Armchair Anonymous: Public Evacuation

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dean Shepard joined by Giggle Padman.

[5] You guys just made a joke and I didn't get it.

[6] Yeah, I didn't even get it.

[7] What was my joke?

[8] Something about a pokey restaurant.

[9] Yeah, because I don't have my transition glasses with me right now.

[10] now, which is a big oversight, pun intended, or undersight, I guess it would be.

[11] And the topic today is public evacuation.

[12] But when I looked at this document and I saw that word P, I saw P -O -K -E, I saw P -O -K -E with a slash.

[13] You know, I really like pokey.

[14] I bet you we could have a prompt, though, of bad pokey bowl.

[15] Well, I bet it's induced a lot of...

[16] No, that's not fair.

[17] Food poisoning.

[18] Food poisoning.

[19] Diarrhea.

[20] Yeah, splashy splash.

[21] That's a stereotype.

[22] What is diarrhea?

[23] About Pokey.

[24] Well, you're eating raw fish, no?

[25] Yeah, but it's just like eating cooked fish.

[26] Vegetables.

[27] Cooked bread.

[28] It's just like eating toast.

[29] Yeah.

[30] I guarantee if we put out bad Pogi experience as a prompt, we'll definitely get four callers.

[31] We could do food poisoning.

[32] Yeah.

[33] But that would just be so gross.

[34] You know, I have several of them.

[35] But the one that's, if we read it, I go, this guy's lying, which was.

[36] The plane.

[37] Yeah.

[38] Lounge in.

[39] Kuwait.

[40] Thank you.

[41] Was it?

[42] Yeah.

[43] Yeah, yeah.

[44] After a week of eating, like, Army rations and seeing this fresh salad bar full of all kinds of vegetables.

[45] And I went crazy.

[46] And as you recall, Cooper was like, bro, you're hitting that buffet bar pretty hard.

[47] Are you not nervous?

[48] I'm like, no. man there's like a first class lounge this shit's premium got on the airplane and then eight hour flight with food poisoning to germany and then eight hour flight from germany to new york with food poisoning and then five hour flight from new york to l .A. with food poisoning that is such a nightmare of all my yeah when i think of like if i've ever been tortured in life that's probably the most uncomfortable i think i told you i was gonna like i was considering drinking which i don't ever think about but just that last flight i was like i can't i'm in so much pain i might have to get drunk and knock myself out oh my god i didn't do that spoiler alert yeah that is wrong oh it was bad if you recall that first flight the guy was on the i was on the window and there's a guy and i he never offered to switch him no and i climbed over him like fucking 35 times there's no way he didn't know what was going on was it was it diarrhea and pute yeah it was everything It was violent.

[49] It was violent.

[50] Okay, so today is pokey disasters.

[51] No, today is public evacuations.

[52] And, you know, every time we do a duty, duty drop, it's, they're good.

[53] It's a duty.

[54] They always get us.

[55] I mean, there's one story in here that's, it might be my very favorite.

[56] Of all time?

[57] I've really told this one to anyone who would listen.

[58] I love it.

[59] It's incredible.

[60] It's so incredible.

[61] Okay, yeah.

[62] Okay.

[63] All right.

[64] You can listen.

[65] Okay, everyone enjoy more public evacuations.

[66] Hello.

[67] Hi there.

[68] Are you in Washington?

[69] I am.

[70] Did you know from the Mariners Hot?

[71] You know I did.

[72] You also've got a Washington look.

[73] I've spent a lot of times.

[74] time there.

[75] You look very washtonian.

[76] Yeah, I remember from one of your podcasts, when you were drinking, it was your favorite place to drink, right?

[77] Capital Hill.

[78] What a great place to pub crawl.

[79] And then Gas Works Park is the best place to drink a 40.

[80] Yeah, you can't beat that view.

[81] What a time.

[82] Why is it an S on the hat?

[83] Seattle.

[84] Oh.

[85] Yeah, Seattle.

[86] Got it.

[87] And Alex, you had an emergency public evacuation?

[88] Yes.

[89] As you know, I was lucky enough to have an emergency public evacuation.

[90] I appreciate your love for these stories, so I think I can just get right into it.

[91] Please.

[92] So when I was a junior in high school, I went to the Dominican Republic for a service trip.

[93] Of the religious variety?

[94] I went to a Catholic high school, but it was just for a senior project, and it was through a program that was like building a school out of water bottles.

[95] Oh, wow.

[96] Yeah, it was cool.

[97] I think those types of trips are kind of getting put under more of a critical lens these days.

[98] Yeah.

[99] While I was there, like a week in, I started to feel the sickness.

[100] that happens to Americans when they go abroad oftentimes.

[101] Were you guzzling that local water without any thought, or were you being reckless?

[102] I think I might have used the water to, like, brush my teeth.

[103] Big mistake.

[104] So, like, the last few days there, I'm spending a little bit of time in the bathroom, but nothing crazy, you know, just diarrhea, basically.

[105] Sure.

[106] Very manageable.

[107] Yeah.

[108] And then so I'm flying from the Dominican Republic to New York, and then New York to Seattle.

[109] and I'm spending a few days in New York to visit family.

[110] And the first day I'm in New York, we go to Times Square, we're sightseeing, and we're in the M &M store, like the factory, that's right by Times Square, if you've ever been there.

[111] No, well.

[112] I'm in there, and I get this feeling.

[113] And I was like, oh, my gosh, I need to go to the bathroom immediately.

[114] And I'm like, okay, well, there's probably a bathroom in the Eminem store.

[115] So I start walking around, you know, the sweats start to come in.

[116] I'm kind of frantically looking.

[117] And no bathroom.

[118] I run into the stairwell.

[119] in the M &M store.

[120] Oh, boy.

[121] Okay, wonderful.

[122] And I'm getting ready.

[123] I'm like, this is the time.

[124] I'm going to shit in a stairwell.

[125] Yeah, what else are you going to do?

[126] It was an active choice.

[127] Yeah, but then I'm like, wait, no. No, I'm not.

[128] Oh, okay.

[129] I can make it to a bathroom.

[130] You steeled yourself.

[131] I gave myself a little pep talk in the moment.

[132] And so I run down the stairs into Times Square and B -line straight to a Starbucks.

[133] Yeah.

[134] And make it, thankfully.

[135] Oh, great.

[136] Busiest bathroom in the world, probably.

[137] And no one was there.

[138] I went right in, and the person in front of me opened it, so I didn't even need to go up and ask for a code.

[139] So that was thankful for that.

[140] What a blessing.

[141] Safe to say the next few days in New York, I just stayed in my hotel room.

[142] I was like, I'm not going to go out and risk it.

[143] And Alex, really quick, you're going on now day.

[144] I would imagine nine or something.

[145] Yeah, so in the Dominican Republic, it was more diarrhea sickness than when I get to the states.

[146] I'd taken some medication, so it's becoming more solid, but it's still frequent.

[147] The next day, I'm flying from New York to Seattle.

[148] Hold on a second.

[149] You know what I love about this story?

[150] Alex is like, I thought for sure you were going to shit yourself on the airplane ride to New York.

[151] Oh, for sure.

[152] No, I thought first in the Dominican Republic it was going to happen.

[153] True, true.

[154] Yeah, with some peers from school working on this water bottle house.

[155] I thought for sure he's going to shoot himself up in the sky.

[156] Then definitely.

[157] Eminem's getting a big shit in the stairwell.

[158] Now you're leaving New York.

[159] Exactly.

[160] And my anticipation is already crackling again.

[161] So I get on the flight, and I'm a little bit nervous.

[162] I'm like, okay, this is a long flight.

[163] I'm like, okay, I'm just going to sleep, and I'll wake up in Seattle.

[164] And then about two hours into the flight, I wake up with that same feeling that I had in the M &M factory or store.

[165] I keep saying factory, but it's probably just a store.

[166] They should rename it.

[167] I think you're right.

[168] They would prefer factory.

[169] I think you're doing them a favor.

[170] And I have to go immediately.

[171] And I'm in the window seat, and my sister is next to me. And then a friend that went on the trip with us is there.

[172] I'm frantic.

[173] I'm like, get up.

[174] I have to go to the bathroom.

[175] And I stand up.

[176] And I look back, and the drink cart had passed us, so it's there.

[177] And then there's about a seven -person line to the bathroom.

[178] I'm not going to make it.

[179] So I sit back down.

[180] Oh, God.

[181] Oh, wow.

[182] And I accept my fate.

[183] Oh, my God.

[184] And poop my pants on the airplane.

[185] Oh, mid -flight.

[186] Oh, God.

[187] Yeah.

[188] And my sister and our friend are still standing.

[189] It happens that fast.

[190] They're still standing.

[191] The thought process of accepting them.

[192] Okay, I'm going to go duty in my pants.

[193] But you're like, I'm going to sit down to duty in my pants.

[194] That part confuses me. I think if I've committed to duty in my pants.

[195] You want to stand?

[196] I want to stand so that it's not getting pushed back up into my butt.

[197] Right.

[198] Or you're hoping it does get pushed back up.

[199] Well, and that's what I'm asking.

[200] Do you remember that decision?

[201] Maybe what I thought was that if I sat down, I could maybe like hold it in.

[202] Okay, right.

[203] Pack it.

[204] Hold the wound.

[205] Yeah.

[206] Apply pressure.

[207] Prairie dog it, as they say.

[208] Yeah.

[209] I hope for the best.

[210] I wasn't really thinking it was pure fear.

[211] So my sister and friend are still standing.

[212] And they kind of sit back down and they're like, what's up?

[213] I thought you had to go to the bathroom.

[214] And I'm like, you guys, I just shit my pants.

[215] Oh, my God.

[216] And they're like, what?

[217] No, you didn't.

[218] Like, what do you mean?

[219] You shit your pants.

[220] I'm like, yeah, I just shit my pants.

[221] And they just start laughing so hard.

[222] They're laughing so hard in this moment.

[223] Those laughs are laughs of gratitude because you're like, oh my God, I haven't shit my pants.

[224] You're just elated with the notion that that's not you going through this.

[225] And I'm happy that I was surrounded by people who are laughing in that moment.

[226] Yeah, they love you unconditionally, yeah.

[227] But then it starts to smell.

[228] Yeah.

[229] Yeah.

[230] Alex just glanced over his shoulder.

[231] Did you notice that?

[232] There's like a lot of subtle stuff going on.

[233] Like you're on the run or something.

[234] He goes, he started to smell and then he looked over his shoulder like, yeah, I don't even know I did that.

[235] I'm just in my room alone.

[236] I know.

[237] But you know it's dangerous.

[238] Yeah.

[239] So my sister, we're juniors in high school.

[240] So she starts pulling out her like juicy pink, perfume.

[241] It's like spraying it.

[242] Oh, boy.

[243] Oh, God.

[244] So she's spraying it in our aisle.

[245] And luckily, our friend actually had a plastic bag with sweats in it.

[246] Oh.

[247] So I'm like, oh, wow.

[248] Okay, things are turning in my favor.

[249] Sweets, I can go and change.

[250] So I stand up, grab the sweats, but the drink cart is still in the aisle and there's still about a four -person line.

[251] So for probably about 10 rows, I'm right behind the drink cart.

[252] Oh, just standing and stinking.

[253] And I had tied a flannel around, like that would do anything.

[254] I can hear people murmuring like, oh, my gosh, what's that smell?

[255] Oh, no. Do you hear anyone actually say, like, I think this guy fucking shit his pants?

[256] I didn't hear that, but I just kept hearing, oh, my gosh, what's that smell?

[257] But, you know, at the drink cart, you have to stop at every row.

[258] So I'm stopping.

[259] Yes, yes, yes.

[260] And my poop in my butt is right next to families in these rows.

[261] Yeah, they're right at nose level, yeah.

[262] So I'm just staring directly forward, like, please, get me to this bathroom.

[263] So I make it to the bathroom.

[264] change into the sweats, throw the underwear away, go back to the seat, but it still smells.

[265] And I realized that I'd made another fatal mistake that I'd brought the pants back to the seat with me in the plastic bag because I liked the pants.

[266] Oh, God.

[267] You're an 11th grade.

[268] And I was like, these are good pants.

[269] Like, I can just wash them.

[270] I can wear them again.

[271] And there's probably about three hours left in the flight.

[272] Maybe I'm over Michigan or something.

[273] Who knows?

[274] Sounds appropriate, yeah.

[275] Yeah, but so I'm like, okay, I'm just going to try and sleep again.

[276] Wait, did you throw out the pants?

[277] Well, I was going to ask if you moved it to the overhead compartment at least.

[278] I think you put it in a backpack.

[279] The smell was still kind of there, but not as much.

[280] I wake up like an hour later, and the flight attendants are taping tea bags to the roof of the plane and waving them around to absorb this scent that has gotten on this airplane.

[281] Oh, that's a method they employ.

[282] Yep.

[283] And my sister's just laughing so hard on me. She's like, check it out.

[284] Look at what's going on here.

[285] It's like there's a fly problem and they've hung fly tape all over the cabin.

[286] Oh, my God.

[287] I've never heard that.

[288] Yeah, I would also think like witchcraft going on, some kind of voodoo.

[289] There's spirits on the plane.

[290] They've hung tea bags.

[291] Oh, my God.

[292] Yeah, they could have been talking about me a lot, but I put headphones in and was just like, I'm not entertaining it.

[293] Well, you probably disassociated.

[294] Like, I'm going to ignore that I'm here until it's over.

[295] Sometimes when I'm telling the story, I'd tell my friends, like, if they would have handed me a parachute, I probably would have jumped out of the plane.

[296] Sure.

[297] Given the chance.

[298] D .B. Cooper.

[299] Without a paddle.

[300] Yeah.

[301] I ended up having to go to the bathroom two more times on the flight, but made it fine.

[302] Oh, boy.

[303] The head must have fucking reeked if your underwear were in the trash can.

[304] For sure.

[305] I mean, babies are pooping all the time on planes.

[306] It's, I guess, a little bit different.

[307] Stinky.

[308] Well, you do wrap the puty up in the diaper and you make a little bomb out of it.

[309] And that works pretty good.

[310] And then the diaper is designed to really contain that.

[311] And it's smaller.

[312] Yeah.

[313] So I land in Seattle, get off the plane.

[314] Like a week later, a friend who was on the flight with us, her dad calls her and is like, hey, I was listening to the radio today.

[315] And the prompt from a DJ on the radio station was, call in and tell us about your worst experience on an airplane.

[316] And this woman called in and was like, hey, I was flying from New York to Seattle last week.

[317] And some young man shit his pants and stunk up the entire plane.

[318] Oh, my God.

[319] They knew was you.

[320] So everyone knew?

[321] And then Carrera's dad was like, do you think it was Alex?

[322] I was like, unless other people are doing this, that was definitely me. tons of young men crossing the country.

[323] They knew because, oh, man. Oh, wow, you made it onto the radio.

[324] Now twice.

[325] I think, you know, the fatal error was you standing for so long.

[326] I think you should have waited until that bar cart was gone and then gone to the bathroom.

[327] Totally.

[328] I was actually thinking that last night when I was kind of thinking of the story in my head.

[329] I was like, why didn't I wait for like the cart to just be gone?

[330] But then I didn't want to be like sitting in my own.

[331] I know.

[332] That's what I was going to say is like he's going to be somewhere reeking up his immediate.

[333] I know.

[334] But the least amount of movement is best.

[335] Yeah.

[336] Oh, wow.

[337] You know, it's funny, because if I'm on that plane, I want to murder whoever shit their pants.

[338] I have no compassion.

[339] But now as I sit here and I hear what you went through, Alex, I'm overwhelmed with compassion and sympathy.

[340] And, you know, life is hard.

[341] I actually would have compassion because stomach stuff, like, what can you do?

[342] But I would still be so mad.

[343] Yeah.

[344] And you know, I've got two really epic, very long flights with food poisoning.

[345] Yeah.

[346] There's nothing worse in the world.

[347] world, but I never did evacuate in my seat.

[348] I always made it.

[349] The tea bags.

[350] So interesting.

[351] Yeah, it was funny to just kind of hear the chatter around you because you're like, oh, maybe I got away with it.

[352] But then you hear the people talking and you're like, oh, no, no, I really didn't.

[353] I'm just going to sit here and stare forward for the rest of this flight.

[354] Talk about being a pariah.

[355] You have no friends, no friends in this flight, except for your good old sister.

[356] Well, yeah, my sister and the friend will bring up that story.

[357] And they're like, Yeah, we saw you shit your pants.

[358] It was probably one of the best days of their lives.

[359] Well, again, it's funny until like 20 minutes later when you also have to sit in this stink.

[360] It's better when it's a sibling's than a stranger.

[361] Oh, for sure.

[362] Yeah.

[363] Yeah.

[364] And we're twins.

[365] I was just going to ask that.

[366] Like, how are you both on the same trip?

[367] The funniest part was the mix of the smell and the pink perfume.

[368] Well, that brought me back to, yeah, my buddy Nate.

[369] In fact, now that we're talking to you, I feel like he's going to have to come in and tell the story but he was on a flight like that where he wasn't you he was a passenger and people were spraying fucking perfume and cologne all over and he said that actually became more offensive and like toxic than the dump that the older gentleman had made in his pants yeah gotta say i'm shocked i've flown so much saying that i've never experienced this yeah i feel like i'm due hearing this story i'm flying to miami this week and i got a hunch we're gonna manifest it Well, Alex, thank you so much for telling that story.

[370] What a banger of a story.

[371] Thank you for making me feel comfortable to tell it and everything.

[372] Thanks, Alex.

[373] Bye -bye.

[374] Oh, Lord.

[375] Yeah.

[376] God bless, Alex.

[377] Pooh -boo pants.

[378] Yeah, a little bit of a poo -boo in his pants.

[379] Sat down for it.

[380] I've never been sitting in my clothing.

[381] I've always just pulled my pants down because I'm like.

[382] Yeah, but you couldn't have done that on the plane, would you?

[383] I, God, I wonder.

[384] There's some part of me is like, you can't let it get in your pants.

[385] It's better on the floor.

[386] But no. But it's not, not in a public airplane.

[387] Yeah, I don't know.

[388] Because the undies, especially me undies.

[389] Oh, yeah.

[390] If you have to shit your pants, I cannot recommend anything more than me andes.

[391] Yeah, because they're snug.

[392] So they would hold it.

[393] Yeah.

[394] And then you could diaper it up.

[395] You could.

[396] It would look really funny from the back.

[397] Yeah, it would.

[398] But that is, you know, I bet he was.

[399] wearing regular boxers, because in 11th grade, you think that's cool.

[400] Yep, that's what I was wearing.

[401] And I did think that's a dumb invention.

[402] Boxers?

[403] Regular boxers, unless you're sleeping or something.

[404] Well, I'll tell you what I miss about boxers and what I don't miss about boxers.

[405] You're not going to sweat as much.

[406] There's so much air now traveling through there.

[407] But I will say my ball sack, since you asked, was shockingly long.

[408] I have this story.

[409] You recall the story about Jamie Presley and being in her.

[410] And then walking across the mere nude and noticing my testicles were hanging lower than my penis and I got really insecure.

[411] And I really was panicking because I was only 34 at the time.

[412] And I was like, at the rate these testicles are going, they're going to be down to around my knees.

[413] Yeah.

[414] I switched then in 2015 to Meundi's.

[415] It really took me a long time to notice, but all of a sudden I realized like, oh, my balls aren't nearly as droopy as they were.

[416] So I do think because I only wore boxes, I had zero support.

[417] They were just getting longer and longer.

[418] But now they've snapped back.

[419] Yeah.

[420] Yeah, it's back to a normal, what I would say normal.

[421] So that's the pro and con. Like I did like that there was way less sweat and stuff, but then who knows where those tests were going to end up tripping on them.

[422] So it's dependent on your pants when it's a nice kind of tightish pant.

[423] I imagine this like loose boxer in there.

[424] I don't like that.

[425] Yeah.

[426] Here's Lindsay.

[427] Really nice to have women on the public evacuation.

[428] Hi.

[429] Hi.

[430] Hi, Lindsay.

[431] How are you?

[432] Oh, my gosh.

[433] I was so good.

[434] How are you guys?

[435] What is this stimulating backdrop we have?

[436] I was hoping you'd ask.

[437] I built myself a fort.

[438] I have a walk -through closet, so I didn't think it would really work.

[439] You can see it's duct taped.

[440] Oh, it's very in the hand.

[441] Oh, my Lord, you're an engineer.

[442] That looks like it took a lot of work.

[443] I know.

[444] I hope you get more than one use out of it.

[445] You've got to think of something else you can do with this.

[446] Well, now I know.

[447] So when people tell me the audio's bad, I can just whip this right up.

[448] Pop it up.

[449] I'm so delighted you've called.

[450] It's really nice to have some women represented.

[451] Women want representation.

[452] Well, guess what?

[453] You need it as also in the emergency evacuation space.

[454] Yeah, that's right.

[455] That's true.

[456] Can't be all a car.

[457] So I applaud your participation, Lindsay.

[458] We'll start with.

[459] I'm so sorry.

[460] This happened to you.

[461] What happened?

[462] All right.

[463] So setting the scene, it was a vacation with my then boyfriend.

[464] We had gone down to Cancun, Mexico, just for like a long weekend.

[465] Just wanted to sit by the pool.

[466] It was the middle of winter.

[467] It was our second night.

[468] After dinner, we had decided.

[469] to take a walk on the beach.

[470] And I was wearing kind of strappy, like, sun dress, but it was a mullet dress.

[471] So it was like short in the front, long in the back.

[472] Okay.

[473] Oh, those are called mullet dresses.

[474] Mallet dresses.

[475] Oh, wow.

[476] High -low dresses.

[477] So we're walking on the beach, so romantic.

[478] And there's other people walking, but, you know, it's fairly light.

[479] And we're about 20 minutes out.

[480] And my stomach starts to gurgle.

[481] Yeah.

[482] So I said, listen, I think I got to go to the bathroom.

[483] Let's turn back.

[484] We turn back and it quickly becomes evident that this is deteriorating fast.

[485] And there's no way I'm getting back to the hotel.

[486] We're on the strip of resorts.

[487] So there's just resort after resort after resort.

[488] But we're pretty far from ours.

[489] So I look at him and I said, listen, I don't think I'm going to make it.

[490] I think I'm just going to run into the ocean.

[491] Yes, very good move.

[492] Very good move.

[493] That's obvious.

[494] There's a toilet right next to you.

[495] Right.

[496] So he goes, no, no, no, no. I don't think that's a good.

[497] idea.

[498] Why?

[499] I mean, it was wavy.

[500] Oh, he was worried about your safety.

[501] Maybe.

[502] I don't know.

[503] So he goes, I think you should try to run up the beach.

[504] And we were at a part where there was like one of the big hotels was kind of starting, but there was like a little bit of a gap where there was some like high grass next to it.

[505] Undeveloped.

[506] Yeah.

[507] So I'm assuming he's meaning like run towards the grass.

[508] And so I start running.

[509] And it's running uphill in the sand.

[510] Oh, no. Oh, no. In a dress.

[511] Oh, boy.

[512] You're getting a workout in the middle of this diarrhea.

[513] Yeah.

[514] Everything's in slow motion.

[515] I am running so slow and realized, like, there's no way I'm getting to the grass.

[516] And you've now made it too far away from the ocean now.

[517] You've passed nature's toilet.

[518] Yeah.

[519] Oh.

[520] It was a resort next door.

[521] And it was all set up with, like, little pairs of loungers and a little table in between, you know, for the next day.

[522] Were people out there enjoying the sunset and a cocktail?

[523] No. Okay.

[524] Thank God.

[525] So I get to the first set of loungers and it's just common.

[526] So I'm trying to position myself.

[527] I'm trying to get my dress out of the way and I just like squat in between the two loungers.

[528] This will sound perverse, but I feel like it's relevant.

[529] What happens to the underwear in this situation?

[530] Do you pull them to the side or rip them down?

[531] It was a thong.

[532] So I was just trying to kind of pull it to the side.

[533] That was my hunch.

[534] Okay.

[535] There was no time.

[536] Like there was just no time for a completely.

[537] undressing.

[538] So squatting, get it all out.

[539] I honestly don't even know if there was any sound.

[540] Hopefully it was covered by waves.

[541] Oh, yeah.

[542] Yes.

[543] I get done and walk back down the beach towards my boyfriend who's waiting near the water.

[544] And I just look at him and I said, I'm going in the ocean.

[545] Yeah.

[546] Or I should have been originally.

[547] Exactly.

[548] Thanks to you.

[549] So I beeline into the ocean.

[550] The waves are crashing.

[551] I'm trying to keep my dress out of the water, but then also get deep enough to get, you know, on my butt.

[552] So I'm getting tossed around left and right.

[553] Like a ragdow.

[554] Maybe he was right about.

[555] Yeah, it's hard to know yet.

[556] Yeah.

[557] It is hard to know in retrospect.

[558] But finally, I feel clean enough.

[559] Half my dress is wet.

[560] The night is over.

[561] So I go back up, meet him, and he gives me a big hug.

[562] And he's like, don't worry.

[563] I'm so embarrassed.

[564] So he's like, don't worry about it.

[565] You're all right.

[566] You're all right.

[567] Let's just go back home.

[568] So we walk all the way back to the hotel, and he's like, got his arm around my shoulder, consoling me the whole time.

[569] And we walk up from the beach, which has been fairly dark, into the lights of the resort coming through.

[570] And he looks down and I hear him go, what is all over my arms?

[571] Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. And I turn around, and I look at his arms, and it's, like, covered in these, like, brown splotches.

[572] Oh, wow, speckles.

[573] How'd that happen?

[574] And he looks at me and I was like, what?

[575] What did you do?

[576] Poop your pants?

[577] Are you sick, son of a bitch?

[578] He looks at me in the light and he goes, oh, my God, Lindsay, you've poop all over your back.

[579] Oh.

[580] No. Wowzers, wowsers, wowsers.

[581] Oh, insult to injury.

[582] The ocean didn't fix that.

[583] I might have called.

[584] Oh.

[585] Well, so what we ended up realizing my mullet part of the dress, either actively got pooped on or, like, dragged through the poop.

[586] And then when I ran into the ocean, the waves, like, slapped it up onto my mouth.

[587] Oh, and just kind of spread it everywhere.

[588] Oh.

[589] Yeah.

[590] And then when he was like hugging me and consoling me. He got it all over himself.

[591] He got it all over his hands.

[592] What a sweet.

[593] It really feels like.

[594] When a baby is a blowout and then it's just all over you somehow.

[595] Like, oh, wow.

[596] Crime scene.

[597] Yeah.

[598] Now, what's his move?

[599] Straight to the pool, the hotel to wash his arms off?

[600] Or is he tried to get through the lobby?

[601] What's he do now?

[602] I don't know why, but we ended up just running through the lobby of the hotel just to get to the elevator.

[603] Did you soak the mullet dress in the tub or do you say, I hate this dress.

[604] I don't ever want to see it again.

[605] I actually have it.

[606] Oh my God.

[607] It's here.

[608] Wow, it's really cute.

[609] Oh, white.

[610] Fuck.

[611] Oh, my God.

[612] What a terrible.

[613] You need that reverse white on top.

[614] The worst spot was white.

[615] Yeah, so I ended up throwing it in the shower with me just like on the floor.

[616] Again, that's what I would have assumed the waves would have done, but no. You know the colloquial butterfly effect.

[617] Everyone knows the butterfly effect, right?

[618] A butterfly bats its wings and it has an effect on the other.

[619] side of the planet.

[620] So I like imagining that that morning lounge crew from the resort got out there and they discovered this enormous dump.

[621] And as guys would think, well, this isn't from a gal.

[622] This is from another hotel's staff fucking with us.

[623] Oh.

[624] Like this is an act of vandalism.

[625] I think that's where your mind goes immediately.

[626] Like this is an act of vandalism, not if you're the person.

[627] person discovering it, you're like, you've got the ocean.

[628] They would have shit in the ocean.

[629] You've got the rest of the beach that doesn't have chairs next.

[630] So to come here and poop on our chairs is an act of vandalism.

[631] It might have led to a parking lot rumble between hotel staff.

[632] Wow.

[633] Butterfly effect.

[634] We don't know what happened.

[635] Well, I did forget to mention one thing.

[636] I covered it with sand.

[637] Like a kitty.

[638] That's good.

[639] That's right.

[640] Like a kitty.

[641] Yeah.

[642] I was like, maybe this will just make this disappear.

[643] But then I have been thinking that it was a hotel guest that, like, came out.

[644] It's the nearest chair to the water.

[645] And they're like, yeah, we got the good chair this morning.

[646] And then it just looks like it's sand, but there's a surprise underneath.

[647] That's right.

[648] There's a Christmas surprise.

[649] Wow.

[650] I got to say, if one has to choose their environment to have this situation, you were in the best one.

[651] Because, again, you have the ocean.

[652] And then you have the biggest litter box on the point.

[653] Yeah, the sand is a good place.

[654] I would have loved to have seen you make it to that tall grass.

[655] Yeah, who knows what would have happened in the grass.

[656] So itchy.

[657] Also, dresses are a great thing to be wearing in this situation because I now think when you were sitting down having your dump, you weren't exposed.

[658] The dress was covering you up for the most part.

[659] But then it is hard because you're like also trying to hold it up.

[660] That's true.

[661] And remove the underwear.

[662] Yeah.

[663] It was a lot.

[664] You're bound to get some poop on it.

[665] I'm shocked you too didn't make the go the distance after.

[666] sharing that experience.

[667] That's a very bonding.

[668] I know.

[669] We're still good friends.

[670] He knows that I'm on here telling this story.

[671] That's so cute.

[672] I can leave he had it all over his arms.

[673] What's on my arms?

[674] Yeah.

[675] Well, Lindsay, thanks for sharing that story with us.

[676] That's wonderful.

[677] And it's great to meet you.

[678] Nice to meet you too.

[679] Okay.

[680] Take care.

[681] Bye.

[682] It would be really fun to hear from a friend and find out you were there.

[683] there and you didn't know it.

[684] Remember that time I said I lost my keys?

[685] And I had to go look back at the restaurant.

[686] No, I poop my pants next to the car.

[687] It would be me who did that.

[688] Yeah, and hit it.

[689] Yeah, I'd be the one to hide it.

[690] Well, okay, great.

[691] So do you maybe have anything you want to tell?

[692] I've had just so many close calls, but I've never...

[693] You've never pooped outside of a bathroom?

[694] You ever pooped in the woods or...

[695] No, never pooped in the woods or the beach.

[696] You haven't lived.

[697] Sorry.

[698] I mean, I've had almost poops.

[699] Are you pooping right now?

[700] What just happened?

[701] His stomach could just crowd.

[702] Had an inopportune time.

[703] What's up, guys?

[704] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[705] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[706] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

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[708] And I don't mean just friends.

[709] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, a Fox, the list goes on.

[710] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[711] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[712] We've all been there.

[713] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[714] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[715] like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

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[721] Hi, Corbyn.

[722] Hey, how are you guys doing today?

[723] Wonderful.

[724] You're my first Corbyn I've ever met.

[725] I was mine, too, believe it or not.

[726] But recently, I've ran across quite a few.

[727] So, Corbyn, I'm sad to learn on your behalf and delighted for us that you had an accidental evacuation in public.

[728] Yeah, unfortunate for me, great for everyone else.

[729] Great.

[730] What year was this?

[731] Where are we at?

[732] What happened?

[733] It was 2011.

[734] Christmas time.

[735] It just finished up Christmas dinner at my grandparents.

[736] So all the family coming in from out of town.

[737] Big Christmas dinner.

[738] Everyone bringing multiple dishes.

[739] People are leaving.

[740] Finally, my oldest brother who brought his recently dating girlfriend.

[741] They decided to get up and go and start saying goodbye to everyone because they're going to go see a movie.

[742] The new Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey Jr. Sure.

[743] Great film.

[744] Guy Ritchie.

[745] Yeah.

[746] So naturally, I wanted to go to.

[747] Wanted to see that movie.

[748] So I'm like, oh, hey.

[749] You know, can I go to?

[750] And he's like, no, it's going with a date with my girlfriend.

[751] Go away.

[752] So finally more begging and pleading.

[753] They finally agree and let me go along.

[754] Can I ask how old you are in 2011?

[755] Sophomore in high school.

[756] Okay.

[757] Nice, awkward stage.

[758] So that just makes this even better.

[759] Right, right.

[760] So we get there, get our popcorn and everything, and it's just about the start time of the movie.

[761] So by the time we get in there, it's a packed house.

[762] Only three seats available are naturally in the front row.

[763] About halfway through the movie.

[764] I'm eating and realize, oh, my stomach's starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable.

[765] I think, oh, it's probably just the candy, popcorn, mountain dew combo that I'm eating.

[766] What a combo.

[767] I'm not doing myself any favors there.

[768] So I think, oh, I'll just lay off that.

[769] I'll be fine.

[770] A couple minutes later, it starts to act up again.

[771] I better just go out of here just to be safe.

[772] So set everything aside and start to go out.

[773] As I'm about to the doors to exit, it just hits me all of a sudden, a huge wave.

[774] I turn to the trash cans right there by the door and just start violently throwing up.

[775] Oh, no. Oh, wow.

[776] This is a left turn.

[777] Welcome to left turn.

[778] Is it loud?

[779] Oh, yeah.

[780] Absolutely loud.

[781] And it's a nice quiet part of the movie, so I can only imagine how we all heard.

[782] I would love to hear that.

[783] If the movie quieted down, I heard him back like, I would love that.

[784] As long as I wasn't close enough to smell anything.

[785] Yeah.

[786] I love the auditory.

[787] So start absolutely just violently throwing up and then soon realize that's not the only violent thing I'm doing.

[788] Yeah.

[789] At the same time, I'm also violently shitting my pants.

[790] So coming out both ends.

[791] Three way.

[792] It's a solid eight to ten seconds of heaving and then stopping and heaving some more from all angles.

[793] Oh.

[794] You were poisoned for sure.

[795] That's what I'm, I keep wondering.

[796] is in the back of my mind.

[797] It seemed like no one else got sick, very suspicious.

[798] So I do that and then compose myself as best as one can and kind of waddle my way out of the theater towards the bathroom.

[799] Get into the bathroom.

[800] Thankfully, it's pretty much empty.

[801] Get into a stall, sit down to try and reassess the situation, see how much damage is done.

[802] Yeah.

[803] I realize my underwear is just complete loss, complete right off.

[804] It's all the way down both pants.

[805] legs into the socks oh oh no what to do what do you do i don't know what to do is this before cell phone i know what to do yeah i had a cell phone but i naturally was not going to text anyone and get this information out there so i take everything off ball up my socks and my underwear and just a big wad of toilet paper set that to the side and try and work on my jeans go through probably the entire industrial -sized roll of the one -ply toilet paper.

[806] Useless.

[807] Oh.

[808] Yeah.

[809] Not the best cleaning supplies in that situation.

[810] Were you wearing jeans?

[811] Oh, yeah.

[812] Had it bled through to the outside?

[813] It definitely permeated, made its way through.

[814] Fortunately, they were a dark wash. Okay, that's helpful.

[815] I had that going for me, at least.

[816] Get that all cleaned up as best as I can, put those back on, slip my bare feet into my shoes, go take the ball of hazardous materials, and throw that away and, you know, put paper towels and everything on top, try and hide it as best a can from any poor soul that might put their head in there and look.

[817] Yeah, you want to be a gentleman about this.

[818] Yeah, exactly.

[819] So then I wash my hands multiple times and go back into the theater.

[820] Stop at the concessions, get another popcorn, more mountain.

[821] Did you feel better?

[822] Were you like, I'm done with, like, this is out of me?

[823] It felt better.

[824] I didn't feel nauseous anymore, but I think the shock was still there to where I wasn't having a whole lot of feelings, just kind of what is going on.

[825] So finally making my way back into the theater, trying to make a wide berth around anyone I could try to get back to my seat.

[826] I kind of sit slash hover over the seat because I don't want to actually sit down on this and lean over to my brother who hasn't realized I've been gone an hour at this point.

[827] Oh my God.

[828] Yeah, he's romancing his date.

[829] Exactly.

[830] He was just happy.

[831] I was gone.

[832] Yeah.

[833] So I lean over to him and I say, we need to leave.

[834] Okay, good, yeah.

[835] He looks at me confused and says, what?

[836] And I said, I got sick.

[837] We just need to leave.

[838] And he rolls his eyes.

[839] He looks over to his girlfriend, tells her that.

[840] And she goes, there's like 10 minutes left in the movie.

[841] He can wait.

[842] Yes, I would have too.

[843] No. Yes, I would have said, Corbyn go outside and just sit on the curb.

[844] No. That's a long movie.

[845] That's over two hours.

[846] No. I was with a boy and his little brother was sick.

[847] We leave.

[848] Well, what if the little brother could just go sit outside and grab a cigarette?

[849] No, but he's not.

[850] He just smells at this point.

[851] Yes, he is.

[852] I'm with her.

[853] Sorry, Corvin, but I mean, I'm with you all the way to this point.

[854] But I think you should have always just gone outside.

[855] I do think it's kind of where you went back in.

[856] But still, still.

[857] Okay, yeah, still, still.

[858] Okay, so sorry, sorry, back to, she says let's wait, 10 minutes left.

[859] Yeah.

[860] I'm like, I can't wait.

[861] We need to leave.

[862] At this point, I really didn't know if anything else was coming.

[863] Finally, I get them to agree.

[864] So we all walk out of there.

[865] At this point, I hadn't told them any specifics.

[866] I just said, I got sick.

[867] His girlfriend has the foresight to go up to the counter on her way out and ask for a popcorn bucket because she doesn't want me to throw up in her car.

[868] Unbeknownst to her, that's the absolute least of her worries.

[869] Yes.

[870] We finally make our way out of there.

[871] I'm still walking nice and funny behind them.

[872] We get to the car and I'm just kind of sitting over the seat up off of her upholstery and make our way, half hour drive back to my parents' house.

[873] The second we pull in, she puts it in Park, I just run out of there, not even a thank you or see you later.

[874] I run into my house, find my mom, let her know what happened.

[875] I give her all the details.

[876] She has just this horrified look on her face.

[877] I go up and shower for about an hour and contemplate and reevaluate my life.

[878] Sure, sure, sure.

[879] So when you were hovering in the car, were they like, oh.

[880] I don't think they necessarily saw that aspect of it.

[881] And I talked with my brother here recently about this.

[882] I asked him, you know, didn't you smell or have any inclination that something else was going on?

[883] He said, no, I was just annoyed.

[884] We had to leave the movie.

[885] Oh, that's great, then.

[886] I do want to put a pro tip out there to people.

[887] So floor mats are your best friend.

[888] The underside of your floor mat in the back seat is rubber down, carpet up.

[889] So you want to take that floor mat and put the carpet.

[890] side down on the face of the seat and then sit on the rubber.

[891] Okay.

[892] If you're ever in a situation like this, yeah, where you've got duty permeating your slacks or any other mess, just remember rubber side up, carpet side down, and you've got a little built -in math.

[893] Now, that's a genius idea that I wish I would have thought of.

[894] I got a lot of unauthorized evacuations under my belt, so I'm pretty good at this stuff.

[895] I'm really master.

[896] I should even write a book, like how to successfully poop your pants in public.

[897] Could be helpful.

[898] Oh, wow.

[899] Well, Corbyn, I'm so sorry that happened to you, especially at 15 years old.

[900] I know.

[901] Did you ever catch the end of that picture?

[902] Yeah, I think I went back to it with my friends the next weekend.

[903] Oh, okay.

[904] I'd watch the other half.

[905] Thankfully, that one went a whole lot better.

[906] Oh, man. Oh, wow.

[907] Thanks for sharing that.

[908] Being vulnerable.

[909] Yeah, I'm sorry that happened to you.

[910] Yeah, absolutely.

[911] Well, take care.

[912] Thanks so much.

[913] Hi, Kendra.

[914] How are you?

[915] Hi, Dax.

[916] I'm great.

[917] And hi, Monica.

[918] Hi.

[919] Thanks for joining us.

[920] Yeah, this is surreal.

[921] Your outfit, immediately imbues some things to me, right?

[922] Okay.

[923] Well, I want to know what.

[924] Ralph Laurenne's summer, but outdoorsy, likes to do stuff, but stylish.

[925] It is stylish.

[926] It's working for me, big time.

[927] I will take all of that.

[928] And Monica, I did my best.

[929] We do not have a palatial estate, so you are looking at the door opening to my closet because I can't sit in it.

[930] I'm sitting outside of it.

[931] It is a bit of a judgmental request, isn't it?

[932] No. Now that we really drill into it.

[933] It could be a shaming.

[934] No, because my closet is so small.

[935] Right.

[936] And I am doing that.

[937] Yeah.

[938] You made it.

[939] Now I'm against Kendra and I don't like that.

[940] That's right.

[941] It wasn't fair.

[942] But I see where it could be triggering.

[943] Go into my closet.

[944] I can't even fit my clothes in there.

[945] It'd be great if we did check in with somebody and they were just on a shelf.

[946] Well, can I get myself?

[947] The smaller the closet, the best.

[948] better.

[949] You want a small guy.

[950] You just want a lot of clothes dampening.

[951] Filled.

[952] Anyways, who gives a fuck about closets?

[953] Kendra, you're a beautiful put -together woman, and yet even you suffered from a public evacuation.

[954] So you guys have entertained me so much through the years, but I introduced my kids to Armchair Anonymous.

[955] Can I tell you something, Kendra, really quick?

[956] I've gotten like four messages from friends of mine who have told me that exact same thing that they're listening to with their young teenage kids and the kids love it.

[957] And that makes me so happy.

[958] So that's happening with you as well.

[959] Yeah, I have a 10 -year -old son and I have a 13 -year -old daughter who I promised I wouldn't fan girl on you guys and become cringing.

[960] Oh, okay.

[961] I listen to them first and then we listen to them together.

[962] And so I can fast forward on maybe things that are maybe not appropriate.

[963] Yes, very smart.

[964] They pop up, yep.

[965] Yeah.

[966] And I realized in my story today that I'm going to share.

[967] with you.

[968] They know most of it, but they don't know the part of it that I believe really sets this in like a whole new poop story.

[969] Oh, amazing, a critical detail.

[970] Oh, I can't wait.

[971] Well, first of all, what are your kids names?

[972] I'll say, I want to say hi to them.

[973] Garrett and Hazel.

[974] Okay, Garrett and Hazel, thank you so much for listening to the program.

[975] We love having you as listeners.

[976] Okay, so mom, when and where did you shit yourself?

[977] Let's get into it.

[978] Yeah, let's just go.

[979] So this was back in And here's the other thing.

[980] I am going to say that they, my kids, are part of the reason why this happened.

[981] I believe that.

[982] Of course.

[983] As a parent, I believe they're responsible for anything that happens.

[984] Yep.

[985] I was a runner.

[986] I still am a runner.

[987] And so after having children, I really wanted to get back into running.

[988] I had some friends.

[989] And we would make a thing of getting into the Nike Women's Marathon and Half Marathon every year as a group.

[990] Oh, fun.

[991] So back in 2015, I and my friend Bree, she lives in San Francisco, did the half marathon.

[992] I went up by myself a couple days early.

[993] She and I made a weekend of it.

[994] Went to the Greek saw a show.

[995] Then the Saturday before the race, we went out, got her nails done.

[996] We go to Nike and we get matching outfits.

[997] Cute.

[998] I love this.

[999] Went to bed, woke up early.

[1000] We get to the race location.

[1001] I'm a little faster of a run.

[1002] than her.

[1003] So we say our parting words and we line up in the holding corral and the start goes off.

[1004] And I have earbuds that are in, you know, I'm listening to music.

[1005] I'm also listening to like my running pace.

[1006] What does that mean?

[1007] Like if you have a goal of what you want to finish in, you want to be running your miles like in that pace.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] Right.

[1010] So I had a goal that I wanted to finish a half marathon in under two hours.

[1011] Okay.

[1012] So I start and I'm on fire.

[1013] My body feels amazing.

[1014] I'm running in my my ear, it's telling me I'm running around like seven -minute miles, which is awesome and fast.

[1015] Okay, great.

[1016] So that's what I'm curious.

[1017] You have some kind of an app that's actually updating you as you listen to music going seven minutes, 48 seconds.

[1018] I don't want a real runner to get on here and tell me that's illegal.

[1019] I'm not a professional runner, so I can listen to my pace.

[1020] I wouldn't even.

[1021] Oh, my God.

[1022] Why can't you listen to your pace?

[1023] Why would that be a rule?

[1024] Because then it's pacing you.

[1025] Yeah, what's wrong with that.

[1026] Does not make you faster?

[1027] Here's what's so bizarre about human beings.

[1028] They forget what the mission is.

[1029] The mission is to run, in this case, 13 .1 miles.

[1030] The goal was never to not be told what your pace was.

[1031] You know, you just kind of.

[1032] It doesn't make your body able to run faster.

[1033] It's not cheating.

[1034] It's not doping.

[1035] Anyways, okay.

[1036] I trained really well for this.

[1037] My body felt really good.

[1038] And so I just kept it going.

[1039] So about mile four, I start to get a rumble in my stomach.

[1040] And your tumble.

[1041] And I come up to like an AIDS.

[1042] station.

[1043] And so the aid station has a bank, right, of port -a -potties.

[1044] I was like, I'm just going to jump in, take care of this.

[1045] So I think it's just pee, but it's not.

[1046] Okay.

[1047] So I go pee and poo.

[1048] Can I just ask quickly, you're probably elated because you're already running seven -minute miles with a full lower GI.

[1049] Now you're going to be light and carefree.

[1050] It takes time out.

[1051] I was in the kind of front of the pack, so these porta -potties hadn't been, like, heavily used.

[1052] That's good, yeah.

[1053] Finish it, jump out, keep running.

[1054] I get to about mile seven, so I'm just about halfway or a little over, and I get another rumble.

[1055] Okay.

[1056] And so I'm like, are you kidding me?

[1057] And at first I thought I was just going to bypass it and just thought, maybe it's gas, but then it felt a little bit more.

[1058] Yeah, yeah.

[1059] So I get off the route again and use the porta potty.

[1060] I'm relieved there's so many porta -potties.

[1061] I didn't know they were so prevalent on these courses, so that's good.

[1062] Yes.

[1063] I would say there's like, I don't know, 30 of them.

[1064] I mean, this is a big race.

[1065] There's like thousands of people running in these things.

[1066] So I take care of my business.

[1067] Two in seven miles.

[1068] And not just like a little.

[1069] I have flowed out.

[1070] Okay.

[1071] That's what I want.

[1072] You're impressive.

[1073] You're running.

[1074] You're sitting down taking a dump.

[1075] You're getting up and running again.

[1076] Seven minute miles.

[1077] Yeah, it's really impressive.

[1078] As I'm doing this, I can hear my pace.

[1079] Even though I've had to stop, I'm still going to be able to finish.

[1080] under two.

[1081] So that's driving this.

[1082] Yes.

[1083] Under two with two dumps.

[1084] That's the goal.

[1085] Under two and two.

[1086] So I'm running some more and the way the course was, it was kind of rude.

[1087] At the 10 mile, there was this like massive hills that you go up.

[1088] But the amazing playlist that my friend Bree and I made, Rage Against the Machine comes in.

[1089] Perfect time.

[1090] I am feeling pumped.

[1091] I get up this hill.

[1092] And I know that when you get up, to the hill.

[1093] It's maybe three more miles to go.

[1094] And so I get to the top of the hill.

[1095] I'm feeling really good.

[1096] My body feels great.

[1097] I'm still running really well.

[1098] And so I'm like, we're just going to go.

[1099] And then I'm in this neighborhood.

[1100] And I'm like, ah, I feel some pressure.

[1101] And you must be thinking, where is all this coming from?

[1102] I've already gone twice.

[1103] This can't be happening.

[1104] But wait, I'm sorry, was it diarrhea?

[1105] Your question is so important and it's going to be a vital point.

[1106] Okay.

[1107] Okay.

[1108] Okay.

[1109] But the previous two dumps you're asking.

[1110] Yeah, the previous two, are they solid?

[1111] Were they solid?

[1112] First was definitely solid.

[1113] Okay.

[1114] Okay.

[1115] That was the plug.

[1116] Second was more a loose soft serve.

[1117] Okay.

[1118] Okay.

[1119] Okay.

[1120] But no diarrhea yet.

[1121] Not yet.

[1122] Okay.

[1123] So I think that's a good question because, and I anticipate that's going there, at some point you're going to feel, do I have a fart?

[1124] And if they've been solid up to this point, You think you can get away with it, but as we see, it's getting looser.

[1125] Okay.

[1126] It's loosening.

[1127] So I come up and I run this particular race enough that I kind of know what's coming.

[1128] And I realize that I am beyond aid stations.

[1129] There's not any more aid stations.

[1130] Not till the end.

[1131] Glory B. There was like a construction site or something.

[1132] And there are three porta -potties on the side.

[1133] And I could just feel everything building again.

[1134] And because of what happened, the second stop, I was like, you got to be kidding me. So I get off route.

[1135] And now these are used porta -potties.

[1136] These aren't, like, fancy race ones.

[1137] Now my consistency has gone to diarrhea.

[1138] Okay.

[1139] I'm having to use ass caskets because there's no toilet paper to, like, clean myself up.

[1140] Okay, great.

[1141] Yep.

[1142] Wait, what's that?

[1143] Well, the junkies who have been using these porta -potties have used all the toilet paper.

[1144] Right.

[1145] And now all there is is the seat liners.

[1146] Oh, sea liners.

[1147] Yeah, so she has a wife with virtually wax paper, basically.

[1148] It's a bad.

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] So this race, it ends down on Chrissy Field.

[1151] And so I'm like in this upper neighborhood above Chrissy Field.

[1152] Golden Gate Bridge is kind of nearby.

[1153] And I am like thinking I just finished now.

[1154] I just finished this race.

[1155] There's no way I could have anything more left in you.

[1156] Because we had gone up this hill.

[1157] We're in this neighborhood.

[1158] Now we're going to descend down Chrissy Field.

[1159] So I'm running and all of a sudden, the pressure and grumble returns.

[1160] Oh, my God.

[1161] Number four.

[1162] And I know there is no place for me to go to the restroom.

[1163] There's no more porta -potties.

[1164] I am now with the surge of people who were like in our last mile to finish.

[1165] And your pace is hot at this point.

[1166] Yeah, still running really well.

[1167] And downhill.

[1168] There's nothing I can do.

[1169] Okay.

[1170] And I was thinking there's no way I could have anything more left in me. because I have gone three times down.

[1171] Yes.

[1172] And I'm going to let a little fart out while I run.

[1173] I'm just going to let this pressure go.

[1174] That's right.

[1175] Let it leave me. Uh -uh.

[1176] And I let go.

[1177] And it is loamy, foamy.

[1178] Oh.

[1179] And I can just feel it.

[1180] Oh, my God.

[1181] Oh, Kendra, I am so sorry.

[1182] You're at the finish line.

[1183] It's like, there's something metaphorical about this.

[1184] Yeah, there's a life lesson in here.

[1185] There's a fable in here.

[1186] You guys had the exercise poop stories and when I listened to it, I had friends contact me and say, you would have beat their stories by far because I have running tights, right?

[1187] So no one can see this.

[1188] Okay.

[1189] I'm like thinking that everyone knows this because that's what you just think when you've pooped yourself and like you stink to high hell and it's gross.

[1190] I am so mortified with myself.

[1191] But I am just like, Like you were just going to power through and you were going to finish this race and it's going to be done.

[1192] As I am running downhill, I'm going to go faster because I just want to get done.

[1193] Yes.

[1194] Because I have shit myself.

[1195] And I'm hitting the pavement faster.

[1196] My strides are getting longer.

[1197] And with each hit, I'm like getting vibration.

[1198] And with each vibration, I am starting to get looser in my pelvic area.

[1199] What?

[1200] And I start to get this like weird sensation, a little euphoric.

[1201] And I realize I have now created my own lubrication in my pants.

[1202] Wait, no. And I am now starting to climax.

[1203] You are not.

[1204] No. With your poop, lube?

[1205] You are so hot.

[1206] Oh, my God.

[1207] Oh, my God.

[1208] Oh, my God.

[1209] Oh, wow.

[1210] You're running.

[1211] You're the finish line's near.

[1212] You hated yourself.

[1213] I am coming down the hill.

[1214] And you're coming.

[1215] You're literally coming to it.

[1216] I am having a full orgasm.

[1217] Oh, my camera.

[1218] I am trying to laugh and breathe all at the same time.

[1219] Wait a minute.

[1220] Hold on.

[1221] Is this, wait.

[1222] We have so many questions.

[1223] Is it common for women to climax when they're approaching the finish line?

[1224] Well, I think it's about the.

[1225] I know that there was a lubrication in your Volvo presumably started feeling different.

[1226] Fresh, the pounding of the feet.

[1227] Is it common?

[1228] Is it?

[1229] I don't know.

[1230] Hold on.

[1231] Rob, write down unexpected orgasm as a prompt.

[1232] Oh, that would be a great one.

[1233] That is a good one.

[1234] Wow.

[1235] Kendra, you've just invented a new category.

[1236] Wow.

[1237] What a mix of emotions.

[1238] Shame, embarrassment.

[1239] Elation.

[1240] Elation.

[1241] Oh, fun.

[1242] I mean, wow.

[1243] You had it all.

[1244] I wish you would have sneezed at this moment and seen if you just evaporated.

[1245] Were you making like, That's the question I would want to ask, but not loud.

[1246] I don't know, Monica.

[1247] I get like a chest rash, right?

[1248] Like I could feel it, like coming up.

[1249] Like the heat.

[1250] My body.

[1251] Yeah.

[1252] I know what's happening to me. All of it, right?

[1253] I'm mortified, but I'm also like, I just have to laugh this out because this is so, so ridiculous.

[1254] Wow.

[1255] And transcendent in some weird way.

[1256] Yeah.

[1257] But you're not like making any vocalizations.

[1258] No, I was laughing to get that sound out.

[1259] Okay, okay, okay.

[1260] Oh, so you're like, ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha.

[1261] It's always good when I act these things out because kinder would be too embarrassed, too.

[1262] Yeah, it's really good.

[1263] But I have, like, women running next to me that are, like, remissing because it's the last mile.

[1264] Oh, my God.

[1265] I actually saw a photographer on the side.

[1266] They're taking pictures, and I'm just, like, laughing.

[1267] It's like you're on hallucinogenics or something finishing this.

[1268] Kind of.

[1269] Yeah.

[1270] Oh, wow.

[1271] So I finish, I finish.

[1272] Figuratively and literally.

[1273] In so many ways, I finish under two hours, which is amazing.

[1274] Yes, congratulations.

[1275] This is incredible.

[1276] Mixed message.

[1277] They hand me like your swag bag that has prizes and all that sort of, and I take, it's like a metal blanket that's to keep you warm.

[1278] Oh, right.

[1279] Everybody else is like wrapping themselves up here.

[1280] I'm quickly wrapping myself below because I just think I'm disgusting.

[1281] Yes, yes.

[1282] They have, like, a tent that has, like, all this merchandise, right?

[1283] So I end up going in there and hoping, hoping, hoping they have some pants.

[1284] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1285] Do you have any money on you?

[1286] I always, like, run with a credit card in my ID just in the off chance something happens, right?

[1287] That you come and shit at the same time.

[1288] Yeah.

[1289] You never know.

[1290] You never see happens.

[1291] Did you shit come at the finish line?

[1292] Wow.

[1293] I asked the man, I was like, I would like to get the pants, and he just kind of, like, gave a weird look.

[1294] And so then I realized he's on to.

[1295] me. Oh, okay.

[1296] So I end up purchasing a whole new outfit.

[1297] Sure, it will undo him knowing.

[1298] I go to the porta -potties again and they have like handicap accessible.

[1299] Yeah.

[1300] So I go in there and I disrobe myself, clean myself up as best I can.

[1301] And then I go to the finish line to like wait for my friend Bree to come in.

[1302] Which really quick, from her perspective, it's like, fuck you.

[1303] I knew you finished ahead of me. You don't have to show me you had time to go shopping and change.

[1304] It's a real fuck you.

[1305] You've got a souvenir from a gift shop.

[1306] Oh, my God.

[1307] You had a time to masturbate and shit and change.

[1308] I was just thinking I was going to be able to do this, and nobody would know what happened.

[1309] Oh, your intention was not tell your girlfriend.

[1310] Kind of.

[1311] Okay, sure, sure.

[1312] Yeah, it was fresh.

[1313] You didn't throw out the poopy pants.

[1314] No, because I just sent, like, these are not cheap things from Mikey.

[1315] I know, I know, I know.

[1316] These are brand new running pants.

[1317] They're like $100.

[1318] Yeah, yeah.

[1319] You can wash it out.

[1320] I've had two children.

[1321] You can wash anything out.

[1322] True.

[1323] Okay.

[1324] So Brie finishes, and I'm like there to congratulate her.

[1325] We embrace.

[1326] And then she takes like a step back from me. Yeah.

[1327] When we started in the morning, we were mirror images of each other, like identical outfit.

[1328] That was the game plan, yeah.

[1329] Uh -huh.

[1330] And she steps back and she goes, what happened to your clothes?

[1331] And so I just had to tell her everything.

[1332] You told her everything?

[1333] Oh, I told her.

[1334] I didn't know about the orgasm.

[1335] I could imagine that was later came out.

[1336] At that point, it's just like, here we are.

[1337] How do you hold back that one detail?

[1338] Because, like, part of you is so happy for your friend that they climaxed while running.

[1339] The other half is, like, so sad for your friend that they were in and out of three porta -a -potties.

[1340] Exactly.

[1341] It got worse.

[1342] I actually could not stop throughout the day.

[1343] Climaxing or shitting?

[1344] Like relieving myself.

[1345] Oh, I also thought.

[1346] Yeah, after -shocks.

[1347] No. So it caused for me to have.

[1348] to go to the hospital.

[1349] Oh, my God.

[1350] Oh, no. Was it e -cola?

[1351] That's what the ER doctor thought.

[1352] But then when I got back home, I saw my OB and he asked me, he was like, oh, how did your race go?

[1353] And I said, oh, funny story.

[1354] And he was like, well, that's not normal.

[1355] Yeah.

[1356] And you should probably go see someone, which worked because they ended up finding a precancerous polyp.

[1357] Oh, my God.

[1358] So to have a horrible, embarrassing story happened, like probably made life a lot better.

[1359] Well, they snip that polyp right out right before it can turn.

[1360] Yeah.

[1361] Wow.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] And then I also got diagnosed with prolapse, which again, fault of my children.

[1364] And so that's probably what contributed to me letting so much go.

[1365] Sure.

[1366] Wow.

[1367] Kendra, you're a warrior.

[1368] Now, were you drinking enough electrolytes on this run?

[1369] I was.

[1370] Going into the hospital, they checked me like I was fully hydrated.

[1371] Don't take that personally.

[1372] Monica's the electrolyte police.

[1373] I just want to make sure you're hydrated properly on these runs.

[1374] I don't think it was any fault of your own.

[1375] No, no, but that would be easy to not do if you're like on a mission.

[1376] Like I could see me forgetting to take electrolytes.

[1377] But I'm not a pro.

[1378] You're obviously a pro.

[1379] Has it given you any comfort, Kendra, to see how frequently marathon runners shit themselves.

[1380] There's a ton of foot.

[1381] Outage online of people running with a full.

[1382] It seems very commonplace.

[1383] Yeah, it's a super common thing.

[1384] I don't know how common, though, lubricating yourself with diarrhea.

[1385] That part does sound proprietary to you.

[1386] Okay, if people have done that in the comments, what should they write?

[1387] Hashtag happy surprise.

[1388] Okay.

[1389] Yeah, hashtag happy surprise if you two have climaxed while running and pooping.

[1390] That's so specific.

[1391] I know, but it, but...

[1392] Okay, that's what you want.

[1393] So maybe on your comments of your page, but I'm mine...

[1394] That was just on armchairs page.

[1395] Oh, okay, that's neutral.

[1396] Whatever.

[1397] We're getting bogged down.

[1398] Kendra's, sorry about this.

[1399] We haven't figured this out.

[1400] We have to figure out the logistics of this, but...

[1401] Yeah, we're going to have to talk to our lawyers and stuff about this.

[1402] Have you kept up with your running?

[1403] I have, and I have, because I got diagnosed with prolapse, like, figured out exercise and all that to strengthen pelvic floor, and I have...

[1404] since run other half marathons and have never, and the funny thing is, like, I had friends in other half marathons locally that would stand outside with signs that say, don't poop yourself.

[1405] Oh, that's a fun community.

[1406] Yeah.

[1407] And you're listening to Rage Against the Machine.

[1408] You're a party.

[1409] Yeah, how fun.

[1410] Yeah, you're a big time party.

[1411] You don't need a fucking walk -in closet.

[1412] You're enough.

[1413] Thank you for not putting that judgment on me. That was fun.

[1414] Thank you for sharing that.

[1415] That was radical.

[1416] I appreciate that so much.

[1417] That was a dynamite story.

[1418] Thank you guys so much.

[1419] I was with my daughter this weekend, and when the emails came through from Emma, I started cracking up, and she was like, what is going to be on?

[1420] I'm like, I am going to be on Armchair Anonymous.

[1421] And she's like, this is like Christmas for you.

[1422] And I'm like, yeah, it is.

[1423] It's so fantastic.

[1424] So thank you guys so much.

[1425] Believe me, my mom's got four or five knockout stories of a public of a. evacuation.

[1426] Should we call her?

[1427] She really should be on this.

[1428] She's even got a sane in our house, which is Green Dress Syndrome.

[1429] Oh.

[1430] That's like code for pooping your pants because my mother was once wearing a green dress.

[1431] Maybe that's the hashtag.

[1432] Oh.

[1433] Hashtagging green dress syndrome.

[1434] If you pooped and orgasmed at the same time.

[1435] Okay.

[1436] Yeah.

[1437] It's a little weird because it's my mom is the root of it.

[1438] If you've come all running, right, hashtag I love Laura Lebeau.

[1439] All right.

[1440] All right.

[1441] Well, so nice meeting you.

[1442] Good luck with everything.

[1443] Nice meeting you guys as well.

[1444] Thank you.

[1445] All right.

[1446] Take care.

[1447] Bye.

[1448] Bye.

[1449] That was fun.

[1450] That was unexpected.

[1451] I've really enjoyed that.

[1452] All right.

[1453] Bye.

[1454] Bye.

[1455] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1456] We don't have a theme song.

[1457] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1458] So here I go, go, go.

[1459] We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of armcherry's book it's and suggestions on the flyer rindish on the flyer rindish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.