Dana Carvey Returns

[0] My name is Dana Carvey, and I feel stupefied about being Conan's O 'Brien's best friend.

[1] What the hell happened there?

[2] You had an air bubble in your brain.

[3] Well, I was thinking best or friend.

[4] I can do it again.

[5] No, no. I like that one.

[6] Yeah.

[7] I feel stupefied.

[8] I just have a cool word.

[9] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the best.

[10] Brand new shoes Walking loose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends Because I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend joined here as always By my stalwart companions Sonam of Sessian, Sona How are you?

[11] I am doing very well And Mr. Matt Do you ever go by Matthew Or is it always Matt?

[12] It's Matt And this is I think the third or fourth time we've covered that.

[13] What about Matthias?

[14] Oh, German?

[15] Yeah.

[16] We can do that.

[17] You want to try that?

[18] Want to try Matthias?

[19] Matthias.

[20] Matthias Goli.

[21] Matthias Goli.

[22] You could be Matias Goli.

[23] That's cool.

[24] Yeah.

[25] We should discuss quickly that you've hit a milestone.

[26] Sona, your twins are now one year old.

[27] I kept my two boys alive for a year.

[28] It really does feel like that.

[29] I'm not even joking.

[30] I remembered my wife saying the same thing.

[31] about our daughter, Nev, when she hit one year old, my wife turned to me and said, I kept her alive for a year.

[32] Yeah.

[33] I completely understand that.

[34] Yeah, especially now when you're not, there's two of them, too, so you're not always looking at them.

[35] And then sometimes you'll look over and one will have a full -on twig in his mouth, just eating it or like, you know, a rock that they're just eating once.

[36] Where do they get a hold of these twigs and rocks?

[37] Are you in the house or outside of the house?

[38] We chill outside.

[39] You're feeding your kids twigs and rocks.

[40] That's not the twig I gave you to eat.

[41] One time I was in the same room with them, and they opened up the glass sliding door, and they crawled outside.

[42] And I didn't know until I heard Mikey squeal with just laughter.

[43] And I look over, and they're not in the house at all.

[44] They've just fully crawled.

[45] I was in the same room with them.

[46] So this is why I'm really excited.

[47] Then you hear a car start up.

[48] I get them alive.

[49] They hotwired.

[50] Road trip.

[51] I know.

[52] That's hilarious.

[53] It'll always make me laugh when either a little child wanders off camera and there's a pause or an animal wanders.

[54] And then you hear a car start up.

[55] It just always cracks me up when a puppy rounds the corner and then you hear a car start out.

[56] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[57] But your feelings toward Charlie haven't gotten any better.

[58] and I think that you...

[59] I have beef with Charlie, yeah.

[60] But it's been months, and he's a one -year -old.

[61] But every time you're like, how's Mikey doing?

[62] I'm like, I have two kids.

[63] I intentionally only ask how Mikey is because Charlie didn't laugh when I was doing my schick, and man, was I working it.

[64] He wasn't going for it, so I decided, all right, I'm just, we're not, this isn't happening He's dead to you.

[65] He's dead to me. He was so little.

[66] He was a little baby.

[67] So what?

[68] He dissed me, and it's up to him to make.

[69] It's up to him to settle the beer.

[70] You're going to drive to your house and settle it.

[71] Well, congratulations.

[72] That's a big deal.

[73] Thank you.

[74] Thank you very much.

[75] I know.

[76] But now they can move and walk.

[77] I remember because I remember very clearly when you told me that the babies had been born.

[78] Because in the womb, I didn't know what to call them.

[79] I called them rub and tug.

[80] You did.

[81] We've never really discussed this, but you called my babies rub and tug.

[82] Yeah, because they didn't have names yet.

[83] And then you said, I've given them these great old ancestral Armenian names.

[84] Mikey and Charlie When you guys saw them Did you just say This one's a Mikey And this one's a Charlie You had those names ready to go No no I think someone had to attack The paperwork And he panicked and just put Those two names I'm not even kidding We didn't know what we were Gonna name them And then he just wrote Those names down On the birth certificate What that's how you came up With the name I've discussed those names We talked about certain names But we hadn't settled on them And then I walked in And he's filling out paperwork And I said Are you writing names down?

[85] He goes, yeah.

[86] And I'm like, which names are you writing?

[87] He also wrote down their religion as Islam.

[88] Oh, I panicked.

[89] I just wrote Islam.

[90] Hey, for a city of birth, you wrote Akron, Ohio.

[91] I just panicked.

[92] Wait, these aren't their footprints that you put in there.

[93] I know, I panicked.

[94] I used our cat's paw print and our gerbils footprint.

[95] I just panicked.

[96] He said right here, occupation astronaut.

[97] An oil speculator.

[98] I panicked.

[99] I panicked.

[100] I thought I had to write something, so I wrote it down.

[101] I would love that if all these crucial things were handled by, hey, our kids are going to a military academy?

[102] They're only, I panicked.

[103] I just, they're going to West Point.

[104] They're five, Tack.

[105] Can you have what you got in?

[106] I panicked.

[107] I panicked.

[108] Oh, man, it is.

[109] It's fun.

[110] And Glenn's not far behind because she's exactly three months younger than the boys.

[111] Yeah, she's nine months now.

[112] Nine months.

[113] And acting every day of it.

[114] What?

[115] Well, I wasn't around for the raising of my children.

[116] No, that's probably the best.

[117] I had a career to tend to.

[118] You have a podcast to tend to.

[119] Exactly.

[120] I said, I know.

[121] drawing a little guy.

[122] You did them a service.

[123] There's a rap sign for you.

[124] Thanks a lot there, buddy.

[125] Well, we don't have a lot of time today.

[126] Right.

[127] Because our guest is so spectacular that we will not be having a little segment later.

[128] Yeah.

[129] We're going to just devote the entire podcast to this gentleman.

[130] And when I say his name, you'll understand exactly why.

[131] My guest today is an absolutely divinely hilarious comedian who was, of course, a cast member on Saturday Night Live.

[132] Now co -hosts a podcast with David Spade.

[133] called Fly on the Wall, available wherever.

[134] You get your podcast.

[135] He's also working on a new scripted podcast for Team Coco called The Weird Place.

[136] Love this, with episodes coming soon.

[137] I'm very excited.

[138] He's with us today.

[139] My good friend and always a comedic inspiration.

[140] Dana Carvey, welcome.

[141] Oh, man, I thought of this thing today.

[142] I just thought of it a minute ago.

[143] Wait, I have something I want to say.

[144] Oh, okay.

[145] FIFO Fudio Someone's got a podcast studio Oh wait My stupid meter is blowing up right now I know It was way into the red and it just blew up That's right What you think of the place we have here It's the greatest place I've been In a podcast studio I'm not kidding I'm not the lighting in here And the dark blue It's like a spaceship It's so casual There's giant windows It's over in a hidden part of L .A A shitty part of L .A so probably got it for a song.

[146] A little bit of a shit.

[147] I love shitholes.

[148] That's all I'm saying.

[149] I love the casualness of a place that needs work.

[150] It was abandoned when we found it.

[151] And we didn't even buy it.

[152] All we did was squat here.

[153] And then we got eminent domain.

[154] I saw a varmint in the garage.

[155] Careful.

[156] That guy works for us.

[157] I named it.

[158] Love it.

[159] It was like a cockcrush.

[160] It was a squirrel fucked a cockcrunch.

[161] And it looked like Johnny Sack.

[162] Do you keep up with John Levitts at all?

[163] Oh, yeah.

[164] Jealous?

[165] John is a happy guy most of time.

[166] Unless you start talking about why the liar movie didn't get made.

[167] What do you?

[168] Every other character was made into a movie except the liar.

[169] Why?

[170] He will talk.

[171] I don't know.

[172] You know why?

[173] Because it was funny.

[174] That was John.

[175] John's great thing when sketches would get cut.

[176] They don't like it.

[177] Well, really, you know, why?

[178] Why?

[179] Because it's funny.

[180] That's why they don't like it.

[181] You remember he used to come by the writers when I was working there and he would pitch us on this a catchphrase.

[182] He always wanted a new catchphrase.

[183] Oh, yeah.

[184] Do you remember what they were?

[185] Oh, God.

[186] Get to know me, right?

[187] Get to know me!

[188] Like, he had a character that would just every three seconds say, goodbye, everybody, goodbye.

[189] Yeah.

[190] Do you remember?

[191] He invented the her seat.

[192] You guys talked about this.

[193] Oh, shit, this is the problem.

[194] Goodbye, everybody, goodbye.

[195] This is the problem.

[196] It's okay, don't worry about it.

[197] Listen.

[198] I have early onset dementia.

[199] So this is brand new to me. So your name's Dana Carvey, is it?

[200] Dan Garneau last time I was time I checked.

[201] My wife and I got lost in a park in Northern California, and we got so silly that we would ask people, excuse me, we have early onset dementia.

[202] Do you know where the park is?

[203] Well, you're in the park, motherfucker.

[204] fucker doing a little Jack Nicholson here we are the god -day do you know the movie the last detail yes and the quotes from it I don't know all the quotes from it no I don't oh yeah for your listeners because I love it so much Jack Nicholson is in a bar he's a Navy Shore Patrol guy he's bringing Randy Quaid his prisoner and the bartender's giving him shit and he goes I'm going to call the Shore Patrol this is the bartender and Nicholson says we are the God damn Shore Patrol their fucker, and then he takes out this giant gun, and he says, this ain't no horse's cock!

[205] And nothing's ever better.

[206] So, my God.

[207] My friend and I, Larry Bubbles Brown, when sometimes we'll drive to gigs, touring, kind of.

[208] And we show up and sometimes they go, are you with the show?

[209] And that, we are the goddamn show, motherfucker, jack him up against the wall.

[210] Listen, squirt.

[211] And we'll do that for hours.

[212] Jack him up against the wall.

[213] And instead of a gun, what do you take out of your pocket?

[214] It's just like my hand, mime in it like I did here for you listeners, or maybe this will be a clip on YouTube.

[215] You never know.

[216] I just think of my head, clip, not a clip, clip, not a clip.

[217] I'm not at the age where cameras are friendly because it's like, is he young, is he old?

[218] You look very good.

[219] I need to look a lot older.

[220] You are, look, you have always been a very youthful looking fellow and you are proved.

[221] that how you feel influences how you look because you look very young.

[222] Thank you, Conan.

[223] You do.

[224] I met you in 88, 1988, and you were quite youthful then.

[225] You were actually quite youthful.

[226] I got carded by not a mentally ill person who spoke English at age 53.

[227] Boom, in Vegas.

[228] I had a baseball cap and a turtleneck on and asked for straight vodka and some bazooka Joe gum.

[229] No kidding.

[230] What is this guy?

[231] No, I like being older.

[232] It's better, but it'll be cool just be really old.

[233] Like just long gray hair and just be weird.

[234] Well, also, I want to be a burden on people around me. I kind of am now.

[235] But I actually do look forward to yelling at people to carry me to a toilet.

[236] You know, just really dreary.

[237] You know, looking at her.

[238] Yeah, it's going to be Sona.

[239] No. I'm busy.

[240] Sonna, I got to go number two.

[241] Sona!

[242] Oh, I'm busy that day.

[243] And then I just make my body limp and lean over a little bit like she's going to have to carry me. Oh, God.

[244] It gets twisted.

[245] My sweet mama went to the stars.

[246] She was in a play.

[247] and there was a woman in the place, and it was 10 ,000 a month.

[248] You're using all these euphemisms.

[249] She was in a place, and then she went to the stars.

[250] Yeah.

[251] When someone dies, I say they went to the stars, because, you know, we're all made of stars, which I wrote a song, called that before Moby did his song.

[252] But everything in you was a star.

[253] And then it blew up and got here.

[254] These Adams became you, and then you'll go back to being a star, and you were a star in between.

[255] Oh.

[256] Star to Star.

[257] But you guys can use it.

[258] I think it feels more positive.

[259] Oh, he went to the stars.

[260] I like it.

[261] And I've said that to people who are in mourning because I say we're all going to become stars again.

[262] I'm more of a we will molder in our graves guy, you know, that's what I am.

[263] Are you going to be, well, let's get to it.

[264] Are you going to be cremated?

[265] Because I know a guy.

[266] I got a guy with an oven.

[267] I don't want to do it just now.

[268] I like a guy.

[269] I got a guy.

[270] Does he have a crematorium?

[271] Not really.

[272] But he burns stuff and he'll burn you up.

[273] I like when people start a sentence like this.

[274] Don't take this the wrong way.

[275] But you're being a little morbid.

[276] Anyway, no, go to the stars.

[277] Listen, this has been really fun.

[278] Why are you wrapping up?

[279] Put that piece of paper away.

[280] I'm going to take that over here.

[281] I can't have paper in front of me. You're such a fidgety guy.

[282] I know.

[283] I have to say you've come a long way because the first time you and I did a podcast together.

[284] Yes.

[285] You came with all these like Venn diagrams of bits and sticks.

[286] And now that you've been doing your own podcast and you're a seasoned vet.

[287] You show up and you just are yourself, which is such a delight.

[288] Now, you were a delight last time, but you kept, before we did the podcast, you were like, which one should I do?

[289] What do you think, number seven, number 17B?

[290] Explain this to the listeners.

[291] I literally, we did the deep dives.

[292] I literally didn't know what a podcast was.

[293] And I'd been doing a lot of clubs with my kids.

[294] So I had a lot of leftover fragments, which are great for podcasting.

[295] You don't need a real beginning, middle, or end.

[296] So that's what I was doing.

[297] And then later on, I was listening to more podcasts and went, that's not what podcasting is.

[298] It's the show before the show before the show.

[299] My observation is that when you've spent years and years and years trying to think of, okay, what are we going to do?

[300] What's the order of it?

[301] We've got to rewrite it.

[302] Is it going to work?

[303] Planning, getting ready.

[304] Audience loads in.

[305] You go.

[306] You get one shot at it.

[307] And then podcasting is this whole other world.

[308] And I'm constantly saying to Matt and Son, like, okay, what are we?

[309] We're going to, let's think about what we're going to do.

[310] And they're like, no, man, you don't think about it, man. You just start talking and no one gives a shit, man. It's jazz.

[311] What is that?

[312] It's jazz, man. And he says, man. No, it's right.

[313] I mean, look, if Sinatra was around now, he would come out, you would take his hair piece off.

[314] This is the real me, kids.

[315] Right.

[316] And I'm going to talk about how I got a cyst on my ass and, you know.

[317] And all the magic would be gone.

[318] Do you want me to sing?

[319] No, we don't want you to sing.

[320] We want to know.

[321] Would you rather see Neil Young?

[322] I actually, am I rambling here?

[323] No, no. So I'm...

[324] We have a ramble light.

[325] It'll go off.

[326] And that's okay.

[327] It's a podcast.

[328] So here's what after.

[329] Yeah, man. Yeah, it's jazz.

[330] It's the words you don't say.

[331] So yeah.

[332] So I think it's the film or West.

[333] There's something.

[334] This is like in the 90s.

[335] I'm backstage or maybe the 80s.

[336] I'm in San Francisco to see Neil Young.

[337] And then I hear Dana Carvey come backstage.

[338] Oh my God.

[339] Dana Carvey, because we'd all interacted with Neil a little bit.

[340] So I go back down this long tunnel.

[341] and he's in his big motorhome and he's cooking pasta and he goes, you know, maybe you could do a few minutes, you know, because this pasta's going to kick in and a little bit.

[342] It's going to kick in.

[343] So I got to do a few minutes.

[344] So I had a bid I did in stand -up in 1980, which was you know, it's hacky, but it was fun.

[345] Neil Young sings after the gold rush, but it's a hamburger commercial.

[346] Oh, I want to hear it.

[347] Well, I dreamed I saw the golden arches in the yellow haze of the sun there were burgers frying and I ain't lying So that They said ladies and gentlemen Your hero won't be up They pushed me out Here comes Dan Agarfo And so I did that It's always No one ever gets my name right Dan Garfo Yeah It'd be like Kirkie bra bra bra So then I sang that Acapello with that go, and they're like, hey, okay, did that.

[348] I bet that killed.

[349] Don't say, uh, I bet that killed.

[350] It did, yes.

[351] Yeah, there you go.

[352] Whoops.

[353] Sorry, it's my brand.

[354] I kill.

[355] No, but then 10 years later, my kids are in school up there.

[356] And it comes up to me, hey, man, I just got this Neil Young bootleg album, man. And you're on it.

[357] So that song was recorded.

[358] I was part of a bootleg album.

[359] That's fantastic.

[360] And that is the new.

[361] Neil Young Burger King story.

[362] Whatever, McDonald's.

[363] But anyway, we'll be right back.

[364] We're here with Conan O 'Brien.

[365] This is all the game.

[366] I know that you love Kevin Nealon and one of my favorite things.

[367] Funniest guy.

[368] One of my favorite things Kevin Nealyn did on the talk show.

[369] And all the writers loved this is that he and I are talking.

[370] He's doing really well.

[371] He's killing.

[372] And then there was just a little lull.

[373] You and Nielan are very self -conscious of a lull.

[374] Like, uh -oh.

[375] Oh, there's a lull.

[376] Something has to happen.

[377] And so, you know, you'll always come up with something or say like, you know, you'll do some schick because you can't have the silence so it just gets quiet just for a fraction of a second and Neil and went, this is on the TV show, where is our waiter?

[378] Kevin has the best, driest throwaways of anybody, I think.

[379] And I'm a dancing puppy.

[380] I have to have laughs and I have to kill or I think I'll be dismissed.

[381] I have to repeat.

[382] this um there was a disease there was kind of a there was kind of a there was a there was a private uh i don't i don't think i mean there may have been cameras there but i don't think it's going to be repeated or anything but it was part of the netflix comedy festival and um they asked me to host this thing for norm macdonald and a bunch of people spoke and everyone was saying really great stuff and a lot of people were funny but man kevin he had the greatest line because we're a lot of us were talking about how brave norm was and he really was he was fearless as a comedian yeah and then uh kevin new one gets up and he says, you know, he's saying very funny things and he just says, you know, a lot of people up here are talking about how Norm McDonald was brave in his comedy.

[383] I think it more as a lack of judgment.

[384] It was just like, oh my God.

[385] That was the best line of the night.

[386] Yeah, just bad judgment, I think.

[387] Norm had that gear of not caring or wanting, like he would walk rooms.

[388] I know Larry Bubbles Brown in front of mine from North, Norm worked a bit and he could clear the room centers of the improv like at least 300 people slowly walked out so it's bravery or whatever I worked with them at the comedy store once it was just one of those nights Bill Burr was there was just a and he just said the word cock like 200 times this guy's got a cog right and a guy he just knew how funny it was to say that over and over and over and so of course the comedians love that kind of comedian.

[389] We're all dying.

[390] Right.

[391] The audience kind of, where do we go with this?

[392] And he just went, there's only one norm.

[393] I always love it when, and one of the first people I saw do this live was Gilbert Godfrey, who also sadly recently passed.

[394] God rest his soul, which I like to say that.

[395] Yeah.

[396] Well, he's a star now.

[397] He went up to the stars.

[398] Well, a good friend of mine died and he was from Brooklyn and he always used to say that.

[399] So my mother, you know, a really good friend.

[400] you know, God rest of soul.

[401] My father, God rest his soul.

[402] And I thought it was such a nice.

[403] Yeah, but what if you're talking about historical figures?

[404] You can't say like, so anyway, George Washington, God rest his soul.

[405] He's meeting with my great, great, great grandpa, and then he turns to Paul, God rest his soul.

[406] And then, of course, God rest his soul.

[407] You know, I used to, I thought of a...

[408] And Satan, you know, fuck that guy.

[409] I thought of a...

[410] That's the only one.

[411] That's the only one you can talk about.

[412] Satan, fuck that guy.

[413] Anyway, along comes Jimmy Stewart, God rest his soul.

[414] And the horse he rode in on.

[415] God rest his soul.

[416] If he had a horse.

[417] Go ahead.

[418] There was a Saturday night live sketch I never wrote, but I used to act it out all the time, which is this boxer.

[419] And he's like from Central America or something, but he's very religious.

[420] Yeah.

[421] And so he's got a fantastic, he's so fast, and he's so strong, and he's just an amazing boxer.

[422] And they're going over the tape to see why he keeps losing.

[423] And every time before he throws a right, he has to cross himself.

[424] And so it's just, and it's the guy saying, you got to stop doing that.

[425] And he's like, no, no, I can't.

[426] So every time he goes to throw a right, he has to cross himself.

[427] And then he gets nailed.

[428] That never became a sketch?

[429] No, no, there's a lot of those.

[430] There's a lot that I would just do literally in the mirror.

[431] I would do, I would do bits in the mirror.

[432] And that's actually a lot of sketches that I end up writing were things were nonsense that I would just do in the shower.

[433] Speaking of the crossing thing, I was flying with my wife's Irish nephew, and, you know, I'm a horrible flyer.

[434] I don't trust the premise, but being in a tube eight miles up.

[435] And he goes, oh, I have no fear of flying.

[436] I go, well, that's great, you know.

[437] And so we're about to go down and I see him cross himself.

[438] I go, well, what is that about?

[439] What do you got to cross himself?

[440] There are no atheists in foxholes.

[441] When push comes to shove, everybody will, if this is going to give me one, one thousandth of one percent of a chance, I'm going to cross with.

[442] How Catholic are you?

[443] It's baked into my bones.

[444] To the point that you believe in a higher power?

[445] Well, that's getting super personal.

[446] And I see what you're doing here now.

[447] Well, let me check my notes.

[448] I used to do a bit about this.

[449] I did say we all molder in our graves.

[450] Did you go every Sunday?

[451] And did you go to...

[452] Oh, that's how I was raised.

[453] I would go every Sunday.

[454] Catholic.

[455] Yeah, Catholic.

[456] And I went through the whole thing.

[457] My kids were raised Catholic.

[458] They were or they weren't?

[459] They were.

[460] Totally super Catholic.

[461] Did, but wait, were you going to church with them or were you rolling yourself a jazz cigarette out on there?

[462] Let's not get carried away here.

[463] You know, I don't do the big guy with the loincloth.

[464] So the Savior has a, looks like a surfer with a 12 -pack.

[465] Is that sort of thought about?

[466] I love it when you become, when you become Dennis Miller, it makes me so happy.

[467] It makes me happy.

[468] I actually am wittier as Dennis Miller.

[469] You know, when I was, I was scared of him at SNL.

[470] I was frightened of him because he was kind of intimidating he wasn't super warm and fuzzy and he was always sort of looking at you out of the corner of your eye like, who's this guy right here?

[471] And what was his nickname for you again?

[472] He always has a nickname, Coco.

[473] I think it was coney.

[474] I think it was like, and I think it was like, Coenzy Wonzy.

[475] And he was like, oh, Coensy Wonzy.

[476] And I would say something innocent like, oh, you know, I'd be over the craft service table and I'm like a 22 -year -old pimply kid and I'd say, um, there's extra salmon over there if anyone wants it.

[477] And he'd be like, well, he'd take.

[478] take it the wrong way.

[479] He'd think somehow that's me taking a shot at him and go like, oh, Cozy Woonsey taking a shot at old Danta, huh?

[480] Well, the Dukes come up.

[481] You know, and you're like, no, no, I'm not.

[482] I'm just trying to tell you there's Sam in here.

[483] The Duke's come up.

[484] Yeah, he was just like, nothing good happens after someone saying Coenzy Woonsey.

[485] It's like, well, well, well, well, look what we got ourselves here.

[486] But nothing good happens after that.

[487] Dennis is a brilliant comedian.

[488] Yeah, he's got crazy.

[489] It's crazier references than anyone I've ever met, the most specific references.

[490] I've mentioned the Christo one, right?

[491] I think on the podcast, did I ever mention that one?

[492] I remember when he had it for a short period of time he was doing NFL football?

[493] Oh, yeah, definitely.

[494] And he was doing color commentating on NFL football, and people were saying, is this going to work or not?

[495] Because, you know, you've got all these massive football fans, and then you've got this very intelligent comedian there doing references they may not get.

[496] So I'm there, and I'm watching football, and Al Michaels is, and they're during.

[497] talking about some player on the sidelines and they're wrapping up his foot and Al Meckles is like, oh man they're gonna, they're wrapping up his foot right now.

[498] It doesn't look too good, you know.

[499] Looks like they're gonna be down one offensive lineman or something and Dennis Brown goes like, last time I saw rapping like that, it's when Christo did the Pont Neuf.

[500] And the artist, the artist Christo who wraps things had wrapped something had, you know, he like raps in giant structures.

[501] And he did those orange flags.

[502] in the park.

[503] Yeah, and so Christo had wrapped at one point, the Pont Noof is like the small island that's in the center of Paris.

[504] So you need to know that who Christo is.

[505] You need to know that the Pont Noof is the island that's just south of the Isle de la Cite, a tiny little island.

[506] And so you're sitting there and you got your beer and you're watching football.

[507] Yeah.

[508] And you're like, out there, tap, you know, last time I saw that much rampings when Christo did the Pont Neuf.

[509] And my, if I had had a wig, it had been, it would have been spinning on my head.

[510] And you can just hear Al Michael say, uh, yeah.

[511] All right.

[512] Let's get back to the, uh, he'll break it down that when he does the references, the first one is a big tent reference, then the second one is a smaller tent, third.

[513] By the fifth one, no one should really get it.

[514] Yeah, it's like Russian dolls.

[515] When you finally get to the last reference, it's something nobody knows.

[516] His classic that always stuck on my head was, I haven't seen choreography like this since the Lee R .V. Oswald prison transfer.

[517] And his early stand -up, you know, a craftmatic band.

[518] What's that all about sleeping in a craftmatic?

[519] You know, it goes up in that V. You wake up and you've gone, wait a minute.

[520] Did I blow myself last night?

[521] You could be blue on a pot.

[522] Could I get one of those waters?

[523] You want a little of silter water?

[524] Yes.

[525] Do you push a button?

[526] Don't hear it because I don't want to go too hard on that.

[527] Right now, 75 people in a special chamber are hearing you say, I might like a laqua.

[528] And people listening to the podcast are clicking 30 seconds, 30 seconds, 30 seconds.

[529] No, not with you, they're not.

[530] No, no, no, no. Look, you have notes.

[531] You don't need notes with me. I'm just trying to look what your name was.

[532] Oh, yeah, there you are.

[533] Dana Car.

[534] My newest impression is you can do if you want.

[535] What?

[536] Teach me one.

[537] Greta Thumburg.

[538] How dare you?

[539] That's it.

[540] That's it.

[541] How dare you?

[542] You got it.

[543] How dare you?

[544] How dare you?

[545] A 14 -year -old telling the whole planet about climate change.

[546] How dare you?

[547] Some guys drinking a beer watching the Detroit Lions getting admonished by a Scandinavian.

[548] Right out of preschool.

[549] She's got the information.

[550] See, I got that was all dense.

[551] talking you had a redneck comedian that you were working on yeah and I love that guy red rednecky the redneck comedian this is here we go this is why can't you come up with why can't you you know what I love thank you you know what you know what really cracks me up is that uh oh here we go here and it's it's not it's not it's not La Croy no no we can't come out them even though a little bit of an adult beverage a little bud light I want them to think I'm drinking.

[552] Oh, man, that looks good.

[553] That was one of those things I just wrote down on a card once.

[554] Because I like the idea of redneck comedians or red, rednecky, the redneck comedian.

[555] I had nothing else.

[556] Because I like Southern Comics.

[557] I think they're brilliant.

[558] You know, Foxworthy and those guys?

[559] So this is like a really bad guy who would like to be part of, you know, the cable guy.

[560] You know what was his name?

[561] Larry the Cable Guy.

[562] You know what?

[563] Have you seen earlier footage of Larry the Cable Guy?

[564] guy?

[565] Yeah, he's named Dan and he's a regular stander.

[566] Yeah, and he's like, he was a senior partner at a law firm or something.

[567] Oh, he's very thoughtful.

[568] He's very, yeah, he's sweet.

[569] I met him once in total.

[570] Yeah, no, he went to Princeton.

[571] I mean, I'm just totally ruining his, but I've seen early footage of him, and he was a totally different person, and then he became that other guy.

[572] And I think he did it as part of his stand -up, and I think it was David Spade or said, hey, buddy, you should just do that, you know?

[573] Right.

[574] And that was the beginning.

[575] But red, rednecky is like a bad comedian.

[576] It started with I'm red rednecky the redneck comedian.

[577] You ever fart so loud a dog two state away ago what's that?

[578] No wait that's the catchphrase let me see her it.

[579] And then he says Come and get song And his thing is he pulls his fist in Come and get some You ever crap so big You don't know I'm gonna get down that turlet Come on get song Wait a minute That's not a joke Not a visit show.

[580] I love it.

[581] It gets worse.

[582] Get down the toilet.

[583] But I like how the second one, the first one's terrible.

[584] And then the second one makes the dog farting, the dog hearing a fart two counties away, actually sound quite crafted.

[585] It's like three penny opera compared to the toilet one.

[586] The second one's just a legitimate concern.

[587] Yeah.

[588] Then it went to, it's a legitimate.

[589] You ever start feeling chest pains?

[590] And then you think maybe I'm having a heart attack.

[591] Come and get some.

[592] Come and get some.

[593] It's very negative, but the come and get some is so positive.

[594] You know, I'm red, rednecky, the redneck comedian.

[595] I made my sister, only because mama turned me down.

[596] Come and get some.

[597] You ever worry that when a child's missing for over three days that maybe they've been abducted and killed, come and get some?

[598] These are just, these are just, as Matt says, legitimate concerns.

[599] I don't.

[600] I didn't know how funny it was until I saw you do it.

[601] My grandpa, I'm red, I always have to do that.

[602] I'm red, rednecky, the redneck comedian.

[603] My grandpa invented the phrase, dollars to donuts.

[604] Every time he got a dollar, he bought a donut.

[605] He died at 37, Common Gatorsome.

[606] That's kind of a good one.

[607] That's a great one.

[608] If you ever worry that if the earth gets too warm, that all the icebergs will melt and sea rebels will rise and we won't be able to have sustainable farming, Come and Get some.

[609] Like a long run.

[610] Mama said, what do you want to, what's your dream, Red?

[611] I said, I don't know, live in a shack and drink beer all day.

[612] She said, Red, never dream too big because you always end up disappointed.

[613] Come on, Gives on.

[614] I was kind of a sophisticated one.

[615] That's a good one.

[616] Yeah.

[617] You ever find a mass in your armpit and you let it go for a while, but then you'd check a doctor and you find out the cancer spreads, so I turn, Bob, oh, you're going to get some.

[618] Sandler became a fan of this, so we were texting back and forth doing this, And that's where I came up.

[619] It was kind of that idea.

[620] It was just, I was in my car doing the walkie -talkie stuff.

[621] Yep, yep.

[622] Red, redneck comedian.

[623] My doctor said he had to amputate my left foot.

[624] I said, can I keep my right foot?

[625] He said, sure.

[626] I said, come on gay something.

[627] So it's so positive.

[628] It's actually a positive affirmation.

[629] Sure, sure.

[630] And people sent us T -shirts because I did it on the other podcast.

[631] I was doing.

[632] So I love that kind of stuff.

[633] I got tons of it.

[634] Now, let's talk about it.

[635] Well, I have one more.

[636] Oh, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

[637] I said to Mama, what's for dinner?

[638] She said, roadkill.

[639] I said, what kind?

[640] She says, I got to take a drive.

[641] Come on get some.

[642] That's actually kind of slather.

[643] You kind of veered into almost a joke there, which kind of ruined it for me, you know?

[644] It's like my only favorite, and that's what she says, are ones that don't make any sense.

[645] Yeah.

[646] No, I like that.

[647] Those are my favorites are, you know, and I would do this at rehearsal for years.

[648] intentionally I would just try and think of the problem with that's what she said is that it usually works you know what I mean it usually kind of makes sense right but you have to really work hard for someone to say like well the the secret of a plasma screen TV is it uses ion gas and that's really how it actually gets a clear picture that's what she said and I would do that sometimes and I would people would I could see sometimes most people would be like that doesn't make any sense but occasionally see people can be like, yeah, nailed it.

[649] And I'm being like, somehow they're doing the math to connect that, that's what she said.

[650] What is the classic, that's what she said?

[651] Is it just?

[652] Like, this is so hard.

[653] Yeah, yeah, you're being really hard on me. You're being so hard on me and now we're having vaginal intercourse.

[654] Oh, God.

[655] That's what she said.

[656] Don't, you don't say intercourse.

[657] I know, but you.

[658] Oh, I like ones that are also way too specific.

[659] You're a very unsatisfying lover as a male.

[660] That's what she said.

[661] Here's one of my very early stand -up, really hacky.

[662] Why does ears, nose, and throat guy have such a specialty?

[663] Are there other doctors like that?

[664] Yeah, I do balls, toes, and ass.

[665] Come and get some.

[666] Come and get some.

[667] And that's what she said.

[668] Let me talk to you by David Spade, because you guys started a podcast.

[669] Fly on the Wall.

[670] Fly on the Wall where you talk about SNL.

[671] And I know that.

[672] Someone here was a guest.

[673] That's right.

[674] I was a guest.

[675] And one of our very favorites.

[676] Very favorites.

[677] And I had a blast talking to you guys.

[678] But a fantastic concept for a show.

[679] You're the best people to do it.

[680] And I'm just curious you're really getting to know Spade.

[681] I know you've known Spade for a long time.

[682] As have I. What a character.

[683] What an unusual fellow.

[684] This is your chance to talk about Spade without him being in the room.

[685] David Spade.

[686] Yeah.

[687] Well, I met him when he was like 21.

[688] I was living with Neeland and Beachwood Canyon.

[689] I had not gotten on S &L.

[690] And then I met him then.

[691] He was like the surfer.

[692] dude from Arizona, had a skateboard, hey buddy, always smart and funny.

[693] Then now, to get to know him now, it's, it's interesting.

[694] He's, he's kind of ultimately, he's like a gentle person underneath.

[695] You know, there's no really anger about him, you know?

[696] I think he's had a good life.

[697] I mean, he's, I think he's done.

[698] He's one of those people who think, if I'm not wrong, has done many of the things he wanted to do.

[699] Do you know what I mean?

[700] I don't think there's a lot of repression there.

[701] Fred Wolf, who knows him very well, to your point, said, yeah, he loves his life.

[702] He has a beautiful mansion.

[703] He's got an elevator in it, and there's a little protein bar in the elevator because he has hypoglycemia.

[704] So in case of the elevator got stuck, he would have something to eat.

[705] What?

[706] He keeps a protein bar?

[707] How high is the mansion?

[708] Is it?

[709] I mean, you're making it sound like, well, it's a nine -minute ride up to the top.

[710] The driveway was so long, I had to stop at a shell station along the way.

[711] Jack took like 40 minutes to get to the main corners.

[712] You know, he's got quite a, quite a house.

[713] Yeah.

[714] I would get scared.

[715] I rented a mansion once in Malibu, and it terrified me. I didn't like coming out and seeing a hundred feet foot long hallway.

[716] I just thought something is out there trying to kill me. Right.

[717] And you're like, yeah.

[718] Just like a suit of armor in the hallway.

[719] You don't, that, you're not that kind of guy.

[720] I don't really want or need anything.

[721] I'm just completely not.

[722] What are you, Johnny Appleseed?

[723] that's what she said Now can we connect Johnny Appleseed Apples balls seeds, sex I think it kind of works Sorry so You try it real hard That's what she said I have no needs You're describing yourself Of course you do I'm not a Jesuit priest I'm fascinated by the fact that I don't want more things I know I have no idea really why I don't really This is probably 10 years old They don't even make these anymore Let's tell because I'm just trying to teach you about podcasts you're gesturing now to your shirt that's right yeah sorry who are the listeners going what's going on I can't see what I love you just said I've had this be really funny if you had gesture to a solid gold watch I've had this for like two years and I still hang on to it I then you're an asshole I have the fact that it's a t -shirt a gap t -shirt okay there you ever have a shirt you really like or so a dress or anything and then they discontinue it so now you go to the cap to buy the t -shirt and it's like five times it's thick.

[724] Yeah.

[725] But this is stretched out.

[726] I know this doesn't look good.

[727] When first got it was like that, because, you know, the neck does what it wants, when it wants to.

[728] You know, my neck took a shit when I was 25.

[729] My neck said, see ya.

[730] My neck said, you know what?

[731] I'm getting crepey and I'm getting saggy and I'm doing it right now.

[732] You're going to want to wear a fucking turtle neck your whole fucking life.

[733] Because it all happening down here.

[734] I'm telling you, a lot of people in this town and get self -conscious about the throat as we age.

[735] It gets sort of waddily, and they do all kinds of things.

[736] You know what I'm going to do?

[737] I've not touched this.

[738] This is a Conan throat, circa 1963.

[739] I'm just going to start wearing giant Doctor Who scarves.

[740] Just long, really long, wrap around.

[741] And I'll wear them at like 110 degree temperature.

[742] A lot of women do that.

[743] By the way, full circle to David Spade.

[744] Spade has a short neck and a strong chin, so there's nothing going on down there.

[745] I have a neck that's so long and so thin that when I took, HBO took pictures of it.

[746] me for a special and Gervitz called me and goes, why are they doctoring your picture?

[747] They're making your neck look like you a fucking giraffe.

[748] I go, I don't think it's doctored.

[749] I think that's how long my neck is.

[750] Mark Gervitz saying again, I'm going to explain to people out there.

[751] Mark Gervitz, my manager.

[752] Your manager, who manages a lot of people have known Gervitz forever.

[753] Yes, he's a real character.

[754] He's an absurd character.

[755] I love him.

[756] I love him, but he's Mr. Show business.

[757] He is Mr. show business.

[758] And And, uh, but da, bu.

[759] Don't do it.

[760] Yeah, he's turning into the pit bull.

[761] They're calling him the pit bull, which they used to call Bobby Slayton, the pit bull.

[762] The pit bull of comedy.

[763] Yeah.

[764] Now, he's the pit bull of managers.

[765] Bobby Slaten on the old late night show, um, he was this comedian who was, I guess, was he from, I'm going to say he's from Boston?

[766] Was he from San Francisco.

[767] Oh, wait.

[768] So why am I thinking, but he had this.

[769] Oh, it's very east coast.

[770] He's from New York.

[771] Yeah, he's from New York.

[772] I'm saying.

[773] And so I think of San Francisco comics like yourself is being.

[774] being people that the audiences there are very nurturing and so you can develop really silly comedy.

[775] And then there are these comedians that come from parts of Boston or New York where it's like they really had to do their stand -up at like the bottom of the East River and amuse an oily eel or they would die.

[776] Or they would die.

[777] So sometimes these comics would come on my late night show and I'd be saying, well, this is in the early days, in the early 90s and I'd be said, oh yeah, our next guest is, you know, Bobby Slayton or someone like that and they would come rushing out.

[778] Yeah.

[779] And they would basically just anger and it was all Who the fuck do you think you have fucking?

[780] And I started yelling at my crowd.

[781] And I could see our crowd just starting to cry practically.

[782] Why is this man yelling at us?

[783] Did I do angry East Coast comics?

[784] No, I don't think so.

[785] It's New York or Boston.

[786] Angry.

[787] This guy, I like the premise of a guy who's, his idea is predicated on being angry and disappointed, who becomes incredibly successful, but still has to conjure up anger.

[788] You know what drives me fucking much?

[789] Fucking meat a mage, you know, driving a fucking golf cart, around, pay my ticket, drives me nuts.

[790] How are you doing?

[791] I got, you know, I got property, you know, I got some condos in Santa Monica.

[792] I got a castle in Switzerland.

[793] What's your net worth?

[794] About 150 million.

[795] But you know what drives me out of my fucking mind?

[796] Convertibles.

[797] Put a fucking roof on the house.

[798] You're driving around with no fucking roof who you do.

[799] You know what drives me nuts?

[800] Cyclone fences.

[801] Get a fucking fence.

[802] What do you got holes in the thing?

[803] So you're saying you're worth about $150 million?

[804] I got about $150 million.

[805] I'm 50 million large.

[806] I just bought an apartment building on the West Side.

[807] It's looking pretty good.

[808] Would you say most of your dreams in life have come true?

[809] Yeah, you know, I own a lot of property.

[810] I'm pretty much set.

[811] Wow, it sounds really great.

[812] I got a G5.

[813] I fly in that.

[814] Sounds incredible.

[815] And you're happily married and you've got kids and everyone's healthy.

[816] Everything's good.

[817] So what's bugging you these days?

[818] What's driving me nuts?

[819] You know what drives me out of my fucking mind, ladies and gentlemen?

[820] What's that?

[821] You can't hold a beverage?

[822] You gotta put a fucking beverage on a fucking table hold your fucking drink drives me out of my mind now I gotta go to I gotta go get my suit fit and I'm buying a $10 ,000 soup but you know what drives me out of that fucking skull what's that what's that cotton candy is it a food product is it air what the fuck I love that the more stuff that happens great for this guy, do you know what I mean?

[823] Hey, guess what?

[824] You just, yeah, through some weird cortisol in an old manuscript, you now own most of Maui.

[825] We just realized, and so it's been seated to you.

[826] It's now you now own all of Maui and you get to own it and you can sell it if you want.

[827] You're now the richest man in the world.

[828] I got an island, but you know what drives me out of my mind?

[829] What's that?

[830] Out of my mind.

[831] What's that?

[832] Curly fries.

[833] Fucking, have a straight fly.

[834] What am I going to do with a fucking circle?

[835] What do you do with a curly fry?

[836] Give me a regular fucking fry.

[837] Drives me nuts.

[838] I'm buying a yacht.

[839] You know, this is unprecedented.

[840] I just got word and no human has ever been told this in the history of civilization.

[841] But I've just been told that there has been direct communication with God and you are going to heaven and you will enjoy heaven in the entire afterlife for all eternity.

[842] All of your dreams and wishes will come true and you'll see all your loved one.

[843] It's been verified.

[844] You're going to heaven no matter what you do.

[845] You know what drives you man in my fucking mind?

[846] Yeah, uh -huh.

[847] Spatulers.

[848] You can scrape it with a spoon or a regular knife.

[849] A spatula is nothing.

[850] It's a big little fucking knife.

[851] It drives me out of my fucking mind.

[852] That's great.

[853] Pardon me. That's great.

[854] I always feel in a weird way...

[855] I'm swearing a lot of this.

[856] No, no, no, it's okay.

[857] Don't worry about it.

[858] What is this for Nick at night?

[859] Take it easy.

[860] That's very, you know what?

[861] No, but you know what?

[862] It's, it is funny because the person it makes me think about sometimes, it's almost touching a little on Seinfeld unintentionally.

[863] But you know the way everything has gone right for him in every way possible.

[864] Jerry is very wealthy.

[865] But he's still, yeah, very wealthy and beloved and everything always goes his way, but he still has to go like, you know, I got a problem.

[866] You're like, you really don't.

[867] You really don't have a problem.

[868] You know what I mean?

[869] More benign than this character, but yeah.

[870] Yeah, yeah.

[871] Oh, yeah.

[872] No, he's not mad, but it's just, he's still got to come up with stuff.

[873] People are annoying.

[874] Jerry, is there anything wrong?

[875] Do you have any problems?

[876] No. Is anything sad?

[877] Yeah, but he's, he and Leno, oh, sorry.

[878] That's okay.

[879] Well, come on, what are you talking about?

[880] It's been 11 years.

[881] People would have had ways of Congress.

[882] They haven't told him yet.

[883] Just people with like, you know, Jerry was always kind of, he's like maybe two years older me, but he was very much.

[884] kind of in a superior position, put it that way.

[885] Like a father figure.

[886] You know, because Jerry was such a scientist about doing stand -up and, you know, well, you need more punchlines.

[887] Check your setup.

[888] You know, I would advise you.

[889] I don't know what character this is.

[890] I blew my voice out on the other guy.

[891] You know, choice me fucking nutshell on a fucking podcast.

[892] The guy set you up for a half hour.

[893] The vocal cords are shredded.

[894] You got another 45 minutes.

[895] Whenever I think about Jerry, it just always goes back to who are these people.

[896] I always go to that for some reason.

[897] I'm not saying that's a good Jerry Seinfeld because it isn't, but I just was like, who are these people, you know, who are making these sneakers?

[898] I went for the, I don't know if I did this on our deep dive, but I do like doing it because it's such, such a non -sequent.

[899] Jerry Seinfeld has a serial killer.

[900] What are you doing?

[901] What are you doing?

[902] I'm going to take out your pancreas and cut around here.

[903] Then we're going to go right in there.

[904] You know that other rhythm he does?

[905] Yeah, yeah.

[906] Like, I think I'm the guy to be present.

[907] I think I can cut out this.

[908] We'll take your kidneys.

[909] Go like that tools.

[910] That's that.

[911] That other rhythm because it's like Who are these people is up here?

[912] And then it's the guy who goes down here I think I can do that's all team that's the one layer that I think Jimmy Fallon should do because he does an incredible Yeah he does a great one So anyway You've been great I've also recorded this Conan O 'Brien has been my guest today Oh that's right You should have just recorded this for your podcast It would be Yeah I should have Press record Here's my question You and David Because we end up talking a lot on this show about S &L because I talk to people who are on the show.

[913] And Howard Stern does it?

[914] Yeah, and it's a funny thing to do, but you guys have this great perspective on that show and you talk to all kinds of people who've hosted it over the years.

[915] Yeah.

[916] And I know you talk to Tom Hanks, who's hosted it like 75 times.

[917] And Hanks, yeah.

[918] And he seemed to have like an almost eerily incredible memory about everything.

[919] Yes.

[920] Like, you know, you talk to a lot of people.

[921] and they can't remember.

[922] I can't remember sketches I wrote and people will tell me you wrote that sketch and I'll think I guess I did it's been a long time he remembers everything he ever did on his own.

[923] Spade did a sketch with him when he hosted and it got cut and it had a song and Hanks remember everything and the song and then Hanks is quoting Chris Rock's NatX bits.

[924] Oh, NatX I remember that.

[925] Yeah, I mean he's an unbelievably enthusiastic person he was just jumping all over the place.

[926] I mean, I really got, you know, when you do an interview with someone, maybe on Zoom as well, you get to know them in a certain, it's very intimate in a way.

[927] Because it's almost like you're staring at them the whole time.

[928] Right, right.

[929] This is so much more kind of casual.

[930] But I remember my memory of Tom Hanks hosting the years that I was there was that he would come in and he was like a kid in a candy shop.

[931] Yeah.

[932] He was delighted and he would stay up late at night and wander around and talk to all the writers and get very enthusiastic and pitch ideas.

[933] And, you know, it's really amazing because he has retained that level enthusiasm through an unprecedented amount of success.

[934] You know, he is the closest thing we have to a Jimmy Stewart today, a William Holden.

[935] I mean, just like he is the movie star in America, in my opinion.

[936] Jimmy Stewart.

[937] Yeah.

[938] And he's, and yet he still has, I think if he went and hosted SNL today, he'd be that enthusiastic and giddy.

[939] Oh, he went crazy.

[940] See, I just asked him, you know, 60s kids' stuff.

[941] You know, Super Bowl or Slinky.

[942] Oh, you know.

[943] And he goes, well, Super Bowl, you lose it in a second because it would fly.

[944] It was a ball that would just go.

[945] Slinky, it just all tied up.

[946] And he's just jumping up and down.

[947] He's going crazy.

[948] I asked him about movies he liked as a kid.

[949] I said, what about Jason the Argonauts?

[950] And he literally, Jason the Orgonauts!

[951] I mean, it's just like.

[952] That's so funny because a similar guy is Jeff Goldblum.

[953] He brought up that exact film.

[954] We were just talking.

[955] Really?

[956] to Jeff Goldblum, and he was describing his childhood in Pittsburgh in the 60s.

[957] And he mentioned Jason and the Argonauts.

[958] And, you know, he's a similar vintage as Hanks.

[959] And they're just guys that loved, I think, so much about their childhood and about their era.

[960] And they're enthusiasts.

[961] They're enthusiasts for a certain kind of cereal like Quisp and Quake that used to exist back then.

[962] Yeah.

[963] In my mind, I don't know what the literal definition of formative years.

[964] but I think the end of innocence is maybe at 12 or 13.

[965] So between 4 or 5 and 12, all things being equal, they really hit your brain.

[966] It's indelible.

[967] Like someone like you, you're down a little bit from me. I'm saying, Get Smart, you would have liked that.

[968] I loved Get Smart.

[969] I saw these things in reruns.

[970] I didn't get to see them.

[971] A lot of me too.

[972] So I'm really a 70s kid and these shows are canceled, but they're showing them on reruns.

[973] And reruns are, you know, we didn't have, we have one, as you know, one half of one percent of the amount of entertainment that exists today on a daily basis.

[974] There's just three networks and they're making some shows and every now and then there's a decent one.

[975] But they would show reruns of shows like Get Smart, which is still, I think, one of the funniest television shows of all time.

[976] And Mel Brooks, Mel Brooks is a driving force behind it.

[977] And it was a takeoff on sort of the James Bond phenomenon.

[978] that show was so well done, so fantastic, that years later, I got to meet Don Adams, who was the star.

[979] He played Agent Maxwell Smart.

[980] Don Adams, yeah.

[981] And I got to meet him, and my mind melted.

[982] My mind completely melted that I had a chance.

[983] Because as I've said before, many times here, when I get to meet somebody that was on my television screen when I was a little boy, nothing's bigger than that.

[984] No, it's completely surreal.

[985] Who was the person that would you say, I mean, you mentioned Jonathan Winters, but as you were going along, you must have, I know you met some huge movie stars who've been.

[986] Well, I met Kirk Douglas and Bert Lancaster.

[987] Right.

[988] And their last movie that they did together.

[989] And right before I got SNL, I got cast in that movie.

[990] Right.

[991] So for me, those were like, I don't know, for kids a day, would it be Brad Pitt and somebody?

[992] I don't know.

[993] Just incredibly huge movies stars.

[994] I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I was that age when you were on Saturday Night Live and you were a god.

[995] to me and I used to repeat everything you did to my family.

[996] Really?

[997] Yeah.

[998] And, oh, you were.

[999] Do you want to hang out?

[1000] Yes.

[1001] But Tana, Tena, you know that.

[1002] You know that, right?

[1003] You get that all the time.

[1004] I, and I want you to be uncomfortable, but you should.

[1005] No, I, you should, as you know that, you know that, you know that, oh, it's true.

[1006] You know that I'm an advocate for therapy and I think a good therapy.

[1007] Yes.

[1008] I think a good therapy for you is to, because.

[1009] I know you're the type of personality.

[1010] I'm somewhat familiar with it who wants to push away good things because we have that weird Irish distrust.

[1011] Let's not let that settle.

[1012] This guy is going to fall in.

[1013] Yeah, exactly.

[1014] If I take in a good feeling, it will mean that it's immediately followed by absolute horror and shame.

[1015] But you need to take that in, that you are that person.

[1016] I will say that that still is the greatest rush because, you know, I don't think you stop being motivated by fame and money a long time ago.

[1017] I mean, right?

[1018] It's always about landing the joke or doing well, right?

[1019] That's just the driving force.

[1020] Always.

[1021] Yeah, I mean, it's a compulsion, but that's all it is.

[1022] To me, it's total, put me in any other period in history and I'm immediately beheaded.

[1023] Yeah, I did the Carrie Grant episode of the last one, right?

[1024] Just if he's, you know, the handsome movie star, if he was born in 1820 in Prussia.

[1025] Yeah.

[1026] I can believe it.

[1027] I'm It's so good looking, and I have incredible voice, but I'm a peasant in Prussia.

[1028] If only there was a way to make my face bigger so people could see me all over the world.

[1029] And all I got to do is stand there and be handsome and talk really weird.

[1030] I'd make tons of money.

[1031] Give up to work, comrade Grant.

[1032] There was no such thing.

[1033] I don't even know what you were talking about.

[1034] Now, rake the fucking corn.

[1035] Sorry.

[1036] No, but I thought about the exact same thing many times.

[1037] times, which is me in a field in Ireland, 150 years ago, doing the string dance and going, check this out, everybody.

[1038] It looks like I have invisible strings on my...

[1039] You fucking get back to work!

[1040] Move the fucking stones!

[1041] Oh yeah, I used to do a bit about what would a like a Ventriloquist in Vegas now makes like 40 million a year.

[1042] What if it was like the year 1200 in London or something?

[1043] What can you, what is your, what can you do for the king?

[1044] You have any skills?

[1045] It was amazing.

[1046] Or can you tell the field or you know, I can talk without move me lips.

[1047] Shot without moving it.

[1048] What kind of sorcery is this?

[1049] Of course you have to move your lips to create the sound philalanx to create words.

[1050] Show us as magic.

[1051] That's fantastic.

[1052] I can talk without move my lips.

[1053] I mean, think about all the stuff you've done and it says these little pieces that float out there.

[1054] And now, this is the other thing I'm grateful for, we live in a world where people used to have a whole body of work that could last 30 years in television, but if it was on kinescope and then later on it was on tapes, a lot of them were thrown away, and it doesn't exist anymore.

[1055] And so the idea that this stuff is, I just know, I just love when stuff is online and it might tickle somebody anywhere in the world, they might find it at any point.

[1056] I don't, that makes me happy.

[1057] I think comedy, and I would say music is similar.

[1058] It's just if someone does something funny just once, if I see them on a TV or a film, something that really hits me, then I'm kind of like a fan.

[1059] I don't even need more.

[1060] Just one bit, one sketch, anything.

[1061] And then if I get more, it's great.

[1062] But I think people sharing catchphrases and rhythms and stuff, because that kind of was my stock and trade or still is in a way.

[1063] Because now hopefully it'd be like, you know what drives me nuts.

[1064] It doesn't matter what it is.

[1065] I think it's cathartic.

[1066] and it's a way to communicate.

[1067] My peer group in high school and college were all people with similar senses of humor and it was then it was we are the knights who say, you know, it was Monty Python.

[1068] Can I tell you something?

[1069] I'll share something about that.

[1070] Please do.

[1071] I was in a play in high school and I had a monologue and I threw in Dana Carrivedo doing George Bush in this monologue that had no, it was set in Naples, Italy and it brought the house down And I got applause just for stealing your bit.

[1072] And that's how big a family was.

[1073] That was a good bit to do.

[1074] You didn't steal it.

[1075] It was an homage.

[1076] It was an homage.

[1077] But in no context for this to be in there in a million years.

[1078] These were Italians.

[1079] Do you remember what you said?

[1080] You go, not going to da - I did.

[1081] I did the not -gan -de -and -put -the -hands together.

[1082] And the audience just went crazy because, you know, let's be honest, they were there to see a high school play and it probably wasn't doing it for him.

[1083] And then they see a little bit of Dana Carvey, and the world just, just, it was joyous.

[1084] Well, look what happened.

[1085] I mean, the president, President Bush at that time would say, you know, not going to do it and wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

[1086] And then four years later, I'm not going to die.

[1087] You know, it was extenuated into madness, which is what I love.

[1088] That's the school of impression that I think, that you exemplify.

[1089] and then when we were doing clutch cargoes on my show in the 90s and Robert would be the lips, the whole idea was not to do an accurate impression.

[1090] And we're always a tip to cap to you, which is these are Dana Carvey impressions.

[1091] So I've heard people, I've heard, you know, Bill Hader does a very accurate Arnold Schwarzenegger and I'll not accurate at all.

[1092] And it was like, you know, and that made me really, laugh and the fact that it was a cartoon, you know, Clutch Cargo was a cartoon, but all of that I, you know, learned from you, stole from you.

[1093] It was just, it was just, it's much more fun when you look at a human being and then you treat them like silly putty and stretch them way out.

[1094] So when I was at SNL, I watched, you know, George H .W. Bush just said, well, we're not going to do it, you know, and that was it.

[1095] And you kept, I saw you, the years that I was there with you, you kept stretching it and stretching it.

[1096] And I was like, I got that.

[1097] Oh, totally.

[1098] You can't start there.

[1099] No. You kept taking people with you.

[1100] And to me, it was almost like someone who is working on your ligaments to slowly stretch them over a five -year period.

[1101] You got people to the point where that's what they thought George Bush Sr. was because you took them on that ride.

[1102] And those rhythms just made me laugh as I was doing them.

[1103] I think I would have got bored if I hadn't.

[1104] But when you do the cold opening in SNL, it's a lockdown shot.

[1105] So that's the only time you could ostensibly improvise because they had the camera blocking.

[1106] You could just go off.

[1107] So I knew when I did the hands, not going to do it or coming at you.

[1108] Sometimes if they went for it, I would do like 30 seconds of just hand gestures.

[1109] The George George George Smith, Sr. never did.

[1110] Right.

[1111] But, of course, I did so many events with him after the fact.

[1112] and we became friends, and we would do that together, and we did the classic thing where I was on stage, and I'm going, nah, I got that, not going to do it, and he's slowly walking up behind me, and I'm supposed to he don't know he's there, and they go crazy.

[1113] But, yeah, I love that when I see people do exaggerate impressions and have fun with them and make them even better than they actually are, I love when I see that, too.

[1114] Hey, Kindred Spirit.

[1115] Well, no, I think it's kind of the desire to be, I think I really think of myself.

[1116] and I think of you is we're cartoon characters.

[1117] We were born human, but we always aspired to be a cartoon character.

[1118] And so we like to stretch things out and we like to, I don't know.

[1119] I wonder, you know, I think that the touchstone for everyone, usually comedians, was a peer group in high school where we'd all start to get silly.

[1120] And so in junior college, they were always smoking pot before I even tried it.

[1121] And they were the best audience of the world.

[1122] And so then you did it more and more and more.

[1123] and it got sillier and sillier and more abstract.

[1124] So it seems like it's just sort of mayhem.

[1125] It's disorganized.

[1126] The people subconsciously, they know that you're having fun with it.

[1127] You know, when Robert would break, too, when he did clutch cargo.

[1128] Oh, always, Robert.

[1129] Yeah, so it's very infectious, you know.

[1130] I remember when Robert would also take a piece of black tape to because Arnold has a little gap in his front teeth.

[1131] So Robert would just take a little piece of electrical tape because all you could see was Robert's lips.

[1132] and he'd put it over the center of his teeth.

[1133] And what would happen is, he'd be doing his over the top, Schwarzenegger!

[1134] And the tape would start to come off.

[1135] And then he'd put his finger in to try and push it back, but the finger's coming up to where the lips are on the clutch cargo.

[1136] And then I remember once, I don't know why, this is not even a good joke or anything, but he's playing Schwarzenegger, and as governor, and he said something like, and he said a terrible idea, and I just ad -libbed.

[1137] I said, oh my God, that's garbage.

[1138] And Robert, with the electrical tape sticking out now, completely out of his mouth, like, you know, coming out at the camera, it's no longer a gap.

[1139] I just said, oh, that's garbage.

[1140] And he said, you're garbage!

[1141] And I don't know why I think about that.

[1142] Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and I just spent like a whole day with Robert the other day.

[1143] And I, for some reason, every now and then I'll wake up in the middle of the night and I'll just be staring at the feeling, and I'll just hear, you're garbage.

[1144] Well, to the point.

[1145] of Arnold, like, so when Kevin Neeland and I, this is inside baseball for her, when we started doing Hans and Franz, we both were sort of basic Arnold.

[1146] Yeah.

[1147] Yeah, we are here to pump you up, and I'm doing that too.

[1148] We're here to pump you up, and the girly man and all these things, and your buttocks are like marshmallows.

[1149] You're lucky we don't have a campfire here, which is one of the great lines.

[1150] I could flick you with my little finger and you would fly across the room and land in your own baby poop, you know.

[1151] So what happened was, is I My normal thing is they get bored and extended, but they would paint black enamel between your teeth.

[1152] So you didn't want to smear it.

[1153] So I'd walk around with this little grin on my face.

[1154] And I looked in the mirror and then the coy guy kept up.

[1155] And then a few episodes later, Hans was a little more languorius.

[1156] Oh, you are flabbing loser.

[1157] We should stretch the flab of your back into the shape of a rope ladder.

[1158] So you could crawl back down in the sewer because that's why lose us leave.

[1159] So then we became yin and yang.

[1160] Yeah, you got this weird, it's like Bavarian smirk to your voice.

[1161] We're so superior and so muscular.

[1162] So that was a nice juxtaposition.

[1163] And this is another little secret backstory, which is that at the time there was interest in a Hans and Frans movie.

[1164] Well, who wrote that movie?

[1165] Well, we're going to talk about it.

[1166] So what happens is, Robert, you guys enlisted Robert.

[1167] Robert said, I think Conan should help me. And so the next thing I know...

[1168] You're always great with Hans and France.

[1169] Yeah, and the next thing I know, I'm in a room with Robert, and this is a long time ago, but I'm in a room with Robert, some studio lot, and you and Kevin, and it's the four of us, and it became, because we're idiots, it became a musical.

[1170] And so it was the Hans and Franz musical, and of course...

[1171] We had songs.

[1172] And the whole idea was that it was going to, to be starring special guest star and major focus of the movie Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[1173] This is Arnold Schwarzenegger at the height.

[1174] Like height of like everything he does is a major massive global hit.

[1175] We were just, this is going to happen.

[1176] And so we wrote this whole script.

[1177] Hans and Franz, the Gurley Man dilemma.

[1178] The Gurley Man dilemma.

[1179] And it was just this insane, and it had songs and, you know, Arnold's a cartoon version of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[1180] And then you were Hans and Franz Revere, Arnold and try and come and find him and we had all these I mean I don't remember most of it Well we start out in Bavaria or something in a little town where everyone is very muscular And everyone sings songs as they're working Mothor Mazzar me And then we do a Wizard of Oz goodbye We're going to Hollywood To see Arnold It's not too late, let's do it It's clearly understood We're very pumped up but not as much as Right and this was Arnold pre, I mean, he's absolute kind of movie star, and he's, it's the Hummer, it's the giant cigar, it's that whole Arnold, and you guys go to find him, and then you get to see where Arnold lives, which is this insane.

[1181] So it was almost like Pee Wee's Playhouse, but instead of Paul Rubens, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger, and then it's these, and so, and it has songs and dances and crazy.

[1182] Do you remember the doors to the front of his house?

[1183] What were they?

[1184] They were just two gigantic buttocks.

[1185] Oh, right.

[1186] You opened two buttocks, two really tough, well -muscled buttocks to get into his house.

[1187] How far did this get?

[1188] Well, we got the script written.

[1189] So we got the script written and then we heard, oh, it's a really funny script.

[1190] And then the next thing I knew there was a meeting with all of us.

[1191] And Arnold.

[1192] And it was at an outdoor restaurant in Venice.

[1193] Yeah.

[1194] And I remember he came and he hadn't quite committed yet, but he was, I mean, I just couldn't believe I was seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[1195] Because I'm, you know, a lowly writer.

[1196] and here he is at this table and I think they went around and said this is he's like Dana you know and Kevin good to see you and then he knew you guys and then it was like and this is Robert and this is you know Conan Bar you know he's not the Conan I am Conan okay but and he's like you guys are really going down with this this is the very funny you know this is like some crazy stuff you know yes he was very much kind of this is kooky who wrote this part Conan because this really I don't remember.

[1197] Arnold has a war room in his basement.

[1198] Remember, he's a huge movie star.

[1199] So he's got a big board with all the studios like Monopoly.

[1200] There's Warner Brothers, there's Paramount.

[1201] He has a little thing.

[1202] He's pushing Carrey.

[1203] Yeah, Bruce Willis is going to Paramount to shoot an action picture.

[1204] We'll counter with us of the kindergarten cop over at Warner's.

[1205] He was just pushing his movie star war room.

[1206] I did love that.

[1207] But you know what?

[1208] He ended up choosing.

[1209] I think he chose last action hero.

[1210] Or maybe that spooked him, I'm not sure.

[1211] No, no, no, what happened was I think he had a, yeah, maybe that's a self -reverential.

[1212] Or else, yes, or else last action hero came out just as we had pitched this.

[1213] And we were trying to be funny.

[1214] And that was a movie where Arnold's being tongue -in -cheek about being an action star, then it didn't work out well.

[1215] And so that blew up.

[1216] Well, we had a scene where you see Kevin and I is Hans -Prons water skiing, and you like this, and then you kind of, Arnold is swimming.

[1217] He's pulling them.

[1218] So then four years ago, they wanted to do a Hans and Franz commercial for the Super Bowl.

[1219] So I just harvested some of that and told them about it.

[1220] So in it, we wanted to have, it was Aaron Rogers swimming, but he was kayaking and we were water skiing.

[1221] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1222] Great.

[1223] So we used some of it.

[1224] Sure.

[1225] As long as Robert and I get paid, we're good.

[1226] I had a little, I had a feeling, whoops, I had a feeling.

[1227] I was a little worried that it was so Arnold heavy that if he didn't do it.

[1228] it then with the boat would sink, you know, because it was, I remember that Hans and Frans went to Chinese Gromans theater and we're just laughing their asses off at the little, look at Gary Cooper's little feet, tiny little, look at the little hands of John Wayne.

[1229] I mean, it was funnier in hell.

[1230] It was really fun.

[1231] Look at it, look at we had, Conan, come on.

[1232] Oh, man. Smigel, I mean, we had the A team of A writers.

[1233] It was really fun.

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] I want to make sure I mention, and I know we're going to talk about this.

[1236] or podcasts are Fly on the wall is with you and Mr. David David and David's yeah and I shouldn't just say we're really good friends I would go 10 years we're not talking to David but when I moved back to L .A. We all started going to Koi David's a man about town I'm not but I can walk there and he says you want to go there I go have fun tonight no anytime it has to be there I get a meal with you two, it's always at the same table, at the same sushi restaurants.

[1237] And I've decided that it's the only place where David Spade will eat.

[1238] I mean, I don't know if he got a coupon like eight years ago and he's still working it off.

[1239] I don't like hipster places where you go and the music is too loud.

[1240] So anyway, what are you?

[1241] How's the podcast gone?

[1242] So this place is really dark, really quiet, and when we go really empty.

[1243] And that's what I like, because Conan and I, we would go, there all the time, have these boozy four -hour dinners.

[1244] Connie would hook up the Uber, you know, in the back.

[1245] And we would just, it'd just be so cool.

[1246] Oh, but you know what's fun is you would do my show as a guest, and when the show was over, you'd get in the car with me and I'd drive because it would be on the Warner Brothers lot.

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] We'd finish the Conan show or whatever.

[1249] We'd get in my car.

[1250] I'd drive you there.

[1251] Spade would show up.

[1252] And then once, I think we were there and Lovitz showed up.

[1253] Yes.

[1254] And while we were there, I think he was having a luxury car delivered.

[1255] And like a big truck pulled up outside the restaurant.

[1256] Yeah, and they start backing.

[1257] He's like, that's fine.

[1258] You know, and we were like, what the fuck?

[1259] And he was, is that a Bentley you're getting?

[1260] And of course, Levitz was like, jealous.

[1261] And we've ever.

[1262] Who gets a Bentley delivered while they're eating sushi?

[1263] A Bentley convertible.

[1264] Yeah.

[1265] They literally backed it down this flat bed while we were there eating sushi.

[1266] Well, I've got to go.

[1267] My Bentley's here.

[1268] Well, that was the one time he went jealous.

[1269] And I said, yeah.

[1270] And then he totally deconstructed and go, why are you jealous?

[1271] It's just a car.

[1272] The whole character left it.

[1273] He got all sad.

[1274] Jealous?

[1275] Jealous?

[1276] Why?

[1277] What do you mean?

[1278] Is there anything you needed to get to?

[1279] The one thing I wanted to, last thing I wanted to mention is we're going to do another segment on this and look out for that.

[1280] But you have done something for Team Coco, our evil company, that I absolutely love that you developed with your sons, the weird place.

[1281] Yep.

[1282] I absolutely love this podcast.

[1283] It's a great idea.

[1284] It comes from a love of Twilight Zone, and one of their childhood friends is also part of our team, and he was introduced to the Twilight Zone at our house and the neighborhood, up in Marin County, because I had all the VHS, you know.

[1285] So love of Twilight Zone, we realize you can't bring it back without Rod.

[1286] So that's why we realize it's great for a scripted podcast, Rod Serling.

[1287] So I do Rod Serling, and he's hosting.

[1288] a show.

[1289] We don't call him Serling legally, but he's Rod, and he hosts the show, and it's an anthology Twilight Zone series with more of a comedic bent.

[1290] But it's perfect for you because you get to do, you have such a great, crazy, animated mind, and you can do all the voices, and you can create these worlds, and all you need is this narrator telling you, imagine a world, and then you describe what's happening, and it's basically, it's, to me, it's like what a great improv director says is imagine there's an island where there are robots, but they're made of caramel and it's a very hot out, go.

[1291] And then you can take it up.

[1292] It's a great, you need to have a narrate.

[1293] I think scripted podcasting is still in its infancy in terms of, you could say it's old -timey radio from 1947, but people are out in the plains of Kansas.

[1294] You know, there's nothing in it for 100 miles.

[1295] This shadow knows, and they're all just hanging around.

[1296] Sure.

[1297] But nowadays, if people get confused in a podcast, they're not sure where they are, but they just drop out.

[1298] So you have to be relentless.

[1299] list.

[1300] We learned this.

[1301] It took us a while to kind of go, how do we make this what I like to call crunchy?

[1302] So every single moment is essential.

[1303] But for me, just creating characters and doing voices and doing these weird rhythms is, that's just total joy.

[1304] I mean, I'm just loving it.

[1305] And also being able to do pathos, which I wouldn't have the guts to do as a stand -up, but there's scenes in there that just touch that edge.

[1306] Sure.

[1307] And also, it's not cynical.

[1308] It's not sexual, it's not violent.

[1309] It's retro.

[1310] And because somebody has a deal with HBO Max that owns the Warner Brothers Library, we get to use all this great old music, that's very twilight zoning and very symphonic and beautifully lush like Bernard Herman and stuff.

[1311] And the young people are liking it as much as the older people.

[1312] I'm gesturing like with an A .O .K. I did a movie once.

[1313] It was horrible.

[1314] Sometimes movies are so bad.

[1315] I watch him and go, God, this is so bad I could be in it.

[1316] It wasn't my fault.

[1317] But this guy would look at the monitor and he would like conduct the monitor, like as if he was an orchestra guy and cut.

[1318] And it was just crap.

[1319] Yeah, yeah.

[1320] Long story.

[1321] Anyway, we're going to take a quick break.

[1322] You are a, oh, it's on a break.

[1323] This is over.

[1324] You are a terrific friend.

[1325] And I second what Matt Gourley said, which is when I showed up at SNL, you were one of the first people to come in and say hi to me. You were just a massive star.

[1326] You could not have been nicer.

[1327] You've always been that guy.

[1328] And I love you.

[1329] I love you.

[1330] And I'm just really happy that you're here.

[1331] I'm happy that you're here and you're just killing it.

[1332] You're still being so funny all the time.

[1333] I love that I have a podcast studio I can go visit so close by.

[1334] Just call ahead.

[1335] Call ahead.

[1336] I don't love you that much.

[1337] You find that, you know, Sandler's always been very sentimental like that, even when you're young.

[1338] I'm a car.

[1339] I love you.

[1340] I love your car.

[1341] You know, I'm not ready for that yet.

[1342] I'm a Lutheran.

[1343] I'm my third.

[1344] But now it's like, I love you.

[1345] I love you.

[1346] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1347] We're all getting sentimental as well.

[1348] Yeah, it's just, it's an organic thing.

[1349] But it's a nice thing to say, God rest of the soul.

[1350] You know, they go to the stars.

[1351] Go full circle positive.

[1352] Full circle and out.

[1353] Thank you, Dana.

[1354] Thank you.

[1355] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1356] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessions.

[1357] and Matt Gourley.

[1358] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1359] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1360] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1361] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1362] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1363] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1364] Engineering by Will Bechtin, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1365] You can rate and review.

[1366] You can rate and this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1367] Got a question for Conan?

[1368] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1369] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1370] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1371] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.