Your Kids Are Different, Not Broken

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[22] You have a child who is different and you're going to have to parent that child differently and it's really, really difficult.

[23] call it.

[24] And as we come upon Christmas, I want to do a short podcast to encourage you to know that you're okay and your kids are okay and to give you some tools to kind of fight back against the forces that get you to try to change your child all the time.

[25] And so this, thank you to a mom who just wrote in is kind of what inspired this.

[26] And she pulled out an excerpt from our ADHD university program, which is also actually for all kids.

[27] You don't have to be diagnosed, just kids with different brains.

[28] And she was like, when I read this and when I hear this, she said, I feel like I'm going to be okay.

[29] And so I wanted to share that with you to encourage you on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[30] So welcome.

[31] It's Kirk Martin, founder of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[32] Founder of Celebrate Calm.

[33] You can find our stuff at celebratecalm .com if you need help.

[34] Email our strong -willed son, Casey.

[35] He gets it because he's like your kids and he understands how all of this works.

[36] So his email address is Casey.

[37] See, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateColm .com.

[38] Tell us about your family.

[39] We will answer you usually within a few hours because we love this.

[40] We work all the time.

[41] This is our passion.

[42] We'll try to give you ideas and tips and perspective.

[43] And if you want our resources, we'll help you get it within our budget.

[44] We have a huge, huge Christmas clearance sale going on so you can find that at celebratecum .com.

[45] So this is something I call kind of 10 priorities for parents when you have a child is different.

[46] Number one, realize your kids are different, but they are not broken.

[47] And you may have to go through a grieving process of sorts because your child may have special needs that cause pain and discomfort, right?

[48] And you may have to go through the grieving process, many of you, because you didn't get the child that you wanted or expected.

[49] I had to go through that.

[50] But realize your child is not broken.

[51] They're just different, and they need different tools to succeed.

[52] See, you didn't create or cause this.

[53] It isn't anyone's fault.

[54] Your child may be different than the one you had imagined or pictured.

[55] I didn't like my son was little because he couldn't live up to my expectations.

[56] But I wouldn't trade Casey and even some of his tough qualities for anything in this world.

[57] Number two, people are going to try to put your kids in a box.

[58] Do not let them.

[59] You must have courage to be a ruthless advocate for your child's best interest.

[60] You are going to have to be the one who says no to extra homework, no to your in -laws judgments, no to unrealistic expectations, no to society trying to crush your kids' spirits.

[61] It's going to make you uncomfortable.

[62] It will make you a pariah, an outcast.

[63] People will lecture, judge, and look down on you.

[64] They will shake their heads at you, but you are the parent, and these are your choices to make no one else's.

[65] Number three, you must parent these kids differently.

[66] Not because of some diagnosis but because their brains and hearts are wired differently.

[67] Not wrong, just different.

[68] So it requires a different tone, different strategies.

[69] So you do that at work.

[70] You influence different people in different ways.

[71] I'm not talking about making excuses for your kids or coddling them.

[72] Not at all, but you're going to have to do it in a different way and that just makes us all uncomfortable.

[73] Number four, these kids may change you because they're so different than you.

[74] They will stretch you and cause you to go through really uncomfortable things.

[75] You're going to learn that your way isn't necessarily the only or right way to do things.

[76] I had a mom recently tell me, man, I can totally relate to this.

[77] My daughter looks exactly like me. But personality -wise, she is completely different.

[78] I struggle to get her to understand things that seem logical to me and were easy for me as a child.

[79] I have to remember she is different, learns in different ways, and that she isn't me. Kudos to you, Mom, for realizing that.

[80] These kids may change you because they're just like you.

[81] You may discover that your kids irritate you because they're just like you in some ways, or like your spouse.

[82] and because you love them, you don't want them to struggle like you did.

[83] So you'll try to force them to change.

[84] But you have a unique opportunity to identify with your kids so they don't feel alone.

[85] You'll be able to share your own struggles and triumphs and learn together.

[86] That's what bonded Casey and me together because we realized we're so much alike that I could walk him through what it feels like to be different.

[87] And so he felt understood.

[88] And if there's one thing we get more than anything else from parents, it is you help me understand my child's heart and brain.

[89] You help me understand them so that I don't misjudge their motives.

[90] Because if you misjudge your strong -willed child's motives, they will shut down and they will fight and resist you.

[91] So that's why I like kids listening a lot of times to our programs.

[92] Let them listen.

[93] They will feel very understood.

[94] and they will let you know all the things you're doing wrong.

[95] But it's a chance for you to be vulnerable and honest and really a bond with them.

[96] Number six, control your anxiety over their future.

[97] Resist the urge to project current troubles out 5, 10, or 20 years, right?

[98] Because we do that from an early age.

[99] Oh, how are they ever going to be successful if they can't do X?

[100] and it's no different at age four when they can't follow simple directions and they can't sit still in circle time than when they're in middle school and they do the minimum work necessary just to get by.

[101] Either way, you're going to project into the future and I want you to resist that with all of your might because kids mature and grow.

[102] Be ruthless in dealing with the present and know that you are a lot different now than you were at age 16, I hope.

[103] Number seven, strong and resolute.

[104] I am not going to sacrifice my child on the altar of my convenience or in order to make others feel more comfortable.

[105] And you're just going to have to wrestle with that because your kids are going to do odd things.

[106] They're going to look different, do different things and you have to get comfortable with that.

[107] Number eight, you, you, you get to determine what you value and what's important.

[108] You can either be swept along by society and try to fit your child into society's mold or determine what is really important and best for each of your children.

[109] Write down all of the qualities necessary to be a responsible, emotionally healthy adult with good relationships.

[110] Then focus relentlessly on building those traits in your child.

[111] Here's the tough part.

[112] That is not what schools in society usually value.

[113] So there's conflict.

[114] Who wins that?

[115] That's your choice.

[116] You just have to discern between what is important and what isn't.

[117] Impulse control is a must later on.

[118] Sitting still in circle time?

[119] Not so much.

[120] You get to decide.

[121] Number nine, spend your energy cultivating your child's gifts, talents, and passions.

[122] Beware of falling into the trap of making your kids fit other's expectations at the expense of your child's confidence.

[123] In our society, we tend to spend 85 % of our energy trying to fix what is wrong with our kids.

[124] Instead, we need to spend 85 % of our time cultivating their natural gifts, talents, and passions because your child's success in life is dependent on one thing, is really dependent on using their natural gifts, talents, and passions to serve and help other people.

[125] That's when you're successful, but we tend to focus on everything that's wrong all the time, right?

[126] So beware of falling into that trap, because that's when kids feel like they're being fixed, like something's wrong with them, and they will resist and shut down.

[127] See, this relentless focus on their negative, all the negatives, causes kids to shut down or become oppositional.

[128] Meanwhile, all of their gifts and passions that breed confidence begin to atrophy because we don't really value those.

[129] The hard part is their gifts and passions don't often get rewarded in school.

[130] So you're going to have to learn how to do that and cultivate those.

[131] Watch, this is a really important question.

[132] Other parents don't worry about getting their kids to be like yours.

[133] So why do you?

[134] Think about that.

[135] We spend all of our time, those of us with strong will kids, kids with special needs.

[136] We tend to spend all of our time trying to get our kids to be like the neurotypical kids.

[137] Why?

[138] They don't worry about having their kids be like ours.

[139] And I'm going to deal with that in just a minute in a cool way.

[140] number 10 you must lead with calm authority many of our kids are emotional sensitive oppositional prone to easy meltdowns and arguing you are going to have power struggles they're going to test you if you react to them and they can push your buttons then they are in control and they aren't supposed to be in control it makes them feel unsafe and they will pick up on tension in your marriage they will know when parents aren't on the same page so you're going to have to work on that and i thank you for all the time you have invested in all those other programs we have to become that calm leader because it is critical for these kids.

[141] And as you walk through those different programs, if you struggle, email me, I will help you.

[142] You invest in our programs.

[143] You work at it.

[144] You email us.

[145] We will help you walk through it.

[146] So here's what I wanted to end on.

[147] This notion, society valued different traits, you might not even be listening to this.

[148] Imagine if your child's teacher sent home this note to other students' parents, right?

[149] Maybe the kids with the neurotypical kids.

[150] Dear Mr. and Mrs. Campbell, I am concerned about Christopher's behavior.

[151] He lacks initiative.

[152] He just sits perfectly still all day, waiting for me to tell him what to do.

[153] Perhaps he is energy deficient.

[154] I'm concerned because he's not very curious.

[155] He doesn't blurt out or ask questions incessantly like my other students.

[156] I'm concerned because he's too compliant.

[157] And I fear he'll be a people pleaser.

[158] He never questions anything.

[159] He just always does what is asked.

[160] He's not very creative.

[161] He colors in the lines and follows the directions when building Legos.

[162] I'm concerned that when he gets into the real world, he won't have the skills to manage a dynamic environment without being told what to do all the time.

[163] He's capable of being more creative.

[164] He just needs to apply himself.

[165] We would like to complete testing to determine what is wrong with your son.

[166] See, can you see how that works?

[167] Nobody sends those notes home to the other kids.

[168] They don't, but that's the kind of note that you get sent home to your child from an early age as if something's wrong with them.

[169] Imagine, though, that you received this note, because if I were a teacher, this is the note I would send home.

[170] Dear Mr. and Mrs. Campbell, I absolutely love having Jacob in my class.

[171] He is so curious.

[172] He's always asking questions.

[173] When he's not interested in the topic, he will find five other subjects that really fire his imagination, and he's very persistent in learning about them.

[174] He has great critical thinking skills.

[175] He always presents the opposite argument.

[176] I love that the other students are exposed to his thinking because he isn't afraid to question everything.

[177] He is so creative.

[178] He's one of the few students who doesn't color within the lines.

[179] See, he has the confidence to draw from a different perspective than I ask.

[180] He's constantly using the fidgets I've given him quietly.

[181] And I love that because it means his brain is awake and he's tuned in, even when he's not giving me eye contact.

[182] I'm really excited about Jacob's future because he's a born leader.

[183] He's not afraid to delegate to others.

[184] He's not afraid to lead.

[185] He's a risk taker at times.

[186] And he's got this really huge heart.

[187] It is an honor to teach your son.

[188] Sometimes I feel like I learn as much about myself as I'm able to teach him.

[189] see imagine that that's what you are getting every day from schools and society in churches about your child that's how you need to view your child and so i encourage you write a note to your own child write a note to them and affirm them just in that last one about all their positive qualities even the ones that irritate you because in all of those irritating qualities are great qualities they just need to learn how to use that oppositional nature and the curiosity, but we don't want to strip that from them.

[190] So thank you for listening.

[191] Please share the Calm Parenting podcast with other parents.

[192] Let us know how we can help you.

[193] It's what we exist to do.

[194] So email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm .com, tell them about your family.

[195] We will help you.

[196] Please take advantage.

[197] We've got a huge Christmas clearance sale.

[198] Honestly, you get about 35 hours worth of practical strategies of what to do, how to do it, for the price now of what.

[199] one visit to a therapist's office.

[200] It's pretty amazing and it's really extremely helpful.

[201] So anyway, thank you for listening.

[202] Go to celebrate calm .com.

[203] Let's know if we can help you.

[204] Love you all.

[205] Merry Christmas.

[206] Happy Hanukkah and best wishes to everybody.

[207] Happy holidays.

[208] Bye.