#1219 - Bill Burr

[0] do do do do do do and four three two yes bill burr how are you fellow what's going on see you good to see you too thank you very much for taking me up on that flight i'm going to tell you what legitimately you change the way i think about l .a it's really small isn't it it's way smaller than you think yeah it's a different thing when you fly over it you go oh this ain't that big yeah that's there I was still getting my license and I was doing a night flight, right?

[1] Which is insane.

[2] Totally different ballgame.

[3] Oh, I imagine.

[4] And yeah, because when you're on the ground, you're like, wow, it would be really easy to see everybody.

[5] Because you're looking up and all you're seeing is the backdrop is of the dark sky, right?

[6] But when you get up there, if someone's below you, they disappear into the city.

[7] So that's what, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[8] So anyway, so we were flying back and I trained down in Long Beach, so we were going along the 7 -10.

[9] And I just see, like, all these lights.

[10] And it was like right there.

[11] I'm like going up like was in I go what's that he goes and the guy the pilot looked over he goes oh that's the that's the fireworks from Disneyland and I was like fucking Disneyland is right there because in my head it took like two hours to get there hour and a half yeah going down the five but it's just like because you don't look at miles all you do is look at time when you're out here because there's so much traffic but it's literally like oh that's like 40 miles it's not even it's like from Hollywood like I would think it can't even be more than 15, 20 miles away.

[12] Like, Anaheim is so fucking close.

[13] But I just, it's just Irvine Comedy Club.

[14] That's all I think of.

[15] It's just fucking way to fuck down there.

[16] And then you get up in a helicopter and you're like there in like 11 minutes going like, this is ridiculous.

[17] So, yeah, yeah.

[18] It was awesome.

[19] Dude, it was awesome.

[20] Yeah.

[21] Flying over Malibu, when you landed on top of that little hill there with the picnic table?

[22] Yeah.

[23] That was funny.

[24] I set it down nice.

[25] I was a little nervous.

[26] I'm like, all right, don't fuck this up with Joe here because he's going to be like, bro, you know, he was all right when he was flying.

[27] When he went, the big part, when he went to land, he wasn't that good.

[28] It was smooth.

[29] And then the apocalypse now shit, we're going through the canyons.

[30] That was awesome, man. Yeah, those are.

[31] I get it.

[32] Those are fun.

[33] It's a lot of fun.

[34] And, you know, I fly mostly with an instructor because I got the kid and everything.

[35] But every once in a while, you got to go up by yourself just so you know you can do it.

[36] But I also, I'm actually overdue to do it, but I always go out and I do like the auto rotations and he'll just sort of, I'm flying along, he'll just chop throttle and like, it's just rolling the RPMs.

[37] I mean, rolling the engine down, not the RPMs, the engine down, and then you immediately have to pick a spot, you know, and sometimes, you know, the lower you are, you know, it becomes literally what you, the first place you look is where you're putting it.

[38] It's really crazy, but where you would put it.

[39] Explain to people what you're talking about.

[40] You mean crash landing.

[41] That's what auto rotation means.

[42] Yeah, it'd be basically if you had some sort failure problem yeah engine failure whatever so like when you're flying along and the engine's working it's drawing air into the disc and that's what creates lift but when uh when you go into an auto rotation um it's it's the air rushing you're using gravity bringing the uh the helicopter down using that air like almost like a fan to keep it going so and there's a critical point where if you let the main rotor go too slow that's why the low RPM horn comes on which is just a nauseating sound If you let it go too low It gets to a point where if it's spinning too slowly No matter how fast you drop You can't get it going again Fast enough to create And you're basically at that point You're in something that's no longer able to fly Your instructor Skyler is it was me Skyler pointed out something I didn't know That they have to redo those things Like every X amount of miles They rebuild everything Hours, yeah Yeah it's well they have like There's all this maintenance along the way they're incredibly maintained because I'm sure you noticed if you read the comments all people talk about is dying in aviation it's like you're like oh that's how entertainers die it's like no it isn't they overdose if you really look at the graph they're on the ground completely safe overdose it's almost always overdose drinking yeah and shit like that and it's just like that's mainly how you die like the amount of people that are up there every day and nothing happens it's it's you know but there is that you know the the the fly in the ointment is that there's there are particularly at the private level there are knuckleheads out there like there's people like i think every time i get in i'm always thinking like am i going to you know i don't want to die today so i i go over all a whole bunch of shit and you know especially if i'm going to fly solo i have the whole flight i have all my options on you know where i could land you know if i had a problem like that's what you're supposed to do i look at weather reports i do all of that shit and what happens is guys get more and more confident and their pre -flight is they kind of look it looks pretty clear and then they go out there and uh you know this you know this there's there's people who go up knowing that they can die and then there's other people up there who just like magnum pi and they want to fly by waterfalls and shit i mean those guys have more fun but it's you know there's definitely those are the people that you know you're supposed to fly there's like two envelopes you're supposed to fly within the envelope of what you're flying and then you know your skill set so you don't fly into shit there's like you know like if the if it's too windy or whatever I'm just like I'm not going right even if I could handle it it's like I'm not going to have fun up there fucking you know riding it out and just you know let the wind do what it wants to do and don't fight it and you know make sure you know you're not flying too all you do is slow down, you know, there are elements of that.

[43] But like, if you look up there versus what's going on down below, when you fly, I always say this, when you drive on the highway, it's like you're flying in formation, you're in the Blue Angels with nobody talking to anybody.

[44] You have no idea what anybody's going to do.

[45] People are texting.

[46] They're on medication.

[47] They're fucking hung over.

[48] They're suicide.

[49] You know what the fuck they're doing, you know?

[50] And then on top of that, you've got to look up for the guy splitting lanes and the motorcycles and shit.

[51] it's pretty amazing how few accidents there actually are if you think about it it is and when I fly the Robinson they get a bad rap saying they're not safe because they look at the amount of crashes that they've had but it's because it's a helicopter you can afford so it's inherently a low hour pilot and if you look at it it's most of the time it's not it's not the helicopter it's the it's the person flying it which is why you really have to be on it like you you you can't um it's it's just not something uh i don't know how explain it it's this weird thing where your your level of enjoyment is way higher if you're if you're riding in it you know what i mean if you're the person flying the whole time you have your life and other people's lives at hand so that you're not really like oh look at that oh look at that look at that look at that i'm also like you know thinking things of like you know when we were flying through that canyon and you dun da da da da thinking that shit i'm looking you know knowing where the wires are and where the road is because that's all fucking tree so it's gonna be the road so there's those you know when you're kind of going around a bend you know there's certain like altitudes and stuff just it's boring but it's just stuff that you're always thinking that um you know I imagine like when you fight there's that you know I know I know a lot of it's like instinct and stuff but there's these things that you just don't do you know what I mean I don't know anything about fighting but I was heard in boxing you don't lead with an uppercut it's just there's just fucking things you don't do you see a lot of guys like when they go to take off they do this fucking thing like the nose down attitude like I was taught not to do that because why do they do that because it looks cool I don't know why they do it I mean you're supposed to like I was taught you're supposed to keep it level so that way if you have a problem you know you you're already in the right attitude to just immediately enter an auto like now if I'm fucking nose down and if I'm too far to the ground I'm just gonna fucking go right into the ground um I don't know but I mean I'm still like totally a novice I'm coming up on 200 hours so I don't know a lot but I'm super, super, super fucking cautious and I make sure I don't go too long without doing auto rotations.

[52] I used to hate them, and now I actually really liked them.

[53] It was sort of the way it was explained to me. I didn't get it until one day I just thought about it and then I got it and I was able to lock into it because it's the same inputs if you were going in for a landing, but they broke it down to like four steps.

[54] Like it was low RPM, you know, lower collective, gentle half -cyclic you know look at your trim strings you know air speed was it trim trim airspeed RPM's and just fucking doing all of this and the reality is it's just like it's the right pedal Jesus Christ I forgot that right pedal so it's all the same it's all the same input if you were going in for a landing so all I do anytime I hear the low RPM is I just do that and then I'm locked into it and then I'm just watching my then I can just watch my RPMs and at this point I've flown enough where I kind of know where I'm in which basically means you're not like grabbing and you're kind of going straight and then you can kind of like pick out your spot and then it becomes fun as what's cool is you can do like 180 autos you can turn around and what I do like about it is when you come down to the ground is you can bleed off all of your air speed that forward motion that's gonna fucking kill you and as long as you don't fuck up and flare and go back up and then drop like a you know it's kind of like a hockey stop is the way it was described to me just level it out and right as you go to drop you pull like that and these guys land them like daisies and stuff It's really amazing.

[55] I'm not as good as that, but like I will do it where, you know, worst case scenario, you know, I might like, ah, fuck.

[56] Like, get a little bit of a bump.

[57] Yeah, but I'm going to be all right.

[58] So, yeah, I don't know.

[59] Now there's probably a bunch of people saying, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, which admittedly, you know, I still think there's a lot of shit I need to learn about stand -up.

[60] So as long as you go into things like that, you know.

[61] Well, the fact that you're doing it and the fact that you're learning a new thing that's really difficult to learn, Don't you think that that's good for your brain?

[62] No, I am a big believer in constantly learning.

[63] It's why I like you as a person because you're constantly like you're not the Joe I knew three years ago in a good way.

[64] You're like you learn all of this.

[65] You know, when I first met you, you weren't hunting.

[66] You were into martial.

[67] That was thing, you were two -dimensional, which was amazing because everyone was just a comedian.

[68] You were this taekwondo champion stand -up guy.

[69] and then since then you've added all like the guests that you have on and the fact that you're able to like talk to them and stuff is because you've continued to you know it's the same thing with like a comic who writes his first hour and then just sits on it for like eight years and all of a sudden two presidents goes by and it's like why aren't they laughing anymore it's like because you're just stuck in time so I yeah I believe in that and I also believe in playing cards card games and stuff is good for you mind any games they say even very very Video games.

[70] You know, people like the shit on video games, but they say video games have a positive, cognitive effect on kids.

[71] Yeah, they're calculating and moving, you're thinking fast.

[72] Yeah, their hand -eye coordination is like insane.

[73] I guess some of those games.

[74] If you play them, I guess, I don't know.

[75] Well, you think about the amount of hours they're putting into their thumbs.

[76] Just how often do you really use your thumb in, like, detailed ways?

[77] Very rarely.

[78] But kids today, they have ridiculous thumb dexterity.

[79] I tapped out Grand Theft Auto 3 is when I stopped, which was about 2003, 2002 or something.

[80] I just, they were just too amazing, and I was just like, I am nowhere in my career right now, and this is just, dude, I was walking around, I was living in New York at the time, and I would stop playing the game, and I would be walking down the street thinking about it, like what I could walk into the subway, you know, like not thinking about jokes, thinking how I could beat this next level.

[81] and I remember I played this Medal of Honor game and they had this thing when you hit the sniper button like the scope would go like that and X would go like that and I played it one day one week so much that when I walked out on the street I was looking at people across the street doing like that X that was going on my face I was just like there's something about like I already I'm not the brightest guy you know when it comes to like school and shit so it's just like I was like this is doing something to my brain so I remember what came home and I just unplugged everything but really quickly took everything off because I knew I was never going to figure it out and I didn't have the instructions anymore I just stuck it in the back of the closet like well that's it I did the same thing with video games with Quake I had a real problem when I was playing eight hours a day, 10 hours a day sometimes I had a T1 line installed in my house just so I could play with a fast internet connection this is like 1998 it was crazy I mean there was slow internet where I was so I said well what's the options and so one option is They chew up the street and put this fucking crazy fat business line.

[82] It cost me a shitload of money.

[83] And I was like, let's do it.

[84] So I had an installed a fucking business line that would use at the time you'd use for a large building.

[85] Right.

[86] And I had it just for my house.

[87] And I would play video games online all the time.

[88] And you could play online against people for the last 20 years?

[89] Oh, yeah.

[90] I didn't know that.

[91] We'd play online teams.

[92] We'd have teams of guys like me and three of my friends would play against four other guys.

[93] and we'd like meet at a certain server and you know you could chat and talk to each other all right you ready to go all right let's go three two one go and then you know the game will start and then we we'd fucking have these matches and it was fun man it was really fun it was really exciting too because it's all happening in real time yeah but uh I reached a point uh somewhere around like the year 2000 where I know one day I played until it was sunlight until the the sun came up and you know I'm fucking 30 years old And I'm sitting there My hands are sweating I'm all fucking caffeinated up I've been drinking A mountain dude for the past eight hours And I realize I'm like what am I doing Like this is I You know I'm not where I want to be As a comic I'm not where I want to be With my life And I'm just sitting here Playing video games all the time And there's no future in this I've been stuck in things Where there's no future before I know what that is I felt like that with fighting I was when I was 21 There was a point in time where I was like, there's no future in this.

[94] Like, I'm just going to keep getting hit in the head, and I'm going to get dumber and more brain damage and more crazy.

[95] Right.

[96] And I'm like, this is dangerous.

[97] And I realized, I'm, I got to stop.

[98] I got to stop.

[99] There's no future in this.

[100] There was no money in fighting back then either.

[101] And then I got there with pool.

[102] Same thing with pool.

[103] Like, my manager called me up.

[104] And he said, I think you play pool too much.

[105] He's like, I think.

[106] He's like, I think that you seriously think about pool more than you do your career.

[107] And I respect.

[108] to him and he's a very good friend of mine so I had a really really pause I didn't you know I didn't take it lightly I had to take a deep breath and I was like fuck he's right it's right I play pool all the time was playing every day I have a I have a real addictive personality I do too I do too so I get like uh like how many hours I want to get flying and then like uh things I want to learn playing drums and stuff and then it becomes I I've had to learn to be like Bill these are hobbies yes yes okay you're a dad first then you're a comedian and let's sort of priority.

[109] The world isn't waiting for you to know how to play good times, bad times.

[110] Yeah.

[111] That can sit back a little bit.

[112] But the fact that you're doing that kind of stuff, I think is great.

[113] I really identify with you in a lot of ways the way you do that.

[114] Well, you get fucking crazy about drums or you get crazy about helicopter.

[115] Yeah.

[116] I just fucking, I go down like, I got to learn all about like, yeah.

[117] I came out here.

[118] I got into old cars.

[119] And then all of a sudden I was watching this guy, Eric, the car guy.

[120] I found him.

[121] him most fascinating because he would work on cars of today where you just open the hood.

[122] It's like, what is everything and where the, how do you get it?

[123] And he's just taking off all this plastic shit and just digging all the way down.

[124] And he's just like, you know, if you can't remember just videotape it, just remember how it all goes together.

[125] Dude, one time he, I'd forget what the hell he was changing, but he had to take the whole fucking front end of this car off to change something that I used to be able to change on like my fucking 83 Ford Ranger.

[126] I know that guy.

[127] I know what you're talking about.

[128] Yeah.

[129] Yeah.

[130] And it's, like, he does every electrical.

[131] He does fucking everything.

[132] And I would just sit there.

[133] I watched all of that.

[134] I watched all the way back to people rebuilding like flathead V8s and what made it a flathead.

[135] And I never got any electrical.

[136] That always seemed like magic to me. Like I never got into that shit.

[137] I was scared.

[138] Like, oh, you touch it.

[139] You get fucking electrocuted.

[140] But I got all into like watching like somebody rebuild an engine.

[141] Like just from the bottom to the top, it just wasn't a lot of.

[142] stuff.

[143] Right.

[144] It was like the crankshaft, and then there was the shit that held on the pistons.

[145] You put the, drop the pistons in, and then there was the intake, what was it, the intake manifold.

[146] And then there was the, the big thing, the valves, gaping the valves, that seemed like, oh, man, if you fuck that up, this thing isn't going to run right.

[147] And, and just knowing the firing thing, and I got into, like, torque wrenches, and I learned how to change brakes on, like, old school, like, shoe brakes and stuff like that.

[148] I got all the right wrenches and all that I don't know how to adjust them I know where you do this This little slit in the back of the wheel And I thought you just put them close to it It's right up against the drum You're supposed to put them on And I got totally into fucking brakes for a while I tried to rebuild the carburetor Failed miserably because it was really old And I took off too many parts It was like warped and shit so Was that you dodge the truck?

[149] No Ford It's Ford Yeah The brown ones are Ford?

[150] Black It's black?

[151] Yeah yeah Why I think it was brown I don't know What year is that like 60 68 it was made I looked up the VIN number It was actually made in Canada Crazy In March of 68 I want to say Toronto or something like that Like I guess they had a A factory up there or whatever So in March of 1968 That thing rolled off And I think it spent most of its life Down south like in Georgia Did you swap the brakes out for disc brakes?

[152] I did Chris Titus Was the one who helped me with that He put I did one side he did the other but he showed me I was just doing what he told me to do so I had all drum brakes and I wanted to keep it all original but you know people were pulling out in front of me like I had disc brakes and I'll tell you what's fucking hilarious when I only had drum brakes I locked him up one time in front of a bunch of millennials and they've never heard that sound that like fucking they all they all went like that and all I was doing I just you know the light turned you know how fast the yellow lights are out here I was kind of an East Coast mindset like I can make this no I can't I just fucking I didn't even think I hit him that hard I kind of went a little sideways and then it was fucking hilarious it was like this outdoor cafe and they all looked over and then I just had to fucking sit there it was almost like that arty lang movie when he fucking mooned he moons the crowd and the guy gets out and just leaves him there he's like oh he was he was supposed to keep going like that's what I felt like I was actually embarrassed I probably waved and said sorry those breaks are terrible it's amazing nobody died or more people didn't die rather Those breaks, I used to have a 1970 barracuda that had those kind of brakes.

[153] Oh, yeah, I know.

[154] Just still, well, I was 71 when I was in high school.

[155] And you'd hit the brakes, and it would just skid.

[156] I mean, there was everything locked up.

[157] Yeah.

[158] Anti -lock brakes, one of the greatest inventions ever.

[159] Yes.

[160] Fucking incredible invention.

[161] No, I used to drive my truck before I had power steering.

[162] I got put power steering in and air conditioning.

[163] It was just basically a farm truck, and it was like no power steering, three on the column which I still have because I think that's cool and I used I got stuck in the teeth of the one night like the fucking you know traffic I always said stuck I'm driving through the teeth of it it'd be like between five and seven I was coming from Santa Monica driving over to the fucking laugh factory and I literally by the time I got to the laugh factory I was like tired man I know I'm an older guy but just like shifting and like you know like when you're at a dead stop and you're just turning the fucking weight of that and it's this giant steering wheel to give you, like, leverage.

[164] That's why the fucking thing is so big.

[165] And I was just like, oh, my God, like, I, you know, doing a three -point turn in that.

[166] Like, my triceps would be burning, not in the best shape, but I'm just saying, it's like, I got to make my life a little easier.

[167] Well, even my little car, that little red car that I have, that doesn't have any power steering.

[168] And when I, when I turned that thing, that car is so light and tiny.

[169] It's fucking hard to turn, though.

[170] Like, when I have to pull into the parking lot of the comedy store and I have to back it up so that I could get out of there quick, it's a pain in the dick.

[171] It's hard.

[172] Three -point turns are not three -point turns.

[173] turns they're like four or five points yeah i wonder if back in the day because those those original cars they had those little skinny bike tires on it it was just it was just easier to turn and as they got like heavier and wider well you know my corvette has that uh modern suspension on that 65 corvette and it has really wide tires like the big old steam rollers just for a goof i had the power steering taken off i'm like let's see what it's like to have the power steering it was fucking horrible it was horrible like you you'd get a forearm workout just driving around driving on street yeah Yeah, you're bouncing around.

[174] It was too much.

[175] I had to change it back.

[176] Yeah.

[177] I love old cars, though.

[178] There's something about the idea that you could fix it.

[179] You could go in there and with a good book or a good video, you can actually fix it.

[180] You know, I know a lot of guys who have fixed things.

[181] I know guys have changed their transmission.

[182] They've gone in there and swapped their transmission out for a new one, you know, put it up on a list.

[183] It's just having the balls to take it apart and then the patience, like, I don't know, you've got to ask for help and, like, I just found like it was just, just like, and like, ah, I need what tool?

[184] I don't have that fucking tool.

[185] Then you'd have to order it.

[186] It was really frustrating.

[187] And that was a quick sort of like rabbit hole I went down.

[188] So I like now that I kind of understand how the whole thing comes together.

[189] But like, yeah, I guess that gets back to the whole going down the rabbit hole thing.

[190] There's a guy who's got a great video that you would love.

[191] And it's on Petrolicious.

[192] And it's the video is called, I think it's called a. One car for everything.

[193] And there's this guy, he's a fiction writer.

[194] Right's like screenplays and shit.

[195] Never worked on a car in his life.

[196] Decided he wanted to buy an old Porsche.

[197] So he bought like a 1971 Porsche and didn't know Jack's shit about cars.

[198] So he starts learning.

[199] One car to do it all.

[200] That's it.

[201] So this guy puts together this car and then starts working on it and then takes his fucking garage and turns his garage into like a professional workspace digs a hole in the ground puts a lift in in the floor of his garage like blaze cement does everything is this guy married uh i don't know it doesn't seem like it doesn't seem like this is like what are you're gonna do with that old car what this is the car it's a beautiful car look at that thing i'd love those old and that's you know my little car that's a 71 that looks like in 19 late 70s to me No, it's a flat hood, the long hood, rather.

[202] The long hood models are like 68, 67, 68 to like 73.

[203] That's his name, Jack Olson.

[204] It's a really fucking cool video because this is a guy that didn't have any background in it.

[205] That's his fucking garage.

[206] He built all this.

[207] He built the whole garage.

[208] And he just decided, look, I'd just slowly get into it and understand it.

[209] And he has different arrow, like see that giant wing, that's arrow that he puts on only when he's at the racetrack.

[210] so he can unbolt it and do it.

[211] He uses this car for everything.

[212] He uses his car to go get groceries and drives around in it.

[213] Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that looks like, okay.

[214] It's a fucking beautiful old car.

[215] Those cars are so light, too.

[216] That car's like 2000, 2000.

[217] He flared out the fenders, though, right?

[218] No, no, the, um, RSR from that era had flared out fenders, yeah.

[219] Wow.

[220] Yeah, well, they had to have fat rear fenders and fat rear tires because the engines in the back and those things snap around when you're taking turns because the balance is way off.

[221] Like the engine is hanging out behind the rear wheels.

[222] It's not a mid -engine car, it's a rear -engine car, which is extremely rare.

[223] Like only Porsche really does it.

[224] And so you get something called lift -throttle oversteer.

[225] When you're in a turn, you have to keep the pedal on.

[226] You have to keep the gas going when you're in a turn.

[227] If you let off the turn, the momentum, the rear end just pops out and you get oversteer.

[228] You'll spin around in a circle.

[229] So they used to call the turbos widow makers Because the way they used to have those old cars They used to have those really shitty tires Like that, like he's got new modern compound tires on that thing So it probably sticks like glue But the old tires were dog shit They were terrible So you'd have this super powerful engine The weird dynamics where the engine's hanging out Behind the axle I never thought about that Yeah, oh they're so much fun to drive There's so much fun to drive It's so engaging I love taking it to the store because by the time I get to the store like my brain's firing it's like popping because I've been shifting and brr it's all mechanical it's air cooled you know and it's not a very like that red car is not a very fast car like a modern car like a Tesla is way faster than it but it's what it is is alive it's like you feel the gears like when you're shifting you put that sucker in a second it's just very it's visceral you know yeah I drove our buddy's Tesla one time.

[230] That was fucking ridiculous.

[231] I just stepped on an...

[232] Yeah, no, my head was tingling, like I said, blood rushing to the back, and he just had the one motor.

[233] And every guy I know that has Tesla, a handful, I should say, they all got invited to the factory when they got the motor on the front wheel and the back wheel, and all of them said no to that car going, dude, I would fucking die if I got that.

[234] It was almost like super bike motorcycle fast.

[235] Yeah.

[236] Like a racing motorcycle level fast.

[237] It's zero to six.

[238] 60 in like two point something seconds and then they have that new one that roadster that's coming out that's one point something seconds one point something seconds zero to 60 yeah you're you're in a missile i mean it's the only way to put it like god forbid somebody's foot slips off the break onto the gas you're going to obliterate a street full of people man that's fucking crazy it is crazy it's bad enough somebody does that on a bike you can do that on a car with all that weight and those tesas are heavier shit because of that battery i guess which i didn't really I would think because there was no power train or anything that it would be lighter but I guess that battery is like super heavy.

[239] They're heavy as shit and they don't make any noise which is even weirder so they're coming at you you don't even know.

[240] Yeah, they're kind of awesome.

[241] You know what I don't like the front end.

[242] There's no grill like the front end's boring.

[243] It is kind of boring.

[244] Kind of boring looking, yeah.

[245] But the new one isn't the roadster.

[246] Have you seen the roadster?

[247] No, I want to see that.

[248] Pull up that.

[249] That's the roadster.

[250] Hey, can I promote that roadster?

[251] Can I promote the Patrice thing?

[252] Yeah, fuck yeah.

[253] What do we got?

[254] It's February 19th, the, what was this?

[255] Look at this.

[256] The 8th annual.

[257] Tesla's new emissions testing mode will produce loud, nasty farts on demand.

[258] It makes farts?

[259] They added a fart app this week.

[260] Oh, that's so ridiculous.

[261] It's got seven different farts.

[262] There are six different farts sounds and then one automatic.

[263] You can sit it to like different buttons, like your turn signal.

[264] So it makes sounds?

[265] And then it makes smell, too?

[266] No smell.

[267] It's just a sound emission.

[268] Oh, okay, okay.

[269] That's just stupid.

[270] Anyways, the Patrice O 'Neill has scarred Farts.

[271] When is the benefit?

[272] February 19th.

[273] at the New York City Center and what do we got here shut off my damn phone we got Michelle Wolfe Michelle Wolf Jim Gaffigan I got it here I already forget Seifah Sounds myself Rich Voss It's all coming back here Big Jay Big J Ocerson Gary Goldman Chris Red That's a fucking hell of a lineout Yes sir Hell of a line out Yes sir We're going to try to add a couple more people to it It's at the New York City Center Tuesday February 19th all proceeds go to his family and it's been such a great thing like his you know his mom's been able to get a condo and everything just totally because he was take we basically with that thing was we take care of everybody that he was taken care of because you know the mission was basically all his family should have to deal with is the grief right you know I always think that that's enough and the reason why we continue to do it every year is because his family members are still you know alive and I always hated that when somebody died and just say hey we do one time right right right right a sack of money, try to make this last for the next 30 to 60 years of your lives, you know?

[274] And then also because, you know, he was the best standup that I ever saw live and just keeping his name, you know, out there.

[275] I always think that when any time somebody said, oh, you're one of the top, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[276] And I always think, well, you know, if Patrice and Headberg and all of these fucking guys, dude, Freddie Soto, what he would have done.

[277] Yeah, I was just thinking about Freddie.

[278] I was just thinking about that when you said that, that maybe we should do one of those for Freddy's family.

[279] yeah freddie was like uh he was brilliant oh and he was he would imitate his dad and shit regardless uh no it was like it was like yeah he would like hurt the crowd it was like he was a oh my god stop stop fucking guy too yeah he was every time you saw freddie sodo he's all about hugs oh he was a good dude last time i last time i saw him we were working and uh remember the aspen comedy festival yeah i remember that and i didn't see him the last couple years maybe i saw him out in l -a But that was the time that I remembered because we were kind of in the same group, you know, group B, group A or whatever.

[280] So, yeah, he was walking around.

[281] I think he was buying something for his wife or his kid or something like that.

[282] Yeah, that one, Jesus.

[283] You know, you heard so many, out of all of me, he was when I was just like, Freddy, Freddy died?

[284] I couldn't believe that.

[285] Sleep apnea, apparently.

[286] Sleep apnea and pills to go to sleep.

[287] You know, take Ambien if you have sleep apnea, you lock up and you just stop breathing.

[288] Sleep apnea is a real, fucking problem.

[289] I have it.

[290] I take a mouthpiece.

[291] I put a mouthpiece in at night when I go to sleep, but it keeps my tongue from falling back on my throat.

[292] A lot of athletes have it.

[293] The bigger your neck gets, the more muscle tissue you have in your neck, the more it closes off your airhole when you go to sleep.

[294] There's a lot of meat in there.

[295] Well, stop doing the neck shit then, dude.

[296] What are you doing?

[297] What do you got like a barbell and just tie it to the side of your fucking head?

[298] Who needs the neck muscles?

[299] It's a side effect of working out.

[300] You just get a big neck.

[301] Dude, you do these.

[302] No one can strangle you.

[303] That is what it is.

[304] For real.

[305] Like you, well, someone can definitely still strangle you.

[306] But it helps a lot.

[307] Like, if you get a hold of a regular neck, regular necks just comply.

[308] They just give in.

[309] Can you please call your next special regular neck?

[310] I guarantee no one's going to try and accidentally take that title.

[311] That's true.

[312] Regular neck.

[313] Regular neck.

[314] Joe Rogan, regular neck.

[315] It's hard coming up with a good name for a special.

[316] Are you, somebody told me you were doing, Arru saying that you're going to do your next one independent.

[317] Are you going to do it independent?

[318] No, I don't know how I'm going to do it.

[319] I'm exploring all like the options and all of that.

[320] I'm trying, I was trying to figure out a way to, you know, because it's just a ton of specials out there.

[321] I was just trying to figure out a way.

[322] But I mean, you know.

[323] When was the last time you filmed?

[324] October 2016.

[325] So I'm due.

[326] I'm due.

[327] I'm due.

[328] But it's like, am I do?

[329] I don't know.

[330] I don't know.

[331] it's it's it's what it is is the special has changed since you and I started yeah where a special was special now what it is is it's just kind of an an hour long advertisement letting people know that you're still out there and and it's like this just doesn't it still it documents your stuff though yeah it does but there's just such a sheer amount of stuff to see to have like an impact the way like I was trying to think maybe the last one that really was just like like, whoa, and I would say it would be like maybe Dave Chappelle killing him softly.

[332] Certainly Chris Rock bring the pain where it was just like, you know, I'm not saying there weren't ones that like people talked about, but like just that thing where like, do you remember when we were kids it was just like, you know, Friday, hey man, see you on Monday.

[333] And then somehow on Monday everybody saw delirious or everybody saw dice or everybody he saw Sam Kinnison on the danger field thing and it was just like no one was talking about it and then just like there was only so many channels and that thing just caught enough people's eyes and you came to school Monday and everyone was just talking about it like um you know I'm still getting fucking tweets from people saying hey I finally got around to watching breaking bad you know what I mean or like I was talking about the wire one time They're like, dude, you could have said, spoiler alert.

[334] It's like, that fucking went off the air in, like, 2006.

[335] Like, how much time do I have to give you to watch it, you know?

[336] So, um...

[337] I still haven't seen The Wire.

[338] Dude, my buddy, his son, the number one thing that he watches, is he on his phone, he's watching one of these guys that gets paid to play video games.

[339] He watches this guy on his phone play video games.

[340] Everybody does that.

[341] Okay, so...

[342] Super common.

[343] Yes.

[344] So now that's another thing to watch.

[345] Exactly.

[346] Forget about online porn and fucking me watching Eric the car guy and all that.

[347] Trying to find like where you can like drop the pamphlets of your career basically to be like, hey man, I'm still around.

[348] I think there's definitely more content now than ever before.

[349] But in terms of like the amount of stand -up that's available, there's never been more great stand -up available to watch.

[350] Yeah.

[351] Like think about how many specials.

[352] there are now.

[353] I mean, it's fucking crazy.

[354] It really is.

[355] It is.

[356] Um, it's, yeah, so they're not really specials.

[357] They're not specials.

[358] They're not specials.

[359] Because it used to be, specials used to be the top comics.

[360] Now, arguably, it was basically the top white male comics.

[361] So the fact that they fix that is a great thing.

[362] But now...

[363] Was it though?

[364] I mean, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Damon Wands.

[365] Yeah, dude.

[366] There was a lot of...

[367] There was a lot of white guys.

[368] There was a lot of white guys.

[369] but there was a lot of great black guys, too.

[370] The real problem was women.

[371] There wasn't very many women.

[372] Yeah, but there's like women in like three specials.

[373] There's Asians, there's Apaches.

[374] There's other people out there doing stand -up specials.

[375] Apaches?

[376] There's got to be.

[377] There's got to be.

[378] But what I'm saying was, but it was the best to the best, where now it's just everybody, it's everybody.

[379] Right, right.

[380] So like, I remember when it was changing, well, I was doing a club, and the feature act was complaining that he, didn't get a half hour special on one of these networks and I'm thinking like you're a feature act like what are you what are you going to do your whole act and you're still a feature and you want to document that and it's just like they used to give out half hour specials when I started out and it was to like guys who had been on the road for like 15 years and they were picking from their headlining hour they were taking half of that like the best bits from an hour and then you You know, and that somehow, through time, just became a feature going up and doing his whole act.

[381] Well, Netflix is doing that now.

[382] They have the degenerate special.

[383] They have Big Jay did one.

[384] Joey Diaz did one.

[385] Christina Positsky did one.

[386] I'm not saying it's bad.

[387] I'm just saying it's changed.

[388] Right.

[389] So because it's even changed since my last special that I put out, my last advertisement that I put out, hour -long advertising.

[390] So you just try to figure out.

[391] because everything's just fucking changing so fast you're just trying to navigate.

[392] Like where can I put this in all of this that it's going to blink enough that someone's going to stare at it and maybe like watch the thing.

[393] I just noticed your fucking lights with the sky that's pretty cool.

[394] Pretty cool, right?

[395] Yes.

[396] What's the company that makes those?

[397] Octolites?

[398] Shout out to Octolites.

[399] Yeah.

[400] Gaffigan did an interesting thing.

[401] He decided not to put his newest one on Netflix.

[402] He puts it on everything.

[403] It's on Hulu and Amazon you can get it on iTunes but not Netflix yeah he's a smart guy well he just took a chance I guess you know just decided to see what happens if you just make it available everywhere instead yeah I'd like to talk to him see how successful that was yeah I'll uh because I'm still working out my story I'll talk to you off air about it because I don't want because it fucks with my ability to yeah you know make something happen so I'll I'll tell you what my idea was um but I got nixed.

[404] I've thought about doing it and just put it right on YouTube.

[405] I've thought about doing that before.

[406] Just not getting paid for it, just shoving it right on YouTube.

[407] Just see what happens.

[408] Yeah, and YouTube, yeah.

[409] Yeah, just paying for it and just sticking it out there.

[410] Because if it is an advertisement, what's the best way to get it out there?

[411] Well, the best way would just be to put it on YouTube.

[412] Right.

[413] And then to segment it into like little chunks so that people could digest it in bits.

[414] People wind up doing that.

[415] I don't think Netflix takes them down.

[416] I think that's when you have uh bits up that like from specials that that go up on netflix i think netflix just lets them stay up it just depends on what your uh what your contract is because you can work that in um we did a special with paul verzi all things comedy network we did a special with him which was did phenomenal like broke all their online streaming uh um records and it was great because he was a guy that they don't really give special to is right right now you know who did he do the special for uh comedy central oh nice so the the streaming version was really successful yeah i mean he he did well on well now trying to get people to actually just fucking sit down and watch television like everybody tape you tape shit right that's just how it works which is now if you watch like NFL games they have this thing now where the game's going on and all of a sudden the game slides to the left and then there's two boxes and the advertising box is big because they know that everybody's taping games and they're blowing through it and advertisers somehow can tell if someone fast forwarded through and then the NFL doesn't make as much money so now they're running like this is weird those like these two things so you don't really have to look at the commercial you can just sit there looking at the game but then they're telling you about fucking whatever at the same time yeah it's weird that's gross it's gross but isn't I mean that's how you know I make money off advertising it's like my thing what's gross is how you're what you know if you're dumping shit in the water supply if you got like all kinds of like you know i mean i think they all have some sort of labor fucking issues i would like to be able to pay i would like to be able to pay to not have that like if i could amazon one click them like how much i got to give you for each game well i don't have to see that yeah but they'll give you five bucks but what the advertisers will do is their pockets are deeper and they're gonna go big they're gonna find like what's funny is when the internet started out all of a sudden you just you went from watching seeing all these commercials to like nothing to now seeing way more than you ever saw yeah like my the worst is when you're watching a long YouTube video and then all a sudden it just stops and you know they try to make make a nice break and then you just watch and it annoys me but i'm like well i do advertise on my podcast how upset about this can i get um you know you know when you see when you look at the line and you see those little you yellow lines on the YouTube video where you know that's where the fucking ads are going to pop up.

[417] Oh, there it is.

[418] No, I didn't know that.

[419] Yeah.

[420] Isn't that how it works?

[421] Yeah.

[422] Yeah, I mean, look, advertising is what it is.

[423] I mean, it's either that or you do like a Patreon -type deal when you have people contribute.

[424] Like, Sam Harris does that.

[425] Right.

[426] You know, there's a million ways to do it.

[427] But, like, I don't get mad at advertising because, like I said, a stand -up special is me advertising that I'm going to be out on the road.

[428] You say that, but it's not.

[429] It's entertainment.

[430] It's for people that watch it, they can enjoy it.

[431] Like, no one's thinking about it that way.

[432] But there's a way also to do advertising entertainingly.

[433] Like, way back, those less filling tastes great.

[434] Bud -like commercials were fucking great.

[435] They were great.

[436] And you wanted to see them and you loved them.

[437] Or least I did.

[438] So, yeah, there's ways to do everything.

[439] They still have some good commercials.

[440] Like, what's that insurance lady who's always in those commercials?

[441] What is that?

[442] Flo.

[443] Yeah, Flo.

[444] She's fucking funny.

[445] There's some funny commercials still.

[446] but it's, you know, it's hard.

[447] I know Seinfeld was actually thinking about opening up an insurance agency at one point in time because he apparently likes writing stuff like that and he was literally thinking about...

[448] Oh, an advertising agency.

[449] What I'd say, insurance, yeah, advertising.

[450] He was thinking about doing that at one point in time.

[451] Yeah.

[452] About making ads.

[453] Then he was probably like, wait a minute, I don't want to have a real job.

[454] Yeah, it's like, how much money do I need?

[455] At a certain point in time.

[456] Guys like that make me feel normal with, like, car collecting.

[457] Like when I went to Jay Leno's place, he's got 11 buildings filled with cars.

[458] I'm like, oh, okay, I see where this goes.

[459] Yes.

[460] I've got to give myself a number.

[461] He has, I've never been over there, but he has, he has enough cars to start his own traffic jam on the, he could fill up the 405, one side of it, I would think.

[462] He could fill up the Pasadena Rose Bowl.

[463] He can fill up the fucking parking lot.

[464] It's ridiculous.

[465] I'll take you.

[466] You want to go?

[467] Yeah, but I'm, fuck, you'd love it.

[468] Does he have more cars than days of the year?

[469] Oh, yeah Because I know He also has like motorcycles Oh, he's got hundreds of cars That's another one That's another one I went down The rabbit hole is Was it Jay's garage?

[470] Yeah Great show Oh yeah I loved it No I Yeah I got into all A gas monkey garage Jay's garage I'm getting that gas monkey guy on the show Oh Richard Rawlings Yeah I just got an email yesterday Oh dude That guy's a fuck yeah I love that guy That guy's a fucking right I love that guy Ask him about my favorite episode my favorite fucking episode of that because he always like I watched that show so much I knew the number he was going to come at they'd be like okay what do you want for this car and he always get them to say it first and they'd be like I mean I was I was thinking like five grand and then he'd be oh man he's five man I can't I mean I mean I could do I could do like 2700 right and then the fucking guy would then go down to four grand and he would come up like like 300 bucks and he didn't end up getting the car for like three grand like whatever the fuck you want right so one time he went out and he busted this guy down on like a uh an old transam or a firebird or some shit i forget what the guy sells it to him for like fucking he wanted like 18 grand or something he sold it to him for like 11 so he fucking gets the car over there he's talking about what he's going to do about with it and all of a sudden the guy's brother calls up and says hey that guy didn't have the fucking right to sell that car that's also mine you got to you know, I'm going to come down and I've got to buy it back from you.

[471] So the guy comes down and he's, you know, asking what he wants for it.

[472] And Richard's just like, I mean, I was thinking like 20.

[473] And the guy goes, he goes, dude, you bought it for my brother.

[474] I know what you paid for.

[475] And he actually got embarrassed.

[476] He's like, oh, man, I'm sorry.

[477] It's the only time I ever saw him get, like, embarrassed.

[478] He just went into like his thing.

[479] And like, I swear to God, like, watching that show, like you get better at, like, negotiating.

[480] And, like, occasionally he does, like, these sketches, too, where he'll do, like, a character imitating, like, an old school used car salesman.

[481] And you just, how good he does it.

[482] Yeah.

[483] Because, you know, it's not like he's a performer or an actor or anything.

[484] How good he does it.

[485] It's like, this guy is, like, this is just in his blood.

[486] He's just been a car guy.

[487] He's been flipping cars.

[488] I'm trying to be, I haven't seen the show in a minute, but, like, he used to talk about how he, you know, by the time he was, like, 19.

[489] He was on, like, his 30th car or something.

[490] Like, he was just like, I like, that car.

[491] I'm buy this car.

[492] I like that one.

[493] And every month would just flip them.

[494] Those cars, there's something about those shows that those and auction shows or anytime like pawn shop shows, there's something about wanting to know how the deal plays out.

[495] Yeah.

[496] You know, that is so compelling for people.

[497] There's something like, and I'm a moron.

[498] I'll just sit there staring.

[499] Like, how much are they going to get?

[500] Yeah.

[501] How much they're going to get for that?

[502] Yeah.

[503] Look at that.

[504] Civil War coins?

[505] What are those worth?

[506] And how much they bust them down and just like, yeah.

[507] I mean, that guy, Richard is probably the best I've seen.

[508] He's the most entertaining, because he's like a fun guy to watch.

[509] It's a performance.

[510] He's like, oh, man, I mean, I was thinking.

[511] Oh, man, I don't know.

[512] Yeah, and then he goes up there and he pulls out this giant wad.

[513] It's like, dude, you had it.

[514] You had the money.

[515] The other guy has to sit there and watch it.

[516] Then he kind of makes fun of him afterwards.

[517] Yeah.

[518] You know, he could kind of make, you know, in like a funny way or whatever.

[519] But it's a funny thing, too, that how appealing that is to men.

[520] Like, I bet if you looked at the number of women who watched those car shows versus the number of men, like, you know, Motor Trend has a channel now.

[521] They have their own channel.

[522] And I guarantee you, that is 97 % dudes and 3 % women complaining.

[523] 3 % women going, what the fuck are you watching?

[524] Like, if you looked at the actual numbers, like, what is it about cars?

[525] Like, girls can drive cars.

[526] Girls drive cars all the time.

[527] Girls like cars.

[528] They don't like cars the way guys like cars.

[529] It's just most of them.

[530] Generally speaking, yeah.

[531] Outside of like Danica Patrick.

[532] and a few psychos.

[533] Yeah.

[534] I met her one time.

[535] Yeah, I saw a picture with you.

[536] Yeah, she took me around the Indianapolis Motor Speedways.

[537] No. Coming down that straightaway and seeing like, you know, where they have the leaderboard and everything was iconic.

[538] And I've been to that race a couple of times.

[539] So it was crazy.

[540] How fast we're going?

[541] She ended only, she only went like half the speed of what the car, like how fast they would be going or something.

[542] We got up to maybe like 140, but we were like going around turns and like my face was doing this.

[543] But what I loved about her, was she had like test pilot vibe yeah like she came up and it was just vice like handshake and shit she's a beast yeah it was pretty uh look at this there you guys are yeah she was just totally like uh look at the little difference of her sunglasses and my sunglasses i definitely look i have passenger sunglasses you know what he's talking about they look the same no no no those are like right off the fucking what's what's wrong with your sunglasses versus hers no you'll see it it's all in the details.

[544] Come on, man. It's like me, you know, I probably, you know, your crescent kick probably looks the same as fucking some guy in a strip mold to me. I mean, I...

[545] It's hilarious.

[546] You say Crescent Cic.

[547] That's one of the rarest kicks that anybody ever pulls off, ever.

[548] It's left over from the 80s.

[549] Whatever.

[550] Um, but it's kind of legit.

[551] Crescent kick's kind of legit.

[552] It's very rare.

[553] My only thing about Meekum is after a while, it just all becomes like Shelby.

[554] Meekam auctions, yeah.

[555] Yeah.

[556] And, and Hemis.

[557] Hemikuto.

[558] We got a hemikuda coming up and plumb crazy.

[559] Those fucking things are too much.

[560] Do you buy those things for a million dollars and when their car came out it was like 20 grand i mean not even i like i like i like weird shit yeah i like uh you know i want to get uh a 76 gmc rv that's what i want to go on the road with yeah then they had this thing was i think it was called palm palm desert green or something like that it was like this total ron burgundy if you get that look at that thing click on the interior dude and that thing was way ahead of its time way ahead of its time that's amazing look at that fucking piece of shit.

[561] That's not a piece of shit.

[562] That's fucking tremendous.

[563] Look at the captain's chair, dude.

[564] I swivel.

[565] Dude, let me tell you something.

[566] You walk off stage and get on that fucking thing.

[567] You feel like a king.

[568] You got a driver?

[569] What do you give a fuck?

[570] You don't give a fuck about anything.

[571] I could be on the road forever in that.

[572] Just making eggs on that little stove top.

[573] No, you're in there drinking.

[574] You're doing what you want.

[575] You're watching Goodfellas.

[576] They're fucking Anchorman.

[577] That is pretty beautiful.

[578] It's so, well, it's an experience, too.

[579] You're riding that thing.

[580] That's a retro experience.

[581] That's not just a truck.

[582] Yeah, that thing, you know, my wife nixed it.

[583] It's like, what are you going to put it up?

[584] I was like, oh, the fucking driver will keep it.

[585] I don't need it.

[586] She was right.

[587] My wife's always right.

[588] Not always, but mostly.

[589] Women don't like when you collect shit.

[590] Like, where are you going to put that?

[591] They don't like that.

[592] You get too many things.

[593] Half the reason why I got this place.

[594] Collect shit here.

[595] Oh, yeah?

[596] Nobody can say nothing.

[597] This spot?

[598] One says nothing.

[599] No, but then it becomes, you spend more time down there than you do up here.

[600] I don't, though.

[601] I got it nailed.

[602] I figured it out.

[603] Get up early.

[604] You're being such a jerk.

[605] That's why they don't have a point.

[606] I don't.

[607] I can actually refute your opinion, your point or whatever.

[608] It's so universal, too.

[609] All women have that response.

[610] Like, oh, the fuck is wrong with you.

[611] Yeah.

[612] They're on the highway.

[613] Yeah.

[614] That's it.

[615] Well, imagine being them watching you.

[616] Imagine being a woman, taking care of your children.

[617] You know, you give birth.

[618] You get this little tiny infant.

[619] And then financially, you're relying on this fucking maniac.

[620] It's out there flying helicopters and fixing cars and playing drums all day.

[621] It's like, what?

[622] As long as the money keeps coming in, they can't say anything.

[623] But they're like, what the fuck are you doing?

[624] At the end of the day, you married an eight -year -old.

[625] Exactly.

[626] You would have married a comedian?

[627] Oh, Jesus Christ You know, you're lucky we're not drug addicts Yeah Yeah No, I'm, I'm I got a work on myself, man I got a fucking, you know I just, yeah I am a difficult person To live with Evidently I didn't realize it But like I'm now looking at it Honestly, stepping back And look like I go Yeah, I can see that I can fucking see that Yeah, I've thought about it I'm definitely difficult Well, if you don't think about it They'll remind you about it Yeah Yeah, but I mean, I would just imagine relying on me. I mean, I'm reliable.

[628] Like, I'm not...

[629] I want to be like, look, if you could have married to me that worked in a fucking warehouse and I would have been the same thing, you know, and we would be in a fucking studio apartment.

[630] Here's the deal, though.

[631] They wouldn't have married you.

[632] Huh?

[633] They would have found someone better.

[634] Yeah.

[635] Yeah.

[636] Yeah.

[637] If you were just fucking off, never got your shit together.

[638] No, you know what is about women, too, is their ability to move on.

[639] Yeah.

[640] Like I've always said, like if I ever fucking died, how quickly all my clothes would be down at the goodwill, you know, and she'd just be like, you know, sell the house, let's just burn some sage.

[641] Yeah.

[642] That was interesting.

[643] All right.

[644] Well, all my just.

[645] All my discussions with biologists and people who study, like, what's Gad Sads?

[646] What is his discipline?

[647] Behavioral psychology.

[648] But he studies, you know, motivation.

[649] His name is Gadsad?

[650] Is it his last name?

[651] It's his full name?

[652] S -A -A -D, G -A -D, that's his first name, GAD, S -A -A -D is his last name.

[653] Does it rhyme?

[654] Does it also rhyme?

[655] Lebanese Canadian evolutionary behavioral scientist.

[656] Brilliant guy.

[657] He was on a podcast yesterday.

[658] So in Lebanon, does his name still rhyme?

[659] That's a good question.

[660] Is there anywhere he can go?

[661] My name's Gadsad.

[662] No. He calls himself the Gadfather.

[663] He's a great guy.

[664] Oh, so he just steered into it.

[665] He's a great guy.

[666] I can imagine him he was 13.

[667] But brilliant.

[668] My last name's sad.

[669] Why would you name me Gad, Mom?

[670] Gad, sad.

[671] I don't think sad means the same thing over there.

[672] You know, different language.

[673] At the end of the day, it rhymes.

[674] There's no country you can be on.

[675] You could be on that fucking little island where they shot that guy with the arrows and they're going to make fun of you.

[676] They'll probably kick you off the island.

[677] You can't name your kids.

[678] Some of these celebrities, some of the fucking names they name their kids.

[679] It's just like, don't you remember school?

[680] You don't remember how fucking mean kids were?

[681] why are you giving a painting a fucking I get it you're creative Yeah Have a meditation room Fucking don't do that with the name I know Give him a nice bill name William This is folding chair Johnson People need to Express themselves They do it through the naming of their children My other favorite thing What they do is when they fucking They put their political agenda On them Like the kid doesn't even have a fucking chance Like this whole thing like gender roles babies by the way that my little experience being a dad going to kid birthday parties they those kids are not old enough for that behavior to be learned dude the kids come but boys show up it is fucking brave heart they come over the fucking hill the girls are social they're sitting there they're kind of they're taking things in you know kids boys come and they fucking dude we were at one on Saturday, and there was this kid who's hilarious.

[682] He looked like a little Bobby Hurley.

[683] He was a point guard, right?

[684] And he was playing this game.

[685] He had, like, this ball, and he was using his, like, forearms as a bat, and he was hit it, then he would catch it, and then he would throw it between his legs, and he was doing all his guys.

[686] This kid's hand -eye coordination was great for his age.

[687] So over in the corner where I was sitting with my daughter was these, like, little, like, cushions that someone had put together, like, three -piece thing, and made it into, like, a little chair so an old person like me could sit down.

[688] So I stood up because I was worried.

[689] the ball was going to hit, so I was kind of guarding that.

[690] So he went over and got the ball at one point, and just seeing the chair there, you know, all built like that, he just saw it and just kicked it and just destroyed it and then continued on.

[691] I was thinking like, why did he do that?

[692] Because he's a boy.

[693] He's a boy.

[694] Yeah, we like ruin shit.

[695] Well, you got a lot of energy.

[696] Little kids, like, need something to do that's physical.

[697] The little bodies have the little batteries overflowing with energy.

[698] I'm just saying that their shit was all about.

[699] like grabbing, throwing, breaking.

[700] Yeah.

[701] Do you remember being a kid?

[702] Everybody did that.

[703] It's normal.

[704] This whole thing of like, like, well, women aren't aggressive like that because, you know, society standards.

[705] Yeah, I think it's, they're aggressive in, like, I think that they literally from like just survival shit.

[706] They're looking and like, all right, that's what I have to compete with.

[707] And there are, you see them looking at the boys who appear to be dominating.

[708] And what they are is they're actually showing all.

[709] all of their cards and the little girls are already taking and in breaking them down knowing well I can't get physical with this person I can't like dominate this person physically this is definitely and they just immediately start going like that's why they're fucking smarter than we are I think no did I lose you somewhere in that I don't necessarily think they're smarter I think what's going on is that men have we have different DNA and the the genes are aggressive and men are supposed to be doing reckless shit right that's i'm just saying it's not it's society didn't sit down until they didn't watch three serial commercials and then be like oh i need to be fucking this i just think that's that's just some uh bullshit that adults come came up with and uh it's not just adults it's almost always women it's women that think that there's something wrong with the way men are raising their sons they think there's something that like that they this idea of these men raising these kids, these kids being aggressive is because of the way they've been coached.

[710] That's not true.

[711] It's just, that's just a part of being a boy.

[712] There's a shit ton of studies.

[713] If people wanted to actually look at the science, I mean, if you leave boys alone with toys and girls alone with toys, boys will gravitate towards trucks and fucking, you know, things that they can hit and smash and girls sit down there with little teacups and they play with dolls, it's natural.

[714] It's just 100 % natural.

[715] Yeah.

[716] There was a documentary on babies.

[717] You know, babies are gender neutral, raising their kids gender neutral so they don't call them a boy or a girl.

[718] And my thing with that is there's no way you're not saying to your son, you're sure you don't want to wear the dress?

[719] And then the kid wants to fucking, it wants to parents' approval.

[720] Yeah, I didn't want that football.

[721] I guess I wanted the dress.

[722] And it's just like, like I said, you know, my kids barely too.

[723] So what the fuck do I know?

[724] I'm just saying my limited experience at kids' birthday parties is it's not even how it was ever even questioned that like they're too fucking too young they're fucking year and a half two years old like you're telling me that society has already yeah they have it's ridiculous but it's usually women that want to push this and men who are bitches it's like these these men that don't like aggressive they don't like aggressive they don't like aggressive.

[725] men they don't like manly men and so they they push it as well no because they're aggressive and they're controlling and they want to run shit and that's because that's the thing where like if you really look at their agenda when they say the future is feminine that's not inclusive and they're all about oh make this more inclusive it's like no let us in so we can take it over and then we'll push you down is is the psychology of the kind of person that goes after that someone that's after like power i'm not saying the average woman is like that my wife is a feminist and she's to like inclusive shit but like people who are spearheading stuff yes like those people are wired the same way like you know i mean a dominator is yes yes and there's going to be no room for you it's going to be like think the way like a lot of that that's so -called progressives extreme left is think the way we think say what we say or we will fucking destroy you pull up that tweet that i retweeted today that david packman retweet david packman is this liberal progressive guy this posts on Twitter, she would never vote for a man or a white man or a white person.

[726] White or male.

[727] Someone who's white or male.

[728] He says that's racist and sexist.

[729] It is.

[730] So she blocks him on Twitter.

[731] Today she called Boston College demanding that they not have him back as adjunct faculty.

[732] It's crazy.

[733] So this woman posts this.

[734] and he points out that it's racist and sexist.

[735] So she blocks him and she tries to get him fired.

[736] Okay.

[737] This is why that whole thing is fucked up.

[738] Okay.

[739] Because he's acting like white people exist on an even plane, which is what a lot of people try to do.

[740] So it's like...

[741] He's not necessarily.

[742] He's just saying that what she's saying is racist and sexist.

[743] Yes.

[744] Because she's determining who she's going to vote for based entirely on the race.

[745] Yes.

[746] But there's other elements involved.

[747] Like the level that white people, not saying all white people, but white people have fucked over people who are not white.

[748] Forget about poor white people who they fucked over.

[749] So you understand that, but they're both right, but then, like, the fact that she then takes it to the point that because he had the audacity to have a difference of an opinion, that that's the thing now that now we're going to destroy you and you can't be on this thing.

[750] And then the other level of that is how the corporate entities are so afraid that one fucking nickel is going to roll out the Because all of this shit is you're just a paper tiger until you get the big behemoth to listen to you.

[751] And there's all of these fucking things from award shows to this bullshit that someone just needs to be like, listen, this guy already apologized.

[752] This is an old fucking thing.

[753] Or look, you just had a difference of opinion that you know, this isn't the first time you're going to say something and somebody's going to disagree with you.

[754] That doesn't mean that this guy can't come back.

[755] you know and you obviously because of some shit that's happened to you have an extreme opinion about this guy because of the color of his skin it's like there's so many fucked up elements to that that but for some reason you can't like if you address that on any level then you're part of the problem and then it's not just part of the problem she's trying to get him fired she's trying to get him fired for pointing out that something is racist No, I'm saying if you say what I just said, try to look at it 360 as much as I can, which is why I love South Park, because everything that they do, they do at 360, right?

[756] And so I learned a lot from that show by the way they look at stuff like that because I don't fucking know everything.

[757] But even just to try to be like, well, hey, you know, you insulted him a little bit.

[758] I understand what you're saying and blah, blah, blah, blah.

[759] You can't fucking do that anymore because then somebody, you're part of the fucking problem.

[760] And no, it's really getting crazy.

[761] It's got to the point like I've seen, I'm not going to name names, but I've seen.

[762] like, you know, a tweet from a fellow comic telling comics what jokes you shouldn't talk about this topic.

[763] It's like, who the fuck are you?

[764] It's like, there's already been enough people doing that.

[765] You're going to do like cannibalism now?

[766] Have you really, you've ever seen comics say that?

[767] Yeah.

[768] Real comics?

[769] Yeah.

[770] I mean, everybody has their opinion on somebody's fucking act, but I mean, yeah.

[771] Yeah.

[772] That's ridiculous.

[773] That's not a real comic.

[774] Well, I wouldn't say that.

[775] They are a real comic.

[776] They just have an opinion I don't agree with.

[777] They can fuck off.

[778] I mean, yeah, I mean.

[779] I'm trying to have less confrontations in my life here.

[780] That kind of shit drives me crazy, though.

[781] What drives me most crazy is this bullying, like she's trying to get him fired.

[782] She's trying to get them fired for having an opinion on something that she publicly stated.

[783] One of these, somebody running one of these things has to be like, you know, and it can't just be private.

[784] It has to be a public tweet.

[785] to say that this is, it's just going too far.

[786] And this fucking thing where you have a difference of an opinion now, and they're just going to, you know, take your fucking job away, you know.

[787] I ran into this shit, you know, when, you know, when the Me Too stuff first started coming out, people would try to like, you know, you had to tweet the right fucking thing.

[788] And if, and if you said anything sort of, oh, let's look at the evidence.

[789] God forbid you fucking said that.

[790] and it just became like this whole your part of the problem and then they would try to take you down or someone you were friends with or doing a show with or represented by they would try to do like that pressure to try and it was just like and all you had to say is like no I'm not doing that and then it just goes away because you don't have a fucking leg to stand on well also the people that are doing it it's a small percentage of a it's a very vocally small unbelievably small and you know comic it's like we're literally running for office we're out there campaigning for this election that never happens and you're going through red states, blue states you're going through fucking everything and the general consensus of people is like like dude that that was fucking crazy like that doesn't make sense but no one wants to say it because they're going to get steamrolled so what happened to Matt Damon right Matt Damon said we have to make a differentiation between the Harvey Weinstein's in the world and then someone who you know because he's unsorry goes on a bad date There's a big difference between those two.

[791] And they attacked him and they tried to get him pulled off of that movie, Oceans 8.

[792] Yeah.

[793] And they were acting like that like killing somebody versus stealing a car versus jaywalking.

[794] Like literally the whole judicial system is based on what you did is your punishment.

[795] Your parents do that.

[796] Right.

[797] You know what I mean?

[798] How bad was what you did.

[799] Yeah.

[800] Yeah.

[801] That's all.

[802] That's what that sounded like.

[803] Yeah, exactly.

[804] And we live in a world now where I have to be measured.

[805] in the way that I say that what he said you know affected me how I heard it and then I was like this is just a typical fucking bald white male and they go in that route it's like you literally sound like what the fuck you're against and it's it's a it's not going to last and I feel like it's like the end of the winter and people want to go outside and get some sun on their face and you didn't like no no like taking people by the back of their fucking neck and fucking shoving their face in the shit that you can't sustain that no you can't sustain it it doesn't it doesn't work you don't get people to change by yelling at them it doesn't work or bombing them like what the fuck we're doing like that's not all you're doing is you're just building up resentment yeah and more people want to fucking take you down so that's like they don't understand psychology So what they think is this is their time.

[806] This is their time to get back at men.

[807] This is their time to yell at men.

[808] This is the time to wear the future's feminine t -shirts.

[809] This is a time to take their stand.

[810] And did you not see the women's march?

[811] Saw a bunch of people walking.

[812] Listen, I'm not saying the points that they're making don't need to be made.

[813] I'm not saying that their complaints are not just.

[814] It's the execution of it.

[815] Yes.

[816] Where it's like you're going to go through intimidation and destroying people like.

[817] Exactly.

[818] people's careers and people you have to publicly apologize it's so it's like they're bullying people yes some of the biggest bullies right now i can't believe it because i'm a lefty are on my side of the fucking fence and you know when someone's on your side of the fence and you're looking at them like you sound like a fucking crazy person that's when you've entered like you know what was your special strange times yeah weird yeah like it's like it is strange yeah it is strange because it's it's They feel like they're justified because they feel like with a maniac like Trump in the office that they have to do what they have to do to change the world.

[819] But you don't change the world by yelling at people.

[820] It doesn't work that way.

[821] And there's real points to be made.

[822] There's real points about I couldn't imagine being a woman working in an office with a bunch of guys trying to fuck you all the time.

[823] It's got to be a goddamn nightmare.

[824] I can't imagine having a bunch of bosses that literally tell you you suck my dick, I'll give you a race.

[825] That happens.

[826] It's fucking, it's got to be hell.

[827] I get it.

[828] I mean, I get it from top to bar.

[829] You got to be like an eight, though, eight on up to deal with that every day.

[830] I mean, let's be fucking honest.

[831] You know what I mean?

[832] There's really, there's really, there's really, if you got a person out there.

[833] Got a nice ass.

[834] I'm just saying, you know, it's just like some of that shit is like fucking, you know, it's, it's, I always viewed it like, like, you ever watch like the behind the scenes of like a prison?

[835] and the first thing every guy thinks is how the fuck would I not get raped in there, right?

[836] Women have to think that, just fucking walking down the street.

[837] So that's how I wrap my head around to be like, wow, okay, like what they're saying is like, because I don't like, like a lot of the arguments, I'm not like that doesn't make sense.

[838] It's what doesn't make sense to me is the children of the corn, fucking, you know, torches burning and just like, the way that a lot of people they do that with our foreign policy like this whole fucking thing is bankrupted this country every August now they just shut down the government which has just become normal and all they do to make it like okay is they just raise the level of debt that we legally can take on or whatever and it's like all right let's do this for another year and if you question any of that that means you don't support the troops and you're a fucking piece of shit and you need to get the fuck out of here and it's like so much stuff doesn't make sense to me like I just saw Michelle Obama they had this fucking tweet of her wearing these glitter thigh high boots and said sets Twitter on fire with her $4 ,000 fucking boots and it's just like you know do you don't question where she got that money the president makes 500 grand a year she blew four grand on thigh high boots Don't even talk to me about the fucking book deal and all of that shit.

[839] That fucking guy, his first, like, two, you know, public speaking engagement things who are, like, with major banks.

[840] And you go out on the road.

[841] And all these guys are, like, fucking, all these fellow Americans are upside down on the house from all those fucking banker cunts who did not get, did not get punished in 2008.

[842] They all, you know what I talk about, like, people who should have their fucking lives burned down.

[843] Those people.

[844] And these guys, they're in, they have their faces in the same fucking.

[845] pig trough is the guys with the red ties and for whatever reason like I don't and I don't know why like they get a pass exactly it doesn't make any sense how about more serious shit like drone strikes more more innocent civilians were killed with drone strikes during Obama's administration I know and that's why they're telling me you're fighting terrorism while you're creating more of it because all I would want to do is just get revenge exactly and uh you know I have very simply ways of how to get the fuck out of there.

[846] How do you do it?

[847] Well, I mean, I'm not saying the air would be cleaner because I don't know what, like, when you throw a Tesla battery into the fucking ocean, what that does to it, I'm sure it's fucking horrible.

[848] But I know that there are one -stop shop over there in the Middle East.

[849] They got oil and that's it, you know?

[850] I always compare them.

[851] Remember that kiosk in like the South Shore Plaza in Boston?

[852] There was a something, it was a place called Wixen sticks.

[853] All they did was sell candles.

[854] Which just seemed like a really vulnerable business.

[855] Or pewter pot.

[856] first they just sold muffins and then they started doing full breakfasts well they're like a pewter pot they're just selling muffins so if we stop buying muffins we got enough oil here if we switch to solar power and all that shit I know the windmills are ugly and I know it's probably just as much fucking bad on the environment but what it does is it gets you out of there and it bankrupts them and then they don't have the money to funnel through the moss to fund the terrorists well the United States is exporting oil now which is crazy I mean we we have a lot of oil right and especially through you know fracking i'm just saying but if you ever suggested that yeah which i think i just did i think then for some reason i don't love my country and like i'm trying to solve it i'm a frugal guy you know i don't fucking you know i don't spend beyond my means and you know uh i don't like debt and that type of shit i don't know how the fuck these guys i think that's why the president ages so much um well they don't get in sleep the pressure you imagine The dead bodies?

[857] Everything.

[858] All of that.

[859] Just knowing how everything really works.

[860] Oh, yeah.

[861] Trump doesn't seem to mind.

[862] He just takes an extra adderall, keeps on trucking.

[863] He doesn't seem like all the scandals, that guy seems completely normal.

[864] Because I think he's a certain level sick mentally that it doesn't get in.

[865] I mean, because he hasn't aged at all.

[866] Now, granted, he's got all that white stuff around his eyes and, you know, I don't know what he's doing with the hair but the hair is usually the tell -tale sign but i think it goes gray yeah he's one of the only presidents that you know it's like half of that shit's probably from a doll like who knows where that has got enough money to do like a transplant at this point right you can't do a transplant on that thing he doesn't have any he doesn't have any donor area what i mean he's got it all in the back does it no he doesn't you ever see what happens when it flies up in the back when the wind hits it the back's all bald oh because he probably did the original plugs and they didn't take who knows what he's got going on back there he's got chaos going on back there you ever seen it yeah I mean he's the president hits it and his hair flops up but you ever seen the the video of him it looks look he's a guy wearing a demon like a demon wearing a human mask it's very wispy not just wispy like it's missing like like like Chernobyl baby do you know it be nuts if he gets a second term and he shaves his head that would be nuts and he would just look like the most evil fucking dude ever like that would be like if you got a second term shaves his head starts doing intermittent fasting lifting weights gets on steroids drops down about a buck 90 jacked yeah i mean that would be i think uh yeah it's definitely uh i don't that's why i'm trying to just in my own little fucking world i'm trying to chill out more and i'm trying not to fucking there's just there's enough yelling i don't think that they need it from me now i think more mocking and laughing than yelling for sure but when you see enough of those the future is feminine t -shirts and you see enough hypocrisy and you see enough people trying to take people out for commenting on what's sexist and racist and trying to get people fired like it's a time of outrage across the board and you have to respond a little bit you have to let people know hey this is fucking ridiculous like there's there's a certain obligation especially comedians have as a social commentator you see some stupid shit if you're not commenting on it If you choose to go that route, some people just like, I'm just going to let you forget your whole work weekend.

[867] I'm just going to talk about a bunch of shit, small stuff.

[868] Like Seinfeld type stuff.

[869] Yeah.

[870] I mean, some people don't comment on anything that's controversial.

[871] Some people, they'll go their entire career.

[872] But what I've always loved about Seinfeld is like, if you really listen to him, he has contempt.

[873] I said this on the comedians and cars.

[874] He has contempt for like 90 % of things.

[875] There's anger underneath this shit.

[876] Brian Regan's like that too.

[877] Brian Regan used to do that fucking bit about the cattle prod You know, the walk stand line On the fucking The moving sidewalk at the airport When he would act out the cattle prod That he wanted to fucking do I was just like, there it is There it is There it is He's one of the nicest fucking guys ever Brian Regan?

[878] He is So nice And he's And an unbelievable Just decent Fully formed human being He really is a great guy.

[879] He also knows when to get on stage and when not to get on stage.

[880] If he's drunk, you won't get on stage.

[881] Oh, yeah.

[882] The other day he was at the store, he was hanging around.

[883] I had my show in the main room.

[884] And I said, Brian, you went to do a set?

[885] He's like, thank you.

[886] But I've had a bit too much to drink.

[887] Yeah.

[888] He was in the back bar, a little bit lit up.

[889] And he just said, I just don't think it's a good idea.

[890] Yeah.

[891] Especially because he's got that squeaky clean act.

[892] If he goes up there, he's fucking cunts.

[893] Yeah.

[894] You just can't.

[895] I've only twice in my life.

[896] been on stage drunk once was in ireland oh that's a good place to be drunk yeah and then the uh that's doing the kill canny festival a long time ago and then another time i had gone to a red sox yankees game got drunk at the game thought it was sober and somebody texted me as i got back to the city going hey you want to do a spot you know i got off the subway want to do a spot i was like yeah and i thought i you know you know when you're so drunk that like just drunk feel sober and i got on stage and I was just like oh shit and I really had to slow down I was like slurring that's fucking what's going on people immediately everything I learned it as a comedian it was like I had like open micro energy and the whole crowd reacted that way and I had to kind of slow down and get it going I don't even think I did my time I was like fucking sweating my mouth was dry I was just like all right that's it for me that was my closing bit that's it for me Yeah, so never did that again.

[897] Yeah, it's anything that slows your brain down, it's not the best.

[898] Yeah.

[899] But a little buzz doesn't hurt anybody.

[900] Just a little bit.

[901] I don't, yeah.

[902] I like one drink.

[903] You like one drink, yeah.

[904] One drink.

[905] I don't.

[906] You don't like anything?

[907] No, I don't.

[908] I have like a rule that I don't.

[909] You used to have like a drink before you go on stage?

[910] Never.

[911] Really?

[912] Not even a little drink?

[913] No. Never?

[914] Why did I think you did?

[915] No. Confusing you with somebody, maybe.

[916] Yeah, so right now I'm like, I'm kind of just, I don't know, I was, I drank too much, you know, I was just, drank too much and then I just take some time off, so I'm just taking time off from boozing right now.

[917] I know you got on a big diet kick for a while.

[918] You got down pretty light, didn't you?

[919] You got pretty heavy, and then you lost a ton of weight and you developed abs again?

[920] I got four out of the eight.

[921] I got halfway there.

[922] That's good.

[923] I got halfway there, and then, uh, then I had a six -week run on the road, and it just fucking, it just sucks, man. I ate perfect.

[924] I wasn't drinking for like two months, no, almost three months.

[925] And then six weeks, six weeks, and you just fucking, you know, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just not fair.

[926] It's not fair that there's no way in a healthy way to really lose like five pounds a week, but you can easily put on six.

[927] No problem.

[928] No fucking problem, especially in like New York, you could just fucking, you could do it.

[929] You can lose five pounds a week if you really have the weight to lose.

[930] I was going to say, like, I was going to say 10 because I knew you were going to fucking debate this.

[931] Yeah, 10's rough.

[932] 10, you're dehydrating yourself.

[933] But you can lose five.

[934] No, but I mean, like, not losing muscle mass. Like, just doing it the right way and you're going to keep it off.

[935] I'm not talking about some celebrity crash diet or I got to make weight for this fight.

[936] I mean, like, like, legit.

[937] Just how easy.

[938] I mean, just fucking New York City.

[939] Get a couple slices of pizza.

[940] Every fucking night after a night of drinking.

[941] You're of a certain age.

[942] That's it.

[943] Five pounds.

[944] All of a sudden, you know, fucking slacks aren't fit in the way.

[945] this posted.

[946] Yeah.

[947] I do, you ever do intermittent fasting?

[948] You know what that is?

[949] Yeah.

[950] You ever try that?

[951] Yeah, it's called sleeping.

[952] I haven't eaten for eight hours.

[953] He's supposed to wait 16.

[954] Breakfast, break fast.

[955] Yeah.

[956] No, I can do that.

[957] That's not, you know, fasting is not hard.

[958] It's just if you start at four in the afternoon and then, you know, by the time you wake up the next morning, you've gone so long that you're not really even hungry anymore.

[959] Yeah.

[960] And then you kind of, mine, and it's just that first night, and then you're all right.

[961] I know a buddy of mine does it.

[962] He goes, dude, I still work out.

[963] I don't do anything.

[964] He goes, I have this ridiculous amount of energy and all this shit.

[965] I was just like, I heard when you're fasting, you're not supposed to do that.

[966] He's like, it's all bullshit.

[967] You heard when you're fast, you're not supposed to do what?

[968] Exercise?

[969] Yeah, like you're supposed to fucking be chilling.

[970] Nah, no, you can exercise.

[971] You can definitely exercise, especially in a mid -fasting.

[972] You were the second non -doctor to tell me that I can do that.

[973] I'm waiting for someone with at least has a lab coat Halloween costume to tell me that.

[974] I'll get Don Di Augustino.

[975] He's a guy that...

[976] Get sad glad.

[977] Gad sad.

[978] We have a guy that's been on the podcast a couple times.

[979] It's a fasting expert.

[980] I'd be like, I'm sorry.

[981] Does your name rhyme?

[982] I wonder if Gad is short for something, like Gadsukes.

[983] One of the great drummers of all time, Steve Gad.

[984] Really?

[985] Gadzukes is a great name.

[986] Now, if you name your kids, Gadzukes.

[987] It's just not fair to your children.

[988] Gad Zooks is not a bad name.

[989] It's kind of cool.

[990] Gad Zooks.

[991] Remember that?

[992] People would say that.

[993] Gad Zooks.

[994] That was like a comic book type thing.

[995] Like when people were stunned, it'd say Gad Zooks.

[996] I would say Stephen Zooks.

[997] Yeah, Lebanon.

[998] Common male Arabic name given that means Felicity?

[999] I know, but did they fucking, if your last name is sad, do you have to name your kid, Gad?

[1000] I just can't picture a part of the world where you name fucking rhymes and you don't have to deal with that every time?

[1001] Oh, Gad's that.

[1002] Yeah, I guess.

[1003] get it it rhymes can i have my fucking falafel you want to talk to him huh he could do your show he'll do your show he's a funny guy you talk to him about that i don't have smart people on my podcast ever you've never done it right i did it once you did do it once yeah i did it all right well i make an exception i think we did it at my place oh okay has it been that long yeah yeah yeah yeah or we did it, no, we didn't do it at my house.

[1004] We did it at the studio.

[1005] Yeah, I think we did it.

[1006] I think I believe I recorded it.

[1007] Yeah, yeah, yeah, or something like that.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] Yeah.

[1010] I like how you do it, though.

[1011] I keep telling comics.

[1012] I'm saying, look, look what Bill does.

[1013] He doesn't need anybody.

[1014] He doesn't need anything.

[1015] He's got a fucking recorder, and he just rambles.

[1016] Yeah, that's great.

[1017] Yeah, that's because of my childhood.

[1018] The way you just said that?

[1019] What did you just say?

[1020] He doesn't need anybody.

[1021] He doesn't need anything.

[1022] He doesn't need anything.

[1023] Yeah, that's where I went.

[1024] And that was my protective place.

[1025] I went mentally.

[1026] He just would start talking to yourself.

[1027] No, I was just like, I fuck everybody.

[1028] I don't need anybody.

[1029] I don't care.

[1030] Which wasn't true.

[1031] I did care.

[1032] Right.

[1033] You did care.

[1034] But you just say, I don't care.

[1035] I don't give a fuck.

[1036] That's a pretty common thing amongst comics, don't you think?

[1037] No, I think I'm unique.

[1038] Oh, interesting.

[1039] No, I guess it is.

[1040] There's a few guys that are doing that now like you, though.

[1041] Like Theo Vaughn does his podcast very similar to the way you do it.

[1042] He just rambles.

[1043] You know, Delia does it, very similar, just rambles.

[1044] but that's a great, it's gotta be a great way to develop material.

[1045] Well, I try not to take too much shit from there.

[1046] You know, I answer questions and shit.

[1047] I have my little fucking tent pulls I got to get me through it, but I, man, I don't know.

[1048] Like, it just started out as a way to promote my dates and I would just talk, hey, what's going on?

[1049] I'd make a couple of jokes.

[1050] I'm going to be at the punchline in San Francisco, and it was only like a minute long or two minutes long.

[1051] And then it just got a little longer and long, I would tell some stories.

[1052] I used to call in a service, is how I did it, and it would record me on the phone.

[1053] So I had my little flip phone, and I would...

[1054] I remember those.

[1055] You were, like, at an airport talking on the phone.

[1056] It was like a phone call.

[1057] Yeah, and I'd be making fun of fat people and shit as they were walking by.

[1058] How long were those?

[1059] Then those started to get to be 10 minutes, 15, and then half hours.

[1060] To the point was, you know, I noticed I was talking on a cell phone, like my head felt like I was getting cooked.

[1061] And then, you know, then I started like, oh, I need...

[1062] I'll answer questions and I had a thing for a while overrated, underrated then I had a segment is it racist but then somebody said Tosh .0 had something like that so I had to get rid of that.

[1063] Yeah, just kind of did that.

[1064] Now I just, I don't know, I just sit down sometimes I forget that I'm fucking talking to anybody.

[1065] All those years are just being on the road, just talking to yourself in the car.

[1066] Is that what you do?

[1067] You talk to yourself in the road on your car?

[1068] Yeah.

[1069] Really?

[1070] I listen to music.

[1071] I fucking fantasize about being in the band.

[1072] That's a big thing.

[1073] When I listen to music, when I listen to a music, you pick any fucking song and I'll tell you who I am in the band during it.

[1074] I know you're an hour smith guy, right?

[1075] So, Train Kappa Roland.

[1076] I'm Joe Perry.

[1077] Okay.

[1078] When he's fucking playing the guitar.

[1079] And then when Stephen sings, I'm Stephen.

[1080] I'm doing the whole fantasy.

[1081] I'm just like jumping around like fucking, I'm in Star Trek, right?

[1082] And then when Joey Kramer does the fucking the drum roll in the middle and I'm Joey and yeah I just crush it it's just a whole fucking fantasy of me. Have you ever met those guys?

[1083] I met Tommy Hamilton, Joe Perry did my podcast He's great, didn't he?

[1084] Yeah, yeah, he's a great guy like so down to earth Yeah, ridiculous and you're hanging out with them you're like forget, like this is one of the greatest guitarist of all time Yeah, all the riffs he wrote and everything He's a regular dude Yeah, Stephen Tyler I met one time Yeah just all Yeah I always like You know Just that that whole band experience Is very a lot like stand -up Where in the beginning You're doing these impossible gigs And you get like this You know You know it's like you against them And even like as you came up as an open micer The band was kind of the class of open micers And you'd go up there And you know if the crowd got the better of you You'd like if you know If your buddy told that person To shut the fuck up or whatever I just like that whole thing, you know, like when I read that, you know, one of those Guns and Roses books about how their first gig was in Seattle and they had this van or something and it broke down and they just kept going and they just were thumbing and they just somehow fucking got there at the last second they just did the gig.

[1085] You know, I just, and I just would think it would be all, like, you know, it was great feeling as a comedian to turn a room around.

[1086] Yeah.

[1087] But to actually be in a band and fucking, you know, you did it with somebody else.

[1088] You'd actually share it with somebody, as opposed to, you know, fucking doing it by yourself and then going back to the Super 8, you know?

[1089] I love that you do those gigs where you get together early with Dean Del Rey and you guys play music and he sings.

[1090] Dean Del Rey can sing his fucking ass off, dude.

[1091] He's good.

[1092] Yeah.

[1093] Like, he's really good.

[1094] He has all the fucking rock star moves and shit.

[1095] Yeah.

[1096] He's fucking.

[1097] He's legit.

[1098] Yeah, we had a great time.

[1099] The clips he was showing you, that was at the forum.

[1100] And then.

[1101] When he was singing a whole lot of Rosie.

[1102] Yeah.

[1103] I was like, holy shit.

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] Like that is, he's got a fucking voice on him, man. And we didn't tune down a lot of times, like when you go see a band, you don't really notice, but they tune down half a step or a full step.

[1106] And sometimes, you know, people can get way the fuck down on certain songs.

[1107] But he, they still, I saw Guns of Roses recently.

[1108] There he is.

[1109] Give me some volume on this.

[1110] Yeah, Axon.

[1111] And it's got to print it.

[1112] And exactly small.

[1113] Here we go, right here.

[1114] That's Michael Devon on bass.

[1115] Andrew?

[1116] Yeah.

[1117] Awesome cover.

[1118] Yeah, we did, might be a little slow.

[1119] It's like you guys are like you're a fun band together, but you got a legit professional singer.

[1120] Well, that guy on bass plays in Whitesnake.

[1121] Oh shit.

[1122] He's a Massachusetts guy.

[1123] No, he's a fucking beast.

[1124] Wow.

[1125] He's a beast.

[1126] For some reason, everybody looks like they're playing left -handed there.

[1127] I had a girl I dated once.

[1128] I got in a car accident with her.

[1129] Some old man ran a red light and slammed into us and the car got totaled.

[1130] So they're taking the car away and I have a box of my cassettes in the car.

[1131] And she sees the white snake cassette and she fucking threw it away.

[1132] She's like, why you still listen to this?

[1133] And I'd let her, I let her throw it away.

[1134] Oh, she must have been beautiful.

[1135] She's pretty hot she was older than me it's 19 that's why 1988 chucked my fucking white snake chucked it out so sad and because of that somebody sent me one is it still here where is that somebody sent me a fucking white snake cassette fucking told the story someone sends it in I got a white snake cassette sitting around here somewhere someone's in here dude I feel bad oh yeah those first relationships the shit you fucking shit you tolerate It's amazing I know Yeah I know She was a woman That was the thing I was still kind of a boy And she was a woman You know She was 25 She's on her own For quite a while Oh yeah I remember when I was 23 I dated a 30 year old That was not That was not the way to go They I think they treated you like a toy Yeah And it was like You know She had been through A bunch of relationships So she knew how to put up She knew how to post up in the thing, so I was just like...

[1136] She was ready for you.

[1137] Oh, yeah.

[1138] Yeah.

[1139] It was fun.

[1140] She was cool and everything, but it was just like, yeah, it didn't work out.

[1141] Yeah.

[1142] Yeah, I felt like I was a dog.

[1143] Like I was a, like, I was a, like, she got a dog.

[1144] You know, like, you know, chicks get a German Shepherd, you know?

[1145] Yeah, you're a German Shepherd.

[1146] She got a, she got a psycho.

[1147] Yeah, I was more of a dog time.

[1148] I was crazy back then, too.

[1149] This was, I was still.

[1150] fighting so it was like i was 21 and she was uh graduated from college grown woman had a job and a career had cds yeah she's like oh fuck you and no cassette tapes i don't even think yeah had cds in the cars in 88 did they no they did because i remember a buddy of mine he had the first one he had a Volkswagen shiraco that we thought was amazing right that was like a sports car yeah and he had uh this this might have been 89 though 89 or 90 i can't remember that's kind of a blur back then so long ago but he had like the uh they would like mount it like you had almost like a disc man it wasn't like in the dashboard and it would you would just sit on like the little console in the middle so and then the thing if he went over a bump it would skip you know and then they had like the the big suitcase they put in your trunk and that way it holds like 18 fucking CDs CD changers oh look at this yeah is that it's from 1984 whoa oh okay They had discs in 84 Wow Well we were just out of high school So he didn't have the money We thought he was rich He had a Volkswagen Characca Oh it's in his car in 1984 Wow You know they had car phones Back in like the 60s They had phones in cars Oh Yeah we had to be like the presidential level Yeah Super fucking rich guy Yeah I'm surprised you don't have a flip phone I'm surprised you're not rebelling I would do it I mean, I don't, but I like, I play my card games on my phone.

[1151] Spades and gin rummy and shit like that.

[1152] Whenever I'm in traffic now, if I Uber or something, that's how I get through traffic and I don't flip out as I just fucking stare at my phone.

[1153] You don't listen to books on tape or anything like that?

[1154] No, I can't do that.

[1155] You can't listen to books on tape?

[1156] I've never tried.

[1157] I just can't, what, would annoy me listening to the person trying to make it sound interesting.

[1158] You know?

[1159] With the inflections and the voice and stuff.

[1160] That would annoy you?

[1161] Yeah.

[1162] Because I'm defensive.

[1163] This guy thinks I'm a fucking moron.

[1164] It's just like...

[1165] And then in 1862, da da da da da da da da da ba bab baboo.

[1166] And just talking like that, I'd just be like, all right, dude, just fucking read it.

[1167] It's so funny.

[1168] Read it like a bailiff.

[1169] Read it like a bailiff.

[1170] Dude it like a bailiff.

[1171] Dude, I remember.

[1172] You know, I have that reference?

[1173] Because when I got busted for drunk driving, the bailiff goes, this is what he said.

[1174] The giggler goes, I pulled the defendant over approximately blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, chasing through two towns, you know, whatever.

[1175] And which was bullshit.

[1176] Anyways, I had a fucking 83 -4 Ranger.

[1177] And the bailiff read the thing.

[1178] He said, the arresting officer asked the defendant where he's coming from, and he stated fucking Boston.

[1179] And it was just like, that's not, that's what I said.

[1180] That's not the way I said it.

[1181] I was fucking wasted I was trying to remember he said where'd you come from I was like fucking Boston and the guy goes fucking Boston I want to get out of the car and I was like yeah I wasn't a jerk but when the guy did the read right he goes we asked him where he was coming from he said fucking Boston and then I looked like an asshole oh it was funny I was standing there there was all like these people mug people and they were like laughing this guy this guy's sticking it to the man I got pulled over for drunk driving once, but I wasn't drunk.

[1182] I dropped my phone.

[1183] Drop my phone on the highway.

[1184] Reach down and I, you know, I wiggled a little bit.

[1185] Right.

[1186] And I wasn't even reading my phone.

[1187] It was just my phone was between my legs.

[1188] And it fell, and I thought it was going to get underneath my accelerator.

[1189] And they pulled me over and they made me do all kinds of crazy shit.

[1190] And I did it.

[1191] Yeah.

[1192] I'm like, I'm doing all of it.

[1193] I'm like, look at me. I'm sober.

[1194] And then they wanted me to take a breathalyzer.

[1195] I'm like, okay.

[1196] Why do you want me to take a breathalyzer?

[1197] Like, I don't, I don't want to trust your equipment.

[1198] You just got done doing all the tests.

[1199] Yeah.

[1200] Like, look, I'm doing, I'm on one foot.

[1201] I'm fucking bouncing.

[1202] What do you need me to do?

[1203] I can do it.

[1204] Set up some cones.

[1205] Like, do you want to know if I'm drunk?

[1206] You know I'm not drunk.

[1207] So why you want me to blow in your bullshit?

[1208] Like, what's going on here?

[1209] And the cops, they agreed with me. They let me go.

[1210] Right.

[1211] I said, look, I'm a big supporter of police officers, big supporter of law enforcement.

[1212] I donate, I do benefits whenever they come up.

[1213] And I'm sober.

[1214] You know, it was another good one.

[1215] Look at me. I'm like most of my friends, we all got busted for drinking and driving.

[1216] The best one was a buddy of mine.

[1217] They read his and it was like, you know, approximately four in the morning.

[1218] We noticed a maroon VW Fox blowing its horn trying to pass on the right.

[1219] We pulled the defendant over after repeatedly asking the defendant to stay in the car.

[1220] He got out of the car through his keys.

[1221] my feet and repeatedly stated lock me up i'm fucked up and this was funny was my buddy was a good looking guy and the the judge was a was a woman and when the guy read that you know locked me up i'm fucked up and he wasn't the brightest guy and he just kind of he went like he's like put his head down like that and he was you know a little pound puppy fucking looking dude and uh she She gave him like a lighter sentence.

[1222] Because he was good -looking?

[1223] I think so.

[1224] Yeah, I mean, that all plays in.

[1225] That's why ugly people are complaining so much.

[1226] Like, they won't take the time to develop a fucking personality, write some jokes, do what the rest of us have to do.

[1227] Like, I don't get mad at Brad Pitt.

[1228] You know, like he fucking, because he's fucking beautiful.

[1229] I'm a fucking bald, red -headed male.

[1230] I know where I am in the pecking order.

[1231] and some of these fucking people who are complaining right now who are mad that beautiful people get treated differently I understand racially speaking but you're not going to do the beautiful thing and then there's another thing they try to say well society tries to you know they're the ones that fucking like I love one like there's a supermodel like this is like an impossible standard of beauty to try and live up to yeah yeah that's why she's on the cover of a magazine she's that level beautiful and you're going to try and sit there and tell me that that was learned.

[1232] Well, here's the thing.

[1233] That's only women.

[1234] Because when you see Jasonamoa playing Aquaman, you don't hear men saying that's an impossible standard of beauty that we have to keep up with.

[1235] No, I just make fun of that fucking stupid thing he has to hang on to.

[1236] I don't get how much you can kick my ass.

[1237] That is the dumbest.

[1238] You should be on a fucking cereal box.

[1239] It's a Trident.

[1240] For years, they had a problem like with Aquac.

[1241] Aquaman.

[1242] It's like he's in the ocean.

[1243] Human beings are on Earth.

[1244] Like, what do we, like, I have to see that fucking movie.

[1245] What are they going to be?

[1246] Is it going to be like Japanese people like finning?

[1247] Is he going to save sharp?

[1248] He goes under water.

[1249] Is that his skin?

[1250] Like, well, the bumps.

[1251] What is that?

[1252] Is that a suit?

[1253] Doesn't water get in the gloves?

[1254] You think that that'd have to be all one piece, right?

[1255] Yeah.

[1256] It would be annoying and shit.

[1257] Is any worse than water in your gloves?

[1258] Well, look, it looks like it catches them, like a water catcher.

[1259] Like, not just like water gets.

[1260] the gloves.

[1261] It's like a funnel.

[1262] He looks like a stripper at a bachelorette party.

[1263] He does.

[1264] A good one.

[1265] Like, you paid money.

[1266] You got a good one.

[1267] Got dieted down for that.

[1268] Yes, he did, and he got all the abs.

[1269] So he's better than I am.

[1270] Oh, this is the fall look.

[1271] That's a different one.

[1272] Yep.

[1273] The fall look.

[1274] This is when he's in the black sea.

[1275] You know what I mean?

[1276] He wants to fucking...

[1277] It's cold.

[1278] Yeah.

[1279] Did you see what's going on in the UK?

[1280] The UK is banned advertisements that feature unobtainable bodies.

[1281] There's a, I retweeted it.

[1282] I tweeted it recently.

[1283] The way they eat fish and chips over there, that's going to be most of advertising.

[1284] Well, they had these ads for summer bodies.

[1285] You know, you see a girl in a bikini, and they're now making it illegal to put those kind of ads up.

[1286] Why can't you aspire to that?

[1287] Like, I look at that Aquaman guy that makes me want to go to the gym.

[1288] I don't be like, oh, you know, you've got a full head of hair.

[1289] Like, you got to make me feel better?

[1290] It's because the people that complain.

[1291] Who are the people that complain?

[1292] The people that complain are the people that don't want to work to be that.

[1293] lady they don't want to work to get that kind of a body and they want to they just want to not see it they don't want to need they don't want to go to the subway and see a body that they're never going to have yeah i saw i saw an actress complaining one time because the studio told that she she needed to lose 15 pounds i'm like you can't drop 15 to star in a movie i mean what what carrot can they specifically carrots some veggies in your diet what do they have to dangle in front of you to go to the fucking gym like the rest of us like i literally like because i always say oh guys don't have to deal with that it's like yeah we do Of course, Appleman had to deal with that.

[1294] What if he gained 20 pounds?

[1295] Dude, forget about him.

[1296] Just having five lines in a fucking movie.

[1297] If I am north of 171, 72 pounds, the fucking tweets I get, Hey, Billy Boo's bag.

[1298] Hey, Billy bitch tits.

[1299] Hey, fat freckles.

[1300] All of this shit that I get, like, I know.

[1301] Like, they sit there and they, like, they're acting like fucking preteens where everything is just, everything's about them and the whole fucking world gives this shit.

[1302] celebrities with their fucking political views is the funniest thing ever.

[1303] It's like all you're, you're not, you're not making anybody change their mind politically.

[1304] I feel like I need to fucking speak up.

[1305] It's like, no, you can't have the spotlight on you enough.

[1306] That's all you're doing, because all you're doing with that bullshit is, first of all, you're alienating half the fucking people that are going to go see whatever the fuck you're in.

[1307] And then secondly, you're just getting on the radar of lunatics in white vans with two seats that are looking up how to fucking build pipe bombs.

[1308] Like that's the fallout It's like the jerk When he goes Average run of a mill Son of a bitch You know what he picks Steve Martin The idea that a girl Shouldn't be asked to lose weight To look hot for a movie It's fucking crazy Because that's what you're playing You're playing a hot woman That's part of the job And there's millions To everybody's in shape I remember fucking seeing I used to a bit about this I saw Ben Stiller And Meet the Fokkers or something There was a scene Where he had to have his shirt off in the pool had fucking abs in a comedy.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Because that's because you were seeing the influence of the fucking internet.

[1311] You know what I mean?

[1312] It gets in your head.

[1313] People just fucking trashing you.

[1314] Like I already knew I was unsightly, but I didn't realize how many things that people didn't enjoy about me until I got on the internet.

[1315] I was like, wow, I never noticed that about myself.

[1316] So, yeah, I don't have, look, if somebody really has like a fucking eating disorder, you know, I feel like fucking obese.

[1317] I have sympathy for those people.

[1318] But if you're 15 pounds, 20, pounds overweight.

[1319] I mean, fucking, you know, did he drink some fucking smoothies?

[1320] These women that are playing these roles have to understand, first of all, that part of the reason why you got that role is not just because of your acting ability, but also because you're pretty.

[1321] You have a beautiful face.

[1322] You were born with it.

[1323] You didn't even work at it.

[1324] And then on top of that, you're supposed to be playing a beautiful person in the movie.

[1325] They would like you to not be fat.

[1326] It's that simple.

[1327] That's not discrimination.

[1328] There's millions of dollars at stake that could be lost.

[1329] So I always feel like your job is, Even if you look like me, is to show up on time, knowing your lines in the best possible shape you could get yourself in.

[1330] If that's the role.

[1331] That's the role.

[1332] Even if I'm just fucking playing anybody.

[1333] What if you're already laying?

[1334] What if you're already laying?

[1335] And you're supposed to play the guy that's smoking cigarettes and you're the brother -in -law that's drunk all the time.

[1336] Then your job's to look that way.

[1337] Yeah, your jobs look that way.

[1338] Yeah, her jobs look like the hot woman that everybody wants to fuck.

[1339] If they're telling you you have to lose weight and you're a beautiful woman, it's because they want to make you more attractive.

[1340] It's not like discrimination.

[1341] There's a reason.

[1342] They want a better product.

[1343] Oh, they want to make money.

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] They want a better product.

[1346] And I'll tell you nothing, too.

[1347] Like, really, those both male and female, like those beautiful people at that level, it's like they're fucking aliens.

[1348] Like, I've done a couple of movies.

[1349] I did a movie one time, and I remember it was a scene.

[1350] We were in a car, and the star of the movie was holding onto the steering wheel.

[1351] And I was like, like, I never thought this ever about a woman.

[1352] I was like, her forearms are gorgeous.

[1353] I was looking at him, like, I was like, those forearms are perfect.

[1354] But I didn't make me, when I went to Stockholm, Sweden, how beautiful the people were there.

[1355] I was walking down the street pointing at guys with my wife going, Neil, look at that guy.

[1356] Look at that.

[1357] That fucking guy, like, he's like an accountant walking down the street.

[1358] He's like, doesn't he know if you fucking came over here, he'd be starring in movies.

[1359] And that's not all the Sweden, by the way.

[1360] That's like just when you're in Stockholm.

[1361] That's like they're Manhattan.

[1362] So all the beautiful fucking people.

[1363] But, I mean, I went to a couple, I went to this magazine and something like that when I was over there.

[1364] And the woman behind the counter was like a fucking 11 here.

[1365] But she was working at a magazine stand, so that was her energy.

[1366] Like, hey, how you do?

[1367] I'm working in a magazine stand.

[1368] My dream hasn't come true yet.

[1369] You're just looking at him like, you could sign with the, who was that big modeling agents?

[1370] Yeah, like that all, like Cindy Crawford and all them were with back in the day.

[1371] The Vikings.

[1372] It's Viking blood The best -looking people They went over there And raped and pillaged And all that good DNA is left there They caught the best women They kept them alive Killed everybody else Oh is that what happened?

[1373] Oh yeah I don't know what happened Vikings That's why they're so big Beautiful Oh yeah no they're super tall That's one of the funniest things Ever when you go over to like The what do they call those The Nordic And then Scandinavia is within the Nordic countries I always have to remind myself with that Like, you'd go over there.

[1374] It was the funniest fucking shit because they're so goddamn tall.

[1375] There would be kids almost my height whose voices hadn't changed yet, and they had the mentality of like an 11 -year -old.

[1376] They'd be like, no, they were speaking that.

[1377] I said, how's it, he'd changed it, how they were talking?

[1378] Their voice hadn't changed yet.

[1379] And I was just sitting there laughing my ass off going.

[1380] These are like fucking, yeah, everybody was like 6 -3, 6 -4, 6 -5, like rail thin with their fucking chival.

[1381] European pants.

[1382] I'm actually going over there coming.

[1383] Stockholm next year, but I'm going over Europe.

[1384] I got that, I got to run a 10 days over there.

[1385] Yeah, I saw you're doing a European tour.

[1386] When you do that.

[1387] I'm doing three legs of it.

[1388] Three legs.

[1389] So you do three separate trips?

[1390] Of 10 days.

[1391] Wow.

[1392] Yeah, just because I, you'll bring the family.

[1393] Do you just go solo?

[1394] I'm going to bring the family on one of them.

[1395] And then the other ones, I'm only gone for a little over week, which is a really long time when you have a kid.

[1396] And it's not something that I look forward to doing now, but it's something that it's also gives my kid a great life.

[1397] So that's how I justify it.

[1398] So then I also had to move some shit around to work less in other areas.

[1399] That's a good balance.

[1400] I'm glad you approach it that way.

[1401] You know, I have friends that don't.

[1402] They, you know, they're on the road all the time and they have kids.

[1403] And, you know, their idea is that this is what I got to do to make a living.

[1404] I'm like, I guess so.

[1405] But, you know, 30 days in a row.

[1406] It's kind of crazy.

[1407] I put my kid down for a nap and, like, I'll be downstairs for like 20 minutes.

[1408] I look at my wife.

[1409] I'm like, dude, I miss her.

[1410] It's just, it's so quiet.

[1411] She's hilarious.

[1412] She's hilarious.

[1413] So it's just like, you know, yeah, and she's an unbelievable sense of humor.

[1414] And, yeah.

[1415] I knew you would love it.

[1416] I knew you'd love you to a parent.

[1417] Yeah, and I always wanted to be and I just was afraid of commitment and all that shit.

[1418] So I waited, I waited too long.

[1419] I did wait too long.

[1420] So, which is why I'm going to take a fucking sauna with you at the end of this.

[1421] Yeah, we'll take a sauna now.

[1422] Yeah.

[1423] And I want to learn all, and, you know, gee, it would really be great if there was a company out there that could somehow let me know I could get a sauna in my house.

[1424] Well, sauna people out there.

[1425] I was working with a guy.

[1426] Do you get a white snake take?

[1427] I can get a fucking.

[1428] We'll get a sauna?

[1429] Sona companies contact both of us, okay, because I was in contact with a guy to do something in my fucking house and this asshole dropped the ball and is not returning emails anymore.

[1430] so I need a new sauna company too I call me a lot of free advertising I'm like where's the fucking sauna Does the sauna guy get back to us?

[1431] No he hasn't got back to us I'm like it's fucking two weeks Should we get back to him again I twice got back to this guy Like trying to get the fucking sauna installed in the house I love all those guys though They're like comedians like they don't want a real job Contractors?

[1432] Oh yeah The gate guy The sauna guy The this guy that guy They all got their little fucking Then the handymen guys Yeah Wow I grew up up with those guys because my dad was an architect so I did construction from the time I was in high school all throughout the summer I was always doing side jobs I always had jobs on construction sites as a laborer or carpenter's assistance I was always around those guys I tried to do that I lasted eight days I just with my fucking fair skin we were doing roofing in July and it was just I just remember I my job was I was putting in the scaffold and going around you know when you you fucking drill the hole then you put the triangle thing and then you fucking put the bowl on and this Irish guy kept going Billy you must work quicker you must work quickly is what he kept saying to me and I finally stuck my head out the side of the house I was like dude I've done this for three days if you want me to fucking go quicker you know we would like literally three stories up and he finally shut the fuck up he must be a non -union guy oh yeah dude I remember there was a fucking guy on the site I swear to God he wore the same fucking jeans every day with like no underwear right and it had a fucking giant fucking hole right here on his thigh so I'm in fucking working in the house and I just remember he stepped over something with his left leg in the whole fucking hole moved right just like flashed his fucking junk I was just like and I did not stand up to people and plus I was the new guy on the thing and I just wanted to be like buddy how about you put on some fucking boxers or something so I don't got to look at your fucking junk first of all he's walking around with like a goddamn nail gun not like boxers could stop that, but any extra layer of clothing that you could have, this guy's literally like his fucking shit, you know, like an owl looking out of a tree.

[1433] And yet it's burned into my head.

[1434] I could pick his junk out of a lineup.

[1435] That was the first time I ever encountered alcoholics.

[1436] I didn't really know about alcoholics until I started working on job sites.

[1437] And I realized there was guys that just had a drink.

[1438] They would drink at lunch.

[1439] They were just drinking all the time.

[1440] They were always trying to quit.

[1441] I remember one guy who was like, I'm quit.

[1442] and I'm done.

[1443] And I remember thinking, that's good.

[1444] You're getting your shit together.

[1445] You know, I was like 15.

[1446] I was like, oh, that's awesome.

[1447] Yeah.

[1448] Two weeks later.

[1449] Fucking can of beer on the job.

[1450] I was like, oh.

[1451] I just remember I could, yeah, I couldn't eat enough.

[1452] I was always hungry.

[1453] I would pack two sandwiches, three sandwiches.

[1454] And you did just like, like you were at the, I was eating content.

[1455] Yeah.

[1456] That's what people used to do.

[1457] No, those were like, like those guys, I mean, I would come home like, it was like I went to football practice.

[1458] It was just, it just, it just, you.

[1459] If I stuck around for another month, I could have got in construction worker shape.

[1460] But I just sucked at it.

[1461] I just didn't have it.

[1462] And that was one of the things, how I was able to figure out what I was good at was one of my best attributes.

[1463] I knew when I sucked at something.

[1464] Like, take playing drums and I wanted to be in a band and anything.

[1465] I just went to too many music stores and I'd see some seven -year -old kid and just him starting to play or picking up a guitar.

[1466] I just knew it.

[1467] I was just like, I don't have that.

[1468] I don't have that gift, you know?

[1469] Even if I played better than just the ideas that they were already coming up with.

[1470] Speaking of what, dude, I should have called you the other day.

[1471] I saw Dave Navarro does this thing with this band Royal Machines.

[1472] It's like this, they just do this Christmas show every year.

[1473] And I went with Ben Bailey the other night at the L. Ray, dude, what a fucking show these guys put on.

[1474] Like Sebastian Bach came out and sang, highway to hell.

[1475] Wow.

[1476] Fucking murdered.

[1477] Dude, Juliet Lewis, you know, from fucking American, what I'm going to, uh, what, uh, what the fuck was that one with all the edits the serial killer movie with woody harrison yeah what the fuck was that natural born killers although you know all of those fucking movies dude you know some people like i'm a comedian who happens to play drums dude she's a fucking rock star who happens to act really dude oh my god really oh my god she was so ridiculous i was just laughing how fucking amazing she was she sang like van halen ain't talking about love and then she's saying dirty deeds and it was all just in the wheelhouse of shit that I listened to and I want to say she did one more and then in the end she did like a fucking forward somersault into the fucking crowd whoa it was just fucking is there video this um I don't know I was I was you know the band was so fucking good and then the drummers they had that was Josh Fries Chad Smith and Brad Wilk like so you know if you're into drums that's uh Josh Fries is fucking played with everybody, literally everybody.

[1478] Brad Wilk was in rage against the machine and Chatsmouth is in the chili peppers and those guys were just fucking destroying and who they had Steve Stevens from Billy Idol's band was out there.

[1479] All these fucking guys.

[1480] It's just like, yeah, if you get a chance, they were kind of talking like it was the last year they were going to do it.

[1481] I hope it isn't.

[1482] But Mark McGrath also was there who was fucking hilarious.

[1483] He's sort of like the like, you know, he sings the song's great, but he's also like sort of the MC slash comedian.

[1484] He's a really, really naturally, like, funny guy.

[1485] Like, I was there with another comedian.

[1486] He was cracking us up.

[1487] He went on to be like an entertainment reporter, right?

[1488] Yeah, well, the thing about him is he's like, he was, I feel like he was always, like, self -deprecating.

[1489] Yeah.

[1490] Like, he was writing hit songs.

[1491] Like, who the fuck can do that?

[1492] And he, like, named an album, like, 14 -59, like, making fun, like, my 15 minutes are almost, up like he was like roasting himself while he was just writing one hit after another after another and I've gotten to meet him a couple times he's like one of the fucking great people that I've met in this business I've heard that I've heard nothing but nice things yeah dude and he's a fucking riot he's a fucking riot yeah so if you get you see guys like that and you go why don't you just do stand -up why do you want to work these fucking gigs working for e -intertainment television pretending you give a shit about some stupid sitcom just go do some well because well how much of a chance would people give him because like oh you're the sugar ray guy I mean he probably got enough shit you know trying like he's just one of those really like just talented guys oh there's a video of this yeah I finally found give you some volume just I'm doing rage yeah that was funny shit man wow look this so there's Navarro that's I think that's Brad Wilk on drums whatever but he was making fun of himself before he came out there because I forget who he was following.

[1493] Oh, that's awesome.

[1494] He's going like, I know, I know.

[1495] Now you've got to listen to the douche from Sugar Rain.

[1496] So he just totally makes fun of himself.

[1497] But then what I love is then he goes up and he fucking murders it.

[1498] Wow.

[1499] So it's just kind of like, ah, like he just reminded me of like a comedian or whatever.

[1500] Did you get to hang out with Juliette Lewis?

[1501] No, I have before.

[1502] She's cool as shit.

[1503] I want to meet her.

[1504] Oh, she's cool as shit, too.

[1505] We've gone back and forth online together.

[1506] I was trying to get her on the podcast a few years ago.

[1507] go and I dropped the ball.

[1508] Oh, all right.

[1509] I was always worried that people like that would worry that I just want to harp on Scientology.

[1510] Because she, you know, she's like a crazy Scientologist.

[1511] I know.

[1512] I grew up Catholic, what the fuck they did?

[1513] And still doing.

[1514] Yeah.

[1515] No, listen, I hear you.

[1516] But I think she's still active to get sensitive about that shit.

[1517] I was thinking of going back to church.

[1518] Really?

[1519] Yeah.

[1520] Just in my own way.

[1521] How are you going to do it?

[1522] I'm going to go, but I'm not going to listen to anything.

[1523] And I'll stand up and sit down.

[1524] You're going to get mad if they use certain inflections?

[1525] No, but I'm just going to kind of go there.

[1526] It's just a place, I don't know.

[1527] I went last year with my mother -in -law because she goes every weekend when I went for Christmas Mass, and they had like this New Orleans band.

[1528] And I was like, dude, if they had this every fucking week because the band sounded great, I would go.

[1529] But like, I did.

[1530] It just sort of reminded me of like I used to be a better person.

[1531] I wasn't so jaded I used to go every fucking week You think you're jaded from not going to church Or just I think you're jaded Just from knowing too much Yeah and just You know No it's just certain things Just get out of control You know what it is When you become an adult You have to be your own parent Which is weird Like hey Bill it's time to go to bed Hey Bill lay off the booze And just the You know And just certain things just kind of get out of whack You know It's almost like the mixer of your life, you know, something's up too high or too low.

[1532] And I just felt like going there reminded me, you know, it was like a nice reminder for the week.

[1533] Like, hey, you know, how about you not be a cunt for the next couple of days?

[1534] That's what I get out of it.

[1535] I don't get like, you know, this guy walked on water and, you know, this is the right thing.

[1536] You know, if you believe this, you're going to heaven.

[1537] And if, you know, if somebody believes something else, they're going to hell.

[1538] Like, all of that stuff is just silly.

[1539] That's the way you put it is a good way of putting it, that you have to be your own.

[1540] parent when you become an adult.

[1541] That's a great way of putting it.

[1542] Because one of the things that you get from, whether it's God or any kind of spirituality, is you get this idea that something's bigger than you.

[1543] Something's higher than you.

[1544] There's a higher purpose.

[1545] And you think about that instead of being selfish and just thinking about yourself.

[1546] That's what it is.

[1547] You can get like, you know, being a comic not selling tickets is one of the most humbling things ever.

[1548] And then once you start selling tickets, you know, you can kind of, you can kind of float away a little bit and just like, you know, like all the fucking bullshit that you had to go through, you know, finding a flight you can afford and how am I, you know, what fucking dirty cat haired car are they going to pull up in to take me to the comedy condo?

[1549] There was always cat hair, right?

[1550] And then all of that goes away.

[1551] And then, you know, you just have this free time.

[1552] Right.

[1553] And like, what are you going to do with it?

[1554] And this free time and this privilege that you have.

[1555] And you can really go Roman Empire with it and fucking, can eat and drink and smoke and be a, you know, and just be a jerk.

[1556] Or you can, you know, you can, I don't know, still be who the fuck, be as much as who you were or whatever, or try to help somebody out.

[1557] I just, that's what it makes me think of when I went.

[1558] Like I was, because I got so caught up and like, this is bullshit.

[1559] That never happened.

[1560] They made that up.

[1561] This is just people writing this book.

[1562] And I went totally the other way.

[1563] So now I'm coming in the middle.

[1564] Like, there's a reason why people do this beyond.

[1565] trying to control people and make money and power and all that there is there is something to it so there's a benefit for the people that are yes yeah yes so uh that's kind of what i think i was going there it's humbling it's kind of like when i left l -a and i'm like i'm never fucking living here again and then i start going back and i felt it pulling me back like hey you know this isn't that bad i'm like uh fuck i kind of like it so i went back to church with my mother -in -law and i was sitting there going like there's an aspect of this that i like the sense of community.

[1566] Yes.

[1567] You know, I didn't mind the little pep talk that the guy gives or whatever.

[1568] It would be nice if I didn't think, if I wasn't suspicious of them.

[1569] The problem with church is the problem with anybody that gets in any sort of a position of power.

[1570] It's easy to abuse it.

[1571] So to have a guy who's a pastor that's not a creep and that really cares and is really a good person and really wants to care about the community and really wants everybody to do better and get better with life.

[1572] but isn't trying to buy a fucking Rolls -Royce like Joel Olstein and live in a giant mansion.

[1573] It's like it always goes...

[1574] Mega church.

[1575] Yeah, it always goes south.

[1576] It's absolute power.

[1577] You know what I do love about Joel Osteen is he's an arena act?

[1578] Yeah, he is.

[1579] As a preacher, he bought the old place, the old arena where the Houston Rockets used to play.

[1580] He bought it.

[1581] Yeah, that's how much money that guy has.

[1582] And then he fills it up.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] Well, that was when the hurricane came.

[1585] People criticized him because he didn't open up his doors to all the folks.

[1586] who were displaced from their homes.

[1587] I was teasing them about that.

[1588] It's like, you saw that electric blue carpet he put on it?

[1589] He didn't want you all you fucking guys getting it all wet.

[1590] Electric blue?

[1591] No, he does.

[1592] He has his sick ass.

[1593] Look at that place.

[1594] Oh, maybe it's the curtain that I thought.

[1595] I mean, look at that.

[1596] That's the size of that fucking place.

[1597] Holy shit.

[1598] Yeah, that looks like a dice clay special.

[1599] And all those people are thrown down.

[1600] All those people are paying to be there.

[1601] That guy is making.

[1602] I want to get somebody out there scalping tickets.

[1603] I got two by the altar.

[1604] There's two ways of looking at it, right?

[1605] One is he's getting all those people together, and there's a sense of community amongst all of them.

[1606] And two is that guy's making a fuck load of money, and he's got so much power.

[1607] You know, you got all those people just at your...

[1608] But it doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad...

[1609] Doesn't necessarily mean that.

[1610] He's like, what can you do with it?

[1611] Which is getting...

[1612] The reason why I'm thinking of, you know, stopping in every once in a while...

[1613] Just got to find a good spot.

[1614] Like, they were doing that rock and roll church thing for a while.

[1615] There was a, I remember one of my friends who was a producer, his assistant was, she was lost.

[1616] She, I think she, I want to say she, spiritually, or she couldn't find the church?

[1617] She was lost in a lot of ways, but she was doing this.

[1618] What's going on, Jamie?

[1619] Oh, fuck.

[1620] It gets for a show.

[1621] What?

[1622] $4 ,950 for a ticket.

[1623] Dude, do you want to go?

[1624] What the fuck?

[1625] Yeah, we could do that.

[1626] No, not $4 ,000, it's $400.

[1627] No, no, no, $4 ,000, $950.

[1628] Two tickets.

[1629] For two tickets.

[1630] $5 ,000.

[1631] Where?

[1632] Section, $4.

[1633] Four?

[1634] Ro D. Dude, four grand.

[1635] I want that guy fucking...

[1636] That's not even...

[1637] I catch the handkerchief when he's done fucking preaching.

[1638] How much I get for row two or section two?

[1639] They're not available.

[1640] Not available.

[1641] Sold out?

[1642] These are resale tickets too.

[1643] You know what it is, man?

[1644] They got fucking season passes.

[1645] People probably buy season passes for Joe Olstein.

[1646] This is his tour.

[1647] This is for this Florida stop.

[1648] Well, I saw there was a place that I was at that he was coming to.

[1649] One of the big spots I was at, he does these arena tours.

[1650] and he does Vegas too he does the fucking T -Mobile Arena in Vegas I want to see the show He's a giant -ass picture of them up there Does his eyes open or no Smiling and shit It's crazy It's a lot of money that guy's making I used to say he's so full of shit He can't look at the crowd That's why his eyes are like Are they still here?

[1651] Are they still believing this shit?

[1652] Yeah when you're lying eye contact is the toughest fucking thing ever Whatever he's making people feel good He's making his fuck He's in show business I want to see the show, though.

[1653] He's in the God show business.

[1654] You have to respect an arena act, I think.

[1655] I think there's something to that.

[1656] Yeah, there's something to that.

[1657] It's this girl that I was talking about, she was real lost.

[1658] And I think she was Jewish or maybe she converted to Judaism later.

[1659] But anyway, for one point in time, she was going to this rock and roll church.

[1660] She was like, she was a sweet kid.

[1661] She was like, you should go.

[1662] You would really like it.

[1663] I guarantee I wouldn't like it.

[1664] I'm like, some young, hip guy, probably sing songs, probably tries to fuck women.

[1665] like get out of here with that right it's like a yoga class it's like david caresh right that's how waco got started how did it get started it got started with one guy with a guitar and he brought that message of jesus and he had some really profound things to say and people really it really helped them feel better it resonated with them then he started banging people's wives and that's what happens yeah it always happens that way well those rock and roll alternative churches there's a few like the justin beber guy you know the guy that uh justin bieber has he's the one of told justin to get off the road.

[1666] Get off the road, Justin.

[1667] Come back home to Jesus.

[1668] Like, he gets these guys to do that.

[1669] Like, did he get a basketball player to stop playing basketball too?

[1670] No, not play.

[1671] Wait, no, no, no, no, no. That guy's not doing the road anymore?

[1672] Oh, he goes back and forth.

[1673] I mean, you know, it took a little time off.

[1674] Oh, that's all right.

[1675] He canceled his tour or something at the end of his tour.

[1676] Cancel his tour because the preacher told him it's...

[1677] Well, maybe he's right, though.

[1678] Let's be honest.

[1679] First of all, Bieber probably has a fucking billion dollars in the bank.

[1680] And maybe he was frayed around the edges as losing his fucking marble.

[1681] The kid's 21 years old.

[1682] He's about as famous as a human being could possibly be.

[1683] Is he only 21?

[1684] Yeah, he's young.

[1685] There's the preacher.

[1686] Look at, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1687] Whoa!

[1688] Yeah.

[1689] What the fucking dick root?

[1690] Preach.

[1691] Hold up.

[1692] What's going on with his fucking shorts?

[1693] Bro!

[1694] No!

[1695] No, no, no, no, no. Any guy who's showing dick root, you know what I mean?

[1696] Like the base of your cock.

[1697] You're pulling your shorts down to base your cock like that.

[1698] You're doing that because you're trying to get laid.

[1699] Stop.

[1700] pull your fucking shorts up to a normal height those things should be five inches higher I know what you're doing your cock is slapping against your thing you probably don't even have underwear on you fucking creep Jesus does not want you dressing like that no and look at him he's got abs big old handsome guy he probably dicks chicks down for the Lord right dicks dicks him down for Jesus look at him big old handsome charismatic guy dicking him down for Jesus?

[1701] Apparently, he's a very good, he's always getting, hanging with Oprah.

[1702] So you know he's legit.

[1703] They're all in the same business.

[1704] They're selling hope.

[1705] Yeah, selling hope and joy.

[1706] Hope and joy.

[1707] Hey, maybe he's good at it.

[1708] You know, maybe he's got something.

[1709] Maybe he helps people.

[1710] I'm suspicious.

[1711] I'm suspicious because of his shorts.

[1712] Just that alone.

[1713] That should be on the wall all over his church.

[1714] This is me at my worst.

[1715] Well, the worst thing you do is an adult is to go out and try and find parents again.

[1716] That's the quickest way to end up in the trunk of somebody's fucking car.

[1717] Find someone to take care of you?

[1718] Yeah, well, you just, if you, I didn't see that your parents didn't pay attention to you or overly coddled you, I think then you go out and you start looking for a mom and a dad, a mom and a dad, and you just give away all this fucking power.

[1719] You can never give power away to someone who shows dick root.

[1720] When they pull their shorts down to the base of their cock like that, like as far as you can legally get your shorts down without.

[1721] showing your dicks as long as the pubes are trimmed i don't think there's anything it's okay it's all right that's interesting right he's got it he's got a tan it would be a problem because he's got a chaos down there and he pulled it out you could see the chaos like basically that's that's there's a lot of pubs that you could see right there you could see a lot of pubs but if you did it would be a real issue isn't that interesting the same exact area is okay if you're only seeing skin but if you saw pubs right there you'd be like hey man what in the fuck what are you doing that is so not acceptable in public that like that is uh that's almost like the male version of a thong like if a guy could wear a thong but it might be worse but it's funny though at least if you have a thong on you're just a freak like i'm a freak i know i gotta be honest naked guy always funny it's pretty funny naked guy funny it depends on the situation well if you're alone and somebody jumped out of a bush i mean that's fucking that's not a funny naked guy but it went back in the day when streaking that's right when a guy would jump out and run across a football field I mean it was the funniest it was just the funniest fucking thing ever they would tackle the guy they always had a silly hat and they would just start fucking running across you know what always get me the feet I would tense up when I'd see them tackle him because I would think about his dick his raw dick smashing into the dirt I saw a guy I saw a guy when I was at Boston University Terriers game they don't even play soccer anymore.

[1722] Nickerson Field and my godfather took me to the game and we were sitting there and this fucking all he had was a bandana on and he was streaking across the field and we were fucking crying laughing and security was chasing and was really fast he had a bandana and like these fucking like you know Adidas dragons you know it was way back of the day right fucking ran across and he tried to jump over this fucking concrete thing and he didn't land with his junk it was his inner thigh on the other one, I was just like, oh, he got over, and as far as I know, he got away, but I mean, dude, it was just, it wasn't even like, it wasn't nice concrete.

[1723] It was that rough, unfinished shit, and he tried to hurdle it, and he got, he got his junk, he got everything over, and it was that other leg, nice fucking raspberry.

[1724] It's amazing how vulnerable you dick is, your dick and balls.

[1725] Just a simple, simple trip with no pants on, and slam down on your dick.

[1726] You're just in horrible agony.

[1727] You would think there'd be some sort of junk rib cage, you know, to try and protect it, but it just...

[1728] Some sort of turtle shell.

[1729] No, it isn't.

[1730] It's just fucking...

[1731] Just out there.

[1732] Just out there.

[1733] Yeah, it's a terrible design.

[1734] And that's why...

[1735] Well, the function is, I mean, it has to go in, you know, in case you didn't notice, in case you haven't been using your dick, you know what it's for.

[1736] So something has got, something's got to be vulnerable, you know?

[1737] It's like the death star.

[1738] Because the temperature, that's what it's for.

[1739] Temperature, your body heats up too much, it kills your sperm.

[1740] So if your balls were internal and you were running around exercising, you would cook all your sperm.

[1741] So their balls are hanging low on the outside.

[1742] Oh, well, why can't it go, like, in and out like one of those electric antennas?

[1743] Maybe in the future it will.

[1744] Yeah.

[1745] Comes in, it goes out.

[1746] Yeah.

[1747] People keep evolving, and you find a way to suck it up into your body.

[1748] That was the thing that we'd always hear about Waitchiru guys.

[1749] Weecheru is a very particular hard style karate.

[1750] and guys would literally get kicked in the balls.

[1751] They would kick each other in the balls.

[1752] And the idea was that under some dubious instructors, the idea was that these guys could actually suck their testicles up into their body.

[1753] Like they would train to pull their testicles up into their body.

[1754] And one day I talked to a doctor and he's like, that's not possible.

[1755] No, it is?

[1756] I'm like, no. But they think they can.

[1757] But there's some guys can develop the ability to take a shot to the nuts.

[1758] Like there's been studies done on it.

[1759] There was one of those sports science shows where these guys, They measured, like, the amount of force that a guy is throwing at this guy's dick when he punts him in the dick.

[1760] And the guy's standing there like this.

[1761] And he lets people just fucking straight up punt him right in the balls.

[1762] And he can take it.

[1763] Doesn't it affect his, you know, if he wants to be a dad?

[1764] It's definitely not good.

[1765] There's a trick to it.

[1766] There's certainly a trick.

[1767] The trick would be that even though you are definitely making contact with the balls, really most of the force is in the taint and the back of the ass.

[1768] Because as, you know, you're kicking.

[1769] at somebody, right?

[1770] Your foot extends past where your shin is, right?

[1771] Your shin is here, your foot is here so if your foot is slamming into the guy's ass and taint, it's really not a lot of him.

[1772] I have.

[1773] I've been kicked in the balls at least a hundred times hard by grown men who know how to kick.

[1774] By black belts.

[1775] I've been kicked in the balls so many times.

[1776] Because when you're sparring, you get kicked in the balls all the time.

[1777] I mean, all the time.

[1778] You probably just get used to the paint.

[1779] I thought, before I had kids, I thought, my fucking balls are probably totally useless.

[1780] I'm like, I'm shooting blanks for sure.

[1781] I just thought of all the times have been slammed into the balls.

[1782] I mean, I've had, I've worn every fucking cup there is, especially back when I was competing.

[1783] They didn't, like, now they have some pretty sophisticated cups with, like, Diamond MMA as this cup that's got a compression short and it sucks down into you and it's really hard rubber on the outside.

[1784] And you can actually take a good shot to the balls and it's not going to kill you.

[1785] But back when I was doing it, you would get those jocks who would just be a cup that fits in a jock strap and you pull them up and then eventually they made some for martial arts where it just curved under a little bit more and the cup went back to your taint and the downside of that was there was a lot of abrasiveness when you were throwing kicks it was like rub against your inner thigh and there was no compression shorts back then either but I I'm absolutely been I could fucking bet everything I have I've been kicked in the balls a hundred times no question about it they should take like a fucking you know like they do like a mold they should do a mold of your junk and make a custom they should remember that group you used to do like a mold of like all the rock stars dicks oh yeah that's right yeah like a fleshlight for porn stars yeah so they would so it fits secure yeah I don't know you got a gross look on your face I don't know, I just, yeah, I get, I get weirded out by, yeah, I get weirded out by that shit.

[1786] Fleshlights?

[1787] Yeah, like, once there's the non -human element in, like, hey, you, you want to fuck this thing that isn't alive?

[1788] There's just something like, you know, yeah, that's just fucking, this is my asshole.

[1789] This is my asshole.

[1790] It's a rubber version of my asshole.

[1791] I, yeah, I always, yeah, like when you, back in the day, when you had wanted to get porn, you had to go into a store, I just, that stuff always, it just seems serious.

[1792] real killer like body part type humanizing yeah it's very effective though the fleshlight was a sponsor for a while in the early early days yeah those things were great I don't I stopped using them though even though like uh I think you're trying to buy it I had to try it after a while you did it for your listeners oh yeah that's it only for the listeners it's very effective okay do you know about this what's that it's called a jankle what oh Jesus Christ I mean it's a foot how do you how do you not like become like how does that not do brain damage to fuck that oh Jesus that's so disgusting can you think it's bad getting caught jerking off can you imagine if you're slamming this foot into your fucking first of all it looks real enough that you fucking killed somebody and now you're fucking oh my god you can fuck a whole leg that is crazy how realistic that looks it looks like she's hanging from the ceiling dude this she even has like the skin of her heel looks like it's kind of mushy a little bit right like it's moving around because I want to this site might get a little weirder too so you can build your own mannequin here okay so let's just get the fuck out of here yeah we are uh you're like what do I'm in synthetics that's what that's called synthetics oh yeah you make like parachutes and stuff Yeah, something like that.

[1793] Something.

[1794] Something.

[1795] Something like that.

[1796] What is it about feet?

[1797] You ever want to fucking elbow?

[1798] If you do, here's my business card.

[1799] Um, I don't know.

[1800] That's when, I think you buy that and a few weeks later you buy a giant freezer.

[1801] Just think you're going down that road, man. Yeah, it ain't good.

[1802] That's not good.

[1803] Which I honestly think, like, there's so many people.

[1804] people that had tendencies that never when you're just living in log cabins and shit like you just never were able to explore and i feel like the same way you know i can watch all these people building cars and stuff or you can tap into some dark shit about yourself and uh you know the thing opens the coffin lid and sits up and then that's in your fucking personality now it's it's a very it's a very uh i don't know i i try to stay away from shit like that well it's Especially if you're a kid that's been abused.

[1805] I think that's the real trigger.

[1806] Real trigger is kids that get abused, they get abused young, and then they develop this anger, this hatred.

[1807] And then as they get older, then they find these weird outlets.

[1808] And then they pursue them.

[1809] Yep.

[1810] Yeah.

[1811] I can attest to a lot of that.

[1812] Basically describe my fucking life.

[1813] So anyways, we're going to fucking...

[1814] Let's go get in the sauna.

[1815] Let's do it.

[1816] We'll wrap this up.

[1817] Ladies and gentlemen.

[1818] Jesus Christ.

[1819] Not only looking at your fucking foot When I'm in there F is for family Yes please show me something else So I get that out of my fucking benefit Yeah Prodicee O 'Neal Comedy Benefit February 19th An amazing lineup For the greatest live comic I ever fucking saw Big J. O 'Cerson Chris Red, Cipher Sounds Gary Goldman Jim Gaffigan Michelle Wolf Rich Voss and other people that will.

[1820] I'll try to talk Joe into flying out there for it in the sauna when he gets fucking delirious enough.

[1821] Hell of a show.

[1822] One of these years.

[1823] One of these years we've got to get you out there.

[1824] I'll be happy to.

[1825] And then F is for family?

[1826] Season three.

[1827] Season three.

[1828] Streaming now on Netflix.

[1829] Streaming now.

[1830] God damn.

[1831] All right.

[1832] Thanks everybody.

[1833] Thank you, Joe.

[1834] Bye.