No, Your Kids DO NOT Want Your Attention—They Want This.

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[24] If you have a strong will child within the next 24 hours, you will probably have to calm that child, discipline that child, motivate that child, get that child to stop being defiant and stop from hitting siblings or something like that, right?

[25] And that's hard to do.

[26] Today, I want to give you one tool that you can practice this week that will work in so many different situations.

[27] And that's why I'm excited about today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[28] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin Founder Celebrate Calm.

[29] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[30] If you find this podcast helpful, please share it with other parents because other parents are struggling like all of us do because raising a strong will child is not easy.

[31] All of the strategies that you learn tend to backfire on the strong will child, right?

[32] So if you struggle with your strong will child, contact, reach out to our strong will child.

[33] His name is Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[34] Tell us about your family.

[35] What are you struggling with, ages of your kids?

[36] We will respond personally.

[37] this doesn't go to some junk mail thing or some robot bot that answers we answer personally and we answer pretty quickly usually because this is our family mission we'll give you some ideas some insights some strategies if you know it need to help personally to put together a custom package of our resources specifically for your family within your budget just ask casey he's awesome at helping people so here's what i've heard for the last 20 years from parents well my child is just doing that because he wants our attention.

[38] No, no, no, no. This is really, really important.

[39] I want it.

[40] This is an important distinction.

[41] Your child does not want your attention.

[42] Your child wants, needs, craves your intensity.

[43] Please write down the word intensity.

[44] They want your intense emotional involvement.

[45] If you don't feel like taking notes, sign up for a free newsletter at Celebrate Calm or just email Casey about it because I put all of this in a short summary.

[46] And two times a week, I do a short summary and sometimes people like the words written down and we actually, you know, when we give you a script, it's written and that's very, very helpful.

[47] So they want your intensity.

[48] They don't want your attention.

[49] The brain physically craves intensity.

[50] Many of you have kids who have brains that are always seeking brain stimulation because their brains are physiologically understimulated.

[51] So the reason that they doodle and tap pencils and bounce their legs and chew on things, the reason that they procrastinate is because they need the brain stimulation.

[52] Why do you think they pick on siblings and push your buttons?

[53] Because watch, all I have to do if I'm a kid is I look at my sister the wrong way or say something mean to her.

[54] All of a sudden my sister is upset, which makes mom upset, which gets that upset.

[55] And by looking at my sister, I got three people giving me intense emotional involvement.

[56] Now, the problem with that is that we train their brain.

[57] by constantly doing this to give intense emotional involvement when they do things wrong.

[58] And the scary part is their brains physically change, physically change, and they begin seeking intensity from doing things the wrong way.

[59] And they do that at school and they do that at home.

[60] So we've got to change that.

[61] So I want to give you three different ways to handle it this week.

[62] Number one, acknowledge with intensity.

[63] I want you to acknowledge that what they're doing is interesting to them with intensity.

[64] I want you to acknowledge their emotions and their frustration with intensity.

[65] Now, picture this.

[66] Something happens to you and you're really upset or frustrated.

[67] So you call your best friend.

[68] And if your best friend says, I don't know why you're upset about that, you're just overreacting.

[69] You're like, now I'm angry at you, right?

[70] Because that's what your spouse does to you all the time.

[71] We as men often do that to our wives.

[72] Oh, honey, there's no need to be upset.

[73] You're just overreacting.

[74] And that's very damaging and harmful to the relationship.

[75] And the reason we do that is because we don't know how to be comfortable with emotions and haven't learned yet that our job is not to fix you or fix situations.

[76] Our job is just to listen and acknowledge that.

[77] It's one of the key things you will learn.

[78] If you go through our marriage program, we're including it free for Mother's Day this week because it is so, so important.

[79] Look, maturity as a man is not me trying to fix my wife.

[80] Because watch what happens.

[81] I wasn't planning on this, but this is really good.

[82] When I try to fix my wife's emotions, you know what I'm really saying?

[83] I need you to change your emotions because I can't handle them.

[84] I need you to change because your emotions make me uncomfortable.

[85] See, maturity is when I can look at my wife and say, of course you'd be frustrated.

[86] Of course you'd be upset.

[87] right when I do that and I don't have to fix it and I can say look if you if you want to talk later come and grab me I'd love to listen because my job I don't have to fix that and I'm comfortable with my wife being upset and I'm comfortable with my wife being quiet when she needs to be that's maturity that will build trust and that will build a good marriage you've got to work on those skills so let's start doing that with our kids so here Here are some good phrases.

[88] Of course you want to go to Jimmy's house for a sleepover tonight.

[89] I've just acknowledged.

[90] Now I don't have to say, okay, let's go.

[91] I'm going to let you.

[92] I can say, but it's not happening tonight.

[93] See, remember my no is always even, matter of fact.

[94] Of course you want that new video game.

[95] It sounds really cool.

[96] That's acknowledging.

[97] Look, one of the deepest human needs is simply to be heard.

[98] but what we do is dismiss well you know you've already got these video games you don't play with and it's going to rot your brain and wherever given it too much I don't have to do that but I also don't have to do the opposite of like of course that's a cool video game you know what go find my car keys in my wallet we're going to go right now I'm going to buy you whatever you want no we're not doing that I'm simply acknowledging that what you're excited about is exciting to you and I've acknowledged that right like if your friend if you call your friend be like oh I just wanted to share what my child did today and they're like, oh yeah, my child did that a couple weeks ago and even better.

[99] You're like, I hate you.

[100] You're no longer my friend.

[101] All you wanted to hear is, oh, that must be so exciting.

[102] That must be so gratifying for you.

[103] And then it completes it, right?

[104] So you don't have to give in.

[105] Here's another one.

[106] Your child is getting upset or frustrated.

[107] Oh, man, if I were you, I'd be really frustrated too.

[108] Now, it doesn't mean, watch this one.

[109] Oh, you know, if my sister did to that to me, I'd have been really frustrated too.

[110] I think you should go in the other room and slap her in the face.

[111] That's not what you say.

[112] You're just acknowledging that it's normal for her to be frustrated.

[113] And that's very calming.

[114] One of our favorite examples from live workshops, which we're booking again, which is cool, is one where I go through a child who struggles with anxiety and you're just trying to get them to the taekwondo practice because when they go, they actually enjoy it but getting there is miserable because they've got all these unknowns and so they end up saying things like you're stupid i hate you i'm not going to taekwondo it's the dumbest thing ever you can't make me and we get all uh all upset and it ends up being a three -hour ordeal they never go and then it ruins our relationship with our child because we say awful things and all we needed to say in that moment is of course you're anxious of course you're a little nervous going to a new place with a instructor and new kids where you don't know what's going to happen, of course you're anxious.

[115] See, sometimes just validating the feeling and normalizing it, in our society, normalizing it instead of making like, oh, I can't, you know what, my child just, he's got anxiety about new things, and I think I need to take him to someone to talk about it every week so he becomes even more anxious.

[116] No, I normalize it.

[117] Of course, of course you're nervous.

[118] Going to a new place where there are new, look, if I, when I go to new places with new people and I don't know what to expect.

[119] I'm a little bit anxious about that.

[120] See, I just normalized it so the child doesn't feel like there's something wrong with him.

[121] I could stop the podcast right now and that's enough because that will really help in your home, but let's do that this week.

[122] Number two, I want you to praise or affirm with intensity.

[123] So here's what's happening in our home.

[124] What I alluded to it before.

[125] what happens is we wait until our child messes up and then we give them all of our intensity how many times have i told you not to do that you know what i have to tell you one more time you know what were you thinking how many times you're right i come home from work and when i used to come home from work and i was on case he was always like why did you do that you know what if you can't stop doing that and all of my intense emotional involvement was going toward what when he did something wrong or made a bad choice.

[126] And guess what it did?

[127] One, it crushed his little spirit.

[128] It hurt his heart and it physically changed his brain because here's what my son learned early in life.

[129] If I want my dad's intensity and I crave it, if their dad's listening, they need you.

[130] They crave and need your positive intensity.

[131] I was raised with a dad whose career military and Everything was negative, and that does not work.

[132] It ruins the relationship, and dads, these kids need our intensity in positive ways.

[133] They want to please us, but they don't know how.

[134] And we inadvertently change the physical structure of their brains by always responding.

[135] Mom, we do the same thing, right?

[136] We're standing in the kitchen.

[137] Your kids are playing the living room, and what happens?

[138] For 12 minutes, we don't notice anything.

[139] But in the 12th minute, there's a little chaos going on, and they're starting, and now it unnerves us, and we go, you know what, guys, you know what, I try to give you all these video games, try to play with you, I make life nice, and you can't even play well together for 12 minutes.

[140] And what did they just learn?

[141] If I want my mom's intensity, let's start fighting or doing something wrong.

[142] Why not after seven minutes, just pop your head and say, guys, you know what's really cool?

[143] You guys been playing well together?

[144] Like seven minutes?

[145] It shows me you're growing up.

[146] That's it.

[147] Short and sweet.

[148] I don't, here's the, the odd thing about some of your kids is they need the praise, they need the intensity, but it can't be too much.

[149] So very few words, very matter of fact at times.

[150] Okay, because what happens is it sounds like this, oh, you made such a good choice.

[151] And we make a big deal out of it and then your kids resist it and shut down because it sounds fake.

[152] We never thought you'd actually make a good choice, but you just did so we're going to throw a party.

[153] No. Simple things, like just walking by and saying, hey, proud of you.

[154] That was a good choice.

[155] Hey, so when I began changing, I would come home from work and say, Hey, Case, mom said you were really helpful this afternoon.

[156] Man, shows me you're growing up.

[157] Fist bump.

[158] And I'd walk away.

[159] Five to seven seconds.

[160] That was intense, right?

[161] Because it was intense, positive stuff of like, sometimes just giving a fist bump is really good intensity for positive intensity.

[162] And remember, we praise for progress, not perfection.

[163] If you're waiting for perfection and other people, please don't have human relationships because you'll always be disappointed and ruin that relationship.

[164] So I'm always saying, hey, that shows me you're growing up.

[165] Hey, that was a good choice.

[166] I like how you handled that.

[167] See, and that phrase I taught you a few weeks ago of like, you know what, I wish I was more like you.

[168] I love how you handled that.

[169] See, there's something intense, but low key about that that doesn't draw too much attention to them, but they're getting it.

[170] So for the next week, let's start doing that, okay?

[171] Let's start giving, praising with intensity, catch your kids doing things well.

[172] I just got an email.

[173] The reason I wanted to include that is I got an email from a dad.

[174] It was actually from a mom who said, I've noticed a difference.

[175] I got your downloads.

[176] I downloaded the dad's CD to my husband's phone.

[177] So he's listening now.

[178] On the way back and forth to work, when he's working out, he's listening.

[179] And she said, what I've noticed, the biggest change in my kids is when my husband walks through the door, he's making a conscious effort to notice when they're doing things well.

[180] And the kids are eating it up.

[181] And they want to please him.

[182] And she has noticed her husband, he will start with a natural thing of like, getting on them in the intensity, but then he's catching himself.

[183] And that's partly why I want you listening to the audio downloads to the CDs, because if you're listening again and again and again and just have it on in the background, it makes all of this stuff so much easier because you'll hear the scripts that we use in the moment.

[184] You'll hear the tone of voice and it will remind you to give that.

[185] And so this mom was like, just by putting that on his iPhone and having him listen to that it's changing how the kids are relating to him and he's and he's finding because he came to her and he said because he's a typical guy and he's like i don't want to do this stupid calm parenting thing this is dumb i just need to discipline like my dad did it and what he told his wife was i've noticed the kids are actually listening to me more when i'm giving them praise and when i'm noticing the good things absolutely absolutely look it's no different than If you have a boss at work who's constantly negative and on you all the time about all the things you're doing wrong, you're not going to be like, I can't wait to get to work to work harder for that person.

[186] But if you have a boss who's noticing saying, look, this is a really good job on that project.

[187] You want to work harder for that person, right?

[188] Because your brain is the same way.

[189] So let's do that this week.

[190] If you need our help, contact Casey.

[191] He'll put together a package or just go.

[192] We've got a huge Mother's Day sale.

[193] So we either get the calm parenting package.

[194] or just get everything, there's a get -everything package, which is everything.

[195] It's cheaper than therapy, and it really will change things in your home.

[196] So number three, let's meet physical or sensory needs with intensity.

[197] When I'm doing phone consultations, a lot of times we're hearing about, okay, the child is slapping, is hitting, is doing really physical stuff, and I'm always looking for clues.

[198] And so if you have a child that's very physical, they need to be very physical, pro, actively.

[199] And so you've heard me say, I love having an obstacle course out in the backyard in the basement.

[200] I love waking kids up to treasure hunts where they have to climb through things, climb over things, doing martial arts, swimming, having to pull things, push things, shovel mulch, climbing, doing different sports.

[201] Most of your kids aren't that great at like, they're not always that great at team sports, but they're often very good at individual sports.

[202] But some of your kids, if you notice, they gravitate toward things like hockey and lacrosse that are very, very physical, hanging upside down off the sofa.

[203] This week, observe your kids.

[204] Notice if they're physical like that and seeking physical pressure and then come up with ways proactively for them to get that physical intensity.

[205] Now, if you want them outside, you're going to have to get outside.

[206] So make games outside.

[207] Make them challenges.

[208] Make them fun.

[209] Right?

[210] But you can't go ding dong, ditch that house and get back to me the next minute and a half.

[211] Actually, you can't do that because they'll have a camera on the ring doorbell and you'll get arrested.

[212] But play games with them.

[213] Do things that get the physical intensity.

[214] The physical intensity and sensory intensity for your kids actually calms their bodies and will calm their brains.

[215] So this week we're going to acknowledge with intensity.

[216] Of course you want to do that.

[217] Not going to happen tonight, but we can brainstorm about different ways we can make that happen.

[218] Of course you'd be frustrated.

[219] If I were you, I'd be frustrated too.

[220] That's calming.

[221] We want to praise with intensity.

[222] Catch your kids doing things well.

[223] And let's meet those physical sensory needs with intensity.

[224] Some of your kids need a lot of intensity.

[225] So it's not just like regular exercise.

[226] Make it fun.

[227] Make it intense.

[228] If you can.

[229] We used to wrestle with kids at times because that was really, really helpful for them to do that.

[230] But create that little obstacle course.

[231] And then watch this week how that helps in so many different situations.

[232] It's cool.

[233] So remember this word of intensity.

[234] When they're upset, I remember these kids who came to our house because we had all these camps and we had a lot of adopted kids and kids who were adopted from Russia.

[235] They were all named Alexander.

[236] And I remember with this kid, Alexander, I would try like some of my normal calming stuff and it just didn't work.

[237] But when I got intense with him, see, man, Alexander, if I were you, I'd be really frustrated too.

[238] You know what I'd do when I'm frustrated?

[239] And then I would start doing these freaky jumping jacks where I'd do.

[240] like really, really intense, or I'd do pushups really intense or I'd run around my house outside of my house in a really intense way.

[241] And what I found is when I led him with intensity, it was really calming.

[242] He needed that.

[243] And some of your kids need that intensity, but it's positive intensity.

[244] So if we can help you, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[245] And we would love to help you.

[246] And it'll be very personal.

[247] It's our family mission.

[248] Thank you for listening.

[249] and let's know how we can help you.

[250] Love you all.

[251] Bye -bye.