Armchair Anonymous: Failed Romantic Pursuit

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dick Harrington.

[5] I'm joined by Peggy Putstow.

[6] Hello.

[7] Hi there.

[8] I think people can listen to this one for a change.

[9] This is, of course, failed romantic pursuits.

[10] Yes, you can listen.

[11] Yeah, yay, finally.

[12] We got one you can listen to.

[13] You cannot listen to next week.

[14] Oh, is it next weeks?

[15] I don't know.

[16] Well, an upcoming episode is, I don't even know why we'll put it out, but.

[17] Oh, God.

[18] You can listen to most of it, just not the laugh.

[19] That's true.

[20] You'll be able to listen to three of the four.

[21] But we're not there yet.

[22] We're not there yet.

[23] We are at Failed Romantic Pursuits, which you are free to listen to and enjoy.

[24] Please do.

[25] Shane, you're a fan of I'm ever one thing You gotta know I'm gonna keep him shining Shane You were talking to Shane And Shane You're a fan of Max Verstappan, I see I am I actually went to Monsa No With the Tofosi this past weekend, yeah How was it?

[26] It was a blast To see him win the record And then the Ferrari fans are just a time And we got to rush the racetrack after, which is a good time.

[27] The entire crowd gets on the track and walks the track, right?

[28] Yes.

[29] I've been listening to the F1 podcast.

[30] It's been like a pre -race weekend ritual, and it's been really fun.

[31] I'm really enjoying it.

[32] Oh, thank you.

[33] I'm so happy to hear that.

[34] We're going to keep doing it.

[35] Where are you at in the country?

[36] So I'm currently in Boston, but I'm originally from Los Angeles.

[37] Boy, let me put my thinking cap on.

[38] If you're from Los Angeles and you're employed in Boston, you're in education.

[39] No. What field are you?

[40] I'm in software sales.

[41] Oh, okay.

[42] Shane, you have an embarrassing, failed romantic pursuit?

[43] I think it fits the bill pretty well.

[44] Okay.

[45] Please, walk us through it.

[46] This story takes place in the summer of 2010 in Los Angeles.

[47] I was entering my freshman year of high school.

[48] I had just grown a few inches.

[49] I used to have the like Justin Bieber, Zach Efron, flippy haircut.

[50] That's now gone.

[51] So I'm feeling good.

[52] I'm feeling optimistic.

[53] And over the summer, my friends and I would go to the beach.

[54] And we met a group of girls.

[55] A girl in particular, I grew to have a massive crush on.

[56] And for the sake of the story, we will call her Rachel.

[57] Rachel.

[58] And what beach were you guys hanging at?

[59] I'm curious.

[60] I'm from the South Bay.

[61] Manhattan, Redondo, all that.

[62] Yeah, they get pretty packed.

[63] So there's a lot of activity there.

[64] We met this friend group a few times.

[65] And I think it's worth noting the high school dynamic at this stage.

[66] Rachel and her friend group are a year above me, and I would very much classify them as your kind of cliche, popular click.

[67] And did they go to your high school?

[68] Yes, they went to my high school.

[69] Oh, wonderful.

[70] Okay.

[71] And then I'm the year below, and I would not categorize myself as part of that in crowd, but I had friends in that group.

[72] I was an athlete.

[73] I think, Monica, I've heard you.

[74] Scholar athlete.

[75] It's a very specific niche.

[76] Yes, I was an AP.

[77] classes.

[78] I was a competitive soccer player.

[79] I took some drama classes.

[80] You're like close but not quite there.

[81] So it's not the most outlandish concept that you could maybe win someone over, but still very much the outside.

[82] I muster up the courage.

[83] I eventually get her number.

[84] We start texting.

[85] Things are going well.

[86] It's a little flirty.

[87] Nothing crazy.

[88] And then right when things would otherwise be picking up, I have to go abroad because my travel soccer team qualified for an internet.

[89] international soccer tournament in Europe.

[90] Oh, my gosh.

[91] What a charmed life.

[92] Yeah.

[93] You're hanging at the beach in the day.

[94] You're going to Europe.

[95] You're hanging out with people cooler than you somehow.

[96] This is a home run so far.

[97] For now.

[98] So I get the chance to go abroad.

[99] Obviously, it's a good opportunity.

[100] But my mindset is just like things were just getting going.

[101] How am I going to try to continue up the conversation with Rachel?

[102] So this was 2010.

[103] Like Snapchat wasn't a thing.

[104] You couldn't.

[105] do international call texting, at least I couldn't.

[106] And so I decide I'm going to reach out to her over Facebook when I get to Europe.

[107] So we get there.

[108] And the way the setup breaks down, there is just a single communal desktop computer that we all have to share.

[109] It was meant to be used for us to send messages home to our parents.

[110] And we were only given an hour of free time a day because we were playing.

[111] So I say, you know, what a great opportunity to send Rachel a message over Facebook and see if I can keep the spark going.

[112] So I send her a note.

[113] Don't think anything of it.

[114] Next day, 24 hours goes by.

[115] I hop on.

[116] I see a notification from Rachel.

[117] And it is a fully fledged, formal, romantic love letter that she has written me. It says, Dear Shane, it's like two to three paragraphs of her just telling me how much she likes me, how she can't wait for me to get back.

[118] And I'm just beaming.

[119] Oh, you're singing.

[120] Yeah.

[121] floating.

[122] I'm like, things could not be going better.

[123] How many times did you read it?

[124] 20?

[125] I think I read through it a few times, but I have a line of teammates behind me just waiting their turn.

[126] They see it, though.

[127] So, you know, summer hyping me up, some are busting my chops and I'm just over the moon.

[128] So I decide I'm going to continue the bit, and I write her back a very formal, sappy love letter.

[129] Dear Rachel, it's a few paragraphs long, I'm sharing my affection for her, et cetera.

[130] So this continues the entire two weeks that I'm there every single day, back and forth a love letter.

[131] And in preparation for this call, I went back and I found all of them.

[132] Oh, my gosh.

[133] And as you can imagine, it's the cringiest thing that you could read.

[134] I hope no one has to see the game they thought they were spitting in high school.

[135] Yeah, you're in ninth grade.

[136] Yeah, it's very dramatic.

[137] You'd have thought I was like off at war.

[138] Yeah.

[139] My state of mind is very much, I'm going to go back home.

[140] I'm going to get this girl to be my girlfriend.

[141] I'm entering high school, dating an older girl.

[142] I'm on top.

[143] Like, things cannot be going better.

[144] So I get back.

[145] I send her message to meet up, and it's just radio silence.

[146] Uh -oh.

[147] I'm a little nervous, but I think, okay, I'm sure something.

[148] something happened, I'll wait a few days, I try to reach out again.

[149] I don't hear from her, so I go back on Facebook.

[150] I send her a message, and the tone is very different than what it had been at this point.

[151] She's making up excuses.

[152] She said her phone got taken away.

[153] And at this stage, it's very clear to me that something is up, but I don't truly understand what is going on.

[154] Oh, no. Later this week, I go online, and I see her post a photo with a a new boyfriend.

[155] Yeah.

[156] Older, popular, in -crowd, kind of just what you'd expect.

[157] Your worst nightmare.

[158] Richard O 'Cardy type.

[159] I'm gutted.

[160] Did I say something?

[161] Did I ever really have a chance?

[162] Was I out of my league, et cetera?

[163] Yeah.

[164] So I kind of just let it go and I think, all right, can't get any worse, right?

[165] School starts and there's a big back -to -school event.

[166] And while I'm there, I see one of her friends, and she makes eye contact with me. And I can tell she's a little nervous.

[167] And she beelines over to me, and she pulls me aside.

[168] And she goes, Shane, I have to tell you something.

[169] And of course, my heart's just racing at this point.

[170] And she goes, you haven't been messaging Rachel the past few weeks.

[171] And I say, what do you mean?

[172] Was I messaging you?

[173] And she goes, no, not just me, our entire friend group.

[174] So it turns out I was getting catfish by the entire group of girls.

[175] that we met over that summer, and there was just a revolving door of catfish messages going over to me. Oh, this is so cruel.

[176] It is.

[177] That's, like, evil.

[178] Yeah.

[179] What did you do?

[180] You obviously wanted to ride.

[181] I hope you punched her right in the fucking face.

[182] I mean, I just want to crawl under a rock at this point.

[183] God, you already have heartbreak.

[184] Like, you're sitting there playing through every interaction.

[185] This is evil.

[186] Where did I tip it?

[187] Where did I jump the shark?

[188] You're already in purgatory in your own mind, and then that.

[189] Yeah.

[190] High school can be tough, and people found out about it, but it eventually cycled out of the high school abyss of gossip and news.

[191] And, yeah, it's not something I like talking about.

[192] I don't like admitting that you get catfish.

[193] But this was 2010, too.

[194] This is like pre -Montai Teo.

[195] This isn't a phrase that people really knew about.

[196] Well, even for Monti didn't know.

[197] He's like, you got to remember catfish didn't come up until after my thing.

[198] Exactly.

[199] So it's not something I was even considering or worrying about.

[200] But yeah, that's a story.

[201] Went after a crush and got catfished by her entire friend group.

[202] Oh, shame.

[203] That's awful.

[204] I hate those people.

[205] I hope she died.

[206] I hope she died.

[207] I hope she's dead.

[208] I don't know what goes through a teenage girl's minds.

[209] I hope that beautiful boy she was with is also.

[210] Everyone's dead.

[211] I hope everyone's passed.

[212] Wait, did the original girl know?

[213] I assume they were together, sent the first message, saw how I responded, and then just sort of ran with it.

[214] Yeah, it was too good for them to resist in ninth grade.

[215] Well, they're in 10th grade.

[216] I can already tell you what the silver lining is, because now we've spoken with you for 20 minutes.

[217] You have an incredible smile.

[218] You're very intelligent and articulate.

[219] It was a great job.

[220] Yes, and I'm quite certain you landed on your feet romantically.

[221] Is that a safe assumption?

[222] It is.

[223] Actually, if you guys will indulge me, my girlfriend is the reason I started listening in the first place, and she was hoping to say hello.

[224] Get her in here.

[225] Get her in.

[226] Hello.

[227] Oh my God, you're so cute.

[228] I know.

[229] Look at the two of them.

[230] Oh, thank you.

[231] Thanks for letting Shane unpack that with you guys.

[232] The first time he told me this story was because he submitted it.

[233] He had not shared with anyone.

[234] Oh, it's the sweetest story.

[235] A lot of people have stories like this, and so it's good that you shared it because maybe people aren't too afraid.

[236] I have a similar one.

[237] You do?

[238] Well, kind of, yeah.

[239] How kind of?

[240] I'm a little nervous that you're not very similar.

[241] Oh, it is.

[242] Tell me. Tell me. It is.

[243] Well, I feel bad because the people in the story are still two very close friends, but they called me. Oh, on three way.

[244] Yeah, on three way.

[245] And one was silent.

[246] And the other one bated you.

[247] Yeah, she said, I guess I'll just say it.

[248] Change the names.

[249] Okay.

[250] Margaret was going to be hard.

[251] Margaret was on silent.

[252] And Sheila was on voice.

[253] And Sheila was like, Margaret's crush, Alex, told her today that he was in love with you and she's really upset.

[254] They blew out this whole story and it was all fake.

[255] Oh, my Lord.

[256] And it was really upsetting because it's like, ha, ha, I'm here too.

[257] And it's all this funny joke.

[258] And I was like, what?

[259] Like, now I was tricked.

[260] Someone I thought likes me, doesn't like me. I mean, it was all awful.

[261] That was a very popular thing when I was in junior high because 3 -8 was brand new and you'd get a call and it'd be James and he'd say, so -and -so said you were a fucking asshole and then you would naturally be like, well, he's a fucking asshole and then he'd be on the phone.

[262] Right.

[263] It was more to like bait you into being mean.

[264] Well, none of it's nice.

[265] How long have you guys been an item?

[266] Four and a half years.

[267] Oh, my God.

[268] You're so cute together.

[269] It's crazy.

[270] And they're dead.

[271] And you guys are cute and a lot.

[272] Yes.

[273] And you live in Boston.

[274] You go to Monza and everything worked out.

[275] And you're playing soccer internationally.

[276] Rachel's a turd.

[277] She blew it.

[278] Well, so nice meeting you guys.

[279] What a beautiful, lovely, heartbreaking story.

[280] I really appreciate it.

[281] Thanks.

[282] I did want to jump in really quickly and just say to Monica.

[283] I mean, I love both of you, obviously.

[284] But Monica, you've been a huge inspiration to me personally, professionally.

[285] I tell everyone to listen to race to 35 and now sing.

[286] So this is the craziest thing ever.

[287] And I'm so glad I got to say hello.

[288] That is so sweet.

[289] Thank you so much.

[290] Well, thank you guys so much.

[291] We appreciate you taking the time.

[292] Oh, it's so fun.

[293] Be well.

[294] Good luck with everything.

[295] I'm rooting for both of you.

[296] Thank you.

[297] Bye.

[298] Bye -bye.

[299] Oh, my God.

[300] They're so cute.

[301] Oh, my God.

[302] They're so cute and, like, pretty.

[303] I loved the way they looked.

[304] Me too.

[305] I like how their teeth looked.

[306] I hope they kiss each other often and passionately.

[307] Hello.

[308] Oh, my gosh, this is wild.

[309] Look at this perfectly sound -dampened room you're in.

[310] It looks great.

[311] Thank you.

[312] I actually do a little bit of music recording and sound work myself.

[313] It's a homemade space.

[314] There's some down blankets tacked onto the wall, but it does the trick.

[315] How good are you at wielding that axe?

[316] I'm mostly a piano player, but I do at custom songs with a company called SongFitch for people to give as presents, like for birthdays and anniversaries and stuff.

[317] Oh, that's neat.

[318] Sometimes that requires a little bit strumming, so I muck through.

[319] And what's the most amount of songs you wrote in a day?

[320] I have done three in a day.

[321] Okay.

[322] It's my side gig, but it's fun.

[323] It's a good creative outlet.

[324] I bet, yeah.

[325] And it's a great muscle to be working all the time.

[326] Okay, where are you at in the country?

[327] I'm actually in Newfoundland, Canada.

[328] Oh, my God.

[329] I had a hunch when I said country that was presumptive, and it was.

[330] Okay, so you had a failed romantic encounter.

[331] I did.

[332] I will say at this point in my life, I think all of my romantic pursuits have been failed.

[333] I have been married almost 20 years, but he pursued me. Oh, but it's all ending great.

[334] Okay, we love that.

[335] It turned out the way it should.

[336] But I don't have any game.

[337] I never did.

[338] It's just not something that I have in my toolbox.

[339] So this story takes place in the year 2000.

[340] I was 16 years old, and I was in grade 11.

[341] I need to just kind of set the stage by just letting you know how little game I had.

[342] When I was in the seventh grade, I liked a boy, and I thought the best way to get his attention was to dress like him.

[343] Oh, wow.

[344] Okay.

[345] Well, they do say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

[346] That's what I thought.

[347] I just in my mind, I was like, if I just show up wearing the same shirt that he's wearing, then he's just going to see me. And he's going to be like, who is this goddess in men's clothes?

[348] who walks among us.

[349] It didn't work.

[350] By the time I got to the 11th grade, my bag of tricks had not improved.

[351] So I still thought that the best way to get a boy's attention was kind of Trojan horse my way into the boys club.

[352] Uh -huh.

[353] This is common.

[354] Yeah, I think I went too far in, though.

[355] My ethnographic study was too precise, and I got a little too far in.

[356] I really think they just viewed me as a man. Because you talked about how much you love titty's instance.

[357] up all the time.

[358] Well, I got really into WWE.

[359] Oh, okay.

[360] That was one of my ways in.

[361] Oh, wonderful.

[362] Yeah, so I gave out Valentine's that year that had Rick Flair on them and they said, I hope your Valentine's Day is woo!

[363] Oh, wow.

[364] Which I thought was just so charming.

[365] And so I really like this boy.

[366] I'm going to call him Brad since I did grow up in a very, very small place.

[367] Anyone who listens to this will probably know anyone I'm talking about.

[368] But I had a big crush on him.

[369] And so one of the ways that I would try to get his attention was by actually wrestling with him and wrestling with the boys.

[370] Sure.

[371] But because I had assimilated so far into the boyhood, I didn't get wrestled with in the flirty kind of fun way that boys wrestle with girls.

[372] I got wrestled with like I was a boy.

[373] Okay.

[374] It was rough and tumble.

[375] I just picture you in a headlock.

[376] Like, what is this plan?

[377] I'm in a full nose and.

[378] Exactly.

[379] Except I'm like, he's touching me. Yeah.

[380] I think I feel his pelvis.

[381] Oh, my God.

[382] I'm so fulfilled.

[383] It was a rough plan, but it was working for me at the time.

[384] I felt like I was at least getting some attention.

[385] And we were all standing around in our hallway of our high school one day.

[386] I think it was like recess or lunch, and we were just hanging out.

[387] And there was a group of us, and Brad was there.

[388] And so I tried to egg him on to wrestle with me. Looking back on it in hindsight, I think maybe he was getting irritated, but I did not pick up on that at the time.

[389] Okay.

[390] Basically, I was threatening him that I was going to put him into DDT.

[391] Are you familiar?

[392] No, tell us about the DDT.

[393] Okay, so the DDT is kind of like you're going to put someone in a headlock except their head is going to be sticking out the back of your arm.

[394] Okay, kind of like a reverse headlock.

[395] Yeah, with the DDT in WWE, you'll tap the person on the back and then you fall backwards.

[396] Okay, and break their neck.

[397] Oh, sure.

[398] That's the ultimate goal, I guess.

[399] What's up, guys?

[400] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[401] and let me tell you, it's too good.

[402] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

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[404] And I don't mean just friends.

[405] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[406] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[407] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[408] We've all been there.

[409] Turning to the Internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers and strange rashes.

[410] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[411] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

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[417] So we had played this many times, but the key to playing it is that you don't put the head all the way through the crook of the arm, because then it's not sticking out the other side, so it can't get it.

[418] injured.

[419] Right.

[420] So in this particular day, I just kept egging him on and was trying to get him to wrestle with me. And I was saying that I was going to put him in this DDT.

[421] And I thought I was just so fun and flirty with my WWE references.

[422] And he finally kind of snuck attack on me and did a DDT on me. All of this happened in about three seconds.

[423] So I'm in this.

[424] And while I'm in it, I know my head is too far into the crook of the arm I have this thought but before I can say anything or do anything I get the two taps on the back and he falls backwards and I crash my head off of the hallway floor right where like a baby's soft spot would be better than your face I think I was expecting like teeth missing at the end of this.

[425] More of a concussion.

[426] Yeah.

[427] So I have a vague memory of him saying, oh, I hit her.

[428] That's the only thing I remember him saying.

[429] And then everything went black.

[430] Knocked out cold.

[431] Oh, God.

[432] There's just a limp body in the hallway now.

[433] Oh, my God.

[434] Just a limp body in the high school hallway, surrounded by people.

[435] A bunch of dudes that are like, you're getting expelled.

[436] Why'd you do that?

[437] All of a sudden, they're like, she's a girl.

[438] Yeah.

[439] No one was saying it before, but now it's quite obvious.

[440] Which is the realization.

[441] I was wanting them to have the whole time, which is just they wake up one day and be like, she's a girl, let's date her.

[442] So what I remember after that is, you know, like in a movie when someone wakes up and there's like a circle of heads around them like when you open your eyes.

[443] So this is what I saw was, you know, a circle of my friends.

[444] Brad, not among them.

[445] So I sat up and I could see him standing in the corner, pale as a ghost with his hand over's mouth, absolutely mortified about what just happened.

[446] I was okay.

[447] did not want any more attention that day.

[448] And unfortunately, Brad never touched me again.

[449] Oh, no. Did he talk to you again, though?

[450] Were you friends at least?

[451] We were awkward friends after that.

[452] Yeah.

[453] I think it was just such a bad look for him, and he didn't know what he was getting into when he did that.

[454] He got very confused by all that.

[455] No one knew what to do with that.

[456] Yeah, and you did force him to do it.

[457] I wasn't able to say that, but I'm glad you brought that up.

[458] Or you, like, really pushed him hard to do it.

[459] I would have maybe even potentially were emasculating him in public.

[460] Oh, yeah.

[461] Yeah, that's what I had for flirting was masculinity and emasculation.

[462] Oh, Kathy, I love you.

[463] I'm so glad that you found a husband who pursued you and took that off your shoulders.

[464] Yeah, and it's been working out 20 years.

[465] Yeah, he's pretty fantastic.

[466] I've got to say, I've got into the podcast right from the start because he actually went away to recovery in 2018.

[467] Oh, okay.

[468] He went to rehab for three months, and so I was home with our boys, and it was a pretty lonely time for me. And I got into the podcast and kind of heard about your story decks and about your recovery.

[469] And we actually were separated for a bit that year, but we've since reconciled and we are going on 20 years.

[470] We're going to celebrate this month, actually.

[471] Oh, that's incredible.

[472] I'm so happy to hear that.

[473] And it was just so cool to be able to get the perspective of somebody who's been in that world when I, I didn't have that at the time.

[474] So I really appreciate that.

[475] So thank you.

[476] Oh, my God.

[477] My pleasure.

[478] Yeah, I think it's helpful to hear someone talk about it that you don't have all this baggage with.

[479] You most certainly were probably harmed by his behavior.

[480] So it puts you in a very interesting position to try to evaluate everything.

[481] Absolutely.

[482] The only time in life that we've ever sat together and listened to a podcast together was you talking about relapse.

[483] And we just sat together and we held hands and we listened to it.

[484] And Monica, yours and Kristen's response to that was so eye -opening to me and really helped me as somebody who is raven co -dependent and recovering from that as well.

[485] Yeah.

[486] You guys sharing your lives with us makes a difference for very real people in the middle of the North Atlantic Sea somewhere.

[487] You probably didn't even know existence.

[488] Oh, thank you so much.

[489] No, thank you.

[490] Yeah, oh, boy.

[491] I really appreciate that.

[492] Thank you, Kathy.

[493] Would I be able to just grab him for a second?

[494] Yes, of course.

[495] I hope he comes in and he's dressed identical to you.

[496] We should have planned it that way.

[497] Like that was his kink.

[498] That's his thing.

[499] Oh, man. Hello there.

[500] My man crush.

[501] I'm flattered.

[502] This is a flattering man crush.

[503] I know.

[504] You look kind of like a rugby player slash maybe MMA fighter.

[505] It's a very good look.

[506] I do jiu -jitsu.

[507] Oh, wonderful.

[508] You got that thick neck.

[509] Yeah.

[510] We just heard a bit of your story, so it's really touching that you guys have been along for the whole ride.

[511] I'm very happy for you to found recovery.

[512] It's so fucking great.

[513] Oh, man, it's amazing.

[514] And I didn't think it would stick at first, you know, as you can imagine.

[515] But it's been really good.

[516] And, you know, your podcast has been phenomenal, so many resources and things that helped along the way.

[517] It was really great.

[518] Oh, thank you so much.

[519] We love Kathy's story.

[520] It was incredible.

[521] And we're just damn delighted.

[522] You're up there in Neufel and listening.

[523] Yes, we appreciate you both.

[524] Yeah, both of you.

[525] And good luck with everything.

[526] So nice to meet you guys.

[527] Yeah, thank you so much.

[528] All right.

[529] Take care, everybody.

[530] All right, bye -bye.

[531] Oh, man. We don't deserve it.

[532] Stop saying that.

[533] I do.

[534] You do.

[535] I'm kidding.

[536] Yes, you do.

[537] Stop it.

[538] I'm going to, well, hold on.

[539] I'm going to give you a 10.

[540] You're always trying to give me a 10.

[541] Kind of codependence.

[542] She didn't mean hit me. Yes, she did.

[543] That's what she said.

[544] She said, hit more.

[545] Oh, I like.

[546] that story from Kathy.

[547] D .D .T. Like, I'm going to give you, think how many times she probably said, I'm going to give you a DET before he snapped.

[548] Hello.

[549] Hello.

[550] Oh, good.

[551] You can hear us.

[552] We can hear you.

[553] It's Dan and Lily.

[554] Dan and Lily are here.

[555] I'm so excited to see you guys.

[556] Where are you at, Chris?

[557] I am in Ottawa, Canada.

[558] We just got off the phone with someone in Newfoundland.

[559] It's Canadian.

[560] We love our Canadian listeners.

[561] Oh, our friends to the north.

[562] Does your failed romantic pursuit take place in Ottawa?

[563] It actually takes place in Toronto.

[564] Okay.

[565] That's a great place for a failed romantic pursuit.

[566] Please set the stage for us.

[567] Okay.

[568] So like a little backstory.

[569] I'm a dance instructor by trade, Ballroom Latin.

[570] And I was at a competition in Niagara Falls, Ontario.

[571] While at that competition, I noticed another instructor from another school who very much caught my eye.

[572] Can I ask through the dance moves or just the physical package?

[573] What was it?

[574] It was her physical package plus what I assumed to be her emotional package.

[575] I loved her immediately because I created a version of who I thought she was.

[576] Of course.

[577] As we all do.

[578] So at the end of that competition, all the teachers usually get together and have like a little chin dig like, hooray, we did it.

[579] Because they're kind of grueling sometimes.

[580] Okay.

[581] And my plan was to start something.

[582] So I initiated a chat with this lovely young lady, and it went great.

[583] We had a great conversation.

[584] It was lovely.

[585] Is this the kind of mixer where there's drinks?

[586] There were drinks involved, yeah.

[587] Okay, great.

[588] Is dancing an option at this venue?

[589] For sure, it is, but like, we're all pretty danced out.

[590] Okay, okay.

[591] So we didn't dance, but we did chat, and it was great.

[592] We live a little bit apart.

[593] She's about like a four -hour commute away from me. We exchanged phone numbers the following weeks and, months.

[594] We talk a lot.

[595] It goes from about once a week to pretty much every day.

[596] It's just effortless chat.

[597] It's lovely.

[598] You guys have rhythm.

[599] Yes, we do.

[600] We were in the right profession.

[601] Yeah.

[602] So about two months after our initial encounter, I say, hey, we should meet in Toronto.

[603] It's about halfway in between the two of us for a fun little date.

[604] We went to a Toronto Blue Jays game.

[605] It was an afternoon game.

[606] So then afterwards, I got some dinner reservations at a place I hadn't been before, but I read online that the courtyard area of this particular restaurant was very romantic, kind of isolated.

[607] So I called them, I requested the most isolated, romantic booth possible.

[608] So we get there.

[609] Everything's going pretty great up to this point.

[610] Sit down, order our appetizers, order a round of drinks.

[611] And I noticed that above me in one of the beautiful trees that make this place so secluded, there's a bird.

[612] Think very little of it beyond that.

[613] We start having our appetizers, and I feel something hit me like in the bridge of my nose.

[614] Oh, wow.

[615] Bolzai.

[616] Kind of explode across my...

[617] Whole face.

[618] I don't know what it is, but when I look at my date, I realize it's something bad.

[619] She's looking disgusted.

[620] I've been remembered.

[621] I remember that I have never actually been to this restaurant.

[622] I don't know where anything is.

[623] I haven't been inside yet.

[624] And I have no idea what to do.

[625] Thankfully at this moment, our server comes by, sees my predicament, and escorts me to the bathroom, apologizes, I mean, out of his control.

[626] But it was obviously a bird had shat on my face.

[627] But directly on my nose.

[628] She wasn't laughing.

[629] I've been shit on the neck and the shoulder.

[630] She should have laughed.

[631] I know.

[632] Directed.

[633] Oh, my God.

[634] That's a career under.

[635] That's interesting that she didn't giggle.

[636] She should have giggled.

[637] I'm mad at her.

[638] Because it was our first in -person encounter, we weren't quite at the like giggle at the other person's expense.

[639] Right.

[640] She might have been nervous.

[641] You were going to be very embarrassed and get violent.

[642] I hope she wasn't worried I was going to get violent.

[643] But she was definitely worried I would be embarrassed.

[644] Maybe towards the bird.

[645] I would have wrung that bird's neck.

[646] No. So the waiter does a great job, cleans everything up.

[647] It had only, like, hit my face a little bit on my shirt.

[648] A little in her drinks and food.

[649] Ew, my God.

[650] That bird was having trouble.

[651] No, that bird had a anger issue, I think.

[652] Blowout.

[653] Maybe that bird hated that restaurant's location.

[654] I think it's just that the bird's sitting there eating so much of the scraps.

[655] that it was too full.

[656] Maybe he or she knew that I would have to leave the table and the food would be rightly.

[657] Yeah, could have been tactical.

[658] It's tough to get into the mind of a bird.

[659] It is.

[660] But we should try.

[661] The server replaces all of our stuff.

[662] It's all good.

[663] And the bird is still there.

[664] I say to the server, should we move maybe?

[665] Should we move tables?

[666] Because that bird is still right in the same.

[667] spot that it was and the server is like no no don't worry he already shed on you yeah he only shits once every two hours how improbable it would happen again feels improbable however it wasn't that improbable because about 10 minutes later almost in the exact same spot but a little higher up this time it hits my forehead this bird shits again this time it like covers my hair It's just everywhere I'm now like pretty mad I'm like as mad as Dax was after the first time So I stand up and say Are you happy you cock blocker I know where the bathroom is by this point Waiter's like oh it's you yes me again Go clean myself off But I feel like either the image of me covered In bird shit twice in a row Or a grown man screaming at a bird something fizzled the romantic flame in that moment and that was the end of our romance that sucks you know I would suggest also a third option which is I'm ignoring an omen here you know she might have been like how many signals do I need you know this guy's been shit on twice she might have seen it as like a signal from the universe like this isn't a good match right I'm trying to think what I would think of my date got shit on twice.

[668] First of all, I would be laughing.

[669] Secondly, I would never have stayed at the table.

[670] At the table.

[671] But I understand.

[672] I'm not saying that it's not your fault.

[673] It's servers.

[674] No, my fault.

[675] Bad move.

[676] Shit on me once.

[677] Shame on you.

[678] Shit on me twice.

[679] Shame on me. That's the same.

[680] Oh, bummer.

[681] I heard that being shot on by a bird was good luck.

[682] So I was hoping she would take that angle.

[683] Although, who's to say that you didn't avoid getting a very stubborn STD.

[684] Maybe it was good luck.

[685] Maybe that bird shit prevented him from hooking up with her and getting a long lasting stubborn.

[686] We don't know that about her.

[687] We don't.

[688] But if there's a good luck, that could have been in it.

[689] Maybe we just don't know what the good luck was.

[690] Could have been a toxic relationship.

[691] I really like that angle.

[692] Yeah.

[693] That bird might have looked at you guys and went, this is going to end poorly.

[694] I got to get my bro out of this.

[695] I'm going to fucking defecate all over on the whole meal.

[696] Ew.

[697] He was like a super bro.

[698] I got you, man. She has got a long -lasting thing that you don't want to deal with.

[699] Yep.

[700] I'm going to get you out of this, Chris.

[701] Just stay right where you're at so I can get a bullseye.

[702] We're still friends to this day.

[703] We did maintain a relationship, but the romance factor, it died that day.

[704] Well, what a spectacular way for it to die?

[705] At least you got a good story.

[706] I think a lot of people, like, it just gets snuffed out and then you're left to wonder what went wrong and drive yourself mad we know exactly what went wrong i can pinpoint the moment yes yes oh well chris i'm so sorry that you got shit on twice in the face that's really rough it's okay it's about a 10 year old story i've gotten over it i've forgiven all birds you start thinking the universe is conspiring against you a little bit but again i think you might have been saved yeah we don't know i think you were saved i really like this approach and that's how i'm going to remember it from now on i'm going to ask her if If you has any STDs.

[707] You should have 10 years ago.

[708] When we were on that date, did you have a stubborn and long -lasting?

[709] Did you have one that you still have?

[710] Have you been suffering for the last 10 years with an STD that you haven't told me about?

[711] Well, Chris, great meeting.

[712] You thanks so much for telling us that story.

[713] I'm so happy to see you.

[714] I love the way you create space for people to feel comfortable talking about the shit on the face moments of life.

[715] I think you're doing a beautiful thing.

[716] Can I give it like a little shout out?

[717] Of course.

[718] My friend Brittany, she is an OG armchair.

[719] She was listening from episode one and trying to convince me to listen.

[720] I'm not usually a Hollywood interview kind of guy.

[721] So I did not believe that I would like it at all.

[722] Finally gave it a chance and I am hooked.

[723] I will never miss an episode.

[724] You're a huge part of my week.

[725] There was an episode a while back that got delayed.

[726] My Monday was empty.

[727] Letterman.

[728] Letterman, yeah.

[729] I was in with.

[730] draw.

[731] Thank you guys so much.

[732] Thank you, Brittany, for recommending it.

[733] Yeah, Brittany.

[734] Thank you, Brittany.

[735] Big ups to Brittany for proselytizing.

[736] Keep converting, Brittany.

[737] Great meeting you.

[738] And thank you so much for the story.

[739] Thank you guys so much.

[740] Fun.

[741] I like love and taking swings.

[742] They don't always work out, but you just got to take swings.

[743] Yeah.

[744] We've all had them.

[745] We've all these misses.

[746] It's part of life.

[747] I'm trying to think if I have a big miss. I'd have to mull it over, but most certainly I do.

[748] Oh, maybe I'll come back.

[749] Well, it was Neb Campbell.

[750] That was a pretty big mess.

[751] Yeah, that was not my best foot forward.

[752] I'm drinking my breakfast.

[753] That was a knockout punch.

[754] We're riding home with me tonight.

[755] I'll guarantee that.

[756] Who wouldn't want to be with a guy who drinks his breakfast?

[757] All right.

[758] Love you.

[759] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[760] I want to sing a tune or something?

[761] Oh.

[762] Okay, great.

[763] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[764] We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of armchair, we'll get some suggestions.

[765] On the flyer rhyme dish, on the flyer rindish, enjoy.

[766] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcast.

[767] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and add for right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[768] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.