Have An Unmotivated, Frustrated Child Who Feels Dumb?

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[24] So do you have a child who ever says, I'm dumb, I'm stupid?

[25] that can come from a lot of different places.

[26] It come from shame and embarrassment.

[27] It can come from a strong will child who's been in trouble since he came out of the womb.

[28] It can come from a child who feels less than maybe his siblings.

[29] But it also comes sometimes from kids who don't feel like they're smart enough that they feel less than other kids in school.

[30] And a common question that we get is, you know, my child is shut down in school because he feels overwhelmed and ashamed or embarrassed that he's not as smart as the other kids.

[31] I don't even know how to approach this topic anymore without reinforcing the feeling that my child has inside that something is wrong with him.

[32] Can you relate to that?

[33] Because I know we can because our son Casey struggled with that immensely.

[34] And that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[35] So welcome.

[36] I want you to reach out if you're struggling to our son Casey because this was who he was and this was part of his childhood until we finally learned how to give him tools and give him perspective.

[37] And I'm going to share a script that we used with him because he struggled.

[38] He is 28 now.

[39] He is a very bright young man who reads really interesting, difficult books that I won't even try to read because I struggle with comprehension and because he's actually really bright.

[40] But when he was in school, he didn't feel that way at all.

[41] So I encourage him, you, well, reach out to Casey, C -A -E -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[42] If you need anything, tell us about your family.

[43] We will reply with hopefully some helpful tips and strategies, some insight that will help you.

[44] We can put together resources for you within your budget to help you with these things.

[45] So here's the question.

[46] It's coming up a lot.

[47] I'm getting it on phone consultations.

[48] I'm getting this on our boot camps.

[49] We just announced we're doing some parent boot camps.

[50] And so people are signing up and then I do an intake form and I ask them like tell me what you're struggling with because I want to address your specific issues in person we've got six hours and I want to get into this in very deep ways right a quick side note I got an email from a parent today about well my son is being very aggressive with his sibling and I said based on what I hear from you I don't think it's a sibling issue I think it's coming from an angry child a frustrated child who is taking that things out on his brother or sister so it's not the sibling issue that's causing the problem just like much of the defiance in your home isn't just because you have a defiant child it's because you have an angry or frustrated child and out of that anger and frustration comes outward behavior that is disrespectful and defiant and aggressive and so And some of your kids, it is very much related to sensory issues.

[51] So what I like to do when I'm working with families, whether it's the boot camp or phone consultations or just ordering our materials and doing follow -up questions, is what's the root of it?

[52] What's really going on here?

[53] Because everybody wants to slap a con, well, what consequence will we give him so he stops doing that?

[54] Well, a consequence won't work if you're giving a consequence for an outward behavior that has nothing really to do with what's going on inside.

[55] See, it's what we do in all of our relationships.

[56] It's like we'd slap a Band -Aid on the outside instead of digging in and saying, what do you think the root of that is?

[57] Because once you get to the root of it, whether it's frustration or anxiety, then you solve the problem and you give the child tools.

[58] And now you're not talking about consequences for failure.

[59] You're talking about giving a child tools to succeed to learn how to deal with that anxiety or frustration or anger.

[60] I hope that makes sense.

[61] So here's what I would encourage you to tell your child either in person or through a written note.

[62] I like written notes because the child can kind of soak up what you're saying.

[63] They can read it again and again without having to respond to it without responding immediately.

[64] And also they don't have to listen to your annoying parent voice.

[65] Look, this is going to be a little bit long.

[66] So I encourage you not to sit down and say, son, daughter, we need to have a talk.

[67] about how your brain works.

[68] No, let this start to come out naturally in everyday life.

[69] Parts of it come out here and parts of it come out at another time.

[70] Don't force it.

[71] Just start to talk to your kids in the course of everyday life because discipline means to teach.

[72] You're just educating them about life and how things work.

[73] And I like very much the idea of just giving kids perspective.

[74] Look, I've lived a long time.

[75] Here's what I've noticed in life.

[76] And usually as kids get older and I give them perspective and context, they come to the right conclusions without me trying to lecture and force them to listen and force them to agree with me and try to convince them.

[77] I lay it out for them and then I give them some space to process it.

[78] So do this like that.

[79] I'm going to go through kind of the whole dialogue, the whole script.

[80] And if you get our newsletter, I will post this in our newsletter this week.

[81] so you sign up for that, celebrate calm .com.

[82] So here's what I would tell your child.

[83] Caleb, whatever your child's name is, I think I know why you're struggling in school.

[84] It's not because you aren't trying your best or applying yourself.

[85] So I apologize for misjudging your motives.

[86] Parents side note, I would begin there.

[87] Please stop saying things like that.

[88] Well, if you would just apply yourself, if you would try your best, do your best at everything, Because nobody does, and it is filled with anxiety, and that will cause your kids to become extremely angry and stop listening to you.

[89] So apologize for doing that, because that's all about your own anxiety and your own control issues.

[90] The truth is, son or daughter, you're just going to struggle in school.

[91] Because think what school does.

[92] It pretty much exposes all of your natural weaknesses, right, the things that you're just not naturally good at without rewarding or using your natural strength.

[93] Look, another aside here.

[94] I want to explain while I go through because you can give some more color to this.

[95] Think about that with school with most of our kids.

[96] What aren't they good at?

[97] Well, sitting perfectly still, listening to auditory instructions, memorizing information for a test that then you forget, socially getting along with their peers, often struggle with that.

[98] And school doesn't reward their natural strengths because many of your kids are amazing builders, artists.

[99] They're creative.

[100] They can take things apart.

[101] They're born entrepreneurs.

[102] Right.

[103] Some of your kids are very athletic.

[104] They're very sensory.

[105] Right.

[106] They're leaders.

[107] All these other traits and things that your kids can do like build a robot from scratch.

[108] You don't get a grade from that for that.

[109] Right.

[110] And that begins to skew how they see themselves.

[111] So the truth is you're just going to struggle in school, right?

[112] Because it's just going to expose your weaknesses but it doesn't reward all the good things but you're going to have you're going to have great advantages in the real world see you have this brain it's always amazed me it's so full of energy and ideas and it's buzzing with thoughts and I bet sometimes it feels like socks tumbling through a washer and dryer and I've misunderstood how your brain works see there's nothing wrong with you and there's absolutely nothing wrong with how your brain works See, you process information more slowly, but more deeply.

[113] See, there's always a corresponding strength to every weakness and a corresponding weakness to every strength.

[114] And every human being on the planet has both.

[115] So when you're taking a test or trying to write an essay, you probably process your thoughts more slowly.

[116] But see, that makes you feel like you're dumb or stupid, but you're not.

[117] See, in fact, your ideas are usually more advanced than other kids' ideas.

[118] Have you ever noticed that you get along better with older kids and adults?

[119] That other adults seeing you, they call you like an old soul, that they're always telling you and me how great you are and how responsible and grown up you are.

[120] Have you ever noticed that you tend to like doing more grown -up activities than kid chores?

[121] See, that's because you're more advanced in your thinking, But that requires a deeper processor of information, and that means sometimes you go more slowly.

[122] See, in the real world, you don't take tests.

[123] You have to just think, and you're a great thinker.

[124] And you feel things deeply, like artists and musicians and philosophers, and that's a huge advantage in the real world.

[125] See, you also struggle with short -term memory.

[126] Now, the bad news is that school success requires.

[127] requires good short -term memory to memorize information for a test, and then usually forget it.

[128] And you know inherently, that's not a good way to measure intelligence.

[129] So you'll probably struggle with that.

[130] And that's okay because we can develop tools to help improve your memory and your processing, like using music, movement, chewing gum, while you're studying and writing essays.

[131] I can help you with that.

[132] The really good news is that after you're out of school, you don't have to memorize facts.

[133] ever again.

[134] There are no timed tests in the real world.

[135] See, in the real world, you get paid to be a good critical thinker who knows how to see patterns, how to analyze information, and then present your ideas persuasively.

[136] See, you excel at that.

[137] That's why you're so good at arguing with us.

[138] Is that because you're difficult?

[139] It's because you're a thinker.

[140] And you've learned how to think through things critically and see the other side of it and you like engaging with adults and presenting your opinions.

[141] Now, I don't always like the way you do it.

[142] Sometimes it's disrespectful.

[143] But the truth is, you're really good at it.

[144] And the truth is sometimes I get irritated because sometimes you're right.

[145] And I hadn't thought of that.

[146] And so I need to acknowledge that that sometimes I haven't even thought of things the way you have.

[147] Have you ever noticed you're good at pushing buttons.

[148] You know how to get me upset, your mom upset, your dad upset, your sister upset.

[149] It's because you've got good insight into human nature.

[150] That's why you're funny.

[151] Because you observe people and you understand how they work.

[152] And I promise you one day, that is going to be a huge benefit in life because in the real world, people value those traits more than they value just memorizing information for a test.

[153] See, sometimes you struggle to focus when you're not interested in a subject.

[154] But please know, that's normal.

[155] That's the way the brain's supposed to work, right?

[156] But when you care about something, like when you get an idea in your head of something to build or to draw or create, or when you're playing video games, you have the ability to hyper -focus and lock into it.

[157] That is a huge advantage in the real world because you'll get more done in two days than others will in a week.

[158] So we can learn some ways to overcome or alleviate some of your natural weaknesses.

[159] I can show you how to jumpstart your brain.

[160] By the way, it's a key part of our programs and no BS program, so you can focus and write better.

[161] So the reality is, childhood in school may be harder for you because adults get short -sighted and only care about school.

[162] And I apologize for not providing proper perspective to let you know, doing well in school, one part of life.

[163] But having all of these other traits isn't even more important part of having life's success.

[164] And I apologize for only focusing on the negative instead of noticing your positive traits.

[165] Because I know you probably feel like a fish swimming upstream or you feel out of step maybe with your peers.

[166] But I want you to be confident.

[167] And I want you to trust yourself deep down inside.

[168] Do not change who you are for others.

[169] Because I admire the fact that you're a better and deeper thinker, that you're strategic, that you're independent, that you've got initiative, you're a leader, you like pursuing your own path, and I'm excited because you've got a great future ahead of you.

[170] Now, moms and dads, that's what your kids need to hear, right?

[171] Do you know how life -changing that would feel for your child to know that there's nothing wrong with him, that you accept your child as he is, that you actually understand his challenges, and you understand how his brain works, and you know exactly how to help him overcome those weaknesses, that you can see the future, and that it's a good one, and that you speak that over your child instead of constantly heaping your own anxiety and pressure on him.

[172] See, that will change your relationship, and that will lead to a more motivated, confident child who doesn't spout off at parents and siblings, who isn't overwhelmed, who doesn't shut down.

[173] That's what we want.

[174] So I encourage you, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com, or go to our website.

[175] You'll see the tabs for the No BS program, for the Get Everything or program, or get the the Calm Parenting Package, or the boot camps.

[176] And I encourage you, reach out to us.

[177] We provide these materials because we believe that they will change your relationships and change your child's life, and we want to help.

[178] So if we can help, reach out to us.

[179] It's what we exist to do is our family mission.

[180] love you all.

[181] Thank you all for sharing this podcast and we'll talk to you soon.

[182] Bye -bye.