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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Go, bye.
[16] Hi, and hello.
[17] And welcome to my favorite murder.
[18] The Minasode.
[19] Where we read you, your shit.
[20] these are your stories of true crime the ones you grew up with the ones you experienced first the ghost stories that you and mom won't stop talking about things that happen in your family that are big secrets that aren't anymore really funny weird shit you found in walls other stories that have nothing to do with true crime um this is a random minisode about whatever we decide do you want me to go first because i'm just chomping at the oh i love it it's great when we're reading these and then one of us like reading them to ourselves to find out which ones we're going and one of us starts cracking up.
[21] Like, yay.
[22] This is going to be fun.
[23] And it happens a lot.
[24] The subject line, and this is the chainsaw chicken.
[25] Fuck yeah.
[26] Hi, Georgia Karen, Stephen and furry podcasters.
[27] No, absolutely not.
[28] I love it.
[29] My hometown murder isn't exactly a murder, but it's pretty freaking crazy, and I feel like you'll both enjoy it.
[30] I grew up in a small town outside of Portland, Oregon.
[31] When I was in middle school, a string of unexplained acts of vandalism shook my little town to its core.
[32] For several weeks, under the cover of night, a mysterious.
[33] individual would take a chainsaw and cut down various trees and utility poles causing them to land on nearby country roads and even fall across the town's main four -lane highway familiar to many as highway 26.
[34] The perpetrator always evaded capture and the trees and utility poles often would cause power outages across the whole rural countryside.
[35] Oh my God.
[36] My friend's older sister even drove her car head on into a fell tree because she didn't notice it in time.
[37] That's what I was going to say that.
[38] It was super dangerous.
[39] Oh, my God.
[40] It says, in parentheses, don't worry, she survived with minor injuries.
[41] Oh, you may. The individual was nicknamed the chainsaw chicken by the town and the local news stations.
[42] I know, super catchy.
[43] I love it.
[44] Finally, the vandalizer, is that a word in parentheses, was arrested and turned out to be none other than a boy from my middle school.
[45] What?
[46] Oh, you little fucking shit.
[47] Go to your room.
[48] was a couple grades younger than me. Wow.
[49] He would use his family's chainsaw and disappear into the night possibly committing these crimes as some kind of outlet.
[50] I really didn't know him that well, but he always seemed to be pretty quiet, but kind and unfortunately rather friendless.
[51] After his arrest, he disappeared in the juvenile detention system.
[52] For all I know, he could be out of juvie by now.
[53] I would hope so.
[54] But like I said, this all happened in middle school, which was like eight years ago.
[55] Anyway, thank you for your time And always remember to stay sexy And don't hang out with chainsaws or chickens Bye, Maddie Oh my God, what if he's like a forester now Or like works for the utility company Whatever he's doing now I need him to know that I'm in love with him Yeah The spirit, the audacity it takes To get up in the middle of the night And grab your parents chainsaw I mean just wreaking havoc What a little shit The loudest havoc he could reek and how do you not get caught he's a super genius like you're you're taking down an electrical pole and you seem to get away before anyone spots you and then suddenly you're a 12 year old like out of the blue it's just like boom i'm 12 fuck you motherfuckers i'm 12 bitches do you think he wrote around on his like on his BMX bike with the chainsaw around like a guitar on his back I love him so much what's his name I bet it's like it's Jimmy Derek Jimmy Jimmy it's something with a Y yeah it's Jimmy it's yeah it's something like that yeah or like uh Cody Cody that's a Cody move that's such a Cody move taking a chainsaw Cody you little shit Cody your room Cody God damn it Cody has like six other brothers so he has no choice it's just like well I get beaten up every day so I need to take a chainsaw to something The only thing I can do to get any...
[56] I can't tell you how many times in my childhood I wanted to take a chainsaw to everything in the town.
[57] Because they're your sister.
[58] Laura, go to your fucking room.
[59] Laura, you made me. This is a founded walls story.
[60] Oh, shit.
[61] What we always love.
[62] It's a pretty good one.
[63] Okay.
[64] Hi, MFF crew.
[65] My husband is a contractor in Seattle.
[66] Oh, these are all Portland, Seattle and Vancouver stories since we're going to be there this weekend for live shows.
[67] We're teeing it up.
[68] What's up?
[69] What's up?
[70] My husband is a contractor in Seattle and recently started working on a new project, renovating a commercial space that is on a busy road in town.
[71] Yes.
[72] He began demolishing the walls and those few odd small vials fall out of one.
[73] Oh.
[74] The vials are pinky -sized, clear, and with some white powdery residue inside.
[75] Cocaine.
[76] They are also very old.
[77] Old cocaine.
[78] Just age to perfection.
[79] Aged cocaine.
[80] This tastes like a 1912.
[81] Oh, yes.
[82] In the Basque region.
[83] enough.
[84] A few of the vials have labels that are still intact and very clearly legible and say, quote, the name is zonators.
[85] My husband immediately thought it was something meant to go in a nose to stop nosebleeds like cocaine.
[86] But as he found one with a complete label, he realized he was wrong.
[87] These are old school vaginal suppositories.
[88] What?
[89] Then it says WTF.
[90] That is correct.
[91] I work at a nearby clinic and he rushed over to show everyone and we had a good time speculating about what they did for the vagina and more importantly why they'd be in a wall perhaps the space used to be a pharmacy a medical clinic a brothel some old gal's secret stash a quick internet search gave us more info about what but not why according to the national museum of american history these date back to the mid -50s and were meant as a feminine hygiene deodorizing product and the shit that women are supposed to put up their pusses not good it's never good it's bad for you the main ingredient was chloramine which is no longer used on our inner bodies as it is similar to chlorine.
[92] Oh, no. Then there's one exclamation mark in parentheses and can cause tumors to grow.
[93] It sounds like these poor women were bleaching their vaginas.
[94] Here's a copy of the vintage ad we found stating, are you ready for this?
[95] Yes.
[96] The only vaginal support system for feminine hygiene.
[97] Zoniters completely deodorizes.
[98] They keep your person so dainty and feminine, a blessing to fastidious young wives.
[99] Oh, my God.
[100] I work with women in my, I work with women in my clinic, so we all thought it was a pretty fitting, a pretty fitting find.
[101] I have a couple of the vials now on display in my office and I giggle every time I see them.
[102] Thanks for keeping me entertained on my commutes.
[103] Stay sexy and keep your badge dainty, Melissa.
[104] Really, just keep it as dainty as possible.
[105] I honestly wanted you and was hoping to God you were going to say it was like cod liver oil or some old -fashioned, like, terrible medicine.
[106] I mean, just say.
[107] idea that it was bleach is so fucking tragic.
[108] I know.
[109] I know.
[110] It's disgusting.
[111] Yeah.
[112] Motherfuckers.
[113] God damn it.
[114] The patriarchy.
[115] Go to your fucking room.
[116] Get out of there.
[117] Go to your room with Cody.
[118] Take Cody.
[119] Bleach your fucking system.
[120] Fucking cut you down with a chainsaw, motherfuckers.
[121] No wonder I take a chainsaw at every goddamn light pole in my tiny country town.
[122] Okay.
[123] The subject line of this one is, My dad kicked Paul Snyder out of a bar.
[124] Hi, all.
[125] Everyone's great.
[126] onto the story.
[127] Yes.
[128] My dad was born in Vancouver.
[129] In his 20s, he worked and played a lot in the more infamous bars and nightclubs, like the Marble Arch and the number five orange.
[130] Oh, that's a good name.
[131] Those sounds like they're a fun time.
[132] That's a real cigarette holder kind of a place.
[133] Yeah, those are, they got jazz cigarettes there.
[134] Let's go get baked at the number five orange.
[135] Absolutely.
[136] He was a bartender for many years before me and my siblings, before.
[137] me and my siblings came along.
[138] Sorry.
[139] I asked him if he'd ever had to break up a movie style bar brawl.
[140] He did.
[141] That's how he met my mom.
[142] That's hilarious and awesome.
[143] And if he'd ever had to kick anyone famous out, his answer, I nearly got glassed by that a -hole who killed Dorothy Stratton.
[144] Of course, being a murderer, my ears pricked up, and I asked for more details.
[145] Paul Snyder, the eventual estranged husband and murderer of Canadian playmate, an actress Dorothy Stratton, was once a regular on the Vancouver night scene my dad didn't know him but said that no one seemed to actually like him no he was a piece of shit everyone knows I bet his mom did okay despite this um I actually started this book about her and it goes into detail of what he was like and he is like the guy well I'll read this because she her dad knows best okay um my dad didn't know him oh my dad didn't know him but said that no one seemed to like him despite this he had connections and access so maybe they couldn't get rid of him.
[146] I'm kind of picturing a Canadian begbie from train spotting.
[147] Oh, yeah.
[148] That's hilarious.
[149] According to my dad, he had a reputation for trying to pick up girls in bars and clubs and sometimes add them to his stable of sex workers that he kept as a small -time pimp.
[150] He was even known to wear a long fur coat.
[151] One night, Snyder was at a club my dad worked at and he was being super loud and obnoxious.
[152] My dad finally had enough and asked him to leave.
[153] But instead, Snyder tried to break a glass across my dad's head.
[154] a bunch of people jumped in and helped my dad and get him out.
[155] The woman Snyder had been trying to get to leave with him, thanked my dad, and offered him some cocaine in things.
[156] As thanks.
[157] My dad is full of crazy stories like this.
[158] He said that when he and his friends heard that Dorothy Stratton had been killed, they, like many others in the community, felt a sense of guilt and loss.
[159] Like they'd let their little sister get eaten by the big bad wall.
[160] Oh, that's on.
[161] Anyways, thanks for reading.
[162] I'm so excited to see you in Vancouver in a few weeks, and my boyfriend is flying in from England to see you too.
[163] England?
[164] G .M. Jill.
[165] Bloody old.
[166] Bloody old.
[167] Oh, well.
[168] Oh, well.
[169] England, go to your room.
[170] You can tell we haven't recorded in a while.
[171] That's been a while.
[172] It's been a while.
[173] We forgot how to do this.
[174] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[175] Absolutely.
[176] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[177] Exactly.
[178] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify.
[179] is great for online sales.
[180] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[181] That's right.
[182] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[183] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[184] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in -person.
[185] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[186] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[187] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[188] Connect with customers in line and online.
[189] Do retail right with Shopify.
[190] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[191] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[192] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[193] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[194] Goodbye.
[195] Hey, this is exciting.
[196] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[197] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[198] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[199] Who killed Saz?
[200] And were they really after Charles?
[201] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[202] This season, murder hits close to home.
[203] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[204] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[205] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[206] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[207] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[208] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[209] Goodbye.
[210] Let's see here.
[211] This is what people come for is the impression.
[212] Right.
[213] To be sent to their room.
[214] Okay, this one I think is the funniest one I've ever read.
[215] Okay.
[216] Okay, ready.
[217] This is called, this is called.
[218] The Haunted flip phone.
[219] Perfect beginning.
[220] Hi, ladies and Stephen.
[221] Oh.
[222] Just a really quick story.
[223] I had all but forgotten forever until it reappeared to my memory bank late last night in bed when I should have been sleeping.
[224] In the early 2000s, I was a preteen and very excited when I got my first flip phone, mostly just to call my family members and one friend every few weeks.
[225] I remember receiving a text randomly from my mom one day that said, Terry is dead now.
[226] and Terry spelled T -E -R -Y I was so confused and asked my mom and she said she definitely did not send that and had no idea who Terry was for weeks my sister and I were so freaked out trying to figure out who Terry was and we were so worried she died and some creepy ghost or murder or texted me and I was the only one who knew I even thought of telling the police in this case in case a woman named Terry had turned up dead and I held a missing clue maybe this is the beginning of my true crime fascination I laid in bed every night for weeks So worried that Terry was dead And no one knew but me And the flip phone ghost might Return to haunt my text messages To me it seemed like months like this went by Maybe it was days My memories are a little skewed from back then Finally one day after talking about dead Terry again My mom suddenly had an epiphany She looked at her old text messages In her flip phone and started cracking up She exclaimed That she had solved the Terry mystery She showed us a text message That was supposed to be sent to me that said, my battery is dead now.
[227] Somehow the my bat part had been cut off and suddenly the biggest mystery of my life was solved.
[228] Shitty cell service had created the most creepy text that haunted my dreams, not a ghost or a murderer.
[229] Terry was not dead.
[230] Always will in the world.
[231] That's all, love you guys, and can't wait to see you in Portland.
[232] I'm dragging my non -murderino friend along, so please tell very disturbing stories and freak the fuck out of her.
[233] Love Samantha.
[234] Oh my God.
[235] Terry is dead now.
[236] Terry is dead.
[237] that.
[238] I deny everything.
[239] Also, Terry is such a specific, it's like a British man from the 70s.
[240] Yeah.
[241] T -E -R -Y.
[242] It's like you can picture it.
[243] Yeah.
[244] Okay.
[245] This is similar, this is similar, but it's, the subject line is deathbed confession, lighthearted.
[246] George, Karen, Stephen pets.
[247] Three years ago, my mom was in the last stages of dying of cancer.
[248] In the last week, she told me she had a confession to make that she had kept a secret from me for almost 30.
[249] years.
[250] Oh, my God.
[251] I was expecting some sort of tragic accident or I was adopted or something.
[252] No. When I was a kid, I wrote a letter to the Lucky Charms people that I had gotten a box of cereal with almost no marshmallows.
[253] The company sent me an apology letter and a coupon for a free box.
[254] My mom admitted to me that she had actually eaten all the marshmallows but hadn't wanted to admit it for 30 years.
[255] Can't wait to see him in Vancouver, Elizabeth.
[256] my god and that she had she couldn't pass on without admitting it she had to tell her the truth about the lucky charles that was the sweetest most adorable thing I'd ever and then she's like and you're adopted too bye oh my god everyone needs to have a deathbed confession that's like well also don't save them for the deathbed yeah it's how funny would that have I mean like it's still hilarious but it's like it also you know what it is it paints a picture of what her mom was like yeah because I immediately it was like I bet you she's one of those moms she probably didn't overeat she was like zoned out in the kitchen and started doing and then caught herself and was freaked out.
[257] Yeah.
[258] And then the next morning her daughter was like, why are there in it?
[259] Her daughter freaked out about it and wrote a letter and like...
[260] And she just had to stand there and go like, I know.
[261] It's great.
[262] There's no marshalos.
[263] You know what you have to do in a situation like this?
[264] You have to stand up for yourself.
[265] You stand up for yourself and you let those people know.
[266] Oh, unfair it is.
[267] Her name's Cody with a night.
[268] Cody, you need to write a letter.
[269] Cody, your room.
[270] Send us you're funny weird fucked up shit deathbed confessions are great i love i want to know more they don't have to be good they can just be like that one yes exactly they don't well they don't have to be like gray i didn't mean good as in like yeah i'm not calling you cody i'm sorry okay look um it's elizabeth elizabeth i'm sorry i called you cody cody is the code name for uh the destructos cody's short for elizabeth isn't it yes that's what up in the north northwest in the pacific northwest they do things a little differently.
[271] They do things weird.
[272] Send us letters.
[273] My favorite murder at Gmail.
[274] We want to just hear anything weird and funny.
[275] Yeah.
[276] And we can't wait to come and see you, Pacific Northwest.
[277] Yeah.
[278] The home of all murders.
[279] Stay sexy.
[280] And don't get murdered.
[281] Goodbye.
[282] Elvis, want cookie?
[283] Goodbye.