One New Idea When a Child Lashes Out

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[24] Do you have a child who occasionally lashes out at you?

[25] It could be physically, it could be verbally, it could be throwing himself on the floor or throwing things at his siblings.

[26] And no matter what you do, it's really hard to calm this child down.

[27] On previous podcast, we've talked about using tools like positive intensity, right?

[28] Because sometimes with an intense child, having an intense moment, having positive intensity with that child is extremely helpful.

[29] We've talked about the concept of motion changes emotion, that sometimes using movement is a really, really powerful way to calm a child down.

[30] But on today's podcast, I want to give you a tool that's really cool.

[31] And I didn't mean to rhyme with that because it's kind of hokey.

[32] But it's a tool that I believe will really help you in many different areas of your life.

[33] We're also going to talk about those times where, does this ever happen to you, where you end up in a big argument with your spouse and you have no idea how it even began and how you got there.

[34] Because all of this is interrelated.

[35] You know why?

[36] Because it's all about relationships.

[37] So, So that's what we're going to talk about on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[38] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin.

[39] Founders Celebrate Calm.

[40] You can find us to Celebrate Calm.

[41] We appreciate you sharing this podcast with others and reviewing it so that other people find it a little bit more easily.

[42] If you need help with anything in your family, reach out to our strong -willed son who used to lash out quite a bit.

[43] But I want to say something about my son because everybody hears like, oh, strong -willed child, he's the reason you have Celebrate Calm.

[44] Of course he is, but you know what the real reason is?

[45] because I changed myself because I thought that everything was his issue and our family only changed when I realized that I was escalating situations all the time and that I played a role I played a part in every different situation and when I finally stopped saying well if my son if my wife would just start doing X right because when you do that you're now placing power over your emotions and your attitude and your behavior into another person's hand and you have relinquished power over your own choices.

[46] But when I finally started to realize, the only person in life that I can control is myself, and the quickest way to change my son's behavior and other people's behavior is not to control them, but to control myself.

[47] Then everything changed, and that is extremely liberating.

[48] And Casey gets that.

[49] So reach out to him, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCalm .com.

[50] Tell them about your family, and we will respond to you personally and help you.

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[58] you'll see Christmas in July say I'll reach out to Casey.

[59] So here's the situation.

[60] I'm going to tie in a couple different things.

[61] And this was last week.

[62] My wife came to me and expressed a point of view about a situation in our family.

[63] And she did it kind of passionately.

[64] But I didn't agree with it.

[65] And so I responded with a different opinion.

[66] And she got really upset.

[67] And it kind of threw me off because I've gotten a lot better at this stuff.

[68] And I'm like, don't okay with this stuff.

[69] And all of a sudden it's like she was really upset.

[70] And the conversation began to devolve.

[71] And I noticed my pattern.

[72] See, I have a couple patterns.

[73] One of my patterns is to try to control things.

[74] So that's one I would steamroll and I try to like prove my point.

[75] And then the other pattern that I learned very quickly in my childhood was to run away from any conflict.

[76] Because in my mind, when I was a kid and my dad was yelling at my mom and doing other things that were very, very hurtful, I hid and I ran.

[77] And so I'm only learning as I get older to actually enter in and to handle conflict in positive ways.

[78] So a little bit later, I realized what had gone wrong.

[79] And here's the thing.

[80] My wife had not done anything wrong.

[81] And neither had I. And this is hard for us.

[82] But it's not always about who's wrong and who's right.

[83] It's not always about wrong and right.

[84] I got an email from a guy, and here's what he said, and I think a lot of you can relate to this, especially those of you who are very project managers, process people, people who are computer engineer, software people.

[85] And here's what he said.

[86] I'm a computer engineer.

[87] So in my brain, everything is either right wrong, on off, one, zero.

[88] So the gray part of relationships is very, very hard for me. And I will just tell you that with strong -willed kids especially in strong -willed spouses and parents.

[89] The gray area is where situations either escalate into explosions or they get resolved.

[90] The gray area is where relationships are built or where they get destroyed or just slowly drift apart.

[91] And the reason that my wife got upset is because she didn't feel hurt.

[92] Now I know that's a buzzword like, oh, I didn't feel hurt.

[93] I didn't feel hurt.

[94] I didn't get feel heard.

[95] It is a very important thing and it's real.

[96] I guarantee you, if you go to a social gathering and if at the end of the night, one of the things that will determine whether you had a good night or not a good night is whether you feel like other people actually listen to you, found what you were talking about interesting or valid, because if they didn't, you will walk away from that thinking, oh, those people didn't care about me. They weren't interested in me, right?

[97] important.

[98] See, when she came and shared her opinion with me, I immediately countered her argument without first acknowledging that her viewpoint was legitimate.

[99] I was too busy in my brain wanting to make my point that I didn't hear hers.

[100] And we do that with our kids and other people all the time.

[101] And what I realize is I should have said this first.

[102] Honey, what you are saying is legitimate and valid, and I don't agree fully, but you make valid points that I respect.

[103] See, that would have made her feel heard.

[104] That would have made her feel respected, and respect is a very deep thing that you can feel from other people or disrespect.

[105] You can feel from people from a mile away.

[106] See, if I had done that, you know what you're saying is legitimate and valid.

[107] I don't see stopping right there is instead of me jumping in needing needing right away to prove my point because we do that with our kids also because we get all freaked out our anxiety kicks in and our control issues kick in and as soon as they're talking we're like I don't know I'm going to shut that down right away but if I would have just said what you're saying is legitimate and valid if I would have asked her a couple follow -up questions that would have been even better because that would have shown her that I was interested in understanding what she was saying even more fully, even more, right?

[108] But I didn't do that.

[109] But see, if I had done that, she would have felt heard and she would have been more open to hearing my point of view.

[110] So let's work on that this week.

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[123] But here's what I wanted to get to, and it is related.

[124] Let's say your child is upset, and they're lashing out.

[125] You don't have to give in.

[126] We've talked about another podcast in the newsletters, a dozen different ways to calm your child.

[127] That's partly why I want people listening to the Calm Parenting Package and to our programs is because in any given situation there, I can go through five, eight, ten, twelve different variations of responses based on the situation.

[128] So I can give you a fuller view than I do in one podcast.

[129] But sometimes we jump right in because we want to fix the situation.

[130] Because we're not comfortable with the conflict, we're not comfortable with the gray areas.

[131] And so we're like, oh, I'm just going to fix this right away.

[132] But we don't pause long enough to get to the root of the issue.

[133] Now, sometimes, not always, The child's lashing out because what they're really saying is, you're not listening to me. I'm trying to tell you this.

[134] I don't always know how to do it the right way.

[135] And nothing's working.

[136] So you know what happens with little kids.

[137] Those little hands get balled up into fists and they just start lashing out.

[138] Because I don't know what else to say.

[139] And so now I'm so frustrated.

[140] I want you next time that is happening in your home, whether it's a little kid or it's a teen.

[141] who's lashing out in different ways, I want you to, I want this to trigger in your brain.

[142] Maybe they're so frustrated because they've tried to tell me and I haven't listened and now they have no other recourse so they're just flailing away.

[143] It's not always a case, but sometimes it is.

[144] And we've talked about giving your child positive intensity, acknowledging why they are upset.

[145] See, that's what relates to what I needed to do with my wife.

[146] acknowledging your point's valid.

[147] You don't have to agree with your child.

[148] You don't have to give into them at all.

[149] But here's the tool I wanted to share for this week to work on.

[150] And I want you to try this.

[151] The next few times your kids are what we would call emotionally on fire and you have to put out that emotional fire.

[152] By the way, you know that talking, talking through things doesn't usually work.

[153] It makes them more upset.

[154] But in this, your tone is even.

[155] Matter of fact, it's flat.

[156] It's almost it almost sounds disinterested, which is really hard for some of you.

[157] But if your child's lashing out and I may go right to this, hey, you know, I could really use your help doing X?

[158] Could you show me how to do that?

[159] You know, I was thinking about how much you enjoy playing, building, tinkering with things.

[160] And yet I don't even know anything about it.

[161] Hey, when you're ready, could you teach me or show me how to do that?

[162] Right.

[163] Pick an area, something they enjoy, doing, something they're good at doing, an area of strength for them, kind of their go -to, because a lot of your kids is doing things with their hands.

[164] And so what I'm doing is saying, I'm giving them, see if this makes sense, because I did this with hundreds of kids in our home and some of this stuff I just lucked into it, right?

[165] Because it's like nothing else is working.

[166] And here's why it does work.

[167] When your kids are emotionally upset, their world feels out of control.

[168] Sounds like this.

[169] I don't feel like I have any control or any power over this situation or myself.

[170] And you tell me to calm down, but I don't know how to calm down.

[171] So I lash out of frustration.

[172] And I know I'll regret it later, since I know I'm going to get in trouble.

[173] But it's all I know to do.

[174] Right.

[175] But when you ask your child to teach you something or show you something, Right.

[176] Maybe it's something that they're building, that they're doing with their hands.

[177] Maybe it's, it's something that you're just interested in with their video games or even a TikTok video, which I hate, right?

[178] Maybe it's them teaching you about some new app on your phone, right?

[179] I don't care.

[180] But when you ask your child to teach or show you something, you're no longer fixing them.

[181] You're no longer trying to stop or control their behavior.

[182] because your kids are smart and they'll pick up on those things and they know when you're only trying to manipulate them in a sense.

[183] See, that often causes your kids to resist more because you're trying to fix or stop them.

[184] Instead, you're now giving your child a feeling of control, of ownership, and that's really settling because here's what they're thinking and feeling inside.

[185] I may not be able to control my emotions right now, but I do feel in control of myself when I'm doing this.

[186] Little kids, it could be coloring.

[187] It could be building with Legos.

[188] It could be doing something a little bit more advanced as they get older.

[189] It could be doing something physical.

[190] Maybe your kids are really good at doing handstands or jumping upside down on or doing somersaults on a trampoline or doing something else.

[191] It doesn't matter, but it gives them something they're in control of in the moment.

[192] And I'll give you a bonus idea.

[193] This is on the no BS program.

[194] If you get everything package comes with it.

[195] But you'll hear one of the best ways for parents to bond with their kids, and especially dads who've been at odds with a strong will child, is to ask your child to teach you something.

[196] It will change that entire dynamic and it makes your child feel heard, understood, important, and in the moment when they're upset, it gives them a feeling of oh, that situation was out of control and I said and did some really horrible things, but I'm really good at doing this.

[197] And now my mom or dad is sitting here and they're complimenting me and they're showing that they're really interested and I know I'm really good at this and my brother or sister may not be as good as I am at this and finally someone's paying attention to the good things that I'm doing instead of just picking out all the times I get upset all the times I misbehave see it's a really beautiful thing it's a very beautiful thing that happens inside of your child and now that lashing out thing that usually results in you yelling or they're going to send to their room and losing all their stuff and continuing to feel horrible about themselves and reinforcing their shame.

[198] Instead, you've now taught them a way to calm down.

[199] You have taught, look, it could be something physical.

[200] Show me how you do that trick on your bike, on your skateboard, anything that they're interested in and good at doing.

[201] And now you've actually built their confidence and you've bonded with them in that moment that usually caused you to drift apart.

[202] That's cool.

[203] I want you to do that this week and let me know how it goes.

[204] If we can help you reach out to us, Casey at celebrate calm .com.

[205] Love you all.

[206] Talk to you soon.

[207] Bye -bye.