MFM Minisode 102

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Hello, Christmas Eve.

[17] Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas.

[18] Welcome to my favorite murder.

[19] The Christmas Eve minisode.

[20] That's right.

[21] That is in no way themed Christmas.

[22] No. We're just telling you the best minisode stories on this.

[23] This the eve of Christmas.

[24] What are you going to be?

[25] We're obviously recording this before.

[26] What are you going to be doing on Christmas Eve?

[27] What are you going to be for Christmas Eve?

[28] I'm going to be an elf on the shelf.

[29] What are you going to be?

[30] I'm going to be a Jew on the couch.

[31] ignoring your dumb holiday.

[32] But I bet you had a great Hanukkah.

[33] I probably did.

[34] I bet you smashed it.

[35] I bet it was the best Hanukkah I've ever had.

[36] I bet you gave away so many little beautifully wrapped gifts.

[37] I bet you're right.

[38] Days after days of gifts.

[39] When I first as a child heard that Hanukkah meant eight days of gifts, I'd already felt so much like that was the tribe I was supposed to truly be in.

[40] I thought I was supposed to be a divorcee's Jewish child in Manhattan.

[41] Oh, okay.

[42] I was that in Orange County.

[43] But you didn't feel like you needed to be on the East Coast?

[44] Probably.

[45] I hated everything about my life.

[46] So, yeah, probably.

[47] Yeah, you probably wanted to be several thousand miles away.

[48] But as, this is what always bothered me. You guys got a ton of presents too.

[49] We did, but just knowing nothing about Judaism, I just pictured that it was Christmas every night for eight nights where I'm like, they have all the humor.

[50] You get like every, you get like a big, huge present every night.

[51] There's, I was picturing baskets of bagels, water bagels, that's true, deliciously stacked deli sandwiches.

[52] Actually, that's what, for Hanukkah, my family, we get caters, canters cater, deli sandwiches.

[53] The greatest.

[54] The best.

[55] There's, you can't wrap your mouth around a canter sandwich.

[56] No, it's the best.

[57] You have to, like, dismantle it and eat four small sandwiches.

[58] It's the best.

[59] Yeah, that Hanukkah present thing, man, it's a real fucking lie.

[60] they tell you that to get you to convert right it's not true to get you to drop out of catholicism jump on usually we would do like little gifts seven nights and then the one big gift on the eighth night right but small gifts are still pretty good gifts yeah yeah i mean it would be like stocking stuffer type of thing right so sorry to burst your hana bubble i guess i'll just stick with me old catholicism we're doing such a great job the subject line of this first email is that's what it's like to have a killer in your home.

[61] Hello, Karen Georgian and Stephen.

[62] I absolutely lost my mind when Karen covered a story from my hometown, Edmonton.

[63] Although Edmonton is quite literally the most boring place on her.

[64] Cough, cough, our nickname is Deadminton.

[65] We do not have a shortage of crazy effed up crimes.

[66] Unfortunately, snowy, cold, boring Edmonton at Alberta is the murder capital of Canada.

[67] Holy shit.

[68] Yeah.

[69] That's not boring.

[70] And also, Edmonton is a city and Alberta is a province.

[71] right as you said in the episode as I know exactly as you knew as a fact as a fact knowing citizen of Canada my story comes to you from when I was working as a server in a senior's home I was cleaning up a table after the meal and a group of old ladies at a nearby table were talking I overheard one lady say something like and that's what it's like to have a killer in your home now this lady was quite a character and a joker and she and I like to banter quite a bit So I decided to jump in and lightly tease her.

[72] Ha ha, what are you talking about?

[73] How does something like this come up in conversation?

[74] Just thinking that this is her offbeat sense of humor.

[75] She was quoting herself in that in my act out.

[76] The old lady turns to me and says, oh, so casually.

[77] Oh, no, it's the truth.

[78] I've had a killer in my home.

[79] My granddaughter was married to Mark Twitchell.

[80] My brain broke.

[81] I walked back to the kitchen in a daze and went through the rest of my shift like a zombie.

[82] Mark Twitchell is the Dexter copycat killer, a would -be serial killer who created profiles on dating websites to lure men to his garage where he would attack them with a stun baton.

[83] He killed one man, but his next victim managed to escape and Twitchell was apprehended.

[84] Holy shit.

[85] Twitchell had dreams of making movies, and he was a huge fan of Dexter, and it's believed he became a killer to be like Dexter.

[86] What the fuck?

[87] It was a huge story here in Edmonton and in Canada in general, so huge.

[88] It was covered by Dateline.

[89] I remember my OG murderino mom turning to me while watching the episode and saying, isn't it exciting?

[90] Keith Morrison is here in Edmonton.

[91] Fuck, yes, Keith Morrison.

[92] And then in parentheses, she wrote, Chill, Mom.

[93] He's from Lloyd Minister.

[94] I guess that's another town.

[95] Province.

[96] Province of Alberta.

[97] I was too nervous to bring it up with the lady ever again, but I wish I did.

[98] I keep thinking she was there at the wedding And for the Christmases, one of the most sensationalized murder cases here, and she'd probably seen the perpetrator in a tacky Christmas sweater.

[99] Stay sexy and don't eavesdrop on old ladies' conversations.

[100] Beth.

[101] I remember that case, it's so, the guy that ended up living, it's such a terrifying, horrible thing.

[102] Yeah.

[103] Because this crazy person.

[104] Because he still got, like, tortured and shit.

[105] Yeah.

[106] He thought he was showing up for, like, a blind date.

[107] Oh.

[108] The guy that's survived.

[109] It's amazing.

[110] Wow, that's bananas.

[111] It's so crazy.

[112] Oh, man. Can you imagine being fucking married and then being like, oh, guess what?

[113] Your husband?

[114] If there's a coldness that can't be explained.

[115] If there's an emptiness, if there's...

[116] I don't think you could see it sometimes, though.

[117] If there's a duffel bed that you won't talk about.

[118] And then you're not allowed to look in.

[119] Yeah.

[120] Yeah, you can't.

[121] You'll never know because that's their specialty.

[122] Right.

[123] It's covering it out.

[124] Totally.

[125] Vince!

[126] Please, please.

[127] It's always the last one you'd suspect.

[128] No, I suspect him, though, so it won't be him.

[129] There you go.

[130] That's my secret.

[131] You just spread that suspecting dust around everywhere.

[132] The secret to a good marriage is suspect him of everything.

[133] And then when he doesn't do anything, you're pleasantly surprised.

[134] Oh, my God.

[135] What a relief you say every single day.

[136] That's right.

[137] Okay, this is called riding in cars with strangers.

[138] Hi, everyone.

[139] When I was in my early 20s, I moved to a small town at the edge of San Bernardino County.

[140] Don't worry, I got out of there as quickly as I could, it says.

[141] Good for you.

[142] there was only one tiny little dive bar in the area and since it was such a small remote desert town the only thing to do on the weekend besides a ton of drugs was to go to this bar and do a ton of drugs and do a ton of drugs Uber wasn't a thing back then but luckily the bar had a quote bar car a quiet older guy who they would call and he would pick you up and take you home from whatever you for whatever you thought the ride was worth at first I was a little bit skeptical but after a few rides with my friends it turned into a normal thing it was always the same old man he was always happy to take us home no matter how drunk we were, how late it was, or how little cash we had left to tip him.

[143] He volunteered to help the town drunks get home because he wanted to make sure everyone made it home safely.

[144] Which like in a normal world, that's great.

[145] Yes.

[146] This is not a normal world.

[147] It's not a normal world.

[148] This is a podcast.

[149] Especially in the outskirts of fucking San Bernardino.

[150] San Bernardino.

[151] That's right.

[152] Get out.

[153] Flash forward to last year, I've since moved away, but was back in town to visit family for Christmas.

[154] I called one of my old friends and we had planned to meet at the bar.

[155] I asked him if the bar car was still running and he responded with, you didn't hear?

[156] Oh, yay!

[157] The old you didn't hear.

[158] He's in jail for murdering his girlfriend in the 80s.

[159] I was horrified by this.

[160] I had taken countless rides home by myself when I had gotten blacked out drunk and stumbled out of the bar into his old car.

[161] My friend said it had been a small town, he had been small town gossip for decades and he was suspected to have murdered his girlfriend and they just never thought to mention this to me. As it turns out, in the 80s, his girlfriend went missing.

[162] Several months later, they found her severed head and hand in a river near the town.

[163] Uh -oh.

[164] This would be the only parts of her body that police would ever find.

[165] He would be the prime suspect, but they didn't have any evidence to convict him, and the case went cold.

[166] In the early 2000s, they reopened the case and were able to test the DNA, which linked him to the crime.

[167] Shit.

[168] Later on, as my family was drinking around the Christmas table, I told my mom with a suspicious tone, hey, do you remember that bar car driver who killed his girlfriend?

[169] the look of sheer horror on my mom's face as she realized this was the same guy who had driven me home was only matched by the excitiveness of my aunt, a fellow murderino, as she asked questions about what it was like to get rides home from a murderer.

[170] Yes.

[171] Merry Christmas and Lechayam bitches.

[172] Stay sexy and don't get in cars with murderers, B. Yes.

[173] But how can you know?

[174] It's almost like he was doing it to make up for it.

[175] Yeah.

[176] Because it's such a, he clearly didn't hurt anybody while he did it or he would have gotten caught, right?

[177] Right.

[178] So maybe he was like, no, I'm a good guy still.

[179] This just thing happened.

[180] I just had this bump in the road where I beheaded my girlfriend.

[181] Awful.

[182] Not cool at all.

[183] Okay, moving on.

[184] Okay, chill.

[185] Hey, this is exciting.

[186] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[187] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.

[188] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[189] Who killed Saz?

[190] And were they really after Charles?

[191] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[192] This season, murder hits close to home.

[193] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[194] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[195] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[196] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[197] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Davey, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[198] Only murders in the building, premieres, August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[199] Goodbye.

[200] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[201] Absolutely.

[202] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[203] Exactly.

[204] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[205] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[206] That's right.

[207] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.

[208] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[209] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.

[210] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[211] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[212] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[213] Connect with customers inline and online.

[214] Do retail right with Shopify.

[215] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[216] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[217] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[218] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[219] Goodbye.

[220] I'm not going to read you the subject line because it tips it too much.

[221] Okay.

[222] Dear Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and various furry animals.

[223] Various furry associates.

[224] Oh.

[225] Well, so many tiny briefcases.

[226] One year during dinner on Christmas Eve, my family.

[227] got talking about my cousin's old job at a haunted morgue unrelated story it then came up that my uncle's old house was actually haunted too apparently when his kids my three much older cousins were younger they all slept by themselves in the same room or nursery for the first part of their lives throughout each of their respective childhoods they all described to their mom my aunt as having the exact same imaginary friend as the other according to my aunt they each described the friend as a young blonde girl with a red and yellow striped dress.

[228] One day my aunt even walked in on my cousin, heatedly arguing out loud with this girl while he was playing dolls.

[229] She said it was like he was just yelling to himself about his friend who wouldn't share.

[230] Oh my God, that's creepy.

[231] Aside from these weird coincidences and occurrences, my uncle also said that after the kids moved out of this specific room, they used it as a guest room, and guests would report feeling extremely cold in the room as compared to the rest of the house and often felt very uneasy sleeping there.

[232] Insulation.

[233] Got to get that insulation checked.

[234] I got to get those nice, thick windows.

[235] Right.

[236] Okay.

[237] Aside from these weird, nope, fast forward a few years, and my dad and his friend who owned a construction business at the time were hired by my uncle to renovate his house before they moved.

[238] As they tore up the floor in the old suspicious front room, of course they find a secret room hidden underneath the floor.

[239] It was incredibly dark in the room, and my dad was too big to squeeze down there, so he tried to convince his co -worker to check it out.

[240] Yeah, right.

[241] To which he replied, oh, fuck no. To my intense surprise, they didn't investigate any further and just tiled over the hole.

[242] A couple days later, probably.

[243] They opened up the wall in said room, and I shit you not, stuck to the wall as if placed there was a fucking red and yellow striped dress.

[244] N 'uh.

[245] I have no idea exactly what they did with it, but I know that since they moved out, the house has been on the market, several more times this story this is the story I always tell people to their disbelief when sharing spooky stories and I thought you guys would love to hear it thank you so much for reading I sincerely hope to see to join you at the Des Moines live show in spring stay sexy and don't play with selfish ghosts Maya oh my god that's look I love that story I love it but I've been for my own sanity say no way not true I mean you here's the thing is people who don't care about it like this would take that dress and put it in the garbage you and i and what i believed to be normal people would put on some doctor's gloves and go in there with tweezers and pull that after photographing the shit out of it photographing every aspect like and then we put it on our pet and let our cat or dog run around i would chip it to this sony it's dear to you i would light some sage and i would okay um this is my last one Okay.

[246] This is called Good Luck at College.

[247] Don't get murdered.

[248] Okay.

[249] Hello, podcasting gals, guy, and assorted furry animals.

[250] I grew up in a small town in eastern Oregon.

[251] When the time came for me to select a college, my parents and I felt a small school would be an easy transition for me. I enrolled in a liberal arts college outside of Portland, Oregon, and had just over 2 ,000 students and was ranked as a top 25 small college.

[252] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[253] Bragg about college.

[254] Congratulations about college.

[255] The school was very conservative, except, it was very conservative.

[256] This is what she's basically saying.

[257] There was no dancing.

[258] It was conservative, roommates, no boys allowed, et cetera.

[259] Okay.

[260] They were all making plans to travel home for Christmas.

[261] And then, okay, my roommate was planning to ride back to Montana with a fellow student who was also from the big sky state.

[262] He had been in the room several times.

[263] She had a crush on him, blah, blah, blah.

[264] Imagine our shock and awe and confusion when the FBI showed up one morning and arrested him.

[265] Yep, you read that right.

[266] He was dragged out of our dorm in handcuffs.

[267] As we learned soon after, he was a serial killer.

[268] And I actually question this.

[269] You tell me. Yes, a person who killed multiple people.

[270] That's not a serial killer, right?

[271] Well, it has to be within a certain amount of time.

[272] Right.

[273] Okay.

[274] He was the center of a multi -state manhunt.

[275] Days before coming to one of the top -ranked Christian schools in the nation, he went to the home.

[276] His family had previously owned and killed the owners in their bed.

[277] Whoa.

[278] He then left on his full -right scholarship to the Northwest.

[279] When he arrived at college, he asked us all.

[280] to call him by his middle name.

[281] That should have been a clue as to something that was up.

[282] His middle name was Shadow.

[283] Was he a little gray cat?

[284] He was an owl.

[285] Why did we not see that as a red flag?

[286] Okay.

[287] The murdered couple were found naked in their bed a few days after the killing when a neighbor became suspicious that all the windows were open.

[288] The trail of the killer grew cold and the police even consulted a psychic who described the killer as a slight built young man. with black hair who knew the victims and the layout of the house.

[289] He said that the man was at college somewhere in the West and would be arrested in December of 1993.

[290] Shit.

[291] Holy shit.

[292] With that insight, the police began looking into the history of the murdered couple.

[293] Before their search reached Oregon, Shadow confided in a fellow student that he had a gun.

[294] Of course, the religious student immediately contacted campus security, which led to a call to local law enforcement.

[295] Our small school made the news that night, but not for academic achievement.

[296] Many of us followed his trial, and he is now serving a sentence of 150 years.

[297] Shit.

[298] Needless to say, the university did not list it as a highlight in the yearbook, nor is in any brochures.

[299] The moral of the story is that small schools aren't necessarily safe.

[300] Don't trust people named Shadow and always SSDGM.

[301] Wow.

[302] Crazy, right?

[303] That's so insane.

[304] It's awful.

[305] It's crazy because it's that idea like you're going to do this thing and then just go off to your new life.

[306] and be like, call me by my mental name.

[307] Hey, I get to have a normal life now.

[308] Yeah.

[309] It's me, Lynn.

[310] You know, if he hadn't told him about the gun, that one guy and the guy hadn't fucking arced on him, he might have killed more people.

[311] That's how it always goes.

[312] They can't keep their trap shut.

[313] Good.

[314] Yeah, that's true.

[315] Oh, you mean, I thought you meant the person he told, not shadow.

[316] You're getting mad at the guy who had gnarked on him.

[317] Shut your mouth, you snitch.

[318] Yeah, snitch is gay.

[319] Candy.

[320] Okay.

[321] We'll wrap it up with this one.

[322] Okay.

[323] I won't read this subject line.

[324] Hi, Georgia, Karen, Stephen, and Pets.

[325] I wanted to share what happened to me 20 years ago when I came home for the holidays.

[326] My parents had moved to a new house after I left for school.

[327] That's important only because it meant I was sleeping in a guest room with no phone.

[328] One night my parents were out of town, and I was home alone with our dog and two cats.

[329] At 2 a .m. I woke up suddenly thinking I heard a man's voice.

[330] I had just about convinced myself it was a dream when I sat up and saw that the dog and cats were wide awake staring at the bedroom door with hackles raised.

[331] Oh, God.

[332] I started looking around for something to use as a weapon when I heard a male voice from the next room in a creepy sing -song voice say, peek -a -boo.

[333] I got out of bed and grabbed the bedside lamp.

[334] The dog and cats were growling at the bedroom door ready to throw down.

[335] Again, the voice said, peek -a -boo in exactly the same tone, which was now sounding a little familiar.

[336] It turned out a talking big bird doll my mom and bought my niece had been hidden away in a closet for Christmas and it had started talking on its own.

[337] Needless to say, I disembowled that thing and put its electrical components in one room and the doll in another before trying to go back to sleep.

[338] Oh my God.

[339] My family kept that creepy toy for years after my niece.

[340] it outgrown it just to torment me. Thanks for being my constant companions as I walk my dog.

[341] You make me laugh out loud like an idiot and I don't mind.

[342] Stay sexy and sleep with a pack of right or die pets in case Big Bird shows up.

[343] Sarah.

[344] I got to get a dog.

[345] I got to get a dog.

[346] Holy shit.

[347] That used to happen when I was little, one of the first big Christmas gifts we got was this, it was called, I think it was called, I want to say baby alive, but I think baby alive was the one that you fed yeah this was the one that crawled oh yeah and it was like a doll head but then a machine yeah yeah and we were so excited to get it because it was like the commercial that was on every cartoon um you know yeah yeah block um and the first night I went to bed with it in the middle of the night it turned on and it was it's so scary because it's really loud yeah and then it has baby noises and it's like that you can hear the mechanical part of it Oh, Steve, that's a photo.

[348] What's it called, Stephen?

[349] Oh, wait.

[350] That away?

[351] What?

[352] Baby that away.

[353] No, that's a terrible name for a tour.

[354] Yes, that's it.

[355] Look at this fucking demon thing.

[356] And so it's that thing, but the joints are like screws and bolts.

[357] And like, it's like, I'm coming for your soul.

[358] Late 70s machinery.

[359] So it's the loud.

[360] I'm coming for your soul.

[361] But at least it didn't fucking say peekaboo.

[362] Pekaboo in a man's voice is a nightmare.

[363] It's a familiar man's voice.

[364] It's like a soft -spoken man. Would you be scarier?

[365] That's one of the top three things I don't want to hear coming from the other room when I'm home alone a night.

[366] The word peek -a -boo specifically.

[367] No. By anyone.

[368] Peacaboo is like, oh, you're going to murder the fuck out of me. That's straight out of a horror movie.

[369] Yes.

[370] The other day I was walking through my house and I whispered no more milk to myself.

[371] What?

[372] Why?

[373] Because I just trying, I was drinking too much milk.

[374] but I whispered it to myself and then I could not stop laughing at how creepy if somebody had just walked in the door No more milk, no more milk Sometimes you can be the creep you're scared of Sometimes it's you Yeah congratulations Happy Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanza And all the every if you don't celebrate anything Sorry Yes If you don't celebrate anything You can celebrate these wonderful stories That you just heard of of human strength and the will to survive.

[375] That's right.

[376] And, hey, if you're having, if you're not having a great holiday, reach out to someone you know, friends, family.

[377] We want to make sure that everyone stays connected this holiday season because it's not always fun for people.

[378] Yeah.

[379] It can be very shitty depending.

[380] So a great thing to do if you're feeling shitty, go to a food bank and help out.

[381] Go to a soup kitchen and help out.

[382] Put yourself around.

[383] Don't need a toy.

[384] Yeah.

[385] You know, do something cool.

[386] Put yourself around other people.

[387] and put yourself around people that are good at helping others and then you can blend right in and turn it around for yourself.

[388] I love it.

[389] Yeah, right?

[390] Yeah.

[391] All right.

[392] Well, stay sexy.

[393] And don't get murdered.

[394] Goodbye.

[395] Elvis, one cookie?