JB Smoove Returns

[0] Hi, my name is J .B. Smooth.

[1] My name is Miles Gross.

[2] And I feel optimistic about being Cornel O 'Brien's friend.

[3] And I feel awkward about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[4] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we aren't going to be friends.

[5] we are going to be friends Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend having to continue to have just a lovely time on this show joined as always by my trusty assistant Sonom of Sessian Hi producer extraordinaire Matt Gourley Hi And I don't know about you guys But I'm finding that as the podcast rolls along And there's I get the sense that a lot of people are listening to it.

[6] I mean, I know that for a fact, but more and more people come up to me and they say things.

[7] And I'm finding that I'm often in a state of confusion because I don't know what they're talking about.

[8] Because I just go into a fugue state when we're doing this show.

[9] I don't have any plan.

[10] I don't have any.

[11] We just talk about whatever.

[12] And so what happens is people will come up to me the other day someone came up to me and said, I was laughing so hard at Invisible Man. And I said, what?

[13] And they were like, come on, invisible man. Oh man, that bit.

[14] And I said, what bit?

[15] What's invisible man?

[16] And I made the person stop on the street and explain it to me. And then it came back to me, which is the time Sona and I were sitting in an outdoor cafe and we were near Cedar Sinai.

[17] And I saw two EMTs sort of walking kind of purposely with an empty, sort of looked like it was an empty gurney stretcher that they were carrying and they were sort of walking with great purpose and intensity, but it was empty.

[18] And I said, oh, Sona, look, the invisible man had a heart attack.

[19] You're still so proud of yourself.

[20] I could tell.

[21] I am.

[22] I think it's a really funny.

[23] And now someone's going to come up to you and go, I love the time you reminisce about the invisible man. Yes, I know.

[24] And I won't know what they're talking about.

[25] But I'm not, look, I know it looks like I'm flexing.

[26] Yes, I'm up on the lingo.

[27] I've got teenage kids.

[28] I was not flexing there.

[29] And yes, was it a very funny joke that I did with Sona?

[30] Was it an insight into such a creative mind that's working all the time, probably yes.

[31] But that's not the reason I bring it up.

[32] I bring it up because I don't, I didn't know what they were talking about and we're doing so many podcasts that I realize that I've had a bunch of times I have people stop me and they say, ha ha, cinnamon captain's hat.

[33] And I'll go, what?

[34] And they'll say, come on, cinnamon captain's hat.

[35] And I'll say, I'm sorry, I don't.

[36] And they're a little annoyed.

[37] They're like, come on.

[38] Matt said, you know, too, too.

[39] And you went, what are you a captain?

[40] And then Sona said, blah, blah, blah.

[41] and then you said cinnamon captain's hat.

[42] And I don't know what's happening.

[43] So I mean, I have the feeling of someone who's had a major cerebral event and I've lost a chunk of my life.

[44] And I'm constantly, people around me are saying, but no, your name is Joe Miller.

[45] Don't you understand?

[46] And I don't know what they're talking about and I don't know where I live.

[47] But it's just because I'm constantly babbling foolishness.

[48] Yeah.

[49] Why don't you just pretend that you know?

[50] just say oh yeah cinnamon captain's hat yeah just like oh yeah you know it if you say like oh yeah you know it then like what are they going to say to that oh i'll say it just like that oh yeah you know it what oh yeah you know it no and also what if there's someone that's having a major cerebral event they're having a major like brain bleed and they are just starting to stagger down the street and they see me and they grab me by the shirt and they go cinnamon captain hat And what I'm supposed to do is grab a nearby empty stretcher, see what I'm doing, and get them to Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

[51] But instead, I just go, oh, yeah, you know it.

[52] And push them aside and get on the empty stretcher myself and go, woo, and go riding down the street on it.

[53] Making noises like Curly on the three students, whoop, whoop, who, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo.

[54] And TMZ has the whole thing.

[55] Guy has stroke.

[56] Ask Conan for help, but can only manage to say cinnamon captain hat.

[57] Conan pushes him aside, grabs an empty stretcher on wheels outside Cedar Sinai, and then, like, curly on the stew, three stooges goes, whoop, who, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, and rockets down the street.

[58] And it's all on foot.

[59] I'm done.

[60] I'm done in this town.

[61] The bigger concern is how you've extrapolated out this scene from happening from beginning to end.

[62] What started at A and came at Z?

[63] That's where I'm concerned.

[64] Yeah.

[65] Well, I'm concerned that you said extrapolated.

[66] I am too.

[67] extrapolate.

[68] That's what concerns me. I knew it.

[69] I knew it.

[70] Every time.

[71] Every time and you re - I'm sorry.

[72] When you clubboards, you retake them.

[73] If you're going to come after me, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[74] If you're going to come after me, make sure that you have your house in order.

[75] Don't, don't draw on the fastest gun in the West with a crappy three -shooter that hasn't been oiled in six years.

[76] When you whip it out of the holster, the handle comes off and bubble gum comes out the barrel.

[77] For the record, the fastest shooter in the West does retakes when he flubbed lines.

[78] Never done a retake.

[79] You know what?

[80] They call me Never Done a Retake Conan.

[81] Actually, it should be Never Done a Retake O 'Brien.

[82] They never put the first name afterwards.

[83] I'm Conan Never Done a Retake O 'Brien.

[84] I don't do retakes.

[85] I wouldn't...

[86] I wouldn't do one if you begged me. And you have no evidence.

[87] No evidence.

[88] I have all the recorded audio.

[89] Of course you do.

[90] I was just...

[91] Why would I taunt the guy who edits the show with...

[92] Who has thousands of hours of me flubbing.

[93] and flabbing.

[94] Oh, I could put you in so many jails.

[95] Yeah.

[96] Oh, you really could.

[97] I mean, I can just, just extrapolating from what you just said, you really have me over a barrel.

[98] Listen, you drew on Johnny Ringo, and they're carrying your corpse to Boot Hill.

[99] This feels like the old days.

[100] Remember that?

[101] What do you mean, the old days?

[102] The point old days were used to really hammer me. Yeah.

[103] Have I been too soft on you later?

[104] No, no, no. Matt, what are you doing, Matt?

[105] I want to catch that old days.

[106] You know what?

[107] Sona, write this down.

[108] Go after Matt Gourley, recapture old magic.

[109] You can't see.

[110] Sona's writing in the sky.

[111] With a look on her face like, what a jazz.

[112] That's you extrapolating.

[113] I wrote it down, boss.

[114] Let's move on.

[115] We'll have to talk about something very important today.

[116] We've been doing this podcast for two and a half years.

[117] We've done many, many, many terrific interviews.

[118] and I don't believe we've repeated anybody.

[119] We always like to have brand new people on.

[120] Just Michelle Obama.

[121] Well, okay, that's right, Michelle Obama.

[122] But that's Michelle Obama.

[123] That does not count as a repeat.

[124] Michelle Obama could be on 50 times, and I would never say, here's Michelle Obama again.

[125] Each time I'd be like, oh, my God, it's Michelle Obama.

[126] You know what I mean?

[127] If she came by every day to my house, you know, just to say hello and check the things, thermostat, uh, I would, uh, I would get that excited.

[128] The thermostat.

[129] Well, I know she's, uh, just, just a rumor I've heard that she's very fussy about, you know, what temperature people keep their message.

[130] Um, little inside dirt on Michelle Obama, uh, wonderful, wonderful, one of the greatest first ladies of all time, but, uh, obsessed with, uh, what people's thermostat is set at and always fidgeting with it, which I think is a terrible violation.

[131] Anyway, um, I, uh, Michelle Obama aside, this is, I think, the only other person whose comeback is a repeat, and this was not even planned.

[132] This is the power of this person, okay?

[133] What we were supposed to do is have this gentleman, and I'll reveal his name now, and it's probably already known to you, because they're announced along with the podcast.

[134] J .B. Smooth.

[135] J .B. Smov was just supposed to be a tiny segment on this show, and he was going to be sort of announcing and talking about his podcast called May I Elaborate Daily Wisdom from J .B. Smooth.

[136] And we're very proud of the fact that it's a podcast on the Team Coco network.

[137] And this is just J .B.'s 10 to 15 minute podcast that comes out every day, and it's an affirmation for your most enlightened self.

[138] And he's got a very funny sidekick, Miles Gross.

[139] And we were just going to have J .B. on today to kind of announce that his podcast is dropping today.

[140] And then what happened is J .B., being J .B., took over, and there was no stopping him.

[141] And the next thing we knew, we had the whole show.

[142] And so we didn't have time for our planned guest, President Barack Obama.

[143] And man, is he pissed.

[144] He was all set to go, and he was waiting.

[145] We made him wait like 40 minutes on a Zoom, you know, to do it.

[146] And several times he could see him looking exasperated.

[147] They're like, Conan will get to you soon.

[148] And then I didn't have the guts to do it.

[149] So I told Sona, you've got to tell former president, Barack Obama, that we had to bump him for J .B. Smooth.

[150] And Sona, you handled it like a chain.

[151] I hated it.

[152] It was awful, telling him.

[153] Yeah.

[154] It was weird seeing Michelle Obama in the background messing with the thermostat.

[155] Yes.

[156] Did you notice that?

[157] She's behind him in the background tweaking the thermostat over and over again.

[158] It's the only negative thing I've ever said about former first lady, Michelle Obama, but obsessed, obsessed with adjusting thermostats constantly.

[159] It's obsessive -compulsive disorder.

[160] She needs to look into that.

[161] Anyway, J .B. Smove here to talk about his podcast may elaborate daily wisdom.

[162] I'm very excited.

[163] So let's get right to that interview with J .B. All right, I am very excited, and that never happens.

[164] I never get this excited.

[165] But I really am truly delighted and excited because I'm announcing a brand, new podcast here on the Team Coco network called May I elaborate daily wisdom from J .B. Smove.

[166] Now, I don't know much.

[167] I will tell you this, J .B. Smooth for my money, one of the funniest people on this spinning blue globe we call Earth.

[168] He is delightfully eccentric and hilarious.

[169] I never know what he's going to say.

[170] And so the concept of him having a daily show, offering inspiration affirmations and hallucinations, I'm going to say that again.

[171] The idea of him having a daily show offering inspiration, affirmations, and hallucinations.

[172] I just, what more could you ask for?

[173] But I want to understand this completely.

[174] So I'm asking J .B. Smooth and his good friend Miles, if they could maybe tell me a little bit more about this podcast.

[175] May I elaborate.

[176] Gentlemen, J .B. Miles, how are you?

[177] What's going on, Conan?

[178] Hi.

[179] Right now I'm trying to absorb your fucking energy.

[180] I got I got to find out if you, Conan, I'm going to let me in.

[181] You know what I mean?

[182] Like, I'm going to knock several times doing this interview.

[183] I'm going to knock.

[184] And all you got to do is answer the door.

[185] Answer the fucking door.

[186] You know what I mean?

[187] Okay.

[188] And I'm going to tell you right now, Conan, don't let it be one of those half doors.

[189] You ever see those old TV shows?

[190] They got the fucking half door.

[191] The top part opens and the bottom part be still there.

[192] Yes.

[193] That's a Dutch door.

[194] Yeah.

[195] I can't stand that fucking door.

[196] Okay.

[197] And also, I'm guessing you don't want me to open the door a crack and have there be a chain on it.

[198] And I'm peeking at you through that, right?

[199] You don't want that.

[200] That shit annoys the shit out of me. I'll tell you one thing about that, that Dutch door.

[201] One time someone opened the top part, and I didn't know the bottom part was still closed, and I flipped over that motherfucker.

[202] Okay, now listen, first of all, J .P., you are swearing a lot more than most self -help gurus.

[203] I'm going to tell you that right now.

[204] I have worked with the greatest gurus of all time, the greatest mystics and minds.

[205] And they're not throwing around.

[206] You talk to Eckhart Tolle.

[207] He's not throwing around a motherfucker.

[208] And this is going to be a great fucking affirmation.

[209] And I'm going to fucking help you.

[210] There's none of that.

[211] In order to reach certain people, you have to be profound.

[212] And pro is also a part of profanity.

[213] So the two pros, profound, profound and profanity, see that?

[214] You have to combine the two.

[215] Yes, yes.

[216] In my negative words, I call it a profoundity.

[217] A profoundity.

[218] I see you're using, this isn't profanity.

[219] This is profanity.

[220] Profoundity, see?

[221] It's the ability to do it.

[222] Everybody can't do it.

[223] Everybody can't do it.

[224] Throughout our conversation, you are going to knock a few times.

[225] And you know what?

[226] I am going to let you in, J .B., because I've known you a long time.

[227] As I said, you are hilarious, but you're also very wise.

[228] You're a very wise man. No, I am.

[229] I'm that, I'm that owl, the one that licks that charms blow pop.

[230] I'm that dude.

[231] Remember the owl?

[232] Wait.

[233] How many, how many, how many, how many, that's a, okay, that's a very old reference.

[234] Matt, do you know this reference?

[235] Yeah, the licks to the center of the Tootsie Pop.

[236] How many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

[237] And there was a cartoon owl that was licking.

[238] I'm not going to let you segregate the elderly part of this audience that we have who love those charms, blow pops.

[239] Okay.

[240] You're saying young people understand this too.

[241] Of course they do.

[242] Everybody loves candy.

[243] Everybody loves blow pops.

[244] They love them.

[245] Okay.

[246] Sona, is this true?

[247] Do you know the commercial that J .B. is talking about?

[248] You're a younger person?

[249] I do.

[250] I do, actually.

[251] Okay.

[252] Then I was...

[253] You know what?

[254] I was wrong.

[255] I was wrong to segregate.

[256] That's a terrible thing I did.

[257] Yeah.

[258] We're going on the right path.

[259] And that's just what you are doing right now.

[260] You're rushing through this.

[261] See, the same way that owl, he said a one, a two.

[262] a three and he bit it crunch and he bit it right now Conan you ain't nothing but a a damn owl on that fucking branch that's what you are right now you're not patient you're rushing you just bit that blowpop instead of really actually count how many licks it really takes to get to the center of a strong blowpop but you don't have to patience J .B you're right you are not the first person to look at me and say, you're just the owl from the animated blowpop commercial.

[263] You're not the first person to call me that.

[264] I hear that all the time because I rush, even now, look at me. Look at my energy is all wrong.

[265] I've got to calm down.

[266] Slow down.

[267] And this is what I'm talking about.

[268] Let me in.

[269] When I knock or ring your bell or climb through your window, you understand?

[270] You let me in.

[271] You understand?

[272] Don't come in through the window.

[273] Sometimes, hey, I'm saying.

[274] Some people got to come through the window because some people don't listen.

[275] They don't hear the bell.

[276] If you don't hear the bell and you'll hear me knocking, I got to do what I got to do.

[277] I got to reach you.

[278] The only way to reach you sometimes is I got to come down a chimney or I got to climb through the window or your firescape.

[279] If you live in New York City in a walk up.

[280] I don't know where you live at.

[281] And basically, I just wait outside in the car and I see if someone has called the police.

[282] I see so Miles, you're you're parted with J .B. on this project.

[283] And I understand you're very very very.

[284] very creative man yourself.

[285] And your job is to, as he enters, as he enters the psychic window or chimney, you wait in the, I'm guessing, late 70s Camaro outside on the street?

[286] Yeah, yeah.

[287] Breathing in the fumes, the leaky catalytic converter, just waiting for him to come.

[288] Okay.

[289] Okay.

[290] So, I was doing what I do in the show.

[291] I, I'm quiet.

[292] And then at a certain point, I look at my watch and I go, that's all we have time for.

[293] It's basically my job.

[294] Yes.

[295] But you know what?

[296] You make over $600 ,000 a year.

[297] Just saying that.

[298] Well, I went to school for it.

[299] Yeah, exactly.

[300] You went to, we'll take a break.

[301] We'll be right back.

[302] School.

[303] Yes.

[304] Very few people get to graduate from that school.

[305] It's a very hard school to go to.

[306] So, gentlemen, I admire what you're doing because you, Miles, for putting up with J .B. And, J .B., you for offering this unique power that you have to mesmerize people, slow them down.

[307] You're doing it to me right now.

[308] I'm speaking more slowly.

[309] Oh, yeah, you better slow down.

[310] Yeah, see, see, you're more calm.

[311] I'm ready to accept what I'm going to give you.

[312] Let me, look, matter of fact, this, don't even worry about the door.

[313] Leave the window wide open.

[314] Let's leave it open.

[315] Leave the window open, okay?

[316] Leave it open out.

[317] I know, I know, I know it's chilly.

[318] I know it's chilly.

[319] See, see, now you're thinking about the cold and not thinking about accepting what I'm giving you.

[320] Okay, okay.

[321] So don't worry about metaphorically, leave the window open.

[322] Hey, look, just leave the window open, okay?

[323] And if you were really doing me a favor, just like those old TV shows, you would have a nice pie sitting on that window sill to cool off.

[324] Do you understand?

[325] He want a cooling pie on the window.

[326] That's what they do.

[327] That's what they do back in the days.

[328] They big a pie, a plum pie, peach pie, and they put it on the windowsill.

[329] You don't have to specify which kind of pie.

[330] No, because I see, I'm saying it because I've got to activate your senses, every sense you have.

[331] One, your sight, your sense of smell.

[332] Okay, this is good.

[333] In cartoons, you know, when they put a pie on that windowsill, that smell of the pie floats through the room.

[334] Yes.

[335] Have you seen that in cartoons?

[336] It travels through the rooms and it goes under your nostrils and you levitate when you float your ass to the pie.

[337] You know, I'll sing it, I'm a father do that one time.

[338] Okay, that's what I'm doing right now.

[339] Floated to the pie.

[340] Here's what you've done.

[341] I've left the window of my psyche open.

[342] There you go.

[343] J .B. Smooth.

[344] And as he requested, I left the window open, regardless of the temperature outside.

[345] And I left a cooling peach pie.

[346] It's peach and it's got a little rhubarb in there too.

[347] Oh, I love rhubarb.

[348] Not a lot.

[349] That's a little bit.

[350] Not too much.

[351] It's, I want to say 80 % peach.

[352] The details, see, that's what it's the, the details get me. Keep, come on, keep on.

[353] A little bit of cinnamon in there, too.

[354] A little bit of cinnamon there with the sugar.

[355] And it's cooling.

[356] It's hot.

[357] It's just out of the oven.

[358] It's hot.

[359] And what's happening is, is, you are floating.

[360] No, no, no. No, no. You're floating.

[361] Are you the pie?

[362] You got a, no, you got a levitate.

[363] Who's the pie?

[364] Who's the pie?

[365] Am I the pie?

[366] I haven't seen the pie yet.

[367] I haven't seen it yet.

[368] Oh, oh, I see, I see.

[369] I see.

[370] The pie is just there getting me miles.

[371] You've got to help me out.

[372] This man is so wise that I don't always understand.

[373] The pie is the knowledge that's going to be dropped.

[374] He don't get it, Miles.

[375] He don't get it.

[376] I want to get it.

[377] I want to get it.

[378] I'm tired of being so uptight and so trapped in my own mind and my own.

[379] I don't know.

[380] It's okay.

[381] It's okay.

[382] It's okay.

[383] It's okay.

[384] So, okay.

[385] I put out the pie.

[386] The pie is the knowledge.

[387] I'm ready to accept the knowledge.

[388] The scent of the pie has gone underneath my nostril.

[389] And now I'm floating like a cartoon animal floats.

[390] along a scent towards the pie, and I'm undulating through the air.

[391] I smell that delicious peach, that cinnamon, or rhubarb.

[392] Now your senses are wide open right now.

[393] Yes.

[394] They're wide open right now.

[395] Now you're willing to accept what Miles and I, what we truly do to channel and to break through all your barriers.

[396] You have barriers up right now.

[397] And sometimes Miles and I to start chipping away at that bullshit.

[398] See?

[399] if I may be blunt.

[400] It's also my job to tell people legally do not leave your windows open.

[401] Like I just follow behind and clarify what's metaphoric.

[402] Yes, that it's a metaphoric window.

[403] We do not, Miles is here to tell you, and this is very smart, Miles, and very smart of you, J .B., to have Miles here.

[404] J .B. cannot be concerned with small concerns like public safety and, you know, crime and theft.

[405] He can't worry about that.

[406] He's living on a higher astral plane, Miles is here to say, it's a psychic window, and the pie is knowledge, please don't leave your real window open with a real cooling pie, because that's how most murders.

[407] Don't put your pies outside anyway.

[408] It's just going to attract wildlife.

[409] It's just not a good decision at all.

[410] Okay, so here's what we do, you know, what we do as Miles and I, what we do on this amazing podcast show we have, may I elaborate?

[411] We, sometimes we don't use a book full of things, full of a calendar.

[412] We use a calendar most of the time.

[413] I would say 99 .5 % of the time we use, we pull knowledge from amazing books, calendars.

[414] And in these calendars, it's a, you know, a full year of affirmations.

[415] You know what I'm saying?

[416] But sometimes that 1 .5 % we conjure it up.

[417] You feel me?

[418] You conjure it up.

[419] So what the podcast is, is every day, just like those calendars.

[420] Every day, daily.

[421] Yeah, daily that you see at the checkout line, those calendars that every day of the year, they have a different aphorism, a different saying, a different piece of wisdom.

[422] Yes.

[423] You take one of those and you use that as the jumping off point, and then you give it the J .B. Smooth treatment.

[424] Is that right?

[425] Sometimes these philosophers, they try to trick you.

[426] They play mind games with you sometimes.

[427] They play on words.

[428] And people out there in the world, sometimes they don't understand what the hell this quote actually means.

[429] The true definition of it.

[430] And it takes miles and myself to dive in and swim around.

[431] And we swim around.

[432] Right?

[433] And we get wet.

[434] We get all wet, you know.

[435] And then we climb out.

[436] and we towel ourselves off and that is how people we must submerge them in the true definition of it.

[437] You understand?

[438] We all get wet.

[439] The people who listen to the show get wet, Miles and I get soaking wet, you know what I'm saying?

[440] I stay in the boat.

[441] Yeah, sometimes Miles stays in the boat.

[442] He'll dangle a foot in there, I guess, a little bit.

[443] Sometimes he'll roll his pants legs up like Huck Finn.

[444] He'll roll his pants legs up to his knee and let his feet just to hang on the water a little bit.

[445] But I go in, I go in that water.

[446] You know, I go in that water.

[447] And, you know, this would help a person like me because I'm going to guess Matt and Sona that you would probably say I'm very well defended.

[448] I'm very, I've got a lot of walls up.

[449] Yeah, barriers.

[450] Barriers.

[451] I probably lash out rather than receive.

[452] Oh, yes.

[453] Definitely.

[454] Help us.

[455] Help us.

[456] Oh, man. Wound up very tightly.

[457] Tightly.

[458] Tightly.

[459] Tightly wound up.

[460] A very uptight.

[461] See?

[462] And that's perfect, Miles.

[463] That's a perfect path.

[464] J .B. picked a, he picked a quote, especially for you that he thought could help you and I think you walked right into it sadly walked right into blind sadly well if it's going to change my life for the better then it's a good thing Miles it's not necessarily me you know getting off of a 1950s airplane and taking a left instead of a right and walking into a propeller and my bloody fedora and baggage goes flying in the air it's not that I was wearing a gray fedora because it was the 50s and I was getting off a business flight.

[465] I want to hear, I want to hear this aphorism that could help me, and then I want, J .B., I want you to work your magic with the help of Miles.

[466] Oh, yeah, let's do this, Miles.

[467] Let's give it to him, Miles.

[468] Okay.

[469] Do you want me to read it again?

[470] Yeah, you, you read it, Miles.

[471] You read it.

[472] Give it to me. Give it to me, Miles.

[473] Okay.

[474] Well, today's quote comes to a calendar that's all about self -love.

[475] The quotes are attributed to Tanya Carol Richardson, wherever she is.

[476] January 6th he chose January 6th for you I don't know if that's an important date for you but it is it is not in the least an important date for me that's what J .B. thought my packaging is amazingly unique I don't look exactly like anyone else and I'm learning to love that my packaging is amazingly unique I don't look exactly like anyone else and I'm learning to love that so J .B. Why did you pick that?

[477] Oh I picked that one because of this.

[478] You know, I feel like even, you know, I have clarity now.

[479] Having Conan come on the show, I have true clarity, his temperament.

[480] See, people don't understand about temperament.

[481] People out there, temperament is what you are giving off.

[482] You have a level of temperament that you are able to accept and give off.

[483] And this man, this man, Conan O 'Brien, was giving off and fighting what was.

[484] we were giving him fighting it, you understand?

[485] He was.

[486] He was fighting it.

[487] His temperament was wrong.

[488] Wrong -ass temperament.

[489] You can't be walking around all day with temperament like that.

[490] Your levels, your temperament levels are way off, way off.

[491] You understand?

[492] It's way off.

[493] You know?

[494] So, so his, his highway, we're going to reel this in.

[495] I'm going to break down you.

[496] I'm going to break down who you are.

[497] I'm going to break down this amazing quote.

[498] This affirmation.

[499] My packaging.

[500] I'm going to repeat.

[501] after me, Conan, as I go through this damn quote.

[502] Okay, you're getting very hostile.

[503] Sometimes I got to see, see, Miles will tell you, sometimes I'm very soft -spoken.

[504] If it lends itself to giving, sometimes it lends itself to giving and taking at the same damn time.

[505] And today, I'm going to give and I'm going to take from you.

[506] I'm a take, okay, okay.

[507] My packaging is amazing.

[508] You say that.

[509] My packaging is amazing.

[510] and unique.

[511] And unique.

[512] And unique and unique.

[513] I don't look exactly like anyone else.

[514] I sort of look like Jane Lynch.

[515] You know what?

[516] You do like Jane Lynch.

[517] And with that and with that flip.

[518] And I get that a lot.

[519] A lot of people say they love me. And you're also carrying some of that the talented Mr. Ripley vibe today.

[520] Yeah, I got the Ripley.

[521] I love that movie.

[522] I love that fucking movie.

[523] I'm like if Matt Damon and Jane Lynch had a teenage daughter.

[524] I love that movie.

[525] Who then was aged badly.

[526] That would be me. It's okay.

[527] It's okay, though.

[528] It's okay.

[529] We're still going down the right path, okay?

[530] Yeah, I don't look like anyone else.

[531] We'll get those people.

[532] And, but you got to say it right.

[533] Don't say it flat.

[534] You see it right.

[535] You don't look like anyone else.

[536] And this last part is very important.

[537] And I'm learning to love that.

[538] See that?

[539] If I don't see your, fucking teeth.

[540] You're not saying it right.

[541] Not the way Deepak Chopra talks to me, by the way.

[542] And I'm loving to, I'm learning to love that.

[543] And I'm learning to love it.

[544] That's it.

[545] See, that's it.

[546] That's fucking it, man. I'm learning to love it.

[547] That just shows.

[548] See, what we're trying to get across with this quote is, your packaging is unique.

[549] And you, let me tell you something, you damn show don't look like nobody else.

[550] You look like, that is true.

[551] That is true.

[552] You know what I mean?

[553] No one ever says, hey, you look sort of like that.

[554] No, everyone, when they see me, good, however they feel about it, they know it's me. They know it's you.

[555] There is no other.

[556] Let me tell you something.

[557] Let me tell you something.

[558] It's called packaging.

[559] Your packaging goes so, such a long way.

[560] See, I'm going to run through your process.

[561] You drag your sorry ass up in here, right, into your show, right?

[562] Then hair and makeup, they fix your fucking packaging.

[563] You understand?

[564] They do a lot of work.

[565] I get a lot of work done.

[566] Your packaging is not in the best of shape.

[567] But you need those people.

[568] You need those people.

[569] Those people were hired to do a job.

[570] This is just insulting.

[571] Now you're just saying, you know, okay, okay, yes, I do need hair and makeup.

[572] That's true.

[573] As unique as your packaging is, you need those people.

[574] You wouldn't do this shit without them.

[575] Would you do it without them?

[576] No. I would, no. Fuck now, you wouldn't do it without them.

[577] As unique as your packaging is, you wouldn't do it.

[578] these people must stage you.

[579] They stage you.

[580] They stage your ass.

[581] Have you ever been to a home and that home is for sale?

[582] And what do they do?

[583] They stage that shit.

[584] And you know what else they do sometimes?

[585] Sometimes if they really want you to buy it, what do they do?

[586] They cook a pie.

[587] Just before you come.

[588] So you smell a fresh cooked pie when you come in or bread.

[589] That is exactly what they do.

[590] If you do not, if you do not, if you do not stage at home, the people who are trying to buy that at home, We'll never know if this home is livable.

[591] You know, they don't know.

[592] You know what throws people off sometimes?

[593] I do this sometimes.

[594] I go to home, you know, I go to open houses.

[595] I know what I do?

[596] I bring some sage and walk around that motherfucker with the smoky sage.

[597] You do that?

[598] You go to, wait, you can't go to open houses.

[599] I can do the fuck I want to do.

[600] Hey, if I want to buy that house, I can do the fuck I want to do.

[601] I walk around that smoky -ass stage and I walk around the whole house all in the house.

[602] Oh, my God.

[603] And give it all the evil spirits in that motherfucker.

[604] See?

[605] It throws people off.

[606] They get thrown off.

[607] They get thrown off.

[608] But you know what, though?

[609] I'm creating, I'm creating calm.

[610] I'm creating calm.

[611] Okay.

[612] I, okay, the only thing I'm going to say, the only thing I'm going to say, J .B., and I love this.

[613] J .B. and Miles, I think what you're doing is such a terrific service for people.

[614] You are giving back in a way that I never could, and even if I could, I just wouldn't.

[615] I just, you know, I'm like the Grinch.

[616] You know, I'm like to sit up, yeah, I like to, you know, I'm up on top of my mountain looking down at Hooville and just laughing at other people, but then I realize I'm really, except I don't even have a dog like the Grinch that I don't have not, but I have to give it up for you because what you've done is you've given me this, I think the real sentiment was, I have unique packaging and I should just love myself for who I am.

[617] And then J .B., you beautifully managed to twist that into, I need a lot of fucking makeup and hair to look presentable to fix my sorry ass.

[618] That's what you did.

[619] Well, here's, see, there's a, there's a, there's a true, no, no, there's a path to getting you clarity of what you are giving to the world and what the world is giving to you.

[620] You just blessed those amazing people who have a job to do, a job to make you look great.

[621] They got a job to make you look fabulous, you understand?

[622] Yes, okay.

[623] Listen, look, look, there is only one you, man. When you go into a parking lot and it's full of cars, oh.

[624] All those cars are yours.

[625] There's only one car that is yours.

[626] And your car is unique.

[627] Your car is your car is your car.

[628] The car has an old McDonald's cups in the back seat and shit with stores.

[629] Empty -ass shit like that.

[630] A few french fries between the fucking seat and, you know, in the middle and shit.

[631] Everybody got French fries between there.

[632] You know, you got a key scratch on that motherfucker.

[633] You know what I'm saying?

[634] Fuck you, Conan on the side of it.

[635] You know?

[636] Wait a minute.

[637] So someone watched me come out of my car, waited until I was gone and then scratched in, fuck you, Conan.

[638] the side of my car?

[639] Conan, not only is it on your car, sometimes that shit is on you, but it's invisible.

[640] You don't see it, but the shit is there.

[641] Fuck you, Conan, is on your back.

[642] I'm telling you, and you feel like that sometimes.

[643] Someone took an imaginary fucking key and scratched, fuck you Conan, on your back.

[644] And you know sometimes you feel it on your back.

[645] There's a mark on your back sometimes.

[646] Everyone out there feels that shit.

[647] Sometimes you feel that fuck you on your back.

[648] Or sometimes it says, watch me, or whatever, sometimes But, but, you know, you are, you are, you are a mode of travel.

[649] That's what I'm trying to say.

[650] All I'm saying is this, you are mode of travel.

[651] And the same, you know, you are unique in your own way.

[652] It's like getting your bag on baggage claim, right?

[653] When you're at the airport, only one of those bags is yours.

[654] Well, no, I travel with more, a lot of luggage.

[655] I'm saying, you know your bag.

[656] You know your luggage.

[657] Three or four.

[658] Shit.

[659] Usually a big steamer trunk of wigs.

[660] Mm -hmm.

[661] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[662] See, in your bag, in your bag, in your luggage.

[663] Luggage.

[664] Luggage is a key word, too.

[665] Your luggage.

[666] Your luggage.

[667] Yes.

[668] See, you carry luggage.

[669] I'm carrying luggage.

[670] That's why I try to reach people.

[671] That's why I reach people baggage.

[672] Your baggage is your luggage.

[673] You are carrying the fuck around everywhere.

[674] See?

[675] So I'm a guy carrying around a lot of emotional baggage who's got fuck you Conan carved into his back.

[676] I don't look.

[677] It's not visible.

[678] It's not visible.

[679] But the shit is there.

[680] Yeah, it's still there.

[681] Someone still scratched it into my back.

[682] And I'm quite aware of it, and it hurts.

[683] And actually a dermatologist can see it with a blue light.

[684] And it's finding it very disturbing.

[685] Conan, I don't say this is you are very unique.

[686] You are like a part, sloth, part giraffe.

[687] You know, you have the arms, the gangly arms of a fucking sloth and the long layers of a...

[688] of a giraffe.

[689] You understand?

[690] I have to say, I feel terrific.

[691] You know what you're like, you're like Jeffrey, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the toy's, I'm, yeah, the owl.

[692] I'm a giraffe, I'm a sloth, but, but, and that's all we have time for.

[693] Yeah.

[694] Hey.

[695] Hey, we can go deeper than this.

[696] This, this, I'm saying something, this water is way deeper than you think it is.

[697] I, this, this, this, what we're talking right now, this water is to our ankles, this way.

[698] now.

[699] But if we go any further, there's an undertow.

[700] That's a fucking undertow to this whole conversation.

[701] And I just scratch the surface.

[702] You just scratch the surface.

[703] I'm going to have to have many more segments in session.

[704] You need more this.

[705] You need people need more of this.

[706] People need, people need to be, this shit to be broken down to them and kept 100 and keep it 100.

[707] 100.

[708] I say 100.

[709] 100.

[710] That's what they say.

[711] People say 100.

[712] 100.

[713] I'm going to keep that shit.

[714] I'm going to keep that shit.

[715] Okay.

[716] Not 100.

[717] See, there's too many syllables.

[718] in 100.

[719] You're right.

[720] You're right.

[721] You got to just get 100.

[722] 100.

[723] I keep 100 with you.

[724] See, see, a lot of times if I go, see, right now I'm taking the direct route to you, Conan.

[725] But you know what?

[726] There's another turn.

[727] There's a hard left and there's a hard right, you know?

[728] And you know what?

[729] And that hard right is Sona.

[730] Sona, I'm going to take the hard right on you.

[731] The energy, this man gives off.

[732] I know some days this man comes in here and you're like, hmm.

[733] your energy ain't right.

[734] And don't be afraid to say, your energy ain't right right now.

[735] I'm going to come back in 15 minutes.

[736] You fix your shit and you walk out of that room.

[737] You fix your shit.

[738] You know what I'm saying?

[739] You want Sona to just, if she finds me doing anything that bothers her in any way to say, fix your shit, I'm out of here.

[740] I'll be back in 15 minutes.

[741] Yes.

[742] I don't want you to throw her energy off because you know what?

[743] She has her own life.

[744] She goes home every day.

[745] She got her own shit to worry about.

[746] You know what I mean?

[747] Sometimes someone goes home and her fucking lights are off.

[748] You know what I'm saying?

[749] And that in turn is because her salary is not what she is.

[750] Yeah.

[751] Give me a race.

[752] She wants more.

[753] She wants fucking more more.

[754] Give me more money.

[755] How frustrating that is.

[756] Fucking lights is off again.

[757] Again.

[758] I'll look into it.

[759] I'll look into it.

[760] I'll look into it.

[761] I don't have a lot of power at Conan doesn't have a lot of power at Conoco.

[762] So I have to find out who's in charge.

[763] Give me a briefcase full of money.

[764] All right.

[765] Just don't even raise.

[766] See that?

[767] See that?

[768] See that?

[769] That's the energy I want you to have right there, Sona.

[770] That's the energy.

[771] You should give this man, this man, Conan, as amazing as he is, sometimes you, see, you are broken up into several pieces, Conan.

[772] When you walk into a space with these amazing people, Matt, Matt, Matt, I know Matt, Matt.

[773] I know sometimes you had a toolbox where you could just fucking just like put some vice grips on Conan's mouth and say, you know, you wouldn't say it out loud, but your innocent.

[774] It's like, I wish I could put these vice grips on his lips.

[775] You know what I'm saying?

[776] Matt tells me, Matt, you are very vocal about your occasional disdain for me. Yeah, I'd like to hook up some jumper cables to a battery and then to Conan.

[777] See, see that?

[778] See that?

[779] See that?

[780] Jumper cables.

[781] See that?

[782] See that?

[783] And there's a positive and a negative, right?

[784] Am I right or wrong?

[785] See how I reel that shit in?

[786] Miles.

[787] Do I do this all the time?

[788] Do I reel this shit in?

[789] It's a negative and a positive.

[790] Yeah, positive me, negative Conan.

[791] See that?

[792] See that?

[793] This is...

[794] You know, I've listened very carefully to your dynamic with Miles.

[795] I've noticed Miles supports you, J .B. Yes, this is that.

[796] It supports you.

[797] I could not divide Miles from you in a million years because you guys are so thick and so tight and he's so loyal.

[798] All it took was you in one second to get Sona and Matt to turn against me, which I find to be terribly disloyal.

[799] No, I'm not getting him a turn against you.

[800] I'm getting him a turn totally.

[801] you.

[802] Oh, I thought it was again.

[803] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'm I'll tell you why.

[804] If corner does not know what the fuck he's doing, he's going to keep, it's going, it's going home to that dark -ass house and stupid, lighting stupid -ass candles and shit, fucking milk spalled in the fucking fridge.

[805] You want to, you want to, you want to continue to drink spoiled -ass milk?

[806] Sona, I wasn't aware they were turning off your power.

[807] It's not till, I wasn't aware, I'm sorry.

[808] Yeah, yeah.

[809] Well, now you know, and now give me money.

[810] Okay, I'm sorry I didn't give you enough money to keep the power on in your house.

[811] I'm sorry you're not to spoil.

[812] I just redirected the energies that, see, I'm going to towel, I'm a towel and all that shit together.

[813] I just redirected the fucking energies from the battery that Matt wants to link to the negative and positive.

[814] See, I take that negative and positive.

[815] And what happens when you put them together?

[816] It's fucking spark.

[817] I just did a spark.

[818] I just tapped the positive and the negative.

[819] naked together and created a spark.

[820] Now that spark, in turn, it's going to cause Conan to approach you two guys a lot better.

[821] That's all it is.

[822] That's all I did.

[823] You know, I want to cause no trouble.

[824] I want to cause them trouble.

[825] Thanks, J .B. Yeah, thank you.

[826] Shoot.

[827] Yeah.

[828] And I'll add, don't connect jumper cables to human beings.

[829] Yes.

[830] Thank you.

[831] And again, with the legal disclaimer, Miles, we don't want people out there.

[832] Keep your windows closed and do not touch jumper cables that are charged to each the negative and positive person.

[833] Not a good, or to a person.

[834] It's just not a good idea.

[835] So, um, and I, I think there's a chance that I will change, J .B., my actions towards these two people, uh, until the next time I talk to them.

[836] Hey, I'm just here to help.

[837] Hey, I'm just here to help, man. I can only plant the seeds.

[838] It's up to you guys to continue to water that motherfucker.

[839] You understand?

[840] You got to continue to water it.

[841] Otherwise, it won't grow.

[842] It won't grow.

[843] That's awesome.

[844] That's all I was all saying.

[845] That's kind of an evil laugh at the end.

[846] You've changed my life already.

[847] This is, I'm really looking forward to this.

[848] And I will be a regular and avid listener because you can see how much this has just changed me in the short time we've been talking.

[849] I sense you are, you are a whole different person.

[850] You know, you are, I feel that you have changed.

[851] So in closing, in closing, I'll say this.

[852] Basically what I'm telling you and everyone out there is.

[853] Don't worry about what you got inside.

[854] You understand?

[855] A parent spends money on toys for his kids.

[856] And guess what happens?

[857] That little motherfucker plays with the box.

[858] The shit came in.

[859] And you, Conan, you are a long -ass, lengthy, wonderful box.

[860] Let's take that shit and put that shit out of the sky.

[861] Grab it.

[862] Grab what I just said.

[863] And put that shit in your pocket.

[864] Keep your hand.

[865] Keep your fistballs up in your pocket all to the river.

[866] rest of the day.

[867] Don't take your hand out your pocket.

[868] Hold that shit tight.

[869] I have it.

[870] I have it.

[871] You got it.

[872] Put that shit in your pocket.

[873] Man, you're really on my ass.

[874] Put that shit in your pocket.

[875] See?

[876] It's in my pocket.

[877] If someone says, why is your fistball up in your pocket?

[878] You tell him to shut the fuck up.

[879] You're telling me that.

[880] What?

[881] No, that doesn't sound like the right eye.

[882] That's not a good way to go.

[883] Of course.

[884] Really?

[885] That's the same person who wrote fuck you cone on your back.

[886] See?

[887] Good Lord.

[888] You're right.

[889] Okay.

[890] All right.

[891] The first person who says, what the fuck is your hand going to your pocket?

[892] your fist in your pocket and you say shut the fuck up right just know that's the person who scratched fuck you coner on your back i'm not trying to cause no trouble over there okay i'm gonna there's gonna be i'm gonna be arrested tomorrow because i'm gonna get into a fight with someone in a parking lot who just says hey conan i'm a big fan i'm just curious why your fist is clenched in your pocket and i'm gonna say fuck off you fuck kept your window closed i should have kept my window closed yes miles hey man i love it i'm telling you there's i gotta get the word out here.

[893] May I elaborate daily wisdom from J .B. Smooth.

[894] Inspiration, affirmations and hallucinations.

[895] Profound and profanity.

[896] From one of comedy's most enigmatic and strange minds, bite -sized 10 to 15 -minute daily episodes.

[897] I call it morsels.

[898] Little morsels of knowledge.

[899] Morsels, morsels.

[900] That's right.

[901] I love little morsels of knowledge.

[902] You don't get too stuffed, just the right amount, you know, so you can become your enlightened self.

[903] That's it.

[904] And Miles, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I think you're a terrific part of this equation because you are offering at the appropriate intervals legal disclaimers to the foolishness that J .B. occasionally finds himself saying, disguised his wisdom.

[905] Somebody's got to do it.

[906] Yeah, no, it's a legal department, literally said.

[907] Oh, probably, maybe they should do it then.

[908] Yeah, no, no, they hired you because you're actually in the union.

[909] Gentlemen, I am, I really can't, I can't thank you enough for doing this for the world.

[910] You're doing this for the world.

[911] Yeah, man. And I thank you very much.

[912] Hey, the world needs this.

[913] They need this.

[914] And I'm giving it to them.

[915] Okay.

[916] Yeah.

[917] How about I'm going to motherfucking give it to them, huh?

[918] Hey, sometimes you have to.

[919] And sometimes it's the only way to understand it.

[920] You know, a lot of people who shake things out of you, I shake shit into you.

[921] Do you feel me?

[922] What?

[923] I shake it into you.

[924] People shake it stuff out of you.

[925] You shake it and it falls in?

[926] I shake it into you.

[927] Where does it go in?

[928] People shake it out of you.

[929] I shake it into you.

[930] People need it.

[931] But they don't know they want it.

[932] They don't know they want it yet.

[933] I shake it into you.

[934] People shake it out of people all the time.

[935] You should ask them first.

[936] No, I'm just telling you, people like that.

[937] They want to shake it into them.

[938] Shake it into them real good.

[939] Okay.

[940] Miles, you got to just jump in here every now and then and say, you know, of course, if you want it, shook into you.

[941] of course I'm new but thank you hey I shake it into your ass you're gonna take this well I don't want it to go into my ass no I mean whatever I'm just telling you sometimes that's how it works that's how it works do you think these you know how many quotes they are in the world all those Zimmasters you think they just giving you stuff you know no they want it to resonate and you know they want it to penetrate you they don't want you just Lolly this Here you go, take this.

[942] Hope you feel better today.

[943] They don't want to coddle you.

[944] I don't coddle people.

[945] I shake it into your ass.

[946] Okay.

[947] I'm not a coddler.

[948] If you want wisdom shook into your ass, violently shook into your ass, all, of course, with your permission and signing a waiver first, then yes, this is for you.

[949] This is for you.

[950] And also, in my second closer, I would say this to all you college, college programs out there, universities.

[951] There should be a class to give these young people this.

[952] There should be a learn to love yourself class.

[953] How about that?

[954] Throw that in there into the curriculum.

[955] Why not?

[956] Learn to love yourself.

[957] Maybe this is a possible thing that you and Miles would do is travel to different universities and for an appropriate fee.

[958] Why not?

[959] May I elaborate tour, college tour, giving people something, a class, a little class.

[960] That's a little class.

[961] Yeah.

[962] Something to put into their heads.

[963] And before these young people are released into the world, you'll see those people who have pigeons on the roof.

[964] And they got them pigeons in cages and they unlock all the cages and all the pigeons fly away.

[965] Yeah.

[966] They fly away.

[967] They live a little bit.

[968] They go hang out in clubs and stuff like that.

[969] And then they come back.

[970] Then they come back to the cage and you lock it back up again.

[971] See?

[972] Oh, I love it.

[973] See, I said that was all we had time for a while ago, but you let it keep going.

[974] Yeah, but, you know, well, listen, you can't cage, you know, J .B., like some pigeon on a roof.

[975] You've got to let him go.

[976] He's a cooling pie, putting out his emanations, wherever they want to go.

[977] And there's no...

[978] My temperament is perfect, perfectly aged temperament.

[979] Perfect.

[980] I think you're both going to be arrested.

[981] We haven't caught us yet.

[982] We haven't caught us yet.

[983] I like any guru who ends his sessions with.

[984] They haven't caught us yet.

[985] A few episodes ago on the Bob Odenkirk interview, we did a segment at the end where it just kind of came out of you naturally that you should star in a blockbuster movie called Worley gig where you are this superhero who's still from the waist up but has vicious weapon flailing feet below, right?

[986] Yeah, it's actually not just the feet, it's the legs.

[987] I have a disproportionate body.

[988] shorter torso, extremely, extremely long legs.

[989] And so I love the idea that my upper half would remain perfectly still in frame and that my lower extremities, my two long, long, long, thin legs would whip around like those, you know, inflated kind of puppets in front of a car dealership.

[990] I'd have two of those.

[991] And I'd be called Worley gig.

[992] And the sound would be whee!

[993] And they would just whip around.

[994] Two of those would just whip around like we and I would defeat my foes.

[995] But my torso would remain perfectly still and my face would remain impassive expressionless.

[996] Well, we also put out a call for some fan art and posters for the film and people have delivered.

[997] We've got three really nice ones here today.

[998] But before we even get to that, someone also went so far as to write and record a theme song to the film, Worley Gig.

[999] What?

[1000] Whoa.

[1001] He's got egg beat on legs.

[1002] Wow.

[1003] Oh, wow.

[1004] My hat is off to this gentleman.

[1005] What is his name again?

[1006] His name is Barnacle Joe.

[1007] Of course it is.

[1008] Boy, the way he gets those Hs in in a whirlig.

[1009] Yeah, see, that's a wily gig.

[1010] And that was great.

[1011] I mean, I feel like that's going to sell just based on that song.

[1012] Barnacle Joe, fantastic job.

[1013] Really good.

[1014] That was impressive.

[1015] And now I'll show you some posters.

[1016] And you can go to Team Coco podcast.

[1017] on Instagram.

[1018] You can check these out.

[1019] First up is from Jesse Leahy, and this is Conan in a kilt with weird fleshy octopus legs.

[1020] That's pretty good.

[1021] It's not quite what I, first of all, I would not be smiling.

[1022] I would be my, it's got to be a, just an expressionless cold look, but not bad.

[1023] I still think it's more about the legs hinging up from the hips as opposed to the knees.

[1024] Yeah.

[1025] But, um, but I like this.

[1026] I like this.

[1027] and it's very well done.

[1028] It's very well rendered.

[1029] So I would probably, if this person was here, make a few suggestions here and there to nudge it closer to my vision.

[1030] But this is pretty close.

[1031] It's a good poll quote, though.

[1032] I was going to say the same thing.

[1033] Yeah, read it.

[1034] The list of requests not to see it is quite long, the Wall Street Journal.

[1035] Yes.

[1036] Still not the worst review I've ever had.

[1037] So there you go.

[1038] And then next up is from Julius Soutine.

[1039] This is quite...

[1040] It's a festival.

[1041] Look at that.

[1042] Yeah.

[1043] Look at that.

[1044] Matt, we wrote it.

[1045] We wrote this movie.

[1046] Oh, my God.

[1047] We did.

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] Very good, Julius.

[1050] I like also, you've got the leg to torso ratio just right.

[1051] That is actually probably correct.

[1052] Is that your butt?

[1053] No, that's the jacket coming down.

[1054] Oh, you're right.

[1055] It is the jacket.

[1056] It's the jacket coming down.

[1057] No, the minute I have an actual three -dimensional ass, everyone knows that it's not real.

[1058] That's what it is that makes it unreal.

[1059] Yeah, it's the jacket.

[1060] That's the jacket.

[1061] But that's very good.

[1062] That is very good.

[1063] Like the awards, festival awards, best drama, best legs, and most historically accurate, a cacaru.

[1064] It's a very, you know what I love?

[1065] I love getting even more Americans to waste their time and energy on projects that don't move the puzzle piece forward for humanity.

[1066] But these are great.

[1067] All right, this is from Katie Fischel, and it's got kind of a classic universal monsters feel.

[1068] I love that.

[1069] That's quite good.

[1070] And Katie, what Katie has correctly rendered is the legs shooting out from the hip area.

[1071] And she also has me wearing the early 1980s NBA basketball shorts.

[1072] A lot of attention to detail and the look on my face is correct.

[1073] This is very good.

[1074] And the reactions of the horrified people seeing my, those are really hairless legs.

[1075] Those are, are they?

[1076] Or is that stubble or freckles?

[1077] I think those are not, it's not pleasant, whatever it is.

[1078] It captures, oh, I said my legs are like spam, I think.

[1079] So yeah, those are little blotches, freckly blotches.

[1080] That's quite good.

[1081] That is quite good.

[1082] Yeah.

[1083] And it says they were just trying to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I think it drives home the fact that your character kills innocent people.

[1084] Yes.

[1085] Yes.

[1086] Yes.

[1087] People that don't, just nothing, they've done nothing wrong.

[1088] And it's very random.

[1089] Yes.

[1090] Just very random.

[1091] Very good work.

[1092] I'm very impressed, again, by the creativity of our fans, you know.

[1093] And often I forget what the riff was in the first place.

[1094] And then I see it, and I go, oh, my God.

[1095] What the hell, you know?

[1096] But thank you.

[1097] That was great.

[1098] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam Obsessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1099] Produced by me, Mac.

[1100] Corley.

[1101] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1102] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1103] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1104] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1105] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1106] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1107] Got a question for Conan?

[1108] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1109] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1110] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1111] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.