Kenan Thompson

[0] Hi, my name is Kenan Thompson.

[1] And I feel great about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] Hello there.

[4] How was that?

[5] Was that sincere?

[6] You just put on this broadcaster voice when you say hello.

[7] You just went from destroying me and talking about getting help to just suddenly being like, I'm a professional guy now.

[8] Look at me. Your voice changed eight registers.

[9] You went flipping sona at like ultra high frequency to hello there.

[10] Hello there.

[11] I'm trying, you know, I'm trying to become professional when I do the podcast.

[12] And it's not working.

[13] What?

[14] The biggest note that we get about our podcast is that it is by far the least professional operation anybody's ever encountered.

[15] So I thought I'd start with, hello, I'm Conan.

[16] And welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[17] But I should say, just before we started the podcast today, Sona had a total technical meltdown.

[18] I did it.

[19] And it's, it's been a joy for me. I've been, I've been loving it because usually the joke is, ha, ha, Conan, the old fool, what an idiot.

[20] You know, everyone laughs at me because I'm not very good with tech.

[21] Obviously, I way outperform in other areas.

[22] But when it comes to tech, not great.

[23] But I think I've really learned how to do it pretty well.

[24] I got on my computer early today.

[25] I set up my ring light.

[26] I adjusted my mic to the various correct frequencies.

[27] I did everything right in just an 11 o 'clock when we were starting.

[28] I was ready to go.

[29] Sona immediately froze.

[30] And Sona, you said your problem was that you were, you didn't have, you weren't hardwired, you were in a different room.

[31] Are you hardwired?

[32] Yeah.

[33] Do you know what hardwired is?

[34] Yes.

[35] What is it?

[36] It's a thicker coating around the wire.

[37] Makes it harder to bend.

[38] you're not hardwired you know how i know you're not hardwired either is because if you need to be hardwired we need to bring our IT guy chris hayes to your house so that he can hardwire your computer so so you're saying that the thing that i was making fun of you for not having i also don't have yes yeah you haven't even achieved that level yet you don't even know where your router is so you couldn't even hardwire yourself even if you wanted to I could try.

[39] I've seen the movie Weird Science.

[40] And I happen to know by watching Anthony Michael Hall that all you need is a computer and then some pictures of girls in magazines from the 80s.

[41] And then you need to wear underwear on your head and get hit and the house has to get hit by lightning.

[42] And then a real life, sexy woman will come out of a closet with a lot of steam.

[43] Okay.

[44] So everything you know about tech, you know from that 1980s movie.

[45] Everything I ever needed to learn about technology, Kelly LeBrock, is that correct?

[46] I saw that movie when I first came out to Los Angeles, and it was like one of the first movies that I think Greg Daniels and I, who were writing partners, we had nothing to do, we had no girlfriends, we had no social life, we wrote jokes all the time, we shared a car, we went over, and there was a movie called Weird Science, and we watched it, and in it, these guys, these idiots literally they want to create the perfect woman so they cut out pictures from a magazine and they feed them into, I don't know what, they just feed them, I think, into a printer.

[47] Or a computer.

[48] Yeah, and then the house, they wear helmets made of foil and...

[49] No, they wear bras on their heads.

[50] Oh, my God.

[51] The house gets hit with electricity and then suddenly a closet opens and there's a lot of the same light they use for E .T. and the Goonies and every other movie made in the 80s.

[52] Kelly LeBrock walks out in her underwear, and I thought, oh, so that's how computers work.

[53] And sex.

[54] Yes, and sex.

[55] So I tried for years afterwards to create a woman by shoving pieces of paper into any hole I could find in the computer.

[56] And then hoping that I'd get hit by lightning.

[57] And nothing, nothing happened.

[58] That's not actually true.

[59] No, that's, I did create Andy Richter.

[60] So that was, it wasn't quite what I was looking for, but he's hilarious.

[61] It's one of the funniest people I've ever met, so I didn't get exactly what I was looking for.

[62] And, but it was still, you know, it was a great achievement.

[63] Andy Richter, I should point out, was also wearing the same underwear Kelly LeBrock was wearing, which wasn't, again, what my favorite thing, but not my least favorite thing either.

[64] Do you remember that?

[65] I think she was wearing like blue briefs and a cutoff like half top sweatshirt.

[66] Yeah.

[67] Well, I, I want to pretend.

[68] I don't remember, but I remember exactly.

[69] So that had a, that movie had a big impact on me. We were in science because I decided then that computers aren't so hard.

[70] you just need It's sort of In a weird way It was anticipating The Secret You know Which is if you The whole Oprah Philosophy of If you just think about it It will happen It's the same It's the same Yeah It's if nerds don't have A girlfriend And they want a sexy girlfriend They just have to buy A lot of softcore porn magazines And shove Shove pictures How do you feed it Into a computer?

[71] I'm looking at my computer now and I want to say this is my big problem.

[72] I love Apple products.

[73] My big problem with Apple is I don't see a place for me to shove a photograph of Kelly LeBrock.

[74] Right.

[75] I don't see it anywhere.

[76] We should talk to Tim Cook about that.

[77] You should use your power.

[78] I've called many times.

[79] Oh no. And left messages with assistant.

[80] So somewhere there's a bunch of memos that say to Tim Cook saying Conan O 'Brien called R .E. No. No, no portal in any MacBook pros where he can insert photographs of 80s sex symbols to create them while wearing a bra in his head and getting hit with lightning.

[81] That's what it says in the memos to Tim Cook.

[82] There were at least 50 of them and he's never returned my call.

[83] I love the image of yours, your computer on a desk and below it is a bunch of crumpled Kelly the Brock photos that you've tried to shove into it.

[84] I try.

[85] I get frustrated.

[86] And for a while, I was trying to use what I thought, and it was just like, no, that's just a small, that's just as the power accord goes there.

[87] No, that's, you know, so anyway, get on that apple, because there are a lot of freaks like me who are, you know, we're ready to go.

[88] Yeah, this is important.

[89] Whatever else you're working on stop.

[90] We need portals to put in pictures of 80s sex symbols.

[91] Well, I also, and this is going to be controversial, we've got plenty of vaccines now out there.

[92] Oh, boy.

[93] I'm just saying, let's pull off some of it.

[94] of those people in research and development, you've got at least five vaccines.

[95] Let's put the person working on the sixth working on creating Kelly LaBrox using Macbrook Pros.

[96] Hey, so who's on the show today, Conan?

[97] Yeah, let's please change the subject because I really don't want to update my resume.

[98] So who's on, who's on the show?

[99] Well, I'm glad you brought it up.

[100] Oh, good.

[101] Because I'm pretty sure what I just said was unacceptable.

[102] You're pretty sure?

[103] I am 60 % sure that my idea to pull research and development people off of more vaccines and put them into making what happened in weird science a reality, probably most people will think I'm a little off -kilter.

[104] So I think it's a good time to bring out the guest.

[105] Yeah, yeah, probably.

[106] My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's been a cast member on.

[107] Saturday Night Live for 18 seasons.

[108] Good God, making him the longest tenured cast member.

[109] That's fascinating.

[110] That's fantastic.

[111] I've been the longest host of the Conan show.

[112] Did you know that?

[113] No one else has hosted Conan longer than Conan.

[114] Okay, I made it about myself.

[115] Let's not do that.

[116] Thrill to have him here.

[117] I can't believe he's been on SNL for 18 years.

[118] He's so funny.

[119] He also stars in the new series, Keenan on NBC.

[120] I'm excited.

[121] Chat with him today.

[122] Thrilled, actually.

[123] Keenan Thompson, welcome.

[124] You know, people love you.

[125] They really do.

[126] I was talking to, you are absolutely beloved.

[127] I appreciate it.

[128] No, it's true.

[129] You have a, you have a...

[130] You were saying other things before we got on.

[131] I just wanted to...

[132] Well, before we got on, we were just getting started, and all I said was I asked Kenan, you know, where he was right now, and he said he's in L .A., because we're doing this remotely, I could feel your presence, and he said, what's that feel like?

[133] And I said, it's COVID -like symptoms.

[134] It's a heaviness in the chest.

[135] It's a mild fever, but I meant it as a compliment.

[136] Yeah, absolutely, and that's how I took it.

[137] Yeah, yeah.

[138] That's absolutely how I took it.

[139] The power of your personality.

[140] Many people have thought they were having COVID, and then it just turned out, Keenan was nearby, and they were picking up on his vibe, and it's such a powerfully good vibe, their immune system can't handle it.

[141] That's what it's all about.

[142] It's heavy in the chest.

[143] Yeah, heavy in the chest.

[144] Yeah, yeah, it hits in the chest.

[145] It's respiratory, mostly.

[146] No, Keenan, seriously, I was talking to a friend of mine, And he's always saying who's on the podcast and I'll always say who it is and I said I gotta go soon because I know the podcast and every time I tell him who's on the podcast my friend Rick he's like oh I really like that person really like that person and I said well I gotta go I'm gonna talk to Kean Thompson and he just starts kind of yelling into the phone he's the best he's the best he's the funniest guy's my favorite cast member on Sarned Out Live and I'm just like all right I got okay that's good Easy Rick that is the thing exactly yeah it was the ghost of Rick James, I was talking to.

[147] That's incredible.

[148] I knew you were spiritual like that.

[149] Yeah, I'm very spiritual.

[150] And I only talk to.

[151] I only talked to Rick James.

[152] He spreads the message from there.

[153] Yeah, yeah.

[154] Through Dave Chappelle, I talked to the ghost of Rick James.

[155] But I understand that reaction because I know I'm friendly with Bill Hader, who I think is one of the funniest people in the world.

[156] And he's such a huge fan of yours.

[157] And he talks a lot about you and your.

[158] serenity kind of on stage you're very you're so happy when you're performing but you're also serene and that it's very comfortable to be around and he's eyed you in sketches and thought man i wish i could i wish i could channel more of that which is i think maybe the highest compliment absolutely i mean that's amazing i guess i'm putting up a good front because i'm actually you know pretty terrified doing that stuff at the same time are you are you really though because i i don't i don't pick up any of that energy from you.

[159] I mean, you've been doing this.

[160] You started being a professional sketch performer on television.

[161] How old are you?

[162] Like 15.

[163] Yeah.

[164] My God.

[165] But, you know, we were still like recording to tape.

[166] You know what I'm saying?

[167] Like, the live element is a whole other level.

[168] True.

[169] True.

[170] It's just, it reminds me of theater.

[171] You know what I mean?

[172] It's like you're so nervous before you do your play.

[173] And then as soon as you get out there and say your first word, like all of that stuff just like goes away or whatever.

[174] So I try.

[175] try to anticipate getting to that moment more as opposed to being nervous.

[176] But I also get to shake my jitters singing the warm -up.

[177] You know what I mean?

[178] It gives me my chance to, like, be in front of those strangers that are going to be looking at me or whatever and get past that.

[179] You know what I mean?

[180] And then I can focus on the actual work.

[181] And I think it's different for people when they, their first time seeing the people for the cold open or if they're in the monologue or something like that.

[182] It's just like all those jitters up until that point.

[183] And then it's about waiting on your first laugh.

[184] You know what I'm saying?

[185] and hopefully the first thing you say is a laugh and you can just get through that.

[186] Here's the way I look at it.

[187] I look at it, like any audience, it's a blind date.

[188] Do you feel that that's a unique thing to comedy?

[189] Because if you're doing like Shakespeare, it's always Shakespeare or whatever.

[190] Yeah.

[191] But comedy, you have to earn a reaction every time.

[192] Yes.

[193] Well, I can't say with any authority because I'm not an actor.

[194] I've actually been told not to do Shakespeare.

[195] Uh, and I, that was in the park.

[196] I did it, I did it, yeah, and I don't look good in tights and they, they didn't like the whole thing.

[197] They want to be gone and it really wasn't Shakespeare.

[198] I was just trying to talk to women in tights and the whole thing creeped everybody out.

[199] And then later, my lawyer said, let's call it Shakespeare in the park.

[200] Yeah.

[201] So thank you for him.

[202] That guy's good.

[203] By the way, that's Rick.

[204] He's banking.

[205] But anyway, um, I, uh, is he sharing any of those courses?

[206] Because it's a big deal now.

[207] I know.

[208] I know.

[209] This was a long time ago.

[210] But I've always been very envious of people.

[211] You'll see the times that I was around or performing for, you know, or in the same room and watching President Barack Obama give a speech.

[212] If he makes a joke, it kills, but he doesn't have to make a joke.

[213] He can just tell you we need to bring peace to the world and the whole room goes crazy.

[214] And I'm sitting there thinking, if I go up there and say, by the way, we need to bring peace to the world.

[215] They say, shut up.

[216] No one wants to hear that from you.

[217] And it's a weird thing because that speech is well prepared.

[218] You know what I mean?

[219] It's written and read over several times and they don't have to deviate from that at all.

[220] But still, even doing that terrifies people.

[221] You know what I'm saying?

[222] It's just the difference with people.

[223] I don't know, man. It's a tough thing to try to like get past, but it's also part of like embracing the fact that it's got to happen.

[224] You know what I mean?

[225] almost like pulling that tooth.

[226] My daughter, you know, was scared about losing her tooth recently, and it was just wiggling and kind of...

[227] I'm glad it was loose because for a minute I thought you said, my daughter, she had this, like, healthy second tooth, and I thought it had to go.

[228] Yeah.

[229] It was like, no doubt.

[230] And then it got bad.

[231] But anyway, so she had this tooth that had to go, and you...

[232] And she was so scared of me pulling it.

[233] Like, I tried pulling it a couple times.

[234] It was making her cry.

[235] And then the dentist was just like, let her just let it fall out on its own.

[236] And like, the next day, you know, she was eating an apple and it just popped right out and it was no big deal, you know, and she was so happy, and the tooth fairy was coming to visit her and everything, so she got, like, right over it, basically.

[237] So it's kind of that same philosophy.

[238] But, you know, a lot better preached than performed, than practiced.

[239] You talk about starting out live, which is such a uniquely terrifying place to work in some ways, in many ways.

[240] And when you say you get to sing in the warm up, what it means is you get to go and meet the audience and connect with them before you've ever been in a sketch.

[241] And I understand completely how that would settle you because you almost feel like you were on your way.

[242] I'm going to go with the blind date analogy, but you've parked at the restaurant and you're on your way in when you bump into the person that you're going to be seeing in five minutes and you guys share a big laugh and you have a good connection.

[243] And you know before the blind date starts, you're okay.

[244] It's so scary.

[245] And I wish there was a way.

[246] to get past that, but Leslie Jones talks about it.

[247] She's just like, you know, it's because you care.

[248] If you didn't care, then you wouldn't feel anything.

[249] Yeah, that's the crux of, I mean, obviously not just performing a lot of things, but the minute you think I've got it, I'm good.

[250] I cracked this and I figured it out, and it's smooth sailing from here on out.

[251] Nothing good's going to happen anymore.

[252] It'll be fine, and people might pay to see it, but nothing real is going to happen.

[253] And I think that's why - Raw.

[254] You want that raw meat.

[255] Yeah, I know you're a carnivore.

[256] You know, it's funny, because I was thinking about you, you're such, I could be wrong, but I think I know one of the things that would make someone like a Lauren Michaels really love you.

[257] He wants you to be a really good performer, but I know specifically, it means a lot to him when people are, it sounds old -fashioned, it sounds like I'm my mom talking now, but it means a lot to him when someone's well -mannered and has manners.

[258] And I remember - Yes, that's the Canada in him.

[259] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[260] Exactly.

[261] And I know that years and years and years ago in another lifetime, now 28 years ago, when he, you know, tapped me to take over the late night show, I remember thinking, wow, Lauren Michaels picked me because he thought I was the funniest one.

[262] And later on, he was like, no, that's not why I picked you.

[263] And I was like, oh, really?

[264] And he said, you're good, you have good manners.

[265] He said, you have good manners.

[266] And you'll be well -mannered with the guests.

[267] And I thought, shit, that's the reason you pick.

[268] picked me. Fuck you, old man. Yeah, then I wasn't so well -mannered.

[269] Listen to me, you fucking, you piece of shit from Toronto.

[270] Conan, where'd you get a leather jacket from all of a sudden?

[271] I sprout a leather jacket when I become enraged.

[272] The way the Hulk turns green, I sprout a leather jacket.

[273] But, and, you know, all the times that I've, the times that I've encountered you, you're capable of so much explosive, comedic joy, And then you're also a very quiet, very kind person who sort of exudes, I don't know, for lack of a word of goodness, you know, and you're nice to people.

[274] I try.

[275] That's a good old Southern charm, you know.

[276] I have my manners and I was raised with knowing what pleasant trees can get you in life.

[277] You get a lot of further with the honey than you do with, what is it, salted vinegar chips?

[278] I don't know what it's called.

[279] It's not a salted vinegar chip.

[280] I'm bad at saying.

[281] Well, maybe that, I mean, first of all, yes, that's the essence of the saying.

[282] I have never heard it said that way, but I like that.

[283] I think it's true.

[284] You can't get further with honey than with the salted vinegar chip, depending on what you're eating or drinking.

[285] Or what you like.

[286] Yeah.

[287] I mean, I know for me, that comes from my mom.

[288] Big time from my mom, for sure.

[289] She was definitely, like, always in the start of, like, I don't care about none of this Nickelodeon mess.

[290] I will take you out of here in a heartbeat, and we'll go back to Atlanta and I will beat your ass all the way back and, like, all of that type stuff.

[291] So I was, you know, raised in the fear of the Lord and the fear of my dad's belt and all that.

[292] You know, I came from the whoopens era, you know what I'm saying?

[293] So I was taught to behave myself.

[294] But, I mean, I don't know.

[295] I'm just a positive person.

[296] I like to stay happy and want the people around me to be happy.

[297] And I'm always really, you know, eager to celebrate a funny moment if it happens naturally.

[298] I'm not necessarily the guy in the room like, hey, everybody gather around.

[299] You know what I'm saying?

[300] I got something funny going down.

[301] I would love to tell you about it.

[302] Guess what?

[303] The truth is, Kenan, everybody hates that guy.

[304] They do.

[305] And he does too.

[306] He hates himself.

[307] Yeah, he hates himself.

[308] And I know, because I'm that guy.

[309] Anybody who comes into the room and says, hey, everybody, I got some funny stuff going down.

[310] Check me out.

[311] Has about a year to live before he's just murdered.

[312] Especially when they're dragging in a giant trunk.

[313] Hold on a second.

[314] Tell me. Yeah, it's funny because I heard you say in an interview once that when you were a kid, you really love The Price is Right, the Game Show, The Price is Right.

[315] And then you decided like, I want to, whatever that is, that's what I want to bring to people through entertainment.

[316] And it's so funny because I kind of know what you're talking about.

[317] And at the same time, I never took my inspiration from The Price is Right.

[318] I mean, it's just a level of joy for those people to hope to get their name.

[319] called.

[320] You know what I mean?

[321] Like, that's how you get in.

[322] It's like, we want to see how excited you are to meet Bob Barker.

[323] You know what I'm saying?

[324] It's like, oh, yeah, Bob is a, you know, college crush of mine.

[325] And ladies are, you know, bouncing their balloons around.

[326] I don't know.

[327] It's a weird, very colorful place.

[328] Kenan, you looked in the mirror as a child and said, I want to make people that happy through being funny.

[329] You realize those people are getting yachts.

[330] They're getting barbecues.

[331] They're getting saunas.

[332] They're getting cars.

[333] Vacations.

[334] Like, that's why I think.

[335] That's a steep hill to climb with jokes.

[336] Yeah, I look at Oprah and Ellen sometimes, and I think, you know, people are screaming and crying and jumping up and down and they're so happy because they just got something.

[337] They each got the equivalent of $25 ,000 or $30 ,000.

[338] And I think, I'm never going to be that funny.

[339] There's no way possible.

[340] But this is a six -year -old looking at himself in the mirror.

[341] Thank God.

[342] But, yeah, now, I mean, it's a steep hill to climb.

[343] But I don't know, man, just the colorfulness and the joy of being in a room all together on a vibe like that.

[344] Trying to figure out, you know, jobs that match that kind of energy.

[345] S &L was definitely one of them, which is a big part of, like, why I've been there for going on 18 seasons now.

[346] When I see you on Sarnat Live over the years, I can see that you're most alive when it's, It's completely beside the point, foolishness.

[347] Absolutely.

[348] You know, I'm thinking about, like, DeAndre Cole and, like, what's up with that?

[349] The idea that the show, you're a talk show host who never lets anybody talk because you're too busy singing, and I'm always looking at who's going to come dancing out, what's going to happen, and it's a complete, it's an explosion.

[350] It's an explosion of joy, madness, and the guests are never allowed to say a word.

[351] Yeah, that's the kind of show I would want to hope.

[352] It's the perfect storm of silly.

[353] Yeah, it's the perfect storm of extreme silly that we are all so excited to even get on, even when it's like the fifth time going around.

[354] Like when we were rehearsing the first time and afterwards, I would see like Sadeke's pouring sweat.

[355] You know what I'm saying?

[356] Yeah, yeah.

[357] Like, he's just dancing.

[358] Like, it's not like a sketch he has to do that for.

[359] Everybody was just loving the idea and loving the vibe that it was creating.

[360] It was the greatest parade.

[361] of my friends that I could ever come up with, you know, so that that's the kind of shit I'm talking about when I talk about like Price is Right, you know, level of enthusiasm, just a big wild circus but still setting something funny, basically, like that Lindsay Buckingham joke is my favorite thing in the world.

[362] Yeah, yeah.

[363] Bill Hader just sitting there.

[364] Oh, my God.

[365] He got something to say every time.

[366] He came to say something real serious and I tell him we're going to get to it.

[367] We're going to get to it.

[368] And he's sitting there.

[369] And then I'll always love the cut to him.

[370] every time.

[371] And you say, you always, it's such a smart joke.

[372] You plant, you put it out there.

[373] He's supposed to be with his family.

[374] It's the holidays.

[375] But he flew here.

[376] He took like three planes to get here.

[377] That's my buddy.

[378] He's going to tell us the meaning of Christmas and he made a huge sacrifice to be here.

[379] And then at the end, sorry we couldn't get to you.

[380] Oh my God.

[381] Oh, my God.

[382] Lindsay, we forgot.

[383] We ran out of time once again.

[384] Oh, you ain't mad.

[385] at me, how you, Lindsay?

[386] But here's how I watch, because I worked at Sarnat Live, I think before you were born, but because I worked there way back in the day, and I don't think this has changed.

[387] I always watch that show differently because when I watch you do, say, D 'Andre Cole, I'm very aware that you did a dress rehearsal.

[388] And the dress rehearsal, so when I'm seeing you do that, I'm aware that you did it an hour and a half ago and that nobody holds back in dress rehearsal.

[389] So that is unbelievable.

[390] to me. I'm thinking nobody in America knows this is the second time in an hour and a half that you've done it.

[391] Well, thank you for telling them because, yeah, they need to recognize it.

[392] It's bullshit.

[393] You should get paid twice, is what I'm saying.

[394] That's right.

[395] And the NCAA should be paying.

[396] What else can we, what else can we vouch for?

[397] I'm going to get a lot of people involved.

[398] You know what I do?

[399] Let me represent you in a class action lawsuit.

[400] And I'm not going to go, I'm not going to, I'm going to get my lawyer, Rick.

[401] And as you know, he loves.

[402] you, but I'm going to get, uh, I, I want you.

[403] There are a lot of people that perform at a lower energy.

[404] And when I see what you do on that show often, I think, uh, no, he did that twice tonight.

[405] And no one in America knows that.

[406] So I'll start a Kickstarter to get you compensated for those other performances they're not seeing.

[407] Yeah.

[408] No, I mean, I appreciate it.

[409] But yeah, that's, uh, that's one of those other like personal things that, you know, people inside appreciate and they know when they see it and you know it graduates and it helps the word or mouth as far as getting other jobs is concerned but honestly like you know how that celebration thing is fleeting over there like you know you celebrate something that went well one week and you're back starting fresh on monday and that week might be the worst week of your life you know what i mean so you learn to kind of like mediate the celebrating and just kind of look back on it like when it's all done probably you know what i mean and yeah the fact that you did it twice this like, wow, I feel like, you know, a very, you know, durable type of a performer.

[410] Like the fact that my voice, it cracks sometimes, like doing warm up and then doing DeAndre Cole twice in the night, it would take as toll sometimes.

[411] So in other sketches, my voice might be blown.

[412] And that will bug me more than anybody else because I don't think people are paying that much attention to it.

[413] But at the same time, it allows me to forgive myself because it's like, yeah, man, like, you're doing, you know, two shows a night.

[414] Like, it's all good.

[415] You can have a crack on that one weird world.

[416] one weird word and nobody will really be paying attention.

[417] There's the pride, too, of you're giving it your all, all the time.

[418] I try to, man. I mean, that was one of those pride points of being a professional, you know, growing up when I was trained.

[419] Like when I was looking at my mentors in the theater, that's all they talked about being, being on time, being prepared, knowing your character, knowing your lines, like, you know, little things like that.

[420] So I always take those performances to heart when I feel like I went into it with the right attitude, basically.

[421] So if something goes well and I was being a little turd about it the whole week, like I don't feel as good about it, you know what I mean?

[422] But like, it makes me feel good when I have done a whole lot of work and people still talk kindly about me. That's not the word we got before we got on this phone call.

[423] Is that right?

[424] Oh, okay, that's news to me. What exactly was that word?

[425] There were just all, there were all these, you know, this is what Keenan requires before he'll get on the Zoom call.

[426] That's interesting.

[427] That's interesting.

[428] Do you ever find that people, someone will say that we were told X or Y about you and it didn't come from you?

[429] I've actually had that in the past where interns back at NBC were told don't make eye contact with Conan.

[430] I never said that.

[431] And in fact, I like to chat up everybody.

[432] Yeah, I had to learn that because people would walk by and they'd be like, hey, and then they wouldn't say anything.

[433] And I'm like, what is that?

[434] And they were like, oh, they're told not to speak to you guys whatever.

[435] I'm like, that's crap.

[436] You know, like, we're from, I'm from the South, so everybody, you know, says, hey, how you doing?

[437] Good morning.

[438] Would you like some tea?

[439] Or would you like some lemonade?

[440] Just, you know, everybody has tea and lemonade, I guess, as they're walking around.

[441] I find that really weird.

[442] You're saying that if you walk, wait a minute, Keenan, you're saying you're walking anywhere in the South and you're just walking down the street and people are just coming out of the bushes saying, would you like some tea?

[443] Would you like some lemonade?

[444] You should try it.

[445] You obviously haven't tried it.

[446] It's a little cold.

[447] Does anybody have some tea?

[448] I love that you live in this.

[449] Your south is this magical Disney South.

[450] It is.

[451] People are just coming out of, would you like some tea?

[452] Would you like some lemonade?

[453] Yes, I would.

[454] Well, hello, Mr. Bluebird.

[455] Let's have a little chowl together.

[456] Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

[457] Well, I very much would like some lemonade.

[458] Absolutely, tweet, tweet, tweet.

[459] Meanwhile, it's just me up in a tree tripping out by myself.

[460] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[461] It'd be great if I went with you and we were just walking around, you know, Georgia, and that's what you were experiencing, and I was seeing what's really happening.

[462] And then I realized, oh, he had a serious psychotic break a long time ago.

[463] Yeah.

[464] I know that you're also into one of my obsessions is bicycles.

[465] I grew up riding bikes, and I recently, like, got into it, like, workout -wise because I'd been through, you know, lifting weight years or trying to jog and being a jogger type year.

[466] and I just didn't really stick to any of them.

[467] I hate gyms.

[468] I hate treadmills.

[469] I hate stationary bikes.

[470] They don't make enough sense to me. Like, it's the worst, you know, waste of my time ever, basically.

[471] I could be outside running, but it takes a toll on your knees, blah, blah, blah.

[472] So biking came back up, and my wife bought me a bike for, like, my birthday or Christmas or something.

[473] Yeah, it became a thing.

[474] Like, I had time during COVID in the beginning of the lockdown for, like, six months.

[475] I was in Tampa, and there was great bike trails.

[476] So I just started hitting it every morning.

[477] you know, and then got back to New York and kept it up and got a new bike that goes a little faster and stuff like that and started hitting all the New York trails.

[478] So I wanted to ask you being in L .A. like I've been riding on the beach, but where else do you ride out here?

[479] First of all, that's my business.

[480] Okay, yes it is.

[481] I'm not going to tell you that.

[482] Could you write your address down first, please?

[483] I said you were well -mannered.

[484] I think those were rude questions.

[485] I apologize.

[486] No, I'll tell you, first of all, I'm bitter because I lived in New York for years.

[487] there was no place to ride your bike.

[488] And it's like the second I left, they said, is he gone?

[489] Yeah, he's gone.

[490] Bike, carve out the city.

[491] Bike trails, shut down whole sections of the city and turned them into beautiful bike lanes.

[492] Through the middle of Times Square.

[493] You want to see Times Square from a bike?

[494] Now the Conan's gone.

[495] Yeah.

[496] They waited for me to go.

[497] Those bastards, they waited for me to go, and then they turned it.

[498] And now, of course, there's a lot of great places.

[499] You don't really.

[500] feel bad.

[501] It's pretty great.

[502] You can ride from like the Tappanzee to like Brooklyn basically on the bike trails.

[503] When I think about what I used to do because I had a bike and I think about how I just used to dodge cabs and I used to get up and go across the George Washington Bridge and I'd be like crazy.

[504] And I think I probably was killed 10 times over and I just don't know it.

[505] I don't know I'm dead.

[506] Go around.

[507] Go around.

[508] Go around.

[509] Yeah.

[510] I had a large, I had a large tricycle.

[511] I had a really large tricycle.

[512] Yeah, a little flag.

[513] And I wore my baseball cap sideways.

[514] And I was like, go around me. Yeah, screw you two.

[515] It's not a trike.

[516] It's a bike with an extra wheel.

[517] And now it's a completely different experience.

[518] Here in L .A., it's really tricky.

[519] I have a bunch of rules because I don't want to die on a bike.

[520] And I'm constantly seeing people.

[521] I don't know if you've had this experience.

[522] that you're here in Los Angeles and doing some work here.

[523] But when you're in L .A., all I do is see people that look like they're doing their best to get killed.

[524] They just, they ride on, like the main road here, one of the main roads that runs all the way across Los Angeles is Sunset Boulevard.

[525] And people think if it's a famous street, people think of it as a street.

[526] It's not a street.

[527] It's a highway.

[528] And it's a highway with no shoulder.

[529] And there's a lot of blind corners.

[530] And every night I come home, I'm driving my car and it's night time and I'm coming back from the studio or the theater and I'm coming up in my car and I'm coming around the corner and someone will be wearing all black and it's dark and...

[531] And they'll be black.

[532] And they'll be...

[533] And they'll be black.

[534] And I'll be like, hey, you, you're black and you're wearing black, which sounds like I'm being racist but I'm just worried, you know?

[535] You're not, you're worried because it's nighttime and they're riding a bike in the traffic Sometimes my worry is misconstrued as racism.

[536] It's because of the accent.

[537] Excuse me there, sir.

[538] You are wearing black and you also appear to be black.

[539] And I'm worried about you at nighttime on that bicycle.

[540] But no, it's really bad.

[541] So I have all my rules involved.

[542] I feel like I'm jinxing myself as I say this because I think like, okay, now tomorrow I get hit and then this plays.

[543] But I really do try hard.

[544] And what I do is I try to stay off streets like that.

[545] And so I have all kinds of shortcuts.

[546] and then if you can get down to the water safely, that's where it gets amazing because there are these trails.

[547] You can ride way south of LAX and there's really amazing Long Beach, there's amazing bike paths, which are fantastic.

[548] So I will, it's, it will, the minutia of it and detail will be boring on a podcast, but I will gladly tell you everywhere I think you should go.

[549] Please map me out because, like, I've been riding at, you know, Santa Monica and it's nice going north, and then you go south and you run into reality.

[550] So it's like, all right, cool.

[551] Yeah, what you want to do is...

[552] It'd be nice to just continue along for a while and just look at the, you know, ocean and the mountains and escape.

[553] Yeah, what you want to do is get south of the marina and there's a whole kooky way and you don't have to do this.

[554] I'll just put that out there.

[555] If you want to ride with me, I mean, I feel like you're saying it because you want company.

[556] I mean, I could be reading into it a little too far, though.

[557] I was...

[558] I only do that.

[559] this is a favor to you, but I desperately want you to ride with me. Hey, this thing is called Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[560] How many clues do you need?

[561] I hear you.

[562] There is a way to get down.

[563] You basically want to get south of the marina, and there's actually like a little bridge that goes over the marina.

[564] And then once you get over there, you keep going and you're in Mexico.

[565] And then it's fantastic.

[566] You're in Mexico and you're doing it.

[567] That's a little close.

[568] I feel like next time.

[569] So it's not right where L -A -X is.

[570] Look, I'm not - How long have you been out here?

[571] I'm not good at geography.

[572] I'm just saying, I'm pretty sure that several times I've been having a really good side of my bike.

[573] I got south of, and then the next thing I knew I was in Mexico.

[574] And I was paying with things.

[575] You might have been confused.

[576] There are a lot of Mexicans in California.

[577] Are there?

[578] Names of towns that are Mexican -sounding and things like that.

[579] Yeah.

[580] A lot of heritage here.

[581] Oh, I keep coming.

[582] That's easily confused, because the only difference is a toll bridge booth between California and Mexico.

[583] So that's kind of the only.

[584] You know, I was curious.

[585] I never had to show my passport.

[586] You know what?

[587] And now I'm embarrassed.

[588] You definitely didn't leave the country then.

[589] I came back, I come back from these trips and I'm always telling people I was in Mexico and I had the best time.

[590] And then I was just in a place that sounded like it was Mexico and I saw tons of people who were speaking Spanish.

[591] I've had amazing.

[592] That happens.

[593] It was all 10 minutes south of the airport, which I was convinced I was Sona.

[594] Do you think I was in Mexico?

[595] No, I don't.

[596] Okay.

[597] I'm glad we straightened this out.

[598] What about you, Matt?

[599] Absolutely not.

[600] No way.

[601] And he asks every guest to go biking with him.

[602] Oh, well, that's cool.

[603] But what kind of biker are you?

[604] I don't have the uniform, by the way.

[605] I don't like the uniform.

[606] I used to wear the uniform because I always.

[607] almost thought you had to like you go when you first start biking you think oh and i have to everyone else driving a bike is riding a bike right wearing that stuff and i thought that's just what you had to do and i really hate it so i went and found i just didn't like looking like that i wanted to get off my bike yeah go into a cafe and get coffee and look like a person who maybe conceivably drove or walked there i didn't want to look like a moon man clomping in in his clumpy feet in oh and wearing weird spandex and uh with butt pads yeah exactly well actually i mean i like the butt pat because you like the butt steak i have no ass i have no ass and so uh what i found is that i can wear i can get pants that have a butt pad but they just look like pants and um yeah so i like that's the way i like to fill it out that's the way i like to ride now i like to look like kind of a normal person who's riding a bike i don't even think i have my water bottle thing on my bike I just, I like cruising.

[608] I like feeling like a little kid out there as opposed to like, I got a workout because of, you know, heart murmurs or whatever.

[609] You know what I'm like?

[610] I don't want to have to think that it's just for health.

[611] You think everybody on a bike has a heart murmur?

[612] That's how you fight heart murmurs with bicycle, right?

[613] Yeah.

[614] Maybe, I guess.

[615] I am a learned man of medicine.

[616] Yeah, it's either the best thing to do if you have a bad heart or the worst thing to do.

[617] I've got a really bad heart.

[618] I've got to get on this bike and get out there and just get my heart rate up as high as possible.

[619] Well, okay, clearly I've put it out there and you've let me know very gently.

[620] There's going to be no Keenan and Conan bike ride.

[621] It's happening.

[622] I'm down to go, whatever.

[623] You can say anything on this call.

[624] It all sounds good.

[625] And then later on, we'll try to make it happen.

[626] Your people, Your people shut it down.

[627] It's just, you know, lots going on.

[628] There's a lot of press.

[629] We're still shooting.

[630] I mean, all of a sudden, I'm back in New York.

[631] This is what it is.

[632] This is what it is.

[633] But maybe I'll be back in the summer and, you know, I'll get you up and when I touch down.

[634] Here's what happens.

[635] I call Lorne and then you're going to get a call from, when you get back to SNL, Lauren's going to call you into his office.

[636] He's going to go, Keenan, you've got to help me. Conan's calling.

[637] And he says there's a, he says there's a bike.

[638] Did you promise him you'd go bike riding?

[639] Did you promise him?

[640] You can't do that.

[641] You can't promise him things and leave him hanging because he then he's calling me and then I have to buy him toys.

[642] And he only likes a specific toy from a specific store.

[643] Would you just get on the fucking bike with him just one time, Kenan?

[644] I can't believe I have to have a fucking meeting about this.

[645] Like, really, are we talking about this?

[646] You told him you'd go get on the fucking back.

[647] Is this really what we're talking about?

[648] I've got Mick Jagger on line one.

[649] I've got Paul Simon on line two and Paul McCartney on line three.

[650] Or is it Paul McCartney on line to?

[651] It's still those three.

[652] It's still those three references, by the way.

[653] Yeah, and you never know which Paul it is.

[654] I've got to go talk to Paul.

[655] McCartney or Simon.

[656] I'm not sure.

[657] I don't know.

[658] Well, listen, we'll straighten that out with you.

[659] I'm going to get you.

[660] You'll be an expert.

[661] Is that Teddy Roosevelt?

[662] I got Teddy Roosevelt behind me. It's a prop that I stole from Warner Brothers.

[663] It's actually I stole that.

[664] You know, I just like to have an authority figure in the room.

[665] I was watching not.

[666] to change the subjects drastically two times in a row, but I was watching your doc when you were on tour, like, doing it in between shows.

[667] And it was amazing because I guess it was the first time actually seeing you play an instrument constantly, you know what I mean?

[668] Like, I think people knew that you played, but I didn't know that you did it, you know, like full on, damn there, basically rock shows.

[669] I know that you play guitar too.

[670] For me, I play it constantly, and Sonny, you can attest to this, it's all I do when I'm at work.

[671] If my fingers are doing that, then my brain can think about comedy in a serene, calm way.

[672] Does that make sense?

[673] It does.

[674] It does.

[675] Because I know you play guitar, too.

[676] A little bit, but, like, I'm still learning very much so.

[677] Like, my chord game is strong, but my solo game is pretty ghostly.

[678] It's non -existent.

[679] You know, that's kind of the way, like, my wife, you know, learns, basically.

[680] She has to draw while she's listening to people.

[681] That's the only way she can listen.

[682] And it seems like she's being disrespectful, but that's the way she's, like, really listening to you.

[683] So I get that.

[684] Genius minds are kind of like that.

[685] Like, you have to be doing a lot for one part of the brain to focus because so many parts of the brain are firing that they can't be just, I don't know, bored or else they'll miss it.

[686] You know what I'm saying?

[687] Like, if you're bored, then you won't be able to be as creative as you want to be because then you might be like, oh, now I'm focusing on the anxiety of creating something comedic or funny or whatever.

[688] I find that in a weird way that's also like driving.

[689] For me, it's the shower.

[690] I don't know what it is about being in the shower, but I have great ideas in there.

[691] Well, also, because you're doing something.

[692] The part of your brain that's anxious that thinks I need to be doing something is satisfied because you're taking care of a task, but it's kind of a mindless task, and that frees up this other part to just say, hey, wait a minute, I have an idea.

[693] What if a phone booth was filled with custard, and I opened it in a sketch, and the customer was filled with acid, and it burned to you.

[694] like that's brilliant now keenan the show not the man but keenan the show uh this is where are you in this process we are we're making 10 and we are finishing up episode six i believe so we are in the middle of it and it's single camera looks like single camera but we're shooting several cameras at once to shave time for COVID protocol reasons and things like that but it actually helps us because we don't have to wait on turn around and stuff like that you know what I mean we're able to, like, crank through a lot of stuff.

[695] Still 12 -hour days, but, you know, they could be, you know, 12 -hour days getting a lot less done.

[696] So the cast is amazing.

[697] You've done film, so it's not like this, you're new to this, but it is almost in some ways maybe the polar opposite of being a sound -out live and getting that adrenaline kick.

[698] It's a bonding, but, I mean, it's also like you've got to come in and be ready to, like, perform at your highest level, like, all day, every day, as opposed to, like, all right, let's, you know, massage it up, until Saturday night, and then once dress rehearsal happens, that's when we kick it in the, you know, full -time gear or whatever and do it twice.

[699] Right.

[700] But this is like several takes, and each take you want to be usable, basically, you know what I mean?

[701] So if we're doing like a musical performance, like we just finished last night and today, you know, we're doing dance moves, we're jumping down on our knees, you know what I mean, standing up without pushing up with your hands.

[702] You know, the last time I actually stood up off of my knees without using my hands, like it's been a long time.

[703] You know what?

[704] I've been lifted to my feet by other adults my entire life.

[705] You feel that pain, inner thigh muscle pain, that you never thought you would use the next day.

[706] So that's what I'm feeling right now.

[707] I'm stretching my knees out and just feeling the age.

[708] But, you know, that's kind of the difference.

[709] Either give it every day all day, Monday through Friday, or, you know, stress out about trying to write something, you know, brilliant in comparison to a 45 -year history, basically.

[710] You know, it's like the two different things.

[711] It's two different stresses.

[712] Well, I feel bad for everyone else out there during this pandemic who we all get antsy and we all get feeling really glum.

[713] And then I have this experience of saying, I'm going to talk to Kenan Thompson today.

[714] And it made me happy all day anticipating getting to talk to you because I am a big admirer of your talent, but also just your way of conducting yourself and your joy in bringing silliness to people.

[715] And so this was, it was a real treat to have you on the podcast.

[716] It really was, because I've thought, I've never really got to sit and talk to you like this before.

[717] No, it's always been like the talk show version, where I'm supposed to be eight minutes funny and sharp.

[718] And I think in my younger, when I first was hired, SNL days, I wasn't ready to do that.

[719] So I don't think I got called back too many times.

[720] And ever since then, like I've just been watching you and being, I was a fan before, but just watching you do your, thing and just being a fan from afar and wanting to hopefully one day wind up back between you and Andy and being mature enough to have a great interview, you know what I mean?

[721] So this is definitely my version of that.

[722] Oh my God.

[723] I've been looking forward to it all week, actually, since it was on the schedule.

[724] I'm like, that's one I've been waiting to do either the show or his podcast for forever.

[725] So let me say that to you.

[726] Well, you can do both.

[727] Do me a favor when you're ready to really get out and push anytime.

[728] I mean, whether it's for the new show or anything, you're always welcome on anything I'm doing.

[729] And if you get desperate enough and want me to show you how to get south of the marina on a bike.

[730] I'm going to actually take you to the real Mexico.

[731] Would you like to know the real Mexico?

[732] I'm still convinced I was there.

[733] It's 20 minutes south of the airport.

[734] I'm convinced that's Mexico.

[735] I also think I was in Korea.

[736] because and I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure I was in Armenia I know for sure there's Armenia down there but you can go to all those places here in Los Angeles I'm telling you there's magic portals that take you to those countries It's not just Hollywood It's a melting pot Yeah It's a beautiful melting pot Hey Keenan My congratulations on on the new show and everything that's happening for you and has been happening for you and God bless and thank you for doing this Likewise, man. It's absolutely my pleasure.

[737] I hope everybody loves the show.

[738] I said earlier, the cast is amazing, but we really have some great people.

[739] I'll name drop.

[740] Don Johnson, Chris Red, Fortune Feimster, Taylor Louderman, Kimri Lewis, Danny and Dana, my little daughters.

[741] I mean, I'm so excited I name drop just to shout them out because I love him.

[742] That's a fantastic.

[743] That's fantastic cast.

[744] Yeah, man. I think people are going to dig it.

[745] Man, who's cooler than Don Johnson?

[746] And the few times I've encountered him in life, he is a exactly as cool as you would want him to be, and then some.

[747] Because he's got the stories to match.

[748] God, those stories are so good.

[749] I'm getting them daily.

[750] It's all Miami Vice, crazy 80s.

[751] Good, good stories.

[752] The 80s was the time to be super famous and sexy.

[753] Absolutely.

[754] Hey, listen, I want you to get, you to rest.

[755] You're working way too hard, so go yell at your people.

[756] I will.

[757] I really appreciate this, man. Thank you so much.

[758] Okay, no problem.

[759] Thank you, guys.

[760] Nice meeting you, Sona.

[761] Nice being you, too.

[762] Matt.

[763] That was great.

[764] Nice meeting you, Kenan.

[765] It's always nice to check in with the people that call the number at the end of this show to leave a voicemail for you, Conan.

[766] Do you want to hear one?

[767] Yes, I do.

[768] Okay.

[769] Hello, my name is Douglas Wood.

[770] On a recent episode of Conan O 'Brien meets a friend, there was a brief discussion about Conan having his own closing line.

[771] I think this is a fabulous idea that has historical precedent.

[772] Johnny Carson's apparel line from the 1970s.

[773] I am, however, However, having trouble figuring out what kind of clothing Conan could offer.

[774] The only thing that comes to my mind is he could specialize in clothing that protected you from the sun, like broad -brimmed hats and shirts that had an SPF reading.

[775] So my question is, Conan, what kind of clothes do you think you could offer in a clothing line?

[776] Thanks.

[777] Love the podcast.

[778] Keep up the good work, Pat and Sona.

[779] Bye.

[780] First of all, I love this guy.

[781] He's clearly very intelligent, has good taste in podcasts.

[782] and he knows his broadcast history.

[783] Yes, Johnny Carson had his own clothing line that was very successful and there were suits you could get, you could dress like Johnny Carson and it was a big thing.

[784] And the reason this happened is that Johnny Carson was thought of as one of the coolest guys in the country.

[785] That's why he could have his own clothing line.

[786] Now, I'd like to think that I've had some impact in the comedic world and that I've had a long and pretty decent talk show career.

[787] However, nobody thinks that I'm a super cool guy.

[788] Nobody.

[789] Men wanted to dress like Johnny Carson and women wanted to be around a guy that was like Johnny Carson.

[790] That's why he could have a clothing line.

[791] That's the first flaw in the reasoning that I would actually have a clothing line.

[792] I don't even know that I have a personal style.

[793] Do you guys want to weigh in?

[794] Do I have a personal style that speaks to you?

[795] Brown leather jackets.

[796] Millions and millions of people.

[797] brown leather jackets.

[798] I'd say it's Michael Myers goes to math camp.

[799] Michael Myers goes to math camp.

[800] That's, that's, uh, no, listen, you, you saw my boat turning around slowly and open water and you put a torpedo right in my boiler room.

[801] Well, I just know how many times I've had to take it from you on how I addressed, so it just fell in, no, no, I, uh, I don't own a hockey mask.

[802] No, that's Jason Vort.

[803] he's.

[804] Oh.

[805] Oh.

[806] Who's Michael Myers?

[807] He's the one that's a William Shatner mask, but he has kind of red hair and a white face.

[808] Okay.

[809] Okay.

[810] Okay.

[811] Okay.

[812] I think, well, someone is right.

[813] I mean, um, what you said, Matt was just cruel.

[814] It's funny.

[815] And, uh, you know, if I dish it out, I suppose I have to learn how to take it and then insist later on you edit it out.

[816] We've been on such a good streak lately.

[817] I shouldn't have taken that shot.

[818] No, no, no. I risk ruining this nice streak we've been on.

[819] No, no, no, no. It was very funny and you'll pay for it, but it was very funny.

[820] Yeah, I will.

[821] So, and you'll wish you'd never done it.

[822] But, Sona, you're right, I do favor just a leather jacket.

[823] And I've, I wouldn't say I've got millions and millions of them.

[824] When I did the ride -along remote that a lot of people know with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, I was wearing a leather jacket.

[825] And then later on, I did another one with them, like a year later, a year and a half later.

[826] And I had the same jacket.

[827] and they were making fun of me for having the same crappy jacket and really ridiculing it.

[828] And I realized I didn't even wear it for continuity.

[829] I just happened to be wearing the same jacket.

[830] So I wouldn't say I have millions and millions of them.

[831] You have a lot.

[832] I think the two things you have a lot of are guitars and brown leather jacket.

[833] True.

[834] It's just what you, oh, and glasses.

[835] Oh, my God, you have glasses.

[836] You lose them a lot.

[837] I lose them.

[838] Yeah.

[839] And I also give them away to people who I think look near -sighted.

[840] I'm very generous that way.

[841] Rockefeller used to hand children a dime.

[842] My thing is I walk around with like 15 eyeglasses in my pocket.

[843] And when I see people squinting at all, even if it's from the sun, I say, here you go, boy.

[844] Here you go, young lad.

[845] Some glasses for you.

[846] That's your clothing line.

[847] You can do eyewear.

[848] I could do eyewear.

[849] You know, if I did, I have very, very long legs.

[850] So maybe I could specialize in people whose bodies are duster.

[851] disproportionate, meaning shorter torsos and then horrifically long legs.

[852] Like, I could specialize in a whole line of 39 -inch inseam legs, you know, and then brown leather jackets that look like they could, they would fit a toddler because they're for a smaller torso.

[853] That would be my clothing line, I think.

[854] Well, that and I think, because I think this color is right.

[855] I think that you have a lot of UV shirts and then hats, like big floppy hats.

[856] That mean like Johnny Carson has.

[857] suits, you could have UV shirts and floppy hats.

[858] Yeah, yeah.

[859] Yeah, slender man. Yeah, exactly.

[860] Johnny Carson had the most amazing, uh, slim cut suits that every man wanted and every woman wanted her man wearing them.

[861] And I can wear big hats that old women wear at the beach, big floppy hats and big formless blobby shirts.

[862] And, uh, maybe I could come out with a lot.

[863] line of dense zinc cream that you can pour all over your face.

[864] And you know those eyeglasses, those sunglasses that people wear who are really phobic about their eyes that wrap, they, like go over the other glasses?

[865] Yeah, they look like, they look like LeVar Burton on Star Trek.

[866] I would have those.

[867] I would have these, just this giant black windshields that you wear over your face.

[868] Does your clothing line have a name?

[869] Is it just Conan or what are we calling it?

[870] That's a good question.

[871] Any suggestions?

[872] Well, watch out, son.

[873] You're not going to get me. Is that too long?

[874] Watch out, son.

[875] You're not going to get me. I love that.

[876] We should probably just name it.

[877] It should give it like an old woman's name.

[878] You know, like Agnes Beatleman, you know?

[879] The Agnes Beatleman collection.

[880] And then people in the know, oh, that's Conan O 'Brien's line.

[881] Why is it called Agnes Beatleman?

[882] Well, you'll see.

[883] Put it on.

[884] Boy Scouts will help walk you across the school.

[885] street because you're going to look like a 98 year old woman.

[886] Yeah.

[887] So I'm sorry, sir, no clothing line from me, but thank you for your concern.

[888] And also for your passive -aggressive digs.

[889] I did notice those.

[890] And I'm coming for you, man. I'm coming for you.

[891] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[892] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[893] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf, theme song by the White Stripes.

[894] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[895] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[896] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[897] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[898] Got a question for Conan?

[899] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -3 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[900] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[901] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[902] This has been a Teen Coco production in association with Earwolf.