#80 - Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir

[0] The J -Rogan experience.

[1] Hot as fuck.

[2] Kicking it live from the Rogan Compound with my man Ari Shafir.

[3] Ari Motherfucking Shafir is in the house, ladies and gentlemen.

[4] A -R -S -H -A -F -F -I -R.

[5] Follow him on Twitter.

[6] Joe Diaz, Mad Flavor, aka Planet Rock, aka Joey Karate.

[7] He's here as well.

[8] Brian Reichel, Brian Redband, R -E -D -B -A -N.

[9] Who's singing?

[10] Whose song is it?

[11] What's going on now?

[12] We're doing it's background music.

[13] Did you make that song, Brian?

[14] No, it's my laptop.

[15] Yeah, we did.

[16] Yeah, a combination between garage band and guitars.

[17] Yeah, we haven't been playing music.

[18] We're trying to clean it up for satellite radio, which may or may not ever happen.

[19] Hopefully it will.

[20] Looks like it's happening.

[21] Whatever, bitches.

[22] Much respect to the Flashlight, our sponsor, before we even get started, before we get groovy with you, bitches.

[23] If you go to Joe Rogan .net, what's that, buddy?

[24] That is in the corner.

[25] That's one of them looking at you.

[26] They're all over the place.

[27] There's one over here, too.

[28] This house is littered.

[29] Mrs. Rogan comes in there the other day and looks at all of them.

[30] She goes, is there enough of these?

[31] This is what she looks at them.

[32] She goes, these.

[33] That's how she looks at them.

[34] This is, like, her competition that she has to accept, like, little things that live in her house that I fuck.

[35] This house is full of baby dolls and male dildos.

[36] Yeah, what's up?

[37] Yeah, it's filled with child's toys and dick toys.

[38] A big fat box of dick toys.

[39] If you go to joe rogan .com.

[40] Click the link for the flashlight.

[41] You go to their website, type in the word Rogan.

[42] you get 15 % off.

[43] So I'm looking out for you, bitches.

[44] You know what I'm saying?

[45] I'm trying to get you some discounts on your masturbation.

[46] Hauer at me, Joe Diaz.

[47] Can't call it, you know what I'm saying?

[48] You got to do what you got to do.

[49] If you could save 10 points and whack off at the same time, who's better than you?

[50] You know what I'm saying?

[51] We had a good goddamn time last weekend in Vegas.

[52] Holy shit, was that fun?

[53] Yes, we did.

[54] That was a good fucking time.

[55] These guys dropped acid.

[56] They were up in the, uh, they were up in the stands watching with big fucking smiles I don't know when I found out that they dropped acid.

[57] Did I find out dinner?

[58] I tweeted you during the UFC.

[59] Yeah, but I don't get tweets.

[60] I mean, text to me. You texted me. Yeah, so that's how I found out.

[61] Did I respond to you?

[62] No, it was like the last half hour, right?

[63] No, you looked.

[64] No, that's what you turned up, I thought.

[65] I never waved at us.

[66] Oh, okay.

[67] Then I must have known.

[68] You know, we're sitting in the drawer.

[69] Ari came old one day.

[70] We're talking about something.

[71] I go, it's going to be great this weekend.

[72] And as I'm talking to him, I open up the drawer.

[73] And I go, Ari, look.

[74] And there were seven hits of acid.

[75] What if we dropped the acid?

[76] And he's like, oh, I don't know.

[77] And I go, every time somebody, you know, gets hit, we'll feel it.

[78] Yeah.

[79] That was the original fucking plan at first.

[80] So then we were like, well, what do you think about red band?

[81] We don't know.

[82] Then we're saying, we should fucking dose them.

[83] Yeah, maybe we've got to put on some popcorn.

[84] Just take them for the rug.

[85] And then we said, nah, because I know it's hard.

[86] He'll have 911 one.

[87] Fuck it.

[88] That's my little brother.

[89] Acid's a little different.

[90] You don't want to dose somebody with acids.

[91] I've made a decision just not to do it anymore in my life.

[92] I've gotten to a point where my brain, I just want to keep my brain a little bit together now.

[93] A little bit together.

[94] This shit is, let me say something about this stuff.

[95] This stuff is very mild.

[96] That was kids.

[97] That was kid stuff.

[98] That was kiddie stuff.

[99] Yeah, well, if you took two hits and you were still being able to sit there, then it had to be shaking.

[100] Yeah, very mild.

[101] Very mild.

[102] It came in spurts and burst.

[103] It was very nice.

[104] Up down, up down.

[105] The lights fucked with you.

[106] What's his name?

[107] Voice fucked with you from time to time.

[108] Buffer.

[109] Buffer.

[110] He really.

[111] Vibrated you.

[112] It's vibrated you.

[113] and that video before the UFC starts Oh, that was powerful There was a part where Ari looked over and goes This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen The best was I was pissing in the fucking thing What was it?

[114] The UFC video when it first starts Where it's like They sent it to the Who American teenage teenage waistline Yeah Bob O 'Reilly's singing the song Yeah And yeah they set all the beat like all the punches To the drum hits Yeah Yeah, you realize how brilliant something is sometimes when you're high.

[115] What is it about that?

[116] Why do you have to get high to realize that?

[117] I don't know.

[118] That seems silly.

[119] When you're sitting there and you're straight at a UFC and it starts and we're on site of Zoufa and all that shit, you feel it.

[120] Yeah.

[121] When we did the acid, it was a different fucking level.

[122] We felt everything.

[123] Isn't it funny how, like, you go to movies, and if you go to the movies, you're on acid or on pot or anything, you could see bad acting.

[124] Yeah, yeah, easily.

[125] That's why we watched Domino that night That's why we sat down and watched Domino With fucking Mickey Rourke and Kara Nightling And it was interesting It was interesting It was from a different angle you're watching acting So I'm sorry I interrupted you So what were you saying?

[126] You were saying You guys are there, you're on acid And then the Bob O 'Reilly starts playing If you've never seen it Never been to a live UFC It's really brilliant Whoever edited it It's like some of the highlights Of some of the greatest fights ever And it's all put together to the Who It's fucking It's one of the greatest videos humans have ever seen it's a perfect volume yeah to rip you apart fuck you can hear it but it doesn't really bother you and then Dana and I were watching that the other day and I go dude I think I've seen this a fucking thousand times and I still love it yeah I never stop watching it love it if you're there live 10 minutes before the UFC actually starts you have to be in your seat it's so good too like whoever did it you can tell that guy loves fights like he just he nailed it the perfect beats to the perfect fucking punches and kicks It gets you pumped up, definitely, man. Dude, I'm telling you, it never wears out.

[127] I've seen it hundreds of times.

[128] I don't know how many times I've seen it.

[129] I mean, every UFC start, I've done at least 100 UFCs.

[130] And you're there.

[131] You're not gone getting food when that's happening.

[132] Yeah, because between spikes, between spike nights and regular UFCs, I think I've done over 100.

[133] So, it's been over 1 ,000 fights.

[134] Well, here's the best.

[135] When you're there and you're tripping, like I said, when you're there as a civilian, and once in a sudden it just goes from Bob O 'Reilly, and it locks down and also you hear and also you just see a picture and it's silver saying when I go in that thing tonight I'm gonna knock his fucking mouth off now think about it on the acid now his head just came out and I think it was Vito's and that came out first and it was just a fucking head talking on all the streets I thought it was fucking Marlon Brando and Superman remember when he got when he had the fucking heads around him it was like that was you're going down in New York City cock sucker and they were judging them and they was just heads well that's the brilliance about it that at one point in the UFC as a civilian it just gets very dark and also it's just a perfect timing Austin you see your head pop on and go tonight I'm gonna take them pound them submission you're like yeah you just go nuts and they keep showing little tidbits you know then they show to Vidor then they went to John Jones then they went to Jake Ellensburg it's just so well done every time I show a new fighter The crowd explodes.

[136] And when you watch another sporting event now, it's so below that part.

[137] I went to a Laker game last year against Wade Wade's team.

[138] Miami Heat.

[139] There was a fucking great game.

[140] But there was a lot of lows in it.

[141] There's a lot of lows in it.

[142] At the UFC, even when Bruce Buffer says, do what you got to do.

[143] Go for 22 fucking minutes.

[144] You have a blast.

[145] You go get a hot dog, right?

[146] We are.

[147] You go get a fucking thing.

[148] Go now.

[149] Go now.

[150] Have we up before the fucking game starts?

[151] That's huge that they tell you.

[152] Yeah, that's courtesy.

[153] And what that is, folks, for the folks that don't know, sometimes we have a certain amount of prelim cards, but then the main card starts at, say, like, you know, 7 p .m. And if the main card starts at 7 p .m., we have to have, if the prelims are all done, sometimes we've got 20 minutes before the fights are supposed to start.

[154] So we don't start fights early.

[155] We have to wait until pay -per -view starts.

[156] Sometimes you get, like, five first -round knockouts in the early fights.

[157] Yeah, and they're just like, ooh.

[158] And then, you know, we run out quick.

[159] And it was weird because this.

[160] particularly UFC started off I think with Gabe Rudiger and whoever he fought and Paul Taylor and Paul Taylor he got beat up fast and then Kingsley came out against Romero and hit him with violent gladiator fucking these to the body and like fucking bam you can feel the thrust and again as a civilian you can feel the fucking kidney strikes I can't have the acid I was I remember finding myself like this and also I looked around I'll adjust myself.

[161] What's going on?

[162] Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

[163] Plus, you're watching Kingsbury, even when you're not high, that dude's a specimen.

[164] Oh, my God.

[165] Specimen shredded.

[166] He's got like a fucking solid 12 -pack.

[167] He's got a 12 -pack on his back.

[168] He's one of those dudes.

[169] Like, you look at his back.

[170] There's all these crazy striations in there.

[171] It's a super athlete.

[172] It was a linebacker.

[173] Those fucking football players, man, they're on another level.

[174] It's another level of athleticism.

[175] And Kingsbury smashed that dude.

[176] He's one of those guys.

[177] Every time you see him, it's like he's been training for three years.

[178] You know, he makes these leaps in a couple of months.

[179] Oh, really?

[180] Yeah.

[181] All those super athletes, man, the John Jones dudes, those guys, they make these giant leaps.

[182] You know, there's some dudes that just get so good, so quick.

[183] You know, when you watch, like, John Jones, the first fight that he had, you know, or even the fight with Stefan Bonner, yeah, he looked promising, you know.

[184] But Bonner made it to the distance, you know.

[185] I mean, he beat Bonner up and everything like that and did some wild stuff.

[186] But, you know, people are like, wow, this kid's wild.

[187] all these unorthodox, but then you see him now and you go, fuck, man, this kid is on another level.

[188] Dude, another, the way he handled Brandon Vera and, you know, I mean, his last fight was just, just proved it.

[189] Brian Bader's a fucking stud, and he just manhandled that kid.

[190] He was on top of him.

[191] Every time there was an exchange, he was on top, controlling the position, he was never remotely threatened.

[192] And squeezing.

[193] Yeah, that kid's a beast, man. Ryan Bader is a fucking gorilla.

[194] Dude, you just stand next that guy.

[195] He's one of the biggest 205ers out there.

[196] And the fact that John Jones was able to handle him like that There was like a half second where there was like a scrum Like he tried to flip and didn't get him all the way over And then John Jones got out of that and it was done And John Jones has two brothers And both of them are fucking football player bad motherfuckers Yeah he's like his whole family's got like super jeans You know?

[197] When I was standing there that night He had two brothers that are bigger than I guess he has a baby brother Or whatever In the 1975 NBA playoffs one of those years Darrell Dawkins Remember Darrell Dawkins he was six full He used to smash the backboards Right.

[198] You know, he was 6 -11, 290.

[199] I remember that.

[200] And he got into a bra with Maurice Lucas, and all of a sudden they showed his family coming down from the stands.

[201] And he had two brothers and his sister bigger than him.

[202] Oh, my God.

[203] They were from fucking Florida.

[204] You know, you're just throwing security in Portland.

[205] They were all nice white people up there in Portland.

[206] These four fucking fucking people were just throwing them.

[207] Just growing them, huge.

[208] Six foot 11.

[209] Jesus Christ.

[210] We're smashing fiberglass.

[211] Yeah.

[212] Unheard of before.

[213] You know what I'm saying?

[214] It was just hang on them, just crush them.

[215] They were glass, weren't they?

[216] They were breaking them.

[217] Super reinforced.

[218] Yeah.

[219] That guy was fresh out of the jungles of fucking.

[220] What did they do back then?

[221] What?

[222] When the glass breaks?

[223] Do they stop the game?

[224] Stop the game.

[225] They just roll it out and they roll another one.

[226] They get another one.

[227] Get the fucking.

[228] You got fined.

[229] How much did he get fined?

[230] I don't know, maybe 10 grand or something like that?

[231] That's so worth it.

[232] That's how we know about it.

[233] You're a highlight film.

[234] Luckily, they don't all do that.

[235] That would be so dushy.

[236] If they all did it, it's kind of a douche move.

[237] It's like, it's a way you can do it by accident.

[238] You can do it by accident.

[239] You can do it by accident.

[240] Like, Shaq would just smash through it and he wouldn't be able to help.

[241] There's something you can really try to break it.

[242] Does Shaq smack him occasionally?

[243] Yeah, but not on purpose.

[244] He just fucking.

[245] Brian, what's that crazy noise?

[246] I'm looking in and do it.

[247] Oh, okay.

[248] He hasn't done in a while, though.

[249] When he's the first couple years, he used to do him.

[250] I met him a couple of times when I first met him at the UFC and I met him.

[251] He did an episode of Fear Factor with me. And he did the countdown.

[252] You know, like, three, two, one, go.

[253] You know, standing next to me, dude, it looked like, it didn't even look like, I mean, looked like we were two totally different things.

[254] You met him in Boston, we ran into him at the hotel.

[255] Oh, yeah, that's true.

[256] He's giant.

[257] He's so big, man. He's so big.

[258] It's ridiculous.

[259] I feel like a little child, you know?

[260] Well, this dude, Darrell Dawkins played for the sixes, and he got traded to the Nets.

[261] And when he moved to New Jersey, he got hooked on fucking powder.

[262] Did he really?

[263] Really?

[264] So the kid that would sell him the powder was the sneaker kid.

[265] He was the ball kid on the Nets at that time.

[266] And this kid ran a tremendous.

[267] scam because the players on contract they take after every game they put on new sneakers and they throw them away this kid would take every sneaker and take it into the city and sell it but one of his jobs as a bullboy was to get Darrell Dawkins powder that was it Brian whatever you did and we all met and I remember one night he took us at Darrell Dawkins' house Darrell Dawkins showed me a fucking Rose Royce with a 14 motherfucking carrot dashboard No way A gold dashboard Bro his dog was His daughter's so financially responsive No fucking idea in those days.

[268] Then his wife died later on.

[269] He came back before a couple of years there.

[270] I went over to his house like three times.

[271] He lived in Seacawks, New Jersey.

[272] Big pimping with the motherfucking 14 -carat dashboard and shit.

[273] Wow.

[274] That's ridiculous.

[275] That is ridiculous, Doug.

[276] You got to love it, though.

[277] What is it about black people and shiny things?

[278] I don't know.

[279] They don't get my fuck, don't live in a tent to have a fucking Rose Royce with a 14.

[280] as much as rock stars like to rock it and like to look badass they don't go that deep they don't go diamonds i heard a theory on that it's that black people rappers and stuff they're just doing what they thought about was rich when they were little so it's always them holding like a bowl of like sugar cereal and cars and hot booty women yeah but it's like oh no this looks like rich stuff Rashid Wallace got a urinal installed in his house nothing wrong with that that's probably a good move especially one of those splashless Splashes here, and I'll put the cake in there.

[281] Save water.

[282] They have like a little disc, a little UFO you piss on.

[283] Somehow or another, go somewhere.

[284] You don't have to rinse it with water.

[285] Yeah, it's like the latest eco thing.

[286] But it's been rejected by plumbers.

[287] Plumbers don't like it because it cuts back on the maintenance.

[288] So they try to say it's unsanitary.

[289] But in actuality, the other ones are more unsanitary.

[290] How weird is that?

[291] There's been studies, Joe Diaz.

[292] Studies on piss.

[293] Let's talk about urine.

[294] Let me tell you something.

[295] When I was a kid in the first house, I moved into the, North Berger, a nice big one.

[296] We had a fucking bidet.

[297] Really?

[298] Yeah, that's banging a shit.

[299] When I was about eight and nine or ten, I used to go over there, take a shit in my mother's bathroom, turned the beday, and I hit you in the fucking face, you know what I'm saying?

[300] But then you put your little muffler on that bidet, you get that little hot water going.

[301] That was the first time I had that little crinky and your little muffler, but then you blast it hard.

[302] Ooh, your asshole is spotless.

[303] You could feel it shiny.

[304] I was about 10.

[305] That's what my asshole used to shine, you know what I'm saying?

[306] I used to.

[307] I used my bedet for carrying my little.

[308] magazines you don't use it though you never wash you have one yeah I would use that shit every day it's so much better than wetting toilet paper I'm getting just seems so bizarre I am so sick to fucking American it seems like getting into the French what am I doing here I'm not supporting my own what am I doing here what a roll of goddamn toilet paper is not enough for you Rogan I feel like I'm not supporting my own some French bullshit the bidet is nice to wash your ass in the middle of day washer it seems like a lot of a commitment When you wipe your butt, it's like, well, yeah, I know it's still stinky and gross.

[309] I don't mind wiping my butt.

[310] It's not that much of a good day that had some fucking soap in that motherfucker.

[311] Well, I use baby wipes.

[312] Have you ever been about to fuck?

[313] Have you ever been about the fuck and realize my app?