Flightless Bird: DMV

[0] Hi, I'm David Farrier, and New Zealand are accidentally marooned in America, and I want to figure out what makes this country tick.

[1] Now I've been in America for over a year now, and I've started to a massive variety of American things.

[2] I've got a social security number and health insurance.

[3] I've got an American bank account and a bag full of quarters so I can use the shared laundry in my building.

[4] But one thing I can't use those quarters for is paying for parking, because I don't have a car.

[5] And I don't have a car because I don't have an American driver's life.

[6] According to the DMV, I would have to sit a driving test.

[7] Over 27 million people in California have a driver's license.

[8] Over 227 million Americans have one, because America loves cars.

[9] So what would be more American than heading to the DMV to get my driver's license?

[10] Getting ready to take your California driving test can be overwhelming, even nerve -wracking.

[11] But if you study the California driver handbook and practice your driving skills, you should do just fine.

[12] The DMV is meant to stand for Department of Motor Vehicles, but like all things in America, it's confusing.

[13] In some states, like Alaska, it stands for Division of Motor Vehicles.

[14] Some states throw away DMV altogether.

[15] In Indiana, it's the BMV, the Bureau of Motor Vehicles.

[16] And in Oklahoma, there's the Department of Public Safety and the Tax Commission.

[17] California leads the way in licenses because there are so many drivers, 27 million of them.

[18] Then it's Texas, Florida, and New York.

[19] Wyoming is the state with the least number of driving licenses.

[20] And while I have a New Zealand driver's license, I've been here for too long to use that.

[21] I'd end up in traffic court.

[22] So, hang on to that steering wheel and prepare to hit the gas, because this is the DMV episode.

[23] Flightless, flightless bird touchdown in America.

[24] I'm a flightless.

[25] Now, I'm going to say right at the top, we recorded this documentary a while ago now.

[26] Yeah.

[27] It seems like a really long time ago.

[28] Yeah, it was.

[29] And I think I have sat on it for a while because it was so stressful.

[30] I still am stressed about this entire situation, which we'll find out in the documentary.

[31] We sort of go in depth into things.

[32] I know.

[33] I feel like I can't really say anything.

[34] No, I mean, yeah, we will maybe we'll get into the doc sooner than we usually do.

[35] and sort of talk about that.

[36] But it's funny, 16 is so young to get a license, right?

[37] Like 16 -year -old's got a bit of growth to do.

[38] It doesn't feel it when you're that age.

[39] You feel totally ready and prepared.

[40] But looking back now, yeah, 16 -year -olds, I mean, your frontal lobe isn't even fully developed.

[41] You're 15 when you get your permit.

[42] And that is so little.

[43] Yeah.

[44] Thinking about just driving in America in general, the roads are so much bigger here and so much more overwhelming.

[45] And also, I've started following a lot of local news affiliates on Instagram.

[46] So I'm getting fed all this crime all the time.

[47] Oh.

[48] And there is so much car chase porn.

[49] You know, and I know California is very specific.

[50] But I think all over America, there is a lot more chaos on the roads here.

[51] We're literally, there's a genre of news where you're just watching a car chase.

[52] That's true.

[53] Although, I don't know.

[54] In other countries, I feel like the rules are even less.

[55] It's less policed, yeah When I was in India When I was four Oh my goodness Yeah, that would be a whole other Kettle live fish This is a long time ago Obviously, it's changed But it was chaos Like it was pure chaos There are some places Yeah, with very little rules And it's just 10 lanes of madness Right So It's not that It's not that But it is nutty Did you see recently There was that Tesla driver He was a big Steroided up man And a Tesla And you'd be on a freeway And he would cut in front of you.

[56] He'd hit the brakes.

[57] He'd stop on the freeway.

[58] You'd be forced to kind of stop.

[59] And you couldn't change lanes because people would be racing by on either side.

[60] And he'd get out with like a big bat.

[61] No. And he'd just come up and destroy your car and then hop back in his Tesla.

[62] It's like a Tesla bandit.

[63] They caught him recently.

[64] So they've got him now.

[65] But there was this great fear in California driving.

[66] I was driving with a friend and they were like, I hope the Tesla bandit doesn't strike.

[67] I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[68] No, it's just this moron in a Tesla full of steroids.

[69] who was just destroying people's cars.

[70] So I guess what I'm saying is the idea of hitting the road, it instills me with fear.

[71] Well, like the Bronco, the O .J. Simpson, Bronco chase.

[72] Yeah, one of the first big chases, right?

[73] Huge.

[74] Exciting.

[75] At least that was a slow chase.

[76] At least it wasn't too speedy.

[77] Wait, it was not.

[78] It was fast, right?

[79] It was slower than like your 120 miles an hour kind of chaotic runs.

[80] Sure.

[81] Sometimes you was just gently cruising along almost.

[82] Well, yeah.

[83] And I mean, I guess in America, although, Maybe this is in other countries, but we have drag racing and stuff.

[84] Cars going fast on the road is part of the DNA.

[85] Well, you've got the Fast and Furious franchise, right?

[86] It's one of the biggest franchises of all time.

[87] I grew up in New Zealand with that series, and I love it.

[88] And that's all America.

[89] Yeah, America loves cars.

[90] All this fear is kind of like in me, I suppose.

[91] But look, I need to get my driver's license.

[92] Yes.

[93] The DMV is sort of built up in my head.

[94] Because I've done all this in New Zealand, but it's smaller.

[95] You already did it.

[96] You know?

[97] Yeah.

[98] I hit the streets.

[99] I got some opinions on the actual DMV experience.

[100] because stories vary.

[101] Sure.

[102] Do you have a DMV experience?

[103] I've heard it's hellish in there.

[104] The DMV is pretty bad.

[105] It's usually just a long wait, but if you get someone good, you're probably good to go.

[106] What was your last experience of the DMB?

[107] Very positive.

[108] Yeah, it wasn't great.

[109] I took my driving test when I was 16, which was about four years ago for me. Just very slow.

[110] No one there was happy to help you.

[111] That's pretty much how anything with the government goes here.

[112] At the DMV, it was fine.

[113] I'm from Michigan, so it was quick and simple.

[114] Oh, I had to change my last name because I got married.

[115] Congratulations.

[116] Was it a good experience or a bad one?

[117] It actually was really fast.

[118] It was a really good experience, shockingly, yeah.

[119] What was your last experience at the DMV?

[120] Terrible.

[121] It was at least an hour of wait, and that was in West Virginia with a population of 1 .8 million people.

[122] cool.

[123] My last experience was two years ago when I got my driver's license when I was 16.

[124] It was very laid back because this was in the middle of COVID and I think I was one of the only people taking my driver's test.

[125] Stereotypically the driver's test is oh you have to get in the car with the instructor drive around like the community maybe go on the highway and then come back.

[126] All I had to do was parking the cones.

[127] So they told me to park in the cones and then like take a right turn and then they're like cool you have your driver's license.

[128] I'm so angry at this.

[129] I'm taking my driver's test next week and I'm terrified of this whole scenario.

[130] So yeah, I guess that was one little plus during COVID was really easy driving test for some people.

[131] I'm an idiot, I didn't do it.

[132] This also does remind me though of learning to drive.

[133] Oh my God.

[134] And everyone has that story where likely a parent in my case, my dad, yep, took me to this big parking lot.

[135] Same.

[136] We did a parking lot in New Zealand.

[137] Yeah, kind of like I guess where you take someone to learn how to ride a bike and the panic I could feel emanate also my mom refused like she was like I'm not going to be the person which was right she would have ruined did you take to it or was it a while to get my dad said I was a natural right but he automatic or manual oh my god automatic right my dad made me learn in a manual a bit like my dating philosophy from another Valentine's episode so like learn with the hardest thing and then go to an automatic anyway you were able to do that took a while like lots of bunny hops like when you're changing gears and it's weird because driving is that thing where when you don't know how to do it it's so unnatural it's like do the clutch do the break do that and you can be told that but doing it is so alien yeah and then once you can do it you'll never think about it again that's fascinating because I still don't know how to drive a stick and I would love to learn but why bother like if you don't need to don't bother right but it's a cool skill I think it's like a cool skill it feels like you're really driving it feels it gives you something to do as well when you're bored in the car like you're changing gears and you're doing more stuff I feel embarrassed going to learn at this age this is reminding me of Liz who doesn't know how to drive oh at all no she lives in New York so she doesn't need to but when she's here it does pose a little bit of a problem But when we were recording race to 35, she had looked at the window as I was driving in, and she said, you look so cool driving.

[138] She's envious.

[139] You had like one hand.

[140] I was like, yeah.

[141] It didn't boost my ego a little bit.

[142] I was like, I do look cool.

[143] That's how I feel still when I see people smoking.

[144] Oh, no. I'm like, wow, you look so cool.

[145] I have that feeling.

[146] Okay.

[147] Yeah.

[148] But it is cool that you drive.

[149] That's really nice.

[150] It is cool.

[151] It is cool.

[152] It's cool.

[153] It's a feather in our caps.

[154] I mean, I have some issues with your car, which we'll get to.

[155] Look, I'll just start the dock.

[156] This is my journey towards my driver's license.

[157] A phone call.

[158] I know.

[159] I know.

[160] It's weird, right?

[161] I love it.

[162] No one calls anyone anymore.

[163] No one does it.

[164] I know.

[165] Sometimes he's got to pick up their blower.

[166] What's up?

[167] I've decided to call Fleur, my friend from New Zealand.

[168] She moved to America a long time ago.

[169] So whenever I can't figure something out, call Fleur.

[170] She's always ready with advice and knowledge.

[171] You've done the driver's license thing here, right?

[172] You've got a license?

[173] I do.

[174] I have a license.

[175] Do you have any advice?

[176] Because I've booked myself into the DMV, so I've got to go in there and I think I take my theory test.

[177] Yes, you take your written first.

[178] Any tips?

[179] Practice.

[180] You can find fake ones online because they do stupid things like triple negatives and they make you question your own insanity.

[181] What's a triple negative?

[182] It's like a double negative for triple.

[183] Like, I didn't not not think I was turning left.

[184] Oh, God.

[185] Okay, they really try and catch you out.

[186] Yeah, but that's just all -American bureaucracy, really.

[187] The few times I've tried it, driving in America feels weird to me. For one thing, we drive on the other side of the road in New Zealand, plus the steering wheel is on the other side as well.

[188] I've lost count of the number of times I've gone to get in a friend's car here in America and gotten into the driver's seat instead of the passenger side.

[189] And if I pass that, then I do my practical test.

[190] How do I drive my car to the test place if I'm not allowed to drive yet?

[191] You have to have insurance and you have to take a full driver's license person with you.

[192] And it's really dumb.

[193] And especially if you don't own the car, you have to take someone who owns the car.

[194] I mean, I need the license to get the car, really, don't I?

[195] Luckily, I knew I had Monica Padman to help me. She had a car, a perky little Prius.

[196] And I like to think she'd let me use it to do the test.

[197] I say, goodbye to Fleur and log into DMV .ca .gov. This was my first experience with the Californian DMV, and I feel apprehensive.

[198] What was your last experience at the DMV?

[199] Terrible.

[200] I've been out my computer for so long, trying to log in to DMV .com.

[201] Here we go again.

[202] The website has quite a nice colour scheme, a cool, peaceful blue.

[203] But I don't feel.

[204] peaceful.

[205] Like most government websites I've logged into here, it's a bit of a nightmare.

[206] I spent so much time just sitting in front of a laptop, typing things, going in endless login circles.

[207] Eventually I get in, and then it's a long list of questions.

[208] The DMV is very, very nosy.

[209] What color are my eyes?

[210] Brown?

[211] Color is my hair.

[212] Oh, I mean it was brown, but it's going grey.

[213] Got to pick one.

[214] It's more brown than grey.

[215] Next.

[216] How tall are you?

[217] Next.

[218] Do you plan on using your driver's license to fly?

[219] Oh, like, to get access to a plane, not to fly a plane, not to be piloted a plane, all this just so I can get through to booking the theory test for the driver's license.

[220] Do you wish to be an organ donor?

[221] Of course.

[222] I don't want my organs when I'm dead when I've died in a horrific car crash.

[223] Eventually, I'm given an appointment for my written test.

[224] I download the California driver's handbook, pages and pages of instructions and illustrations about how to drive in the United States of America.

[225] As I flick through, everything is different.

[226] Instead of science proclaiming give way, they just say yield.

[227] The speeds are all different, plus they're in miles per hour instead of kilometers per hour.

[228] The fast lane is always on the left, not the right.

[229] I download some of the sample tests Fleur had suggested, and I seem to be doing okay.

[230] There are a few questions that keep throwing me. Like, Americans are obsessed with what way their wheels are turning when they're parked on a hill.

[231] Look, I get it.

[232] If you're all down the hill, you want the car to turn towards the curb so you stop.

[233] But what the heck?

[234] Are Americans forgetting to put the parking brake on?

[235] Are their parking brakes breaking all the time?

[236] Anyway, the day arrives for the big test.

[237] It's about an hour's walk to the DMV.

[238] I'm walking because I don't have a car because I don't have a license.

[239] So I'm quite sweaty because it's quite hot.

[240] So I'm going to turn up to the DMV sweaty.

[241] I've got my passport, my visa, proof of my address, some credit card statements.

[242] I'm ready, as ready as I'll ever be.

[243] I feel a certain level of anxiety, not because the test's hard, but because the opposite, it's really easy, right?

[244] It's like you're approaching pedestrian crossing, do you run the people over or stop?

[245] So my fear is that I'll fail and it will be embarrassing.

[246] It'll be the most embarrassing test to fail because it's so easy.

[247] That's my main worry about all this.

[248] Stay tuned for more flightless bird.

[249] We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

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[266] This episode of Flightless Bird is brought to you by Primal Kitchen.

[267] I got some of that ketchup and an Australian friend was in town.

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[290] I've booked myself into the Hollywood DMV, which seems to be one of the most chaotic.

[291] I figure baptism by fire is the best option.

[292] Now serving G066 at window number 10.

[293] I hand over my passport, my main source of ID in America, seeing as I don't have a US license.

[294] I get my eyes checked.

[295] A, D, F, K, L, M, S, I pass with flying colours.

[296] I'm handed a form and I wait some more.

[297] And then I'm led into a little room with little booths.

[298] This is it.

[299] Oh my God, that was so tense.

[300] I passed.

[301] Oh, I feel relief, excitement, this potential new life now.

[302] Imagine having a car.

[303] It was so stressful because I did the test run on the internet and it was 10 questions in the test.

[304] But the test I just took was about 30 questions.

[305] And I also feel like I definitely got more than three wrong just because I was sort of rushing through and maybe because I'm a bit dumb.

[306] But it was very different to what I thought it would be.

[307] Oh, but I'm so happy.

[308] Walking home, I kept thinking about it and I realized that I think you get three attempts to pass.

[309] I think what happened is I kept failing and the test just kept repeating so I guess on attempt three I got enough questions correct to pass.

[310] Most exciting of all, I now had a form with a date for my practical driving test the day I'd hit the road to prove I had the right stuff.

[311] The big day arrives.

[312] I get dressed, splash from cold water on my face and head outside to meet Monica who's agreed to drive me to my test.

[313] My friend just texted me saying when he took his test he failed twice before he'd even left the yard.

[314] One time his tire bumped over the curb and I think the other time I don't know what happened the other time but he failed twice.

[315] Oh my God.

[316] I don't even know what the speed limits are.

[317] Is it 35?

[318] As in New Zealand we do kilometres per hour but here it's miles it's a different thing.

[319] It's a sunny day, a good day for driving and one of the dirtiest cars of ever seen pulls up to the curb.

[320] Here it is, what a beauty.

[321] Wow, it's so dirty.

[322] Okay, are we going to get in trouble that is so dirty?

[323] Monica peers out from her Prius, looking like she's just emerged from a long trip through some sort of dust storm.

[324] Her tiny Prius is usually shiny and white, but this is a dusty brown mess.

[325] Looks like it's in a war zone and someone's disguised it to look like dirt, so we don't get shot at.

[326] Okay, so we debated this a lot.

[327] Monica has a brand new car, and she said we should take that.

[328] But I said if we turned up to the DMV and a shiny Mercedes, that hate me, and there's more of a chance to fail me. I suggested we take her old car, the Prius, and they might take pity on me. Look, this reasoning probably says more about the mindset of a New Zealander than anything about America.

[329] Should we swap over?

[330] I'll drive.

[331] And you can teach me. It's so dirty.

[332] What happened?

[333] I don't know.

[334] It's just been parked in my driveway, and I'm kind of angry because I feel like it hasn't been there for long enough for it to look like this.

[335] I convinced Monica to take her old car, but looking at it now, I'm wondering if I'd made a terrible, terrible mistake.

[336] Anyway, we're here now.

[337] There's no stopping this roller coaster.

[338] There's no getting off.

[339] I get into the driver's seat, as I assume I might as well have a free driving lesson from Monica on the 20 -minute drive to the test.

[340] This is the emergency break If they ask you about that We call their handbrake In New Zealand Okay, it's called the emergency break Here, the E break Oh, you're doing good Yeah, I'm remembering Oh my God, your knees are touching the wheel Monica's car is small I am very big All of my limbs are touching a surface There's just not enough room Everyone arrives at a stop sign Yep At the same time, what do I do?

[341] It's the person who arrives first And then it goes in order to the left But the part that I still don't know is if everyone literally comes at the exact same time to a screeching halt.

[342] Yeah, they're all there.

[343] What happens?

[344] Look, really, people just go willy -nilly.

[345] Okay.

[346] What speed is it in a residential area like this?

[347] I'm going 22 miles an hour.

[348] That's too slow.

[349] Too slow?

[350] Yeah.

[351] I think 35.

[352] Right on red.

[353] What?

[354] We don't have right on red.

[355] I can go now, right?

[356] If there's not a car coming.

[357] If there's not a car, you can turn right right now.

[358] So this is okay?

[359] Yep.

[360] Then no pedestrians, double -check for pedestrians both ways.

[361] Do you know how outrageous it is that you can essentially run a red light in America?

[362] I'm blown away by all the cars around me. I mean, America loves vehicles.

[363] It has around 296 million of them, only topped by China, which has 305 million.

[364] Compare that to New Zealand.

[365] which has about 4 .5 million cars.

[366] But here's the thing.

[367] Both America and New Zealand are car obsessed.

[368] And when it comes to vehicles per capita, America and New Zealand are neck and neck.

[369] In the top 10 car -loving countries on the planet.

[370] In America, there are 8 .9 cars per 10 people.

[371] In New Zealand, there are 8 .8 cars per 10 people.

[372] Here's the thing.

[373] You are not obligated to turn right on red.

[374] You're not.

[375] But you live in Los Angeles, and people got to get places, and they're going to be honking at you.

[376] Yes.

[377] So you do need to be aware.

[378] You need to turn right on red if you can.

[379] Careful, though, because there are some places, there are signs that say no right on red.

[380] So you be aware of that in case he takes you to one of those places.

[381] Okay, because they'll be trying to trick me. They're tricksters.

[382] Yeah, they're going to try to trick you.

[383] And someone behind you, this happened to me. I was at a no ride on red I was stopped and someone behind me was honking they wanted me to go so bad and I was like I'm not going I'm following the rules but good they'll be precious as we've been driving we both noticed the mirrors are dusty too as well as the windows that might be an instant fail we need to get clean should we get a car wash this makes me so anxious okay for some back green means go green means go that's good why don't you try switching lanes.

[384] Okay.

[385] Monica keys a car wash into Google Maps.

[386] We'll stop there on the way.

[387] Will he take you on the interstate?

[388] I hope not.

[389] Oh my God.

[390] I don't want to be on there.

[391] I don't think he will.

[392] Well, he might because he might want to see you merge.

[393] Okay, don't.

[394] Okay, David just...

[395] He's crossing.

[396] David just gave someone the bird.

[397] They tuted me when I was waiting for someone to cross.

[398] If your phone rings Answer it No!

[399] Oh my God Hands free?

[400] Absolutely hands free You may not touch your phone in the car What if it's text calling and it's about the show?

[401] They won't care They will not care Okay you can go You just got honked again As I've been driving I've noticed Monica doesn't seem to be all that at ease With my driving So you're going pretty slow I'm so nervous.

[402] There's so many hazards everywhere, aren't that in our age?

[403] You've failed me. No, we will.

[404] Okay.

[405] Keep in mind, this is the first time I've driven.

[406] Okay, good, you're going to have to...

[407] In a long time.

[408] You're going to have to...

[409] Oh boy.

[410] Did you do your signal before you turn just now?

[411] I decided to do it after.

[412] Sort of as an afterthought.

[413] It doesn't...

[414] I didn't know what we were in for.

[415] If I do get my license, they're going to revoke it off me when they hear this show.

[416] I'm not sure what it could be.

[417] Certainly not the stress of my driving through the middle of Hollywood.

[418] But Monica's also starting to sound a bit grumpy.

[419] Turn left here.

[420] Have you been to this car wash before?

[421] I have.

[422] But this one takes forever, so we need to see if there's like a drive -thru.

[423] Okay, this is good.

[424] You're going to be turning left, and you're going to look for pedestrians.

[425] No one's coming, so go, yes.

[426] We pull into the car wash and a friendly looking man approaches.

[427] But as he looks at the state of the car, his eyes narrow.

[428] Hi.

[429] I'm taking my driving test in half an hour, so I think I might need to clean the car or they might fail me. Oh, it's impossible to clean this car.

[430] It's too dirty?

[431] Too dirty.

[432] Have you ever seen a car this dirty before?

[433] Oh, yeah.

[434] Oh, yeah.

[435] 33 years I do this job.

[436] I see more than that.

[437] What's the dirtiest car you've ever seen?

[438] The RV.

[439] after burning men still he says our car is bad impossible for the car wash we'll have to get his team of humans onto it I charge only 45 bucks it's usually 65 by going to all hand wash for you because machine is never going to clean this car oh my god it's too dirty for a car wash to clean while the car's getting cleaned we duck next door to get some caffeine in our veins I need to be awake for this test Monica brags that she passed her driving test on the first go.

[440] I don't know anyone.

[441] I literally don't know anyone who's failed this portion of the test.

[442] In New Zealand, you have to be 18 to get a license.

[443] I can't believe it's 16 here in America.

[444] I think Monica can sense my nerves, so she offers to get me a treat.

[445] I wouldn't mind maybe a twixt to celebrate afterwards if I pass.

[446] Yeah, I'll...

[447] And don't give it to me. Yep.

[448] I need up the stakes with this Twix bar.

[449] I'm going to give it to you whether you fail or pass.

[450] Just so you know.

[451] Thank you.

[452] While Monica is confident, the cafe staff are less so.

[453] Did you guys pass your driving test the first time?

[454] Yes, I did.

[455] Failure.

[456] Took me twice.

[457] What did you do wrong?

[458] Back up in a straight line.

[459] When my friends did it, she said that she like rolled to a stop and she almost got into an accident.

[460] Everyone I've talked to so far is like, yeah, I definitely didn't pass it the first time.

[461] He didn't back up in a straight line.

[462] We got to practice.

[463] Okay, when we're leaving the car wash, practice backing out in a straight line of the car wash. We're starting to get behind schedule, but Monica decides to order a keesh.

[464] I think it's good you'll have something to eat while I'm out on the streets, getting my test.

[465] Because I'll be starving and I'll be worried about you.

[466] How are we doing for time?

[467] Do we know?

[468] It's 937.

[469] I am the type of person who needs, like, if I have a big thing like this, I would need to be there very early and feel very calm.

[470] Like, for auditions, I would always leave so early.

[471] We dash back out to the car wash, and it's like we're looking at an entirely new car.

[472] Oh, it's looking so good, clean.

[473] Great.

[474] Wow.

[475] With a clean Prius, there's no more excuses.

[476] This is it.

[477] We set off for our final destination, the DMV.

[478] Stay tuned for more flightless bird.

[479] We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

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[518] Okay, Monica's going to take a quick break.

[519] As a story climaxes Really going into a lot of detail In this documentary The journey of the kish The kish was a big part It was a lot of kish Stunk of kish I had to just wash my clothes It was stunk of fucking kish How dare you?

[520] You love that kish How is it?

[521] Because I think it's funny sometimes When you listen back to yourself being recorded And I noticed how stressed out you were getting Yeah What did you think of your grumpy voice?

[522] Okay First of all I was not grumpy I was in a perfectly good movie that day.

[523] I just noticed so driving went on started a bit lighter and you seemed to be getting a bit more tense during the drive.

[524] I was surprised at your lack of knowledge about the American road system.

[525] Yeah.

[526] And I was starting to get anxious that this might not go well.

[527] Yeah, you'd lost some confidence in me. I did.

[528] Who was driving you around some intense bits of road in Hollywood?

[529] And I was very regretful that we didn't take the Mercedes.

[530] Yeah, you're kicking yourself for not pushing it more.

[531] Because I really pushed back on the Mercedes.

[532] I was like, they're going to think it's too fancy pants.

[533] And Dak said the same thing.

[534] He corroborated that theory with you.

[535] Such a dusty mess of a car.

[536] It was fucking disgusting.

[537] I could not believe it when I walked up.

[538] It was at my house.

[539] I drove to my house to pick up the car, saw that it was in horrible shape.

[540] I didn't have the key.

[541] I had to basically break into Daxon -Crisons house.

[542] They were not there because the key was at their house.

[543] It was a hold to do.

[544] You know what, though?

[545] This reminded me, it's not fair.

[546] My Prius does not have a backup camera.

[547] Like, my Mercedes, it will beep at you if something's coming.

[548] It's very dependent on what kind of car you have.

[549] Yeah, you take a fancier car and it's going to give you all this help, right?

[550] And I've got this.

[551] I mean, your car is going to be no help.

[552] So I drove this before.

[553] You lent it to me. So this is this weird thing.

[554] For six months, I'm allowed to drive on my New Zealand license.

[555] After that six months, that becomes dicey.

[556] And if you get pulled over, they can take you to traffic court.

[557] Yeah.

[558] So I borrowed that fucking Prius for a while when I first got here.

[559] The tire blew up on the freeway.

[560] So I'd been for a swim.

[561] So, yeah, I decided, for one thing, a bold call, but not to get changed to the pool.

[562] I just wrapped a towel around myself because I just couldn't be, I was going home.

[563] I'm jumping in that preas and going home.

[564] your tire blew up on the way home and so I had to violently go across all these rounds of traffic and then I had to figure out how to get someone to help me and I was on the freeway and like this towel it was so scary this car is cursed Hey I just knocked on wood because it's a very reliable car the only bad things that have happened in it are when you are in it and look to be honest hearing this knowing how little you know about driving.

[565] I can't believe I even let you that car to drive around.

[566] You should have seen how it was treated.

[567] Should have tested you before I lent it to you.

[568] Obviously, I studied the handbook, the driver's handbook, and I thought I'd gotten a lot of things together.

[569] But when I was really out there with you, I realized how little I knew.

[570] Oh, can I give a little hint, tip, trick and tip?

[571] Please.

[572] The car wheels, the way you turn them on a curb, on a hill.

[573] Oh, yeah.

[574] I mean, we had to learn that for our driver's touch.

[575] but that's never applicable in Georgia.

[576] You're not really on hills.

[577] Oh, so that's California specific.

[578] No, it's on the Georgia test, but you're never in the actual scenario.

[579] But here you are a lot, and you will get a ticket if your wheels are not turned the right way.

[580] It's so weird.

[581] When a car's rolling back downhill?

[582] Like, when is this ever happening?

[583] It's wild to me. But a trick is up, up and away.

[584] Okay, please, that does not.

[585] helping.

[586] Yes, of course.

[587] Up, up.

[588] If you're uphill, you turn the tires away from the curb.

[589] Up, up and away.

[590] It's a perfect hint.

[591] And what's...

[592] I made it up myself.

[593] Yeah, because I made it up.

[594] And I think it's great.

[595] You made that?

[596] Yeah.

[597] Monica, that's so, such a great little trick.

[598] Thank you.

[599] Okay, thank you.

[600] Okay, I'm going to, we'll get back into our horror journey.

[601] We have a lot left to go.

[602] We're five minutes away from the Department of Motor Vehicles.

[603] Monica is halfway through her keesh.

[604] It is interesting where you take your driver's test.

[605] So I took mine in Georgia, obviously.

[606] That's where I get my license.

[607] But because of the timing, we went to this DMV two hours away.

[608] Kind of in the middle of nowhere.

[609] My dad took me. And so it was an easy place to pass it because there wasn't like, you're not, Not taking a test in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard.

[610] Yeah, potentially I have pitched one of the more hectic areas to take the test in.

[611] In New Zealand, we take a Lord of the Rings approach to driver's licenses, one ring to rule them all.

[612] One license works everywhere in New Zealand.

[613] But in America, licenses are issued by each state.

[614] I'd assume the federal government would do it, so one size fits all.

[615] But no, to drive in California, I'd need a Californian driver's license.

[616] If you get your driver's license in another state, when I moved to L .A., I had to take the written portion, but I didn't have to retake the driving portion.

[617] Did Dex pass this the first time?

[618] Do you know?

[619] If he didn't, that is the reveal of a lifetime.

[620] I would guess, yes, since he's been driving since he was like two years old.

[621] but he does hate authority and I could see him getting violent As we've been talking I've been waiting for a very slow old man to use the pedestrian crossing before I turn He's not in front of me anymore But he's still on the crossing So I've just been waiting No David you cannot wait till that person crosses All the way over you are going to get honked at You're going to feel pressure And then you're going to hit someone on a bike Fuck I'm nervous that that is a rule and just that it's one of those rules that nobody follows.

[622] I'm not sure what to think.

[623] I'm sure I read the road rules book that if anyone is anywhere on the pedestrian crossing, I have to wait, even if they're on the other side of the road.

[624] I'm not saying I don't trust Monica, but I don't entirely trust Monica.

[625] I'll call Dax and see if he answers.

[626] Oh, good call.

[627] Hi, Dax, how are you?

[628] I'm really good.

[629] I just had a really quick question for you.

[630] If there's a pedestrian crossing and they've got the little white man, and that crossing, do I have to wait till they're completely off the pedestrian crossing until I turn?

[631] Yeah, from the second they step off the sidewalk, until they get back on the sidewalk, you are supposed to stay completely still.

[632] No, are you serious?

[633] Yeah, I do not abide by that.

[634] No one does.

[635] Oh, my God, I'm so glad we called you because I just told him you could.

[636] I'm actually FaceTiming decks, which is probably quite bad when you're driving.

[637] And he notices the fluffy microphone on the record.

[638] I'm using to make the podcast.

[639] And then I have to say, I only saw the top of it, and I thought, my goodness, he's brought a cat to his driving test.

[640] This is just a little windsock.

[641] Which made more sense than, oh, that must be some kind of recording equipment.

[642] I wish I had a cat on my lap.

[643] You know we're at your favorite place on Earth.

[644] Where are you, actually?

[645] Disneyland.

[646] How depressing.

[647] You can see the high.

[648] hierarchy here.

[649] I'm after the DMV, and Dax, quite possibly turning into a Disney adult, is having a great day at Disneyland.

[650] Disney or DMV, what would you pick?

[651] Of course the mom has to take the sun.

[652] Dax, did you pass your driving tests on the first try?

[653] Yeah.

[654] You know what I got warnings for was I was a little cocky?

[655] I was driving with one hand and they were like 10 and 2 and I said, I know, but for real.

[656] 10 and 2, that's a good thing to remember.

[657] Are your clocks in New Zealand position the same way as ours, David?

[658] It's 12 at the top.

[659] Yeah, our clocks are very similar to America's clocks, yes.

[660] Okay, then you should be fine.

[661] It's 10 and 2 then.

[662] I'm a bit stressed about the whole thing, because I did so many things wrong even on the test drive with Monica just now.

[663] People tooting at you all the time, even when you're doing the right thing.

[664] People tut you here for doing the right thing, you know?

[665] Well, I'd argue you're liable to get tuned it at.

[666] specifically for doing the right thing, i .e., waiting at a stop sign for three seconds.

[667] Bullshit, too long, let's go.

[668] And I guess we're all having our own little ride here today.

[669] We're taking you're going to be on the car's ride, and I'm going to be on the car's driving test.

[670] It's sort of similar, isn't it?

[671] Have you considered trying to get your motorcycles permit while you're down there?

[672] Two birds, one's down.

[673] I haven't thought about that yet.

[674] I think I'll do that at a different time, maybe under your instruction.

[675] Now, that's a challenging episode.

[676] Like, what you're doing right now is Foreplay, but if you want a deep dick, let's do an episode on you getting your motorcycles license.

[677] I'm not ready to deep dick anything, so I hang up.

[678] I can see the DMV looming in front of us.

[679] I feel like it's taken an eternity to get to this moment, and it's finally arrived.

[680] Oh, no, you look so scared.

[681] I just, I haven't felt this much pressure in such a long time.

[682] I think the last time I felt this much pressure was.

[683] the first time I had sex.

[684] That was over very quickly.

[685] I hope today would be more successful for everyone involved.

[686] It'll be fine.

[687] You get your twigs either way.

[688] Just take a breath and you'll be great.

[689] So we're...

[690] I'm like to take my little boy to get his driver's license.

[691] This is so cute.

[692] I'm so happy.

[693] It's your oversized child.

[694] Time for Sinney's driving test.

[695] So we're approaching the DMV now.

[696] It doesn't have a lot of kids.

[697] character this building.

[698] This is something for you to remember.

[699] He wants to give you the license or she.

[700] Yeah, they're not out to trick me. Yeah.

[701] Okay, now that's a good point.

[702] You'll also be aware of tricks.

[703] The doors of the DMV slide open and we enter.

[704] Zero, zero, seven, and window number 13.

[705] Okay, so they made us turn the recorder off inside, but we have run into a slight problem at the desk.

[706] She said that we need to show my driver's license, my registration for the car and my insurance for the car.

[707] I did have the registration, but I don't have a current insurance card.

[708] Um, that one in there is expired.

[709] I do have current insurance.

[710] I just don't have the card.

[711] So now I need.

[712] I love now.

[713] I love now that you're a little bit flustered as well.

[714] Now you're feeling what I'm feeling.

[715] This is good.

[716] Is it, is it good that you put me in this position?

[717] We go back outside and Monica digs around in her glove box for papers.

[718] She makes some calls and she makes some more calls and somehow manages to get her insurance details.

[719] The test is back on.

[720] We get in our car and get in line.

[721] We're back on.

[722] Okay, that was scary.

[723] That got a little bit.

[724] It got hairy.

[725] It got hairy, got anxiety provoking.

[726] And David wanted to quit and I said, no, we're pushing through this.

[727] Okay, we're number two now.

[728] Moving on up.

[729] Don't hit that guy.

[730] A woman appears in DMV uniform.

[731] She has a clipboard in hand, so I know things are about to get serious.

[732] I'd be hoping Monica could just sit in the back with her kish, but the woman with a clipboard banishes Monica from the car.

[733] I'm left alone.

[734] Bye.

[735] Thank you.

[736] Good luck, David.

[737] Thank you.

[738] All right.

[739] Okay, I'll take my kish.

[740] What the heck out of here?

[741] I hand Monica my recorder, so she can document things from outside the car.

[742] This is what she recorded.

[743] Off he goes.

[744] My little sinny.

[745] All grown up.

[746] Okay, he's turning on the windshield wipers.

[747] He's done that well.

[748] Did his turn signals.

[749] Stepped on the break.

[750] Then, disaster.

[751] Oh, fuck.

[752] They're calling me back over.

[753] Look, to cut a long story short, Monica's horn didn't work.

[754] She had no horn.

[755] And with no horn, I'm not even.

[756] allowed to leave the lot.

[757] It turns out this test was like my first sexual experience after all, practically over before it had really even started.

[758] Oh my fucking.

[759] It wasn't meant to happen.

[760] So at the end of the day, your car was the failure.

[761] Mechanical failure.

[762] You've got no tooth on your horn.

[763] I feel a lot of things right now.

[764] I feel incredibly annoyed.

[765] It's like it was something out of about control.

[766] I wasted your whole day.

[767] You didn't, we're being on a journey together.

[768] I think we've learned about our approaches to stress and to life.

[769] I just feel so happy because my stress is gone.

[770] I'm like, thank God I don't need to do this yet.

[771] But we needed to get it done.

[772] We do need to get it done.

[773] I mean, basically, it's punishment for any guilt you feel for your porn not honking.

[774] It just means you have to come back and do this again at the DMV, another day at the DMV.

[775] We're going to do another day at the DMV.

[776] We're going to do a round two.

[777] This is a cliffhanger, y 'all.

[778] Part one of...

[779] 10.

[780] 10.

[781] That series.

[782] It'll take us through next year.

[783] Okay.

[784] Well, I think here's one thing I'll say.

[785] We both got very American.

[786] The DMV could not be more American.

[787] Slow lines, American government.

[788] Admin, just administration, forms.

[789] Exactly.

[790] People yelling.

[791] Okay.

[792] Well, all right.

[793] 100 % more American, zero driver's license.

[794] I mean, what a journey into failure, wasn't it?

[795] Oh, revisiting that was making me feel sweaty.

[796] And that was cut back from some other administrative chaos that went on as well.

[797] Yeah.

[798] There was a few back and forths.

[799] There was a lot of back and forths.

[800] I gave the Mercedes registration on accident.

[801] I was ready to just leave multiple times.

[802] I know.

[803] And you pushed on.

[804] And that would have been so amazing if we had actually taken this.

[805] But look, the good thing is, you know, we recorded this a long time ago that I have still been too scared to rebook it.

[806] So I'm going to do that very soon.

[807] And we're going to go back in there.

[808] I've been studying up on the road code.

[809] When I've been driving with friends, I've been looking at what they've been doing.

[810] Okay.

[811] Looking at speeds and studying.

[812] And so I think it was all for a reason.

[813] And on my end, I have replaced my horn and got everything in order.

[814] Great.

[815] Not to throw you under the bus.

[816] But I was a little angry at you.

[817] because since that because the night before I texted you I said is there anything we need to have and you said no and there were things we needed you were so many papers that you needed so many documents so much proof that your car was roadworthy and none of that was there and so that was a huge issue but on the plus side you could have saved my life because what if I was driving that car and someone was going to hit me and I didn't have a horn completely you've got the horn now a horn so important you only realize you need a horn when you really really need it in retrospect the horn made sense that it wasn't working because the last five months I was driving it I maybe honked my horn like twice I never use it but both times I did that I would just like beep and it would go it would go be it would never stop and I would like slam and slam because it's so aggressive were you play so I forgot about it so you were you just that corner's absolutely wrecked the whole time for a while yeah but I forgot what if it hadn't fully broken and I've gone a little two and it just blared out for 20 seconds that would have been horrific you set me up in a way to fail potentially listen when you move on to a Mercedes you just forget you forget you know you You know that horn was wrecked before we went in.

[818] I forgot.

[819] I didn't even consider the fact that they make you honk it.

[820] Will you go back in with me?

[821] Yes.

[822] When I do round two?

[823] Of course.

[824] Mornings or afternoons are better for you.

[825] When do I book it for?

[826] Let's do morning just in case this happens again.

[827] We set off at 4 a .m. Probably knowing how history get there about 10 a .m. We have to stop with the car wash on the way.

[828] Car wash, coffee, Kish.

[829] You're going to take the Mercedes this time, right?

[830] I was going to say, how do you feel about that?

[831] I'll take the Mercedes.

[832] Okay, don't crash it, though.

[833] You got good insurance?

[834] The car's nice.

[835] If I crash it, it'll be covered with your insurance.

[836] I don't have insurance.

[837] It'll be covered.

[838] Great.

[839] Yeah, but I like that car.

[840] I can always iron out the dings.

[841] It'll be fine.

[842] Oh, my God, that is morbid.

[843] Do you think anyone's ever died on their driving test?

[844] Oh, that's actually a really good question.

[845] I have no doubt it has happened at some point.

[846] Yeah.

[847] Oh, horrific.

[848] I tried to get someone from the DMV to talk for the episode none of them responded so I would love to know that side and we do give a lot of shit to the DMV I think because it is administrative hell but we met a couple of really lovely we did some real baddies and some real goodies and it was there was no one in between yeah they're either angelic or like demons yeah and we had a couple different people who were going to do the test with you and one was super nice yeah I want that person yeah we wanted that person and the other one we someone slightly less kind That's right.

[849] But hey, I'm sure they all do a great job.

[850] They will do a great job.

[851] We'll go back.

[852] We'll do a morning.

[853] I'm going to get my license.

[854] And then I can road trip for this podcast more.

[855] We should ask if anyone works at the DMV that wants to talk to you for part two.

[856] Oh yeah.

[857] If anyone works with the DMV, just slide into my DMs.

[858] I would love to talk to you.

[859] Maybe get a bit of help for this.

[860] Yeah, help.

[861] Oh, God.

[862] It's just ended there.

[863] It was right there.

[864] All right.

[865] More American or less?

[866] Less.

[867] More.

[868] I stand by more.

[869] American bureaucracy at its finest.

[870] We did hours of it.

[871] All right.

[872] Part two soon.

[873] Part two.