WHEN Will My Child Finally Be Responsible?

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[24] So how many of you have wondered, when is this child finally going to get it?

[25] When are they going to step up and be responsible, right?

[26] At some point, they're going to have to learn how to be a value -producing adult.

[27] That's what a guy said on a phone consultation this day.

[28] It was awesome.

[29] Total guy thing to say.

[30] Right?

[31] Because you've got a four -year -old, five -year -old, six -year -old.

[32] He can't do any.

[33] He's not even successful in like preschool, right?

[34] In pre -K, he can't sit still in a circle, and he's getting in trouble, and he's walking around the class all the time.

[35] and you're already getting notes and you're projecting into the future of like, oh, what's going to happen to this child?

[36] And maybe you've got a little one, six, seven, eight, and you can't sit still at the dinner table and you're getting frustrated by him.

[37] And as they get a little older, eight, nine, ten, maybe they have impulse control, right?

[38] And they're always getting in trouble and doing the same thing over and over again.

[39] And maybe that middle school child, right, just like hygiene, just won't brush his teeth or flush the toilet or take a shower.

[40] And your high school child is doing the minimal work necessary just to get by.

[41] freaking out.

[42] See, it doesn't matter what the age is.

[43] From the age of 2, 3, 4 all the way through high school, you are going to struggle with anxiety and wonder, when is this child going to finally grow up and start doing what he's supposed to be doing?

[44] That's what we're going to talk about today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[45] Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[46] Please share with others our podcast so we can help other people.

[47] We want people to know you're not alone, right?

[48] The reason we know all of this, and I can reel that part off, is that that was our son Casey at every age, right?

[49] And it was like, like, when we got a call from his elementary school, Casey was always in the mix.

[50] Like if there was a child who fell down, magically somehow Casey was nearby, right?

[51] If there is a problem at lunch in the cafeteria, maybe it was our son who was throwing things or getting into trouble, right?

[52] And I won't even mention kind of hygiene and middle school or like his bathroom.

[53] him, ugh.

[54] He's an amazing young man now.

[55] And if you ever need help with anything, that's who you're going to talk to.

[56] Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at celebrate column .com.

[57] So, doing a phone consultation as dad says, you know, at some point, this child is going, and I said, I get it, can I give you some perspective here?

[58] At some point, right, at some point he does, or she does.

[59] But not necessarily now.

[60] I understand your anxiety.

[61] I understand.

[62] You're, look, if you're listening to our podcast, you're a good parent.

[63] It means you want to be a better parent.

[64] And you want your child to do so well, and you love them so much, and you want them to be successful and not feel bad about themselves, and you want to not feel guilty, right, that you're raising a child who's like this.

[65] And you have so much pressure from other people, right?

[66] All your friends who have, like, the perfect little child, and your child's struggling so much, and you feel like you've done something wrong.

[67] And I want you to know, your child will step up.

[68] And when you say, well, at some point, but that doesn't mean it has to be now.

[69] And I guarantee you it will not be on your timeline.

[70] Please write that down.

[71] Engrave it on your heart and on your brain.

[72] Your child is not obligated to step up and be responsible on your timeline, right?

[73] That's arbitrary.

[74] That's your own anxiety speaking.

[75] It doesn't have to be now.

[76] It doesn't have to be next year.

[77] It doesn't have to be in the next five years, to be honest.

[78] No matter how old your child is.

[79] But sometime around 23, 24, or 25, maybe it's by then.

[80] Some of your kids are going to step up in the next six months, maybe next year, maybe next week.

[81] And some of them might be a decade.

[82] And that's okay, too, if you can control your anxiety and learn to enjoy that child.

[83] And I try to give perspective when I'm talking to people on the phone.

[84] And I talk to that dad, and I was like, come on, be honest.

[85] When we were at your child's age, you and I were big dopes too.

[86] It wasn't like we were walking around with legal pads, like visioning our future and doing everything right.

[87] The advantage we have is that our parents didn't even know what we were doing because most adults didn't know what we are doing because we had so much time alone and we were outside all the time.

[88] The problem now is that you know every single thing that your child does or thinks and you quiz them about it and you grill them over it and it's suffocating.

[89] Right?

[90] We didn't, our parents didn't do that to us.

[91] Right.

[92] And there's all these arbitrary standards and arbitrary timelines that someone came up with based on their own experience or what neurotypical kids do.

[93] Well, that's a bunch of BS.

[94] And you can't, you can't walk around, well, our child by this age ought to be doing this.

[95] Why?

[96] That's not who your child is.

[97] And don't measure and compare them against siblings or convince other people.

[98] Otherwise, I will do the same thing with you.

[99] And I will find three areas in your life where you do not measure up with your peers.

[100] Guarantee you can I find it because I can probably find 10 places I don't measure up.

[101] It will happen.

[102] They will change.

[103] But here's the main thrust of this.

[104] I'm trying to keep it short.

[105] Your anxiety and watch, you're constantly trying because you're a good parent who loves your child.

[106] You're trying so hard to motivate your child to change them to fix this, right, to force it.

[107] And you do sweet ways and you bribe and you try to tell them all kinds of sweet things.

[108] and then you threaten, and you do all kinds of things, trying to convince them and get them to step up and watch what happens.

[109] It takes longer.

[110] It makes things worse.

[111] It destroys your relationship.

[112] It causes a child to shut down and resist.

[113] I guarantee you it will take longer.

[114] The more you're trying to make them change, the more they will resist, and the longer it will take.

[115] And it's hard because watch, this is a little side note, but those of you who have kids, or in a home where maybe both parents are like highly educated or very, very successful adults, those kids often shrink back because they're like under the shadow of these really successful parents and what they know is, I can't compare to you.

[116] Look at my record so far.

[117] And so they won't even try.

[118] And for all of us as parents, how many of you have found the more you push a strong will child, the more they will resist?

[119] It doesn't work.

[120] And ironically, when you learn to accept your child as he is and relax and release this child release this child from the expectations that they're supposed to be like you or be like other people and release yourself from these expectations right and I guarantee if you struggle with that I encourage you with anxiety go through the 30 days to calm program it's in the calm parenting package or if you want to know how to like release your kids and learn to accept them as they are if you have older kids go through the no BS program 25 action steps.

[121] It's phenomenal.

[122] I love that program.

[123] But when you step back, you accept your child, you step back and give them space to step up.

[124] See, they need space and time because these kids are stove touchers.

[125] They have to touch the hot stove and they have to figure it out on their own without someone looking over their shoulder pointing out every time.

[126] Well, this is the right way to do it if you would just do it this way.

[127] They don't work that way.

[128] Okay.

[129] And so you can't force it.

[130] So I'll give you three things to do this week.

[131] Number one, I want you to relax and release yourself.

[132] Release yourself from all the pressure you have from other parents and from your own parents and everybody else.

[133] And release your child to be who they're supposed to be.

[134] Right.

[135] And to give them some space.

[136] Number one, relax and release.

[137] Let's just keep it at that.

[138] Right.

[139] And stop lecturing all the time.

[140] Stop hovering over them.

[141] Number two, give them space and time to touch the hot sauce.

[142] stove to learn how to figure things out on their own.

[143] They need ownership and space.

[144] If you're taking notes, write down the words ownership and space.

[145] And we can show you how to do that with giving kids a sense of ownership where they're actually being responsible for themselves.

[146] And this is really important because in trying to change them, you're actually being responsible for them.

[147] And when you're being responsible for your child because your own anxiety is compelling you to, they'll never learn how to be responsible for themselves.

[148] It is a gift to your child to step back and to give them tools.

[149] And I've talked about that a million times, so I'm not doing it here.

[150] You give your kids tools to succeed.

[151] Number three, affirm your child for where they are right now.

[152] Stop noticing everything that's lacking that they're not doing well and affirm what they're doing now.

[153] Affirm little things.

[154] I talk to parents on these phone consultations in the mentoring program, I hear, and I write down where we're talking, I'm like, I just, I just heard five very mature things to do that your child did.

[155] And I guarantee you're overlooking them because all you can think about is, well, what about this?

[156] Well, because at some point they have to do.

[157] I'm like, but you're not letting them be successful and live with a win.

[158] And these are kids, is this not true?

[159] These are kids who thrive on momentum and they do best when they feel like they are the head of the class where they are successful and where they don't feel like they're under the shadow of everybody else and everybody else is judging them.

[160] They feel best and they do best when they have confidence.

[161] And so I want to build on the successes this week.

[162] So this week, relax and release them.

[163] Release yourself.

[164] Give them space and time and give them tools to succeed and affirm where they are and watch what starts happening.

[165] I want you to learn to enjoy your child.

[166] If you need help with anything, reach out to Casey.

[167] C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateColm .com.

[168] Go to CelebrateColm .com.

[169] We've got a ton of specials going on right now.

[170] And if we can help you any way, we will.

[171] We can do it within your budget because we love you and we want you to enjoy this child.

[172] Love you all.

[173] Talk to you soon and please share this.

[174] Bye -bye.