Roy Wood Jr.

[0] Hi, my name is Roy Wood Jr. And I feel thankful about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] Hello, Conan O 'Brien here.

[3] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[4] and I feel like I have two friends with me right now.

[5] Sonam of Sessian and I believe it's Matt, Matt Goreley.

[6] I think we're pals.

[7] We have a good flow.

[8] People like the way that we work together.

[9] That's weird that, yeah, people like our kind of relationship, even though I don't think we do.

[10] I don't think that's important.

[11] Yeah.

[12] The chef doesn't have to love what he's making, you know?

[13] He doesn't?

[14] He probably should, should make.

[15] Yeah, why would he make something he doesn't like?

[16] That doesn't make sense.

[17] What a terrible shot.

[18] What are we doing here?

[19] Here you go.

[20] Some more shit I make.

[21] What are you talking about?

[22] I think this is a lovely, a Claire.

[23] Oh, no. Shit.

[24] I hated it.

[25] Why do you hate it so much?

[26] Since childhood, struck by lightning, everything tastes like shit to me. Why did you become a chef?

[27] I heard I like the hat.

[28] It's fun to wear it It's called a toque All right Really you got into this All food that you ingest Taste like excrement to you Because you were struck by lightning As child So you serve it and I hate it Even watching you eat it makes me sick But you stayed in it because of the Tuk Why are you?

[29] you going over this again and again.

[30] We established everything.

[31] It seems like bad improv trick.

[32] Not at all.

[33] I'm just trying to say that you tasted things and they, hey, we've gone through it.

[34] Why do you repeat so much?

[35] Well, it turns out I was struck by lightning and, uh, as a child.

[36] And so I tend to overset things up.

[37] That's what I do.

[38] You and I could be friends, both struck by lightning.

[39] You set things up.

[40] Right.

[41] I tend to set things up.

[42] Right.

[43] I tend to set up now just to summarize you were hit by lightning oh i'm gonna fucking kill you and then it made you go over things too much when you're doing a podcast is that right uh man i don't know where that one started but i think we had a good time we had a good journey oh man we learned a lot i think about ourselves and about i learned you did you can do a french accent a german accent and an italian accent at the same time.

[44] And they all end up sounding Russian.

[45] But at least it wasn't Nixon.

[46] That guy was from Croatia.

[47] Oh, no. Okay.

[48] All right.

[49] Yeah.

[50] Yeah.

[51] So anyway, I just wanted to clear the air on that.

[52] You know, I just, why Croatia popped into my head.

[53] Huh.

[54] I took, you know, a Uber today to get here.

[55] And I, I'm a guy who talks to the driver.

[56] I always like to, I'm one of those people.

[57] I don't know where you guys fall in this.

[58] No, I choose no. conversation.

[59] Do you really do that?

[60] Yeah, I do.

[61] I just, I'm not good at small talk.

[62] I don't mean that to be antisocial, but I just, I want to sleep.

[63] Okay.

[64] And what about you?

[65] I do.

[66] I do both.

[67] So I'm either not talking at all or he's coming up into my apartment checking out the sofa I'm trying to get rid of.

[68] And that's a true story.

[69] That's a true story.

[70] Sona, you got to have boundaries.

[71] Yeah, you got boundaries.

[72] You're right.

[73] You're right.

[74] That's funny that you're either or I'm going to tell you this.

[75] I do not.

[76] I've seen the the little switch that says no that you can tap that says, no conversation.

[77] This is me, to be completely honest, I'm afraid that if I hit that, they're going to think, oh, I'm driving a stuck -up snob.

[78] Yeah.

[79] And so I will never hit that.

[80] And then I go too far the other way.

[81] Where they hit it on you.

[82] Trust me. I think some of these people would.

[83] Because I say, I mean, this guy today, I could tell he was from, you know, and I said, well, where are you from?

[84] And a lot of times, this actually works out nicely because there are many drivers who are Armenian.

[85] Then we chat and they know that I I've been to Armenia with you and we have like a really good conversation and they like that I know like three words and in English.

[86] In English.

[87] But then today the guy was from Croatia and we were just talking back and forth and I got his whole story like his whole life story.

[88] It was actually pretty fascinating.

[89] And so I got out of the car and I felt like oh good.

[90] I really I really got to know that guy.

[91] I hope he liked it too.

[92] You made a friend.

[93] He had no idea who I was.

[94] He was asking me what I do, and I just said, I just work in television.

[95] I think he thinks I'm a TV repair man. Maybe.

[96] Yeah.

[97] I fixed flat screens, but we had a, it was, it was really nice.

[98] I don't know.

[99] That's cool.

[100] You made a new friend.

[101] No, I don't, I think, I think that's it.

[102] Oh, I think that's it.

[103] Well, at least it was pleasant.

[104] Because I think you have to be, too.

[105] If you're not a pleasant person, that could, like, people, and if someone recognizes you, then.

[106] Well, this is something I, I'm very envious of are the people who have made their reputation.

[107] And we've, you know, like, like a Jack Nicholson or a Harrison Ford or like people who are, you know, these big stars, obviously, in this whole other caliber than anything I would ever be.

[108] But if you went up to them and said, hey, man, and they said, fuck off.

[109] You'd say, wow.

[110] Yeah.

[111] That's so cool.

[112] I'm not that person.

[113] If someone came up to me and I went, he's better fuck off.

[114] It's like, you're an asshole.

[115] Dancing around like an idiot on TV all those years.

[116] you act in all friendly, you're a sham.

[117] And then they would just start hitting me with a two by four.

[118] That's true.

[119] That's true.

[120] Yeah.

[121] I know.

[122] But that's, I don't, I mean, you can't be that guy.

[123] You can't be like a general listener or a Harrison board.

[124] No, no, no, no, I don't.

[125] I don't have that incredible.

[126] I'm not self -possessed like that.

[127] And I also, those are people that are larger than life.

[128] You see them on the screen and they're larger than life.

[129] I managed to be much smaller in life because people have seen me on small televisions.

[130] Well, and you need people to like.

[131] you.

[132] Yeah.

[133] You mean I, oh, like I need a friend?

[134] Yeah.

[135] Yeah.

[136] Oh, yeah.

[137] A little breakthrough here.

[138] Yeah.

[139] I think they could like punch someone in the face and people would be like, oh my God, he punched me in the face.

[140] And then with you, they'd sue you.

[141] Well, also, they'd have to feel it first.

[142] I'd say like, was that a cool breeze?

[143] I just gave you a chop to the jaw.

[144] I just, I just played a little chin music with my right hook.

[145] Oh, I didn't really Oh, so you struck me Yes, I did Oh, I thought a very old butterfly Had a stroke And then a cool wind blew it against my cheek But if you struck me I'm suing you now All right I'll pay up I don't think that would go too well But anyway Were you signaling me That I should get on with it?

[146] Yeah, okay It was awkward Because then I just looked at you And you didn't signal me I did I held up the rap sign I know but I didn't something in my peripheral vision, and this is a note to all my would -be attackers, I think I'm losing my peripheral vision.

[147] So, ninjas, time to get me. I saw a little flash.

[148] Oh, I saw, I saw a finger, a middle finger go up for, I think, for half a second.

[149] Oh, I was just itching my eye.

[150] Okay, well, again, peripheral vision is starting to go.

[151] You thought now that your peripheral vision's going away, now ninjas can attack you?

[152] As in before, when you had it?

[153] I think ninjas are going to be fine with a full frontal assault on you.

[154] Please, I think, first of all, I think there's a whole many, many, many different sections of the Assassin League that have been trying to get me for years.

[155] But they, I have legendary peripheral vision.

[156] So the ninjas have just been waiting around smoking cigarettes, playing mahjong, waiting.

[157] Ninjas don't smoke cigarettes.

[158] Yes, they do.

[159] Oh, they're such chain smokers.

[160] They cut out little holes in the ninja mask.

[161] They puff away.

[162] Well, now they do e -cigarettes.

[163] Those ones that smell like bubble gum.

[164] I'm like, do I smell bubble gum?

[165] Oh, look, ninjas, waiting for Conan to lose his peripheral vision and reading Us magazine.

[166] They broke up.

[167] They sure did.

[168] Oh, they seem like such a good couple.

[169] Hey, I just heard from an eye doctor that Conan's losing his peripheral vision.

[170] Everyone gets your throwing stars.

[171] It's time!

[172] All right, too much idiocy.

[173] My guest today is a hilarious comedian and correspondent on the Daily Show, starting September 15th, he'll be on his happy to be here live tour.

[174] Tickets are available at LiveNation .com.

[175] I'm just happy he's here.

[176] Roy Wood Jr. Welcome.

[177] And I know you like deflect compliments.

[178] You're like very good at like...

[179] I'm a ninja.

[180] Dodging flowers when they are thrown at you.

[181] I feel...

[182] And I started comedy 98.

[183] I feel like your program did more for the growth of stand -up comedy.

[184] as a genre.

[185] I would argue you and the Bob and Tom program in terms of the volume of new stand -up comedians that they exposed to the world.

[186] Maybe Comic View, but that was only two or three years.

[187] But there was a stretch in my career where you were the only show that would work me. And me and J .P. Buck, who was your talent, your stand -up booker.

[188] And I met J .P. years earlier on Star Search.

[189] The Star Search reboot with Arsenio.

[190] and like 02 or something.

[191] That single credit, that was the only four and a half minutes I was on television every year for four years was your show.

[192] And that single credit would get me another year in the college market, which got me enough money to stay in L .A. another year.

[193] Because the colleges were paying the bills.

[194] The road money was negligible.

[195] Because at this point I moved to L .A. I was making like, I don't know, $1 ,200 a week minus commissions, minus airfare.

[196] Right.

[197] So it's just a break -even damn near, but that show, man. Well, you know, it's not, I've got to tell you something, though.

[198] It's interesting.

[199] First of all, I'll take that because that's, and I'm very appreciative that we were able to have so much comedy on.

[200] But I'll tell you this, and this is true, I wasn't doing you any favors because you are always funny.

[201] You're always funny, and you're so good.

[202] So when I could say, okay, I got an hour, we got an hour of show to do tonight.

[203] but there's six minutes or seven minutes at the end that Roy's going to take over and it's going to be really good.

[204] You're doing me a favor, you know?

[205] So it works both ways.

[206] It's one of those things where it's just a two -way street.

[207] So you always made, brought a lot of professionalism and really funny stuff to my show.

[208] And I wanted to start by we've had, I wanted to start today by saying that I saw your performance on the White House course, month's dinner.

[209] And I thought you were fantastic.

[210] I thought you were absolutely fantastic.

[211] And I've done that venue.

[212] I've played that thing twice once under Clinton.

[213] But the hardest one was following Obama, which, and Obama, he had, I mean, it was almost like he was hosting the Daily Show.

[214] He had audio visual.

[215] He had, you know, they had all this stuff.

[216] He had all these writers working on it.

[217] He had, I mean, it was perfectly.

[218] produced.

[219] I think he spent more time on that White House correspondence dinner than he did.

[220] I bet the economy tanked the week that he did the correspondence center.

[221] And he just, you know, and so my experience was, and I'm sure it's, maybe it's the same, but you sit with the first lady.

[222] Is that, was that your experience?

[223] Sit right next to Joe Biden.

[224] Yeah.

[225] And my experience was, I'm sitting next to Michelle Obama and Obama's up there and he's killing and I know I'm supposed to follow him.

[226] And I've got all these jokes, which I think are pretty good.

[227] I've worked hard.

[228] on it he's they don't let you know what what the president's going to do and the president gets to go first so you're there with all these jokes you've been working on for six months and they're saying Obama's up there and he'll he'll do one that's kind of close to something that I was going to do yeah because it's all the same stuff in the news so I'm trying to flip through all my blue cards and take out the ones that he's touching to drop them yeah but at the same time Michelle Obama's talking to me and she's saying so your children are how old now Conan and at one point and it's so funny because she's the greatest.

[229] She's such a lovely.

[230] I've friendly with her.

[231] She's such a lovely person.

[232] She's the star in every room.

[233] She's beautiful.

[234] She's really funny.

[235] But in this one moment, I'm thinking, would you please leave me alone?

[236] I've got to figure out if he's doing my debt ceiling joke or not.

[237] I can't remember who it was next to Trevor Noah last year when Trevor did the correspondent's dinner.

[238] But Trevor came up there and was like straight laser focused on his set and whoever it was on one side of Trevor somebody was like well why aren't you talking to trevor why didn't you talk to Trevor they were like he was focusing on his stuff yeah didn't have time to chit -chat is the way not to do comedy is to make the comedian sit out in front of the audience for an hour and a half and then watch someone else go up and get the yeah like and and uh it's just it's so it's a crazy kind of show business but it's a fascinating experience I later got to talk on this program I got to talk to President Obama and I said you know it's so unfair because you were so I said you're so good and you've got all the best material and you are the most powerful person in the world and comedy is all about status and you get to go first and then with no ceremony the minute he's done they just go like let's do him a corner Brian no buffer no buffer nothing and he said yeah yeah yeah yeah I know.

[239] I know it's not fair, but I don't care.

[240] I thought that it's just so true.

[241] What does he care?

[242] And then Biden closes with this dark Brandon joke, which I guess is like his alter ego.

[243] Yeah, with the sunglasses.

[244] Yeah.

[245] And so then he's standing there while I'm being introduced.

[246] Still milking.

[247] Still milking the last.

[248] Yeah.

[249] Milking.

[250] Still playing the room.

[251] And now I have to walk past him to get to the incident.

[252] It's like, come on, man. You just rip.

[253] Just go.

[254] Leave.

[255] Just get the hell out of here.

[256] Why you?

[257] No, it's not, you know, it's funny.

[258] It's not, it's, it's not about the comedian on those nights.

[259] That's the other thing.

[260] Jill Biden's in my ear.

[261] I'm going over cards.

[262] And then my writers are texting, hey, man, Kelly Ann Conway's in the room.

[263] Hey, I'm on Twitter right now.

[264] Turns out Fauci did show up.

[265] If you have a Fauci joke, maybe you should add a Fauci joke.

[266] And then they're just ganging jokes in the WhatsApp thread.

[267] And I'm like, guys, everyone please shut the fuck up.

[268] I can't.

[269] Yes.

[270] Yeah.

[271] But thanks for that information.

[272] Bill Barr is here.

[273] Oh, okay, cool.

[274] Oh, Caitlin Jenner's here.

[275] Okay, cool.

[276] And it's a lot, but it's just trying to figure out at that point where to add a joke.

[277] I would say that's when the set for me was like, okay, these are the jokes.

[278] Yes.

[279] Fauci.

[280] All right, maybe.

[281] Then Biden goes up.

[282] Biden stepped on, I had a Rupert Murdoch, Fox News joke that I just threw out all together because Biden's was funnier.

[283] Yep.

[284] And I just, I could do mine, but it's not going to why even bother.

[285] And then his Tucker, Carlson and Don Lemon stuff hit so hard.

[286] that I reordered.

[287] I changed the bad in order to create more space between those two topics for me. I was doing the same thing.

[288] Like, this joke comes out.

[289] This joke comes out.

[290] Okay, Obama just hit that.

[291] This joke comes out.

[292] This joke's still okay, but it flips up here now because it's got to go earlier to sort of tag what he said.

[293] And you're doing all that while the most important woman in the country is chatting you up about, you know, what college do you think your daughter might be interested in?

[294] We talked about Alabama and the South and barbecue.

[295] And I was nervous in a weird way because, like my first inclination when I spoke with it was just to go, don't worry, you're safe.

[296] Yeah.

[297] Like, is this, are you just gaming me to find out what I want to say about you?

[298] Yeah, exactly.

[299] Because there's a lot of that shit, the week of, get DMs from people at particular news organizations.

[300] Hey, man, how you been?

[301] You ready for Saturday?

[302] I know what you're trying to do.

[303] You're trying to butter me up.

[304] Yeah.

[305] So I don't go after you.

[306] So, you know, she was, she was very nice, but we're not talking policy and how to solve immigration.

[307] Right.

[308] It's just, oh, Alabama barbecue tastes different from Carolina barbecue.

[309] Yes, you're right.

[310] It does.

[311] It's still such a weird event.

[312] And then how, for me, and I don't know if this was right, but I chose to also have a care of concern for how the outside world would consume my performance.

[313] Because everyone goes, oh, it's corporate, treated like a corporate gig for.

[314] an auto manufacturer company.

[315] You're just going to do your car jokes, car industry jokes, and they're going to like them.

[316] But I'm like, yeah, but there's people are going to watch this later, and I kind of want to have a joke that they kind of would relate to.

[317] So how do we balance the two?

[318] And so then it just became how to use pop culture.

[319] Yep.

[320] In there as kind of the glue.

[321] Like for as long as you hear a word of a thing that you recognize and you're familiar with.

[322] Yeah.

[323] Like the joke at the top about the Fox News, I'm not going to do any jokes about dementia.

[324] Dominion, because Dominion will come after you.

[325] Matter of fact, Dominion is my favorite voting machine.

[326] If you want the truth, have Dominion in the booth.

[327] Such a great joke, yeah.

[328] So then the tag was, if there's people, the original joke was, if there's two people you don't want to see in court, it's Dominion and Cardi B. Yeah.

[329] Either you know the Cardi B, 4 million defamation suit story, or you don't.

[330] Yeah.

[331] Then one of my writers, I got to give credit to Lily, Lily Bumpkin, she's over at the Daily show.

[332] Lily goes, also Gwyneth Paltrow.

[333] Yes.

[334] And I go, ah, I just, I don't swim in that world.

[335] But guess what?

[336] Which is smart and credit to your writer and you for seeing that or resonating with you is, okay, now you've let everybody into the tent.

[337] Because if you don't know Cardi B, you definitely know, that means you were definitely following Gwyneth's trial and saying, you know, and so, I mean, that's, that brings up.

[338] One tag informs you about the tag you don't understand.

[339] Yeah.

[340] You were hitting both sides, which doesn't always happen, you know what I mean?

[341] And I thought, so yeah, you can get up there and you can go after Tucker Carlson, but you also had plenty of stuff on Don Lemon, and it was pretty clear that you were not playing favorites with the right or the left, which I think is really important right now.

[342] The debate, the biggest debate within assembling the whole set was, when do we hit Biden?

[343] do you hit them before or after truck to set up the whole idea of oh no I'm going to go at the liberals too sure but if you go at Biden too soon you lose the whole room yeah because you haven't earned their trust with any joke it's like so what do you do yeah so we just we we stacked the set with what I like to call soft targets first that I feel like everybody in the room would be okay with so Fox News Tucker Santos Don Lemon right and then Trump a little bit, but not too much Trump as to not make you think that this whole thing is about Trump, then you go into everybody else.

[344] You had this great joke about, you know, France is burning to the ground because people do not want to work an extra two years.

[345] They want to retire at 62, not 64.

[346] And they're literally burning Paris.

[347] And he said, we have a guy here who's 81 or 80 and is begging us.

[348] to get to work for four more years.

[349] And to me, that was, I mean, I was laughing really hard, but it's also so fun to see Biden has to laugh, you know, and it's also a really funny joke.

[350] It's a really funny joke that you can relate to.

[351] And it's not, but I thought what was really smart is the first thing you do when you got up to the podium because you got to get them early, first thing you do when you got up to the podium, you said, oh, I think you left some documents up here.

[352] First joke.

[353] And it's just silly.

[354] It's so silly that he accidentally left some, top secret documents at the podium.

[355] And they cut to him and he laughs.

[356] And it's like, you know, that's, to me, that's great because you broke the ice.

[357] And it's also, it's such a silly joke.

[358] Like, you know what I mean?

[359] It's silly that he gets up on the podium and leaves some top secret documents.

[360] I was, I was howling at that.

[361] It was great to have right away.

[362] But that was horrific because I can't, that was a bit I couldn't run into comedy clubs.

[363] I mean, you know me. I'm going to try and get all word perfect.

[364] Yep, yep.

[365] Which you can't do.

[366] You can try, but it's not possible.

[367] So I knew where the tent pole laughs were.

[368] Yeah, yeah.

[369] I knew where the support beams were.

[370] But all that stuff in between, I didn't know if the document.

[371] That document joke doesn't work.

[372] I'm screwed.

[373] I think I read somewhere that once you used to talk to your hamster.

[374] Yeah, yeah, yeah, getting pig.

[375] Yeah, Joel.

[376] Go into the room.

[377] Full -blown conversation.

[378] Like, hey, I disagree.

[379] Yeah, you're actually getting into it.

[380] Yeah, not like just you only understand me. Like, yeah, so what do you think?

[381] Oh, really?

[382] Okay, well, maybe I'll do that.

[383] Today they would medicate you.

[384] That's the problem.

[385] Not realizing that that was the medication because that was the outlet.

[386] I went outside.

[387] I stayed out of trouble for the most part in the neighborhood.

[388] My mom got me a really nice basketball goal.

[389] There was a park up the street.

[390] I grew up on the west side.

[391] And there was a park on Pearson Avenue called Pouterly Park.

[392] And that was the free public park with the courts.

[393] What did me drinking and fighting?

[394] And there was always something going on.

[395] So my mom to keep me from going to Powderley all the time, she got me in the Boys Club, and then she also put a basketball goal in my yard.

[396] The way our yard was set up, we had really high trees.

[397] So we had the only shaded driveway in peak 1 p .m. Alabama heat.

[398] So everybody would come from Powderley.

[399] Why playing direct sunlight when you go play at Roy Woods House?

[400] And so people would just come to, and it was out of respect.

[401] It's very smart of your mom to do that because they say when you become a parent, And then your kids, as mine are teenagers, everyone says you want your house to be the base.

[402] You want people coming over to your house because it's safer.

[403] Yeah.

[404] And all you have to do is my mom is just listen for the dribble of the ball.

[405] So you know I'm out there.

[406] Yeah.

[407] And so that became a way that I met everybody in the neighborhood.

[408] And out of respect to my father, my parents, all the riffraff that happened in powder.

[409] We never happened at our house.

[410] Just on some, you know, just on some respect your elders type of shit.

[411] Yeah.

[412] I want to make sure I educate anyone who's listening that you mentioned your father, your father, Roy Wood Senior, was a radio broadcasting journalism pioneer and also in the trenches of the civil rights movement in the 60s.

[413] And you've said he was, if there's any march with Dr. King in it, your dad was a good chance.

[414] Three rows back.

[415] He's probably three rows back.

[416] And people in the neighborhood then knew that, obviously, that respect probably emanated out from your father and your mother.

[417] A thousand percent.

[418] Gave you some sense of protection.

[419] My father was the voice in the car when their parents took them to school, doing the news on the black radio station.

[420] So you can listen to all the black music you want in the morning, but when they stopped for that news break on the fives, that's my pops.

[421] Yeah.

[422] So that got me a lot of equity within the city.

[423] But I wouldn't say that I was even remotely like on some funny sense of humor shit until high school.

[424] And even then, it was only baseball, because that was where you could be silly because it's sports.

[425] It's a permission, especially in high school.

[426] it's a sports is permission to behave in ways you're not allowed to at school so you tell all the crash jokes you make fun of each other like and then we would just as a bench warmer in high school your job is to heckle the other team yeah just heckled them into oblivion I was good because that's all I had to do so there were days where I would literally sit and write heckles in class to get ready for your game to get ready for the game like and just that's great brutal shit bro like stuff you couldn't even places you couldn't even go with humor now but just brutal and just yelling it across the diamond at a total stranger and seeing the look of frustration in their face like i know i'm getting to you and then to the point where if you got the if you got the parents to chuckle like that was an applause break if you got the umpire to call time out because the umpire had to laugh that's a standing ovation And that was the goal.

[427] The goal, every game was to break the empire.

[428] But not realizing that that was essentially just honing improv chops.

[429] Sure, yeah.

[430] And just working on crowd work.

[431] It's a crowd work.

[432] Well, all this stuff, everyone has their own versions about it, versions of it, but I know what you're talking about, which is, you know, I come from a big family, so we all sit around this round table that's still at my parents' house.

[433] I know exactly where I sat and I know that that's where I tried to get the whole table laughing.

[434] I was in JROTC in high school and when we would have to do drill some mornings and we would start with running.

[435] They had like this quadruple tennis court.

[436] So we'd have to do laps around the whole perimeter of this tennis court.

[437] And as we're jogging, I'm calling the jog like a Kentucky Derby.

[438] And they're getting to turn two, turn two and they're pulling even.

[439] It's Roy next to Monica.

[440] Monica coming up on the outside, coming up on the inside of Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major's coming in.

[441] And you're supposed to be controlling your breath because you're running and you're doing this bullshit.

[442] It doesn't matter.

[443] Woods falling short, woods falling short, but as they get into that back stretch.

[444] That was who I was.

[445] So we're laughing as we're running around the space.

[446] And that's when you start learning about comedy as this tool of manipulation.

[447] It's literally, I bet you I can make you detour from whatever your mental objectives are right now by doing something it's like tickling with your mouth yes yes yes you know I'm curious your father this very revered figure I think he passed away when you were pretty young yeah 16 years old would he have what would he think of your career as a stand -up would he approve of that of of that move?

[448] I don't think so.

[449] He would approve now based on the material that I'm doing now.

[450] Right.

[451] But you also have to remember my father like saw every horrible thing that you could name because he just had to cover it in the name of journalism.

[452] Yeah.

[453] Like foreign war reporting.

[454] So he saw like African Civil Wars which are way worse in terms of body counts and heinousness because a lot of that goes underreported, right?

[455] So he seems stuff.

[456] So nothing's funny to him.

[457] And so case and point, when he worked at WVON in Chicago, my father was the first news director at this black -owned black news station.

[458] We are a news station that only does black news.

[459] Like if, like if the end and NPR stood.

[460] Say it.

[461] So they were dedicated to the black experience and uplifting black people.

[462] My father hires a guy named Don Cornelius to be a DJ.

[463] Don Cornelius was a police officer in Chicago.

[464] He put my father over and gave him a ticket.

[465] I didn't know that.

[466] Yeah.

[467] That's where Don's, Don Cornelius's origin story, he was a member of law enforcement for about a year, maybe less than two for sure.

[468] Pulls my dad over.

[469] In the course of giving my father a ticket, my dad just goes, you have a nice voice.

[470] Here's my card.

[471] quit doing this shit, come by the radio station.

[472] So Don Cornelius starts in radio under my father as a reporter at WV -O -N.

[473] And during that time, as Don's understanding the media grows, he comes up with the idea for Soul Train.

[474] It comes to my dad.

[475] My dad was one of the initial investors and gave Don some of the money that he used ultimately for the first pilot for Soul Train.

[476] And then when it came time to get my dad his money back, Don Cornelius goes to my father.

[477] I was like, hey, man, instead of me paying you back, Why don't you just stay on board?

[478] You know, I wouldn't, you know, this is, I just want you to be a part of this.

[479] To which my dad told Don Cornelius, and I quote, motherfucker, nobody wants to watch niggas dance for an hour.

[480] Give me my fucking money.

[481] So my dad just was not with party culture.

[482] Yeah.

[483] He was not with fun.

[484] He just couldn't see it.

[485] Also, I mean, yeah, and it's hard to blame him because of everything he saw and being in the trenches of the civil rights movement like that.

[486] And then some dudes just going, What if we dance all day?

[487] People have giant afros.

[488] Yes.

[489] He couldn't see it.

[490] He couldn't see it.

[491] That that celebration of blackness creates the black pride that helps to drive people to want more for themselves for their community.

[492] He couldn't see it.

[493] When I was in middle school, I was in a dunk tank for our soccer team to raise money for jerseys.

[494] And my dad came into the dunk tank and cussed me out and told me to get out the duct tank in front of everybody.

[495] Like, get out of there.

[496] You nobody's fool.

[497] You ain't going to be nobody's fool.

[498] Oh, this joking and shucking.

[499] Get that lesson.

[500] I'm like, it's a dunk tank.

[501] We're raising money.

[502] It's just, I'm just going to get splashed in some water.

[503] Yeah, we're raising money, so we have decent uniforms.

[504] Because when you're a black middle school, you're only playing whites.

[505] This is soccer in 88.

[506] There's not a lot of black schools playing soccer.

[507] So we're playing all of the, our uniforms, bro.

[508] Ping, we at Ping.

[509] We borrowed jerseys from the partners in neighborhood growth, which was like the police athletic league at the time in Birmingham.

[510] So you have a community league that has jerseys.

[511] We're barring their jerseys.

[512] That's how poor our school was.

[513] And then my dad is like, nah, get your ass about it out.

[514] And it was very embarrassing.

[515] And I just remember after that, I just never tried to be funny around him again.

[516] Because just you're not with jokes, bro.

[517] He was a lot of things.

[518] He was not hilarious.

[519] You know, for the longest time, because I talked to so many people, that is not your trajectory.

[520] You were serious.

[521] about being a journalist.

[522] Yeah, dude, I was...

[523] You were a serious, serious young man. I wanted to do sports, though.

[524] Let me add that caveat.

[525] I knew that I did not carry my dad's intensity.

[526] Right.

[527] And mind you, the year before he died, when I was 15, I got my learners permit.

[528] So I got to drive him to all of his speaking engagement.

[529] So I just sat and just watched him just go on stage and just spit fire for like a year and a half, just churches and community stuff.

[530] and anything within three hours of Birmingham, I was the driver.

[531] And, hey, boy, get off that Nintendo.

[532] Come take me to Tupelo.

[533] Wow.

[534] Okay.

[535] Yeah.

[536] And I would just sit and just watch him just destroy it with just words, but I knew I couldn't do that.

[537] It wasn't until Kenny Maine, there's four people.

[538] It's Stuart Scott.

[539] It's Kenny Mane.

[540] It's Jenny Most from CNN.

[541] And this guy, Van Earl Wright, who at the time was at CNN, headline news.

[542] I think he bounced around to a couple of sports organizations.

[543] But those four people were kind of like the brain trust.

[544] And then an honorable mention to Fred Hickman, RIP, but like those people within journalism were fun and quirky.

[545] Jenny Moose did offbeat stories.

[546] She didn't really do sports.

[547] Right.

[548] But it was quirky, weird shit.

[549] I was like, all right, that's interesting.

[550] Stewart talks like me. Van R. All right will do that sports.

[551] And that was the era.

[552] That was the era of when the headline news was a 30 minute repeating broadcast and the sports section was 90 seconds and they had a guy and it's crazy to think about this now but there was a guy at a time people where in 90 seconds he had to give you the score of every game of the Big Four sports in this country.

[553] Yeah yeah ape shit like talking speed and some bone thugs in harmony but he enunciated every word he added humor sure you know Jay's down the raise like no time for the score of the game, just who won.

[554] Gangies fall to the clippers, Clippers, speaking of the lakes, the Lakers, Minneapolis, it's crazy to think we now have four ESPNs.

[555] That's the way the culture's changed.

[556] It used to be you've got 90 seconds to cover all of news.

[557] Because there was no ticker.

[558] Right, exactly.

[559] This idea of constant access to sports scores was fucking foreign in 1994.

[560] Yep.

[561] So you had to watch headline news.

[562] So I go to school and I'm like, okay, well, I'll just, I'll do journalism.

[563] This feels right.

[564] Ah, damn, it's the family business.

[565] Well, I didn't really plan on that because I really wanted, what I wanted to be was like a firefighter up until like my senior year of high school.

[566] And then Stuart Scott was the thing that like finally pushed me over the edge.

[567] So I get to school, I start doing journalism classes.

[568] Part of the prerequisites for journalism classes are theater classes for voice indiction.

[569] Oh, public speaking.

[570] You have to take a public speech.

[571] speaking class as well.

[572] Within the public speaking class, you had to take, you had to take impromptu speaking.

[573] That was like a month of coursework was impromptu speaking.

[574] During that month of impromptu speaking, the teacher would give you a subject.

[575] You go out in a hall for 90 seconds or three minutes, whatever she gave you.

[576] And you come back in and give a speech on that topic as if you were an expert.

[577] So it was like improvised TED talks.

[578] Every time I did it, I got to laugh.

[579] Yeah.

[580] Because I didn't know what I was doing.

[581] And it was clear I didn't know what I was doing to the point where the teacher accused me of trying to, you know, you're making fun of this.

[582] I'm like, I'm not.

[583] I don't know why they laugh.

[584] They just laugh.

[585] But I also knew that I liked the fact that they laughed.

[586] Yeah.

[587] So I would come back in and that was the manipulation again.

[588] That training is also improv training in a way.

[589] It's the same thing, which is go up there with nothing, but with great confidence make something.

[590] Yeah.

[591] And so that was the first hit of true performance.

[592] It's dope, as I like to call it.

[593] Right.

[594] We also had to take a creative writing course, and there were like a couple different options, like essay writing or whatever reason.

[595] I chose screenwriting.

[596] So this is all part of journalism, prequisite, whatever.

[597] Knowing what I know now, oh, you're teaching me how to create a documentary or write out a story doc.

[598] Right.

[599] You know, before you write a script, you must think about where you're going.

[600] What story are you trying to tell?

[601] So the script writing class was very pivotal too.

[602] and like the entertainment juices starting to flow.

[603] And so I had always been curious about stand -up comedy.

[604] I went and watched it a couple times.

[605] I went to Florida A &M, but Florida State had comedy more frequently.

[606] And so I would go over to Florida State and watch their stand -up shows once a week or whatever just to see who was in.

[607] Bobby Lee was there.

[608] Like just guys that are just Titans now, but at the time were just on the rise.

[609] like a lot of a lot of the mad TV folks some SNL um and so at the same time me and my buddies we're stealing jeans from the mall like that's my that's just my thing i wanted to look nice it was not some big because you know what's fucked up about getting arrested in this country is that the police automatically assume you to be doing more than what they caught you for like the i like the concept of petty crime does not exist in our society's psyche anymore.

[610] It can't just be a kid being a kid.

[611] It's just, oh, no, what were you up to?

[612] What else are you doing?

[613] Are you dealing with Al -Qaeda?

[614] It's like, I'm sorry, Yeah, credit card fraud ring that's tied to Al -Qaeda, and Al -Qaeda has been using credit cards to purchase it.

[615] Hey, man, I took a credit card that wasn't mine.

[616] I bought some jeans to impress a girl that lives up the street from campus.

[617] That's what I did.

[618] Okay?

[619] That's all it was.

[620] So, So this idea of going to prison or thinking or assuming I was going to prison, that was enough for me to go, well, let me try comedy.

[621] But then, but here's the upside though.

[622] I got suspended from school for like almost a year.

[623] For what?

[624] Because you can't be enrolled and commit felonies.

[625] They're like, you need to go somewhere and sit your ass down because I'm working in the campus post office at the time.

[626] And so that's where we're getting the credit cards from.

[627] So if you commit the crime, you took the credit card.

[628] from campus so therefore that is the crime that we are going to suspend you on right even if the even if the feds go we're just going to hit you for credit card as the actual charge you still did this act on campus yeah and that is duplicitous is that is not reflective of a rat la get the fuck off the campus so i'm suspended but then i get my financial aid check i still whatever god bless the federal student loan inefficiency and knowing what i know now that they just sent me the money so that they could keep hitting my ass with the interest.

[629] But I had a check for $8 ,000 and nowhere and nothing to do for like five months.

[630] All right, let's go do some open mics.

[631] And so that money became the front money for the beginning of me doing open mics around the South.

[632] Just like riding the bus, you know, for the most part I was sleeping the bus day.

[633] I hoarded the money because I didn't know what I would get it, you know, get me more.

[634] But I paid rent off of Golden Corral and the financial aid money.

[635] That was the money I used to start my money.

[636] comedy career and then I get back in school and just fucking deans list the rest of the because at this point my mom my mom found out like no one knows that I'm doing this shit I know my mom's not going to approve because you know hey I almost went to jail but uh I got it figured out Joyce I'm gonna just sleep in bus stations and stand -up will be my way out trust me everything's fine college administrator of 40 years this is a solid plan one of her students saw me sleeping in the bus station and snitched on me and that's how my mom found out I was doing comedy at this point I was almost a year into it and she asked me to stop and I refused and I said well how about this if I make good grades because my grades were shaky up into that point like I was like a two three two four student I go how about this if I make good grades while I do comedy you have to shut the fuck up like not like that but like that was the basic deal.

[637] Right.

[638] If I made good grades, you have no say on anything else that happens in Florida.

[639] And she goes, cool.

[640] And then I made Dean's List.

[641] And then she bought me a car so that I wouldn't sleep in a bus station.

[642] When did she come see your comedy for the first time?

[643] Year three, year two.

[644] Did she like it?

[645] No, I bombed.

[646] It was a coffee shop gig.

[647] It was like one of those rare bomb, like a local bomb.

[648] A coffee machine was still going on.

[649] Like she didn't see me at the Ramada Inn where I normally do well.

[650] She saw them.

[651] Like she came and saw an open mic because she was in town for some other shit.

[652] Yeah.

[653] And I bombed.

[654] And that was her image of me doing comedy for like the next like fucking three, four years.

[655] And then when I graduated and I moved back to Birmingham and I started performing at the Star Dome, which is like the big time club, there still is.

[656] And the Star Dome, again, her students and her coworkers would see me and they would go to her and go, we saw your son.

[657] Your son is funny.

[658] And enough of that.

[659] And then my mom was like, Okay, well, let me go investigate this stuff.

[660] To those of you listening who haven't seen Roy's set on the White House Correspondents Center, I thought a moment that gave me chills is you're very funny, you've got really good jokes, you're in control, and then at the end you take a minute and you talk about why are we all here, this is to raise money and donations for young correspondents.

[661] This is to try and help get responsible young journalists out there and give them a start, you talk about the lack of support for local news and how important local news is, you give a shout out to your mom, who's, they put a camera on her, and you can tell that this is an amazing full circle.

[662] I got all these chills, you know, now, I also may have been ill. I have a, I may have had an infection.

[663] And then I got really sick.

[664] No, I did.

[665] You have the fish or the steak?

[666] I had both.

[667] No, full circle for sure.

[668] My mom lives a life of, you know, she's just in the shadow.

[669] She helps people.

[670] Like, I would argue, it's not even an argument.

[671] My mom has done more for people in the city of Birmingham than I could ever do.

[672] Just from the countless students that she's helped get across the graduation stage and into their careers who are now prospering within the city.

[673] It's interesting in that I can be in public and I can have people come up and go, I love the daily show.

[674] But when I'm in Birmingham, it's people coming up and telling me stories about my mom.

[675] Man, let me tell you, man, your mama made sure that I and I got pregnant and my mama made, your mama made sure I didn't drop out.

[676] So she doesn't hear those stories.

[677] She didn't get told thank you enough, in my opinion, for just everything that she's ever done.

[678] Not just for me, but just for, this is thank you for everything.

[679] Just a whole life thing.

[680] Let me just knock that out real fast.

[681] Yeah, that was a really nice moment and, as I said, resonated with me and was very, very powerful.

[682] Incredible.

[683] You mentioned The Daily Show.

[684] Got to ask, how do you like that gig?

[685] I like it.

[686] I think late night's changing.

[687] I don't know what, though.

[688] Yeah.

[689] So I said thinking that's a little uneasy.

[690] It's been very fun.

[691] You know, Trevor's departure was definitely not a shock him leaving was not a shock to me when was more of the shock and how you know like that but because I don't even think anybody knew no one knew not a soul and he just said it on the show and then we went to a commercial break it's like what have you asked him about that thought process that went behind that or is that a mystery I think a lot of it was just boiled down to I just didn't want anybody to talk me out of it Because when you're doing something that monumental, everybody's going to have an opinion.

[692] And that's just him taking control over his own life and decisions.

[693] So I respect it.

[694] I enjoy it.

[695] I've had a lot of fun on The Daily Show.

[696] The question becomes, what is late night changing into?

[697] Because our job is to parody the news, but if the way people get their news is changing, then the vehicles and how we parody have to match the evolution of how news is consumed.

[698] But how news is being consumed, that's the question that has to be explored and looked at.

[699] How do you parody Marjorie Taylor Green?

[700] How do you parody what's really happening?

[701] Because what's really happening, Santos and back in the day when I was getting started writing comedy in college, you know, I was part of this lampoon organization that would do like a parody of Time magazine, a parody of Newsweek.

[702] And you can parody something that's got a straight line.

[703] You can parody something that's very stiff and formal.

[704] everybody understands and then so a parody of it is kind of delightful but we always knew you can't parody the national inquirer i think saturnat live struggles with that i think everybody struggles with it yeah i do think that there is a way to fish in a different pond from the traditional people who we get the opinions from yep yep so i think that's part of the evolution you know when you look at ticot and instagram what's interesting and what and a lot of this is from the show a lot of people who were former consumers of information now purport themselves to be distributors of information and we regular Joe Blow people accept them as aggregators as well this guy Tim said it so let me see what Tim has to say he's got a good camera and that's a nice lens I trust Tim now he's got a good beanbag chair behind him I follow him on YouTube now So there are more people putting information out there as well.

[705] And I think to a degree, you know, as a society, as a country, at least, we've become okay with not caring who we get our news from or the accuracy of it.

[706] And I think that the parody lies in that.

[707] I think the parody lies not necessarily in what the news of the day is, but the delivery method of it.

[708] you know and as we would you know people go to bed like let's just be real about the ladings the ratings of linear television as a whole yeah not even late night everything's going down so if ratings are going down part of it is because people are laying in bed looking at tim and his bean bag and his LED light because that's just as good and entertaining for them as what's nice and polished on a shiny floor studio yeah i i i will tell you this uh i'm i'm i'm old -timer and I came up in late night at a time when late -night shows there weren't that many but because of the way TV was structured these shows made money hand over fist and that's why shows had an orchestra they had a big band they had you know money but that is not the way it is anymore and so you will see the effects the effects will be maybe some of these late -night shows you know as hosts retire or leave will be replaced with something else maybe that time will go back to the affiliates.

[709] Everyone's speculating, but who knows what's going to happen.

[710] I do have to say this, because I know you're a busy man, I want to let you go, but I do sincerely feel really good that you're out there.

[711] You're a really good man. You're very thoughtful and crazily talented, and I'm glad you're out there and you're thinking about this because I think it makes me feel better about the whole world of comedy.

[712] I'm serious.

[713] I'm being honest with you.

[714] makes me always have been very impressed with you.

[715] And I'm just, the more you do, the more just crazily impressed I am.

[716] So go forth, continue doing great work.

[717] And I know that we're in good hands.

[718] Like when I meet people much younger than me who are, you know, ethical and wise and creative, I feel better.

[719] I sleep better at night.

[720] So thank you.

[721] Seriously.

[722] Thank you.

[723] Thank you, brother.

[724] Yeah.

[725] Appreciate you for having me. Well, I appreciate you.

[726] Now, please get out.

[727] I wanted it to end with me throwing you out Get out I said get out Recently I was in New York City and I was walking down the street and a gentleman came out of his establishment The establishment is EJ's luncheonette And this guy, Jay came out Jay Elmore I believe We started chatting He offered up that he would make sandwiches That are named after The three of us because he's a regular podcast listener.

[728] I thought that was very nice.

[729] So, uh, we came up with some ideas for sandwiches.

[730] I guess they're selling them at EJ's luncheonette.

[731] I'd like to know what's going on.

[732] Do you know, do you have an update here?

[733] That's right.

[734] I've been talking a little bit with Jay, who seems like a wonderful person.

[735] Uh, Sona, you had a euro.

[736] Uh, you had a corn beef kind of thing.

[737] Yeah.

[738] And I had a, a matty melt on Hawaiian bread was what it was called.

[739] Yeah.

[740] And then, um, he gave me an update on this.

[741] Okay.

[742] And also he put the chill.

[743] old chum cocktail on there remember that from uh this is a good fan we have he really knows his stuff uh he said just wanted to thank you for everything i hope you all enjoy having your own sandwich it was an honor and a pleasure to do them should we add the cocktail blah blah blah blah and then just a fun frack for you the mattie melt almost doubled the amount sold of conan and sona sandwich on the first day things have leveled out since with conan sandwich and sonas euro thanks again for everything truly super cool of you guys to do you've made my day's slash week, slash month, slash year.

[744] That's very sweet.

[745] That's nice.

[746] Wait a minute.

[747] First of all, what he's saying is that initially your sandwich took off and ours did not.

[748] I mean, ours probably did fine, but yours went through the roof.

[749] Yours again, what's in it?

[750] It's Hawaiian bread.

[751] And then it's a patty mill essentially.

[752] Yeah.

[753] Okay.

[754] And mine was, I believe, your classic corn beef Russian dressing.

[755] Mm -hmm.

[756] I think it's on a bulky roll, possibly.

[757] I don't know.

[758] I mean, that's a great sandwich.

[759] And then yours is a - Okay.

[760] What's a Euro again?

[761] A Euro is a, it's a, it's Greek and it's a pita sandwich with like donut, lamb donut and lettuce and Tziki.

[762] Great.

[763] And onions.

[764] Okay.

[765] So your sandwich was the initially the clear winner, but what I find curious is it then your sandwich was fast out of the gate, but now it feels like it's the mania for it has died down.

[766] No, I wouldn't say that.

[767] I would say that people wanted to give the other ones a shot.

[768] shot and then probably we're going to see a huge boost in the Maddie Meld again as they realized that was a mistake and again they go back to their true love or they tried it and it suck but why would they try it so much well initially it's not the same people buying it over and over it's not it's not i'm out there buying no first of all we all know that you hired people confederates agents to go in there and purchase your sandwich to uh to game the system i think there's a lot of people who aren't familiar with Hawaiian bread they thought it was exotic They probably thought it was a way to win a free trip to Hawaii.

[769] And so that probably skewed things a little bit.

[770] Then they came to their senses and said, man, corn beef, Russian dressing.

[771] That's a classic.

[772] There's no human that tastes Hawaiian bread that will ever go back.

[773] It's that good.

[774] What if I can find someone who's had a taste of Hawaiian bread and didn't like it?

[775] They don't exist.

[776] Isn't Hawaiian bread small?

[777] I think you can get it bigger.

[778] Can you?

[779] Yeah, normally they come in those little slider buns.

[780] So it's like a slider.

[781] So maybe you were selling so many Because people needed more In order to No, look at the size They satiate themselves Yes, they needed seven of your sandwiches To equal one of mine And that's why yours sold more per sandwich There's a big one piece Let me see Of Hawaiian bread, stop your bullshit dickery Also, who wants a big Hawaiian?

[782] I do Oh my God, I have to say Everyone everyone Oh wait a minute Wait a minute Sona of the three sandwiches Only one has an American flag sticking out of it.

[783] That's right.

[784] We covered this, remember?

[785] And it's goarly's.

[786] That's why you're out selling it because we're a patriotic people, Americans.

[787] You cheated.

[788] No. Because when you...

[789] To put that in.

[790] Remember the 48 stars?

[791] I know, but I fucked up.

[792] I'm admitting that I...

[793] This alters the experiment because the fact that your sandwich is flying an American flag and you're Gero.

[794] It's a Euro.

[795] I mean...

[796] Come on.

[797] You can pronounce.

[798] What's it gyro, like...

[799] Yeah, gyro, there you go.

[800] By the way, it's also Hawaiian bread.

[801] Yeah.

[802] And it is a corned beef.

[803] What?

[804] It is a corned beef.

[805] Anyway, this is what's happening.

[806] Your sandwich looks like it's pro -American.

[807] Our sandwiches are neutral, but if you're buying something at E .J.'s luncheonette, you assume that our sandwiches are anti -American because if...

[808] Well, maybe they are.

[809] If one person on the street's flying the American flag, And the other two houses on either side conspicuously are not.

[810] That means they're communist.

[811] Maybe or, yeah, are they're anarchists.

[812] Or anarchists or socialists.

[813] But there's a market for those people and our sandwiches are for those people.

[814] No, don't say that.

[815] If you hate America.

[816] Don't boo!

[817] Buy our sandwiches.

[818] That's absolutely right.

[819] No, we've got to give this out.

[820] You're a Nazi.

[821] Nazi?

[822] No, I think that I, that's not, is that even Hawaiian bread?

[823] Yes.

[824] I don't think.

[825] It is.

[826] No, it's regular bread wearing a little Hawaiian shirt.

[827] No. That's what it is.

[828] Here's what I think we should do.

[829] These are classic quips I'm giving, by the way.

[830] Jay, I want to reach out, Aaron, we got to make this happen.

[831] We need to gold belly these three sandwiches to us, which is a service where you can fly food across the country.

[832] I think, like it's in a little cooler like you would put a heart in a transplant.

[833] Wow, what a responsible carbon footprint.

[834] We're leaving.

[835] Sir, we'd like three sandwiches named after ourselves.

[836] flown in a jumbo jet.

[837] How does it work?

[838] Each with a first class seat.

[839] I mean, I don't want to say this, but we could just buy this stuff here and pretend.

[840] No, no. Spoken like a true communist.

[841] I'm the asshole.

[842] You guys want to get a whole cooler send here of sandwiches.

[843] Heretic, infidel.

[844] We're in show business.

[845] And people in show business have, I want a leg of lamb that was slaughtered on Staten Island flown to me immediately.

[846] That's the way people would It's just easier for all of you guys to fly to New York and try.

[847] You know what?

[848] Eduardo has a point.

[849] Or fly eat.

[850] Jay?

[851] Jay can come here and make these sandwiches here.

[852] Also, Jay, I want to update on what the sandwich selling rankings are.

[853] Like what's the most current tally and who's winning.

[854] And if you're in New York and you don't buy this Euro, you hate Greek people.

[855] But you're an anarchist.

[856] You're a socialist who hates Greek.

[857] people.

[858] Sure.

[859] And if you don't buy the patty melt, you get kicked out of the country, frankly.

[860] Yeah.

[861] Okay.

[862] So everyone's going to buy the fatty melt.

[863] Okay.

[864] Well, listen.

[865] Baby, really good.

[866] By the way, honor working with both of you.

[867] Truly greatest talents I've ever been associated with.

[868] All right.

[869] Well, there you've heard it.

[870] Go to E .J.'s luncheonette if you want to try our sandwiches.

[871] And I'm telling you, corn beef, Russian dressing.

[872] Why are we buying these sand?

[873] Why isn't he sending them to us?

[874] No, we want people to go to EJ's and buy these sandwiches.

[875] No, he's talking about having a service, send them to us.

[876] Like, Jay, send us these sandwiches.

[877] Yeah, what's the problem with that?

[878] With brotherhood from sea to shining sea.

[879] Strothia Krogi from this year, Lenin Gorbachev, They put Gorbachev's name in the earth.

[880] Stalin Brezhnevtu.

[881] Just a list.

[882] Feet soup with beef, fowju.

[883] Oh, God.

[884] All right.

[885] Well, anyway, we'll get these sandwiches somehow.

[886] We'll figure it out.

[887] And we'll do it in, I think, a way that's responsible.

[888] Yeah.

[889] Irresponsible.

[890] That's important.

[891] All right.

[892] We'll update you.

[893] God bless and good night.

[894] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[895] With Conan O 'Brien, so.

[896] of Sessian and Matt Goreley.

[897] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[898] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[899] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[900] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[901] Take it away, Jimmy.

[902] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[903] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[904] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[905] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[906] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[907] Got a question for Conan?

[908] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

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[910] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.