MFM Minisode 226

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] Oh, this is the minisode.

[3] Oh, hi.

[4] Oh, hi.

[5] Hi.

[6] Want me to go first this week?

[7] This is where we read you your emails.

[8] What's happening?

[9] You want to get right to it?

[10] No, you can fucking chat, chit chat.

[11] Been a minute.

[12] No, no, go ahead.

[13] I just meant explain what the show was.

[14] But at this point, we got to figure, most people, the odds at someone scrolling through and picking a mini sewed randomly are nil, probably.

[15] That's right.

[16] But if you don't know, if you don't know what this is, mind your own business.

[17] That's not right.

[18] I love it.

[19] Karen.

[20] It's true.

[21] It's true.

[22] It's all true.

[23] Okay.

[24] This one's called I spilled P on important paperwork of at least 20 high school classmates.

[25] I feel like I need to start by saying I had a dream the other night that Georgia invited me to her house to tell her what all her cool vintage stuff was worth because that's what I do for a living and you all thought it was so cool you did a live show from the house while I was doing it which is my dream dude come over and fucking yes George's dream is for everyone to come into her house and for all of her life to take place within the four walls of her house oh my god you just got that so right on no my dream is for like the antiques road show people to come over and be like, this is this.

[26] And how is that?

[27] Could you imagine if they were like, don't you know that this is worth $500 ,000?

[28] Oh, my God.

[29] The dream.

[30] Yes.

[31] It's the point of being a collector is to be like, turns out you have a great eye for trash.

[32] Your taste for garbage is unmatched and highly valuable.

[33] That insane thing you bought at a garage sale and couldn't afford rent because of it, turns out.

[34] it's worth something.

[35] Can I just tell you that I at a, it was like a garage sale that was truly like four doors away from my house.

[36] Oh my God.

[37] From my old house.

[38] The dream.

[39] I found a Teddy Roosevelt walking stick.

[40] So like the top of it is Teddy Roosevelt's head.

[41] Oh, it's like wasn't his.

[42] It was like.

[43] No, no. It was like and I'm like this, I would guess that this was like given away by like gas stations because it's not a quality walking stick.

[44] I think it's made a plastic.

[45] But I bought it because I was like, but I know collectors don't really care if you're a Teddy Roosevelt collector.

[46] You just want that walking stick however it was made.

[47] Totally.

[48] So that's my retirement fund.

[49] Mine is, you know, when airlines were like new and they were like fly our, you have to fly our airlines will give you shit to fly it.

[50] There was a Japanese flight that would give out these sake bottles, like a kit of them.

[51] And of course, guys, original packaging.

[52] so necessary.

[53] Oh.

[54] You know what I mean?

[55] Like it has to be.

[56] And things that are in an original box, I don't give a shit what's inside.

[57] I'll fucking buy it for the box.

[58] A box from like 1963.

[59] Oh my God.

[60] Who cares what's inside it?

[61] Old Band -Aid.

[62] It's this teal box.

[63] I did have an old Band -Aid box that I put playing cards in.

[64] My grandma's playing cards.

[65] Wow.

[66] This is going crazy.

[67] Remember when Band -Aids came in a tin?

[68] Yes.

[69] Is that what you're talking about?

[70] Yes.

[71] Yes.

[72] The coolest.

[73] The coolest.

[74] let's do what are the weirdest coolest things you found at garage sales or that you found in your aunt's basement when she passed on yes right or something that you you liked we're basically going to do a podcast of antiques road show with no one qualified we just it's all by faith worth $500 we're going to let's start the bidding what you get what you buy and then you're like it turns out it was a Kandinsky I don't know what that is Look at you.

[75] I did find in a jean and an old jean jacket I bought just a little tiny scrap of paper that said victory on it handwriting and I kept it.

[76] Like it doesn't have to be worth anything if you want to write in.

[77] It worked though.

[78] Oh no. She's crying silently, everybody.

[79] She's cried loudly silently.

[80] That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

[81] Yeah.

[82] You got some.

[83] How old were you when you got them?

[84] I was like 21 and literally couldn't afford rent.

[85] yes that was your that was the lord secretly whispering to you through jeans i bet there's i bet there's some cool person who works at a vintage shop who always checks the pockets and has found i mean tell us if you found cold hard cash right like washed rolled up you know when cash gets washed and then it gets real small and crispy there's got to be people who are just like yep found a bunch of coke bags of drugs but like but like old drugs that don't work anymore right here we go that's so if you need an explanation for what this is about we just fucking gave it to you this is if this is the first minnesota you've ever heard you're baffled you're baffled but this is but if you don't like this then you're never going to listen then goodbye can then find your own business as karen says yes okay someone spilled pee and then they want to look at my shit and then they said but i was bum because all i wanted to do is play with cookie so they didn't even want to be at my house it is so that was still that was the end of the dream Yeah, got it, got it.

[86] And then they said, is it possible to listen to too much MFM?

[87] Never.

[88] Always, never.

[89] Anyways, let's get back to my high school days, circa about 1994.

[90] All the athletes had to pass physicals in order to participate in school sports.

[91] So believe it or not, they did group physicals.

[92] That sounds completely unlikely now, like to be fair, right?

[93] Turn your head, look at the, look at your friend next to you and cough.

[94] Yeah, but also like if you have any like limp or anything wrong with you, your fucking band from school athletic.

[95] So the good old days.

[96] You had to bring your paperwork, sit in the line, take the eye test and the measurements, including weight in front of everyone else.

[97] Before being called in to the private exam room for all that other uncomfortable stuff.

[98] Oh, okay.

[99] Turn your head and cough.

[100] They did this in the theater dressing rooms.

[101] It's intimate.

[102] One larger room for the group stuff, two smaller private rooms for the exams.

[103] And you know it was also a time where it was like the doctor could just go in solo with the teenager.

[104] It didn't have to be like a nurse practitioner in there.

[105] There's problems upon problems.

[106] Thank God.

[107] The good old days were not good.

[108] Just old.

[109] Why didn't they think having your weight taken was part of the private thing?

[110] Yeah.

[111] 100%.

[112] That's no NBD.

[113] Some skinny doctor.

[114] This is shame culture.

[115] Like a bad 94, please.

[116] Okay.

[117] So yeah, picture 13 through 18 year olds all lined up along the walls of the hallway outside the main room.

[118] Once you entered the main room, they gave you a P cup that you had to, all caps, walk past 80 or so of your fellow high school schoolers with empty and return with it full.

[119] No. As if it wasn't bad enough, you were asked to place your warm and hopefully not wet.

[120] Cup of P on top of your paperwork on the table with about 20.

[121] 20 others.

[122] I was so nervous.

[123] I set my paperwork down and as I went to place my pea cup on top of it, the nurse grabbed my hand and said, not there.

[124] I freaked out and dropped the peacup.

[125] It gets worse.

[126] It always does.

[127] It's built all over the table and soaked everyone's papers.

[128] You'd think that's the worst of it, wouldn't you?

[129] Let me give you the highlights from there.

[130] one the waiting in line took a while so most kids were dropped off by their parents or drove themselves which wouldn't be a big deal except the paperwork required parent signature so there was no throwing away of these papers oh no they made a close line and all caps hung them up to dry oh sorry did it say what year this was 94 it's not like laura ingles wilde 1886 there's no excuse for this.

[131] This is like literally actionable.

[132] Entirely.

[133] Every step of this is actionable.

[134] Them sending this email to us has opened them up for a lawsuit.

[135] It's like not only have you shamed yourself but then they're hanging up it's like the scarlet letter that they're like now everyone look at what K, no full name because for obvious fucking reasons.

[136] Okay.

[137] I wonder how.

[138] It's funny that Sorry, but it's funny that the initial isn't P. Classic.

[139] Classic Karen in there with the Zingers.

[140] I had to stop you to Zing and then step back up.

[141] It was a worthwhile Zing.

[142] Then it says, I wonder how many of them, the high school students, remember, Krusty P covered physical forms that year.

[143] Am I the only one still in shock that they did that?

[144] No, we all, everyone's with you now.

[145] We're deeply in shock.

[146] Uh -huh.

[147] Two, my older brother was in the room when this happened.

[148] he had to get a physical two and at that age he was a total asshole to me this is a fucking job dude I thought he was going to rake me over the coals but instead he was grateful why because he spent the time it took them to clean up memorizing the eye chart and avoided getting glasses for another year like teenagers this was before number three this was before cell phones and texts but like old fashioned telephone were traveled by the speed of light down that mile long hallway.

[149] And guess who had a walk past every one of them when it was over?

[150] The fucking walk of shame.

[151] Like, it might as well be a spanking machine.

[152] Well, and at that point, it might as well have been that what the original, did you say the real initial is T?

[153] K. At that point, it might as well have been that K took their P cup and threw it at everybody on purpose, like a monkey.

[154] at the zoo because, right?

[155] It doesn't really matter what the accident was at that point.

[156] It's straight Hannibal Lecter's next door neighbor in South style.

[157] Migs.

[158] Migs.

[159] That's right.

[160] If you don't know we're talking about, shame on you.

[161] Number four, don't worry.

[162] I didn't have to pee in a cup again.

[163] They just stuck the test strip on the table before they clean it up.

[164] This just keeps getting better and better.

[165] Don't waste out waste.

[166] God forbid.

[167] Like, you can't pee again for another hour.

[168] So you might as well get it.

[169] So there you go.

[170] It's my all -time classic I haven't told in years.

[171] I feel like I could write a novel for you guys.

[172] I'm known for weird and crazy shit always happening to me. But since you opened it up to embarrassing moments, I couldn't hold this one back.

[173] I've written in before about my night of the bloody -faced man and the creepy neighbor that broke into my house and stole my underwear.

[174] But maybe my spilled cup of pee will be the one to make the appearance.

[175] It did.

[176] It did.

[177] okay anyway stay sexy and only spill pee when no one is watching okay okay slow clap i had to start with that one because it was just so epic it was big it was bold uh -huh and again i wanted the new people to know what this was about that's right i mean if you had to encapsulate what this podcast really is higher podcast the entire the whole thing mini maxi Many, many.

[178] It's that email right there.

[179] Thank you, Kay, for really bringing it home, for simplifying who we are deep down.

[180] Cups of peace spilled on your.

[181] Also, what grade were they in?

[182] Like, how long did that last of that's the person that peed everywhere?

[183] Well, if their older brother was there, that mean, they had to be under 17, probably.

[184] I would think, right?

[185] 13 through 18 -year -old.

[186] So, I mean, it had to be bad.

[187] Sophomore Max.

[188] Okay.

[189] Let's see.

[190] It's a high bar.

[191] It's a high bar to try to reach.

[192] I want to go ahead and thank Jay for giving me that one.

[193] What does that mean?

[194] Are you mad at him now?

[195] True love, I guess.

[196] Fine.

[197] I don't care.

[198] This subject line is hometown murder plus bonus postal worker saves the day.

[199] Cool.

[200] Hi, murder, quarantinos.

[201] Oh, fuck.

[202] Why'd that take you a year, but also good job.

[203] Someone had a lot of time to think about.

[204] Rachel just nailed it.

[205] Okay.

[206] Hi, murder quarantinos.

[207] First off, love you all so much and you make my day every time I listen.

[208] I finally found my mini episode niche when you mentioned postal worker stories and I realized I had to write in.

[209] One summer about 10 years ago, I was waitressing at a local restaurant in the evenings.

[210] So most of my mornings, I was free to do whatever I wanted.

[211] But usually you could find me working on my tan in the backyard.

[212] Looking back, I realized that covering myself in baby oil and laying in the sun for hours at a time was not the best idea for many reasons, but we won't go into that.

[213] While I was home alone most days, I never worried much because my great Pyrenees mountain dog, Baxter, who was so giant that one winter he was mistaken for a polar bear.

[214] Baxter's the same kind of dog as Gracie, which was my sister's dog when Nora was little.

[215] Remember the pictures of Nora laying on that huge dog?

[216] Oh, what angels.

[217] They're the best dogs.

[218] They're like the greatest.

[219] Companions.

[220] Yeah.

[221] And I would walk that, I would walk Gracie down to the park and little kids would run up and hug her without saying, like their parents wouldn't even know.

[222] And she would just sit down and let them do whatever they want.

[223] Oh.

[224] It was, she was the greatest.

[225] Oh, RIP Grace.

[226] Cookie just jumps at children's faces happily, but gets so excited.

[227] Well, kids and puppies.

[228] That's a good combo.

[229] Yeah.

[230] okay um so baxter never left my side because of this and because of the fact that i lived out in the middle of nowhere in northeast indiana i never worried much about being home alone while baxter had a habit of barking aggressively at noises he heard in the woods i never thought much of it until one particular day whilst i was baking in the sun i saw our mill lady coming up the driveway on a normal day she would leave the mail in the box but that day she decided to bring it to me personally and i'm so glad she did She immediately asked me if I was home alone.

[231] I said, well, technically, no, Baxter's here.

[232] And she warned me that I should go inside and lock the doors immediately.

[233] When I asked why, she proceeded to tell me that there was a murderer on the loose, possibly in the woods nearby.

[234] Apparently, meth is a big problem in our area.

[235] And earlier that morning, at a mobile home nearby, a drug deal went wrong, resulting in the drug dealer shooting another man in the chest, and immediately fleeing in a car with his friend.

[236] During the police chase, the man had.

[237] bailed out of his friend's car and ran into the woods nearby.

[238] I immediately called my friend to come over and stay with me while the police search continued and on his way to my house, he was stopped by police so that they could check and make sure the murderer was not hiding in his truck bed.

[239] Finally, in a search involving over 150 officers, they eventually caught the man in the woods just across the state line in Ohio, which means he likely passed right by our house earlier that morning and was probably the cause for Baxter's barking that day.

[240] Needless to say, this was one of the most exciting things to happen in our small town.

[241] And I was very thankful that our male lady took the extra time to drop off our mail that day to make sure I was safe.

[242] Stay sexy and always listen to your polar bear when he's trying to tell you something is happening in the woods, Rachel.

[243] Wow.

[244] The polar bear and the male lady were your heroes that day, and not to discount that the male lady was the clear winner in this competition that I've set up in my mind.

[245] The male lady didn't have to do what she did.

[246] Baxter had no choice.

[247] That's in Baxter's soul.

[248] You bark at the woods if there's a creep out in the woods.

[249] But the male lady could have been like, you're not my responsibility.

[250] And instead, she went the extra mile.

[251] Amazing.

[252] Good on her.

[253] I hope she got key to the city.

[254] Okay.

[255] Um, when my mom pursued a criminal and a high -speed chase.

[256] Yes.

[257] My favorite ladies.

[258] To provide some context, my parents live on 10 acres of land in Arizona.

[259] All our neighbors are pretty spaced out, but still within about a quarter of a mile from each other.

[260] One time as my mom left our house, she passed a car she didn't recognize that was parked close to our nearest neighbors, but thought nothing of it.

[261] We occasionally have hikers or mountain bikers out there.

[262] Realizing she had left her wallet at home, she turned around.

[263] and then saw a man quickly get in that car with things in his hands exiting my neighbor's house.

[264] And sped away.

[265] She felt something was off, so she began to follow him.

[266] And eventually, once getting off dirt roads, he realized my mom was following and began going 80 on a 50 -mile -per -hour road.

[267] That sounds like me. Mom, while on the phone with the cops, chase this man, even though they repeatedly told her not to.

[268] And in an attempt to see his face She took a dirt road that met up again With the paved road And got a look at his face Car and license number Damn mom Turns out he had entered our neighbor's house Through their doggy door Guys doggy doors are not safe And then once their dog was outside He had put bleach outside the door So their dog wouldn't enter Oh yeah isn't that weird He stole thousands of dollars of jewelry in electronics.

[269] The cops later had my mom pick a photo out of a lineup and she said without a doubt she knew it was him.

[270] Unfortunately, the jewelry was never returned as his girlfriend worked at a shop where they would melt down gold, etc. Wow.

[271] What kind of shop is that?

[272] I don't know.

[273] That doesn't sound like a shop.

[274] It sounds like an illegal operation.

[275] That sounds like something from the 1700s.

[276] Totally.

[277] Oh my God.

[278] Me. Hi, Maidie.

[279] I don't know why he's a pirate now.

[280] pour a little gold on the Barbie what yeah an Australian pirate shop we know we know your day here I go yeah but at least they caught the guy regardless of the 911 operator telling my mom not to chase what could be a dangerous criminal and then it says seriously mom what the fuck or WTF anyway shout out to my mom Kim Kim Kimberly for being such a badass stay sexy and when in doubt maybe don't chase a criminal in hot pursuit, Sydney, like from Australia, Sydney.

[281] Hey, it's a theme.

[282] Yes, don't chase anybody like in that scenario.

[283] It's really not safe.

[284] It's, I mean, who knows though?

[285] Maybe like she didn't know that there wasn't someone in the house that something had happened to them, you know, but then go check on the person instead, I guess.

[286] Just get out of the way.

[287] Here's the thing.

[288] Even it's, all of that is the best, the, the thought behind it.

[289] is wonderful, but you're in the way.

[290] And then what if those, what if those cops come and they pull a gun and you're up there going, but I'm going to make a facial ID.

[291] Like, no, go home.

[292] What if the guy has a gun?

[293] Yeah.

[294] Or what if, you know, 85 ,000 other things.

[295] 85 ,000 other things.

[296] Know your spot.

[297] Come on.

[298] Don't be a hero, Kim.

[299] Well, she already.

[300] She already did it.

[301] Okay.

[302] There were so many good ones that I keep.

[303] Every time I pick up a piece of paper, I put a star next to the horse.

[304] what I got.

[305] Then I'm like, wait, shit.

[306] Is this the one?

[307] Okay.

[308] The subject line of this one is Russian roulette, the dart edition.

[309] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Hey, all.

[310] My dad grew up with three sisters and a brother.

[311] As kids in the 40s and 50s, my dad got into all sorts of shenanigans with his brother.

[312] Like the time they smoked a cigar, trampled all the watermelons in the community garden, or set off a bomb at the seminary building.

[313] Those three things are the most epic things kids have ever done and they did them all.

[314] I'm so impressed.

[315] Singularly, it would have been a lifelong story and they were just, they were, kudos.

[316] They were getting it done.

[317] Okay.

[318] But this is the story of how they'd play Russian roulette dart style.

[319] When they moved to Utah from California, it was the first time they lived in a house with a basement.

[320] So they'd take turns standing at the top of the stairs, throwing a dart through the opening at the bottom of the stairs while the other ran across the opening.

[321] The goal for one at the top the stairs was to hit the brother running across the bottom.

[322] The brother.

[323] While the bottom brother attempted to avoid getting hit without how, how?

[324] That math doesn't add up.

[325] That math is not fucking linear.

[326] The map, that's the math of an older sibling making up a game where they get to abuse the younger sibling.

[327] but it's all within the construct of the game.

[328] Totally.

[329] Those are the rules.

[330] That's my cousin Stevie Hospital.

[331] I'd love to name check him when I get to talk about his abuse when we were children.

[332] He used to love to play baseball where it was me and my sister against him out in the farm yard.

[333] And he would be like, so when I'm up, you pitch to me. But when you're up, I pitch to you, but then I throw the ball out.

[334] at you to get you out at the basis.

[335] And we're like, okay.

[336] I mean, there's nothing else to do.

[337] It sounds legit.

[338] My cousin Mitch is that one who actually is Dr. whose podcast is coming out on network, his little brother who was just a truck.

[339] He was the one who lit his kitchen on fire.

[340] Shit.

[341] As a kid, just a troublemaker.

[342] And when the little cousins us, we would come over, the rules were hard and fast.

[343] Didn't make sense.

[344] Someone always got hurt.

[345] It always involves hitting as a, but just part of a game like do you did you ever play that game spit where you slam your hand down like on piles if the if two cards the same card oh yeah yeah yeah yeah super fun oh yeah okay so stevie when we played spit he would no matter what cards were down if you went to put your hand down would just smack your hand like it was just an excuse to hit us i thought you were going to say the game where they hold one of the young which fucking mitch definitely did this they hold the younger one down and pretend they're going to spit in their face, let the spit hang the most disgusting game.

[346] Okay.

[347] That's the worst.

[348] And my sister did that to me one time.

[349] I turned my head and the spit went into my ear.

[350] Of course it did.

[351] So I was slightly obsessed with Q -tips ever since.

[352] Anyhow.

[353] Can't get clean.

[354] Anyhow.

[355] Okay.

[356] So the good.

[357] Where the fuck were we?

[358] My dad.

[359] So the the point of the game is for the bottom brother to avoid getting hit by the brother at the top of the stairs.

[360] My dad said they often did this with a BB gun, too.

[361] Jesus.

[362] Inside downstairs.

[363] But on this particular occasion, it was a set of darts.

[364] My dad was the unlucky one at the bottom of the stairs while his younger brother was at the top.

[365] And wouldn't you know it?

[366] His little brother had been practicing.

[367] Oh, fuck.

[368] Got real good.

[369] He's like a sniper.

[370] He's been practicing.

[371] And as my dad.

[372] ran past his brother hit him with a dart one 16th of an inch away from his eye that sucker stuck straight out from the side of his face and had my dad run any slower or my uncle lopped the dart any sooner my dad could have lost an eye classic my dad passed away seven years ago but he and his brother remained best friends and loved telling us about all the experiences they had as kids anytime i'm missing my dad i give my uncle a call because they sound and act so much a lot like that's lovely anyway thanks for starting this podcast and bringing literal joy into my life i'm so glad to finally not feel like a weirdo simply because i enjoy true crime stay sexy and if you're going to play darts make sure you're the one at the top of the stairs brook wow i got to say for as big of troublemakers as my brother and sister and i were the fact that we didn't have an attic or a basement or really much free space to run in because we lived in a suburb i think we got real lucky and there's some scars that didn't ever happen because of that.

[373] Right?

[374] You had all of those things.

[375] Because you just didn't have the room to make them.

[376] Yeah.

[377] To make obstacle courses.

[378] Yes.

[379] And kind of to go like you were away from adults.

[380] So those kinds of games.

[381] Right.

[382] They always just get ratcheted up.

[383] It's never just that, you know, because we played that like that kind of baseball for a while.

[384] Then that that morphed into because the compost pile was right nearby.

[385] So then it would.

[386] turn into rotten potato baseball or rotten egg baseball.

[387] You know what I mean?

[388] Oh, my brother did once crack an egg over my head.

[389] So I get what you mean.

[390] And then there was my poor mom, my poor working mom, I think she got in trouble at work because we would just every day someone would call her crying and screaming.

[391] Oh, yes.

[392] Yes, we did that to my mom all the time too.

[393] We made her late for work every single morning and we called her constantly at the psychiatric hospital where she was just like, I can't get in.

[394] with fucking people with a pretty stressful job yeah and then we're like mom i wanted to watch this company and she turned it to what she's just like oh no kidding clean up that front room before we get home oh we need to give them i need to give my mom a break okay from what happy mother's day for all the moms out there we see yes we see you we see we see your pain but we'll never feel it No, our wombs are closed.

[395] Lights are off in our wombs.

[396] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[397] Absolutely.

[398] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[399] Exactly.

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[416] Goodbye.

[417] Okay.

[418] Meet cute from the Netherlands.

[419] Oh.

[420] Hi, furry friends.

[421] And then it says RIP Elvis.

[422] I'm a newlywed to the show.

[423] My best friend introduced me to you guys, and boy, I had no clue.

[424] I secretly was a murderino.

[425] Thanks, dude.

[426] So now I'm binging with regular laugh outbursts.

[427] Thanks.

[428] Sorry, did they refer to themselves as a newlywed to the show?

[429] Yeah.

[430] So we're all married to someone in the Netherlands?

[431] We absolutely are.

[432] In the last minisode, you asked for meet cute stories or, and then it says, M -E -A -T, meat -cute?

[433] Maybe I'm missing some USA slang as a time.

[434] dutchy butchers send us your m -a -t meat cutes have you been slicing a side of beef and someone cute walks up many years ago i was knocked off by a horse while riding on my own in the woods i broke my ankle badly and couldn't walk or get to my horse first i rang yes it was the time of flip phones thank god the owner of the horse, then my mom, then my dad.

[435] But for some reason, everyone had something better to do than respond to my calls.

[436] The next person on my mind was my ex -boyfriend, who I walked a dog with in that same area a week before.

[437] He would know where I was and find me. He answered the phone and when I said, hi, I'm knocked off the horse.

[438] I think I broke my ankle and now someone needs to come and help me. He said, have you called 911?

[439] And then it says the Dutch version of it.

[440] I laughed because I just thought somebody had to come get me. And I didn't even, I hadn't even thought about paramedics, even though my foot was standing at a 90 degree angle to my leg.

[441] Yeah.

[442] No, this is I blame adrenaline.

[443] Oh, that sweet, sweet adrenaline.

[444] He asked where I was and I said, and said he would be on his way.

[445] After that, I rang 911, but he beat them to it.

[446] He waited there with me in the woods, keeping me calm, guided the paramedics to me once they couldn't drive further and join me in the ambulance to the hospital.

[447] I had surgery and a long recovery, but he visited me almost daily to talk and laugh and just be bored with me. Fast forward to 14 years later and he still makes me laugh and is the most sweet and awesome dad to our little boy.

[448] Oh, man. Sorry for the long story.

[449] Hope it fit the criteria.

[450] Listen, there is no criteria anymore.

[451] And long stories feed our story.

[452] souls.

[453] Just a good story.

[454] That's all we want.

[455] Last but not least, thank you for normalizing psychiatric counseling.

[456] My brother has struggled with depression and addiction for over a decade while refusing professional help since he thought that was embarrassing or meant he was weak.

[457] You are making a difference.

[458] Thanks.

[459] Stay sexy and break a leg finding your true love.

[460] Love lows.

[461] That's rad.

[462] That's cute.

[463] I love that, I mean, you know, off times we break up with people for very good reasons.

[464] And sometimes you get back together for very bad reasons.

[465] Oh, amen.

[466] Just something I love to do.

[467] But I love that that was, it's almost like they went through a little test.

[468] And then it was like, yeah.

[469] And then if you call someone and they're like, call night, I thought you were going to be like call 911.

[470] And instead it was like, you didn't do the thing you should do.

[471] You're calling me smart enough to be like, let me pick up on that.

[472] Yeah.

[473] And get in there.

[474] Reliability is an amazing character trait to find in a partner.

[475] Dude.

[476] You know, it's like.

[477] Giving a shit is really key.

[478] Like truly giving a shit.

[479] And then like being there by your side in the hospital, it's just like care and reliability are beautiful things to find in a partner.

[480] And not common because these days we're also me, me, me. Totally.

[481] We're also me and meme.

[482] All those memes out there.

[483] Oh, so many narcissistic memes.

[484] All right.

[485] Okay.

[486] Your turn.

[487] Okay.

[488] This is last, right?

[489] Yes.

[490] This I really enjoyed reading.

[491] Another, this subject line is another Alaskan, another irresponsible tree climber.

[492] Hi, friends.

[493] I recently listened to the minisode written by the Alaskan who pushed your three -year -old brother out of the tree and thought of my own childhood in Alaska.

[494] I feel that this person should have gone into.

[495] greater detail about just how weird it is to grow up in Alaska.

[496] Do not correct other people's hometowns.

[497] That's one rule we have right now.

[498] Don't fucking talk shit on other people's home do.

[499] Nearly everything up here is trying to kill you in parentheses, animals, weather, weird ass dudes.

[500] And as a result, all the kids are half badass and half insane.

[501] For example, I used to mountain bike down an old power line trail to get to my friend's house about three miles away.

[502] miles.

[503] Wow.

[504] One day when I was 11 or 12 years old, I was bombing down the trail and came across a mama brown bear with two babies.

[505] A normal human being would think I am about to die.

[506] But my baby Alaskanus thought, ugh, now I have to carry my bike through the brush to get around them, which I did.

[507] But this story isn't about bears or bikes.

[508] It's about trees.

[509] In the 90s, my family bought 10 wild acres near Kine, Alaska, about two.

[510] hours away from Anchorage.

[511] We plan to eventually build a cabin, but first we needed to create a clearing by cutting down excess trees.

[512] My dad, an ex -forest ranger slash turned army ranger slash turned doctor.

[513] I guess I didn't need to say the slashes.

[514] Sorry.

[515] No, I love slashes.

[516] There'd be commas if she didn't, he or she or they didn't want you to read the slashes, you know?

[517] You know, just as a grammatically, you don't need the slashes if you're going to put the turned in there, but you know what?

[518] This is on me. Anyway.

[519] No shame.

[520] There's no shame in hometowns.

[521] Okay, so my dad, an ex -forest ranger, turned army ranger, turned doctor, needed help clearing said trees.

[522] So naturally, he taught his eight and ten -year -old daughters how to safely cut them down with a handsaw.

[523] Absolutely.

[524] I love hometown.

[525] Skills.

[526] Skills.

[527] Skills the girls need later in life.

[528] He marked which ones needed to go and left us to it.

[529] Bad idea.

[530] Yeah, just enjoy your day.

[531] I'm going to go have a fucking, what kind of hams?

[532] What kind of beer do they have, light beer do they have in Alaska?

[533] Yeah, I bet they have plenty of hams up there.

[534] Yeah, I think so.

[535] Hopefully a nice keystone.

[536] Oh.

[537] Being slightly badass, but mostly insane, we eventually got bored of cutting the trees down and decided to create a game.

[538] Oh.

[539] What is the game, you ask?

[540] Well, it went like this.

[541] Together, we'd start sawing a wedge into the tree, and once it was, quote, unquote, just right.

[542] One of us would climb up and find a secure spot to hang on.

[543] The other would then saw the rest of the tree, all caps, so the person in the tree could ride it down as it fell.

[544] I want to cry.

[545] I want to cry and cry.

[546] This was allowed to, like, this was a parent -sanctioned move.

[547] Yes.

[548] By that dad being like, good luck with your logging.

[549] eight and 10 year old child.

[550] Yeah.

[551] Here's five minutes of showing you how I'm out.

[552] Yeah.

[553] Eventually, having heard our shrills of excitement, my dad puttered back over and asked what we were doing.

[554] We explained and he looked up at me in the tree eight years old.

[555] My sister holding the saw 10 years old and said, make sure you only ride the ones that are marked and walked away.

[556] This ladies and gentlemen is an Alaskan childhood.

[557] You'll be pleased to know that my sister and I both grew up in our fully functioning human beings.

[558] Are you sure?

[559] I live in the Pacific Northwest now.

[560] And although I'm in my 30s, if I see a good climbing tree and there are many, I'll climb it.

[561] You can take the girl out of Alaska, but you can't take the Alaska out of the girl.

[562] Stay sexy and only ride the trees that are marked.

[563] Rachel.

[564] That's a beautiful metaphor for life.

[565] You know, like have fun.

[566] Be wild.

[567] But, you know, keep a safe distance from unmarked.

[568] trees.

[569] I don't know.

[570] Yeah, do your research almost like, you know, to make sure you know exactly what the shape of what you're trying to aim toward is.

[571] Yeah.

[572] Don't just do it wherever.

[573] We need your wilderness childhood stories.

[574] Please.

[575] We need them.

[576] We want them.

[577] My brother hiked to 10, hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, didn't come home to the campground until three in the morning.

[578] I wrote about it in our book.

[579] Stay sexy and don't get murdered.

[580] Is it out yet?

[581] I thought you were talking about, no, May 11th.

[582] I thought you were talking about that episode of the Brady Bunch.

[583] Oh, maybe.

[584] Asher?

[585] Did that happen to you?

[586] Are you remembering old Brady Bunches like your child?

[587] My childhood has forgotten and I put in Brady Bunch in Wonder Years.

[588] You remember when my friend's brother went to Vietnam?

[589] That was crazy.

[590] It was so sad.

[591] And then remember when he was also slightly younger and in the Princess Bride?

[592] Oh.

[593] Oh, we love him.

[594] Oh, Fred's sad.

[595] Savage.

[596] What a good -hearted person.

[597] Okay.

[598] If you want one more story each and then a few back episodes of that too, you can join the fan cult.

[599] We do many, many -sos, fan cult stories only.

[600] Thanks for listening.

[601] And stay sexy.

[602] And don't get murdered.

[603] Goodbye.

[604] Elvis, do you want a cookie?