#188 - Amy Schumer

[0] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night All day That's a very mild version of the song there It's like you weren't trying to hurt Amy Schumer's ears Oh, thank you.

[1] That was the lady -friendly version I think that was I think that's exactly what he was doing Is that what you're doing?

[2] Yeah, exactly Because you find her cute I didn't want to start over her You love her already Look you're already adjusting your behavior That's respect That's some serious respect I'm excited Because usually it blows your fucking eardrums out And it's all silly It sounds like tea party music And then he gets silly with the fade out, you know, because he fades it out.

[3] They do, wah, wow, wow, wow.

[4] And I'll go on for like minutes.

[5] But not with you.

[6] With you, he's trying to be like really unobtrusive and really sweet.

[7] Look, I'm putting collages of pictures together.

[8] You're making him the best, you're making him the best Brian he can be.

[9] He's doing his job.

[10] You're shocked.

[11] I'm for real.

[12] If it wasn't for you here, I think you're making Brian the best Brian he can possibly do.

[13] Is this a better version of you, Brian, for real?

[14] No, I think he's.

[15] What if I bring out the best?

[16] you don't run away from this he's trying to troll me right now you know I'm not trying to troll you women do do that that's one of the things that he's playing a practical joke on me right now you know how guys this is going to sound totally ridiculous but you know how guys will sometimes get divorced and the woman will get half a guy's shit and then people will say oh man that's fucked up you know that she never told a joke or she never you know made one point you know how the fuck did she get half his money but the combination of people sometimes sometimes, like, a woman will come into your life and she's such a badass bitch and you want to impress her so much, you will be a better person.

[17] Well, I think the flip side of that is, I think what chicks do, uh, not me, no. I think the, when you start dating somebody, like, I'll just, like, I'm the, I'm like, I'm like, super cool new girl, you know, I'm like, let me just sweep the crazy end of the rug for a couple months.

[18] I'm like, you don't need to see this.

[19] Of course.

[20] You don't need to meet my mom who I'm becoming.

[21] and then, you know, the truth comes out eventually.

[22] But I think you're like the best version of yourself at first and then you can't help it.

[23] That's what I always tell guys.

[24] You should be the you who you're pretending to be when you're trying to get laid.

[25] If you do that, stay that way.

[26] Stay that guy.

[27] Be that guy.

[28] Yes.

[29] It is possible to be that guy.

[30] It's fucking hard.

[31] Yeah, you can like decide and work on it, right?

[32] Be the you that you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

[33] I think it takes a lot of vitamin D or something.

[34] Yes.

[35] That's why I'm so low on D. You got to do squats.

[36] You got to do deadlifts.

[37] Squatts.

[38] Squatch doesn't give you tea.

[39] Kettlebell, son.

[40] Big fucking heavy ones.

[41] 50 pounders, 70 pounders.

[42] You got to really work the spine and the core.

[43] All that is part of it.

[44] Got to keep your core engaged for sure.

[45] Yeah, my inner core.

[46] So I think that Amy Schumer is like your muse.

[47] This is what I'm saying.

[48] You know that she's hilarious.

[49] You know that she's talented as fuck.

[50] So when you're around her, you've got like this guy crazy respect because you're also physically attracted to her.

[51] Like, there's a lot going on here.

[52] Oh, this is the best.

[53] Brian, don't you feel this?

[54] Don't you feel this, Amy?

[55] There's a lot going on here.

[56] I'm loving this.

[57] Brian, this is, it's not bad, bro.

[58] It's good.

[59] All I'm saying is, she makes you a better person.

[60] I know, what is this shirt?

[61] This cougar hunter.

[62] Yeah, the evidence is right there.

[63] That shirt is so ridiculous.

[64] I know.

[65] You know what I want to do?

[66] I want to get pictures of you in the woods near my house where the mountline is.

[67] Oh.

[68] Let's go out near my house because there's been four mountain line sightings.

[69] Yeah.

[70] Near my house.

[71] Attacks or just sightings?

[72] No, just sightings.

[73] You know, the attacks.

[74] are usually on dogs and a lot of rabbits get fucked up and the occasional deer if they catch a deer they'll basically fuck up anything yeah but they try to avoid people as much as possible so it's really weird that they've seen four or at least one four times in the course of it might be the same one most likely yeah I'm obsessed with that show you ever watch I survived yeah and the mountain line ones really fuck me up they just like they scalp you they're horrific they're so dangerous people you don't even have any idea of how strong they are you know You know, when you see one, there was one, when I was in Colorado, they had a stuffed one, like this, they had this crazy wildlife exhibit place where there was this guy taking care of, like, all these different tigers that were from zoos and all.

[75] So it was like a big, huge area filled with big cats, but they had a stuffed mountain line.

[76] And it was like 200 pounds, 150, 200 pounds.

[77] But it's what, when you look at the dimensions, that's what it freaks you out.

[78] You see the width of its paws.

[79] Its wrist is like twice the size of a man's.

[80] Yeah.

[81] They're enormous wrists.

[82] And then you look at the bones of the paws and you look at the fucking head.

[83] All of it just designed to fuck shit up.

[84] Just ruin you.

[85] Imagine a cat as big as a person.

[86] This is essentially what it is.

[87] It's a big man, but it's a cat.

[88] It's like 600 pound fucking cat.

[89] The one I saw and I survived, the woman was trying to save her husband.

[90] And she was jamming a pen into the mountain line's eye.

[91] Oh, my God.

[92] And it wasn't even reacting.

[93] Oh, my God.

[94] What?

[95] Yeah.

[96] Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ.

[97] Yeah, you would have to brick that thing.

[98] Aren't you scared, like, to be outside of your house?

[99] Yeah, a little bit, you know.

[100] Yeah, but I pack heat.

[101] You know what I do?

[102] When I go outside, some of the times I go outside to take a leak just to put my mark around the house.

[103] That's not weird.

[104] That's not weird at all.

[105] And I do it in my underwear with a gun in my underwear.

[106] I just tuck the gun in my underwear.

[107] See, I just poop in little coffee cans and inside my house and then they just put them around my yard.

[108] You guys, I feel like we should have more secrets for me. let's start now and it'll just be secrets ladies and gentlemen i don't really walk around my just i'm just fucking around but i did when i was hiking in colorado i did always used to bring a gun just for that very reason yeah just for the mountain line reason most likely it never happens but fuck if it does happen wouldn't it be nice to be able to shoot that cunt those posters that say like just make yourself bigger yeah like this is gonna listen you say it's gonna but you got to do something i know listen my plan i always hike with a friend a big wild killer is looking at you.

[109] I'm going to throw my friend at the mountain line and I'll go get help.

[110] That's probably good move.

[111] That's a good move.

[112] So you're better playing dead and then just push them.

[113] You're a better actor.

[114] You remember in South Park when the fucking actors had to save the world how important it was?

[115] It's like you can save us.

[116] You're an actor.

[117] Just push her in there.

[118] Play like you're dead.

[119] Operation Human Shield.

[120] Pretend.

[121] Oh, wow.

[122] Mountain Line's eating your asshole.

[123] Ouch.

[124] Oh, do you remember that thing we talked about a while back where I said, if you ever get attacked by a lion, I would take, like, a piece of paper and try to throw it, like if it was a real cat, and you were like, oh, you're stupid.

[125] But somebody posted this amazing documentary of this guy, and you've actually seen it before, where he gets really close to this lion, this male lion, and this girl lion, and he's holding a toilet paper roll.

[126] And the whole time he's just holding it, like, in his right hand, and then, like, the cat starts coming up to him.

[127] He's just, like, about to throw the toilet paper roll, and the cat just kind of like looks over to the right and it like...

[128] It looks like you're just like jerking off the cat right now.

[129] Yeah.

[130] But no, but then at one point like he got really close and the guy was like going to use that to throw it in the opposite direction.

[131] He said that that would be like his only chance to survive.

[132] It was that little toilet paper.

[133] Oh my God.

[134] And if I could find the video, I'll try to find it.

[135] If anyone knows what I'm talking about tweeted to me. So his only chance to survive was to distract him with toilet paper.

[136] Yeah.

[137] We have to watch this video.

[138] I hope somebody tweets me. Yeah, because you'll freak out.

[139] Wow, because they've never seen anything like it before.

[140] It's because in their instincts, yeah, their instincts are still a cat, like where if you throw anything at a cat, you know, it will be like, what the fuck's that?

[141] We should kill all cats.

[142] Yeah, let's just eliminate them.

[143] I love my cats and everything, but I know the only reason why I love them is because of the size difference, you know, I'm way bigger than I'm.

[144] Yeah, but you're not going to love like a ferrette.

[145] If she wanted to fuck around, try to kill me, I could snap her neck.

[146] Do you know what I'm saying?

[147] That's what makes you love something?

[148] Well, no, that's why she loves me. Oh, okay.

[149] I'm big enough.

[150] But if the rolls were reversed, my cat would eat me. Yeah, your cat doesn't give a shit.

[151] Cats, I don't, they're like abusive relationships.

[152] They fucking do, they would totally eat you.

[153] When they need something, they're like, hey, it's me. And then when they're like, fuck off.

[154] You can't have a cat and a pet mouse.

[155] You just can't have it.

[156] Do you have that?

[157] You just can't have it.

[158] A pet mouse?

[159] Yeah.

[160] No. But I do have cats.

[161] I have two cats.

[162] What are their names?

[163] You don't need to know what that's.

[164] I'm interested.

[165] This is personal creepy shit.

[166] You know, you're getting rid with me. Here's that video, Joe.

[167] I'm painting myself a picture.

[168] Here's that video.

[169] Spaz and Oliver.

[170] Yeah, I'm not judging you.

[171] Oh, this is insane.

[172] He faces the king of beasts.

[173] Just an ordinary roll of toilet paper.

[174] Oh, my God.

[175] This guy's out of his fucking line.

[176] And he'll also that guy's lion's size.

[177] He's going to throw it at his head and hope it creates a diversion.

[178] Oh, my God.

[179] Look at that thing.

[180] None of them have guns either.

[181] Look at this fucking lion.

[182] Look at the size of this thing.

[183] I don't know which thing you're talking about.

[184] It gets intense.

[185] Oh, my God.

[186] It's intense now.

[187] For the audio listeners, it's a bear versus a lion.

[188] Oh, yeah, they can't see.

[189] A bear.

[190] I mean, a big, a big guy.

[191] A big man with a ponytail.

[192] Yeah.

[193] Yeah, you got some questionable life choices when you got a pony tail anyway.

[194] It is a bear versus.

[195] Oh, my God.

[196] Oh, my God.

[197] Look at the size of this thing.

[198] It gets intense here for a second of course.

[199] Jesus Christ.

[200] It doesn't even need this creepy music.

[201] That is a big killer, a big wild killer.

[202] The cat whips its tail around, a sign that he views Mike as a potential danger.

[203] I don't know.

[204] Between being alone with that lion or that dude, I think I'd take my chances with the Oh my god, this is terrifying.

[205] Can you imagine that?

[206] Look at the size of its arms, just look at that thing.

[207] It's beautiful.

[208] It's horrifying at the same time.

[209] The idea of that thing looking at you, this 600 pound, five.

[210] monster that just kills things every day in Africa Jesus fucking Christ what's second line there's a second line in the back oh my god there's a second line oh my god this guy's alone with the two of them why is this guy in Narnia oh my god he is fucking up here yeah this is where it gets fucked crazy right here the guy doesn't seem scared is he just that cool he's stoned Yeah, they put him on meds.

[211] He's on meds.

[212] They just dropped him in a field.

[213] They're like, good luck.

[214] Here's a ball of paper.

[215] Look at that thing.

[216] My God.

[217] This is like a fucking werewolf movie.

[218] Oh, my God.

[219] This is insane.

[220] It's walking away.

[221] Oh, my God.

[222] And then that is it.

[223] Oh, my God, I walked away.

[224] Jesus Christ, that's terrifying.

[225] That was heavy.

[226] But, yeah, so, so terrifying.

[227] So my paper theory is totally.

[228] legit wow Brian Redband's paper theory so if you're getting attacked by a tiger get some paper crinkle it in the ball and then right before it attacks you just get like you're gonna throw it it's um is it the big the motion of it like you're throwing something and it's big and white and they don't know what the fuck it is I don't think it was that paper fuck I think it's just a hack into the the brain of a cat or a feline that for some whatever reason they they they they that crinkly noise that that That ball, that what's the in your hand type thing.

[229] It doesn't know what it is.

[230] So it's like, it just spazes out.

[231] Like, what the fuck's in this hand?

[232] We're so lucky cats are stupid as fuck.

[233] We're so lucky.

[234] Toil paper distracts them.

[235] Oh, that was scary.

[236] That was one of those things.

[237] I mean, even though those shitty, blurry YouTube style video, it was still absolutely terrifying.

[238] There's got to be an HD version of that.

[239] Oh, yeah.

[240] It's called Man versus Wild Pride, male lion, and it's off the, what is it, the animal planet?

[241] So it's like an animal planet DVD that's available?

[242] Man versus what?

[243] This is man versus wild pride.

[244] I don't know if that's...

[245] Man versus wild pride.

[246] Jesus Christ.

[247] I want to know that guy's deal.

[248] He's crazy.

[249] He's going on with that dude.

[250] He's taking...

[251] Well, you know, he's another one of those dudes, those wild, I'm going to get close to animal dudes, that have been popping up a lot lately.

[252] We should really say rest in peace if he is dead because he probably is...

[253] That looks like an old video and he's doing that kind of shit.

[254] He's probably not even alive anymore.

[255] Yeah, that got is...

[256] He looked like he was on his last leg, regardless.

[257] Yeah, like, I think...

[258] Steve Irwin sort of started that all off, you know, because he was like real wild than an animal with a crocodile hunter dude.

[259] He would get like right up to him and, you know.

[260] And what was the one with the black bear?

[261] What was that movie?

[262] Oh, grizzly man. Grizzly.

[263] Oh, that was a brown bear.

[264] It was.

[265] Yeah, the brown bears are the big ones.

[266] The black bears aren't that dangerous.

[267] Black bears are, they don't really attack people as much or kill people as much.

[268] It's the bigger bears of the brown bears.

[269] Yeah, he was that nutty dude who lived in Alaska and they said that he is essentially death by bear.

[270] I mean, he just suicided himself.

[271] He wanted to do that.

[272] It was suicide by bear.

[273] He just stayed late.

[274] You're not supposed to be there.

[275] The bears that are awake are super dangerous because they can't kill anything so they're not fat enough to hibernate, you know, and so they'll eat anything to eat babies.

[276] They were eating babies.

[277] Like, he caught the meeting babies, and he's still stuck around.

[278] Fuck.

[279] Yeah.

[280] That poor girl.

[281] I always think about his girlfriend.

[282] She died, too, right?

[283] Yeah, absolutely.

[284] She died after she tried to help him.

[285] Apparently the video is, there was a cap over the camera, but the audio is there of the whole event, and it's like six minutes long.

[286] Shit.

[287] Yeah.

[288] The movie only played, like, the very beginning of that, right?

[289] No, they didn't play any of the audio of the attack.

[290] In the movie, his ex -wife, or his ex -girlfriend, whatever it is, is listening to it.

[291] She's listening to the audio, and she's the one who decides, her and Werner of Herzong, the guy who was director, they decided not to release it.

[292] But it's a long audio, too.

[293] It's like bears don't kill you.

[294] They just eat you and eventually you die.

[295] It's a completely different deal than a cat.

[296] You're way better off getting killed by a cat.

[297] Cats just, cats kill you.

[298] Well, they kill you.

[299] They kill you.

[300] The first thing they're going to do is grab a hold of your neck and they're going to kill you.

[301] That's their instinct.

[302] They're not worried about you.

[303] Bears just hold you and start eating.

[304] Jesus.

[305] Was there any proof that the wife of that bear dude didn't have a penis, right?

[306] Yes, she was a real woman.

[307] And she just, it was sad, you know.

[308] Some women get just roped up with guys and they can't find a man so they find some guys doesn't want to believe that he's gay, so he's living in the woods with bears and shit.

[309] He was crazy, obviously gay guy, you know?

[310] I mean, like, as gay as he can get.

[311] And I think, you know, for some dudes, the desire to stay in the closet is so strong.

[312] It leads to me so fucking crazy.

[313] They're willing to go live with grizzlies, you know?

[314] And he had this whole thing how he was protecting.

[315] I'm protecting these bears.

[316] Does the forest department want to help them?

[317] Does the sheriff's department want to help them now?

[318] The wild life, you fuck you, you motherfuckers.

[319] And he was like yelling and screaming at the camera and pointing at them.

[320] And then he would like reconstitute himself, clean himself up, get back in and do it again and do like another take on it.

[321] He should have just taken a dick once.

[322] Lived his life.

[323] Probably.

[324] I think that would have certainly helped him.

[325] I think he was, and he had this crazy thing where he was like walking, holding the camera, talking about if he was just gay.

[326] If I was just gay would be so easy.

[327] I could just go to a, yes, yeah, I could, you know, you go to a rest stop, but, oh, well, I'm not gay.

[328] Just gay for bears.

[329] It was just, it was the most obvious I'm gay, like, cry for help.

[330] Yeah, it was really sad.

[331] It was sad because it's fucked up that, it's fucked up that dudes get stuck in that closet situation, man. Yeah.

[332] You know, that's a terrible place to be to pretend your whole life to be one thing when you really you could just say you're another and everybody will still love you.

[333] Yeah.

[334] You know, it's like, you don't have to, like, I know, I know dudes that are in the closet today.

[335] Tom's a girl Burke Chrysor Hey easy bro I thought we were going to talk about that on the air Brian you're such a dick I knew it I know it Oh we'll edit it I think we're doing it live on you stream right now I know but we'll edit it Fuckhead How dare you Bert and Tom fucking Oh yeah They don't really fuck They just start to fuck And they come prematurely all over each other Oh God It never actually becomes Bert and Tom fucking They're so hot for each other And the idea of them fucking is so hot They never get it inside There's no penetration.

[336] They just come close and they come.

[337] They're trying to be less gay just so that they could have gay sex.

[338] They're so gay that they can't even actually consummate.

[339] No. No, they just start twitching and coming all of themselves.

[340] It's so great to think about it.

[341] I'm like picturing Bert's family.

[342] Like what?

[343] His family is totally down.

[344] Don't worry.

[345] Everybody's cool.

[346] They are the coolest.

[347] Yeah.

[348] But if you're a bird's kid, you got to know what the fuck is up.

[349] You've got to know there's some craziness in the world.

[350] Those chicks run the house, yeah.

[351] They're ready for anything.

[352] It's probably best for him that they run the house.

[353] Could you imagine if he ran the house?

[354] No. You know?

[355] Bert's crazy.

[356] I could just picture those girls making him dress up for a tea party.

[357] Oh, of course.

[358] Oh, yeah, I'm sure he does all that stuff.

[359] The works.

[360] You have to do all that stuff when you have kids.

[361] Burke Kreiser.

[362] He's another one of those dudes that I think the internet is perfect for.

[363] You know, like people get to see the real.

[364] Does you don't have to see his body?

[365] No, when you get to hear him.

[366] Like when he's on podcast.

[367] You know, you get, you get the total, you know, when he's not stuck on, like, if he's, if he's doing Letterman or something, he's always hilarious, but he's stuck to like seven minutes.

[368] Right.

[369] You can't get to really know him.

[370] You need the, the bird experience.

[371] You need a two -hour, Burr Christchrist experience, you know.

[372] Amy Schumer, how long have you been doing comedy?

[373] Seven and a half years.

[374] Mm -hmm.

[375] You, uh, you did that Charlie Sheenbrost, and that's when I really, uh, that's when I found out about you.

[376] I'd heard your name before.

[377] People would say you're really funny.

[378] I don't want to blow your head up.

[379] I don't want to do it.

[380] Come on.

[381] I'm in a bad place.

[382] You know, when dudes would go, you know, guys always, every now and then someone will have this conversation when you see like a really funny chick, you know, like, oh, there's another one.

[383] See, because you know how it is with chick comedy.

[384] You know, with chick comedy, there's like, I'd say, dudes, it's hard enough to do comedy to be a dude, but to be a woman.

[385] Just to get over the societal boundary of you being the one talking, I think it's way more difficult for a woman.

[386] I think it's way more difficult for men, especially meatheads and insecure.

[387] guys to accept the fact that a woman's on stage talking.

[388] Yes.

[389] And then your subject matter is obviously going to be more, I wouldn't say more restrictive, but it's more difficult for you to get out certain things, especially sexual stuff and certain things about judgments and politics because people are reluctant to take the opinion of a woman.

[390] For sure.

[391] A lot of people are.

[392] It's way harder, I think, for a chick to make it and be a stand -up.

[393] So when you see a bad motherfucker come along, like yourself, you know, I always get, I'm always very impressed because I know that it's harder for a woman to do than a man. And when I heard you on that Charlie Sheen roast, I was like, holy shit, this chick is fucking funny.

[394] You had some really funny lines.

[395] I was like, oh, shit.

[396] You know, I generally, like a lot of times, roasts, I go, oh, okay, you're just being mean.

[397] Yeah.

[398] You know, I get it.

[399] You're being mean to each other.

[400] And sometimes it's funny.

[401] And sometimes it's just, whoa, this is like some weird, creepy shit.

[402] That guy's been, like, storing about this dude.

[403] Where is this coming from?

[404] It's gross.

[405] The way you did it was awesome.

[406] And the fucking exchange you got him with Mike Tyson.

[407] Can we play that?

[408] Can we play that?

[409] Oh, my God.

[410] We got to play that if we can't.

[411] If Brian could find it, he'll put it up.

[412] Because it was so funny.

[413] Mike Chison was trying to go back and forth with you.

[414] And you just handled him.

[415] You handled Mike Tyson the way Mike Tyson used to beat up boxer.

[416] It was really funny.

[417] That was like when I watched that, that was like in retrospect.

[418] I was like, Jesus.

[419] I was like did that just happen like I just like man you just manhandled Mike Tyson I think I'm just like in the white girl bubble enough still to be like he won't he won't he's not going to come over here like I'm gonna be uh but it was like afterwards I was like holy shit yeah you shouldn't assume that he could take a joke I mean he's a way calmer version of Mike Tyson than he was back in his fighting days but what a but he's a scary guy it was still like yeah there were some uncomfortable moments still where he'd like pretend to be like he was going to hit someone you're like that's not funny to anybody but you well they'll laugh at it that's the problem if he has like fakes punches at people people laugh just out of uncomfortable yeah no one's gonna be like uh you know what michael that makes me uncomfortable you're crossing a line michael you know you used to be a professional fighter right i'd like to talk about my boundaries he's like yeah you just have to be like oh that was awesome i'm gonna leave a couple minutes early let him grab your dick yeah he grabbed my dick the whole night You got to get to let them.

[420] As long as he's not squeezing it.

[421] No. When you're squeezing it, then you might want to call the cops.

[422] Chintill ball, tickling, nothing.

[423] No, but that was like afterwards.

[424] I was like, I can't believe that just happened.

[425] But he did a great job.

[426] I think he did even better than what they made it look like.

[427] The writers are all kind of sweating if he was going to be able to deliver.

[428] But I thought he, like, nailed it.

[429] Yeah, well, what did you think that he was going to be able to do?

[430] You just thought?

[431] Well, I didn't know.

[432] The writers who had been working with him were kind of like, oh, we hope.

[433] He was like the wild card.

[434] like he might just bug out like say be completely incoherent right because they had like a concept for him that he was going to speak really intelligently and spout poetry and right you know and uh but he did a great job well he used that's what he mean he was like a weird sort of uh kind of almost like a ghetto philosopher when he was a young guy because he would like mess up words and stuff but he would quote you all sorts of of crazy things like he was a he's a scholar on uh boxing history, you know.

[435] And when he was a young guy, he wasn't an inarticular guy, you know.

[436] I mean, I don't know how much has changed, but there's an inevitable decline in your ability to function after getting punched the head that many times.

[437] There's somebody's beating you in the head.

[438] Yeah, it's inevitable.

[439] There's a certain amount, you know.

[440] Yeah.

[441] And no one wants to admit that or accept that, but that is a fact.

[442] Yeah, I kind of, to be totally honest, I felt the only sort of remorse I felt that night was for him.

[443] Yeah.

[444] Because it was like, he's for sure brain damaged.

[445] And it felt like, you know.

[446] I think you fucking had to do what you had to do, girl.

[447] No, yeah, I don't regret it.

[448] You were in the pen with crocodiles and you poked him with the eyes and ran.

[449] They didn't see me coming.

[450] Yeah.

[451] Do you, have you found it, Brian?

[452] They're all a bunch of fake ones.

[453] Brian's just Googling himself.

[454] Yeah, like it's just like screenshots and stuff.

[455] Oh, has it been like copyrighted or something?

[456] Yeah, Comedy Central's on it.

[457] They pulled it out.

[458] It's probably on Comedy Central's website.

[459] Yeah.

[460] Why would you want to have a bunch of people, watch it and see how funny those roasts are.

[461] Yeah, pull those clips down, you fuck.

[462] Get them down, you guys.

[463] So you can advertise the X -Body spray.

[464] Yeah, what are they...

[465] Is it what it is?

[466] Yeah, and they want you to subscribe to film on cable and stuff.

[467] But they probably have them on somewhere on their website deep under commercials.

[468] It's so archaic that we're thinking.

[469] It's so dumb.

[470] They don't understand that, yeah, the more people that would watch those videos, the more people would watch those roast.

[471] It's that simple.

[472] Yeah.

[473] If 100 million people watch the video, I'm like, oh my God, this is awesome.

[474] And then another roast is coming on.

[475] Boom, they're going to want to watch it.

[476] Right.

[477] It's this weird thinking that you don't want anything good to be available for free online.

[478] Yeah.

[479] Fucking silly assholes.

[480] How much do you spend in advertising to have fucking tied all over, you know, commercials all over sitcoms?

[481] And yet they're not willing to let things be free online.

[482] Do you not understand that's the same thing?

[483] And this one you don't have to pay for, you crazy assholes?

[484] All right.

[485] Here is a clip of it.

[486] Are you sure?

[487] Yeah.

[488] Where you turn Girls who are just making out with each other What do you do I don't know what that is That's you having the other podcast going on The background That was Sam Tripley's voice That hurts everybody's feelings It doesn't hurt no Every week it's happens It's impossible for him to not do this Fucked up Everything's wonky No matter what He can't Every audio clip It's part of the charm of the show You gotta accept it It's perfect and it's imperfection And it's imperfection There you are Hey look at you Nice dream What a sweet lady.

[489] One of the waitresses of the seller made that.

[490] Really?

[491] Oh, wow.

[492] That's cool.

[493] She's a dress manager?

[494] No, I'm asking.

[495] I couldn't understand a fucking word he said.

[496] Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying.

[497] Every time you speak, do you give yourself an erection?

[498] I like the answer.

[499] Hey, hey, Mike, here's something you'll never hear.

[500] Great tattoo.

[501] Oh, shit.

[502] You have a slutty.

[503] lower back tattoo on your face.

[504] Oh my God.

[505] Whether to be scared of it or finish on it.

[506] Oh, my God.

[507] Look at that face.

[508] It's so dark and wrinkly and constantly getting pounded.

[509] It's like Patrice's grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch.

[510] I'm just assuming she raised you.

[511] Oh, shit.

[512] Yikes.

[513] Oh, shit.

[514] Oh, shit.

[515] Oh, shit.

[516] Does that make you feel bad now that Patrice is dead?

[517] No. No, he was proud of me. He was my good friend.

[518] I love Patrice.

[519] And I wanted...

[520] That was hilarious.

[521] I wanted him to think I did a good job, and I know he did.

[522] We hung out, like, at the after party, and I was like, he was proud of me. Oh, you know you did a good job.

[523] Yeah, but I wanted Patrice.

[524] You know, like, it doesn't matter with whatever.

[525] Patrice, when I heard he was going to be on the dais, I was like, oh shit.

[526] That kicked me. into the next year i was like really oh that's cool oh i yeah he's one of my favorite comics i was like shit i can't phone in even a second he'll be like he'll call bullshit yeah he'll call bullshit on everything and anything yeah he was fun he was fun yeah he's just but no i didn't feel bad about anything about anything but that uh that that that that fucking launched you right that comedy central i get recognized at airports and i got a corporate gig like i mean you must I mean, you must be getting a lot more stand -up work now, no?

[527] I'm getting more on the road.

[528] I probably make, like, maybe twice what I was making on the road before.

[529] Oh, that's great right away.

[530] Totally, totally.

[531] How crazy is that?

[532] Look at that, one video.

[533] Isn't it amazing?

[534] It still doesn't seem worth it.

[535] No. Not the roast, but I mean, but just being on the road.

[536] You don't like it?

[537] No. Oh, you know what you got to do?

[538] Yeah, you bring your friends.

[539] That's what I'm doing now.

[540] Yeah, I bring Ari Shafir or Joey Diaz or everybody.

[541] Well, that sounds terrible.

[542] My friends, I'm just kidding.

[543] I love Ari.

[544] You know, it makes such a difference.

[545] Oh, it's a night and day.

[546] It goes from being a chore to being a great time.

[547] But what I also realized, I've always stayed in the shittiest hotels, you know.

[548] But now, now staying a nice hotel.

[549] The road is a whole different experience.

[550] It was like you didn't want to touch the sheets.

[551] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[552] paired with some assholes that thought they should be headlining.

[553] The comedy condo.

[554] I just say no to condos.

[555] Like, that's the only time I use that I'm a girl on the road.

[556] They had you paired in hotel.

[557] rooms?

[558] I've seen in comedy condos, not hotel rooms, but in comedy condos where they don't have doors on the rooms with dudes.

[559] Like I put in my time on the road.

[560] Nobody can say I didn't.

[561] There's a dark days.

[562] Did you ever do the La Jolla Comedy Store?

[563] No. That's the darkest condo on the earth.

[564] Oh, I've heard of that condo.

[565] More uncomfortable post -coital moments have occurred.

[566] You walk in, you feel the uncomfort of road stank.

[567] No. You know, of road hacks and whatever poor lonely fuck allows those road hacks to stick their dick inside of them.

[568] Crabbs nest.

[569] Oh, Jesus.

[570] Yeah, never again.

[571] I can say never again.

[572] No comedy condos.

[573] That's the darkest comedy comedy.

[574] But, yeah, I bring my friend with me now.

[575] The next one is Phoenix.

[576] Phoenix was a dark one, too, the Tempe Improv.

[577] Oh, okay.

[578] That was Joey Diaz's haunt.

[579] Back in the dark days of Joey Diaz, he would pull the fucking shades clothes.

[580] You wouldn't even hear him.

[581] You couldn't call him.

[582] He wouldn't answer his pager.

[583] There was nothing going on with Joey Diaz for hours They'd come out to do a show Looked like a vampire Looking like Bella Lagozy I've been furious I've been in condos where I heard the feature act getting fucked And I was laying there You were getting fucked No I was like trying to sleep Oh you heard him I'm sorry It's like reading some sad book You heard him getting fucked A guy or a girl Guy A guy was fucking a guy?

[584] They never paired two girls together A girl A guy was fuck The feature was fucking A girl like a girl Oh One of the waitresses to be specific Were they allowed?

[585] Oh, I think so were they allowed?

[586] I was like, yeah, I gave them my blessing.

[587] Enjoy you guys.

[588] Go for it.

[589] Did you guys like my new opener?

[590] Oh, never mind.

[591] Yeah, it was awful.

[592] And then, yeah.

[593] Was it loud?

[594] It was loud.

[595] I felt like it was his way of saying like, I'm the headliner.

[596] Really?

[597] That's hilarious.

[598] You felt like that?

[599] I did.

[600] I mean, that could have all been.

[601] Women are so funny.

[602] Like, even just a guy getting laid will be like a message.

[603] I felt like he was sending me a message.

[604] He was just trying to get laid.

[605] That is the, why would you assume that the thing that men want more than anything else in life is to get late?

[606] Why would you assume that him getting laid would be anything other than him getting laid?

[607] I think male comics egos are bigger than like their cocks for sure.

[608] For sure.

[609] So I think it would be more like.

[610] And this waitress, no one under any circumstances would have wanted to bang this girl.

[611] I think it would be more like, hey, I'm being loud because I want you to know that if you want to join us, you can't.

[612] Could be a little of that.

[613] Second of all, you say that, but the guy was fucking her, and I'm sure he wasn't the first.

[614] See, even though...

[615] No, she was not a virgin.

[616] Yeah, even though, like, you would say girls, like, not really pretty, just willing for a lot of guys.

[617] That'll do it.

[618] That does the trick.

[619] Okay.

[620] We're pathetic.

[621] Pathetic creatures.

[622] I don't know.

[623] Oh, yeah.

[624] You don't understand what it's like to have a dick.

[625] I don't.

[626] You know, talk to Chas Bono, because she's starting to make sense now.

[627] Give that lady a ring.

[628] They've been shooting her up with testosterone.

[629] She's totally making sense.

[630] sense these days.

[631] Yeah, she could like really talk about that shit now.

[632] Well, it's fascinating because she really has gone from both extremes or he now.

[633] Yeah.

[634] You know, I mean, talking about like what's, what's annoying and then the sexual urges that come on because of testosterone.

[635] Yeah.

[636] Men go blank.

[637] They get sad.

[638] They don't know.

[639] They don't know.

[640] Like, they don't know.

[641] Like, I've dated guys and I've been the one in a couple relationships where I was always initiating sex.

[642] Oh.

[643] You know, I feel like, I feel super charged on my own.

[644] Yeah.

[645] I don't have a dick, so I'm not like, it's not brushing up against stuff by accident.

[646] I'm getting psyched.

[647] But I don't know.

[648] I don't know.

[649] I feel driven by sex, too.

[650] You think you're driven by success, like, to get sex?

[651] No, no. I'm not driven by success.

[652] I feel like sexually driven, like, a lot of the time.

[653] Right.

[654] What I was saying is that if a guy, like, is getting laid, most likely that's, he's just getting laid.

[655] Like, Occam's razor, you would.

[656] You know, but you would think that they were trying to send a message to you.

[657] I'm not that much of a narcissist.

[658] He was, like, saying, I'm the headliner.

[659] He was, like, very, everything he did that weekend was really annoying.

[660] Like, he was trying to, he would, like, take his coffee on stage and do a lot of crowd work and just, and then you'd be like, stick around.

[661] You're going to enjoy Amy.

[662] Like, it was, like, so annoying that I, I don't know.

[663] I thought that was extension of it.

[664] What is wrong with, with those things?

[665] Doing a lot of crowd work?

[666] Like, when you're not that headliner?

[667] Oh, I'm sorry.

[668] I thought you said he was the headliner.

[669] No, I was the headliner.

[670] Oh, I was confused.

[671] Because I thought you were saying, by him being loud, it was his way of saying, I'm the headliner.

[672] No, like, he was saying, like, I should be headlining.

[673] Oh, okay.

[674] I feel like he was, like, trying to alpha me all weekend.

[675] Total miscommunication.

[676] Yeah, no. Yeah, oh, I would see that.

[677] I could totally see how, like, middle acts would have a real part time.

[678] Yeah, no, I was there headlining, and he was all weekend trying to assert himself, like in the green room changing the channel and shit.

[679] And I'm just like, please.

[680] I totally makes sense.

[681] I was like, I don't have the energy.

[682] That totally makes sense.

[683] Like, you know, you're just like trying to feel good and be positive and whatever on the road.

[684] So he would like try to put on the TV what he wanted to watch?

[685] Like you were watching something else?

[686] Yeah, he'd be like big baseball game.

[687] I was just like, oh.

[688] Oh, really?

[689] Yeah, and I don't want to get into like a, yeah, into like an ego battle.

[690] But I fucking will.

[691] Dudes don't like working for women.

[692] That's for sure.

[693] You know, and especially like egocentric comedians.

[694] I try to be sensitive to that shit, though.

[695] Yeah.

[696] You know?

[697] I just want to be treated like you would treat.

[698] But I definitely get treated differently expectation -wise on the road.

[699] Like, because I'm a girl.

[700] They'll think there's some expectation, like, not necessarily that I'm going to hook up with them, but that I'm a girl, so they'll, like, come in the green room, like, this past weekend, this guy was talking to me, like, just letting me know, like, hi, I'm from here.

[701] And I was like, mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

[702] Like, would you do that to a tell?

[703] Would you do, like, would you come in the green room and try and.

[704] like paint your picture and give me your bio and like how is he doing this do you see you feel like when a guy does this he does this like he doesn't like respect you as much as you would a male comic like i would like to be treated like a comic like you would treat the headlining comic while i'm on the road right um but they treat me like a like a girl and and guys are confused like how they usually are with chicks that's how they treat me but i think i should first be treated like the headliner that weekend just speaking to me like I'm working with you rather than like throwing me any shit and you're not even trying to like dominate them you just don't want them trying to dominate you you don't want them just getting weird with you yeah I just want them to treat me like normally and like they would treat any comedian because there's some comics that like won't even share a green room with with the middle and the opening act like they'll it might get to that point just because of how much like bullshit we've had problems in the past with guys that we didn't know.

[705] When we did that Maxim comedy tour, I remember we kicked that guy out in Boston.

[706] There was a guy who was just like, just super douchey.

[707] Talking shit about everybody while they're on stage, talking shit about me, got really, really drunk.

[708] He was just a creepy asshole.

[709] Yeah.

[710] And he was, you know, what we did, we had like an open, I don't remember what town was it.

[711] I'm saying Boston, but it might not have been Boston.

[712] Seems like it would be.

[713] Yeah.

[714] It adds up.

[715] It might not have been, though.

[716] I don't remember.

[717] Because I don't remember the guy's name, but it was one of those things where there was in each town they had a different opener a local guy would come up and most of them were fucking really good Tom Segura was hilarious that's where I met Tom he opened up in Phoenix anyway this dude just got hammered and it was just and I said to Brian I think I said to you I said this is the last time I'm going to work with someone I don't know it's not worth it you should just bring some too much of a gamble I'm not rolling like that yo I can't pay for two people so it's like the club you know you can work out deals with clubs, you know, especially with Amy Shewin, you need a goddamn podcast.

[718] That's what you need.

[719] Yeah, you do.

[720] That's what you need.

[721] This is the number one promotional tool for a stand -up comic because they're really going to get to know you.

[722] How else besides this kind of format, how the fuck else does anybody get to totally get to know you?

[723] Exactly.

[724] I just want, I think I just want people to get to know me that I want to get to know me. Really?

[725] But what about your stand -up?

[726] My stand -up is becoming more and more me, but it's just sort of an amplified version that whatever truth I want to get out there.

[727] So, no, you're, I mean, that's not true.

[728] You're right.

[729] But you do TV shows and stuff, right?

[730] Yeah, no, I do.

[731] And that's sort of to promote the comedy as well, right?

[732] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[733] So, but in terms of people really knowing me and, like, my personal shit?

[734] No, they don't have to know your personal shit.

[735] You reveal what you want to do.

[736] I know what you're talking about, like, TNZ, weird and National Enquirer type shit, like, get into your personal life.

[737] Or if you're one of those weird people that offers up every little single detail.

[738] Yeah.

[739] No, I understand what you were saying.

[740] Yeah, that would make sense.

[741] I feel like really intimidated by the like all this technology shit here and like I don't even know how I would the first step of starting a podcast.

[742] You just talk to that guy.

[743] I don't want to ever see Brian again.

[744] Oh, I'm sorry.

[745] Are you living in New York City?

[746] Yeah.

[747] How often are you in L .A.?

[748] Almost never.

[749] Oh, really?

[750] You need to be to L .A. Are you going to move out here?

[751] Check this out.

[752] 75 degrees.

[753] Come on, this weather.

[754] Seventy five degrees.

[755] What's up?

[756] You can have space, a yard and you want a yard and dogs and puppies?

[757] You know what?

[758] If I, like, had a dude that I loved and, like, we had a rabbit farm and...

[759] I'm hearing Blue Bayou by you by Olivia Newton -John or Linda Ronstadt, whatever.

[760] That's what I'm hearing in the background, why you're telling me that?

[761] I don't know those songs, but that sounds good.

[762] You don't know Linda Ronstadt?

[763] No, I don't know, Blue by You.

[764] Beautiful song.

[765] Well, yeah, I just...

[766] I would live here if I had, like, a fam.

[767] Find Linda Ronstat, Blue Bayou for her.

[768] Because I want to hear this story.

[769] I want to hear...

[770] You're going to belittle of my dreams, right?

[771] No, I'm not going to belittle your dreams.

[772] I just want a little background music to your dreams.

[773] This is so cold, flooded.

[774] Do you have it, Brian?

[775] Yeah.

[776] Just hit it real quick.

[777] And I want you to tell me. You're a horrible person.

[778] I want you to tell me what the right relationship would be that would make you want to.

[779] Brian, don't fuck with it, man. Stop.

[780] Brian, please don't fuck with my dreams right now.

[781] This is a beautiful voice.

[782] But it's a little sad.

[783] since I left my baby behind.

[784] Oh, I know this song.

[785] It's so sad.

[786] It's very sad.

[787] So tell me. I just want a guy who listens and has a huge rod.

[788] Knows when to tell me to shut the fuck up.

[789] Yeah.

[790] And when to tell me that my mom's a cunt.

[791] So far, I like what you're saying.

[792] Can you get that camera out of my face?

[793] Are you insane?

[794] Brian, fuck.

[795] Oh my god wait I thought it was like blue by you like we buy you like oh okay okay I thought you were saying blue by you Yeah I don't I don't want to do this anymore You want to do this anymore yeah it's dark it's dark what is what is the long what's the longest time you've ever stayed in Los Angeles A couple months yeah I like coming on here for a couple months like if I'm working on something Do you find that it's because your friends are all back east or all my friends moved here?

[796] Oh they I don't have any friends in New York.

[797] Really?

[798] Get the fuck out of New York.

[799] What's wrong with you?

[800] Well, I have like two friends, but that's enough.

[801] What is it that you love so much about New York?

[802] Okay.

[803] The pizza pies.

[804] Is that what I sound like, Brian?

[805] That you fucking sound anything like her.

[806] You might be the worst impressionist to ever walk the face of the earth.

[807] He's all psyched from Will Seth.

[808] The pizza.

[809] Oh, Brian.

[810] Let me. Dude, I'm telling you.

[811] I'm the next friend, Kellian.

[812] Listen to my Amy Schummer.

[813] It's fucking on point.

[814] Oh my God.

[815] It's like hearing myself.

[816] I, uh...

[817] Fucking Empire State Billing, man. So what is it?

[818] Excuse me, Brian.

[819] Don't mock her.

[820] A wonderful and talented guest.

[821] Just because she's clearly, clearly too much for you to handle.

[822] At the beginning of the show, she was making you a better person.

[823] You've gone through a full relationship cycle.

[824] And now you've become the bitter guy at the end of every relationship that mocks his girlfriend and she's packing her shit.

[825] I just don't get New York.

[826] I'm sorry.

[827] I just don't get...

[828] You know that moment?

[829] That seems like the scary to me. That moment in a relationship.

[830] where you're packing up and he's mocking you you know he's like saying like mocking shit you know i haven't had that i would flip the fuck out would you yeah well this is happening right now this is that moment you've gone a full relationship cycle in the course of your show yeah brian's like oh okay you're leaving okay he's like yeah well i just have a fucking problem with people like new york you know it's all in the beginning in the beginning when you first met you if you were like i love i i really love new york but i thought i'm moving there's pretty amazing you know the time square how do you fuck with that now he's like totally over for me. He's like, fuck New York.

[831] Fuck you.

[832] Whatever.

[833] You guys have gone through a full relationship cycle.

[834] Brian, God damn.

[835] Let the girl like New York, bro.

[836] I don't see why you're so creepy about that.

[837] Yeah, like, I like it there.

[838] You know, because I feel like people in L .A., a lot of them are playing at an identity.

[839] Whereas people in New York, like, if there's like an old, rich, mean Jewish chick on the Upper East Side, like, that's really who she is.

[840] Right.

[841] People here are like buy an outfit and they're like, this is who I, like, you know, not everybody.

[842] My best friends live out here and they're not like that, but I don't know.

[843] I know what you're saying.

[844] The vast majority of people that you encounter, the higher percentage of them are more fucked up.

[845] Yeah, and I'm like, angri going into any restaurant.

[846] Like everyone's looking around and everybody.

[847] It's just a totally different vibe.

[848] It's, I don't think it's all of the people.

[849] It's just like, you know, when I say about cops, like most cops are cool as fuck.

[850] The cops that I run into Most cops are good guys That are you know working a really tough job But there's a certain percentage Whatever it is 1 or 2 % 10 % You make the number up Or they're just fucking cunts They're just cunts But they would be cunts if they were construction workers They would be cunts if they worked at the grocery store They're just shitty human beings But don't you think the percentage for L .A. is more Well it's because of the fact that this is a magnet For people that want showbiz fame That's what it is I mean You know many people that come here with a not a real dream but like oh I wish you know and it's like they don't do anything about it right but they came here initially to become famous you'll meet them at flower stores you'll meet them and this weird people like I don't like those people and I have like a weird my like what I want from this stuff is I'm confused by it because getting recognized and all that stuff is not I have an experience that as being fun I like I've gotten upgraded sometimes you know like there's perks but I like anonymity in New York no one gives a shit if you are the most famous person I feel like you can ride around the subway and people generally leave you alone I just because nobody gives a shit there I don't know I just like it more there so you think people give a shit there less than they give a shit here that's I do so that's what you want more people who just don't give a shit about being famous yeah or about seeing someone famous or and it's weird because it's like I want to to reach as many people as I can like that's the goal but I don't like like I don't like hey you're right I see what you're saying but you're going to get that anywhere you're going to get that in New York City you're going to get that anywhere it feels like you become I hear what you're saying well if you if you've lived there for a long time and yeah the one thing that I definitely got when I first came here I was going to totally move back to New York after my first sitcom was canceled because I didn't like the vibe out here at all and I was it was my first time ever of working with actors ever in my whole life I did this really bad sitcom on Fox called hardball was written by these two guys that were brilliant writers they worked for the simpsons and married with children but then fox got a hold of their sitcom and just fucked it just stuck cocks in it and just fucking came all over its face shut up they shot up it's eye sockets and fucked its ears it just really just it was like when the the the brilliant vision that they had yeah jeff martin and kevin kern were the guys uh the brilliant vision that they had became like just this thing that had been fucked to death was covered in calm like a glazed donut I always tell everybody this is because no one can believe how bad it was these guys first of all the guys who originally wrote it were really funny they were really funny and the pilot was funny it could have been funny it could have been a decent show but when they gave it to some guy used to work on coach and he was like you know one of those and then I said this what are you know those fucking robot shows where it's like you could just program it into a computer yeah yeah and it would be real easy to make that show and one of the lines was I was on a desk with this girl and I like we're about to have sex and the coach opens up the door and I go do you mind and he goes yes I mind that's no that's my daughter you're attempting to that's my desk you're attempting to defile yeah that's what defiling the desk I'm defiling her that was actually a line and they were like approved that was like yes done moving on to the next line like that was we actually said that with the cameras on you know that's how bad the show had gotten it was it was death so I was ready to pack up but I fucked up and got a lease because I thought this sitcom was going to go yeah so I had a lease for a year and I still had a department in New York but I was like what the fuck am I going to do now and I just like leave this spot out here and then I wound up doing another sitcom afterwards but I was ready to go and it was my my thing was just dealing with actors it was just dealing with the they're so delusional I really like New York actors well all of them though you know I mean I'm sure if you it's like like cops and everything else most actors I think are fine but it might be like 30 % of them that you just fucking can't communicate with yeah but I've found that it was the same essentially in New York as it was in LA I just think there's a breed Well, it's, they're hitting the hive.

[851] The way girls dress for auditions is different.

[852] Like, I always look like shit.

[853] I look like newly homeless.

[854] I walk in the room.

[855] They, like, are looking at me like, is she here to park cars?

[856] And they're all, like, perfectly flawless.

[857] They dress cool.

[858] And I get to be, like, non -threatening girl they all talk to in the waiting room.

[859] But in New York, it's like, I look like the other kids.

[860] Non -threatening girl that they all talk to in the way.

[861] They're like, do you know where everyone asks me questions?

[862] Like, do you know where the bathroom is?

[863] I think they think I'm working there.

[864] The level of, like, kept.

[865] beauty up here is very, very high.

[866] It's intense.

[867] Like when you go to nice places and you see girls and they'll have perfect toes and expensive shoes and expensive bags.

[868] Yeah, they look famous.

[869] There's like a glow.

[870] Yeah.

[871] There's a lot of girls in L .A. that are hot as fuck that look like that.

[872] And that's one of the things about the commodity of like, you know, if you're all you're selling is what you look like, good fucking luck.

[873] Good luck out here.

[874] Because that's worth a nickel.

[875] And we age.

[876] Yeah.

[877] Yeah.

[878] You got 10 years ready.

[879] Go.

[880] The clock is ticket, sweetheart.

[881] You better.

[882] That's all you're selling.

[883] Meet that guy.

[884] Have you frozen your eggs yet?

[885] Have you frozen your eggs yet?

[886] Yeah, my eggs are frozen.

[887] All of them.

[888] Not all of them.

[889] You've got to save a few.

[890] Really?

[891] For live rounds.

[892] Oh, it's too late.

[893] I'll thaw them out.

[894] But just the idea is that in case, you know, you wait too long and then your box is dry.

[895] Yeah.

[896] You know, this way you'll have a few.

[897] You can't just loop up your eggs.

[898] No, there's no eggs left.

[899] They all fall out.

[900] Oh, you fall out of your body.

[901] So you got to suck them out early and freeze them.

[902] Hold on.

[903] Let me write this down, you guys.

[904] Did you know there's reproductive advice from.

[905] Joe and Bride Technical terms Like suck out those eggs Do you know girls out here Actually store their body fat also To be used later as For fillers Injections in their face Yeah Does that look good?

[906] No Why doesn't everybody stop doing that?

[907] Don't do anything with your lips ever Yeah It's unfortunate that someone tricked girls in the fucking with their lips The same way they did with their tits Because the tits worked Because guys really don't care When a girl has fake tits even though we know that there's like a bag of water under the skin that's making them pop out like that we're so fucking stupid that any movement and change in the direction and teeth you like this shape better it's like a Egyptian hieroglyph thing it's like for whatever it is it's the shape of the woman's body even though you know it's horseshit but that is out the door with the lips when it comes to the lips though we don't like that you can't apply the same principles to tits as you can to lips and that's what they try to do They tried to make the lips crazy and puffed up thinking everybody's just going to go with it the way they go with tits, but they didn't.

[908] They went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is lips.

[909] You can't do lips the way you do tits.

[910] You can do tits all crazy and outrageous and guys like, what's up, ladies, how you doing?

[911] But you get all fish face on dudes and they get creeped out, right?

[912] There's something about the lips.

[913] Yeah.

[914] I saw a chick at the gym the other day.

[915] She was blow drying her hair.

[916] She was like, not elderly, but she was getting up there.

[917] And she clearly had implants and they were, they had just like the, you know, the elistice.

[918] of her skin wasn't holding up so the implants had kind of fallen so her nipples were up top and her rocks in a sock I was just I couldn't stop looking I was just like and she was just blood drying her hair like naked like oh check it out maybe it was her way of warning maybe maybe this girl should just like to take on rugged lesbians and it's like a fad and the only way to find them is just got to let those rocks hang out in the bathroom yeah just a girl just looks like she's had a hard life and she's fucking she's you know I mean, that's like a, there's, guy, there's fetishes.

[919] People are into weird shit.

[920] That's true.

[921] Maybe there's some lesbians that are only into running into girls that have had hard lives.

[922] And so they're like, you know, the tits are all hang out, fucked up scars and shit.

[923] And they look at you like, what's up?

[924] And the next thing, you know, you're eating box in the handicaps stall.

[925] You're eating somebody's pussy with no arms?

[926] Okay.

[927] Not, it's not no arms, but like horrible implants, like rock implants.

[928] I just, I don't know.

[929] I wouldn't want anything fake on anybody.

[930] Yeah, it is a weird thing that died, not just became accepted, but fucking shut up.

[931] Yeah, but I've seen girls that have got them like they they had babies and then their boobies got all dehydrated You know they like became pancake boobies and then they got their breast implants and they felt better Okay, yeah, I mean, whatever it's it's no judgment just like it does make it look better I know even it's it's stupid it doesn't seem like it should make sense but it totally works it's a trick it's like the dumbest magic trick of all time It's a mirage ready what's under my shirt who knows I know what's under there it's a bag of water you asshole but meanwhile I'm like oh I look like big real tities because big real tities to a man just that's the shape of it that is on a mud flap you know gets our testicles to tingle it doesn't have to be actually real it's like a symbol it's so it's so iconic in the man's mind this is how this is the man's mind this isn't just your mind like from talking to people like guys feel like this by the way first of all there's no way I could know if it's in everybody's right but it sounds like you talk to other people about it yeah yeah for dudes well i think that's why fake tits work that's that's why i mean that shape the hourglass shape of a woman there's a reason why that is like an iconic shape the hourglass shape whereas like for a man i mean women like guys with nice bodies but is there there's no like shape that you could like put up that represents a man's body to a woman i think every woman is really is a different taste in men's bodies but i think for dudes it's pretty much all that classic hourglass big tits shape that's on the back.

[932] Some guys like waifs, though.

[933] Those guys are broken.

[934] They're broken.

[935] They have broken balls or one of them doesn't work right.

[936] Well, of course, I want to hear that.

[937] Of course.

[938] Like, the chick that was, that's on Sports Illustrated, like, I love her body.

[939] Who's that?

[940] Is that Kate Upton?

[941] Kate Upton is a hero on our message board.

[942] I'm psyched.

[943] Like, she has a body.

[944] It's like, yeah.

[945] She's hot as fuck.

[946] Whenever there's a thread on the message board for one of our podcast, if the podcast goes astray and the subject of the podcast becomes something that they're not interested in at all they just start posting Kate Upton pictures.

[947] That's smart.

[948] It's all Kate Upton.

[949] It's hilarious, man. It's really funny.

[950] So if like a guest like says something stupid or they don't want to listen to them anymore, it just becomes a Kate Upton photo festival.

[951] She's hot as fuck.

[952] She is.

[953] And she has like a, you know, she's not like a boy.

[954] She's got to me. I don't like skinny girls.

[955] I mean, I like them.

[956] We can be friends.

[957] But I'm saying, you know, I don't find that attractive.

[958] right everybody's different some chicks like black guys right right a lot of black guys like fat white girls right a lot of a lot of white guys like chinese girls everybody's allowed to what you're allowed to like your waifs like whatever you want i saw something today that reminded me of one thing i definitely don't like and that's flat asses man flat man asses would you see what i think you saw i saw somebody stalking something at a store that i was at and i was like i just sat there and saw her butt you were like a linens and things did you see someone who was on their balcony who was naked who paparazzi took photographs of no okay because that's ariani from the ufc paparazzi took photographs of her oh really yeah they were on her balcony she was on her balcony naked and uh they were like you know from a long way away with a high powered lens right and they took pictures of her naked and put them all over the internet are you serious that sucks yeah what made you what's what why how did that come up out of because some guys were saying that she had oh her buttocks were less than impressive wow she's a beautiful girl but you know Look, guys have to realize there's a big difference to what girls' ass normally looks like, and a girl's ass looks like when she's posing for photos.

[959] Right.

[960] When chicks are just walking around like dudes, like naked, they don't even know the people are watching, you know, they don't.

[961] I don't know.

[962] I think your ass is your ass is fine.

[963] Pucker their ass.

[964] Her ass is fine.

[965] This was actually, imagine a 12 -year -old boy's ass.

[966] Who is this?

[967] Talks lower.

[968] This person that was stalking something at the store was at.

[969] I just had to sit there and stare at her.

[970] I just had to sit there and say.

[971] What store?

[972] You get this person, listen to what you just said.

[973] This person that was stalking something at the store.

[974] What are you saying?

[975] I thought it was a young boy stocking it.

[976] That's how bad her ass was.

[977] So I sat there and just kept on staring at.

[978] There was no ass at all.

[979] Like, you know, who are you talking about?

[980] Just a woman, random woman?

[981] Man, she's just like trying to bring you your latte.

[982] I know.

[983] Who is it?

[984] Who are you talking about?

[985] This chick at Starbucks.

[986] No, he's talking about someone who's in the audience.

[987] Someone is buying something at Starbucks.

[988] No, no. I'm talking about an employee stocking something.

[989] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[990] Jesus Christ.

[991] Oh, Jesus, Brian.

[992] I've said it four times.

[993] No, you said stalking.

[994] I thought you said stalking.

[995] You knew what I meant.

[996] I didn't know you meant stalking items like on a shelf.

[997] Yeah.

[998] I'm like, what is he talking about?

[999] The employee was stalking someone?

[1000] What the fuck?

[1001] And you're watching him stalked them and they have a flat ass.

[1002] What kind of crazy conversation is it?

[1003] There's no excuse.

[1004] It was like one of those Spanish things where you know, you say the wrong word and they want to shoot you.

[1005] No, no, no, braino.

[1006] Does that happen a lot?

[1007] No. But if you know what I'm saying, you think you know the language, but you use the word.

[1008] This led to one of those fucking Yeah that was like Abba and Costello Yeah it was it was it was it was on first So this person has a small ass Yeah it was it was not only was it flat It was like one of those indented asses but it was so small You're mad at this chick's ass Well that that right there I don't know if I could date her Because to me it looks like a deformation Like I see her and I'm like This would hurt me less if I haven't seen your ass but I've seen your ass.

[1009] Oh, my ass is horrible.

[1010] Everyone's a critic no matter what their ass looks like.

[1011] His ass is horrific.

[1012] There's no way he should be talking about anybody's ass ever.

[1013] Maybe that's why he's so upset because it's something that he sees in himself.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] It's something that sees him.

[1016] It's like a mirror.

[1017] It's like a man in the mirror, Michael Jackson.

[1018] I'm looking at the man being a little bit.

[1019] That's it.

[1020] That is what it is, Brian.

[1021] You just, we learned a lot about ourselves today.

[1022] We're getting somewhere.

[1023] Actually, I've been told by many of my ex -girlvers.

[1024] Amy Schumer move here and do our podcast.

[1025] Podcasts on a permanent basis, please.

[1026] Yeah, you should.

[1027] You can live here.

[1028] You can live in a studio.

[1029] We can make you famous.

[1030] Okay.

[1031] You're a monster.

[1032] You're hilarious.

[1033] Thank you.

[1034] I'm going to move here, you guys.

[1035] You were throwing it out as a hypothetical.

[1036] I'm going to show up tomorrow with my bags.

[1037] That's fine.

[1038] I'm not throwing it out as a hypothetical.

[1039] I'm totally serious.

[1040] We'll have you on every week.

[1041] You got a couch.

[1042] You got a bathroom for number ones.

[1043] Do you think that they'll let me do guest spots at the ice house?

[1044] Every day.

[1045] I think, you know what?

[1046] Every radio show that's ever existed, they always try to stick a woman on the show.

[1047] They goes, oh, we need to balance it out.

[1048] We're going to balance it out.

[1049] And men resist, like Opie and Anthony call them holes.

[1050] Yeah, I love those guys.

[1051] Those guys are awesome.

[1052] They're right, they're right.

[1053] But you are different.

[1054] Thank you.

[1055] You actually would bring a funny female perspective to a podcast.

[1056] You should totally be doing one.

[1057] Thank you.

[1058] You can be welcome.

[1059] I know what you mean, though.

[1060] It's like they're like, okay, let's find the least unbearable girl and hope she knows when to not talk.

[1061] Well, it's usually she's hot and, you know, she's sassy.

[1062] You know, she can hang with the guys.

[1063] Yeah.

[1064] And we can call it your stepmom's house.

[1065] Is that like an inside joke?

[1066] Yeah, Tom Siger and his wife, Christina Zizki, they have one called your mom's house.

[1067] Oh, okay.

[1068] It's a joke.

[1069] It's totally a joke.

[1070] Guys, include me in all jokes from now on.

[1071] So sorry.

[1072] So sorry.

[1073] Okay, all right, I'm going to move out here.

[1074] All right.

[1075] I'm moving out here, you guys.

[1076] You are?

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] That's all it took.

[1079] That's all it took.

[1080] Listen, you don't want to be in the snow.

[1081] Wow, I just sold out on New York.

[1082] Old weather and shit.

[1083] You can always visit.

[1084] I have no friends.

[1085] Medical marijuana.

[1086] Oh, that's right.

[1087] Medical marijuana.

[1088] And you have your own podcast show.

[1089] Have I, what?

[1090] Have you been to the stores yet?

[1091] I've never been into the store.

[1092] We're going to take you right after we leave here.

[1093] We're going to take you right into a medical marijuana store.

[1094] Really?

[1095] Yes.

[1096] I'd love to.

[1097] Yes.

[1098] That's what we're going to do.

[1099] As soon as we leave here, we're going to take you right to.

[1100] I like this pot, by the way.

[1101] Dude, this is, we know the guy who makes this.

[1102] You don't even have to worry about terrorism.

[1103] We know the guy who actually grows this.

[1104] You can say, maybe my weed is support Mexican gangs.

[1105] Maybe my weed.

[1106] We don't have to worry about this weed Because this week is 100 % Not created by bad people.

[1107] Good.

[1108] Thank you.

[1109] You guys are such good hosts.

[1110] Am I supposed to do it off camera?

[1111] I'll put it on my face.

[1112] If you do it on camera, though, it's really bad for your career.

[1113] What was it?

[1114] A .B. Schumer, do you want to join the Death Squad?

[1115] That sounds good.

[1116] All right, so your stepmom's house is going to be you and Natasha Lagero.

[1117] No, I'm just kidding.

[1118] That's another inside joke.

[1119] Our friend Duncan used to date Natasha Legerro and then they broke up.

[1120] I love her.

[1121] I don't know Duncan.

[1122] You love him more, though?

[1123] I don't know Duncan.

[1124] Like, what's up?

[1125] You know what I'm saying?

[1126] He's a free man. I don't know him.

[1127] But what's up?

[1128] If he could pay my bills, I don't.

[1129] I bet he can help you.

[1130] You know, he can help you a little.

[1131] He can help you get ahead.

[1132] I'm willing.

[1133] I just heard Natasha on Adam Carolla.

[1134] It was really funny.

[1135] She's very funny.

[1136] And I'm glad that Duncan in her.

[1137] are cool with yeah they're gonna be friends don't feel like you have to pick team dunk right away like they're gonna be friends right away totally amicable I think it's great to not see your ex because they're both adults you fucking child no but if you still have feelings for somebody the problem is you want to fuck them again yeah you want to fuck them again so just don't see them especially when you haven't seen them in a while yeah becomes a problem god damn it yeah you know what the human body is a strange fucking thing you know when you when you had moments with someone And then all of a sudden, you're in front of them again, and especially when no one's around, you know, if you like, you know, you, just for whatever strange reason, just run into them somewhere.

[1138] And all of a sudden, you're standing face to face and you want to give them a hug.

[1139] And so then you do.

[1140] And then you got to think, now what's up?

[1141] We broke up for a reason.

[1142] But the chemicals in your body are like, put something in your body.

[1143] Get in there.

[1144] Get in there.

[1145] Remember when we used to fuck her?

[1146] Yeah, your penis starts going.

[1147] We used to fuck her, right?

[1148] Hey, we could do it again.

[1149] I remember this.

[1150] It's fun, right?

[1151] I thought it was fine, too.

[1152] Brian Cowan.

[1153] And then if you just keep doing that over and over again, you'll never get out of relationships.

[1154] Yeah.

[1155] So my thing is don't talk, don't be at the same place.

[1156] I've had buddies that will break up with the same girl six, seven times because they will always get together and fucking.

[1157] The fucking is so good.

[1158] And they just.

[1159] Because it feels like home and you're like happy to not be fucking a stranger on the road.

[1160] Happy to not be fucking a stranger.

[1161] And then on top of it, it's, well, it's not even that.

[1162] It's this weird thing that happens when you break up and then you make up.

[1163] Like the makeup is like, it's really intense.

[1164] Especially if you're convinced.

[1165] Vince that you're never going to make up.

[1166] Like if you've insulted each other or said crazy shit to each other, you know, and then people get in like patterns, like, and you could recognize those patterns when you start dating someone because they'll try to pull that shit on you, you know, they'll, like, insult you and they'll say something creepy to you, and you're like, whoa, what the fuck is this?

[1167] It came out of nowhere.

[1168] What came out of nowhere?

[1169] Because that's just how they rock it.

[1170] Like every relationship they get in, it's like starts off real good, get real close to each other, and then get fucking nasty with each other, and then recover.

[1171] And then recover I only had one relationship Where we got nasty to each other Since then it's been like pretty smooth sailing In and out That is the worst There's no darker feeling than someone who you used to like tell I love you and used to make out with them And you used to you know you have sex with them And then all sudden you're like yelling at each other And angry words And they're saying insulting shit to you You can't take back You're like whoa I only had one like that It's been okay since then I don't I refuse to participate in that shit I haven't had a relationship like that since I was in my 20s and when I went the last one that did happen I clearly remember like saying all right this is never going to happen again I can never allow myself to get in this sort of a situation where every time I'm around this person there's some sort of like argument or debate or jockeying for position you know there's a weird jockeying of power sometimes that goes on in some combinations of relationships you know it's like you maybe you your confidence triggers the weirdest parts of some guy.

[1172] You know, have you ever had that happen where, like, the guy is probably pretty cool with a lot of people, but then he gets a rough.

[1173] Only once.

[1174] I gotta think, like, you being a comic and being smart and quick.

[1175] Like, those two, that must be, like, issues with some dudes.

[1176] Guys who aren't comics?

[1177] Do you date guys who aren't comics?

[1178] I've only dated one comic.

[1179] Really?

[1180] Yeah.

[1181] Too fucked up?

[1182] Huh?

[1183] Comics are too fucked up?

[1184] No, I was saying to Brian.

[1185] Like, I don't make.

[1186] statements like that.

[1187] Like I'd love to think like I'll never date a comic again.

[1188] I don't know.

[1189] I don't know.

[1190] It's like it's nice to be with somebody who speaks your language.

[1191] That does help but do you want to date someone as fucked up as you really?

[1192] I don't think I've met somebody as fucked up as it's just seems like what it's just like you always have to follow you fuck with somebody you work with you're going to pay in the end you know?

[1193] Sometimes.

[1194] Comedy clubs is like working out of place.

[1195] Yeah.

[1196] Sometimes.

[1197] You know you're on stage doing your shit and you're like kind of doing your not persona.

[1198] but whatever like the show you do on stage and then but then like seeing somebody that makes you so vulnerable and you can't you can't like you know in good conscience keep up that facade when you're like you know you just want to go home and cry damn sucks I've only dated one like abusive crazy crazy asshole and yeah I really I was like I'll never do this again I never did but we brought out the worst was it your first black guy I'm yet to go to the dark side that's my New Year's resolution though I feel like that I I hope that I a black guy this year.

[1199] Wow.

[1200] I just make that happen.

[1201] I know.

[1202] I know.

[1203] It could happen.

[1204] I'm professional.

[1205] But it's just like, I don't know.

[1206] I feel racist that I've never been with a black guy.

[1207] why I asked my therapist.

[1208] I'm like, does that make me racist?

[1209] And she's like, but I think she was just trying to make me feel like.

[1210] There's this guy that Joe wants you to hook you up.

[1211] His name is Rampage.

[1212] He's a really nice guy.

[1213] Sounds great.

[1214] That's my favorite video game.

[1215] He wears a chain while you fuck, but you could probably wear a chest protector and you'd be fine for most.

[1216] That's what I want.

[1217] I want, like, a brother.

[1218] Like, I want to feel his ankle bracelet when we're fucking.

[1219] We need, like, a ton of lube, but just for his elbows.

[1220] No, I'm kidding.

[1221] Coconut, no, I'm kidding.

[1222] Coconut lotion or anything that she's called.

[1223] I think it's.

[1224] His elbows.

[1225] I think it's just.

[1226] Went dark, girl.

[1227] You took a chance.

[1228] You went down weird old lane.

[1229] I went down racist lane.

[1230] I'm not, uh, no, I don't, I, like, I really did make that as my New Year's resolution, but I don't know if it's going to happen.

[1231] Yeah, I know people that are comics and only date comics and it never works out.

[1232] It's just, like, not a good idea.

[1233] It's like high school.

[1234] You're at the same show.

[1235] every night.

[1236] Well, not only that, I think it's better in life, in my opinion, to experience things from, when you're close to someone, whether they're friends or whether they're, you know, co -workers or whatever, when you're really close to someone, you're experiencing life when you communicate with them through a different perspective, you know, a completely different perspective.

[1237] So if you're dating someone that has, like, a completely different set of interests and a completely different set of desires, like someone who sees life from, you know, a totally different viewpoint than a performer, Like, you're going to get, you'll, it'll, I think it will broaden your perspective.

[1238] Oh, you do.

[1239] I think you'll give you more perspective.

[1240] Yeah, when you date people that are outside of your line of show business or even any line of work, I would think.

[1241] If you're, you know, you're limited.

[1242] It seems appealing.

[1243] Yeah, if you're like a CEO and you're only date CEO checks and you get together and have some CEO sex.

[1244] Yeah.

[1245] You know, what kind of, creepy little line are you staying on there?

[1246] Yeah.

[1247] Yeah, it started to feel very.

[1248] incestuous like just talking about like oh did you hear what Colin Quinn said tonight like right after we what time we fucked to dice is before the laughter died like by accident and I was just like this is too close to home like when does the work stop and the so no but right now what I'm by the way which is one of the greatest comedy CDs of all time fucking unbelievable we couldn't help a fuck we're so psyched folks you don't know if you don't know this this CD when dice clay was that dice clay by the way wants to do the podcast and I got his number and went to call him.

[1249] He doesn't have a cell phone and he doesn't have a voicemail at home.

[1250] He just has a phone.

[1251] And if you call him, you either get me or you get me. Oh!

[1252] Is that his machine?

[1253] No, he doesn't.

[1254] It doesn't have an answer machine.

[1255] Oh, God.

[1256] If he doesn't answer the phone, that's it.

[1257] You're not talking to him.

[1258] It's so funny.

[1259] I love it.

[1260] I love it.

[1261] That's awesome.

[1262] And when he was huge, when he was at the top of the heap, he put out a CD, a two -CD recording, a double album.

[1263] of him bombing.

[1264] Yes.

[1265] He went to Dangerfields.

[1266] He went to Dangerfields completely unannounced.

[1267] And you've got to understand, folks, when this was happening, when Dice put the CD out, Dice was filling Coliseums.

[1268] Dice Clay was the biggest, most explosive stand -up comedian of all time.

[1269] I always say that.

[1270] There's no guy who had more success.

[1271] And he doesn't get a lot of credit because it was like really juvenile.

[1272] For whatever reason, for some people, it's like not good.

[1273] I'll tell you what.

[1274] I fucking love Dice.

[1275] especially when I was a kid when I was with my girlfriend when I was when we were like 19 18 19 and we were listening to a cassette of Andrew Dice Clay we were fucking howling laughing way before I ever thought I would ever do stand -up comedy but I remember thinking this guy is fucking hilarious he just was going for every single fucking thing just going for it just beyond committing he's a fucking genius and Norton security guy Kenny you know yeah sure sure used to be Dice's guy and the stories that he tells I'm sure.

[1276] It just make you love Dice even more.

[1277] He's fucking crazy.

[1278] So this is what he does.

[1279] He's on top of the world.

[1280] He goes to Dangerfield just shows up and he does an album of him with no material at all.

[1281] Zero.

[1282] He just went up and just talked shit for like two hours.

[1283] Ruined every audience member's life.

[1284] Attacked people.

[1285] I think maybe there were like four people left at the end.

[1286] It was so crazy.

[1287] It was a complete CD of non -comedy.

[1288] And he sold it.

[1289] And there were still some funny moments.

[1290] There was a guy named Mike Donovan, who's like a Boston legend.

[1291] And when I was coming up, he was one of the guys that I really admired.

[1292] And he was crying, laughing, recounting dice doing Nixon while he was eating the girl's ass.

[1293] He's like, he's, he's saying, I'll do Nixon in that ass.

[1294] Pleasure by me too.

[1295] He was doing like his Nixon impression.

[1296] And Mike Donovan was crying tears in the back.

[1297] room of the comedy connection, crying tears, recounting it, talking about how great that CD is.

[1298] I do it.

[1299] Especially for a comic.

[1300] For any up -and -coming comic, man, you must get the day the laughter died.

[1301] You must get that.

[1302] Because at first you start and you like want the crowd to like you.

[1303] And then you get a healthy, like, hatred of the crowd.

[1304] And then an indifference creeps in.

[1305] That's where I am now.

[1306] Just total indifference.

[1307] Well, it's like ugly guys and girls.

[1308] Ugly guys and girls have this thing where they love the girl, but the girl doesn't love them back.

[1309] So every time they see an ugly, a pretty girl, they have this feeling of pain inside of them, that connection with rejection.

[1310] So it's not that the crowd is terrible.

[1311] It's just in the beginning, we're all terrible.

[1312] So we grow to hate the crowd because so many times they've punished us.

[1313] For the truth.

[1314] Yeah.

[1315] For the truth.

[1316] And then we love them, but it's not satisfying enough.

[1317] Well, we have to get good enough to be better than them.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] And to sort of guide them along.

[1320] Right.

[1321] But, and then they're listening.

[1322] Died them along into my comedy journey.

[1323] Oh, God.

[1324] No, I think you, no, I honestly believe that there's a lot of comics that develop this sort of hate for their audience.

[1325] And it's really strange.

[1326] And I think the only thing that makes sense is they connect it with bad feelings.

[1327] They connect their audience with whatever, some reflection of how they've put out, you know, their own energy and their own personality and how people respond to that.

[1328] And then their own material, you know, and if they've had bad sets or if they've, you know, had, like, you know bad things happen in the crowd and they associate that that bad feeling with everyone who comes to see them and so they've developed I've met a lot of old guys that have been in the business for a long time I don't give a fuck with these people want or I'm going to feed them what I do they like it or they don't like it and the show is over all right folks get the fuck out of here and they really do develop that sort of defense mechanism yeah I try to be exactly the opposite I try to I by now I have like when I do shows people come out that know me Like it's my crowd So when it's my crowd It's like it's way easier It's just like We know we're just gonna have fun You know Right I feel like very open When I go out there And like just like when I meet someone Like in life I give them the benefit of the doubt Right And and I'm into it But but I don't I feel like I don't need anything from them Right now where I am I'm not like I'm not like please laugh Or please like me And I'm not like I don't know I don't feel scared at all As an intelligent person when you're involved in this sort of a bizarre line of work, there's self -analysis that comes along with creating new material, and a lot of times you start looking at this weird relationship that you have to this strange group of people.

[1329] I'm seeking their approval, and then I'm doing this, and I'm changing who I am.

[1330] You know, and I mean, there's a weird, like, there's a weird thing that goes back and forth when you're an intelligent person, and you're analyzing anything where you're sort of insisting on the approval of mass amounts of people, which is what your comedy is.

[1331] Totally.

[1332] More so than, like, music.

[1333] Yeah, but like, okay, but before you were saying about being a chick and that it might limit the subject matter you can talk about.

[1334] I did want to say limit.

[1335] What I said is makes it more difficult.

[1336] I think I'm more impressed when a chick can skirt the issues of sex or politics or any position of authority or somebody makes sense.

[1337] Yeah.

[1338] Because guys don't want to hear a girl make sense that they haven't figured out.

[1339] Okay.

[1340] Well, that's like what I, that makes total sense.

[1341] But that's what I feel like I've been doing.

[1342] like on stage about sex stuff, talking about the, like, the female experience.

[1343] And not for the sake of shock and not for the sake of making anybody uncomfortable or, you know, trying to belittle or alienate the dudes.

[1344] It's not like that.

[1345] And I think that I've found a way to, like, make it acceptable for people to digest.

[1346] I bet you have.

[1347] You're smart.

[1348] You can do it.

[1349] It's not impossible, but it's more difficult.

[1350] But in that way, My reason for saying that is like, so I'm paying attention to the experience that the audience is having.

[1351] Like, if they're not laughing and not with me, I'm not going to be like, well, I don't care.

[1352] This is the path I'm on.

[1353] I'm fed by that and I react to it.

[1354] But I just don't feel like, like, you know, I just, I don't know, where I used to.

[1355] If a joke didn't work, I would sort of just tap dance to the next one and be like, maybe this will.

[1356] And that just, you know, that I think just from bombing so hard so many times, the fear leaves you because you've lived out all your fears on stage.

[1357] Yeah.

[1358] Yeah, the moments of deep bombing, though.

[1359] Right now, people are like Kate Upton.

[1360] But it's true.

[1361] The bombing moments are clarity moments.

[1362] Yeah, they're important.

[1363] But I think that that's where people develop the bad relationship with the audience.

[1364] Yeah.

[1365] I think that it's like a guy, an ugly dude with pretty girls.

[1366] Just so used to getting rejected that you'll fuck these bitches.

[1367] Look at all these lesbians.

[1368] It didn't even like my dick.

[1369] What's up?

[1370] Let's go to a strip club.

[1371] Yeah.

[1372] I think it's a natural thing for people.

[1373] I loved your, one of the videos that where you were, how you dealt with a, that, a female heckler.

[1374] You, uh, you were like, I'm not, you just, like, really explain the truth to her.

[1375] Like, I'm not, I think you're like, I'm not your boyfriend or, like, I'm not trying to fuck you.

[1376] Like, you, I'm not going to act like what you're saying is interesting.

[1377] Not that, that's, those were your words, but I learned, but I learned from that.

[1378] I was like, oh, like, the absolute truth is, like, the funniest shit.

[1379] Yeah.

[1380] Like, you, you didn't, like, insult her, whatever.

[1381] You were just, like, here's the situation.

[1382] Yeah.

[1383] I didn't have to.

[1384] I was like, you're not fascinating to me. Yeah.

[1385] there's, I'm not going to pretend like you're interesting, like the guys that want to bang you.

[1386] just shut up.

[1387] We had a woman in Vegas a couple of weeks ago.

[1388] That was in Vegas, too, the one I think you're thinking of, which Vegas, they just go the deepest.

[1389] Because they're usually on meth or ecstasy or something.

[1390] They're all fucked up.

[1391] Yeah, Advil.

[1392] They're on.

[1393] Flying.

[1394] They're flying.

[1395] They're flying.

[1396] Who knows what the fuck they're doing in Vegas.

[1397] There was a girl last time.

[1398] We were there.

[1399] She stood up for like 10 minutes.

[1400] For 10 minutes, she was like standing up in the audience while I destroyed her.

[1401] What was the bizarre?

[1402] I'm totally exaggerating on the 10 minutes.

[1403] It was like 90 seconds.

[1404] And she was just going to the bathroom.

[1405] But now she was standing up for a long time, screaming and yelling at me. She was just crazy.

[1406] She was just pretty.

[1407] And, you know, and she just thought for whatever reason she just could be run in this room.

[1408] I think she was, you know.

[1409] I think they're just confused.

[1410] She's seen coyote ugly too many times.

[1411] She thought she could just stand up and start a revolution.

[1412] She starts flare bar -tending in the audience.

[1413] She's like, but what about somebody playing?

[1414] The devil went down to the show.

[1415] Yeah, do a little bit of this in the audience.

[1416] Play Cotton Eye Joe.

[1417] Starts river dancing.

[1418] You're like, that's not why I'm here.

[1419] For whatever reason, she just really, really wanted to be the center of attention.

[1420] So she just caused this massive commotion.

[1421] I now talk to them, like I talk to a toddler.

[1422] I'll be like, do you feel like you need attention right now?

[1423] Yes, that's important.

[1424] Like, do you need it to be for me or maybe the person?

[1425] people you're with at your table could maybe what led you to this deficit instead of looking at this one thing of behavior what is the what is the catalyst what started this off was it childhood molestation yeah let's talk about your dad leave you somewhere and never come and get you what can we do right now you're raised by dogs or I'll just like I'll move the mic and I'll just say like don't talk to me anymore and I just go back it's like because I think the way that it is a struggle also for me is I go on stage I look like very Amish Like I look not threatening and I I think people react even No matter what age they are like I'm a substitute teacher Like oh we're gonna here we go Mrs. Crandall's not here You look like America I look like an American doll You look like he'd be selling pie like apple pie You'd have like the best tasting apple pie of all time Yeah step right up If I looked at her and I said that bitch It's probably got some awesome apple pie And then I go up and I'm like my pussy This and they're like what But so they think it's like, you know, stepteacher, so I have to sort of assert my authority right away and be like, this is how this, this house is going to go, you know.

[1426] Guys must think that's hot, though.

[1427] I mean, that, I bet, I think, I would imagine that the guys would be very, or like totally scared of it.

[1428] I don't know.

[1429] Which one is it?

[1430] I don't get hit on very often.

[1431] Or, like, if I get hit on, it'll be a guy coming up after the show who will listen to my stuff, and I do a lot of stuff about being, like, easy.

[1432] So they'll, I've had a guy come up and he, like, They just, like, assume that they're, like, going home with me. Like, I've had a guy come up and be like, hey, so I'm a Marine and, like, I drove two hours to get here.

[1433] So.

[1434] And they come by themselves?

[1435] Yeah.

[1436] And I got duct tape and a knife.

[1437] I'm like, okay, like, thank you for, I like signed the CD.

[1438] And I'm like, okay, thanks.

[1439] And he's like, whoa, where are we going?

[1440] And I'm like, oh, no, like, you're a stranger.

[1441] Where are we going?

[1442] Yeah, or, but no. And chicks, chicks just as much as guys are.

[1443] Hansy with me and are like, let's go somewhere.

[1444] Where's the next location for us?

[1445] Really?

[1446] Jesus Christ.

[1447] Do they want to party with you or do they want to have sex with you?

[1448] What's going on with?

[1449] With these chicks.

[1450] I hope both.

[1451] I can only hope both.

[1452] The girls want to hang out.

[1453] But they're all like, and if it's like a couple, they'll be like, don't hog Amy.

[1454] I want it.

[1455] And they're like, the girls are handsy.

[1456] Because, you know, they feel like, I'm sure everybody feels like they're your friend.

[1457] They know you.

[1458] They want you to like them.

[1459] And they want you to know that they get it.

[1460] Oh, they get it, Brian.

[1461] That's so funny.

[1462] So, yeah.

[1463] So, yeah, definitely I have to, like I did the show at Foxwoods, and this guy was like, can I, can I take a picture where I'm pretending like I'm going to grab your boobs?

[1464] And I was like, whoa.

[1465] And I was like, no. But let's take a normal picture.

[1466] And he wrote on Facebook, he was like, that cunt, she wouldn't let me. And I wrote back to him.

[1467] And I was like, like, that's the only time I ever have or ever will.

[1468] write back to anyone who writes something rude to me. I like, I like block, I like the block button on Twitter.

[1469] I'm block happy.

[1470] But that guy, I was like, why, did you feel like that was okay?

[1471] Like, I said, let's take another picture.

[1472] And he was like, I just thought you'd be like, Lampinelli would have done it.

[1473] And I'm just like, oh, hellie would have done it.

[1474] Like, I'm on the road by myself, usually.

[1475] Like, I want some inbred fucking weirdo to be like, oops, sorry, I grabbed them by accident.

[1476] Pretending to grab your tits.

[1477] How fucking crazy.

[1478] is weird i'm just like no i don't want that out of the either right just for a joke i grabbed him people have just picked me up for a picture i had a guy ask me if he could pick me up he goes he goes uh can i carry you and i go what what did you want to do he goes can i carry you in the picture the fuck out of here man like why would you want to carry me that's so weird oh it's so weird it was a big guy too it was like hey you're like it's like you're gonna have to fight for that position son let's come up with something else if you ever get to the point where you're actually carrying me we're gonna have to we're fighting you crazy asshole trying to pick me up people have no boundaries and then what next thing you know it's never enough it's never enough so is another the average person would never ask they could pick you up and carry you like i would never ask i'm oh don't you feel like if it's an artist just meet someone first time you've ever met them even though you know that they're a person that you've seen on television or on a band or whatever you have just met them you crazy asshole you have had exactly three seconds of face time this woman this woman in uh in sacramento this chick got thrown out of a show because she was talking and drunk and loud and she got up at the punch line at the punch line places the shit and she was like amy are you going to let them do this to me like she and i was like i don't you're a stranger bitch like she thought i was going to be like no barbara or whatever i was like yeah get her out of here crazy drunk assholes shit you're gonna let them well I always wonder too when people go off in the audience occasionally I always wonder what are they on you know in this day and age I always wonder about like what kind of weird prescription shit are they on and drinking at the same time because some people did just a complete disconnect from reality right absolute utter disconnect from reality or it'll be like they're not trying to be mean they're trying to like they think they're helping you and they'll even tell you afterwards I help you I helped that show we were great right That was good after we were playing on with each other, right?

[1479] No. I had a guy, the punchline in Atlanta, over New Year's, he was, like, yelling, and he was like, I said something like, like, I'm not a lesbian.

[1480] I mean, I've caught a finger, but I'm not.

[1481] And so, and he's like, yes, you are, you'll fuck anybody.

[1482] And I don't think he was trying to lash out.

[1483] I think he was trying to be like, I know you're, whatever.

[1484] Right.

[1485] But then everybody's like, ooh, and they put the lights on.

[1486] And it's like, they wanted me to, like, trash this.

[1487] guy.

[1488] Right.

[1489] And so I did.

[1490] No, but I mean, but, you know, it's just like, they put the lights on him?

[1491] They put the lights on in the crowd.

[1492] So that you could see him better?

[1493] Yeah.

[1494] Yeah.

[1495] Oh, wow.

[1496] Did you ask them to do that?

[1497] I don't think so.

[1498] They put the video online.

[1499] It's not good.

[1500] He was just really really bad.

[1501] Wait a minute.

[1502] Wait a minute.

[1503] Why did they do that?

[1504] That's their solution.

[1505] Being, like, here, you can see him now.

[1506] He's a victim.

[1507] You can go after him.

[1508] And I don't want to do that.

[1509] I want to do like my jokes that I'm working on, you know.

[1510] I'd rather not have the interaction at all.

[1511] Yeah, that is a problem, you know, especially when it becomes really funny, too.

[1512] Then the crowd thinks it's a really good thing that had happened.

[1513] And that's their favorite part.

[1514] Yeah, they enjoy it.

[1515] I look when you trash that fucking idiot.

[1516] So I could see how the club would be like, oh, this would be fun.

[1517] But there's other clubs that won't even allow it to get to that part.

[1518] I love those clubs.

[1519] Like Gotham.

[1520] Gotham police is that shit.

[1521] They don't fuck around.

[1522] Nope.

[1523] That place is awesome.

[1524] Yeah, they're all fucking savages.

[1525] I've had to tell them to leave guys alone.

[1526] They are waiting to pounce.

[1527] Yeah.

[1528] Yeah, those guys are professional New York police officers.

[1529] Amy, you let us know, all right?

[1530] We'll have a signal.

[1531] Yeah, they're animals.

[1532] They don't fuck around.

[1533] They're waiting to hurt someone.

[1534] Those guys are beautiful.

[1535] And it's a beautiful club.

[1536] The fucking place is perfect.

[1537] It's perfection.

[1538] Are you about to go there?

[1539] Why are we like?

[1540] No, no, I love Gotham.

[1541] I love Gotham.

[1542] That's where I started.

[1543] The next time I'm, what the hell am I doing in New York?

[1544] I'm not doing that, Brian.

[1545] What am I doing?

[1546] I'm in Manhattan Theater.

[1547] The Manhattan Theater?

[1548] Ooh, fancy pants.

[1549] Very nice.

[1550] Getting off fancy on the bitch.

[1551] You know what's up.

[1552] You know what's up.

[1553] Oh, shit, boy.

[1554] Moving on up.

[1555] Oh, shit.

[1556] Well, I love doing clubs just as much.

[1557] Really?

[1558] But, yeah, I think more sometimes even.

[1559] But, you know, it's good to do both, right?

[1560] It's when you can't do five shows or you can't do like a whole weekend, you know, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

[1561] If when I can't do that, I have to do like a theater.

[1562] Yeah.

[1563] I don't want, you know, I get bummed out if I can only do like one show in a town.

[1564] It's only like 200 seats or something like that, you know.

[1565] Yeah.

[1566] But those are the best shows, right?

[1567] Don't you think?

[1568] Like a 200 theater?

[1569] For me, because then I might fill it.

[1570] You'll, listen, I'm telling you, if you had a podcast, you'd be packing clubs everywhere.

[1571] I've heard you stand -up.

[1572] You're fucking hilarious.

[1573] Thank you.

[1574] You're just as hilarious doing stand -up as you are at roast.

[1575] Thank you.

[1576] You'd be killing them.

[1577] Oh, my God.

[1578] A podcast.

[1579] Yeah, I'm telling you, kid.

[1580] Step -mom.

[1581] This is my podcast.

[1582] I wouldn't know the first thing to say.

[1583] Just start talking.

[1584] Start talking shit.

[1585] Or come on out.

[1586] You could be the whole on our show.

[1587] I'd love to be your whole.

[1588] We could introduce you.

[1589] Brian.

[1590] You could totally.

[1591] be my whole.

[1592] Amy Schumer, aka the Desquod Hole.

[1593] Oh, you guys.

[1594] Don't say it if you don't mean it.

[1595] Is this the Valentine's Day edition?

[1596] Yes.

[1597] This is so beautiful.

[1598] Oh, it's only beautiful because you're here.

[1599] Thank you.

[1600] You bounce so well.

[1601] There's a fake butthole on that table, by the way.

[1602] Right in front of you, Amy, there's a little brown thing.

[1603] Oh, that's like a tater tot.

[1604] No, a little rubber thing right there.

[1605] Oh, this isn't, it's a, thanks for telling me it's a fake asshole.

[1606] Like, I would be concerned that this was perhaps a real.

[1607] asshole that just had wandered away from its owner.

[1608] So this is an African -American's asshole?

[1609] Is it just because of February or do you switch out the asshole?

[1610] When girls we do some porn star podcast here and when girls have a gaping asshole they use that to like plug it during the day so their assholes just not like mouth breathers.

[1611] Shut the fuck up.

[1612] You know like no because sometimes if they get it doesn't smell Brian you're not tricking me with this you just making this up you crazy asshole Brian how dare you?

[1613] Have you seen this asshole?

[1614] No I have not may I?

[1615] Please thank you enjoy.

[1616] Silly Please enjoy Do you know Will Saso Joe It's very strange Very strange It's very strange that someone It looks nice in your hand Yeah I guess I guess when dudes Just sit around finger And it could be her asshole It was her assholes It's Whitney Houston I would just first of all I would brush Brush up against it like Barely Barely just let her know my finger There Let her know I'm here Let her know my fingers Saying what's up Knock knock knock You want to back up, you can.

[1617] If you want to back up, you can.

[1618] Oh, I feel a little pressure on my finger.

[1619] Is that your booty, whole pressure, my finger?

[1620] Oh, it looks like she wants to play.

[1621] If you had the feeling to just back up and just, everybody's different.

[1622] Everybody's different.

[1623] You put your finger in some girls assholes and they clamp down and go, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1624] And every guy's asshole.

[1625] Every guys, almost every guy's.

[1626] Yeah.

[1627] Well, wouldn't you rather that than a guy back up?

[1628] Be like, um, grab that second finger.

[1629] I think so.

[1630] I think so.

[1631] Yeah, you know what a guy who's like super.

[1632] Today, that's how I feel.

[1633] Today.

[1634] When you get older and you get older, I'm going to be fisting any dude that will let me. You need a little bit more to stoke the fires.

[1635] Yep.

[1636] We'll just be bored.

[1637] I'll be throwing whatever I can in his ass.

[1638] This little brown assholes disturbing.

[1639] It might not be a total.

[1640] I mean, it's...

[1641] What?

[1642] I mean, I mean...

[1643] That's a black asshole.

[1644] It could be like just a really tan person too.

[1645] Because it's not necessarily black.

[1646] No one's that tan.

[1647] Well, the chick that I pulled it out of was a black.

[1648] Well, thank you.

[1649] Brian, you didn't pull this out of some girl.

[1650] This isn't not an actual tool.

[1651] That's a real doll's butthole.

[1652] It's a real doll's butthole.

[1653] Yeah, a version of a real doll's butthole.

[1654] But isn't the real dolls, you can fuck its butthole.

[1655] Yeah, you can put different attachments in it.

[1656] Oh, you can?

[1657] But this skin is what the real doll is made out of.

[1658] That's not as good as Flashlight.

[1659] No, it's not.

[1660] Fleshlight has a patenting technology, Joe.

[1661] Flashlight feels more real than this.

[1662] They need to market.

[1663] Oh, way better.

[1664] Yeah.

[1665] Flashlight feels way closer to vagina material.

[1666] Yeah, absolutely.

[1667] Everybody got in them close.

[1668] That's why you buy any kind of fake vagina as a guy.

[1669] And it's like, it's a joke.

[1670] It's like fucking a Barbie doll chunk.

[1671] Like the piece of where they make Barbie dolls out of, like they carve it in a certain way.

[1672] That's what it feels like.

[1673] Can you make the flesh light tighter if you want?

[1674] Yeah.

[1675] Well, it's pretty tight.

[1676] It just stretches around your dick.

[1677] It's stretches.

[1678] Yeah.

[1679] You know what I mean?

[1680] So it's for the most part.

[1681] For most people, I'd imagine.

[1682] Maybe not.

[1683] Oh, thank you.

[1684] Maybe not everyone.

[1685] Meep, me, me, me. Wow, this is great.

[1686] Very touchy subject of men and women.

[1687] Oh, yeah, the assholes.

[1688] Bigginas, something taken over, some artificial shit.

[1689] For years, dudes had to live with girls riding equipment and sticking Cibians inside of their bodies.

[1690] And now it's your turn.

[1691] Now it's finally the men's sexual revolution.

[1692] They're turning it around right now.

[1693] Yeah.

[1694] I'm scared of all that shit.

[1695] I've never dealt with any of that.

[1696] I mean, I've had a vibrator.

[1697] How do you feel about this crazy Rick Santorum asshole not to like skew your judgment anyway You thought maybe I'd be like Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1698] I love Santorum.

[1699] Apparently, like he's like not even into birth control He thinks that women shouldn't have birth control And that the states should be able to decide Is that his way of saying he likes pulling out And putting it all over his wife's stomach?

[1700] Yes.

[1701] He's a tit guy.

[1702] Or do you think...

[1703] I don't believe that he feels like that he believes anything that he's saying.

[1704] You feel like he's just completely playing a game?

[1705] Yeah.

[1706] What do you think?

[1707] It could be gay.

[1708] You go straight to fag.

[1709] Yeah, whenever someone's really religious.

[1710] You like bears, fag.

[1711] When someone's super, super religious and they want to like, they want to either challenge gay marriage or control gay sexuality or whenever they want to get like real freaky with like controlling sex and morality and issues like that, I almost always go gay with them.

[1712] Because they almost always are uncovered as being wildly gay.

[1713] Yeah, it sounds like crazy.

[1714] thing to say like you know Joe Rogan you're an asshole for saying that no I'm not you know why I'll tell you why because I'm not I'm not saying that you shouldn't be religious I'm not saying I know a lot of people where all that is super benefited them especially people that have had substance abuse issues you cannot say that Christianity or religion are having a good church and a good association a community association to that belong to that's religious and follows religious tenets that it couldn't help their life I agree yeah but for you know for a lot of people They're just too fucking stupid.

[1715] Yeah.

[1716] If it gives somebody hope and it helps them out, I'm like, go do it.

[1717] But if it's just because you're borderline retarded and somebody told you to believe it and you do, then I guess I don't really know what I'm saying.

[1718] What are you saying anymore?

[1719] I don't know.

[1720] I just think I'm, I don't want to blame the pot, but I just like don't even really remember what we're talking about.

[1721] Do you like the breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden?

[1722] Brian, you had to.

[1723] Is that what we were talking about?

[1724] When you're there, you are family.

[1725] I think we were talking about black guys.

[1726] Oh, yeah.

[1727] You guys, you'll be the first to know if I do it.

[1728] We hit like a personal three -way mind stump right there.

[1729] We were all driving along.

[1730] And we were following you.

[1731] You were me?

[1732] Yeah, because there was a brief moment where I, you know, as you're having a conversation, it's sort of like you're tossing a ball back and forth to each other.

[1733] I took the ball.

[1734] And you had the ball and I completely forgot what I was saying when I gave you the ball.

[1735] I threw the ball in the sewer.

[1736] You, you should have threw the ball back to me. And I threw it, I'm like, I'm not sure you can have it again.

[1737] And then you said, I don't know what we're talking about.

[1738] I was like, damn, both of us.

[1739] Should have kept that ball.

[1740] And I wasn't paying attention.

[1741] Yeah, Brian's like watching reruns of Sanford.

[1742] You don't want to be the Kobe Bryant of podcasts.

[1743] You want to push the ball off as much as possible.

[1744] It's very important.

[1745] Yeah.

[1746] I feel like I should make a rape joke.

[1747] I'm going to just opt out.

[1748] Dude, I love you.

[1749] I love you.

[1750] I love you.

[1751] It seems like the right time.

[1752] Move here.

[1753] Move here.

[1754] Come on, we're going to be besties Ice House I stopped doing my rape joke I can't do it anymore People were getting mad in the audience That had been raped I had to stop it That's not a funny thing to talk about now It's like murdering babies It's not fun to talk about either Yeah, they don't have to tell you I beg to differ on both those subjects I just I can't I can't find a way to make cancer funny But everything else I think is pretty funny Well it depends on who's getting raped When dudes are getting raped It's hilarious That's great Especially assholes When a bad when mean men are getting raped by other meaner men.

[1755] You are singing in my song, sister.

[1756] I miss Oz for that reason.

[1757] That was the last good.

[1758] Seeing out of BC rape, I was like, yes.

[1759] Last good rape show on television was Oz.

[1760] You know, they don't make them like they used to.

[1761] That's a different way of owning a guy, raping them.

[1762] That's a whole other level.

[1763] Raping someone when you're in a cage together.

[1764] Like, they just impose themselves on you so much that they sexually impose themselves on you.

[1765] They make you suck their dick.

[1766] they nut in your mouth they didn't even want to show you that they could do that can you imagine how horrific that must be the moment it's not fun it's not even fun if it's what you wanted to happen but what if you you know like you you have to a guy beats the fuck out of you the best way to not get the fuck beat out of you is to suck his deck let him fucking yes not gonna take that much time out of your day Tibetan rape ceremony it seems less gay to get fucked Tibetan rape ceremony yeah you tie you to a stick and let a bunch of guys rape you is that what free Tibet means He's betting that up.

[1767] I'm getting that bumper sticker.

[1768] Meeting adjourned.

[1769] He's actually referencing a Tibetan, Tibetan vulture funeral, where they tie you your dead body to a stake and then the vultures come down and eat you.

[1770] It's fucking wild shit.

[1771] Who watches?

[1772] The family members.

[1773] And a lot of times the vultures will leave the head on last.

[1774] So a lot of the photos, if you see it, it's just like a skeleton, like almost exactly like from Disneyland.

[1775] And then a person's real.

[1776] head attached to it still.

[1777] Well, not only that.

[1778] The really, the high level guys, the high level guys take it to the next level and they bring hammers and then they smash up the head and they smash up the bones and then they step back again, the vultures come back and they'll actually devour the smashed up bones.

[1779] Yeah, that's when you're taking it deep.

[1780] That's when you're taking it super deep when you're hitting your friend's head open with a fucking hammer.

[1781] And they open them up too with knives.

[1782] They're like open the meat up to get the vultures to start.

[1783] I was actually talking to this on the phone with my mom and I was telling her about this.

[1784] Why didn't my suspicious that you're telling a lie?

[1785] No, I just started like that.

[1786] I will call her, I'll call her right now live if you don't believe me. But no, I swear to God, I was driving over telling her about this and then she's like, you know, this is like the most disturbing thing my mom's ever heard in her life because she doesn't have like internet as much as people, you know, so like I'm telling her this and she's like, I have to sit down.

[1787] Really?

[1788] So you could you just tell her it?

[1789] You did it today on the way here.

[1790] Oh, you should tell her to fucking go to the link.

[1791] She'd make her go to the line.

[1792] No, no, no, no. She did just email it to her.

[1793] Hey, mom, this is a new place I'm thinking about moving into in Burbank.

[1794] What do you think?

[1795] And she'll just look at that link.

[1796] She sounds like a real bitch.

[1797] I think she's spotting.

[1798] Oh, God.

[1799] Come on.

[1800] You can't say that while you're wearing your cougar on her shirt.

[1801] Whatever.

[1802] I could send it.

[1803] Not cool.

[1804] Brian, do you remember the cougar in Austin, Texas?

[1805] No. Did you get down?

[1806] The accidental cougar?

[1807] Oh.

[1808] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1809] Do you want to tell that story or no?

[1810] I think we've told it a million times, but pretty much, are you talking about the strip club?

[1811] Yeah, the one when you didn't know who you're kissing.

[1812] So there was this waitress that was like really flirty with me at the strip club.

[1813] And I was blackout drunk.

[1814] He's saying it like he wants me to get jealous.

[1815] Yeah, well, he is.

[1816] He does.

[1817] He wants you know.

[1818] She was in nothing.

[1819] Don't worry about it.

[1820] Oh, thank you.

[1821] But she was pretty hot.

[1822] Okay, we're okay.

[1823] She was pretty hot, though.

[1824] And so she was like being really flurry, like massaging my back and everything like that.

[1825] and I was just wasted and then she stopped massaging my back and I'm like just fucked up up and then suddenly this other waitress comes up to me or a stripper or I don't know who it was or just an older lady she was a patron oh she was a patron that was just like an old lady that hung out at strip clubs you know like creepy older lady that's like smoke cigarettes and I don't know like face of an ugly angel and uh and I thought that was this the girl tried to like kiss me on the cheek or something like that and I thought it was the hot waitress and I just went like close my eyes and just started like frinching her and then Joe's recording it on his phone and then I no no no no it was just way before you could record things in your phone no you did because I remember I recorded it on a camera camera yeah he recorded on a camera and then then um whatever I like backed out and noticed it wasn't her and everyone like that was around me looked like they saw a ghost like everyone was just like white as a ghost It sounds like you made out with a ghost.

[1826] This is what it was like.

[1827] It was awful.

[1828] And Brian was happy as a pig and shit.

[1829] He was sitting back with his arms stretched, pie -eyed drunk, stoned as fuck.

[1830] He's just oblivious to the world.

[1831] And he had this huge smile in his face.

[1832] And then the waitress comes over and she was really cute.

[1833] And Brian said something funny.

[1834] He laughed and he clapped his hands together.

[1835] We were all having a good time.

[1836] And Brian kicks back.

[1837] And he's literally, he's so hammered.

[1838] And, like, fucking Nickelback is playing really loud.

[1839] Best moment of his life.

[1840] His head is leaning back.

[1841] And the girl comes over and kisses his cheek.

[1842] And she's a fucking old biker lady.

[1843] Like an old, gross.

[1844] Hagger looking.

[1845] She had short hair.

[1846] She looked like the chick.

[1847] She had a vest on.

[1848] She had a vest.

[1849] The older one that was the cougar.

[1850] She was wearing a vest.

[1851] Blanche.

[1852] Yeah, it was like Blanche.

[1853] Yeah.

[1854] She seems like.

[1855] Blanche was the cutest one.

[1856] Who did you like, Sophia?

[1857] She was, she was, she was.

[1858] she was like late 50s right when you say yeah i'd say late 50s yeah late 50s old biker lady sits down next to brine cuddles with him rubs up against him he like puts his hand on her she kisses his neck he turns to her and it's like watching a deer get hit by a train bam oh my god it was horrendous when she stuck out her weathered cigarette gray tongue it It was like a fucking appendage in the movie Predator.

[1859] It was like something you expect to come out of its mouth.

[1860] Too long.

[1861] She was tongue in Brian.

[1862] Oh, it was so nasty.

[1863] And whatever tattoos that she had on her had long been blue by the mother time.

[1864] Tasminian, the devil is shooting basketball or something.

[1865] Oh, they were making out.

[1866] They were making out.

[1867] And I'm filming it.

[1868] I'm filming it.

[1869] I'm going, look, look, what the fuck is Brian doing?

[1870] So the video is like, look, look, what the fuck is Brian doing?

[1871] And he can't even hear me. you know you know it's like yeah and then the next day I'm like dude did you get that video he goes dude I deleted it for you you you'll thank me you want to be a rock star I told we watched it I knew that it was too good and it was gonna get out and so I knew it was it was devastating it would have been devastating to your confidence I would love to see it no at the time though today I agree but eight years ago whenever the fuck it was I say you weren't really ready for that yet I would love to it would have been devastated I would have I had that in my fucking my You'd wake up and shit your pants and cold sweats.

[1872] You just wake up, think about it, and just shit your pants.

[1873] That woman was horrific, bro.

[1874] That would be so awesome to have.

[1875] She was like the scene in The Shining when Jack Nicholson is making out with the woman and all of it turns into an old lady on.

[1876] That's what it was like.

[1877] That's horrendous.

[1878] That's sad that you did.

[1879] A little buddy, you know I love you.

[1880] No, I want to see it so bad.

[1881] I didn't want to see it again.

[1882] I almost reenacted.

[1883] You didn't want to live with it.

[1884] I felt bad.

[1885] I felt bad.

[1886] Everybody was going to attack you.

[1887] I'm on a cougar hunt, Joe.

[1888] You're just here to protect him.

[1889] She wasn't a cougar, dude.

[1890] Yeah, that's...

[1891] She was a snuffaloficus.

[1892] She's a rocker chick, dude.

[1893] She's a brutal.

[1894] Trying to ruin my game with the coogs.

[1895] Oh, boy.

[1896] But there's, and there's somewhere out there that's someone that wants to suck her feet.

[1897] Oh.

[1898] Yeah, there's some dude who wants to suck those dried out, old fucking calloused, hardened, cracked feet.

[1899] He wants to suck on him.

[1900] There's somebody out there, man. Yeah, man. Pretty nice.

[1901] For me. I don't know.

[1902] Was that like, was that like Hispanic or like an inbred like southern?

[1903] Oh, that was just fat.

[1904] Fat southern guy.

[1905] get her done.

[1906] Oh, God.

[1907] So awful.

[1908] Have you seen the book of Mormon?

[1909] Do you go to like plays and stuff like that?

[1910] Is it just amazing?

[1911] It's coming here to Los Angeles finally.

[1912] For folks who don't know, it's the Matt Stone and Trey Parker musical.

[1913] It's awesome.

[1914] It's coming to Los Angeles?

[1915] I think so.

[1916] Yeah.

[1917] I don't know how to fuck those guys have time to do that, man. I know.

[1918] They're ridiculous.

[1919] It's annoying.

[1920] There's some people that, like, put out, like, their workload is just, it's so.

[1921] That's, you're one of those people.

[1922] What are you talking about?

[1923] You have 85.

[1924] You're, like, Jamaican.

[1925] No, these are easy jobs.

[1926] Everything I have.

[1927] I figured out a way to just, to fake it.

[1928] The least amount of effort and do 80 things.

[1929] Yeah, everything I do.

[1930] You're like, it's fine.

[1931] On, like, drugs.

[1932] Like, Manly version of buying Sechrest.

[1933] Secrets.

[1934] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[1935] Supermanly.

[1936] You're like the sexy, like, rugged.

[1937] Just fucking.

[1938] Jeremy.

[1939] Fucking chicks.

[1940] Fucking just.

[1941] You do this.

[1942] Fucking just.

[1943] traps or bussy out of your shit.

[1944] Fucking.

[1945] Everything I do is super easy.

[1946] It's all like, it's skating through.

[1947] I mean, comedy is the only thing that's difficult because you have to write material.

[1948] But then once you got it down, once you have your set down, it's super easy.

[1949] You know, they're really, the only difficult thing about the comedy is writing the new stuff.

[1950] And the travel and the shit.

[1951] That, the travel.

[1952] But that's just, I'm telling you your travel will be so much different if you had a podcast and you bring your friends on, What's up?

[1953] Bring it.

[1954] Bring it.

[1955] Yeah.

[1956] You've got to fly first.

[1957] Or just hang out in California, smoke a lot of weed and just do shows here locally and do podcasts.

[1958] Yeah.

[1959] Come on.

[1960] Get in there, girl.

[1961] This is a scene in the movie where you decide that, fuck New York.

[1962] New York can suck it.

[1963] And you throw all your stuff in the bag.

[1964] And that's what you say right before you leave.

[1965] New York can suck it.

[1966] Boom.

[1967] You kick the door shut.

[1968] Shoo!

[1969] Next thing you're on a plane.

[1970] Next thing you landed.

[1971] Like in the movie, Snatch.

[1972] Remember when the dude has to fly back and forth from London to New York?

[1973] He's all mad.

[1974] Yeah.

[1975] They've got some fucking diamond deal that's going on.

[1976] He pops the ambulance.

[1977] I think it'll be like pretty women, but like in reverse.

[1978] So like a month from now, I'll just be like, a hoker.

[1979] Pantsless on the street.

[1980] Like, say, no, I don't need money.

[1981] I don't need money.

[1982] Just I want to know where the Greyhound station is.

[1983] But really, I'm like, okay, can I have some money?

[1984] Pantsless on the street.

[1985] In my underpants.

[1986] You're brown stained underpants.

[1987] I remember when I first drove to New York.

[1988] I'm not going to start shitting myself, Brian.

[1989] Jesus Christ.

[1990] I'm just not, I don't have a job.

[1991] I remember when I first drove to.

[1992] New York, there was an area of New York Jimmy Norton would know where it is.

[1993] He'd be able to say.

[1994] I'm sure he would.

[1995] I'm sure he knows where it moved to.

[1996] He probably done.

[1997] There's an area that was like near the like shipyards and shit.

[1998] It was like a real creepy area and you drive through and there were as hookers everywhere.

[1999] It was like night of the thousand hookers.

[2000] It was 42nd all the way over by the Times Square used to be like.

[2001] Sounds like Seattle.

[2002] Dude.

[2003] What?

[2004] Seattle again.

[2005] No you don't.

[2006] It's inside jokes.

[2007] This motherfucker with the inside jokes.

[2008] It was, it was, it was so bizarre because it was like, like, it was on shipyards and hookers everywhere.

[2009] Norton's dreams.

[2010] Really weird, man. The village people are actually there.

[2011] That, that's a real place.

[2012] There's a lot of people that have never experienced that.

[2013] They don't know if there's spots where they, there's all these, they've decided hookers are just going to accumulate.

[2014] Like, that's it.

[2015] That's their Amsterdam, like on a wire.

[2016] Walk the streets.

[2017] Yeah, New Orleans is a scariest place like that that I've seen.

[2018] For hookers?

[2019] Yeah.

[2020] Yeah.

[2021] For what I've seen.

[2022] And I went to college in Baltimore.

[2023] Like, I saw some, some shit for sure.

[2024] But New Orleans, I saw the scariest shit I've ever seen with hookers and stuff.

[2025] I would have never thought that Baltimore was like a hardcore sort of a place until like the wire.

[2026] The wire is real.

[2027] And the wire, you're like, whoa.

[2028] I grew up in New York.

[2029] Really?

[2030] I grew up in New York and as in the city constantly, nothing ever happened in Baltimore.

[2031] I got robbed every way imaginable.

[2032] My car held up at gunpoint, our apartment.

[2033] Jesus Christ.

[2034] It was like.

[2035] yeah it's it's fucking it was nuts there i don't know if it's better now but i and i love baltimore but it's you don't want to go to central booking yeah yeah baltimore they used to have a comedy club there used to have an improv do you remember they still have it i'm doing oh speaking of that oh shit i'm i'm uh i'll be in baltimore this sunday oh you will i think it's called the comedy factor yeah but that i remember that you just remembered that yeah you know it's the nicest time of year washington dc baltimore's ass i was just saying like don't go to Baltimore and I was like oh fuck I'm going there this Sunday I've been robbed they've been shot at and don't forget the South Beach comedy stylings oh yeah so you're going to be where in Baltimore the Sunday um I think it's called the comedy factory yeah I'm really good at is that the old improv yeah well it's like right if it's not in the actual space it's right next to it it's where the improv used to be yeah because I know that power plant yeah that was a fun little spot that was fun that was coming up when I was in school and we were just little horrors running around there yeah that's what it seems It's a block away from Gay Street, which is like the, you know, strip club porn town.

[2036] Oh, God.

[2037] That was fun.

[2038] Fun place to go to college for sure.

[2039] That's where our boy, John Rollo is.

[2040] Shout out to John Rollo.

[2041] He listens to the podcast.

[2042] He's from Baltimore.

[2043] Big up, John Rollo.

[2044] It's a weird accent, that Baltimore accent.

[2045] It's a fucking, it's sort of city, but it's sort of country.

[2046] It's not cute.

[2047] It ain't cute.

[2048] You think it's bad?

[2049] Just kidding.

[2050] Please come out Sunday.

[2051] I support everything you do is art. Everything you do is art. You're a miracle.

[2052] Come out Sunday.

[2053] You have a miracle.

[2054] Buy my album.

[2055] Support me. Do you have an album out?

[2056] Yeah.

[2057] How can people get it?

[2058] iTunes.

[2059] It's called cutting.

[2060] Cutting.

[2061] Mm -hmm.

[2062] Oh, nice.

[2063] Dude, I'm gonna buy the album.

[2064] I love the album cover.

[2065] I'm not buying my album.

[2066] I might buy it right now.

[2067] How about that?

[2068] Okay.

[2069] How about what's up?

[2070] How about buy my album?

[2071] The album cover is awesome.

[2072] What is it?

[2073] It's her baking like cupcakes and she has a black guy and she's dressed up.

[2074] Oh, and this is the one where the lady didn't want to do the makeup, huh?

[2075] Yeah, she didn't want to do that.

[2076] Wow.

[2077] Because she thought that you're making fun of violence?

[2078] I think so.

[2079] But, like, that's my favorite thing to do.

[2080] Like, my sister and I used to go to Rangers games, and I would wear a neck brace.

[2081] And I'd put two black eyes on her, and people would be like, what happened?

[2082] I was like, oh, we got into swimming with each other.

[2083] That's awesome.

[2084] People, one time we saw John Hamm, like, we forgot that we had fucked ourselves up.

[2085] And he, like, was staring at us.

[2086] We were like, John Ham was into our shit.

[2087] And then we're like, oh, right?

[2088] And we're all banged up.

[2089] Like, you beat the fuck up.

[2090] Yeah, we get worse.

[2091] worse every game like we would try if we got our hands at crutches we would do anything what we just thought it was so fucking funny people were horrified by us is that what got you into stand -up comedy like just being a joker like that i think so i was i've been a dick had my whole life i've been a worthless dick my whole life that's hilarious i always had saturday detention did you have that you know like the breakfast club shit yeah it was me and all kids that didn't speak English.

[2092] We didn't have Saturday detention but I was in regular detention all the time.

[2093] Did you make it snow like from your dandruff onto a pitcher?

[2094] Do you, I don't know.

[2095] Snow from your dandruff onto a picture you dirty bitch?

[2096] Tell me you take a shower every now and again.

[2097] I'm not going to move here anymore because that whatever that was.

[2098] I was talking about the breakfast club where that you know were they're all on Saturday school.

[2099] Oh that that moment that was important to you and nobody else?

[2100] Yeah.

[2101] I have no idea.

[2102] What a fuck.

[2103] Allie She had dandruff in that?

[2104] Yeah, remember she used to like shake her hair and make it snow Because of all her dandruff It was like the most disturbing thing for that movie That was the most disturbing thing.

[2105] Did you see dandruff?

[2106] Like I think she just...

[2107] Yeah, and it was a joke that it was snowing On a house that she drew or something Oh I'll show you up I must have missed that part I don't remember that I don't think that was an important point I don't know if I actually watched that whole movie all the way through Really?

[2108] Yeah, that's one of those movies I probably watched like 20 minutes and then shut it off and then went back and watched the other 20 minutes another time but I probably never finished it you don't like those movies I don't know it's never into them they used to frustrate me when I was a kid when I was a kid when those movies were coming out all those 16 candles it's a very weird time in my life because I I would get annoyed at any any like feel good like where I if I saw where it was going I couldn't enjoy it I had to like I I couldn't enjoy any sort of horse shit sort of...

[2109] Happy ending?

[2110] Any kind of movie where I felt like it was concocted.

[2111] Those movies had some really dark shit though.

[2112] I'm sure.

[2113] Really?

[2114] Yeah.

[2115] The guy that played that...

[2116] I'm trying to describe what I mean.

[2117] Like, I just...

[2118] If you saw like the happy ending coming at you?

[2119] Yeah, if I saw any...

[2120] If I just felt like it was written.

[2121] I felt like I was just like really super, super critical.

[2122] If you could see the writing.

[2123] Yeah.

[2124] I wouldn't even enjoyed like comic book movies back then.

[2125] Yeah.

[2126] But that movie is like a...

[2127] And you're the nerd.

[2128] And you're the, you know, it was very clear.

[2129] Yeah, it was really like, yeah, this is the bad boy.

[2130] But the bad boy, like, in that movie, his dad was, like, putting, like, cigarettes out on him.

[2131] And it was, right.

[2132] Well, that's, yeah, that is reality.

[2133] And the girl, Molly Ringwald was, like, yeah, like, I remember thinking it was really dark how she was kind of vilified just for having tits.

[2134] Like, she was doing something to everybody just by having boobs.

[2135] Oh, here's.

[2136] Maybe if I saw it again.

[2137] I just showed him, like.

[2138] But I was, I just remember, I was a, I had really, like, super.

[2139] critical taste back then very was a what yeah what did you like well I was very critical about myself at this point in my life and so I was really critical about like everything I saw in TV in the movies it was just a weird time for me I was you were you were the movie fucking sucks were you like a comedy nerd no no you know no until I became a comedian oh really yeah before that I was the only I was a Richard Pryor nerd you know I would listen to Richard Pryor tapes my girlfriend yeah but then I I really started doing it because because friends talked me into it and because somebody described to me Sam Kinnison.

[2140] The first Sam Kinnison bit that I ever heard was done for me by a girl, a 19 -year -old girl that I worked with.

[2141] Yeah, yeah.

[2142] You know?

[2143] I don't know why I know this story, but I do know the story.

[2144] Oh, you do?

[2145] I should have just pretended like I didn't know.

[2146] I probably told it on the podcast.

[2147] Yeah, you must have told it on the podcast?

[2148] Have I told that story, Brian?

[2149] I don't know.

[2150] I think you did, yeah.

[2151] The girl did even hearing the bit in the parking lot.

[2152] Yeah.

[2153] She was so, it was such a funny bit that this girl who wasn't even a comedian and did the bit in the parking lot.

[2154] Yeah.

[2155] I was like, wow, man, I wish I could come up with something that funny.

[2156] Right.

[2157] That was like, she did it enough justice that you fell in love with him just through her quoting it, yeah.

[2158] Yeah, she acted it out and she was hot.

[2159] It was really ridiculous.

[2160] Yeah.

[2161] Because she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot.

[2162] And she's like, oh, you mean life keeps fucking the ass.

[2163] Get after you dead.

[2164] Oh, oh, it never ends.

[2165] I was like, wow.

[2166] And he's like a short fat guy that's doing this.

[2167] She's like, he's wearing an overcoat.

[2168] It's hilarious.

[2169] I was like, wow, I got to check that guy out.

[2170] Yeah.

[2171] Damn, she was making me laugh by doing an impression of the guy.

[2172] You know, that's when you know your shit's good.

[2173] Yeah.

[2174] Yeah, or that that girl was pretty good.

[2175] Yeah, she was just super cool.

[2176] I think I probably couldn't do Knessen any dresses.

[2177] Especially that one, lying on your stomach.

[2178] In a parking lot.

[2179] She was just such a preposterous scene.

[2180] She's talking about getting fucked in the ass being a corpse.

[2181] Yeah.

[2182] For folks who don't know what the bit is, Kinnison had a joke about homosexual necrophiliacs.

[2183] that were paying for a couple hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses they had been arrested for it and he hid this whole bit about the guy being on a slab like going well I guess that's it now I'm dead I'm gonna go be with Jesus and then he starts rocking back and forth you're like hey it feels like they're digging my ass you mean life keeps fucking the ass even after you're dead it never ends it never ends it's a fucking great bit so this girl's doing this on her stomach in the parking lot and I'm like oh my god this is hilarious guess she nailed it so that's i wonder where she is now who knows probably married a bunch of kids surprised she's here we have her here her pussy's dragging on the floor she's like i can still do the bit like the elephant man i can still do the bed oh god that was when i worked at that health club it was a really important moment for me is that uh when i was like 18 19 years old i worked to the Boston Athletic Club.

[2184] I got to see Bobby Orr.

[2185] Do you know he is?

[2186] Famous hockey player.

[2187] Okay.

[2188] I'd never seen anybody that had had, like, more than 10 knee surgeries.

[2189] I'd never seen, like, a professional athlete whose knees had been destroyed.

[2190] Yeah.

[2191] And I got to watch this guy, like, walk around.

[2192] He's a legend in, like, Boston.

[2193] Legendary hockey player, like, one of the greatest hockey players of all time.

[2194] And the poor guy could barely walk.

[2195] And I remember thinking, like, fuck, man. You have to think about that when you're 18 years old.

[2196] and you're spry and you're all fucking bouncing around like a little rabbit.

[2197] You don't think that like your legs can get so fucked up that you could be like one of the greatest hockey players of all time and still you've taken so much damage and so many surgeries that you know you're hobbling along in agony everywhere you go.

[2198] Yeah.

[2199] Dark shit.

[2200] It's weird.

[2201] I just, I was talking to this guy plays football and I was like, you'll probably like, don't you I asked, I was like, don't you guys die young?

[2202] And he was like, yeah, yeah.

[2203] And I was like, I regretted it after I said it.

[2204] But I just, it was a really legit question.

[2205] Like, you just, you have a choice.

[2206] Like, there's enough research and with the internet and stuff.

[2207] You know now, like, you are, you are really fucking yourself up.

[2208] That's so weird.

[2209] Yeah.

[2210] It's a tough gig.

[2211] You know, any guy that chooses to use his body for any sport, you know, anything where you're trying to make a living just off your body.

[2212] Or like a ballerina.

[2213] Or like a ballerina.

[2214] You fuck yourself up.

[2215] How many guys get to be Baryshnikov?

[2216] How many dudes are like, I am going to be the next competition.

[2217] I know.

[2218] Meanwhile, there's been thousands of them and no one gives a fuck.

[2219] It's like who's going to be the next Lance Armstrong?

[2220] Guess what?

[2221] No one.

[2222] How about that?

[2223] Go into that fucking bike racing, try to get famous.

[2224] We're like, hey, asshole, we don't need to ride bikes, okay?

[2225] I just got a cortisone shot in my hip.

[2226] I like running, like I run, run, run.

[2227] And I just all of a sudden my body was like, no. Stop, stop.

[2228] Hold on a second.

[2229] You know, that's just a pain thing.

[2230] That's the you're still injured.

[2231] Yeah, I know.

[2232] I know because I started running again for like three days.

[2233] I ran like I used to And it came The pain came back Like I hadn't even gotten the shot And then I haven't run since then So it's been It hasn't hurt me Where are you having the pain?

[2234] It's in your hip Yeah It's a muscle in my hip Oh it's a muscle in your hip for sure Yeah it's a muscle Yeah I went and got x -rays And uh That's scary shit I know people have had hip replacements That's fucking dark No The x -rays look totally fine But he was like Do you want a shot of cortisone And I was like okay And I was so excited That my hip didn't hurt Oh, so you work it out again.

[2235] So I just, it doesn't hurt now.

[2236] But when I was running again, it did.

[2237] What if you have to get an iron hip?

[2238] That would be crazy.

[2239] Guys, I'm not getting a hip replacement.

[2240] It's not just an iron hip.

[2241] You know what they do?

[2242] They saw off the end of your bone where your socket is.

[2243] They literally saw it off and then they screw this fucking spike that goes deep, deep, deep, like a foot into the bone with an artificial.

[2244] I don't know if it's a foot.

[2245] I didn't measure it.

[2246] Don't get crazy on the internet.

[2247] But they screw this fucking long pipe into the bone and then it's this artificial hip socket that's on the top.

[2248] And sometimes it doesn't line up so good.

[2249] Like one leg might be just slightly bigger than the other leg because of it.

[2250] And when you're walking, you have this little fucking hitch to your stroke that you'll never get away with.

[2251] Like you'll never like walk normal for the rest of your life unless you want them to open you up and resize it again.

[2252] All right.

[2253] I'm going to get out of here.

[2254] It's an artificial hip.

[2255] That's crazy.

[2256] Yeah.

[2257] And that's just the, you know, they're going to be able to develop artificial everything in the future.

[2258] They made a titanium bone for a woman who had some sort of bone cancer and she lost her jaw and they created her a titanium jaw and apparently it functions just like the regular jaw.

[2259] It's better than her old jaw.

[2260] They insert it in place.

[2261] It's slightly heavier than the old jaw.

[2262] What the fuck is going on?

[2263] That's actually a person's jaw that they've All right you know what Brian you might be an asshole.

[2264] This is not a safe environment.

[2265] This is not a safe place.

[2266] You have somewhere you have to go Don't you?

[2267] I do.

[2268] Thank you very much coming on.

[2269] This has been awesome.

[2270] Thank you so much.

[2271] You made me laugh so hard.

[2272] Thank you.

[2273] This is super cool.

[2274] And I want you to do it as many times as you can whenever you're in town.

[2275] Please call me and let's fucking do this all the time.

[2276] If you ever move to L .A., for real, Brian has a whole network of these podcasts called the Death Squad network.

[2277] You have a podcast whenever you want one.

[2278] We'll put you on immediately.

[2279] And when we put you on immediately, I'm telling you everything will change.

[2280] Oh, fuck yeah.

[2281] All your clubs, club dates will change.

[2282] Medical marijuana license will get, look at it.

[2283] a card.

[2284] And I'm on board.

[2285] Thank you.

[2286] Thank you.

[2287] Thank you.

[2288] Thank you very much.

[2289] Thanks, guys.

[2290] Really cool having you on.

[2291] You're awesome.

[2292] See, it panned out, ladies and gentlemen.

[2293] Like I knew it would.

[2294] This podcast was brought to you by The Fleshlight.

[2295] It is.

[2296] I know.

[2297] If you go to joe rogan .net, click on the link for the fleshlight and entering the code name Rogue.

[2298] You know the fucking drill.

[2299] Why do I have to say at the beginning and the end?

[2300] Maybe you tuned in halfway and you didn't hear the first point.

[2301] You heard it.

[2302] I'm being rude.

[2303] I'm being rude.

[2304] And we're also brought to you.

[2305] by audit .com, O -N -N -I -T -com, makers of alpha brain, enter into code name Rogan, get yourself 10 % off.

[2306] Try the Shroom Tech sport if you're an athlete, Shroom Tech immune, and New Mood, a 5 -H -T -P enhancement supplement that you shouldn't take if you're on antidepressment.

[2307] All right.

[2308] We love you, dirty bitches.

[2309] We'll see you soon.

[2310] We've got a lot of people coming up in the show.

[2311] Sam Harris is coming up.

[2312] Be Real from Cypress Hills coming up.

[2313] Greg Fitzsimmons is coming up.

[2314] My pal from Boston.

[2315] We started out together.

[2316] Back in the day.

[2317] all right that's it bye everybody we love you bye see you soon