#595 - Nick DiPaolo

[0] The Joe Rogan experience.

[1] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[2] Nicholas, me boy.

[3] Joey, boy.

[4] We've known each other for many decades, and now we're both wearing glasses.

[5] Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.

[6] It's not fucking air it there.

[7] Fucking old men.

[8] We can't see up close.

[9] So sad.

[10] Did you notice when you came in, I ripped mine off like you were abroad?

[11] I'm like, ew.

[12] It's like one of those things.

[13] If someone calls, you know, and you're sleeping, you always lie about it.

[14] Yeah.

[15] And it's like, what do you need those?

[16] No, I don't need those.

[17] I don't need those for numbers.

[18] I'm in the restaurant.

[19] I have the waitress holding the menu.

[20] She's 11 feet from my table so I can read.

[21] Yeah, in low light conditions, unless I have my camera on my phone with the flashlight, you know, so I can use.

[22] I could read it if I have my, but otherwise, I don't know what the fuck the bill is.

[23] You need to step up to bifocals so you can wear them all day long.

[24] No, because I don't need them past like my arm's length.

[25] That's right.

[26] Yeah.

[27] My friend Steve Graham explained it to me. He's an ophthalmologist.

[28] I guess when you get older, your eyes just lose their ability to focus up close.

[29] And then this shit doesn't help.

[30] Computers don't help.

[31] No. It's the worst.

[32] Pulling on your cell phone at three in the morning?

[33] That's not what I'm talking about.

[34] I'm talking about work.

[35] I don't know what you're doing.

[36] Nick DePaolo.

[37] How dare you?

[38] Apparently, you're doing a lot more than I am, Joe.

[39] You went back to New York, huh?

[40] Yeah.

[41] How long ago did you go back?

[42] I was out here.

[43] Oh, Christ.

[44] I was out here from 95 to 99.

[45] And you were like enough or anything.

[46] Well, then Chris Rock called.

[47] Yeah, I had enough.

[48] I swear to God, this is a true.

[49] story.

[50] I was in my own shower at my house arguing with an imaginary fucking agent I didn't have I swear to God my wife heard me. I was living on Doheny in this house we rented and I'm like I'm fucking losing my mind out here and then like a bolt from God Chris Rock called he started his HBO show and said I want you to be one of the writers and I was like you've got to be shit me. I was on the fucking next plane out.

[51] Looking down at all the bridges I burned in L .A. You can see the fires from the planet.

[52] Nick played my brother on news radio and there was a there was a I want to say it was a confusion but it would be a lie it was an agent tried to fuck him a casting agent tried to fuck him over we had already booked him for the part and um all the sudden this casting agent goes oh oh I've already booked that I've got you know this guy coming in I go what are you talking about I go it's supposed to be Nick DePaolo he's my friend he's going to be my brother my other friend Brian Cowans my other brother like it's already booked she well I don't know what to do you know I've already got this guy book so you're gonna have to tell Nick oh no no no I go I remember this to tell this fucking other guy because she had already called you and told you didn't that's right she came out and said uh you guys can go whatever she tried to weasel the casting female casting agents in many circumstances are a lot like male casting agents you know the casting couch the notorious casting couch yes how bad you want the part and you know well this this this gal had uh male friends and these male friends uh apparently uh she she enjoyed their company and so she would uh get them gigs even if those gigs weren't really available and that was what was going on she was just going to weasel this guy in yeah and i was walking to my car and you came running out yeah and go hey hey hey i go what and then i felt bad i'm like now did i just fuck somebody over because i know joe no you didn't fuck anybody you were already because i was a stellar actor you were outstanding But you were approved and done It was over But she just tried to weasel it in It was fucking gross Oh What's that horse name?

[53] Oh no need to name names And who might not have been She might have been on medication Who knows what the fuck That was a fun episode That we beat that shit out of each other Through each other through windows It was like the three stooges And we did a scene We actually did a scene that it said It came across too violent It was Joe and Brian in it Remember with a coffee We had a glass coffee pot Where I hit you over there was?

[54] Yeah, they smashed me over the head.

[55] And then we're kicking, Joel, he's down, and they said it looked too much.

[56] They actually said it looked too much like Goodfellas.

[57] Remember what the arrow was kicking a guy?

[58] Remember you had the...

[59] Yeah.

[60] So, uh, it was a glass week.

[61] I got to break this thing off you had like five times.

[62] Yeah, I got to fly through a glass window.

[63] You know, they have that candy glass, so I went flying through a window.

[64] It was fun, man. That was a fun episode.

[65] And you know who?

[66] Epstein from Welcome Back Carter.

[67] Epstein from Welcome Back Carter was our oldest brother, who was a priest that we were all terrified of.

[68] I think he's dead, too, isn't he?

[69] Did he pass away?

[70] No kidding.

[71] What was his name?

[72] He's got him.

[73] I'm esteemed from Malcolm back out.

[74] He's probably born in his debut.

[75] Yeah.

[76] I didn't know he died.

[77] Did he really die?

[78] Either that or I'm starting an ugly gromer right now.

[79] But I, I, I, I, Jesus.

[80] I might have Horshack died.

[81] No, you were hoping horseshap.

[82] Don't confuse your hopes.

[83] You know what?

[84] You're right.

[85] Is it?

[86] Is it Horshack?

[87] And the black guy.

[88] I think.

[89] They're all dead, actually.

[90] Gabe, you know who else died?

[91] The wife died.

[92] Oh, he died in 2000.

[93] The wife died recently.

[94] You were right.

[95] He died in 2012.

[96] He did?

[97] Yeah.

[98] Maybe he's from that episode.

[99] There's a lot of violence going.

[100] Wow.

[101] He looked like shit before he died.

[102] What the fuck, man?

[103] When we knew him.

[104] That's him?

[105] That's him.

[106] That's Robert Hedges?

[107] Yeah.

[108] When we knew him, he actually looked pretty good.

[109] Looks like Candy Crowley from CNN.

[110] Some of those guys that get a really good gig, like a welcome back Connor.

[111] And then after that, it dies.

[112] Those fucking guys never recover.

[113] It's like they're living the fucking life.

[114] They're your nice bagels from craft service.

[115] Everybody, good morning, Mr. Hedges.

[116] How are you, sir?

[117] Can we get your coffee?

[118] Would you like something?

[119] And then this fucking cruel machine just spits them out.

[120] It's a hard phone.

[121] And then you want, oh, my.

[122] Yeah, what the fuck?

[123] He turned into a Hawaiian woman before he died.

[124] What the fuck?

[125] Who does he look?

[126] Early from lost.

[127] You know what happened?

[128] He probably went all spiritual.

[129] Look at all the necklaces and stuff he's wearing.

[130] He probably went all spiritual.

[131] It was all going downhill.

[132] Well, maybe he had cancer or something.

[133] Yeah, maybe.

[134] No, I feel bad.

[135] He was a good dude, man. He was.

[136] And that was like a thrill to meet the guy.

[137] Yeah, it was.

[138] We were kids when that show was you.

[139] Died of a heart attack.

[140] 60 years old.

[141] And I think, I know the woman, the wife that played the wife in that show just died of cancer.

[142] Gabe Kaplan's wife?

[143] Yeah, and the show.

[144] She just died.

[145] recently.

[146] Meanwhile, John Travolta looking great.

[147] Sucking cock all over the planet.

[148] Apparently, that's how you get ripped me. Well, he definitely doesn't look ripped anymore.

[149] No, you're right.

[150] He's kind of...

[151] He's kind of...

[152] Yeah.

[153] Who looks the best from that...

[154] Well, him.

[155] He looks the best from that show.

[156] How about the black guy that played Washington?

[157] Is he still around?

[158] Freddy boom boom, Washington?

[159] Yes.

[160] Boy, we're dating ourselves.

[161] We are dating ourselves.

[162] Well, but it's kind of relevant because they're dead and we're getting close to it.

[163] But nobody knows who they are.

[164] anymore that's what's fucked up no i know let's talk about let's find the guy they just did a lost reference and i've never seen the show you never saw lost no the first couple seasons are really good i rewatched it joe is way better if you know what happened because now you're only focusing on what you're really supposed to be focusing on not the bullshit that makes you hate the show but here's a picture of freddie boom boom is he still alive lawrence hilton jacobs is his name yeah he looks good Yeah, he's the best looking guy at all of them now And Horshack, check out I think you're right I think Horshack is dead I think you're right I think Horshack's dead Let's see That show's kind of jinx now that you think of a Not really, it's just life Well, they're not that old though Ronald Polillo It's just, it's true, it's his life Yeah, he died in 2012 too Same year that Epstein died And Gabe Cotta Who's a like degenerate gambler Yeah, is he a degenerate?

[165] Well, that's what I heard I know he's a poker player.

[166] Okay, maybe I was stretching the...

[167] Those two are kind of synonymous.

[168] A club owner told me that.

[169] Did you ever do the K .J. Riddles in Orland Park, Illinois, guy named Kenny Rand?

[170] No, no, never did.

[171] He used to have Gabe Carter in there.

[172] And Gabe Carter used to hate going to bring in a stuff to the airport, you know, luggage.

[173] He hated to check it.

[174] He used to mail it.

[175] It spent like $300 of mailing is closed.

[176] Really?

[177] And he went...

[178] This guy took him out gambling at some casino.

[179] He was there the weekend before I was, and he won like, he said, 750 ,000 betting on football.

[180] And I said, you mean 75, he goes, no, 750 ,000.

[181] This guy Kenny wouldn't lie either.

[182] But he, this guy, he was like, he's like heavy into it.

[183] When you start getting to those big numbers, that's fucking dangerous, because it can all go away like that.

[184] Well, I'm at a pool.

[185] I put $5 on the beginning of the year, and I'm trying to beat my niece, Jenna.

[186] That's healthy.

[187] That's healthy.

[188] I mean, gambling is fun.

[189] Don't get me wrong.

[190] But the thing about gambling is that, like, you got to keep pushing the stakes to keep up in that thrill.

[191] That's right.

[192] Juicing your veins.

[193] Yeah.

[194] Artie Lang used to...

[195] He used to go hard, huh?

[196] Oh, my God.

[197] He told me some of the numbers.

[198] And Norm...

[199] And Norm...

[200] Norm is the worst, right?

[201] Norm is...

[202] Oh, my God.

[203] Norm McDonald's supposed to be, like, the worst of all time.

[204] Oh, my God.

[205] He's, like, just...

[206] So bad I couldn't get on his podcast this week.

[207] What kind of numbers?

[208] Well, I already told me a story about Norm, and he says it's absolutely true that he won, he won like $60 grand one night, and he walked out, where were they gambling?

[209] What the hell was it?

[210] It wasn't Vegas because there was an ocean nearby, and he threw all the money in the ocean because he knew he was going to piss it away anyways.

[211] What?

[212] Yeah.

[213] That's what I already told me. I wouldn't doubt that.

[214] I wouldn't either.

[215] You know, Norm?

[216] Hey, it's only my.

[217] Legit crazy.

[218] We were having a great time on a plane once And just randomly sat next to each other Just total dumb luck Had a great time You know, three hour flight laughing And cracking up and talking all kinds of shit He's like wow, I quit smoking a long time ago I'm just so happy I quit smoking And then as he lands He goes, boy, I want a cigarette He walked right into the fucking one of those duty -free shops At the airport bought cigarettes And just couldn't, had him in his hand And as he was walking out the door and lighting him.

[219] Couldn't wait to get out the door to light him.

[220] I go, what happened to quitting cigarettes?

[221] He goes, I quit quitting.

[222] I just, I wanted a cigarette.

[223] It was just like, it was so great.

[224] I mean, just an hour ago talking about how much he's happy he quit cigarettes.

[225] He quit a long time ago.

[226] And then this switch goes off and he just impulsively decides time to have a cigarette.

[227] I go to his hotel and he's in New York a few years ago.

[228] I had a bunch of sets at night.

[229] It's like two in the morning.

[230] He tells me to come up to his hotel.

[231] he's drinking black coffee by the pot.

[232] He drank like two pots in front of me. And I can hear his stomach gurgling because he has some stomach problem, he says, and I can hear it making these sounds.

[233] And he's just two full pots.

[234] And it's like, too, I go, what are you going to do?

[235] Stay up for three days?

[236] No, I'm immune to it.

[237] It doesn't even bother me. Some guys can just drink coffee, like Tate.

[238] Tate can drink coffee and go to sleep.

[239] My friend who owns Caveman coffee.

[240] Yeah, people become immune to this year.

[241] Yeah, you do.

[242] He drinks coffee and then he can pass out.

[243] I don't.

[244] I'm like a little puss.

[245] I have a half a cup, but I'm all over the place.

[246] It's like a fucking meth addict.

[247] It's one of those things.

[248] If you do it a lot, if you drink a lot of coffee, it sort of becomes normal.

[249] But if you take a few months off of coffee and then you realize what a drug caffeine really is.

[250] I actually have a bit on my album.

[251] It was a good segue actually.

[252] A new one?

[253] Nick Dip, yeah.

[254] At Nick Dip .com, you can get it, by the way.

[255] What's the name of the Almigan?

[256] Another Sense is killing.

[257] Another sense is killing.

[258] But I have a caffeine bit on there because I'm like hyper.

[259] I get fucking, like, I'm almost allergic to it.

[260] You're what?

[261] I'm almost like allergic to it.

[262] Almost allergic.

[263] Yeah, I have a couple cups.

[264] No, I can't even like focus.

[265] Really?

[266] Yeah.

[267] So it's an unusual feeling that you get.

[268] Yeah.

[269] I don't.

[270] Has this always been the case?

[271] No. Is this a recent thing?

[272] Yeah.

[273] It's like the eyes?

[274] Yeah.

[275] Oh, yeah.

[276] It's deliver.

[277] You know, it is Joe, the immune system.

[278] It can't even fight off caffeine.

[279] We're going.

[280] We're going like fucking Horshack.

[281] Can we play that or no?

[282] The caffeine club?

[283] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[284] Let's play it.

[285] It's a great setup.

[286] Negative guy, have a caffeine problem.

[287] Just found that out.

[288] I mean, I'm almost allergic caffeine.

[289] I was laying in bed the other night thinking, how come I've been in like 12 fistfights before noontime over the last 20 years?

[290] I'm like hyper -alertic.

[291] You guys have a couple cups of coffee.

[292] You get a little jittery.

[293] It's like bath salts for me. I'll chew your fucking face off and leave you in the street.

[294] I go to Dunkin' Donuts.

[295] An hour later, I'm naked in my driveway, wrestling three cops.

[296] You're tasering.

[297] my balls.

[298] What's he on angel dust?

[299] No, I had a cappuccine with three sugars.

[300] Get back in your car.

[301] I'll fucking chew your nose.

[302] But I get really nasty as opposed to my natural steak.

[303] I've had some of the worst fights with my wife when I was jacked up on coffee.

[304] Last January.

[305] True story.

[306] It's a Sunday morning.

[307] My wife comes down the stairs.

[308] She goes, my nieces and nephews are coming over.

[309] We're going to a petting zoo.

[310] And you're coming with us.

[311] And I'm like, I've been following the Patriots for 16 weeks.

[312] Today's the first playoff game.

[313] But yeah, what better time to look at a goat laying his own shit up in the woods in Austin.

[314] Cut to me, like a half hour later, I'm in a barn looking at animals.

[315] I have like a pot of coffee in my gut.

[316] I'm crawling out of my skin.

[317] This guy next to me goes to me in the most condescending tone, he goes, that's a yak.

[318] I go, yeah, I know it's a fucking yak.

[319] There's a sign, but on the cage, I know how to read, asshole.

[320] And then I realized he was talking to his four -year -old son on the other side of him.

[321] Is that not a classic caffeine?

[322] How do you get out of that one?

[323] I just stayed in the asshole roll, went to the next cage, and it was a go - in there, I just looked at him.

[324] I went, let me guess.

[325] Duck?

[326] What is that?

[327] A pigeon?

[328] Come on, Dr. Seuss.

[329] You know fucking everything.

[330] What is that?

[331] An alligator?

[332] I don't know anything.

[333] Right, asshole?

[334] Even his little kid was looking up.

[335] I was like, who pissed in your Cheerios, mister?

[336] And I'm like, fuck you, you little pussy.

[337] I threw a pumpkin out of him and my wife pushed me out of the bar.

[338] Where'd you record this?

[339] Go ahead.

[340] There's one more one more caffeine story.

[341] This is about a month and a half later.

[342] I met White Plains Airport sitting next to this obese guy for like two hours, ignoring his smell.

[343] He hadn't said a word to he said, all soon he gets up he looks at me in this tone of voice he goes i'm going to the shitter watch my bag that's true absolutely true i'm like how don't know your bags are not going to explode in 30 seconds he goes do i look like a terrorist i got that depends he goes depends on what i go if i was a cheeseburger if i was a fresh garden salad i feel very comfortable watching your bag for the next 20 minutes or a pack of sweet and low but uh you like butter let's be honest that's it i did that at acme oh in minneapolis yeah that's a great club It's my favorite club.

[344] It's a great club.

[345] It's, you know, low ceiling, and it's, I think it was like 270 people.

[346] Yeah, there's a, there's like five of those type of clubs, like helium, comedy works, you know, all those like low ceiling, tight, tight clubs.

[347] Joe, is Denver like that?

[348] I haven't been in the comedy works in years.

[349] Oh, my God, it's the best.

[350] I know.

[351] I could kick that out of there after two, some bachelor's party ruined my fucking show the second time I was there and I called him fat cunts.

[352] And the girl who ran the places of fat cunt.

[353] so she didn't like that oh how dare you i hope she's still not running it she owns it no wendy oh i don't think it was wendy i really don't i don't think it was what how long was this how long was this has to be eighteen years ago oh it was probably wendy yeah she's on the forever i apologize she couldn't have been owning it then though right yeah she owned it from the start oh because she wasn't there no the owners are never around when i'm there large back then and then she got like a one of those tummy things done and oh she stapled it yeah she went with the like the like You know, they do those things.

[354] Well, it's still no reason to let a bachelor's up party ruin my show.

[355] I hear you.

[356] I'm with you.

[357] That's where you did yours, right?

[358] Yeah, yeah.

[359] Killer, right?

[360] I love that place.

[361] Yeah, I did my Rocky Mountain High, the last one, my Comedy Central special.

[362] I decided I'm doing them all from now on in clubs.

[363] Yeah, I did, the last one I did, Ron Nerve, was at comics, which was a club, but it was like, we squeezed like 500 people in there.

[364] And, you know, people do these big.

[365] big theaters and they start to all sound alike or like kind of cookie cutter.

[366] You don't capture that energy that...

[367] I think you can get away with the theater.

[368] I mean, I did Talking Monkeys in Space.

[369] My second favorite one, that was in a theater in Columbus.

[370] That was a nice little theater, though.

[371] Yeah, it was like 900 seats, right?

[372] Oh, that's perfect.

[373] Yeah.

[374] But I think that once you go to like 2000, 3 ,000, you lose a bit of the interaction with the crowd.

[375] Yeah, there you are in Acme.

[376] That's a fucking great club.

[377] That's a great club.

[378] Those classic low -ceiling clubs.

[379] That's why your comedy is hypnotic.

[380] Like, everyone gets roped into your mindset.

[381] The energy stays right in your face.

[382] And you ride it and they ride it.

[383] And it's also like, I feel like when you don't miss any of the tags.

[384] You don't miss any of the, I didn't, have you ever sat in the crowd at a theater before?

[385] Just had a leadman taping when I first moved to New York.

[386] Yeah, but that's different, right?

[387] Because that's like not a standout.

[388] Yeah, no. I went to, I was in New Jersey, and Joey and I, Joey Diaz and I were doing Friday night, and Louis Black was there on Thursday night.

[389] So we had gotten there early.

[390] We flew in.

[391] We said, oh, let's go say hi to Lewis.

[392] We'll sit in the audience.

[393] So we went, sat in the audience, and he would get a big laugh, and then he would have a tagline.

[394] And you couldn't hear the tagline.

[395] And I was like, oh, you can't hear out here because everyone's laughing.

[396] There was too many people, like, around you that were laughing, and the sound just didn't penetrate through that like a club.

[397] How big, Joe?

[398] How big that was at the end?

[399] $2 ,200, $2 ,400, something like that?

[400] I'll never get near that, unfortunately.

[401] Yeah, it's a little larger.

[402] That's my goal to make a bad specialty in front of 2 ,200 people, actually.

[403] I would love to be able to fill 2 ,200 seats.

[404] I don't give a shit how this special came out.

[405] But when you do get a big laugh in like 3 ,000 people, it's a wave.

[406] It's a wave, yeah.

[407] What's the biggest crowd you ever performed for?

[408] Radio City, I think, the Dennis Larry was, I want to say 7?

[409] thousand a sixty five hundred or something oh yeah oh then we did some of the staple center that's where it was staple center was even bigger it was like seven thousand i think out here in l a i did uh kevin and bean have this uh april foolish day thing that the april fool's weekend and it's uh seven thousand that was the biggest i've ever done and it's weird because um it's at some theater at universal and they're all in front of you it's like a wall of people it's like a real steep incline so that like the top row is like right in front of you like everyone's right in front It's a very strange theater, but it's...

[410] Was it good?

[411] That makes it intimate.

[412] Yeah, it's great.

[413] For 7 ,000 people, it's as good as it gets.

[414] I did one up at Seneca Casino this past October, I think.

[415] It was like 550 seats, but same thing.

[416] Theater seating, and if I have a shot, something else, I'd love to do it there.

[417] Those casinos can be fucking weird.

[418] They can suck, or they can be great.

[419] That was a great one, but they hit a miss, you're right?

[420] Those Indian ones in Connecticut?

[421] Oh, fucking Christ.

[422] You don't know where you're getting.

[423] Especially the people.

[424] Like Connecticut, Connecticut is a fucking strange state.

[425] You got people around the edges that are near Boston or that are near New York that are cool.

[426] They're kind of like, I didn't want to live in the city.

[427] I want a yard.

[428] So they go to Connecticut.

[429] Right.

[430] And then you got those fucking deep weirdos that live in those where you have to drive five miles an hour because deer jumping across the road every five seconds.

[431] Yeah.

[432] Yeah, you get urban, you get Hartford, then you get, you know, the woods, and then you get the snooty people.

[433] and Greenwich.

[434] And Hartford is surprisingly shitty.

[435] I know.

[436] You think of Hartford, Connecticut.

[437] It sounds regal.

[438] Like Hartford, Connecticut.

[439] It probably was at one time.

[440] Yeah.

[441] You know what I mean?

[442] Waterbury, Connecticut.

[443] Yeah.

[444] We used to be like a textile.

[445] It was unbelievable.

[446] Back in the 50s, it was a beautiful city.

[447] Now, you know.

[448] Yeah, I used to do gigs in Waterbury.

[449] Get a boling driving through there.

[450] Yeah, it's a rough area.

[451] There's a lot of rough spots there.

[452] My wife's from outside of Waterbury.

[453] Yeah, and ain't the best place to stop.

[454] She's a witch doctor.

[455] Did I mention that?

[456] No. She's from a little town from outside of Waterbury.

[457] I mean, don't get me wrong.

[458] There's some nice people there, but they're all dying to get out.

[459] I don't like casino.

[460] I don't like the mix of a casino.

[461] I don't like, I guess if you're a gambler, I can see Lovin staying there for a week, but I hate when I have to do a casino.

[462] I just don't.

[463] It, to me, it draws the fucking dregs of, you see these people like they're in the late 70s.

[464] you're wearing dirty running shoes and a member's only jacket on a Friday night you know and you think you're lucky the fuck what makes you think you're lucky you're wearing dirty running shoes in a member's only jacket and you just put two grand into the wheel of fortune machine you fucking loser and then they get pissed and they come to the show right?

[465] Yeah.

[466] And sit with a puss on their face well especially those casinos you're like you are only here because you're a gambling junkie.

[467] You're not taking a weekend in Vegas we're going to go to Vegas we're going to see some shows we're going to go to the Stratis fear we're going to ride the rides whoa no not of that fucking Connecticut and then you're playing you know you you're at the crap table the guy next year is like a 20 year old kid wearing a knicks shirt he's a basketball shirt like you know fucking and workboats what do you think you should dress up like back in the rat pack days not dress up but what the fuck you don't have to look like crap to play grab a little collar a little collar on your shirt I'm not saying that but a little alligator shirts i hate them you remember when we're kids kids would uh they would so fake alligators on like generic well the kids in south you would do that like the poor kids right yeah and you get mad at you if you want to check their tag doesn't that notorious b ig has a song about that right doesn't it checking your tag yeah like someone's trying to like you punch them in the face like yeah there's like a song where he's he punches somebody in the face where they try to check his tag there's a reason for violence hey look he's questioning your brand you got to do what you got to do if you're in certain neighborhoods you know you gotta keep your rep the fake ones always look just like the alligator but it's just like a tadpole or a lizard or something yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a little off you can never you you have to have nothing on your shirt or isn't it weird how fucking brands become like something that everyone has to have it's so fucking strange how sheepish people are with that kind of stuff sheep like I need to wear it what everybody else is wearing otherwise you're not in you know like brand I know I know people that that they want to have everything brand name, you know?

[468] Like, everything has to be brand name.

[469] And if it's not brand name, like, well, it's just as good.

[470] It doesn't matter.

[471] Who made that?

[472] That's my wife you're talking about it.

[473] She can't buy fucking generic.

[474] I do a bit about it.

[475] We have mice in our basement, so I put traps down.

[476] She can't, I caught up putting imported parmesan regiano cheese in one of the fucking traps at 18 bucks a pound.

[477] Really?

[478] How about craft singles?

[479] What the fuck?

[480] She was putting imported cheese?

[481] Yeah.

[482] She just wanted, you know, put.

[483] cheese and stuff.

[484] Yeah, that's all we had in the fridge.

[485] I'm like, well, what do you fucking, you know, when do you leave my Biscotti down there?

[486] A fucking espresso maker.

[487] It's one of my older bits, but it's true.

[488] Somebody has a good joke about Biscotti.

[489] Like, no pastry is good if you have to dunk it in coffee first.

[490] To soften it.

[491] It's like, nobody eats Biscotti raw, you know.

[492] My grandfather used to cuts the underside of your mouth.

[493] I think it's Sarah Weinstein has one.

[494] She has a Biscotti bit?

[495] Yeah.

[496] It's not her.

[497] It's a guy.

[498] I know it's a guy who has the bit, but yeah.

[499] I mean, it's one of those things.

[500] It's like, why, like, when you go to a fucking, like, one of those coffee beans and they have, what are those hard, like, triangle -looking, it's not a, it's a blueberry scone.

[501] Fuck, scones.

[502] You know, I want a muffin, and all you have is scones.

[503] This is bullshit.

[504] Fuck scones.

[505] Lemon bar's not bad.

[506] I disagree with you there, sir.

[507] I don't mind a lemon bar.

[508] I love it.

[509] I just feel like pastry should be most.

[510] I'm mostly soft.

[511] I don't mind a little crusty outside.

[512] And you look like you did coke right up you ate it?

[513] A little bit of that powder all over your face.

[514] Grining your tail.

[515] It's fucking delicious.

[516] I've never done coke, but I'm always paranoid that people think I'm doing coke.

[517] I just found old cake.

[518] Coke.

[519] You found some old Coke?

[520] In an old coat that I haven't worn in like 10 years.

[521] I'm just like going through it.

[522] I'm like, what the?

[523] A little baggy?

[524] Yeah, I had like four lines in it, but I'm just thinking like who, what night did I go?

[525] You know what?

[526] I'm done.

[527] I'm just going to save this for later.

[528] What?

[529] What the fuck?

[530] Yeah, that's not, how do you know it's coke?

[531] It might be rice and someone's trying to kill you.

[532] Might be like, I know how to kill this dummy.

[533] Somebody hated something you posted on YouTube.

[534] Yeah, just put some fucking something in a Coke bag and leaving his jacket.

[535] He'll snort it.

[536] That's not what I wanted to.

[537] That's true.

[538] Probably would.

[539] Because I don't remember ever even buying Coke or having Coke.

[540] If somebody wanted to kill you, all they would have to do is buy you drinks to the comedy store and then hand you a bag of anthrax.

[541] And you'd be like, fuck yeah.

[542] Anthrax, that's what it was.

[543] It burns.

[544] well what joe now this is you've changed since i've known you like i mean you're like this cosmic fucking you're doing what's the ds mt dmt dmt yeah that's way different than coke no i know no i know that's why i'm saying i would risk a heart attack i'd rather do that shit i would never i'm scared i'm scared of that stuff why you're scared because uh some people won't come back that that's not true that's it's not like lSD it's the thing about really yeah yeah DMT, first of all, your brain makes it.

[545] It's common in the body.

[546] Oh, then I have none of it.

[547] I've never had it.

[548] Do you have dreams?

[549] Oh, do I ever?

[550] There you go.

[551] That's DMT.

[552] You know, I have dreams and I drink Kaaba.

[553] I have an insomnia.

[554] Oh, Kava, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[555] That gives me dreams.

[556] Mm -hmm.

[557] Yeah, that'll do it.

[558] Is that right?

[559] Yeah, for sure.

[560] Yeah, there's a lot of different...

[561] I knew you didn't know this shit.

[562] I knew it.

[563] Melatonin gives some people freaky dreams.

[564] I don't like that shit.

[565] Sometimes just taking vitamins before you go to bed, sometimes people will get weird dreams.

[566] How about if you kill your wife before you go to bed That'll make you fucking sweat Horrible dreams You probably won't sleep Acetylcholine is a big one Take acetylcholine before you go to sleep You have the fucking wildestrish What is that?

[567] And where do you get this shit, Joe?

[568] You crazy fuck?

[569] Well, it's actually just a plant It's an extract from plants It's one of the main ingredients of alpha brain But who turned you on to this shit?

[570] Oh, the internet Just started doing research Nicotine patch Just put a nicotine patch before you go to bed And it keeps your nicotine receptors Where am I taint?

[571] That's a good thing place for it yeah does it really yeah it keeps your nicotine receptors alive well there's a bunch of different nutrients that are shown to have a positive effect on your memory and the way your brain functions so i started researching them about 10 years ago i started getting into them taking different ones a bunch of different vitamins and but it wasn't any like it wasn't a bunch of friends that said you got to do this shit well DMT is different i mean this is we're talking about like acetylcholine and nutrients and parasit i want to hear about the DMT the third eye shit that i found out about well I heard about it first through this guy named Terrence McKenna who was I've heard about Terrence McKenna through an old Bill Hicks joke Bill Hicks did a joke yeah about terence with mushrooms yeah yeah yeah what Terence McKenna would call a heroic dose so I was like who's his 10 McKenna guy and so I bought a Terrence McKenna book and I was like holy shit is this guy going deep I think I bought Food of the Gods his crazy fucking book this guy was just I mean at the time when I never heard anything about like much about psychedelics I mean when I knew people that did mushrooms is like let's get fucked up hey I got some mushrooms woo we're gonna go see some crazy shit that's not really there did you do that shit like you did mushrooms when you were young and so no I didn't do much I didn't party at all like I might have smoked pot five times before I was 30 maybe at the most six or seven before I was 30 and it was all it was all when I was drunk you know it's like party drunk someone's got a joint yeah Fuck it, I'll smoke some of that.

[572] And then I was like, oh, I don't want to do that again.

[573] Yeah, you know, it just freak me out.

[574] I can't feel my feet, you know, that kind of shit.

[575] Yeah, that's what surprises me. Then you do this shit.

[576] Well, then I started getting in a pot.

[577] I enjoy it now.

[578] I love pot.

[579] It's one of my favorite things.

[580] Yeah, once I hit about 30, 31, I started hanging out with my friend Eddie Bravo.

[581] And Eddie Bravo, who is a musician, was telling me that it makes him more creative, that he likes, I was like, makes me dopey?

[582] And he's like, are you sure?

[583] Like, have you ever, have you ever, like, smoked it by itself or smoked it when you're drinking so we smoked some and then i was like this is the best shit ever and we went and got ice cream sundays and i was like i can't fucking believe ice cream sundays taste this good and then you wrote a bit on no it's just true ice cream sunda no i should have i probably should have i missed the boat but sex really oh dude sex feels so much better when you're high what kind of weed is this any kind of weed it makes you hypersensitive that's why people get paranoid the reason why you get paranoid is because most of us put blinders on because you have to to get through life i mean there's You know, we're on a fucking planet.

[584] We're flying through space.

[585] We're riding around in metal boxes.

[586] This is what I wanted to hear.

[587] 60 miles an hour on the highway.

[588] Anybody at any moment in time could just fucking turn into the oncoming traffic.

[589] And you have to put blinders on to get through life.

[590] And we ignore things.

[591] And then when you smoke pot, he goes, hey, you ever think about this?

[592] And you're like, yeah, but I'm trying not to.

[593] And then people go, oh.

[594] I don't like pot because it makes me paranoid.

[595] I think it just makes you hyper sensitive.

[596] Last time I smoked it was in, when I first moved to New York City, I was in an acting class This cute girl We go back to her apartment Like five of us from the class Smoked this shit And then I had to go On the way home I'm going to the bank Chemical bank I'm in line I'm like fourth in line And they had a digital thing Where your number comes up So finally I get to the front My number comes up And I fucking lady just stared at me And I ran out the door That's a true story Just freaked out She looked like a mean school teacher And I just fucking bolted That's the last time That was like in the early 90s That's funny Do you want to smoke some?

[597] You know, I bet you would help me with my insomnia, wouldn't it?

[598] Yeah, sometimes.

[599] But then again, what if it's really...

[600] I hear it's like the weed today is obviously way stronger than what was going on in the early 50s.

[601] You take one hit nowadays and just see if it works.

[602] Got some right here, Nick DePaolo.

[603] Just one hit.

[604] One hit, Nick.

[605] This is going to happen.

[606] This place.

[607] Look at these skulls and shit.

[608] That's all I need.

[609] I know.

[610] Smoke weed and look at this fucking goat's head you get over here.

[611] That's a boost that I shot a couple months ago.

[612] Are you kidding?

[613] What on the 101?

[614] No Yeah, it was an invader from Canada It didn't have its green card I fucking took it out for America No, I shot that one in Canada If you lived around here I'd give you some moose stakes I got 400 pounds of it in my fridge Do you really?

[615] Fucking guy, Joe testosterone man That's fucking hilarious My cousin, I got a cousin I hunts with bow and arrow He's got all kinds of Yeah, I've done some of that Has you?

[616] I shot a bear with a bone arrow Do you do that shit high You know?

[617] No That would freak you No, no, no. Yeah, it's not bad.

[618] Caveman coffee.

[619] I don't, yeah, firearms and marijuana is not a, I want to be like fucking hyper diligent, hyper aware.

[620] On the point, no fucking around.

[621] You know, the last thing you ever want to be involved in is a firearm accident that you could have prevented.

[622] It's a good point.

[623] I didn't even think of that angle.

[624] Yeah, I got no, I know guys who do it, though, they smoke weed and they go, they go fucking bow hunting.

[625] They're getting a tree stand, smoke a joint, sit out there with nature.

[626] They like it.

[627] Really?

[628] At least if you're in a tree stand and you're shooting a bow and arrow, the likelihood of you shooting yourself is very small.

[629] The likelihood of you shooting somebody else, very small.

[630] Oh, yeah, because the Indians were probably high back on the day when they were hunting.

[631] They didn't have much marijuana here.

[632] Not weed, but other shit.

[633] They had peyote and stuff, and they used that.

[634] But, yeah, there's probably some mushroom use going on to.

[635] But I think they would use that stuff to sort of like fucking post, post, you know, hunt to kind of like celebrate or something like that.

[636] Yeah, they rub.

[637] But the Vikings, you know, used to use mushrooms and go on.

[638] Minnesota?

[639] No, not those guys.

[640] They used steroids.

[641] Randy Mark.

[642] Different Vikings.

[643] Who's that fucking giant dude who there's all these photos of this, some football player?

[644] There was like a bunch of memes with this guy.

[645] You know what I'm talking about?

[646] Was his steroid freak is that?

[647] No, I mean, probably.

[648] Who the fuck knows?

[649] You know, I don't know.

[650] Is it a college kid?

[651] Is it a college kid?

[652] Yeah, he's in college.

[653] He's like...

[654] Now?

[655] He's playing enough?

[656] 6 -8 -290 or something like that.

[657] I mean, the people today are so goddamn freaky huge.

[658] Yeah, 2 % body fat.

[659] They can run like deer.

[660] Yeah, this is the guy.

[661] What, look at the side.

[662] This is not the right picture, but look, there's one picture of this guy standing around a bunch of other people.

[663] And he just, like, you go, what the fuck?

[664] How was that guy so big?

[665] Yeah, that's the photo.

[666] Did that photo all the right.

[667] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[668] Look at the size of that motherfucker.

[669] That guy was created in the lab.

[670] That doesn't even look like a real person.

[671] And not a negative body fat.

[672] What do you got going on?

[673] I'm making the picture bigger.

[674] Oh.

[675] Yeah, that's not the...

[676] There's a full photo of them.

[677] There it is.

[678] Yeah.

[679] See if you can make that bigger.

[680] It looks like a robot.

[681] That's Twitter doesn't...

[682] When you try to enlarge a Twitter photo, it doesn't let you do that for some reason.

[683] You go to a certain size and then it blanks out on you.

[684] Yeah, he looks like a lab experiment.

[685] You know, when you go back and you look like Jim Brown, back when he was playing.

[686] Sean Oakman.

[687] That's the gentleman's name.

[688] I will call him a gentleman from now on, by the way.

[689] He's some insane size, and he's still in college.

[690] It just doesn't make any sense.

[691] People are just way bigger now.

[692] I don't know if it's hormones and the meat.

[693] I know.

[694] 12 -year -old girls with must -handle -handle -on -martreys.

[695] There he is.

[696] Look at this.

[697] Look at this motherfucker.

[698] Fucking Christ.

[699] Probably a strong safety, too.

[700] Look at the size of that guy.

[701] It doesn't even look like a human.

[702] Look how he's towering over the guy's neck.

[703] to him.

[704] Look at his arms, he said.

[705] Yeah, they're popping out of his shirt.

[706] Why does he have pads on?

[707] They're not going to help.

[708] Those pads are useless.

[709] What the fuck?

[710] He doesn't have pads on.

[711] What the fuck?

[712] What the fuck?

[713] He's got his stomach like a cheerleader.

[714] I was thinking that the other day.

[715] How come it never caught on with guys to wear like midriff exposed shirts?

[716] It's like girls wear those exclusively.

[717] Like midriff exposed shirts.

[718] I guess you've been to West Hollywood lately.

[719] Yeah, with the tight And the knot in front That's the best Like Ellie Mae Fucking clamping Like Ellie Mae I'm gonna suck some cards Down on Sanchez Boulevard Oh the fucking Beverly Hillbillies Yeah nobody Nobody fucked back then You watched the Beverly Hillbillies Nobody ever fucked Ellie Mae who wouldn't Did she even go on a date On that show?

[720] Yeah with Jethro Her brother Then you had the first lesbian in Hollywood I think was Miss Hathaway I thought it was Alice.

[721] I think the Beverly Hillbillies.

[722] Oh, yeah, Alice from the Brady.

[723] Was Alice a legend?

[724] But I think, oh, Christia.

[725] Christia?

[726] She played, fuck, Texas.

[727] She was a nose tackle in college before she got, she landed the role of Alice.

[728] Um, uh, see the coffee.

[729] I'm stumbling over my own fucking word.

[730] We're getting angry already.

[731] It's unbelievable.

[732] You're fucking chicken, fucking tackling people.

[733] She was good.

[734] No, but Ms. Hathaway was, but I think the best.

[735] heavily uh hillbillies predated uh oh you're right the lady that worked at the bank yes they were always kissing his ass because yeah because jed had all the money yeah the one that dennis said when he's talking about bruce johnna hey when did bruce janet turned out of mrs half away from the bear yeah it's not it's not the best reference but i see what he's going he's going no exactly wasn't dennis mell is a strange cat man he is a strange guy he's like him i like him too I mean, I like him as a person.

[736] I've talked to him.

[737] I enjoy talking to him.

[738] But 9 -11 came along, and that guy just went flunking.

[739] He took a right turn and hit the gas.

[740] I was already there.

[741] You were already there.

[742] You were always there.

[743] Yeah.

[744] Fuck you.

[745] Stuck out like a sore thumb in Boston, didn't I?

[746] Well, Boston's a little right wing.

[747] I mean, there's a lot of left wing in Boston, but there's a lot of right wing, too.

[748] You're right.

[749] It's so left that we used to talk about this at Nix.

[750] It's so left wing that it came.

[751] full circle they started to have shit in common like people from selfie and and you know it was remember barry krimmins you remember those right yeah you know um i was talking to bobcat this weekend bobcat goldway came to the ufc and i got him and his daughter's boyfriend is a big ufc fan i got him some tickets and hung out with him and he just did a documentary on barry crimmons and that's right he heard him talking about it's pretty intense he's sick now barry right is he he he was a couple years ago they had a benefit for him Oh, I didn't know about that.

[752] Yeah.

[753] But this was about, uh, Barry was apparently molested, uh, as a child, as a young child.

[754] And this, this is sort of like explaining how we became this like sort of angry curmudgeon.

[755] Right.

[756] And it's apparently a fucking really deep and intense documentary.

[757] And, uh, it's coming out, it's going to be on Sundance and they're, they're going to come on a show in, um, sometime either in late January or February.

[758] but um it's uh it's a fucked up fucked fucked fucked up bobcat title too like uh call me lucky or something like that like call me lucky yeah like that's what he you know he named the uh the documentary something along those like he told me the title i was howling laughing but yeah barry krimmons was like super left i remember hearing that him saying that he came out one night and sort of broke down on stage at stitches about that whoa that's what i remember hearing i think i can't remember if I had already moved to New York at that point, but I remember somebody telling me secondhand that he let it all out on stage one night or something.

[759] But you know, left wing back then was a different thing.

[760] Oh, yeah, hell yeah.

[761] It was way more tolerant.

[762] Yeah, it was way more tolerant or relaxed.

[763] And now it's become a lot of like shaming and call -outs.

[764] It's become this aggressive tactic thing, like the aggressively left -wing, in your face about it, which just creates conflict.

[765] more than it resolves anything.

[766] Absolutely.

[767] You know, I mean, Barry was like, he was like a pro -union guy because he believed that people should get good wages.

[768] He bought American beer.

[769] He would always drink a Budweiser on stage.

[770] I was a bar back.

[771] I used to carry the, I carry a case of Budwe.

[772] I was a bar back for like six months in Stitches before I started comedy.

[773] Back with Susie?

[774] Susie.

[775] Remember Susie, the manager of Stitches?

[776] She was in that band.

[777] They had a parody band where they walk like an Egyptian was out.

[778] They had a walk with an erection.

[779] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[780] Harry Conforty was running it.

[781] Yeah, Harry owned it, yeah.

[782] And Barry, you're right.

[783] I used to bring a case of Budweiser, and you're right, now we think back on it.

[784] He was hiding, son.

[785] He would drink that case throughout the night.

[786] There'd be maybe two left.

[787] I mean, in about, you know, sit around after and fend, he had a cooler, and he's the only guy that ever tipped me as a barback.

[788] He was a good guy.

[789] There's a big walrus mustache.

[790] He was kind of intimidating and, but it's funny.

[791] It's like Randy Credico.

[792] He's so, I mean, radical left -wing, but he used to make me laugh as hard as anybody.

[793] Jimmy Tingle.

[794] And Tingle.

[795] I mean, they're funny guys.

[796] No doubt about it.

[797] I always quote Tingle's joke about Ronald Reagan.

[798] What is he?

[799] This was when I was an open micer.

[800] I saw him perform this because when I was an open micer was right after the whole Reagan contra thing and went down.

[801] It was like 1988.

[802] And right after Reagan was out of office, they were, they were in, he was on trial and they were asking him, did you sell arms to Iran?

[803] He said, I don't remember.

[804] I don't remember.

[805] He goes, Mr. President.

[806] Well, you sent.

[807] When you sell arms to people who hate us, jot it down.

[808] That is a perfect Boston Jimmy Tingle.

[809] It's just such a great line.

[810] Shot it down.

[811] That is a good tangle, Joe.

[812] Yeah.

[813] He was good.

[814] He's another one.

[815] He's like real left wing, but reasonable in his left wing.

[816] Yes, absolutely.

[817] You know, it's like left wing now has become this like super hyper.

[818] Yeah, the fascist funks.

[819] I've experienced it in a pretty, hardcore way when I came out again, and I'm pretty fucking left wing, and a lot of issues on gay rights, on gay marriage, on a lot of different issues, on racial issues, but I also own guns.

[820] I'm in the NRA.

[821] I'm a lot of, I feel like there's a lot of, I feel like there's a lot of credible issues on both sides.

[822] But there's this guy who got a sex change and then started fighting women in MMA.

[823] I was like, get the fuck out of here.

[824] And all these people were calling me transphobe and bigot and all this crazy shit.

[825] Yeah, yeah.

[826] And that's when I got really, that's when I really experienced the full understanding of what it means to be a social justice warrior.

[827] Anytime a man is critical of women.

[828] Anytime a man shits on women, that guy.

[829] Cause ten bucks.

[830] Well, that's it.

[831] Well, you shit a guy.

[832] She has one arm.

[833] Don't shit on them.

[834] Shit on the ones for a thousand.

[835] You don't even feel bad about it.

[836] It's like, you got paid well.

[837] But anytime a man is doing, doing something.

[838] horrible against a woman or saying something bad about that guy becomes a misogynist.

[839] Unless you're criticizing a transgender person.

[840] See, transgender is more marginalized than women.

[841] So a transgender guy who becomes a girl now can fight women.

[842] And if you criticize that, you're criticizing a former guy who's now a girl.

[843] Yeah.

[844] And that's like, it takes precedent over the, yeah, I get, gets really tricky.

[845] I hate them both.

[846] Is that right?

[847] So he's fighting guy, girls now?

[848] Now at least he's out.

[849] She is out of the closet or, you know, or not, I shouldn't say out of the closet.

[850] I said, uh, out and open about it because the first two women she fought didn't know that she used to be a guy.

[851] I saw some of this on it was, it's fucking crazy.

[852] What's her name?

[853] It's no need to, no need to give this person anymore, fucking publicity than she's already gotten.

[854] She's had a hundred YouTube videos complaining about me. But the bottom line is, yeah, there's, There's two schools about it.

[855] There's transgender reassignment doctors who say, no, she's totally a woman, she's totally.

[856] But then there's martial artists and then regular endocrinologist.

[857] They go, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

[858] Like, you're not talking about just regular sports.

[859] You're not talking about someone who's competing and say, you know, fucking mountain bike racing or something.

[860] Yeah.

[861] Renee Richards.

[862] There was another one who was a mountain bike racer.

[863] Who was a mountain bike racer who dominated all the women in her first professional event.

[864] It was beating them like fucking 10, 15 seconds faster than everybody And I was like, what the fuck?

[865] And these are like, a lot of people like encouraged her To get into, you know, competing as a woman And then, you know, it just did the inherent differences Of the fucking male and female frame Really get highlighted when you watch somebody Beat that shit out of somebody Absolutely.

[866] Who is a natural born woman Versus someone who's becoming a woman.

[867] Certain things you can't change.

[868] Joe, do you remember, do you remember Superfoot Wallace?

[869] Fuck yeah, I do.

[870] Do you remember when the woman went up again?

[871] against them and why world of sports?

[872] No. Oh, why did she do that?

[873] I wonder if it's still around.

[874] Well, it wasn't even, can't be, because.

[875] A kickboxing?

[876] Yes.

[877] Why would a woman do that?

[878] I don't know.

[879] Because Billy Jean King and the whole movement was in full swing.

[880] And this broad comes running out and he fucking drops her like a use rubber.

[881] Oh, no. I came as a roundhouse or just a punch.

[882] Probably a hook kick or a punch because he had the best hook kick in the business.

[883] I want to say it was a kick to the head.

[884] Then they drag her back to her a corner.

[885] Then they sit her up again And they send her out again And he does it again No way Yes I'm up as a kid going What the fuck?

[886] Chearing There's a woman named Lucia Riker It was probably one of the best Women Boxers of all time And she fought a guy And it was like one of the first Men versus Female She just fought a mediocre guy And she's like a world champion That everybody Like Christy Martin was duck at her All these women were ducked She was a killer Man right?

[887] The Coal Biner's daughter This This Lucia Riker chick was arguably one of the best female boxes of all time got fucking lit up like a christmas tree by this dude and knocked dead just womp he caught her with a punch and just fucking turn the lights out in georgia and she face planted it was ugly because you know you're you're watching a guy beat the shit right it's it doesn't matter if they're the same weight class it doesn't matter if they they have the same amount of body mass it's a different structure well like chris rock said yeah you know we were talking about that he goes yeah you still have a hundred and you still have a 105 pound chin, though.

[888] Yeah.

[889] You know?

[890] That's the difference or whatever.

[891] Well, they can definitely, men can definitely take punches better for the most part.

[892] I mean, this guys that are built much more slender and feminine, but this one woman who used to be a man is not, it's not built feminine, you know, you get man's shoulders and fucking man hands, man hands hit harder, man's shoulders are wider, the whole deal.

[893] It's just, but the point being, until then, I had not experienced the full impact of the progressive movement, the full aggressive response.

[894] right totally illogically i'm like look we're just we're not talking about her right to be a woman i fully support that you want to you i wouldn't know what it was like to be born a man exactly would be miserable probably i fully support you changing your your sex right no problem at all change your gender no problem at all i've no problem i've no problem i'll call you whatever the fuck you want but if you beat this shit out of my sister i'm probably going to come out to you i'm just going to be honest with you i try to be tolerant until i find out that you did not disclose the fact used to be a man and my sister's in the fucking hospital because you shinned her in the head you know it's like this is a different world you're talking about you're talking about the world of combat sports right that's my world and i'm telling you right now there's a big goddamn difference between the way a man hits a bag and the way a woman hits the bag you watch the difference between the impact i don't know how much gets taken away by that sex change but not enough right it's not enough that's right it's just this just too much that's right scoop more out the difference you can't you know what you can't change dude that yeah you can't change the size of the fit You can't change the, the, the, you know, the, yeah, the frame.

[895] The frame, if you, that woman dies and a thousand years from now, scientists dig up her body, they're going to go, oh, there's a dude.

[896] That's a dude, the skeleton.

[897] They're not going to know that, you know, it was transgender, it's a woman.

[898] They're not going to know that.

[899] They're going to say, this is a male skeleton.

[900] Look at the hips.

[901] Those are male hips.

[902] That was a boundary that even feminists used to stay away from, but now they seem to be pushing that.

[903] Like, I was, I was at Gotham a couple years.

[904] I got to fight breaks.

[905] It had nothing to do with me on stage.

[906] Like two tables got into it.

[907] And there was women right in the middle of it swinging.

[908] Over what?

[909] I don't know.

[910] Someone was being loud in another table complain.

[911] And there was boyfriends and girlfriends at the table.

[912] Then they just started fucking swinging on it again.

[913] And there was a girl right in the middle trying to hit the doorman.

[914] And the other doorman came over.

[915] Whoa.

[916] Fucking knocked out the doorman.

[917] She know.

[918] He didn't pop her.

[919] Yeah.

[920] That's what I'm saying.

[921] Yeah.

[922] You don't fuck around at Gotham.

[923] Those were all former cops.

[924] That's exactly right.

[925] Those are a big, fucking Irish square -jawed savages that have knocked a lot of fucking heads loose.

[926] Yeah, and these chicks are right in the middle, fucking trying to throw haymakers, because they're bought into this shit.

[927] Yeah.

[928] You know what I mean?

[929] They're going a little too far with it.

[930] Did you see the woman trying to play football?

[931] No. On the internet?

[932] No. Look it up.

[933] It was an indoor league or an arena league or whatever.

[934] It's like first and goal from the five -yard line.

[935] She's a female running.

[936] And I don't mean like a big, you know.

[937] Yeah.

[938] She just thinks she's fast.

[939] She tries to, yeah, they try to run her off tackle like four times.

[940] And each time she gets hit more, even now it was like cringing.

[941] I don't even know her name.

[942] It was like an indoor league or arena league.

[943] But it said, you know, she was like the first one.

[944] First female to play in a pro game that wasn't a kicker.

[945] Physical equality is non -existent.

[946] It's just non -existent.

[947] And it's definitely, it's not even existent inside the genders.

[948] You know, male, like there's certain fucking men.

[949] But there's guys who fight in the UFC.

[950] Oh, yeah.

[951] Like this guy, Hector Lombard, this fucking freak of nature, this Cuban Olympian judo player who's his fucking knockout artist.

[952] You watch him fight and you're like, well, it almost is unfair that he fights regular people.

[953] Because even though they're bold, they're all 170 pounds.

[954] That's a fucking different 170 pounds.

[955] Yeah.

[956] But at least there, you mean, there's no fair when it comes to that shit.

[957] And that's part of what it is to be a champion.

[958] Like, what is this?

[959] 5 -foot -2, 130 -pound female running back plays a professional football game.

[960] Watch the, she takes a...

[961] Oh, no. Oh, she's still alive.

[962] All right.

[963] I don't know.

[964] There's the two guys that knocked her out.

[965] Why would she do that?

[966] She was taking shots like I have...

[967] Yeah, that's it.

[968] Please play that, Brian.

[969] And they give the ball to it like three times in a row.

[970] Are we going to get pulled from YouTube?

[971] Let's see.

[972] Give it a shot.

[973] Give it a shot.

[974] We'll edit this, ladies and gentlemen, and if we get pulled from YouTube, Jamie, I'll just edit that part.

[975] You can Google it.

[976] What's the name of it?

[977] It's called 5 '2.

[978] It's on Daily Mail.

[979] 5 foot 2, 130 -pound female running back plays and professional football game.

[980] But I think the video is actually pulled from this website.

[981] Oh, really?

[982] By your husband.

[983] Yeah, because this is not playing.

[984] The fucking United Nations.

[985] It's a crime against humanity.

[986] Here's a picture, though.

[987] Oh, God.

[988] Look at her getting smashed.

[989] That's not it.

[990] Look at her face, though.

[991] That's not her.

[992] Well, that might be, that's it.

[993] That's it.

[994] That's the claim.

[995] Oh, here we go.

[996] Jesus Christ.

[997] Ooh.

[998] That was her about to go in.

[999] They just smashed her.

[1000] And they...

[1001] You get up.

[1002] She gets her out of applause for getting up.

[1003] She's not dead.

[1004] That's fucked up.

[1005] Congratulations.

[1006] She's not dead.

[1007] They give her the ball three times and around, and each hit is more savage.

[1008] I'm sitting there going, what the fuck?

[1009] But she's tough as nails because she didn't go off the field.

[1010] That's hurt.

[1011] You see her go flying through the air?

[1012] Yeah, that dude just threw her.

[1013] Don't let's not watch this I don't want to watch that Yeah People can I laugh Why would you laugh Makes me sad Be a chick trying to play Yeah I have daughters I don't want them to be that stupid Well they want them You wouldn't let them do that would you I put them I can do I can't control them They become adults They can do whatever the fuck they want You're giving that mind -authoring shit You don't Joe you got to see this last one though This is like humongous guy Just Oh here you go This is horrible Here we go Watch this She's got the ball Boom Oh Oh, fucking Christ.

[1014] Look at she plops right up, though.

[1015] That's a tough chick.

[1016] Oh, yeah.

[1017] Oh, she's probably played, I guess, before.

[1018] You got a juice.

[1019] You got a juice if you do it.

[1020] Even she's juicing, you know.

[1021] God, I mean, you'd have to juice for so long that you actually became a man. We had a guy in the podcast that used to be a woman and became a man, Buck Angel.

[1022] She's kind of, I mean, well, when she was a woman, she was built, like, slender, and now he's a man. And he's pretty thick.

[1023] And he, at one point in time, he got to, like, 185.

[1024] He was fucking yoke.

[1025] But he said it was, like, too much pressure on the joints.

[1026] Like, because he just fucking banging testosterone, doing deadlifts.

[1027] But there's, you know, there's only so much that changes.

[1028] It doesn't change the size of your fucking face and the size of your hands.

[1029] All that stuff gets smashed, you know.

[1030] How does, let me ask you a question.

[1031] How does Stallone, he's 68, he's still juicing, right?

[1032] Yeah.

[1033] I watch these movies and he's ripped.

[1034] He's more than 68 now.

[1035] I think he's almost 70.

[1036] Oh, yeah, I'm ready to juice.

[1037] Yeah, you should do it.

[1038] Yeah, it's testosterone replacement therapy.

[1039] Really?

[1040] Yeah, I do it.

[1041] Give me a name of a doctor.

[1042] I'm dead serious.

[1043] I got the physique of fucking Buddy Epson.

[1044] Yeah, listen, it makes...

[1045] Another Beverly Hills, right?

[1046] The bottom line, Stallone is 68, yeah.

[1047] He's my canary in a coal mine.

[1048] As long as I fucking guys alive, we're all good.

[1049] I'm telling you.

[1050] Yeah, look, it's, there's a lot of science involved in it.

[1051] Right.

[1052] If you go to the right doctor, right.

[1053] And you make sure that you get your level.

[1054] your blood levels checked on a regular basis.

[1055] It's not any more dangerous than aging.

[1056] Aging's fucking terrible for you.

[1057] Aging gets you no matter what you do.

[1058] Everybody dies from aging.

[1059] And the people are like, oh, that's eventually going to kill you.

[1060] Oh, like, unlike life.

[1061] Well, I'm going to get cheated out of a month.

[1062] Listen, you know, he's going to do a new rambo.

[1063] He's doing a new fucking rambo.

[1064] I know.

[1065] Last blood.

[1066] He's calling it.

[1067] Last blood, somebody said.

[1068] Is that real?

[1069] And somebody made a menopause joke about it.

[1070] I figured it was.

[1071] I figured who it was Somebody said that Already I mean there's never been A fucking 68 year old guy That looks like him No I mean My wife says I'm in love with him And I kind of am I like stilanto He sucks me in And I don't like those Look at that The fuck out of here Look at that picture of him Look at that picture of him When was that?

[1072] That's recent Look at that That's recent How is that possible man Testosterone That's what's missing From old people So my GNC pills that say testosterone, I'm not cutting it?

[1073] There's a bunch, those help a little.

[1074] Do they?

[1075] You know, you know what helps a lot is deadlifts and squats and hill sprints.

[1076] And any time you do something that's like compound exercises that require your body to, like, put out a lot of energy, like big bursts of energy, like, rha -ha -ha -ha -thusinesses, those force your endocrine system to fire up.

[1077] Because your body's like, this motherfucker's going to be lifting weights, like, he's going to do this all the time.

[1078] we've got to produce a lot more hormones than we regularly are.

[1079] But if you just sit around in a fucking office and you don't exercise, your testosterone levels are just, your body only does what it has to do.

[1080] That's why people get muscle atrophy when they don't work out.

[1081] Your muscle shrink, because your body's like, we don't need these.

[1082] That happens to young people.

[1083] If you don't work out, your body's like, we don't need this.

[1084] That's the same thing when you get old.

[1085] If you get old and you're not lifting weights, your bone density decreases, a lot of shit happens.

[1086] My joints, though, I did P90X, right?

[1087] I did you know you supposed to do it for 90 days I did it for like 11 months I got obsessed with and I dropped like 10 pounds which is all I wanted to drop I was in like this I did this like it ended about a year and a half ago but I kept doing it you only supposed to and there's a reason you're only supposed to do it because it's kind of tough on your joints so I did it for like 11 months all of a sudden I got up my my knees are clicking and my fucking hips and it's not because it's not because it's not because I abused it right you know I mean it's a lot of jump Xx Is it a lot of stuff that people say he's kind of out of fashion now?

[1088] Not in fashion?

[1089] Well, not out of fashion, but you know what I mean?

[1090] I just, not for a guy in his 50s, you know what I mean?

[1091] Yeah, well, there's some people that have some ideas about like limitations are a lot of times based on injuries.

[1092] Like, oh, this guy got, he hurt his back.

[1093] Well, don't do that anymore and you won't hurt your back.

[1094] There's a lot of ideas that people have, but it's all about knowing your body, knowing how much stress you put on your body and giving your body plenty of recovery time.

[1095] and then giving your body the right nutrients to recover.

[1096] Like fish oil, vitamin D, protein, full range of multivitamins.

[1097] This is super important for your body.

[1098] And food.

[1099] Like eating the right foods.

[1100] That's very important.

[1101] Like all the vitamins in the world, they're not going to help you if you're eating fucking cheeseburgers every day.

[1102] Of course.

[1103] Mm -hmm.

[1104] Did you eat healthy when you're doing that?

[1105] Oh, yeah.

[1106] Yeah.

[1107] A lot of salmon, a lot of chicken, a lot of protein, vegetables.

[1108] You know what I mean?

[1109] Just enough carbs to fuel me. And it worked.

[1110] Yeah.

[1111] It worked fucking awesome.

[1112] Oh, yeah.

[1113] I did everything because your heart rate goes through the roof.

[1114] And, no, there's no, I just abused it.

[1115] I had never done anything that work like that since I was in my 20s, and I played football in college.

[1116] I was the best shape I was in.

[1117] And I was like, holy shit.

[1118] And that's what we were doing back then.

[1119] We were doing, you know, a lot of plyometrics and stuff.

[1120] Right, right.

[1121] And that's what we did in college to get in, and it, I was in great condition.

[1122] But I couldn't, I was doing it six times a week, and you're supposed to stop after 90 days.

[1123] I didn't know you're supposed to stop.

[1124] I just thought it was 90 days.

[1125] Well, if you're in your 50s, you were.

[1126] are you know i mean if you're if you're 25 you can fucking do it for three years i'm sure the guy who does it is like 50 isn't oh he's older than that now tony yeah tony great shape i know do you know there's another one that you can do that's called the extreme uh kettlebell cardio cardio workout by this guy keith weber there's not no jumping and none of that stuff it's all just one i do it with a 35 pound kettlebell yeah i saw that out there try to pick it up and i go well i'm done with that shit that's 70 pounds So that's a heavy one.

[1127] This one is a light one.

[1128] It's just a full cardio workout.

[1129] It's fucking, you pick up a 35 -pound kettlebell.

[1130] It feels like nothing.

[1131] But after like a minute.

[1132] Playing with it.

[1133] Holy shit.

[1134] You're like, how much time is this going to?

[1135] It's a 45 -minute workout?

[1136] Oh, my God.

[1137] 20 minutes in, your fucking legs are on fire.

[1138] Your lungs are on fire.

[1139] But it's very low stress on your joint because it's not a lot of weight and it's not like no jumping or anything like that.

[1140] I fucking love that workout.

[1141] I do it all the time.

[1142] It's fantastic.

[1143] But it's like one of those ones.

[1144] He's doing it, so you do it.

[1145] You follow along.

[1146] Those are the best ones.

[1147] That's what's good about that P90X.

[1148] Right, exactly.

[1149] Do what they're doing, and then, you know, it's over and you're done.

[1150] You show up.

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] That's the problem is fucking just actually doing shit.

[1153] Like so many people are like, I want to get in shape.

[1154] I want to fucking do it.

[1155] That's all.

[1156] Just fucking do it.

[1157] Nobody does it.

[1158] They just fucking talk about it.

[1159] They talk about it.

[1160] He said that in one of the things.

[1161] He goes, just show up and hit play.

[1162] And that actually set off a thing in my head.

[1163] No matter how shitty I felt that going on there.

[1164] And I go, yeah, you know, I always give myself advice.

[1165] Like, a lot of times when I land somewhere, I'm like, oh, I don't want to go to the gym, you know.

[1166] And I go, come on, pussy, man up.

[1167] And then I, like, tell myself, I go, all right, I pretend, like, I'm talking to me. And I call myself a pussy, and then I just go.

[1168] But I always feel better when I do, you know?

[1169] It's like knowing when you feel like shit because you're getting sick and knowing when you feel like shit just because you're being lazy.

[1170] This motherfucker gets up.

[1171] I'll tell you what.

[1172] That motherfucker.

[1173] gets up.

[1174] Pull that picture up, Brian.

[1175] I read an article.

[1176] He said he, when he was, you know, when he was doing the, the, the, uh, the, uh, expendables?

[1177] No, the first blood.

[1178] Rambo?

[1179] He was so obsessed with working out.

[1180] He'd go to, he'd be out in South Beach, shit -based, and then go right to the gym, drunk at three in the morning.

[1181] Really?

[1182] Yeah, well, he was drunk.

[1183] Stallone would work out drunk.

[1184] Yes, he said he was obsessed with it.

[1185] I didn't even know he got drunk.

[1186] That's what he said.

[1187] Well, he said he was at bars.

[1188] I'm guessing that's what he was doing.

[1189] And he'd go right to the frigging gym.

[1190] That's hilarious Three in the morning If you follow the rock Follow the rock's Instagram page If you ever want to feel like a lazy fuck Follow the rock's Instagram page He'll like fucking fly somewhere At five o 'clock in the morning And he's like touchdown 5 a .m. Gym 530 Oh fuck that The gym doing fucking squaws Raw I saw he has the kettlebells He's on it kettlebells Yeah yeah he's on it I'll fly to a hotel in the gym I can see it from my room I won't go to it now Just stare at it That equipment's old It's a fucking, it's going to get me hurt.

[1191] It's a nautilus.

[1192] Those of, they're outdated.

[1193] They're bad for your joints.

[1194] Pull that picture up.

[1195] Look at this motherfucker.

[1196] Seven years old.

[1197] That is hilarious.

[1198] Yeah.

[1199] Look how he's looking out the window.

[1200] You'll have to shoot somebody or kill somebody or something.

[1201] It's got a frigging nine pack.

[1202] Yeah.

[1203] He's an actor.

[1204] Look at.

[1205] That's true.

[1206] If I knew somebody, you know, if I knew 12 million people were going to see me, I'd actually put in the time.

[1207] Yeah, I mean.

[1208] But when it's my wife, who gives a fuck?

[1209] Yeah, listen, bitch.

[1210] You're going to suck.

[1211] whether you like it or not either that or we're getting divorced you decide you want to be lonely rude that's a great idea I never thought about that what use divorce like suck it or divorce you're that's not a good idea that's why you're not married I say yeah I say yeah I say something ridiculous and he's like yeah what a great idea I'm joking around he's like hey this is doctrine let me write this down wait when did you get married uh five years ago was it I don't know you get kids, but I don't know.

[1212] For some reason, I didn't think you were married.

[1213] I held off for a while.

[1214] I think marriage is ridiculous, but I'm not going anywhere.

[1215] I have kids.

[1216] I love having kids.

[1217] I even enjoy being married.

[1218] But I don't.

[1219] I think the idea of a legal contract with the state and a legal, more ridiculous is the idea that you bring a bunch of people that you don't even know.

[1220] And if you decide to break up, they decide where all the money goes and you have to split things up.

[1221] I've had some friends that have gone through some absolutely fucking.

[1222] brutal divorces where you understand what divorce really is it's a business i mean the the the marriage system in this country and the encouragement is involved in getting marriage getting married is about selling diamonds that's a big one and then distribution of assets which a big part of go to the legal system that's what people don't think about phil hartman was the first one if that's true turn me on to that but how about the flip side you know illegitimate kids and all that and the The solution of the family and how that turns up.

[1223] Well, what's legitimate and what's not?

[1224] I mean, if you're together and you're the father and she's the mother, you fucking jump over a broom like they did in roots and you say we're married, you know, I have friends that have kids that they change their names and they're not married.

[1225] You know, they decide we don't need to do this legally.

[1226] You know, I have friends that got married, like, on a lark.

[1227] Like, they're not really married.

[1228] They got married by a friend, you know, like, do you, and they went through a whole ceremony.

[1229] Doug Stanhope did that.

[1230] He got married and was like a fake.

[1231] And then, like, when she went crazy, he was like, well, I guess, let's not be married anymore.

[1232] Then he doesn't have to go to court.

[1233] He doesn't have Stanhope got married.

[1234] Yeah, he got married a while back.

[1235] How crazy is ever.

[1236] It wasn't real, though.

[1237] It was just like they did everything except sign the actual papers.

[1238] They wore the rings or whatever.

[1239] But if he went to court, if she took him to court, I bet she could fuck him.

[1240] Oh, yeah.

[1241] I bet back then while they were together.

[1242] She'd get all his suits.

[1243] Yeah, she'd get all those fucking goofy suits you wears?

[1244] Isn't there like a law if you live with somebody for over seven years that's a domestic partner?

[1245] or that could be kind of common law marriage that's right is that in all states I don't think so I think it varies state by state but California it's definitely it exists in California there's also a thing about being married more than a certain amount of time I have a friend who was married for 12 years in this you know fucking towards the end it was brutal he couldn't deal with anymore no kids broke up with her has to pay alimony for the rest of her life forever she apparently because he paid for her for 12 years.

[1246] I mean, she's like 49, 50, she might live.

[1247] She's paying him?

[1248] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's paying her forever.

[1249] Oh, I thought he's a cheap.

[1250] They were married when she was 30.

[1251] No, no, no, no, no, no. This is California.

[1252] California divorce loss.

[1253] I thought you're talking about America.

[1254] When you go through, it's the People's Republic of California, when you go through a certain amount of years of marriage in California, you are obligated if you're the guy who's, Was it the caretaker?

[1255] I don't know how they describe it.

[1256] If you're the guy who's got the money.

[1257] Would that friend be Kurt Russell?

[1258] No. It's a different guy.

[1259] What was he doing?

[1260] Kurt Russell was never married, right?

[1261] They never got married, I guess.

[1262] Because of that.

[1263] Goldie, huh?

[1264] Well, they both have money, though.

[1265] No, I know.

[1266] My friend was married, his wife was just fucking getting her nails done, bringing her little fucking chet of tiny dog, get it washed.

[1267] He has to pay her for the rest of her life.

[1268] He's married now to another woman, and he pays her exorbitant amounts of money every month.

[1269] And she lives in his old house in the fucking palisades, It's a sweet house, and she moved her boyfriend in.

[1270] And when you're living with a man, then it's supposed to be, you know, he's not supposed to pay anymore.

[1271] So he brings an investigator into the situation.

[1272] The investigator goes and they check the house.

[1273] The guy moves out when the investigator comes.

[1274] He's around the corner with a fucking U -Haul.

[1275] As soon as they leave, comes back around, moves a shit back in.

[1276] And they go through this little dance where they do.

[1277] If she gets married again, he doesn't have to pay her anymore.

[1278] But then she lose out on hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

[1279] I mean, I think he pays you something like six or seven hundred grand a year.

[1280] Well, that's why, and I'm not saying this is justified, but that's why a lot of guys snap.

[1281] Oh, yeah.

[1282] I mean, same with all the, you know, child custody thing.

[1283] You know, it's all favored towards the mom in that case.

[1284] And guys fucking snap.

[1285] Well, in some cases...

[1286] I'm not saying it's justified, but they do.

[1287] The systems are fucked up because, first of all, these people don't know you.

[1288] So if you go into court and, you know, it's everyone's trying to present their argument, like, they're the perfect person.

[1289] I'm the perfect husband.

[1290] I was the perfect dad.

[1291] You know, my wife is a crazy bitch.

[1292] You know, I was the perfect mom.

[1293] Yeah, they weren't there.

[1294] Yeah.

[1295] The lawyers?

[1296] I've also had friends that their wives, when they're breaking up, will file a restraining order and say that he was threatening and being abusive.

[1297] And if it's just you and her alone, they can say all kinds of crazy shit.

[1298] And that's where a guy would snap.

[1299] I mean, if you're going to ruin my life.

[1300] I have a friend who is a woman who was getting divorced and her lawyer advised her to.

[1301] do that and she was like what like she couldn't fucking believe she's like no he's not violence i'm not going to do that but he's like look it'll it'll favor you in court you know say that you know say that he was abusive say that he threatened you and you can you know he like phrased it in a way where he wasn't suggesting it he was saying one of the best ways to ensure you know favor with the court is if your husband was abusive has he been abusive has he ever said anything violent to you you know wink wink wink nudge nudge yeah like She's like, are you insinuating?

[1302] He's like, well, I'm just saying that if you did that, and she's like, stop.

[1303] I'm not going to do that.

[1304] Well, have you seen that movie Gone, Girl?

[1305] Yes.

[1306] Holy shit.

[1307] That was kind of a good example of that.

[1308] Holy shit.

[1309] Good movie?

[1310] Fuck yeah.

[1311] Dude, you haven't seen it?

[1312] No, because it seems like a chick flick.

[1313] It seems like it.

[1314] Well, it's weird.

[1315] It's, it, I can't get past the holl.

[1316] It's the opposite of a chick flick.

[1317] But, well, it is, it's to me, I don't know.

[1318] I have my own take.

[1319] I can't watch too much shit out of Hollywood.

[1320] without seeing the fucking angry feminist head rearing its fucking face.

[1321] In that movie?

[1322] Yes.

[1323] It was just an ex.

[1324] Do you see how much hate if you listen to the...

[1325] It was unbelievably well written, but that's a hateful woman who wrote that shit.

[1326] She hates men with a fucking patch.

[1327] But then they can justify it at the end by going, well, the woman's the crazy bitch in the movie.

[1328] That's what they do.

[1329] Spoiler alert.

[1330] Listen, don't say anymore because people, if you haven't seen that movie, it's a good fucking movie.

[1331] Well, what happens in the end?

[1332] No. I watched it in a hotel room.

[1333] I forget how it ended already.

[1334] I watched it in a hotel room in Vegas.

[1335] I was like fucking by myself and I was like, eh, I don't want to go to bed to see what's on TV.

[1336] It was like 1 o 'clock in the morning.

[1337] I was, I'll watch this until I fell asleep.

[1338] Ten minutes in, I'm fucking white knuckle in the pill at the edge of the bed going.

[1339] What the fuck?

[1340] But it was so slickly, I don't know.

[1341] The dialogue was so slick.

[1342] And I'm like, people really talk like that.

[1343] But the venom and the hatred towards men, that's what I was getting out of it.

[1344] I didn't get that at all.

[1345] You were you listening?

[1346] You were half asleep in a hotel room.

[1347] I hate two pots of coffee me I was sitting at foot from the TV yelling at it Going this brought is vicious But it was really Really mean and well written And she's got books out Her last name's Flynn Apparently the book is really good Apparently the book is more complex And it's more of like a murder mystery Whereas in the movie You know they're condensing it down to two hours Or whatever the hell it was But you didn't see like The way she was Categorizing guys You know His idea of a fantasy to be a fucking reality show marathon with his hand down his pants.

[1348] You ever said shit like that about a woman and a fucking moldy?

[1349] Please, it drill you out of Hollywood.

[1350] That's how I talk.

[1351] No, but I just felt like they were telling a story and, you know, given the scenario without telling what the movie's about, it totally made sense.

[1352] I mean, you know, it makes sense, but it's also coming from, you know, it's a woman writing that shit down.

[1353] That's coming out of her filthy hole.

[1354] And if a guy ever did the equivalent, You couldn't get the movie made It wouldn't get green lit I'm just saying I want equality If you're gonna be a fucking douchebag I want the right to be a douchebag back Well it used to be They used to be a smack woman in movies Well that shit happened in real life Get it together Smack Well how about you know who with the Who sticks the grapefruit in his wife's face Archie Bunker No Who sticks a grapefruit In his wife's in a movie?

[1355] I can't believe I'm going Your eyes This I'm talking about the caffeine That would hurt your eyes Cagney James Cagney Oh really?

[1356] Yeah he goes I wish you were a wishing well And you'd fucking sink of something He sticks a grapefruit And his wife's face at the kitchen table It's beautiful I played on a loop My house But I mean I wish you You know It's going too far the other way now Well you could smack women in the face And they would kiss you afterwards Those days were different What was going on back then Where you could just smack women Was there a lot of like women beating They weren't so county.

[1357] Is that what was going on?

[1358] Yeah, they've bought into this feminist horseshit.

[1359] They're going to two follow themselves.

[1360] Yeah, but I mean, why was the guy hitting her in the first place?

[1361] How about just to have a conversation with it?

[1362] Well, she burnt his eggs.

[1363] I mean, come on.

[1364] Let's be.

[1365] No, I don't know.

[1366] Of course, guys.

[1367] Nicholas, how dare you?

[1368] Oh, my God.

[1369] This is horrendous.

[1370] They're going to come after you, Nick DePaolo.

[1371] Who?

[1372] The feminists.

[1373] They're not going to come to your shows anymore.

[1374] No, exactly.

[1375] I would hope they started picketing.

[1376] Play it.

[1377] You guys are great, man. Let's hear it.

[1378] that wishing stuff again.

[1379] What you?

[1380] I wish you was a wishing well.

[1381] That I could tie a bucket to you and sink you.

[1382] Whoa.

[1383] Maybe you found someone you like better.

[1384] Oh, shit.

[1385] Oh, my God.

[1386] It was harder than I thought.

[1387] That's all she said is maybe you found someone you like better.

[1388] That was fucking palms her in the face of the grapefruit.

[1389] That was hard for the actress.

[1390] I didn't realize.

[1391] I didn't realize it was that hard either.

[1392] You know where I saw that on the Sopranos?

[1393] Tony Sopranos watching that movie at home.

[1394] I think it's a public enemy or something.

[1395] And that's where I first saw that.

[1396] I go, holy shit, how'd they get away with that?

[1397] Jesus Christ.

[1398] Look at his face.

[1399] It's kind of hit her.

[1400] Well, it's like, you know who?

[1401] When El Pacino slaps, you know who, and the godfather crossed the face.

[1402] Yeah, that was like a palm strike.

[1403] Yeah, that was crazy.

[1404] Yeah.

[1405] That was not just like a mush of the face.

[1406] He had some, like, some snap to it.

[1407] It was the heel of the hand.

[1408] Yeah.

[1409] That hurts.

[1410] I must have a different.

[1411] take.

[1412] That really did look rough than the one I remember.

[1413] I take that bad.

[1414] That was horrible.

[1415] Girls, I'm with you on that one.

[1416] He was a real dick.

[1417] All she said was, maybe I found someone better.

[1418] Maybe I found someone you like better.

[1419] She's not like Jimmy Dingle.

[1420] She's being fairly reasonable.

[1421] Yeah.

[1422] She's being fairly reasonable.

[1423] Yeah.

[1424] She wasn't even screaming.

[1425] See, but that's just it.

[1426] Ten years ago, you probably saw that and was like, yeah, that she deserved it.

[1427] But we're all getting pusified in the last ten years.

[1428] Fifty years ago, Brian.

[1429] movies from 50 fucking years ago.

[1430] That's a lot down ago.

[1431] More than 50 years ago.

[1432] That movie was from like the 50s.

[1433] Right?

[1434] Wasn't it?

[1435] Yeah.

[1436] Maybe even maybe even 40s.

[1437] Yeah.

[1438] Well, James Cagney?

[1439] Public enemy.

[1440] I don't even know if that's public enemy, but oh, geez.

[1441] Girls always had that old school hair, that old school Yeah, that wavy.

[1442] Yeah.

[1443] Like that Faye Ray had when King Kong picked her up.

[1444] Right?

[1445] That was before flat iron.

[1446] And they also had like fluffy shit around the end of their sleeves.

[1447] Like that was super common.

[1448] like she's fisting a poodle.

[1449] Like, if your wife showed up at the dinner table and she's wearing a shirt like that, you'd be like, what the fuck are you wearing that for?

[1450] Joe, how about his pajamas?

[1451] His pajamas are excellent.

[1452] The little night cap guy.

[1453] It's like Mike Brady snapping.

[1454] Carol.

[1455] It's like what you wear in jail when you're breaking rocks with a hammer.

[1456] 1931, public enemy.

[1457] Oh, my God.

[1458] I think that was it.

[1459] I think that's a public enemy.

[1460] Yeah, social media back then was a newspaper.

[1461] Yeah, right.

[1462] was no one you know social media between people shit it's there was nothing nobody had a voice back then you know it's kind of nice it was quiet but it's interesting because you could kind you could shape society with movies like a movie like that where you see james cagney hit a chick in the face with a grapefruit right that would be imitated by people who want to see that movie yeah you don't think that happens now godfather oh yeah it definitely does but at least now you have like people that counter that like this is horseshit right this this gone girl is fucking feminist tropes bullshit you know or this this gone girl as it shows you the you know the misogynistic patriarchal society that we look is arguments people can have their own sides and debate it back then you know you watched it chick got hit with a grapefruit and then you went home and you hit your wife with a grapefruit now you hit it with a pinini I mean how many people have watched movies and thought that's how to behave I saw this in a movie so this is what you do I mean it's got to be pretty fucking comment right hell yeah well just look at all the scarface t -shirts Scarface You know what I mean How many Is there's a role model Huh Has there ever been a fucking movie Where a guy Was like more of an anti -hero That became like a Never right A drug dealer murderer Who's coked out of his fucking mind Became like an iconic Cultural figure No I know Says something about Wheelway headed But everybody loved that movie I fucking love that movie But I didn't love him I wouldn't wear a fucking Get my kid a t -shirt with his face on it But it's because Yeah that's what's crazy you see a little five -year -old kid with a scarface shirt, you're like, what?

[1463] Kids like, where's the fucking Yale, huh?

[1464] First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the pussy.

[1465] Say hello to that bad guy.

[1466] He's leaving the restaurant.

[1467] Holy shit, I know Joe's doing a breath.

[1468] It's dead on.

[1469] I'm putting mine away.

[1470] That was embarrassing.

[1471] That was a good fucking movie.

[1472] It was a good fucking movie.

[1473] How about me?

[1474] When I go to see that, I go to see it the day it came out, and so it was really crowded at the theater.

[1475] This is my hometown in Denver.

[1476] I sneak down by the ropes waiting for the doors to open so I can run in and sit in the front of the next showing.

[1477] The door's open.

[1478] What do I see him falling in the pool?

[1479] Oh.

[1480] I just went into denial.

[1481] I'm like, that's not him.

[1482] That was just probably some side character.

[1483] That's not...

[1484] So you didn't know.

[1485] That's what I saw.

[1486] That's terrible.

[1487] That ruins everything.

[1488] Spoiler alert.

[1489] What happens?

[1490] Double spoil.

[1491] That's a fucking spoiler.

[1492] If there was one.

[1493] But he became a weird guy.

[1494] You know, like, later in his movies, he became, like, this real overactive guy.

[1495] Kind of, kind of big.

[1496] Yeah, too big.

[1497] Like, we're like, you know, it just didn't matter.

[1498] Like, it was, like, always, like, trying to sell shit material or something like that.

[1499] It just wasn't good anymore.

[1500] But you go back to Dog Day Afternoon.

[1501] You know, how fucking good was he?

[1502] That was a movie about a transgender guy, right?

[1503] He was a guy trying to get money for his friend to get a sex change.

[1504] That's right.

[1505] They were robbing a bank.

[1506] Wasn't it based on a true story?

[1507] I think so.

[1508] I think so.

[1509] That was a great fucking movie.

[1510] It was based on Larry Amrose, wasn't it?

[1511] He was fucking good back then.

[1512] God damn, he was good.

[1513] It's like him and, I watched some fucking trailer for a movie.

[1514] I almost watched it for a goof.

[1515] It was De Niro and Stallone.

[1516] I know, Grudge Man. Travolta.

[1517] No, that was terrible.

[1518] I kind of liked it.

[1519] I thought it was kind of cute.

[1520] Oh, good Lord.

[1521] I really did.

[1522] I bet you did.

[1523] Worse than that, far more than that, was De Niro and Travolta.

[1524] Travolta plays a. Russian hitman, and De Niro's like some fucking CIA guy.

[1525] It was one word.

[1526] Oh, my God, it is the worst fucking trailer.

[1527] Like, you watch the trailer and you're like, who greenlit this horrible piece of shit that I'm watching here?

[1528] Yeah, and it doesn't, what happens when the two characters in the movie are that famous?

[1529] Yeah.

[1530] You're watching De Niro Chase Travolta.

[1531] You're not watching a Russian guy, yeah.

[1532] With a shitty Russian accent.

[1533] Terrible.

[1534] Killing season?

[1535] Oh, it's so bad.

[1536] But like, De Niro over the last few years it seems like they just give him movies and he's like i don't do that fuck it yeah pay my fee i'll fucking do it yeah even the poster looks bad for that movie oh it's so bad dude it's so bad i would say with the amish beard i would say play the the omish beard i would say play the trailer but we'll definitely get kicked off of youtube for that fucking trailer that looks like you're hunting in central park and they pissed at each other it's such a bad movie remember when uh deniro did that movie with um the like he did like a fantasy movie like one of those fucking wizard sorcerer movie with um what the hell's her name um the chick from Sharon Stone it was I think it was her Sharon Stone and De Niro and some awful fucking unicorn wizard movie What was that movie That was called paycheck It was I mean what is he spending his money on How much money is that guy have he well it's funny because not as much as you think because there was a whole article a few years ago about him having money problems really yeah he and he just bought a bunch of property upstate new york and another there it is stardust look at this fucking piece of shit i don't even remember that he's a wizard or something i don't even remember that it got a 7 .7 on i mdb fuck you i mdb find out what showgirls has on i mdb 9 .6 that's That's a legitimately good movie because it's so bad.

[1537] Which one?

[1538] Oh, showgirls, yeah.

[1539] Legitimately good.

[1540] What was their name?

[1541] A chick, Elizabeth Sperkling?

[1542] 4 .5.

[1543] That's it.

[1544] Outrageous.

[1545] That's about right.

[1546] But how does that one have a 7 .7 then?

[1547] 7 .7 is almost fucking 8.

[1548] You know?

[1549] 8 is almost 9.

[1550] 9's almost perfect.

[1551] Right?

[1552] That's horseshit.

[1553] That's stupid train movies.

[1554] 95 % on rotten.

[1555] What train movie?

[1556] Snowpierces.

[1557] Oh, yeah.

[1558] That doesn't make any sense.

[1559] Did you see that thing?

[1560] Snowpiercer?

[1561] No. It's one of those indie movies.

[1562] People like movies that were made for like 50 bucks.

[1563] When they find out movies were made cheap and it was made in -house.

[1564] Oh, these guys made it.

[1565] And, you know, they all got together.

[1566] They chipped in.

[1567] They got a Kickstarter.

[1568] Everybody gets real excited.

[1569] They did it in Marin's Garage.

[1570] Or he does his podcast.

[1571] Well, he was doing it.

[1572] They were choked behind him.

[1573] Yeah.

[1574] It was they do it in the background.

[1575] Oh, no. I didn't even know about this movie.

[1576] What?

[1577] Did you know that there was a sequel to whatever that one?

[1578] It's called Little Fockers, where it's just about the little babies.

[1579] That's right.

[1580] What the fuck?

[1581] Are you serious?

[1582] Dustin Hoffman.

[1583] He did.

[1584] Meet the Fockers movies.

[1585] Yeah, he's been cashing in.

[1586] He really has your right.

[1587] He wasn't bad in the first one, though.

[1588] The first one wasn't that bad.

[1589] No, that was funny.

[1590] It was actually pretty funny.

[1591] But he's, what was the movie he played?

[1592] It was a fuck.

[1593] It was a movie that De Niro did.

[1594] Reese, God damn, I gotta go to De Niro's IMD.

[1595] Las Vegas, the family?

[1596] No. The family.

[1597] The big wedding.

[1598] Silver Lighting's playbook.

[1599] No, no, no. It was actually a fairly decent fucking movie.

[1600] Limitless.

[1601] Practical magic with Sandra Bull.

[1602] He played some mob guy.

[1603] That's it, the one he said.

[1604] The family.

[1605] Which is it?

[1606] Family.

[1607] I think it's that.

[1608] Was that?

[1609] I think that's it.

[1610] The good shepherd?

[1611] The family.

[1612] The family?

[1613] The family?

[1614] It's kind of a spoof on the mob?

[1615] No, it wasn't a spoof.

[1616] Fuck.

[1617] God damn it.

[1618] The Godfather?

[1619] I'm not going to know this.

[1620] Hmm, not limitless, not killer elite.

[1621] Not being freelancers?

[1622] No. Big wedding, no. Killing seat?

[1623] No, that was the one we just talked about.

[1624] Oh, Copeland was good.

[1625] Was it American Hustle?

[1626] That was good good.

[1627] What the fuck was American Hustle?

[1628] Oh, it was American Hustle.

[1629] Yeah, he was in that.

[1630] Yeah, he was in American Hustle.

[1631] Tenera was?

[1632] Yes.

[1633] Yes, he was good in that movie.

[1634] What was he doing?

[1635] I forget.

[1636] He was good in that movie.

[1637] I must have fell asleep.

[1638] They were trying to set somebody up, and he happened to know Arabic.

[1639] And the guy was playing like a fake Arab.

[1640] There was an undercover cop who was playing a fake Arab.

[1641] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1642] He was actually good in that movie.

[1643] It was like one of the rare American Hustle.

[1644] That was a good.

[1645] Okay, that movie has 7 .3.

[1646] American Hustle, which was a great movie, has a 7 .3.

[1647] Those fucking twats.

[1648] They're playing with our emotions.

[1649] I never saw it.

[1650] How does that have a 7 .3 in the other...

[1651] It's a good fucking movie.

[1652] American Hustle's like a 9.

[1653] It's a really good movie.

[1654] And what's your name?

[1655] Jennifer Lawrence.

[1656] Oh, good Lord.

[1657] She's hot in that movie.

[1658] Yeah, that was a good play.

[1659] What a good kid.

[1660] She is.

[1661] Huh?

[1662] What a good kid.

[1663] A good kid.

[1664] Oh, good's coming out of that leak.

[1665] I don't have any problem with that.

[1666] It's a beautiful girl.

[1667] But yeah, I mean, that's one of the rare movies that he's done over the last few years.

[1668] that was actually good.

[1669] But that's what happens, man. That's a weird world.

[1670] You know, that world of the aging, older actor guy who used to be the iconic movie.

[1671] There he is.

[1672] Yeah, he played some fucking...

[1673] God, I forgot about that.

[1674] That's right.

[1675] That's right.

[1676] He was good in it, too.

[1677] It was scary.

[1678] He was legitimately scary.

[1679] You give him a good role.

[1680] He could still knock it out of the park.

[1681] Oh, yeah.

[1682] Yeah, he's enacted at a bar.

[1683] Yeah.

[1684] It's just, I guess it's like not that many good roles for a guy like that.

[1685] Or, you know, they go, hey, we got this movie.

[1686] It's independent.

[1687] Stop, click.

[1688] That's right.

[1689] Yeah, he's like, listen.

[1690] Yeah, Andy, my ass.

[1691] Yeah, it's not.

[1692] I'm denaro, for Christa.

[1693] I got a mortgage.

[1694] But you mentioned, it's funny, that's an interesting thing about real successful, famous actors, and they get older.

[1695] There's a movie right now, right, with Michael Keaton.

[1696] Yeah, yeah.

[1697] About that very thing.

[1698] Did you see that?

[1699] Did you see Birdman?

[1700] Not yet.

[1701] I heard it's really good.

[1702] Is it good?

[1703] Find out what that has on IMDBA fucking shit back.

[1704] Review website.

[1705] Those guys, man, they get to a certain age It's like there's not a lot of roles And women, it's way worse Because women aren't even scary 8 .7.

[1706] 8 .7, damn.

[1707] Birdman, respect.

[1708] Yeah, like a woman like Fade Donnelly They get to a certain age, good fucking luck I know.

[1709] That's true.

[1710] Definitely double standard.

[1711] Yeah, especially if it's money, you know, it's like a big money movie.

[1712] Like the, you know, she was a major league movie star probably making ridiculous amounts of money in her day and then you get to a certain age like hey we got nothing for you you know you like robin williams was talking about that before he died he was talking about why he went back to television they were saying you know he's like there's no money like you know he was in his 60s and people were coming to him with these roles that you know weren't that interesting or if they were interesting was an independent movie there's no money involved and then he started doing stand -up again remember he did a special yeah but stand -up's one of those things you can't fucking take a decade off and then get back in the saddle.

[1713] You can't take a week off.

[1714] Exactly.

[1715] Isn't it weird like that?

[1716] Absolutely.

[1717] It's, you know, it's a muscle stand -up.

[1718] It atrophies very quickly if you're not out there chopping away at it.

[1719] Yeah, I remember I got knee surgery once and I take a few weeks off.

[1720] It took like three weeks off.

[1721] I had my ACL reconstructed and I went back on stage and I was nervous as fuck.

[1722] I was like, whoa.

[1723] Isn't that weird?

[1724] That's how you know it's still a scary thing to do for a living?

[1725] Because when you've been doing it 26, 27 years, and you're still a little nervous, that's when you know, this is still fucking kind of a creepy thing that takes balls.

[1726] You know what I mean?

[1727] Especially for me, when it gets nervous, racking is like right now because I just released a special, so after I release a special.

[1728] I know what you're talking about?

[1729] Put it away.

[1730] It's all gone.

[1731] I know.

[1732] New shit now.

[1733] That's where you're at now too, right?

[1734] Absolutely.

[1735] Terrified.

[1736] And I don't live in the city.

[1737] I live 40 miles north of New York City now.

[1738] Yeah.

[1739] I got to drive in.

[1740] And it's a fucking, 80 miles a night.

[1741] It's a real pain in the ball.

[1742] It's 11 degrees out.

[1743] I'm laying on my couch, I can eat in a slice of peach and I get 11 -10 at the cellar.

[1744] And you've got to do three sets.

[1745] No, I don't do those anymore?

[1746] Well, you know what I do?

[1747] I go to the stand, this other club, and I do a full half hour.

[1748] They let me do a full half hour so I can get something done.

[1749] And it really came in handy when I did this another census killing at nickdip .com.

[1750] Is that for me?

[1751] Yeah, that's for you.

[1752] Oh, that's fine.

[1753] And I heard the stand is one of the best.

[1754] I'm handing a billion.

[1755] You know, it's an, it's an intimate little, it's a small spot.

[1756] Some nights, it's got a really fee -fi feel to it.

[1757] It's almost like, you know, you don't, a little, anything, a little off -color, and they're like, ugh.

[1758] Nick gets so angry.

[1759] He'll say some hateful, mean shit.

[1760] Like, go out of your fucking liberals.

[1761] Yeah, well, that's true.

[1762] Well, yeah, no, there's nights where I'm absolutely wrong, but, but there's, but you got to admit, even Chris Rock said.

[1763] Oh, really?

[1764] No, he did a whole article how it's not even fun anymore.

[1765] The kids are so PC and they get fucking bent that.

[1766] And this is coming from a black guy.

[1767] You think he's going to get in trouble saying anything?

[1768] Give me a fucking break.

[1769] Colleges.

[1770] He was talking about colleges.

[1771] Colleges, too.

[1772] I stopped doing those a long time ago.

[1773] Joe, my second year in the business, I stopped doing colleges.

[1774] Barry Katz sent me to Clark University, which is in Worcester.

[1775] It's even liberal for Massachusetts school.

[1776] Really?

[1777] Yeah.

[1778] And I did some stuff about Middle Eastern or something.

[1779] Some kid goes, what are you going to do abortion next?

[1780] So I just winged a much of hateful abortion shit.

[1781] And it's the only time I got off early in my life.

[1782] They fucking hated me. That was like Honestly God That was like 1991 Three years after I started I've done a handful since Now when you do them They'll do them if they request me And they know what I'm coming I did one upstate A couple of years ago Upstate New York And it was surprisingly They were open to anything I was saying Yeah because they live in the bonies You need to go to a shitty school That's what you need to go That's actually a good point Yeah if you go to Harvard you're fucked Oh fuck I did MIT When we first started Yeah But I had TV clean shit and they liked it TV clean.

[1783] Yeah.

[1784] I wasn't saying anything and they liked it.

[1785] Well Nick and I came up in the time just after Stephen Wright had made it was this big scramble.

[1786] It's like that movie stand -up when stand -up stood out.

[1787] That's right.

[1788] It's Franz Salamita movie?

[1789] Great fucking movie, right?

[1790] It's all about the Boston scene and it sort of really accentuates what happened in those days because Stephen Wright was such a rare talent that he came along and there was all these guys that had been around before him that we're just doing it to be funny.

[1791] And it was pure.

[1792] Like, there was no going anywhere.

[1793] Like, those guys were national level headliners.

[1794] Like, Sweeney, Knox, Gavin, Gavin, you know.

[1795] Kenny Rodney Clark, all those guys.

[1796] Mike Donovan, national level headlines.

[1797] Yes.

[1798] But they'd ever went anywhere.

[1799] They all stayed in town because all they were trying to do is make each other laugh and, like, get the respect of each other and kill the crowds.

[1800] but this fucking guy Stephen Wright came along and his act was so unique and so weird that he got on television and all of a sudden he's his national huge superstar and so everybody kind of became like squeaky clean like TV guy and that's we came in right when that was happened you were like a little bit ahead of me and right right when we came in we were like why is everybody so why come we can't be you can't swear like what's well I don't remember Sweeney of doing that do you think Sweeney did it no he just stayed himself he didn't budge yeah he's like nah not not doing it He was already a huge star in Boston.

[1801] In Boston.

[1802] But that's a good point.

[1803] Stephen Wright, because the guy from the Tonight Show just happened to be in Boston.

[1804] This is all part of that movie when stand -up stood out.

[1805] The guy that books the comedians for the Tonight Show back in the 70s when Carson was hosting and it was the thing to do.

[1806] He was in town looking at schools for his daughter and he saw the Ding Ho ad in the paper and he went to the Dingho.

[1807] That was where the first comedy club, that Chinese restaurant.

[1808] Remember?

[1809] And so he said, I want to go, I'm coming there tomorrow.

[1810] so they made up a lineup and almost every comic in Boston went and Stephen Wright was in the mix and he's the only one that didn't do that well when the show was over all the comics went up to meet the guy they were trying to shake hands with him and and Stephen Wright just left because he did so bad that's what he says in the in the movie and he's the one who got the call wow well he was so unique yes that fucking act man I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park anywhere and near the place.

[1811] Isn't that pot material?

[1812] When I hear stuff, I'm like, that has to be weed material.

[1813] Headberg is the best weed material guy of all time.

[1814] Do you know he lived next to me?

[1815] When I moved, when I was in L .A., I moved a couple times.

[1816] I moved to Sierra Benita here in West Hollywood.

[1817] Oh, yeah.

[1818] And I move into the shitty building, and the guy goes, and this is before anybody who knew Mitch was or he goes, you're a comedian.

[1819] And I go, yeah, he goes, well, there's a stand -up comedian that lives right next to you.

[1820] And I go, what's his name?

[1821] He goes, I don't know, Mitch something or whatever.

[1822] and I'm like, I know I never fucking heard of them.

[1823] And then, you know, about what I'd say, a month and a half later, two months later, I'm watching TV.

[1824] I was on the road somewhere, and my neighbor's on the, on Lighterman.

[1825] And I go, this guy's as funny as anybody I've ever fucking heard of my life.

[1826] This guy lives next to me. And then he did a joke about me because I used to bang on his wall.

[1827] That's hilarious.

[1828] He used to play guitar or his white or his girlfriend did.

[1829] They used to have these sing -alongs and shit, and I'd bang on the wall.

[1830] I'd shut the fuck up.

[1831] And, and, uh, and, um, Lynn Shawcroft.

[1832] Yeah.

[1833] And so Zoe from the improv came up to...

[1834] Yeah, she was in New York one night.

[1835] She goes, she was there to help Mitch put his...

[1836] She goes, you know, he has a bit.

[1837] It says DePaolo on the napkin.

[1838] It says DePaolo on the napkin.

[1839] And that's the bit about me banging on the wall.

[1840] And he goes, there's no door -in -up.

[1841] Come around.

[1842] There's something about the door opening or the wall opening.

[1843] And I love that guy.

[1844] He's banging on the wall.

[1845] There's no door -off.

[1846] I'm trying to watch a football game.

[1847] And then they're doing sing -alongs.

[1848] Oh, that's a lot.

[1849] hilarious and uh i felt so bad we i got him i remember leaving him a case of heineken or something oh that's cool that's funny man but that broke my heart he was a guy he was a guy that got a development deal like great stand -up right killer stand -up but then they wanted to put him on tv and put him in the movies and shit and it just it wasn't his thing his thing was doing what he was doing but that's the weird thing about hollywood and stand -ups is like they take a stand -up they go man that you what you need to do is you need to host a fucking talk show and Like, what are you having a talk show host?

[1850] And they'll give a stand -up a talk show or give a stand -up a sitcom and give him some fucking canned lines.

[1851] You're absolutely right, man. But he did it for a little while and then was like, fuck this.

[1852] Took his development deal money, bought a cabin in Big Bear.

[1853] Is that what he did?

[1854] I didn't know that.

[1855] He lived in fucking Big Bear, man. He lived way out.

[1856] Really?

[1857] Yeah.

[1858] Lane still lives there, I think.

[1859] Well, they still own it, right?

[1860] She still owns it.

[1861] And, yeah, he had a cool fucking cabin.

[1862] He would just go to the mountains and hang out.

[1863] You know, I was like, ooh, I like that guy.

[1864] I live in the woods.

[1865] I just love that.

[1866] That seems like comics we like to do that.

[1867] I lived in the woods for a while when I lived in Colorado.

[1868] I didn't live in Colorado.

[1869] Yeah, my dog got eaten by a mountain line.

[1870] My wife got pregnant.

[1871] The mountain line, I could have anything to do with each other.

[1872] No, I could have killed the mountain line and we would have been fine.

[1873] I could have set that little fucker up.

[1874] But I ate my dog, man. But my wife getting pregnant.

[1875] We were at 8 ,500 feet above Boulder, like 3 ,000 feet above Boulder.

[1876] And it was really thin air.

[1877] And if you're pregnant up there.

[1878] That's going to be tough.

[1879] Morning sickness is brutal.

[1880] It was like she had the flu every day, so we had to get out of it.

[1881] And she didn't know how to drive in snow.

[1882] Well, which one was it, Joe?

[1883] It was all the above.

[1884] It was everything.

[1885] We were isolated, man. We were in the fucking woods.

[1886] And one of our neighbors got his car eaten by a bear.

[1887] And when I say eaten, I mean, they ate the fucking car.

[1888] Black bear.

[1889] No, bears, when they smell leather seats, they don't know that that's not food.

[1890] So the bear, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1891] The bear got in.

[1892] I bet I could find it I bet I could find pictures of it This is fascinating Hold on bear I get cloth seats Car My car is fine I know Colorado Because I saw the pictures Online I was like You gotta be Fucking kidding Bear scared the shit out of me I'd rather get eaten by a shark Or whatever The bear thing To me Yeah I went Ever since Legends of the fall I can't say I like eating bears I like They good They get them Any more coyote Problems Joe With your chickens I get coyote You got chickens?

[1893] Yeah, I got 24.

[1894] I used to have 24 chickens.

[1895] Have you ever met a guy like this?

[1896] Fucking does acid and raises chickens and fucking kung fu expert.

[1897] Fucking crazy motherfucker.

[1898] I like experiences, Nick DePaul.

[1899] I know you do.

[1900] I'm just saying.

[1901] So anyway, this fucking bear in our neighborhood broke into this car and just ate it.

[1902] I mean fucking ate the car.

[1903] Ate the seats, ate the dashboard.

[1904] I'm trying to find the images.

[1905] I can't fucking find them online.

[1906] I should have booked me. marked it.

[1907] It's the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen.

[1908] Because I would have think that a bear would...

[1909] What's that?

[1910] What's that?

[1911] What's that?

[1912] Holy Jesus!

[1913] It fell off of a trampoline and lay...

[1914] They shot it.

[1915] They tranquilized it and it fell out of the tree.

[1916] No. Yeah, landed on trampoline so it just started bouncing.

[1917] Yeah.

[1918] Get the fuck out of here.

[1919] That's...

[1920] I saw it.

[1921] Really?

[1922] Yeah.

[1923] Is there a video?

[1924] Yeah.

[1925] It'll probably get us pulled from YouTube.

[1926] Really?

[1927] Yeah.

[1928] Yeah, there's people that own those videos.

[1929] They make money off the ads.

[1930] so if you play them on a podcast they put you a copyright thing really yeah it's a pain in the dick man is a real pain anyway this fucking bear just absolutely completely mauled this guy's car and my wife is freaking out about that too because the fact that these fucking giant animals and they weren't even that big they were um they were black bears yeah that's what is that one that did it what was it a salmon and terrier is this another uh it happens all the time because of people in national parks leaving, like, sandwiches in their cars and stuff.

[1931] Period blood.

[1932] Period blood.

[1933] Bears are so fucking powerful.

[1934] When we went bear hunting, I was with my friend Cameron Haynes, and we were on the ground, maybe 20 feet, or 20 yards, rather, in front of these fucking two bears that were fighting.

[1935] Yeah, that's, I wouldn't do that.

[1936] It was the craziest shit ever.

[1937] It was like watching a UFC with bears.

[1938] It was a male bear trying to get to the female in her cubs.

[1939] The cubs, when they see a male bear, they run up trees.

[1940] Male bears eat cubs.

[1941] It's one of the first things.

[1942] Well, yeah, and you don't want to be anywhere near a female bear in a cubs.

[1943] Exactly.

[1944] They'll kill anything.

[1945] Exactly.

[1946] What were you doing there?

[1947] Well, we couldn't move once we were there.

[1948] The last thing you want to do is run.

[1949] Right.

[1950] You don't even want to back up.

[1951] No. Lay down.

[1952] It's a big thing about bears is about...

[1953] Not your dick.

[1954] It's about body language.

[1955] If you back up, you're prey.

[1956] They know, you pray.

[1957] They're dominant.

[1958] So what do you do?

[1959] Give them the finger.

[1960] You have to stand up.

[1961] If bears come near you, you have to stand up and actually move towards...

[1962] You don't lay down?

[1963] You have to move towards it.

[1964] You don't play dead?

[1965] You have to get up and go like this.

[1966] Yeah.

[1967] And they go like that.

[1968] Are you going to do that, really?

[1969] We did.

[1970] You have to.

[1971] If you don't do it, you get fucking eaten.

[1972] And I'm not bullshitting.

[1973] They ate a kid in Rutgers just a few months ago.

[1974] I know, the Indian kid.

[1975] And then I made a joke about a bear shit in the woods.

[1976] Well, he does now.

[1977] He ate Indian.

[1978] Oh, how dare you?

[1979] Spicy curry.

[1980] That kid took pictures, too.

[1981] You saw the pictures?

[1982] Yep, yep.

[1983] People like to take selfies with bears.

[1984] That's my worst nightmare.

[1985] I'd rather a shock or a crip.

[1986] You know, people have a lot.

[1987] A lot of weird ideas about what bears are.

[1988] They have these ideas that somehow on the bears like these cute little cuddly forest creatures that are eating berries.

[1989] We grew up that way.

[1990] Teddy bears.

[1991] We should not give kids teddy bears.

[1992] That's a good point.

[1993] Yeah, the teddy bears.

[1994] It's so true.

[1995] Well, especially like, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

[1996] Yeah.

[1997] Fucking Cola bears and Coca -Cola bears.

[1998] This is a real fucking Coca -Cola bear.

[1999] That's what they do.

[2000] Those goddamn polar bears, all they eat is meat.

[2001] Everybody's meat.

[2002] Deer or something like that.

[2003] Now, how does he get the blood off his fur?

[2004] He doesn't.

[2005] Go swimming.

[2006] Does he go to the cleaners?

[2007] He dabs it with some soda water.

[2008] He swims.

[2009] Or he just walks around with blood all over his face like a fucking G. He doesn't give a shit.

[2010] He doesn't care what it looks like.

[2011] He's a polar bear.

[2012] I get blood on my coat.

[2013] They are goddamn terrifying animals.

[2014] We played the video.

[2015] Didn't we have the guy that was in that big plastic box, the giant plexiglass?

[2016] Some guy for the BBC sets up this box, this huge bulletproof steel -reinforced box in polar bear country and this giant fucking polar bear comes over and he's trying to get him.

[2017] He's trying to eat the box and he's huge fucking mouth and this guy's inside this box, shit his pants.

[2018] He's shaking the box.

[2019] You realize how strong those fucking things are?

[2020] No, that's like I said, I'd rather be in a shark cage.

[2021] Have you ever seen the video?

[2022] I don't think so.

[2023] Play him that video.

[2024] I think it's kind of good.

[2025] Play him on this.

[2026] Can you play it on that Jamie?

[2027] Yeah.

[2028] Jesus You have to see it because it's fucking goddamn terrifying.

[2029] This is many animals out there that are just unbelievably powerful and terrifying and we have these ideas about them based on like cartoons oh yeah and boo boo you know like all the like really scary ones like polar bears oh how about pandas they're vicious too they're vicious yeah koala how about beavers a guy got killed by a fucking beaver this year yeah but that was a vener of disease you can't help yourself like apollo you're a fucking comic to the bone to the bone Is that the bear?

[2030] No, that's a white guy.

[2031] Oh, oh, hey.

[2032] Skip ad, see that button?

[2033] Yeah, click that.

[2034] There goes.

[2035] Look at this.

[2036] This fucking guy in this thing.

[2037] And Brian, what is the name of this if folks want to watch it?

[2038] Dumb fuck.

[2039] It's called Starving Polar Bear BBC.

[2040] We'll bring it up.

[2041] Oh, God.

[2042] So this jackass decides he's going to sit in this big glass and bulletproof glass and steel box.

[2043] and this bear just goes right to him no fear endormous animal probably fucking you know 1 ,300 1400 pounds the size is fucker yeah that's uh oh god damn this freaks me out look at the cute little face and then he's gonna bite your head up no just holy jesus well you don't even know wait until he gets up there he's just smelling it right now he knows there's meat inside there so he starts getting really close and then he starts trying to bite it look at this this is where it gets really crazy he starts pushing it and this guy's tightening down the latches let me make sure yeah good time to tighten the meanwhile I want to know how they even tested look at the size of that fucking you gotta be shit me how did they even test this thing it's trying to get him I mean it is trying to open that thing up and get him this guy one of the only animals that actually see us as food yeah I always I would want a gun.

[2044] I wonder if he's got a gun in there.

[2045] Yeah, you have to have some kind of backup, right, just in case if it does happen.

[2046] I would hope someone who's filming that from a distance has something, like bear spray or something.

[2047] Look at the size.

[2048] Oh, look at him.

[2049] He's clawing at the fucking...

[2050] Look at that.

[2051] Oh, God.

[2052] See the teeth?

[2053] Holy Jesus.

[2054] Yeah, because they're not like...

[2055] Even grizzly bears.

[2056] They'll eat berries and grass, and they'll eat all sorts of plants.

[2057] and then wash it down with human blood.

[2058] Polar bears don't have anything around except meat.

[2059] All they're doing is just eating seals and the occasional hiker.

[2060] Yeah, they creep me out more than anything.

[2061] They should.

[2062] But meanwhile, look at this asshole swimming with one.

[2063] The guy who's got his own pet.

[2064] Look at that fucking jackass.

[2065] And I went to school in Maine.

[2066] They had fences up along the campus to keep the bears off the...

[2067] Really?

[2068] Yeah.

[2069] But those are black bears, right?

[2070] Yeah.

[2071] They're still dangerous.

[2072] Apparently, black bears are more likely to kill people than brown bears, Just brown bears are bigger Oh, you're just being racist Oh, what am I saying?

[2073] Apparently black bears will eat people More often than brown bears will Brown bears are just bigger and strong Really?

[2074] Yeah, brown bears will avoid you apparently More than black bears will But New Jersey especially has a real fucking wild I know I know And I mean, I live in Westchester What's the difference?

[2075] And you, why did you move out to Westchester?

[2076] What made you want to live out there?

[2077] Honest to God No tunnels, no bridges on the way into the city.

[2078] That is nice.

[2079] But the property taxes are through the roof, and it's...

[2080] But I love it.

[2081] I love it.

[2082] Oh, yeah, it's the worst in the country.

[2083] Really?

[2084] One of the worst.

[2085] Oh, yeah.

[2086] We mentioned like five different articles on New York Times.

[2087] But you're in, like, that's...

[2088] What part of Westchester?

[2089] I'm up.

[2090] Without telling anybody, because people will stalk you.

[2091] Up by the, uh, up by, like, Chappaqua area, Briar Cliff.

[2092] I was listening to you on Ari's podcast.

[2093] You were talking about how your neighbor hunts in his fucking backyard.

[2094] Yeah.

[2095] Sometimes he'll look out the window And he'll be like walking through our Dragging a deer Yeah Covering blood and shit Love this guy Love this guy Does he bring over meat?

[2096] He gave me a venison roast for Christmas Really?

[2097] I love this guy Not yet No, a couple days ago They were late exchanging gifts But Oh that's cool I love that shit Oh yeah I mean And we have the same thing I got a small dog And we have coyotes That you know Let the dog out at night You gotta go out and clap and applaud to keep the...

[2098] Really?

[2099] Yeah, to let the coyotes know you there and shit.

[2100] Apparently they say there's like certain like things you could set up that make a sound, a certain sound that coyotes don't like and you set them up and they can keep a lot of the coyotes out.

[2101] But they're smart, those little fuckers.

[2102] They figure shit out.

[2103] They recruited my dog.

[2104] That's how...

[2105] Really?

[2106] Yeah, that's how he got away with killing one of my chickens.

[2107] He became my dog's friend.

[2108] Like, they go around my dog and, you know, they would like play, I guess, like outside the...

[2109] defense.

[2110] My dog would bark at him and wag his tail when he sees him.

[2111] Oh my God.

[2112] Yeah.

[2113] And when he killed a chicken and ran off with, my dog killed a chicken too.

[2114] My dog had broken into the side of my yard where the coyote was.

[2115] Somebody left one of the gates open.

[2116] We have two gates.

[2117] And one of the gates, he could kind of, he could shake it with his paw and he could open it up and he figured it out.

[2118] And so he ran over there to hang out with his pal and going a fucking an orgy of slaughter.

[2119] Was it you or whoever, Bert or whatever, that said something about the coyote limping that was trying to trick.

[2120] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[2121] That was actually not even us.

[2122] That was the Scalar brothers.

[2123] Scalar brothers.

[2124] Yeah, we were all hanging out in the back of the comedy store, and they were telling us that.

[2125] Pete, it was a PDC.

[2126] He parked up in the hill behind the comedy store, which a lot of comics do.

[2127] They park way up in this huge hill because there's like a street that they can park on and then walk down the hill.

[2128] And he said he was getting out of his car, and there was a coyote limping.

[2129] He was like, oh my God, why is this coyote limping?

[2130] And he was just kind of nervous.

[2131] He's like, I'm just going to let this coyote walk by me. And then suddenly, this pack of coyotes just started walking past them.

[2132] Like, so they were doing the exact same thing with the limping thing.

[2133] Yeah, they set it up where they make it look like they're hurt and they like, well, they'll limp.

[2134] That's what Ted Bundy used to do.

[2135] Did he used to get girls?

[2136] Yes.

[2137] He would pretend he was hurt?

[2138] Yes, that's a serial killer's dude.

[2139] They think they have a cast on their arm and they're on crutches.

[2140] Remember in the Ted Bundy?

[2141] I didn't know he did that.

[2142] The girl comes over to help him.

[2143] He's trying to put a couch in the back of a van.

[2144] He's pretending he's got like a cast on his hand.

[2145] The girl comes over.

[2146] Yes.

[2147] That's like a, that's creepy.

[2148] I didn't know.

[2149] I thought that was a human thing.

[2150] I didn't know.

[2151] They're fucking smart.

[2152] I didn't know animals are doing it.

[2153] They fake a limp.

[2154] Yeah, they fake a limp.

[2155] And they'll also become friends with your dog.

[2156] And then like my neighbor, he has like a beagle, like a little beagle.

[2157] And he says every time the coyotes come near his house, the beagle starts wagging its tail.

[2158] He thinks the coyotes is his friend.

[2159] And if they can get the dog outside, then they just maul it and kill it.

[2160] That's creepy.

[2161] I thought it was just they smelled it and fucking attacked it.

[2162] No, they're smart, man. They develop tactics.

[2163] Well, you know, they're similar in a lot of ways to wolves, and wolves have a lot of, like, crazy tricks that they do to get animals.

[2164] Wolves set up ambushes.

[2165] Like, wolves will, they'll funnel, like, elk and deer into, like, a path, and then they'll wait.

[2166] They'll have other wolves waiting.

[2167] I don't know how the fuck they work this out.

[2168] I don't know how they...

[2169] Probably the internet.

[2170] Yeah, right.

[2171] Give me an email that.

[2172] What do they do?

[2173] that lets them figure out that this is a good strategy and how do they know like who's going to be the chaser who's going to be the guy that waits you know how do they coordinate this but I guess when you're fucking starving and the only way you get food is to kill it with your face like you you work shit out and that's pretty street smart it is kind of street smart yeah think of a coyote fake limping I'd never heard that that's unbelievable they have a real problem this one retirement community there's been some insane amount like more than 30 over the last year coyote attacks Because they figured out It's like in Arizona They figured out That old people Are fucking old You know the coyotes Realized This guy's not gonna stop me From eating his dog And so they just run up And snatch dogs Right off the leash They'll literally wait For someone to be walking their dog They'll wait And they'll see the guy With the dog And then just run Run right out of them You think after number 10 or 11 You wouldn't walk your dog In that fucking area Well especially if you live In Arizona Where you can carry a gun Gun You can do whatever you want Exactly.

[2174] Arizona's an open carry state.

[2175] You don't even have to have a concealed carry permit.

[2176] You can do whatever the fuck you want.

[2177] You can keep a gun in your underwear.

[2178] You do whatever you want.

[2179] No helmet and gun on your motorcycle.

[2180] Yeah, no helmet in the motorcycle and gun, yeah.

[2181] Coyotes love the smell of absorbing Jr. Just walk your dog by a motorcycle while you're armed.

[2182] Yeah.

[2183] That's it.

[2184] Just slowly all over the neighborhood.

[2185] Brum.

[2186] Just idle.

[2187] Just start unloading shotgun shells on these fucking cunty wild dogs.

[2188] I really wish we could get a motorcycle I wish we didn't live in L .A. Because it's so tempting to get one.

[2189] What do you mean we?

[2190] Are we riding together?

[2191] We go in tandem?

[2192] What do you got playing?

[2193] You're going to get a side car for you?

[2194] I get one of those goggles on.

[2195] Because there's so many people at the comedy store they're getting new motorcycles lately and it's just so like and it's not that expensive.

[2196] I thought motorcycles were like the price of a car.

[2197] They're not that bad.

[2198] No, it's not bad at all.

[2199] Dean is always a ride in his.

[2200] Yeah.

[2201] I don't trust you.

[2202] El Ray.

[2203] Yeah, that's a fucking dope motorcycle he's got, too, that fat Harley -Davidson.

[2204] That thing's amazing.

[2205] You see his police car one yet?

[2206] He has a police motorcycle.

[2207] Does it really?

[2208] It's like a police motorcycle.

[2209] It's cool.

[2210] Oh, yeah, though, it's kind of like sort of police colors.

[2211] Yeah, with a side car, side bags on it.

[2212] That thing's amazing.

[2213] I asked him about it.

[2214] I go, dude, that thing's amazing.

[2215] I go, do you have close calls?

[2216] He goes all the time.

[2217] Yeah.

[2218] I got kids.

[2219] Well, Louis, when I was living with Louis in New York, right after we moved to to different places, he got a bike and sure enough, man, like, after a, After like three weeks, he was doing like 60 down, you know, by, I don't know, Columbus.

[2220] So it goes, it gets hit going through a fucking intersection.

[2221] Yeah, he got T -boned, right?

[2222] He got T -boned, right?

[2223] He got T -boned.

[2224] I mean, could have been killed.

[2225] Fucking.

[2226] Easily.

[2227] He got hit hard.

[2228] Yeah.

[2229] Flying got knocked out.

[2230] I almost got a bike.

[2231] I was going through the motorcycle training thing and everything.

[2232] I was going with a couple friends of mine, and they wound up getting bikes.

[2233] But two people I know got in some pretty serious accidents.

[2234] A buddy of mine fell.

[2235] He was going through the canyons, and he fell and fell.

[2236] Fucked his shoulder up.

[2237] And then another friend, Frank Meir, was one of the UFC champions.

[2238] You got hit by a fucking car and got launched 60 feet in the air.

[2239] Some old man just ran a red light.

[2240] Burr!

[2241] Just looking hit the gas and shattered his femur.

[2242] That's the thing.

[2243] It's not you.

[2244] He almost lost his leg.

[2245] It's the people.

[2246] The other people driving that you don't trust.

[2247] Exactly.

[2248] Exactly.

[2249] I mean, crashing your bike, if you're going fast, can be fatal for sure.

[2250] But most accidents occur because you're involved with another vehicle.

[2251] you know unless you're driving like a psycho yeah i mean but it's even tempting just to be like you know what i'll just drive around my house my neighborhood you know like i'll just go to the store and step going nothing on the freeway you're gonna go to holly to go pick up a sandwich real it's so fun they are fun i mean you think about it you go to i think about this when i go uh to uh like like like disneyland with my kids and i'll get in these stupid fucking go carts i'm like look you know i got a go car you know i got i got a sports car i can drive fast like this is not that fun for me this is stupid but like a motorcycle like around your neighborhood is just like going on a ride at Disneyland you know if it's fun to go on a ride at Disneyland it's way more fun to be riding around your neighborhood on a motorcycle it'd be really fun just convince yourself don't do it Joe but what's worse is those guys that I think feel the same but they get those like four motorcycle like where it's like a grown man like a white guy with one of those four -wheel motorcycles driving down the street yeah they should be Yeah, you should be off in the woods with that thing Should be in the woods In Tennessee with that thing Fucking checking out your moonshine See if somebody broke into the hut Yeah, running your trap line Yeah Those things get people fucked up You know, those four -year -old Oh yeah, a lot of paralyzed people Didn't Ozzy Osborne break his back Doing one of those?

[2252] They fall over on you The problem with those is It's different than a motorcycle Like if you slide on a motorcycle If you're falling You let the bike slide And you know you get rug rash or a road rash, rather.

[2253] But on those things, a lot of times people wind up getting trapped under them.

[2254] They get crushed.

[2255] They're so goofy looking, too, though, when you see a guy driving down the street in that, though.

[2256] They're real dangerous if you hit a bump.

[2257] If, like, you hit a bump with, like, your left side and, you know, it flips over on top.

[2258] You might get crushed.

[2259] You know, you might get your body cavity caved in.

[2260] Yeah, here's Trell Owens on.

[2261] Yeah, what is he doing?

[2262] He doesn't have a helmet on?

[2263] Jesus Christ.

[2264] What is he crazy?

[2265] That's football injuries.

[2266] God damn head injuries.

[2267] Exactly.

[2268] He's got two wheels in the front and one in the back.

[2269] Those are apparently more stable for some reason.

[2270] I don't understand why.

[2271] What the hell is that?

[2272] That's like one of those things.

[2273] They have two wheels in the front and one on the back.

[2274] I wonder if because it has all those wheels you don't need a helmet?

[2275] Is that?

[2276] Or is that like in a place where you need a helmet?

[2277] You don't need a helmet.

[2278] I don't know.

[2279] A lot of fucking states still don't have helmet laws.

[2280] You know?

[2281] Yeah, it's sunglasses in a lot of place.

[2282] Like, yeah, have to have sunglasses on.

[2283] Which is smart.

[2284] That's the law?

[2285] A bug or a pebble.

[2286] I mean, you know, you have a pebble hit your windshield.

[2287] You're going 50 miles an hour.

[2288] Dean used to always say the worst is when you're behind somebody and somebody flicks a cigarette out and it'll go right in your coat and you're driving and just like you don't know what to do.

[2289] He says that happens all the time.

[2290] It does?

[2291] What the fuck?

[2292] Really?

[2293] Yeah.

[2294] How many times can that happen?

[2295] It happens all the time on the road.

[2296] I see people throw cigarettes out there, the car out here all the time.

[2297] Wendy Leibman used to have a joke about that, remember?

[2298] What was it?

[2299] She goes, I don't throw my cigarettes out of the car window.

[2300] Last time I did it, the car behind me blew up.

[2301] I always think that.

[2302] I didn't say it was the best joke.

[2303] You know, you always think that, though, right?

[2304] You do.

[2305] You get somewhere inside your engine.

[2306] It's going to go in the tank.

[2307] Get in there and fucking lights.

[2308] It's all gasoline and shit.

[2309] Well, not only that, in L .A., you have to be a real asshole to do that, because it only rains once a year here.

[2310] Everything's dry as fuck.

[2311] You can easily start fires.

[2312] They say all those roadside fires.

[2313] They all get started by people flicking cigarettes out the window.

[2314] That's pretty sweet.

[2315] That is pretty dope.

[2316] Like a custom three -wheeler That thing looks amazing It's called car tire in the back It looks like you could The front could be the back And the back could go either way on it Do you know what I mean?

[2317] You could lay down this way It's a bisexual cycle It goes both ways Sure it does It's like corvette -sized tires Look how wide those fucking tires are That seems like that would be You know Not that stable Yeah I mean I guess I mean isn't the idea that you kind of like lean Where do you drive that?

[2318] People drive that shit all through L .A. Like, I see it all the time.

[2319] Is that right?

[2320] Yeah.

[2321] Not this exact one.

[2322] How the fuck's that legal?

[2323] Yeah.

[2324] I don't know.

[2325] I mean, how's a motorcycle legal?

[2326] It's weird, like, motorcycle's illegal, but you have to, you get a ticket if you have no seatbelt on.

[2327] Like, I'm inside a metal box.

[2328] This guy's, he's like sitting on that thing.

[2329] He's sitting, sitting and holding on with his hands.

[2330] You know, you could ride a motorcycle, by the way, if you have one hand.

[2331] How about that?

[2332] How about you have one hand?

[2333] and you're just sitting on it and I have two hands inside a box and I can get a ticket if I don't have a strap around me. That's a good point.

[2334] Another big thing in Burbank is this shit and street legal golf carts.

[2335] What?

[2336] People just drive this shit around in Burbank.

[2337] I see it all the time.

[2338] There's like two or three people just driving down the street in golf carts.

[2339] Boy, they're living life at a breakneck pace, huh?

[2340] What the fuck, really?

[2341] Yeah, and there's a lot that's become popular.

[2342] I think because just the gas mileage, you know.

[2343] Well, they're all legal.

[2344] I mean, electric rather, right?

[2345] They're all electric.

[2346] I don't know.

[2347] Is that the future?

[2348] I see a lot of them.

[2349] Yeah, a lot of those things.

[2350] Electric carts, yeah.

[2351] Well, fuck the spotter all.

[2352] Give me my pickup truck.

[2353] These fucking electric cars they're making now.

[2354] They're slowly starting to get better gas miles or distance.

[2355] Are they under $100 ,000?

[2356] No. They're pretty expensive.

[2357] The Tesla's.

[2358] The good ones.

[2359] I mean, you can get like a Prius, but those are ugly.

[2360] That's what I want to get behind.

[2361] Two broads and a golf cart.

[2362] I'm late for an audition.

[2363] Ugh.

[2364] Yeah, no gears, just a steady buzz and 35 miles an hour when they're pushing it.

[2365] Yeah, they got a new Tesla that goes 400 miles.

[2366] That's like the newest, the latest, greatest one.

[2367] They have an upgrade to their little roadster goes 400 miles.

[2368] But that's still not that long, man. 400 miles on a charge?

[2369] No. Some shit hits the fan.

[2370] Didn't that Tesla guy just get divorced?

[2371] And now he owes, or he's paying the girl like $20 million or something like that?

[2372] Elon Musk?

[2373] I didn't hear that.

[2374] Don't pre -nups work or what?

[2375] Every time I hear about a pre -nup, it never works.

[2376] You could contest them, for sure.

[2377] And a lot of times when people contest pre -nups or any kind of lawsuit, people settle.

[2378] Because it took costs like...

[2379] Yeah, because at a legal...

[2380] Like the UFC right now has a...

[2381] Elon must divorce makes him most eligible again.

[2382] Oh, shit.

[2383] She got divorced.

[2384] And she received 16 million...

[2385] Yeah, she deserved it, though, because she helped with that company.

[2386] And she was sucking that sweet $16 million dick.

[2387] Joe, that's sex That's misogynist stuff I didn't know I was raised in the 60s I didn't know any better I don't know any better When I grew up My formative years All occurred before the internet And social justice I didn't know Fucking social justice I was raised on James Cagney movies I don't know any better And I wish I could sink you like a second Well You know the thing about those Fucking electric cars is You got to get those goddamn batteries from somewhere and all that shit from those batteries, a lot of it comes from, like what they call conflict minerals.

[2388] It comes from Africa.

[2389] It comes from, like, they have fucking slaves pulling it out of the ground.

[2390] Like, that's the big dirty secret about cell phones.

[2391] Lithium ion batteries, a lot of that shit comes from either Africa or a big supply they found recently in Afghanistan.

[2392] Like, they're going to be sending you fucking people to mine that shit.

[2393] I know there's a lot of chemicals over there.

[2394] Yeah, a lot of shit in the ground minerals.

[2395] A lot of minerals, a lot of natural gas.

[2396] Yet no roads, no toilets.

[2397] Yeah, and you know what they say also in places where electricity is made by coal, it actually is worse for the environment to get your electricity to power a car and then use it with a coal -fired electrical plant than it is to just burn gas.

[2398] Because the gas they have now, like if you have certain, what is that, John Jones?

[2399] What, it has a gas?

[2400] No. What?

[2401] He tests positive for cocaine.

[2402] Inners rehab.

[2403] No. way did that just happen just happened no no john jones test positive for cocaine enters rehab oh my goodness dude now wait a minute hold on when you do cut i was just going to ask you that okay that was the next question i don't think that stays in your system very long 30 days 20 days really something like that's very short is it that long i thought it was like 30 hours or something crazy like that maybe i'm thinking 30 hours but yeah i don't know whoa that that That's fucked.

[2404] Especially after a fight like that.

[2405] I wonder if he loses his title.

[2406] Quote from Dana, I am proud of John Jones for making the decision to enter a drug retreatment facility.

[2407] He stated, I'm confident that he'll emerge from this program like the champion he truly is.

[2408] Okay.

[2409] That's a good thing to say.

[2410] I like to talk to him on the phone.

[2411] Find out what he really thinks.

[2412] He had two hookers.

[2413] We're going to have an interesting conversation that I can't talk to you people about.

[2414] That's exactly right.

[2415] I mean, that's great.

[2416] Maybe he celebrated the big victory.

[2417] No, I'm hoping.

[2418] No, no way.

[2419] No?

[2420] No way.

[2421] Because they test them after the fight, like right after the fight.

[2422] They test them before the fight or right after.

[2423] Oh, right after?

[2424] December drug test, it says.

[2425] Oh, okay.

[2426] And then he put the rest in my coat.

[2427] So is that title.

[2428] Yeah, I wonder what happens.

[2429] That title is going to be, you know what?

[2430] Gonzo.

[2431] I don't know about that because he won.

[2432] I mean, it's probably a non -decision.

[2433] Like, it's probably like somehow, I don't know about that.

[2434] They've got to vacate the belt, man. Yeah.

[2435] Yeah, that cocaine, you can't be fighting on cocaine.

[2436] Here's how you fix this, so you have a rematch amount where they're both coked up.

[2437] Yeah.

[2438] It's pretty amazing that he was doing blow and he still won.

[2439] How about that?

[2440] How about that?

[2441] He's a bad ass, huh, John?

[2442] Oh, he's the most badass ever.

[2443] Test positive for cocaine metabolites.

[2444] How about his brother with the Patriots?

[2445] Best pass russia they have.

[2446] Yeah, it's amazing.

[2447] They're a couple of tough mothers.

[2448] His fucking family developed some stud athletes.

[2449] Did they ever?

[2450] this is uh this is really strange man that just happened huh this is cool being with uh rogan when the news breaks you're great at that you i'm not kissing your ass be really oh thanks i was watching like a year ago and there was some guy getting the shit kicked out of him and you go um yeah but the guy's getting a little cocky i don't know who was winning the fight he goes he's getting a little too cocky and you didn't even 10 seconds after that he got the guy got knocked out it happens yeah wow this is crazy this is really crazy um nevada state commission follows the world anti -doping agency code and um hmm this he tested positive for benzozylic yeah go nine the main metabolite in cocaine that's the stuff i use so by saying that's a metabolite in cocaine it means what you're talking about like really trace shit really trace shit and he's already gotten busted in a DUI what do you mean really trace Joe small very very small amount minimal amounts look at this fucking picture let me tell you Tyro Biggams with John Jones body oh shit it's begun it starts wow yeah trace amounts of cocaine I mean he could have just licked a CD an old CD or something yeah you could have had some money like an old CD Yeah, you could have some They said like an X amount of percentage of like $100 bills have Yeah, have cocaine on them When I worked at a record store We would get people would come in to sell their CDs And I just remember I would pick out once And it was just white dust over And I'd like, all right, we'll buy this one And you would lick them in the back room That's hilarious We would scrape them together And we didn't know what we were doing We were just like, dude, it has to be cocaine What other white shit would be on a CD?

[2451] Al -Qaeda Yeah, Al -Qaeda.

[2452] Wow.

[2453] Yeah, maybe they would get, like, people that are, like, blondey fans.

[2454] They wanted to die.

[2455] They would just sell them.

[2456] She's showing tits in her video.

[2457] Rapture.

[2458] Wow, I am proud that Mr. Jones is addressing the issue.

[2459] Okay.

[2460] That's too bad, man. Yeah.

[2461] Well, he got tested December 4th.

[2462] Okay, that's almost a month.

[2463] Before?

[2464] Yeah.

[2465] With the support of my family, I've entered to a drug treatment facility.

[2466] I want to apologize to my fiancé, my children, as well, my mother, father, my brother's for making a mistake that I made.

[2467] I also want to apologize to EOC.

[2468] My coaches, my sponsors, equally important my fans.

[2469] I am taking this treatment program very seriously.

[2470] Therefore, at this time, my family and I would appreciate privacy.

[2471] I bet you would.

[2472] Well, you know what, man?

[2473] The dude is having a good fucking time.

[2474] That's what's going on.

[2475] He's the baddest motherfucker on the planet.

[2476] He's partying up a storm.

[2477] Like someone said something to me, like, you know, all this crazy behavior and all this wild shit that he's doing.

[2478] And I was like, listen, you've got to be a wild motherfucker to be the baddest dude on the planet.

[2479] You really do.

[2480] And John Jones, essentially, when it comes to MMA, is the baddest motherfucker on the planet.

[2481] I mean, he just beat Daniel Cormier, who was a Strike Force Grand Prix champion, who trains on a regular basis, holds his own with the heavyweight champion, Kane Velasquez.

[2482] He said, you know, in a heartbeat, he would fight the heavyweight champion.

[2483] And he might be able to beat him, man. Who the fuck knows?

[2484] I mean, he might be a better fighter if he wasn't losing weight to get down to 205 and doing coke.

[2485] Well, two to four days is what is the last in the system, Joe?

[2486] Okay, so that means.

[2487] That's it?

[2488] So if we look at his, if we look at John Jones Twitter on December 1st or November 29th, we'll see exactly where he's like, you know, hanging out.

[2489] Where he was?

[2490] On the boat.

[2491] Where was it?

[2492] Look at the cop over there.

[2493] This fucking very clever.

[2494] Jesus Christ.

[2495] Take it easy there.

[2496] Colombo.

[2497] Yeah, thank you.

[2498] I was going to go Quincy.

[2499] You and I just outdated each other.

[2500] Might as well have said Sherlock Holmes.

[2501] Charlie Chan.

[2502] Nancy Drew.

[2503] That's a Hardy Boys.

[2504] Oh, my God.

[2505] All the references.

[2506] I was trying to think of a goddamn detective.

[2507] Can you imagine?

[2508] It really is fucking sad, Joe.

[2509] Okay, let's go to John Jones's Twitter page.

[2510] Okay, let's find John Jones.

[2511] Cut to him with his face and a pair of stripper did.

[2512] Yeah, Jones.

[2513] All right, what do you think?

[2514] How far back you got to go?

[2515] So December, wait, the test was December 4th.

[2516] Is that what it said?

[2517] So I would say I would go December 2nd or 1st.

[2518] I would try that.

[2519] Let's go deep.

[2520] Let's go deep into the honey hole.

[2521] All right, December 20.

[2522] Tuts a lot.

[2523] He just got back from Brazil.

[2524] Game over.

[2525] Is that serious?

[2526] It says, by Brazil.

[2527] This guy just figured the whole thing up.

[2528] Oh, man. It's creepy, Brian.

[2529] Yeah.

[2530] Holy shit That's how it happened Yeah And you know Because it's trace amounts I will bet you That it was probably something That's common That he maybe he went to a restaurant And they had like a coca leaf Or there was some kind of weird Like thing Well I'm gonna throw another theory Did it?

[2531] How about when I call me his people Was over there And sprinkled in his shit Yeah right No Well November 30th That's real Italian Genentee So he got tested On November 4th So he has Four day December 4th rather.

[2532] So he has four days for it to get out of the system?

[2533] Yeah, about four days.

[2534] That's it?

[2535] I'm going to start doing that shit again.

[2536] Yeah, I didn't know that either.

[2537] It looks like Brazil's the most likely culprit.

[2538] Absolutely.

[2539] Boy, you guys put that together really quickly.

[2540] Yeah, here's the actual quote.

[2541] He says, Bye, Brazil.

[2542] Thank you so much for the great time.

[2543] Now, back to the boot camp, and that was November 30th.

[2544] And there's a trail of blood going up the plane stuff on his nose.

[2545] That's 100 % what it is.

[2546] The little sprinkles on his Reeboks.

[2547] Wow.

[2548] Why lace is bloody?

[2549] What?

[2550] Wow.

[2551] I feel like they get to fight with him when he's coked up.

[2552] How about the fact that he was partying and doing blow and he still beat the best guy on the planet?

[2553] Brazil, man. You're hanging out with that kind of butt.

[2554] You're doing cocaine off of it, you know?

[2555] That's some hot chicks out there.

[2556] Yeah, having a good time.

[2557] You got to be a wild motherfucker, man. Joe, that's why I don't frequent those places anymore.

[2558] Yeah.

[2559] Brazil or cocaine in places?

[2560] You never been in Brazil?

[2561] Beautiful place, man. But the contrast between poverty and wealth is very shocking.

[2562] They're like right next to, right?

[2563] Well, not only that, you know all the Hollywood hills, all the rich people live in the hills?

[2564] Yeah.

[2565] And there are regular folks who live down there.

[2566] It's the opposite.

[2567] In Brazil, all the poor people live in the hills with this amazing view of the ocean.

[2568] And then all the rich people live down on the bottom.

[2569] Yeah.

[2570] So, like, they would have problems.

[2571] cleaned up a lot of it, but they'd have problems in the, people would leave the favelas and rob people and then go back to the favelas.

[2572] You know, the favelas, like, there's some, like, extreme poverty.

[2573] And they were really mad.

[2574] Well, yeah, they had the most, like, the worst homes population on the planet a few years ago.

[2575] Yeah, it's, it can get bad in some spots.

[2576] But it's also, like, they're really nice people.

[2577] Like, Brazil is fun, man. I really love Brazil.

[2578] Patrice used to go there.

[2579] The food is fantastic.

[2580] They have those chuhasas, you know, where they have the Brazilian barbecue.

[2581] It's like some of the meat.

[2582] It's a man. It's a They cut the...

[2583] If they have it here, you ever go to the photo chow?

[2584] Yeah, me and Patrice, late -great Patrice -O -Neill used to go.

[2585] We were doing shorties watching shorties.

[2586] And he brought me to that place.

[2587] So good.

[2588] I go, dude.

[2589] And this is when he knew he had like...

[2590] I'm like, what are you doing, man?

[2591] The guy's coming on and cutting.

[2592] Yeah, he didn't give a fuck.

[2593] He just ate.

[2594] Just ate and fucked up his body.

[2595] But in Brazil, they got real mad because they spent so much money on the fucking World Cup.

[2596] Millions and millions and millions of dollars to make these fucking stadiums and bring all these people in.

[2597] all the poverty, right?

[2598] I'm like, what the fuck where are you guys getting this money, you assholes?

[2599] You could have been, you know, putting these kids through school and giving people food and it's a mess, it's a mess.

[2600] Cocaine is legal in Brazil also, isn't it?

[2601] It is?

[2602] Not banning competition.

[2603] Not banning competition.

[2604] In Brazil?

[2605] Oh, no, he's saying in UFC it's not banned.

[2606] Oh, it isn't?

[2607] Oh, okay, the metabolites are not banned.

[2608] That's what it is.

[2609] The metabolite, it's not illegal.

[2610] It's like, if you have marijuana of metabolites in your system, like, now it's legal.

[2611] Like, there's a certain amount of metabolites you're allowed to have.

[2612] They changed it by, like, a large number.

[2613] It used to be, it was like, you could have, like, a trace amount of marijuana in your system, and they could take your money away and find you and take your victory away.

[2614] Like, that's happened before.

[2615] Like, with Nick Diaz, it happened.

[2616] But now, now you could have quite a bit more, as long as you're not high when you're fighting.

[2617] That's what they want now.

[2618] They think, think you should be allowed to smoke pot to relax.

[2619] after training and all that shit but marijuana stays in your system because it's fat soluble way longer like seven weeks whereas with Coke it's like you know a couple fucking days I didn't tell you my marijuana story when I came home from a dance club one night it's right after it was before I started doing comedy I was living in Malden Granada Highlands up on the hill there those nice apartments I come home from the palace My palace and sagas Yes we lived like a half a mile from it Okay I come home my buddies all went out I come home shit -faced is a thing of tomato sauce.

[2620] You know, it's like one in the morning and I'm starving.

[2621] I make spaghetti.

[2622] I eat enough for like five people, okay?

[2623] I wake up like an hour later and my ears are ringing and the room's going like this.

[2624] I start fucking puking violently.

[2625] I hear my buddies come in.

[2626] I'm in the bathroom.

[2627] I hear them going to the kitchen.

[2628] They go, he ate all the fuck.

[2629] They made rasta pasta.

[2630] Oh, no. And they ate this much of it.

[2631] They said they ate like, you know, a tiny, amount they were fucked up all night and this is a guy who I only get high at that point a couple times of my life now my roommate's talking to me right he's right where you are he's like five feet away but it sounds like he's yelling from a mile away I was tripping on the fucking they were gonna take me they didn't know if they should take me the hospital I'm fucking puking I'm swearing at him and and and and honest about it was a week later I remember watching the Super Bowl and still being fucked up I don't I don't because it's so much like you just said when you when you ingested orally It's way stronger.

[2632] And it literally is in my system for, I don't know how long.

[2633] I mean, you know you can look it up.

[2634] But I, and this is from somebody who didn't, I didn't smoke a lot of weed.

[2635] That's crazy.

[2636] A week later?

[2637] Oh, at least a week later.

[2638] No, at least.

[2639] I'm probably being conservative with that.

[2640] Because it stays in, if you saw how much I ate, you know, if you saw how much tomato sauce.

[2641] That's so crazy.

[2642] Such a grease ball.

[2643] And they were like, they were fucked up all night with like this much.

[2644] And they were like, oh, no. You're making the fingers like a hockey puck.

[2645] Yeah, I forget I'm not on TV here.

[2646] About half the size of a hockey bag.

[2647] And I was sitting there like, you know.

[2648] Oh, God.

[2649] And my ears were ringing and they would, like I said, my roommate's like that close to me. And it sounded like he was yelling down a hallway.

[2650] I was tripping on its fucking THC or whatever it is.

[2651] Yeah, it's 11 hydroxy metabolite is what happens when you, the THC passes through the liver in which they think was most of the way people used to eat, well, they used to take half.

[2652] and eat it back in the day and that's like responsible for like a lot of the psychedelic writing and the the Rig Veda and all the Hindu scriptures a lot of that was written while they were on eating marijuana eating cannabis yeah it's like it's very psychedelic when you eat a lot of it you trip your fucking balls off it's not like smoking pot you can smoke a lot of pot you just get really high but when you eat it oh it does crazy things yeah I was a fuck a mess I didn't feel right forever when you close your eyes you see nutty shit like hallucinate I don't remember that I do remember the voices though Well no Somebody talking to me being that close And it sounded like they were yelling down a hallway It was freaking me out I'm not a drug guy A little blow like anybody else Your whole system must have been so fucked up That's so much Like I get scared hearing people talk about stuff like that Like I start getting nervous My hands are sweaty right now Well yeah that's what I'm saying What's the stuff you do?

[2653] I want to hear more about this Dymethylopetamine The thing about DMT is is it leaves your body really quick.

[2654] Like 15 minutes later, it's gone.

[2655] But how long are you on that high?

[2656] Well, you're sober in 15 minutes.

[2657] Really?

[2658] I might try the shit tonight.

[2659] It breaks your brain forever, though.

[2660] No, it doesn't.

[2661] It does it.

[2662] He doesn't ever done it, and his brain's broken, so don't listen to him.

[2663] I know.

[2664] Joe seems pretty, he's expanded his horizons.

[2665] Trust me, you'll be fine.

[2666] I heard you're talking about it.

[2667] Like, one of your specials, you were taking questions, and answers after.

[2668] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2669] And you just explain the shit.

[2670] I was in my car listening on the radio.

[2671] I was coming home from a gig.

[2672] And I go, holy shit.

[2673] I almost want to try this stuff.

[2674] Well, it's a good thing to try in that.

[2675] It's over quick.

[2676] Fuck that.

[2677] I'm not doing it.

[2678] I took Tony Hinchcliffe.

[2679] We did it, allegedly, in Austin, Texas.

[2680] The guy that died to which?

[2681] No, no, he's alive.

[2682] He's doing well.

[2683] But it's like, I can't explain it.

[2684] You can't explain it.

[2685] You explained it great that night when I was listening, how it changes your perception.

[2686] of everything.

[2687] It definitely does that.

[2688] It definitely changes your perception of everything.

[2689] How about your marriage?

[2690] Did it?

[2691] I don't think it had any effect on that.

[2692] I think what it does, honestly, is it shows you that there's more that, like, supposedly there's like multiple dimensions that exist simultaneously all around us.

[2693] We only exist in this dimension.

[2694] This is like what physicists believe.

[2695] You know, there's like 11 different dimensions.

[2696] And it's probably that we just don't have the sensory depor...

[2697] We don't have the sensory perception abilities to perceive these things.

[2698] Like, if you took a...

[2699] an aunt and you know you fucking held a book over the aunt's head do you think they know that there's letters over there they don't understand what fuck you're doing right like they don't need to be able to perceive that we have developed and evolved with uh our abilities are perceiving what's in front of us all the time whether it's hunting and gathering or recognizing enemies like that's where all of our senses come from our hearing our feeling our touch to have sex make more people to know when you're hungry all those different things but it's very likely that there's a lot of shit around us all the time that we just can't take in.

[2700] Sure.

[2701] And this neurochemical that your brain produces when you take it in large doses, it allows you a very brief but incredibly potent window into what's likely there all the time.

[2702] But what are you seeing visually?

[2703] Does it change that to?

[2704] I try to describe it to you?

[2705] Oh, yeah.

[2706] The world dissolves.

[2707] You know, you live in a world of a fucking of jesters and, like, lights that are indescribable, geometric patterns that are just infinite, fractal.

[2708] They go on forever, and it's the most potent thing you could ever explain.

[2709] I would never, ever.

[2710] I could show it to you in, like, an Alex Gray painting.

[2711] This is like...

[2712] A little clearer at him.

[2713] Yeah, well, this guy does all of his shit while he's...

[2714] Well, he's painting?