#26 - Bill Burr

[0] There it goes.

[1] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another U -stream broadcast.

[2] There it goes.

[3] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another U -stream.

[4] Me?

[5] Me, motherfucker.

[6] One, we only did one week where he didn't fuck anything up.

[7] And that was yesterday.

[8] Yesterday we completely had it together.

[9] Joining me this week is my good pal, the very funny Mr. Bill Burr.

[10] Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen.

[11] What's up, Joseph?

[12] You might know Bill from all sorts of television, stand -up comedy things, the Chappelle show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[13] One of the funniest guys out there.

[14] I love the 80s strikes back.

[15] Don't forget that.

[16] That's on the IMDB page.

[17] I also have a failed pilot for some reason on my IMDB page.

[18] It didn't even air, and somebody still put it up there.

[19] Before we start talking about anything, we're sponsored by the fleshlight.

[20] This is a flashlight.

[21] Have you ever seen one of these, Bill Burr?

[22] A flesh -colored flashlight?

[23] No, this is the thing you...

[24] I don't know what that was.

[25] You don't know what it is.

[26] Bill Burr's like...

[27] Ah, what is that?

[28] You fuck it.

[29] That's the butthole version.

[30] It's patent and rubber technology.

[31] Fill it, fill it.

[32] Put your finger in.

[33] Put your finger in.

[34] Put your finger in.

[35] That's toys freak me out.

[36] Okay.

[37] You jerk.

[38] off, though, right?

[39] I mean, I assume, right?

[40] Constantly.

[41] Okay.

[42] Now, why wouldn't you get one of these?

[43] I had a good one on the way up to your house here.

[44] This is, I'm all about rubbing one out.

[45] A fucking tool to masturbate with.

[46] It's instead of your hand, it's a fake vagina.

[47] This is the bottom of the worst.

[48] Yeah, I'm not saying that you shouldn't, you know, I'm not against it, but it's just odd you handing it to me the first minute of your podcast.

[49] Well, I'm just trying to see how you react.

[50] Oh, yeah, I got a good, yeah.

[51] I got a good gauge.

[52] Yeah, it's, I'm into, I'm into porn.

[53] I like the videos and that type of thing But I got to admit like Those sex toys It's like very serial killer like Where you just sort of fucking A part of somebody Rather than there's nothing else there Yeah I know what you mean You know like you went to the butcher You're like yeah just give me a slice of crotch Yeah this doesn't It doesn't have to look like a pussy It looks exactly like a pussy The pussy one does It really doesn't have to It just a hole That doesn't look like a hole That doesn't look like a butthole That doesn't look like a butthole Hold it up to the camera That doesn't look like a butthole.

[54] I think it needs a little work.

[55] What, an eight -year -old's ass?

[56] Look how little that is.

[57] It's been bleached.

[58] It's a girl with a bottle that's got a problem because that sucker's not airtight.

[59] Look at that.

[60] There's a little hole in there.

[61] It's gaping.

[62] See that?

[63] That's not good.

[64] Yeah, after you ruined it last night, trying it out.

[65] I have never fucked this.

[66] That's why I handed to people.

[67] I've fucked the vagina one.

[68] I have never fucked the bottle of a lot.

[69] That's the name of your next CD.

[70] I have never fucked this.

[71] You just hold something up.

[72] That'll get into Walmart.

[73] I think about those things, Billber.

[74] Flashlight .com.

[75] If you want to sell something.

[76] Yeah, go to fleshlight .com and buy it.

[77] But, you know, we were disturbed because we went to the website.

[78] We could not find a black one.

[79] They have only pink fake vaginas.

[80] Now, you know what?

[81] You could go both ways on that one.

[82] That is either racist or white people can get offended.

[83] Like, how come you're slicing up white women and turning down to little plastic pillowy things for people to fuck?

[84] You know?

[85] They should have like a swirl, like a jet pocket.

[86] pop, you know, like, there's old pudding pops where it's like vanilla and chocolate?

[87] That's not bad.

[88] The zebra one?

[89] Yeah, why fucking pretend it's a person?

[90] Why not a little mouth one, too?

[91] And you have that other one, so you can finally have like a fake menagerie twas.

[92] Yeah, it's almost...

[93] Just have a fake mouth, looking your balls as you fuck, whatever that is.

[94] The flesh flashlight, whatever you called it.

[95] Isn't it kind of creepier that it actually does look like a vagina?

[96] Like, if it was green or something like that, maybe it would be easier to fuck.

[97] Dude, that doesn't look...

[98] You wouldn't have to think about it being a serial killer sort of a thing.

[99] So that really doesn't look like anything.

[100] It doesn't, it doesn't, but the vagina one does.

[101] Like if a fourth grader made that, you just as a good father be like, oh, yeah, yeah, I can see that.

[102] It totally does.

[103] You have a lot of talent.

[104] You encourage them.

[105] We were saying yesterday that it's funny that they sell the butthole version and the vagina version, and what if the butthole version just so outshould the vagina version, they just canceled making them because nobody wanted to fuck to remember a vagina?

[106] Like left -handed guitars.

[107] They're like 10 % extra for the vagina.

[108] Joe, next time you fuck it, try taking it out like fish in the bucket and fucking it out of the plastic thing.

[109] Yeah, like your hand.

[110] Really?

[111] It's so much better.

[112] Really?

[113] Brian has a tip.

[114] He's like the Martha Stewart of fake vaginas.

[115] Do you have a healthy tip?

[116] Do you like review sex toys?

[117] No, I don't review sex toys.

[118] Only technology shit.

[119] I should.

[120] I should review sex toys.

[121] You should totally do a full you fuck it version of a review when you fuck the flush line.

[122] I should.

[123] Take the food blog to the next life.

[124] And show us, like show us you fucking it.

[125] We don't want to, we don't have to see your dick and anything, but we should know that you really are fucking it.

[126] Like, you're naked.

[127] No, no, take a picture right after you're done.

[128] And we'll try to gauge the level, the level of satisfaction.

[129] Just fill my face the whole time using it, but that's it.

[130] Is there a fucking thing on this earth that's more disgusting than another dude's loads?

[131] If you think about it, if you had a choice to you and a guy pissing on you or shooting a load on you.

[132] Well, I'll take a piss.

[133] It's no brainer.

[134] You know it's longer.

[135] The load would get over.

[136] And you have a washcloth right there and a stand -up shower.

[137] So it's over really quickly Wow, that might be better You know?

[138] Maybe it's just a pool A load might be better Well, he's right It's quicker It's just like get it done Wipe it off You're not like sitting there for two minutes Getting pissed on I see what you're saying Maybe you get a laugh At the guy's faces He's like I see what you're saying But to me It's a dude just shot a load on me And I can't deal with I can deal with a dude pissing on me That's an act of aggression A guy's shooting a load on me He's like that guy basically just fuck me Yeah You know what I'm saying It's just snot from below You know it's just Yeah but it's just sort of it's just It's a mark.

[139] He's marking me. It's an accident.

[140] You've got to stop being so judgmental.

[141] But peeing is how you usually mark it.

[142] Animals usually use pee to mark.

[143] That's okay.

[144] Like I said, that's an active aggression.

[145] An active aggression, like urinating on me would not offend me nearly as much as dropping a load on me. That's just me, though.

[146] Bill, do you agree with that?

[147] Honestly, things that I don't really think of.

[148] What if it was a long beer piss, though, you know?

[149] That's what I'm saying.

[150] What if it was.

[151] Asparagus piss.

[152] Yeah, four hours sitting in Yankee Stadium.

[153] Right.

[154] Drinking beer in the hot sun.

[155] Are you a sports?

[156] You're not a sports fan at all, right?

[157] The only sport I watch besides mixed martial arts and boxing is pool.

[158] I watch professional pool, which is completely ridiculous.

[159] Actually, I'm watching the NBA finals.

[160] And I have to have the game on mute because I'm convinced the announcers hate my team.

[161] And it just gets insane.

[162] Dude, people get so fucking mad if they feel like someone's doing biased commentary.

[163] I get so much shit from dudes who are angry.

[164] me because I call the fight as I see it I try to be as objective as possible and have like no one's my favorite I don't want anybody in particular to win I just want it to happen I have a bunch of guys that I love watching when they fight because they're good but I don't I try to never like root for somebody right so I do my best to stay objective but I call it like I fucking see it some dudes get crazy just because they're so emotionally invested like me with the Celtics I want them to win and like you know like I've got invited to hey come on down watch watch game seven it's like I can't I can't fucking deal with all these I'm going to sit there by myself and I have to watch it on mute I can't be around a bunch of other people because there's going to be people there who don't give a fuck or they're going to be rooting for another team and I will literally have rage in me and no I've really been examining it like what's silly it is I heard the somebody told me that I think Jay Leno said was I wasn't into sports and he was just like what do I care if the peanuts beat the kangaroos and you know something like that.

[165] And it just really sort of was like, yeah, why do I give a shit?

[166] It's a trick.

[167] People think that the NBA finals are rigged, like that Kardashians going on TMZ saying the whole thing's rigged.

[168] Who is going on?

[169] Kim Kardashian?

[170] Robert Kardashian.

[171] I think is the brother of Kim.

[172] And he's like going on saying like, you know, the whole thing is a credible source that family.

[173] Well, I mean, one of the guys is a, are they going to reexamine the Warren Commission next?

[174] Take another peek at the Zapruder film.

[175] Yeah.

[176] Come on.

[177] Really?

[178] I heard the Kardashians looking into the moon landing.

[179] Doesn't somebody that in the Kardashians married to an NBA player, though?

[180] There were, yeah.

[181] That is true.

[182] And the NBA also had a ref that got busted with mob ties.

[183] And I loved how they acted like he was the only one.

[184] Oh, yeah, it was just him.

[185] Like, you wouldn't notice that if you were refereeing with him.

[186] Is he teeing everybody up?

[187] You know, like, if he bet the under and everybody's, like, fouling out and I mean, I know that's an exaggeration.

[188] It's one of the easiest games to fix.

[189] You know, they had a problem with that with professional pool.

[190] With professional pool, the only one time that a sports book ever put a line on the event, I forget what casino was at, but it was in Vegas, and it was a big tournament.

[191] These guys are grinding.

[192] They're out there, you know, professional pool players don't make much money, you know, even the best in the world.

[193] So there was an underdog, this guy, Mike LeBron.

[194] He hadn't won a big tournament like that in a long time.

[195] So they all got together and said, hey, Mike, guess what?

[196] You won the tournament.

[197] We're going to fucking bet on you.

[198] And they all threw in, and everybody dumped.

[199] And they all dumped.

[200] Mike LeBron won.

[201] They cleaned up.

[202] and the bookies never put a line on pool again.

[203] And did they obviously figured it out?

[204] Oh, fucking everybody knew.

[205] They're driving balls into the rail.

[206] They're fucking supposed to get out, ball in hand.

[207] They don't get out.

[208] They scratch.

[209] You know, there was a bunch of shots where dudes were like, what the fuck is this?

[210] They were obviously bad.

[211] Well, you know, they do their best, but these guys, high -level pros don't miss very often, you know.

[212] So they can fuck up and take a bad path on purpose and a path that gives them a high percentage of getting stuck behind balls or something like that.

[213] So they make errors on purpose.

[214] And you look at it, you're like, why the fuck would that guy play that like that?

[215] Like, this guy's the top of the food chain world champion.

[216] They're just trying to, a snooker player got busted recently for taking a 300 ,000 euro bribe.

[217] He was taking a bribe to, uh, to dump a bunch of matches.

[218] And this guy's like one of the very best in the world.

[219] He's like a top line.

[220] And snooker players make big bank.

[221] But apparently it's a common thing.

[222] Well, what was his vice?

[223] Money.

[224] That he took it.

[225] He just wanted money, you know.

[226] He said that they've done it before.

[227] and you know they got this guy on hidden camera and shit it was pretty pretty devastating for the whole snooker community because he's like one of their starbs what all eight people who are in the fucking snooker's huge over there bro you don't understand it i don't know what snooker is snooker is this crazy game it's like pool but it's played on a giant table a 12 by six and the pockets are really small and the balls are really small and they're colored and i don't know the exact rules is there mushrooms on the table is that from the 70s remember that bumper pool or something remember that i do remember bumper pool that shit was ridiculous.

[228] I forgot about that.

[229] Yeah, they had like little mushroom trees or something in the middle.

[230] Little rubber ones to bounce it off.

[231] That's because you didn't have space for a real table.

[232] So you get one of these goofy fucking things.

[233] And you had to make it more difficult.

[234] That's right.

[235] Yeah, that was the 70s, everybody.

[236] Put some sort of reference to drugs right on the table.

[237] Pool has always had a problem with people gambling and dumping money.

[238] It's like a common thing amongst guys who bet, like guys will back pool players and the pool players were dump and cut up the money because they know this way they're going to win.

[239] you know that whole world the world of gambling when you get gambling involved with anything and there's a lot of gambling on pro basketball i would just assume it's rigged wouldn't you yeah i mean i you know i i would think uh well i think the players make too much money um so it's very hard like that and the way the way to definitely do it is some sort of authority figure on the court like you know referee and umpire or something like that giving bad calls i went to the game when uh kevin garnett heard his knee against utah which i'm sure sure you still have on videotape.

[240] I don't even know what you're talking about.

[241] Hoop fan.

[242] I don't even know those humans.

[243] The referees were literally dictating the pace of the game.

[244] And it made like no...

[245] I'm trying to equate it to what you do.

[246] Be like if a guy had no stand -up and all of a sudden he was great at stand -up and then five seconds later again, oh yeah, he doesn't have any...

[247] It wouldn't be...

[248] It's not consistent.

[249] They were like calling everything, everything, everything.

[250] And then you could just see him loosen up the reins.

[251] Then a guy would literally take a dude's head off and they'd just like, no blood, no foul.

[252] and then all of a sudden it was like did these guys bet us it was almost like they bet like a specific number I don't know what it was but it was one of the weirdest called games guys have been busted for that though right referees have been busted for doing things that well they had they had that referee and I'm sure if other ones got busted maybe they kept it quiet I have no idea as usual I have like one story and then that becomes law I just spread it out over every sport and start pontificating Bill Barr is one of the more interesting conspiracy theorists that I know because Bill Burrow you'll start talking to him about it and then five minutes in he'll admit that he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about he saw a YouTube video like what's up with his GPS I'm one of the few people he doesn't use GPS I called him to give him directions I go you got GPS thinking I'm just going to give him my address nah I got a Thomas guide I got a fucking Thomas guide like a goddamn pioneer and like a pencil and like an eraser and you're like putting compass like directions on first of all you guys are acting like I'm churning butter You guys both had one like fucking five years ago, didn't you?

[253] Yeah, well, I was on, I was, yes, you were.

[254] MapQuest.

[255] I was early, early on with the GPS.

[256] I had the first GPS.

[257] It was a CD -based GPS.

[258] It was a CD -ROM base, so I only had a map of Los Angeles.

[259] I've never even used those books.

[260] I think I've just always used like MapQuest and stuff.

[261] And maybe before that, my mom would like write down the directions on like a napkin.

[262] When I first moved here, I used it.

[263] Yeah, I had it written down on an envelope.

[264] How to get here.

[265] was no problems it was very easy when i first moved to la i had a thomas guy but i haven't had one a long time for la that just seems impossible it is impossible there's so many pages you don't want to think don't use your brain let the computer do it that's right type in the zip code let a british woman tell me what to do so what is your deal with gps you think the gps is possibly dangerous i think it's a waste of money then also one of my many uh non -researched opinions is i just don't like that that the fact that there's some sort of i don't know know what it they beam a signal up to a satellite it burns back down through the atmosphere and into my fucking car and there's somebody talking to me actually i think it doesn't beam anything out i think it just is like a receiver like it it's always being at you and it picks up what it's being beamed at you all the time yeah yeah i don't want that i don't want stuff always beamed at me no matter what you're getting it right now you're getting it right now how do you think i'm getting it if you receive it if you receive it like there's a beam coming at you okay If there's something to receive it like a box, like some sort of a GPS box.

[266] All that's doing...

[267] But all that's doing is receiving something that's already there.

[268] If your brain is going to be affected by it, it's getting affected by what's already there.

[269] No matter if you have a box or not.

[270] You guys don't know.

[271] I have lead.

[272] I have lead on the inside of my thing.

[273] You guys, I'm going to die earlier because you guys don't want to fucking use a Thomas guy.

[274] Yeah.

[275] Why would you think the GPS would be dangerous, though?

[276] It's like the radio being dangerous.

[277] Or there's Wi -Fi.

[278] We're doing this.

[279] We're broadcasting the show to you.

[280] That plastic bottle you're drinking out is more dangerous.

[281] It is if you leave it in your car.

[282] See that classic bar room point right there.

[283] That plastic bottle is more dangerous.

[284] Really, you just got done doing research on that, didn't you?

[285] You have no idea.

[286] Yeah, it is because actually, like he said, if you keep it in your car...

[287] Yeah, these things sit in female hormones.

[288] Yeah, being heated up and in a warehouse maybe.

[289] Hopefully not.

[290] But they say that if you leave one in your car and it gets really hot out, it actually releases chemicals that, especially for men, are not good for you.

[291] Like, female chemicals.

[292] Even if you have, even if it's just in here, just the fact that's in a plastic container is.

[293] Yeah, the chemicals are in the plastic See, well now you're on my page See, I like how you're concerned about this That's what I'm saying You're not concerned about the anything And don't even hear with that Dude, you're gonna fucking die anyway It always ends up going to that By the way, he just quits Like a month ago Right, so Oh, there you go That's like a buddy mine I had a buddy mine was giving me shit When I went I was about ready to head out A friend of mine was I don't know it's a long story I don't name names what the fuck I was doing.

[294] I was doing something we were going to go celebrate.

[295] We're going to go get shit face.

[296] So this guy is married and he has a kid.

[297] So then he used to be a fuck -up.

[298] So I'm not married.

[299] I don't have any kids.

[300] And he sends me a text.

[301] He's like, you know, dude, it's pretty funny.

[302] You know, how, like, how things turned out.

[303] He's like, I'm married and I have a kid now.

[304] And responsibility and you're still out partying.

[305] And it's just like, it's just one of those things that fucking people, just because you have a kid, they think that automatically makes you're responsible you're still a fuck up you just have it you're just passing it on now well what's really funny is the the nobility that they attach to it and this is coming from someone who has two children but i used to get so annoyed when i would talk to people who had kids and they could would compare their life to my life they'd be like well look at you you know you're just a single guy just running around being a single guy what what the fuck you do we have to make people is this is there a shortage of fucking human beings there's six billion of us all right there's plenty of people you're not more noble because you're raising a person.

[306] I commend you for it.

[307] I hope you enjoy it.

[308] I hope you, you know, you really commit to it and you raise a good person.

[309] It doesn't turn out to be a fucking psycho, but it doesn't make you a more noble person because you have a child.

[310] Yeah, that some of them think that.

[311] I mean, they're more moral, they're more just, they're doing the right thing.

[312] They're not being silly with their life.

[313] It's so stupid.

[314] But this guy really wanted to go out and get wasted, and he was jealous that I can continue to live my sad, lonely life.

[315] They're sticking in your face.

[316] It's funny.

[317] As a single person.

[318] So that I, but he's a good shit, though, because I called him up the next day.

[319] I'm like, dude, you fucking failed a drug test like six months ago, and you took a header off your front steps walking your dog down the street, and you had a red mark looking like fucking Jimmy Snooker when I can't met you, right?

[320] And you're giving me shit?

[321] Jimmy Snooker!

[322] Yeah.

[323] He comes with a Jimmy Snooker reference, the Superfly.

[324] Remember that?

[325] He would get on the top row?

[326] Yeah, and all that scar tissue up there.

[327] I love you.

[328] He did have that scar tissue.

[329] That's for the old school.

[330] guys would cut their own forehead to bleed oh yeah you know he's he's uh he's related to uh the rock is he really the rock is somehow related to superfly snook i think that was his uncle you really if you could somebody name me a cooler uncle than jimmy superfly snooker that's it possible yeah especially if you turn it to be a wrestler yourself he was um jimmy superfly snooka was my favorite when i was in high school he was my number one bob backlin was pretty good because he had a real wrestling stance i appreciate that yeah he went in there and looked like he really knew how to wrestle he would arm drag dudes and shit you know i heard he didn't like a lot of the uh the characters really it's almost like a joke writer hating a performer you know he's he's in there doing like the well he was a real wrestler you know what really sucks about wrestlers wrestling is one of the toughest sports in the world but there's no professional avenue for it they tried it they tried a professional wrestling league a few years back but nobody wanted to watch it just it hasn't caught on when things haven't caught on it's very hard to get them to catch on unless it's something fucking crazy like mixed martial arts mixed martial arts is so crazy crazy and so primal, then once that started getting on TV, everybody's like, whoa, holy shit, you know, just gets everybody in.

[331] You're not going to get that from wrestling.

[332] But wrestling is easily more exciting than a lot of sports that are already on TV, including, you know, soccer.

[333] Soccer's not as exciting as wrestling to me. I would way rather watch, like, really good wrestling.

[334] I would like, I can defend soccer.

[335] I don't mind it.

[336] Not American.

[337] American soccer is like if L .A. plays, like, D .C. Right.

[338] The Columbus crew.

[339] Yeah.

[340] Yeah, that's horrible.

[341] It's horrible.

[342] It's horrible.

[343] shit talking goes to a whole not a level you're talking there's wars won and lost between the two teams there's holocaust genocide yeah that's true fundamental and they're singing songs you know they're going nuts they got their elton john scarves on well do you hear what's going on in africa there's a forget what's what country does in africa but two people have been killed and a bunch have been arrested for watching the world cup because it's like a super extreme Muslim village that has a very extreme interpretation of the Quran and apparently the Quran does not allow gambling does not allow any sort of games and does not allow dancing and any of those things they'll lock you up for.

[344] So this is considered a game.

[345] No happiness.

[346] And so the World Cup is considered a game.

[347] So they're going door to door and arresting people for watching the World Cup.

[348] Brian, do you Google that real quick?

[349] Tell me what the fuck that is.

[350] By the way, how's that coffee taste?

[351] It's coming out of an animal's blood.

[352] I'm loving that.

[353] Oh, really?

[354] This is the butt coffee.

[355] Oh, it's really good.

[356] It's good.

[357] Isn't it, smooth?

[358] Yeah.

[359] There's a coffee called Kopi Luwak, and it comes from the butthole of a thing called a palm civet.

[360] There's this animal that eats coffee beans and shits them out.

[361] And they go through his digestive tract, digestive tract, and they pull these little beans out of his shit, clean them up, and sell them.

[362] And they make coffee out of them, and the coffee's super smooth.

[363] Is it an insect?

[364] No, it's like a cat, like a civic.

[365] You know what a civet is?

[366] It's this big, fucking, well, not big.

[367] This is bullshit.

[368] No, no, it's true.

[369] It's totally true.

[370] It's gross.

[371] It's called K -O -P -I -L -U -A -K.

[372] It's not a cat, it's a civet, but it looks like a cat.

[373] You know, it's got a long tail.

[374] It's like this weird animal that eats coffee beans.

[375] So it eats the beans, shits them out.

[376] And then somehow or another, I guess they thought the beans were worth too much money to let these animals eat.

[377] I'm like, fuck, let's not let them go to waste.

[378] Like, somebody must have been desperate when they first tried it.

[379] But now it's worth, like, a lot of money.

[380] I probably wouldn't have tried it unless I'm deep in this coffee coming out.

[381] I snucked in on you.

[382] But then.

[383] with it has it added a new flavor yeah it changes the it makes it more mellow it makes it taste better it really does it's good not that good i like my favorite coffee's from hawaii but uh i'm a coffee a moan stuck it in his armpit did you find the the story yeah it said simoleans are going underground to watch band soccer is that what you're talking about yeah there was a bunch of arrest too because the somalia is fucking buck wild man you know that people's coast car of Somalia, those guys that are just jacking people every day out there.

[384] I know the Janja Week.

[385] I remember those guys.

[386] Do you know what they're doing out?

[387] You know, the whole thing about Somali pirates.

[388] You know, they're high on a drug.

[389] They take this thing called cat.

[390] It's like a plant that they chew, like the leaves of this plant, and it's a narcotic.

[391] It's like crystal meth.

[392] Oh, so like the boy soldiers over there?

[393] I don't know.

[394] What's the boy soldiers?

[395] That's like when you're eight years old, but you're a soldier?

[396] Oh, well, yeah.

[397] I mean, there's the war out over there is incredible.

[398] Yeah.

[399] You see dudes with, like, hyenas on chains.

[400] and they're carrying around fucking rocket launchers down the streets.

[401] I mean, some of the, like Liberia, like some of the videos about, you ever seen the Vice Guide series online?

[402] These guys, they go to some of the craziest fucking places in the world, and you see some of the nuttyest shit.

[403] Like, they went to the Arctic Circle with this guy who lives up there in a fucking cabin in the Arctic Circle and hunts caribou all day.

[404] That's all he does.

[405] Like hunts and eats and hunts and eats.

[406] So it happens when you tap out.

[407] This guy's been there for 30 years, though.

[408] It's really fascinating.

[409] But anyway, they went to North Korea.

[410] and they also went to Liberia.

[411] And Liberia is fucking crazy.

[412] They are, first of all, there's been war in Liberia forever.

[413] Liberia was basically founded, from what I understand is they had American slaves that they let go.

[414] And they sent them back to Africa and they formed Liberia.

[415] And the UN was there until like really recently, like 10, 20 years ago or something like that.

[416] And now they're gone and the place is just chaos.

[417] It's just war and cannibalism is running rampant.

[418] They're eating each other left and right.

[419] They sell like human food on the corner, like human meat, and people don't know it, and they buy it, and guys turn people in.

[420] And there's this one guy, his name was General Butt Naked, because he would go to war, and he would get butt naked.

[421] And he believed that he could not be killed because he would eat the blood and flesh of an innocent child of the enemy.

[422] So they would go to the enemy's camp.

[423] They would steal a child, kill the child, and eat a piece of its fucking heart, because they felt like they wouldn't be able to die in combat.

[424] This is a guy that's alive right now.

[425] Sounds like a plan.

[426] you don't realize how fucking crazy the world can be until you watch what's going on in Africa yeah I mean I don't know I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I can only die once how do you think what do you think I don't think like you work out too much you wouldn't be worth Joe would be like a flank steak you know just some tough piece of meat you know and you want somebody more Joey Diaz would be delicious oh he'd be like veal and he could sell them for days if you think about the way Africa is right now with a lot of countries like Liberia and Somalia it really is like the apocalypse like if that was going on right here if that was over here if we if we were in in you know in fucking North Hollywood there was gangs that were eating each other and fucking shooting each other and walking on the street with hyenas we would go okay the end is here this is the end yeah but you know what I love about that shit those are the guys who win all these uh who's that not bill bixby what the hell's the name of that guy the uh the guy with he's been riding a bicycle out here forever solar panels and uh not bill bixby uh ed bagley oh ed bagley junior i'm bad with the names ed bagley june show yeah that he he's gonna be at the apocalypse comes he's gonna be fucked i have this theory that people who gather all this shit for it if you don't have uh you need a militia because if you don't all you're doing is you're just turning your house into a supply room.

[427] A target.

[428] Yeah.

[429] For the toughest guys who come down the block and then just take it from you.

[430] My car's like that.

[431] My car has like walkie talkies in it.

[432] It's got fucking like every single like thing like like sleeping bags just in case I'd have to escape this city real quick.

[433] But it's starting to get retarded.

[434] Like I have like batteries that I could recharge by the sun and stuff like that.

[435] Do you realize the level of heads up that you, how on the inside you'd have to be that this entire city wouldn't be like gridlock of people.

[436] leaving.

[437] Yeah.

[438] Yeah.

[439] Oh, this city would be the worst ever.

[440] They don't even know how many people in L .A. That's why I won't fill out the census.

[441] They're like, you know, fill out the census.

[442] So what the fuck is the point?

[443] There's about 20 million Mexicans that you don't have a count on.

[444] Like, they literally have no idea how many Mexicans are here.

[445] It's fucking just a flat out guess.

[446] And I'm not shitting on Mexicans.

[447] I would do the goddamn same thing.

[448] My grandparents were immigrants.

[449] I would be, I got no problem in immigration.

[450] I don't even believe in countries.

[451] I think the whole thing is ridiculous.

[452] I mean, I think if they came over here, yeah, I would fuck things up.

[453] But you know what?

[454] It's really, that's how it's supposed to be.

[455] You're not supposed to keep people impoverished in a shitty place just because, you know, you claim this patch of dirt and you don't let them over here.

[456] I think that's ridiculous.

[457] You know, if there weren't countries and you were just allowed to just sort of cruise around, like, where would you go?

[458] That would be the problem, was things would, they would level out.

[459] The problem is you let people go and move to wherever they want, and people are always going to move to the place where it's better and they're going to abandon their shitty place.

[460] But if you don't allow them, have to stay in their shitty place and make their shitty place better, which they're never going to fucking do.

[461] So you ensure that there's always going to be levels of people.

[462] The only way to keep levels other than that is just fucking be heavily armed.

[463] You have to be armed to the teeth.

[464] Your whole town would have to be an armory, you know?

[465] Like literally, if you wanted to keep people out, you would have to, like, constantly be shooting people.

[466] Plus the weapons they have now.

[467] I just love how they've been stealing money from our paychecks to basically invent these weapons that'll make it impossible for.

[468] There'll never be another revolution.

[469] No. Other than, you know who's doing it right?

[470] Is that guy out there in the Carolinas, the Blackwater guy, whatever.

[471] Whatever the fuck it's called.

[472] What are you talking about?

[473] Yeah, that Bill Bixby guy out there.

[474] The Bill Bixby.

[475] That fucking dude who, he buys like old F -16s and old tanks.

[476] And he basically, they're saying if he wanted to, could take over the White House in all of D .C. By the time they fucking responded.

[477] Who the fuck is this guy?

[478] he's fucking he's uh no no no blackwater so this is a private contractor yeah yeah i can't believe jesus christ i can't believe you haven't heard of the guy no well i know though there's a one guy that was comedy central has a development deal with him he's the final guy in show business if he was funny they would do it um yeah he has like he's got like his own thing did it come up eric prince isn't that the guy that got pop for murder he's uh he's being uh processed for a bunch of different things he's the guy he actually has his own he basically i from what i've heard has his own militia and actually hired he gets hired out by the u .s. government for them to go over there when they want to do some covert extra filthy shit yeah this is the this is the conspiracy theory i have a friend who went over there who worked for who he worked for blackwater he went over there twice dude two seconds ago you asked me who they were no i know who blackwater is i didn't know who this guy is that stores all this weapons and i thought you were talking about oh the head guy a private guy no no well i have a friend who he was it was a sniper in the marines and when he got out he went back over he went back i think he went to both afghanistan and iraq but he definitely went to afghanistan he went twice for money because uh he was opening up a gym a mixed martial arch gym and he needed some cash so he just went over there for a few months and he made like some ridiculous amount of money like something like 10 000 a month or something like that was a lot of money so for him they'd go over for a couple months make 30 grand you know did he do like the the stereotypical go up in the bell tower?

[479] Yeah, he was in a bell tower.

[480] Yeah, there was times where he was in a tower.

[481] It's Eric Prince is the owner of Blackwater, so I'm guessing that's what you're talking about.

[482] That's the guy that's in trouble, right?

[483] Right, and he's like fleeing and doing that.

[484] He's in trouble.

[485] See, they had to take him down because he got too powerful because he could basically, that guy could write out any sort of uprising, any sort of craziness.

[486] The economy went crazy or whatever.

[487] It's just like, yeah, well, I got good.

[488] guns and an endless bag of snow peas and a bunch of mercenaries that are loyal to you that you've paid forever you know you've been paying these guys to do all these campaigns for you overseas they're all murderers for you and you know you keep those guys on the line say hey you know we're going to run this shit i'm going to take care of you you take care of me you know semper five motherfucker black water for life the whole deal and then they're trying to go and when it goes down they can defend it but then when it always ends up happening is eventually is somebody always wants your title so someone would want to be him and that's how it goes down that's how it goes down in Mexico the drug lords you know it's just a matter of time before something happens with one of those fucking guys you got a guy who's got that much power that many jets and fucking machine guns and tanks and shit he's going to get a little nutty you want to use them you know what I mean it's like you bought a bag of fireworks you're just going to stick them in the corner of your bedroom wait till the next 4th of July you're not occasionally you're going to light off an M80 oh they like to use them have you ever I mean this is the first time, you know, in human history, or rather in the history of the United States that we've had to deal with mercenaries.

[489] We haven't had mercenaries in this country in a long, long, long, long, fucking time.

[490] This whole, like, giant mercenary corporation sort of a thing.

[491] This is very recent.

[492] This is just Cheney and Bush.

[493] They didn't use mercenaries during Clinton.

[494] There's no mercenaries during the Jimmy Carter days, you know?

[495] This is some crazy shit.

[496] Cheney and Bush, the haul and oats.

[497] I mean, the fact that they can hire these people to go do shit that you're not supposed to do.

[498] They can, the shit that's not in the Geneva Convention, shit that's totally illegal.

[499] We've been doing that for a while, though.

[500] I know we have, but we haven't been doing it this openly, you know?

[501] Oh, yeah, no. They just hire a company to do it.

[502] Well, I think it's like when wrestling finally just came out and said it's sports entertainment.

[503] They're like, all right, you know, we hire these guys for some filthy shit.

[504] What do you want from us?

[505] It's entertaining, though, right?

[506] Yeah, and they changed it to WWE.

[507] Well, they changed the name of Blackwater.

[508] What is it now?

[509] I don't know.

[510] Something short, something, you know, something happier.

[511] Yeah, bunny rabbits incorporated.

[512] Clear water, fresh drinking water for everybody.

[513] Babies are us.

[514] Fresh drinking water for everybody.

[515] Look at what's going on in Africa.

[516] Look what's going on in the Middle East.

[517] Don't you want somebody over there protecting you?

[518] They're just trying to keep America cool, keep our standard of life, keep our standard of living the same.

[519] I see that argument too.

[520] But then, you know, you see also the other argument.

[521] See, I don't believe in that whole that those guys have to live the way they live so I live the way I live so those guys on top can have as much as they have.

[522] Well, that's definitely much more likely.

[523] You know what's pissing me off the other day?

[524] But I think they also do keep...

[525] It's a twofold argument.

[526] One, it's like they keep conflict going on and the more conflict they keep going on, the more we're going to need government, the more we're going to need protection.

[527] I mean, that's been proven that they create conflict in other parts of the world in order to control different regions.

[528] They'll arm someone if they're enemy, is, you know, the other side and they'll fuck with things.

[529] We, we manipulated.

[530] Yeah, but all that bullshit where they go, where they say, where they justify like sweatshop labor and moving factories out of the U .S. And, you know, they just went around the unions.

[531] And then they just justified it by saying, you know, they always say in order to compete in a global economy.

[532] It's like, fuck you.

[533] It's like, in order for you to get another yacht.

[534] Yeah.

[535] You know what I mean?

[536] You can't legally pay a child, you know, whatever the fuck they pay over there.

[537] in America yeah you can't do it so they just went around all of that shit and then they stuck all of everybody's in cubicles now that's what scares me when I go on the road gets to who is they see because we were just talking about the military before we were talking about the military now we're talking about corporations yeah I'm talking about big business where I think corporations are at the end you know every quarter they have to show a profit they're at the end of legal ways to do it so now they're just straight up beginning to steal like my fucking bank that's taking 28 bucks a month out of my account for no reason.

[538] I didn't even notice, you know, on the road, one of those fucking accounts, you just, you know, have a couple hundred bucks.

[539] And I finally said, dude, why are you taking $28 out of this?

[540] And they did a, on the laptop.

[541] Oh, yeah, we shouldn't be doing that.

[542] Yeah.

[543] I go, all right, well, I've had this for five years.

[544] Let's go back.

[545] They go, unfortunately, sir, our records only go back four months.

[546] Yeah.

[547] Wasn't that convenient.

[548] I bet if I was getting $28 from you, you know, the other way, I bet they would fucking go back to the 60s.

[549] Same thing happened to me. It was three months.

[550] And this is what they said to me. I said, what if I bring in all my records?

[551] What if I bring in all my records?

[552] And then they go, sir, it was still, we're only going to reimburse you four months.

[553] I go, I go, that's ridiculous.

[554] And the guy at the bank goes, well, the bank looks at it like that's on you.

[555] Right.

[556] Because I didn't catch them.

[557] It's on you to pay attention that they're stealing.

[558] Yeah, it's, it's, it's, what he was basically saying, what he was lawyer up.

[559] Yeah.

[560] Lawyer up, buddy.

[561] Go ahead.

[562] Pretty much how it works is that's why you have 30 days, you know, for credit cards, You have 30 days to return shit.

[563] You have 30 days to make sure all these charges are correct.

[564] Once you get past 30 days, then you're pretty much screwed.

[565] They do other shit where if you say you're one of these guys, I pay off my balance every month and you think you're getting them.

[566] This is what they do is if you pay it three days before, this guy was telling me it ends up being late because they send it somewhere else to be processed.

[567] They deliberately, they artificially delay it.

[568] So by the time it does get to them, it's messed up.

[569] I mean, this is one of those other things.

[570] Someone told me that in a Starbucks.

[571] And it might not be true.

[572] I got three quarters away through the sentence, and I realized I didn't have any official words to use there.

[573] I do know there has to be something our official because nowadays you can write a check and within hours that check clears your bank.

[574] And I'm like, that's a check.

[575] And it's going through in two hours.

[576] And they're like, yes, this is, you know, technology is changed in the banking system.

[577] So this is new.

[578] But yet if you try to pay something off or do something like that, it's like immediately, or I mean, it takes like three days on your, like, for funds, you know, it takes like three days.

[579] What?

[580] It makes no sense.

[581] It can be backwards.

[582] It's artificial.

[583] However long they can hold on to your money, they make interest off your money, too.

[584] So I guess if you think about it like that, like, you know, if they hold on to your money an extra few days before they do something and you add that up over, you know, the million people they have in their bank and the 365 days a year, that practice probably nets them a significant amount of money.

[585] If you look at it like that.

[586] You know, 28 bucks from every shithead like me who doesn't check for a fucking year.

[587] And I didn't notice until it went under a thousand bucks Because I knew I had a thousand something in there It was one of the accounts I had back east So I came out here and I was always meaning to close it out I had like 1200 bucks or something in it And then all of a sudden I'm out here for like a year and a half And all of a sudden I get my statement And it was like down to like 900 something bucks And that is on me It is on me because I didn't realize that your bank could fucking steal from you And then just say well you know go fuck yourself That's kind of your fault tell you what we'll give you like 80 90 bucks back all right there buddy is that what they gave you they gave you like three months back i don't even know if they did the guy just said he would i walked out disgusted and then uh the NBA finals started bread their circus and I started watching that and I never followed up there's actually something that just passed you guys especially the audience might want to check this out uh used to be a credit card like a bank or a credit card could like if you had like seven charges go through at the same time they can take out all those seven charges and then charge you seven overdraft fees.

[588] That's how they used to be able to do it.

[589] But something just passed recently that you could tell your credit cards and your bank that if there's no money in your account, you're not allowed to pull money out.

[590] So they're trying to trick you into signing and going, no, let's keep it the old way.

[591] So they'll call you up or they'll tell you like, hey, you know, you want to make sure all these charges go through, right?

[592] Yeah, well, you need to accept these new.

[593] Is that what that letter was about?

[594] That's what that new letter is.

[595] That letter was that I blew off?

[596] Yeah, don't blow it off until all your credit card companies know that if there is no money in the account you don't want it to go through and you'll save yourself all those over you'll you'll never have an overdraft charge again forcing overdraft fees on people they're trying to they're trying to go back to the old way where like you would have seven things go through like a three dollar charge and then you get charged $39 for an overdraft fee you're like well why did it go through I had no money in my account you know made a deposit to cover it they let they input the deposit last last right and then bang bam bam and they nail it well deposit takes you know 90 days to go through where the charge only takes three seconds.

[597] I'm sorry sir.

[598] I know, I understand there's nothing we can do.

[599] I love that.

[600] That's what you always get.

[601] There's nothing we can do.

[602] I don't nip you.

[603] I got on a plane ticket the other day and I show up and all of a sudden I don't have a seat reservation.

[604] I have one on the way out.

[605] Well, it's oversold.

[606] Well, I didn't do that.

[607] And then the lady has like an attitude with me. And it's like, what the fuck?

[608] I spent four, 500 bucks.

[609] They asked me where I wanted to sit.

[610] I picked out the fucking seat and I was told to have a reservation and then you oversold you oversold against the law.

[611] So you said somebody pays for a car and you go, okay, your car's waiting for you and the guy comes down, no, no, it was oversold.

[612] I oversold the car.

[613] I should be against the law.

[614] I wanted to make sure I sold the car so I sold it twice.

[615] Yeah, but that's not even as bad because you can get in your car and fucking drive home.

[616] Imagine if they go What if somebody dropped you off there?

[617] No, no, we oversold whatever car you have so they had to come and take yours and took it away and you're fucking sitting in your house going, yeah, I'm sorry, sir, there's nothing we can do.

[618] How can they do that?

[619] I don't care if they're losing money.

[620] How can they sell more seats than there are seats?

[621] That should be a fucking fraud.

[622] They figured out a way to have, like, remember 10 years ago when used to go on the road, how many times was the seat next to you empty?

[623] And occasionally you'd get the whole row and you curl up back in the good old days.

[624] The good old days.

[625] When does that happen now?

[626] It never happens now because they'll always say like...

[627] They cancel flights and jam people together.

[628] There you go.

[629] They don't give a fuck about your convenience.

[630] That's right.

[631] And they'll just give away tickets to people that will, like, hey, you get a free ticket if you, you know, wait till the next flight.

[632] So they're not actually overselling it because they'll get rid of those tickets for you.

[633] You know what, though?

[634] The way I look at it, you have to have fucking airlines or I wouldn't have a job.

[635] I literally need airlines to get along.

[636] No, no, I'm not saying.

[637] Most people don't.

[638] I'm not against airlines.

[639] I'm not against telling me I have a seat, and I don't.

[640] I hate that, too.

[641] But whatever the fuck they have to do is stay in business.

[642] For us, for comics, could you imagine if you had a fucking drive to all your guys?

[643] gigs.

[644] Could you imagine if you had a drive if you had a New York gig?

[645] Okay, I got a gig on Friday in New York so it's Monday.

[646] I'm packing up my car.

[647] Could you fucking imagine?

[648] No, you don't be great.

[649] Would it be immediately how regional all our comedy would become.

[650] Back in the day in Boston.

[651] I had like jokes when I, there was a chain like 7 -Eleven called Christie's.

[652] Remember that?

[653] Yeah.

[654] I don't know.

[655] I forgot the first time I did a gig outside of Boston.

[656] I think it was like New Hampshire and I had some stupid joke about winning the lottery how nobody respects you like you move into a rich neighborhood and they're like what do you do i'm a doctor i did this i'm a brain surgeon what do i say oh i went to christies like you know meaning i got a lottery ticket it wasn't even a good fucking joke to begin with and then i went up to new hampshire and i told the joke and i'm like i went to christies it was the first time i used a reference that nobody fucking got and i was remember the high five you were gone by then the high five gig where was that the top of the only skyscraper in like manchester new hampshire oh no no one one yeah yeah and i ate my balls I used to do a lot of local material When I was living in Boston Because it would kill You know So you do jokes about girls in Revere With a big bulletproof hairdoes And a lot of like regional shit And then when I would go on the road It was like I was disarmed Like none of my references would work I would tell Revere Beach joke And you would get like recognition laughter in Boston But when you're on the road They just, okay Where's the joke?

[657] Well you remember those guys And they'd have to They'd go down to Jersey to be like, what's the equivalent to Revere Beach down here?

[658] Yes, yes, yes.

[659] You got to regionalize all your references.

[660] The only time that's happened lately is if I go over to Europe and I was saying to somebody the other day, one of the few things that not only I didn't have to change but fucking destroyed was a reference to Rick Flair.

[661] Really, the wrestler?

[662] Rick Flair, that's how big those guys are.

[663] Wow.

[664] Fucking destroyed in London.

[665] Dublin and Glasgow, Scotland.

[666] Well, they have a lot of American, you know, American culture over there, England especially.

[667] I find it English, American comedians translate way quicker to England than England due to American.

[668] Yeah, we're like, yeah, we're snobs over here.

[669] We hear like a British accent.

[670] We're like, English.

[671] Yeah, but I mean, it's, but I'm saying, like, the comedy doesn't translate as well.

[672] They have a very specific type of humor, but they get ours, you know.

[673] Yeah, I don't know what I feel like.

[674] I fight when British comedians or comedians from over there, I either love them or I not only do I not like them, but I feel like they're like 15 years behind the time, which is odd because...

[675] It's so nice over there.

[676] It's almost like the attitude they have as a country, as a culture, hampers their ability to tell real stand -up.

[677] Because real stand -up, there's a part of real stand -up.

[678] It's like, what the fuck are you doing?

[679] You know, they don't have that.

[680] They don't get that.

[681] But somehow it comes out in their music, though.

[682] Like, it always seems like, you know, everything from like the sex pistols to fucking Ozzy, Osborne, all these broke, angry fucking dudes.

[683] It comes out of fighting, too.

[684] There's a lot of tough MMA guys that come out of the UK.

[685] Yeah, somehow.

[686] I'm trying to think.

[687] They're more polite.

[688] There's something about their humor.

[689] It's just like they're...

[690] You know what is?

[691] It's cheeky.

[692] Isn't that the word that they use?

[693] Cheeky?

[694] I don't know what it is.

[695] Some of them are really good, you know?

[696] It's just, but some of them are just, it just doesn't...

[697] You know, and I think, first of all, the style of comedy that you and I come from to, you get very spoiled for a certain particular type of comedy.

[698] Boston comedy is a very specific kind of comedy.

[699] If you stop and think about how many good comics have come from Boston, you know, Jay Leno came from Boston, Stephen Wright came from Boston, guys that people don't know that are probably better than 90 % of the fucking people that are like big -name comics, like Gavin.

[700] Don Gavin's one of the funniest guys ever walked the fucking face of the earth.

[701] He's a monster.

[702] He's a masterful comedian.

[703] I think it's all like the East Coast.

[704] I think all the way down to like DC, the amount of guys.

[705] but I think that's also But Boston was a rare place Because we're from Yeah Boston does have a lot of big guys Because they didn't leave They didn't leave Those guys stayed there No one left Boston The big monsters Steve Sweeney Kenny Rogerson Those Don Gavin Mike Donovan When I was a kid Okay And I when I first started doing open mics there And those guys were all the national Headliners Or the local headliners Rather they'd be at Knicks And they'd be at The connection I remember sitting there Watching those guys And they would have like some national guy would come through like Billy Crystal and Billy Crystal would come through and they would put on Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney and fucking and Lenny Clark in a row and then bring up Billy Crystal.

[706] Yeah, it wasn't fair.

[707] They did it on purpose.

[708] Yeah, oh yeah.

[709] They knew that the level of comedy was so high there and these guys were only doing 20 minutes, tight.

[710] The same 20 minutes they were doing for five years.

[711] A lot of them were doing local references.

[712] Dude, I don't give up, if you put on four local headliners in front of me, if I I'm on the road.

[713] Yeah, I'm fucked.

[714] You're fucked.

[715] Well, you're fucked for the first couple minutes until you can get them into your groove.

[716] But people love local shit.

[717] And in Boston, especially.

[718] Boston is such a city that's in love with being from Boston.

[719] Mike Donovan was one of my favorite.

[720] His name doesn't get brought up enough for people top to grade.

[721] He used to do that joke about, his comedy was so blue collar and I was coming up, you know, working in warehouses and stuff.

[722] It was weird.

[723] Both my parents were professional white collar, but I was a moron so I fucked up in school so I had like blue -collar job so his comedy was just right out over the play he did something he had some sort of back and forth with the boss and he made this reference you know basically tell him the boss to go fuck himself he said I'll take a 20 minute shit on the clock if I want to and I fucking fell out because it was always that lazy fuck wouldn't help unload the trucks he had every goddamn trick in the book on how to somehow make that eight -hour day go by and one of them was when he would grab the herald of the globe to go take a shit and it would somehow take like fucking 40 minutes every day dunovan was a uh he's another one he's a master there was a bunch of guys that were around back then i mean they're still around i'm sure donovan if you live in boston you could probably find him headlining somewhere i mean he's still doing comedy i'm sure right i know he ran a foul into the irs for a bit he owed a lot of those guys that were working for cash for a long time they weren't paying taxes on it i didn't hear anything about that i heard they were all up to date I don't know what you're talking about, Joe Yeah, you're right You know what, I miss heard I miss heard I think those guys out in Long Island I think some of them did that Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I miss heard Oh, here's another one It doesn't get brought up Teddy Bergeron You ever get a chance to see Teddy Bergeron?

[724] Holy shit, that guy was good Let me tell you something I saw that guy in 1988 I was at an open mic night It was one of the first times that I thought about quitting comedy I went up It was an open mic night And I went up And I did my little five minutes of fucking nonsense stupid terrible bad comedy just trying to make people laugh didn't know what the fuck i was doing and didn't go so good you know those early sets it was like one of my third or fourth sets so not so good clumsy you know maybe one laugh and then i fuck it up with a swag punchline and i just didn't know what i was doing teddy burseron goes up and just so fucking smooth smooth and relaxed and the way he would talk just like mesmerizing and i had heard about his night show fucking said he had just done it the tonight show and somebody had a video of it and they played the video and he plays the fucking piano he does like this talks about commercials and he plays the piano and talks about it's so fucking smooth and so good you would you would look at him and go okay this guy's going to be gigantic this guy's going to be bigger than than robin williams he's going to be the biggest stand -up comic of the country never left boston just stayed yeah they all stayed i don't yeah they were they would it was like townies they were like townies but but comedians but they all got work they all got work in Boston they didn't have to leave see when they were working at next comedy stop and they were working at you know stitches and all these different clubs they could hop around from club to club like there's a that that um that you see that documentary franzalamita did yeah stand -up stood out yeah and you know lenny clark talks about all the different sets that he did he would do all these different sets of night and how we'd go from here to there and there to there and close they'd be making 1500 bucks a night yeah and he just hired a driver just to wait outside and do all the sets.

[725] What I love about those guys is there was almost like a height requirement too.

[726] Like they were all like fucking six two, six three.

[727] Huge guys and they could like literally would have like a keg of beer over one shoulder and like an eight ball in their hand and would just be going from club to club destroying.

[728] Destroying.

[729] Hammered and do it blow all the way.

[730] Just to keep their buzz going.

[731] And then to the end of the night, dude, I heard some fuck that that back room at Knicks, man. Oh, they offered to pay me and Coke.

[732] what yeah they would offer to pay you in coke yeah that was the deal did they go you do coke oh no we can pay in coke no i'll take cash yeah i'll take cash yeah i'll take cash what the fuck like i thought there was a joke i didn't realize they pay you in coke they offered to pay you in coke and that was what a lot of guys did a lot of guys got some of their money in coke because i guess are comedians and porn stars to two uh careers that can get paid in coke if it had to come down to it yeah i would say probably bands too probably a lot of bands a portion of it Boxers back in the day.

[733] They'd give you some chips.

[734] You ever see that?

[735] I know it's just a photo op thing, but you ever see that great picture of Sonny Liston?

[736] Yeah.

[737] Where he's, looks like he just knocked somebody out and he's sitting there still in his boxer trunks, hands taped up.

[738] I think his hands were on, but that had to have been a promotional.

[739] Even those mob guys would be like, come on, Sonny.

[740] Let's get you showered here.

[741] Yeah, let's get you shower here.

[742] Don't you think the starting out in Boston was like one of the best places you could have ever chose to begin your comedy career?

[743] I think about that a lot.

[744] So lucky.

[745] Whenever I think about that, because...

[746] When did you start?

[747] What year?

[748] I started in March of 92.

[749] It was like 23, almost 24.

[750] So I started a little bit late.

[751] And I remember just some of the times, like, when I've gone on the road and you meet the up -and -coming guys, like, yeah, the comedy scene here sucks and blah, blah, blah, blah.

[752] Like, it sucks so bad, like, they don't even know what to do.

[753] Yeah.

[754] And you always tell them, well, just go out and start a room.

[755] Like, some of them, like, you know, the scene so bad, they don't even think of doing that.

[756] It's like, when you start a room.

[757] It's like, go pick a fucking sports bar that does no business on a Monday, Tuesday, and tell them that you're going to get people in here.

[758] You know, lie to them.

[759] You're going to get people to come in to watch these fucking open micers do five minutes each.

[760] Dude, the first time I ate my fucking balls on stage, I was doing this place like Kelly's something or rather in either Redding or North Reading.

[761] It doesn't exist anymore.

[762] This comedian, Jack Lynch, booked it.

[763] And there would literally be like a Bruins game on TV.

[764] Yeah.

[765] And they wouldn't.

[766] shut the game on either.

[767] Fuck no. No, you had to do comedy over the game and the volume for the game was still on too.

[768] A lot of those gigs down the Cape I did a lot of those gigs and you'd find out the fucking game was on while you got to like fuck the game are they gonna leave the game on that was like always an issue yeah you're gonna leave the game off they would turn the game off everybody would go what the fuck you fucking shutting the game off you're shutting the fuck and then you would have to go do comedy for a bunch of people were angry at you for shutting the game it was brutal and I remember the second question other than are you going to are you going to shut the game off is there a stage that was another thing no you just stand you just stand right over there dude I remember doing a gig this is how green we were it was me Al Del Benny Patrice O 'Neill and I want to say Dane Cook was on it and we were so Bobby Kelly I think it was his gig that he booked we were so green and years later I finally figured it out they gave us this microphone it was a lapel mic oh my god so we had to go up and and do comedy with just like a lapel on like we were doing letterman but we was so green we didn't know that you clipped it on so you're all standing there holding i swear to god holding a lapel mic i remember patrice he's like fucking six five holding because i remember that's right del benny al del benny was hosting he's like what the fuck is up with this mic he's like this is the smallest mic ever look i'll put it my head in his mouth and we're all laughing at them like yeah what a half -ass fucking gig and we were so stupid that we didn't understand what it was and like he would let it Al would bring me up and then hand me the mic like a teacup with his pinkies out pinky out and I would just be like hey keep it going for Al and my dad was he was pretty nuts growing up with like three fingers up in the air holding this thing have you done stand up on a talk show with a lapel mic yeah I actually really like it do you yeah I like thought about going Bobby Brown style on stage you all ready for this I know Chris Titus does that Titus wears like a headgear thing I don't like that I don't like jackets and I don't like I don't like the head I don't know how you do comedy with a jacket on I don't mind it if it's cold if it's cold I'll wear a jacket I can wear a zip up I can wear a zip up but the sport coat it just doesn't move with the shirt I wore a sport coat the first time I went on stage because I thought that's how you're supposed to dress I had a sport coat with the sleeves rolled up like this I was talking about that Miami Vice T -shirt I had a wacky t -shirt a t -shirt with like a silly smile on it because I thought that's how and a pin I had like a button or something on my fucking sports coach did you guys see chris rock on lino the other day just owning oh that was so great what happened just fucking with like jay what you do it here with last time i was here is a dude red hair he goes and then he started saying that kevin the band guy you got a cheaper brother and the guy's like man that's cold because he's he's it's pretty funny he attacked he attacked it was uncomfortable he kept on going into like you could tell j one you're like You guys do something else.

[769] It was perfect.

[770] Dude, that is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

[771] What is?

[772] How he got that show back.

[773] Oh, yeah.

[774] Yeah, it's crazy.

[775] I don't, I don't disagree with him, though.

[776] Look, you know, everybody puts it this way.

[777] Look, the guy was on top.

[778] He was fucking number one.

[779] Number one.

[780] And they come along and say, we're going to lose you or we're going to lose Conan unless we give him the tonight show.

[781] So we want to give him the tonight show.

[782] And he's like, what?

[783] Fucking really?

[784] You're going to take my gang away from me?

[785] And so he goes, okay, all right, I'm going to under duress, he offered.

[786] Offers to give up the gig in five years.

[787] See, that's the thing.

[788] But he's number one.

[789] I don't think it's under duress.

[790] He was number five.

[791] I think he's brilliant.

[792] But he was number one.

[793] So he gets kicked off.

[794] They put this new guy on.

[795] The new guy is bombing.

[796] He's eating dick.

[797] Okay, that's what no one wants to talk about.

[798] Conan O 'Brien on the Tonight Show wasn't that good.

[799] Yeah, but Lenno's doing the exact same ratings right now as as Conan was.

[800] Oh, no, time on.

[801] No, no. We're going to go back to that.

[802] It dropped substantially.

[803] It dropped substantially from where it was before.

[804] From where it was when Leno was hosting it to work.

[805] Yeah, but ratings.

[806] I can refute all that They fuck Conan Hold on a second They fuck Conan By not letting him do any of his Couldn't do the masturbating bear Couldn't do all these different Different sketches Couldn't do triumph the insult dog Couldn't do any of that shit All right But here's a thing too It's an 11 o 'clock show If when Jay Leno got to tonight show Right If he had to follow Johnny Carson bombing for an hour You're totally right about that That was the worst decision ever But that's like a comedian If a comedian bombs in front of you Right for an half hour in front of you.

[807] I mean, you got to spend...

[808] Well, not only that.

[809] You got to spend...

[810] Jack the Tonight Show, because the Tonight Show was always the late night show where guys would go on and all the guests would go on and it would be like an important spot.

[811] Well, the 10 o 'clock spot became just as important.

[812] So he was like...

[813] They were like siphoning off guests.

[814] Like, you know, you couldn't have a guy who's promoting, you know, Mel Gibson goes on Jay Leno show and then goes on Tonight Show as well.

[815] No, you're only going to have one or the other.

[816] Yeah, and TV is all about the leading.

[817] So the battle for guests, yes.

[818] So the brilliance of it was Jay bombing actually fucked Conan.

[819] They gave Conan we had the show for like six months but before they started going like all right let's get this guy out and he got it back now I think I think taking I mean I think it was a brilliant move I think it was a brilliant brilliant brilliant the way Jay played it was absolutely brilliant I don't think he bombed on purpose no no I'm not saying he bombed on purpose but the way he played it like yeah yeah sure I'll do it and then the fucking 12th hour yeah I'm gonna leave but I'm not retiring and then they freak the fuck out So, like, he, I don't, this is how we look at it.

[820] Like, I understand Jay being like, look, I have the number one show.

[821] What are you kicking me off for?

[822] He's totally right about that.

[823] But I also, I don't look at Conan like he failed.

[824] Like, Conan, no, no, Conan got fucked.

[825] Conan got fucked.

[826] Yes.

[827] He got fucked because.

[828] I completely agree.

[829] But what I'm saying is you got to realize that Jay Leno had the number one spot.

[830] He was number one in the late night wars before they gave it to Conan.

[831] So why would he give a fuck?

[832] If they gave the show to Conan, then offered it back to him, why would he not take it?

[833] Conan took it from him I don't But everybody's making it out like Jay is this asshole For taking Conan's job Like wait Conan took his job Conan's not a poor man He's a rich man Like we're really worried about him here It didn't work What's fucked up about it Is Conan keeps saying Don't feel bad for me He made a great little He said a great little thing On his last episode He said don't be cynical You know Blah blah I hate people who are cynical He said this really positive thing Don't feel bad for me He played fucking Free Bird with the band Went out like a man And that was it He's never bitched about it or any of that type of shit.

[834] Dude, they gave him $40 fucking million dollars.

[835] I think that would smooth things over a bit.

[836] See, no matter what Conan does, he's an asshole.

[837] I don't think he's an asshole.

[838] No, no, no, no, no. He also, he gave a lot of that money.

[839] He gave a lot of that money out to people he worked with.

[840] I know he did.

[841] If they wanted to fucking move back, he felt bad for those guys.

[842] The only thing that I find annoying about Jay Leno is acting as though he isn't a shrewd businessman.

[843] That whole, I mean, I didn't want to go on 10.

[844] I'm going to 10.

[845] He does do that, but if that's how he wants to portray himself, who gets a fuck?

[846] That's fine.

[847] But I'm saying that's the only thing that's fucking annoys about the whole thing.

[848] The only thing that annoyed me was when everybody's making a big deal like, Jay's taking Conan's job.

[849] But Conan took Jay's job.

[850] And Jay took Johnny's job.

[851] He fucking forced him out.

[852] Did he really?

[853] Yeah.

[854] I don't know about that.

[855] How did you force him out?

[856] That fucking book I read.

[857] I read the late shift.

[858] That fucking book I read.

[859] The fucking late shift book I read.

[860] It's hilarious how much people pay attention to these late -night war.

[861] No, but this is the thing, though, if Jay only got, first of all, J without Johnny bombing in front of him going on after like fucking ER and Seinfeld and all those hit shows, dude, it still took him 18 months.

[862] Remember, Letterman was kicking the shit out of him.

[863] Yes, until he got Hugh Grant on.

[864] It took him 18 months to get it going to get a gone.

[865] To give him only six fucking months, and he's got to follow the previous host, eating his balls for a half hour in front of him.

[866] It was bullshit.

[867] It was a ridiculous idea.

[868] It was a ridiculous idea.

[869] idea.

[870] They were just afraid to let Conan go.

[871] And Conan was like, look, I want the fucking Tonight Show.

[872] And they didn't want to give it to him.

[873] They go back and forth.

[874] And so they give it to him.

[875] They thought that Jay's numbers were going to drop.

[876] In five years, they're like, all right, he's going to be pushing 60.

[877] Who's, you know, who's going to want to watch this now?

[878] That's the dumbest thing ever.

[879] A guy's going to, what?

[880] Johnny Carson got better as he got older.

[881] That's ridiculous.

[882] This is what I think.

[883] I think Conan's going to be way better off on a network that just lets him do whatever the fuck he wants.

[884] I think TBS is going to go crazy.

[885] And he owns his show, dude.

[886] He owns that show.

[887] It's going to be better.

[888] he's brilliant and you know when Conan is at his best when you get to see how funny it is like you ever see that the one sketch they did about um baseball a bunch of people who play baseball like uh like 1800s baseball they have like a vent they wear vintage clothes they make their own clothes oh yeah yeah yeah i saw that's fucking genius hilarious because he just goes balls out it's just him you know it's just him being funny if they i guarantee you they fucked with them too much when they switched him over to 11 o 'clock they probably cut all the the the the like the meat and the anything out of his monologues or out of his sketches they probably stopped them from doing a lot of shit yeah and he said when he left don't feel bad for me and people are still saying that he's uh he's whining which i don't get i mean he did he did jokes about it in his monologue what the fuck he's supposed to do yeah is there talking about maybe you're going to get replaced you're supposed to go out there and be like hey do you see the earthquake in Haiti it was funny when they had a car i think it was a bugatti a million dollar car and they played the rolling stones get no satisfaction and there was a sketch just to spend money oh yeah yeah Which I'm sure is bullshit But it's still pretty funny It's pretty funny that he did it like that Speaking of that I was watching one of those car auctions The other yesterday And I'm just sitting there looking at all these awesome old cars That I would love to own And as the price kept going up and up and up On some fucking like Ferrari It just was just I started to resent the people in the crowd Like are these the bankers?

[889] Is this what they did with the trillion?

[890] Who the fuck has the money?

[891] If you can bring it up for your listeners There's a fucking car in 1958 That BMW made It was designed by a guy Who actually was in refrigerating or whatever Literally the front of the car Fucking opens up like a refrigerator And you walk out the front And there's one back door It's like a mini car A 1950, I think it's a BMW 600 or 300 19th, there it is Bring that thing up, okay?

[892] What the fuck?

[893] It's a hunk of shit it's the I -S -E -S -E -T -A -1957 oh I've seen that before I've seen one of those it looks like a little mini -cuber yeah it looks just like it there's one in this European car magazine spent around so you can see so basically look it's got one wiper in the front it's a five -year -old could get licensed to drive the thing so this guy paid like 11 grand for he's like hey you know I'm hoping to get 30 35 I got 35 the fucking thing went for 67 5 $67 ,000 for that $67 ,500 for that hunk of shit Guys like Jay Leno, those car collector dudes They like to have like old cars Like rare old cars Yeah, but I don't mind Jay's money's clean He didn't stand up, he's doing that I'm talking about these other fucking guys It's like if you're not famous How do you know who's in the audience Where they got their money from?

[894] Dude, what are they all invented PlayStation?

[895] Maybe they own farms They fucking they sell LCD electronics Who knows?

[896] That's what I'm saying Well, let me ask you What do these fucking bankers spend all that money on?

[897] Dude, they took a trillion dollars where did it go they're at the fucking car auctions the amazing thing about that whole banker thing the whole bailout was that those guys still wanted bonuses they still wanted bonuses even though their bank failed and the government had to give them billions of dollars they're like let's be on that they got the fucking houses they got the bailout money they kept it then they're fucking guys like me 28 bucks a month our records only go back four months and they kept the money and they got the fucking houses back to do it again they're going to do it again cunts I swear to they should get the death penalty If you touch a kid You fuck with an animal Or you make old people eat dog food For the last 15 years of their life When they thought they were going to live In their houseboat or their dreams You should be fucking murdered Publicly Bernie Madoff dead Just kill him Bernie Madoff is a lightweight He's a lightweight 50 billion That's nothing But he was he only fucked over six people These guys fucked over a whole country It's six look it up It's on Wikipedia I'm kidding No Bernie Madoff Bernie Madoff is the sacrificial lamb.

[898] That guy should be killed, too.

[899] But he was the guy, like, the funny thing is, is people look at Bernie Madoff, and they look like, like, well, they took down one of the bankers.

[900] He's not a banker.

[901] He was like a fucking investment banker.

[902] Yeah.

[903] I don't know what I'm talking about.

[904] He was like one of those private guys.

[905] Like, Joe, I know what to do with your fucking money.

[906] Yes.

[907] He didn't have, like, an ATM that you could use.

[908] No. He was one of those guys, the Smith Barney guys, right?

[909] He fucked a lot of important people.

[910] Jesus, I'm stupid.

[911] Well, he fucked.

[912] bunch of people that should have known better you know there was a lot of people that were in the business that's how when i just like that i always thought fucked other rich people yeah we would they fucked most rich but he fucked also a bunch of uh like uh different uh jewish uh groups that had uh charities he fucked charities over he fucked a lot of people over but uh he was he was fucking over people that were in the whole the the the industry the financial industry so they should have known what he was doing was fucked up and they still were like but look at the returns and so they just dove in even though like none of it made sense.

[913] There was people that were calling for an investigation into his his firm like years and years ago and they ignored it.

[914] They just kept going.

[915] The guy was the fucking head of the FCC at one point in time.

[916] Or what is it?

[917] New York Stock Exchange.

[918] What was he the head of?

[919] Nasdaq?

[920] Was it NASDAQ?

[921] I don't know.

[922] I think he was the head of NASDAQ.

[923] And the, not FCC.

[924] He's the head of NASDAQ.

[925] And this fucking guy goes on to be the biggest Ponzi scheme mastermind in the history of the country.

[926] I mean, that's pretty incredible.

[927] A guy that like worked in the system.

[928] He must have known that it's impossible to figure it out.

[929] Like, I always, I never paid attention.

[930] Like, I look at the stock market, I see all those numbers going back and forth.

[931] And I'm like, what the fuck is all that?

[932] What does that even mean?

[933] You know, I, somebody knows.

[934] It's a crap table, dude.

[935] You know, it seems like it's all bullshit, but look, obviously there's this Alan Greenspan guy.

[936] Seems very bright.

[937] He's got everything under wraps.

[938] Someone knows.

[939] Until this whole financial collapse came along and this Bernie Madoff thing came along.

[940] I was like, oh, they don't even know.

[941] Nobody even knows.

[942] Nobody knows how this thing works.

[943] No, it's a, it's a belief system.

[944] That's crazy.

[945] You have, you at, you have have to believe that it was like i started reading what i did i started i started reading up on it and i started you know as i always do i read a little bit and then i start pontificating and then two follow -up questions and my whole argument falls on the ground but after reading a little bit more i read that book the case against the fed and uh i stopped talking to people about it because it's like if i really start informing people and everybody knows this whole thing is going to fucking collapsed.

[946] So I just became part of the line.

[947] So now I'm going to put your money in the bank.

[948] It's safe.

[949] It's insured up to 200.

[950] Really?

[951] And you're going to go with insurance companies?

[952] The only people are fucking more corrupt.

[953] Yeah, it's insured until it isn't.

[954] The craziest thing is when you go to New York and Times Square and you see that one building that has the national debt and how it's accumulating and it's just spinning.

[955] They had to add an extra fucking zero to it recently.

[956] Oh, yeah.

[957] No, they, they, they had, uh, like, we hit a point the legal amount of debt were allowed to have, so we didn't know what the fuck to do.

[958] So they had a quick meeting and then they just doubled it.

[959] They just doubled with a legal about it.

[960] Okay, so now it's not a problem.

[961] No, we're only halfway there now.

[962] So, um, yeah, dude, I got to admit, like this, there's a lot of terrifying things about living out here in Los Angeles, living in a city that is in a bankrupt state with a, you know, doesn't really have a water supply.

[963] technically you live in a fucking desert the property is like really overrun and all that crazy drug cartel shit I mean is essentially geographically it's right down the fucking street two hours drive it's like if you're living in Afghanistan and the war is two hours away you'd be like wow we're pretty close to the shit you know what I'm saying if we could take a road trip you want to go to the war today yeah literally especially when you're in San Diego whenever I'm down in San Diego you're fucking half an hour from Tijuana it's unsettling And those, you know something, this is something, I wish it was a Mexican comedian here right now.

[964] I really wish it was because this one, I've always wondered, is why they got so offended by that sign that has, that has, the running Mexicans.

[965] The running family across the street.

[966] Right.

[967] Why is that offensive?

[968] We don't want to run over you.

[969] People are embarrassed because they're embarrassed by the idea that Mexicans have to get into this country that way.

[970] Oh, I get it.

[971] It's embarrassing.

[972] And it's not realistic because there's only three people in the family.

[973] It's embarrassing, man. The whole idea about Mexico being that close, you know, it's got to be embarrassing.

[974] There's no other place in the world that I know of where there's a first world country connected to a third world country, you know?

[975] Yeah.

[976] But what the fuck is the solution?

[977] See, if you open the borders and you let people go everywhere.

[978] Like I said, this is not going to last.

[979] No, you can't.

[980] This standard of living that we have in America, it wouldn't be the same.

[981] If we had open borders and anybody could just emigrate to America, it would get fucked quick.

[982] Yeah, you've got to have the gated community.

[983] Well, that's what the United States is.

[984] It's like a big fucking gated community.

[985] Well, I don't think you should just be able to walk.

[986] Can I, like, we get a lot of shit for that.

[987] I mean, can I just, can you just walk into France?

[988] Can you do that?

[989] You can pretty much go anywhere you want to if you wanted to, you know?

[990] Well, I'm saying legally.

[991] Can I just start living in France?

[992] I don't know.

[993] I think you could go there.

[994] I know there's some countries that are really wrong.

[995] No, I know I can go there and.

[996] visit and get fucking dude I can actually that's one of my things I really want to do is I want to I would love to become fluent and be able to speak French and then go over there and act as the ignorant American just to hear the shit that they're saying and just act as dumb as I possibly my ex hey where's the awful tower ain't that big monolice is sitting there all expressionless my ex big fucking whoop blonde hair my ex just blonde hair girl but could speak Spanish so it was great.

[997] Like, she would have her own fun just going in, you know, and then, like, listening to people talk about her when she walked by and stuff.

[998] But she...

[999] They must talk mad shit.

[1000] Did she ever bust them?

[1001] Huh?

[1002] Oh, nonstop, she would bust them all the time.

[1003] Like, we'd be waiting online at Elpo Local and they would say, like, look at that chick's tits or something like that.

[1004] She'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[1005] But, like, you know, back in Spanish, or she was giving her a phone number, I don't know.

[1006] You know?

[1007] If you hear, like, Cinco, Cicose.

[1008] Yeah, Cinco, Cinco, Cs, Zero.

[1009] Gordo.

[1010] No, I got the Rosetta Stone Spanish speaking one You want to learn Spanish?

[1011] Dude, I got it in Christmas 08 Still in the box Plastic still on it It's like an elliptical machine It's like for me It's like those fucking Mavis baking Learned how to type I buy those fucking things Every couple of year Oh they got a new Learn how a type program Eventually I'm gonna learn how to type I use I type quick But I use fucking three fingers I use like these two and this one And I'll go Every down and then I'll throw this motherfucker in the mix Maybe three fingers in this hand And I kind of moved to two on this hand.

[1012] So I don't use the whole...

[1013] Types like a burn victim.

[1014] Like a lobster cluff thing going.

[1015] I type like I've had my hand smash with hammers.

[1016] But I always say I'm going to eventually get that fucking Mavis bacon.

[1017] I'm going to get on it.

[1018] Dude, you'll be, like, I'm really surprised at some of the shit that I finally...

[1019] Like, the only thing I ever worked on was being a comedian because I thought it was going to solve all my problems.

[1020] People are going to see me on stage.

[1021] He's funny.

[1022] And everybody's going to stop fucking with me. And everything was going to work out.

[1023] And then what ended up happens is the only thing I was, remotely decent at was being a comedian, so I finally learned how to start fixing shit.

[1024] Like what kind of shit?

[1025] Did I fix my toilet in New York?

[1026] I got a tenant back there, and he was bitching about something.

[1027] We got this fucking awful landlord.

[1028] He always comes in, I swear to God, with like, used parts from other apartments and they never work.

[1029] So I just looked in the back, like, I was just picturing how dumb he looks, yet he knows how to do it.

[1030] So I just, I don't know what it did.

[1031] I went on YouTube, I watched a couple of videos.

[1032] It's a toilet.

[1033] It's basic.

[1034] And I just sort figured shit out and I listened I flushed it I looked and I figured out with the father flapper it's a fucking $8 flapper and then I got it and I was like ah fuck how does this go with it and he's just like it's almost like when I got better at computers where I stopped freaking out and I just was like just stop taking information process it and think that's what I edit it fucking two seconds I wish I had the time the patience and the interest to build my own car because I would love to do that love to do that.

[1035] Get one of those kits.

[1036] They get one of those kits.

[1037] I'm so jealous of people who can do that.

[1038] Oh, the body's good.

[1039] I'll fucking toss at $3 .50.

[1040] I wish they could do that.

[1041] Remember that old...

[1042] The old Jeep kits.

[1043] Remember the old Jeep kits?

[1044] You could buy a kit and build your own army Jeep?

[1045] Remember it was like a thousand bucks or something like that?

[1046] They still have kit cars.

[1047] And you could take a kit car like a noble.

[1048] I remember they used to sell the noble in America, but you couldn't buy it with a power train.

[1049] You couldn't buy it with an engine.

[1050] You had to put your own engine, your own power train in.

[1051] So it's basically like a do -it -your -your -your -self fucking car.

[1052] I knew a guy who had a friend in this state I used to live in.

[1053] I'm not going to say where, but back in the day, the Jeep C .J. 7, they basically kept the same chassis, body, all that shit for like fucking 15 years.

[1054] So he had some old piece of shit one.

[1055] So what he did was he went out and he stole a brand new one and just parked him side by side in his garage and just took apart the new one and put all the numbers.

[1056] So all the numbers still match.

[1057] Whatever the numbers are supposed to be, like on the frame and all that, everything matched.

[1058] And he just, he did like a plastic surgery.

[1059] And he just took all the new shit that he needed.

[1060] I think he had to keep his engine block.

[1061] And there was the frame or something like gearheads would know what he would have to keep.

[1062] So what did he do with the rest of the stuff?

[1063] Then he just took like, he had like a weld, he was like a welding thing and he just sort of cut it into pieces and would just sort of.

[1064] Remember the great escape when they would just drop the dirt out of the bottom of their pants?

[1065] Yeah, he would just sort of dump shit here or there.

[1066] If you just have a piece of a frame, they're not going to give a fuck or, you know.

[1067] They don't even know what it is.

[1068] How do you prove it?

[1069] Yeah, I mean, yeah.

[1070] I mean, I don't have the mechanical know -how to say exactly what he did, but I said, what do he do with the extra shit?

[1071] And that was basically it.

[1072] He cut it down into smaller pieces.

[1073] You can't fucking build a car today.

[1074] Like, you can't build a new 2011 Shelby Mustang convertible.

[1075] You can't build it.

[1076] Yeah, with the computer shit.

[1077] But you can do.

[1078] It's computer, and there's so much shit going on.

[1079] It's like, it's so complicated, you know.

[1080] It's not like the old days.

[1081] You know, in the old days, if you fucking engine blew, you could replace your engine, you know?

[1082] All you need is like a crane and a buddy who knew what the fuck he was doing.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] But it was also much more, like my first card, I had a Ford Ranger.

[1085] And I actually learned if I wanted to go, I just didn't have the balls to do it because I didn't have a friend who could fix the problem.

[1086] You know what I mean?

[1087] So I had to keep it very like, I was like a hygienist, but like working on a fucking car.

[1088] Like, you know, you learned, you know, changing the oil.

[1089] oil is the first thing, then you learn how to change the belts, then you start doing the spark plugs, then you get the timing light, and I got right to the fucking point where I was going to start fucking with, uh, I don't know what, trying to do like the pistons and shit and maybe I'll, uh, I'll try to get some more horsepower in this.

[1090] And I was just like, Bill, it's a fucking Ford Ranger, two -wheel drive.

[1091] What are you a douchebag?

[1092] Just be happy.

[1093] Just be happy that that is running.

[1094] I changed my oil once and I dumped it into the sewer.

[1095] I dumped it into one of those, uh, you know, those there was the 80s.

[1096] It was legal.

[1097] I didn't even think i was you know 17 years old i was retarded and and as i'm dumping it in this guy walks by and goes yeah that's a good place for that and i thought yeah that's a good place to that and i thought oh he's making fun of me i'm like oh my god i'm a douchebag god why did i think it was okay to pour the oil in this fucking drain and then i thought that fucks with me today really still still i think about it sometimes i think about sometimes that i poured oil into the drain like a retard and then this guy came by and go yeah that's a good place for that and then i was so dumb i was like yeah it is a good place for it right it fucks for you because you're running the or because he made you look stupid?

[1098] Because I was a retard.

[1099] Not because he named me looks stupid, but I was stupid.

[1100] He probably thinks the same thing like that asshole.

[1101] I can't believe it.

[1102] He's probably dead, that old fuck.

[1103] It was a long time ago.

[1104] I like how you were uninformed because you're uninformed he becomes an old fuck.

[1105] Oh, he's only an old fuck.

[1106] Fuck you, you piece of shit.

[1107] Makes it funnier.

[1108] Do you know there's so many weird things like that?

[1109] I can't say that gentleman.

[1110] He's probably passed away.

[1111] There's so many weird things like that that you're not allowed to dispose of like that too.

[1112] Like things like monitors.

[1113] The water, man. It gets into the ocean.

[1114] But the crazy thing, there's oil that the oil that I put in is nothing compared to what's on the fucking road every day.

[1115] I mean, everybody's leaking oil.

[1116] You're driving up and down the street.

[1117] It rains.

[1118] It goes in the gutter.

[1119] Goes right in the ocean.

[1120] Justify it any way you have to.

[1121] Oh, I don't justify it.

[1122] I told you.

[1123] I'm ashamed to this day.

[1124] One time I was fishing.

[1125] I used to dump it in the woods.

[1126] Really?

[1127] I didn't know.

[1128] That's probably not as bad as putting in the river.

[1129] I didn't know.

[1130] I didn't know that you weren't supposed to do that.

[1131] And then, but then I figured out they had this place down the street near the fire department.

[1132] they had this big I don't know it was this giant thing that you just dumped your oil in back in the day when there wasn't computer chips and it was easy I was in the Charles River fishing once and it was right across the tree from my house where I lived in Boston and I saw this bubbling in the water and I couldn't figure out what the fuck it was I was looking at something's like bubbling like water's coming up this kind of crazy and then I saw a rubber and then I realized that what I was looking at was shit some of it was shit there was a broken sewer pipe that was pouring directly into the river so every time people flush their toilet shit and piss and rubbers and tampons we're just floating in this in this fucking river disgusting unfinished medicine oh it was so nasty and i went for a little bit further down there was a waterfall at the bottom of the waterfall there was foam like there was so much chemicals in the water that it made like a thick white and yellow foam at the bottom of the water yep there you go that's that's boston you know what's worse is like baby diapers and parking lots of like like target the other day was that and the there was fucking just these little squares where they like changed the diaper and they were like put it on the ground stuff i got out and stepped right on it it was just like it's just like everywhere i see it all the time now that's the suburban landmine i apologize for that that's a big thing to do i guess you don't want to keep it in your car when you drive home my car always has diapers in it my wife takes these diapers wraps them up in these little bombs and leaves in there and then i hop in my car living my other car smells like shit and i find these little diaper bombs everywhere little piss bombs they're everywhere they're all over my fucking house That's that newborn smell.

[1133] It's not that bad.

[1134] My two -year -old has some pretty stinky poops, but, you know.

[1135] At this point, the kid's probably gone to, like, fucking McDonald's.

[1136] No. Starting to screw up the colon.

[1137] I don't, I don't serve them shitty food.

[1138] Fuck that.

[1139] She gets fries and stuff occasionally and ice cream occasionally, but for the most part, she eats healthy.

[1140] You know, if you get them into eating shitty food or make shitty food a big deal, make it exciting, you know, make it something special.

[1141] You know, that's why McDonald's is a fucking playground.

[1142] You drive by McDonald's.

[1143] She sees these bright colors and.

[1144] tubes and slides and shit and they just want to go in there but the food's fucking bad if I ever have kids I'm gonna feed them shit food make them fat so I can feel I can feel better about them I actually do about myself you know you're the first person I've ever seen feed their kid octopus I was like whoa octopus that's ridiculous she enjoys it she asks for octopus and people are like your fucking kids asking for octopause yeah I can't that's too fishy for me too chewy do you ever eat octopus sushi yeah I've tried mess delicious yeah I love it no dude That's when, like, the hardcore Japanese guy is giving you the fucking heads up, like you know what you're doing.

[1145] Like the grosser it is, that means you're really into sushi.

[1146] I eat pretty nasty shit.

[1147] I eat sea urchin.

[1148] That's my other favorite.

[1149] Dude, I'm the classic American sushi.

[1150] I'm like, yeah, let me get a yellow tail hand roll, spicy.

[1151] California roll.

[1152] Yeah, tuna roll.

[1153] I keep it real, salmon.

[1154] Salmon avocado.

[1155] I keep it really.

[1156] Me too.

[1157] Even like eel.

[1158] Eel roll I like, but it's just kind of, there's just something too.

[1159] like tuna i just i don't have any sort of guilt when i eat that even though they're dying off but eel i just seems like an unnecessary one to to eat really eel i like the eel sauce i don't like eel because of the sauce i only like sushi that you don't need sauce for i like yellowtailed tuna that kind of shit how how bad are the tuna going extinct is that like a big deal i don't know everything's going extinct because there's too many fucking people and we keep uh the problem is is they make too much money off of us like we're not like Like, we're not people where these things they make money off of, so they need as much of us around.

[1160] Again, it's day.

[1161] It's always they.

[1162] All the animals are going to come back when the robots, when the robots take over.

[1163] It'd be like I am legend.

[1164] Deer running through the streets of Manhattan, that kind of shit.

[1165] I don't think it'll be that bad because they'll keep Manhattan, but it'll definitely be like in Jersey.

[1166] Jersey will all grow over.

[1167] I went to Colorado.

[1168] People are useless.

[1169] I went to Colorado when I was living there for four months.

[1170] And when I came back, a deer had decided to make my backyard home in L .A. It's right out here.

[1171] and every day this deer would be wandering through my yard chewing grass and they just decided that since nobody was here there was no noise they just started moving in interesting as soon as I moved back in she stopped coming around but she could literally judge that's that fence is six feet high and it's fucking wrought iron she would jump right over oh yeah they got it's got to be eight feet I know I got a buddy of mine has a has a problem with that so he's got this eight foot my cheek you're really not that neighbor he's saying no dude I got a kid and then the name the deer come in yeah they really do they hop right over a six foot fence it's incredible to watch It's like, dwing, I just fly through the air.

[1172] But they were moving in.

[1173] They were ready to take over.

[1174] You got a gun range out here?

[1175] I got a fake pig that I shoot arrows into.

[1176] Can we do that after the podcast?

[1177] Fuck yeah.

[1178] Do you teach me how to do that shit?

[1179] I'm learning how to...

[1180] You know what I'm doing right?

[1181] I'm learning how to pick a lock on...

[1182] Yeah, I'm going to be one of those urban survivor guys.

[1183] Is it like a thousand degrees in this film?

[1184] It really is.

[1185] Let me go turn on the AC.

[1186] Talk to these people while I turn on the AC.

[1187] All right.

[1188] I'm learning how to pick a lock on YouTube.

[1189] I'm trying to learn out of hot wire a car.

[1190] YouTube's great for that shit.

[1191] Yeah, you can, dude, I've taught myself how to play guitar, how to play drums.

[1192] I've watched people get knocked out, get kicked in the balls.

[1193] Hide a camera into the toilet paper roll thing inside of the, in the bathroom.

[1194] I found out how to do that.

[1195] Oh, yeah, you can become a real fucking creep on YouTube.

[1196] That's what I love about the internet.

[1197] You really can just become the person that you, if you feel like, you know, I want to be better read.

[1198] You can go to Wikipedia and see what morons think about.

[1199] the subject that you want to learn about, or if you want to add a little creepy shit to your, to your personality, you can do that.

[1200] I want to learn how to pick a fucking lock.

[1201] Yeah.

[1202] Just so I can do it.

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] Because I only know the credit card technique where you slide it in, and that never works.

[1205] You know, where you're supposed to like...

[1206] No, they were showing.

[1207] I was watching somebody, like, first of you have to know, like, how a lock works, like what it is in there.

[1208] And this person, literally, you know, like the little clip -on thing from the pen?

[1209] They'd somehow jam that in there and then take like a hairpin.

[1210] I'm so full of shit.

[1211] I haven't learned.

[1212] I watched somebody doing it.

[1213] it.

[1214] Now I want to try it.

[1215] That's basically it.

[1216] But the overhead is I have to buy a lock so I haven't quite committed to it.

[1217] I'm going to buy the lock and it's going to sit right on top of my fucking learn how to speak Spanish.

[1218] I figure if I'm breaking into a lock, I might as well kick the door in.

[1219] Yeah, but I don't have your martial art training.

[1220] Just learning to kick a bag.

[1221] It's not going to move or hit you back.

[1222] It's not hard to kick a door.

[1223] Right.

[1224] Doors are easy.

[1225] That's why it's funny when you see a guy like on those fucking, like videos of cops breaking the doors and the guy, like especially the old school ones from the 60s.

[1226] The guy's kicking the door over and over.

[1227] You're going to get it to break.

[1228] Doors are easy.

[1229] Oh, doors are easy?

[1230] Then how come he's not able to do it?

[1231] Because he's a faggot.

[1232] Well, there you go.

[1233] I never understood why they don't just go for the window.

[1234] There is something about, yeah.

[1235] Literally, he likes sex with the same.

[1236] Is that my water or yours?

[1237] This is empty.

[1238] I don't want to take a chance.

[1239] There's one behind your lap time.

[1240] Mine one's right there.

[1241] You don't want to take a chance.

[1242] You're the one who busted out the fake asshole a minute into this podcast.

[1243] Well, I don't mean when I say faggot, don't mean faggot like as in a gay man you mean pussy yeah that's one of my words i will not give up no matter how much people give me shit about you know no louis c s get that big chunk on it i i have a problem with that that word to me is not a gay slur you know what really drives me crazy when they're saying you can't say gay but you can't say that's gay like it's it's offensive or insensitive means lame well didn't it always mean joyful and beginning it made you know like have a gay old time it meant happy it means happy it meant happy gay night 90s, the 1890s?

[1244] Well, yeah, words changed.

[1245] It became homosexual, and why can't they accept that it also means lame?

[1246] Because certain groups own words.

[1247] But if you spell it, G -H -E -Y.

[1248] Gay's own gay.

[1249] Jewish people own Holocaust.

[1250] You know that whole thing at Jim Jeffries?

[1251] Were you on the Yolping Anthony show?

[1252] Were you on the ONA show when Jeffreys was talking about his...

[1253] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1254] How ridiculous is that?

[1255] He wanted that...

[1256] Jim Jeffries, a hilarious comedian, wanted to name his...

[1257] DVD, Alcoholicost.

[1258] Yep.

[1259] And apparently it offended a bunch of Jewish people.

[1260] They got super upset.

[1261] I think it offended the ones who are in the group.

[1262] I think generally speaking, most people don't give a shit.

[1263] Yeah.

[1264] I don't know about that.

[1265] I would say that a lot of people who are Jewish would probably have a problem with that.

[1266] People are very, very sensitive to that.

[1267] You know, they don't want you cracking jokes on something that fucked up their whole, you know.

[1268] Well, yeah.

[1269] Well, he explained it, and he didn't even need to explain it.

[1270] I get it.

[1271] I didn't think he was making fun of Jewish people.

[1272] he was saying, like, he's drinking so much.

[1273] Yeah, that he's a Holocaust.

[1274] He's having a Holocaust of alcohol.

[1275] You can't own a word.

[1276] I mean, just calling something a hollow.

[1277] Look, they need another word for what happened to the Jews in Nazi Germany.

[1278] I mean, it's a horrible, horrible thing, and it is a Holocaust.

[1279] But it's not the only Holocaust.

[1280] You can't own that word now.

[1281] You can't use Holocaust for anything else.

[1282] Yeah, they treat it like the Ohio State University.

[1283] Like, it's trademarked.

[1284] The Holocaust.

[1285] Like, it's trademarked.

[1286] It's a word to describe anything that's atrocious.

[1287] Anything that's horrible.

[1288] I mean, that's really what it is.

[1289] It's a word to describe a terrible disaster.

[1290] I've never looked it up.

[1291] I don't know what it means.

[1292] Well, let's look up the official term of Hallcross, Brian.

[1293] Tell us what it is.

[1294] Look up A and then look up the.

[1295] I mean, look, it's not that he's making light of this horrible situation that has happened to people.

[1296] It was a play on words.

[1297] But then he did make light.

[1298] And then he fucked up and said, they should get over it.

[1299] It was fucking 60 years ago.

[1300] Fucking get over it.

[1301] Yeah, I thought with the accent he'd get away with it.

[1302] because it sounded cheeky Australia is the shit Have you ever done comedy over there?

[1303] Yeah I did But it was a typical thing Where it was a three -day thing Where they flew you over for one day They gave you a day to get fucking used to it And then you did the gig And then they flew you back I stuck around for a couple days That's kind of how I was in Sydney I was only in Sydney for a couple days But I did a gig up there I wanted to see all those fucking snakes over there We saw the kangaroos kangaroos that kill people all the time there's these big giant fucking kangaroos called gray kangaroos and they tell you if you run into gray kangaroos you better leave just get the fuck away from them they're super aggressive and they're really big they're like the fucking 300 pound kangaroos they kick you in the stomach and fucking gore you bugs bunny they lean back on their tail they do that they do lean back in their tail and attack you but they have claws man they'll rip your fucking stomach apart they'll fuck you up when they get inside I've watched enough UFC that fucking elbow you got a clinch It's the most important thing Got to get that clinch You got to no space Between you and that You gotta take the kangaroo To the ground They got a great stand -up game They bounce right back to their feet Bro, don't even try But their fucking Their fucking arms are too small To grapple If you get the underhooks You got the underhooks But you got to go Randy Couture style We just press them up against a tree And work them over with knees Hey does racking balls Work on animals Racking balls?

[1304] Yeah like if you rack a dog's balls Do they like go ooh at all Or are we the only ones I think it hurts them But I think when an animal gets into that state where they're attacking and trying to kill you they don't think about pain the way people do you know I've seen dogs fight with each other and they're wagging their tail like happy meanwhile they're ripping each other's faces apart especially pit bulls you know pit bulls they don't they don't like seem to experience any pain when they fight they seem to just just do it and then think about the pain later like they block it out somehow I would not count on kicking a dog in the balls if a dog is attacking you your best move is to choke it unconscious I wonder if there's videos of monkeys getting racked you know monkeys I'm sure it would suck They know it sucks because when they attack people, when chimps attack people, they go for your balls.

[1305] That's one of the number one things they do.

[1306] They try to eat your genitalia.

[1307] They rip your balls off and they usually twist your foot off too.

[1308] Yeah.

[1309] Take your fingers off.

[1310] They bite people's fingers off.

[1311] They go for your balls to try to blind you.

[1312] They try to take away everything that makes you human, all your valuable assets.

[1313] Your ability to control things, your ability to use your dick.

[1314] I fucking, I hate monkeys.

[1315] Really?

[1316] I just something about them.

[1317] I don't like them.

[1318] Chimps are scary as far.

[1319] I don't mind chimps.

[1320] I don't mind gorillas, but those little fucking throwing shit at you, spider monkeys.

[1321] I just don't fucking like them.

[1322] I think it's from Indiana Jones because that monkey was a dick.

[1323] And ever since then, I've hated small monkeys.

[1324] They're always dicks.

[1325] The organ grinder guy from back when I was a kid down in Fanual Hall.

[1326] They were always, granted, they had to wear that stupid bellboy outfit.

[1327] So they probably weren't in a good mood.

[1328] But they were always creepy.

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] I grew up with a monkey.

[1331] Not my mom monkey, my grandmother's monkey.

[1332] My grandmother had a monkey.

[1333] My grandmother had a monkey named Chi Chi Chi.

[1334] And Chi Chi lived in the attic.

[1335] And you couldn't have Chi -Chi around people because Chichi would bite you.

[1336] Chichi would chew gum.

[1337] She would give Chichi gum, and he would unwrap the gum and put in his mouth.

[1338] But he only liked my grandmother that didn't trust anybody else.

[1339] And if anybody got near him, Cheechie would attack you.

[1340] Wow.

[1341] When I was in Costa Rica, I had a monkey.

[1342] My grandmother was fucking crazy.

[1343] A monkey jumped on my back.

[1344] It was like the monkey that they had in the area, okay, in the compound where I was saying, jumped on my back, hooked its tail around my neck.

[1345] And so now it's hanging, it's inverted, hanging upside down, went right in my pocket, took my hotel keys, and then went up to in like two seconds, and I'm really standing there like, did that just fucking happen?

[1346] He's serious?

[1347] Now I'm sitting there and I got some fucking, I don't know, some sort of Costa Rican Kiwi trying to get this fucking monkey to come down.

[1348] I forget it.

[1349] I remember my human brain out did his monkey brain and I got it back and the thing and I did a quick switcheroo and I ran because it was on a chain and I was able to just get away and the thing thing was so pissed as I was running away I just heard go it just fucking screamed at me pissed and I was like yeah there you go you fucker well that's what happens in India they steal things from people and then they want you to give them food back you give them food and they give you whatever you know whatever they took from you yeah they like make deals with people do they kill animals they've killed people oh they're into cows the mayor of one of the towns in India got killed by monkeys recently like within the last couple of years they fucking swarmed his ass just jacked them what's the monkeys with the big puffy That's like the pit tumors on India.

[1350] The monkey problem.

[1351] You know, like the ones that have, is it orangutan that has the weird crazy head?

[1352] Those things are crazy.

[1353] Yeah.

[1354] How about baboons?

[1355] They look like half a dog, half a monkey.

[1356] That's a weird animal.

[1357] Baboons eat babies, too, man. So do chimps.

[1358] Chimps will eat babies.

[1359] If you leave babies around and chimps see them, they'll eat them.

[1360] Yeah, they're still not worse than bankers.

[1361] Have you ever seen the video the chimp eating the monkey?

[1362] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1363] They're finally realizing that they do that.

[1364] And they also, they sort of all.

[1365] talk shit after they do it.

[1366] They feel like to start beating their chest.

[1367] They're very...

[1368] They're ruthless motherfuckers.

[1369] I thought for the longest time it was a rang a tang, like the orange drink?

[1370] No, it's tan.

[1371] I still did.

[1372] Well, that's also...

[1373] Neanderthal.

[1374] Neanderthal is not really Neanderthal.

[1375] It's Neanderthal.

[1376] You know, it's named after a part of France.

[1377] That's where they found the first skeletons.

[1378] They've been saying recently that people are...

[1379] Most people, or a good percentage of people have Neanderthal genetics in them.

[1380] And that we somehow or another absorb them.

[1381] I do.

[1382] Look at my forehead.

[1383] I got a, I got Frankenstein forehead, dude, my eyebrows.

[1384] Like, look at that ultimate doom.

[1385] Tell me I don't have the same brow.

[1386] That's true.

[1387] It's that fucking thing.

[1388] Your brow is nothing.

[1389] I want to show you my dentist.

[1390] My dentist is so freaky.

[1391] I will drive you over to his office just to say hi, just so you can see his head.

[1392] Really?

[1393] His fucking forehead.

[1394] Switch dentist, man. It sticks out like this far.

[1395] Like, no bullshit.

[1396] It doesn't even look real.

[1397] It looks like he's wearing a cling -on plate.

[1398] Like you put a cling -on plate from fucking Star Wars.

[1399] generation put it on his head i mean it really looks like that he's just got this these deeps his eyes no bullshit are like that deep into his head my dennis is kind of crazy my dennis is like that what's that movie uh people under the stairs or whatever where uh danny what's i should say this in case my dentist is listening he's a great guy look i'm not fucking perfect either i look like a chimp all right i'm not the best looking guy in the world too late those guys are all depressed he's a very nice guy he probably already hung up the very nice guy but he's got a big crazy for it that's just a fact I didn't name any names You know what's funny about that shit With that big forehead I wonder if that affects That light that they have on their head If it's like too far And it just shines on the back of your head He's got to adjust it Yeah It's too far in He's got to point it like straight down Do they even use that Or am I thinking of miners I think Dennis probably use that shit too And they're digging deep in your mouth It should right Yeah Yeah, that's a, that's a rough job.

[1400] My dentist hypnotizes me. There's a part where they check for cancer.

[1401] I don't know if your dentist do that, where they go, okay, so this is where you're so -and -so -glan -is and they go down here.

[1402] Does your dentist stick his fingers in your mouth and you start sucking his fingers?

[1403] No, no. And they pulls his dick out, and then you wake up.

[1404] And you like, what happened?

[1405] Oh, did you ever see that guy?

[1406] Oh, that would feel girls up when I put him under?

[1407] Yeah, and they busted him.

[1408] They busted us.

[1409] And what I loved about that guy is you could so tell he never got arrested for anything in his life.

[1410] he just he just like he just you saw it in his whole body my he was just like okay like the girl was under right and she she kept waking up feeling like her bra wasn't right the way it should have been so they basically get her to go in there again to go under and they drilled in from like the CVS next door or some shit and they got this camera so he starts fucking second he starts sitting he seems like yeah I'm gonna grab a tits and he has all this type of shit and then immediately all these SWAT guys come in and he goes literally from that to and my life's over and he just fucking shoulder slumped dragged out.

[1411] Can you imagine what happened to that guy in prison?

[1412] You're going in as a fucking sex offender dentist who probably hasn't had a fight since the third grade.

[1413] No gang affiliation.

[1414] He would have to join one.

[1415] Who would take him?

[1416] You got to be somebody's bitch the first night.

[1417] Yeah, you got to suck some cock right away.

[1418] You got to put on a dress.

[1419] You think of some guys in prison like, what the fuck is going to happen?

[1420] Like Bernie Madoff?

[1421] What's going on with that guy in prison?

[1422] They must be beating the fuck out of it.

[1423] Nah, and it's white collar.

[1424] They're probably, guys who are getting out.

[1425] He's probably holding court.

[1426] Is he in a white collar prison, you think?

[1427] Absolutely.

[1428] He probably can get fresco.

[1429] Despite the fact that his felonies were so egregious.

[1430] Because they're not violent, they don't give a shit.

[1431] So in all nonviolent offenses, they put them with other nonviolent people?

[1432] I don't know how it works, dude.

[1433] I just know if you're rich, you don't go to real jail.

[1434] But he actually fucked.

[1435] The problem was, was not how much money he took was, I think, who he was.

[1436] took it from and they had as much influence if not more as he did so he actually got life in prison you did you think that's unusual i just pulled that on my ass i have no idea no fucking i think it's unusual that he got life in prison i mean what he did was i mean fucking 50 billion dollars that's you got to put him in jail for life there's no way he's going to pay that back i mean what would be oh did you did you see that thing in uh in rolling stone this month matt teneb's article it was the one about uh those kids of the biggest like uh internet cyberspace crime ever yeah i haven't read that yet oh you gotta read that shit it'll make you super paranoid about where you use your credit card these guys would sit outside the mall this is this was this was their uh their their their hacky way they first did it would sit there in a car with like a fucking eight foot antenna and they somehow tap in to whatever that shit in the fucking air is where you know that computer shit the satellite thing we're back to that And as you use the credit cards Somehow they would break into the system or something I don't know what the I can't even explain it I'm too fucking dumb But it's even for a guy like me It was fascinating So there was some sort of a wireless transmission of your credit card information You're in there Right Buying a thermal Okay All right And you swipe your card And as they're putting it into the system Or as you swipe it somehow They're tapped into this shit through the fucking air It's literally like magic Like all those years of people pulling out rabbits out of hats and it was all bullshit these guys i don't know how the fuck they were doing it so they would do that and then they were like all right this is bullshit it's too it's too risky um they somehow then they took it to the next level and they got into the main database database thank you i needed a word i'll go with that the main database of like all the macy's or whatever and you got people's credit card numbers yeah they jacked them yeah they got like like i don't know i'm gonna what number i'm gonna say i'm gonna say 50 million credit cards well if you think the banks are totally corrupt do you think that the banks would hack into people's shit on purpose, like hire people to hack into people's shit?

[1437] Well, this is what I think about.

[1438] I don't think, I, this is what I don't like is, it's not my money, it's their money.

[1439] And they give it to me, and my job is to get in debt with it.

[1440] And if I don't, then they just fucking take it for me. That's basically what happens.

[1441] Right, but I mean, the hackers.

[1442] I mean, do you think that, you know how, like, the CIA's always been accused to selling drugs?

[1443] And the, the argument for it is, the bad guy's going to sell drugs, no matter what you do, the CIA takes that money and uses it for covert operations to protect Americans, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1444] The CIA's always sold drugs, and that's just the way it is.

[1445] Do you think that the bankers would get involved in hacker activity just because they figured, look, someone's going to do this, we're going to do this.

[1446] At this point, it might be another, they just look at everything as revenue streams.

[1447] Yeah.

[1448] I don't think that they look at shit.

[1449] Well, that'd be weird because they would be selfs, they would be sabotaging themselves.

[1450] But this is my question.

[1451] I'm always looking at these, these hack -o -things.

[1452] I really don't think bankers are above.

[1453] stealing no of course they're not above stealing but i always look at these hacker situations and i go okay you hear about this fucking russian teenager made 50 million dollars in a year you know in his basement and then he started an empire blah blah blah and he was just a hacker well if i'm reading about this there's got to be some people that are rich and powerful and recognize that 50 million dollars some real money and if this goofball kid in his fucking basement is making that kind of money is there a way they can do that and i think i mean is there any of this shit well i don't think i don't think that they have to hack into their own system i think that they think that they have to hack into their own system i think that they do it.

[1454] They steal from the people who put money, us, the customers, they steal through like fees.

[1455] Right, well, they definitely do that too.

[1456] I think they're going to risk what they have for doing hacker shit.

[1457] You know what I mean?

[1458] Like, if this guy's super rich, he's not going to risk everything he has.

[1459] Maybe not in America, but I bet in some other countries they're pulling some shit off.

[1460] There's something about that shit, though, where I find that type of shit is so fascinating.

[1461] Where, you know, you learn how to pick a lock.

[1462] The bullshit that I'm doing is no big.

[1463] deal but those guys who can actually you know hack their way i tell you what's even more interesting is that if you go on youtube there's ways to show you how to get those like things that you put on atms at the gas pump and there's videos showing how to do it like how and where to buy them or it's like this thing that fits over the credit card slot at your gas pump and there's like a little camera that you tape into the corner so when you're using it i'll tell you right now that's why you never use your fucking ATM yeah because that's your money they get that shit they get your money they get your fucking credit card that's that's city banks money right so then they'll call you up and be like you know did you buy a tank top in kansas city no i did not right you ever get that you ever be on the road so much i used i used to be on the road like they would constantly be shutting my credit card off and not realizing that i was a comedian they'd be like did you get a lap dance in toronto yes i did you get chicken wings two days later in st louis yes i did and they finally like what do you do comedian i'm on a college tour yeah and you should always you should never do debit either You should always do credit card, you know, where they always try to trick you in and like, put in your pen.

[1464] And you're like, no, I'm not putting my pin.

[1465] Right now.

[1466] Don't ever do that.

[1467] Yeah.

[1468] Because then it also protects your shit for 30 days, too.

[1469] Yeah, fuck that.

[1470] Fuck all that, dude.

[1471] And they're trying to make it, they're going to make it cashless.

[1472] Cash is the shit.

[1473] Cash is anonymous.

[1474] We got to go back to one piece of gold equals one donkey.

[1475] That's what we got to go right to.

[1476] And you fucking bite a piece of it off to get some potatoes.

[1477] It's got to be something.

[1478] It's got to get something for something.

[1479] Your money has to represent something.

[1480] The problem is our money doesn't actually represent anything.

[1481] It's just an idea.

[1482] It's just confidence.

[1483] We have confidence that $100 is worth $100.

[1484] But it doesn't represent $100.

[1485] It's worth of gold.

[1486] Why can't we just keep that confidence?

[1487] I'm all right with it.

[1488] Fucking.

[1489] Dude, I like your Hall of Fame of fucking geese you have in there.

[1490] That's hilarious.

[1491] I'm looking into Joe's walking closet right now.

[1492] Most people have like fucking jerseys from sports they never played.

[1493] That's his Dexter trophies.

[1494] Yeah, he still has like dried blood.

[1495] from some kid he fucking hammer -fisted back in his revere days Those are all my Taekwondo medals on the doorknob That's all shit from the 80s Dude that was one of my favorite From my other life Yeah That's one of my favorite fucking responses I was on his uh I think was Your website way back in the day And some kid was giving him shit So Joe you know Just blast him whatever You're just a fucking loser And then he kid writes Oh what do you mean I'm a fucking loser He goes I'm only 20 years old Blah blah blah What were you doing at 20 And Joe's like I was a national champion in Taekwondo, you fucking loser.

[1496] You're like one of the few guys who was actually a success before they got into this shit.

[1497] Well, I was, but I definitely wasn't a financial success.

[1498] That's why I knew.

[1499] You weren't doing a Taekwondo tour?

[1500] I was teaching.

[1501] I was teaching at Boston University.

[1502] I was teaching at BU when I was 19.

[1503] I taught at Boston University.

[1504] That's not normal.

[1505] That's way above most people.

[1506] Well, I was...

[1507] Were you banging half the broads in your class?

[1508] I fucked a few of them.

[1509] I fucked one of them.

[1510] One of them.

[1511] She was so hot, and she was this, I don't want to say her name, but she was this really hot Latina chick.

[1512] And then I saw her again like three years ago.

[1513] And she wasn't the type of girl to work out.

[1514] She was just type of girl that, you know, when she was young, she was 19, when I was 19, she was just getting by on her looks.

[1515] Right.

[1516] But now she's like 41 and she doesn't exercise, and it was so sad to why.

[1517] I mean, she's probably sad to see me, too.

[1518] I was a fucking handsome looking fellow when I was a old, broken down man. Joe coming in at 19 to teach the class, he probably did that John.

[1519] Claude Van Dam fucking split between two desks and that was it He fucking ran through the whole class From that year From the From 15 till I was 21 I was literally All I did was fight All I did was train and fight That's all I did I didn't have any social life I had like a girlfriend Here and there They would always get sick of me And break up with me And whatever But all I did was train and fight I didn't party I didn't drink Very rarely did I drink And I smoked pot twice From like 15 to 20 That's all I did was fight.

[1520] I was completely out of my head.

[1521] And I went from that to, from going to Taekwondo, straight into going to comedy.

[1522] Kickboxing, I had three kickboxing fights, and then I went right into comedy.

[1523] Because I knew I was going nowhere.

[1524] So, there's no money in it.

[1525] Was your opening, like, stand -up?

[1526] Was it about, like, fighting or anything?

[1527] No, I never talked about it.

[1528] Was it really intense?

[1529] Was like, hello, this is my comedy.

[1530] No, I tried to do it.

[1531] I figured you got to talk about your life.

[1532] No, I never talked about that.

[1533] No one wants to think that some fucking guys on my mind.

[1534] martial arts champion.

[1535] That's the thing because he was actually good at it.

[1536] You've got to have like low self -esteem.

[1537] Right.

[1538] You could say, you know, if you could say, oh, I fought an attack window tournament once.

[1539] And I fought on Friday and when I finally woke up on Tuesday, you know, after some guy kicked me in a fucking head.

[1540] Yeah, everybody would like that.

[1541] You can't say that.

[1542] Oh, so I fucking kicked this dude in the head and knocked him into a coma.

[1543] That's not funny.

[1544] Dude, but I'm, when I started out, though, there was like, you know, because all those, all those headliners didn't leave, we were like, how to fuck do you end up headlining?

[1545] We were looking at the only guys who kind of busted through was you and Anthony Clark with the two guys at the time who had actually somehow gotten past the old boy network.

[1546] Yeah.

[1547] Well, they left.

[1548] You know, Anthony was one of the, and Nick DePaula left too.

[1549] They just left, you know, you had to leave.

[1550] You can't stay in Boston.

[1551] It was so intoxicating because you can make a living.

[1552] You could be in Boston.

[1553] And even if you were a nobody, you know, you're still, you could grind out 500 bucks a week.

[1554] You know, you do here, do here, as long as you're willing to drive.

[1555] and travel if you had $500 cash a week you could pay for your bills you could eat but if you want to try to go on the road man good fucking luck no TV credits no nothing just some guy from Boston how much are they going to pay you but your fucking gas your airfare is going to eat up all your profits it's fucking hard it's what do you think now because I just went back to Boston have you been back there lately yeah yeah it's sad there's nothing going on there now what do you fucking the comedy connection is a theater now you know it's that big Wilbur theater right comedy connections used to be 150 seats that badass little room and now it's you know no but they reopened that right up the street the old charles street uh playhouse yeah what's it now oh it's another comedy club called i can't remember there's a small one in fanio hall called motley's i did that is that tim mackenzie's place i i can't remember i did i ran through all of them there was 80 it was like it was like an 85 cedar i did dick dorritie's comedy vault what i put together my basically polished up my first five minutes material ever so i always go down there the vault i did the vault oh yeah dude i fucking love that place and this is the thing hasn't changed it like i remember when that place started this is how fucking old i am now and now it's they just like celebrated like that did i say tim mackenzie i'm sorry if he's listening tim mackinty i think it started in 93 yeah i was a yeah was a year in i really than that son no no no the vault dick dardy's comedy vault yeah let me tell you something that shit was around in the 80s all right because in 88 when i was around the dick dardy comedy comedy vault was around dick d 'arty's at remington's yeah that fucking bank it's like a bank wow it's a vault i thought i thought spike tobin was the first guy who opened that shit up might have reopened it might have reopened it okay that's it might have went under and they brought it back but dick dardy's comedy vault was a staple back when i was living there and i moved out of boston like 92 yeah you were gone before right when i started you were already gone um yeah what the fuck was i working at i think i was first time i saw i saw you with the kaloon oh that place that was a good place Chinese food and comedy Chinese food and comedy Chinese food and comedy is a weird combination that exists in Boston like the biggest the most famous historical comedy club in Boston was the Ding Ho was a Chinese restaurant that they had comedy out of and now the only place that exists is that place that Rick Jenkins runs he runs a place in Cambridge yeah and that's the that's another a Chinese restaurant Chinese restaurant and upstate comedy lab is that what they call it?

[1556] Yeah remember the the Akuaku yeah Kuaku And then the other place is Mike Clark's place, Giggles and Saugas.

[1557] Yeah.

[1558] You know?

[1559] But there's more work in Boston, or at least there was.

[1560] Like, just little road gigs, an hour drive here, hour drive there.

[1561] More of those in that area than anywhere else in the country.

[1562] No, when I would talk to guys from, like, other places, and then I'm like, where's your road gigs?

[1563] Or where do you go for road gigs?

[1564] Oh, you know, sometimes I do Ohio.

[1565] Sometimes, like, what do you get?

[1566] No, don't you have gigs around here?

[1567] Like, no one could make a living around there.

[1568] Yeah, but I happen.

[1569] Because nobody would start, like, I don't know what is about.

[1570] People would just start rooms.

[1571] Don't remember Bob Marley out of Maine?

[1572] He came down like a fully formed fucking headliner just because he had like 25 rooms going up in Maine.

[1573] Like he started basically, it was like McDonald's, but he started with like comedies.

[1574] He used to tell him when he was living up there and it was getting so big he actually ended up leaving because he almost became, I think like a kind of almost like a club owner at that point, he could have done it, but he basically started the comedy scene up there Because before that, all they had was like the connection, but like...

[1575] Portland, right?

[1576] Yeah, yeah, and he started, like, he had at any given time.

[1577] He was before that.

[1578] I used to do gigs in Bangor, and Bob would do, like, guest bots and shit when he was first starting out.

[1579] Bobby, I don't know if you know how famous he is in Maine.

[1580] Oh, yeah, no, no, yeah, he's like...

[1581] If you don't know who Bob Marley is, a very funny guy, very nice guy, I've known him for fucking 20 -plus years, always been just a great guy.

[1582] But when he first started out, you know, there was like...

[1583] This is like, you know, probably, he probably started out in 89 or 90.

[1584] There's no one known for being from Maine.

[1585] There's no, like, one main comic that stands up.

[1586] But Bar -Marley, in anywhere else in the country, it's like people might have heard of them.

[1587] You might have heard them on XM Radio.

[1588] You might have seen him on Comedy Central or something.

[1589] In Maine, that motherfucker is huge.

[1590] Oh, yeah.

[1591] There's probably no comparison.

[1592] It's like...

[1593] No, like...

[1594] Gabriel Iglesias in L .A. It's giant.

[1595] Gabriel L .A. does shows in L .A. Well, he'll do, like, five shows on a Monday night.

[1596] Like, something fucking nutty.

[1597] And sell out everyone, like, days and days in advance.

[1598] right that's how he is nobody else is like that yeah no he used to go i remember he used tell me he would basically be in l a auditioning and then every year right just the holidays came around he would make like 10 times what i made on the road in that month yeah just he should be talking about his money but yeah he would just go up there and do parties and then he do the new year's thing and dude this one would like eight eight years in he would do like a like 15002 000 cedar and he'd be doing like adding shows and shit yeah and doing all this main material you know so much main like i was listening to him on the radio the other day was on xm radio was doing all these main jokes and he was doing them in main they were going crazy they were fucking going no and he also dude he has like a box set that's how many albums this dude has put out he's put out like 16 albums 14 albums fucking unbelievable that's incredible the amount hours 14 hours of fucking material have you ever heard of anybody else has done that have you ever heard of anybody else who just nailed it in one area like that no there's there's a couple wait who's nobody like that though not like that but wasn't there a uh there was always here are those guys when you'd be down south killer bees remember killer bees guys and then there was uh there was yeah one or two other guys who south of the mason dixon line yeah would just absolutely if you you just put their name up yeah yeah yeah they would sell like a thousand tickets a few of those guys but i don't think there's any one guy that's got a state nailed like bob marley does and he created it but it's a state that's proud to be that state too that's a part of the whole key to it he's actually from Maine and the people in Maine are proud to be from Maine it's like somebody's getting an idea there's a comedian right now in like South Dakota trying to put it together like dude I could run this fucking town state whatever hell I'm trying to say dude does anybody give a fuck about being from South Dakota though the thing about being from Maine right there that's who gave a fuck about being from Maine a lot of Maine people you ever talk shit about Maine people in Maine people in South Dakota they give a fuck about being there not a as much as Maine.

[1599] I've done decent Maine.

[1600] I was in North Dakota, and they were all right when Fargo came out.

[1601] I was like, we don't talk like that.

[1602] That's fucking bullshit.

[1603] It's like, well, you think we talk like Cliff Clavin on chairs?

[1604] We don't.

[1605] A lot of us do.

[1606] Kind of do.

[1607] No, he fucked that accent up.

[1608] He would go, hey there, he'd go, hey there, Nami.

[1609] It's norm.

[1610] It's not NOM.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] Everything was parked the car, so they put an A. All you do is take the R out.

[1613] Instead of Norm, it's norm.

[1614] Yeah, it wasn't a good Boston accent.

[1615] Am I really picking them apart?

[1616] You got to get some five years after one.

[1617] Austin.

[1618] Poor Norm.

[1619] Did you hear, he went on the Opie and Anthony show, and apparently they fucking kicked him off.

[1620] Really?

[1621] Yeah.

[1622] He's, you know, he's got some beer book he's putting out now.

[1623] George Wendt, right?

[1624] Right.

[1625] No, not George Wend.

[1626] I'm looking at the other guy.

[1627] Yeah, George Wend was Norman.

[1628] Right.

[1629] And the mailman was Clifford.

[1630] The beer guy, if someone was going to put out a beer book, it would have been Norm.

[1631] It would have been George Went.

[1632] Yeah, well, George Wendt was on the Ope and Anthony show, and I don't know what happened, but it was very unenthusiastic, and they went up kicking him out.

[1633] Oh, because he was.

[1634] on enthusiasm I'm as informed as you are about the economy dude those fucking guys like that's I always get excited oh they had so and so on how did it go John Ratzinger fucking Jimmy went the other room started prank calling him and I had it you're Jimmy with Jesse Ventura that's my favorite he fucking destroyed him he crushed him thank you for your service to our country and he was saluting him dude I thought for once I was actually going to see Jesse in a real fight for all those years of watching him fake fight i was in vietnam where were you yeah it's got to be one of those weird fucking stupid bullying things where norton hates it when when someone tries to bully him you know when someone just demands respect without fucking proving your point put your fucking point and he gets crazy just chewed him up i thought it was awesome oh it was hilarious it was it was the combination of awesome and then also he was beating him so bad i i felt bad for Jesse.

[1635] I was like, Jesse, tap out.

[1636] Well, Jesse's got this.

[1637] And he did.

[1638] He did.

[1639] He left.

[1640] It was so stupid.

[1641] He's got this weird conspiracy.

[1642] Oh, and Jimmy was going to see you fucking leave?

[1643] So you're going to fucking leave?

[1644] And he's leaving.

[1645] And it's just like, oh, God, Jesse.

[1646] It looked ugly at the end, though, like he was thinking about doing something, like throwing something at him or yelling at him.

[1647] Oh, I was so hoping because Kenny was right there and I always wanted to see Kenny in action.

[1648] You know, he would just go old school dirty cop on him.

[1649] Probably.

[1650] Well, you know, Jesse's got bad hips.

[1651] Jesse's another one of those wrestlers.

[1652] had hip replacement surgery.

[1653] A lot of them have their hips replaced.

[1654] Dude, you know Hulk is like three inches shorter?

[1655] Wow.

[1656] From all those years of jumping up and landing on his ass.

[1657] He's got a bunch of spine operations, right?

[1658] Yeah, because when I saw him, I was like, this guy's not that tall, but his fucking arms were hanging down below his knees.

[1659] This guy looks like a fucking gorilla.

[1660] And then I've read in his, well, I don't know where the fuck I saw it.

[1661] It said he used to be six foot seven, and now he's six foot four.

[1662] Whoa.

[1663] There's a huge difference.

[1664] Six four is like, you know, used to play college ball.

[1665] Six, seven is, you know.

[1666] That's three inches off of his spine.

[1667] I wonder how many he's got fused.

[1668] A lot of guys get their shit fused, man. That's a big thing in MMA right now.

[1669] Tito Ortiz just had his neck vertebrae fused.

[1670] And there's a bunch of guys who've had their back fused.

[1671] Can he fight any more after that?

[1672] I don't know.

[1673] I mean, it really depends on how he recovers, you know, but it's some serious, serious shit.

[1674] You sure it wasn't just hairspray and heels that, you know, or something like that with Hall Cogan's?

[1675] No, that guys had serious back surgery.

[1676] More than one.

[1677] Who's the guy that hangs out at the comedy store all the time?

[1678] or he was for a while that...

[1679] Roddy, Roddy Piper.

[1680] He's doing stand -up, man. He's telling stories.

[1681] That's so weird.

[1682] Steve Simone's going on the road with him.

[1683] You know, Steve Simone's a...

[1684] You know, Steve Simone's a comic out of the comedy store who's a huge fucking wrestling fan.

[1685] Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

[1686] Yeah, I like that.

[1687] Really good guy, too.

[1688] Really good guy.

[1689] And he goes on the road with Routy, Routy Piper, and he does a little stand -up, then Routy Routy tells his stories.

[1690] Apparently, it's a hit.

[1691] Oh, yeah, dude, this is...

[1692] This will really let your listeners know why I don't know shit about banking.

[1693] I actually ordered on Amazon the hard copy version of Rick Flair's autobiography.

[1694] To beat the man you got to be the man. To be the man, you got to beat the man. Dude, it's just a fucking awesome book.

[1695] Dude, Rick Flair, have you ever watched his clips?

[1696] Yeah, yeah, I've seen his clips.

[1697] One of the funniest dudes.

[1698] Great showman.

[1699] Yeah, and he's just like a comedian where they say, do you have writers?

[1700] You know, people write this and he goes, writers.

[1701] He goes, dude, I used to come up with that shit on the cab right over from the airport.

[1702] I'm like, that's just like a comedian He's just sitting there Exactly, he just gets loose See something He just says fuck this Dude, he's got a couple Where he's so into it Like you think he's gonna pass out And he's when he's yelling at people In the veins The way his eyes bulge out He's got one where he keeps going I inherit it And his voice keeps cracking He's screaming so I inherited He's talking about that Borma with a golden spoon In his mouth Dude I'll be on the road Depressed Like oh my God I hate this And I'll just start watching Rick Flair videos And I just start laughing my fucking ass off going that this is what it's about this is why you do it that guy he's the shit rigflare is fucking awesome my favorite wrestling video is that john stossel video where john stossel's talking to i don't remember what the wrestler was telling him about you know that what you do is fake and he fucking slaps him in the head like full blast slaps him in his ear and drops him he goes is that fake is that feel fake you're telling me what's fake and he gets up bam he slaps him in the other ear and drops him again and he gets up and runs out of there what was the one that It was like, was it Mr. T or something like that where he goes crazy?

[1703] It was like a live show, and he starts smacking or getting angry, freaking out.

[1704] What wrestler was that?

[1705] It was like, I think Mr. T was on it.

[1706] I think you're talking about Hulk Hogan choking out Richard Belser.

[1707] Put Richard Belser to sleep.

[1708] Yeah, that's what.

[1709] Richard Belser fell and balked his head.

[1710] Choked him out.

[1711] I got to see that video.

[1712] Oh, I'm sure it's online.

[1713] How did I miss that?

[1714] Yeah, I'm sure it's online.

[1715] In this day and age, it would be a travesty if that wasn't available.

[1716] I heard what you do is bullshit.

[1717] Yeah, you got to be nice those guys.

[1718] you can't disrespect them plus they're on gallons of juice you know oh yeah come on they get the sickness as they say to get that big you know that Chris Benoit guy that wound up killing his whole family juice to the gills yeah but that's also another thing too is a lot of giving me unlike pain meds because those guys did like they guys are working like seven nights of fucking week that's a thing about guys who fight in the UFC like Brock says that pro wrestling is way harder than being the UFC heavyweight champion how about that is that the video I'm sorry, I'm going to watch a young Richard Bells are from back in the day You just Google it They didn't work this out, did they?

[1719] No, I don't think so This isn't like a bit?

[1720] I don't think so Oh here And Hulk Hogan Oh, he got him in a geek team He put him asleep Oh, he went out, look at that Sleep it, really I was a sleephole He'd be all right Yeah, I mean, that's pretty fucked up I mean, he really was out cold.

[1721] That's no bullshit.

[1722] And he just let him fall, like to the ground.

[1723] Like, head hits the...

[1724] I put a guy to sleep on a radio show once.

[1725] No, no, no, no, he was just fucking around.

[1726] No. Watch him exit.

[1727] He wasn't.

[1728] You see the way he fell, dude?

[1729] He fell and slammed his head off the ground.

[1730] He was totally out cold.

[1731] He was trying to cover for it.

[1732] Anyway, that's a famous one.

[1733] In the lead up to that, it was like, Hulk Hogan was getting really pissed off at him the whole time there was like seven minutes up to that or six minutes up to that he was being a smart ass and just pissing the Hulk off like in for real.

[1734] Wow, why would you do that?

[1735] Even if what they did was really fake you know I mean obviously that you know that predetermined the victor stuff and when somebody fucking slams you down in the back it hurts.

[1736] Yeah, you gotta be conscious of who you're talking to.

[1737] Yeah.

[1738] Those guys are savages.

[1739] You know, even though they're not you know, they might not be actually fighting for a living they'll fuck you they'll beat the shit out of you if they want to like you better be nice they live in a wild world too they're a lot wild world of sweaty men that you hoist through the air and slam on their back you know their idea of like what's acceptable danger and punishment that you take with your body is not what most people's is you know that for them is like oh he just fell asleep if belza was covering that was pretty good no he wasn't covering he went i'm saying if he was uh no i think he was uh because uh the lead up was trust me that guy went out that's that's that's a hundred percent unconscious no that's what we're saying that's what we're saying he was covering up to that that oh yeah yeah yeah belzer was covering as a pro at the end yeah yeah yeah definitely yeah well he went to sleep no doubt about it the way guy that guy squeezed is 100 % the way his arms go limp how long does it take two seconds when a guy puts a guy in a choke there was a guy i choked out on a radio show there was this radio show uh he was like a um you know a pa and they had him do little stunts and stuff and if he couldn't do it then they would punish him you know there's like this gag they used to do it it was in boston so they had this dude dress up as a cow and he had to fucking try to jump over a chair on rollerblades.

[1740] And he couldn't make it over the chair.

[1741] He falls and crashes.

[1742] And they get him upstairs.

[1743] And I go, okay, now, you know, your punishment is going to be Joe Rogan has to choke you unconscious.

[1744] I go, what?

[1745] And he goes, okay, I'll do it.

[1746] I go, you're sure about this?

[1747] And he goes, yeah, I go, you're sure.

[1748] And he goes, yeah.

[1749] I go, all right.

[1750] So I go, if you just, when you can't take it, just tap out.

[1751] And I lock the choke on him, squeeze on.

[1752] And he goes to tap and he's already unconscious.

[1753] And I let him go thinking that he tap.

[1754] and he falls and fucking faceplants on the carpet.

[1755] He box his head off the carpet.

[1756] He only fell a couple inches, but he was unconscious immediately.

[1757] If you just let someone squeeze your neck, he'd go out pretty quick.

[1758] Do you know that became the thing to do for like, like maybe like a week and a half when I was in seventh grade?

[1759] We didn't understand what we were doing, but somebody came up with it.

[1760] Choking?

[1761] No, you do is you would just basically grab two handfuls of somebody's neck on each side.

[1762] Oh, my God.

[1763] You're grabbing their jugular.

[1764] But the thing about it was was grabbing it like this?

[1765] Yeah, we did.

[1766] know what we were doing we didn't know what we were doing so some people were just grabbing like you know what a neck muscle they were they were back here but occasionally people would grab them right just dumb shit yeah the final what happened was someone did it correctly and the dude did the same thing he fell straight forward and uh and then there was announcements you know announcements at the end of the day and there's been a fad around the school to be grabbing your classmates next this whole fucking thing about it's very dangerous you're depriving oxygen to the temporal lobe and all this fucking bullshit and it just basically could you please stop choking each i wonder how many kids today are practicing m -ma moves on their friends at school you know you watch the ultimate fighter or something like that you see what he getting me got him at camaro let me show you give me your arm yeah dude the first time i ever threw out my back was in fourth grade i let this kid put me in the figure four leg lock i swear to god because i was because i was oh son the bleep well it's not real it doesn't hurt and it was killing me so i I was leaning up to try to take his leg off.

[1767] It's the first time I felt lower back pain.

[1768] Fourth grade.

[1769] Wow.

[1770] So you jacked your back in the fourth grade?

[1771] Fourth grade.

[1772] It's been fucking with you ever since.

[1773] Faking four leg look.

[1774] Well, it didn't fuck with me until football a few years later.

[1775] Unorganized, of course, because I never had the grades.

[1776] But that's when it really got bad.

[1777] But the first back pain I ever had.

[1778] What do you think about those people that say that back pain is all psychological?

[1779] That's bullshit.

[1780] Are you serious?

[1781] There's people that actually say that.

[1782] Oh, yeah.

[1783] That John Sardo guy.

[1784] he's got books on it I think there are a lot of people that have psychological back pain Oh absolutely But there's a lot of injuries too Yeah it exists But it doesn't mean it's all This guy like he I don't know if he says all of them But I think he attributes a lot of them He's talking about how people Even if they have injuries The injuries don't really hurt nearly as much as you think they do It's all psychosomatic I agree that He's basically saying we're a bunch of pussy A bunch of pussies A bunch of pushes And the ideas that the injuries distract you from other stress You know And take it Well, I'm a firm believer of stretching, yoga, any of that type of shit, because I don't know what happens when you get older, but even just sleeping, the amount more that your tendons or whatever shrivel up.

[1785] Like, dude, if you ever saw me hobble to the bathroom in the morning, you would think that I played like five years of professional ball or so.

[1786] I don't know what's going on with me. So I, but if I stretch before, I go to bed or something like that, I'm way better.

[1787] Really?

[1788] Yeah, like my foot is fucking jacked.

[1789] it's an old injury I had from playing drums and it's a real hard You got a drum injury?

[1790] Yeah You'd be surprised Some other drummers When a planters fish a lot I don't know what the fuck they call it But it was from I had poor technique And I was trying to do this bass drum lick This thing that John Bonham did And this song Good Times, Bad Times These really quick 16th note triplets Triplets I'm sure you heard that The fight game And I was trying I had bad technique What I was doing And I fucked up the arch of it And it literally felt like as I was walking on the street, someone was like I was stepping on nails.

[1791] Wow.

[1792] And I didn't know what to do.

[1793] Typical Irish guy, I just thought, well, just fucking stick it in the air for a minute and it'll be fine.

[1794] And I tough, and I finally had to go.

[1795] You got to like take a bottle water, freeze it in the fridge.

[1796] Right, and step on it.

[1797] And then just sit there rolling it on the bottom of your foot, anti -inflammatories.

[1798] Then you got to rest it up.

[1799] So what is the actual injury?

[1800] Is it a tendon?

[1801] What is it?

[1802] I don't fucking know.

[1803] It's like carpal tunnel for drummers.

[1804] Yeah.

[1805] I always stop and think about it.

[1806] But if I lived like just a hundred years ago or even less, I would be useless.

[1807] My body's been screwed back together so many different times, so many different things.

[1808] I've had three pretty significant knee surgeries.

[1809] Two reconstructions, both knees.

[1810] I've had the ACLs replaced.

[1811] This one I had my meniscus done.

[1812] I had my nose fixed.

[1813] My nose was broken.

[1814] Who knows how many fucking times?

[1815] So they had to scoop out all the shit out of my nose and the deviated septum repair.

[1816] I stop and think about it.

[1817] Like if modern science wasn't around, modern medicine, I'd be fucked.

[1818] Are you being ogre?

[1819] you'd be living under a bridge I'd be a cripple I wouldn't be able to do anything without fear of my legs given out and popping out and falling to the ground in agony You know That's just what people did back in the time Well I would have been dead My appendix ruptured in the sixth grade That would have been it It would have been a rap Wow What happens when your appendix ruptures What happens Your parents just tell you to go take a nap And they don't believe you for three days And then finally they'd take you down there And you almost die Yeah Wow I always poison my parents for that one.

[1820] They just didn't believe you.

[1821] No, I don't know.

[1822] My brother's convinced I was playing baseball and that's what it happened.

[1823] I don't even remember.

[1824] I just kept having like side pain and then the next day I would feel fine.

[1825] Then I'd have a fever and then I would feel fine.

[1826] And then one day, I guess it just burst.

[1827] Isn't it crazy that what your appendix is is an organ that you don't use anymore because it's used to process raw meat?

[1828] Yeah.

[1829] It's an organ that we've evolved past.

[1830] It's a bone, breaking down bone.

[1831] Is your, is your, you're a organ that you're Intestines are an organ?

[1832] I thought your organ is like a liver.

[1833] Google that shit, son.

[1834] Google intestines.

[1835] Find out what the fuck it is.

[1836] I'm pretty sure that what intestine is, or not intestine, appendix, appendix, rather.

[1837] What appendix is, is an organ that we used to use when we process meat.

[1838] We processed much more raw meat, you know.

[1839] I thought it was when we ate leaves.

[1840] I thought it was bone.

[1841] Jesus, look at us.

[1842] It's something that we're evolving.

[1843] Between the three of us.

[1844] Yeah, we don't have a fucking clue.

[1845] Yeah.

[1846] It's something that we're evolving.

[1847] you know or we're evolving so we don't use it anymore which is pretty fascinating when you think about it it's actually you know me it couldn't have been that long ago it's like clear evidence that the human body's adapting to its environment and we literally don't use this fucking organ anymore and sometimes it blows up in your body you know I mean that's what it does right it's like why I would have here suicide bombs I would have been I would have died of that there's a couple things I would have broke my arm when I was six I got hit by a car if it was the 1800s I would have died by getting hit by that car in the 1800s How'd you get hit by a car?

[1848] I didn't look I was racing my brother home and he had stronger legs than I did so I figured if I crossed I was sure I looked and I just do right out in front of a Jeep I wish I had video because I still don't know how I didn't get run over all I remember was being upside down and feeling the heat of the engine and seeing the bumper and then the next thing I remember I was lying perpendicular to the double lines.

[1849] I was only out for a second, just like Bellsard, when he got choked out.

[1850] It was only out for a second because when I came to, the biggest dude you ever saw in your life gets out of this Jeep.

[1851] He probably had nightmares because of the way I just rode out in front of me. He got out already crying, going, oh, my God, I hit him.

[1852] Holy shit.

[1853] And all I could think was my dad's going to fucking kill me and I got up and I ran, the only thing that fucking happened, well, anything that other than, And then I got knocked out was, you know that thing here?

[1854] If you bite down on your back teeth, that thing that goes in and out on the side of your head?

[1855] Yeah.

[1856] That's right where I got hurt.

[1857] So I had to eat with a little spoon for a couple of days.

[1858] I remember it happened on a Wednesday because the doctor says you don't have to go to school for the rest of the week.

[1859] And I was psyched.

[1860] I finally didn't have to fake school.

[1861] And I had fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off.

[1862] It was totally worth it.

[1863] It was one of the reasons why I stopped fighting is because when I was kickboxing, there was many nights where I couldn't chew my food.

[1864] I'd come home and I literally couldn't chew.

[1865] Oh, because I'm getting hit on the side of the head.

[1866] And I would get headaches.

[1867] I'd lay in bed at night and get fucking vicious headaches.

[1868] That was not fine.

[1869] That was scary shit.

[1870] But I'd be chewing food.

[1871] I'd be chewing food going like, you know, you get kicked in the fucking jaw.

[1872] That's not fun.

[1873] You know, you get kicked or punched in the head, like really blasted.

[1874] Oh, yeah.

[1875] Your jaw just gets unhinged.

[1876] Dude, I fought right up until fifth grade.

[1877] And then I went from being one of the bigger kids to one of the smaller kids.

[1878] And then also kids started getting to be like a buck 20.

[1879] and kind of knowing how to throw a punch and, like, I saw, I saw, scary, saw the back of the wall.

[1880] Oh, yeah, dude, I totally became a coward.

[1881] I became funny.

[1882] I knew a bunch of dudes who had brain damage.

[1883] I knew a bunch of dudes from boxing gyms that had brain damage.

[1884] It wasn't too significant, but it was enough that you could see it.

[1885] And I had seen guys from, you know, when I started when I was 15, and I'd seen how they evolved, you know, how they developed brain damage up until, you know, when I was like 21 when I stopped fighting, 21 or 22.

[1886] I got to see the deterioration.

[1887] That's some scary shit.

[1888] what's his face you know who saved me I went to go get I wanted to get in shape when I was living in New York so I started going to Gleason's gym but I just did it like total like actor I just want to get shredded they were calling me like Billy Swank and shit did I say about this?

[1889] Yeah.

[1890] I'm giving me shit so Charlie Murphy fucking gave me great advice because I told him I was starting to go over there because he's all into that martial arts shit and he just called me he's like hey yo Bill let me tell you something and he totally fucking broke it down he's like you're going to be over there for like he literally broke down because you're going to be over there for like fucking maybe a month, month and a half and somebody's going to come up to you and tell you that you look like you're decent and they're basically going to try to talk you into getting into the ring because they need fresh meat and he goes, do not go in there under any circumstances.

[1891] I'm like whatever, Charlie, you're always preaching this apocalyptic shit.

[1892] They would literally clockwork six weeks over there.

[1893] This fucking black dude shredded comes up to me. Hey man, you're a comedian?

[1894] Man, you don't look like a comedian.

[1895] Look how you've got a nice jab or whatever you know we want to spar a few rounds i almost started laughing like it was so exactly what the fuck he said i was like get the fuck some six weeks six weeks in a comedian this fucking guy's been fighting for like 10 years he wanted to beat you up he wanted to try this shit that he didn't have the balls to try against a professional he was going to try some new i don't know superman hook is that a punch i don't know what the fuck it was he wanted to try it on my dudes do look for easy guys to spar with yeah they look to beat guys up to improve their confidence and you know try the techniques on nobody wants to spar with a guy that's going to beat the fuck out of you you want to spar with a guy who's going to just kind of barely put up a fight and you're going to be able to tee off on them and get it's like like glorified padwork that's basically what charlie told me that's true charlie murphy gave you some good advice great advice i told him he laughed his ass off when i told him that because he just started he just started thinking about my big stupid charlie brown head getting battered around the ring boxing gyms are notorious for that shit see when that happens in jujitsu it's really no big deal I remember when I first started doing jiu -jitsu, I started rolling with guys who were really good and just getting humiliated, getting strangled.

[1896] There was this one purple belt kid.

[1897] I was a white belt and I was on news radio and I was just starting out.

[1898] There was this purple belt kid, this Brazilian kid who was badass and he used to fucking rape me every day.

[1899] I would be terrified to have to fucking roll with this kid because he was really good.

[1900] And I was terrible.

[1901] And every time I'd roll with him, this motherfucker would mount me and choke me and arm bar me. He would tap me three, four times.

[1902] I was exhausted.

[1903] Just over and over and over again, he would tap.

[1904] me. But it didn't hurt me, you know what I'm saying?

[1905] But what was the level of frustration?

[1906] It was very frustrating.

[1907] Coming from being a national champion in Taekwondo.

[1908] Well, it was eye -opening.

[1909] Well, one of the reasons why I stopped doing Taekwondo is because Taekwondo, you don't punch to the head in the tournaments.

[1910] And I started kickboxing.

[1911] I started working with – there was a guy named Joe Lake who was a boxing coach in Boston, and he was training at the same gym that I was at, and he was offering me to teach me boxing if I would teach him how to kick.

[1912] And so we sort of made this little deal, and worked back and forth with each other.

[1913] And I started boxing, and as I started boxing, I realized how.

[1914] bad my hands were from taekwondo and then I'm like I'm wasted all my time doing this taekwondo shit but then when I go box with guys and kickbox I'm fucking terrible with my hands so I started getting really good at my hands and working on it so I'd already been enlightened to the fact that my original path was not the best path in the world and one of the reasons why I stopped fighting I stopped fighting in Taekwondo tournaments because I realized how silly it was how easy it was for people to punch me in the face and how many techniques didn't work once you added punching then when the ultimate fighting championship came along I realized like oh well look what this fucking guy does he just you know hoist gracie just takes guys down and strangles him what the fuck would i do if that guy got me i don't know shit so i started doing jujitsu and i was just a rank beginner i was i wrestled one year in high school so i knew how to throw bodies around a little bit but i didn't know how to defend myself against anybody was any good and this kid just mangled me over and he never really hurt me you know if this was kickboxing and he did that to me he would have given me brain damage broke my face knock me out but this guy just choked me and i just tapped and he arm barred me and I tapped, but he's not really hurting you.

[1915] Every time he's doing this to you, you just tap.

[1916] Just emotionally humiliation.

[1917] Just to know, you don't realize until you roll with a guy who's good how a guy who's like that, you know, high -level purple belt is a strong guy, can just do whatever the fuck he wants to you.

[1918] Like literally, you have no defense.

[1919] There's almost nothing you do.

[1920] If you don't punch him and knock him unconscious as he's grabbing a hold of you, once he grabs you, you're a victim.

[1921] You're just a victim.

[1922] You know, it's almost like if you get grabbed by like a bear, Like a wild animal It's the second they grab your button down You're finished Way worse for the bear You finished You imagine what it must feel like There's a photo that a guy took He died He was killed by this bear But he got one last photograph Of the female charging him Because he was a wildlife photographer It's a very famous photo And he was in the woods And as he's walking through the woods He stumbled upon bear cubs And as he stumbled upon bear It was just too late The female just runs out of him A grizzly And he got a photo of her Fucking lips curled Teeth Bear Roaring and looking at him with dead eyes And that was his last photo that he ever took It's a fucking intense photo If you find it online Anybody who finds it online Twitter that shit to me Because I lost it I had it online I was showing it to somebody And then I cannot find it anymore I don't know if it was pulled or what Jesus You know when I was in Colorado My dog got eaten by a mountain lion Oh yeah I know I've been keeping up on you Just so you know we're at that 2 hour and 20 minutes I know where we are We should probably end this There's nobody wants to listen Do a 2 hour and 20 minute podcast By the way, you have a podcast we should talk about every Monday.

[1923] Bill Burr does not have fucking Twitter.

[1924] So we got him a goddamn Twitter account.

[1925] Bill, you got to have to use that shit.

[1926] It helps you promote gigs.

[1927] It's the best thing for a comic to use right now.

[1928] It's so easy to promote gigs.

[1929] I would have known that you had a podcast if I heard of Twitter.

[1930] Don't you know that that's by design?

[1931] My podcast, I don't hype it.

[1932] I don't hype it.

[1933] My podcast is totally, I do it for fun.

[1934] and it's it's i go i'm way dirtier i'm way dirt yeah but people don't know but you guys you fucking know me you know me you didn't even know i had one i knew you had one i didn't know you had one i remember you think that you knew that i had one but you didn't i remember you used to do it with a phone you used to do it with a phone i do yeah but i just don't uh i don't give a fuck how do you do it now do you sit down with a microphone now and just rant how you do it now it's the same thing yeah people send me questions and then i i just go off on shit So now you don't do it on a phone.

[1935] You don't do that anymore?

[1936] No, I haven't done it on a phone now for about a year.

[1937] Oh, one of those, voicemail things?

[1938] Year and a half.

[1939] Oh, yeah, when I used to call up G -Cath.

[1940] But that was a lot of fun, though, because I could be in airports making fun of fucking the creeps at Cineabon and all that, and people really like that.

[1941] How come you don't have a fucking Twitter account?

[1942] Dude, I just got on Facebook.

[1943] But Facebook's good, but Twitter's great for promoting gigs.

[1944] I got a gig at the punchline Atlanta this Sunday.

[1945] I'm still listening to Dawkins.

[1946] Okay, there's nothing wrong with that I got a gig at the punchline in Atlanta this Sunday I just booked it because I'm going to be in Atlanta on Monday and I had a fly in Sunday afternoon So I said well I just do a fucking show there So I just started promoting it I started promoting it on fucking Twitter I just threw it up on Twitter I'm in to let people know So then people start retweeting it and letting people know It's almost fucking sold out That's all you have to do Yeah but you also get Joe Rogan Yeah but I mean it helps You're on television but people know who you are It helps Bill Burrity you're a celebrity too When I told people that you were coming on the podcast people got all fucking excited and fired up on Twitter.

[1947] What, seven of them?

[1948] No, a bunch of them on Twitter.

[1949] I'll show you some.

[1950] You know something.

[1951] Are you against filling seats?

[1952] Bill Byr.

[1953] I'm against this fuzzy math.

[1954] Look, I'll show you.

[1955] There's a lot of people in here that we're talking about Bill Burr.

[1956] There's a lot of people.

[1957] Look at that.

[1958] I'm scrolling.

[1959] I can't find Bill Burr on Twitter right there.

[1960] Bam.

[1961] It's Bill Burr on Twitter.

[1962] People are trying to find you on Twitter.

[1963] And that's what you do.

[1964] You leave them wanting more, Joe.

[1965] Look, you know how much fucking.

[1966] It's a pain in the air.

[1967] ass to do all that shit it's so easy i do you have an iphone what do you have blackberry i i fucking twitter every week on my fucking podcast i for an hour and you could listen to it's on twitter it's not twitter it's not the same thing twitter is like a text message that you send to all your fans so like i've got a hundred and thirty something thousand people on my twitter quit showing off we're fucking blackbellers son you know 131 785 so that is a hundred and thirty one thousand people that i can get in contact with pretty much instantly i mean if they pay attention in their Twitter.

[1968] You know, all you have to do is your Twitter, hey, I'm going to be in, fucking Newport Beach, bam, and then you can get people to come to your shows.

[1969] It's so much easier.

[1970] It's so much easier than going on a radio show and getting up in the morning.

[1971] You can fucking get things done with this Twitter.

[1972] I'm always like, I always like the old school way of doing shit.

[1973] I always think it's better.

[1974] I don't know why.

[1975] You're an old school sort of a guy, Bill Burr.

[1976] I'm a romantic.

[1977] You are a romantic.

[1978] And with that note, ladies and gentlemen.

[1979] By the way, Joe, that bear photo is fake.

[1980] I'll get on Twitter.

[1981] It's fake?

[1982] Yeah.

[1983] Which one is fake?

[1984] The one with a dead body?

[1985] Oh, I don't know.

[1986] You're talking about, oh, no, no, no, that's a different one.

[1987] Yeah, that is great.

[1988] I will, I will, the other one is in the woods, it's a black and white.

[1989] That's what it was, that tweeting.

[1990] That just sounded gay.

[1991] Tweeting, tweet.

[1992] Yeah, but say it, Joe.

[1993] But is it your say, yeah, I tweeted about that yesterday.

[1994] I tweeted about that yesterday.

[1995] See how you looked away?

[1996] You couldn't look at me. You couldn't look at me. Bill, where are you going to be out this weekend?

[1997] Where can people see you?

[1998] I'm going to be at the improv down on Melrose, Hollywood Improv, and next weekend, I'm going to be at the, Orleans with Tom Papa co -headlining with Tom Papa.

[1999] The last gig George Carlin ever did was at the Orleans Casino.

[2000] Wow.

[2001] In Vegas.

[2002] That's a good place.

[2003] I'm going to be there.

[2004] I've been there for fights.

[2005] Billbird .com?

[2006] B -U -R -R -Birr .com.

[2007] And I have and what the fuck is.

[2008] I don't even know what it is.

[2009] I have a podcast.

[2010] If you click on the podcast link.

[2011] Billbird .com slash podcast.

[2012] And you can find it on iTunes.

[2013] It's called the Monday morning podcast.

[2014] Yeah, the Monday morning.

[2015] We got him a fucking Twitter account.

[2016] We're going to force him into getting Twitter.

[2017] We're going to set it up here.