#394 - Matt Fulchiron

[0] It seems like there would be a better way to do all this.

[1] Oh, yeah.

[2] No, let's mix it live.

[3] We'll do it live.

[4] The full charges here, ladies and gentlemen.

[5] Matt Fultron, he's brought me a gluten -free beer.

[6] It's pretty good, right?

[7] You bad motherfucker.

[8] Yeah, it actually is.

[9] I got it at Bevmo down the street.

[10] I was a little worried.

[11] Sure.

[12] I would have been less worried if I didn't know that Budweiser and Hineken were both gluten -free.

[13] Oh, really?

[14] Yeah, Hineken's gluten -free.

[15] I didn't know that.

[16] Yeah, so are Asahi's, those in Sapporo's, rice beers.

[17] That makes sense.

[18] Yeah.

[19] The Heineken, the number that they have as far as, like, when it becomes gluten -ish, gluten -esque, is more than 20 parts per million or something like that.

[20] And Heineken is less than that.

[21] Well, it's good to know.

[22] So, Heineken's gluten -free.

[23] I was all bummed out.

[24] When I went to the gluten -free option, I was like, no beer thing is going to suck a fat one.

[25] That's the rough part.

[26] Spaghetti, it's good, but you can live without it.

[27] I like a beer at a comedy club, too.

[28] Me too.

[29] Or especially with buddies.

[30] Me too.

[31] Because you can get a little buzz going without getting wild.

[32] wasted that's what beer is for yeah you can you know what you're doing you regulate it now i i've one like cocktail different personality time to go home having so quick having so quick it's for the end of the night it's not for the beginning of the night that's for sure it really is amazing when you just stop and think about how fucking dangerous drinking is for you as far as decision making it's legal and it's everywhere dude it's not just legal it's everywhere yeah i'd look back at every fuck up I ever did.

[33] And I'm like, yeah, I was drunk.

[34] Drunk.

[35] And it's everywhere.

[36] I know.

[37] It's fucking everywhere.

[38] It's the weirdest drug ever.

[39] Everywhere you go to get food, restaurant, grocery store.

[40] It's right there.

[41] There's a whole aisle.

[42] Yeah.

[43] You know, and it's in your face.

[44] Well, what people don't understand is people are always going to have the option to get fucked up.

[45] Yeah.

[46] And they can do it right now.

[47] And the idea that you're going to take drugs away from them so you're just taking options away.

[48] still get drugs.

[49] They get this stuff.

[50] It's everywhere.

[51] And no one's going to stop it.

[52] You not stop an alcohol at this point.

[53] And you shouldn't.

[54] I know.

[55] You shouldn't stop it.

[56] But it's unfair if you just allow the alcohol because it fucks up the society.

[57] It does.

[58] It really does.

[59] We should have healthier options.

[60] We should not just have healthier options to get fucked up, but there are healthier options.

[61] But also it lets you know that you're being hoodwinked.

[62] Like it's in your face.

[63] It's so in your face.

[64] Yeah.

[65] Like there's liquor stores.

[66] everywhere, people drive up to them and get the liquor and drive away.

[67] We've got drive -thru liquor stores in Maryland.

[68] Dude, we went to a drive -thru liquor store in Phoenix.

[69] Remember that at that time?

[70] Yeah.

[71] Phoenix, the old club, the Tempe Imprope.

[72] Yeah.

[73] They used to not let us drink.

[74] What?

[75] It was so ridiculous.

[76] And they wanted you to do comedy?

[77] Well, the dude was, the guy who owned it was a fine gentleman.

[78] And I guess he just decided at one point in time that too many of these heathen comedians were getting all liquored up and fucking up his he was a drinker though too wasn't he was at one point in time but not anymore my good sir not anymore i got it well there was one guy and then there was the other guy who took over but i brought a flask i was like i was like look man it's 1925 i'm like we're not here so i just said i just want some warm diet coke and my cold diet coke i like to mix it up just right perfectly boardwalk joe fire legal to drink on stage and then we found out that it was bullshit that it wasn't that there wasn't a state law that said he had a sign saying it was a state law that you weren't allowed to drink on stage but everybody was like they ain't no fucking state law you can drink on stage like that's ridiculous I was just in Arizona and they were talking about the guy that was running the club now or one of the managers there was talking about how if you get a DUI in Phoenix or maybe in all of Arizona they've got you going to this thing called tent city oh yeah you have to live in tent city and you have to wear nothing but pink underwear.

[79] Have you heard of this?

[80] And you live under a bridge.

[81] Tyson had to do it.

[82] And you get shamed to all hell.

[83] Yeah, you get shamed.

[84] Every single person that has a DUI has to do that.

[85] Well, if that's your sentence, you know, it's available.

[86] It's very common.

[87] Yeah.

[88] And it's not just DUIs.

[89] It's like, you know, a lot of different crimes, but they do have, you know, they have a real problem with that.

[90] There's a lot of people that say that's unethical.

[91] It's just like, how can you single out prisoners and make them, you know, humiliate them, making them wear girly colors and sleep outside.

[92] It seems almost less safe than prison because you're in a tent.

[93] Well, it's also that guy is a real problem.

[94] That Joe R. Pio guy, he's such a kooky head.

[95] I mean, even if you're conservative, like, I'm pretty conservative about a lot of different things.

[96] I'm pretty conservative about things like gun control.

[97] I side with, like, people on the right more than I do on the left.

[98] So many of my friends who are on the left are, like, gun control, we should need to get rid of guns.

[99] Just fucking get rid of guns.

[100] That is just the most unrealistic proposition.

[101] And why?

[102] What about the nice people that have guns?

[103] And the guns are already out there.

[104] It's not like something we're about to invent.

[105] Shall we push the button and start this revolution?

[106] No, they've been around fucking hundreds and hundreds of years.

[107] So the idea of stopping guns is preposterous.

[108] Right.

[109] Background checks is a great idea, though.

[110] Sure.

[111] All that stuff is great.

[112] It's very smart.

[113] Gun shows?

[114] Bad idea.

[115] But there's some people that just take it deep.

[116] They take that conservatism.

[117] Sure.

[118] That ideology.

[119] I don't want these kids drinking on my stage.

[120] You're always selling alcohol.

[121] It's like madness.

[122] Yeah.

[123] Can I have a shot and go on stage?

[124] Oh.

[125] What are you going to do?

[126] It'll be funnier?

[127] What are you going to do?

[128] You're going to do it be wilder?

[129] Not at my club.

[130] Oh, listen.

[131] We're not trying to encourage that kind of a good time.

[132] You have a bar.

[133] Yeah.

[134] You serve hard drugs.

[135] It is a bar.

[136] That's the main reason we're all here.

[137] Yeah.

[138] We're up there to sell drinks, basically.

[139] Tequila shots.

[140] Yeah.

[141] On a regular.

[142] You would see me Phoenix knows how to fucking party They would have a platter And on this platter would be like 30 shot glasses With tequila in it Yeah You know That would happen all the time Somebody just said that if you get a 0 .15 or more In Arizona That it immediately equals 30 days minimum in jail You have a Kansas roof All of a sudden Point 15 is pretty strong right Well to me no It was a 1 .015 It was a point it used to be like point nine, right, that it was legally drunk and now it's point 8, they dropped it to 0 .8.

[143] People were complaining.

[144] They dropped it a little.

[145] I feel like I'm 0 .15 right now.

[146] I know I am.

[147] For real.

[148] Gluten or no gluten?

[149] We're 0 .15.

[150] Yeah.

[151] 0 .18 at least.

[152] There's a real problem with drinking and driving, without a doubt.

[153] Unquestionably.

[154] But it doesn't mean that you need to make the levels any luck lower and catch people with like barely a buzz.

[155] Because that seems a little shitty to me. It seems disingenuous to say that, you know, you've got all these places where they park their cars and they serve drinks, but you don't expect them to drink.

[156] Right.

[157] They all have to carpool there.

[158] They have to have a designated driver to go to your restaurant.

[159] Come on.

[160] My dad got pulled over from having just a margarita at a Mexican restaurant with his wife on the way home.

[161] Wow.

[162] He got out of it, but they...

[163] But he could have got into it?

[164] Yeah.

[165] They said that they could illegally have...

[166] you know, like arrest him, giving you a DUI right there.

[167] Wow.

[168] That's crazy shit.

[169] There was a video that I posted up on Twitter the other day.

[170] It was called Speed Kills Your Pocket Book.

[171] This is a guy who detailed, like, the trap that is speed traps.

[172] And he was focusing on Canada, and it was all about Vancouver.

[173] This is one area of open road where it's like the equivalent of 30 miles an hour, you know, it's in kilometers, but it's the equivalent of like 30 miles an hour.

[174] and it's like this long open highway and the cops just wait because nobody goes 30 there's nothing around you anywhere near you and so the cops just wait there in the bushes and they like were bragging on Facebook about the number of tickets that they got there the cops were yes they were saying you know this is a record season for citations and the money going to this and that and this and that they're just stealing money from people you're making a crazy rule you're saying they can only go 30 miles an hour on a highway and then when they go like 50 or 60 you point your gun at them you pull them over and then you rob money from them right it's all about the profit at this point absolutely and then they're getting on the internet and being like we just made so much money off you fuckers well what's interesting is they also had a study that showed that that stretch of land is like one of the safest places in all of the Vancouver area right like they have some of the least traffic accidents there of anywhere right so because of that like because of it there's no justification for fucking keeping it slow.

[175] I mean, it's not like people are dying from left and right.

[176] You need to slow this fucking crazy animal train down.

[177] Like no one's ever died there.

[178] It's a ridiculous.

[179] You should see it.

[180] It's ridiculous.

[181] Like, when you see the stretch and you go, wow, that's 30 miles an hour.

[182] That's crazy.

[183] It's a highway.

[184] Right.

[185] Ohio was worse, man. They had planes, like, those planes that just go up and down and they, like, fucking match how, like, these, like, two white lines on the side of the highway.

[186] Right.

[187] And if you, like, go from one white line to the other one, at a certain speed they know exactly how much over you're going yeah they can time you yeah and they would just have like around the corner they just have a line of cars just on the side of the road because just cops going you that's criminal it really is it's disgusting it's one of the good things about california california they do uh drunk driving stings and shit like that but they're not nearly as bad with with speeding tickets as they are in like Connecticut or someone like that that place is fucking brutal so everything's 55 miles an hour and they're just waiting with radar guns everywhere yeah they're just too busy out here you never see cops on the side of the road with a fucking radar guy yeah they're just stealing money man all those assholes 55 miles an hour what am I a fucking baby what am I on a horse 55 miles an hour that is some stupid shit Hagar was right man Hagar Sammy Hagar oh he's a prophet one foot on a break the gas yeah man weather's too much traffic I can't pass no You couldn't take it You know what I was watching on the Ice House Chronicles The other day We were watching the old Kiss karaoke video that you did Remember at that radio station?

[188] Oh, that's right Yeah Sarah no name Yeah That was pretty good Those guys are awesome What was that?

[189] What happened?

[190] Oh, it was just fucking We just played karaoke And we sang a kiss song Love Gun Pretty good It was ridiculous No, it's not pretty good It's fucking terrible No, I don't need to watch it They're really cool though And no name, he has his own show now And does she have her own show still?

[191] I believe she's still up up there I think no name's in Sacramento maybe I want to say Something like that She's still in San Frame Just if I getting up in the morning If it's not opiate Anthony They're the only ones that get me to get up in the morning It's just like how early Bitch I got a show tonight Joey Diaz called me up and he's like, I want you to have you on the podcast And I'm like, awesome He's like, so Call me at 645 Here's the number And I call me at 645 in the morning Did you do it?

[192] You guys ever done this?

[193] Did you do it?

[194] No I'm going to stay up one day And do Joey's podcast But I'm going to stay up I always catch the first 20 minutes of it And then I fall asleep And my phone dies I'm too fucking tired It's hard to get up at 6 o 'clock at night His phone's off Really?

[195] I'm 11 o 'clock at night dog My phone is off I got the machine on I'm getting my feet rubbed Have you been texting him That's so fun You like the fact that he texted I love it dude Was that new?

[196] Because it's Well there was a time Where he was scream at Brian Brian would send him text To his cell phone We made a video of it He was screaming at him Like if you left a text message He would want to kill you Really?

[197] He would want to kill you And now it's a voicemail If you leave a voicemail He wants to kill you Really?

[198] He gets mad at you So now he's pro text This is all news to me He won't, like, he'll, I'm telling you, he gets mad at you.

[199] Joe Roggan, what the fuck do I say?

[200] Do not leave me voice messages.

[201] I go to get those fucking voice messages.

[202] It freezes up on me. Do not leave me voice messages.

[203] Am I fucking clear?

[204] Yes.

[205] And you're like, dude, I thought you were joking.

[206] You really don't want the...

[207] I fucking hate him.

[208] It makes me sick to my stomach.

[209] I look at my fucking phone.

[210] I see the voicemail message.

[211] It makes me sick to my stomach.

[212] I agree.

[213] I wish I knew all this.

[214] I don't understand that.

[215] Do you agree with him yet, though?

[216] I mean, like, because I mean, I have...

[217] No. 61 unheard voicemails on my phone.

[218] Yeah, but when someone calls you, sometimes they have something important to say.

[219] There's nothing wrong with a voicemail.

[220] And the idea that everything should be text is ridiculous.

[221] Sometimes in order to call back, you kind of got to know what you're getting into.

[222] And if someone can give you a warning, it's kind of nice.

[223] Oh, fuck, yeah.

[224] It's the worst.

[225] If somebody calls you up, okay, are you sitting down?

[226] No, what's this?

[227] God damn, why are you going to fuck with my...

[228] I'm fixing lunch!

[229] Why are you doing it?

[230] I don't even remember that, dude.

[231] Yeah, exactly.

[232] Stop freaking me out Dunbar's number I lost that cat Five years ago I deleted him That's on my Nokia And it's out of batteries Back in the day I turned on one of my old phones The other day Going through all my shit Trying to not be a hoarder I found my old I think it was Dare Remember Dare's cell phones They were like one of the first touchscreen little pieces of shit From Verizon or something No And I plugged it in And charged it up a little bit And I still have like photos on there Like, shit, I forgot all about.

[233] There's so many phones that I have probably a shitload of crazy stuff in there that I was just going to throw away.

[234] I've only had, like, three phones.

[235] Oh, you're one of those guys?

[236] Like, everyone made fun of me forever.

[237] I finally got this.

[238] And now that I'm excited about it, everyone's like, shut the fuck up.

[239] We've all had those for years.

[240] This meaning an iPhone.

[241] An iPhone.

[242] So before you have, like, a flip phone, were you one of those cats?

[243] I had, like, this, it wasn't even flip.

[244] It was just shitty.

[245] It was the cheapest phone.

[246] Like a Nokia?

[247] Yeah, and I wanted to.

[248] to see how long it would last.

[249] Four years is the answer.

[250] Damn.

[251] And what was going on at the end that made you give up?

[252] The charges stopped working.

[253] And the phone died.

[254] And then I went to the store and I didn't know iPhones were pretty much free.

[255] And I was like, you know, you just have to update your plan.

[256] And I was like, well, okay.

[257] Was it like switching from an old piece of shit phone to like modern Star Trek type shit?

[258] The first day I was very stubborn.

[259] I'm like, my life's no different.

[260] and I'm still me. I'm still fucking hate the same things about myself.

[261] But then slowly, you start to use one app at a time to the point where you can't get through your day without the whole fucking thing.

[262] And if something happened to my baby, it'd be over.

[263] That was one of the interesting things about being in Montana.

[264] I was in Montana last year for five days in the woods and shit.

[265] We had no cell phone service, so I didn't touch my phone for five days.

[266] Right.

[267] And it's weird, man. It's weird just talking to people that you're around for five days.

[268] You know, like, you guys are you going to post any photos or anything?

[269] No calls to anybody on the other side of the world.

[270] There was nothing going on, man. It was just.

[271] Well, that's one thing I did like about having my shitty phone was like, I'd be on the computer and I'd be getting crazy over the Twitter.

[272] I'll check the Twitter every day.

[273] I write something I think it was funny.

[274] Only six people like this.

[275] It would drive me insane.

[276] So then I'd go out running.

[277] I'd go do this.

[278] I'd go do that.

[279] My shitty phone still had internet, but it took like, it was like dial up somehow.

[280] It would take like five minutes to get a web page.

[281] And so it kind of kept me off the internet a little bit.

[282] Kept me a little bit more sane.

[283] Hmm.

[284] And I'm happier, but I'm more insane with this thing.

[285] So do you think that the internet makes you insane?

[286] Do you think the possibilities and the options make you insane?

[287] Me personally, because I'm always looking for validation on the internet.

[288] You just fucked up.

[289] If I'm honest with myself.

[290] You just fucked up.

[291] You should have never said that.

[292] Well, that's true.

[293] They're going to know now.

[294] They know your soft spot.

[295] Yeah, you just showed your glowy spot.

[296] Whatever.

[297] It's all about honesty, right?

[298] Yeah, allegedly.

[299] until you're in court it's all about not getting locked in a box I'd like that thing I signed back if you don't mind Mm -hmm That's what I'm talking about I want the radio editor It is Mm -hmm Mm -hmm So this school shooting Or this Rather Navy Yard shooting Is freaking everybody out This is a guy Who apparently went in there How many people are dead now Is at least 12 Yeah They say that this dude was hearing voices.

[300] Yeah, he started going schizo.

[301] Yeah.

[302] Do you have a flip phone or an iPhone?

[303] They're flip phone, for sure.

[304] All right, well.

[305] Yeah, he apparently...

[306] They're already blaming Grand Theft Auto for it.

[307] Yeah, of course.

[308] They immediately start blaming video games, and he played video games.

[309] What people have to realize is a lot of people play video games.

[310] Yeah.

[311] And if video games cause violence, boy, would there be a lot of violence.

[312] I mean, fucking boy.

[313] If the amount of video games corresponded directly with the amount of violence that became in a neighborhood.

[314] Right.

[315] Do you know many fucking people would be killing each other?

[316] Everybody.

[317] Everybody.

[318] At least half.

[319] So many people play games.

[320] And they try to blame it on movies, too, right?

[321] Of course.

[322] So, like, everybody that sees diehard is going to go kill somebody?

[323] It's the whole thing is ridiculous.

[324] It's, you see Dracula, you become a vampire?

[325] What does that mean?

[326] This is stupid.

[327] It's dumb.

[328] The idea that the two are connected is silly.

[329] I think that there's definitely a desensitization of violence that comes from it being depicted in certain ways in film.

[330] But that just because the films are done really shittily, a film that shows like a real murder, a realistic feeling murder, is very disturbing.

[331] Whereas like some sort of Chuck Norrisy type, you know, gun that guy down and gun that guy down.

[332] 80 guys.

[333] Yeah, it's like there's nothing to the feeling.

[334] Right.

[335] Like, if you see the expendables, fun movie, but there's nothing, you're not feeling anything when these guys are getting shot and killed.

[336] Whereas if you, you know, you see a good movie.

[337] Like, what was that, what is that George Clooney movie where he played a hitman?

[338] Michael, somebody?

[339] Michael Clayton?

[340] No, no. No, I think I know what you're talking about, though.

[341] He was a hit man, and it was actually a good movie.

[342] No one's going to blame anything on that movie because no one saw it.

[343] But it's really good.

[344] When that guy fucking died, it took a long -ass time.

[345] It was an interesting movie What was it?

[346] The American, that's what it was called It was a good fucking movie But it was really The murders were real Right You know, it felt like a real murder Like every, like when someone died It was like holy shit And it was like every once in a while Yeah It was like maybe four people died But it was really intense Like I bought it Apparently a lot of people Didn't buy it 68 % of rotten tomatoes I just thought it was interesting Maybe I'm using that Maybe that's not the best example.

[347] But, look, me, I'm immediately changing my tune.

[348] It's the greatest movie ever.

[349] Well, everyone else hated it.

[350] No, I hated it, too.

[351] Hey, I'm cool, too, guys.

[352] No, I like Ocean's 12.

[353] I actually did enjoy it, so you can go fuck yourself.

[354] Oh, well, that's...

[355] Boom.

[356] But that weird quality, that desensitization, I think that is.

[357] That certainly is an issue with dummies.

[358] Yeah.

[359] That's the problem.

[360] We have to decide if we're making things for dummies.

[361] Dumbies are...

[362] Only for dummies?

[363] And dummies are going to do...

[364] dumb shit no matter what, right?

[365] They're definitely going to.

[366] They have to.

[367] That's what they're here for.

[368] They're here to inspire you to not be a dummy.

[369] Watch a dummy slamming the walls.

[370] Part of the energy that comes from that, you know, in this weird sort of relationship that we have with our environment, the energy that comes from dummies is you go, oh, I don't want none of that.

[371] Right.

[372] You just realize it.

[373] It helps you learn without actually having to fail yourself.

[374] Yeah.

[375] Like, we all knew the one guy that was like a little too risky.

[376] It takes too many, He likes to flip off fences.

[377] Watch this guy.

[378] You know, do backflips off a fence.

[379] Like, this guy's going to die one day.

[380] Right.

[381] And then one day, yeah, he dies.

[382] Yeah.

[383] And you're like, oh, I get it.

[384] Except for the jackass guys.

[385] And I mean, I know one of those guys died.

[386] But they made a real career out of it.

[387] They did make a real career.

[388] I mean, one out of those guys dying is a really good number.

[389] It's a great number.

[390] Yeah.

[391] When you think of how they were rocking it.

[392] And the way he died was classic.

[393] speeding, drinking, drinking, speeding, go.

[394] Right.

[395] Oh, by the way, you can totally do that because the bar is a fucking parking lot.

[396] See?

[397] You know?

[398] Yeah.

[399] That's what we were talking about before.

[400] Like, how ridiculous it is that some drugs are illegal, but yet everyone's on this one.

[401] Yeah.

[402] The one that makes you crash more is legal.

[403] The one that makes you an asshole.

[404] That's true.

[405] The one that makes you not realize what you're doing.

[406] The one that makes you blackout.

[407] Oh, yeah.

[408] The one that makes people just almost die and throw up and the next day you feel like your head has been compressed under stacks of bricks and depressed as shit too you can get really depressed off of it you feel terrible it's very depressing and then your flash memory of the night before like oh no I didn't shit fuck that was me I'm a dummy I'm a fucking dummy!

[409] Did I really do that I didn't do that that's not my underwear over and over again yeah it's the worst but yet it's responsible for a lot of fun times it's just one of those things that I think it would be fine as long as we had the other ones as well.

[410] Yeah.

[411] I think the real problem with alcohol is that we, it's not that we don't have, the real problem isn't that we have alcohol in our culture, is that we only have alcohol in our culture.

[412] I think alcohol is fine if it's balanced out by psychedelics.

[413] That's what I think.

[414] I think you're right.

[415] I think it's just like, if you want to do the wildest, most evil shitty decision -making fluid, you should be able to have the ayahuasca too.

[416] You should be able to go on spiritual journeys.

[417] You should be able to learn something here Should have a little balance.

[418] Eat a little cactus.

[419] See the gopher with the third eye.

[420] And he teaches you the wormholes of the universe.

[421] Start a rock and roll band.

[422] That's what I'm saying.

[423] And George Clooney could be our lead guy, man. I bet he could do rock.

[424] He could run for president if he didn't fuck so many chicks.

[425] Wow.

[426] Fucks too many chicks, though.

[427] He could win.

[428] He could win, but for sure, one of those bitches is going to start talking.

[429] Of course.

[430] Of course.

[431] George Clooney, is he at all the, like, Hollywood Studs?

[432] Is he like the greatest leading man type romancer of all time?

[433] Romancer, probably, because he never keeps a girl around for that long, does he?

[434] They get crazy.

[435] Yeah.

[436] You start going, you know, I'm tired of your bullshit.

[437] Right.

[438] And he's like, okay.

[439] Yeah, well, you can't keep doing this, you know.

[440] You're in your 50s.

[441] It's getting, at this point in time, it's like, God, what are you doing?

[442] You're just going to be that guy?

[443] Is that what you're doing?

[444] Are you just going to be that guy?

[445] Yes.

[446] I mean, I'm just saying, if you want to be that guy.

[447] And he's like, yeah, okay, well, you know, you're going to leave me and what?

[448] Go with an older girl now?

[449] Is that what it is?

[450] It's going to be an older girl?

[451] No, it's not.

[452] It's going to be a younger girl.

[453] How much longer do you think you can keep doing that and going with younger girls?

[454] How much longer before some girls just start telling you what you really are?

[455] You're kind of a creepy old man. Probably 20, 25 years.

[456] Yeah, you can probably do that deep into his 70s.

[457] Look at Jack Nicholson.

[458] That's the canary in the coal mine for old actors.

[459] That trumps you're going to die alone every single time.

[460] Oh, my God.

[461] He puts on those sunglasses and goes to Laker games.

[462] and you're like, he's alive.

[463] Yeah.

[464] He's alive and well.

[465] He's doing so good.

[466] He just quit acting, right?

[467] He doesn't ever the fuck he wants.

[468] Exactly.

[469] Why wouldn't he quit acting?

[470] I don't know.

[471] I mean, why would he...

[472] First of all, he must have more money than most countries.

[473] Yeah.

[474] He did so many fucking giant films.

[475] And he could probably give zero fucks at this point in his life.

[476] You just go 100 % pussy at that point.

[477] I wonder if he does.

[478] I wonder if it's like...

[479] And then he can blame that memory thing.

[480] He'd be like, sorry.

[481] Sorry, I don't remember you.

[482] It might just go to nice meals and shit and do whatever the fuck you want.

[483] That sounds amazing.

[484] You know, and he's like a universally loved guy, too.

[485] He can't walk down the street without people shouting his first name.

[486] Yeah.

[487] How great is that?

[488] It's pretty great.

[489] He's a guy from a different era, man. He was the lead in fucking Chinatown, dude.

[490] Yeah.

[491] A lot of people don't understand that.

[492] Their head is not really completely wrapped around that.

[493] You got to go back and watch Chinatown.

[494] It's going down as, like, one of the best scripts ever written, right?

[495] It's one of the greatest movies of all time.

[496] I saw it in a drive -eval.

[497] in with my parents when I was a little kid I remember thinking, I am too young to be watching this.

[498] Like, this is a crazy ass movie when they cut his nose with his life.

[499] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[500] Whoa.

[501] By that pedophile cut his nose?

[502] This is fucking, this is dark man. They cut Jack Nicholson's nose, remember?

[503] Yeah, no, I know.

[504] It was the director, Roman Polansky.

[505] I called him a pedophile.

[506] He is a pedophile.

[507] Yeah.

[508] That's right.

[509] Did you say George Clooney was in that movie?

[510] Yes.

[511] No. Jack Nicholson, you fuck.

[512] You guys always talking.

[513] George Clooney was zero years old.

[514] I know.

[515] I think he was on the facts of life at that point.

[516] I thought you were talking about...

[517] You take the good, you take the bad?

[518] How did you get to...

[519] He was on that for our season.

[520] Well, we're talking about old guys that can keep getting pussy.

[521] You just didn't pay attention.

[522] I was lost their argument.

[523] I was lost in George's eyes.

[524] Here's a little tidbit.

[525] It's a beautiful man. Jack Nicholson was even more beautiful, believe it or not.

[526] Go to Jack Nicholson in Chinatown.

[527] I heard that Jack Nicholson got paid to right head That Monkees movie?

[528] Remember the monkeys?

[529] The monkeys?

[530] Here we are.

[531] Walking down the street.

[532] They had a movie.

[533] A psychedelic movie came out called Head.

[534] Jack Nicholson wrote it.

[535] They took the money and then they made Easy Rider.

[536] Whoa.

[537] I love it.

[538] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[539] Easy rider.

[540] And that started it all.

[541] I mean, Jack Nicholson, I heard he was about to quit before Easy Rider.

[542] Wow.

[543] You imagine if he quit is just like a car salesman somewhere in Indiana?

[544] Well, it's so funny.

[545] I mean, why not?

[546] But, I mean, maybe the car salesman would have to be.

[547] more fun.

[548] Maybe.

[549] Less pressure.

[550] Yeah, there's a lot of pressure being Jack Nicholson.

[551] But he gives so little fucks that there's not as much pressure you think for a lot of people.

[552] It's beautiful.

[553] He's so comfortable in his own skin, you know.

[554] He was at the Mayweather fight, and they were interviewing him.

[555] He just kept eating.

[556] He had a mouthful of food.

[557] He didn't worry about it.

[558] He's not worried about it at all.

[559] He's like, oh, yeah, Floyd's saying, he's very fast you know I mean the guy's got a puncher's chance but it just doesn't give a fuck I we was talking about Roman Polanski for a second and it reminded me to Sharon Tate which reminded me of you guys are always talking about documentaries on here there's a Manson documentary that just came back out in theaters it's called Manson came out in 73 and they yanked it because Squeaky Fromm was on trial so the lawyers got it taken away but they started filming this documentary before the murders because it was just a documentary on this cult living out in the, you know, on the ranch.

[560] And that was interesting enough for the filmmakers.

[561] But then as they were filming, people started getting taken off to jail.

[562] And now you got all these girls toting guns given interviews.

[563] It's an amazing documentary.

[564] I mean, it's amazing.

[565] Yeah, Charles Manson knew how to turn a freak out.

[566] It's amazing.

[567] I mean, I don't think I could pull that off.

[568] Charles Manson was a trippy character, man. I mean, you want to talk about like a dude?

[569] who defined the 60s he ended it he fucking ended the 60s well he definitely was the worst case scenario yeah they started carving fucking X's in their foreheads yeah shaving their heads exes in the foreheads but there's this one scene in Manson where all the whole family is singing like a happy song and they made like they produced a video that looks like something out of the monkeys or something and it's weird it's really strange I forgot about those photos Go back to that, Brian Was that real?

[570] Oh yeah, it was 100 % real They carved X's in their heads Yeah, and then he First was an X Then he turned into a swatsticker They went to jail And remember who was it Squeaky Fromm that tried to kill Gerald Ford?

[571] But they're talking so much shit In these interviews And they're talking about violence On television And that's why they're violent Back then They shaved their heads Yeah, as a statement.

[572] Oh, this isn't the actual movie, Brian.

[573] This is a recreation.

[574] That was some fake shit.

[575] This one came out in 73, and it's got the lawyer that put Manson away.

[576] He's given all these...

[577] His part is terrible.

[578] He's like, it's like a really bad, like, cable access.

[579] He's like, in 1969, the Manson family was on trial.

[580] And then you do, like, a weird pose.

[581] It was, like, really bad acting.

[582] But it's the actual lawyer that put Manson away.

[583] Oh, wow.

[584] And they interviewed him.

[585] It's like the guy.

[586] Like, if you stop and think about, like, when people talk about serial killers, what do they always say?

[587] They always go with Manson.

[588] NWA references him.

[589] Everybody references them.

[590] Manson.

[591] Manson.

[592] It's like, I ate your garbage, man. Tell me in a sentence, who you are.

[593] You see a look at his face.

[594] Nobody.

[595] He made a bunch of crazy faces and then said, nobody.

[596] Whoa.

[597] Are you mad?

[598] Do you feel like Wookebab's right for a franish?

[599] Okay.

[600] Okay.

[601] For folks listening and not watching, it's some goofy -ass video where there's all this biblical music that's playing over it.

[602] Why are they doing that?

[603] Ooh, there's the murders.

[604] Brian, no one can even hear this.

[605] What's with the music?

[606] where that guy's saying.

[607] You should have not listened to that whole thing.

[608] Couldn't hear him.

[609] You see if you can find something it's actually just him, because that's stupid.

[610] When it's actually him, you get to see how fucking nutty he really was.

[611] And that video would have done it without the fucking music.

[612] I'm a product of your society, man. You made me. I hate your garbage.

[613] There's no radio.

[614] There's no clocks.

[615] There's no electric lights.

[616] The girls carry water.

[617] They don't wear makeup.

[618] They have their babies by themselves.

[619] They go in the shack and squat down and have their babies.

[620] I live on the ground.

[621] I live on the earth.

[622] I don't live.

[623] I lived in Hollywood, and I had all that.

[624] The Rose Royce and the Ferrari and the pad in Beverly Hills.

[625] I had the surfboard and the beach boys and the Beaskeeps and the Meal Diamond and the Rob Scobb and Jimmy Griffin and Elvis Presley's, and Elvis Presley's, Mescott, and all them guys.

[626] The Dina Martins and the Nancy Sinai.

[627] and the gaffa suffer and will you do it to me i hear you do it good honey and all that kind will you come up to my house later so i went through all that and i seen that was a bigger prison than the one i just got out of and i really didn't care to go back to prison see prison doesn't begin and end at the gate prison is in the mind it's locked in one world that's dead and dying or it's open to a world that's free and alive hold on this guy sounds like me yeah that didn't sound that crazy.

[628] Dude should have a podcast.

[629] This guy's great.

[630] That's one part of the documentary they talk about how they delivered babies at the ranch and they talked about one part where they got like a pair of scissors and just fucking did it home style.

[631] Oh, Jesus.

[632] Owie.

[633] Had babies like that.

[634] What a sick fuck.

[635] It was just amazing to me that people have such a desire to be led that someone can come along like that.

[636] It's just so completely out to lunch and gather a good, solid group of loyalists.

[637] We had, like, you know, seven, eight people, right?

[638] And there were, like, a lot of them were, like, honor students and, like, well -to -do people from good homes.

[639] Well, there was a thing that happened in the 1960s and 70s where a lot of people were rebelling so hard from the standard lifestyle, the father -nosed -best type shit they grew up with, that communes were really common, and there's cults were popping up places.

[640] Food co -ops, video stores.

[641] It was men.

[642] I have a buddy, his ex -girlfriend, grew up in a cult, man. And the cult leader would have sex with everyone's wife.

[643] It's like, there was a gang of those going on.

[644] Like, they were all over the place back then.

[645] That's the thing.

[646] That's like the main part.

[647] Yeah, sex.

[648] Well, that's what people want.

[649] Yeah.

[650] They like it.

[651] It feels good.

[652] Yeah.

[653] That is the main thing.

[654] That's the main reason why we're still here.

[655] That's exactly.

[656] That's how these cults form.

[657] It's always, as soon as you let some guy just get that much fucking power, the guy tells you is Jesus, you know, he's going to start banging people.

[658] It's just a matter of time.

[659] I really like how the Beatles were prophets, though.

[660] I mean, who wouldn't want to be part of this religion?

[661] The Beatles were prophets, you think?

[662] Oh, yeah.

[663] The white album, he took as, like, his gospel.

[664] Oh, Charles.

[665] And, like, Helter Skelter was all about this big race war.

[666] That's what he saw.

[667] And there's a song about killing pigies.

[668] They wrote that in blood.

[669] And he saw them as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

[670] The Beatles.

[671] Wow.

[672] And even, I think George Harrison went into, like, testify and stuff.

[673] He was on the witness stand and stuff.

[674] Even Ringo?

[675] Ringo doesn't count.

[676] No, but they did get Pete Best, which was weird.

[677] There's nothing better than a dude with a creepy accent telling you about the apocalypse.

[678] Yeah.

[679] And doing it, like, 100 % sure.

[680] He knows.

[681] You know, the apocalypse is coming.

[682] The four horsemen.

[683] What's one direction?

[684] Is that the new girl band?

[685] One direction?

[686] Yeah, like you don't know.

[687] How many of them are there?

[688] How many of them are there?

[689] Let's say four.

[690] New girl bands?

[691] Let's say four.

[692] No, how many in the band?

[693] There's four girls in one direction, let's say.

[694] The lights were off.

[695] Just so they can be profits.

[696] Let's say it's...

[697] There's 12.

[698] Twelve.

[699] Twelve boys?

[700] Twelve disciples.

[701] Twelve disciples.

[702] Imagine if it was.

[703] 12 disciples One Direction I've never heard a One Direction song And you're not gonna play one either No I'm not going to Oh you're trying to give me to play No no no no I wasn't even doing it No no no Brian I told you I told you they were staying at the hotel Next to the comedy store recently And there was just mobs of like these little kids Like like 12 to 13 And their parents at two in the morning Next to the comedy store What the fuck man That seems like a bad idea Like this comedy store.

[704] That's the comedy star from Grand Theft Auto, right?

[705] Yeah.

[706] Look how realistic it is.

[707] Oh, that's amazing.

[708] They even got the yellow poles right there.

[709] That is...

[710] Is that my name right there on the wall?

[711] Yeah.

[712] Having it on the back, finally paid off.

[713] The comedy store signs missing, though, where Kinnison shot the hole through.

[714] Yeah.

[715] In that corner?

[716] Where?

[717] In that corner, the left corner?

[718] Uh -huh.

[719] Far left, all the way to the left.

[720] The edge left.

[721] Yeah.

[722] That right there, there's a sign in the actual store.

[723] Right there.

[724] It says the comedy store, and there's a bullet hole in it.

[725] Where Kinnison got mad at Dice Clay.

[726] And then he came.

[727] to the back parking line, he pulled out a gun and shot a fucking hole through the sun.

[728] Wow.

[729] I think he was banned for that for a couple weeks.

[730] Just a couple weeks?

[731] Yeah.

[732] You're doing all late spots from that for the rest of the week.

[733] Well, he had the Kinnison's an spot anyway.

[734] You know, you always had late spots.

[735] That was the whole thing.

[736] Yeah.

[737] He was the original trench coat mafia.

[738] Kenison was the greatest.

[739] In my opinion, from 86 to 87, he's the best comic of all time.

[740] That's my opinion.

[741] I was around back then.

[742] I got to see the impact of that guy and especially if you put it in perspective it's really hard to put it in perspective like the comedy of today is it's just comedy of 2013 the comedy of 1986 was a completely different world absolutely and kinnison when he burst on the scene in 86 it was no one had ever been anything like that before it was so unique and different it's almost impossible to put in perspective today what an impact it had because he was just so different than anything else.

[743] He's almost like nirvana of comedy because he'd do the real quiet real quiet and then real loud but it was all like set up punch back then.

[744] It was great shit.

[745] Yeah.

[746] And then he came around and it was just insanity just venting.

[747] Yeah and the way would go about it was so painful.

[748] Yeah.

[749] Did you ever see?

[750] I was married for two fucking years.

[751] How would be like clubbed?

[752] And you'd know you're like you looked at them.

[753] Remember when he fucking played that song on HBO?

[754] Yeah.

[755] You took my records!

[756] You, I want my records back!

[757] Pull that up.

[758] Sam Kinnison's song.

[759] The Sam Kinnison Piano song.

[760] Did you ever see him?

[761] End of his first hit.

[762] I got to see him live several times.

[763] Wow.

[764] Yeah.

[765] I got to see him, unfortunately, though, when he was already slipping.

[766] Yeah.

[767] I missed the fucking good days, dude.

[768] I got to see him when he was already just, like, he'd coke down two cylinders.

[769] What was the slipping face?

[770] Yeah, the love song, that's it.

[771] This is his encore.

[772] It's such a special night, this is our last show, that I thought it was appropriate to do a love song.

[773] I wrote this about this girl that I met about five years ago.

[774] I was going to come out with some money, you know, I'm trying to live out here for a while, and I met this girl, and they wanted to impress her, you know, so we went through all my cash in about a year.

[775] Then one day she said, you know Sam, there's something missing from our relationship.

[776] I said, well, it wouldn't be the cash by any chance, would it, honey?

[777] She said, no, we found so many special things about each other.

[778] I just, I hate to see it all go to waste because the passion's gone.

[779] She says, can we still, like, see each other once in a while and have lunch or see a movie or just to be friends?

[780] I said yeah friends I'd I get stuck into watching this because it's gonna pay off huge man become some kind of emotional tampon that you need four or five days a month but no one else will take your fucking bullshit but we don't fuck in that about right honey as the friends is we don't fuck right she said well yeah that's kind of it wrote this song goes like this he was the best that really is the best where was that taped do you know that was at the Roxy God that was awesome right on sunset That was really awesome Yeah well he was a he was a totally different thing man His brother wrote a great book about him It's called Brother Bill or my brother sam yeah um and uh he talked about how sam was in a car accident when he was a kid he got hit by a car like like really bad yeah really badly hurt and then was a totally different person at what age like it was early that was like eight or something something like yeah but he's like he became kentison he got hit by a car and then became like wild and reckless and didn't give a fuck and that's an interesting thing because that's something that they show with uh head trauma especially head trauma at an early age.

[781] Yeah.

[782] Like they associated it with gambling, gambling addictions.

[783] Right.

[784] But also with like really radical personality changes.

[785] No kidding.

[786] Yeah.

[787] That's how he died too.

[788] Yeah.

[789] Yeah, drunk driver.

[790] It's crazy.

[791] What's really crazy is he used to do bits about drunk driving.

[792] He, when I say like he slipped, I've talked about it so much on the podcast.

[793] Oh, okay.

[794] A little too, I try not to reiterate.

[795] Gotcha.

[796] I think he just started part of it.

[797] party in too much.

[798] And then he just wasn't the same guy anymore.

[799] Right.

[800] His bits just, they weren't, they lost it.

[801] Right.

[802] Got super rich.

[803] And, and I got to see him then.

[804] I got to see a couple sets that just were like, you know, not very good.

[805] Yeah.

[806] It wasn't, the writing wasn't the same.

[807] Gotcha.

[808] Like, there's a clear difference between the earlier stuff and the layer stuff.

[809] So it's like a good thing to learn as a comedian.

[810] Like some guys get better as time goes on.

[811] Some guys, they would, they would hit that proverbial wall yeah and with him it had to be coke too how much coke duck I was doing yeah and I mean if you hit a wall when you're that successful and that in the spotlight it can be kind of to the point where like you don't even feel like spending the time to develop because it kind of scares you so much I think it could you know he might not have put the time into it anymore he definitely wasn't doing late spots every night he was just banging checks yeah he wouldn't put in the time in I mean he was just doing coke and partying and going to Hollywood parties.

[812] That only works for so long.

[813] Yeah, it's hard to stay that guy, that outsider.

[814] Yeah, everybody loves you.

[815] Exactly.

[816] Yeah, comedy's a fucking strange gig, man. The only people that comics ever really truly let in are other comics.

[817] I know.

[818] You know, get to know other comics, kind of understand, but you can't, try to get in with regular Hollywood.

[819] That ain't going to work out, dude.

[820] Right.

[821] They're not going to understand you.

[822] That's true.

[823] Because they're like crazy PC, right?

[824] And we're like crazy not.

[825] Well, what's the deal?

[826] I don't even know.

[827] The real thing with actors is here's the number one thing.

[828] They have to be chosen.

[829] So because they have to be chosen, they're all trying to be chosen.

[830] And when you're trying to be chosen all the time, you usually go about it by being as fake as fuck.

[831] You go about it by trying to concoct some sort of an artificial personality that you think would be acceptable to casting agents or to producers.

[832] It's one of the reasons why so many people are left -wing.

[833] like so many people in Hollywood are left wing it's almost like you know you want to endear yourself to the ideology of whoever's trying to oh I do I think that too choose me choose me right and it's also one of the reasons why psychologically there's some of the most problematic people you'll ever have to deal with they're so fucking needy and broken because their entire cycle of their business is like need not being met need not being met need not being met rejection rejection rejection rejection action.

[834] Success.

[835] See?

[836] Told you.

[837] It's almost like this, they were abused by life.

[838] Yeah, which they have been.

[839] But it's an unnatural pursuit.

[840] It's an unnatural pursuit.

[841] And even if you get it, Jesus Christ, the world's going to think you're a fucking superhero.

[842] Meanwhile, you're a guy reading lines.

[843] They got you hooked on wires.

[844] You fly through the air.

[845] You have to pretend you can kick every man's ass, even who has a gun in 30 seconds.

[846] No one's really like that.

[847] God.

[848] And they also throw your ass away pretty quick, too.

[849] Oh, kiddie -doo.

[850] Oh, kitty -do.

[851] And that's really hard.

[852] They don't just throw you away.

[853] They, like, beat your ass down.

[854] They follow you around with cameras and stuff.

[855] Depends on your choices, I guess.

[856] Yeah.

[857] Well, they definitely can follow you around on cameras, especially if you're getting old and you watch your body rot away at the beach.

[858] Oh, yeah.

[859] Get some funky knees going.

[860] Weird elbow skin and neck skin and shit where everything just starts just caving off the body, and they're just there to photograph it in high detail.

[861] Look at her.

[862] No one wants to fuck that.

[863] Meanwhile, she's like, I retired 10 years ago.

[864] I'm a teacher.

[865] Fuck you.

[866] That's not very common, though, is it?

[867] No, it's not.

[868] You went with best case scenario.

[869] She retired, and now she's an intellectual.

[870] You teach is actually.

[871] She's so smart.

[872] She teaches those to be smart.

[873] Oh, I base that story on no one.

[874] No one.

[875] No one.

[876] This is an infected spot.

[877] It really is.

[878] Infected and affected.

[879] And a big part of it is because of the whole Hollywood influence.

[880] The real problem with the Hollywood influence is not the liberal aspect of.

[881] It's the bleeding heart that everybody always talks about.

[882] The real problem with the Hollywood influence is fake.

[883] The fake people.

[884] It's all people who are trying to be something in order to get picked.

[885] And then people who are trying to figure out some way to get some unwarranted amount of attention because they didn't get it when they were young.

[886] Right.

[887] It's this massive, and then there's, of course, there's musicians in there, and there's painters in there.

[888] There's a lot of cool people.

[889] Sure.

[890] Don't get me wrong.

[891] You're running to a lot of cool people.

[892] But how many, in comparison to annoying ones?

[893] Is it like 10 to 1 or something like that?

[894] It might be 10 to 1.

[895] Like 10 annoying people before you find like one really cool one.

[896] Absolutely.

[897] I mean, at any given party.

[898] Especially if you're trying to be an actor.

[899] Jesus Christ.

[900] What are the odds of their...

[901] I mean, there's cool ones.

[902] Don't get me wrong.

[903] I know a lot of cool actors and actresses and directors and producers.

[904] It's cool people in all walks of life.

[905] But goddamn, there's a lot of annoying people.

[906] But in general.

[907] In general.

[908] The acting profession.

[909] That Bill Hicks quotes the greatest, fevered egos.

[910] That's what we call them, fevered egos.

[911] It's just, it's not, it's, I think because of the fact that we're not allowed to have certain things in this life, there's laws against certain psychedelics, and there's laws against certain types of behavior.

[912] And there's always restrictive behavior.

[913] Now, things are even more restrictive now.

[914] We find out the NSA is listening to every phone call you make and checking all your text for, key words i bombed last night at the improv what no fly list yeah what the fuck man yeah that's not a joke i mean this all that stuff just even further tightens down that that feeling of suppression that human beings have we don't like that shit no but it's everywhere now it is i mean and like everyone a lot of people are doing bad financially that's another like suppression suppressive feeling they're getting and then being watched the whole time.

[915] It's just weird.

[916] I figured we'd be way better at it by now.

[917] I felt like when I was a kid, people were actually better at running a society than today.

[918] It's almost like the more options we got as human beings, the more it got to the point where it was just completely carried away.

[919] I mean, back when you were young, I mean, there was like warrants.

[920] Remember warrants?

[921] Yes, I do.

[922] The judge had to issue a warrant before you could arrest somebody.

[923] Yeah.

[924] Yeah, that's how it used to be.

[925] The cops had to go to a judge, and the judge would go, well, let me see here.

[926] What's the evidence?

[927] Okay?

[928] Then they came up with this thing called the NDAA.

[929] And they basically just made it so they don't have to do anything.

[930] They don't have to have a judge's request.

[931] They don't have to have a court order.

[932] They don't have to have real specific evidence.

[933] They can basically do whatever the fuck they want.

[934] And how new is this?

[935] Is this Patriot Act or what is this?

[936] No, it's NDAA.

[937] The National Defense.

[938] What is it?

[939] What the fuck is it?

[940] Something initiative?

[941] Authorization Act, National Defensive Authorization Act?

[942] Yeah, it's widely criticized.

[943] If you go to the first thing on the, if you Google search, the first one is the ACLU talking about how horrible the National Defense Authorization Act is.

[944] It's just sad.

[945] This is my problem with all of it.

[946] They'll tell you, like, you know, well, this is, we just need this for terrorism and against terrorism and really bad people because really bad people are plopping.

[947] Maybe.

[948] But you can't do that because you know what you're doing.

[949] You know what you're doing.

[950] By preventing these attacks that you so believe are going to happen, you've changed our world to a fear -based world.

[951] You've changed our world.

[952] You've made it so that we're going to monitor everyone all the time, take away all privacy in order to ensure safety.

[953] That's like some Thomas Jefferson type quotes.

[954] what is it, was it Ben Franklin that said if you preserve security over liberty you deserve neither?

[955] Right.

[956] I don't know if he said that but that sounds good.

[957] I think that was, yeah, I think that was the quote.

[958] I mean, it's also...

[959] But it's like these guys wrote that in 1700s.

[960] Right.

[961] But it hasn't been working either.

[962] No. We just had that thing yesterday.

[963] There's the Boston thing.

[964] Well, there's the thing is these Boston things and this guy yesterday, these are people that aren't even, they're not even from another country.

[965] Right.

[966] We've got homegrown crazy fucks.

[967] And this has zero to do with the NSA monitoring people's text messages.

[968] Because this guy was getting text messages from Mars.

[969] This dude was hearing voices and shit and telling people.

[970] Right.

[971] He's on drugs.

[972] He was on some sort of meds, you know?

[973] I don't know how he got access to guns.

[974] I don't know if they were legal or illegal.

[975] Matt Fultron.

[976] There's no answers.

[977] That's the problem.

[978] I just went to Big Five the other day in, like, El Hambra or Pasadena, and they had guns there.

[979] You need them out there.

[980] You really do.

[981] Shoot your way back on.

[982] You really do.

[983] Shoot you.

[984] We were back to the motherland.

[985] I just wanted goggles, but I was going to swim home.

[986] And then the other problem is meth.

[987] You know, we've got a real meth problem in this country.

[988] Right.

[989] It's a giant, giant problem.

[990] Right.

[991] Like pretty much everywhere outside of a city, that's meth town.

[992] Right.

[993] You just go out, you get in the city, and you drive out into the hinterland, and you're going to hit some meth.

[994] Right.

[995] It's everywhere.

[996] Right.

[997] If you were a hat comic, let's say you were, and you went up on stage, you'd be like, hey I was just in such and such they got a lot of meth over there that's gonna kill and every one nighter across the country They all know where the meth is Yeah Everyone knows Because it's everywhere But if you say their town They get fucking pissed to you Right You gotta say one town over Even if they know There's meth in their town Right They just in denial It's from the next town over No Modesto bro You got it wrong No no no no no You got it wrong That's Fresno body That's Fresno Fresno's got a bunch of meth queer people in Fresno nothing of a gay is in Fresno they just decide what spot sucks more than their spot which is awesome our spot will kick your spot's ass and on the bad list is always gay that's always about two or three yep or meth gay or meth gay and meth together usually they go together though okay that's true is that the argument at the gay club yes they do which Fresno has plenty of who who Frasda down, okay?

[998] Better tell somebody.

[999] Better tell somebody.

[1000] Yeah, there's some spots that are not good, and it's all the spots in between cities.

[1001] Yeah, I know.

[1002] Cities get a bad rap, but guess what?

[1003] It's not good to live on your own in the woods.

[1004] No. It's not good.

[1005] I mean, it's not bad, as long as you're, like, close to, like, Denver or something like that.

[1006] Sure.

[1007] But, like, but just trying to do that, you know, out there in the middle of the Pacific Northwest thing or going out to South Dakota.

[1008] and he's good.

[1009] It lives on a Thousandneager Ranch.

[1010] Right.

[1011] You know what a Thousandegger Ranch looks like in South Dakota?

[1012] The same as a sandbox, just way bigger.

[1013] Right.

[1014] And, yeah.

[1015] Like, you can't, it's good to have privacy, but it's good to have people checking you every once in a while.

[1016] You know?

[1017] Flat areas like Kansas.

[1018] Couldn't believe how big.

[1019] Where's the next guy?

[1020] He's like 50 miles away.

[1021] 50 miles away is the next guy?

[1022] What do you do if you need some shit?

[1023] Well, I hope I have it.

[1024] Okay.

[1025] What are you doing that?

[1026] out here, man. Just Have you ever driven cross country, like the whole air cross country?

[1027] Only once when I was a little boy.

[1028] The first thought you have around Kansas is, we need to take all this from the Indians?

[1029] Like, we needed all this shit.

[1030] We haven't even done anything with it yet.

[1031] We stole it so slow.

[1032] Oh, my God.

[1033] It was like every couple weeks we took some more.

[1034] We haven't done shit with it.

[1035] Yeah.

[1036] Well, I mean, we've done a lot.

[1037] We've done a lot.

[1038] There's some spots we give them, Matt Fultron.

[1039] I know.

[1040] They can have their spot.

[1041] Yeah.

[1042] That's the weirdest thing ever.

[1043] Not that I'm against it.

[1044] Don't get me wrong.

[1045] I'm just philosophically, I'm saying it's weird.

[1046] That you have, we have reservations.

[1047] And on the reservations, a lot of folks don't really even understand that the same laws don't apply.

[1048] Reservation is not technically the United States of America.

[1049] Like, they have their own law.

[1050] Right.

[1051] Yeah.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] People go, well, how's there a casino there?

[1054] Oh, that's Indian land.

[1055] Yeah.

[1056] And everybody's like, what?

[1057] Can we go in?

[1058] Yeah, we can go in.

[1059] It's the Indians Casino.

[1060] Oh, what the fuck?

[1061] Right.

[1062] You remember when those things started popping up?

[1063] Yeah.

[1064] And some of them are like really small, so you'll be driving through Oregon and you'll just be like, hey, that little, I don't know, 1 ,000 square feet, that shopping center is Indian.

[1065] You can go in and gamble, you know, right next to the liquor store or whatever.

[1066] You know, it's crazy.

[1067] Yeah, there's weird small ones.

[1068] Like, I saw a small one in Washington State where.

[1069] headed up to Mount Rainier.

[1070] Mm -hmm.

[1071] And there was this, like, weird fucking casino right there.

[1072] It's just real strange, like bright, shiny neon lights and everything's going, ding, ding, so if you're thinking of doing something stupid, it's like, come on, do it over here.

[1073] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[1074] All right, shit, fuck.

[1075] I got a hook.

[1076] I got some money.

[1077] Exactly.

[1078] Oh, now I don't got no money.

[1079] Damn.

[1080] How do you think that building gets big?

[1081] Why is that building so big?

[1082] Why is it so shiny?

[1083] Why is there so much neon?

[1084] It costs money to run, stupid.

[1085] Oh, yeah.

[1086] Where's that money coming from?

[1087] Assholes like you don't know how to play poker.

[1088] Silly bitch.

[1089] Assholes like me. Assholes like me. That is a weird thing, though, that I don't think the people that are profiting off of that are entirely Indian.

[1090] I don't think it's like only Native Americans that own those casinos.

[1091] What do you think goes on?

[1092] I think you're allowed to go into business with a Native American if you're like an American.

[1093] Right.

[1094] Regular American.

[1095] Right.

[1096] You know, a white guy like you.

[1097] You go into business.

[1098] You like the type of guy would show up.

[1099] Listen, Mr. Wildflower, we have a, we have a plan here to make you quite a bit of money.

[1100] Right.

[1101] No more horses, no more tents.

[1102] How about a Rolls -Royce?

[1103] You want a Rolls -Royce?

[1104] We'll give you a Rolls -Royce.

[1105] Next thing you know, you got a fucking giant -ass casino.

[1106] And if you build a casino, people will come to it.

[1107] Absolutely.

[1108] No doubt about it.

[1109] Yeah.

[1110] People love it.

[1111] Have you ever been to those ones that they have out in the middle of the California desert?

[1112] like out San Bernardino area you know like way out past there yeah and I've been like to ones like you know an hour outside of Vegas and stuff like that too I played comedy shows at those oh those are dark I left my soul in Laughlin what is that like that's pretty awful yeah what was that like it was it was rough it was absolutely rough but at the same time wasn't that bad there was plenty of laughs it was just kind of like that dead feeling like what are we doing here you You're dealing with people that settle for less.

[1113] Or came to see you.

[1114] Yeah, that's what it was.

[1115] They came to see the MC.

[1116] Dude.

[1117] Or, I mean, think about that.

[1118] Like, there's a big difference between going to that place, like being forced to go to that place and going that place and choosing to do shows there and having people come there because it's a spectacle.

[1119] Right.

[1120] Because it's, I mean, that's a unique slice of Americana.

[1121] Absolutely.

[1122] Yeah, and there's like, you know, people from all.

[1123] all over coming to like Laughlin instead of Vegas because it's like kind of cheaper and they can kind of so it's not just people from Laughlin there they must be so weird it is weird they must be the weirdest people ever it is weird people that choose to go there like I've heard Reno is really weird too Reno I kind of like really have you been there never it's kind of cool because it's like it's halfway nice but it's not crazy like Vegas do you know what I mean it's not insane there's not as many people yelling.

[1124] There's not as many douchebags.

[1125] There's not as much diesel jeans.

[1126] It's like old Vegas.

[1127] But it's, yeah, it's still kind of all right.

[1128] I'm not against Reno.

[1129] Really?

[1130] So you've had fun times there?

[1131] Definitely.

[1132] I've never been, but I've heard nothing but bad things.

[1133] Oh, okay.

[1134] Did Stanhope record his first CD there?

[1135] I did.

[1136] I think he did.

[1137] I think Stan Hope recorded his first, first CD there, like, back in, like, the 1989, 90, somewhere around there?

[1138] I did a show at the Reno Hilton, and it was in the basement, and it was an old movie theater, and I was there for, like, seven days that week, and there was never more than 25 people in the audience.

[1139] And then I saw somebody that I knew that was playing this huge 3 ,000 theater up on, like, the second floor or the first floor, somewhere and I ran into him in the elevator and he was like come play my big show tonight so I did a shitty show in the basement for like 25 people and then I did a huge show for like 3 ,000 people and then I went back down and did the late show in front of another 22 people and one guy brought his baby and shit it was the most anticlimactic night of my life he brought his baby somebody brought their baby in the audience and the club runner was like that's fine that's fine I mean what's he supposed to do with the baby oh my god that's hilarious Drunks at a comedy club and a baby.

[1140] Bring your baby to a casino in the first place and then bring it to a comedy show.

[1141] Come on.

[1142] And then I've seen your act, dude.

[1143] The words come out of your mouth into a baby's ears.

[1144] That shit's offensive.

[1145] It is.

[1146] It's rude.

[1147] It's more offensive to the - Did you change your act for the baby?

[1148] No, fuck the baby.

[1149] That baby's going to hear worse than me. You say that.

[1150] How do you know, man?

[1151] You should have changed your act for the little kid.

[1152] That's all I'm saying.

[1153] If I'm that guy, finding fault in you.

[1154] The guy looking for fault.

[1155] Yeah, why didn't he just change his act?

[1156] How hard is it to change your act for a baby?

[1157] You don't want to change your act for a baby?

[1158] Who the fuck are you, man?

[1159] Huh?

[1160] Man. What are you anti -baby?

[1161] Fuckhead?

[1162] No, I got some rattle material.

[1163] Did you see these fucking floods in Colorado?

[1164] I didn't.

[1165] They finally released a gang of photos that show how devastating it was.

[1166] It's incredible.

[1167] giant chunks of the highway just washed away streams became raging rivers so many people's houses are fucked up this is they said a once -and -a -thousand -a -thousand -year storm and where exactly is this?

[1168] It's all in Colorado it's like the town the entire town of Lions, Colorado were towed to evacuate this is insane I mean the runoff from last week's flood is just slowly making it down the side of the mountains and like we don't wrap our heads around how much water that is.

[1169] It's like, oh, the water rains and then comes down.

[1170] So what?

[1171] No, no, not so what?

[1172] This is like landscape changing, house removing shit.

[1173] That's your house.

[1174] That's your property.

[1175] Yeah.

[1176] It's gone.

[1177] And it never happens.

[1178] Never happens.

[1179] But once every thousand years, just something goes, bonkers and this cold front or warm front or whatever the fuck it is it causes these things just decides to just unload the greatest Peter North load from the sky all over Colorado it's really insane man it's really insane they said 500 people are unaccounted for 18 ,000 homes around the state have been fucked up this is incredible man 18 ,000 homes fucked up more than 6 ,400 people have applied for aid by FEMA more than $430 ,000 has been approved in individual assistance such as temporary housing and home repairs FEMA said Tuesday so this is like financially it's going to be very devastating to all these people this is incredible man the pictures are insane I urge you to go to Google and look at, like, streets that have just become raging rivers.

[1180] It's really, really weird, man. Did you ever see that documentary on Katrina?

[1181] Which one?

[1182] There was one where probably a lot of documentaries have this on, but they try to go, they all on foot going across a bridge to, what's next door?

[1183] Arkansas?

[1184] What state is next door?

[1185] They were trying to go to a different county or a different state, and the police on the other side were like, Nah, you're not coming over.

[1186] You're not coming into our land.

[1187] Well, they made them stay, you know, in New Orleans.

[1188] Wow.

[1189] It's really weird.

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] Like, you can't cross state line or county line or something.

[1192] Isn't that insane?

[1193] Just because they just decided, because you're refugees, you can't cross?

[1194] Yeah.

[1195] That's hilarious.

[1196] That's awful.

[1197] They had a problem.

[1198] They finally made it.

[1199] And then, like, the cops were there to be like, nope.

[1200] They had a problem in Houston.

[1201] In Houston, there was a lot of fucking people that were coming over from Katrina.

[1202] Maybe that was it.

[1203] Yeah, Houston was bad, man. I remember we were there, and we were there for a gig, and we went driving around, and we went down to this shelter.

[1204] It was fucking crazy how many people were out there on the streets.

[1205] Yeah.

[1206] And I was like, what's going on?

[1207] He goes, oh, these are all Katrina refugees.

[1208] I was like, that is unbelievable.

[1209] Yeah.

[1210] Like, that seems to be, that's a national emergency.

[1211] Right.

[1212] Like, people need to go in there and help these people out.

[1213] Like this is nuts These people have houses And now they're here Like is no one freaking out over this Like that could be you That could be me Absolutely In a second Yeah It's weird We're just We just accept The idea that This The place that we're living in This is how it is And this is just what it is And you know This is what the floor looks like Right The trees look like No Every now and then Some shit happens It changes everything See these mountains Right in front of your face dummy like where do you think those came from you know those were flat and then they became mountains yeah like it's going to happen to this place too stupid absolutely no no no this is uh my property's been in the family for years it's not going anywhere my payments are always on time we're just going to rebuild so i know i pay substantial amount of taxes every year so I assure you I'm going nowhere meanwhile a fucking mountain starts the mountain starts at his house Yeah Over the next million years It moves 100 feet a day You fucking crazy assholes Human beings, man We just decide that we could put a house Right on the beach Sure House is in Malibu Yeah 5 million bucks plus Right right there Right There's the water underneath my house This is where it's gonna stay It's not forever It's not forever I mean how much What if it goes back How much for They can't even go back It's like Where's my house What doesn't exist anymore Well can I rebuild Nope You can't rebuild because you don't own that spot That's the ocean now You own it But you can only like surf And maybe sail on it Yeah what do you do You have put a bobber This is where my spot is Maybe a dock I own this one quarter Of an acre That's now underwater That I paid 16 million for That's my spot I'm rich I'm bigger than the ocean You're never bigger than fucking ocean Yeah, the ocean's gonna come in and steal from you Yeah The ocean stole your porch It's the tax man Thank you Susan Summers It's amazing that everybody wants to live right there though It's so cool that it's almost worth it Like everybody wants to look at that water You want to be right there Yeah it's nice It's really nice What is that though Is it a humbling thing Is it just an awe thing like there's so much water, it's like, whoa.

[1214] I don't know.

[1215] I find it really relaxing and just really pretty.

[1216] It improves your mood, I think.

[1217] It must, because when you talk about, like, beach towns, they're always super chill.

[1218] That's the thing that everybody always says.

[1219] Yeah.

[1220] Beach towns are super chill.

[1221] Yeah.

[1222] I mean, oh, it's a laid -back beach community.

[1223] It's super common.

[1224] And what is that?

[1225] Well, on top of what I think that the water is relaxing.

[1226] You gotta have a lot of money to live there, so you might be chilled the fuck out if you got some savings.

[1227] That's just mine.

[1228] You drop in science.

[1229] You drop in math science.

[1230] You should offer an online course.

[1231] Maybe I will.

[1232] I just drop in knowledge and gluten beers.

[1233] You know?

[1234] These beers are pretty good, right?

[1235] Not bad at all, man. I'm enjoying this.

[1236] What's it called?

[1237] It's called mission or omission, which makes more sense.

[1238] They're taking out the gluten.

[1239] They're not making it without gluten.

[1240] They're taking it out.

[1241] They're omitting it.

[1242] Did you know that it's handcrafted?

[1243] How else you're going to do it, dude?

[1244] Very, very important.

[1245] With a machine?

[1246] Come on.

[1247] I'll tell you what.

[1248] I'm a man of taste, and I do not prefer non -handcrafted beverages.

[1249] What, is a machine going to make my beer?

[1250] I don't think so.

[1251] I demand craft.

[1252] Me too.

[1253] An honor.

[1254] And these are so good, they actually made the refrigerator, the refrigerator in Bevmo.

[1255] Really?

[1256] These are the gluten beers or non -glutin beers on the shelf, getting hot, but these are ready for consumption because they know people want them.

[1257] That's interesting.

[1258] Bevmo needs to step up their game when it comes to that.

[1259] Is that what it is?

[1260] You have to step up your game?

[1261] I mean, if Target can have fucking tons of refrigerators for their little grocery store, why does it have, like, this small area of it just for their beers?

[1262] I mean, that's their whole thing.

[1263] They should be, like, half the store should be a refrigerator.

[1264] I think that's part of their deal.

[1265] They're like, we got cheap drinks and we don't spend money on refrigeration.

[1266] I guess.

[1267] Trader Joe's, too.

[1268] Yeah, they just stack everything up, I think.

[1269] I think that's just exactly the idea.

[1270] They just stack it up.

[1271] Look, you want a fucking case of beer for three bucks or not?

[1272] Do you?

[1273] There it is.

[1274] Go grab it.

[1275] And this is for the serious drinker who knows what he wants a week from now.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] Is that what it is?

[1278] Is it like the Costco of only drinks?

[1279] I guess.

[1280] Or the Trader Joe's of only drinks?

[1281] I don't know.

[1282] Those are a good deal.

[1283] That's a smart thing.

[1284] I went to Trader Joe's for the first time in a long time recently.

[1285] I was like, this is a pretty good spot, you know?

[1286] That's awesome.

[1287] They have a lot of good shit, and it's cheap, you know?

[1288] It's not bad.

[1289] What's the idea?

[1290] Is it, like, less quality than some places?

[1291] The idea is, it's not as, there's no name brands.

[1292] So they make deals with all the people they buy shit from.

[1293] And so it comes to their name on it.

[1294] It comes to you cheap.

[1295] Or maybe they have their own factories on top of that.

[1296] Huh.

[1297] So there's no name brands at all?

[1298] No, there's name brands, but they're not big name brands.

[1299] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1300] And so they're all affiliated with these brands.

[1301] whether they made a deal or whether they manufactured it themselves.

[1302] This is all what I assume is going on.

[1303] Oh, my motherfuckers just making shit up.

[1304] Yeah.

[1305] Pretend he knows.

[1306] But I'm still right, though, right?

[1307] Yeah, I think you are.

[1308] Listen who you're asking.

[1309] I do all the time.

[1310] I do that all the time.

[1311] I just answer questions.

[1312] I don't know the answers to them.

[1313] In Ohio, Trader Joe's came before Whole Foods or any of the other places.

[1314] So I started off with Trader Joe's.

[1315] And yeah, I think you're right.

[1316] I think it's just like small farmers and small companies that they make deals with.

[1317] And two buck chuck.

[1318] Let's not look it up let's just assume we're right um yeah that i've been i've been made fun of buying the two two buck chuck before that's great by the woman working the register wow what a bitch fuck me up well she probably thought you were cute she's depressed and your lack of motivation why can't you buy a nice thirty nine dollar bottle of chardonnay for me uh perhaps a pino noir for the gentlemen they're like we got some good six dollar wines dickhead fucking live a little how much is it really two dollars for the wine Charles Shaw's $2, and it's good.

[1319] It's good.

[1320] Is it really good?

[1321] Yeah.

[1322] Okay, bring it in.

[1323] Can you bring some in next time?

[1324] Sure.

[1325] Can you bring it in tomorrow?

[1326] Maybe.

[1327] It's not great.

[1328] Lazy bitch can't even commit to buying a $2 bottle of wine.

[1329] I just don't know when...

[1330] I can do it.

[1331] I don't know when I'll be able to do it.

[1332] I guess before I could do it.

[1333] Is it possible?

[1334] Well, I have to go right here to do another podcast and then I'm just thinking of time when Trader Jays will be open.

[1335] Which podcast is more important?

[1336] Two Buck Chuck.

[1337] Have you not had two buck chuck at all?

[1338] No, I've never had it.

[1339] It's actually, I mean, like, literally, I could buy, I'll buy, you know what I'll do?

[1340] I'll buy a, taste test.

[1341] Yeah, I'll buy a $4, no, a $40 bottle of wine and then a $2 chuck.

[1342] Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

[1343] And then I'll taste it and try to guess.

[1344] That's a great idea, because I am no sommelier.

[1345] I do not know nothing.

[1346] Yeah, that's a great idea, actually.

[1347] Two buck chuck and a nice bottle of wine.

[1348] What's a nice bottle of wine?

[1349] Like 40, 40 bucks is pretty nice.

[1350] Something like that.

[1351] And then in the restaurant, that would be like 100 bucks, right?

[1352] Absolutely.

[1353] And I'll do a red and a white.

[1354] And shitheads.

[1355] That's ridiculous, isn't it?

[1356] Even if you bring your own wine in, it still costs you like $20 .30.

[1357] Oh, cooking fee, sir.

[1358] I hope you don't mind.

[1359] What does that mean?

[1360] That means you can't eat your shit in my spot unless you pay me. Don't be bringing your Starbucks up in here either.

[1361] That makes sense, though, because otherwise cheap assholes are bringing...

[1362] I brought my own wine.

[1363] Save me $50.

[1364] I'd be, you know, yelling it out at the table next door.

[1365] How much did you pay for that bottle?

[1366] This bottle is actually a finer year, and I brought it in by...

[1367] I'm a shelf.

[1368] How do you like that?

[1369] Can you tell between Coke and Pepsi?

[1370] I think I can, but I don't think I care either.

[1371] I only drink Diet Coke.

[1372] I bet I could tell Diet Coke between Diet Coke and Die Pepsi.

[1373] I bet.

[1374] I might be wrong, though.

[1375] If I had a guess.

[1376] Taste us so weird.

[1377] If you don't exactly know what you're going to get, you're like, hmm.

[1378] I could easily do that.

[1379] Yeah, you can tell.

[1380] To me, it's just fucking shit.

[1381] I can tell a difference between root beer and Dr. Pepper.

[1382] Me too.

[1383] You're not going to trick me, bitch.

[1384] I mean, it's doing mountains.

[1385] You and milk.

[1386] Can you tell it there's doing Mountain doing Code Red?

[1387] I was supposed to work the Pepsi Challenge when I first moved to L .A. What does that mean?

[1388] The Pepsi Challenge?

[1389] Yeah, what does that mean?

[1390] Like, work the Pepsi Challenge?

[1391] Well, that means you set up a booth in front of a grocery store, and you have, like, a taste test for people just walking in and out.

[1392] And it's supposed to inspire people to buy Coke instead of Pepsi.

[1393] Really?

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] But I got out of the car, and I saw the people I was going to work with, and I just fucking left.

[1396] Why?

[1397] What was it?

[1398] I don't know.

[1399] They just seemed like they're having a good time and I knew I was going to hate it.

[1400] Why did you think you were going to hate it?

[1401] I just felt like I was.

[1402] I don't know.

[1403] Oh, that's so ridiculous.

[1404] It was at some fair in Long Beach.

[1405] That's so ridiculous.

[1406] Deep down, I didn't want to work.

[1407] That's what it was.

[1408] That's what it was.

[1409] That's what it was.

[1410] That makes more sense.

[1411] You just found something to hate about it.

[1412] I found some stupid reason.

[1413] There's got to be a way to find a fucking exit.

[1414] Yeah.

[1415] Trapped door out of this bitch.

[1416] Well, I showed up and I tried.

[1417] And I totally stood them up and they still called me for work.

[1418] That's how bad this business was.

[1419] Desperado to get people to take that Pepsi Challenge.

[1420] And it was a dated thing.

[1421] That was the advertisement in the early 80s for Coke.

[1422] But now they were trying to bring it back, some kind of retro style or something.

[1423] Is Coke even threatened by Pepsi at this point?

[1424] Not even...

[1425] Oh, but hold on.

[1426] Did the Pepsi win?

[1427] Who hired me?

[1428] Do you guys remember?

[1429] If you go to any sort of a bar, you know, and you say, can I get a Coke?

[1430] Just say, is Pepsi okay?

[1431] Who the fuck says no?

[1432] Does anybody say no?

[1433] Or if you say, can I get a Diet Coke?

[1434] Sometimes I don't even tell you.

[1435] And how much variation is there in Diet Coke taste is quite a bit?

[1436] Between the can, an actual can of Diet Coke, and that shit that comes out of that fountain.

[1437] Huge.

[1438] Boy, that's a big, goddamn difference.

[1439] Fountain's completely off because it's mixed different sometimes.

[1440] And also, a lot of places, like Mexican restaurants will say that they have Coke.

[1441] Hey, hey, easy.

[1442] But they're actually using, like, generic Coke syrup.

[1443] I'm sure.

[1444] R .C. colors.

[1445] some shit.

[1446] I would assume that that's the same with a lot of places.

[1447] There's places where you go.

[1448] You're like, this is not taste like the Diet Coke that I grew up with.

[1449] Not the Diet Coke that I know and love.

[1450] Yeah, there's a difference, right?

[1451] Sure.

[1452] I think there is.

[1453] Who gives a fuck?

[1454] How about that?

[1455] I don't care.

[1456] I try not to drink soda anyway.

[1457] I get zero fucks.

[1458] Me too.

[1459] I could do lean pockets and generic lean pockets and tell you which ones.

[1460] You could tell the difference between a lean and a generic?

[1461] Generic lean pocket and a regular.

[1462] Are there generic lean pockets?

[1463] Oh, God.

[1464] What kind of.

[1465] fucking meat things are in a generic version that must be disgusting your poor microwave Brian could you do all fries I could do all fries also I think I could do that I think I could no test test Wendy's McDonald's Burger King I'll tell you what I'm In and Out is an easy one Yeah yeah in and out is an easy one Five guys burgers an easy one Yeah those are the ones that dominate Yeah and then you just get really shitty When you start going over the other ones Absolutely nobody could fuck with five guys fries That's delicious They have spicy kind too What is it like Cajun style Or something like that?

[1466] They have two different types of fries It's hard to drive past To five guys If you're on the East Coast You're pretty much pulling over I'm gluten -free But that's the one thing That's the one thing that fucks with me Hey get some lettuce wrapped around it That's what I do it in and out You get protein style They don't make it protein style At Five Guys They don't offer you a bunch of stupid Little weak -ass bitch options Oh you're afraid of bread Why did you make you go party Well, you know, what's not allergic to gluten is the fucking trash can.

[1467] Throw that bread in the trash can, start eating that burger.

[1468] No, the bread tastes good.

[1469] That's the problem.

[1470] Once you get it, you eat it?

[1471] I wouldn't want to take the bread off.

[1472] I'd be like it's right there.

[1473] Why don't I just eat this, suffer?

[1474] You got a point.

[1475] Let's see how long it takes before I feel it again.

[1476] I wonder what the, if you, like, they've said that if you eat gluten, it's supposed to linger in your sister for like 30 days.

[1477] That's why you say you don't really truly get the effects of being gluten -free unless you're gluten -free for like 30 days.

[1478] How long have you?

[1479] you've been.

[1480] It's been more than that, but it would be really ridiculous if you ate a cheeseburger and you have to fucking feel like shit for 30 days.

[1481] Yeah.

[1482] That seems silly.

[1483] That doesn't seem right.

[1484] I think it would just kind of linger, you know, because, like, what, weed stays in your system for 30 days?

[1485] You're not high 30 days later.

[1486] The problem with all this gluten -free shit is the problem with everything that has to do with hippies.

[1487] There's a lot of exaggeration and nonsense and cleansing.

[1488] There's a lot of cleansing going on.

[1489] There's a lot of, like, really silly, non -scientific -based bullshit.

[1490] Oh, yeah.

[1491] Just say it's fact.

[1492] Well, the alkalinity of your body right now is off because you need to eat more papaya that come from Oregon.

[1493] And I need you to kill Sharon Tate.

[1494] That's later.

[1495] How about gluten -free nonsense?

[1496] Let's see what it says.

[1497] Gluten -free nonsense.

[1498] I wonder, do you think the food pyramid is still probably the healthiest diet?

[1499] No way!

[1500] That shit is over!

[1501] It's way off.

[1502] You think it's way over.

[1503] It's over!

[1504] They always get it wrong, man. They get it wrong and then they correct it.

[1505] They've got it wrong.

[1506] The gluten, or the food pyramid is almost all like grains and rice and bread.

[1507] And that was made for people, like, when everyone was like a farmer or something.

[1508] Everyone was working all day, you know, strenuous activity.

[1509] Well, also they say that the difference between the food that they ate when they created that food pyramid, you know, back in the 50s or whatever the fuck it was, it's not the same.

[1510] You could digest it.

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] But wheat was not the same back then as it is today.

[1513] We really fuck weed up, man. They apparently made wheat.

[1514] They designed it along.

[1515] the way, selective engineering, they designed it to just be more more durable.

[1516] Is this the gay food pyramid?

[1517] No, that's the lovely.

[1518] The pointy tip is, what does it say?

[1519] The pointy tip is protein, the red part.

[1520] Yellow is fat.

[1521] Blue is unrefined carbohydrates.

[1522] What?

[1523] And then the light blue is free sugars.

[1524] And when was this created?

[1525] What year?

[1526] This is the one and the wider it is, the more you're supposed to eat?

[1527] It's the current one, is what it's saying.

[1528] So you're supposed to eat more carbohydrates and protein, according to this pyramid?

[1529] That thing says that, but I think that's probably, that's a current food pyramid?

[1530] What year is this?

[1531] That's a 2002.

[1532] Yeah, that's a long -ass time ago, man. That's a long -ass time ago when it comes to the science of nutrition.

[1533] Why this, here's Time magazine says it's all bullshit.

[1534] time magazine why we're wasting billions on gluten -free food most of us paying a premium to avoid gluten in our food are doing so without any good medical reason hmm a new survey from market research firm the npd group finds that america is cutting gluten out of its diet in a big way just under one -third of one thousand respondents agreed with a statement i'm trying to cut back avoid gluten in my diet that's the highest level since the company added gluten consumption to the surveys.

[1535] It does about every American's eating habits in 2009.

[1536] What is it?

[1537] What does that sing?

[1538] It says they're getting a positive response.

[1539] It's not like they what people have to understand is gluten tastes so fucking good.

[1540] Bread is so delicious.

[1541] Yes.

[1542] And sandwiches are delicious and pasta is delicious that if people are cutting that awesome shit out of their diet.

[1543] Yes.

[1544] Meanwhile, the gluten factories they got together with Time Magazine.

[1545] They said, Listen, man. They're talking shit about us, dude.

[1546] Are we together in this, man?

[1547] Are we going to advertise in your paper?

[1548] If you don't support us, we're not going to be able to advertise.

[1549] You understand that?

[1550] If we go out of business, we're not making cupcakes anymore, man. Check out what Bulletproof Exec says.

[1551] Hey, Time Magazine, it's not the calorie, stupid.

[1552] Wow.

[1553] Wake A, depends on the quality of what you eat, not how much.

[1554] He's actually right.

[1555] He's right.

[1556] Bulletproof executive is right.

[1557] I mean, you can have high -calorie, really healthy food and be really healthy.

[1558] Or you can have high -calorie sugar -crusted crap and be really unhealthy.

[1559] He's definitely right in that sense.

[1560] I mean, I've gotten to the point where I avoid bread if I can help it just because I know I'll feel better afterwards.

[1561] I haven't said any, like, you know, guidelines or rules for myself.

[1562] But, I mean, it clearly makes you, like, sluggish and tired as shit and fat.

[1563] too.

[1564] Meanwhile, it's delicious.

[1565] Oh, my God, it's great.

[1566] So good.

[1567] Let's have some right now.

[1568] Never -ending pasta bar at Olive Garden.

[1569] Come on.

[1570] Belser thinks that the gluten -free crazes an evolution and expansion of the low -carb trend.

[1571] Unlike a dietary modification that affects only a fraction of the population, like cutting out certain foods to reduce cholesterol, framing the gluten -free issue as being about wellness, in quotes, makes it inclusive enough that everyone can participate.

[1572] digestive health has become a buzzword of how to deal with health in America today.

[1573] You know, that's an interesting but sort of irresponsible thing to say because the bottom line is there is a reality to the fact that wheat has been changed and has been made more durable over the past 60 years and is also a reality that some people have a reaction to it.

[1574] And to deny that is silly.

[1575] To deny that people have a reaction to the inflammation, I mean, maybe they should have a little gluten every now and that.

[1576] but I know personally that cutting it out of my diet I felt more even after I'm done eating I don't feel as like wasted I don't feel as drained that's gotta be better just make sense I would say it's better too many people are doing it it just doesn't seem to me but then again those fucking magnets how many fucking people were wearing those magnets around their waist or their wrists rather I think Brody still has both of his on on each side positive energy positive what are the magnets supposed to do Balancedy, bro.

[1577] Balancer.

[1578] That's different than what you eat, though.

[1579] It's way different.

[1580] Well, there's a lot of people swore by those magnets, though, man. I talked to professional athletes who swore by those magnets.

[1581] Well, you know, athletes in sports, that's all about, like, good luck charms and, like, getting a good run going.

[1582] They're mind.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] It's about siking yourself up.

[1585] Sometimes those motherfuckers, those magnets.

[1586] I had a guy talking to me about it.

[1587] I was almost believing him.

[1588] I was like, really helping you.

[1589] He goes, look, I know my body.

[1590] I'm telling you, I put this magnet on, and all of a sudden, all my aches and pains went away.

[1591] My posture changed.

[1592] Injuries that I've had for years are all healing up.

[1593] I'm like, what the hell am I dealing with here?

[1594] Right.

[1595] Because fighters, man, fighters are like super, superstitious.

[1596] Yeah, like, they, like, what is it?

[1597] They don't have sex before fights, and they don't...

[1598] Some of them do.

[1599] But they pick a superstition or, like, a philosophy.

[1600] And they kind of stick with it, right?

[1601] A lot of that.

[1602] Yeah, a lot of them do that.

[1603] But some of them, it's not like universally across the board.

[1604] Some of them are pretty rational.

[1605] Right.

[1606] But some of them have like real crazy magnet things.

[1607] Yeah.

[1608] Where it's like, I've seen like high -level guys wearing maggots are on their wrist.

[1609] Like as recently as a month ago.

[1610] Sure.

[1611] Get that fucking thing off.

[1612] Well, it works a couple times and you're like, why not keep it on?

[1613] Get it off.

[1614] Have you ever had anybody try to sell you with them?

[1615] No. It's really interesting because it's a con game.

[1616] And they have a whole elaborate series of moves that they make you do.

[1617] They put the bracelet on you and then they take the bracelet off you.

[1618] They try your first one way and then they put the bracelet on you and they try another.

[1619] And what they do is they try to, like, move you or you try to move them or you hold their hand and try to lift them up.

[1620] And they're basically, it's carnival tricks.

[1621] Right.

[1622] They're basically adjusting their weight and making it more difficult or making it more easy.

[1623] Right.

[1624] And someone who has understanding of body mechanics is pretty clear.

[1625] Yeah.

[1626] So I'm like, why are you so close now?

[1627] Why is so close?

[1628] You were real far away before.

[1629] Why are you so close now?

[1630] I got the bracelet and now I'm going to be strong.

[1631] You're closer.

[1632] And the guy's like, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1633] You were over here.

[1634] You were over here.

[1635] How did you even get put in that situation?

[1636] Yeah, where was this?

[1637] Mike, motherfucking Goldberg.

[1638] My partner in the UFC was wearing one of those stupid fucking things.

[1639] And the guy gave it to him.

[1640] He didn't buy it.

[1641] The guy gave it to him.

[1642] The guy wanted to talk to me. Hey, I want to talk to you about our wellness hologram magnification things.

[1643] And I was drunk.

[1644] you know so i was like okay what do you got there man and he he made me do like a whole series of things like put my arm out and resist and like he had this thing like you know put your arm straight and i'm gonna i'm gonna try to pick you up or i'm gonna move you and i can't do it if i don't have the band on so he does it like two different ways and then you know like he gets you convinced this rubber band around his wrist is actually making us stronger an hour later he's And then I'm trying to leave, man. He's trying to fuck my mouth.

[1645] And I'm trying to leave.

[1646] I'm like, this is, I'm trying to be nice at first.

[1647] And then, uh, ultimately he makes me wear the rubber van.

[1648] And then I wear the rubber band.

[1649] And then he tries to do the things to me. And I was like, dude, I see what you're doing.

[1650] You're moving further and closer to be.

[1651] I'm like, I'm not dumb.

[1652] Right.

[1653] Like, come on.

[1654] This is, I'm like, this is silly.

[1655] And I'm like, you still can't do it.

[1656] Go ahead, do it.

[1657] Like, I held on to the guy.

[1658] I'm like, he ain't going anywhere.

[1659] Stay put.

[1660] This shit ain't going to work.

[1661] Shit's not real.

[1662] Is this guy have one on?

[1663] Yeah.

[1664] Oh, this is it.

[1665] Just speak together.

[1666] If I can just get you to put your arms out.

[1667] Watch this hustle.

[1668] It's hilarious.

[1669] Now what I want to do is push up.

[1670] All you do is just resist me as much as you can, okay?

[1671] And as you can see, you lose balance, and it's very easy for me to push you up.

[1672] Okay, we're now going to bring in the token bracelet here.

[1673] It's a gym, a bracelet that makes it hard to move his arms.

[1674] You know how fucking dumb you have to believe?

[1675] Do you know how fucking dumb you have to be to think that that's a Wonder Woman magic bracelet that makes you stronger.

[1676] Now watch this shit.

[1677] Watch this.

[1678] Now he can't.

[1679] Oh, my God, it's amazing.

[1680] But he's the salesman.

[1681] And he's also...

[1682] No, he's putting two hands in, dude.

[1683] You don't even see.

[1684] That guy is so...

[1685] He can resist him now.

[1686] For the sake of the camera, we'll take the brace off and do it again.

[1687] For the sake of the camera.

[1688] Here we go.

[1689] Well, it's very important because this is proof.

[1690] What we're seeing right here is proof.

[1691] And now we'll just do the same thing again.

[1692] Yeah, he could just say, I can't do that.

[1693] This is incredible.

[1694] It's incredible.

[1695] It's so provable.

[1696] Look, it's done.

[1697] The argument's over.

[1698] This shit works.

[1699] Well, I got to get money.

[1700] How did that happen?

[1701] That was like in 2000, what, six, seven somewhere along there?

[1702] People were wearing those.

[1703] Pro athletes in the UFC were wearing these fucking race bracelets.

[1704] Is it over?

[1705] I believe it's pretty much over.

[1706] A lot of those guys went to jail.

[1707] The guys that were selling them?

[1708] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1709] They had some false claims.

[1710] They got sued.

[1711] There's a bunch of different companies.

[1712] well they're risk in danger i know people have been sued the hologram they were different ones some of them were magnets some of them were holograms the hologram ones were the ones that goldie had uh -huh oh they were so bad it was so it was so dumb this guy like he made me like put my hand out like this like straighten my arm out and then i forget like i'm supposed to lift him up or he's supposed to lift me up and i was like god damn it and i don't understand there's like A hologram around someone's wrist?

[1713] It's a little tiny piece of...

[1714] You know, they're calling it a hologram.

[1715] It looks like a little circuit board.

[1716] Okay.

[1717] You know, it's got a bunch of stupid shit.

[1718] Got you.

[1719] Scribled in it like it's going to do magic to you.

[1720] And you put it on with a rubber band.

[1721] And you're like, look, I...

[1722] My mouth right, this way and we're going to have one of those?

[1723] We're going to dispel what everybody's been wearing.

[1724] This is one of the hottest fads.

[1725] It's called a hologram bracelet.

[1726] There's different companies out there that do use them.

[1727] But the whole premise behind them is they're saying they're increasing athletic performance balance and overall well -being.

[1728] And the point behind it is they have the hologram emits a frequency and it's supposed to harmonize the body and get the body into a proper frequency in the state of well -being and health.

[1729] The problem is they don't work and we're going to show you why.

[1730] So first off from the show you is how the salesman will sell you the bracelet and based on that, You'll see that it works.

[1731] But then we're going to take it.

[1732] I don't care about it.

[1733] Yeah, I kind of do.

[1734] I want to see if it'll...

[1735] It's not going to work.

[1736] Well, we can't host the podcast.

[1737] Yeah, we can.

[1738] Do you have any tour dates coming up?

[1739] Yeah, I do, man. I'm, you know, I'm mostly opening, but I think people want to come see.

[1740] I mean, Vegas with Daniel Tosh, September 27 and 28th.

[1741] I'm in Ontario Improv with your boy Joey Diaz October 17th and October 19th And I'm at the D .C. Improv, October 24th through 27th With your boy, Bert Kreischer And I'm headlining in Nashville, Tennessee On October 28th I did some of UFC shit today and drank two liters of water Oh no I just peed.

[1742] This was the third time I peed in the past two hours I've never left twice during a podcast before to pee It's a 2P podcast It's water bitch UTI You're in a tract's infections They don't make you more P more prostate problems They make you feel like you have to I think Yeah You're an attractive Someone knows You just need a little bit of cranberry juice You'll be fine So this guy's dead They kill them Who?

[1743] The guy, the shooter guy What happened They have them like cornered or something They just shot them.

[1744] I don't know.

[1745] They just shot them.

[1746] This is really crazy shit.

[1747] It's really almost more amazing that it doesn't happen more often.

[1748] That's true.

[1749] With how available guns are.

[1750] Not just how available guns are, but also how many people are coming back from war.

[1751] How many people have experienced PTSD?

[1752] This is how many people there are, period.

[1753] 300 fucking million people in this country.

[1754] That's a lot of people.

[1755] It's a little too many.

[1756] How many people were there?

[1757] 50 years ago here.

[1758] Were there even 250?

[1759] Was it even 250 million?

[1760] I don't think so.

[1761] Let's see.

[1762] Population in the 1950s.

[1763] I'm going to say we double.

[1764] What was the population in the 1950s?

[1765] When Don Draper had a job.

[1766] Let me have a look.

[1767] Ooh.

[1768] Because you're a dumb cunt.

[1769] It's $150 million.

[1770] There you go.

[1771] Stupid bitch.

[1772] Listen.

[1773] 1950 total U .S. population was 150 ,697 ,361.

[1774] Siri, you silly fuckhead.

[1775] Fired.

[1776] You know, I bet Google could get it right, though.

[1777] Google Voice, it would at least go to it.

[1778] Right.

[1779] Who's got that?

[1780] I got that shit.

[1781] But I just realized all it's going to do is Google it.

[1782] It's going to be the exact same thing as this.

[1783] She's not going to answer.

[1784] But they have that Google has.

[1785] a version of that, a version of Siri where you ask your questions.

[1786] I don't use the yet, though.

[1787] Get to...

[1788] I've never done that.

[1789] It doesn't seem to bring up a lot of answers.

[1790] Think about that number, man. Think about that number, $150 million.

[1791] That's like half.

[1792] That's half.

[1793] That's 1950.

[1794] 1950 is half as many people.

[1795] That's crazy.

[1796] That's crazy.

[1797] That's not good.

[1798] I mean, if that keeps going in that same direction, that seems like a lot of people.

[1799] It's a lot of people.

[1800] It's already a lot of people.

[1801] people.

[1802] And the thing is a place like Los Angeles, how is that sustainable?

[1803] I don't know.

[1804] Where are you from?

[1805] You're from Maryland?

[1806] I'm from Maryland.

[1807] I'm from the sticks.

[1808] I've been back there this summer and we're still chilling down there.

[1809] There's still nobody there.

[1810] But my parents are complaining that there's like more people there, but I can't tell the difference.

[1811] Sometimes there's cars on the road with us.

[1812] They're in the same road and there's a car with us.

[1813] I'll wait in line at the grocery store now.

[1814] It's unbearable.

[1815] We have weird rules here too with those fucking those lanes where you're allowed to drive the diamond lane you're allowed if you have a baby in your car you're allowed to use a diamond lane hmm that's not really carpooling that's not saving gas you have two humans it's like you have to have two life forms in the car that can speak two that have the potential of one day even driving yeah it's like yeah one that like would be going to work in their own car yeah like if you're driving your kids if you're a single parent and you're driving, you have two kids, you're driving them in your car, that's a carpool.

[1816] Yeah.

[1817] If you have one kid, that's a carpool.

[1818] Have you ever gone in the carpool without any, with only by yourself?

[1819] What, I mean, and admit it over a podcast?

[1820] I mean, Joey Diaz does it every day.

[1821] Every day?

[1822] You know, I get in that fucking carpool lane?

[1823] Because when they pull them over, he goes, look at the fucking size of me. I'm pouring a fucking pounds.

[1824] I'm two people, cuck, sucker.

[1825] We love this guy.

[1826] I got a woman inside me. trying to get out um no i don't do that i don't mess i don't mess with that i don't mess with fuck with my points man i don't want to get it's points and it's it's an expensive ticket right off the government man see the real problem is there's too many fucking people when you get on that highway like if you drive to san diego they try to drive san die i'm friday you've done that before right doing gigs yeah you get on that highway it's pointless you gotta leave at one 30 to do an eight o 'clock show you do that's not bullshit you could easily run into five hours of traffic, easily.

[1827] Just to get there, like, you know, an hour before the gig.

[1828] Yeah, that whole Orange County thing is madness.

[1829] I talked to someone I met at Disneyland, and she told me that she drives it every day.

[1830] Her and her husband both drive it every day.

[1831] They live in Orange County, and they drive to L .A. And they do it every day.

[1832] They work in L .A. and they drive back home to Orange County.

[1833] And they're in the car.

[1834] The guy said he's in the car at least two hours every day.

[1835] My friend Dave does that, just the opposite, L .A. to Orange County every day back and forth we're calling that three to four hours a day oh yeah excuse me I said two hours every day I meant every trip right and two hours up and back he's one of the happiest guys I know I would lose my fucking mind maybe he's got audible dot com he probably does have audible dot com that would be a big help maybe he's listening to this podcast right now I would take the train man what's up Dave what up Dave have you done that the train has Wi -Fi the train has Wi -Fi you pay like 50 bucks it's got Wi -Fi it's like what two hours That's great until some drifter parks their shopping cart in the middle of the fucking tracks.

[1836] Right.

[1837] And you go flying off, careening into the woods.

[1838] Which train is this?

[1839] Is a train that goes at Orange County?

[1840] Amtrak or some shit?

[1841] Yeah, it goes all the way down from L .A. all the way down to the VIII.

[1842] Can you get to the Irvine improv with this train?

[1843] Can you?

[1844] I think you can.

[1845] I think there's a stop somewhere in the middle.

[1846] Whoa.

[1847] I might do that.

[1848] How great is this?

[1849] Yeah, that drive to Irvine.

[1850] I'm doing, by the way.

[1851] November 1st, Shuggar, fair.

[1852] Nice transition.

[1853] By the way, I'm out of November.

[1854] I'm there first weekend November 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Irvine Improv That fucking place is awesome Good times Yeah, that's a fun club too, man That Irvine Improv is a fun one It's a one of those Just like The improv has got it nailed In like 10 different locations all across the country They used to have it nailed in Louisville, man It sucks at Louisville went under It's gone But the Irvine improv is back I mean the Tempe is back I know yeah that was pretty good I just played that That was another one that had nailed That place is beautiful It's great, I really like it But now is good as stand -up live That's great too That's great too, stand -up live is great too Transition But we've been working there for so long I was so bummed out when that place went under Is it different locations now?

[1855] Tempe?

[1856] I don't think so Oh okay Tempe's on different is it I never played the old one This is why I'm asking What did it look like?

[1857] It upstairs?

[1858] I never played the old Tempe.

[1859] What's the new one?

[1860] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1861] The new one, it's like, yeah, it is upstairs.

[1862] Okay.

[1863] They remodeled it a little.

[1864] Same spot.

[1865] I heard.

[1866] Do they, does it have two rooms?

[1867] Does it have a little tiny room too still?

[1868] No, it doesn't, but it does.

[1869] Is there a balcony?

[1870] Yeah, there's a balcony.

[1871] It's got to be the same place.

[1872] It's the same place.

[1873] Yeah.

[1874] Yeah, they have a little tiny room that they were using for a while, too.

[1875] Like a 90 -100 cedar and Todd Glass.

[1876] Yeah.

[1877] He used to do shows there all the time.

[1878] Oh, yeah.

[1879] I heard about that.

[1880] Yeah, we worked together.

[1881] Like he did the little room and I did the big room And it was a weird Yeah he's he's right That's a really Fucking badass little room Super intimate Yeah yeah yeah We've talked about it a few times We just haven't coordinated There's a bunch of people I need to get on I've been going back and forth With Pat and Oswald I need to get him on as well But I'm glad That We're expanding at least Getting more people Yeah Slowly but surely Yeah Yes I know Yes Yes, yes.

[1882] Matt Fultron in for the first time today.

[1883] Very happy to be here.

[1884] Thank you so much for having me in, man. Where you've been touring, man?

[1885] I did, I was in North Carolina.

[1886] I was in Pittsburgh.

[1887] I was in Richmond, Virginia.

[1888] I was in Tempe, and I was in Tacoma.

[1889] Damn, Tacoma.

[1890] Yeah.

[1891] What is that like?

[1892] Tacoma was fun, and it was really nice, really beautiful out.

[1893] It was last week, so it was really nice out.

[1894] Tacoma?

[1895] Yeah.

[1896] Tacoma, Washington.

[1897] What's up there?

[1898] I don't know.

[1899] Just the Tacoma Comedy Club.

[1900] Some bridges, some water, some nice weather.

[1901] Wow.

[1902] You know, Starbucks?

[1903] Where the people live?

[1904] Where do the people live?

[1905] Yeah.

[1906] They live like homes outside Tacoma.

[1907] In the suburbs outside Tacoma.

[1908] And within the city as well.

[1909] How many people live in Tacoma?

[1910] I don't know.

[1911] So like 100 ,000?

[1912] Let's say 200 ,000.

[1913] 200 ,000?

[1914] 150 ,000.

[1915] That's a good difference.

[1916] spot.

[1917] Oh, bitch.

[1918] Get on it, bitch.

[1919] Well, with the excuses.

[1920] A hundred and ninety -eight thousand people.

[1921] Dude, that was a very good guess.

[1922] Damn, Matt Fultron.

[1923] Yeah, no, I did my homework.

[1924] I'm not going to go on stage cold.

[1925] I'm going to look at Wikipedia.

[1926] That's a good number.

[1927] You know, I've lived where, I lived in Boulder and there's 100 ,000 in Boulder.

[1928] I like that, too.

[1929] I think when you start getting real big, it becomes like a real weird problem like you just, people lose their meaning.

[1930] Yeah.

[1931] They're not valuable anymore.

[1932] They're pests.

[1933] There's too many of them.

[1934] People are nicer to people in a smaller area, a smaller town.

[1935] I really believe that.

[1936] And so Tacoma's like a little smaller.

[1937] I don't know how much smaller, but it's definitely smaller than Seattle.

[1938] Same vibe, though.

[1939] Tacoma must be awesome then because Seattle's awesome.

[1940] Seattle's awesome.

[1941] Tacoma's awesome.

[1942] Portland's awesome.

[1943] All this year.

[1944] Tacoma, that's Washington State as well, do they clearly celebrate this new ruling where marijuana is legal?

[1945] They absolutely do.

[1946] It's the pot flowing the streets.

[1947] The people that voted for it.

[1948] Oh.

[1949] No, you get a pot with every soft drink and every meal.

[1950] No, I didn't see any of it, to be honest with you.

[1951] You didn't see any of it?

[1952] I didn't see any weed at all.

[1953] I was there three days, I didn't see any weed.

[1954] Okay, are you a cop?

[1955] Yes.

[1956] Fuck!

[1957] He asked me, I had to tell.

[1958] Yeah, remember those?

[1959] Those old cop shows?

[1960] I got to go, guys.

[1961] God damn it.

[1962] Someone actually would have to tell.

[1963] Yeah, yeah.

[1964] Like, people believe the cops would tell the truth.

[1965] I fucking had.

[1966] I told him.

[1967] I told him I was a cop.

[1968] He kept giving me heroin.

[1969] Yeah, but it's there I mean, it's legal But I don't know what that means What does that mean, Joe?

[1970] I think it means it's legal And you could just go buy it Just like you can buy it here But you can't get in any kind of trouble whatsoever Well, the real question is Do they have the resources to do anything about it And if they don't do anything about it And it starts spreading How are they going to handle it?

[1971] And it seems that they have decided Not dedicate their resources And the recent statements See, they can change that Right, in a heartbeat.

[1972] The recent statements by Eric Holder were that they were going to ignore that and allow the states to do their own thing, and they weren't going to go after them.

[1973] That doesn't mean they won't go after them.

[1974] And the way they go after them is really kind of sneaky.

[1975] The way they go after the medical marijuana places is they raid them, they take their drugs, they take their money, then they hold a case.

[1976] They say your case is pending, and they never get the money back, and they never get their weed, and who knows where it all goes.

[1977] Right.

[1978] They just steal it, and it goes into the coffers.

[1979] of the state police or the local police or what have you and those people good luck going to court and getting your money back you're not going to get your money back so you were selling illegal drugs and you want us to give you the profits back I don't get it and for the federal government it's always illegal like it doesn't matter what the state law is the federal law they think Trump's a state law so even if you live in a just state that makes sense a smart just state your real problem is you're surrounded by country shitheads that are controlling all the states, the overlords, the federal overlords, which aren't even supposed to be there.

[1980] You're not even supposed to have that unless you're at war.

[1981] So the solution is to be perpetually at war.

[1982] Right.

[1983] The fuck full charge.

[1984] It's pretty ridiculous.

[1985] And it's pretty unnecessary.

[1986] I mean, can you imagine being in jail for having weed?

[1987] There's probably a lot of people listening to this right now that are in jail.

[1988] You think you can't listen to this in jail?

[1989] I know they can.

[1990] How do you know this?

[1991] If they have the internet i'm a cop god damn it full cop full charge cop um people on the internet they can get on the internet in jail i think they can some places some places does it depend on like how how like maximum minimum i don't know what it comes down to but i for some reason think that some people have access to the internet in jail could be wrong they don't have it on orange is the new black that's pretty much what i base all my prison information on i heard half of them have cell phones yeah like hidden cell phones yeah they get snuck they sneak dodo shaped cell phones yeah it's a banana phone remember that ring ring ring ring ring it's banana phone banana tic -tac -tac -tac -tac -tac -tac -tac -tac -tac -tac -tack banana phone um how do they get phones this must be so much fucking corruption as far as prison guards go and shit.

[1992] It's got to be out of control.

[1993] There was this dude that used to train at my old school, Taekwondo school, that was a prison guard.

[1994] He was so shady.

[1995] Yeah.

[1996] It's so shady.

[1997] He's the type of guy that, like, you'd be watching, like, one of those 2 a .m. shows, and he was having a failure, so he killed his wife and blamed it on her brother or something.

[1998] You know, like, he's that kind of guy, and yet he was a guard.

[1999] It was just so shady.

[2000] That's one of those jobs where even if you...

[2001] go in with the best of intentions, you're walking out, a total dickhead with questionable morals.

[2002] What a fucking work environment, man. And less faith in the human race.

[2003] A way less faith.

[2004] Imagine that work environment?

[2005] Being inside a fucking cage with a bunch of savages all day, and then you get to leave.

[2006] Congratulations, you get to leave.

[2007] Yay.

[2008] And guess what?

[2009] Come back tomorrow.

[2010] For ten hours.

[2011] So sleep somewhere else.

[2012] Think about how fucked up it is to have no freedom, and then come back to the place.

[2013] And then try to appreciate human beings When everyone's throwing shit at you Yeah They're hucking human shit at you It gets in your mouth I don't think there's anything more terrifying In prison That I can think of The jungle Well There's that But at least in a jungle You can carve out your own life Yeah And you can just be like You don't take it as personally When a fucking lion eats you You're like eh That was what was gonna happen If you had to choose Between living in prison And getting healthy meals Three times a day or striking out into the Amazon and trying to go it alone and then wandering into random bands of aborigines and trying to convince them and not eat you avoid all the bugs jaguars caimans crocodiles I'm going with jungle good man I'm going with jungle because you're going to die in the jungle but at least you've got some freedom in the meantime I like the way you think boy go out with your booze on yeah we're gonna die in the prison too sure with two dudes using you as Chinese finger handcuffs yeah and that's way worth way to die just gonna plug up your air holes oh just yeah and you're not even gonna like them you're gonna hate it you might grow to like it they say that that happens well it is human attention but it's not really what I want and I'm picking spears to the face every time I mean real weapons so Matt Fultron how long have you been doing stand -up comedy uh since 1998 it's about about 15 years.

[2014] And you started out in Maryland?

[2015] I started out in L .A. Oh, you went crazy.

[2016] I made the huge mistake.

[2017] But I did it anyways.

[2018] Ari Shafir did it.

[2019] Several of people have done it.

[2020] Tom Segura had done it.

[2021] A lot of people have done it.

[2022] You know what's good about doing it in L .A.?

[2023] The standard's very high.

[2024] Absolutely.

[2025] I agree.

[2026] There's a real problem with some small...

[2027] Like, we were in Pittsburgh once and, like, my opening guy couldn't make it.

[2028] And so the club was like, listen, we have this local guy.

[2029] He's fucking hilarious.

[2030] Like, you have to everyone.

[2031] Oh, my Jesus.

[2032] Was he not?

[2033] that.

[2034] Any guys that the club loves, they're always like, women are always cold, man. Like, it's always like, it's always like some regular, regular shit.

[2035] No offense to anybody out there with that example, but you know what I mean?

[2036] He did a whole bit about old people driving.

[2037] It was yeah, it took the wind out of my life.

[2038] But the audience probably loved it, right?

[2039] Oh my God, it's so true.

[2040] Oh my God, it's so true.

[2041] You're so right.

[2042] Oh my God.

[2043] That is so true.

[2044] So that was the good thing about L .A. was I got to see that, like, oh, there's all this stuff that I can't do.

[2045] Right.

[2046] I have to be original.

[2047] You can't get a Ferrari.

[2048] You can't live at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

[2049] Yeah.

[2050] Can't throw Molotov cocktails off the Mondrian.

[2051] Right.

[2052] So much you can't do here.

[2053] Right, right, right.

[2054] But as far as material.

[2055] Yeah, as far as material, there's a lot of shit that gets done to death.

[2056] And honestly, before the Internet, it was hard to tell what everybody's doing, especially when you first start.

[2057] Oh, hell yeah, man. Hell yeah.

[2058] So you just kind of had to figure.

[2059] it out and have people tell you and stuff like that it was easy to be hacky absolutely you know it was like a hack handbook to pick together certain subjects how many people have gone to the store for your wife to get the tampons right and there's no fucking price tag on them price check price check on the tampons right that that joke has been done literally more times than people have bought tampons and it's yeah and people would actually tell you to be hackier what's hackier than that uh the fucking metal detector with the mic stand airplane oh that's kind of hacky airplane anything with airplanes or hotel rooms but but you know if you can still do original shit on all this yes but as a as a general rule yeah unless you something really came up that you need to discuss that only applied to you Yeah, most likely you should drop it.

[2060] You know what's crazy because doing that podcast with Tony, I have to watch so much open micers now, like, you know, like tons.

[2061] And it's so weird seeing how much racism is used early on immediately and just like overall hate with women.

[2062] Like women like calling them bitches and cunts.

[2063] I saw that in Richmond, Virginia.

[2064] They asked me to come by like a writing session type open mic and like, like bitch was like a huge punchline when talking to women.

[2065] and I was like, hey, that's funny for us, guys, but when you do it in front of a, like, a paying audience, like, they won't like that as much.

[2066] Bunch of fucking pussies.

[2067] Bunch of pussies.

[2068] Because when you first start, you really are just doing it, like it's a club with the, like, 20 guys that meet every week.

[2069] Not only that, they're probably, like, crazy, alcoholic, angry, failures.

[2070] Things aren't going well if you start doing open mics.

[2071] Let's put it that way.

[2072] That is also the problem with, like, playing to the room.

[2073] If you're playing like to the back of the room, like we all know comics who fuck themselves by doing bits that only comics would laugh at?

[2074] That was a problem of starting in L .A. I did that for years and years and years and years.

[2075] And years.

[2076] So you did bits just to make the other comics impressed?

[2077] That's just what I was used to doing for the first three years, let's say.

[2078] So that I never quite shook that for the longest time.

[2079] Really?

[2080] Yeah.

[2081] And I'm not saying That's what I did 100 % of the time.

[2082] But here's a good example.

[2083] I did, let's say, I did a live at Gotham on Comedy Central.

[2084] You hosted one of those.

[2085] The whole thing was savers.

[2086] So the jokes were designed to fail, and the real jokes were the savers.

[2087] What does that mean?

[2088] Well, I'd do a joke that was kind of shitty, and then I'd brag about how funny it was.

[2089] That's my whole live at Gotham set.

[2090] And that's pretty much, that's pretty back to the room type of thing.

[2091] That's so that was like your act back Absolutely Hmm And I had to pick up the pieces You know Once I started doing the road a lot And started headlining It's like that's not gonna work I'm glad I did it But I got to move on That's interesting You know And people really liked it too A lot of people Not just comics But I couldn't do it For a general audience That had never seen me before And if they had seen me before They heard those jokes before So guess what?

[2092] It's over There's a big adjustment period When you start going on the road Isn't there?

[2093] Absolutely I'm still going through it Like just to get that 45 that appeals to everybody.

[2094] Still going through it.

[2095] And are you headlining in most places now?

[2096] I'd say like half the places.

[2097] Half the places?

[2098] And now what credits do you have?

[2099] Like, do you have a Comedy Central Presents?

[2100] I got a Comedy Central Presents.

[2101] I got a Craig Ferguson, live at Gotham.

[2102] What is that?

[2103] Last Comic 4?

[2104] I made it to like the top 40.

[2105] And is that enough to get like a headlining gig on a road?

[2106] It is sometimes, but it's not like, oh, we got to have them.

[2107] Right.

[2108] It's just kind of like some entry -level shit at this point.

[2109] But that's so important, man. Yeah.

[2110] We're so lucky those gigs exist.

[2111] Yeah.

[2112] You know, those clubs that have let...

[2113] Like, I like when I look at a club and I go, who's that guy?

[2114] I like that.

[2115] Yeah.

[2116] I like to know that this guy's headlining for a week, you know, and I've never even heard of him.

[2117] He's out of a nice club.

[2118] Maybe, you know, this guy will catch on.

[2119] Maybe, you know, people go, oh, we got to go see that Matt Fultron.

[2120] He was fucking hilarious or that Kevin, blah, blah, blah.

[2121] Right.

[2122] Right.

[2123] I think it's just so important that those clubs still exist, that like the Zanis and Nashville still Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2124] Those clubs are everything, man. Without those clubs are, fuck.

[2125] The ice house.

[2126] They're kind of more fun.

[2127] No disrespect to the chains and stuff, but they are kind of more fun.

[2128] Yeah.

[2129] Well, there's a feeling to them, like when you do Zanies or when you do the punchline in Atlanta, it's like you realize you're doing a part of like comedy history.

[2130] Right.

[2131] That's a real comedy history place.

[2132] And sometimes we do a chain, you feel like you're at like TGI Fridays or something.

[2133] Oh, yeah, man. Fuck yeah.

[2134] Fuck yeah.

[2135] There's also the difference between.

[2136] The, there's, there's a history of comedy in those places that's on the walls.

[2137] Like, Zanies?

[2138] Yeah.

[2139] Like, I took a bunch of photos and put them on my Instagram last time I was there.

[2140] Because you walk around the walls, like, look at all these fucking pictures, man. This is crazy.

[2141] And they'll even, yeah, a lot of the guys you still know and still think of, they're like, their old headshot that, that you've never seen before.

[2142] Yeah.

[2143] It's like an old headshot they used to use.

[2144] Yeah.

[2145] Like, um, like Ron White.

[2146] Or a lot of guys who are dead.

[2147] Sure.

[2148] That's another thing.

[2149] Usually they have a whole.

[2150] wall for that nowadays.

[2151] To move them to the wall, to the dead wall?

[2152] There's a dead wall at a lot of places now.

[2153] They don't have that in Zanies.

[2154] They just go with how they put it up.

[2155] Right.

[2156] They just have a lot of people that just happen to now be dead.

[2157] Yeah.

[2158] So, so strange when you just look back at old pictures and look back to pictures and now, and you're like, oh, I'm aging.

[2159] Oh, it's happening.

[2160] It's all happened.

[2161] This shit is going on, whether you like it or not.

[2162] It's always weird when you realize that, like, the laws of physics apply to you, too.

[2163] You're like, but no, I'm me. Laws of death.

[2164] Yeah, exactly.

[2165] It is a weird thing, and it's always moving.

[2166] It's a big issue for human.

[2167] Yeah.

[2168] For humans, one of the biggest issue is humanity.

[2169] Yes.

[2170] One of the biggest issues is mortality, the idea of your own design.

[2171] The human.

[2172] This thing that's going to one day stop being here.

[2173] And it's what carries you everywhere.

[2174] Hey, that's me. The funny thing is when you turn like, is that you?

[2175] It's me in the 90s.

[2176] Funny thing is when you, like, turn 20 or 22, and you're like, man, I can't believe I'm a grown -up.

[2177] I'm so old.

[2178] And we've all said it once.

[2179] Well, that's girls love to say things like that.

[2180] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2181] So, oh, I'm 30.

[2182] And it's good to say, yeah, you really are.

[2183] Oh, my God, I'm 30.

[2184] Keeps him in check.

[2185] But if you're, stop that, Brian.

[2186] If you're 30 years old and you have a job, you feel like you're old.

[2187] Well, yeah, I mean, it's all set up.

[2188] If you work in 40 hours a day, every day, 30 years old, you can be like, I'm, I'm old.

[2189] I'm fucking tired.

[2190] You can feel the tired.

[2191] You can feel the fatigue.

[2192] How about when you talk to people when you find out, well, we're on this project, so we're doing 16, 17 -hour days?

[2193] What kind of a job expects you to be working 16 hours a fucking day?

[2194] I don't care what project you're working on.

[2195] Wow, it's a major motion picture.

[2196] Oh, so they're only going to make X amount of money instead of Z?

[2197] Right.

[2198] If you work eight hours a day, like a fucking human?

[2199] Yeah, no, the film business is the world.

[2200] They work their guys to death.

[2201] People show up the next day all Adderald up and fucking wide -eyed and crazy.

[2202] Drinking coffee talking too much.

[2203] Poor fucks just redlining their engine for this stupid studio.

[2204] Just to make Gremlins 3 or some shit.

[2205] Gremlin's 3.

[2206] Gremlin's 3 is probably pretty good.

[2207] It would be great.

[2208] Did you see the world's end?

[2209] Yes, I did.

[2210] What did you think?

[2211] I thought it was funny.

[2212] I loved it.

[2213] I thought it was funny.

[2214] I just want to check.

[2215] If you didn't like it, I wouldn't like you anymore.

[2216] It's good to know.

[2217] There's going to be tests.

[2218] Isn't that funny?

[2219] Some people will get so uptight about things.

[2220] You like that band?

[2221] Fuck you!

[2222] Joey Diaz hates kiss.

[2223] He got mad at Eddie Bravo liking kiss.

[2224] And I go, he goes, Eddie Bravo likes that fucking kiss shit.

[2225] I go, a kiss is great.

[2226] I get the fuck out of here.

[2227] I go, I like it.

[2228] You can't tell me what I like when I don't like.

[2229] Right.

[2230] Oh, it's great when you're fucking 16.

[2231] I'm like, I enjoy it.

[2232] right now.

[2233] You can't tell me what I like.

[2234] God damn it.

[2235] Joey will get fucking mad at you.

[2236] So Joey's got a bunch of rules, huh?

[2237] No negotiation, cocksucker.

[2238] There's no fucking voicemails, and there's no kiss.

[2239] The first time I met Joey got really mad at me. But he's been cool to me ever since.

[2240] What do you get mad at you about?

[2241] He was hosting the open mic at the comedy store, and I was like just starting out and Cater got me up.

[2242] And before I even got on stage, he was doing this whole rant about like, if you got a nice haircut and you just want to be in show business and you think you cute go the fuck down to the laugh factory this is the fucking comedy store right you know what I mean was this this is like 2000 99 something like that and so I go on stage and I did like just fine I had this like it's not a good bit but I was young and it was about like an alarm clock that insults you it was like you got a receding hairline you got a receding hair line you got a receding hair line the punch lines repeated themselves I look over and Joe is just stand at the other stage like with his arms crossed like staring me down and so I get off stage and he's like go to fuck down to the laugh factory you motherfucker he's like shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up like imitating my joke and I was like whoa cut to four years later he's like this motherfucker right here I love this motherfucker you're the funniest motherfucker on the planet you probably caught him when he was coming down yeah he probably caught him and like you know he has a whole stock market thing going on I've been in the room by myself but with him during one of those peaks and it's very scary Here's anything, for some reason.

[2243] He assaulted Brian.

[2244] Did he really?

[2245] Grabbed his hand, twisting him up.

[2246] Steven Seagalded him.

[2247] I didn't take it too personally.

[2248] Because at least the audience liked it.

[2249] I didn't take it too personally.

[2250] We set it on stage?

[2251] Yeah, but that's the thing.

[2252] It was Potluck.

[2253] So Potluck is all about ripping the open micers.

[2254] Used to be.

[2255] When I hosted, I never did.

[2256] Because probably for things like that.

[2257] It's not anymore?

[2258] It doesn't even exist anymore.

[2259] Oh, it doesn't?

[2260] Well, I guess they still have Monday or some kind.

[2261] but you're talking about Sunday nights, right?

[2262] He's Sunday and Monday.

[2263] But the point is, he's one of the coolest motherfuckers on the planet to me, and he has no idea this ever...

[2264] He has no idea I was the guy with a nice haircut.

[2265] Yeah, he probably forgot.

[2266] Yeah.

[2267] So hopefully he doesn't listen to this.

[2268] Well, that's like the...

[2269] I love this motherfucker.

[2270] It's the Dunbar's number thing.

[2271] Yeah.

[2272] He doesn't have any room, but for you, that was Joey Diaz.

[2273] But he hasn't have any room for that, you know, that many people back then.

[2274] He has to get to eat and...

[2275] All right, right, right, right.

[2276] Right, right, right.

[2277] That's what it was.

[2278] Like memory box.

[2279] He lost a couple guys that month, like the four years later.

[2280] He's like, this guy's in the box now.

[2281] I put you in the box, man, full try.

[2282] Yeah.

[2283] So, shouts out to Joey Diaz.

[2284] I love you and I don't mean any disrespect.

[2285] For real.

[2286] He's a classic human game.

[2287] I'm working with him in Ontario in the middle of October, and I'm very excited about it.

[2288] Oh, that's nice, man. Ontario's the shit.

[2289] I'm in Ontario the first weekend of October.

[2290] So you guys are like two weekends after that, right?

[2291] Yeah.

[2292] Yeah, a place is awesome.

[2293] I like how high the stage is.

[2294] I really liked it I like the way Ontario's built It's a good place Yeah All those improvs man You can't go wrong It's like Robert Hartman came To my show in Braille last week And I was saying like You know It's so nice that There's like There's clubs where you're guaranteed Nothing's going to go wrong Right Like the setup is going to be nice They all look the same inside They all run smooth They all know what to do It's 9 o 'clock The show star Don't You know how to do it They've been doing it since the beginning of fucking time.

[2295] So huge.

[2296] Where would comedy be if it wasn't for people that were willing to open up comedy clubs because it wouldn't be you and me. No, no, no. I wouldn't want to do all the heavy lifting.

[2297] Wouldn't be Tommy Buns?

[2298] Brian Redband wouldn't be fucking organizing staff and having fucking meetings and showing where the forks go.

[2299] Yeah, that's the tough part.

[2300] Between shows, when you see everybody clean it up in like 10 minutes, you're like, wow.

[2301] So I guess I didn't really do any work just now.

[2302] How about a place like the ice house that serves nice food?

[2303] Like they have a chef there now The food's fucking good They made me a steak Steak and potatoes there It was goddamn delicious So basically you're running a restaurant And a zoo Right A stand -up comic zoo How come people laugh so hard At the Ice House What's going on?

[2304] What do you mean?

[2305] I don't know I go there People laugh like Extra loud at the House It probably seems extra loud Because that ceiling's so low That place is the perfect spot It's awesome More drunk people too There's a lot of drunks That's set up though That low ceiling That's such a classic setup.

[2306] That's one thing I don't understand why the improv and the funny bone don't do.

[2307] It's like low ceiling just makes everything so much.

[2308] Who the fuck said they were playing to the balcony at the ice house until they realized there was no balcony?

[2309] Who was it?

[2310] Somebody was hammered.

[2311] I don't know.

[2312] It might have been Cowan.

[2313] He might have been so high that he thought there was a balcony because I don't think he works there very often.

[2314] That's how loud the audience was.

[2315] He's like, this room's twice as big as it looks like.

[2316] You know who it was?

[2317] What's it, Tom's a Gura?

[2318] It might have been Tom.

[2319] Cigura?

[2320] Yeah, you know what it was, Tom Cigura.

[2321] Bonds playing to the back of the room, and there was no back of the room.

[2322] Tommy Buns got lit.

[2323] He got a little lit.

[2324] Burt buns.

[2325] Well, that's, you know, we always say that that place is like, everybody there is so fucking cool.

[2326] The waiters are cool.

[2327] The bartenders are cool.

[2328] The waitresses are cool.

[2329] The managers are cool.

[2330] It's such an easy place to get lit in because you feel comfortable.

[2331] And you want to start buying people's drinks.

[2332] Come in.

[2333] Buy a drink.

[2334] Come in!

[2335] I'm pro -licker, folks.

[2336] Don't get me wrong.

[2337] Yeah.

[2338] But it can make a fool out of you.

[2339] Oh, yeah.

[2340] But it's also responsible for a lot of important shit.

[2341] Yeah.

[2342] Like most of the people on the planet.

[2343] If there was nobody drinking, what population?

[2344] How much population?

[2345] We'd still be at $150 million in this country.

[2346] People getting drunk texting each other.

[2347] How many babies were made because people got drunk and texted each other?

[2348] Six figures, at least.

[2349] Probably seven.

[2350] Yeah, it's at least a few.

[2351] it's gotta be insane the amount of people today in this day and age that I would like to know that were directly given birth like conceived by a drunk text like a drunk text started the chain of events that led to conception how many?

[2352] It's a lot it's a lot at this point we're getting close to seven figures we're getting close to a million close to a million from drunk texts over the past 10 years I would say most hookups start that way I'm just, I think What do you think if you had to say this Okay, we got phones And then we got text messages Then we got the internet Okay And then once we started getting the internet And we're starting Social media Facebook and shit like that What do you think is going to be the next thing?

[2353] What is going to be the one thing That pops us out of this Technology bubble And brings us even fucking closer To each other I can't think of it, the only thing I can think of it seems impossible.

[2354] What is that?

[2355] And that's some Star Trek beaming people around type shit.

[2356] Why is that the next thing?

[2357] You don't think there's more room for information?

[2358] I can't think of what the next thing is.

[2359] I think FaceTime is going to become more popular.

[2360] I don't think there's going to be any phone calls after a while where you don't have to, like, you have to look at the person.

[2361] Really?

[2362] I think that's going to go down and I'm not excited about it either.

[2363] Aren't you seeing more texting, though, than phone calls?

[2364] Absolutely.

[2365] You're right about that.

[2366] I remember.

[2367] You're right about that.

[2368] You're right about that.

[2369] I used to joke around about texting, but like, why are you texting me?

[2370] I'd be like, why don't you call me?

[2371] Like, you leave them, you would talk to each other.

[2372] You can explain it.

[2373] Why are you making me read?

[2374] And somewhere along the line, I realize, like, I text way more than I call people now.

[2375] Well, because you can kind of do it.

[2376] You can just do just what you're in the mood for.

[2377] I just want to talk to you just a little bit at a time.

[2378] I don't want to commit to getting on the phone with you.

[2379] You know what's something weird?

[2380] When texts start going weird, when you text them with someone back and forth, back and forth and back and forth, and you're like, listen, I'm just going to call you, and they don't pick up.

[2381] So annoying.

[2382] And you're like, oh.

[2383] You're like, okay, what are we doing here?

[2384] Is this a, are we playing a game?

[2385] It's because they can't screenshot calls.

[2386] Well, it's because they can't, oh, people do love the screenshot.

[2387] Oh, fuck.

[2388] Yeah, they're sending your fight to their girlfriends.

[2389] Like, like, oh, m .g. It's awful.

[2390] It takes them, it takes them three seconds to just screenshot, like, the last hour of fighting and sending it to you.

[2391] And I saw that happening all the time with my ex -exam.

[2392] Yeah, that certainly happens.

[2393] That certainly happens, but you know what else happens?

[2394] There's a weirdness in text.

[2395] There's a two -dimensionality to it.

[2396] It doesn't really convey who you really are.

[2397] You're not exchanging.

[2398] It's like if you say something to me and I'll go, well, I didn't know.

[2399] And you go, well, you should have known.

[2400] Okay, I'm sorry.

[2401] I'm honestly, I didn't know.

[2402] And they go, all right.

[2403] And then, like, you work it through and you're like, relax.

[2404] You both relax.

[2405] You both realize, like, this person is not trying to.

[2406] and be mean or that person.

[2407] It's just like, there's an honest misunderstanding that does happen.

[2408] But sometimes honest misunderstandings are laid by text become these fucking weird personal things.

[2409] Yeah.

[2410] Where people say shitty things to each other.

[2411] Absolutely.

[2412] Because when you say two dimensions, there's the one dimension of the person sending it, and then there's the other dimension of the way you read it.

[2413] Yeah.

[2414] And then how you respond to it, and then how are they going to read what you responded to?

[2415] It's insane.

[2416] It's also the same thing we were talking about with blogs, with people having websites and writing blogs.

[2417] Like, sometimes you shouldn't write.

[2418] write a blog.

[2419] Because sometimes this one -way conversation that you're having about a subject or a thing is incredibly indulgent.

[2420] Incredibly indulgent and not entertaining.

[2421] It's not like if you're a comedy writer, if you're like someone like Matt Fulgeron, and you're having to be a comedy writer and you're writing something for the purpose of entertainment.

[2422] It's supposed to be hilarious.

[2423] Yeah.

[2424] But no, some people are just being self -indulgent, whiny little babies, writing some boring -ass fucking diatribe, woe is me, or I am awesome, or this person sucks, and just blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah that's why i like twitter so much more than facebook because when you get when you add somebody on facebook you have to read like what they wrote and it's they'll just like bitch about whatever oh my god but they're not necessarily the best writers are the most interesting people so tired l -o -l yeah that's it isn't that the best see someone's update so tired l -o -l are you laughing you really laughing at loud so tired Like kind of an insane tiredness, I guess People are so broken Or I'll read like You know, because you When you do comedy and you meet people you don't know And they add you on Facebook Then you'll like You see oh, Susan Jeffery's got a new house Fucking Good for her You know, it's weird There's actually Burke Kreiser That was talking to the balcony, Joe Oh good That makes sense That makes so much sense That makes more sense He took off his shirt and pointed at the balcony He probably fucked the balcony He got drunk and he fucked the whole balcony So he realized it wasn't a person Is anybody more fun than Bert It's a good guy He's great Yeah well that's the only good thing As I said about L .A There's a lot of cool people here We've met a lot of really fun people here That's the only thing that keeps me hanging around Everything else is just like Jesus fucking Louises Enough We're all gonna die together Yeah but There's too many people man I would rather us figure out a way to move to another place, you know?

[2425] Yeah.

[2426] I really would rather figure out a way to get an entire city to up and move to a better spot, say, listen, cool people, this is what we're all going to do.

[2427] We're going to plan it over a five -year period.

[2428] I think it's the places that already voted yes on weed.

[2429] I think it's Washington and Colorado.

[2430] Yes, you're right.

[2431] It's or that.

[2432] It's one of the three.

[2433] If you go to, like I said this before, but if you go to Toronto, they are building so much skyscrapers there for people, like almost like they're waiting for Japan to move in.

[2434] Oh, it's funny that you say that because I'm at the Sony Center this Thursday with Tommy Segura and Brian Callan.

[2435] And you're like, oh, I would love to get tickets.

[2436] It's sold out, bitch.

[2437] But we're advertising anyways.

[2438] So instead go to Phoenix, Arizona.

[2439] No, it's not the same.

[2440] It's really far away.

[2441] September 26.

[2442] So on the other side of the country, you're telling people to travel.

[2443] way too far.

[2444] But don't bring your weed to Phoenix.

[2445] That's rude.

[2446] Yeah, you bring your weed to Phoenix.

[2447] They'll put you in a fucking pink underwear.

[2448] That's right.

[2449] Parade you around.

[2450] Sheriff Arpio.

[2451] Wow.

[2452] Wow.

[2453] They were saying something weird in Arizona where it's medicinal there now, but if you get caught, the punishments are insane.

[2454] Well, they're not, they're trying to stop it.

[2455] They're trying to stop like the state government doesn't like it, and they're not supporting it the way Colorado is, or the way California even is.

[2456] It's all about money, man. That's the number one thing that plagues us, and it's the number one thing that motivates us.

[2457] And it's a weird dance.

[2458] And whenever you put money above, above, like, logic and humanity and compassion, and then you wind up with private prisons and guys like Joe Arpaio and making people wear pink jumpsuits and all that stuff is just fucking nonsense.

[2459] There's things that we should focus on and there's things that are just huge.

[2460] huge distractions and huge problems in the normal ripple -less culture.

[2461] That's one of them.

[2462] It's stupid.

[2463] It's dumb.

[2464] You definitely should put people in jail if they do something wrong.

[2465] But this whole making a big deal out of it and you making them wear pink, I'm the toughest sheriff ever.

[2466] You're an asshole.

[2467] You're an asshole.

[2468] You should be measured and compassionate and you should be a nice person who's trying to keep nice people safe.

[2469] And hopefully rehabilitate people who haven't fucked up too bad.

[2470] And if they have fucked up too bad, you should probably shoot them.

[2471] Right.

[2472] Just at a certain point in time, you can't fix people.

[2473] Right.

[2474] There comes a number.

[2475] Sure.

[2476] There comes a deficit that you reach.

[2477] Do you hear they are?

[2478] What's his name committed suicide?

[2479] The guy from all...

[2480] Nixon?

[2481] What?

[2482] The guy who had the girls locked in his house in Ohio.

[2483] Oh, yeah.

[2484] Castro?

[2485] Ariel Castro?

[2486] Yeah.

[2487] Yeah, yeah.

[2488] It couldn't even take a month in incarceration.

[2489] Fucking commit suicide.

[2490] Has these women locked up for 10 years.

[2491] That guy had to be a tortured, tortured, tortured soul.

[2492] So terrifying that humans are capable of becoming a guy like that.

[2493] Or murdered.

[2494] He could have been murdered, too.

[2495] But, I mean, he was obviously a tortured soul just to do that.

[2496] Yeah.

[2497] They let him speak at the court case, and he was saying he had some kind of sex addiction.

[2498] It's like, no, motherfucker, you're insane.

[2499] You're crazy.

[2500] Well, did you hear there's a, shit, I just read this article on CNN last night right before I went to bed that there's uh yemen's i think you can there's no age when you can marry so somebody got married a 38 year old got married to a 7 an 8 year old and she died you know because of getting fucked too hard god you read through the article and it's like oh no this happens all the time these little kids come in like with internal bleeding because they're getting fucked by 40 year old guys there's a photo of the air force um hitting a pirate boat with a smart bomb it's the craziest fucking picture ever is there anything left no this is a pirate boat and this is a two thousand pound smart bomb it's bigger than the boat yep it's a two thousand pound smart bomb and it's about to hit the boat oh that is one smart bomb a smart bomb plays have you seen that no games have you seen that inflatable missile that kind of looks like that that you tie it on the back of your boat.

[2501] So, like, when you're going, it looks like you're getting chased by a missile.

[2502] This is a photo of the impact, too.

[2503] Look at this.

[2504] It shows the actual impact.

[2505] Wow.

[2506] That's crazy.

[2507] Now you see it?

[2508] Allegedly, right?

[2509] This could be some fucking Grand Theft Auto 10 game engine shit that they haven't revealed, yeah.

[2510] I mean, but this is like, whoa.

[2511] I mean, the fact that they can do that now, it's the Air Force wants to prove that it's B -1B, Lanser, supersonic strategic bomber isn't just useful for invading Iraq.

[2512] It's also good for blowing up tiny pirate boats.

[2513] And what better way to do that is taking it out to the Gulf of Mexico and having a drop a high -tech, 2 ,000 -pound GBU -10 smart bomb on an empty motorboat that probably weighs half as much and costs less?

[2514] Okay, so they did it to show that this is a test run.

[2515] This is not a real pirate boat.

[2516] Well, it'd have been way cooler if it was a real pirate boat.

[2517] boat.

[2518] There's kids in Africa that don't even have boats and they're just blowing these up.

[2519] Well, how much does this cost?

[2520] It weighs 2 ,000 pounds.

[2521] That shit must be ridiculously expensive.

[2522] It's cool that they're that accurate, that they can do that because that Tom Hanks trailer scares a shit out of me. Which one's that?

[2523] The Ethiopians, they take over with the guns and they look at me, look at me. I'm Captain now.

[2524] Yeah.

[2525] Skinny dude all fucked up on amphetamines.

[2526] Yeah.

[2527] They have some shit that they chew.

[2528] It's called cat.

[2529] K -H -A -T, and it's like an amphetamine.

[2530] Right.

[2531] And they chew it all day, like those leaves and just get tanked out.

[2532] It's natural?

[2533] Yeah, some natural meth.

[2534] And they just get whacked out on this anphetamines and fucking drive around on a boat with a ladder hook it on the big boats and climb up and start fucking shooting white people.

[2535] The American Dream.

[2536] Yeah, I guess.

[2537] That's rough.

[2538] I'm glad you didn't include that in the jail slash jungle scenario, because I wouldn't have picked that.

[2539] Getting hijacked.

[2540] Yeah.

[2541] There's a guy finished Grand Theft Auto 5 in one 38 -hour sitting.

[2542] That's all it took.

[2543] Jesus Christ.

[2544] A guy was on the BuzzFeed.

[2545] Real good -looking guy, right?

[2546] He finished.

[2547] He might be, man. He might just fucking really be ambitious.

[2548] Somebody doesn't like to have fun just trying to beat it.

[2549] Yeah.

[2550] Well, he wanted to figure out how fast he could do it so he could write an article on it.

[2551] You guys are buzz kills, man. I thought this was a podcast.

[2552] Sorry, man. We're sitting on talking shit.

[2553] You're like, wow, why are you guys just fucking fun killer?

[2554] So what does he say about it?

[2555] Just that it's awesome.

[2556] I read IGN.

[2557] Reviewed it as one of the best video games ever made.

[2558] Yeah, it's about as good as you can get.

[2559] It's pretty fucking badass.

[2560] These games are just getting more and more crazy.

[2561] But that's what we want now.

[2562] I mean, that's all we want.

[2563] We want, we want, you're not going to go get a game that makes you do yoga.

[2564] No. You know, a game that makes you run around giving hugs to people.

[2565] Once they've opened up the door to killing hookers with crow bars, you need to include that in number six.

[2566] Well, you don't get to do that in real life.

[2567] Sess.

[2568] You don't get to do that in real life.

[2569] In some parts of the world, though, but if you have enough money, you can get to do it.

[2570] And I bet it's still not as much fun as on the video game.

[2571] Yeah, because there's no karma in the video game.

[2572] The beautiful thing about the video game is you can run around braining people and not hurt anybody.

[2573] The idea that people think, like, oh, you know, violent video games are making children violent.

[2574] No, the world is making people violent.

[2575] The world is really violent.

[2576] You know what's going on in a video game?

[2577] Nothing.

[2578] Nothing.

[2579] You're sitting on a couch.

[2580] You're standing there watching some shit go down in front of you.

[2581] Nothing's happening.

[2582] God damn it.

[2583] It's not affecting anything.

[2584] Matt Fultron.

[2585] It's true.

[2586] You're right again.

[2587] I think you just checked out.

[2588] No. I think we just heard the last of Matt Fulton.

[2589] No, man, I'm here.

[2590] I'm here.

[2591] I sense it.

[2592] I'm here.

[2593] I sense it in your tone.

[2594] I'm ready to go.

[2595] Look, man, not everybody can do a three -hour podcast as I get up the fourth time to pee.

[2596] I did this UFC shit today, and I was just drinking water because I'm doing a lot of screaming.

[2597] So what does that mean?

[2598] What did you do?

[2599] Just analysis of upcoming fights, breaking down, upcoming matchups, and setting up different cards.

[2600] Okay.

[2601] Coming up in the future, they have these countdown shows.

[2602] And so they just sit down and they go, you know, what do you think about?

[2603] Junio Dos Santos versus Cane Velasquez?

[2604] I just start Right Thanks for getting us Those tickets by the way Any time my friend You enjoyed it That was awesome With Tom Segura Yeah At the improv Another great improv Yeah yeah The San Jose Impro is one of Even better places Because it's a historical place You can play the balcony there Oh yeah It's nice It's big it's nice It's historical That place is beautiful man It used to be an old Like movie theater You know like an old timey Like Dunnopopop Yeah Yeah with a band the whole thing.

[2605] Yeah, they had the whole thing.

[2606] It's a sweet place, man. Yeah, you have a good time, though?

[2607] I had a great time.

[2608] The UFC something, when you see that shit live, it's not, it's not like any other sporting event.

[2609] Yeah, no, it's crazy.

[2610] It's amazing.

[2611] Those guys are fucking incredible.

[2612] Yeah, it's fun to watch, man, that's for sure.

[2613] Well, you know how you gave us tickets, and then you walked us in so we didn't scan the tickets?

[2614] Yeah.

[2615] Then you sold the tickets?

[2616] No, I did something, I did something better.

[2617] I walked out, and this girl's like, like, do you have any tickets for sale?

[2618] And I go, here, I go, I go, just take it.

[2619] She's like, are the seats good?

[2620] Just take it.

[2621] Wow.

[2622] They're great.

[2623] You have no idea how good these seats on.

[2624] Did they sit next to you?

[2625] No, this is after me and Tommy Bunn's left.

[2626] Because we had to go to a show that night.

[2627] Oh, that's right.

[2628] So we left before the main event or whatever.

[2629] So you guys gave out your tickets?

[2630] Oh, that's smart.

[2631] I did.

[2632] I'm the saint.

[2633] That's smart.

[2634] Buns just lived to his on fire or whatever.

[2635] Did you get a number?

[2636] No. I wasn't in it for the time.

[2637] the number.

[2638] I was just in it for the fucking, the good deed.

[2639] You're a sweetie.

[2640] You know it?

[2641] It's true.

[2642] All right.

[2643] Where can people find you?

[2644] Where are you at next?

[2645] I am at, geez, I don't even have to...

[2646] Did you guys mention this earlier?

[2647] Yeah, we did.

[2648] I'm in Vegas, the 27th, 28.

[2649] How do they find you?

[2650] The full charge.

[2651] The full charge .com.

[2652] Follow me at the full charge on Twitter.

[2653] How's it the full charge?

[2654] Some kid just named me that and then it just kind of stuck.

[2655] And it's easier to spell them full chariot.

[2656] Yeah, full F -U -L -C -H -I -R -O -N Is that right?

[2657] You did it.

[2658] You're the man. It's a tough.

[2659] It's a tough.

[2660] It's a tricky one, though.

[2661] It's a -C -H -E -E -R -E -C -H -E -E?

[2662] Joe Rogans, aren't you?

[2663] You freaks.

[2664] Thanks to Squarespace .com.

[2665] Use the code word Joe and the number nine and save 20 % off throughout the entire month of September.

[2666] That's Joe 9, one word, Joe and the number 9.

[2667] Thanks also to audible .com.

[2668] Go to audible .com forward slash Joe, and you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of audible service.

[2669] We'll be back tomorrow with Kathleen Madigan.

[2670] Very funny.

[2671] Stand -up comedian.

[2672] the full charge has left the building, ladies gentlemen.

[2673] Go to Anit .com.

[2674] Use the code word Rogan, save 10 % off any supplements.

[2675] We'll see you dirty bitches tomorrow.

[2676] Until then, keep your freak power strong and hold out hope for the future.