#493 - Greg Fitzsimmons

[0] Fuck the music.

[1] It's just, just turn the show on.

[2] We talk, we, we, we're, this is too free form to have an actual opening.

[3] I think I'm going to kill the opening.

[4] I think I'm going to add it in post.

[5] Because the opening, like, if fucking weirds everything out, it's like all of a sudden music plays, then you have to start from scratch.

[6] It's like, you kill the momentum.

[7] So how are you going to do it?

[8] Just like this.

[9] No, but I mean, uh, how did you used to do it like you?

[10] We used to like stop, cue the music and then Joe Rogan.

[11] Right, right, right.

[12] But like, why we, why are we doing that?

[13] Because it kind of feels like a start, I think.

[14] No, it does, but you know what it also does, though?

[15] It kills the momentum of the conversation.

[16] That's why I don't do it sometimes, because I feel like we get this group going.

[17] Oh, I don't know.

[18] Why?

[19] Because in the future, you might not like Ting.

[20] You may be like, look, Ting in the house.

[21] And then you want to just be able to cut it off.

[22] Dude, don't even say that.

[23] It's great for business.

[24] You're rude.

[25] No. No, no, no. But someone asked me if I wanted to put together a best of the flesh -like commercials.

[26] I'm like, that seems like that would be kind of advertising.

[27] You know, like that doesn't seem like a smart move.

[28] because we don't use them anymore and the promo code probably doesn't work anymore but it would be funny as fuck maybe some of them were hilarious yeah some of them were hilarious maybe if a flashlight wants to get involved you want a piece of the action bring it back just for just for some videos but uh so these doctors didn't know about each other when you had three different prescriptions obviously no that's what's crazy states or same state you know no all in the same state one was my general practitioner one was the guy who was who had done the operation and then the other one was the PT guy and so and then you know you start you start looking for pills elsewhere God damn dude I knew a guy who did that with oxies you had a back surgery oh yeah that's that's hardcore and he just he had one in Texas he had one down here and different doctors feeding the pills and he still couldn't keep them in the system just shoving them in it's heroin oxy I mean it's the same exact chemical makeup.

[29] Yeah, and just like you were saying, he went dark.

[30] It was a dark time.

[31] It's like there's a cloud walking over him when you'd see him.

[32] Yeah.

[33] Like those Snoopy cartoons.

[34] Right.

[35] The one dude was a cloud.

[36] Right, right.

[37] It was literally like that.

[38] Yeah.

[39] Poor guy.

[40] Yeah.

[41] It's tough because you feel great.

[42] I'm not going to lie to you.

[43] When you are on those pills, you can talk to, like some asshole you're running into a comedy club that you would normally avoid.

[44] I can engage.

[45] I can have a long conversation.

[46] I was doing an hour and 40 minutes sets where I was just free -form and I could sit and write scripts.

[47] I mean, it was just for whatever my chemical makeup is that's fucked up, it writeed it.

[48] Get back on the heroin.

[49] Just do it.

[50] Get back on them.

[51] All the great writers.

[52] Vikin's isn't heroin, though, right?

[53] Vikin's is something else.

[54] I don't know.

[55] I think it's a lighter version of it.

[56] Heroin's not that bad.

[57] If you just don't take a bath, you're fine.

[58] If you don't take a bath?

[59] Yeah, when you're on heroin.

[60] Because everyone dies in the back.

[61] Right.

[62] Well, the The problem with it is that your receptors, what's the happiness chemical in you?

[63] Dopamine, serotonin?

[64] Yeah, your serotonin receptors get clogged up by the chemicals in barbiturates.

[65] So you no longer are able to receive serotonin because the only thing that is making you feel good is the drug.

[66] and then you have to when you go off it it takes a while for those receptors to clean out and be able to accept serotonin again and that's where you get really dark that's yeah that's a friend had the same issue coming off coke who's that same thing just depleted receptors just it just hypertaxes your system that's the big deal with coming off ecstasy right that's where people started getting into 5HTP they started getting into 5HTP because people were coming off ecstasy and their serotonin would be depleted and then they realized if you take 5 HTP while you're tripping before you're tripping like while you're tripping after you're tripping it gives your brain the building blocks to rebuild serotonin quicker right everything you are as a human being this is the weird this is the thing that people have a hard time wrapping their heads around when it comes to like their diet or when it comes to their uh you know like how much nutrients they take in your body your body's literally built on food it's built on food that's the only way it gets built you have to give it fuel The fuel that you give it depends entirely on the nutritional properties of that fuel to give your body enough to rebuild itself.

[67] And in certain circumstances, what you're doing to your body just depletes its reserves of anything.

[68] Like where it's serotonin, whether it's dopamine, that's a thing that happens to guys when they're on steroids.

[69] They get off steroids.

[70] Their testicles don't work anymore.

[71] You get testicular atrophy.

[72] Same thing.

[73] So you just deplete your body's ability to do something.

[74] Just wrecked the whole thing.

[75] Even if you just don't, you see some people at the fucking Starbucks and they got the sugar and they just turn it upside down and you literally, you think, okay, that's crazy amount and then they keep going.

[76] And you realize, like, I did a cleanse a couple times because basically your system needs once in a while to not have to deal with all this shit and just drain it all out so that it can relax.

[77] It's like turn it off your computer so your hard drive can go to sleep for a little while.

[78] And if you don't do that, you're just, you're fighting all the time.

[79] Yeah, when you introduce something to it, like Vicodin or heroin, you're upsetting your system in such a crazy way, too.

[80] Your system doesn't know what the fuck's going on.

[81] Right.

[82] So, like, every now and then, this guy takes this stuff in and we're on this wild ride, and then our reserves are depleted, and we have to scramble to get that wild ride again, otherwise we're not going to be even.

[83] Right.

[84] Like, that's one of the saddest things ever when you see those pill guys that they only take the pills to get even.

[85] Yeah.

[86] When they're not on the pills, they're sick.

[87] They get that sickness that they just can't deal with, and they take the pills to just relax a little.

[88] Yeah, I know.

[89] Well, what you're feeling on like raw food?

[90] That seems to be what people do now.

[91] Some raw food is really good for you.

[92] Some foods are better when they're cooked.

[93] Yeah.

[94] We had Steve Maxwell, this famous strength and conditioning and nutrition health guy who has worked with a lot of MMA fighters, and he's just a really knowledgeable guy, always on top of, like, health and wellness type stuff.

[95] And he was talking about the cellulose in, like, broccoli and certain vegetables.

[96] Like, your body doesn't even process it correctly unless it's cooked.

[97] Because the cell walls are too thick.

[98] You have to cook it in order to get the most out of it, to make it the most nutritious.

[99] Which I thought it was really interesting because a lot of people think that most vegetables, like eating most vegetables raw, like raw vegetables is like the way to go.

[100] Which I think it is.

[101] You know what I think?

[102] I think there's no correct answer.

[103] There's like some things are better raw, some things are better cooked.

[104] You probably should have both.

[105] You probably should have animal protein as well as vegetable protein.

[106] I always make fun of vegans, but if you saw what I eat on the most part, I eat a shit ton of vegetables.

[107] And I eat vegetables all day long.

[108] I think it's the most important thing other than like a good quality source of protein that you take in your body.

[109] I feel different when I eat a lot of like green leafy vegetables.

[110] Oh, hell yeah.

[111] I feel different.

[112] I feel better.

[113] Right.

[114] And I also, I fart a lot.

[115] If I eat vegetables a lot and fruit a lot, I fart.

[116] I fart to the point where I got a hemorrhoid, and I got this hemorrhoid, and I can't get rid of it.

[117] And I noticed that, like, I fart probably, you know, when I'm really going, I probably fart 20 times a day.

[118] And they're long farts.

[119] And it's hard if I'm traveling.

[120] I get off the plane.

[121] I'm cramped up because I won't fart in a plane.

[122] Oh, you're a sweetie.

[123] Cross -country.

[124] So I go to the urinal, and I was with my son one time.

[125] We were coming back from a trip from Florida, and we went into the men's room and we were both of the urinal.

[126] And that's where I let it rip.

[127] I mean, it's like a crazy comedy fart.

[128] And he started laughing so hard.

[129] His face turned red and he laughed.

[130] He's like, Dad, I can't believe you did that.

[131] I go, that's what a gentleman does.

[132] That meant I didn't do that on the plane.

[133] Dude, good for you, man. Right.

[134] Do you take enzymes?

[135] I just got some probiotics in the mail that I'm going to start taking.

[136] That's different.

[137] That is, yeah, I mean, probiotics are very good.

[138] It's very good for intestinal health.

[139] and the digestive health.

[140] But enzymes are really important as well.

[141] Really?

[142] Yeah, you can buy enzymes.

[143] What's a good one?

[144] I'll get you some.

[145] I'll get you some on it ones.

[146] There's a ton of good ones that are on the market.

[147] There's certain enzymes that are in certain vegetables and certain fruits, especially.

[148] Like papaya.

[149] Papaya is a big one for digestion.

[150] That's why you ever eat at one of those Brazilian places, those Fogoto Chau places?

[151] Yeah, they're awesome.

[152] But one of the best desserts they have is this papaya smoothie.

[153] Right, right.

[154] And one of the cool things about it is the papaya actually has, I think it's pectin or one of those, some enzyme that helps you digest all the meat.

[155] So it's like a good post meal thing.

[156] It's a beautiful.

[157] And it tastes so fucking good.

[158] But that's where the farting comes from, they say, is because the fruit and the meat together break down at different times.

[159] So the fruit digest immediately.

[160] So it forms a bubble behind the big red meat.

[161] And then as you digest the red meat, it releases the papaya fart.

[162] Oh.

[163] Yeah.

[164] Yeah, it's intense.

[165] Well, they say that if you're going to eat, like, one of the best ways they, I don't know who they are, but the people who I've talked to that are health and nutrition experts, say that you should have, like, your vegetables should be like one of the first things you eat, like eating a vegetable smoothie or eating a fruit smoothie, something fruit or vegetable -based, is like one of the most important things early because it kind of like opens the pipes up and lubes them down.

[166] And that way, when you're eating something else, if you eat something that's a meat -based meal later, It's attacking You're already open You know You're already sent in the troops To clear out the fucking forest And then your shit comes flying out of you So there's a logic to like The Italian six -course meal First is the anti -pasta Which is some raw vegetables And then that loosens it up And then you get the heavy carb pasta As your second meal Because then you I never follow it because I'm so fucking stuffed I'm Irish So the first The first you know wave comes and we just attack it like there's never going to be food again and then they keep bringing like my friend frank meretti's Italian we used to we I used to have dinner at his house and they had fucking anti pasta then pasta then they'd have shrimp then they'd have like uh another pasta then a meat and I was just I felt embarrassed that I couldn't keep eating because I eating too much well you know what that's an important point when it comes to eating that it's not just about health.

[167] Like, I think you should eat for health sake most of the time because I think your body will work better and you'll feel better.

[168] But that said, you should also enjoy food like as a delicious art form.

[169] Yeah.

[170] And, like, if you go to a really jam in Italian restaurant and they bring out a five -course meal and it's got antipasta and delicious lasagna and then there's a meat course and like, oh my God.

[171] Like, you're awash in like an orgy of sensations.

[172] And you should appreciate that for what it is.

[173] Like, yeah, you're going to be sleepy.

[174] Afterwards, yeah, it's not the best thing for you.

[175] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[176] But every now and again, it's a great thing to do.

[177] Dude, let's do it.

[178] Me, you, and Callan, and our wives.

[179] Let's go to a good fucking restaurant.

[180] Okay, let's do it.

[181] Come on, when did I get too excited?

[182] No, no, I'm ready.

[183] You got me excited.

[184] No, seriously, I was thinking about that the other day.

[185] We're due.

[186] Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

[187] I'm down.

[188] 100%.

[189] Let's do it.

[190] Callan's going to be here right after you, so we'll work it out.

[191] Right.

[192] Here's the answer when you were asking earlier, the difference between heroin and Vicodininin.

[193] So heroin, it's, according to this post on, line has a greater euphoric and analgesic property than Vicodin.

[194] It's less potent in an oral to a milligram basis.

[195] So heroin is indistinguishable from morphine if administered any way other than IV.

[196] And heroin is more sedating than hydrocodone by a very notable degree.

[197] So it seems that heroin slows you down more.

[198] It's more of a sedative.

[199] You nod out.

[200] That's probably like when you're taking Vicodin, you felt like really creative in You got a lot done.

[201] I think that the Vicodin, it quells your fears and your anxieties.

[202] It seems to be an extreme anti -anxiety pill.

[203] No shit.

[204] Because creativity, once you feel anxious, it tightens up.

[205] You lose it.

[206] Sometimes it enhances it with me, though.

[207] Yeah?

[208] Sometimes, like, when I, especially pot, like eating pot, for me, there's oftentimes a period of anxiety or a feeling of vulnerability.

[209] just a reality of being a person, being a finite life form.

[210] You get existential.

[211] You get weird, man. You just, you weird out, you know, you think, but then afterwards I have, I sort of relax from that and then I have this wave of ideas that comes.

[212] It's just like a gift for tolerating all the freak out.

[213] Right.

[214] It's like the universe, okay, you got through that, Here's some ideas.

[215] Right.

[216] Oh, these are like gifts, like gifts from the gods, you know?

[217] Right.

[218] But I don't get that from Viccanan.

[219] I only took Vikingin once.

[220] and it didn't work with me. With my system, it just made me a moron.

[221] Yeah.

[222] I was just sitting, maybe I was too much.

[223] Maybe I overdosed or something.

[224] You have vikinan right here if you guys wanted to take something and try that.

[225] You have vikinans on you?

[226] Yeah.

[227] Why do you have vikin's on it?

[228] It's actually been in this box for like the last year when I had my operation, my teeth.

[229] Yeah?

[230] I don't like vikin, so I just kept it here.

[231] Don't keep vikin in the studio.

[232] It's good to keep...

[233] How am I going to explain it to cops?

[234] And I'm like, I don't know where the vikin came from.

[235] I don't even have vikinin.

[236] That's not...

[237] Did you plant Vicodin, and then I accuse the cop of planting Vicodin?

[238] The cop shoots my dog.

[239] Yeah, for no reason.

[240] Where's your dog?

[241] That's what they do.

[242] That's what they do.

[243] They shoot dogs.

[244] You ever seen the fucking videos of cop shooting dogs?

[245] There's so many cops that actually enjoy shooting dogs.

[246] There's like collies bark when they come to arrest someone for something and they just unload on the dog.

[247] Yeah.

[248] It's a fear tactic.

[249] It's also to let them know that, you know, I'm completely in control here.

[250] I just shot your dog.

[251] You're in shock now.

[252] Right.

[253] And it's a tactic of control, of manipulation control.

[254] It happens all the time.

[255] Cop allegedly fought back a smile after fatally shooting friendly dog.

[256] They do it all the time.

[257] Yeah.

[258] Aw.

[259] They do it all the time.

[260] Yeah, there was a, I mean, there's a ton of videos.

[261] I hate even talking about it because it makes me sick.

[262] There's a ton of videos online.

[263] Right.

[264] If cops, they're just fucking shooting dogs.

[265] Huh.

[266] You know, I get it.

[267] If you were going over a bad guy's house and that bad guy has to, some dogs and those dogs would sick you.

[268] I get it.

[269] But there's a lot of times where they're doing it where that's not the case at all.

[270] There was a guy who was a fucking mayor and they shot his dog and they shot another dog ran away and hid and they chased after the dog.

[271] And while I was hiding they shot that.

[272] No shit.

[273] Labs.

[274] Chocolate labs.

[275] And then I think they're chocolate maybe golden labs.

[276] But I remember them being like really like dogs you never have to worry about.

[277] And then they arrest the family because someone had delivered some marijuana to the wrong address.

[278] So what it was probably was that this guy was a postman, and the postman was working some sort of a drug deal, and what he would do is he would be delivering to a certain address.

[279] So instead of him actually delivering the package, the package was going to that address, he handles all the packages that go to that address.

[280] Instead of that, he picked up the package himself, and it was pot.

[281] So the people that were in the house were, it turned out to actually be a mayor.

[282] So this guy was fucking having pot delivered to this mayor's house.

[283] So this guy, you know, the mayor had nothing to do with it.

[284] Yeah.

[285] So they break down his house.

[286] They break down his door.

[287] Shoot his dog.

[288] Chase his other dog in hiding.

[289] Shoot it.

[290] Fucking zip tie everybody.

[291] Treat him like their drug dealers.

[292] And then it turns out.

[293] Is guy black?

[294] I don't remember.

[295] Okay.

[296] Let's find out.

[297] Because this sounds familiar.

[298] Yes.

[299] I think he was.

[300] Mayor.

[301] I want to say, I don't want to fucking.

[302] I want to say of D .C. Now, I remember it was around D .C. It might have been a little bit south.

[303] Yeah, if the dog owner is black It's way more scary Than if a white dog owner Right, no, and then the It got big I think Obama commented on it What do you mean?

[304] Right, like if it's probably Like if you go to somebody's house And a bunch of dogs are like at the door You're probably more scared At a black guy's house And the white guy's house Why?

[305] Because white guys have like shitty Like bitch dogs usually I think that's a fair I think that's a fair stereotype I mean there is If you're in If you're in you know the hood There is a fair chance that those dogs have been bred to fight or at least be very aggressive.

[306] Okay, it's Maryland.

[307] And here's the, it's Berwyn Heights.

[308] And here's the actual story from Wikipedia.

[309] The Berwyn Heights Mayor's Residence Drug Raid was a controversial, controversial action, taken by the Prince George County, Maryland Sheriff's Office and Police Department at the home of Berwyn Heights Mayor, C -H -E -C -E -C -E -C -E -C -E -C -E -C -E -C -V -O.

[310] I don't know how to say that.

[311] In 2008, the raid was a culmination of an investigation that began in Arizona where a package containing 32 pounds of marijuana was intercepted at a warehouse addressed to the mayor's residence.

[312] In spite of intercepting the package in transit, the police allowed the package to be delivered.

[313] And once the package arrived at the house, a SWAT team raided and held the mayor and his mother -in -law at gunpoint, shot and killed his two dogs, one while it attempted to run away.

[314] The event gained national and international media attention why Calvos, while the Calvoses, I guess, were cleared of wrongdoing, the police were accused by the Calvos and civil rights groups of lacking a proper search warrant, excessive force, and failure to conduct a proper background investigation of the home being raided.

[315] Yeah, I think Obama made a statement about it, as a matter of fact.

[316] In 2010 and August, the sheriff stated, we'd do it again tonight.

[317] What?

[318] I love cops in certain states.

[319] We do it again tonight, he said.

[320] You know, sheriffs.

[321] Oh, my God.

[322] It's like that Sheriff Joe in Phoenix, these sheriffs, it's like, I don't know what the checks and balances is on sheriffs, but they seem to be able to say whatever the fuck they want.

[323] There's some douchebags out there, they're sheriffs, that's for sure.

[324] I mean, like everything, there's cops that are great, and then there's cops that suck at it.

[325] Right.

[326] And it's a fucking really hard job.

[327] That's part of the problem.

[328] They don't get enough respect.

[329] It's a really hard job.

[330] It's a super dangerous job.

[331] It's not well paid.

[332] It's not well paid.

[333] And they developed as us versus them mentality, which is super dangerous because they are us.

[334] Right.

[335] This idea that you're not us.

[336] You can go over a guy's house and shoot his fucking Labrador.

[337] Yeah.

[338] That's crazy, man. I mean, it should be crazy.

[339] But you get so used to the stress of combat on a daily basis.

[340] Yeah.

[341] Imagine me how fucking cop.

[342] Everybody you deal with all day is lying to you.

[343] Yeah, my buddy's a cop in the South Bronx, and he works the graveyard shift.

[344] Oh.

[345] And he said that they show up.

[346] they'll show up to help somebody and people on rooftops and the tenements will start throwing fucking paint cans down on the street and just anytime they see a uniform there it's like if we come into a place we need to make the arrest and get out of there in less than five minutes otherwise a crowd gathers and it's like a near riot situation if you go into certain tenements imagine living like that you know you got to go in and you're going in there because you know you're assisting the fire department because somebody had a heart attack or or you're going in because it was reported domestic violence.

[347] You're trying to help the community, and you are under attack.

[348] It's like fucking Iraq.

[349] Well, do you remember what happened during the L .A. riots after the O .J. Simpson trial, where they were shooting firefighters?

[350] They were shooting firefighters.

[351] Wow.

[352] Yeah, they were shooting at anybody with a uniform.

[353] And just white people in general.

[354] I mean, that whole Reginald Denny thing where they pulled him out of his truck and bashed a fucking brick off of his head on national television.

[355] Do you remember that scene?

[356] Yeah, yeah.

[357] unbelievably scary when you watch the fact that this guy for no reason other than the fact that the guy was white pulls him out of a truck and then takes a brick and hurls it at his head full clip caving his face in that that happened just because the guy was white right and the same thing with lynchings of black people in the south but what's really fucked yeah but for sure but that was a different time you know it's really fucked that like that kind of racism like the black against white racism white People go, well, yeah, we kind of have a comment a little bit.

[358] You know what I mean?

[359] It wasn't made, so he took one for the team.

[360] All this fucking, think about this owner of this basketball team, is Donald Stoll.

[361] All he said was keep away from black people, don't take pictures of the black people.

[362] And everybody wants his head.

[363] It's over.

[364] He said a couple.

[365] I mean, look, obviously, do I even need to say we're not condoning it?

[366] Of course.

[367] We're not.

[368] Of course.

[369] But this dude has a billion dollar team.

[370] he has to fucking sell because he made some stupid statement he didn't prohibit a black person from coming on the team he didn't mistreat a black person even he just made statements yeah he apparently had a reputation for a long time of being racist and he was the guy that Ron Artec didn't he was it Ron Artec that sued him in 2009 sued them for racial discrimination so it's obvious that the guy was a racist there's no question well also he owns Bill and there were lawsuits brought against him because he was profiling people into his apartments.

[371] He wasn't allowing black people.

[372] Yeah, and he lost millions of dollars in those lawsuits.

[373] He's obviously a piece of shit.

[374] There's no question about that.

[375] No doubt he's a piece of shit.

[376] However, what did he say that was so awful that everybody's fining him $2 million?

[377] He didn't use the N -word?

[378] No, he said, don't take pictures around black people because it makes me look bad.

[379] He said you can fuck him.

[380] Right.

[381] That was what's even crazier.

[382] That's an open -minded guy.

[383] You know what it was?

[384] This is what happened, man. The chick was getting sued.

[385] I don't know if you know this.

[386] Yeah, his wife was suing her.

[387] The wife was suing the sidepiece, which is preposterous.

[388] The wife, I mean, she was humiliating her husband.

[389] That's why she did it.

[390] Yes.

[391] But the idea was ridiculous.

[392] The idea that you can't take gifts back.

[393] The guy gave away some gifts.

[394] And he got the pussy.

[395] You can give the pussy back?

[396] Like, what kind of ridiculous statement is that?

[397] I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous.

[398] If prostitution was nice.

[399] and legal that relationship could have existed in harmony for a long time right if it was just above board out in the open i mean he gave her two bentley's a Ferrari and a range rover oh shit yeah and he bought her this fat fucking crib it's it's just prostitution it's fine it should be fine and that kind of prostitution prefer girls like the perfect time you get like a relationship with the guy you don't have to fuck anybody else for money this guy gives you a ton of cash He's even saying he can go fuck other guys.

[400] I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[401] I really don't.

[402] Just like, I don't think he's anything wrong with someone cleaning your teeth.

[403] You think someone wants to clean your fucking teeth?

[404] Well, especially a chick has been taking hot thick ones from a basketball team on her.

[405] She needs her teeth cleaned.

[406] They're sticky and gummed up.

[407] He's probably got, like, tar that comes out of his dick.

[408] Like, cigarette tar.

[409] Spider webs, cigarette tar.

[410] Spider webs come out of his mouth when he comes.

[411] like cobwebs like fogs of cobwebs sticking her hair he wraps his ball sack around her neck three times skull fucking her TMZ has a thing that he was out last night eating at a restaurant good for him they were like the balls on this guy but can you imagine how many like eating at a restaurant now people are probably putting their pubic hairs in his tacos and he's a pariah yeah he's fucked and here's my take on the whole thing with like the money thing Like, $2 .5 million ain't shit to that dude.

[412] He's 80 years old, and he's got $1 .9 billion.

[413] For folks who don't know what a billion is, it's $1 ,000 million.

[414] So he has $1 .9 ,000 million.

[415] You can take $2 .5 million.

[416] He's not going to notice.

[417] He has too much money.

[418] That's 0 .02 % of his money.

[419] And the interest he's making on all his money.

[420] Like, he'll make that back in a week.

[421] That money comes and goes.

[422] It's like finding a guy like you $100.

[423] Right.

[424] It's like, you're not going to notice $100.

[425] It's going to be there, it's gone.

[426] He doesn't give a fuck, but the public humiliation must be unbearable.

[427] What a way to finish out your life.

[428] Yeah.

[429] You can picture him, even at his own country club that's filled with these reptilian blue bloods, even those people are going to reject.

[430] What you said was good.

[431] What you said was good.

[432] She was incorrect.

[433] She was out of line.

[434] They don't understand.

[435] Good correction.

[436] They don't understand the world.

[437] The world of the billionaire Ferrari buyer We will live forever You know I went to the girls Instagram too And it's like So many people are so fucking mean It's there's something It's a weird thing We've got in our culture today Where people could just comment On videos And comment on pictures Because there's folks out there That are just waiting For someone that they can yell at They don't have any connection To this woman Like me I am I was curious About the whole thing I feel bad for the woman That she's that woman that has to sleep with this 80 -year -old man I feel bad for him that he's an old racist I feel bad for the whole situation I feel bad for everybody so I'm looking at it just out of a public curiosity because here's a story that I can't escape it's all over my Twitter feed but when I go to the Instagram and I see the comments like the other people's reaction to this scenario that doesn't involve them in the slightest you fucking ugly pig whore you know get some more plastic surgery you cunt you rat you piece of shit you know you did the right thing girl fuck him you should have cut his dick off I mean you're just reading fucked up comment after fucked up comment like what kind of a world is this where people think that's okay to do right like they have pictures of their dog they have pictures of them on a hike they have pictures of their new car that they're washing then they have a fucking comment on someone else's page you fucking cunt right misogynistic hope he cuts your tits off you fuck with the wrong guy he's got a billion dollars you know just the meanest shit right right well And, like, remember Monica Lewinsky?

[438] It was like, oh, boy, did they fucking hate her.

[439] But here's the thing.

[440] This chick, mark my words.

[441] In one year, she will have a reality show.

[442] Yeah, you're right.

[443] She will have a pocketbook line.

[444] She will be worth a billion dollars.

[445] Well, in that sense, it's good.

[446] But in another sense, it's bad because they enter the world of hate.

[447] It's like, you remember when Kelsey Grammer's wife was on that real housewives and then they broke up?

[448] And then she became famous for being like a mean person.

[449] on the show.

[450] But the hate was so overwhelming that this wave of hate that came out.

[451] Do you think she encouraged that at first?

[452] I don't think she knew what she was doing.

[453] I don't think she knew what she was getting into and I thought she was going to try to be controversial.

[454] Apparently she's a nice person.

[455] I know someone who's met her.

[456] She's a nice person.

[457] So she was trying to be controversial and do that show.

[458] That's the thing is you think about like Andy Coffin when he'd go into the ring and he'd fight women and he'd call the Southerners rednecks in their own.

[459] Like he was courting it and it was taken the right way.

[460] I mean, some people hated them and some people got it.

[461] But nowadays, people go into it and they say, I'm going to be a fucking pariah.

[462] I'm going to represent everything people hate and I'm going to make a lot of money from it.

[463] And they just figure out a way to rationalize it because of the fact that they're going to get paid for it.

[464] But you're also going to get paid back.

[465] You have to realize what you put out, the way you make people feel, that's exactly how they shoot back at you.

[466] And there's some people that take it for no reason, and then, you know, you see a girl and she's just beautiful, and, you know, you hate her because you could never be her or you hate her because you can never fuck her.

[467] You know, there's always going to be people that are just really negative for no reason.

[468] Well, what do you think of the Kardashians?

[469] It's the same thing.

[470] I mean, look at the hate that those girls get.

[471] I mean, do they deserve hate?

[472] What do they do that's so horrible?

[473] They don't do anything that's great.

[474] They don't do anything that's interesting.

[475] They just represent the worst thing in America.

[476] But it's not the worst thing.

[477] America.

[478] It's not even close.

[479] It's just shallowness.

[480] The worst thing is violence.

[481] The worst thing is rape.

[482] The worst thing is people victimizing people, bullying people in school, bullying in the workplace.

[483] That's the worst thing is meanness.

[484] Is people just being violent, hurting people.

[485] What they're doing, it's just being idiots that are shallow, that run around, and they broadcast them in front of you with really clever editing so that you can't take your eyes away from it.

[486] You find yourself watching it for no fucking reason.

[487] Because you're like, The real evil is the reaction to it.

[488] I mean, kids are watching the shit.

[489] They don't know that she got her start by doing internet porn.

[490] They just think that she's...

[491] Oh, they fucking know.

[492] Everybody knows.

[493] Do they?

[494] Everybody knows.

[495] I don't think my kids know that she's famous because of that.

[496] Your kids know.

[497] You're crazy.

[498] How old are your kids?

[499] Your kid's 16, right?

[500] No, 10 and 13.

[501] 10 and 13.

[502] 10 and 13.

[503] Oh, they fucking know.

[504] By the time they're 8, they know.

[505] They hear about blowjobs when they're like 7.

[506] One kid tells another kid that his brother got his dicks.

[507] sucked.

[508] You're like, what?

[509] Someone's drinking pee?

[510] No, no, no, no, no, no. There's no, no, no, there's no, no, there's no, no, there's no. And then they cover their dicks, and then they sit around the school yard, they tell each other's things.

[511] I was 11 when I heard about a blow job, and I remember thinking like, I literally thought you blew on it.

[512] Yes, I thought so too.

[513] I thought the exact same thing.

[514] That's so funny.

[515] I thought the exact same thing.

[516] And it just, it seems crazy.

[517] Now, look, people say, well, it's so gross, girls are giving blow jobs left and right in school and I think good it's better than getting pregnant let him suck away no one's getting hurt with that there's nothing wrong with it you know I had this conversation with some parents the other day this guy was his daughter you know he got a picture off her phone of her cuddling with her boyfriend you know but she's like 16 the boyfriend's like 16 too and he's like you know you know who knows what else is going on he's all upset shaking his head and then the wife was like you know talking about how when she was 60 was actually another another mom was talking about how was I know what I was like when I was 16 and I was like, come on, listen, boys like girls and girls like boys.

[518] We're being crazy.

[519] We're like, we're attaching all the same sentiments that the Puritans had and our parents had and their parents had all these, that we know to be silly now.

[520] Right.

[521] And all this suppression of natural sexuality is what makes people so fucked up in the first place.

[522] Right.

[523] Yeah, my friends, they have a daughter and when she was like 16, 17 years old, she had a boyfriend.

[524] And at first I was like, I couldn't believe it.

[525] that they were letting the boyfriend sleep over, you know, knowing they were having sex, and I thought, God, that's fucking twisted.

[526] But then I thought, I was having sex at that age, but I was in a car, cops could have come, and the whole aura of it was negative and shameful.

[527] Why not let your kid feel that sex is a normal, healthy thing?

[528] And if you're doing it responsibly, then why not?

[529] Having a boyfriend is no different than having a friend.

[530] I think if you make it, if you make it different, it's certainly intense that way.

[531] But if you make it different, then it becomes different.

[532] If you make it like forbidden, you add to attach.

[533] There's this girl that I dated in high school, and me and her sister didn't get along.

[534] Her sister was just fucking angry, and I was probably angry too.

[535] And we, for whatever reason, we clashed.

[536] And part of the reason was her sister was really hot.

[537] Like, the one who wasn't so hot was always angry, and the hot one, like, dudes were just bombing on her left and right.

[538] And we and the not so hot one got an argument at school, and because, of that, like, the sister was not supposed to date me. There was, like, this thing.

[539] So because we weren't supposed to date each other, it was like this lot, this romance that could never be, you know, put together.

[540] It's like the tension, like, we were meant to be together, you know, yet.

[541] And then, you know, parents finally let me date her somewhere along the line.

[542] And I was like, oh, this is boring.

[543] Yeah.

[544] This is stupid.

[545] It didn't last like a month.

[546] That's why Romeo and Juliet killed themselves.

[547] Yeah, they're like, this is as good as it gets.

[548] They realize this is as good as it gets.

[549] Yeah, I mean, the real problem that we have is with the tension between males and females.

[550] That's the real problem, the anger that men have towards women.

[551] And the anger that some women have towards men.

[552] It's so dangerous and pervasive.

[553] I think it's changing.

[554] I really do.

[555] I think that, you know, if you've been to Canada or Europe, that that feeling between the genders is very different.

[556] They're much more like friends over there.

[557] Yes, Canada especially.

[558] Yeah, and I'm starting to see, you know, like talking about my friend's daughter, like getting to know kids of that generation.

[559] It's very different.

[560] They really do hang out as a group more.

[561] The men and women are on more of an even plain.

[562] Like, my son just had his first girlfriend, and it was very chill.

[563] It was like it wasn't, he told us about it, you know, and they weren't, it wasn't like a big high stakes adventure.

[564] It was just like, yeah, we hang out, we have lunch together, you know, as a group, we go to movies, whatever.

[565] And he didn't, he felt like he was getting serious, so we broke up with her.

[566] It was 13.

[567] He's like, he even said, he goes, I'm 13.

[568] That's hilarious.

[569] Well, you've done a great job.

[570] We put a lot of, like, artificial charge to things that don't have to be there.

[571] You know, this artificial, like, significance.

[572] I think a lot of them watching TV shows and movies where romance is always the fucking central thing.

[573] Every song that comes out.

[574] It used to be people wrote songs about shit.

[575] You know, Hendricks would write about, you know, purple fucking, you know, haze and weird shit.

[576] And now everything is about loving a girl or breaking up with a girl.

[577] Well, those are the songs that resonate with people.

[578] How many people connect relationships to a song?

[579] Right.

[580] There's a song that I listen to that all I can think of is driving to this girl's house in the middle of the night.

[581] There's a song, Radar Love, Golden Earing Song.

[582] Oh, right, right.

[583] If I hear that song, this is my girlfriend in high school moved across the state, and I'd go visit her.

[584] Like, we'd have a phone conversation, like, 10 o 'clock at night.

[585] She lived, like, a couple hours away.

[586] At 10 o 'clock in the night, I'd get in my car and drive to visitor.

[587] And then listen to that song, Radar Love, you know?

[588] So that song, to this day, I hear it, I think about that one person.

[589] Right.

[590] There's always, like, the weird song.

[591] Driving it not, I got my hands on the wheel.

[592] Yeah.

[593] It's a great fucking tune, man. Yeah, 80s songs.

[594] Fuck, man. I don't think that's an 80s song.

[595] Radar Love?

[596] Is it 90s?

[597] I think it's earlier than that.

[598] I think it's like a 70s song.

[599] Let's see.

[600] Golden Earing Radar Love.

[601] Let's see.

[602] Golden Earing had like three monster songs.

[603] Yeah.

[604] And that was it.

[605] No, I had, I bought a 76 Volkswagen Rabbit.

[606] 73.

[607] It was 73?

[608] Wow.

[609] Play it, Brian.

[610] When I was...

[611] I can remember every fucking song.

[612] I got this rabbit and I started driving to school in my senior year because my school was about 20 minutes away.

[613] And every song, burning down the house, like I can name the 20 top songs that were on the radio then, every one of them I still will listen to when it comes on today.

[614] It just brings me back.

[615] Yeah, there are songs.

[616] You just instantly remember where you were.

[617] I was in my car in Boston, and it was April, and I was listening to the Prince song.

[618] Sometimes it snows in April.

[619] And I remember, wow, this is, I got to get out of fucking Boston.

[620] Is that supposed to snow in April, you fuck?

[621] It was a signal.

[622] Right.

[623] Michigan or Minnesota, where Prince lived, that's just as ridiculous.

[624] Right.

[625] Sometimes it snows in April.

[626] We'll fucking move, because that's crazy.

[627] That's spring, bitch.

[628] I know.

[629] And kids go to college there.

[630] People go like, I'm going to go to Minnesota to go to college.

[631] before he's like, did you fucking visit in the spring?

[632] You really should have gone around January and checked it out.

[633] You know, you go to Arizona State.

[634] Right, right.

[635] It gets 50.

[636] Yeah.

[637] On a real cold spell rolls into town.

[638] I mean, shit, we went to college in Boston.

[639] I don't know what the fuck.

[640] But I somehow I didn't mind it.

[641] I guess I was drunk the whole time.

[642] But it didn't bother me that much.

[643] Well, the town is so great.

[644] It almost makes up for the fact that it's fucking cold as dick in the winter.

[645] Not when you're going to University of Wisconsin, man. There's no reason to be there.

[646] Unless you're really in a Wisconsin -type chicks.

[647] Chicks can make their own cheese.

[648] Girls can know how to farm.

[649] And fart.

[650] Imagine the farting.

[651] Wisconsin girls probably, that's why they were skirts in the winter.

[652] I lived in Boston, so I went to school in Boston, but I don't know if I would have stayed.

[653] I don't know.

[654] I mean, if I had an option to go somewhere else and go to school, I probably wouldn't want somewhere else.

[655] I was attracted because of the history of it.

[656] I just felt like it was an important city.

[657] So I sort of felt like it was a good place to learn.

[658] But then I stayed because there was a quarter of a million people my age all in the city.

[659] And that energy was crazy.

[660] And then I stuck around because we were doing comedy.

[661] And then all of a sudden one day it was like you said, I woke up one day and I went, what am I doing?

[662] I got to get the fuck out of this freezing cold, kind of segregated weird city.

[663] It's a great place to be in the beginning.

[664] And then as you get older, like, especially for a comic, there's a trap.

[665] And there was a trap in Boston.

[666] We all were aware of it.

[667] There was a trap where you could be a local headliner and you can make good money, but you will never work the road.

[668] So you'll be trapped in Boston forever.

[669] And we all would talk about it.

[670] There's certain guys that never got out.

[671] And those guys, they just showed us.

[672] They showed us that there's a flaw in this system.

[673] It's awesome in the beginning.

[674] It's a great nest, but you've got to leave the nest.

[675] But it's a great life lesson because New York becomes the same way.

[676] You go to New York and you can turn into a comic that does too much crowd work that's too bitter, that doesn't do extended bits because, you know, you can kind of scrape together a living by being in the city and doing in -city spots.

[677] But it's really important eventually to go like, I got to not that you have to come to L .A., but you got to get out on the road.

[678] Yeah, you got to do sets like real headline sets.

[679] Yeah.

[680] The New York guys, we would work with them on the road sometimes.

[681] they would come and do like these Bob Gonzo gigs or John Schuller gigs in Connecticut.

[682] Right.

[683] They couldn't headline.

[684] They had these 10 -minute sets that they would do in the city, so they would go outside the city, and they'd try to do 40 minutes.

[685] They just couldn't put it together.

[686] And there was no clothes.

[687] There was no bills.

[688] The overall set just felt like a guy groping.

[689] And they would talk about being on the subway.

[690] And when you talk about being on the subway in Connecticut, they alienate you.

[691] That's right.

[692] They're like, you're not even into this.

[693] Yeah, and you're used to playing on race and homosexuality because that's the audience in New York.

[694] And you go to Connecticut, and they're like, what?

[695] Yeah.

[696] This isn't our energy?

[697] Totally different sort of an environment.

[698] Yeah, that's a weird thing, man. There's a big difference between the kind of comedy that you do when you're starting to put together your first few minutes, the kind of comedy you do when you want to do a TV set, like a Letterman set, or remember the half -hour comedy hour, everybody wanted to get on that, Mario Joiner, all those.

[699] Right.

[700] And then there's like a real, real set.

[701] road set where you've got to put on a show it's got to start somewhere you take them on a little journey and it's got to wrap up tight good night everybody it's got to be confident you're the orchestra leader you're the alpha you're up there and in New York it's like look nothing is more I think of all those things working as a club comic in New York might be the most important because it forces you to follow guys like Atel and Louis whoever's coming on that night keep your shit together stay cool learn that learn that people are going to be getting seated and leaving because they're long shows.

[702] They'll start a show at 8 that goes to 1 in the morning.

[703] So there's a lot of activity in the crowd, and you've got to learn to deal with it.

[704] So it's crucial, but it's not the end.

[705] Yeah, it's a good place to fuck around, though.

[706] It's a good gym.

[707] Much like the comedy store is a good gym for that.

[708] You know, that's the same sort of scenario where the show starts at 8 p .m. It goes to 2 o 'clock in the morning.

[709] It's just a continual show.

[710] I can start working there.

[711] It's the one club I don't work.

[712] It's dark.

[713] It's dark.

[714] Yeah, that's why I didn't used to go there because it was so dark, and I thought that people get bumped a lot.

[715] But now I hear it's become a really better run.

[716] Yeah, I hear good things.

[717] I've been hearing better things.

[718] Oh, you don't go there?

[719] No, no. I stopped going on there.

[720] Oh, I forgot about that.

[721] Yeah.

[722] I stopped going there in the Mincea incident of 2007.

[723] Yeah, that was it for me. February, I think it was.

[724] That's too bad because you're a good fit for the room.

[725] Yeah, no. I like the ice house better.

[726] It's the same sort of thing, but it's everyone's cool as fuck.

[727] When you go there, it's like the whole staff is just super friendly.

[728] I get psyched when I see the bartenders.

[729] I get psyched when I see the manager.

[730] The owner's a cool, dude.

[731] He loves comedy.

[732] Bob's the best.

[733] It's like if I have a choice between a place to work out, I always go with the Ice House.

[734] And the audience, it's one of the weirdest things.

[735] You walk on stage, they're smiling at you.

[736] You haven't even talked, and they're just looking at you like, I'm so happy you came.

[737] Thanks for coming down.

[738] Well, those crowds that we put together when we do those shows there, It's like, they're so positive.

[739] They're so psyched to be there.

[740] And then, you know, you're doing a show where there's like, you know, you're on and Callan's on and Duncan's on.

[741] It's like, they're killer lineups.

[742] So we've been doing them there for a while and it's just, it's magical.

[743] So when I think about going somewhere else, like I do the laugh factory sometimes.

[744] I'll do the Domarera show.

[745] Yeah, that's true.

[746] Or I'll do comedy juice, the improv.

[747] I'll fuck around there.

[748] And I need to start doing the flappers in Burbank.

[749] I need to start doing that more.

[750] It's real good.

[751] Also, West Side Comedy Theater.

[752] It's great.

[753] Where's that at?

[754] So, run of the promenade.

[755] Really?

[756] Santa Monica?

[757] Yeah, it's sort of, it's really weird.

[758] You enter it from an alley behind the 3rd Street promenade, and it's this little theater, but I'm telling you, man, these crowds are so fucking good.

[759] When you're you going there again?

[760] I'll go with you.

[761] I'm doing a Sunday night in a few weeks.

[762] No, it's in a few weeks.

[763] Well, let me know, man. I'm going to go with you.

[764] Okay, Neil Brennan runs it.

[765] Neil Brennan runs a club?

[766] Right.

[767] Well, he runs a night after clock.

[768] He talked to me about that.

[769] That's right.

[770] No shit, that's good.

[771] Yeah, yeah.

[772] You know, come down.

[773] Oh, I'm excited to do that.

[774] Because I've always said, like, why...

[775] There used to be places on the West Side.

[776] Well, the improv had a place right on Santa Monica Boulevard on the West Side.

[777] So the store.

[778] I don't know if it was the original, but it was...

[779] The store had one on the West Side?

[780] Yeah, a lot of people don't know.

[781] Kinnison didn't really make his beginning in the store in Hollywood.

[782] A lot of the sets he did were in Brentwood.

[783] There was a comedy store in Brentwood.

[784] Oh, right, right.

[785] Yeah.

[786] Yeah.

[787] We did that close.

[788] I don't know a long time before I came around.

[789] I came around in 94.

[790] It was already closed.

[791] So, Kinnison and the guys down there, like Carl LeBow, they, like, ran the show.

[792] It wasn't an Igbees, was it?

[793] No, but there was Igbees.

[794] I couldn't work Igbees because I was dirty, but I was hanging around with Adam Ferrara, and I used to go with him.

[795] We used to play pool a lot.

[796] Adam plays really good.

[797] Does he?

[798] Yeah, really good.

[799] And so we went to Igbees a couple of times, and he would do a set, and then we'd go play pool afterwards.

[800] Back when Hollywood Billiards used to be around.

[801] Where was that?

[802] Well, it was downtown.

[803] It was, I forget where it was, but there was an earthquake in 94, 93, whatever it was, fucked up the structure they had to condemn the building.

[804] And it was a 24 -hour place back then.

[805] So then it moved to more Hollywood, Hollywood, and it was there until recently.

[806] Is it the place it was on the second floor?

[807] No, it was downstairs, actually.

[808] You'd go downstairs to get to Hollywood billiards.

[809] Yeah.

[810] It was a sweet spot.

[811] And then there was the Boston Athletic Club, which is another pool hall that was right off a sunset.

[812] And it was an old athletic club that they turned into a pool hall.

[813] And it was great.

[814] I used to be there with Ferrara.

[815] It was a real pool hall.

[816] Yeah.

[817] It was a nice pool hall.

[818] I played there with a bunch of guys.

[819] I played there with Jim Brewer.

[820] That's where I met Max Eberley.

[821] And that was a sweet spot, too.

[822] That place went under as well.

[823] That's great.

[824] Yeah, there's no pool halls left in Hollywood, man. They're all gone.

[825] There's that one in Santa Monica that's pretty good.

[826] It's a great spot.

[827] House of Billiards?

[828] I play at the House of Billiards in Sherman Oaks.

[829] I play the tournament there sometimes on Monday night.

[830] Oh, I think you took me there once.

[831] It's great.

[832] It's great.

[833] Those are the only places left.

[834] But, I mean, for a game like pool with a population like L .A., there's 20 million fucking people here.

[835] I know.

[836] I don't get L .A., man. There's no late -night places to eat that are any good.

[837] There's just a lot of shit that's just missing.

[838] Well, there's a few places that are really good.

[839] Like Cantors?

[840] Cantors is great.

[841] Cantors is fucking phenomenal.

[842] Yeah, it's a solid New York deli.

[843] It's the best bistromi in L .A. It is.

[844] And you can get that at 2 o 'clock in the morning.

[845] You can go there.

[846] Swingers.

[847] Swingers is really good and healthy too.

[848] Swingers has some really good choices.

[849] But for a city as big as L .A., I mean, I could, if I had come up with my list, it would have been those same two restaurants.

[850] You know, that's it.

[851] There's not, you know, Norm's fucking sucks.

[852] Apparently there's a Pacific dining cart in downtown that's 24 hours a day.

[853] Oh, yeah?

[854] Yeah, the writers on Tosh were telling me how great it was.

[855] Pacific dining cart is like a legit steakhouse.

[856] Oh, yeah.

[857] And there's one in downtown.

[858] downtown L .A., that's 24 hours a day.

[859] Yeah.

[860] So you can get a steak, like a real legit steak at a. At 4 a .m. Wow.

[861] It's try it.

[862] It's weird that L .A. doesn't have the 24 -hour thing in general.

[863] Like, in Ohio, every store is open 24 hours.

[864] Every, like, we had Myers that was open 24 hours.

[865] We had department stores.

[866] Walmarts were all open 24 hours.

[867] Walmart's were all open 24 hours.

[868] All our stuff in Ohio is open 24 hours.

[869] But then you go to L .A., and it's like everything close.

[870] Like, even the Walmarts out here close.

[871] Like, I was just at Fort Lauderdale.

[872] I didn't realize those nightclubs around the hard rock stay up until 5 o 'clock in the morning.

[873] And then there's like clubs to stay up until noon that open at midnight in fucking Florida.

[874] Wow.

[875] Yeah.

[876] And L .A. 2 o 'clock, done.

[877] People don't even stay out that late anyway.

[878] Yeah, that's a weird thing about L .A. Why is that?

[879] Why is everything close up so early?

[880] New York is like 4 a .m., right?

[881] I don't know if it's because it's like a healthy city and people get up early and hike and do yoga and they take work more seriously.

[882] stores.

[883] That's another good example.

[884] All our grocery stores were open 24 hours a day.

[885] That is a good example because people who work the third shift, that's tough action for them.

[886] You know, you want to get off work, you get off work at 4 o 'clock in the morning, you want to go pick up some groceries, you can't.

[887] Right.

[888] It's fucked up.

[889] Yeah, that's annoying.

[890] That would be annoying.

[891] Well, remember in Boston, you couldn't buy alcohol on Sundays.

[892] Oh, yeah.

[893] We used to go to New Hampshire.

[894] The Blue Laws.

[895] Right.

[896] It's so stupid.

[897] It's all the puritanical.

[898] Jesus doesn't want you drunk.

[899] You got to get sober so you can listen to the father.

[900] The father, let the father touch your pee -pee.

[901] Don't worry about it.

[902] In Ohio, we had drive -thrus where you can buy alcohol.

[903] Yeah, they have those in New Hampshire.

[904] They have those in Phoenix, too, remember?

[905] Phoenix has them.

[906] Yeah, in Louisiana, they'll give you a mixed drink, but they have to it has to have a top on it with a straw and the paper thing has to be covering the top of the straw.

[907] We call it a sealed beverage.

[908] Awesome.

[909] Louisiana.

[910] Yeah.

[911] Yeah.

[912] We had a driver once in Louisiana and New Orleans.

[913] No Orleans.

[914] Great fucking guy.

[915] And after we left, he was driving us around, rather.

[916] He was telling us about he was, one time he was in another place in Louisiana.

[917] And the cop pulled him over and he had a beer in his hand.

[918] And the cop starts talking to him and asking him like questions and this and then.

[919] He's answering the cop's questions.

[920] And he finishes the beer, puts it down, and pops the other beer.

[921] And the cop goes, what the fuck are you doing?

[922] And he goes, where are you from?

[923] And he's like, New Orleans.

[924] He goes, okay, okay, okay, listen, you can do shit there.

[925] You can't do anywhere else.

[926] You can't just drink a beer in front of me, man. That's why I'm pulling you over in the first place.

[927] And he goes, I wasn't even drunk.

[928] He wasn't even drunk.

[929] He was just enjoying a beer.

[930] Right.

[931] Driving another passenger.

[932] No, no, he wasn't driving.

[933] He was walking down the street.

[934] Right.

[935] He didn't see anything wrong with it.

[936] Right.

[937] He thought, like, I'm going to just walking down the street.

[938] Cop pulls me over.

[939] Well, what's the pot laws?

[940] Are you allowed to smoke pot in the street?

[941] No. Can you smoke here in your studio?

[942] Allegedly.

[943] This is what's going on with pot.

[944] Pot is decriminalized.

[945] And what decriminalized does not mean legal.

[946] So in California, it's decriminalized.

[947] In Colorado, it's legal.

[948] In Colorado, you could just smoke weed.

[949] But they were trying to institute a law in Colorado where they would bring out these sensors and they would have these things they attach to their nose.

[950] They look preposterous.

[951] They look like something.

[952] from a Dr. Seuss book, Come to Life.

[953] Yeah.

[954] And it's this thing that literally goes over your nose and looks like a bullhorn.

[955] And they would sniff through it.

[956] And if they could detect X parts per million of marijuana outside of your residence, they could go and arrest you or fine you.

[957] Oh, right.

[958] I heard about that.

[959] But they, everybody was, everybody was so negative against it that I'm pretty sure that they dropped it.

[960] Because people were so angry, like how stupid that was.

[961] Very 1984.

[962] Not only that.

[963] It gives people the ability to stand outside.

[964] It's, you know what it is?

[965] It's people that were, for the longest time, enforcing a policy that's not valid anymore.

[966] There's the thing.

[967] See, that guy's nose.

[968] That shit's real.

[969] He looks like the type of asshole.

[970] He's already frowning.

[971] Meanwhile, that guy needs weed more than anybody.

[972] Right, right.

[973] Put a smile on his face.

[974] Silly bitch.

[975] Yeah, I was just in Colorado, and I didn't get a chance to.

[976] But, like, a couple of the comics I talked to, one of them isn't even doing comedy much because he's doing podcast.

[977] tours.

[978] It's what everybody's doing now for money in Colorado.

[979] They just do comedy of pot shops?

[980] No, no. The pot tour, people come in to Colorado to go to the dispensers.

[981] You drive them around.

[982] I don't think that they can technically buy it.

[983] I think you need a Colorado license to buy it in the shops, but you can walk through the shop and smell it, and then they buy it for you, and then they go out and smoke it, and it's like a whole tour, and they're making fucking tons of money.

[984] Wow, that's interesting.

[985] So they probably have material that they do just for the pot tours.

[986] Oh, I'm sure they're, yeah.

[987] Yeah, they probably have a bunch of, like, corny pot chokes.

[988] But they said it's great for the economy.

[989] Everybody's making money.

[990] Oh, it's unbelievable for the economy.

[991] And that's what that fat fuck from New Jersey, that dummy, that Governor Christie, that fucking silly cunt.

[992] He was like, it'll never be there on my watch.

[993] Yeah, yeah.

[994] And he cites some unbelievably unscientific study that came out of some major university, which is a real shocking.

[995] The Heritage Foundation?

[996] I don't know what the study was, but it was about abnormalities.

[997] and marijuana, the abnormalities it causes in the brain, what does that mean?

[998] Well, here's what it means.

[999] What's normal?

[1000] Okay?

[1001] Just because something has a certain content in it or your mind reacts a certain way without a drug, with the idea that it changing, being bad, you would have to demonstrate that there's something wrong with the people that it's changing.

[1002] Like, what are you demonstrating that shows that this abnormality is in any way detrimental?

[1003] What are you showing?

[1004] Like, where are all these people that are smoking pot that have becoming shaking messes?

[1005] Where are all these people that are smoking pot?

[1006] Millions upon millions upon millions of people are smoking pot on a daily basis.

[1007] Why is everybody, are they falling apart?

[1008] Is everyone losing their job?

[1009] Are they forgetting how to drive?

[1010] Are they looking at their phone going, what the fuck is this?

[1011] No, this is not happening.

[1012] Like, you're not demonstrating any negative effects.

[1013] You're saying the study shows a negative effect.

[1014] No, it doesn't.

[1015] The study shows a change.

[1016] You can commission a study to say anything you want.

[1017] Well, when you look at the word, the language in that study, it's not scientific at all.

[1018] The language is creepy because the language says, in one of the quotes, I'm paraphrasing it, it was something along the lines of, you know, people that think that smoking pot even on a casual basis is fine.

[1019] This study is showing that it's not good at all.

[1020] Like you can't say not good at all because you're not demonstrating not good.

[1021] What you're demonstrating is change.

[1022] guess what else changes your fucking personality your creativity your compassion sex your sensitivity to sexual intercourse the way food tastes in your mouth your way you view other people your anxiety levels going down there's a lot of things that are going on well these are the same people that will disagree with 98 % of the scientists around the world who say there's climate change yeah there are hard studies with real numbers that are scientific well this Chris Christie guy's fat as fuck, which is one of the worst things you could be as a person if you want to be healthy.

[1023] Shows a lack of character.

[1024] It does.

[1025] It shows a lack of willpower.

[1026] It shows a lack of focus and determination.

[1027] How do you view life?

[1028] You're going around in a sloppy meat wagon.

[1029] That's what you are.

[1030] You're not an athlete.

[1031] You're not someone.

[1032] If you had a choice between being a person who respects their body and treats it well, or being a person that treats their body like a fucking Big Mac dumpster, what's your choice?

[1033] Well, you went with Big Mac dumpster.

[1034] Well, guess what?

[1035] You don't get to lead because you're not a leader.

[1036] You don't get to decide what's healthy when you're walking around, like literally to the point where you're going to have a heart attack.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] You know, I think there was a study that showed that people wouldn't vote for him because they'd be afraid that he would die in office of a heart attack.

[1039] He could die of sleep apnea.

[1040] For sure, he has sleep apnea.

[1041] When you're that fat, you have sleep apnea.

[1042] Yeah, he probably snores like hell.

[1043] I don't know if he sleeps with a seat pat machine.

[1044] If he does and he should.

[1045] There's a lot of shit going on.

[1046] But this...

[1047] Oh, that guy's probably got on diapers, a seatpack machine.

[1048] He's got a Big Mac next to his pet's hot table.

[1049] There's a diaper that they're selling now.

[1050] I'm Tony Tarragusa.

[1051] For a lot of times, you're fucking get a little drippage.

[1052] There's a tampon that you wear at the front of your diaper because your dick leaks.

[1053] Man, pawn.

[1054] And they're trying to sell it as like a normal thing.

[1055] Meanwhile, it's this guy with this swollen, inflated gut, filled with undigested food and feces that hasn't been pushed out yet.

[1056] Fat that permeates all the different layers of his skin and tissue.

[1057] It's not a muscle left under there.

[1058] The muscles are all gone.

[1059] I'm here to tell you that my dick ain't broken.

[1060] I'm here to tell you, my dick's leaking.

[1061] Trust me, just wear a tampon.

[1062] Keep eating them fucking meatball subs.

[1063] The delicious.

[1064] They're delicious over here with these meatballs.

[1065] They got meatballs and sod.

[1066] They got monogote.

[1067] They got good of goose.

[1068] They do the thing with the peppers.

[1069] They got the good peppers they put on the top there.

[1070] Sessage.

[1071] Like my mother.

[1072] God bless her soul.

[1073] God bless her.

[1074] She died of a heart attack at 51.

[1075] She weighed 300.

[1076] He's the guy driving that truck that beeped out me. He's the fucking guy that's ahead of me. I got my fucking peppers here.

[1077] I got my meatballs.

[1078] I know when I walk, the fat on my feet spills over the outside of my sneakers.

[1079] I like how that looks.

[1080] I like a little waterfall at the end of my heel.

[1081] When I step down, just pulls over, just rolls over.

[1082] It's nice.

[1083] I like to wattle because my fucking gunt, my gun's sticking out.

[1084] My legs can't stay.

[1085] I like the way the back of my head looks, the hot dog roll look.

[1086] I like fat sausages that are growing out of the base of my skull.

[1087] It looks like it makes you hungry for the fucking, the, the, the, fucking, a nice sausage.

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] A nice fucking Italian sausage.

[1090] I like, look at my face.

[1091] You see a wrinkle in my face?

[1092] You see any spider marks by my eyes?

[1093] Fuck no, because the flesh is pushing out against the skin all the time.

[1094] It's pulled tight.

[1095] It makes me look young and vibrant.

[1096] Look at my chins, tight, all of them, tight.

[1097] I had a dude who told me that that was William Shackner's, William Sackner said this to him.

[1098] He said, he goes, well, he was interviewing him.

[1099] William Shackner, apparently, he's like 80 years old.

[1100] And he goes, you look great.

[1101] And he said, well, I realize that a certain year that if I just put on five pounds a year, I never get really wrinkly because my face is like pushing fat out.

[1102] Right.

[1103] And he goes, I'm serious.

[1104] Right.

[1105] Like, apparently, like, it was a strategy to, like, to stay young looking by keeping your fate.

[1106] kind of, but I don't think you're supposed to be that fat when you're 80.

[1107] I think that's, like, super bad for you, right?

[1108] That's just bullshit, like, because he's fat.

[1109] He just made that shit.

[1110] Right, right.

[1111] He's working backwards.

[1112] But it is true.

[1113] If you look at older fat people, they look way better than fat joggers or than older joggers.

[1114] No, I started running two years ago, and I lost weight in my face, and now I look like a fucking skull.

[1115] I take my hat, I look at a, look at a, look at a, look at a, look at a, look at, I just, oh, my face and.

[1116] Sunk it in, you liked it better when you had like a little plumpage?

[1117] I wasn't even plump, but this is like a receded.

[1118] My chin looks like it's sticking out.

[1119] And I don't know how to put weight on in my face.

[1120] You know, once it's gone, it's gone.

[1121] Yeah, that's the thing that happens with women.

[1122] They get fat injections in their face because as you get older, you tend to thin out in the face.

[1123] It makes a lot of them not like the way that looks.

[1124] So they get those crazy fillers, too.

[1125] You see the fillers?

[1126] No. Ooh, that's a regretful decision.

[1127] that they decided to do.

[1128] So it's not silicon, it's like actual tissue.

[1129] I don't know what it is, man. I mean, sometimes they do do it with fat, but they use artificial fillers on their faces.

[1130] And when they use filler, it gives them this, like, pull up some images to try to be kind.

[1131] Find one that has a woman's face blacked out or something so we don't have to mock her.

[1132] But these poor people, they go to these doctors and they get this stuff injected in their face, and it makes it look like someone beat them up.

[1133] Like their cheeks start puffing out.

[1134] and the cheek puffing out look sort of like diminishes wrinkles and it gives us like fuller effect but it looks so monster -like there's a lady in my daughter's school and she seems to be a real nice lady but that's a bad example that's a lady who did it at 7 -Eleven that's a bad that's someone who did it badly I just wonder like you know if you're married and you get a facelift or a boob job you really just think like you're getting ready to leave your husband because he doesn't give a fuck I bet he gives a fuck maybe it's a woman's idea maybe it's the man's idea but no every situation's different but some guys get psyched they'll say yeah my wife could a boob job yeah I should say him want to see a picture she'll get his big tits now want to fuck her you want a fuck her come on bro fuck my wife come on he said we eat that juicy pussy she had a couple of babies but they tighten it up nice we tightened up the undercarriage we tossed a little bit of silicon down on the tank strip.

[1135] Is that like a before and after?

[1136] That feels like a baby's fist.

[1137] Yeah, let's not show this, poor woman.

[1138] That's not a good example either.

[1139] Some people really get away with it.

[1140] Like, I don't know, I have no idea if Ellen DeGeneres got work done, but she looks, can you pull up a before or after on Ellen?

[1141] I don't know if she's doing exercise or taking vitamins, but whatever it is, her face looks 20 years younger than it used to.

[1142] It's called having a billion dollars.

[1143] Yeah.

[1144] Yeah, she probably has doctors injecting fetus cells into her body on a daily basis.

[1145] And you have that kind of cash fetus cells she had some house that she just sold recently that uh you know it was like on a website that showed the house like oh my god something fucking 28 million dollar house well she bought brad pitt and uh jennifer anneson's house they they built it and then they uh look at what she used to no that's not the great example brian he just nailed it wow look what she used to you look like that's crazy but the one on the right would still be the before there's an after that shows her face much more filled out, less deep lines.

[1146] Do you work for her?

[1147] I was there the first two years of the show.

[1148] What was that like?

[1149] I won four Emmys.

[1150] That's really good.

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] What was it like, though, working there?

[1153] The Emmys are heavy and they're gold.

[1154] Says my name on them.

[1155] You don't like to talk about it.

[1156] I understand.

[1157] Made a lot of money.

[1158] I was on Italy.

[1159] Yeah, Brian was on Ellen.

[1160] He's a superhero.

[1161] Is that right?

[1162] Yeah, I was dressed up as, uh, they, they just grabbed people off of this park bench and they're like, meet at this park bench.

[1163] You hang out on park bench?

[1164] No, no, no, no. I was just, I was in Burbank.

[1165] They filmed me in Burbank.

[1166] Right.

[1167] And, uh, I was driving.

[1168] And this is when Twitter first, she first got on Twitter.

[1169] And she tweeted something like, hey, meet, meet at this bench in the next five minutes dressed up as a superhero.

[1170] So I was driving and I'm like, that's the bench.

[1171] And, like, while I was driving by.

[1172] So I just, like, pulled over real quick and, like, tried to make something out of shit that I had my car, and so I just dressed up in all blue and, like, blue scrubs.

[1173] It was my girlfriend's, like, ER scrub shit, and I made myself look like the blue guy from, what's that movie?

[1174] Avatar?

[1175] No, the dick.

[1176] No, Dr. Manhattan from the watchman.

[1177] And I even had a dick also, because I had a sleeve.

[1178] Where did you get the dick?

[1179] I had a sleeve.

[1180] I had a sleeve, and I put, like, a pillow in it to make it look like a dick.

[1181] So I, like, walked out with, like, a fake dick and stuff.

[1182] And you got on TV?

[1183] Yeah, yeah.

[1184] Very creative.

[1185] when you consider the fact that this was all constructed based on things that he had that's laying around in his car.

[1186] Right.

[1187] Use condoms, Starbucks cups.

[1188] It shows a level of commitment that neither you nor I would have forgetting on TV.

[1189] What's the payoff?

[1190] There's no payoff.

[1191] He gets to meet Ellen.

[1192] Did you see the new video Rob Ford got busted smoking crack again?

[1193] No!

[1194] That's great!

[1195] He's going to rehab now.

[1196] Well, I just love the commitment.

[1197] I love the commitment.

[1198] A drug dealer videotape.

[1199] him.

[1200] There she goes.

[1201] Dancing and then she's talking about how I just got Twitter and then I'm sitting at this Wait, why she wearing a tie?

[1202] She liked to wear ties for a while.

[1203] I'm friends with this guy also.

[1204] But she's a woman.

[1205] But she's a lesbian.

[1206] Oh.

[1207] You didn't know that?

[1208] No. Big stupid dixly.

[1209] That's you?

[1210] Yeah.

[1211] I have like a back pillow on my head.

[1212] That's such a terrible superhero.

[1213] That's the dumbest superhero ever Did you actually get to meet her in person?

[1214] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1215] And she gave me a bunch of presents.

[1216] And we were on the whole episode.

[1217] Like, she kept on going back to us.

[1218] Wow.

[1219] She does have a tie on just like a guy.

[1220] That's weird.

[1221] I still have that shirt.

[1222] My tweets are real.

[1223] What does the shirt say?

[1224] My tweets are real.

[1225] Oh, that's cool.

[1226] You know, it was great as we, they did this thing for Christmas, the 12 days of Christmas.

[1227] And so they would cut, like Oprah, like you get a car and you get a car, but every day for like 30 days.

[1228] leading up to Christmas, they gave the audience something huge.

[1229] And so as a producer, we got whatever it was every day.

[1230] So one day I'd come home with like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

[1231] The next day it was like a posturpedic mattress.

[1232] You know, it was like crazy big gifts.

[1233] You know, at the time an iPod was a big deal.

[1234] They'd just come out.

[1235] You got iPods one day, fucking TV set the next day.

[1236] Wow, that's crazy.

[1237] Yeah, there's a lot of swag.

[1238] Promoting stuff on television.

[1239] Like, if you're on television and you're promoting items, like, think of the impact it must have to have your product on the pipe.

[1240] The price is right or something like that.

[1241] That's what people understand with product placement.

[1242] It's like, you know, people probably send you shit, right?

[1243] And you talk about it on your show?

[1244] Yeah, definitely.

[1245] I mean, think about what that's worth you talking about something on the show.

[1246] More people should send you stuff.

[1247] No. I'm sending it out right now.

[1248] There's too much stuff.

[1249] But it's nice to be able to help people, too.

[1250] Like, you find out about something that you really like, get to talk about.

[1251] He's down in Chile, and they're taking, there's so much plastic in the ocean, and so they're taking it all, and the fishermen, a lot of it is fish nets, fishermen's nets, and they take it and they recycle it and make it into skateboards, and now they're selling them all over the country, so the dude's going to come in, he's sending me a skateboards, me and my son makes skateboards, so he heard about that, so he's sending me a bunch, and then he's going to come in and do the show, he's doing a tour of the U .S. selling these skateboards.

[1252] So how do they extract it from the ocean?

[1253] The fishermen collect it and bring it into the guy.

[1254] Oh, well, that's a good move.

[1255] You make it worth something like cans.

[1256] Right, exactly.

[1257] That's actually probably the smartest move when it comes to figuring out how to do that garbage patch in the middle of the Pacific.

[1258] Because if they can make it so that it's like a recyclable, like, you know, just like cans are worth X amount of dollars, if you could bring in X amount of plastic waste.

[1259] Right.

[1260] And then companies would like want to develop some sort of, that's like here's a billion dollars worth of plastic waste just floating around the ocean.

[1261] If you can figure out how to extract it, you could profit.

[1262] So they might spend millions to try to extract billions.

[1263] Right, right.

[1264] And it's also like, how do you get people to, I think it's the iPhones.

[1265] They have a covering on the face of it that's titanium or some kind of metal that's really precious.

[1266] That in Africa, it's another one of these things where there's mines where people are killing each other.

[1267] I think you're thinking of coal tan.

[1268] Is that what it is?

[1269] Yeah, it's a conductivity item, I think.

[1270] aids and conductivity.

[1271] It's inside the actual phone itself.

[1272] Yeah, they need a better program to recycle phones.

[1273] A lot of them are getting thrown out.

[1274] Yeah, no, I bet you're right, man. They also need another way to do it where they don't have to use these conflict minerals.

[1275] Yeah.

[1276] There's a phone that they came out with, so it's like a karma -free phone.

[1277] Like that was what we called it.

[1278] We started calling it the karma -free phone.

[1279] But what was the name of that phone?

[1280] It did come out.

[1281] Well, once you look it up, it was...

[1282] They should make a flip phone out of it.

[1283] Well, it was that make a flip phone.

[1284] There was a a there was a phone that it came out like a year ago but the issue about it was that it was only 3g it wasn't 4g LTE people like well I want karma but I want to get my email really quick nobody wants to give up anything man it's so funny it is funny yeah I mean we want we want it all we can't take a step back it's it's crazy and I get caught up in it I get all the latest shit Yeah, that's a good one, though.

[1285] That's a good one because it was almost like a test for the human race.

[1286] You know, it's a great Android phone.

[1287] It's very beautiful.

[1288] It's got a nice screen, but it only has 3J.

[1289] What?

[1290] Give me that one that they make with babies.

[1291] And isn't that amazing?

[1292] Because it was personal in your life.

[1293] If somebody said, if you do X, your child will be killed.

[1294] Or if you do X, somebody's going to get their arm cut off by the John Jewie somewhere in the Congo.

[1295] to get it then you wouldn't do it but yeah but somehow because it's far away place we don't take the exact connection that we know about that if you buy this product you're supporting this and somehow it doesn't mean anything to us yeah I'm talking about myself no to almost everybody if it's not as good you don't care you're like fuck it I want the best shit I've always had the best shit the best shit's always what I've been reaching for right now the best shit's here and there's this new thing it's called the fair phone why don't you play the video because they have a video on their website do you think that if you that every time you masturbated you would lose 10 minutes from your life do you think you would stop masturbating or would you do it in a controlled way or would you just say fuck it?

[1296] I think you'd say fuck it because your life without masturbating would be so frustrating it's like whatever 10 minutes you give up it's a lot of 10 minutes in a day I mean if you're a maniac and you jerk off every day five times a day you're gonna have a real problem but if you're one of those once every few day guy what are you giving up you giving up 30 minutes a month who gives a shit There - See this.

[1297] What is it saying?

[1298] We have.

[1299] But what we don't have, a clue about what's inside this stuff.

[1300] We don't know where it comes from.

[1301] Or who made it.

[1302] We know almost nothing about our stuff.

[1303] That's why we started with an alternative for the thing we can't live without.

[1304] Our phone.

[1305] We are the people of Fairphone.

[1306] Hello.

[1307] Hello.

[1308] Hello, good day.

[1309] Hi.

[1310] Good talk.

[1311] Hello.

[1312] And this, this is what we're building.

[1313] The fair phone.

[1314] As smart as other phones, but fair.

[1315] Which makes it more than a phone.

[1316] It's a beginning.

[1317] A step in the right direction.

[1318] We're making it happen.

[1319] A smartphone that's made in a way that puts people and the environment first.

[1320] Yeah, they looked happy.

[1321] We're already working hard on the first batch.

[1322] We're almost there.

[1323] And that's where you come in.

[1324] To start making them, we need you to pre -order.

[1325] Because, by buying and owning this phone, you can make a difference.

[1326] You become part of change.

[1327] Buy a phone.

[1328] Start a movement at fairphone .com.

[1329] It sounds like a good idea.

[1330] However, you're not getting my money before I see your fucking product.

[1331] Yeah, I want it reviewed before I buy it.

[1332] It's going to suck.

[1333] I'm not going to kickstarter my fucking life.

[1334] You know, like your whole life depends on your phone.

[1335] They're going to use the Android operating system, which is, you know, nice and established and it works and everything like that.

[1336] But I need to know that it's not just a terrible, horrible piece of shit before I give you money.

[1337] They need to make a prototype and put it out to the reviewers so they can let you know if it's worth your money.

[1338] Yeah, and you also, like, that's the reason why people invest in companies.

[1339] Like you bring in investors.

[1340] You don't get it from, why are getting it Kickstarter style for a phone?

[1341] That's just, that's not a smart thing for a person to invest in.

[1342] Right.

[1343] I mean, I guess the thinking behind it might be if a corporation comes in, they're going to demand that you use those metals because they want the pricing as low as possible.

[1344] And, you know, but if you...

[1345] Would they definitely, though?

[1346] I mean, it doesn't seem like, to me, that it's impossible to find an ethical company.

[1347] Right.

[1348] There's just companies out there that would look at what they're doing and say this makes sense.

[1349] I love it.

[1350] I mean, I'm watching commercials.

[1351] I'm like, I love this.

[1352] It makes you feel good.

[1353] I mean, I want to buy shit that makes me feel good.

[1354] I think a lot of people respond to that now, it is.

[1355] I wonder if it's all conflict -free, too.

[1356] I wonder if they use cold -town.

[1357] I wonder, you know, it said titanium and aluminum conflict -free, right?

[1358] That's what it said.

[1359] Well, even if it's a step in the right direction, it's worth it.

[1360] Yeah.

[1361] Well, it's nice that people are thinking that way.

[1362] And they also realize that there's a market for it.

[1363] That's the other thing that's nice.

[1364] Well, that's what blew people away with the Prius.

[1365] They had no idea it would be as successful as it was.

[1366] People felt good buying it.

[1367] I drive one, and I hate it.

[1368] I want a Mustang.

[1369] I let's drive my car.

[1370] when we leave right yeah yeah we'll drive around the neighborhood go really fast after this yes yes it'll change your life is it going to be awkward if I get an erection while we're driving no no no it'd be fine just don't beat off on my dashboards Joe would take care of that erection yeah I'll just handle it for you you're my friend this is this gonna be a good ride I had a buddy who jerked his dog off jerked his dog off with his foot and I go why he goes because he needs relief so the dog would lie on its back and he would put his foot on the dog's dick and go like this on the dog's dick and the dog is squirt all over his stomach.

[1371] You don't talk to this friend anymore, I hope.

[1372] No. Well, you know what's amazing about that is it's illegal even though the dog like my dog, every time I pet my dog, he tries to put his dick in my hand.

[1373] So who's the victim?

[1374] Who's the victim in the crime?

[1375] Is it illegal to jerk your dog out?

[1376] Fuck yeah.

[1377] Wait a minute.

[1378] Are you serious?

[1379] Yeah.

[1380] It's okay to finger, but you can't jerk it off.

[1381] Shut up.

[1382] No, but that, which means, I was thinking about this, it means that If there's a law against jerking off your dog, that means that some congressman stood on the floor and said he proposed a bill saying you can't jerk off your dog.

[1383] And every other congressman looked at him and went, this guy's jerking off his dog.

[1384] Yeah, this guy's angry.

[1385] He's angry his own instincts.

[1386] It's the only way he thinks he can stop is if there's a law against it.

[1387] Crazy son of a bitch.

[1388] What are you trying to pull?

[1389] Did you hear about that fucking KKK guy who, uh, who, uh, who's, I think.

[1390] he's one of the ones that just shot up a school recently.

[1391] It turned out that they had busted him years back with a male prostitute, a black male prostitute.

[1392] Wow.

[1393] And he's like this anti -gay KKK cat.

[1394] Probably all about family.

[1395] Because the KKK is all about family.

[1396] They'll tell you.

[1397] There's just so many people that are like that.

[1398] Just angry at it because it's in their system and they're just fighting it.

[1399] They're fighting off the gay or they're fighting off the want to fuck dogs.

[1400] Right.

[1401] There he is.

[1402] KKK Q's killer previously busted with black male prostitute Grand Dragon He killed three people outside of Jewish center in Kansas And their turn out to not even be Jewish So he failed on three counts Number one He didn't even kill the people he's supposed to hate Number two, he's fucking He could have been a hero If he'd shot real Jewish people But then he would have been rejected Because then all his brothers at the KKK know That he was fucking a black male prostitute well now they know but he's going to say that that's just propaganda that's what it is the government gay star news i know i was going to say this is the best website ever whatever you should do a segment on your show where every episode you check in on the top stories on gay star news i'm for it it's pretty smart it's way to go that that would be funny on a podcast to find some really obscure specific website and just check on it every week you know like like, you know, tulip growers .com.

[1403] We'd have to be careful with what you promote, though.

[1404] Because if gaystar news .com turned out to be, like, propaganda, like the onion for gay news.

[1405] Right.

[1406] Turn out to be satire and mean satire.

[1407] Yeah.

[1408] Yeah, there's that, there's so many of these fake news websites.

[1409] I hate, like, there's that Joe Rogan one that got banned from the UFC because you fail your drug test that's going around right now that everyone thinks it's real.

[1410] Yeah, everyone thinks it's real.

[1411] So much so that a friend of mine sent me a tax saying how much.

[1412] It was bullshit.

[1413] Like, this is crazy.

[1414] They're out of their mind.

[1415] I'm glad the guy came up with that idea, got fired.

[1416] Like, oh, Christ.

[1417] What is it?

[1418] There's a website that made a parody thing saying that I got drug tested at the UFC, and I failed my drug test, so they suspended me. Oh, no shit.

[1419] And then they fired the guy who came up with the idea to drug test me. He's now fired.

[1420] Like, the whole thing is so stupid.

[1421] It's all fake.

[1422] Someone just made it up.

[1423] But it's not even funny.

[1424] It's like, that's the thing that people are doing these days.

[1425] They just make up stories.

[1426] Like the onion will make something up, but it would be so ridiculous that it's funny.

[1427] Yeah.

[1428] But these guys aren't doing that.

[1429] They're just making up stories.

[1430] It's like they're creating a rumor.

[1431] Yeah, they call themselves a parody website, but most people don't realize it's a parody website.

[1432] So even if it says in a disclaimer, you know, everything on this site is full of shit.

[1433] Even it says that.

[1434] You don't read that.

[1435] You read the fucking story because you get a link to the story.

[1436] So you click on the link, you go to it.

[1437] You go, oh, my God, I can't believe they would do this.

[1438] You send it to a million other people.

[1439] They send it to a million other people.

[1440] You read it on your phone.

[1441] And you're never getting the context of it.

[1442] You're never seeing the disclaimer.

[1443] Even if somebody Googles Joe Rogan and UFC, that might lead them to that, right to the article.

[1444] Probably been seen by hundreds of thousands of people already.

[1445] Jesus Christ.

[1446] And passed on, I mean, it hit me on Twitter, who knows how many times.

[1447] Did it make it into the mainstream press in any way?

[1448] No, no, no, no. It's pretty obvious.

[1449] I mean, they have been duped before, you know, where people didn't do their due diligence.

[1450] But I think the mainstream press is a little bit more aware of that now, so they'll go and look at the source and then say, oh, look, this is a parody site.

[1451] People look for a parody site, like, right away now.

[1452] CNN's been duped.

[1453] It seems like weekly they get fucking caught on something.

[1454] I remember with the Boston bombing, remember they pointed out a suspect who was not a suspect?

[1455] Yeah.

[1456] People surrounded his house, and his name is probably still shit because people won't even forget.

[1457] They'll forget that it wasn't right.

[1458] Right.

[1459] Like, you remember that guy, the Atlanta bomber, the Olympic bomber?

[1460] Yeah.

[1461] Guy didn't do anything.

[1462] And they accused him.

[1463] of it.

[1464] He was a security guard.

[1465] They fucking ruined him.

[1466] Ruined him.

[1467] And the amount of stress that guy got because of that the hate that guy got because of that must have been unbearable.

[1468] Everywhere you go, people think you're a terrorist.

[1469] You're getting death threats on a regular basis.

[1470] Some dude is in his car right now loading up his gun, driving from Louisiana to your house because he wants to defend America.

[1471] Right.

[1472] He knows where it is.

[1473] I know where that motherfucker lives.

[1474] It's time to rock and roll.

[1475] He fucking gets in his car and starts driving to you because of CNN.

[1476] See, listening to on the radio.

[1477] Great I love.

[1478] I'm driving for Henry's wet on the wheel.

[1479] Kevin Meaney, right after 9 -11, he was at the airport in San Francisco with his wife and kid, and like his daughter ran through airport security, and she was young.

[1480] She was like three, and he went to go get her, and the police grabbed him, and he struggled, and he got arrested, and it got into the press that he was.

[1481] And you got to remember how sensitive this was.

[1482] they got you know they wrote it that he was like fucking with airport security and he got blown up it was fucking brutal it was all all over the news yeah I remember that I remember that now that you bring it up yeah that was crazy the airport security can get really wacky yeah with the rules and you know the not understanding that it's a fucking three year old right the most ridiculous thing ever like you're gonna try a person with a three year old's not gonna be a terrorist you dipshit right the average person with three year old and the three year old and the three year saying daddy?

[1483] Is that daddy?

[1484] Yeah.

[1485] Relax.

[1486] Relax.

[1487] Let the guy go back through.

[1488] Everything's going to be fun.

[1489] Yeah.

[1490] Well, it's, you know, it's getting to the point where there's, you got to have some profiling.

[1491] I mean, that's why L .L., the Israeli Airlines, never had a terrorist strike, because why don't we follow their methods, which is take a look at situations like that and put it lower on the priorities and then take people like yourself with a shaved head.

[1492] It's kind of bulky.

[1493] You've got that look in your eye and swat you down.

[1494] Profile me. You know, get a cavity search going.

[1495] I think it's the same thing that leads people to shoot dogs.

[1496] It's just an abuse of power situation.

[1497] It's the same thing where they know they can get away with it so they do it.

[1498] And they're frustrated and that role.

[1499] Just look at it.

[1500] They're patting down.

[1501] Wow.

[1502] Are you kidding me?

[1503] Oh, shit.

[1504] Oh, my God.

[1505] They're patting down these little kids.

[1506] That kids are too.

[1507] They're combing through the hair.

[1508] Look, they're looking in the hair.

[1509] God, that's not real.

[1510] It's totally real.

[1511] It's 100 % real.

[1512] They do that.

[1513] They're grabbing her ass!

[1514] Yeah, they have to make sure it's a real ass.

[1515] It could be a bomb.

[1516] Holy shit!

[1517] Yeah, look at that.

[1518] They're touching every part of the leg.

[1519] Are they middle eastern?

[1520] Is that why they're doing it?

[1521] Who knows?

[1522] They look kind of Middle Eastern.

[1523] Doesn't matter.

[1524] Doesn't matter.

[1525] People are crazy.

[1526] People are fucking crazy.

[1527] And I'm glad people make videos of this.

[1528] Yeah, that parents supposedly did this, filmed it of these two kids.

[1529] But this is going on forever.

[1530] Yep.

[1531] I've never been patting down like this.

[1532] No. So stupid.

[1533] Shut it off, man. It's making me. Usually they just grab, they don't grab your dick, but they touch you, and then they go to the, they just graze the side of your penis on the front of your leg.

[1534] To make sure it's on a bullet.

[1535] You think my penis looks like a bullet?

[1536] Like a missile.

[1537] Oh, like a missile.

[1538] Right, right, right, right, right.

[1539] Not a little bullet.

[1540] No. No. Like a fucking sausage.

[1541] He's fucking kid.

[1542] He's packing enough for the feast.

[1543] San Gennaro, you know, we go down a little litly.

[1544] We get the fucking sausage.

[1545] Yeast, the sausage, they put the peppers, you know, they got the Mona Geesh, and they took it.

[1546] The bread they use, it's like a mama used to make with the yeast infection back of Moabare Street.

[1547] Oh, no, you went with yeast infection?

[1548] Yeah.

[1549] Do you remember that fucking, that festival?

[1550] Is it a little?

[1551] It was on my block.

[1552] I lived on Mulberry Street.

[1553] That's right.

[1554] People pissing in my lobby.

[1555] I was like, I can't believe this crazy asshole lives here.

[1556] Right.

[1557] You lived, like, in the heart of Little Italy.

[1558] Right.

[1559] Between Prince and Spring on a five -story walk -up at the top.

[1560] Why did you choose to live there?

[1561] What was that about?

[1562] Well, you remember Paul Lyons, comedian Paul Lyons?

[1563] No. He had an opening.

[1564] I was moving to New York, and he said, I can sublet my unit.

[1565] And I moved in there for three months, and I fell in love with the neighborhood.

[1566] It was all, like, you know, everyone knew each other, and everybody was a character, and I met a couple nice people in the building.

[1567] So a place opened up next door, and it was a one -bedroom connected to a studio, and they'd illegally popped out the door in between.

[1568] and raised a family there for like 40 years.

[1569] And it was Tony and Gladys Raygoo.

[1570] And so they, and they, and I met them, and they were, they had a place around the corner.

[1571] Their son, Tony, who works in construction, he lives in Staten Island now, a nice house.

[1572] He bought them a condo around the, around the corner because they were too old to climb up those steps anymore.

[1573] So they're going to sublet it to me, and I mean, they sublet it like 400 bucks for this unit.

[1574] Wow.

[1575] But, but, and they were paying like 200 bucks, was rent control.

[1576] rolled and every and every maybe I was paying like 600 and every month I'd walk around the corner and I had to pay them in cash but I'd go around and first I would they'd make me a cappuccino that have canolies and I would give them $400 in cash and then when Tony would leave the room I'd give Gladys the other 200 on the side that's my bingo money Tony doesn't need to know about that no way and when I first moved in so there was two different prices it's two different prices there was a little kickback and then the place was literally one door over and upstairs from the, what was the club that Goddy belonged to?

[1577] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1578] Where he was arrested.

[1579] Yeah.

[1580] And so, so.

[1581] Social club.

[1582] Yeah, it was the, shit.

[1583] But Tony says to me, anything ever happens to you, you tell me, because, you know, I know people.

[1584] I'm not going to say who I know, but I think you know who I knew.

[1585] and uh and so like and so we i opened up that they left their furniture and it was all like literally the plastic on the couch it was uh everything had like uh for mica on it and the end table had uh an eavesdropping device on the phone and it had bullet casings whoa and it was like everything was just really fucking weird it was a ravenite the ravenite social club exactly Apparently, they were there.

[1586] The associates frequented by John Gotti and his associates in the late 1970s and 1980s.

[1587] Around 1990, Federal Bureau of Investigation was able to infiltrate the mafia using secret electronic surveillance.

[1588] You know what they did?

[1589] They couldn't bug the place itself, and then they found it.

[1590] So what they started doing was Gotti and his boys would walk up and down Mulberry Street and have conversations.

[1591] So what the FBI did was they started to.

[1592] parking cars on Mulberry Street and putting eavesdropping devices in the hubcaps of the cars.

[1593] So they would pick it up as they were moving.

[1594] They would grab the conversation.

[1595] And that's how they actually put them away.

[1596] Wow.

[1597] That's fascinating.

[1598] And every shop on the street, there was pictures of Gotti up.

[1599] They fucking love this guy.

[1600] And then at the time, there was this one dude who was, he was up on charges.

[1601] So he was trying to get an insanity plea.

[1602] So he'd walk around the neighborhood in pajamas.

[1603] Vincent the chin Gaganti Is that his name?

[1604] Yeah Yeah he Not only did they do that But when they would talk about him They would just point to their chin They would go You know it's probably a good idea But you know He's got to know about it Oh shit They would point to the chin And then they would know Who they were talking about it Wow He didn't allow anybody to use his name And he would pretend to be crazy So walk around shuffle I don't think it worked I think we're talking about him right now So Fucking we know We were pretty far on the outside.

[1605] And then there was this woman named Gina, and she had these three dogs, and she'd walk around, I mean, literally did laps of the neighborhood, just walking around, and she ran the numbers.

[1606] And if you wanted to bet on the numbers, you'd give her money, and then, you know how they picked the numbers is the last three numbers of the purse at Aqueduct the day before?

[1607] Those were the three numbers.

[1608] Wow.

[1609] And whatever it was, they paid out on it.

[1610] And she was all cash, and she would go, there was the shark bar, on the corner and that was like a main place she hung out but I mean just walking and people walking up to her shaking her hand giving her like a dollar like here's a dollar on 387 yeah my grandmother used to do that did she my grandmother went to jail for six months what because she uh she was running numbers and um they wanted her to rat out the mob she wouldn't do it she was running the numbers she was selling I mean she was moving around she was doing it for the mob but you know how it works you know they'll have someone and place bets and talk to this and Marjor wants 50 on that and Gina, you know, thinks that this is her numbers and she would collect the numbers and then she'd bring them the whole, you know, she wasn't like making a ton of money off of it but they wanted her to roll over.

[1611] Is your grandmother?

[1612] Yeah.

[1613] So my grandmother went to jail for six months.

[1614] That's hilarious.

[1615] Did you know she was in jail?

[1616] Not until later.

[1617] I was, not until I was like a teenager.

[1618] I thought that she just was visiting her on.

[1619] I was like, where's, where's, grandma's with aunt mary that was always the story so she for six months she was in the pokey she would knit fucking sweaters for the guards and shit you know right they just kept her in jail wow yeah that's hilarious pretty hard you never talked to her about it no she would have never admitted to me anyway she would my grandmother wore a wig and she was crazy yeah she was always psychic you know there was always a ghost nearby there was like there was a lot of oh she was nuts yeah she was a really eccentric woman that's a fun grandma to have, though, isn't it when you're a kid?

[1620] She had a monkey.

[1621] She did.

[1622] She had a monkey named Chi -Chi that used to live in the attic and he would bite people.

[1623] What?

[1624] Yeah, Chi -Chi would chew gum.

[1625] You'd give Chi -Chi a stick of gum.

[1626] He'd open up the gum, take it out of the wrapper, put in his mouth, chew it, and look at you all fucking crazy.

[1627] Scream if kids came near him, he'd start screaming and climb on her.

[1628] Yeah, she had a monkey.

[1629] My fucking grandfather hated that monkey.

[1630] Oh, my God.

[1631] He must have loved visiting her.

[1632] Oh, it was fascinating, but it was the main reason why I was averse to relationships.

[1633] That in my own parents' relationship, which was horrific when I was a little kid, my real dad, and my stepdad is a great guy, and he's been with me since I was like seven years old.

[1634] He's a sweetheart.

[1635] Like, he's never, never hit my mom once.

[1636] But the fights that my mom and my dad got into before my mom left when I was little, I was like five years old, we're horrific.

[1637] And I remember violence and screaming.

[1638] It was really, really hard to, like, ever think about wanting to be in a relationship because of that.

[1639] And then my grandparents had screaming at each other.

[1640] My grandparents wasn't violent, but my grandmother, they were both named Joe.

[1641] It was Josephine and my grandfather was Joseph, Giuseppe.

[1642] But, you know, in Italy, they would call them that, in America you'd call him Joseph.

[1643] But they would fucking scream at each other, scream, don't rush me, Joe!

[1644] Because my grandmother was late for everything.

[1645] He would have to tell her that something was at 2 o 'clock if it was at 6.

[1646] Yeah.

[1647] Like, this bitch was just late.

[1648] Right.

[1649] She was always, she wanted to put her wig on again.

[1650] This wig doesn't work.

[1651] I need another wig.

[1652] And she put another wig on.

[1653] It was just craziness.

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] She was always putting food together.

[1656] Like, she was a killer cook.

[1657] So she'd always, like, make homemade pasta.

[1658] And she would, like, say we all had a meet somewhere.

[1659] Like, my grandmother was just not going to be ready on time.

[1660] If there was a family gathering and everybody was meeting at 6 o 'clock, you know, my grandfather would be all frazzled and they would be screaming at each other.

[1661] Yeah.

[1662] So I would ever, I would associate relationships with screaming at each other and possibly hitting each other.

[1663] That's what I saw.

[1664] So I was like, fuck all that.

[1665] And before seven, I mean, you know this with kids.

[1666] I mean, your kids are getting to that age where it's like the learning happens in the first, like Erickson, you know, Freud.

[1667] They all say the learning happens in the first five, six years.

[1668] After that, you're just corraling them.

[1669] There's a little bit of that.

[1670] I mean, you're certainly changing the way they interact with people.

[1671] You shape it.

[1672] And I don't totally buy it.

[1673] I think there's a lot of times that's when people stop paying attention.

[1674] They have them for a first couple of years.

[1675] They do that.

[1676] And then they think, well, the kid can walk.

[1677] Yeah, the kid can talk.

[1678] And they sort of just let them walk and talk.

[1679] And, well, you know, most of their learning is done within the first couple of years.

[1680] Right.

[1681] I don't think you could say that because I've learned and grown as an adult.

[1682] Yeah, but you're an exception.

[1683] I don't know about that.

[1684] No, you really are.

[1685] I mean, I've said this before on the show.

[1686] Like, I've known you, I feel like before and after.

[1687] Not that before was bad, but your energy changed so dramatically.

[1688] And I think you're, part of it is we were young, so we were so hungry to make it, that we were just, you know, competitive.

[1689] and fucking, the anger was working in a good way.

[1690] But then you changed, and that's rare.

[1691] A lot of people don't change, most people don't change at all.

[1692] Well, I came from a crazy competitive, the world of martial arts competition, growing up doing that, like, forming my personality through high school, competing in mixed martial arts tournaments, full contact, Taekwondo tournaments and stuff.

[1693] It was just too violent and crazy.

[1694] The idea of that being what shapes your, life and then trying to interject yourself into a normal society like you're always on hair trigger you're always ready to smash things you're always ready to fight it's like it's a really weird way to develop as a human being so it took me a long time to calm that down yeah because if you were raised with that kind of anger and that kind of physical violence then the martial arts was actually taking that and putting more focus on it and developing it as opposed to developing other facets of your personality?

[1695] Sort of.

[1696] It certainly controlled it, though, too, in a way better way than just, you know, being angry, wandering through the street, like training and discipline and focus.

[1697] The character development of martial arts had a huge impact on just me moving out of where I was when I was a young boy to moving where I was as a young man. So even though I might have been more prone to having violent tendencies because of my background, it was way more in control.

[1698] because of martial arts Way more in control But it's just It wasn't just martial arts It was competing Just the The hardcore competition Of this national tournaments It's just It's really fucked with you It fucks with your brain too It wires your brain In a very strange way Because it would be Prepare for a tournament Be terrified Fight Be relieved for a little while And then okay When's the next one?

[1699] And then start being terrified Again Right Right Start the stress again, start the training again.

[1700] You know, you can't slack off, can't get injured.

[1701] You got to, you know, it was just, it was so much of it was like so much more stressful than just regular life.

[1702] But in a way it made you engage.

[1703] I mean, I think kids that come from a childhood like yours have two options.

[1704] It's fight or flight.

[1705] You either get into drugs and fucking up and rejecting everything socially.

[1706] Or you can hyper -focus it on something, which in a sense made you show up for life.

[1707] It made you engage.

[1708] Yeah, it makes you, it lets you control that thing inside of you, too.

[1709] You figure out how to discipline it.

[1710] Because if you don't, those crazy wild emotions, like a lot of people that engage in violent crime, violent activities, and make horrible mistakes socially, a lot of that is this overwhelming response, this overwhelming energy that you've developed from just being raised in a terrible environment.

[1711] And my environment was nothing compared to a lot of people's.

[1712] I mean, my environment up until I was five was pretty, violent with my mom and my dad.

[1713] Nobody hit me. You know, I was okay.

[1714] It was, it could have been way worse.

[1715] We always had food.

[1716] And then we got to live with my grandfather and my grandmother when I was five.

[1717] So I got to see that my mother was a strong woman and she set a positive example when someone's abusing you.

[1718] You don't just take it.

[1719] You get out.

[1720] It's the first time I ever saw.

[1721] She protected you and that's huge.

[1722] I think one of the most difficult things with domestic abuse is to see that your mother is not fighting back and you see that you become a victim yourself.

[1723] yes and that you feel like also you you're a vulnerable human being at that you need to be protected that's the number one thing a parent is doing and when you feel like you're not being protected your world is fucking chaos well not only that it was important to me i think to see that my mother stood up for herself yeah that she realized that this is no way to live life and no matter what a person tells you they tell you they love you and they hit you this is not love you got to get out of there and so it made sense that we left like i never felt bad that we left my dad i felt that i felt that we left my dad i felt that i I felt weird that they weren't together anymore, but I never felt like my mom did the wrong thing.

[1724] I knew she did the right thing.

[1725] Really?

[1726] Yeah, it was no doubt about it.

[1727] Even at five, I knew we had to get away from them, you know?

[1728] That's really weird because most kids, you know, that relationship of your parents being together is, it's life itself.

[1729] It is sustenance, it's food, it's protection, their units staying together.

[1730] So for you to feel otherwise is, that's very rare.

[1731] It was pretty obvious, man. When you see your dad hit your mother.

[1732] Yeah.

[1733] When you see, and I remember just, I remember what the sheets looked like on the bed.

[1734] I remember the layout of the house.

[1735] I was five.

[1736] I remember the path that I ran to get out of the kitchen when he hit her.

[1737] I remember all that shit.

[1738] My mother brought home hamburger, and she went out to get something for dinner, and my dad got upset that it was just hamburger, so he slapped her in the face.

[1739] just whacked her in the face and she dropped and I ran and, you know, I was probably around five, somewhere between four and five, I guess.

[1740] And it just, it stained my brain.

[1741] Like, I'll never forget it.

[1742] Because sometimes if you see a conflict and you walk in while the conflict is happening, you don't know what happened.

[1743] You just see violence.

[1744] You don't know why someone's hitting someone.

[1745] It's very confusing.

[1746] But when you see it from the beginning, there was no room for rationalization.

[1747] It wasn't like my mother tried to stab him and then he slapped her.

[1748] There was nothing.

[1749] There was just my mom came home.

[1750] She had hamburger.

[1751] He hit her.

[1752] He's evil.

[1753] He's evil.

[1754] He's an animal.

[1755] All I could think of as a little kid was, wow, my dad's a piece of shit, you know, and that all these ideas that you have about every kid wants to think that his dad is the greatest.

[1756] Like his dad's Superman.

[1757] His dad is the most righteous and the smartest and coolest.

[1758] But I knew my dad was a piece of shit.

[1759] Yeah.

[1760] Because my mom was, my mom was, my mom was a sweetheart.

[1761] She was just, my mom is, because of the fact, I think, that my grandparents screamed at each other all the time, like they yelled constantly.

[1762] My mom rejected that, like, wholeheartedly.

[1763] She never screams.

[1764] I don't think I've seen my mom scream in her entire life in the 60 -plus years I've known her that she's, rather been alive in the 46 that I've known her.

[1765] But she also engaged with you.

[1766] She didn't.

[1767] Yeah, she's a great mom.

[1768] She's a nice person.

[1769] She's a kind, nice person.

[1770] Well, they say a few, if you know if it no matter how bad your childhood is if your mother is strong and you have a connection with her you're you're going to be okay uh it i think it certainly uh is way better than not having that for sure but i think that not having a relationship with your father or having a terrible one can really fuck a guy up you know i know a lot of men that are grown men that will you know still complain about the relationship that they have with their father about their father did this and he didn't encourage me did that and And at a certain point in time, it's like, you've got to let all that shit go.

[1771] Like, you've got to move past that.

[1772] And it's hard to move past that if that guy's still in your life.

[1773] Yeah.

[1774] You know, I have a friend who was a bad relationship with his dad, and, you know, his dad's insulting, and his dad blames him for his own childhood.

[1775] And they have this crazy flare -ups, and then he'll cut him off and won't talk to him any more.

[1776] And then his dad will send him a long email, apologizing, and then he'll let him back in.

[1777] Yeah.

[1778] And nothing's changing.

[1779] The father's staying the same.

[1780] So it's really about your, it's always at your weakest point that you let them back in again.

[1781] Yeah, I mean, there was a divorce at an early age, and, you know, they would split time between the dad and the mom, and it's hard, you know, because my advice is, like, cut him off is cancer.

[1782] Fuck them, move, change your number, move, don't let him know.

[1783] Just get that dude out of your life.

[1784] Just, you don't need that idiot.

[1785] He's 60 fucking years old, and he's still stupid.

[1786] Yeah.

[1787] He's still some dumb asshole that ruins everything.

[1788] Just move on, man. Yeah, and not hitting is not.

[1789] coming from a place like you said you saw your mother did nothing and so you realize that anytime somebody is hitting a child or a spouse it's their own anger something's happening in their life that they're out of control and they're venting it it's not like especially hitting a kid some people well kids i love when comics talk about that like when i was a kid there was no timeouts there was a fucking smack it was a knockout there was a knockout and it was like yeah and that was really fucked up it's though they'll be nostalgic about child abuse it meant that the dad didn't know what the fuck he was doing and he was letting off steam.

[1790] It's effective.

[1791] It definitely puts you in line but it also ruins you.

[1792] It fucks your head up.

[1793] The idea that that's a beneficial thing is so stupid.

[1794] Right.

[1795] It's never good to hit kids.

[1796] Nope.

[1797] You know, but, you know, the nostalgia for shitty parenting the way their parents were raised and their parents were raised, people got to get past that.

[1798] We've got to get past all that.

[1799] That's the number one problem with humans today is they're raised poorly.

[1800] The human body and mind together as a cohesive unit is like the most complicated piece of machinery in the world and developing it is free anybody can do it there's no one can tell you how to do it and it's the most important resource in our entire society is new human beings nice human beings and they're all being developed by fucking idiots shitheads and idiots are responsible for a great percentage of the world's population like as far as like how many they're shitting out and there there is There's no training.

[1801] No training.

[1802] No, like, you know, there would be Parenthood with Keanu Reeves where he said, like, what was the famous line about, like, any asshole can, if you want to get a fishing license, you have to take a test, but any asshole can have a kid.

[1803] And it's like, it really is amazing that there is not more, and they're starting to see more and more.

[1804] I just did this benefit for this amazing place in Cleveland called the, fuck, I'll think of it.

[1805] but you they take families in when they're in crisis if the mother feels like she's going to be here she's hit her kid she doesn't want to hit him again they're about to get thrown out because they don't have rent money uh they providence house they come in and they can house the kids you know for two three months it's sort of a buffer before you go into like a homeless shelter and they give coaching to the parents here's how you deal with it when you're freaking out you think you're going to hit your kid here's some substance abuse problems here's parenting classes And at the same time, the kids are being taken care of and they're being given tools.

[1806] And it's amazing.

[1807] I know you're starting to see more and more of these kind of stopgap agencies coming up that can get in there where there's a problem and, you know, reform out the hard drive.

[1808] So that parents are getting what they should have gotten when they were younger, which is an instruction manual.

[1809] And even as they're older, it's like the amount of time that we spend doing things that are important, like food.

[1810] and exercise and making money and having a career those are all important things right we spend a tremendous amount of time doing those but managing your mind and understanding how your mind works and understanding the bad patterns that your brain can get into and giving yourself tools whether it's meditation whether it's yoga self -help books can be profound sure without a doubt without a doubt but time and focus on improving the quality of your thinking improving the quality of the way you interact, the relationships that you have with other human beings.

[1811] Time spent on that is so under -emphasized.

[1812] Right, right.

[1813] And it should be a core part of what it means to be a part of a civilization.

[1814] We should have community groups where we meet together and we all exchange ideas and re -emphasize the idea that's important to have community, re -emphasize the idea that it's important to treat each other well, to the kids should treat each other well, that all this should be passed down, that those aren't enemies out there in the street those are all your friends that we're all in this together right and a big problem is that we no longer have communities i mean you talk about italy and you know i just read this piece about these people that live really long in the small village in italy and it's not just the diet it's the fact that there's you know 200 people in the village and every day you walk to your job and you stop along the way and you talk to you know mrs margottia what's going on with your husband and there's this interconnection that makes people feel and like you said you things get in perspective and you're you know you the balance of your life is there and and when you lose that and you move to cities I mean think look at us we don't we live on the other coast from our family you know and the people I don't know the people in my neighborhood and it's just like who the fuck am I and so it's like you do have to create you have to like let's go to dinner you know let's get you know there's mommy and me groups where you know mommies and their kids that that was a really great experience for my wife having that but you know creating what what we're lacking now which is the groups of people communicating and supporting.

[1815] Without a doubt, it's one of the most important things as a human being to have.

[1816] To be like a lone wolf, every lone wolf I've met is a dick.

[1817] These guys are all dicks.

[1818] Like, that was always like the thing that everybody wanted.

[1819] The guy could just get on his motorcycle and ride across the country by himself.

[1820] He didn't need anybody.

[1821] Drive off into the sunset.

[1822] How does Kleenez would not have 100 friends?

[1823] Like, what's going on?

[1824] Why is this guy just hopping on a horse showing up in town and shooting everybody?

[1825] Because he's an asshole.

[1826] His fucking lone rider's a dickhead He's 40 years old Where's his friends The fuck's going on Yeah his horse is out front He sits down Orders a shot of whiskey Flicks a nickel on the bar Fucks a whore And leaves again What an asshole A nickel A fucking nickel For a glass of whiskey And you just dumped a hot load And that horse She's gonna have a baby Why are you riding a horse Across the country That's 2014 Where the fuck are your friends man What do you got a flip phone for?

[1827] You've got to get in touch with people, man. That's a fun thing that we always romanticize, the lone wolf.

[1828] Those guys are almost always idiots.

[1829] It's the Marlboro man. Look at them.

[1830] Smoking.

[1831] Those guys all died.

[1832] Every one of those guys in the ads died of lung cancer.

[1833] They died a bad way.

[1834] It's an awful way to die.

[1835] It's a fuck.

[1836] It's a way of saying, stay away from me. I'm blowing a fucking stinky cloud around my face.

[1837] My breath is shit.

[1838] My teeth are brown.

[1839] Attel smokes two packs a day.

[1840] Oh, that's unbelievable.

[1841] Two packs.

[1842] Yep.

[1843] That's a lot.

[1844] Stand -up's probably close.

[1845] My dad smoked three and a half packs a day.

[1846] Drop dead at 51 of a heart attack from it.

[1847] Boom.

[1848] Wow.

[1849] Three and a half packs a day.

[1850] Three and a half pack.

[1851] He used to get up in the morning.

[1852] That's like one every seven minutes or something, isn't it?

[1853] Yeah, that's what I figured out.

[1854] It's about five, seven minutes.

[1855] He would light a cigarette and smoke it on the edge of his bed, throw it in the toilet because I would always remember.

[1856] and he wouldn't flush it.

[1857] I'd come down, and there would be yellow water, and there would be a cigarette, just, you know, floating in that.

[1858] Then he would light another one.

[1859] He'd put it on the basin of the shower, get in the shower, halfway through, lean out, take a couple drags, the cigarette.

[1860] Yeah.

[1861] And he was in radio.

[1862] He would just sit there and fun.

[1863] Just when you were a kid?

[1864] Yeah, yeah.

[1865] And I had asthma as a kid.

[1866] My mother smoked a pack a day.

[1867] And this is New York.

[1868] Our windows are closed most of the year because it's cold, and they would just change.

[1869] smoke driving in the car jane smoking yeah with you in the house right right it's amazing you don't smoke i did smoke for you know you know typical teenager early 20s and then i'd asthma it would give me fucking asthma that's crazy that they would like leave you in the house with all their smoke right there's no way it gets out it just you would smoke you were smoking when you were a little kid whether you recognize it or not you were a smoker right wow and i remember we used to have to change the carpets and the and the couch every once in a while because it would It would stink from all the smoke being...

[1870] Oh, my God.

[1871] Mom's a chain smoker, dad's a chain smoker, and the kids are just suffering, and they don't even care.

[1872] Right.

[1873] They're not even paying attention to the fact they're blowing smoke on their babies.

[1874] All right.

[1875] Taking the kid to the doctor's office once a week to get shots for his asthma.

[1876] Oh, my God.

[1877] No connection there whatsoever.

[1878] That's so crazy.

[1879] Yeah, it was nuts.

[1880] That makes me sad.

[1881] That's why I try to watch Mad Men, but I get so bummed out with all the smoking.

[1882] It starts to really bother me. Wow.

[1883] Dad, what a fucking amazing trick they pulled on the American people Or people in general Get them to poison themselves Make it acceptable To not just poison themselves But poison themselves in a way where your babies get exposed To your ignorance We didn't know it was bad for you A lit flame that you're inhaling Get the fuck out of here You're smoking cools You didn't know it was bad for you My mommy smoked cools Is she black?

[1884] No, no. It's Italian though Santa Maria It's talking about marketing Look at how many black people smoke cools White people It's like you can pick a race And I can tell you what fucking cigarette they smoke Some Italian smoke cools In the 70s Yeah my mom smoked cool in the 70s You lived in the city though right Nork Yeah that's why she smoked cools That was probably a lot of people around you smoke Well it was a confused neighborhood man When it was when my grandparents My grandparents moved to this place called North 9th Street in Newark, New Jersey, which this day is more of like a South American or maybe Dominicans and some other Spanish -speaking people.

[1885] But when they first moved there, it was all Italians.

[1886] It was an Italian neighborhood.

[1887] The Italian immigrants would come in.

[1888] My grandparents came in from Italy when they were children.

[1889] Their grandparents were full -grown.

[1890] They took their family, brought them over to Italy.

[1891] So both my grandmother and my grandfather were both born in Italy on my mom's side.

[1892] And so they come over to America.

[1893] And so they come over to America.

[1894] They all moved to this North 9th Street neighborhood.

[1895] They have a family.

[1896] And then when my mom and her brothers were young, they did a thing called blockbusting.

[1897] And that's how they got people to move out of neighborhoods.

[1898] Real estate people to generate sales would sell a house to a black man. Right.

[1899] Right.

[1900] Right.

[1901] And then tell everybody, hey, the blacks are moving in.

[1902] Property values are going to go down.

[1903] You better sell now.

[1904] So people would sell in a panic.

[1905] But my grandfather was like, I like black people.

[1906] Get the fuck off my lawn.

[1907] Get me some cool.

[1908] He kicked him out of there.

[1909] My grandfather was like, that's one thing.

[1910] You know, you think of old Italian people as being racist.

[1911] My grandfather, I never saw him ever say a racist thing in his life.

[1912] Ever.

[1913] His next door neighbor was black.

[1914] There's a black family that lived next door all throughout my childhood.

[1915] This kid, I would play with him.

[1916] I would go next door and play with him.

[1917] Was this black family that moved next door.

[1918] And my grandfather and the guy who lived next door, they would hang over the fence.

[1919] You know, the guys would like sit on the fence.

[1920] They would like hang their arms over.

[1921] So what's going on?

[1922] with Bobby how's he doing?

[1923] Oh, Bobby's in school.

[1924] It was like they would have this bond.

[1925] So, like, racism to me was completely alien, but because of my grandparents.

[1926] It's actually very empowering for a child to see their parents interact with different races because you're getting different.

[1927] That child is seeing other messages out there that are racist.

[1928] And when you see your parent, you know, have a relationship, but it really makes you feel like, wow, life isn't bad.

[1929] It can be, you know, this is.

[1930] Well, there was a really poor.

[1931] neighborhood but my grandparents' neighbors were very friendly and they got along great but the neighbor on the other side was a crack dealer and uh he was a kid when i met him he was just a young kid we're around the same age black kid yeah and then when i went back um they didn't live there anymore or they did they did live there but anyway the kid next door was selling crack this was when i was like maybe in my 20s i came back to stay with my grandfather for a while when i first moved from Boston, New York, and they battering rammed his door and they fucking broke his door down like right when I was moving in.

[1932] Damn.

[1933] They broke this kid's door down to arrest him in an Audi in the driveway.

[1934] So the neighborhood changed radically.

[1935] It went from being all Italian to black and a few Italians that held out like my grandparents and then there was like this bakery that was down the corner that had been there since like 1920 that was all Italian and then you know my grandparents would walk to the bakery and get their bread every day But then they sold The black folks sold and left too And then it became like Dominicans and Puerto Ricans Right It's like sort of like Like in a lot of countries You have waves of immigrants Yeah the Dominicans have been the They're not the most recent wave Now you got Eastern Europeans coming in But I mean the When the Dominicans came in man They fucking came in You talk about Like I was born in the Bronx In this neighborhood called Throg's Neck I lived at a child.

[1936] I was like five, and that's where my mom grew up.

[1937] That's where my wife's mother went to the same high school as my mom.

[1938] Wow.

[1939] St. Helena's in the Bronx.

[1940] And it was a pocket of solidly Irish people and Italians.

[1941] And to this day, you walk through that neighborhood, it's all Irish Italians.

[1942] Still, and some Dominicans.

[1943] Wow.

[1944] They got in there.

[1945] But it's like it didn't change.

[1946] It still got like you go to the meat store, you go to the cheese shop.

[1947] all, you know, there's ice cream parlor from way back when it's all, it's like fucking Europe.

[1948] That's what the, for people don't understand, like, Spike Lee was trying to fight against gentrification in Brooklyn, you know, he was talking about how it's so crazy that, you know, they, all these people move in, and then they make these rents expensive, and the people that have lived there for years and years can't live there anymore.

[1949] Right.

[1950] And the way he's talking about, like, people are like, well, you know, do you live there anymore and he was like well I can't live there anymore because I did but people kept ringing my doorbell you know they knew where Spike Lee lived he lived in a normal place they just ring his doorbell yo Spike and he goes my wife made me leave like you could tell when he was saying that it was true he goes but I still have love for that city right but that city's like those cities especially like Brooklyn there's areas of Brooklyn they're just they're just moving people in and it becomes trendy to live in this once quaint neighborhood and then the real estate just doubles and changes Venice, right?

[1951] I've got a house in Venice the last 13 years.

[1952] And when we moved in, it was like, 10 years earlier, it was the number one homicide place in the country.

[1953] It was all gangs.

[1954] And then they got the gangs out, and they're cute houses, not big, but, you know, craftsman -style houses, but all walk streets.

[1955] So you got to, you know, a sidewalk with house on either side.

[1956] Like, Callan used to live there.

[1957] Right.

[1958] Yeah.

[1959] Exactly.

[1960] So, you know that neighbor.

[1961] It's fucking beautiful.

[1962] Great neighborhood.

[1963] And so all of a sudden, though, it's getting to the point where my buddy was renting an apartment, three -door.

[1964] down for me. And this is a guy who I lived next door to, and when I was talking about neighbors, I was friends with on Mulberry Street.

[1965] This guy, gay guy, I became really good friends with.

[1966] He moved out to Venice.

[1967] So we bought a house three doors down from him.

[1968] One of my best friends, he's got to move.

[1969] They're fucking tearing down his apartment.

[1970] They're putting up, like, luxury duplexes.

[1971] And he's like, I can't afford to live in this neighbor.

[1972] He doesn't make any money.

[1973] So he's like, I've got to move back to New York.

[1974] Wow.

[1975] Callan sold his place just when they turned, the neighborhood turned, because Google opened up an office there.

[1976] So as Google was setting up shop there, a bunch of people started looking for places to buy like executives and stuff and Calon at a really cool place.

[1977] And he made this insane profit.

[1978] He was like, just when I put it on the market, that's when the property values went crazy.

[1979] But it's still going up.

[1980] I get offers all the time.

[1981] I get unsolicited offers on my house for like two and a half times what I paid for the house.

[1982] Wow.

[1983] But I get...

[1984] You're hanging on to it.

[1985] Good for you.

[1986] Because it's got...

[1987] I think we're going to retire in that house someday.

[1988] But the front...

[1989] It's We outgrew it.

[1990] It's a, you know, there's a front house with, like, you know, a big bonus house in the back.

[1991] But it's got a two -bedroom apartment above that and a studio next to it.

[1992] So we rent out three units in the house.

[1993] And that's going to put the kids through college.

[1994] And then we're going to live in it when they move out.

[1995] That's a good idea.

[1996] That's a good move.

[1997] That community, like, I have an affinity for beach communities.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] I think there's something about living near the ocean that has this sort of unspoken mellowness.

[2000] to it that just comes from being next to something so humbling.

[2001] You can't think you're really important, or you're the shit, or life is so powerful and meaningful when you're standing next to the most insane body of water known to man. Surfers really seem to be the happiest most balanced people you meet.

[2002] Their priorities just are different.

[2003] They get up early in the morning, go ride some waves, and then nothing else seems to matter.

[2004] I don't get it.

[2005] I mean, I do get it, but I'm scared of sharks.

[2006] Oh, surfing?

[2007] Yeah.

[2008] Yeah, surfing's a It's a pretty intense thing.

[2009] I mean, I've done it.

[2010] My daughter's really into it.

[2011] So we go a lot.

[2012] Really?

[2013] You go a lot.

[2014] Yeah, last summer we would go like three, four days a week.

[2015] Wow.

[2016] And she's big, fucking eight foot long board, and she's tiny.

[2017] And she gets on that, she's got great balance, and she gets on it, and she just jumps up and rides these waves.

[2018] Not, she doesn't ride the big waves.

[2019] Like, once they crash, there's like that giant foam.

[2020] She kind of rides that.

[2021] Oh, wow.

[2022] But actually riding a wave is a whole different story.

[2023] I've tried it a bunch of times.

[2024] Man, if that front tip of the board, you.

[2025] goes down you just flip and that shit's flying over your head it's like fuck this wow where do you guys go venice beach no shit straight out everybody thinks venice beach is it's got this reputation for being dirty and whatever that was years ago there's this thing called heal the bay that there's a lot of big celebrities like julie louise dryfis and uh what's her name was married to um swartzenegger maria shriver shriver they're they've been all over the shit for 20 years and years and the beaches they have a rating on them if you go to heal the bay dot com it gives a rating on the cleanliness of the water from malibu all the way down to marina del ray and venice beach a plus all the time wow that's amazing i didn't know that i had no idea does there ever any assholes surfing because that's one thing i have friends yeah there is yeah i'd say there's a lot of arguments right it's very um because it's trendy you got all these guys that these newbies come in and they get their board at Costco and they don't know what the fuck they're doing and it's all about when you drop into the wave.

[2026] If another guy's already on the wave, you can't get in his path or he's going to get fucking pissed.

[2027] And yeah, there's like fistfights out there.

[2028] Yeah, I have a friend who would go surfing there and he always tell some new story about almost getting into a fight.

[2029] Oh, it's Eddie Eft.

[2030] But Eddie Eft...

[2031] Oh, yeah, right.

[2032] He tells the story about almost getting into a fight everywhere he goes.

[2033] He'll leave the fucking supermarket.

[2034] And I'm telling this guy, fuck you and fuck your mother.

[2035] How about that?

[2036] Right, I know.

[2037] It's true.

[2038] always got a story about almost getting a fight.

[2039] Yeah, I'm like, at certain point in time, son, it might be you.

[2040] Yeah, what's the common denominator here?

[2041] A little wired, a little wired up.

[2042] Yeah.

[2043] Fucking tense young man. Right.

[2044] That's a dangerous way to go through life, man. I realize there's times where I'm fucking, I'm on my edge so hard that I'm scared because I know if somebody cuts me off or whatever that I'm going to go.

[2045] And I got to really fucking breathe.

[2046] You get the Irish temper.

[2047] I got a power of now at down.

[2048] Yeah, Eddie F's a nice guy too It doesn't make any sense He'll tell these stories And you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what?

[2049] Going on my interaction with him Which has never been anything other than pleasant and fun Like, I love hanging out with that guy I love having him on podcast Doing comedy shows with him It's always been fun He's a fun guy But he'll tell you these stories about He told me the story about a bar Where he told some woman You're the worst fucking human being I've ever met in my life I hope you die in a fire And he's saying all these horrible things and the fucking bars, patrons are chasing them out into the parking lot and like, what are you doing, Eddie?

[2050] What's going to?

[2051] What is that?

[2052] What's causing this?

[2053] Right.

[2054] I like when you see comics that are like, otherwise nice, calm, cheery comics and they can't handle hecklers and they just go to a fucking, like, remember Frank Sanarelli?

[2055] Oh, yeah.

[2056] Great comic.

[2057] One of the most underrated comics.

[2058] Talk about guys that didn't leave Boston that were phenomenal.

[2059] I mean, the timing on that guy and his writing and everything.

[2060] But he did leave for a while.

[2061] He was on Sopranos.

[2062] He was the bartender.

[2063] That's right.

[2064] But he didn't leave.

[2065] He beat him up, remember?

[2066] Yeah, I'd beat the shit out of him.

[2067] But he would snap, man. When he got heckled, that dude got dark.

[2068] And he couldn't get back into his act because when you show the crowd that side of you, you can't suddenly start talking.

[2069] And you ever notice pigeons or, nah, you just fucking almost killed somebody, Frank?

[2070] Yeah, there was some dudes that just didn't.

[2071] Not only could they not handle it, they just they're cool would just evaporate right before your eyes right you'd see what's going on really and then you couldn't you couldn't take their act seriously anymore no because it seemed like so that's not really you i want to see that other guy that guy was compelling make him funny i mean that's why people loved hicks and kinnison because they took the two things and brought them together well they figured out away right remember the hicks thing where he's some woman's heckling him in chicago and he starts screaming at her calling her look at me i'm a con it's fucking great i have carte blanche because i've got a pussy it's hilarious but screaming yeah screaming as some woman who's heckling it's a good release man anytime it happens i just make sure i tee it up if there's if some some bitch heckling me or some guy i just make sure keep giving them rope keep giving them rope so the crowd starts looking at you like hey you got to do it now and then you can just take all anger that's pent up inside of you and unleash it on this motherfucker.

[2072] That is the key, isn't it?

[2073] You got to play the bow.

[2074] You've got to pull the bow back all the way before you shoot the arrow.

[2075] If you just pull it back a little bit and shoot the arrow, they're like, oh, what'd you do?

[2076] And they're like, he's one of us.

[2077] Turn this up.

[2078] Pull it out.

[2079] Let's see you hear her.

[2080] Yeah, baby.

[2081] Thank you.

[2082] Man. Be my little echo.

[2083] You suck.

[2084] She goes.

[2085] Thank you.

[2086] My mother.

[2087] and uh you suck you fucking cunt get the fuck out of here right now get out fuck you you idiot you're everything that America should be flush down the toilet you fucking turn fuck you get out get out you fucking drunk bitch take her out take her fucking out take her somewhere that's good go see fucking Madonna you fucking idiot piece of shit I got a con and I'm dropped I can do anything a fucking idiot because I got a cunt well that's some real anger man did you see him run across the stage that was beautiful that's some real anger that was ahead of its time nobody did that back then nobody did that back then but people started doing that after that I started doing that I started going after hecklers in the audience in a better way after I saw things like that you realize that you can it doesn't have to be nice like you can get away with some shit right you know as long as it's got enough of a buildup as long as the audience is on your side yeah give it context put a black hat on that motherfucker and then pull out your revolver and just start you and the thing is is like you you have to gauge any any given interaction of the audience you gauge who the you got to fucking figure it out fast are they going to charge the stage?

[2088] Are they going to keep heckling?

[2089] Are they going to leave?

[2090] That's right.

[2091] You got attacked at stitches.

[2092] At stitches in Boston's.

[2093] You got in like a fucking...

[2094] Physically attacked.

[2095] You got a wrestling match with some dude.

[2096] Wrestling match?

[2097] No, the guy came up.

[2098] He took a swing at me. I ducked.

[2099] I hit him in the head with the microphone.

[2100] And then he was from the Israeli Army.

[2101] He was a cab driver who was there.

[2102] His name was Simpka.

[2103] I still remember that.

[2104] Because I said, you know that's the name of the village idiot in Woody Allen's movie Love and Death, right?

[2105] And so he came up And he got me in a fucking headlock And that dude was spinning me around the stage And knocking down tables I couldn't get out And the bounce you know stitches It's it's the stage is surrounded by the crowd So of course everybody stands out Because they want to see the fight And the bouncers can't get up there And so it just fucking went on for a while And then finally the bouncers came up And two of my buddies You know Mike Gibbons And they're at the bar And they're trying to get up there They can't get out there and they got him out and then the owner, you remember that guy Harry?

[2106] Harry.

[2107] Little dude, Harry.

[2108] Yeah.

[2109] He goes...

[2110] Harry and Susie.

[2111] Yeah, Harry Confort it.

[2112] He goes, okay, Fitz, you got ten minutes left.

[2113] And they reintroduce me. I'm like, what?

[2114] I think I got fucking dead.

[2115] So I go up and I get on stage and I get a standing ovation because they would have, they rather, it's Boston, they'd rather see a fight than a comedy show.

[2116] My first standing ovation in my life.

[2117] And then I went to the chiropractor, my neck was fucked.

[2118] Do you remember what you said to the audience?

[2119] Yeah, I walked up, and they clapped.

[2120] And once they calmed down, I looked around and I go, all right, who's next?

[2121] Yeah, I remember that.

[2122] I wasn't there for it, but I remember you telling me that.

[2123] And everybody else was talking about how you said that, too.

[2124] And I was like, that's hilarious.

[2125] Well, actually, Brian Frazier gave me the line.

[2126] He was in the audience.

[2127] Oh, that's hilarious.

[2128] Yeah.

[2129] Brian Frazier.

[2130] He was fucking funny, too.

[2131] Honey, shit.

[2132] He was a guy that I had to tell to stop wearing t -shirts on stage.

[2133] He was too buff.

[2134] Remember how big he was when he was doing bodybuilding?

[2135] Yeah.

[2136] He was, and he was, like, ridiculously huge.

[2137] I mean, just giant, giant arms.

[2138] And he would go on stage, and he was wearing, like, a golf shirt on, like a collared golf shirt.

[2139] I told him, I go, dude, you can't wear that.

[2140] I go, it's too distracting.

[2141] All anybody's doing is looking at the size of your fucking arms.

[2142] Right.

[2143] You're intimidating, and you're angry.

[2144] And you're like, what is this?

[2145] You're like, that's his act.

[2146] He's getting all fired up.

[2147] He's a big giant fucking arms.

[2148] Right.

[2149] He almost attacked a club owner in Vermont with me. I took him up there to Vermont.

[2150] We did a gig together, and Brian had a sore throat.

[2151] And he had a really good set, but he was real conscientious, you know, and so he was apologizing to the owner that his throat was sore.

[2152] You know, like, he was just, you know, just being a good guy, you know, feeling bad that he didn't, you know, do the performance that he wanted because his throat was a little sore.

[2153] Meanwhile, it was still great.

[2154] And so the club owner was like, relax.

[2155] Like, why are you, you know, what do you apologizing about?

[2156] Why are you complaining about it?

[2157] What are you Jewish?

[2158] Because he didn't look Jewish because Brian looked like he was Irish.

[2159] Was he Jewish?

[2160] Yes, he was Jewish.

[2161] He was his big, giant guy with blonde, curly hair.

[2162] So you didn't expect him to be Jewish, but he was Jewish.

[2163] And he was really sensitive to anti -Semitic stuff.

[2164] So this guy calls him, you know, what are you Jewish?

[2165] And he goes, I am fucking Jewish.

[2166] And he got really angry.

[2167] And, you know, he's fucking huge.

[2168] He's screaming at the guy with his hoarse voice.

[2169] I'm a fucking Jew.

[2170] I am a fucking Jew.

[2171] And it's like, whoa.

[2172] Yeah, I saw him snap a few times.

[2173] He was wired tight.

[2174] He was, yeah, he had a hair trigger.

[2175] I didn't know what was going to happen because he was like leaning over this guy's desk.

[2176] And the guy was just, you know, fat middle age, dude wasn't shape at all.

[2177] And Brian was my friend.

[2178] And I had to figure out, like, what would I do if the shit?

[2179] shit went down because he was way stronger than me Frazier was like way bigger than me so I was like this could get crazy right right what the fuck I'm gonna do but talk him out of it yeah I'm not gonna hit him you know he's my friend right I hope he doesn't kill this guy Jesus if he does that make me an accomplice like how's that work I gotta drive him home after that that makes me an accomplice taking a fugitive across state lines right he didn't do anything I mean boy he scared the fuck out of that dude that guy never expected him to be Jewish and he also never expected him to be fucking crazy either so when he's you know angry not just anti you know not just angry about the anti -semitism but like violently angry yeah plus he was he was frustrated he hadn't had a good set so he's already pissed off that was fine that was what the guy was saying but he felt bad about it he was just being conscientious right right it wasn't a bad set at all you know wasn't a set that you would ever be in there's brian holy shit yeah when i was a little kid i was so impatient i would actually just take my slinky and throw it down the stairs.

[2180] I couldn't even wait.

[2181] Get down.

[2182] See, you would never imagine that guy's Jewish.

[2183] I'd like to go to laundromats and hide in the washing machines.

[2184] Someone opens up the lid to put their clothes in.

[2185] I pop out and go, I'm using this one.

[2186] He was a funny dude.

[2187] He was.

[2188] He became a writer, I think.

[2189] Yeah, he wrote on some shows.

[2190] I think I wrote with him on one show.

[2191] But never popped as a writer.

[2192] I don't know why.

[2193] But he's doing some other shit now.

[2194] It's like, I don't know if he's doing art or he got into something else as well as comedy yeah he was always a dude with a lot other interests this guy my next door neighbor in venice this guy uh danny he became he actor one of these dudes that i'm telling you for the last 12 years he's had development deals or landed a pilot every single year good looking guy good actor funny not a stand -up but just made for sitcoms And yet hasn't really been in a show that's been on the air, really at all.

[2195] He was on one show that was on for like four or five episodes, and that's it in 12 years.

[2196] But the Czech's fucking rolling in.

[2197] So he got somehow involved, but he grew up in L .A. And he knows a lot of famous people.

[2198] I mean, he went to school with, like, you know, Jared Leto, Lido or Leto?

[2199] I'm not sure.

[2200] But he's like his best friend.

[2201] Anyway, so you know that artist Banksy?

[2202] he became the rep for Banksy's work in Los Angeles so he goes off and he is selling Banksy art to you know he's got a couple dozen big celebrities that buy art and you know the commissions on these million dollar pieces are fucking huge and then he started getting into other artists other galleries approached him he came over my house last night he's telling me all this shit and he is moving expensive art constantly And he's like, he just landed on the pilot.

[2203] He's like, eh, I hope it goes, but it doesn't mean what it used to.

[2204] That's interesting.

[2205] Yeah.

[2206] What a weird, well, it's smart to diversify, man. Hell yeah.

[2207] Especially in that business.

[2208] Hell yeah.

[2209] The business of auditioning and trying to get someone to accept you to put you on a show.

[2210] Right.

[2211] There's a reason why the culture of L .A. is so fucking wacky.

[2212] And it's not just because actors are shallow.

[2213] It's not just because the pursuit of fame is sort of frivolous.

[2214] and ultimately, like, it's a pretty selfish pursuit, right?

[2215] It's not just that.

[2216] By nature, it's promoting yourself.

[2217] Yeah, and that just encourages douchy behavior.

[2218] But then you factor in the fact they're always trying to get accepted.

[2219] So you take people who are most likely damaged, which is why they want all this additional acceptance in the first place.

[2220] Like, why do they want to be considered to be exceptional?

[2221] Or why do they want to be the one person everybody looks at when they walked on the street?

[2222] usually it's because they weren't they didn't feel like they were worth anything when they were young right so then you take that then you have them auditioning for things all the time and constantly being rejected and seeing other people get things and realizing the networking is important so you got to develop your own personality so that you you fit into the established paradigm yeah you want to be what they want you're not longer trying to be yourself yeah you have to aspire to whatever whatever political ideals that they have you have to adopt those like how many people are these buttoned down liberals in Hollywood that have literally never thought about any of the issues.

[2223] And so you have discussions with them, whether it's a discussion about affirmative action, whether it's discussion about global warming, whatever it is.

[2224] You find out how woefully uninformed they are.

[2225] And how awkward it is when you hold opinions that are different than theirs.

[2226] Because it's really about let's all sit together and pile on the right side of an issue together.

[2227] If you're not on that side, it gets fucking weird.

[2228] Yeah, it's weird.

[2229] Like that conversation we had about the owner of the Clippers, try having that shit in the lobby of the improv with a bunch of comics that are showcasing for something.

[2230] You're right.

[2231] You're right.

[2232] Yeah, without a doubt.

[2233] Yeah, you can't.

[2234] You can't.

[2235] They're all panicking.

[2236] They're all panicking.

[2237] Yeah, it really is.

[2238] It's not that the people are shallow.

[2239] It's bringing the shallow part out of people.

[2240] And it really is if you put yourself, like you move in a Colorado or you move outside of L .A. the way you did, it's a choice to try to get your balance back and try to work against what you ultimately.

[2241] uh have to feed into to some degree but if you live in like people live in hollywood i just think you don't have a fucking chance yeah you're swarmed you're you're you're in the cult of personality right middle of the wave just blah trying to keep your head above water you go to ralph to get groceries you're going to bump into another actor or an agent and you're just always thinking about what am i wearing and yeah fuck that well they're also just not that fascinating the people themselves like the pursuit of fame the ultimate pursuit of fame like what we were talking about the Kim Kardashian thing is one of the best examples because it's the ultimate pursuit of frame with no context behind it.

[2242] There's no substance.

[2243] There's no music.

[2244] There's no literature.

[2245] There's no art. There's just a person.

[2246] Just a person that's not exceptional, getting attention.

[2247] And that being the ultimate in shallow pursuits.

[2248] If you're surrounded by all that, it becomes a competitive thing where other people want to be a part of it.

[2249] They want to do the same thing.

[2250] They want to get in there too.

[2251] And if you're in that, you step into that soup, You're like, ah, there's a lot of noise.

[2252] Nothing's happening here, and the noise is contagious.

[2253] It's contagious.

[2254] Suddenly you find your values changing because the way you get to be Kim Kardashian is you make alignments with people like Paris Hilton.

[2255] I mean, that's how she got there.

[2256] They were best friends.

[2257] And then you start to realize as a person in Hollywood, every conversation you have, every relationship you have, every relationship, there's a power structure.

[2258] and somebody's trying to get something from the other person.

[2259] And you start to think that way when you're around that all the time.

[2260] You can't, especially if here's what the payoff of fame is, every person that's coming to you, you know that they have an agenda.

[2261] Yeah.

[2262] That's your life.

[2263] That's a lot of people's lives, for sure, especially if you're, like, say if you're an actor and you're in movies all the time.

[2264] Imagine if you were Brad Pitt and you go and anything you're doing.

[2265] You're running into people in various walks of life.

[2266] How many of them are bringing you scripts?

[2267] How many of them have an idea?

[2268] How many of them want you to set up a meeting for them?

[2269] How many of them want to know if you have any pull in your next film?

[2270] Like getting my brother is an actor and he's really trying hard to get his first big break.

[2271] Maybe you could put him in one of your movies.

[2272] I mean, that shit must be.

[2273] Or they just want a little piece of you.

[2274] They want to be able to take a picture.

[2275] They want a story that they're going to tell the rest of their life about when they met Brad Pitt.

[2276] It's not going to be like you meeting somebody.

[2277] on neutral ground and saying hey what's up who are you you know get to know each other no it's this is brad pitt i'm going to grab a little piece of brad pitt that i'm going to carry with me and i'm going to shit and you want and that's why people love to say brad pitt's an asshole or anyone's an asshole because that's a better story then i walked up to him on the street he was busy he took a second out he had things to do right so he moved on it's much it's a much better story to go you know he's full this was fucking asshole he ignored me and you know so So everybody's collecting those stories.

[2278] Well, there's always weak, weak people that you're going to run into that for whatever reason, choose to say that you're an asshole because of their interaction with you.

[2279] If you're a guy like a Brad Pitt and you're, you know, you have some weird magic trick where you, everywhere you go, everybody wants to pay attention to you.

[2280] And as another person who values being themselves, who thinks of themselves highly and wonders why, you know, who's fucking Brad Pitt, what's so special about him?

[2281] you know and then you meet him you're like hey Brad how you doing he's like hey like dick fucking dick thinks he's too good for us fucking dick meanwhile you're concentrating on him why you're concentrating on him because he's got some weird magic trick and you you think that magic trick should be yours right you're the one being a dick because you're walking he's having dinner with his family and you're walking up to his table that's a dick move that is a dick move that's the one time I never take pictures of people yeah I've had people do that that come to the table to take pictures move it's like come on man right that is so dushy but people don't realize it they feel like Like anybody they run into, they run into someone famous, they can imagine that that person gets run into people all day long.

[2282] Right.

[2283] They think, hey, this is my chance.

[2284] This is my big moment.

[2285] To me, Kim Kardashian.

[2286] Oh, M .G. Kim, you're one of my personal heroes.

[2287] Can I take a photo with you?

[2288] And whoever the person is, you say, yeah, you're my role model.

[2289] I'm a big fan.

[2290] I love your shoes.

[2291] You feed them whatever shit you think is going to make a connection with them.

[2292] But you're really good after shows at meeting people.

[2293] you look them in the eye, you shake their hand, you take the picture, but yet you're able to fucking keep them moving.

[2294] That's really hard, because people want to latch on.

[2295] Can I take a picture?

[2296] Give the wife the fucking camera.

[2297] She doesn't know how to work at all of a sudden.

[2298] I see your lines that shows.

[2299] You've got 50 or 100 people waiting to say hi to you, and it's hard to keep those people moving.

[2300] Sometimes it is.

[2301] The real problem is when people aren't even thinking about the other people behind them in the line.

[2302] Like there's a bunch of other people waiting and they want to tell you some story.

[2303] Like, you can't tell me that story, man. There's too many people.

[2304] Or then some people wait to the people.

[2305] the very end.

[2306] They want to be last in the line.

[2307] Yeah.

[2308] And then they want to tell you this long stupid thing, describing some project that I'm not going to invest in.

[2309] I'm like, dude, no. I'm not interested.

[2310] I'm busy.

[2311] Well, listen, you can make a lot of money.

[2312] Stop.

[2313] Stop.

[2314] I'm not doing it.

[2315] I'm not investing some fucking...

[2316] It's not happening.

[2317] So what do you do if somebody halfway through the line starts digging into a long story?

[2318] There's a lot of people behind them.

[2319] It's like, you know, you can't...

[2320] You're rude.

[2321] You're being rude to these other folks.

[2322] It's really rude.

[2323] It's not going to happen.

[2324] but it's the people that do it the people that really want to tell you the long dumb story like invest in my idea my my company my thing they're always they're always like sort of like so bullheaded and like really obsessed with getting someone else involved and whatever idea that they're pitching that they're not thinking about it they're not thinking about the other people on the line they're not thinking about you or your attention span they're thinking about their idea here's my shot let me get it out there you know i was talking the other day about this guy who gave me his fucking movie script.

[2325] He wanted me to read his movie script and then get it to producers.

[2326] You know, I really need a break and you got your break.

[2327] And I'm going, look, dude, I'm not even in the movie business.

[2328] Right.

[2329] You can't just give me scripts and tell me to read them.

[2330] I don't know you.

[2331] I don't know this script.

[2332] You're asking for an hour and a half out of a person's time.

[2333] Look, bro, it's really good.

[2334] It's really good.

[2335] Okay, then take it to a fucking book agent.

[2336] Right.

[2337] That's easy for you to say.

[2338] Right.

[2339] Okay, it's easy for me you to say, you help me. Yeah.

[2340] And also, I get people that send me pitches for sitcoms or whatever, And I always, I don't read it.

[2341] As soon as I see, that's what it is, I reply and I go, look, I'm in the Writers Guild.

[2342] I am pitching my own shit.

[2343] If this is, I didn't read it, but if it's similar to what I'm doing, I don't want to be in a position where then you're claiming that it was your idea.

[2344] Oh, of course.

[2345] So I'm very polite, but I say it's just as a rule I can't read people's pitches.

[2346] Yeah, I've talked to people who say they're suing someone because they sent them something and then this person had an idea that's similar and they started doing it.

[2347] I know they stole my idea.

[2348] And like, whoa, well, did they solicit that idea?

[2349] Right.

[2350] No, you just send it to them.

[2351] Like, what are you doing to sending people ideas?

[2352] Right.

[2353] Well, when you send it through the email, it's like you patent it.

[2354] Like, okay, all right.

[2355] That ain't the way to do it, okay?

[2356] And in this weird day and age, there's more distribution methods for ideas than ever before.

[2357] And if you have some really cool ideas, you could put your cool ideas on a website.

[2358] You know, if you want to start writing books, the best way to start writing is make a blog that people think is popular, that people like your ideas, and then sell a book from there.

[2359] Make something where people can share it to people with other people for free.

[2360] Yeah, and it's a meritocracy.

[2361] I always say this about, especially about stand -up.

[2362] If you're a funny stand -I don't want to hear anybody complain that they can't get a break or can't get seen.

[2363] If you are working hard and you're funny, you will be found because there's money in it.

[2364] There's agents and managers and producers and studios that are looking for the next fucking, you know, name a star.

[2365] There's equity in that.

[2366] So just focus on your fucking work.

[2367] And the same thing with writing.

[2368] And like you said, put it out there.

[2369] If it's good, it will be found.

[2370] And stand -up is an interesting thing for women, too, because although it's harder, I think, to be a woman and to be a stand -up comic, I think there's, like, more subjects that they have a hard time covering, that they have a hard time audience, getting the audience to accept them talking about things, like having an opinion on politics or having an opinion on certain social issues that may be controversial.

[2371] whereas a guy can maybe other guys will listen to a guy having opinions on those things before they'll listen to a woman.

[2372] But if the girl can be funny, the possibilities are giant.

[2373] Like for a really funny woman, like doors just open up.

[2374] Like there's so many really funny.

[2375] Well, look at it right now.

[2376] You look at Chelsea Handler and Whitney and what's your name of Comedy Central that has that Amy Schumer.

[2377] I mean it is a time when the industry is looking for strong female voices and they're getting ratings and once you get it you write the book you need stand -up dates you get the show I mean Whitney at one point had three fucking shows on last year Kathy Griffin the ones that were really good Sarah Silverman the ones that are really good they just become you know it's it's there's a huge market for a really funny woman there's also like their comedy relates to women in a lot of ways that our comedy's just not going to just like music just like writing, like anything else.

[2378] Like, a lot of women have a very different sense of humor than men do.

[2379] Well, and also they say that women are the ones that primarily decide when and if you're going to a comedy show and who you're going to go see.

[2380] Because think about it.

[2381] You're sitting at home on a Friday after work and your wife goes, what do you want to do tonight?

[2382] I don't know.

[2383] Well, there's this.

[2384] And then you do what she says.

[2385] I think maybe 30 % of the people that come to see me are women.

[2386] That's it?

[2387] Yeah.

[2388] Maybe.

[2389] Probably about 30 It's mostly dudes Yeah Nothing you can do about that My Comedy Central show Had one of the highest Male percentage audiences They've ever seen Well that's what the network wants 75 % men They want that Yeah You are the sought after demographic Well I think the women Is the sought after demographic too I mean look at Chelsea Handler Look at you know That's gay men That's the gay men No they both have huge gay male populations interesting.

[2390] And those guys are great because they have disposable income because majority of them don't have kids.

[2391] Right.

[2392] No babies and they don't have to impress each other the same way.

[2393] That men have to impress women.

[2394] They're both men.

[2395] Right.

[2396] Do you want to fuck?

[2397] No, I was going to ask you if you wanted to fuck.

[2398] Let's fuck.

[2399] They're both hitting on each other.

[2400] They're like fucking headbutting.

[2401] Right, right, right.

[2402] Hey, you want to fuck?

[2403] Fuck you, man. I was about to ask you.

[2404] I said it first.

[2405] I was thinking it.

[2406] You read minds.

[2407] I wonder if you get to fuck the guy if you ask first.

[2408] Maybe that's the race.

[2409] That's really, really a horrible thing to say.

[2410] It's not a horrible thing to say.

[2411] The only reason why it's a horrible thing to say is because really ultra -sensitive progressives have made such a big deal out of gay people that you think it's a horrible thing to say.

[2412] You think they do rock for scissors?

[2413] That's probably what they do.

[2414] They probably are messed up to see who gets to suck cock first.

[2415] Yeah, maybe it's like dick, condom balls.

[2416] There's nothing wrong with that idea.

[2417] And it's probably likely.

[2418] But you've got to be real sensitive about even cracking a joke about gay men, lest you be considered homophobic.

[2419] That's a weird thing, man. Just because you make fun of gay people, doesn't mean you're homophobic.

[2420] Gay people are men, and men are hilarious.

[2421] We're hilarious in our pursuit to dump loads.

[2422] Right.

[2423] You know, find people to help us release loads.

[2424] Yeah.

[2425] Help me, please.

[2426] And gay guys are just as hilarious as we are.

[2427] Well, and the beautiful thing is, like, with women, you really got to gauge their mood, their cycle, their, you know, what conversations you've had lately.

[2428] Don't be disrespectful.

[2429] Don't treat them like meat.

[2430] Men want to be treated like meat.

[2431] Treat them like meat.

[2432] There's no emotions here.

[2433] I got a sack that needs emptying and you're a human.

[2434] Let's do it.

[2435] Fuck, I wish I was gay, man. I really do.

[2436] They got holes.

[2437] You got options.

[2438] Damn.

[2439] Especially if you could date a guy who's into sports that just hangs out and then you just happen to dump loads in each other.

[2440] That's what Scott Kennedy used to always joke around about.

[2441] Yeah.

[2442] Scott Kennedy?

[2443] God bless him.

[2444] God bless him.

[2445] Rest his soul.

[2446] He used to always joke around about it.

[2447] because he was like a real, he was a gay guy, but he was like this real, like, jockish gay guy, really big, always wore a football in Texas.

[2448] Yeah.

[2449] And just gay, unabashedly gay as fuck.

[2450] And he would let the audience know, like, quite a few minutes into his act.

[2451] See if you can find any Scott Kennedy online.

[2452] He would let the audience know, like, you know, he would wait a while into his act before he ever let him know that he was gay.

[2453] And you would never, even when he would say it, you thought he was kidding at first.

[2454] It took a while to sink in.

[2455] Yeah, I saw him in Houston.

[2456] I first saw him in Houston.

[2457] He was a Houston comic.

[2458] Right.

[2459] And he was a part of that wave of really good guys that came out of a laugh stop in River Oaks.

[2460] Yeah, Sean Rouse.

[2461] Yep.

[2462] John Wesleying came out of there.

[2463] Maddie Kersh.

[2464] Yep.

[2465] There he is.

[2466] Look at that.

[2467] That guy's a gay guy.

[2468] You know?

[2469] You could be honest.

[2470] Every day at work, be like, yeah, Snickers are three for a dollar, but your fat ass doesn't eat three.

[2471] Do I have a supervisor?

[2472] Yeah, he'll be back in like an hour, so.

[2473] Tick -talk, tick -tok, you gotta go.

[2474] I read this in the paper today.

[2475] It made me feel really old.

[2476] The show Cops, the TV show Cops, has now been on the air for 20 years.

[2477] I know.

[2478] But you know why it's been on the air for 20 years?

[2479] It makes us feel better about our lives.

[2480] Don't you think?

[2481] Because I don't care how messed up your family is.

[2482] Never quite as screwed up as the people on cops, you know?

[2483] Which show is he on there?

[2484] It's obviously some television show.

[2485] Craig Ferguson.

[2486] Yeah, you can tell.

[2487] Which, by the way, he just quit.

[2488] Did you hear about that?

[2489] Ferguson just quit?

[2490] Why?

[2491] Ran out of funny.

[2492] Well, there's some real estate.

[2493] You go, I'm done.

[2494] There's some real estate out there right now, you know?

[2495] There's some empty time slots, Comedy Central, and, you know, with Letterman leaving.

[2496] You think that's why you retired to go over there?

[2497] Maybe, who knows if there's a deal in the works?

[2498] I mean, they got to replace.

[2499] a bunch of spots now, right?

[2500] Well, he does a lot of stand -up.

[2501] I know that, and he probably also makes a lot of money.

[2502] And probably, maybe he got to a certain point in time he does it wants to kick back a little bit.

[2503] I don't think he makes shit on that show either.

[2504] What?

[2505] I know that Kilbourne wasn't making shit in that time spot.

[2506] Yeah, it's a letterman -owned piece of property.

[2507] It's worldwide pants.

[2508] They control that hour after Letterman.

[2509] It's part of his deal.

[2510] When you say he wasn't making shit, like, what do you mean?

[2511] I'm talking 10 grand a week.

[2512] What?

[2513] What?

[2514] Wait a minute.

[2515] Well, when the show started out, remember when Kilbourne left, they had auditions.

[2516] Remember they rotated people in?

[2517] They had like five, six people coming.

[2518] Jeff Ross did a week.

[2519] Mike Liam Black did a week.

[2520] And Ferguson did a week.

[2521] It was like five of them.

[2522] And then they chose the host based on that.

[2523] And I happened to have I had access to what those people were being paid for that week.

[2524] And the understanding was, that's what you're going to make for the series.

[2525] And the money was like 10 grand a week.

[2526] There hadn't been some sort of renegotiation along the way.

[2527] Well, I'm sure.

[2528] He definitely has gone up, but when you start at that pay scale and, you know, the rate, I don't know what his ratings were, but, you know, you look at these, I mean, what was Letterman making a year?

[2529] 20 million?

[2530] I don't know.

[2531] I never paid attention.

[2532] Yeah.

[2533] But I bet it was a lot more than 10 grand a week.

[2534] Right.

[2535] Holy shit.

[2536] So I think he was, anytime a guy's touring on the weekends while he's got his own nationally syndicated nightly show, things are a little light.

[2537] Wow.

[2538] Doesn't he, like, live in New York also and, like, fly?

[2539] in right before the show every day and then fly backwards.

[2540] He doesn't...

[2541] What?

[2542] I heard something like he flies in.

[2543] Just don't speculate.

[2544] Yeah.

[2545] Wow.

[2546] And then he had some books that did extremely well.

[2547] Really?

[2548] Well, he's huge in, you know, the United Kingdom.

[2549] Oh, is he?

[2550] Yeah.

[2551] Always has been before?

[2552] He started out.

[2553] He was big over there.

[2554] As a comic?

[2555] Yeah.

[2556] It's a good comic.

[2557] That's interesting, man. I think he's gotten better.

[2558] I think he was...

[2559] You know, a lot of these British comics have a hard time translating to American crowds.

[2560] Yeah.

[2561] I think he made the adjustment over the few years.

[2562] Yeah, I've done gigs, like, right after he was there.

[2563] You know, like, he's done, like, some of the same theaters that I've done.

[2564] And they say, comes in, just leaves.

[2565] Does his show and bolts.

[2566] Right.

[2567] He's in right before, land, private jet, takes off afterwards.

[2568] That's what I'd do.

[2569] If I was worried, you know how hard it is, do a daily fucking show?

[2570] And then on the weekend, you're flying out.

[2571] I'd be in and out.

[2572] I mean, guys got to sleep.

[2573] Yeah.

[2574] Yeah.

[2575] That's interesting.

[2576] It's interesting because those, I think those shows, those, nightly talk shows the way in the format they're currently stuck in i think that's like it's like old movies right it's like watching like a silent movie right it's like why would anybody want to come on and talk for five minutes we'll be right back and you pray that the band plays you out why is there a band play what the fuck is going what am i you're just keeping my attention it's you got band and the band and it cuts to uh tide is the best thing I've ever had of getting the shit stains out of my diaper.

[2577] Look it.

[2578] I shit my pants.

[2579] I know.

[2580] I was thinking about that this morning.

[2581] I was thinking about Kimmel and about he's a great fucking guy and he's a friend of mine.

[2582] And I think about what he puts himself through on a weekly basis.

[2583] You've got to get there in the morning.

[2584] Starting from scratch.

[2585] You're going to do a show in eight hours that's going to be an hour long packed with jokes, topics, opinions, interviews, taped pieces.

[2586] You've got to shoot during the day.

[2587] approving stuff you've got network notes you've got i mean it goes on and on every day week after week why what the fuck that's crazy i mean it's one thing you're doing a podcast this is you with very little prep with good support and the expectation that you know what you're going to do is free and loose and honest that is so formulated it's very formulated very time intensive It requires a lot of PR, a lot of people to book things and schedule things.

[2588] You've got to get the network behind everything.

[2589] You have to have commercials.

[2590] You have to have promotion.

[2591] You have to have support.

[2592] Who's on before you?

[2593] What's your lead in?

[2594] You know, oh, well, if this guy does Kimmel, they won't let him do Fallon.

[2595] Right, right.

[2596] You've got to deal with the politics.

[2597] You're doing radio interviews around the country every day to promote the show.

[2598] I mean, I used to think that was the dream, that that was the job I wanted.

[2599] but I think I'd only want it for like a year.

[2600] I think that you could do it online.

[2601] You can do almost the exact same thing.

[2602] If you look at some of the lineups that you see, even on Letterman, you see some of the people that are on Letterman, you're like, hmm, how's that any different than a podcast?

[2603] It's really not.

[2604] I mean, occasionally they get like you two or something like that.

[2605] Right.

[2606] You know, and you can't get that.

[2607] I think probably would be really hard to get you two to play on your podcast, but it might happen.

[2608] It might happen a year from now.

[2609] I mean, look, we have Everlast plays on a podcast.

[2610] House of Paine is one of my all -time favorite rap bands.

[2611] They're coming on?

[2612] Everlast.

[2613] Everlast's been on a bunch of times.

[2614] Oh, shit.

[2615] He plays.

[2616] He plays acoustic songs on here all the time.

[2617] Wow.

[2618] So, you know, we've had a lot of, like, interesting people.

[2619] Hey, you and Dave had, like, a little feud, and then you became buddies.

[2620] Yeah, I was talking shit.

[2621] Well, I did the porn awards.

[2622] I hosted the porn awards.

[2623] It was just a dream of my mother's, and so I went off, and I was in Africa with my family.

[2624] We were in South Africa on vacation.

[2625] for like three weeks and they were staying another week and I had to go home to go I flew directly to Vegas you told the story along with the joke right and I said you said to your wife I said to my wife at the airport who's more likely they had AIDS this weekend me or you and so so I go there and I'm doing my you know you do like 10 15 minutes at the beginning and there's 5 ,000 coked up porn stars and they're all you know they got a camera in the audience and the chicks are showing their tits and you know porn stars it's all about they're Damn, and you got to make it all about you.

[2626] So it was tough.

[2627] And then I got him, and I couldn't get Dave Navarro.

[2628] He's sitting in the front row, and the dude is just like looking down, he's not making eye contact, he's got sunglasses on.

[2629] And I start to feel like it's, you know how it is a comic.

[2630] That one person's not laughing.

[2631] It bothers you.

[2632] Now make it a big celebrity, and now make it you feel like everybody's looking at him looking at you because he's a big star, and that's affecting how they're laughing.

[2633] so i go on stern the next week and i start talking about it and i i went too far i called him a douche and whatever i called him the mexican prince and uh and so anyway uh so then he went on stern and of course stern pulled up the clip and played it for dave and dave he called me a cunt and then it went i was doing corolla's podcast and i talked shit about and it went back and forth mostly mostly me and then i was uh i was a headwriter on david show the gong show and they used to bring in celebrity judges so navarro is one of the three celebrity judges it's it's triumph the insult dog comic and i forget the other guy andy dick and uh dave navarro and so before the show one of my jobs was we had jokes prepared for each of the acts that they were going to see and we would basically put them all up on the board and say who wants what they'd read them and they'd pull the index card down like all right i got this one on the guy on stilts and Andy Dick's got it.

[2634] So they're all picking the jokes and then Navarro's there and we're standing there and he's looking at the jokes and I go, if there's anything you need, he goes, oh, and I threaten to kick his ass on the air.

[2635] Oh, yeah.

[2636] And he goes, so you still want to kick my ass?

[2637] But he said it with this little glint in his eye and we both just started laughing.

[2638] Oh, that's funny.

[2639] We just laughed.

[2640] And then by the end of the show, he gave me his number.

[2641] I started texting with him.

[2642] He came on my radio show, my podcast.

[2643] and he's come back a bunch of times since the great fucking guy.

[2644] That's hilarious.

[2645] Did you apologize?

[2646] Yeah, I apologized.

[2647] Oh, that's so funny.

[2648] I said I was out of line.

[2649] He goes, you know, he goes, you know what the worst part is?

[2650] The truth is, I thought you were fucking hilarious.

[2651] I told all my friends about how funny you were.

[2652] He goes, I just, he goes, I had had a gig the night before.

[2653] I flew to Vegas.

[2654] I did red carpet all day.

[2655] And then I was so tired of that thing.

[2656] Wow.

[2657] Yeah.

[2658] Yeah.

[2659] I stopped doing that shit.

[2660] I used to fucking.

[2661] people out all the time.

[2662] It's not worth it anymore.

[2663] You're wrong most of the time.

[2664] It's also negative.

[2665] Yeah.

[2666] Just ignore them.

[2667] It's better off ignoring.

[2668] I mean, it's one thing to make fun, like if David Navarro is wearing something really silly, if he starts wearing dresses, you know, which he might.

[2669] You know, you could start mocking him.

[2670] It's nothing wrong with that.

[2671] But to just get angry, fuck that douche, like that kind of, that's encouraged in a lot of radio shows.

[2672] Like, that's a big thing with radio, like these angry callouts where people's just there's a, you know, ranting and screaming about someone who's not there and shitting all over them, unless they're really fucked up, unless there's something really wrong with them.

[2673] Right.

[2674] Or they did something really offensive.

[2675] Most of the times don't worth it.

[2676] Yeah.

[2677] And I've done it to comics, and then you're in a green room at a fucking show, you know, like an L .A. show, and you just kind of...

[2678] Like, I had an experience with a comic like that.

[2679] Yeah.

[2680] Yeah, I just...

[2681] I apologized.

[2682] Oh, and then I shit on Caratop one time on Stern.

[2683] You know when you were young coming, like when I first started doing Stern I was still like that.

[2684] You know, the shit on Carrotop, that makes me edgy.

[2685] And so I'm making fun of Caratop.

[2686] And then like, about a month later, I'm at the improv, and I'm waiting at the Valley Parking for my car.

[2687] And then he walks out, and he's waiting.

[2688] And I look at him, and he looks at me. And then I go, hey, man, I'm sorry about what I said on Stern.

[2689] And he goes, hey, don't worry about it, man. We're comics.

[2690] We just fuck around.

[2691] It's just jokes totally let me off the hook was so cool that it made me feel even worse apparently his name's scott something and he's just apparently he's just the nicest guy in the world that's fine and you get older and you realize who the fuck of my caratop is really really good at what he does like no one's doing prop shit anymore and then i watch him it's like it's clever his audience loves it he ain't taking asses out of my seats my fans aren't going to see caratop he was who cares who cares yeah yeah yeah Like, Hicks used to shit on Caratop.

[2692] Of course.

[2693] I saw Hicks do a whole bit where he started reading off of, like, who's going to be there at the upcoming, like, things on the pamphlets that they would leave on the desk.

[2694] And he picks up, he goes, oh, Caratop.

[2695] So that's for people to think Gallagher's too heady.

[2696] He goes, I like Gallagher, but I don't understand all the references.

[2697] Greg Fitzimmon's, you're Prince Among Men.

[2698] It's been a fun podcast.

[2699] We just did three hours.

[2700] Is that three?

[2701] Yep.

[2702] Can I give you some dates?

[2703] Fuck, yeah.

[2704] Are you going to give you the website first.

[2705] Oh, Fitzdog .com.

[2706] The podcast is Fitzdog Radio twice a week.

[2707] Twitter.

[2708] Twitter is at Greg Fitzschel.

[2709] And check it out.

[2710] And also got some dates.

[2711] Indianapolis, Morty's Comedy Joint is going to be May 8th through the 10th.

[2712] I did that place.

[2713] How is it?

[2714] It's a good place.

[2715] I've never done it.

[2716] Great setup.

[2717] Did you do Bob and Tom when you were in town?

[2718] Yes, I did.

[2719] I love those guys.

[2720] Nice guys.

[2721] Yeah.

[2722] Good laughers.

[2723] And then I'm going to be coming out to...

[2724] Fuck, where am I after that?

[2725] June 5th and 7th, Good Nights in Raleigh, North Carolina.

[2726] It's not Charlie Good Nights anymore.

[2727] It's Dowell's just Good Nights.

[2728] It's like John Cougar Mellencamp.

[2729] And then I'm at Foxwoods in Connecticut on June 12th through the 14.

[2730] Those are going to be the days that I call you have to try to give you emotional support because you're not going to want to do that gig.

[2731] Right.

[2732] That's a dark gig.

[2733] Casinos are dark.

[2734] That's the darkest of the dark ones.

[2735] That's the one you don't want to do.

[2736] That's the one.

[2737] Callan called me up the other day, and he was there, and he explained to me. We'll talk to him after this show.

[2738] He's coming in next.

[2739] We'll talk to him about Foxwoods.

[2740] No disrespect, Foxwoods, if you're out there.

[2741] I did it once.

[2742] I've been to fights there, too.

[2743] I'll leave it at that.

[2744] You know what I'm going to love, though?

[2745] It'll cheer me up is Addison, Texas, June 19 to the 21st.

[2746] That's a fucking room.

[2747] That's a fucking gig right there.

[2748] The Dallas Improv.

[2749] Yeah.

[2750] And then other dates coming up in Phoenix.

[2751] Seattle.

[2752] Go to the website.

[2753] What's the website again?

[2754] Fitzdog .com or Greg Fitzsimmons .com.

[2755] And also my one -hour special Life on stage is on Netflix.

[2756] Big, big positive reviews on that.

[2757] Yeah, I loved it, man. I'd listen to it in my car.

[2758] I downloaded it off of Amazon MP3.

[2759] I got it in like three minutes.

[2760] I was driving.

[2761] I listened to it home coming from the Irvine Improv one night.

[2762] It was great.

[2763] It's beautiful.

[2764] Thanks, man. Greg Fitzsimmons.

[2765] Thanks to Ting for supporting our podcast.

[2766] Go to Rogan .com.

[2767] save 25 bucks off of any of their new and awesome devices.

[2768] Thanks also to Onit .com.

[2769] Go to OnN -N -N -I -T.

[2770] Use the code word, Rogan, and save 10 % off any and all supplements.

[2771] We'll be back in, it is right now, we'll be back in about an hour and a half with Brian Cowan and Brendan Scha.

[2772] We're going to do the UFC breakdown from this past weekend's fights.

[2773] And this weekend, Friday night, the Libero Theater in Santa Barbara is sold out.

[2774] There might be some tickets available at the day.

[2775] door the day of if we release some of the comps.

[2776] But other than that, go fuck yourselves!

[2777] All right.

[2778] We love you.

[2779] Big kiss and see you soon.

[2780] God.