The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 4

[0] Universal Pictures, R -rated comedy, Strays, is the presenting sponsor of The Lost Hans and Franz movie, a special Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend miniseries.

[1] Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie.

[2] Check out Strays in theaters, August 18th.

[3] Hey, Conan O 'Brien here.

[4] Welcome to installment four of the Lost Hans and Franz movie, The Girlie Man Dilemma.

[5] If you've been following, and I think you have, if you're listening to episode four, if not you're an idiot if you're starting with this one.

[6] It will make no sense.

[7] But yes, we are reading a script that was written in 1991 by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neillan, Robert Smigel, myself, and featuring what we hoped would be Arnold Schwarzenegger in the starring role.

[8] We'll tell you if that ended up happening or not.

[9] Don't Google it.

[10] And so now we're, things are really coming along here.

[11] I think when we last left, I believe Rolf, who's evil, evil Rolf, was sucking the flag, from film critic Jesus Christ Roger Ebert and pumping it into Hans and Franz against their will That old saw Yeah You've seen it once You've seen it a thousand times Okay here we go After coming to his senses That helping others is more important than a career in show business Arnold saves Hans and Franz at the last second and the three head to Little Austria for a final showdown Exterior at Little Austriottetown Square The Havit continues four pumped girly men are carrying the schoolhouse.

[12] Redenbacher is now digging a huge hole like a dog.

[13] Horses and townspeople are flying everywhere.

[14] Suddenly Arnold arrives in the Humvee with Hans and Franz.

[15] Interior Humvee.

[16] Arnold reaches for the dashboard.

[17] We see a button marked impressive entrance.

[18] He pushes it.

[19] Exterior Humvee.

[20] Arnold is ejected from the cab, flipping several times in a tuck position through the air until finally landing feet first in the middle of the crowd.

[21] Those that have witnessed this stop in their tracks, they can't believe it's him.

[22] It's Arnold.

[23] Arnold starts pulling the pumped -up girlie men off some of the townspeople.

[24] He punches the pumped -up Sonny Bono.

[25] God rest his soul.

[26] Wow.

[27] Sending him flying into a clothesline where he lands in a little Lord Fauntlery outfit hanging out to dry.

[28] Hans and Franz watch from the sidelines standing near a pretty girl.

[29] Now it's a Popeye episode.

[30] I know.

[31] We are his cousins.

[32] Arnold tussles with the pumped John Ritter and Orville Redden.

[33] Oh, my God.

[34] Hey, if you're listening, get out your late 80s, early 90s reference card.

[35] Orville Redenbocker.

[36] His popcorn lives on.

[37] Everybody knows that guy.

[38] Arnold tussles with the pumped -up John Ritter and Orville Redenbocker saying him flying into twin baby carriages.

[39] We stayed over at his house.

[40] Arnold punches the pumped -up Paul Simon, sending him to skyward.

[41] He's alive!

[42] He's alive!

[43] Simon crashes through the base of an airborne plane.

[44] Airplane, first class, same.

[45] Simon's torso sticks out through the floor.

[46] A female flight attendant approaches him.

[47] Care for a warm towel, sir?

[48] What a revolt.

[49] Oh, yeah, Paul Simon would do it.

[50] Oh, he would because of Lorne.

[51] You're right.

[52] Lauren would have said, you should do it, Paul.

[53] It shows that you're laughing at yourself.

[54] Exterior, little Austria Town Square, same.

[55] With the last girlyman vanquished, Arnold suddenly notices the clock tower about to fall over as the crowd screams in horror Arnold begins flexing his pecks over and over faster and faster until they are going so fast they propel him to float upward like a helicopter.

[56] So helicopter were Arnold floats and I want you to understand this everybody listening.

[57] His pecks his pecks are flexing so quickly they have the same effect as helicopter blades.

[58] They create lift.

[59] Arnold floats to the top of the tower and tilts it upright.

[60] As he floats down, everyone cheers Arnold.

[61] He took her shopping for clothes.

[62] Franz is still bragging to a girl saying next to him.

[63] Arnold climbs up on the stage as the cheering continues.

[64] All right, listen, do you understand what happened here?

[65] This was madness.

[66] You can't wipe out girly men.

[67] A lot of these girly men are important accountants and graphic designers.

[68] Are you saying that girly men have value?

[69] No. Yes.

[70] Yes.

[71] Yes.

[72] Yes, I am saying it.

[73] Why, without girly men, there'd be no muzzlemen.

[74] No, mousal men.

[75] Who do you think made these exercise machines?

[76] Curly men!

[77] These machines did not just happen?

[78] Turning the page?

[79] Licking my finger?

[80] These machines did not just happen?

[81] Some nerdy girly man sat on his fat buttocks and designed them.

[82] Hooray!

[83] Array!

[84] That's my Arnold!

[85] Grandmama!

[86] Yeah.

[87] We should say, we wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play his own grandmother.

[88] Yeah, so Arnold wearing a grandmother's...

[89] Wasn't enough.

[90] We were going to say, oh, and Arnold, by the way, we're putting a grandmother wig on you.

[91] Yes.

[92] You're going to medea it and say, that's my Arnold!

[93] Arnold is exultant.

[94] He waves to grandmamma.

[95] Suddenly, Rolf swings from the Mr. Little Austria banner, and knocks Arnold over.

[96] Gone soft, Mr. Hollywood!

[97] They circle each other on stage.

[98] The crowd watches anxiously.

[99] Welcome to your rap party.

[100] The crowd murmurs in approval.

[101] That was a good one.

[102] Sorry to be the party pooper.

[103] The crowd murmurs again.

[104] That wasn't too shabby.

[105] You're the pooper.

[106] I'm the pooper, scooper.

[107] Oh, crowd murmurs loudly.

[108] That was the topper so far.

[109] Rolf reaches and picks up a large barbell.

[110] Scoop this!

[111] Rolf flicks the barbell, firing three giant weights at Arnold.

[112] Arnold catches the first two with each hand and the third one in his mouth.

[113] He spits it out and speaks.

[114] Watch yourself.

[115] I could very easily stretch your flab so thin I could use it for dental floss.

[116] You arrogant, son of a Freitzenheiser!

[117] Rolf charges Arnold with the barbell through special effects.

[118] And trick photography.

[119] I wonder why we had to say that.

[120] As if everything else can happen easily.

[121] Arnold grabs Rolf and actually stretches his buttocks and love handles into long ropes of flab, rapidly stretching them thinner and thinner.

[122] Exterior stage moments later.

[123] Arnold Hans and Franz are sitting atop a dazed ralph.

[124] They are flossing their teeth with his stretched flab.

[125] So gross.

[126] Iye, aye, y 'all.

[127] Remember, fellas, get under the gum.

[128] It's very important.

[129] The crowd cheers.

[130] Suddenly, lasers shoot out of the sky, narrowly missing Arnold Hans and Franz.

[131] They converge and form a giant, swirling, holographic image that represents Mr. X. Postpone your celebration.

[132] The townspeople huddle and fear.

[133] Who's that?

[134] Oh, no, it's the voice guy from the earlier in the movie.

[135] You have in the feet.

[136] and for that you will pay the price.

[137] I do not take kindly to meddling muscle heads failing up my work.

[138] As Mr. X speaks, pan over a frightened villagers' faces ending on helmet licking a candy apple.

[139] Suddenly, a damp t -shirt fires from the hologram and hovers.

[140] Remember this shirt, Franz?

[141] Yeah, I sent it to laundry.

[142] It didn't quite make it.

[143] The t -shirt flies violently into Franz's face with a loud thwap, and he rides and disgust.

[144] Oh, the smell!

[145] The talents people wince.

[146] Helmut continues eating.

[147] Suddenly, ten sweat socks shoot out from the hologram and hover.

[148] Recognize these socks, Hans?

[149] I'm not sure.

[150] Small wonder, they've been sitting at the bottom of your laundry basket for months.

[151] The socks fire at Hans, covering him.

[152] One flies into his mouth.

[153] Go!

[154] Many of the villages are now wearing gas masks.

[155] Suddenly a large jockstrap fires out of the hologram and hovers.

[156] Arnold.

[157] No, no, not my jockstrap.

[158] Please, anything but my...

[159] The jockstrap shoots out and wraps around Arnold's face.

[160] Craziest thing ever written.

[161] The crowd screams in horror.

[162] This was your idea.

[163] What was it?

[164] France.

[165] The crowd screams in horror.

[166] A helmet still watching impassively is jostled by a shocked villager.

[167] His candy apple is stuck to a curtain as he pulls the app.

[168] The curtain.

[169] is open revealing a man operating levers.

[170] Hans and Franz notice.

[171] Franz, look over there.

[172] The hologram effects slow down.

[173] Pay no attention to the man behind the cat.

[174] I don't believe it.

[175] Hans, Franz, and Arnold start moving toward the booth.

[176] The man frantically works the controls.

[177] I said pay no attention.

[178] I...

[179] The man turns weakly toward them.

[180] He is Jack Lelaine.

[181] Oh, no. God rest his.

[182] May he rest in peace Jack La Lane is a 1950s reference.

[183] May Jack LaLane's children also rest in peace.

[184] Oh my God!

[185] We pinned the whole thing on Jack La...

[186] Even in 91, this was a huge stretch.

[187] It was a bit of a stretch, yes.

[188] In 10 years, they'll be reading it and they say, God bless Hans and France.

[189] Yeah, exactly.

[190] All right, so the man turns weekly toward the minute.

[191] I'll just explain to anyone listening.

[192] Jackal Lane was the original fitness workout guy from the 19th, 40s, 50s, 60s.

[193] I'm going to substitute Regis for him.

[194] Yeah.

[195] The man turns weakly toward them.

[196] He is Jackalane.

[197] La Lane.

[198] There you go.

[199] That's right.

[200] It's me. You worthless, hateful piece of scum.

[201] How could you?

[202] Well, I'm on a...

[203] I can't do Regis.

[204] Pick a sick of wood.

[205] If I had to talk about you.

[206] Okay.

[207] I'm an old man. I don't have a lot going.

[208] John, what about your infomercials?

[209] I knocked those off at an hour.

[210] I should have known you're the lowest form of life on the planet.

[211] Don't move a step closer, Swashenegger.

[212] Now, after this, we'll discuss our pitch to Jack Lelaine.

[213] And the line, you're the lowest form of life on the planet.

[214] Would have then been an 85 -year -old exercise guru.

[215] I think he would have been the first one to say yes.

[216] He would like this, Jack.

[217] You're not going to like this.

[218] would have done it.

[219] Lelaine reaches and grabs Grammamage Schwarzenegger from the crowd.

[220] He holds it.

[221] Well, the old gal gets it.

[222] Grandma!

[223] You vire little rogast.

[224] I swear to God at this point.

[225] Robert, you and I are just having fun.

[226] What can we say to Jacqueline?

[227] Who's a revered, lovely man. Let's tell the next line.

[228] Maybe so, but this rodent bites.

[229] So, Lelaine is accepting he's by a little rude.

[230] He takes the criticism and he puts it right back.

[231] Grandmama expertly elbows Lelaine in the gut, then grabs him by his head and flips him over her.

[232] He lands on the ground with a huge thud, but Lelaine gets up, diving head first into Grandma's gut.

[233] Arnold moves into help.

[234] Stay back, he's mine!

[235] That's grandma says that.

[236] I'm just distinguishing her.

[237] Yeah.

[238] First, Arnold.

[239] Arnold reluctantly backs off as grandmama and Lelaine viciously go at it, kicking, biting, and pulling him.

[240] It's an ugly standoff until Elaine suddenly grabs Grandma's glasses and crushes them.

[241] With Grandma's disoriented, Elaine kicks her in the groin.

[242] Sending her to the floor, writhing.

[243] Arnold Somley walks over to his Humvee, lifts a side fender, and pulls out a giant pump -action shotgun.

[244] That's no way to treat a lady.

[245] He points the shotgun at Elaine and fires.

[246] Elaine is hit in the head, producing a giant hole that quickly closes up via morph effect as in Terminator 2.

[247] Elaine is made of liquid metal.

[248] Now he says yes to the project.

[249] Nice try, Swachie.

[250] Now bow at my feet, gentlemen.

[251] Come on, everybody bow.

[252] Lelaine raises his arms triumphantly and steps aboard his Jacqueline's stepper exercise machine.

[253] As the others slowly bow at his feet, he steps proudly on the machine.

[254] I am the first.

[255] I am forever.

[256] Hans and Franz, kneeling suddenly notice a speed control knob at the foot of the stepper.

[257] Franz quickly turns it to its Top speed, the lane begins to step out of control.

[258] I am la -lal -da -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -lid -lid -lid -lid -lid -lid -lid -lid -lid -lidlid.

[259] The stepper propels the lane, sending him flying into the hologram.

[260] It's a nothing.

[261] He's gone.

[262] You've killed him.

[263] Hail to Hans and Franz.

[264] La Lane is dead!

[265] Everyone cheers.

[266] Arnold, look, the converted muscleman.

[267] Using the morph effect, Bono, Simon, Redenbacher, it said, happily return to their original bodies.

[268] They are turning back into growing men.

[269] As it should be.

[270] And look, everyone.

[271] The sun comes out, birds chirp, a rainbow starts to form.

[272] The environment.

[273] It's better.

[274] It's still deteriorating, but, you know, at an acceptable rate.

[275] Yeah.

[276] Everyone cheers.

[277] Suddenly near the horizon, a large mouth forms out of the ground.

[278] It is the earth speaking.

[279] Now, who's going to ask the earth to do this?

[280] Who's doing the earth?

[281] saved me so that generations to come I also enjoy my bounty.

[282] I thank you all, and I know that they would thank you too.

[283] You're very welcome, Earth.

[284] I got you this.

[285] A bottle of wine with the ribbon on it shoots out of the earth's mouth and lands in Arnold's hand.

[286] Thank you.

[287] Aren't you going to open it?

[288] Well, sure.

[289] Okay.

[290] The man at the store said it was your favorite.

[291] No, no, it's great wine.

[292] Thank you.

[293] Thank you.

[294] My pleasure.

[295] Well, I should be going.

[296] thanks again see you later yeah yeah thank you thanks uh thank you all the best you're the best the mouth dissolves the mouth dissolves back into the earth i'm sorry one of my favorite kinds of humor this feels very robert to me is i don't know it is is is the dryness of the earth opens up and thanks arnold for saving the environment has an awkward conversation and then there has to be an awkward flat conversation of i got you this Oh, it's nice.

[297] Well, the guy at the store said it's your favorite.

[298] Oh, no, oh, yeah, yeah.

[299] Like, this is a gift from the earth to a human.

[300] And it's a bottle of wine that Arnold's, like, okay with.

[301] Like, just put that aside.

[302] I love that Arnold is such a superstar that he has sort of higher status than the Earth.

[303] Yes, he does.

[304] Like, the Earth is trying to.

[305] But also, what the Earth is, what is the Earth?

[306] If the Earth is a player in this, what the fuck has it been doing this whole movie?

[307] movie.

[308] Now he shows up and gives some wine.

[309] I like the conversation he has with the wine guy in the, you know, the wine store.

[310] How does the earth go in there?

[311] The earth has to go.

[312] Yeah, this was before Amazon.

[313] Before Amazon, the earth has to go.

[314] Excuse me. Yeah.

[315] I'm looking for something like in a red, I think.

[316] How much do you want to spend?

[317] A hundred's too much, but I'd go above 50.

[318] I just have that.

[319] I'm looking for, what do you think Arnold Schwarzen Senegger would like.

[320] The Earth asking.

[321] The Earth is a reasonable budget.

[322] That was insane.

[323] I love that it's Jack La Lane.

[324] I'm just thinking of all the studio notes we would have had.

[325] They would have said, The Mr. X reveal cannot be Jack La Lane.

[326] You've got to come up with someone.

[327] You can't get the Earth.

[328] It's doing another movie now.

[329] The Earth is insulted.

[330] It's a big Ebert fan.

[331] It's hired to making fun of himself.

[332] Wow, that was a great, actually flossing themselves with flat.

[333] I kind of understand why it didn't get made.

[334] I don't know.

[335] I see now.

[336] It was all about Arnold.

[337] If Arnold had really believed in it and wanted.

[338] But there would have been a lot of changes.

[339] Yeah, probably, probably.

[340] I don't think this would have, I think that we would have made many concessions.

[341] But, you know, also it starts off so surreal and crazy, and then you don't think it could get any crazier, but then all of a sudden the earth is talking.

[342] No, no, no, it definitely follows.

[343] a familiar pattern, which is it starts pretty insane.

[344] And then that is the low point of insanity.

[345] And then it tops it.

[346] We mentioned earlier, this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays.

[347] Very excited to have Strays as our sponsor, Sona.

[348] You and Blay went to an early screening, and you told me you really liked it.

[349] I loved it.

[350] And actually, I'm really glad they're sponsoring because I don't have to lie and say I like that.

[351] I actually really, really liked it a lot.

[352] It made me laugh.

[353] Blay, what did you think?

[354] I loved it.

[355] It's about Reggie, a naive and eternally optimistic dog who's trying to find his way back home when he meets Bug, a street smart stray that teaches Reggie how fucking great life can be when you're off the leash.

[356] It was fantastic.

[357] It's like a classic raunchy comedy.

[358] And what are some of the jokes that you liked in it?

[359] Well, there's one where they go to like a carnival and then the fireworks go off and they think they're at war.

[360] And then there's just like a really funny take on it.

[361] One is like also they want to be friends with each other.

[362] So they just all pee on each other.

[363] Yeah, if you pee on something, you own it.

[364] And my favorite part was they do shrooms at one point.

[365] It gets, like, really trippy.

[366] It was super, super funny.

[367] It's really funny.

[368] I mean, we're not doing it justice.

[369] It's definitely, if you just want to laugh in a movie, it's awesome.

[370] Well, it's not a kid's movie.

[371] We want to point out it's rated R. Definitely.

[372] All right.

[373] So there's no confusion there.

[374] Don't pack up all the kids and bring them.

[375] Yeah.

[376] But I have heard this is quite a funny movie.

[377] It is from the humans who brought you cocaine bear and 21 Jump Street.

[378] Yes.

[379] It's important to remember.

[380] So these people know what they're doing.

[381] And it stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Fox, Ila Fisher, and Randall Park, the best.

[382] It's a very good cast.

[383] So check out Stray's only in theaters, August 18th.

[384] You got to go to the theater.

[385] It's time to go back, people.

[386] These dogs don't give a sit.

[387] Do it, see what I did there?

[388] Let's see if the earth is the mic drop.

[389] Or do we go sentimental?

[390] I don't even remember this last.

[391] It's just like a closing song, I think.

[392] Like one of a...

[393] This is now...

[394] All about the message of learning to live on.

[395] Well, everything has to have a song in it.

[396] That's true.

[397] There's a lot of songs.

[398] But this one, yes, this was sort of an obligatory kind of closing lesson.

[399] Yeah.

[400] Okay, here we go.

[401] Exterior, little Austria.

[402] These towns been through a lot these past few days.

[403] As Arnold speaks, all the principles and townspeople gather behind him.

[404] But we've all learned something very important.

[405] Yeah, we learned that Gelleman and Mosulman can live side by side.

[406] Oh, no. Wait, wait, we talked about this, remember?

[407] Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, all right.

[408] Music kicks in.

[409] Everyone holds hands.

[410] First, Hans and France's literal gardening.

[411] Should I just sing this?

[412] Yeah, music kicks in.

[413] Everyone holds hands.

[414] First, Hans and Franz's literal guardian angel sings.

[415] This is the guardian angel singing.

[416] What was the guardian angel?

[417] Was that earlier in the movie?

[418] That is from earlier in the movie.

[419] Can you tell us what was the context?

[420] Did he have an accent?

[421] It was during when they were eating the litters of the Hollywood sign at a low point, the guardian angel came to help.

[422] And was he just like a Clarence kind of figure?

[423] Yeah, exactly.

[424] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[425] And they disregard his advice.

[426] Yes, right, it's a wonderful life.

[427] I can eat all I want.

[428] And you'll understand.

[429] I can sit on my ass and we can live hand in hand.

[430] Then Paul Simon.

[431] I can get weak and fat and enjoy a kit cat.

[432] Then everyone together.

[433] Because it's a brotherhood of man and girly man. Gavin McLeod sings.

[434] I can eat mint milanos from Pepperidge Farm.

[435] And Sonny Bono.

[436] I can let my ass egg and be free of harm.

[437] I will think before I bummer.

[438] Every loser has his place.

[439] Roger Reber.

[440] I can go to the movies and stuff my face.

[441] And Orville Redenbacher.

[442] I can let myself go to hell while I work out all day.

[443] That's a grand amount.

[444] But I work out all day.

[445] Ben Arnold sings.

[446] We can, dubs with James Ingram's voice.

[447] We can all embody pompitude in our own peculiar way.

[448] Guardian Angel sings.

[449] I cannot have a neck and still have a ball.

[450] And the earth sings.

[451] And if nobody litters, I'm fine with it all.

[452] Hans and Franz.

[453] It's not pretty to look at, but we must understand.

[454] Everybody.

[455] The motherhood of man and girly man. So, Hans, what do we do now?

[456] I wish I knew.

[457] Amy steps in behind them.

[458] Oh, we'll think of something.

[459] Amy.

[460] The three of them hug.

[461] Arnold approaches.

[462] Well, fellas, I'm on my way.

[463] Please stay on.

[464] Please don't go.

[465] My place is on the coast.

[466] You guys want the ride?

[467] Hans and Franz both put their arms around Amy.

[468] Everything revant is right here What?

[469] It's like an orphan from earlier So it's not a romantic interest Oh, I said it sexually Oh, it was It was a romantic interest The joke was that they're so close That they just have one girlfriend Oh, I forgot that It was written in a very innocent way Out of context, it looks incredibly creepy Yeah, it looks really creepy.

[470] It looks very strange This is just sweet No one's having sex here Yeah, yeah and Franz both put their arms around Amy and say everything we want is right here.

[471] Hans and Franz cheerfully hug Arnold.

[472] Arnold approaches grandmamma and hugs her.

[473] You know, we didn't really get to talk or even stand next to each other.

[474] But still, it meant a lot to me. Yeah.

[475] Take care, Liebson.

[476] So we're now getting met about the fact that they're both played by the same person.

[477] Yeah.

[478] It's been 30 -some odd years.

[479] Arnold tears up and sadly walks away.

[480] Waves goodbye one more time, then transforms into a plane and flies away.

[481] Yes, it's a brother of man and girly man. Ariel's shot of the townspeople singing from Arnold's perspective.

[482] The Arnold plane wearing sunglasses flies across the screen and waves to camera.

[483] The end.

[484] Over the credits, we play a clip of Arnold in the Pride of the Yankees remake, in which he hits the homer and rounds the bases, making an Arnold quip to his opponent at each base.

[485] Oh, yeah.

[486] Wow.

[487] The movie that never got made.

[488] Wow.

[489] That was something.

[490] Do it again?

[491] I can't, yeah.

[492] Now we have the bonus material.

[493] At the time, I remember even as we were doing this thinking, how would they technically pull this off?

[494] But now I think about all the movies, Lego movie, and how far.

[495] far CGI has come, you've worked on movies like with Adam Cynum, like, don't mess with the Zohan, where I know the script had things like, you know, John Chituro tunneling through the earth, and then you see it, and it's hilarious, and it works.

[496] But if you looked at it in 1991, you might wonder how you'd do that.

[497] I guess we thought all of these things were physically doable with some kind of technology.

[498] Well, I just think we thought we thought we thought Arnold could really do them all.

[499] We were so impressed with him.

[500] We just thought he could do all this stuff.

[501] He told us.

[502] He told us he could do it.

[503] That's what really happened.

[504] He told us, yeah, yeah, I'll convert into a play and whatever you want.

[505] Then it's, Arnold, here's the script.

[506] I'm the last action hero bomb.

[507] I can't.

[508] Let me ask you go out of my hands.

[509] A question.

[510] Did any official person read the script?

[511] Like the Paramount people.

[512] Did we get, what were our, what was our feedback?

[513] I think it was dead on arrival because of Arnold, but I think they hated it.

[514] I think, I mean, I feel like Barry, like one of the executives was like, this is ridiculous.

[515] I think.

[516] Really, you'd think it's ridiculous?

[517] I'll ask him because I know him to this day.

[518] You do?

[519] Yeah.

[520] He's not going to remember.

[521] This is 30 years ago.

[522] He'll remember.

[523] That's all he remembers how she he was.

[524] I know we wrote it in 1991.

[525] Is that right?

[526] Yeah.

[527] But didn't we reference Wayne's World in it?

[528] So I'm confused.

[529] Well, the sketch was cooking.

[530] I don't know if the movie.

[531] was out till 92.

[532] We might have added that later.

[533] We must have, yeah.

[534] Yeah, to try and get Lauren excited.

[535] But I wrote a Western with Bob Onerkirk called Tucson.

[536] And it made the people mad that read it.

[537] They were just angry.

[538] Oh, really?

[539] Yeah.

[540] It was as out there as this for sure.

[541] Oh, I did have the same experience.

[542] I think the worst thing can happen is just for people to read it and be bored.

[543] Yeah.

[544] I think the greatest triumph is to have a studio, read your script, and really love it.

[545] I think the second greatest triumph is for them to read it and really hate it.

[546] Because that means you've done something.

[547] It was hysterical.

[548] I mean, Lovitz was the sheriff, and I was the guy from Ireland who had only read about the West and was super excited.

[549] I come to the town, and Lovitz is up there pleading for his life when he ran for mayor or whatever.

[550] And there's big signs next to himself.

[551] If I don't clean up the town, you can hang me. And so he's on the noose.

[552] And then I come in the rescue.

[553] So it was, you know, in Lincoln and was on a train with a high pig.

[554] Boy, it was really funny, super funny.

[555] I'm sure, and they hated it.

[556] Which studio?

[557] One guy, I don't know, probably Columbia.

[558] Everything went there those days.

[559] I wrote with Odencirk, too.

[560] I wrote a De Bears movie with Odin 'Kirk.

[561] De Bears.

[562] Bad bears.

[563] And it was similarly ridiculous.

[564] It ended with like, you know, the Bears entering the Indianapolis 500 with a bus and Dicka driving it and all this idiocy.

[565] And, like, they were so supportive.

[566] It was through Lauren and Paramount.

[567] And this executive was, like, oh, I want to read it, please let me read it.

[568] And Bob and I, it was like 160 pages.

[569] Let us cut it down.

[570] We haven't.

[571] I can't wait.

[572] I just have to read it.

[573] And we're like fine.

[574] And we gave her the script and we never spoke.

[575] She never spoke to us.

[576] That's the third one.

[577] That's the third one.

[578] They hate it.

[579] They love it or or they'll never speak to you again.

[580] I'm going to read it this weekend.

[581] I literally never spoke to the woman again in my life.

[582] And she was like really close and nurturing and supportive.

[583] But they swear they're going to read it.

[584] We went, Robert and I went through a version of this when we did a TV pilot, Lookwell, with Adam West.

[585] And we were just so excited about it.

[586] And we shot it and we got pretty much.

[587] Yeah, we got to make it.

[588] We got to make it and we got to make it the way we wanted to make it.

[589] And we were really happy with it.

[590] And we sent it to, I'll never forget, we were in the legendary Bernie Brilstein's offices.

[591] And what happened was we were ready to, we were pretty sure it was going to become a series.

[592] I just remember being, I was very certain.

[593] You were.

[594] I was really sure.

[595] and I was very excited because I was young and naive and this would be around this same time as the Hans and Franz movie but I remember Bernie Brillstein was telling us this thing's gonna be a hit it's gonna be great and just then they said oh Bernie it's NBC on the line for you and he picked up the phone in front of us and I don't know what's this because they had just had the screen he was like what's the stock and so we're excited and I remember Bernie was wearing all black and he got so mad he picks up the phone and he just is like so what's the good word And all of a sudden he goes like, well, fuck you!

[596] I think it's hilarious.

[597] What do you mean?

[598] You screened after lunch?

[599] No one wants to laugh after lunch.

[600] And immediately I saw my future dissolve.

[601] I'll never forget that phone call either because Bernie also, he obviously represented Lauren and the other pilot that Lauren's company had going, which was not a Brillstein co -production because Jack Handy wasn't represented by Brilstein, but you were.

[602] So that's why it was a Brillstein production, look well, was a two.

[603] Tunesis the cat pilot.

[604] Yep.

[605] Which seems like they'll never make that, right?

[606] Because it's like Jack Handy, but as brilliant as he was, like now we're going to put him in prime time.

[607] And Rick Ludwin, over the phone, Rick Ludwin's telling Bernie, yeah, I think we, I think Tunesist is still alive and we're going to, you're going to fucking take the Adam West thing.

[608] Adam is so fucking funny in it.

[609] You're going to kill that one.

[610] You're going to put the cat thing on the air.

[611] It's going to be a fucking bomb.

[612] It's going to fucking.

[613] tank and he's Lauren's manager he should be saying great yeah okay some good news no exaggeration the first time I was with Brad Gray in the office and Bernie's office on the other side Brad goes Brad Gray goes you want to go say a little Bernie so we went over to Bernie's door and just like you were all I heard was what you got you god damn it he was like maybe we'll come back later he had a giant he had a white beard and white hair big guy And he was...

[614] Iconic.

[615] He's just the greatest.

[616] Yeah.

[617] Just an amazing...

[618] But incredibly charming, we should say.

[619] Absolutely.

[620] No, I love Bernie.

[621] If Bernie had been behind Hans and Franz, this movie, if he had somehow, he could have made it happen.

[622] He could have with sheer by just yelling...

[623] By yelling into...

[624] He did get a lot of shit made.

[625] I'm not sure if this is folklore or true, but that Lorne maybe was...

[626] Or S &O maybe wasn't going to get a pickup for 86, and it was Bernie who went to the head of NBC.

[627] see you got to give the man his dignity you can't do it like this i don't know if that's folklore did you ever listen to his uh audible book about his life what did i do where did i go right right yeah it's really interesting when i was over man i was sad in my car i listened to the cassette tapes oh yeah i still have it at home but it was it was really good i liked it i mean he was a behind the scene stuff a great storyteller he was talking about living next door to uh who was the head of disney for a long time?

[628] Mickey Mouse?

[629] Yeah.

[630] He lived next door to Mickey Mouse.

[631] Katzenberg.

[632] No, no, before that.

[633] He was Eisner.

[634] He said one of his wives, his ex -wives, he was in a big argument with her and yelling and stuff out in the driveway.

[635] And Eisner came out and goes, what's going on?

[636] You guys, what are you doing?

[637] He goes, you marry her.

[638] You marry her.

[639] Oh, my God.

[640] All right, well, we got off track here again.

[641] A little memory lane.

[642] Listen, a little, you know, whatever, those little audio.

[643] trims here and there.

[644] You look at your team, like a dog on the set looks to his trainer.

[645] Yeah, I'm looking over there.

[646] You know what I see?

[647] I see 12 angry men.

[648] Well, they're anger all right.

[649] We don't want to convict him unless we got evidence.

[650] Well, we got it.

[651] Henry Fonda, what we did Jack LaLame, we could certainly do Henry Fonda.

[652] Well, this was a lot of fun.

[653] I have to say, I was really looking forward to this, and this did not disappoint.

[654] I forgot pretty much all of this.

[655] I did too.

[656] But I remembered it being a really fun experience.

[657] I remembered that being a really great time in my life, all of us working on that.

[658] And so the chance to bring it back to life, even in this form, was really enjoyable.

[659] It was great.

[660] And every time I go to New York and I go buy that cable car, was it the Staten Island?

[661] Roosevelt.

[662] I think that's going to Little Austria.

[663] That cable car is going a little bit off year.

[664] Oh, that wasn't in the script that we read, but it was in the, right?

[665] Yeah, yeah.

[666] It was in the, yeah, that's how you get to Little Austria.

[667] You get off the subway.

[668] Yes.

[669] And then you can make the transfer.

[670] And that was even today, when I do stand up, if I'm heckled, that's always a good go -to.

[671] If someone heckles you, yeah, look at you.

[672] Those little girly mind.

[673] You know, just go to that.

[674] That's the only way I do it anymore.

[675] How about you, Kev?

[676] Do you do it?

[677] I don't do it.

[678] I don't do it.

[679] I move on.

[680] I do.

[681] I can't picture him.

[682] Yeah.

[683] No, I don't live in the past like that, man. I got too much ahead of me. Well, when we've done corporate gigs in the past, this is probably the 90s, we would, they dress this up and we go out and do Hans and Franz.

[684] Yeah, it's sad sometimes.

[685] Some will bring it up.

[686] I go, oh, you mean Hans and Fromms from the 1900s?

[687] I gotcha, man. Like, you mean from like 30 years ago?

[688] Is that right?

[689] People loved it.

[690] There's nothing wrong with that.

[691] You listen to me and you listen good, calling.

[692] Hear me now.

[693] Hear me now.

[694] I know what I said before, but I've changed my mind.

[695] I've gone back to Hans and Franz.

[696] I wonder if Kubrick ever thought that.

[697] Well, 2001, Nick said it was like from 25 years ago, you know.

[698] Not that we're 2001, but you know what I mean?

[699] No, you just compared yourself to Kubrick.

[700] Yes, my favorite.

[701] Well, this has been fun, guys.

[702] I'm going to wrap this up.

[703] I hope you guys enjoyed doing this much as I did.

[704] I love you guys.

[705] And I say that, not even making eye contact.

[706] Love you.

[707] Damn it.

[708] Robert just got my eye.

[709] I know people listen to this.

[710] They're thinking, why don't they make a movie about it?

[711] I mean, we look the same.

[712] Arnold kind of looks older.

[713] Yeah.

[714] But I mean, why not?

[715] We pitched it as an animated movie.

[716] Aren't you the guy that won't even mention Hans and Franz in a corporate game?

[717] No, I said I wouldn't do them.

[718] You wouldn't put that.

[719] You'll make the movie, though.

[720] I wouldn't do it.

[721] I'll talk about that.

[722] All right, well, I say, I think we open this to social media and ask for donations.

[723] That nothing will make people angrier.

[724] Hey, say Kickstarter as Arnold.

[725] Yeah.

[726] Kickstarter.

[727] It's a perfect word.

[728] It's a perfect word.

[729] It's just get it going.

[730] Come on, let's do this.

[731] Kickstarter.

[732] And then we make a remake of the all -time smash hit holiday holiday classic.

[733] Jingle all the way.

[734] Thanks.

[735] Everyone get down.

[736] All right, guys.

[737] I hope you enjoyed this.

[738] If you enjoyed this 8 % as much as we enjoyed doing it, then we failed.

[739] Failed miserably.

[740] Failed you.

[741] All right.

[742] Peace out.

[743] Tupac.

[744] Offi de same.

[745] Avivus in.

[746] performed by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neillan, Robert Smigle, and Conan O 'Brien.

[747] Additional voice work by Matt Goorley, Sonam of Sessian, David Hopping, and Matt Powers.

[748] Produced and edited by me, Matt Goorley.

[749] Directed by Matt Powers.

[750] Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[751] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[752] Engineering by Eduardo Perez and Talent Booking by Paula Davis.

[753] and Gina Batista.

[754] Subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[755] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.