Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, I'm John Mullaney, and I feel...
[1] Feeling redacted until later an episode.
[2] About being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[3] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, can tell that we are going to be friends.
[4] Quiet.
[5] I'm just waiting for you to be done.
[6] You done?
[7] Oh, I'm sorry.
[8] I thought this is a podcast and we talk.
[9] We talk when we go.
[10] Oh, okay.
[11] Well, okay, you could go.
[12] And go.
[13] You guys are idiots.
[14] Okay, go.
[15] Hey there, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[16] As if any of that earlier stuff is not going to make it in.
[17] Sona was trying to get the last word before we started, but then I did.
[18] And, um, but you're the mature one.
[19] It's not like it matters to you.
[20] What?
[21] You had to mention that you won.
[22] The important thing is that I won.
[23] Okay.
[24] And you lost.
[25] Okay.
[26] Because I started the podcast before you could say and go.
[27] I said it kind of quietly.
[28] And you're going to keep that in?
[29] Absolutely.
[30] Yeah.
[31] You know, it's crazy is that this is how childish, I'm a, an elderly man. And, but I remember we used to do this thing at the show, at the late night show, where I, I would tag Sona and then head down to rehearsal and she would tear after me. Yes.
[32] And I would run full tilt.
[33] You would try and touch me back before I would get.
[34] And this is, we were, we're adults.
[35] Yeah.
[36] Full on adults.
[37] You would lock yourself in your bathroom, in your dressing room.
[38] And then they'd be telling me you have to come out and do the show and I'd say, make sure Sonna's not there so she can't tag me. Yeah.
[39] Before what, what, someone diagnosed this.
[40] It's idiocy.
[41] It is really stupid.
[42] And I won most of the time.
[43] That's not true.
[44] That's not true.
[45] I know it's not.
[46] Which one of you is more pathetic?
[47] Conan.
[48] I'm going to say me. Oh, no, come on.
[49] It's not fun when we agree.
[50] No, it's definitely me. I'm older.
[51] I was the host of the show.
[52] And I used to try and think of ways that I could be assured of a win.
[53] I thought once of putting a mild acid in a squirt gun and firing it at you if you got too close.
[54] Like a mild acid that would just create like a first or second degree burn, maybe a third.
[55] Well, we've always.
[56] always been like very brother -sister and danny and i used to do this where you know my mom be like don't don't hit your sister and he'll be like he'll put his finger an inch away from my arm and he'd be like i'm not touching her i'm not touching her and it would absolutely drive me insane yeah i think it's it's definitely a brother -sister thing and uh i i have the tease jean i like to what i'm sorry this is a big coming out for me but i do like to were you also a jeez team Well, often, yes.
[57] I mean.
[58] Starting at around 15, yes.
[59] Anyway, the point being that it's definitely me. I'm the pathetic one.
[60] It was my problem.
[61] It was up to me to be the mature person, and of course, I couldn't do it.
[62] So, Sona, I'll take the fall for that one.
[63] I don't know if, duh.
[64] What?
[65] That's true.
[66] I don't like when you do that.
[67] I'm not doing it as a passive aggressive move.
[68] I'm saying.
[69] You know you are.
[70] No, I'm not.
[71] Yes, you are.
[72] Until you acquiesce, then he'll make it.
[73] passive aggressive.
[74] No, I'll be the pathetic.
[75] I'm the pathetic one.
[76] I'm pathetic.
[77] All right.
[78] Okay.
[79] No, come on, man. You're doing it.
[80] Look at your face.
[81] You're smiling at yourself.
[82] You're so proud of getting happy with yourself.
[83] If you could just put her saying, I'm the pathetic one on a huge echo.
[84] So it reverberates.
[85] I'd be quite happy.
[86] Normally, I do not grant these requests, but that one, I will allow it.
[87] And take it away.
[88] That's the pathetic way.
[89] All right.
[90] Well, we should get going.
[91] We have an incredible guest today.
[92] Absolutely incredible guest.
[93] One of my favorite people.
[94] I say that sometimes.
[95] This time I really mean it.
[96] Do you think any of those people?
[97] My apologies to everyone else.
[98] Okay.
[99] My apologies to Dame Judy Dench.
[100] God, if I only get her on the show.
[101] This gentleman is such a, I really respect his comedy mind, his writing, his abilities as a performer.
[102] And as I just also think he's an incredible person.
[103] I'm thrilled he's here.
[104] My good friend, John Mullaney, welcome.
[105] You can start whatever.
[106] It's that old chestnut.
[107] You always say mean things.
[108] Like, I feel.
[109] Everyone says mean things.
[110] All the musicians say sincere things.
[111] I know.
[112] And the comedians say mean things.
[113] Yeah.
[114] It's okay.
[115] What are you getting?
[116] You're a very good musician.
[117] Thank you.
[118] Musicians never take.
[119] It is such a big fat tea ball of a moment, this blank space.
[120] And musicians go, and I feel.
[121] I'm thrilled.
[122] And you're like, that's what you fucking got?
[123] Also, I spent...
[124] And then comedians go, like, I feel angry at this redhead prick about, you know, like, everyone has to pommel you from the beginning.
[125] It's fine.
[126] That's what I want.
[127] I feel quite excited, you know, okay.
[128] I'm a country Western star, and I feel deeply honored.
[129] Yeah, and I feel unworthy.
[130] Very pumped.
[131] Oh, okay.
[132] Well, now I'm really curious what this is going to be.
[133] Except for, of course, Jeff Goldblum.
[134] Yeah.
[135] Oh, yeah.
[136] Who set the record and Questlove both went on for, did like 20 -minute riffs that went that all over the map, and we never got into a conversation.
[137] Right.
[138] Anyway, please, you start and then we'll chat.
[139] And then we'll give you a second chance at it because this isn't going to be good.
[140] Hmm.
[141] Yeah, now I have the dilemma.
[142] I know you really put yourself in a corner.
[143] And I put him in a corner.
[144] Well, I'm just excited to find out whether you're a musician or not.
[145] He's a great, he plays the liar.
[146] Hi, I'm John Mullaney and I feel cornered about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[147] You know, you perpetually look cornered, you know.
[148] You think so?
[149] Yes, you always look like you're, you always look like you've been backed into a corner.
[150] I feel, I always feel like Peter, Lori, and M. Just a lot of, a lot of hands pointing at me. Your eyes dart from right to left, sometimes left to right.
[151] Yeah.
[152] Peter, Peter, on this next take, a hundred percent less.
[153] A hundred percent less eyes darting around.
[154] Serial killers are supposed to feel some godlike quality.
[155] He is the most nervous.
[156] Nervous serial killer of all time.
[157] I hope no one saw the murder.
[158] My friend, Jeff Martin, who wrote Well on The Simpsons with me, and we've been friends for years, he does a very specific impression, which is, you know, we all talk about older people trying to catch up to the culture, and the culture shifted so rapidly in the 60s that stars suddenly didn't, were confused.
[159] So he does an impression of Peter Lorry in 1964, months before he dies, and he's traveled the world, he's entertained kings and queens, he knows everybody, he's very continental, he's, you know, but things are changing rapidly, and he's watching, he's sitting in his armchair watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, And kids are screaming, and these guys with putting haircuts are going, who, and everyone's losing their minds.
[160] And Peter Lurie's watching it at home.
[161] And he says, what's happening?
[162] And I think about that a lot, because that's how I feel now Conan O 'Brien, age 60, watching things happen on, you know, YouTube stars and stuff.
[163] And I go, what's happening?
[164] You are Bob Hope in a Supremes wig.
[165] Yes.
[166] That's where you are in your career.
[167] You're like, this would be funny, right?
[168] This is what they want?
[169] You want this shit?
[170] My favorite is Frank Sinatra, I think, was on an appearance on a variety show with the fifth dimension.
[171] Oh, yeah.
[172] And he's wearing a Nehru jacket.
[173] Yes.
[174] And like a goofy outfit.
[175] And he's doing a goofy sketch with the fifth dimension.
[176] And they're, you know, wearing, they're wearing caftans and they have afros.
[177] And then he's, you can tell.
[178] He's saying, I have to do this because Frank always wins.
[179] Frank always comes out on top.
[180] And I am not losing to this new generation thing.
[181] I'm going to master it.
[182] This was also around the time he did a cover of John Denver's leaving on a jet plane, which is a very melancholy song.
[183] But the way Frank interpreted it, leaving your wife on a plane is the greatest.
[184] So if you listen, he goes, because I'm leaving on a jet plane.
[185] He's so excited about the trip.
[186] I don't know when the fuck I'll be back again.
[187] Ask chili when I'll be back.
[188] My parents saw the fifth dimension.
[189] My parents saw the fifth dimension like 20 years ago up in Wisconsin.
[190] And I got back away.
[191] How wasn't?
[192] They went rough.
[193] Wow.
[194] Usually parents have a pretty low bar for entertainment.
[195] They go see.
[196] It's just, oh, that was terrific.
[197] It's like, you know, Sona anytime, I'm not, this is not an attack, but Sona, anytime there'd be a screening that I would go to because a guest was coming on, I would go and see that set up a screening and I would go to watch the film so I could interview them the next day for the late night show and you would always come with me. Yeah.
[198] And I, of course, would sometimes say, oh, that was pretty good.
[199] Often would say that was okay and many times would say, man, that really didn't come together.
[200] Every single time, Sona would say, that was fantastic.
[201] Wow.
[202] And I'd say, really?
[203] And should say, yeah, I mean, people worked hard on that and they made it.
[204] That was your bar.
[205] That was my bar.
[206] If they made it, then it's really exciting for them.
[207] I'd say I give a lot.
[208] I'm a lot more on Sona's side on this one.
[209] The sheer raising of the money is impressive to me. You tricked some, I'm going to say it, Saudi, into giving you millions of dollars to make So do you also like Trump's super packs?
[210] Do you also like those?
[211] No, because that's soft money from a few major donors.
[212] Okay, okay.
[213] I would love it.
[214] I respect anyone's collected hard money, small donor dollars.
[215] John, you, I would love it if you started writing movie reviews.
[216] Because a lot of movie critics are quitting.
[217] They're famously quitting or saying, I can't review it.
[218] It's just superhero movies and movies based on board games and dolls.
[219] I'm out and they you know Where's your mean streets Where's your you know So a lot of people are Getting out of it I would love it If you started writing movie reviews And they were all based on the financing Oh my God It's all I think about You ever watch a movie And you notice like There's no extras Yeah They didn't have a dime Yeah That's Vancouver and there's no extras Just slowly They work for Tim Horton's coffee And a pancake Yeah And there's no extra There's no one in this restaurant.
[220] I love that stuff.
[221] Yeah, yeah.
[222] Okay, well, all right.
[223] I would absolutely tell.
[224] The money is the only interesting thing.
[225] Well, I, I, I, truly, let me, let me think about that before I commit to it.
[226] Yep.
[227] Well, I love that because I remember you and I once watching on the waterfront together, and I started to talk about how God Brando and this is such a new style and look how Kazan shot it.
[228] and you really get a sense of the city and you kept cutting me off and saying this was done on a shoe string and you were very, very critical.
[229] That insert, that's not his hands.
[230] That's someone else's hand.
[231] And you gave the movie zero stars out of five.
[232] Yeah, for use of money.
[233] Yeah.
[234] And you said black and white.
[235] Now, first of all, we never...
[236] I think line producers should review movies.
[237] And they go, that's an insert.
[238] That's half a day right there.
[239] that's a full day I would love that I would watch that any day that's day for night that's yeah I've always wanted to do a celebrity show that examines you had a celebrity driven talk show for a long time I thought the podcast was the start I forget it's the end you had a whole career it's the end thank you I asked someone some friend of my I was hanging around my wife has wise Alec friends and we were hanging out one night, wise Alec.
[240] Sorry.
[241] Come on, I come from a different era.
[242] The beginning of the world's worst stand -up routine.
[243] You know, my wife has watch out.
[244] Or, quite possibly the best.
[245] Quite possibly the best.
[246] A night with Conan.
[247] Wise Alec.
[248] Wise Alec.
[249] And even they have words for me. And so I think it was when cameo was first becoming big.
[250] Oh.
[251] I said, when would I do cameo?
[252] And one of her friends said, four years ago.
[253] Oh, wow.
[254] Wow.
[255] Oh, my God.
[256] I was like, all right.
[257] I married well.
[258] People are assholes.
[259] But I forgot what I was going to say because it was really good.
[260] Oh, it was so good.
[261] If you had a celebrity show.
[262] Oh, I wanted to do one where you open the books.
[263] It's called Open the Books.
[264] Yeah.
[265] And we take someone say both of us knows and we're just curious, what's their nut?
[266] Oh, my God.
[267] This is all I talk about.
[268] And, and all you talk about it.
[269] No, no, but it's, I hike Freiman and bitch about money and wonder who has.
[270] money and how.
[271] You got to get together with Dana Carvey because he does this too.
[272] Well, now I was going to tell you, Dana Carvey, and I think we've mentioned it here, but Dana Carvey is a master.
[273] He'll stare at me and he'll say, okay, I think this is what you made on the show.
[274] You didn't make that much the first couple of years, but then when it took off, I'm going to bet you made this much and he's always close.
[275] Yeah.
[276] And you'll go, and okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, I know you take care of people, but no, and then blah, blah, blah, and I know, okay, then you, okay, now I know you sold the podcast as company.
[277] Okay, but I, and I know you don't do, you don't do corporate, but you also do this.
[278] And then he'll come up.
[279] Yeah.
[280] And he's amazing at it.
[281] And so I get him to use that superpower on people that just confuse me because there are people, as you and I both know, in the business that they do okay.
[282] They get by.
[283] And then they'll pull up in like a Rolls -Royce.
[284] And I'll think, first of all, that's the wrong reference for a cool car now so that's on me well you you I said wise aleck I think you've set the bar let's all make fun of Conan's oncoming dementia but they'll pull up in like a brand new fancy car and I'm just thinking okay I want to break it down and there was a show that broke it down and said okay let's break it down and find out how this person gets by because we all know how a listers get by but how does how do these people who occasionally show up in a show but they also do gigs, but then they still live the high life.
[285] How's that work?
[286] Yeah, it should be called secret money or overspending.
[287] So we bring in someone and we decide if they are making more than we realize or if they're spending beyond their means.
[288] Yeah.
[289] Because a lot of people do spend beyond their means.
[290] Well, the host of over overspending is going to be John Levitts.
[291] Hello?
[292] Why did you, why did you buy a statue of a donkey that's made of gold?
[293] Jealous.
[294] There's always like you write speeches for Microsoft conventions or something, what I call revenue streams.
[295] There's something you don't know.
[296] There's something you don't know.
[297] Absolutely.
[298] Your little secret term is revenue stream.
[299] Revenue stream, yeah.
[300] Can I ask you a question?
[301] You have a friend of your daughter's staying with you, correct?
[302] Yes.
[303] What does she call you?
[304] She hasn't said my name.
[305] She just showed up last night.
[306] So she hasn't said, oh, hello, Mr. O 'Brien.
[307] Do the kids' friends call you Mr. O 'Brien?
[308] Well, I'm curious because, yes, because that was something that started in grade school.
[309] is that apparently the word went out, you call parents Mr. O 'Brien or Mrs. O 'Brien.
[310] And they do that.
[311] And I used to think, that's a little formal.
[312] I don't know that I need that.
[313] But the second a kid says, hey, Conan, I want to tear into their torso with like my sharpened nails, pull their heart out and eat it in front of them.
[314] Maybe an overreaction or proportionate.
[315] Thank you.
[316] Proportionate.
[317] Yeah, the minute I heard and my son wants a number of, of years ago when he was a little realized that all he had to do was say my son is quite large now and older my son is in his late 50s but my my son said okay Conan and he and I said like okay okay and he was like all right I'll try better Conan wow I'm like well it's you know I'm daddy you call me dad or daddy and he knew that it's it really does push a button he really big timed you there.
[318] Yeah.
[319] What about you?
[320] What do you want kids to call you?
[321] Mr. Mullaney.
[322] Yes.
[323] Yeah.
[324] Sometimes I say call me Dr. O 'Brien.
[325] But you're not a doctor.
[326] I'm not.
[327] Do you have, do you have honorary degrees?
[328] I don't know.
[329] Who knows those things?
[330] He does.
[331] He does.
[332] Yeah, from Dartmouth.
[333] Dartmouth.
[334] That's pretty cool, huh?
[335] Why'd you laugh then?
[336] Why'd you laugh if it's so cool?
[337] It's great.
[338] You were expecting a different school, didn't you?
[339] It's great.
[340] That Dartmouth gave you.
[341] Get the tissues.
[342] Get the tissues for Dom Deloise.
[343] Was Cornell book?
[344] I went up the blooper reel on you, ripping into different schools.
[345] I gave a speech there.
[346] It was not a prerequisite.
[347] I didn't ask for it.
[348] They gave it to me. You got a bachelor's or you got a doctorate?
[349] He got a doctorate.
[350] Wow.
[351] Was it?
[352] Arts or something?
[353] Yeah, arts.
[354] Of course, arts.
[355] Yeah.
[356] What do you mean?
[357] What do you mean?
[358] I'm a scientist.
[359] In my own way, I'm a scientist.
[360] You know, in the 1700s, you would have just taken over your dad's job and you would have been a scientist.
[361] Your dad would have dropped dead when you were 15.
[362] Yeah.
[363] Instead of still being a lot.
[364] It's insane.
[365] Yeah.
[366] It is insane.
[367] You're like 60 and you got.
[368] My dad.
[369] You're 60 and you walk around with a dad.
[370] At this point, you guys should be brothers.
[371] And a mom.
[372] You should just be brothers.
[373] My dad, my dad is 94.
[374] He fought in the Boer War.
[375] Look it up, kids.
[376] Yeah, he fought, oh, come on.
[377] And, yeah, he's still going strong.
[378] But you're right, in the olden times, where my father to, first of all, no one lived past 50.
[379] He would have dropped in the field.
[380] And I would have taken over his medical practice.
[381] And I would have been a phrenologist.
[382] I would have measured the, felt the bumps on people's heads and decided if they were sociopaths or not.
[383] Yeah.
[384] So that's the kind of.
[385] And I would have been very respected.
[386] Yeah.
[387] It would have been a better life from me. And you would have been working, you would have been training to do that from a very early age.
[388] You had no childhood.
[389] People always go, oh, poor Michael Jackson, he had no childhood.
[390] But you know who else didn't?
[391] Is anyone born before 1910?
[392] Yes.
[393] Yeah.
[394] And they didn't marry children with a giraffe as a witness.
[395] Oh, shit.
[396] This is, is that the first hard take you've heard on MJ?
[397] Yeah.
[398] You never heard.
[399] Yeah, it's a pretty sacred cow in comedy to not go after him.
[400] We now know.
[401] Wow.
[402] We now know.
[403] Sona.
[404] A lot of people have negative takes on it.
[405] We now know why John was not asked to give the eulogy at Michael Jackson's funeral.
[406] I had a nice version.
[407] No, I read your nice version.
[408] I had two versions.
[409] I read your nice version.
[410] That's exactly what the host said.
[411] I read the nice version and it leads with the whole giraffe, no childhood thing.
[412] I had a version without that and I was perfectly willing to call in an audible and switch it on the fly and the organizers knew that.
[413] But did I get led in the Staples Center?
[414] You know, I, Sona was a new hire when Michael Jackson shuffled off his mortal coil.
[415] Backwards.
[416] And, um, he moonwalked off that mortal coil.
[417] Any hoots.
[418] Sona was new.
[419] And I called her from the car.
[420] And I said, this is terrible about Michael Jackson.
[421] She said, yeah.
[422] And I said, okay.
[423] Well, here's...
[424] Was that a test?
[425] That was the final test to get hired?
[426] No. And then I said, just arrange of like a private viewing.
[427] Oh, that's so fun.
[428] And I said, I want a private viewing.
[429] And I heard her writing it down like private viewing.
[430] And I said, so just find out who we talked to at like sometime alone with Michael.
[431] And I said, I don't want to run into Tito.
[432] Yes.
[433] And I really don't want to run into the dad.
[434] And you said, and I heard you going, don't run into dad.
[435] I just started.
[436] She had just started.
[437] Yeah.
[438] So I came to work and the first thing I did was march into her office and she was starting to make calls.
[439] And I saw in her pad, she had listed all of the things that I had said.
[440] Yeah.
[441] Very dito, no Joe Jack.
[442] No, do you know, no Joe Jack.
[443] And then you said you wanted to adopt blanket.
[444] That was a separate call two days later.
[445] Okay.
[446] But I told her, no, that was just a joke.
[447] But then I called you again two days later and said, I want to, can you get in touch with my lawyer?
[448] You were like, okay.
[449] And I said, this is her name.
[450] And it should be in there.
[451] And you're like, okay.
[452] And she's going to need.
[453] to figure out.
[454] We're also going to need to talk about adoption law.
[455] And again, and I said, yeah.
[456] And she said, what's this all?
[457] And she said, I'm going to want to adopt a blanket.
[458] And she just hung up on him.
[459] So that's when I knew I had.
[460] I just started working for him.
[461] Like, I was so new.
[462] And he didn't care.
[463] I would believe you.
[464] I would believe him too.
[465] It's just a, he's a stone's throw from Michael's inner circle.
[466] I was.
[467] No, I mean, two calls and you've got two fun calls and you've got Quincy Jones or Barry Diller, someone who worked with Michael.
[468] Yes.
[469] I mean, yes.
[470] Thank you.
[471] It's Conan O 'Brien.
[472] I don't know if I was calling on him yet.
[473] Okay.
[474] No, no. I could get, that would have been fine.
[475] That would have been no problem.
[476] You wouldn't have known, I wouldn't have known at least at the ready that he didn't, you know, introduce him during the black or white tour.
[477] I wouldn't know in the, I wouldn't know at the ready that Conan didn't do that.
[478] Yes, because I was a known person when you were young.
[479] Right.
[480] And so for all you know, I partied with, you know, Al Jolson.
[481] Like, you know, pick anyone from the 1920s.
[482] You link me to all those people.
[483] Yeah.
[484] Yeah.
[485] It's very plausible.
[486] Let's talk about subjects that are near and dear to our heart.
[487] I'm a massive fan of you and your comedic stylings.
[488] Thank you, Conan.
[489] I'm a massive fan of yours.
[490] Oh, I am.
[491] I just.
[492] There's no other way to do that.
[493] an ill -timed.
[494] Wow.
[495] But I, because you, you're Oh my God.
[496] Who said, oh my God.
[497] Was that you?
[498] No. I was drinking water and I'm not that kind of ventriloquist.
[499] You talk about so many themes that I can relate to and I'm not going to mention any specific projects because we're not doing that now.
[500] We're not going to do that.
[501] We're not going to do that.
[502] But I've seen you live many times and so many times you so beautifully and perfectly and hilariously capture things that I talk about.
[503] And one of the things that you've talked about some is when you grow up in families like ours in birth order, the need for attention and the things that you will do to get attention.
[504] 100%.
[505] And I was watching you being very hilarious about the things you would do and your jealousy of other people that got attention in weird ways.
[506] And I was listening to this and thinking, I've got to mention this to John.
[507] I've got to mention to you that when I was a kid, I desperately wanted attention.
[508] Middle child didn't think I was getting it.
[509] And in class, we read the book, Death Be Not Proud, which is a true story of the author's son's battle with brain cancer.
[510] It was the writer who wrote Travels of Europe and Travels of USA.
[511] He had two books, yeah.
[512] And he, Gunther, John Gunther.
[513] And it's the story of his son battling brain cancer.
[514] And I remembered reading that book and being jealous of, and the kid loses the battle.
[515] For sure.
[516] And I read the book, and I remember thinking, that guy got out so much attention.
[517] Oh, my God.
[518] And it was like, now, do you understand that?
[519] 1 ,000 percent.
[520] Thank you.
[521] Thank you.
[522] I remember telling my mom exactly what I wanted at my funeral.
[523] And her, I had no illness.
[524] No Michael Jackson.
[525] Well, we didn't know then.
[526] There was a lot of Michael Jackson there.
[527] And she said, well, you know you're not going to be there to see it all.
[528] and I was crestfallen.
[529] I still can't get over that.
[530] That I wasn't going to get to see people listen to all the songs I picked.
[531] Right.
[532] And have the speakers come up, say what a good person I was.
[533] God damn.
[534] Can you imagine?
[535] I remember that.
[536] And I also remember going to Mass with my whole family and my grandmother came with us.
[537] And I mentioned this to you guys the other day, but I have to say this in front of John.
[538] And so I don't know how old I am.
[539] I'm like 11 or 12.
[540] And I just feel like I'm just this red -headed, round -faced, freckled blob, just lost in the sea.
[541] Like, no one's looking at me. So, and my grandmother was with us who was ancient, ancient.
[542] She was born in 18, I think she was born in like 1890.
[543] I think she was the person who shot Teddy Roosevelt when he was giving a speech.
[544] That was her claim to fame.
[545] Best political mic drop ever.
[546] Thank you.
[547] Bulls party speech.
[548] Yeah.
[549] I don't think you realize I've been shot.
[550] Everyone laughs.
[551] He goes, no, no, look.
[552] And he opens his jacket and his glasses case stop.
[553] the bullet and then he continues the speech so today that would be okay just be president let's stop fucking around trying to find someone else uh anyway my grandmother's with us we're all there in church and then there's the part where you go up and take communion and i got out and i uh feigned a limp i knew you were going to say that i faked a slight limp going up the aisle and took my communion and then did my limp on the way back and sat down on my grandmother leaned over and she said into my ear, are you lame boy?
[554] And I said, I'll be fine, bravely.
[555] It was all bullshit.
[556] Wow.
[557] Because I needed to pop in that moment.
[558] How much of that is responsible for your success?
[559] That drive.
[560] No, just that's why Lauren gave me late night.
[561] Yeah.
[562] You know, I'm concerned about his limp.
[563] Maybe a little late night experience.
[564] Lauren cast him in, Lauren was directing Richard the 3rd and gave him to leave.
[565] And then from that, from Richard the 30, he said, do you want to write the late night show?
[566] And he said, what have I hosted?
[567] Everyone was so busy that it happened.
[568] Everyone was busy.
[569] That's why.
[570] That part's kind of true.
[571] Yeah, it's a little bit.
[572] Everyone is true.
[573] That actually is true.
[574] One year I told everyone in school that my dad was Mark Summers, the host of Doubledair.
[575] And I would say these things, then I'd forget about them.
[576] Right.
[577] And then people would meet my dad and be upset.
[578] And then I would go to school and say that our house burnt down the night before just to get, just to get any traction.
[579] It was just about getting a little eye contact and a little conversation going.
[580] We're not, I don't know about you.
[581] I'm not defending any of this behavior.
[582] And this is sad, tragic behavior.
[583] I am just that when I've, until John said these things in his standup, I felt, well, I can never admit to this.
[584] But then a very well -liked professional comedian and voice of the voice of youth said the same thing and I thought, now I can talk about this.
[585] Now I can say that one of the happiest days of my life is when I shattered my elbow and had to be put in a cast.
[586] Wow.
[587] And they brought me, they, because a kid in school, we were fooling around and a kid jumped up on top of me and I fell back and put my arm back and it bent a separate peace style.
[588] Yeah, the wrong way.
[589] And they put me in what was like a 1920s comedy cast.
[590] You know, today it would be like microsurgery and then like a tiny.
[591] They put me in a cast that was made of a plaster that they used...
[592] Did it have the stick going from the arm?
[593] I wanted the stick.
[594] The stick going from forearm to rip.
[595] Yeah, from forearm to rib.
[596] That's the funniest thing.
[597] Yes.
[598] Because you wonder if there's even anything in there if it's just all plastic.
[599] Yeah.
[600] I had my real arm tied behind me. And then I had a fake cast with a stick.
[601] No, but I, and I remembered my, they gave me medication.
[602] And I remember thinking, this feels, I feel amazing.
[603] I have an incredible sense of well -being.
[604] And then I have this cast on, and they took me home, and they put me, I lived up in the attic.
[605] They put me in my, in the central, they put me on the second floor.
[606] Wow, second floor.
[607] And then Christmas, Christmas was coming soon.
[608] Christmas was coming soon.
[609] So my parents brought out gifts from me. This was like December 18th.
[610] And then all my brothers and sisters gathered around.
[611] And I thought, I hope this arm withers.
[612] Yeah.
[613] I hope this arm never heals.
[614] I just so curious, talent aside, because this is the talent side of the table, how much of that drive?
[615] He just gestured to John.
[616] Thanks, Matt.
[617] I know, I did a, yeah, I just say.
[618] What I saw was a, you pushed in, and then you scooped towards John.
[619] I took your small portion and I just hedged my bets over here.
[620] How much of that, because, you know, every kid dabbles in that.
[621] We dabbled in attention seeking, but I think at a certain point you go, okay, I got to be realistic here.
[622] But you continued on.
[623] How much of that drive is responsible for where you guys are very successful?
[624] I'm just curious.
[625] Well, you want to you take this, John?
[626] Well, I don't know.
[627] Because there's obviously talent, but what chicken or the egg?
[628] What gives you the talent, the need to, like you workshop your talent for a need for attention, or you have the talent?
[629] How did it go?
[630] Well, if you have the need for attention, the drive for attention, and then you have the delivery device of entertainment.
[631] Which comes first?
[632] That's why I think not everyone does it.
[633] maybe.
[634] Some people didn't just love entertaining and show business as much.
[635] I was always mystified by kids that didn't want to be in entertainment.
[636] Yeah.
[637] Oh, mystified.
[638] Me too.
[639] And also, I'm still mystified by people that don't want to be comedians.
[640] I'm actually still quite confused by why people don't want to be comedians.
[641] I'm not, I'm not remotely kidding.
[642] But also, I don't understand.
[643] You openly mock the guy that made like the Hubble Space Telescope.
[644] That thing?
[645] That's no good.
[646] You look in it, you just see your eyelashes.
[647] You look in the viewer, it's all eyelashes.
[648] That thing stinks.
[649] Do you have a friend with a telescope, and they make you look at, they go, you can see Saturn tonight.
[650] You look in, you see your own eyelashes.
[651] Yeah, I do.
[652] And then when they finally show it to you, it's like a dot.
[653] And you go, oh, okay.
[654] One time this happened, the guy said to me, what did you think it was going to be?
[655] I'm embarrassed to say what I thought it was going to be.
[656] And he's like, did you think it'd be a ball with rings around it?
[657] And you'd see that through the telescope?
[658] I said, yes.
[659] Absolutely.
[660] That's the whole reason for having a telescope.
[661] I can go online and look at an amazing photo of Saturn.
[662] I don't need to come over to your house and you serve this shit wine.
[663] And now I'm supposed to look at my eyelash and then a dot.
[664] And by the way, that's not guacamole.
[665] If there's not onion in it, it's not guacamole.
[666] I'm getting very specific.
[667] Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
[668] The Hubble's crap anyway.
[669] People that know about that stuff know it's crap.
[670] But I know to the public, it's a big to do.
[671] The new telescope, the web telescope.
[672] Now, that's the winner.
[673] The Webster Hubble telescope.
[674] Is it Webster?
[675] Who was Webster Hubble?
[676] Is that Reagan Bush?
[677] What is that?
[678] What is that name?
[679] That reference.
[680] Webster Hubble.
[681] I don't know that it is.
[682] Okay.
[683] I think you should maybe go.
[684] Nobody look at me. Former Attorney General.
[685] Under?
[686] From 1993 to 1994.
[687] Oh, Bill Clinton.
[688] Never mind.
[689] Incredible.
[690] Yeah, I'm not going to say that you brought us on an unproductive cul -de -sac.
[691] But I am going to say you're insistent...
[692] You know what's good about a cul -de -sac?
[693] You can drive right out of it.
[694] We know who Webster Hubble is now.
[695] You know what I mean?
[696] What bothers me is that when you entered the building, the name Webster Hubble was written on your hand, as if work this in.
[697] That's the part that concerns me. And we still haven't even gotten to see Everett Coop.
[698] I love that beard.
[699] What a great whaler he was.
[700] I want to say something else.
[701] We've talked about this subject.
[702] There's another thing that you talk about, which is likeability.
[703] I know that you, sometimes, I really love it when you break into song.
[704] Sure.
[705] Well, don't say sure.
[706] That means...
[707] No, this is good.
[708] It's a good way to show you're listening is to say little things while someone's talking about.
[709] How do we know that we're not just dropping those in?
[710] You know what I would love to do is record John doing little things like, yes.
[711] Of course.
[712] And then drop those into other people's.
[713] Anyway, I would do a thing sometimes over the years in front of the writers where, I couldn't say something to them about how I didn't like a sketch or what the flaw in the sketch was, but I could start singing a song and the song would very specifically, it would be a very chipper song, but it was a very, the lyrics were improvised and it would then very specifically get into what was wrong with the sketch.
[714] And it was like a spoonful of sugar.
[715] It's musical passive aggressive.
[716] It's incredibly passive aggressive, but the song would keep going and I would commit to it 100%, and people would be chanting along and then realize, that they had just had some, there was some lead in that dream.
[717] Right.
[718] There was some.
[719] I don't know what that is, but I've seen.
[720] It was you're born in the USA.
[721] I've, what's that?
[722] It was your born in the USA.
[723] Behind that driving beat.
[724] Reagan said, oh, well, you know, well, we'll use that as my song.
[725] And then he hadn't listened to the lyrics.
[726] And I hadn't listened, no. Yeah.
[727] They were critiquing his sketch.
[728] Yes.
[729] So my question is, I've seen you do that and I really like that.
[730] And I love the whole idea of being able to communicate truth.
[731] By just singing a song about what a waste of time Webster Hubble reference was and how we won't recover, how we won't recover.
[732] You know what I mean?
[733] And then it's just, it comes out that way in song.
[734] I'm the guy who makes references all the time, but when Malaney makes references, I shit on them and I bore my stuff with old references all the time.
[735] I mean, it's ridiculous.
[736] Yeah, exactly.
[737] Just like that.
[738] You can edit, right?
[739] I won't, but I can.
[740] No, okay.
[741] end right where I did and then put in cheers and then edit out the part where Malaney comes right back at me and it's like Edith Bunker saying maybe you're the meathead and the crowd goes crazy edit in that time multiple times you referenced Tova Borgnine Ernest's wife You had a bad divorce Did they?
[742] Tova in earnest?
[743] Really?
[744] Right?
[745] He divorced her because her forearms were bigger Wow Add more laughter there I can't do it and then some silence and then music and then more laughed.
[746] Or was Ernest Borg9 divorced from Shelley Winters?
[747] Shelly Winters.
[748] Maybe he stayed married to Toby.
[749] Okay, great.
[750] Were they married?
[751] Didn't they do Poseidon Adventure together?
[752] Shelly Winters?
[753] Shelly Winters is in Poseidon Adventure.
[754] Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
[755] Were they married at the time?
[756] Is Ernie in that?
[757] Isn't he?
[758] Ernest Borgne is in that.
[759] He plays.
[760] Yeah, Ernest Borgne is.
[761] Let's go to Smo.
[762] I doubt it's after they broke up.
[763] I actually, no joke.
[764] I think, I remember seeing the Poseidon Adventure, I think they were married in it.
[765] Yeah, he's a...
[766] I think the two...
[767] He's like...
[768] In terms of...
[769] In the movie.
[770] In the movie.
[771] Yes, they are.
[772] And then she...
[773] They're both in the movie.
[774] They're both in the movie.
[775] And they're married.
[776] And I think he's like a retired police detective or police captain.
[777] Okay.
[778] I believe.
[779] You're welcome.
[780] Nicely done.
[781] Nicely done.
[782] Yeah.
[783] So, I finally made a reference that I get.
[784] All right.
[785] Okay.
[786] Okay.
[787] Let's just take it easy.
[788] Just relax.
[789] Just relax.
[790] Let's put the knives away.
[791] Absolutely.
[792] Okay.
[793] Your attack on me, I think, was...
[794] Completely unfounded.
[795] But you talk about likeability.
[796] That's something I think about sometimes.
[797] Clearly, it's so...
[798] Well, it's funny because people that...
[799] I clearly on the podcast have shed my concern for likability.
[800] But...
[801] Yes, you have.
[802] Yeah, but I'm saying I...
[803] No, I mean, in a good way.
[804] You have, yeah.
[805] You've shown how mean you can be.
[806] Oh, please.
[807] I don't think mean, I think bravely honest.
[808] is the way I would call it.
[809] No, it's like you're a monster.
[810] You changed up pitches and you're like, oh, the whole time he's been mean.
[811] Well, we could have.
[812] Which is the big reveal for every comedian.
[813] Oh, they have contempt for so many people and so many things.
[814] Oh, that's the big.
[815] Do you know, did you guess what?
[816] That's our everyone's rosebud is a sled that says kind of mean.
[817] Yes.
[818] Yeah.
[819] Yeah, I don't...
[820] Take a second.
[821] To think about the sled?
[822] Just to collect yourself.
[823] I'm really rattled.
[824] Yeah, you're shaking up a lot.
[825] Yeah, this has been a huge revelation for me. How about that funny waiter we had at dinner a few months ago?
[826] Which waiter?
[827] At the Bel Air Hotel.
[828] I don't even look at those people.
[829] Remember how funny that waiter was?
[830] He gave you the bill.
[831] You nicely treated me to dinner.
[832] And he said, and you said, and I'm not leaving a tip.
[833] And he said, sir, I'm expecting something.
[834] absolutely amazing.
[835] He had like Bob Balaband timing.
[836] Yes, he had perfect timing.
[837] Yeah, he was great.
[838] He was very good.
[839] I forgot.
[840] We had a good time, didn't we?
[841] Did we see any famous people that night?
[842] We saw John Mellencamp from a distance.
[843] I didn't see him.
[844] He was blocked.
[845] I saw him.
[846] I saw his profile.
[847] We saw, and we knew the guy he was with.
[848] That's right.
[849] We did know the guy.
[850] I had a large gum abscess worked on that day, so my face had like a golf ball in it.
[851] People in the restaurant thought I had struck you.
[852] I know.
[853] really did look like that.
[854] My face was swollen up, but it didn't hurt.
[855] And I didn't want to cancel dinner because he's so hard to get to nail down plans with.
[856] Ever since he got married, yeah.
[857] When I knew him pre -Liza, it was like, we were like, you know, uh, oh, the times we had.
[858] Oh, yeah, we were like, Birch Schneider and, uh, and, uh, Dip Kibler.
[859] Yeah.
[860] Yeah.
[861] Uh, we were like BBS.
[862] We were like those guys.
[863] No, we were, they used to call, seriously.
[864] They used to us the wolf pack.
[865] Oh, right.
[866] The two of you.
[867] Well, there was another, I don't know if they want to mention the, we should mention the name on Mike.
[868] It's your call more than mine.
[869] You go, you say it.
[870] No, I know.
[871] Come on, we know it's Tova Borgman.
[872] It is not Tova Borgna.
[873] But it was you, me, Alex Trebek, who's not around anymore to.
[874] It's not around anymore, yeah.
[875] Well, he's not, he's...
[876] That's a good way to say.
[877] Well, I'm sorry, he's not.
[878] We were young, we were young, we had fun.
[879] We had so much fun.
[880] I tore it up.
[881] And there are whole areas of New York I can't go to anymore.
[882] Right.
[883] We'd close out Jones on third.
[884] Yeah.
[885] It's a lunch place.
[886] People around the world, people around the world, that's a calm lunch place.
[887] It's real chill.
[888] A bunch of Southern California is here.
[889] It's lovely.
[890] No, whatever.
[891] But then, yes, I got married and I settled down.
[892] And then you got all, you were like a baby about the whole thing.
[893] I stomped my feet at the wedding.
[894] He did.
[895] He did a full -on rumple stiltskin.
[896] He was going up and down.
[897] Jumping up and down.
[898] Jumping up and down.
[899] Stombing in dirty cowboy boots.
[900] A little cloud raised up.
[901] But when you realized that I had this mean streak, did it endure you to me or were you disgusted?
[902] No, I knew the first time...
[903] There's also the only two choices.
[904] Endeared me to you.
[905] But when I would do stand -up on late night, I got to meet you on the show and then I got to talk to you after.
[906] And you were talking about...
[907] You were shitting on the other guests to me. I was thrilled.
[908] You know, you said it was like wrestling.
[909] a cat trying to get an interview out of someone.
[910] And I love to know that you had great contempt for your other guests.
[911] Oh, yes.
[912] It's almost, you'd need to be lobotomized to, to interview people every single night and just be delighted by everybody.
[913] It's not possible.
[914] But also, I knew I could talk to you about it.
[915] Yes, immediately that was quite an honor to me is that you felt you could, you could, um, you could say nasty things about other people to me, which you could and you can.
[916] Yeah.
[917] That's sweet.
[918] That's really sweet.
[919] It's one of the greatest gifts you can give a young man that your mentor is to let him know how small you are on the inside what a little yeah little prick you are yeah what a nosy neighbor gossip you are I'm not the only one you know what's funny uh what what was a question do you have good neighbors do you have nosy neighbors that snoop I have nosy neighbors that know that uh lies as a witch oh because they've been peering through the hedges yeah wait no but I love people then there are people that are able to you know our mutual friend who we both adore Martin Short, he's so mean.
[920] He can be so mean and incisively mean about people and situations and gossipy.
[921] But he also has incorporated that into his onstage.
[922] Oh, my God.
[923] And no one's done it better.
[924] And no one's done it better.
[925] And he's, he's so, do you know what I mean?
[926] He's.
[927] Yeah.
[928] I think aren't all comedians mean, sorry.
[929] I mean, there's always, there seems to be a mean streak and mean, mean meaning, um, not cruel.
[930] Yeah.
[931] If there's a joke.
[932] How would you describe it?
[933] Like if you're with a group of comedians and they can make a joke about you that's mean, but they'll know it's, it'll get a laugh.
[934] They'll do it.
[935] They'll do it 10 times out of 10.
[936] Yes.
[937] Yeah.
[938] All right.
[939] I was going to say.
[940] Nate Bargatsy once described doing standup for people that don't know what standup is.
[941] He did it at a award thing for his father.
[942] And he said, they don't know I'm a comedian, so it just seems like a mean speech.
[943] And it is.
[944] It's like these are, you have these prepared remarks where you're shit.
[945] sitting on products and people and the city you're in.
[946] And it really is, that's all it is.
[947] It's just a mean speech.
[948] So someone did a mashup online of all the times Marty's come on the late night show.
[949] And he would always do the same thing.
[950] You know, he'd come out the first 10 minutes, which was just delightful and delicious for me, was him tearing into me with all these prepared, beautiful jabs, really going to town.
[951] And I would just be dissolving.
[952] It's just a pile of mush.
[953] I was so happy.
[954] And then we'd move on.
[955] And someone put together a mashup of all of the best Marty Rosts of Conan, and it's online somewhere.
[956] And Marty, who I hung out with recently, said that he went online because someone told him, it's really funny, Marty.
[957] You've got to check it out.
[958] And it's had a lot of clicks.
[959] So he went online to look at it.
[960] And the first comment was, doesn't he know Conan could tear him fucking limb from limb?
[961] Oh, my God.
[962] Like, he's six, four.
[963] Don't you?
[964] And Marty was just like, what?
[965] Like, Conan's just barely restraining himself.
[966] No!
[967] Doesn't he know he could tear him limb from limb?
[968] Doesn't he know him he could tear him limb from limb?
[969] But Conan's just showing great restraint?
[970] Great grace.
[971] Yeah.
[972] Everyone in the studio audience was always going while.
[973] Conan is showing great grace to this petty little man. This petty little elf is just taunting Conan.
[974] But Conan with his coiled steel muscles.
[975] Keep it up, short.
[976] He'll be using your hands for ashtraying.
[977] I just, I don't know.
[978] It just was like, oh, okay, that's the essence of not understanding.
[979] I would like to make one thing clear, because we're talking about how mean we are.
[980] I have to say it.
[981] I don't, I'm not mean to anybody out in the world that I encounter.
[982] Oh, right.
[983] And I'm serious.
[984] We were all holding, like, you're not mean to.
[985] No, no, no, I know.
[986] To strangers.
[987] Do we feel this is lost on any?
[988] I mean, I don't think.
[989] No, no. Because I'm going to hear about it.
[990] I'm going to hear like, hey, I, so apparently you're the worst guy that ever lived.
[991] Now I'm back to your neighbors.
[992] Who are you around that's going to yell these things at you?
[993] You always get the paper on the front lawn and people yell things?
[994] I do.
[995] I go and I walk out like Tony Soprano and I get the paper.
[996] Yeah.
[997] I'm always in the same robe that Tony Soprano.
[998] I bought it from the Gandalfini estate.
[999] Hey, more travel shows.
[1000] Less interviews, Conan.
[1001] Yeah.
[1002] Stick to what you're good at.
[1003] The travel stuff is working.
[1004] I like the travel stuff.
[1005] Most stuff with the guy Jordan.
[1006] Is he even real?
[1007] Yeah.
[1008] I just want to clear it up that...
[1009] I want to clear up that you're a very nice fellow with a...
[1010] That's nice to you to say.
[1011] I think because we have such an outlet for our anger and disdain that most of the time we're very even killing nice, I'd say.
[1012] Yes.
[1013] That's an accurate state.
[1014] I would agree.
[1015] I would absolutely agree.
[1016] I think I've been kind to you when people were watching.
[1017] Sona, when people are looking, I'm kind to you.
[1018] No, you're not.
[1019] You're not.
[1020] You're right.
[1021] You're brutal to her on this show.
[1022] On the show.
[1023] You were brutal to me on camera when you had your late night show.
[1024] But occasionally I'll notice that we're in public and I'll do some performative nice thing if I think someone might see it.
[1025] No. I'm saying if I think people are watching, I'm good at replicating kindness.
[1026] Isn't that a great thing?
[1027] Yeah.
[1028] Well, what about you?
[1029] Have you made progress in caring about whether people care about your...
[1030] Listen to yourself.
[1031] Listen to yourself.
[1032] You can't even get it out.
[1033] Have you made progress in caring about people?
[1034] No, no, about what people think about.
[1035] What people think about me?
[1036] Yes.
[1037] Yes, I have made progress.
[1038] It would be, I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all what people think about me. But I've made a lot of progress.
[1039] Right.
[1040] That is, I would say, the cycle is also shorter now.
[1041] Yes.
[1042] Oh my God, I said the wrong thing.
[1043] Those people probably hate me. Now they probably don't.
[1044] They probably give me the benefit of doubt over.
[1045] Yes.
[1046] That helps me because I think I've made similar progress in that way.
[1047] I used to worry too much.
[1048] And if you had asked me 10 years ago, what's one thing you would change about yourself?
[1049] I would say I would very much like to not care what people think of me. Yeah.
[1050] Even today coming in, I saw Andy, then I saw Jeff Ross.
[1051] And five years ago, I would have gone, oh, I'm going to say hi, but they don't want to talk to me. They have stuff to do.
[1052] They're annoyed.
[1053] They have to talk to me. They're annoyed.
[1054] They have to talk to me. And now I walk in.
[1055] I'm annoyed to talk to them.
[1056] And you should be.
[1057] The shoes really on the other foot.
[1058] John Malaney now.
[1059] I'm not submitting.
[1060] writer packets to Jeff Ross anymore.
[1061] I don't give his shit.
[1062] Well, first of all, you should never have been submitting writer packets to Jeff Ross.
[1063] Would you think, Jeff, pretty good?
[1064] It seems like it's typed.
[1065] I was giving them to Frank Smiley.
[1066] Was that not the right category?
[1067] Frank Smiley.
[1068] Frank Smiley.
[1069] Yeah.
[1070] But you still, he shouldn't have been submitting a writer packet to him either.
[1071] I was just, I was giving them to Dan Blyer and props.
[1072] I think your, I think your approach was all wrong.
[1073] All right.
[1074] That's why I didn't get the big gig.
[1075] I submitted three packets to that fire extinguisher.
[1076] I don't understand what happened.
[1077] And the receptionist at 30 Rock, or was it 50 Rock, knew I gave her explicit instructions.
[1078] These are my ideas, ma 'am.
[1079] Deliver them to Mr. O 'Brien.
[1080] You're at a dental hygienist office.
[1081] These go to Conan O 'Brien.
[1082] Well, you know what?
[1083] I'm not allowed to mention.
[1084] Do you care what people think about you?
[1085] you less as you get older?
[1086] Yes.
[1087] I still care, but I care less.
[1088] Yeah.
[1089] Because I know that I'm just going to go away, crumble, turn to ash.
[1090] It'll all be over.
[1091] How do you really deal with it?
[1092] Don't do a bit.
[1093] Don't do a bit?
[1094] Don't do a bit about how you deal with it.
[1095] How I deal with what, exactly?
[1096] Let's talk about it.
[1097] Death or criticism?
[1098] How you deal with whether you think people like you or not?
[1099] Well, I've talked about this before.
[1100] I'd do a bit, actually.
[1101] No, no, I'm going to.
[1102] I guess what I do.
[1103] There it is.
[1104] There it is.
[1105] All right.
[1106] Sorry.
[1107] No. I've mentioned this a couple of times before, but when I was a kid, I wrote E .B. White a letter, and he wrote me back.
[1108] In his return letter.
[1109] In a spider web, he wrote it?
[1110] He wrote it in a spider web.
[1111] He just had to do it, didn't you?
[1112] He just had to do it.
[1113] With a goddamn pig?
[1114] This is from the guy that lectured me. Let's hear the real story cone.
[1115] and no bits.
[1116] Let's hear the real story.
[1117] I didn't say I wasn't going to do bits.
[1118] Oh, that's true.
[1119] You never agreed to that.
[1120] Never.
[1121] Anyway, his response was...
[1122] What was your letter to him saying?
[1123] Well, I can only deduce that from reading his return letter because it was so many years ago.
[1124] And since then, the E .B. White, like, Foundation has found the letter.
[1125] But, whoa.
[1126] Anyway, he says some nice things about my letter, and then he says, as for your question, if you're concerned about criticism, you're going to have a tough go as it as a writer.
[1127] I was telling him I was interested in writing.
[1128] But you wanted no criticism.
[1129] I need a very long wish.
[1130] I know.
[1131] I'm telling you, this is what I was worried about, was being criticized.
[1132] I said, I don't handle criticism very well.
[1133] I'm afraid of it.
[1134] And he was basically telling me, you need to get over that.
[1135] I'm going to die soon, and you're going to be a talk show host anyway.
[1136] You're never going to be a writer of note.
[1137] We'll pivot away from writing as soon as you can.
[1138] As soon as you can and squander it in a foolish medium.
[1139] So that's what, I know that it was near and dear to my heart.
[1140] And I'm not going to lie, though.
[1141] I think if someone has the wrong impression of me, it's hurtful.
[1142] But I, as you go on, I think as you know, when you have kids, things change a little bit.
[1143] I think having kids is a huge reset because you think, well, as long as they're okay, then.
[1144] Yep, there's that.
[1145] And also, oh, I've met the person.
[1146] I, I now know the person that I want to make laugh.
[1147] and like the only you know it's not the only i like other people in my life but if there's someone's eyes i want to see light up it's his my son when i get home so yeah it does and all my anxieties are poured into him as well in a good way i think yeah and also being a parents made me dumb so my thoughts are extremely simple and they're just kind of on a 20 -month -old level and that has made me 1 ,000 times have you are you funny to a almost 2 year old very yeah and i am phenomenal at baseball to him.
[1148] I can hit a baseball far that.
[1149] You wouldn't believe how far I can hit a wiffle ball.
[1150] He has said things like, whoa.
[1151] And dad, I do that.
[1152] Yeah.
[1153] I do remember.
[1154] I think it was my, maybe it was my daughter when she was like two or three watching me sink some baskets and seeing her face think he's maybe the greatest athlete that's ever lived.
[1155] I'm just picturing you bringing her in a stroller to a public court.
[1156] in New York City and then you stand at the free throw line taking shot after shot.
[1157] She was in the sun and I there's a little thing that you can, a little hood that you can pull over but I didn't do it because I thought it would obscure her view of my shots and the fact that I made two out of 11 impressed her and then she was very sick from heat stroke.
[1158] The point is I'm a really good guy.
[1159] No, I can't even I used to spin out about so many things and I used to want to be so clever and wanted to be this curated little prick and I now have nothing in my head except, yeah, Malcolm do that.
[1160] All right.
[1161] Yeah, baseball.
[1162] He wakes up he wakes up at 4 .50 a .m. Every night when he goes to bed, I go, what time are you going to wake up?
[1163] And he goes, Sabin, and we both laugh.
[1164] And then he goes, deal.
[1165] We say deal and we shake.
[1166] And then he gets in bed.
[1167] I wakes up at 450.
[1168] I unzip him at 450.
[1169] This happened two Wednesdays ago.
[1170] And he goes, baseball!
[1171] Immediately, I go, you want to play?
[1172] Game.
[1173] So I take him out, get him out of his sleep sack.
[1174] Now he and I are in the front yard, 510 a .m. In pajamas and jackets.
[1175] And I take the ball and I put it on the tee.
[1176] And he's holding a wiffle ball bat and he goes, two bats.
[1177] So I hand him another bet.
[1178] Now he has two.
[1179] Then I had to buy a third because when we play, he likes two bats.
[1180] So I need mine.
[1181] And I put the ball on.
[1182] And he go, Dad, I do.
[1183] And I go, dad, I do.
[1184] smack that wiffle ball so far.
[1185] And he goes, yeah, good job.
[1186] I go, yeah, good job.
[1187] I put a ball on for him.
[1188] And I go, Malcolm, do that.
[1189] He goes, yeah, Malcolm do that.
[1190] He hits the ball, which means he hits his hand holding the bat against the T. And the ball falls off.
[1191] And I go, yeah, good job.
[1192] He goes, yeah, good job.
[1193] Malcolm, good job.
[1194] And we're just two morons at five in the morning.
[1195] The floodlights are, like, ring camera lights are going off.
[1196] It's so early.
[1197] The way he's saying baseball makes it sound like he wants to, like he makes it sound like he wants to bet on baseball oh yeah yeah like baseball yeah we bet on baseball he came from a time machine to bet on baseball yes as we all did like i i used to need so much to feel any kind of happiness in the day if i see a garbage truck with him now we're both so psyched it's like seeing a celebrity we hide behind a garbage can and we watch it like in odd silence like we're two women who see Courtney Cox at the grove.
[1198] We just walk barefoot, still in pajamas and jackets, following the garbage truck, holding a wiffle ball back.
[1199] And you look at the thing, come out and grab the kid.
[1200] Yeah, I love that.
[1201] No one impersonates a garbage truck better than me in my son's eyes.
[1202] In your son's eyes.
[1203] And he goes, shik -ch -ch -c -c -c -c -c -c.
[1204] Now, at home, you can yell garbage truck all day long.
[1205] that's something you yell like if you get into water and it's cold you go yeah garbage truck but when you're following the garbage truck he and i have never discussed this but we have a mutual understanding you do not yell garbage truck at the garbage truck like that would be disrespectful yes there's an etiquette there's some strange unspoken etiquette there's a garbage truck yes and he understands that yeah so i'm a bad interview these days and i'm not as fun to talk to at parties because everything's so simplified, both loving my son and being on his level.
[1206] If this is a bad interview, then I wish all my interviews were just dreadful.
[1207] How kind?
[1208] Can't you be real for a second?
[1209] No, that was awful.
[1210] That was dreadful what you just did.
[1211] That was dreadful.
[1212] Thank you.
[1213] You said it like a horse.
[1214] I'm so kind.
[1215] I'm going to wrap this up, but I am going to tell you, something I'm told you before, which is you are a constant source of, uh, I don't know, joy to me. Anyway, I just absolutely love what you do.
[1216] And I've said this before.
[1217] I love your mind and your writing and, uh, you're performing of comedy.
[1218] And it makes me feel good about things and about the way stuff is headed.
[1219] And, uh, I am so happy for you that you're finding peace and having a good time.
[1220] Thanks, man. With, uh, with your family.
[1221] I just, I don't know.
[1222] It's a nice day for me when I get to sit here and trade stupidity with you.
[1223] It's a joy for me. Thank you, Conan.
[1224] You're my absolute hero.
[1225] So you saying that means more than I can say in words.
[1226] Now, say it again.
[1227] Say it again as a horse.
[1228] All right.
[1229] Thank you, sir.
[1230] Thank you.
[1231] I've been feeling badly about something, which is that...
[1232] Do you feel badly about anything?
[1233] Do you feel anything?
[1234] I've read enough to know about that humans do feel badly about things, and that if I emulate that feeling, then other humans will feel closer to me. So, based on that knowledge, and then I've got to leave and report back to the beings on my planet, as you know, Matt, Gourley had a birthday a while ago, a big birthday.
[1235] And I was proud of myself because I found.
[1236] a gift that I thought was great, like, this is a perfect Matt goarly gift.
[1237] And I order it.
[1238] I'm, you know, look, let's face it.
[1239] I'm a little long in the tooth.
[1240] I've been around for a while.
[1241] So I'm not as accustomed to buying things.
[1242] Like, yeah, I'll buy things on Amazon.
[1243] But when you're buying things bespoke items and special items from other people, I'm not used to this concept that then they ship it from their home and you wait for it.
[1244] You know, that whole.
[1245] Yeah.
[1246] Yeah.
[1247] And this, package never showed up.
[1248] And then I'm sure Gorley was thinking, yeah, right, you fucking got me a gift.
[1249] Yeah.
[1250] But I did.
[1251] And my assistant can confirm that he did that.
[1252] Because even though I'm pretending, I did all this, he was the one who fucked this up.
[1253] No, no, he really did.
[1254] But it didn't happen.
[1255] Now, fortunately, insurance paid for it.
[1256] So I took that money, went back to the person, they said they did have another one.
[1257] What a sucker I am.
[1258] I could have done this like 15.
[1259] times.
[1260] I know.
[1261] You went back to the person?
[1262] Yes, went back to the person because it wasn't their fault.
[1263] It was somewhere along the shipping.
[1264] So somewhere out there, there's just a set of four brass pineapple cups.
[1265] They're not out there.
[1266] They're in someone's house.
[1267] Yeah, someone has them.
[1268] Yeah, someone.
[1269] No, trust me, you can go to my house and you'll see those cups.
[1270] But I had those months before I got you yours.
[1271] David Hopping, would you come in, please?
[1272] Are you prepared to come in?
[1273] This is interesting.
[1274] By the time this goes out, this will be late August, maybe even This is for your 51st birthday.
[1275] Okay, it makes more sense.
[1276] Here you go.
[1277] Mine's May 21.
[1278] So why don't you check it out and tell me if you think this was a good choice or not?
[1279] Hi, David.
[1280] Wow.
[1281] This is, these are gorgeous.
[1282] David, when we never got, they said there was going to be an investigation.
[1283] Yeah.
[1284] And then we never heard anything about it.
[1285] I don't think there was an investigation.
[1286] Yeah.
[1287] All right.
[1288] Well, we just got the refund.
[1289] At least you got the refund, exactly.
[1290] Could I have the refund as well?
[1291] Well, this is the refund.
[1292] We spent the refund.
[1293] Did you yell at anyone?
[1294] No, I got to avoid confrontation like I love.
[1295] Oh, good, okay.
[1296] I would have called and yelled at someone.
[1297] Oh, I hate confronting people.
[1298] I know.
[1299] I don't think there's anything in there.
[1300] I just keep going.
[1301] Wait a minute, bait.
[1302] Oh, my God.
[1303] I believe from the 19...
[1304] These are old, olden, and...
[1305] Now, I can see you, can't you see that being on the next summer smores?
[1306] That's so cute.
[1307] Where's my present?
[1308] Hey, I get one, too.
[1309] Oh, there's four of one.
[1310] Yes.
[1311] There's, uh, I love that you have too ready to go like a cooking show.
[1312] Yeah, yeah.
[1313] These already have drinks in them, but.
[1314] Wow.
[1315] Delicate.
[1316] Yeah.
[1317] And they, uh, I think these are going to look really good.
[1318] They will match your house.
[1319] These are wonderful.
[1320] Because it's got a, they've got a real cool sort of little bit kitsy, mid -century vibe.
[1321] But I actually think they're, I usually think they're handsome.
[1322] Thank you very much, sincerely.
[1323] Sorry for the delay.
[1324] No problem.
[1325] There is an investigation, an ongoing.
[1326] Oh, I got to move paper out of the way.
[1327] That's something David should have done, but I'll do it.
[1328] I guess host has to do everything.
[1329] Oh, let me help.
[1330] Just kidding.
[1331] So there, problem rectify.
[1332] And then Sona, you had a big birthday recently.
[1333] And I'm getting you this ice tea with no sugar in it.
[1334] It was out in the kitchen.
[1335] Oh, yay.
[1336] You know what?
[1337] It's room temp, too.
[1338] Yes.
[1339] Thank you so much for my lovely gift.
[1340] Cheers, guys.
[1341] Oh, sorry.
[1342] No, that's Sonas.
[1343] One right in front of you.
[1344] Where's mine?
[1345] Oh, there's mine.
[1346] You can't cheers with an empty glass.
[1347] Oh, yeah.
[1348] It's bad luck.
[1349] Yeah, you also can't walk under a ladder.
[1350] You need to get massive quantities of rum in here.
[1351] Yeah.
[1352] We have alcohol.
[1353] You can't cheers an empty glass.
[1354] Did we?
[1355] Yeah.
[1356] You can't take a shot in this glass.
[1357] You can if you do it big enough.
[1358] I'll be back.
[1359] Are we going to get fucked up?
[1360] See you, David.
[1361] I will say to refresh you in one of the chill chums episode, you did tell David that he should yell.
[1362] Oh, I did.
[1363] Yeah.
[1364] I was a big, not a yeller.
[1365] Can I tell something as an ex.
[1366] This is from experience.
[1367] Sona was the on point assistant for a long time doing all that kind of stuff and for years.
[1368] And I would hear her because I am non -confrontational.
[1369] I'm a master of passive aggression.
[1370] Yeah.
[1371] Oh, yeah.
[1372] Okay.
[1373] We've talked about this already.
[1374] Yeah.
[1375] But I don't let people have it like that.
[1376] And you would dismantle people over the phone who had screwed something up.
[1377] Whoever the shipping company was would have paid for the new glasses.
[1378] That's just what I would have probably ended up doing.
[1379] Also, your Armenian uncle would have visited them.
[1380] And that's all we'll say.
[1381] That's all we're going to say, right?
[1382] You know what?
[1383] Maybe.
[1384] Maybe.
[1385] The threat would have been dangling in the air.
[1386] Yeah.
[1387] It's okay, though.
[1388] Are we really getting alcohol?
[1389] Are we really drinking?
[1390] The corner said someone shoved garlic cloves into his nose and mouth and suffocated him.
[1391] That's Uncle Brozies calling card.
[1392] Oh, Strozy and Brozy.
[1393] What's up, Strozy Brozy and Brozy?
[1394] You're my Strozy Brozy Brozy.
[1395] Instead of a horse's head, there's just some really good hummus you wake up in the bed.
[1396] Ah!
[1397] Oh!
[1398] You got Strosy, bro?
[1399] This is delicious.
[1400] You got Strosy and Don't strozy me, bro.
[1401] Wait, what happened?
[1402] I woke up and there was hummus in my bed.
[1403] Was it delicious?
[1404] Yes.
[1405] Strosy!
[1406] Good thing I had some PETA by the bed.
[1407] Why?
[1408] Always keep PETA by the bed in case you get the Strosi death rat from your Armenian uncle.
[1409] Wait, are we really waiting for alcohol to come?
[1410] Yeah, yeah.
[1411] Wait, we are?
[1412] And, you know, I just got back from a trip where I had lots of cocktails and I'm going to go do a dry August, but I'll make an exception for this.
[1413] Well, day two.
[1414] He went one day.
[1415] It's August 2nd.
[1416] Oh, Jesus, what is that?
[1417] All we can find is this.
[1418] What the Irish whiskey?
[1419] I'm good.
[1420] Who brought this?
[1421] Can you just put a Coke zero in mine?
[1422] Yeah.
[1423] Yeah, someone brought that.
[1424] I really, I can't have.
[1425] Who was it?
[1426] Was it Randall Park?
[1427] Yes, it was Randall Park.
[1428] Whatever happened to Randall Park Warned on that trail alone Whatever happened to Gene and Rex Roy in Texas the Durango Kid Oh this is nice I love it these haven't been washed Ooh 1952 dust Taste the Edsel Dust that voted for Eisenhower Oh wow It was wrapped up in so much paper I don't know where that paper Did you wash these?
[1429] You didn't wash these did you?
[1430] I don't know we were going to be drinking out of that.
[1431] Neither did I. You took it out of the packaging.
[1432] We just took glasses from the 1950s that were shipped to us from a hoarder, unwrapped them, poured liquid into them, and started drinking.
[1433] Well, that's why you should put alcohol in it to kill the germs.
[1434] You haven't lived until you've had in asbestos cocktail.
[1435] Yeah.
[1436] There is dust on this.
[1437] You've got to get a little bit of whiskey in there.
[1438] You can't?
[1439] No. Let's just say my dry August started before August.
[1440] Oh, my God.
[1441] Shaves his chest won't take a drink.
[1442] That's real good That's really good Boy, that's a good diet soda I'm just gonna put a little more in there she goes Wait, did you guys cheers?
[1443] Oh yeah, cheers That's why we, that's why we filled it up in the trunk Oh, but now we're out What?
[1444] Well, here we go Cheers, cheers, happy birthday, late Shoes, chin chin Salu Mm -hmm Daddy's milk Oh wow, sweet Papa's milk Yum. Okay, that legally is a segment.
[1445] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[1446] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[1447] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[1448] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1449] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1450] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1451] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1452] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1453] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[1454] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
[1455] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.
[1456] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1457] Got a question for Conan?
[1458] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1459] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1460] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.