.

[836] Hollow ground.

[837] You know why?

[838] You know why?

[839] This is what happens, right?

[840] We break up, we're broken up for six weeks, right?

[841] Now I get the call because, because, because I was having all these fights at the comedy store for like about six, seven months.

[842] I was under a lot of pressure from the ex -wife with the kids and everything going on.

[843] Kids are fine.

[844] We have a blast together.

[845] If somebody fucked with me, I would get physical.

[846] You know, it came, that was one time I was kicking this guy's head in the front of the store.

[847] the cops it was crazy so now um fucking uh dom ira and no shut up see what I mean she goes hey hey you guys had like a confrontation no no but Dom has always you know since since the day I took off it was always and I love Dom as a comic he's a great he's one of the great comics but he would always bring up that I'm Jewish like like like a Jew can't be good looking from Brooklyn and have a fucking attitude if he's not Italian right so he would go on radio shows and say my last name Why are you bringing this up?

[848] No, I'm telling you what happened.

[849] But Eleanor is really great friends with Dom, which is fine.

[850] As am I. But now one night, you know, I've had a couple things happen with Dom where he did this Jew thing, and I'd have to get in his face and straighten him out.

[851] But without violence, right?

[852] Right.

[853] So now a couple years goes by.

[854] Now I'm on stage in the original room, just working on material on a Monday night.

[855] I'm not on for more than 15 minutes.

[856] And here comes Dom, and I want to make fun of him.

[857] and he's going, when are you going to be done?

[858] He's interrupting me now.

[859] And you know what?

[860] You don't interrupt somebody that's done what I've done.

[861] We're not at the Comedy Factory outlet anymore.

[862] You're not even in my fucking league.

[863] You know what I mean?

[864] And he's going, when are you getting...

[865] I go, Dom, do yourself a favor, get out of the room.

[866] I'm trying to help you here.

[867] Just get the fight.

[868] And he keeps going.

[869] And I said, you know what?

[870] You want me to come off the stage?

[871] I'm coming off the fucking stage.

[872] And I come after him.

[873] And I get him at the front booth at a comedy store.

[874] And he makes the mistake of...

[875] touching me and I slam him against the wall as his head breaks a fucking one of the eight by tens on the wall and I'm going to bash his face him but Rari jumps on me and Steve Renazizi jumps on me and Steve Simone jumps on me and then this fucking asshole wants to walk by me and go I'm funnier than you so now I got to grab him by the back of his jacket I pull him back I'm like why the fuck would you even put yourself in the same league with me you're a fucking club hack.

[876] That's all you are.

[877] I played the biggest fucking places in the world.

[878] Get the fuck out of this place.

[879] I throw him down the steps, right?

[880] Well, now I'm in the back, and I'm actually angry at her because she has broken up about five fights at the comedy store.

[881] He's going through too much personal stuff.

[882] Let me finish.

[883] So Steve Simone, I go, where the fuck was Eleanor?

[884] Because I can't lift my hands to anybody.

[885] If he didn't touch me, I couldn't have done anything.

[886] So she goes, she said, let him work it out themselves.

[887] I did not.

[888] I'm telling you what the fuck he said.

[889] I'll tell you what the fuck happened.

[890] All right.

[891] So now, so now the next morning, me and Eleanor have the fight over this.

[892] So, you know, she leaves, slams the door, we're broken up, six weeks goes by.

[893] Now she calls me and says, I'm moving to New York.

[894] Okay?

[895] So I'm actually going to pick up Dylan who's doing Hebrew lessons.

[896] And me and Max are talking about it.

[897] And I go, all right, we can't let her leave.

[898] So I got into a comedy story.

[899] I said, So let's get married.

[900] Let's just get married.

[901] Forget the fight.

[902] You know what I mean?

[903] So we, you know, we do like an instant, you know, engagement, you know, and that's how we got engaged.

[904] Well, you, you pull, you're, you know, she's sticking up.

[905] She's sticking up for dumb.

[906] That's why I always mean.

[907] That when you're going with a girl, every comic in the world was calling her.

[908] That's not what it's about.

[909] And I go, look, I'm your fucking guy.

[910] I don't give a fuck about Dom.

[911] He's a nice guy.

[912] He's a good comic.

[913] But when it comes to anything.

[914] between me and you.

[915] We're the couple.

[916] I'm the one on top of you pummeling away every night.

[917] You're not dumb.

[918] Not dumb.

[919] You're not looking at a fucking facet and fucking face.

[920] It had a lot to do it.

[921] It had a lot to do it.

[922] It's Max.

[923] Wait, time out.

[924] Why are you so high -ro?

[925] I'm not high -ball.

[926] I want to fight this out.

[927] You have to let us fight this out because he started.

[928] No, first of all, it has nothing to do with that.

[929] I got out fucking special.

[930] You were going through personal shit.

[931] And so it was affecting every night at the store.

[932] Everything.

[933] Everything.

[934] And so when I quit, I thought that be better and then we did live together for a year but didn't work out our engagement it's fine i'm your sister wife now no she's the greatest girl in the world i love her i'm best friends with his wife yeah that's so bizarre he's one of the greatest guys in the world he was just literally and he truly you know that that's a bizarre scenario that i went out with him yeah first of all my mother's still not over it but it's fine i'm kidding on dice of claire yeah it's ridiculous because it's not easy to score the captain of the cheerleys you want to know something i always thought elinor was a nice girl never made moves towards her and when I actually started coming on to her all she knew I was happily married with two kids you know she actually was was babysitting my kids in Vegas when they were like once no but how old were they at the time Dylan was how old Dylan was like two I was like six so max is six yeah you know so I mean you know I would do anything in the world fell in or we we are family I do you know and uh but but that's how it came down so I was just aggravated that out of all the arguments and fights I was getting at in the comedy store that she didn't come back me up on the IRA fight.

[935] P .S. And nothing against Dom.

[936] You know, because Dom did have the balls.

[937] I got a lot of respect from him because after the fight, all of a sudden here comes Dom into the kitchen and I'm standing next to Alonan on now and I'm coming down from the whole thing.

[938] And he goes, Dice, I want to talk to you.

[939] And I'm like, Dom, it's the biggest mistake you can make coming near me now.

[940] And he kept coming and in my mind I'm going, if this guy has the guts to get within arm's reach, I'm going to talk to him.

[941] And then we spoke, you know, we talked it out for two hours and, you know, and we haven't talked since.

[942] But anything, it's all good.

[943] Listen, I love both of you.

[944] And I love Dom, I rarely like a brother.

[945] No, Dom, you know.

[946] Dom can be a little hostile, though, on occasion, especially if it feels disrespected.

[947] And let me tell you something, if Dom was a different way, you know, we won the same special with Rodney.

[948] See, with Dom, I got a history with Dom because when I used to do Philly as a struggling comic.

[949] I would always headline the Comedy Factory Outlet.

[950] And Dom is from Philly.

[951] I was from Brooklyn.

[952] So, Clay Heary, who owned the club, would have booked Dom a lot of times to open the show for me. So all the way from then to the Rodney special, and then I just blew up from the Rodney special, and he started right away with the, like, to me, anti -Semitic bullshit.

[953] Because if he didn't, he would have been the perfect opening act for all those arenas.

[954] Why did everybody assume that you're accent was an Italian thing.

[955] Why did it...

[956] Because of my look.

[957] You know what I mean?

[958] I'm not...

[959] You know, when you think of a Jew, you know, you think of, you think of like an ARI.

[960] You know what I mean?

[961] God, God forget.

[962] And Ari knows that.

[963] You know what I mean?

[964] Poor.

[965] If you are a decent looking person with an attitude, unlike Ari, immediately you're an Italian guy.

[966] But what was hilarious is like, what Italian do you know that wears a giant motorcycle jacket with the collar?

[967] Like, the whole thing is so...

[968] Well, it's more about the attitude.

[969] People have Italian.

[970] I've always had a certain attitude.

[971] Right, but it's more of a New York thing than it is an Italian thing, but for whatever reasons...

[972] But people think it in that way.

[973] Right.

[974] Yeah, Italians have clung onto that.

[975] I would see arguments go on between two men about my mother being Italian.

[976] You know, and I would go, no, she's Jewish.

[977] She's my mother.

[978] I would know, and they'd be like dice.

[979] And these are like gangster guys going, you don't know what you're talking about.

[980] This is between me and him.

[981] Is it like Pips?

[982] But it's my mother.

[983] I know what my mother is.

[984] Where was this?

[985] You know, this is in Brooklyn.

[986] This was at a flea market that they turned a Sears department store into a flea market.

[987] So I go there like every Saturday because I love to shop and buy cotton things and, you know, wristbands, sweats, sweatshirts, sweat socks.

[988] I couldn't buy enough of them and it was all booths.

[989] You know what I mean?

[990] And I love going there.

[991] And this is when I was doing like Nassau Coliseum, so people would freak out that I'm there so all these fights would start because the minute I'd be around guys they would turn their attitudes on like they had a like out dice it was crazy in Brooklyn for me but I love it Whenever you get around any young men looking to prove themselves and you're a 50 year olds I was 30 you know what I mean and going dice you don't understand I know your mother for 25 years I go but I know her since I was born I was bar mitzvit They cut half my dick off when I was born.

[992] I had a bris.

[993] They wanted to claim you.

[994] It was hysterical, you know.

[995] You know, but, you know, in this order.

[996] But it's never, it's not like, you know, you ever said that you were Italian.

[997] It's not like anything you ever hid.

[998] No. It's just for whatever reason they claimed it for like a little while.

[999] Sure, but he's mocking at Cadence in Brooklyn.

[1000] So they assume, oh.

[1001] But, you know, I grew up in a neighborhood.

[1002] It was all Jews and Italians.

[1003] That's what I grew up with.

[1004] Well, but the thing that disturbs me is, like, at living in your.

[1005] New York, I know a lot of Jews who talk exactly the same way.

[1006] You want to know what's funny?

[1007] It's not a thing that only Italians talk about that actually.

[1008] It was funny, Redmond.

[1009] It was the Irish guys.

[1010] It was the Irish guys that would, that I'd fight.

[1011] That would put me in the hospital all the time.

[1012] And then that's what I wind up.

[1013] My ex -wife is Irish.

[1014] Fucking Eleanor's Irish.

[1015] I grew up with a lot of Irish dudes who have been I had a friend who had his finger bitten off in a street fight when he's on PCP and he had his toe cut off.

[1016] Why wouldn't he be, right?

[1017] He had his toe cut off to replace the finger, and he had it permanently bent so he could keep throwing his right hook.

[1018] So he would shake your hand.

[1019] He was on PCP.

[1020] He might have cut his own finger roll.

[1021] When you would shake your hand, he would, uh, his finger would be like, tickling.

[1022] But he was a hell of a boxing coach.

[1023] Joe Lake.

[1024] Shout out to Joe Lake.

[1025] Joe Lake.

[1026] He's a great guy.

[1027] Joey.

[1028] He was a classic, awesome Irishman from Boston, like a real guy.

[1029] Like, if you made a movie about my friend Joe Lake.

[1030] he was a longshoreman who was a professional boxer a great boxing coach trained a bunch of great boxers and he was a fucking animal he was how is this like talking about fighting you don't know you don't know psychos like this guy no no i do my wife valery you know so you remind me to no no not psycho but just to shout out we're something sexy when you get to vegas tomorrow right well this is what that was you know what that was that was that was to make sure that she's listened did you listen to me no she she's you You didn't listen to me. What I said that thing to you?

[1031] You didn't listen to me?

[1032] No, she likes really, what were you doing?

[1033] And then we'll break it down.

[1034] She likes putting it together.

[1035] You know, the Mexican girls with the colors and the, oh, fuck it.

[1036] She's really beautiful, by the way.

[1037] I met her in Vegas.

[1038] Congrats, sir.

[1039] You've scored.

[1040] She's really beautiful.

[1041] I met her in Vegas and I was just, wow, blown her out of the water.

[1042] She's very good.

[1043] It's nice clay, bitch.

[1044] Thank you.

[1045] Respect.

[1046] Thank you.

[1047] I respect that compliment.

[1048] It's a good compliment.

[1049] But you didn't say anything dirty about it?

[1050] like when you walked away?

[1051] No, no, no. You want to do that, right?

[1052] I think you respect.

[1053] You too, Joe, right?

[1054] Never, never.

[1055] You know, because I would never say nothing about yours unless she was beautiful.

[1056] I'm not that kind of guy.

[1057] I don't think I ever met you, a girl.

[1058] No, I keep her away from you.

[1059] Are you married?

[1060] Are you married?

[1061] He has to keep her away from her.

[1062] Yeah, well, I heard she's beautiful.

[1063] She's stunning.

[1064] You know, she's a very nice person.

[1065] So once again, that's the most important thing, man, I've been around pretty girls before that weren't nice.

[1066] Yeah, but they've got to have the substance.

[1067] They've got to bullshit.

[1068] My wife is sweet.

[1069] She's smart.

[1070] She backs up my career with that.

[1071] I'm doing everything I'm doing because she told me to go do it.

[1072] That's beautiful.

[1073] It's that simple for me. In that case, relationships are always worth it.

[1074] So many of us settle for some sort of a weird combination of that and then an enemy that you live with.

[1075] That's how that gets real weird.

[1076] People get real weird with that, man. Well, a lot of times it's uneas in your life.

[1077] Even though me and Illinois broke up, we were never enemies.

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] We threw all of it.

[1080] Even when we broke up, we stayed friends.

[1081] Yeah, we had.

[1082] Yeah.

[1083] I think a lot of fighting between.

[1084] between people that you started off getting along good.

[1085] I just don't like when she interrupts me. You know, when I'm around other men.

[1086] You're interrupting him right now.

[1087] We're talking.

[1088] We're not interrupting.

[1089] Yeah, this is a, it's called conversation.

[1090] I don't know.

[1091] This is how guys do it.

[1092] Why is it that that's okay with us?

[1093] But people will listen to the podcast all the time and go, Dice interrupt you constantly.

[1094] I'm like, never going to interrupt it once.

[1095] Not even once.

[1096] We're just talking.

[1097] Yeah.

[1098] She goes to that high pitch.

[1099] Yeah.

[1100] I'll punch you right in the face.

[1101] You can't.

[1102] When you're all talking at the same time, nobody can predict who's going to be.

[1103] be talking or what's going to or something comes in your head you got to say it you got to go the flow of a conversation and that includes interrupting people we're not in a david mammot movie it doesn't have to like follow a fucking script but he's saying i can't talk to you because you two are men and i'm basically significant right don't understand i'll go smoke in your face doesn't bother me that much it bothers me only a little oh whatever bothers you girls i can say whatever i want it oddly because i love them and i'm trying to get them to I love him too.

[1104] I worry about him.

[1105] Well, you need Red Man. Listen, I love him.

[1106] He's a great friend.

[1107] If we do the road, that's where you break my balls with the cigarettes, because then you'll need me to be healthy.

[1108] I would, look, I, I've only hung out with you a few times, and I would sit down and have the conversation with you.

[1109] No, but you got, but I do love you.

[1110] You're a great guy.

[1111] I like being around you.

[1112] I love your act.

[1113] I respect you very much as an artist.

[1114] I think that poisoning your body with cigarettes is a stupid way to die.

[1115] Not only that, the way to die is ugly.

[1116] everybody's going to You don't understand It's a different way though Why did I start even smoking again?

[1117] Okay, I didn't smoke for 10 full years For 10 years he made me quit Do you remember I used to smoke?

[1118] When my father was on his last days I lit up So I'm only smoking a year It's not about an excuse It's just what happened I know but I'm not letting you know I am going to quit again But this is not the week it's happening Well you know what A guy like you You know what the fuck is best for you You're not a child Yeah and I would never tell you What to do or not to do Or give you advice him and Max as well we want him to quit No they're on me with it but they also understand what I'm going through and But also you know I got to respect Brian said something on the podcast the other day I said why do you like to smoke and he I love cigarette Pretty passionate about how great it feels And how much he loves it and how it's great after a meal And you know what I got to respect that as a human being He's got a right to make a choice And that choice is Yeah but I'm also smart enough That's why I did quit because I just didn't want to smoke anymore You know and I would hold an unlit cigarette I didn't care if people smoked around me. I just got to wean myself off of it again.

[1119] And when I quit, I won't even wean it.

[1120] You know, I'll just quit.

[1121] And that'll be it.

[1122] I bet I would enjoy it.

[1123] I bet I would enjoy the nicotine rush.

[1124] Stephen King said it was one of his biggest cognitive benefits.

[1125] Interesting.

[1126] That smoking gave him rather cognitive benefits and that he recognized a big difference when he quit smoking.

[1127] He said his brain was firing slower.

[1128] His creativity wasn't as rampant.

[1129] Which, you know, I'm sure I would like.

[1130] It's just not the moment, you know, for me right now.

[1131] I like cigars.

[1132] I enjoy a cigar.

[1133] See, and I hate cigars.

[1134] After a fat steak, there's nothing like chilling with a cigar after a fat steak.

[1135] Me and Kevin James have murdered some fucking steaks and smoke some fat Cuban cigars before.

[1136] It's a pleasure.

[1137] And it's a real buzz, too.

[1138] It's a kind of weird, mellow high.

[1139] It's not a high where you're worried about driving a car or anything like that.

[1140] You have total control of your senses.

[1141] But it's like a, but it's like a, ah, just a, it's a reason why people have been smoking cigars forever.

[1142] One hit off a cigar, I feel stoned.

[1143] Yeah, it makes it kind of stoned.

[1144] It does make you stoned.

[1145] It does make you high.

[1146] Well, you know, nicotine in its natural form, like in that form of tobacco that you get in a cigar, first of all, it's not as bad for you.

[1147] And second of all, it's used in shamanic rituals.

[1148] They use it in Peru and the Amazon and ayahuasca rituals.

[1149] The shamans will blow the tobacco smoke in your face in the middle of the psychedelic trip to create bigger and broader psychedelic experiences, like to actually instigate them.

[1150] So it's got psychoactive compounds.

[1151] You know, we had a guy on the podcast.

[1152] It's funny how he knows so much about it, though.

[1153] We had a guy on the podcast named Rob Wolf, who is the author of the Paleo Solution, and he said that people chew nicotine gum, and it really helps their creativity.

[1154] So, like, nicotine itself is probably beneficial in a lot of ways, and almost like a caffeine.

[1155] Like, it's not really wrong with it.

[1156] The real problem is a delivery method that's been designed to make sure that you're addicted.

[1157] It's the paper.

[1158] Well, it's not just the paper.

[1159] There's chemicals that's mixed into the tobacco that's designed.

[1160] If you've watched the movie The Insider, do you ever watch that movie?

[1161] Russell Crowe?

[1162] Yeah, it was great.

[1163] It was really based on a real story and based on how the tobacco industry has somehow another conned all these politicians into allowing them to do what they're doing, which is pumping thousands of fucking different chemicals.

[1164] I think it's 590 actually, 590 different chemicals are approved.

[1165] in every cigarette.

[1166] And that's what makes it addicted.

[1167] It's not thousands, but hundreds.

[1168] But that's an insane amount of number of chemicals.

[1169] It's, you think you're getting a cigarette.

[1170] You're getting like this chemically soaked leaf that's dried out.

[1171] It's basically the cigarette burning is inconsequential.

[1172] It's a delivery method for all these chemicals.

[1173] And so you can call it a cigarette.

[1174] And it kind of is.

[1175] But it's also kind of not.

[1176] It's kind of a delivery method for all these 590 different chemicals.

[1177] And most of them designed to make you addicted.

[1178] He opens his brain too much.

[1179] I don't know why you're not a college professor, you have all this information yeah but it's just stuff that I've read it's just stuff that I've read look I've done no research but you've read it and then you've also retained it like I've read well I only retain things that are important to me you mean you can ask me things about things that are important to me they don't even go in there I've like almost like a retard's brain I have it's very like half broken like things that I don't care about I don't care I don't give a once especially once I started making money I lost all my ability to care about shit I don't care about.

[1180] Like, you know, like, people will call me to get me to do things and I'm just fucking, I don't answer the phone.

[1181] I just disappear.

[1182] Yeah, it's amazing.

[1183] I was trying to call them this way.

[1184] I checked my phone off.

[1185] And I could get a text.

[1186] Good for you.

[1187] No, but I'd get like a text.

[1188] I'd be, you know, let me just call them rather than with the texting.

[1189] It never picks up.

[1190] No, that was because I was in my car.

[1191] I have a Porsche.

[1192] Oh, okay.

[1193] My Porsche is so loud.

[1194] It's a GT3.

[1195] It's one of those racing cars.

[1196] So when you drive, it's like, so that's what you hear.

[1197] It'd be like, Hey, Dice.

[1198] So you're doing a podcast.

[1199] It's a really juvenile, asinine car.

[1200] It's a total douchebag car.

[1201] If you look at the guy, you're like, what kind of douchebag needs to drive a car like this?

[1202] He asked me if I like the Porsche.

[1203] That's how I feel about the challenger.

[1204] Oh, it's a fucking tremendous car.

[1205] It's a big cock.

[1206] A big American cock.

[1207] What car would get me excited?

[1208] It is.

[1209] It's a big American cock.

[1210] What car would get Eleanor excited?

[1211] Cadillac.

[1212] Oh, yeah.

[1213] You know that.

[1214] She's a little.

[1215] No. With the big Cadillac, the Brombs.

[1216] Old school.

[1217] Those ones from the color of money.

[1218] I gave home one.

[1219] Paul Newman drove in the color of money.

[1220] I gave her one and she ruined it.

[1221] You shut your face.

[1222] I got one as a consolation prize.

[1223] When I left, I got a 95 Fleetwood Brome.

[1224] Which meant to you got one as a consolation prize and you left Dice Enterprises?

[1225] Yeah, I gave it to a. When I checked out a hotel California.

[1226] And figured she would be adult enough to know how to take care of it.

[1227] First of all, I, I, you know what I mean?

[1228] And she would just break it.

[1229] You broke it.

[1230] She broke.

[1231] She broke the mirror.

[1232] off the side.

[1233] You did that because you couldn't back up properly.

[1234] You were backing up as that in the house.

[1235] I didn't break the mirror.

[1236] I didn't break anything.

[1237] You were backing up in the driveway and you got it caught in the eye and you broke it off.

[1238] Max.

[1239] Okay.

[1240] Okay.

[1241] Okay.

[1242] Max.

[1243] We tried to figure it.

[1244] The audience at home is not going to give a fuck about who crashed your old car.

[1245] No, no, but it was in a big condition and she just fucking ruined that.

[1246] Like she ruins everything.

[1247] If that was my woman, I would say, listen, baby, we're rich.

[1248] Let's just fix this shit.

[1249] See?

[1250] No, but it was a good.

[1251] Joe knows how to treat a woman.

[1252] No, no, but I gave it to us so she'd have something to drive away.

[1253] By the way, those are very difficult to drive.

[1254] You know, that had a big trunk.

[1255] She was able to throw to boxes, you know, how they'd pack up.

[1256] It's a big trunk.

[1257] I love when they roll in this stuff and then they roll it out.

[1258] That's the best ball.

[1259] He did film.

[1260] He did film it.

[1261] He did film it.

[1262] He filmed me leaving.

[1263] Yeah, I filmed, you know, Joe, how I film.

[1264] So I was like, I know we're breaking up, but I got to get the shot.

[1265] I really enjoyed when I was working at the comedy store when you would do these, you would put on these little shows in the back and it would be for your own amusement.

[1266] And I was always like, what are he's going to do with all this stuff?

[1267] Just for your own amusement, he would have like, okay, now you're going to come running through the door.

[1268] Fuck you.

[1269] And you yelling at him.

[1270] Ari on the skateboard?

[1271] I was shooting a TV show, you know, and, you know, and, you know, I would shoot it while they were open.

[1272] You know what I mean?

[1273] Because I couldn't afford a set.

[1274] But he was all hand -held camera and it was all, it seemed like a lot of it was just spur in a moment.

[1275] If you, if you saw it, but it's not.

[1276] I'm really thinking about the episodes.

[1277] Okay.

[1278] So, you know, I wouldn't tell anybody what they were about.

[1279] I would say, this is what I need.

[1280] And sometimes like if we were in the comedy store, a kitchen, you know, there'd be a waitress that I didn't cast in the show.

[1281] So I would make me get out in the kitchen.

[1282] I'd say you can't be in the shot.

[1283] And she's like, but my.

[1284] drinks.

[1285] Yeah, I don't care about your drinks.

[1286] I'm trying to get my shot here.

[1287] Like, I don't know I had a fist fight with wheels in the kitchen one time, where wheels is smacking her head against the...

[1288] Are you the only guy who employs wheels these days?

[1289] I don't see wheels doing standoff.

[1290] Wheels, I don't see him, I never see him doing stand -up.

[1291] Well, he's doing...

[1292] Go to his website.

[1293] He's in Vegas now.

[1294] He's in Vegas, and he's in the other place.

[1295] Who was responsible for that clip that he used to have where he claimed that he got his stardom in fame after he blew you off stage one night at a club?

[1296] Well, that's brilliant.

[1297] That's very wheelsy.

[1298] That's very wheelie.

[1299] No, but Wheels was sort of pushed into things years ago.

[1300] Well, we...

[1301] By other people.

[1302] It had nothing to do with him.

[1303] So someone else wrote that for him.

[1304] Well, no, he was made to do that.

[1305] Wheels told me he was like a professional pool player.

[1306] Yeah, he is.

[1307] Wheels.

[1308] I don't believe that.

[1309] I'm on Joe's side on that.

[1310] We went to, so we worked in San Diego.

[1311] I said, okay, I play a lot of pool too.

[1312] Because I play a lot of pool.

[1313] I collect pool cues by famous makers.

[1314] I have a professional table in my house.

[1315] I play in tournaments.

[1316] I play a lot of pool.

[1317] So like, so, so, Wills tells me that he plays professional pool.

[1318] So I said, well, what's fuck around?

[1319] Just play a dollar game.

[1320] $25 later, I'm like, dude, you can't play pool.

[1321] You can't fucking play pool.

[1322] He lied.

[1323] He can barely make a couple of balls.

[1324] No, but he's not a professional level pool player.

[1325] but he is a professional liar.

[1326] he's really no let me tell you something didn't didn't trick me 25 games in well you know by the way he still owes me that money of course oh but that's wheels but he's a funny come put it on his he's a funny dude to be around no he's one of the funniest guys I he's a silly dude and a good dude I don't mean anything bad but it's a true story you can't you can't fuck with me on the pool table you can't fuck with anybody you shouldn't lie about anything well that was the most ridiculous shit ever let me tell you say that you can play when I went to Vegas the last few times I would be like wheels you want to hang out at night you know and he goes i can't you know because of what i'm doing right now i go what are you doing he goes well i'm doing the inspirational talks he was hired from some company he put on a suit and tie five in the morning he's getting dressed and show up and do these inspirational talks and get paid for it and he was getting it from the gary what's that movie you love oh glengarry Glenmore Yeah.

[1327] That's where he'd get his monologues from.

[1328] So he steal the speech?

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] Oh my God.

[1331] He's a genius.

[1332] Oh my God.

[1333] And make a lot of money doing it.

[1334] How the fuck did anybody not know?

[1335] Then he's got his catering company.

[1336] He's got a catering company called the Canoli Kings.

[1337] And I heard his catering is very good, by the way.

[1338] Which is gigantic in L .A. And then he'll just move to South Carolina for a year.

[1339] And then I call him up.

[1340] I go, what's going on?

[1341] He goes, well, we're in Vegas.

[1342] I go, doing what?

[1343] He goes, we moved here.

[1344] And then he opens a comedy club.

[1345] And then he becomes an inspirational speaker.

[1346] Next thing you know, you're walking down the street and he's got one of those meat trucks that he started.

[1347] You know, he, you know, wheels are the, wheels got a couple nicknames.

[1348] One of them is wheels.

[1349] One of them is angles.

[1350] Here, look, look, look at what you're saying.

[1351] Look at this.

[1352] Here he is.

[1353] There he is.

[1354] A number one chef in the country.

[1355] Well, he is a good cook, though.

[1356] No, he brought some of the names.

[1357] food to the comedy store and it's fucking bang it's just so funny like what he's doing he's such a character he's such a character it's fucking but he's a very good cook you know very good cook whatever the fuck he brought to the comedy store he brought a bunch i was cocktailing for him at one of the canola king parties you shut your face and i was cocktail and he goes uh he goes listen uh i i was screaming on i go hey wheels we need more whatever he goes uh can you call me chef i can't call him yeah she would work for him can't call me chef yeah chef i'm like And it's wrong with being wheels, man. He would do these...

[1358] He goes, it's professional.

[1359] No, Joe, he would do these gigantic parties.

[1360] Technically, he was trying to be professional.

[1361] Yeah, but there's nothing wrong with wheels.

[1362] Like, he's a professional.

[1363] No, he's great.

[1364] But not there.

[1365] They don't know he does comedy.

[1366] It's fun.

[1367] It's a little flavor.

[1368] We were working a party that he forgot the salads for.

[1369] It was fun.

[1370] He did this party for some black cigarette.

[1371] That was Newport.

[1372] Yeah, there's got to be 300 people.

[1373] Oh, black people cigarette.

[1374] Yeah, but it was like, like menthols.

[1375] My mom used to smoke cool.

[1376] It was African Americans.

[1377] There wasn't one white person there.

[1378] Right.

[1379] And I show up with the camera.

[1380] You know, with the camera just for footage because I'm filming my show.

[1381] And Wheels is like yelling at me, you got to leave.

[1382] You know, I'm getting paid a lot of money for the, and I'm going to tortureing people.

[1383] How am I going to get my shot, you know, if I don't show up at the party?

[1384] And I'm just filming us with him throwing me out of the.

[1385] the party and she's waitressing.

[1386] Not really.

[1387] I was just rounding up black girls to surround him because he was taking pictures with him.

[1388] I didn't need your help.

[1389] Trust me. Don't fucking hit me. Why are you hitting?

[1390] You see women are always like, Ellen, I'm so glad you came.

[1391] It's making this conversation is so much more.

[1392] She picks up her hands.

[1393] We're not allowed to hit back.

[1394] Because if fragile, if I hit you, you can hit me back.

[1395] Look how she keeps putting hands on me. She knows.

[1396] I hate that.

[1397] Hit me back, then hit me back.

[1398] Tell her, Joe.

[1399] Eleanor, please relax.

[1400] We got to talk about Dice is special.

[1401] I know he's like a 10th degree, but I happen to know karate and I'll kick your ass with him.

[1402] Eleanor has wrestled with me. If I have to use karate.

[1403] Joe came to see me wrestle.

[1404] I did.

[1405] I went to see a wrestle professionally.

[1406] He wouldn't go.

[1407] Yeah, but I got pissed off at that.

[1408] Tell him why.

[1409] No, because it could ruin like the, you know, like, parts.

[1410] Oh, break the bus area.

[1411] Yeah, you know what I mean?

[1412] He could break the poose.

[1413] And I'm like anything to be on fucking TV.

[1414] What's wrong with you?

[1415] Oh, wait a minute, in Eleanor's defense.

[1416] Me and I, rather, a bunch of people from the comedy store and I went down, and we had a great fucking time.

[1417] We bought waitresses, comics, we had a big group to support Eleanor, and she was easy rider.

[1418] She played this motorcycle girl, boxer sort of type wrestler chick who would crush pool balls in her hands.

[1419] Yeah, but she wants to do dramatic fucking roles, and there she is.

[1420] She's having to find...

[1421] Doing a tumble salt in the ring.

[1422] I think it's better for Eleanor.

[1423] I mean, I've known Eleanor forever.

[1424] I think it's better for her to not take herself seriously.

[1425] So doing something like that, I think it's...

[1426] But that's your charm.

[1427] Your charm is that you're so ridiculously silly and you're so over the top.

[1428] Eleanor and I used to do this thing.

[1429] I don't think we ever talked about it on the podcast.

[1430] Did we talk about it?

[1431] The quarters?

[1432] Ask her for change.

[1433] Joe, every time I was just telling Red Band, when I go on stage, people are like, hey, can I record it?

[1434] I'm like, listen, I'm not going to finger myself for you.

[1435] It's not happening.

[1436] I would, I would, it was like, it was the stupidest running gag.

[1437] You know, I'm not gonna think of yourself for, this is what, this is what it was.

[1438] Were you just, no, guys, dice, dice, I'll explain, I'll explain.

[1439] I'll explain, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice.

[1440] You want me to do it?

[1441] This is, this is why I don't go out there.

[1442] I'll explain.

[1443] You're not, it's wrong.

[1444] Her apron was on and this is what we do.

[1445] It would, be would go, hey, um, I want to, uh, I want to, uh, get change for a dollar for the meter.

[1446] Do you have change for dollar?

[1447] Oh, you go, hold on a second, let me get it.

[1448] And she would dig in her apron and go in this whole, hold in this whole.

[1449] routine pretending to masturbate herself to climax and she didn't want anybody coming near people would try to rescue her it was fucking hilarious and what was hilarious about it because it was look we did it for a year but I'm waiting at home for this idiot that tells me you know my shift is over at 1130 but now it's 2 in the morning and she comes walking in telling me that you know well we never kept her late she was doing that during the show this is the kind of shit she would do and she's helping comics with their personal fucking problems that I'm like I don't give a fuck if the guy falls off a cliff I'm waiting here I got a hard on you know you know which isn't that easy as a brother comedian I appreciate that but as someone who loves hilarious shit and as someone who is also supportive of the fact that that's one of the reasons why she's a professional comedian now because we all knew she was so fucking funny This was when she was just a waitress.

[1450] Of course you did, yeah.

[1451] We all knew.

[1452] We all knew.

[1453] No one doubted it.

[1454] We knew you as a waitress, and you would be like the funniest person hanging around with backstage.

[1455] And it was ridiculous that you weren't on stage.

[1456] And you would like, I would always go to Eleanor.

[1457] If anybody knew one on stage, is that got any funny?

[1458] And she'd go hack and, like, walk away.

[1459] And I knew the guys.

[1460] Yeah, watch this.

[1461] Watch it.

[1462] I knew.

[1463] Do Bruce Smeanov.

[1464] No, don't make me do.

[1465] Just do one joke.

[1466] Just do it.

[1467] When Jews are ugly, we would.

[1468] in prizes?

[1469] Uh -huh.

[1470] Do I raise.

[1471] Do, do, do, Dom.

[1472] I can't do Dom.

[1473] Do Dom.

[1474] I can't think of one of Dom.

[1475] My favorite Dom joke right now is that he adopted an Asian girl to help him with his iPhone.

[1476] No, but do it.

[1477] No, but she knows.

[1478] She's going back as soon as I get these apps down.

[1479] Dom's fucking hilarious.

[1480] But she knows every comic.

[1481] That's also a problem because doing my own material, I'm writing.

[1482] No, but she is.

[1483] She's an original.

[1484] Or is that somebody else?

[1485] Well, as long as you have that auditing in your own head.

[1486] You know, everybody is going to, especially in the beginning of times.

[1487] Well, even watching Andrew, I'm like, oh, I don't want to watch.

[1488] You run the risk of maybe covering something.

[1489] No, we overlap a little.

[1490] Sometimes.

[1491] Oh, this is the best with, with Holtzman.

[1492] That was the best.

[1493] This is back when the O .J. What thing was happening?

[1494] Right.

[1495] And I did this whole thing about Marsha Clark that, you know, once you realize this was a big TV shot for her.

[1496] She started cleaning up.

[1497] she'd come into the courtroom with the pumps and the skirt with the slit up the side walking down the fucking aisle like I want everybody to stare in this fucking ass and get in here for a while and build her TV career so Holtzman did something kind of similar to the older so I come over to him and I know he's not a thief you know what I mean and I go you know I like do that joke and he goes well you know Dice we overlap and I just started fucking laughing He goes, hey, hey, hey.

[1498] When a guy says that to you, it's like, just do it.

[1499] It's too funny.

[1500] You know, like when you approach somebody about a joke that's similar, they'll be, to get all defensive, it becomes an argument.

[1501] Waltzman's like, well, you know, we overlap.

[1502] Well, you know.

[1503] And I'm like, what the fuck?

[1504] I just started laughing.

[1505] He's so funny.

[1506] He is hilarious.

[1507] But I agree with that kind of in a certain one.

[1508] Like Brennan Walsh and I overlap on a fleshlight joke.

[1509] And I know, I know he didn't read.

[1510] I know he didn't, he wouldn't have seen my bit and then done a similar bet.

[1511] not that dude, but he had a similar conclusion, and I was like, well, that's the obvious thought, you know?

[1512] Like, you thought, I mean, if you're intelligent and you're thinking about it, there's a bunch of different ways to approach it, that's one of them.

[1513] You thought of it, I thought of it.

[1514] His bit's different than my bit, even though it's based on the same premise.

[1515] I felt like that's overlapping.

[1516] It's no big deal.

[1517] We overlap a little, but I don't care.

[1518] It's a rack.

[1519] Right, and it's what is your particular take on things?

[1520] I'm going to hear his take on it and someone else's take.

[1521] The only problem is when you hear him in a row.

[1522] The problem is when you hear him like, that night in a row like if he's middling and you're headlining and then he does the bit and then you really can't do the bit because it's kind of it's so similar you'd have to bring it up like you go hey I want to cover the subject that's already been covered and beaten a death right exactly yeah I would do it in a way like at the store where like I know what the other guy brought up but let me tell you something at the store yeah at the store but like when you're on the road doing your show you wouldn't want that you would never want a guy opening for you but like I said she does like this thing about I don't want to say it you know with the whispered in the microphone with the glitter oh the old man yeah okay it's the old man go ahead do it when the old man's like you know I fall around with older men I like older men but when they come nothing comes out it's like air it's like you know and then I'm like but he does something similar or something like that and I say it's like air and then you're like shit where did that go yeah and then like two days later I'm like is that fucking glitter on my face and I'm like oh it's old man river's balls on my face and that's something stupid like that Joe's just staring at me like that's gross you know when you get old and you jerk off it's like a three day process and then by like the third day when it finally whatever the fuck is in there comes out it like just falls off the tip of your cock onto your balls you know what the best bit about that was Holtzman Holtzman had a bit about yeah it's like it's old paint that's been in the basement too long he goes it's not the same color that it used to be That's right He had a bit about Viagra But he had a great bit I don't say Because I'm doing a Viagra bit Well I don't want to say it also Because I don't want him to You know To not be able to do that big Do you know where he lives now By the way Do you know where Holtsman lives?

[1523] I don't know Where's in it like Vietnam or something No Marina del Rey No I heard he He moved to Vietnam Right now?

[1524] Yeah Holtsman When he just did someone's podcast Like a week ago Yeah I think he was on He sometimes does go to Thailand Thailand That's what it is He said he had a small hairless boy there.

[1525] He said, he always joke.

[1526] I mean, he's just a kid.

[1527] He's a joke.

[1528] He's a great guy.

[1529] I love that guy.

[1530] But don't back up the joke.

[1531] Just say it.

[1532] It's okay.

[1533] That's what I mean.

[1534] You looked at me like, oh, it's crazy.

[1535] No. So you both have a joke about old people coming terribly.

[1536] Something like that.

[1537] Yeah.

[1538] Well, it's been done.

[1539] It's been done a million.

[1540] Yeah, but it makes sense to do it.

[1541] Yeah, it makes sense to do it.

[1542] And it's funny.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] And it only happened because it was like an old man that I was picking on one night and I just went into it.

[1545] And every once in a while, I just bring it back.

[1546] How many great songs are written about the same subjects?

[1547] You know, how many great songs, you know, cover, you know, really, real similar ground.

[1548] But you still fucking love them because they're great.

[1549] You know, and in comedy, there's certain things, sex especially, which is always going to be hilarious.

[1550] It just is.

[1551] And as long as it is, let's extract as much of it out as we can.

[1552] You think we'd be overlapping a lot if we think shows?

[1553] I don't think so.

[1554] No, you do.

[1555] We have a different point of view, though.

[1556] No, I agree.

[1557] I just watched Joe a couple of months ago at the ice.

[1558] house and I think it would be great.

[1559] I don't think it would overlap.

[1560] Listen, I mean, seeing your show was so fun, but you're so much more preposterous to me. I try to be a little more realistic.

[1561] No, you actually have facts in your act.

[1562] I was sore that I could try to remember.

[1563] I don't want to be an agent of disinformation.

[1564] Yes, see, that's my thing.

[1565] But your fucking act was so funny in describing how gays were created.

[1566] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I would not.

[1567] I would not.

[1568] But I just want to say that we were slapping the table.

[1569] we were fucking howling me and Norton and we were looking over to each other laughing It was such a special moment Like as comics You know as professional comics Who've been comics for 20 plus years The both of us We were laughing together like You know It was like it's a brotherhood And that's the best compliment Because I don't get along with most comics I don't think you do either You know what I actually do I get along with a lot of comics You know I give you credit Just the ones that I don't get along with It gets ugly No no I know that but I'm saying I just don't because I don't feel camaraderies so when I'm around the few that I do love and you're one of them now obviously and you know Norton for years and Florentine I think in your defense I think in your defense you got so fucking big so quick that it's real hard for you to relate to other people it's not about the comedy I'm you know when somebody comes with me I mean comics I mean not about the comedy I'm in comics I'm saying you became so fucking huge, so quick.

[1570] There's like this automatic resentment that's going to come with it with a lot of people.

[1571] You went from being a comic who was in with this, you know, this steady stream of professional comics to becoming the biggest comic in the history of stand -up comedy inside a few years.

[1572] And it just went, boom!

[1573] And all of a sudden you're doing ass off -causing.

[1574] No, but it was 10 years.

[1575] It was 10 years.

[1576] I'm sure it was a long time.

[1577] and I'm sure it was hard work, but what I'm saying is, but it also, the height hit so high that it was impossible for people to not get jealous.

[1578] I've watched a lot of people get creepy jealous of you.

[1579] So why was they able to talk to you?

[1580] I'm not a jealous person.

[1581] See, that's what I mean.

[1582] A lot of comics have that.

[1583] Listen, I am honored to be around people like you and honored to be around people like Dom Iera.

[1584] I am, I don't care how long I've been doing comedy or how I'm confident that I know how to do it, But I am always, like, honored to be friends with Doug Stanhope.

[1585] I love that I can call up, who I believe is one of the greatest comedians of all time.

[1586] I can call him up, and we'll shoot the shit on the phone.

[1587] And we love it.

[1588] And Stanhope said to me the other day, he goes, you know what, I could quit comedy, but I can never quit comics.

[1589] He goes, I can never quit.

[1590] He goes, I've fucking hang out with, I've tried to hang out with too many regular people.

[1591] I can't fucking do it.

[1592] Well, that is the fun, Paul.

[1593] It is the fun part.

[1594] It is the fun.

[1595] We're all twisted.

[1596] Yeah.

[1597] In all different ways.

[1598] Joey Diaz is different than you.

[1599] It's like even if I text you late at night, I know you get in the text because you're up.

[1600] Yeah.

[1601] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1602] You know, yeah, you text me at four in the morning.

[1603] Let me tell you something.

[1604] I call wheels like 1 .30 in the morning.

[1605] He goes, I got to get some sleep because I got to get up.

[1606] I'm like, you're a comic.

[1607] He's also a chef.

[1608] This is the daytime.

[1609] And a pool hustle.

[1610] No, but I'm saying this is the day time.

[1611] It is.

[1612] I agree.

[1613] You know what I mean?

[1614] Well, I love the night.

[1615] That's when I am.

[1616] I am exactly the same way.

[1617] That's when I do all my work.

[1618] I don't get anything done during the day.

[1619] My kids are up.

[1620] they want to play there's you know fucking something's going on there's noise I can't concentrate in my office so in the during the day I play with my kids I get my workouts in I do my bullshit but then when everyone's asleep I do it after Jiu -Jitsu so I like to write I don't even come home to 11 and then from 11 on that's when I start to write yeah so I'm saying if I call it 3 you're picking up oh yeah that's when I call opium Anthony if I call open Anthony I only call when I'm awake I'm awake all night which I need to do more often I fucking love those guys They're phenomenal.

[1621] And hanging out with Anthony and when we were in Vegas.

[1622] He just really reinforced how great he is.

[1623] I always know he's a great guy, but I love the fact that we could all pal around in a social setting.

[1624] His dice impression is insane.

[1625] He's a brilliant, brilliant impressionists.

[1626] He's a lot of people don't realize.

[1627] He does a lot of really good impressions.

[1628] He's another guy.

[1629] He always tells, why aren't you doing stand -up?

[1630] Yeah.

[1631] Well, he sort of is when he does the, have you seen his fucking awesome show?

[1632] His show, let me just give him credit.

[1633] The reason why we're doing this podcast today is because Anthony Coomia from the Opium Anthony show.

[1634] Because Anthony Coombe has started doing his own show called Live from the Compound.

[1635] And live from the Compound, which he does on Ustream, he does it in his house.

[1636] He has a fucking studio set up.

[1637] He spent like a quarter million dollars with fucking green screens and he could be like in front of the Coliseum and Rome.

[1638] He could be in space.

[1639] He could be, and he has a professional desk.

[1640] And, you know, he used to do with these chicks he was dating.

[1641] He would be running around with a machine gun and singing songs, playing air guitar, withholding a fucking M16 he's crazy he's a beautiful person I fucking love him he's a gambling addict he's crazy he's nuts I love Anthony he loves to drink he's a to me he's a classic American character and I don't get to I don't get to hang out with him enough so then all of a sudden we were in Vegas together and we had steaks we went to Kraft steak and had the most the fucking one thing about Vegas they know how to make a fucking steak craft steak Kraft steak is an MGM Oh, it's goddamn good.

[1642] Oh, Jesus.

[1643] The best, though, the best is nine.

[1644] Nine steakhouse in the palm.

[1645] You can't fuck with that place.

[1646] That's my favorite.

[1647] You get the grass -fed rib -eye, do not pass go.

[1648] You want the grass -fed ribby, medium -rare.

[1649] It will knock your dick into the dirt.

[1650] It's the most spectacular cut of meat available in the probably in the entire western part of the United States.

[1651] The nine steakhouse, nine state -house in Vegas.

[1652] I never went there.

[1653] I go to SDK a lot.

[1654] So we went to.

[1655] Kraft Steak?

[1656] Yeah, I've been there too.

[1657] It's great.

[1658] We went to Kraft Steak.

[1659] We had a great meal.

[1660] We had some wine.

[1661] Anthony was like, he knows wine, so he picked out a good wine.

[1662] It was me and my buddy Steve, who I've known since I was like 15.

[1663] It was all of us, his big group who came to see you.

[1664] It was such a thrill.

[1665] It was so fun.

[1666] It just goes to see a show.

[1667] Why didn't I get to go, Joe?

[1668] You were performing.

[1669] Oh!

[1670] We had such a great time.

[1671] We walked in right when Max was playing.

[1672] We walked in while we were getting seated, Max was having a guitar solo, or excuse me, a drum solo.

[1673] You know, you know what?

[1674] You got to talk to him about that for a minute because...

[1675] Drum solo was fucking spectacular.

[1676] That was some serious hand -eye coordination, son.

[1677] You went off.

[1678] That was like real shit.

[1679] You didn't like have like a half -ass drum solo.

[1680] You were fucking flying, man. The kid was flying.

[1681] Unbelievable.

[1682] It's what he needs to hear now because, you know, you got to do that shit.

[1683] Yeah, look, there he is.

[1684] That's...

[1685] Look at them go off.

[1686] That was at the improv.

[1687] Do we get to hear it?

[1688] Improv lab.

[1689] You're going off.

[1690] Oh, shit.

[1691] Look at this shit.

[1692] Look, and you need to see that.

[1693] Someone please edit that and put that little part of this video on YouTube.

[1694] You have to see that.

[1695] With him watching it in a corner.

[1696] That's funny.

[1697] I see what I'm saying.

[1698] He's walking around the house going, I think, you know, because don't forget it, showtime.

[1699] You know what I mean?

[1700] And this is the band's first shot ever.

[1701] You know, doing the song you saw called Outlaw.

[1702] And he's going, I don't know if the solo's there yet.

[1703] And I'm trying to explain.

[1704] Every night we sit outside the house.

[1705] And I go, Max, there is nothing you have to learn for this solo because you have such chops.

[1706] Like I, you know, I started out as a drummer, but my ability doesn't come close to what he can do.

[1707] That was ridiculous.

[1708] So, yeah, I get jealous of his feet, all the combinations.

[1709] You get jealous of his feet.

[1710] It's true.

[1711] He's a double bit.

[1712] It's like, because he uses both his feet like his hand.

[1713] Do you drive a stick?

[1714] You drive a stick ship?

[1715] It's automatic, right?

[1716] Yeah, yeah, automatic.

[1717] I feel like God who knows how to work the pedals like that would want a fucking stick ship.

[1718] No, no, he's just amazing.

[1719] And like when I would tell people about him, you know, I'm the father so they think, well, how good can they really be?

[1720] And then you see that, which we call it.

[1721] You got to see it.

[1722] You got to see it.

[1723] That's just like babysit.

[1724] Yeah, you got to listen.

[1725] I mean, you're listening to it, folks.

[1726] If you're hearing just the audio version of this podcast, it's like an, it's an iPhone camera.

[1727] So the sound quality is not the best.

[1728] You have to see it.

[1729] If you see it, it's fucking preposterous.

[1730] Yeah, when he would show me like drum solos.

[1731] If you're in Chicago, you'll see him live.

[1732] Max, how old are you?

[1733] The Arcada theater, right?

[1734] Yes, the Arcada Theater in Chicago.

[1735] Well, I'm going to be 22.

[1736] And with the solo, I actually started off only soloing when I first started playing the drums.

[1737] I didn't play with a band for like the first five, six years of drumming.

[1738] He's playing since he's 10.

[1739] And how old you now?

[1740] Going to be 22.

[1741] You're going to be 22.

[1742] So you've been playing the drums for 12 years.

[1743] Yeah.

[1744] Wow.

[1745] Dude, your fucking hands are ridiculously fast.

[1746] You should get involved in Wing Chung.

[1747] You should start Confuing motherfuckers.

[1748] Think about that fast speed?

[1749] He could probably be a hell of a box.

[1750] I believe it translates.

[1751] You want number one, he can box?

[1752] I'm embarrassed to say he has beaten him a couple times.

[1753] No, by accident, he sort of knocked me out twice.

[1754] This is pretty funny at the Hollywood gym.

[1755] When I would, you know, teach them to box, you know, I would say, you know, we've got to that Hollywood gym.

[1756] sure you know that has the boxing ring so I would say all right no head shots at all so I would just protect my body and let them fight me both kids so now and then Max would slip and he'd nail me right on the chin once it happened in my backyard and I went right down because you know when you're hitting the chin you see the stars and you go down I'm not expecting to get punched in the face by my friend by my son yeah by my son and then he does it again at the gym and I'm on the floor feeling like an asshole Because here I am, I'm the father, and my 14 -year -old just knocked me out.

[1757] Well, you know, the reality is, there's a lot of chicks that can knock you out if you don't know.

[1758] If you don't know, they're punching you.

[1759] If you don't know, they're going to punch you.

[1760] There's a great video of a chick headbutting a guy unconscious.

[1761] Some asshole at a bar says something stupid to her.

[1762] She grabs his shirt and goes bang.

[1763] And knocks him completely unconscious.

[1764] And that does work.

[1765] That does work.

[1766] Let me tell you out.

[1767] No, not it was a fist.

[1768] He hit me with his fist.

[1769] Well, I'm saying a little girl can headbut a big giant dude.

[1770] What I'm saying is if you don't know it's coming and if you get hit on the.

[1771] draw you can get knocked out even by a little girl's head well that's why boxing is trying to break the body down first and then they go for the chin it's not about because people when they see a professional fight they go why aren't they just swinging it out they don't realize it's a skill it's a dance you'd be amazing how hard it is to hit someone did you ever do actual boxing a kickbox i did a lot of boxing in the gym but i had three kickboxing fights but you'd be uh amazed at how difficult it is to actually hit someone who knows how to box it's it's a dance it's a rhythm you got a figure out how to fake them, how to get him to move, how to when to run in.

[1772] Because if you run in, like, if you watch the last UFC, Ryan Bader versus Leota Machita, Leota Bacita is this badass karate guy.

[1773] He knocked Ryan Bader out because Bader charged him.

[1774] They just went, crack.

[1775] Just caught him charging and flatten them, knocked him out with one punch.

[1776] But you, that's the risk you take if you want to be aggressive.

[1777] It's so hard to hit someone who actually knows how to fight.

[1778] It's ridiculous.

[1779] That's true.

[1780] You will feel, if you were like, there's a lot of people.

[1781] The thing that always bothers me is.

[1782] Peterson's not a fight.

[1783] He knows.

[1784] He's a great guy, too.

[1785] He's the best.

[1786] They want to know more about boxing.

[1787] They should get in touch with me at The Real Dice Clay on Twitter.

[1788] Is that my Twitter thing?

[1789] Yes, at the Real Dice Clay.

[1790] If you want to know about drumming, I'm at Max does comedy.

[1791] And if you want to go out with Eleanor.

[1792] Max, did you get upset when you dropped your dad?

[1793] Eleanor Kerrigan?

[1794] I was nervous.

[1795] I came over like, you know, are you okay?

[1796] I didn't mean to do it.

[1797] Oh, yeah.

[1798] Are you sure you didn't mean to do it?

[1799] No, no. Yeah, but it was funny.

[1800] It wasn't anything you were thinking about.

[1801] out maybe that it was major no we have a great relationship you know you know well that means probably got a good punch look if you hit the drums that hard i bet you can generate some serious fucking speed if somebody teaches i think my dad would have got back up and hit us yeah oh you can't hit your kids that's ridiculous you know i'm just handing you over to rogan for all your fighting you can't do that i've actually been uh thinking about taking some cromaga so cromaga's good yeah it's interesting you know but uh there's uh but he knows there's a lot of benefits to taking one martial art over a combinator system of martial arts.

[1802] Like a lot of people think the combinator systems like Cromagor or something like that is good if you'd only do it every now and then you just want to learn some self -defense.

[1803] But I think there's a lot of time spent doing shit like street techniques and stuff like that.

[1804] That's what you want to know.

[1805] Not really coming up.

[1806] No, I don't think you do.

[1807] You really want to know that?

[1808] You really want to be good at what works on train killers.

[1809] Not people in the street with a fucking set of keys because in a real -life situation there's going to be a lot of craziness going on.

[1810] You've got to be able to execute from memory and from training.

[1811] And how much training are you really have taking someone's gun away?

[1812] I mean, are you really going to – maybe it's a good thing to know if you're in the special forces or something and you've got to learn – you know, dealing with people with handgums all the time.

[1813] But the reality of self -defense is most of the times when things happen, they happen, one, because one person's not confident, so the other person gets cocky.

[1814] And two, because you're not aware of your environment and you don't have enough confidence in any one particular discipline, whether it's stand -up or the ground fighting or anything like that.

[1815] A lot of people want to fight and they don't know how to fight.

[1816] That scares the shit out of me. I've been a martial artist my whole life.

[1817] The last thing I want to do is getting a fight with somebody.

[1818] Because I know there's some people that can do some crazy shit to your body.

[1819] Yeah.

[1820] Okay, I know them.

[1821] I know people who could, you would be crazy to fight them.

[1822] Yeah.

[1823] But people start fights with them.

[1824] Because there's a lot of fucking morons out there.

[1825] But I want to, for me, it's very important that I'm the one who is capable of deciding where everything goes.

[1826] Yeah.

[1827] I don't like being in a position where I have to trust my health to some crazy.

[1828] asshole.

[1829] You know, I don't like that.

[1830] I don't like to know that some guy could just own me any time he wants to just jump all over me and I don't know what to do.

[1831] And I can't even defend myself.

[1832] I can't live like that.

[1833] That would drive me crazy.

[1834] I know too many crazy people.

[1835] You know, I grew up with too many complete fucking psychopaths to ever think that it's safe to not know how to defend yourself.

[1836] Yeah, I agree with that.

[1837] Yeah, it's like if you...

[1838] I know how to defend myself.

[1839] Ellenna is a good fighter.

[1840] I like to find out.

[1841] I like to find out.

[1842] I see her and Valerie nearly beat up people at shows.

[1843] I believe.

[1844] Did you ever get some situations?

[1845] Well, just one girl, we went out to this club, and normally it's a Sunday night.

[1846] Remember this?

[1847] It was a Sunday night, and it's usually dead.

[1848] Andrew's like, oh, I always go here.

[1849] It was usually like 100 people.

[1850] It's not that bad.

[1851] We get there.

[1852] There was some kind of dead mouse DJ thing going on.

[1853] Oh, okay.

[1854] There was like 1 ,500 people.

[1855] Yeah, it was a pack.

[1856] And I go, Andrew, we can't go in here.

[1857] He goes, no, we'll be fine.

[1858] We'll be fine.

[1859] Girls were throwing themselves at him.

[1860] Like, hey, I know you.

[1861] Stop, and stop with the jealousy.

[1862] Nice.

[1863] And me and Valerie, how's that feel?

[1864] That must be nice.

[1865] It always feels good, but, you know.

[1866] How fast did I take that girl off you?

[1867] Yeah, but how good is it feel?

[1868] She does.

[1869] She does security when we go out.

[1870] Yeah, he gets crazy.

[1871] He goes crazy.

[1872] You know, no, it feels good, but you know what?

[1873] It's, you know, it's nothing I'm looking for.

[1874] You know what I mean?

[1875] Of course.

[1876] I really get.

[1877] No, I'm serious.

[1878] I believe you.

[1879] Even when I'm single, you know what I mean?

[1880] It's nothing that's ever thrilled me unless I'm out hunting.

[1881] I believe you, but strolling into a club filled with 1 ,500 people with those sunglasses on and a sleeveless shirt and they're throwing themselves out of you.

[1882] Come on, son.

[1883] We were coming from a show.

[1884] You're in a goddamn movie.

[1885] You're in a goddamn movie.

[1886] That I appreciate.

[1887] Sometimes it does hit me in that way.

[1888] How does anybody get to live that life?

[1889] Stop and think about everything.

[1890] Really appreciate it.

[1891] You're a famous guy.

[1892] You got a club.

[1893] Do you go out?

[1894] Not that much.

[1895] I mostly do shows and hang out of the shows.

[1896] It's hard to go places, you know.

[1897] It's very rare that he does it as well.

[1898] Yeah, I don't do it, but you know what, I like to dance with my wife sometimes, you know, and, you know, I'm very focused on her when I go out because I see all the, I'm watching the guys watching her.

[1899] But when you go out, do you have a problem with, like, people constantly wanting to get your attention to take photos, like they never give me. But she'll, they normally put me in one of those VIP booths.

[1900] Uh -huh.

[1901] She stands there with her arms out, like, touching the booths, like, she's just hanging out, and she won't let anybody.

[1902] And plus, they'll put, this was funny when we went out, uh, Halloween.

[1903] And we went to the same club, I think.

[1904] No, no. Oh, yeah, but that was later.

[1905] Yeah, and they had, I'm dancing with my wife on the dance floor, and you got these three giants, these three guys surrounding us, so we can dance so people didn't bother me. You know, and you just have to ignore it and get into the person you're with.

[1906] People are wasted.

[1907] We went to this crazy place first.

[1908] There was what?

[1909] There was like 10 ,000 people at that first place.

[1910] Yeah, we saw a fight there.

[1911] Holy shit.

[1912] We saw a lot of fights there.

[1913] We went to it.

[1914] That's when I belted it.

[1915] My friend, oh, you want to hear it was a fetish ball.

[1916] It was a fetish ball.

[1917] That's right, Max.

[1918] And people thought he was dressed as Andrew Dice Clay.

[1919] And they were like, man, that's what I feel is.

[1920] You want to hear some funny where I had to hit somebody?

[1921] You could tell it.

[1922] I don't remember the name of the hotel or where we were.

[1923] It was a fetish ball.

[1924] The South something down near the M Hotel around there.

[1925] The South Coast, maybe, the South Coast.

[1926] I don't know.

[1927] But we were walking out and we're walking fast because people are recognizing him, A, thinking he's just dressed his dice.

[1928] And when people yell my name.

[1929] people thought he was nice like i'm not him i just keep going right right so all of a sudden this guy me and Valerie were in heels so he was walking fast yeah they're like 30 feet behind me a little bit ahead of us so i hear this guy go dice dice and i'm like oh shit and he's yelling and i'm just like fucking asshole and he comes over and i i we recognize they're yelling no like don't touch me you know he touched him like this and he knocked him the fuck out it was his friend brand it's a friend of mine but i didn't see him coming and i just punched him in the face well No, I didn't see him, and his hands grabbed my shoulder, so I just react, and I hit him, you know, because that's where the gloves are off.

[1930] Once you put your hands on me hard like that, but he's my friend, but they're yelling, no. If he was yelling, Andrew, I would have just looked.

[1931] It's Brandon, but he couldn't hear him.

[1932] I didn't know, it's my friend, and I turn and he's going back, and he's out on his feet, you know, because I do know how to hit, you know, in that way.

[1933] But so does Brandon, right?

[1934] Brandon's a martial artist.

[1935] Yeah, but it's going to punch him in the head.

[1936] He didn't think, yeah, he didn't.

[1937] But I hit him with a side punch.

[1938] I didn't hit her.

[1939] I was turning to hit him again, and that's when I saw who it was.

[1940] And I felt so bad.

[1941] And to this day, he won't admit that he was out.

[1942] It's just funny.

[1943] Oh, that's funny.

[1944] But I'm like, there was so many, and I'm like, you know, how do you yell my name?

[1945] You know, you don't yell my name ever.

[1946] You don't say dice.

[1947] you say, Andrew, you know.

[1948] You know, because it sounded like a drunk guy.

[1949] This is what I'm picking up.

[1950] Wait, Joe, this is what I'm picking up.

[1951] I'm hearing a guy yell dice, right.

[1952] Dice.

[1953] And all of a sudden I feel this, two hands.

[1954] You think some asses grabbing me like that.

[1955] So I just fucking bang the guy.

[1956] And he's got, and now I'm turning around to really finish him.

[1957] Because once, and I'm sure, you know, you would react the same.

[1958] You got to be careful just grabbing people.

[1959] You don't touch somebody.

[1960] You can't do that.

[1961] You never know.

[1962] If I feel someone grabbing me from behind, I feel like they're up to nefarious things.

[1963] No, well, you grab me. I got to do to me. I don't, you know, that's the one thing I don't have is holding me in place.

[1964] But the one thing.

[1965] What are your plans?

[1966] Sorry.

[1967] Sorry.

[1968] It's okay.

[1969] It's all right.

[1970] Yeah, it's crazy that someone would, why wouldn't he just, would just touch you, touch you?

[1971] Hey, buddy.

[1972] You don't understand.

[1973] He was drinking.

[1974] So we got excited when he saw me coming through the hotel.

[1975] They're 30 feet behind me. Isn't that a fucking problem?

[1976] The drunks, that is a problem.

[1977] It's why I drove people out of the shows.

[1978] They don't even realize it being ridiculous.

[1979] It's a terrible drug for socializing.

[1980] It's the best drug for socializing, but it requires character.

[1981] But so many people don't have character and they go out and they drink and they A real shitbag personality comes flying out.

[1982] Hey, look, if you come over to me for a picture and you're not drunk and you're nice, I'll take a dozen of them.

[1983] What do you do, though, if you're on your way to somewhere and you're just a river of people and you can't get through them?

[1984] Well, if it's nice people, I'll take the shots.

[1985] But if they're assholes, they put their hands on me. Yeah, if they're drunk.

[1986] I don't have a fuse.

[1987] I just don't have a fuse and I won't deal with it.

[1988] He did something cool last Sunday at our show in Vegas.

[1989] he uh some guy he was coming up in the elevator and he was kind of late and the guy was like hey man i saw you at madison square garden this guy went to both shows at the garden when i was there and he was nervous to even say it wow and after his during his show like at the end of it he goes who's the guy in the elevator and the guy was like that was me and he took him on stage and took him on the stage i thought the guy was going to cry he was so excited and i picked out like a chinaman to take the pictures because i know they make the cameras you know what i mean oh no no but they do they know what they're doing with it you know and they were right in front of me and I actually dedicated like my my asional bit to them you know because they were dead center that's beautiful I don't know what people they knew what they were getting you're coming to a dice show no no but they were cool about it you know and I I gave some suggestions for for new phones and um but yes I brought the guy up from the crowd because I was in a rush I was late for the show but he was nice so I'm going who's the guy that was at the garden stand up you know that's very cool come on up let's a couple pictures and of course I had fun with them but we do our shows I felt bad that I had to blow them off when I was coming up the step you know we do our shows and then we hang on after the show and take pictures with everybody but if I'm on a rush to get somewhere that's that's when it becomes a problem like in Vegas like after the UFC's it becomes a real problem because there'd be a thousand people waiting in line I'm like folks I can't I got to go I'm meeting my friends and then they get the ones and they get pissed off me like yeah I wrote something about me on Facebook see where I you know what but you can't concern yourself because No, I mean, I can.

[1990] I don't like to blow somebody off.

[1991] They're legitimately happy to see me. No, but you know what?

[1992] There's a thousand people.

[1993] It's really fucking hard.

[1994] I'll blow them off.

[1995] Or even a hundred if you're in a rush.

[1996] And all of a sudden, their friend's standing.

[1997] I go, well, how long is it take to take?

[1998] Oh, oh, it was on the filming by accident.

[1999] That's where I go, picture's over.

[2000] You know what I mean?

[2001] Get the fuck out of here.

[2002] You know what I mean?

[2003] Even if they're fans?

[2004] No, I don't give a fuck who they are.

[2005] If you want to picture, take a picture.

[2006] No, they do it on purpose.

[2007] They do it.

[2008] filming.

[2009] Yeah, because they have more time with you?

[2010] You know how many, no, to get that little piece of fucking footage, I can't take it with the phones no more.

[2011] Some creepy guy puts it on online all the time.

[2012] Yeah, it's like, you know what, take the picture.

[2013] It's a nice man. I get it.

[2014] But don't start with being Scorsese and doing a fucking feature film with me. The guy got mad at me. He was like, you don't want to be up on YouTube?

[2015] I'm like, not by you guy, no. Fucking asshole human beings.

[2016] He was just filming me and Valerie.

[2017] And he was like, and he would put it up, this is Dice's wife.

[2018] Oh, Jesus.

[2019] Yeah, he's real creepy.

[2020] Yeah, but you know what?

[2021] You're in the public eye.

[2022] I try to be as cool as I can with people.

[2023] But then you get the asshole when you're doing, like I really refuse to do most meet and greets because there's always going to be the guy that wants to put me in a headlock.

[2024] Yeah.

[2025] And he's always going to regret it and I don't care who it is.

[2026] Why do the dudes like to do that?

[2027] Because, you know, like, look, you're a guy like me. You've got an attitude about yourself.

[2028] You've got a tough image about yourself.

[2029] So they want to challenge you in front of their chair.

[2030] If they get to meet you, instead of being cool and taking the picture, they want to out -machar you.

[2031] And I don't care who it is.

[2032] I don't care if he's fucking Godzilla, you're going to pay the price for that.

[2033] And right in front of your chick, I don't care if I embarrass you, I don't care how big you are.

[2034] I have no fucking fear of it.

[2035] How many times you've been in fistfights because of that ad?

[2036] I've had enough problems.

[2037] I've been sued enough.

[2038] And, you know, but now that those things are past me, I could move on to the next group of fights.

[2039] It is hard to just run around.

[2040] That's why I would laugh when I would see you like flipping out on people because I'm going, thank God there's somebody else in the business that has no fucking patience for these assholes.

[2041] And this is a guy that'll follow people out and go home with them and argue with them.

[2042] I used to love that about it because I didn't know you.

[2043] The way I came to know you, I'm coming in the comedy store one night and I heard it from the stage this guy just, you were burying someone you weren't doing a bit you were on somebody that you just didn't it was it was Joe Rogan mean oh and I just loved it seeing somebody get fucking buried you know because you weren't trying to be clever you weren't trying to be funny at that part you wanted to dismantle this person piece by fucking peace and I was just so happy and enjoyed it like I was hearing the funniest stuff ever and then when you were done you got back into the act and you kept screaming about whatever you were, you know, your bits and about, you know, you know, fucking this chick and, you know, and I enjoyed that too, but to walk into a place and just see somebody so fucking angry.

[2044] And I never met you, I never saw you on stage.

[2045] This was my first experience with you that I had to sit down and watch and just laugh.

[2046] Oh, thank you.

[2047] Going, this guy is just enjoying, destroying this guy with his chick.

[2048] and I knew the guy deserved it Well there were so many assholes Because he was your fuck you too That was his big comeback They had you fuck me too You want to tell me that outside you motherfucker You want to be a big shot You went into the whole fucking thing And I was like Oh what a breath of fresh air There was no one that would monitor the room The comics were responsible And it's one of the reasons why we all became so strong You know Because you have no protection in there Me and Brent Ernst and Sam Tripoli, we did this gig.

[2049] It's always good to have an Ernst around.

[2050] You know that.

[2051] We love the Ernst.

[2052] We did this gig and Ernst gets off stage after Crush and he looks at me and goes, Comedy Store, motherfucker.

[2053] And I was like, yeah, dude.

[2054] You know, it's like that was a gym for us where it was so.

[2055] And there were so many cunts.

[2056] That place is a magnet for douchebag guys.

[2057] Oh my God.

[2058] They would come and yell out and try to disrupt the act.

[2059] And girls, they were doing it the other night.

[2060] I almost got.

[2061] Armand thought it was okay to heckled you know you know what I love with Ernst the uh who is he Joey his brother no no oh Tony Tony Tony Tony the Roller Skating oh Tony the Roller Skater I was like I once went I made Brett go on one night I go you don't understand it's not when you actually start the the roller skating part it's you have to explain to the audience who Tony really is you got to get into his life more just because you're on stage, you can't be afraid to expand on Tony's life before you actually show them what he does at the roller skating ring.

[2062] You've got to talk about his history, his family, you know, his likes, his dislikes, what makes him happy.

[2063] So Brett goes on one night and gets into Tony's whole life that the crowd is like, because this is my type of humor, that people are looking like, who the fuck is this guy that he's talking?

[2064] And then he goes into the bid of Tony, roller skating but it was 20 minutes before we got to the actual rollers before the music kicks in before anything it's a great payoff though it really it's a great it's a great idea i mean we all know every tony you know and brentz is such a good guy we were working together at the improv and he goes hey do you want me to not do that bit like i was like why would i didn't want you to not do that that's the best bit yeah he goes because i don't know it's a real strong bit i mean maybe you don't want to follow that and i go oh please i want you to be as funny as you can be i enjoy that bigger the better.

[2065] That's what it's about.

[2066] It's a weird thing where someone, for whatever reason, people want to equate filth.

[2067] People want to equate other people's success with somehow and other that takes away from you.

[2068] And I think that's crazy.

[2069] Yeah, I agree.

[2070] It's a weird disease that people have where you want to be the only person funny on the show.

[2071] And you know, and I know that there's a lot of comics that brings guys on the road with them and they stack the deck.

[2072] They put terrible comedians up, which is really not just rude to their audience members.

[2073] It's rude.

[2074] but it's also like so cowardly like they're just I know guys who bring up guys and these are national headliners who do big places and they bring up guys who shouldn't be allowed to ever do comedy I mean you watch this poor audience get assaulted with nonsense with like nonsense in the fucking the rhythm of a comic well see what I like to do like when Norton was with me a lot of times I would also have Steve Simone just working for me you know like road stuff so I remember when we were doing the Venetian.

[2075] Simone wasn't booked as a comic.

[2076] I had Norton to open for me, and Norton's strong.

[2077] So, you know, we're just backstage and we're going to start the show and that's when I look at Simone and I go, you're on deck.

[2078] And he goes, what are you talking?

[2079] I go, go out and do your thing now.

[2080] Because I wouldn't want them thinking about the act that they have.

[2081] I just want them instantly to walk out and do that.

[2082] I did it to Max too when he was younger.

[2083] You know, and, you know, because you know you got the guy coming on before you that's going to kill.

[2084] So I like to take a newer guy, you know, to sort of train him in comedy and a guy that really has his shit together that I'm back there going, okay, you got to amp up, he's killing.

[2085] You know, like when Eleanor goes up, I know if the crowd is okay, I know if they suck, I know if they're great by the response she's getting because she's top notch.

[2086] Right.

[2087] You know what I mean?

[2088] So when she goes out there, I know her stuff kills.

[2089] So if they're just ha, ha, ha, I'm like, all right, another shit crowd.

[2090] You know what I mean?

[2091] And so you've got to really be able to know your audience before you get out there.

[2092] And the only way to do it is to have an unbelievably strong opener.

[2093] Yeah.

[2094] Because if you have somebody weak, if you have somebody weak, you can't judge the crowd by them because they're new.

[2095] Right.

[2096] You know what I mean?

[2097] Yeah.

[2098] Having a strong open is very important.

[2099] Yeah, exactly.

[2100] That sets up the whole show.

[2101] Yeah.

[2102] The people that don't do that are so silly.

[2103] It's so dumb.

[2104] It's a weakness.

[2105] It doesn't make you look better.

[2106] It makes you look worse.

[2107] So she better be strong in Chicago.

[2108] I'll tell you that.

[2109] I will be strong in Chicago.

[2110] We threw Brian on stage.

[2111] We threw Brian Red Band on stage in the biggest crowd he'd ever seen in Atlanta.

[2112] Red Band.

[2113] Well, you keep calling him that.

[2114] So why didn't he tell him his own thing?

[2115] That's why we laugh at you when you say it.

[2116] Redmond's a normal name.

[2117] No, Red Band.

[2118] Red Band.

[2119] No, no, I get it now, but I've been calling him Red Man, and he can correct.

[2120] It's whatever you want it to be.

[2121] We threw.

[2122] No, no, I don't want it to be whatever.

[2123] He loves you.

[2124] I want it to be what you need.

[2125] He'll change his name for you.

[2126] I'll tell you.

[2127] He's Redman now.

[2128] We're going to make it red.

[2129] Somebody find Redman on Twitter.

[2130] Joey J, my new buddy.

[2131] It's a rap.

[2132] Double J. I know.

[2133] Double J. Rogen.

[2134] That's my new shit.

[2135] Double J. Juicy Joe.

[2136] On the road.

[2137] Double J. What, what?

[2138] He got right into it.

[2139] I think I need to get some sort of a diamond chain, some sort of platinum and diamond.

[2140] Two Js together.

[2141] Double J. It's a strong nickname.

[2142] I can just take pictures like this.

[2143] Because I've been thinking about it on a constant thing.

[2144] Because every time I call you, I'm going, he's got to have a nickname now.

[2145] He's got to have one.

[2146] I got to find out the middle name.

[2147] Everybody has nicknames.

[2148] So Brian.

[2149] But double J is a cool name.

[2150] It's a good, but only by your friends.

[2151] Only by your friends.

[2152] Yeah, you don't let the crowd just call you like a double -J?

[2153] If it becomes that big, you'll have no choice.

[2154] I think it's too late.

[2155] I think you just started a revolution.

[2156] Oh, no. No, double J is a great name.

[2157] I'm like I'm juicy for short.

[2158] Thanks, sweetie.

[2159] You know what I mean?

[2160] So it's a cool name for you.

[2161] I like it.

[2162] The Dice Man comment to St. Charles, Illinois.

[2163] Dice Clay Showtime special at the Arcata Theater on Saturday, August 25th.

[2164] If you're in Chicago, you need to go and check the shit out.

[2165] If you're not in Chicago, you need to get on a fucking plane.

[2166] and go and check the shit out.

[2167] And if you go to O -Shows, O -S -H -O -W -S dot com, or you can call the theater, the number for the theater, is 6 -30 -9 -6 -2 -7 -000.

[2168] I'll say it again.

[2169] 6 -30 -9 -6 -2 -7 -000.

[2170] That's not hard to remember, bitch.

[2171] Damn.

[2172] And the people are listening.

[2173] So this is your first special in 17 fucking years.

[2174] Wow.

[2175] Do you have a new name for it?

[2176] The special?

[2177] Yeah.

[2178] Do you have your name?

[2179] named it yet?

[2180] Yeah, I have.

[2181] Did you?

[2182] Is it going to be a surprise?

[2183] No, it's exciting.

[2184] You don't know the name of a special.

[2185] You're with me. I know, but it's called dice, indestructible.

[2186] Indestructible.

[2187] You see, change back.

[2188] Change it back?

[2189] No, don't talk about other names.

[2190] Don't talk about the names.

[2191] There's no reason because that's the name.

[2192] What if you had like a Twitter contest to say like, you know, what the name would be.

[2193] Well, you know, we could, all right, so on the real dice clay, send me what you think, even though I'm going to use what I already know.

[2194] Then why would they do it?

[2195] And what are the options?

[2196] What if they come up with something good?

[2197] Well, let me hear.

[2198] Let me hear what they got to say.

[2199] You know, last time I did you show.

[2200] Indestructible is pretty fucking good.

[2201] Indestructible because I feel I've been through a lot.

[2202] I feel my fans have been through a lot.

[2203] Yeah.

[2204] You know, so I really, and this show is such a rock and roll vibe.

[2205] You know, I really want to create what I would call, you know, the most exciting stand -up special I've ever.

[2206] done.

[2207] That's what I want to give people.

[2208] How hard was it for you to go through all that censorship stuff when MTV banned you because you were talking about feminine hygiene products?

[2209] I mean, it was so over the top.

[2210] You know what it was when my career took, like for the first 10 years when I was just doing the clubs around the country and honing my act and I would get write -ups from local papers, they would write me up like in newspapers like the hoodlum of humor, things like that.

[2211] Like it was all, it was all positive stuff and then they write about the act.

[2212] The day after my HBO special ad, the Dice Man Cometh, the New York Times put the headline the demise of Western civilization.

[2213] I think that's a compliment.

[2214] No, but they ripped the whole show apart and I wasn't prepared for it because as I was coming up as a comic, I wasn't thinking I want to be a controversial comic.

[2215] I wasn't even thinking I just did the act I wanted to do.

[2216] So it was almost like getting a sucker punch I didn't see it coming so when all that media backlash happened I was like don't they get them just a comic I'm not running for office here I'm a comic well there was something they felt like you were being hateful there was like hateful towards gays hateful towards foreigners and you know there was moments where people were just really overreacting and I was like how come that's okay in rap music or it's okay well no that all came after it all that heavy rap all the shows like South Park all the controversial show came after me so now that I survived all that when I went through it was that pre two live crew what's that was that pre two live crew the same time wasn't it yeah it was around the same time because I remember you'd be connected to that and arguments about oh you know how many rap songs I'm in yeah I mean even the song by that one dance song D do you know unbelievable DMS they asked permission for that or do you MF I let them sample me because us they called my office and said they're writing a song about me they're defending me you know so we we allowed them to to sample you know and that song crazy they they wanted me to present them when they won for best song of the year with MTV and they wanted me to be the presenter and still MTV won't let me on at the time they still have did they let it go now yeah they they they unbanded me last year when I did on to watch so stupid but in a way I understand understand what happened because I when I went on MTV and did what I did you know it was at a time where nobody did that and there was no beeping you know even my manager at the time Sandy Gallin called me up and said I thought that was just on my television like he couldn't believe the language you know and the banning for life was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me you know I went from you know from doing one show at a 20 ,000 seat arena to three shows that weekend you know and I was like I don't give a fuck I'm not a singer?

[2217] No. Today it's different.

[2218] Today you don't need them anymore.

[2219] They're not as important.

[2220] You doing the Tonight Show is not nearly as impactful as you do in a podcast.

[2221] Well, that's something I'll never have to worry about.

[2222] If you did the Adam Carolee show, it would have more impact than it would to do it.

[2223] Because fucking chandelierhead, another comic that won't put on any comics that'll shine.

[2224] Jay Leno is chandelierhead?

[2225] Oh, he's a big dumb fuck.

[2226] You know what?

[2227] You know, I never did let him in.

[2228] either, but I don't have anything against him.

[2229] I think he's great at the show.

[2230] Right.

[2231] But Leno was always the type like, like I talk about the comics I don't like.

[2232] He was never a type to want to help his fellow comics.

[2233] So that's why when he brings a comic on, they don't become superstars.

[2234] Because number one, a lot of them don't even have the chops to be on a show like that yet.

[2235] So they'll do okay.

[2236] Well, he doesn't help Norton a lot?

[2237] Norton's an exception.

[2238] Norton's an exception.

[2239] That's new.

[2240] That's new.

[2241] You know, and he does a lot of on the street stuff, and Norton became a star.

[2242] before he ever went on Leno.

[2243] But Leno doesn't look to, hey, sit down like Johnny would do.

[2244] I see what you're saying.

[2245] So he doesn't create stars.

[2246] He doesn't, he's not looking to.

[2247] He only gives us.

[2248] This fucking guy only cares about him.

[2249] Trust me on that.

[2250] If you really stop and think about that, if you are a comic and you do have a show where you occasionally have comics on, wouldn't you want, like, to promote all your friends?

[2251] No, he doesn't give a...

[2252] Like, you do it and Chelsea, Hamler does it.

[2253] Lenno knew me for years when I was struggling, and he was already a big comic.

[2254] He was already co -hosting, in and when my career took off he would badmouth me to newspapers and I got hold of this fucking bolder head in the improv and I said trust me when I tell you this next time I won't be talking to you you won't even see me coming if you ever open your fucking mouth I love that expression and he goes me when I tell you this stupid voice you know the high pitched I can't even do this asshole yeah he goes neither are he goes we weren't expecting to become the stars that we and I go let me tell you something.

[2255] Maybe you weren't expecting to become a big time guy, but I knew exactly where the fuck I was going.

[2256] You know, and it's guys like that that I don't like because they really don't look to help, even the guys they bring on.

[2257] Well, he's just filling those five minutes like he's supposed to.

[2258] He's always been friendly to me when I've done the show, so I can't say anything bad about the guy.

[2259] But that does fucking hump.

[2260] And it's okay that you're like, just like, I don't know.

[2261] I don't know.

[2262] When was the last time you did a Leno shot?

[2263] I did it like a year ago.

[2264] Maybe, yeah, when Fear Factor was back on, I did it with Ron Paul.

[2265] Yeah, but a guy like you who's had series, you know, after series, Fear Factor.

[2266] Yeah, but I don't want to go on.

[2267] Well, maybe that's why you're friends are.

[2268] Yeah, I'm not asking to go on it.

[2269] Yeah, I don't try to go on anything.

[2270] The last time I saw him, I was doing this, I was hosting this late night show with Judd Nelson for one day.

[2271] And all of a sudden, somebody comes over and he goes, Leno wants to say hello.

[2272] And this was after I had a fight with him years earlier.

[2273] So I go over to the set, you know, and he's standing on the stage.

[2274] one's there and I'm just bullshit when am I go so when are we doing the show and he goes we need to set it up you know I go well let's set it up it's only been 20 years you know and uh he goes no we're gonna do it and of course it never happened I'm like what this asshole want me to see him on his set you know like I get it you're hosting a fucking talk show that to me is old fucking hat you know what I mean and that's just how I feel about him when you don't help your fellow comics and you're in a position like like Carson was years ago when he'd bring a comic on he would fucking he was so confident about who he was right yeah that's right he was just so confident that when he'd bring on a rodney or uh or any new comic you know he wanted you to shine if the guy if the guy shines he'd go come on over sit down and he'd let him shine even more it wasn't like oh i'm giving him too much time away from you're on the show every night for 90 fucking minutes give a guy five minutes to make it you know what i mean and that's where leno and him are two different men right Because, you know, let him and does it.

[2275] He brings on the guys.

[2276] Kimmel does it.

[2277] Kimmel does it.

[2278] I think there's a few guys that know, first of all, how few slots there are and how much competition there is.

[2279] And no one's more aware of that than Jay.

[2280] This guy is interested in buying his next old Volkswagen and making it look like a hot rod.

[2281] But I won't bad mouth them because you're a friend of his, so I'm going to let it go.

[2282] Calm down.

[2283] He's always been nice to me on his show.

[2284] Exactly.

[2285] But I've never, I didn't grow up with him.

[2286] You know, I didn't come up with him.

[2287] I'll see him again.

[2288] I'll tell him how I feel.

[2289] You know, fucking jerk off.

[2290] I don't, you know, real fucking jerk off.

[2291] I think it's weird that he doesn't have anything out there that you could buy.

[2292] He's a comic, but it's hard to buy a Jay Leno CD.

[2293] It's not like it comes out with new material.

[2294] Well, he does his show on the Tonight Show.

[2295] He does that monologue.

[2296] And he does his shows outside, but he recycles the same act for the most part.

[2297] Apparently, he doesn't want to do a special because, why don't we do a special?

[2298] Oh, yeah, cost me three and a day.

[2299] You know, like...

[2300] No, I can't do that act anymore.

[2301] You know what?

[2302] You know what?

[2303] How about enjoying what you do?

[2304] But it's true.

[2305] He doesn't...

[2306] You know what I'm saying?

[2307] What I'm saying is he doesn't put out material, which is, which is odd.

[2308] And his reasoning for it is that it would cost him money.

[2309] Because he couldn't do that act anymore.

[2310] I'd have to write a whole new act.

[2311] I thought that was really odd.

[2312] But he's known, like, when he was young as a being of very good comedian.

[2313] Because with all his fame and everything, he still gets out there and he does the stand -up.

[2314] Yeah.

[2315] And as far as the cleaning.

[2316] guys I would have to say he's just well he's a master at that kind of yeah he's the best but that stuff never makes me laugh as much as your kind of stuff that I don't want well because I don't I but I see observational stuff and it's interesting it's funny but it's not ridiculous but I go from what's behind closed doors these you know like Seinfeld not just that you do it's ridiculous well some of it yeah yeah and I love that is beautiful it's fun it's silly it's disastrous I believe it's the word it's your show is so silly it's so fun.

[2317] Like we had such a great fucking time.

[2318] There's so much shit that you say it, that it's just, we're howling.

[2319] It's just so ridiculous.

[2320] Well, like you brought up earlier with Norton when you were laughing at that one particular bit, I know the bit.

[2321] Yeah.

[2322] That's the stuff Norton goes crazy for him.

[2323] Because he knows there was absolutely no thought.

[2324] There were no facts.

[2325] But it flows great.

[2326] It's funny.

[2327] You know, that to me is, I love Jerry Seinfeld.

[2328] I think he's a great comedian.

[2329] I think he was great as an actor on that show.

[2330] But if I had a choice that you'd see him or you, I'd always see you.

[2331] I appreciate that.

[2332] And I understand why, because I know the kind of guy you want.

[2333] I know, that's why you would come see me, because you know, I'm going to deliver what you need for your laughs.

[2334] Yeah, I appreciate it as a, you know, like at that form of stand -up comedy.

[2335] You're, like, real pioneer.

[2336] I'm sorry, I didn't throw somebody out for you.

[2337] Throw somebody out.

[2338] You did.

[2339] You did throw somebody out that night.

[2340] Yeah, like, within the first two minutes.

[2341] Right.

[2342] What happened?

[2343] Right to the Right.

[2344] You're right.

[2345] You're lower right.

[2346] It was a drunk asshole.

[2347] And you're like, oh, this is not going to work.

[2348] I can tell you right now.

[2349] This is not going to work.

[2350] Was it a dismean moment?

[2351] Yeah, yeah.

[2352] The guy was the guy was hammered.

[2353] Because I had to yell at him first.

[2354] And then he came out.

[2355] Remember when he got up and walked out, he couldn't even, he didn't know what the fuck was even happening.

[2356] He was so drunk.

[2357] Well, that's why I want him out.

[2358] Yeah.

[2359] You know what I mean?

[2360] Don't try to help me up there.

[2361] You couldn't have worked with that guy.

[2362] No, I couldn't.

[2363] Certain guys that are just so hammered.

[2364] There's nowhere.

[2365] You got no. You got no. I thought I calmed him down.

[2366] And then I thought, you know, with the band coming out, that he would be cool.

[2367] And they think it's a joke when I say I'm going to throw you out.

[2368] I'll give him a chance.

[2369] You know, I'll always give him a chance.

[2370] Go sit in the corner.

[2371] What about the night I start going to the back of the theater for 30 seconds?

[2372] Yeah, what about when I started going to the back of the theater when the guy got me mad?

[2373] He walked out to go out of guy.

[2374] I left the mic.

[2375] I went after him.

[2376] Look, what are you doing?

[2377] You know, because there was a guy in the back in the room.

[2378] Why would you do that?

[2379] There was a guy in the back of the room, got on my nerves.

[2380] and I'm going to get security out of this get this guy out of here and nobody's coming so I go look I'll throw you out personally I don't care I don't know what you look like I don't know what you know what you know I'm coming to get you and I just went towards the back and by the time I was nearly there they had security pulling the guy out yeah oh my god oh you want to hear the best oh this is great a couple weeks ago I'm at governors in Long Island and like you know now and then I get the real asshole and there's a guy with dark glasses like me and he's fucking drunk and being an asshole so I said open your fucking mouth again and I'll throw you to fuck out of here let's see what happens you know and the guy's just yelling he don't even know what he's yelling so you know they got tough guys working at governors so they come to throw the guy out after the show Don Jameson goes you missed the greatest thing I ever saw at one of his shows I go what happened?

[2381] He goes you know the guy you threw out he was blind I go, what?

[2382] He goes, not only was he blind, he was fighting for the guys here going, fucking dice, I'll kick his fucking ass, I'll dare him talk to me like that, and these guys couldn't hold him down.

[2383] They said he had like retarded strength, you know, and he's swinging his fucking stick at them.

[2384] He's swinging the stick.

[2385] I go, well, you know, it's not like he had a dog with him that I could know he's blind.

[2386] All I know is he was a drunk asshole, and he got what was coming to him.

[2387] You know what I mean?

[2388] But, you know, I would have liked to see that, at least, to get it on film.

[2389] You know, that's a great YouTube piece that I, they're filming anything.

[2390] Why didn't the guy take out his phone and film them fighting him so he could put it on YouTube?

[2391] He didn't even see them coming to throw them out.

[2392] We're eventually all going to have those Google goggles on and you won't need a YouTube or an iPhone.

[2393] We're going to film everything you see through your eyes.

[2394] You know, they're already working on it.

[2395] The chips are already going to get in.

[2396] Yeah, there's just no privacy.

[2397] This Google, this Google goggles is legit, man. You put it on.

[2398] It's got a little small lens in the corner.

[2399] It's like you're a fucking Terminator.

[2400] It's like you have this readout.

[2401] You could get navigation.

[2402] And every year's all is going to buy it.

[2403] You could take photos.

[2404] You're going to make video.

[2405] You're going to be able to broadcast the video.

[2406] What happened to figuring shit out?

[2407] Wait, what happened at fun?

[2408] Well, what happened to progress in technological innovation?

[2409] It's going to keep going.

[2410] You're not going to stop it.

[2411] If you want a car, you've got to deal with the consequences that people want in time travel, okay?

[2412] Because it all comes from the same place.

[2413] You do have time travel.

[2414] figuring out amazing shit people figure out amazing shit and they never stop they will never fucking stop ever and Google goggles is going to lead to Google contact lenses which is going to lead to Google neural implants which is going to lead to who knows what kind of my retirement I'm getting those kind of implants that's it I'm fucking love are you getting those yeah I'll see why get some tips like before you die what the fuck she always talks about it you know what I mean you know she's very nice girl what she don't don't stuff your ass though she's she's only Don't what?

[2415] Your ass.

[2416] Don't think you know.

[2417] That's what I'm saying.

[2418] You don't understand her dimensions.

[2419] You don't understand.

[2420] She's not built for big tits.

[2421] You don't know that.

[2422] She's got plenty.

[2423] I don't know.

[2424] You're eight and a half feet wide.

[2425] You're eight and a half inches wide.

[2426] I have not eight and a half feet wide.

[2427] If you measure her width and her depth.

[2428] I'm telling you, look at it.

[2429] Have you seen what Kim Kardashian has done to her ass?

[2430] I don't pay any of it.

[2431] Apparently there's new video of it.

[2432] I don't like Armenian.

[2433] And some guy on YouTube and said it looked like.

[2434] like she was wearing a diaper filled with pudding.

[2435] She's got another ass job.

[2436] She's got her ass larger.

[2437] No, no doubt.

[2438] I don't know why she quit the film.

[2439] She probably had a half a decent, well, she only had one shot at it.

[2440] I mean, I don't mind the reality show.

[2441] We want two more videos.

[2442] Yeah, I mean, that fucking movie she made, she was on the money.

[2443] Wouldn't it be great to watch her fuck one of those giant super athletes that she fuck?

[2444] No, I want her to say, away from the asses.

[2445] Even the movie she did.

[2446] Even that movie she did, like nobody really talks about it enough.

[2447] You know, I mean, because she was a natural.

[2448] Great work.

[2449] Well, she's a natural attention horror.

[2450] No, but what I'm saying is, she ruined her.

[2451] Why quit cinema now that you got your TV show?

[2452] Well, she thinks that dad got her to the dance, but there's more money legitimately in commercials like for Skechers when you go to the airport and you go to put your fucking wallet in the bin.

[2453] I would much rather see her suck on dick from morning and night.

[2454] I would too.

[2455] Let me see the air.

[2456] Look at it.

[2457] You got to, this is really, it's really strange.

[2458] Yeah, it's really strange.

[2459] Watch.

[2460] Look at her ass.

[2461] I mean, it doesn't even.

[2462] look real like watch watch when they focus on it like what check it check it check we go what's that what the fuck is that what the fuck is that she's wearing a diaper filled with pudding right i'm right back it up a little bit brian back it up a little bit slow motion she's listen don't don't get me wrong i'm not hating do this part is the boring part you want to get past this yeah you want to go to the others yeah here not this part from here on this is this is where it's Slow motion.

[2463] Look what's going on there.

[2464] What's that?

[2465] That's not even real.

[2466] That is not real, man. She's doing something crazy because it doesn't match her legs.

[2467] She looks like the penguin in that Batman movie.

[2468] Dude, it's not real because her upper body's not changing.

[2469] Her arms aren't changing.

[2470] She's stuffing her ass like a turkey.

[2471] It's just craziness.

[2472] It's absolute complete madness.

[2473] Which, by the way, she had a beautiful body to begin with.

[2474] You know what it is?

[2475] They get so affected that they can't do enough, like when they blow out that lips like Betty Boop You know what I mean They do that whole You know With the fucking That's sad None of it works The lips don't work Look you want Especially for a young girl Somebody that doesn't need The shit But tits work Does work Yeah but she doesn't have the frame You shouldn't do it You should get the tits I mean I would not have the frame I probably would have I do I should have done it I do have the frame If I was a girl I'd probably have giant tits I'd probably have 38 double Ds Dude I want to put I'd fuck I'd fuck the biggest house in Bel Air if I was a chick I wouldn't even think of work.

[2476] That's how big.

[2477] Put little crutches in front of me and I'll walk like that.

[2478] Wheelers.

[2479] Put some wheels on.

[2480] Yeah, she always talks about it.

[2481] I love it.

[2482] But that's not right.

[2483] The ass.

[2484] Breasts are somewhat acceptable.

[2485] Cross like four green.

[2486] Every man would prefer natural breasts.

[2487] Breasts are somewhat acceptable, but there's nothing.

[2488] The ass is wrong.

[2489] It's wrong.

[2490] I agree.

[2491] I have a big ass.

[2492] So I don't care.

[2493] Especially when a woman can have really nice legs just by working out.

[2494] That's what we like.

[2495] I don't know about you, but the is what I do.

[2496] kettlebells, by the way.

[2497] You know what I mean?

[2498] Check out this ass.

[2499] Katie Perry the other day in one of those water parks.

[2500] She lost her bottoms.

[2501] Let me see.

[2502] Buppies.

[2503] Where?

[2504] Here, let me get to it right.

[2505] Should you have it, bitch.

[2506] Right here.

[2507] She has big bubys too.

[2508] Come on.

[2509] Oh, that's Photoshop.

[2510] No, no, it's not.

[2511] There's a lot of them.

[2512] Are you sure?

[2513] Yeah, there's a lot of photos.

[2514] There's people just taking photos.

[2515] I would pull her right out of the.

[2516] pool and look at, oh, that came out.

[2517] You know what?

[2518] This is where we think the same way, Joe.

[2519] I think that, but first of all, I don't, I don't buy that that just happened.

[2520] She's out swimming with a bunch of fucking civilians.

[2521] This is all it's about.

[2522] This is a publicity stunt.

[2523] It looks like the little girl for the sun tan ad.

[2524] They did it on purpose.

[2525] They're trying to get more people to go see her movie.

[2526] The box office returns probably weren't what they expected.

[2527] So let's find out more about Katie out.

[2528] Now that we've seen her ass, this is her movie.

[2529] Oh, God.

[2530] I'm not buying it.

[2531] I'm not buying it either.

[2532] I love all of you.

[2533] You know, I don't buy it, but I enjoy it.

[2534] I do too, she got a fantastic ass If I had ass like that I'd want the world to say that Dip your dick in and move on I'll show everybody I'm not afraid You know what I'm sorry right now You stream News stream You know policies Can I show my But you just showed What's this You should What was that Valerie has a picture of my ass Was that to get fucking Russell Crow Because she's not with him This is the new guy Dipping his dick in And Crow You know what I mean All these filthy fucking slabs out there His wife gave me a spray tan She has a company called Beauty is Pain.

[2535] Are you enjoying it?

[2536] And she took a picture of me and put it on Facebook.

[2537] Yeah, my wife does all the hair and makeup.

[2538] It's on Facebook and Beauty is Pain.

[2539] She's unbelievable, but she's like just practicing.

[2540] So she got the spray tin machine.

[2541] And I'm so white that it looks hilarious.

[2542] So she paints you orange?

[2543] Yeah, no, but what you did, she put a tent in the backyard.

[2544] The other day.

[2545] Red Band will find it.

[2546] She put a tent.

[2547] Don't you shut, shut up.

[2548] You shut up.

[2549] I'm trying to promote Valerie.

[2550] Oh, come on, please.

[2551] Do you believe what I've got to go through?

[2552] Next time, no girls.

[2553] I'm nice enough to put her on your show.

[2554] Yeah, no girl.

[2555] You know, and she just has zero respect for men.

[2556] You got to know when to talk.

[2557] I do know when to talk.

[2558] When somebody's being an asshole.

[2559] So, you know, I came home on Saturday for, you know, with Max.

[2560] And so she had like a barbecue with a spray tanning party.

[2561] Uh -huh.

[2562] But I wasn't allowed to film a look because they like got to get them dressed.

[2563] And Miss Panties comes out, you know, just in her panties.

[2564] I'm not shy.

[2565] That's the problem.

[2566] And I'm like, I can't film this.

[2567] You know, I can't, you know, I need the footage here.

[2568] You know what I mean?

[2569] Right, right, right.

[2570] Because, you know, that's like the one thing Eleanor's got going on.

[2571] You know, the back.

[2572] She got a big ass?

[2573] There's a guy on Twitter that says that Kim Kardashian actually got an x -ray of her ass to show and prove that it's real.

[2574] I thought she did that.

[2575] His name is Ryan.

[2576] Well, you know what?

[2577] Then she's just eating too much ranch dressing.

[2578] I'll say it again.

[2579] Ryan, I mostly.

[2580] Nah, there's no way.

[2581] There's my wife.

[2582] There's Eleanor.

[2583] How come there's a, how does it?

[2584] Is there a picture?

[2585] Where did the picture come from?

[2586] It's on your wife's Twitter.

[2587] Illinois, you have a fine dumper.

[2588] Yeah, you see what I mean?

[2589] And so is it, is there a more?

[2590] There's another one.

[2591] Don't look at it.

[2592] Oh my God, Valerie.

[2593] I thought there was only one.

[2594] Is there any more?

[2595] So full of shit.

[2596] You told us about it.

[2597] You knew he was going to search for it.

[2598] Girls are so goddamn predictable.

[2599] Wait, I thought there was only one.

[2600] Oh, I can't believe you're seeing my nice body in a photographic form.

[2601] I don't care.

[2602] I told you was online and now you're looking at it.

[2603] I thought she only had one up there.

[2604] I don't care.

[2605] I took the picture for her.

[2606] You do care.

[2607] Because I want to promote her stuff.

[2608] Just say what the fucking Facebook is.

[2609] Beauty is pain.

[2610] You wanted everybody to see your ass.

[2611] Just beauty is pain.

[2612] Right there.

[2613] Oh, okay.

[2614] You wanted everyone see your ass.

[2615] And what's the PGW about them?

[2616] Isn't that a code?

[2617] This show's a cluster fuck.

[2618] This show's a total cluster fuck.

[2619] Do you like the Olive Garden?

[2620] I have to go.

[2621] No girls.

[2622] Bullshit.

[2623] Why no girl?

[2624] I'm not really a girl.

[2625] Dice is not allowed to come with girls.

[2626] There's too much animosity, too much history between you guys, too much crossover where you don't realize it's a podcast.

[2627] You're both talking at the same time.

[2628] It's too crazy.

[2629] I'm trying to promote a special.

[2630] I'm going to come on by myself.

[2631] That's going to help you.

[2632] I'm going to come on by myself.

[2633] See how you're just overlapping?

[2634] Oh, you will.

[2635] You're just overlapping.

[2636] Guess who's fired?

[2637] Jesus.

[2638] Oh, I'm fired.

[2639] Now you're fired.

[2640] The Dice man coming to St. Charles, Illinois.

[2641] Red Bay.

[2642] You're looking for a gig?

[2643] time special, the Arcata Theater on Saturday, August 25th, the Arcata Theater go to O -Shows, that's O -S -H -O -W -S dot com, or call the theater at 630 -9 -6 -2 -7 ,000.

[2644] You want to be there.

[2645] You want to be there for history.

[2646] He says, this is his last special.

[2647] I say bullshit because it was anything like what I saw in Vegas, people were going to fucking demand you produce more of that.

[2648] But it's not that I'm not retiring or anything.

[2649] More special, sir.

[2650] I plan on tour.

[2651] a lot.

[2652] That's beautiful.

[2653] That's what I really want to do.

[2654] Well, listen, that's what I want to see, man. It was a fucking awesome time seeing you.

[2655] In Vegas, I was just going to say.

[2656] I love that there's guys like you out there.

[2657] It's so important to me. It's as a person who loves stand -up comedy.

[2658] And as, even if I never did stand -up again in my whole life, I'm a fucking fan of it.

[2659] I love it.

[2660] And going to see you live.

[2661] No, thank you.

[2662] It was really funny.

[2663] It was saying.

[2664] And don't think I didn't love that you guys were there.

[2665] I know.

[2666] When your fellow comics come to see you, you know, it's like exciting.

[2667] So you know that that show was for you and the guys yeah we you know that performance was about you and the guy I couldn't care less if everybody else left the room it it fires me up creatively when I go see a show like the last time I saw a show before yours was Norton's and it just gets me so fired up to perform and to write you know and I think with it we really comics really feed off other comics and we get inspired by other comics so to really be able to sit down and have a to watch a real show was really a lot of time well a lot of fun man I just want to say thank you and thanks to eleanor for interrupting whatever dice everybody knows we were kidding like that just kidding come on everybody knows we were kidding yeah yes we love eliz we all love each other and eleanor really is i mean i don't know how much better you got but when i saw you in irvine which was more than two years ago it's got to be yeah because i'm almost well february would be six years yeah i was really blown away i mean you were really professional already but you know what it was like you saw so much shit comedy you saw so much yeah you saw so many old dying road hacks that would do the same act for decade after decade.

[2668] They'd do Nixon jokes and shit and you're like it's 2000 and people are doing jokes about Ford.

[2669] Nobody knows who Ford is but it was back when Eleanor was working there.

[2670] I was waiting to and you know it's awesome that you're doing comedy because it was beautiful to watch you and stay there and I was like finally you know you nailed it after thank you a million times and without Andrew's help and all the bullshit she always wanted to do comedy and she's great at it.

[2671] You got to do it And every night before she goes on, we pound each other, you know, and I open the curtain for, I never miss a show, no matter what's going on.

[2672] And it's just so great to have, like, the feeling that I know my open is going out and killing.

[2673] Right.

[2674] And it's just somebody that happens to be family to make.

[2675] Right.

[2676] You know what I mean?

[2677] And then, of course, with Max.

[2678] And now we have the L .A. rocks.

[2679] Now we got L .A. rocks.

[2680] And my boys are just fucking slamming it.

[2681] I've been trying to tell all my comedian friends that hate the road.

[2682] I'm like, you got to go out with us.

[2683] other friends.

[2684] You got to go out with your boys.

[2685] It's the only way to do it.

[2686] You're wasting your time.

[2687] If you go out and you work with some local headliner who wants to blow you up the stage.

[2688] You'll kill yourself.

[2689] Yeah, and they step on your material on purpose.

[2690] I mean, it happens to a lot of my friends.

[2691] They'll do gigs and a guy will see their act the first night and the second night they bring up the same subjects on purpose.

[2692] They try to kill their best bits.

[2693] Yeah, because they want to have a better set than you.

[2694] He knows.

[2695] He's got a dummy.

[2696] Yeah, you're right.

[2697] You're right.

[2698] I'm from Brooklyn.

[2699] I'm very spoiled being with Andrew.

[2700] I'm treated very well in that Of course He lets me do my own thing And the crowd's know who you are I always tell her Just feel Just really think up there That's what he always says I never give her a time I just say when you peek Yeah Just get off Listen I'm gonna say right now You guys both together Need a podcast You know fucking easy it would be This is all you need This is all you need An iPhone An iPhone I'm like what You on a plane But listen Listen you're on a plane You are in a restaurant You're in your hotel room Wherever you are You're having an argument Turn on your iPhone Turn your fucking iPhone and record the argument And they just put Dice versus Eleanor And put it on iTunes And any time you guys get in an argument You record Dice versus Neller And have it a fucking long running gag Of real arguments You can't fake your arguments But that would be That would be fucking hilarious She's going to get yelled at For just talking at the same time Like not letting somebody finish Well Brian Callin Chris DeLea And Will Saso have this 10 minute podcast It's a great idea It's only 10 minutes So with you guys you'd never know what kind of an argument you're into.

[2701] It might be a half an hour.

[2702] It might be the podcast might be, oh, but, but, but, but, but it's fun for us.

[2703] No, but you annoy me more.

[2704] No, but you annoy me. You jump at me for no reason.

[2705] Dice versus.

[2706] I'm your boss.

[2707] That's not a way to treat an employee.

[2708] Right, Max.

[2709] Am I not the boss?

[2710] You are the boss, yeah.

[2711] That's right.

[2712] But you don't let him treat you like shit.

[2713] How come my son knows when to talk and when not to talk?

[2714] Dice versus Eleanor.

[2715] You got, you just go and go and go and go.

[2716] I do go and go and go.

[2717] And then it's the thread of the brother.

[2718] I'll tell my brothers.

[2719] I do not.

[2720] Forget, Illinois, you're going to be quiet for a moment here.

[2721] Thanks, Dice.

[2722] Thanks for doing the show.

[2723] I really appreciate it.

[2724] You're welcome, Joe.

[2725] A longtime fan.

[2726] It's an honor to be your friend.

[2727] It's an honor to have you on the podcast.

[2728] And I feel the same exact way about you.

[2729] And we would love to have full desk quad support of the Dice Man come at the St. Charles Illinois.

[2730] Go out there, folks.

[2731] Buy those tickets.

[2732] I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart as a comic who's been a comic for almost 25 years, that was a great fucking show.

[2733] And me and Jim Norton, two longtime professionals, and Bobby Kelly, longtime professional.

[2734] We fucking howled.

[2735] We had a great time.

[2736] And you're going to love it.

[2737] Love him.

[2738] He's a great guy.

[2739] You're going to love it.

[2740] Go out and see it.

[2741] Go to Oshows .com.

[2742] Go to the Arcada Theater.

[2743] And the showtimes are at 7 and 9 .30 p .m. So go buy some tickets, you dirty bitches and support the man. Thank you, sir.

[2744] Thank you, Joe.

[2745] Thank you, Joe.

[2746] For supporting our podcast.

[2747] Thanks to Alienware for sponsoring us and giving us these badass fucking computers and most important.

[2748] We're sponsoring us, rather, providing us with computers.

[2749] You know what?

[2750] I'll use one if they give me one.

[2751] Yeah, well, I'll get you one.

[2752] I'll get you one.

[2753] I'll use that.

[2754] They would love to have you use them.

[2755] They're, um, they sponsor, this is what's important to me, they sponsor a lot of fighters.

[2756] I was looking at that.

[2757] I love the little face.

[2758] Yeah, me too.

[2759] Was that a lady bug?

[2760] No, it's an alien.

[2761] Oh, it's an alien.

[2762] Oh, no, because it's, it looks like an alien bug.

[2763] You should make a dice model.

[2764] That's a ladybug.

[2765] It's a, it's a great computer if you like to play games.

[2766] It looks good.

[2767] play games, it's literally like a desktop computer, excuse me, a desktop gaming computer that you can carry around with you.

[2768] Which most laptops, they don't have the horsepower to deliver like high speed graphics.

[2769] So when you play games on them, they look shitty and clunky.

[2770] But like you could go to Myspace and everything, too.

[2771] Oh, hell, yeah.

[2772] Email?

[2773] Yeah, you can go to Friendster.

[2774] You can do whatever you've got to.

[2775] Just log in.

[2776] You've got mail.

[2777] Yeah, you can go check out check out your AOL mail.

[2778] Yeah, you can do whatever you want with it.

[2779] a real computer.

[2780] I mean, so he rides Windows.

[2781] It's a great computer.

[2782] You got to look at that.

[2783] And as far, like I said, as far as gaming computers, they're top of the food chain.

[2784] Redband, you have one?

[2785] They gave you one?

[2786] Yeah, he's got a 3D one.

[2787] So, what's the guy's name?

[2788] Well, the guy I deal with, his name is Cody from Alienware.

[2789] Brian Butler from Sucker Punch Entertainment.

[2790] Yeah, I need like three of them.

[2791] Three of them.

[2792] Inappropriate.

[2793] Listen, well, no, no, because I'm going to use them.

[2794] I'm going to show a lot of people.

[2795] Maybe if you start a podcast or something, they'll hook you up with three.

[2796] It's going to be hard to get three out of them.

[2797] Yeah, but they'd probably.

[2798] got them in the trunk.

[2799] You know what I mean?

[2800] Maybe.

[2801] I don't know.

[2802] You know what I mean?

[2803] Thanks to Onit .com.

[2804] If you're interested in any supplements, go to Onit .com and check out what we got to offer.

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[2807] Did you know there's certain substances have been shown to increase the fucking strength of your bones, son?

[2808] Go get yourself some kettlebells.

[2809] The guy you know with the kettlebells, I'll take a couple of them.

[2810] That's me. I sell them.

[2811] Oh, you sell them.

[2812] They're your brand that, like, Rogans?

[2813] Well, we sell them on Onit.

[2814] I'm a part owner in Onit .com.

[2815] Double J kettle bowl.

[2816] Kettleballs?

[2817] Kettleball.

[2818] No, but it's kettle, but it's kettlebell.

[2819] Kettle bowl.

[2820] Oh.

[2821] Yeah, but you could have the double J kettle balls.

[2822] I don't think you don't want to hear that.

[2823] Ock, bull.

[2824] You know, and you give it like the look.

[2825] Brian, you silly, silly, silly, silly bitch.

[2826] Onit .com for supplements, use the code name Rogan.

[2827] Try out the new hemp force protein powder to answer questions.

[2828] No, hemp force will not make you test positive for THC.

[2829] You could take hemp force.

[2830] It has no psychoactive substance in it whatsoever.

[2831] But it does have macca, which makes your dick hard, and raw cocoa, which is a powerful antioxidant.

[2832] And it's sweetened by stevia.

[2833] So it's only one gram of sugar per serving, and it's fucking taste delicious.

[2834] And it's really easy to digest.

[2835] It's not cheap stuff.

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[2837] But it's the highest quality stuff that we could sell.

[2838] Can I ask you something about that?

[2839] Sure.

[2840] That's, it doesn't have, like, that stuff in it that you shouldn't have?

[2841] No, there's no artificial sweeteners in it.

[2842] It's only sweetened by stevia, which is actually just a plant extract.

[2843] But what about like the effedera stuff and all?

[2844] No, no, no, none of that.

[2845] None of that.

[2846] It's all natural.

[2847] It is the best plant -based protein powder you can buy.

[2848] And it's the most easily digestible protein powder.

[2849] It doesn't give you any bloating.

[2850] I love whey protein powder.

[2851] I love like muscle milk and those things.

[2852] They're delicious.

[2853] But they make me fart, man. They give you a bloated feeling sometimes.

[2854] It's not the same clean feeling that I get when I eat hemp, protein powder.

[2855] I think it's one of the most easily digestible.

[2856] But if you're interested in any of this stuff, go to Onit .com for supplements, use a codename name Rogan.

[2857] Save yourself 10 % off.

[2858] For battle ropes and kettlebells, that code name does not work because we sell them as cheap as as is humanly possible.

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[2869] Go to Onet .com, O 'N -N -I -T.

[2870] All right, you dirty freaks.

[2871] Tomorrow, the Great Everlast will join us, and I'm going to do a nighttime podcast with Brian's best friend, Duncan Truzzle.

[2872] We'll see you dirty bitches soon.

[2873] And don't forget Death Squad Friday at the Ice House.

[2874] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[2875] Super Show, ridiculously stacked.

[2876] Greg Fitzsimmons, Dom Irera.

[2877] Who else?

[2878] Joey Diaz!

[2879] Joey motherfucking Diaz.

[2880] Tony Hinchcliffe.

[2881] Tony Hinchcliff.

[2882] And maybe a special guest.

[2883] And maybe a special guest.

[2884] And me, bitches.

[2885] So Friday night, we're in top form.

[2886] These shows have been fucking spectacular.

[2887] Never had better Ice House Chronicles podcast.

[2888] Never had better shows.

[2889] We're having the time of our fucking lives here in Pasadena.

[2890] And it's mostly because of you guys.

[2891] I mean, we have to show up.

[2892] But if you guys didn't send us so many positive tweets, and if there wasn't such an awesome group of human beings that meets us at every city all over the world, it wouldn't be nearly as fun.

[2893] So thank you all.

[2894] We appreciate the fun.

[2895] fuck out of you and we'll see you soon.

[2896] Bye.