#717 - Steve-O

[0] Gentlemen, we're live.

[1] Yeah, dude.

[2] Stivo, ladies and gentlemen, Brian Rubin, in the house.

[3] Steveau, preparing himself for his long stretch in the pokey from mocking SeaWorld openly on top of a very dangerous sign.

[4] Dude, there's a video of you.

[5] You were streaming live while you fucked with the SeaWorld sign.

[6] Would you write?

[7] Well, I had two different ones.

[8] I had the highway sign where I changed it to say SeaWorld sucks.

[9] and then there's the one where I climbed up the 150 -foot -tall crane.

[10] Okay, I think both of them made me shit my pants.

[11] One of them, we were watching it.

[12] Brian and I were watching it, and my toes were curling.

[13] Oh, no way, you were watching it live?

[14] Lifting up.

[15] Yeah, we were watching it one point.

[16] Weren't we watching it live?

[17] No, it was when we were in C -Rod, I mean, San Diego, and you were doing the sign one.

[18] Oh, right, right, right, right.

[19] And it was when you were climbing up the sign, and you kept on falling.

[20] And they kept landing on my head, yeah.

[21] Oh, dude, yeah.

[22] How did you live?

[23] I don't know, man That one made sense That was like appropriate It was right there down in San Diego near SeaWorld The highway sign said SeaWorld Drive and I changed it To say SeaWorld sucks It was appropriate My crane one was completely fucking idiotic It's like okay Let me protest SeaWorld At some random construction site Nowhere fucking near SeaWorld You know let me fucking bring An inflatable killer whale like a toy whale, climb up a 150 -foot crane.

[24] When you're 150 feet up in the air, no one's going to be able to see your fucking toy whale.

[25] You know, it's so dumb.

[26] What's that dot?

[27] Right, yeah.

[28] It's steve -o and a dot.

[29] I know, but nobody could even tell.

[30] By the time I get up there, I got 80 firefighters, 18 cops, a helicopter, and a SWAT team.

[31] I'm like...

[32] The problem with that stuff is if something real was going down and they had put all the resources.

[33] Oh, trust me, I get it.

[34] That's why I'm going to.

[35] to jail.

[36] How long are you going to jail for?

[37] Well, I have a 30 -day sentence, but I don't think I'll, like, I don't they, I think they automatically cut it in half and then maybe even get out even quicker.

[38] How does that work?

[39] I didn't necessarily have to go to jail at all.

[40] Like, I asked my lawyer to get me jail time specifically because my fucking cranescent out was so idiotic.

[41] I was like, man, I got to go to jail.

[42] That would be the only one tiny little part of it that makes any sense.

[43] sentence at all because like if you're trying to make a statement about captivity right you know put yourself in captivity right that's the whole deal so I asked for it and and so you asked for jail like you could have gotten out of jail I'm sure I could I could have done like community service like you know whatever like I was like no dude because I'm a fucking attention hoard so like I'm like like scrubbing graffiti that's not a cool story like going to jail that's a headline you know Like, I'm gonna get fucking, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, Steve was going to jail, that's fucking, that's newsworthy.

[44] That's so ridiculous.

[45] Yeah, welcome to my world.

[46] Did you say that?

[47] Did you say that to the judge?

[48] Well, not.

[49] I never even had to go to court because, you know, like they all worked it out.

[50] So, they kept postponing my arraignment.

[51] and when by the time the prosecutor and my lawyer finally worked out a deal then when the arraignment was back on they said hey we reached a deal and then they closed it all down have you been to jail before?

[52] I've got the fucking most hilarious criminal record ever dude what was the first time the first time I was like 16 or 17 like going to high school in England and just got nailed with some weed You went to jail in another country Oh, I've been to jail in like five countries Really?

[53] What's the scariest country?

[54] Maybe not five, but I've been to see Canada, England, America, Sweden And I'm not counting Mexico Because that was more of a catch and release You know Like they were fly fishing with no barb Right What would happen in Mexico It was like I was uh you know like blacking out on special k you know like ketamine and i was like climbing on this roof and like i kind of like fell off of it and and uh i don't know they just grabbed me and like detained me oh so it was not yeah yeah i mean i wasn't like uh yeah but it was pretty scary me it was like it was legit when you're in when you're in mexico like that's fucking you know you can vanish yeah people yeah like a lot of people vanish right they can't find that el chapo guy They're not going to find him No, apparently they were closing in on him And he fell and broke his leg And he was carried off by his guards Yeah, apparently they're close They keep closing in on them Right, but that's like a good disappear For that guy, he's psyched to disappear Most people disappear in Mexico Are totally not psyched That's a very good point Yeah, people vanish in Mexico Like those students, like the 43 students That were murdered It's this scary shit Right So when you were in Mexico When you, would you sober up in jail?

[55] Did you like realize what had happened?

[56] No, like, uh, man, I don't know.

[57] I mean, I guess like, uh, it all just like kind of worked out.

[58] It wasn't, it wasn't a big deal, you know?

[59] Um, they let me go.

[60] But, uh, they just kicked you out.

[61] Yeah, in Sweden, I was in, like, properly in jail for fucking five days.

[62] Like, um, for international drug smuggling.

[63] What did you bring in?

[64] Well, what I did, I was videotaping it and, uh, I was in Norway and I put a bunch of weed into a condom I tied it in a knot and swallowed it choked on it I was like peaking up blood trying to get it out Oh my God Yeah it's all on video So then I flew from Norway to Sweden So that it would You put it on video?

[65] Oh yeah yeah totally And then you put it on the internet Well yeah I mean later Later Later But I swallowed it in Norway And got in an airplane So that way I'm crossing international lines, you know, to qualify as an international drug smuggler.

[66] Then when I got to Sweden, you know, I was promoting my tour every interview, like they say like, oh, yeah, how are you doing?

[67] And I was saying, oh, man, I think I might die of intestinal strangulation because I swallowed this big package of drugs and it won't come out, you know, because it took days.

[68] It didn't come out for like six and a half days.

[69] So every like a reporter, like, wrote their article or whatever it was and the cops read the newspaper and so then they arrested me after I shited out and they took me to the jail and you know like they brought me into the from the jail to the hospital put me in this like cat scan machine which revealed they said a foreign object in my body I still don't know what that was and they kept me in a cell for five days shitting into plastic bags they're fucking digging through my shit Oh, my God.

[70] Yeah.

[71] And then after five days in there, they brought me back to the hospital for another, like, scan.

[72] And it showed that, like, the foreign object had only moved, like, three centimeters, like, my body.

[73] And so, like, they were like, oh, fuck it.

[74] And they just had me pay a fine and go.

[75] You don't even know what it is?

[76] I don't know.

[77] I don't know.

[78] They said it was, like, like, a key?

[79] I don't know.

[80] They said it was, like, sharp and, I don't know.

[81] It was sharp?

[82] Yeah, I really don't know what it was.

[83] Maybe they're even bullshitting, but...

[84] And it might be still in there?

[85] It's been over 10 years.

[86] Did you ever get yourself looked at again?

[87] No. I don't want an update.

[88] Where's my friend?

[89] Yeah.

[90] Where is he?

[91] I didn't even really care that much.

[92] But, yeah, Sweden, that was wild, man. And again, I was super psyched because I knew I was on that little scrolling fucking thing on CNN at the bodies.

[93] So you were psyched for that.

[94] Well, yeah, I mean, I thought I might...

[95] Because, okay, now, when they brought me to the station initially, Like, they put my backpack on the table, and they reach into it.

[96] Like, the first pocket they reached into, the first thing they pulled out was a fucking ecstasy pill.

[97] Like, with a fucking, like, it had a print, like an imprint of a smiley face on it, you know?

[98] Oh, God.

[99] And I didn't even remember it being in there.

[100] I'm like, fuck, I didn't know that was in there.

[101] And then I thought, man, maybe I'll be in Sweden for a while.

[102] But it turns out that ecstasy wasn't even like that, you know, they weren't even that bent out of shape over ecstasy.

[103] They're more pissed about weed over there.

[104] Really?

[105] Yeah, I don't know why.

[106] It's just like one of those weird country things.

[107] Well, because weed, like, they think it makes you lazy, I think, and they're not cool.

[108] That's how it is in Asia.

[109] What?

[110] I think, you know, they're like, you know, this, like, that makes you lazy, and we're not fucking lazy people.

[111] And so they want to really punish you.

[112] That really frustrates me, that stereotype with weed making you lazy.

[113] That drives me crazy.

[114] That is the one that drives me the most nuts.

[115] You're lazy, you're lazy.

[116] We does not make you fucking lazy It just doesn't I'm not lazy It drives me nuts I was never lazy man When I was loaded No My longest time in jail Well you know I got I was in LA County jail For five days one time I got arrested For Felony obscenity And principal To second degree battery In Louisiana Whoa Yeah because it was like I was doing my old show What does that mean Principal to It means I arranged like an assault.

[117] What the fuck happened?

[118] Well, what happened was, like, I was doing my old show, and, you know, part of it was I was chugging out of a tequila bottle, like, throughout the whole thing, and I'd, like, you know, whatever.

[119] Like, I had the tequila bottle at the edge of the stage, and, you know, some kid, like, climbed on the stage and grabbed the bottle, and I see these bouncers come over and just neutralize it, you know, and I'm like, these guys are good.

[120] These fucking bouncers are pro.

[121] So I said, who wants to get on this stage and try to run from one side of the stage to the other past the bouncers?

[122] It's a British bulldog.

[123] We'll play British bulldog.

[124] And these guys are going to fuck you up.

[125] So this one kid who was like this bony, little skinny, little 19 -year -old kid was like jumping up and down, like pointing at himself.

[126] Like he was just so, He wanted it so bad.

[127] And I couldn't, like, I had to pick him.

[128] So I picked this kid, and he ran, he just ran, you know, I'm videoing it myself.

[129] I said, one, two, three, go.

[130] The kid, like, runs halfway across the stage, and they just grabbed me. It was totally anticlimactic.

[131] And these three, like, football player, the college football player bouncers, like, they just lifting them up, like, in unison, like, over their heads and, like, just spiked the kid on his head on the stage.

[132] Oh, no. And he was, like, twitching and, like, you know.

[133] I don't think the police report said he was bleeding out of an ear or something, like.

[134] And it was really fucked up, you know.

[135] Why did they do that when they knew that he was going to run across?

[136] I don't know.

[137] I never said slam him on his head, you know.

[138] I'd said that maybe fuck him up being that.

[139] But, but, yeah, and so, like, you know, in my mind, I'm thinking, oh, dude, this is such a lawsuit.

[140] Like, this is, this is bad, you know.

[141] That's so funny.

[142] You're not thinking, oh, my God, this poor kid's dead.

[143] you're thinking legal fees right that too but like whatever it was it was just all bad you know it was all bad in my head like the mantra the show must go on like pretend it's not bad and just continue so i'm like i was like oh fuck on the video and somebody in the crowd was was uh had a home video camera rolling on and this was like what was it 2002 so like i mean this is before they had cameras on cell phones and someone's got like like a fucking like VHS home video camera and um on on the tape which they turned over they were like that's a crime so they turned it over to the cops or they escaped to the newspaper and the newspaper gave it to the cops so on the thing i'm like that kid's being loaded into an ambulance fucking who wants to play another round of british bulldog oh no i know it was bad did anybody sign up for round two i can't remember i can't i can't remember if we did or not but but uh That doesn't seem like a salt, though, honestly.

[144] Well, it was principal to second degree battery, or whatever.

[145] I think that's how I think I have it right.

[146] And, like, you know, that was a crime, but the people, like, you know, they watched this video, they really were upset with Stivo.

[147] And so there was another point in the video where I use an industrial staple gun to staple my ball sack to my leg.

[148] Oh, you know, normal shit.

[149] Right.

[150] And so I've got, and I'm covered in blood, too.

[151] Like, because, like, part of the other part of the show, I would break a light bulb over my head and, like, pick up, like, a piece of the broken glass and, like, literally slash my tongue.

[152] Because the tongue, like, bleeds so much, and it heals really fast, so I just bleed all over myself and smear blood everywhere.

[153] And so I'm covered in blood, and I've got my dick and balls just blatantly out, and I'm holding the industrial staple gun, getting ready to staple my ball sac to my leg.

[154] And I say, this is not art. this is just to be offensive and stapled my balls to my leg and so like being that it was Louisiana in one of these parishes they deemed that felony obscenity which was a saving grace man because like because the story on that one was like Stevo got arrested for stapling his balls to his leg you know like the thing with the kid didn't really play that much in the media you know he didn't sue me though he did sue me Yeah, for like brain damage.

[155] I don't think he even had brain damage.

[156] Well, I'll tell you right now, he had brain damage.

[157] 100%.

[158] You get spiked on your head.

[159] Some cells die.

[160] I mean, maybe.

[161] Oh, 100%.

[162] Right.

[163] 100%.

[164] But, yeah, no, like, I got properly sued.

[165] So did you go to, did you lose or did you go to court?

[166] Well, I mean, it was settled.

[167] You settled?

[168] We settled it.

[169] Can you say how much?

[170] He got 50 grand.

[171] That's not that good.

[172] But, you know, like, you know.

[173] I think that that's what it was.

[174] Did you talk to the bouncers?

[175] Maybe 50 grand was my legal fees.

[176] I can't remember.

[177] Did you talk to the bouncers?

[178] Why did you spike him on his head?

[179] Why didn't he just grab him?

[180] I know.

[181] Grabbing him would have been funny, you know?

[182] Right.

[183] Just grab and take him out of their help, you know, to hold them over their head.

[184] Throw them into the audience like a stage diver.

[185] Yeah, yeah.

[186] They really, really, it was upsetting.

[187] They shouldn't have done that.

[188] See, the problem is you give people a green light like that?

[189] Right.

[190] You've seen some shit the bouncers have done to people when people climb onto that stage.

[191] There's a green light.

[192] I mean, it's like it's sort of like the cop thing.

[193] You know, like when cops, like did you see that video, recent video of the cop grabbing the school girl?

[194] She's in her desk.

[195] She won't get out of her desk.

[196] And he just fucking ragdolls her and slams her in the desk on the ground.

[197] It's when cops have the green light, when they can do whatever they want to do.

[198] Then you're leaving it up to the discretion of this guy that's probably not thinking that straight, a little stressed out.

[199] Yeah, I got beat up by a few bouncers.

[200] One guy grabbed me, took me out back, and just, like, pushed me against the wall and just kept on slapping me in the face and wouldn't let me go.

[201] And he, like, sat there for, like, 10.

[202] I was like, I was just, like, wailing on my face?

[203] Then he'll be like, you're going to do that again, motherfucker?

[204] And then just, like, punch me in.

[205] I felt like I was captured.

[206] Yeah, it was kidnapped.

[207] Yeah.

[208] It's kind of kidnapping the assault, really.

[209] Yeah, because I was outside of the club.

[210] He was just ramming me against the wall and shit, like.

[211] They're not supposed to do that.

[212] Right.

[213] But we left that club in Louisiana.

[214] And I knew I was going to hear about it.

[215] again.

[216] And sure enough, like, it took a couple weeks, but, you know, I was, like, sleeping off a cocaine bender, and my roommate said, hey, man, you really got to get up for this.

[217] And there's, like, the L .A. The L .A. fugitive division.

[218] They had, like, they had a, a fugitive warrant out of Louisiana with...

[219] For you?

[220] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[221] There's a, there are two charges.

[222] The felony obscenity and then the second degree battery thing LA should just let that felony slide but they should be like you keep that yourself you fucking goofy redneck douchebag yeah but you know the thing no I loved that charge and the thing was that's my favorite charge right but the thing was that like they gave me a $120 ,000 bail like a warrant for the battery and then for the felony obscenity they gave me a million so i got that so i showed up on the the like the fugitive list like and like pull position number one with 1 .12 million dollar bail oh my god and so they arrested position number one like it's a fucking NASCAR race and uh and so like they they brought me in they're like what'd you do and i'm like i stapled my balls to my leg you know like that nobody could understand it.

[223] And I was in LA County Jail in the protective custody where I'll be starting on December 9th.

[224] They're going to put you in protective custody?

[225] Well, yeah.

[226] I mean, I'm like a kind of high profile dude.

[227] And you would be in protective custody too.

[228] And, you know, I mean, at the time, it was 2002, I just got my back tattoo, but the movie wasn't out yet.

[229] It's nobody knew about it.

[230] And the cops were pretty psyched to have me in there and they brought me into like their office, whatever.

[231] Like, they're giving me like boxes and boxes of cookies.

[232] and taking pictures with my back tattoo and they're like, I remember they were like oh, dude, you'll be fine in here, man. What is the back tattoo that they were taking pictures?

[233] No, my self -portrait.

[234] Oh.

[235] Yeah, you know it.

[236] Yeah, I've seen it.

[237] That's right.

[238] Yeah.

[239] But they were like, oh, you'll be fine in here, man. This is Robert Downey Jr. block, you know, like we've had, they're listing up all the celebrities that have been in there.

[240] You know, like Tommy Lee, like everybody, and they're like, and ODB is always in here.

[241] you're actually in his cell.

[242] Oh, D .B. I missed that, dude.

[243] Fuck, yeah.

[244] That was a good one.

[245] The longest I was in jail was 10 days in Orlando for, that was for drunk driving.

[246] Now, that's fucked up.

[247] Yeah.

[248] Like, that was fucked up.

[249] And I remember, like, that was in 1996.

[250] And, I mean, I hadn't really broken out yet, you know?

[251] So, like, I couldn't really.

[252] I mean, I barely could afford to get to Orlando.

[253] Like, I lived in South Florida, like, near West Palm Beach.

[254] And so I had to scrape money together for a, for a Greyhound bus to get to Orlando.

[255] And I was like, I can't afford to get there once for my arraignment.

[256] I can't afford to, like, go get arraigned, and then set a date, and then come back, and then come back again.

[257] And my, I had a public defender.

[258] The public defender said, yeah, I saw this.

[259] video we're not going to be able to do much about this you know that was the one where my arrest report said a defendant declined roadside sobriety tests stating he would prefer to take a nap because i was trying to argue that i wasn't actually drunk i was just really tired and uh so i just told the the public the public defender guy was like man um i can't afford to like go home and come back again so like at the arraignment can we just like plead guilty and like ask that i go to jail like right away so so that's what we did and i actually did the whole 10 days so what's worse mexico or orlando as far as jail um well the the Mexico was just like holding you know like Orlando was like proper like proper jail like like process.

[260] And it was pretty mellow because, like, in Orlando, they said, like, you know, as you get, like, you know, process, you get, like, you get, like, orientation, you know, they kind of break down what it's going to be like.

[261] They give you a tub of, like, a tub or wear tub of, like your belongings where you've got, like, whatever, like your blanket, like a soap, like, you know, they won't let you have a razor, but like a toothbrush.

[262] Um, and they're like, these are your, this is your, your belongings, okay?

[263] Like, you're going to have it at the foot of your bed.

[264] You're going to keep it.

[265] Like, like, you're going to keep it.

[266] Like, like, this and like fucking don't piss us off don't do anything wrong because if you hear pack up your belongings you know then what that means is uh then you're gonna pack all your shit into your tub and you're going into the fucking dungeon you know and what that means like uh is that like if you're in the dungeon then down there they're like and there's just not there's you're just not on camera down there like anything can happen to you like and like uh you know that was like sort of the the incentive to like be on your best behavior you know because up here like everything's on camera like you can you know and it was just like you don't want to you don't want to go to the dungeon they're just letting you know that if you bring you down if you if you fuck up if you fuck up you're going down and bad shit's going to happen to you because you're going to be because only people go down to the dungeon are like like dangerous people that you don't want to be like fucking with so they're going to be with you in the dungeon so that's the that yeah yeah basically basically like the worst people who are more inclined to hurt you are in the dungeon and no cameras yeah if i remember because i remember like being like always on camera no matter what happened i don't if it was no cameras but they're just like we're not going to like down there nothing can nothing's going to be nothing gets stopped like you're gonna get fucked you're gonna be fucked and then it worked it kept like everything pretty like civil you know like so i i was i was uh very well behaved Now, when you're in jail for 10 days, is it easy, like, in 10 days?

[267] Can you get drugs in 10 days?

[268] Or do you have to, like, get to know the system?

[269] I don't think that you're going to have as much luck in county jail.

[270] Like, county jail, by definition, means that you have a sentence of less than one year.

[271] And then, at the point of it being one year, then it's called prison.

[272] And in prison, I think, it's like, that's where you can get whatever you want and all that.

[273] Really?

[274] Yeah.

[275] I don't think like jail is as you know probably make hooch is probably the big thing right I mean and and maybe like I even I don't have that much experience I don't know but like I couldn't get you know I was doing like backflips for extra food and shit you know like people give you food like the people that work there or the people that other inmates the people that work there you know when they had the cart that they came by and um and I remember too like there was like uh in in orlando the jail is a big business in Orlando because it's kind of like mecca you know like maybe even more than mecca like more families like travel from all over the world to it's like the biggest like tourist thing so like the business is like they say like you come to Orlando on vacation you leave on probation and then you return on violation and uh they have all the theme parks there right they have Disneyland they have There's a bunch of them.

[276] The Seaworld there, too?

[277] They got SeaWorld in Orlando and San Antonio and San Diego.

[278] When are they closed in SeaWorld down?

[279] Because in California, they just made it illegal for them to breed in captivity.

[280] Dude, they fucking made, they banned captive breeding.

[281] California banned captive breeding, which means that it only applies to the San Diego Sea World.

[282] But that fucking came down, whatever that decision was made official, like within two days of me getting my jail sentence.

[283] That's amazing.

[284] And I like to think, man, maybe it's such a coincidence, but I like to think that I got people sort of talking about it, you know, like, thinking about it.

[285] And then they were like, you know what?

[286] Fuck those people.

[287] Well, you definitely did.

[288] You definitely put some attention on it, but there's been some attention on it for quite a while.

[289] Of course.

[290] And that movie, Blackfish was the big one.

[291] That was the big one.

[292] That woke up a lot of people when they just realized, like, whoa, well, what is this place?

[293] Killed SeaWorld for me forever.

[294] I used to love it going as a kid.

[295] I was always telling you, like, you're, You're going to watch prisoners.

[296] You're going to watch slaves.

[297] I know.

[298] It's super fucked, dude.

[299] It's super fucked.

[300] They're like water people.

[301] I mean, they really are like as smart as human beings.

[302] They just don't affect their environment.

[303] I think smarter, too, because, like, just their loyalty and shit like that.

[304] Like, humans aren't that loyal.

[305] Well, you could say that, but some humans are.

[306] And dolphins kill a lot of babies.

[307] Right.

[308] You know, like, they kill baby dolphins.

[309] They rape a lot.

[310] They're not the best.

[311] Right.

[312] I mean, there's, like.

[313] Dolphins are dicks, but not where.

[314] Whales.

[315] Well, even killer whales.

[316] Killer whales kill dolphins.

[317] Oh, yeah?

[318] Yeah, and whales.

[319] They eat whales alive.

[320] Like, it's a hard fucking world in the ocean.

[321] The ocean's a dog -eat -dog world, or a dolphin -eat -baby world or a whale, killer whale.

[322] One thing for sure, though, there has never been an instance of a killer whale.

[323] You know, people would like to call them orcas.

[324] And orcas never attacked a human in the wild.

[325] That's true.

[326] Because when we were filming Wild Boys, we went to Alaska, and we, like, we, like, we, like, like ran across a pod of, uh, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, uh, and, um, we had manny, the crazy shark guy, you know, like the Tarzan looking dude that rides sharks everywhere.

[327] And he was so jazz.

[328] He sees, he's killing these fucking killer whales in the wild.

[329] He's like, like, like, just dives in to go swim with them, you know, and like, uh, and we, we had, we had an inflatable killer whale there, too.

[330] And, like, we, we towed Pontius, like, on it, you know, like, try to, like, like, right through him.

[331] But you couldn't, you swim towards these orcas and they're out man they don't want to hang with you yeah they but they have saved people they've saved drowning people before oh yeah yeah they've people who capsized boats they've actually like lifted them up and helped them they're they're very smart they say that they have dialects they have like you can tell their different accents they they they recognize each other they stay with the same family for life that's why it's so fucked up when they take them away like you're stealing someone away like a child away from their mother It's so fucking dark And when you see those SeaWorld commercials They're like we haven't taken Orcas from the Wild in over 34 years You imagine if there was a commercial for like Nabisco And Nabisco was like we haven't stolen slaves In over 34 years The slaves that we have We have had them for a long time That's basically what they're saying I know it's fucked up dude Go ahead I grew up with a sea world in Ohio And it's really weird how you know growing up they don't teach you that like hey we captured these guys you always kind of thought like oh they're injured and we we helped them and that's why they're here it was always kind of like oh i like CRO because i like i want to see these dolphins do good and and be better but after watching that movie you realize you know it's the exact opposite they just kind of right it's slavery yeah they say a dolphin has a cerebral cortex it's 40 % larger than a human beings.

[332] I believe it.

[333] They don't, I mean, they don't have the ability to alter their environment.

[334] They can't pick things up and move them around.

[335] They can't send emails, but they don't have to.

[336] They live in a 3D world.

[337] Like, they can fly around.

[338] In their world, I mean, they come up for air, but in their world, they can go left, right, up, down.

[339] They don't need fingers.

[340] Like, it's not necessary.

[341] So our idea, like, what's intelligence, like, if you can't type something, or if you can't build a house, you're a fucking idiot.

[342] You know, that's how we look at it.

[343] But just, but those things.

[344] that we define as intelligent when it comes to human beings are completely unnecessary.

[345] They go where the water's warm.

[346] The fish are everywhere.

[347] Fish are stupid as fuck.

[348] They swim up to them.

[349] They jack them.

[350] Dolphins probably never starve to death.

[351] I mean, they're faster than fish.

[352] I mean, I guess they die of old age.

[353] But you got to think, like, unless they run out of fish, fish are probably easy as fuck for them to catch.

[354] They just swim up and jack them.

[355] It's like food is floating around the sky.

[356] Imagine if everywhere you went, like there's sandwiches.

[357] Just floating around in front of you, you just hang out with your homies and grab a sandwich.

[358] Yeah, that's dolphin world.

[359] Yeah, that's dolphin world.

[360] But they do do some dark shit, but they usually do it in the name of breeding.

[361] That's why female dolphins are like super slutty.

[362] They're super slutty because they want to have, because they can't recognize lines of paternity.

[363] So they don't necessarily know whether or not the baby's theirs.

[364] So if they go up to a chick and she's got babies and they have never had sex with her, The women, the female dolphins, won't have sex until their baby has reached, like, maturity, until their baby can swim away.

[365] It's like a few years, I believe.

[366] So when the males come up to females and they have babies and they haven't had sex with the male, with the female, they'll sometimes kill the babies so that she'll have sex with them again.

[367] It's pretty fucked up.

[368] Lions do shit like that, too.

[369] Bears do shit like that too.

[370] Yeah.

[371] That's the other thing, that video with you and the line.

[372] That's another one in the tree.

[373] We've watched that a few times.

[374] times on this show and freaked.

[375] Yeah, but in any case, I'm going to jail for fucking good cause, man. I used to get arrested for fucked up shit, man, you know, like drugs and violence.

[376] Like, in Canada, I got arrested.

[377] For violence?

[378] What kind of, yeah.

[379] What'd you do?

[380] It was assault.

[381] Like, um, and we actually ran away from cops and got away.

[382] It was on New Year's Eve of when, uh, 2003.

[383] I want to say it was, uh, uh, it was 2003 turning into 2004 did this big show and some fucking asshole got on stage and like snuck up like whatever and like sucker punched me while I was on stage you know like he fucking punched me and so of course everybody grabs him and starts beating the shit out of him and and I'm like you know on the microphone saying fucking kick his ass you know like you know trying to like it started out as an assault on me but by the time I was like no I kick his ass and they're beating him just all blood And Preston Lacey, the big guy on Jackass, had his microphone.

[384] He was just like grating the dude's forehead off with the microphone.

[385] So it was kind of bloody from that.

[386] And then they carried him, you know, they were carrying him away.

[387] And I, like, hauled off and kicked the guy, you know.

[388] And so like...

[389] You got in trouble for that?

[390] I did.

[391] Yeah, the cops were called.

[392] And we just, I think, maybe, like, ran off the stage and just dipped, you know, like, and got away.

[393] But then I was back You know I'm you know my new tour in a fuck And I was in I was in Calgary And I'm on the I'm on the The morning news promoting my shows They said have you ever been to Calgary before I said oh yeah Like I was I was here And we really beat the crap out of this guy And then we ran from cops and got away They still let you in Canada Well I'm Canadian I have a Canadian passport I'm also American and I'm also British but uh what i yeah my mom was born in canada my dad was born in america i was born in england so i'm all three well you so all you have to do is be born in a country like that and you get a citizen for your citizen yeah but then they allow you to be a citizen of america too correct yeah you can't be a you can't be a sweet deal you can't be a resident of more than one place right but you can be a citizen and all i got i did marry like an australian chick and i'm stoked even new zealand would be even better and so then you're like quadra right Quarge citizen.

[394] I'm triple national.

[395] The thing was, though, like, so I'm bragging about, like, yeah, we beat up this guy and fucking ran from the cops.

[396] And then when I left from that trip, hand over the passport, like, to the immigration guy, like, you know, going through the airport.

[397] He's like, yeah, go ahead and wait in this room.

[398] That was a red flag.

[399] Yeah, so the cops came and arrested me. And I was in, I mean, they held me for, like, 12 hours or 10 hours or something.

[400] And what they say when they arrested you?

[401] They said there's a, you have an outstanding warrant, which I think it's pretty funny.

[402] It's like an outstanding warrant.

[403] Yeah, but how outstanding?

[404] This is a good one.

[405] So that's, I think there's other meanings for outstanding.

[406] Right.

[407] So why did they let you go after 12 hours?

[408] Because I paid bail, like a $10 ,000 bail or something.

[409] That's it?

[410] Did you have to go back and go to court?

[411] I mean, it was a misdemeanor, you know, whatever.

[412] Like, I got it sorted out from, you know, like, whatever.

[413] Canada doesn't play when it comes to assault, though.

[414] Like, if you've been in a strength fight.

[415] Canada doesn't play when it comes to anything, man. Like, Canada is the fucking toughest country to get into.

[416] I mean, like, everybody gets hell of it.

[417] If you got a drunk driving arrest, like, you're not allowed in.

[418] Like, assault, I don't know if there was that big of a deal.

[419] But whatever, you know, it was great because I was able to sort of, you know, like clear away the wreckage in my past.

[420] Like, for all the fucked up shit I've done, like, I like to think I've made it all right, you know.

[421] How about the dude that got spiked on his fucking head?

[422] He's fine, dude He's got 50 grand, man That got Special K through that 50 grand The first day That's a It's a weird thing Like the Canadian thing Like they live right next door to us So they got to be real careful About like fugitives Sneaking across the border So they're super strict About any weirdness Like Eddie Bravo A long time ago Got pulled over Not even arrested For having a legal he used to work for a check cash in company.

[423] So he used to take these bags of cash around with them and he had a concealed weapons permit.

[424] And so he gets pulled over by the cops and he tells the cops, officer, I work for a check cashing company.

[425] I have a large sum of cash and I also have a concealed weapon and here's my permits here, my paperwork.

[426] And so they take him out of the car, they handcuff him, check his paperwork.

[427] They go, everything seems in order.

[428] You're free to go.

[429] And they let him go.

[430] So every time he goes to Canada, they bring up that every time.

[431] Still on his record somehow?

[432] Still on his record.

[433] Still on his record and wasn't even an arrest.

[434] They pulled them over.

[435] But when it involves a gun, if it involves anything where you...

[436] Large amounts of cash, everybody's pretty uptight about.

[437] But it was, it was all legit.

[438] He worked for a check cashing company.

[439] So he had a total 100 % ironclad excuse.

[440] They let him out.

[441] I mean, he never brought him to jail.

[442] They let him go.

[443] But still, every time he goes to Canada, they check him.

[444] Kevin James had a real hard time because Kevin James got in the street fight like in like high school or college or something like that and got arrested no conviction nothing but every time he would go to canada like when before he was famous we do the montreal comedy festival together every time we'd go to canada they'd fuck with them you know australia is the same way man australia is um like maybe even harder to get into than canada and like i'm not australian so when i when i go to australia i have to um like fulfill like with my visa application I have to submit my entire criminal record, like my whole history.

[445] And it's like so long.

[446] It's hilarious.

[447] Like, you know, I mean, there's even a bunch of stuff I didn't even mention.

[448] Like, you know, like being arrested all over the States and stuff.

[449] Nothing was really.

[450] How many times have you been arrested?

[451] There's one in Philadelphia, like public urination was like, I mean, kind of mellow.

[452] It was more like funny than anything.

[453] And there's my first drunk driving.

[454] You should have, like, those, like, four lines and a stripe for five every time you get arrested, like, counting off the days in prison.

[455] When I, like, last year, like, you know, like a year and a half ago or something, I did a whole Australia tour.

[456] And, you know, I was, like, putting it all together.

[457] And I made, like, a YouTube video, like, like, actually going through my whole, like, official thing.

[458] Like, with all the paperwork, you know, my criminal, like, my criminal past or whatever.

[459] And at the same time, too, the.

[460] the Australian tour promoter wanted me to have a name for my tour.

[461] You know, like, oh, we like to have, you know, a name for the tour.

[462] And so I'm going through my whole arrest history.

[463] And so I told him, yeah, man, it's Stevo Guilty as Charged.

[464] His name of the name of my tour, you know.

[465] And so that's been the name of my tour for like a year and a half.

[466] You know, like if anybody wants to know the name of it, that's what it is every time.

[467] And now, and why I'm so excited to be here today is because in like less than three weeks in Austin, Texas, I'm taping my first comedy special for Showtime.

[468] And it's, of course, called Stevo Guilty as Charged.

[469] Where are you taping it?

[470] At the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas.

[471] Oh, that's a good spot.

[472] I've been there.

[473] Oh, dude.

[474] It's so fucking, I mean, I just love Texas.

[475] I love Texas so much.

[476] And it's the one place that I haven't been to with this tour.

[477] So it's like, I have a fresh.

[478] fresh crowd you know and um what are you doing on tour are you doing straight stand -up or you doing it's it's like a one -man show where like uh it's totally stand -up it's totally stories and like on story points throughout the show like i do like super fucked up stunts you know like what like uh i mean when i come in like i'm gonna like blast fucking uh like a 12 pack of soda cans on my head, you know, like, until they're all, like, busted open.

[479] What?

[480] Yeah.

[481] Wait, how do you do that?

[482] Like, you just take the can and it's not open, and you just fucking keep smashing it in your head until it breaks.

[483] And it's, it's going to be so dope with all the lights, you know, like, all the lights.

[484] And once it, once it breaks, it's, like, spraying, like, super fucking a lot, you know?

[485] And so, like, it looked dope, man. I'll break, like, at least six of them.

[486] and uh and then um whatever like you know you look so healthy for someone who's done so much fucked up shit to your body like you walk normal yeah you seem to be your voice a little raspy but everything's coming out good well thanks man i appreciate it dude um but yeah then like whatever you know at the top of my show i like uh you know i got some crowd work and stuff like um and i don't even waste any time before i start fucking bagging on carlos mencia And your crowd work?

[487] Well, yeah, because, like, all I pulled out, like, one of my big bits is, you know, like, I'll pull the crowd about, you know, ladies clap if you've ever received a dick pick from someone, you know.

[488] It's, like, really, like, you know, it's just, like, one of my, like, you know, best, like, crowdwork bits.

[489] And, you know, after I get done, like, with all, like, the back and forth with, you know, it's just really fucking funny to pull, like, you know, now, like, what kind of dick picks did you get?

[490] like from guys that you weren't hooking up with.

[491] Like, now clap if you got a dick pick from a guy that you were not hooking up with at all.

[492] And like less, but still a ton of chicks clapping.

[493] Okay, now I want you to clap really loud if you went on to have sex with that guy.

[494] It's just crickets, you know?

[495] I'm like, so it doesn't work, you know?

[496] And then I tell them, like, you know, and I just saw this thing recently, and so I just started doing it.

[497] Like, I say, you know, I saw this funny thing online about dickpicks and it was so funny, I stole it, you know, It was one of these memes where a girl is saying, receiving a dig pick from a guy is just like her cat bringing her a dead mouse.

[498] She says, I can see that you are very proud.

[499] But I'm not touching it.

[500] Right.

[501] That's hilarious.

[502] That's fucking funny.

[503] And people will like actually clap, you know?

[504] And I say, and I say like every time I'm like, oh my God, I can't fucking like, this floors me. getting applause for a joke I told you I stole I said I fucking love this so much I decided I'm gonna do a whole fucking bit just out of jokes I stole I call it the Carlos Mencia bit and so that I just say really quick because I don't like to fucking I don't even I'm not even comfortable doing this but I'm like I'll tell you two jokes one you've heard of when you haven't but I stole them both did you hear what Greg Fitzsson's doing Yeah.

[505] I don't want to ruin it.

[506] I want people to come to Austin so much because, like, normally I do comedy clubs, you know?

[507] And, like, I sell the lines share of my tickets, like, once I get there.

[508] You know, I don't do a lot of advanced tickets sales.

[509] I show up, and I get on the radio, and people are like, oh, he's here.

[510] And then I do great, you know, like, I do really well.

[511] But in this case, for, and it's November 21st this month at the Paramount Theater in Austin.

[512] Like, I don't have the luxury of waiting to get there to fucking sell tickets because it's a fucking.

[513] in a showtime comedy special.

[514] We have to have that place sold the fuck out.

[515] What's the date?

[516] November 21st.

[517] Dude, we'll tweet the shit out of it.

[518] Oh, dude, I'm so stoked, man. Thank you.

[519] Yeah, November 21st, Paramount Theater.

[520] You can, like, find it at stevo .com.

[521] We'll tweet it.

[522] We'll tweet it after this show is over.

[523] Yeah, dude.

[524] And I know like a million people are listening right now.

[525] Can we put it in the YouTube notes that he'll be there?

[526] Okay, we'll put in the YouTube notes to the show too.

[527] It's super appreciated it.

[528] Yeah, and, uh, it's going to be a bunch of people want to see you smash soda cams on your head oh dude you better i used to do it like i used to do it like on comedy clubs like six times a week oh my god you know like like one two or three and uh but the thing is i would fucking wake up in the morning and i'd fucking like get to get out of bed and i'm walking like fucking diagonally like i'm like my whole fucking equilibrium was off and i was like i've got to stop hitting myself in the fucking head but yet you're going to do it again i'm going to do it but yeah that's only two shows oh i see i was doing it like all the time so you're doing it like Wednesday, Thursday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

[529] Right, right, right, right, exactly.

[530] So by the time Sunday rolled around, you had brain damage.

[531] Totally.

[532] But, yeah, so in any case, I'll be smashing the cans.

[533] I do like the, you know, I've got like a couple bits, like, with the crowd work, and then the fucking, you know, by the time, I'll even tell you the jokes.

[534] I fucking think they're funny.

[535] The ones I stole for the Carlos Mency a bit.

[536] But if you do that, then the people...

[537] You're right.

[538] You're right.

[539] You're right.

[540] Yeah.

[541] Thank you, Joe.

[542] There's a lot of people are listening.

[543] Thank you, Joe.

[544] They listen.

[545] They remember.

[546] They write shit down.

[547] Heard it.

[548] I heard this one.

[549] You stole it and I heard it.

[550] Yeah.

[551] Thank you, Joe.

[552] But then, like, you know, after that, then it's like, okay, now I'm going to really get into it.

[553] And so it's sort of like I start off, you know, addressing, like, how people have asked me for so long.

[554] Like, how did I get into it?

[555] How did the jackass shit start?

[556] And, you know, I give, like, a super condensed, like, super hilarious.

[557] like sort of fucking genesis story of like you know starting with like me in high school and getting cop and dealing drugs and like and uh you know like going to to college and just fucking up royally i mean i've fucked up royally in college and uh what did you do in college it was so bad well within two weeks of class starting my freshman year i was i was on final disciplinary probation which is fucking impressive two weeks yeah i got my room rated and like uh They found all my alcohol and weed and shit.

[558] And so, like, you know, so they relocated me into another fucking dorm, you know, and they're like, you were on final disciplinary probation.

[559] And, like, I climbed up, like, I broke out a window and climbed down to the roof.

[560] And, you know, there's a radio tower on top of the roof, and I climbed up that, and someone spotted me from the ground.

[561] And so the cops came on the roof, and they kicked me out of the dorms.

[562] And I was failing the fuck out of my classes.

[563] And, and then I just got in a van with this dude and, and just took off without even withdrawing.

[564] So, I got, so, so I got, uh, got in a van with this dude.

[565] That never ends well.

[566] But, yeah, so I got, I, I got, I got kicked out, and I dropped out.

[567] Oh my God.

[568] Which I call it overachieving.

[569] That's fucking bad out.

[570] I know, and like, that's the thing, it's like, you know, people were, like, when I was leaving the university in Miami, it's like, well, what are you going to do now?

[571] And I'm like, I'm going to fucking videotape fucked up shit.

[572] And I'm gonna, I'm gonna be - And what year was this?

[573] 93.

[574] So you had this idea in 93.

[575] Oh, yeah.

[576] I was, and even then, I was like, man, like, I had, like, special fucking skills, you know?

[577] Like, I had, I could, like, I was really fucking good at drinking bong water.

[578] Oh, God.

[579] I didn't care how, I didn't care how murky it was or whatever.

[580] Like, mud.

[581] Very few people have ever said, I don't, I didn't care how murky it was.

[582] Like, that sentence.

[583] If you live a whole life.

[584] that never comes out of your mouth you live a good life right and and like I was like you know it was my amy so I was like super into like I was like blow off class and I'd be like practicing jumping on the diving boards at the at the pool and I'm like I'm never going to be a diver but if I jump strictly off of like roofs of like apartment buildings and shit into shallow pools then it's badass so I was like I got pretty good at that oh my god and then like my specialty was like setting myself on fire with like hairspray and rubbing alcohol and so at the point I'm not even like fucking five minutes into the show at this point and then I had to say my specialty was setting myself on fire with hairspray and rubbing alcohol so I'm gonna at that point demonstrate like it's gonna do like do that at a in the theater they let you do that I used to do it in comedy clubs all the time but I kept getting so hurt like I just fucking stop you know like like because what I do is like I'm going to do like kind of a deluxe version for this one like I'm going to start with like a can of hair spray I'm going to like spray my like all the hair on my head like heavily with the hair spray I'm going to climb on top of a of a table on the stage and douse my arm with rubbing alcohol fill my mouth with lamp oil um and then I'm like your butthole anything going in there gypo fluid kerosene now then I'm going to click I'm going to click a lighter and light my arm on fire, like just the rubbing I'll call on my skin.

[585] And a trail will go all the way up to your hair.

[586] Well, like a drop will, like from when I pour it, like on the table there will be a puddle.

[587] And so like a drop will stay on fire probably.

[588] And then so the table will be on fire.

[589] My arm's on fire.

[590] And then like, so I'm going to use my arm as a torch when I do a front flip standing on top of the table.

[591] And simultaneously as I do the front flip, blow a fireball like off of my arm, like, which is a huge with lamp.

[592] lamp oil goes crazy so like the lamp oil and as i'm flipping for like the front flip my head like everything just goes right through the fire so when i crash on the table on my back now my head's on fire and so then i get get up and like kind of like like flail around the stage with my head on fire and my buddy comes running out with a mouthful of lamp oil and he comes around out to me and he uses my head as a torch and just you know blows a fucking huge fireball off of my head and uh and then Then, like, we'll figure out how to put me out, you know?

[593] Then we'll figure it out.

[594] Right, right.

[595] I mean, maybe he'll have, like, a towel or something because I've gotten, like...

[596] A towel?

[597] Yeah.

[598] How about a fireman?

[599] No, I mean, like, I wouldn't do that.

[600] I'll go, like, my goal will be to just use my bare hands.

[601] But the thing is, like, I've done it where I've like...

[602] Oh, no. Oh, fuck, dude, don't...

[603] Don't tell them.

[604] Oh, don't tell them.

[605] Yeah.

[606] Oh, my God.

[607] I didn't think about it.

[608] I mean, I'm like...

[609] You didn't think about it?

[610] on it?

[611] Well, I mean, it's a fucking huge theater.

[612] Like, I thought I didn't it didn't, it didn't occur to me that they would find out that I was going to do it until I already did it.

[613] A million plus people are going to hear this.

[614] Someone's going to tell them.

[615] Well, all right, well, and then fucking I better figure it out.

[616] I guarantee you they have fire codes.

[617] I've done, I've done it in the fucking thousand places.

[618] Have you ever let anybody know beforehand on a podcast?

[619] I feel like a fucking flash back from Calgary coming at it's like all the times you've hit yourself in the head with sodas you've knocked out this pre -planning this is a pre -planning segment of your brain that's just short it out like a bad fuse not we'll figure it out oh yeah no worries like uh maybe we'll have like a bunch of people with the fire extinguishingers yeah we'll let the you would definitely have a bunch of people with fire extinguishes we'll let the we'll let the fucking fire marshal know or whatever do you but like this is so important man I have to do it aren't you scared that like maybe you get really injured and you can't finish I mean like like if you burn your face off one time I like burned my neck really bad and um it hurts but it's not gonna like stop me you know wow like half the rest of your show could be you looking you know like steam coming off your face and your lips all messing if it was you that would be a real problem but if it's him it's like that's part of the fun right right and like it's him being all fucked up yeah i mean i think it's whatever i mean the the crazier the better you know like uh i'm i'm in this to fucking really make an impression and so whatever like it's it's gonna it's gonna go on and there's just gonna be like sort of it's kind of a one -man show but the thing is like i it's also like fully stand -up man i've been on tour doing stand -up for five years now yeah i remember when you first started doing it i was like that's it because you first started doing it like right around the time we were getting sober, right?

[620] I had been sober for like two years when I really dove into it.

[621] And that was...

[622] I wasn't sober yet when I first started.

[623] Oh, you weren't?

[624] Yeah, first time I tried it was 2006.

[625] Oh, okay.

[626] So you took a break and then came back to it?

[627] Yeah, I mean, I just dabbled in it.

[628] I didn't do it heavy until I'd been sober for a couple of years.

[629] But that's pretty much what you do now.

[630] Pretty much, yeah.

[631] Now, is being sober, does that fuck with your ability to do a lot of these crazy stunts?

[632] Well, obviously not.

[633] I would say that, I mean, if you're, like, sober, like, deliberately hurting yourself isn't necessarily easier, but it's, like, I never did that because, you know, because I was wasted.

[634] I didn't do it because I'm an attention whore.

[635] And sober or not, take away the drugs and alcohol, I'm still an attention whore, you know.

[636] But you embrace that?

[637] Fuck, yeah.

[638] Why do you think I have a fucking tattoo of myself on my back?

[639] You know, like, everybody's favorite topic of conversation is, themselves i'm just like i think that's hilarious and i'm cool with admitting it you know but it just seems like if you were fucked up on drugs and you made this career of like getting hammered and going out and doing wild crazy stunts that got you injured and then you cut out the getting fucked up part right but you're still injuring yourself well i mean injuring myself isn't as isn't like isn't as much of it you know i mean sure i'll still do i don't care you know what's the most injured you've ever gotten um I threw myself off of a balcony at the University of Miami after I dropped out, and then I came back and just lived there, even though I wasn't allowed to.

[640] And there was like a keg party, and I was trying to impress this fat chick, and I was on the balcony.

[641] But I had taken too many pills and drank too much booze.

[642] And I'm telling this girl, this was in, I think it was January of 1995, and I'm telling this girl, I said, I'm going to be like a, a few.

[643] fucking super rad stuntman and we're on the second floor balcony i tell her like you know like okay like i'm gonna be like this fucking gnarly stunt man like picture this like imagine like like there's like a fight on the balcony right and like i get punched and i'm like pretending i get punched and i just throw myself off the balcony now i used to throw myself off a balconies all the time but not when i was that fucked up and not when i was trying to pretend that i had been punched and so my whole my whole game plan were like the way I would do it I did it different I didn't catch the bottom with my hand and then let myself go I just spun over the railing and so I spun over the railing I landed on my fucking face on the bottom and I broke I have the cat scans they're so gnarly like I broke my cheekbone I broke 17th I had 10 stitches in my chin a concussion and a broken wrist and that's actually pretty good considering you fell onto what concrete and i was landing that landed there and i was fucking face down from where i from where i needed the 10 stitches i had like a pool of blood like growing i was face down and i'm not even fucking twitching a finger at all i'm just like there's just blood pooling you know and and i'm not moving and everyone's like thinks i'm probably dead but my buddies were like they're like man if he's not dead he's going to need that weed in his pockets i remember i had like i had like i like kind weed you know like like fucking proper good weed in one pocket and like swagweed in the other and and and they uh you know pulled it all pulled it out and and um and in the morning i knew my mom was like i didn't i don't even remember landing like i don't remember anything you know and they called the ambulance whatever and it came and um and then in the morning like i woke up and i was so fucked up it was unbelievable but i knew my mom was on a cruise ship in like the Caribbean.

[644] But I told him, I said, oh, I need to call my mom.

[645] And they said, of course.

[646] But what I did was I called my buddies down at the University of Miami.

[647] I said, hey, I'm going to fucking leave out the fucking emergency room entrance right now.

[648] Come scoop me up.

[649] And so I broke out of the hospital in my gown.

[650] And they came and picked me up.

[651] And I went back to the spot.

[652] And I stood like right over like the pool of blood.

[653] And I tried to pound a beer.

[654] But I couldn't.

[655] Because of it hurt too bad and i couldn't eat or anything and i was like like my sinuses would like fill with blood and then i would like hawk it you hawk a luggy and then spit it out and it was just blood lugies for like two weeks i tried to eat applesauce and i couldn't even fucking eat applesauce because i was so busted up and so the apple sauce a bowl of apple sauce sat next to my bed just with blood lugies in it i just used it as a spitter oh god yeah and i had like i had a I broke my wrist too So I had the cast on my wrist For like whatever you have it on for six weeks And my mom like sort of felt bad for me Because my I broke seven teeth And so my fucking all my front teeth They're all busted out And she knew I was a fuck up You know Which teeth?

[656] Like it was like my front One of my front ones And then there was one that didn't break One on the other side of that one did break So it looked extra bad Oh my God Right And my mom, like, felt bad for me. She, like, sort of had, like, you know, and she felt bad for me. And, you know, she's sort of an enabler, too.

[657] So she set a dentist appointment for me to get my teeth fixed, you know, like, and she was going to pay for it.

[658] And I still got the cast to my wrist.

[659] And the night before the fucking dentist appointment where I'm going to get my teeth fixed is when I get fucking arrested for my first drunk driving, you know.

[660] And, like, and so they fucking take me into my, Miami -Dade fucking county jail, and I'm in the holding cell there, and one of the fucking, like, correctional officers in the jail looks at my fucking cast and says, that cast is a potential weapon, you know?

[661] Like, if I get into a fight in the holding cell, now I'm going to have an unfair advantage because I've got this cast on my arm.

[662] So they're like, you can't be in this fucking holding cell.

[663] you have to go in to this gnarly fucking like uh crazy fucking you know and sell with like all the people who are in here for the longest stretch of time oh god you know and like this the first thing i had to do was go and take a fuck get naked and take a fucking shower in the back of this big cell with all these bunk beds and all these fucking creepy assholes and uh i'm like this sucks man and i was like mom you know like you know i'm in jail you know and she's like she's like What?

[664] You know, like she says, I'm not bailing you out unless you go door to door straight to rehab.

[665] And I'm like, okay.

[666] So I went to rehab like in 1995.

[667] And I remember these fucking guys, like one of the counselors says like, yeah, you know, like 95 % of all alcoholics like die drunk of causes related directly to alcoholism, you know?

[668] Like most people like they don't get sober, you know?

[669] Like, and I'm sitting there thinking, man, This guy's telling me, like, if I'd, like, really wanted to get sober, I got a 5 % chance.

[670] I'm like, fuck that, you know?

[671] So I stayed loaded.

[672] Like, I just resigned myself to being loaded forever, and it wasn't until, like, 13 years later.

[673] I've finally got it.

[674] So him saying that sort of...

[675] Kept me fucking wasted.

[676] But what it did, really, what it did was it just made me not, like, get sober until I was really ready, you know?

[677] What made you really ready?

[678] well i mean fuck i got like knoxville pulled an intervention on me and like uh that's when you know you're fucked up because i know that's one of my oxfell steps in and goes dude that's one of my you're too crazy yeah you know you got a problem when that's your interventionist you know what was going on that he had to step in well i had this like fucking mass mass email thing and i was like broadcasting my downward spiral in like fucking real time to like you know 200 of the most like, you know, influential fucking people in the entertainment industry who's, who had the misfortune of giving me their info, you know, and it was just like more fucked up.

[679] And it's kept getting worse and worse.

[680] And, um, and I got arrested for like, uh, you know, felony cocaine possession.

[681] That was another one of my fucking arrests.

[682] What's felony cocaine possession?

[683] Well, there's no such thing as misdemeanor cocaine possession.

[684] Not even like a little bit.

[685] No, you got a little, it's a felony, yeah.

[686] But I got evicted, I got, you know, arrested, you know, like, this is when I had, like, my neighbor in this apartment building I lived in was always calling the cops because I deserved it.

[687] Like, he was a lawyer, and I'm like an asshole, and I'm always making all this noise.

[688] So the cops were always coming, but typically they would get to my apartment and they'd be stoked.

[689] They'd be like, oh, no way, Steve, cool, man, have a good night.

[690] And so, like, they would take off.

[691] You know, they would, or I would play nights, me like, oh, yeah, I'll be, but this guy's just, fucking, his life was, was misery because of me. But the thing was that, like, because I was such a fucking, you know, loaded asshole with all my fucking drugs and fucking being wasted, I was just became particularly mad at him for always calling the cops on me. So, like, I'd, like, fucking take, like, a baseball bat, like, pound his door or whatever, like, fuck you, call the cops, you know?

[692] like uh and uh and i was like i was in pound i was like you know i was like pounding on the wall that separated our apartments like all the time it's like how do you like that fucker you know how do you like that and i pounded on the wall so hard that i fucking actually pounded a hole through the wall where i'm looking into his apartment wow you know and you can see his apartment you you punched your both sides i punched yeah i was looking into it yeah well i mean you're shitty walls well the thing was was that I pounded enough and then I took a broomstick and fucking just pounded and pounded and pound until I got through, you know?

[693] So now he calls the cops and they actually have to arrest me for, for whatever, fucking vandalism, you know, like it was a misdemeanor, but I've now vandalized his property by pounding through the wall so they come to arrest me. And this time it doesn't matter if they're stoked or whatever.

[694] Like, you know, and I'm so blown out on fucking ketamine and I don't know what's going on and I got fucking bag of cocaine in my pocket and like and I open up the door like I'm shirtless I have no shoes on and a bag of cocaine in my pocket and I'm out of my mind and they're like hey we're taking me into jail because we have to arrest you for for vandalism and like it's going to be cold and so like as a courtesy like you can go in there and put on a shirt and put on some shoes and I'm like fuck a shirt and fuck a shirt So I'm like, meanwhile, that would have been like the perfect opportunity for me to go in, take the bag of cocaine out of my pocket.

[695] And I put on, you know, like it was a perfect opportunity.

[696] But I'm like, fuck that.

[697] You know, so they take me to jail with no shirt, no shoes, and a fucking, and I get rear.

[698] They go through your property, you know, when they process you into jail.

[699] And so they pull out of the bag of cocaine and they re -arrest me at the jail.

[700] Oh, my God.

[701] So I'm in there for like three days or something, and it's on the news, and then the apartment building's fucking over me, even though I rented four apartments in the building.

[702] Why did you rent four?

[703] Because one was a skate park.

[704] One was a skate park.

[705] One was like sort of like my buddy.

[706] my one guy edited my videos and stuff it was kind of an office I had this like assistant chick and it was such a fucking joke I mean her job was just to tell people that she couldn't find me and constantly change my flights because I would always miss my flights you know she was like travel agent at best but I had an apartment for her and then I had my bachelor pets it was four and still the fucking apartment's like get the fuck out When you're renting four apartments and then you still get evicted, like, that's when you know you fucked up.

[707] Well, especially when one of them was a skate park.

[708] Right.

[709] I know, but it was, like, the next to it on one side was a fucking, like, Russian hooker operation.

[710] Oh.

[711] So they weren't complaining.

[712] You know, there.

[713] Dude's coming in to fuck these hookers all day long.

[714] Where did you live?

[715] Specifically.

[716] Right across the street.

[717] Do you get a discount still?

[718] Do you know anybody?

[719] I don't know.

[720] This isn't a long time ago, but it was right across the street from rock and roll ralphs.

[721] Oh, right in the midst.

[722] Yeah, I mean, right on the part of Sunset Boulevard with a lot of huckers.

[723] And the lawyers live in there?

[724] He's probably shady.

[725] Yeah, I guess I mean, I don't know that I ever actually met him.

[726] What?

[727] I mean, yelling like through the door, like whatever, maybe like a son, but I wouldn't have recognized him.

[728] Do you feel like you want to go back and apologize to him?

[729] I tried.

[730] Did you?

[731] I tried.

[732] I actually had his email and, you know, I reached out to him.

[733] And I said, hey, like, you know, it would mean a lot to me if, like, we could meet up and, you know, and he just declined.

[734] So I had to respect that, you know.

[735] But yeah, that was definitely.

[736] But he declined in an email.

[737] He declined.

[738] He declined to, to meet me. So I just sort of, like, when you're in that situation, you want to go through and make things right.

[739] Right.

[740] You had to respect that.

[741] You know, you can't, like, be persistent.

[742] So then, so to make it right to that guy, like, you know, it's called a living amends where it sort of, I'm not going to do that to anybody else.

[743] And this is a part of thing about rehab.

[744] Is this?

[745] like uh yeah i mean it's like yeah of course you know like i mean it's basically a thing about life you know but um but it's something that they ask you to do like when you're you're going through rehab well right it would be considered step nine of the 12 steps you know we made direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others so yeah so that's part of the deal and now i get finally get out of jail and i come back and there's a fucking eviction notice on my on my door you know like get the fuck out within three days.

[746] Oh, actually, there was that, yeah.

[747] I got, and, like, I had all drugs in my apartment.

[748] So, like, I get back and, like, there's the eviction notice, but, like, I just go straight for, like, the vials of ketamine.

[749] I had, like, two or three more vials of ketamine.

[750] I cooked them up in the microwave.

[751] You know, I went digging through.

[752] Cook them up in the micro, how do you, how do you handle ketamine?

[753] Well, you, I mean, it's best.

[754] I never just, like, injected shit.

[755] I just never got that far, but, um, you just cook it in the microwave and it evaporates, like, Maybe water, I don't know, and you're left with, like, the plate, it's, like, crusted to the plate, and then you scrape it up with, like, a card.

[756] And then what do you do with that?

[757] Snort it.

[758] Snort it.

[759] Yeah.

[760] Now, how did you, how did you get started on ketamine?

[761] Because ketamine is, like, a cat drink washing.

[762] I love that.

[763] I love that shit, dude.

[764] Whoa.

[765] Like, I love, dude.

[766] Like, that was my favorite, man. Do you know Neil Brennan?

[767] First time I tried it.

[768] I don't think so.

[769] Neil Brennan, he's a co -creator the Shepel show, stand -up comic.

[770] funny guy he's been taking ketamine treatments for depression oh my god it's one of the more recent one of the more yeah yeah yeah it's one of the more recent treatments for depression why that they've been well because it resets the way you any intense psychedelic experience and ketamine even though it's a tranquilizer is thought of as a pretty intense psychedelic it's basically pharmaceutical PCP really that's how you look at it yeah it's uh it's what it is man really but did you have like out -of -body experiences or any experiences where you felt like you went into another dimension and trip but you know the k -hold experience um some of the experiences i had with ketamine like um per se like uh uh depth perception like way fucking destroyed like some fear and loathen shit you know like you're not like you know about it like i've been i remember like my fucking feet are like 30 feet away it's fucked up i remember one time i was in a in a hotel room in london There's like with just way too much of the shit and like and at one point the whole hotel room just started free falling And I mean I'm in the sky well not like like like like like looking up like rather than like I could actually see like a like kind of an elevator shaft type deal that it was falling through You know like it was just the hotel room started free falling and I'm like just thinking whoa and I remember being so stoked I was thinking I remember thinking Jim Morrison doesn't have shit on me Like, I'm so good at being a drug addict, you know.

[771] Like, uh, or whatever, you know.

[772] But, um, so yeah, I'm cooking up the ketamine and whatever, and I pack.

[773] Is it come, but does it come in a liquid form initially?

[774] It comes in a vial.

[775] So it's initially a vial where you would stick a needle and it's a shoot into a cat, usually.

[776] Sure.

[777] It's like cat toy cloister.

[778] I think horse as much.

[779] Horse?

[780] Uh -huh.

[781] I mean, PCB started out as an anesthetic.

[782] Like, uh, that was the idea for it.

[783] But yeah, within like two hours.

[784] of being of walking out of jail i i have my buddy videotaping me i'm i'm jumping up and down on the roof of a parked car screaming god is the sun whatever that means you know like and like and like this you so profound and like i've got it figured out man you're the sun you like you need the sun for plans, dude.

[785] And, like, this squad of, like, security guards, like, comes over and, like, you know, what's going on, you know, like, I mean, it's amazing that I didn't go right back into jail for another, I have pockets full of drugs, you know?

[786] And so then, but, I mean, and I did, that bender lasted for, I don't know, like, maybe 24 hours.

[787] And now, I'm, I've got, you know, my three days is, is, like, you know, I've got one more day, I've got to be out of the apartment.

[788] So I send to the mass email list I say, hey, you know, like, and with all the jackass guys on it, but of course, 200, like, high power people in Hollywood need to know this, that, like, hey, Knoxville and guys, you know, I've got to be out of my apartment tomorrow, and I'm not fucking leaving my apartment, I don't want to fucking leave here until I jump out of my bedroom window, you know, which will be like a 25 -foot drop onto the sidewalk, and I need you guys to bring something for me to land on, I wanted to put a hot tub, like, put a hot tub and cannonball into it out of my bedroom window.

[789] And in my sliding glass door in the living room, I could pull it open, and I wanted to put a, like, a ramp in the living room and ride a motorcycle, like, off the ramp through the sliding glass door and jump onto the roof of the gentleman.

[790] Did you imagine if you own an apartment building?

[791] Jesus.

[792] And this motherfucker runs a spot -hair.

[793] Knox makes fun of me about the sliding glass door, then because he's like, just like a three -foot gap to the building next door.

[794] like that part was a gimmie you know but uh so I said like Knox you guys come over bring a fucking camera this is we're gonna fucking start filming like jackass three and like uh you know get over here come on man before I leave we're gonna do my eviction party stunts and uh and so basically I scheduled my own intervention you know Knoxill reached out to Dr. Drew who was on the list the email list he's like hey Steveo's like about to die and Dr. Drew said yeah you're right you know he said get over there and fucking, if you got to tie them up, put them in the trunk, like, take them to the hospital.

[795] Oh, and the other part, I said, if you don't bring anything for me to land on, I'm fucking jumping anyway, I promise, I'm ready to die.

[796] So they printed that up.

[797] It was like me threatening my own life, which qualified me for the 5150 law where you can lock someone into a psychiatric ward.

[798] Wow.

[799] So they came over for my intervention, and, like, they're like, it wasn't like the kind of intervention where like where they ask if you're willing to accept help you know it's like like we're taking you to the psych ward this is what's going to happen if you don't like you we're going to kick your ass and take you anyway so they take me to the psych ward for like the 72 hour hold which is like you know everybody's been on that you know like Britney Spears are like you know the whole deal but the thing was when we got there I was like spitting on people I was just like not fucking cool and like I was trying to like throw shit around and you know like I remember because I thought I was going to, like, calmly explain that it was misunderstanding and be out of there.

[800] But, like, what happened was, they had the emails printed out where I'm, like, saying I'm ready to die, you know.

[801] And so, like, they had me. I wasn't talking my way out of it.

[802] Once I realized I wasn't getting out of it, then I'm like, fuck, you know, like, go to take a chair and throw it.

[803] And, like, I get fucking tackled by, like, these orderly dudes, you know.

[804] And they slam me onto this fucking, like, stretch her, like, bed thing with strapped.

[805] on it and like someone jabs a needle in my butt cheek and then i just straight took a nap like that thor is eating shit man like it's gnarly man so they just held you down and whacked you with that stuff yeah they just held me down and fucking jammed to my butt cheek and i was out dude and then i woke up for my nap and and uh i'm in it was so funny too because it was at cedar sinai the thallions you know like uh i what's that mean thalians was just the the mental health like division or whatever so like they have um they've got they had two wings of the of the psych ward there like one like they've got the standard issue harmful to yourself or others you know like committed for the involuntary psychiatric hold then they've got the something else like the extraordinarily you know like uh the extraordinarily qualifying individuals you know and that's you the something else wing yeah so they had me on the something else wing and like whoa yeah and like my roommate was like fucking like like like hiding in the closet from like fucking demons oh dude it was I mean I I would been hearing voices for like a couple years you know like but nothing like this guy what the voices say oh dude they're the best no dude I take two of yourself on your back angels and demons, you know?

[806] Like, some of them would tell me, like, you're worthless as you need to die, and I would be, like, trying to suffocate myself to death, you know?

[807] Really?

[808] Well, yeah, I mean, not, like, with anything.

[809] I'm just holding my breath.

[810] There was a game.

[811] Well, no, that was, like, uh...

[812] I want to die.

[813] Well, right, right.

[814] So you're right.

[815] But that was, the whole thing was I was hearing voices because I was huffing so much nitrous oxide.

[816] And, like, while, um...

[817] While you're doing ketamine?

[818] While I was doing cocaine.

[819] I never...

[820] this joint, just fucking relax.

[821] I'm not going to have I can't with you in the room, right?

[822] I know.

[823] You make me feel so much better about myself.

[824] That's what I I used to watch, I used to watch intervention so that I could feel better about myself.

[825] I'm worried about your health more than I'm worried about, like, you overdosing.

[826] I'm worried you're over, it's a slow deterioration of your fiber.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Like the stuff that keeps you together.

[829] You're talking to me or?

[830] Brian.

[831] Ryan.

[832] I'm fine.

[833] mine now.

[834] I feel great now.

[835] I feel like I just worked out after talking to Steve.

[836] You just had some woodgrass juice in a yoga class.

[837] Yeah, I mean, but whatever.

[838] Like, they said, so now I'm in something else for it.

[839] Like, people are, like, not people.

[840] One guy.

[841] I remember one guy, like, shit on the fucking ground and was, like, breakdancing in it.

[842] Like, trying to, like.

[843] I mean, it sounds like I'm making it up.

[844] I swear I'm not, dude.

[845] His goal was to, like, smear it around.

[846] and spread it around as much as he could.

[847] And this is in the room with you?

[848] No, no, that was in the hallway.

[849] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[850] That was in the hallway.

[851] It was another dude.

[852] It's break dancing on his own shit.

[853] I mean, it looked like he was break dancing, but he was like he took his shit and he was trying to smear it around as much as he could.

[854] And so it just looked like he was break dancing.

[855] Oh, my God.

[856] And they had me in there, and because I was so, because I was so belligerent.

[857] I was so belligerent.

[858] They changed my status from 5150 to 5250, which meant they, like, like, 5150 is three days.

[859] 5250 is two weeks.

[860] So they had me for two weeks.

[861] And, like, after, like, four days, then they moved me over to the regular psych ward.

[862] And, like, I was in there.

[863] And this guy who is, like, a fucking, he says he's a heroin addict and he's a patient.

[864] And, like, he's got this book about alcoholism.

[865] And he's like, dude.

[866] you really like this book can really help you like you need this book and I'm like why is a fucking heroin addict giving me a book about alcoholism when we're both like on suicide watching a psych ward like what's the deal and I was like at the point I was like I'm like dude I can't I can't get sober I couldn't you know I was I honestly felt like like not even felt like I mean like just core belief you know that like if I could have ever gotten sober like I was past that point.

[867] I was too far down the line.

[868] I was a write -off, a lost cause.

[869] And like, so I just, you know, like, from when the fucking first time I was in rehab, you know, like, there's no chance.

[870] And so, like, one night, like, I couldn't sleep, and I, like, just open this fucking stupid book.

[871] Like, not to find a solution, but straight up to kill time.

[872] You know, that's all I'm trying to do.

[873] And I'm reading it, and it's talking about, like, you know, like, hopeless alcoholics, determined to die, and this and that, and then, like, they become, like, you know, You know, they get better or whatever, you know, they become, like, the finest men you could meet.

[874] And I'm like, just remember reading and thinking, like, dude, what it's saying is, like, that the more hopeless, the more fucked up you are, the better the chance is for recovery, which is actually really?

[875] Fully.

[876] Why is that?

[877] Because if you have, like, any inkling, like, that, like, you can manage it, that you could get better, that you could stop on your own, then you're just straight up not a candidate.

[878] Oh, so that's the rock bottom theory?

[879] Pretty much.

[880] And it's, it's true.

[881] Like, if you feel like you got it or it's not that big of a deal, because, like, you have - Right, right.

[882] That's Brian, he's fucked.

[883] I mean, like, step one, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, you know, or drugs or whatever the case may be.

[884] Like, like, and that, like, that I successfully did, you know, like, I can't do it.

[885] I'm fucking powerless.

[886] And so that's, like, the first step.

[887] That's, like, the prerequisite.

[888] And so it's like, I don't know.

[889] And then these guys come in and talk about alcoholism, and I wouldn't have fucking ever listened to a word they said.

[890] but they like you know but I was locked up in a psych ward and so I did and I'm like you know thinking there's nothing I could do about it but they told their stories and how they lived and I'm like oh well these guys can do it you know and so I was just like my life is a fucking mess I was in the psych ward long enough to be like okay my life's a fucking mess it's time and I went to rehab and you know like and so you've been clean from then on seven and a half years just from that moment on from the from that moment on wow and has there been any moments where you're telling you're telling you've been any moments where you're tempted to go off the wagon?

[891] Yeah, I mean, sure, but, like, not, like, I went from there, like, door to door into, like, a rehab, you know.

[892] And I remember, like, because I knew from the fucking back in the day, like, the whole 95 % of alcoholics don't get sober, like, the guy who was in charge of the rehab.

[893] And back then, it was Dr. Drew.

[894] Like, he was the chemical dependency director of this hospital in Pasadena.

[895] And, and I was like...

[896] It's a nice place to go, Pasadena.

[897] Yeah.

[898] Yeah, and I told Drew, I said, hey, man, you know, I'm like, right out of fresh out of the psych ward, like, you know, and I'm like, if I was such a fucking character, I was like, and I'm like, dude, I know that, like, I know that, you know, the odds are odd in my fucking favor.

[899] I know, like, I don't want to waste my time, if I'm going to do this, I want to get it right.

[900] So I told Drew, however long you recommend that I, you know, that I stay here, I want to stay significantly longer because I want to give myself, like, you know, I want to give myself an advantage.

[901] He said that's great you know but like don't stay here more than 30 days if you're really serious go into like a sober living you know like a halfway house kind of a deal and and so i did man i did everything those fucking people told me i did like uh all the fucking recovery shit that they talk about i did it all and i went to that fucking sober living and i stayed there until i had two two full years of sobriety i was feeling you were you stayed in sober living for two years well i was bouncing around treatment um like uh for six months you know because I was having a tough time with it I just stayed in fucking treatment you know when you say bouncing around treatment well I did 30 days there then I went into like a sober living that doubled it was like it was like sort of mid -level care so like I was free to go at night as long as I was home by curfew but all day long night we had all of our little groups and like like you know structured rehab activities how much does all this shit cost it's got to be stupid expensive it was stupid like the 30 days was like 100 grand oh my god what the the fuck and i didn't even necessarily know that so how did you pay for all this i paid for it with my own money oh my god so you're just burning through your savings while you're in there burning through savings yeah oh my god so six months it's better than the fucking three hundred thousand dollars i spent on fucking suing like my these fucking people i knew i was going to get nothing out of you spent 300 grand suing people that you knew you were going to get nothing out of right i got like my back cat like these guys that i had a like distribution deal with I got my back catalog of DVDs, but whatever.

[902] That's not worth anything anymore.

[903] It was just a straight resentment fucking I spent three.

[904] I just wanted to fuck their lives up.

[905] Yeah, I know that.

[906] And I did it, but it cost me $300 ,000.

[907] Rehab was a better investment.

[908] Yeah.

[909] So while you're in there, are you working?

[910] Hell no. Nothing.

[911] I had fucking burned all my bridges, man, you know?

[912] Like, I mean, we weren't doing anything with jackass.

[913] And, like, anything else I had going on, like, I had a TV show, which was really, like, did well in the ratings.

[914] but I was such a fucking nightmare that they canceled it just on the grounds that they did not want to fuck with me. Wow.

[915] I had the spot right after Monday Night Raw, the wrestling on the USA Network.

[916] Wow.

[917] I came on immediately after, and I kept like a fucking whopping percentage of their viewership.

[918] What was the name of the show?

[919] Dr. Stevo.

[920] I went around in a fucking modified ambulance with a hot chick and a fucking 365 -pound black, like football player driver dude just trying to de -whisify America one wussy at a time you know what are you trying to get them to do I would accept like in submissions where people would be like Dr. Stevo I need your help like I'm a wussy like this is my unique case and I would prescribe for them some kind of like outrageous like jackass bullshit to make them come out of their shell or like it was good man like I did a great job problem was as soon as the camera stopped rolling I fell off of the radar except for my like it was with Biedem and Murray the production company like I had started like openly attacking like John Murray why on my for 200 people because he wasn't like pay somebody one of my buddies something I wanted them to get paid for which they weren't obligated to fucking pay in the first place but I'm trying to ruin his reputation with like all these you know on my fucking crazy email list and that was what killed the show despite the fact that it was like number one in its fucking time slot oh my god so i didn't have that fucking to to get to distract me from my recovery so you are doing you're just doing nothing but recovery i'm doing nothing so how do you spend your days like when you're doing that um well i mean when you're in rehab rehab like you got like fucking structured shit all day long like what what does that mean like what do you do I mean like different kind of groups like they take you out to various kinds of meetings you know like um you got like fucking like little therapy bits like uh you know whatever it's basically like summer camp it's just everything is geared towards teaching how to stay sober all day long yeah well how much can they teach you about staying so i'm confused there's like uh there's there's a lot and i mean a lot of it's redundant but yeah but it means going on for two years Oh, no, no, this is, I'm talking about the first 30 days.

[921] I'm talking about the first 30 days.

[922] So the first 30 days is like teaching you, like coping mechanisms, like what to do.

[923] Yeah, and mostly just sort of keeping, like, in a safe environment is really what it is.

[924] You're keeping you occupied and drilling it into your head that you can do this and...

[925] Right, and like, 30 days isn't going to do shit for anybody because it's such a slow process, you know?

[926] But, like, it was great for me to stay and sort of in that environment for two years because, Because, you know, then I'm an, like, undisciplined motherfucker, you know?

[927] By the end of it, I was so, like, used to, like, being up by 9 a .m. With my bed made, like, pissing into fucking plastic cups, like, at random, you know, twice a week.

[928] Like, scrubbing the toilet when it's my turn to scrub the toilet, you know, like, keeping everything, you know.

[929] And I did that.

[930] And I'm filming Jackass 3D.

[931] I'm like, oh, yeah.

[932] Like, I got to go fucking get launched into the fucking sky and I'm poured a potty full of dog shit, you know?

[933] I might be a little bit late for curfew tonight, you know, like, or whatever, you know, like, and I had this.

[934] What's curfew?

[935] What time?

[936] On the weekdays, it was 10, and then on the weekends, it was 11 or 12.

[937] What?

[938] Or maybe no, I think it was 11 on the weekdays and 12 on the weekends.

[939] I think it's hilarious that after a certain time of night, like, they think you're just going to get wacky.

[940] Well, I mean, whatever.

[941] Can't stay up.

[942] You can't go to a diner.

[943] what dude it saved my life man it fucking saved my life big time and I'm so fucking stoked about it so just the the the schedule the rigid schedule the routine yeah the structure man the structure did you enjoy it in there did you have fun do you meet nice people I mean I remember it pretty well my roommate was cool and like he snored which was like the fucking greatest thing ever because I knew when it was cool to jack off you know you know it's like the sweet sounds of snoring you know because it's like awkward jacking up with the guy in the room but if he's snoring it's totally cool right yeah and so that helped a lot me mom the dude's fake snoring with one eye open watching you beat off and he's joining him um in the middle of you jerking off you hearing him moaning like uh I mean that helped a lot.

[944] If he, if he didn't snore, I would have a tougher time.

[945] So, are you allowed to have relationships were in there?

[946] Are you supposed to, like, stare clear of anything that can sort of distract you?

[947] I mean, there's no, like, hard and fast rule about that.

[948] Like, they say, like, avoid getting in a relationship in your first year.

[949] I got into a...

[950] Your first year?

[951] Yeah, I got into a relationship.

[952] I mean, I, like...

[953] What if you find, like, the perfect girl?

[954] Yeah, I mean, it happens.

[955] Sorry, bitch.

[956] Working on my sobriety.

[957] Right, it happens, you know?

[958] But, like, there's just not like you know like relationships gone sideways is like the number one fucking thing that makes people get loaded oh right that makes sense yeah so it's good to like kind of like like you know just worry about you know your sobriety but i had seven months and i got in a relationship with the chick who had like one year and it was cool you know like we were like last for like 10 months so when you're in there you're in there for 30 days this is the hardcore version and then you go from the 30 days to like a living situation and now how is that like a house like how's that work uh it was like an apartment complex that point so it's an apartment you got your own apartment then yeah but i had no skate park no no skate park yeah like that that was my thing i was like man i used to have fucking four apartments in one building now i got four dudes in one apartment so you had to live with other people in your apartment i had a roommate and you know there's two Two -bedroom apartment and two guys in each room.

[959] What?

[960] Yeah, and that was the deal.

[961] Why is that the deal?

[962] Because they want to make sure you're not alone by yourself or you can do devious shit.

[963] I guess, I mean, like, perhaps, you know, I guess that's kind of the deal.

[964] But, like, now what happened there, like, and we would have groups from, like, you know, eight or nine in the morning until two in the afternoon, and then you're free to go.

[965] And I would be, like, skateboarding or whatever, like, trying to film some wacky shit or whatever.

[966] you know like uh i didn't do like much like in a professional sense um and i was working with uh you know i was working on all this like 12 step shit you know so like i get like uh you know we do like the the searching and fearless moral inventory where like we go through like you know basically like what have we done that like that we feel like we make a list of resentments we make a list of fears and we make a list of shit we feel guilty about it's basically how it works And, like, you know, I started off with just the shit I felt guilty about.

[967] And I'm like, oh, like, I just basically wrote a list of, like, the shit that I felt, like, you know, the most terrible about.

[968] And when I went through it, like, and this is, like, totally, if anyone's in recovery, like, avoid, like, making this mistake.

[969] I treated it like I was just, like, you know, putting myself on trial for being a bad person.

[970] And, like, you know, the whole point is just to figure out, like, what, and you take an inventory and, like, you discard what's not helpful, and you keep what.

[971] it is you know you just discontinued shit that doesn't serve you but i'm like no i'm a terrible person i did this and this and this and then i'm like oh fuck you know and and like i was just god like went into like a gnarly depression and felt like i'd fucking i don't deserve to live you know like whatever and like i fucking checked myself into psych word number two you know while you were in recovery yeah i had like because you were going over i had like three months of sobriety and And I went to one of my meetings, and I was like, I was like, all the work I'm putting into my fucking recovery, all I feel like I'm getting out of it is self -hatred.

[972] I feel like I just can't forgive myself for the shit I've done.

[973] I fucking hate myself.

[974] And, you know.

[975] And this all came about from just doing an inventory on your past.

[976] Pretty much, yeah.

[977] I just had, like, and it says, you know, in some of the literature, man, it says that, like, you know, the inventory process will, like, you know, bring about, like, self -loathing for a lot of people.

[978] when we take an honest look at like the fucking pieces of shit that we became like that's like a not an uncommon side effect you know like but so what what sort of tools they give you to to look at your past but not not be angry at yourself not judge yourself well i mean i i don't know like like when i'm helping guys get sober i try and tell them look man this isn't a process of putting you on trial man this is just fucking figuring out what to stop doing you know and that's the best thing i can say but but i'm about it but when I was in that second psych ward like uh you know I was like I wrote I wrote some letters to people who have felt the most fucked up about what I'd done you know and like and it actually kind of turned around where I was like you know I was like today I'm fucking so thankful for the shit that I did that I felt that bad about because like no longer is it like oh I don't deserve to live because I did that like for me today it's like I'm fucking desperate to not be that fucking asshole anymore, you know, and so it turned into, you know, and like, when I first went in, I was like, kind of thought, like, man, this is going to be my new thing, I'm going to get sober, and, like, you know, I'm going to be, like, you know, the world's going to kind of owe me, I'm going to revive my career a little bit, but once I got through that point of, like, you know, like, sort of the fucking, you know, the dust settling and me being able to, me being confronted with what I had turned into, then it wasn't even about, what can I get out of it you know it was just about I don't want to be that fucking guy anymore and so I came out of that second rehab or that second psych ward and I was so desperate to not be that fucking piece of shit anymore and I was like dude I'm starting over and I went into the fucking like I went into another rehab like the fucking like the hardcore you know and I was just like I'm doing this to be I like had my priorities straight you know and then I was there for 60 days and I said by the time I finished that it was six months And then I went into, like, the regular sober living.

[979] So there's a lot of fucking money you're spending here.

[980] Yeah, the last rehab was $7 ,500 per month.

[981] So at least, but yeah, fucking, it was like $30 ,000 that second rehab.

[982] I don't know the second psych ward.

[983] I spent a lot of money on it, man, fucking whatever.

[984] What are the guys that you were in the apartment with?

[985] What did those guys do for a living that they can afford to live in this shack?

[986] I paid the rent, and I paid them each, like, $1 ,000 a month.

[987] To do nothing.

[988] Why'd you pay him money for what?

[989] Well, one guy was just said that he was on call to edit, whatever footage, like that, you know, that I wanted edited, you know, like to help me broadcast my downward spiral, basically.

[990] You know, like, I put some really upsetting videos up there.

[991] So the people that you were living in the assisted situation, like this is post the major rehab, right?

[992] You're in the major rehab for 30 days.

[993] And then you're in the apartment.

[994] Right.

[995] I mean, there's different levels of rehab, but yeah, like, yeah, and I wound up, like, back and, yeah, I mean, it was in the whole deal.

[996] At one point I was in a house for a while, and sharing a bedroom with the guy who snored, and, you know, and, you know, at the end, I was in the apartment, but it was all the same deal.

[997] And what did these guys do for living that they could afford to, like, take all this time off of life, too?

[998] The sober living situation was, like, you know, like, that was, like, $1 ,000 a month.

[999] And that, you know, covers, like, your meals as well.

[1000] Oh, okay.

[1001] So it's kind of more cost -effective than if you're going to try and find an apartment or anything like that.

[1002] And in the sober living situation, it's like these guys work during the day and they would come there and stay with you?

[1003] Yeah, if you don't work, you have to do a certain number of hours of service work.

[1004] So I would volunteer at a nursing home.

[1005] Whoa.

[1006] Yeah.

[1007] It was dope, man. Like, I would just go, I'd go fucking hang out with old people and play.

[1008] I'd call the bingo numbers.

[1009] Yeah.

[1010] And then I would like go and fucking film a movie for Paramount.

[1011] I'd be like, oh, hey, guys, I'm not going to be able to call bingo tomorrow because I'm going to be like drinking a fat guy's sweat.

[1012] So when did it feel like you were free of the monkey?

[1013] You know, when was the monkey off your back?

[1014] You never free of the monkey?

[1015] Never.

[1016] Never.

[1017] Like right now, you're not free.

[1018] I mean, whatever, like I just have, like, a way that I live my life, you know, that I still stay connected.

[1019] It's like a fridge, man, you know?

[1020] Like, if you unplug the fridge, then everything and it's going to go rotten, you know?

[1021] Like, you got to fucking stay plugged in, which means that, like, these things that we do to stay sober, like, you just fucking keep doing.

[1022] Like, what kind of things?

[1023] Well, like, helping other people stay sober is, like, the biggest thing, you know?

[1024] Yeah.

[1025] Like, you know, you help, you take people through their 12 steps and who are these people that you take through and do you know them I mean whatever like you meet them sort of in the community you know like they'll ask you like will you be my sponsor and so when you have a sponsor they call you up in the middle of the night hey I'm thinking about doing heroin like that kind of thing talk them down that that that is the idea it's better to call before you do it than after right because there's no point in talking to a loaded dude and how often do you do this like how often you work with people uh I mean it depends Like, most guys, like, aren't, like, that active where they actually really call a lot.

[1026] But, like, you know, I'm always starting a guy, you know.

[1027] There's always guys, I'm starting off.

[1028] Really?

[1029] And just very few of them stick with it where they get.

[1030] Like, the guys that have taken all the way through the steps, there's been two.

[1031] Two out of how many?

[1032] Oh, my God.

[1033] Out of it, well over 100.

[1034] So, out of 100 people, two of them have become totally sober.

[1035] I mean, they've been, like, to say, totally sober.

[1036] I mean, you're totally sober as long as you're not loaded.

[1037] Right, they made me totally sober like you are right now.

[1038] Like, you're not doing any drugs, you have no plan.

[1039] And one guy got all the way through the steps, but then he's drinking again, so, you know, I got one guy that's been all the way through the steps that's still in.

[1040] Now, you think, you're one of those people who thinks that if you were a junkie, that you have to be sober forever.

[1041] like you can't you can't go back to like say if you had a heroin problem you can't drink say once you become a pickle you never go back to being a cucumber so yeah like like uh like there's no if i pick up a drink or drug i'm fucked if i decided i'll pick up exactly where i left off but i know people and then all i want is like to make sure i'm doing enough drugs that people are walking around my fucking apartment in my house who are not actually there but i know people that used to be like heroin addicts that can have beer they can smoke a little weed they can get away with it man then then power to him that's dangerous to even try you know why is it dangerous though i mean if they're if they're free of it like okay here's a perfect example anthony bourdain he was a heroin addict he was a junkie full on he still likes to have a beer he likes to drink doesn't drink at home perry farrell i think is like that you know you can't have heroin and but he drinks wine or whatever hey man power to him but uh but for you it's not just doesn't work i come from long line alcoholics man like the way that my family is structured or my my lineage like dad was like a broke the mold of his family dad comes from a line of of like academics like PhDs scholars theologians zoologists like and he broke the mold of his family by becoming a businessman and a super successful one at that.

[1042] Mom's side of the family, everybody is alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, suicide.

[1043] How'd your mom and dad meet?

[1044] Partying.

[1045] She was super hot, you know?

[1046] But yeah, so, like, everybody in my mom's side of the family is either dead or dying from alcoholism.

[1047] I would say, I mean, my cousins, I guess, I don't know, my one cousin's a mortician.

[1048] Whoa.

[1049] Yeah, I went to clown college.

[1050] itself.

[1051] I went to clown college.

[1052] He went to mortician school.

[1053] At the same time.

[1054] What's clown college?

[1055] Ringling Brothers and Barnland Bailey Clown College.

[1056] For real?

[1057] What do you do?

[1058] This is an exploding shoe.

[1059] Well, like, when I said, I left the University of Miami, I wanted to become a crazy stunt man. Right.

[1060] And all I really accomplished, like, with that, you know, even with all my crazy skills with drinking bong water, like, I couldn't get a job.

[1061] And so I was just like homeless for three years, just getting arrested and fucking hospitalized.

[1062] You were homeless for three years?

[1063] Well, I was couch surfing for three years.

[1064] I had the government test money or to try to test drugs on me for money.

[1065] What?

[1066] Yeah, like and I mean, they do medical studies for like, uh, they'd be medical studies for whatever, you know?

[1067] Like, if it's going to come in contact with the human body, like if it's a toothpaste or something, they got to do a medical study.

[1068] But if it's a toothpaste, then you're not going to get paid shit.

[1069] If it's fucking drugs for pigs and cows, then you're going to get, like, Based on how dangerous the study is, the more money you get.

[1070] And so I signed up to have drugs for pigs and cows touching on me, which I recently found out the drug was banned.

[1071] Jesus fucking Christ, dude.

[1072] Yeah, because, like, this was in, like, 19, in January of 94.

[1073] You're like a house that you, like, you get to the back, like, well, that's the last door.

[1074] Hold on.

[1075] What's that over there?

[1076] Open that.

[1077] Oh, geez, there's a whole other house in here.

[1078] yeah it was like they they they want like the you know 1994 like whatever the january of 94 and they they wanted to to pass this drug uh through the FDA called rectopamine hydrochloride and the goal of that they didn't know much about it except they knew that it would make the cattle like uh more lean like uh it would like increase the muscle mass decrease the fat so and but it would work the opposite way of steroids somehow And, like, it was so that they could appeal to a more kind of health -conscious market.

[1079] They could sell, like, leaner meat, you know, less fat.

[1080] But the thing is that if it's going to become legal, then, like, by the virtue of the fact that when people eat the meat, they're going to get, like, a minute trace of this drug in the, you know, the meat.

[1081] Now they have to not only test the drug on people, but they have to test, like, how much can the people withstand a drug?

[1082] So, like, they knew, they knew, they knew that it was terrifying.

[1083] They knew that it was going to, like, increase our heart rates, like, you know, and so what they, the target for the study was to give it to us until somebody in the study had their resting heart rate, like, laying down resting of, like, 150 beats a minute.

[1084] Like, and it turned out that I had, like, the fucking most badass heart in the study.

[1085] Like, like, the only time I went over 100 was when the guy, like, monitoring my heart with, like, the ultrasound thing.

[1086] you know like uh they show the baby on the screen like uh he was like telling me stories about like killing people in vietnam or some shit what yeah it was like some like uh you know yeah it was like telling me like war stories and that got my heart like uh you know normally like what kind of stories was he telling me he was in the war and he killed people and i was like he's telling you while he's doing an ultrasound of your heart yeah i can kill you right now and the same guy the same guy when he was looking at it showed like your blood like going in your heart like uh red and coming out of your heart blue like on the screen it was really fucking cool and uh and i just had like a strong heart you know he's like he said man what a squeeze you know like you know like uh what a squeeze so it's just gone through a lot i got i got two thousand bucks yeah and i was i was homeless anyway so like they gave you two thousand dude i did that in austin texas too oh yeah that was in Austin, Texas at this place called Pharmaco LSR.

[1087] True.

[1088] You know, I told you I got in the van with that guy, and we drove out to Northern California to Lake Tahoe to try and get jobs washing dishes at Squaw Valley to get free snowboard passes.

[1089] But it wasn't snowing, so then we went to fucking Colorado, and I got a job, like, cleaning a meat room at a supermarket, and that sucked.

[1090] So I got one with this other dude and drove to Austin, Texas, and slept on a roof until we got into the medical study, and then we left with two grand.

[1091] And we were stoked.

[1092] And then, like, you know, I wound up, like, getting a car and following the Grateful Dead and selling drugs.

[1093] Jesus, close.

[1094] And I was homeless for, like, three years.

[1095] And, like, periodically I'd get my hands on cameras and do really fucked up shit.

[1096] And, you know, I was getting video footage.

[1097] But, like, ultimately, like, you know, I just fucking was really bummed, dude.

[1098] It wasn't, like, after three years, I couldn't take anymore.

[1099] And I reached out to my sister.

[1100] And she let me move in with her in Albuquerque.

[1101] And I was, like, I would eat all her food.

[1102] and I wouldn't fucking work and I had no money and if I did have money I was loaded and I was loud and I was, you know so when my sister found out about wringling brothers in Barnum and Billy Clown College she's like dude this could be the way to get my brother the fuck out of my house like so like she told me about it like I got home and she's like how are you getting to Denver by Monday and I hitchhiked from Albuquerque to Denver and I got there in two rides and just fucking went ape shit have you written a book uh huh okay is this all in the book totally dude my book my book's like it barely made the new york times bestseller list but that's because you didn't come on here first probably yeah dude if people had heard these fucking stories and knew that they were in the book oh my god it barely made the best new york times bestseller list but like what i'm most proud of my book is my masterpiece man like um on amazon it's got like the the the cumulative of average rating is a full five out of five stars there's no fucking partial stars even people who hate me and want to hate my book, give it a fucking five -star.

[1103] Did you write it yourself?

[1104] I worked with a writer on it, but I don't think anybody has, like, been more involved in the collaboration.

[1105] Like, we bounced out of that shit back and forth and, like, dude, I would never use that word.

[1106] You know, like, I worked my dick off on that fucking book.

[1107] Your story's fucking insane.

[1108] It's like it just has layers upon layers upon layers.

[1109] Well, thanks, man. You know, and that's kind of like what's dope about the fucking, like, the comedy show, man. Like, really bummed to, like, to retire, like, my shit, you know?

[1110] How you're retiring it?

[1111] What do you mean?

[1112] Well, you know, like, you retire material once the fucking special comes down.

[1113] Yeah, we make new stuff.

[1114] Of course.

[1115] Yeah, please.

[1116] It's a good opportunity for growth.

[1117] Right.

[1118] You want to be a comedy factory, not a comedy warehouse.

[1119] That's one way to look at it.

[1120] Yeah, that's the only way to look at it.

[1121] Well, your comedy should kind of represent who you are right now.

[1122] Well, yeah, and that's what...

[1123] If you're doing comedy for 20 years ago, it doesn't really represent who you are right now.

[1124] Right, of course.

[1125] And, like, the whole, like, I don't fucking...

[1126] Like, I told you, it's like the history is, like, super condensed, you know, like, you know, so that it's, like, funny.

[1127] And with the story points, like, on story points I have, like, when I say, like, about how I graduated from Ringling Brothers in Barnumabilly Clown College, but, like, I wasn't one of the clowns who got fucking contract with the circus.

[1128] So I had to, like, borrow money to get a fucking Greyhound bus back to Alpacurkey, New Mexico, where I hung my fancy clown costume in the fucking closet and sold shitty weed, And the bags of fucking wheat I sold Did not weigh anywhere near what they were supposed to weigh But in my life fucking sucked really bad But after I got done ripping you off Like at least I would show you like a fucking epic Unbelievable cool trick Like this one And then like on that point Like we'll fucking bring the thing Like the table out And I'm going to fucking show you the most incredible bar trick ever So when did you when did you put this book out?

[1129] 2011 Did you go on the full tour?

[1130] Do all these?

[1131] radio shows and i mean i did like radio tour like uh i went on howard stern like uh well see that must have helped right yeah i mean it didn't do like terrible you know but it's i feel like um you need like a platform where you could just talk for hours and hours and hours right it'd be cool if i had like a podcast too i just like that's what i'm saying right i'm everybody's tired of me going dude you should have a podcast right but that's like i should sell a t -shirt that says dude you should have a podcast right because i've said it to so many people but Does anybody that you have a podcast Unfortunately like a lot of those fucking people Took you up on it Not every podcast Just the Joe Rogan experience dude You know Like it's the most fucking annoying question ever Like hey will you do my podcast You know When you get cornered by your buddy And like yeah There's some people Yeah They're not But it's one of those things We've got to kind of work at it It doesn't seem like you have to work on it Like stand up Standup is sort of the same way Of course We were doing Kill Tony last night.

[1132] It's one of the things I wanted to tell people.

[1133] Like, it seems like it's just you talking.

[1134] But you have to figure out how people are perceiving you.

[1135] For sure.

[1136] And that's a big part of doing a podcast, too.

[1137] But you would be really good at it.

[1138] You really would.

[1139] I think it would be good, man. If you just did, like, one a week, it would take you a year or two to run out of stories.

[1140] I mean, not even necessarily.

[1141] Like, who knows if, like, if you're going to tell stories about shit that happened or what's going on?

[1142] Yeah, I mean, of course, dude.

[1143] do you have like a guy that you could do it with we could bounce shit off them do you have a good buddy that you've thought about like uh vibe well with i've thought about doing it you know there's this fucking platform this uh this um what i'm call it uh it's called you now one of these streaming things like periscope or mirror cat but like but the fucking dude this is so crazy like you now and like everybody who is a user of this platform like uh like it has an account that they like put money into and so the way it works is like while you're streaming like your questions show up and they want you to answer their questions so they'll like they have like different denominations of like money that they like give you like you're a camgirl now now it's essentially the same my agents my agents like bullied me into doing it and I tried it right and I just sat there like just telling stories to like the fans that were on the fucking watching and like by the end i was on there for like 39 minutes and then i i fucking ended the stream and it's like you just made one thousand dollars what i feel like a i felt like a fucking panhandler it is very cam girless yeah but if you did that all the time it would probably at least pay for a studio if you set up a studio somewhere i mean for sure but you don't want see you don't want to people to have to pay to ask you questions i don't yeah like I said, I felt like a fucking panhandler and I hated it and I haven't done it since.

[1144] I did this show and the guy who promoted the show I didn't know about it.

[1145] It's something that Brian Callan set up.

[1146] This guy...

[1147] Love that guy.

[1148] Love that guy.

[1149] What a fucking guy.

[1150] But this guy had set it up and I love Brian too, but he doesn't pay attention to shit.

[1151] It's not like real good with details.

[1152] I had to ask him a bunch of questions about the show.

[1153] Like, hey man, there's a guy who's a DJ who's saying that he's spinning records in between us?

[1154] Is there a fucking break in between us where does a DJ come on?

[1155] I'll check, I check, it's just you and I I get there, it's not just me and him It's me, him, there's a fucking MC Three local comics A girl's doing 20 minutes and it was a disaster We had to clean up this giant mess This podcast?

[1156] No, no, no It was a comedy show but anyway The guy had made people pay extra To take pictures To meet us and take pictures Exactly and I said Dude, you can't do that I back up people every time I would never do that And you can't do that I take pictures with everybody I'll do a theater, and I'll wait for hours, and I'll take pictures with a thousand fucking people.

[1157] Of course.

[1158] Like, you can't charge people an extra 20 bucks to take pictures with me. But this guy did it on his own.

[1159] He did it on his own as a promoter.

[1160] And this is all shit that Callan just didn't pay attention to it.

[1161] The way I do that, and Brian's cool about taking pictures as well.

[1162] Oh, yeah.

[1163] No, he is totally cool.

[1164] He just didn't pay attention.

[1165] Right.

[1166] He just let this guy handle everything who we didn't need in the first place.

[1167] You know, what do you need?

[1168] You know, we don't need a promoter.

[1169] this is Twitter that's the promoter you know let people know you're there they show up it's not that hard like what is this promoter in quotes doing what is he doing he's just trying to get his friends on the show and trying to charge extra to take pictures it was stupid but right but that's a gross model like the model of like people having to pay for VIP you know entrance or all that gross shit meet and greet the um the one thing though is that the cell phone pictures like take fucking forever you know so what I do is I have have my website where I take the pictures myself and like when the fucking I'm so good at it too.

[1170] I stole your idea.

[1171] We stole that.

[1172] Jamie comes with me to some shows and takes pictures and we upload them.

[1173] It's better.

[1174] Yeah, dude.

[1175] It takes way quicker.

[1176] It's like one third the time.

[1177] It's better too if you take them yourself because that way when the flash goes off you turn the camera around you can show the people their pictures so they can see it for like quality control.

[1178] Don't let them say it.

[1179] Oh yeah?

[1180] Because then they go oh my God, take that again.

[1181] Oh my God.

[1182] I do.

[1183] I do.

[1184] Oh, my God.

[1185] I do it because...

[1186] Girls who, like, look at photos of themselves and everything's great, like, oh, my God, I hate that picture.

[1187] Do it again.

[1188] Yeah, yeah, but...

[1189] No, no. No, this is what you look like.

[1190] Yeah, but that's the thing is that, like, for me, like, my camera's so, boom.

[1191] You're like, okay, boom.

[1192] You know, half the time I don't like it.

[1193] Oh, no?

[1194] You don't like it?

[1195] Half the time I don't like it, so I'll take another one.

[1196] Why don't you like it?

[1197] Whatever, dude, but I want to be picky, you know?

[1198] I don't like the way my teeth looked.

[1199] Right, so, so the fucking, like, um, and I just want to, want the people to be really like happy i'll get like a bunch of cheese from man like i want them to be super happy with it because i know that when they fucking go to my website and pull it that they're going to post it on their fucking all their social media and i know that they're going to post it and then yes and then that's that's sort of my grassroots way of letting people know what the fuck i'm doing yeah no it's smart move and i started doing it right after i heard you did i think brian told me about it yeah and uh a bunch of people do that now right and gabriel does that too right doesn't gabriel gaises do something like that similar it's a smart move right at the end of every show I say, okay, now I'm going to, like, before I do my last fucking amazing stunt, I'm going to do, I want to thank you guys for coming out and giving me a shot at stand -up.

[1200] And, you know, I'm going to fucking, when I walk off the stage, I'm not going anywhere.

[1201] I'm until I take a photo with every single one of you guys.

[1202] And here's how you get them, you go to my fucking website, and I explain it real easy.

[1203] And I say, and one last thing, if you want to get out of here a little quicker, the good news is I'm a New York Times bestselling author, and I've got my fucking, my book, and I've got my fucking, like, my hats, my shirts.

[1204] And if you guys want to get any of this shit, then that puts you to the front of the line.

[1205] So I have like a merch line and then a photo.

[1206] Oh, I see.

[1207] So you have to go through the merch line first to get to the photo line.

[1208] Exit through the gift shop.

[1209] It's like...

[1210] Your fucking Disneyland, dude.

[1211] Well, but that's the thing.

[1212] I'm still going to take a picture with every single fucking person.

[1213] It's just not going to take a picture of the people who buy merch first, you know?

[1214] And so like a lot of people would be like, oh, well, fuck, man. And I don't want to, you know, and I tell him, like, if you don't want to get anything, that's great.

[1215] But please just, like, hang out, like, have a drink, whatever.

[1216] Like, just fucking stick around and get that picture so I can thank you in person.

[1217] And a lot of people will think, like, man, like, you know, I want to get a picture, you know.

[1218] I don't really want to buy anything.

[1219] But, like, fuck, I'll just buy something to get the fuck out of here.

[1220] So, you end up selling, like, way more merch, you know?

[1221] And nobody feels like you're a dick, you know.

[1222] You still stick around and take a photo with every one of the fuckers.

[1223] The only problem with selling things is you got to deal with people like, $20, dude, like those people, like, oh, just...

[1224] Well, right, but how many fucking people...

[1225] Don't buy it, don't buy it.

[1226] How many people are out there by selling a one fucking side, one color fucking shirt for $35, $40?

[1227] Like, Andrew Diceclays sells, like, a fucking one -color screen.

[1228] Brings five shirts.

[1229] Yeah, he actually brings, like, five shirts and he auctions them off.

[1230] Oh, I don't know.

[1231] I never heard about that.

[1232] No, no, he sells shirts for like $500.

[1233] I mean, and that's a thing.

[1234] I'm not kidding.

[1235] Yeah, I charge 20 bucks for whatever, but I sign every last book.

[1236] So I say like, hey, you know, you can have a five -star New York Times bestseller that's autographed by the author and a picture and 20 bucks.

[1237] I don't feel bad about that.

[1238] No, it's great for a book.

[1239] You know, book for 20 bucks is a great deal.

[1240] You think about the amount of time, it costs, you know, reading a book, amount of time that you spend being entertained by that book.

[1241] Books are like the greatest bargain ever.

[1242] Yeah, I love it, man. Books take days to read, you know?

[1243] Yeah, I love that shit, man. But in any case.

[1244] I'm so psyched, man, that you have, like, as much of a reach as you did, man. Because I really, we got to fucking get this Paramount Theater in Austin fucking packed, man. I'm going to, like, that show is going to be like, that's my showtime special.

[1245] Well, you're going to leave here, and your phone's going to be buzzing off the hook with your manager going, did you say you were going to light the Paramount on fire?

[1246] You're lighting people on fire?

[1247] Like, what are you doing on fire?

[1248] No, no, it's a huge stage.

[1249] And, like, dude, there's plenty of time to get out of the room.

[1250] Don't worry.

[1251] Everybody will be alive.

[1252] There's no great white.

[1253] There was like 23 people that just died recently, a fire on stage.

[1254] Oh, yeah, I saw that.

[1255] It just happened again where two people in the band even died where something on stage.

[1256] Yeah, it was just like Great White?

[1257] Where?

[1258] Was it Sweden or something happened?

[1259] It's sparked on the side of stage and immediately the whole place caught on fire.

[1260] It's a great white.

[1261] Pyrotechnics.

[1262] dude, it's not worth it.

[1263] We used to have those in the UFC.

[1264] We used to have these fucking giant opening shows.

[1265] Actually, I don't think we had, yeah, we did have fire, I believe.

[1266] But in Joel de Oliveira, I was like his famous fighter from Brazil, and he was fighting in pride, and they accidentally lit him on fire.

[1267] And he was on his way to the ring, and, you know, they do the boom when you're walking through, like this gateway, they liked the fire.

[1268] And they fucked up the timing.

[1269] They lit this fucking dude on fire as he's on his way into the ring and burnt him.

[1270] And then they said, oh, you'll be back.

[1271] We'll give you more money.

[1272] And so, you know, it took like a year off, healed up his fucking 18 degree burns and came back a year later and fought again.

[1273] Do you have anything, like when you go to the doctor, do you have anything that bothers you still to this day from like a past stunt?

[1274] I know you have like a BB in your navel, don't you?

[1275] Yeah, I got like BB stuck in my body, but that's my choice.

[1276] I have, you know, I mean, fake teeth.

[1277] Like fake teeth and shitty tattoos is most of it But like my esophagus is fucked What's wrong is your esophagus?

[1278] Like the way you're talking?

[1279] No, it's just like I have What should I call it?

[1280] Like a Barrett's esophagus It's like you know like warning signs for esophageal cancer From just like acid reflux and I don't know Drugs and shitty living and vomiting Do you take care of yourself now?

[1281] Yeah I'm going in for an endoscopy No cigarettes.

[1282] I haven't smoked in your...

[1283] You're a vegetarian now, right?

[1284] Yeah, vegan.

[1285] You haven't smoked in...

[1286] Seven years.

[1287] Wow.

[1288] So right when you started getting sober, that's...

[1289] Yeah, well, I was five months sober when I gave up cigarettes.

[1290] Oh, okay.

[1291] And I haven't smoked weed since March 9th of 2008.

[1292] So, no coffee.

[1293] And thanks for not smoking weed for this one.

[1294] Oh, no worries, man. I appreciate it.

[1295] No worries.

[1296] I wouldn't want to get you secondhand lamb -based.

[1297] But although, people keep telling me that's bullshit, but I know it's not.

[1298] I've hotbeds.

[1299] I just like, I don't really give a fuck of people drink around me, but like the weed, because I'm, like, breathing it in.

[1300] And, like, it's like the problem is it fucking smells great, man. Who doesn't love the smell of weed, you know?

[1301] It smells great, and I do believe secondhand smoke gets you high.

[1302] I don't think it gets you as high as smoking pot, but I think secondhand smoke still affects you.

[1303] I, yeah, I don't even want to fuck with it.

[1304] Yeah, I don't like sense.

[1305] Super grateful.

[1306] So, um, so vegan, you're vegan?

[1307] Yeah, dude, like, don't even.

[1308] there's a whole other fucking, like, there's a major other door.

[1309] What?

[1310] Which other door?

[1311] Well, like, and this, I mean, I'm going to fucking let people see this, you know, in Austin or at the showtime, but it's like, you know, so I go to rehab and, like, get sober and the whole deal.

[1312] And then it's like, all right, well, it's great that I've learned how to live without fucking drugs and alcohol.

[1313] But, like, now I'm going to have to address my sex addiction.

[1314] You used to have a guy that followed around.

[1315] Oh, yeah, I still travel with a professional cock blocker.

[1316] Yeah, I got, I mean, that was my deal, dude.

[1317] I was like, you know, it's a mean joke I tell, but, you know, I say I'm like I'm fucking 41 now and I'm looking at like my future and, you know, like, I don't want to be 51 and falling apart and trying to hump everything that moves.

[1318] I don't want to turn into Polly Shore.

[1319] How dare you?

[1320] how dare you I mean if there's a guy I'm sure there's a few other guys but you can be Lemmy from Motorhead you can just fucking ride that boat right into the rocks Vince Neil Vince Neil I would go with Lemmy before I would go with Vince Neil but Lemmy from Motorhead's like 70 Right right I just like honestly man I'm like fuck dude like I didn't believe you're married right And it's like I really believe that like to be like happy you know like it's it's important to fucking have a life partner and not run around trying to fuck everybody and screwing them over you know like that's the deal like how can I give so much of a fuck about animals that I won't fucking eat an animal but I have no respect for women at all you know like it doesn't add up like so like on my fucking path and once I got into the meditation like I've been doing Transcendental meditation for two and a half years now and like I couldn't you know once I got into that like it was just like glaring like a fuck flashing red light like stop fucking screwing over chicks you know and and fucking using him up and throwing them away and just like you know like and whatever if I'm on the road like fucking hook up with all the chicks it's just like it just became clear like that's pretty much like a path to being fucking miserable and it's a type of addiction yeah for sure because like it's like anything else so I like you know I made myself like a promise I'm like okay now I'm like I want to fucking learn how to be in a healthy relationship because I feel like that's how I'm gonna be happy and so I'm gonna fucking from here on out I'm not gonna I'm not gonna fuck random chicks on that I'm gonna stop trying to get my dick sucked everywhere you know I'd like but I couldn't do it man like everywhere you have like lines of women at your show I'm trying to think about how funny that is all the stuff you've done to get out of drugs you've gone to rehabs for 30 days like I could do it you know one step at a time 12 days Well, but the thing I told you, like, I'm going to walk off the fucking stage.

[1321] I'm not going to go anywhere inside, take a picture with everybody.

[1322] So the whole fucking audience basically gets in a line, and it's an audition to see who gets to suck my dick then.

[1323] Oh, my goodness.

[1324] That's hilarious.

[1325] So you have a guy there that's...

[1326] Well, I'm all the deal.

[1327] I fucking, the whole thing.

[1328] I mean, I remember, like...

[1329] And that guy gets his dick sucked.

[1330] No, because he's a fucking...

[1331] He's in the fucking sex program, too.

[1332] Oh, wait, there's a sex program?

[1333] Yeah.

[1334] There's a whole program?

[1335] Yeah.

[1336] If you need somebody to oversee both of you guys.

[1337] Right.

[1338] I mean, whatever.

[1339] Like, I'm stoked on it, man, because now I'm, like, fucking, you know, like, I've gotten therapy, like, the whole deal.

[1340] Which is hilarious because, like, you know, my whole story arc, you know, is, like, it's pretty epic, you know, to go from where I was at to where I'm at now.

[1341] You know, at the end, I think at the end of the show, I'm going to have to fucking break out my old light bulb trick and fucking slash my shit and bleed everywhere.

[1342] No. Let's not do that.

[1343] Just because, like, to fucking, to try to fucking, like, by the end of, like, my fucking show, it's like, okay, so now I'm, like, a fucking vegan and, you know, like, trying not to get my dick sucked, you know, like, clean and sober, like, fucking healthy eater, you know, meditating.

[1344] Like, the least I can do is fucking bleed all over myself out to I get up.

[1345] You're a vegan because you love animals.

[1346] That's how I got into it, yeah.

[1347] Okay.

[1348] But you feed your animals, animals.

[1349] I do feed my dog's dog food that has fish in it.

[1350] And I just adopted a cat.

[1351] Right.

[1352] And the same thing, right?

[1353] Right.

[1354] Yeah, they just don't like the fuck.

[1355] They just don't fucking like vegan dog food.

[1356] I did it for a while.

[1357] I did it for a while.

[1358] They don't, it's not good for their bodies.

[1359] They have to be like, like, at the point of hunger where, like, you're willing to eat your own fucking foot.

[1360] But isn't that kind of fucked up?

[1361] You know, it's like you're choosing the animals that you love.

[1362] You're feeding these animals, other animals that were captive.

[1363] I mean, if you want to be like super black and white, like PETA, then I guess, you know?

[1364] Like PETA, I mean, that's the reality of animals.

[1365] Right.

[1366] I mean, I just, like, I don't know.

[1367] I mean, I hear that like the, even in my fucking canvas, you know, slip on vans, that there's some kind of animal products in the rubber.

[1368] Right.

[1369] Yeah, a lot of rubber.

[1370] Like, like, I'm not going to not get photographed because there's animal products in the film.

[1371] you know you just can't you can't do everything 100 fucking percent you know like i just do the best i can and i feel better i feel better for doing it yeah no it's it's this the animal thing is weird when people are super self -righteous about killing animals and yet they have pets for sure i've i've had a real issue with that with people because i get it man it's a blind spot that's why like i'm like really fucking committed to not trying to tell other people what to do you know I don't, like, have your whopper, man, I don't care.

[1372] Like, eat all the meat you want.

[1373] I don't give a fuck.

[1374] I'm just happier myself, like, you know, trying to have some compassion.

[1375] And why vegan?

[1376] What about, like, farm fresh eggs or things along those lines where nothing gets harmed?

[1377] I was fucking with fish and eggs for, like, a while.

[1378] And I only recently went back to being fully vegan.

[1379] But, you know, it's because I'm fucking feel tired all the time.

[1380] I'm like, man, what is it?

[1381] I think it's my diet.

[1382] And I think if I eat fish and eggs, then all of a sudden I'll have more energy.

[1383] It didn't happen.

[1384] And then I fucking had a sleep study.

[1385] It turned out I got sleep apnea.

[1386] Oh, okay.

[1387] I do too.

[1388] So I was never my, do you use a C -Pap machine?

[1389] No, I'll use a mouthpiece.

[1390] I try the C -Pap and I can't fucking do it.

[1391] And so now I've got to get the mouthpiece.

[1392] I'll turn you on to a doctor that's local that makes a really good one.

[1393] A lot of people that have it, it's your tongue.

[1394] I have a fat tongue.

[1395] Yeah, you too, I think.

[1396] And I went to this physician to get cleared for a TV show.

[1397] and she was shining the light in the back of my throat.

[1398] She said, do you feel like you sleep a whole night and wake up and you're still tired?

[1399] I'm like, yes.

[1400] She says, well, in the back of your throat, it's really narrow.

[1401] And I think that's going to cause a sleep apnea.

[1402] Yeah, the hole's narrow.

[1403] Yeah, I have that too.

[1404] And also, like, they've talked to me about getting an operation when they take out your adenoids and your tonsils.

[1405] And it's pretty intense.

[1406] And it sucks for like a week.

[1407] But then after it's over, you have a larger hole.

[1408] and that larger hole is better for sleeping.

[1409] But this mouthpiece serves me well.

[1410] Do you still get up to piss as much?

[1411] Oh, yeah, if I have to piss.

[1412] I try not to drink before I go to bed, like right before I go to bed, but if I do, yeah.

[1413] I piss a lot, dude.

[1414] Do you drink a lot?

[1415] You need sodium in your life.

[1416] Lately what I've been trying, I got a fucking big, fucking water pitcher.

[1417] Next time I bet on the floor, so I just picked up a piss into it and put it back down.

[1418] My friend Matt Sarah, who's a former UFC Walterway champion when I first met him, he had this gym in Long Island and he used to sleep in the basement of his gym he just teach and then go downstairs and sleep and he had this jug right next to bed because fighters would drink like gallons of water in the day they drink water all the time to flush your system out and he would just whip his dick out sticking in the hole he goes he went with his accent he goes I didn't even get out of bed I would turn sideways put my dick in the hole piss pull it out put the jug down right back to sleep oh dude so great man this one like water pitcher like I don't have a very big dick or anything, but, like, I don't even really have to, like, tip over, man, because, like, it's got, like, uh, a little spout thing.

[1419] It's, like, one of those classic Kool -Aid fucking, like that thing.

[1420] When Kool -Aid breaks through the wall?

[1421] Yeah, like, it's, like, the Kool -Aid kind.

[1422] So, I just, like, flop my dick.

[1423] Good to go.

[1424] So when you got a sleep study, they put all the electrodes on you, all that jazz?

[1425] Yeah, for sure.

[1426] How many times did you, uh, wake up in an hour?

[1427] They said that it was actually, like, mild to moderate.

[1428] Mm -hmm.

[1429] But, uh, but, uh, but still, man, I notice it, dude, I'm fucking, I got to get that fucking mouthpiece.

[1430] Yeah, it's not.

[1431] Well, you should lose weight.

[1432] I need to do for sure.

[1433] Losing weight is the big one.

[1434] I think, right.

[1435] It's like with Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz uses the CPAP machine, but he didn't used to have to have that.

[1436] It's like when he got really big.

[1437] That's when he really developed.

[1438] Because the more fat you have, it's all closes everything off, you know?

[1439] When you see people with giant jowls, well, guess what?

[1440] That fat's everywhere.

[1441] It's inside your face.

[1442] It's inside your neck and all that fat will close off the hole.

[1443] And when you lay back and your tongue falls over that hole, there's no air and just, right.

[1444] right i had to wake a guy up man i was on a plane this fucking guy was not breathing for like minutes at a time and then then gacking and coughing and i didn't wake him up but i talked to him when he woke up and i said hey man have you ever gotten checked for sleep apnea because he was it was snoring the most ungodly snore that's so funny man but it wasn't like always a snore i'm thinking you're saying motherfucker wake up stop snoring he's like all like caring about the guy it's like when he said like i'm thinking like man i'm gonna get sued like you're not worried about the kids just got spiked on his head you're a good guy I try to be but this this poor guy was freaking me out because he was making these noises and then he would go back to like and then it would be nothing no sound and I'm I'm awake because I was writing and it was on a long flight and I looked over at this guy and I'm noticing he's very overweight and he's just lying there like this.

[1445] No movement, no breathing, no movement at all in his chest.

[1446] Then all of a sudden, oh, my God.

[1447] Like, I mean, he would go, I mean, I'm exaggerating every saying minutes, but he would definitely go 40 seconds.

[1448] Like, I timed it, I forget what the time was, but I remember being alarmed.

[1449] And I remember sitting up going, okay, I got to talk to this guy.

[1450] And I had my mouthpiece with me because I bring it in my bag.

[1451] It moves your lower jaw forward?

[1452] No, no, no, no. Mine doesn't.

[1453] Mine actually just depresses my tongue down.

[1454] And it keeps my tongue from falling back over my airhole.

[1455] It depends on what kind of sleep apnea you have.

[1456] I have that central one, I think they said.

[1457] I don't know what's the difference.

[1458] I don't know.

[1459] Joey would know more than anyone because Joey's got it real bad.

[1460] Joey needs the CPAP.

[1461] Like, he has to have air blow in his hole.

[1462] Where's Joe yet, man?

[1463] I love that guy.

[1464] I love him too.

[1465] He's probably smoking weed right now on Paris.

[1466] But anyway, so the guy was like kind of stirring and moving.

[1467] and when he finally was like opening his eyes and looking around I talked to him and I had like a long sit down with him and I showed him in the mouthpiece and I go dude you could die I go you you hold your I was going to film it but I thought that would be rude to just film you but I mean you're holding your breath for a long time have you ever talked to anyone about it he's like no you know my wife tells me I snore I go dude you don't just snore you're like choking to death you know and there's a lot of people you don't know what happens when you go to sleep you're out and you sleep you're out and when you're out like that you're not getting any oxygen when you sleep you don't get into heavy REM sleep you're going to get into those deep cycles you just skirt the edges and then you wake up because your body's gasping in panic mode and so you'll wake up after like eight hours of sleep and you're still fucking exhausted that's every day i feel like i could go back to bed right when i wake up you really should lose weight i mean you know that's a big and so should joey joey i mean it's a big thing with joey's way way way overweight yeah and he got down a while just like you did.

[1468] I mean, Joey lost like 80 fucking pounds at one point.

[1469] But he gets energy from that CPAP.

[1470] Like, he feels way better.

[1471] Like, he travels with one.

[1472] He has this machine that he travels with, then he has to check.

[1473] I mean, so he always has to check his luggage because his carry -on is his CPAP machine.

[1474] So he doesn't go anywhere without checking his luggage.

[1475] Every flight he takes, Joey brings that machine with him.

[1476] That is his fucking, that's his security system.

[1477] You brought up earlier.

[1478] You brought up Greg Fitzsimmons.

[1479] Yeah, that caused me Cosby thing.

[1480] What do you think about it?

[1481] Because it makes me feel weird.

[1482] I don't like it.

[1483] It's misguided.

[1484] I love Greg, but I think it's misguided.

[1485] For folks who don't know what we're talking about, Greg has decided to start stealing Bill Cosby's material and doing it openly.

[1486] So he does these classic Bill Cosby bits, and then he lets everybody know in the middle of it that he's stealing Bill Cosby's bits to take away from him what is most precious.

[1487] But it doesn't really work because it doesn't, you don't, like, if someone tries to see, steal some shit off of like shiny happy jihad or something like that like it's already out it's already on cd i did it in you know fucking 2006 like if you're stealing you're not taking anything away from me you're just you're just you know you're just selling yourself short by stealing so like if gregg does bill cosby's material you don't ever take it away from him it's already recorded these are like he doesn't even do that material anymore so i don't know i don't think it's really effective it seems like you're taking something negative and being negative about it.

[1488] It just doesn't seem it like, and I also think it's just opens the door to people go, well, Greg stole Bill Cosby's jokes, you know, and, uh...

[1489] But he says it on stage that he's stealing it.

[1490] He lets people know in the middle of it that he's stealing Bill Cosby's bit.

[1491] Greg Fitzsimmons steals Bill Cosby's bits now.

[1492] He's doing it on purpose to try to take something from Bill Cosby, like this is the idea behind it.

[1493] I think it's...

[1494] Well, it sounds like Bill Cosby would be super psyched on that because it's like, wow, I'm getting credit for being funny, and it's just extracting people from me being a racist.

[1495] Like, wow, like, there's actually something good about Bill Cosby.

[1496] That's totally true.

[1497] That's completely defeating.

[1498] Yeah, I think it's a gimmick.

[1499] I mean, I see what he's, like, he's genuinely thinks the guy's disgusting.

[1500] Right.

[1501] It's genuine.

[1502] So, let me, like, glorify his comedy, but.

[1503] Yeah.

[1504] I mean, I don't get it.

[1505] I don't, I just, I don't know.

[1506] Maybe if I had him on and Greg, I'll have him on soon.

[1507] And he's going to be on soon, I guess.

[1508] we're talking about doing something within the next couple of weeks.

[1509] So maybe he'll explain it better.

[1510] I just, I don't know, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it, you know?

[1511] I'd say, this is a fascinating, there's some lady that was on, who was a legal expert, who was discussing it, and she said he might be the most prolific serial rapist in history, which is fucking insane.

[1512] It's insane to look at it that way.

[1513] This guy, Mr. Huxstable, you know, the fucking guy from the TV show, the guy who had the squeaky clean comedy the guy who did the bit about you know the football players saying hi mom to his son on tv this guy was like wholesome mr america in a sweater but did so none of these girls like the next morning well god what the fuck happened he raped me i am going to to the police this is all you know kind of like wishy -washy like yeah i i kind of felt weird that night but no one really went right to the police though did they um i don't know i don't know it just seems weird It just seems like if it doesn't seem weird to me It seems like a lot of people just kind of I don't know Well listen man if you're a girl Okay look at it this way You're some young girl who's trying to make it in show business And you're you know You get brought into his office Because you know his You know he knows your parents or something like that That was a lot of the situation Like he there was one of one Situation was there was like a modeling company And he would contact the modeling company To get people on his show Like he was looking to cast roles that didn't even exist and he'd have them in his office and drug him and fuck him.

[1514] Yeah, I mean, he would bring them into his office and drug him.

[1515] Like, would you like a cappuccino?

[1516] Would you like a little cappuccino?

[1517] And give him a cappuccino and fuck them.

[1518] I mean, just drug them.

[1519] I don't know.

[1520] It seems like if that were to happen, though, like four hours later, this girl's like, I just went there for an interview.

[1521] I had a cappuccino and he fucked me. Like, you'd go right to the...

[1522] No, this is why no. Because I think what I was going to say is like these are young.

[1523] young girls that are probably completely overwhelmed that they're even in his presence.

[1524] Like, they can't even believe that they're meeting Bill Cosby.

[1525] So you're insanely starstruck.

[1526] And the fact that he's touching you puts you into a state of shock.

[1527] Like, you're fucked up.

[1528] And then you're confused because you wake up and you were drugged.

[1529] You don't know what happened.

[1530] And then you're embarrassed and horrified of it.

[1531] I mean, there's so many.

[1532] And then you're going to try to accuse Mr. Huxstable.

[1533] Exactly.

[1534] It's like he's, this is before the internet.

[1535] man you know if a girl like that if that happened today a girl could go on our facebook page and say today i went on an audition with bill cosby and he drugged me and rape me and like whoa like bam that takes off and it goes viral but back then man if you go to the fucking police they might not say shit or they might go to cosby and cosby might sue you but you got to realize some women did and in 2005 he actually paid off women and he that's why this all got more serious lately is because they released the transcripts and the transcripts said that he admitted that he had drugged these girls right he admitted it so this this did go to cops and it didn't go out to the public so it's like it's not kind of weird it's just the amount of power and money this guy mean Bill Cosby's like a billionaire I mean the amount of money that guy has is insane and the amount of power that kind of money has where you're talking about just teams of lawyers that just Just try to figure out any sort of attack that they could do to try to mitigate any of the issues that are going on with people accusing him of all this crazy, you know, rape shit.

[1536] It's like he fought it for a long time.

[1537] He hasn't really publicly denied any of it, right?

[1538] No, he hasn't denied it at all.

[1539] He hasn't denied it at all.

[1540] He just doesn't talk about it, you know?

[1541] Right.

[1542] One of the weirdest things that he said, he did this one interview.

[1543] And he said, in all my years of show business, I've never seen anything like this.

[1544] Yeah, well, that's called free speech.

[1545] This is what's going on now.

[1546] Like, you, everyone can talk now.

[1547] Like, now people can get online and talk about crimes that you committed.

[1548] It's like you can't hide behind lawyers anymore.

[1549] You can't threaten them, you know, you can't, you, and you're a girl, you're barely paying your bills, you know.

[1550] You're barely getting by, and he offers you $20 ,000 or $100 ,000 to shut the fuck up and you have to sign some written agreement that says you never speak about this again.

[1551] You take that money.

[1552] That's what they do.

[1553] And that's what they did in 2005.

[1554] And I don't know how much they got paid, but it's probably even more than that.

[1555] Probably a million.

[1556] I mean, when you're worth what that guy's made in his career, who knows what he's got left.

[1557] But when someone, 100 ,000 here, 100 ,000 there for a guy like that has nothing.

[1558] He could silence a lot of shit.

[1559] but just keeping people quiet with money, you know, and that's probably what happened when things came up.

[1560] I mean, I don't know.

[1561] And then there's also people with fear of being blackballed.

[1562] You know, being blackballed from show business when you're a struggling actress and you're barely getting by, the difference between Bill Cosby talking badly about you and accusing you of being a liar.

[1563] Like, who's going to listen to you and who's going to listen to him?

[1564] They've got to think that most people are going to listen to Bill Cosby, and that could wreck your career before it ever gets started.

[1565] just sink your ship and it seems like a lot of these girls that he prayed on were trying to make it in show business that was a big part of like what he would attack he would go after these girls that were trying to become actresses and he was like a mentor figure that was like the angle that he was presenting stark shit man yeah how'd we get on that i'd take one piss man oh we're talking about greg fit Simmons Greg fitzsimmons in his bill Cosby strategy Yeah, I don't know It's a little misguided, I think I don't know Maybe Greg's got a better point Maybe we need to let him articulate it It's the darkest thing In all of the history of stand -up comedy I think I mean, or close to it You know I mean what else There was that Vince Champ guy That was raping college girls And he got caught He would say like horrible shit to them Like pray for me and stuff Like while he's fucking them That guy's in jail for the rest of his life Cosby's just out running around I mean it doesn't seem like there's any charges that are being put up against him.

[1566] And as far as I know, there's only one woman that the rape happened inside the Statue of Limitations.

[1567] I don't know what the Statue of Limitations is, but I think it's like...

[1568] Six or seven years?

[1569] That's it.

[1570] That seems fucked.

[1571] For rape?

[1572] I think it's seven years, but that's kind of like, well, you know, it's a little wishy -washy.

[1573] Meaning, like, if you've raped somebody and you have grapeproof eight years later, I'm sure they're still going to use it.

[1574] I don't know.

[1575] I don't think that's the case.

[1576] I think a statute of limitations is pretty rock -solid.

[1577] Like once - Is it?

[1578] Like double jeopardy and shit.

[1579] Yeah, it's law, you know?

[1580] I don't know.

[1581] It's fucked up.

[1582] We've talked about that so many times.

[1583] It's a subject that's been beating to death.

[1584] But it seems like it's so significant that you kind of have to beat it to death.

[1585] It's hard to believe.

[1586] Imagine if that was like your dad or something like that.

[1587] Imagine, you know, if you found out your dad was a fucking serial rapist or your mom even.

[1588] Your mom's drugging dude sucking their dicks, taking pictures, I remember an old bit I saw you do about if your son came up from school and told you that his teacher sucked his dick how piss you would be Don't you ever ruin that No it's that he called the cops That's who it was My son called the police How does someone ever find out That a female teacher molested kid One of those pussies has to open his mouth Like where was his dad if my son did that I would be pissed dude you're fine okay there's a giant difference between a woman molesting a boy and a man molesting a girl I don't think it should be encouraged but it's certainly not the same right did you hear about anonymous releasing all the KKK members information supposedly there's a lot of U .S. senators police I applaud you anonymous.

[1589] I feel like Anonymous overall across the board does more good shit.

[1590] I hear very, very few bad accusations on their part.

[1591] Almost everything they do, I agree with.

[1592] I love it.

[1593] Like it.

[1594] Good.

[1595] Fuck the KKK.

[1596] Fuck all those crazy fucking Stone Age assholes who give you shit about the origin of birth of your great, great, great grandparents.

[1597] You're not pure.

[1598] You're not of the pure race.

[1599] It's going to be interesting, though, because supposedly there's some Ferguson police that are involved in this and the whole list officially gets released and I think next week or this week.

[1600] Meanwhile, Brian's on it.

[1601] Well, they can just put your name on it, man. If somebody wanted to fuck with you, Steve -O's in the KKK, what?

[1602] Yeah, I don't know.

[1603] Yeah.

[1604] You've kind of morphed.

[1605] It's really fascinating.

[1606] I mean, seeing you go from being this wild, crazy, ketamine snorting psychopath jumping off roofs and shit and damaging your body to being this vegan who's trying to live a kind life and trying to be nice to people and you don't want to randomly hook up with girls because you want to have a meaningful relationship and you're taking care of animals and fuck sea world it's really amazing to see you become this yeah you know I mean every once in a while I got to do something pretty fucked up just to make sure that I'm I'm not a total pussy, yeah Well, I didn't meet you until you were sober Right You know, I missed the crazy train I've got pretty crazy sober to them Yeah, no, no doubt Yeah, I mean, just explaining what you're planning on doing at the Paramount before they found out about it Do you think there's going to be a Jackass 4K Or something like that?

[1607] I don't think so, man, but Everybody's getting old and fucking injuries The last one was so great I'm working my dick off to get my own movie Oh yeah Yeah Like sort of like the bad grandpa Format Oh my god was bad grandpa good Oh yeah That was a funny funny fucking movie I cried When he got his dick stuck in that machine Oh my god That was one of the funny That was a funny fucking movie That was really good I don't think got enough credit I really don't think you got as much credit as it deserved I think it did well It was number one But it's one of the funniest movies ever seen in my life and when you talk about like funny all -time movies very few people bring up bad grandpa i think they should i think it's a goddamn epic movie this kid's shitting on the wall and when he's dancing a dance pretty funny that kid's awesome i love the kid in there when he goes to the the black club and he's uh with with all the ladies and he's dancing come on fuck yeah dude it's a fucking epic movie yeah so do you have a movie worked out or do you have an idea pretty much yeah I'm gonna like keep the cards Close to your chest Yeah dude but But I got to deal with You know big time movie producer guys Oh snap Yeah so now we're like Taking it and like getting it written And get the director and then take it to the studios Kind of a deal So we were talking about this The damage that you've done It's early the fuck on but We were talking about the damage you've done to your body Before you went off to pee And you said esophical Like you said esophical Barrett's esophagus.

[1608] But that's it?

[1609] Other than that, like bones and joints and back and neck.

[1610] Yeah, joints are all good.

[1611] That's crazy.

[1612] What about Knoxville?

[1613] Is he okay?

[1614] He's got some back issues, I think.

[1615] Is that from that bull?

[1616] Which bull?

[1617] The bull, when he went blindfold and the bull washed him through the air.

[1618] That wasn't a bull.

[1619] It was a yak.

[1620] But I don't think that he got particularly hurt on that.

[1621] I think that one thing, one thing that, did a lot of damage to him was early early on dropping in on the skateboard half pipe like one of the big vert ramps and he just like I mean just fell straight to the flat bottom and like I remember like hearing that like he turns his like turning the car like hurts his shoulders fucked up he definitely did more damage because like he didn't have like the benefit of growing up like falling up a skateboard sort of learning how to fall down you know like when he like you know a lot of us are like sort of you know i mean i'm like you know sort of circus clown acrobat you know lifelong fuck by by trade so yeah so yeah so i'm kind of more like like uh i'm better at falling down without getting hurt noxill like falls down it's just me hitting the ground in the worst way which is why his shit's always the best you know oh yeah that makes sense because you can do flips and all that shit right you know how to fall with your body yeah i'm more like a cat when it gets down to it and knoxville is just you know so i think that he he's probably in worse shape but then again at the same time i think that uh you know he he takes good care of himself you know and i think maybe he's done some mending he had some disc issues i don't know yeah i've had a gang of those i did uh my own stunts for this accidentally did my own stunts for this kevin james movie i was in because I suck at riding bikes.

[1622] I had to ride a bike and I had hit him with a flag.

[1623] Which Kevin James movie?

[1624] It was a zookeeper.

[1625] Okay, yeah, the guy that I'm telling you about is the one who did that movie.

[1626] Which guy?

[1627] Todd Garner.

[1628] Oh, the guy who the producer?

[1629] I know Todd.

[1630] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1631] He's a good dude.

[1632] I love Todd.

[1633] So I had to hit the brake while I was like riding a bike and I was hitting him with this flag, but I'm hitting the front brake.

[1634] And when you, you know, you hit the front brake, if it locks, you go flying over the top.

[1635] And I did it like three times.

[1636] We wind up using that in the movie instead of the stunt man Because I just would go fucking flying But I'm pretty good at falling It was a lifelong martial artist So all the like the I knew when I hit the ground That you can't just hit the ground You gotta kind of like roll with it But you really have a real strong appreciation for stunt people When you do something like that Because I go well I got through this Luckily without getting hurt But if I had to do this every fucking day Or you know every week some new thing where you're falling off of a building or jumping off of a fucking moving car that potential for damaging yourself is super high and you hear about those people dying it's always like some movie that no one's going to give a fuck about some racing motorcycle scene a stephen seagall movie and someone dies you know i mean you got to when you watch those crazy action movies think about that appreciate the fact that those people they literally put their physical health and their life on the line for your entertainment you know i didn't think about it too much until I just fucked up and fell a few times on a bike in a movie you know it's like those guys do it on purpose all the time yep that's right man it's fucking hard gig man that's a hard gig and I'm gonna do it on purpose at the fucking paramount thing I want to see this now I want to be there yeah yeah there you go why don't you go yeah there you go no one's holding you back all right ladies gentlemen Let's wrap this bitch up.

[1637] Steve O, Steve O on Twitter.

[1638] Paramount Theater, November 21st.

[1639] Austin, Texas.

[1640] I will be in Denver at that time.

[1641] I'm at the Belko Theater on November 21st with the great Ian Edwards and then the 20th.

[1642] I'm in Madison, Wisconsin, on the 20th.

[1643] All that shit is on my website, Joe Rogan .net, in the tour section.

[1644] Brian, what do you got going on?

[1645] Wednesday, we're at the comedy store, me and you.

[1646] Oh, that's right.

[1647] And Chris DeLeo.

[1648] Oh, that's right.

[1649] Secret show.

[1650] And also me and Tony Hinscliffe.

[1651] And then there's some secret guests.

[1652] Yeah, some secret guests.

[1653] One that rhymes with Bosch.

[1654] Hopefully.

[1655] And also, me and Tony are bringing Kill Tony to Pittsburgh and Ohio Thanksgiving week.

[1656] It's November 27th.

[1657] We'll be in Pittsburgh and November 29th in Ohio.

[1658] Go to Desquod.

[1659] Dot TV.

[1660] Click on Tour dates.

[1661] Yaha.

[1662] All right, you fucks.

[1663] I got a podcast in one hour with Chris Ryan.

[1664] So I'll see you then.

[1665] Bye -bye.

[1666] Big kiss.

[1667] Yeah, dude.

[1668] Thanks, Joe.

[1669] Thanks, brother.