#223 - Bobcat Goldthwait

[0] We were talking about the Bachelorette party, the bane of the comedy thing.

[1] But I had a group of women in Sioux City, Sioux Falls.

[2] I can't remember which one.

[3] But came in late, sat in, took over the whole show, just wouldn't shut up, you know.

[4] And I do my stock lines about quieting people down, and they're not going to, and they're going to make it all about themselves the whole night.

[5] And it got to the point where the crowds are they going, you know, kick them out and stuff.

[6] And then finally, like, I have this rage that I don't love or I'm proud of, but, you know, it's there.

[7] And so, so finally I go, okay, you want the show to be about you, you know, and it's like, blah.

[8] And I really don't know what I'm saying during that.

[9] I'm serious.

[10] It's just like, wha, you know.

[11] Sangre.

[12] Just rage, pure rage.

[13] Yeah.

[14] And so I stop because the crowd's cheering.

[15] Because, by the way, like a comedy club, people love tension.

[16] They love conflict.

[17] You know what I mean?

[18] A bar is never empty because he said, hey, two guys are getting along in the parking lot.

[19] Let's watch.

[20] So the crowd's cheering And then I go back And I start doing my act And all of a sudden One of the women in the middle of the group Stads up and she's sobbing And she goes I'm not a whore It's my birthday Oh my God Because apparently In the middle of the diet I called her a whore And I don't remember it Wow I'm not a whore It's my birthday That's a good t -shirt Maybe that'll be my That's gonna be my Get or done That's gonna be my I'll be selling them after it shows I'm not a hoar it's my birthday I hold a t -shirt up at the end of my set it is bizarre how many people that think that they have like some license to be a cunt because it's their birthday it's just so weird it's my birthday weekend too it's not just one day anymore it's like the whole week and guys do it also like I saw a guy the other day It was his birthday, and I'm like, when's your birthday?

[21] I don't want to say who the comic is.

[22] And he's just like, oh, it was Wednesday.

[23] And I'm like, you're telling everyone to buy these shots.

[24] It's Friday.

[25] Your birthday was two days ago.

[26] You're a grown man. What the hell is wrong with you?

[27] How weird is it to get super excited, A, about your birthday, but B, about, like, the days around it.

[28] Right.

[29] Your birthday weekend?

[30] What the fuck?

[31] I had a birthday Saturday, and that was, it's depressing.

[32] I turned 50, but everybody always thinks I'm a lot older, right?

[33] They always think, yeah.

[34] because I know I'm not aging gracefully, but people always think I'm a lot older.

[35] But I got on Letterman when I was 20.

[36] Wow.

[37] So I've been doing this for a long time, yeah.

[38] Boston?

[39] Boston, by way, but I also started like in Syracuse.

[40] And then and then I moved to Boston when I was like 18.

[41] You were a part of that crazy time period of Boston comedy.

[42] Boston comedy, like if you look back, all the great comedians that came out of that one town.

[43] Yeah, I mean, it's really incredible.

[44] Stephen Wright and Jay Leno and, you know, I mean, there's so many guys, Lenny Clark, there were so many great guys that came out of Boston.

[45] When I was there, it was Steve Wright and Paula Poundstone.

[46] Well, a lot of guys are still there like Tony V and Barry Crimson.

[47] Kenny Rogers and Mike Donovan.

[48] Sweeney.

[49] Yeah, all those guys.

[50] It was a really, really, really crazy part.

[51] But I didn't realize it that I guess it wasn't that crazy in other cities.

[52] It must have been, right?

[53] I don't know.

[54] I mean, I think that was, I think that spot, your spot in the 80s.

[55] Was it like, it was like early 80s?

[56] Yeah.

[57] Yeah, that was like the, I think that was like the best spot ever in the country.

[58] I don't think there's ever been that many great comedians that came out of one spot.

[59] A lot of them that people don't even know about.

[60] But the majority of the comedy clubs at that time in Boston were kind of ran and booked by the comics.

[61] So that's why.

[62] And like if you were derivative of someone else, you would get kind of iced out of the scene.

[63] stuff so you yeah you're you had a really original group it was a very original group but it was really insane i remember being like with uh i don't know if well he would tell a story like this but i remember like i don't drink or take drugs and people don't know that because because i always seem like i'm fucked up anyways you know you don't do anything no no and i haven't since i was 19 wow so all those crazy performances that you did you were completely stoned sober yeah it makes them ever more impressive and frightening.

[64] It's like, you know what kind of, I think it's weird is like people will blame drugs for that stuff.

[65] And it's like, when you're on drugs, you don't scream and run around.

[66] Do you know what kind of drugs are you on?

[67] Like, what makes you do that?

[68] You know what I mean?

[69] But, yeah, but I think like really straight people assume that that's what happens when you're on drugs.

[70] You know what I mean?

[71] Right.

[72] That's funny.

[73] Yeah, you're like a fake drugged out guy.

[74] Yeah.

[75] Yeah, like when Charlie Sheen was having his manic episodes, instead of feeling bad for the guy, everybody was like going, oh, he's on drugs, you know, that's someone who's a huge nerd that's never done drugs, saying that he's on drugs, you know, it's like, when you're on drugs, you don't go, I need a press conference, you know, you're on drugs, you stay in, you're in the closet thinking black helicopters are flying over.

[76] You're hiding under the couch.

[77] Yeah, I mean, if you're having bad experiences on drugs, I think that's why people don't think I'm sober either, because.

[78] because I'm not one of these annoying people that thinks people shouldn't be on drugs, you know.

[79] I, you know, I'm not against them.

[80] I just, I blew it, you know what I mean?

[81] But I feel uncomfortable around people who don't drink or take drugs.

[82] That's funny.

[83] You know what I mean?

[84] Right.

[85] Well, I think that's part of growing up doing comedy where I did, too, or the life I grew up as a kid.

[86] But I remember being in Boston, and this is when I still did drink and doing drugs.

[87] I was doing, I remember that I'm embarrassed as something.

[88] say I was doing coke because coke is so douchey you know what I mean it's the axe cologne of drugs you know it's like yeah and and and it was like 435 in the morning maybe even earlier it was earlier because what we had what we had done is had all the windows at the dingho cardboard boxes so people so the light couldn't come in and it's just like all these comics drinking and partying and it's like the door swings open what time was it it's what time you mean yeah in the day yeah yeah it was like morning because when the door swung open all the sunlight poured in and these cops like backlit fill the door and I'm like wow I'm going to jail and then the cops are like Lenny Lenny you fucking prick how are you yeah I just sat down and started drinking and partying with us oh that's hilarious and I was like 18 years ago I'm going to jail oh this is my scene and blow yeah this is the best scene ever You know, it's funny, when I was in Blow, the night before, I had some sort of cold, and I couldn't feel my nose, and I was like, oh, this is what it was like to do, Coke.

[89] You know, I, you know, so I ad -lib the line in this movie.

[90] What was the wig budget on this movie?

[91] I ad -lib the line, I can't feel my face, which, uh...

[92] Yes?

[93] It was, uh, it's very...

[94] 150?

[95] Fuck me running.

[96] 160?

[97] Jesus Christ.

[98] A hundred and 70?

[99] 180, 100.

[100] 187.

[101] Where did you get this stuff?

[102] Columbia.

[103] Oh, uh, do you mind if I do online?

[104] Yeah, go ahead.

[105] Fuck it, let's all do one.

[106] Do you imagine doing coke with pee -wee?

[107] It was, uh, we're doing baby laxative here.

[108] Oh, really?

[109] Yeah.

[110] So you just shit a lot.

[111] What I tell you, Derek?

[112] I shat a willow tree.

[113] It's great.

[114] Uh, what am I solicit?

[115] to do with all this.

[116] Sell it.

[117] Jesus Christ, George.

[118] I don't see you in two years and you show up at my fucking door with 110 pounds a blow.

[119] Just fucking sell it, Derek.

[120] All right.

[121] But it's going to take me a year.

[122] I can't feel my face.

[123] I mean, I can touch it, but I can't feel it inside.

[124] So that's the scene.

[125] I actually, you know, when I said, where did you get this?

[126] Johnny Depp actually had lived a funny line.

[127] He goes, my dentist.

[128] But it was funny because he turns out he's a very funny guy.

[129] But I did say this when I was filming that scene.

[130] And it became in my stand -up.

[131] I hate to be corny and do a story from my stand -up, but it is true.

[132] I didn't really know those guys that well at all.

[133] And I go, is anybody in this scene not on probation?

[134] And Johnny Depp's like, what did you do?

[135] I go, I said the Tonight Show on Fire.

[136] And he's like, yeah, why'd you do that?

[137] I go, I don't know, I thought it was funny.

[138] And then I'm like, you smashed up that hotel.

[139] He goes, yeah, I go, were you drunk?

[140] And Johnny Depp is funny.

[141] He goes, in my defense, the hotel room made the first move.

[142] And this is a true story, because then I looked over at Paul Rubens and he's just trying to ignore the conversation.

[143] It wasn't like, hey, yeah, I rubbed one out.

[144] That is a weird rock and roll thing that trashed the hotel room thing.

[145] You know, have accountants pay for it all.

[146] But I've always felt like during there was a period where I was trashing television shows, you know, and it was just, I had the same kind of frustration and rage.

[147] And I thought, well, if I do it at a holiday inn, you know, big deal.

[148] Why don't I do it on a TV show?

[149] That's kind of funny, at least.

[150] I know that makes no sense to you.

[151] You're looking at me. You look like the RCA Victor dog just then staring at me. I mean, I kind of see your point.

[152] But I don't, I mean, I don't see the point of doing hotel rooms.

[153] I've never understood it.

[154] I'm just smashing shit and like, what are you doing?

[155] That's just...

[156] Out of boredom.

[157] You're hitting the roof.

[158] But it's so stupid to me. It's just so childish.

[159] Well, for me, I couldn't do that because I'd be afraid of waking up people next door.

[160] I'm serious.

[161] Like, I have no problems setting the Tonight Show or, yeah, or smashing up the Artinio Hall show.

[162] But the idea of, I don't want to put somebody else out.

[163] Did you, you smashed Arsenio Hall shows, too?

[164] What did you do there?

[165] Yeah, way crazier than the Tonight Show.

[166] Really?

[167] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[168] Because he got fired, you know, because of they put Chevy Chase on in 70 markets in front of them.

[169] So Paramount kind of fucked him over.

[170] So I went out and I said, are you really quitting?

[171] It was like the week or two before.

[172] And he goes, yeah.

[173] And I go, well, let's not make it easy on them, you know.

[174] So I spray painted Paramount sucks on the backdrop from big letters.

[175] And then I started throwing the couches into the audience and the crowd was going crazy.

[176] Oh, and then I remember I took a television set monitor and just threw it and then put my work boots through the back of it.

[177] Jesus Christ.

[178] Which is way more expensive than anything I did on the tonight show.

[179] But yeah, so then they like tell Arsenio like get him.

[180] And so he wrestles me down and as he's got me on the ground, he goes, thank you, man. What?

[181] Well, because it was such a colossal fuck you.

[182] And then like, you know, a week later, Jay had booked me on the tonight show, you know, which and he came in the.

[183] the dressing room and he's like you know don't don't smash up too much stuff you know because because they were hoping and I'd do something fucked up now I'm not blaming them I mean I was an asshole but you felt like that was a bit of the green light oh yeah I mean I knew that I was on there to do something screwy but but you know what made it arson was that I actually had the this lighter a barbecue lighter taped to my wrist like I was like that's what made it arson?

[184] Yeah, because it meant that it was, uh, predeterminal, yeah, exactly.

[185] Yeah, it was like, a taxi driver, you know, the, do you, didn't worry about doing, were you worried when he did that?

[186] Lighting things on fire?

[187] No, I mean, because I knew it'd burn clean and the lighter fluid and stuff.

[188] And then I also had a buddy, I said, you know, stand next to this fire extinguisher if it gets out of control.

[189] But, but, but, you know, uh, I don't mean to make this my hook because I've talked about it on another podcast, but, but I guess it's good to clean, clear.

[190] the air, you know?

[191] Right.

[192] But, um, I don't know.

[193] People think like I was banned from the Tonight Show, but they had me on immediately right after.

[194] And it was, you know, it was weird, what was weird was, see, it is a lot bigger than I always try to make out.

[195] I go, it's at the little fire.

[196] Jesus Christ.

[197] Well, that's because I'm squirting lighter fluid right there.

[198] Why, why, why did you do that?

[199] I love that.

[200] I've, I've, I've, I've listened to the show to get ready.

[201] And this is, you're like, speechless twice now.

[202] You're just looking at, why?

[203] I mean, I guess you're pissed off.

[204] But, I mean, I guess, you know what it is?

[205] You're, you're, you're, I don't know.

[206] I mean, I think maybe you're too hippie.

[207] You know what I mean?

[208] I think it's funny, you know, you're the mixed martial artist guy, and I've got more rage, which is really weird.

[209] It's probably just because I exercise it.

[210] So you get it all out.

[211] Yeah, I get it all out physically.

[212] So, you know, what about laying on stage?

[213] Do you ever snap?

[214] Very rarely.

[215] I mean, if I do, it's for fun.

[216] And I don't, you know what I mean?

[217] Like, like, I'm not real.

[218] No, it's like, that's like part of what, you know, to shut someone up, you have to get into a rage.

[219] But am I actually enraged?

[220] No, I'm just doing what I have to do to keep the show rolling.

[221] Yeah.

[222] Well, I feel more pity for people like that than anything at this point.

[223] What, like a heckler?

[224] Yeah, heckler.

[225] Just anyone who just, you know, completely over, overanxious to get attention, and just obnoxious, moronic.

[226] I feel bad for them.

[227] I feel bad that people are at that stage in their life where they're just so fucking stupid.

[228] They want to yell out in the middle of a show and interrupt.

[229] But what about when it's like, when, look, when they do that and they make it so you can't do your act?

[230] Then you have to go after them.

[231] Right.

[232] I try not to be actually angry, though.

[233] Yeah.

[234] If that makes any sense.

[235] You know?

[236] No, I understand.

[237] It's like what I was saying, like that rage.

[238] It's like a switch.

[239] It's like a tool that I have that I'm not proud of, but unfortunately, it doesn't really boil up in my real life.

[240] I do think people think that I might be out of control in the rest of my life, but I don't think I am.

[241] Why do you laugh?

[242] Well, you seem very friendly.

[243] I don't think of you as a guy that would be, like, filled with rage.

[244] I think of you as a guy who probably would have rage if you felt like someone was fucking with you.

[245] Yeah.

[246] And it's corny and played out, and I really don't have any patience for bullying, which I hate that term now.

[247] Like, people use it so it doesn't mean the same thing.

[248] But yeah, I don't like bullies, bullies, ever since I was a little boy, you know.

[249] But if you think that the world should be a just place, you do spin out a lot, you know.

[250] I mean, so, I mean, you know, I don't know.

[251] I think, and I don't actually, I'm not helping my case.

[252] because we talked a little bit about my new movie.

[253] If people see that, they think I'm angry too, you know.

[254] It's, okay, so spoiler, maybe a baby does get shot in the first two minutes.

[255] Oh, Jesus.

[256] Look, it's not a real baby, Joe.

[257] I know, but that's a, I mean, seeing a baby get shot, whoa, that is intense.

[258] Well, in my defense, that baby was an asshole.

[259] No, it's a baby, it's a, well, there's the trailer, but I think some, Someone's posted the clip of the baby getting shot.

[260] Do you know Brian Holtzman?

[261] No. Stand -up comic.

[262] He's one of these guys that's probably one of the funniest guys ever, but for whatever reason, he can never get it together enough to get like a career and stand -up.

[263] When Susan Smith drowned her kids, he came into the comedy story and he goes, I heard those were bad kids.

[264] He goes, I heard they sat that close to the television, they never put away their blocks.

[265] They're constantly spilling those milk.

[266] The kids will not be missed.

[267] It was everybody's like, holy shit.

[268] And if you see him, he's like a really big intense guy with slick back hair and, you know, he stands right in front of the mind.

[269] It was one of the funniest fucking things I ever saw anybody say.

[270] Now, do you think he means that?

[271] No, no. Yeah, I mean, because I've done that where I've gone over the line and I've said things that I don't believe and it made me feel bad later.

[272] Yeah.

[273] Like, I opened for Nirvana and, uh...

[274] Wow.

[275] And I know comics are always like, oh, you know, getting heckled and stuff, you know, I mean, I got, hit with teenagers.

[276] They would successfully throw people from the pit and hit me. And I had M80s going off around me. Oh my God.

[277] And I get hit with Bibles a lot too, which was weird.

[278] Wow.

[279] Yeah.

[280] And so boots and stuff.

[281] I learned like the, I learned like the serpentine.

[282] You know, I mean, I would just go back.

[283] How many times did you open for them?

[284] I did, I think, like 16, 17 shows.

[285] Wow.

[286] And every once in a while I would go okay, which was weird, you know.

[287] But I was more comfortable when it was whole.

[288] horrible.

[289] I know that sounds weird, but that was my, that felt right to me. Do you know what I mean?

[290] You felt like that's he deserved.

[291] No, I just thought it's kind of funny, you know, like when you get laughs, that means the crowd likes you.

[292] When you get like rage, that means you have all of their attention.

[293] Do you know what I mean?

[294] Right.

[295] Like Robin Williams is my good friend, right?

[296] And Robin, you know, he goes on stage and people love them and then I would go on after them when we do sets and in a weird way it meant more for me for people to go oh Robin Williams showed up last night yeah and then Bobcat Goldaute was there you know what that fucking asshole said you know like in a weird way that meant more to me you know his form of neuroses is way more lucrative you know mine telling people the fuck off isn't as lucrative but yeah so I was opening for Nirvana in Chicago and Michael Jordan had retired from basketball and I went hey Chicago And by the way, they hated me to begin with.

[297] But I go, hey, Chicago, I feel bad.

[298] But, you know, for $40 million a year, I'd shoot my own dad in the fucking head, you know.

[299] Oh, God.

[300] And there was a noise that wasn't even like a boo.

[301] It was just like, like fuck you.

[302] I wish I had that sampled.

[303] It was the best noise ever.

[304] What did you think at that moment when you had that noise?

[305] I kind of thought it was funny.

[306] You know, but I did, you know, I don't have a beef with Michael Jordan.

[307] I felt bad.

[308] I mean, even though, because people, just because they're super famous doesn't mean they're still not human.

[309] So I did, I go, why did I do that?

[310] But, you know, so you live and you learn.

[311] It's baby steps.

[312] But the only person laughing that night really was, I remember walking by Kurt behind the amp, and he goes, I can't believe you said that.

[313] But, yeah, I had met Nirvana.

[314] I met Kurt before they broke.

[315] He was a fan of mine and wanted to interview me. So he interviewed me at a college radio station in Ann Arbor.

[316] I know that blows people's mind.

[317] It's like finding out that like Jimmy Hendricks really loved Buddy Hackett or something.

[318] But, but, yeah.

[319] I bet he did.

[320] I bet he did.

[321] I love that talking duck movie.

[322] It blew my mind.

[323] Wow.

[324] That's insane.

[325] That's pretty fucking cool.

[326] So, yeah, so I toured in the open form.

[327] I repelled a nude from the roof of the Oakland Coliseum on New Year's when with them because they were playing there and uh and uh yeah are you did you meet cordy were you around cordy yeah a little bit yeah did you see their relationship yeah i mean what i saw actually i don't have any uh any good dirt for people they they seem to like each other i'm not you know i i uh you know i i think people you know people get involved in all this crazy conspiracy stuff and all that stuff i think what happens with some things and i know where I am when I'm talking about crazy conspiracy, but sometimes I think, like, huge tragedies happen, and people can't justify them, so they have to make up some other thing.

[328] You know what I'm saying?

[329] I think sometimes it's just, you know, I, you know, Kurt was a really sweet guy, but he certainly was a manic depressive.

[330] And I almost think, like, again, when we were talking about drugs earlier, people were talking about drugs, it's like, like, that killed him.

[331] It's like, well, that didn't really kill him, you know, he had some in his system when he died, but he, he cleaned up enough to commit suicide.

[332] You know, there's some people that are chemically imbalanced, or there's some people that are prone to suicide, and I think blaming drugs is really lazy, you know.

[333] Well, it certainly upsets the balance, though, right?

[334] I mean, I...

[335] It's weird, I'm 30 years sober, and I'm saying this, but, you know, I think it's just easy to blame drugs.

[336] Well, yeah, I see what you're saying.

[337] I mean, it's a personal choice, right?

[338] I mean, to get addicted in the first place.

[339] Yeah, but I don't think all addictions.

[340] Look, I don't think heroin kills.

[341] I think running out of heroin kills.

[342] So what does heroin do?

[343] You know.

[344] Not good, but whatever.

[345] Well, look, the only time I've been high, high in the past 30 years, I had back surgery and I was on Dilaudid.

[346] And I'll tell you what, I certainly didn't have any suicidal thoughts that fucking week and a half.

[347] What was it?

[348] It was beautiful.

[349] Was it beautiful?

[350] Yeah, it was really, I'm not going to lie.

[351] And it's essentially like an opium -like experience.

[352] Yeah, my wife came home and I was crying, watching Lifetime.

[353] Oh, my God.

[354] I've never told this story.

[355] Oh, my God.

[356] And I'm just sobbing, going, but, uh, watching a lifetime show, uh, uh, Marky Post, is they're going to take away your son?

[357] And, uh, and she's like, and my wife goes, you don't get any more delighted.

[358] I was just crying.

[359] Oh.

[360] Oh, that sounds awesome.

[361] That would have been great to videotaping.

[362] No wonder why people like those fucking pills, man. Is that what Oxy -Gotones are like?

[363] Is that the same thing?

[364] I don't know.

[365] I never did it, but I'm assuming it is.

[366] It's all opiates, yeah.

[367] Scared of that shit.

[368] Yeah, it's bad times, man. Because it's the, it's the need and the getting off of them, which are horrible.

[369] I've heard.

[370] I don't know why we're talking so much about drugs today, but it's all right.

[371] Do you have any, did you document your time with Nirvana at all or with Kurt or anything?

[372] Like at that time, did you have like a little video camcorder that you kept around?

[373] No, I have, I have seen a photo of me nude behind him on stage with, I have the in utero wings on.

[374] And I'm naked with a repelling little thing.

[375] And then I love the fact, and I also have a hat on.

[376] I like that.

[377] I don't mind people seeing my dick when my love handles, but not my balding pate, you know.

[378] So I've got a hat on.

[379] And I will say this.

[380] If you're a comedian and performing, you're going to be nude publicly.

[381] Give it a tug.

[382] You'll thank me later because, yeah, it was cold.

[383] I really wish I did pull my dick.

[384] How many photos are there of that out there?

[385] Surprising, not a ton.

[386] What year was this?

[387] This was in the mid -90s, I'm guessing, right?

[388] Did they even have digital cameras on?

[389] Oh, now it would have been everybody's phone.

[390] Yeah.

[391] But still, I mean, it wasn't hot.

[392] It was just weird.

[393] You know, there was so much mayhem going on stage, too, by that way, because it was midnight, you know, fireworks were going off.

[394] It was just like, oh, yeah, and there's Bob Scratch Goldfarb nude walking around like a chair of him.

[395] I was, we were going to, the way that it was set up, the, it was mid, you know, New Year's, so they wanted to do an extra thing where there's explosions.

[396] And I remember saying that Kurt, I said, you know, you know, I go, fuck you, man. I'm tired of being your scatter.

[397] That was Elvis's chimp, you know.

[398] I go, fuck you, man. I don't want to cheer you up, you know, go call Polly Shore or something, you know.

[399] So when we set up the thing about me repelling, the guy took a cold, the stage manager took cold cuts and he built the stage out of the, out of the food tray in the back, and he's like, okay, here's where Chris is, here's Dave, here's Kurt, and Bob's going to repel in nude, and these M &Ms are where the explosives are.

[400] And so I'm, so they go, Kurt, we'll tell you when it's midnight, you count, back from 10 or whatever you know and okay so so it's midnight and they give him the signal and he looks up and I'm holding my own weight like rappelling down but I stop you know so he can count and so I'm giving him the brown eye basically from 150 feet up and he goes he looks up and he goes hey Oakland you want to hear a drum solo and so I can barely can hold my own way and then finally he just goes one and I and I shot down really fast I had rope burns on my ass and stomach and I landed right behind him bam and then I came down so fast he actually didn't see it and then he looks up and he's like Polly Polly so and so then I ducked behind this amp looking for cover because they were supposed to even my clothes were supposed to be there but someone had taken him as a joke you know and so I just kind of had to stand in the middle of stage because everywhere there was bombs going off.

[401] I learned this.

[402] If you're nude at midnight, you don't get a kiss.

[403] Like, everywhere I went, people were like, whoa, nude guy walking around, a little weird.

[404] So, yeah, so again, all this is in sobriety.

[405] Wow.

[406] That's hilarious.

[407] No one would have assumed.

[408] I would always, I always thought you definitely were, at least a weed guy.

[409] No, what it is, is like, often I see something and I go, well this this is never going to happen again so I got to Carpe Diem man you know I got to I got to seize the moment you know when things align you have to light the couch on fire you got to light that couch on fire you got to dry hump Michael Bolton like once I was it he dry humped Michael Bolton yeah he was he was singing and it was his benefit and he was the headliner yeah and uh and so I just see him and I'm like well I'm never going to have this kind of access to Michael Bolton again so I walk out behind him and I just grabbed him I just started dry humping him and his crew tackled me they dragged me off stage and the guy's like what the fuck is wrong with you and I thought it'd be funny he's like just get out of here man I go well tell Michael I'm sorry does this mean no softball tomorrow and he's like just get out of here man so I walked and ran actually around the whole auditorium and came up through the other side and I started booking out again but I got tackled that time I didn't make it to him I got like I didn't even get back to That's the kick drum.

[410] Did they hurt you?

[411] No, no, no. Because they're used to grabbing, you know, chubby Catholic women and tackling them, you know.

[412] They're not like, you know, that's the threat at a Michael Bolton concert.

[413] Well, you would think, though, that security would want to kick your ass for doing something like that.

[414] Yeah, but it was his security.

[415] So they were, yeah, they were kid gloves.

[416] How bad ass is Michael Bolton security?

[417] I don't know.

[418] I hope they'd see chicks would go crazy for that guy.

[419] They had bow and arrows.

[420] I bet for real, man. He probably had a really hard time.

[421] I'm keeping crazy chicks away from him in his prime.

[422] He's not like the stones at Altmont hiring the Hells Angels, the kickass.

[423] Right.

[424] Some of those clerical workers are going to give us a lot of strife today, guys.

[425] Clerical workers.

[426] Yeah, he represents like, he's the singing version of those really great -looking guys that are like paintings on the cover of those really stupid romance books.

[427] The romance novels.

[428] Yeah, with the guy's flowing long hair.

[429] Yeah, Fabio kind of thing.

[430] Exactly, the Fabio kind of guy.

[431] I see Fabio a woman.

[432] It's a man woman hybrid thing.

[433] You know, the long hair like that.

[434] I mean, you see what they're doing?

[435] I mean, what men do you know that have like open chested shirts and they have long flowing hair?

[436] Like that's a ridiculous.

[437] You're, that's partly a woman.

[438] That's what they're looking for.

[439] They're looking for some weird amalgamation of man and woman.

[440] The uber romantic that doesn't exist in an actual man. But is that guy going to have sex with the woman?

[441] Do you know what I'm saying?

[442] When she wants it, on her terms.

[443] Oh, okay.

[444] It's not like a pirate.

[445] It's just like...

[446] No, no, no. He's super romantic.

[447] It's like he just lives only for her.

[448] See, this is why this Twilight thing worked.

[449] The, what women found it to be a romance film.

[450] I mean, it really wasn't a vampire movie.

[451] Well, and I mean, that's the American Idol thing.

[452] It's guys who are non -threatening the old ladies and young girls.

[453] But I think when a woman grows up, she wants to get laid.

[454] She wants to get fucked.

[455] She doesn't want...

[456] Some do.

[457] And they retain.

[458] the need for intense amounts of romance in an almost fictional form and that's where it bounces out in these these twilight sort of things where we don't understand it and we're going what the fuck is going on and yet you're seeing flocks of women lining up to by these books but i find that those women are really arrested i i don't i don't yeah they're very arrested they're very immature you know i mean i don't in a certain way or that's just what they like and they indulge it Yeah, but do you think there's older women that are like that?

[459] I don't know.

[460] I would assume there's probably some.

[461] I don't know.

[462] I want to know the ages on that.

[463] So what you're thinking is that as they get wiser and older, that seems more and more ridiculous.

[464] Yeah, the idea of running off and with some pirate with sexy hair.

[465] I don't think it's that they really want to do that.

[466] You know, I don't think it's like they would really run off with a vampire.

[467] They love reading the story about the woman who runs.

[468] runs off with the vampire.

[469] But all that, she's the one for him.

[470] I don't know anything about the Twilights.

[471] I don't know too much.

[472] Outside that they were a Mormon version of the thing, the woman that was a Mormon.

[473] So she didn't even know too much about the vampire culture, I believe.

[474] The woman who wrote it?

[475] Yeah, yeah.

[476] Well, she made up a bunch of shit.

[477] Like, they can even be in the sunlight.

[478] They just sparkle.

[479] What the fuck is that?

[480] They're supposed to die like instantly.

[481] That's not a real vampire.

[482] Fake.

[483] That's bullshit.

[484] That's bullshit.

[485] They burst in the flames.

[486] I don't you see Blade?

[487] What makes me more of a nerd that I'm upset?

[488] That is so bullshit.

[489] That's not real vampires.

[490] I got upset at Blade because they got away with the sun thing with sunscreen.

[491] I'm like, that is fucking ridiculous.

[492] That's as lazy as fuck.

[493] That's bullshit.

[494] Yeah, this is total bullshit.

[495] You can't fucking wear sunscreen, bitch.

[496] I'm calling bullshit on Blade.

[497] 100 % bullshit.

[498] Well, again, yeah, I guess that's a sensitive vampire.

[499] But that's at least better to me. I'll take the sunscreen over, they sparkle.

[500] Like, you can't just reinvent the vampire.

[501] I guess you can, I mean, but...

[502] No, you can't.

[503] That's ridiculous.

[504] But, I mean, there's, you know, I mean, what universe do they really exist in anyways?

[505] You know, I would not know anything about what would make a lucrative story.

[506] I think they should just...

[507] I don't think you understand.

[508] I saw shakes the cloud and I fucking loved it, dude.

[509] My movies make hundreds of dollars.

[510] Hundreds of dollars.

[511] So I have Shakespeare the Cloud And then I did a movie called Windy City Heat That one I didn't write But that's when I directed and kind of Help put all the pieces together With Don Barris I still haven't watched that Seriously?

[512] And then there's World's Greatest Dad Is the movie I did with Robin Williams No?

[513] I didn't see World's Great's Dad Again he's staring No I saw Shakespeare the clown though I loved it Well these movies Shakes is a fucked up movie That's a very angry movie And every once in a while, like Tom Kenney and I went to a screening.

[514] Tom Kenny plays Benke the Evil Clown is now the voice of SpongeBob.

[515] So I always think Nickelodeon probably doesn't really, they're not really thrilled.

[516] Yeah, I'm sure Nickelodeon is on, hey, you know the guy who's doing Coke and killing people with juggling pins?

[517] Yeah, that's our, that's our cornerstone.

[518] Yeah, so SpongeBob, I've known Tom Kenney says that I was six years old.

[519] But so Tommy was Benke the Clown.

[520] I were watching shakes at this thing and it was just packed with people and they were dressed as the characters and there was clown horrors there and everything.

[521] It was really strange and people were really fucked up and then the middle of it Tom Kenney leans over to me. He goes, what the fuck were we thinking?

[522] And I'm like, I don't know, man. It was like that Star Trek sketch on SNL.

[523] You know what I mean?

[524] These people were really passionate about it and I'm like, get a life.

[525] I didn't say that.

[526] I was very nice to them.

[527] I was a junior in high school, and Shakespeare's the clown was the first independent movie.

[528] I didn't know what independent movies were, and that was the first movie that I had to go to a different movie theater than I was used to, you know, like off the AMC in cinema.

[529] And I watched it, and it was my favorite movie in high school growing up.

[530] And what was weird about Shakespeare's the Con, have you ever gone back to, like, do like a commentary on it or anything like that?

[531] that i'd like to do that and get everybody together uh because i mean there's a ton of comics in that movie yeah it's not just robin but there's like adam sandler and and uh blake clark and i i might do that like get it like a case of beer and get us all together and do it as a podcast if you ever want to use the studios and do a podcast you can always use desk card and there we go and then how many people would actually sink it up though i think a lot of people we do we do it a lot of times with uhcc's and like TV shows and stuff like that but I think like a lot of these movies would be great to just go back and revisit as some kind of you know yeah and you know what that would be a cool um video to release online of you doing that and I bet it would really pump up the DVD sales well shakes uh I I don't have a problem revisiting it I I'm wondering if I remember many of the stories uh but I I do remember I ended up on the today show with a real clown debating the program oh no yeah because clowns were protesting it they were mad yeah yeah yeah and so i just bait the guy before we go on i'm like what's your name and he's like i'm bamboozle i'm like no dude what's your real name he's like i'm in my clown attire so call me by my clown name oh okay bamboozle i'm gonna rip you a new one when we get out there so we get on tv and katy kirk says this was her worst interview ever so we get on tv and she's like going yeah the clowns like clowns do a lot of good for a lot of good causes and bobcats film portrays them in a negative like and I go nobody thinks you're funny the only reason you perform in hospitals because that's one place a kid can't get up and run away from you and then Katie Kirk's like would you please be serious?

[532] I was like no you're interviewing me in a clown so would you please be serious about this very important issue of clown abuse clown abuse so so I like the fact that my dad actually was always like saying what did you do to Katie Kirk because she says you were the worst interview like she had he had her back not much how could that be the worst interview if that's the worst energy you've ever had yeah and this is someone who at the time was probably interviewing the back street boys and stuff but so me because i came out in character was the worst thing she had ever seen the worst thing ever he ruined my month well because i also it was my birthday month i think because i also she wasn't familiar with me and i think i suck her puncher because i think she met me and i was like oh hi and then i came out and i was like ra oh i see yeah yeah yeah so she expected you what to have some sort of a rational debate or she couldn't switch gears yeah yeah yeah realize you were in character i guess i'd be wigged out like if i didn't know me and i met the guy and then i come out and i'm like how did you create that character where did that come from um i just never felt comfortable doing traditional stand -up you know so the idea of just doing this guy who was i was uncomfortable on stage so just to be nervous you know like my early stand -up would just be me reading a dear John letter and crying, a real dear John letter.

[533] And then, because they go, hey, please welcome, come me, Bob, I go out of it, and then I go, and you want to hear jokes, you know, I'd be sobbing, and they'd be like, two guys walking to a bar, I'd read the letter, and, and they go, my wife's so fat, you know, how fat is she?

[534] I told you, I don't even have a girlfriend, don't you fucking listen, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't stand -up, it was just this real weird thing I would do.

[535] Eventually, people would start picking on that character, and then I would become more angry and kind of defensive, and it became crazier and crazier.

[536] But I also just didn't like the idea of going out on stage and pretending that was me, because all the comics I always looked up to, be it Groucho Marx or Andy Kaufman or anybody, you know, they had a persona they hid behind, you know.

[537] And the idea for me just to go out in a sweater and talk about dating seems so foreign to me. Also, I was so young, too, so that was the other reason why it was weird.

[538] What kind of a persona did Groucho Marx have?

[539] Well, I mean, that's not Groucho, you know what I mean?

[540] That whole, the cadence in his voice and all that.

[541] Right, right, right, right.

[542] I mean, it painted on a mustache, for God's sakes, you know, but I think people...

[543] He had a painted on mustache, really?

[544] Yeah, man. He would paint on his mustache.

[545] Oh, my God.

[546] And then I walk out.

[547] Well, is that weird seeing you?

[548] Yeah, mostly because I sound like a dinosaur.

[549] I thought it was going to be the black guy who makes the funny noises.

[550] I didn't realize that joke is so old I actually I actually still have to do that joke when people introduce me hey I thought it was going to be the black guy that's funny I think it's sad that like you know Bubba Smith passed away and I get a call the way I found out about is I get a call from the AP wire service and they go hey do you have a comment on Baba Smith passing away and I was like well I didn't know he died and he had just died a few hours before and yeah I have a quote he was a really good guy who didn't take any BS and he was a lot smarter than people realized and he told great stories that's what I was saying but the whole time I'm thinking man when I die I hope they don't call fucking Gutenberg you know I'm like I didn't see Bubba in 20 years and they called me. Right.

[551] Did you see Gutenberg when something happened there was when Phil Hartman was killed?

[552] Gutenberg dressed up in like a suit and a tie and went down to talk to the reporters and sort of represent celebrities and to ask for privacy.

[553] It was one of the weirdest fucking things I've ever seen.

[554] It was like he knew that cameras were going to be there and he you know vaguely knew them so he decided to represent the situation it was really strange no i never seen that so he goes out and he starts acting like um sort of talking to the press and talking to you know it was really it was really in the same neighborhood i don't even think you lived in the same neighborhood man he just showed up there yeah it was one of those things where i think you like blew a fuse he's the sergeant of arms of show business it was weird i'm the press secretary for famous people particularly weird for me because, you know, I was on this show with Phil and I was friends with him.

[555] And so you were like, he wasn't like, who the fuck is this guy?

[556] Yeah.

[557] Right.

[558] He wasn't, he wasn't like talking about this dude all the time.

[559] But that's, that's the nature of death, you know.

[560] I mean, when you die, people have to make it all about themselves.

[561] They can't, they can't, you know, that's, uh, now I'm being a plug fest, but you're talking about a guy who you actually knew who passed away and then someone tried to exploit him.

[562] But, you know, that's the plot of, uh, world's greatest dad.

[563] The kid, uh, spoiler alert.

[564] Robin's son in that movie dies rubbing one out with a belt around his neck and he's this horrible kid and then everybody at school now loves this kid and he was a great friend because Robin makes it look like a suicide hangs the kid from a chin -up bar and then writes a suicide note that is way better written than anything this kid who was a fucking numb -nuts could ever write and the kids go online and they publish it in the school paper so now Robin keeps writing as his dead son to get play.

[565] Like there's a woman he's trying to bang.

[566] And she's like going Did Kyle write anything else?

[567] He's like Yeah.

[568] So he keeps writing as his dead son.

[569] Wow, that's bizarre.

[570] And it's called the World's Greatest Dad.

[571] But there's a scene in that Chris from Nirvana was in it.

[572] And Chris just had a weird cameo because Robin's son is really into fucked up porn, you know, like Shies of Porn and all this stuff.

[573] In the movie.

[574] And then not not Robin's real son.

[575] Not Zach or Cody.

[576] And so there's just a scene where Robin is standing in front of a porn rack and he just starts sobbing and Chris plays the newsman and he comes over and he gives him a hug and it's a really weird scene because hardcore porn reminds him of his dead son.

[577] It's a very touching, odd, fucked up scene.

[578] Jesus.

[579] But Chris, you know, I'd say, hey, Chris, you know, what's the scene about?

[580] He said, what's the scene about?

[581] I go, you know, when someone passes away, people tell him.

[582] to make it all about themselves and they don't really make it about the person or the people that actually knew the person and and chris goes i have no idea what you're talking about so so it's uh that's one of my favorite scenes in the movie it's like about it's such a short scene but i realize that he gets over his son's death way too fast now we're ruining the movie for anyone who would be interested in seeing it but at this point if you haven't seen it the good news is 90 % of the people listen to this are high as fuck and they will have forgotten Everything that you said about the movie.

[583] Bobcat just says it's awesome.

[584] But it just really weird because you don't normally, like I think people see the movie and they think it's going to be, you know, him and his kid are always just bashing each other.

[585] And they think, oh, at the end, they're going to become friends.

[586] And it's like, no, page 40, I kill the fucker.

[587] Whoa.

[588] Jesus Christ.

[589] So, yeah, so that's world's greatest dad.

[590] And then God Bless America is the new one, which is, guy again it's about a guy who's suicidal kind of pushed over the edge by diagnosed with a brain tumor and a bunch of other things and he's sitting at home with a gun in his mouth and he's watching my super sweet 16 so he decides instead of committing suicide that he's going to drive 400 miles and shoot and kill the girl from my super sweet 16 which he does he shoots the girl and then her classmates like did you kill Chloe and he doesn't say anything and she goes awesome and so this young girl convinces him that there's so many more douchebags in the world that need to die so another lighthearted movie from me yeah that's the scene with a woman throws the tampon at the other woman do you have any family oh gotta take this My name is Chloe.

[591] I live in Virginia Beach and everyone loves me because I'm so pretty.

[592] I wanted an Escalade!

[593] This is the biggest name...

[594] Hey, creepy.

[595] Isn't the schoolgirl thing a little played out?

[596] Don't move and don't make it sound.

[597] If you want the car, just take it.

[598] My parents got me the wrong one anyways.

[599] Yeah, that's a fucking tragedy.

[600] Did you just kill Chloe?

[601] And that was a fantastic start.

[602] But you know who else really riffs my cock off?

[603] The Kardashians.

[604] People who use rock stars an adjective.

[605] Men who call their tits.

[606] The girls.

[607] Anyone who wears crystals.

[608] You're aiming at the bear, right?

[609] This is the best day ever!

[610] Frank, don't.

[611] Let me...

[612] I'm recording this.

[613] Thanks for turning off your cell phone.

[614] You're welcome.

[615] Why have a civilization if we no longer interested in being civilized?

[616] Hey, buddy.

[617] What's wrong?

[618] A lot.

[619] A lot of crazy people out there.

[620] kill people who deserve to die.

[621] We're going to do this or what?

[622] I know it's not normal to want to kill, but I am no longer normal.

[623] Dude.

[624] Really got to take both those spots?

[625] Yeah.

[626] Fuck you.

[627] Fuck you.

[628] So awesome.

[629] Got a lot of raging side of you, sir.

[630] I do not.

[631] I do not.

[632] I like to say that movie is a very violent movie about kindness.

[633] That's how I describe it.

[634] Because all Frank wants is people to act right.

[635] You know, and the movie came about when I kept seeing people acting really insane, you know, like at these town hall meetings where people were shouting down people.

[636] And, you know, I remember seeing a tea party sign.

[637] It's kind of a popular one.

[638] It says, we came unarmed this time.

[639] And I was like, well, that's really crazy, man. You know, that's really.

[640] Yeah.

[641] And I was like, okay, I see you're crazy and I raise your crazy, you know.

[642] And that's the idea behind this movie.

[643] It's just that it isn't.

[644] A list of people who I really wish would die.

[645] I am nonviolent.

[646] I don't believe in the death penalty or anything.

[647] But, but I, you know, it's kind of fighting fire with fire.

[648] I just wanted to, you know, really push it and not make a movie.

[649] You know, if you make a movie and you make fun of these people, then they can go, oh, yeah, that's me, ha, ha, ha, you know, there's like in the new, Snooki shows up in the Three Stooges.

[650] So even Snooky's family can go, oh, that's funny, ha, ha, ha.

[651] But in my movie, I just kill Snooky.

[652] You know, fuck you.

[653] You know what I mean?

[654] I'm done.

[655] I keep wigging out Joe so hard.

[656] No, it's not, it's, I'm just trying to wrap, wrap my head around it.

[657] I mean, I don't kill them for real.

[658] I mean, it's comedy, but I just don't feel comfortable making it, you know, we're, we've really, you know, I, my point is, is what is, what is, why do we have all these distractions?

[659] Do you know what I'm saying?

[660] And I'm not against reality television show.

[661] I'm not against all this stuff.

[662] But what I'm saying is we're not really going to come to any solutions when we spend all of our time name -calling and bashing each other.

[663] Now, people will go, well, your movie is very, you know, slanted to the left.

[664] And it's like, yeah, I think the left has a lot of problems, but I do believe the right is way nastier.

[665] And it was kind of like me saying, all right, this might be funny, a liberal with a brain tumor and a gun.

[666] I hate the idea the left and the right I really do I think Yeah because it doesn't come up When they're solutions Well not only that It's just this idea That there's only two ideologies It's so stupid Everyone's a combination of both Yeah and you have to be Yeah Or but people choose not to be People just say I've decided that I am this ideology And so all my decisions are made up for me And I don't have to make My own opinion on certain things And And you know An example would be like I agree with Bill O 'Reilly on the death penalty.

[667] He's against it.

[668] He and I can never come together because he is too busy making his living just, you know, fanning flames.

[669] Why is he against a death penalty?

[670] I'm sure for him it has to do with his Catholicism.

[671] You know, that's my guess.

[672] I don't know why.

[673] But yet he's pro -war.

[674] Yeah.

[675] Well, yeah, well, also, yeah, well.

[676] Well, Catholicism as an adult is fascinating.

[677] I mean, it's one thing if you're stuck in it as a child, but as you get older.

[678] Did you grow up Catholic?

[679] Yeah, I went to Catholic school.

[680] I went to Catholic school, too.

[681] Did you go to...

[682] For one year, only went to one year.

[683] Oh, one year?

[684] It was horrible.

[685] For me, it was a very traumatic time.

[686] My parents were getting divorced, and my dad, like, would hit my mom, and there was a lot of crazy shit, and we were living with my grandmother at the time.

[687] That's when I started going to Catholic school.

[688] and it was so it was a trying time in my life and I remember being really excited that I was going to go to Catholic school because I was really excited about doing the right thing and about following the Bible and that's how you live a happy life like I really like the reason why this was going on in my house was all fucked up because everybody wasn't down with God they weren't doing the right thing so this one cunt of a nun sister Mary Josephine completely cured me this bitch was so evil She was just so mean and just There was nothing loving about her There's nothing warm and friendly about it She was never happy She never smiled And she just had me convinced That it was all horseshit I was like oh okay This there's no fucking way This lady is involved With anything legitimate Anything good This isn't God God has nothing to do with this This is craziness What about Whose idea was it for you to go there Was it yours or one of your parents?

[689] No it was my parents I think you know It was probably one of the better schools in the area.

[690] It's hard to find good public schools.

[691] It was in North New Jersey.

[692] Yeah, yeah, no. I went to Catholic school my whole life.

[693] I went like half a year to a public school and it was so behind that I ended up being the janitor in my own high school so I could pay my tuition not because of any religious things, but the fact that the education was better there.

[694] Wow.

[695] So I, you know, it's kind of funny.

[696] I didn't have any stigma about being the janitor at the high school.

[697] I mean, I still, oddly enough, I was like the homecoming king, too.

[698] So you, while you were going to school there, you were also the janitor.

[699] I was the guy that was stigma.

[700] Why would it have a stigma, though?

[701] I was, well, I mean, you know, it's not like being the captain of the football team, being the guy dragging out the empty milk carton bags, you know.

[702] Right, but at least you were industrious enough to figure out how to get a job.

[703] Yeah.

[704] No, I didn't, I mean, I didn't think anything was embarrassing about it.

[705] It was only until later on as an adult, I would tell that story and people would go, wow you know yeah there's something about being a janitor that's particularly humbling for people you know just the word janitor you're you're a you're a guy who's essentially you clean things up that's it i don't know why it didn't bother me i don't know why it just seemed like it made sense to me i shouldn't if i was a janitor that meant i could go to the school right well it's just it's not impressive that's why it bothers people you know who uh want to impress you with what they do you right but then i started doing stand -up when i was like 15 16 years old so when i was in high school tom canney and i were doing stand -up wow where were you doing it they got gong shows and things like that open mic nights uh barry krimmins who was one of the boston comedy guys uh he had an open mic that was in syracuse outside of syracuse at the time we would do that every week and we were teenagers and we had fake IDs to get into the clubs and stuff holy shit so what how old did you have to be well 18 but then when i moved to boston and it was 19, so I used my brother's Jimmy's ID to go do stand -up comedy.

[706] So sometimes, like, I'd be in Worcester and a bomb, but I'd be as Jim Goldthwaite because I had to use my brother's ID.

[707] Wow.

[708] Wow, that's fucking awesome, man. One of the coolest things about Boston was all those different places you can go in and around it, you know, to work.

[709] There's so much, like, road work.

[710] There was a million gigs, and you would just pile into a car, and there would be, like, four or five of you.

[711] And then, you know, that's the thing you miss in.

[712] life is is is the you know the hell gig and then the all of you would just laugh all the way home your tits off on the way home yeah yeah yeah so that that goes away as you get older which is kind of a drag yeah that was uh that that time though is so unstable you can't wait for it to be over when did you start doing stand it 88 and and how old were you 21 and you were in boston yeah yeah i started at uh stitches um sure jonathan The Cats was the host, the first night I went on stage.

[713] One of my last shows in Boston when I moved out of there was at Stitches.

[714] I took all.

[715] The old one or the new one?

[716] The one that was the front of the paradise.

[717] Ah, the old one.

[718] That was the awesome one.

[719] And I had it all filled with all this shit from my apartment.

[720] And I had a garage sale.

[721] And up and down the street, there was signs that said, garage sale, free coffee.

[722] And like I had coffee and donuts set up when you walked in.

[723] And then I sold all this shit that I lived with all my shit was on stage.

[724] Wow.

[725] oh that's hilarious well i never really i guess i'm not doing traditional stand -up a bunch when i first got starting i was kind of making fun of it and then it became the thing i was trying to make fun of you know you were trying to make fun of it and then you got trapped in the act yeah definitely you know definitely because because by the time i was a kid i mean i loved comedy when i was a little boy like you know seven or eight years old i was watching george carlin on the dinah shore show and i said to my mom what does he do for a living and she's like that's what he does he for a living, I was like, oh, that's the, yeah, that's the best thing ever.

[726] You know, I got to figure this out.

[727] So by the time I was a teenager, I was kind of snarky and stuff, and I was kind of over the comedy that was popular at the time.

[728] And then Steve Martin came out and blew my mind and stuff.

[729] So you were sort of a comedy nerd before comedy nerds were around.

[730] Huge, huge, huge.

[731] So, so that's probably why I got burnt out by the time I was in my early 20s, you know, about comedy.

[732] You know, people, people now take it so serious that it's kind of weird.

[733] They take it, They make it turn it into almost like a sports mentality, which, you know, I always thought, in my mind, the comedy I liked was always about outsiders and weirdos, you know.

[734] It wasn't about who's the best comic and who's the number one comic and who sells more and who's got the most popular podcast and blah, blah, blah, you know.

[735] Right.

[736] It's just because your art is popular, pretty much sometimes doesn't mean it's very valid.

[737] You know, the two things don't really connect.

[738] You know, if something's good and popular, that's really strange when it does happen.

[739] You really think so?

[740] Yeah, yeah.

[741] What about the Black Keys?

[742] No, that's what I'm saying, but like something like that, they're still not like a household name, you know?

[743] They're pretty huge right now.

[744] Well, they're huge, but they're not like, if I brought those up to my sisters, they wouldn't know who they are.

[745] Really?

[746] Yeah, yeah.

[747] I bet they would have heard their songs.

[748] My sister does not.

[749] My sister and none of my family knows black kids.

[750] That's incredible.

[751] And they're from Ohio.

[752] Well, they're filling arenas now.

[753] Really?

[754] Yeah.

[755] Yeah.

[756] They sold that Madison Square Garden.

[757] In like 15 minutes.

[758] Yeah, but I'm not saying that everything that's popular is bad, but I'm also saying it sounds like I'm backpedaling now.

[759] But, but you, like Kardashians is not really...

[760] I know what you're saying that there's a lot of popular shit that sucks and that just because something's popular doesn't mean it's good.

[761] I know what you're saying.

[762] Yeah, and I get tired of that argument.

[763] But it's easy for me, you know, because I make my movies that only play film festivals.

[764] Well, it's a weird thing.

[765] And go right to VOD.

[766] You know, it's what are you trying to do?

[767] You know, are you trying to make a blip that hits the most amount of numbers possible?

[768] Are you trying to, like, are you calculating your attack?

[769] Or are you doing something that genuinely you would love?

[770] And it just, this is the way you do it.

[771] And, you know, people are going to like it.

[772] They're not going to like it.

[773] But you're not like, you're not engineering it for financial success.

[774] Right.

[775] But, I mean, look, what you're doing.

[776] I mean, look at this on paper.

[777] It wouldn't make any sense at all.

[778] You know, we're going to combine.

[779] Mixed martial arts, comedy, and art bell.

[780] It's going to be popular.

[781] No fucking way.

[782] Well, as a comedian, a comedian slash cage fighting commentator, that doesn't seem to work.

[783] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[784] It shouldn't work.

[785] I actually think it's funny.

[786] It's like, I owe you an apology and you don't even know it.

[787] Like, I had, until I started listening to your show, I had some baggage with you just because, and why it's really unfair of me to have it was I had a preconceived notion of, you from from what you did on television and and I'm like if anybody should cut anyone some fucking slack it's the dude from police academy do you know what I mean like I was like I had this ego thing going what's he doing standard you know what I mean right right oh you're the fucking purest Zed oh that's funny you're the dude from hot to trot and you're going to blow the guy from from Fear Factor shit it's a natural thing though if you have any personal angst to sort of like look for different little weak spots.

[788] Yeah, but that's not cool, man. It's not cool, but it's a natural thing.

[789] But I didn't owe you an apology because I never went anywhere and said that openly.

[790] But you know what I mean?

[791] Right.

[792] I would completely understand it.

[793] But for me, it was like, there's no way I can not do that show.

[794] It was too much money.

[795] It was too crazy.

[796] No, look, I don't judge anyone.

[797] Look, I was the voice of a fruit cake this year.

[798] So I'm not about to judge anything you do.

[799] But I completely understand people making fun of it.

[800] I make fun of it.

[801] Yeah, I'd make fun of my stuff, too, but I shouldn't judge anybody.

[802] They asked me, there was a celebrity version of the show, is that right?

[803] Of what show?

[804] Of your show?

[805] Fear Factor?

[806] Yeah.

[807] There's a few.

[808] Yeah, we did a bunch of them.

[809] Okay, because they asked me to.

[810] And, like, I only like things that I can fuck up that I know will make air.

[811] And I really did.

[812] The idea I came up with was, like, to put, like, a bag of pudding in my pants, like, brown pudding.

[813] And then wait to me being suspended somewhere.

[814] and be like Joe I really got to get down and then just open up the bag of pudding it just said shit dripping out of my pants but it wouldn't have made the air you know what I mean I would have fought for it yeah but that was really the thing I was thinking I was like how could I fuck this up maybe it would have made it and you don't know my commitment I actually would have sat there all day with a bag full of pudding in my pants because my commitment to fuck things up is pretty good I believe it.

[815] We did it with, like Penn and Teller did it.

[816] A bunch of different people did it.

[817] That was fun.

[818] It was the food things that turned me out.

[819] That's what I couldn't do it.

[820] The most recent, you know, we did it again.

[821] Recently, we did another season of it.

[822] Like after like six years of being left here.

[823] And the new season, people had to drink donkey sperm.

[824] And it got leaked out on TMZ.

[825] It got leaked out on TMZ.

[826] TMZ got pictures of the glasses.

[827] fucking venty Starbucks mug full of, of Donkey Come, and then people started protesting, and then NBC said they were going to pull the episode, and so, and then NBC pulled the episode, and they just canceled the show.

[828] They're like, that's it.

[829] That's my morning radio show, moniker, Donkey Come.

[830] Donkey Come.

[831] That is?

[832] Donkeycom and Dave.

[833] Oh, that's funny.

[834] No, but, but, but, well, that was.

[835] And they did it.

[836] They all did it.

[837] They all did it.

[838] They had to play horseshoes.

[839] And this is what it is.

[840] It was three groups of twins.

[841] One boy, two girls.

[842] So four girls.

[843] And one of them, they had to decide.

[844] They would play horseshoes.

[845] And one of them would be, one would represent donkey cum.

[846] And the other one would represent donkey urine, which is actually cow's urine.

[847] I think it was.

[848] Which is way, the urine is way easier to swallow.

[849] Once you get past the fact that it's urine and just throw it down, it's really not that big a deal.

[850] actually you can get away with it and they boil it they make sure it's sterile but it's just so ridiculous um but the other person would have to drink to cum so they they would play horseshoes and everyone landed on the same thing they all wound up drinking 24 ounces and you can't believe they're really going to do it you can't believe they're really going to do it they lay it out in the glasses these people drink it i mean it's really crazy to watch because there's essentially come all over their face because they're not it's not going down clean so come is dripping down their cheeks, comes on their clothes.

[851] And I'm like, for real, this is my job.

[852] This is a job.

[853] And so I was telling them this ridiculous.

[854] I was like, you can't, this is never going to air.

[855] It's never going to be on television.

[856] NBC's giving us the green light.

[857] They approved this episode.

[858] They approved the, you know, they got through standards and practices.

[859] Like, really?

[860] Really?

[861] What time was that going to be on?

[862] Like regular time, 8 o 'clock.

[863] And so did they actually, they actually, did they say?

[864] it was not what word am I looking for not purified uh sterilized well donkey cum is sterile because donkeys are hybrids see horse cum is the reason this is how fear factor would work say if we found some people were eating something in some other culture like balut which is like this chicken embryo or duck embryo that they love in the Philippines in America's like what the fuck is that oh it's disgusting in their country it's normal so we have to just find something that's fucked up in other countries that people eat because they're starving and we get people to eat it.

[865] So in New Zealand, some crazy assholes decided to start selling shots of horse semen at bars.

[866] So people get fucked up.

[867] You have a few tequila, like, let's do a whole shot, mate.

[868] Let's do a whole shot.

[869] And you're doing it.

[870] Yeah, it's like, red bull.

[871] It's like natural red bull, supposedly.

[872] Supposed you like a little energy.

[873] I think the energy is just like, I just swallowed the fucking sperm.

[874] It's exciting.

[875] The fuck am I doing your heart's beating faster.

[876] You just like holy shit it feels like drugs so the because of that the producers extrapolated oh well then we'll make people drink a big gulp bowl of donkey jizz and they got donkey jizz because it's cheaper sure because it's useless it doesn't really make donkeys oh i got you because they're sterile because they're shooting blanks yeah and the way they get them is they they use a cattle prod they stick it up the donkey's ass and it you know it's a rusty tromboning the yeah exactly triggers his his area And then he just blasts, and then they just gather it all up and sell it to Fear Factor.

[877] Wow.

[878] And now you said you tasted it just because you wanted to taste it.

[879] Well, I ate some, some, no. Wait, what's it?

[880] I ate some cooked, no. Wait, what are you talking about?

[881] I'm just kidding.

[882] Jesus Christ.

[883] He made an awry.

[884] I'm trying to come up with a way that it's better.

[885] No, no, no. The come I ate was totally cooked.

[886] It was an omelet.

[887] It was frosting.

[888] Yeah, I was watching Anthony Bourdain's show, and he was at a sushi restaurant when they were serving cum.

[889] They serve sperm sacks, and they're eating the sperm sacs and the sperm.

[890] They're eating, and they're like, oh, this is some good sperm.

[891] Well, you were talking about sterilized.

[892] My wife worked on Jackass 2, where they did drink the, remember the, there's the horse sperm, I believe, Chris Pony or something.

[893] But there's a scene where she's gluing pubes on guys.

[894] face, I don't know if you saw that movie.

[895] Did you see it?

[896] No, no, I didn't see.

[897] You didn't see Jackass 2?

[898] No. Oh, it's the best one.

[899] This is good movies give me anxiety.

[900] So she's she's gluing pubs out on the guy's face as a fake beard, but he thinks it's, he thinks it's real hair or whatever.

[901] But they asked, they said, did you, did you sterilize this?

[902] And she's like, oh yeah, yeah.

[903] Like, how are you going to sterilize pub?

[904] Just conditioning.

[905] Because like all the guys in the, you know, all the jackass guys had shaved their pubs and And then, I mean, there was a longer gag going out, but the guy didn't know that they gave him a pub beard.

[906] But what would he expect?

[907] I love that that.

[908] Look where he's at.

[909] That's my gal, you know, just, but, but this funny story was after that, I was at a screening.

[910] And I know Billy Crystal over the years.

[911] And he comes up and goes, oh, I just saw that jackass too, you know.

[912] Oh, my God, they're gluing pubs on a guy's face.

[913] And I go, oh, yeah, that's my wife.

[914] That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, he looks and he realizes, holy shit, it really is.

[915] It's pretty uncomfortable for a beat there, but, you know, what are you going to do?

[916] Though, I, I, I couldn't, she's a costume designer, but she did that, you know, because she'll, she'll, she'll go along with a gag, right?

[917] But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but she gets calls still for people saying, hey, well, you do makeup.

[918] And it's like, I only have one makeup.

[919] Look, glue and pubes on a guy's face.

[920] That's the one thing.

[921] If you want Brian Wilson to have a pub beard, I'm your guy.

[922] That's hilarious.

[923] Somehow I know that she just got attached to that?

[924] I think you do it once, you know?

[925] Just give one pub beard.

[926] I couldn't watch a jackass after I watched the one clip of Johnny Knoxville putting a blindfold on.

[927] He lets a bull launch at him.

[928] The bull just attacks him and he goes flying through the air.

[929] And I'm like, what the fuck are you?

[930] You're a movie star, dude.

[931] What are you doing?

[932] There's so much more to those movies Other than that You'd love those movies You would be...

[933] I can't watch it Yeah, but you play clips That are way more offensive Or shocking than that What, on the show you mean?

[934] Yeah, on your show If we do it, it's, you know, Not for the whole show, you know Jackass is like an hour I know, Jackass is like an hour and a half Of guys getting fucking hit in the nuts With shotgun blasts It's like, I can't watch it all It's too crazy You're too sensitive Well, I might be You know, you would think that I would be, I've seen so many people get fucked up in real life, like doing MMA commentary, being that close to the cage, you'd think I'd be like that that kind of stuff wouldn't bother me anymore.

[935] But the stuff like where I know someone's going to get injured still gives me the hemi -jeebies.

[936] Crashes, anything, ski crashes, anything where your leg trip twists backwards and I see, you know, slow -mo.

[937] Is it because you've had these injuries?

[938] Is that way?

[939] Yeah.

[940] I've had them.

[941] I know what it's like.

[942] Yeah, it's not funny.

[943] Yeah, it's not funny.

[944] I see it.

[945] Once you pee blood once, it's just not as funny.

[946] Yeah, it's not funny.

[947] It's like, yeah.

[948] Did you have about this Japanese chef who says he's asexual?

[949] He's 22 years old.

[950] He auctioned his cock and balls off for a banquet that he was going to give.

[951] He gave a banquet, had his dick and balls surgically removed, and then served them to the patrons for, like, I don't know, 150 ,000.

[952] in yen or something.

[953] No, I don't even know if that's true.

[954] I don't really think it was that much money.

[955] No, it wasn't that much money.

[956] It was, like, pretty cheap.

[957] Yeah.

[958] How crazy is it?

[959] I don't know why.

[960] I'm haggling here.

[961] I'm trying to figure.

[962] Well, you know, it would be a shame is if he did all that trouble and then they didn't taste so good.

[963] You know what I mean?

[964] No one showed up.

[965] My balls are a little overdone.

[966] If Dick's tasted really good, people would be eating them all the time.

[967] There's a reason why you can buy them at the pet store and they serve him to dogs.

[968] You know, if Dick was like better than filet mignon, You know, we would be eating dick.

[969] We'd be eating the animal dick.

[970] But the Japanese do.

[971] I mean, they're always...

[972] Do they eat animal dicks?

[973] I don't eat balls.

[974] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[975] Balls are, they actually taste good, though.

[976] Like Rocky Mountain oysters.

[977] So you've eaten nose.

[978] No, I haven't.

[979] But, I mean, people love them.

[980] No, I haven't had them.

[981] But people say they love them, you know.

[982] Rocky Mountain oysters, apparently, to people who have had them, they taste delicious.

[983] I just don't think I ever had one.

[984] I've never looked down at my junk.

[985] It's that, mm, you know, with some parsley.

[986] Yeah.

[987] Maybe with some onions?

[988] Yeah, just imagine if that was the best part of the bull.

[989] To kill a whole bowl just to get his balls.

[990] People would do it.

[991] Bull balls were the caviar of the animal kingdom.

[992] Now, do you, do you, yeah, how do we end up talking about eating balls?

[993] Probably, we got on a fear factor subject.

[994] Oh, sorry.

[995] My bad.

[996] That's what it was.

[997] The people had to drink cum.

[998] That's what killed the second season.

[999] You mean the new season?

[1000] The newest, the second version.

[1001] Now were you bummed out that I got killed?

[1002] No, I was happy.

[1003] You were like, phew.

[1004] Yeah, I was happy.

[1005] Yeah, I dodged a bullet.

[1006] I could have been doing that show again for the six years.

[1007] Because they're doing a reboot of Police Academy.

[1008] Are they really?

[1009] Are you going to do it?

[1010] No, no. They're not even going to ask me. But I said that, I go, yeah, they're going to reboot it like how they did 21 Jump Street.

[1011] They're going to make it a comedy.

[1012] Sexy and cool.

[1013] They're going to make it a comedy.

[1014] this time.

[1015] No, I think I annoyed the producers so much that they wouldn't actually have me back in Police Academy.

[1016] Really?

[1017] Why?

[1018] Because I was kind of a dick when we made those movies.

[1019] I mean, I wasn't like, it wasn't like I was an asshole, but I was also, I wasn't like going, hey, this is really great what we're doing.

[1020] Do you know what I mean?

[1021] Like, I, you know, I had a sense of humor about it.

[1022] I didn't really think, oh, this is the, you know, the finest moments in cinema, you know?

[1023] So, because of that, I was considered a pain in the ass that and sometimes I would say hey how about at the beginning of the movie we have these bad guys that at the end we could catch and the producer get really mad like what are you trying to do you know they get mad at me for trying to I was trying to suggest the plot like I just thought maybe if all right did you try to change the tone of the movie yeah no make them grittier this time it's going to be realistic did you ever come to them and go listen man listen to do something to mix this up this is bullshit Zed wouldn't say this That is from the streets, man A friend of mine is a director And she's a very reasonable person And she was telling me some great stories About working with actors that would come to them And say, I think my character should be in a bikini In this scene You know, like for no reason Like this is a mother, she's a mother of four And she's gonna answer the door in a bikini You know, and she has a really like young hair kind I'm thinking like shaved in the size Like bitch you're 50 What the fuck are you talking about?

[1024] Like they want to like completely rewag All of a sudden, they're creative.

[1025] You know, they'd take a Xanax or whatever the fuck they're on.

[1026] Yeah, no, I would have, I remember the guy who played Peppy, the clown in Shakes, and he would just, just before the scene, just before we say action, we go.

[1027] I was like, Bobcat, I think my character would have a schnauzer.

[1028] I'm like, what the, like, wait, am I going to go in the fucking schnauzer store?

[1029] Oh, yeah, all right, sure.

[1030] Go get you a trained schnauzer.

[1031] to do the scene the way it's written yeah the people there are certain actors that when they go on to a movie you you sort of assume that they're going to rewrite things right right there's certain actors that have that kind of yeah but you but you kind of you know you hope folks are on the same page so so when they're when they're rewriting or changing stuff it's in the similar tone and it's about the story and it's making it better you know right but when you have an actor doing that doesn't that thing get weird it so far i've i've only I think, you know, everybody I work with are friends of mine, and there are always people that are on the same page, you know.

[1032] That's the best.

[1033] If you can just work with a group of your friends on a regular basis.

[1034] Yeah, I mean, I really do think that, like, people thought, like, oh, you work with Robin Williams, you know, that he was going to be spinning out, you know, doing his improvs and stuff.

[1035] And it was more like, you know, he knew this guy and any ad libs or any changes were really valid, you know.

[1036] They were his suggestions, you know.

[1037] I think people confuse Robin's stand up with his acting.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] Yeah, and, you know, Rahman's interesting.

[1040] He takes acting really serious.

[1041] Like, I think he actually thinks of himself as an actor first, you know, because he went to Juilliard and stuff like that, you know.

[1042] He's a, he's a, he's one of the best actors in the world.

[1043] Yeah, I agree.

[1044] I think as an actor, I think he's amazing.

[1045] I think he's better as an actor than he even is as a stand -up.

[1046] I think he's just incredible.

[1047] Well, I think...

[1048] Photo Booth movie, whatever was that movie?

[1049] Yeah, one -hour photo, yeah, yeah.

[1050] He's incredible.

[1051] Well, you should check out the movie he and I made.

[1052] Oh, I would love to.

[1053] It's, uh, he's a...

[1054] He's, you know, it was funny because, like, before we started to work on it, I was like, is he going to listen to me, you know?

[1055] Am I going to say, let's do this one and just do it kind of mellow and, or is he going to say, you were in Hot to Trot and I have an Oscar, so we're going to do it my way.

[1056] But that's not, he never pulled any shit like that.

[1057] He was, he was, you know, we hope to keep making movies.

[1058] We'll probably do another movie together.

[1059] Do you feel free from Police Academy?

[1060] No. I mean, I know when I die, there'll be a photo of me in a police uniform, you know, I mean, there's no way around it, you know, you know, it's, there's no way around it.

[1061] But, you know, if people remember me at all, it'll be that way, yeah.

[1062] Did you ever have regrets?

[1063] Yeah, always, you know, but, but I don't, I don't, it just took me almost, it's taken me almost, you know, 25, 30 years to get where I am now.

[1064] And now I make these small little movies.

[1065] I do stand up.

[1066] So, you know, to pay.

[1067] my rent and I'm really happy so all the things that I would file in the regrets actually helped me get to where I am you know when you're doing stand -up do you ever are you doing it as you are you doing it as your character no it's me now you know I think about percent yeah and I think like if I did do the persona and some of the markets it would be more helpful you know because a lot of the country it still is the 80s you know I mean honestly you know if you say if you go hey Kansas or something they go oh the guy for police academy and he's coming but he's not going to do that voice oh really why do I want to go see that he's going to tell funny stories you know but I think if it's like poison's coming and they're not doing every roses of yeah so but you know it was a decision I had to make just because I was back on the road and I was like why do I hate the road and I thought it was because I hated the wacky morning teams and the in the sheister club owners and the shitty opening acts sorry brian and uh oh snap what he do no no i just uh i haven't even seen your standum i just know that he just had to do it it was right it was just like no but but um but i realized i just hated doing this persona that i had no connection to anymore you know just because the people's obligate people were you know wanted to see it did you drop it and then go back the same club like they you were there a year before and they're like hey what the fuck there's certain clubs i think definitely because you know what happens eventually is it i think it did affect my ticket sales you know so there's certain rooms i don't work anymore but but you know i i have to do what i can so i can hit the pillow at night and feel okay yeah well it's and it's also the idea that you could only be funny as that character silly you know well i mean but here's the thing that's funny it's like back in the day on my early hpo specials there was material you know i was doing about the Iran -Contra hearings and things like that in my act, you know, but because of my persona, people didn't understand that there was anything going on in my act, you know?

[1068] So, it never bothered me because I thought it was a great way I could sneak my message in.

[1069] But in hindsight, you know, sometimes, sometimes I'll read something snarky when I'm ego surfing on the web and it'll be like, the guy for police care, it'll be blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1070] And I'm like going, dude, you watch those movies.

[1071] That's the only reason.

[1072] you're mad you know I didn't you know I mean so so whatever you know I don't I don't let too much of it bother me because I'm so much into my own thing and and the other thing is funny is I'm not really nostalgic you know I mean I'm really always on to the next project I'm always writing after World's Great's dad I wrote five screenplays you know so and God Bless America is just one of them so I just keep writing all the time Wendy City Heat's one of my favorite movies and there was some talk for time to bring a second one around and I know there's a lot of fans of like Perry and Don and all that and they even have a pretty successful podcast.

[1073] Did you, did you enjoy making this movie?

[1074] Did you ever think about making a, you know, a second one or?

[1075] Only if, only if, if Perry was on board, I think.

[1076] I, you know, obviously you can't do it without him, but, but I, the, the idea of doing another one, you know, maybe I don't rule it out you know it is I do think it's it's it's it's probably the funniest thing I've ever been involved in yeah that's for sure it had to you had such a great cast or did you have anything any of the are these a lot of your friends like Dan Coker was in it did you just do comedy stand up with him no it's a combination of a bunch of different a bunch of different comedians and their friends and and actors and stuff Rowan Polanski film That was the dramatic trailer The dramatic trailer And if people People don't know Can you explain The whole story Behind Windy City Heat Or is that Too much of a giveaway I think it's a giveaway I think people should just Watch it I know people Watch it and they think it's fake That's fine You know I don't argue it Kimmel doesn't argue that either You know So you know People just have to explore it on their own But I do know that I think it is, it's clearly, I think, the funniest thing I've been involved in.

[1077] Really?

[1078] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1079] See, a lot of people don't know, I guess.

[1080] This is Perry on the left, and it's Don Barry's from the middle.

[1081] Okay, guys, thanks a lot.

[1082] Just call my agent, you know, if you make a decision.

[1083] Thanks.

[1084] Okay.

[1085] Hey, you're Carson Daly, aren't you?

[1086] Hi, I'm Don Barris.

[1087] Everyone's in on the joke is such, Perry.

[1088] wearing the jackets wearing the hats I'm looking at I'm looking at myself or or somebody that wants to be me and and I'm saying and I'm thinking to my head this is somebody that needs his ass kicked bad real bad here I'm here so how to go on there you think you got their role I don't know it went good you know they want to see one other guy some scary fairy something scary fairy is that what you're me?

[1089] Perry.

[1090] Perry.

[1091] I'm stone.

[1092] Perry.

[1093] Oh, okay.

[1094] I'm sorry.

[1095] Stone Fury.

[1096] Anyway, listen, good luck to you and I'll catch you later.

[1097] Harry, you should go out.

[1098] Okay.

[1099] Did you ever worry at any point in time that you're dealing with a crazy person when you were doing this movie?

[1100] Don Barris?

[1101] Yeah.

[1102] I worry about that every time I deal with Don Barris.

[1103] I love Don Barris.

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] I do too.

[1106] I know.

[1107] I actually, John is a is a great.

[1108] actor actually but um uh besides being a funny guy um i uh uh yeah yes yeah of course i mean it's it's it's it's it's really on the edge man i mean it was a really strange and uncomfortable and scary movie to make i mean it was really fucking weird it's do you feel bad at all no because perry gets what he wants and what's he what's he want more than anything is fame you know yeah right but he's crazy Nice.

[1109] No, he's not.

[1110] I mean, you know, as opposed to other comedians.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] Stone Fury.

[1113] Let me tell you a little about Stone.

[1114] He's a, he's a hard drinking, hard talking, hard, living, tough guy.

[1115] And we've seen a lot of people for this role.

[1116] We saw Gandalfini, Leota, and Woe Pat.

[1117] We actually narrowed down the field to yourself.

[1118] And one other actor who we just saw who was...

[1119] Just walked out of here.

[1120] He was quite good.

[1121] Carson?

[1122] Mm -hmm.

[1123] Boy, he's good.

[1124] He's a joke.

[1125] Kavish?

[1126] It's a joke.

[1127] You have to...

[1128] Nobody can do this role but me. That's great.

[1129] Wow, he's crazy.

[1130] So, are you ready?

[1131] It's amazing.

[1132] And...

[1133] Perry, I'm sorry.

[1134] A lot of directors, they say, action.

[1135] I just say, and act.

[1136] Thank you.

[1137] So when you hear me say, and act.

[1138] And you...

[1139] Then go.

[1140] My name is Stone.

[1141] Stone Fury.

[1142] This is my town.

[1143] Perry, did you get the pie?

[1144] Can he get it?

[1145] Is he Sto Fury?

[1146] They got him.

[1147] Very seriously, go back here.

[1148] I'm sorry.

[1149] I'm sorry.

[1150] I apologize.

[1151] I know you're excited.

[1152] Guys, we're just getting into this.

[1153] Can you please just step out?

[1154] Okay.

[1155] No problem.

[1156] Rock on.

[1157] Bob, can you get these guys evacuated from this building?

[1158] They're gone.

[1159] That's good.

[1160] No, I like what you're doing.

[1161] going.

[1162] Okay, this is not going to make any sense.

[1163] Yeah, this is...

[1164] We're just watching TV right now.

[1165] If people are not informed, this is not making any sense.

[1166] I'm going to have to give...

[1167] Can I give away a little bit of a score?

[1168] Yeah, go right ahead.

[1169] The guy Perry, they have him convinced that he's a star.

[1170] They make a movie around him.

[1171] He's just a crazy guy.

[1172] And he's crazy enough to actually believe that he really is like a movie star.

[1173] He's the star of a movie called Windy City Heat.

[1174] And so they, you basically...

[1175] Shoot a movie with him.

[1176] hoodwinked a crazy guy Everybody's in on the joke Except him Yeah everybody's in on the joke That he's this movie star And Don Barris tries to ruin Like I mean Don Barris just pretty much Tortures him like he does Well it's brilliant The thing, it's really brilliant Once you realize that this guy does not know And then you realize what a crazy fuck he must be To let this go this deep Without like stepping back once And going, hey wait a minute What the fuck's going on here?

[1177] But would you I mean If there's giant you know trucks out front and you have your parking spot and you drive onto the lot and and and well he had to sign off on all this as well and the women love you and you know he loves this movie but i mean when you see the movie it's really interesting because immediately you know he's making demands and and bossing and bossing is in turn around it's so fascinating it's a it's a it's a Because I showed it recently in Atlanta, and people had questions, and they said, you know, it's Perry real.

[1178] And so I just called him on the phone.

[1179] He's off and running, you know.

[1180] What does Perry do to take care of himself these days?

[1181] You know, he is a sag extra.

[1182] He does show up in movies as a sag extra.

[1183] And for the longest time, he worked in his family's print shop that I heard recently went under.

[1184] so yeah i didn't know windy city heat it's uh it's like i said it's it's really a fascinating movie i mean i can't say it's not my baby because don and and and and mull and uh jimmy kimmel and all these folks have been doing this for about 11 years before i got involved and directed this movie they'd been doing this with the same guy for 11 years and they still do it today on the big three podcast that don barris does so he still thinks he's a movie star oh yeah they they uh they Actually, it's even gotten crazier now because if you're, if you're supposed to be a local LA guy, they have like people like Leeds, mattress.

[1185] The guy goes, we won't be beat.

[1186] He's now like a sponsor and he's just a crazy person.

[1187] So you have this guy that you're used to with the mattress guy from the TV commercials here.

[1188] Now is somehow part of the show.

[1189] And it's just, it's amazing.

[1190] It's amazing.

[1191] Because like if you, you know, like here's Perry and you go, well, Perry, here's refrigerator Perry and it really is him.

[1192] So, I mean, you know, all these things kind of made it easier.

[1193] You're so when you say, and here's our still photographer, Ansel Adams.

[1194] Hello, Mr. Adams.

[1195] You know what I mean?

[1196] So why wouldn't it be Ansel Adams if I just met the real refrigerator Perry?

[1197] Dude, I can't figure it out.

[1198] I used to have backaches when I was making the movie going.

[1199] I was like, this is insane, you know.

[1200] I started thinking people were filming me when I was peeing.

[1201] You started getting paranoid and really crazy.

[1202] Do you have no sense of guilt?

[1203] whatsoever for well the not now i think not now but i i know that that he's very happy with what the outcome when all said he's happy that it gave him a lot of attention yeah yeah and still does right and he got paid he got paid very well when he did it and stuff so you know and and um but uh you know what what's i don't know you know i i i i i'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life i love it i hope there's more i know barris never had a problem fucking clowning the guy oh he's still you know bears has his hand in like a million different pots now he does the ding dong show we had a podcast here the other day where we had a live ding dong show and it was the craziest thing i've ever seen in my life i was half what's a what's a live ding dong show uh he it was uh don berris uh iko tanaka mary jane and they brought uh uh two of their ding dongers schizophrenic surfer who's a schizophrenic weed guy he's like smoking weed and and then they have uh tennessee i think is his name and who's also from tim and eric and and they just pretty much had a show and it was the craziest thing of if you watch it it's it's it's like watching a train wreck that you can't look away it's amazing uh but yeah we'll be up on death squad soon but he don has the shit he does you know like the ding dong show he has the big three he also has his band which is an air guitar band where he has this whole band where people are playing fake instruments that he does almost every single night at the comedy store this guy and he does opens up uh for camel every single day every single day he you know or whenever kimmel has a show he does the warm up he is the most big don is a workaholic and that guy is you know fucking working every single and he's really good at tricking crazy people yeah and he's going to be he's excellent he's going to be here friday for the death squad show Friday so tickets are available now Ice House.

[1204] Don Barris is a motherfucker.

[1205] He's another one of those guys where I never quite understood why he never got, you know, more recognition.

[1206] Yeah.

[1207] He's a funny dude.

[1208] Well, I mean, but you know, you're implying that showbiz is based on merit and talent and stuff.

[1209] Well, I just, I always hope that someone finds the good ones.

[1210] Well, but I think that's a lot of it has to be tenacity and your ability to compromise, you know?

[1211] I think I think those are the things that really are rewarded in show business.

[1212] Tenacity for sure.

[1213] The ability to compromise.

[1214] You mean do things you don't really enjoy doing to further your career?

[1215] Yeah.

[1216] That can help.

[1217] That's get help.

[1218] That's the key ingredient.

[1219] Money is the most important thing.

[1220] Get some money, then you don't have to worry anymore.

[1221] But do you find money does make you happy?

[1222] No. No, it does not.

[1223] But it definitely takes away the, unhappy feeling of being broke.

[1224] So it doesn't make you happy.

[1225] And the panic.

[1226] And then, and then, you know, my thing would be, you know, do things for money and then, and then blow it.

[1227] Because I was, it's so.

[1228] Self -destructed.

[1229] Yeah.

[1230] So now I'm much happier trying to kind of live a life that's way, way smaller.

[1231] So I know.

[1232] So my nuts not as big.

[1233] It's a good thing to not have to think about shit like that.

[1234] My money, more problems.

[1235] Yeah.

[1236] Well, there is that to a certain extent, too.

[1237] you know but i i i remember very clearly when i was young when i first started making some money doing stand -up like like not having to worry about paying my bills anymore i remember that feeling yeah it was really when i got a development deal from based on stand -up uh for uh some disney thing and they they gave me like a chunk of money and i remember out wow there's some money in the bank right now i don't have to worry about now i can stop thinking about my bills for a while like it was a huge like what was the first thing you bought like without like you know i mean like going like you know like jethro bodine like what was the first thing you just pointed at and said i think a massage chair one of those massage chairs really yeah that was awesome like like a like a barca lounger they had a yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly and did it work yeah yeah really good the sharper image i remember that oh i remember that thing you remember that thing you threw it away no no i still have it actually that was like the first thing you went one of the first things i got when i got some money when i first came out to california and i was on a sitcom that was the first thing i got I got a fucking massage chair.

[1238] How long had you been an eyeball on it?

[1239] Well, I remember sitting in one of them at a mall and going, this is the most amazing invention of all time.

[1240] This is how the rich people live.

[1241] Rollers and tapers.

[1242] It goes like, down your back.

[1243] It's really pretty awesome.

[1244] Someday I'm going to be famous.

[1245] I'm going to get one of these.

[1246] The new ones are even better.

[1247] The new ones, your arms go into like cases and it massages your arms and your legs.

[1248] It massages your legs.

[1249] Yeah, it's really crazy.

[1250] Oh, yeah.

[1251] yeah it encases your leg and grabs it yeah you just have to hope it doesn't go haywire yeah what the fuck terminate around you earthquake happens you wouldn't get the fuck out of there it's how you trap yeah with the flashlight clamps you in we've actually we've actually got completely full circle while you're screaming for help you think I have to throw this flashlight as far away from me as possible so it seems like we're not connected this is how I'm going to go out just throw it down the hallway I think that's the way to go out though i i know people are always talking about being afraid to be found that way i say you know whatever it's not you're dead it's over it's an opportunity for people to make fun yeah put put a rubber fist in my ass a sap you know you even to face you even in favor of faking it yeah yeah oh that's beautiful you're a team player yeah always always again i know the distance for the laugh you know yeah got to do what you got to do you know i would only hope someone with a sense of humor would find me. Well, you know, there was that video of the guy who got fucked to death by a horse.

[1252] Have you seen that video?

[1253] I haven't watched it, but I know the movie Zoo.

[1254] Yes, exactly.

[1255] I heard you talking about it, but I was at Sundance when that movie was there, yeah.

[1256] When that guy died, that guy dying that way and that video being on the internet, that guy gave like a huge amount of people a big burst of positive energy.

[1257] Not a huge, not all.

[1258] I mean, I don't watch it.

[1259] I don't see positive.

[1260] Because I laugh, man. This fucking.

[1261] something funny.

[1262] There's a guy, and there's a guy helping the horse dick in his ass, and it's ridiculous.

[1263] It's one of the most ridiculous thing.

[1264] Talk about friends.

[1265] Yeah.

[1266] How do you make that call?

[1267] You go, hey, I want to fuck a horse, but I'm going to need a little help.

[1268] He says, how can I help you?

[1269] Well, you're going to have to put the horse dick in my ass.

[1270] All right, what time?

[1271] Well, they had done it many, many times.

[1272] Three is not good.

[1273] I have a manny patty.

[1274] Manipet.

[1275] They're going to stick it.

[1276] They've done it all.

[1277] You Yeah, I am...

[1278] They actually moved to Seattle just to do that.

[1279] I think it's weird that you can't watch Jackass, but you can watch that.

[1280] Well, it's a quick clip.

[1281] It's really quick.

[1282] So it's about the time.

[1283] Yeah, it's about, I mean, I'm sitting down watching Jackass.

[1284] I'm committing to an hour and a half of, you know, soccer kicks to the balls and horses running over people and...

[1285] Yeah.

[1286] Oh, get anxiety.

[1287] But a quick clip of a guy getting raped to death by a stallion.

[1288] Yeah, I can watch that, sure.

[1289] The math does not get up.

[1290] Fucked it down.

[1291] First of all, if there's a guy who's out there willing to do that, you need to know.

[1292] I just think you need to know to put it in your computer bank of human behavior.

[1293] This is the full spectrum.

[1294] You should know the full spectrum.

[1295] You shouldn't be shocked by the possibility.

[1296] But that's not even the full spectrum.

[1297] That's only the spectrum when they had a camera handy.

[1298] True.

[1299] You know, I mean...

[1300] Well, they had 100 hours of footage.

[1301] This is what happened.

[1302] The guy bled out.

[1303] They drive him to the hospital.

[1304] The police said, your friend's dead.

[1305] What's up with all the hay and blood around his house?

[1306] asshole and then they confessed and so they had to explain what happened and on the technicality it wasn't really illegal because they were living in Washington state and until this movie zoo came out when the movie zoo came out they changed the law right that was what the actual thing mean they had to have a fucking movie written about the fact that people were moving to their state specifically so they could get fucked by animals so his death was a romantic spat it It was a blip of laughter, a happy to smile, the feeling of, if your life is fucked up and you're, you know, credit card debt and you don't know what the fuck you want to do with yourself and somebody sends you a clip of a guy getting fucked to death by a horse.

[1307] But I mean, how far down do you go before that's what floats your boat?

[1308] It's not floating anybody's boat.

[1309] What it is is, oh, as him?

[1310] No, not the person watching.

[1311] I'm talking about the guy who's doing it.

[1312] Like, how do you get to that point?

[1313] Well, here's the other thing.

[1314] He also has piercings all over his balls.

[1315] And this is why they're related.

[1316] They think that people who get a lot of, like, genital piercings and things along those lines may be suffering not just from trauma, childhood trauma, which most likely there is some of that, too, and sexual trauma usually, but also that they might have a disorder that makes it very difficult for them to feel pain like a normal person.

[1317] So they try to get pain.

[1318] So they do things like pierce themselves in very sensitive areas and, you know, things things along those lines and that might also be connected to the idea of letting a horse fuck you it's like you know what I mean like they need like an extreme sensation they have a need for extreme sensation and that makes a sense that makes sense too to me if you just think about the variations and behavior and people that you've met well I could see it being completely haywire and being like that you know that may ball piercings needs a horse dick in his ass it's this the spectrum and the guy was like an architect man he's like a professional dude they probably have a lot of qualities that are all together yeah like like or like when they get married you know the guy takes on the woman's last name or something like that those same same kind of group of people um i guess so that is some weak shit the guy takes on the woman's name i know that is some weeks that's a battle you're already losing yeah i saw some some what reality show was it where they some guy did that recently I can't remember.

[1319] Well, I knew a dude who, the hyphen, hyphen names are even worse.

[1320] If you combine.

[1321] You combine both of your last names into one last name?

[1322] Well, that's, you know, that's our mayor.

[1323] You know, our mayor in California?

[1324] What the fuck is his name?

[1325] Aguilarlo?

[1326] I don't know.

[1327] What the fuck is his name?

[1328] It doesn't even matter, does it?

[1329] That's ridiculous.

[1330] But it does matter because what his name is, his name was like, okay, now I have to pull it up.

[1331] His name was not a Latino name.

[1332] And he combined his name with his wife's name.

[1333] It became a Latino name.

[1334] They got divorced.

[1335] He kept that.

[1336] It was ridiculous.

[1337] See, that's the kind of person that gets fucked in the ass by the horse.

[1338] Did you ever, I know Steve Martin, you said that was one of your influences for stand -up, I guess.

[1339] So was mine.

[1340] Did you ever get to meet Steve Martin?

[1341] Did you have any cool Steve Martin's story?

[1342] Well, I mean, I get, you know, now if I see him, we, we.

[1343] We will be friendly.

[1344] But the first time I met him, I was doing Letterman, and he said, he goes, hi, Howie.

[1345] And he thought I was Howie Mandeau.

[1346] Oh, no. And Howie's a nice guy and everything, but I felt like a Ming Vaz that got hit with a ball peen hammer.

[1347] I was like, oh, I'm not Howie Mandel.

[1348] All right.

[1349] That's hilarious.

[1350] It's nice to meet you, Mork.

[1351] No, I didn't say that back.

[1352] So you just played the role as Howley for the steward?

[1353] I did, actually.

[1354] I put a rubber glove on my head.

[1355] The mayor of Los Angeles, his name is Tony Villar.

[1356] That's his real name.

[1357] He calls himself Antonio Villargoza.

[1358] Yes.

[1359] He completely Latinoed the fuck out of his name.

[1360] He combined his name with his wife's name.

[1361] And then when they got divorced, he just kept riding the Latino bull.

[1362] That's ridiculous.

[1363] That's cute.

[1364] That shouldn't be legal.

[1365] That seems like a hoax.

[1366] what you shouldn't be able to just change your name and and oh you mean it's for voters yeah it just seems like it seems unethical i know a couple girls i want to change their names especially if it's your fucking former wives name man that's ridiculous well i think it's weird when you get a divorce and then the person still keeps the name yeah that's weird too not unless you have kids so it's less confusing but you know well they can do it forever too they can keep that shit forever.

[1367] Once they change their name, they just, they could just keep it.

[1368] Oh, they could just rock it forever.

[1369] Right.

[1370] It should expire.

[1371] Should totally expire.

[1372] It doesn't make any sense.

[1373] How could you be married for a year and that woman becomes.

[1374] How many years you were living with that person is how long they could have your name.

[1375] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1376] How's that?

[1377] That's a good one.

[1378] Yeah, because you can't marry.

[1379] But even then, that's ridiculous.

[1380] It should be half the time.

[1381] Get over it.

[1382] It should be, yeah.

[1383] I think, you know, well, for me, alimony is crazy because I'll be paying it until my, ex -wife passes away or gets remarried yeah what yeah how does that work well how are you responsible for a human for the list I'm looking at you she had to fuck this no I don't know I mean I think it's a but that sounds bizarre that people can never get their life together without you yeah that's it you tainted her you I am they're amazing she can't make a living there's no way it's impossible how are you going to hold up to Bob scratch gold farm after this yeah but it seems like you know like why should you be responsible for her for the rest of your life another adult another adult yeah it's so weird it's a childish law yeah it's terrible it's foolish you know but but when you get married you know that's you know you don't expect that you're going to get divorced so you know you're not thinking about that I mean I guess if you did you're kind of I guess that'd be healthier but it's also kind of a pessimistic way to enter relationship this is the law is just so preposterous it's just so ridiculous that you should have to pay for her forever like why why why this is it it did you take from her her ability to make a living did you take from her her ability to take care of herself of course she didn't no but i think it's it's it stems from a very old timey kind of thing like you know when the woman stayed at home and and you know weren't allowed to be professional and and get a job and stuff like that yeah you know but it's it's weird how many shit laws like that are in place it's like Whenever there's a situation where someone can get fucked, you know, and you do see it, like in the case of divorces and in like something like your case, where you have to pay someone for that many years, it is very, very frustrating.

[1384] It's very frustrating to see something that's not logical.

[1385] Well, it's not logical, but, you know, it's like the old street joke, you know, why is divorce expensive because it's worth it?

[1386] you know doesn't fuck with your hand that you have to send alimony it's worth it sometimes sometimes when I'm you know when I when I book the gathering of the juggaloes oh did you do that sure yeah wow it's part of the alimony you had a bunch of training I bet what was that like I don't know it's coming up oh Jesus and you have your spinning training you could probably dodge still yeah I'll go back to the serpentine serpentine holy shit that's a sweet gig Wow.

[1387] And you think about that when you get those gigs.

[1388] Yeah, when you get a call like that and you don't.

[1389] Actually, when I got the call for the gathering of the jugglers, I didn't think of it as a money gig.

[1390] I was like, yeah, all right, I'm there, whatever, man. This is going to be awesome.

[1391] That's going to be crazy.

[1392] Why are you smiling at me again?

[1393] Nothing.

[1394] It's hilarious.

[1395] I like taking gigs that other people wouldn't.

[1396] I do enjoy that for some reason.

[1397] I don't know why.

[1398] Did you take time off of Duel Standout?

[1399] Yeah, I did for.

[1400] years when I was directing the Kimmel show how much time did you take off it was then it was probably about three years maybe like about five altogether what what drew you back in it was it was you know going back making a living doing it was was what what drew me back in yeah I mean you know I don't like putting that out there it's like hey and now coming the stage a guy who's only here to make money it's Bobcat Goldway phoning it in you feel like you were phoning in or when you did it you actually just went out there no no when i got back i try to do comedy yeah i mean i have a blue collar uh background so my whole thing is actually trying to go out and do a show for people you know i mean it sounds corny and stuff but if if you're there to see me i try to work really hard now if i end up being on a bill with other comics then i don't mind screwing around you know i mean like at a comic relief when i dress up as Christ and do magic tricks, you know, water to wine, wine to water, tap the deck and back to rice again, you know, and I was the amazing Christ out and stuff.

[1401] But I mean, that's an example of me just having fun.

[1402] But if you come out to see my show, I am going to work really hard.

[1403] I mean, you know, you don't want to disappoint people that actually paid to see you.

[1404] Yeah, I feel the exact same way.

[1405] And I know what you're saying about it sounds kind of corny, but it's, it's admirable, you know.

[1406] I mean, that's the relationship.

[1407] That's how it's to be they're paying and you want to do the best fucking possible job you can to just the fact that you're asking people to pay to hear you talk sounds ridiculous yeah you got to work really hard you got to work really hard but you know uh my friend john evans and i always say this is kind of true unfortunately in comedy you're you're trying to keep the dumbest person in the room occupied you know what i'm saying uh -huh and that's why like when you know i do like making these small indie movies because you know the dumbest person goes to battleship you know i mean do you think that in this day and age that that has to be the case though no i think now that's why that's what's exciting about podcasts that's what's exciting about you know people are talking to their audience i think it's it's great like some people go uh think that well you know alternative comics or comics that just perform for their podcast crowds you know that's copying out that's you know it's harder just to be a bar comic and it's like well what's the big deal being a bar comic you know making every crowd again now if you can i never heard that argument that's a hilarious argument you know if you make every crowd if you can perform for every crowd and kill i guarantee you your act is about absolutely nothing do you know what i'm saying yeah i guarantee you there's some puppets involved or something there's nothing wrong with finding a crowd and the idea that you know you find your own crowd that's going to soften you up no way it's preposterous no because that's like Anybody interesting you ever watched when they found their own crowd, that's when they took off, you know, like Pry or Bill Hicks even, or, you know, I mean, people who had something to say.

[1408] Yeah, once you have people that are expecting you to be you, then you're fine.

[1409] You don't have to, everybody's got their own sense of humor, man. And to just have a show that says comedy is like just having a show that says music.

[1410] Yeah, you know, not knowing if it's going to be Barry Manilow or Guns and Roses or what the fuck it's going to be, you know?

[1411] Yeah, exactly.

[1412] it's just weird that comedy is so it's so generic you know and it's term well it's supposed to be yeah yeah but it's in its actual application though it's very it's very very different and it's very personal you know the idea that like well I didn't like your act and it's like well you know I don't want to be rude but I probably wasn't trying to entertain you that Holtzman guy that I was selling you is one of the funniest guys ever that people don't know of I brought some friends to the comedy store and they said you were so funny l -o -l but i have to tell you that one guy oh my god he needs to give it up he is just not funny it's so mean exclamation point see you at work see you on the set like oh okay everybody's different man that that twilight lady sells a lot of fucking books man yeah that's true people like it you know but to you or i it's shit would we want to read it no would we be angry if you wanted to talk about it probably but it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist well that's the thing it's like in the new movie you know and god bless america um people will go well this character should just turn off the tv and it's like well if you try to avoid this stuff you can't the movie would suck well yeah that's over he turns the tv off and he doesn't kill anyone he says uh i'm gonna go read a book got a fucking movie you want kid well that's the other thing like people are going, how could I do the Q &A and people going, they don't get caught man, they get caught.

[1413] It's like it's a movie, man. You know, you know, I wasn't going to have a scene where I kept cutting back to Harvey Keitel in front of a map going, I got to get inside their brain.

[1414] I got to figure out where they're going to hit next.

[1415] That would be funny if you did do that though.

[1416] Yeah, just a random that's the end of the movie.

[1417] To be continued, dot, dot, dot, Harvey Keitel looking down on a map.

[1418] Oh, one day.

[1419] In the desert.

[1420] They seem to be killing reality stars.

[1421] Someone, quick, get over to the Kardashians' house.

[1422] A -sap.

[1423] I figured it out.

[1424] That's the pattern.

[1425] What does it like to you to have grown up in an era with no internet, to grown up in an era with, you know, doing stand -up as a teenager with all these, like, real comics, to seeing shit like reality stars, to seeing shit like the Kardashians and Jersey Shore and housewives of this.

[1426] of that what is that is it freak you out at all does it worry you about the the course of our culture well I think yeah I mean you know it is what why do what's the point of these shows what's why are we fascinated why is it you know it's the Coliseum you know that's what we're doing now we're taking our week and and our dumbest and we're making entertainment out of them you know like Perry who said that I said that Well, I mean, you know, maybe you are what you hate.

[1427] I mean, maybe that's why I made the new movie, you know.

[1428] Kimmel said that, actually.

[1429] He said that.

[1430] Frank would shoot the people who made Windy City eat.

[1431] That's hilarious.

[1432] I think, you know, I don't get as angry about them, their success and stuff.

[1433] I'm more angry at our appetite for the distraction.

[1434] Do you have an appetite for it?

[1435] I used to, and I actually just liked the character about four or five years ago, I said, I'm out, you know, I'm not watching anymore.

[1436] What were you watching?

[1437] I would watch the freak show part of American Idol, you know, and then I started feeling really guilty, and I was like, I'm out, man, I'm out, I'm out.

[1438] Yeah, that was what was good about it.

[1439] What was good about it was that it was terrible.

[1440] And then I said, I can't do this.

[1441] I go, I, the, you know, the little ting it takes out of my soul.

[1442] I'm out.

[1443] Can you watch people bomb?

[1444] Yeah, I have no problem watching that.

[1445] Doesn't bother you at all?

[1446] Oh, it feels right.

[1447] Like, watching people eat shit is probably one of the few things that entertains me in a comedy club.

[1448] Really?

[1449] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1450] Wow.

[1451] Yeah, I have no compassion for them, you know.

[1452] I think it's great.

[1453] I love to watch someone eat shit.

[1454] Why is that?

[1455] Because, because here's the thing.

[1456] It's like, here's something at one point that I took really.

[1457] serious and you're trying to think that it's just easy or you just thinking that oh how about they just bombing they don't have to be thinking again again like a talented comedian bombing is hilarious you know I mean like you know I don't is it really oh my god Kevin Meaney bombing is the funniest thing on the planet okay you know I can see that he's very animated very funny guy it's the best Kevin Meaney bombing I don't care my jokes don't go over that's yeah but that's just Kevin Meen.

[1458] That's not even real bombing.

[1459] He's singing.

[1460] He's having a joyous time.

[1461] The real bombing is not knowing what's coming out next.

[1462] So what's next.

[1463] And you're just eating it up there.

[1464] And you can't remember your material and your fucking mouth is dry.

[1465] Bricks of shit are tumbling out of your mouth.

[1466] You're trying to pass them off as gold to the crowd.

[1467] It sounded like an M &M song there.

[1468] Over -hyping every fucking premise because you're going to, this is the one that's going to turn this set around.

[1469] I'm telling you, if you threw some beats to that Jag, you just went on.

[1470] That's an M &M song.

[1471] I feel it.

[1472] I feel it, yo.

[1473] I'm from the street.

[1474] I'm from the streets, man. I'm from...

[1475] Isn't everybody from a fucking street?

[1476] Yeah, man. Who's from the prairie?

[1477] I'm from the cul -de -sac, motherfucker.

[1478] I'm from such a New York, bitch.

[1479] You were around when you saw America pre -and -post -crack, too.

[1480] That's something people in their late 40s, uh have seen something that most people in this country didn't know existed there was a pre and post crack period right and a lot of people aren't aware of that like crime and cities and things accelerated dramatically yeah and that was about the same time that we dumped uh you know our mentally ill people out on the streets there's a regine ears yeah yeah yeah yeah do you remember when reagan was like the enemy do you remember when everybody hated regan no no Obama's quoting him and stuff it's so weird but regan you know uh You know, I remember, like, when they dumped the mentally ill and homeless folks on the street, it was like a switch.

[1481] It wasn't like, it was almost like instantaneously.

[1482] Homeless people everywhere.

[1483] Yeah, and how, you know, so that's like, you know, when people say, you know, the way we treat the mentally ill in our country, you know, is we just choose to ignore them.

[1484] Or we put them in movies.

[1485] Or you're not going to let it go, are you?

[1486] Because I've got people say because of the new movie, you know, what if somebody saw it and then went out and killed people?

[1487] And, you know, I have two responses to that.

[1488] One is if you could make people killers by making movies, the military would make more films.

[1489] And the other is if we're going to start banning violent works of fiction, we need to start with the Bible.

[1490] Those are my two.

[1491] I've said my piece.

[1492] Very good.

[1493] Very good.

[1494] Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[1495] The idea that you can't have violent fictions.

[1496] It's fun.

[1497] Violent fiction's great.

[1498] And it's actually been proven to, instead of, give people the need to go and commit crime, it actually satiates that crime, just like porn does for people.

[1499] Porn, like, people that have access to porn are less likely to rape.

[1500] It's like statistics that show this.

[1501] But the thing is, supposedly.

[1502] With the killers, it's, when people do do a colabine and stuff, it's easier to blame Marilyn and stuff than to look.

[1503] Those kids weren't even Maryland Manson fans, first of all.

[1504] It's just like some witch hunt.

[1505] And the thing is, whenever someone does snap, there's always, like, Gabby Gifford, you know, when someone snaps, that kid gave off a ton of signs.

[1506] It didn't happen one day.

[1507] You know, the teachers didn't want to show up when he was in his class, and they have security.

[1508] So we have, like, his whole ostrich, you know, we stick our head in the sand when someone's crazy and just hope that they don't snap.

[1509] Instead of, if you're on the left, you want them to get help.

[1510] If you're right, let's say you want them incarcerated.

[1511] But the way we treat people who are dangerous now with absolutely having no policies at all is way more dangerous than my goddamn movie.

[1512] So get off my dick.

[1513] Yeah, I hear you.

[1514] And those Columbine kids, weren't they on antidepressants?

[1515] Weren't they on something?

[1516] I don't know.

[1517] I mean, I don't know that.

[1518] I'm pretty sure they were.

[1519] I believe they were on something.

[1520] Columbine.

[1521] antidepressants.

[1522] It's probably probably the hottest kind of drug right now, Columbine, antidepressants.

[1523] Imagine living in that town, and that town is forever attached to a fucking, is the Columbine.

[1524] You know, you can say, don't go all Columbine on me. Right, right, right, right.

[1525] That's that school.

[1526] That's crazy.

[1527] I mean, that's that neighborhood, forever attached to, yeah, they run antidepressants, yeah.

[1528] Well, they say that, like, there's certain modes of antidepressants that aren't.

[1529] good for teens obviously that might be a case i think there's a lot of people i mean the antidepressant thing is a very it's it's not an exact sort of a methodology right they give them to you and they go we'll try this tell us how you feel and you can say i feel great and he's like good we're going to keep you at this dose you can say um i'm it's not feeling enough okay we're going to crank up your dose like they it's all based on you know how you how are you doing with this medication this one sucks we're going to try something new i've had friends that have gone through the three or four different medications that tells me that there's a lot of yeah it's not exact yeah or or friends who suddenly the personality's gone yeah which is weird too that's spooky that's like yeah i've seen people like everything becomes okay okay okay you know they just they stop caring they just doesn't whatever they're on whatever which one it is just shuts it all off it's okay right now my cat peeps laroo is on some heavy shit your cat is on some yeah she's uh yeah she's uh yeah Hopefully she'll be off of it soon, but yeah, she's a little zonked out.

[1530] What is she on?

[1531] I don't know.

[1532] Whatever we're giving her, every once in a while she will find them in the corner.

[1533] She, like, doesn't, she spits them out.

[1534] She's like, Angelie, Jolie, and Girl Interrupted.

[1535] I'm like, Pepys Ler is spitting out her antidepressants.

[1536] Well, you know, cat tranquilizers are actually a famous drug called ketamine.

[1537] Yeah, ketamine.

[1538] But I don't think she's on ketamine because one of them, my wife, had it a syringe in her mouth and she got some in her under her gum.

[1539] Oh, no. She goes, I hope it wasn't kidding me. Jesus Christ.

[1540] I'd be going in a K -hole tonight.

[1541] So you had to inject this fucking cat?

[1542] Well, inject it in a pill, too.

[1543] Wow.

[1544] Inject your cat.

[1545] Good fucking luck.

[1546] Well, I inject the widow, Madeline Perman, gets her insulin twice a day.

[1547] You have a cat that needs insulin?

[1548] Yeah, yeah.

[1549] Whoa, dude.

[1550] She's 15 years old.

[1551] Holy shit.

[1552] I have a lot of cats.

[1553] Do you want, how many cats do you have?

[1554] I have four cats.

[1555] I ain't a lot of cats.

[1556] Joey Diaz has 11.

[1557] Oh, really?

[1558] That's a lot of cats.

[1559] Oh, good.

[1560] I should talk to Diaz about it then.

[1561] That's good.

[1562] Joey Diaz lives in a two -bedroom apart with 11 cats.

[1563] It smells delicious.

[1564] It's beautiful.

[1565] He says he cleans the litter box every day.

[1566] You got it.

[1567] That's not enough.

[1568] I got four cats.

[1569] I got four boxes.

[1570] No waiting.

[1571] Yeah.

[1572] So I have two cats, two boxes.

[1573] What are your cats's names?

[1574] Oliver and Spaz.

[1575] Spaz?

[1576] Yeah.

[1577] And one?

[1578] wise spats was that she's just when she was a kitten she was a she would just run out of the room like something was chasing her out of nowhere like belashing the things and she was always knocking things over she's 15 years old and she's still actually a kitten that's uh i i probably am not so crazy about mankind but i i've got a lot of love for little animals every time i bring a cat home my wife's like she goes stop it she says you're the shindler of cats because you're fine cats that are yeah yeah yeah like squeaky frum i had a dog name squeaky from did you yeah redhead no oh she was uh she was uh brown but you named her squeaky from yeah that doesn't even make sense squeaky prom had red hair well when i when i met her uh her uh her voice was gone because she was in the pound and when she was barking she lost her voice so she was squeaky so i call the squeaky frown is because uh she'll kill for me no she'll kill for she'll kill for me she'll i can tell her to kill no she uh is squeaky from because she She was a dodgy redhead that I found on the streets of Hollywood.

[1579] I forgot.

[1580] I didn't even know that Squeaky Fromm was a redhead.

[1581] I don't think I, that was a wee bit before my time.

[1582] But she didn't actually, did she actually attempt to kill Ford?

[1583] Yeah, she tried to kill Ford, yeah.

[1584] She wasn't on any of the creepy crawley.

[1585] She wasn't on any of the Manson kills.

[1586] She was just, she lived at the Spawn Ranch.

[1587] And then I love the fact that I know all this about her, and I didn't know who the fucking mayor was.

[1588] Villarigosa Antonio Velarigoso But yeah So squeaky from Peeps Louro Oh the detective Carla Whiskerson That's the The latest cat And they blamed all that stuff on LSD Yeah That's what they blamed on You know they blamed this most recent Miami attack Did you see this guy Who bit the guy's face off Yeah The cannibals Yeah I didn't see the photos Don't pull them up though Don't show them on the news straight How dare you?

[1589] But the police are saying that the guy was on some new crazy potent form of LSD.

[1590] That's what they're saying.

[1591] But it's not LSD at all.

[1592] It's stuff called bath salts.

[1593] Do you know what bath salts are?

[1594] That's what he was on?

[1595] Yeah, he was on bath salts.

[1596] It's like a crystal meth that you can sell legally because they modify one of the molecules.

[1597] So do you know, like, for a long time, like...

[1598] Are you saying bath salts?

[1599] Bath salts.

[1600] That's what they call it.

[1601] Okay.

[1602] They call it bath salts and they can sell it in head shops.

[1603] and in different places, but essentially it's like a form of meth.

[1604] It's really, and it's legal.

[1605] See, if you have just one molecule, something's different from an illegal drug, you can make like cousins that have like very similar side effects, similar effects, and that's what they've done.

[1606] So it's essentially like a super potent form of meth, and this guy took it and ate a guy's face.

[1607] But does it make you hallucinate?

[1608] I don't know what the fuck it does.

[1609] to you.

[1610] Did he think the guy was a roast?

[1611] I think he just went fucking crazy.

[1612] I just think you went completely crazy.

[1613] There was another guy I think that was on meth that cut some guy's heart out recently.

[1614] Yeah, I think some people, you get the right mind with the right substance and they just completely lose their shit.

[1615] But this guy who was eating the face, he kept eating the face.

[1616] That's why it's newsworthy.

[1617] I mean, he was, no, seriously.

[1618] He used the guy's whole face.

[1619] He saw it, right?

[1620] Like people bite all the time in fighting.

[1621] but the fact that he was swallowing and then went back for more.

[1622] He ate the guy's face.

[1623] He held him down.

[1624] He ate his nose.

[1625] The guy was screaming and riding.

[1626] So the guy was not unconscious.

[1627] The guy was conscious the whole time.

[1628] While this guy ate his face.

[1629] He was conscious while the guy ate his face.

[1630] That sounds to the lamb's shit.

[1631] Yeah.

[1632] And the guy, I mean, he ate his whole face for people don't know.

[1633] I mean, his entire front of his face is missing.

[1634] His nose is missing.

[1635] His eyebrows are missing.

[1636] The guy just, it took a while.

[1637] The guy ate him for a while.

[1638] It's really incredible.

[1639] Was this guy part chimp?

[1640] Oh, no, just a regular dude.

[1641] Well, we're all part chimp, Bob.

[1642] Apparently.

[1643] Unless you believe in the Bible.

[1644] We're all part chimp, apparently, if you give me a red wine and bas salts.

[1645] And some bas salts.

[1646] I might bite your face off.

[1647] Yeah, that's a, I wonder if this guy is a squeaky clean record.

[1648] Who, the guy who bit the face off?

[1649] Yeah, here's his face.

[1650] No, dude.

[1651] Oh, good.

[1652] Fucker.

[1653] For the folks, you're very weird.

[1654] You didn't want to see that face And I didn't either I've seen it already Oh you saw it already Because like sometimes I listen to show I'm surprised at the stuff that you will watch And look at Like what?

[1655] Things that are violent You'll say hey check this out There's a guy who gets his arm ripped off Or whatever you know Yeah I will look at them Like tigers in the zoo Yeah someone gets in to take a picture And pull this whole fucking arm off Yeah I saw that video I like those videos And then you play yakety sacks under him.

[1656] What's yakety sacks?

[1657] The Betty Hill thing.

[1658] That makes anything funny.

[1659] Getting your arm ripped off at the zoo.

[1660] Oh, you fucking silly bitch.

[1661] Again, the guy who, now did the guy reach in or did the line just grab?

[1662] Well, there's a few of them out there.

[1663] There's a few videos.

[1664] In individual circumstances, I think a lot of them are the guys are reaching in trying to take pictures.

[1665] Oh, okay.

[1666] One of them, a guy got too close.

[1667] He sat with his back to the line.

[1668] lions and so that they could take a photo of him and the lions reached through and grabbed him and as they pulled him close they bit him and then they got his arm through and they just ripped his arm off his body wow yeah whoopsies is that on youtube well a couple of them some of them are on live leak they're on different websites like they'll find them on YouTube and they'll remove them because they're so gory yeah see there's so many things that are so gory that I don't want in my head you know I mean and I know that when the Alzheimer's kicks in that will be the only thing that'll be in a loop in my screen saver.

[1669] My screen saver will be a guy getting his nuts chewed off by a tiger.

[1670] That's so funny.

[1671] You know, I do know that when I'm senile, like two girls in one cup is going to be the only thing I can remember.

[1672] And they'll be like, let's not go see Grandpa.

[1673] He just talks about girls pooping and drinking it.

[1674] I think it's amazing that things like two girls, one cup can be that viral.

[1675] That's something can literally hit millions and millions and millions of eyes.

[1676] I think actually something like that is what will cause.

[1677] world peace or as you say the 100th monkey you know it will be two girls in one cup that'll be the universal thing yeah because it transcends nationalities and that's where it starts that's where the revolution starts yeah we realize we're all the same yeah because we're laughing at the same thing because we all not laughing but we all have the same reaction and that may stop wars that may turn everything around well it doesn't not everybody has the same reaction some people we're probably beating off to that.

[1678] Right?

[1679] Again.

[1680] I mean, there's a reason why there's that shit, that shit porn is out there.

[1681] Right.

[1682] Do they beat off to that?

[1683] Oh, yeah, I bet people are beating off to that face pick of that guy, the zombie guy.

[1684] Maybe.

[1685] Maybe they are.

[1686] There's probably two people at least.

[1687] Sure.

[1688] If you could think it, someone's doing it.

[1689] That Japanese guy cut his dick off and served it.

[1690] You would say no way.

[1691] Just when we were kids, you would say no way.

[1692] You know, in the 1980s, you'd say no no one's doing that no one's cutting the dick off and serving it that's an urban myth but they have photos.

[1693] What kind of wine do you serve with that?

[1694] I would say a white wine.

[1695] A white wine?

[1696] Yeah you don't want a lusty red wine when you have no dick.

[1697] Now if it was two buck fuck.

[1698] Now if it was a woman's genitals it's definitely a fish.

[1699] Yeah right so that would be a white wine.

[1700] Oh dare you.

[1701] Well it's an eel.

[1702] It's an eel.

[1703] You would have white wine with eel.

[1704] A eel.

[1705] How's your cock?

[1706] It's good.

[1707] No, I really don't know.

[1708] You didn't eat all of it.

[1709] I know here's the thing.

[1710] My eyes are bigger than my stomach.

[1711] When I came in here.

[1712] Imagine if you had to throw some of his cock in the garbage because they didn't finish it.

[1713] No one finished it.

[1714] A reheating the cock in the microwave the next day.

[1715] Don't take it so hard.

[1716] And since when is cannibalism legal?

[1717] How are you allowed to serve people human food?

[1718] No. Food human.

[1719] If you serve yourself, I guess, maybe it doesn't matter.

[1720] Is that the loophole for cannibalism?

[1721] I guess.

[1722] I guess if you eat yourself, I mean, what's the difference between that and when you chew the skin on your fingers?

[1723] Yeah.

[1724] When I eat my hair.

[1725] Whoa.

[1726] Yeah, but that's if you eat yourself.

[1727] Who the fuck?

[1728] What kind of fucking doctor remove that guy's cock?

[1729] I mean, we're in the Hippocratic oath.

[1730] It was the same doctor that did Kanye West's mother's lipo.

[1731] Oh, I'm going to say, oh, no, you didn't.

[1732] Oh, come on.

[1733] Oh, no, he didn't.

[1734] Damn, Kanye's got to get it.

[1735] Oh, no, he didn't.

[1736] Well, I mean, what kind of doctor are you said?

[1737] They're not like one out of a hot dick They're not someone at a top -notch hospital is what I'm saying That's not a doctor I mean a doctor's supposed to That's like against the Unless in Japan is different Maybe the doctor felt that this This guy probably had some sort of mental disorder That felt that his penis was holding him back So this guy was helping him by removing his penis Well he said he was asexual You know that he does not not That he's not male or not female but both but what he meant was that he has no desire for sex nothing yeah that he had no need for his junk that that's probably like abuse right wouldn't you assume i'm guessing this guy was in his 50s no 22 22 and you're done you're over your junk yeah wow wow yeah what kind of chef are you at 22 he apparently didn't go to one of the finer culinary you'd save your dick for later when you're really good yeah when you know what you're doing Oh, I should have T -boned it.

[1738] I should have butterflyed it.

[1739] Now, the way the sauce that I use now with cock and balls.

[1740] Oh, my goodness.

[1741] Cock and balls.

[1742] Everybody, all they said to was they could taste the butter.

[1743] That's all they tasted.

[1744] There is no feno.

[1745] Get some cockamol.

[1746] Removes cock.

[1747] Fish dicks in his mouth.

[1748] This poor fucking guy, man. I mean, just think of what a ridiculous idea that is, how years later.

[1749] Well, that's the thing.

[1750] Think about what you.

[1751] did in your youth and then you you know i mean i mean now i don't feel bad about being in police academy two and three and four at least i didn't cut my cock off and serve it yeah this guy he had this oh my god there's photos of it oh right oh my god dude okay heart chaos go to heart chaos i'm not going to see that i don't care well it's it's it's like google up as food i don't want to see it all right just google it like like you need to look at it you need to look at it exactly like i don't want to see it, like, if I get Alzheimer's.

[1752] Was it boiled or was it cooked?

[1753] It looks like, I don't want to tell you, man. He's slicing it up.

[1754] Oh, okay.

[1755] It's hardcore, man. So it's like shashimi.

[1756] No, it's cooked.

[1757] Cook dick and balls.

[1758] This is horrific, man. This guy cut his fucking dick and balls off and made people eat it.

[1759] And who's eating it?

[1760] A bunch of people.

[1761] They have to pay a lot of money per table.

[1762] And now they're all on the same frat.

[1763] Oh, God.

[1764] This is a scary shit, man. It's Pledge Week, motherfucker.

[1765] I just, you know, I would love to just talk to the guy.

[1766] Are you sure?

[1767] Man, let's think this over.

[1768] Even if you, you know, you don't want to have sex anymore, you don't have to remove your dick.

[1769] Yeah.

[1770] Like, you can just not have sex.

[1771] That's an angry breakup.

[1772] Yeah.

[1773] That's a really angry breakup.

[1774] Yeah, his dick did something.

[1775] He's like saying, you know, fuck you.

[1776] I'm going to eat my dick now.

[1777] Wow.

[1778] There's no law against cannibalism in Japan.

[1779] As long as you acquire that, I'm guessing, so you could, like, if someone donated their body when they died, you could eat it?

[1780] I guess you could.

[1781] Yeah.

[1782] Jesus, it's still frightening.

[1783] This is something crazy.

[1784] Days after his 22nd birthday, the artist underwent elective general removal surgery.

[1785] divided up the severed penis shaft testicles and scrodle skin between five people and garnished it with button mushrooms and Italian parsley.

[1786] That's what I wanted to know.

[1787] That guy literally made people eat his dick.

[1788] Button mushrooms.

[1789] Bold.

[1790] I would want with like an asparagus.

[1791] Wow.

[1792] This is the spectrum, man. This fits right in the spectrum.

[1793] No, but I mean, that's the bottom or top of the spectrum, whichever way you want to go.

[1794] You really think so?

[1795] I think the bottom is people eating other people.

[1796] But do you think things have gotten any weirder?

[1797] I don't.

[1798] I think we just now know about it.

[1799] I think the exposure to different things is certainly jaded people, and it's certainly reflected in porn.

[1800] In porn is where people are naked and, you know, seeking pleasure, right?

[1801] Well, when you look at porn, you can see a clear change between the way people were before the internet and the way people are after the internet.

[1802] First of all, the porn industry vanished.

[1803] There's no industry anymore it's all like free stuff it's all everything's online it's free like very few people are paying for it much less and second of all it's fucking violent man a lot of it is like choking and slapping and gagging and and and opening up your eyelids and shooting loads into your eyes and shooting loads of the glasses and making you drink them i tell you i'm watching i'm paying for porn more than i've ever paid for in my life just because of webcams well yeah but you're you're broken man but there's just more people you're crazy you you pay for webcams that's what you're doing yeah tipping girls oh okay so you're like getting on webcam with them well no no i mean they see you those you know like the websites we've talked about oh right you know where you just sit there and you know they're talking to you back and forth and then and that's how you're beating off these days hell yeah wow that's the best oh it's the best for somebody that likes amateur it's it's completely like heaven because now you fall in love with the girls and asking me hey where are you no but it's it's it's it's way better for anyone that masturbates in porn wise now because now you get to they talk to the people.

[1804] It's like being in a strip club where they're sitting on your lap.

[1805] But you're talking.

[1806] You're not typing.

[1807] You know, you're typing, but on some of them, you can pay for like a private room.

[1808] But it's more like, it's like a huge chat room.

[1809] It's like watching this, like on You stream where you're just sitting there and getting to know the girl, the girl's talking back and forth.

[1810] Then you tip her like 20 tokens, which is like a dollar.

[1811] And then she's like, oh, thank you.

[1812] Oh, here.

[1813] Here's my tits.

[1814] Oh, what do you want?

[1815] That's all you have to tip them is a dollar?

[1816] What kind of third world fucking webcams they've tuned into.

[1817] They've changed, no, they've changed it to, like, where it's like a token amount, so it's really confusing.

[1818] So, like, kind of like Xbox points.

[1819] So you might be into it a lot more than you think.

[1820] Yeah.

[1821] Well, no, I mean, I'll put $20 into my account, it'll last me a month.

[1822] And it's just like fucking chicks, like hot, normal girls that are in, a lot of these girls get to block the state that they live in so that no one, their coworkers don't know about it and stuff like that.

[1823] So these girls are just fucking normal girls that, like, I just got off of all of garden.

[1824] But there's, you can screen capture them.

[1825] They don't know that.

[1826] They, like, all these websites are saying...

[1827] They're not smart.

[1828] They're like monkeys.

[1829] They're not techs.

[1830] Barely humans, man. All these girls are saying, because I've actually heard people talk about this before, is like, oh, no, they have this protective, you know, technology, so that can't happen.

[1831] And I'm like, whatever, I do it all the time.

[1832] Can't happen.

[1833] That's not nonsense.

[1834] So these girls are throwing away their lives.

[1835] How far down the rabbit hole have you gone?

[1836] I mean, do you...

[1837] Like $40.

[1838] But, I mean, have you talked to them outside of sexual things?

[1839] No, no, no, no. Are they, like, using toys and stuff?

[1840] Is that what they're doing?

[1841] They're using toys.

[1842] This one girl has a fuck machine that she built that looks like an erector set.

[1843] I don't know.

[1844] But it's using, like, I think of - Imagine trying to make that girl come.

[1845] Yeah.

[1846] But it's awesome.

[1847] She'll sit there and just, like, broken, calloused vagina.

[1848] This over -stimulated from this fuck machine.

[1849] She's sitting at this jackhammer.

[1850] Yeah.

[1851] But it's great.

[1852] Like, the more you tip, the faster she takes it.

[1853] And you see, they're selling these.

[1854] These are girls, like, fucking trying to sell a new thing.

[1855] So she'll have this fuck machine fucking are really slow.

[1856] And she's like, ah, and then the more she gets in tips, the faster she goes.

[1857] And then it goes to, like, where she's just getting fucking nailed.

[1858] But she also just made $1 ,000, you know?

[1859] So, and it's completely free, like, all these, like, my pre -cans.

[1860] You know, I predicted all of this when I was a young man. Did you?

[1861] No. How fucking weird this is?

[1862] How fucking weird is this?

[1863] But, you know, that's -fing to get the machine that's fucking.

[1864] A fucking a woman that's in another state to get fucked harder.

[1865] It sort of backs up my point is that things, things are different.

[1866] They are different.

[1867] This is the starting pistol to the fucking anarchy.

[1868] Yeah, this is insane.

[1869] Yeah, fuck Rome.

[1870] Rome had nothing on us.

[1871] Yeah, and where are we going in two years, man?

[1872] Where are we going in two years?

[1873] Is there going to be a two years?

[1874] I'm not that pessimistic.

[1875] What about the Mayans, man?

[1876] The Mayan calendar, man. Yeah.

[1877] Well, whatever, the Mayans didn't predict whatever took them down.

[1878] you know, how good was their calendar?

[1879] Maybe their calendar was, yeah, like 12.

[1880] They actually recently found a new version of the Mayan calendar that's even older that has everything past December 21st, 2012.

[1881] It's like we just saw, I mean, they would, like, why keep going?

[1882] The fuck, they lived thousands of years ago.

[1883] Was that not ambitious enough that they made a calendar up to 2012?

[1884] Everybody assumed, this must mean it's the end of the world.

[1885] They stopped here.

[1886] Yeah, I don't even put anything.

[1887] three months ahead on my Google calendar.

[1888] Yeah, exactly.

[1889] So I'm expecting the Mayans to block out 2 ,000 years ahead.

[1890] December 21st, man. 2012.

[1891] I think it's going to be another Y2K sort of situation.

[1892] Remember that?

[1893] Everybody's terrified.

[1894] Yeah, yeah.

[1895] I think, I haven't even given it any thought to buy it at all, at all.

[1896] You are concerned that there is a possibility that we could fuck up the world within the next few years.

[1897] Well, I do question constantly like you know where are we going as people like you know where where just where we going I mean I think you know I know you're a fan of the technology but a lot of the technology I think does help us isolate you know people don't communicate people comment and blog instead of actually use the protocol of conversations which is like you know there's boundaries when you're standing next to someone talking you know and so and and yeah I do wonder where we're going as this over entitled sense of everywhere you go you should be connected into the internet and not you know you don't have to acknowledge the people that are four feet in front of you it's weird man well the idea is that they're mutually exclusive the idea is that you can't have ethics and morals and be friendly and nice and be on the internet I think that's kind of silly I think what it is is we've removed social cues we remove the interaction of the one human to another where there's you have a direct result of the things you say If you say something negative, you see it in a person's face, you feel it.

[1898] Right.

[1899] You don't feel shit when you just rag on people from your snarky blog.

[1900] Right.

[1901] You know, you just write some cunty words down designed to get some sparks.

[1902] Right.

[1903] And I think we could both as comics relate to that.

[1904] We've all said things that we probably didn't really necessarily mean, but we knew would get a good response.

[1905] Right.

[1906] Like the guy who just made the Cognay West mom's joke.

[1907] Yeah, exactly.

[1908] But here's the thing.

[1909] I have to feel the repercussions from that.

[1910] If he comes after me, I have to apologize.

[1911] because I did step over the line, honestly, when I said that.

[1912] Right.

[1913] So, but the anonymous nature of it makes it okay, you know, and that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, it's, but I don't think it's necessary.

[1914] I think, I think, uh, I think you can surround yourself with a group of people, even online, if you construct your own, like, I have a message board, and I try the hardest I can to cut all the cunts out.

[1915] When, whenever people just start getting really insulting for no reason or just negative, I just, I just, I get rid of them.

[1916] cut them out.

[1917] I send them to a pink room.

[1918] I have a room where their names are all pink.

[1919] And now they can only post in this new place called the cunt farm.

[1920] And then, you know, it just tries as hard as, I mean, it's not completely, it's not flawless.

[1921] Still a lot of assholes slip through the cracks.

[1922] But I have a friend who's on social media and she's in showbiz, I'd say.

[1923] And people will post or tweet something about her and she'll respond and then they always back down and they go oh I didn't know you really trying to get a rise out of you yeah but it just seems so crazy well because people feel inadequate and they feel like someone is doing something that they can't do or on a television show and they can find they're not in the same situation as that person but they find a flaw they find a weakness they find something and they just lash out and what they're really lashing out it's not that you know her acting is so atrocious it really drives him nuts to the point where he's got to lash out and attack her No, it's just, he's just, he hates his own life.

[1924] Right, right.

[1925] He hates his own life, so he finds weaknesses.

[1926] Everybody's saying, I exist and stuff.

[1927] And a lot of, yeah, I understand all that, but I don't even think that's the, the fact that we really are, I don't know where we're going.

[1928] I mean, really, you know, and you ask yourself, am I part of the problem, or am I contributing to it?

[1929] I mean, I'm not on social media, and I don't think of that as.

[1930] You were for a while?

[1931] Were you on Twitter for a while?

[1932] No. That was a fake account.

[1933] There's been fake me, you know.

[1934] know, which kicking off the fake me was pretty funny because it was such a huge hassle where I had to send in my passport saying that I'm me, giving out my passport information.

[1935] You know, I mean, that's pretty weird.

[1936] Wow.

[1937] To Twitter.

[1938] To Twitter to prove that I'm me. You know, so, yeah.

[1939] And I, you know, I have said, like, why would you say you're me in cyberspace?

[1940] Because my daughter once came in back when, you know, MySpace.

[1941] She was like, Dad, there's some guy trying to get pussy saying he's you on MySpace.

[1942] I was like, oh, well, we got to stop him.

[1943] No, but it really wasn't me. But, yeah, just recently I kicked the guy off Twitter, a couple Twitter things.

[1944] How come you have no desire?

[1945] Because I really don't give a shit what Poet War your 69 thinks of me. And the other part of it is, I already know that it's a wormhole I would go down and not come back out.

[1946] You know, like I would rather spend my time being creative.

[1947] Now, as a comedian, I really should be out there so I could plug my dates and all that stuff.

[1948] But I think it's the exposure.

[1949] To be that exposed to people, that I don't like the idea of that.

[1950] And then also, it feels like another job, you know, the constantly writing material and posting it and stuff, you know.

[1951] We don't have to constantly.

[1952] One of the things that happens is develop like a little community and they send you cool shit and you can just retweet them.

[1953] You know, sometimes when I'm running around the day and I don't have time to write anything and put it on Twitter, but I'll occasionally check in and I get these really weird, crazy tweets where people send me some nutty, fascinating thing and I'll retweet it and then, you know, it develops like a whole community of people like looking out for that stuff and people that like that stuff and every, you know, and I think it provides a service too.

[1954] It provides a connection.

[1955] You know, you're the catalyst and you connect all these hundreds of thousands of people together and you exchange ideas.

[1956] I think that's nothing but, good you know the the thing about it is trying to make sure that you don't overuse it you know you don't you could get stuck on twitter all day just responding to people and never never leave your office and never never leave in front of the computer you really could sure of course you got to learn how to walk away at a certain point in time for sure and you know got to learn how to not not let it be obsessive but as a comedian it's an amazing tool yeah you still do morning radio and all that kind of Yeah, yeah.

[1957] You don't have to do that if you ever.

[1958] You don't have to do it anywhere.

[1959] That sounds really good.

[1960] Twitter and podcast, it removed that.

[1961] Yeah.

[1962] We don't do that anymore.

[1963] Wow.

[1964] Like we have a show tonight that Joe put up, started talking about yesterday, and it's almost sold out.

[1965] Yeah, we just decided to do a show.

[1966] We said, oh, we're going to do it.

[1967] By the way, if you want to get it, get tickets now.

[1968] It's Ari Sheffier, Joey Diaz, me, Christina Pizziske, is John Heffron coming?

[1969] John Heffron's not, but Randy Licky from Bonesonez.

[1970] Powerful.

[1971] It's a serious show, and it's only 15 bucks.

[1972] And it's at the Ice House Comedy Club, which is one of the oldest clubs, if not the oldest in the country.

[1973] This place started in 1950, and it's just a super cool club filled with everyone that works here is like really nice.

[1974] It's like a good vibe place, right?

[1975] We love doing the podcast here too.

[1976] Yeah, it's like, it's such a warm environment.

[1977] It's like they're cool people.

[1978] So you'll like coming here.

[1979] And so it's big show tonight.

[1980] It's at 10 o 'clock.

[1981] Anything else, man?

[1982] No, that's it.

[1983] You can get my new movie, God Bless America on VOD.

[1984] And all the other movies are on Netflix, Sleeping Dogs Live, World's Greatest Dad.

[1985] All my movies have, the last ones are World's Greatest Dad.

[1986] God bless America.

[1987] My buddy mine, Bill DeLap's like, so is the next one to be, I'm with Stupid?

[1988] It's the T -shirt or Coffee Mug series.

[1989] Is that what you're doing?

[1990] I might be coincidentally.

[1991] No, I don't know why.

[1992] I mean, I'm going to probably break it soon and make a movie without a three -name title that could fit out a T -shirt.

[1993] If you come back again, I promise you, I will see World's Greatest Dad, and I will see, God Bless America.

[1994] We'll discuss both of them next time we come back.

[1995] Cool, man. Thanks for having me out.

[1996] Oh, it was a lot of fun, man. I really enjoyed it.

[1997] I appreciate it.

[1998] Very much.

[1999] Thank you, Bob Kat, Goldthwaite, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you to the Flashlight for sponsoring our lovely podcast.

[2000] That's it for the week.

[2001] We gave you three this week, you've dirty freaks.

[2002] Next week, I don't know who we got.

[2003] We got some people coming up, though.

[2004] John Anthony West is June 7th, so that's not next week, right?

[2005] That's like a couple weeks.

[2006] I don't know who we got next week.

[2007] got some people online though maybe we'll get brad uh brad william we got a lot a lot of fun shit coming up though ladies and gentlemen so thanks to uh the fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast go to joe rogan dot net click on the link for the fleshlight and enter in the code name rogan is save yourself some money 15 % off exactly also thank you to on it dot com that's o n i t makers of alpha brain shroom tech sport shroom tech immune well i shouldn't even list all the supplements because we got a lot of new shit coming too and eventually it's going to be stupid i'm not a fucking catalog.

[2008] Okay.

[2009] Onit .com.

[2010] Oh, and N -N -I -T.

[2011] Use the code name Rogan, save 10 % off any and all orders.

[2012] That's it.

[2013] The show's over.

[2014] Ice House Tonight.

[2015] Ice House Tonight, yeah.

[2016] 10 o 'clock show.

[2017] Oh, and if you want, if you get here at 830, Joey Diaz has a one -man show.

[2018] Like, he tells stories in the OR.

[2019] So you could have a double Desquod evening.

[2020] That's at 830, right?

[2021] Is that sold out?

[2022] Is Joey sold out?

[2023] I'm not sure.

[2024] All right.

[2025] All right, we love you guys.

[2026] We'll see you soon.

[2027] Buy my Desquot.

[2028] Oh, yeah.

[2029] Go to Desquod .com.

[2030] TV, buy the shirt.

[2031] Oh, and if you want to see the Ice House Chronicles tonight, I'm going to be on, but a little bit later, go to they're only available on iTunes.

[2032] If you go to iTunes, subscribe to Death Squad, and you can get that, the Ice House Chronicles.

[2033] And it's a discount.

[2034] A discount.

[2035] For 15 % off your mother's cunt.

[2036] Go fuck yourself.

[2037] Go fuck yourself.

[2038] Go crab it.