Old Sharp-Ass

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[4] Quiet.

[5] Hi, Bryce.

[6] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[7] Hey, Bryce.

[8] How are you?

[9] Good, yourself?

[10] Well, I'm good now.

[11] I'm checking out your facial hair.

[12] And you are incredible, just incredible.

[13] Let me describe for our listeners who aren't watching this.

[14] on the internet right now.

[15] What'd you say?

[16] It looks, it's a wild bill hiccup.

[17] Yeah.

[18] Yeah, a big old mustache and short little beard and long hair.

[19] Yeah, I don't know if I'd be like to be class as Wild Bill, but, you know, close enough.

[20] Okay.

[21] Well, let's see.

[22] What else have we got?

[23] Texas Turkey Creek Jack Johnson?

[24] Yes, there you go.

[25] Okay.

[26] No, you look incredible.

[27] You know, you look like the lead singer with the silver bullet band.

[28] You look incredible.

[29] Oh, my goodness.

[30] Yeah.

[31] People say I look like I'm off like Turnpike Trubadors or something.

[32] So that or Tombstone.

[33] Well, now let me understand something, Bryce.

[34] Tell us a little bit about yourself.

[35] Where are you coming to us from?

[36] Currently, I'm in Stillwater, Oklahoma.

[37] But I live in Ames, Iowa.

[38] I have a transportation company where I haul horses across the country.

[39] and so it kind of put me down here when it was time to talk to you guys.

[40] Okay, so you haul horses.

[41] How many horses do you haul at a time?

[42] Sorry, it came out a little strange.

[43] You have so much trouble.

[44] Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

[45] You haul horses.

[46] You hauled horset.

[47] You hauled a horsest.

[48] You hauled a horset.

[49] I don't know what happened there.

[50] I had a, we call it up around the parts where I'm from, cerebral occlusion.

[51] Any hoots, Bryce, you haul horse flesh.

[52] Yeah, it's still living, but yeah.

[53] Yeah, that's okay.

[54] That's okay.

[55] Do, how many horses do you haul at a time?

[56] It depends.

[57] So right now I have a three horse trailer, so I can haul a max at three if I use somebody else's trailer.

[58] Yeah, when you said three horse trailer, I figured it was three.

[59] Yeah.

[60] Now, Bryce.

[61] Sometimes you've got to break it down.

[62] Does each one get to look out a window when they drive?

[63] This is important.

[64] Yeah.

[65] Oh yeah.

[66] Yep.

[67] They get a window.

[68] They get water.

[69] They get hay.

[70] And I have a camera facing them so I can keep an eye on them the whole time.

[71] You know, I have to say, I love nothing more in life than a horse looking out a little window.

[72] I do.

[73] I love it.

[74] When I'm on the highway and a horse is looking out a little window, I'm in heaven.

[75] Do you guys share a little moment?

[76] No, it's true because a horse is so unselfconscious.

[77] That's why when I'm watching a movie and there's a horse in the scene, I just look at the horse because he doesn't know he's in a movie.

[78] It's fantastic.

[79] I love a horse looking out a window.

[80] I could look at that all day.

[81] So if I was driving down the turnpike and I saw, or the interstate, and I saw three horses peeking out of three windows, I would just start following.

[82] I would just start following you guys wherever you went.

[83] Oh, goodness.

[84] Yeah, I held a mule the other day, and I forgot to open his window, and he just start kicking.

[85] Yeah.

[86] He was not very happy.

[87] And then I opened the window and perfectly fine.

[88] So, yeah, yeah.

[89] You gotta have those windows so they can see.

[90] I do that on a plane sometimes.

[91] If someone has, before me, has pulled the screen down, you know, the shade down, I just start kicking.

[92] And often the flight attendant will say, sir, you can just lift that yourself.

[93] But that's how I am.

[94] I just start kicking.

[95] You lowered it in the first place.

[96] Probably.

[97] I wanted to kick.

[98] So this is cool, Bryce.

[99] Now, why are you traveling these horses all around?

[100] What's the point of traveling these horses?

[101] Is this delivering them to customers who purchase them?

[102] Yeah, why you travel?

[103] Why are you traveling these horses?

[104] Well, I'm just trying to, look, I'm sorry.

[105] But I, and the parts that I come from, we say we're plain spoken in my part of Brookline Mass. Bryce, why you hauling all these horses?

[106] Yeah, you know, that's exactly how JFK talked.

[107] So you're right.

[108] Why?

[109] We're going to haul these horses, not because it's easy, but because it's hard.

[110] no yeah exactly what you said a lot of people buying horses or shipping horses to shows or moving across country stuff like that there's also a lot of importing from overseas got it so i'll pick them up at an airport and take them somewhere what do they like when you pick up a horse at the airport can a horse get jet lagged are they sleepy and do you have one of those little signs with their name on yeah do you have you waiting there yeah and then hay comes down on a little carrot.

[111] A little carousel.

[112] But can you tell that they're jet lag?

[113] Like they're, they think it's 9 a .m., but it's really, you know, it's really like 4 p .m. Do you know what I mean?

[114] Yeah.

[115] Yeah, generally they don't have a watch on, so they can't really touch on.

[116] That's right.

[117] That makes it easier.

[118] They're obviously a little bit tired.

[119] And, you know, so, yeah, just got to get them moving.

[120] Hey, Bryce, if at any point my questions get too stupid, feel free to just tell me. in any way because they're stupid they got they were stupid from the beginning i feel like i forgot that horses don't wear watches you said do they know it's nine o 'clock what it's supposed to be four o 'clock you get off the plane sometimes i bet they're wearing like pajamas or sweatsuits when they get off the plane juicy well you're actually not far off they'll sometimes they'll be wearing a sheet or a blanket yes i do that i've gotten off planes i did a transatlantic flight and i got off and i was just wearing a sheet is my naked body in a sheet.

[121] They tackled me. They tackled me at the Starbucks.

[122] So tell me about yourself.

[123] First of all, I love horses.

[124] I think this sounds like kind of a cool job.

[125] How did you get into this whole thing?

[126] Yeah, so I married a horse trainer.

[127] So that's kind of how all this started.

[128] And yeah, so I used to ride horses when I was little out in Colorado and whatnot.

[129] And then as I grew up.

[130] up, kind of fell away from it, married a horse trainer, and got back into riding horses, and I got my own Mustang that I adopted from the Bureau of Land Management.

[131] Oh, cool.

[132] Yeah, it's exhilarating.

[133] It's nice having a horse, and, you know, especially when they're allowed to be themselves and have their own personality.

[134] Oh, you mean, like, sometimes people have horses and the horse feels a need to conform or be a certain way, and you're just letting the horse be the horse?

[135] Yeah, sometimes they act like, you know, a teenager, not wanting to listen to their parents and whatnot, but you know, you got the other ones who actually want to, want to have fun and be themselves and listen.

[136] This is like Montessori for horse training.

[137] That's all right.

[138] Don't listen to me, Bryce.

[139] Go on.

[140] It's not you, Bryce.

[141] The blank.

[142] It was a blank.

[143] I almost thought his screen for us.

[144] No, no. That really happened, Bryce.

[145] You know what?

[146] I'm just picturing a bunch of horses just looking out windows with blank expressions not knowing what the hell just happened.

[147] Usually I try to back you up, Matt, but that was...

[148] You've got to keep that in.

[149] That's got to stay.

[150] It's fantastic.

[151] I'm not only keep it in, but I stand by it.

[152] Yeah, stand by it.

[153] I know there's at least one other person out there in this world, and if you're listening, thank you.

[154] Tell me, I don't know much about riding horses.

[155] Are there different styles of different styles of, of cowboy?

[156] Oh, yeah.

[157] There's a whole bunch of different styles of riding, but mainly in the United States, you've got English style of riding.

[158] I could go on and on.

[159] But, yeah, cowboying, there's a lot of regional type of cowboying.

[160] People have made fun of me because I ride side saddle a lot.

[161] In a gown.

[162] That's usually for ladies.

[163] I wear an 18th century gown when I do it.

[164] And a corset.

[165] No, that's fine.

[166] Get a little breeze.

[167] It's fine.

[168] Yeah, I don't mind that at all.

[169] Sometimes a breeze is just what I need.

[170] Hey, I have a question for you.

[171] Do you think I'd be any good as a, you know, rider of horses, as a cowboy?

[172] Do you think I'd, do you think I'd, and be honest, Bryce, we know each other well enough.

[173] How do you think I'd do out on the trail?

[174] Yeah.

[175] I think if somebody invited you to go riding, you would show up dressed as howdy -duty.

[176] Yeah.

[177] Check.

[178] Correct.

[179] I'd have a bandana and really starched.

[180] Like my jeans would have a crease.

[181] My shirt would be real starched.

[182] And I'd have a hat that had never, like, had no dust on it.

[183] And it was way too big from my head.

[184] Yeah.

[185] And then you would complain about chafing because everything's so starched.

[186] Yeah.

[187] You'd be riding a horse like Robert Downey Jr. in, oh, goodness.

[188] What's that movie?

[189] Bad horse rider?

[190] Sherlock Holmes.

[191] Oh, does he ride in there just a horse?

[192] Oh, yes, that's right, he's not a good, yeah.

[193] Yes, in one of the Sherlock Holmes movies, he's on a horse and he's not good at it.

[194] Interesting, I have a problem, and Sona has worked for me for a long time, and she can attest to this.

[195] I have no flesh at all on my bottom.

[196] There's just nothing there.

[197] I'm just a pelvis, like a lab skeleton pelvis.

[198] So if I was riding a horse, I think I'd be in a lot of pain, unless can you put a cushion down?

[199] What can you put on the saddle and not be made fun of?

[200] Nothing.

[201] If you put something on there, you will get made fun of.

[202] Men and women, everyone.

[203] What if no one could see it?

[204] What if I just coated it with a thick gel, a clear gel that was cushiony and also had certain medicinal properties maybe numbing the nerves of the ass so that I didn't.

[205] Couldn't you pad inside your pants So you have like a big old booty, but it's real soft.

[206] Yes, stuff your pants.

[207] Well, I do that, but you mean in the back?

[208] Yeah.

[209] Okay, so, so Bryce, I just move it to the back.

[210] Yeah, that's fine.

[211] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[212] Just take what's in the front and put it in the back.

[213] Yeah, okay.

[214] And then there's just a huge concave space in the front.

[215] Oh, that's real funny.

[216] That's real funny.

[217] Just move the old zucchini to the back.

[218] So, Bryce, I think I do well.

[219] Okay.

[220] I'm pretty adaptable and I think I'd be a good cowboy.

[221] I know that I'd, yes, would my ass get sore, it would.

[222] But I'm a lot of fun out on the trail.

[223] I think I'd have good stories around the campfire at night.

[224] Is there a campfire at night?

[225] Absolutely.

[226] There's campfire and coffee.

[227] Regardless, if you stop at midnight, you're you're making a pot of coffee.

[228] Well, I can't do that.

[229] I'll be up all night.

[230] So can do you guys ever make decaf?

[231] Cowboys don't like decalph.

[232] Yeah, no. That's, that's, that's.

[233] We literally pour grounds into a pot of boiling water and then drink it.

[234] Okay, I'm going to bring with me a machine that's rather large that decaffeinates the coffee.

[235] It's an $8 ,000 Swiss machine, and that's going to have to be pulled by six horses.

[236] You can get killed so fast if you were a cowboy.

[237] No, I mean, probably.

[238] I think you'd be left behind.

[239] Yes.

[240] Yes.

[241] Hey, but what if the other cowboys start to go, you know, I like this decaf coffee?

[242] Let's keep this Conan guy and his Swiss machine around.

[243] I mean, have you seen a cowboying line at Starbucks with their horse outside?

[244] I don't think they're going to really be drinking.

[245] Right, right.

[246] You guys are, yeah, I guess that's, yeah, I have a lot of admiration for cowboys.

[247] Well, cow folk in general, you know, I do.

[248] It's part of the great American dream.

[249] Nothing looks cooler than being on a horse, I think.

[250] and no, and pulling up somewhere, you know, clapping up and then just jumping off the horse and tying it up to a post and going inside and having a shot of whiskey.

[251] That's something I grew up watching all the time on television, and it never happened.

[252] Well, Bryce actually has a really good question for you regarding this.

[253] Bryce, do you want to ask your question?

[254] Yeah, ask my question, Bryce.

[255] Yeah, what would your nickname be?

[256] What would your cowboy nickname be on the trail?

[257] Wow.

[258] Let's see.

[259] Sharp ass.

[260] Old sharp ass.

[261] He's got an ass like a meat cleaver.

[262] Just bone, you know, just bone.

[263] You can slice ham on that guy's ass, you know?

[264] You wouldn't want to, but you could.

[265] Yeah, old sharp ass, they'd call me. Here come sharp ass.

[266] Hey, sharp ass, what's up?

[267] Oh, not much.

[268] I was just here with my $8 ,000 machine decaffeinating these beans.

[269] What's up with you guys?

[270] What do you think?

[271] Pretty sure they come decaffeinated.

[272] Yeah.

[273] Yeah, what?

[274] The machine decaffinates the beans?

[275] Yeah, it's a very expensive machine.

[276] I think you just have a pile of beans.

[277] You could just bring decaf beans.

[278] Oh.

[279] I already bought this machine.

[280] Oh, man, you got to return it.

[281] No, I can't because I had the wheels that were on it taken off and ones that were appropriate for the trail put on.

[282] Oh, no. Because I was anticipating this conversation.

[283] This is such a bad idea.

[284] Yeah.

[285] It's got shock absorbers.

[286] It's got a lot.

[287] cowcatcher.

[288] Oh, you spruced it up, too.

[289] I spruced it up.

[290] It's got an incredible suspension.

[291] I've put over $35 ,000 into this $8 ,000 machine.

[292] Oh, my God.

[293] Conan, that's so unnecessary.

[294] Yeah, well, sharp ass to you.

[295] Okay.

[296] Bryce, I think that I'd be a pretty good cowboy and I'd, and I'd like it.

[297] I would really like it.

[298] I would love to go out on a ride.

[299] I really would.

[300] What's the longest ride you guys go out for?

[301] The longest ride I've been on was 11 days and over, you know, or probably around like 120 to 150 miles.

[302] Wow, that is so cool.

[303] Do you think we could arrange it so we're sort of near a Four Seasons Hotel?

[304] Oh, man. No, but you know what I mean.

[305] That's kind of what we're trying to avoid, but we could probably just go circles around the block.

[306] Yeah, what I'm saying is we ride, but then I disappear for, I don't know, 15, 18 hours at a time.

[307] and I come back and you smell massage oil and I've had an incredible cob salad, just incredible.

[308] Yeah, I guess we could figure that out, or you could just have the four seasons of being outside.

[309] Oh, there you go.

[310] Yeah, sharp ass.

[311] Okay, I don't know.

[312] I don't know, Bryce.

[313] There's a certain way I like things, you know.

[314] I like to be able to just pick up the phone and order the food and it comes.

[315] So I guess that's part of trail life.

[316] I mean, you could bring Sona and Matt with you and then they could just take care of you.

[317] Oh, hold on there.

[318] Bryce, look, I was interested until you said that.

[319] It sounded fun, but I got a catered old sharp as here.

[320] Yeah, we'll be with you guys.

[321] And then when he leaves, we give everyone the signal and we just keep going.

[322] Also, that way he'll never find us.

[323] Just so you know, Sona was my assistant for like 15 years and didn't take care of me then.

[324] Yeah.

[325] So why would she on the?

[326] trail you know that's not going to happen that's true an assistant so then that assistant would do things yeah he his name is david hopping and he does do things yeah incredible i'm sorry taught him everything he knows i don't think so anyway bryce what kind of horse would you put conan on like a spirited one a tame one a stout it absolutely have to be you know a 4 -h horse like a little kid's horse yes it'd have to be something that wouldn't blow up or anything It'd be like Shortsnager's little miniature pony Schnelly.

[327] I want one where your knees are like all the way up to your face.

[328] I want one where you have to put quarters in.

[329] And it gently rocks me. Everybody froze.

[330] You know, Bryce.

[331] Oh, we can still hear you.

[332] Yeah, we can still hear you, Bryce.

[333] Don't worry about freezing.

[334] Sometimes it just looks like you're really thinking about stuff.

[335] Well, I don't care what you say, Bryce.

[336] I think I would make an incredible cowboy or a cowgirl or just cow folk.

[337] Why do we have to get into the gender of it all?

[338] You'd be a cow dandy.

[339] A cow dandy.

[340] A cowfop.

[341] Yes.

[342] I'm a cowfop.

[343] A cow pop and jay.

[344] Thank you very much, Bryce.

[345] Very nice meeting you.

[346] And onward.

[347] Onward and upward.

[348] Thanks, Bryce.

[349] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[350] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[351] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

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[353] theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away Jimmy Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering by Eduardo Perez Additional Production Support by Mars Melnick Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Con You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan?

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