Armchair Anonymous: Caught

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dax Randall Shepard.

[5] I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman.

[6] Hello there.

[7] Hello there.

[8] Today we're going to talk to armcherrys who have been caught.

[9] Yes, this ended up being much more.

[10] fun than I expected.

[11] You thought it was going to be all getting busted, blowing side pieces.

[12] Yeah.

[13] And I was like, okay, that'll be fine, but it'll just be a lot of sort of the same thing.

[14] Not one.

[15] No, it wasn't same old, same old.

[16] It wasn't.

[17] It was four completely original and new and catch you off guard stories.

[18] Yes.

[19] I'll tell you, I think a sign of when we get a great, great story on here is when I then tell it to all of our friends slowly nonstop.

[20] And then I even am telling people, and they're like, you already told me that story.

[21] That's when I know, like, we got a bingo on here.

[22] Uh -huh.

[23] So the video camera one, I mean, that is as endearing as it gets.

[24] That's my brand of favorite story is when something that's so sweetly embarrassing and endearing.

[25] Yes.

[26] Like falling on the steps at the movie theater.

[27] Yeah.

[28] When you're holding extra large popcorn, X large diacogic.

[29] Flies everywhere.

[30] It's just assholes and elbows.

[31] Cartoon.

[32] cartoon style listen this is a great episode you can listen well let me just glance if there's anyone you shouldn't listen oh hold on let's see is there one you shouldn't listen to no you can listen to all these yeah so go ahead and continue and please enjoy arm cherries getting caught all times come and go take them slow you gotta know I'm gonna keep on shiny hello guys how you on.

[33] Hi.

[34] Wonderful.

[35] Is this Ben?

[36] This is.

[37] You can hear and see me, okay?

[38] Yes.

[39] And you kind of have a charming accent?

[40] I do.

[41] It's been contaminated by a U .S. accent because I now live here, but I'm from Western Australia.

[42] I'm from Perth.

[43] Yeah, you sound like you're from Perth.

[44] You sound like Ricardo.

[45] Yes, exactly like Danny.

[46] Funny that my uncle works closely with Danny as he was growing up.

[47] He works for Barbage Gallos, which is where they have the race course in Perth.

[48] So I've got this cute little note from when I grew up from Danny saying, good luck with your future endeavors.

[49] Oh, wow.

[50] That's so cute.

[51] Ding, ding, ding.

[52] The story today actually takes place in Perth.

[53] Oh, great.

[54] Do you go back often?

[55] I actually only went back in December for the first time in four years, which was overwhelming, but COVID had me stuck in the States.

[56] I think I'm going to go to Perth in September.

[57] For what?

[58] I'm going to go to Danny's ranch and ride motorcycles and ride go cars.

[59] How fun.

[60] Oh, my God.

[61] That's great.

[62] You'll love it.

[63] I mean, the flight is ungodly long.

[64] Right, because it's past Sydney.

[65] Another five hours.

[66] So imagine doing like 16 hours from the West Coast and then you're getting to Sydney and then another five -hour flight.

[67] It's worth it, though.

[68] You're going to hang out with Danny.

[69] So there's no direct to Perth from L .A. From the West Coast, I would go across the Pacific to Melbourne or Sydney.

[70] I go from Chicago to London and then there's a direct flight London to Perth.

[71] So it's two flights no matter what.

[72] Oh, wow.

[73] You could stay up in London for a day or two.

[74] Oh, I love London.

[75] I know.

[76] It's the best.

[77] Okay, you got caught, Ben, and you're going to be brave enough to tell us about it.

[78] What happened?

[79] I'm embarrassed because I hope it's not too G -rated, but it was very uncharacteristic of me. But I was in Perth.

[80] It was 10 years ago.

[81] I was studying in college, living in a sharehouse.

[82] And I worked a casual job at a store similar to, like, the foot locker.

[83] We call it the athlete's foot, which I've realized there's a foot disease in the U .S., which is kind of funny.

[84] Yes.

[85] It was one of those shoes.

[86] The person comes in wanting specific shoes, so we were really well trained, and I took pride in, like, position.

[87] and I needed to save a lot of money because I was four months later going to the US on a semester exchange for school and then I was going to finish that semester and work at a summer camp in the US.

[88] So I was saving all this money.

[89] And one shift, the brand reps would come in and this new balance rep came in and I was wearing Nike's, you know, typical schmoozing rep was like, oh my gosh, Ben, I noticed you don't have new balance.

[90] You should get yourself a pair.

[91] And I was stoked.

[92] I was like, that's great.

[93] I would love one.

[94] Do I get one for free?

[95] And he was like, no, no, no, I can give you a code.

[96] you hop on the site and you can buy yourself a pair or give you a good discount.

[97] He said, go on to the wholesale site, the site that you get really considerable discount.

[98] And it's a 75 % of wholesale.

[99] So I was like, this is awesome.

[100] I'm going to get like really cheap shoes and I get to wear them at work.

[101] So I go home that night and I'm on my laptop and I wanted to test to see if the code worked first.

[102] I picked a random pair of shoes, went to the shopping cart to check out, apply the code and it worked.

[103] And I was like, great.

[104] Then my like naive 19 year old brain was like, I wonder if this.

[105] code works for everything, or is it just the shoes that I'm purchasing?

[106] Because the New Balance wholesale store sells, like, not only shoes, but bags, apparel, like a lot of different stuff.

[107] Sure.

[108] So I threw in a backpack and like a t -shirt, go back to the checkout and lo and behold, it's 75 % off anything on that one purchase.

[109] At this time, I'm like a pretty innocent rule following 19 year old.

[110] So nothing malicious crossed my mind, but what sparked an idea of like, I can load up on stuff and I don't have to spend loads of money buying, you know, ski stuff for Minnesota and like all these new shoes for camp, et cetera.

[111] I'm just going to get loads of stuff on this.

[112] And I set myself a budget.

[113] So I'm like, 900 to $1 ,000, Ben, because that's what you've budgeted, that you're going to spend on the site.

[114] Oh, my God.

[115] Hold on a second.

[116] Hold on.

[117] Yeah, we got a, we got a break in here and just compute this.

[118] You went from, it sounded like you were pretty frugal.

[119] Yeah.

[120] So now your budget sounds insane to me. I couldn't pick out $1 ,000 with the New Balance stuff at full price, I don't think.

[121] I mean, I don't know what, I mean, how many backpacks?

[122] Exactly, Monica.

[123] I'm going to look like a New Balance sponsored athlete because everything I own is going to be New Balance.

[124] For example, it ended up being like four or five pairs of shoes, trainers, some nice New Balance shoes, some hiking boots.

[125] And then I got long pants, like three different pairs of nice sweatpants.

[126] And it just added up.

[127] And like two big duffel bags that are worth hundreds and hundreds of dollars.

[128] So I did this.

[129] And then right before checking out, I was like, I lived in a sharehouse with five other people.

[130] Here we go.

[131] And I thought I'd just be really kind and generous.

[132] And I texted in the group chat.

[133] I said, guys, you wouldn't believe it.

[134] I've got this great discount.

[135] And I pulled my laptop out to the kitchen counter.

[136] And everyone at the sharehouse that night came into the kitchen.

[137] And I said, take your time.

[138] But don't press check out.

[139] We'll take like a tab of who got what.

[140] I'll pay for it on my credit card.

[141] At the end, you guys can just pay me back and we'll do the purchase.

[142] So I kind of like went away to my room while the laptop was out in the kitchen and I heard like giggling and talking.

[143] And before I knew it, everyone kind of did the same thing I did.

[144] So got roughly 900 to 1 ,000.

[145] Oh, good.

[146] It ended up being like a tab of like $27 ,000 worth of stuff, discounted $23 ,000.

[147] So the end purchase was like $6 ,000, which was huge for us.

[148] Well, can I just add that's about the volume that an athlete's foot is ordering as a store.

[149] This is definitely going to send some flags up.

[150] Not once did it cross my mind that this could be incriminating.

[151] So we got to the end and my friends were kind of skeptical.

[152] They're like, Ben, this is not going to work.

[153] And I was like, well, we can just try.

[154] Let me put in my credit card and we'll see if it's approved.

[155] We're all in the kitchen.

[156] It was one of those moments we were like all huddled over and I pressed like approve on the, like, the checkout.

[157] And then it said, your transaction was approved.

[158] It'll be delivered in seven to ten business days.

[159] A semi -truck will arrive within seven -send business.

[160] In our mind, it's like, oh, we all spend about $900 on stuff that's going to last us like five years.

[161] This is amazing.

[162] We never got to shop again.

[163] I didn't work the next day, but I woke up to like 15 missed calls from my boss.

[164] And I still hadn't put two together.

[165] And I called him back and I said, hey, what's up?

[166] And he goes, you need to come into the office right now.

[167] And I said, okay, do you need me to pick up a shift?

[168] What's going on?

[169] He goes, I just had the CEO of New Balance Australia call me and threatened to terminate our relationship with the athlete's foot because of, you know, something that you did.

[170] Did it ring any bells?

[171] And I said, I used the code that the rep gave me the other day and I did a little bit of shopping last night.

[172] And the boss was like, a little bit of shopping.

[173] You need to come to the office right now.

[174] Oh my God.

[175] Why I hated this moment was because I realized I'd been caught, but then I had to sit through a 20 -minute train ride and a walk to my work before knowing what was going to unravel.

[176] I've been caught doing other things before, but you're in the moment and you've got to answer straight away.

[177] This I spiraled because I was like, this is horrible.

[178] I feel so bad.

[179] This is not me. I got to the office and the rep who gave me the code and my boss were in the office and they for about two minutes just went off at me, like, raised voice, yelling at me of like how idiotic it was.

[180] What was I planning to do?

[181] Buy that stuff and then sell it for profit, which I'm not smart enough to do that.

[182] And at the end, my boss, which I was not expecting, was like, because of this, we're going to have to terminate you.

[183] You no longer have a job.

[184] You don't work with us anymore.

[185] Maybe I was being cheeky.

[186] Thinking back, I don't think I was, but I did ask after that, so do I still get the stuff that I purchased?

[187] Right, right.

[188] Did you?

[189] No, I did.

[190] And you did a new balance breath, laughed.

[191] He was like, absolutely not.

[192] And I was shattered.

[193] I was really rocked.

[194] And then the worst was I had to go back to my roommates and say, guys, we're not getting anything.

[195] Oh, and you lost her job.

[196] Were you welled up at all in that debrief?

[197] Did you have any tears?

[198] Or how did you handle the assault?

[199] I was very composed and professional.

[200] And honestly, the ride back was more like, you idiot.

[201] What the hell were you thinking?

[202] Like, why was there no one in the moment that was like, Ben, this is a bad idea?

[203] You got drunk on savings and then you were snapped back to sobriety.

[204] The harsh light of day hit you.

[205] And I've never online shops since, which is a crazy fun fact about me. I'm, like, traumatized by online shopping.

[206] I think that's a good decision because you've demonstrated that you'll lose complete control.

[207] I mean, you started this story with what a shoestring budget you were on to get to the U .S., and I can't imagine athletes' foot is paying you more than $10 an hour.

[208] And you somehow decided you had $1 ,000 to spend at 19 on gear.

[209] It was a horrible decision that lost me my job.

[210] Oh, no. I still had the trip.

[211] I love the U .S. and I turned summer camp into a full -time job at that time in the U .S. now.

[212] So it all worked out.

[213] I just refused to buy New Balance stuff now.

[214] 27 ,000 worth of New York.

[215] I mean, that is, it seems impossible to do.

[216] I need to go on New Balance's website and see what they're selling.

[217] Was it like Camp?

[218] gear and portable stoves.

[219] There was no camp stuff, but I'm a hat guy.

[220] It was like, why would I not just get everything?

[221] I'm going to get the five hats.

[222] I'm going to get every type of t -shirt.

[223] I'm going to get every type of long -sleeve shirt.

[224] Yes.

[225] Oh, this is incredible.

[226] This would have been an 80s movie, like a bunch of 10 -year -olds, like somehow getting some code.

[227] That little mistake probably saved you hundreds of thousands of dollars in a lifetime because we do online shop.

[228] Oh, my God.

[229] I am not scrutinizing.

[230] I am losing thousands of dollars in four minutes.

[231] I mean, I get how this happened.

[232] I really, really do.

[233] I also wasn't there for the majority of it.

[234] My friends did a lot of it, and I was just a vessel to the purchase.

[235] I like the story because it really was not malicious.

[236] It wasn't.

[237] You were just trying to get some cute clothes.

[238] It does also reek of what every young person does when they get a scam.

[239] We had another guest.

[240] They were stealing money from the till at work.

[241] And then they decided to bring some more people.

[242] You end up being generous because it's not your money.

[243] You find that you're so generous because why not?

[244] It's their money.

[245] And you get to be a hero.

[246] And then it all unravels and now you got like 10 people.

[247] people in on this secret.

[248] Yeah, because if it had just been you, I bet it maybe wouldn't have been flagged.

[249] Might not have triggered at a grand.

[250] Oh, you think like at the 1 ,000 discounted from 6 ,000 would have been normal?

[251] It might not have caught someone's eye.

[252] I mean, I don't know, 27 grand for sure.

[253] It's like, oh my God, a new store opened up.

[254] But it's okay.

[255] It worked out.

[256] Oh, it's a lovely story.

[257] It is G, but it's also real spicy.

[258] I love it.

[259] Because the numbers got up there.

[260] They make a grand larceny here in the U .S. Hopefully New Balance doesn't call me following up.

[261] You know what?

[262] I think at this point they should now give you all that stuff.

[263] Yes, or you could be like the face of New Balance, redemption, their new ad.

[264] I still love their brand, but thank you guys so much.

[265] Great meeting you, and it's a pleasure to have you in the U .S. I hope you stay forever.

[266] You're just the kind of person that we'd love to have around.

[267] Yeah.

[268] I think I will.

[269] Good luck.

[270] If you do make it to Perth, it's unreal.

[271] Okay.

[272] Take care.

[273] Bye.

[274] I have some newbies.

[275] Do you?

[276] Yeah, I love them.

[277] Now, you know, the thing about new balance is here's my brand assessment.

[278] I've always actually thought they're very high quality.

[279] They are.

[280] I haven't always been bold over by the style.

[281] Okay?

[282] That's neither here nor there.

[283] That's fine.

[284] Everyone has their own.

[285] Oh, you're wearing.

[286] Kind of like Toyota.

[287] I'm wearing Desert Elephants.

[288] I thought you were wearing Animal Instinct.

[289] Animal Instinct.

[290] Animal Instinct.

[291] Oh.

[292] Animal Instinct.

[293] Those are the ones we have.

[294] My new.

[295] balances are all white and they're like chunky like 80s style they're really cool yeah they're coming back in the throwback 90s thing which I'm really having a hard time joining everyone I kind of felt like I was either day because I ordered a pair of pants in the same purchase thing there was like a president's day sale on Todd Schneider yeah so I was just kind of haphazardly throwing things in there and I think I got the size of the pants wrong so they're really baggy but I wore my thought Oh, this is kind of what everyone's doing.

[296] Yeah, they're probably cool.

[297] They might be cool on accident.

[298] I can't believe you're not sponsored by them at this point.

[299] I can't either.

[300] Just like I can't believe I'm not sponsored by the rope.

[301] These people are making huge mistakes.

[302] Actually, they're smart because they're getting everything they would want for absolutely free.

[303] I know.

[304] And I won't stop talking about it.

[305] Neither will you.

[306] And they know that.

[307] They know it.

[308] They have the upper hand in the relationship.

[309] They might pay us to stop talking about them.

[310] So like you're diluting our brain.

[311] Dax, you're openly talking about that you have no style and that you love our brand.

[312] Hello.

[313] Hi.

[314] Hi there.

[315] Are you in a nursery?

[316] Yeah, where are you?

[317] This is cute.

[318] I am.

[319] I don't have any walk -in closets in my house.

[320] It's built in the 70s.

[321] So this is my daughter's nursery.

[322] Oh, how old is she?

[323] Well, now she's two.

[324] She's my youngest.

[325] Oh, fun.

[326] You got caught doing something?

[327] This sounds hard to believe.

[328] You seem like a rule follower already.

[329] Yes.

[330] I say one thing before.

[331] I tell you the most embarrassing moment of my life.

[332] I just want to go ahead and embarrass myself right now to get it out of the way.

[333] Dax, the flaps that you keep talking about around your eyes.

[334] Yeah, yeah.

[335] I just want you to know that I would swaddle myself in those like a damn baby.

[336] Oh, there you go.

[337] Brittany, thank you.

[338] See, people love your flat.

[339] The timing of this is terrible.

[340] I'm going today to talk to somebody, yeah, to have a consult at 5 to see what they have to say by my flaps.

[341] I know.

[342] I just wanted to get in there like a baby kangaroo, you know, with or without flaps, you'll be on my hall pass forever.

[343] Thank you, Brittany.

[344] I appreciate that.

[345] We've had a lot of heartthrobs pass through recently, and I've been feeling a little bit low about myself, so I really do appreciate it.

[346] Are you in the South somewhere?

[347] I'm in Georgia.

[348] What part?

[349] Cartersville, Georgia, so I'm like 45 minutes away from Atlanta.

[350] Which direction?

[351] I'm north, so we go south to go to Atlanta.

[352] Okay, Brittany, tell us about the time you got caught.

[353] This was 1999.

[354] I was in fifth grade.

[355] Well, there's like a Monica story already.

[356] Oh, stealing cookies.

[357] Oh, sand art cookies.

[358] Yeah, yeah.

[359] A lot of shit's going down in Georgia.

[360] That year for Christmas, all I wanted in the entire world was a handheld video camera because they had like just come out with the ones that weren't the honking, huge.

[361] Like a flip camera?

[362] Yeah, it like popped out.

[363] Yes, it like comes out and you hold.

[364] it you record the video my idea was that i was going to be making video diary vlog vlogging yeah yeah yeah but my parents are pretty similar to yours back where we were really really low income but when christmas came around they like pulled out all the stops did everything they could to get what we wanted so i got my video camera i'm so excited so let's fast forward several months and i'm hanging out my room one day just recording music from the radio onto a tape you know, as you do.

[365] Yeah.

[366] Bored by myself and I get this great idea that I should probably figure out what my vagina looks like.

[367] Sure.

[368] Yeah.

[369] We need to know.

[370] You got to know.

[371] I need to really know what's going on.

[372] But we live in a single wide trailer, kind of like your trailer in the punk episode, Mandy Moore.

[373] Okay.

[374] Yeah.

[375] So funny.

[376] Oh, my God.

[377] So then I got just like a most amazing idea.

[378] ever had like my video camera.

[379] This is a good idea in theory.

[380] It is because you could flip the little screen around and it's like selfie mode.

[381] There's a zoom toggle.

[382] Sure.

[383] Yeah.

[384] Yeah.

[385] Really You get a lay of the land.

[386] Yeah.

[387] I locked my bedroom door.

[388] I set it up on my floor and strip totally naked because that's the only way to do this.

[389] So I've got my little baby buds and my vagina.

[390] I turn it on.

[391] I'm not recording.

[392] I turn it around and I sit right in front of it on the floor.

[393] I'm just checking things out, right?

[394] I'm just like, what do these do?

[395] What's that for?

[396] I am zooming in and out because it's hilarious and I zoom so far in.

[397] I mean, it might as well have been penetrating me at that point.

[398] It's just like peak blur.

[399] You've exceeded focal length, they would say, in movies.

[400] Yes.

[401] So after I get a good look and decide, you know, it's not great, but it'll work, I guess.

[402] I hope one day I shut off my camera and move on with my life.

[403] We're going to fast forward a few more months, and my dad calls my siblings and I into the kitchen.

[404] Oh, boy.

[405] I'm so stressed.

[406] I hate this.

[407] Dad plus vagina exam.

[408] Plus brothers?

[409] Plus brothers?

[410] Jesus.

[411] This is not, yeah.

[412] He sits us down.

[413] There's a big surprise.

[414] I noticed my video camera is on the kitchen counter, but, like, I'm not stressed.

[415] because I didn't record anything, right?

[416] So he hands it to my mom, and he has her turn on the camera, and he tells us that he got a backstreet boy ticket, and it's pandemonium.

[417] I mean, like, you know, we were just BSB.

[418] Oh, I see, I see.

[419] He wants Mom to record the reaction for the backstreet.

[420] Yes.

[421] Oh, good dad.

[422] He borrowed my camera.

[423] We are weeping.

[424] My siblings and I are screaming.

[425] We're hugging each other.

[426] It's this beautiful moment.

[427] We are so excited.

[428] Destiny's Child was opening.

[429] Oh, my God.

[430] One two punch.

[431] And it was just like one of the best days of our life.

[432] And like a week later, my parents let us know that we have some family members coming over for dinner, which is weird because like we don't usually do that unless it's a holiday.

[433] He is so pleased to that with this new technology, he was able to catch this amazing moment.

[434] On camera.

[435] For sure.

[436] So we have dinner.

[437] We all sit down on the couch, and it is my siblings, my mom and dad, my grandmother, my aunt, my purvey, Uncle Randy.

[438] Ew, it's always an Uncle Randy.

[439] Randy.

[440] Yeah, yeah, Uncle Randy and my great aunt.

[441] I'm sitting on a chair and, like, the rest of the family is on the couch, and he's fiddling with the wires forever.

[442] Yeah, trying to hook it up.

[443] Yeah, yeah.

[444] And this is also new.

[445] And he finally gets it on.

[446] And the moment, it's like a blue screen, you know, it comes up on that thing.

[447] And he hits play.

[448] And my vagina.

[449] Ew.

[450] Oh, my God.

[451] It's just all over the screen.

[452] It wasn't me, like, sitting down and setting it up.

[453] It was, like, mid -Zoom.

[454] Right.

[455] So what I'm thinking happened is, like, when I was touching the Zoom, toggle you hit record oh boy yeah that makes sense real up close okay now I know these details are coming but my first thought is the image itself is one level of embarrassment I don't know let's call it a eight but my hunch is it would be the interaction in my involvement which would really send me into a 14 of embarrassment you mean like the touching and stuff the touching this ready maybe even you're talking a little bit that's the part I can imagine being like, oh, my God, I can hear myself.

[456] Yeah, so there was something that going on.

[457] Thankfully, I knew at that point how to masturbate.

[458] It was a pillow situation.

[459] So I hadn't figured out by hand.

[460] So luckily, I was not doing that.

[461] It's one thing to witness your child, like, have a medical examination out of curiosity.

[462] But if they're making masturbation tapes...

[463] But the grandma, I mean, are they all immediate...

[464] What do they do?

[465] I think grandma's the coolest about it.

[466] Walk us through the reactions.

[467] Depends on the type of grandma.

[468] This is a southern grandma.

[469] She's a little spicy.

[470] She calls it the P word.

[471] Oh, wonderful.

[472] Oh, my God.

[473] Wonderful, wonderful.

[474] So it's happening in slow -mo.

[475] Like, I've removed myself and I'm watching everyone react.

[476] So dad is seriously trying to get it off the TV.

[477] Mom is screaming for dad to get it off the TV and for brother to shield his eyes.

[478] Are the brother's older or younger?

[479] He's my younger brother by year.

[480] Weirdly preferred, I think, in this case.

[481] No, no brother of any age.

[482] No, it's all bad, but you don't want like your 17 -year -old brother with a mustache.

[483] You're smoking a cigarette?

[484] That's the worst, I think.

[485] To think that maybe my vagina put him in therapy.

[486] Not great.

[487] Unfortunately, you accidentally made him look at child porn.

[488] That's true.

[489] You've now incriminated everyone in the house is now.

[490] What if your dad ran to the fire pit and lit it on fire immediately?

[491] We're going to get this evidence.

[492] I wish he had it.

[493] Probably would have ended faster.

[494] So that's going on.

[495] Uncle Randy is laughing.

[496] Sure.

[497] He loves this.

[498] For God about him.

[499] I guess he's the brother with the mustache smoking a cigarette.

[500] And the only person that breaks me out of it is I look over my great aunt is looking at me with the most sympathetic.

[501] I am so sorry.

[502] Yeah.

[503] Eyes and face.

[504] and it just snapped me out of like whatever trance I was in.

[505] And I just got up and just ran to my bedroom, got in my closet, and just where I live now.

[506] I'm not coming out.

[507] Now, the irony is of all the things to have captured on the video camera, this would have been the moment.

[508] This is what you want to see in the movie.

[509] Yes.

[510] This is the moment that if this whole thing was on camera, wow, what a bit of footage.

[511] My mom took the stance a little bit more of there is something clearly wrong with you.

[512] So the camera got taken away from me, and she was like, you know, leave that alone.

[513] But thankfully, like you, Dax, I've got a seven -year -old boy, five -year -old girl, two -year -girl.

[514] And my middle daughter, when she was four, she got one of those pink V -TEC cameras.

[515] And she came up to me one time just like laughing hysterically.

[516] And it was playing some weird little song, and she showed me. And it was just like a slideshow.

[517] It was doing of just her butt and her vagina.

[518] Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[519] Yeah, like mother.

[520] Yeah, we just came full circle, and it was a real bonding moment.

[521] Yeah.

[522] And you got to do it differently.

[523] Yes, I did.

[524] And I told her, it's so normal to wonder what it looks like.

[525] If you have any questions, please tell me. Maybe don't put it on a device where evidence can come back up later.

[526] Yeah, somebody else could see it.

[527] Yes.

[528] Oh, my God.

[529] Can you even recall how long it was before you felt, where you weren't sitting.

[530] around them and that's all you were thinking about.

[531] Do you remember how long that took?

[532] No, I do remember it was not spoken of.

[533] It never happened kind of thing.

[534] I'm so happy to share that.

[535] The whole thing's really adorable.

[536] I feel so bad for the whole family.

[537] I mean, what a punchline in front of everybody.

[538] The dad was so proud of these tickets you want everyone to see.

[539] This feels like straight out of national lampoos.

[540] Guys, I want everyone to come over for dinner.

[541] We've got an incredible video to show you.

[542] I do wonder if, like, your aunt, Uncle Randy, grandma thought, this is the video?

[543] Like, probably your dad was the most embarrassed.

[544] Like, they think I wanted to show them this video.

[545] Oh, my God.

[546] I hope he was.

[547] They never did get to see the video.

[548] No, that concludes the video portion of the get -together, I think.

[549] I mean, really, because they don't want to open it back up to delete it.

[550] Like, that camera's just going in the garbage.

[551] Also, who knows what the next video is?

[552] Right.

[553] You know?

[554] I might be checking out my butthole.

[555] You could.

[556] Could be time to see what fits in there.

[557] It's hard to see.

[558] I mean, it's really hard to see.

[559] It is.

[560] Well, Brittany, thanks so much for telling us that story.

[561] I hope you feel liberated by having it off your chest.

[562] I don't know if that's the word I would use.

[563] Just to talk to you guys, it was so totally worth it.

[564] This is so great.

[565] Dax, can you do me one tiny favor?

[566] Sure.

[567] I wondered if you could do Uncle Randy as.

[568] Fredo as this is happening.

[569] Okay.

[570] Oh, wow.

[571] All right.

[572] No, you really opened up a camera.

[573] What's your dad's name?

[574] My dad's name is Michael.

[575] They call him rooster, though.

[576] Rooster.

[577] What are you putting on, Rooster?

[578] I don't even know why we're over here.

[579] I was supposed to be at Mike's house helping him with his garden.

[580] Can't get his rototiller working.

[581] You know, what is?

[582] Oh, my God.

[583] What the fuck is that?

[584] Who's is that?

[585] Is that yours, gal?

[586] Whose pussy's not looking at?

[587] Oh, God.

[588] Aren't you, kids?

[589] Give me the five fuck out of here.

[590] Let me see that.

[591] Oh, my God.

[592] He doesn't want to get out of there.

[593] Somebody else wants to see it.

[594] I was surprised that he was saying, get me out of here.

[595] So I'm not surprised that he wanted dogs.

[596] One step forward.

[597] Yeah, two steps.

[598] Get that out of here into my car.

[599] Oh, I just peed my pants a little bit.

[600] Oh, let me see He doesn't have any control We gotta go I call bullshit Let me see Oh my god Thank you guys so much Nice being you Brittany Take care Bye guys Bye I'm so scared of him Me too He's such a predator He well He is He is You know, this reminds me, not Frito, but I was at a party the other day.

[601] We got talking about...

[602] What do you mean you were at a party the other day?

[603] I went to a party.

[604] What party?

[605] The party down premiere.

[606] Okay, okay, okay.

[607] After there was a party.

[608] All right, all right.

[609] I was at this party the other night.

[610] What are you talking about?

[611] I go to party.

[612] We don't go to party.

[613] I know.

[614] I very rarely.

[615] But it was fun.

[616] It was a huge mansion with weird pictures on the walls, right?

[617] Yeah, that's crazy.

[618] Anyway, we got on the subject of that goop show.

[619] Remember they had that show?

[620] Oh, yeah, where they showed the volvos.

[621] Yes, and they showed all those vulvas.

[622] Yeah.

[623] And we were talking about it how I was very surprised at the difference.

[624] Yes, that there were so many kinds.

[625] And then we started joking.

[626] An interesting opening line is like, hey, you know, I have a really unique vulva.

[627] I want to see?

[628] Do you want to see?

[629] Right now, that's going to work 100 %.

[630] of the time.

[631] Tell Frito.

[632] No. Okay.

[633] Hey, what's up?

[634] You go to this party all the time?

[635] I do.

[636] Yeah, this is my first time because this is a one -time party.

[637] But, hey, you know, Frito, I have a really unique vulva.

[638] I'm wondering if you want to see.

[639] A vulva?

[640] Like a sob from Sweden?

[641] You should get American.

[642] Buy Ford, built, Ford, tough.

[643] Severy like a rock.

[644] Go ram trucks.

[645] are built for speed and power.

[646] It's actually a technical word for what you would probably know is a vagina.

[647] A pussy?

[648] Oh, my God.

[649] You say, I've got a unique one.

[650] Let me see.

[651] I've seen all of them.

[652] I'll be able to tell how unique this is.

[653] Let's get it out on the table.

[654] See who's what.

[655] Oh, my God.

[656] That's an cruel.

[657] My, Jennifer, I haven't seen, truth is I never saw.

[658] I've seen them all.

[659] This is my first one.

[660] That's, oh, I can't go sign.

[661] I just look at my pants or something's wrong.

[662] He's so many contradictions.

[663] He's trying to be a cool guy.

[664] But it's my first one.

[665] What's up, guys?

[666] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[667] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[668] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

[669] Okay, every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[670] And I don't mean just friends.

[671] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[672] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[673] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[674] We've all been there.

[675] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[676] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[677] But for an unlucky few, these unsuspectable.

[678] symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[679] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[680] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[681] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[682] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[683] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[684] wherever you get your podcasts.

[685] Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon music.

[686] Yeah, let's jump in.

[687] Hi.

[688] Hi.

[689] How are you?

[690] I'm good.

[691] How are you guys?

[692] Wonderful.

[693] What should we call you?

[694] You can call me Aaron.

[695] Aaron, wonderful.

[696] A name very dear to my heart.

[697] Good pick, good pick.

[698] And you got caught doing something.

[699] I'm thin slicing.

[700] This is just immediate thought.

[701] Not surprised.

[702] Not surprised.

[703] You look a little mischievous.

[704] Oh, you think she's a rascal?

[705] I think she's mischievous.

[706] Look at her sinister green.

[707] My friends thought you were going to have the exact opposite reaction.

[708] That's what I think.

[709] Your friends are stupid.

[710] Nope.

[711] Okay, so are you mischievous or not?

[712] Yes, absolutely.

[713] Yes, I can see it.

[714] Yeah.

[715] Really read you.

[716] Thin sliced.

[717] I would have guessed the opposite.

[718] I'm wrong.

[719] Yeah.

[720] Look how pretty her hair is.

[721] Oh, yeah.

[722] Mischievous gales can have waved.

[723] body and play.

[724] Yeah, you're right.

[725] I also have like the five foot one Monica height going for me, which if it helps come off a little more innocent.

[726] Yeah, you get away with a lot more at this height.

[727] You do.

[728] Kristen, too.

[729] Do you have some Polish in your lineage?

[730] Nailed it.

[731] You're really a two for two here.

[732] Wow, wow, wow.

[733] Holy shit, stop all you're ahead.

[734] Okay, I'll quit.

[735] I'll quit, I'll quit.

[736] Nice talking to you, Aaron.

[737] No, we're going to forge ahead.

[738] Tell us what happened.

[739] So this starts in 2015.

[740] I was moving into a new.

[741] new apartment in upstate New York to start grad school.

[742] And before I was moving, my parents, my dad and my stepmom, I was going to visit them.

[743] They lived downstate New York.

[744] And they kind of told me I could go through the house.

[745] There were some things they were trying to clear out.

[746] It was easier to give it to me than to find a new home for it.

[747] So I was kind of walking around.

[748] They were pointing out things I could take little like knickknacks, decorative things.

[749] And my dad has an office.

[750] And he has a PhD in chemistry.

[751] He's a science guy.

[752] And he always has very eclectic tastes and things that he collects.

[753] So he, for a little bit, was collecting international weaponry.

[754] He had different types of, like, science glass.

[755] And so he had this glass case in his office.

[756] And he had knives.

[757] He had different, like, science equipment.

[758] And then on top of it was what looked like kind of an anatomical teaching, fake human skull.

[759] Okay, okay.

[760] I thought that looked really cool.

[761] So I was like, is that on a table?

[762] Can I take that?

[763] Yeah.

[764] It's like, yeah, I don't need a fake human skull.

[765] You can have it?

[766] Wow.

[767] But can I just suggest, I bet he wanted to keep it, but he loves you.

[768] Because I can imagine me going like, yeah, no, that's fine.

[769] I've seen it enough, but I would be sad.

[770] I don't know.

[771] They kind of rotate what they collect every few years.

[772] So I think maybe the expiration life on the skull had kind of hit its mark and it was time for it to find a new home.

[773] Okay, great.

[774] So I put it in a box with a few other thing, put in the trunk of my car, move into my new apartment, unload it, put it on top of a bookshelf in my living room.

[775] And I forget about it for three years.

[776] So it's just on top of a bookshelf in my living room for the three years I'm in grad school.

[777] And when people come over there, like, oh, you forgot to take down your Halloween decorations.

[778] A lot of people didn't even notice it.

[779] Not a talking point.

[780] Okay.

[781] I would have thought it would be a conversation, Starger.

[782] Sure.

[783] Right.

[784] And then May 2018, graduate from grad school.

[785] September 2018, I'm moving to New York City for my first job and my new profession.

[786] And September 9th, I know the dates, and I'll tell you why in a little bit, but I move out of my apartment.

[787] And as I'm going to pack to move out, I have, you know, the stuff I'm bringing with me, but because I'm downsizing to a much smaller New York City apartment, I have to get rid of a lot of things.

[788] So the fake skull does not make the cut of things that are coming with me. And it gets tossed into the like apartment complex's dumpster where I'm throwing out a lot of the things that I'm not donating or bringing with me. So September 12th, my mom and I go to Aruba for like four or five days.

[789] Oh, wow.

[790] It's two weeks before I'm starting my new job.

[791] So we were like, quick girls trip.

[792] So just really quick, you know, I can't resist trying to guess where everything's going.

[793] Just the notion that you threw a skull away and then got an international flight right after.

[794] Okay.

[795] But walk me through, walk me through.

[796] I'm just already thinking this could be potentially bad.

[797] Yeah, no, you're 100 % on the track.

[798] My brain should have been.

[799] on that.

[800] So get to the hotel bar.

[801] I'm about two drinks in and I look at my phone and I have two missed messages.

[802] And I look at the voicemails and they are two voicemails from a New York State trooper.

[803] And it is basically, hi, I'm calling you about your apartment at X address, which is the apartment I've just moved out of.

[804] Please call me back.

[805] Again, two drinks in, calling back in New York State Trooper in a different country.

[806] Now really quick, do you, already know what this is going to be about?

[807] I have no idea.

[808] I assumed my apartment had gotten broken into, but because it was completely empty, I was like, well, that sucks, but nothing could be missing.

[809] Call the trooper back.

[810] He said, did you just move out of X address?

[811] And I said, yes.

[812] He goes, do you know anything about a human skull?

[813] And I said, no. Right.

[814] You don't.

[815] Right.

[816] I had a fake skull in my apartment that I threw out.

[817] but I didn't know anything about like a human skull.

[818] My brain catches up.

[819] And I'm like, oh, maybe he's talking about this fake skull that I had.

[820] I tell him like, well, I had a fake skull that I threw out when I moved.

[821] And he goes, okay, where did you get that from?

[822] And I was like, well, my dad gave it to me like three -ish years ago.

[823] He's like, all right, I'm going to need his contact information.

[824] Give him his contact information.

[825] Then he goes, I'm also going to need to speak to you.

[826] You have to come in for questioning.

[827] Can you come in today?

[828] Like, no, I am in a foreign country right now.

[829] And he's like, all right, give me a call as soon as you're back.

[830] Hang up the phone.

[831] And the first thing I do is Google the town I just moved out of and human skull.

[832] And there are news articles about the human skull that was found in the woods behind the dumpster.

[833] And I am now panicking.

[834] Wait, what?

[835] And so the other portion of this is that the grad school I just graduated from is law school.

[836] I am about to become an attorney.

[837] I'm supposed to start my job as a lawyer in two weeks.

[838] And I now have to go for questioning with police officers who are asking me about a human skull that was found in the woods behind the apartment I just moved out of.

[839] So I call my dad and I'm like, what did you give me?

[840] And he was like, well, I mean, it came from your son mom.

[841] Her head?

[842] And she told me that it wasn't real.

[843] And I'm like, okay.

[844] But now is there some question whether it was real?

[845] And my son mom's like, no, there is no. way it's real.

[846] And I'm like, all right, well, I'm getting question about this by a police officer.

[847] So now I'm starting to wonder what I had in my apartment for three years.

[848] My first thought is this.

[849] You're a lawyer.

[850] You know what you would advise someone else to do at this point, right?

[851] Which would be don't go up and talk to them without a lawyer present.

[852] But that's not your instinct, is it?

[853] You're like, I'm going to go clear this up.

[854] Exactly.

[855] I was so deep in denial because I had what was a fake human skull in my apartment for three years.

[856] I am supposed to be starting this job in two weeks.

[857] This is just a misunderstanding.

[858] I'm just going to tell them exactly what happened and everything's going to be fine.

[859] It's all going to go away.

[860] But if you reach out to an attorney, then you have to admit that this is like a problem.

[861] That's why people don't do it.

[862] And then they get false connections.

[863] I am not advising that.

[864] Do not do that.

[865] What I'm happiest about is that even you as a lawyer would still have that same thought of like, this is an admission of guilt to be represented.

[866] To be clear, not yet a lawyer.

[867] Okay.

[868] But yeah, even three years of law school, the denial still outweighed.

[869] What should have been my first instinct of, oh, I should have an attorney president.

[870] I'm a tiny, tiny bit confused.

[871] So are we saying that there was a human skull found next to where you dumped the other skull?

[872] Or that skull made it from the dumpster to being buried?

[873] That's what I'm interpreting it.

[874] Okay.

[875] Is that someone got that out of the trash can and then left it and then buried it?

[876] At this point, I don't know.

[877] Okay, okay.

[878] Here we go.

[879] You're also confused.

[880] Okay.

[881] So I assumed that it was too big of a coincidence that I threw out a fake skull and then like something else was just found.

[882] But I don't know anything else.

[883] I've had this one brief conversation.

[884] Did it ruin your trip to a Ruba?

[885] Were you able to have some drinks and go swimming?

[886] Yeah.

[887] I definitely had a lot of drinks and went swimming.

[888] But I mean, in the back of my mind, I knew as soon as I landed, I was going to be talking to police officers.

[889] So I get back from vacation.

[890] I have been off this plane for 15 minutes.

[891] Like, I am in the terminal still, and I get a call from an unknown number answer.

[892] It is another state trooper now at the New York City office, who is very much like, when are you talking to us?

[893] And so now I'm like, oh, they know my plane just landed.

[894] They're tracking me, and I'm spiraling even more.

[895] So I got the first call on September 12th, and then they came to my new apartment in New York City, September 18th.

[896] So it must have been the day after.

[897] I got back from vacation.

[898] And I pulled out like this sworn statement that I gave them.

[899] And that's how I know the dates for sure.

[900] So I have no furniture in this new apartment.

[901] Like I left all of my college furniture in my grad school apartment.

[902] So now two police officers are coming to this barren New York City apartment.

[903] Oh, my God.

[904] You look so guilty.

[905] They look like a serial killer.

[906] One is like leaning against the wall.

[907] One is like sitting on the radiator cap.

[908] I'm like leaning against the wall like shaking.

[909] now in the interim have, like, been looking up everything I could be accused of, but also I'm convinced that, like, my career is over before I began.

[910] Yeah.

[911] I had lost school debt that now if I go to jail, I can't pay off.

[912] So it's just all over a bad situation.

[913] You're catastrophizing.

[914] Yeah.

[915] So the two New York City state troopers now, they come to talk to me, and they're asking me all these questions, and I'm basically telling them exactly what I've told you.

[916] I have no idea how it ended up not in the dumpster.

[917] So at this point, I have never once asked anyone if it was actually real.

[918] So none of the state troopers I've talked to.

[919] I haven't asked if it was real because I don't want to know that I have had someone's human remains in my apartment.

[920] At the end of this meeting with the troopers, he finally asks me, so at what point did you know that it was a real human skull?

[921] And I just look at him and I go, when you just asked me that question?

[922] And he goes, well, when did you first think it was real?

[923] And I was like, I still did not know it was real.

[924] So I guess I started to suspect when a police officer called me to ask me about the human skull near my apartment.

[925] Oh, he's also kind of trying to entrap you.

[926] Oh, my God.

[927] I hate them.

[928] Absolutely.

[929] Really quick.

[930] You don't hate them if your mother had been murdered and now they found her skull and they're trying to, you know.

[931] No, I do.

[932] I do hate them just trying to get a person.

[933] I want them to get the right person.

[934] So entrapment to me is not okay.

[935] She didn't do it.

[936] Well, let's find out, yeah.

[937] So, yeah, then the police officers took my sworn statement, left, said they would be in touch.

[938] And so the timeline is that I had taken the bar that summer, and I was waiting on my bar exam results.

[939] So this happened, I gave the statement September 18th, and then I got my bar exam results the end of October.

[940] And so the next thing you have to do to be admitted in New York, at least, is go through character and fitness.

[941] So you felt this whole long application.

[942] where you have to disclose, like, anything bad that's ever happened.

[943] So speeding tickets, any type of arrest, but even, like, disciplinary actions in school, anything along those lines you have to disclose.

[944] So there's one question on the bar application.

[945] This is now November, and I haven't heard nothing about this.

[946] So for all I know, it's either fine or it's really bad, but I have heard nothing.

[947] So there's one question on the bar application that says, have you ever been a person of interest and a crime?

[948] Oh, boy.

[949] And so I'm looking at that, and I'm like, I change.

[950] anyone I don't know.

[951] Because I don't want to say no because I'm not 100 % confident.

[952] But I also don't want to say yes if I don't have to because I also don't really think I was.

[953] So I call the first state trooper back.

[954] I was like, hi, I don't know if you remember me. I was the girl at the skull because I don't know how to identify myself.

[955] And he was like, oh yeah, no, I remember you.

[956] And I read him the question and basically ask, what do I say?

[957] And he was like, oh, no, you don't have to say that.

[958] You weren't a person of interest.

[959] It's all fine.

[960] It was a misunderstanding.

[961] I was all cleared up.

[962] And they just never called to tell you like, all's good.

[963] Yeah.

[964] So what I know now in retrospect is that they did call my dad immediately after they talked to me. He said the same that like he didn't know it was real.

[965] He had given it to me. And not a few weeks after they did go talk to my dad and my stepmom.

[966] I actually talked to them last night about this.

[967] I didn't really know how that conversation went.

[968] And so why I think it wasn't more intense from the beginning is the skull was very, very old.

[969] So it was older than I am.

[970] So I think it would have been immediately clear I could not have killed this person.

[971] And also, it came from my stepmom's ex -husband.

[972] So my dad got it from my step -mom.

[973] My step -mom ended up with it somehow from her ex -husband who told her it was fake and who is an anthropologist.

[974] There we go.

[975] Yep.

[976] And so she doesn't know exactly how he got it, but he either had it from a dig or from teaching or for something along those lines.

[977] He was a physical anthropologist.

[978] Yeah.

[979] That was the long line of custody of the skull, and I had the misfortune to end up with it.

[980] Oh, my God.

[981] And then the stupidity to put it in a dumpster.

[982] Of course.

[983] Everyone's throwing away all kinds of stuff.

[984] I'm more hung up on what good taste your stepmom has.

[985] She was with an anthropologist, and then she went to a fucking chemist.

[986] Like, the scale's bagging all the brainiacs.

[987] It's true.

[988] Wow.

[989] Do you find out how it got buried?

[990] Okay, I have to know this.

[991] So some residents in the complex said that they saw kids like playing her.

[992] around the dumpster.

[993] And so they think that some kids found it and then either buried it or put it in the woods.

[994] And actually, the person who found the skull and initially reported it was looking at apartments in the complex to rent and was like walking her dog.

[995] So I feel really bad because I have a feeling that if you find a skull in the apartment complex, you're not like, oh, this is where I want to live.

[996] Yeah, maybe had some damages.

[997] Liable suit maybe coming your way from the landlord.

[998] But my guess is raccoons.

[999] I think the raccoons got into the trash.

[1000] They were digging around.

[1001] They found the skull.

[1002] It smelled vaguely meaty.

[1003] They pulled it out.

[1004] Then they were gnawing on it in the grass and realized there was no good stuff on it.

[1005] And then they bounced.

[1006] You had a human skull in your apartment for a lot of time.

[1007] That doesn't bother me at all.

[1008] I would love a real.

[1009] Yeah, I would love a whole skeleton.

[1010] In fact, since you started telling this story, literally in the back of my mind, I'm like, how do I get my hands on one of these science skeletons?

[1011] That'd be a cool thing to have in the house.

[1012] Maybe in an office, I could teach the girls all the bones.

[1013] My assumption is if you own one of those, you have to, like, declare it somehow.

[1014] You know, when you say I dedicate my body to science, that's one of the things that happens.

[1015] Your skeleton goes to anatomy classes.

[1016] Right, but then if you are in possession, I feel like you have a piece of paper that says, yeah.

[1017] Oh, wow.

[1018] Aaron, what an incredible.

[1019] That was great.

[1020] What a ride.

[1021] Yeah.

[1022] That was like an episode of a little bit of Brady.

[1023] No, Brady Bunch.

[1024] Oh.

[1025] Because it's so innocent.

[1026] Oh, right.

[1027] You know?

[1028] Like Nancy Drew.

[1029] They had something that had a spell on it.

[1030] Right, sure.

[1031] Did you ever watch it?

[1032] Pretty much, yeah.

[1033] Okay.

[1034] A lot.

[1035] Well, just because I bring it up so much.

[1036] I don't remember them having any spell.

[1037] I thought maybe you were just making some of them.

[1038] I don't remember that.

[1039] I think they brought a coconut home from Hawaiian.

[1040] Like, they weren't supposed to take it.

[1041] And then they had some spell.

[1042] I used to love it too, but all right.

[1043] All right.

[1044] Well, congratulations on making it through that fun little episode.

[1045] Stay Spunky and Mischievious.

[1046] Thank you.

[1047] It was great meeting you guys.

[1048] Great to meet you.

[1049] Thank you for your time in that story.

[1050] Of course.

[1051] All right.

[1052] Hello.

[1053] Are you driving down the interstate right now?

[1054] Yeah, exactly.

[1055] Because my Raff 4 can totally handle that.

[1056] What if Vivian was doing 85 and telling us this story?

[1057] You'd love it.

[1058] I just have really, really long legs for a five foot one person.

[1059] Another five foot one.

[1060] We just talked to someone who's also 5 -1.

[1061] Literally, the last person we talked to is also 5 -1.

[1062] And it came up.

[1063] How crazy.

[1064] There we go.

[1065] We must just be like a 5 -1 army.

[1066] I don't know what it is.

[1067] Oh, I love that.

[1068] It's my favorite size.

[1069] It's a good size.

[1070] We're fun size.

[1071] We're compactable.

[1072] It's good.

[1073] Power -packed.

[1074] That's right.

[1075] Pound for pound.

[1076] Vivian, where are you at in the country other than your car?

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] I'm in Sacramento.

[1079] Oh, of course.

[1080] Our state capital.

[1081] Yep.

[1082] You have a story of getting caught?

[1083] I do.

[1084] Yes.

[1085] And if it's okay, I'm going to change.

[1086] some names.

[1087] Of course.

[1088] As you should.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] My husband's not super thrilled because this is the next boyfriend.

[1091] Okay.

[1092] All right.

[1093] Yeah, we don't want to give him any shine.

[1094] I know.

[1095] Like, God forbid.

[1096] So this happened back in high school, my senior year.

[1097] I was actually around like Thanksgiving time.

[1098] So my boyfriend at the time, he had a 2010 golf, itty -bitty.

[1099] Volkswagen golf.

[1100] Yeah.

[1101] But he was like a big six -foot -two, 200 -pound guy in a little golf.

[1102] Okay, set the scene.

[1103] With his little 5 -1 mini.

[1104] Right, exactly.

[1105] That's quite the pair.

[1106] But yeah, so we had some fundraising event about an hour away from where I live.

[1107] And so on the way back from the event, it's a Saturday night.

[1108] And so what are two kids in Sacramento going to do other than find a park and ride and have some fun?

[1109] That's right.

[1110] Absolutely.

[1111] Those are the days.

[1112] We're going, you know, we're coming over.

[1113] What is it, the console or whatever?

[1114] Center council, yeah.

[1115] Yep.

[1116] making out eventually he is now in the passenger seat on top of me right ass naked everyone's bare naked everyone's bare right oh wow wow you're making love at this this is no longer a quickie you're making love no wonder the husband doesn't like this this is hot yeah the seed is reclined as far back it'll go okay yeah which isn't a lot and again he's a massive guy i'm just gonna add he's got a lot of leverage because his feet are on the floorboards exactly you're never on a bed where you have like you have like like a footboard.

[1117] Right.

[1118] Seems like his ass is at the windshield.

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] But there's no one in the parking rides.

[1121] It's like super deserted.

[1122] We've been out of for about a half hour.

[1123] Windows are fogged.

[1124] Fully steamed up.

[1125] Oh, wow.

[1126] All of a sudden, the car is illuminated by his bright light.

[1127] And we just kind of freeze.

[1128] We're like, ah, shit.

[1129] Like someone else pulled in.

[1130] We'll just wait for them to leave.

[1131] Like, no big deal.

[1132] So we're just ass naked.

[1133] Are you mid -coitus?

[1134] Oh, yeah, we're paused.

[1135] Uh -huh.

[1136] Yeah, everyone's freezing.

[1137] Yeah, we just locked in.

[1138] So all of a sudden, I see, like, a shadowy figure come towards the driver's seat and a knock on the window with a flashlight.

[1139] And it's a cop.

[1140] Come on, cops.

[1141] Let people fuck.

[1142] I know, right?

[1143] Such a buzzkill.

[1144] Yeah.

[1145] So, Jesse, like, launches into the driver's seat.

[1146] Instead of, like, rolling the window down or opening the door, he turns the car on, throws it in drive.

[1147] No. Right.

[1148] Why?

[1149] Jesse.

[1150] I don't know.

[1151] Oh, my God.

[1152] And he's ass naked, right?

[1153] Like, this is November.

[1154] I know California doesn't get that cold, but it's not warm in November up here.

[1155] So butt naked, throws it and drive.

[1156] All of a sudden, we're in a ditch.

[1157] Oh, my God.

[1158] Jesse's made some bad decisions.

[1159] All the blood was in his penis.

[1160] So I'm, like, braced against the dashboard being like, what the fuck did you just do?

[1161] So we're sitting at a solid 45.

[1162] I mean, this ditch is like three or four feet deep.

[1163] So he throws the door open.

[1164] At this point, the cop has his gun out.

[1165] Of course.

[1166] Yeah.

[1167] What he thought was sex team is now meth smoke.

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] He's like, oh, maybe that was meth smoke.

[1170] Totally.

[1171] He's like, what are these kids on?

[1172] And so my boyfriend's like, don't shoot, don't shoot.

[1173] The cop goes, all right, put some clothes on and get out of the vehicle.

[1174] Uh -huh.

[1175] Well, that was nice.

[1176] He let him go back in and put clothes on.

[1177] So I'm ripping clothes on as all this is happening.

[1178] Like, I don't know what's going where we're just ripping clothes on.

[1179] He rips his clothes on.

[1180] I find out that there's like a log or something blocking my door so I can't get out of the car on my side.

[1181] So the cop has to come over, help me out of the car.

[1182] And a little fun fact, over Thanksgiving, I'd gotten my wisdom teeth taken out.

[1183] So I have bruises all all around my jaw.

[1184] God bless Jesse looked right past that.

[1185] When you're 17, you could be.

[1186] When you're any age, come on.

[1187] It's true.

[1188] All about the chipmuncheaks.

[1189] You know what I mean?

[1190] It's more cushion, whatever.

[1191] So the cop pulls me aside, goes, are you okay?

[1192] And so he calls my boyfriend back over.

[1193] He's like, do you need me to call the tow truck?

[1194] He's like, no, I have triple A's.

[1195] He's like, okay, go ahead and make that phone call.

[1196] In the meantime, he's chatting me up.

[1197] He goes, you know, it's really ironic because when my wife and I were in high school, we had a very similar situation happen.

[1198] He's like, I really would have left you guys alone.

[1199] I just thought you were getting high.

[1200] That's why I came over.

[1201] So I get home like two hours later.

[1202] Surprisingly, my parents never questioned this.

[1203] So whole ordeal.

[1204] Purvy question.

[1205] I know what you're going to ask.

[1206] What am I going to ask?

[1207] Did he complete?

[1208] Did you guys figure out how to resume before you got home or everyone was too scared and shook?

[1209] I was still down.

[1210] I don't know.

[1211] I was like, this was entertaining.

[1212] Life Affirming.

[1213] Yeah, everyone liked it.

[1214] Well, it's definitely a heightened state of arousal.

[1215] Yeah.

[1216] Yeah.

[1217] For sure.

[1218] There's like adrenaline going.

[1219] Like, I was ready to go.

[1220] He was pretty shook up.

[1221] I think it was like a good two weeks.

[1222] He's worrying about what kind of damage is done to the golf.

[1223] You know, he's like, oh, shit.

[1224] He's probably like, why did I do that?

[1225] Why did I zoom off?

[1226] He might have gotten existential.

[1227] Did he ever figure out why he fled the scene?

[1228] Did he think it was a boogeyman?

[1229] Or?

[1230] I, like, asked him.

[1231] I was like, did you not see that it was a cop?

[1232] And he's like, no. I mean, he literally said my brain wasn't working.

[1233] His brain wasn't working.

[1234] And yet, and yet, all of our presidents have been men.

[1235] Oh.

[1236] And this is how they operate.

[1237] That's right.

[1238] We'll get you the fuck out of there when the shit hits a fan.

[1239] It's straight into a fucking ditch.

[1240] Well, sometimes a ditch.

[1241] Sometimes freedom.

[1242] Roll the dice.

[1243] You got to take your chances.

[1244] Oh, my God.

[1245] Well, there's a boogeyman.

[1246] It wasn't.

[1247] being a ditcher of dealing with a boogeyman.

[1248] It's true.

[1249] If it was a murderer, I would have been like kudos.

[1250] But also, we were in a ditch.

[1251] Yeah, so actually not.

[1252] You just made it much easier for the murder to get you.

[1253] Here's my real perversion.

[1254] Like, if I'm being dead honest with both of you, what I wish existed was like dashboard cam of the entire thing.

[1255] And all I would be doing is staring at his erection and seeing when it went away.

[1256] Was it when he crashed in the ditch?

[1257] Was it when he heard the knocking?

[1258] Was he talking to the cops still aroused?

[1259] Like, when did that thing?

[1260] I think it went away when the lights flashed.

[1261] You think so.

[1262] But he could have got it back up.

[1263] Well, sure.

[1264] He's a young man. He's 17.

[1265] He's very virile.

[1266] Wow.

[1267] Oh, Vivian, thank you for that.

[1268] It makes me so nostalgic.

[1269] It really does.

[1270] What a time to be a lot.

[1271] When you're young.

[1272] You just do all kinds of crazy shit.

[1273] I mean, I remember with this same boyfriend, like we had sex on the roof of his parents' house.

[1274] Oh, yes.

[1275] Oh.

[1276] You can't believe.

[1277] there's this thing you're allowed to do now.

[1278] Yeah.

[1279] That's what it is.

[1280] You're like, whoa.

[1281] It's a brand new thing.

[1282] Yes, and it exceeds all previous things you've experienced.

[1283] And she wants to, too.

[1284] This is wild.

[1285] You really think you're living in a fantasy for a couple years.

[1286] Well, Vivian, thank you so much for telling us that story.

[1287] Oh, my God.

[1288] Thanks for having me. I've been listening since literally episode one.

[1289] And so this has been like such a cool experience to finally get to meet you guys.

[1290] Oh, thank you.

[1291] Thank you.

[1292] And please keep listening.

[1293] We'll try to do another five.

[1294] Yeah, we will.

[1295] All right.

[1296] Great meeting.

[1297] You take care.

[1298] Bye.

[1299] Thanks, you guys.

[1300] Take care.

[1301] Those were fun.

[1302] I loved those.

[1303] They were.

[1304] They were all fun, getting caught.

[1305] And they really ran the gamut.

[1306] None were what I was afraid of, which was like, oh, they're all going to be affairs.

[1307] I thought literally all of them were going to be affairs.

[1308] Not one affair.

[1309] Not one.

[1310] They were all really fun.

[1311] No murderers.

[1312] Well, kind of that skull one could have been a murder, but we didn't know.

[1313] It was all about getting caught.

[1314] We're talking to him from prison.

[1315] I mean, I'd want to hear.

[1316] I know.

[1317] Let's do one if...

[1318] Prisoners?

[1319] Prison stories.

[1320] Are they listening to podcasts?

[1321] Like, certain levels are allowed to have iPads and...

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] I wonder if they could schedule a phone call with us.

[1324] Yeah.

[1325] I hope they're listening to cereal and feeling like...

[1326] Some hope?

[1327] Yeah.

[1328] Or if they're guilty.

[1329] Some delusion?

[1330] Depends on what they did.

[1331] I love you.

[1332] That was a blast.

[1333] That was really fun.

[1334] I'm glad we did.

[1335] did that.

[1336] If you're out there, don't get caught, doing whatever you're doing.

[1337] Or do, because these stories are fun.

[1338] Then tell us.

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] That's our marching orders.

[1341] Have fun.

[1342] Out there.

[1343] If you're young and you're fucking in a car on the side of the road, we tip our hat to you and we wish we were you.

[1344] It'll never get better than that.

[1345] Enjoy.

[1346] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1347] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1348] So here I go, go, go.

[1349] They're going to ask some random questions And with the help of armchair, he's will get some suggestions On the flyer rhyme dish On the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1350] You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1351] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.