#259 - Mike Birbiglia

[0] Hey, everybody, it's Joe Rogan, and this is my podcast.

[1] And this is the new way I'm going to do my commercial now.

[2] Because I can't keep saying it the same fucking way.

[3] But it turns out of regular way halfway through it.

[4] Somewhere along the line, I give up.

[5] I always give up.

[6] Our podcast is sponsored by On It, which is essentially a vitamin, supplement, and fitness company.

[7] It's a company that I am a part of.

[8] I own a part of the company.

[9] The reason being that I got involved in it, and I believe in the, the ethics of the company and I believe what they're selling.

[10] We sell the best quality nutrients.

[11] Some of them are neutropics.

[12] Some of them are sports exercise ones like Shroom Tech Sport.

[13] AlphaBrain is the famous neutropic one.

[14] We also sell hemp protein powder with macca and raw cocoa.

[15] It's fucking fantastic stuff.

[16] Kettlebells and battle ropes.

[17] It's all essentially fitness and like lifestyle and health supplements.

[18] And it's all stuff that I believe.

[19] leave in.

[20] It's all stuff that I've always been taking long before I ever got involved in this company.

[21] So if you're interested in it, if you're interested in neutropics, a very controversial area.

[22] I want you to just go to Google and just Google the word neutropics, N -O -O -T -R -O -P -I -C.

[23] It's all about supplementation to enhance your brain's ability to produce neurotransmitters.

[24] It's all very complicated stuff.

[25] That's what I need.

[26] A retard like me should not be really talking.

[27] about it because I don't really know what I'm saying.

[28] You know what I'm saying?

[29] I'm just like repeating scientific shit that I've read.

[30] But I believe that if you believe in it, I actually would take that to heart because you actually don't really, I mean, I don't know your finances, but you don't seem like you need a lot of money.

[31] You were on a network, you were hosted a network TV show for a lot of years.

[32] You were a star of talk radio, news radio and everything.

[33] Well, I'm also an idiot.

[34] I could have spent that money.

[35] I could have burned right through that shit.

[36] Yeah, yeah.

[37] He's got gold boodos.

[38] Yeah, I would never get involved with anything that I don't believe in.

[39] I just wouldn't.

[40] I don't have another life to live.

[41] I've got one.

[42] And while I'm already ahead, I'm not worried about paying my bills and everything's going well.

[43] The last thing I would ever do is get involved in anything that I didn't really.

[44] That's not true, though, because I did do Fear Factor again for another term.

[45] But you got to really, I really like those guys that I worked with.

[46] And you're good at it, too, by the way.

[47] And I would be sick if I saw somebody else doing it.

[48] I really would have.

[49] Even though that show was retarded, that was my baby.

[50] I did 148 of those fucking things.

[51] But there's no way I would be involved in a company unless I believed in it.

[52] And everything that we sell it on it is all stuff that I use in my daily life that I've talked about long before I got involved in this company, especially kettlebells, which I feel are the best, as far as like strength and conditioning.

[53] If I had to pick one exercise, I think kettlebells is like the best piece of exercise equipment that you can have.

[54] It's like a cannonball that's got a handle on it.

[55] And it's all about controlling this fucking cannonball.

[56] And they come in a bunch of different sizes.

[57] I use sometimes as light as 35 pounds, sometimes 50 pounds, sometimes 70 pounds.

[58] And they give you amazing workouts that directly apply to jujitsu for me. But for any athletic endeavor where you would have relies on explosiveness and muscle power.

[59] And it's all exercises that make your body move as one complete unit.

[60] as opposed to like isolation exercises what's a lot of people do at the gym when you see them lifting weights this is something where your entire body like there's things called Turkish get -ups where you hold this weight up you're lying on your back and then you slowly and controlledly stand all the way up to your feet and then bring it all the way back down it's a really odd thing you would think but it's really applicable for like strength in fitness in real world athletic pursuits and even just for picking shit up and even if just for having a strong body It's better to have a strong body than a weak -ass bitch body.

[61] There, I said it.

[62] All right.

[63] Unless you date, like, girls that are, like, bisexual, they tend to like the bitch body look.

[64] Do they really like that?

[65] Do girls are bisexual, they're like, like, like, a gut guy that's not guy -like?

[66] Right.

[67] That's too much of a gamble, though.

[68] That's my secret.

[69] Yeah, she's going to gamble for a niche market.

[70] I'd say you could probably get them anyway if you bulked up.

[71] Yeah.

[72] I don't know.

[73] Anyway, of supplements.

[74] Go to ona .com.

[75] Use the code name Brogan, and you will save 10 % off any and all the supplements.

[76] The kettlebells and the battle ropes that shit does not work on.

[77] We sell them as cheap as we can, and they're, you know, especially with the kettlebells, it's very difficult.

[78] It's like you're sending cannonballs through the mail.

[79] But there is durable as fuck, and they'll be here forever.

[80] All right, that's it.

[81] Mike Berbigula is here.

[82] Burbiglia, excuse me. Mike Berbiglia.

[83] The Joe is in the fucking house.

[84] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night all day.

[85] Sorry, this commercials are brutal.

[86] It's interesting to me, though.

[87] It's like something that I've not, I've never investigated.

[88] I've always just kept at arms distance that kind of the nutrients and the vitamins and things like that.

[89] I've just, ah, I don't understand it.

[90] I'm not going to go near it.

[91] But you, and I've listened and watched this podcast, you seem to know a good bit about it.

[92] Well, I know from my personal experience, it makes a big difference for me what I eat.

[93] If I really concentrated on, like, the most important thing, I think, is nutrients from food.

[94] That's the most important thing.

[95] You've got to eat healthy food.

[96] And then supplementation on top of that.

[97] But you have to have the actual nutrients.

[98] So what do you eat for lunch today?

[99] This morning I had a hemp protein shake.

[100] I only ate once.

[101] I just had a hemp protein shake with a banana, coconut oil.

[102] I had two cigarettes and Starbucks.

[103] And coconut water.

[104] Yeah, no, I don't eat heavy in the mornings.

[105] I eat really light in the morning.

[106] I usually just have a shake or have a kale shake.

[107] That's my most common thing that I have.

[108] I'm just, if I'm lazy or if I'm running out the door, I don't have time to make it.

[109] But it takes a few minutes to make.

[110] I have to clean the kale and clean celery and clean cucumbers.

[111] And then I take chunks of ginger and raw garlic.

[112] And there's a thing called a, what is the name of the blender?

[113] It's this badass blender.

[114] But it's specifically designed for this purpose.

[115] It's got like a plunger and you shove everything in there.

[116] Vitamix.

[117] Is that it?

[118] Vitamix.

[119] That is it.

[120] Thank you.

[121] And it fucking whips it down to like a drinkable consistency.

[122] Yeah.

[123] Put like pineapple in it to make it taste good.

[124] And it's fucking great, man. It doesn't taste that good, but for your body, it's great.

[125] You know, it gives you just like this charge of like good stuff.

[126] It's like your body knows it's got all these nutrients to work with.

[127] But isn't there an inherent contradiction with, because I know that you're, you know, you do the, Ultimate Fighting stuff.

[128] Is that what it is?

[129] Is that what it's called Ultimate Fighting?

[130] Yeah, it's called Ultimate Fighting Championship.

[131] But that seems to be people, murdering people.

[132] Like other people slamming on you and making it so that your health is no longer a possibility.

[133] You can look at it that way.

[134] And that is certainly part of it.

[135] But what it also is competition in the highest and most dramatic form that a human being can see other than war.

[136] Right.

[137] The way the Olympics is.

[138] I mean, it's not that healthiest thing to be an Olympic gymnast.

[139] Yeah, maybe, but this is even worse, because this is another person dominating you.

[140] Yeah.

[141] You know, the idea of losing in gymnastics is, you know, I'm sure a cruel bitch after years and years of practice and you slip when you land.

[142] Yeah.

[143] But it's nothing like getting your ass kicked.

[144] Yeah.

[145] There's nothing like getting just the fuck beat out of you in front of the world.

[146] Yeah.

[147] And there's the emotions that are involved in the of control.

[148] The place to look is to look at the event.

[149] very, very best guys.

[150] Yeah.

[151] If you look at the very, like the guys like Anderson Silva, you know, he's this insanely good fighter, insanely good, but such a nice guy, like a sweetheart of a guy, always laughing and always joking.

[152] He's just controlled all of his demons and all of his bullshit with like the most intense form of competition physically available.

[153] So there's a lot going on that people don't see.

[154] They see people just kicking people's asses.

[155] it's not just that there's a whole side to like the door we are I'm not even kidding I swear to me when I say I'm from shoes where people say I'm from you're from where Spags is I think there was a gig there I think that's why I'm remembering it I think it was one of those Boston comedy gigs did you ever work for Boston comedy oh yeah yeah yeah they send me out of those there was an Acoo Acoo in Western yeah I grew up driving by the Aku Acoo where it would say comedy night and yeah was that a next comment Comedy Stop?

[156] Yeah.

[157] Is it still in Nick's Comedy Stop?

[158] I don't know, actually.

[159] And then there's Giggles out there in Saugas.

[160] That's Mike Clark's.

[161] I never did that.

[162] I like Mike Clark.

[163] It's a place.

[164] Really?

[165] Oh, yeah.

[166] Pizza's great.

[167] It's right next door.

[168] Massachusetts pizza is very underrated.

[169] Very underrated.

[170] It's Greek pizza.

[171] It's good.

[172] Giggles was a great gig.

[173] Mike Clark is Lenny Clark's brother.

[174] Yeah, I know.

[175] And fucking great guy.

[176] Nice guy, yeah.

[177] Oh, he's the best.

[178] But we had, in my town, Shrewsbury, very small town.

[179] We had, I had four pizzerias.

[180] than a half mile.

[181] Shrewsbury Pizzeria, Village, Pizzeria, Dean Park, and White City.

[182] I thought that Massachusetts Pisa was really good until I moved back to New York.

[183] And then I had to realize there's a few places like in Yonkers.

[184] Yeah.

[185] There's a place in white plains called Nicky's, Nicky's Pizzeria.

[186] They have a white pizza that it's so fucking good.

[187] I got to try that.

[188] It's like, how come they can't make this anywhere else?

[189] Like, why is this not in California?

[190] There's a, we have a, in our, in my movie sleepwalk with me, the, there's a pizza, pillow.

[191] There's a pillow made of pizza as a prop and it was done by Roberta's which is in Brooklyn and is fantastic.

[192] Check out Roberta's if you can.

[193] Yeah there's some like legit old school New York pizzerias.

[194] It just can't be fucked with.

[195] They're artisans.

[196] Arturo's on Houston's like that.

[197] Oh yeah?

[198] There's a lot of them yeah.

[199] There's a lot of them.

[200] John's is like that.

[201] I just remember a place in Yonkers.

[202] I don't even remember the name of it but my friend used to know like the it was like his his buddy's dad ran it for you know 100 years and uh it just was ridiculously good thin crust pizza was like yeah this is just some weird place like you look on the outside this is right if everybody knew about this it'd be a fucking mile long line i mean you go to that pink's hot dogs isn't it the craziest thing you've ever seen yeah because they cook the hot dogs at night or outside rather it's just this giant line of people who are basically waiting to get them very mediocre hot dog.

[203] But this pizza is just...

[204] I love that phrase.

[205] If everybody knew about this.

[206] That's like the thing that they say in advertising rooms.

[207] Like if we could just get everyone to know about this.

[208] There's some shit like that that just sneaks through.

[209] Like we all know comics like that that have just snuck through.

[210] Oh yeah.

[211] If everybody knew...

[212] Do you know Brian Holtzman?

[213] No. Brian Holtzman, for sure.

[214] No doubt.

[215] Brian Holtzman has made me laugh.

[216] saying inappropriate, ridiculously inappropriate shit than anyone.

[217] Well, that's how I feel, I mean, Brody.

[218] I'm talking about someone.

[219] Brody's starting to get a little famous, though.

[220] A lot of people know Brody now.

[221] I'm talking about someone pretty famous, but I feel like Stanhope is like that to the extent.

[222] It's like, yeah, he's very famous.

[223] He has a big following.

[224] But like if people saw live his 90 minutes he puts on, people would be like, oh, that's the best comedian alive.

[225] he's doing what I love to watch as a comedian as a comedian he's like and he and I had a conversation about it too it's like one of the things as you get older you really appreciate guys that are still doing real fucking comedy they're still saying what they really think yeah so because somewhere along the line I mean we're not we're not naming names Norton's another one of those by the way he's the one who told me to come here oh really we're at the comedy salon we were talking about podcasts and he goes have you ever listen to rogan's podcast and i go no he goes it's incredible you got to go on it's incredible and so then i started listening to it and then i just dropped you a note oh that's awesome i love norton norton and i went to see dice in Vegas we went and sat in the audience norton and i and bobby kelly and brian and uh anthony kumia and sam roberts we all went there drove a big fucking limo together we all had dinner it was like a gentleman's night it was fun we ate at a steakhouse and then we all went to a show that's fun yeah well yeah i did that with my i did that with my Yeah, I did that.

[226] I'm going to counter that with a much dorkier version of that, which is my wife and I, my wife and I, Ira Glass, who co -wrote my film, and his wife, the four of us went to see Stanhope at Carolines.

[227] Oh, that's cool.

[228] Because Ira had never seen Stanhope, and I was like, you've got to see this guy.

[229] There's nothing like him.

[230] Yeah, I love Doug.

[231] And then, of course, Doug, when he finds out Ira's there, makes fun of Ira, makes fun of public radio for like 15 minutes and uh and ira's like how you know how did this become about me i just want to go see a show listen man if you're on national public radio it becomes about you if you're in your room yeah if you're in the room it's just that that is a silly topic they're not allowed to have any emotions everything has to be talking about it like this completely unreasonable but ira's show's incredible it's very different is it different this american life have you ever listened to it no never Oh, you'd love it.

[232] Really?

[233] This American Life is incredible.

[234] It is, I, it's funny, I've never had to sell it to anybody before because people listen to it so much, but like, it's like, I've seen it in the ratings.

[235] It's a radio, it's a weekly radio documentary.

[236] Imagine your favorite film documentary and take that to radio, and it's incredible what they do.

[237] It's like a fucking miracle.

[238] Really?

[239] It's a fucking miracle.

[240] Wow.

[241] You personally would love it.

[242] Dude, I'm on it.

[243] I'm on it.

[244] I'm on it.

[245] I'll get on it today.

[246] Onit .com.

[247] You should go on their website and look at like, they have like a list of like, these are the legendary episodes, the gateway drug.

[248] Oh, really?

[249] The gateway drug of this American life, yeah.

[250] Oh, that's a good idea.

[251] To have like the episodes that they feel best representation.

[252] You guys should have that.

[253] I should totally have that on place.

[254] Yeah.

[255] I'm lazy, dude.

[256] Where are you on that?

[257] Where are you guys on that?

[258] What's the going on on?

[259] We're not anywhere on that.

[260] Where we just put them up there.

[261] But there's a lot of websites that sort them out.

[262] We can only do so much Yeah, you can only survive And we're doing like three and four of these a week sometimes Wow Yeah, lately it's been four You know Like we do like we did We're doing three together And I did one yesterday with Brian Brian Call on just me and Brian Oh cool And then we usually do nice house Ryan's another one by the way Comedian you might not know Yes Fucking hilarious hilarious ridiculous Yeah he came over my house last night We had a little family barbecue It was fun Yeah That's nice He's just such a silly boy He's so fucking silly He's such a fun dude And Norton But I love that phrase If people knew about this Norton is a guy Even though everybody knows it from the O 'P and Anthony show There's not enough people to know how funny he has As a stand -up Yeah I saw him in Austin I was in town doing a UFC And I just You know another thing I got a chance to just sit down and watch a gig Oh yeah It's really fun to do It's fun yeah And especially if it's a guy like Norton He made me change my act a little bit Really?

[263] Yeah, because I realized I was doing two long sets I wanted to do like these really long sets Because I didn't want anybody to feel like They didn't get their money's worth I feel that way too Really long set I have that same thing But Norton did like an hour And just fucking laid it down And I was like you know what man Maybe that's a better thing Maybe so I cut my sets down from like An hour and a half plus To like an hour and ten minutes Because I feel like nobody You know Talk for more than an hour and ten minutes When I started working the door, I started out working the door at the D .C. Improv and what is that?

[264] That's his stupid clock.

[265] Yeah, he's got a fucking cat clock.

[266] No, that's not a distraction, dude.

[267] You're right.

[268] I started out working the door at the DC Improv, and it was really like comedy college because I was opening for like, you know, every week, be like, Jake Johansson, Brian Regan, you know, Mitch Headberg, Dave Attell, you know, And Pablo Francisco, that's a lesson in comedy.

[269] You watch him.

[270] He's another, if people knew about it, what a live Pablo Francisco shows.

[271] He does, back then, at least, the week I opened for him, did 45 minutes blew the doors off the room in a way that I've never seen.

[272] I've never seen anything like that.

[273] Pablo doesn't just do a comedy show.

[274] It's like a multimedia presentation.

[275] Because he can make so many crazy noises with his mouth And he has so many nutty impressions of people It's like a multimedia presentation sometimes He's somebody who If he really opened up and did some personal stuff Combined with the talent that he has With the noises and the sounds and everything I don't think he can Oh wow would that be a good show Yeah it would be a very good show That'd be something else Yeah he's a great guy too Pablo Francisco That's one of the coolest things about comedy is that a lot of people, like, assume that every comic is fucked up and that, you know, so many of them are antisocial and depressed.

[276] And I don't find that to be the case.

[277] I find it to be the case is like, there's a lot of funny guys, like Stanhope.

[278] Yeah.

[279] They're fun to be around.

[280] They're nice guys.

[281] I love what Stanhope said when there was that whole comedy school debate happening.

[282] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[283] With Kyle Sees and everything.

[284] And Stanhope says that he's going to have a free one in Bisbee where he lives.

[285] I just love that.

[286] It's just like everybody's just like everybody.

[287] just show up, just bring some drinks.

[288] Like, Stan Hope's whole thing is just like, you learn about comedy, like, offering the comedian you're opening for drinks after the show, just asking questions.

[289] That is a better way to learn.

[290] I think that's how I learned.

[291] I have a real problem with comedy classes that are taught by people who are non -comedians.

[292] I've seen that.

[293] Yeah.

[294] And I'm like, that's just craziness.

[295] Yeah.

[296] Like, that's like, that doesn't even make sense.

[297] That's like English speaking taught by people who don't speak English.

[298] Like, if you don't, if you haven't actually done stand -up, and you have to do it for years, you have to get your dick kicked into the dirt, numerous occasions, you know, I mean, don't you think that made you as a comedian, those really tough sets in the beginning, where you kind of realize what you've got to do to fix?

[299] Yeah, that's what my entire movie is about, just, it's about just failure, failure, and failure, and then finding at the end of the movie, the character has just kind of, you see one sequence of, oh, this.

[300] This guy's going to figure it out eventually.

[301] I think we all, like, start off terrible.

[302] I've never met anybody that started off good.

[303] No, I think it's, for me, like, I always tell people, all comedians, or people who want to be comedians, get a job at a comedy club.

[304] Yeah.

[305] Because, like, I worked at the DC Improv at the door, and then after I punched out from making minimum wage, I got to watch the show for free.

[306] Yeah.

[307] And that's what you need.

[308] Yes.

[309] You just need to see comedians over and over and over again and go, eventually go, okay, I can do something like that.

[310] It's a weird thing when you figure that when you start to realize that it's a craft, but that yours is, it might, it seems like it's kind of similar to other people's, but it's not.

[311] It's your weird take on shit, and you've got to find out what the fuck that is.

[312] You've got to find the silly, fix years.

[313] Find the preposterous.

[314] Yeah, it takes so long, man. You get conflicted and you don't know if you're being full of shit.

[315] Am I being, is this an affected attitude that I'm putting on?

[316] Is it obvious?

[317] Yeah, when I was starting out, I was totally putting on an athlete.

[318] Ugh, I hate that.

[319] It's so embarrassing.

[320] Well, because I, it is embarrassing.

[321] When you look back on those sets?

[322] Well, no, because I was, and everybody does, though.

[323] I mean, I even, like, Geraldo is one of my favorite comedians of all time and was a friend of mine.

[324] And, like, he even said, like, he's like, when I started out, like, my first TV sets.

[325] I sounded like Davidel.

[326] I was on TV sounding like somebody else before I figured out who I was.

[327] And then he, I mean, I think Gerald is one of the great comics.

[328] But like for me, it was just, I sounded like Stephen Wright when it started out.

[329] Yeah.

[330] Then I sounded like Mitch Hedberg.

[331] And then eventually I sounded like myself.

[332] Yeah, it's hard to avoid, man. It's hard to avoid being like really influenced by the guys that, you know, came before you that were really good.

[333] I caught myself sounding like Rich Jenny on stage once.

[334] Really?

[335] just almost exactly it was like so such an obvious rip -off like i was in the middle of the set like i did i kept going with the bit and i finished my set like the audience didn't even know but to myself i was like ew you fraud yeah yeah i was like you fucking rich jenny clone what do you i was like like a year in or something like that you know but i'll never forget like how embarrassing it was that i like if i was like if i was in the room and i saw me on stage i'd be like who who's this guy ripping off rich jenny Because you know when guys will do that You're not even ripping off material You're just ripping off being that guy Yeah People said that I had that with Stephen Wright, Mitch Headberg And then inadvertently Todd Barry People were like, you sound like Todd Barry And I was like, I'm not even watching I mean I like Todd Barry a lot He's a great comic But it wasn't like I was watching a ton of Todd Barry at that time Well I think you just have a similar tone to your voice And it's only mildly similar But people are crazy They'll find connections and fucking anything.

[336] I got off stage once in Kentucky, and some guy came out to me with a list of people.

[337] It's like, he said, you know, Pat and Oswald, this.

[338] I go, what are you talking about?

[339] He goes, you sounded like these people.

[340] And I was like, listen, man, I don't know what to tell you.

[341] Did you have a good time?

[342] Did you have fun?

[343] I don't know what to tell you.

[344] You're looking at it.

[345] What are you saying?

[346] You're saying that I'm not me and that I'm all these people?

[347] That's real.

[348] What are you saying?

[349] I like that response.

[350] There was a bunch of them, too.

[351] you have a good time?

[352] Yeah, that's all I could say to him.

[353] I'm like, listen, I hope you had a good time at the comedy show, crazy.

[354] You're not going to sit here and you're going to analyze who my influences were.

[355] Yeah.

[356] And you're angry at me for being influenced by great comedians.

[357] But I don't even think that's what it was.

[358] I think it was like, you know, people will try to find a connection in anything.

[359] Oh, yeah.

[360] You know when I listened to my recording after the guy said that to me because I was like, what the fuck is this guy?

[361] He, like, there was a couple of obscure ones in there, too.

[362] I don't remember who his references were.

[363] but it was like Richard Lewis was one of them and I was like what the fuck are you even saying and I went and listened to it and I didn't hear any of it somebody will if they're looking and then there's people that just are crazy and their perceptions are just off and they'll get a thought in their head and they don't have the ability to discern whether or not it's an objective thought whether or not it's a reasonable thought they just got that thought and they fucking run with it and with you they're like Todd Barry sounds like Todd Barry well it's funny because I the person I listen to the most was Woody Allen.

[364] But no one ever accuses me of sounding like Woody Allen because I'm like a suburban white kid grown up and he's a short Jewish man from New York City.

[365] We just don't look like either in any way, shape, or form.

[366] I think people don't make that connection.

[367] So do you feel like you were influenced delivery -wise?

[368] Yeah.

[369] Yeah.

[370] People don't realize what a great comic he was.

[371] He's incredible.

[372] That one album, that one album, which is a compilation of, I think, three records is incredible.

[373] Woody Allen's stand -up comedian, I think it's called yeah and it's so good what a weird guy huh i mean married his daughter in front of the world i mean that is intensely weird it is hard that is intense intensely intense and super hot also is she super hot no i said and it's kind of super hot also oh man i don't i don't see it i can't get behind the Yeah, it's just crazy, creepy, man. Yeah.

[374] I mean, how did they ever even develop that kind of a relationship?

[375] That doesn't make any sense to me. Yeah.

[376] That seems to me like that should never be able to happen.

[377] It shouldn't be on the table.

[378] Yeah, like what?

[379] It's not one of the options.

[380] And I wonder what the blowback was for him, for Woody Allen, this great director.

[381] You mean his career?

[382] Yeah.

[383] It was a big blowback.

[384] Yeah.

[385] There are people, because I'm such a big fan of his, there are people who I talk to to this day who go once that happened I will not see his movies again yeah I've heard there's a lot of people I've heard that from uh especially from women from women particularly yeah well they you know it's almost like you can't trust him around your kids like that's the that's the that's the feeling that they get it's like he'll he's got he's not going to he's not at the movie theater he's not at the movie theater with you yeah see the movies so you don't have to be worried yeah but there's people that just won't they won't support you after like what's the guy's name that escaped to France oh yeah Roman Polansky one of my favorite directors and it's and he was yeah he was convicted of that horrible crime yeah what did he do?

[386] He wasn't convicted because he fled right he was a weird thing he was he like drugged a teenage girl and had sex or there's something like that but then there's this whole there's this whole documentary about that case called I think it's called Wanted and and it's it shows the shades of gray in that case.

[387] That case was really complex and there was a judge who was really high and mighty and kind of like got carried away about his or her own ego and how the judge him or herself, I forget what it was, was making headlines by saying certain things in the court and then it became like a spectacular event where he might have gotten like a year in jail or something but then it got kind of blown out of proportion and it was going to be a much bigger deal.

[388] Jesus.

[389] Yeah.

[390] It's a really good movie, actually.

[391] I think it was on HBO.

[392] I think it's called Wanted.

[393] Wanted.

[394] It was like Roman Plansky Wanted or something like that.

[395] Yeah, his case is really disturbing, man. And then this is after his wife had been murdered by the Manson family.

[396] Oh, I know.

[397] So you've got to realize, like, this guy was...

[398] There's a lot going on.

[399] Yeah.

[400] I mean, what he did was horrific, for sure, though.

[401] But his, I mean, what a fucked up state of mind he had to have been in after his wife was murdered by the Manson family why she was pregnant I have to say like some weird shit happens in California fuck yeah well it yeah can we just talk about that like I feel like the Falansky stuff I'm just like when I watch it it feels so distant from my existence in New York I'm like yeah that's some California shit that I can't understand do you like living in New York I love it yeah live in the city my wife and I lived in the city for a while and then we just moved to Brooklyn recently why just moved to Brooklyn.

[402] Get some space.

[403] Yeah.

[404] You know, just like we were sick of living in this little cramped area.

[405] Oh, so you have a bigger place?

[406] Yeah.

[407] We have like, yeah, we have a few bedrooms and it's, and we're able to, and also just walk around and have some trees around.

[408] We lived on the Upper West Side in Manhattan and it was like getting to a point where our favorite like local restaurants were closing down, H &H bagels closed down, Niko's closed, like Greek restaurant closed down.

[409] Like, a lot of places were closing down to the point where, like, they closed down.

[410] This is a bad sign of, like, when times are bad, we thought it was sad when they closed down Barnes & Noble.

[411] Like, we were like, oh, that's too bad.

[412] Our local bookstore got shut down.

[413] I felt like that like Circuit City.

[414] Yeah.

[415] We lost the Circuit City, too.

[416] It's super common, man. It's, I mean, think about it in our lifetime, when has there ever been a period of time where more businesses closed down then today?

[417] I don't know.

[418] I can't remember it in my lifetime.

[419] I don't remember anything like this before.

[420] But Brooklyn, on the other hand, is, like, really burgeoning.

[421] Oh, really?

[422] Small restaurants, small bakeries, small, like, ice cream shops, like, are able to open there because the real estate isn't that expensive to rent.

[423] Commercial real estate isn't as expensive.

[424] So you're getting, like, better food, better, like, just baked goods, ice cream, grocery stores, local grocery stores with local produce.

[425] Like, it's bad.

[426] I mean, I don't want to sell.

[427] It's too hard, but I think it's better.

[428] Like, we're happier there.

[429] It seems like a little bit of a compromise, a little bit better at compromise.

[430] Like, you're in sort of a...

[431] You're in not a suburban area, but it's a little sub -city.

[432] And it's slower, to be honest with you.

[433] The people are a little slower.

[434] You're kind of like, you're at the ice cream store, and you're like, come on, come on, what are we doing?

[435] What's going on?

[436] You're just walking over there?

[437] Like, you get a little brisk step, you know, like, bring a little pep to it.

[438] Is it jazz music?

[439] I'm so used to fucking being so crazy in New York.

[440] Yeah, I know.

[441] That hive is so nuts.

[442] It's just such a, it's so, it mimics insects.

[443] It's really crazy.

[444] So when you get them all together in this big, you know, thing that they've created and they're all swarming in this giant population center, I mean, it's really not that much different than a beehive or an ant hill.

[445] It's fucking crazy.

[446] So many people there.

[447] My wife and I went, and this was even more of the case, my wife and I rented a house in western Massachusetts this summer for a month so that we could just write and relax and like do get away from like out Amherst way yeah yeah exactly north of Northampton beautiful out there gorgeous but so slow yeah oh my god everything is like you go in somewhere you order a cup of coffee you're like we're gonna be here for a little bit like even though it's the country it's really nice though we um but it was funny because my wife wife has been saying since we've been together probably about eight years got married four years ago and uh since we met she was like i think that i belong in the country i think that we should move to the country and i was always like i can't like i got to work this is where i work in the city because there's comedy clubs and and this is where my one -man shows are and uh we finally took a month after being together for eight years and went to the country and we brought our cat ivan and uh And who had never been anywhere but our apartment.

[448] Whoa.

[449] So he was shocked.

[450] And there were mice in the house.

[451] And they were, this is a really strange phenomenon.

[452] They were parasitic mice.

[453] They parasites in them, which means they're unafraid of people or cats.

[454] Oh, that means they have toxoplasma.

[455] Yeah, that's exactly what they have.

[456] And so usually if you have a cat, you don't even see mice.

[457] Yeah.

[458] Because they smell cats.

[459] cats and they don't even come out.

[460] In this case, we had mice.

[461] They were like zombies.

[462] They were walking towards us.

[463] We were like batting them away like a fucking video game.

[464] Yeah, and that's sick.

[465] And those are the dangerous ones.

[466] Those are the ones that can infect you.

[467] Is that right?

[468] Oh, yeah.

[469] They have a massive impact on human behavior.

[470] If they bite you, is that way?

[471] If it gets into your skin either through cat fecal matter, if the cat's infected, you can get it from the cat.

[472] You can get it from livestock.

[473] that it comes in contact with this shit.

[474] So Ivan ate one of the mice.

[475] Oh, no. So you've got an infected cat.

[476] So we, instead of a month there, we were there for two weeks, drove home.

[477] Whoa.

[478] After he ate the mouse.

[479] And then we took him to the vet and he got, he took, you know, whatever medicine to make, to knock that stuff out.

[480] I don't think they can stop that stuff.

[481] It's a brain parasite.

[482] I thought it is what it is.

[483] I think whatever it was, we're, we've, we've.

[484] it's checked out.

[485] I don't know.

[486] They gave him medicine and...

[487] You got a zombie cat.

[488] I know we got a zombie cat, yeah.

[489] That's not good.

[490] He's old, though.

[491] He's 16 years old.

[492] Time to go.

[493] He's in his golden years.

[494] Get him out of there before he infects the house.

[495] Sounds crazy, but toxoplasma really is something that people have to have an issue with, because it does have an effect on human behavior.

[496] It makes people more aggressive.

[497] It slows your reaction time down.

[498] And a lot of...

[499] The world has it.

[500] A huge population.

[501] Really?

[502] Yeah.

[503] Yeah.

[504] In France, It's been as high in the, I believe it was in the 1950s or 1960s, it got as high as 80%.

[505] 80 % of the country had it.

[506] And now it's down to the 50s.

[507] This is all estimations, of course.

[508] I mean, you're not like really testing the entire population.

[509] They estimate that America, it's somewhere around 50 to 60 million people are infected by in America.

[510] For anyone getting their news from Joe Rogan's podcast.

[511] Yeah, you're in trouble.

[512] By the way, because I haven't backed up any.

[513] I've done no research.

[514] I'm just telling you what I read.

[515] Yeah.

[516] But it's, the idea is that once you get it, you got it.

[517] Wow.

[518] Yeah.

[519] So it's a, it's a brain parasite.

[520] Jesus.

[521] Makes the mice sexually attracted to cat piss.

[522] What a motherfucker.

[523] Yeah.

[524] Like, what a crazy fucking disease.

[525] It's twisted.

[526] Well, we, my wife was on, sitting on the couch in the house, and there was a mouse.

[527] She looked next to her.

[528] There was a mouse just sitting there staring at her.

[529] Oh, my God.

[530] Usually you see a mouse, a mouse in it just.

[531] runs away immediately and in this case it was just staring at her and she just ran away and then i had to chase the mouse out of the house fuck that there's something really creepy about rodents man i know well have you ever heard the rat king concept no i just heard about this recently there's a apparently a book uh i have a comedian friend named john hodgeman who's a very knowledgeable man and he's written a lot of very funny and great books and he's on the daily show he's a correspondent on the daily show sometimes he's on there but anyway he was telling me there's this book and I think it's called rats it's all about the culture of rats and there's there's this phenomenon theoretically called the rat king which is that certain rats are in such an enclosed space that after a while their tails are intertwined so they're existing essentially as one large rat unit?

[532] I don't know if I can substantiate this, but people should look up Rat King.

[533] That sounds like some comic book shit, man. Look up Rat King.

[534] I need to look that up.

[535] Rat King.

[536] That doesn't seem like it, it seems like it's something you would know about.

[537] Was he just joking?

[538] He wasn't joking.

[539] Really?

[540] No, apparently there's this book called, I think, rats, and it sheds a lot of light on.

[541] Folklore.

[542] Yeah, I'm incidentally looking at myself in this, in this camera and just going, oh, man, have I put on weight on the road?

[543] It's so painful.

[544] The road's brutal.

[545] The road is brutal.

[546] It's hard to, what is this?

[547] A Rat King in the Scientific Museum.

[548] Oh, my God.

[549] So it is real, right?

[550] Oh, my God.

[551] Brian, pull this up on Wikipedia, because this is going to freak you the fuck out.

[552] We lost Brian.

[553] Oh, that son of a bitch.

[554] Yeah.

[555] Yo, Brian!

[556] How dare he The loudness with which you shouted Is so inappropriate to what you're going to tell him Yeah It's not Ryan Get over here You need to see this Wikipedia Rat King You need to see this This is incredible man This is This really is a real phenomenon I thought your friend was just fucking with you No no No we have a serious conversation about rats Whoa Oh, that seems like horrific.

[557] If you go to it with folks, if you go to folks listening to this.

[558] People probably tweet at you right now facts about the Rat King.

[559] I bet some of your listeners and viewers know about the Rat King.

[560] Hey, we need you to pull something up, man. We just say something crazy.

[561] It's called a Rat King.

[562] So Mike Brubiglia said this to me. I did not.

[563] I thought he was just fucking around.

[564] I thought his friend was just fucking around.

[565] But apparently there are clumps of rats that get connected together by the tail and they grow together while joined at the tails.

[566] So there's like a group of like, in this photo, there's a group of, it looks like 30 or 40 of them, just on top of each other connected by the tails.

[567] Rat King, just pull up Rat King on Wiki.

[568] It's the photo that connects to it.

[569] Can you imagine if you ran into that somewhere?

[570] No, no, it's the stuff of nightmares.

[571] It's what one should fear most.

[572] Rodents are fucking scary animals, man. They're so gross.

[573] Gross little fuckers.

[574] Oh.

[575] You got it, Rat King, the image of the top.

[576] Look at that, click on that.

[577] Oh, my God.

[578] Click on that.

[579] That's real.

[580] Is this live streaming, the video?

[581] Yeah.

[582] Oh, my God.

[583] Look at that thing.

[584] This is insane.

[585] Yeah.

[586] I mean, it's insane.

[587] What the fuck?

[588] All these rats intertwined together.

[589] I came here today to blow Joe Rogan's mind, and I have to have that.

[590] Oh, you blew it, man. He blew it wide open, because I thought we were having fun.

[591] I thought your friend was telling us some crazy, not once there was a tashquatch, and he lived in the woods.

[592] He could read your mind.

[593] No, really a rat king's a real thing.

[594] What's folklore mean then?

[595] Well, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean.

[596] mean that it's not true.

[597] It means that it's probably been exaggerated and tossed down from superstitions.

[598] So it's a rat, big foot.

[599] Well, I mean, there was a bunch of shit, but it's obviously a real thing.

[600] It's a real phenomenon.

[601] This is in the scientific museum in Germany.

[602] I mean, it really, it really does happen.

[603] But I think it's probably they don't, they probably just are tied up and not.

[604] They're probably not, like, growing together through the tails.

[605] I don't think their tails become one unit.

[606] I think they're just gross, and they just get tangled up.

[607] It's so gross.

[608] Ira Glass, who I mentioned earlier, you don't know his show, This American Life, but he was saying the other day that sometimes he's struck with, when we live in New York, you live here in L .A., with the degree to which we are living, like, medieval lords.

[609] like we have at our beck and call any food any type of food we want prepared any way we want within about 25 minutes yeah it's so strange giant human construct yes that doesn't resemble anything in nature yeah some nutty thing that they just just goes up to the heavens yeah pops out of the ground everything else is missing yeah you know occasionally you'll see a tree you'll see one tree defiantly looking for its friends.

[610] That's why I loved the movie Minority Report when it came out.

[611] Yeah.

[612] Because I was just like, you watch that movie now, you're like, yeah, about half of that stuff is true now.

[613] Yeah.

[614] Like it was futuristic, but it was futuristic in a way that was like, you can just about see it coming.

[615] Like you walk into the mall and they go, hello, Joe Rogan.

[616] Would you like the Nike shoes that you bought last year?

[617] Would you like another fresh pair?

[618] That certainly is going to happen, right?

[619] For sure.

[620] Yeah, they're going to be able to turn it on on your phone.

[621] phone well in the internet always or already it's on Amazon you sure on this you might like this yeah I bought a t -shirt from Cafe Press and I bought it through Amazon I went through Amazon it goes do you want to go through Amazon I'm like okay see how that works sure go through Amazon yeah I love it's amazing we live in a weird world man it's strange it's we're talking about one click shopping on Amazon but it's the it's the easiest way to buy anything and it's when you start doing it becomes so goddamn addictive yeah because it feels ridiculous.

[622] I know.

[623] It feels like you just get, you can get obscure billiard supplies.

[624] You can.

[625] Like weird shit.

[626] Like I need a Joe Porper tip -tapper.

[627] Yeah.

[628] And you can find that on Amazon.

[629] Hardest to return, though.

[630] I have so much shit that I just won't return because it's like, oh, I have to go to UPS.

[631] You got to take the hit.

[632] No, but I saw, yeah, I saw the movie Day for Night recently, a Truffaut film, which is great.

[633] Have you ever seen that?

[634] No. Day for Night.

[635] Did you get it from Amazon?

[636] No, but it's about making a film.

[637] Yeah, no, I actually did.

[638] I got it I think from Amazon, and then at the end of it, I was like, I'd like to have the poster of this.

[639] Click on it.

[640] It's on the way.

[641] Boom.

[642] It's so crazy.

[643] I get these obscure Mexican hot sauces, L .U .Keteca.

[644] I can't find them in any, like, white people grocery store.

[645] Yeah.

[646] You have to go to the Mexican hood to get L .Ukoteca.

[647] Or you just go to Amazon .com.

[648] Boom.

[649] How do you resolve incidentally?

[650] Because you're very knowledgeable about pizza.

[651] How do you fit that into the diet?

[652] Because you have such a good diet.

[653] Just got to make sure you don't eat it all the time.

[654] The most important thing is that your base, like you never want to deprive your body in nutrients, but you can have cheat days, totally.

[655] There's nothing wrong with that.

[656] I think cheap meals, cheat days, just as long as you're being reasonable, as long as like 80 % of your food is really good food and healthy, and every now and then you have a burger or something like that, you could do that.

[657] You eat with it?

[658] Yeah.

[659] Oh, yeah.

[660] Yeah, I've tried vegetarian before.

[661] I tried it when I was trying to lose weight when I was a kid when I was fighting in different weight classes and I didn't like it I felt I just felt shitty I didn't feel I didn't feel like I was very vibrant I haven't tried it again as an adult but I know I crave meat I crave it like after a good workout I want a fucking steak yeah and I feel like my my body wants red meat yeah and people say let's you know that's unevolved and lustful killing and those cows are not going to live forever if you just let them walk around.

[662] And if people aren't killing cows, something's going to kill cows.

[663] Either cars, because you're going to hit them with your cars, because they're going to be everywhere, or you're going to have mountain lines running around, taking cows out in front of you every day.

[664] That's a possibility, too.

[665] Yeah.

[666] I think it's the inhumane aspect of keeping them in crates slightly larger than their body that I think frustrates people.

[667] Yeah, I haven't had veal in a long time.

[668] Yeah.

[669] The veal was the first one.

[670] I tapped.

[671] out on i was just like i can't do that yeah that's just too creepy taking a baby and not feeding it and tying it in a knot so it can't move nope nope no thanks yeah yeah and it's so fucked up i'm just like i i got no time for that just so it's more tender really what the fuck man what's funny is i'm looking at your image you're behind of a computer but i can see you here and you can see me what's funny is if you if your body and if you have a really good physique if you ended up having my body you might go into a deep depression like you would be really upset and if i had your body my comedy career would go away because all i do is just make fun of my own body and cell but you can make fun of anything yeah you know if you can if you make fun of your own body if you're self -deprecating you can make fun of something else yeah so you actually defy i because you're great.

[672] I was listening to your albums this week.

[673] You defy the Joe Piscopo rule, which is that if you get too fit, you're no longer funny.

[674] People are silly.

[675] There's no rules to comedy.

[676] We should know that by now.

[677] I think Piscopo was the line in the sand where people are like, oh, okay, that's how it works.

[678] No, with Piscopo, the problem was he just, you know, he had a few good things that he did on Saturday Night, a few good sketches.

[679] but overall there wasn't that much there so he didn't put enough effort into it it's no different than any other comic like Michael Richards that goes from being an actor to be in a comic and just can't really pull it off there's not much difference it's a hard road and no one has to tell you that to become a stand -up comic is a long hard fucking road and there's not a lot of us who stay on it if you stop and think about like the guys that you hung out with when you were an open micer totally different yeah and look at the guys that you know now How many of them made it?

[680] Me and Fitzsimmons started out together.

[681] So, like, we literally, like, weeks apart from each other.

[682] So, like, he's, like, one of the only guys, like, from my group of open micers that made it over the salmon net.

[683] No one from my open mics is working.

[684] Yeah.

[685] Well, actually, I shouldn't say that.

[686] No one from my open mics is, I still run into anymore.

[687] Nick DePaolo was always a really funny guy, and he was always in really good shape.

[688] He was a football player.

[689] You're right.

[690] Nick is much more handsome than me with a fantastic head of hair I discovered this I went to Guantanamo Bay Cuba in a USO tour with DiPaolo and Geraldo and Colin Quinn and Gaffing in a bunch of guys and Geraldo is in great shape too and so it was DePaulo because we went on the beach we went swimming we pulled over because we couldn't get through one of the gates we're like well let's just go swimming in that beach right there and we all went swimming there's photos we still have photos of it and I'm like oh fuck it's really embarrassing for me he's got a really good shame yeah DePaolo's always been in good shape he was one of the guys when I was in open micer he was a bit more established than me he was ahead of me by at least maybe like two years yeah he was an established professional was Louis around at that time yes yeah Louis was also about two years ahead of me those guys when I first started doing open mics they were just doing professional gigs and I got to see DePaolo once on stage And I'm like, look at this handsome motherfucker, this football player -looking dude.

[691] And he was hilarious.

[692] And that was a nice thing for me to see as a young guy was involved in athletics myself.

[693] I was like, okay, so there is no rule.

[694] Yeah.

[695] Like anything can, you know.

[696] And then I remember when I first saw Kinnison, that's when I realized there was no rules.

[697] That's when I first realized like, oh, anything can be comedy.

[698] Yeah.

[699] And it's just whether or not it's funny.

[700] That's right.

[701] That's comedy, too.

[702] This is a different thing he's doing.

[703] That's right.

[704] Like when Kinnison was going, I live in hell.

[705] Oh, oh, look at this face.

[706] I was married.

[707] That fucking, he goes, remember when he, oh, he was one of my earliest influences.

[708] Yeah.

[709] When he did that bit about getting married, the devil doesn't even try to scare you.

[710] He's like, yeah, oh, you've been married?

[711] Oh, this is going to be like fucking club med for you.

[712] Come on in.

[713] This is where we torture the souls, blah, blah, blah.

[714] Yeah, that's great.

[715] You were married.

[716] will be like club med he was he was the first to me that like really cemented in my head that anything could be comedy because i always loved comedy but i was always like way too loud and aggressive and stupid to connect myself to someone like jerry seinfeld you know like i was like that would i would have to be a totally different person to be that kind of i'm not i could never do that yeah i don't think i could do that yeah but then i saw kinness and i was like oh there's no rules yeah you don't have to be Jerry Seinfeld.

[717] You just have to be whatever is funny from you, whatever comes out of you.

[718] This podcast must be great for you because you're, when you tour now, it's probably your audiences who get your sense of humor.

[719] Yeah.

[720] As opposed to like Fear Factor fans who are like, well, let's see them do the bugs in the mouth.

[721] Yeah, the Fear Factor is hard for, because I heard that bit on your album where you're like, that's just a show I hosted.

[722] I'm not, that's not me. That wasn't my idea.

[723] But it's a lot of people though.

[724] It's such a big, thing because it's on television that it has to like define you from there on that it has to be your thing but i was like why like this just it's my gig but that's what's crazy about the technology of these podcasts right now is that you can actually say no no i'm this yes i'm going to tell you what i am it's this well you you get an opportunity to express yourself in a way deeper way than would ever be possible in a million tonight show appearances yeah you'd never be able to get that across.

[725] That was always my goal starting out.

[726] Because I would do these hell gigs I drove like I'd do in the movie.

[727] It's like I drove my mom's station wagon all over the country.

[728] I bought incidentally, it's like I only find out at this age now.

[729] It's like people's parents gave them their car or like bought them a car.

[730] It was like I bought my mom's station wanger for $2 ,200.

[731] I had 100 ,000 miles on it.

[732] Like she marked it up.

[733] My mom marked up her station wagon and I drove it around the country and I would perform at these gigs, it would be like, you know, like every, just so people have a point of reference, like when I was starting out, like, whenever you're in the middle of nowhere, you're in, like, you know, Cherry Hill, Pennsylvania, Cherry Hill, New Jersey, and you drive by, like, a Best Western, and it says, Comedy Night Wednesday, that was my life.

[734] I was Comedy Night Wednesday.

[735] I did a lot of those, too.

[736] A lot of those Barry Katz gigs.

[737] Yeah, and so my goal, when I was in that stage, because I wouldn't do well, you know, the audiences wouldn't like me. They came to see something different than what I was.

[738] I wasn't also that good.

[739] So it was like, it was the combination of what I would become was like a soft -spoken kind of storyteller.

[740] And then what they wanted was like fast jokes.

[741] Lenny Clark.

[742] Yeah, they wanted Lenny Clark.

[743] Yeah, who's a great comic, but he could kill it anywhere.

[744] And so what I was like, I want people eventually to come to see my shows on purpose.

[745] And that's why I started, that's why I started keeping a mailing list.

[746] And you also got very successful with your blogs.

[747] I remember you were the first guy.

[748] We were somewhere.

[749] I can't remember what city it was, but you were in a big place.

[750] You were in like this big theater.

[751] And I go, damn, I go, Mike Berbigley is playing here?

[752] I go, how the fuck is he doing that?

[753] And then I forget who I was with.

[754] It was either Joey Diaz or Ari Sheffir.

[755] One of those guys was like, he's got this blog.

[756] It's like really, really popular.

[757] He's got this blog.

[758] And I was like, damn, man. that's a big impact like this was years ago before we ever even did the podcast yeah and i remember thinking like that's a lot of impact from you know connecting with people on the internet well part of it was like i i wrote my blog it was called my secret public journal and i still do it and uh and then the bob and tom show out of in you know out of indianapolis and they're syndicated was like just read your secret public journal on our show so i would call in every week and it was actually a very similar like cable guy cable guy used to do stuff like that on radio.

[759] Do you know that cable guy used to do, like, he used to do call -ins every week.

[760] Yeah.

[761] So, like, all over the place.

[762] Yeah.

[763] Like, he would be doing, like, 20, 25 phoneers a week.

[764] Wow.

[765] Yeah.

[766] Holy shit.

[767] He's a really hard worker.

[768] I mean, I don't know what he does now, but he back then, he was really hard work.

[769] I met him a long time ago in Montreal when he was just starting out.

[770] Nobody knew about him was like the early 90s, and he was a nice fucking guy.

[771] Nice guy.

[772] Had a great time with him.

[773] I hung out with him one night, and we partied at the Comedy Works in Montreal, got hammered together.

[774] He was a great dude, man. Yeah, I like it.

[775] We had some fun.

[776] And he's got some great potato chips.

[777] He sent us, he listens to the podcast.

[778] Are you serious?

[779] He sent over his potato chips.

[780] That's ridiculous.

[781] He's got cheeseburger potato chips.

[782] Yeah, you can taste the pickles.

[783] Of course, he has cheeseburger potato chips.

[784] It is probably the worst thing on earth for you.

[785] Yeah.

[786] Like, I don't know how the fuck they're giving you all these different flavors, but it's like a joke.

[787] I mean, like, you eat a chip and you're like, I'd taste a burger.

[788] There's the ketchup.

[789] Like, there's a pickle.

[790] What the fuck?

[791] Last night at my hotel, because I hadn't eaten dinner at that in -between stage like 6 p .m. And then it's midnight.

[792] You're going, ah, I got to eat something.

[793] So I went to the mini bar and I had Pirates Booty.

[794] And it's, I had Pirates Booty and the flavor was aged cheddar.

[795] And I was like, what the fuck is aged cheddar in this, like, manufactured chip that's from some factory somewhere?

[796] It's like, is that really aged cheddar in there?

[797] What chemical creates the taste of aged cheddar?

[798] It's like strawberry gum.

[799] It doesn't taste anything like strawberries.

[800] It's just what we agree to strawberry gum.

[801] Like grape gum.

[802] Grape gum doesn't taste like fucking grapes.

[803] The last thing that should taste like is grape.

[804] It tastes like grape gum.

[805] Right, you know, and it's not purple.

[806] Right, like grape soda.

[807] Doesn't taste anything like grapes.

[808] We get it in our head that that's the grape flavor.

[809] Yeah.

[810] I mean, does grape soda even have grapes in it?

[811] No. No, right?

[812] It's just some fucking sugar water.

[813] But we, you know, there's a fake grape taste that we accept.

[814] And it's like the gum taste, that grape gum taste.

[815] That grape gum taste.

[816] It's fake.

[817] It's a fake grape.

[818] We just go, yeah, yeah, it's grape.

[819] That doesn't eat anything like grape.

[820] Like, what are you talking about?

[821] You know, that's like if I gave you a cheeseburger.

[822] It tastes like feet, you know?

[823] Look what's on Amazon, though.

[824] Larry the Capel guy.

[825] Cheeseburger Tater chips.

[826] They're 20 bucks.

[827] A pack of three, that.

[828] Pack of three.

[829] Damn.

[830] Cheeseburger potato chips.

[831] That's another guy, by the way.

[832] Doesn't need the money, so he clearly believes in cheeseburger potato chips.

[833] Look, they were very tasty, but I was feeling like with each chip, I was rolling the crazy dice.

[834] I was like, what's in this shit?

[835] Who knows what kind of?

[836] It's going to grow breasts on you.

[837] You know what it's like?

[838] It's like Willie Wonka in a chocolate factory.

[839] It really is.

[840] When they take the thing, it's like, what does it taste like?

[841] Oh, it tastes like, you know, whatever the thing was.

[842] That's exactly what it's like.

[843] Dude, I didn't even think of that.

[844] I forgot about that.

[845] That's exactly what it's like.

[846] Yeah.

[847] I'm telling you.

[848] What was it?

[849] Do you guys remember?

[850] I forget what it was.

[851] It's like, does it taste like this?

[852] And he's like, yeah, it does.

[853] I don't remember, but I do remember.

[854] It was like a piece of gum that basically tasted like a food experience.

[855] Right.

[856] Well, they're getting, they're closing in on that.

[857] They're closing in.

[858] on that.

[859] It's like ghostly.

[860] It's ghostly.

[861] It's not distinct.

[862] It's not like, you know, habanero pepper distinct flavor.

[863] It's, it's ghostly.

[864] Like, oh, there's the, yeah, it's a mustard in that fucking thing.

[865] But it's really good.

[866] It's really good.

[867] But I'm, you're rolling the, the health dice.

[868] You would be good with those potato, you know what would be good with those potato chips like some kind of cheese, meaty cheese dip.

[869] Oh, Jesus Christ, son.

[870] You're getting my dick hard.

[871] A queso, meaty casein.

[872] When you talk to Europeans, though, they say that what's killing us is the preservatives.

[873] Oh, yeah.

[874] Because Europeans are not very overweight, and they eat cheese and wine and all this.

[875] Well, they also have unpasteurized cheese.

[876] They have a lot of unpasteurized cheese in Europe.

[877] You can't even get it over here.

[878] It's like I had a friend from France, and he used to have to smuggle it in.

[879] Really?

[880] To smuggle in unpasteurized cheese from France.

[881] Yeah, it's so crazy.

[882] Wow.

[883] And, by the way, there's a reason why your body has a lactose intolerance.

[884] It's because you're drinking milk that's been born.

[885] oiled down and is dead.

[886] There's no enzymes in it.

[887] There's no, like, all this stuff that makes your body naturally digest it, it doesn't exist.

[888] Yeah.

[889] You know, so the idea is that, like, we have to protect people from bad milk.

[890] Yeah, but you know what's a better idea?

[891] Fresh milk.

[892] Yeah.

[893] We've got to figure out how to not have milk sitting in a supermarket for three months.

[894] We've got to have people closer to their animals.

[895] We had the, growing up, we had the, I don't know if you remember this in Massachusetts.

[896] It's the Lundgren and Jinnitus, like, milks.

[897] store.

[898] It was milk in glass bottles and they would deliver it to your house.

[899] Foil tops, they peeled them off.

[900] It was great.

[901] Amazing milk.

[902] And it used to...

[903] I don't think that place exists anymore.

[904] Yeah, I don't know if that was pasteurized or homogenized.

[905] But they used to have it at Whole Foods, but now you've got to go to, there's like a little specialty markets in California.

[906] Do they have it in Whole Foods?

[907] No, not anymore.

[908] Whole Foods is like, they're so big that they, there's certain shit they don't take a risk with.

[909] Like, there's a kombucha.

[910] that is more than one half of one percent alcohol.

[911] And because of that, they won't carry it.

[912] But it's just a, it's nothing, it's not like a level that can get you drunk, but it is, you know, it ferments.

[913] And it's really fucking good for you.

[914] And the one that ferments the most is really the best for you.

[915] And they don't carry it because it gets a little risky with the alcohol.

[916] Right, very risky.

[917] So that's why they don't have that.

[918] They don't have raw milk there anymore.

[919] It's like it's too risky.

[920] But I don't know if that's, a corporate decision or what but it's unfortunate because raw milk man it doesn't give you any like weird stomach shit tastes way better once you get used to the fact what you drink it it's like rich and creamy it's like it's really fucking good i was flying uh i was flying in california recently and i was on a plane and i was i had one of those mornings where you show up at the airport and you just you're so hungry that that you just grab anything i was like at cheebo or whatever that place called the jfk yeah you're just like i'll have any just in case you know I need something.

[921] I'll have a banana, I'll have a sandwich.

[922] Right, right, right.

[923] You have this bag of stuff.

[924] And I get on the plane, and I'm just scarfing down this chicken salad sandwich, and the flight attendant comes over to me, and he goes, excuse me?

[925] He goes, are there nuts in that sandwich?

[926] I'm, like, scarfing down the sandwich, and I look down it.

[927] I'm like, um, I think so.

[928] I think there's walnut in a sandwich, and I know that this is going to go badly.

[929] And so I, as I'm talking, I'm still eating the sandwich.

[930] I'm like, oh, I think so.

[931] And he's like, um, the way.

[932] woman who's two seats down from you she has a nut allergy so you have to put that away and I was just like um I won't I won't like make her eat them you know like I won't you know rub them on her body I'm just going to eat it right here and he was like it's actually um even if the nuts are in the air oh okay and I looked over at the woman and I go excuse me I go I go will you have a reality allergic reaction if there are nuts in the air?

[933] And she goes, yeah, I have an allergy and it's, I'll have a, I'll have an episode if there's nuts in the air.

[934] And, uh, and I was just thinking like, I didn't say this, but I was like, you shouldn't leave the house.

[935] Yeah, right?

[936] You should have a bubble around.

[937] There's a lot of air.

[938] Is that even real, though?

[939] I don't know.

[940] She can't go in the grocery store?

[941] So this is what happened.

[942] I go, I don't know.

[943] I was in that stage where I was having like, like eating, like I was about to have eating blue balls where you're halfway through a sandwich and you're like if i don't finish this sandwich i'm going to flip out so i said the guy was like is there anywhere i can eat this sandwich and he said i'm not making this up he goes you can eat it in the bathroom wow and so i and i went to the bathroom and i finished my sandwich oh my god jesus christ yeah but the nut allergy thing is strange it's like i really don't want people to die because they have a nut allergy but I'm also kind of like, well, then I guess...

[944] Whoa, this is real.

[945] Yeah, the allergy thing?

[946] Yeah, this is real.

[947] Wow, that's crazy.

[948] Yeah, they should have breathing things that they have to wear if they're going in public.

[949] It shouldn't go on 150 passengers in the flight for the person with the nut allergy.

[950] Why can't she just have one of those little Asian masks, you know, like the little white mask?

[951] Yeah, for SARS.

[952] It can be...

[953] Wow, this is really interesting, man. Hmm.

[954] That doesn't seem right.

[955] And then I asked her, I go, is this, do you fly a lot?

[956] I mean, is this something you do?

[957] I mean, and she said, yeah, and when I'm on Southwest, I call in advance, when I call in advance, they take all the nuts off the plane.

[958] Oh, my God.

[959] She said, there are no nuts on the plane when I fly.

[960] And I was just like, who is this girl?

[961] That's insane.

[962] What kind of power does she wield?

[963] Yeah, that's not right.

[964] here's the thing they're saying all those small amounts of peanut protein can set off a severe reaction it is rare that people get an allergic reaction from just breathing in small particles of nuts or peanuts that does mean it's possible they said it's rare yeah it says most foods with peanuts in them do not allow enough of the protein to escape into the air causing a reaction just because the smell of foods containing peanuts won't produce a reaction because the scent does not contain the protein so what she was just freaking out at the possibility but most likely since it was like a food it wasn't just it's a dust from the crunching of the peanuts apparently that's enough apparently to freak some people out it's rare but that's enough for some people which is crazy yeah she should not she should drive what a weird thing though man to be allergic to a food so badly like a peanut that would suck and nuts can kill people man they're fucking poison and we're like peanut m &M's fucking chom chomp imagine how weird it would be grown up where everybody's eating poison everywhere around you everybody's eating some shit that if you go to the supermarket there's tubs of poison you go and get some peanut butter that shit will kill you i've always felt that way about cell phones though oh really from from from from moment one when cell phones started you be ubiquitous i was like this is going to be the cigarettes of our time well that's ridiculous that's not nearly as bad as peanuts to people allergic to peanuts people that are allergic to peanuts it fucking kills you dead and it's everywhere in tubs of it and people are eating it in front of it of you chomp chomp it's like a common food for kids take to school peanut butter and jelly imagine if poison think about having this to your head all the time if you get cancer from your cell phone you're a pussy that's what i say i'm gonna uh send some brain cancer patients your way it might be weird if like in like 30 years it might be weird though in like 30 years if like the whole entire world has cancer the brain right yeah we all die at the same time everybody's right thumb rots off right you're texting thumb yeah i don't I don't think that it's that much of a concern.

[965] There's a lot of radiation we just get from the sun.

[966] There's a lot of radiation we get from just the environment.

[967] Every time you fly in a plane, you get massive amounts of radiation.

[968] Is that right?

[969] Yeah, every time you fly in a plane, it's supposed to be worse than going through those x -ray machines.

[970] Oh, Jesus.

[971] Yeah, you're up in the fucking high altitude.

[972] You're flying at 35 ,000 feet.

[973] Yeah, my wife won't do the new one, the new x -ray.

[974] Oh, really?

[975] She gets opted out.

[976] She opts out.

[977] She just is freaked out by it.

[978] It's a lot of radiation.

[979] Right.

[980] Yeah.

[981] Yeah.

[982] I don't think they've adequately researched the long -term effects of putting fucking weird particles through people's bodies.

[983] And it might work on, you know, there's a thing about any sort of exposure to things that you might be fine.

[984] I might be fine.

[985] But one person, just like the person that's allergic to peanuts.

[986] People's bodies are weird, man. One person could have a totally different reaction to that radiation and really get sick because of it.

[987] Everybody's built so different, man. You know, there's just, we have.

[988] have we have similar but varied bodies and we have to take that into consideration when you find out what's what's bad for people some people can't even have one drink does that mean we should take drinks away that's ridiculous because for most of us drinks are great yeah some people cannot have that one drink so imagine living in a world and i have friends that have done this where they look at everybody drinking like you're just this is everything you're doing if i did i would be dead in an alley in a week i'd just fucking go on a massive bender until uh i ran out of heartbeats you know i mean that's it's around us everywhere yeah we vary too much we need to collectively there's we got a big spectrum yeah of physical psychological everything do you ever think about running for office fuck that for running for office is like it'd be like becoming a pro wrestler yeah that's what it would be like this is the only way you could equate the two because you're following like a script in a certain way you're following a script and you're you're entering into some artificial sort of a situation like this isn't this isn't real like paul ryan we don't know paul ryan yeah we don't know mitt romney mit romney doesn't even know mit romney i was very uninspired by the speeches last night it's bizarre it feels like i'm in a movie i watched those speeches and i was actually really open -minded to like hey what do you guys got and then i came away just being like oh okay nothing it was all rhetoric it was all get back to the country, you, if you have a small business, you did build it.

[989] Yeah.

[990] You know, it was all just bad, clunky, shitty, shitty speeches.

[991] Yeah.

[992] They played a Reagan speech from when Reagan was running against Jimmy Carter.

[993] I was like, God damn, Reagan in the campaign trail could fucking throw it down.

[994] Oh, yeah.

[995] He was an actor.

[996] He was, yeah, being an actor, you know, even though he was getting on in his days, when he was running for president, the effects of the presidency hadn't quite broken him down like it did during his term.

[997] But he stomped Carter in this two -minute speech about what's the difference between a recession and a depression.

[998] A recession is when a neighbor's out of a job.

[999] A depression is when you're out of a job.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] And the crowd was cheering.

[1002] And he's like, and to get rid of this depression, we need to put Jimmy Carter out of a job.

[1003] And then they went fucking ape shit.

[1004] I was like, whoa.

[1005] Imagine having that guy breathing down your heels.

[1006] Yeah, Ronald Reagan, handsome.

[1007] ass actor, talking a lot of sense.

[1008] Well, wait until Clooney runs her office in like 10 years.

[1009] He's got no kids.

[1010] He's got no kids.

[1011] People are never going to listen to a man who doesn't have children.

[1012] They're not going to listen to a man who doesn't have children.

[1013] Trust me. The people who have children will never listen to a man who doesn't have children because they know that there's a physiological change that happens in a person's body in your brain and your consciousness and your understanding of relationships.

[1014] When you have your own children, and he doesn't have his own children.

[1015] But when he runs for a president, he's going to have two -year -olds, twins, daughters.

[1016] Maybe.

[1017] We want to see your kids get to be about 15 before you start running.

[1018] What about Matt Damon?

[1019] He has kids.

[1020] Yeah.

[1021] Matt Damon could run for office.

[1022] But the real problem is that the whole system is completely fucked sideways by corruption.

[1023] There's no way you can run for office.

[1024] To do what?

[1025] To be the bidding of the...

[1026] You're going to be at the bidding of these giant corporations.

[1027] Are you going to have bullets in your brain?

[1028] Well, you know what the game is.

[1029] It's true.

[1030] This thing's been bought and sold.

[1031] And if it wasn't proved to us by Obama, I mean, come on, a guy who is a parent or his parent is a single mom, right?

[1032] He's raised in an interracial relationship, grows up poor, lives in Hawaii for a while.

[1033] I mean, you were talking about a guy who's a total outsider.

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] Right.

[1036] And look what happens when he gets in.

[1037] He passes things like the National Defense Authorization Act that just blindly allows them to arrest people and they have no recourse, allows them to use the military to block civil unrest and to stop civil unrest in this country all shit that's supposed to be prevented in the constitution and he's just allowing this stuff to go through why is he allowing this stuff to go through is that what the child of a single parent would really want not the fuck it is yeah he doesn't have a say he's at the bidding they're all at the bidding of money what is the best way to make money the best way to make money is let these motherfuckers lose let them do what they want to do in other countries let's just make this happen this is give him reasons why we got to make this happen and that money just keeps fucking flying in.

[1038] These guys are in a vampire orgy of blood money, just dancing around and drinking in it, and they don't want it to stop.

[1039] And so Obama, who says that he's going to stop wars, all of a sudden he wins the Nobel Peace Prize, and he has to send 30 ,000 more troops to Afghanistan.

[1040] Yeah.

[1041] What is that?

[1042] Is that what, do you really think that's what he wants to do?

[1043] Do you really think that's what his big change is?

[1044] His big change is that?

[1045] Come on, man. It's all crazy.

[1046] No one, this, it says, this is a broken system.

[1047] You're watching these candidates, you know, This is the last death throes of a dying situation, a dying configuration, the configuration of Democrat versus Republican.

[1048] You know, and what we're going to do is give America back to the small businesses, to the families.

[1049] It's like, it's like you're making those close encounters noises.

[1050] You're not even saying anything.

[1051] You're just making the noises that the people want to hear.

[1052] You're making the conservative noise.

[1053] It's sort of underlyingly racist.

[1054] Let's get it back away from this black guy.

[1055] He's kind of fucked everything up.

[1056] Look how white my wife is.

[1057] There's a little of that going on.

[1058] It's nonsense.

[1059] And meanwhile, the same companies will be controlling things, no matter who's in control.

[1060] We get wrapped up in shit like gay marriage and immigration and all this different stuff that nobody really gives a fuck about at the top of the heap.

[1061] And they just keep sucking money out of the system the whole time.

[1062] we're dancing around worrying about whether dudes should be able to write things down and say I'm a this now and you're a that now and then it becomes illegal.

[1063] We're dicking around about that.

[1064] The same people are running shit that have always been running shit.

[1065] It's hilarious really.

[1066] It's when it becomes more and more transparent you realize like what an incredible job they've done of just keeping everybody in the dark and just running things from the background.

[1067] Yeah.

[1068] As far as like running the world, really the fucking banks have done a fantastic job I mean in despite of all the competition the access to information people have today the fact they still run it the way they run it it's like amazing done a great job they're bad motherfuckers yeah it's just depressing it is depressing it's you know who would want you know what person of our age group would want war at this stage of life what person would think that that's the best option in any culture but they were even saying it last night in the like McCain in his speech was saying we should raise defense spending.

[1069] Raise defense spending.

[1070] Isn't that what you guys are trying to say?

[1071] We shouldn't spend so much money?

[1072] I was very confused by what they were saying, what their message was.

[1073] The word defense is a funny word because it's not defense when you're in another country.

[1074] So when you say raise defense spending, I'm down for strengthening anything in America.

[1075] But I think I don't see any reason to send someone's kids to some other fucking country to shoot some people they never met because some assholes say that that's the thing that needs to be done.

[1076] That don't make any sense to me. It's not that you don't support the troops and it's not that you don't think that it's good to have a strong army because I absolutely do and do.

[1077] But oh, this is fucking craziness.

[1078] This is chaos.

[1079] And no one wants to admit it is.

[1080] So you're just, you're dealing with these two guys that are essentially going to, it's going to very, very little.

[1081] Maybe there's going to be like some social debate going on in here.

[1082] maybe, you know, gay people have a harder time.

[1083] It'll be harder to get medical pot.

[1084] I mean, maybe.

[1085] But other than that, what the fuck is going to change?

[1086] Not that much.

[1087] Not that much is going to change.

[1088] 246.

[1089] All right.

[1090] So we're good.

[1091] You got to get out of here, so?

[1092] I think at three, I got to go over and be on Conan.

[1093] I think at three.

[1094] You think at three?

[1095] What time do you actually go on stage there?

[1096] I don't know.

[1097] Well, I heard they're going to wait for you.

[1098] I'm in a half.

[1099] haze of kind of interviews and stuff like that these days and coming here is just kind of like taking time off it's like I don't have to it's like we don't have there's no hard interview questions it's just kind of hanging out it's hard when you're dealing with like you have to try to be entertaining all the time and you have to yeah well you answer the same questions over and over and over again I did the I invited you to that WGA screening the other night yeah and it was it was crazy because Tim Robbins was there and Tom Hanks was really crazy and that's crazy they were saying Tim Robbins was saying to me that he was like what you're experiencing right now this kind of haze of like press junk and all this stuff it's basically what they would do if they literally wanted to make you insane they stick you in a room and ask you the same question over and over again all day until you crack and that's what you're doing that's your life right now yeah that's like if you were like a guilty person they would bring in a series of investigators they would ask you the exact same questions yeah and see if you have the same answer yeah that's actually a great idea that you could have like a hundred investigators and they give you the same questions and you have to give detailed stories yeah you would fuck that thing up yeah so it's been like a hay is wow what did you movie called sleepwalk with me sleepwalk with me i sent you the screener you did you get it i don't together yet.

[1100] Here, you want to watch the trailer?

[1101] Let's watch the trailer because I haven't throw it up.

[1102] I've seen the trailer.

[1103] Here we go.

[1104] And it's true.

[1105] I always have to tell people that because inevitably someone will come up to me and they'll be like, is that true?

[1106] I'll be like, yeah.

[1107] And they'll be like, was it?

[1108] I don't know how to respond to that.

[1109] Like, I guess I could say it louder.

[1110] You know, like, yeah, they'd be like, it's probably true.

[1111] Say it louder.

[1112] Now the big comedian, Matt Pannedipiglio.

[1113] Hey, y 'all ready to lift.

[1114] Lipsink?

[1115] I can't hear you.

[1116] That's my lip sync, joke.

[1117] My girlfriend Abby and I moved in to Canada.

[1118] She's great, and my sister Janet got engaged.

[1119] You're next.

[1120] Coming your way, baby.

[1121] Better up.

[1122] Everyone started talking about marriage.

[1123] How long have you and Abby been together?

[1124] Eight years.

[1125] I don't remember being so long.

[1126] That's ridiculous.

[1127] And that night, I started walking in my sleep.

[1128] There's a jack -hauled the room.

[1129] Come back to bed.

[1130] How long is this sleepwalking thing going?

[1131] I don't think it's that serious.

[1132] As things with my girlfriend got more tense, my sleepwalking got more dangerous.

[1133] Didn't it, Matt, in the first place.

[1134] This is the first time I remember thinking, maybe I should see a doctor.

[1135] And then I thought, maybe I'll eat dinner.

[1136] I went with dinner.

[1137] I've decided I'm not going to get married until I'm sure that nothing else good can happen in my life.

[1138] You'd say that on stage.

[1139] One day I asked my girlfriend, what do you fear most?

[1140] And she said, I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me and I'll be all alone and she said, what do you fear most?

[1141] And I said, bears.

[1142] Dad's your girlfriend?

[1143] You're the jokes?

[1144] No. You should probably mention it.

[1145] You say you're going to go see the doctor, you don't.

[1146] You say you want to be a comedian, you're a bartender.

[1147] I mean, pick a damn plan and stick with it.

[1148] He's kidding, but he's not as funny as you.

[1149] My parents have been together 40 years, which is, yeah, no, but it's too long.

[1150] If you're ever in a relationship that's moving towards marriage and you're not ready, don't Go to my sister Janet's wedding Nice shirt loser Sorry No, I like it It's nice That looks funny That looks great, nice That looks great Yeah, it was a couple of really good lines And you gave Mark Mariner apart That's a big Like altruistic move He and I had a I don't know First time I went on this podcast We really threw down He really hated me Really?

[1151] He hated me for a long time Dude, he hated me for a long time, too.

[1152] Did he really?

[1153] Yeah, he's crazy.

[1154] Hates everybody.

[1155] I think he hates himself.

[1156] But then we...

[1157] Tries to be a nice guy, though.

[1158] No, no, he's been really nice to me in the last year or so.

[1159] That's a nice tactic that people do.

[1160] Yeah, they create conflict, and then somehow the conflict gets resolved, and then there's, like, this emotional connection because you have something at stake.

[1161] I think he's a little bit addicted to conflict.

[1162] A little bit.

[1163] What did he not like about you?

[1164] Oh, we didn't know each other.

[1165] He just had this distorted perception of me. I don't know.

[1166] And he has this issue with people selling out.

[1167] He has this issue with me doing Fear Factor.

[1168] I'm like, shut your fucking punk rock nonsense up.

[1169] Selling out, please.

[1170] But he's great in the movie.

[1171] Yeah, Lauren Ambrose and Carol Kane.

[1172] Mark's a good guy.

[1173] He's just crazy.

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] But that's why he's good at what he does, too.

[1176] He's good at what he does, yeah.

[1177] He's very good at interviewing people.

[1178] Yes.

[1179] He's not, you know, some people just can't quite get the, the spark going you know it's awkward interviews like when someone's asking like half -hearted questions or it doesn't have the passion for it yeah it's very uncomfortable to listen to yes that's most interviews yeah isn't it yeah like that's why those press junk it has to be they're painful yeah yeah especially for a stand -up when you you know you you know you're so con like always aware of people's attention spans well you and i were talking the other day about they want me to do all these like morning local morning TV shows and it's hard because they don't when you say on those local morning TV shows when you say a joke they'll say I don't know what you mean and that's the worst that's the opposite of laughter the moment you have to start explaining a joke you're done yeah I was saying that if you're if you're on one of those shows any comedian should do this if you're on one those shows, what you should do is just immediately break into a Tracy Morgan in person.

[1180] Someone's getting pregnant around here.

[1181] You just start rubbing your belly because that's like the funniest thing that's ever happened on one of those morning shows is Tracy Morgan rubbing his belly.

[1182] This is my main call.

[1183] You see, it's my main call.

[1184] Someone getting pregnant.

[1185] And when he did that, this poor fool and this silly show was just flabbergasted and this, hey, Tracy.

[1186] He didn't know what to say.

[1187] I was just like, stuck with a wild man on a show someone getting pregnant he would slap his belly go this is my mate and call so did you did you write a book first is that how this movie came out it was a one man show it was a one man show it was off Broadway in New York Sleepwalk with me the one man show and then and then I adapted into a film and then along the way I actually did I wrote a book that was Sleepwalk with me it was a chapter in the book sleepwalk with me and other painfully true stories it was just comedic essays about sort of painful So the sleepwalking part is true?

[1188] Yeah, I jumped through a second -story window in my sleep.

[1189] Oh, my God.

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] Holy shit, dude.

[1192] Yeah.

[1193] So you wake up when?

[1194] When you hit the ground?

[1195] I woke up as I was running on the front lawn in my underwear bleeding.

[1196] Oh, my God.

[1197] Yeah.

[1198] Second -story window.

[1199] That's like some...

[1200] At La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington.

[1201] Holy shit.

[1202] So you're on the road?

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] Oh, my God.

[1205] Dude, how crazy are you on a 1 to 10?

[1206] What's going on?

[1207] on here.

[1208] What's going on is I was diagnosed with what's called REM Behavior Disorder.

[1209] But on a scale of one to ten, eight.

[1210] Every comic's crazy.

[1211] Why are we all so crazy?

[1212] I don't know.

[1213] There's something up with comedians.

[1214] So do you have like a tool now that you travel with like a belt that's like hooked up to like a no joke I sleep in every night in a sleeping bag up to my neck and for a while I would wear mittens so I couldn't where open the sleeping bag.

[1215] And I take medication.

[1216] I take an anti -anxiety that the doctor prescribed.

[1217] Wow.

[1218] Yeah.

[1219] That's so strange.

[1220] Do you, is there a trigger?

[1221] Is there something that?

[1222] Anxiety, stress, sleep deprivation, like all the stuff that's really not good sleep hygiene.

[1223] Wow.

[1224] And it makes you just completely not know what you're doing.

[1225] It makes me act out of my dreams.

[1226] It makes me act out of my dreams.

[1227] And usually my dreams have to do with me running away from some kind of, like, demon or wild animal.

[1228] wow what the fuck man yeah holy shit that's got to be crazy i know i told a story about um i've told this on stage before about being in san francisco during a fire and uh it was uh it was 4 30 in the morning we all got evacuated from the hotel room and a lot of people sleep with ambian and when they're when they're woken up like that they don't know what the fuck is going on yes and you could see it in their face and they would wake up in the middle of like walking up down the stairs.

[1229] So this guy was like in front of us and he was in the middle and he's there's a fucking whole line of people trying to get out of this hotel, right?

[1230] Hundreds of people on the stairs.

[1231] And it's a it's a really narrow staircase.

[1232] We only one person gets it at the time.

[1233] Well, people were waking up.

[1234] Where are we doing?

[1235] What are we?

[1236] What are we?

[1237] Like waking up in the middle of walking down the stairs and the wife was like yelling at the guy.

[1238] Just keep walking the hotels of hotel.

[1239] What hotel?

[1240] Where are we?

[1241] We're in San Francisco.

[1242] The hotel's on fire.

[1243] We're on fire.

[1244] Like, like, like, Literally, didn't know what the fuck was going on.

[1245] It's whacked out on Ambien.

[1246] Kevin James made a turkey when he was on Ambien.

[1247] Really?

[1248] Yeah, he made a turkey.

[1249] No kidding.

[1250] Made a fucking turkey.

[1251] Didn't know about it.

[1252] Got up in the morning.

[1253] He was like, what the fuck is all this?

[1254] Like, didn't know that he went and he cooked some food.

[1255] That is insane.

[1256] It happens to people all the time.

[1257] My sister growing up when she was like 11 or 12, my mom found her walking down the street of our neighborhood naked.

[1258] Oh, my God.

[1259] And I'm like thinking, oh, how.

[1260] what are the odds that maybe just some guy drove by and was like what a naked 11 year old hey walking on the street my lucky day there was a guy who was convicted of he he murdered someone close to him like his parents or his mother -in -law or something like that drove to their house in his sleep do you know this case there's cases where it's been used as an alibi this but this guy got off yeah no people have gotten off he killed her with like a crowbar so i'm going to start sleepwalking Ryan, you can't talk about it first on a podcast, dude.

[1261] Yeah, that's a paper trail right there.

[1262] Yeah, how could you get away with that in a court of a law?

[1263] Since you have it, what would they say?

[1264] Like, what is...

[1265] If I killed somebody?

[1266] No, no, anything you do.

[1267] Obviously, when you walked out that window, there's no question that you were dreaming.

[1268] Yeah, I had a dream that there was a guided missile headed towards my hotel room.

[1269] That there were all these...

[1270] that there were all these military personnel in the room with me. And they said, the military personnel said to me, the missile coordinates are set specifically on you.

[1271] So I jumped out my window so as to detonate outside the window for the sake of the platoon.

[1272] Wow.

[1273] Oh, my God.

[1274] Yeah.

[1275] Yeah, this guy beat his mother -in -law to death and choked his father -in -law into unconsciousness.

[1276] Jesus Christ.

[1277] Yeah.

[1278] When was the last episode that you had that was even just a slight problem?

[1279] Well, you know what's crazy is that making a film is actually not the healthiest thing for sleep disorders.

[1280] So like, I was having anxiety and sleep deprived and I was sleep deprived and I was directing.

[1281] I was directing myself acting out things that I had done in my life.

[1282] So I was, I had an episode where I was sleepwalking.

[1283] My wife came in and I was adjusting lamps in the bedroom.

[1284] And she's like, what are you doing?

[1285] And I was like, we're shooting.

[1286] and she was like, no, we're not shooting.

[1287] And I go, I'm sorry, but we are.

[1288] Like, I was actually patronizing her, which is the worst thing you can do when you're sleepwalking is just insult people for not understanding your reality.

[1289] Like, oh, you're so stupid.

[1290] You don't get it.

[1291] You just don't get it.

[1292] Oh, my God, that's got to be so weird.

[1293] Has anybody ever videotaped you doing it?

[1294] No, no. But I have this.

[1295] That would have been the great wacky credits for your movie.

[1296] I have this great out.

[1297] Yeah.

[1298] Well, no, no, in the credits of it.

[1299] the movie are the actual photographs of the window I jumped through and me at the hospital.

[1300] I took photos of all of it because when it happened, I knew no one's going to believe this.

[1301] This is too crazy.

[1302] And so that's the credits of the movie.

[1303] You smashed the window and everything?

[1304] You did it like James Bond style?

[1305] I jumped through the window like the Hulk.

[1306] Oh my God.

[1307] And I say that because that's how I described was at the emergency room.

[1308] I was like, you know, the Hulk?

[1309] You know, he just kind of jumps through windows and walls?

[1310] That's like me. Holy shit, dude.

[1311] Yeah.

[1312] No, I've never videoed myself, but I have this great new video technology called my wife who remembers everything I see, whatever I do or say.

[1313] So she's kind of explained to me what it looks like.

[1314] She's your dictator.

[1315] She dictates.

[1316] It's kind of a hacky men -woman thing, but my wife remembers everything.

[1317] Everything.

[1318] That's funny.

[1319] Your rights here, by the way.

[1320] Oh, is it?

[1321] Yeah.

[1322] Well, dude, thank you very much.

[1323] This is a story that we were talking about.

[1324] If anybody's interested in looking up.

[1325] There was a guy from Toronto, and he had, he lost his job due to embezzlement, and he suffered from a gambling addiction.

[1326] So the guy was in some serious, serious debt, so because of that, he had a high level of stress and sleep -induced insomnia.

[1327] And he drove, he got up in his car, rose from his bed, he drove 14 miles to the home of his wife's parents.

[1328] That's unreal.

[1329] Yeah, he removed a tire iron from the car, entered the house, and he beat the mother -in -law to death, choked the.

[1330] the father -in -law unconsciousness, and then he used a knife from the kitchen to stab them.

[1331] I don't buy that, though.

[1332] I don't buy that as an alibi.

[1333] He seems like a cunt anyway, you know?

[1334] Yeah.

[1335] And then he turned himself into a police station.

[1336] I don't buy that.

[1337] Because, I mean, I have this disorder, and I could not imagine doing anything that, like, basically, the reason I wear a sleeping bag is that if you undo the sleeping bag, the moment you start doing something that requires dexterity and focus and concentration, that's what wakes you up.

[1338] Yeah.

[1339] I feel like driving a car is a very specific.

[1340] Dude, they should have called you.

[1341] They should have called you in the corner.

[1342] Where am I in that story?

[1343] Yeah, because I think, I'm pretty sure this guy got off.

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] I don't, yeah, I think he got acquitted, man. And then the jury acquitted parks of murder and later of attempted murder.

[1346] Although the government appealed the 1992 Supreme Court of Canada.

[1347] See, it's Canada, though, that's a problem.

[1348] They're too nice up there.

[1349] America would be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[1350] oh you're sleepwalking when you beat someone to death with a tire iron yeah nothing wakes you up like metal to bone crack over and over again in your hands vibrating in your hands your mother -in -law's skull really and that doesn't wake you up the fuck out of here you crazy asshole right Mike Perpiglio dude your movie looks fucking awesome thanks it really looks cool really funny it's in if people want to find it it's in 30 cities in theaters this weekend and will it be available on Netflix and iTunes and all that stuff Soon it will be available all these places, but it's, right now it's going to, it's booked.

[1351] If you go on sleepwalkmovie .com, you can see in the next month it's going to open in 170 movie theaters around the country.

[1352] Listen, if you ever want to come back again, we'd love to have it.

[1353] Any time you want.

[1354] Whenever you're in town, just anytime, just let me know.

[1355] And if you need help promoting anything, let me know as well, and we'll hook it up.

[1356] Thanks a lot.

[1357] So thank you very much for coming on.

[1358] Thanks to Onit .com for sponsoring our podcast.

[1359] Use the code name Rogan and save yourself 10 % off.

[1360] You know, something, I'm sorry, you dirty bitches.

[1361] And we will see you guys Friday.

[1362] We're probably going to do in Ice House Chronicles here because it's going to be Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, me, and Doug Stanhope as well at the Ice House.

[1363] What?

[1364] Doug's coming?

[1365] Are you fucking kidding me?

[1366] Yeah.

[1367] Oh, fuck, yeah.

[1368] Doug's going to be here Friday.

[1369] And, of course, Doug and I are also still doing the end -of -the -world show, December 21st, 2012 at the Wiltern Theater in L .A. Oh, that's awesome.

[1370] Diaz and Honey Honey, the band.

[1371] Tell Doug I said hi.

[1372] I will, I will for sure.

[1373] He's the best.

[1374] Yeah, I love him.

[1375] Please buy a T -shirt.

[1376] Yeah, we're doing some thing for Tosh