Rachel Dratch

[0] Hi, my name is Rachel Dratch.

[1] And I feel overly excited about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] But wait, wait, why overly excited?

[3] Why not appropriately excited?

[4] Well, don't you think?

[5] Because I also feel a little nervous.

[6] When I'm doing these things, I get a little, like, heart racing a little bit.

[7] So I threw in the overly to make it different.

[8] That's just the cocaine talking.

[9] Exactly.

[10] I can be honest here.

[11] I know.

[12] You know me too well.

[13] You are a known cokehead.

[14] If I sing it, it's not as offensive.

[15] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[16] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[17] Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[18] We have a fantastic podcast for you today.

[19] I actually don't know if that's true.

[20] That's just a show business thing.

[21] You sort of come in with bravado and confidence.

[22] I do think it's going to be good.

[23] Yeah.

[24] It's going to be quite good.

[25] What do you mean you think?

[26] You did the interview already.

[27] Okay.

[28] Well, that's nice to give away the magic.

[29] That the interview's been done already.

[30] The interview is, I like the interview.

[31] a lot.

[32] Yeah.

[33] I really do like the interview, but this part, you don't know what I'm going to talk about.

[34] No. So this could go right in the toilet.

[35] This could.

[36] And so for me to say fantastic or this fabulous or an amazing episode is a falsehood.

[37] Right.

[38] Because I think the interview is wonderful, but I have no faith in what I'm about to say.

[39] I have given it, I don't know what I'm going to do.

[40] I don't know what we're going to talk about.

[41] All right, cool.

[42] You know, so this is just totally going to wing it and see what happens.

[43] What are we talking about?

[44] Well, this occurred to me. Oh, I don't like, I don't like whatever's happening right now.

[45] I have been experiencing, and people are fascinated in our culture with, let's, I want to know behind the scenes, what's really going on with our biggest stars, what's it really like to be them?

[46] Well, let me open up a window for you and tell you, because I think it's fair to say that I'm a big deal.

[47] Oh.

[48] Yeah.

[49] I'm up there with the, I'm the Timophage Shepha.

[50] Alameh of comedy, if you will.

[51] Wow.

[52] Well, I think that's fair.

[53] He's so young and new.

[54] So what's not about, I didn't say anything about my age or how - I feel really bad.

[55] The second young came out, I felt really bad about it.

[56] That's not what I'm talking about.

[57] I'm saying I am, I think most people right now listening to the podcast are nodding.

[58] If you said to them, what's Conan?

[59] I think a lot of people would say he's the Timothy -Shalameh of comedy.

[60] But what is it that you guys have in common?

[61] Just this, we're omnipresent, we're everywhere.

[62] you know, try and avoid Conan O 'Brien in the culture and try and avoid Timothy Shalame not going to happen.

[63] Right.

[64] Any time you turn up a volume dial, you're going to hear me. I'm everywhere.

[65] Do you think that your podcast right now is like as talked about as the movie Dune?

[66] Yes.

[67] Oh, you do?

[68] Yeah.

[69] Oh, okay.

[70] I think it's probably up there.

[71] I bet I haven't checked to see if I'm trending and I don't encourage anyone to check.

[72] I think just please don't check.

[73] But I bet Dune's trending, Shalameh's trending, and that Conan guy is trending.

[74] Am I Zendaya?

[75] No. That's ridiculous.

[76] Does I pronounce that right?

[77] I hear she's hardly in the movie.

[78] Yeah, she's in like 10 minutes.

[79] I haven't seen it yet, but she's in, she's everywhere and I thought, oh, this is the story of Timothy Shalameh and Zendaya, you know, on a sand planet.

[80] And no, apparently, I think she enters briefly, looks at the camera, says, Zendaya, present, and then walks out.

[81] present and accounted for.

[82] I think it's her full line.

[83] She might be happy to be here.

[84] Anyway, I'm going to let you in on what it's like to be me, which is I've had a lot of mouth discomfort lately.

[85] Oh, this is how you're Timothy Shalame.

[86] Huh.

[87] He talks about his mouth discomfort all the time.

[88] No, he doesn't.

[89] No, of course he doesn't.

[90] Oh, that's sarcasm.

[91] I just believe anything Sona ever tells me. Yeah, that was so, oh, I see, it's sarcasm.

[92] Well, guess what?

[93] Yeah.

[94] If he wants to stay relevant, he should.

[95] let people in on what's going on with himself medically.

[96] I would tell Timothy Shalime that he should tell people.

[97] By the way, little known fact, you remember this Sona.

[98] Yeah.

[99] A couple of years ago, we did shows at Comic -Con and a good friend of mine brought his nephew to our after party.

[100] Yeah.

[101] It was Timothy Shalameh about, I want to say, a year before he blew up.

[102] Wow.

[103] Or a year and a half, maybe two years.

[104] Yeah, I think I know what you're saying And he hung out at our after party And I have a picture of me with Timothy And I'm like, yeah, he seems like a nice kid I'll give him a little picture He's gonna treasure to this his whole life This picture with Conan O 'Brien Get in here, kid, here's something you can hang on to For the rest of your life This is your biggest moment right now Your picture with Conan O 'Brien Click, he's the biggest star in the universe Oscar nominee.

[105] And, you know, what am I over here?

[106] Chopped liver?

[107] Yes, I am.

[108] But anyway, that's not my point.

[109] My point is to get across that I knew Timothy Shalame just before he blew up and some would say I'm responsible.

[110] Others would say there's no connection.

[111] Right.

[112] And he owes me nothing.

[113] That's probably the more logical explanation.

[114] What's happening with your health?

[115] My health.

[116] I've had this, and I'm letting you in on a big star's pain and agony.

[117] I have had this discomfort in my mouth that really I swore to God was a tooth, a bad tooth.

[118] So I went to the dentist, they took x -rays, nothing wrong.

[119] A couple of weeks later, it's still really bothering me. I go back, more x -rays.

[120] They look, they go, no, nothing's wrong.

[121] And then one of them said, you know what, your sinus cavity is very close to the tooth nerve.

[122] Have you had a cold lately?

[123] Yes, I have.

[124] So then I look up online, nasal swelling, tooth pain.

[125] And it comes back with the...

[126] A hot Google search.

[127] I know.

[128] That's what people want to hear about.

[129] Conan's Google searches.

[130] That's some sexy Googling.

[131] Hey, you want to hear about my sexy Google search?

[132] Check this out.

[133] Nasal inflammation mouth pain.

[134] Milf.

[135] I put milf in at the end.

[136] Mill?

[137] No. Yes, I did.

[138] And man, was I off to the race.

[139] Oh.

[140] Anyway, just if you're out there, it's a real thing.

[141] And then it suggested take a decongestine and see what happens and I took a decongestine tooth pain went away completely.

[142] And so I'm gonna get it checked out.

[143] I'm gonna see an ENT.

[144] I don't get this sinus thing worked out.

[145] Yeah.

[146] But I just want you to know, well, I just let you in.

[147] I made myself vulnerable.

[148] And I think that's pretty brave of me. Well, and if you're out there and you're suffering from a toothache and you're going to the dentist and they're saying there's nothing wrong, it could be a sinus thing.

[149] Right.

[150] You're saving lives.

[151] Saving lives.

[152] Okay.

[153] All right, I get it.

[154] I get it.

[155] The joke is on me. Sexy Googling about sinus infections.

[156] I, you know what?

[157] Do you just add milf to every Google search?

[158] I just add milf to everything.

[159] I really do.

[160] Oh.

[161] Yeah, I do.

[162] Battle of Lexington Concord, 1775, milf.

[163] And you will see very attractive women in their 40s naked fighting it out with the British.

[164] Naked?

[165] Yeah.

[166] Do you think a Milf searched?

[167] They're not, they're wearing, what, you think they're wearing beekeepers outfits?

[168] What are you talking about?

[169] I don't know.

[170] Well, you have to also put naked.

[171] Oh, you have to.

[172] So you add Milf naked.

[173] Yeah, sometimes I forget the naked and I do just Lexington Concord battle 1775 naked.

[174] And it's a naked male recreation of that battle.

[175] And that's not, I have to say, it's just not fun.

[176] It doesn't do it for you.

[177] It doesn't do it for me. But let's review what we've learned in this incredible opening to the show that was completely unscripted.

[178] One, if you have mouth pain, it could be your sinus.

[179] Just check into that.

[180] And if you want temporary relief, use a decongestant.

[181] Got it.

[182] Two, Timothy Shalameh.

[183] The biggest thing that may ever have happened to him is his picture with me, which I'm sure he treasures.

[184] I've seen some photographs of him.

[185] because there's photographs of him everywhere and he's wearing a locket, I bet it's the photo of me and him in the locket.

[186] I'm pretty sure that's true.

[187] Do the Kira member is taking that picture with you?

[188] I think, no. I bet he does.

[189] I'm quite certain.

[190] I'm quite certain he has no memory of anything that happened to him.

[191] He's got the kind of fame where everything had happened to you before that fame started is completely obliterated.

[192] It's like men in black.

[193] When you get that kind of fame, all memory, prior to that is wiped clean.

[194] Yeah, okay, I get that.

[195] I know that I'm not that famous because I remember everything really well.

[196] I was just gonna ask if you remember anything from before you were 29.

[197] Yeah, a super, very detailed, granular memories of fifth grade and all the humiliations and struggles with acne, all still there in brilliant technicolor.

[198] So yes, I never quite made it.

[199] But I've talked to people like Tom Hanks and I've said, so, you know, before Splash, and he's like, nothing.

[200] Wow.

[201] No memory.

[202] And then Steve Martin, no memory.

[203] Betty White's real fame came later in life.

[204] She has no memory of anything that happened to her before she was 85.

[205] So he won't remember having ice cream with me at Girideli.

[206] Who, Timothy?

[207] Timothy Shalman.

[208] Imagine if he remembered Sona but didn't remember you.

[209] Could we have him on the podcast?

[210] Are you guys, do you have his number?

[211] Are you close?

[212] No, I don't have his number.

[213] I could probably get it.

[214] But no, I don't have his number.

[215] I'm sure, you know what, I'm going to say Sona, sure, I'm going to be nice to you.

[216] Yes, I'm sure he remembers having ice cream with you.

[217] Okay.

[218] He probably remembers exactly what he ordered.

[219] Peppermint, fudge, ripple crunch.

[220] Do you remember?

[221] Shalome.

[222] That's the sound of Tim, when he kisses someone.

[223] Salome.

[224] It's in the air.

[225] It's in the air.

[226] That's nice.

[227] My guest today.

[228] My guest today is a hilarious actress and comedian who was a cast member on Cernet Life for seven years.

[229] creating the iconic character Debbie Downer.

[230] Now she has a new film which she co -wrote and stars in A Cluster Funk Christmas.

[231] I'm very happy to talk to her again because we have some memories of sharing 30 Rock together, me at late night, she at SNL, and some of our misadventures.

[232] I'm thrilled she's with us today.

[233] Rachel Dratch, welcome.

[234] Rachel, I'm very happy to talk to you because you're hilariously funny and be loved, but also, in addition to that, you and I, we go back a ways.

[235] We have some, we got a few war stories, I think, that we could talk about.

[236] We do.

[237] I don't know if you're thinking what I'm thinking, but I have a very clear memory once, and I'll set it up.

[238] I knew it's coming right out.

[239] I knew it's going to be first.

[240] Is this where you sexually harassed me on an elevator?

[241] Because that's what I was thinking about.

[242] I blocked that part out.

[243] Yeah, you were true.

[244] Oh, mine starts with a W. With a W. Yeah.

[245] Is it Wendy's?

[246] Yes!

[247] This is so exciting.

[248] Okay, let me roll this out for people and then...

[249] Roll it.

[250] I'll start it, which is, I believe it was around Thanksgiving time.

[251] And this is back in the day.

[252] I'm the host of the late night show.

[253] And I'm on the sixth floor.

[254] You're at Sarnat Live.

[255] You guys are taping that on the eighth floor.

[256] and in this famous studio 8H and so we're always running into each other and I think we ran into each other and we're both from Massachusetts I'm from Brookline, Mass, you're from, where are you from again?

[257] Lexington.

[258] Yeah.

[259] That's right, Lexington, and I knew that about you and we'll talk about that because I have a story about that too.

[260] Okay.

[261] But we bump into each other and we're talking about it's the holiday.

[262] We're both going to, I'm going to head up, like on Wednesday for Thursday Thanksgiving or something like that, I think, something like this.

[263] And then we're chatting and you said, asked me how he was getting up there and I said, I'm just gonna drive.

[264] Is this right so far?

[265] Yeah, except I thought I was actually a guest on your show where you were chatting in between the little thing.

[266] Yeah.

[267] But in any case, yes.

[268] Either way, you know, I had no life outside of the show.

[269] Yeah, so it makes sense that it happened during the show because you were a guest and in the commercial break so the band's playing and you said, hey Conan you headed back to Massachusetts and I said yeah and you said how are you going and I said I'm going to drive and I think you said you mentioned that you had to go up too and I think either you asked or I offered why don't we drive together exactly and there we were setting off cut to us in your car pulling over in Connecticut.

[270] We're driving along.

[271] Walking into a Wendy's somewhere in Connecticut.

[272] So we're driving along and I'm hungry and you're hungry and I see the Wendy's girl who always looks like me. You're an affinity.

[273] Yeah, I have an affinity for the Wendy's girl because that's what I looked like when I was 14.

[274] And I'm chugging along and I was like, let's stop and get a bite to eat.

[275] I think, if I remember correctly, you were like, this is a little weird that we're both going to walk into a Wendy's together.

[276] Oh, I thought it was just kind of funny because it's like, here we are.

[277] The stars of NBC television.

[278] We carry NBC on our shoulders and here we are walking.

[279] There's also a funny height differential to add to the comedy of it.

[280] And we did walk into Wendy's.

[281] We did walk into a Wendy's.

[282] Like common folk.

[283] Yes.

[284] And this is the amazing thing.

[285] And you know what?

[286] I have not been out in public since.

[287] This is, that was the last time.

[288] I don't know about you.

[289] But I, that was my last taste of the real world.

[290] Yeah, I just said, well, there can be no more of this.

[291] No, we walked into this Wendy's and it was funny because they knew who we were and we just walked in like it was a sketch.

[292] It was like, and it was just really, and then we got our Wendy's and sat down and ate and we had a lovely time.

[293] I feel like we weren't, I didn't, I don't remember being recognized, but maybe you were recognized by a bunch of of people.

[294] But in any case.

[295] I think I made sure that I was recognized.

[296] Okay.

[297] I usually, Sonny, isn't that true?

[298] When I walk into a restaurant, I say, well, Conan O 'Brien, here to eat.

[299] I'm here.

[300] TV's Conan O 'Brien.

[301] Yeah.

[302] But then the other thing is that you gave me door -to -door service.

[303] You dropped me off at my house.

[304] Yes.

[305] And the cute thing is my mom, who probably hadn't baked anything since, like, I don't know.

[306] I was, like, in high school, had made cookies.

[307] Which is so cute Because she knew Conan was dropping me up It's just so cute She came out and she gave me cookies And I think I came into your house for a little bit I think you did You did And I think I probably stayed For a little bit longer than I should have And I'm guessing like I could just see you And your mom being like so Long Drive to Brookline You better get going No that didn't happen But I remember I knew we would be talking about Well if your memory is like mine I was like oh we're going to go Wendy's first to form up, first off the bat.

[308] And I'll tell another story that unites us, which is, I want to say it was, I think it was 2000, way back in the year 2000, which I can't believe it's that long ago, but I'm hosting Serenet Live.

[309] And so you used to write these great sketches about all the Boston characters, like Ben Affleck would be in it, and you do a great Boston accent.

[310] and it's all just people with these really thick Boston accents.

[311] And you thought, oh, this is a home run.

[312] I'm going to write one of these Boston accent pieces for Conan because he's from Boston.

[313] And you write it.

[314] And I remembered you came up to me just before read -through, which is on Wednesdays.

[315] And you're like, oh, Conan, I wrote one of those Boston pieces, so you just do the Boston accent.

[316] And I do it at rehearsal.

[317] And it's a funny, it's a funny sketch.

[318] and people laugh.

[319] My Boston accent, you know, I had moved away and I don't think I ever had a really strong Boston accent and I didn't have the ear for it.

[320] And I had lived a lot of places since.

[321] I remember you came up to me afterwards and went, yeah, well, the Boston accent was kind of off.

[322] We could get it better.

[323] No, my God.

[324] No, no, you weren't being wrong.

[325] You weren't being mean.

[326] I'm sorry.

[327] No, no, Rachel, you weren't being mean, but I was, and so you wrote this sketch, you were right.

[328] You've got, you know, it's got to be right.

[329] so for the rest of the week you'd come up to me and go like all right now just say this thing where you're like yeah I gotta go over to talk to years and the yard and I go yeah you got it and you'd be like no no no no no like in Boston and I'd say I honestly I'm sorry Rachel I'll do it I promise and I never quite got it and you I remembered up to the minute we did it and it aired up to the minute we did it I never could quite get it right and you were horrified like who the fuck is this guy He grew up in Boston.

[330] Yes, this happened.

[331] I apologize.

[332] Don't apologize.

[333] You were right.

[334] But like you're hosting.

[335] You're nervous about like a million sketches and I'm like nattering in your ear about.

[336] Well, you were right.

[337] You've got to be right.

[338] And it was like a dialect coach.

[339] But you know what was so crazy, Rachel, is that I've seen my parents have super eight films of us from like when we were kids.

[340] And I'll see those.

[341] And we all, including me, have full on.

[342] Boston accents.

[343] Really?

[344] And, you know, I'm full on talking that way.

[345] And then something happened.

[346] I don't know if it was self -loathing.

[347] You got smat.

[348] You got smat.

[349] I got smat and happened.

[350] It went away.

[351] But I remember this, I never forget when I've let someone down, like that sticks with me. And I swear to.

[352] I swear to God, I was like, I could see it in your eyes like, Like his idiot doesn't, he's not getting it.

[353] Oh my gosh.

[354] Yeah.

[355] I don't remember feeling that way.

[356] But I. Well, now I encourage people to go out.

[357] Look for the Conan O 'Brien hosting Cernet Live in 2000.

[358] No, I remember because we were like outside a packing lot at a convenience store, something like that.

[359] And I remember.

[360] Did Ben Affleck come on to?

[361] Yeah, but he didn't do it at dress on air and no one told me. So on air we're doing it.

[362] And all of a sudden, at the end.

[363] And Ben Affleck runs out and he's like, yeah, Sonny, be a friend, yeah.

[364] And the band kicks in.

[365] And I was like, first, I just thought someone from the audience had run out.

[366] And I realized it's Ben Affleck.

[367] Oh, my God.

[368] And I didn't even know he was going to be in the sketch.

[369] So, no, I mean, no one was telling me anything.

[370] They were just like, you know.

[371] Oh, you know.

[372] Well, I apologize.

[373] No, I don't want you to.

[374] For my, for my stickler.

[375] I was being a stickler, I guess.

[376] Oh, my God.

[377] I'm so sorry.

[378] Okay, well, I don't remember feeling that.

[379] Well, listen.

[380] I remembered you were worried about it.

[381] So I remember I was trying to, like, help you.

[382] Oh, so that's how you remember it.

[383] Anyway, that's how I remember that you were worried about it.

[384] Yeah, and I needed you, and you were trying to help me. No, you were doing the right thing, which is, like me, I'd be doing the same thing.

[385] I take comedy really seriously.

[386] And if something is three degrees to the right of the left, I'm like, we got to get that fixed.

[387] And so it just really stuck out with me. Oh, God.

[388] You know what this is?

[389] It's water under the bridge.

[390] Water run to the bridge.

[391] Dirty water.

[392] I hope.

[393] Do you ever, I go back all the time to visit my family.

[394] And when I go back there, I do have this weird feeling of noticing all this stuff about Boston that really cracks me up, like the fact that I'll walk around and everyone's wearing a Red Sox cap.

[395] And when you're in, like, it's, you're standing up for your team when you're, you're, you're standing up for your team when you're, in Cleveland and you're wearing a Boston red socks cap or you're in New York.

[396] But when you're on Newbury Street and everyone, including dogs walking up and down the street, have little red socks caps on.

[397] Right.

[398] And you're wearing your red socks cap.

[399] It's like, we all know.

[400] We're all good.

[401] It's okay.

[402] I thought everyone did that in every city.

[403] No. It is not like that.

[404] It is not like that.

[405] It is peculiar to Boston.

[406] But God bless them.

[407] God bless them.

[408] We'll all.

[409] God love you.

[410] Yeah.

[411] Do you go back a lot?

[412] I do, yeah, because all my high school friends are there, so I go see them a lot, yeah.

[413] Now, I have to ask you, because both of us, you know, you're Lexington, I'm Brookline, both from Massachusetts, and I think like me, I was interested in comedy, but nobody I knew was in show business.

[414] Show business felt like, why even talk about it?

[415] It's an impossibility.

[416] I was not one of those.

[417] I mean, this is pre -Tik -Tik.

[418] pre, I'm going to make stuff on the internet and get some likes and some good comments and then maybe I'll be a celebrity.

[419] That seemed completely impossible to me. What was your experience?

[420] Yeah, exactly the same.

[421] Like, I like doing school plays and I was really into watching SNL when I was little.

[422] And I was sort of became like this class clown type.

[423] But I never thought of like putting that all into like, I'm going to be an actor.

[424] Like the same, like what you said, I had no idea.

[425] It was just something like for fun, sort of.

[426] But I was definitely.

[427] I was definitely a comedy fan.

[428] Right.

[429] I was huge into comedy, and you could make your friends laugh.

[430] Like, to me, comedy was not something that I thought I would ever get paid for.

[431] It was something I did for my friends.

[432] They knew it.

[433] But other people in high school, like, didn't know it.

[434] Yeah, well, so I had this little group of friends that they're all really funny.

[435] So I didn't, I wasn't like, I'm the funny one because, like, I had a whole bunch of funny pals around.

[436] But then I was the one that was, like, doing the school plays.

[437] until I think that, I don't know, that I, you know, I would see movies and be like, oh, how do people get into movies?

[438] Like, how do they do that, you know?

[439] But it was more just for fun, I guess.

[440] I really thought, I remember there was a time when I was a kid where I thought the way to get into movies was to go where they're making money and walk into the movie.

[441] I still feel like that.

[442] When I see a set, like, and I don't have a job, and I see like, oh, they're filming across the street.

[443] I'm like walking my dog, like, you guys need an extra lady on this movie.

[444] Like, it still crosses my mind.

[445] My sister Kate, and a shout out to my sister Kate, she's hilarious, but she lives in Boston, and I swear to God, for years, she always had a knack for showing up on the local news.

[446] So she's just like, if anything happened, she somehow was nearby, and then they'd say, like, we talked to this resident.

[447] Oh, man, you should have seen it.

[448] It's just crazy what happened.

[449] Like Kate again.

[450] How did Kate get into local news?

[451] Yeah, she was on more local news stories, I think, than anybody.

[452] I was, yeah, she just had that knack.

[453] She was always a great witness to.

[454] something, whether she had seen it or not.

[455] But it's funny because you got this, you only look back on it later, now you have this pedigree, which is incredibly cool because you get out of college, you get involved in Second City, and you're working with like Adam McKay and Tina Faye, and when you look back on it now, it looks like you knew exactly what you were doing.

[456] Do you know what I mean?

[457] Well, so yeah, so I started doing improv in college and then we had gone out to One of the guys in that group was from Chicago, so we'd gone to check it out.

[458] So my take was, and I don't know what you thought when you were starting up, but I was just like, okay, I'm just going to try this so I don't go through my whole life thinking like, oh, I should have at least given it a shot.

[459] You know, so I was like, I'll just try this Chicago thing.

[460] It probably won't work, and then I'll move back to Boston and become a therapist.

[461] That's because that was my other career interest.

[462] Really?

[463] Yeah, I was really into psychology.

[464] I mean, I still am.

[465] But so anyway, then I would like, you know, made very, very slow progress in Chicago.

[466] Like, you know, I didn't get into Second City classes right away and that I didn't get, like, I, you know, like we all have our little rejections, whatever.

[467] But then I just kept going.

[468] And yeah, I mean, like, right away I met Adam McKay and, yeah, he was one of the first people I met there at Improv Olympic.

[469] Then, like, eventually got in the Second City and like Tina Faye and Scott Adsett and, oh my gosh, a whole.

[470] John Glazer, I think, was in with you.

[471] John Glazer was in my...

[472] Yeah, who was a writer -performer on my show for years and years, hilarious guy.

[473] And Brian McCann, I used to watch him all the time in this improv.

[474] He was in, like, the group ahead of me, sort of he was like the house team.

[475] So, like, you kind of learned through osmosis of watching these guys perform at the weekend, yeah.

[476] That's a weird thing.

[477] It's like, if you want to be a minor, go to where all the minds are and go down into the mines.

[478] Like, that's what...

[479] That's Chicago and L .A. it's probably still that way, but I remember very much in the improv world because I was interested in the same thing coming to that same fork in the road and thinking there's Chicago, Second City, or there's L .A. groundlings.

[480] And I got a job in L .A. so that I made it the groundlings.

[481] And then later on went back to Chicago and did some stuff there and met a bunch of people.

[482] But it's crazy how if you go and you hang out with those people and you find your group, it will happen one way or the other.

[483] Yeah.

[484] I mean, so many people that we started out with are working.

[485] Because this is always strike.

[486] Whenever people ask me for, you know, college, those college kids asking for showbiz advice.

[487] Like the thing I always say is that pretty much everyone we start out with it, if you stick with it, you know, they're working in writing or acting or something.

[488] So it's not as hard as, I mean, it takes a lot of time.

[489] Yeah.

[490] But it's not like impossible, you know.

[491] You were in a show, you and Tina were in a two -person show together, I think.

[492] Yeah, that was, so after we both had done the main stage for a couple years, then she was at S &L as a writer, and I had left Second City and nothing was kind of happening.

[493] So we did a two -person show in Drafton Faye in Chicago, and then we did it here, and it was just, yeah, both of us doing sketch, yeah.

[494] And it just felt like, oh, we're speaking the same language here.

[495] We can.

[496] Oh, yeah.

[497] I mean, we already performed together at Second City and everything.

[498] But then actually after that, like she got moved to be the anchor on Weekend Update.

[499] So, you know, it was good for her to be seen by Lauren probably as the performer that she is.

[500] Right.

[501] And I'm curious about, obviously, you did a lot of iconic stuff.

[502] Debbie Downer.

[503] I know Sona is a massive, I am too, but Sona.

[504] I love Debbie Downer.

[505] And as a fan, Sona, tell us what was it that really hit you about Debbie Downer?

[506] How real it is How everybody has that one friend Who's just shitty to be around Yeah, that's definitely The thing people come up to me about the most And they always say that like That's my boss, that's my mom That's my whoever it is, yeah But like there's a Debbie Downer that lives inside of me Is that really you?

[507] Is that really you?

[508] Well, it's not, but like what it is Is I edit out like the thing I want to say Because, like, you know, I read all these bad news stories all the time.

[509] And so someone says me, like, I want to be like, oh, actually, that's because of climate change.

[510] Like, someone's like, oh, it's really nice.

[511] Isn't this nice?

[512] It's 70 degrees in December.

[513] Like, there's a part in this one that's due to climate change.

[514] But I, like, hold myself back.

[515] And I'm picturing the camera pushing in, too.

[516] Exactly.

[517] Which is crucial.

[518] Yeah.

[519] You know, it's funny because maybe you can diagnose yourself, but you say, This isn't you, but it's a part of you and you were very interested in psychology and studying the human mind and behavior.

[520] What does this say about you that this is part of you?

[521] Oh, geez.

[522] I don't know.

[523] Because it might be a Massachusetts thing.

[524] You know, there's a little bit of a Massachusetts thing like where, you know, we grew up expecting.

[525] Yeah, exactly.

[526] We always, whenever someone says, hey, congrats Conan on good thing happening to you.

[527] I go, well, remember, you know, let's just.

[528] just chop that down to size and tomorrow I could easily be dead and they go, what was that all about?

[529] I don't know.

[530] I mean, the way that I would write sketches, I don't know what it was like for you because you were a writer on the show.

[531] You had to come up with stuff every week.

[532] But for me, like, I mean, the actors have to write too, as you know.

[533] But I definitely couldn't just sit at a computer and be like, I'm going to write something funny now.

[534] Like I had to be sort of hit by the muses, which would happen.

[535] Right.

[536] A couple times a year.

[537] Like for something really good that would last.

[538] Like, you know, I could crank out a scene, but it wasn't always going to be like, oh, my God, this is going to be good.

[539] Like, that was maybe once a year.

[540] And it came from like something in life that you would see and then pocket that for a scene.

[541] Like, it has to be something I observed rather than like, I'm going to write a scene about the current political situation.

[542] Like, that was not me. Well, I was a writer and not a performer on the show.

[543] and what I remember is my best stuff was stuff where I was clowning around because I always performed for the other writers and I would clown around for the other writers and get them laughing and one of them would invariably say that would be a funny sketch and I'd go, oh yeah, right, I forgot we're supposed to be doing that.

[544] Yeah.

[545] A couple of us would sit down and write it out and sometimes I'd even forget.

[546] What was that I was doing again?

[547] No, no, no. It's really funny.

[548] When you came in the room when you did that thing.

[549] And so some of my favorite sketches were bits that I was doing for people around the conference table at Sarnat Live.

[550] And it was making me laugh and it was making the other writers laugh and then it turned into a sketch.

[551] So I'm the same way.

[552] I couldn't just put some paper in a typewriter and go, hmm, and I just really dated myself.

[553] I know, I was going to say.

[554] I'm sorry.

[555] There were no, when I was at S &L, not only did we not use typewriters, we used, we wrote stuff out in longhands, and then we took it to this, for real?

[556] Yeah, that we took it to this literal stenopool of all these different, I remember it was like five.

[557] It was like a 1950s.

[558] It really was madman.

[559] They were five, there were like five women and you'd hand them the stuff and they would clap, clack, clack away.

[560] And then they would come find you and go, because we were writing in longhand.

[561] And we were writing, you know, sometimes upside down, lying on the floor.

[562] We'd fallen asleep.

[563] And they'd go, I'm sorry.

[564] I'm sorry, what's this say right here?

[565] Oh, my gosh.

[566] That's, oh, it's a dilapidated homer.

[567] This is the word, or that's an A, not an E. So, yeah, it was the same way it had been done in 1975 when the show started.

[568] And I think within probably two years of me leaving, it was all computers.

[569] Ah, okay.

[570] But I was the same way.

[571] I couldn't just sit down and.

[572] Yeah.

[573] Well, it's time to write a sketch.

[574] Clickety, clackety, clickety, clackety, clackety.

[575] I couldn't do that.

[576] It had to be something that came out of, I think, my behavior half the time.

[577] The worst is when it's writing night and I had no ideas and then you hear all these gales of laughter coming from other offices.

[578] Oh my God, that's the worst.

[579] And you're just sitting there like, oh, it's three in the morning.

[580] I got nothing, you know.

[581] Oh, it's the worst.

[582] It's the worst when, and everybody felt it, you know, so many people have just gone on to be a big deal or it doesn't matter.

[583] Everybody had that feeling.

[584] Yeah.

[585] I don't care who you were.

[586] Chris Rock had the feeling.

[587] several times of walking past closed doors and hearing laughter inside and thinking, shit, I don't have anything right now.

[588] Right, right, right.

[589] And or David Spade or whoever, name anybody.

[590] Everybody had that feeling we all did.

[591] And it's such a lonely feeling because it's three in the morning.

[592] You know that your term paper is due in a couple of hours.

[593] But, I mean, at least because you're a performer, you knew that even if you didn't write something, someone's going to cast you.

[594] Yeah, you know, someone might cast you, but, you know, you couldn't count on someone to write you this amazing character, because that usually came from the actors.

[595] And then every so often, you'd get sort of like handed this amazing idea from somebody, or you'd get cast in a regular sketch.

[596] Right.

[597] Yeah.

[598] Where did you come up with the idea for a girl with no gay dar?

[599] Okay, yeah, that was from an actual.

[600] Like, I was at a party of a gay friend of mine, and there were like 80 men and five women there.

[601] and I was joking around like, oh, the odds are really good here, I'm going to meet someone tonight.

[602] And so, like, that's how that sketch came about.

[603] Or, like, there's this one sketch.

[604] I mean, it was like not that this is like a classic or anything, but I once wrote this sketch with Emily Spivey where we were playing that game, Celebrity, you know, when you put all the names.

[605] And, like, because I was at an actual celebrity game where one guy was getting really, really mad, and it was creating tension.

[606] So then I was, oh, this would be a funny sketch.

[607] So we did this sketch where, like, I was just.

[608] getting super pissed and then I ran through a wall like Looney Tune style but that kind of thing like something happens in life and then you're like oh this would be a sketch you know but like I said you couldn't control when that was going to happen you can't control it and also it's amazing how other people in the world who don't do it for a living will watch something happen that's pretty mundane like you know Rachel you'll just be you'll be in a Wendy's and you'll bite into your burger and part of it will fall on the ground and they'll say to you Rachel, this is a sketch for S &L and you're thinking no how is that a sketch a piece of the burger just fell and they're like I'm telling you that's a fucking sketch and I've always loved that part where I want really tell me how that sketch works the burger falls I was just saying this like you're paying in a cash register or something and they're like don't put this in a sketch and I'm like what if there was anything here put it in a Right.

[609] Your loved one passes away and you're there, you know, kneeling at the casket, and they're like, don't put this in a sketch.

[610] What?

[611] You know, this is a sketch.

[612] No, it's not.

[613] I lost a loved one.

[614] They're dead now, and I'm praying over their corpse, and they'll never see them again.

[615] This is going to be a sketch.

[616] I know it is.

[617] Where are you right now?

[618] We're not in the studio together.

[619] You're, uh...

[620] Oh, I'm in New York.

[621] Okay, tell me about your life.

[622] That's where I live.

[623] Uh -huh.

[624] Because I thought, I was told that you're one block away, but you just refuse to be in the room with me. Uh -huh.

[625] Yeah.

[626] Wait, you're in L .A., right?

[627] I'm in L .A. right now.

[628] Okay, okay, just making sure.

[629] Yeah.

[630] No, I'm in New York, and, well, I have a kid.

[631] Oh, yeah.

[632] How old's your kid?

[633] I'm a young kid.

[634] He's 11.

[635] He's 11.

[636] So is he funny?

[637] Oh, yeah, he's very funny.

[638] Not that I've been like, okay, we're going to do, he just is, like, naturally funny.

[639] Yeah, I don't think you can train people.

[640] to be, yeah, kids funnier they're not.

[641] You can't say, all right, get up.

[642] Now remember, here's double take, now triple take.

[643] You know, now look sad, now look suddenly happy for no reason.

[644] Now fall down.

[645] I suppose you could.

[646] Are your kids funny?

[647] Yeah, they are.

[648] My kids are really funny and totally unimpressed with anything I'm doing.

[649] Like totally, yeah, in a good way.

[650] They're just like, uh -huh.

[651] So that works for you.

[652] Okay.

[653] Keep trying, old man. Right.

[654] So.

[655] I haven't done that much.

[656] for his age range, so I haven't really had a, you know, a big moment where I've scored big with him.

[657] But yeah, so I'm here in New York and I'm like, a mom, and then I do comedy when things come along my way.

[658] Or I write something, you know, how that goes.

[659] Sure, yeah.

[660] But that's funny to say, I'm a mom who does comedy.

[661] Well, I guess because when you said, what's my life?

[662] Like that's my main thing is like, school.

[663] pickup and stuff like that.

[664] So, and then, yeah, but like I was off doing a movie this summer with Anna Gassdair, actually.

[665] So I was away for a bit doing that.

[666] I bet you had fun, you and Anna.

[667] Oh, yeah, it was so fun.

[668] Yeah, it was really fun.

[669] Do you find that you, there are the ones who are funny when it's time to be funny and then kind of quiet and introspective the rest of the time?

[670] Yeah.

[671] I do not fall into that category.

[672] Would you say that's fair, Sona?

[673] Very fair, yes.

[674] Yeah.

[675] I'm trying stuff out all the time on anybody I meet.

[676] I'm just trying to get laughs out there in the world with anybody I come across.

[677] Where are you on that spectrum?

[678] I'm not.

[679] You're not that way?

[680] No, like, I think sometimes people meet me and they're like, you're not funny.

[681] But with my friends, I feel like, with my friends, I feel like I'm fine.

[682] Oh, this is funny.

[683] When someone came up to, I was walking with my son, he was like seven.

[684] And someone's like, what's it like, 10?

[685] a funny mom and he's like I make her laugh more than she makes me laugh but it's true like it's totally true right um no I'm definitely not like let me try out this bit I don't know but then like when I get around so you're healthy is what you're saying you're what you're describing Rachel is a healthy person well but when I'm around you know my friends like my funny friends then you know we get we really get going Kona no but you know I like with this S &L ladies are my regular, my regular friends.

[686] I mean, I have friends that aren't actors that are also very funny.

[687] It used to be in the olden days that there were people that were really funny and most of them didn't go into show business, you know?

[688] Most of them were like, they'd go and become a dentist and then you'd get to know them as, oh, he's that dentist who's really funny, you know?

[689] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[690] He's that guy that operates the jackhammer at the construction site, but he's really funny.

[691] Right.

[692] And then I think we're in this era now where if you're a funny, person, it's almost incumbent upon you to be making comedic content all the time.

[693] You know what I mean?

[694] For the internet or whatever, you know, it's like, why aren't you doing this for a living?

[695] Well, we do need some dentists.

[696] We do need some people repairing the roads.

[697] We have plenty of funny people.

[698] But I think that's good that you're always thinking of comedy.

[699] Because I think I used to be more like, especially on the show.

[700] You know, when you're on SNL, you're like, I've got to come up with a. So I was always like eyes out to find funny things.

[701] But now that I don't have to think of sketches anymore, I'm not going through life like, this would make a good sketch, you know.

[702] Right, right.

[703] That was my cashier voice of the person.

[704] I think you blew it because I think this cashier thing is fantastic.

[705] I actually think the cashier was right.

[706] I'm going to write it.

[707] You're going to write a sketch that just happens to have a cashier in it in the back.

[708] Yeah, just a transaction.

[709] A cash credit transaction.

[710] That's it.

[711] What's it like?

[712] I'm curious about this because you've had this experience, and I know some other SNL people have had this experience.

[713] I have not, but you were on SNL, and then you leave, and you do these other things, but then you were called back a couple of years ago to play Amy Klobuchar, and I'm thinking, what's it like to go back into that world?

[714] I'm fascinated by that.

[715] Well, for me, it was super fun just because, you know, I don't know.

[716] I didn't feel like, you know, I'm the big star of SNL ever, you know, like some people are, you know, really, it's known that they're like the thing.

[717] I never really felt like that.

[718] So to even get the call to come back, I was really like, oh, okay.

[719] Like, you know, I don't know.

[720] Right now you're just looking at.

[721] Well, I'm looking at you because you made your, because you made your mark.

[722] You made your mark on SNL.

[723] You know how that place is.

[724] Like, oh, boy.

[725] You definitely didn't feel like, I knew you'd come crawling back.

[726] You should have had that attitude with Lauren when he called you back, to be on SNL.

[727] Oh, Lord.

[728] I knew you'd be calling me. Yeah, so I was very flattered.

[729] I was touched to be called back.

[730] You know, I mean, we got called back every soft and do, like, the Betty White show.

[731] And, like, so it's really, it's really fun to go back there.

[732] But they called me to do that Klobish art. Like, you know how it goes?

[733] Like, they call.

[734] like Thursday night we've got a sketch you know can you come tomorrow kind of thing so it was definitely out of the blue and then like you know I kept getting to go back the whole year so it was really fun well I would think tell me if I'm right about this but I think it would be nice when you're there for the first time and it's you're new especially starting out live and I've always been honest with people that that was the most intense environment I've ever been in all the different comedy work I've done, it just felt like huge stakes, very competitive, you're deprived of sleep, you really feel like you've got to make it or your career is done.

[735] I mean, it all felt very do or die when I was at S &L.

[736] And I think I've talked to a lot of people and I'm still friends with a lot of S &L people who say, yep, that's how they felt too.

[737] I think it would be nice to go back because you're in a different place now and you can just appreciate oh, they want me to play Amy Klobuchar, yeah, I'll come back and my whole life doesn't depend on it.

[738] Do you know what I mean?

[739] Right.

[740] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[741] It's not like, oh my gosh, you know, everything could come crashing down tonight or whatever.

[742] I mean, because you're just there for the fun part.

[743] You really, you really.

[744] What I mean is like, well, you know, the pressure for me was trying to write and create stuff.

[745] And then like the performing part, part was always really fun, at least in how I remember it.

[746] So when you go back to do something, you're not worried about, is my sketch going to do well or not in front of the audience?

[747] You're just there to perform.

[748] So all that's gone and you're just there for the fun.

[749] Yeah, and the cocaine, the cocaine.

[750] I'm glad we got back to the cocaine.

[751] They applied me with cocaine to do club shark.

[752] That's the only reason any of us go back.

[753] So I know you worked with Anna Gastire on this Christmas movie.

[754] Yes.

[755] Tell me about that.

[756] Okay.

[757] So we wrote a movie together.

[758] It's a parody of one of those Hallmark Christmas movies.

[759] And it's called a cluster funk Christmas.

[760] And it's coming out December 4th on Comedy Central.

[761] And we actually wrote it last year.

[762] And then, of course, the pandemic happened.

[763] So then we shot it this summer.

[764] But the cool thing was we hooked in with this guy, Michael Murray, who's written a whole bunch of these real Hallmark movies.

[765] Oh, great.

[766] So you can get that authentic feel.

[767] Yeah, like he totally helped us with, you know, okay, in act three, this has to happen, and then this has to happen.

[768] Like, he gave us sort of this.

[769] He was like our Yoda guru, whatever you want to call it, and helped us with the structure.

[770] And then we went off and wrote this one.

[771] Because a Hallmark Christmas movie is a very specific format, very specific.

[772] It is.

[773] Yes.

[774] They almost kiss here, but they don't touch here and they go on a date here, like that kind of thing.

[775] They have a fight here.

[776] Yeah, exactly.

[777] They're perfect for each other, but they keep.

[778] Yeah, exactly.

[779] They keep finding ways.

[780] Emergency happens here.

[781] Right.

[782] She leaves town and comes back, da -da -da -da -da.

[783] So anyway, yeah.

[784] Oh, and then Ana and I play, we play these spinster aunts who own the inn that we're the cluster funk sisters.

[785] And we own the cluster funk inn.

[786] And this, you know, bitchy executive from the city comes to buy up the end.

[787] But finds the spirit of Christmas.

[788] Yes.

[789] Sorry if I ruined the movie.

[790] But anyway, that's what that is.

[791] I would just love it if she didn't find the spirit of Christmas.

[792] If she's still bitchy at the end, it's just like, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm not Christian.

[793] This is really not what I'm into.

[794] I think Christ was a philosopher, but, you know, not the son of God.

[795] And I got to go.

[796] Right.

[797] They never run that way.

[798] Luckily, that doesn't happen.

[799] They don't, you know.

[800] Was it fun to make?

[801] Oh, yeah, it was super fun.

[802] It was we shot up in Vancouver.

[803] And where everything is shot.

[804] Well, also, that's where all these Christmas movies are shot.

[805] So that's kind of why we went there.

[806] And they put fake snow on the ground?

[807] Fakes snow, lots of fake snow.

[808] Some places where there's no fake snow.

[809] But, you know, like accidental Canadian flags and shots and stuff like that.

[810] Lots of a moose in the background eating a big stack of pancakes.

[811] Yeah, a shout out to the fact that it's supposed to be New York but is actually in Canada.

[812] We tried to do all that stuff.

[813] I think 98 % of what all of us see on television now was shot in Vancouver.

[814] I think, you know, they'll be doing a thing about how there's the Great Wall of China.

[815] It'll be a movie about the Great Wall of China being built, and it's shot in Vancouver.

[816] Exactly.

[817] It just doesn't matter.

[818] Yes.

[819] We did have to quarantine for two weeks and not leave our hotel room, too.

[820] I don't know if you had to do any serious quarantining lately, but...

[821] No, I don't.

[822] My work, fortunately, when I'm...

[823] When I was doing the show, we were doing it on Zoom.

[824] And the podcast, the only person I can really infect right now is Sona.

[825] Oh.

[826] And, you know, we've insured for that.

[827] And we have another Sona lined up.

[828] Should anything happen to this?

[829] Oh, I didn't know that.

[830] Yeah, we found her.

[831] Oh, cool.

[832] She looks a lot like you.

[833] Okay.

[834] Her name's Rona.

[835] Rona Ravsessian.

[836] That's so similar to my name.

[837] Yeah, very similar.

[838] And your parents really love her.

[839] I think she's fantastic.

[840] She's got my parents?

[841] Yeah.

[842] Well, that was part of it.

[843] We had to train her how to be like you.

[844] And immediately they were like, she's so much better than the real sona.

[845] Wow.

[846] Yeah.

[847] That accent.

[848] That's how they talk.

[849] Trust me. I've done that.

[850] Is your son, you said he's 11?

[851] Yeah.

[852] Is he familiar like with your SNL stuff?

[853] Does he know it?

[854] He must.

[855] Not really.

[856] No, I haven't, like I know Amy Polar.

[857] I don't want to name you.

[858] Amy Poehler makes her children watch her sketches.

[859] Very good friend of mine.

[860] I know like she's shown her kids a bunch of sketches and stuff.

[861] And I don't know why.

[862] I just haven't really thought to do that.

[863] One time, like a couple years ago, I showed him the Debbie Downer, like the one at Disney World.

[864] And he kind of like checked out halfway through.

[865] So I didn't really.

[866] I should try again now that he's older than.

[867] And he can appreciate it.

[868] That's a nice thing when you're showing.

[869] Your child.

[870] He was probably too young to be truly...

[871] That was when he was, you know, into Muppets and stuff.

[872] But no, I haven't really...

[873] I haven't shown him that movie.

[874] But he takes a little improv class and that kind of thing.

[875] He's definitely into comedy.

[876] I'll sometimes see something pop up from SNL.

[877] That's something that I wrote.

[878] They'll, like, back when they showed reruns all the time of old S &Ls from the 90s.

[879] And I would watch and I would see a sketch and I go, oh, right, I wrote this, but I don't remember what it was.

[880] And I would start watching it.

[881] And then sometimes it'd be like halfway through and I'd go, this isn't good.

[882] Because I could see it with fresh eyes, you know.

[883] I remember people high -fiving me backstage as we were watching it.

[884] Conan, it's on and it's getting laughs.

[885] And me, so my memory is that all the sketches were amazing.

[886] But then enough time went by for me to be able to look at it and go and see it the way people saw it at home.

[887] home while it was airing and and they're like I could have written better than that I know but also maybe it was really funny in the 90s maybe it was a function of the time there was so much that was funny in the 90s crippling debt was funny in the 90s um lapels were funny in the 90s shoulder pads uh yeah there was a lot that was funny so was your first job the simpsons no no no no no i started out on a show called Not Necessarily the News, which was a comedy show that was on, this was, it was on HBO back when if you wanted to watch HBO, you had to check into a motel.

[888] Yeah.

[889] And you had to have an illicit affair.

[890] Anyone who was watching HBO was cheating on their spouse.

[891] And then did that, then went to Sarnet Live.

[892] Okay.

[893] And did that for a couple years.

[894] Then went to The Simpsons.

[895] Oh, okay, I flipped the Simpsons in my mind.

[896] Okay.

[897] Yeah, what would you do that for?

[898] I don't know.

[899] Didn't you get my list of accomplishments?

[900] I did.

[901] I sent it to you, I emailed it to you.

[902] Everyone's supposed to know the order that I did things in.

[903] The order of your successes.

[904] Shoot, I'm sorry.

[905] I don't include Wilson's House of Swaydon Leather where I worked for a while when I came out to L .A. Did you ever have any crazy, not crazy, but just embarrassing odd jobs?

[906] Well, two things.

[907] One is, well, I did work in a, like a psychiatric hospital when I was thinking of still doing that when I moved to Chicago.

[908] That must be very intense to be in a psychiatric hospital.

[909] It was, but see, I was, you know, I was, like, in charge of, like, activities.

[910] I mean, not, not for the whole hospital, but, I mean, I was just running little activity groups with people.

[911] So, I was probably unqualified, but, um, just doing, like, crafts and stuff like that.

[912] So, so, and then.

[913] Did you ever feel endangered in any way?

[914] Did anyone ever, uh, I, no, I didn't.

[915] I mean, I'd say, it was like a long, it was like a, well, I don't even remember.

[916] Anyways, no, I didn't feel in danger.

[917] Sorry, keep it light, dratch.

[918] No, I really, I didn't really, I didn't feel in danger.

[919] I just don't want to be too boring about it.

[920] Well, just say that you were attacked several times with a blade, but you fended it off.

[921] You don't have to tell the truth, just as long as it's entertaining.

[922] Now it's exciting.

[923] Now it's comedy.

[924] Yeah.

[925] There you go.

[926] Now that's a sketch.

[927] The guy on lithium attacked me with an Xacto knife.

[928] Now that's a sketch.

[929] One other job I had an odd job that was only a couple days Was they were opening like a you know Warner brother whatever it is Looney Tunes something like that Like a store in the mall outside Chicago And I dressed up as a Tweety Bird You were a Tweety Bird As a promotional you know To bring people into the store And did it work?

[930] Do you think you entice people to go in?

[931] Well I'll tell you the first day I did it for two days The first day I was Sylvester That was way too hot It was way too hot in the semester Next day Putty cat with a list Next day I graduated to Tweetybird Which is a large Fiberglass A large fiberglass That like takes up your whole body right But then like teenagers would come by And like whack the back of the bird You know I mean I didn't fall over anything But I was just standing there Like a few times I was like jarred by the sound of a teenager hitting the fiberglass What kind of person knows that a human being is inside a Twittieburg costume and goes by and thwax it?

[932] How dehumanizing?

[933] What does that say about humanity?

[934] I know.

[935] That was like a weirder job that I had.

[936] And then I tried, I wasn't a good waitress, so I mainly just tempt and answered phones.

[937] You weren't a good waitress?

[938] I couldn't stack the plates on my arm.

[939] You know what?

[940] People do that.

[941] Yeah.

[942] You know who was a waitress?

[943] and who waited on me. Who?

[944] She told me years later, but in the Chesson Hill Mall, you know, on Route 9, there was a ye -oldy kind of restaurant where you'd go, and people serving you had to wear that little bonnety thing on their head.

[945] Oh, yes, I know what you're on.

[946] Then people wore in like the 17 and 1600s.

[947] It wasn't called pewter pot, was it.

[948] Yes, it was pewter pot.

[949] Oh, my God.

[950] And it was a yee -oldy restaurant.

[951] We had a pewter pot in Lexington Center when I was growing up.

[952] Well, guess what?

[953] That's why I thought of that.

[954] I heard this later on when she was doing, when she was performing on my show playing Andy Richter's sister in this recurring sketch we did.

[955] Amy Poehler said, oh, you know, I waited on you once at Chestnut Hill Mall.

[956] And I said, really?

[957] And she said, yeah, I was a waitress at the pewter pot.

[958] Oh, my gosh.

[959] So I think she had to come up to me and say like, prithee, sir.

[960] You know, have ye some cocoa.

[961] Oh, my.

[962] Okay, so Polar and I actually did work at the same restaurant.

[963] We've told this a million times, but we worked at the same ice cream restaurant in Lexington at different times.

[964] And we had to wear, speaking of time, you know, time connected headgear.

[965] We had to wear like 1920s, like styrofoam barbershop quartet.

[966] No. You had to wear that one of like a fudruckers kind of outfit?

[967] Yes, it was called Chadwick's.

[968] And it was like 1920.

[969] They played like, you know, play your piano music.

[970] And then you'd walk in.

[971] We had like flouncy.

[972] blouses and barbershop quartet hats.

[973] And we worked at the same, but not at the same time, but we both worked there.

[974] I always find it weird that people get, like, we've recreated 1915.

[975] Come on in and have some, you know, a time when racism was acceptable.

[976] Medicine was still in its infancy.

[977] Children died at 11, you know, just like, this is, what a wonderful thing to go.

[978] The roaring 20.

[979] Women can't vote.

[980] have some ice cream.

[981] Like, why is this a time we want to go back to?

[982] This automobile will probably kill you.

[983] Because of that piano music.

[984] That's why we wanted to go back.

[985] Yeah, anyway, I'd have to bust her out for the pewter pot.

[986] I didn't know that.

[987] Yeah, you got to get her for that, man. Yeah, she'll probably deny it now.

[988] She has a whole, I'm sure she has a whole PR team that's cleansing her past of the pewter pot.

[989] You know, but I'm bringing it back.

[990] Okay.

[991] Rachel, I love talking to you.

[992] And I think we should celebrate by driving together from New York to Boston again some time.

[993] We can chronicle it.

[994] We can record the whole thing on a podcast.

[995] We can put it online.

[996] We'll make hundreds of dollars.

[997] We won't stop at a Wendy's this time.

[998] We'll get a fast food place on Route 95 or whatever to subsidize the trip.

[999] And we'll stop there.

[1000] And if it's Wendy's, if Wendy's, if Wendy's, if Wendy's, Wendy's puts up the most money, we'll stop at Wendy's.

[1001] Right.

[1002] If Wendy's is up for the task, sure.

[1003] Okay.

[1004] Yeah, please, if Wendy's is up to the task.

[1005] I hear.

[1006] We've plugged Wendy's so many times here.

[1007] We should get some.

[1008] I hope I should get a gift card in the mail.

[1009] Yeah, or at the very least, I want to be the new Wendy's girl.

[1010] Okay, that's a better, that's a better, that's a better goal.

[1011] All right, I'm looking forward to a cluster funk Christmas.

[1012] This sounds really funny.

[1013] You and Anna Gasti are doing your take on a, Hallmark movie, which sounds really funny.

[1014] I would check that out.

[1015] Yeah.

[1016] Yes, please do.

[1017] I hope so.

[1018] I mean, I hope.

[1019] I hope people like it.

[1020] So many things aren't as good as you hope they are.

[1021] What, what.

[1022] Rachel, really fun talking to you.

[1023] Thank you for joining us.

[1024] Thank you so much for having me. Okay, let's take a listen to you.

[1025] one of our voicemails from one of our listeners, Brett, let's listen.

[1026] Hi, Conan.

[1027] My name is Marie.

[1028] I'm calling from Saskatchewan, Canada.

[1029] My question for you, kind of a two -part question because there's, I saw there was, or heard there was no rules about that, but I haven't listened to all your podcasts, so I'm not sure maybe if you've talked on the subject before.

[1030] But I was wondering your favorite type of, you know, I was wondering your favorite type of genre for music as well my true question is if you were an instrument what would you choose to be bearing in line extremities that the other the person playing you would be using whether or not it's fingers chose their mouth um yeah anyways i uh really interested in knowing if you were to choose to be an instrument, what that might be.

[1031] Enjoy your day.

[1032] I love it when someone leaves what's clearly a very erotic and suggested message and then says enjoy your day.

[1033] You know?

[1034] That's my favorite part.

[1035] Yeah, yeah.

[1036] If you could be ice cream and someone was licking you, what would it feel like in which part of your body would be the ice cream?

[1037] Well, anyway, enjoy.

[1038] your day.

[1039] If you need me, you can reach me an extension.

[1040] Three, two, five, four.

[1041] Oh, man. Wow.

[1042] Marie, this is quite the message.

[1043] Well, first of all, I'll start with the genre of music.

[1044] I would say the genre of music that just grabbed me by my nether region and electrifies me has always been hardcore rockabilly music.

[1045] You know that about me. I do.

[1046] I used to, in college, I discovered the, Elvis Sun Session recordings, you know, when he's just getting started out and he's recording That's All Right Mama and Blue Moon in Kentucky and these different Baby Let's Play House and then that dead spilled over into all this other rockabilly music that I loved and it got me interested in combing my hair up so that it looked insane and I grew out my sideburns and I learned to play the electric guitar and I love that kind of yodally singing.

[1047] Yeah.

[1048] You're good at it, too.

[1049] Well, thank you.

[1050] I think I have the feeling.

[1051] I don't know why, but I almost become some Tennessee, you know, rockabilly cat sometimes.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] And I really love that stuff.

[1054] So that's my jam instrument.

[1055] That had an obvious answer for that one.

[1056] For you or for Conan?

[1057] I felt like she was obviously suggesting the cello.

[1058] I mean, you're in someone's crotch, right?

[1059] No. No, that's...

[1060] Isn't that what she said?

[1061] If you could be an instrument, you would want to be a cello, so you could be in someone's crotch.

[1062] Well, that's where you went.

[1063] Oh.

[1064] I think she...

[1065] There's also an oral way that you can go.

[1066] There are instruments that people blow into...

[1067] A flute.

[1068] Clarinet.

[1069] Wait, excuse me. What did you say, David?

[1070] I said, like a flute.

[1071] What's wrong with you, you're sick...

[1072] What is wrong with you?

[1073] That's gross, David.

[1074] We don't need to get into that.

[1075] David.

[1076] What?

[1077] So...

[1078] You started it.

[1079] I did not.

[1080] Yeah, you did.

[1081] I did.

[1082] did.

[1083] I just, yeah.

[1084] Everybody was thinking it.

[1085] No, the flute is on the side.

[1086] You're blowing on the side and you're making these date.

[1087] That's not, I want to desex this as much as I can.

[1088] Why?

[1089] That's the best part of this question.

[1090] Well, this is what she wanted out of this.

[1091] So you're thinking it would be fun to be the cello because you're down in someone's crook.

[1092] Yes.

[1093] Oh my God.

[1094] You're the mother of two.

[1095] You're the mother of twins, Sona.

[1096] You've got to clean up your act now.

[1097] I, you can still be a and be someone's mom.

[1098] No one's ever said that before.

[1099] That's one of those sentences I've never heard before.

[1100] No, but what are you thinking?

[1101] Like a, like a, like a, like a sex?

[1102] Well, help me out here, David.

[1103] There's another way to go, which I think she was sort of suggest, am I wrong?

[1104] Was she not suggesting something sexual when she said, remember, toes, parts of your body, your extremities, extremities, you think, a woodwind instrument, something where mouth is on tube, there's some blowing.

[1105] That's what she's implying.

[1106] Am I crazy to think that?

[1107] No, that's what she was implying.

[1108] Right, which is why my answer is a 1971 Moog synthesizer.

[1109] Wow.

[1110] Yeah, yeah.

[1111] That's the answer that she doesn't expect that is not sexy.

[1112] This is one of those times where if Goreley was here, he'd be like, oh, good answer.

[1113] Yeah, if we're here and not out having his fez blocked at the local need.

[1114] hipsteratorium, he would say like, oh yeah, that right, the 1972 Mug synthesizer, that was the one, the Who, used on Baba O 'Reilly, you know.

[1115] Oh, okay.

[1116] How is that a sexy instrument?

[1117] Bound, bong, bong, bong, you know.

[1118] But isn't that?

[1119] Remember that cool sound from, another one is, won't get fooled again.

[1120] Oh, that's what...

[1121] Oh, apologies to everyone.

[1122] I don't know what happened there, but that was the beginning of Won't Get Fooled Again.

[1123] And I know the Mug.

[1124] synthesizer parts by heart.

[1125] Anyway, shout out to the Who.

[1126] I hope you guys are well.

[1127] That's what I'm going.

[1128] They're listening right now.

[1129] I think you, and I'm quite certain that Townsend is listening.

[1130] And he's a big fan, and so is adultery.

[1131] I don't know about that.

[1132] Well, that's my son impression.

[1133] This is my son impression.

[1134] This is my son impression.

[1135] She's my son impression.

[1136] It's my impression.

[1137] Please pay attention to me. I had too many siblings And nobody paid attention I'm Sona Neither of these sound like each other Sona and I had twins And my husband knows karate I'm Conan I can't be more Irish Literally I can't even try to be more Irish That's actually a very good impression You nailed me there Yes Marie I gave you your answer Is rockabilly music and I want to be a 1972 Moog synthesizer That plays the introduction to Won't Get Fooled Again.

[1138] And no, there's nothing sexy there.

[1139] So I win that one.

[1140] I just mentioned in my impression that your husband does karate, I swore to you when you had twins, twins, that your husband's karate lessons would come to an end because no new dad with twins has the time to take karate.

[1141] The other day I call you and you're like, yeah, tax's not here right now.

[1142] He's at karate.

[1143] Yeah.

[1144] How can he still be taking karate?

[1145] Well, okay, first of all, your life doesn't end.

[1146] It does.

[1147] My wife, we had two kids.

[1148] We had one at a time, and everything stopped.

[1149] Everything.

[1150] You went to work like the next day.

[1151] Yeah, but I didn't get to take karate.

[1152] Well, no. It was my dream to take karate, and I couldn't.

[1153] You can't do karate.

[1154] Why?

[1155] I don't know.

[1156] You don't have it in you.

[1157] Do you?

[1158] Can you do karate?

[1159] Do you think you can do martial arts for real?

[1160] No. But why?

[1161] I want to hear why you think you can't.

[1162] I think I'm just of, a tall, foolish fellow.

[1163] That's, I was going to say, I don't think you can do it because I think you'd do bits too much.

[1164] And then your karate coach would do a bit about breaking the boards rather than break the board and then my hand would smash.

[1165] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1166] You would, it would be insufferable.

[1167] They would, like, tell you to leave.

[1168] They would kick me out of that dojo.

[1169] Yeah, no, but TAC has a very supportive wife and he's very lucky, I guess.

[1170] I don't know.

[1171] Oh, wow, I'd like to see the supportive sona someday.

[1172] Oh, I guess I miss the boat.

[1173] All right, wow.

[1174] Wow.

[1175] Long time.

[1176] Worked for you for a long time.

[1177] All right.

[1178] Marie, sorry to drag you into our family argument.

[1179] Hours.

[1180] Yes.

[1181] Rockabilly music, Moog synthesizer.

[1182] My unrealized passion, karate.

[1183] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1184] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1185] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1186] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1187] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1188] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1189] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1190] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1191] Engineering by Will Bechtin.

[1192] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1193] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1194] Got a question for Conan?

[1195] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1196] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1197] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1198] This episode was produced and edited by me, Brett Morris.

[1199] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.