Kristen Bell

[0] Hi, my name is Kristen Bell.

[1] And I feel supercharged about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Police hear the yell.

[3] Back to school.

[4] Ring the bell.

[5] Brand new shoes.

[6] Walking loose.

[7] Climb the fence, books and pens.

[8] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[9] Can tell that we are going to be friends.

[10] Hey there.

[11] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[12] This is the show where I, Conan O 'Brien, talk to celebrities and interesting personalities, all in the hope of maybe finally finding a true friend, not someone who's on my payroll.

[13] Those tend to be the people I hang out with, writers, producers, people that work for me. I want a real friend that likes me for me. I'm aided in my quest by my trusty assistant son of Sessian.

[14] Hi.

[15] And my producer, Matt Gourley.

[16] Hi there.

[17] Today's guest is Kristen Bell.

[18] She's an amazing talent and an incredible person and thrilled that she's here.

[19] I like being people's friends.

[20] I think the point of, like, earth is to be friendly and nice and to share it with other people because it doesn't work when we're all islands.

[21] I got to tell you, I was having sort of a down morning, and you walked in here and you are just this burst of energy and goodwill.

[22] Too much?

[23] No, no, no, no, no. No, I would say take it up a little.

[24] Oh, okay.

[25] I need a stronger dose.

[26] No, that was very nice.

[27] And I agree with you.

[28] I think that is the point.

[29] And one of the reasons, as I think you know, and maybe you understand my plight, I work pretty hard.

[30] I have a busy life.

[31] And I don't think people even realize how hard you work.

[32] And not in the sense of like we're not coal miners.

[33] It's not like the most physical activity, but the amount of brain power it takes in the amount of hours.

[34] I know, I've seen how you guys work.

[35] I think my life is harder than a coal miners.

[36] Very busy.

[37] I don't know.

[38] I don't know.

[39] I'm going to double down on that.

[40] Okay.

[41] I think my life is more, day to day is more dangerous than a coal miners.

[42] And I think, more toxic.

[43] And I think they should pity me. And maybe I'm going to get mail for this.

[44] Okay.

[45] But I don't think people mail letters anymore.

[46] So, I'm going to let that go.

[47] But I do, it's hard.

[48] It's a, and, you know, I have a wife.

[49] I have kids.

[50] So what happens is I realize, where are my pals that I hang out with?

[51] Where's my gang?

[52] You've got to carve time for that.

[53] Yeah, but then I also need people that are willing to do it.

[54] And that's, let's be honest.

[55] Well, that's, that's on you.

[56] What do you mean?

[57] You got to make yourself available and you got to put out some sunshine so that people want to do that with you, want to hang out with you.

[58] And you mentioned that when you have a party, everyone's, you look around and everyone's on your payroll.

[59] I mean, dare I would say those are better friends.

[60] That's true.

[61] I have control.

[62] Because they're on your payroll.

[63] You know, and also I can control their behavior.

[64] Well, no. Oh, I didn't, I went a different way.

[65] It's because you have a shared goal.

[66] Oh.

[67] Because I find my marriage works, my, when I get along with my kids the best, when anything is when you have a shared goal with someone.

[68] I mean, That's why we, I mean, we developed out of tribes.

[69] And when you find a tribe with a shared goal, you tend to bond with them and you tend to react better towards anything they say and find them less dangerous.

[70] And when you have a shared goal, like your show, they want to stay employed.

[71] It's their job.

[72] They don't like work here because they want to lose their job.

[73] Right.

[74] It's they have an incentive to keep working here, which means they want to be friendly.

[75] You guys have a shared goal.

[76] It's the production.

[77] They know that you know it's not just you.

[78] It's all these people sitting in this room.

[79] and there's like so many people in this room.

[80] But you know what?

[81] So many of them don't do anything.

[82] Which ones?

[83] I guess you know who you are.

[84] Dead weight, dead weight, dead weight, dead weight.

[85] Okay, there's a lot of dead weight here.

[86] And I say that with love.

[87] I really do.

[88] Yeah.

[89] Because you need a certain amount of dead weight.

[90] This leads me to my question.

[91] For example, my wife and I have enjoyed the company of you and Dax.

[92] And you guys are a fantastic couple.

[93] And I thought we all got along.

[94] And I was thinking, Is it possible that we could all be real friends?

[95] Is that a possibility?

[96] I think so.

[97] Well, okay, you hesitated.

[98] No. You hesitated.

[99] I hesitated because I want expectations to be accurate and reasonable because the reality is we also have very busy lifestyles and you have to, you know, like the Buddhists say like desire and yearning, it's just like a wasted emotion.

[100] So like saying we, oh, we should strive to get together once a week.

[101] That's never going to happen.

[102] No, not going to happen.

[103] But like once every couple months, planning it like a dinner or something or like a pool party, that could totally happen.

[104] So we go in and say, what do we want to commit to?

[105] Because we like spending social time together.

[106] And our shared goal is friendship.

[107] Friendship, yes.

[108] Right?

[109] And then we can definitely do it.

[110] Okay.

[111] Because...

[112] You need buddies.

[113] I need some real friends, you know?

[114] And I'll tell you something else.

[115] I'm very comfortable, really comfortable with you.

[116] and really comfortable with your husband and my wife likes you guys.

[117] And so it just feels like, you know what, people like my wife a lot more than they like me. Yeah.

[118] My assistant, Sona, who's here, once said to me, your wife's the only thing I like about you.

[119] Is that true, Sona?

[120] It is, it is true.

[121] Yeah.

[122] But what an honest friend.

[123] Yeah, yeah.

[124] She's my favorite thing about Conan.

[125] Yeah, yeah.

[126] A lot of people have that.

[127] I was at a restaurant last night and I was sitting there alone because I had to go down.

[128] town and do a show, and I was putting my notes together, so I just went to grab a quick bite.

[129] And I'm name -dropping here, but Reese Witherspoon is at the next booth.

[130] And she's like, Conan, Conan, where's your wife?

[131] And I said, I'm just here alone.

[132] I'm working on my set list for this show I have to do tonight.

[133] And she said, I love Liza.

[134] I love your wife.

[135] And I went, yeah.

[136] And I'm thinking, what about me?

[137] What am I chopped?

[138] As they said back in the day, what about me?

[139] What am I chopped liver?

[140] You know, I'm right here.

[141] Chopped up liver.

[142] Chopped up liver.

[143] What am I?

[144] But, you know, but or, okay, this is the problem here, look, I'm rolling on my sleeves.

[145] We're about to dig in.

[146] What's that?

[147] What happened?

[148] Was there something on your skin?

[149] It's Elmer's glue, I think.

[150] We were making crafts last night.

[151] Or you were sniffing glue.

[152] Or I was sniffing.

[153] Is it good?

[154] Oh, it's toothpaste.

[155] Can you get, oh, it's toothpaste.

[156] Okay.

[157] It's toothpaste.

[158] For sure.

[159] You are wearing the, you need to switch glasses, okay?

[160] The lens you're looking through.

[161] Oh, this is a metaphor.

[162] I thought you meant I really do need different glasses.

[163] Yeah, those aren't working.

[164] Okay.

[165] I'm Reese Witherspoon.

[166] You didn't even recognize me. Yeah, exactly.

[167] I just saw a blonde blob, and I didn't know what was going on.

[168] Understandable, understandable.

[169] But Reese Witherspoon would never have crusty toothpaste on her form.

[170] Oh, God, no. Oh, God, no. You can't see within that situation how that's a compliment to you because you picked, not only did you pick your wife, but your wife loves you.

[171] And if your wife is so wonderful, her number one pick is you.

[172] You can't see that as a compliment?

[173] I'm not sure I was number one.

[174] Okay.

[175] She may have settled.

[176] Right.

[177] Who knows?

[178] Whatever her options were at the time.

[179] Yeah.

[180] But she did choose to be with you and all of these other people who gravitate towards your wife and her loveliness.

[181] Yeah.

[182] You're her number one.

[183] That's a compliment to you.

[184] She was, uh, it was between me and Ryan Gosling at the time.

[185] What, what was that?

[186] Nothing.

[187] I was, I don't know.

[188] Maybe she settled.

[189] I'm sorry.

[190] I'm sorry.

[191] This is awful.

[192] It's Ryan Gosling.

[193] Okay.

[194] Here's my theory about why you feel like you don't have friends.

[195] Because I personally know a lot of people that love you.

[196] Okay.

[197] And your time, your available time in your day is not the reason that you don't have friendships.

[198] Well, it is.

[199] But maybe you don't do enough self -care.

[200] I don't.

[201] What do you do for self -care?

[202] What do you do that's just for you?

[203] Wow.

[204] That's just for you.

[205] Not for the show, not for anything.

[206] Like, do listen to a podcast.

[207] Do you like?

[208] I do like, I like history.

[209] Okay.

[210] Dax and I have that in common.

[211] Yeah, like big books on tape.

[212] I like listening to long histories.

[213] If I go on a vacation with my family, everyone else is reading sort of like a light book.

[214] And I've got William Shire's Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, which is a big black book with a swastika on it.

[215] And I'm reading it in a bathing suit with a rum drink.

[216] And people think, what's with this freak?

[217] We're getting closer to why you don't have friends.

[218] We're getting closer.

[219] So, okay, so you read.

[220] So first of all, cover the book In like kitty stickers or something That's number one Does nobody wants a Can we swear on this podcast?

[221] Nobody wants a fucking swastika On their book.

[222] You know what I should have done Is put like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants jacket over that book So people thought I was reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants But I'm really reading about It was such a mistake.

[223] You couldn't fit any more context in your phone If you sat on the beach Reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants People will be coming up And dropping their phone number On your lap.

[224] Do you even know the plot of that?

[225] Is it?

[226] No, but, like, does somebody is missing their drawers, I'm assuming, huh?

[227] Someone else their slacks?

[228] No, there's jeans and different girls wear them, and does anyone understand Citrohood of the traveling pants?

[229] Well, all I know is there's a pair of pants that fits all of them.

[230] Oh.

[231] And it's, they're magical pants.

[232] Shared goal.

[233] It's like a community thing, something that bombs them together.

[234] Shared goal.

[235] Shared goal.

[236] So you don't have time, so your expectations are all scatty wampus.

[237] You don't have time.

[238] Did you say scatty wampus?

[239] Yeah.

[240] So if you want friends, you've got to make time for your friends, which means you've got to be like, what two hours a week can I carve out?

[241] You got to schedule it just like you schedule this podcast.

[242] You schedule this with me. You schedule the bits that you tape for your show.

[243] You schedule your show.

[244] What time do we shoot?

[245] When we shoot, guys, what time do we shoot?

[246] 4 .430.

[247] You schedule that.

[248] You make a little time for your buddies or some self -care.

[249] You go get your nails done.

[250] You take a bath.

[251] You go on a hike.

[252] I actually exercise quite a bit, but I never sit in a bath.

[253] because I don't have the patience to just sit.

[254] You probably don't fit well in the tub, too.

[255] I don't.

[256] Yeah, I know.

[257] My feet dangle off the end.

[258] Yeah.

[259] So basically it's just my torso in the bath.

[260] Okay, no, you're like, yeah, you're sitting in a sauce pan.

[261] So, like, maybe like a steam room or a sauna or get a massage or just go on a walk.

[262] By myself?

[263] Yeah.

[264] That's what I'm saying.

[265] You don't, you, you, you, you, you're maybe.

[266] Oh, my God, you guys.

[267] What?

[268] Maybe the people, the other people aren't the answer.

[269] Maybe you're the answer.

[270] Oh, my God.

[271] Maybe you need to become friends with yourself.

[272] We need to play dramatic music here or like music like a light, just enlightenment.

[273] Yeah.

[274] If we can afford it.

[275] Well, I'm noticing you take really good care of yourself.

[276] You have seven different drinks right here now.

[277] There's a green drink.

[278] I don't know what that is.

[279] This is water.

[280] This is just H2.

[281] That's water, but this looks like you took a rainforest and put it in a blender.

[282] Yeah, this is macha.

[283] This is macha, and then I got a protein shake in there and a green tea in there because I like, I hydrate a lot and I need to have different types of hydrations in order to feel safe.

[284] It's like, I don't know.

[285] I always have a big bag like that and it's always filled with just like bottle after bottle of different liquids.

[286] And sometimes I've got a coffee in there and mostly a matcha.

[287] I just, I need a lot of different drinks.

[288] And then I do waters because I don't like to come and waste the plastic water bottle, so.

[289] So you're going to the restroom every five minutes.

[290] No, weirdly not.

[291] I hold it like a camel.

[292] I don't know.

[293] This is interesting.

[294] So what I've picked up so far, and I'm not saying that you're wrong, is that I need to drink a lot of liquids.

[295] I need to realize that I'm the problem.

[296] And I need to walk by myself.

[297] Yeah.

[298] Okay.

[299] That's my diagnosis.

[300] And get a longer tub.

[301] Yeah.

[302] If you can find one.

[303] But those long tubs are probably so expensive.

[304] Yeah.

[305] Okay.

[306] Let's talk about this because that's interesting.

[307] You are a frugal woman.

[308] and I say that as a compliment.

[309] Big time.

[310] You are a big time, frugal woman.

[311] Is that come from just the way you were raised?

[312] I mean, you use coupons.

[313] But like, why not use a coupon?

[314] Exactly.

[315] Yes, the way I was raised.

[316] I mean, I grew up in Detroit.

[317] My husband and I were both like this, but I think that's because of where we grew up.

[318] There was, you know, a bit of a scarcity factor.

[319] So out here, I also work really hard for money.

[320] I also like to support things that I believe in, like charities and philanthropy endeavors.

[321] And so I like to have money.

[322] I prefer to have money to do that kind of stuff and then cut corners with myself.

[323] Not with myself.

[324] It's not like I'm like, you know, wearing holes in my shoes.

[325] But I have realized that spending like a ton of money on myself and not being responsible doesn't make me any happier.

[326] It actually makes me happier to like sort of penny pinch and then be like, oh, I can donate to this when I want to.

[327] That's incredibly, you have a great moral compass.

[328] You really do.

[329] Thank you.

[330] How much of that do you credit to Catholicism growing up Catholic?

[331] Oh, not a lot.

[332] Not a lot.

[333] I mean, no, no, no, because I definitely, like I went to Catholic school and grew up Catholic, but I am not Catholic.

[334] I am sort of of no religion.

[335] I'm a humanist.

[336] And I think, I mean, I suppose being in a community growing up, which I think sometimes churches do well.

[337] And they're, you know, I take a lot of issue with a lot of other things they do.

[338] But I think, I mean, I suppose being in a community growing up, which I think sometimes churches do well.

[339] And they're, you know, I take a lot of issue with a lot of other things they do.

[340] But I, but.

[341] I think community building does make you realize how to walk in someone else's shoes, how to recognize empathy and where it exists and sort of, yeah, figure out that you're not alone.

[342] I think that's really important.

[343] But I think that can be done within a church or within a theater group or within a baseball team or within your family, if you have a lot of siblings or even if you have none.

[344] You know, it's not, church isn't the only place.

[345] I had a similar thing growing up.

[346] I grew up in a very Catholic house.

[347] And I don't really think my morality came from the Catholic Church.

[348] I really do think so much of it is monkey see, monkey do.

[349] Oh, all of it is.

[350] And I, with my, you know, if my son ever is like somewhat rude to my wife or something, I'll say, do you ever see us talk to each other that way?

[351] And do we ever talk to you that way?

[352] And I can see him realize, oh, no, I've never, I don't witness that day to day.

[353] He can't argue with that.

[354] Whereas if he saw us constantly, don't cough, we can't.

[355] Clint's, sorry.

[356] I just need to us one of my drinks.

[357] Yeah, you didn't get enough of your 30 liters of algae.

[358] We do the same thing.

[359] And in fact, Dax always says when the girls are mean to me because I'm more of a pushover, he'll go, don't you dare talk to my wife that way.

[360] Like, he'll use it as a defense of me. And Bray Brown, who's one of my favorite writers, says you cannot give your children anything you do not have.

[361] So, like, I can't give my children the ability to have a good positive body image unless I have a good positive body image.

[362] So it's worth recognizing that if you want your children to grow up happy and well -rounded and be surrounded by friends, you have to show them that in your existence and self -care and all those things.

[363] You've got to give it to the – you got to show it to the little ones because they don't listen to Jack's shit that you say.

[364] They just ignore it.

[365] But when they see you talk to people or they see you act or they see you say, I need 20 minutes to go sit by myself and read or I need to meditate or I'm going to take a walk around the block or I'm going to exercise for my body or I'm going to take a nap or I'm going to call my mom.

[366] They witness those things.

[367] that's the the big rule I've always had with my kids is you have a lot of choices about what you're going to do with your life but you're going to be nice yeah like that is you're going to be polite and you're going to be nice that's the thing that I'm always on them for and my wife is to you know when we're in a restaurant and the waiter comes if if they're not making eye contact and saying hello thank you could I please have I'm all over them be nice to everybody be nice to people but in a genuine way, but just you have to, you know.

[368] And how old are your kids?

[369] They're in their late 50s.

[370] Okay.

[371] So they probably understand this a little bit more, but, like, mine are at, like, concept level.

[372] They don't listen to what we say and they don't really understand wise, but my husband is so good at giving everyone context.

[373] And I've learned from him that, like, when they're ordering, as opposed to going, like, look at her, look at her, because all, they're like, why?

[374] So my eye organ has to look at her organ while I, what does that have to do with me choosing a cheeseburger?

[375] But I say, like when they leave her, before they come up, I'll say, oh, look at the waiter.

[376] It looks like maybe he's been working here for all day today, and maybe he's got a family at home.

[377] Do you think he has kids?

[378] He might wish this day went by quicker so he could see his kids.

[379] He looks like he's a really hard worker because I see all those plates in his hand.

[380] He's doing a really great job.

[381] So identify the person that they should be kind to as another valuable human being.

[382] Right.

[383] So that they hopefully take the initiative to then recognize him.

[384] in an sort of empathic way that, oh, I should be nice to him.

[385] I want to say this.

[386] I want to say that in this town, in Los Angeles, in this business, I think what you're talking about is not that common, unfortunately.

[387] Yeah, and that's because people don't take the time to recognize that everyone else is also a human being that has a favorite color and a favorite ice cream and a mom that annoys them and, you know, someone that they're dating and a favorite pair of shoes.

[388] Everybody has those favorite things.

[389] It's not just you.

[390] But I think one of the biggest problems in Los Angeles is, and I've noticed this, there are other areas where you're forced to constantly be in contact, and it's a good thing.

[391] But whether you like it or not, you have to be in contact with people that have more than you, less than you.

[392] And here in Los Angeles, you can carve out a life.

[393] And I think increasingly this is what's happening in this country, because of technology, people can carve out a life where they get up in the morning, they get in their car, they go exactly to their place.

[394] And when they're in their car, they only listen to exactly the kind of music and news that they want to hear.

[395] They don't have to interact with anybody else.

[396] And then they get to the place where they do the specific thing.

[397] They order the exact things they want on Amazon.

[398] They watch the exact shows that give them pleasure.

[399] And they're never exposed to anything.

[400] Like a devil's advocate point of view or a person that thinks differently or just something.

[401] Well, look, look, it's normal for us as much.

[402] monkeys to want to do that.

[403] That's tribal.

[404] You want to find sameness always, but...

[405] So you believe in evolution.

[406] Yeah, I do.

[407] But...

[408] Okay, this is over.

[409] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[410] You should go.

[411] I'll take my drinks.

[412] Thank you for having me. I believe that we, uh, man was created in 1922.

[413] In 1922.

[414] Tell me more.

[415] Yeah, and all the animals.

[416] It was in 1922 and then we have implanted memories.

[417] Wait, this makes so much more sense than what I was...

[418] Don't you see what I'm talking about?

[419] Because I was looking at like archaeological records and like all this other...

[420] No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

[421] that's a mistake.

[422] That was all put there to trick us.

[423] Now that makes sense.

[424] Yes.

[425] Noah's Ark, and this is actually a true fact, Noah's Ark was built in 1919.

[426] So.

[427] By Russell Crow.

[428] Exactly.

[429] A guy who, I don't think he and I are becoming friends anytime soon.

[430] We're going to have to take a quick break.

[431] I don't know much about podcasts, but I think during this break, I'm going to make millions of dollars.

[432] Congratulations.

[433] Let's do this.

[434] Let's take a break.

[435] Now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[436] Yeah, I took out a big mortgage, beach house.

[437] Then I just, on an impulse, I built a big deck.

[438] Turns out it's not legal.

[439] I didn't get clearance.

[440] You just built it without asking anyone if it was okay to build?

[441] Yeah, I built it myself, and I'm not even a good builder.

[442] What?

[443] Yeah, that was stupid, too.

[444] That was really bad.

[445] No architectural drawings.

[446] Built it myself.

[447] Most of it fell down on its own, but then it turned out I had to remove the rest because it was illegal.

[448] So anyway I'll say it We're back Thank you I'm new to this podcast thing How long have you been doing this?

[449] I think 48 hours Straight?

[450] No Yeah, 48 hours straight I'm on a lithium drip I've been doing this This is pretty new I have to say And there's a bunch of things I really like about it And actually today When I was driving in And I was excited to come in and talk to you.

[451] I'm driving to work.

[452] And I started to think to myself, oh, I need to get there a little early to leave time from makeup.

[453] And then I realized, no, you get to just look at my, let's admit, rapidly aging face.

[454] I'll be honest, Irish men after 50 were just like.

[455] That pale skin.

[456] I mean, look, I'm right around the corner.

[457] That pale skin, I wish we had some spice in us because we're doomed.

[458] You're going to be beautiful forever.

[459] You are.

[460] There's a gene inside a certain kind of Irish male where he looks okay for a while and then around 50 the gene triggers and our heads become sort of a bloated orange massive cauliflower.

[461] Wow.

[462] Just like a and our bodies fall apart and that's happening.

[463] That's happening to me and I'm fighting it.

[464] I'm going to do whatever I can.

[465] I'm going to get radical surgery.

[466] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[467] Just pull it, tape it.

[468] I don't do what Lucille Ball did.

[469] You know what Lucille Ball did?

[470] No. She used to use tape and she would tape.

[471] Oh, yeah.

[472] Everyone still does that.

[473] Oh, she used tape and then she put the big orange wig on top of it.

[474] On top of it.

[475] There's a lot of people who still men and women who take like the sides of their cheeks or their forehead and then they, and especially even back here.

[476] And what I'm doing for the viewer is holding my, my guess, mandible and pulling it back towards the lobes of my ears and then they tape it back there.

[477] But you've got to hide the tape.

[478] Yeah, but you can hide that with like, you know, a little like teasing of the hair.

[479] But see, that's easier for women.

[480] They're not using like blue painters tape.

[481] They're using clear tape.

[482] Oh, I was imagining painters tape.

[483] No, no, no, no, no. I was imagining.

[484] That's my bad.

[485] I should have specified it.

[486] I was imagining Dora the Explorer Band -Aids that are big and colorful.

[487] You know what I think I'm going to do?

[488] And I don't want to get any kind of surgery.

[489] And I love working and I love being on television.

[490] I love the whole thing.

[491] But I don't want to get any kind of surgery to fix my face.

[492] So what I'm going to do now that.

[493] that I'm, you know, slowly aging is use tape.

[494] I'm going to use tape, but I'm going to switch to a wig.

[495] Okay.

[496] Because the wig will hide the tape.

[497] Don't you see?

[498] If it's a clear tape and it'll be like what Lucille Ball did.

[499] You'll never, ever, not in this town or any other town, get a wig as good as that hair.

[500] I've got gray hair.

[501] You've got gray hair.

[502] Yeah.

[503] I have game show host hair.

[504] You know, I get excited when I see it.

[505] I'm like, here's Conan.

[506] That's right.

[507] The hair and makeup is very annoying and podcasts don't require anything of you my husband loves doing his podcast because he he just has to sit there i couldn't believe how he doesn't have to do hair and makeup laziest job in the world and here's why he's so built for it he loves asking intimate questions to strangers yeah he's always the person that is asked gets way too intimate way too quick and that's literally now his job on that podcast i was shocked i did his podcast i loved it he's terrific uh he's terrific interviewer but i was really a surprise he just sits in this big uh it's a lazy boy it's a big it's a big lazy boy and he's got a microphone near his face but his posture isn't good he's he's he's collapsed in the lazy boy uh like he's just settled in maximum comfort he's at maximum comfort have you did you sit in it he probably didn't let it no he didn't let me sit in it the most comfortable chair on the planet and look it's slightly bulky for my opinion i bought it for him because i put it in his office when he was working here did you use coupons did you get it for any a good rate i paid a premium i paid a premium for that chair it's a very good chair but it's a lazy boy chair and it kicks back, and it's the most comfortable thing I've ever sat in.

[508] So I bought – do you know about this whole – we made this a pretty public saga at the time, but a couple years ago.

[509] I bought it for his office, and then his office here at Warner Brothers closed because the project ended.

[510] He brought it home.

[511] It put it in my living room.

[512] Well, I was like, excuse me, which would have been fine to discuss, except he put it directly in front of the couch facing the television.

[513] Not angled towards like a nice fengue here's the living room.

[514] No fengue.

[515] No Feng Shui.

[516] Literally, let me describe this.

[517] So the couch is up against the wall and let's say that's the TV.

[518] So the couch faces the television.

[519] He put it in the middle like in front of the coffee table facing the television.

[520] I was like, what are you doing?

[521] That's an act of war.

[522] That's an aggressive act.

[523] Literally.

[524] And I have posted photos of me watching a movie looking at the back of his head.

[525] I said, this is so unacceptable.

[526] And guess what?

[527] I couldn't lift the chair.

[528] So I couldn't move it.

[529] It's a big chair.

[530] It's so heavy and it's so well made.

[531] And it's so.

[532] comfortable.

[533] So I'm mad at it, but I also love it.

[534] So when he got the podcast and he started doing it in the attic, he moved the chair up to the attic.

[535] Yeah.

[536] The whole time I was talking to him, I was just thinking he is so comfortable and I am not.

[537] Yeah.

[538] Because the chair I was sitting in is the kind.

[539] Yeah.

[540] It's something that you, it's the chair.

[541] A nurse makes you sit in, you know, an iron chair while she draws blood, you know, in a clinic that's not well run.

[542] We got to do better for our guests.

[543] Because the other thing about that podcast room is it doesn't have a door on the bathroom, which he finds...

[544] I did notice that.

[545] Totally acceptable.

[546] And I am just apoplectic about...

[547] There's also a window in the bathroom.

[548] It doesn't have a...

[549] So I urinated after the podcast because I drank a lot of water, channeling you.

[550] And there is no curtain.

[551] And the...

[552] I don't know how to say this, but there's...

[553] It's just open to the street, that window.

[554] Well, it's open to the street and to the other people in the room.

[555] Yes.

[556] And so I was urinating.

[557] And let's just say...

[558] everything's out, you know, as it has to be when a man urinates.

[559] And I'm thinking it would be so easy right now for someone to get a shot of me with my Don Johnson and just assuming that's what everyone calls theirs.

[560] Yeah, it's not an ideal situation, but he seems to think it's acceptable.

[561] And, like, we had Katie Couric in there.

[562] And I was, I was, like, trying to welcome her and be, like, a host.

[563] Because I put, like, little candles in there for him and, like, try to make it nice.

[564] And, like, I was like, Katie, I'm so sorry that.

[565] You have to pee, and she was like, there's no door on the bathroom.

[566] I'm not going to pee in here.

[567] And I was like, secretly, I was like, yes, Katie, stand up for yourself.

[568] But look, that's like his kits.

[569] He likes it.

[570] It makes him laugh that there's no door on the bathroom.

[571] Yeah.

[572] You're a very understanding.

[573] You love him for who he is.

[574] I do.

[575] He's a lovable guy.

[576] Very.

[577] He's a lot to love.

[578] But I love how accepting you are of other people.

[579] I have realistic expectations.

[580] I cannot change anyone else.

[581] It's not my podcast.

[582] I'm allowed to put a lavender -scented candle in there.

[583] But I'm, you know, it's not my podcast.

[584] He's allowed to treat his guests how he wants to treat them.

[585] Yeah.

[586] I want to ask you quickly, and people don't know this about us that much, but we both have motorcycle licenses.

[587] Ah, yes.

[588] And I know that was something that I just always wanted to do at some point, and I did it a bunch of years ago.

[589] And I have all these rules with my bike.

[590] Like, I don't, I ride it when no one else is around.

[591] I'm very, I think I'm extremely safe, you know.

[592] This is one of yourself, It is a self -care item.

[593] So you should make some time for that more.

[594] The problem is my wife not happy.

[595] Her deal was she said you can buy a motorcycle if it never leaves the living room.

[596] She really doesn't want me out on a motorcycle.

[597] Are you a good driver or no?

[598] I am good.

[599] Really?

[600] I mean, as compared to what?

[601] Well, compared to a bad driver.

[602] No, no. Oh, very good.

[603] Very good.

[604] I understand.

[605] Just try and follow me here, okay?

[606] Okay.

[607] Now I feel like one of your children.

[608] Because I have the same nerves about my husband riding.

[609] Well, he's an excellent.

[610] That's the reason that I have to shut up about it.

[611] He's an excellent.

[612] I mean, he's been doing it his whole life.

[613] No, am I in his league not even close?

[614] But I don't know.

[615] It's very hard to describe to people.

[616] It sounds like, oh, you're just, you're having some midlife crisis.

[617] It's like, no, it really is something I was really, I rode bicycles for a really long time.

[618] And I always thought this would be much more.

[619] fun if there was an engine on this thing.

[620] Yeah.

[621] It feels good to my husband, too.

[622] It feels the same way.

[623] And I don't necessarily have that same feeling, but I have that feeling in other areas, and I'm able to understand that that is very important to him and that it's not anything that I'm going to get him to stop doing.

[624] Or what I want him to stop doing if it's something that really makes him feel happy.

[625] Would you be willing to talk to my wife about this?

[626] I love your wife.

[627] Of course, I talk to your wife.

[628] See, look at this.

[629] Everyone lights up when it.

[630] Everyone lights up when Eliza, you know, oh, Liza.

[631] Take it as a compliment.

[632] I will.

[633] I will.

[634] I feel bad for Ryan Gosselin.

[635] He blew it.

[636] I do want to compliment you.

[637] It is very hard for my entire family to find one show that everybody likes that matches my.

[638] I'm such a comedy snob and good place is the best show.

[639] It really is.

[640] It really is.

[641] The writing is brilliant.

[642] The performances are great.

[643] And I think it's one of the most unique comedies that's been made.

[644] I mean, in the last 10 years.

[645] I couldn't be happier at that job.

[646] Would you be cool if that was what the afterlife, would you be, would you accept that version of the afterlife?

[647] Well, yes and no, because the show is about our characters did not get in or are having trouble getting in.

[648] So I don't know that I, look, two separate questions.

[649] If Mike Schur ran my afterlife, 100%.

[650] Right.

[651] It would be entertaining.

[652] Even if you were in hell, it would be entertaining.

[653] Yes.

[654] But there's things that we have like things like.

[655] toilet spiders and, you know, all these crazy things he's invented in hell.

[656] But I think that it should be easier for people to get rewarded for good behavior.

[657] Yeah.

[658] Being human is very hard.

[659] Well, maybe that's what we learned today.

[660] I'm a guy that likes to summarize.

[661] Okay.

[662] I'm also a guy that likes to wax his chest.

[663] But I don't know why you needed to know that.

[664] I'm hard to summarize because I'm a nonlinear thinker and speaker and like somewhat of a scatterbrain.

[665] So, like, I make a whole bunch of weird points that don't often connect and just talk and talk.

[666] So it's...

[667] I have not found that to be true.

[668] Really?

[669] No, not at all.

[670] I can tell that you read a lot.

[671] I can tell that you're always on the hunt for...

[672] New information.

[673] New information.

[674] And what's the way to be?

[675] I'm hungry.

[676] I'm curious.

[677] You're hungry because you're only drinking liquids.

[678] I'm on an all liquid diet.

[679] Really?

[680] No. What are you going to...

[681] You had a bagel?

[682] Yeah.

[683] I had two eggs this morning and then I had a bagel.

[684] Yeah, but you put them in a blender first and then drank them.

[685] Yeah, but everybody does that.

[686] I don't think so.

[687] Oh.

[688] I want to end by saying my goal in the next year is I want to have one dinner with my wife and I and you and Dax.

[689] I'd like us to fight over the check, but then I'd like to win and pay for it.

[690] I can be a part of this plan.

[691] This is a reasonable expectation.

[692] This is not an expensive restaurant.

[693] Okay.

[694] I know a place in Santa Monica that takes a whole fish, takes a whole fish and puts it in a blender.

[695] And then everyone gets a big beerstein and they drink the fish out of the beerstein.

[696] Okay, take that blender, drive it from Santa Monica to the east side of Los Angeles.

[697] Okay?

[698] And then we can do it.

[699] You know what I'm going to do?

[700] I'm going to take the bus.

[701] I'm going to take the bus.

[702] You can stop right in front of my house.

[703] Right in front of your house.

[704] Yeah.

[705] And I can bring raw blended fish with me. Can I tell you how excited I'm getting for this dinner date?

[706] Because all the things you're saying, just the blender and the fish and the bus stop.

[707] You're an amazing actor.

[708] You really had me believing that you were excited about this.

[709] Well, thank you very much.

[710] I know how busy you are, but I just adore you and your husband.

[711] And it was nothing less than an honor to have you come in and chat with me, really.

[712] Thanks for having me. Yeah, this is really uplifting.

[713] And I mean that, sincerely.

[714] I really do.

[715] Oh, good.

[716] You're a very uplifting person.

[717] Thanks.

[718] And we'll agree that no one has to wear makeup at our dinner party.

[719] How we made up.

[720] Okay.

[721] I'm going to have my face tape, and I'll be wearing a very obvious red wig.

[722] Now that Conan's out of the room, you can speak frankly and freely.

[723] What is the likelihood that you think you'd be friends with Conan in the future or after this?

[724] It's high.

[725] I'm going to be honest.

[726] Yeah, it's high.

[727] Can I tell you you're the first?

[728] Really.

[729] Well, I like a good challenge.

[730] And Conan is somewhat of a grump.

[731] And I like to...

[732] uplift the grumps shared goals yeah good thank you very much okay it's time for a segment i invented called true or false with sona mowsessi and you ready to go sona not really you don't like these do you i hate i hate these they're good because they explore the truth of our dynamic this one is from today oh here we go uh you know that i am a hard worker i was up pretty late last night doing a live show downtown didn't get a ton of sleep tried to sleep in a little bit this morning worked out and then i'm rushing to work so that i can get here in time to record the podcast and i don't want to be late i'm a professional and i have our text exchanged as i'm racing racing to get here hold on don't say anything this is the exact exchange right from my phone i took a screenshot i said and i was hoping that you would set this up i'd like to conference matt g and Adam on the way in.

[733] You wrote back, okay, I'm making a bagel in the kitchen.

[734] True or false?

[735] I think we know it's true because I just read it.

[736] It's true.

[737] Obviously, it's true.

[738] Okay.

[739] You wrote, you screenshot it.

[740] You have the evidence.

[741] It's true.

[742] I can't even lie.

[743] And also I wouldn't want.

[744] How does what you say follow what I said?

[745] How does that, how does that follow in any way?

[746] I said, I got to set up, we got to set up this conference call with these two guys for the podcast that's happening in 20 minutes, and you said, okay, I'm making a bagel in the kitchen.

[747] We have a little kitchen here at the show.

[748] Here's what I, I remember sending that text.

[749] Here's where I was at.

[750] You sent me that text, and I was mid -spread on my bagel.

[751] Right.

[752] I was like, do I abort this mission right now and go back and set up this conference call?

[753] Or do I finish this, you know, take care of my bagel, and then take that with me and then do this conference call.

[754] And I made the executive decision that it takes, that it would have taken two minutes.

[755] But I didn't want you to think that I was ignoring you.

[756] What I should have done was make my bagel quietly do it, go back to my desk and just been like, sure, fire away.

[757] Yes.

[758] I think it's fair to say that you're too honest with me sometimes.

[759] That's fair to say.

[760] I think it's fair to say that I'll say to you, yeah, things are tight.

[761] I've been working real hard.

[762] the margins are thin I'm on the run I got to get there help me with this thing and you'll say I'm making a bagel and it almost sounds like I hate this so much a craftier person here's what I and this is a compliment which is all disguised as a slam you are without guile you are not deceptive you don't lie no you are one of the most honest people I've ever met to a fault Here's what I hate about this segment is I sent that to you, and you didn't respond, which is never...

[763] Oh, you know why?

[764] It's never good.

[765] You know why?

[766] Because I knew I had the goods.

[767] You are now reserving, just shitting on me for the podcast.

[768] It ended in a compliment.

[769] It did.

[770] But you're reserving it now instead of, I am.

[771] I take responsibility every time I do something wrong.

[772] I think there's nothing wrong with letting you know.

[773] Your text has been received here is my status.

[774] My status.

[775] I am at bagel preparation status.

[776] I am in bagel prep stage of my day.

[777] And when that has been completed, we will address the concerns.

[778] Here's my question.

[779] Are you upset because I didn't drop everything I was doing?

[780] You don't get it.

[781] I'm not upset at all.

[782] You know that.

[783] That's the worst.

[784] But you know I'm not upset.

[785] I wasn't upset for a second when you sent that.

[786] I got that.

[787] I looked at what I said.

[788] We got to set this thing up.

[789] Time is tight.

[790] And you wrote back, I'm making a bagel.

[791] And I thought, this is great.

[792] I have this for the podcast.

[793] This is amazing.

[794] But I just, I knew I had you.

[795] And I knew that I was going to be able to use this, you know, for the amusement of others.

[796] Oh, good.

[797] You brought joy to a lot of people right now.

[798] At least, at least, I don't know how podcasts work, but I'm guessing in the hundreds of millions.

[799] Oh, wow.

[800] These are worldwide, I think.

[801] And this is going to go huge.

[802] I think you enjoy your staff's ineptitude more than anybody else.

[803] I root against my staff.

[804] Really?

[805] Yes, because when my staff fails, I love making fun of them more than I like things going well at the show.

[806] Yes.

[807] I would rather, any project we're working on, whether it's the TV show or the podcast or anything, I would rather have it not be as good, but I catch staff members making a mistake and I get to have fun with it.

[808] Yeah.

[809] That is my insanity.

[810] I love it.

[811] I actively root against everyone who works from me. As your new producer, do you know how nervous this makes me?

[812] Oh, you, I can't believe they didn't warn you about me. No, not really, but I got it pretty quickly, I think.

[813] Yeah, it's, uh, look, this morning we were talking on the phone and you were pitching out some ideas and, uh, if there was one I didn't really love.

[814] You hung up.

[815] I didn't hang up.

[816] I didn't hang up, but I, can't you tell I'm joking.

[817] joyous.

[818] I have a lot of energy when I hear something I don't like and I love to go on a long long, I would say not a cruel, but a long riff.

[819] You're pure Schadenfreude.

[820] Yeah, I just, exactly.

[821] I just, Schadenfreude is my favorite German sausage.

[822] It's rooting for us.

[823] But this crazy thing is that I do it with everyone here is working to help me. And I actually, I mean, and I really do love the people I work with.

[824] I'm being as honest as I can be.

[825] I love the people I work with.

[826] I don't know you well enough.

[827] That was a blanket statement.

[828] I love Sona, Blaze in the room.

[829] There's Will.

[830] I don't know some of these other guys.

[831] I'm going to be honest with you.

[832] I don't know who you, you know, you're creeping around.

[833] Who are you?

[834] That's John.

[835] No, John's only been with me for like eight years.

[836] You got to be in, John, you got to be in like 15 years before you're in the club.

[837] But the point is, I really do love the people I work with.

[838] I think I'm a good boss in in a lot of ways.

[839] But the insane thing about me is the joy I take in things going wrong.

[840] Yeah.

[841] And even if it hurts the overall endeavor, I don't understand.

[842] Someone help me. I don't either.

[843] How many times a day would you say in the time that you've known me, I've said out loud to a room full of people, someone please take me to the hospital.

[844] Oh, I think you say it every 20 minutes.

[845] Yeah.

[846] Someone please take me in the hospital.

[847] And that is, and because you're all, you're all making a living off of my sickness.

[848] Wow.

[849] Kind of.

[850] Well, the pay will, listen, this thing's going to explode.

[851] All right.

[852] And when it does, you are going to be dressed like a pimp.

[853] You know, right now you're in your, whatever, your Los Feles, cool, hip.

[854] I don't live in Los Feles.

[855] I don't, I don't want to know where you live.

[856] You're wearing that shirt that's like, maybe I'm a prospector, but maybe also I, I, I, I work.

[857] for a podcast.

[858] Can I mention that you have a fob of, I think, who is that?

[859] It's not a fob?

[860] It's a pen.

[861] Yes, it's, this is, I love this.

[862] This is a, I was in Mexico City.

[863] We shot a show there and I wanted to go see the home where Trotsky got an ice bag through the head.

[864] Okay, it's Trotsky, yeah.

[865] So I got this, when I was there, there's a gift shop.

[866] You have a pendant brooch of Trotsky hanging off your pocket, right?

[867] Because I was there, I earned it.

[868] It's not something I ordered like you on eBay to try and get points when I'm getting my Moka Chai Chappo.

[869] This I got because I'm the only late -night host, maybe the only entertainer in America who's ever gone to the home where Trotsky was murdered.

[870] And not only that, I then went to the gift shop and bought this little pendant that has a picture of Trotsky and one of my favorite thing is that I've had more than one person walk up and go, point to it and go, oh, I love Borat too.

[871] They think it's a Borat pin.

[872] I thought it was a bit from like a prop from a segment on your show where you played your own ancestor or something.

[873] No, no, no, that's Trotsky.

[874] Trotsky, for those of you listening, who don't know, will quickly become a history podcast.

[875] Trotsky was one of the founders of the revolution, the Russian Revolution, with Lenin and people like Stalin.

[876] And then, of course, when Stalin took power, Trotsky was out.

[877] So Trotsky had to run away, and he ran away, and he ran all the way to Mexico City.

[878] And he thought he was safe.

[879] But Stalin doesn't give up on a grudge.

[880] So we sent a guy with an ice pick.

[881] It's very Russian.

[882] Yeah, very Russian.

[883] Your husband is part Russian.

[884] No, no. He's Armenian.

[885] He grew up in the Soviet Union.

[886] Right.

[887] So he speaks Russian.

[888] Yeah, but he also has a certain Russian sensibility because he grew up in the Russian Soviet system.

[889] That's true.

[890] That's all I meant by that.

[891] Yeah, no, that's very true.

[892] Here's the interesting thing.

[893] You like going places where people died.

[894] Yes.

[895] I've realized.

[896] When you travel, you're like, that's where so -and -so was bashed in the ahead with a baseball bat.

[897] Let's go to that house.

[898] I go to those places the way other people go to Disneyland.

[899] Is that a real place like you went to the Hogan's Heroes guy's house?

[900] I haven't been to his house.

[901] It wasn't a house, by the way.

[902] Bob Crane.

[903] First of all, let's get our facts straight.

[904] I'm sorry.

[905] Okay.

[906] The apartment?

[907] It was Bob Crane, who played Hogan, Hogan's Heroes at the time, was doing regional theater.

[908] And he was staying in sort of the equivalent of kind of a hotel but kind of a weekly apartment sort of place.

[909] I apologize.

[910] Yeah, that's all right.

[911] And yeah, he was bludgeoned in his room.

[912] Most likely, and I'm risking a lawsuit here by his best friend at the time who escaped prosecution.

[913] Let's not talk about that anymore.

[914] I haven't been there.

[915] I haven't made the pilgrimage to go to Arizona and see that hotel.

[916] That's on my list, though, my bucket list.

[917] I'll get there.

[918] I want to make that a family pilgrimage.

[919] Oh, my God.

[920] I want the whole family to go.

[921] I don't know if you want to talk about this.

[922] When I first started working for you, I remember I had to drive you home and we drove by the house where Sharon Tate was murdered.

[923] Yeah, and you can't drive past that house.

[924] You've got to drive all the way up.

[925] Yeah.

[926] That's most fearless, right?

[927] No. You know, are you just here to throw out misinformation?

[928] I might be.

[929] Oh, wait.

[930] So that's your job?

[931] That's your job?

[932] I think you're thinking of the murder house.

[933] The murder house.

[934] No, this is the Palanski Place.

[935] The Plansky Place is.

[936] It's actually at the top of, I think it's El Cello.

[937] It is, Il -C -L -O.

[938] Sorry, that's just the kind of thing I had in my head.

[939] You said L -C -L -O, it's E -L -C -L -O.

[940] That's all right.

[941] Oh, how's that bagel?

[942] I just love correcting you.

[943] Yeah, okay.

[944] Well, you showed me. I said Elle instead of ill. You made a bagel while Rome burned.

[945] You just needed to go on a conference call.

[946] All right, we're going to get some stuff straight here.

[947] Gourley?

[948] Yeah.

[949] Gourley, you've got to get it together.

[950] I apologize.

[951] If you're going to interject things.

[952] Yeah.

[953] Like the house where Bob Crane was killed, which is incorrect, or if you're going to interject that, oh, yeah, does Sharon Tate, Polansky House, that's in Los Felais, incorrect.

[954] I mean, that's going to be a stick and the spoke of the wheel that is the bicycle that is this podcast.

[955] Right.

[956] The other murders were in Los Felas, but not Sharon Tate.

[957] Yeah, but you've got to be, you're thinking about La Bianca.

[958] Yeah.

[959] Yeah, and I appreciate the fact -checking.

[960] I do.

[961] I think it's important.

[962] I didn't want to have a harsh tone.

[963] I'm tough on you because I see great potential.

[964] Thank you.

[965] That means a lot.

[966] I appreciate that.

[967] I really do think that one day, I think you're going to go on to great things.

[968] And that's why Burgess Meredith was tough.

[969] Yeah.

[970] You know, the coat, what's his name?

[971] Mickey?

[972] Thank you.

[973] See?

[974] Mickey.

[975] Yeah.

[976] The trainer was tough on Rocky.

[977] I got that right.

[978] Yeah.

[979] Are you Mickey?

[980] No. He's Mickey.

[981] He's Mickey.

[982] Maybe.

[983] Wait, I'm Stallone.

[984] What?

[985] No, you're not.

[986] I'm sorry.

[987] You're tough on him.

[988] You're Mickey.

[989] He's Stallone.

[990] He's Rocky.

[991] Oh, no. This is a bad allergy then.

[992] He can't be Rocky.

[993] Why, you just want to be Rocky?

[994] Did you just say allergy?

[995] Allergy.

[996] This is a bad allergy?

[997] Did I say allergy?

[998] I think you did.

[999] I think you said.

[1000] You know what I've said lately?

[1001] I've said lately I'm worried that I have something wrong with my brain because I'm very good at saying the right word and lately the right word isn't coming out.

[1002] This podcast may turn out to be a chronicle of my decline.

[1003] Well, it seems like we're all in some way each other's Mickey and Stallone and Miyagi and Daniel and it's going to be interesting to see where this goes.

[1004] I refuse to accept that.

[1005] Really?

[1006] Yes.

[1007] I will not be Mickey to your Stallone.

[1008] You think I'm like training and mentoring you?

[1009] I mean, I'll take it, but it seems I don't know where that puts you.

[1010] I don't care.

[1011] I'm his drunk buddy.

[1012] Oh, you know who you are?

[1013] Yeah, who's that guy.

[1014] You're Bert Young.

[1015] Your actor, Bert Young.

[1016] You're Talia Shire's brother.

[1017] That's right.

[1018] You're an alcoholic.

[1019] That feels right.

[1020] And a bully, and you work in a meatpacking plant.

[1021] Yeah, that feels spot on.

[1022] And I am Stallone.

[1023] Sculpted Adonis, one of the biggest stars of the 70s, 80s, 90s.

[1024] And then I think, I don't know what he's doing now.

[1025] Do you need to go to a hospital?

[1026] I would like to go to a hospital right now.

[1027] Let's go.

[1028] I want a good television, good flat screen, and I want pudding.

[1029] and I want to stay there for two weeks and I want it to be a good bed Yeah, okay All right Let's take you to the hospital Let's go Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Sonam O 'Sessian And Conan O 'Brien as himself Produced by me, Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1030] Got a question for Conan?

[1031] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1032] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1033] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downwind.

[1034] This has been a Team Coco production.

[1035] in association with Ewol.