#76 - Bobby Lee

[0] The thing is, is those beads?

[1] Have you seen the blue one?

[2] The Beads?

[3] The Avatar one?

[4] No, the flexite is, it looks like a flashlight, right?

[5] Right.

[6] And you stick the thing inside it, right?

[7] The one, yeah, that one, I have that.

[8] I have these little beans, beads that you turn on.

[9] You stick your balls in it.

[10] I know you stick your, I know, but there's these beads on mine that you put in, and it vibrates.

[11] It's three beads and goes on the side.

[12] If you open that up, you can put beads inside.

[13] But the beads only last five minutes, right?

[14] And I take 10 minutes to do it.

[15] Oh, so the last five minutes, you just.

[16] Just holding your breath?

[17] No, I have a whole system in the side.

[18] I have all these batteries.

[19] Well, why don't you just have two?

[20] And then you have two fleshlights, and so you have one on standby.

[21] Because cleaning them is a half an hour thing.

[22] Half an hour.

[23] What do you use a toothbrush?

[24] No, no, no, I use hot oil.

[25] You use hot oil to clean them?

[26] No, no, from the Gulf.

[27] No, I microwave oil for five seconds.

[28] And you get it warm.

[29] You can't do it too hot.

[30] I did it once, and I scalded in my soft eyes.

[31] Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, but burns.

[32] but yeah you put the oil in it right yeah and then you put the beads in it it's still it's so good it feels so good it's like it's like it's like making love to an android and then um which is my fantasy uh dream and then um but that the beads run off run out of energy so only five minutes for these whack -ass beads yeah and brand new you have to put three of those flat you know what are you got the watch batteries the little tiny ones in a three tiny watch batteries a pop when you're doing it wow where do you get these I've never even heard of these beads.

[33] Open that up.

[34] Open that up.

[35] I bet you there's bead slots.

[36] No. Yeah.

[37] Yeah.

[38] I'm sure you're not talking about a competitor.

[39] No, that's it.

[40] See, okay, now go, no. You tell me what the slots are.

[41] On mine, I have three slots here.

[42] Oh, so yours is designed for it specifically.

[43] It is a flashlight.

[44] It is a flashlight.

[45] But it's a different one.

[46] It's a different one.

[47] You stick in there and go do.

[48] Oh, maybe you've got a vibrator model or something or vibrator.

[49] Oh, yes, they do have the vibrator models.

[50] I remember seeing that.

[51] Yeah, yeah.

[52] I have that one.

[53] Yeah.

[54] But it's the same.

[55] It looks exactly.

[56] It's a very, you know, this is a controversial thing, man. I do a whole series of, I do a whole bit about it on stage, but this really is controversy.

[57] Why?

[58] Because people didn't want me getting sponsored by a fake vagina.

[59] Like there's somehow or another, it's like bad for your reputation.

[60] Does it really take you 10 minutes to come?

[61] Yeah, because I...

[62] Now when you have regular sex, does it take you 10 minutes?

[63] No. It takes you longer?

[64] Can I say something?

[65] I want to say something to you?

[66] Sure.

[67] I'm being very specific on my porn.

[68] The thing is, is that I need the interview.

[69] Okay?

[70] You know the interview?

[71] The interview?

[72] The interview where the girl sits down, so where you're from?

[73] Where you're from?

[74] I'm from Ohio, you know, how much porn have you done?

[75] Not that much.

[76] This is my second time.

[77] Or first.

[78] And I need to sense a little fear.

[79] In her voice, right?

[80] And then check it out.

[81] You know the first time when they do, the first timers?

[82] When the penis goes in the vagina, I have to look at their eyes.

[83] In the eyes, they have to question their decision.

[84] That's how you get excited?

[85] Yeah, you know how, like when the penis goes in, they have to go, Mom.

[86] Do you associate that with any past sexual experiences?

[87] You see the look in the girl's eye?

[88] She's like, what the fuck is Bobby Lee doing inside me?

[89] And then you get excited, like, tricked him again, Josie?

[90] No, no, no. I think what it is is this.

[91] I think that my penis, it's not even an ethnic thing, but my penis is abnormally small.

[92] I don't care about it because, you know what I'm wrapping.

[93] Like how small?

[94] It's just small.

[95] Like thumb?

[96] No, yeah, it's thicker than that.

[97] All right.

[98] But the thing is, is that, and girls, you know, they like my bubbly personality.

[99] I'm like a dreamweaver.

[100] You know what I mean?

[101] And, you know what I mean?

[102] You're fun.

[103] Yeah, I'm a cute, you know what I, I tickle, you know what I mean?

[104] You find to be around.

[105] Yeah, I giggle.

[106] You bring a party.

[107] Yeah, yeah.

[108] And so then all of a sudden this party's fucking your mouth.

[109] You're like, hey.

[110] Yeah, and when I'm with a girl, I look in their eyes.

[111] And I've never had the sensation of, like, them going, oh, you know what I mean?

[112] Like, it's too big.

[113] Right.

[114] You know what I mean?

[115] I have a friend of mine who had that same problem.

[116] And so what he started doing was getting, he got a strap on.

[117] He got this crazy thing that covers his dick.

[118] And it was like his dick would go on and then this, like, big, fake dick would go over his dick and we were talking to him about it we were like well what's up like why do you what are you doing that for he goes just once I want to see a girl like have a hard time taking it yes they could always take it so easy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm never hurting them so are you really big into anal no I don't do that you think you would be though because that most girls even with your small dick would like no no no no no because me for me it's like I want them to have pleasure too some girls like it I know girl likes anal better than regular sex she just wants anal all the time Yeah, there are girls, and they're called Broken.

[119] Those are the ones that also light your house on fire, by the way.

[120] But I also imagine if you do an anal and you don't have a condom on that the poop goes into my whole.

[121] It does.

[122] And I don't want, I don't need that in my life.

[123] We talked about a terrible scene.

[124] Did we talk about that on the podcast?

[125] The Nandi show thing?

[126] Yeah, yeah, we did it last thing.

[127] Poop snakes are actually cool.

[128] Shut up.

[129] What's a poop snake?

[130] Stop, when you piss after anal sex, there's a little poop snake coming out?

[131] No, I don't need that in my life.

[132] You should try it.

[133] He's just talking about this.

[134] He's being silly.

[135] He does this all the time.

[136] You can't take him serious.

[137] You've never had a poop snake.

[138] Be honest.

[139] I tried poop smell, though, and that was worse.

[140] Ooh.

[141] There's a girl I had him sex with a long time ago.

[142] Back when I was 21, I lost my boner because I was banging her doggy style and I saw poop around her butt hole.

[143] I realized that she didn't really wipe that good.

[144] And then I started smelling it because the funk of the sex and the sweat.

[145] Yeah, yeah.

[146] Do you wet nap it?

[147] Do you ever do that?

[148] My butt?

[149] Yeah, I wet nap my butt.

[150] Oh, baby, nice.

[151] You know what, and that's respect.

[152] That's respect, right?

[153] You cannot flush those.

[154] You cannot flush those.

[155] What?

[156] You got to wipe yourself first, and then you got to get the baby wipes, and then you've got to throw the baby wipes away, which is kind of gross.

[157] Why can you flush?

[158] Because, well, if you live in an apartment, go flush away.

[159] But if you live in a house, eventually they're going to get clogged up, and you're going to have to have a group of dudes come in your backyard and find this pipe stuff full of your shit rags.

[160] Are you sure you weren't using unbreakables?

[161] No, bro, I'm used flushable baby wipes.

[162] The flushable ones like dissolve.

[163] They never break.

[164] They don't.

[165] That's the thing.

[166] They pretend they do.

[167] They don't really.

[168] They become like goo.

[169] They don't dissolve like toilet paper.

[170] And they get tied up on things.

[171] Like if you have, like in my area, we have issues with, because we're kind of rural.

[172] We have issues with trees growing into your pipes.

[173] You know, it's an issue like, well, like there's so many trees out here.

[174] The trees will like grow through like a crack in the pipe.

[175] And then one of them became like a goddamn tree.

[176] I mean, I posted pictures of it on Twitter.

[177] It's so ridiculous.

[178] Nobody even fucking believes it.

[179] My toilet was clogged.

[180] I couldn't figure.

[181] out what was going on with it.

[182] So I had these plumbers come out.

[183] They pulled a fucking eight foot tree out of my out of my toilet.

[184] Oh my God.

[185] Maybe not eight foot.

[186] How big was it?

[187] At least five feet.

[188] Yeah, like five feet.

[189] It was like it was like your height.

[190] It looked like a muppet.

[191] It looked like a muppet.

[192] It looked like some sort of an animal like somebody flushed some some wood rat.

[193] But are you worried that if they opened up the pipe, there's stuff with wet and ass, but can't you just say it's my children's?

[194] No, it's mine.

[195] I don't give it.

[196] I'm fucking own it.

[197] I'm not going to throw my kids under the bus.

[198] Oh, right, right.

[199] That's ridiculous.

[200] Well, you're not supposed to be the diaper wipes.

[201] You definitely don't flush because they're really thick and coarse.

[202] I mean, not coarse, but strong.

[203] They would not break up, definitely.

[204] But flushable baby wipes, those bitches don't break up either.

[205] The guy told me, no, they say they break up.

[206] People say, because I pulled them out of people's pipes all the time.

[207] So they had to, like, dig a hole.

[208] But it was really, the issue more or less was that there was a root that was blocking part of the area.

[209] Not as bad as the one that was in the toilet.

[210] The one that was in the toilet was fucking ridiculous.

[211] I'll find it and I'll repost that shit on Twitter because it's just so silly It doesn't even make sense It's so silly It really didn't look real Like I couldn't believe it That was after I had moved to Colorado So I left the house for a couple months And nobody was Flushing Yeah I just wish I like masturbating lasted longer for me Because to me it's just like I seriously have to focus on slowing it down All the time What are you trying to do there fella?

[212] No that's with sex and everything I just, I just, with masturbation though, isn't that like you're just trying to get it over with?

[213] Yeah, but I like to enjoy it, you know?

[214] Do you really?

[215] I mean, it feels good when you're doing it, right?

[216] So why not have it go for like 10 minutes?

[217] Yeah, well, the other day I was in, I wasn't, when I was in New York, I tried to masturbate, you know, to pour it on the internet.

[218] I couldn't finish.

[219] Right.

[220] So then, like, I, after about an hour, I finished half hard.

[221] And you always feel like a failure because it's like, it didn't, you didn't, my orgasm was like 50%.

[222] You know what I mean?

[223] And I just sat there with, like, you know, my hand.

[224] like with this marshmallow in my hand you know i mean just sitting there naked sweating you're going i failed at that i know what you're saying i couldn't i couldn't even finish that off wow i do feel you wow me and bobby were talking about how when we stay at hotels we hate when the maid comes don't come in my room don't ever come to my room and i didn't tell you that but i did spider man at the last hotel we were at and it must have hit the lamp because it started smoking what are you talking about the where i do spider man in a hotel where i throw brian people listening well we've talk about Spider -Man before.

[225] Okay, no one, no one listens every, I don't know what the fuck you're saying.

[226] When I masturbate all these other people.

[227] When I masturbate hotels, I have just, I'm like, fuck this, I'm in this hotel.

[228] Right.

[229] And I just like throw the sperm at the wall like Spider -Man.

[230] All right.

[231] Throw it across the room.

[232] And it's still connects to your wrist?

[233] No, no, it doesn't connect to my wrist.

[234] And you can swing it through the room?

[235] No, but it's, I just why that's so disrespectful.

[236] Because some poor Mexican lady has to clean, that's so, I'm so mad.

[237] It's clear.

[238] It's so rude.

[239] It's clear.

[240] It's clear.

[241] They don't clean it.

[242] it dries and then flakes and you don't know what it is.

[243] It's pretty obvious, dude.

[244] But you know they think it's either mucus or you mean?

[245] Or a load?

[246] A load.

[247] I can't even see where it goes.

[248] And once I hit a picture frame and I was like, oh, I better clean that off.

[249] It's so disrespectful.

[250] Once you hit a picture frame.

[251] Or like a picture on the wall.

[252] You got issues.

[253] Masturbate and try to enjoy yourself.

[254] When I masturbate, it's for maintenance.

[255] Just get it over with done.

[256] I don't enjoy it.

[257] And then moving on.

[258] It's even better.

[259] Towel and she'll definitely touch the towels.

[260] The problem with getting into master.

[261] debating and then you like you know like already had that joke about like having a bunch of windows open trying to figure out what to jerk off to you can get weird and obsessed you can get kind of yeah yeah you get a little caught up in it you know there's some dudes who you know they get so caught up in porn it becomes like a legit addiction where like they'll have a conversation with someone and they just can't wait to get a go away to their computer real quick and just look at yeah look at porn videos I have to do I have to pay for my porn though really I can't do grainy it has to be high deaf oh really you have to be able to see the freckles you're the last guy the last guy buying porn Yeah, yeah, I really am.

[262] I need to...

[263] Talk about a business that just got gutted.

[264] I know.

[265] I mean, that used to be a multi -millionaire business.

[266] I mean, there was some billion -dollar business, right?

[267] There was so many people in my neighborhood that were, uh, they're porn producers.

[268] Maybe driving around a Ferraris, living a good life.

[269] And I'm like, look at this wild -ass rebel, just filming fucking and making a billion dollars.

[270] Yeah.

[271] It's crazy.

[272] You know, it's kind of a weird thing, you know?

[273] They'd be like a curiosity in the community, you know, like all these mommies would look at them.

[274] That's the porn guy.

[275] That's where the porn guy lives.

[276] The porn guy.

[277] But now those guys aren't making shit That's done done son See ya if you're lucky you can get by now And if you're lucky you get Charlie Sheen Well look at these hookers These hookers can't stop talking about Charlie Sheen They're just they're doing interviews I heard someone on Stern this morning There's fucking Good Morning America Interviewed one of the girls that fuck Charlie Sheen Way to go Good Morning America You whores Congratulations you are now Us magazine And he allows you in his house Yeah gives you free cocaine Of course.

[278] You get to watch, you know, movies that haven't even come out yet on DVD.

[279] Like, you want to watch True Grit?

[280] Oh, that's out in the theaters.

[281] I have it.

[282] Yeah.

[283] You want to watch Avatar 2?

[284] I've got a rough cut.

[285] Yeah.

[286] They even have made that thing.

[287] You know what I mean?

[288] And then they disrespect him by, you know, ratting him out.

[289] Of course.

[290] Yeah.

[291] They're not as friends.

[292] Could you imagine if that was your friend?

[293] Imagine if a dude came over your house.

[294] Forget about sex.

[295] Just a dude came over your house and had, you know, hey, we all watched a fucking TV at Bobby Lee's house.

[296] He got nutty.

[297] He takes his pants off, runs with him.

[298] And all of a sudden this dude is on, you know, the radio on Monday.

[299] And he's telling the whole story about what he did hanging out at your house when you got crazy.

[300] But like, who the fuck is this guy?

[301] Yeah.

[302] You're like, that guy will never hang out of my house again.

[303] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[304] Can you imagine that how...

[305] Can you imagine being that little kid from two and a half men, how much tail Charlie throws his way?

[306] Hey, I got this daughter, this girl I fuck.

[307] Kids like 12, shut out.

[308] And also that kid...

[309] Is he?

[310] I think he's old now.

[311] And also that kid is so mad probably because the show could get canceled.

[312] All right.

[313] Oh, yeah.

[314] Yeah, they could all lose...

[315] They lose millions.

[316] They're trying to say all sorts of shit.

[317] Like, oh, it's Appendix Burke.

[318] He had a hernia.

[319] That kid's pissed me. Well, they all are.

[320] It's the biggest show in television.

[321] And by the way, this is only helping it.

[322] It's only helping it.

[323] People are not going to stop.

[324] Charlie Sheen is fucking, for whatever reason, man. He's grandfathered in, all right?

[325] Charlie Sheen ain't going nowhere.

[326] He could do Coke all day.

[327] He could bang hookers.

[328] He could threaten his wife with a knife.

[329] It doesn't matter.

[330] He's fucking smiling on camera on Monday.

[331] I like how the L .A. Police won't even.

[332] even do any, like, investigations through these alleged cocaine briefcase charges?

[333] I was like, wait a second.

[334] If somebody has a briefcase of cocaine, maybe you should find out what the fuck.

[335] No, no, no, no. That was Ohio they would.

[336] First of all, first of all, it's all hearsay.

[337] Okay, you can't take this hooker's word for it, okay?

[338] Or porn star, whoever's saying.

[339] First of all, there's that.

[340] And then second of all, what are you going to do?

[341] You're going to question him about whether or not he had cocaine for real?

[342] And he's going to say no. And then he's going to say, where's your evidence?

[343] Where's this from?

[344] And then the evidence is just some girl talking about it.

[345] Unless that girl wants to go in and talk to the government And what does she know?

[346] She knows a guy came over with cocaine You were doing cocaine So you were doing something illegal too Yeah, well sort of Does Charlie pay you to fuck?

[347] Yeah You know that's prostitution Can I call my lawyer?

[348] Come on man TMZ has this awesome article on yesterday Where like Charlie Sheen's old friend Or publicist or something like that Used to hang in his life And get in a lot of trouble with him And then he kind of disappeared for a few years Well lately he's been hanging out with this guy again So they took up They found him the other day walking Charlie's been hanging out.

[349] Yeah, Charlie's been hanging out with this guy again recently.

[350] And so they found him yesterday, like, walking on the street somewhere in Sunside or something.

[351] And he had an enjoyed Coke shirt on.

[352] They're like, huh, interesting.

[353] Oh, my God.

[354] There's also a testimony.

[355] What a great actor, Charlie Sheen is.

[356] Because what?

[357] Just listen.

[358] Listen to my theory, dude.

[359] Listen to my theory, okay?

[360] When you act, you have to, some actors get acting coaches, right?

[361] They get the script.

[362] Right.

[363] They memorize their lines.

[364] They have to go to table, rehearsals.

[365] This dude just shows up.

[366] You know what I mean?

[367] Just after the two.

[368] Night Binder, right?

[369] Once you've been on a sitcom for that long, it becomes very easy.

[370] News radio, the last couple seasons, was super easy.

[371] News radio, we were working three days a week.

[372] It was so easy.

[373] Yeah, and, you know, and we would get, like, a script, and then we'd fuck around with it for a couple of days.

[374] And then we would put it up on Friday.

[375] A sweatshop.

[376] And no one watched it.

[377] You guys worked hard, and you guys had, like, weird guidance, man. Yeah, we had nine Mexicans watch.

[378] Those two dudes that were running it, man, those guys had odd tastes.

[379] Oh, it was the weirdest show.

[380] I've ever...

[381] I hosted it one.

[382] And that's one of the times, I knew you before that, though, right?

[383] Yeah, yeah.

[384] That's where I met Brian Cowen.

[385] And I hosted it once.

[386] And I remember, like, talking to them about my, like, they wanted me to do a monologue.

[387] And it was just like, you know, so I'm like, all right, I'll talk about this and I'll talk about that.

[388] And like, you know, all right.

[389] But it was just, it was real awkward.

[390] I was like, how the fuck did these guys get to be running some sort of a sketch show?

[391] It was the weirdest show ever.

[392] Not only that, it's like, no one, there was no, like, people could just walk in.

[393] You know what I mean?

[394] What do you mean?

[395] I just had people, like, walk and go, hey, like, in my hall.

[396] way where my dressing room is.

[397] Hey man, what's up?

[398] Who are you?

[399] I just know, watching the show.

[400] How are you back here?

[401] How'd they get back there?

[402] I don't know.

[403] There was like no security.

[404] I don't know.

[405] I never met one security.

[406] You never met a security.

[407] I never met a security.

[408] No security.

[409] No, it was on Highland and Santa Monica.

[410] You know that one?

[411] It did sort of seem like a factory.

[412] Yeah, it was weird.

[413] It seemed like a regular show.

[414] Yeah.

[415] And then we would have big storm sometimes.

[416] Like Jackie Chan did it once.

[417] Like, what are you doing here?

[418] You're legitimate.

[419] You're a international superstar.

[420] it went on forever too yeah and I I behaved like a fucking asshole toward the end I pooped in I pooped in Lauren Dombrovsky's office floor on her floor yeah because I was so mad at her why are you mad at her because she just they deceive you really yeah Warren Dabrowski did no she passed away you know I know I know I knew her from back in Boston when she was on a comedy team she saved my life really yeah yeah I love Lauren and there shit on her floor because you love it it was as a joke and there was as a joke actors writing in there.

[421] Ike and Nicole Parker were writing and I go stick this tums in your asshole.

[422] Just for a joke?

[423] Tums?

[424] So I stuck it in my butthole and then my butthole started foaming and then they both started laughing like really loud and then I shot the tums out of my butthole and then a piece of poop came up after that, right?

[425] And it was a huge laugh and then Lauren poor Lauren, you know, walks in and she sees a tums that's foaming and a piece of poop on the floor and I had to clean it up.

[426] It's stuff like that, you know what I mean?

[427] Right.

[428] Because when no one watches is it and like we had free range just to act just as crazy as why was it so bad but what was bad is because there's no real boss right and also what happened was Fox didn't own it the Warner Brothers did right and it's so Warner Brothers didn't care about it right Fox didn't care about it right and we just and no one watched it and I don't know how it stayed on but every year they would go yeah you're going to come back I go really you know you and I used to have these conversations at the back of the comedy store where you didn't know what to do You're like, I don't know what to do I mean they're giving me X amount of dollars a week It's a steady job But it's fucking terrible You fucking hated it dude Oh I hated it I hated it I mean at 5 in the morning You'd show up No one's there You would have this look in your face Man sometimes You would have this look in your face Where you just like You didn't know what to do I cried a lot You fucking hate it I cried so much on that job So at 5 in the morning I mean when you'd show up for work 5 o 'clock call You should have no one there No one Yeah And then at 540 people start showing up I go why did you call me who runs this thing right you know call times are always brutal oh I hate it I hate when they get you in early just they lie they lie they're liars they're liars you're like show up at 5 and then you shoot at 8 at night right you know what I mean right because well first of all because comedians are irresponsible you have to take that into account right you are I am Brian is they're on porn star Joe Dia is the most irresponsible person ever met my fucking life yeah Ari is fairly responsible but even him pretty responsible pretty nuts another time I got in trouble they they get they They sued me. One of the actors tried to sue me. Really?

[429] She shows her first day of work, right?

[430] She finally gets on a sketch show, right?

[431] And she later became, like kind of, she's on Mad Men and she was on the cover of Playboy.

[432] But when she...

[433] What's her name?

[434] Her name is Krista Flanagan.

[435] Hold on.

[436] We got to Google.

[437] Look, right?

[438] A Playboy put that on.

[439] Krista, with a C -R -I -S -T -A.

[440] One of my best friends in the whole world.

[441] She is?

[442] Yeah, she is.

[443] How do you spell her last name?

[444] Flan -L -A -N.

[445] You have very weird friendships.

[446] Why?

[447] Because, you know, you're friends with somebody, you poop on their floor.

[448] Or are you friends that somebody gets sued?

[449] So you said she was in Playboy?

[450] No, but, yeah, but Flanagan didn't know me. It's her first day of work, five in the morning.

[451] She shows up, and we had rehearsals in the actor's rehearsal hall, and she's sitting on the couch.

[452] I had no idea who she was.

[453] She was eating yogurt, okay?

[454] So I was so early, I'm delirious, I had like 30 minutes of sleep.

[455] I walked up to her.

[456] I grabbed the back of her head, and I farted in her mouth while she was in yogurt, right?

[457] She starts crying.

[458] Joe, she started crying, right?

[459] So then Ron Peterson, who, you know who Ron Peterson is, right?

[460] No. The guy that went out with Natasha, Ari, you know that whole thing?

[461] I don't know who is.

[462] You know what the whole controversy with him.

[463] I know with Ari.

[464] I know there was a controversy with her.

[465] Where Natasha left with a Matt TV again, Ron Peterson is the guy.

[466] She's very pretty.

[467] Yeah, Ron Peterson.

[468] You farted in her mouth.

[469] You're a confident, man. What made you so confident that fart in this pretty girl's face?

[470] I would fart in her mouth.

[471] So then Ron Peterson physically attacked me. Mike McDonald in the show.

[472] While you farted her?

[473] No, after that, because she started crying.

[474] Right.

[475] So you farted.

[476] In her mouth.

[477] With yogurt.

[478] Okay.

[479] So she's eating.

[480] You come by, you fart in her mouth.

[481] Like, when you grabbed it, did your butt touch your face?

[482] No, I had my jeans on.

[483] Right.

[484] But you know how it's powerful that you can go through two layers of underwear and jeans?

[485] That's what it was.

[486] You felt a strong one.

[487] Yeah, like, like that.

[488] You know what I mean?

[489] Well, how to push behind it.

[490] It doesn't go, it doesn't go, but go, right.

[491] Did your jeans come in contact with her skin?

[492] Yes.

[493] Really?

[494] With her lips.

[495] Oh, my God.

[496] Right.

[497] It was right in her mouth.

[498] Oh, my God.

[499] crying and then check it out so who attacks you so Ron Peterson attacks me right what does this Ron Peterson he's like he's a Canadian comedian okay actor so he comes after you yeah and Mike McDonnell puts him in a headlock puts Peterson in a headlock because he's physically attacking me people do that to me all the time they just want to physically assault me I'm just one of those guys and then you know so then two days later You know, my manager, Abby.

[500] Right.

[501] I mean, we'd have sit there in front of, like, the mad TV lawyers.

[502] And there was an awkward moment where, like, they have it on tape.

[503] They go, explain to me what happened.

[504] Right?

[505] So I go, I showed up at work.

[506] Like, yeah.

[507] And I'm like, I see this girl.

[508] I don't know where.

[509] You know, like, yeah, she's eating yogurt.

[510] And she opened her mouth.

[511] Anyway, I fart it in her face, in her mouth.

[512] And then there was a 15 -second, awkward pause.

[513] You know what I mean?

[514] Where people are, like, writing things down.

[515] You know what I mean?

[516] And then what I'm what?

[517] guys just says why right and I go I don't know you know what I mean and they showed it up so now I made a deal where I bought I bought her a $500 gift certificate to Burke Williams gave it to her like the next couple of days and I wrote her into like a popular sketch that I did and everything was fine became very good friends damn fart in my mouth and make it best buy wow man you know it's an unfortunate thing when people try to fuck around on sets and just have fun.

[518] You never know right before you do something sometimes if it's too far.

[519] Patrice O 'Neill had a really funny point once where Patrice was talking about Imus, about when Imus got in trouble for saying something about black people.

[520] Remember that?

[521] The nap you heard of basketball players.

[522] Yeah, and he said that you can't, you can't, no one knows exactly what the fuck they're going to say before they say things like that.

[523] And sometimes you say things that are crossed the line, but he's like, But that's where all funny comes from.

[524] If it misses or it hits, it's still coming from the same place.

[525] It's just trying to get a laugh.

[526] Yeah.

[527] And he's totally right.

[528] That's what it is.

[529] Yeah.

[530] It's like people that aren't in the comedy business, man, they don't really understand that.

[531] In order to be really funny, you can't really have very many boundaries.

[532] And you know where we're from.

[533] We're from, like, you know.

[534] The store.

[535] The store guys like that.

[536] Yeah.

[537] I have so many pictures of you naked, dude.

[538] Yeah, yeah.

[539] I have pictures you tucked standing in the middle of the bar.

[540] I've been raped there.

[541] I've been all kinds of.

[542] of things have happened growing up in the I have a series of pictures of you with your pants down at the comedy store from over the years where most of him most of them he has his dick tucked in between his legs and his legs pinched together and your shirt is off probably on a Sunday too who cares right?

[543] It's probably a Tuesday shit yeah but like and then you show up at a corporate workplace like a network show and you bring that into there and they're like no yeah no no no yeah when we were on news radio there was a lot of chaos for a while because they would let us drink on the set so we would be done with the show and we would get fucking hammered we would get so hammered then no one knows this is i because i never took i shouldn't have done this we blamed it on some band we had a band that was uh at our uh at our studio or uh on the stage i forget that the band was some like very heavy metal band so it was perfect like to blame it on them yeah yeah and um they they uh they were in a scene with us god i want to say anthrax was that a band yeah they were right one dude had shaved head yeah so uh anyway we're all hanging around it was me and dave foley and mora ternie just fucking smashed smashed and then we're hungry yeah and uh mora goes we can only get in the craft service room and i'm like i can get in that room and i fucking i fucking taekwondo the door i kicked the door smash the door frame really bent the fucking yeah one kick i kicked open the door and um went inside and we fucking chowed down, open up the fridge, and then they were so pissed the next day.

[544] They're blaming it on the band.

[545] And we were like, yeah, that's fucked up.

[546] Like, that's terrible.

[547] Those guys were fucking...

[548] And they were going to, like, stop drinking on the set because of it.

[549] Andy would get smashed.

[550] Oh, yeah.

[551] And Andy would bring these shady fucking characters over.

[552] There would just be strange smells coming out of this fucking dressing room.

[553] It was just a fun, fun set, man. You don't get real good comedy unless you get the type of people that don't have that many boundaries that will go out there people that will pull their fucking pants down like all my friends that are comics they pull their pants down they do stupid shit they'll they're you know say I dare you to go do this like they're probably gonna do if it's funny yeah yeah yeah I've seen like nine 10 comics penises over the last week like Christalia's Polly's I've seen Polly's shorts penis I'm not even lying 832 times over a lifetime you know what I mean and it's just I didn't ask The Christ Delia's penis Look like Al Magical's penis By the way, is very large Okay Yeah, yeah Anyway But people don't know Tell that to Al Magical Was Magical's a penis big?

[554] No It's pretty large too, I guess No, I don't think it is It's impossible That Al Magical has a big dick Yeah, it's impossible Really?

[555] I don't think so Because he's a Hispanic What are you talking about?

[556] Hispanics don't have little dicks They have huge monster dicks How many Mexicans are you blowing?

[557] No, no Mexican They're not blowing any Mexican.

[558] What are you talking about?

[559] They have big penises.

[560] They're not the small ones.

[561] But not the black, big penis people.

[562] They're not like black people.

[563] They're like happy between black and white.

[564] But neither are like Irish.

[565] Well, Irish people are supposed to be small penises.

[566] No, they're not thick penises.

[567] Irish curse.

[568] To me, the only difference between a Mexican guy and Asian guy, except for culturally, but physically I'm talking about, is the eyes.

[569] What?

[570] Yeah.

[571] The eyes.

[572] If you take a Mexican guy, you get them really high.

[573] He's fucking from Okinawa.

[574] You're right.

[575] Hmm.

[576] But they're more.

[577] Well, they are.

[578] Asian, really, because what American Indians are, it's people that came down from the Bering Strait.

[579] That's right.

[580] Well, some people have a different theory that mankind started in America and they went the other way.

[581] Well, you know, that's also possible.

[582] Human beings have been around so long.

[583] They've made a bunch of recent discoveries that have way, way, way pushed back the dates of civilization.

[584] We were talking about this on the podcast recently about Crete.

[585] It's an island.

[586] It's 40 miles away from the shore, and it's been that way for over 5 million years.

[587] Wow.

[588] And they found these stone tools that may be.

[589] as old as 700 ,000 years old.

[590] They're at least 100 ,000 years old.

[591] So they know 100 ,000 years ago, dudes were getting on boats and traveling 40 miles.

[592] I mean, that's amazing shit.

[593] It's incredible, yeah.

[594] You know, there's a lot of shit we don't know about people, man. There's a lot of shit we don't know about people.

[595] But as far as, like, what we do know is that the people that were in Asia are the same people that were North American Indians.

[596] And then North American Indians got fucked by Spaniards and they created Mexicans.

[597] That's what it is.

[598] That's why some Mexicans look like Indians.

[599] They look like, you know, you could just make.

[600] make a fucking headdress and he'd be sitting bull, you know?

[601] And what else people don't understand is that, you know, Japanese and Koreans, which I'm Korean, right, we have kakazoid strains in our DNA because there's, you know, we're from Mongolia, right?

[602] And they're so close to Russia, right, that it mixed a little bit.

[603] Sure.

[604] You know what I mean?

[605] So we have that.

[606] You know what I mean?

[607] So I'm kind of white.

[608] Well, Russia, there's a lot of parts of Russia, like Siberia, especially, where the people look very Asian.

[609] They look like Bjork.

[610] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[611] So they're weird, you know, sort of an Inuit look to them.

[612] yeah yeah you know it's really interesting that shit yeah it's a trip man it's a trip when you step with really a trip about Asians that I mean the real trip is the stereotype that they look exactly the same yeah yeah and they don't of course look exactly the same but I don't have to tell you that yeah but but it is kind of weird that you have an entire group of people with narrow eyes and the same color skin and black hair yeah I mean there's like zero variation right that's crazy there's a billion people like that yeah a billion plus, really.

[613] I mean, that's really amazing.

[614] When you look at the very minute amount of variation as opposed to European countries and even African countries.

[615] But let me say something to you, okay?

[616] It's just that, okay, I ran into you and Eddie once at the Sherman Oaks Gallery.

[617] You guys were working out at the gym there, okay?

[618] And I was maybe 100 feet away from you.

[619] Right.

[620] And there was probably 20 other Asians in my area, right?

[621] And you from 100 yards go, Bobby, and I turned around, right?

[622] Was it like that too?

[623] Like, hey, Bobby.

[624] Yeah, you yell from like 100 yards.

[625] I talk at the gym.

[626] Yeah, yeah.

[627] No, it wasn't in the gym.

[628] It was outside the gym, right?

[629] It was outside the gym.

[630] And so you recognize me from 100 yards away amongst Asians, so we don't look alike.

[631] Well, Bobby, I know who you are.

[632] We are friends.

[633] We look like.

[634] My eyes are good.

[635] I'm healthy.

[636] I understand that.

[637] So what I'm saying is that we do have differences.

[638] Sure, you have variations in the same theme.

[639] The same theme over and over again.

[640] Yeah, the same skin color.

[641] Look, this is not racist.

[642] You know, there's a bunch of people right now.

[643] This is not dedicated to you.

[644] This is dead.

[645] dedicated to the people that will start fucking complaining, either on a message board or on Twitter, and I heard that shit you said about Asians, it's so racist.

[646] No, it's just an observation.

[647] I don't find it racist.

[648] It's an observation.

[649] To me, it's a fascinating thing.

[650] It's not, it's nothing negative about it, you know?

[651] But what what's fascinating is that, especially like in China and Japan, there are a gigantic group of people that look very, very similar.

[652] And, you know, there's not like a lot of black influence.

[653] It's not a lot of European influence.

[654] The fact that they were able to stay so pure for so long is really quite shocking when you look at the history of the human race the human race has been around for you know however many hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years that they've been so concentrated in this area that it's been you know agents breeding with agents almost almost exclusively but that's the reason why i've only did a one agent guy in my girl in my whole life you said guy and slipped up patty i heard you say guy first girl girl guy yeah okay Girl.

[655] Patty?

[656] She was a power ranger.

[657] She was in the space one when they went to space.

[658] Yeah, she was hot, right?

[659] She was hot?

[660] She was beautiful, right?

[661] So when I was in the bed with her, right?

[662] You know how it's dark and your eyes get adjusted to the light a little bit, the darkness?

[663] You saw yourself?

[664] No, I didn't see yourself.

[665] I saw the guy from Heroes.

[666] I saw the lady from Grace Anonomy.

[667] I saw my uncle Han.

[668] I saw Kim Jong -il.

[669] I saw everybody.

[670] And after that, I said, I can't do it anymore.

[671] Wow.

[672] Yeah, so the girls that I date are always either six -foot -two blonde Scandinavian -looking ones Or like, you know, you know, skinny tall Mexicans that are, you know what I mean?

[673] But it cannot be Asians.

[674] Wow, that's crazy.

[675] I knew a girl who was Chinese and she had a thing with her dad and just Asian guys made her throw up.

[676] Like, she couldn't even imagine that she got fucking her.

[677] She was so sad.

[678] Yeah, yeah.

[679] Poor kid.

[680] Yeah, I'm the same way.

[681] If you're so, just one group, just fucking whoever was the rest of the rest of, you.

[682] representative of that one group fucked up so hard.

[683] Yeah, but that's, you know, the Asian parents are really the worst.

[684] Really?

[685] They are the worst because they come to this country and they just assume that they're going to have their children here and that they're going to be doctors and lawyers.

[686] I mean, that's flat out.

[687] There's like three options, right?

[688] Right.

[689] So if you come home with Cs, you're getting a beat.

[690] I got beat so hard, bro.

[691] Yeah, just beat because I got a C on a report card.

[692] Now, how do your parents feel now that you're real successful as a comedian?

[693] Do they accept that?

[694] No, but when they first started doing stand -up, they didn't talk to me for years, bro.

[695] Wow.

[696] Yeah, I mean, I would say, like, for birthdays, I'd go, Happy birthday.

[697] Wow.

[698] Thanks, Dad.

[699] Okay, bye.

[700] That's it?

[701] Yeah.

[702] Wow.

[703] But I understand culturally what that's about, right?

[704] And then when they saw me on the Tonight Show, Leno, like 12 years ago, I did it, right?

[705] That was the first moment where they went, Oh, we fuck up.

[706] We totally fuck up.

[707] So my dad called me emotionally, and I've never seen the guy cry before.

[708] Wow.

[709] And he started crying on the phone and goes, I should have supported you.

[710] But I didn't because I never thought you could make it.

[711] You know what I mean?

[712] Wow.

[713] That's heavy, man. Yeah, and it was like the bond, you know what I mean?

[714] That they, you know what I mean, discovered that they made a mistake.

[715] That the whole time, like me getting bad grades in school, me get kicked out of school, you know what I mean?

[716] And all the behavioral problems.

[717] You need that to be a comedian.

[718] Yeah, I know.

[719] I don't know a single comedian that got straight A's in.

[720] fucking studied all the time had a lot of options dang they did in school I think did he yeah yeah I mean that's his fucking problem yeah I mean that's the root of it right there um and that's why can I just why my last point is the reason why that guy Chiu Songwi shot up Virginia Tech because his parents were just super suppressive his parents okay always saw the kid talking to imaginary people in the park you know in like a park right Right.

[721] Now, a normal parent would go, oh, that is a mistake.

[722] You know what I mean?

[723] That's something wrong.

[724] Right.

[725] But since the kid was getting good grades in school, they just go, you know what?

[726] He's getting good crates.

[727] Right.

[728] They never addressed the problem, but he's fucking crazy.

[729] Right.

[730] Right.

[731] Like, my parents, you know, I got bad grades, but I was always a good guy.

[732] Like, if I saw a homeless guy, you know what I mean?

[733] I would give them a dime or whatever I had in my pocket.

[734] You know what I mean?

[735] I was never an evil person.

[736] You know what I had a good heart, right?

[737] Right.

[738] But they didn't acknowledge that part of me. You know what I mean?

[739] Of course.

[740] They only acknowledge that is he getting good grades.

[741] What's college is he going to go do, right?

[742] So as soon as the guy shot up the school, the Korean community harbored, okay, this kid.

[743] They're the parents of the kid.

[744] So that's why you can't find an interview online with the parents.

[745] Like what the fuck happened, right?

[746] The Koreans harbored the parents, so the media couldn't get to them, then they shipped him to Korea.

[747] They shipped the parents of Korea?

[748] Yeah, the Koreans don't live here anymore.

[749] Wow.

[750] They live in Korea, hiding, you know what I mean?

[751] In Pusong or something.

[752] something you know what I mean in some village it's kind of a fascinating thing that when someone does something fucked up you never blame who made them you know like if my dog goes out and bites people like all of a sudden you asshole you know you what did you do with your dog why is your dog so mean how come your dog wasn't contained in your yard yeah but if your kid goes out and fucking shoots some people and shoots up a school nobody like pulls you aside and go hey what the fuck was going on when this one was being made yeah yeah I mean you saw Jeffrey Dahmer's parents still you know defend themselves like you can't defend that shit you can but you You can't rather, but who's to say that someone can't just be broken?

[753] Who's to say that you can't just have normal people?

[754] And this kid's just got a fucking wild screw loose, period.

[755] And there's nothing you can do about it?

[756] But can I say something, Joe?

[757] And I disagree with you on this point, okay?

[758] Because, you know, I met your daughters, right?

[759] Just these well -adjusted, beautiful kids, right?

[760] I guarantee you they're not going to eat somebody.

[761] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[762] They will not eat somebody.

[763] Look, that's a poor example because that's just a few that worked out well.

[764] We're not talking about the average person.

[765] We're talking about there's, like, the thing about Dahmer is a perfect example.

[766] because apparently he was never abused But his parents Weren't together They weren't together But that doesn't mean anything And the father When he saw Dahmer with a dead dog I brought home a dead animal Right To my dad Right I go look daddy I found the cat Right He beat the shit out of me Until I could no longer even move Really And I never brought home dead cats anymore Did he make you eat it Right Okay but this is a guy That was killing a bunch of of things when he was really young, right?

[767] Yeah, yeah.

[768] But from what, he's like one of the few cases that from what I've read online.

[769] Maybe you know more about the case than I did.

[770] But from when I've read it more online, there's no evidence that he was ever molested, never had any stories about it.

[771] Yeah, and his parents were seemingly normal.

[772] Yeah, maybe you're right.

[773] Maybe you're right.

[774] But I don't know.

[775] I mean, it's...

[776] But I think a lot of it has to do with...

[777] Nurture, yes.

[778] A lot of it does.

[779] But maybe not all of it.

[780] I mean, look, if someone can be completely psychotic like that Virginia Textsruiter or like many other serial killers, I mean, who knows there might be a variety of things that can go wrong it might not just be nurture it might also be nature that might be possible but there also i mean you can you have to admit though that there is a mental deficiency right sure something going on yeah and there are medications out there right that can are there medications that can give you a soul that's true you know i'm saying because i think there's some people that are sociopaths and they literally they have no feeling for other people all they think about themselves we know a bunch of them we know a few comics that are sociopaths yeah yeah yeah you know mencia is a clear associate.

[781] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[782] No question about it.

[783] No question.

[784] You know, there's a disconnect between, you know, these people and reality for whatever reason.

[785] And almost all of them, it's some sort of sexual abuse when they're young.

[786] Yeah.

[787] Almost all of them.

[788] Well, you know, yeah, Mensia, I guess it came out in a different way that was what you're saying.

[789] You know what I mean?

[790] Instead of like slaughtering a village.

[791] Well, you can come out of a bunch of different ways.

[792] You can come out in drug addiction.

[793] It can come out in, you know, prostitution, and girls who do porn, you know, almost.

[794] But you know my view, but you know my view on Mencia, you know, that, you know, No, I see a side to him that no one, like you guys, don't see.

[795] Play the music.

[796] I play the music.

[797] No, no, no, no, no. Give me some.

[798] No, no, no, no, no. Give me some love music.

[799] Look, I know.

[800] You know, I've always.

[801] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[802] You know what I don't see the sociopath?

[803] Well, you're like the neighbor that, you know, when, well, what was Domber like?

[804] Well, he was a nice guy.

[805] He always said hi and.

[806] Yeah.

[807] Yeah, yeah.

[808] Maybe I am the neighbor.

[809] He was always kind to me. Yeah, yeah.

[810] Maybe I'm the neighbor.

[811] You're the neighbor, right?

[812] Yeah.

[813] But the neighbor that doesn't get it.

[814] Look, no one who's evil is evil to everybody I mean, fucking maybe Ed Gain had a nice cat That he treated well Right, right I love that guy, I can read that geeky, do you?

[815] Well, and just in sense that like, you know what I mean, inspiring these huge movies Like, you know, Silence the Lambs and...

[816] Yeah, it's a fucking scary thing Because he was doing it back when there was no other examples of it That was just what he's supposed to be doing It's not like this guy learned about it in movies and shit No, he was making clothes out of people Right, right, right.

[817] I think that, I think making a lampshade, right, is worse than making clothes.

[818] They found lambshades from World War II.

[819] They're made out of Jews.

[820] Oh, geez.

[821] They found one recently.

[822] Oh, my God.

[823] It was preserved.

[824] Oh, my God.

[825] That's crazy.

[826] Yeah, it's horrendous.

[827] No one's going to buy that.

[828] How could you put that out in your living room?

[829] Sick or some people, man. Did they make, like, clothing, too, and, like, everything, or just lampshades?

[830] Like, did they have Jew bros?

[831] I think they just fucking slaughtered people and did whatever they wanted to them.

[832] It was a sort of a subhuman.

[833] Don't you don't ever say Jew bros. brawes in front of me again do you have in your house like a room devoted to Ken Jong -yo like newspaper articles over wall circles and like private investigator photos I mean why would you have do you know him do you mean why would I know him because it seems like he would be your enemy right now if I was you why because it seems like he's in everything right now do you do you feel some kind of context I don't know anything about the dude Brian has brain damage when he was a young man he was asleep and he lived in the apartment and for years I mean there has to be Carbon dioxide was blown on his head to an open event.

[834] I'm not kidding.

[835] Brian, she had brain damage.

[836] Can I just say something to you?

[837] Okay.

[838] When I was born, okay, I saw all the shows that you saw.

[839] Right.

[840] Because we had, I was lived in America and TV.

[841] I listened to the Beatles.

[842] You know what I mean?

[843] I smoked high with my friends on a hammock.

[844] When did your parents come here?

[845] In the late 60s, right?

[846] And what's crazy about my parents is they didn't even meet in Korea.

[847] They met here.

[848] Wow.

[849] Right.

[850] They met in a disco.

[851] And they're both super Korean.

[852] They're super Korean, but yeah.

[853] Very traditionalists.

[854] I mean, not now.

[855] So now you grew up in San Diego, right?

[856] Now, that's where I meant Bobby.

[857] When I met Bobby, Bobby was a doorman?

[858] Do you're a doorman?

[859] I was a doorman?

[860] It was like 97, 96, maybe, 95, yeah.

[861] Maybe earlier, maybe.

[862] It was, I just moved to L .A. I'd only been here for a little while, and I was doing a weekend at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and it was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby.

[863] I think Diaz was Dias?

[864] I don't think so.

[865] I think Diaz was still in Seattle at the time.

[866] And we went to a strip club in San Diego.

[867] And there was these Mexican gangbangers that were like the real deal, like tattooed tears in their face.

[868] And this one dude was he had these crazy murderer eyes.

[869] And, you know, and Jimmy Schubert was like, I don't know what happened.

[870] Jimmy was trying to get a dance from one of their girlfriends or something or said something to one of the girlfriends.

[871] And so the guy got up and he got in Jimmy Schubert's face and Jimmy Schubert was trying to apologize.

[872] And Bobby Lee just got all crazy.

[873] Like, fuck these fucking pussies.

[874] Bobby Lee, like, are you like, these guys?

[875] ain't shit.

[876] These guys are pussies and he was saying it like loud and the guys were looking at us and I just got up and I said I'm leaving right now whoever's coming with me is coming with me I'm leaving right now like I knew we were like moments away from someone getting shot really I don't have street smarts oh my god you talk about negative street smarts these dudes had tattoos in their face there's certain dudes where you look at him and you go these guys are posers these guys were murderers like there's no question about it we're we're 15 minutes away from Tijuana okay and this is you know this is the old days when it wasn't even hard to go back and forth back in the 90s bro you needed a driver's license it's all you needed you didn't have to have a passport to go to Mexico or come back and forth dudes were coming back and forth all the time oh and cab drivers didn't even they could just drive back and forth yeah it's so easy so there was a lot of crime and dangerous crime it was like you would run into pockets of like extreme danger and that's what we were involved in a pocket of extreme danger and there's Bob being fuck these guys these guys ain't shit fuck you guys are pussies these guys are pussies he's like saying it loud and I don't know if you were drunk at the time you might have been drinking No, no, no, I was.

[877] Were you sober?

[878] Yeah.

[879] I was 20, I was 23, okay?

[880] I just left my, the hometown Poway was where I grew up.

[881] Poway?

[882] Yeah, it's called Poway.

[883] Yeah.

[884] It's outside of San Diego.

[885] Yeah, it's like east of like downtown San Diego, right?

[886] And I didn't know much, okay?

[887] I just started doing stand up.

[888] I wanted to impress you because, you know what I mean?

[889] You're a headliner and I'd never met headliners.

[890] You know what I mean?

[891] Like, he's a headliner.

[892] So I wanted to act tough.

[893] You know what I mean?

[894] And I came across looking at like a fucking asshole.

[895] Well, it's not how you came across.

[896] It was the threat that you had put.

[897] us into you'd put us in a position where you apologized over the last 15 years oh it's no big deal buddy just a funny story man I still love you I like just a funny story but I just remember like this little motherfucker's gonna get me killed yeah and I remember vividly yeah yeah shoot he was so incredulous even now we're waiting to get in the car ah you guys are overreacted I'm like get in the fucking car yeah yeah I'm like this I've seen murderers before I've met him yeah there's a certain there's a certain tweak in a person's eye when they've already killed somebody sounds like nonsense but Joe I was just in South Africa.

[898] I did some shows out there.

[899] Yeah.

[900] Three o 'clock in the afternoon, I walked out in my hotel room, and all of a sudden, I'm on the floor.

[901] What?

[902] Yeah.

[903] I go, why am I on the dirt, right?

[904] And these two black guys from South Africa were robbing me. Whoa.

[905] And I, and, and, and I don't know how have any smarts.

[906] You know what?

[907] So what, would they hit you with something?

[908] Or they throw you on the car?

[909] No, I walked out and I just could, I saw these two guys kind of following me. Right.

[910] I go, oh, like, I don't have it in that instinct.

[911] Right.

[912] You know what I mean?

[913] And the The next thing I know, they throw me onto the ground, these two huge black dudes, right?

[914] And then, like, my face is in the dirt, and they take my Blackberry, and I had some cash in the other pocket, right?

[915] Right.

[916] They ran off, and then Ian Bagg, you know, Ian Bagg?

[917] Yeah, Ian Bagg and I looked for two hours for them.

[918] What are we going to do?

[919] I know, nothing.

[920] Why would you look for it?

[921] Because I was going to buy my Blackberry off of them.

[922] Oh, that's good.

[923] Like, they're going to accept money to give you something that's worth money for your money.

[924] Fuck you.

[925] I don't know.

[926] That is the most money?

[927] That's the dumbest thing.

[928] I'm just telling you this happened And the thing is I just don't have any street smarts Wow Yeah I just don't have that instant I grew up in the suburbs Wow that's not just not having street smarts That's like that's like you haven't thought this out And Ian Bagg was down with this plan Yeah What's his problem?

[929] He's from Canada I think me and Bobby grew up together In the same apartment He's Canadian Wow That's pretty crazy Yeah yeah yeah So that's the same kind of thing Africa is very tricky isn't it It's crazy How long were you there for A month and a half Whoa, what were you doing there for a month?

[930] I did a bunch of shows in Johannesburg, Durban, and Cape Town.

[931] That's crazy.

[932] It was crazy, bro.

[933] I did it with great comics, though, Mencia.

[934] Not Mancia, Pablo Francisco.

[935] You keep getting them confused.

[936] I know, Pablo Francisco.

[937] You know all those nice kids.

[938] Gabriel, Glaze, no, it was Pablo, me, Ian, Orney Adams.

[939] Wow.

[940] Okay, I saw a photo with you and Orney Online somewhere.

[941] That was it.

[942] Yeah.

[943] So what was the experience like?

[944] First of all, what are the audiences like?

[945] They're Africans?

[946] No, they're just white and blacks.

[947] It's amazing.

[948] D. N .N. Words?

[949] In that way.

[950] In the best audiences I've ever played in front of.

[951] Really?

[952] You crush.

[953] You absolutely crush, bro.

[954] Really?

[955] Because comedy's only like 10 years old there.

[956] Whoa.

[957] And you turn on the TV, you see two and a half men, all these shows that they get from America.

[958] But they can't do it themselves.

[959] No, there have a couple.

[960] There's a guy named Trevor Noah, who's a huge star out there.

[961] Really?

[962] Yeah.

[963] He's a black guy.

[964] He's huge.

[965] And there's another guy named Luiso.

[966] Right?

[967] So it's new.

[968] So, like, now, you know, if you're a stand -up in South Africa, you get ad campaigns, like, just Verizon and Trevor Noah.

[969] You know what I mean?

[970] Just huge posters.

[971] It's a market.

[972] Dude, Donham is now playing out there.

[973] Who?

[974] Jeff Donham.

[975] Like, everyone's going out there now.

[976] Really?

[977] Yeah.

[978] Rogan, Joe, you would kill.

[979] There's plenty of places I don't get to go to America.

[980] I got to get back to Houston.

[981] I haven't been to Chicago a year and a half.

[982] Fucking Houston.

[983] I'm not going to fucking Africa.

[984] Yeah, but what I'm saying is, is that if, you know, they don't know me, you know what I mean?

[985] And they're still coming out.

[986] Right.

[987] Well, they probably got mad TV, didn't you?

[988] No, they don't.

[989] No?

[990] No. They don't know who the fuck I am.

[991] I open, bro.

[992] Really?

[993] Yeah.

[994] I mean, I had Orney and all these guys go back to me. Well, they know who Orney is?

[995] No, but the thing is that the producers of the show were like, because Asians are third -class citizens there.

[996] Whoa.

[997] We're like the blacks of South Africa, right?

[998] Whoa.

[999] So it's like, you know, we were like riding in the back of the bus, like up until 10 years ago.

[1000] Really?

[1001] Yeah.

[1002] They had a back of a bus for Asians?

[1003] I like back of the bus.

[1004] Yeah, they just, they were not, we weren't able to vote.

[1005] Like 15 years ago Yeah, yeah, yeah So they view me as like You know what I mean Like scum of them Which is crazy You know It is absolutely unfathomable You know what I mean So it's like So I went up first And you I could feel every show Dude People going You know what I mean Like just And I just know You know bang bang You know what I mean Right So you could So you could feel That they were like Judging you Not judging me But there was a feeling Of like What the fuck is this shit Right Really Yeah How is that not judging you Maybe, but the thing is, I know as soon as I opened my mouth, and I just said the first couple jokes, I had them on my side.

[1006] You know what I mean?

[1007] Wow.

[1008] You just crush.

[1009] Wow.

[1010] You know what I mean?

[1011] Because, A, they've never really seen Asians that have an American accent that doesn't have an accent.

[1012] Right.

[1013] Right.

[1014] So that in itself is shocking to them.

[1015] And B, me just talking like an American, which I am.

[1016] And then me, C, being funny, you know what I mean?

[1017] Shocked them too.

[1018] You know what I mean?

[1019] Wow.

[1020] So it's crazy, yeah.

[1021] So you were there for a month and a half?

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] How many shows did you do?

[1024] Oh, got a lot, bro.

[1025] I did like, I don't know, 35.

[1026] Holy shit.

[1027] 30 to 35.

[1028] Who booked that?

[1029] There's a festival out there every year.

[1030] You should do it, dude.

[1031] And it's 30, no, I'm not going to go in there for 35 days.

[1032] You can't do it?

[1033] I don't want to.

[1034] I don't like going for any place.

[1035] I don't even like going places for four days.

[1036] Yeah, I hate it.

[1037] I like three days and done.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] In and out.

[1040] But for me, it was just like, you know, because I just, you never been there.

[1041] And also, you know, that was, it was like a slow time, man. Wow, 35 fucking days in Africa.

[1042] And did they pay you in gold coins and shrunken heads?

[1043] Yeah, was the AIDS good?

[1044] No, the food.

[1045] Did you worry about malaria?

[1046] No, the money was great.

[1047] George Clooney got malaria.

[1048] Yeah, dude, it's like being.

[1049] Did it really?

[1050] Yeah, he did.

[1051] Oh, he did?

[1052] Dude, it's like being anywhere else kind of.

[1053] Like if you're in Cape Town, it's like, oh, there's a, you know, a coffee shop and a, you know what I mean?

[1054] Clothing store.

[1055] You know what I mean?

[1056] Starbucks are there?

[1057] No, there's another thing called.

[1058] There's the only difference is they rob you everywhere.

[1059] During the day.

[1060] They have no. People get robbed all the time.

[1061] Wow.

[1062] One of the producers of the show said, yeah, I was on the freeway during the day.

[1063] In some block, I just walked up to her door and said, I want the car.

[1064] She just got out, gave him the car.

[1065] Whoa.

[1066] Yeah, pass on Africa, please.

[1067] Is there a lot of flies, like the whole time?

[1068] No, dude.

[1069] Why would you tell me to go to a place where you get robbed all the time?

[1070] What's so great about it?

[1071] Because I'm just saying, though, because I just think that you're a great comedian and stand -up, you know what I mean?

[1072] And I just think that there's no one like you that's ever played there.

[1073] and that you could clean up.

[1074] I don't want to.

[1075] I'm just hanging out with the Antwerd, man. We could just, you know, the whole week.

[1076] The Antwerds over here.

[1077] They're hanging up with Jimmy Kimmel.

[1078] Oh, really?

[1079] Love them, too.

[1080] I love them.

[1081] Yeah, I called his cell phone.

[1082] That's his voicemail.

[1083] Beep boy, beep, boy.

[1084] Oh, it is?

[1085] I love that.

[1086] Yeah, yeah, I love them.

[1087] That's cool.

[1088] Yeah, we went Gaga on them when they first came out on the podcast.

[1089] But that's how I know about them because of South Africa.

[1090] Oh, because of being in South Africa.

[1091] Oh, because of being in some.

[1092] Yeah, yeah.

[1093] So you found out about them way before everybody else.

[1094] Yeah, and also those guys, you know, the way they look, that's what some of the, like, a lot of the white people look like.

[1095] Now, how popular is D. Antwerd in South Africa?

[1096] Was it huge?

[1097] Yeah, I know, but you go to a hip -hop store.

[1098] They have hip -hop stores, you know what I mean?

[1099] Right.

[1100] There's a poster or whatever, you know what I mean?

[1101] And, you know, they have radio stations that play just regular music.

[1102] It's a normal place, you know?

[1103] It's just all intense.

[1104] It's just new, you know what I mean?

[1105] Civilization is new.

[1106] Right.

[1107] You know what I mean?

[1108] It is new That's what's scary about it, man And it borders so much wild shit But that's how Russell Peters He hit his first theater show In South Africa Yeah And that's how he got the momentum You know Sort of but Russell is just First of all You know He has a huge following In the Asian community You know Indians and Asians Yeah Yeah They're just so happy That there's another comic Like you know Or a comic like him out there And they just come out in massive Drove to support him The community is so strong Yeah But They don't support me. But Russell sells out like that everywhere.

[1109] It's not just...

[1110] You know, he's crazy.

[1111] He does two nights in a row.

[1112] But this is before he had that.

[1113] Really?

[1114] Yeah, yeah.

[1115] His first theater show was in South Africa.

[1116] How far is that flight?

[1117] Isn't that like 16 hours?

[1118] No, it's a 24 -hour deal.

[1119] Because you do 12 to Amsterdam and you do another 12 to South Africa.

[1120] God damn.

[1121] I know, it's the worst.

[1122] Really?

[1123] Yeah, it's the worst.

[1124] 24 hours in the air.

[1125] You feel like, it feels like two weeks in the air.

[1126] Oh, my God.

[1127] You start sweating.

[1128] You know, you start sweating after a while.

[1129] It must wreck your body too What is 24 hour jet lag?

[1130] It tears you up It tears you up And you have to do Business class at least Tell me this What the fuck is going on on planes That make you feel so fucking bad When you land Because I feel like I drink I feel like when I'm on a plane I feel like it's like the same feeling I get when I do a show And have like three shots That's what it feels like It's the air quality You're pretty much hot boxing You're breathing other people's insides Is that what it is?

[1131] Yeah and you don't know what, you know, people are just filthy animals.

[1132] And you notice when you sleep on a plane, you always sleep with your mouth open because you sit back like this and like no matter who you look at it, everyone has her mouth open.

[1133] So you're just sitting there and going, and sucking that in through your mouth.

[1134] What is the way around that?

[1135] There's no way around that.

[1136] Oh, I went to a strip club in South Africa.

[1137] It was the worst place I've ever been doing my life.

[1138] Really?

[1139] I did a lap dance from a girl.

[1140] I could do not that look like dog, the Bonnie Hunter.

[1141] Oh, really?

[1142] Yeah.

[1143] I could get into that.

[1144] She had facial hair.

[1145] Oh, my God.

[1146] Yeah, her breast was like, You know what I mean?

[1147] Shriveled up.

[1148] It was awful.

[1149] And she was touching you?

[1150] Yeah, she's touching me, but I'm laughing the whole time, you know what I mean?

[1151] So you did it on purpose?

[1152] Yeah, I just did it for fun, you know what I mean?

[1153] Yeah, but it's awful.

[1154] Did you worry about getting robbed there?

[1155] No, no, no, no. No, you just don't worry.

[1156] I got robbed the last day like the second of the last day I was there, bro.

[1157] Wow.

[1158] So it was like my, you know?

[1159] So did you just let, like when the guy stole your Blackberry, did you try to get another one?

[1160] It's a black, you know why?

[1161] Because I know I'm leaving this, God -forbidden place.

[1162] You know what I mean?

[1163] I'll go back to it.

[1164] So you see you hate it, man. You're trying to get me to go there.

[1165] What's wrong with you?

[1166] No, what I'm saying in terms of this?

[1167] It's a trap.

[1168] Joe, in terms of like, you know what you would do there business -wise?

[1169] Yeah.

[1170] You know what's all?

[1171] That's all.

[1172] To me, what's the most important thing is having fun.

[1173] And 24 hours in the plane is not fun.

[1174] You know, like I got a gig coming up in Australia.

[1175] I'm doing some place called Rudy Hill.

[1176] It's outside of Sydney.

[1177] It's like the suburbs.

[1178] It's like all I could get because it was like a late last minute thing.

[1179] And that's because I'm doing this.

[1180] the UFC out there.

[1181] I like doing those gigs.

[1182] I'm doing the UFC.

[1183] So a night before, I'll do a gig somewhere in Australia, and I've done them in England, and I've done them in Ireland.

[1184] I've done them all over the place, but I'm not traveling somewhere for 24 fucking hours to do an audience.

[1185] Just to do a show.

[1186] Yeah, I can do that in Burbank, man. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

[1187] I'm getting in my car and do that.

[1188] Yeah.

[1189] It's not, you know, that's just too crazy.

[1190] It's too much of a commitment.

[1191] Yeah, but you know, that's the only, I mean, when you're in a point in your life worth right now, the only revenue you're getting is through a live show.

[1192] was right just kind of have to go fuck it yeah but why why fuck it when you just build up your audience in America man that's how I feel I mean I don't there's nothing wrong with doing it there's nothing wrong with traveling but with for me first of all part of it's kids I have kids I can't just go somewhere for a month that would fucking drive me crazy yeah but I wanted to see great white shorts and shit like that yeah that's kind of interesting I mean that was interesting about Australia too seeing crocodiles and shit and kangaroos and find out that fucking kangaroos kill more people than anything kangaroos fuck people up in Australia they do yeah there's big giant kangaroos There's apparently two different types of kangaroons.

[1193] I forget what color the big ones are, but the big ones will fuck you up.

[1194] They're like 300 pounds and shit, and they gut people.

[1195] They kick you with their claws.

[1196] And there's a toad there that's a toad out there that's...

[1197] Oh, dude, everything.

[1198] Everything's trying to kill you in Australia.

[1199] That they shipped there from a different place, right?

[1200] Because they had locust or something that they wanted to get rid of, so they shipped these indigenous frogs from South Africa.

[1201] But the locusts were so high up on these leaves that the frogs didn't eat, the locusts or what?

[1202] whatever.

[1203] So they just multiplied.

[1204] Oh, God.

[1205] And they're poisonous.

[1206] So they run rampant.

[1207] Oh, shit.

[1208] People are so goddamn smart trying to fix ecosystems.

[1209] Yeah, yeah.

[1210] It fucked that place up.

[1211] How about just spray the bugs?

[1212] You spray.

[1213] You cunt.

[1214] Bobby, what was Eminem like?

[1215] What kind of, what?

[1216] You met Eminem, right?

[1217] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1218] What was he like?

[1219] He's a nice, nice guy.

[1220] Where'd you meet Eminem?

[1221] I did one.

[1222] I was into one of his music videos.

[1223] Oh, really?

[1224] Yeah.

[1225] Yeah.

[1226] He got a call saying, it would come down now.

[1227] because they need you, right?

[1228] So I came down, I did three sketches, I played Sulu, then I played an Eskimo and one, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's nice.

[1229] I hadn't met him before, and I got to meet Dr. Drey, which is great.

[1230] He has a huge black hand that just takes my little hand and it surrounds my hand, and it's so dry and it's perfect.

[1231] You know what I mean?

[1232] Just soft, you know what I mean?

[1233] It's like Dr. Trey's hand.

[1234] You know what I mean?

[1235] And he's so gentle, like a giant gentle guy who put his hand on your back.

[1236] He's huge.

[1237] If something happened, he started lifting weights and got giant, Yeah, but he's kind, he's a kind guy.

[1238] Yeah, I mean, because I grew up with NW

[1239].A.

[1240] Yeah,

[1241] me

[1242] too.

[1243] I

[1244] love that