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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Hello.
[18] Hello.
[19] Hi.
[20] Welcome to my favorite.
[21] The minisodes.
[22] The minisodes.
[23] So this is where you tell us, number one, your hometown murders.
[24] Great.
[25] And then from there, it just, you know.
[26] The floor is yours.
[27] It's just as your special moment to stand up, to speak out, say hello to everyone.
[28] And be like, here's the most interesting thing I can dig up.
[29] Whether it be in your town, in your family.
[30] It might not be your story.
[31] It's okay.
[32] Who cares?
[33] Tell us other people's stories.
[34] I think these are our fucking stories.
[35] They're not.
[36] Okay.
[37] The subject line of this first email is the mysterious death of Grandpa Vestal.
[38] Dear MFM family, recently I was visiting with my parents in Sacramento, eating breakfast downtown, where we watched a car drive the wrong way down a two -way street.
[39] My mom, who is well aware that her son is a murderer, and who saw me watching Unsolved Mysteries on cable literally the day before, turned to me and casually asked, well, you know about Grandpa Vestal, right?
[40] my mom then told me about the mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of my completely normally named great -grandpa Vestal.
[41] Yeah, that's just their questions.
[42] Okay, go on.
[43] He already sounds like a ghost.
[44] He was born a ghost.
[45] The name Vestal is like, oh, you are cursed and will be haunting the rest of your family.
[46] Absolutely.
[47] Okay.
[48] In 1986, my uncle got a late -night call asking him if he knew Vestal since he was in the phone book and shared the last name.
[49] My uncle confirmed that it was his dad, and the police let him know that Vestal had been killed in a highway collision.
[50] Oh, no. Vestal was 80 years old, and at the time he lived in Dixon, which is a rural town about 20 miles away from Sacramento.
[51] You know it?
[52] Yes, of course.
[53] Dixon's the town on the way from my town to Sacramento, and, like, I had friends that lived there and stuff.
[54] I think they had a really good fall fare.
[55] Oh, that sounds lovely.
[56] It's a real corn maze part of the country corn maze based okay so we talked about Dixon okay he lived by himself since his wife had passed away some years prior and according to my mom had no dementia or any other mental health issues to speak of so none of us will ever know what prompted Vestal who didn't drive at night and who didn't leave Dixon to get behind the wheel of his car drive down the I -5 transfer on to the 180 towards the Sacramento airport, drive the wrong way down the freeway, and crash head on into another car, killing himself and the other car's passengers.
[57] Oh, my God.
[58] My favorite eerie detail was that when they checked his house afterwards, they found his dinner, uneaten, left on the ottoman in his usual spot.
[59] Stay sexy and just stay in for the night and finish your dinner.
[60] Cody.
[61] Cody, like from the last episode that we just recorded.
[62] Yes.
[63] It's a, it's the celebrity name Cody telling me. the creepiest fucking story.
[64] I want to cry.
[65] It's horrible.
[66] I want to scream or cry.
[67] But it's like he just, he made himself or got himself at a full dinner.
[68] Why did he do that?
[69] Then stood up, left, and went and did something he would normally never do.
[70] He must have had, I wonder if he had like a stroke.
[71] Yeah.
[72] And something else was going on in his brain where he thought.
[73] Because I bet you he fucking drove those freeways his, like forever.
[74] It's not like he didn't know how to get on that on ramp onto that.
[75] You know what I mean?
[76] Yeah.
[77] Like something's wrong there too.
[78] Yes, exactly.
[79] Like, why would you go the wrong?
[80] Remember when Nicole Ritchie went the wrong way down the 134?
[81] Yeah.
[82] It was in the middle.
[83] That's one of my favorite stories.
[84] That's got to be ambient.
[85] Well, yeah, or like just being fucked up because it was before she got sober.
[86] Yeah.
[87] I think.
[88] And it was like she basically got on an on ramp and then took a left onto an empty freeway and then realized it was wrong direction.
[89] That's like a big, I mean.
[90] I mean, everyone's watched what's wrong with Aunt Diane or what's the matter with Aunt Diane.
[91] That movie fucked me up.
[92] Well, because, yeah, it's like, was this, I mean, you immediately picture that Grandpa Vestel was, like, possessed or some crazy shit.
[93] Maybe he hadn't been sleeping well lately and so it was just exhausted.
[94] You know what I mean?
[95] Like, your brain does crazy shit when you're exhausted.
[96] We have quite, Cody, we have so many questions.
[97] Cody, call 555.
[98] A piece of bread that had mold on it that made him hallucinate.
[99] Yes.
[100] Which is the way it used to happen in the.
[101] dark ages.
[102] That's right, meaning like 100 years ago.
[103] Okay.
[104] At the turn of the century.
[105] Right.
[106] Okay.
[107] This is this one's called everyone is cremated equally question mark.
[108] Hi y 'all.
[109] It's your friendly neighborhood mortician here.
[110] Oh, by the way, we're doing, these are all Sacramento, San Francisco, like Bay Area.
[111] Oakland, yeah.
[112] Oakland.
[113] Because we're doing live shows this coming weekend there.
[114] Yep.
[115] Hi.
[116] Hi.
[117] It's your friendly neighborhood mortician here.
[118] I worked for a place that did all the preparations and cremations for several funeral homes and we worked with one lady who ran what we call a cremation society.
[119] Basically, a business that just offers direct cremations for decent prices for families.
[120] So one day she receives a call from this guy that his mother had passed away on hospice at home and we needed to come pick her up.
[121] Nothing unusual.
[122] We get these calls all the time.
[123] Usually if they're on hospice, the nurse and doctor have been notified of the death and the funeral comes, the funeral home comes and picks them up.
[124] Next day the son comes into the funeral home.
[125] No call, no appointment, just comes in and starts asking the funeral director about the paperwork.
[126] She said she got a weird feeling from him, and he was antsy and sweaty and just quick to sign the paperwork without asking any questions.
[127] After signing all the paperwork, he leaves quickly, so the funeral director starts filing all the necessary paperwork for the permits and death certificate.
[128] A few days later, she receives a call from the coroner stating that they need to pick up the body to do an investigation, because her death was never reported to the hospice or the authorities.
[129] oh she tries contacting the son to let him know every number he gave her didn't work and wasn't and he wasn't at the address he gave her either because and then this is all caps guess what what bastard bastard bastard skipped him because he killed his mother and thought that uh trying to speed up the cremation process would cover his tracks well it didn't authorities eventually tracked him down in nevada and his mother's cremains were given to the next of kin so fuck that guy I hope he rots.
[130] And that's just one of the many insane stories from working in a mortuary.
[131] There's other great hits like the funeral, a funeral director faking his death for insurance money.
[132] Whoa.
[133] A shootout during a funeral service.
[134] Whoa.
[135] A murder confession in front of the casket of a loved one.
[136] Yes.
[137] A supervisor I knew embalming the body of a serial killer.
[138] And many more.
[139] I can't wait to see you guys in Sacramento this month.
[140] Stay sexy.
[141] And don't try to cremate your mother to hide the fact that you murdered her.
[142] sincerely your friendly neighborhood mortician.
[143] Thank you so much.
[144] First of all, mortician, thank you for being so friendly.
[145] Thanks for being in our neighborhood.
[146] Thanks for knowing that we would want weird stories like that.
[147] Oh, my God.
[148] Talk about someone that needs to start a podcast.
[149] Oh, well, there's the chick I follow on Instagram called The Good Death.
[150] Caitlin Doherty, she's like the pro -death, death positive mortician.
[151] Oh, yeah.
[152] And she just wrote a book, and she just seems fucking cool.
[153] Now, when you say death positive, you mean, like, she's not, she's just like, it happens, it's natural, and there's people who want to die and they should be able to die.
[154] No, I think it's like, we shouldn't be, I don't, I'm not, I can't speak for her, but we shouldn't be terrified of it.
[155] People have questions.
[156] People want to know what happened.
[157] I don't know.
[158] Oh, so it's more like be a little chiller about dying.
[159] Yeah, it's kind of like, let's talk about it.
[160] So we're not all fucking terrified of it.
[161] I'm 100 % for that.
[162] And she's like, goth and cool and shit.
[163] And she's a mortician.
[164] I don't know.
[165] I like her.
[166] love it i'm picturing kind of an elvirate situation and that's hot okay this the subject line is zodiac connection and spying on the neighbors um salutations i grew up in south san francisco california about 45 minutes from karen i too hate sacramento oh no i do not hate sacramento i should have uh edited that out um i'm gonna i'm gonna write I love letter to Sacramento and read it when we do our show there.
[167] You absolutely should.
[168] Okay, I should have pre -read that.
[169] My mom was about 10 when the Zodiac was terrorizing the Bay Area.
[170] My mom casually mentioned one day that the girl across the street was shot by the Zodiac.
[171] I'm sorry, what?
[172] My mom is not a murderer, no, and could care less about this.
[173] Oh, my God.
[174] I don't have a lot of details, but my Nino, uncle, told me that she was shot in the stomach at UCSF and was either a freshman or.
[175] our sophomore.
[176] She was only in the hospital for a week and made a full recovery.
[177] Obviously, the neighborhood lost their minds.
[178] Yeah.
[179] As this was the 60s and everyone was super tight.
[180] Nino said the neighborhood and the city went on fucking lockdown and no one could go anywhere.
[181] He also mentioned coming home at 2 a .m. when Richard Ramirez was on his SF tour to an unlocked door.
[182] They knew he was in the city and they still left the front door and locked.
[183] What the fuck nana and papa get it together uh since we're sharing random stories well you are since we're sharing random stories i basically lived at my grandparents house growing up um and when i was little maybe three or four i heard a lot going out on outside i peeked through the wooden plantation shutters why were those a thing and watched as my neighbor's son was being taken away in handcuffs and tidy whiteys followed shortly by his brother being taken out on a girl journey with, and this is in all caps, a fork sticking out of his stomach.
[184] No, take the fork out.
[185] Between the Zodiac and the crazy neighbors next door, I was destined to become a murdering out, SSDGM, Angie.
[186] That's amazing.
[187] How hilarious is that.
[188] That was a good one.
[189] Since we're sharing stories.
[190] Yeah.
[191] It was a, um, it was like a compilation.
[192] Yeah.
[193] Like, let me just add this in.
[194] I've got a couple.
[195] Well, I have a little Zodiac one too, but I also, or I could do a close called.
[196] GSK one, which I guess we got to do.
[197] Those all sound good.
[198] Okay.
[199] How do you choose?
[200] I choose the one that Elvis is not directly putting his asshole on currently.
[201] Okay, this is called first -hand GSK close call.
[202] Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and mascots.
[203] Hi.
[204] Nice.
[205] That's good.
[206] Maskets is good.
[207] I'm a big fan coming at you from Karen's favorite place, the armpit of California, Sacramento.
[208] Oops, I should have added that out too.
[209] Oh, man. I moved up here last summer from the Bay Area and settled in Rancho Cordova.
[210] Oh, yes, a lovely place.
[211] If I ever hear that anyone grew up in this area, I asked them if they remember what it was like when the East Area rapist was on the loose.
[212] And that's why we're so fun at parties, isn't it?
[213] It's because we just ask people about shit like that.
[214] We go right to the heart of what, um, do you have any deep -seated fears?
[215] Yeah, or someone's like, I'm from Cincinnati.
[216] I'm like, oh, do you know about the, no. Yeah.
[217] That's stupid.
[218] Did you know about the, they put chile on spaghetti?
[219] And cinnamon, I I'll either ask about their food or their killers.
[220] Cinnamon.
[221] Here is the most amazing and terrifying firsthand story I've heard.
[222] One of my co -workers was in high school in the 70s and lived in Rancho Cordova in a neighborhood where the Golden State killer hit three times.
[223] She didn't know it at the time.
[224] Let's call her Kathy.
[225] She started the story by saying, I don't think it was the East Area rapist, but this really weird thing happened during that time.
[226] One evening, her parents went to a party and left her and her younger brother home.
[227] They were watching a movie together when her brother decided to go to bed.
[228] His bedroom was near the front door, so when Kathy kept hearing weird noises from that direction, she assumed he was doing something in his room.
[229] After about 20 minutes of these sounds, she decided to go investigate.
[230] As she walked down the hall toward her brother's room, Kathy heard the noise again and looked toward the front door, only to realize the handle was jiggling and someone was trying to get in.
[231] Oh, my God.
[232] She freaked out, woke her brother up.
[233] They ran into their parents' room, barricaded the door, loaded the gun.
[234] Nice.
[235] Called their parents, and then it says in parentheses, why not 911?
[236] her parents called the police and they came over Kathy remembers that the cop showed up way more quickly than she expected and as they sat her down they told her to be very careful because quote concerning things had been happening in her neighborhood when she asked if they found anything the officers mentioned that the front door handle was almost off and there was a screwdriver and a flashlight left in the bushes on their porch at this point in her story as someone who has been studying GSK my mouth dropped opened and I screamed that was him that the Golden State killer.
[237] Until a few months ago, Kathy had no idea that she was very likely a potential GSK victim and as a screwdriver and flashlight were some of his favorite tools.
[238] But I'm also like, yeah, that's what everyone's favorite break and tools are.
[239] If it's nighttime and you're trying to undo a front door, you kind of have no choice but to go screwdriver flashlight.
[240] That's true.
[241] I mean, you could do what else could there?
[242] A candle.
[243] You could do a candle in dynamite.
[244] Just take a hatchet.
[245] Great.
[246] Did a duo.
[247] What did he do?
[248] What was his M .O.?
[249] A candle and dynamite.
[250] A candle and dynamite, like an old miner that hadn't been there for 50 years.
[251] Can't wait to see you in Sacramento on October 26th.
[252] Thanks for reminding us.
[253] And then it says Colby and then in parentheses, female.
[254] Colby.
[255] Female Colby.
[256] Thank you.
[257] Oh, that's so creepy.
[258] I know.
[259] So creepy.
[260] Hey, this is exciting.
[261] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming.
[262] Coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[263] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[264] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[265] Who killed Saz?
[266] And were they really after Charles?
[267] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[268] This season, murder hits close to home.
[269] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[270] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[271] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[272] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to.
[273] to roll.
[274] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[275] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[276] Goodbye.
[277] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[278] Absolutely.
[279] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[280] Exactly.
[281] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[282] But did you know, know that they also power in -person sales?
[283] That's right.
[284] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[285] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[286] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[287] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[288] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[289] With Shopify, We have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[290] Connect with customers in line and online.
[291] Do retail right with Shopify.
[292] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[293] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[294] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[295] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[296] Goodbye.
[297] Okay, the subject line of this is, my grandpa is crazier than your grandpa.
[298] Hmm.
[299] In the 1940s, my grandpa was a self -described hobo.
[300] He used to hitchhike and ride around on trains looking for work during the school year when he was a teenager.
[301] That sounds like so much fun.
[302] I mean, that's the life.
[303] And then he would come back to his parents' house during the summer to look out after his little brother, Gary.
[304] Every year, Gary would ask if he could go along.
[305] And when he turned 12 or 13, my grandpa finally agreed to take him.
[306] Can we just talk about babies named Gary real quick?
[307] I just want to take a fucking moment to let everyone know that there was like a child named Gary at one point in his life Like a seven -year -old like, it's me Gary I just want to go on the train with you Gary Can I come on Gary?
[308] It's me Gary Stop it Gary Will you help the baby Gary's crying Will you change Gary's diaper Will you change Gary's diaper Gary spit up again Gary has a briefcase He's only four his diapers are in his briefcase you just do the basics Gary's got all this equipment okay go on with baby Gary okay baby Gary gets to go because it's so long ago it was the 40s that 13 it says my grandpa finally agreed to take him 13 is basically an adult right so I actually just started talking through the end of that paragraph instead of just reading it So they're leaving their hometown of Walla Walla, Walla, Washington by the way of hitchhiking.
[309] They get picked up, and my grandpa is quietly sitting in the back seat.
[310] Well, Gary is making conversation with the driver.
[311] Gary, 13.
[312] Gary's just working the driver.
[313] At this point, I should mention two things.
[314] My grandpa is quiet and salty, and he refuses to comment on the story.
[315] Oh, I love him.
[316] Gary is the only one who will talk about it.
[317] Spoiler alert, they both survive.
[318] So this guy is driving, and he takes an unexpected turn.
[319] Gary says something about it And the guy doesn't respond Then Gary goes Seriously mister You're headed down the wrong way And the man tells Gary Shut the fuck up And turns down a forested road Toward the mountains After another minute or two Gary asks the man to let them out And the guy produces a pistol points it at Gary and says You'll get out when I say you'll get out Oh no At which point Gary hears a click From the back of the car My grandpa is pointing a gun at the man Holy shit And then it just says in quotes, in quotation, no, I think we'll get out here.
[320] Believe it or not, the guy was convinced and he let them go.
[321] Oh, Gary decided the hobo life wasn't for him.
[322] And to this day, granddad won't tell anyone where he got the gun.
[323] SSDGM, Casey Jane, P .S. looking forward to seeing you in San Francisco this October.
[324] What about this for a fucking twisteroo?
[325] Yes.
[326] What if Gary?
[327] What's the dad, grandpa's name?
[328] It just says grandpa.
[329] What if grandpa, teenage grandpa, did it on purpose to scare Gary from ever coming again?
[330] Yes.
[331] Right?
[332] Oh, my God.
[333] And then Gary's like, I want to go back home.
[334] And grandpa's like, well, teenage grandma, I'm teenage grandpa.
[335] I got to go on my own, Gary.
[336] And the friend that's like, I'm scary random man from the car.
[337] There's problems because like, why does teenage grandpa know this creepy old man?
[338] Anyway, but that's not where that's the hobo life.
[339] They're not agist.
[340] You know people, you have friends.
[341] You can start young.
[342] You can end old.
[343] You do it however you want.
[344] That's great.
[345] I love that the grandpa won't comment on it.
[346] I know.
[347] You got to have a gun with you if you're going to be like a fucking traveling hobbo.
[348] You got to have a piece or a switch blade.
[349] You get it.
[350] And also how smart of him to sit in the back seat.
[351] Yeah.
[352] It's like whatever happens here.
[353] Also, Gary's just totally a front seat bait.
[354] Chit, chat.
[355] It's just like, want you and go ahead and go up and sit up there.
[356] Go sit next to the old man. Pepper him with questions.
[357] see what he how he responds well that was amazing oh another batch of great ones oh guys please send us your fucking stories because we love reading them to you they're the best and god damn it sacramento i can't wait to come and apologize to you the apology tour you should come out with a scarlet letter a just apology on your dress it's scarlet letter s sorry sacramento Sorry, Sacramento tour.
[358] All right, well, stay sexy, everybody.
[359] And don't get murdered.
[360] Goodbye.
[361] Goodbye.
[362] Elvis, you want a cookie?
[363] Wow.
[364] I didn't know that one.