214 - Live at the Davies Symphony Hall in San Francisco (2018)

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Space Station in here.

[2] We come out to a fully lit audience.

[3] Just every, every smiling face that we can see, except for that one over there, that's not that cool.

[4] A couple grumps in the audience tonight.

[5] I thought the symphony was playing.

[6] Season ticket holder.

[7] Does everyone have their lid on their drink tight?

[8] Careful.

[9] Don't.

[10] Please be careful.

[11] Mrs. Davies will be so pissed if you spill your drinks all over her precious, precious symphony hall.

[12] This is so exciting to be here.

[13] I don't think they've had anyone like us before here.

[14] I actually think that they had a podcast festival here last spring.

[15] No. They don't know what podcasts are, I'm sure.

[16] Usually when we play at these, like, venues that have bands and stuff, they'll be like all these signatures on the wall and Sharpie and nobody cares.

[17] It's graffiti time.

[18] Everyone, you know, there's like a Long Island Medium graffiti.

[19] Yeah, sure.

[20] We had that one time.

[21] Uh -huh, and all these bands.

[22] And this time it's like really lovely framed, signed photos, black and white, of people with their really expensive instruments and their years and years and decades of training.

[23] Sacrifice.

[24] Sacrifice.

[25] Sacrifice.

[26] Training.

[27] Never got to go to birthday parties.

[28] Never got to go ice skating.

[29] Yeah.

[30] Violin.

[31] Violin.

[32] Violin.

[33] That's right.

[34] And then there's us.

[35] But I did train for over a year and a half at the gap up on market and that was crazy just the folding and the folding and the repetitive folding I am two blocks away I feel like this is one of those we have these moments often with this podcast of that like can you believe we and now we're it's like that thing and this is definitely one of them because I worked two blocks away waiting tables in 2006 sometimes washing dishes when it got crazy and someone didn't show up too and a lot of the people who I would wait on is like a nice restaurant and so a lot of them were really rich stuffy old people who were going to come to the symphony after.

[36] Yes that's right.

[37] And so I better hurry the fuck up and serve them their fucking food.

[38] Get them their gin Ricky right now.

[39] Right.

[40] And a grasshopper right.

[41] Drinks you've never heard of.

[42] Exactly.

[43] They all wanted to ask pick for some reason.

[44] We don't have that here.

[45] It's not that kind of restaurant.

[46] Well, I demand beef aspect.

[47] And I'd have to go make it.

[48] Yeah.

[49] You just, I was also the chef now.

[50] What kind of job did you take?

[51] In this story, I'm also the chef.

[52] I love this story.

[53] What kind of restaurant was it?

[54] Like, what kind of food?

[55] It was like modern American cuisine.

[56] It was really fancy.

[57] It was really good.

[58] So like just a ton of rosemary on everything?

[59] Everything had rosemary.

[60] There were foams, you know, flavored foams.

[61] Fomes?

[62] Oh yeah, that's all the rage.

[63] Just like you scored out some some, like, lime foam, and you're like, there you go, dinner.

[64] It would be, like, some foam that's supposed to taste like a thing that you could have just, like, mushroom foam, so you could have just put mushrooms on it, but instead you spent 18, you know, hours making a foam that tastes like mushrooms.

[65] Sorry, is it, like, mushrooms blended into shaving cream type of thing?

[66] It's exactly right.

[67] Unscented shaving cream with...

[68] An umami.

[69] There's, like, an idea of umami, you know, like a childhood memory of umami in the food.

[70] That.

[71] Yeah.

[72] And it only cost $48 for the plate.

[73] Well, then, sign us all up.

[74] Foam.

[75] I swear to God, when she said foam, I was like, I can't hear what she's saying.

[76] Something's wrong with the stage monitors.

[77] It sounds like foam.

[78] Anyway, go ahead.

[79] This is, I understand.

[80] I never waited tables.

[81] I just, once I worked at the gap, I was like, I'm done with working.

[82] This is bullshit.

[83] No way.

[84] It never suited me. Never suited me. I went straight to comedy, the lazy man's career.

[85] Just like, I'm gonna not work all day and then suffer terribly for 15 minutes every night and see where it gets me. Barely, gets you to the fucking symphony.

[86] That's my new program at the DeVry University.

[87] I'm just gonna be like, so you go get a job at the gap.

[88] Yeah.

[89] Gap, comedy, comedy, symphony.

[90] Symphony, and then, you know, whatever you want.

[91] You can fill in the blank.

[92] Success.

[93] Success.

[94] A lot of Calgariv's here tonight, including Karen's dad.

[95] That's right.

[96] He can't.

[97] Where are you looking?

[98] Yeah, you guys are all looking around.

[99] They're all looking around.

[100] Whatever you're yelling, stop doing that.

[101] We're at the Davies fucking Symphony Hall.

[102] Class.

[103] For Christ sake.

[104] Be fucking classy already.

[105] That can be classy.

[106] Also, we can't understand anything you say anyway.

[107] Neither can her dad.

[108] Can't hear us, probably.

[109] That's why all the Fs and the Ss are flying so freely, because he can't hear it.

[110] Yes, my father is a retired San Francisco fireman.

[111] He dedicated his life.

[112] I'm going to really milk this.

[113] He hates shit like this so much.

[114] He dedicated, he risked his life for this city on a daily basis.

[115] For every one of you.

[116] For every, before you were born, for your parents, for your parents, parents.

[117] He's very old.

[118] All throughout the 70s, the man put his life on the line maybe 20 minutes a day, much like me. And then he also, they made some really nice dinners for each other, and they watch movies.

[119] And that's where we found out that they said awe.

[120] You know that if you've ever, I'm sure many of you are related to San Francisco Fireman or you know one or two, they're amazing cooks, because they have to be, because the peer pressure is so bad, if you make a shitty dinner, they'll beat you up.

[121] It will not fly.

[122] Wow, I didn't know there's so much aggression going on in a fire fighting world.

[123] Well, you know how they're with the steroids.

[124] Accusations flying.

[125] I love it.

[126] He can't answer.

[127] I have a mic, and he doesn't.

[128] Yeah.

[129] So anyway, he was a terrible steroid user for a lot of my life.

[130] But here's the thing that would happen.

[131] At the firehouse, they had cake.

[132] television of course because they're all adults and they want to enjoy themselves and that's why we never got it we lived out in the country in Petaluma five miles out of town where there was sure they're all here everybody cheers for Petaluma now no no I'm not asking you to I'm accusing you being hypocrites because I remember a time when everybody laughed at Petaluma but because my dad had cable in the Firehouse, when we, who got three channels, KTVU, and then, right, there's only one, too, and love it.

[133] Two other ones, like 10 and 5 or whatever, no, five and eight.

[134] So we'd be like, Dad, can we please get cable and be like, no, you don't need it.

[135] We have it in the firehouse.

[136] It's no good.

[137] So tonight, instead of doing the murders, we're just going to all watch cable TV together.

[138] We're going to watch Cinemax.

[139] Yeah.

[140] There's someone in the audience.

[141] This might be the first time ever that I have punched before.

[142] What?

[143] This is just a night of stars.

[144] It's a cavalcade of audience stars.

[145] I have two cousins here, and they're lovely wives who got the fuck out of L .A. So smart of them.

[146] It's up, guys.

[147] And they fucking latered here.

[148] Love it here.

[149] And one of my cousins, when I was a kid, Mitch, I'm fucking talking to you.

[150] See you.

[151] She's naming names.

[152] Mitchie, Goddammit.

[153] It's so hilarious to watch everyone turn around and try to figure out who they are.

[154] Mitchie was Hellion, a Vildechai, we say in Hebrew.

[155] Oh, really?

[156] Yeah, in Yiddish.

[157] Vildechai?

[158] Vildechai.

[159] It's like a wild person.

[160] Wow.

[161] And he I'm spitzing.

[162] I do love him because once he held my brother down and farted on his face.

[163] And my brother was a dick and deserved it.

[164] But once he, like at a Hanukkah party, He locked me in their, you know, I was probably the most obnoxious, annoying child ever.

[165] We don't know.

[166] I was.

[167] But he locked me in the shower, like the, what's it called?

[168] You know, the sliding glass shower.

[169] And I was so angry and screaming.

[170] And when it opened, I just punched.

[171] Oh, wait, I just realized I punched your dad, not you.

[172] What?

[173] I haven't punched you.

[174] You thought it was him.

[175] And his dad's like the sweetest man you've ever met.

[176] Why do you lock you in the shower then?

[177] He didn't.

[178] He locked me in the shower.

[179] and his dad opened the door, I punched and hit my uncle right in the stomach.

[180] And he went straight to the hospital?

[181] Yeah, and he's never, your favorite murder?

[182] That's right.

[183] This is my favorite murder, by the way.

[184] The two -crime.

[185] This is Karen Kiel.

[186] This is Georgia Hart Stark.

[187] This is the symphony.

[188] We're very, very proud to be here with you.

[189] When my dad got here, he goes, are they going to fill these seats up too?

[190] I was like, I don't know how it's going to work.

[191] I really don't.

[192] Steven's not here today.

[193] Oh yeah, no Steven.

[194] No, Steven, sorry.

[195] He's home with my cats.

[196] My cats are watching Stephen, thankfully.

[197] Otherwise, man, he would just go crazy.

[198] He can just touch all the forks and stuff.

[199] You know, Stephen with the mustache and the weird behavior.

[200] Oh, yeah.

[201] That's right.

[202] Should you talk about your dress a little bit?

[203] Oh, I guess.

[204] Yeah.

[205] Thank you.

[206] it's literally ripping off my body this weekend did you bring a Kleenex out with you I did bring a Kleenex out with me because look at I made a pocket on my dress see when life gives you lemons shove Kleenex into your dress that's the old saying you know what about you tell about your dress oh well all I have to say is it has pockets good luck player oh no oh shit I guess baby she's turned into a Oh, the space work is going to be off the chain tonight at Davies Symphony Hall.

[207] We were like, I just need a place where I can act out some scenes and do some large gestures and really be understood.

[208] And they were like, we got a place for your Davies Hall.

[209] It's going to be amazing.

[210] But I want to see everyone's face in the audience while I do it.

[211] Yeah, exactly.

[212] I just want to see the disappointment on everyone's face.

[213] Does the symphony play to a completely lit audience?

[214] It's so weird.

[215] I don't know.

[216] How smart people do shit.

[217] Maybe they want to.

[218] Maybe rich people like looking at each other a bunch.

[219] Yes.

[220] While they perform, it seems weird.

[221] I know that sweater costs $500, like shit like that.

[222] We're like, oh, please, that's last season, Armani.

[223] Anyway, do -d -d -d -d -do -do -do -d -do -d -d -do.

[224] Vivaldi.

[225] What's that?

[226] What's that instrument you're playing?

[227] Do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do.

[228] Mozart, you've heard it.

[229] You know it.

[230] We know it.

[231] It's your favorite song.

[232] Easy.

[233] When I was in elementary school, you had to learn an instrument.

[234] they did a whole, you know, thing.

[235] Music?

[236] Yeah, yeah.

[237] You had to pick something, and all the, like, pretty little girls picked the flute and the violin and all these, like, lovely things.

[238] And I was, like, a nerd already, and, like, wasn't doing great for myself.

[239] It was just kind of awkward.

[240] And for some reason, I just wanted to double down on it.

[241] Sure.

[242] I picked the cello.

[243] Yeah.

[244] And so it was just, like, God, I have a photo somewhere of just this, like, tiny little thing.

[245] I was so little, and I was just like, cello, this will get me popular.

[246] It didn't work.

[247] Shocking.

[248] Have you and I ever talked about the time I lost a cello?

[249] I don't think so.

[250] Okay, because along the very same line of thinking, when I was in college, I'd never learned how to play an instrument formally.

[251] And so I was in the theater department, and there was a girl, Stephanie, who was also in the theater department with me. Stephanie.

[252] Stephanie was a stage manager.

[253] And she always used the word precarious.

[254] Please be careful of this area of the stage.

[255] It's very precarious.

[256] And you're just like, I am going to look that up when I get home.

[257] I'm going to talk to you about her tomorrow.

[258] You sound smart.

[259] And she also played the cello.

[260] And so I told her at one point, I was like, I've always wanted to play the cello.

[261] I don't know even know if that was true.

[262] I may have been drunk.

[263] And she was like, I'd love to give you cello lessons.

[264] And so she goes, you should use my practice.

[265] cello and then we'll meet.

[266] I think I had one lesson with her.

[267] And then timing wise, oh wait, Patty Riley, are you here?

[268] Are you?

[269] Yes.

[270] Maybe.

[271] So, I mean, okay, hi.

[272] Why are you way up there?

[273] You're my friend.

[274] Oh, you bought your own tickets.

[275] Um, Dan, Karen, the truth comes out.

[276] The truth comes out.

[277] She's my closest friend.

[278] I was like, sorry, you're on your own.

[279] So Patty Riley and I live together in this very depressing apartment in Sacramento and depressing.

[280] Depressing apartment.

[281] I have one cello lesson with Stephanie and then I take the cello and I put it in this hallway closet and then we move out from that super depressing apartment, yep, and we clean everything up and we have one day left and we leave a couple of bags of garbage in the kitchen and then we're like, okay, tomorrow we're going to take that, we're going to dump it, I'm going to take the cello, we'll move everything else.

[282] to the eventually the haunted house that we moved into which is the next house that's a different podcast I'll tell you later we go back the next day to dump the garbage the cello is gone no it's just gone and ghost a ghost cello player stole it garbage ghost I don't know what happened and when we went to like pay our final thing and talk to the person that worked there the person was just like yeah I don't know what to tell you I don't know there's no such thing as cellos There's no such thing as anybody going into your apartment a day early to clean it out and just taking what was there, which is what I wanted to accuse the person of, but I was 19, and I'd already had three keystone lights that day, so I didn't really, I wasn't the best advocate for myself at the moment.

[283] Fair, sure.

[284] So then she would call me over the summer and just be like, hey, can I get my cello back?

[285] And I'd be like, I am away.

[286] and I just kept making these weird excuses and finally she goes Did something happen with the cello?

[287] I'm honestly like over three months I put her off and then she was like What's going on?

[288] And I'm like look And this meanwhile cellos haunted me all through Sacramento I'm not kidding One day we walked into the mall And there was a mannequin in like that front window for Nordstrom And the mannequin was playing at cella That sounds like a dream.

[289] Patty Riley was just like Oh my God, this is crazy.

[290] This is over the top.

[291] It's playing somebody for a jam.

[292] And I'm in a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, hey, uh, so finally I said, I'll pay you.

[293] Yeah.

[294] I had zero dollars and 11 cents.

[295] Plenty of money to buy beer somehow, miraculously.

[296] Um, well, beer money is different than money, money.

[297] Right.

[298] And then, uh, the whole thing was just kind of unresolved.

[299] Should we stand?

[300] Never paid her, never talked about it.

[301] Stephanie, I miss you.

[302] It's sit down.

[303] It's sit -down time.

[304] Thank you.

[305] How much do you think of practice cello is worth?

[306] Like $800?

[307] I don't know.

[308] In today's money?

[309] $15 ,000?

[310] $15 million.

[311] Those expensive cellos.

[312] I'm going to get the tissue out of my dress.

[313] Yeah, you'll need it.

[314] And put it here.

[315] Perfect.

[316] Here.

[317] I need tiny waters, please.

[318] Very small.

[319] No label.

[320] We're endorsed.

[321] What if we had to put a lid on it?

[322] By Bigwater.

[323] Yeah.

[324] Mine was open.

[325] It could be drugged.

[326] Yay.

[327] Um...

[328] So crazy.

[329] So we don't have...

[330] Oh, this is a true crime comedy podcast.

[331] Yeah.

[332] We told you.

[333] Oh, we like to do...

[334] This is a light disclaimer that we like to do at the beginning.

[335] Most of you are here because you listen to the podcast.

[336] Thank you so much.

[337] Or you're related.

[338] to us and you were forced to be here.

[339] That's right.

[340] Or you're a drag -along, which is someone you are married or in partnership with someone who listens.

[341] You do not listen.

[342] You do not care.

[343] You don't understand.

[344] But you got a really nice dinner.

[345] You got a nice dinner out of it and you're like, it can't be that bad.

[346] It's what a murder mystery show?

[347] Right.

[348] It can't be that bad.

[349] It'll be fine, but still just total and utter confusion.

[350] I like NPR podcasts.

[351] Maybe I'll like this one.

[352] No, you want.

[353] I don't know.

[354] I'm open -minded.

[355] I'll give it a try.

[356] No, you're not.

[357] sometimes it's difficult for people because true crime, these are horrible stories of human loss.

[358] And it's stories about the worst of humankind.

[359] And so it's very awful oftentimes.

[360] It's very upsetting.

[361] It's depressing.

[362] But then simultaneously, parallel to that, George and I, the way we talk to each other, is comedic.

[363] And we can be jokey and lighthearted to each other conversationally while we talk.

[364] about those things, not about those things necessarily, but kind of during.

[365] And so that can be a very complex combination for some people.

[366] It can be a challenging and maybe sometimes offensive combination to some people.

[367] And so to those people, we just sincerely want to say, get the fuck out right now, please.

[368] Truly.

[369] Take a nice nap, that's fine too.

[370] If you want to conk out for about 90 minutes, great.

[371] Just overall, we don't want to hear about it.

[372] Yeah, yeah.

[373] Okay.

[374] You want to go first?

[375] I think I'm going first.

[376] Okay.

[377] Based on last night.

[378] Based on the past we've lived.

[379] Sometimes we try to change it for the recordings you guys have heard, but then we're like, but we also exist.

[380] Right.

[381] In this world.

[382] Do we?

[383] I mean, are we?

[384] This is a dream.

[385] Are you asleep at Gap right now?

[386] And this is all a dream?

[387] I folded down a sweater wall and I fell on the sleep on the ground, as I was often want to do.

[388] Exactly.

[389] I knew I'd never be a pay -setter.

[390] That's why I didn't try.

[391] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[392] Absolutely.

[393] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[394] Exactly.

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[409] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[410] Goodbye.

[411] Okay.

[412] The story I'm going to do you tonight is the phosphorescent bride of Dr. J. Milton Bowers.

[413] What's that?

[414] Spooky Halloween.

[415] Patty Riley got a. card once that said spooky Halloween.

[416] And so then that's all we would say in the holiday season is spooky Halloween.

[417] Love it.

[418] And now it's ours.

[419] Sorry Patty.

[420] We steal everything from all of our friends.

[421] Okay, so there is a series in the Chronicle, at least there was in 2015.

[422] I don't know if he's still doing it now by a writer named Gary Camia and it was called Portals of the Past.

[423] And basically he would go in and find these really cool historical stories that things that happen in San Francisco, you know, a hundred years ago or, you know, 15 years ago, and basically just do these features on it.

[424] And it's a trazier trove of good stories.

[425] Seriously, if you're ever looking for a murder, it's really good.

[426] Stephen, mark this, please.

[427] Copy and post this entire conversation and then email it to us later.

[428] So thank you, Gary Cam, Yeah, because basically I found this story because of this article that he wrote about it.

[429] But then there's also a very, I didn't see what year the book was published.

[430] It feels like the way it was written, that it was like 1900.

[431] It was by, or could have been this week.

[432] It's a book called Celebrated Criminal Cases in America, and it's by a man named Thomas Duke.

[433] And so he also, it seemed like it was much more closer to the event, because there was tons more detail, but it was a whole book.

[434] No, Gary, I'm not shitting on you.

[435] Okay.

[436] So, we start in July of 1885.

[437] Oh, that's a long time ago.

[438] Over a hundred years ago.

[439] Okay.

[440] Spooky Halloween.

[441] The Arcade House at 930 Market Street is the home and office of one Dr. J. Milton Bowers.

[442] Today it's that payless shoe source that's right by the cable car turnaround.

[443] same spot okay we're all there but he's like I can see it in my mind's eye payless but it's not the same building as the payless shoes source it's now it's all weird and triangular and modern you saying payless is haunted yes cool it's haunted with great prices everybody get on down truly horrifying okay 29 year old cecilia bowers isn't feeling well as the Pass, she just gets worse and worse.

[444] She's in terrible pain.

[445] Her body starts to swell, and her face starts to swell all over, and she starts having convulsions.

[446] And even though her husband is a doctor, as she gets sicker, her mother shows up and insists that other doctors be brought in to see her.

[447] They believe that she has an obsessed liver, but all the medicine that they're treating her with isn't working.

[448] Because it's 18, whatever, and it's cocaine.

[449] It's all cocaine.

[450] It's just like...

[451] They just dissolve a bunch of cocaine in water and they're like, take three tinctures of this every 20.

[452] Why isn't she getting better?

[453] We're giving her so much cocaine.

[454] She's just smoking and talking about opening a restaurant.

[455] Oh, well.

[456] Those are the symptoms of having an abscess liver.

[457] Just playing in a jam band, whatever.

[458] Uh -huh.

[459] Okay.

[460] So two months after, on November 1, 1885, she dies.

[461] The doctor's claim, There is nothing about Cecilia's death that appears to be suspicious.

[462] And it's reported that as at his wife's deathbed, Dr. J. Milton Bowers gives every appearance of grief and despair.

[463] I love when people get credit for just doing the absolute bare minimum human response.

[464] What a champion.

[465] He seems sad that his incredibly young wife died.

[466] What a saint.

[467] Okay.

[468] So let's talk about Dr. J. Milton Bowers.

[469] First of all, I feel like that name tells you everything.

[470] If you, if someone has an initial first, they're a dick.

[471] It's 85 % of the time, 85 % of the time.

[472] No one here, but.

[473] Of course not hard and fast.

[474] There's always margin for error.

[475] Do you think it's because, like, they're trying to make people curious about what the, like, we don't care.

[476] Oh, what's the J stand for?

[477] And it's like, well, just change your name to J then.

[478] Right.

[479] Or maybe, yeah, they're lonely and they're just trying to break the ice.

[480] Sure.

[481] I was like, well, my name is Jay Milton Mowers, if you want to ask me about that.

[482] I don't know.

[483] That must peak your curiosity, right?

[484] Right.

[485] The J stands for just so boring.

[486] So, anytime married lady dies, we know the husband did it.

[487] Right.

[488] So let's take a look at 45 -year -old Dr. J. Milton Bowers.

[489] He's a moderately successful, and they call him rather nondescript doctor, with, quote, no known vices, which you can translate into a shit ton of unknown vices.

[490] He's good at hiding his shit, basically.

[491] Exactly.

[492] As they were, I mean, everybody was back then, no social media.

[493] 1800s, Pailishu's source.

[494] He was born in Baltimore in 1843 at the age of 16.

[495] He travels to Berlin to study medicine, quote, but not as a matriculated student.

[496] What does that mean?

[497] He just, like, freelance went to Germany to be a doctor just to, like, just collect up information on his own around town.

[498] I have no idea what it means.

[499] The first, number one, give cocaine for everything.

[500] Yeah, exactly.

[501] Wrap people's entire heads and bandages and send them on their way.

[502] Maybe it meant he audited all his classes, and they were just like, sorry, you're going to have to take some tests if you want to be a doctor, and he's like, nope, and get it all right up here.

[503] Don't you worry about J. Miltie.

[504] Okay.

[505] So 20 years later, in 1863, he comes on back to America to serve in the Civil War.

[506] Thank you for your service, you wife -murdering bastard.

[507] I don't know if he was a doctor in the Civil War.

[508] I don't know what he served as.

[509] He was undescript in the Civil War.

[510] That's right.

[511] Just kind of a vague guy standing on the side, playing the banjo.

[512] So two years after that, he settles in Chicago and he marries a gal by the name of Miss Fannie Hammett.

[513] No one's named Fannie anymore.

[514] No. They live and love together.

[515] I wrote that in wedded bliss.

[516] For eight years, then in 1873, Fannie dies mysteriously.

[517] Oh, my God.

[518] That's so sad for J. Melt.

[519] Now, it is 1873, and so you have, to remember this is back when you can dive like a small cut on your finger or inhaling or any number of things like that.

[520] Everyone, truly I looked it up.

[521] The life expectancy was 40 years old.

[522] Great.

[523] Let's get those 40 years.

[524] That sucks.

[525] Right?

[526] People lived large back then because they were like guys, I'm on a clock.

[527] As we all are.

[528] Anyhow.

[529] Oh, I recently saw a post on Twitter.

[530] There's a Twitter account called 41 Strange, that's very cool.

[531] And they just posted this thing.

[532] Apparently, in the Victorian era, they used to dye dresses.

[533] If it was a green dress, they used dye that was arsenic -based.

[534] Cool.

[535] And so if you bought a green dress and wore it around, you were slowly being poisoned with arsenic.

[536] Man, they just loved doing stupid shit back then.

[537] Yeah, they did.

[538] Truly.

[539] They were just like, can someone invent bleach?

[540] We'd love to fold that into our every day.

[541] So that's just painting a picture of the kind of danger that's all around.

[542] Directly after Jay Milton Bauer's beloved wife, Fannie dies, he moves to New York City and immediately marries a beautiful young actress named Teresa Shirk.

[543] How did they meet?

[544] Oh, she was his patient in Chicago.

[545] We suspect a bit of overlapping there.

[546] A year later, Milties in poor health, so they decide they're going to, as it said in the article, take a steamer to San Francisco, which then I picture a boat just going straight through the Midwest, just the hugest boat, just digging through the dirt on the planes.

[547] In our cartoon version of this, it's just like, just buffalo chewing and looking like, oh my God, you have to get these things out of here.

[548] I should not let them drive boats through here.

[549] They're ruining this country.

[550] So they steamed over.

[551] Set up shop in San Fran.

[552] I'm trying to find my place.

[553] And seven years later, the second Mrs. Bowers dies mysteriously at the Palace Hotel.

[554] Dude, stopping so obvious about murdering all your wives.

[555] He didn't have to be.

[556] He was just, you know, he was doing it up.

[557] He was a doctor.

[558] Everyone trusts a doctor.

[559] He was a doctor.

[560] Oh, my God.

[561] I bet he was also tall.

[562] is one of those things where they're just like, oh, he's got it.

[563] No, whatever he says is exactly what happened.

[564] Probably had a monocle with the J. You know, he had some man accessory that was like, well, let's see.

[565] I didn't murder her.

[566] And everyone's like, great.

[567] Write it down, recorded as law.

[568] What I kind of like, though, is she dies at the Palace Hotel, which is, it's a, you know, it's a San Francisco landmark, a very beautiful place to go there for high tea and what have you.

[569] My grandmother, my grandma Grace, that was her.

[570] standard of living.

[571] So like when we were little, me and my sister were little, if you were doing something, like if you ate your food with your hands or something, she'd look over and go, you wouldn't get away with that at the Palace Hotel.

[572] Really?

[573] Yes, constantly.

[574] I love that.

[575] That's what it always was, where it was like, if your clothes were kind of sloppy, she'd be like, oh, you couldn't wear that to the Palace Hotel.

[576] We were always aiming for the Palace Hotel.

[577] We should have stayed there.

[578] I couldn't.

[579] I couldn't deal with it.

[580] They wouldn't let us in anyway.

[581] I just sit in my room combing my hair over.

[582] I gotta make it.

[583] The ghost of your grandma comes in just to scowl at you and be like, Karen.

[584] Honey.

[585] Honey.

[586] She was great.

[587] She was the one she was a flapper in the 20s, so she had all these sayings that didn't make sense.

[588] So if you were like, walked by her, you were wearing a red shirt, she'd go, um, red attracts.

[589] But it's like, I'm five.

[590] I'm five.

[591] she's like yeah that's how old you worked to be married back then get ready get that man lamb that man girl also she go yella yella catch a fella and be like what is this about and she never drove and if you if like somebody asked her oh you know do you drive she go i couldn't drive a nail she had like it was like she had a script she just had scripted lines all the time and she used to when my dad would make her a drink my dad would go grace would you like what would you like to drink?

[592] And she go, I'll have a highball, make it light.

[593] You can't make a highball light.

[594] It's two different spirits mixed together.

[595] It's impossible to do.

[596] Truly, this is what I'm striving to be one day.

[597] You can.

[598] You can.

[599] In a vintage house dress.

[600] Yes.

[601] Oh my God.

[602] Amazing.

[603] Get really good at playing old maid.

[604] She play old maid with you and just pull the old maid all the way up and let it.

[605] It's your turn.

[606] And then you could just pick it and win.

[607] It's the best.

[608] Oh, wait, I just realized she didn't want to play anymore.

[609] Shoot.

[610] Oh, my God.

[611] All right, I'll work that out in therapy next week.

[612] It's fine.

[613] It's fine.

[614] We're talking about the death of J. Milton Bowers' second wife.

[615] Mysterious.

[616] Yes.

[617] And at the Palace Hotel.

[618] So sad.

[619] Here we are.

[620] She dies, and my grandma leans in.

[621] Oh, let's make it at the Palace.

[622] Oh, we're here.

[623] I guess I was wrong.

[624] Wrong that time.

[625] Excuse me. It doesn't apply to everything.

[626] So on July 18th, 1881, six months after his second wife dies mysteriously, Dr. Bowers marries his third wife, Cecilia Ben Heyon.

[627] She's the one who was dying at the beginning of the story.

[628] Oh, it all comes around.

[629] Yeah, we're coming back around.

[630] So she herself had been married once before to a man named Sylvie and Levy.

[631] They had a daughter named Tilly, but they got divorced, didn't save.

[632] what the circumstances were, but it did, quote, cause her to earn an unenviable reputation.

[633] Oh.

[634] Oh, I'm sorry.

[635] Slut.

[636] So, so when old Jay Milton rolls up, dressed like the Monopoly Man, which is what I have, the picture I have in my mind, she's like, thank God, get me out of here.

[637] So, one moment, please.

[638] Okay.

[639] So in public, Jay Milton Bauer seems to be the perfect husband.

[640] He's doting.

[641] He is very, very attentive.

[642] But it turns out that at home he was actually a brutal wife -beater and a total asshole, as you are not surprised to hear.

[643] Oh, no. In fact, when Cecilia's mother heard that she was, her daughter was going to be to marry him, that she was engaged and going to marry him, she actually told Cecilia, She forbade the marriage.

[644] And, of course, then Cecilia, you know, she is.

[645] She was like, too bad, see it later.

[646] And she cuts herself out from her family.

[647] Don't do that.

[648] And goes and marries the old doctor.

[649] Shit.

[650] So she doesn't see her, she hasn't seen her mother for a long time.

[651] I don't know exactly how long.

[652] So I just thought I'd cover it with a very generalized representation of time.

[653] A long time.

[654] Just picture calendar months falling off.

[655] the calendar, January, February.

[656] Oh, my family.

[657] But then when she gets really sick and she starts swelling and having convulsions, her mother shows up, of course.

[658] Oh, and she was someone that's like, get this fucking husband doctor out of here.

[659] Yes, she's like, some real fucking doctor.

[660] You've done enough.

[661] Thank you, Milton.

[662] He's like, it's Jay Milton.

[663] When her mother gets there, Cecilia is so swollen cheat that her mother doesn't recognize her.

[664] It's so, she's so, looks so bad.

[665] And the mother says to Dr. Bowers, she's clearly dying.

[666] Like, what are you doing?

[667] And he was like, oh, no, she's actually on the mend.

[668] I planned a trip to the country for her next weekend.

[669] Swelling is a good sign.

[670] And we all know that now, because it's modern times.

[671] When you swell, you're on the mend.

[672] Yeah, you couldn't be healthier.

[673] Right.

[674] So I'm sure as he told her that story, the mother's like, okay, like freaking.

[675] out and so scared of him.

[676] But of course, the condition worsens.

[677] They bring in a Dr. Martin of Oakland.

[678] He suspects it's arsenic poison.

[679] It's, yes, he was there.

[680] Oakland in the 1880s.

[681] Imagine.

[682] Just gorgeous fields.

[683] He says it's arsenic poison.

[684] Miltie tells him, in fact, she's suffering from an abscess of the liver.

[685] And because he's a doctor, then the second doctor's like, oh, I guess the first doctor knows.

[686] So then he starts giving her medicine for what you would take for obsessive liver.

[687] Cocaine.

[688] Thank you for pointing at me. You say cocaine.

[689] But when Dr. Martin brings the medicine, then Dr. Bowers takes it away.

[690] It magically turns into arsenic.

[691] And then comes out and he's the only one that can actually administer it to her.

[692] So on the Sunday before Cecilia dies, her aunt and cousin comes.

[693] over to see her, but soon after they get there, he rushes into the room, yelling, get out, I allow no one to see my wife, and throws them out of the house.

[694] So not suspicious in any way.

[695] And then they find out the family finds out that Cecilia has taken out a $17 ,000 life insurance policy on herself, as you do.

[696] What's that in today's money?

[697] You want to do a guess?

[698] 1 .2 million.

[699] It's half a million.

[700] Damn it.

[701] But look, great try.

[702] Thank you.

[703] When her family tries to add a policy to benefit Cecilia's daughter, because they all know she's going to die, and they're like, well, at least she can be covered.

[704] Of course, Milton refuses, because God forbid you do a decent human thing.

[705] So Cecilia Bowers, as we know, she died on November 1st, 1885, the very next day.

[706] A mysterious man goes to the corner of his office and announces that Cecilia Bowers just died at the arcade house, Palosius Stores, and that there are suspicious circumstances and that her death should be looked into and then he just leaves and disappears.

[707] No one knows who the man was.

[708] A ghost.

[709] A different article.

[710] It's a ghost this time?

[711] This time, I'm not kidding.

[712] This time it's the warning ghost.

[713] Yeah.

[714] It's the palest warning ghost.

[715] You know.

[716] The purses, they're on sale.

[717] I also read in a different article that the coroner actually received an anonymous letter, but I think it's way better.

[718] that like a guy runs into the coroner's office, like, attention everybody, there's suspicious circumstances.

[719] Well, there hasn't been suspicious circumstances around here for 25 years.

[720] And then the man goes up and smoke.

[721] So, the coroner's name is Dr. C .C. O'Donnell.

[722] Now I feel bad because apparently everybody has a goddamn initial before their name.

[723] He heads over to the arcade house.

[724] He finds Dr. Bauer's sitting in the room with Cecilia's dead body.

[725] He explains that he is, there to look into the death that he's had a report that it's a suspicious death.

[726] And Dr. Bowers says to him, well, our funeral's tomorrow, and I'm not going to let your investigation interfere with the services.

[727] Great.

[728] So he's like, what you have to?

[729] I'm the coroner.

[730] Yeah.

[731] I don't know if that happened.

[732] But what happens is Dr. Bowers buries his wife without the corner getting to do it.

[733] So then the corner has to go and get the body exempt.

[734] He's like, I'm doing the autopsy friend.

[735] So then on November 10th, 1885, the Chronicle reports that when the autopsy's performed, there is no abscess on her liver, but there is a smell of phosphorus coming from her internal organs.

[736] So they put her stomach into a jar, and then they take the jar into a dark room, and her stomach is glowing in the dark.

[737] What if all the lights went out right now?

[738] And then a stomach rose from under the stage.

[739] Avenge my death.

[740] Oh, my God.

[741] That's so creepy.

[742] It's so good.

[743] Bad.

[744] It's horrible.

[745] So they conclude that Cecilia Bowers has died of phosphorus poisoning.

[746] Or that her stomach's haunted.

[747] Or likes to go to raves.

[748] something.

[749] So Dr. J. Milton Bowers is arrested and charged with murder.

[750] His trial begins in April of 1886, and the prosecutor says at the beginning that he will prove that the nurse who was brought in to tend to Mrs. Bowers was actually colluding with Dr. Bowers and helping him poison her, and that their maid, Teresa Farrell, was also in on the act and lying for the doctor and covering for the doctor.

[751] Are they all boning or something?

[752] I mean, I hate to think of a late 80s group sex situation.

[753] Oh, yeah.

[754] So many undergarments to get through.

[755] It would take hours and hours.

[756] So Dr. Bowers, it maintains his innocence throughout.

[757] He explains to the court that he's a doctor.

[758] And any doctor knows that there are so many other poisons that you can poison your wife with besides phosphorus that aren't traceable.

[759] So why in the hell would he use phosphorus?

[760] For example, my other two wives.

[761] You might want to check them, and then we can name those poisons.

[762] He also says he didn't need the insurance money, so he has no motive, and you're all fools, fools, I say, and then he threw his monocle down on the ground, stepped on it, crushed it, walked away.

[763] Cool.

[764] That was all off the record.

[765] The prosecution tells the jury, not only that Bowers is not the cool, calm professional, he appears to be, he's a wife -beater, who boasted about his extramarer.

[766] affairs to his wife and when she threatened to divorce him he told her that no woman could divorce him because he was a doctor and he had ways of getting rid of her great he also claims that dr. Bowers was planning on marrying a woman from San Jose and that she was already I went to court reporting school there did you did you love it so much I loved it so much that I moved to Los Angeles shortly after that's really saying something San Jose because Los Angeles sucks.

[767] Okay.

[768] They say that the proof that he was planning to marry this woman in San Jose is that she was already preparing her trousseau.

[769] I didn't look it up.

[770] Undergarments.

[771] I pictured as a huge headdress for some reason.

[772] But my trousseau's almost ready.

[773] Don't tell me my husband's a murderer.

[774] I can't wait to play that character in the film.

[775] He also told the jury that Dr. Bowers had done this before when he began courting Cecilia Bowers before his second wife was even dead.

[776] And Bowers was ardently defended by that nurse Mrs. Sezinging and has made Teresa Farrell, the beautiful young maid, Teresa Farrell.

[777] So the trial lasts six weeks it's the longest murder trial in San Francisco to date.

[778] Not today's date.

[779] The 1880s date.

[780] to that date the jury deliberates for 35 minutes and then they come back with a you know verdict thank you a verdict of first degree guilty of first degree murder there's literally no word there thank you it's haunted oh my God someone's told my word it's the ghost word it's the stomach taking the word verdict away.

[781] So he's sentenced to hang, although the judge was barely able to pronounce the sentence because he repeatedly broke into uncontrollable sobs.

[782] What?

[783] I don't know.

[784] Is he okay?

[785] He's not okay.

[786] Oh man. He was just like...

[787] Having a bad day?

[788] He was just really sad about having a guy hung, I guess.

[789] Okay.

[790] I looked it up.

[791] I can't find any information.

[792] This is pre -prose.

[793] Zach, when, like, judges just used to start crying.

[794] He's like, sorry, it's about something else.

[795] Just hold on once again.

[796] You imagine, everyone's like, take that wig off.

[797] It's wrong with you.

[798] Okay.

[799] So Dr. Bowers is sent to jail at the jail at Broadway and Kearney to await execution.

[800] Oh, sure.

[801] We know that one.

[802] Right, right next to the Palace Hotel.

[803] No, it's...

[804] Okay, so here's the twist.

[805] Okay.

[806] Ooh, there's a twist.

[807] Yeah.

[808] There's more of a twist.

[809] A year and a half after Dr. Bowers is convicted in October of 1887, a young man goes to a boarding house at 22 Gary Street and asks about renting a room.

[810] He's shown several rooms by the woman who owns the house, but he only likes room 21.

[811] And she says it's not available.

[812] It'll be available Saturday.

[813] And so he's like, sounds great.

[814] And he leaves.

[815] So then the next day, another young man shows up at that boarding house saying he heard room 21 would be available and can he rent it.

[816] And so she says, sure, fuck that other guy.

[817] He pays $5 deposit and he's given a key.

[818] And then a few days after that, a servant enters room 21 and finds the dead body of a young man. But it's not the guy that rented Room 21, and it's not the guy who asked about Room 21.

[819] It's Cecilia Bauer's 27 -year -old brother, Henry Ben Hayon.

[820] So the dead, the phosphorus stomach's brother.

[821] Brother.

[822] The person's brother is dead.

[823] Dead in this.

[824] Yes, in Room 21.

[825] Okay.

[826] They find him laid on top of the bed sheets.

[827] The bedclothes are not must in any way.

[828] there's a flask of whiskey next to him a bottle of cyanide and three letters one's written to the corner one's written to the press and one is written to Dr. J. Milton Bowers they're all signed by him it sounds like the beginning of one of those super irritating logic puzzles where you're just like...

[829] Who was the killer?

[830] I get it.

[831] The doctor is a woman you sex as pig I haven't heard this on it but no this really happened so in the coroner's letter that supposedly Henry wrote he confesses to murdering his own sister he says he planned to poison Dr. Bowers but then Cecilia found out about it and threatened to expose him so then he was like okay I'll just poison you instead great I say why not both so now Dr. Bowers attorneys are stoked and they're like our guys getting out of jail later days but everybody else the prosecutors the press everybody who's anybody in 1880 San Francisco knows that somehow Dr. Bowers has engineered this whole thing to exonerate himself.

[832] Shit.

[833] So the people who knew Henry said he was a cheerful man, he did not drink, and he was not suicidal in any way.

[834] In fact, he had just bought tickets to take his niece to the theater.

[835] So he, obviously, the suicide was not a plan in any way.

[836] Also, the handwriting did not match his.

[837] So they end up tracking down the mysterious young man who had rented room 21.

[838] And remember Teresa Farrell, the pretty young maid that was all up in everybody's business?

[839] It's her brother, 33 -year -old Thomas Dimmig.

[840] Dude.

[841] Right?

[842] Come on.

[843] Come on.

[844] Come on, Thomas.

[845] Don't be a dick.

[846] It's too late.

[847] He's been a dick for 150 years.

[848] He's arrested.

[849] He's charged with the murder of Henry Ben Hayon.

[850] it turns out Thomas Dimmig is a straight up dip shit he's like the detectives are like is this an act you're so stupid it doesn't make sense we can barely talk to you they're like actually kind of baffled by how dumb he is he tells police he rented room 21 because he has a book business and he was going to do his book business in a rooming house room for the weekend everyone knows you do a book business in a different kind of room.

[851] That's stupid.

[852] The cops are like, come on.

[853] We know.

[854] Maybe a more permanent room, like an office or something.

[855] The cops are like, dummy, you're longing.

[856] What are you doing?

[857] What did you do?

[858] And then he says, okay, I didn't want to tell you because I'm married, but I rented that room so I could have an affair with a woman from San Jose named Dimples.

[859] That's a dog.

[860] That's not a woman.

[861] Come to room.

[862] Okay.

[863] They don't like bestiality.

[864] humor.

[865] Who cares?

[866] So, oh, later on I did find in the older and kind of more thorough book that it said in that book that her name was Timpkins, not Dimples.

[867] But Dimples is so much better that I think we need to stick with that.

[868] So, when the case goes to trial, the prosecution shows that Thomas Deming had recently bought cyanide, that the flask found by Henry matched the one that he was known to carry, and that Henry had recently out of the blue gotten a writing job for a bookseller, even though he wasn't a good writer or smart.

[869] And his own friend testified at this trial saying, like, yeah, Henry told me he got a job writing, and I was super confused, and it seemed to really suspicious, and I was upset.

[870] And it was theorized by the prosecution that this was how Dimming got a sample of Henry's writing to forge the letters where he confessed to the murder of his own sister.

[871] After all of that proof, the jury is hopelessly deadlocked, seven voting for acquittal, five for conviction.

[872] So, Deming returns to jail to a new trial, and then the state Supreme Court grants Dr. Bowers.

[873] a new trial and then dimming gets acquitted and then eight months after that in August of 1889 the DA dismisses the murder case against Dr. Bowers in the light of the outcome of the dimming case saying it will be impossible now to get a conviction.

[874] Wait what?

[875] So he, Dr. J. Milton Bowers, walks free from jail.

[876] Yeah?

[877] And you know what that mother boy does?

[878] He moves to San Jose.

[879] Yeah, he does.

[880] And he marries a Miss Bird there.

[881] Someone named Miss Bird.

[882] 19 years later, he dies in 1905.

[883] Miss Bird, right?

[884] Miss Bird remained alive.

[885] So apparently they had a...

[886] Fourth one's a charm.

[887] As they always say.

[888] As they say in the medical field.

[889] And the last line of Gary Camia's article, he wrote, and so the mystery of the phosphores bride of Dr. Bowers will never be solved.

[890] Until tonight, he fucking did it.

[891] The end.

[892] And that's the story of Dr. J. Milton Bowers.

[893] Thank you.

[894] Thank you.

[895] And you know what?

[896] A special thank you to San Jose, California, for being there for me. You really took a hit on that one.

[897] It turns out we have a thing now that the more we talk shit on your city, the more likely we're going to bring Paul Holes there like we did for Sacramento on Friday.

[898] Sorry, he's not here.

[899] He's at home with Stephen taking care of the cat.

[900] That was amazing.

[901] I've never heard that somehow.

[902] I know it's insane.

[903] I'm going to need that website.

[904] Okay.

[905] Please, Stephen.

[906] www .w .wikipedia.

[907] Okay.

[908] Dot com or dot gov?

[909] Got gov. Got it.

[910] E -D -U.

[911] Okay, here we go.

[912] Let's escape from Alcatraz, everyone.

[913] Okay.

[914] Now, Stephen screwed up, didn't he?

[915] Yeah, he did.

[916] He forgot that I called this one last week.

[917] Then Karen called it the other night, and he forgot and told her she could do it.

[918] And then text me, was like, I told her she could do it.

[919] And then, like, waited for me to go, okay, I'll do something else.

[920] And I was like, tell her she can't fucking do it.

[921] It's only fair.

[922] It's only fair.

[923] Sadly, I was in the middle of watching the Clint Eastwood movie Escape from Alcatraz, and I was just like, I kind of just wanted to talk through this movie to people.

[924] So please feel free to interject at any time with shit I'm leaving out.

[925] Okay.

[926] I'm forgetting, because I didn't watch the film Escape from Alcatraz.

[927] It was a dramatized version.

[928] Right.

[929] Yeah, so, who knows?

[930] Let me give you, let's get a little bit of history first.

[931] 75, a Spanish Explorer, something.

[932] something in this place, San Francisco Bay, Isle Jala Alcatraz, meaning Island of the Pelicans.

[933] Over time, the official name became Alcatraz, and then...

[934] Pelican.

[935] Alcatraz Pelican.

[936] So in 1909, what was then of the fortress became demolished that had been there.

[937] A prison was built, and the prisoners had to fucking build it.

[938] What a bummer that probably was, right?

[939] Yes.

[940] Like, lock me up.

[941] Right as they, like, put in the last brick.

[942] Oh, okay, get in.

[943] No dinner.

[944] They wall themselves in.

[945] Bricked up.

[946] Right.

[947] They're like, we don't want to make a solitary confinement.

[948] Can we just have it be an open floor plan?

[949] Yeah.

[950] No. It's right.

[951] An escape from Alcatraz was considered impossible.

[952] So the U .S. government turned it into effect.

[953] Penitentiary for civilians, convicts, that they thought was especially dangerous, of course.

[954] So, and normally the only exit routes were death or the infirmary.

[955] And you're like, pass.

[956] And pass.

[957] Or getting out, I guess.

[958] Getting released.

[959] I don't know.

[960] Or there fire exits.

[961] I doubt it.

[962] So until it's closing in 1963, there were only 14 escape attempts from 36 different prisoners, 23 were caught, six were shot dead, two drowned, and the remaining five are thought to have drowned, either in the bay or swept out to sea.

[963] But there's also, of course, the prison's most legendary escape made famous in the film, that Clint Eastwood, the 1979 film Escape from Alcatraz.

[964] Let's talk about that.

[965] And that's not the one we're going to talk about tonight.

[966] No, that's not true.

[967] What if it wasn't?

[968] Just a big lead up.

[969] I want to talk about this guy, Eric.

[970] really pisses me off.

[971] Right.

[972] So let's start with the escapees.

[973] Frank Lee Morris was born in Washington, D .C. in September 1926.

[974] He's abandoned by his mother and father during his childhood.

[975] He's an orphan by the time he's 11, spends most of his formative years in foster homes.

[976] He's convicted of his first crime at 13, and by his late teens, he'd been arrested for crimes ranging from narcotics possession to armed robbery.

[977] Wow.

[978] Super bummer.

[979] He spends, let's see, he spends most of his early years in jail serving lunch to prisoners.

[980] So he's like a lunch man. Oh, that's nice.

[981] He had a love of food and cuisine.

[982] And slop.

[983] And slop.

[984] And slop.

[985] And ladles.

[986] He just loved to ladle things.

[987] Love those ladles.

[988] God, I love beef stroganoff and a ladle.

[989] He'd take a little sips from it.

[990] Sips for me. Sips for you.

[991] That's right.

[992] Shiv.

[993] Okay.

[994] And a shiv.

[995] And a shiv.

[996] As he got older, he got arrested for grand larceny in Miami Beach.

[997] He served time in Florida and George.

[998] And then he escaped from the Louisiana state penitentiary while serving 10 years for bank robbery.

[999] He was recaptured a year later while committing another burglary and sent to Alcatraz in 1960.

[1000] This fucking dude, though, ranked in the top 2 % of the general population in intelligence with an IQ of 133.

[1001] Whoa.

[1002] Especially for that time.

[1003] IQ of 133 nowadays is...

[1004] Oh, that's 562.

[1005] That's right.

[1006] You don't want to be anywhere near those people.

[1007] No, my God.

[1008] Read your mind and steal your wallet.

[1009] That's right.

[1010] Shiv.

[1011] And a shiv.

[1012] So, then there's Clarence and John Anglin, the Anglin brothers.

[1013] The Anglin for a bruising?

[1014] That's not a thing.

[1015] No, it's fun.

[1016] So Clarence was 33 and John was 32.

[1017] They were born into a family of 13 children in Georgia.

[1018] Sure.

[1019] Too many children.

[1020] My humble opinion.

[1021] Their parents were seasonal farm workers, and in the early 1940s, they moved the family to Ruskin, Florida, 20 miles south of Tampa.

[1022] Every June, they'd go here and there.

[1023] I don't know.

[1024] It doesn't matter.

[1025] You don't care about this family at all.

[1026] It's kind of whatever.

[1027] But the brothers were like inseparable.

[1028] They were a year apart, so they were hanging out and shit.

[1029] They were skilled swimmers, of course, and they would be able to swim the freezing lakes of Lake Michigan.

[1030] as ice still floated in the surface.

[1031] Okay.

[1032] Foreshadowing.

[1033] A great sign for those two.

[1034] Right.

[1035] And I bet like back then they were just these probably like muscle bound, you know, jokers.

[1036] I don't know.

[1037] They just sound, they sound fun.

[1038] They were muscular and they always loved to shake their finger in your face.

[1039] We're criminals.

[1040] So they were farmers and laborers.

[1041] Clarence was first caught breaking into a service station when he was 14, and they began robbing banks as a team in the early 1950s.

[1042] Usually places that were closed, and when they weren't closed, they'd use a toy gun because they didn't want to hurt anyone.

[1043] Oh.

[1044] I love when you can love the criminal.

[1045] I know.

[1046] Bank robbers.

[1047] Fun.

[1048] Cute.

[1049] Good swimmers.

[1050] That's right.

[1051] They probably had like, their pants went up to here and they had really tough, you know, muscular bodies.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] They like to shadow box a lot.

[1054] Right.

[1055] Put them up.

[1056] They smoked right until they went to sleep.

[1057] They claimed they only used a weapon once and it was a toy gun.

[1058] They were arrested in 1958 after.

[1059] robbing a bank in Alabama and both received 15 to 20 year sentences in Florida.

[1060] And then they had several failed escape attempts.

[1061] And so they were transferred to Alcatraz in 1960 and 61.

[1062] So then, and they knew this, our friend Smarty Pants, Frank, from Atlanta.

[1063] So they were all like buddies and shit.

[1064] And they were like, oh, my God, when they got to Alcatraz, a high five.

[1065] Through the bars.

[1066] Right.

[1067] That hadn't been invented yet, but I'm sure they would have high five.

[1068] It was probably like a 50s wink Yeah Or something 60s Oh a fake gun Yeah That's what they were all about Right That's right Don't be threatened Yeah No one's going to get hurt I mean it And then there was So it was the three of them That did the escaping But there was a fourth dude Who never made it And who ratted them all out So this There's always that dude Dude this guy He doesn't sound super smart Sorry if he is your relative.

[1069] His name was Alan West, and he had the education of an eighth grader, was born in New York City, and after these three dudes did their escape, he was like, what's up, FBI, I know everything.

[1070] And like, I'm going to tell you, like, immediately right of the mouth.

[1071] Snitch.

[1072] So here's what, here's what happened.

[1073] So the Smarty Pants, Frank, or Clint Eastwood, obviously.

[1074] He's not going to play no dummy.

[1075] I'd like to try the dumb guy as a roll.

[1076] I think I could dig into it.

[1077] A really hot dumb guy with his pants up to his nipples.

[1078] High pants dumb guy.

[1079] Yeah.

[1080] I'm tired of being a cowboy with a cigar.

[1081] Right.

[1082] I want to be dumb for why can I be dumb?

[1083] So at Alcatraz, there were 12 head counts a day and prison guards listening to every visitor contact and metal detectors so sensitive that they were what's set off by Al Capone's mother's corset lining.

[1084] Girl.

[1085] I know.

[1086] I like to picture that she looks exactly like Al Capone.

[1087] But with a little gray wig.

[1088] Yes.

[1089] Finger waves.

[1090] Why don't, it doesn't seem like they have that sensitive of metal detectors now.

[1091] No, they don't.

[1092] The airport should get those.

[1093] But then my corset that I always wear, you know.

[1094] My corset.

[1095] Oh, fuck that shit.

[1096] Okay, so.

[1097] And then they also didn't allow prisoners.

[1098] much exercise at all, so the prison was only 1 .5 miles offshore, but they were like, we're going to make you have scrawny arms, so you wouldn't be able to swim anyways.

[1099] Oh, that's kind of smart.

[1100] So what the guys did for their escape, the four men widen the vents in their 9 by 5 foot cells using canteen spoons.

[1101] So they did a count on the canteen knives after every meal, but they didn't count those old spoons.

[1102] Got to count those spoons.

[1103] That's right.

[1104] And you can rip that head off, shiv.

[1105] You know?

[1106] and then you just scrape the wall and the prison had been built like what year did I say again it was a long time ago 1868 1868 and so at that point with all the salt water and all the elements of you know the earth and shit wind fire everything was sort of falling apart and crumbling at that point so they would notice these cracks in the wall and they'd like stick their homemade shiv in there and be like oh shiv I can just holy shib Holy shit.

[1107] We're getting out of here.

[1108] That's right.

[1109] Thank you.

[1110] Okay.

[1111] So, and then they also found discarded saw blades that they had found in the prison grounds, which I feel like should have been picked up by maintenance.

[1112] What lazy woodworker?

[1113] That's right.

[1114] Just threw his sawblades on the ground.

[1115] And they had made a drill out of a broken vacuum cleaner motor.

[1116] Which is like, oh, that's smart.

[1117] You know what?

[1118] They earned it.

[1119] They earned it.

[1120] There's actually a lot of this story that I'm like, oh, that sounds like a fun show for like HGTV or something.

[1121] I would love that if it's like four college kids.

[1122] Now you have to skate from out of the dress, you dumb assholes.

[1123] That's right.

[1124] You'll never do it.

[1125] You can't walk seven feet without your phone.

[1126] That's right.

[1127] I'm including myself.

[1128] I'm including myself.

[1129] And then, okay, not only is our friend Frank Morris hot and smart.

[1130] This fucker can play the accordion.

[1131] No. Yeah.

[1132] How hot is that?

[1133] Mm -hmm.

[1134] Yes.

[1135] Lady of Spain.

[1136] I think that's how it goes, right?

[1137] I think so.

[1138] Did they let him have an accordion in jail?

[1139] They let, there was a music time in jail, you guys.

[1140] Oh, Alcatraz.

[1141] I know.

[1142] But imagine this.

[1143] So it was like after dinner and everyone went back to their cell and there'd be just an hour play the fuck whatever you want, but nobody, I don't think it was playing the same thing, so it's just this cacophony of fucking music and banjos.

[1144] I'm sure there was a cello.

[1145] Someone keeps going five, six, seven, eight.

[1146] Seriously, pick it up.

[1147] We're in G. Jerry, we're in G. E 'ho.

[1148] Ehole.

[1149] Lain of Spain.

[1150] The best.

[1151] So they would use that time of just seizure -inducing noise.

[1152] To dig, right?

[1153] And shit.

[1154] Wait, but Frank also played the accordion, so he, was he at music time, or he was like, oh my God, my finger hurt so bad?

[1155] You play my accordion for me. Well, I think they were, like, in the same cell block, so he would play it, too.

[1156] I don't know, maybe they loved his music so much that they let him play at other hours of the day, too.

[1157] I love that.

[1158] Okay.

[1159] Let's say the guards had a soft spot for the accordion.

[1160] Oh, who doesn't?

[1161] In our movie that we're making about this.

[1162] where there's a whole polka, intense polka nerd group in the wardens office.

[1163] Movies called Holy Shiv.

[1164] That's amazing.

[1165] Yes, absolutely.

[1166] So, okay, and then they also hid signs by making, so they would take the ventilator off and dig and shit, and so they made paper machet fucking ventilators that they painted in the, like, art room, I don't know.

[1167] This in color, I think it's called depressing gray.

[1168] And then put the fake paper machete.

[1169] Like, these guys are creative.

[1170] They're Martha Stewart.

[1171] Yes.

[1172] And I don't think she'd fucking escape from prison, did she?

[1173] No. She stayed.

[1174] She stayed.

[1175] Remember when that happened?

[1176] Yeah, she was in the big house.

[1177] What the fuck?

[1178] But I heard that she made delicious dinners in the microwave.

[1179] I'm not kidding.

[1180] Really?

[1181] Yes.

[1182] She, like, started doing a bunch of, she used her energy and wisely while she was there.

[1183] Love her.

[1184] She looks great in gray sweats.

[1185] depressing gray sweats so they made paper machet ventilation duct grills using magazines from the prison library and paint and then they also were like well they're supposed to be sleeping all night of course and so they need to look like they're in their bed so they made dummy heads from paper machet using a mixture of soap toothpaste the concrete dust that they were fucking from digging and toilet paper which is just like that's so creative No, they were crafty bitches.

[1186] They were Etsy style.

[1187] If it was today, they would have their own Etsy stores.

[1188] You know when your friends are like, that's right.

[1189] You know when your friends are like, Girls Night in, like, bring your favorite crafting thing and we'll craft together.

[1190] They would like sit around and watch Real Housewives or whatever.

[1191] That's what they were doing in my mind.

[1192] I bet they were best, best friends.

[1193] Best friends.

[1194] Such good friends.

[1195] When we get out of here, guys, we're going to open our own deli.

[1196] Deli.

[1197] Deli.

[1198] Next to the Payless shoe store.

[1199] Payless shoe store.

[1200] Damn it.

[1201] And we're going to have fun.

[1202] Hold on, can I just say that in my, pretty much the whole reason that I wanted to do this is because the picture of the paper mache head.

[1203] So they have it, there's one picture where they have it like basically mocked up of what it looked like every night.

[1204] I don't know if it exists that way in Altruz now, but then they also have it when they found that they were gone.

[1205] It is the best.

[1206] Like, they really look like Creole.

[1207] Because they also, they must have spent so much time on this, they also got hair clippings from the barbershop and made them hair.

[1208] They even gave them hair eyelashes.

[1209] So good.

[1210] Which is unnecessary, so you know they were enjoying it.

[1211] Yes.

[1212] You know what I mean?

[1213] That's right.

[1214] That's extra.

[1215] Eyebrows and lashes are unnecessary.

[1216] They're like, should I give mine just a five o 'clock shadow?

[1217] Just, you know, at the end of the day.

[1218] Frankie, I think that would look great.

[1219] I love that.

[1220] I love that idea.

[1221] You're really talented.

[1222] Frank, I love your art, and I love your spirit.

[1223] Thank you.

[1224] Yes.

[1225] Okay, so, bah, blah, blah, paint, hair.

[1226] They used them to convince the guards that they were sleeping, but they were secretly in the workshop on the cell roof -lock roof, which they accessed through the holes in their cells that they made, an unguarded utility corridor and plumbing pipes that they used to step.

[1227] So there was this whole, like, floor.

[1228] above the cells that was just hanging out ready for action.

[1229] Can I just make one suggestion that they can't use because it's all ended?

[1230] Yeah.

[1231] But I got the idea that then once they, because also Clinise would play the bird man of Alcatraz.

[1232] So then I was thinking, what if they caught live birds and put them into the shirts so that it looked like they were breathing?

[1233] Oh.

[1234] I wish I was at Alcatraz.

[1235] Okay, anyway, sorry.

[1236] I'm going to think of more craft ideas for these guys as we sit here.

[1237] That's beautiful.

[1238] Okay.

[1239] So then their next step was that on the rooftop, they secretly made life jackets.

[1240] They took life jackets.

[1241] They made them.

[1242] Excuse me. What?

[1243] So the only thing that was waterproof at Alcatraz were donated raincoats from the army afterwards.

[1244] They were like, ship them to Alcatraz.

[1245] So they got a bunch of the jackets.

[1246] and they made raincoats or life jackets by using a 6 by 14 and they fucking sewed together a life raft so they're using that.

[1247] Does that make any sense?

[1248] You're saying they took Army jackets and made life jackets and a raft?

[1249] Yes, because they were waterproof.

[1250] Wow.

[1251] Yeah.

[1252] So someone knew how to sew.

[1253] Frank.

[1254] And then here's my, yeah, here's my favorite part and this is going to come back around.

[1255] Guess how they fucking blew up the life raft.

[1256] inflated it.

[1257] Okay.

[1258] The accordion.

[1259] Oh my god.

[1260] They do it and not make sound.

[1261] That's a great question.

[1262] Okay, can I just, here's my idea.

[1263] I'll pitch my idea.

[1264] One of them pretends that his girlfriend broke up with them through a letter and cries really loud every night.

[1265] That's it.

[1266] But then they're like, okay, wrap it up.

[1267] up.

[1268] You're not that sad.

[1269] They're like, just two more months of this, and we'll be all, I just have to cleanse the feeling from my system.

[1270] And they make makeshift paddles from scrapwood and stuff.

[1271] So on the night of June 11th, finally, they're like, this has been so much fun.

[1272] Let's pretend it was a montage of them crafting shit, you know?

[1273] Adorable.

[1274] What song would play during the montage of them crafting stuff?

[1275] Minute by minute.

[1276] I don't, I'm not sure.

[1277] I went To be brothers, I don't know why.

[1278] Okay.

[1279] On the night of June 11th, they waited until 9 .30 p .m. head count, had count, and probably the fairy tale read by the local guard, I'm sure, that he would read before bed.

[1280] And then they all got arrested.

[1281] Good night, everybody.

[1282] Good night, everyone.

[1283] Sleep, sweet dreams.

[1284] Sleep tight.

[1285] No screaming.

[1286] All night.

[1287] And then all, but our friend West made it to the self.

[1288] block roof, they dug out.

[1289] They went up.

[1290] West didn't make it because he had widened his air vent opening in his cell wall, but unlike the others, he had used to cement to hold the concrete that was crumbling around his exit hole.

[1291] And on the night of the escape, he discovered that his cement had set, so he had just made a wall.

[1292] It just basically like fixed the hole.

[1293] The guard comes by.

[1294] I was like, thank you so much for that.

[1295] That was nice of you.

[1296] Yeah.

[1297] And, yeah, the others had fucking latered by the time he chipped himself out of there.

[1298] It's so sad.

[1299] What a bummer, right?

[1300] Wait for me, guys.

[1301] Chip, chip, chip, chip.

[1302] No wonder they told on him.

[1303] He was really so mad.

[1304] Yeah.

[1305] So, but then the other three accessed the higher roof through a large ventilation shaft that they had just taken out.

[1306] And the guards did hear a large crash as the men got out of the shaft, but they were like, didn't hear anything else, went back to their poker game.

[1307] What was the game your mom, your grandma played?

[1308] Old maid.

[1309] All the guards are sitting around with the one card pulled up.

[1310] What will it be?

[1311] So they take their homemade raft and the three convicts shimmy down a large pipe to the ground.

[1312] They cut through the barbed wire at the top of the fence 12 feet high.

[1313] And then they inflate their raft, the accordion.

[1314] they're in a blind spot, and sometime after 10 p .m., they fucking later date off of Alcatraz.

[1315] In a raft made of jackets.

[1316] Into the dense fog towards Angel Island, two miles to the north.

[1317] Can you imagine the freezing?

[1318] It's cold, like, on the street in San Francisco.

[1319] Yeah.

[1320] At night.

[1321] You don't want to get anywhere near that water.

[1322] Oh, it's so cold.

[1323] It's so cold.

[1324] It's so cold.

[1325] It's so cold, and there's so much goddamn seaweed in there.

[1326] Yeah.

[1327] That's what, I would, the whole time, if I was in there, I'd just be, something touch my foot.

[1328] I can't get it in here.

[1329] Frank, calm down.

[1330] It's seaweed.

[1331] I hate seaweed.

[1332] And then the other one's like, we could make wonderful crafts out of the seaweed.

[1333] Let's dry it and hang it and make it into witch's hair.

[1334] Easy.

[1335] You always put a good spin on everything.

[1336] You're such a good friend.

[1337] You are.

[1338] So they were going to, according to West, who ratted them out, told him that they were going to cross to the mainland, and take clothes to replace their prison uniforms and steal a car and make their getaway.

[1339] And the FBI are like, oh, shit.

[1340] Because, A, it's like prisoners escaping, even though they're toy gun users still.

[1341] And also, it's going to make them look really fucking stupid if they can actually escape.

[1342] So on June 14th...

[1343] The whole point of Alkras.

[1344] Right.

[1345] You don't.

[1346] Right.

[1347] On June 14th, three days after they escape, the Coast Guard picked up a paddle floating about 200 yards off the southern shore of Angel Island.

[1348] And on the same day in general location, workers on another boat found a wallet wrapped in plastic containing names, addresses, and photos of the angel, angle of the brothers, friends and relatives.

[1349] One's named Clarence, I do remember that.

[1350] I put it here on purpose, Clarence and John.

[1351] Yeah, there it is.

[1352] So they find little things that they probably would have needed, you know what I mean?

[1353] So they're like, they're probably dead.

[1354] And we don't fucking know if they are or not to this day, which is so fun, isn't it?

[1355] I think they are.

[1356] And I think it's your dad.

[1357] He just kind of rinsed off and then went right over to the fire department.

[1358] He was like, you got any openings here?

[1359] I can grow a mustache real fast.

[1360] Steroids will do that.

[1361] Yeah, that's right, all the steroid use.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] So basically, circumstantial evidence uncovered in the early 2010 seemed to suggest that they actually survived.

[1364] A raft was discovered nearby on Angel Island with footprints leading away.

[1365] Exciting.

[1366] That's great news.

[1367] would have been stolen on the night of the escape.

[1368] And someone said that a car was stolen by three men the night of the escape.

[1369] Love it.

[1370] What other three men are stealing cars?

[1371] What are the odds?

[1372] On that night.

[1373] There's nothing on Angel Island.

[1374] Who would do it?

[1375] It's our guys.

[1376] It's definitely our guys.

[1377] And conspiracy theorists say you know them, they like to talk.

[1378] They say that there was a police cover -up because they didn't want to admit that, you know, they got duped or whatever.

[1379] And there have been several reported sightings of the three men's over the year, and some of them are discounted, some are taken serious.

[1380] Family members of the brothers occasionally got unsigned postcards and messages over the years, which is so cute.

[1381] They did, they did it, they made it.

[1382] I know.

[1383] Once a card came, signed Jerry and another Jerry and Joe, good bless you, uh, scream sneezer mother about that.

[1384] So loud.

[1385] The family also showed everyone a Christmas card that they allegedly received in the family mailbox in 1962 saying, to mother from John, Merry Christmas.

[1386] What if they were Jewish?

[1387] Wouldn't that be funny?

[1388] That's their inside joke.

[1389] Yeah.

[1390] And the brother's mother received flowers anonymously every mother's day until her death.

[1391] Oh, good people forced into a bad situation.

[1392] I feel like at that point, it's like if they could get off in the most creative, clever montage way I've ever heard of, and they are not in there for like hurting anyone.

[1393] Let those fuckers, let their lives.

[1394] Also, just, they swam the bay.

[1395] They swam the bay.

[1396] They were going to open a nice deli.

[1397] Let's just let them let deli.

[1398] Let them live.

[1399] That's right.

[1400] Let them craft.

[1401] Exactly.

[1402] And at their mother's, funeral, two very tall women, unusually tall women, in heavy makeup.

[1403] That's me. I mean, look, that's not weird.

[1404] That's right.

[1405] We're everywhere.

[1406] And tall back then was like 5 '5.

[1407] Yeah, exactly.

[1408] Jesus Christ, she's 5 '8.

[1409] Showed up to the fucking funeral, which I love.

[1410] And then they latered.

[1411] One of the siblings also said that when their father died in 1989, two strangers and probably fake -looking beard showed up, crafted beards.

[1412] Oh, what if...

[1413] In that one, they crafted, like, an Orthodox Jewish, you know, with the Pays, and the whole thing where people were like, we'd never suspect two Orthodox Jews here at this funeral.

[1414] Oh, I thought.

[1415] Of a strict Catholic.

[1416] They showed up and wept over the casket into their beards, and then snuck off.

[1417] So it was them, you guys.

[1418] And then in 2015, a letter allegedly written by one of the escapees came to light.

[1419] It said, my name is John Anglin.

[1420] I escaped from Alcatraz in June, 1962.

[1421] It's like, how much more privilege you fucking need?

[1422] With my brother, Clarence and Frank Morris, I'm 83 years old and in bad shape.

[1423] I have cancer.

[1424] Yes, we all made it that night, but barely.

[1425] The FBI says this piece of evidence forced the agency to reopen its cold case.

[1426] What if they threw him back in prison?

[1427] How mad would we all be?

[1428] I mean.

[1429] According to the letter, Frank died in 2008.

[1430] and John's brother died three years later, the writer makes a deal.

[1431] If you announce on TV that I will be promised to first go to jail for no more than a year and get medical attention, I will write back to let you know exactly where I am.

[1432] This is no joke.

[1433] Oh, what happened?

[1434] The writer of the letter says he spent many years after his escape from Alcatraz living in.

[1435] San Jose.

[1436] No, that was a good guess.

[1437] Oh.

[1438] I mean, Seattle.

[1439] Seattle?

[1440] Yeah, which is like, cool, okay.

[1441] They started grunge rock?

[1442] Yeah.

[1443] It's Eddie about her.

[1444] But then he says that he currently lives in Southern California.

[1445] So we could know him.

[1446] Oh, my God.

[1447] It could be our friend, you know, our friend that we hang out with.

[1448] It's that guy from the crafting store.

[1449] Yes.

[1450] What if you got a job at Joanne's?

[1451] That old crabby man that helps me at Joanne.

[1452] or Joanne, singular.

[1453] What if he's like still wet with seawater and still has seaweed flung over his shoulder?

[1454] It's like, oh, we never figured this out.

[1455] There's a fucking seagull perched on his shoulder.

[1456] This guy helped me. I would have never made it without Gary.

[1457] Oh my God.

[1458] He's going to befriend a seagull in our movie for sure.

[1459] Me and Gary.

[1460] Stay away, what, you're helping me?

[1461] He's like right as he's going to drown.

[1462] And then the seagull's like, no, I thought you had potato chips.

[1463] fine I'll help you since I'm here if the men were alive today Frank would be 90 years old and John and Clarence would be 86 and 87 but nothing ever came of that or maybe it didn't I just didn't look hard enough now that's your job to end the story yourself later tonight that's how we did look there's a restaurant here that has a bignet flight I couldn't miss it What's up, Brenda's?

[1464] So good.

[1465] Okay, the only proven case of an Alcatraz inmate ever reaching shore by swimming happened on December 16th, 1962 by an inmate named John Paul Scott.

[1466] Successfully swam the distance of 3 .1 miles from Alcatraz to Fort Point.

[1467] Some fucking shitty teenagers found him and turned him in.

[1468] Oh.

[1469] But he was suffering from hypothermia and exhaustion, and he was immediately returned to Alcatraz.

[1470] But he fucking made it.

[1471] it.

[1472] And now it's done all the time as like fun for some of your psychopaths.

[1473] Disgusting lunatics.

[1474] What the hell?

[1475] Today athletes swim the same Alcatraz four point root as part of one of two annual triathlon events.

[1476] Have you guys heard of naps?

[1477] I mean.

[1478] Jesus Christ.

[1479] And brunch?

[1480] Bagels.

[1481] Bagels.

[1482] Brunch.

[1483] Therapy.

[1484] Therapy.

[1485] Get out of the bay.

[1486] Yeah.

[1487] Get out of that water.

[1488] Anyway.

[1489] Otherwise, that's the story of the escape from Alcatraz.

[1490] Yes, that was awesome.

[1491] It was really good.

[1492] Thank you.

[1493] You have time for a hometown?

[1494] I think we do.

[1495] Let's do it.

[1496] Oh, my God.

[1497] Here's the thing is, now this is the part where I tell you the rules of, this is the part where we call someone up from the audience to tell their hometown murder.

[1498] And this is the part where then I tell you what the rules are to qualify for doing your hometown murder.

[1499] And then you ignore them.

[1500] And then everyone always ignores them.

[1501] fine do what you want be punk rock last night a girl got on stage Heidi and I was like please let it be local we're here in Oakland it'd be great to hear something out of Oakland or anything nearby northern California would be great and she comes up she's like I'm from Bakersfield I was like Jesus Christ here we go but she then proceeds to tell the most nutso lunatic story that was so hilarious and great and of the rules, so we'll walk through what the rules are.

[1502] We want it to be local.

[1503] No, she said no, Bakersfield.

[1504] It has to be quick.

[1505] It wasn't the quickest story we've ever heard, although it was very engaging.

[1506] You need to have a beginning of middle and end.

[1507] We always love to know what really happens, so there's like a little bit of a button at the end.

[1508] She basically tells the story, like, someone, I can't even do it.

[1509] It was like somebody chasing her father and breaking into her house, and then...

[1510] Merle Haggard was involved.

[1511] It was Merle Haggard.

[1512] old house, their pool was shaped like a guitar.

[1513] It went on and on.

[1514] It was insanity.

[1515] But it was amazing.

[1516] Somebody drove through the really long drive because it was like out on a farm.

[1517] Somebody busted through their gate and was driving up with their headlights on high.

[1518] And then the dad was like, take this gun and you take this gun and all this stuff.

[1519] She ran upstairs and then she just goes, they never caught him.

[1520] Thanks.

[1521] And we were like, whoa, what?

[1522] Anyways, hilarious.

[1523] We're giving her a podcast.

[1524] Yeah, she's the greatest.

[1525] And we say don't be too drunk.

[1526] that you can't remember your story.

[1527] Yeah.

[1528] Also, remember that if you get picked, everyone hates you, so you have to go fast.

[1529] And this time, so I have to wait to pick from the back, unless, yeah, no one's going to climb on this stage.

[1530] Back right.

[1531] Back right.

[1532] So I saw Vince back there.

[1533] Let's, can we get the lights up, please, so we can see this beautiful Lego land and all its glory.

[1534] And that's a flat, no. Oh, look it.

[1535] Oh, it just takes a moment.

[1536] I don't know.

[1537] This is legit.

[1538] Karen, can you see anything?

[1539] I can't see shit.

[1540] The two of you, yeah, with your, holding her wrist, yeah, yeah, send her to, send her to Vince back there.

[1541] Back that way.

[1542] Go back, back, back.

[1543] Back.

[1544] Back.

[1545] Oh, here they are.

[1546] Oh, my God, that was so fast.

[1547] This is Lauren, everybody.

[1548] Lauren.

[1549] That was quite a journey you were going to take to get over here.

[1550] It was really fast.

[1551] Geez, I should have worked out before this.

[1552] No. You'll be crazy.

[1553] I'm told I have to make this quick.

[1554] Where are you from?

[1555] Oh, I'm from actually Saratoka, which is right near San Jose.

[1556] Who knew it was going to be such a hot topic this evening?

[1557] It never is.

[1558] It never is.

[1559] Well, the school that I went through was a K -12 former military academy.

[1560] I'm sure some of you who are local can figure out which one it was.

[1561] But there was this really nasty college counselor, and I feel great, bad speaking ill of the dead, but here it goes.

[1562] She literally told people who would go in with their top picks of college, I want to go here, here, here, and she said, you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than getting into any of these schools.

[1563] You know, when you're 17, 16 years old, that's really uplifting.

[1564] So she did the same thing to me. I was not too thrilled, but I mean, we move on.

[1565] And I heard more stories, because my brother went through with her the whole nine yards, and it was just a disaster.

[1566] So I'm in college, and I get a call from you.

[1567] The college you wanted to go to?

[1568] I went to USC, so yes.

[1569] University of Santa Clara.

[1570] Yes.

[1571] Right?

[1572] Correct.

[1573] The fighting.

[1574] It's the toughest team in the Pac -10 conference.

[1575] Oh, yes.

[1576] Okay, sorry.

[1577] Nailed it.

[1578] Nailed it.

[1579] Okay, thank you.

[1580] So I get a call from one of my best girlfriends and she goes, you are never going to believe what just happened.

[1581] And I was like, okay, tell me everything.

[1582] I want all the details.

[1583] And she said, well, we just found out that there was a murder homicide at home.

[1584] And instantly I started going through all the people that I know back home.

[1585] I'm like, oh my God, who died?

[1586] My year was right before the recession, as we all remember that very fondly.

[1587] My college counselor, she had bragged about that she was going to retire and I was her last class.

[1588] So I guess when the economy crashed, her husband didn't really plan financially very well, and she blamed him, and for two, three years was nagging, nagging, complaining that she still had to work.

[1589] So one day, he woke up, shot her in the head, and then tried to kill himself.

[1590] It didn't work.

[1591] Oh, no. So he had to go to the hospital.

[1592] He held on for maybe five, six hours more, but that was it, and that was the end of this very horrible woman.

[1593] And, oh, so sad.

[1594] Oh, my friend, she did it.

[1595] Thank you.

[1596] Nice to meet you, too.

[1597] Lauren from Saratoga.

[1598] Holy shit.

[1599] She's laughing and she says it's so sad.

[1600] I hugged her, I could peel her a little hummingbird heart.

[1601] It's so bad.

[1602] This is hard.

[1603] It's terrifying.

[1604] It's really hard.

[1605] San Francisco.

[1606] Thank you.

[1607] You guys, thank you so much.

[1608] The city holds a special place in both of our hearts, so it's so nice to come back here and not have to wait tables or work at the gap.

[1609] And actually, I didn't have a shit ton of friends when I was here.

[1610] I think that one of them is here.

[1611] We're live journal friends.

[1612] We were.

[1613] So to come here and have a theater full of, like, our friends and you guys are here for us, it means so much to us.

[1614] Thank you so much for supporting us.

[1615] And I would just like to say, you know, I started stand -up comedy here and did it.

[1616] While I lived here, I did it for two years.

[1617] It's, you know, my lifelong dream.

[1618] And that sounded sarcastic, but I meant it.

[1619] I think because I meant it, I had to say it with a tone.

[1620] while I lived here while I was doing stand -up here one time my dad who was also at work one night he just brought Station 2 Chinatown Station 2 came down to the improv right on Mason and they pretended that they were doing a fire inspection and they all just stood in the back of the room so my dad could watch me do stand -up comedy and isn't that the best it's really funny and then it was very funny It was a showcase night, so it was a bunch of local comics, and it was like, Patton Oswald was here, Dana Gould was here, Mark Maren lived here, and was doing comedy.

[1621] You know, David Cross came up for a while.

[1622] I think Janine Grofflow may have been in town.

[1623] It was like star -studded, and after the show, my dad said, that was a great show.

[1624] You know, my favorite comic is?

[1625] Ron Lynch.

[1626] I was just like, Dad, I was on the show.

[1627] Yeah.

[1628] I was a choice.

[1629] You could have picked me. So, it's an honor that I get to perform for my father in San Francisco in a situation, well, let me just say it, in a situation where you guys have created this wonder of a podcast hit.

[1630] You guys gave this to us.

[1631] You did.

[1632] So thank you for letting us be here tonight.

[1633] It's amazing.

[1634] We don't get, we don't know what's going on most of the time.

[1635] This is super crazy, but we're having the best time, and we're so, so grateful.

[1636] And we love the community that you guys are creating and the friendships that you are having together and the meetups and the charity that you're giving to.

[1637] It's incredibly beautiful, especially at such a dark time in this country.

[1638] You guys are really bringing a light and keep doing it.

[1639] It's really important.

[1640] We're honored to be a part of it.

[1641] We love being murderinos.

[1642] Thank you guys so much for supporting us.

[1643] Thank you for everything.

[1644] and stay sexy.

[1645] And John!