#747 - Tony Hinchcliffe

[0] Oh, fuck yeah.

[1] Here we go.

[2] Tony Hinchcliff is in the house.

[3] Brian Redband is in the house.

[4] Dun, dun, dun, dun, done, done, done.

[5] And we've been talking about turning your come off with a light switch.

[6] How's that work?

[7] It's like a little switch that's in your inner leg or something like that.

[8] And if you want to make a baby, it turns on your cum or your sperm.

[9] So it's like a sperm switch.

[10] But they made it look like a light switch instead of having it, you know, like some weird button or something.

[11] Put it up on the screen again, please.

[12] It's ridiculous.

[13] So it's in between your legs?

[14] Like, what if you're jogging?

[15] Does it just go on and off and on and off?

[16] Yeah.

[17] Oh my God, it is a light switch.

[18] Come on, this isn't real.

[19] How dare you?

[20] Why am I seeing that guy's dick?

[21] Jeez, that's huge.

[22] Why is he semi?

[23] He's semi.

[24] Okay, look at this.

[25] All right, so what they're showing us is, can we hear this?

[26] Is it okay, we hear it?

[27] It's like indie Richter.

[28] Hold on, hold on.

[29] I love this guy's accent.

[30] Please start him from the beginning because it makes it even better.

[31] He speaks in a slight.

[32] broken English.

[33] Andy Richter and his brother?

[34] In order to begin the medical approval procedure.

[35] The human male's testicles produce millions of sperm cells every day.

[36] These cells flow through spermatic ducts and then combine with seminal flutes.

[37] Look at this texture of the ball skin.

[38] I feel like Thomas Edison would be so disappointed if he saw what his technology was being used for now.

[39] Thomas Edison invented dick switches?

[40] Well like switches.

[41] I guess.

[42] Power on and off.

[43] Why is it more humorous?

[44] Because this gentleman has an accent.

[45] Why would they spend so much time making the texture of the balls and the dick that realistic?

[46] Because they want you to know they're not playing games.

[47] So this is insane.

[48] You can feel the switch and you can flip it back and forth.

[49] That is so fucking crazy.

[50] And what are the odds that a girl who wants a baby is not going to reach back and click that switch?

[51] Right.

[52] while she's rubbing your balls.

[53] Which is the perfect time to hit the switch if you really wanted to make a baby.

[54] Like, you let them release the hounds!

[55] And when there becomes still in the tube, you know, like the end of the tube?

[56] Hmm, good question.

[57] Yeah, I think that's an issue, right?

[58] Doesn't it, like, stay inside your dickhole?

[59] Yeah.

[60] Like, it doesn't all come out in one blast, and sometimes it can come out in the next blast.

[61] Yeah, that...

[62] What do I know?

[63] That's fake.

[64] That's craziness.

[65] I mean, I don't understand.

[66] If you got an operation to get all that stuff put in, just...

[67] get a vasectomy make a decision stand by it yeah it seems like in america um this this these type of things are becoming more and more attractive to us like an instant solution to like anything that we got going wrong oh we're going to come up with uh new retinas these retinas they're artificial retinas so you put them in your eyes you can see 2200 like or 20 what it what is what's that's not good like 2200 would be terrible yeah 25 yeah 20 20 20s like normal right right 40 20 no that's right Force 2, right?

[68] No, isn't that better?

[69] That's twice.

[70] I don't think it is.

[71] I'm not sure.

[72] I don't think.

[73] I think it's always been like low numbers are really good.

[74] Like pilots would say of 2015 vision.

[75] See an eagle attacking a salmon from a mile away.

[76] You know, like people are always like super proud of their vision.

[77] Like really good vision.

[78] Like, whoa, amazing.

[79] You see clearly.

[80] So lower would be better?

[81] Like 420 would be the best?

[82] 420.

[83] No. It's too high on one side.

[84] I don't know.

[85] What's perfect on one side, right?

[86] is 20, 2020.

[87] Right.

[88] What the fuck does it even stand for?

[89] Maybe we should know that.

[90] It's what you see at 20 feet.

[91] Mm -hmm.

[92] The first 20 is what normal person sees at 20 feet, and then what you see at 20 feet.

[93] So you see, if you have 2 ,200, you see what a normal person sees at 200 feet at 20 feet because your vision sucks.

[94] Oh, okay, that makes sense.

[95] That actually totally makes sense.

[96] What a drag.

[97] Yeah.

[98] Yeah.

[99] Do you have good, perfect vision, Tony?

[100] My vision is unbelievable.

[101] I can, I can re -revee.

[102] anything from like it's like insane that's cool it's a lot of fun have you always had that yeah you should probably be really good at like something like darts or something like that maybe yeah something like I would think that something along those lines where you it'd be like super precise like when you're throwing that you're like I don't play darts but I would imagine that it's probably pretty fun with all that pressure to get a bullseye it seems kind of silly he's throwing a metal stick at a thing, but those dudes seem to be having a good time.

[103] I'm a hell of a shot.

[104] I was a natural.

[105] With a dartboard?

[106] With an actual gun.

[107] Oh, really?

[108] Yeah, 22.

[109] I shot like discus one time.

[110] Is that what it is?

[111] What do they call that?

[112] Pigeons?

[113] Pigeons?

[114] Clay pigeons?

[115] And I was like 13 or 14, and I was clipping them.

[116] And I remember this group of old guys standing behind my mom's boyfriend that took me. Just like, holy shit.

[117] I'm terrible with a shotgun.

[118] I I did a Burt Kreischer show.

[119] We had one of those clay shoot -off things.

[120] I hit like one.

[121] How do you get good at a shotgun?

[122] In practice.

[123] You have to understand how you're orientating the site on it.

[124] It's a little more tricky than like a hunting rifle where the site is magnified.

[125] With a shotgun, for the most part, unless it has a scope on it, most of the times they don't.

[126] You're using the barrel of the gun to line up where the bullets are going to go.

[127] but any variation up or down by the slightest amount results in a big deviation of the intended path of the weapon.

[128] So, like, if you're trying to shoot straight and your thing is just, it's kind of at him, but not really, it'll go over his head.

[129] So you have to line up this little thing in the front, which is like a little tiny, like a nub.

[130] Like a you.

[131] And then the thing in the back, the thing in the back is the you.

[132] And you're looking, you're trying to line the two of them up.

[133] So there's like this little V, and you're trying to put this pin in between the little V and hold it there as you squeeze the trigger and don't flinch.

[134] So there's a lot involved in it.

[135] It takes practice.

[136] But once you get, it's like anything else, like archery or bowling.

[137] You know, once you understand the technique behind it, then it's just a matter of drilling it over and over again.

[138] Like, you ever see a really good bowler, like Ari's friend, Tommy.

[139] What is that guy's name?

[140] Motolo?

[141] What the fuck is his name?

[142] He gave me a...

[143] All right.

[144] You'll find it, right?

[145] You'll know it.

[146] He's a really good dude, whoever that guy is.

[147] Tallerino, right?

[148] No, no, no, Tommy.

[149] Jamie will figure it out.

[150] Let him figure it out.

[151] We'll talk.

[152] But if he taught you how to bowl, like, if you watch him bowl, like, those guys, they throw, like, that curve ball where it comes spinning and it smashes into everything, like, kind of an angle.

[153] And they can do it consistently over and over and over and over again, into the point where they'll bowl, like, pretty close to perfect games a lot.

[154] where they'll get like real close to like making eight nine strikes in a row and you're like what the fuck when a guy like you or i i don't know how you bowl i bowl like shit i just shit it's one of that fucking thing straight tell me delutes tell me delutes great guy by the way super fucking nice guy he's hung out with us a couple of times and he's a pro bowler so if that guy taught you how to bowl like he could teach you the technique then it would just be a matter of you wanting to keep working at it whether it's archery or that it's darts or anything man it's just a matter of someone showing you how to do it you figure out what's best for you and then numbers that's what people that's why people don't like to get good at shit the numbers involved they're nuts if you want to be a professional golfer do you know what kind of numbers you have to put in good lord yeah all the practice and all the fucking knocking and then you're like man this isn't going to work out and you're okay if you say it's not going to work out then I guess it's not going to work out Because it fucking worked out for Tiger Woods, fucking worked out for Jack Nicholas.

[155] How come it fucking worked out for them?

[156] Because they got nutty.

[157] Because someone taught them the technique.

[158] They started to compete, and then they got nutty.

[159] Yeah.

[160] You just got to decide whether or not you want to get nutty.

[161] And getting nutty's not the best idea in the world either.

[162] Yeah.

[163] A lot of those guys wind up fucking hitting the rocks.

[164] They never stop at the beach.

[165] Just fucking keep that cat's going.

[166] It's like stand -up.

[167] In a lot of ways.

[168] Yeah.

[169] I think it's like everything.

[170] everything that represents you you know you focus on it and the more you focus on it the better it gets at it and if you don't focus on it it doesn't get better and if you do it does and it's a matter of how much do you want to focus on it where you can enjoy the rest of your life what percentage of your life does it become it always amazes me that people to get like so great at video games yeah you know do you never did you ever meet Robert the dude who was the old manager at the comedy store uh -uh um what was his job there do you remember he was like talent was he booking talent i don't know if he was doing that for a while maybe he was doing that for a while anyway really good guy magic guy right magic the gathering he was addicted to that he was addicted to everquest i believe at first maybe it was magic the gather magic the gathering is a card game though isn't it it's also a video game mom it's video game too um i'm pretty sure he was an everquest junkie bad man like bad and he would come to the comedy store and he would be depressed like he would get out of his house when he could and when he could he would come out and hang out with us in the real world I'll never forget this we were in the back bar and it was just me and him and you know it was you know the back bar area a lot of times comedians gathered there and talk and he just goes it's just so weird that I can be so good at making money in my online life and so bad at it in my real life he goes I'm so good at being successful in this artificial life but I can't get it together in my real life and he was tired and he looked pale and I'm like this is a great guy he was like a really nice guy I'm like fuck man like this game is like a vampire he was making money on it no you make money in the game like you make like gold corn so you can buy magic and shit is that how it works am I saying that right yeah sure you level up the more you play so he was like king of kings you know he had like a crazy player and everything like king of kings well when you get really good right in EverQuest like the high you get, the more you can fuck people up.

[171] You can do whatever you want.

[172] Right.

[173] You just become like invincible.

[174] You can become a god.

[175] If you're on that shit 24 hours a day for 10 years, no one can go fuck with you.

[176] They just can't fuck with you.

[177] Isn't that how World of Warcraft is?

[178] They're encouraging addiction.

[179] It's so obvious.

[180] It's so obvious.

[181] It's very clever.

[182] But this is a money vampire.

[183] Oh, yeah.

[184] They figured out a really entertaining money vampire.

[185] Just sucks it out of you.

[186] Oh, yeah.

[187] South Park did one on it, and it's just like unbelievable.

[188] believably hilarious.

[189] You know what's interesting?

[190] The concept that you can get better at it the more time you put in it because you get more stuff.

[191] That's a really weird concept because that's not how it is in any other game.

[192] In any other game, what's cool about playing Quake, right?

[193] I hate to harp on Quake all the time, but I used to love playing it, was that you both start out, like you guys were going to have a death match.

[194] You would both start out with 150 life points, the same amount of access to weapons.

[195] You know, You know, you have like a little pistol, like you have a little blaster, and then you run around the map to try to find where the other weapons are.

[196] So you have to know the map.

[197] You have to know where the weapons are, and when they spawn, because they spawn in increments, like every 15, 20 seconds or something.

[198] Like, forget it what it is, maybe a minute for some weapons, maybe some weapons spawn differently.

[199] So these guys had programs in their code where it would alert them when the rocket launcher was about to spawn.

[200] So they had it, like, timed into their code.

[201] So they would receive little messages up on their screen that would let them know that rocket launchers are about to spawn.

[202] So they'd run to get to the rocket launch because he who gets a rocket launcher first, most likely wins the death match.

[203] Because these guys know the maps and they start blasting each other.

[204] Well, then everybody starts even.

[205] Everybody starts even.

[206] So that's what's exciting about it.

[207] It's a mad scramble.

[208] If you got to a point where you could just fuck people up and turn their cities into dust and bring down fire and brimstone, that's too much.

[209] Everybody's got to be even.

[210] Where's your game's bullshit?

[211] You just got a giant addiction thing going.

[212] You got an addiction pyramid scheme going on, right?

[213] And you're talking to yourself in third person as if it wasn't you that did all this.

[214] Well, sort of, but I'm thinking about Robert because I'm thinking about the game of EverQuest.

[215] And that's a way more addictive element, like the element of the long you do it, the more power you have and the more you can accomplish, the more dragons you can.

[216] Slay and what have you.

[217] What I was into was these crazy one -on -one death matches.

[218] They were so fun.

[219] And I was never good at him, man. I used to get fucked up.

[220] Like it wasn't a matter of like me being successful at Quake.

[221] It was the opposite.

[222] I could never catch up.

[223] I could be able to beat dudes who were clueless.

[224] If some dude was clueless and he got into one of those maps with me, I could fuck them up.

[225] But most of the time I got fucked up.

[226] Most of the time you're getting fucked up with these young kids were so good.

[227] They're fucking hand -down.

[228] coordination is like it's designed through the game because as they were as there were children they're using a mouse and keyboard as their little brains were forming connections with their fingertips a lot of what involved moving a mouse Obama plays one of these right does he yeah he's like on uh what's one of those like halo or something like that's he what's one of those popular Halo is very popular.

[229] Halo is the Shudy, I think it might be, but he like plays it.

[230] I always think that that's like so crazy to think that Obama sometimes is just chilling, just getting lit up by like some seven -year -old kid, you know what I mean?

[231] Obama plays Titanfall.

[232] Titan?

[233] Whoa.

[234] Xbox one.

[235] It's similar to Call it Duty.

[236] Yeah.

[237] So is it a war game?

[238] You're in mechs, so you're like running around and you can jump in a big machines.

[239] Mecks?

[240] Oh, okay, like a Transformers.

[241] Or robot tech.

[242] Wow.

[243] That's wild.

[244] Who would have ever thought that?

[245] So this is like that movie with fucking Wolverine?

[246] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, kind of.

[247] What's his name?

[248] What's the Wolverine guy's name?

[249] Hugh Jackman.

[250] Mike?

[251] Australian, isn't that amazing?

[252] He hides his accent so well.

[253] It's always weird with one of those guys talks in their regular accent.

[254] You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[255] Like, did you ever watch Homeland?

[256] There's a guy named Brody, who's in Homeland, and he plays a dude who was kidnapped and tortured by, The terrorist, then he comes back to America, and he's kind of like, you know, he's, like, acting as a pawn for the terrorists.

[257] He's like, it's very fucking crazy.

[258] But he sounds like a regular, almost like a Southern American, like a Texan, like a slight Texas accent on the show.

[259] And then in real life he talks with like this crazy English accent.

[260] Yeah.

[261] And you hear him talk and you can't believe.

[262] It's the same man. One of my favorite actors right now, who I'm like obsessed with because I saw him in this show, Bloodline.

[263] Have you heard of this show?

[264] Bloodline.

[265] What's that?

[266] Bloodline is a Netflix original series that came out like six months ago.

[267] And it's basically about like this rich family that takes a vacation.

[268] They like have this vacation in Hawaii and they all get together and shit just goes down with this family.

[269] And they're all, like you don't know who's covering up what and it's just all these diabolical characters.

[270] Anyway, there's this guy named Ben Mendelsso who is a monster.

[271] He's one of those guys that's just so compelling to watch like his face.

[272] is always moving he plays like a bad guy in everything and uh i watched like six seven of his movies going back and they're all amazing he's one of these like real actors and then i real found out that he's just australian and but complete australian dude total australian accent and he was my favorite american actor up until i found out he's from australia there's a lot of killer actors from australia yeah russell crow's from australia right isn't he yeah that guy there is a monster I think of how many fucking Australian accents, Mel Gibson Australian, think of how many of those guys Yeah.

[273] What's Tom Hardy?

[274] English?

[275] English.

[276] Tom Hardy's a badass.

[277] He's a bad motherfucker.

[278] There's so many of them from over there.

[279] It's incredible.

[280] Sometimes I don't even realize I was watching a Tom Hardy movie until the end of the movie and his name comes up and I'm like, who was Tom Hart?

[281] Oh my God, he was the main character the whole time.

[282] He has some, he's another one, one of the only other guys that's funny bring him up because he's another one where I literally will look up their name because some of these guys they actually read the scripts and pick the things that they want to do.

[283] Well, he can at this point, right?

[284] Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.

[285] That guy can act his ass off.

[286] Sometimes he's like a ripped monster like in Mad Max and then sometimes he's built like me in these movies and it's like, how the hell?

[287] He's one of those guys that cuts weight and puts it on and really gets into character.

[288] He plays, I can't remember the name of it, But one of these things, he's a twin.

[289] So he's playing the two lead characters because it's him and his twin the entire time.

[290] Oh, yeah, he's playing the Cray brothers, right?

[291] Remember that movie, The Cray's?

[292] That was out a long time ago.

[293] It was basically on the same brothers.

[294] There's two brothers who were into organized crime in England.

[295] They're legendary.

[296] And he's playing both of them.

[297] The last time they did, I think they had two actual twins in the last version of it, which is probably they had to settle for whatever actors they could get that were twins.

[298] Yeah, Tom Hardy's one of these guys that I didn't even know about until my girlfriend, who's like a huge movie buff, kept showing me movies, like, and she would always talk about like how hot he is and this is like, she's just like, this guy's fucking amazing.

[299] And I'm like, you're just making me watch these Tom Hardy movies because you have a crush on him.

[300] And sure enough, this fucker won me over, like big time.

[301] That's when you know he's good, right?

[302] To where you're like, oh, you know what?

[303] It's fucking great, man. Fuck it.

[304] Fuck my girlfriend.

[305] how many guys do you think have ever played themselves in a movie like side by side like twins like that so you're playing like what i want to know is does he get paid double for that you know it's that that only seems fair right well he's got to be getting a shitload of money for this because that's half of the the movie is seeing if they can pull that off right because you're dealing with cg i they're combining somehow or another i don't know how they're doing it i would imagine what they can do now, and this is just my guess, is that you can get a guy like you and you and Brian could have like a tussle.

[306] And as long as you were the same size, you could superimpose his features on you.

[307] There's a way they could do that with CGI.

[308] Well, what's interesting is that if the camera was locked off, then up until I'm sure this movie, it's not locked off on everything.

[309] What does that mean locked off?

[310] You know, like completely not moving, stabilized.

[311] Right.

[312] Then it was always easier to do that, I think, you know, the CGI type of things where you can put somebody into things.

[313] But this is like a real movie with real dialogue.

[314] I don't think they, I think they're doing it all with computers now.

[315] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[316] I mean, I think that if, but he's got to act both sides of it, right?

[317] So he's got to somehow another act both sides of it.

[318] And he has to, I mean, I'm only assuming if he's physically in contact to someone, they would have to somehow or another get him to act out those scenes and replace his face on the other person.

[319] person's body or something along those lines.

[320] If they're doing a tussle, they're just doing the thing where, like, you know, it's just the back of the head and then they just flip, you know, when they were rolling around, where it's like a smaller, weird, creepy version of them that they're...

[321] I did it with that Pepsi Spice commercial where I just pretty much recorded the same two things and then just split it right down the middle.

[322] That's right.

[323] I forgot about these videos.

[324] And this was like 15 years ago I did this.

[325] Yeah, these were hilarious.

[326] This looks exactly like the commercial for the Tom Harvey movie that I was talking about.

[327] This is hilarious.

[328] forgot about this morning and look I even put down the coffee cup and then I grabbed the coffee cup look at that boom that's actually cool dude that was one of your finest finest hours the Pepsi spice days I did that on paintbrush but what would you do if you had to have like a confrontation does he have a confrontation with his brother I assume he does probably that's the only thing that I would think would be the issue was like you fighting with you because that'd be really hard to mesh together.

[329] But otherwise, if it's just you in a separate scene or you in a scene with two of you, you just have to do the scene twice.

[330] But still, they have to combine it.

[331] You have to move you around.

[332] You have to do one, and then probably they play back your thing when you're talking to it.

[333] But shit.

[334] God.

[335] You ever seen Bronson?

[336] Yes.

[337] Amazing.

[338] Yeah.

[339] Yeah, I saw that.

[340] He was really good in that.

[341] He's good and everything.

[342] He's just one of those guys.

[343] He just knows how to do it.

[344] Yeah.

[345] Yeah, it's a weird type of, like, respect we have for people also that come from other countries.

[346] I mean, Americans love Americans, but we also hold people from other countries.

[347] If you have an English accent, we'll cut you a lot of slack.

[348] Oh, my God.

[349] More than ever, can I tell you something?

[350] Oh, my God.

[351] No, this has been infuriating me lately.

[352] Rage of A's.

[353] It's everybody.

[354] They're everywhere.

[355] There's British accents everywhere.

[356] Everywhere.

[357] Every show.

[358] Because I only watched normal TV when I'm at a hotel, and I've been doing the road a lot lately.

[359] So I've been stuck watching commercials for the first time.

[360] Anyway, every, I watch.

[361] First world problems.

[362] I watch this James Corden or whatever.

[363] Corbin?

[364] Yeah.

[365] Who's the guy that just took over for Craig Ferguson.

[366] Oh, who also had an accent.

[367] Everybody has an accent now on everything.

[368] Didn't you think Craig Ferguson was good, though?

[369] I liked Craig Ferguson.

[370] I thought he was really good.

[371] Totally good.

[372] He brought a different element when it was the Britney Spears thing.

[373] When that Britney Spears thing was going on and she was shaving her head, and he was like, why are we doing this?

[374] Like, why would we, like, attack this girl?

[375] And I think in a lot of ways, like, his, like, sort of reasonable approach to addressing the subject instead of, like, cracking jokes about it when it was, like, she was shaving her head and it's like you're looking at a person that's having some some serious stress and mental problems probably and all we're doing is just piling onto that and he made this like really reasonable measured plea and i remember thinking like wow that was a genuine thing like that wasn't uh that didn't seem like some um fake pumped up PR move to try to get people to view him a different way it seemed very genuine and um unfortunately brittany spears wasn't watching Craig Ferguson's message never got through you know people did leave her alone they kind of leave her alone now but she was obviously having some sort of a breakdown yeah so it was something going on it was she was and I don't know if anybody could ever be expected to respond well to the kind of stress that someone in her position endures she's like some stupid crazy superstar like a Beyonce type character or Jay -Z like that kind of stress levels got to be insane yeah she's calmed down a lot right she does that thing in Vegas now she does like a Vegas show did you were you a fan of Craig Ferguson's show yeah he's good do you know the the robot the guy the guy that played the robot in his name is Josh Robert Thompson and he played the robot for whatever 11 years on that show or however long that show is and he kind of got screwed by the show because no one knows who he was.

[376] They never said hey, by the way, this is him.

[377] So this guy, he's on Periscope a lot of time.

[378] Really interesting guy.

[379] Check him out.

[380] He's just really, it's just really sad, though.

[381] His name's Josh Robert Thompson.

[382] And it's just like, imagine being on a fucking Tonight show where no one knew who you were the whole time.

[383] Right.

[384] So does he just complain about this on his Periscope?

[385] No, I mean, he does seem like he's always getting Screwed.

[386] He just released this new video the other day with George Lucas and it has her friend, what's the guy with the really built body that used to be a writer on that show?

[387] He's been on Kill Tony before.

[388] Fuck, I can't really.

[389] Good body.

[390] Remember he always takes off his shirt and's like a six pack?

[391] Oh, Bob Oshack.

[392] Yeah, Bob Oshack.

[393] So Bob Oshack did a video with...

[394] I would never thought you were talking about Bob Oshack.

[395] Some gay porn star that's infiltrated the comics.

[396] I'm preparing myself for future encounters.

[397] Like, why is going on?

[398] This is what Brian considers a guy with a good body.

[399] No. Bob Oshack.

[400] Have you seen Bob Oshack?

[401] He's fit.

[402] He's very fit.

[403] He works out.

[404] He's very healthy.

[405] It's ridiculous.

[406] Bob Oshack might be the nicest guy that's ever lived.

[407] Oh, totally.

[408] If he's not the nicest, he's in the top 10 of, like, nicest people of all time.

[409] I love him.

[410] But anyways, he made a video with Josh Robert Thompson, where Josh Robert Thompson played George Lucas after, you know, on his ranch.

[411] and he looks just like George Lucas.

[412] Wow.

[413] Fun little.

[414] Oh, yeah, I think I saw some of that.

[415] Yeah.

[416] Dude, he's a funny fucking guy, Bob O'Sach.

[417] I love him.

[418] Yeah.

[419] One of the best.

[420] He should be doing a podcast.

[421] Right?

[422] Don't you think?

[423] I was supposed to start mine with him.

[424] He was going to be my co -host, and then I decided not to have a co -host at the last time.

[425] He also was really busy.

[426] You don't, it's not like you have 50 different things you have to do all day long.

[427] You could do another podcast once a week with him.

[428] He's a great guy, too.

[429] Or he could do one on his.

[430] own too he's one of the best guys he's such a good dude yeah on kill tony yeah yeah he's so sharp and he's such a he just loves joke writing so much yeah he does and so when these guys come in with a premise or whatever he'll just go you know if you go bab blah blah blah and bang the crowd that already heard that premise and punchline but it's all restructured he just repeats it back because he has that math brain it's just like did did did did it yeah one of the notoriously like one of the most respected comedy writers around town in the writing gigs that I've done he's come up in every writer's room and everybody around a table that are working together always ends up talking about where and when they worked with Bob Oshack and how cool and nice he is that's awesome that's so good to hear he's always always a good you say good stomach yeah it's always organically happened where he does that McGuire stomach am you seen McGuire who Chris McGuire oh Chris McGuire stomach how's that I've never seen Chris as a normal guy.

[431] The only one I ever seen.

[432] How do you get a Chris McGuire's stomach reference?

[433] Like that might be the most difficult to put your head around.

[434] Because if you don't know Chris McGuire is a funny stand -up comedian, he doesn't have like an unusual stomach.

[435] It's a normal, he looks like a normal guy.

[436] If he's standing there.

[437] That's stupid.

[438] Like, to be sure that that was his.

[439] Like if you had, like, if you saw Joey Diaz's stomach and like a side view, you're like, yeah, that looks like we're out right.

[440] That's about Joey.

[441] If you saw a silhouette and someone said, whose stomach is that?

[442] You wouldn't go Tony Hinchcliff.

[443] Right.

[444] You know, but Chris McGuire, fuck, man. It could be Jamie.

[445] It could be Chris McGuire.

[446] Now I want to know.

[447] Now I want to see it.

[448] I wish he could...

[449] It's normal.

[450] I want to see your dick.

[451] Come on.

[452] I want to see your dick.

[453] Yeah, he's a great guy too.

[454] Chris McGuire.

[455] Him, Greg Fitzsimmons, and I started out within a week of each other.

[456] That's so crazy.

[457] Yeah.

[458] It's interesting.

[459] It's interesting all these years later.

[460] I have that same thing with a few guys and it's amazing because there's definitely like a special bond that happens when you know that you start around the same time yeah for sure yeah and you'd known each other through the whole process of being fucking horrible totally incompetent but just starry -eyed for the the idea of being a comic and chasing these dreams together and there's nothing more fun than when you see one of those guys doing something cool yeah but it's cool just seeing comics do something cool and we all been talking about this at the store lately that this is one of the things about this generation and this uh this era as it were is that a good thing to say this era of comedy but this time is that people like comics are real supportive of each other and i don't think that ever existed before there wasn't like a bunch of comics promoting each other on shows like the way people are now it didn't really exist before because there was so few spots like if you got on tv you had to covet it you had it this is mine it was like this famine mentality.

[461] But now that a lot of what we're doing is internet driven, whether it's your Netflix special which comes out this Friday January 18th.

[462] 15th.

[463] January 15th.

[464] January 15th, one shot.

[465] It's available this Friday.

[466] Whether it's stuff like that, which is internet based, which is almost all of the fucking specials that you're hearing about now are these internet -based specials.

[467] And television shows that are internet based.

[468] I mean, Netflix is just, they have so much fucking programming now.

[469] There's so many different things that you can watch that are internet based that I think comics have, like most of us have gotten to podcasts, a giant amount of us.

[470] And you realize, like, this is way more fun and way easier to do than a television show.

[471] Yeah.

[472] And through that, everybody says, yeah, you should do it too, and you should do it too.

[473] And they all do it together.

[474] And you develop this weird network.

[475] And this is like a network of supporters.

[476] So I think when we all see someone who's doing really good, you know, it's a It's interesting.

[477] It's interesting to watch.

[478] It's like, ooh, it's happening again.

[479] Yeah.

[480] You know?

[481] It's amazing.

[482] Brian, your new podcast was in the top 15.

[483] Yeah, it got down to seven at one point.

[484] Really?

[485] That's amazing.

[486] That's amazing.

[487] We had him on the second episode.

[488] That's awesome, dude.

[489] I'm so glad you decided to do it too.

[490] Because you, you know, you have a very unusual sense of humor that a lot of people like.

[491] It's like trying to find the right vehicle for it.

[492] It's like, I think the right vehicle for you is just, you know, you have a very unusual sense of humor that a lot of people like.

[493] Just do your own thing.

[494] Do your own thing.

[495] And when you do, do it, it's fucking fun.

[496] Because you get to be free.

[497] You get to be you.

[498] You know, you're just such a silly weirdo.

[499] And I'm trying to lose 40 pounds in three months, the first three months of the episodes.

[500] So I weigh in every episode.

[501] And today I weighed in 14 pounds less since January 1st.

[502] Wow.

[503] That's awesome, man. I love doing these with you, too.

[504] I mean, it's always fun.

[505] We always have a good time.

[506] It's always silly.

[507] But I'm really glad you're doing your own as well because I think that.

[508] it's going to be I think it's going to be real successful it's going to be and it's it's all it's it's something that you can pursue and like you could say I want to talk to this interesting person I want to talk to this cool guy like maybe I can get him on my podcast and then all of a sudden you get him and you're sitting there talking to this person and as a per as a human being like if you're allowed to pursue your interests like that it's it's very enriching and I think what the audience gets out of it and that's such a fucking pompous word but that is what it's like it's like enriching And what the audience gets out of it, it's like, they get to go on this, like, really cool adventure with you.

[509] And some of the best aspects of the adventure, like having conversations with these cool and funny and interesting people, they get to be in on them.

[510] They get to sit there and be a part of, like, your little adventure through choosing your interests.

[511] And so that's why I think everybody should, every, like, comic who has any interest in it whatsoever should have a podcast.

[512] because you get to see them go down their little, the adventure of their interests, you know.

[513] Like if you listen to Bill Burr's podcast, like I don't pay attention to football.

[514] It's the only part I can't listen to when he starts talking about football and they should have done this and the defense was that.

[515] I don't, because he's a football fucking fanatic.

[516] But the rest of it is just Bill talking about how he's living his life and how he's going through his life.

[517] And it's really interesting.

[518] it's really interesting to follow someone follow their interests follow like what make what's what's curious to them like when you don't have any other agenda like when your agenda isn't man what i we need to get good ratings we're going to need to get some people in here that are doing some things that people are aware of which is how you think of like every other talk show right they all become almost generic in a way because even like letterman who is like fiercely independent and very smart and just overly critical of like shitty stuff and a smart guy like didn't like his own stuff half the time he would do his own show and it would be brilliant and he'd be like fuck i hate myself like he was crazy like that right that was like the thing about letterman but who did he have on a show he's like regular people man who's selling a fucking movie who's selling a song who's selling this who's got a tv show and it's the same thing and so dave would have humorous uh conversations with these people and say funny stuff but the bottom line is that's not who he chooses that's not what he wants to do right if he is If you could say all cost aside, all consideration of ratings aside, who would you want to talk to, Dave?

[519] Then you would get a chance to see.

[520] But the way the system is set up, even though it's a fantastic system if it works out, and you get something like the Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show, which I think is excellent.

[521] I think Jimmy Fallon's the best tonight show guy ever.

[522] I have a showcase for it tonight.

[523] Really?

[524] I think he's the best.

[525] He's fucking great.

[526] I can't talk about anything that I've been working on.

[527] That's what's funny, though.

[528] I have this brand new 15 minute chunk that I'm just in love with right now like it's just expanding and breathing and I'm talking about crazy crazy shit but I thought I was thinking about it on the way here because I just got the call my manager's like hey are you available to do a tonight show showcase tonight and I'm literally like yeah heck yeah and I get off the phone and I start thinking about everything I've been working out and I know for a fact I can't do any of it not a single bit that sucks yeah I know that feeling like you get these new weapons Oh, yeah.

[529] And they're right there.

[530] And I know I would kill harder than anybody else on this.

[531] I don't even know who's on it, but I just know how I feel about my material right now is like I'm in like championship mode.

[532] And with this new stuff, though, that's what's crazy.

[533] It's like I'm going to have to really figure out and finangle something.

[534] Well, look at it this way.

[535] Think of the Tonight Show with no censorship.

[536] Think of the Tonight Show on Netflix.

[537] How good would that show be?

[538] Totally.

[539] How good would that show be if someone like Jamie Fox could go on and sit next to the couch and say whatever the fuck you want?

[540] You know, someone like Mike Tyson swearing.

[541] You know, someone, why did I go with two black people?

[542] I love your Jamie Fox love.

[543] I love that guy.

[544] I think Jamie Fox is amazing.

[545] If you heard his interview with Tim Ferriss, you would look at him in a different life.

[546] Like, I've always thought he was insanely talented.

[547] Like the fact that he could play Ray Charles.

[548] Right.

[549] And then he played that, um, the guy with mentally.

[550] illness that was a homeless guy was a musician and the robert downy junior movie and he can act his fucking asshole and he's singing in race exactly and jango unchained i mean unbelievable when you uh you listen to his the way he talks to tim ferris you kind of get an understanding of why he's the way he is just a bad motherfucker just a super talented super super super sharp thinking dude interesting i love that guys like that exist you know like you don't necessarily want to do what they're doing but just knowing that there's people like that that exist you're like wow yeah real rock stars mm -hmm dudes are just they're operating on a fucking super high level with a lot of different things like Jamie Fox can sing his ass off yeah like he sings really good totally yeah it's insane like he could have he could just do he could do any one of those careers regularly I know it's interesting right it's interesting I don't know how much stand -up he does anymore though i don't know i think you got to doing too many different things stand -up's definitely one of those things where you gotta be doing just that yeah yeah gotta work it if you're not doing it if you're not doing it all the time boy it gets slippery huh yeah i just took uh four nights off in a row for the first time in like forever four nights in a row how'd you feel i felt i came back crushing do you think it was reinvigorating animalistic i just saw it I remember it was last night.

[551] It was my first spot in four nights, and I'm just standing in the back of the room with just fucking, like, I was like, I'm crazy, you know what I mean?

[552] I just love that shit.

[553] You're so silly, you're crazy.

[554] But literally, like, I go up there, and it was at the Irvine Improv.

[555] It was insane.

[556] This lady stood up during my set at one point, because I'm talking about this one part of one thing, where I talk about how Trump's going to win this shit, and here's why.

[557] You know what I mean?

[558] and basically like this lady stands up and you can tell that I'm a comedian on a stage everybody else could but this one lady out of 200 stands up and starts waving her arms and she's like stop stop stop I'm like oh shit but I'm still like staying in the pocket going with the joke but for another like 10 seconds but she's still like stop stop and it's my jokes were killing so I'm like you motherfucker so I bailed out and I go what the fuck is your problem lady what is so what's going on she's like Donald Trump will never be our president oh my god what makes your opinion so big that you're talking and none of these other 200 people are yelling right now I go what the fuck makes your vote such a big deal what do you do for a living and she goes well basically I'm I go what the fuck do you do for a living crowd's just going crazy she was well right now I'm unemployed I go then your vote doesn't even fucking matter You're not even paying taxes Wow, how rude This is this whole crazy thing But she ended up leaving Of course, she should have been kicked down You can't just stand up and interrupt a bit In the middle of the bit That's like, do you stand up in a movie and say Don't kill Hod Solo You don't do it Right You don't do it You can't, it's so stupid Yeah, stupid She was flipping me off It was so great I was just destroying her Her entire long walk out of the Irvine Improv It's a long walk too Yeah dude come on so much fun people need to stop hecklers need to fucking just not ever go see shows they need to stop wrong guy when you make that hour drive to irvine it's just they don't know man i think people they just don't know how ridiculous that is you know just don't think they realize that it's you're in the middle of this piece and this piece has a lot of places that it has to go to you have to go left and you have to go right and you have to trick them a little bit and then you bring it home at the end and this woman is like in the middle of this thing screaming out and it's interesting because i'm i never and i've tried here and there with jokes over you know the eight years of doing this but i'm never really uh a political guy but with this new election thing that i'm doing right now i feel like really good about it but it's amazing how the different reactions that you get around the country doing this stuff this is a charged subject man it's a charged subject in a weird time this is probably the weirdest election ever because this is the only election i can ever remember where there's only one candidate that his supporters are really fucking excited about him and then there's a bunch of other people that you're like man i don't know i don't know i mean like Bernie Sanders seems like a really nice guy you know I mean, he doesn't seem evil at all.

[559] I mean, maybe he's the best of all the choices available, except for people make money.

[560] I'd love it if he got in.

[561] I'd love it if he just won the election and was just like, I was just fucking with you guys the whole time.

[562] I'm an old white man. Go fuck yourselves.

[563] Back to the old system, you know.

[564] I don't think he would survive.

[565] I mean, he already looks like he's done a few terms.

[566] You know what I mean?

[567] He does, right?

[568] All these other presidents go in there looking good, you know?

[569] dark brown hair, and then they all come out looking like, like, uh, what's his name?

[570] I'm not who we're talking about.

[571] Well, Obama.

[572] Look at Obama.

[573] We've shown side -by -side images of him from 2009 to 2015.

[574] It's crazy.

[575] He looks like he's aged like 20 plus years.

[576] Yeah.

[577] Easily.

[578] It's a hard job, man. I don't think anybody can do it.

[579] I think at one point in time we're going to realize that the idea that we keep clinging to of a single guy that's in charge of the whole country is.

[580] stupid doesn't make any sense like why would you have one person be in charge of anything why not have like a giant gigantic team of people and why not have the influence of the public on a daily basis be tuned in to this gigantic group of people with of course reasonable filters for hysterics when something crazy happens and all of a sudden people want to nuke you know some country or something like that and for that system to change what's amazing is like I think that we would have to have basically a Trump as a president for people to really have a discussion over four years about how things have to change because of, you know, and it depends on how he does at the same time.

[581] Well, there's some of the things he says, like, I actually can, like the other day, I don't know, I was just walking out of a hotel and the news was on the TV and it says, you know, Trump says that Germany terrorist attacks are because they let those people in.

[582] That's all that I saw.

[583] And first I'm like, yeah, what an idiotic.

[584] thing to say and then I thought about it and it's like well they did let what like a million people in or something crazy well there's a real issue in Germany yeah and the the mayor of Cologne which is in this insane move was telling women how they should behave around these men and that they should stay within arm's length it's fucking crazy it's victim blaming I mean they're resorting to victim blaming to try to take focus away from the fact that what they've done is they've led in a bunch of people from another culture who behave differently.

[585] It's maybe not their fault.

[586] Maybe let's look at it this way.

[587] This is the way they lived in their other country.

[588] They're coming into your country.

[589] They're going to behave the way they've behaved all 37 years of their life.

[590] Yeah.

[591] Because that's what they do.

[592] And so now you have to deal with that in your culture.

[593] And the way to deal with it is not to say women should fucking stay arms length away from these people is to educate these people.

[594] about the rules of this place.

[595] You can't do that.

[596] You can't just sexually assault women.

[597] Girls could dress however the fuck they want.

[598] And you can't tell those girls, now you're on your own.

[599] You just have to stay arms -length away from somebody.

[600] You can't.

[601] Because everybody's so scared of being racist.

[602] Everybody's so scared of being Islamophobic that they don't want to point out, forget about ideologies, or forget about skin color, people of origin.

[603] You have some people that are doing something that's not good to some people that haven't had these things done to them like this before.

[604] You've got to figure out what to do.

[605] You let in a different culture.

[606] It's not their fault, but it is.

[607] It is what it is.

[608] You know what I'm saying?

[609] I mean, it's not, you can't deny that it exists.

[610] It is.

[611] It is a thing.

[612] And there's a lot of people that are pointing to, they're pointing to letting people like that in this country.

[613] And they're saying, well, you know, what are we going to do?

[614] What are we going to do if Syrian refugees come into America?

[615] Are we just going to invite a million Syrian refugees in America?

[616] And if you look at the history of America, that's what people have always done.

[617] We've always let in people from other countries that are trying to get away.

[618] I mean, that's how this country got founded.

[619] So ideally, we'd all want to say, yeah, these are the people that are running away from the people that are doing terrible things to them.

[620] But you're going to get some shitheads.

[621] You're definitely going to get some shitheads.

[622] So how do you do with that?

[623] That's a good question.

[624] I don't think that's a question for one person.

[625] I mean, even one person in a cabinet and one person has, like, veto power and what?

[626] Man, I think there should be a fucking team of PhDs and super smart motherfuckers who get evaluated on a regular basis for ego problems, alcoholism, all the above.

[627] I mean, you should have, if you're testing mixed martial arts fighters, see if they're on steroids, you should be testing congressmen and senators to see if they're fucking crazy.

[628] Right.

[629] See if they're, what are they on?

[630] You know, what kind of fucking antidepressants are you on that's affecting your judgment?

[631] What, you know, how often do you take Valium?

[632] How often do you take Ambien to go to sleep?

[633] What do you, what happens?

[634] You lose a sleep cycle there or something?

[635] Is there some wacky, non -sleep that's going on when you're ambient out of your head?

[636] Oh, yeah.

[637] Viagra, these congressmen.

[638] What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony?

[639] What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony?

[640] Making their weaners bigger.

[641] Wow.

[642] I'm sure?

[643] Yeah, I think.

[644] Jesus.

[645] Yeah.

[646] congressmen and senators and representatives state representatives this is a representative government it's all a weird popularity contest like Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor like that doesn't make a good choice any sense but it does he's a fiscally conservative guy who's open -minded in a sense of like socially open -minded like in terms of how we views gay people and and even recreational drug use and things along those lines.

[647] He's very open -minded, almost like with a libertarian bent, but a Republican.

[648] So it actually, he wasn't a bad choice.

[649] He didn't do a great job.

[650] But guess what?

[651] You're dealing with a bunch of shit, a bunch of red tape and bullshit.

[652] And if you ever hear him describe his time in office, it's pretty interesting stuff.

[653] Like you don't realize, I think, from the outside, like some like you or I have zero political aspirations or motivations or once you get in, man you're dealing with this like insane system of like how things get done and how people will filibuster and people will block this because it'll anger their constituents because these people are paying for that and these people are paying you to make sure that this doesn't pass through because that'll get that through watch house of cards yeah i just started oh my god that's great favorite thing i don't know how accurate it is but if it's even fucking 10 % we're doomed yeah exactly If it's even 10 % It's a great show though Yeah Kevin Spacey's a bad motherfucker Yeah I love it When he looks at the camera And just starts talking Yeah He's another one He's a different guy in this He's a different guy in this show With a very distinct accent And you buy it You're not going Like that's Kevin Spacey Right He just becomes that person He becomes another person Frank Underwood What's going on with that shirt Brian?

[654] What is that?

[655] What?

[656] Oh the security guard shirt Is that what it is?

[657] Yeah I got a thrift store It's funny when I wear it because I went to Starbucks and like Mexicans gave me double looks real quick.

[658] It was pretty funny.

[659] They thought you were security?

[660] How rude.

[661] That's so racist.

[662] But it happens twice.

[663] Today it happened twice.

[664] Why is it that they chose a blue color with like a dark blue pocket thing for security?

[665] That's universal.

[666] It looks like he got his badge ripped off him because it's all ripped.

[667] A violent struggle.

[668] Maybe he did it himself when he quit.

[669] Fucked his job.

[670] Yeah.

[671] That's what you want to do when you quit the sheriff's apartment, right?

[672] You pull that star off and you throw it on the ground.

[673] I'm done.

[674] You've watched Making a Murderer, right?

[675] I have not watched Making Murder.

[676] Oh, wow.

[677] I know, I keep hearing it.

[678] Oh, wow.

[679] I watch Soaked and Bleach.

[680] Yeah, that's good.

[681] Drop it.

[682] I was going to say what you think about that.

[683] Soaked in bleach?

[684] Yeah, like, yeah.

[685] Hoo.

[686] There's a lot in that movie, man. That's the movie that alleges that Courtney Love was involved in some way in Kirk Cobain's death.

[687] It's too long of a movie, but yeah.

[688] It's too long?

[689] Yeah.

[690] If you watch the other movie, and then watch that movie which other movie the official one with his daughter made Francis what is it called again montage of heck yeah that's the HBO one right that's that seems more like closer to what I think really happened you know I didn't see that one just drugs and and it doesn't make Courtney look like she's murdering it just looks like he wanted to kill himself the whole time and he put it in his lyrics he wrote about it he he was you know it was like it was going to happen I mean that's what that movie made it seem more like it's so hard to decipher when someone's gone what they were what they actually thought and what they actually were like because when you put it through the filter of what we know about how we describe other people and might be off about something or how people describe the past and they try to idealize certain aspects of it like if it was made by his daughter she wasn't alive when he was doing that so she's getting it from other people who were there who you know he's getting it from his own music and journals it has home movies and it has everything in it like that it's pretty much I believe that I feel like montage of heck is like a documentary about Kurt Cobain and soaked in bleach is a documentary about the possibility of Courtney killing him yeah and I'll tell you this is that no matter what happened it's unbelievable how bad the Seattle Police Department dropped the ball on that to walk in on some guy that just killed himself that's worth God only knows what.

[691] I mean, I don't even know if they say during that, but you know, his collection has to be worth what, at least $100 million or something crazy.

[692] Well, it was just a bad police department.

[693] Yeah.

[694] It was just, what it was is a high profile case in a bad police department, but now imagine that they had probably been running that police department in a shitty way for as long as that guy had been running it.

[695] Yeah.

[696] Because as long as you're a regular person that doesn't have the public's eye paying attention to the case with extreme scrutiny and again this is in 1994 right you know today it would be a different animal today it would be in social media and it would blow up and it'd be gigantic it'd be way more scrutiny but back then they could kind of consolidate everything they can compartmentalize everything and they just shitted the whole thing up they they're their fucking their accounts differed from the first responders accounts their description of the room differed there's so much of it that was off it was that they're they're terrible you know and it was just they had never done a high profile case so their terrible police work hadn't been revealed to anybody that wasn't like the victim of it.

[697] You know, someone who, I mean, I'm assuming that if they fucked up this case, he probably fucked up other ones as well.

[698] You're going to shit yourself when you watch this show, man. You should just cut all the shows off right now and just watch the first episode and you will...

[699] Making a murderer?

[700] Yeah, you will go crazy.

[701] You'll go crazy.

[702] You'll have podcasts for weeks about it.

[703] I'm scared.

[704] I'm scared to dive deep into this fucking guy's, poor guy's life.

[705] It's crazy.

[706] It's unbelievable.

[707] Hey, man. Police officers are people.

[708] people.

[709] That's it.

[710] There's going to be real good ones and real bad ones.

[711] This is no doubt about it.

[712] And just because you get through the fucking academy tests and get into the position, it doesn't mean you've got your shit together or you're worthy.

[713] It just means you didn't fuck up yet.

[714] And just because you're a cop doesn't mean you're a bad person.

[715] There's a lot of cops that are fucking awesome.

[716] They're great people.

[717] And that's a job that they think is, it's important.

[718] It's a job that they think is very beneficial to our society.

[719] And they do it the best they can.

[720] And those people are important.

[721] Those people are the ones that get overlooked.

[722] And when you see terrible cops doing terrible things, those are terrible, when you see terrible people doing terrible things, do you give up on people?

[723] Do you say, fuck, man, I hate people now.

[724] Some guy just stomped a kitten to death on a YouTube video.

[725] I hate people.

[726] I hate people.

[727] I can't, I fucking, I don't want to talk to anybody anymore.

[728] That's ridiculous because most of us would never do that.

[729] And I think that's the same thing with cops.

[730] There's a lot of fucking cops.

[731] And they're dealing with a lot of interactions every day.

[732] Every day, all day long.

[733] You're dealing with people stealing things, people doing things to people, and people who might do things to you.

[734] And they're fucking, they're just overwhelmed with stress all the time.

[735] Especially now that the media is coming out of hard.

[736] Oh, God.

[737] And a lot of them are bad.

[738] I just spent a couple days on a top secret project, but with cops.

[739] And it is, I learned so much.

[740] You learn a lot immediately about the current perception.

[741] Like, you know, they're very, you know, defensive.

[742] and it's incredible to watch.

[743] But like, so it got me more into like, I've been watching a lot of these police shootings and things.

[744] There's not many where, you know, if you're going for a gun, like, if you have your hand in your pocket and they're like, take your hand out of your pocket, you have to take your hand out of your pocket.

[745] I don't have any sympathy for anyone who doesn't do that immediately.

[746] And I get it.

[747] There's like mental health issues and stuff.

[748] And I think that's the exception to it.

[749] And yeah, sometimes it's totally, like you said, incident.

[750] incident but the media really really messed up the cops man everybody's on edge with them right now and well wait how can you see the media mess them up when there's all these videos of cops shooting people for no reason doing terrible shit like planting evidence that guy that throws the taser down when he shoots that guy who's running away from him there's a lot of like really hardcore video evidence of cops doing terrible things i think they just have to look at it in a balanced perspective the media's not doing anything wrong by reporting these things they're Making those cops accountable.

[751] Right.

[752] But I think what we have to be really careful is blaming all cops.

[753] Exactly.

[754] And I think that's where, like, the media makes it a little bit blander than just the specific guy.

[755] They use the word police instead of officer, blah, blah, blah.

[756] Well, how about this?

[757] Like, if you saw something and you saw a cop, like, in a YouTube video, do something and you did something terrible, when you see another cop, that guy, you're not in the same city.

[758] You don't even know this guy.

[759] This guy's just a person.

[760] you don't you don't make him responsible for something that some guy did in north carolina but kind of people do kind of people do if you go and watch some youtube video of some cop doing some horrible shit in the oakland subway and then all of a sudden you're in downtown l .A. and some cop looks at you funny like you fucking pig you know like you hate that guy because of something that someone else did that's in his organization that he most likely's never met in his life imagine if we did that with people imagine if some person did something fucked up in New York and you're down in Florida and you're like fucking piece of shit and this guy's like, what are you talking about?

[761] I know what you are man, you're a fucking person.

[762] You're a regular dude with a dick and I know what that guy did in New York and you're just like him like what?

[763] This one cop told me you know like a kid ran up to him the other day like he's walking down a sidewalk or whatever donut shop or somewhere and like a little kid walks up and is like hey you know hi Mr. officer like a little like you know three or four year old And some lady walks over and she grabs her little boy and is like, no, you stay away from these, you know, murders like that.

[764] And had an in -depth talk with this police officer.

[765] And it's like not only is that terrible that they're being called a murder, but imagine the feeling of like knowing that that's the next generation and that's the type of, you know, things that they're being taught about police officers right now.

[766] I think that there's two ways I look at it.

[767] I think in one way I look at it that the police are necessary and that we need police because we have too much crime and we have too much violence and it's just it's the way it is now is like there are shield that protects us from bad people.

[768] But another part of me looks at it and says that the dynamic of a person in control with ultimate lethal power and then everyone else around them is a bad dynamic.

[769] it's not a it's it the dynamic in and of itself can create conflict because there's always going to be resistance to this idea of someone who lives amongst you who has ultimate power over you and who if the chips go down the wrong way they might shoot you and kill you and they can get away with that and they could say you attack them or you were reaching for something they thought was a gun who knows what kind of personal vendetta they might have against you who knows what kind of stress they might have been under when they pulled the trigger but they could do it to you they're allowed to have a gun on them and you you can't even if you're a guy who's never done anything wrong and you're walking around you're gonna feel weird around cops like you you you'll maybe you respect them intellectually you'll say thank you for your service I appreciate everything you guys are doing stay safe but in the back your head you fucking know that if things got ugly they could shoot you like if somehow or another you got in an altercation with them you it you go towards them and you're in somehow or another way threatening or physical, they'll gun you down.

[770] You know, they'll gun your dog down.

[771] If your dog starts running at them and barking, we've seen videos of that.

[772] Adrenaline, man. That really just puts a blanket on your head.

[773] That's like when you say, when people say, you know, get your hand out of your pocket, man, that guy's adrenaline's overtaken his body to the point he doesn't understand words.

[774] I mean, I got robbed.

[775] I had no idea what was going on.

[776] Exactly.

[777] Exactly.

[778] That's a real good point.

[779] It's a real good point as far as the people they pull over.

[780] When you get a - Dude, I got pulled down.

[781] Yeah, and I feel like I'm shady when the cop comes up.

[782] And there's like nothing even going, you know what I mean?

[783] I'm just like, you know.

[784] And all of a sudden I'll be like turning down the radio and they're like, take your hand out of the middle there, put your hand on the, I'm like, oh, God.

[785] And then my like hands go up, you know what I mean?

[786] I said the steering wheel, you know, it's like I haven't even seen this guy yet.

[787] And I'm, yeah, it is.

[788] It's really, it just takes over everything.

[789] Yeah, and imagine, you know, you pull someone over and there's some broccoli.

[790] Lesder looking motherfucker sitting in the driver's seat and he doesn't want to make eye contact to you and says what did I do wrong officer and you're like oh shit Oh Jesus Have a nice day sir You know if this guy gets out of the truck He's just going to literally rip you to pieces Or he might pull out a machine gun Under his car seat start gunning you down Who knows?

[791] Who knows?

[792] When you're pulling some guy over You don't know if he's got a body in the trunk You don't know if he's got a hundred kilos of cocaine And his spare tire you don't know shit How much of the hundred?

[793] That seemed like a lot 100 kilos would be like 220 pounds or something like that 22 pounds 100 kilos of acid paper acid oh my god that's enough acid to kill the world right but you don't know man you pull somebody over even a woman she could be some crazy bitch she just got done killing her entire family and she's she's driving to her house to kill her too did you see the video that was released like two days ago from boston of a guy recording his ex -girlfriend uh just breaking his windows scratch his car then he goes outside to be like look look what she did she like crushed my bumper and then out of nowhere like she just comes from behind going like 50 miles an hour and hits him with his car no he misses just by an inch but it hits his car and uh if jammy could pull up that video you will freak i mean the the anger this crazy woman and that right there she's uh supposedly has already gone to court twice and uh said that he has hit her and done all the shit but just watching this video go oh no look at this poor guy what he's That guy needs to get one of those That guy needs to get one of those sperm switches Make sure he doesn't Knocked up Yeah, he will wind up fucking her again If she's that crazy You know what kind of pussy she must be thrown around?

[794] Oh yeah Just fucking liquid thunder She's been Wrecking that dude Oh yeah God And yeah he couldn't leave his house He just had to He was like kid Like it was scary being in that situation Because she seemed like she would pull out a gun And just start shooting him or Well anybody to try to hit you with a car Right that's uh that you might as well be shooting at me right trying to hit someone with a car that's death oh yeah okay let's give us some volume young chamois this is what he's showing what she did so you just keyed the start of my car actually just got painted over because that's loud again oh my god oh my god she's got a mercedes and what does he have a honda he she tried to hit him yeah what she just tried to hit him yeah what she just tried to hit him with the car and then if you saw the beginning of it she's outside just smashing windows but dude he didn't even know she was coming no he wasn't even looking and she almost killed him oh she's coming back no way yeah oh my god she knocked my vehicle into my neighbor's vehicle this bitch is crazy back that ass up who who what is she gonna do and i'm going inside because I want to avoid any further issues.

[795] She rammed.

[796] Okay, I think she's going to finish her Mercedes into his Honda.

[797] I think she's finishing up on the car.

[798] Oh, my gosh.

[799] She's coming out with a crowbar.

[800] I got to broke his back.

[801] No, she has just smashed my window, my rear windshield.

[802] Yeah, and at the beginning, she broke windows in his house, and he's in the house.

[803] Like, she's breaking my windows in my house now.

[804] Whoa.

[805] It's a freaky video.

[806] Does that make your blood pressure go up?

[807] Jesus Christ, crazy.

[808] When she got out of her car with the crowbar, I was like, oh, shit.

[809] shit this just got real as fuck that's how people died she got him she got him arrested earlier like previously because he was at her his brother's house or something and she just said like he was beating her up and the cops came and arrested him yeah so it's been tormenting him for like a long time i hope that devil's advocate what if she's telling the truth and he was beating her up and she's like enough of this punk -ass motherfucker i'm going over his house at a crowbar i'm gonna run this bitch over with a fucking truck right and fun fact if you google her name name Jamie or his name I don't know if you can find this but they actually were a rap duo and they have rap videos together oh my god what have you done what spiral have you let us down i hope he at least did something good you know what i mean like banged a supermodel or something because you know i'd be really disappointed to find out that like he left her with a bill at like red lobster or something like that she's like just furious yeah what could have possible been that bad that she wanted to kill him with a car.

[810] Well, to ram a Mercedes into his Honda is like, you know, it's like throwing fucking money at somebody's face.

[811] Like, you piece of shit, I hate you.

[812] Well, that's a pumped move, though.

[813] That's a pumped up move.

[814] Yeah, it is.

[815] You're pumped up.

[816] You fucking throw him money in someone's face.

[817] Bitch.

[818] You don't give him a fuck.

[819] Didn't someone did that to like to P. Diddy.

[820] It was like a story and some article about some violence that had broken out in this club.

[821] People were getting shot.

[822] Because some guy showed up at one of P. Diddy's things, you know, P. Diddy's, like, famous for going to these clubs, and he'd have the velvet rope and all this money and all his bottles.

[823] And that was his whole thing, right?

[824] His whole thing was flossing.

[825] And some guy came up to him and, like, threw $100 bills in his face.

[826] Oh, that had to hurt.

[827] I bet one of his eyes got puffy.

[828] And then, that's a puff daddy joke right there.

[829] That's maybe when he became ditty.

[830] Didn't like being puffy anymore.

[831] Maybe that was, maybe they corresponded.

[832] Yeah.

[833] It depends.

[834] Yeah, but something happened.

[835] I mean, that was, I think somebody got shot in that incident, right?

[836] Didn't somebody get shot or trampled or something like that?

[837] I'm pretty sure.

[838] I'm trying to look it up right now.

[839] I think Chris Brown was involved, and there was something about a bottle getting broken and someone's eye got lost.

[840] Oh, that's a different one.

[841] That's a different one.

[842] No, that's a different one.

[843] That's a recent one.

[844] The P. Diddy one, he might even been Puff Daddy, was in New York.

[845] That other one was out here.

[846] But, I mean, I'm sure there's been a lot of incidents.

[847] He's got to fight with Drake at a club, too.

[848] P. Diddy?

[849] Yeah.

[850] How dare.

[851] Who won?

[852] Please tell me, Drake.

[853] I don't know It was over a girl Oh man Fighting over chicks I just sent you the video The music video Of the two people Jamie Throwing money In a guy's face Is a real Like I mean That's like the ultimate Like hitting a man With a glove Or whatever Like starting a duel It's the energy That's put out to the world It's perfect Yeah Because like If you see P. Diddy Walking down the beach With a dude Who's holding an umbrella Over his head Have you seen that?

[854] No You haven't seen that Uh -uh He has a man -servant and the man -servant will follow him around with an umbrella oh my god oh yes here we go jamie his name is barnsworth bentley his name is barnsworth apparently that's amazing he's a character he's a character in a spider -man comic book barnsworth can i have my umbrella please i mean if for if p ditty was like some diabolical look at this he's got a guy following him around with an umbrella oh my god And the gentleman has a bow tie on.

[855] Why wouldn't you have a girl do that?

[856] You know, like if I won the power ball, I'll have that.

[857] But a girl, and she has to wear a bikini.

[858] I don't know, man. Well, it's a weird position.

[859] But maybe it's a really good gig.

[860] Like, maybe he just gets to jet all over the world and wear bow ties.

[861] And just all he has to do is hold an umbrella.

[862] How fucking hard is that?

[863] In a fake world, what if he did he liked guys, and that was a way to have his boyfriend always with him?

[864] In a fake world.

[865] I've gotten a word.

[866] What a thinly veiled.

[867] Attempted humor.

[868] Farnsworth Bentley attends the 2003 MTV Music Video Wars.

[869] I've gotten to work and hang out with Snoop Dog quite a bit, and he has an Asian guy, his only job, and he's the best at it, is rolling blunts.

[870] And he just rolls blunts, and he's just the best blunt roller, and it just comes up, and it's like, hey, this is, you know, I don't remember his name exactly, but it's like, this is blah, blah, he's the blunt roller guy.

[871] And he just, and when you hit it, it just is like, you, it's like a rate laser coming at you.

[872] You know how the end of anything cherries up?

[873] It's always even, it's perfect.

[874] He does it with his hands?

[875] Yeah, like a science.

[876] Like a old school?

[877] He really, like, really, like, massages it.

[878] You could tell that he really takes his time.

[879] Very adhesive, perfect cylinder.

[880] Damn.

[881] Hand rolled.

[882] You can almost tell that it was like.

[883] just rolled there's no substitute for quality and craftsmanship it's true and you know i understand you're snoop dog you smoke blunts all day continuously and he does like you you know you see all these all these different celebrities have their things and you're like oh i bet he doesn't he doesn't really like that offstage but like snoop's just he's unbelievably hilarious when it comes to smoking yeah you would think that the blunts i wonder what kind of paper they're using are they using like legit blunt which is what a blunt is for folks you're not aware is they take a cigarette or rather a cigar and take the tobacco out and then put weed in and roll it up together and I never had one until I hung out with Charlie Murphy and his cousin rich whew they fuck you out daughter daughter first because you're breathing in the tobacco smoke which is an added element and it does something it opens up your capillaries and your lungs so that more THC gets in your blood.

[884] It also has an effect of its own.

[885] You know, the nicotine in the tobacco leaf has an effect of its own.

[886] And it's also unusual in the fact that that tobacco leaf is generally not inhaled.

[887] When you smoke a tobacco cigar, you puff it.

[888] But you don't take the big, deep, inhaling, like lung -filling breaths that you do when you smoke weed.

[889] So if you smoke a blunt, it's really kind of the only time you're breathing that smoke in.

[890] And it's a serious irritant.

[891] I think that's real unhealthy for you to smoke those tobacco leaves all the way down.

[892] Right.

[893] I think you can't do that every day.

[894] That's why, you know, Gino's little, that electronic cigarette blunt, that thing tastes great, and you don't have to do the nicotine part of it.

[895] No, Gino's the shit.

[896] L .A. Speedweed.

[897] He knows what he's doing, man. He got pulled down from Instagram.

[898] Isn't that hilarious?

[899] Instagram deleted his account or suspended his account or whatever.

[900] the hell they did because he's weed related.

[901] He's operating within the California laws he's selling something that everybody loves how come you have all these wine companies that have Instagram accounts and all these beer companies which I like wine I like beer we all do.

[902] What's wrong with weed?

[903] Gino's service is like the greatest thing ever by the way he should get back at Instagram by making a promo that's like the Instagram special where like you get a gram of pot like within 10 minutes.

[904] Some type of crazy promotion where it's like, hey, do you hear about the Instagram thing?

[905] Just use them as a marketing thing?

[906] Yeah, that's funny.

[907] Instagram's bitches, man. I can't believe that Twitter.

[908] They're great.

[909] It's just they're a company.

[910] They're trying to fucking make some money.

[911] I get it.

[912] How is it, though, that Twitter, you're allowed to see buttholes, but Instagram, you can't even see nipples, you know, like...

[913] Well, I think Twitter, because of the fact that you can see all that stuff, there's like a more, maybe more of a limit in as far as, like, kind of ads they'll get, whereas maybe Instagram, because they've been proactive in censoring people's material, censoring the images and stuff that you're allowed to put up, you know, maybe they can sell more of those sponsored Instagram ads that way.

[914] They have a lot of those sponsored ads.

[915] You know, you see them all the time now in your feed.

[916] Yeah.

[917] I don't have a problem with it.

[918] You could show buttholes on Twitter.

[919] Yeah.

[920] You can do whatever you want on Twitter.

[921] I think sponsored ads on Instagram are probably the least offensive ads ever because they take a fucking half of a second to go through.

[922] Whereas an ad on TV is the most offensive.

[923] You're watching The Walking Dead and they're about to get jacked by zombies and it fucking fades to black and it's, don't you want your car to shine like new?

[924] It's unbelievable.

[925] You're like, you fuckers.

[926] You fuckers have ruined the entire mood of this awesome show to sell me some wax or whatever the fuck you're selling.

[927] Yeah, the artist took time to set a tone.

[928] and a feel.

[929] So much better if you watch it on iTunes.

[930] It's crazy to me. I remember when we were making the show The Burn a couple years ago on Comedy Central, Jeff Ross Show, and I wrote and produced it.

[931] And, you know, it was the only show that I ever watched on TV because I was always doing stand -up and stuff, and I didn't even, like, have a TV, you know, that's back like, this is like four or five years ago.

[932] Anyway, but after every, going into every commercial break during this comedy show that's at 10 .30 at night it was always a life alert commercial like straight into like I've fallen and I need help I'm dying here you know what I mean like who's going to save your grandma if you don't have life alert and it's like now back to your comedy experience it's like the worst type of stuff it's terrible it's well we all know that from doing stand -up or from going to the movies you know if a movie got interrupted every 15 minutes for commercial you know how fucking pissed you would be at the end of that movie.

[933] The problem with network television is the model that they're using, where you interrupt shows and show these commercials.

[934] It sucks.

[935] It sucks, and you're stuck with it.

[936] You've got to figure out a whole new way to show ads because people are done.

[937] And so their idea was, well, we'll just make ads more interesting.

[938] We'll just make ads more creative.

[939] And they did that, to a certain extent, but they still suck.

[940] Yeah.

[941] Nobody wants to see them.

[942] Even if it's the most awesome ad ever, It's interrupting whether or not fucking Rick is going to get jacked by the zombies.

[943] Right.

[944] And that's their cable.

[945] That's even more fucked up.

[946] It's like AMC and, you know, the independent film channel, IFC and all these different channels.

[947] Those are cable.

[948] They can do whatever they want.

[949] Like they have to, they have to censor themselves to ensure that they get the right ads.

[950] So they self -censor just to get ads.

[951] It's not like the ABC, CBS, NBC, those are governed by the.

[952] FCC and so when when you're on television you're not allowed to swear you're not allowed to like there's a law but on cable there's no fucking laws that's why they say shit now unless they say asshole like there's a lot of shows they get real close to saying fuck you but they don't really say fuck you but they get real close and that's because they're on cable the only reason why they don't do everything full nudity do whatever they want is ads it's it's why HBO gets away with just going buck wild no ads but try getting people to pay for shit today like if they don't produce things like game of thrones if they don't have like uh specials like Whitney coming special they don't have like a lot of original content Amy Schumer's last special a lot of original content where people are going to seek it out specifically but big time fights whenever they have big time fights on HBO if it's not that it's hard getting people to pay today yeah it really is I mean but at the same time it sort of isn't like i feel like it's hard for like the middle of the country i think is making the transition now but netflix is up to over 75 million subscribers or something every day it's going up by millions yeah and HBO is i think at like 25 million households right now wow so you know i mean i i personally i run completely off of i have netflix and i have HBO go and that is it like if there's a sporting event on the TV then I have to go to a local you know bar or something or restaurant to check it out that's just how I roll you just don't want cable or satellite or anything like that you know I don't I don't ever use it I don't ever use it the only thing that might come on is like a college football game or the UFC or something like that yeah but you have the UFC pass now like I I mean I cut the cable bill I haven't looked back at all you know with Hulu plus and and you have the UFC app where it's just that's all you need A lot of people go in that direction now.

[953] Yeah.

[954] That's what they think the future is.

[955] They think the future is not going to be television, especially now that TVs hook up to HTML cables, they hook up to computers right away, and a lot of TVs are now getting online.

[956] Like a lot of TVs out of the box have online ability.

[957] And so they act as a small computer.

[958] So you'll just be able to go straight.

[959] Like my TV by itself, go straight to YouTube.

[960] I can go to YouTube.

[961] Like, what the fuck?

[962] Yeah, it's great.

[963] Through iTunes, you do everything.

[964] iTunes connects you to Netflix, Apple TV, connects you to Netflix.

[965] Did you get the new one yet?

[966] I tell you, that's worth the upgrade.

[967] It's one of my favorite things ever.

[968] Just being able to go, uh, Steve Martin, and it pulls up every single Steve Martin movie.

[969] Oh my God, you talk to it?

[970] Yeah, you just tell it.

[971] So you're like, you know, Walking Dead.

[972] And then you click on Walking Dead, it says, available on Hulu or iTunes or Netflix, and it just takes you right there.

[973] Good, googly -moog.

[974] Yeah.

[975] That's what Puff Daddy has Barnsworth do.

[976] He just says something.

[977] Walking Dead Barnesworth.

[978] Does he have to massage his feet at the end of a long day?

[979] Totally.

[980] Oh, yeah.

[981] Get the lotion.

[982] But, okay, but if it's Barnesworth's choice, like, let's say if Barnesworth was, like, living in Columbus and he's working at a tire factory.

[983] And I was just like, and then all of a sudden this guy came to town and go, dude, I've been looking for a guy to carry my umbrella.

[984] I'll pay you a million dollars a year.

[985] Yeah.

[986] You got to go with me to Paris, France, and all over the world, but you'd be with me 24 hours a day.

[987] And you're at my beck and call, and you must massage my feet at the end of every night.

[988] I'd be like.

[989] He'd be like, I'm a millionaire.

[990] And I know we're in a tire factory.

[991] Pinky in.

[992] Pinky's out.

[993] No, pinky in.

[994] Oh, in him?

[995] I don't think he's asking for that, Brian.

[996] I just don't understand why you want to have a girl.

[997] Well, because he would probably start fucking her, and she would interfere in his business.

[998] And, you know, if she was hot, especially, and they're around each other all the time, at a certain point in time, she'd start complaining about not getting any dick.

[999] Like, God, these guys, I don't know what's wrong.

[1000] I mean, she's not allowed to talk.

[1001] want to have sex with me yeah you're gonna talk gotta gag these girls yeah you know you're you're finding in a human that you what you want as a robot you know you want a replicate like blade runner style which we're gonna have it's gonna happen it's 20 years away we're 20 years away from going over someone's house and they have a replicant yeah you're gonna go over your buddy's house and he's gonna have a chinese lady with giant ridiculous tits and a waste that doesn't seem to be possible for the size of our tits and ass that's out of this world And she's going to be cleaning up, and you're not going to be sure if she's real or not.

[1002] You're going to be like, um, what's that?

[1003] Is that a person?

[1004] Is this a person or is that a replicant?

[1005] And he'll pull you into the fucking kitchen, and they'll explain it to you.

[1006] Do you think when we get close to that, that they're going to first just let them out into the world and try to fool everybody to see if they can do it, like a beta test?

[1007] No, they're too expensive.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] But they're tracking them at like hardcore.

[1010] I think we'll know.

[1011] No, I think we'll know when they develop one.

[1012] When they get one to the point where it's almost like a person, we're going to know.

[1013] And it's going to be terrifying.

[1014] When they sit that one down on television and we have a robot that adjust this close and goes, so what would you like to know?

[1015] You're going to go, oh my God, what have we done?

[1016] Like, what the fuck have we done?

[1017] Yeah.

[1018] And what do we know about what this thing has done to protect itself?

[1019] What do we know about what this thing has done to ensure that the ideas that it has will continue and in some other form.

[1020] And the most important question, how do you fuck it?

[1021] Oh, you're going to be able to fuck it like you would have a normal woman.

[1022] They're going to be able to have artificial skin.

[1023] They have artificial skin that they've already developed.

[1024] So they've been able to develop skin in like some sort of an experiment where they recreated a woman's bladder.

[1025] They used stem cells and they recreated her bladder.

[1026] They created a new bladder and then they put it back into her body and it acts as a functioning bladder.

[1027] Like, they're gonna, they're gonna be able to develop artificial skin.

[1028] So when these robots, or lab -created skin.

[1029] When these robots that you can fuck become, like, easily accessible, how much longer until women go extinct?

[1030] How much longer until you go over your ex -sus house?

[1031] Your ex is, like, 60 years old.

[1032] She's dressed like the wife on Three's Company, the one, you know, Mrs. Furley.

[1033] She's dressed like Mrs. Furley.

[1034] And behind her are, and, army of seven foot tall black guys with giant dicks and they're just stroking their shafts all day.

[1035] Because she shuts that door she goes, yeah, just put it over there.

[1036] She shuts that door back to work and they just fucking stuff her all day and she takes Mr. Furley's money and she invests it in these gigantic bobsap -looking mandingo warrior dudes with giant ebony dicks.

[1037] There's her.

[1038] So she comes to the door and yeah, oh thank you Mr. UPS driver and the UPS This driver takes a look down the hallway over his shoulder and sees all these guys just stroking it, staring out the window with glowing eyes.

[1039] Oh, yeah.

[1040] Do you think a big crazy vibrating robot dicks?

[1041] Oh, yeah.

[1042] Why wouldn't they just, why wouldn't they vibrate, of course?

[1043] Oh, yeah.

[1044] They probably punch you.

[1045] Multiple switches on these fucking things.

[1046] They whip, like a whip.

[1047] Do you think you would have to clean the come out of it or if it would just reuse the comfortiers later, you know, like it was that advanced where it just used to.

[1048] Well, it lives off cum, ideally.

[1049] That's the only way it stays alive So it has to constantly be trying to turn you on I sure would love a good charging this morning From behind Please put it in my palm You know, oversensitive people right now Will be tuning in going I can't believe what they're saying I can't believe Tony Hinchcliffe is saying That women would go extinct If someone made a perfect artificial woman That did everything that a man wants With no nagging Why don't you want the nagging Why don't you want a real woman?

[1050] Yeah Yeah, because real women don't have a mute button, bitch.

[1051] How dare you?

[1052] Mute and clean.

[1053] All right, I'll be back in a couple hours.

[1054] Bye, babe.

[1055] Well, think about all the negative aspects of people, right?

[1056] Jealousy and anger and that lady fucking their homicidal rage smashing into that dude's car and then breaking all those windows.

[1057] Think about all those negative aspects of being a person.

[1058] Now, think of all the positive aspects, all the great things that people can do when they're wonderful to you and they're nice and supportive and loving and friendly and caressing and affectionate and just get rid of the bad.

[1059] stuff and then you have this perfect person maybe barnsworth is a robot and we just don't know maybe maybe p ditty is just a man of the future is that possible that there's something super shady about the guy that holds an umbrella for a living they've always existed though i mean that's the the butler and fucking batman he never wants to kick ass he never's like look i'm tired of this bullshit dude you leave me you get all this fucking press you're out there kicking ass nobody even knows me i'm down here inventing shit no he doesn't care i wonder he's always there's always been that guy yeah right There's always been the manservant role in those television shows.

[1060] I wonder if anybody's ever gone to P. Diddy's house and accidentally left the door open and Barnesworth was like, would be you born in a Barnesworth?

[1061] It'd be a great line.

[1062] Oh, you son of a bitch!

[1063] I mean, if your name's Barnesworth.

[1064] Winning Rome.

[1065] Butler's are a weird thing, right?

[1066] A man standing there with a little white towel over his arm with his hand like upright in a very correct and proper posture.

[1067] Good day, sir.

[1068] May I help you, sir?

[1069] Like someone following around getting you things.

[1070] Barnesworth, please fix me a drink.

[1071] Scotch two cubes of ice and turn the music up very low.

[1072] And please close the door when you leave.

[1073] Right away, sir.

[1074] Come in and take care of you.

[1075] Imagine a woman.

[1076] I'll be better.

[1077] Imagine also, like, switching of roles.

[1078] What if, like, you were the really, really wealthy guy and you had a, you had yourself a Barnesworth, and Barnesworth did a wonderful job, but Barnesworth had ambitions of his own, and Barnesworth left, and he left to start his own business, and that business was ultimately a gigantic success.

[1079] Boy, it took off.

[1080] But your business, all the internet came along and gutted it, and record companies just weren't making any money anymore.

[1081] Those record stores, they don't exist, and you owned a chain of them, and that's how you had Barnesworth, and they went under.

[1082] But Barnesworth, he created Napsworth, Yeah, and Barnsworth started bawling.

[1083] Barnsworth was, he figured out how to make money off of YouTube ads.

[1084] And Barnesworth, you know what he did, man?

[1085] He started selling MP3s.

[1086] Started putting that shit on iTunes.

[1087] Now Barnesworth's worked hundreds of millions of dollars.

[1088] And Barnesworth wants to hire you to be his butler.

[1089] Now what do you do?

[1090] That sounds like a great movie idea.

[1091] Yeah.

[1092] Like faceoff.

[1093] Trading faces.

[1094] Trading faces.

[1095] Yeah.

[1096] Yeah.

[1097] Well, people who have butlers would hate to be a butler.

[1098] Like, once you have a butler, you never want to go to being a butler.

[1099] Yeah.

[1100] That would be diabolical.

[1101] Yeah, once you have some dude who stands there like a knight in front of a castle with his little white, perfect tuxedo -looking jacket on, or tuxedo shirt.

[1102] I would love that.

[1103] The few times that I've gotten a fly first class, I mean, just having somebody come up once in a while and be like, Is there anything I can get for you?

[1104] Anything at all.

[1105] It's always just the greatest feeling.

[1106] I can't imagine having a full -time Barnesworth.

[1107] They would go to hate you.

[1108] They would taser you like David Spade's guy tasered him.

[1109] But I totally think that...

[1110] David Spade out of Barnesworth.

[1111] And he tasered him?

[1112] Tacked him.

[1113] What?

[1114] Yeah, tacked him.

[1115] Allegedly.

[1116] I wasn't there.

[1117] Allegedly tasered him, fucked him up.

[1118] It was like a big case.

[1119] It was in the news.

[1120] I think the dude just got enough.

[1121] David Spade at a butler Enough He had an assistant Which is a milder version of a Barnesworth Yeah You know some dude who follows you around Tells you when you're supposed to be somewhere His name is Skippy Skippy Skippy sign oh Oh Skippy Do you guys remember Skippy from family ties?

[1122] No Remember Skippy from Family Ties?

[1123] He was on that show with Michael J. Fox And then went from that Into stand -up And he would be like on the road And like places we were Like in the early early early days.

[1124] What does he do now?

[1125] I don't know.

[1126] That's hard.

[1127] Like Screech did that for a while too, right?

[1128] From Saved by the Bell.

[1129] I had to roast him one time.

[1130] We did one of these roasts of the, no, it was the roast of Ron Jeremy.

[1131] And I had to roast Screech.

[1132] Oh my God.

[1133] It was so much fun.

[1134] He's completely out of his element, but it was so much fun.

[1135] Like I told him nowadays when I watched episodes as Saved by the Bell, I think to myself, why couldn't there be a school shooting back then?

[1136] Too soon Boom Too soon Too soon I guess he stabbed someone At a nightclub in Minnesota Did he stab someone or was he involved in a stabbing I had heard about it He was out of bars Some dude was fucking with his chick He pulled out his knife Oh my God I was actually talking to him Like the day before that happened And then like the day after that happened Yeah Really?

[1137] Yeah What's he like?

[1138] he's nice i like him a lot is a good guy you called him or he called you did you reach out to the screech out what jimed each other james clearly had too much i mean uh tony's clearly had too much weed today yeah reach out to the screech out that came out of your mouth you know it's funny as last time I did a podcast with you we talked about um puns and I defended puns and I said people make a You know, only people that can't make puns, like, say that puns are hacky because everybody loves puns when they're good.

[1139] And so I've been getting, like, smashed in my Twitter mentions, uh, in a great way.

[1140] Like, people send me, like, funny things that they thought of.

[1141] And it's like my favorite thing.

[1142] Now, people are like, hey, this happened today, crazy pun, right?

[1143] Like, blah, blah, blah.

[1144] And they send me the thing.

[1145] That's funny.

[1146] Now, you love those.

[1147] Those two were like little gifts that the universe gives you.

[1148] And you know they're corny because as you're saying them, I see your smile starts to turn up as you're saying it.

[1149] It's my favorite thing.

[1150] Fucker.

[1151] It's so like, because they're always in the moment.

[1152] I always love stuff that's like right that just happened and only can last a second.

[1153] Fleeting.

[1154] Yeah, fleeting.

[1155] So, um, this is the special that comes out this Friday is the one that you did at our world famous ice house comedy club.

[1156] Yeah.

[1157] Our favorite spot or one of our favorite spots right next to.

[1158] Oh, let's play the trailer.

[1159] Is there a trailer?

[1160] Yep.

[1161] Play the trailer.

[1162] A little something.

[1163] Powerful Tony Hinchcliff entrepreneur.

[1164] That's me. That's how it starts.

[1165] This is how it starts.

[1166] It's one complete shot.

[1167] This is what's really cool about it.

[1168] You follow Tony from the outside where he's smoking in front of the headliner spot in the parking alley into the club and on stage and it never misses a beat.

[1169] One continuous take.

[1170] No cuts.

[1171] No editing.

[1172] But there is a cut right.

[1173] there in the trailer unfortunately or else you'd see Joey Diaz bringing me up which was awesome why'd you throw your cigarette on the ground at the beginning of their video because you're a fucking slob I'm done because you're littering I had a barnsworth there to pick it up you did not have a Barnesworth you just wanted to be the cool guy Josh Josh Martin aka Barnesworth we gotta call him Barnesworth for now on it's a barnsworth I have no idea why these guys call me Barnesworth now I was with somebody the other day and I was like, who was your favorite comic on the night?

[1174] And I had Josh on the show and she goes, oh, Josh Martin was my favorite.

[1175] I'm like Josh, really?

[1176] You like Josh?

[1177] And goes, dude, he says rape with a W. That was hilarious.

[1178] He's killing.

[1179] He's absolutely murdering.

[1180] I've been randomly, you know, Monday nights are weird.

[1181] I randomly once in a while just go to check in at like 10 p .m. whenever we're done with the podcast every time and he's always on because he just got done with our podcast.

[1182] So he is a thing where he always gets to go on right when we're done so he goes downstairs and that's always i always say hi to a few people and then i'm in there he's murdering right now josh that like has that speech impediment with like his awes a nice guy he followed rogan on the secret show the other day like 300 people he had to go up right after rogan it was great yeah he did okay stayed alive yeah yeah that's really he's you know and he's only been doing it how long now uh two and a half years yeah yeah i fell in love with him the first time that I saw him.

[1183] I was hosting that night and they were making like some little promo video for the comedy store and it was the first time that I ever saw him on stage and I they asked me to interview, you know, just walk around and explain how potluck works because they wanted to make a little two minute video for the comedy so I think it's still on their website actually and I talked to him and I met him that night and he got, I go what do you do for work?

[1184] He goes, I'm a manager at a McDonald's like an hour out an hour outside of Los Angeles.

[1185] I'm like, you have such an interesting look, and you sound so funny that if you get good at this, you are going to be un -fucking stoppable.

[1186] And I'm starting to see this fucking, like, when the car starts to turn over and it's like, you're like, ooh, there's a fucking engine in here.

[1187] I'm seeing it every Monday.

[1188] And like I said earlier, like, there's nothing more fun than watching people that you know and, like, you root for, just fucking.

[1189] and start ripping it and he's doing it right now it's so cool especially since he has such a defined style like he literally you know they say it takes 10 years to find your voice but he has his voice like literally it's gonna as as long as he keeps doing it and wiring no speech therapy you don't think so oh no way I say you fix that you're crazy look at that this was like literally I think his first time at the comedy store what's that bombing it's probably really quick oh we don't want to watch him bomb There's no reason It's no reason to watch that But this was like his first time up And I go dude You gotta fucking get in the game bro And sure enough he did Well he works at this tour now Yeah he's worked there for And he's been the producer of Kill Tony I mean this guy fucking hustles And he tries to do as many spots as possible He's gotten you know like I've watched him grow on and off stage Because like he used to like start arguments with people And just talk shit And it's one of the guys You know like so many others Where you get to watch him grow as a human you know some for some people doing stand -up comedy all of a sudden you're in a social setting for the first time ever well it just it can be it can be a real bad scene you know when you're struggling and you're young and you you know look like you have no future lived in his car for a while yeah paid paid dues for a while like over a year he lived in his car in one time brian moses on the way to the ice house he had to pee i was in the car for that and it was the most unbelievable thing ever.

[1190] So Josh is driving in the car that he sleeps in.

[1191] His house.

[1192] We're going to the ice house for one of these Friday night shows.

[1193] I'm sitting shotgun and our good pal Brian Moses host a roast battle is sitting in the back seat.

[1194] And we get off as soon, we're like we're almost there.

[1195] We're like five minutes away.

[1196] That's like a 25 minute drive, right?

[1197] All of a sudden Moses is like, oh fuck man, I got to pee bad.

[1198] Like real bad.

[1199] Oh, fuck I'm peeing.

[1200] And me and Josh are both like, what, are you really?

[1201] He's like, I can't stop it now.

[1202] I'm peeing.

[1203] And they were like, oh.

[1204] He just pisses himself?

[1205] Yeah, I'm like, out of nowhere?

[1206] What was he doing?

[1207] I hope Moses doesn't mind me telling this story.

[1208] It's way too funny to not tell.

[1209] Sorry, Moses.

[1210] You're cool.

[1211] You're cool.

[1212] You can handle this.

[1213] But what's unbelievable about the story is who cares that he peed himself?

[1214] What are the odds that a guy peed himself that never pees himself ever?

[1215] What are the that he peed himself in the back seat of where this kid's sleep.

[1216] Like, now he has to, no matter where he's staying, has to put his feet on that end of the backseat.

[1217] And by the way, he just given a few minutes a warning, we could have got up it and he makes it.

[1218] Who has to peeve so quick?

[1219] I forgot how great this story really is.

[1220] It was on the ice house, right?

[1221] Because they came right to the ice house.

[1222] And then Brian just says, I just had to go.

[1223] It just came out of nowhere.

[1224] I just had to go.

[1225] And you could tell it.

[1226] Even as it was happening, he's like, yeah, this never happens.

[1227] I don't know, what the fuck's going on?

[1228] Well, that's, it happens when people poop themselves, right?

[1229] That almost makes more sense.

[1230] Like, sometimes people get diarrhea and you're like, oh, God, like, I remember just a couple weeks ago, I barely made it to the toilet.

[1231] I had these insane pains in my lower stomach, and I was climbing.

[1232] I was going upstairs when I started to have them.

[1233] I'm like, oh, no. Like, this is like a real battle.

[1234] I was squeezing.

[1235] And I couldn't talk to anybody.

[1236] I'm like, I can't talk, can't talk, excuse me. And I had to push past my kids and get to the toilet.

[1237] And I shut the door like, Daddy's got to go, hold on, I'll be right out.

[1238] And they're asking me questions and shit.

[1239] And I sit down.

[1240] I had to lock the door.

[1241] Because they start working the knob.

[1242] Like five -year -old saying, I give a fuck if you have to go to that.

[1243] This doesn't register with them.

[1244] They're like, Daddy, I have to talk to you about themselves.

[1245] Like, hold on, hold on.

[1246] And it just rushed out of me like a horde of barbarians.

[1247] just swinging broadswords and fucking pushing the enemy over the cliff it was insane how it was coming out I can't even imagine you must have like real man shits like I could never My little tiny deer droplets come out You're starting to eat meat now Tony eats meat now Tony has a different diet I've been eating meat for a few weeks And I am pumped about it I'm excited about it I had a whole chicken breast yesterday That's great You went from being a vegan To being a carnivore Yeah, steak sandwich for dinner last night, chicken breast for lunch.

[1248] What was it?

[1249] What pushed you over the top?

[1250] It was a...

[1251] Besides the mocking of everyone around you.

[1252] Right.

[1253] It was mostly that I wanted to have friends again.

[1254] My dad, I didn't get to go back to Youngstown where I'm from for a few years.

[1255] I've just been, you know, it's blah, blah, blah.

[1256] But anyway, I went into my dad's restaurant.

[1257] He owns a great Italian restaurant where I'm from in Youngstown.

[1258] town and uh give it a plug well i actually shouldn't probably bad idea yeah i've talked about other stuff about him on another podcast anyway uh um what's his restaurant apple beast it's it's it's a it's an independent great italian restaurant but he looked at me so disappointed when he he goes all right what do you want me to make for you i'm going back i'm going to make something and i get and i go uh whatever you want i just i don't eat meat and i don't eat dairy And the look he gave me, like, it was like, it was like Emperor Palpatine electricity that, like, out of nowhere.

[1259] And you're just like, oh, my God.

[1260] 31 years, this guy's been my dad.

[1261] And I've never gotten a look of, like, he stopped and looked at me confused and sort of, like, turned his head like a dog.

[1262] Like, are you fucking kidding me?

[1263] So was your dad, like, Sebastian?

[1264] Totally.

[1265] Yeah.

[1266] My dad's, like, a complete perfect hybrid of Sebastian and Dice.

[1267] That's my dad, complete hybrid of those two guys.

[1268] Are you kidding me?

[1269] So then and there you quit?

[1270] No, he waited until he got back and then the did it the day he got back.

[1271] Well, nobody, out of all the years, out of everything, it's been, you know, it was like five or six years of vegetarianism, veganism, but I eat fish.

[1272] So it's like pescatarian, but I don't eat dairy, so it's weird.

[1273] Anyway, nobody's busted my balls more about it than Brian Redband here and our very good friend Pete.

[1274] Because I hang out with them all the time And so something happened And I just sort of like after the few days of being back And being like I wonder how good my dad's I mean the seafood pasta that he made for me Was the most mind -bending seafood pasta I've ever had in my life But there was something about the look that he gave me In which it's like do you have any idea what you're missing out on you fucking idiot I'll make you the seafood pasta Your face looks fuller Yeah his body looks fuller too Yeah it looks like you've stopped the growth stunt like you had maybe like a bend in a garden hose and just opened it up and now you're starting to fill in you've seen his butt lately look at his little butt he's got a new butt you got a little butt you got show me your butt you do see him are you really standing up to show your butt don't listen to him i know i was looking to see if i had a butt don't this man i wasn't showing you i was looking to see if i have how could you check how could you be sure it's a terrible angle look at that there's no way you can be sure yeah no you do see that little poop Are you lifting weights or something?

[1275] Oh, yeah, every day.

[1276] Squats?

[1277] No, no squats.

[1278] I just have a couple dumbbells.

[1279] I just work shoulders and press and curls.

[1280] You should go to a trainer.

[1281] Yeah, I should.

[1282] You know it'll be a funny show, you and Brian, losing weight and gaining weight.

[1283] Oh, yeah.

[1284] Both of you together, in and out.

[1285] You can call it in and out.

[1286] What's creatine?

[1287] Creotene.

[1288] Yeah, everyone says I should do that.

[1289] Yeah, it helps muscles recover, and it helps them grow.

[1290] And it helps them retain water.

[1291] and some people when you take too much of it it gives you kind of like a puffy look because you will retain like a little bit more water apparently I don't want to talk out of school but it's definitely been shown to be beneficial for gaining muscle yeah and it's also something that they measure if you are overtrained you can have crete it's I think it's called creatinine I think it's a little bit of a different thing but it's it's something that shows the damage of your muscles so like if you're like grossly overtrained you might have really high levels of this stuff and then like I know of a guy there's a guy I think was pulled out of a fight because of it like they tested them and he tested really high for this creatine stuff I think I want to say Tim Catalfo I don't it's harder for me to remember but there's another organization outside the UFC a long time ago I don't remember that yeah I don't remember that but creatine works it's legal too and also what it what's your like energy like five hour energy before doing our work guys that bad for you because I'm so a parent I'm annoyed with my, because this thing, like, tracks your heartbeat all times, and it's like...

[1292] Well, the milligrams of caffeine, if you look at a five -hour energy drink, I think it's only a little bit over 200 milligrams caffeine.

[1293] It's vitamin B -12, which is healthy for you.

[1294] You get some stimulation from that.

[1295] There's a lot of vitamin B -12.

[1296] But vitamin B -12 is water -soluble.

[1297] It goes right out of your system, and in and out.

[1298] It's not, like, you'd have to take, like, a giant amount of it for a long period of time to have any negative effects.

[1299] So, like, using it as a stimulant or a potential energy source like that, in a five -hour it drinks fine it's not bad for you the only thing with the five hour energy is you could have a niacin flush you ever have one of those oh yeah well I take I take niacin I take flash niacin which makes my whole skin tingle it makes me fucking red right red yeah shit's really good I've had it happen before I went on this five hour energy thing where I I thought five hour energies were just the greatest thing for a while and maybe like my 10th or 15th one over like a couple months and one of those hit me and It just, like, freaked me out.

[1300] Oh, you got a niacin flash.

[1301] Yeah, Steve, that's nothing compared to taking the actual niacin.

[1302] You take actual niacin, it's nuts, man. The feeling you get the tingling on your skin, like, it freaks some people out.

[1303] It freaked me out.

[1304] What is it?

[1305] I like it.

[1306] I like it because I know it's not going to kill me, but it's a, it's a, you're feeling the reaction of this nutrient.

[1307] Like, it makes your skin, like, tingle and flush.

[1308] Yeah, they call it flash niacin.

[1309] But it's an essential nutrient, really good for your body.

[1310] A lot of people are low in it.

[1311] Good for sex, I imagine.

[1312] Oh, shit.

[1313] Yeah, son.

[1314] Well, it's also, that's what the stuff like nitrous oxide, which a lot of people take, like different pump -up things, you know, those things.

[1315] They have a similar effect to Viagra and Seales.

[1316] They have a similar effect in being, like, somehow or another, it aids the blood flow or it stimulates the blood flow.

[1317] like a lot of those same drugs are banned in the Olympics like Viagra and Cialis is banned in the Olympics because it's actually a performance -enhancing supplement not that they judge you when you're fucking but that they your muscles that sell like when you the reason why your dick gets harder everything gets bigger like you get like harder you get your body like has more resources available for a brief amount of time at least they determined enough to make it illegal in the Olympics pretty interesting stuff you know I wonder if there's any sports we're having Having a boner actually helps you at the time, like javelin.

[1318] Oh, yeah.

[1319] Wrestling, freak the other guy out, right?

[1320] Just let him know.

[1321] To the death's up.

[1322] Taking Salas and Viagra sucks when you're working out, though, because you can't control it when you're on, like, the treadmill and stuff, so you just have crazy boners out and all these guys.

[1323] You've got to tap homeboy down, tack them down.

[1324] You've got to have some tight jammies.

[1325] You can't be running around.

[1326] Yeah, you can't be wearing those boxer shorts that you wear.

[1327] You fucking hogs slapping against the inside of your thigh.

[1328] There's a guy.

[1329] Think about those dirty girls that you know.

[1330] Like, ooh, there's a guy at the gym that's that muscle.

[1331] There's a guy at the gym that has that muscle, like that crazy.

[1332] Bodybuilder.

[1333] Yeah, like, but it's so ridiculous.

[1334] Like, it looks like he pumps the gel in.

[1335] I mean, to that point.

[1336] It's so uncomfortable when he's around.

[1337] They do do that, man. You know about that stuff?

[1338] There's a stuff called synth oil that some crazy people shoot into their bodies to make it look like they have giant muscles.

[1339] But they don't really have giant muscles.

[1340] They have these oil swollen.

[1341] limbs that don't look real.

[1342] So it looks like they have fake boobs on their arms, fake boobs and their shoulders, fake boobs and their boobs.

[1343] There's a weirdness to it where you can tell that the guy's not really strong, but he has these crazy fake giant arms that don't look real at all and giant traps.

[1344] Like there's just one, look at this guy.

[1345] Get out of here.

[1346] Yeah, that's Sinthal.

[1347] That's what the guy looks like at my gym.

[1348] It's scary looking.

[1349] He looks like...

[1350] Look at that guy.

[1351] If you cut that guy open, he would spill out like a bottle of olive oil.

[1352] That's exactly what he looks like.

[1353] Yeah.

[1354] That's so creepy that these guys make their entire lives around like the size of their bodies.

[1355] Do the top right when we're...

[1356] What is this guy?

[1357] Look at this shit.

[1358] Popeye.

[1359] This is insane.

[1360] Even Popeye wasn't that ridiculous.

[1361] This is insane.

[1362] Oh my God, look at his arms, man. Look at his neck boob.

[1363] Well, that's all that synthal because like look at his abs and look at his chest.

[1364] Like it doesn't make any sense.

[1365] He has a built -in neck pill.

[1366] be like fun to fly with.

[1367] What was that other one that you just showed?

[1368] Is that the guy, what he used to look like?

[1369] Oh, Photoshop face.

[1370] See, that guy, that's a real bodybuilder body.

[1371] That guy, that's just steroids and lifting weights.

[1372] You can tell the difference when you see those synth oil bodies.

[1373] There's a video of one.

[1374] Find the video of the Brazilian dude.

[1375] There's a Brazilian dude who's got a shirt off and he's dancing.

[1376] And it's so weird, man. You're looking at his tits move and his shoulders move and his biceps move.

[1377] And you're like, what the fuck is?

[1378] Why?

[1379] They get crazy, but it's just like anorexia, man. You don't know what you look like.

[1380] Your mind gets warped.

[1381] Oh, yeah, body dysmorphia is 100 % real.

[1382] People's, their mind gets warped, and they just decide, I'm not skinny enough, and they just keep starving themselves, so there's nothing left.

[1383] That happens with people that get all kinds of crazy shit done to them.

[1384] Did you see Amy?

[1385] The documentary on Amy Winehouse?

[1386] Oh, I didn't want to watch it, man. That's another one.

[1387] Unbelievable.

[1388] Someone was sitting next to me. Maybe it was Ian.

[1389] We're on the plane.

[1390] Was it you?

[1391] It was Jamie.

[1392] We were watching it.

[1393] And it's like, I looked over a little bit of it.

[1394] I'm like, I don't want to watch this kid, like, having a great time, having all this talent, and then turn into a junkie and fall apart and an alcoholic.

[1395] It just makes me sad.

[1396] Yeah.

[1397] It's depressing, man. Well, the main thing is that she had dysmorphia, and she was totally bulimic the entire time.

[1398] And it's probably basically what sort of killed her is, like, her body was just on complete shutdown.

[1399] When you get to that point, you know, her face started swelling up.

[1400] Like, there's crazy things that happened deep in a bulimic.

[1401] god damn so towards the end she had bulimia oh she had it the whole time and it was like a huge part of everything she was always she would always just throw up everything that she had but an amazing documentary oh my god really it's it starts with this there's like so much old video footage of her and it starts with her hanging out with their friends and they're singing happy birthday to one of their friends there's like five girls all hanging out and they're just like little girls like i don't know 10 11 or 12 and they're all singing happy birthday and then she keeps going on this solo, and you're like, oh, my gosh, already, like, totally a star.

[1402] She has that Amy Winehouse fucking voice that just kills.

[1403] And, no, I love it also, the documentary, because she was amazing.

[1404] She just had pipes, and she has that cool, like, old bluesy fucking big band feel that just gets me pumped up.

[1405] I've been listening to a lot of it.

[1406] Yeah, I listen to her a lot.

[1407] I've always been a big fan of hers.

[1408] But she has this, there's, like, an authenticity to the sound of her voice, right?

[1409] Yeah, totally, totally.

[1410] Totally standalone.

[1411] Almost there with like an Ella Fitzgerald type or like...

[1412] Have you ever heard of Ray Montague, La Montague?

[1413] Is that how you say his name?

[1414] I think so.

[1415] I can't remember what he's done.

[1416] There's this fucking guy.

[1417] Rose at the comedy store.

[1418] She, out of nowhere, she goes, we're leaving.

[1419] Everybody's leaving.

[1420] And she pulls into the parking lot and she's like, you got to hear this fucking song.

[1421] She goes, you got to hear this guy.

[1422] I go, who?

[1423] And she goes, I mean, it's out of nowhere.

[1424] She's like this guy, Ray Montague.

[1425] and he's got this song no not trouble it's not trouble he's got this son Jolene see if you could find Jolene so she plays this song yeah there it is Jolene that's like his most famous one way to hear this motherfucker's voice don't play it until you get everything in line because I don't want it to I don't want it to like half play and then play again because this guy his voice is so good it deserves to be uninterrupted for the brief amount to what.

[1426] Don't do a live version.

[1427] Do the studio version.

[1428] Is this a studio version?

[1429] Yeah.

[1430] Yeah.

[1431] Okay.

[1432] Cool.

[1433] I cut this off of YouTube, I'm pretty sure.

[1434] Okay.

[1435] Hear this real quick.

[1436] Is that as loud as it?

[1437] Just listen to it.

[1438] It's amazing.

[1439] I like it.

[1440] He's a bad motherfucker.

[1441] Listen this.

[1442] Listen this.

[1443] That's a bad motherfucker.

[1444] That's an undeniable bad motherfucker.

[1445] I like it.

[1446] He's got like a touch of that Rod Stewart raspiness, but not like all the way Rod Stewart.

[1447] Well, it's just, he's just him.

[1448] He's him, you know, whatever.

[1449] It's kind of raspy, but I wouldn't compare it to anybody else.

[1450] He's not like a Rod Stewart.

[1451] He's got his own vibe going on, man. That's a crazy song, too.

[1452] A song about a junkie that's just telling his love.

[1453] I'm not going straight.

[1454] Like, this is it.

[1455] I'm fucking riding it out.

[1456] Hoo!

[1457] That's a dark song with a fucking soul to it.

[1458] Is that a guy that's still alive?

[1459] Yeah, yeah, he's still alive.

[1460] I mean, it's just a song.

[1461] He's not a junkie, for real.

[1462] No, no, no, I mean, I, I mean, he actually might be.

[1463] You might be kind of fucked up for real.

[1464] And that's another thing about the Amy thing is it's like, and Kurt Cobain too.

[1465] It's like, what is that connection where like these freaky, freaky, both vocal -wise and they write their songs.

[1466] It makes you wonder, like, why is there always like this crazy adverse effect on the other end?

[1467] Of heroin.

[1468] Yeah.

[1469] Or, yeah.

[1470] Well, heroin has some sort of connection to, like, this.

[1471] deep, moody pain that a lot of blues singers and a lot of jazz musicians and a lot of rock and roll stars figured out a way to tap into and find some resource of creativity in that realm.

[1472] It's just so destructive to your body while you're there.

[1473] It's so devastating.

[1474] The fact that you're a junkie, you're not taking care of your health, and it's not even necessarily even primarily the effects of heroin, but the side effects of the lifestyle of being a junkie, the lack of sleep and the terrible life and the terrible food and just the chaos, you know, that's what cripples them all.

[1475] It crushes them all.

[1476] There's people that are like functional junkies that exist for a long time.

[1477] They can live for a long time.

[1478] It's weird.

[1479] But it's not like even being an alcoholic, it's not just the alcohol.

[1480] It's also the lifestyle that you live, this unhealthy lack of sleep, lack of recovery, you know, lack of nutrients.

[1481] It's not just the alcohol.

[1482] It's the fact that because you're throwing all this alcohol down your shit hole or your mouth hole you're it's it's coming it's it's affecting your whole body like those decisions to drink that much booze that affects everything you do you're not gonna you're not gonna drink that much booze and also eat like an incredibly you know nutrient rich organic diet you know you're gonna go to air one and get fucking salad bar you know you're not going to do that you're a drunk yeah it all goes bad and I think with a lot of these junkies they just give in to the fucking sound they give into the siren they give into the song of the beast just takes it into its veins and then you sing a song like that and there is that's another thing with Amy is like you also see that she had this amazing voice her whole growing up and she wanted to be a musician and she was doing good and good and good and good and good and then she started heroin and then it's like immediately you know even the documentary shows and it's like all right and she started doing heroin all of a sudden it goes from these tiny little jazz clubs to like amphitheaters to whole new songs you know rehab the album uh back back to black or back in black which is just all hits like out of this world right and it you know made me wonder it's like wow i just wish there was like a uh like some kind of uh what's the word like fake system or uh prototype or something that you could try that would be like what would i write if i was on heroin i don't think you get to peak I think you have to open up the present We should all get together Find like a professional I'm not doing any drugs with you How about that?

[1483] Do some heroin Ride the White Snake, whatever Smoking pot with you is problematic 45 % of the time Why would anybody want to do heroin with you?

[1484] That's ridiculous Do you understand?

[1485] I always love that You never come to any of those mushroom trips With us either Like it makes me think like You know something about yourself That you don't want us all to know No, it's just I'm You know, when I'm on mushrooms and stuff, I like hanging out and not being a retard and not having like a bunch of people around me. Like, I like, I like just, you know, one other person, you know, either a girlfriend or like a best friend.

[1486] But I don't need 20 people getting in my, like 20 different things I could go wrong.

[1487] Well, not only that, at least one of them is going to have a problem.

[1488] Yeah.

[1489] Every time you have a group of six or more people that are doing mushrooms, one person freaks out.

[1490] They always freak out.

[1491] And that will become your problem if you don't watch out, you know.

[1492] I like being quiet, peaceful.

[1493] Not just become your problem, but there's some people that when you're on trips with them, they want to dedicate the trip to their trip.

[1494] They want to dedicate your trip to their trip.

[1495] They want your trip to be about their trip.

[1496] Dude, I'm seeing this.

[1497] And dude, this is happening.

[1498] Dude, I'm feeling this.

[1499] Like, hey, I'm over here doing my own thing, man. I don't want to constantly be involved in your reporting of your trip while I'm tripping.

[1500] So, like, if you have too many people together, you got to have, you got a trip with someone who knows how to shut the fuck up.

[1501] Right.

[1502] That's a big part of it.

[1503] And that's what's incredible, is that that always blows my mind, is that's how it ends up happening when we take our little, like, the holiday that Ari Shafir started Shroom Fest.

[1504] So once a year we go out there in the middle of the beautiful desert.

[1505] You wait until the moon's at its brightest of the year, the super moon.

[1506] And it's always incredible how quiet and beautiful.

[1507] It gets all these guys like six, seven, I guess it's normally like five, six, seven comedians that spend every other.

[1508] night talking just you see them we all end up scattering it's not like we're sitting by a campfire or anything and you see little starry outlines of like oh that's ryan mervis over there just standing there and you it is it's amazing how quiet that beautiful desert can be with these personalities you almost feel like the power of it a little bit it's a potent psychedelic drug man and if you use the right intention if you have the right ideas going into it and if you can handle it you can get some wild thoughts out of it Yeah.

[1509] They're very beneficial.

[1510] And people will dismiss people, like, you know, people that have done it, they'll dis, well, you know, I don't even like what he does.

[1511] He's done mushrooms.

[1512] And why would I do it?

[1513] It ain't, it's not disputable.

[1514] Like, the experience is not disputable.

[1515] It's powerful.

[1516] It's undeniably powerful.

[1517] I mean, it might not be for you.

[1518] I don't know you.

[1519] It cures people of depression.

[1520] Cures people of addiction.

[1521] Cures people of cigarette addiction.

[1522] Cures people.

[1523] It gives you a chance to look at your, in a way that you probably would never be able to get to without it and it'll give it to you for a short window you get to see yourself you get to see life you get to see intention you get to see the past you get to see the present you get to see it all combined together in some strange light of this otherworldly intelligence this weird like overwhelmingly powerful new thought process that's going on in your head where you're just overwhelmed and you're seeing things and the visualizations when you're close your eyes are spectacular.

[1524] And somehow another it's illegal.

[1525] Yeah.

[1526] Insane.

[1527] That's the best part about it.

[1528] It's so stupid.

[1529] It's the stupidest thing to have illegal ever.

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] Like, this is the one thing that makes people better.

[1532] Like, we know it.

[1533] Like, it's John Hopkins University did the whole thing.

[1534] They did a thing on people that were dying.

[1535] People that have had, no, actually it was a personnel.

[1536] That was a different one.

[1537] They did one on people that are dying.

[1538] They gave them psilocybin.

[1539] and significantly alleviated their stress levels.

[1540] And then they did another one on people, the John Hopkins one was they had these people do a psychedelic experiment, psychedelic experience, and then, like, over a decade later, they were still saying that the quality of their life significantly changed after that experience.

[1541] A lot of them were saying it.

[1542] There's a lot of benefits to a lot of these different things that they made illegal in 1970.

[1543] We just got to face up to the facts.

[1544] We got fucked by the same people that had Nixon in power, Lyndon Johnson and those type of people We shouldn't be held prisoner These old ways of thinking You know But I think that law enforcement And you know A lot of people that control laws and have laws in place They're very reluctant to give up a law Or to admit that all the arrests that they made were unjust Because it opens up this giant box of shit You know like looking at all these people That are in jail for nonviolent drug crimes And now those drugs are legal What the fuck do you do with all those people in jail?

[1545] You know?

[1546] Yeah That's crazy.

[1547] Well, in Seattle, they're letting people out.

[1548] They're letting people, people that were in for pot and people that were selling pot, they're dropping their cases.

[1549] And, you know, it's one of those things to where, you know, what's crazy is like, I guess you haven't seen making a murder, but it's like.

[1550] I know the premise, though.

[1551] But the premise is that, like, you know, he was in prison for all those years.

[1552] So maybe he did do this.

[1553] And if he did do this, he did it because he learned these bad ways in prison.

[1554] Yeah.

[1555] which brings it back to the jug people is it's like they might go in being a pot dealer and come out being a rapist murder because they jerked off for months to their bunk mates fantasy that he told them oh yeah i tied this bitch up and it was the most fun you know and they're like wow that sounds interesting and they get out and just start doing crazy stuff like that yeah yeah there's a lot of those things right i mean that's that the recidivism rate of these prisons is insane because And I did all this research on it when Jeff Ross did his prison special for Comedy Central.

[1556] I learned all about this stuff.

[1557] Jeff's, Jeff had a really powerful thing about that that he did.

[1558] Like, it was in an interview or what it was.

[1559] I tweeted it.

[1560] I forget what it was.

[1561] But he was talking about, like, what he learned about the prison system and how hopeless it is for the people that get stuck inside of it.

[1562] Yeah.

[1563] And then you hear about things like that guy in Pennsylvania, that judge, that was sending these kids to juvenile detention, sending these kids up the river for like nothing because he was getting paid for it that guy's in jail now but he was selling children to prisoners to prisons to private prisons essentially that's what he was doing it was a scam he was being paid off to continue to supply them with prisoners so he was taking these kids and just ruining their lives like ruined countless people's lives took people for minor offenses that she'd never done time they're just kids and just locked them up and fucked them over and then kept them trapped And imagine how terrified you'd be You're a 15, 16 year old kid And you do some normal kid shit And all of a sudden you get railroaded Through this justice system And this guy who's corrupt Sends you to a detention To get you away from your parents And all of a sudden you're locked up In some fucking juvenile center somewhere With a bunch of real legit criminals Fuck man Yeah That's like insane Yeah It doesn't mean that all judges are bad right Right Right?

[1564] Doesn't mean all judges would do that But fuck Fuck Fuck Got to come up with a better system for dealing with people because it's almost like when someone does something wrong we just write them off we just write them off and send them to this hole and lock them up in this cage where shit's just going to get way worse and if you if you don't want shit to get way worse you have to follow by the rules or you get stuffed into a concrete and metal box forever mm -hmm craziness it's insane but what do you do what do you do with someone who is like a lifelong criminal and is broken mentally.

[1565] Like, how do you fix that person?

[1566] I think you put him in a stormtrooper type of setup and just make them a soldier and ship them around the country and program them to only be able to do certain things.

[1567] Like Robocop program?

[1568] Like, hobocop.

[1569] Like, just have like these homeless.

[1570] You got to there just because you had hobocop in your head, didn't you?

[1571] You said Robocop.

[1572] Hobocop.

[1573] You set me up.

[1574] I wouldn't set myself.

[1575] up for a hobo cop thing.

[1576] Oh, my God.

[1577] But, yeah.

[1578] What movie was that, were they reprogrammed people's minds?

[1579] Universal Soldier, right?

[1580] Ah, that's it.

[1581] Thank you.

[1582] You knew the answer to that before you started.

[1583] And the other guy, not just Van Dam.

[1584] The other guy, yes, thank you.

[1585] Yeah, Universal Soldier was the shit.

[1586] That was a good movie.

[1587] Yeah, it turned him into, that's right.

[1588] That's exactly it was.

[1589] Look, that's totally possible.

[1590] That's probably possible before they even figure out how to do robot thing.

[1591] I'd probably figure out how to program people's minds.

[1592] Oh, yeah.

[1593] You know?

[1594] Man. It's just a matter of time.

[1595] I mean, yeah.

[1596] It seems like...

[1597] Jean -Clau van Dam.

[1598] Wow.

[1599] Doff Langrend.

[1600] Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[1601] We got lasers on.

[1602] It must be serious.

[1603] Yeah.

[1604] That was so hilarious.

[1605] What's that?

[1606] Tiny Lester, too.

[1607] Oh, yeah.

[1608] Tiny Lester in the background.

[1609] That's hilarious.

[1610] Those movies were fun I roasted Tiny Lister at that same roast That Screech was at Well let me ask you this If someone came along Okay like what if someone he was in a motorcycle accident And they were essentially brain dead And some doctors came along And said that they have the ability To turn this guy into a soldier robot And he could go fight for his country Like you're you know Your brother's dead Tony But we can keep him alive And have him go defend his country I'm going to send him over to Afghanistan.

[1611] I mean, hey, might as well better there than buried, right?

[1612] Do you think so?

[1613] Isn't that what Deadpool is?

[1614] Deadpool?

[1615] The comic?

[1616] Is it?

[1617] I love it.

[1618] He doesn't he have, like, superpowers or some shit?

[1619] They give him some sort of badass powers.

[1620] Oh.

[1621] But he was going to die.

[1622] He's given terminal.

[1623] Oh, see, that's a comic book that I was never aware of.

[1624] So when this one comes out, I'm completely out of my element.

[1625] I don't know anything about it.

[1626] That was a Marvel, though, right?

[1627] It was a Marvel comic?

[1628] They're doing some clever marketing.

[1629] for it too that's pretty good interesting well this is a movie that almost didn't get made but then they made a really cool uh like trailer someone made a fun trailer and the interest for it picked up so they decided to uh make the movie what's the movie deadpool they made this fake valentine's day to try it's kind of try to trick some people oh true love never dies valentine's day ha ha ha ha ha that's so great rom -com style posters and ryan reynolds is taking full advantage Oh, yeah, man, it's going to be interesting.

[1630] We're going to have, there's going to come a time where they can sort of re -reanimate a human body, put an artificial brain in it.

[1631] It might be the first thing they do before they go to artificial intelligence.

[1632] Take some dude, get his head blown off.

[1633] It's like that dead dog.

[1634] His heart's still hanging on.

[1635] It's not thought out yet.

[1636] Right.

[1637] Not thickened up.

[1638] Yeah, they just keep it going.

[1639] Just slap some robot head on there.

[1640] Screw it down.

[1641] Like RoboCop style.

[1642] Like a pit crew.

[1643] Isn't it funny?

[1644] Pett, pit, pet.

[1645] Isn't it funny how like Robocop when you watch that movie back in the day, it was like, this is so never going to happen.

[1646] Right.

[1647] But today you're like, well, I bet they could probably do it.

[1648] I bet we're probably pretty close to be able to come up with some artificial limbs that are more strong and more dynamic.

[1649] They just have to have some sort of a power source.

[1650] Yeah, there he is.

[1651] Robocop.

[1652] Wow.

[1653] He had a dope outfit, too.

[1654] The new Robocop, I wasn't really into the new outfit.

[1655] The new outfit just didn't.

[1656] This is the new one?

[1657] Ugh.

[1658] Did you watch the new one?

[1659] No, I did not.

[1660] I think that is the new one.

[1661] I met that dude.

[1662] Yeah?

[1663] Yeah.

[1664] See, why doesn't he have his hands covered?

[1665] I'm going to chop your hands off.

[1666] Exactly.

[1667] And what you're going to do.

[1668] We've got to have your hands covered.

[1669] How come your mouth isn't covered either?

[1670] I'll shoot you right in the mouth.

[1671] We've identified the weak spots.

[1672] Yeah.

[1673] Yeah, you don't want to have an exposed mouth hole.

[1674] Go for the mouth on hands.

[1675] Yeah, why would you ever have your exposed mouth hole?

[1676] Yeah, he's got his whole face.

[1677] Yeah, his whole faith is like ready to be shot.

[1678] Because I'm assuming there's a brain back there, right?

[1679] You got skin.

[1680] So there's, you know, I'm going to shoot right through your eyeballs.

[1681] Right in your brain.

[1682] It's just stupid.

[1683] You know?

[1684] Like he's got like a regular human mouth.

[1685] Why would you have that when everything else is protected?

[1686] Yeah.

[1687] You can't project?

[1688] You have some sort of a speaker on the outside?

[1689] There's so many veins and important arteries that run around.

[1690] the neck here.

[1691] How's he going to eat with no teeth?

[1692] It's going to get shot in the face with a cannon.

[1693] The new one in Detroit, too, do you know?

[1694] That seems like the best place to put it.

[1695] Today it is, yeah, right?

[1696] No one seems to have seen this movie.

[1697] It must have been a robo flop.

[1698] What?

[1699] He got you.

[1700] He outpunned you.

[1701] I went to it.

[1702] He went to it.

[1703] He had it.

[1704] He delivered it.

[1705] You were stunned, and now you're defensive.

[1706] I know.

[1707] It's not true.

[1708] I actually went and saw the movie, and I ate a lot of popcorn during it.

[1709] I was a robo slop.

[1710] Oh, come on.

[1711] stop.

[1712] He double got you.

[1713] We're cleaning house in here.

[1714] Somebody grab us a robo mop.

[1715] Oh.

[1716] It's like your guys' expectations are too high.

[1717] Once you know, once you hear a robo, you know, it's coming.

[1718] This is a pun battle, like, Rose Battle.

[1719] Red Band just won twoed you.

[1720] I love it.

[1721] He just won two you.

[1722] He pun -toed me. Oh.

[1723] How why do you keep making that noise?

[1724] That's what you do with puns.

[1725] That's what I do with puns.

[1726] That's what I do.

[1727] I go, oh, how would you like me to react?

[1728] I'll do whatever you like.

[1729] I don't know.

[1730] A la la la la la la la la la. I love that.

[1731] Oh, that's the pun laugh from now on.

[1732] Could you imagine if someone cracks a pun on stage and the whole crowd goes, That would be awesome.

[1733] Dude, you're fucking manifested.

[1734] You better be careful what you wish for.

[1735] Oh, my God, I love it.

[1736] Careful what you wish for, young Tony.

[1737] Young Tony's going to be with me, Friday night in Atlanta.

[1738] Yeah, I'm going to be with you when my special comes out.

[1739] And then Saturday night in Tampa, you will already be a star by the time you get on stage.

[1740] It'll already have launch, and people will know.

[1741] And you'll be doing all new material.

[1742] Yeah.

[1743] That's the beautiful thing.

[1744] You did this a few months back.

[1745] Like, how many months we did?

[1746] March, 2015.

[1747] So it's almost a year.

[1748] Yeah.

[1749] And in that time, you've got a whole new hour.

[1750] I have a new, yeah, 30, 35 somewhere in there.

[1751] It's ever -changing, you know, sometimes I've been realizing lately.

[1752] I don't know, yeah, yeah, it's wibbly wobbly.

[1753] So you bounce some of it out and push some of it forward?

[1754] But I started going all new as soon as I taped it.

[1755] A lot of guys, I guess, like, start when...

[1756] When it comes out.

[1757] Yeah.

[1758] But, like, I was ready to move on anyway.

[1759] Well, you already knew also that you were going to try to get this on, and you'd get ahead of the game.

[1760] Right.

[1761] Going out of the bat, new.

[1762] Yeah.

[1763] Yeah, I just did the fighter and the kid, and it actually came up that, like, they're like, you know, are you doing all new stuff now?

[1764] And I talked about how, you know, working with you being, you're one of the few guys in the whole game that also, you know, I mean, like, generates, not also.

[1765] You're one of the few comedians that has, like, a new hour a year.

[1766] You have to.

[1767] And so, like, working with you.

[1768] even though you've never said to me personally like you need to write more material like it naturally I think rubs off that you know we're you got to just keep going and plowing like if I'm if you if you can do it with an hour and a half or two hours after my half hour then I should be doing it with my half hour you know so it's it helps a little when you do a longer sets longer sets on the weekends helps you know but anytime you can get it in a half hour if you can get in a half an hour set you know that the real problem with L .A. is if you're going to do a spot in L .A. you're probably gonna get 15 minutes right and when you get those 15 minute spots most likely you'll have room for one or two new ideas and you'll have you know i always try to balance it out if i'm doing new stuff unless i did like i did stand up on the spot last night which is obviously all ad libed and that was really fun but when you do new stuff you got to kind of like it's it's hard to decide like when to start the new stuff do you open with the new stuff or do you open with something established get the ball roll and then introduce the new stuff you don't have a lot of time to fuck around in like a 15 minute set.

[1769] Yeah, and I also, you know, I like to bounce in and out once in a while of crowdwork, you know, and improvising stuff on stage.

[1770] And so that's also, like, mixed into things.

[1771] And that's also part of the reason why I shot this in one shot, because I just went with my gut and I'm like, if things go off the track, that's normally when I shine is like, you see, like, sometimes when we do our shows at those big theaters like I'll do a thing where I'll roast people a group of people if they come in late and I warn the crowd in the beginning like if somebody comes in late I'm gonna light them up our little secret okay and the place just loves it and I love that you know just improvising in the moment I love that pressure I love like that feeling of like you know like being a quarterback and you feel like that lineback are coming but you still have to get rid of the ball you have to just stay calm and deliver and I think part of the reason why I did it all in one shot is because I knew that if something, which it didn't at all, and I didn't end up doing any crowdwork, and I sort of was half planning, like I was on the towing the line right before I went on, like, you know, anything can happen.

[1772] I knew that I only had one show, which is rare in itself when shooting a special, to only have one show and one audience and one camera.

[1773] And I was ready to do crowdwork, but I just sort of, you'll see in like the first 15, seconds.

[1774] I just sort of like, you know, just saying hello.

[1775] And then I go right into material.

[1776] I saw it.

[1777] I saw it.

[1778] You get into it like a regular show.

[1779] Right.

[1780] Yeah.

[1781] I ended up just on material and it sort of stayed on track.

[1782] There was a part where like, I don't know, like 35, 40 minutes in or something.

[1783] My throat goes completely dry, which like never happens.

[1784] But like I was like sort of like choked up a little bit and I take a sip of my water that's sitting there.

[1785] And I go most comedians do a, most comedians take a sip of their drink when they're getting a huge applause break.

[1786] This is a special, special.

[1787] Then they, you know, just giggled because they all know that.

[1788] Hey, I got to take a leak.

[1789] I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but I've been holding this in for a while for some strange reason.

[1790] So, Brian, talk to him real quick.

[1791] I love that.

[1792] All right, hi, Tony.

[1793] Wow.

[1794] Normally, you busts my balls when I have to pee.

[1795] Oh, yeah, it's the bad.

[1796] Is the Brian the...

[1797] Oh.

[1798] What?

[1799] Yeah, it was cool that doing the one shot.

[1800] Did you, after it was done, did you think, like, oh, I wish I would have done that different or this different?

[1801] Was there anything that you kind of wish now looking at it?

[1802] that you did different other if you had the chance of course I mean naturally you know after doing that I mean there's always like you know things that change or different like for example like I close with you know even in March I had a different version of the Cosby thing that I do now but totally different joke entirely you were like Bill Cosby's innocent I know it's true well sort of it was because now my Cosby joke now has everything to do with how he admitted to giving girls quailudes in order to rape them.

[1803] And the Cosby joke that's on one shot just covers the fact that basically it's all these little white girls that hooked up with a rich black man for the first time and they just felt dizzy because his dick was so good.

[1804] That's right.

[1805] So I just ruin the ending.

[1806] Is that a real curl?

[1807] And if you show the camera, you have curly hair.

[1808] With this one, it looks like it's like a tightly curled, curl.

[1809] It happens sometimes.

[1810] Did you have a bow?

[1811] No, it's just my curly Italian hair sometimes.

[1812] Remember when I had long hair?

[1813] Yeah, it's right.

[1814] I used to have an hair.

[1815] My apologies.

[1816] All good.

[1817] That was a close one.

[1818] It was interfering with my ability to form a conversation.

[1819] I was like, ooh.

[1820] Yeah.

[1821] Maybe it's Brian Moses' story.

[1822] Internally planted the seed.

[1823] Maybe think, huh?

[1824] So just let it go.

[1825] Yeah.

[1826] That's not a good idea.

[1827] Imagine if we come in here and it just smells like piss every day.

[1828] Asparagus piss.

[1829] have you repeat yourself oh for sure yeah who hasn't i mean and then had to wear your pants for like a long period of time um in a car once um like a um like a mountain dew bottle or something like that like whatever i had like some sort of a soda bottle and got pissed all over my oh yeah it's really hard to do because you don't realize that you need to have enough extra air like around it or else it just sprays back at you i've done that so we're like gatorade bottle's good yeah it's very girthy Gatorades But like other ones You have to also use two hands Because you want to hold your dick over the hole And you want to hold the bottle And you can't do that while you're driving So you're trying to like Get your dick in between your two fingers And then use like your ring finger And your thumb To kind of hold the bottle While you're squeezing your dick through And don't put your balls in either Just keep those out when you're doing it There's no reason to put your balls in there Well you Brian can actually fit his balls Into a bottle of Mountain Dew Unless you have a bottle of Mountain Dew Unless you have a bottle of moonshine jug in your truck.

[1830] Imagine if that's how you died, you hit a bump and the moonshine jar broke and cut a vital artery under your cock because you're trying to pissing up.

[1831] The mountain dew is a dangerous bottle to pee in because it's green.

[1832] So you may have forgotten that you know, you peed in it.

[1833] True.

[1834] That would be.

[1835] If you're just one of those fucking weirdos that picks up bottles in the floor of your car and just starts drinking warm liquid.

[1836] And you could fuck up.

[1837] Yeah.

[1838] I used to know this guy who would take a Mountain Dew bottle, Mountain Dew or Ginger Ale.

[1839] and he ate one of those green plastic bottles and he would fill it up with booze and he would drink it all day long he was like a serious serious alcohol that I worked with on this construction site when I was a kid it was weird man he would just drink all day it scared me scared me watching him because this guy who would just drink this stuff all day and it was like only a day or two into the job that I realized that it was booze talking to people that it was he would drink malt liquor and just all day all day just drink a fucking and he lived in this house the house had no electricity Most of the windows were out Like we were working on it We were renovating this house And he lived in it while we were renovating it Wow Yeah, it was real weird And he was like a construction guy He worked He worked with the guy Who owned the construction company That was renovating the house And I'm pretty sure It was foggy to remember Because I was a teenager But I'm pretty sure the guy Who was renovating the house Also owned it It was like fixing it up And so this guy was living in it at the time When it was like gutted out Just raw wood And no insulation Some windows are missing and just some of the floor was missing and this guy would just get wasted all day, just drink and shake, hands would shake and he's on his hammering nails and shit and his hands are shaking carrying things out he was just deep in the web of addiction.

[1840] Yeah.

[1841] Did you see anybody like that when you were young?

[1842] Because you grew up in a rough neighborhood, right?

[1843] Yeah, I'm actually very close to somebody who's, who, my oldest brother became slowly over time, a big alcoholic, and he's been three months sober now, which is a miracle.

[1844] Like, it's unbelievable.

[1845] And because it seemed like he was never going to stop.

[1846] And when he stopped drinking, he was shaking so uncontrollably that he couldn't even walk.

[1847] He would just fall down.

[1848] And he's a strong guy.

[1849] This is a guy who, like, I remember going to Venice, beach with him when I came and visited just to check this place out when I was 18 to visit our other brother.

[1850] We, me and my other, me and my brother came out to visit our brother that lived here and they played basketball in Venice Beach and they were just bawling all over everybody like he's an amazing athlete and this and that.

[1851] And why he was doing that he was drinking?

[1852] Yeah, but when he was doing that he was drinking at night not like during the, I mean, yeah, they were drinking during the day too.

[1853] It was so much booze that his body was just completely hooked on it.

[1854] Totally.

[1855] Every day?

[1856] Like every day?

[1857] Every single day at night because he a professional bartender and in Columbus Ohio even has a big drinking culture like huge drinking culture.

[1858] Fuck yeah it does huge and he was like at the helm of it he's like the head bartender at all the best places in Columbus over the past you know 20 years or whatever and that even Columbus has a culture for it but also I don't think a lot of people know that the restaurant industry has a real real real culture for it everybody that works in fine dining restaurants goes out and gets shit -faced every year like 80 -90 % of the people because you're taking care of people all the time you need to get fucked up you need to you need to go get treated they walk in shot beer shot beer and then that's a big thing with restaurant workers right huge chefs waitresses oh yeah bartenders huge culture of it and I'm sure barnsworth has to get liquored up once in a while you know what I mean barnsworth probably does estrogen yeah just to locks the door and just takes estrogen shots drinks it but yeah to watch my you know physically powerful brother, well not watch, but I heard about it because he's in Columbus and I'm here, but...

[1859] That's dark.

[1860] But luckily, he's doing really good, three months sober, which, if you would have told me three months ago that he'd actually stop drinking, you know, I would have said that's very hard to do.

[1861] I wonder if mushrooms were legal and if they had real treatment centers, how many people would be curative diseases like that?

[1862] I want to say diseases, addictions like that.

[1863] How many people would be cured of a lot of different things that they've been struggling with, psychologically if they could use ibegain here in america which is like super effective in mexico and a lot of other countries where it's legal where they use it for treatment for addictive diseases it's supposed to be incredible for kicking people off of pills and opiates literally reprograms your addictive tendencies in your system somehow it's what i feel with molly molly yeah i think molly really they said that too about ptSD for soldiers that molly's giant for that the government paid for tests on psilocybin at like karen't or Harvard or Cornell or some stuff and they kept finding that it cured chronic depression on people that like they had given up yeah and just said it's for life you're going to be depressed for life and I can totally see why yeah um it reprograms your brain apps it's like a shower for your brain like when everything's just too cluttered and dirty it's the only real analogy that I think is effective for mushrooms it's like a brain shower I did this thing uh that I absolutely love that I found out about a couple years ago called Nettie Pot, you know, about that, we run warm water through your nasal passage.

[1864] And it's the same thing.

[1865] Like, I think to myself every time I do it, like, I can't believe people don't know about this.

[1866] Do you know the squeeze one?

[1867] Yeah, that's what I have.

[1868] That's the real one.

[1869] That's what I have.

[1870] Boy, you blasted up there.

[1871] Oh, my God.

[1872] I had these crazy snout.

[1873] Remember I used to use that when I had my nose operation?

[1874] When I had my nose chewed open, I had a really bad scar tissue inside my nose and I had a deviated septum.

[1875] And a lot of the scar tissue was like, it comes calcified.

[1876] Because if you've, been hitting the nose a few times if it bleeds inside your nose it's like cauliflower ear but inside your nose this they cut away all this different tissue and open up this passage and then to clean it i used to use a water pick so it squirt the water pick up one nostril and it would be pouring out the other nostril and i would blow out these fucking titanic boogers they looked like they were from another planet they were giant it covered in blood and they were like the size of a thumb like they would come out and i would treasure them i'd be like i want everybody to see this It was like your dick pick back in the day.

[1877] I showed it to Tom Segura.

[1878] I opened up the napkin for him to Tom Segora and he went, he started retching.

[1879] We're in the airport.

[1880] I'll never forget it.

[1881] I go, dude, I just fucking blew the most insane bugger out of my nose.

[1882] I go, do you want to see it?

[1883] He goes, ah, okay.

[1884] I open it up.

[1885] And it's like rubber cement glue.

[1886] So like as you pull the pages aside, the bugger was so big that it just didn't seem like it could come out of a human.

[1887] It didn't make any sense.

[1888] And he's, uh, immediately.

[1889] If you have to get that done, though, folks, if you find a good doctor, I know some people have had bad experiences with a doctor that didn't really know what they're doing, that was a life changer for me. To get my nose cleaned up so I could breathe.

[1890] Nettie pot, I mean, you know, you got to do it, right?

[1891] You got to make sure you put the packet in and use distilled water and warm it up.

[1892] But, I mean, it's one of those things to where when I do it, I'm like, oh, tonight's going to be a good night.

[1893] Yeah, but if you have a broken nose, that's still not going to work.

[1894] If someone, you need to get that operation if you have a deviated septum, you really can't, like, do yoga correctly without breathing in through your nose.

[1895] It kept me from doing yoga a lot because they would always tell me, you have to breathe out of your nose.

[1896] I'm like, I don't have one.

[1897] It doesn't exist.

[1898] I could smell a few things, but it's just jacked in there.

[1899] So netty pots wouldn't have worked.

[1900] It just wouldn't have worked.

[1901] But now that it's clean, it works awesome.

[1902] Yeah.

[1903] So salt water, too.

[1904] Because if you pour those little salt packets in the water.

[1905] and shake it up.

[1906] Oh, it's my favorite fucking thing.

[1907] Do you ever find yourself, though, you bend over to tie your shoes like an hour later and some water leaks out of your nose?

[1908] A little bit.

[1909] Where the fuck was that water hiding?

[1910] Yeah, in the corner.

[1911] Do I have a hole in my head?

[1912] Maybe.

[1913] Store in water?

[1914] Like, I bent over to tie my shoes and I was like, what is this?

[1915] It's like drip, drip, drip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip.

[1916] Happened to me during that set, like, just one little drop.

[1917] But that set last night when that lady's like, no, Trump's never going to.

[1918] It came out of nowhere like, like, bloop.

[1919] And I'm like, what is?

[1920] You gotta just grab someone like that and take them out of the room You can't interrupt the show like that That's so stupid Because that's one person The Irvine Improv's 500 people Yeah So it's one person deciding that in 500 people that I'm sure A giant percentage of them are laughing Because I know the bit's hilarious Oh yeah It was insane That's why like people were booing her Before I even said What's your problem lady Like it was You just can't have to deal with that People don't get it Because they look at you And they go he's just talking Right They go, oh, man, he's going to make people in this room vote for Trump.

[1921] It's like, no, lady, you're the only one that's not realizing that you're at a professional show right now.

[1922] Well, not only that, how weak is your candidate where a comedian could talk you out of it and go, you know, he's right.

[1923] Fuck these poor people.

[1924] Bernie Sanders is an old loser.

[1925] Donald Trump's right.

[1926] Yeah.

[1927] Do you think Trump really wants to be president?

[1928] Yeah.

[1929] Because it seems like he's going to be.

[1930] Yeah.

[1931] I'm not bullshitting.

[1932] And people are like, you're wrong, you're wrong.

[1933] He is way out ahead on the Republican side And more people are willing to vote Republican now than before Obama was in office There's a lot of people that have like strengthened their resolve against liberals and against the left and against the Democratic Party It's highly if he just if he just changes his tune on a few things He could get him I don't even know if he needs to change his tune He's saying stuff that I think a lot of people are thinking That's one of my alien boogers Oh my God God, that's a booger?

[1934] Yep, that was a booger.

[1935] Isn't it look like a cockroach nest or something?

[1936] Yeah, so look at my hand.

[1937] It looks like one of the planets from Star Wars.

[1938] Look at my hand here.

[1939] Tatooine.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] The thing you could get a good, because that's kind of an inflated picture.

[1942] But you could see how big that was.

[1943] It was like that big.

[1944] That is like a real bugger.

[1945] And that was a little dry.

[1946] Like when it came out, like maybe a minute or two before that, it was a little larger.

[1947] It's so fucked up, man. When you had that crazy shit the other day.

[1948] and you're like pushing your kids out of your way and everything.

[1949] Do you remember what you ate or what caused it?

[1950] There's another one.

[1951] There's another one.

[1952] Oh my God.

[1953] That's the one that made Tommy gag.

[1954] Oh, yeah.

[1955] That's the very one that made Tommy gag.

[1956] Oh, God.

[1957] He was like, I took a photo of it in the bathroom, then I put it in a napkin and brought it out to him.

[1958] That one really is.

[1959] That's something else.

[1960] What did you ask?

[1961] What did you just ask?

[1962] What made that crazy shit that you're talking about?

[1963] We're like...

[1964] MCT oil.

[1965] Pretty sure I had too much MCT oil.

[1966] If you put too much MCT oil in a kale shake or protein shake or something like that, occasionally there's like a tipping point.

[1967] I don't know like how many cups is.

[1968] Like I should probably figure out like what's the beneficial dose instead of just adding capfuls.

[1969] And I might have added an extra capful.

[1970] And I might have drinking much more than I usually drank.

[1971] And whatever it was to fucking click, the sear snapped and the fucking opening.

[1972] There's something that up.

[1973] It's funny Max When you have five -year -olds They don't want to hear nothing Like you can't say The house is on fire But daddy I can't find my toy Like whatever they're dealing with It's like so critically important I'm like I gotta get in I'm gonna shit on you I'm gonna shit on you little bit Your face is where my ass is You better get out of the way I can't stop it Like I was with all my bite My might I was tightening up Like it was massive cramps Every squat you've ever done in your life accounts for this moment.

[1974] All the cramps.

[1975] When I was like, oh, no, I don't know if I'm going to make it.

[1976] There was that moment where I was like, I'm going to shit at least a little bit in my pants.

[1977] Maybe I just let a little prisoners out, let a few hostages out, then we can renegotiate once I get to the bathroom.

[1978] But I managed to keep it together just right to that point where I was, blah.

[1979] And you just hear Mike Goldberg's voice.

[1980] It's all over.

[1981] MCT oil, though, will make you shit yourself.

[1982] Well, you have to be careful.

[1983] If you have too much of it It will definitely It just lubes up the old pipes And just releases the hounds But it's probably a good thing Because once it goes through Like a blast out Boy, you feel great I've been taking healthier poops Than ever lately With this new meat influx My body is just loving it They're so solid That every time now Every time I take a poop You know when When you get the splash back I'm at 100 % I'm at 100 % Slash back now Splashback Have you ever, like, had your butt hole open up enough just after it splashes that it gets a little tear drop inside the bubble before it shows?

[1984] And then a little bit comes out later when you tie your shoes.

[1985] Do you still eat vegetables, though?

[1986] Are you still cognizant about?

[1987] Totally, totally.

[1988] You definitely look different.

[1989] I'm not bullshit.

[1990] Your face looks healthier.

[1991] And I haven't even had breakfast or lunch today.

[1992] You look thicker.

[1993] Like, your face looks thicker.

[1994] I feel better.

[1995] Yeah.

[1996] Vegans right now are so angry.

[1997] Why don't you stay the course?

[1998] You just didn't follow the right...

[1999] You didn't have enough quinoa on your diet.

[2000] What about avocados?

[2001] What about olive oil?

[2002] I missed it.

[2003] It's been a lot of fun to get back.

[2004] Because I love food.

[2005] I'm huge on food.

[2006] Well, you guys went to Fogo de Chau, right?

[2007] That's where you broke your cherry.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] Which is, that's meat lover's paradise.

[2010] I've been to Fogo de Chow a couple times with you without eating meat.

[2011] Well, the salad bar is excellent.

[2012] It's amazing.

[2013] You could easily fill up on the salad bar with no fucking meat whatsoever.

[2014] It's a great restaurant.

[2015] Yeah.

[2016] Those Brazilians know how to eat, man. The chuhasquerias, they're amazing.

[2017] If you don't know what it is, there's Fogo de Chial, Texas D. Brazil, those are the chains.

[2018] But there's a bunch of, like, independent chuhascarias.

[2019] And a Brazilian -style barbecue, what it is is you have a chip.

[2020] And one side is green and the other side is red.

[2021] And when it's green, they come over with these trays of meats like sausages and chicken wrapped in bacon and filet mignon and picagna, which is like top sirloin, which is like the best one.

[2022] That's the best.

[2023] that one all the time.

[2024] Oh, they're just so many people want it.

[2025] And there's a place we used to go to that was called Piccania.

[2026] Where was that?

[2027] Oh, that's in Pasadena.

[2028] No, no. A Burbank.

[2029] Yeah.

[2030] Burbank, right?

[2031] Isn't there a place in Burbank called Piccania?

[2032] Where was that?

[2033] I think it's in Burbank.

[2034] I think there's a place in Burbank called Piccania.

[2035] But it's the same, isn't it?

[2036] Yeah.

[2037] Same style of food.

[2038] It's fucking so good.

[2039] Yeah, so they come over with these pitchforks with meat on them, these skewers with meat on them.

[2040] They slice it off.

[2041] Yeah, that's the one on the right.

[2042] Yeah, baby They hide it But if you like meat You gotta go at least once It's so good though too They figure out the right way to baste it In front of open fire You know they slowly cook it So good And it's unlike like a regular stick Where they come over and they slice pieces On the outside and they put them on your plate And then they go back to cooking it again Yeah Like they basted it again With their whatever they have that It's like a salt and some sort of an oil to it Yeah I haven't had bread in 13 days Look at you Healthy bitch.

[2043] You looked a lot different, too.

[2044] Well, you came to the comedy store the other night.

[2045] We were all saying that.

[2046] Yeah, I could clearly see it.

[2047] You were glowing the other day.

[2048] I even went home and mentioned to my girlfriend.

[2049] I'm like, Brian looked good today.

[2050] Did you say that while you're inside her?

[2051] And she goes, what do you mean?

[2052] I go, he's been working out for like 24 hours and he already looks better.

[2053] She goes, that's impossible.

[2054] I go, no, I just think Brian was so unhealthy.

[2055] Literally, if he doesn't poison himself for like a few hours, you start to Oh, yeah.

[2056] Turn into Tom Hardy or something.

[2057] Dude, it's great.

[2058] You're doing so much good shit now.

[2059] You're taking care yourself.

[2060] You're on this, like, kick that's lasted through the entire month of December or January, rather.

[2061] You're doing your podcast now.

[2062] Like, so much good shit's happening.

[2063] That's awesome.

[2064] It's awesome, man. Yeah, it's amazing.

[2065] How's it feel?

[2066] John Bonae Ramsey, you know?

[2067] You feel lighter.

[2068] What does that mean?

[2069] I don't know.

[2070] What does John B 'A.

[2071] Ramsey me?

[2072] What does that mean?

[2073] Exactly.

[2074] Good, fucked.

[2075] That doesn't make any sense.

[2076] He's laughing to cover up his own.

[2077] I don't know what is.

[2078] He's like the Joker now from Batman.

[2079] That Joker photo I made of Tony, that's crazy.

[2080] Have you seen that photo?

[2081] You know, that's like one of my dreams is I want to play.

[2082] Talk about it on stage.

[2083] Yeah.

[2084] Yeah, I really want to be like the next Joker.

[2085] I think what Nicholson did is amazing.

[2086] and I think what Heath Ledger did is great and I'd love to eventually get to the point to where down the road, you know, I could be like a young Joker.

[2087] That's totally possible, especially they keep making more Batman's.

[2088] And I think like especially if I keep growing as a popular comedian, I think it's like a cool twist, like, you know, Marvel hires actual comedian to play a Joker.

[2089] Yeah, who better.

[2090] Who better?

[2091] Stand -up comedian turned evil.

[2092] Look at you.

[2093] Insult comic.

[2094] You feel it?

[2095] turned evil yeah dude you're born for that wrong yeah you'll die first before oh jesus i think we should be come on brian brian if you break your diet you could be pain you were doing so good in this podcast what happened why go why go bad on us no no tony you've always felt like you're going to die young and stuff but you always talk about like like you have notes on me over there what are you checking your fucking wikipedia i was looking there it is Brian made that to promote the podcast you look more like a zombie well That's the Jared Leto Joker that he made.

[2096] That's not the...

[2097] Well, Jared Leto's Joker looked pretty fucking cool, too.

[2098] So he's the Joker in the Suicide Squad, right?

[2099] He's another one that got...

[2100] He got ripped for that.

[2101] Why?

[2102] Because the Joker's a bad motherfucker.

[2103] The Joker's the best bad guy of all time.

[2104] Why did he get ripped for it?

[2105] You got to look that up.

[2106] Because the Joker's a bad motherfucker.

[2107] Yeah, but Jared Letto is a bad motherfucker as an actor.

[2108] Totally.

[2109] Come on.

[2110] But there's a thing where, like, He shows himself working out in a Superman shirt or something.

[2111] What's the problem with that?

[2112] People just look for shit to complain about.

[2113] No, no, it's a good thing.

[2114] It's amazing.

[2115] Like, he's like pumped.

[2116] Whoa, that totally could be you, Tony.

[2117] Totally.

[2118] Especially now with your new diet and fucking lifting.

[2119] What kind of car is that?

[2120] What is that?

[2121] Is that a real car?

[2122] What is it?

[2123] Pontiac.

[2124] Jamie?

[2125] See, they'll probably introduce some new car.

[2126] They do that sometimes.

[2127] Click on it.

[2128] Let me see.

[2129] Is that an Accurana sex?

[2130] No. That's a jaguar, right?

[2131] What is it?

[2132] Does it say?

[2133] So cool.

[2134] I don't know what that is.

[2135] Vador G35.

[2136] What is it?

[2137] A Vador.

[2138] A Vador?

[2139] Huh.

[2140] Yeah, it's a Vader.

[2141] Is that real?

[2142] Oh, okay.

[2143] Some car I never heard of.

[2144] Huh.

[2145] It's so neat.

[2146] Tony Hinchcliffe, you're starting to make some money now.

[2147] You're bowling.

[2148] You're going to get a new automobile, Tony Hinch -Lef?

[2149] You're going to get a new vehicle?

[2150] Maybe.

[2151] Maybe.

[2152] I could see Tony in a course.

[2153] Corvette.

[2154] Oh, God, I'd love it.

[2155] No ones.

[2156] Yeah.

[2157] No backseat.

[2158] Sorry, your friends can't come.

[2159] I want one so bad, but I have to be smart.

[2160] No, you don't.

[2161] Look at you.

[2162] For a little bit.

[2163] For at least until Friday.

[2164] January 13th.

[2165] I want to spend.

[2166] When a new Netflix special comes out.

[2167] Is that what it is?

[2168] The 13th?

[2169] Is that what I said?

[2170] 15th.

[2171] Two days away.

[2172] How did I get it wrong both times by three?

[2173] I said 18th and 13th.

[2174] One, 15, 2016.

[2175] By two.

[2176] I can't even count.

[2177] and a lot of a cool guest appearances in it like Joey Diaz brings me on stage and Brian Redband I high five because he goes in and goes up after me while check drop happens and stuff because it was a real show right and do you did you feel more comfortable because it was at the ice house place you performed countless times oh yeah no doubt about it I envisioned it home right two weeks out when I booked it with By the way, super huge shout -up for the Ice House, Sean Sullivan over there.

[2178] Two weeks out goes, two weeks before I shot this.

[2179] He goes, hey, you want to headline the Ice House the Saturday 730?

[2180] I go, yes.

[2181] And quick question, would you mind if I taped it with one camera in an attempt to shoot a special?

[2182] And he goes, absolutely, that'd be awesome.

[2183] I go, okay, okay, bye.

[2184] And, like, you know, the rest is like history.

[2185] He was there that night.

[2186] In fact, well, a fun fact about that is if you noticed when we saw the trailer, There was one guy that sort of like walked off.

[2187] That's Sean, which I think is so cool.

[2188] It's like a perfect little tiny, tiny, tiny cameo.

[2189] You'd have to really pause it at the right moment to see him.

[2190] That's awesome.

[2191] But he was so responsible for it happening.

[2192] And, uh, wait, what was the question?

[2193] Oh, yeah, being comfortable at the ice house was with the two weeks notice that I had.

[2194] I literally, I'm not even kidding or exaggerating.

[2195] And my dreams at night was like envisioning it.

[2196] And I'd like, you know, it would be a nightmare or a great dream depending on like, but I was like picturing it.

[2197] And during the day I was picturing it and where I wanted.

[2198] the steady cam to be because you know Ben Wolfensen my really good friend, amazing director, directed the beginning of Ari Sheffir's special and Trip Tank on Comedy Central but like you know this was my idea shooting it all in one shot.

[2199] It's a great idea it's a great way to also to capitalize on that small club.

[2200] Right well I knew I had to do something special to really stand out you know what I mean because I don't have you know TV fame or anything like that that's so many, you know, networks and everything looks for.

[2201] Yeah, but you really think that anybody's going to view it based on the fact that you shot in one shot?

[2202] I think Netflix, I think that's why they got it.

[2203] I don't think they're like, you know, let's take this nobody out of nowhere and, you know what I mean?

[2204] Stop.

[2205] You're funny.

[2206] Stop.

[2207] That's bullshit.

[2208] You would have got it anyway.

[2209] If you did that thing at the Irvine Improv, you would have still sold it to Netflix.

[2210] You're very funny.

[2211] You're very funny.

[2212] You're doing great and you have heat behind you.

[2213] You have heat behind you.

[2214] And you connected to a network of other comedians.

[2215] that have heat behind them.

[2216] Like that's another thing is I'm so honored to be up there with Segura, you know, who's came out two weeks ago and is amazing.

[2217] And everything about it's amazing.

[2218] Burr's whole fucking national persona changed.

[2219] Like people really became aware of who Burr is.

[2220] Burr was always like peaking.

[2221] He was always like ramping up, becoming more and more famous every year.

[2222] But once his Netflix special came out, and it was probably his best special to date, he just smashed it and then became a guy who sold out Madison Square Garden.

[2223] And that's, that easily can happen to you.

[2224] It could happen to Sigura, too.

[2225] Seguer's new special is even better than his other one.

[2226] He's fucking smashing it right now.

[2227] Yeah.

[2228] He's killing it.

[2229] It's the best platform for comedy.

[2230] It's an amazing time that we live in to where, like, that can happen.

[2231] A guy that's never done The Tonight Show or I've never done stand -up on TV at all.

[2232] I'm starting first time ever in the public.

[2233] Netflix hour.

[2234] Yeah.

[2235] I mean, think about Sugura, too.

[2236] Same thing.

[2237] He doesn't have like TV credits.

[2238] Right.

[2239] And he's selling out theaters.

[2240] Over and over.

[2241] again.

[2242] They keep adding shows to his comedy works this week.

[2243] How about Sebastian?

[2244] Two shows Thursday, two shows Friday, three shows Saturday.

[2245] They just added a midnight for him, this Denver Comedy Works.

[2246] It's amazing.

[2247] Selling out Comedy Works.

[2248] Yep, yep.

[2249] Well, he's a monster right now.

[2250] Well, he's a legit, like, world -class national headliner right now.

[2251] Yeah.

[2252] And it's all from, you know, working and grinding and grinding and doing specials on the internet.

[2253] It's amazing.

[2254] Yeah.

[2255] And from podcasting, you know, getting connected to people through podcasting.

[2256] Huge.

[2257] His podcast, too.

[2258] him and his wife your mom's house they have this tour that they do on the road with it and it's it's a whole thing of its own like they have all these little like things that people look forward to like tom or black like they'll play tom or black they'll play like they have little games that they play when brian and i do the road like when we uh when we go to ones that we drive to like if it's a san diego or a phoenix or a san fran or a sacramento which is like the majority of the places that we do go uh it's the only podcast that we listen to and we fucking crack up.

[2259] It's hilarious.

[2260] You just laugh and laugh and laugh.

[2261] It's the funniest podcast.

[2262] It's the only podcast that I really listen to ever.

[2263] The last one I did with Tom, the last podcast I did with Tom was one of the best ones we ever did.

[2264] It was fucking hilarious.

[2265] Like the entire time we're just laughing and gagging and slapping the table for three hours.

[2266] Just me and him like cracking each other up.

[2267] He's such a great guy.

[2268] He really is.

[2269] And he, you know, he's just the best.

[2270] He gave me a call yesterday and gave me some cool advice and just is a great great guy and he and because you know this Netflix thing is also like a different path it's a it's uncharted territory and he's helping me out being like a cool big brother that's awesome to me as this whole thing happens and unfolds so yeah I couldn't be luckier we're so lucky that something like Netflix exists because if you do a special on anything else like say if you do an HBO special they air it whenever they air it you know they might air it once they might air it twice they might It may air it a few other times.

[2271] It might air it randomly at 3 o 'clock in the morning on some special night.

[2272] But with Netflix, it's always there.

[2273] You just press start.

[2274] You just press play.

[2275] That's the secret.

[2276] That's everything.

[2277] And with their amazing algorithms that people that would like it are going to get a shot at it.

[2278] Everybody has a different screen when they turn theirs on based on what they watched.

[2279] And if they liked it and if they rated it.

[2280] And even if you don't rate things, it still knows you.

[2281] Their algorithm is like world, world, world class.

[2282] It's really interesting.

[2283] So the more that people would like you, the closer you're going to get to their front page.

[2284] Yeah, you know, I didn't know this.

[2285] The ratings on Netflix movies, like if it says like four stars or whatever, that's not actually the rating or the movie.

[2286] It's what they think you would say the rating is.

[2287] So like, yeah, so like there was one movie I watched the other day and I was like, how is it half a star?

[2288] That movie sucks so bad, but it's really, it has a half a star.

[2289] And I was like, oh, wait, that's, if you look at somebody else's, it would be like three stars.

[2290] Really?

[2291] Yeah, I didn't know that.

[2292] That's bizarre.

[2293] Yeah, it's really bizarre.

[2294] That doesn't seem like, that doesn't seem kosher.

[2295] Right.

[2296] Right?

[2297] Yeah.

[2298] Like a star system should be kind of like what people think.

[2299] Maybe they wanted to get that to avoid like a disgruntled person, like giving it like really bad reviews under a bunch of different fake names or the opposite.

[2300] Like maybe a company that like is like we've, there's been that before where someone put out an independent film and then someone hacked into the iTunes comment section.

[2301] And it's all just overwhelmingly positive, like, fake reviews of this terrible fucking movie.

[2302] And then someone in the comments will post, these are paid reviews.

[2303] Like, this is not real.

[2304] This movie's fucking terrible.

[2305] I've seen that before.

[2306] Yeah, me too.

[2307] So maybe that's what Netflix is trying to avoid.

[2308] Rotten Tomatoes is pretty guilty of that in general, I think.

[2309] It's like there's something.

[2310] It's hard.

[2311] It's hard when you've got a comment system, people don't hack it.

[2312] You know, people like, they've hacked iTunes ratings.

[2313] They figured out how to get higher ratings and pretend they have more.

[2314] downloads to have like multiple different like there's services that are like download your shit just to like juice up your ratings and add comments and like the algorithms that someone like iTunes has they're like easy to manipulate because they're based on downloads they're based on comments and they're based on new people so if you just have a bunch of new people sign up and then they leave a comment and they download it it'll jump you up in the rankings it's kind of interesting how they're, but I guess you can only sign up for iTunes so many times, right?

[2315] Yeah.

[2316] So that's probably how they avoid it, right?

[2317] Mm -hmm.

[2318] And it has your public name on there.

[2319] So it's like, even if you use your account, you don't want to be like, this sucks and then have your real name on there.

[2320] Yeah.

[2321] Yeah.

[2322] That's true.

[2323] Maybe iTunes is the right way.

[2324] But it seems like the right way, I don't know, man. I don't think there's anything like Netflix might have a point there, though, like in your circle of people that you like, What did those people think it was starwise versus in the circle of like seven -year -old people that live in nursing homes?

[2325] What did they think of Bob and Dave's new show, you know?

[2326] Yeah.

[2327] The fuck are we talking about.

[2328] We're talking business.

[2329] Shop talking.

[2330] Algorithms.

[2331] Yeah, algorithms.

[2332] All right, let's wrap this up.

[2333] Let's bring it home.

[2334] Friday, Tony Hinchcliffe will be with me in Atlanta in Hotlanda at the Tabernacle.

[2335] The shit is sold out.

[2336] If you did not get tickets, so sorry.

[2337] We'll be back.

[2338] But that night, Tony's one shot will appear magically on Netflix in your Q. That's QU -E.

[2339] Download it.

[2340] Enjoy.

[2341] Let a motherfucker know.

[2342] One shot.

[2343] One shot.

[2344] Five.

[2345] Give that bitch five stars.

[2346] And then we'll be in Tampa on Saturday night.

[2347] And then we'll be at the UFC on Sunday.

[2348] Excited about that one.

[2349] Yeah.

[2350] That's a big one.

[2351] That's a big world championship.

[2352] Dominic Cruz versus T .J. Dilshaw.

[2353] That should be off the hook.

[2354] And a good end of the weekend for us, you know?

[2355] Have a couple great shows.

[2356] Head on there.

[2357] Brian Redband, who's your guest this week?

[2358] I'm still finalizing it, but I'll let you, I'll announce it soon.

[2359] It's incognito, ladies and gentlemen.

[2360] We keep it on the D .L. until we release, but you do them Fridays, right?

[2361] I usually do every Friday.

[2362] I have two episodes, one with Sage Francis and Sovereign, and one with M .C. Chris and Christian Mingle.

[2363] It's called What Brian Red Band Do.

[2364] It's on iTunes.

[2365] Subscribe, rate, and review.

[2366] Help me out.

[2367] Boom.

[2368] And January 22nd and through the 24th, me and George Perez will be at the Brea Improv.

[2369] Boom.

[2370] Okay, beautiful.

[2371] That's Desquod TV.

[2372] You can get information for that.

[2373] Kill Tony is every Monday, pretty much every Monday at the comedy store.

[2374] We have our biggest one ever this Monday.

[2375] The one that everybody's been asking for the biggest one ever.

[2376] I'm not kidding.

[2377] I'm not allowed to announce it because we're going to announce it on the guy who it is podcast tomorrow.

[2378] So you're going to know who that is tomorrow afternoon.

[2379] And also real quick, Caroline's, I'm headlining New York City for the first time ever.

[2380] February 5th and 6th A week after we do the Beacon Theater together Oh Caroline's on Broadway February 5th and 6 Help me out in New York City Because I need to fill those seats And Beacon Theaters I think it's sold out It was not sold out It's basically sold out Almost so if you're thinking about Getting some tickets Jump on that That's end of the month All right you fuckers Thanks everybody Much love Bye bye big kiss Mua