How to Get Kids’ Heads Out of Screens This Summer

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[24] So during the pandemic, did your kids become more reliant on screens?

[25] Well, of course they did because they're doing school online.

[26] Only sometimes they weren't because they were on YouTube or TikTok, right?

[27] And because you had to fill like 14 hours a day with something, it just happened, right?

[28] And there's no need.

[29] Look, we all know that it's not awesome and it's not a great thing that our kids' heads are in their screens all the time.

[30] We all agree on that.

[31] There's no judgment.

[32] There's no guilt because this happened.

[33] It happened.

[34] Now it's time that we address this, right?

[35] And I want to give you some practical tools for that.

[36] And I know this is important because we are getting flooded with emails saying, well, a couple things, but saying one, our first vacation of the year was miserable because the kids' heads were in screens the whole time.

[37] And then we got some really good emails from people who said, hey, we download your control screens program and it really, really helped.

[38] And it changed our vacation and we're on a good spot now, better spot.

[39] And so I want to give you some tools.

[40] and so that you can use as we begin the summer so that over the summer we can change this family dynamic.

[41] So that's what we're going to do on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[42] So welcome.

[43] This is Kirk Martin.

[44] Founder Celebrate Calm.

[45] You can find us at CelebrateCalm .com.

[46] If you need help, go on to your screen and email our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, and he'll help you out.

[47] Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with.

[48] We'll, ages of the kids, we will reply with very specific strategies and advice and tips for you and encouragement.

[49] And if you need help with our programs, Casey can put together a specific bundle of resources within your budget.

[50] Or just go to celebrate calm .com because we get a big sale at summertime.

[51] It's Father's Day coming up.

[52] Get everything we have.

[53] That's our best, best, best deal or the Calm Parenting package.

[54] And that screens program is in either of those.

[55] So I want to throw out some ideas.

[56] This is not going to solve everything, right?

[57] Because it's not like one podcast solved our entire screen issue that it took years of getting out of control.

[58] But I want to give you a few tools.

[59] And some of you will use some of them.

[60] Some of you will use all of them.

[61] But that just roll in here.

[62] Before I get to the big idea, I want to give you three quick ideas.

[63] One is this, which we did use.

[64] And by the way, if you talk to Casey, he actually did a really good job and still does of managing his screen time.

[65] So he's a good one to talk to and he has on his straight talk for kids.

[66] It's the CD he did for kids.

[67] He talks about that a little bit.

[68] But he's a good one to talk to because he actually lives this out.

[69] Number one, I just call this require exercise or fresh air.

[70] So to counter, because you know what happens.

[71] When your kids get their heads on their screens, they turn into irritable little zombies, right?

[72] And so this is a hard and fast rule that we enforced, both with Casey, and we had 1 ,500 kids in our home over the course of a decade.

[73] We did a lot of summer camps where I told the kids, yeah, you can bring your, back then it was bring your DS, bring it.

[74] You're not going to play on it, but you can bring it because I'm going to teach you how to get control of that.

[75] And so none of them liked it.

[76] But here was the, here was the tradition, you can call a rule.

[77] we called it a tradition.

[78] Tradition in our home, because traditions tell you what to do, right?

[79] Tradition is you play Minecraft, you play your video games, you got your head on a screen, then you must exercise outside for at least five minutes, because that's not too long, immediately afterward, or go walk the dog for 10 or 15 minutes.

[80] I know, but I don't want to go outside.

[81] Well, good.

[82] Then you don't want to get on your screens.

[83] No, come on, really, really.

[84] Why?

[85] And you don't have to explain why.

[86] Look, my response, it's a simple choice.

[87] No exercise after screens, no screens for three days, up to you.

[88] And guess what they're going to say?

[89] Mom, dad, you are so filled with wisdom and we're so glad that you stay firm with that so we understand boundaries.

[90] It makes us feel safe.

[91] Yeah, they're not going to say that.

[92] They're going to be upset and you're stupid.

[93] None of the other parents require their kids to do that.

[94] I get that.

[95] I get that.

[96] I'll give you a bonus here though and this isn't really a bonus this is part of it moms and dads I guarantee you if you leave your screens behind and you go outside and play and you yes you have to do that wait guys just go out and play your kids don't know how to do it they go outside and look around like what do we do without a screen go outside and play the truth is you don't want to get outside because you're tired and you don't feel like it But go show them the games you played as kids.

[97] Do the mischievous ones.

[98] The fun stuff we did as kids.

[99] Your kids, after complaining, whining, trying to make you miserable, will eventually follow.

[100] But you need to be the parents.

[101] And you've got to push through the whining and complaining.

[102] I did this with 1 ,500 kids.

[103] That's how it got so good at it.

[104] Why do we have to do this, Mr. Kirk?

[105] This is so hot out.

[106] It's raining.

[107] It's cold.

[108] I don't like how it feels.

[109] My legs are going to fall off.

[110] That's, of course, what they're going to do, right?

[111] So you just keep leading.

[112] You lead them outside.

[113] You don't force them.

[114] You don't yell at them.

[115] Just lead them and get outside.

[116] That will begin.

[117] It's a new habit, a new tradition that you introduce.

[118] Just like that.

[119] Second idea.

[120] Lead by your example.

[121] I love this one.

[122] Call a family meeting just so you make your kids grown.

[123] And say with a gravetone, guys, we need to talk about screen usage in our home because it's completely out of control.

[124] And then you pause for effect because now the kids are going to be like, great, now you're going to take away all our screens.

[125] Now you're going to go Amish on us and we won't even have electricity.

[126] No, then you say, you know what, I'm on my screens way too much.

[127] And now you can watch your kids' mouths hang open because they didn't expect that, did they?

[128] See, now I can teach.

[129] Look, I lecture you all the time about always being on the computer, on your phone, on video games, when I'm just as obsessed.

[130] I'm tired of not giving you my undivided attention when I pick you up from school, when we're at home, because I'm always texting, I'm always looking down at screen too.

[131] And it bugs me that I get so sucked into the TV or computer screen or Netflix and I stay up too late.

[132] So will you help me with that?

[133] That's a cool thing.

[134] thing.

[135] That's parental leadership.

[136] That's giving kids a little bit of ownership and kids respect, honesty and authenticity.

[137] And for most of us, what I just said is true.

[138] We are to relying on it.

[139] And we do get sucked into it and we don't like it.

[140] So ask your kids for help because now they're going to hold you accountable.

[141] See, it's difficult to argue with someone who tackles hard issues with humility.

[142] And you being vulnerable allows them no cover at all because you're owning up to your issues.

[143] So you ask them, hey, be creative.

[144] Develop some solutions for me, right?

[145] Help me out with this.

[146] They may say, well, why don't you keep your phone in the glove compartment when we're driving, mom?

[147] Or maybe we use the word popcorn every time you're distracted by a screen.

[148] Right?

[149] Maybe we could have screen -free zone every night from 5 to 7 p .m. My brother does that with his family.

[150] or technology -free Tuesday, right?

[151] Because if your kids come up with solutions for you, they're more likely to be honest about their own obsessions and put that into place.

[152] It's a really cool thing, but you have to follow through.

[153] And here's a big insight.

[154] Your kids do not want to be dependent on screens.

[155] I guarantee you, they will tell you many years later that they are glad that you finally took some proactive measures and you really dug into this because they don't like how it feels.

[156] When six hours later, after watching literally six hours of TikTok videos, their whole day is wasted.

[157] They don't like it, but they don't know how to get to get free from that.

[158] And that's why they're looking to you as the parent.

[159] It's just not that they're going to be like, Mom, Dad, thanks for finally digging in and being tough on this.

[160] Thanks, because now we're actually free from.

[161] They're not going to say that at first.

[162] I can guarantee you many years later, they will tell you because Casey told me just that, that he didn't know how to be free from us.

[163] And he was glad that we worked through this with him because now he's 28.

[164] He's got really good control over his stuff.

[165] He learned that when he was a teenager.

[166] It's really, really cool.

[167] But your kids don't know another way, and that's why we have to lead them.

[168] In another podcast, I think I went through an apology that you may have to give to your kids.

[169] I'm saying, look, guys, I'm sorry I turned over all these electronics to you, and I didn't teach you how to control them.

[170] And by the way, many of you are going to write, many parents write in and they're like, well, I think it's a good opportunity to teach my child how to control his own screen time.

[171] They can't.

[172] They can't.

[173] They can't.

[174] They can't.

[175] They can't.

[176] Okay.

[177] You can try it if you want, but you've got to show them and you've got to do some very specific things to help them with that.

[178] But on their own, it just doesn't work that well.

[179] So number three, teach impulse control and delayed gratification.

[180] This is a shortened example because I want to get to the big thing.

[181] Guys, I'm giving you 27 minutes this afternoon to play on your video games.

[182] Now, the longer version is if I come in the room after 27 minutes and you're still on your video games, if I even hear you say, hold on, we need to save it, we need to get the next level.

[183] You just chose to forfeit your games for the next three days, right?

[184] And I hold to that.

[185] But in this example, it's you've got 27 minutes, but, if you turn off your screens two minutes early, I will give you an additional four minutes tomorrow night.

[186] It's a really concrete way to teach impulse control and delayed gratification.

[187] And it may be three weeks later, but when your kids yell into the room, mom, we turned off our screens two minutes early, now you get to give them positive intensity.

[188] Now that was a good choice.

[189] That's what self -control looks like, and your father can't even do that.

[190] Okay, you don't just gave up two minutes to get an extra four, that's pretty awesome.

[191] Now watch the strong will child who will turn it off eight minutes early so he gets 16 or right and they're going to, so just watch your little attorneys and have that written in a little asterisk of like, no, we're doing two and you get an extra four.

[192] So I have dads.

[193] I have parents like, so we can eliminate these power struggles over video games and Fortnite, Minecraft and social media so screens don't control our family life?

[194] Yes.

[195] But you have to follow through.

[196] And most people don't make the changes necessary to get a different result, right?

[197] And it's not just about bugging your kids and badgering them.

[198] You're going to have to lead them and teach them.

[199] So I want to hit this big one, and I want to give you something to think about over the next week.

[200] You will never get your kids really off screens until you do this one thing, right?

[201] Of course, you have to have clear limits and boundaries.

[202] Say no. Do all those things.

[203] Go on.

[204] Cut off electricity.

[205] But you must understand this key concept if you want your kids to turn their eyes from screens to turning their eyes to connect with the larger world kids bury their heads and screens because it meets several important needs and until you meet those needs in other ways your kids will seek to meet those needs through their phone texting video games social media and their iPad now we had 1 ,500 kids coming home who were borderline addicted to screens and my son Casey was that for a while as well.

[206] Nothing, none of the lectures mattered.

[207] It only changed one day when I asked Casey this question and asked, and I actually listened, I walked in his room instead of badgering him, like, oh, when I was a kid, I was out playing football, you're going to rot your brain.

[208] He didn't care.

[209] So I said, Casey, I'm curious.

[210] Why do you like this video game so much?

[211] What do you get out of it?

[212] The therapy word would be, how does it serve you?

[213] Right?

[214] So I said, why do you like Call of Duty too so much?

[215] What do you get out of it?

[216] And he told me. And so there are five needs here.

[217] One, screens give kids space.

[218] Kids have, nowadays kids have very little ownership over their lives.

[219] When we were kids, we were outside playing all the time.

[220] There are no adults around.

[221] We had an opportunity to own our decisions and choices and our parents didn't even know what we were doing a lot of the time.

[222] We were outside all the time hanging out at the proverbial 7 -Eleven.

[223] This is this generation's version of hanging out by themselves in their own space because they know you hate their screens and their videos and their video games.

[224] And in some ways, it's a respite from all the stress and pressure because I know we like to call people like, oh, this generation, their snowflake generation.

[225] Well, yes in some ways and no in other ways.

[226] You and I, especially if you're older like me, we didn't have all this stress and pressure from school.

[227] We weren't, there are kids who are in fifth grade, like already talking about college, we've got to build your college resume and we've got to think about honors class.

[228] We didn't have all that stuff when we were kids.

[229] We just kind of did our homework and did our stuff.

[230] But there in some ways is a lot more stress and pressure.

[231] And if you want to add social media to that, it's brutal.

[232] So because, see, here's what's happening.

[233] Because they know you don't play video games and because they don't have other outlets because they can't just hang out outside like we did as kids, it's their own space.

[234] Number two, screens feel safe and orderly.

[235] It's order and structure.

[236] When your kids play, they know exactly what to expect.

[237] The rules of the game are always the same.

[238] The consequences are always the same.

[239] There's not a mom video game and a dad video game with different rules in the house, right?

[240] Because in a chaotic, fast -paced world, screens feel safe and orderly for our kids, especially the ones who really need that order and structure because they don't have it inside.

[241] Number three, it's stimulating, challenging, and an outlet for their kids.

[242] creativity.

[243] They get immediate feedback.

[244] They win, they lose, they start over again.

[245] They have to get to the next level.

[246] They have to use their strategic brains.

[247] So rather than arguing with you, okay, they do that anyway, they use that brain power to outsmart their opponents.

[248] Think about that.

[249] It's very, very important.

[250] Number four, it meets social needs.

[251] Now, I know it would be better if they were interacting face -to -face with other kids like we did.

[252] But they don't always.

[253] But they do interact with other kids through video games and through their screens, and we can't discount that.

[254] It does meet a certain social acceptance there with their peers.

[255] Number five, and we miss this one all the time, confidence.

[256] Think competence and confidence.

[257] Yet it's not the way that I want them to build confidence, but confidence comes from one place.

[258] while I want you to affirm your kids for when they do well, and I don't want to do just empty praise, right?

[259] And praise is fine.

[260] But confidence, internal confidence comes from one place, competence, when you're good at something.

[261] And the truth is that most of your kids aren't good at school or behavior.

[262] Oh, but on their screens, on those video games, oh, they can get the high score.

[263] And that's what makes them feel good about themselves, because in many areas of their lives, they're not that awesome.

[264] But then they find this other area and other kids look up to them and they know that they're good.

[265] I've had so many parents tell me, when I listen, when I hear my son playing his video games, I hear leadership.

[266] He takes charge.

[267] He builds the team.

[268] And I hear him confident and in charge.

[269] So think about this.

[270] Your kids are on screens, not to annoy you, but because it meets these five huge needs in their lives.

[271] So doesn't it make sense that they would want to continue to do this?

[272] And then we come along and say, hey, you know that activity that meets these really important needs in your life?

[273] Yeah, stop doing that.

[274] Right.

[275] So until you meet those same internal needs in positive purposeful ways, nothing will change.

[276] right it's it's like if you're really hungry just saying like think of food picture it it doesn't work until you actually eat something then you're not obsessed with the food anymore you have to meet the needs and that's the real answer to how you can transition your kids away from their screens you have to give them an alternative that meets the same needs and the truth is there are alternatives that meet the same needs and even better because sometimes they're getting they're getting real life human contact so this summer I want you to follow your child's curiosity what ignites their imagination not video games what do they care about and talk about who do they connect with maybe it's who did they do this with and what what excited them when they were younger before they got all into video games what moves them what motivates them think mission and mentor.

[277] You have to find missions that challenge them, to fire those brains up that motivate them using their particular gifts and talents and ideally find a mentor, someone who can both encourage them and hold them accountable.

[278] And remember, if you're getting them to do something, it can't be your idea.

[279] If you bring it up, they're going to reject it.

[280] And so follow that.

[281] What are your kids into, right?

[282] Like if they're into Marshall.

[283] arts of some kind.

[284] Go down to that gym or wherever it is and say, look, I've got this kid and he's loves this.

[285] I know you've got some younger kids.

[286] Could my son or daughter come on Tuesday nights when you're teaching the younger kids and help you out?

[287] Maybe my child could demonstrate some of the moves for you, right?

[288] Ask for that.

[289] I have some kids who love being at a gym because they're just around this excitement and they're around what they love.

[290] Maybe it's in gymnastics.

[291] It doesn't matter what it is.

[292] You have to follow your child's curiosity.

[293] If they are really good at a different sport, find someone who can say, hey, I could really use your help teaching these other kids.

[294] I could use your help on our team.

[295] Have them find a mentor and it could be someone in the neighborhood.

[296] It can be like an older, a senior citizen who loves building things, who loves working on his car really dig in this summer because that's what finally got casey off of screens is i just i i stepped back from trying to control him and making him like me and i began to ask him and i was curious and said what is important to you what do you really love what have you wanted to do and i can't tell the whole story but he said i'd want to learn how to fly airplanes and i was like all right well that's kind of a dumb idea because I have a fear of flying and that's expensive but I went with it and I went to the local there's a local little airport and what I found out was they did give flight lessons to him when he was 13 and his first time up he took the controls of an airplane do you think that does not build that builds confidence right that that is stimulating because you could die and the deal I made with Casey was I will pay for half the less if you pay for the other half.

[297] It's 50 bucks a lesson.

[298] I'll pay 25, but you got to pay 25.

[299] And his common sense question was, uh, where am I going to get 25 bucks to do that a couple times a week?

[300] I was like, uh, J -O -B, job.

[301] He's like, I'm 13.

[302] I was like, yeah, so you need to be resourceful.

[303] What could you do at 13?

[304] He ended up becoming an ice hockey referee, and he was fantastic at it.

[305] And that whole process, now I've got him doing two things.

[306] He's reffing hockey games, a accountable to his boss who encouraged him.

[307] He's got to be disciplined and he's got to show up for the games.

[308] And it turns out he was not a very good hockey player.

[309] He was a fantastic ice hockey referee.

[310] Think what a referee does.

[311] Where's that shirt with stripes on it?

[312] Guess what he gets to do?

[313] Be in control.

[314] He has a whistle.

[315] He can call penalties and put other kids in the penalty box where he had pretty much lived his proverbial life in the penalty box.

[316] and he loved the challenge of it.

[317] It was so fast -paced and you have to be a very decisive person to be a good ref. Well, guess what?

[318] The strong will kids, they're very decisive, right?

[319] And so he loved the stimulation of it.

[320] So now, watch, he's reffing all these games, making these money, this money, paying for his flight lessons.

[321] Guess what he stops doing?

[322] He stopped playing video games so much.

[323] Why?

[324] Because he was getting the needs meant in the other, areas and I've done this with probably thousands of kids.

[325] So I encourage you to dig into that, you know, a service project, doing something for a neighbor, starting their own little business, building something, rebuilding something, recycling or tinkering with old equipment, an adult -type job.

[326] Many of your kids love doing adult -type jobs.

[327] And we're like, well, I never thought he'd like shoveling mulch and doing the landscaping.

[328] And then you found out you've got a nine -year -old who's fantastic at it, and now he's starting to help some of the neighbors with it, and he's volunteering at places and doing it.

[329] There are so many opportunities, but you have to be creative with it.

[330] If we can help you out with that, you can set up a phone consultation with me, and I'll do that with you personally, but you can also listen, go through the programs, go through the screens program, the Strong Will Child One, the one on motivating kids, all of those.

[331] If we can help you with that, email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[332] Let's start doing this because this will make a difference this summer.

[333] So go through those steps, let's start working it, and lead your kids.

[334] And don't give up when you get pushback because you're going to get pushback.

[335] So let's know how we can help you.

[336] We love you all.

[337] Bye -bye.