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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Meryl Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hi.
[17] Welcome.
[18] To the my favorite murder minisode.
[19] And the lights go off.
[20] It's a series of a clapping podcast.
[21] Learn to clap correctly.
[22] George is going on vacation tomorrow.
[23] That's right.
[24] In real time.
[25] So here's your minisode.
[26] So yeah.
[27] So here's your last final push of work before you get to go on vacation.
[28] You know, Vince and I cannot stop singing that even though it's a Christmas fucking Hawaii song.
[29] It doesn't matter.
[30] The only one we know.
[31] And it feels good.
[32] It does feel good.
[33] Okay.
[34] So I'll go first.
[35] Do it.
[36] This is a minisade where you send us your stories of misfits and mayhem.
[37] Wow.
[38] Yeah.
[39] Okay.
[40] So real quick.
[41] Back story.
[42] In 2007.
[43] And I had just gone out of a bad relationship.
[44] And I was at a desk job.
[45] It was boring.
[46] I hated it.
[47] The thing I did all day was read blogs.
[48] And I fucking loved them.
[49] And they inspired me to start my own blog and start writing and fucking rest is not history.
[50] It's just my life.
[51] But they help me a lot.
[52] And one of my favorite blogs was called The Bloggis, this girl, woman.
[53] Jenny Lawson, wrote it.
[54] And I just thought she was so fucking hilarious when she was also really open about her mental health issues.
[55] And it just really helped me a lot.
[56] So now she's my fucking friend on Twitter.
[57] And she fucking messaged me and told me she wants to tell us for fucking hometown murder.
[58] And it's just, I got really excited.
[59] So here it is.
[60] Do it.
[61] Jenny Lawson, the blog is she wrote the book called Theoriously Happy.
[62] Everyone should buy it.
[63] It's on top of my seat pat machine right now and I'm reading it.
[64] So she says, hey, y 'all, I love your show and have listened since the beginning.
[65] I didn't fucking know that.
[66] You are the sound, the weird soundtrack to my life.
[67] Please do not put this letter in between inspiring brave survival stories because it will make me sound even stupider than I am.
[68] Or do whatever.
[69] When I was 21, I bought a junky, ancient washing machine from this guy who scavenged broken appliances and refurbish them.
[70] It probably would have been a really good deal if the washing machine didn't break every couple of months, but the repair guy was really nice, and when it would crap out, he'd come over to a house and fix it for beer money.
[71] He seemed nice enough, and I lost track of how many times he came to fix the washing machine.
[72] Not a euphemism, this isn't porn.
[73] About a year into having a personal, terrible washing machine butler, the washer broke a final time, but this time it still worked, but it would make these horrific noises whenever it was on.
[74] It sounded like someone getting murdered, low groans that moved into a blood -curdling scream and then started over again.
[75] It was super unsettling and once a neighbor came to the door to ask if I'd check her mail while she was out of town and the washing machine was screaming from the back of the house and I had to explain that it was not a serial killer, that I was not a serial killer and that my washer was the person screaming.
[76] I'm not sure if she believed me, but when I told her to come inside to see, she declined, but I'm not sure if it's because she believed me or because she knew this is how you end up chained in a sex dungeon.
[77] Fair play to her, really.
[78] I called the repair guy, but he was MIA, and so I had to live with the washer that screamed at me like a lunatic while I waited for him to return my call, but turns out that he was not returning my call because someone else had called him to repair a washer and murdered him.
[79] Apparently, the girl he was dating had a jealous ex, so the murderer called in a fake washer emergency and stabbed him to death.
[80] Oh, no. And then I got freaked out because my washer started screaming the same week he was murdered.
[81] And I was convinced our washing machine was haunted by the soul of our murdered repair man. A friend who was Catholic stole a big gulp of holy water from her church and we dumped it in the rinse cycle to try to free his soul, but it didn't work.
[82] My husband says that's because the sound was from a pipe going bad and not a ghost in the machine, but I was pretty sure it was probably both of those things.
[83] So I set a prayer for him and the washing machine and we traded in for a new washer that was less terrifying.
[84] To this day, that possibly haunted washing machine is why I don't like to do laundry.
[85] And also, I'm really lazy.
[86] Hugs Jenny Lawson.
[87] Whoa, I totally thought it was going to be the repairman.
[88] That was such a good mislead.
[89] A repairman who you give beer money to is like bound to be a murderer.
[90] Well, and also somebody that's supposed to be a repair man, but it keeps breaking right it's like doing it on purpose yeah to get into your house that's awful i know it's so sad so like it really was this nice repair man who just wanted mere money yeah murdered by this new love of his life's ex horrible yeah all right the subject of this is the time i woke up to a cokehead watching me sleep hey guys very new listener but i've been binging episodes for the entirety of my eight -hour shifts and absorbing hours of murder each day thank you so much when i graduated high school i immediately moved out of my parents' house and was living with a roommate right outside the bad part of town.
[91] My street was relatively calm.
[92] In fact, all of the police presence in the neighborhood was caused directly by my next door neighbor.
[93] He was a drug dealer.
[94] He and I had very few interactions saying hi at the mailbox, waving if we got home from work at the same time, him offering me free Coke if I come to one of his parties.
[95] I never took him up on it, not because I'm one to turn down free drugs, but because something always seemed a little off with him.
[96] Uh, yeah.
[97] Uh -huh.
[98] I grew up as a murdererino, so I've always been very careful to lock the doors and windows at night.
[99] Very good.
[100] One night after double checking all the doors, I take two sleeping pills and go to bed.
[101] A few hours later, I start to wake up, which was weird because when I take sleeping pills, I'm usually conked until morning.
[102] Because you take two.
[103] Yeah, Jesus.
[104] When I woke up, I rolled over to check my phone.
[105] I looked down on the floor and my neighbors sitting on my floor watching me sleep.
[106] Oh my God.
[107] After taking a minute to process what was going on, I push him out of my room and downstairs to the door, which is still locked.
[108] Since I was foggy from the sleeping pills, it took me a solid 30 minutes to remember that I should call the police.
[109] By the time they arrive, his car is long gone and his driveway, oh, from his driveway.
[110] The police arrive and immediately noticed that the garage door has been pried open.
[111] Since he was long gone, the officers said they'd keep an eye out for him and keep a patrol car stationed at the house.
[112] They never found him.
[113] Needless to say, my roommate and I moved out of that place the very next day.
[114] I later found out that he had just previously been arrested for sexual assault and had several warrants out for his arrest.
[115] As it turns, he fled to Colorado after he broke into my house.
[116] A few months later, he was in a horrible car accident and broke his pelvis.
[117] So even though he hadn't been charged for breaking into my house, I felt like I got a little bit of cosmic justice.
[118] I'm so lucky that for whatever reason my cheap sleeping pills decided not to work that night or God knows what would have happened.
[119] Remember to lock your doors at night and know that having a garage is basically a death wish so you can SSDGM, Phoebe.
[120] Oh no, I don't want to worry about garages now too.
[121] That's not, it's not true.
[122] Yeah, plus you just lock the door to the garage.
[123] Exactly right.
[124] And put one of those things under the doorknob that they sell, you know?
[125] A chair?
[126] No. no the ones that look like a crutch it's like a and you stuff it under the doorknob yeah there's there's plenty of ways to to get all get all up in your house the best is to get a pit bull yes i highly recommend several dogs yes okay let's do uh okay the son of sam tried to kill my aunt shit we get a lot of the my mom almost got picked up by ted bundies yeah but this is the first son of sam when i read so in the 70s in yonkers no intro oh it just gets right in 100 % not even a greeting no in yonkers new york my aunt was almost shot by david berkowitz my aunt patty was blonde was a blonde beautiful teenager from yonkers oh i don't know why like you love that like yonkers is a place and then blonde beautiful teenagers live there i imagine patty was the type of person who would chew gum and smoke at the same time oh my god loudly both one day uh during the the summer, my aunt and her friends were hanging out in a stoop.
[127] My aunt was sitting and her friend was standing right next to her.
[128] They were just hanging out, probably chain smoking.
[129] When all of the sudden her friend gets shot right in the kneecap.
[130] Fuck.
[131] No one saw anyone or knew why her friend would get shot.
[132] Not very long after David Berkowitz was found in police guessed that he was going to shoot my aunt, but missed and hit her friend's knee that was right next to her head.
[133] Shit.
[134] I only found this out because my dog Zilla, a six -month -old mastiff, yawned.
[135] And it sounded like she said, hello, I made a son of Sam joke, which just like, when I read that, I was like, I love you.
[136] Yes.
[137] She said, I made a son of Sam joke as one does.
[138] And my dad just plainly said, he almost killed out Patty.
[139] This is why I'm reading this one, because this person, Michaela, is sitting at home with her dad and her fucking dog, the dog yons.
[140] And it sounds like it says hello.
[141] And her joke is about son of Sam with her dad and her dad.
[142] Like, that's just who we, it's who we are and what I want our listeners to be.
[143] And also, that that, there's, this is clearly not a family story.
[144] Her dad's like, oh, now that you mention it.
[145] But nobody cares.
[146] We're going to talk about son of Sam.
[147] Oh, I forgot.
[148] Oh, yeah.
[149] Oh, uh, he almost killed Aunt Patti.
[150] Hey, Patti.
[151] I meant to tell you.
[152] You know, you're at Patti?
[153] I lost my shit and had to know everything.
[154] Well, I immediately thought of you guys when I heard it.
[155] Thanks for reading and making my commute a million times better SSGM, Michaela.
[156] That's amazing.
[157] Talking Mastiff would be the best thing ever.
[158] I mean, shit.
[159] All I want is a dog that, you know, Rer -Rul!
[160] I love you!
[161] I love you!
[162] You have to get a husky.
[163] Apparently they're the ones that do it the most.
[164] Huskies are the ones.
[165] Yeah.
[166] I love you.
[167] They speak English.
[168] Dude, send us your husky saying, I love you.
[169] I say that Elvis all the time.
[170] I wrote, like trying to get him to say it.
[171] To say it back to you.
[172] I won't.
[173] Okay.
[174] The subject line of this is surprise party with my friend and a fugitive.
[175] Hi, ladies and gentlemen.
[176] I spent my formative years growing up in a suburban part of Austin, Texas, known as Westlake Hills.
[177] In 2000, I had just graduated from high school, and my friends and I were going to throw a surprise party at my parents' house from my friend Colin, who happened to live across the street for me. As part of the party preparation, a friend was supposed to take Colin out for ice cream and then stopped by my house to see if I was home to hang out.
[178] All of our cars had carpooled and parked way down the street so he wouldn't see familiar cars outside my house.
[179] about five or six friends and I were hanging out at my house waiting for the last party guest, Clay, who was arriving late.
[180] We were just chilling watching TV when a special news report came on saying that someone had just been stabbed in the parking lot of the mall that happened to be about maybe two miles away from my house.
[181] The assailant had fled the scene and police were currently on a manhunt for a guy wearing a gray t -shirt and black shorts.
[182] Oh, my God.
[183] I went to lock the front door because I'm not a goddamn moron.
[184] And right then, Clay pulled up.
[185] in his very conspicuous classic car and started to come to the door i yelled parked down the street dumb ass this is a surprise party clairet karen kill garraf is that you right it's the austin me clay got the message and drove off and i locked the door and got back to the news we realized about 15 minutes later that clay hadn't come back yet parking down the street should have taken five minutes at the most we joked that the fugitive had found him and clay had been inducted then 20 minutes passed and we were realized that that might actually have happened and we were being dicks and so we started to worry about 25 minutes after leaving to park his car a very sweaty clay rang the doorbell and we asked him what the hell happened he explained that because he's bad shit crazy he decided to park nearly a mile away in an undeveloped part of the subdivision and then run home another sign of bad shit craziness running for fun I love it Since he had been at work He had no idea That there was a fugitive stabber on the loose And I thought he was going to be the fugitive stabber And that running to my house Might not be the best idea Then he proceeded to tell us That the weirdest thing happened Oh my God When he was running in the completely Underdeveloped, undeveloped Undeveloped wooded part of the road A random dude just jumped out of the bushes And started running away Clay being the obscenely pleasant person that he is said hi to him and the creepy bush dude kind of waved and said hey and then sprinted it away when we asked him what the guy was wearing without prompting he said a gray shirt and black shorts why and that's when we told him that he had just exchanged pleasantries with a guy who was on the run from the police for stabbing someone half an hour before oh my god once colin arrived i think he enjoyed the story of clay's brush with death even better than the surprise party we planned for him.
[186] Later that night, they did catch Mr. Stabber, and the woman from the mall survived with minor injuries.
[187] He apparently wasn't even good at stabbing.
[188] I have more stories from my time as a prosecutor.
[189] Wow.
[190] But I'll save those for another email.
[191] Can't wait to see you guys in L .A. on Halloween.
[192] Yay.
[193] Stay sexy.
[194] Don't run alone at night.
[195] Kim.
[196] That's a massively great story.
[197] Twist and turns.
[198] I thought Clay was going to be the murderer.
[199] Right.
[200] If you heard that and then your friend knocked on the door wearing gray shirt and black pants.
[201] Exactly.
[202] And then you're like, but we invited him.
[203] So should you still come to the party?
[204] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[205] Absolutely.
[206] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[207] Exactly.
[208] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[209] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[210] That's right.
[211] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere.
[212] online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[213] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[214] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[215] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[216] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[217] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can't too.
[218] Connect with customers inline and online.
[219] Do retail right with Shopify.
[220] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[221] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[222] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[223] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[224] Goodbye.
[225] Hey, this is exciting.
[226] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[227] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[228] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[229] Who killed Saz?
[230] And were they really after Charles?
[231] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[232] This season, murder hits close to home.
[233] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[234] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[235] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[236] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[237] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Davey, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon and Moore.
[238] Only Martyrs in the Building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[239] Goodbye.
[240] Okay, this is called, sometimes things hidden in walls come out on their own.
[241] Ooh, blood?
[242] Um, hi.
[243] Hi.
[244] When my brother and I were younger, we had a lot of pets.
[245] My brother had a number of snakes over the years, but only one was actually memorable.
[246] The snakes never had names for some reason, but this one was a corn snake that was about 12 inches long.
[247] when we got it and had a brown -gray coloring.
[248] Anyway, one day my brother notices that the snake isn't in its cage anymore.
[249] This had happened before with other snakes, and they would turn up a few days later.
[250] Maybe it's because you're using a cage.
[251] So everyone kind of met it, meh, met it off and figured it would turn up or get out of the house and we'd never see it again.
[252] This sounds like the fucking definition of the 80s.
[253] Yes.
[254] I'm like, well, corn snake, whatever.
[255] Right.
[256] Fast forward a few years now.
[257] And my brother and I are at home with our 70 -something -year -old, 70 -something -old lady babysitter.
[258] We're sitting in the living room watching TV.
[259] The living room has a fireplace, which covers an entire wall.
[260] It's fucking 1970s.
[261] Yeah, that's nice.
[262] From floor to ceiling with gray, brown brick colored brick.
[263] Mm -hmm.
[264] So we're watching TV, and I get bored.
[265] So I'm staring off in a space and notice the fireplace bricks are moving.
[266] I think it's just my imagination So I snap out of my daydreaming stands And it's the snake It's a whole lot bigger now Like four feet long So he must have been eating good all those years And how long He'd been living in there How terrifying Also this has been this worst night You know he can't even like If we're watching TV and a snake comes on He casts a look away No shit He says tell me what's over So I can't casually pointed out like, oh, there's a snake.
[267] And the babysitter loses her shit and starts running around saying she's going to call the fire department or whatever.
[268] My brother and I are still like, me, and just tucked our feet up and kept watching TV.
[269] The babysitter called my mom and she comes home.
[270] My mom walks in like a boss -ass bitch and grabs a snake with her bare hands.
[271] This thing is freaking me now, so it's trying to bite her when she grabs it.
[272] Of course, my mom isn't a professional snake grabber.
[273] So she grabbed it in the middle of the body instead of a behind the head so it could twist around and try to bite a lot easier.
[274] No. My mom wrangles this thing into a kitchen pot and puts the lid on it.
[275] And then they write, it could get, it could get air, like for any of the fucking PETA people.
[276] Anyway, she taped the lid on the pot and my brother wrote, corn snake bites, corn snake bites on the tape.
[277] The next day, we took it to a local pet store and sold that fucker for like 500 bucks.
[278] Yeah.
[279] Anyway, keep what, keep up what you're doing, Alexandra.
[280] that might be the best things in the wall story we've had so far and it doesn't even really count don't don't judge your story just send it to us so sometimes things hidden in walls come out on their own like how could stephen not open that email it's so good but but also the idea that the snake gets out of its aquarium or whatever hopefully glass walled container and then just is like i'm staying in this house there's that fruit bowl over there I'm sure they have corn somewhere in the house and then it's just like a mouse every now and then right some kind of bugs or whatever yeah but then just like goes full camouflage I bet it lived in that fucking brick wall for years but I mean like they stared at it yeah I love that snake I love that snake too have you seen I've sent you that gift of the that insane huge snake and the woman catches it and it's like girls in Australia yeah and she she's just like cash near it's like they're next to a lake yeah they're like camping crazy snake right step comes at her from the water right yes it's look up that like lady catches snake gift unless you're Vince who doesn't listen to this fucking podcast anyway so he's not going to do it he doesn't like anything about this podcast all right we're going to end on a on a self -proclaimed uh lighthearted okay uh light heart if you put lighthearted in your email that's always helpful too because then we know how to end on something yeah exactly or in your subject line okay uh so it's the subject line is golf wielding grandmother lighthearted great um hi karen georgia stephen and animals i stumbled upon your show recently and it has made my commute to work in law school so much more enjoyable i did the um i did make the mistake of listening to your episode about the leaf man too close to bedtime and ended up sleeping with the lights on because obviously murderers wait until you turn them off but otherwise i'm so impressed with your wonderful mix of humor and tragedy with these dark and fascinating stories.
[281] Oh, thanks.
[282] My hometown isn't about a murder, but an attempted robbery.
[283] One day my grandma phoned to say that she was in the hospital for a broken arm, which on its face seems rather ordinary.
[284] However, the story comes out that my grandma woke up in the middle of the night to noises coming from down the hall.
[285] She lives alone and doesn't have any pet, so she knew something was up.
[286] Naturally, she grabs one of my grandpa's old golf club sneaks out of her room to investigate and finds a large man rifling through her things in the living room.
[287] At this point, most people would call for help, but apparently my badass grandma thought that she would handle the situation on our own.
[288] After all, she had lived through World War II in Latvia.
[289] That's where my family's from.
[290] Is that right?
[291] Yes.
[292] Fuck, yeah.
[293] So she was forced to flee to the U .S. as a teenager after some of her family were killed.
[294] Yeah, she doesn't fuck around.
[295] She's not fucking around.
[296] She doesn't scare easy.
[297] So she looked around her house to make sure the man was alone, smart, popped out with her golf, club raised and started beating the thief over the head while shouting at him in Latvian.
[298] Good girl!
[299] He was so startled and probably concussed that he dropped what he grabbed, resisted the grandma attack very briefly, which is when my grandma's arm was broken.
[300] Oh my God.
[301] And then fled into the night.
[302] He was never caught by the police, but thankfully he also never returned.
[303] Afterwards, my mom gave my grandma a lecture about the importance of calling the cops.
[304] Jesus.
[305] The risks of attacking intruders without knowing if they are armed or not and how she could have made an escape instead.
[306] My grandma promised that she would be more responsible, but when we visited her next, we discovered that she had placed a golf club in every room of her house.
[307] Oh, Grandma!
[308] Anyways, you're awesome, so make sure you stay sexy and always carry a golf club.
[309] Love Erica.
[310] Oh, my God.
[311] Fuck, yeah, Latvia and Grandma doesn't take shit.
[312] She couldn't have hit that hard with that, right?
[313] Like, I mean, no. I feel just surprised the shit out of this dude.
[314] Yeah.
[315] Well, it probably hurt and maybe, like, knocked him a little senseless, but, you know, Yeah.
[316] And then also this woman's screaming at you in a foreign language.
[317] Yeah.
[318] Wow.
[319] That's incredible.
[320] I like that one.
[321] Yeah, I did too.
[322] Those were all amazing.
[323] Those were great.
[324] And listen, any story you have that's fucking crazy, just send them to us.
[325] My favorite murder at Gmail.
[326] And stay sexy.
[327] And don't get murdered.
[328] Elvis, do you want a cookie?
[329] Want a cookie?
[330] Nah.