Transition Trouble? How To Get Quick Compliance

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[24] Hey, turn your video games off now.

[25] It's dinner time.

[26] If I have to call you again, you know, how many times do I have to tell you guys, honey, pick up your Legos.

[27] Come on, we've got to go to the store.

[28] Come on, pick up your Legos.

[29] Look, listen, if I have to tell you again, I'm going to take those Legos and I'm going to put them in a bag and give them away to a child who actually needs them and values them.

[30] How many times have you said these things today?

[31] times you said these things all the time, right?

[32] Transitions are really, really difficult for our kids.

[33] And part of the reason is you have these kids and sometimes it's tough to get them to do something new, right?

[34] So they're kind of hesitant, they have anxiety about new things.

[35] But once they get into it, then they lock in because they can hyper -focus and then you have a hard time getting them to stop doing what they're doing and come eat, put their shoes on, whatever you want them to do.

[36] That's what we're going to talk about today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[37] So welcome.

[38] This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

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[53] So let's talk about the transitions.

[54] I was doing a phone consultation today and some really good parents were struggling with the transitioning their child to come to dinner, to come do anything, right?

[55] And so, listen, I have no problem at all with saying, look, you don't come to dinner when I call you the first time, you're not eating dinner.

[56] I'm just not going to feed you.

[57] Seriously, you withhold food from a child?

[58] Absolutely.

[59] Hunger is very motivating.

[60] It's not my go -to, but it's reasonable.

[61] Or if they don't come down, you don't take them places.

[62] I don't mind harsh consequences as long as you do it in an even matter -of -fact manner.

[63] You don't talk a lot and you just do what you said you were going to do.

[64] Don't have a problem with that at all.

[65] The problem is it usually doesn't work with these kids, right?

[66] And that's the hard part.

[67] Like when I'm talking to people on the phone, I always hear the guys and the guys are kind of one of like, well, when do we give the consequences?

[68] I'm like, let me ask you a question.

[69] If consequences worked, you wouldn't be talking to me now, would you?

[70] And they're always like, yeah, I guess not.

[71] Right?

[72] Because it doesn't, they don't work.

[73] And the kids won't care because they'll just stay upstairs and they probably hoard food anyway.

[74] So they don't even need dinner and they know that eventually you'll give in because you don't want your child going to bed hungry and all those other reasons and i get that so what's another way to handle it and so there are a lot of ways to handle but i try to keep these very focused um the podcast focused so i can come up with kind of one main idea because i know you have a probably a billion messages hitting you each day.

[75] So here's the one idea today.

[76] It's going to be on intensity, intensity of connection.

[77] Really, really important.

[78] By the way, people have been asking, well, how are your CDs and downloads different from the podcast?

[79] Well, the difference is that in the CD programs that come as downloads also, so you can get physical CDs and or the downloads.

[80] And if you buy the physical CDs, you automatically get the downloads.

[81] So you can have them on your multiple devices so that everybody in your family can listen and the grandparents can listen and the kids can listen and everybody can listen on their phones uh iPad tablet laptop big clunky computer whatever so the difference is on those programs I can go into a ton of detail and I do and I can show you eight different options one after another for each different situation and explain why it works and we go into detail and we give you actual scripts I try to do that on the podcast too, but it's much more kind of focused on the podcast on one simple thing, because otherwise they'd be three -hour podcasts, and I'm not Joe Rogan.

[82] So the, so transitions, let's talk about this.

[83] So what we were talking about when we were doing that phone consultation today was let's use some intensity.

[84] And the analogy I used that seemed to hit home with this couple was I said to the mom, listen, imagine that you're telling your husband something that's important to you.

[85] and he's like, oh, yeah, mm -hmm.

[86] Oh, that's interesting, honey.

[87] But he's not really paying attention because he's looking down his phone or he's reading something or doing something else.

[88] You don't feel heard and you don't feel like it's not complete, right?

[89] And so you can't really move on because you wanted to share something that was important to you.

[90] And there's something really powerful about a spouse or anyone in your life saying, wow, where did you read that?

[91] Where did you hear about that.

[92] That's really interesting.

[93] And then if you ask a couple questions about it, like, well, what do you think about that?

[94] Well, now it's like it's complete.

[95] We completed that whole, that whole interaction there.

[96] And it's not just about feeling heard.

[97] It's about the intensity of it.

[98] It's the intensity of the connection.

[99] And it changes things.

[100] But it doesn't take that long.

[101] You can have a really intense connection for like a minute and a half and just feel very connected with someone because they were locked into you and asked you a couple questions.

[102] So let's do this.

[103] I want to do this because I want to show you that this works for toddlers, for elementary school kids, for middle school and high school kids, toddlers to teens.

[104] All the principals work.

[105] You just apply them in a little bit different way.

[106] But say you have a toddler.

[107] If you ever hear me, by the way, I try to be very vulnerable with it and honest.

[108] When I'm speaking and doing this, I've got some notes written down, but then things pop into my mind.

[109] And I just had this really great example that I used to tell at live events all the time.

[110] And I was just thinking, do I tell that?

[111] So let me give my first one.

[112] So toddler, building with his Legos, right?

[113] You need them to put up his Legos, and you need to come to dinner, come put his shoes on because you've got to go.

[114] And so it's typically what I started this out with.

[115] Hey, pick, pick your Legos up.

[116] Jonathan, Jonathan.

[117] Pick your Legos up.

[118] If you, right, you know where that goes, it tends not to work, and you end up yelling.

[119] Now, sometimes they'll do it after you end up yelling, but then you feel bad because you yelled, and it took way too long.

[120] But picture this, and this still works if you've got three, four, five kids, because the stuff, what I try to teach is that it doesn't take a long time.

[121] It just needs some, you have to be purposeful and intentional about it, and there's got to be a little bit of, intensity with it.

[122] So imagine this.

[123] You walk into the living room and you just sit or you take a knee on the floor and you look at what your child has been building and you say, wow, that's really cool what you built.

[124] Listen, I'm going to pick this up and put it on a table so the dog doesn't knock it over and let me snap a quick picture of it and we'll send it to your dad or to your grandparents, whatever.

[125] And now I'm transitioning and saying that was really cool.

[126] Listen, I need your help.

[127] Just do me a favor.

[128] Could you go put your shoes on because I want to talk to you about X when we get in the car?

[129] So there's an intensity that took literally 30 seconds of me going in, but I was physically in some proximity.

[130] I knelt down because this is a toddler or a little child and I looked at it and I said, that's really cool.

[131] Now part of it is anticipating some of the issues, right?

[132] Like, I don't want to go because if I leave my Legos or if I leave this on the floor or what I just built or I made or my clothes or my doll, then the dog's going to take it when I go, right?

[133] That's what's behind a lot of the meltdowns in your little kids.

[134] It's anticipating what they're thinking about.

[135] See, in my mind, here's what my goal is.

[136] I got to get them ready because we need to go.

[137] And so I am full bore into it.

[138] You need to pick up your stuff.

[139] You need to get your shoes on.

[140] We need to go.

[141] And I'm anticipating the struggle.

[142] because your kids are down with the struggle all the time and I'm anticipating that as a parent and so I'm getting kind of locked into things and what happens is my tone gets a little bit shorter my voice is a little bit more tense and it's all see can you feel it it's all about me and I need to get this done right now and that almost always backfires and I will tell you your kids aren't rejecting you they're not rejecting your authority they're rejecting your anxiety.

[143] They're rejecting that tone.

[144] But when I take 30 seconds and I walk in, I say, that's really cool.

[145] See, faces light up.

[146] Now it changes things.

[147] Listen, we need to go.

[148] So I'm going to put this up on the table.

[149] I'll snap a quick picture.

[150] We're going to send it to your grandparents because it's so cool.

[151] Listen, I need a favor.

[152] Put your shoes on and I'm going to meet you out in the car.

[153] We need to go out in the car.

[154] And when we're in the car, here's what I want to talk to you about.

[155] I'm leading Does that make sense?

[156] I once did a, it's on one of the CD programs.

[157] I think it's on the discipline that works or the defines and disrespect.

[158] I can't remember.

[159] But it's a story about a little girl and mother takes her out to a restaurant and they need to get going, right?

[160] And so the mom's like, honey, you need to go.

[161] And the daughter is looking at a little fish tank in the restaurant because they've got like little fish in there and it's really cute.

[162] And at the end of the story, by the end of the story, mom is yanking on her daughter's arm but her daughter pulls her arm up her mom gets jacket and her daughter spins out and the mom's left with just holding a jacket is furious and they fight the whole way to the car and then on the way fighting the daughter drops something that's really special to her and now she's melting down as mom like kind of slams her into the car seat right and crunches all the goldfish in it and now the daughter's lost it because she dropped something on the ground right and that whole thing it takes minutes and minutes and eventually into hours.

[163] But in this situation, if the mom would have just gotten on her knee and said, whoa, those fish are beautiful, which one's your favorite one?

[164] Mommy, I love the goldfish.

[165] I love them too.

[166] Listen, we need to go pick up your brother right now.

[167] Why don't we talk about in the car, right?

[168] And then you lead to something else.

[169] Maybe it's with an elementary school child and he's playing video games, right?

[170] Those are, look, it's almost impossible because, watch, this is what I was going over in the phone consultation today.

[171] I was like, listen to what the kids here.

[172] I'm doing something that's more fun than anything else in the world and now you want me to stop doing that and come sit at the table where I'm not going to like the food and I'm probably going to get yelled at because I can't sit still.

[173] Yeah, probably not happening, right?

[174] And I'm not saying there's anything wrong.

[175] Like, you have to tell your kids to stop doing stuff.

[176] But again, a quick, quick little thing of popping your head in the room and saying, hey, what game are you playing today?

[177] And then asking a question specific on them about Roblox or about if they're playing like a little battle game with an army, like how'd your army do today?

[178] How'd you do with a strategy today?

[179] Right.

[180] Ask them a question.

[181] What level did you get to?

[182] What's your goal next time you play?

[183] Hey, listen, you need to turn that off because I need your help with something.

[184] Could you come help me?

[185] And so my transition, when I go in with some intensity, I acknowledge that what they've been doing is fun.

[186] Should you have to do this?

[187] Absolutely not.

[188] Should you just be able to say, hey, dinner, be here right now.

[189] I get it.

[190] But if that worked, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast.

[191] And so you acknowledge with some intensity.

[192] You may ask them a question.

[193] By the way, understand what your kids are playing.

[194] I eventually learned about Casey's video games that he played because I wanted to be able to ask very specific questions.

[195] Because when you ask a specific question from another human being, it shows that you care about them, that you're interested in them, and that you understand what they're doing.

[196] And so I would ask him very specific questions, and I would get very specific answers from him, we'd engage for a minute, and then I would transition.

[197] and when I say you need to turn that off, that language is always very even, a matter of fact, and that energy comes back to, hey, here's what we need to do next.

[198] With an older child, right, here's our phrase, and I love this, connection before compliance.

[199] Sure, I want your child to comply.

[200] I want them to listen to you.

[201] They should listen to you.

[202] But what I found in life, and this works for you as well, is people tend to comply after you have first connected.

[203] Quick example, boss walks into your cubicle and starts barking orders at you.

[204] You need to do this, this, and this.

[205] Well, sure, you'll have to do that because he's the boss or she's the boss, and that's the authority figure.

[206] And you'll do it, but you won't necessarily do it with a good attitude.

[207] But if your boss were to come into your cubicle and stand there or sit down even and say, hey, really nice job on the last couple projects, and I know your daughter was sick last week, how's your daughter feeling?

[208] And even if your boss was faking it and took 30 seconds a minute to connect with you personally and then said, listen, I know you're backed up, you've got a lot of work.

[209] My boss just dumped a couple projects on me. I could really use your help.

[210] See, that even works with us.

[211] Could you help me out with this project?

[212] You are much more likely to have a good attitude and comply because that other human just connected with you first.

[213] And what I learned when Casey was in the teen years is this.

[214] Look, I'm all over being the authority figure.

[215] I'm the authority figure in my home.

[216] My dad was career military.

[217] I understand authority.

[218] But what I also understand is relationships.

[219] And I always try to tell men this of like, you're not the colonel in your home.

[220] You're not the commanding officer in the home.

[221] You're the father.

[222] And they're your children.

[223] They're not your, they're not enlisted men and women, right?

[224] They're not your recruits.

[225] They're your children, it's human beings.

[226] And so I would find when I would go into his room and simply sit for 30 seconds, 30 seconds is a long time if you're an introvert to connect with someone, and I am.

[227] 30 seconds, if I were just to pause for 30 seconds, you can get a lot done in 30 seconds if you're really engaged.

[228] 30 seconds a minute, I just asked Casey questions.

[229] Hey, do you learn anything new on your guitar today?

[230] Learn any new cool chords?

[231] And there's any cool Johnny Hooker?

[232] stuff today and I connect with them 30 seconds maybe a minute then I'd stand up and say hey I need some help I need to or I'd just say I don't always say when they're teenage listen here's what needs to get done and I need this done in the next 45 minutes and what I found is is that once I connected he was much much much much much much more likely to comply and not push back Casey reminded me today when we were talking about this he's like please remind parents to ignore initial bluster.

[233] And I'm not going to go through all of initial bluster, but initial bluster is what your kids do initially when you ask them to do literally anything.

[234] Ugh.

[235] No, stupid.

[236] You're stupid.

[237] I ignore it.

[238] I ignore it.

[239] It's just an expression of disappointment.

[240] Is it right for them to do?

[241] Absolutely not.

[242] But it's also not right for you as the grown -up to react to it every time and make a big deal out of it.

[243] I can't believe after all I've done for you.

[244] You respond like this, have I done this when I was a kid?

[245] It doesn't matter.

[246] So I give them space.

[247] So I connect, I give them some space, and then I get, does that make sense?

[248] I want you to try that this next week.

[249] Let's just work, work on some transitions.

[250] We're going to do it.

[251] We're going to acknowledge with intensity, because by the way, that's what we do when kids are upset.

[252] We acknowledge with some intensity.

[253] Don't you love when someone says, honey, you know what if I were you, I'd be really hurt too or i'd be really frustrated by that it just feels good so why not do that if it feels good for you then it probably will work really well for your kids so let's work on that this week and if we can help you with that we have all kinds of sales going on you can find them at celebrate calm dot com we have an at your wits and sale we have a calm parenting package 60 % off because we know that families are struggling.

[254] We have phone consultations.

[255] I'm doing a lot more mentoring with people now over the phone and I love it.

[256] And so if you need to help reach out to Casey, it's C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[257] And what's cool is you can write to us and you can say, here's the ages of our kids, here's what we're struggling with, and we'll give you ideas.

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[265] Let's work on it.

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