The Good Place Week: Ted Danson

[0] Hello and welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dax Shepard.

[2] Who are you?

[3] Dax Shepard.

[4] No, you're Manicapadman.

[5] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[6] Joined by Manicapadman.

[7] This one pained me a lot to hold.

[8] We held this a little bit so that it could be on the very special day one of the Good Place Week.

[9] Kick off the week.

[10] But it's such a tasty interview.

[11] It was driving me bonkers that we had to sit on it.

[12] We have, who is affectionately referred to in our home as Papa Ted.

[13] Mm -hmm.

[14] He's called Papa Ted.

[15] Because my kids call him Papa Ted.

[16] Because anyone over 50 in our house is a Papa or a Gaga.

[17] Right.

[18] And he's over 50.

[19] Yep.

[20] Spoiler alert.

[21] I'm almost a Gaga.

[22] You're getting there.

[23] His name is Ted Danzin.

[24] And he is just a big old sparkly beam of light.

[25] Delight.

[26] He's the nicest son of a gun.

[27] You know, you don't expect Sam Malone to be as cool in real life as he is.

[28] Because he doesn't have to be.

[29] Doesn't have to be at all.

[30] He is Sam fucking Malone.

[31] And if he wants to strutter on.

[32] town with his feathers splayed.

[33] People would deal with it.

[34] They go, what are you going to do?

[35] He's Sam Malone.

[36] Yeah.

[37] But he's the opposite of that, my friends.

[38] He's a beautiful, loving fellow member of the tall guy club.

[39] Ted Danson.

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[41] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[42] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[43] Welcome, Ted, to the armchair expert.

[44] And yes, hearing your voice in headphones through a microphone, to me, you went from actor to professor.

[45] Yes, thank you.

[46] Yes, like, gravitas comes to mind.

[47] Huge gravitas.

[48] And then I also want to say to you that your name among all other names, and it makes no sense, it gives me the most anxiety to say out loud.

[49] This is not a bit.

[50] I say Ted, that's easy.

[51] We can all say Ted.

[52] then Dan, fine.

[53] I can say Dan.

[54] Then when I get to son, I think, is it Sen or son?

[55] Dan, son.

[56] And I panic midway through your last name.

[57] And I talk about you a ton when you're not around.

[58] And so I bump up against this all the time.

[59] Is this?

[60] So it's not a matter of you haven't said my name for a month and you panic?

[61] No. It's that I could be saying it for the fourth time in a conversation.

[62] And still I go Ted Danson and then I am, is it?

[63] is it yeah you know you know i have trouble with my name as well oh you do good no i really do oh good the first office the two d's right in a row ed dancing you know and i would i would say hi this is ted dantson they go pat my my family accuses me uh rightfully so but this is an example of my pompous you know miss is that when I call somebody or say my name I hi this is Ted Danson right I my own name sounds really weird when I say it out loud as well especially like you know could you say it out loud for me yes yes just to a remark back shepherd but yes because I have a and then sh right so it's similar to yours is Ted Danzan yeah and mine's Dax S shepherd I literally wherever I go will load in the new names that I'm about to bump it.

[64] The names are the people I'm about to bump into.

[65] I loaded your names.

[66] Okay.

[67] Sorry, I didn't.

[68] He's referencing Rob.

[69] Our quiet genius who really runs everything.

[70] And you loaded them where?

[71] In my head.

[72] I would say them.

[73] Okay.

[74] That's, hey, Dax, good to see it.

[75] Yeah, that sounded good.

[76] Hey, Dax.

[77] I do that.

[78] Yes.

[79] My wife, Mary, always laughs and knows that I have no fucking idea who I'm talking to.

[80] when I give them a huge hug.

[81] Yes, yes.

[82] Clearly I know who you are.

[83] I wouldn't be hugging you.

[84] Right.

[85] What I want to start is we've had people on this podcast already going on and on and on about what a beautiful guy you are.

[86] This is the reputation you have, whether you are aware of it or not, almost unanimously, people who meet you go, man, he delivers in every conceivable way.

[87] You're so friendly and kind and thoughtful.

[88] But part of me goes, well, yeah, these are other people that are in his industry.

[89] We don't really know if he's a terrible person, but I am one of the few people who does know the real Ted.

[90] That's true.

[91] And I don't know if you remember me telling you this, but 1996, I'm a motorcycle messenger in California.

[92] I've just moved to Los Angeles.

[93] And I'm in Beverly Hills to pick up a package.

[94] I run upstairs.

[95] I come downstairs.

[96] I'm stuck at a crosswalk.

[97] There are a bunch of people that are very well dressed and they're kind of miserable.

[98] And then I look over and by God, you're.

[99] standing right next to me. And this is thrilling beyond comprehension.

[100] I'm fucking standing next to Ted Danson.

[101] And you look at me and you say out of the blue, boy, you'd think these people with all this money would be a little happier.

[102] This is the sentence you say to a stranger.

[103] That stranger was me. And then the light turned walk and we both crossed the thing.

[104] And I hopped on my motorcycle and I thought, boy, that's a very friendly, nice person.

[105] He is everything he portrays on TV.

[106] Dax.

[107] Yeah.

[108] Did that really happen?

[109] I swear to God on my children's life, that exchange happened in 1996.

[110] I presume you were coming out of an agency or something.

[111] We were like downtown Beverly Hills.

[112] I doubt you were shopping.

[113] No. No, I wasn't.

[114] I have trouble with Beverly Hills.

[115] Although they're wonderful shops and I probably have shot there.

[116] But yes.

[117] And I do believe in 96, that was the first time I saw your hair white or something.

[118] There's something else very memorable about your look in that moment where I was like, Oh, that's his real hair color or whatever.

[119] Now, you could go two ways on that story.

[120] Okay.

[121] That's kind of judgmental, pompous.

[122] I'm above them.

[123] Look at me. No, these people were, they looked miserable.

[124] They were wearing like thousands of dollars worth of shit and they looked very unhappy.

[125] I had noticed it independently of you.

[126] Yeah.

[127] And when I looked at you, you just had kind of a queer smile on your face and then you kind of called that out.

[128] Most of my smiles are queer.

[129] Okay.

[130] Good, good.

[131] That's part of your charm.

[132] But let me just ask you this.

[133] Of course you don't remember that.

[134] But does that sentence sound like something you would say?

[135] Some people say stuff to me and I go, that doesn't sound like something I'd say.

[136] But that is what you would say, right?

[137] Yeah, plus it's getting scary because I swore to myself that I wouldn't just do old jokes, old thoughts, old aches and pains today with you.

[138] But I have noticed that the older I get, we won't go old we'll say older i get yes that i uh the censor between an idle maybe even nonsensical thought and it flapping out loud to somebody on the corner of a street is you know yeah very thin there's it's just out of my mouth yeah i feel i also think i feel obligated to engage yeah it's like it's like i'm always on camera So I must, I should be filling the space now.

[139] Yes.

[140] There's a little lull in the traffic and the conversation and this man standing next to me. I probably, he might even know me or recognize me. I did.

[141] I'd better fill this space.

[142] With something charming, hey, you know, how about the, that traffic light?

[143] And then I'll, I'll walk away going, what an asshole I am.

[144] Shut up, shut up.

[145] Keep your mouth shut.

[146] Oh, no. It was, well, first and foremost, you could have said nothing to me because I, again, I was very fresh into LA.

[147] I don't think I had seen another celebrity in real life other than Jay Leno at a traffic light once, who also was nice.

[148] I bet you were really cool as a motorcycle messenger because I know how good you are on motorcycles.

[149] Suffice to say, I'm just grateful I'm here talking to you because the faster you rode, the more money you made.

[150] So those were two things I was obsessed with.

[151] And then there was also like there were many other motorcycle messengers.

[152] So often you'd be on the 405 heading north to the valley.

[153] Yeah.

[154] And there's, what, eight lanes of traffic in your lane splitting.

[155] And then out of the corner of your eye, you'd see another motorcycle messenger with the signature messenger backpack over his back.

[156] And then it would be a full -blown race on the 405 in heavy traffic.

[157] Because what else are you going?

[158] Wow.

[159] All you're doing all day long is zipping here and there.

[160] And were you helmeted by the one?

[161] I was.

[162] Yes, I was.

[163] So you may be able to do stunts and do crazy things, but you're, you're not silly.

[164] You wear padding.

[165] You wear leather.

[166] You wear all of that.

[167] I want to say, I would love to take that compliment.

[168] I do most often.

[169] Certainly if I'm going on a like canyon ride, I'll put leathers on and stuff.

[170] But if I'm in Wyoming and we're in the middle of nowhere and it's no helmet law, I will let that fucking wind cook through my hair and I'll just have to deal with.

[171] You're so cool.

[172] No. No, no, no. It's my wife does not enjoy it when we visit no helmet states.

[173] But you're from Flagstaff, Arizona, and you have a super interesting father.

[174] I do.

[175] Archaeologist, anthropologist.

[176] He was a professor, a Ph .D. down in Tucson where we lived until I was about seven or eight.

[177] And then he got a job to be the assistant director of the museum of Northern Arizona and the research center, which was in a small town way a big deal internationally.

[178] because you could go from 13 ,000 feet above timberline on the San Francisco peaks right there where Flagstaff is, all the way down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

[179] So you had the beginning of time pretty much geologically and all the paleontology and botany and all of that stuff at your fingertips.

[180] So our house was filled with visiting scientists from all over the world when I was growing up.

[181] How cool.

[182] Yeah, it was cool.

[183] there's a specific Native American group there that Hopi and but the museum was created to be to help nurture the arts and the crafts and the culture of the Hopi, the Navajo and the Zuni Pueblo Indians in that four corners area.

[184] So most of my friends growing up because their parents worked at the museum were either Hopi or Navajo and my other couple of friends were ranchers sons and daughters.

[185] Small town?

[186] Are you in flying staff?

[187] 30 ,000.

[188] But we were like four miles outside of town, which when you're young is, you know, forever.

[189] So literally I would be jumping on horses with my hopy friends and just literally going in any direction we wanted for hours.

[190] That sounds very idyllic to me. Was it wonderful?

[191] Wonderful until you're 15.

[192] In your horny.

[193] In your horny and you want a car.

[194] And your two hopy friends aren't going to put out.

[195] No. But as I recall, like a super peaceful tradition, right?

[196] Isn't there a lot of stuff?

[197] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[198] No, the Hopi, the Hopi, for example, never went to war with the United States.

[199] So they have never gotten moved.

[200] There's no treaty involving them.

[201] So they're a separate nation still to this day.

[202] They don't have to be, they can't be drafted.

[203] You know, they can enlist, but they can't be drafted because they are a separate.

[204] Sovereign.

[205] Yeah.

[206] And they are living in the same villages up on the Mases in Arizona that they had for 500 years.

[207] Oh, wow.

[208] Literally.

[209] So you can go see them worship their gods in the same way they have through the dances, you know, they weren't as brutally stripped of their.

[210] No, they weren't.

[211] They, they got messed with.

[212] They, you know, at a certain point, the government decided they had to all be educated and bust, you know, X amount of miles to a school.

[213] Right.

[214] there was that and there was no drinking on the reservation so everyone came to town there were a lot of problems that were hard for them to assimilate yeah anyway very cool very cool way to grow up yeah i would imagine you're getting like a pretty big dose of autonomy like that you're you're capable you can get on a horse and you can just get lost and find your way back aren't there there's things there that are building character, right?

[215] You're not like ushered out your door and do a backseat of a car and then take it to a preschool and then, you know what I'm saying?

[216] I guess.

[217] Yeah, when you think about it, I guess you're kind of on your own, right?

[218] You're trusted to just kind of.

[219] Until you get thrown into a totally different situation, which I was.

[220] But yes, in Arizona, I felt comfortable around, you know, cowboys, horses, emptiness alone, whatever.

[221] All of that was was very easy and comfortable for me. And did you idolize mom?

[222] or dad or neither or both.

[223] I idolize.

[224] Did you think your dad was the shit that he was as smart?

[225] He had all these professors.

[226] No, you know, my father kind of revealed himself more later in life so that I was, I didn't realize that he was running, you know, 500 people and people would come in and say, Mr. Danson, what do you think?

[227] And he had really great thoughts and was very decisive.

[228] Because at home, it was, I'm not sure, ask your mom almost.

[229] feeling.

[230] So all the major decisions were my mom decision.

[231] And are you, you have siblings?

[232] I have a sister Jan who's four years older than I am.

[233] That to me fits my stereotype because I do think children that have an older sister, men who have an older sister are generally a little better off.

[234] Just as folks.

[235] Then maybe am I, in my, then a go -old.

[236] Three older brothers are taking the shit out of you.

[237] You're a coward.

[238] You're, you can't get laid.

[239] All these terrible taunting things that seem to happen with an older male sibling.

[240] Yeah.

[241] But then you end up being able to ride motorcycles and do all these things that I can't.

[242] Yeah.

[243] Yeah.

[244] Yeah.

[245] Yeah.

[246] Yeah.

[247] Yeah.

[248] Um, so you, what college do you go?

[249] Did you go to college?

[250] First, I went to prep school.

[251] Okay.

[252] I went to Kent School, Kent, Connecticut.

[253] That's a very long way from Flagstaff.

[254] Yeah, it was.

[255] But all my rancher friends who'd been homeschooled were being sent away.

[256] My sister who was incredibly bright.

[257] She was an intellectual, for real, like my parents.

[258] But I was the fantasizer player out the door guy.

[259] But she really was smart.

[260] So she was going to Wellesley.

[261] And my parents knew that the Flagstaff school system wasn't going to, if you're not a natural student, you were probably going to fall through the cracks.

[262] Right.

[263] And I certainly wasn't.

[264] All I wanted to do was play.

[265] Yeah.

[266] And so they were happy that I said, hey, why can't I go away?

[267] All my friends are going away to school.

[268] Why can I?

[269] And they went, great.

[270] And so that's interesting.

[271] I can't imagine wanting to go away at that age.

[272] What age is this?

[273] This is like high school?

[274] 13.

[275] 13.

[276] So just because your appetite for a bigger world was there or you were bored or I don't think.

[277] I think.

[278] most of life i have kind of walked backwards going you know looking at what's coming past me going oh how wonderful well look where i am oh my goodness jeepers like riding in the back of a pickup truck yes literally looking at what you know the grand canyon we just passed it i think maybe when i met my wife mary steenbridge it was perhaps one of the right was the turning point where i turned around in life and actually go when I want to go there, I want to do this.

[279] Before that, I would just, I had some wonderful angels, to be honest.

[280] I really did.

[281] So it was a great place for me to go, but it was so whimsical.

[282] But there is a lesson to learn in that, which is I think most people who end up as the lead of a successful TV show are very goal -oriented.

[283] They have a very specific, their sights on something, right, and they're chasing that, and they might even be strangling that.

[284] And yet another way is also to be in the back of a pickup truck.

[285] Being really happy about where you're at.

[286] Yeah.

[287] And in fact, I'd prefer that approach.

[288] You know, certainly at a certain point in your life, it's advantageous to now start aiming the ship.

[289] Yeah.

[290] But it's very cool that, you know, it doesn't require a certain kind of personality type.

[291] We can go back and forth, but flipping ahead, I don't think I ever thought, had a career thought or a fear around will, I, won't I make it until I had made it.

[292] until about this third, second or third year of cheers.

[293] Before that, I could have been acting in a class, which I did, or being paid to act, and it didn't really matter.

[294] I mean, yes, there was some lovely part about being hired.

[295] But as far as the joy of acting, it was so intense for me that an acting class, the scene that went well was just as good as being paid to act.

[296] That's wonderful.

[297] And then it turned around.

[298] and then, you know, now I'm full of fears.

[299] Yes.

[300] Will I, won't I?

[301] You know, have I just retired and no one told me?

[302] Yes.

[303] Have I?

[304] No, that was a question.

[305] No, I think you're, you will, you will be gainfully employed as long as you choose to be gainfully employed.

[306] Well, well said.

[307] But, um, because let's just go there anyways.

[308] Um, is it because, so year three of cheers or your cheer, as year two of cheers, whatever.

[309] it was is it because you go oh my god this is amazing i don't want to lose this yeah you don't want to lose uh yes yes you you you you start uh how people be hold be you know hold you yes oh you're uh oh they look at you differently uh yeah all the it's so flattering right it is yes it's your ego kicks in.

[310] Yes.

[311] And then you start getting chunks of money that you've never gotten before.

[312] Yes.

[313] Or even thought possible.

[314] Yes.

[315] And you were quite happy without it.

[316] I was.

[317] Yeah.

[318] I was quite content with whatever.

[319] And then lots of money came your way.

[320] And then it was like, oh, I don't want to lose this.

[321] Yes.

[322] And I wonder if I could get more.

[323] Yeah.

[324] You know.

[325] And it's weird.

[326] It's so counterintuitive.

[327] You would think that that would make you feel safe.

[328] But then it kind of backfired.

[329] since and now you have something to lose.

[330] It's kind of liberating to have nothing to lose, right?

[331] Yes.

[332] And I mean, my philosophy about money, we've actually had this conversation once, but my philosophy of money is that you're a tube for money and you let money come in the top and you just let it flow through you.

[333] Don't try to accumulate it.

[334] Just, you know, let it flow through you.

[335] Because if you panic and shut off the bottom, you'll get constipated and the money will stop flowing through out of that fear.

[336] So you just let it rush through.

[337] Don't pay that much attention to it.

[338] Assume that it will be there.

[339] Yeah.

[340] And just focus on what it is you want to do.

[341] I would kill to have that relationship with money.

[342] I know.

[343] I'm very envious.

[344] Yeah.

[345] Yeah.

[346] I have got the bottom of that tube so fucking choke tight.

[347] I've done that.

[348] I've done that periodically.

[349] And Mary will smack me on the back of the head because I am planning for penury.

[350] Yeah.

[351] Yeah.

[352] Yeah.

[353] Yeah.

[354] Now you're thinking, that's me. I'm thinking of all the many ways that the financial system will collapse.

[355] Yes.

[356] There really isn't any way to safeguard myself from this.

[357] I bury gold in my backyard, but even that, how do I get gold into Europe?

[358] You know, it gets madness.

[359] There's an earthquake.

[360] Yes.

[361] There's a drought.

[362] Well, that's it.

[363] Yeah, it's like the Charlie Brown and me that's just convinced that there's no way if I got something that I would be able to keep it.

[364] Right.

[365] Yeah, it's madness.

[366] But I want to know about your, you're, um, Because your ride is so...

[367] I'm finding this fascinating.

[368] Are you?

[369] Yes.

[370] Yes.

[371] This professor has the best stories.

[372] It's the headphones.

[373] It really is.

[374] Totally mesmerized.

[375] I do encourage everyone listening to the show to please put on very high quality headphones so you can have the same elevated sense of our importance.

[376] But you go to a boarding school and is it all male?

[377] All male.

[378] 13 to 18.

[379] Based on an English school system.

[380] an English priest, it was an Episcopal school.

[381] Okay.

[382] An English priest, Father Sill came, I'm not sure when in the early 1900s.

[383] And that was back when, especially in England, that was, it was tough.

[384] Yeah, boys were to be broken in.

[385] Yes, by other boys.

[386] Yeah.

[387] So there was a pecking order.

[388] It was called, unfortunately, it meant one thing years ago.

[389] It was called fagging.

[390] Okay.

[391] Where you, if you were a class above, you could make anyone do pull.

[392] push -ups or, you know, almost beat the crap out of them, basically, and you would be fine.

[393] Yes.

[394] And code writing them?

[395] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[396] Yeah, very much that.

[397] Oh, that's crazy.

[398] I never got smacked with a pillowcase full of potatoes, but it was right next door to that.

[399] And there were, as far as people being paid, there were teachers called masters.

[400] There was an electrician and there was a cook.

[401] And basically, that was it.

[402] Everything else was done.

[403] All the manual labor was done by the kids.

[404] The boys.

[405] us.

[406] It was very Spartan.

[407] Wow.

[408] Up at 6 .15, Chapel at 630.

[409] Oh.

[410] You know, it was, it was rugged.

[411] This wouldn't have suited me. No. And how did you feel there?

[412] Well, let me add one thing.

[413] I just said goodbye to my friend Raymond Coyne, my Hopi friend, right?

[414] This is a great school, by the way, and I will flip this.

[415] Okay, good.

[416] But nevertheless, at age 13, you know, getting driven there by my aunt from Scarsdale, you know and dropped off it that night sitting on these uh these big communal tables with uh i guess there were about 10 boys at a table sitting on benches and there was a pecking order the seniors or the six formers were at the head of the table and then you worked your way down and uh which meant steak and french fries were rumors to anyone at the other end of the table but anyway the first night can i just tell you that this sounds like hoggworts is yeah If it were in Nazi Germany, yes.

[417] Okay.

[418] You know, that's made.

[419] If you've been watching the crown, yeah, it's like what Charles went through.

[420] Anyway, we had corn chipped beef on toast.

[421] Shit on a shingle.

[422] Yes.

[423] Many, many different phrases.

[424] Yeah.

[425] having just said goodbye to my friend Raymond, my hopie friend, the nickname at Kent was skinned Indian.

[426] And I think, For, wait, for you or for that meal?

[427] For that meal.

[428] Oh, my goodness.

[429] It's corned beef, you know, sliced in with a cream sauce over toast.

[430] Any other, in any other name, it sounds appetizing.

[431] By any other name.

[432] So there I was going, wow, where am I?

[433] Yeah.

[434] And why are people wearing madras pants and oh, my jeepers?

[435] And were there, was there a contingent of like East Coast old money?

[436] Yes, but there were all.

[437] also inner city kids.

[438] It was a really cool school in that if you paid on a scale, if your father was the head of General Motors and we had in my class somebody like that, then I'm sure they paid a great deal.

[439] If you had nothing, but you were interesting to the school, you would pay nothing.

[440] So it was pretty cool.

[441] It had a cross section, more or less.

[442] Compared to today, probably not, but more or less.

[443] And again, not to now jump ahead to your age, but does it ever establish, sound you to think that, yes, you went to a school where you could say you were fagging people and then you're eating skinned engine or whatever the fuck you just said.

[444] Not engine.

[445] That is so racist.

[446] I can't believe you said engine and not Indian.

[447] Sorry, go ahead.

[448] Okay.

[449] I was assuming it was the worst thing you could say because I've forgotten it.

[450] But is it not occasionally startling how different these eras you've actually got to witness and how much change can occur in a relatively short amount of time?

[451] True.

[452] And it's kind of spooky to watch me turn into my mother who used to say, you know, take care of the money if we're in a foreign country because it's just, you know, I just can't.

[453] It's just too much for me. I'm doing all of that with social media and going, no, no, I'm sorry.

[454] It's just too much.

[455] Yeah.

[456] I'm not going to do that.

[457] Someone else can do it for me. Yes.

[458] We have you, unfortunately, on this app called Marco Polo, Kristen and I. And it's an app where you can send videos to each other.

[459] And we, I think, exclusively do this in bed at night, right?

[460] You've I've never seen me with my shirt on.

[461] No, no. And in almost every video starts with a few seconds of you, just reconfirming that it is recording, right?

[462] That seems to be the pattern.

[463] Or getting the filter wrong.

[464] Yes, yes, you're like, and then you discovered the like cartoon effect filter, which you found very flattering, right?

[465] You really like that.

[466] I like the sketch.

[467] So that's kind of your go -to, you know.

[468] So we watch basically a cartoon version of you in bed at night, which is, I think most Americans' dreams.

[469] But your ultimate feeling about this experience in school was what?

[470] Did it toughen you up?

[471] Did it give you a sense of due diligence?

[472] Well, it gave me my only real education.

[473] It gave me a great education.

[474] And then I met what saved me. And the school, by the way, Kent's school flipped.

[475] The third year I was there, somebody came in, a new headmaster, and it just, everything went flying out the wind.

[476] know, all of the bad stuff, all of the bullying, all of the everything went flying out the window.

[477] Oh, that's great.

[478] It was still very Spartan, but you, you know, seniors or six -formers had to work doing, you know, sweeping hallways.

[479] If you looked cross -eyed at a younger person or, you know, were a bully in any way you were out.

[480] So it really made a big great.

[481] Yes, they did.

[482] Nice.

[483] Yeah, good, good.

[484] Yeah, they did.

[485] So, anyway, basketball is what saved my life.

[486] a basketball coach, you know, Jim Woods, who actually had like, he was probably only about eight or nine years older than us.

[487] He had graduated from college and turned right around and came, come back to teach at Kent.

[488] And yeah, he saved my life.

[489] Basketball was my love, my passion.

[490] Because it gave you some confidence among the other guys or it?

[491] I just love.

[492] You just love playing at.

[493] I was, were you a power forward?

[494] What position did you play?

[495] I was a very weak you were a moderate forward it's a moderate forward an average forward you know I dislocated my knee the first year junior varsity so from that moment on I could only jump even though I'm right -handed off my right leg oh which is a very weird layup or you know whatever um when when it became we won our league championship at the end of our senior year and they were giving out the awards at our banquet dinner.

[496] And I got a co -most -valiable player.

[497] A co - MVP.

[498] MVP with my best friend who was an amazing athlete.

[499] Truly amazing.

[500] Everything I would really want to be, you know, could dunk, gorgeous human being.

[501] He called his body, his temple, and it was, man. Wow.

[502] It was amazing.

[503] So anyway, and then there was me, but, and they, I don't know how they phrase it, but it was basically You love, your heart is so passionately involved in basketball.

[504] That we have to, oh, it was.

[505] It was like a mercy.

[506] We can't give you an MVP all by yourself.

[507] We'll give you a co -one with somebody who's really good.

[508] But anyway, I loved it.

[509] But you wanted a award for a player who enjoys it the most.

[510] Oh, like love of the game award.

[511] Loved it.

[512] That's great.

[513] That's really great.

[514] Ah, saved my life.

[515] And why do you say it saved your life?

[516] because I've were you lonely there sorry to interrupt you but yeah that sounds lonely was it lonely there um because of basketball no otherwise it would have been okay so you had this um this camarader with your teammates the first year you cried yourself to sleep okay yeah good I was starting to think you're inhuman or something no no everyone was sobbing so that but that being on a team feeling in the camaraderie right and ensemble and it's what informed the rest of my life.

[517] To this day, I, you know, I much prefer being part of a group of acting than just the tall guy who's carrying everything.

[518] I'd rather be part of an ensemble because I just love group.

[519] And it came out of that basketball experience.

[520] I went to Stanford and tried out for basketball for the freshman year.

[521] And I didn't try out.

[522] I stepped up just on the edge of the court and looked around.

[523] Oh, shoot.

[524] Yeah, that's what it's like.

[525] out here.

[526] Did you go to Stanford?

[527] Yes.

[528] You did?

[529] Oh, did I just drop that?

[530] I'm sorry.

[531] I mean, I literally, I did not.

[532] I faked my way.

[533] That's very impressive.

[534] I mean, I think you're intelligent, but that's also requires quite a bit of work.

[535] Correct.

[536] But back in 1966, it was not as impressive as it is now.

[537] It's not as competitive.

[538] It wasn't.

[539] Right.

[540] And I was always geographically interesting.

[541] A kid from Flagstaff, Arizona, you know, riding horseback with the Hopi's Yeah.

[542] Kent School went, wow, that's interesting.

[543] Of course we'll take them.

[544] Do you think they had you confused with a Hopi Indian?

[545] Do you think at any point they thought this basketball playing Hopi Indian?

[546] Yes.

[547] I did milk that.

[548] Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[549] What's up guys?

[550] This is your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good.

[551] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment best and brightest, okay?

[552] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[553] And I don't mean just friends.

[554] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[555] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[556] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[557] We've all been there.

[558] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[559] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[560] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[561] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

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[565] Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music.

[566] I have one quick question before we go to college.

[567] What was going on with girls?

[568] Because you had to be girl crazy in high school, were you?

[569] Yeah, it made it the school.

[570] It was impossible.

[571] There was a girl's school because it was all boys.

[572] Uh -huh.

[573] A sister school, it was Kent School for girls.

[574] three miles uphill and you would just be you know thrown out on your ear if you were the tried to get up there so and dances were like you know uh too close too close now i'm there were definitely you would have scored through the roof because you would have jumped on some you know teachers motorcycle stolen it went up the hill and impregnated everybody if i could only see myself through your eyes just for two minutes i would like do i look like the fons when you are you all right this we're bouncing all over the place but you are one of my heroes oh my god no you are thank you you are and everybody i talk to about you feels the same way so you can squirm for a second because you are astounding go on yeah that is very uncomfortable next question okay so but you did you did like girls it just was it was not possible so you go to stamford yeah and now it's co -ed and stanford was chosen because it was a nice campus and it was co -ed and it was out west then that's all I want it.

[575] Yeah, what's, it's, it's, it's, it's by Palo Alto, our south of San Francisco.

[576] 66 is the temperature.

[577] San Francisco, 1960.

[578] Oh, yes.

[579] You know, wow, hate Ashbury, the whole.

[580] Robert Crum, the Grateful Dead.

[581] I missed it.

[582] Okay.

[583] I missed the entire experience.

[584] Why?

[585] I have because I am, two things, so self -absorbed that it's hard for me. And I'm writing backward in the picture.

[586] up.

[587] And the pickup didn't go by Hayd Ashbury.

[588] And I fell in love with acting.

[589] So that all kind of happened at the same time.

[590] But I was the guy, my friend, my friend Dwayne and I, who we were best friends and basketball players at Kent.

[591] We both went to Stanford together.

[592] Oh, that's fun.

[593] Yeah.

[594] It was nice.

[595] And then we sat around a freshman dorm and somebody had some marijuana.

[596] And we're all sitting in a circle and they passed it around.

[597] and the first people who had a hit, we're going, oh my God, do you see that?

[598] Oh, wow, look at that.

[599] And Dwayne and I are looking at each other.

[600] Well, this is stupid.

[601] I don't see anything.

[602] And I think you're an idiot.

[603] We got up and left.

[604] Oh, okay.

[605] You didn't partake.

[606] No. Yet.

[607] Oh, yes.

[608] No, I had to mature.

[609] Sure, sure, sure.

[610] I think, well, yeah, because you being a Hopi Indian yourself, I would have imagined you would have been over.

[611] open to the peyote experience uh yeah it's because that four corners area that's where they're doing most of the peyote right delicate yes i have Navajo right i have a delicate grasp on life it's a fragile grasp so the idea of being stoned is fine you know a little buzz from alcohol fine anything more than that and i i'm afraid i wouldn't necessarily know how to come back okay okay that's very delicate but it is it is all the rage at that moment especially in that area right Ken Kesey and all these people are, yeah.

[612] I'm sitting in a dorm, freshman dorm impromptu weekend party, cake party or something.

[613] And they have a singer that they've hired to come down.

[614] And I'm sitting about as close as I am to you to this woman singing in her house.

[615] And she's just screaming her voice out.

[616] She was good, but I thought, this poor girl.

[617] Yeah.

[618] She's fucking up her voice.

[619] She can have vocal nodules.

[620] And in the middle of the story, realized I'm blanking on her name, but the fit most famous.

[621] Aretha Franklin.

[622] Oh, no. Come on.

[623] But in that world, Janice Joplin.

[624] Janice Joplin.

[625] It was Janice Joplin?

[626] Yes.

[627] Get the fuck out of you.

[628] And my reaction to Janice Joplin was, oh, she's going to fuck up her voice.

[629] Well.

[630] I also drove halfway to the Monterey pop festival and then looked at my clock and watched and went, oh, I don't know, and turned around.

[631] I just missed the 60s completely.

[632] Uh -huh.

[633] And what did you major?

[634] you're in at Stanford.

[635] The, I don't know what I want to do.

[636] They have that there?

[637] Yes, it's called political science.

[638] Oh, okay.

[639] Yeah.

[640] You didn't have any fantasies of being a lawyer or a politician.

[641] No, no, no, no. Because I didn't care that much and was always faking it in school, I tested really well.

[642] Uh -huh.

[643] Because it was a game, you know, and it didn't really matter.

[644] So I would, I had no stress and I'd just, you know, give it my best effort.

[645] And I got into an advanced placement English class.

[646] when I first arrived to Stanford.

[647] And I, the first day in class, not only could I not understand what the professor had just said, I didn't understand what the student had asked him.

[648] I was just, so I literally stopped going to school.

[649] Oh.

[650] I got my first television, literally a black and white console, because I grew up without TV, turned it on, and it was a rerun of the Dick Van Dyke show at 11 o 'clock in the morning.

[651] And that was my day.

[652] I would get up.

[653] I had a stump, a big old tree stump in the room.

[654] This is me and my friend Dwayne.

[655] He would go to class.

[656] And I would get up, put on music, and dance like a go -go boy on the stump.

[657] Oh, wow.

[658] And then I'd turn on Dick Van Dyke.

[659] And then I'd get on my bicycle and mosey down to the quad to see if any of my classes were still going on.

[660] And then maybe I would drop in or not.

[661] That was my life at Stanford until I fell in love with acting.

[662] You were already having the drug experience without the drugs.

[663] Yeah, I mean, the fact that you're waking up and dancing for a while and watching a bit of TV and then seeing what's popping at the quad.

[664] That's the, you had the experience.

[665] That's the pickup version of life.

[666] So were you acting at Stanford doing plays put on by the school?

[667] My sophomore year, halfway through, I finally got the nerve to ask a girl named Beth who was working behind the counter at the cafeteria of the freshman dorm out for some coffee.

[668] Hoping, you know, against all hope.

[669] Yeah.

[670] And we went out and had some coffee and about five minutes in.

[671] She said, I have to go.

[672] I have to audition for a play.

[673] And I went, oh, can I come with you?

[674] Meaning can I still?

[675] And she...

[676] Also weird, she agreed to get coffee knowing five minutes later.

[677] No, no, she was bored as bad shit.

[678] She was bored to death.

[679] I think we got there early.

[680] Okay.

[681] No, she was totally bored with me. So off we went.

[682] You were like, when do you want to meet?

[683] I just have some light dancing in the morning on this tree stump.

[684] I do need to catch Dick Van Dyke.

[685] But then pretty much the rest of the day is wide open.

[686] By the way, that all, when you play back, sounds way cooler.

[687] It sounds awesome.

[688] No, yeah, yeah.

[689] But it was a nerd, not a cool guy.

[690] Okay.

[691] So I walked into this room and they were audits.

[692] auditioning for Mon East Mon, a brutal Breck play.

[693] And to stay in the room, I had to audition.

[694] So I just made something up.

[695] I said, forgive me, I don't have any written material.

[696] So I did this little thing.

[697] I don't know where.

[698] This is one of those divine moments because there's no reason why I would have ever done something like that, just made it up.

[699] Yeah.

[700] So I did.

[701] Again, quickly, you're in the back of a pickup truck and you realize, oh, we are in an audition now.

[702] Yes.

[703] I guess what one does is.

[704] stand here and entertain the troops okay yeah and i did some people laughed and i was like that's almost as good as basketball not quite but that's nice that whatever that was was nice and i got the smallest part you could get and still be in the play third spear carrier from the left kind of guy uh -huh and but i was hooked i hope they don't give you a co -mvp for this no no trust me good good no i uh but i was hooked and i started to taking acting classes and I literally pulled my station wagon that had a mattress in the back, which is where I was sleeping to the back of the studio theater and I didn't leave for the next three months.

[705] I just ate, drank, slept for the theater.

[706] And then people said if you're serious, you should go back east.

[707] So I auditioned at the last second for Carnegie Mellon University.

[708] Uh -huh.

[709] And off I went in 68.

[710] So you also went there?

[711] Yeah.

[712] to study acting because it had a full -on acting conservatory kind of deal.

[713] Right.

[714] And because I was a transfer student, I didn't have to do any freshman English or anything like that.

[715] I just did acting.

[716] At this age, are you aware of your own charisma?

[717] I mean, that's sincerely.

[718] Like, I'm not asking you to brag for yourself.

[719] But are you aware at that moment that you have a personality that people are drawn to?

[720] I didn't know I had that until the second year of cheers where I learned to keep my mouth shut when people said, oh wow you're cool or oh you know people would write oh he's very sexy uh -huh i knew the truth right right that i was surrounded by beautiful extras who were paid to look at me as if i were sexy but i learned to keep my mouth shut instead of deny it so no can i just tell you how weird life is right and maybe this will make you question some of the assumptions you made as a kid but so you didn't feel like that guy you didn't feel like sam malone no right No. But here I am a kid.

[721] I'm a kid.

[722] And my introduction to what a stud alpha male is is Sam Malone.

[723] Yeah.

[724] So that becomes the definition.

[725] So there isn't a definition.

[726] You gave it to me. That's so weird.

[727] And someone gave it to you.

[728] The writers gave it to me. Right.

[729] But even as a kid, I don't know who you thought was a super gregarious stud when you were a kid.

[730] But that person played that role in you, and that was your introduction to it.

[731] So you didn't question.

[732] it.

[733] So for me, I can see where you didn't think you were Sam Malone, but for me, it's so obvious you're fucking Sam Malone.

[734] And that is, that is what a playboy looks like.

[735] Because that's the first one I've seen.

[736] Yeah.

[737] I don't know.

[738] It's kind of interesting how these things aren't in any way objective.

[739] They're just cultural.

[740] And you could be a part of setting that template without having any awareness of, you're just seeing the doubt, right?

[741] Well, I'm not a, I couldn't have been a professional baseball player who scores every night with the ladies.

[742] No. Yeah.

[743] But I'm told that that's what that looks like.

[744] I don't know.

[745] It blows my mind a little bit.

[746] I know.

[747] It is weird.

[748] Yeah.

[749] But you were friendly and you're personable.

[750] You at least were aware of that.

[751] Yeah.

[752] And I had, because I was such a, not loser, but so fearful or so whatever in life.

[753] And unsure.

[754] And because my mother was teaching me more than my father.

[755] on the playground I would find the biggest bully or notice the biggest bully and then go make him chuckle make him laugh and I was okay yeah I can't imagine you got picked on much no but for weird reasons like at Kent where picking on was okay I was at age 13 I was 6 foot and 120 pounds yeah that's so people bullies but look at me go he's awfully tall yeah but if i hit him he may shatter you know yeah this will make me look weaker not stronger yes exactly right yeah that's i've had to do that calculus a couple times myself andy dick you know that actor yes he made me so mad on a movie set one time and it just escalated escalated escalated until at some point he shoved glasses on my face without my permission and it like hit me in the eye And I stood up and everything was saying, knock this person out.

[756] And then a better part of me was like, you'll look like such a fucking asshole punching Andy Dick out.

[757] And it saved him.

[758] And I bet that's how he's gotten through life.

[759] Yes.

[760] Anywho.

[761] That's nice for Andy to hear right now.

[762] Oh, he fucking deserves it.

[763] And I tell it to his face and we're friends.

[764] It's fine.

[765] Where's Carnegie Mellon?

[766] Pittsburgh.

[767] Oh, it's Pittsburgh.

[768] Yeah.

[769] So we were sheltered.

[770] Okay.

[771] We were kept out of the hubbub.

[772] That makes sense.

[773] That's where Andrew Carnegie made his.

[774] Fortune.

[775] Okay.

[776] So, yeah, that was just pure.

[777] You went to New York after Carnegie Mellon.

[778] Carnegie was supposed to prepare you for repertory companies.

[779] That was what we did.

[780] Classical training and off we go.

[781] Like Shakespeare?

[782] Everything.

[783] Except I was never cast.

[784] I was the one person who fell through the crack and never got into a Shakespearean play.

[785] Really?

[786] Yeah.

[787] So I've always felt as soon as somebody starts talking about Shakespeare, I duck my head and feel like a total funny.

[788] Oh, me too.

[789] Please don't come around to me. Yeah.

[790] And do I remember that we connected at one point about, did you have learning disabilities?

[791] Like, did you have reading issues?

[792] I only now discovered that I probably do, but not really.

[793] Okay, okay.

[794] Meaning I imagine that.

[795] I just want to be like you in so many ways.

[796] No. That I'm not.

[797] You're the true version of who I hope to be.

[798] Yeah, right.

[799] I'm going to get to the point where we are linked by a disease, which is very flattering to me. We're going to get to the old stuff.

[800] Absolutely.

[801] Absolutely.

[802] Only more embarrassing that I have it at 43.

[803] But so you do move to New York from there.

[804] And is New York just, what year is that?

[805] 75 scared the crap.

[806] It's a grimy city in 75, right?

[807] This is a midnight cowboy kind of stuff.

[808] Yeah, panic and needle park.

[809] Yeah.

[810] Sorry, 72.

[811] Pardon me. So it was genuinely hardcore.

[812] Yeah, walking through Times Square, it's like 60 % of the storefronts are peep shows and stuff, right?

[813] yeah that to me is appealing oh no that's the title sequence for saturday night live right at the beginning where it's like guardian angels on the subway and yeah yeah yeah and now it's disneyland but it is so this the city is scary but it's also it's got to be so exciting is it i was terrified for about three months and i was determined to stay there until i was no longer scared and then i would leave because i knew it sucked uh -huh and i just fell head over heels in love with it yeah and And I didn't want to leave until many years later.

[814] It's so unique to New York, I think, where you live on the streets, right?

[815] Like you go somewhere and then everyone's now on foot and they're going somewhere else.

[816] So now you're walking with big groups of people and, oh, I'm going to catch that subway.

[817] I'll walk you to there.

[818] It's this uniquely communal life, right?

[819] Totally.

[820] We should be living that way.

[821] That's how we were designed and evolved to live.

[822] Yet we've stopped.

[823] And then when you're doing it, it feels right on like a primitive level.

[824] right yes you are so much more connected and you are also culturally connected in a great way you know you are bumping into rich people and poor people in the same block you are bumping into everybody from many different countries and yeah economic and everything so tolerance kind of comes with that territory which is great yes here you can be you know you can drive 30 minutes before you find someone who doesn't look like you.

[825] Yes, yes.

[826] And it's a very equalizing city because, sure, you may descend an elevator from a penthouse, but once you get out on that street, everyone's in the same boat.

[827] You're going to have to deal with us, Pat.

[828] You can't buy your way out.

[829] You know, there's something cool about that.

[830] Yeah.

[831] And when you're young, it doesn't matter if you have money or not.

[832] And were you still with Beth at this point, or it didn't last that long?

[833] Beth, I didn't see after that afternoon.

[834] Oh, you did.

[835] thrilled.

[836] Oh, okay.

[837] And, you know, she basically, like, a gale will pawn off a suitor to a friend.

[838] Yes.

[839] She pawned you off to show business, basically.

[840] I don't like you, but I have a girlfriend that you might like.

[841] Her name is show business.

[842] Her name is acting.

[843] So I guess I don't, I'm stuck on this and I'm sorry.

[844] But what's happening with women in New York?

[845] You're a young buck and you're on your own.

[846] Are you dating girl?

[847] No, no, I'm married.

[848] married?

[849] Oh, I was born married.

[850] First off, going back, you know, a woman with girl would have to be stark naked, standing in front of me, I'd be fully clothed, and it would be, oh, oh, me?

[851] Oh, oh, you mean, you want, oh, I was just so backwards.

[852] And so cute.

[853] No, I am the opposite of Sam Malone.

[854] If somebody, you know, kissed me, I would ask them to marry me. And, um, I, a sophomore year, got married to Randy, and I think the real, we would both admit, communication if we had both been emotionally or, you know, mature, would have been, I'm scared to go to New York.

[855] Are you?

[856] Let's live together and be buddies and help each.

[857] Support each other.

[858] What a great idea.

[859] Yeah.

[860] And yet somehow, almost unspoken, because I do not, remember asking her to marry and I'm sure she doesn't remember me asking her married but we got married wow so age 22 that's awfully young to be married especially from the guy who's in the pickup who you know yes yes once again oh petals I see petals oh what oh there's people in chairs a priest oh I'm being wed yes literally this feels very um um whimsical to go through life like this.

[861] I'm sure you pay a price at some point, but it sounds kind of neat.

[862] We are on the same page, really, and I hope this is okay, because Randy is a wonderful actor out there in the world.

[863] So, we were brother and sister, really.

[864] You know, I think what happened.

[865] And you've chosen a very scary trajectory.

[866] There's a lot of uncertainty.

[867] It's not like you both graduated with degrees in mechanical engineering.

[868] You know there's a slot for you at GE.

[869] We're often at the big world.

[870] Yeah.

[871] So a big, big, big chunk of the pie is uncertainly.

[872] Will we make it or not?

[873] And you can shore up this personal piece of the pie and get some stability there.

[874] Yes.

[875] And that's a healing, right?

[876] And we were great friends.

[877] And our class basically all just moved to New York and it became one, our big dormitory.

[878] So we were great buddies.

[879] We all shared the same psychologist, you know, whose famous advice was, you need to relax.

[880] You need to start farting like a jack rabbit.

[881] Really?

[882] That was his big advice that probably turned my life around to this day.

[883] Oh, wow.

[884] Excuse me. I see you put it in practice.

[885] By the way, I didn't make that up.

[886] Isn't that great?

[887] That is great.

[888] Yeah.

[889] That's just the kind of thing in the middle of you taking yourself very seriously and I'm going to figure out this psyche of mine and a man says just fart more often.

[890] It at least probably makes you a little less important in that moment.

[891] Yeah.

[892] And how long do you and Randy stay married?

[893] Five years.

[894] I can't imagine you taking the bull by the horns and getting separated.

[895] No. I'll tell you how that, yeah.

[896] And here's the story.

[897] Yeah.

[898] Randy is learning how to sign and she's gotten really good.

[899] Sign for the Deaf because she's in.

[900] I can't remember the name of the play at Circle and the Rep. So she's had to learn.

[901] And she teaches me every once in a while.

[902] And I've gotten kind of okay.

[903] and one evening I say let's let's have a real conversation because I'll probably follow it more you know if we're not just doing C Jane run we'll have a real conversation and I'll be able to fill in the blank 45 minutes later in total silence we decided to get separate oh my goodness isn't that cool that is very it was very sweet it was very sweet the question was where do you want to be five years from now what do you want to be doing where do you want to be and the answer for both of us was someplace else knowing you're okay.

[904] Uh -huh.

[905] Yeah.

[906] Well, that sounds at least very amicable.

[907] Oh, it was.

[908] We were.

[909] Because you're a, you're a bona fide codependent like myself, right?

[910] It would kill you to have hurt her.

[911] Yes.

[912] If she had been head over heels in love with you and you felt that way, that would have been like a cancer for you, right?

[913] Yeah.

[914] Yeah.

[915] Yeah.

[916] So I feel very, it feels very lucky that she felt that way as well.

[917] Yes.

[918] Because you probably also would have ended up in something for 15 years, maybe.

[919] That was the next.

[920] Okay, that's what we're, that's the next stop on the TED tour.

[921] Wow, you got the number right too.

[922] Oh, is it really?

[923] Side note, why do you think you were a natural codependent?

[924] Was there a relationship with your mom or your dad?

[925] Was your mother prone to depression or anything?

[926] But my upbringing was complicated and there was some hidden currents and stuff.

[927] And so it all felt, I think that's why I think part of me went, oh, this is way too complicated.

[928] I'm going to go off in the corner and play with my trucks or my horses and have, you know, I'm going to daydream.

[929] But everybody has a history of family that is, it's just wacko.

[930] Yeah, absolutely.

[931] We're all trying to deal with our misconceptions or preconceptions or the truth of whatever we came from.

[932] And then you do and you realize, oh, your mom and dad were these two kids.

[933] who got together and did the best they could possibly do.

[934] But here's something that I can talk about.

[935] I was unconditionally loved, man. Uh -huh.

[936] And that's huge.

[937] Yeah.

[938] You know, I was, I never was in doubt ever that they loved me. Me either.

[939] And that's huge because not everyone grows up with that.

[940] Yeah.

[941] But this is why I think, no, no, no, I like it because I do.

[942] By the way, it's why I like to talk about it because there is, I think, as you're growing up in, I'll just use my family, you know, lots of divorces and this and that, you do feel like you're the anomaly, you're the weirdo, you're the outsider, you have these feelings that are unique to you.

[943] And then you kind of proceed through life thinking that.

[944] And then I think there's a ton of comfort in realizing, no, no, that's the norm.

[945] That's, that's baseline.

[946] Yes.

[947] You know, I think.

[948] So yeah, it's not, none of this is like a pity party or anything.

[949] It's just to go, oh yeah, P .S., being a human's fucking hard, messy business.

[950] And then as you say, you get to a point where you start recognizing how young your parents were and all this forgiveness just kind of comes out right like oh my god i'm doing this that i we had lincoln at 38 and i'm barely managing it and and i have money i have all these you know my mom didn't have a fucking thing and she was 18 when she had my brother so whatever yeah it's a miracle it's a miracle and and in a perfect job cannot be done but regardless you do leave with some of these things and then you you confront them throughout your life and i'm not sure a perfect job should have been done, maybe.

[951] I don't know.

[952] Yes, I don't know.

[953] You're probably not, we're not, neither of us are sitting here if we're born in a Rockwell painting.

[954] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[955] So, um, you get divorced and then do you move to L .A.?

[956] Uh, no, get married again.

[957] I had nine glorious months as a bachelor.

[958] Okay.

[959] And that was the only bachelorhood I had, you know, in my entire life.

[960] Um, Yeah, nine months.

[961] And then met and married someone else who's very much alive and hopefully well.

[962] And so I hesitate to caricaturize.

[963] But we had two children.

[964] But your side of the history, you had two children.

[965] And at what age did you have these children?

[966] 32.

[967] Our first was born.

[968] And then our second child, I guess I was 36.

[969] Okay, and can you give me the Reader's Digest Beach?

[970] How old were you when you became Sam Malone?

[971] 32.

[972] So maybe I was 34 when Kate was born.

[973] I was 34 when Kate was born.

[974] Okay, so you had some financial security.

[975] Yeah, cheers, yeah.

[976] And did you have any success prior to Cheers?

[977] Other way around.

[978] Forgive me. Okay.

[979] Kate was born when I was 32 and Cheers when I was 34.

[980] So you did have her in some economic insecurity.

[981] Yeah, yeah.

[982] Yeah, I was, I had done a couple of films, and I, I had done body heat and, uh, the onion field.

[983] And so, I love body heat.

[984] I was off and running with, with eight months of unemployment and then another job, you know, and then I started doing guest stars on television and anything.

[985] So you were making a living.

[986] Yes.

[987] And then.

[988] Just, you know, very minimal, but yes.

[989] Yes.

[990] Yes.

[991] And then you get cheers.

[992] Correct.

[993] And is there any inclination at that moment I'm getting onto something special?

[994] Or it's just like everything else, right?

[995] It's just a job and God knows what will happen.

[996] You know, there was something strange because usually there'd be self -doubt when you auditioning.

[997] Well, but then you don't hear anything the next day.

[998] I had auditioned for Jimmy Burroughs, who was the co -creative.

[999] with Lesson Glenn Charles of Cheers.

[1000] But he was the director, and they were the writers.

[1001] And they had teamed up shortly before Cheers got off the ground.

[1002] But I had auditioned a year or two before for Jimmy Burroughs for Best of the West.

[1003] It was a sitcom, but it took place in the West.

[1004] But he remembered me from the audition.

[1005] I didn't get it.

[1006] And I was called in by Jim Brooks to go do a, quick last second replacement of a character on taxi.

[1007] Oh, wow.

[1008] So I was on the Paramount lot doing taxi, and it was a great part for me. It was fun.

[1009] And Jimmy Burroughs and Les and Glenn were just around the, you know, down the building, down the hallway, starting to think about casting cheers.

[1010] And so they had me come over while I was working, which is a great way to audition.

[1011] Because you're in makeup.

[1012] You're in makeup.

[1013] You look great.

[1014] You look great.

[1015] And you have a job.

[1016] So you're not dust.

[1017] desperate.

[1018] So it felt good.

[1019] So I read and, you know, and I did, I think, a couple times that week while I was working.

[1020] And then they, they said, don't take any other jobs without letting us know.

[1021] Oh, does that, does that mean that I, that I have the part?

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] Just, just don't, don't take we're not willing to go that far, but we're willing to go halfway.

[1024] So I go out the, the office door on one side, the opposite door that I came in and down the hallway and down the stairs are about 50 actors lining up to come see them.

[1025] Oh my goodness.

[1026] So it was, but it was one of those times where I didn't doubt and it was a long audition process.

[1027] Then we were brought in to read and paired up.

[1028] There were six people.

[1029] Yeah.

[1030] There were three Sam and Dianes.

[1031] Oh, wow.

[1032] That they kept, you know, playing around within their heads and you'd read and da -da -da -da.

[1033] And then on the day they built a little temporary bar set at paramount and they had 60 people in the audience you know i'm probably exaggerating maybe it's like 30 or 40 people yeah all the studio all the network all the writers that and we auditioned we had an audition off wow and are you getting you start the first audition with a relative amount of confidence because of the final touches you had gone through and yeah but as it's getting realer and realer and it's being whittled down.

[1034] Is any fear creeping in at this point?

[1035] And that's the one thing that I'll have to say was different for me, because I am a fear -based fellow.

[1036] That makes me think you were just kind of born to play that role.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] It was just like, don't do that.

[1040] Just do do your thing.

[1041] It'll be all right.

[1042] Yeah.

[1043] And even though you didn't see yourself as a Sam Malone.

[1044] No. And I didn't get, I didn't get Sam Malone for like two years.

[1045] It took me two years of playing San Malone before I finally got it.

[1046] But I also want to tip my hat to Shelly Long because I think I got cast as San Malone because I was teamed up with, the pairing with Shelly Long and Shelly was just out of the box astounding.

[1047] Well, you guys had a geometry or a symmetry that really can't be forced or anything.

[1048] It's total lottery, right?

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] And it's just people, some people have that and they don't and you put the two best actors in the in one fucking movie and there's nothing there.

[1051] Yeah.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] It worked.

[1054] It totally worked.

[1055] And then the pilot is now, for people who aren't TV nerds, the pilot is regarded in comedy as the best pilot ever made.

[1056] The most flawlessly...

[1057] The writing was perfect.

[1058] The writing.

[1059] Also, the way it was shot, the way the characters introduced.

[1060] It is structurally as good as you can launch a show.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] Because generally pilots are very hard.

[1063] Because you're introducing strangers to, you know, all these strangers, you're trying to tell people what kind of person they are.

[1064] But just the way that first thing, people are just entering that bar, right?

[1065] I've studied it many times.

[1066] They're just arriving at the bar.

[1067] And you're in such, with such economy, you're finding out exactly who everyone is.

[1068] Everybody is.

[1069] It's like, it's never been done in so skillfully ever.

[1070] Yeah.

[1071] And you dump off, you know, the opposite of Pygmalion, you dump off somebody who should never be in a bar.

[1072] Diane Chambers and she ends up asking for a job and you did that and you believe it and it was you believe that scenario that these bunch of losers with this kind of lethario who she would despise you know as the bartender and he ends up offering her a job and she says yes at the end of 20s And it's almost real time right I mean it's it's all happening real time yes really incredible they're really good And then so this is what would fascinate me most because I can only imagine being in your shoes, you're 32 and almost like a light switch, right?

[1073] You are now a nationally known human being and you're being celebrated and that would be so overwhelming to me. I had it on such an infinitely tinier scale and it was more than I could manage.

[1074] what was your experience with that and do you feel fraudulent do you feel like oh I don't deserve this or like what kind of ego battles are happening what are the three sides of your brain saying well first off I was surrounded by this wonderful group of actors so they I mean surrounded meaning you're sharing buddies we were sharing that experience yeah and then we had lessen Glenn Charles and Jimmy Burroughs who were so good at their work.

[1075] I mean, they literally, we threw away pages of jokes that you could have written a whole other series.

[1076] Yeah.

[1077] You know, they would never settle.

[1078] So the work ethic or the bar that was set by the writers and the, uh, and Jimmy, and Jimmy who was best friends with Brandon Tartikoff and Grant Tinker, you know, so there, it was, the setup was such where, and we were dead last in the ratings.

[1079] by the way.

[1080] Oh, you were?

[1081] Oh.

[1082] This is like the Seinfeld story.

[1083] We were once 70th out of 70 shows.

[1084] One week we were dead last.

[1085] Oh my gosh.

[1086] I didn't know that part of that.

[1087] Now we were told because actors are the kids who always have to be protected.

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] They're asked to leave when the adults want to gather.

[1090] Yeah.

[1091] But nevertheless, we are protected.

[1092] We were just told and we were told by the press and we you're doing great.

[1093] It's a great show.

[1094] Relax.

[1095] Don't worry about it.

[1096] Oh, that's nice.

[1097] You know, Because we are...

[1098] But they're telling Jimmy, you better figure this.

[1099] Well, later on, we all didn't realize this.

[1100] But later on, NBC confessed, oh, we would have replaced it in a shot.

[1101] We didn't have anything to replace it with.

[1102] Really?

[1103] Yeah.

[1104] So we were lucky.

[1105] Okay.

[1106] And then the press found us.

[1107] And once the press find you and celebrate you, then it's harder for a network to get rid of it.

[1108] Yeah, because they need that as well.

[1109] They need ratings and they also need some kind of a claim.

[1110] But let me say, here's an example.

[1111] I saw the pilot.

[1112] So we're shooting.

[1113] You know, you shoot in a vacuum that, first year.

[1114] I don't know how far we did before we were on the air and had any feedback.

[1115] It was like way into the season.

[1116] Yeah.

[1117] So we saw the pilot while before we were on the air and I called Jimmy over and burst into tears and said, I'm awful.

[1118] I'm horrible.

[1119] Oh, you did.

[1120] And he looked at me and listened for two seconds.

[1121] Then he laughed really loud and walked off.

[1122] Oh.

[1123] Couldn't be bobby to hold my hand.

[1124] But I just was, my neuroses is, it happened the first time I saw myself on screen, which was the onion field.

[1125] I slunk out of the theater because what I saw up there was not Carrie Grant, was not James, you know, Stuart, was not whoever I had hoped I would, you know, David Niven, I read his books, you know, and they got me in a holly.

[1126] I wasn't that.

[1127] I was just toad like Ted.

[1128] I was just.

[1129] It was the same reflection you'd been seen in the mirror for 30 years, which wasn't that overwhelming.

[1130] And to this day, when people say you're wonderful, I now I let it in and I love it.

[1131] But then I'll go watch it and it'll be such a heartbreak.

[1132] Yeah.

[1133] Then I'm still, no, I'm still that.

[1134] Now, I can relate to that a ton on just the physicalness.

[1135] I can't stand how I look.

[1136] Every time I'm like, how did they let this guy get on the screen?

[1137] Right.

[1138] But I don't feel that way generally about my performance.

[1139] Did you feel also bad about your performance or just the...

[1140] In the beginning, yes, because when you go watch, when you watch a performance of somebody else, especially comedy, what makes you laugh is when you're surprised and delighted, I did not see that coming.

[1141] Oh, look how they did that.

[1142] I would have gone, oh my gosh, that is so refreshing.

[1143] Well, you watch yourself, it's like, saw that coming, saw that coming, saw that coming.

[1144] Sure, sure.

[1145] You were also surrounded, I can imagine, where it's a little bit impacted by, you're surrounded by some of the greatest people to ever be on TV.

[1146] So like, you know, Norm's doing his thing.

[1147] And I've watched him all day long and he's brilliant.

[1148] Yes.

[1149] And he is certainly an easier laugh than you.

[1150] Like it's just, you know, he's playing this incredible character and it's just a endless well of funny and i can see myself sweat and die and feel like an asshole every time sam would come on to a girl i'd go bullshit you're dying inside you know you're an idiot you know you're a nerd yeah thank god she's naked yeah and you won't realize that was your signal your cue to also get naked uh so how many years before it becomes the show i think it was so two for me okay no no sorry from my experience of this show.

[1151] You got comfortable.

[1152] You know, because literally I wasn't sure for a while whether Sam was dumb or just playing dumb.

[1153] Uh -huh.

[1154] You know, uh, I, I wasn't sure where he was.

[1155] I didn't get the arrogance.

[1156] Uh -huh.

[1157] Uh, you know, a relief pitcher only comes in when things suck and he saves the day.

[1158] Uh -huh.

[1159] That takes a certain amount of arrogance and confidence, you know.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] And I had none of that, as you've just heard.

[1162] Uh -huh.

[1163] but after two years of people voting in the public and judging you you have to let it in eventually you finally go oh well what the fuck I might as well have fun because every you're not going to please everybody half of them are going to hate you half of them are going to love you you have no control over that so kiss my ass I'm going to have fun and do this for myself and that kind of allowed me to get some of that playful arrogance uh -huh and now at at some point do you start becoming sam malone in real life a little bit well i we none of us realize that we're typecast we always think we're brilliant character actors yeah but uh yeah i would no but i'm more mean like sam was the cock of the walk yeah no we were very rock and roll we were we would uh we would you know after the show we would start drinking and start smoking yeah and you know crawl home at two in the morning and it was all very rock and roll yeah we were big big deals because i don't think in our little world at least yeah and i don't think people necessarily are they're not familiar with the high of i'm sure doing that live show oh huge and then the yes and then you are 30 ,000 feet in the air and it's a rough come down on the ride back to home where you're just...

[1164] So you don't.

[1165] Let's stretch it out.

[1166] Let's stretch it out.

[1167] Let's not let this.

[1168] Let's carry on and be silly.

[1169] You want to live in that as long as humanly possible.

[1170] It's irresistible, right?

[1171] Absolutely.

[1172] I'm sure you've attended like an SNL after party, Cernet Live after party?

[1173] Except the only one I went to was the one I hosted and I was such a shattered human being.

[1174] Okay.

[1175] So you couldn't properly enjoy it.

[1176] But they go out and they party until five in the morning.

[1177] And it's incredible because the energy dump that got them to that night.

[1178] And then yet they have that much in reserve just because the desire to propel.

[1179] Yeah.

[1180] Yeah.

[1181] But I also did have, you know, wife and a kid.

[1182] And so that is balancing.

[1183] Yeah.

[1184] And that's hard, I would imagine, too, because you feel guilty, right?

[1185] There's, you're, you're in this bubble in this little microcosm on the sound stage.

[1186] And then, and then, and you have, you know, you have powers there.

[1187] Sure.

[1188] And then part of you does not want to go home.

[1189] And then, and then you must feel terrible about that.

[1190] And then you're at home.

[1191] And, you know, it's just all a little confusing, isn't it?

[1192] So let me just put a little context on that.

[1193] Even though you were rock and roll and all about you, you were Jimmy, less, and Glenn.

[1194] They were the gods.

[1195] They were the gods.

[1196] yeah you know so our entire job was to make them happy and to make them laugh and you know i mean literally the few times we did i don't know 260 or 70 or something episodes of cheers jimmy did all of them except i'm guessing 15 uh -huh and the days he was not there i didn't even know how to perform sam because all i did was perform for jimmy burrows right right you know so you may have thought we might have been the adolescent, aging adolescent rock and rolly kind of feeling of the energy from performing, but we were still working for gods who we wanted their approval.

[1197] So we didn't, we weren't stupid.

[1198] The one time we went off and did something stupid, after five years of being on the air, all the guys played hooky and called in quite obviously playing hooky saying, I'm sick.

[1199] Hold on a second.

[1200] Here's John.

[1201] Hey, I'm sick too.

[1202] Hold on a second.

[1203] And we went off on a boat for the day because we got into so much trouble.

[1204] They were so legitimately angry like parents.

[1205] Sure, sure.

[1206] So anyway, there was that.

[1207] But, you know, it's one of those sneaky things.

[1208] I think without going into a huge amount of detail, you become an elitist and you become full of all of the, all of the pitfalls that you.

[1209] you are so enlightened you're not going to fall into in this business you've i have fallen into face first sure i am i come across humble because i know my ego is so fucking huge that i better come across humble and i better try to be believable you can't turn your back on it no yeah yeah yeah well there's a the great abraham lincoln quote is like if you want to really test a man's character give him power yeah you can't know a man's character until you've given him enough rope to hang himself in a weird way.

[1210] So let me leave it at this.

[1211] I compartmentalized a lot.

[1212] And it was not a good thing for me. Yeah.

[1213] And it took me a while to many years and a marriage to stop compartmentalizing, telling that and stopping a liar and started being real with myself.

[1214] Well, what's great about you is that for many people having the outward, success and accolades is enough to just keep the boat floating down the river.

[1215] But you desired more.

[1216] You actually wanted to like yourself when you were back at your house, right?

[1217] Yeah, yeah.

[1218] I mean, but I was, I was a mess.

[1219] I had to, you know, I had to unravel a lot.

[1220] Do you, do you at all forgive yourself or give yourself a break, recognizing how bizarrely unique the experience was and that there's absolutely no training for that?

[1221] Like, are you able to at least forgive yourself that, It is such an unnatural experience to have that to expect yourself to have performed, you know, admirably the whole time is, that's a little harsh on yourself, don't you think?

[1222] Yeah, I don't.

[1223] I have no qualms at all with how we as actors or I as an actor behaved around cheers.

[1224] We were stupid.

[1225] We were adolescent.

[1226] We made mistakes.

[1227] We were assholes.

[1228] We were all of the.

[1229] And we were great.

[1230] Yes.

[1231] There was, you know, we were.

[1232] And way, yeah, way beyond.

[1233] all those things there was just a gigantic beating heart as well yes no these were wonderful people yeah yeah who when i see them after not seeing them for 10 years five years whatever i truly experience unconditional love in my body for everybody who i worked with on cheers yeah it's just like i cannot wait to hug them and see them and you know because there was that huge heart and we were involved in something so wonderful so i'm not i don't have any problem with how we behaved as asshole celebrities I get it I get it but underneath all of that was Ted's journey which was pretty fucked up and took me a while to get through and you did it dead publicly yeah which is its own like I don't even think you know because I have the rose colored glasses about you that an Elvis fan does you know those Elvis fans that saw him lying down on the stage 130 pounds overweight clearly dying of an opioid addiction.

[1234] They still saw a 27 -year -old Elvis Presley.

[1235] Sadly, his voice sounded like a 27 -year -old Elvis too.

[1236] He could still perform.

[1237] Yes.

[1238] But because I think I just have this enormous sense of admiration for you, it wasn't until we were talking one time that you basically reminded me of all that stuff you had gone through.

[1239] Because to me, that just blew right by.

[1240] I mean, I vaguely remembered it, but I didn't remember it.

[1241] And it wasn't until I was talking to you.

[1242] I was like, oh, no, you really experienced all that in so publicly.

[1243] Were there moments where you thought, well, that's a wrap, man. I fucking burnt this house down.

[1244] Someone gave me this house.

[1245] No, once again, it wasn't so much to pick up this time, driving backwards looking at it.

[1246] It wasn't that kind of moment, but it was all of the public stuff, all of the cheers ending and starting a new, whatever, all of the above, all of the bad behavior.

[1247] on my part, all of the press that I got for it was minute compared to what I finally, with huge amount of relief was dealing with honestly in professional situations with mentors and people who really have guided me through, you know, that moment, you know, whether it's 12th step, whether it's like whatever it is for you, where you go, that's it's it.

[1248] I am now going to really look at myself.

[1249] and be as honest as I possibly can, and it'll be a journey forever.

[1250] That was going on for me. So that relief is not like joy because it's real uncomfortable, but that relief that, oh, I made that, I opened that door.

[1251] Yeah.

[1252] And now I'm not going to be that person anymore, even though maybe a hell of a rocky road, I'm on this journey.

[1253] That relief was so great that all the bad, stuff that came out was almost like oh yeah well i i completely rate relate in the sense and you hear this all the time in a meetings which is like i'm so grateful i'm an alcoholic because weirdly i i am allergic to change and i will not change unless my fucking heads on fire you know it has to be life or death and i am weirdly crazy grateful that it became life or death that so that I had a willingness to change and I could actually, as you say, find mentors, take instruction.

[1254] And it's obviously without getting whatever, it's a, it is a spiritual path you've just opened the door to, you know, or else you haven't opened the door.

[1255] Yeah.

[1256] And so, I mean, what an amazing gift.

[1257] My favorite people are sober people.

[1258] You know, and they're assholes who are sober.

[1259] Oh, sure, sure.

[1260] And we're all full of shit and all of that.

[1261] But anyone who can take a look at and some degree of responsibility and some degree of amusement and acceptance of who they are is so much more fun to be around.

[1262] That's been my experience for sure.

[1263] And I feel like, yeah, you weirdly have, in my opinion, I have that sense of kindred spirit that I have with other alcoholics who've gotten sober.

[1264] I look at you and I go, oh, yeah.

[1265] this dude was in the trenches and he came out and he came up better and that's uh it's just real I love it you know it's uh there's nothing more encouraging uh than people's capacity to change when it happens you know it's really and that's why I think I'm so silly you know or want to look for the laugh in life because if we're not going to talk like you and I are talking right now then everything else is really you want to talk career okay but it'll be yeah I'm going to look for the fun and I can't take myself too seriously.

[1266] Yeah.

[1267] Not that I don't.

[1268] But I mean, you know, this conversation to me is a conversation worth having with anybody any time.

[1269] I agree.

[1270] Because let me tell you, I can't learn a thing from you, Ted, when you explain how you got cheers.

[1271] There's nothing for me to learn from that.

[1272] I don't know how to get in that specific room and feel confident on that given day.

[1273] Right.

[1274] But through your failures, I can learn a ton from you.

[1275] I can go.

[1276] And I have thought of you.

[1277] you.

[1278] I have thought of like, my God, if Ted could have navigated all that stuff and be the person he is today, that's very encouraging.

[1279] I think it's very encouraging.

[1280] I talk ad nauseum about this book, but I'm reading the Ulysses S. Grant biography right now.

[1281] Never has there, well, to my knowledge, has there been a man who had more standing on the top of Everest than dead in the desert than back on the top of, I mean, the nation loved him.

[1282] He was our savior.

[1283] Oh, he was a fucking drunk.

[1284] He'll never win this war.

[1285] He beat, you know, he invaded Vicksburg and won.

[1286] He's our hero.

[1287] And it just never ended.

[1288] He was economically destitute.

[1289] He was so bad with money, all these things.

[1290] But this motherfucker kept walking forward.

[1291] And it is so incredible.

[1292] I, you know, I, I idolized that way more than I do.

[1293] Yes.

[1294] Someone who just always went well for.

[1295] I can't really relate to it.

[1296] Um, now.

[1297] So since Cheers, you've had a still a ton of successes.

[1298] You had Backer, right?

[1299] That ran for a very long time, six, yeah, which is a huge success.

[1300] And then, um, you were on a show where you, um, you told us what breakthrough just happened, uh, scientifically.

[1301] N -C -I.

[1302] Is that where you were on?

[1303] Oh, C -S -I.

[1304] No, CSI.

[1305] Yeah.

[1306] So you, I forget how you describe it, but you, you have funny things to say about that.

[1307] But you would often, you'd get to tell us, right?

[1308] Like what, uh, what dynamic evidence just was for me. Oh, man, that was the hardest job I've ever had.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Let me jump in because we're, You know, it's easy to make fun of procedural because they are so literal and they're very close to some of them next door to soap operas.

[1311] I had the most amazing time, the writers, the actors going to work, the technicians, I don't mean the crew, but the CSI's, the technical advisors.

[1312] Yeah, it was amazing.

[1313] Yes.

[1314] And it was the hardest kind of acting.

[1315] It is like a soap opera.

[1316] you are constantly delivering exposition, remember just a minute ago how we were talking about that hard part of me and cheers, you remember that?

[1317] Yeah, yeah.

[1318] Yes, everything's a recap, right?

[1319] Everything's a recap.

[1320] And you're delivering so much exposition at all times.

[1321] It really is a test.

[1322] And you're saying things like vaginal tears, which you should never ever have to say ever.

[1323] You don't ever want to have to discuss that.

[1324] Blood splatter.

[1325] Yes.

[1326] And much of what you're saying is just jibber.

[1327] right you don't know a thing you don't know any of the words you're saying well that was kind of the cool part that at first it was gibberish then you realize well I'm gonna look like the worst of the worst if I don't try to make some sense of it so I took this kind of perverse pride into going I am going to really know what it is I'm saying so my I would like two or three times a year I would have a high school style anxiety attack meltdown because my brain would just rebel uh -huh say no I'm not going to learn this I'm not going to say this Yeah anyway Oh I got to tell this because it's such a fun tidbit So you were on damages And Kristen and I were so obsessed with damages And so the very first time We met you was at dinner Or she had already met you But the first time I met you We're at dinner in the crow's nest I'm eating crab legs And we're telling you how much we love Damages and then it occurs to me I go oh my God Ted Do you know the name we're staying In this hotel under Holly and Arthur Frobisher And you I don't think you believed us i think you thought we were fucking with you but sincerely we were staying in that hotel under your character name from damages that's how much we loved you and that show so we've been holly and arthur for a long time when we met you're gonna have to find a new one because that's blown yeah now that's that's gone yeah now let me ask you this because a i would be a fucking pig and shit if they asked me to be on one of those shows and to make a good paycheck i so i am not shitting on this but I'm wondering, did your ego get challenged at all?

[1328] Did you think like, oh, man, when I bump into people now, my peers, they're going to know I'm talking about, you know, blood spatter analysis.

[1329] Did that fuck with you at all?

[1330] You know what's in, CSI was the most watched show from like five or six years towards the end of its run in the world.

[1331] Yeah, I totally believe it.

[1332] I was like, couldn't believe it.

[1333] It changed my life overseas at least.

[1334] Uh -huh.

[1335] here in this industry, it was like being, you know, in the witness protection for actors, you know, what are you doing?

[1336] Did you retire?

[1337] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1338] How's retirement?

[1339] But did that screw with you at all?

[1340] Or had you passed that point?

[1341] No, I was incredibly grateful that they were paying me very well.

[1342] Yeah.

[1343] And I truly loved.

[1344] And you like houses.

[1345] And I love houses.

[1346] Yeah.

[1347] And Mary loves houses.

[1348] So something's got to give.

[1349] But I am a humble man. Can we get that.

[1350] How humble you are.

[1351] I've had the pleasure of being at one of your houses and just your wife.

[1352] I think it's your wife.

[1353] Mary has such an incredible aesthetic.

[1354] It's rare that I will go into a house and actually be able to understand what it is people are obsessed with.

[1355] Like often we'll go to houses and Kristen's blown away with it.

[1356] And I'm like, I don't know.

[1357] It felt like a showroom.

[1358] Like I felt like we were at a crate and barrel or something.

[1359] It just doesn't resonate with me. But I don't know whether your eyes are Mary's.

[1360] I think it's Mary's.

[1361] She has an ability to make an environment.

[1362] feel so wonderful to just be in.

[1363] And comfortable, yeah, I agree.

[1364] Don't you feel lucky that you are with someone who builds that world around you?

[1365] Yes, I am.

[1366] One of many reasons, but yes.

[1367] Truly, it actually truly makes a huge difference to me to be able to walk into a room and just feel bathed and delighted.

[1368] Yeah, like you can breathe and it's conducive.

[1369] Like, because when we went to your house, we just sat in your kitchen and shot the shit.

[1370] And that could have never ended for me. That could have gone on for a thousand hours.

[1371] And that environment was part of that.

[1372] And I want to say, too, that what's really fun about you and Mary...

[1373] Let me just say something for one second.

[1374] No, this is my show.

[1375] I will say whatever.

[1376] Go ahead.

[1377] If I had you...

[1378] No, you were told not to interrupt by something.

[1379] Yes, yes.

[1380] I can interrupt.

[1381] If I had your skills, your verbal skills, your...

[1382] Whatever makes it possible for you to be really good in this situation, the tables would be reversed.

[1383] I geeked out on you.

[1384] You're one of the most amazing people.

[1385] I've ever met.

[1386] I love how you do man. I love how you do father.

[1387] I love how you do husband.

[1388] Thank you.

[1389] You're an amazing guy.

[1390] Thank you.

[1391] And you're sitting here doing me, but I wish I had the skills to do you because you're.

[1392] Well, I do want to point out this really funny dynamic I've observed.

[1393] I don't know if you and Mary ever talk about Chris and I when we leave, but we do like a big, big debriefing after we leave you guys, right?

[1394] And what we, from our analysis, we think you guys are in the same relationship, but I'm Mary and you are Kristen.

[1395] Is that occurred to you guys?

[1396] Yes.

[1397] Because if you watch when we, the four of us sit at a table, like I love your wife.

[1398] A, I think she's outrageously beautiful and she's also very cool and she's from the South and just a lot of, she's a musician.

[1399] There's a million things.

[1400] And I will make a concerted effort to connect with her.

[1401] And then yet all of a sudden my just focus lands on you and you and I are very symbiotic.

[1402] as Kristen and Mary are super symbiotic.

[1403] So those two will lock into each other.

[1404] And you and I will because I think we mirror each other's spouses.

[1405] And you know what?

[1406] I did not.

[1407] My father, you know, I was always, I slept in the women's tent.

[1408] You know, my father loved me, adored me. But it was like, okay, now you go off with your mother.

[1409] I sleep in the woman's tent.

[1410] So my male models, I've had to discover.

[1411] and life, healthy male models.

[1412] And I know there's a joke here, but I don't want to go for it.

[1413] You are one of those models for me. So I do want to talk to you.

[1414] I do want to soak up what you're thinking.

[1415] And that's why I think we hit it off because I really enjoy how you do your life.

[1416] And again, Sam Malone to me, I didn't have a father in my house.

[1417] that man was like, ooh, yes, I'd like to be that person when I grow up.

[1418] So what a bizarre.

[1419] So I'm picking the mature, wise part of you to celebrate and you're telling me that my my, uh, no, because as I've evolved.

[1420] Shallow.

[1421] As I, as I, I, I like to think evolved.

[1422] I now way more want to be Ted Danson than I want to be Sam Malone.

[1423] Say it.

[1424] Say my name.

[1425] I can't fuck that.

[1426] I'm going to start going to Ted Dan.

[1427] I want to be Ted Dan.

[1428] call me by my name.

[1429] The real man who is crazy generous and you're such a good husband.

[1430] What I see.

[1431] Who knows?

[1432] I am very violent when we leave there.

[1433] I'm a wonderful husband from Mary Steenberg.

[1434] That is true.

[1435] That's a great way to phrase it as I am probably only a great husband for Kristen Bell.

[1436] But so who we haven't talked about.

[1437] That's what I want to.

[1438] This is our last stop.

[1439] Well, no, there's another stop, which is sorry, out of arthritis.

[1440] I'm saving the sexy topic for last.

[1441] So in case anyone's like slowly undressing during this, we'll bang them right with the right when everything's derogued.

[1442] So yes, so you and Kristen, you work together on this Wales movie up in Alaska.

[1443] And that is so fun for her.

[1444] I think it's fun for you.

[1445] You fall in love with her.

[1446] And then you guys get the good fortune of being on the good place together.

[1447] Yeah, didn't we, we also got together.

[1448] Prior to that.

[1449] You came up to our home in Ohio.

[1450] In a motor home.

[1451] a trailer, which blew your mind.

[1452] We couldn't talk you into coming into this house that you said you love.

[1453] I paid a thousand bucks for that RV rental.

[1454] There's no way I was.

[1455] You're right.

[1456] The house was overwhelmingly wonderful, warm and welcoming.

[1457] And then we chose to go out into a fucking 10, 38 foot tin can out of pride.

[1458] But both of you landed that weekend.

[1459] It was like I really got both of you, a sense of both of you.

[1460] I kind of got a sense of christen up in Alaska but we never really worked together and there was a horde of actors which was great.

[1461] An embarrassment of riches an embarrassment of riches.

[1462] But that weekend that we all spent together I really kind of got your wife but then I think that was maybe one other time we bumped into each other stuff like that but then when I got to work with her every day it was like She is my, she's many things.

[1463] So when I start trying to talk about Kristen Bell, it's like I minimize who she is because I've just started to talk about one's aspect of her because she's so many different things.

[1464] But she is my perfect castmate, my leader, my, she's the captain of the ship.

[1465] But it's like she rushes in in the morning.

[1466] kind of mumbles hello because she's not crazy about morning no no no it's not her favorite time a day we walk on the set and i'm on the set with my best friend who because i guess we share uh both of us have been in the business you know me way longer but her a big enough chunk that we are the older people we share a body of knowledge about our our craft and our uh business And it's commensurate and then it's basically half of your lives.

[1467] Yes, yes.

[1468] Proportionally, it's similar.

[1469] And she is like this kindred spirit.

[1470] We have the same, you know, I flatter myself by saying we have the same sense of humor.

[1471] But it is literally effortless.

[1472] And I feel beloved.

[1473] She takes care of me, but without doing it in a condescending way, she knows if I'm having a little trouble.

[1474] And she just, with that, not literally, but she can grab my elbow and.

[1475] Yeah, very nervous.

[1476] point me in the right direction without making a deal about it.

[1477] She is just my ideal castmate and then they say rap, we're over, cut, end of the day, I can't even, if I've just hugged her in a scene and they say cut, I will turn around and I don't know where she's gone.

[1478] She's out of there so fast.

[1479] She's hosting an award show by the time you're getting in your car.

[1480] Right.

[1481] Or being with you or being with her kids or doing this mogul thing.

[1482] that she does.

[1483] But the time we spend together is some of my favorite two actors hanging out in front of a camera time.

[1484] Yes.

[1485] And she is so bright.

[1486] She looks at a page of dialogue.

[1487] That's so annoying.

[1488] The older I get, I need to really work on it.

[1489] I show up in the cool of the evening.

[1490] But I need, do you know that phrase?

[1491] I just love it.

[1492] No. Cool of the evening.

[1493] The whole phrase is a Pearl Bailey.

[1494] a quote where she was getting her lines wrong on the road before they opened in Hello Dolly in New York and the producers were crazy because she kept saying different lines, different nights.

[1495] And they came in and said, Pearl, we open in New York on Broadway in a week.

[1496] And she said, honey, in the cool of the evening when the fucking begins, I'll be there.

[1497] Oh, that's fantastic.

[1498] Also, you must appreciate that I have I have worn her down, too, over the last 11 years.

[1499] So she's her filters, like, right?

[1500] You can get away with murder probably as well around her.

[1501] She's just probably grateful that I am a moment of not you.

[1502] Absolutely.

[1503] And also, let's add to this, it's so annoying that she is this person you just described without the fucking crash and burn that you and I had to go through.

[1504] Yes.

[1505] What is that?

[1506] It's just biochemically, this bitch.

[1507] She just showed up perfect.

[1508] Who was she?

[1509] I don't know.

[1510] It's incredible.

[1511] She's also self -deprecating about it.

[1512] Yes.

[1513] Or not even.

[1514] She doesn't have a crazy ego.

[1515] She doesn't get jealous of people.

[1516] She's not like, she's not tallying up who's doing what and I'm doing this.

[1517] And she roots for all of her friends.

[1518] Mainly because she is multitasking beyond belief successfully.

[1519] So, you know, stopping to do something stupid, egotistical is a waste of energy.

[1520] Yeah, there's not a lot of free time for her to get into our weird hamster wheel of a headspace.

[1521] Okay.

[1522] Okay, everybody, I assume now your pants are on the floor, your shirts draped across the armchair, and let me just tell you this sexy, sexy thing that Ted and I share, which is psorietic arthritis.

[1523] Now, what a sexy disease this is that you and I have?

[1524] It's an autoimmune disease.

[1525] Which sounds better than anything with the word psorias is involved.

[1526] I know, yes.

[1527] Because that's the heartbreak.

[1528] That's the guy with shamefaced lowered head in the case.

[1529] It's not just bad enough that you have arthritis, but then you also have to join this word, which is basically psoriasis.

[1530] So now you're also thinking of very red, flaky skin, which I actually don't suffer from, but that's part of it.

[1531] It's almost as if we said, we have diarrhea arthritis.

[1532] We don't actually have any diarrhea associated with the condition, but we just suffice to say that they needed to put that word on it.

[1533] We have impotent diarrhea arthritis.

[1534] It's such a bummer.

[1535] And it's an autoimmune thing, right?

[1536] And how long have you known you've had it?

[1537] I had just the old heartbreak for a long time that it can branch into, lead into psoriotic arthritis.

[1538] Oh, okay.

[1539] And did.

[1540] And it did.

[1541] Congratulations.

[1542] Thank you.

[1543] I graduated.

[1544] No, no, no. Always an overachiever.

[1545] You thought I had sorrises.

[1546] I have an autoimmune disease.

[1547] Yes, yes.

[1548] Which is way more important.

[1549] Probably 15 years ago.

[1550] Okay.

[1551] Which is no fun because it does mess up your joints.

[1552] It does, but then maybe ultimately we'll go, oh, this thing saved our life.

[1553] You think, because if that crosses my mind, because we generally, you and I are on a similar diet.

[1554] Yeah.

[1555] And you're avoiding gluten.

[1556] Yeah.

[1557] And you're avoiding.

[1558] What else are you?

[1559] I've actually stopped.

[1560] Well, hard cut to the next time you see me, I'll be walking down a hamburger.

[1561] Exactly.

[1562] A huge bun.

[1563] This is why I'm hesitant to say that, you know, like I claim progress, not perfection.

[1564] I do as good as a human can, or as this human can do.

[1565] By and large, I don't eat wheat.

[1566] You don't eat weeds?

[1567] Okay.

[1568] Any meats you avoid?

[1569] I should, I go, here's how I should be eating.

[1570] I should be eating good fish, you know, healthy good fish.

[1571] That's all the filet fish, the McFish, all the mix.

[1572] Anything fried.

[1573] And a crappload of vegetables.

[1574] Eggs?

[1575] Eggs work for me. Oh, they do.

[1576] Okay, great.

[1577] Yeah, I think my, here's what, I've gone, I'm in Hollywood, so we do things like fans.

[1578] If you are masturbating, pace yourself.

[1579] Because Ted is about to tell us how he reacts to eggs.

[1580] By the way, by the way, you've hit the right humor vein because there is nothing less sexy.

[1581] You're turning to your wife and saying, my surreis is bothering me. Yes.

[1582] You know, oh, fucking, my thumb.

[1583] I shouldn't eat that wheat bun.

[1584] My thumb is hurting.

[1585] My Brazilian trainer finally said, Ted, women don't want to hear about your aches and pain.

[1586] I don't want to hear them, but certainly your wife doesn't.

[1587] You need a real man occasionally to come in and smack the shit out of you and go like, listen, I know you're evolved.

[1588] You want an autoimmune disease here.

[1589] Boom.

[1590] Here's your fucking autoimmune disease.

[1591] Yeah, so mine is I'm supposed to not have no gluten, no dairy, no, nightshades.

[1592] The meat I'm supposed to eat is only lamb, turkey, and bison.

[1593] No fish.

[1594] My gal didn't like fish.

[1595] She thinks it's mostly.

[1596] But you know what?

[1597] This is at least similar.

[1598] So when you and I bump into each other at social events, but are both, the first thing we say to each other is like, what can we eat here?

[1599] Right?

[1600] That's like a remain.

[1601] Yes.

[1602] And for me, the breakfast is the worst meal the day because it's either it's potatoes, which is a nightshade.

[1603] Don't hold on.

[1604] Don't stop for a second.

[1605] I know it's getting too sexy.

[1606] And also, uh, no, no wheat.

[1607] So I can't have, I can't have pancakes.

[1608] I can't have French toast or eggs or gluten free oatmeal.

[1609] I eat that every single morning.

[1610] Bob's red mill.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] I just add the water.

[1613] Oh.

[1614] It saved my life.

[1615] Yeah.

[1616] Now I do drink a crap load of tequila, which I know you don't.

[1617] But, uh, well, should I start though?

[1618] Medicinally?

[1619] Uh, maybe.

[1620] Okay.

[1621] I'm going to ask you if cactus is okay.

[1622] Yeah.

[1623] You know, it's a little strange.

[1624] Okay.

[1625] To have this thing we're talking about, this autoimmune disease, and also being 70.

[1626] Right.

[1627] So you never quite know.

[1628] Now, what is this, you know.

[1629] Yeah.

[1630] Is this what a 70 year old, healthy 70 year old feels like?

[1631] Because it's just kind of slowing down a little bit.

[1632] Or is this your autoimmune disease.

[1633] So it's always a little bit hard.

[1634] It really puts a magnifying glass on a principle I believe in, which is my body is only has two states.

[1635] It's either getting better or worse.

[1636] There is no homeostasis.

[1637] There's no like me in neutral doesn't exist.

[1638] And I think, again, I'm almost grateful to have been exposed to that because I have to.

[1639] It's an absolute necessity or I can't pick up my kids, you know.

[1640] So it's weird these things that are seem like the plagues or sentences end up, you know.

[1641] So we did turn this into something really very sexy.

[1642] Yeah, it's very hot, very steamy.

[1643] So I'll close on this.

[1644] You just said you're 70.

[1645] You seem to hate compliments.

[1646] Let me just fucking load this gun up and start.

[1647] When you talk about someone to look up to you, your youthfulness, your health from my point of view, your energy at work, your continued productivity creatively, all these things like if I, you know, my dad died at 62.

[1648] So in my mind, the option is like, I'm fucking out of here in 17 years.

[1649] And then I look at you and you are my normal.

[1650] star.

[1651] I'm like, if I can just mimic Ted, if I am you at 70, I am fucking delighted.

[1652] So I thank you for being a role model that I can follow.

[1653] Yeah, that's cool.

[1654] And I think that's important because I have one.

[1655] Who's yours?

[1656] Jane Fonda.

[1657] Oh, yeah.

[1658] Just turned 80 and she is ferocious.

[1659] Yes.

[1660] She is out there, you know, standing up for things that are important and working hard and acting and, you know, delighted and interested in demonstrative she's you know and it was like i was starting i have to admit about a year ago i started to get a little brittle i was like um maybe we shouldn't do this because you know we're going to retire and maybe i was starting to plan for pen year i was planning for less you know for diminishment yeah and all of a sudden it's like what the why am i doing that that's insane so you die you know be go 80 miles an hour and and the direction that seems like it might bring you joy and fun.

[1661] And who cares what happens along with?

[1662] Jump the Lamborghini off of Mulholland.

[1663] Don't sit in the garage and idle it to death.

[1664] But certainly, at my age, if I'm not doing every day what brings me joy, then I'm an idiot.

[1665] And there are days when I'm an idiot.

[1666] Sure, sure.

[1667] But by and large, that's me motto.

[1668] Well, I hope you continue on, especially with my wife.

[1669] I think when this show runs its course you guys should then do another and another and another.

[1670] Hey, yeah.

[1671] Stay in my life.

[1672] Yeah.

[1673] I have so enjoyed this because usually it would be rude to carve out this and much alone time with you.

[1674] Yeah, right.

[1675] You know, because there are other people around or we have to.

[1676] And that's my truth with men, by the way.

[1677] Uh -huh.

[1678] Because I probably because of that whole mother -father thing that I touched on.

[1679] Well, blue pass, really.

[1680] Blue pass.

[1681] We're being honest.

[1682] But you go ahead.

[1683] You know, it's like I, my mind is ground to all.

[1684] Is what you just said.

[1685] Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[1686] But yes, professional.

[1687] Oh, here's my philosophy.

[1688] It's like men are great.

[1689] They're relaxing.

[1690] You can let your guard down.

[1691] It's fun.

[1692] It's simple.

[1693] You can follow your psychiatrist advice and fart.

[1694] Yes.

[1695] But the truth is, they're not where it's at.

[1696] No. It's the woman.

[1697] So this has been fun.

[1698] Yes.

[1699] But I need to go find Kristen or Mary.

[1700] Absolutely.

[1701] Because that's where it's really at.

[1702] I hear you.

[1703] But I've had the most relaxing, wonderful time with you.

[1704] Well, anytime you need a two -hour dose of whatever brand masculinity you think I provide, I'm at your disposal, and I love you.

[1705] Love you, too.

[1706] Thank you so much.

[1707] Bye, Ted Dan.

[1708] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soul -made Monica Padman.

[1709] Ted dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing machine.

[1710] Watch me get up.

[1711] I can't sing today because as you can hear, my voice is fucking shot.

[1712] Yeah, but you did.

[1713] Okay, but I did anyways.

[1714] Yeah, I'm wrestling a real bear right now, a little upper chest issue.

[1715] Uh -huh.

[1716] Not to gross anyone out.

[1717] But, yeah, there's some business happening in my...

[1718] And you refuse to use Vicks Vapor Rub.

[1719] They're not a sponsor, but I believe in their product.

[1720] I'll do it if someone applies it.

[1721] I don't want it stuck to my fingers and then I it's my eye an hour later.

[1722] And next thing you know, I'm blind.

[1723] I guess they won't be a sponsor now.

[1724] Yeah.

[1725] Good job.

[1726] Accused them of having a product that blinds people.

[1727] No, I don't think it blinds you, but, yeah, but, but, you know, I am nervous about getting in my eyeballs sockets.

[1728] I think you're just a little stubborn.

[1729] Yeah, that's for sure.

[1730] Yeah.

[1731] I am nervous about you being sick, though.

[1732] Because we have a big Saturday night ahead of us.

[1733] Yeah.

[1734] And I have a bad feeling you're going to get sick right before the show.

[1735] Well.

[1736] Because you were pretty sick for Dallas.

[1737] Yeah.

[1738] No, Austin.

[1739] You weren't doing great at Dallas either because remember I went to 7 -Eleven and got you a bunch of treats.

[1740] That was Austin.

[1741] No, that was Dallas.

[1742] Oh, was it Austin?

[1743] Yeah, remember we all got sick in Austin.

[1744] Oh, you're right.

[1745] Yeah.

[1746] You're right.

[1747] That was okay in Dallas, I think.

[1748] I mean, I was still recovering.

[1749] Yeah, you were not.

[1750] It was not 100.

[1751] No. But you suffered through Austin.

[1752] That was, I mean, you got energized by the crowd, but you were hurting.

[1753] Yeah, that adrenaline works, though.

[1754] It does.

[1755] It really worked.

[1756] What would you say your odds were of having to leave that stage in a hurry while squeezing your butt cheeks?

[1757] It was okay because I unlike you use products to help me. Okay.

[1758] So I had gotten some emotium.

[1759] You had and it helped.

[1760] I keep patting myself on the back about it.

[1761] What else did I get you?

[1762] I got you a three musketeers bar.

[1763] Yeah.

[1764] It's your favorite candy bar.

[1765] Uh -huh.

[1766] A couple different variety of, um, cake.

[1767] Well, I got your pound cake.

[1768] Got me some cake.

[1769] But then it's different options for gatorie to you.

[1770] That's right.

[1771] That's right.

[1772] I like yellow.

[1773] And yellow was an option.

[1774] I like orange.

[1775] Yeah, it's weird.

[1776] I don't generally gravitate towards orange.

[1777] Uh -huh.

[1778] You know?

[1779] I do not like the red.

[1780] It's not for you.

[1781] Mm -mm.

[1782] I feel strongly against the red.

[1783] Okay.

[1784] Yeah.

[1785] You hated that?

[1786] No, I just think at some point someone's going to.

[1787] I go, what am I listening to?

[1788] I know.

[1789] People's favorite Gatorade flavors.

[1790] All right.

[1791] How did Papa Ted do?

[1792] He did pretty good.

[1793] Oh, I thought this was interesting.

[1794] He said that he practices the names of people he's about to see on his ride over.

[1795] Like, he was on his way and he was thinking, Dax and Monica.

[1796] He didn't know Rob yet, but now he'll say Dax and Monica and Rob.

[1797] Do you say if he keeps a little folder in his phone?

[1798] No, he says he does it in his brain.

[1799] Oh, okay.

[1800] But I thought that was interesting.

[1801] There's also this New York Times article called 36 questions that lead to love.

[1802] Ooh.

[1803] Uh -huh.

[1804] It's 36 questions that are meant to increase intimacy.

[1805] Oh.

[1806] So you're supposed to ask these questions with a partner and really get to know them.

[1807] But I had a dinner party a couple weeks ago and we were going through these questions and asking everyone.

[1808] A fun little game.

[1809] Yeah, it was really fun.

[1810] But one of them was before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say?

[1811] Do you?

[1812] Always my opening line.

[1813] You do?

[1814] I mean, that's not true.

[1815] If I call you, I haven't.

[1816] But if I'm like returning a call to a businessy person, yeah, I've got my first line.

[1817] Interesting, yeah.

[1818] You?

[1819] It was pretty half and half when we played the game.

[1820] I don't.

[1821] You don't do it?

[1822] Mm -mm.

[1823] Fly by the seat of your trousers.

[1824] I guess.

[1825] But you'd think I would.

[1826] You seem like the turd the turd of person that would pre -plan that.

[1827] I know, I do.

[1828] Just cover all your bases.

[1829] Yeah, but no. Good for you.

[1830] You shoot from the hip when it comes to those phone calls.

[1831] I don't know what they're going to say.

[1832] True.

[1833] Well, it's generally a waste of time unless you're going to take the bull by the horns and just launch into a monologue.

[1834] Although if I am confronting someone.

[1835] Here we go.

[1836] Yeah, then I do practice.

[1837] Go on.

[1838] Mainly in person.

[1839] go on what why are you saying that because remember i love it oh yeah remember i don't like it i forgot about that and i just was reminded because i don't like it you had a visceral oh i'd lie i would love it sounds so insincere oh try it to me um yeah i never practice go on well okay sometimes i do if it's going to be like a confrontation go on all right so there was this time that this girl stole my purse well you can't interrupt a sentence well I think maybe you have.

[1840] Hey, before we leave this topic, I just want to point out from last week that we were informed by a lot of folks on Twitter, luckily, that what we were really talking about was not Lake Okeechobee.

[1841] It was this complex called The Village.

[1842] Yeah, not Lake Okachobee and not NPR.

[1843] Well, my, no, it likely was on there as well.

[1844] It's definitely where I heard it.

[1845] But it was about the village, which is a retirement community was 70 ,000.

[1846] seniors in it and there was a uh what we found today was a new york post article although i that's not what i had read i had been told it by a you know r pr agent yeah an mpr agent representative of national public radio and uh yeah there's uh they're just you know the rates of uh herpes gonorrhea syphilis human papilloma virus they were doubling like in very short spans.

[1847] Yeah, increasing heavily.

[1848] And it also said in that article that the ratio male to female there is 10 to 1.

[1849] Yeah, that's not surprising at all.

[1850] Well, it's not surprising, but guys, if you can hang in there, your odds are going to go through the roof.

[1851] Right.

[1852] Yeah.

[1853] Oh, 10 females to everyone die.

[1854] That's surprising to me. No, because we die so soon.

[1855] We don't go to the doctor.

[1856] Oh, right.

[1857] But I guess for, yeah, that's true.

[1858] You're right.

[1859] Just a bunch of horny seniorettes and slim pickings on the guy's side.

[1860] It's kind of like being a straight male and musical theater.

[1861] It's a great, great approach.

[1862] I know, but see, so this is starting, I'm starting to poke holes, okay?

[1863] All right.

[1864] Because if it's...

[1865] Go on.

[1866] Because these women are post menopausal.

[1867] Yeah.

[1868] So I'm surprised that so many of them are so horny.

[1869] Oh, really?

[1870] Yeah, your sex drive goes way down after menopause.

[1871] Well, not unlike the men who are on hormone replacement therapy, these gals might be getting a little juiced up in the estrogen department or something.

[1872] They might be, but I guess I'm wondering why.

[1873] But they still fuck.

[1874] They definitely still fuck.

[1875] Now, I don't know if it.

[1876] Sure, it might go down, but I don't know that it goes to zero.

[1877] It might not go to zero, but my assumption is the older you get, the more you're going towards zero.

[1878] Well, if you are a horny senior and you disagree with this assertion, please reach out to us at armchair, expert, whatever our handle is.

[1879] Yeah.

[1880] Yeah, and tell us that you're on fire.

[1881] That you have a pain in your lower groin area.

[1882] Yeah.

[1883] Okay, so you referred to lane splitting when you were a motorcycle messenger, and I know that that means you are driving in between the cars.

[1884] where the line is.

[1885] Yeah, the two, where the two lanes meet.

[1886] Yeah.

[1887] You're right.

[1888] I don't think people would know that around the country.

[1889] I didn't know that until you taught me. Yeah, and the rules really specific.

[1890] You're not actually allowed to ride on the line.

[1891] That's illegal.

[1892] The law is that you have to be sharing the lane.

[1893] So if they wanted to get you, they could get you for riding on the line.

[1894] Oh, so you're supposed to be next to the car.

[1895] So, that seems so close to the car.

[1896] that you're not even on the line?

[1897] I hate that.

[1898] You don't like it.

[1899] That sounds very dangerous.

[1900] Maybe this could be your cause.

[1901] You could go get that.

[1902] Should I start a charity about this?

[1903] Yes, to amend it.

[1904] Don't please don't get it taken away.

[1905] The only thing that makes me ever feel like a superhero is that ability to lane split in heavy traffic.

[1906] I think, oh my God, if I weren't a superhero, I'd have to sit in this for an hour and a half.

[1907] Yeah, like the rest of us mortals.

[1908] That's right.

[1909] Yeah.

[1910] But you guys, nothing's keeping you guys from getting motorbicycles.

[1911] Do you think I could go ride a motor cycle?

[1912] 100%.

[1913] I taught you how to play the drums in four minutes.

[1914] So, yeah, I think you probably could.

[1915] That's because I have a high aptitude for drumming.

[1916] Oh, because of rock band.

[1917] It's a coordination thing.

[1918] Rock band the game.

[1919] I would.

[1920] Well, fine.

[1921] Play some.

[1922] I play excite a bike for two weeks and then we'll get you on it.

[1923] I would never.

[1924] You can't say that.

[1925] I can and I am.

[1926] What have you retired in the outback in Australia?

[1927] And there's no risk of another car seeing one for days.

[1928] Just get on that open road.

[1929] Let the wind mess up that thick mane of yours.

[1930] No, because, see, there's more things to be scared of than just other cars.

[1931] It's like if I fall off the side and then the whole thing falls on me. Couldn't happen.

[1932] Yes, it could.

[1933] I walk by your motorcycles all the time and I'm like, this could easily fall on me. And crush you.

[1934] Yeah.

[1935] I feel so bad if I was in the backyard and I heard.

[1936] Help.

[1937] Help.

[1938] And I went into the garage and you were pinned under my Ducati.

[1939] Why would I be so quiet about it?

[1940] Because it would be on your lungs.

[1941] Minutes away from death?

[1942] Yes, just barely enough air to breathe and stay alive.

[1943] You would be so excited if you came out and you saved my life.

[1944] Of course I would.

[1945] I prefer, though, that someone was attacking you.

[1946] As you know, that's my dream.

[1947] You maybe have to get a little hurt.

[1948] Don't say that to these people.

[1949] Someone might do it.

[1950] I don't think anyone's that cuckoo.

[1951] Or if they are that cuckoo, I don't think they'll be able to deal with the logistics of finding us to set that up.

[1952] If you're going to attack me, please do it while Dax is in range.

[1953] Yeah, you can only have permission to attack Monica if I'm right there and can get involved immediately.

[1954] I would be so mad at you if I got attacked because you wanted it.

[1955] You're secretly wanting it.

[1956] I get it, though.

[1957] It's one of your fetishes.

[1958] fantasies.

[1959] Well, no, it's one of my erroneous, um, good qualities of mine that I think is a good quality that no one else thinks is.

[1960] I would put it more in a fantasy category of wanting to save people like that, like that, like an attack.

[1961] Yeah.

[1962] Like the quality is your protective, very high.

[1963] Right, right.

[1964] Which is, which is good.

[1965] But the fantasy is the protection.

[1966] Like mine, like nurturing is the quality.

[1967] Yeah.

[1968] Fantasy is all that other weird stuff.

[1969] It gets a little perverse.

[1970] It becomes a proclivity.

[1971] Correct.

[1972] Yeah, you're right.

[1973] I'm always hoping someone will just shove, Kristen.

[1974] Like, don't hit her.

[1975] I don't want her to get hit, but just a shove is enough for me to spring into action.

[1976] Sure.

[1977] Okay.

[1978] Also, don't shove her in public.

[1979] Are the Hopi Indian a sovereign nation?

[1980] The Hopi tribe is a sovereign nation located in northeastern Arizona.

[1981] The reservation occupies part of Navajo counties, encompassing more than 1 .5 million acres and is made up of 12 villages on three Mesa's.

[1982] His boarding school, Kent School, is based on an English school system.

[1983] He was talking about that a little bit, and it was founded by an Episcopal monk.

[1984] When the Reverend Frederick Herbert Sill, a graduate of Columbia University, opened Kent's doors in 1906, he had a lot of ideas about the educational value of service, the importance of respecting others and respecting oneself, and the connection between intellectual effort and spiritual reward.

[1985] Sounds like a good school.

[1986] Yeah, I like that creed.

[1987] Me too.

[1988] Boarding school is sexy.

[1989] for your fantasy of it like just a bunch of boys yeah or girls like whatever it is being away and having to spend the night oh well many many nights all the nights how does that fantasy play out like you're just you work at that school it's not really a it's not an active fantasy just the idea of it is sexy to me yeah yeah yeah i hear you said okay ted was talking about getting haze that was fine.

[1990] That was like part of the protocol as older boys could sort of haze younger boys.

[1991] And you called it Code Redding.

[1992] I didn't know what that meant, but that's from a few good men.

[1993] Is that what you're saying?

[1994] Yeah, it's a marine thing.

[1995] So it's a practice that's that you implement that's not, that's under the radar, that's unwritten so that there's plausible deniability.

[1996] Mm. Basically.

[1997] They beat someone up who's not fallen in line.

[1998] and they do it in a manner where they can plausibly deny it.

[1999] Pretty much.

[2000] I don't condone that.

[2001] Unless you're around and you can save the person.

[2002] Yeah, it would be worth me seeing someone get just a couple of hits with that pillowcase full of soap.

[2003] Sure, sure.

[2004] They'll be fine.

[2005] And then, yeah, I'll come in, swing into action, take two, three guys out.

[2006] And then that person who is getting code read it, they will look at me with a look that I'll probably never get to see.

[2007] Adoration.

[2008] Just gratitude and love and relief.

[2009] Relief, yeah.

[2010] Speaking of which, you know the thing about, what do they call those guys that they wear a trench coat and they're nude flashers.

[2011] I once read that it's not that they want you to see them naked.

[2012] They love the reaction on people's faces.

[2013] That's what they're getting off on.

[2014] Isn't that peculiar?

[2015] Yeah, I read about that, too.

[2016] It's so weird.

[2017] When I got in trouble for flashing.

[2018] You got to, no. Have you ever been flashed?

[2019] No. Not in a trench code.

[2020] I mean.

[2021] Have you ever seen someone's penis in public?

[2022] Yes.

[2023] But that's just like a guy who's lost his slacks and he doesn't even know what he's doing.

[2024] Yeah, he's like just a normal guy.

[2025] Right.

[2026] Got separated.

[2027] His brain is working completely normally.

[2028] But, yeah, he just happened to be on the street with.

[2029] no pants on.

[2030] Right.

[2031] Okay.

[2032] Yes, you see that a bunch here in L .A. Any psychological issues.

[2033] No, I have heard that.

[2034] And there's a similar weird psychology to voyeurism where it's like that.

[2035] Well, I'm a voyer for sure.

[2036] But yeah, for sure.

[2037] But not pathologically.

[2038] Not pathologically.

[2039] Like I'm not walking around my neighborhood trying to spy on people.

[2040] Right.

[2041] But when I've been in New York, I can stare at.

[2042] a window where I think someone's going to get naked for three hours and not get bored.

[2043] Wow.

[2044] Yeah, my patience all of a sudden goes through the roof.

[2045] I'm so impatient as a person.

[2046] But if I think someone's going to pass the window nude, I'm sit there all day.

[2047] So that's a voyeur, right?

[2048] No, maybe.

[2049] But I think that's just more your addiction to naked bodies.

[2050] Oh, okay.

[2051] I think voyeurism is really about like.

[2052] They don't know I'm watching them.

[2053] Yeah, but also fantasizing about being them, like being in that life.

[2054] Like a lot of them, you know, will watch like families be families through the window.

[2055] And it's like a, it's this like feeling of becoming that.

[2056] I'm just trying to see some dongs, some bush, or some boobs.

[2057] Or some buns.

[2058] Sure.

[2059] Hopefully some coitus.

[2060] You know, that would be the jackpot.

[2061] Oh, really?

[2062] If you were in New York and you looked across and you saw two people having sex and they had their windows fully open.

[2063] So you didn't really feel like, well, if they didn't want me to watch, they might shut their blinds.

[2064] So you had no ethical dilemma.

[2065] Okay.

[2066] Would you saddle up and watch the whole thing?

[2067] No. You wouldn't?

[2068] Interesting.

[2069] No, I would feel really, I would probably watch for a second and then I would feel like they forgot to close the blinds.

[2070] Like I would not feel like they're fine with it.

[2071] I would feel that if they looked over and saw me, they would be very upset.

[2072] Okay.

[2073] Now, how about this scenario?

[2074] I have an apartment in New York.

[2075] You're going to borrow it for the weekend.

[2076] I say to you, hey, warning, the neighbors are exhibitionists.

[2077] They love to have sex up against their window.

[2078] You're in there and then you catch that happening.

[2079] Do you watch?

[2080] I guess really the question is, would you like to watch?

[2081] Right.

[2082] People have sex where they couldn't see you, but you could see them.

[2083] I don't think I do.

[2084] Oh, okay.

[2085] No. Yeah.

[2086] I don't think I would.

[2087] Yeah.

[2088] Hmm.

[2089] Okay.

[2090] One time I was at a friend's house and we looked out the window and the house next door did not have blinds and it was very close like maybe two or three feet and no blinds and one of the girls was undressing and then and it felt so uncomfortable.

[2091] Uh -huh.

[2092] It was so uncomfortable that she, but also it was like she has no control over this because they clearly just don't have blinds.

[2093] They just moved into this place, but we can see her, and it's just so uncomfortable.

[2094] And then, of course, I moved into my place, and I didn't have blinds, and I was doing the exact same thing.

[2095] Mm -hmm.

[2096] Yeah.

[2097] Lucky neighbors.

[2098] I didn't care, because you just have to stop caring.

[2099] You can't keep going to the bathroom to change your clothes in your own house.

[2100] Yeah.

[2101] I guess.

[2102] Right?

[2103] Okay.

[2104] Ted acts like he is not smart.

[2105] And he just, like, stumbled his way into Stanford, which, okay, if he had just, if it was just that, I would have maybe believed him.

[2106] But then he also went to Carnegie Mellon.

[2107] And you cannot have gone to Stanford and Carnegie Mellon and be a dodo brain.

[2108] No. You have to be smart.

[2109] Yeah.

[2110] You just have to.

[2111] Yeah.

[2112] And he is smart.

[2113] We know that.

[2114] So he was lying to us.

[2115] So, yeah, he's not dumb.

[2116] He's a liar.

[2117] That's what we found out.

[2118] That's right.

[2119] He's a humongous liar.

[2120] The kids do that all the time where they're like, Delta will be like, Lincoln said the water was by the chimney and it's actually by the couch.

[2121] She lied to me. Like it's on purpose.

[2122] Right.

[2123] Oh, so funny.

[2124] You said we had Lincoln at 38.

[2125] Just to clarify, you were 38.

[2126] Kristen was 33.

[2127] Yeah.

[2128] How many episodes of Cheers were there and how many did Jimmy Burroughs director?

[2129] 275 episodes of Cheers and he is credited as directing 237 of those.

[2130] Wow.

[2131] Yeah.

[2132] That's crazy.

[2133] And for people who don't know, he is an icon.

[2134] Jim Burroughs.

[2135] Yeah.

[2136] He's directed a lot of like the biggest television.

[2137] Yeah, if you're interested, which you're not.

[2138] But the bottom line is the way that shows get on the air is that the networks make pilots and they generally make way more pilots than are going to get ordered to series.

[2139] So when they go out to shoot those pilots during pilot season, they're trying their hardest to get the director that's going to most secure their chance of getting picked up to series.

[2140] And by far, I think Jimmy Burroughs is directed more pilots that have been taken to series than anyone else.

[2141] He's highly coveted.

[2142] And the drama side, it's Tommy Shlamy and Nutter, David Nutter maybe, where they've both taken like, I don't know, 13 or 14 shows to series.

[2143] But if you're one of those turkeys who can get a show, put on the air as a series you're in hot hot demand yeah that's right that's it that's it yep all right tomorrow we have tomorrow we have darcy oh sweet darcy's tomorrow darcy cardin very fun time with darcy yeah well i thank papa ted for coming in and talk to us and i thank you from the bottom of my heart soulmaid monica padman thank you jack shepherd for keeping this ship straight and narrow I try.

[2144] Keeping the facts on the front burner.

[2145] I love you.

[2146] Love you.

[2147] Hey, I heard you're about to go meet with the Sonos person to get your shit dialed in.

[2148] Good luck with that.

[2149] Thank you.

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