Moms Do Too Much. Here’s How to Stop That.

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[24] So moms, does it ever feel like you do too much around the?

[25] house.

[26] Well, there's a reason for that.

[27] It's probably because you do way too much for your kids, for your spouse, for everybody else, and nothing for yourself.

[28] And I want to free you from that because that will only lead in the long run to resentment.

[29] After all, I do for you, right?

[30] You've felt that before, and I want to liberate you from that for this reason.

[31] Because you love being a mom.

[32] You wanted to be a mom, but now you don't enjoy it anymore.

[33] And the strong world child has ruined the agenda that you have as a mom, right, to raise a responsible, respectful, young man or woman.

[34] And they totally ruined that agenda.

[35] And you're not enjoying your child anymore.

[36] You're not actually enjoying your life anymore, parenting.

[37] And I know it's hard, but let's work on that.

[38] So that's what we're going to talk about today on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[39] So welcome.

[40] This is Kirkmartin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[41] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[42] If you want help, reach out to our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebratecom .com.

[43] Tell us about your kids, about your family, what you're struggling with.

[44] We will respond back personally with strategies, insights, some questions, things to think about.

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[49] and it's over 30 hours of wisdom and strategies.

[50] And by the way, we're able on the CD programs on the downloads to hit every issue from multiple angles, right?

[51] Whereas in the podcast, they try to be very specific about one particular thing.

[52] So you get a lot more context there.

[53] So let's know, and we'd be glad to help you.

[54] So this, I wanted to address this because it came up in a phone consultation.

[55] It came up, really it was thanks to a mom who emailed and said, I'm listening to, we have a program called Straight Talk for Moms, right?

[56] And I get the respect that you deserve because I want moms to feel, to demonstrate self -respect and to have that respect.

[57] And so the mom said, I thought parenting was about kids.

[58] And once I started listening to the podcast and came to one of your workshops, I realized so much of it is just about me, me changing those patterns.

[59] And she said, for the first time in about 10 years, I'm actually enjoying being a mom.

[60] And so I want to hit on one specific formulation here that I want you to think about.

[61] Because listen, you probably do too much.

[62] And your kids are never going to wake up and say, listen, mom, talk to my brother and sister.

[63] We've determined that you do way too much around here.

[64] Right?

[65] They're not going to say that.

[66] They're going to take advantage of you.

[67] And so for some of you, for some of you, you do too much.

[68] You micromanage.

[69] You feel like you're responsible for everything, for everyone's moods, for everyone's emotions, for everyone's success in the home.

[70] And here's kind of a neat little thing I hadn't planned to say, but you'll hear it in our programs.

[71] I don't want you to be responsible for people, right?

[72] I want you to be responsible to people.

[73] So it's totally different.

[74] When I'm responsible for your mood, what happens when you're not in a good mood or when you're not happy or you're not grateful?

[75] I will then begin to try to change you and lecture you into being grateful or happy.

[76] See, when I'm responsible to you, now I'm responsible to give you tools, to give you wisdom, right?

[77] To give you the benefit of all my years of living.

[78] I'm responsible to model for you how to handle situations, but I'm not responsible for your happiness or for your success.

[79] See, that's why we end up standing over our child saying, if you would just focus, you would be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours.

[80] And we begin to take ownership of their own homework and their schoolwork because we're feeling responsible for them.

[81] And I want you to be able to switch that to being responsible to them.

[82] So here's a question.

[83] how does this serve you when you are micromanaging and controlling everything when your anxiety gets the best of you and that anxiety I will tell you it will kill you it will kill relationships and in the end it will kill you right and nobody talks about that we'll talk about everything else with our health but it is anxiety that just drives you and compels you and you're no longer even in control of yourself and you have to get to control that anxiety but I want to know this and think about this how does this serve you right now some of you you just like the control because if you're doing everything that means you get to control how things get done right and it gives you a feeling of like well i'm in control it may be a feeling of guilt well if i'm not doing everything and my child isn't doing as well as it can and not living up to his potential then i'm not doing as much as i should be i should be doing more right for many of you it's how your mom did things your mom it this way.

[84] And she was after all I do for you.

[85] And she's still doing that to you.

[86] You know why?

[87] Because that's manipulation.

[88] Watch how this works.

[89] If I do everything for you, then you owe me to respect me, to call me, to listen to me, to do everything that I ask you to do.

[90] And I want you to break that generational pattern so that your kids don't grow up the same way.

[91] Now, here's a tough one, too.

[92] how many of you don't feel like a good mom if you're not doing everything and being responsible for making everybody happy and everybody successful right i guarantee for many of you that's the trigger that's the trap you don't feel like you're a good mom if you're not doing everything and that only leads to resentment in the end and i don't want that so there's a lot there's a lot that we could do on this.

[93] I mean, we go through that whole program.

[94] It's a couple hours long, and I want you to listen to that because it will free you.

[95] It's very, very solid.

[96] It's really, really insightful.

[97] Here are a couple things.

[98] One, I want you to begin transitioning from being mommy to being mom, right?

[99] When your kids are born and when they're infants, you have to be mommy.

[100] You have to be everything to them or they will die.

[101] When they're toddlers, right, you still have to be almost everything to them.

[102] Now I want them to learn how to play on their own and do some things on their own, right?

[103] But you still have to be mommy.

[104] But as your kids get into elementary school and especially when they get into fifth and sixth grade and into middle school and high school, you've got to switch from being mommy where you're relying on me for everything to, I'm your mom.

[105] See, a mom still loves her children as much as mommy does.

[106] But you transition from doing everything for them to, listen, I'm going to give you my wisdom.

[107] I'm going to give you perspective and let you own your own choices.

[108] I'm going to give you tools to do that, to get ready in the morning, to do your homework by yourself, to be successful on your own.

[109] By the way, you've got to really think about this.

[110] For some of you, you have a hard time letting go.

[111] And you don't want your child to be independent secretly deep down because you want them to continue to need you.

[112] Because you're afraid of that transition because when you go from mommy, I'm doing everything.

[113] and all I ever think about is my child because they literally can't live with me to Mom.

[114] Well, now, Mom, you've got to be responsible now for your own life.

[115] And you've got to start finding things.

[116] What are your passions?

[117] Instead of everything revolving around your kids, what are your passions?

[118] Because you put those on the backburner now, many of you for years and even decades, and that's kind of scary.

[119] And you let your marriage, you and your spouse, allowed your marriage to take second place.

[120] and now you've got lots of resentments in marriage so it's not like i want to throw myself into my marriage because we don't even like that guy anymore and he doesn't like me and it's kind of blah and we don't have feelings anymore so what do you do you throw yourself keep throwing yourself into your child's life and that gets overbearing right and that and that suffocates them and the strong world child is going to push back on that so you're transitioning there and so let me give you the second thing to think about this week and to practice.

[121] So you get to determine moms, mom, you get to determine how much you do.

[122] You do.

[123] And so here's how I want you to think about.

[124] If you want to continue doing a lot of things, even too much for your kids, you can do that.

[125] Maybe it's because you do like the control and you like the way you load the dishwasher or you handle this certain thing or the way this gets done in the house.

[126] and you're not going to like the way your strong will child does it.

[127] So you can do that.

[128] You can choose to do that.

[129] But once you choose to continue to control things and be responsible for it, then you seed being able to complain about it or be resentful over it.

[130] So you no longer have the right to be resentful because you chose to continue to do it.

[131] Does that make sense?

[132] Or you can say, look, I'm going to continue to be responsible.

[133] in these areas, but these particular chores, responsibilities, I am turning over to my child or to my spouse.

[134] Now, that's going to be a hard transition.

[135] That's why we want to support you.

[136] And I encourage you to listen to that program and listen to all of our programs, because it will give you confidence to be a parent who teaches your kids to be responsible for themselves so you can stop doing it.

[137] And that does take confidence.

[138] And that will be a transition for you in your thinking.

[139] but I can tell you what's on the other side, it feels really good.

[140] You begin to see your child blossom.

[141] They may not do things the way you want them to exactly, but you'll see their confidence rise because you're stepping back and allowing them space to step up and be responsible for themselves.

[142] And you're not overwhelmed.

[143] And you're not getting, you're overwhelmed by everything, and everything's not bothering you because right now everything bothers you because nobody's doing it the right way.

[144] and you're just trying please guys please just do just do what I ask you to do is it too much to ask how many times do I have to ask you can you feel all of that and that is anxiety and that weighs on you and I don't want it to weigh on you I want you to enjoy being a mom because you love your kids and you've wanted to be a mom I want you to enjoy it and I want you to enjoy your kids again wouldn't that feel nice right that's why that are that are not number one program is called Enjoy Your Strong Will Child Again, because I want you to get to a place where you actually enjoy being a parent, being a spouse, that may be a lot to ask.

[145] If you get everything package, you get the marriage program.

[146] That'll help you with it.

[147] I'm just being a realist.

[148] For some of you, the best thing right now is let's just focus on I'm going to enjoy being a mom or dad, and I'm going to enjoy my child again.

[149] Let's make that goal, that our goal this week.

[150] but wrestle with these questions.

[151] Reach out to us if you need some help with this, and we'll help clarify, push back on us.

[152] Ask us questions.

[153] I like that because I like you wrestling with these issues because I want you to be free.

[154] If you need some help, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[155] We'll be glad to help you.

[156] Hopefully we'll see you at some live events coming up in Northern Virginia and Indianapolis, Kansas City.

[157] And if you want us in your town, just ask us to come.

[158] We love the live events.

[159] Love you all.

[160] Talk to you soon.

[161] Bye -bye.